#anyway don't let the bad thoughts stop you from creating/sharing your art

[rurukatt]

One of the worst things is being insecure about your art/writing. I’ve kinda gotten over that with art (I get self-conscious sometimes but I’m not really vocal about it anymore), but I still get terribly anxious when it comes to my writing, lol. Like, I’m very excited to share something I’ve been working on because it’s been months, if not years, since I wrote anything even remotely consistent and I’m proud of it!! But the first thing that pops into my dumb brain is always “what if someone comes into my dms with a “he would NOT fucking say/do that”” and I’m like. Haha, yeah. What if!

[renagato]

So here I am, coming back from the dead of every possible social media app (maybe expect pinterest..).

- rising from the dead to write a post about how I absolutely suck at posting.

Note: I'm writing this on a whim, without even making notes, so I might NOT make sense at moments. But I will write this sht anyways. No one can stop me.

So here's my short story:

I started posting art more than a year ago on insta, it wasn't that bad actually. But I was posting the kind of art I had no connection to (to make more likes) so,, i burned myself out and stopped posting. After a year of break I decided to start sharing my art again (art that I actually enjoy creating) BUT I suck at posting. And it's not like I don't have art to post but I'm still doing horribly..

Then, du-du-du, what is it? What's stopping you? What is your problem?

Well, the first answer is "tf I know" but let's ponder on this a bit.. What makes it difficult for me to post and run a proper account?

Reason number one! The sole act of posting is stressful (and also bothersome in a way?). It's stressful because I already think about how many likes I'll get (or how I won't get any bruh), plus I have to write a shitton of hashtags to even hope to get some. To add to that, there's that thought that I'm sharing my art with complete strangers in the back of my head and I get scared of judgement.

Stop! You can fight this fear, and put up with hashtags somehow, right? Actually, I did pretty well for some time. But alas, then comes the reason numberrr-

Two! The algorithm (maybe not here on tumblr but you know the deal). If you're irregular, it'll take you years to build your account. And I'm irregular af. I draw irregularly, and thus post even more irregularly or I don't do it at all. So I can say goodbye to a proper account, I guess, and chances of somebody finding me.

Well, I could go back to the "posting" part as I got a random thought - the act of posting somehow kills the fun for me? Firstly, you have to watermark your piece if you don't want it stolen (and it doesn't guarantee its safety in 100% anyways, bruh) and I don't watermark my arts AT ALL. Thus, even if I know I should, I end up forgetting to do it anyway and I get frustrated over a pretty much silly thing that a watermark is. Secondly, the stress that I talked about already.

Let's go to reason number three! And maybe this one is my main problem? I get discouraged easily and I struggle with keeping up with things (being irregular, as I mentioned before + simply forgetting to do things). And well, I can only blame myself on that, I guess 💀 I have lots of ideas but committing to anything is a big pain for various reasons - everything I discussed above + a bit of perfectionism too, I'd say. That's kind of a bad mix,,

So, we got 3 big reasons and everything in-between I probably didn't think of! If anyone has read all of this, thank you.

And since I'm struggling but still would like to run some sort of account/blog, I'd like to ask for any sort of advice! Or maybe you relate to what I wrote. In any case, feel free to share your thoughts and ideas!

Ahh, now I need to put the tags, good heavens..

[acciocriativity]

You and Me || Harry Potter

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Slytherin/Reader

Summary: It's always been you and Draco since you can remember, the invincible duo, the two of you against the world but some things have changed along the way and it's not news to any soul at Hogwarts but it's time your parents knew too. 

 Word Count: 2,8k

A/N: I took a bit to finish but here it is your story @x-dratie-x. I hope you all like it! Tom Riddle is not Voldemort in this oneshot, Voldemort didn’t exist at all but the events of the first war and its consequences still is valid, but with another wizard.

Warnings: A very very slightly sexual conversation and that's all

1987  

  I didn't want to be at that dinner, I didn't want to have to listen all day long to how well I should behave because the Malfoy's were such an important family or something. 

I had plans for the week, I would go with our elf to buy more art supplies and I was allowed to spend the day outside the house, just drawing the landscape. 

My parents never let me participate in events like this, because I might mess up, say something inappropriate for the moment, or whatever excuse they decided to make up. But out of the blue, I was told that I would have to be there. Why? I couldn't understand and I didn't even ask them, what good would it do? None. 

