#anyway birthdays are really stressful
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tagvent bc yeah
#i feel like a dick#like i am aware it is okay to not like some gifts you get on your birthday#and 80% of the gifts were solid#but there are these two gifts that i just#i know it's because my grandma passed that i'm being dramatic about it#but i saw them and i wanted to just sob on the floor and scream#and that is so dumb#because like my dad put time into thinking of those gifts#and i gave him no ideas for what i wanted#and like i feel bad saying hey can i return this and we can pick out something else together?#but that's better than just keeping the gift and never using it right#like i would rather know if someone didnt like my gift than just someone pretending to like it to appease me#anyway birthdays are really stressful#also my alive grandma came over and cracked jokes about being the better grandma because she showed up for my birthday#like what the actual fuck.#and my mom said oh shes just jealous of the relationship you had with your nana#she's just like that#someone needs to tell my grandma she can't fucking say shit like that#i dont care if she didnt mean it or was joking#its not fucking funny#and i want to just scream at her for that joke#and she always shits on my moms cooking when shes over#like she'll see my mom trying her best to accomodate my allergies and be like#oh this is so sad#you cant even have real cake#like what the fuck.#anyway better birthday than last year (i had covid and 100 degree fever) but could have been better#also my grandpa signed his and my nana's card (she picked it out but died before she could write in it)#and seeing only his words there threw me off#also i think im having my first panic attack since march
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the new girl at one of my favorite bakeries called me pretty this morning and it literally melted all my stress away 🥺
#kai.rambles#i was feeling sad bc my grandma is in the hospital and when i went to visit her they wouldn’t let me pass bc my license is expired#which okay ik that’s my fault but i took my passport with me just in case and the guy straight up told me that it wasn’t a valid form of id#and im like yeah tf it is ITS A PASSPORT and he said no#and while i was waiting for my mom to come down to the lobby an old lady came in and he turned her away for the same thing#and dudeee okay you turn me away fine fuck off but an old ladyyy??? at that age they don’t pay attention to that just let her pass#and then he argued with another woman bc she brought a flower arrangement and it had water so he couldn’t allow it HELLOOO??!?#so i had to leave and went to go get breakfast for my mom at least bc she stayed the night and i was supposed to stay the day#and when i came back to give her the food she told me that the nurse that was with my grandma asked what happened bc she wasn’t expecting#my mom to return and when my mom told her she immediately got so angry bc that same guy#didn’t allow her and a couple other nurses to bring in a cake for one of the residents#who’s birthday is today and they had a full on argument this morning#so it was all in all awful and now my mom has been there for more than 20 hours until later tonight when my aunt goes over :(#anyway this turned into a whole rant im sorry but im so mad bc i know for a FACT that a passport is a valid form of id#and he was just being a fkn dick#but the girl called me pretty and it took some stress off and she really liked my blush#and i liked hers so we had a little makeup 101 exchange and it was so nice at least 🥺#and i have a couple cute asks to answer that have made my day as well so i’ll get to those in a few 🥰
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the other day i was looking through the drawings on my old laptop and found this self-portrait art challenge thing i did at some point several years ago, so i thought it would be interesting to update it with my current self for old times' sake :-) i don't know why i felt the need to be so mean to myself in all the descriptions but i have tried to be at least slightly nicer this time around. sorry past me [id under cut]
[id: a series of four full-body digital drawings of a pale-skinned person at different ages. the first three depict me in 2007, 2013, and 2017 under the heading 'George'; the fourth, in a different art style, depicts me in 2023 under the heading 'Ned (I changed my name)'.
the first drawing shows a young child with long hair wearing a fluffy pink jumper, a pink skirt, and pink shoes. bullet points above read:
annoying
copies other people constantly
draws cute animals
arrogant
cries when told off
maybe 1 friend
the second drawing shows a young teenager wearing a hoodie and trainers and looking uncomfortable. bullet points above read:
anxious
listens to Simon and Garfunkel exclusively
bad under pressure
anime
writes bad fanfiction
draws bad fanart
the third drawing shows a smiling teenager wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and brown boots. bullet points above read:
what the HELL is a Self Esteem
really into 60s music
cries a lot
0 fashion sense
usually dissociating
thinkin about trees
the fourth drawing shows a young man with messy brown hair, a striped brown shirt, a beige woollen tank top, and burgundy plaid trousers; he is leaning on a wood-textured folding cane and holding the strap of a brown leather satchel with his other hand. bullet points above read:
still no self-esteem but medicated now
significantly worse handwriting (wrist knackered)
I haven't changed much to be honest
RBF so severe I get followed around by the security guards at the supermarket
autism
end id.]
