#anyway ya idk i just like dont know if this is something that ppl like have experienced ig lol

[dorkicon]

bitching abt my job again

tags contain frank mentions of transphobia and homophobia

[brookheimer]

It makes sense for them to include the pregnancy plot line but it doesn’t make it good or revolutionary and I think that’s such a shallow take on the situation. Her entire storyline has been the whole “if only she was a man” thing, where her main plot lines have been hating other woman, fighting with her husband, and now being pregnant. If the only thing we end up knowing about Shiv’s desires and life revolve around her child, that’s not revolutionary at all. Kendall has kids, but he is also a fully fleshed out character that can exist outside of that. Acting like “strong girlboss lead who has never accomplished anything in the show and is reminded of how her womanhood limits everything she does has to reconcile the way her body and ability to become pregnant can also be weaponized against her” is actually a fucked up storyline. It doesn’t make it bad, the entire show is a fucked up storyline, but it’s not some beautiful win for feminism

wooooah okay i was not at all saying her entire desires and life would revolve around her kid but rather that being pregnant forces her to self-reflect on the fact that she is not, in fact, a man, which would likely have important implications for her relationships with both the men and the women in her life, help us understand her interiority better (which right now we don't because she's always been very very dedicated to convincing herself she's something she isn't -- it would help HER understand her interiority better too), and overall just be kind of the catalyst for introspection in a way shiv hasn't been, like, provoked to do before. also i'm not saying it's inherently good or revolutionary just because they included a pregnancy plot! i'm saying that it has the POTENTIAL TO BE, which it does.

as always under the mf cut

'“strong girlboss lead who has never accomplished anything in the show and is reminded of how her womanhood limits everything she does has to reconcile the way her body and ability to become pregnant can also be weaponized against her” is actually a fucked up storyline' .....i don't understand. for one thing, i did not say jackshit about her pregnancy being weaponized against her. that is not at all what i was saying she had to reconcile with. i was saying she had to reconcile with the fact that she simply will not be seen as a man, and that maybe that's okay, and maybe she can still be a ~girlboss~ while still yknow being a girl. why are yall acting like pregnancy is this inherently agency-robbing thing that only exists to ruin the characterizations of strong women? you do know that it exists in real life, right? like, is this what you think about women who are pregnant in real life? because, like, everything you just described is just... i mean, that's not unique to this plot point. that's just part and parcel of being born with a womb. that's just fucking LIFE. that's just how shit IS sometimes. like YES you can be a strong girlboss and still not accomplish anything because a) you're a woman surrounded by men b) you're desperately attempting to act like a man and in reality are only performing a parody of 'masculinity' that's more harmful to you than it is helpful, but you feel it's the only way to survive, YES your womanhood limits everything you does (so long as 'everything' means 'success in your male-dominated career aspirations among your misogynistic family'), YES your body and ability to become pregnant can be weaponized. that's not inherently a fucked up sexist plotline? that's just how life is for a lot of women???? so why the fuck is it bad to show a woman struggling to reconcile with that FACT because it is a fucking FACT?! it is a FACT that women are judged for being pregnant!!! it is not a fucked up plotline to acknowledge that!!!!! what WOULD BE fucked up is centering her entire character around becoming a mother or something, which i just really fucking doubt they'll do. instead, i think it'll be used as a way to explore parts of shiv we haven't seen.

also, saying shiv's main plot lines have been "hating other women, fighting with her husband, and now being pregnant" .... like. i don't know man. did you kind of forget the part where she was a political consultant or fighting to become ceo of a major conglomerate or something? i would maybe argue that... well, that fighting to become ceo of waystar is her main plot line. not... hating other women? really, the only thing we know about shiv's life and desires is that she wants to be fucking ceo of waystar so she can get logan's approval. that is it. that is why i would like to know more about her PERSONAL life. about her PERSONAL wants and needs and desires -- maybe it's to have kids, maybe it's to never fucking have kids whatsoever and jetset around the world. i don't care!!! i just want to learn more about whatever is underneath her veneer of 'masculinity,' whatever is outside of her relationships with men. aaaaaaaaaaand i think having to deal with something as personal and body-focused and life-changing as a pregnancy will force her to ask questions about herself she's always been too afraid to ask, and i'm interested to see what the answers are!!!

it's not revolutionary to have a pregnancy plotline. fucking obviously. what WOULD be revolutionary is allowing a character who has defined herself by, as you said, wishing she was a man -- allowing her to still be her same ole manipulative masculine whatever self while still allowing her to consider a life involving a family or love. just consider!!!! because i don't think she even has. her focus is ONLY on career, on success, on being respected. like, actually, the only aspects of her 'desires' etc that we DONT know are those related to love and family. we know what she wants career wise! why are you acting like she hasn't been incredibly career-focused this entire time? i just want to know what shiv roy wants on a human level!!! because i don't think anyone is JUST SATISFIED with career!!!!! not saying you need kids, god no idek if i'll have kids fr, but that there is more to life outside of that. so i want to know what she wants from life, because frankly, i don't think she's had the time or energy to even focus on that with how desperately she's had to fight to stay in the room. but now she has to actually start considering herself as an individual with a life outside waystar -- something she really hasn't done since she worked for gil in season one. ever since, her life has been waystar waystar waystar. but pregnancy.... well. that's something that's her own, especailly given that no one else knows about it right now. so i want to know more about shiv. that's all. and that's what i think this arc can tell us, and that's why i'm excited for it.

[kuiinncedes]

:P

[satoruhour]

on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being not that bad and 10 being the nastiest fucking experience imaginable) how bad was sucking toji’s cock? spare no details this is important information

CRYIFNFHNGN WHAT IS THISSSS JELLYYYY 😭😭😭😭 STOP SHAMING ME ON DMs nsfw talk under cut it’s p weird i dont blame you if you dont read it 😭😭😭

if we keep to ur oc ver of him being like good with hygiene and keeping his pubes clean then i would say 3 because i just know he forgets to shower some nights and he sweats SO easily that it’s a little gross and there’s this like musky scent of sweat. he’s almost clean shaven and his pubes are like curly and stuff and sometimes you get hair in your mouth LMFAOOO. but usually he sets aside only like a day to trim it and the rest of the week is left for it to grow. so if you catch him on day 7, good luck. oh and also i think it’s just your immune system phenomenon of being attracted to someone’s odor. IDK OKAY .... i have not been with someone so i wouldn’t know if sucking cock while they’re sweaty is GOOD OR NOT .

and if we just go by canon then maybe 9.............. like yeah he’s probably gross and uses only bar soaps at common showers at swimming pools or something bc technically he’s homeless but it’s still . toji ya know 🧍‍♀️ only thing is that i will NOT be holding his thighs bc it would be like slick with sweat and like euuugghh so you usually likes it when he has his hands and your head and you can hold onto his forearms. his cum is like salty and ew too cause all he eats is ramen and fast food; anyway if i was shiu kong i would suggest he make a business out of getting ppl to suck him off cause lord that would get him money so fast he wouldn’t have to resort to betting on races. and i would be his first customer 🙏🏼

say hi 💀💀💀

[ideas-and-shit]

anyway, here's an idea: peaky blinders oneshot (or hc, whatever ya want) where y/n is just an innocent civilian who lives in small heath, currently studying in college, wanting to graduate school and stuff and they are friends w finn. they're close but like not too close, close enough to be fond of each other but not close enough to know what they think of each other.