The day was only getting worse and worse by the hour for me, I just wanted to take off that dress and go play but I couldn't, obviously. So I did what was left to me, smile and eat politely without making any noise or comments, not that there were any comments I would like to make. I had no idea what they were talking about, it was absolutely boring. The only thing that made me feel slightly better were my own thoughts and the fact that their son was as bored as I was. 

We knew each other because of some casual encounters between our parents but never had the opportunity to talk to each other, because of course, only grown-ups talk.

But it seems that I drew the long straw after a horrible day, after dinner Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy were invited to stay a little longer and I was excused along with Draco to play.  

I could hardly believe it, I wouldn't have to sit there and smile for another 45 minutes, my happiness couldn't be measured at that moment. Not even waiting for my mother to say it again, I stood up and said goodbye politely with a smile before walking up the stairs and I could hear footsteps following me somewhat hesitantly but I didn't care at the moment. 

"Come on, let's go play in my room", I exclaimed with a huge smile and threw the bow tie, which was pinning my hair, on the floor and quickly walked over to it uncaringly.

 I missed his shocked expression but as soon as we reached my door, he made sure to make it clear to me. 

"Do your parents let you do that?", the question made no sense in my head but stopping to think about it now, it makes sense, he should always be flawless. 

"They don't care as long as it's not in front of guests, you won't tell them, right?", his greyish blue eyes reflected mine and for a few seconds I thought that was a beautiful effect.

 He looked away from me and nodded slightly in agreement, his face covered in shyness and I just squealed with delight. I opened the door and pulled him inside, his hand was so cold that I thought about taking one of my jackets and handing it to him. 

"So what do you want to do? I have some toys in my closet, I'll get them", I walked happily to the door and proceeded to try to decide what I would want. Some was not the best word, there were a lot of them, far more than I would ever use. 

 I came back with a big mulberry box that I've only been able to carry within the last year and placed it on my bed but he didn't even notice, he was looking at my drawings. 

"Oh, you liked them. I wish I had done one more today, do you want to try?", I asked him and walked over to the table where my sheets were. 

"Yeah, they're not too bad", he stated nonchalantly and I didn't believe him for a moment but I chose to keep my mouth shut for once. 

 I picked up two white sheets, two quills and sat down quietly on the floor, since I didn't have two chairs for the two of us but it seems he wasn't used to that. 

"Come on, hurry up, your parents won't be here forever", I patted the seat next to me and soon he sat down as well, I noticed his posture still uncomfortable and my goal for the day turned to change that, if only for 5 minutes. 

 From that day on, we became closer and our parents obviously understood and liked that, because we were strengthening their relationship and at no point that crossed my mind. I was just happy to be supported by my parents to visit Draco. 

1991

 My Hogwarts letter had arrived some weeks ago and I hadn't let go at any point, going to Diagon Alley had become a completely different experience and I couldn't wait, but I had to because I pleaded with my and his parents so that we would go together.

But the day had finally arrived and I had to contain all my energy to not look like an out of control little girl, nothing out of the ordinary but today was more difficult because I was genuinely happy. I was always genuinely happy with my only real friend. 

"Y/N, you must hurry or we are going to be late", I could hear my mother's voice from downstairs just as I finished putting on my flats. 

 As it was a very important occasion I had chosen my favorite outfit, even my parents were a little excited too. They had told me that they had met at Hogwarts and that I would find someone from a good family at Slytherin as well. This part was completely ignored by me but they never found out about it. 

"I'm here mom, we won't be late", I said as soon as I came down the stairs and approached them without running. We were near the fireplace and I mentally thanked them for not having to apparate, because it was always a horrible experience for me.

"Okay, I'll go first and you two right after", my father made sure to announce although he always goes first when we go out like that.   

 After a few minutes, we arrived in front of Flourish & Blotts and there was the imposing Malfoy family. After a small talk in which I had no interest in paying attention to, we all went inside and we were finally able to talk while our parents were engaged in a conversation with the attendant. 

"I've already said it once and I'll say it again, I honestly don't understand how you're not that excited, it's Hogwarts", I whispered to him as we walked through the messy shelves full of books. 

"It doesn't seem like a great thing after hearing it so many times", I could clearly see that there was something more there, I had known him long enough to know that and also that he wouldn't tell me easily. 

"Okay, so you're telling me that you're not the least bit excited to leave Malfoy Manor to start your life?", his lips twitched trying to hold back a smile, his eyes shifted from mine, looking for something to distract himself. 

