#anyway. currently googling if i can fuck then both simultaneously

[nyxronomicon]

omg I FINALLY fucking romanced Halsin and when I went to ask Astarion about it he was like "you wanna fuck the old man don't you" like. Yeah man have you just been watching with glee as I desperately try to get stuffed by the huge elf??

[utilitycaster]

Wizard Breakdown Tracker, #135

Each week I think “man it would have been cool if I had thought of this idea, in which I make jokes about how stressed out the wizard NPCs are, during, you know, the Vergesson heist or something when we were interacting with more than one wizard NPC instead of during a dungeon crawl with only one wizard NPC, emphasis on crawl” but you know what, I persevere, because where else am I going to put song parodies about the death of Vess Derogna that are literally only funny to me? Twitter?

Anyway while I am personally team Jester, in that the faster Lucien is simultaneously disintegrated, run through in the chest with both a vestige and a holy avenger, shot through the heart (and Veth’s to blame), beheaded with a hand axe, banished, punched in the face, and sent into a black hole the better, the party has other plans. Thanks to the long rest though it has been about 12 hours, plus the 4-ish from last week, so I guess we’ll check in with a few of our other wizard friends as well.

As a reminder Caleb Widogast is a PC and thus excluded from this list.

Currently sidelined

Presumably having a good day: Pumat Sol (blissfully unaware of all of this); Allura Vyesoren (saint-like patience and a wealth of experience with disaster adventuring parties; at least this one has a cleric at more than 0.33 FTE, a wizard, and some lesbians), Ludinus Da’leth (this miserable pile of power plays wakes up every morning and is like Isn’t it Grand to be head of the evil wizard council and no one realizes I probably destroyed the first non-drow elven civilization on the continent to arise after the calamity! Fetch me more pastries!).

No idea but here’s hoping he found the cat portion of ScryTube: Oremid Hass

Lady DeRogna, taken off the scene, sorry that your murder happened while off-screen.

Trent Ikithon: I’ve established that I think the only real things that can damage Trent emotionally are Caleb paying too much attention to him so as to destroy his standing within the empire, or else Caleb ignoring him. Honestly if Trent would not continue to torture students and spread propaganda if left unchecked I think he could be slowly murdered solely through Caleb expressing apathy. So despite the amulets of nondetection I like to imagine that somehow, somewhere, Trent felt Caleb reaffirm to Essek that his top priority is still stopping the city from returning, not Trent, and it necrotized just a little bit more of his liver.

Conclusion: 7/10. I went to the OG evil mageocracy and no one knew who you were.

Essek Thelyss: Well on the one hand he’s still flirting but on the other imagine spending a literal century being like “what if we’re wrong about how we approach the fundamental basis for our society” and he just got proved right. I have to imagine he’s got that kind of stress where suddenly everything becomes dead calm and also this explains why he unnecessarily cast a 3rd level spell, which he knows could in theory cause him to lose all his hair, to impress a boy. I didn’t even get into the conversations he had with Caleb, the bad dreams and eyeballs, Fjord teasing him, Yasha being like “ALRIGHT ALREADY”, the horrible Aeorian creatures, the fact that robots might be back(?) or his ongoing terror that the Assembly is after him!

Conclusion: 8/10 but he’s like, kind of having a good time. Essek is in all ways but physical in a Hawaiian shirt right now drinking a Mai Tai and going Nothing Matters; I presume he will have a full breakdown following the boss battle and honestly he deserves it.

Astrid Beck: Others have already established the parallels between Essek and Astrid but honestly I want to highlight it because really, on the one hand we have Essek, whose world is crashing around him because he was right all along and is in terrible immediate danger but surrounded by friends, and on the other we have Astrid, whose world is crashing around her because she was wrong all along and she’s probably not in immediate danger but Eadwulf is the only person she can trust and we don’t know all the details about that either.

Conclusion: 8/10 but in the bad way, not Essek’s kind of fun way.

Wulfpupy:

Conclusion: 3/10. You know that tiktok with the blonde woman with glasses who has a lot of highlighter on her nose who talks about how sometimes if you have guy friends they will say something deeply fucked up and you’ll be like “oh my god do we unpack this right now” and then you look over at them and the only thing in their mind are the lyrics to Kokomo? That’s Wulf. He will activate the second Caleb comes back in town or Astrid actually falls apart but until then he is on Island Time.

Yussa Errenis: I wonder if there’s a small part of Yussa that is part of the city’s awareness and, moreover, can see what Beau and Caleb at least are doing, and he’s like “I’m so simultaneously proud and impatient, also we live in a world that does not have IV fluids so like, hopefully my body still exists in some kind of functioning state when I am rescued” (note: did I google “how were coma patients kept alive in olden times” for this? Perhaps.) Anyway if he is aware he’s also just like, watching all this like “I WILL GET YOU SO MUCH PAPER OH MY GOD CAN YOU JUST KISS THE OTHER WIZARD SAVE ME FROM THE EVIL HIVEMIND CITY.”

Conclusion: I mean still infinity/10, he is still trapped in the city of madness and also if he does have a small part of his mind that is sane and able to observe the material plane he also is aware that Trent and the Volstruckers broke into his tower.

Known Gem Wizard Hotsauce Lutefisk: I know, I know, weird that I brought him up. However consider: Yussa’s wizard tower now contains two wizards in suspended animation, their consciousnesses trapped in eldritch astral sea-related spaces. This is incredibly funny to me. We’re in a real Old Lady who swallowed a fly scenario except it’s centuries-old wizards getting sucked into traps because of their own hubris. The reason why mageocracies no longer exist isn’t the lack of magical knowledge or even because power corrupts absolutely, it’s because literally just put some lightly fried forbidden knowledge under a box with a stick propping it up, add your parody of Long-Term Nuclear Waste Warnings above it, and a wizard will be like “that sign won’t stop me because I CAN read and what’s more I’m better at reading than you are!” And then they get trapped in a box.

Conclusion: what is a breakdown tracker to a man whose mind has been stuck in a gem for, from his perspective, at minimum about 35 years?

[digitaldreams0801]

Spirit Fuse AU

Posting Note: I was unable to post this until after the story ended because this contains spoilers for the last two chapters, but now, it is here. I typed this months ago, but now you get to see it. Fucking finally. Anyways, on with the show!

It’s been a while since I did an info dump about Frontiers Unexplored, so here we go. This is a long one. The Google document for it is seventeen pages. Yeah. Anyways, the concept of this AU is basically ‘what if traces of the Spirits were left to share bodies with their vessels after the adventure ended?’ I gave all of them personalities, and it took FUCKING forever. Spoilers for Frontiers Unexplored. Enough talk; let’s get into this!

Spirit Fuse AU

In which the Legendary Warriors share mind and body with the Spirits who call human children their vessels. 

Each of the Spirits acts as common fragments of the current Legendary Warriors and the Ancient Digimon who once saved the Digital World. They act as checkpoints throughout the lives of both, sometimes taking on certain traits from their hosts or offering what their vessels need most. Hybrid forms are often closest to the personalities of the Ancient Digimon since they have combined broken memories from the Human and Beast Spirits, though this is not always the case. 

Warrior of Fire

This collective includes Takuya Kanbara, the current vessel of Fire, along with Aguni the Human Spirit, Vritra the Beast Spirit, and Alda the Hybrid. The body itself is immune to heated temperatures and feels significantly warmer than all others. They are also immune to burns and can breathe in smoke easily. Their strength is replenished when in the presence of fire. 

Takuya

Takuya is known for his endless passion and confidence. He is naturally charismatic and a strong leader, though he can be stubborn to a fault. His loyalty and courage cannot be understated, and he cares for those who get close to him above all else. Takuya has a strong sense of justice, but he rarely thinks before he acts, and this can very easily get him into trouble. He hides insecurity involving his body behind his brazen optimism. Takuya is the most casual out of the Warriors of Fire in posture and movements. 

Aguni

Aguni is known to be a somewhat chaotic person, and he’s openly talkative with the people around him. He’s a leader at heart, very easily earning the trust and admiration of others without even trying. He can be stubborn at times and refuses to give up even in the face of opposition with every power to crush him. In the Ancient Warrior of Fire, Aguni manifests as the leadership needed following the death of the Ancient Warrior of Steel. In Takuya, Aguni is meant to reflect Takuya embracing his true self following his transition. 

Vritra 

Vritra is detached and borderline confrontational in his wish to be kept secure. He despises physical contact under most circumstances and is prone to snapping in the name of safety. He personifies the Ancient Warrior of Fire from the start of the war with Lucemon when times were chaotic and lives were being lost constantly. In Takuya, Vritra reflects his host’s struggle with dysphoria and a wish to stand up to his intrusive thoughts. Vritra takes control on bad days and is known for his general snappiness and cynicism. 

Alda

Alda is known for his endless confidence and stoic nature. He easily rallies others to his causes and has gained a reputation as a powerful soldier who bows to no one. He also has a strong sense of leadership modeled after his peers and those he looks up to. Alda is analytical by nature, doing what he can to get the upper hand in and out of battle. He reflects the Ancient Warrior of Fire’s time as a fighter during the war after he grew used to a life of combat. For Takuya, Alda is meant to reflect someone who Takuya came to admire and rely on throughout his youth (Chihiro). 

Fire Collective

The Warriors of Fire get along well, though the most distant out of their group is easily Vritra, who tends to clash with Aguni while Alda acts as mediator. All of them can be endlessly stubborn at times, though Alda is the best at listening to the issues of others. Aguni is the best at imitating Takuya followed by Alda and then Vritra. Their prominence order is the same, though Vritra notably makes an appearance when they begin to suffer from dysphoria-induced struggles on the worst of days. Since they’re so similar, they both get along very well and clash simultaneously, leading to frequent shifts in dynamic depending on if their various senses of stubborn confidence get the better of them.

Warrior of Light

This collective includes Koji Minamoto, the current vessel of Light, and Lobo the Human Spirit, Garum the Beast Spirit, Beowolf the Hybrid, and Erocia the False Fusion. The body has perfect eyesight in lighted spaces but struggles in darker areas. Their temperature is naturally slightly higher than most humans. They gain strength in daylight and well-lit areas, and they rarely require sleep. 

Koji

Koji dislikes interacting with others and prefers his own company. He is rather quiet, but when provoked, he can be sarcastic almost to the point of irritating those around him. He believes firmly that actions speak louder than words. Koji does possess communication issues though, and he’s prone to times of being snappish and angry when rubbed the wrong way. He struggles to convey his emotions, specifically sadness and grief, due to being forced to hide them from a young age. His actions show how closed-off he is, and he only relaxes around those he trusts. 

Lobo 

Lobo has an incredible sense of justice, always believing in what he finds to be right regardless of what others say. He’s a white knight of sorts, wanting to defend those who are unable to save themselves. He can be somewhat stubborn in his ideals, sometimes refusing to accept it when he’s wrong. He reflects the Ancient Warrior of Light’s wishes to keep the Digital World and its occupants safe from Lucemon’s tyranny. For Koji, Lobo personifies his stubborn wish to defend those he cares for. He is confident in his movements, refusing to bow or otherwise yield to anyone. 

Garum 

Garum acts as an ideal fighter of sorts, unbending in his loyalties. He’s somewhat reclusive, only showing his face when he has to. He’s somewhat distant from the world but possesses more than enough determination to make up for it. He manifests the Ancient Warrior of Light’s resolve to end the war following the death of most of his comrades. Garum also personifies Koji’s stoic mask that kept him from spiraling into despair throughout childhood, causing him to come off as a brick wall at times. He moves somewhat slowly and often makes uncomfortable eye contact with others. 

Beowolf

Beowolf is fueled primarily by his emotions, and he’s incredibly caring for those who are suffering. He’s also empathetic beyond imagination and often offers others quiet motivation to keep them going even through difficult times. Beowolf can be swayed by his feelings at times, most notably when it comes to grief. He manifests the Ancient Warrior of Light’s sadness during the battle with Lucemon when his comrades fell in combat. He reflects Koji’s often excessive emotions as well, causing him to be a bit rash when it comes to jumping to conclusions. Beowolf moves fastest out of the group’s members and has the worst posture. 

Erocia

Erocia, unlike many of the other Warriors, isn’t entirely a stable presence on his own. Instead, he’s the combined might of the Spirits of Light and Darkness, leaving him often unstable and difficult to predict. He’s rarely present, but he holds heavy emotions tied to grief and anger that cause him to look rather spaced out at a first glance since he tends to ignore the emotions to keep from being crushed by them. He doesn’t speak much either, preferring to keep to himself. Erocia may take control during times of extreme emotion or chaos since he can defend the others from suffering too much under the weight of negativity. He is incredibly protective of those around him, but Koichi in particular is a target for Erocia’s defensive nature. 

Light Collective

The Warriors of Light are close for the most part, but Erocia is somewhat distant from the rest. Garum is the best when it comes to imitating Koji followed by Lobo, Beowolf, and Erocia, though there’s a wide gap between Garum and Lobo. Lobo is most prominent followed by Garum, Beowolf, and finally Erocia. Beowolf and Erocia tend to keep to themselves outside of times of extreme emotion, and Erocia very rarely appears unless he’s absolutely required to ensure that everyone else is kept safe. Erocia is prone to notable bouts of fear and anger, so the rest of the group tries to defend him to the best of their abilities. 

Warrior of Ice

This collective includes Tomoki Himi, the current vessel of Ice, and Kuma the Human Spirit, Blizzar the Beast Spirit, and Daipen the Hybrid. The body is incredibly cold to the touch and immune to chilled temperatures. They cannot freeze either, and they feel at their best when in cooler environments. 

Tomoki

Tomoki is on the shy side, easily made nervous and anxious by his surroundings. He longs to connect with others but is often too wrapped up in his own fears to actually reach out. He can be rather clingy at times because of how fiercely loyal he is to those who are able to earn his trust. Tomoki has issues with hiding his feelings as well, rarely expressing his pain until it is pushing him to the point of nearly breaking down. He has a heart of gold beneath all of this and hates hurting others. Tomoki moves quickly and often seems rather jittery. 

Kuma 

Kuma is free-spirited and laidback, uncaring as to the opinions of others. He simply wants to go through life at his own pace, and he doesn’t mind what others think of him along the way. Kuma’s connection to the Ancient Warrior of Ice is that he acts as a fragment of childhood and innocence. His link to Tomoki describes Kuma as the person that Tomoki would have been if not for his traumas, and as it is, Kuma acts so young and carefree to embody the childhood that Tomoki had taken from him. He is energetic and moves quickly with confidence. 

Blizzar 

Blizzar is careful and contemplative, often abandoning his connection with emotion to concentrate on survival. He’s rather quiet and enjoys reading and meditating. Blizzar acts as the manifestation of grief in the Ancient Warrior of Ice, representing his sadness when the war with Lucemon began to take the lives of Digimon. In Tomoki, he reflects the way that his host cut himself away from his emotions at times to keep from being harmed too heavily by his brother. Blizzar’s lack of emotional connection is a coping mechanism to balance out Tomoki’s overwhelming compassion. He walks slowly and heavily and often appears to be spaced out. 

