my-wayward-son

[my-wayward-son]

I think the global retort to red-hatters spouting queer misinformation should be a soft, whispered, “Andy, that’s not true.”

[my-wayward-son]

For once my medical equipment puts me at a slight advantage. I have an indwelling Foley catheter (a ~ 10 inch flexible silicone tube with one end inserted into the urethra and the other able to open and close to allow urine to drain). It allows me to use the toilet standing up. I can also use a urinal, though I’m quite selective about where I feel comfortable doing that.

In my limited experience, I’ve noticed that the area where the flush is located has a small wrap-around metal strip (which I assume is part of the structure to secure it to the wall and connect the plumbing, but idk anything about toilets). The strip is maybe 1 or 2 inches long, and it’s convex (like those round curved mirrors at Walmart to help you see around corners so you don’t bash into stuff). The strip is usually shiny enough to serve as a mirror, thus allowing you to see behind you while you’re using the urinal.

If that adds stress, I apologize. However, I find it comforting to see that everyone who comes in pays zero attention to me and what I’m doing.

As far as I know, caths can be purchased over the counter, so if you want to try that option, you probably can quite easily. Self-cathing does require use of a mirror to assess what’s down there and find your urethral opening, so I apologize for that as well if it’s triggering. I just want to relay my experience and put that option out there for you guys.

[my-wayward-son]

If you take the queer out of stonewall, all that’s left is police brutality over a misdemeanor.

[my-wayward-son]

“…a Trump executive order Wednesday intended to ban transgender athletes from participating in girls’ and women’s sports.”(Source - Stars and Stripes)

So trans men are good, right? No worries?

[my-wayward-son]

Disclaimer: this is neither an excuse nor an instruction manual. Cheating on one’s partner(s) probably shouldn’t happen without some discussion first. I think that’s selfish and harmful to mental health.

So, monogamy. It’s great. If partners are well matched, it can foster great teamwork. Nice environment for kids. Rather expected in western countries. Weddings are fun. So are family trees. But, in the end, monogamy is a social construct. There are many different attitudes toward marriage and partnership throughout time and across the globe. Many traditions. None of them are wrong.

Getting laid, though? The urge to copulate? That’s an instinct. Humans are animals, and animals have urges to reproduce. How did the last common ancestor evolve into a modern homo sapien? Sex. It was sex. Sex feels good, so (a lot of) people are driven to have it. There’s nothing wrong with that either. Promiscuity isn’t necessarily wrong. Social constructs can constrain acting on an instinct, but it can’t erase its existence.

So, in summary, sex is an instinct. Monogamy is a social construct. Satiation of sexual urges is normal behavior of the human animal. That’s ok. There are many ways to forge relationships between/among sexual partners; monogamy is just one option. That’s also ok. Don’t be ashamed to follow your what’s in your DNA— those helixes in your genome encourage social grace and communication too. :)

[my-wayward-son]

Hello, hello, is anyone home? It’s 9th grade biology! Remember this? Remember me? Or 7th grade sex ed? 12th grade health science? You know this. We all learned this. It’s so important that this country’s k-12 public school system taught it to us before they let us go off to college!

[my-wayward-son]

Problem solved #1

Airport boarding and deplaning is currently set up in a front-to-back manner; those with seats at the front board first, and those with seats at the back board last.

When boarding, the experience is super awkward and generally chaotic, as it involves squeezing down the aisle between very uncomfortable people already seated in the front whilst on the way to a seat at the back.

Deplaning, though frustrating and anxiety provoking for all involved, goes much more smoothly, as the passengers in front exit first and those in the back exit last, so the issue of infringement in personal space is reduced.

My proposal is to use the reverse of the deplaning method as the boarding method. It makes so much more sense to me if those with seats at the back of the plane board first, and those at the front board last. Then nobody’s butt is on anyone’s tray table fewer people get elbowed in the knee.

See? Simple solution. Airline management, take note.

[my-wayward-son]

I know I haven’t posted much on this blog lately. I’ll get back to the trans tips, but I want to bring this space back around to content my life and my thoughts. Sometimes happy. Sometimes frustrating. Sometimes funny. Always random. :)

[my-wayward-son]

Things I have explained to my dad

He was born in the last year of the boomer cohort, and he’s on the spectrum like me. Set in his ways he may be, but sometimes the general knowledge gap is…impressive.

The Mentalist and Sherlock (BBC) are not the same show.