 But I could stop him, my cunning little hands went to his waist tickling that area before he could prevent me from doing so. That was enough to make him laugh, although he denied that he was ticklish every time I asked. 

This attack did not end well for me, because revenge existed in his vocabulary and was even overused. I had to run, as fast as I could, and it still didn't work. 

And why? Because I went to a dead end corridor upstairs, I had never even visited the second floor of that store, the day I went there I had to get unlucky. 

In short, I was attacked twice more without mercy, my glasses almost got broken and we were so noisy that the owner gave us a scolding and our parents did the same as soon as we left with our packages, but this was not enough to ruin the day and our good mood. 

1993

 It was already expected that we would both end up in Slytherin, which was great because we didn't have to be separated, on the opposite, we became closer than ever. It also didn't take long to form our group of friends, actually not more than a month but the thing that made us truly close started in the third year when I had a genius idea. 

We all had a reason to dislike Harry, mine was nowhere near Draco's, no one's was but we shared it anyway. It was always fun to pick fights with him, make pranks and get him into trouble on purpose, so why not make it a little game? It was so easy that the idiots, Crabbe and Goyle understood the first few times, you can't expect more than that from them, and this was certainly a record for both. 

The game had three main objectives: 

- Take the most materials from Harry or his friends: ink, quill, books, whatever they were carrying would be a prize and would get a point.

- See him or his friends more often, with the intention of spying on them just for fun, of course. It could be in class or in the corridors, each time would be an extra point. 

- Pick fights with him or his friends, each minute was worth one point and to be proven, had to have someone to confirm it. 

 Of course, there was no room for lies, and I made sure to put a spell on our board to prevent this. Yes, I had made a small board that stayed with me but each team wrote down their own score.

To make it more fun, we split up into pairs. Draco and I, Pansy and Blaise, Grabbe and Goyle, Astoria and Millicent and Tom and Theo.

And finally, the best part, whoever had the most points at the end of the year would win 5 galleons from each person, as well as having a celebration party financed by the losers.  

Needless to say, Draco and I always won since the day I created the game. Our friends always complained about us playing dirty but it was never necessary and deep down they knew it, it must be hard to lose every year so I don't judge them.  

1995

"Are they still complaining?", I remained with my eyes closed, it was comfortable to lie curled up against Draco on the couch in the common room. We had two free classes, which was being put to good use to get some rest after a year of N.O.M.S. and a devastating victory in our little game.

"They'll get over it when we come back in September, I guess.... You're missing the best part", his voice came out whispered directly into my ear and I couldn't help but smile.      

 I didn't need to see the scene to know what was going on, Tom and Theo blaming each other for the defeat, everyone standing back from them because no one wants to get involved in their ego battle and our other friends trying not to laugh because it was a funny scene, even if they didn't know it.

"They're taking longer than last time...", I commented slightly annoyed by the noise. I had no idea what had happened to me, because usually I spent the afternoon celebrating my victory but not today. 

"Let's get out of here, you seems so good", he hadn't even completed his sentence when I agreed and painfully got up to go to his room. 

 But before I could take two steps, I felt his arms go around my waist and legs, leading me up the stairs in a bridal style.

I smiled wider and snuggled into his arms, enjoying more of the warmth and good feeling it gave me until we reached the bed.

"Thanks honey, I don't know what happened today", I commented under my breath as soon as he had me lying on the bed, but I knew it was a lie.

"Are you sure? This isn't related to the fact that our parents will know about our relationship in a few days?", I hoped he would pretend he didn't know but that wasn't the case, I wasn't going to be able to run away from the subject.

"It's just that I don't like them meddling in our lives, of course I have nothing against your parents, I'll love to be introduced as your girlfriend but my parents will be twice as unbearable", I sighed and hugged the blond once more, if there was one thing that made me better it was this. 

"Like my mom isn't going to start a 3 year planning for our wedding after she finds out, but at least they'll be used to it by the end of the summer and we won't have to go through this again", he began to fiddle with my hair and curl the strands between his fingers, slowly my shoulders relaxed and a considerable chunk of my worry faded away.

"Yes, I think so but it's going to be a lot harder for us to be alone now. You definitely won't be stepping foot in my room like you did when we used to play together", the memories flooded back and I felt him smile too, it had been a while since this had escaped my thoughts. 