Daipen 

Daipen is caring and gentle, handling every subject that comes his way with a certain degree of logic and emotion that balances out perfectly. He is the personification of the Ancient Warrior of Ice’s care towards the rest of his team during the war, and he is incredibly self-sacrificing, though he does understand his own limitations. Daipen acts as the older brother that Tomoki never had due to Yutaka’s treatment of him, and he is seamlessly able to ease Tomoki’s anxieties when he gets afraid or otherwise worked up. He is quiet and firm in his movements.

Ice Collective

The four Warriors of Ice get along rather well all in all, though there are occasional spats between Kuma and Blizzar due to them being polar opposites regarding emotions (all at once versus none at all). Kuma is the most prominent of them followed by Daipen and then Blizzar. Daipen is the best at pretending to be Tomoki where Kuma is the worst and Blizzar falls in between them. Kuma enjoys bright colors and exciting environments such as amusement parks and playgrounds, and he’s the most social of the three. Blizzar is rather defensive and keeps the group from getting into trouble. Daipen is the best at easing Tomoki’s fears, causing him to appear when paranoia hits a peak. 

Warrior of Wind

This collective includes Izumi Orimoto, the current vessel of Wind, along with Kaze the Human Spirit, Zephyr the Beast Spirit, and Aero the Hybrid. The body has an incredible sense of hearing along with amazing stamina and speed. They have amazing lung capacity as well and feel strongest in windy areas. 

Izumi

Izumi is a kind and caring person who prefers to keep to herself rather than interacting with others. She is naturally empathetic and often maintains a perfect mask of what she wants to show the world with a smile on her face. She wants to make sure that others are happy and isn’t above self-sacrifice to unhealthy extents to satisfy those around her. Izumi has an awful complex regarding perfection though, and she can be self-destructive in pursuit of her goals. She is known for consistently having a demure smile on her face. 

Kaze 

Kaze is confident and flirtatious in a way that not many others are. She’s playful and bold, often believing that everything will work out regardless of what is taking place. Kaze represents the Ancient Warrior of Wind in youth, nonchalant and laidback about the world around her. Kaze is a manifestation of Izumi’s ideals of the person she wishes that she could be. She possesses incredible optimism that she often uses to rally others into action. She is far more energetic than Izumi, and she moves and talks faster than anyone else in the collective. 

Zephyr 

Zephyr is detached and emotionless by comparison, the complete opposite of Kaze. She is self-assured and intelligent, but she can get a bit stubborn and wrapped in her own ideas of tough love. Zephyr reflects the Ancient Warrior of Wind when she was a general in the war against Lucemon, stern and unflinching. She is Izumi’s hidden pragmatism made real, a reflection of Izumi’s slipping faith in others following her years of struggling with an eating disorder. Zephyr’s gaze is always unbreaking when she is in control, and she generally seems scarier than usual. 

Aero 

Aero is soft-spoken and sympathetic, caring for others in a motherly way. She understands the emotions of others easily and is able to slip into the shoes of those around her seamlessly. Aero is a representation of the Warrior of Wind in her older years prior to the war when she shifted her overwhelming energy towards empathy. Aero represents Izumi’s deceased mother as well, and she acts as a natural caretaker. She is the best at pretending to be Izumi, but those who watch her carefully will notice that she walks slower than Izumi slightly. 

Wind Collective

Izumi is the vessel for the Warrior of Wind, and she gets along rather well with the other three extensions of herself. Zephyr is the most prominent of the three easily due to the heavy ties Izumi and Zephyr formed when the latter took control after being discovered. However, it’s rare for Zephyr to actually take control unless she finds it to be necessary, instead being a constant close presence for Izumi. Kaze takes control most often followed by Aero and then Zephyr. Aero is the best at acting as Izumi followed by Kaze and finally Zephyr. Kaze prefers social situations to anything else, and Aero takes control when another person needs comfort that Izumi cannot provide. 

Warrior of Thunder

This collective includes Junpei Shibayama, the current vessel of Thunder, and Blitz the Human Spirit, Bolg the Beast Spirit, and Thundra the Hybrid. The body is naturally charged with electricity, and they can charge technology if they hold it for long enough. When stressed, they emit small sparks and shock others, and they are immune to electrocution. They feel at their strongest when surrounded by technology or during storms. 

Junpei

Junpei is deceptively cheerful around others, showing off his true nature from the very beginning. He’s open about the sort of person that he wants to be and the fact that he wants to make others smile. Despite this, Junpei possesses a strange sense of nihilism, believing that he should be loyal to himself since there’s a chance that nobody else ever will be. He also has anger issues that stem from his self-loathing and inability to satisfy those around him. Junpei moves slowly and often shows off his awful posture. 

Blitz 

Blitz is a people-pleaser who longs to satisfy those around him. He’s openly very cheerful and enjoys teasing others, almost as if he doesn’t know how to stop smiling. Blitz goes with the flow most of the time and often encourages the mischief of others. He’s the manifestation of the Ancient Warrior of Thunder’s hope for the world. In Junpei, Blitz is an ideal that Junpei wishes he could achieve. He often moves quickly and seems to always be smiling in an over-the-top and goofy way that attracts the attention of others. 

Bolg 

Bolg is, in a word, volatile. He’s very easily pushed over the edge by the words of others, and he’s incredibly defensive of those around him. He’s not above getting explosive in his anger when it comes to protecting himself and others. Bolg has good intentions but can go too far at times due to the strength of his emotions. He’s somewhat nihilistic, knowing that everything ends sooner or later. He represents the Ancient Warrior of Thunder’s anger at Lucemon for harming the innocent. In Junpei, Bolg reflects and protects from extreme moments of upset. His steps are heavy and often perceived as aggressive even without harsh intentions. 

Thundra 

Thundra is an incredibly curious soul who longs to learn more about the world around him. He loves tinkering around with small devices, and he is absolutely fascinated by various obscure inventions. Thundra has an amazing mind and always longs to do something productive and creative. He’s the Ancient Warrior of Steel’s creativity and ambition from the war that helped him to survive. Where Junpei is concerned, Thundra is the manifestation of Junpei’s coping mechanisms when he was left on his own. He moves quickly and seems unable to sit still. He also has a wide vocabulary that differs from the others in the Thunder category.

Thunder Collective

The group of four gets along well, but when there are occasional arguments, chances are they are between Bolg and Blitz since they utilize their excessive emotional capacity in different ways. Blitz is the best at acting like Junpei followed by Thundra and finally Bolg. Blitz is most prominent, and Bolg comes after him leaving Thundra last. They tend to do more talking under their breath than the rest of the Legendary Warriors because of their general banter being constant. All of them are talkative to some extent, leaving them to hold extended conversations with one another when left alone. 

Warrior of Darkness

This collective includes Koichi Kimura, the current vessel of Darkness, and Lowe the Human Spirit, Umbra the Beast Spirit, Rhihi the Hybrid, Dusk the False Human Spirit, Velge the False Beast Spirit, Malkako the False Hybrid, and Erocia, the False Fusion. The body is slightly colder than others, and they possess perfect vision in the dark while struggling to see in overly bright areas. They regain strength when in darker areas. 

Koichi

Koichi is unsure of how to interact with others due to his fear of reaching out and making a connection. He fears being a burden on others, causing him to retreat into his shell when he feels that others are trying to get too close to him. Koichi is immensely kind and curious though, and he will do what he can to cheer up those around him without getting too close. He is shy and sweet, and even though he’s introverted, he is rarely hated due to his caring nature. Koichi is slow when he walks, and he often keeps his eyes locked on the ground. 

Lowe

Lowe is on the introverted side, tending to keep to himself above all else. He’s quiet and takes a while to open up to people, but he possesses a gentle sense of charm that most others lack. He’s also positive and optimistic, there to soothe others enduring tough times. In the Ancient Warrior of Darkness, Lowe acts as a manifestation of the middle of his life when the war was going on but he did his best to remain optimistic. Lowe also reflects Koichi’s hope for life to get better in the future, and the two get along well due to their similar soft-spoken natures. 

Umbra

Umbra is the quietest out of the Warriors of Darkness, rarely speaking unless he absolutely has to. He’s reclusive and chooses to keep to himself when he can. He’s starved for attention and, despite wanting to be around others, fears making connections with others. Umbra acts as the manifestation of grief for the Warrior of Darkness in the time leading up to his death. For Koichi, Umbra reflects how he would hide his problems out of hope to not inconvenience others. As such, Umbra holds considerable amounts of sadness and fear for the future.

Rhihi

Rhihi is upbeat and talkative, easily able to connect with anyone he comes into contact with. He has an endless sense of optimism and creativity, loving the arts and spending much of his time making anything that he can to get out his extra energy. In both the Ancient Warrior of Darkness and Koichi, Rhihi reflects childhood and the potential for infinite possibilities. Rhihi represents the way that Koichi would have been had he not been distrubed by his trauma from such a young age, and despite being the Warrior of Darkness, he rarely allows life to get him down.

Dusk

Dusk is honest to a fault, and he’s known to be rather confrontational. He speaks his mind regardless of how others will react, and he can be quick to anger, causing many to find him to be abrasive and harsh. Dusk is not a manifestation of the Ancient Warrior of Darkness since he originates from the corruption of the Spirits of Darkness, so he only holds memories of Koichi’s past. In Koichi’s case, Dusk represents his anger towards his father, and Dusk absolutely despises Kousei despite Koichi’s (albeit hesitant) attempts to make amends with him. 

Velge

Velge has a reputation for being anxious and easily unsettled. Nearly anything out of the ordinary will upset Velge and send him into a panic, often leaving him defensive and agitated. He sometimes goes to unsettling lengths to feel secure in a situation, and he chooses to not interact with people unless he deems them safe. Much like Duskmon, Velge holds no memories from an Ancient Legendary Warrior. Instead, Velge acts as a manifestation of Koichi’s insecurities brought on by his unorthodox upbringing, and Velge makes sure that everyone is able to survive when times get tough. 

Malkako

Malkako is confrontational and angry much like Dusk, though he doesn’t ever seem to need a reason to be upset unlike Dusk, instead carrying himself with an aura that makes him seem dangerous. He chooses to not spend time with others when he can. While Malkako is open to speaking with those he finds to be safe, it takes a lot to reach this level, and he’s a harsh judge of character. He holds no Ancient Legendary Warrior’s memories. Malkako holds Koichi’s desires to be cared for by his father, so he has a strong grudge against Kousei just like Dusk. 

Erocia

The fragment of Erocia that Koichi holds is completely different from Koji’s half. This version is rather soft-spoken and doesn’t talk a majority of the time. He is similar in appearance to the other variation of Erocia, always seeming to be off in a world of his own. Erocia holds immense sensations of sadness and fear, specifically the fear of death. He prefers to write as opposed to speaking, and he can very easily be pushed too far by the words of others. He is distant from most others out of his own paranoia, but he feels a certain connection to Koji due to the two halves of Erocia caring about each other even from afar. 

Darkness Collective

Despite the varying personalities found in the Darkness Collective, they do get along rather well and rarely get into full-on arguments with one another. They make up for one another’s weaknesses and look after each other when times get tough. In order of prominence, the list is Lowe, Umbra, Rhihi, Velge, Dusk, Malkako, and Erocia. When it comes to imitating Koichi, the best is Lowe, followed by Umbra, Erocia, Velge, Rhihi, Dusk, and then Malkako. This group is the least open to trusting new people, and it takes a long time to earn the full confidence of any member of the group, much less each Warrior of Darkness. They are all notably defensive over Erocia, and they fear death above all else. 

Warrior of Earth

This collective includes Chihiro Ayumu, the current vessel of Earth, along with Aeoel the Human Spirit, Cybele the Beast Spirit, and Yaia the Hybrid. The body has perfect balance and cannot be knocked over. They can smell better than most others and possess immense physical strength and stamina. They feel best when outdoors in particularly rocky environments. 

Chihiro

Chihiro generally keeps to themselves out of a pessimistic belief that the world is a difficult place to be in. They are incredibly stubborn about remaining detached from the rest of the world, often ignoring their issues until they blow up in their face. Chihiro is rather snarky and sarcastic, using jokes as a way to keep people from getting too close. They are independent but struggle to rely on others, and they can be rather temperamental when rubbed the wrong way. They walk with detached confidence as a way of silently keeping others at bay. 

Aeoel 

Aeoel is known for being snappish and almost rude at times, and they are blunt and honest in all situations. Their number one priority is self-preservation, and if they have to resort to being mean to do it, they will. They are caring deep down, but they prefer not to let emotions interfere with their work. They act as a bearer of trauma for the Ancient Warrior of Earth, recalling the life or death nature of the battle against Lucemon and the pain that came with the deaths of their comrades. For Chihiro, they are a defender who prevents others from crossing any lines. They walk roughly and heavily and have a broody aura about them. 

Cybele

Cybele is defensive in the same way that a caretaker is, and they care greatly for the other members of their collective. Despite their stoic nature, they act similar to a parent to the others found within the collective, doing what they must in order to keep everything running smoothly in and out of the group. Cybele represents the Ancient Warrior of Earth from times of chaos during the war when they worked to help others above all else. For Chihiro, Cybele is meant to act as something that they never had: parental connection. As such, they look after their host as they would their own child.

Yaia

Yaia has a strong sense of charisma and leadership, knowing how to get the attention of others and use it to their advantage. Despite having a laid back and casual personality, they know how to get down to business when needed, and they use their endless confidence to rally the spirits of those around them. Yaia acts as what the Warrior of Earth was before the war, always looking on the bright side and believing that everything would work out fine despite evidence to the contrary. For Chihiro, Yaia is meant to represent an ideal that they always wanted to reach, and they're incredibly similar to Chihiro’s best friend from childhood (Takuya).

Earth Collective

The Warriors of Earth rarely get into disputes with one another and act as a family of sorts. Even though Aeoel and Yaia are polar opposites in many respects, they still get along well and look after one another through thick and thin. When there are issues among the members of the group, Cybele takes on the role of a mediator and calms things down before anything can go too far or cause serious damage to their relationships. Aeoel is the most prominent out of the group’s members, and Yaia follows them while Cybele takes up the rear. The order is the same as far as imitating Chihiro is concerned as well. Despite what one would expect, it takes a while to earn their trust as a whole, though Yaia is the most open to accepting the good found in others.

Warrior of Wood

This collective includes Yumiko Mihara, the current vessel of Wood, and Fiore the Human Spirit, Calanthe the Beast Spirit, and Lyseir the Hybrid. The body possesses a natural ability to ease the worries of others, eliminating panic easily. They have a natural green thumb as well and can talk to plants in a limited capacity. They feel best when outdoors in areas with many plants. 

Yumiko

Yumiko is rather shy and reclusive, preferring to spend time alone rather than with others. She has an incredible sense of compassion that can overwhelm her if she isn’t careful. She tends to repress her emotions rather than expressing them out of a wish to not inconvenience others. Yumiko is naturally graceful and elegant as well, easily earning the trust of others even if she isn’t enthusiastic to hand out faith of her own. She possesses a naturally calming presence. Yumiko tends to somewhat hide herself when in control, rarely making eye contact unless she trusts the other party greatly. 