There is a fee to take the credit exam for high school AP classes.

The police are not responsible for the number of traffic lights on a given road. The number of traffic lights is also not the sole cause of road rage.

Taking offense to Christopher Plummer’s line in a movie is not a personal attack by the actor (especially because he won an Oscar for his role). If you need to have a beef with someone, have a beef with the screenwriter.

When a person of color uses a word like “challenge” or “struggle” in a TV interview, your white supremacist eye rolling is beyond uncalled for. Especially when the interviewee in question is talking about training for the US Olympic water polo team.

Similarly, not participating in the activities of the KKK does not absolve you of being a racist asshole.

White eggs and brown eggs are the same inside.

You don’t get a pass on deadnaming because you don’t want to make the effort to change a 24-year habit. You also cannot call a trans person by the initials of their previous name, especially when the person’s best friend goes by the same initials.

Frozen vegetables in a microwaveable package do not require boiling in a pot on the stove.

Angel hair pasta is not the same thing as spaghetti.

It is very obvious when a polo shirt has become sun-bleached. When the inside of the collar has a distinctive color line, maybe that’s a clue to refresh the wardrobe.

You can clip your nails in the house. Going out to the back porch is not required, especially in extreme weather conditions.

When your child has been driving for over 7 years, said child giving you a ride is not a “driving lesson.”

Animal House is not a funny, lighthearted movie about frat brothers. It’s kind of violent and disgusting (there are extreme references to actual animal abuse).

Norwegian Wood is both a Beatles song and the title of a book. Declaring that it’s your least favorite Beatles song is not a great interjection when people (who are not talking to you) are discussing the book. (BTW, the book is a beautifully written piece of literature, but it is a huge mental health trigger fest).

[my-wayward-son]

I feel this so much. The introvert with an inner world, but knowing the “real” world requires interpersonal skills that just don’t come naturally? The undiagnosed autistic kid? The budding trans kid? Folks with health issues or mental illness that make it hard to be out of the house? People who write and create and play online because they’ve finally found people with similar interests? Making friends for the first time ever in their 20s?

That’s me, exactly, right there, thank you. There are a ton of notes on this post. There are so many of us the outside world skipped over. I hope people in this community will continue to recognize and care for each other. Keep the wheel on turning.

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #11– good clean hacks

If you’re doing one thing, why not do another? A lot of products can pull double duty, and others… we’ll just say, if you know, now you’re in the club.

Tangle teezers and electric razors are best friends. Use the guard (comb-like part, if you’re still getting a grasp on things) to pick and remove the fallen out hairs from way down between the tangle teezer’s bristles. Conversely, use the edge bristles of the tangle teezer to pull the shaved off beard hairs out of the guard and blade on your razor.

Best way to clean beard hairs off the bathroom counter AND have clean hands (so you can do your T shot and stuff)— break up the hand washing steps and clean in the middle. Wet hands, then use the wet hands to sweep up the hairs and get them into the sink. Push them down towards the drain, THEN add soap and scrub and dry.

I don’t know if everyone has this problem or if it’s something that bothers only me—I hate cleaning ‘down there’ with a shower scrubbing tool that will touch other parts of your body, even if using antibacterial soap. Take your bar soap (Dial Gold, right?) and rub hard against your pubic hair. Pick any strays off the soap, put it up, and use the lather to clean thoroughly with your hands.

When you have your alcohol wipes handy (again, like when doing your T shot), don’t toss the used wipe just yet. Use the other side to wipe off your phone, the nose pad of your glasses, and the nooks and crannies of your outer ears (seriously— you don’t need to be a hearing aid wearer to have clean ears).

A quick way to clean your toys is with hand sanitizers. Take a little sanitizer in your hand or on a tissue and rub away the grime and dried lube and all that stuff. Also, a great way to make sure you clean your stuff regularly is to use in-and-out boxes or bags. It works just like the ‘clean’ and ‘dirty’ pencil cups on reception desks; have two receptacles on hand, and when you’re finished using something, put in the out bag. When you clean up, put your things in the in bag.

I’ll talk more in-depth about shaving later, but my general rule is: if you can’t see it, don’t shave it. Shaving cream is tons of fun, but I don’t recommend using it on your face. If you’re using an electric razor, shave right after you shower, pat your face dry-ish, and apply gentle face lotion to your face and down your neck. That’s just enough lubricant to prevent razor burn and keep the hairs together while you shave. Also, unless you’re growing a stylized beard or mustache, you don’t need beard balm or oil. Face lotion always does the job.