y/n doesnt have to worry about what finn thinks of them, really; since y/n knows finn as a friendly person and if he likes them, he likes them and if otherwise he would just say it. now, finn has a crush on y/n, and he is secretly always getting anxious about his thoughts of "what if y/n actually thinks im an asshole", "what if they secretly look down on me when i talk to them" (bc of his education and all), "what if y/n doesnt even think im good enough for them". y/n constantly talks about their opinions on people, who they like, who they dont (assholes, mean ppl, shit like that) and finn starts to think that they might talking about him and might be saying this to him to hint at them hating him when really, they were just talking about themself and their thoughts like normal. finn, was starting to get insecure about his name (being a shelby) and reputation (again, being a shelby) and he worries that y/n might not like him bc of it so he sends a mutual friend of theirs to ask y/n "would you date a shelby?"

thats all i got, folks. idk maybe one of finns brothers overhears this and suspects that finn was the one who did this and stuff and maybe they confront him thinking y/n said something mean to him??? idk this is not part of the idea but you can most definitely include it if you want

edit: what if instead of his friends, he asks his brothers to ask y/n and they think that they're being threatened so they say no.

[yestrday]

YESTER. I kind of went on a binge reading spree of ur genshin stuff oops .. but omg I never realized how good your characterizations are until reading all of your aus side by side??? LIKE, I already thought ur characterizations of the characters was good, but OMG reading ur aus just made me srsly appreciate them. I DONT GET HOW U DO IT??? u manage to keep small tidbits of canon lore or eastereggs in these aus, while keeping them kinda separate and distant from canon teyvat, but u also manage to capture and keep the characters canon personalities consistent while adding your own little yandere twists. WHICH IS SOMETHING I THINK IS INSANELY IMPRESSIVE, from my personal experience of writing yandere, I kind of get swept up in making them a yandere to realize it's too ooc for them until it's too late, but i have never felt that you have wrote any of the charas too ooc even once. WHICH, LIKE, HOW????? how do u manage to add these delicious subtle yandere tendencies to some characters and then the more obvious yandere tendencies to other characters while all making it fit with the character as a whole?? like I'm over here nodding my head like "yes, that makes total sense considering his personality 🧐🥸" sorry if this doesn't rly make sense BUT ITS JUST SO COOL. and I also really like how u keep your yandere headcanons for characters consistent / staying in character across aus while keeping them specifically catered to that au?? :P I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT 😭 but the way u keep some of their yandere tendencies (like venti and his perversion LMAOO) consistent no matter if it's the academy au, househusband au, or hybrid au is really cool, and it's not overdone to the point that it's like I know what to expect?? (does that make sense pls jelp) like ya venti has his perverted habits regardless of which au, but at the same time, u add something to each au that makes it slightly different and therefore unique so it's not repetitive and overused (???) IDK I JUST REALLY LIKE THE WAY U WRITE THESE LITTLE GENSHIN LOSERS LMFAOO

HELP SORRY THIS GOT SO LONG I just meant to make a cool little comment about ur writing but it kind of turned into rambling 😭💀💀

also happy pride month to u or ur followers if any of them r gay WOOHOO GAY PPL 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈👍

omg babe this long ass essay's got me in love come here and let me give u a big smooch <3

ANYWAYS IM HAPPY SOMEONE APPRECIATES THIS... everytime i start working on my aus, i open the boy's genshin wiki and start reading the fuck out of the lore just so that i can have a good read on their personality... there's also some litle trivias there that if you expand on can make for some pretty good yandere

anyways anon you're so hot for this essay and HAPPY PRIDE MONTH TO THE ALPHABET COMMUNITY 🏳‍🌈🏳‍🌈

[gayspock]

ok yj

literally everyone peacing the fuck out like i cant doooo this shittttttt, coach ben like "um... byeeee" (walks away) and misty having a panic attack bc she lowkey killed someone 2 secs ago, and then the others starting to do rituals in the corner whilst shaunas giving birth......... AND THEN the flashforwards with shauna being . kind of a terrible person... 😭 like i cant even blame her sometimes shauna you have protect #1 here come on woman

LIKE WHAT SHE SAID TO CALLIE CHRIST ALIVE and callie just sorta looking at her like um. as she realises yeah moms kinda cazzzyyyyyyyN BUT LITERALLY . IF I WAS SHAUNA I'D BE MORE THAN FUCKING CRAZY . EVERYTHING SHE WENT THROUGH. FUCKING HELL.

ok im still watching and im about to vom about coach ben just literally playing music in his head and having fantasies about playing party games with his boyfriend hes literally so dead whilst shauna fucking gives birth

UM.......

I THINK IM GOING TO HAVE A MELT DOWN WATCHING THIS

OH GOD THE NOISES OHJHHH MY GODDDD AHHHHHHHRHGHGHGHGHGHGHHG NNONOOOOO IM WATCHING IT ALL GUSH AND MUSH OUT FUCKINGGGG HELLLLLLLLLLLL JESUS CHRISTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

im also so crazy for lottie as well right now god shes so..........

can i also say. van is fucking living the life im so crazy for her little piece of the world i know what tai is saying its all a fantasy but her fucking shop i feel like my eyes are watering can you even imagine bro.......

okay wait sorry i got distracted

but fucking hell okay what i was gonna say about lottie idk okay fucking hell i hope they never confirm whether there is anything supernatural or NOT supernatural in this show i know thats a contentious topic with this right now with ppl saying either or but literally i dont think it MATTERSSS .... its about faith.......... isnt it...

oh god- OH GOD THE SECODS AFTER WHEN EVERYONE WAS LIKE "i knew you could do it" i had a gutwrenching meltdown like fuck the parallels between that and jackie when she was passing over. the everyone surrounding her with happy faces. i thought there was going to be a fucking HORRIFIC MOMENT where that baby was so dead but also now god what the fuck bc that baby is SO HERE so now uhm. where is it. yeah.

maybe they dont eat the baby but even if it dies or if they leave it in the wilderness my god thats so fucked up but ALSO ALSO ugh my #1 WORST. FEAR. ARE The ocuntless conspiracy theorists saying that it's, like, lisa or something because i hate that on so many levels .... i dont want the baby to be anyone weve seen in the future rn bc i just. uhhhhg. i hate stupid twists like that im sorry.

anyway god back to that thing i was saying... of faith... like fuck man the ambiguity the not knowing if its real, if its not real... of whether there IS something out there. thats what makes it so powerful and what has such fucking grip on these girls because ultimately its their faith and what they put into it thats really got the chokehold ... it doesnt matterrrr if theres something supernatural or not .... imo .... and i dont think thts wishy washy - i know it COULD be, if the writing doesnt bring it back but....

like ugh idk i hatebeing a snotty guy but its so annoying when ppl are all about THE ANSWERRSS THE DEFINITE ANSWERSSSS sorry i have to listen to my coworker try to talk about this show and im like just kinda wracking my brain like who cares what the absolutes are can we enjoy the journey of these girls and their characters puh leaseeeee sniff sniff

im also so fucking crazy for jeff. i am SORRY.