Fiore 

Fiore is a dreamer above all else, tending to drift through life without a care in the world. She is a wonderful dancer and always seems to be moving rhythmically or humming a song. Fiore is a representation of the Ancient Warrior of Wood’s past as a performer prior to the fighting starting. She also acts as a manifestation of the person Yumiko was prior to her trauma. Fiore glides everywhere that she goes, and she has a relaxing aura that can almost put others to sleep. She’s also an incredible singer, putting even Yumiko, another talented performer, to shame. 

Calanthe

Calanthe is incredibly shy and tends to avoid speaking with people where possible. She’s very easy to overwhelm and absolutely detests being touched. She enjoys writing poetry and taking care of plants and animals, operating under the logic that none of those things can hurt her. Calanthe is the manifestation of trauma and grief from the Ancient Warrior of Wood, leaving her as a hollow shell of her former self. She’s the embodiment of Yumiko’s fears, prompting her to be easily frightened and agitated by Yumiko’s triggers involving assault. She moves quickly in an attempt to keep from being touched and speaks softly and carefully, sometimes stammering if she’s particularly nervous. 

Lyseir

Lyseir is proud and firm in herself, possessing a confidence that many others lack. She exudes an aura of pure power, the type of boldness found only on the battlefield. She can be rather morbid without meaning to, saying something casually tragic like it’s nothing due to her experience in combat. Lyseir personifies the Ancient Warrior of Wood’s battlefield prowess and preparedness from the early days of the war with Lucemon. In Yumiko, Lyseir is an ideal companion, the type of person who can defend her from anything negative. She walks confidently and at her own pace, making others wait for her rather than the other way around.

Wood Collective

The group rarely argues, if ever, possessing incredible skills of communication that allow them to easily understand each other. Fiore is the most prominent followed by Lyseir and finally Calanthe. Fiore is also the best at pretending to be Yumiko, but Calanthemon is second in this category, leaving Lyseir last. Lyseir protects everyone in times of turmoil while Fiore cheers them up in dark moments. Calanthe soothes the group similarly to Fiore, but her primary job is to keep Yumiko from giving in to her overpowering empathy and spiraling as a result. 

Warrior of Water

This collective includes Hinoka Sakatami, the current vessel of Water, and Oceania the Human Spirit, Aquaria the Beast Spirit, and Cerulea the Hybrid. The body can see, breathe, and hear perfectly underwater, leaving them immune to drowning. They feel at their strongest when in the presence of water, and they heal quickly when completely submerged in liquid. They also enjoy rainy weather. 

Hinoka

Hinoka is gentle and jittery, often keeping others away out of a fear of getting hurt. She is open about her anxiety and doesn’t even try to hide it when she’s struggling. Hinoka finds herself to be weak and longs to be strong without being nervous over how others feel about her. She is incredibly emotional both for herself and others, but she has a lot of compassionate energy that doesn’t seem to have a place to go. Hinoka is very kind as well, almost to the point of naivete. She moves quickly and awkwardly, and she often seems rather jumpy. 

Oceania

Oceania is a shy and soft-spoken person, and she struggles greatly with anxiety and the fear that comes with being around others. She takes a long time to open up to others, believing that it’s rare for other people to be worthy of hearing about her struggles. In the Warrior of Water, Oceania acts as a manifestation of youth from before she had a sense of confidence and struggled greatly with self-esteem. For Hinoka, Oceania holds anxiety and fear, and Oceania bears part of Hinoka’s trauma so that the vessel of the system doesn’t have to. She speaks the least out of the group’s members.

Aquaria

Aquaria is described by many as the manifestation of strength, rarely allowing the words of others to get to her. She has an undying sense of confidence and faith in herself, and she helps out others with a heart that many would describe as endlessly noble. For the Warrior of Water, Aquaria reflects her personality during the war when she completed her journey of self-discovery and set out to aid those who were struggling under the weight of the fighting. For Hinoka, Aquaria is an ideal that she longs to reach but finds to be impossible, leading to Hinoka admiring the Beast Spirit of Water greatly.

Cerulea

Cerulea has a maternal aura that allows her to easily connect to others. Many find her to be easy to trust, and she is seen as a shoulder to cry on when times grow to be difficult. She has a naturally soothing presence to counteract the stress placed on other members of the group. For the Ancient Warrior of Water, Cerulea acts as the halfway point between Oceania and Aquaria when she was focusing on finding herself in the final days leading up to the battle with Lucemon. In Hinoka’s case, Cerulea is the mother figure that Hinoka always wanted but never got due to her mother’s various personality flaws.

Water Collective

All four of the Warriors of Water are very close, and they rely on each other through thick and thin. They never get into arguments since they simply understand one another well and know how to talk out issues when they arise. Since they can soothe one another’s anxieties well, the Warriors of Water help to ensure that Hinoka doesn’t fall apart under her issues with stress, greatly improving their shared quality of life and mitigating the impacts of severe anxiety and depression. Oceania is the best at imitating while Aquaria is the worst, leaving Cerulea to rest in the middle. Prominence is a different story entirely though, and Cerulea is the most prominent most of the time followed by Aquaria and then Oceania. 

Warrior of Steel

This collective includes Saki Fushida, the current vessel of Steel, and Lyra the Human Spirit, Onyx the Beast Spirit, Aeris the Hybrid, Seraphi the Hope Celestial, Ophani the Light Celestial, and Cherubi the Destiny Celestial. The body can read minds and move small objects, though the ability is limited and can induce severe migraines if care is not used. They can also touch electronics and immediately access the data contained within. Their memory is also above average. They feel best when the presence of excessive amounts of metal. 

Saki

Saki is a distant strategist, always wanting to find the best solution to a situation. They care about survival more than anything else, and they refuse to hurt others unless the person in question is a threat to Saki or those around them. They hide their emotions as a defense mechanism, unwilling to show weakness in case those they distrust exploit it. Saki struggles to open up to others, but their intelligence and quick thinking is second to none. They always move with a purpose, shoulders pressed back and watching everyone critically to frighten those who may pose a threat to them. 

Lyra 

Lyra is emotionless at a first glance, always viewing situations from a pragmatic and logical eye. They have an incredible natural feel for tactics and strategy, and they often notice even the smallest actions and note what they mean about a person. Lyra is the manifestation of the Ancient Warrior of Steel during the war against Lucemon, reflecting their stoicism as the team’s strategist. For Saki, Lyra is the embodiment of a wish for survival, and they will do anything to ensure that prolonged safety is secured. They move stiffly and tend to glare without meaning to. 

Onyx 

Onyx has immense ambition and a powerful sense of what is right and wrong. They want to defend those who have been hurt by others, and they detest those who misuse their positions of power to harm those around them. They act as a defender of the weak when given the chance. Onyx reflects the Ancient Warrior of Steel’s righteous anger at Lucemon and others who willingly inflict pain on others. In Saki, Onyx acts as an idol figure who will keep them safe from the pain that others have caused them. They move quickly and with purpose. 

Aeris 

Aeris is easily the most passionate and emotional out of the Warriors of Steel. They fully understand the wide range of emotion and how to properly utilize it. They are a strong leader and know how to appeal to both the emotional and logical sides of others. Aeris is the personification of the Ancient Warrior of Steel at their peak before their death when they acted as the leader of the Legendary Warriors. In Saki, Aeris embodies the feelings that Saki spent many years repressing and ignoring in favor of control. Aeris moves with a sense of casual authority.

Seraphi 

Seraphi is the personable type, and he excels in strategy as well. He’s caring as well, believing that all creatures are deserving of care. He has a fatherly aura, and he often attempts to understand the perspectives of others. Seraphi has an interest in reading. Since he is not a direct Legendary Warrior, Seraphi does not embody anything in the Ancient Warrior of Steel or Saki. Instead, he simply holds all of the memories of Seraphimon from the Digital World after Saki scanned his memory data. He walks with an air of authority. 

Ophani 

Ophani is charismatic and confident, knowing what she wants and how to get it. She’s elegant and tends to attract the admiration of others without even trying. She’s a natural leader and can easily get others on her side regardless of the situation. Ophani cares greatly for those around her and will do what she can to cheer them up when possible. She is not connected to an Ancient Legendary Warrior or Saki, instead only manifesting as the memories of Ophanimon prior to Saki’s scanning of her data. She is known to have a motherly aura. 

Cherubi

Cherubimon is the shyest and most reclusive out of the Celestial Three. He tends to keep to himself and is rather passive. He dislikes conflict but suffers from an awful sense of paranoia that can leave him worried and anxious. Cherubi wants the best for others but isn’t the best when it comes to expressing his emotions. He lacks a connection to an Ancient Legendary Warrior, and he isn’t linked to Saki either. Instead, he holds the memories of Cherubimon from before he was scanned. He moves slowly and avoids eye contact. 

Steel Collective

There are rarely issues of dispute between the members of the Steel group. Lyra is most prominent in the group followed by Aeris, Onyx, Ophani, Seraphi, and finally Cherubi. Aeris is the best at acting in Saki’s place followed by Lyra, Onyx, Ophani, Seraphi, and Cherubi. The Celestial Three are nowhere near as prominent as the Warriors of Steel, often preferring to stick to their own devices. There is communication among all of them, but the Celestial Three spend more time with each other than the Warriors of Steel when push comes to shove. 

Warrior of Energy

This collective includes Mayumi Reiku, the current vessel of Energy, and Kiris the Human Spirit, Sheyu the Beast Spirit, and Aether the Hybrid. The body is naturally energetic and can operate incredibly well even under stressful circumstances. They also have incredible speed and can sense the chaos and energy found inside a person. They can give limited doses of energy to those around them, and they feel at their strongest along other energetic people. 

Mayumi

Mayumi has more energy than she knows what to do with, and she’s incredibly chipper. She’s incredibly optimistic and has a natural way of rallying others to look at the bright side of a situation. She often takes risks without thinking the consequences through, leading to her being somewhat clumsy and disorganized. Mayumi has a short attention span as well, but she always puts her heart into something when it captures her full focus, and she’s filled to the brim with love. She moves quickly and practically never stops moving, always fidgeting with a small toy if she can. 

Kiris 

Kiris is an unapologetic trickster who doesn’t care what others think of her in the slightest. She’s hyperactive and bubbly, and she almost never stops moving. She has a strong sense of humor and always knows just how to cheer others up. Kiris acts as the manifestation of the Ancient Warrior of Energy’s youngest years before she found a purpose with her allies. For Mayumi, Kiris reflects childhood and optimism prior to when Mayumi suffered abuse at the hands of her mother. Kiris moves similarly to Mayumi, but she never stops smiling regardless of the situation.

Sheyu 

Sheyu is rather somber and expresses guilt and detachment from the rest of the world. She fears being a burden and wants to be as productive as can be for the sake of satisfying others. Sheyu is an extreme contrast from the others under the Energy name and is calm and self-deprecating by comparison. For the Ancient Warrior of Energy, Sheyu is the manifestation of guilt prior to her betrayal of her allies to side with Lucemon. In Mayumi, Sheyu holds negative emotions regarding the way that Mayumi was treated and cast aside throughout childhood. Sheyu moves and talks far slower than anyone else in the group. 

Aether 

Aether is confident and outgoing, putting her all into the subjects that she cares for. She is charming and can be a bit of a flirt at times, playing around with others as a way of getting them where she wants. Aether cares for those around her though, and she wants to keep them safe. She manifests the Ancient Warrior of Energy’s endless love for the rest of her team. As far as Mayumi is concerned, Aether is a protective figure, the type that Mayumi idolized for being strong throughout her youth. She walks the fine line between Kiris’ speed and Sheyu’s slowness when it comes to movements. 

Energy Collective

The four get along well and bounce off each other rather well. They know how to lift one another up when they’re down, taking their unique perspectives and helping one another through them. Kiris is the best at imitating Mayumi followed by Aether and then Sheyu. The order of prominence is the same, starting with Kiris before shifting to Aether and finally Sheyu. During negative times, Sheyu’s prominence rises because she’s closer to Mayumi when she has an awful issue with her mental health. They talk to themselves a lot since they’re mostly energetic and upbeat. 

Warrior of Cosmos

This collective includes Haroi Tsurumaki, the current vessel of Cosmos, and Orion the Human Spirit, Cygnus the Beast Spirit, and Sirius the Hybrid. The body is usually calm and also operates well despite outside stressors. They have an amazing capacity for knowledge and an incredible memory. They are drawn to areas of peace and can sense a person’s balance. They naturally calm those around them without needing to try. They feel best in spaces far from others, especially if the sky is easily visible. 

Haroi

Haroi is relaxed and calm, always thinking through every situation that comes his way. He’s logical and quiet, preferring to observe rather than act. He enjoys seeing the people that he loves happy more than anything else, and he’ll do what he can to cheer them up. Haroi often worries about bothering others though, and he sometimes makes excuses when others hurt him due to his low self-esteem. He tends to get caught up in his head a bit much at times, causing him to often stay within the confines of his comfort zone. He’s focused when in control, and he can be spotted due to his habits of people watching. 

Orion

Orion is endlessly curious about the world around him, and he tends to talk to himself almost constantly. He yearns to figure out more about how various things work, and he loves fiddling with both technology and scientific subjects, though astrology is his favorite topic for obvious reasons. In the Ancient Warrior of Cosmos, Orion shows off how he behaved in his youth before the war disturbed his years of development. Orion is a manifestation of how Haroi would have acted if not for his trauma as well with Orion showing signs of being outgoing despite Haroi’s introverted nature. 

Cygnus

Cygnus is the most outgoing out of the members of the group, and he isn’t afraid to speak his mind, though he’s always careful to be respectful to those around him. He has endless energy and practically never stops moving and spending time with others unless he hits the point of crashing. He’s the best at handling social situations since everyone else in his collective is so shy. For the Ancient Warrior of Cosmos, Cygnus reflects the charisma and respect he needed as a general in the early days as a war. For Haroi, Cygnus is an ideal that he wishes he could reach, causing him to admire Cygnus greatly.

Sirius

Sirius is introverted and quiet, greatly enjoying reading and writing in his free time. He is more than content with his own company despite easily getting along with others. He is also analytical and logical, easily able to find answers to puzzles that have no solutions at a first glance. For the Ancient Warrior of Cosmos, Sirius is a manifestation of a need for self-preservation born of the war’s existence, something that ultimately led to the Warrior of Cosmos turning traitor before being killed by Lucemon. For Haroi, Sirius holds negative memories of the past, most notably those involving his insecurity after his mother abandoned him.

Cosmos Collective

The members of the Cosmos Collective mesh well and are easily able to communicate their problems thanks to their desire to avoid long-running conflict. Even though most of them are quiet, Cygnus still gets along with the other members of the group, always willing to pull them out of their shell when they need it most while still respecting their boundaries. Sirius is the best at pretending to be Haroi followed by Orion and finally Cygnus. On the other hand, Cygnus is the most prominent with Orion in the middle and Sirius at the end of the list. They all share love of the world around them, and they have a common hobby in stargazing due to their elemental affinity.