Hair products are also super fun, but, if you’re on a budget, just use your hair conditioner in a different way. Get a spray bottle (they’re usually around $1 in the travel toiletries section) and squeeze a little into the bottle. Use just enough to cover the bottom of the bottle, then add warm water and shake. Keep shaking before each use, then spritz your hair and apply a comb (a tangle teezer, right?)

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #10– speed round

What can you do for an instant refresh? Most of these are best done at home, but, even in a pinch, they can make a whole lot of difference.

Comb your burns— if you have short hair, or if you have any side lying facial hair, slick your sideburn areas downward, either with your fingers or a handy pocket comb. If you wear glasses, this is especially useful if you want to look masc, professional, and ready to go.

That one hair sticking up? As long as it’s *tiny,* don’t hesitate to trim it off. If you have short hair or if you use gel/product, get yourself looking good to go, then grab that little cowlick and chomp it with moustache or hairstyling scissors.

Do your brows— If you don’t have gel or a mascara wand or anything, just use your fingers or a rattail comb to swish the little hairs the opposite direction- as in, not smooth. You’ll need touch-up to fix individuals by looking in a mirror and poking them with your fingertip. If you have sparse, pale, or thin brows, this is especially helpful on the masculization front.

Un-bunch your pockets— if you’re wearing clothing with pockets, stand up and flatten them inside and out. If you’re packing, take care, but unfortunate butt bulge or front folding is helpful for calming passing-anxiety.

Put things where they go— Sunglasses are on your face or the front of your shirt. Not your head. (The lenses get hair oil on them, and the nosepiece messes with your ‘do. Your bag is on your shoulder(s) or cross-body, not in your elbow kink. Wallet goes in the back pocket (if available), not the front. Phone goes in the other back pocket. Even better? Phone wallet. Then you’re set with 2 for 1. Keys go in the front pocket where they don’t get lost (they don’t mess with your load, trust me.)

Raise your chin. Posture is hard to keep in check with binding, so watch the angle of your chin to sternum and hairline to spine.

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #9

Why you need these three things NOW:

Antibacterial soap. Exfoliating mitt. Antibacterial lotion.

You’ll probably develop oiler skin and some body acne when you’re on T. (And it might stick around for years and years, unfortunately). But— we can fight it with just 3 things.

When you shower, put the antibacterial soap bar inside the exfoliating mitt. Then scrub your entire body, including your face. Now your pores are cleared, and you’re poised to moisturize without breeding another bacteria factory.

When you finish your shower, dry yourself completely and slather the antibacterial lotion over your entire body, including your face. Now, when you put on clean clothes, your sweat is less likely to make bacteria-and acne-breeding ground.

Also, take the lotion in the shower. Bam. Shave cream (for the legs and whatever else— I have medical patches that have to go on shaved skin.) You can use it as face shave gel, but you’ll have to apply it in a very thin layer.

Take the lotion in the bedroom. It’s water based and antibacterial. Perfect for you, your toys, your friends…whatevs. It does leave a little residue, but it won’t leave infections—of all kinds.

Take it with you! Put it in your hand sanitizer—now it doesn’t strip your hands while cleaning them. Mix it with sunscreen if chemicals or zinc don’t agree with you.

Keep using your three power tools - products- and you may see a difference in the quality of your skin.

[my-wayward-son]

So, that one book. Where the Wild Things Are. (I’d die if I ever diagrammed that un-sentence.)

But I’ve always disliked it. Hated it. Became unamused and disturbed to the point of tears when it was read out loud at, like, every “story hour” ever held in any establishment. Ever.

“I’ll eat you up, I love you so.”——>

“I will murder you and canabalize your flesh, because this represents endearment.”

You know, when translated per Oxford Standard.

Side note:(The autistic child takes every word in print as legitimately factual—as in, the opening scene in The Beauty and the Beast, “Belle had her nose in a book.” *Breaks the rule about talking during movies, as this question is very urgent.* “Mom, why would anyone read a photo book full of pictures of their own nose?”)

But, anyhow, am I possibly the last person on the planet to reevaluate the original passage, now with the application of Urban Dictionary?

“I’ll eat you up, I love you so.”

And then we go on a train wondering what exactly is the age of consent in Wild Thing (noun)? And why they never clarified the direct object in that very questionable title.