"HI VAN?" (HANGS UP) YA COULDNT MAKE IT UP!

also oh god im watching shauna with this baby and my heart is breaking watchin her try to fucking handle it i cant imagineeeee and again the juxtaposition of that and her in the fucking future with callie in the police station jesus fucking CHRIST man "YOUR KID DOESNT LIKE YOU TOO MUCH DOES SHE" HELLOOOOOO

"YOU REALLY DID A NUMBER ON HER" oh my godddd

something something mothers always being these nurturing figures in fiction of being the faceless somethings in the background. osmething something shauna being fucking insane by comparison get me OUT OF HOW I ENDED UP HERE something something trapped in the wilderness being a mother cant get out something something trapped in the marriage cant get out . hey shauna are you okay

i never even wanted to be a mom i neverrrrrrrr wanted this I DID NOT START OUT A BAD PERSONNNNNNNNNNNN. SHAUNA GIRLIE leave my kid out of it leave my kid out of it COME ON MAN

kevyn with a y is a grade Y yucky loser

callie is kind of eating here btw. "that groomer cop. hes nasty." THEY KNOW THEY WERE FUCKING FREAKS

also oh my god shaunas little meltdowns cut to lottie f- hi fucking hello. HI FUCKING HELLO. LOTTIE. LOTTIE GIRL.

IS EVERYONE FUCKING NORMAL RIGHT NOW

HE NEEDS TO FEED ...

YO COACH BEN YOU NEED TO START RUNNING MAN WE NEED TO GIVE YOU A HEADSTART

CUT TO JEFF IN THE FUCKING CAR. VOM.

also my god lottie being the centre of it all like i did have my . sigh i dont know i wish lottie was MORE present in the first season in a sense like i wish there was more of her . but her being the centre and the one theyre both all "against" but also like they all have such a deep connection with her and

NATALIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE FISH

NATALIE THE FISH DIDNT FUCKING DO SHIT

COME ON NATALIE MAN

BROOOOOOOOOO

EXACTLY NATALIE HELL

natalie being so survivor and the one whos a hunter but being the one who cant fucking kill a fish and is always the oje barely surviving i love natalie

"ITS YOU AND ME KID AGAINST THE WHOLE WORLD" SHAUNA ARE YOU FUCKING ALRIGHT IN ANY CAPACITY .

oh my god that made me so- so- so-

wait

th baby isnt

oh

okay

um

...

dot dot dot

umm

okay i thik im going to puke im going to cry ........

NO . NO THATS SICK WHAT I WAS SAYING WITH THE PARALLELS BEFORE AND JACKIE AND THEN HER VISIO OF THEM ALL EATING AND TH... THIS IS FUCKING HORRIBLE SO MUCH MORE HORRIBLE EVERYTHING

IHATE MY LIFE

[shurinnenation4ever]

Heh… Hey

So…. Yesterday was the fourth of July? Well, despite being japanese.. I STILL CELEBRATED WITH A FEW DRANKSSSSSS!!!!!!!

So…. Late post… heh,

Ya see, The pic from LAST YEARS Fourth of July extravaganza popped up in my memories, AND IT MADE ME REMEMBER THE HOLIDAY EXISTED!!!!!!!!

Sighs…….. How I wish I could go back in time ……. In america, having american beers that would put japanese people into a coma.. with my three lovely uncles…….

LMAOOOO JUST KIDDING, IDK THESE GUYS!!!!! I guess they were biiig fans or something, cause these two gay guys [who kinda reminded me of me and my shmoopy] showed up and asked us if we knew how to grill!!! They said they would adopt whoever could!!! And, well, I wasn’t looking to be adopted, BUT I DID KNOW HOW TO GRILL!!!!! So.. I guess I do have two American dads now… except… well, neither of them are the president, but I guess I would be a good steve fill in… heh… maybe we can get a crazy:b cover…. Crazy:b12…. How about them apples?

ANYWAYS. ACK TO THE STORY!!!!!!!

You may be asking, “ermm… sex magnet rinne🤓 Why were you and your poopty booty in Americain the first place🤓🤓🤓🤓” and FISTE OF ALL!!!!!!!! Dont call My shubaby any petnames, it gets me supes jelly and you dont wanna see the beast come inside me. OKAY BUT!!! Me and babyababybabybabybabybabyabbaby were in america cause….. WE WERE COLLABING WITH MARKIPLIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But…. I WANTED TO GO TO AN AMERICAN GAS STATION THAT WOULD SEND JAPANESE PPL INTO A COMA!!!!!!!! Shoopy came with me after a LOTTT of begging, he kept repeating something like “Yuck! Pa-tooey! Americans are dirty and disgusting, and their gas stations are nothing like in japan. Ill be set into a coma!!!!” Buttt……… he still went anyways! Probably cause our love is better that any coma induced gas station!!! LMAOOOO

Sighs… but sadly, America has NO FUCKING SUBTITLES!!????? So we got lost super easily…

And then these two guys picked us up!!!! After about an hour of grillin their dogs and crankin our hogs [heh.. and NOT the motorcycle kind..] Markiplier asked were we were!!!!!! WE HAD A SUPER COOL 5 SCARRY HORROR GAMES VIDEO TO SHOOT EITH HIM!!!!! My pookie wookie came in with the CLUTCH and sent him a pic of where we were.. and BOOM!!!!! MARKIEMOO WAS ABLE TO DOXX US AND SAVE US!!!!! I thought we were gonna get a stern talking to, like whenever I run off from my idol shit, but NO!!!!! MARK CAME WITH SOME ZAZAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND WE PARTIED AND CELEBRATED SOME KINDA AMERICAN…. THING!!!!!!! Whats even the fourth about? Like… the day america popped up from the sea? Idfk, and I guess we’ll NEVER KNOW!!!!!!!!

HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY TO EVERY AMERICAN!!!!!! AND A SPECIAL THANKS TO MY TWO ADOPTIVE DADS, AS WELL AS MARKIPLIER!!!!! IM SURE YOU’LL BE POSTING THAT COLLAB SOON!!!! Even though its been about a year….. and he blocked me whenever I asked about it……. BUT WHATEVES!!!!!! KYAHAHAHAHAHAAA~!!!!!!!!!!!

- 🎲 MOD RINNAYYYYY

[shameboree]

hey kels i was scrolling through my dash and then i caught a glimpse of your new fallon drawing and i want you to know that i went absolutely buckwild and then i scrolled further to see the whole drawing and i'm pretty sure i squealed. kels ever since ive started following you and your art and fallon have slowly nestled yourself inside my brain its amazing how excited i get whenever u upload a new drawing. also ive noticed that i'm slowly but surely starting to sound more and more unhinged and wild like you. how the fuck do you have so much influence on me. 

ALSO i love the new fallon drawing!! you are so right blue gold and white are just her colours they fit her v well!! and i love how much texture you used throughout the whole drawing and her shoes are AWESOME!! also love the whole winter fairy-ish vibe <3

ALSO i was wondering if you could like sort of,, idk explain your drawing process on this drawing? like if you did the colouring first or the lineart and stuff bc i just love how it turned out and id love to try something similar!!