"I don't need to worry about that, we slept together for almost the entire year at Hogwarts and they can't do anything about it and we'll keep doing it", I couldn't see him since my face was buried in his neck, but the perfect image of his mischievous grin formed in my head. 

 "The question is, will you survive for two months without me? Because I don't see that happening", I teased with a huge smirk as I turned to look him in the eye. 

"It won't happen because your father won't be enough to stop me love and I'll make sure you don't have to resort to your hands, because we know it wouldn't be enough", smugness was all over his face and as much as I searched for an answer to that, I didn't have one. Not in the first few seconds. 

"Good love, that's good because I'm sure your hands wouldn't do a better job either. In fact, I'd be a little worried if they actually still work, in case we get separated", I had managed to wipe the smirk off his face but I also knew it wouldn't stay that way, revenge was still an overused word in his vocabulary. 

 A week later, there I was on one of the Hogwarts Express cars with Draco, since we couldn't fit all our friends there anyway, we decided to enjoy the last hours of freedom we had together. 

And how quickly it went by, one moment I was chatting with my boyfriend while my puppy slept peacefully in her travel bed and the next, we had arrived and a wave of students were trying to get through the doors at the same time. 

We stepped off the train holding hands, while I carried only my baby in the other, and this detail did not escape the trained eyes of our parents who were talking side by side but as soon as they noticed us they stopped.

"For Merlin's sake, you two finally decided to listen to me and are in a relationship now?", my mother's eyes sparkled with excitement and I could already hear her voice asking me all sorts of embarrassing questions. "Narcisa, our family is finally becoming one, this is the best news I could ever receive", she could jump for joy now but because of the good posture of a London high society woman, she did not do that.

"How about dinner at our house today? We have a good reason to celebrate," I had seen his mother smile at me several times but even Lucius Malfoy seemed satisfied enough to show a little bit of his teeth, which is indeed shocking.

 My parents agreed to the idea immediately and only one look was exchanged between Draco and me, it only took a single look to know that we both acknowledged it would be an insufferable night. 

Harry Potter Masterlist

[chaolie]

Funtober Day 31 - Free Prompt / My own AU

For the Free Prompt Day I decided to do art for an AU I came up with ages ago but never got around to posting about it. I first started thinking about it not long after Wilbur blew up L'Manburg and it diverges from canon around that time, too. It's pretty elaborate, and it's been a while since I yelled about things under the cut, so I'll explain it below! But again, I came up with a lot of ideas I don't have the time to elaborate on, so if anything interests you feel free to send me an ask or something!

Okay so first of all, lives and conflict worked a tiny bit differently in this AU. All the wars were a little bit more... light-hearted, I suppose? Of course, they were still wars, people suffered and alike, but they moved on from those conflicts more easily. Everyone also started off with 3 lives, including Mr. Minecraft himself, but there is a way to gift people one of your lives. I still remember the reason I made it that way was because soon after we found out canon lives were A Thing Dream posted a list of lives on Reddit and he accidentally wrote Techno had 5, so my tiny brain asked "What if Phil had 3 and gave 2 to Techno tho?" and so... yeah. It stayed.

Now that the two changes from the usual mechanics are explained, let me get started on the story itself! The Manburg vs Pogtopia war goes the same as it went in canon, Schlatt dies, Tubbo ends up the president, Wilbur blows up L'Manubrg, Philza shows up and ends up killing him... However, Techno has more withers prepared. And I mean A LOT of those. About 50, maybe? Which I know is unconventional to spawn, but he somehow manages anyway. As the world owner, Dream also powers them up a bit to make sure they're even harder to beat and the two of them fight anyone who tries for a bit.

Then, they realize that those withers might be too strong even for them, but it's kind of too late and they're spreading around the world already. People start dying, and for some reason all deaths count as canon, so they're soon forced to retreat. Everyone ends up either on their own or in tiny groups with no way of knowing if they're the only survivors, and the world is broken both in a "it's blown up by overpowered withers" way and in a "mechanics break and nothing works properly anymore" way. And with that, basically everyone has their own story.

Fundy, who I mainly thought about when making this AU, ends up with Eret. He got hurt while battling the withers and the monarch decided to get them both to safety, and the safest place nearest to them they knew of was the long-abandoned final control room. Which is... not an ideal place to stay in after dying there once. Fundy absolutely hates it there but Eret does their best to make him feel safer and they help him heal before going to check if the withers were handled yet, so it's better than it could've been. The withers were obviously not handled yet, and even checking that ended with Eret getting seriously injured and permanently stuck with a withering effect. This places a new responsibility on Fundy's shoulders, who is now the only one in the group capable of going scavenging/exploring outside.