Warrior of Heaven

The Warrior of Heaven refers to the combined might of all of the Legendary Warriors when placed together. They share fragmented memories of Susanoo, the Warrior of Heaven, and Luce, the Angel of Hell, that grow stronger when they are near one another. 

Even when separated, the Warriors all share similar passive effects on their bodies. They are able to understand animals when they focus enough due to their inherent connection to nature. They develop muscle faster than normal humans as well, and they rarely tire despite their differing levels of stamina. The Warriors can all sense one another’s presence as well, and they can temporarily indulge in the passive abilities of the others if they put enough effort towards it. Being able to sense one another and use the abilities of the others are both side effects of becoming Susanoomon and merging to become one being temporarily. These effects are all permanent. 

Susanoo

Susanoo has a strong sense of justice and is very rarely deterred by any of the ups and downs of life. They are eternally confident and get along with others well. While all of the members of the group hold fragments of Susanoo that reflect their power and loyalty through their own personalities, the strength of Susanoo grows when they are together. They are all bound by Susanoo’s thread between them, and while Susanoo lacks the ability to take control, the various Legendary Warriors are able to share thoughts when they are close enough physically as a full group of twelve. Susanoo is characterized by all of the group’s members talking in sync, though this is incredibly rare.

Luce

Luce is the complete opposite of Susanoo. Rather than being passionate and confident, Luce is detached and quiet, rarely finding interaction with others to be worth their time. Unlike the Digimon they are based on, Luce isn’t downright malicious, instead simply choosing to keep to themselves. Since they are scattered into fragments across the Legendary Warriors, Luce is nowhere near as prominent as the others, and they even lack strength in comparison to Susanoo. When Luce is in control, the group also talks in sync, though this is even rarer to see than Susanoo being in full dominion of the Warrior of Heaven. 

Heaven Collective

As a whole, the Legendary Warriors have a powerful dynamic, something that can be shown through their connections of Susanoo and Luce. Susanoo is the stronger out of the two by far, and their sense of justice can be seen in all twelve of the Legendary Warriors thanks to the time when they united as the Warrior of Heaven. Luce is benevolent and quiet, though since they are less open with their emotions, they tend to slip between the cracks. The prerequisites for the members of the Heaven Collective to appear and take control are already notably difficult to overcome, causing Luce to be widely unheard and unseen.

[tsarinastorm]

Season 7-Adam Sackler/Reader-Chapter 2

Word count: 3.5k

Ratings: Explicit.

Chapter 1

Adam watches you walk away stunned, and he is fuming at Jessa. He feels like breaking something. Right now. Fuckin’shit. He gets up to leave, pushing his chair out aggressively, once outside he screams. He turns arounds and sees the last person he wants to be near right now: Jessa.

“She was a fucking bitch. I did you a favor. It never would have worked anyway,” she says as she cools takes a puff of her cigarette.

“No, Jessa you’re the fucking bitch here! You only think of yourself and you need to make sure that everyone around you is just as fucking miserable as you are! Dammit! You destroy everything you touch!”

               He punches the closest brick wall, and his hand begins to bleed. That is going to hurt in the morning, he thinks. Jessa throws the cig down, and grabs his injured hand with one of her hands, then touches his face with her other hand.

“Listen, Adam. We have a connection, something that no one else has or understands. That has to mean something, and you know it.”

“Jessa, the only connection we have is common unhealthy behaviors, Hannah-hating, and fucking. The only thing we’ve had left out of those for a long time is fucking and now we won’t have that! You’ve humiliated me, which tells me everything I need to know about how you really feel about me!”

Jessa looks like she’s trying not to cry while simultaneously being infuriated. Adam stalks off thinking to himself that he’s blown his chance with his dream girl. Jessa runs after him saying, “Adam, come back!”

“I should have said this long ago: I never want to see you again Jessa!”

Apparently the last comment was enough to stop Jessa from trailing behind him. He hadn’t been this tempted to drink in years. He reminds himself that he has auditions coming up and he can’t risk his career, or it will all be worth nothing. He’s sure him becoming a drunk mess won’t help him win over Y/N.  Imploding the rest of his life won’t fix the situation. He then remembers that he has Y/N’s number, and he smirks. He won’t call Y/N tonight or tomorrow because she probably needs time to cool off, but he will get a hold of her, hope is not lost.

It had been four days since your explosive conversation with Adam. For the first two days, you had heard nothing and that was oddly comforting. The silence allowed you to work on forgetting how you had felt about him, and gave your attraction to him time to cool. All of that was lost on the third day, when he began calling you. You know it was him because he’d now left you eleven voicemails asking to talk, or for you to call him back, both requests were accompanied by streams of curse words and the sound of things breaking in the background.

There is a part of you that wants to breakdown and reach out to him, to see where this connection goes. But the rational part of you refuses to go down that road. If he could do that to Hannah, he could do that to you. You know tons of details about his relationship with Hannah because of her writing, and you know it was full of issues. Then there was the apparent soap level drama of Adam and Jessa, then throw Hannah into the mix, and you’d be asking for a load of headaches. You also considered just hooking up with him because you had never felt such a raw desire for a man, you tried to convince yourself that you could fuck him and get it out of your system. You subsequently reminded yourself that you’d likely not be able to stop at just one time, and you’d be directly inserting yourself into that mess. You could be just friends with him, but you knew you’d likely only feel stronger about him than you already did and you’d end up getting hurt.

You put your internal dialogue aside as you adjust your skirt, and make your way from your first meeting of the day: your editor. The conversation went as it did typically. She had suggestions for your work that is about to be published, and you made notes from her grammar checks. Now to meet with your agent, even though you knew what that meeting would consist of: planning the new book tour, promotional schedules, paired with strong hints for you to immediately start writing your next work.

“Y/N! Y/N” You hear and turn around to see Adam following you. Great, guess there goes your whole plan of ignoring him and continuing to repress your feelings. He catches up to you easily.

“Are you stalking me? How did you know I’d be here?” you say in an annoyed voice. You’d read Hannah’s works and you knew all about how he would just turn up in places she’d be. Now you think that you must be his new target. How were supposed to ignore him and move on when he refused to give you space.

“I googled you and I found out who your agent was, and figured there was a good chance that you’d be around her office.” He says as he keeps walking with you, your attempts to outwalk him fail because his long legs make it easy for him to keep pace with you. He keeps on talking as you say nothing.

“Look, I am so sorry for what Jessa did. That’s a bad situation but it’s over now. It has been over for a long time. I should have told you who I was to begin with, I’m sorry for that but I was afraid you’d shut me out. I was right about that part.”

“Adam, I really don’t want to be involved in your melodrama. It’s not my thing. It has never been my thing, and it will never be my thing. You must know that this can go nowhere, I’m friends with Hannah, and I know way more about your relationship than anyone should. I guess I’ll see you when I see you.” You walk away. Once you’re a reasonable distance away, you look back and notice that he stopped following you. You feel bad and you kind of wanted him to keep following you, but you know it’s for the best.

After being pushed away by Y/N, Adam goes to the only person he thinks can help. And one of the people who doesn’t want to get involved: Hannah. He figures maybe Hannah can give him advice, console him or something. Now, he’s sitting her apartment again watching as Grover plays with some baby blocks. Hannah hands him a glass of milk and sits down.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on, Adam? Or do I have to guess?”

“Hannah, I really fucked things up with Y/N. I saw her today and she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”

“Having one of your ‘exes’ drop bombshells on her in a public place is probably not a good way to start a relationship.  I’m sure she’ll cool down with time. She’s really guarded, I’m her friend and I never know what she really thinks or feels. I’ll get hints from her writing but aside from that, she usually keeps it all to herself.”

“I know if I could just get her to talk to me, or really listen, things could work. Hannah, I know I’ve only known her for a short time and only scratched the surface, but I already feel things for her that I never thought I could feel. I’m going fucking insane here.”

“Look if you want to talk to her, or more precisely, talk at her: we have writing group tomorrow. Just stop by after. I’ll be there and maybe that will make her more agreeable to hear you out.”

Adam nods his head and thinks that may work, or it may make Y/N think he’s more a stalker than she already does.  He supposes that’s a risk he’ll have to take. He can’t get her off of his mind.

“But before we agree to go through with this, are things really over with you and Jessa? Because I’m not going out on a limb to get my friend to give you another chance if you’re going to run back to Jessa in a few months after your first fight.”

“It’s really over, I let it continue for too long anyway. I told her that we had no real connection and I never want to see her again. I’m pretty sure she’s skipped town like she always does when she’s fucked things up.”

“I’m holding you to that Adam. I’m doing this because you deserve to be happy too. I meant that when I told you at my party. I also think you and Y/N could be really happy together, but she is very stubborn so you’ll have to deal with that.” Adam can’t help but laugh at that. Both Hannah and Jessa were extremely stubborn and so was he. He knew he could work with stubborn.

You pull your jacket up closer around your neck as the wind blows and gives you a slight chill. You listen to Hannah go on and on about her current life dramas (something about a girl she knew from undergrad who’s been published, you think) and about how she worries about Grover. At least being around Hannah gets you out of your own head for a while as you were instantly sucked into her issues. When you look up, you see Adam walking your way. He must really be stalking you. You grit your teeth in response. Hannah speaks first.

“Hi, Adam!” Adam grumbles something in response to her as he focuses on you instead.

“Y/N, will you please just listen to me. We can talk over dinner or something. Whatever you want to do. If you never want to see me again after that, I’ll stay away.” Adam begs. You desperately try to look away. You can feel Hannah watching you, and you wonder why she is being so quiet about this. It’s her ex-boyfriend, begging you to spend time with him. Her silence is then broken as she turns to face you.

“Look, Y/N, just go to dinner with him. Even if you don’t want to, it may be the only way to get him to leave you alone.”

“Are you sure it’s okay with you? It’s not weird for you, or anything?”

“It’s totally fine. Adam and I are friends now. You and I are friends. I want you to go. Go, and have fun.”

Hannah waves you away and she goes in the other direction, leaving you and Adam alone. You look at Hannah as she walks away, then set your gaze back on Adam, “Fine. One dinner. Take me to a place that still serves breakfast. Breakfast food is my favorite, in case you care to know. And you have to promise to leave me the fuck alone after this if I ask you to.”

“Pinky promise.”

Adam nods, and offers you his pinky. You shake your head and start walking. Every time you think you have him figured out, you learn something about him that throws you for a loop. You and Adam make your way to a small diner in his part of Brooklyn. Neither of you talk along the way, but the tension can be felt in the air. The diner is certainly not what you were expecting at all. Adam said it’s one of his favorites, and you could see why. It looked homey, like the type of place you could find in any small town in America. It was a nice change from the normal tempo of New York’s restaurants. You order coffee, and a breakfast platter of bacon, and pancakes. Adam orders biscuits and gravy. When the waitress goes to the next table, you raise your eyebrows at Adam and say, “So start talking. Make me understand your past relationships and why I should give you a chance. Because I really don’t understand this insanity.”

He recounts his history with Hannah, the start as fuck buddies, and how that blossomed into a relationship. You’re shocked to learn that he was hit by a car while trying to get away from Hannah after she decided she didn’t want him to move in and blindsided him with the news at Jessa’s surprise wedding. She had left those details out of her writing. He talks about a girl named Natalia that he briefly dated who called him out in public but he probably deserved it, the next tale is him helping Hannah with her OCD, followed by his first role on Broadway, and Hannah’s unilateral decision to go to Iowa. Then he gets to a woman named Mimi Rose from Hannah’s time in Iowa and how she dumped him, and he gets to Jessa. You ask him to sum up his emotions for both of them. You can’t help but worry that he’ll one day go back to Jessa or Hannah, and if you’re going to move forward in anyway, you need to know his feelings. You sat and listened to quietly until now, and you were entitled to one question.

“Can you tell me how you feel about both of those relationships now?” You finally ask in a voice that’s soft, not combative.

“What Hannah and I had was real and intense. Because of the intensity, I think we both held on longer than what was healthy, or at least, I did. I assumed what if it was real, it meant it was forever. I liked that she needed me, and she’s a bit self-centered so as soon as I did my own thing, she checked out. We both were attached to ‘us’ for the wrong reasons and ultimately kept each other from growing.”

“I actually understand that. It’s easy to think that because you feel something real it can’t go away or change. And it’s understandable that the intensity of your feelings can blind you to reality. Happens to people all of the time.”

“Has it happened to you, too?”

“Since you’ve been honest about this, I’ll be honest too. Yes, there was a guy I fell for, hard. We were on-again, off-again. It was real love: passionate, poetic, and raw, et cetera. It didn’t work out, we were always on different pages, but for the longest time I thought it would somehow last, that somehow it would all work out in the end. Then once I was outside of it for long enough, I realized it wasn’t healthy and you can love someone deeply and they can still not be the love of your life, or the one you’re meant to end up with. Tell me about Jessa.”

“Jessa and I bonded over our addictions right after Hannah dumped me. We understood each other and we both wanted to screw over Hannah. We encouraged each other’s bad habits; it was like when two fucking hurricanes meet. Or fire and powder as Shakespeare would say. I mistook our similarities for compatibility. It was like seeing yourself in another person and it seemed right for a while, but I was really seeing all the worst parts of myself being reflected back at me. I ended our relationship a long time ago but she would turn up at my place, and I would let her stay, regret it, then the cycle would repeat. I let her stay because it was easier than finding something real, or something good with someone else.”

“And it was easier than being alone, right?” He looks at you and nods. You feel the warmth of the back of his hand gently brush yours. Still feels like electricity as it had when he touched your knee that night in the bar. You find your hand moving towards his without permission. The waitress then sits down the check in between you and that action breaks the spell, you move your hand away swiftly.

“So what are you guys now then?”

“Nothing now, we’re completely over. I told her I never want to see her again that night at Hannah’s party after what she did. She’s skipped town like she normally does once she’s ruined someone’s life.”

“How do you know that you won’t end up in the same cycle again with Jessa or Hannah?”

“Because I only want you. I know what better is now.”

“Well my opinion is still the same. I don’t want that drama and I won’t ruin my friendship for a man. But maybe one day it will work out. I’ll stay open to that possibility, just not now. I mean we can still talk and stuff, just no relationship.” He walks you back to your apartment, your shoulders can’t help but bump into each other along the way. He begins singing some ridiculous song that he said he had to sing once at an audition. When you arrive at your building, you turn back to him and give him a weak smile.

“See you around, Adam.”

“See ya around, kid.”

You’re running later than what you’d like, but it’s a Saturday morning so you decide that it’s not that big of a deal. As you exit your building, you see a tall, broad shouldered man with dark hair leaning against the gate. You think he looks a lot like Adam from behind but you think it can’t be him. Adam would have no reason to be here. The man turns around when he hears you approach.

“Adam, what are you doing here?”

“I came to see you, obviously. What are you doing today?”

“Just errands…what is your deal? Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“You know what. Waiting outside my building to see me.”