AW!!! i am so hype for my awful girl to be Enjoyed so much!! she is my favorite dressup doll i love to play barbies with her most of all heheh. also i am THRILLED that my Unhinged and Unwell nature have rubbed off on u. i know i am a Strong personality and it makes me V POLARIZING (i am either LOVED or LOATHED i havent met many ppl who are just like meh abt me. i am an Experience) and its always a DELIGHT when someone finds my feral animal traits endearing or positive and kind of picks up on them. i think because life is short that we should all be as bananas as we please at any point in time. PURE ID HERE BABY

AND TY TY!! my girl has a strong aesthetic and this piece kind of went a liiiiittle against some of that (its a lot of hard angles vs i normally give her a lot of ovals and rounded edges) but for the setting its appropriate bc im trying to give her a bit more of a """"harsh"""" or """"severe"""" vibe (like as harsh and severe as she can possibly look which isnt very). i LOVE to use texture brushes they are such an easy way to get out of drawing details myself because i am SO lazy!!

okay i “”answered”” this i GUESS technically because i typed words in response but its a whole lot of jack shit so like. here ya go. SORRY PAL. 

here are some more shoes as u can see i basically draw her in the same ones always except when i draw her in a plugsuit

OKAY THE DRAW IN QUESTION i kind of cheated on bc i literally just traced over one of my older draws i did for a very obscure au i made of who made me a princess (i am always doing such ridiculously niche shit i love to sit in my little sandbox and have no one else understand my barbie rps) BUT the process is the same as basically every draw i do like this. it is very simple so dont worry (or do, maybe)

i use 1-3 layers at a time and then immediately merge when i feel like im done and LIVE W MY MISTAKES if not!! anyway prepare to be massively underwhelmed heh

this is so funny i cant believe i literally traced my own drawing im a fuckin FRAUD im the laziest bitch i know. anyway. my sketches are way messier than this but it always starts out either scratch ass lines or color blocking w this bright ass magenta bc thats what feels right!!!!!!

HERES THE LAYERS I USED LOL i do all textures n shit as a clipping mask so actually i used 4 layers for this bc id set down one texture or pattern that was gonna overlap on a diff layer so i wouldnt have to work harder to erase and then BLINDLY MERGED to make things more difficult if actually i fucked up before that!!! work smarter not harder except when it is absolutely braindead to do otherwise is my motto

IF IM DOIN SMTH NICER like this then i usually make sure all my lines connect (this is also why i do a lot of angles and simple clear shapes when i draw) so i can set that layer as reference and USE THE FUCKING FILL TOOL BAYBEEEEE!!!!! this also makes it easier to fuck around with COLOR imho bc you can just rapidly swatch with zero efforts. i Love to take shortcuts. i Love to be lazy. i HIGHLY rec this, if i have colored smth that stays in the lines then its bc i connected the lineart and used the bucket fill underneath. if my lines dont connect sometimes ill make a temp line and erase after i filled. im dedicated. ALSO u can see here that my patterns layer is all overlapping and fucked up bc i didnt check and erase fully but i use p limited palettes in general so... IT DIDNT MATTER THIS TIME!!!!!!!!. 

anyway after all that i lock the lineart layer if i havent already and color some of the lines for some PIZAZZ. easy way to immediately fake effort i do love to do that

HERES AN ACTUALLY MESSY SKETCH:

 i do all of my fucking draws on the same canvas bc im a horrible little beast, so the only reason i didnt erase the sketch and use it for the colors layer was bc there were others on that layer already and i didnt wanna scoot them so i could cap the finished draw. i did NOT connect my lines for this one i colored like a toddler. who gives a shit we all die in the end anyway!!! 

YOU DIDNT ASK FOR THIS BUT LINELESS MY LOVE... i just color blocked for this one alas i do not have process caps, i will do that next time i draw i guess if anyone wants that!!? i typically only use a single layer for lineless- block out the shape, alpha lock, then color and carve from there. EASY PEASY!! ive shown it before but i spent all my formative draw years on v limited feature programs (mspaint, oekaki, TEGAKI MOST OF ALL) so i dont explore tools much and do what seems easiest and most intuitive to me... im sorry i dont have any sick tricks or real process i am but a feral little clown drawing in the DIRT. also here is the tegaki overlay i use whenever i am Blocked or fatigued w procreate layout. it makes me feel NOSTALGIC and INSPIRED so i do this instead of like, actually getting on tegs2

this ended up long as fuck and FOR WHAT?? its just 10 images and several paragraphs of “sorry im the laziest fucker ALIVE”

[ryugujitr]

Goodmorning or afternoon, evening or g'night.

In this week's bulletin of "What the actual FUCK", we will discuss;

FUCK MORNINGS

'Photoshop? Nope, but I'mma teach u anyway'

Laughing at drama queens is 🤡bad🤡

Feminism vs Opinions

I ain't yo ma'

FYCK MORNING CLASSES- COMMUTING ISNT AS PAINFUL AS WAKING UP 3 HOURS B4 CLASS AND REALISING HOW ILL BE WASTING TIME IN CLASS BC THE WOMAN DOesn'T KNOW SHIT SINCE SHE SPECIALISES IN PRINT. But you know what- you can't say anything bc respect your lecturers and also set THE STACKS OF MONEY U HAVE TO PAY FOR TUITION FEE ON FIRE.

This OWMAN. OH MY GOD THIS WOMAN. SHE IS PISSY AND DEFENSIVE FOR THE SLIGHTEST OF THINGS. GIRL- YA DONT KNOW HOW TO USE PHOTOSHOP OR ANY OTHER ADOBE SOFTWARE-

🤡QUIT.THE.COURSE 🤡

But noooooOoOOo WE MEET HER 6 TIMES A WEEK AND EVERY CLASS IS FUCKING CHAOS- BRUH. And These little devils think distracting her is fun- like EXCUSE ME HAHAHAHAHAHAH- THE FUCK WILL U WRITE IN YOUR EXAMS@??????????????? SOME OF US ACTUALLY WANT THIS DEGREE SO WE CAN WORK , NOT RELY ON A MAN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

OH OH AND THEN- while the chaos is at full blast this girl is just; 'LeT heR sPeaK atleast LISTEN TO MISS FIRST'

And

This hoe- had been distracting and barfing out useless comments since the class started- says 'So *snifFs* we CanT evEn aSk questioNs *forces a fake sob* 🤡🥲

SO WHY WOULD U NOT LAUGH? AND I WAS JUST: PFFT and

the lecturer is just: WHY ARE U LAUGHING AT HER

Like bruh...she is lying. I am laughing at her AUDACITY OF DERAILING THE CLASS AND PRETENDING TO ACT LIKE SHE CARES AND YOUR STUPIDITY. But kay I guess ....

So TURNS OUT IN THIS CENTURY AND DAY-

Someone comes up to me and asks "Are you a feminist?"

And your boi was literally looking for her STUDENT ID SHE LOST AGAIN, n i was like "Why."

"because you're so confident and strong headed- im glad to see young women who are opinionated enough to take a stand even if they are in the wrong."