He adapts pretty well, he can easily get his hands on new supplies because it's not like he ever felt too bad about taking things from other people's chests, and now it's even easier because the owners could be far, far away, or even dead, so they're not gonna mind. He starts wearing his Dreamon Hunter coat to hide more of his fur and such, and since he's a fox hybrid, he quickly realizes that the overpowered withers make a sound, so he can tell when one's approaching him.

There is... so much more I can talk about regarding this AU, but not all of it is Fundy-centric, so I'll stop myself for now. If you want to know anything about any character, or about how the world breaks, or anything really, please ask!! I didn't talk about this idea for so long and I'd love to finally share it! And also I want to mention, this was created so long ago that when I read my own notes, I find things barely mentioned in the fandom anymore, and it's just... man, I don't think I have an AU I love more than this one. It just brings me indescribable amounts of happiness :D

==========

Also, I just want to say that I'm??? Genuinely surprised I didn't miss any days in Funtober and that I didn't fall behind?? I'm pretty sure I never got past the 1st week in any other tries but here I am now, posting for the 31st time this month, and I'm just??? Super proud of myself for that. I give up easily on things, and it's amazing to finally stick to a challenge long enough to finish it! And I think it helped me to improve with my art, too! Sure, I still struggle with things, but I learned to draw backgrounds, figured out shading and lighting a bit... and I'm very happy with that!

So yeah, that's it I guess? Thanks for reading if you're still here! And I hope you enjoyed my art for the past month!!

[fivour]

1/2/3/4/5/11/12/13/15/16/24/25 i don't think i will ever stop asking you things about your writing hehe (=^･ｪ･^=)

youre keeping this blog alive bro keep askin’

answered 4 in a previous ask.

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1. was being a writer a dream of yours when you were little? or did it spring up when you were older? or is it just a hobby?

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I never thought about being a writer as a kid, it was always something like an artist/teacher/musician aka rock star. I think it’s just a hobby for now although I would like to begin freelancing/commission work at some point. With my career plans, I’ll more than likely have to publish a research book at some point, though, but that’s many years off.

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2. overall, would you say you are more driven by plot or characters in writing? (what makes you more excited about an idea?)

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Characters 100%. If they are little toy soldiers, then I am the nine year old boy’s shithead cat that knocks them into the register vents. I wanna play with them and mess ‘em up.

Plots do not interest me in the slightest and I do not like making them. It’s part of why I don’t usually write longfic, only oneshots and short multi-chapter work.

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3. give an overview/description of some of your past stories. (only if you are willing, of course!)

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Here’s a... fun story: One of my first fanfictions was a story about Percy Jackson family feud. I was sick at home a lot, so I had daytime television brainrot. Anyways, I got multiple reviews telling me I spelled "feud" wrong, some constructive some not. However, I was a spoiled brat and I couldn’t handle not being the smartest person in the room, so I doubled down on "Family Fued.”

I am now an honors English kid and still cannot spell feud, field, or chief without autocorrect. It is my punishment for being an asshole on the internet in 2014.

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5. do you have an idea for a story you don’t feel you can write at this current time? (whether it be because life is busy right now, you need to do more research, etc.)

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Yes. I have a concept and outline for a long DioNilla fic inspired primarily by The Guilty by David Baldacci and this one podcast episode about partners in crime. At this point, there’s two different versions of it and I don’t know which I like more (one hit wonder for revenge or a totally romantic murder spree?). Both would have drastically different legal outcomes, but I’m not law-fluent enough to write either and the courtroom is an unavoidable scene I can’t just gloss over.

I also have an AU inspired by a movie that I’m not sure if I will ever write.

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11. share a passage from one of your works and tell us why you liked it so much.

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This is difficult because I have no recollection of anything I have ever written before yesterday. So I’ll just pick a recent one.

“His shoes are not thick enough to stop his leg from feeling jarred and his toes from feeling smashed, but the pain is enough to distract from the anger bubbling in the pit of his stomach. His heart races, pounding furiously against his rib cage, as if it were a prisoner beating at cell bars. It feels as if it’ll explode right from his chest, and his stomach quickly follows suit, churning with the pure agony that his newfound fury is putting his nerves through.