#artwork#two posts in two days what is happening to me. ive been possessed#i think i did a decent job at capturing my likeness this time around :-) i doubt i'll ever post another picture of myself here (sorry i am#a nervous creature now) so hopefully this will suffice. i kind of look like [gestures]#i really like patterns. and stripes especially. also brown. if you couldnt tell#i am actually doing much better recently! i had what i think in retrospect was a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago but i am ok now. all gud#it was very contextual i had just got myself into a very stressful situation and basically just self-destructed for a few days until it was#resolved. the resolution was very satisfactory though so im mostly back to normal now#also i started taking antidepressants a couple of months ago and i think they have finally started working so i am in a much better place#than i have been for a while :-) yippee!#it's pretty neat to see how much my art style has changed too. i love using gouachey watercoloury brushes these days#anyway i hope you are all doing well my friends! it is my birthday tomorrow im going to be 8 million years old
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Art therapy is so fun because today I just drew pathologic fanart, and my therapist was like, "Awesome, so tell me about it"
#pathologic 2#pathologic#artemy burakh#мор утопия#my post#art therapy#i spent a couple hours playing on my birthday recently and it just made me so happy#i had to explain to my therapist what the game was#at first she was like “are you sure you should be playing that?”#but then she started to get really excited when i told her about how ive been using it to help manage stress n shit#plus hyperfixation mode activated#my stress tolerance and ability to break down tasks has improved so much because of this game#its literally my favourite#sobbing crying#did i mention i love this game?#anyway she said it was very insightful and im so happy because all i had to do was be autistic for half a session#also no. you may not see the image#i didn’t have a reference so its off model lmaooo#may redo the concept on digital ::3
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he needed it...
#c: soley#scrns: soley#ffxiv gpose#i do have another screenshot with a different colour profile but i like this one too#colourful :>#anyway i can't believe this bike is tradeable. absolutely wild#in my head zj gave him this bike for like a birthday or an anniversary or something#i'm justifying replaying arr on him by calling it a weird stress dream he's having so the bike gets to be there also :)#7.0#(not really a spoiler but just in case? just in case someone considers the bike a spoiler idk)#(better safe than sore and all that)
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not to be annoying but my heart and mind will forever reside on tumblr but now my life is so so so incredibly busy doesn’t mean that this blog isn’t one of my safest and most favorite creative spaces/outlets/inspirations. yeah idk what the point of this is but. i miss it here.
#listening to kevin abstracts debut album and it has me feeling deep teenager feelings#also getting my wisdom teeth removed has me in a diabolical spiral#like i’m so so so not okay physically#i’m in so much pain#and i’m so stressed with back to school as well#as usual everything implodes all at once#but here we are#i will buzz my hair and dye it blonde and go to the final brat night for my birthday and i will be healed#i’m putting it out there 🧿🧿🧿#(lmao also my eczema is flaring up like crazy and i’m breaking out so. really just in my ogre era#anyways send me well wishes i need them#.txt
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you don't have to read this i just have so much pent-up in my head.
(if you do tho the tags are just as important as the post.)
i wish i could make people unfollow me without blocking them? bc like. every single palestine ask i get (whether spam or real) they follow me. even though it's not set up so only followers can send asks. i think they do it because like, then they think i will be more willing to help? bc follower counts are so important on other platforms and to most people, it's probably like an exchange? They do the nicety of adding to my follower count and so i will be more willing to donate money to their cause? but like. i don't want followers just for followers. it makes me uncomfortable. i've got a little over 150 followers right now but probably a third are palestine fundraiser blogs (and a few bots i can't tell are bots or not and promotional spam). it makes me uncomfortable? it makes me feel like the numbers a lie? i want the people following me to be there because they actually care about my blog/me?
obviously i don't want to block these people! they are in a genocide trying to do whatever they can to survive! they are on here trying to ask anyone and everyone so that out of the hundred of people they ask maybe one or two can donate a few dollars! they are trying every tactic they can to make people listen to them! following! posting photos! using eye-catching colours and fonts! writing out their stories! all things that are emotionally and or/physicaly exhausting and draining all in an attempt to just get someone to listen! and honestly it's sort of unfair that they have to follow random people and clog up their dash with random stuff just so people are more willing to help (obviously most of these people didn't have tumblr before and aren't here for the dash, but i imagine a dash full of palestine help would be less overwhelming than a huge mass of random fandoms while you go find people to ask).