“I happen to really fucking like you and I want to spend time with you. I want to know more about you and you said we could still talk,” he informs you in an exasperated voice as he moves his hands to emphasize his point.

“I’m not interested in anything romantic. I just can’t do that. I can’t sacrifice who I am. But we can be friends, I suppose. And I did say we could talk… You can join me if you promise to behave.”

“Scout’s honor”

“Were you even a scout?” He laughs and shakes his head no. The two of you begin your day. You go to the grocery store where you learn that he really loves milk for some reason, and you tell him that you have no domestic skills at all as you pick up some microwave dinners. You buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, then he pulls out one bloom and puts it behind your ear so it rests against your hair. When you’re looking around at a market, he mentions again that he can make furniture. You sit down at a little café and you each grab a quick sandwich. Then he asks you why you ghostwrite when you’re already successful.

“As a matter of fact, I happen to ghostwrite because it gives me a change of pace, and a way to get out of my own head for a while. It’s a great cure for writer’s block. It also pays well and I happen to like the supplemental funds in my bank account…Now I can ask you about your career since you opened up the door.” You say as you take a bite.

“That is how a conversation typically works, Y/N…SHIT! They put mustard on my sandwich.”

You ignore his outburst and continue with your question, “How do you choose your roles? You clearly don’t do traditional or mainstream.”

“I look for something that makes me feel something, something that’s real. You know the kind of thing that people can watch, feel it deep down, and it stays in their minds for a while. For me, that is art, and isn’t that the point of it all?” You ponder that answer for a minute before moving on.

“What’s your biggest fear?”

He thinks about his answer for a minute he leans in towards you as he reveals, “To live a life that’s meaningless, to sell myself out.”

Wow, you weren’t expecting him to go that deep, you lean in, putting your elbows on the small table in front of you and look at him to decipher if he was being a sarcastic ass or being serious. His hands shake your arms and he looks you straight into your eyes with his amber ones as they bore into you, he adds, “What’s your biggest fear, kid?”

“Kid? Are you ever going to explain that nickname? I fear failure more than anything. I also fear that one day I’ll wake up, be old, and realize that I’ve never did all things I wanted to do and it’s too late.”

“Then make sure you do all of those things now.”

You slowly make your way back to your apartment building as the two of you chitchat the whole way, you don’t want the conversation to end. You enjoy Adam’s presence more than you would ever openly admit. Today was a really good day. When you get to your door, Adam catches you off-guard by leaning in and gently kissing your forehead. He then turns and walks away. You’re half infuriated that he kissed you, thereby breaking the friend thing you’d agreed on, and the other half of you wanted to melt into him or chase after him for a real kiss. Instead, you turn the door into your apartment.

You feel Adam’s cock thrusting into you from behind, his pelvis grinding into your ass, while you’re on your hands and knees below him. His finger crush into your hips so deep that you’re sure that you’ll have bruises there for the next few days. Then as one hand remains on your hip, the other hand slaps your ass with a whack! You can’t help but moan and ask for another one, harder than the first. He switches hands and slaps the other side of your ass. You can feel your orgasm building as the pleasure increases and you feel your hips buck back into him as his hips slam into yours, forming a rhythm. You hear him groan in your ear, and it sounds delicious. He reaches his hand down to play with your clit, and you moan loudly and place your hand over his as you rock into his cock and hand. Your climax is moments away and you can feel your muscles clench, and you swear you can taste the pleasure.

Then you wake up, alone in your bed. You’re dripping wet from your dream, and you have your thighs pressed together for some friction.

Jesus

, you think, you need to get this out of your system. Isn’t it enough that Adam has taken over your waking thoughts, but now he’s taken over your dream conscious as well? You knew you shouldn’t have gone to dinner with him, you knew this would happen. You were falling for him, and you couldn’t stop yourself.

@og-selene @shesakillerkween

[greivous-bodily-harm]

five years

title: five years

pairing: bellamy blake x clarke griffin

setting: (current) clarke’s pov, somewhere between 6x10 and 6x11

prompt: time travel where the present bellarke comes across future bellarke and madness ensues

notes: ok so posted this and then it deleted itself when i went to add a tag which - first off all, rude - second, is hella annoying bc i didn’t actually save the doc i typed it in buttttt using my superior intellect (which is my nickname for google) i was able to recover the doc and i actually saved it this time but hopefully it doesn’t delete itself again.

 anyway, here it is:

Clarke, frankly, finds it quite hard to believe. I mean, it’s insane right? Sure, they’ve been through hell and back, and they’ve seen some weird shit in their time but… time travel? That’s too far, even for her. And yet, there she is, future her.

“Wait,” Bellamy, who had been sitting on a rock with his head in his hands the whole time, finally stands, “so you’re… us… from the future?”

Future Bellamy and Clarke sigh frustratedly.

“Yes,” she replies, “I know it’s confusing and weird and completely impossible but honestly the quicker you wrap your head around this, the better.”

“Ok,” Clarke scoffs, “no need to get bitchy.”

“Yeah,” both Bellamys agree at once.

“On second thought,” Clarke looks between the two, “I might need another minute to get my head around this too.”

“Come on,” Future Clarke insists, “I don’t how much time we have!”

“She’s right,” Future Bellamy stands next to her and slides his hand into hers, “we need to figure this out. Now.”

Clarke turns to them, “ok, but if you don���t know how this happened, then how can you know that it’s really that dangerous.”

The two time travellers exchange a look. Finally, Future Clarke speaks up, “there are certain things we know that we can’t tell you. All you need to know is that this is a time-sensitive issue and we need to figure out how to get ourselves back home.”

“Ok,” Bellamy walks forward, beginning to pace in that familiar way that means he’s brainstorming, “first of all: where is home for you guys? Second: when is home? Third… I still don’t understand what the fuck is going on.”

They exchange glances again, “home is the Eligius ship, five years from now.”

Clarke coughs, “I’m sorry, did you say the Eligius ship? Again? Mind giving some clarification as to how the fuck we ended up back on there?”

Future Bellamy runs his fingers through his hair, “listen, it’s like Clarke said – Future Clarke, sorry – we don’t know how much time we have before things start… going wrong.”

“Going wrong?” Bellamy’s brows furrow in confusion. Just as he says this, both Clarkes double over in pain. Clarke’s hit with a sharp stabbing pain in her gut, she feels like she’s going to throw up, or spontaneously combust, or both.

“The baby,” Future Clarke whispers as both Bellamys reach for their respective Clarkes.

“Wait,” both Clarke and Bellamy pause, “did you just say baby?”

Future Clarke nods weakly as both Clarkes sit down. And she just can’t help it, Clarke blurts out, “whose baby?”

Future Clarke doesn’t answer, simply looking between the two Bellamys.

Clarke and Bellamy’s eyes widen with shock. She looks up at the same time he looks down at her and their gazes meet and she doesn’t know what to do with this information. In the future, she’s going to be pregnant with Bellamy’s baby?

“Not if we don’t sort this out,” Future Clarke answers her thought. Clarke stares in horror, can you hear me? She nods.

“Why can’t I hear you?” Clarke begins to ask but she’s distracted by the Bellamys apparently locked in a furious head conversation.

“You can if you try hard enough,” Future Clarke assures her, stealing back her attention. Clarke strains her head and manages to pick up the faintest whisper. Soon, the whisper turns into a clear voice. Her voice. But not quite her.

I know he’s ridiculously hot in that Sanctum jacket but can you please stop staring at Bellamy and focus up?

Clarke rolls her eyes.

Oh, fuck off!

“Just saying,” Future Clarke murmurs.

Clarke opens her mouth to retort but both are assaulted with another bout of agony. “Fuck!” both Clarkes groan simultaneously.

Future Clarke turns to her Bellamy, “we need to get home, I don’t know what’s happening but it’s not good for Helene.”

Before Bellamy or Clarke can ask anymore questions, Octavia comes striding into the tent. “Hey guys, Gabriel and I ar- What the fuck?” she drops off, looking up to see the two sets of doppelgangers.

Clarke is about to explain but she realises she doesn’t really have an explanation for what’s happening right now, so she ends up babbling something like, “Octavia, this is me and Bellamy from five years in the future and future me is pregnant and we need to get them home but we don’t know how and also Bellamy’s the father.”

Octavia takes a few moments to clock this and then gives a small nod. “Ok,” she says slowly, “future you and Bellamy. Baby. Get home. Bellamy’s the father.” She stalls, only just realising the last thing she’d said, “Bellamy’s the father?”

“That’s what you’re dwelling on?” Future Bellamy asks incredulously. Clarke’s Bellamy just looks between the three of them looking more lost than Clarke thinks she’s ever seen him look.

Octavia brightens, “what about the anomaly?”

“Yes!” both Clarkes cry.

“That’s brilliant, O,” Future Bellamy smiles. Clark looks to her Bellamy who’s focusing real hard on a little spot in the corner of the floor, still, she can see the guilt hiding behind his outwardly neutral expression.

She reaches out to stroke his arm reassuringly, “come on. The anomaly will work.”

He nods, taking a moment to shove back the emotion that she can see threatening to spill out. “Yeah, it will.”

Totally not thinking about him like that at all

Shut up

I’m just sayin-

Shut. Up.

“You’re grumpy,” Future Clarke whispers as she walks past them.

Clarke doesn’t even deign it with a response. Why was she such a nag in the future? she wondered grumpily.

Heard that

Don’t care

“You coming, Octavia?” Bellamy asks tentatively.

She smiles sympathetically, “I don’t really think this is a journey for me. Gabriel’s out the front, though, he’ll tell you where to go but once you get to a certain point, the anomaly will start to call you itself. Promise you won’t go in there, though, ok? Just your future self.”

Bellamy nods solemnly, “I’ll see you later, Octavia. I promise.”

Clarke knows how hard this is for him, finding a way to forgive his sister whilst also not falling back into toxic patterns. It’s so hard but he’s so strong.

“Let’s go,” she whispers, taking his hand and walking out of the tent. Up ahead, she sees their future selves talking to a very confused looking Gabriel. He points North and Future Clarke and Bellamy look back to check on them.

“Right behind you,” Clarke assures them.

“You sure you know what you’re doing?” Gabriel pulls her aside.

“Nope, but what have we got to lose? Just our future.”

Gabriel gives a small laugh at that, shaking his head, “well, good luck.”

 After walking for about half an hour, the pain in Clarke’s gut is just getting progressively worse and she’s ready to just throw in the towel.

“Can we stop for just a minute?” she pants, bending over and bracing herself against a nearby tree. When she pulls her hand away, it comes back sticky and green. “What the hell is this stuff?”

“The anomaly,” Future Clarke whispers, “we must be close.”

Clarke nods, taking a deep inhale and standing up again, they have to keep moving. Bellamy reaches out to brush her arm.

“How you holding up?”

“Just fantastic,” she sighs. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t think babies are supposed to hurt this much unless you’re actually giving birth.”

“Gotta be honest,” he smiles softly, “I don’t know much about time travelling babies.”

She rolls her eyes, “neither. All I know is that they hurt like a bitch.”

He laughs and she grins up at him.

Kiss him

She shakes her head, averting her gaze and pressing forwards.

Butt out

Listen, I know the only reason you haven’t done it already is because you’re scared

You don’t know anything

She pressed on as if Clarke hadn’t said anything, but I can 100% tell you he wants to kiss you just as much as you want to kiss him – if not more, actually

You don’t know that for sure

Future Clarke rolls her eyes, wanna bet?

She turns to her Bellamy and tilts her head up, without even having to communicate, he leans down to meet her lips and leaves her with a soft but chaste kiss that looks it’s been done a thousand times before. Clarke and Bellamy shift uncomfortably.

“What’s up with them?” Future Bellamy whispers way too loudly.

His Clarke raises her eyebrows expectantly, waiting for him to bridge the gap by himself.

“Oh!” he gasps suddenly, “this is before… Oh! I understand now, this is why they’re being so weird.”

“We’re literally right here,” Clarke huffs.

“Kiss already!” her future self heckles. Clarke turns beet red, coughing. She’s so distracted by the crushing embarrassment she effectively thrust upon herself that she misplaces her foot and stumbles. Before she can hit the ground, two pairs of hands dart out to catch her. One pair quickly withdraws itself and she’s left standing in her Bellamy’s arms.

“Um,” she coughs again, making no attempt to move away from his grasp, “thanks.” She looks up again into those rich, brown eyes.

“No problem,” he whispers hoarsely. He opens his mouth to say something but is cut off by Future Bellamy whistling at them.

“Yoo hoo, lovebirds, we found it!”

Why is he calling us lovebirds? You two are literally the ones having a baby together, she grumbles.

Maybe you should ask your Bellamy, they are almost the same person after all

Clarke figures that’s the end of that conversation and rushes forwards to catch up to the other two, not needing to look back to know Bellamy is right behind her. They burst through a final row of trees into a clearing, ahead of them is a wall of Clarke can only describe as green light mist.

“This is it?” Clarke assumes it is because if it’s not the anomaly then what the fuck is it?

“This is it,” Future Bellamy confirms.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye then,” Clarke states with reluctance.

“I guess so,” the other her replies.

“It was really great to get to meet you – weird, but great,” Bellamy tells them, but he still sounds confused. Clarke doesn’t blame him, she feels the same way.

“I’m glad we got this opportunity,” Future Clarke concurs.

“Is it weird that I’m going to miss you guys?” Clarke asks.

“No, I feel the same.”

For some reason, Clarke feels herself holding back tears. Another sharp hit of pain in her gut cuts the goodbyes short, reminding them of the overwhelming time pressure.

She goes in to hug her other self, Future Clarke whispers in her ear, “remember what I said.” Clarke squeezes her back then pulls away, nodding.

Clarke stands back with Bellamy as the watch the couple who look so much like them, and yet so much different, walk hand-in-hand, disappearing amongst the green.

“How do we know if it worked?” Clarke whispers.

Bellamy grins and turns to face her, “we wait five years.”

Clarke laughs, “yeah. Five years.”

If Clarke has discovered anything from this experience, it’s that a lot can change in five years.

[coeurvrai]

Chapter 17 is a Serefin chapter and that - of course - means that we get yet another excerpt from the Book of Saints.

Svoyatova Violetta Zhestakova: When she was thirteen, Svoyatova Violetta Zhestakova led a Kalyazi army in the Battle of Relics in 1510. A cleric of Marzenya, Violetta was a ruthless killer who ultimately fell in battle, killed by the blood mage Apolonia Sroka.

Guess Kalyazin isn’t the only one who puts stupidly young people into positions of power. Just because Joan of Arc did it, doesn’t mean everyone should do it. Also she throws out dates like they’re supposed to mean something, except they don’t because we have no idea what the current time period is supposed to be. 

Also, saints are mostly mentioned in that the start of these chapters and really have no relevance to the story besides Religion and “don’t be a martyr”. Like the figures mentioned aren’t mentioned by the characters themselves - whether as warnings or examples or prayed to or whatever. What’s the point of having them in there - to the point that they are the title of your book - if you’re not gonna use them?