Mind you, if my hand wasn't in my bag it would've been down that bitch's throat. AND she is younger than me too and HAD NEVER CONVERSED WITH ME BEFORE, EVER. EVEN IF IM WRONG? THE DEBATE WASNT EVEN A DEBATE I WAS ASKED ABOUT MY OPINION N I GAVE IT TO THE LECTURER WHO AGREED EITH ME AND IT HIT ME-

To this day, a WOMAN'S OPINION- only shows she's a FEMINIST- bc an opinion is something ONLY A MAN CAN HOLD. Since, you know...FEMALES aren't humans .....

Finally, we planned on complaining about the lecturer's LACK OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT OUR DEGREE YET HER AUDACITY TO TEACH. SO- I was like, I ain't complaining cause ya'll gonna back out.

HIGHKEY- TRU BC THE COMPLAINT LINGERED ON FOR 2 WEEKS N MOST OF tHESE HOES DIPPED.

And yesterday, as I walked out of The cafeteria after discovering INFLATION IS A BITCH- this random girl comes to me and is just:

🤡- Hey bestie what happened for the complaint?

🫥: Idk

🤡- GoD yOu're so Usless you Have ONE JOB, AREN'T yOu lIke onE of ThoSe smaRt Kids?

🫥: smart I am, your mother, I am not.

If i could, i would've socked her in the face too, but their were too many witnesses.😏🧐

💗❣️So, that concludes our second week's therapy session.❣️💗

BUT PLEASE TELL ME, HOW YOU DOIN? HOW WAS UR WEEK? GOT ANY NEWS ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING - I'LL TAKE IT.❣️💗

(i had to put readmore so ppl wouldnt have to scroll endlessly)

MISS GURL - WHAT IN THE FRIENDS’ NAME IS YOUR circus COLLEGE DOIN?

6 TIMES A DAMN WEEK? I WOULDNT EVEN BE ABLE TO STAND TWO- LIKE AM I MISSIN SOME SHIT HERE OR???

nah cuz that stanky ass bitch asked u “WhY aRe YoU lAuGhIng” i wouldve sent a chair flying in her face bc girl nobody paid your dumbass to be here, it aint nobody’s fault but yours that you got stuck teachin shit you dont even know about like nobody did that for you but yourself

ALSO - WHOS THE HOE THAT SAID YOU’RE USELESS FOR NOT DOIN THE JOB SHE KEPT COMPLAININ ABOUT? also legitimately what the actual fuck was that person thinking when asking if you’re a feminist…….. why.

perhaps the kugelblitz or general apocalypse would have been a good idea here. some people just make this world a terrible place, as IF WE DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH ALREADY FOR FUCKS SAKE YKNOW??? TOTALLY NOT MHMMM

And thank you for stopping by and checking up bestie, i am also having a rather horrific start of my last year of this bullshit jungle circus school.

first of all; EVERYONE IS ATTACKING US FROM EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN DIRECTION ABOUT TESTS, STUDYING AND CHOOSING WHICH HIGH SCHOOL TO GO TO (as if last year wasnt fuckin plenty enough of stress), TEN TIMES WORSE BECAUSE ITS OUR LAST YEAR AND “we’re mature, we’re older, we should be smarter and wiser”………. RIGHT.

second of all - we miraculously have a new student in our shitty class (GIRLIE YOU COULDVE PICKED ANY OTHER FUCKIN CLASS, WHY THIS ONE FILLED WITH IDIOTS???) which is weird, not in a rude way but like…… transferring last year to another school seems more stressful than trying to find a needle in a haystack within one hour, considering 1. you dont know anyone or anything here now 2. you barely have friends and 3. the grading system is entirely diff and fucked way more than your past school so idk how this girl is going to make it but im gonna try look out for her from the shadows and help when i can.

third of all - WE DONT HAVE A SINGLE BREAK EXCEPT FOR WHEN YOU HAVE A RELIGION RELATED HOLIDAY (i have one in october - A SINGLE DAY) AND A SINGLE LITTLE SAD FUCKIN FRIDAY UNTIL THE 30TH OF DECEMBER. WHO MAKES IT OUT ALIVE UNTIL THEN IS A FUCKIN PSYCHOPATH BECAUSE I SURE AINT, WHO TF IS MENTALLY STABLE ENOUGH TO BE COMFORTABLE FOR THIS SHIT AINT NO FUCKIN WAY THATS ME

fourth of all, the teachers are twats- worse than ever before. they’re harassing us from every direction because its our last year, we have to behave, we have to study, keep in line - BUT LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, IM NOT DOING THAT. THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE DARES SPEAK TO ME IN A WAY I DONT LIKE IM SOCKING THEM IN THE FACE, DRAGGING THEM OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL BY THEIR WIG AND BANGING THEIR HEAD AGAINST THE RAILS UNTIL THEY GET A. CONCUSSION. IM NOT HAVING IT.

fifth of all - i was extremely close to getting into a fight and beating the shit out of a girl (lets call her B for Bitch) from my class. im gonna make one thing clear - i hate liars, despise them to the core. i hung out with B and a couple other two girls at lunch and she began literally speedwalking when one of those two girls told me that B asked her why im hanging out with them randomly. i immediately yelled at her dumbass to stop running from her problems and turn around cuz im not a kindergarten teacher, she stopped in her tracks and i told her if she was so bothered by me she should tell me instead of being a coward and talking shit behind my back. she got extremely uncomfortable and didnt dare even look me in the eye for the rest of the day and tbh she should be glad she didnt.

as expected, im definitely not gonna be anything like allison or klaus this year - i’ll be going on a yelling and beating spree from how annoyed people already get me here. my class absolutely didnt change for the better, when they all grow up im betting my left eye they’ll be living a sad life in this country fr.

anyway, ur homegirl will be alone at lunch in the bathroom listening to tua music and probably scrolling thru media bc whats better than learning tua footloose dance in the school bathrooms 💀💀💀

overall you and i both are gonna have a tough year it seems, i’ll always be here for therapy sessions tho dearest 😭😭🖤🖤🖤

[randombubblegum]

as much as i hate looking back and being like “omg awsten planned it the whole time” (bc tbh i am Tired of awsten and his schemes please just give me the product i’m gonna pay for) i do think the whole “deleting friendly reminder” thing was a total plan and he still has it somewhere. obviously bc he posted demos from it?? like it was never actually deleted. but with the theme of fandom being “the strangest dream of all” and middle/end of GH (idk where ice bath falls on the track list) being where he “wakes up” it would make sense that we’d revert back to friendly reminder era. not saying we’re getting those demos as real songs (altho i would love that) but just music like that you know? i also think it would be a way for awsten to crawl back to pop punk with his tail between his legs and play it off as “it was always the plan to do this obviously if fandom and GH were wild dreams they’re gonna sound crazy and different.” like i know and you know that’s not what happened, GH’s tik tok bait flopped, but i can see everyone on twitter being like “ommgggg GENIUS king shit he plans every move” yadda yadda. i kinda like the idea bc whatever it takes to get us back to old awsten, if we need to pretend the last two albums were fever dreams then fine.