#i also get. so. many. palestine asks. and i do think a good chunk are spam but a good chunk are real too and i can't tell the difference#but it really stresses me out how i get so many bc like. i do not have the money to help you people.#and i have said that on every ask ive answered#and the majority of my following doesn't really have the money either. and plenty of them aare struggling for money and asking for help#& now im mounted with tens & tens & tens of asks in my ask box of people i cant help my following cant help & i don't know are real or not#but i have this duty to share them anyways bc even if i can't donate just sharing helps#but again i don't even know which are real#and it's overwhelming and stressful#but then how pathetic/inappropriate is it to feel that way compared to what they are going through?#they are in a genocide and i'm “uncomfortable” at the amount of asks pleading for help in my ask box???#that's fucked up!!!#and why am i even saying i don't have the money to help? i don't have a job and have never had one but i've saved up a bit for a few years#for a special occasion like my birthday or a legal name change or something#who cares if i get that? they can't either! and they are a lot worse of without it than i am without it!#and i have money from a car accident a few years ago from when i was in a car accident that will be all the money to my name once i cut my#parents off. it's all i'll have to try getting housing and maybe film school and such before i can get a job#but why not give them all of that too! who cares if i give away all my money and i live in a cardboard box in the side of the road!#a cardboard box on the side of the road would still be better living conditions than what they are going through!#and if i can make their life better without making my life worse than theirs don't a have a moral obligation to?#so why don't i do that!#what is wrong with me!#unityrain.txt#moral ocd#obsessive compulsive disorder#ocd#actually ocd#maube i shouldn't tag this as palestine#palestine.#<-with a period.#so that way it doesn't show up in people following the normal tag
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I'm. nearly finished the cosmetic contest video. after...almost 13 hours of non-stop editing...
there is not even any respite from this madness in my immediate future...as corydalis' birthday is technically next week OTL
#dbd#thoughts about media#do I still have to work today? yes.#am I getting paid enough to suffer more after not sleeping? no.#but this god-damned dental surgery isn't going to pay for itself OTLLLL#anyway. I just have to do a few minor things and the video is finished. it's like. 6:30 am tho. and I need at least a LITTLE sleep.#I really hope people will dig the skin. I cannot stress enough that days upon days of work went into it.#It's still not the most insane thing I've drawn of hux. no- that I still haven't posted either.#but it's probably second place honestly.#as for corydalis. whew yeah. the 22nd will be one year since I first played bg3.#it's funny because he means so fucking much to me yet I haven't really shared art of him at all.#I have art of him made. but he's getting something special for his birthday.#a solo piece. I mean. like hux and donnie have gotten in the past.#he deserves it for reviving my enjoyment of making OCs.#and-- of course-- for being faerun's coolest And hottest dad.
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I really want to celebrate my birthday this year. I want to be able to believe people would actually make time for me. I want my friends to meet each other. I don’t want to feel melancholic I want to feel loved.
#part of why I never really celebrate it is that I find planning things for others very stressful#but another big part honestly is that I’m so dumb and so used to letting my brain tell me people don’t actually like me#and would find it a chore to be invited to celebrate my birthday#isn’t that insane? isn’t that fucking sad?#but you know what no I’m turning 25 this year is there a better occasion to just say you know what I’ll accept your love and your friendship#I’ll trust you you will celebrate me why wouldn’t you#@ mutuals what are you doing last weekend of August? 👀 literally if you want to you’re welcome to Stockholm#and I want my friends to mingle my childhood friends my high school friends my uni friends#I used to hate the idea of my friends meeting because I was so different with all of them#but I don’t think I am anymore in that way I’ve found more peace in myself#ANYWAY momento triste and self deprecating is over time to go to work#snicksnack
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#i really want to take myself to a fancy restaurant for my birthday and idk what the etiquette is for eating alone anywhere but#especially somewhere nice like. i figure bringing a book would be the safest option & also would make me a main character#i wouldn’t want to be disruptive or draw attention to myself which is why i’d be nervous to watch something#but i want to do things alone!!! i want to take myself places!!! i want to experience things!!!#and i have amazing friends but doing literally anything with anyone else will always cause me at least a little stress#anyway hi! if you have any ideas i’d love to hear them <3
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im so mad im going to draw my favorite characters so i wont be so mad
#UGHHH whayever. throwsup#Sorry i havent eaten at all today and ive been stressed the fuck out over a minor thing#ughhhhhh the world hates me everyone hates me#On a semi related note I might finally try selling adopts because i really dont like being poor#its annoying as fuck Likei didnt even get to keep my birthday money bc i immediately had to give it back#people constantly ask me for money despite me being the only unemployed one in the house#I can never keep anything ever#anyways lalala im going to snap someday
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hate to say it but july kinda sucked
#please let me whine and list all the things that have troubled me this month#first off having to get serious about my master thesis and everything taking so much longer than I want it to (the anxiety. wow)#and mentally preparing to tackle two jobs AND finishing the thesis all at once soon (how......am I gonna do that)#well then ofc my car breaking down and having to spend my last savings on a new one#generally having to spend a shit load of money. all my money. gone within 2 months#wanting to have a big birthday party so badly only for it to get so stressful and Too Much for my introverted perfectionist ass#that I was the first and only one to feel (physically and mentally) sick about four hours in and had to leave my guests on their own#the usual old struggles flaring up again (as in too high expectations towards everything and everyone and myself that leave me disappointed#and on a more irrelevant note lmao: being one of the few people who doesn’t seem to have enjoyed barbenheimer that much?#same for jk’s solo and everything around it it's just not really for me#and thus feeling a little distanced from the fandom and from creating lately...I'll try again this weekend though I'll try#and last but not least my skin is being SO bad again rn that I just want to rip it off my whole body!!!!!!!#yeah! not at all how I wanted july to go! anyways august in a few days let’s move on and hope for the best#SORRY for being negative on here again. there were also nice things. like awi and al and all my other friends.#and birthday gifts and messages. <33
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.