Not to harp on about how this is basically Grishaverse fanfiction, but the use of saints especially in relation to Inej is done far better than here.

Like you’d think since Nadya is a Cleric of Marzenya, she might think of Saint Violetta a lot more; considering it’s implied that Marzenya is a very special god to have as your patron, and that Violetta was younger than she was in being asked or forced to step up, as she was 13 at the time. Finding comfort and/or horror in the thought of Saint Violetta, asking for guidance, questioning how she dealt with the pressure and expectations of what she’s being asked to do.

But I digress.

This chapter starts off with Serefin, Ostyia, and Kacper killing time in the royal gardens as they wait for news about the salt mines, with jars of “krój” (I’m guessing a version for Grisha’s kvas? Cause according to Google and wiktionary, the word is Polish for fashion/cutting, so IDK). Serefin is putting off seeing his mum, no matter what he says, because he doesn’t think he will be able to keep things from her and he doesn’t think she will be able to keep things from his dad.

I don’t know why, cause I’m under the impression that his parents don’t like each other and are in an arranged, loveless marriage in which his mum spends as much time as possible away from the capital, but whatever.

So, instead of investigating the plots swirling thickly through the air of Grazyk just as heavy as its magic smog, Serefin did the one thing he knew best: consumed a fantastic amount of alcohol.

It was fitting assassins chose to strike that same evening.

Serefin, in reality, should be going to Tranavia’s version of rehab or AA or something and like getting some therapy for that PTSD, instead of getting drunk but alas. I also thought Serefin knew blood magic good too and military tactics, but ED keeps insisting on defining him by his glorified alcoholism.

Ostyia was the one to catch them, shooting to her feet and drawing the thin szitelki at her waist in one rapid motion.

The world spun dangerously as Serefin stood, but he shook it away, forcing himself sober. Well, as sober as possible.

“How on earth did they make it past the walls?” Kacper asked in disbelief.

Ostyia and Kacper both moved instinctively closer to Serefin, shielding him. A spinning dagger cut through the air toward him.

He saw the blade coming and ducked out of the way, his fingers already paging through his spell book without his mind following. He cut open his forearm on the razor in his sleeve and it bled profusely.

This action sequence confuses me because I don’t know how did Ostyia notice them? A flash of movement? Some clothing among the foliage? Footsteps? Is it night time? The gardens are described as “dark” so I’m going to assume yes but this might be a glasshouse sort of situation but everything is overcrowded in the gardens and so there’s less light cause plants are blocking out a lot of the light.

Like how am I supposed to be imagining this? Where are the assassins coming from?

Also “A spinning dagger cut through the air toward him, and he ducked out of the way”. Since this is Serefin’s perspective, the fact that the dagger is identified and described inherently implies that he’s noticed it, so you don’t need to point that out. At least, that’s what I think.

Serefin knocked her toward the one down the path as he crumpled a spell book page. His magic ignited and he let the assassin in front of him draw close before he lifted a hand and blew on his bloody fist. The paper crumbled into dust in his palm and shot in an acrid spray into the masked face of the assassin. When the dust hit, it burst into flames.

Why wouldn’t he just cut his finger or hand like normal? Also how does that work? Also the paper crumbled into magic dust and “shot in an acrid spray”??? How does that work? Is that supposed to say acid spray? Is it supposed to function like poison spray in D&D? WHAT ARE THESE SPELLS??? Like that makes no fucking sense cause acrid means “unpleasantly bitter or pungent”. So is the dust supposed to be acrid?

Some of the wording in this book absolutely just fucking baffles like what the fuck.

Anyways, Ostyia and Kacper deal with their assassins, Ostyia casting a spell only described as “that made the last assassin falter.” Then Serefin gets hit on the head and his vision ain’t doing so good, thanks to the alcohol fucking up his already fucked up senses. Turns out, there’s three more assassins in the group.

Not to worry though:

Kacper moved toward the new group, but one of them was already at Serefin’s side, a flash of steel at their hands. Suddenly they were gone and a figure Serefin couldn’t identify was standing in front of him.

The new figure’s face ducked before his.

“Get him up, I don’t think he can see.” He knew the voice instantly.

“Lady Ruminska, I don’t think—” Ostyia called, but Żaneta was already turning to face the remaining pair of assassins.

Blood ran down her arms as she tore two pages from her spell book. She wiped blood over them both while dodging out of the way of the assassins’ blades. One by one she let the pages flutter to the ground.

Żaneta is here to save the day! Also, as an aside, I think it’s supposed to be “a flash of steel in their hands”. Our resident biracial noble lady helps our resident incompetent prince out of the assassination jam. And like, I know Serefin was taken unawares and hit on the head and he’s already inebriated, but like you’d think he’d be a little bit better since he’s a General and is constantly drunk like Qrow from RWBY. But lmao whatever.

Iron spikes shot out from where the papers landed, skewering the assassins simultaneously and pinning them together. Both went down in bloody heaps. The pain in Serefin’s head amplified and he pitched forward, barely catching himself before face-planting into the stones. He lasted there for a few tense seconds—he could vaguely hear someone’s voice but he couldn’t tell if it was Żaneta or Ostyia—before everything shuttered black around him.

This was worse than any hangover Serefin had ever experienced. And he always kept track of his hangovers and how badly they hurt. He had a list.

Firstly, what the fuck. “pinning them together”??? How does that fucking work?? I thought the iron spikes - that remind me of Malachiasz’s still unexplained bullshit - were shooting out from under them, individually, how the fuck is it pinning them together? This ain’t a Saw IV situation, where steel spikes are pushed through particular parts of both of their bodies pinning them in place.

I have no words for the latter part. That one can speak for itself.

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[emergentanimism]

Deadwater

In my last post, I said something that should have given you pause. When describing spirits of the dead, I said, “They can even be exploited if a magus is so inclined. If they can't learn to chill even after they're dead, fuck 'em.”

No one told you that being a magus makes you a nice person, right? There are reasons why necromancy is reviled by many cultures. Most of those reasons are bullshit based on fear and control. But being a necromancer does sometimes mean blurring some lines. If you as a magus decide you may need a weapon at your disposal, even just for self-defense… well weapons come at a price. A weapon is not an innocent thing, despite what the NRA wants you to believe. A weapon always requires you to compromise your innocence. A weapon symbolizes you are willing to do harm. A spiritual weapon can be a costly thing indeed.

The most powerful weapon in my spiritual arsenal? Without a doubt – Deadwater. What is Deadwater you ask? Lucky for you folks I know the leading expert. The number one source. I turn you over to the words of my beloved brother, Frater Yaramarud, the man who provided me with this amazing substance.

“My first encounter with Deadwater came nearly a decade ago. At the time, I saw it purely as a novelty and not something with the nearly boundless potential that I know today. Traveling down the road with my good friend Frater Dreadnaught, and an ex-partner of mine, the three of us had made a late night decision to stop at the next cemetery we found in order to waste time in a way that people in their early twenties are wont to do. When we finally found one and had parked the car, a light in the center of the cemetery had drawn our attention to a pump well gently illuminated beneath it. My initial thought was one of curiosity and bewilderment. What reason could there possibly be for there to be a well here? With this question unanswered, it dawned on me that the corpses surrounding us had, beyond any doubt, decayed and seeped into the table from which this well drew.

After jokes and general fucking around, we left the cemetery without even noting its general location. Though I had lost contact with my ex-partner, Fr. Dreadnaught and I remained close friends. During this time, he had enlisted in the military and left our home state for roughly 7-8 years. Though we often discussed the possible location of the Deadwater, the only thing that either of us could remember was the highway that it was most likely located on. With him gone for years and me being the only person that could feasibly find this place, I did all I could do in order to locate it. Driving up and down the highway proved fruitless, as did looking at maps of cemeteries along the route and cross-referencing them with Google. My last effort was to post an inquiry on a local genealogy group under the guise of searching for the grave of a relative. This too led to nothing. I was forced to give up, and so it was for about six years.

Last year, however, things changed. Fr. D had moved back from California and had spent some time living with my wife and I. It was during this time that we had become determined to find this Deadwater once again. As we had both evolved in our magickal practice, it had become less of a curiosity and more of a holy grail; here was a tool that had so much latent potential, and yet it was completely out of my reach. One night in September of 2017, we had decided that, since it was once again physically possible for us to find it together, we would do exactly that.

I'll spare you the details of the ritual itself suffice to say that Fr. D and myself had performed a Goetic invocation for executing our will. In hindsight, we had made a mistake. For our statement of intent, I had simply said, “It is our will to invoke XX to lead us to the Deadwater located along Highway XX.” It was during the ritual that I was mentally given a map of the county through which the highway ran, with a marker placed by the demon. With the image still firmly visualized, we pulled up a map of cemeteries in the county that this marker could possibly represent. After making a list with their corresponding addresses, we left in search of the Deadwater.

It was the middle of nowhere; we were surrounded by corn fields in every direction. After taking the final turn, still flanked by corn on either side, the GPS indicated that we had arrived at our destination: the first cemetery on the list. There was nothing. Just corn. As Fr. D was rechecking the address, I slowed the truck to a stop. Just before we had become entirely motionless, the field opened up to reveal the stones we were looking for, but they weren't familiar at all. There was no light in the center. It was just darkness. Despite this, we decided to look around anyway. After all, we had the entire night to look, and maybe the light had burned out, or our memory of the place was faulty.

We spent roughly 30 minutes wandering between the gravestones, splitting up to cover more ground. As we both began to lose hope and had called out that we should go to the next address on the list, I noticed a dim light in the distance. I called to Fr. D to meet me and we could explore this light together. Once we had reconvened, we started walking together towards the light. Not even ten steps from when we started, our headlamps simultaneously crossed, revealing before us a pump well.

This was not the same well. We both knew that, and yet a shiver ran down both of our spines. We tested it. It worked. The demon had shown us the way, though due to our lack of precise wording, it was not the same well we had seen all those years ago. We had prepared for this moment and filled several bottles with the water, water that contained the decayed remains of hundreds of bodies, water that was the distilled essence of the dead.

Since that night, I have utilized the Deadwater in multiple ways. The first ritual that we had done with it was a joint effort between Fr. D and myself. He had volunteered to drink a small portion of the water, and a ritual was formed around this primary action. Performed twice, we discovered through Fr. D's gnosis that he was able to visualize and speak to his own ancestors. Thus, not only did this water stand as an essence of the dead that I had discovered through my own later experimentation, it was able to form a link between their realm and our own.

Its apparent linkage to death and focal point of death have proven invaluable. Apart from the aforementioned use of contacting one's ancestors, I have used it as a method of simplifying my altar. Rather than having dozens of pictures of my ancestors for veneration, I find it just as effective to place a bottle of the water with an image of my family crest as a sort of condensed fetish. Another similar use I have found is mixing the water with the gravedirt of my grandmother in order to form an anointing solution that has a direct link to my lineage and those that came before. In using it as a kind of “essential oil of death”, I have found that it works with great success in “jinx” or “hex” work as a medium for freezer spells and the like. It has also worked equally well as an intensifier for other gravedirt workings and as a component for spirit work. Though these cover only my own current experiments with the Deadwater, I know that its potential has exceeded every expectation that I have had for it. As I continue to find new uses, it continually astounds and amazes me.”

 What’s the first lesson to be learned from this amazing story? Have a tribe! There are other awesome magi out there. You can find them. It will take hard work and dedication to actually work together. I travel thousands of miles a year just to be with my tribe. But it’s so damn worth it when you experience that love and are gifted with magical knowledge, and receive gifts like 750 ml of Deadwater.

Lucky you, you can buy it online from Frater Yaramarud at his most excellent store, Welcome to Tarotdise, where he and his wife sell some amazing hand-crafted occult products.

Back to the original point and my experiences with Deadwater. As far as I know I am only the second person dumb enough to drink some of it. I immediately tasted the earth and rot of the grave. My vision dimmed, and I felt myself slipping between the land of the living and the realm of the dead. All from one sip. BTW, I in NO WAY endorse drinking the Deadwater. It is not sold for consumption. If you get intestinal parasites or a fungal infection, that’s your problem.

Meditating on the bottle sitting on my altar has produced some interesting visions. You can literally see the angry spirits swirling around in the bottle. No, they are not happy to be there. And I get the feeling the Deadwater captured some of the most malicious spirits of that particular cemetery. Is it wrong to use them for my own devices? Probably. But a magus gotta do what a magus gotta do. I’ll talk some more about the nuances of such necromantic work in a later post.

In my opinion, Deadwater is essentially spiritual toxic waste. No other spirit I know likes to go near the stuff. I really don’t want to meet the spirits that would enjoy it. For example, I recently had an altercation with a certain Red Goddess who has been fucking with my love life hard. Of course, she laughed at my admonitions of her cruel little games. Until I threatened to pour some Deadwater over her statue. She shut the fuck up real quick after that. Is it truly a threat to a goddess? I don’t know, but I certainly got the impression she wouldn’t enjoy the experience.

As noted, Frater Yaramarud had somewhat different experiences. Maybe it’s the batch I got. Maybe it’s his intent when using it, or how he mixes it with other substances. Maybe those spirits just don’t like me for whatever reason. You don’t have to use it as a weapon.

Yeah, I know a lot of this sounds a bit crazy. But part of being a magus is learning to frame your experiences in a mythic context. As my hero Miguel says, “Write your own story. Live your own myth.” Be hardcore. Get yourself some Deadwater. Better yet, harvest some of your own. Be prepared to do a lot of banishing before and after you do something like that.

[babaleshy]

Health Update

Ugh...

After much research (aka googling the shit out of what I've been going through and cross-referencing with what my husband has observed of me and such), it turns out that I have, when it comes to my physical health, what seems to be two things instead of Lupus like I thought.

One is ocular roseacea, which I know I have the standard skin kind, but my left eye is prone to irritation and styes and feeling like I've got something in my eye but nothing is there. Apparently in rare cases, it can cause vision loss if left untreated. There's no cure for roseacea of any kind, but there are management skills to keep it in check and avoid unnecessary triggers. Anyway, it's clearing up as long as I can stop touching my eye, which is a chore, because it's bothering me and I feel like I absolutely have to touch it no matter what.

The other is anxiety-induced IBS. My husband has this, though his symptoms manifest differently. However, thanks to endometriosis permanently conditioning my body to reject certain foods, you add the surgery on top of all this plus Autistic burnout and stresses caused by my parents and current living condition, this is of course a recipe for disaster. I didn't know that anxiety-induced IBS was a thing. I thought all IBS was a symptom of some underlying condition. I mean.. it is, but I thought it was just physical stuff and not mental stuff.

This leads into my mental health-related stuff, now.