this has just been my theory since the whole “GH was a nighttime album and parx5 is a day time album” and “ice bath being the wake up moment” but it’s a theory im clinging to out of pure hope lol

ya im totally in agreement with u here. although honestly i DO think he fully scrapped friendly reminder BECAUSE he released the demo versions yknow? like ya he definitely did not delete the album files, obvi. i think he said he deleted everything but the finished mastered tracks which presumably is what we got on the demo album. but i dont think hes ever gonna polish up the demo tracks weve had for 3 years at that point to release as “new songs” because even for him that would be desperate and pathetic…… which is like sad bc the demo songs are leagues better than anything on gh LMAO

i TOTALLY agree with you that i am sicklkk to bastard death of this “awsten had the WHOLE THING planned out years in advance!” like no. he did not. he does plan things and drop hints but theyre never as solid and concrete as people up his ass want to make them out to be LMAO like more often than not he just tailors stuff to reference things in the past and not the other way around, which is like fine, or else his “hints” are so vague and irrelevant as to be throwaways. like the phrase “next greatest hits” hidden in the fandom booklet…. that literally means nothing!!!!! and it could so easily be discarded and ignored to fade away forever if he decided g WASNT greatest hits lol

but anyway ya, u know and i know that gh flopped and his tiktok virality bait failed completely and he is SCRAMBLING to make up for it. hence crawling back to pop punk (and maybe hopeless records) w his tail between his legs…….. i can totally see him pulling something like that but honestly id be shocked if he ACTUALLY made reference to “we are doing friendly reminder again” bc that would fly in the face of his whole “NEVER GO BACK NOSTALGIA IS POISON FOR ART” uppity bullshit lol. and honestly with what weve heard of funeral grey it doesnt aound anything like friendly reminder (in a bad way…) so i dont have a ton of hope…… but i wish he would ☹️ regardless no matter what he does ppl are gonna look for ways to go “omgggg genius king of planning 🥺” even tho hes flying by the seat of his pants here

[brookheimer]

honestly as someone who's had a kid pregnancy and motherhood def changed me and forced me to reconcile w upbringing and heal childhood trauma/stop generational trauma. I feel for shiv tho bc what mother role models has she got or even friends who have kids ??? the roys dont even have a Cool Aunt figure. i really hope its not like "shiv doesnt wanna be in the running anymore shes a mother now"

but i can see her priorities changing and her focusing on herself/retreating inwards idk just rambling !!

oh man if they pull the “shiv doesn’t wanna be ceo she’s a mother now” card i will brain them with fucking hammers fr. like i am nooottttt arguing for that in the mf SLIGHTEST i just want shiv to keep being shiv, keep being angry and machiavellian and ambitious and manipulative and aggressive and all of that, but also to be allowed to let herself love or want a family or whatever if she so desires!! like that’s the whole point, i don’t want it to be another Motherhood Vs Career thingy aka symbolically Woman Vs Man bc that’s so reductive and frustrating and people r much more complex than that and it’s not like oh you get an abortion you have officially chosen career/masculinity oh you have a kid you have officially chosen family/femininity like that’s not how real people, real lives, work! so yeah no if they do that, jesse armstrong will be receiving a VERY strongly worded letter . to say the least

but no like i completely agree!!! and this is such a helpful perspective too like… people are acting like pregnancy is just a tool to devalue women or rob them of autonomy which is so bizarre because there are so many incredibly wonderful strong powerful autonomous women who are pregnant or have kids or want kids, just there are so many incredibly wonderful strong powerful autonomous women who don’t!!! there’s just so much pressure on both ends of the spectrum especially considering where you’re coming from, you really just have to do what’s right for you! because, like, you don’t stop being a person when you become a mother. allllll your old shit is still present but as you said it also doesn’t, like, freeze in time — you can grow and heal and live your own life! motherhood isn’t innately an end to freedom or personhood or autonomy. like, i’m saying this as someone who can’t really imagine having kids so i’m not some pronatalist weirdo like some ppl clearly think i am, but pregnancy is just another development in life sometimes, and life keeps going and so do you! it’s not like you have to stop and hand Living down to your kid once you have one. and as you said there’s a lot of healing possible in it too!

that being said i literally cannot picture shiv as a mother but i also think that’s because she can’t picture herself as a mother — even if she and tom had kids, she’d hand tom a baby bjorn and go curse at someone on the phone (which is actually incredibly fucking relatable for yours truly, ngl). she hasn’t had any good female role models (or male, but the male role models have taught her to hate the female ones who already sucked to begin with) like her relationship with caroline is devastating and fascinating and i so so so want to see more of it. and like i’m not saying shiv has to or should become a mother or anything, just that i think pregnancy kind of forces her to step back and remember that holy shit she’s her own person outside of a waystar puppet so who the fuck is that person gonna be? like. i just want to see her having to come to terms w that and think ab herself outside of the context of waystar, even (almost especially) if it leads her to make no changes in her life whatsoever! it’s not the actual outcome of the pregnancy plotline i’m excited for but the potential it holds for exploration of shiv’s interiority which is something she’s so far been pretty allergic to exploring

anyways i’m rambling too lolol but yes super cool to get a take on this from someone who’s actually, ya know. been pregnant? and had a kid? and yeah if they like change her character as a result and turn her into Mom Mode <3 i’m shooting someone. but it’s a little silly to think that they will — people have said time and time again that jesse’s guiding thesis is that people don’t really change. so if shiv ends up having a come to jesus motherhood anti-ambition moment i will literally eat my hat like that’s just unimaginable to me for this show so i think it’ll just be a vehicle for character exploration rather than a catalyst for Immense Sudden Change

[jwowwsboobs]

so im just thinking abt my girlies. artery … i already kind of sort of talked abt how sexism in the metal scene impacted jack in relation 2 her drug and alcohol issues but i didnt go into how it impacted anyone else in the band which like im gonna be honest i think abt jack the most. i will admit im not above favoritism w my “blorbos” (feminine) but thats not the point the point is i totally wanna talk abt the rest of them too! n so im making this random ass post abt it bc i just lovvvvvvveeeeeeeee hearing myself talk. anyway i have no good transition 👍 hope someone out there enjoys this messy delusional ranting :) its like 1.4k words or something sorry not sorry n im not adding a read more. scroll fast or something idc

some background: artery was founded in 1981 by max(ine) kennedy (vox + rhythm guitar) n ronnie young (drums), who l8r enlisted gale barker (bass) n obviously jack walsh (lead guitar). their discography consists of “Dig Yr Grave” (demo, december’81), “Spitfire” (demo, june 82), No Mercy, No Peace (album, feb 83), Total Annihilation (album, jan 84), and Death (album, may 85).

also btw gale is black n ronnie is hispanic (potentially) im still trying 2 figure out if/how racism may fit/fits into the band’s eventual implosion which i will! but bear in mind this is all very much a work in progress n i dont have everything fleshed out n it may change over time etc etc etc. 

okay okay so max was never the most confident frontman (woman? person? whatever). most of her what she wore both on stage n off in the early days/pre- n during the no mercy no peace “era” was baggy band shirts n plain jeans, usually flared but not always (around 84 she sorta shifted 2 skinny/regular jeans onstage but wore flares offstage occasionally). gale prefered 2 be comfortable onstage n off, often wearing tank tops or a band shirt cut into a muscle tee with jeans or combat pants when onstage or pj pants, sweatpants, or other loose pants when offstage. jack wore the same venom shirt n straight leg jeans 4 probably her entire career. they smelled like shit btw but they burried her in it anyway cuz it was 4 sure what she would have wanted. ronnies personal style was a little more feminine than the other girls in the band, preferring halter tops and heels when off-duty and home in california while the other girls stuck with their tee shirts and sneakers, but wore jeans and tee shirts just like the rest of them cuz surprise surprise its so much easier n faster 2 throw on the closest shirt n jeans 2 u than 2 come up with a whole outfit while on tour in a shitty van with four other ppl. 

so ya in the early days when max trying 2 avoid attention 4 being a Girl In A Band(TM) she wore more basic, nondescript clothes. which didnt rlly do much cuz her voice is…idk mezzo-soprano or contralto i think more contralto but that is beside the point the point is she is a girl n when she sings you know its a girl singing. n this stressed her out cuz she didnt want the focus 2 be on the fact that they were an all female band making loud, fast music, she wanted the focus 2 be on the music.

ronnie was less concerned with being taken seriously as musicians than she was with sounding and looking good as a band. her preference was that they have a cohesive, consistent look, she didnt really care what it was as long as they stuck 2 it. 

so in the early days, artery agreed that they thought it would be best 2 keep their image in promotional materials shadowy n vague, often relying on images taken live where their hair mostly obscured their faces, they were in motion. or obscured by drums, in the case of ronnie. 

this didnt really fly when they moved over 2 a major label 4 their 2nd album. they, as a band, continued 2 insist on wearing what they normally wore (jeans, tee shirts, battle vest etc.) in interviews, in photo shoots, on stage, while the label tried 2 push them towards more sexually charged, “feminine” clothes and more glamorous, labor intensive hairstyling (especially 4 gale, who whould have had 2 straighten her hair regularly) and makeup.

nobody was happy with this. max was unhappy bc she felt pressured 2 be something she wasnt n didnt want 2 be, gale was unhappy bc she felt that presenting themselves in a more glamorous way was opposited 2 their sound n roots in punk rock and the image the label was attempting 2 push had racist, eurocentric undertones, jack was unhappy cuz she would have had 2 actually brush her hair and agreed w gale, n ronnie was unhappy cuz everyone else was. luckily the label did eventually give up on trying 2 push their image in a specific way, cuz of the band’s vehement n intensive pushback against changing their image. but while artery was fighting with the label, they were also fighting with interviewers asking them insufferably sexist questions. jack for example, was not allowed 2 be interviewed on her own cuz she would generally physically assault someone who asked her something stupid like “whats it like being a girl in a band?” or “how do u ladies all manage that time of the month?” n etc. just anything that wasnt related 2 the music, tour, album etc shed tend 2 get pissed abt. n while most of the bands they played shows w or went on tour were cool, there was still the occasional asshole in a band they were playing w, asshole fans on tour, asshole security, etc. ronnie once left some stuff in their van on the tour 4 total annihilation n went out 2 get it w/o her backstage pass, n when she tried 2 get back in, was refused entry bc there was a no groupie policy. ronnie spent probably 20 minutes trying 2 convince the dude that no, she was actually in one of the bands playing. eventually the tour manager came out 2 get her after jack (who had her pass but not ronnies) found her n tried 2 get her in (security would not let either of them in and mistook jack 4 a dude). occasionally drunk male fans would find their way 2 the hotel they were staying in n harass, or try 2 harass, the band. max was a particular focus of these fans, n often carried pepper spray when on tour, and became more n more paranoid about her safety as time went on. the band briefly took some self-defense martial arts classes together in late 84 as a part of jack’s first (n only) rehab stint, n 2 help max combat her paranoia n anxiety.

gale got some shit 4 being black n being in a metal band but not much as far as i know cuz she didnt exactly put herself out in the public “sphere” the way ronnie, jack n max did. yeah she played shredding 6, 7 minute bass solos live n chatted w fans n came 2 the parties w everyone else n did the interviews like everybody else (sans jack), but she didnt really want 2 be in the limelight off stage the way ronnie, w her immense love of being interviewed n saying outrageous things just cuz she could, did. max was in the limelight whether she liked it or not (she didn’t like it) which messed her up n was part if why, after artery disbanded early late 85/early 86, she disappeared off the face of the earth (<- exaggeration but kind of accurate.) i think one of the reasons jack jumped intensely into drugs n alcohol was bc she felt ignored off stage, n wanted 2 prove 2 the other ppl that the band was touring w that she was as badass as the rest of them, she could drink as much as/more than them etc etc etc i went over this in the tags of the other post. n also she was just insane w many mental issues 👍 i dunno much abt what in particular i just know she struggled n then od’d n died. max also struggled w alcohol, especially on artery’s tours bc she was trying 2 use it 2 be more relaxed n outgoing when performing. i believe ronnie tried coke during artery’s final tour. gale smoked weed recreationally n 2 this day is a big proponent of legalizing marijuana in the US.

i think i covered just abt every i wanted 2 cover! 🍻🍻 thanks 4 listening or whatever sorry if it makes no sense im not doing super well

[orenjibot]

Rly frustrated af at shit so. I deactivated all my twit in the meantime. I simply do not exist.

I’ll reactivate them some time. I’ll likely keep off discord for a lil bit too.

I’m just so… upset at everything…

(rant under a read more)

Bro i keep feeling like cause i just complain so much that no one likes to hear me complain???? Like imagine having ppl not respond to u with smth like “damn that sucks” or etc.

Like ofc i dont get like this all the time cause i know sometimes i need to write my thoughts out somewhere, but it do feel like smth when a few doesn’t rly respond to my rants or some shit but will respond to other ppl. And i just…. Am i rly that bad…???

I kinda wish ppl will tell me that if i am BUT then again, it’s just putting pressure on ppl for telling me what’s right and what’s wrong which is mean and cruel of me. Despite the fact that, I’m not rly forcing them to tell me but more like “please don’t hold ur words back and rly let me have it” if like ya know? They WANT to say something but is afraid to.

But then again, i had this issue with my old friend group of irls many years ago so honestly? I should expect not to get a response or smth. Like i expect a response but i guess i just… dunno what kinda response i want? Like do i want ppl to let me know they read it? Do i want an opinion or advice on it? Or do i want them to like coddle me for a bit and let me know they care? Do i want them to agree with me?? Like i just dunno. I respond to ppl when they vent all the time because i feel like i should say smth since lol i get ignored a lot.

Literally no one want to listen to me talk irl when i get like this??? My whole family is kind of dismissive towards me about it. Like damn sorry for complaining so much i guess?? I totally get it if ppl just can’t rly help me and they know it, but sometimes the way ppl respond by saying nothing or responding curtly/abruptly, i just feel like u don’t want to listen to me and want me to shut up. Like man i’m not going to MAKE y’all participate in actively shittalking ppl with me cause i GET IT, but sometimes the way ppl respond rly feels like “i disagree with u and want to say u’re wrong but out of politeness and the facts laid out before me, i can’t say that.” Like… you can just say u dont like me and wanna take someone else’s side???

Like idk maybe i’m just reading too much into it cause it causes my rad to flare up really bad. I dont wanna force ppl TO listen to me when they can’t or don’t want to?? Like i’m not that rude but the way ppl sorta just get distracted irl makes me rly like upset cause bro… i asked if i can talk to u and THIS is the response and attention u’re giving me? Bruh just say u dont like listening to me. I have to out all my shit down if i’m listening to you, i demand the same respect back. I dont grill ppl that much on it if it’s online tho.

Like ya kno? It’s online u got ur own life and shit like that. So i get that much. It’ll sting but not that much.

I keep thinking that maybe its just the hole left in me cause my exfriend was shit but at this point… i guess i just. Can’t find anyone who rly did fill the role my exfriend left behind. I do commend him for being able to work with me to get along with me, despite how he eventually threw me aside after a while.

Either i expect everyone to treat me like how i treat them, very literally, or maybe i just have some things that i can’t really overlook when it comes to how i want people treat me. Like i dont think my requirements are ungodly high, but i guess it’s the little things that set me off.

Oh well. I feel like i’m being a nuisance anyways so i’m just going to not talk and actively participate in social media for a bit. Like i’m around alright cause ppl need to be able to reach me for anything, but. Yeah.

I dont want to think of myself as someone who just complains a lot cause i dont but i do complain about things when it overwhelms me emotionally. Like i dont gripe about my pet peeves that often but i WILL complain about stuff i think is like emotionally overwhelming to me like if i get hurt or treated unfairly. And those are things i vent about a lot in retrospect.

It’s all temporary but i think it’s harder for me to pet go of something i don’t rly understand and hurt me deeply as a result. Like it just takes longer which sucks.

Maybe i’m just burnt out from trying to be okay lately. I’ve been depressed after all. Maybe i’m just. Tired or smth. Idk. I just dunno what i should be doing.

Just feeling like a blob of hurt… Like i know that just leaving won’t get ppl to dm me or anything and ask if i’m doing alright. Even irl, i dont think ppl really realize if i’m doing alright cause i don’t rly show it and i don’t rly like to say i’m not doing okay.

It’s… tough.

[omujijjiritjjirit14]

thoughts #1: Kaleidoscope by Goldberry

link to story: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/2212118/1/

its another of many stories that were written before my parents had even conceived me

I'd seen this story floating around a lot for yearssssss from the general search bar to ppls favorites lists but for some reason i'd never clicked on it until today. I can really say that i regret not reading it sooner. The first thought i had after finishing the story was "younger me was so stupid..." I guess the description scared me off but looking back idk how it couldve been scary at all. I guess i should attritube that to my low level reading comprehension at the time but anyway

Goldberry is kinda mother (or father idk)... they're like a major diety in nejitenism everyone knows them and respects them. Their work was revolutionary.. its mandatory curriculum at all schools in nejitenlandia. Ive always wished i was born sooner to witness the golden age of nejiten but also that would mean id be old af now (no offense). That reminds me.. i was gonna say i wonder how goldberry is now and how they're doing now (are they alive?!) but clicking on their ffn page.... they literally publiushed a genshin impact story like 4 months ago bruh

ANYWAY here is my official review of "Kaleidoscope"

At first i was just gagged at how good the writing was. Like the opening scene scared me cuz it seemed wordy (im stupid) but im glad i fought through it (theres nothing to fight thru its pretty light if ur not stupid). They are so descriptive and smart in their writing. Theyre especially good at creating rly specific tones.. kinda withdrawn and melancholy which perfectly fits neji in that time in the story. Ya so i was just gagged at how intelligent the writing is. Its a great example of how tone can be used to characterize

The story itself is so perfect for me cuz i lowk hate ooc super sweet kekekuku stories (SOMETIMES) but this was so smooth and intimate without being all up in ur pussy idk how else to describe it but it just fit nejiten's dynamic so well cuz u know... theyre not kekekuku but are still scarily close in their own way

I think ppl are scared of writing friends to lovers cuz how do u even write someone realizing their feelings. Usually its like the guy sees the girl in a dress or something and is like wow😍😍😍😍😍💦💦💦💦💦i actually like you 😍😍😍😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️ but here its a very thought out and natural realization that you dont even realize how sudden it is (DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE):

"After about half an hour they would settle, each of them slipping off into dreamland. Neji, however, did not that night. There was a thought turning in his mind, taking on different shapes as he added to it. Finally, when he was sure he knew what it meant, he turned over, his milky eyes finding her shape in the darkness."

This was so good liek instead of actually painstakingly rifling through his thoughts its just a few short sentences in summary. I guess the main point is the outcome rather than the actual inner turmoil or wtvr. Actually we dont even know if it was turmoil, it certainly isnt phrased like one. "Thought turning," "taking on different shapes as he added to it," its just an eventual conclusion after thorough exploration. So cute im kekekuku and then the next line..

"Neji knew."

It's so short but so meaningful. Like ya. He knows. He doesnt fight it or zealously double down on it. He just lets it sit and exist. Nejiten ffn is famous for letting things just sit and exist, its a very hmm... idk the right word... professional? Withdrawn? ship... idk if u get it u get it

It even says it in the story, its a surprising "but not unwelcome" revelation. He himself doesnt even know what to think about it but its okay because things will happen when they happen

Looking back its a bittersweet ending knowing how nejiten turned out liekk i kinda feel bad for the author.. little did they know what the future held.... but im still glad they wrote and kept this story out there like thankGOD

I have a million more thoughts but school is beating my ass and i havent even started my math hw i just needed to get this out of my system

Oh also i would pair this story with the song "seasons" by wave to earth. Esp the beginning. Its a super slow descension into the main melody but when the main song hits IT HITS and it kinda reminded me of this story. Nejiten's fall into something more is super gradual and slow and barely noticeable like on a random rainy night in a random inn far away but IT HITS.... trust me....(i sound crazy) also the second part of the song "i cant be ur love im afraid ill ruin ur life" ... iykyk (i dont know)

But ya thats all i have for now final rating 10/10 so cute so kekekuku so nejiten so intelligent

post read feeling:

[lilmisa33]

okay so kinda back in my yapping silly mindset idk!! my head just needed to explode and talk and idk im just talking about nothing rnn but thisi s how my brain works bc everything feels so impoirtant but idk!!! im CONFUSED why do i talk smm but im also so awkward n shy its actually so confusing to me and probably people around me and it scares me i just want someone to baby me bc i think i lowkey talk a lot out of pressure but i also dont know bc even when im alone like this i dont stop YAPPING so uhm i guess i need someoen who i can talk too about silly thing but who doesnt just listen and returns equal if not more energy??? im not rlly sure bc when someone just listens i get rlly insecure and feel judged but that is what it is i guess anyways its christmas time and im craving like sugar star shaped cookies and i might try to make some actually thats a rlly good idea. im also needing new music i love the songs i listen to but i need something new to just make me feel magical rnn!! I still want to run across an empty meadow and just collapse into the fresh grass and yuh yuh yuh. currently strugglign to know what i want bc guys can be rlly cool but if they show any signs of brattyness or more femininity than masc i cant act normal aroudn them and start being kind of grumpy and idk i dont rlly like that. and im trying to tell myself i shouldnt feel bad for having that preference. but it does feel rlly shallow at the same time and im sorry :(( i just need someone who can handle me and balance me out and if i feel like a certain type of ppl makes me act worse then i shouldnt encourage myself or feel bad for that right?? idk maybe im just being weird rnn!! But ya blah blah blah i need to learn more strumming patterns <333