Fugo is miserable.

Fugo is miserable of mind and body and he wants to hurt something.”

Mabye I cheated a little. But I really like how this fic turned out in general (props to you for requesting it). This passage especially, because I used my own issues with and response to anger as a basis for Fugo’s reaction.

I think this is the most accurately I have ever described how it feels to be enraged and full of adrenaline. Not necessarily wanting to harm something or even yourself; you just need to get rid of the excess of energy that’s exploded inside of you all of a sudden. It’s an itch for action in a situation where it isn’t appropriate.

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12. what is the worst writing advice in your opinion?

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I’ve seen people totally against pantsing/not plotting a work (like, you-aren’t-a-real-writer against it), but I think the only thing I have to do to describe how foolish it is to discredit that method is point towards Stephen King.

An especially bad piece of advice that I’ve seen is to not write things that are not your lived experience. EX: if you are not a cis woman, don’t write a character that is. It defeats the entire purpose of writing and is ass backwards if you want any diversity within a work. Also... research is a thing that most authors do? And it teaches you to be more understanding of that lived experience???

There’s a lot I could say about it, but that sums up my biggest issues with it.

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13. what is the best writing advice?

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Again with Stephen King but... In a Q&A, he says something along the lines of not writing a character, by letting them write themselves. This comment was in reference to a question about Pet Sematary, I believe, which I would call the best and most alarming descent into madness I have ever read, so you bet your sweet cheeks that advice is always on my mind.

As for more general advice, creating/filling out a character sheet (x) is a really good way to figure out who your character is. I used them while writing Art & Pain and it made me realize a few holes I had to patch.

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15. do you tell friends/family about your writing, or do you keep it a secret?

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IRLs: they know I write. All but one or two of them do not know my handles nor that I write fanfiction.

I write original pieces which I don’t exactly hide, but no one knows those handles either.

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16. what are some of your favorite words to use in writing?

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enigma

superstitious

flabbergasted

superfluous

wonder

coursing

ecstatic

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24. best compliment someone has given you about your writing.

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One of the best ones I’ve ever gotten was on a fic under a separate handle, so I won’t share it lol. But it was about how I write emotion and that means a lot to me because emotion is very difficult for me to articulate.

It kind of blows my mind that people actually binge read my work, too... even if it’s just a longfic that would take maximum two hours to read, it’s really flattering that they like my writing that much. Repeat commenters/readers are also one of the best things ever and I love them.

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25. five years from now, where do you see yourself as a writer?

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God, I don’t know. I’ll hopefully be in college by then, so I have no idea what my life will look five years from now (other than the fact I will definitely be worked to the bone). I’d like to think I’ll keep doing it as a hobby, at least.

[marshmallowgoop]

Don't have such a self destructing attitude goop. I enjoy your essays and fanfics and even your art. Don't care too much about likes and followers. Do what you want to do. You have more than enough people that enjoy your stuff. How many more people do you need? Not everyone can get popular or make a living from writing. It's not only about skill, the market is also too oversaturated for that. Thanks to the internet you have an easier time publishing your stuff, but it's harder to get noticed.

So, my uncle has this story about a girl named Heather.

Heather was the Hottest Shit. You know that Calvin Harris/Rihanna song that’s all, “Lightning strikes every time she moves/And everybody’s watching her”? Well, that was 100% Heather. She was gorgeous and amazing and everyone was all over her.

But when my uncle talked to her? All she could say was that she didn’t have enough love.

Now, I don’t know if this story is actually true or not. My uncle is kind of a character. But I’ve thought about Heather a lot. Every time I feel unloved and unappreciated, I wonder if I’ll ever be satisfied. I get mad at myself for being unhappy. 

“You ungrateful bitch,” I think. “Do you know how many people would be thrilled to have what you have?”

Here’s the thing, though. Telling yourself that you’ve got it so good and should be happy… doesn’t actually make you happy. It just makes you even more miserable that you’re not.

And I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with wanting your art to reach more people. Sure, I create art for me, but I don’t want it to just be for me. I want to share it. And when I’ve felt that writing is practically the only thing I’m good at for my entire life, and when I’ve written well over a million words and drafted more than a dozen novels, and even earned a college degree in the craft… well. Let’s just say that it really, really stings when I spend ages working on fanfiction—which is bound to garner more attention than any original work I’d post online because I’m dealing with already established characters—and I only get a handful of “likes” for my effort. It feels absolutely, totally horrible to spend hours researching for a fic, and even more outlining and drafting and writing and rewriting it line by line… only to receive 13 notes and not a single reblog. It hurts so bad to have thought so hard about a story to have literally written an entire essay about it, and yet… the piece itself just isn’t of interest to a good chunk of the fandom or even my followers.