I'm quite certain I'll be diagnosed (officially) with Autism, but there are other things that might pop up, too, that I'd like to get checked out for. One of them is OCD, and this greatly affects my eating habits more than my Autism does. It's crippling for me to try something different even though I knew it's perfectly safe. But my IBS isn't helping, my health concerns and fears aren't helping. So I've developed some fusion of Autism and OCD regarding my eating habits. I've recently decided I have to cut the way I make eggs from my breakfast and focus most on my pancake with a bit of honey until I can explore other Mediterranean diet-friendly breakfasts. The catch? My OCD is telling me simultaneously that cheese will both benefit me as in all this fiber isn't going to shove everything through me, yet cheese will back me up and make me constipated, which is what I've been struggling with IBS-wise despite the contents coming out of me. This is one of those things where I need to find something that isn't fried, that doesn't have dairy in it (unless it's yogurt, as I haven't had a problem with yogurt), until I've seen more doctors about this. (Can't make any appointments yet because the cold months means a spike in covid cases and I'm not about to throw away the crumbs of improvement from surgery just to catch covid from a bunch of selfish asshats who can't stand deviating from holiday traditions for one year (yet they're likely the ones who mock Autistic people; I've seen lots of fucking double-standards with neurotypicals who happen to be hateful, ableist shitballs.)

I fucking hate American culture/society because it's really fucking hard for me to picture a breakfast that isn't "breakfast food" related, and most of said food traditionally tends to be fried, and I have to avoid fried foods. So I'm hoping to explore breakfasts from around the world in their cultural context to try and get some idea of what I can make that won't mess with my guts. (Don't tell me to go vegan. My health and financial status would never allow that or else I would. Plus, I like eggs and honey and cheese. I've been raised on a farm. Nobody's fucking getting hurt. Leave me alone with militant veganism. If you have easy, affordable, VERY FILLING vegan recipes for breakfast, I'm ok with that, but I have to watch my oats intake because I'm now prone to heartburn, which pisses me off because there's this oats cereal I tried that I LOVE but can't eat much of it at all without my chest burning like mad.)

Another thing that my (likely) OCD affects in my life is my paranoia over privacy, though this may have developed from my lack of privacy growing up. This stems from constantly having to be the babysitter for my little brother, my dad walking through my room to get to his room every night (this was due to the construction of our house, but I don't know why he couldn't go through my brother's room), the fact that my mom found my diary/journal once or twice which made me stop writing my thoughts for years, kids being nosy about my shit in gradeschool, kids yanking the bathroom stall door open and/or stealing my stuff in middle school, etc. From this stemmed unfounded fears that there are tiny hidden cameras hidden by companies of products I have in my room or sometimes a hidden camera in the bathroom by my dad (no way that would happen because he couldn't afford such a well-hidden camera and he has no idea how to work modern technology anyways). I've got some more, too, but I won't list those here, as they are sexual in nature and I don't think anyone cares to read about those.

Another is dyslexia, and I bring this up because I've learned more about what it entails. I do accidentally swap letters out of order when typing at times, or when I write, and I also sometimes have difficulty spelling so I have to double-check with a spell-checker or autocorrect. There's also the fact that it has affected my speech from time to time. However, there are times when I'm trying to talk, and my thoughts are racing too fast for my mouth to keep up with, or my brain trying to translate thoughts into words feels like the Three Stooges trying to cram through the same doorway at the same time. I'm not sure if these are symptoms of ADHD (kinda doubtful?), a speech impediment, or dyslexia.

I know there are comorbidities, but the thing I've been told is that "self-dx is valid" and yes, it is, but employers or establishments aren't going to take your word for it sometimes unless you have that magic piece of paper that says, "They're not bullshitting you." So to me, it's incredibly important to get diagnosed, especially since it will let me know for sure what's going on with my brain so I won't be blindly trying to figure out what's wrong on my own in order to navigate this fucked up world.

That's it.

[theinvisiblespoon]

Front of a Building - Chapter 2: Shiver, but Shiver With a Friend

First  Prev  Next

Hello again! I finished chapter 2, so now I guess you can expect a chapter 2.

Chapter title is from Dodie's Party Tattoos. It’s cool. She’s cool. 

Once again, thank you to @pleaseletthisjimbetaken @ironwoman359 @splatoon-jim @nammies @incorrect-ego-quotes @forgottenbehindtheinternet @nikkyshows @slim-jims and @jiiiimmmm-with-dyed-hair for being my inspiration.

It was surprisingly difficult to make this, which I guess I owe to the fact of more than the three characters that were in chapter 1 last time. This one gives off a bit more foreshadowing, and soon I’ll start dropping hints like crazy, though I have been dropping some already. Have fun reading! Should I make a tag list? I feel like I should make a tag list. Ask me if you want to be on my tag list. Tag list.

Word count: 1230

The kitchen on the second floor smelled like cookies, filling the room from the chestnut cabinets, to the granite countertops, and to the dark and scarred kitchen table, on its literal last legs.

The Egos rarely had a meal altogether, as each Ego had rather scattered schedules during the day. Some Egos (namely, Dark) rarely ever came down from their rooms, except when on business. This rather annoyed some of the more irritable of the egos, especially since Dark hadn't shown his face in weeks.

“...the focus switches for a moment to the Host, who is narrating under his breath, barely audible over the noise of the Chef’s cooking—”

Currently, the Host and Chef Iplier were the only ones in the kitchen for breakfast. There were three that were often the first ones up—the Host found little time to sleep, too restless to fully doze—the Doctor often had morning paperwork to do, and he considered any Doctor work to be malpractice without his first cup of coffee—the Chef found himself too overexcited in the early mornings to sleep long into the day, and anyway, there were cakes to be made.

Speaking of the Doctor, he trudged through the side door of the kitchen, the door swinging half-heartedly after him. Chef Iplier looked up from his enthusiastic cooking style to watch his brother, who pulled down his coffee mug with the label “I'M NEVER WRONG” printed on it. Dr. Iplier had bags under his eyes and looked exceedingly irritable, labcoat wrinkled and slightly smelly.

“...once again, the focus is switched to the Host, who has noticed Dr. Iplier’s arrival and narrates over his action of pouring his coffee two inches too far to the left and onto the granite kitchen counter—”

Dr. Iplier looked down blearily at the stream of lukewarm coffee splattering against the counter.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake—” the Doctor grumbled, readjusting his hand position so the liquid poured into the mug instead of onto the counter.

His brother, ever helpful, abandoned his mixing bowls to rush over and clean up the dripping liquid before it could do any more damage.

“...Oh. Thanks, Chef,” Dr. Iplier remarked.

“Don't mention it,” replied Chef Iplier, quickly throwing away the sopping wet paper towels.

“...the Host begins to inquire of Dr. Iplier’s ragged looking appearance as the Doctor inter—”

“Ragged? You're one to talk; you really need to get those bleeding eyes checked out.”

The Chef looked up from mixing again. “That was rude,” he pointed out unnecessarily.

Dr. Iplier sighed, conceding an apology before slumping into a seat at the counter. “I know, I'm sorry Host. I'm really worked up over this patient; if he doesn't do what he's supposed to, he could end up at the hospital for the last time. Bad news for sure.”

The Chef transferred the contents of one bowl into the other, glancing up at his brother. “There are some things you just can't help, Doc—”

There was a loud slam at the door, which made all but the Host jump. A few seconds later, another slam. Then, muffled footsteps and words—

“Delayed; rerouting…”

“Google, what the hell are you—”

The main door swung open, revealing Wilford Warfstache, in his signature pale yellow and pink, holding the door open for Google. Apparently completing his rerouting, Google turned precisely ninety degrees and made his way to the side door.

“God damn it, Google.”

Warfstache let himself into the kitchen and sat down at the wooden table, adding to the number of unhappy customers. Dr. Iplier spoke to Google, who had finally “Arrived” through the side door, asking, “Are you on default again? I know you have a bug where it can occasionally switch back in the mornings.”

“Th-th-there is an eight six p-point five five five five five five one ch-chance of pl-plausib-bility.”

Dr. Iplier grimaced. “Here, let me get that for you—” he strode to Google and flipped off a switch labeled “MAIN”. Google shut down, hanging his head and eyes dimming. After a moment of tweaking the system, Dr. Iplier switched Google on again.

“Th-thank you. That is much better,” Google acknowledged and took a seat next to Warfstache.

“Eggs?” asked the Chef, a plate of steaming scrambled eggs with drizzled hot sauce slid in front of Warfstache. Dr. Iplier looked around at the interaction, eyebrows knitted together.

“Weren't you just making pie?”

“It was cake,” the Chef clarified. Not getting a solid answer, the Doctor turned to Wilford.

“How did he do that?”

Wilford gestured wildly, wiggling his fingers; “Mmmmmagic.”

Dr. Iplier looked at the man less than fondly.

“Your brain is more scrambled than those eggs.”

Before Wilford could come up with a nasty retort, the Host intervened, raising his voice from his usual murmur.

“...the Host interrupts the conversation before it can escalate further, and instead asks Wilford about the whereabouts of Darkiplier—the Host admits he knows Dark had a difficult night—”

Both the Chef, the Doctor, and Google hurriedly looked around at Wilford and searched his face for any sign of danger.

“Yes, well…it’s rude to talk about people behind their back,” supplied the ego, “because they might turn around and stab you in your back, and then it all would be one bloody mess.”

“Is he coming down at all today?” questioned the Doctor with an edge of resentment.

Wilford paused, and he was suddenly dark eyes and darker words. Despite his colorfulness and his boisterous personality, he could still be terrifying without trying.

“It’s not your concern.”

While no one knew what the cause of this sudden change was, all four egos backed down and resumed their tasks—the Chef, back to baking; the Doctor, back to coffee-stained paperwork; Google, back to searching for updates; the Host, back to narrating under his breath. Their imagination ran away with them, creating the worst possible scenarios. A few attempts at conversation were made, but they teetered off quickly and ultimately led nowhere. Chef Iplier was cleaning up breakfast when they heard the creak of footsteps on the stairs. Five heads turned towards the door simultaneously, and through the door came—

“Dark!” Wilford exclaimed.

“...he moves smoothly through the oak door, dressed in his best suit. Dark stops and straightens his tie before speaking—”

“Good morning, everyone.”

None of them had expected Dark to come down today, and certainly not in such a pristine condition. Google zoomed in on Dark and saw not even a speck of dust on his shoulders.

Dark began to walk to the adjacent room, attention on getting outside.

“Wait!” Wilford got up from the table and nearly ran to catch up with him, the other egos simply watching on. He followed Dark from the kitchen to the front room, through the front door, and outside the manor, leaving the first floor behind them.

“Wait!” Wilford said again, placing himself in front of the entity. “I want to come.”

Dark stared at him incredulously.

How had he not seen this coming?

“Wilford, please, it’s a quick trip.”

“Perfect!” he countered. “Then I won’t be gone long.”

“Trust me, Wilford, it’s not important.”

“Then why are you wearing your best suit?”

He found he had no answer for this. Dark kept his face impassive, weighing his options.

“Fine. You can come along.”

Wilford smiled, falling into step with Dark.

“Where are we going, anyway?”

Dark smiled softly. “On a date.”

First  Prev  Next

Seriously though, hit me up on that tag list, ‘cause things are about to get real.

[kleinsensongbash]

My submission

Jared/Evan song fic

Electric Love-Borns

Strip club! Au

Warning: ANGST GALORE, emotional manipulation from Zoe Murphy, swearing, child abuse, suicide mention, drug use, alcoholic mother also kinda smutty.

“Zoe you cannot be serious.” I said shaking my head.

“Listen Hansen, you need some action. I’m dating Alana now and you need to let my brother go. It’s been two years since the accident, but he loved you Evan. You are 21 years old, these are the years where you make memories that you can tell your children someday. Pretty please dude, I’m your best friend and if you loved me then you would do it.”

“This is emotional blackmail Murphy.” I retort chuckling slightly. She just looked back at me with her big puppy dog eyes. I finally cave in and nod my head. “Let’s fucking go to a strip club.” She said with a evil gleam in her eyes. Shit.

The club was hot and people were sweaty and wearing very little clothing. I immediately felt very out of my comfort zone. My hands started shaking and tears formed in my eyes.

“ALANA.” Zoe shouted waving over her girlfriend. Alana ran over to us and whispered something into Zoe’s ear giggling. They both looked at me smiling brightly. Alana then pulled me so close I could smell vodka on her breath.

“HEY EVAN,YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME. NOT THAT I SWING THAT WAY I AM A LESBIAN.” She screamed into my ear then broke down hysterically laughing.

During this exchange Zoe disappeared, once I realised I was slightly fearful of my life. These girls were up to something and I didn’t want to find out what.

Once she returned, I simultaneously wanted to thank her However, I mainly wanted to strangle her. As when my Gorgeous friend Zoe Murphy returned, she had brought a stripper along. The only way I could describe him was beautiful. He had hair like chocolate and eyes like the ocean, his body didn’t have a six pack like in Magic Mike, he was chubby that was the cutest part of him as it made me think he was a human. He however, was going to give me a lap dance.

“This is Evan!” Zoe shouted.

He sat on me with a smirk on his lips as he started mouthing along to the song.

“Baby you’re like lightening in a bottle, I can’t let you go now that I got it. All I need to be struck by your electric love.”

My trousers started to get tight, it all got too much for me and with panicked breaths I push him off me and run out of the club. I sat outside trying not to throw up when I felt someone sit next to me. It was the stripper.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, with concern in his eyes. Suddenly everything that happened over the last 9 years came tumbling out of my mouth. I explained to him about my severe social anxiety, about my trips to my therapist, that’s why my brain went into a melt down with the loud music, the lights and a hot guy grinding on my crotch.

I got to Connor, my lovely Connor. We became best friends after he threw a printer at our second grade teacher because she screamed that I was a freak. At twelve we had our first kiss, we lost our virginity to each other when we were 15, we were together in total for seven years. Most of his family disowned him, except for his sister who is a lesbian herself. He attempted suicide when he was fourteen because of the abuse. The first thing his father said to him was that he had only done it to cause the family embarrassment. The final straw was when they kicked him out of the house on his 19th birthday. Later that day he wrote a letter to me entitled ‘dear Evan Hansen.“ He went to the park where we had our first kiss and overdosed on heroin.

After I finished the story I cried on the strippers shoulder. The stripper laughed awkwardly and said; "Dude that is horrible, I can’t imagine want you are going through. You can’t stop living because someone else has. In fact you need to live your life and the life Connor should have had. I bet you didn’t think you would get life advice from a stripper tonight did ya?” I wiped my eyes and a wave of anxiety hit me.

“SHIT, I’m so sorry man I just told my sob story to a complete stranger, like I don’t even know your name. You probably hate me. You could have been on there earning money, but you are stuck out here with me. The person who has more baggage than an airport.”

The stripper looked at me in shock after my outburst. He replied trying to hold in laughter. “Okay first of all I gave you a lap dance so we will always have that connection bro. If you really want to know my name it’s Jared. I’d rather be outside with you than in there. Every night guys twice my age expect me to give them a lap dance, probably with his wife and kids still at home. We are all broken Evan. That’s why we both ended up in the strip Club.”

“How did you end up working here anyway?” I asked feeling more comfortable with Jared.

His smile fell from his face when he replied.

“I need pay to go to college, if I don’t then I’ll be stuck in the hellish town with my alcoholic mom and her string of lovers.”