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #8

Five things that help you pass—and yes, these are going to be mega cliche, but I didn’t make the rules. People just auto assign you based on outward appearance.

Square neckline on your haircut— just ask your stylist to square off the back. They’ll know what you mean. That’s really the line that separates a pixie from a men’s style.

A wallet in your pocket—this is especially great if your jeans are just a little distressed around the wallet bulge on your back pocket.

Chunky shoes— and by this, I mean shoes that are larger/more visible than the cuffs of your pants. Don’t size up and stuff your toes; that’s just uncomfortable. Think about it this way: vans are wider/thicker soled than converse. The same can apply to any shoe style.

A computer bag— no purse, no clutch, no wallet wristlet… get a computer bag with a messenger style cross-body strap. Put whatever you want inside, but any bag that hits above your waist automatically looks femme from the view of passers-by.

A men’s watch—Smart watches are great, but a classic-style analog watch with a thick leather strap looks really snappy.

*bonus* for your all-day sipping beverages, carry a travel mug or water bottle, not a plastic cup with a straw. I don’t know why, but those to-go cups with their plastic lids and fun designs… just don’t go with the masc vibe.

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths # 7

Reasons why your fan will become your BFF

We’re talking about an electric plug-in tower fan. Not a ceiling fan. Not that slick silky open-and-shut thing you got as Pride swag and now only comes out when you need a dramatic moment of Mulan. I’m talking about the long tall skinny thing that blows air at you because you’re not in charge of the climate control. You know? One of those. If you’re in the US, you can get one at Walmart or Target for under $40.

Ok, sweet, now I’ll tell you why.

It makes the air cooler. The first sign that your T is working its way through your veins is the feeling of being overheated.

It dries moisture. You will probably sweat. Maybe a lot. Definitely more than you’d used to. When you have those moments of ‘I just got dressed why are my pores letting tear tracks down my back’, you can lift your shirt, stand in front of the fan, and feel Moses parting the waters and making a cool, dry pass between your shoulder blades.

It’s portable (kinda). Depending on your living situation, you may disagree with another person on the proper temperature of a shared space. Unplug and take your fan somewhere else. If you’re living by yourself in a place with multiple rooms (I had a one-bedroom apartment that had doors/walls separating bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, and living room.), you don’t need to buy another fan to put in another room. Just take yours with you and plug it in a different outlet. It’s also a great thing to have in your kitchen while cooking with the stove or oven.

It’s really loud. You won’t hear your roommates bickering. You won’t hear your neighbor’s excessive death metal. You have a great excuse for not coming when called (sorry, couldn’t hear you over the fan). It’s great at night. Or, you know whenever. Covers the sound of …smaller excessively loud electronic items. With its excessively excessive fan power.

It has buttons. Sometimes you get a remote, too. (It probably came with a manual that you probably threw away with the box because creating space for new object is more important than more important than ensuring the object actually works and you don’t have to take it back to the store. Right?) You get to be the chief engineer and in control of all the settings all the time because this thing is yours. Your fan. Nobody else’s. And by royal decree, oscillate at power 3, max force, with ions, to perfectly accommodate my spot on the couch, dammit!

It helps you sleep. If you have an app for soothing sounds, unsubscribe and save a dollar (or a spam file). Your fan makes wonderful white noise whilst keeping your room at the perfect sleeping temperature. It’s nice to have chilly air and warm linens, right? Lessen the possibility of sweaty sheets with a nice, blaring beee.

It does your laundry. If you have items of clothing that are hand-wash only, cut the drying time and string them up in front of your fan. Binders that are mesh or stretchy spanx material do not like to go into the big laundry with your jeans and shirts. They will wear out faster and sometimes fall apart when they go through a commercial wash-and-dry cycle. It’s also great if you want privacy from the family laundry load, or if you need your stuff to be your business only. Clotheslines and air drying aren’t just history. They’re good methods today, too.

[my-wayward-son]

Feel free to ignore me if this is annoying, I get not wanting to share, but out of curiosity, are you Jewish? I just ask cause you mentioned Hanukkah and I am, so I get a bit excited :)

No, I was raised in the Lutheran church, but as I’ve grown up, I’m thoroughly agnostic.

I sort of collect stuff, like trying to own every various item in a set of objects (I hope that makes sense). I have a ton of pajama pants and shorts from Gap, mostly because there are always “seasonal” patterns on clearance. Right now, they’re hawking winter holiday prints for very low prices.