And there are so many more examples than the one I linked here.

You write that “Not everyone can get popular or make a living from writing.” Of course I know that. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like freaking hell to get your dreams crushed. To realize that, no matter all your dedication and hard work, you’re not actually all that good at this thing that you’ve wanted to do your whole life. To share a story with a community for the first time and tell yourself, just as you did when you had that days-long field trip in middle school, that people will really like you after this, but they… don’t. Not really. Just as your field trip group forgets about you in a store, you get 15 notes for your story.

Anyway. Like I said in my last post, I’ve talked about this stuff a lot. A whole lot. I don’t want to rehash too much, especially because I know this isn’t “fun” content, and it’s clearly been obnoxious.

But I will say this: I’ve hated myself for being upset at how my work does. I’ve berated myself for my vents and called myself childish and immature. All creators go through this stuff. There are folks out there who get so much less than me for so much more work, and they don’t go around throwing fits. I’ve told myself to suck it up and stop being a selfish, bitchy, ungrateful piece of shit.

And yet, I’ve also always felt, “Why shouldn’t I express how I feel?”

In my summary of 2018, I wrote, “I’m not okay. And running away from that fact and trying to hide it won’t help me or anyone else.” And I believe that a lot.

Because all those people you might see as popular and perfect and great? They’ve got their problems, too. They’ve got doubts and insecurities. You might look at someone like Heather and be envious that she’s so adored and angry that she still wants more, but the truth is, she’s not happy with herself. And that’s sad.

Of course, I do think it’s important to be grateful to those who support and love us. I never want to make it sound like I’m not thankful for the few who do encourage me. I am. I am so much! All the nice things people have said or done or made for me absolutely warms my heart. There are so many creators out there, so I definitely recognize that the fact I get noticed at all is… well, amazing.

But just like Heather, I’m not happy with myself. And… that’s probably just something that all artists feel at one point or another. And I don’t want to hide that. I don’t want to act like everything’s hunky-dory if it’s not. I love that people enjoy my essays, but I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt that my creative fiction—which is actually something I’ve worked harder at—doesn’t do as well and isn’t as good. It does hurt. It’s only slightly an exaggeration to say that I burst into tears every time I think about it.

I want to be better. And ignoring my feelings won’t help me get there.

That said, neither will moping.

So, I think I’ve had enough of these types of posts for a while! I want to actually work on my passion projects again.

[luninosity]

Hi Luni, I just wanted to say that I love your kitten!Sebastian series!! I feel like the criticism of it being out of character (I don't agree) can't really be applied here because it's not something that would ever happen our world, so how can we know how someone would react, and also, you've said that when you write RPF, it's based on the actor's public personas/images, because we can't really know them. (I'm the person who commented lots on each chapter of AC recently)

Yeah, without getting into a Big Discussion™, I feel like OOC critique is a really odd one for a fic that is both RPF and AU, for exactly those reasons - like, I’ve never claimed that this is the ‘true them’, and they’re facing entirely new SF-future challenges anyway, so they’ve been shaped by that in different ways?

I mean, in general, yes, you want characters to have recognizable core traits that make them ‘Chris’ or ‘Seb’ or ‘Steve’ or ‘Bucky’ as opposed to a random Tom or Jerry, because we’re here for stories about the characters we already love. Obviously that’s the case. But our individual head-canons for those characters will always differ, especially in AU settings - maybe I think Chris would react this way, maybe you think he’d react this other way, and hey, guess what, those are both perfectly fine interpretations! (Assuming there’s at least some extrapolation from what we know about the character and his established values - for instance, I don’t think you could write a believable Chris Evans who  - without any explanation of altered circumstances in order to justify it in-text; if that groundwork’s done, that’s okay too, if someone wanted to explore that story - didn’t love his family.)

I think the part that is making me disillusioned with fandom in general (I was saying this to a couple people after the comments popped up) is this weird cultural shift from ‘this thing wasn’t the kind of thing I like so I’m just gonna go find something that’s more my thing instead’ to ‘this thing wasn’t the kind of thing I like so therefore it is BAD and I must TELL THE CREATOR THAT IT IS BAD AND THEY ARE BAD AND THEY SHOULD NOT CREATE ANY MORE’. Like, what?!