#I sent an honest message to my leaders about work about how I’ve been painfully stressed for the last few months and immediately clocked out#*at work#anyways I wish josh was here to calm me down because panic started in literally as a I was writing it lololol#but I’m honestly at my breaking point so I finally was just like look :) I have been overwhelmed and stressed for months now :)#and I’m doing my best :)#so… it’s either gonna go really poorly or make things better lol#but they asked why I keep getting behind on projects so I finally snapped#I’m just glad I have therapy tomorrow lol#between this and my failed Dr appointment last Wednesday and my roommate going behind my back and applying for a new job yesterday l#it has been a bad week <3#and I want to cuddle with Josh while he tells me words of encouragement <3#anywho I feel sick now and have to go out for my brother’s birthday so slaaaayy#at least I get crab rangoon
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my brother got a hacked psp for his birthday today and i stole it before going to bed and played tekken dark resurrection until almost 1 am. strife w
#text#his birthday is tomorrow + i didnt quite steal it because all of 'his' consoles are actually ours#my mom played some super mario brothers on it and she had fun. cute#i loved this a lot though#played a bunch on quick battle and then on arcade and got up to 7th kyu. i think i turned off autosave and stuff though becuase of reasons#i probably shouldn't have. i should fix that next time i play. ill have to ask my brother how to if i cant do it myself. hhhhh#played the whole time exclusively with hwoarang it was a blast#im shit at fighting games and launchers are so hard to do becuase the analog stick on this thing is TINY and i cant do them with the d-pad#but yeah. such a good console though i love this sm. and tekken doesnt feel as stressful at all on this so i see myself playing often hehe#i dooooo plan to get project diva f2nd on this thing since my brother Really Wants me to also play on this. like my own game. so.#but yeah anyway. fun
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y'all should send me memes i may or may not reply to later today
#» out of character — ⌜main sup irl.⌟#it's my sister's birthday and i was w her since breakfast and it was nice but i'm exhausted#i need a nap..#and tomorrow i'll go out w her again#she'll introduce me to sb she's dating and i'm excited to meet them#but she may or may not mean to introduce me to people for dating purposes bc she thinks it'll help me get over a crush#and that. is stressing me out a little bc i don't really work like that 🤧#anyway sorry for the vent in the tags now i die send me memes in the meanwhile etc
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We're leaving Saturday morning, I just took basically all of my clothes out of my closet and piled them near my suitcase so we know what I'm taking, and seeing my closet all empty (except for all the stuff I never wear I'm not taking with me) is like. Oh my god I'm leaving and I'm not coming back for months. Every time I leave for holidays I think "oh I should take this and this and this and this juust in case, yeah it's just a week but what if I really need my thick socks in the middle of summer?" before I restrain myself and just take three t-shirts, but now that I have the opportunity to pack literally everything in there, it feels wrong. I should not actually be packing up every piece of clothing I still wear. The clothes that stay at home are proof that I'm coming back, if I take them with me too there's no reason for me to go back!
#which is silly cause i'm not taking everything#it feels a little like that but i'm leaving most of my stuff really#some plushies my books my potteries my desk my pc my bedding some toiletries and probably more#i'm nit actually moving out for real#it's just for a year#and i'm coming back for christmas!#we haven't booked tickets yet or anything cause it's too far away but i have holidays then#and i'm not ready for my first christmas without my parents yet y'know#if i could make reality bend to my whims like i'm the player in the sims controlling the little pixel guys' lives#i would live like 15 minutes away from my parents and all my friends#easy to go even by foot if there's spme kind of emergency (real or just I Need To Eat Candy With My Bestie Right Now)#but still separate#but easy to go for literally anything. birthdays and christmas and my mom's paella and impromptu trilogy marathons#that'd be great#if i were rich i would buy a whole apartment building and i would offer a flat to everyone i like for cheap#and life would be beautiful#anyway. SATURDAY!!!! Saturday Holy Fucking Shit I Am So Stressed And It's Going To Get Worse#wow i have a ramble tag now#england adventures
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