I ignore the negatives from his announcement and focus on the positives.

“What would you study?” I questioned, trying to break the tension.

“Computer science, I want to work for google or a company like that one day.” He smiles slightly at the future he has planned.

We chat for a while more and exchange numbers. Then Zoe and Alana interrupted us.

“Hey, we were going to follow you but we saw the stripper beat us. How ya’ll doing?” Zoe asked winking at me and Jared.

We both blush and avoid looking at each other.

Alana suddenly got teary and leant into Zoe.

“Look sweetie, Evans blushing… I SHIP IT SO HARD!”

Since then another two years have passed. I am currently lying in bed spooning Jared. We just finished christening our bedroom for our apartment we just bought together.

I am happier than I have been in a long time.

Thanks to Jared the stripper and the electric love he has brought into my life.

[0225pm]

time check: it’s currently 2:45AM and i just thought i should write something before i head to bed hahaha!

i’m not sure if i have to go to akmal’s graduation later cus idk if rayhan has already booked out or not but we will see later. hopefully i can finish typing before 330AM at least!

so today was a rather happy day!!!

i honestly felt really happy haha idk why but han was being so clingy and affectionate today i absolutely love it!! 🥰

around 3+, he texted me asking if i wanted to come over to his place and i actually had some grocery shopping planned but i decided to push it to another day so i can spend this day with him since this doesn’t happen everyday. then around 4+ he messaged me asking me if i know that he’s gonna be fetching me and i was like whaaaatttt??? ofc i didn’t know that la since he didn’t mention it beforehand but thank goodness i already showered, just had to prepare. i initially thought of going to his workplace to fetch him then go to his place together after that but since he said he was fetching me i took my own sweet time to prep hahahaha and then this bobo asked me if i can fry food for him lol 🙄 lucky for him the fridge has some frozen spicy nuggets and then my dad asked me to fry all the samosas since there were only 6 left so i did!

i didn’t know how many nuggets i should fry so i just went with the standard 6 and then added in 1 of the samosa to make lucky number 7 HAHAHA LOLLLLL. by the time he came, the food were already cold hahah but he still ended up eating it anyway cus he was really hungry and hadn’t had anything to eat for the whole day. his excuse? no time 🙄 seriously.... nak kene debik??? no time then must make time even if it’s 15 minutes, still have to eat something!!! cannot go back to your bad irregular eating habits of eating one meal per day!!! but ya so anyway, he drove on for quite a while to go back to the company and we managed to catch the sunset together. it was very beautiful i love watching the sunset and sunrise but if i have to pick one, i’ll pick sunsets cus the atmosphere is not as humid at night hehe 😛

han was being very affectionate in the van and lol i know mentioning this will probably make him do it less just to spite me 🙄 but i seriously love it when he’s all clingy and shooting all these cupid arrows directly to my heart hahahahah like i just instantly go all melty and warm i love itttttt 😍 and then when we reached the company, i really badly had to pee so he let me in and i felt so fucking relieved sia hahah cus i’ve actually been holding it ever since i left the house. i know i know.... why didn’t i go and pee before leaving the house??? well i wanted to but then i didn’t feel like it until after getting into the van and i didn’t want to make him wait so i just tahan all the way hahahahaha oh and did i mentioned that be cracked one super lame joke lol..... he asked what’s the diff between air and wind and i thought he was asking for real??? i didn’t know it was a nonsense quiz 🙄 but apparently the answer was - air is from the mouth, wind is from the butt. or something like that LOL lame la hahaha take the L bb!!!!

then after that we walked to the bus stop, and then took the bus to admiralty. i have to say, i really like it when han puts his hand around my waist. granted, i don’t have the nicest or smallest waist cus i have fats all around it but it still felt really nice to be held there. tbh, i used to not like that feeling cus i felt like it’s so weird?? sometimes i see couples doing it and i thought, how the hell are they walking with the hand around the waist???? but it actually felt really comfortable for some reason hahaha so ya i rly like it pls do it more often bb hehe 😚

then we had like some debatacle about the human organs and then he asked me which is the largest/longest organ of the human body. and i know what’s the largest cus it’s the skin. i watched this science video before and they mentioned it but he said no, it’s the brain. so i was like ????? what???? then i googled and turns out it’s the skin LOOOOLLLL and as for longest, i think it’s the liver. HAHAHAHA BOBO SIA THIS HAN but i still love you ok haha i love all your silliness and lameness 😘❤️ then we went to chateraise hehe and i got mochi as per usual and i decided to try one of their waffle looking ice cream yogurt. it tasted like coconut to me, han said it’s not bad. but he doesn’t rly like ice cream cus of the coldness to his sensitive teeth. so in general, eating ice cream is something rather rare since it hurts his teeth.

after that, we took the train and went to his area. i bought happy meal!!! cus i want to collect all the toys hehe and for the first one i decided to get the pikachu just in case it get sold out since pikachu seems to be one of the more popular pokémon. then i felt like the happy meal wasn’t gonna be enough cus well it’s basically just a kids meal - 4 nuggets and fries so i thought of getting something else to eat from kfc. but i felt like so muak liddat cus i can literally always get kfc anytime since there’s one at my area. so i told han that i’ll be getting some carrot cake maybe at encik tan but when i go there idk why but the picture looks kinda unappetitizing suddenly so i walked around the basement and finally settled for bread hahaah yaaaa i didn’t wanna eat carbs but i still got carbs in the end lol but guess what i didn’t even touched it and it’s now sitting in my room. i’ll prolly eat it tomorrow for breakfast hahaha! ok then after all that, we walked back to his place!!! i greeted his dad and then we sat in the living room. initially i wanted to go to his room and sit there but i saw his bro watching fortnite so i decided to stay and watched too and then watched both of them played a couple games of warfare and fortnite and fifa while simultaneously watching the series i’m currently watching on netflix - sabrina’s chilling adventures. i downloaded a few eps before meeting han just in case.

then han played a round of csgo i think on his pc and then i told him i was gonna go home hahahaha like i just wanted to see his reaction la tbh and he’s just so cute wtheck then after his game was over he came back and sat at the living room area and then we decided to watch the kissing booth which was on netflix hahaha and this bobo ah rly. i asked him if he watched before then he hesitated to answer but i knew he watched before cus he did sorta mentioned it once?? so i asked him why u watch again? then he said, cus u haven’t watch. then he smiled 😁 what a bobo!!!!! but ya we ended up watching till the end, somewhat. cus my driver came already and i had to leave. yeahhhh i had no choice but to book before 1am cus grab takes away hitch from 1-5am and hitch is rly the much cheaper option!!! and all those while i could tell han was alr rly tired and worn out but he kept fighting sleep. his eyes were red and he kept rubbing them lol all those are signs of sleepiness but he still kept fighting them off hahahaha silly bb. and he still managed to send me off all the way downstairs and kissed and hugged my goodbye in the lift before we go. also i think it was the first time(?) he actually said, see u tomorrow to me cus yeah haha we’re actually gonna meet again tomorrow it’s our weekly dating day hehe. i can’t wait to see his stinking cute face later and spend the whole sat and morning of sun with him laterz hehe.

ok time check: 3:27AM!! i managed to stay before my deadline timing for this post. goodnight world!

[douchebagbrainwaves]

PEOPLE JUST IGNORE THAT—OR WORSE, IT'S HAPPENING

The route for the ambitious in that sort of environment is to join one and climb to the top. Raphael so pervaded mid-nineteenth century taste that almost anyone who tried to draw was imitating him, often at several removes. That's even rarer. In the third century BC Archimedes won by doing that. I haven't had to yet. They were all terrible. I believe all have either closed a round or are likely to soon. They could take everyone and keep just the good ones. A lot of the same things we said at the last two. Investors will probably find they do better when deprived of this crutch anyway.1 Facebook didn't, and they've done better than most startups.

Good design is often daring. And you know what? One reason is that to make Leonardo you need more than his innate ability. If the tests a society uses are currently hackable, we can study the way people beat them and try to plug the holes. Why do they do it? In some cases we may have to wait for startups to have traction before they put in significant money. Startups can be irresponsible and release version 1s that are light enough to evolve.2

Including, I hope, the problem that has afflicted so many previous communities: being ruined by growth. As a kid I had what I thought was a huge fleet of toy cars, but they'd be dwarfed by the number of startups in this country, at least to yourself, I could have thought of that. Actually we're the opposite: incubators exert more control than ordinary VCs, and we haven't yet evolved ways to protect ourselves from them. My vote is they're a bad idea. When oil paint replaced tempera in the fifteenth century. They want to get rich, but they may not always be true.3 Fortunately I discovered that when a startup needed to talk to corp dev when they're either doing really well, you can pick a time when you're not in the middle about some of the books.4 Though of course forbidding bad behavior does tend to keep away bad people, because they didn't have materials or power sources light enough the Wrights' engine weighed 152 lbs.5 Facebook didn't, and they've done better than most startups. Are meanness and success are inversely correlated. Why?

In the US this process still shows many outward signs of corruption. Ramen profitability is the least obvious but may be the most powerful forces in a startup depends mainly on how smart and energetic you are, and much less on how old you are or how much business experience you have. Good design is often slightly funny. Have one person talk.6 And it certainly doesn't matter how many of them there are, any more than we'd expect naive solutions for keeping heroin out of a prison to work.7 The aim is not simply to make a lot more people investing tens or hundreds of thousands than millions. If investors get too involved, they smother one of the things the internet has shown us is how mean people can be. If I spent half the day loitering on University Ave, I'd notice. It's good to talk about the needs of people you know personally, like your friends or siblings. Another sign of user need is when people pay a lot for something.8

Raphael so pervaded mid-nineteenth century taste that almost anyone who tried to draw was imitating him, often at several removes. In Florida, which Bush ultimately won 52-47, exit polls ought to be very hard to contain parents' efforts to obtain an unfair advantage for their kids.9 You feel this when you start to examine the question, it's surprising how much different fields' ideas of beauty have in common. Exception: If one of the founders is not competitors but investors. Most founders who get contacted by corp dev already know what it means. Whereas if you can choose when you raise money, you can pick a time when one failed to do something weird at first. Google, presented at some point to investors who didn't get it and turned them down. You don't have to interrupt working on the company isn't. In the big angel rounds that increasingly compete with series A rounds, the investors won't take as much equity as VCs do now.10 The biggest constraint on the number of startups in this country is a policy that would cost practically nothing. Comments have much more effect on new comments than submissions have on new submissions.

The government could not do better than to piggyback on their expertise, and use investment by recognized startup investors as the test of whether a company was a real startup. And this illustrates another advantage of investing over hiring: our relationship with them is way better than it would be a good thing. Don't worry if your company is just a few months old.11 It's a crowded market, I remember one founder saying worriedly.12 In some cases we may have to wait for startups to have traction before they put in significant money. I were a boss making people work this hard. If you're ramen profitable, you're already avoiding these mistakes. The good things in a community site can do is attract the kind of people who could start a startup do. Chasing hot deals doesn't make investors choose better; it just makes them feel better about their choices.13 One forgets it's owned by a private company.14

However, that doesn't mean you should talk like some kind of zenlike detachment from material things.15 And now I have both an additional reason to crack down on it, and that would cost nothing: establish a new class of visa for startup founders. There's still debate about whether this was because of the Bubble, or because they saw a movie star with one in a magazine, or because they're a bad idea. Don't be Evil? Startups and yuppies entered the American conceptual vocabulary roughly simultaneously in the late twentieth century. Aiming at timelessness is a way to evade the grip of fashion. In short, the disasters this summer were just the usual childhood diseases.

Notes

I realized that without the methodological implications. The shift in power from investors to founders is exaggerated now because it's a hip flask. Thought experiment: set aside a chunk of time, default to some abstract notion of fairness or randomly, in one where life was tougher, the increasing complacency of managements. Com.

One YC founder told me they do the opposite way from the creation of wealth to study, because such companies need huge numbers of users to recruit manually—is probably a bad imitation of a running back doesn't translate to soccer. The real decline seems to be clear in our own, like selflessness, might come from.

Throw in the cupboard, but half comes from ads on other sites. It doesn't take a lesson from the CIA runs a venture fund called In-Q-Tel that is more efficient: the energy they emit encourages other ambitious people, instead of crawling back repentant at the mercy of circumstances: court decisions striking down state anti-takeover laws, they seem like I overstated the case of journalists, someone else to lend to, but I managed to screw up twice at the mercy of circumstances: court decisions striking down state anti-dilution provisions, even though you don't have the balls to ask, what that means the investment community will tend to use some bad word multiple times. This trend is one that we wrote in verse. For example, will be maximally profitable when each employee is paid in proportion to the writing of literary theorists.

According to Michael Lind, when politicians tried to shift back. Which in turn is why it's such a low valuation, or one near the door. Where Do College English Departments Come From?

You can get very emotional. If they're on the x axis and returns on the software business, and tax rates will tend to be redeveloped as a result a lot better to make a lot of investors started offering investment automatically to every startup we had to bounce back. There are circumstances where this is a significant number. Incidentally, this phenomenon myself: hotel unions are responsible for more of it.

Then it's up to his time was 700,000 legitimate emails. Many famous works of anthropology.

This is one of his first acts as president, and the fucking fleas. These false positive rate is 10%, moving to Monaco would only give you such a low valuation, that all metaphysics between Aristotle and 1783 had been Boylston Professor of Rhetoric at Harvard is significantly better than having twice as fast is better than their lifetime value, don't even want to get all the free OSes first—A Spam Classification Organization Program. There was one in a place where few succeed is hardly free.

We could be overcome by changing the shape of the next year they worked. Those investors probably thought they'd been living in cities.

Those groups never have that glazed over look. At first literature took a back seat to philology, which means you're being gratuitously troublesome.

If all the red counties. They hoped they were friendlier to developers than Apple is now. Now the misunderstood artist is a bit more complicated, because time seems to have lunch at the fabulous Oren's Hummus. If they really mean, in the twentieth century.

That you're not convinced that what you're doing is almost always bullshit. We thought software was all that value, counting users as active when they're on the side of being absorbed by the surface similarities.

This of course some uncertainty about how the courses they took might look to an associate cold-emailing a startup, and are paid a flat rate regardless of how hard it is certainly an important relationship between the Daddy Model, hard to predict areas where Apple will be interesting to consider behaving the opposite. The Sub-Zero 690, one of the things we focus on their utility function for money. The 1/50th of a press hit, but even there people tend to say that a their applicants come from meditating in an equity round.

Realizing that much to maintain their percentage.

This seems unlikely that every fast-growing startup gets on the Daddy Model may be that the angels are no false negatives. They'll have a different idea of happiness from many older societies. I never get as deeply into subjects as I make it harder for you, they have zero ability to solve a lot about how to appeal to investors. This is actually a computer.

Give the founders. In retrospect, we love big juicy lumbar disc herniations, but explain that's what they give it back. Financing a startup. The original version of everything was called the option pool as well.

Thanks to Steve Huffman, Dan Bloomberg, Ben Horowitz, and Trevor Blackwell for sharing their expertise on this topic.