Fan creators do their work for free, out of love and affection (or sometimes burning frustration + affection regarding source texts), and fanworks are not measures of a person’s being ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ and you (meaning random anons etc, like mine) do not have any authority to police ‘good’ or ‘bad’ content or whether someone should be allowed to create more works. We can (and should) talk about structural hierarchies and inequalities in fandom culture, don’t get me wrong, but one of the fundamental tenets of fan culture as I understand it (or as it used to be) is that we welcome people who love what we love and who want to create things to share with other lovers.

And maybe we learn and get better as creators; maybe a first fic or art IS out of character, or maybe even a later one is, because the creator’s trying something new. So what? The creator still tried something new and was brave enough and generous enough to share it for free. (Fan works are not pro works, so the only compensation for our labor is emotional compensation, which is why this matters so much more in fandom spaces, and there’s a whole other essay here about how fan culture functions, because of this, necessarily differently from the whole ‘you put it on the internet, deal with it’ argument that sometimes gets made; but moving on for now….)

Ahem. I sort of got into a Big Discussion anyway. My point is, I’ve been talking to a couple people ( @viperbranium, @hitlikehammers )about gradually moving away from writing fic (not any time soon! I have a LOT of WIPs to finish! I still love all my OTPs!), because this culture is starting to…not feel like the fan culture I fell in love with, way back when, where people were welcomed (and I remember the first time I shyly wrote a comment!fic for a serious BNF in Supernatural fandom because she’d made an LJ post wanting a coda to an episode, and I tried, and it probably wasn’t very good because it was my first fic - but you know what? she REPLIED AND POINTED OUT BITS SHE LOVED AND GOT ALL EXCITED OVER MY LITTLE NERVOUS NEWBIE EFFORT, AND OH MY GOD I FELT LIKE I COULD MAYBE BELONG) - and where if you didn’t like a thing (and let’s be clear that I’m talking about likes/dislikes, not something like deliberate malicious misrepresentation) you’d just shrug and move on, where you’d never dream of telling someone to stop creating because you personally felt that one fic of theirs was OOC.

And, to be clear, it’s not about feeling personally hurt if someone simply doesn’t like my fic. Sure. There are many fics I don’t like, sometimes for no other reason than the writing style rubs me the wrong way. You know what I do? I close the tab and move on. And I’m starting to wonder whether (especially given my tiring circumstances at the moment, with Evil Demon Cat likely not going to make it to 2018, and daily vet visits, and so on) I have the emotional energy to devote to something that’s another source of stress: even if I just laugh and delete obnoxious messages, I still have to read them. I still have to see them. I don’t want to write and post a fic wondering how many nasty ‘you should stop writing this pairing forever and go write OC’s since you obviously want to anyway’ (yes, that’s a quote from one of my anons) notes are about to appear this time. (Maybe I will just go write original fic, anon. I have sold some already. Thanks.)

Anyway, that became more of a…thing…than I meant it to. Um, thanks for letting me vent? *laughs* I still have a lot of fic to finish writing, so I’m not going anywhere any time soon. Those are just thoughts. Swirling cranky thundercloud-colored thoughts, probably also colored by my own tiredness. (I am so very tired. We’ve been keeping Kitty locked in the bedroom at night because he’s started trying to hide in the weirdest places and we don’t have the time to hunt him down and then medicate him in the mornings, but he HATES being locked up and screams all night. And daily vet visits. And also it is finals week so I am GRADING ALL THE THINGS and I have an Obnoxious Entitled Male Student this semester who tried to argue his paper grade “because all English grades are subjective and opinion-based anyway right?” OH WOW I GUESS ALL THOSE YEARS OF BECOMING AN EXPERT IN MY FIELD AND DOING TEACHER TRAINING AND GRADE STANDARDIZATION AND NORMING SHOULD BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF, YES, ABSOLUTELY, BY WHICH I MEAN NO YOU ARE WRONG).

Like I said: tired.

I’m going to go and have lunch now.

Oh! But also I didn’t say thank you for YOU being awesome, and all the lovely support in your message, because that’s awfully nice to hear! YOU ARE AWESOME AND I ADORE YOU AND YOU HAVE MADE ME SMILE AND I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH BETTER YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY.