#anyway. i should actually do work today
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'I am not extremly emotionally needy and have deep seated fears about being left behind' I say to myself as I try not to cry at work because my friend is in town but super busy with family stuff so I'll only get to see her for a handful of hours at at event I don't even want to go to
#thinking abt seivarden and like. oh. oh i AM the irritating needy person everyone hates and pities#heart too goddam big. im too sensitive for this#and by this i mean. just human existence in general#at least my boss is out today#if i have to go have a 15 min bathroom breakdown i can w/out consequence#controversially i need community constantly but i also desperately need alone time frequently#the only solution is grad school collegetown walkable community#and im Never gonna get that joy and comfort back#my own apartment but friends right down the street that i see multiple times a week??#we work together. go to class together. just????#anyway. i should actually do work today#i have a handful of things i need done by monday
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one thing u can count on me for is being normal about Some Guy
process under cut where u can see me losing my mind trying 2 figure out what i was doing in real time! :3
#mine#cats#original#i started colouring this last night and could NOT . get my brain to work#i like knew the vibes but i couldnt translate that into an actual physical colour palette AOAUGH#but i did kind of pop off w this one ngl. anyway#ive been listening to you cant do that podcast very good very funny hockey girls !!#i do need to listen to a boring white man podcast though so i can get . information . and not just who has been the most cunty nhl player#what else happened today. my tamagotchi evolved ! i love them so much#and i completed sm more crochet blanket! maybe i should post pictures of that bc its going to take years off my life i might as well get#sm clout for it
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2023 Brazilian Grand Prix - Sprint - Fernando Alonso
#yknow i thought maybe id get immune to his insane level of attractiveness from this weekend after posting so much#but these had me going: 'WHAT THE FUCCCCKKKKKK' super hoarse LMAO#im so confused at him. he was very cute and angelic in the earlier interview and now he looks like this???? unfair.#theres something about a man trapped by the sleeves of his racesuit....#okay anyways this should be my last work of the day actually#i have to go do a school thing so i shant be online...probably#BUT AH NO SERIOUSLY ITS BEEN SSO FUN YESTERDAY AND TODAY!!!#like it really is a reward after suffering thru all his races since zandvoort basically#but mostly cota and mexico killed me but this wknd has reminded me how fun racing and f1 can be#thank you everyone for being so fun hehehe#fernando alonso#f1#formula 1#2023 brazilian gp#we do a little bit of f1
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SAY WHAT YOU MEAN,
TELL ME I'M RIGHT!
AND LET THE SUN RAIN DOWN ON ME!
GIVE ME A SIGN,
I WANNA BELIEVE!
#heart art!#adventure forward#af2#how do. i tag thisss#uhmmmm#cyalm#claud#celesteal#mayor blueband#invertigo#yeah that works. i Guess#anyways. i can make up so many things about characters that arent canon#maybe ar some point i will put my ideas into words. but not today#nono. instead you get Vague Whiteboard Fox Drawings#anyways. everytime i think about how badly cyalm fucked up every single person they met an angel gets their wings#actually. i should post my sillier whiteboard doodles as well. hold on chat
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My afraid-of-romance ass has just been asked by another regular customer for my number and the stupid thing is that again I do think this guy is kinda cute and I really probably should say yes
#the fear tho lmao#what am I afraid of? I have no fucking clue#this is why I’m still questioning my sexuality lol like what am I? do I even actually like guys? do I like anyone?#in an existential spiral at the moment#but honestly why do they always ask for my number#like dude just give me yours and let me make the decision when you’re not right here in front of me#but I felt bad telling him no today just because the last time a customer asked and I said yes I almost immediately regretted it#and then that didn’t work out because I thought he was too young#young* and now he still sometimes comes by and I just feel awkward about it#maybe I should turn to Facebook and see if I can find him because I have set an age limit for myself and I really don’t want to entertain#anyone younger than that#but I’m……… I know I’m like never active in here anymore#but I just needed to talk about this somewhere#because any of my coworkers would probably tell me I’m being ridiculous or they’d just seriously keep questioning why I keep saying no to#customers that hit on me and my best friend would probably also not get it#idk y’all I just needed to rant about it/talk about it#anyway I’m definitely gonna stress over this until tomorrow#and I’m gonna feel really bad if he stops coming by
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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Love when brain says "No you can't do x until you do y" and then won't let me do y
#'first task of the morning Must be getting dressed'#'ok cool what should i wear?'#'just stare blankly at your wardrobe'#that does not. help.#the actual reason is that today is truck day and i'll be on register for most of the day#but someone comes in and 2 who MIGHT be on register and i don't get off work until 4:30#but also sometimes the woman coming in at 2 helps out on the floor until the morning cashier leaves#so basically the issue is i wear different things for truck and register#and idk if i'll be doing both or not#if i knew i was i'd just dress for truck#but i don't really want to do that if i'll be on register#hm#i speak#i mean i probably will dress for potentially doing truck anyway#just in case
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#i have to let it out of my chest because today was fucking rough on here#it’s been for a few days actually because I’ve received much hate and I tried to ignore it as much as I could#between my blog being exposed by a huge other blog and getting dissed and then the controversy of my opinions on here#it was rough but I dealt with it. Today was different#i know I shouldn’t care about these things… I know it’s silly and all but#to read someone is ‘disgusted’ by my work and they wouldn’t read it because I should be ‘ashamed’ made me cry#i wont deny it lol I cried because… idk why would you be so nasty and cowardly send hate#not everyone has to like my story#damn not everyone has to read it#like i completely understand an historical AU with philosophy and slow burn is not everyone’s cup of tea#but like to be so nasty and make up lies only because you dont like what I said? idk#maybe I cant understand this behaviour because i would never in my life for the love of me#do this to any other person. not even the ones that I don’t like#but anyway i’ll be girl-reblogging any comfort content from Louis tonight#i know this won’t make any difference but it would be nice. it would be nice
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#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#yakuza series#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#masumi arakawa#snap sketches#ive decided captions are for squares and ill just keep the tag rambles LOL#anyway. the tags are just for bitching dont look. i hate being at my moms this sucks its so cold and i always feel powerless here#yk how i said i wanted to work on comm stuff yesterday yeah I Couldnt. not as much as i wanted to anyway#it was too cold to focus and im always apprehensive here god i forgot how much i hate this place#wanted to TRY and force something today so i could pick up from yesterday but even just doing this felt draining#i actually wanted to do a cute arasawa comic but. i repeat moving sucks LOL#anyway. complaining aside let me explain the bling#cause i wear this watch and this bracelet. all the time LOL#unfortunately the watch is from my mom but the bracelet's from my dad. of course#unfortunately i do love watches so ill cope#this is also to continue my Arakawa Should Be Da|go's Fourth Dad propaganda. cross accessories :)#anyways speak of the devil (my mother) my brother just came in to deliver a message from The Devil and put me in a worse mood#everything sucks i cant wait fr tomorrow so i can leave LOL#i was only gone for a month and everything got worse while i was gone because my mom sucks ANYWAY.#sorry i had to use this cute pic of arakawa to vent but god. god i hate it here im miserable LOL#anyway since i cant draw that comic anytime soon i might just try to squeeze a fic out of it#ill have to steal from that alcohol comic i did but it's fine. ok bye. might go get soju later. and chicken...#genuinely the only good place around here since they closed my fave hibachi place#'snap i thought you were trying to stop drinking' so did i then i came back here ☠️☠️not even a restaurant it a gas/liquor station#my dad gave me grocery money i think im allowed a lil treat... ok im goin fr now LMAO BYE
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damn they werent kidding that reading comprehension CAN piss on the poor
#i dont even think it's a reading comprehension issue i think people just love to assume the most bad-faith intentions on tumblr#last reblog was clearly talking about a post made as if it was some unspoken rule of social media#all the replies are ''umm they stated a personal boundary and you're making fun of them for it? :/''#i can see how you got there but no. if you looked at the post for two seconds it's obvious we aren't doing targeted harassment 😭#they're just saying it's a weird thing to post as if it was obvious people should have been behaving like that all along...#it's not like that's some common social media etiquette..... it's a strange thing to Expect#state your boundaries sure that's always fine. that's not what the post was about guys kfjhkg#i love finding a popular opinionated post and grabbing the bag of popcorn lmao#anyways im gonna go get food wahoo#hiiiiiii i wanted to post a bit today but. forgot :V#kept getting distracted by various things including skyblock itself#*wants to post about skyblock* *too busy playing skyblock to post*#most of my day was actually spent outside yay :] work again tomorrow tho#and saturday..#chat
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Day 15
“Tatsumi-senpai, have you ever kissed anyone?” Kaname asked, sitting across from the other boy in the catacombs. Everyone else had left for the night leaving the two of them alone.
“Why are you asking?” Tatsumi replied, confused as he moved one of his chess pieces on the board. Kaname didn’t know anything about how the game worked and was mostly just guessing at where the pieces moved.
“A-ah it’s nothing, I was just wondering…I haven’t kissed anyone.” Kaname could feel his face heating up. God this was embarrassing, why was he doing this?
“I haven’t kissed anyone either.” Their game of chess forgotten for the moment. Kaname’s face burned even hotter.
“Would you--would you like to try kissing?” He barely squeaked out. How was the great Kaname Tojou such a loser when it came to his crush? He should be confident and yet here he was.
“Can you repeat that, Kaname-san?” He loved the way his name sounded in Tatsumi’s voice. It made him want to die in the moment though.
“Can I--Can we try…kissing?” His voice was still soft but evidently loud enough for Tatsumi to hear if the slight blush on his face was evidence of anything. Tatsumi gently moved their chess board to the side and slid closer to Kaname. Kaname felt his heart rate pick up at the proximity as Tatsumi leaned in closer.
How was he supposed to kiss? He tried to remember the movies and how they did it, closing his eyes and letting Tatsumi guide him, his lips slightly parted. The moment Tatsumi’s lips touched his he thought he would fly, and evidently his mouth moved before he could think, as Tatsumi let out a yelp and brought a hand to his lips.
Kaname bit him. Oh how embarrassing! It wasn’t enough to draw blood but still!
“I’m so sorry Tatsumi-senpai! I didn’t mean to do that! Oh god--”
Tatsumi laughed. Kaname stopped in his tracks as Tatsumi continued laughing. He wasn’t laughing at Kaname, though, or at least not at Kaname as a person, but rather at his reaction to the whole thing.
“It’s okay, Kaname-san. We can try again if you’d like.”
“Y-yes I’d like that very much.”
They leaned in again and Kaname clenched his jaw to keep himself from biting Tatsumi again, but he got a little overeager again and felt their heads bump into each other and not where their lips were (which was where he was aiming for). Kaname curses under his breath but Tatsumi giggles again (a heavenly sound to Kaname’s ears) and cups his face before gently guiding him to Tatsumi’s lips.
Kaname was too in shock to do anything for a moment. He was kissing someone. And not just someone. He was kissing Tatsumi Kazehaya, heartthrob of Reimei Academy. He closed his eyes and relaxed, reaching to grab Tatsumi’s blazer and pull him closer. He felt their teeth clack together but it wasn’t as bad as their first attempt and for Kaname, that was enough.
They pulled away, panting heavily, and Kaname noticed that Tatsumi’s pupils had dilated. He wanted to pull Tatsumi in for another kiss but held himself back, at least for a moment.
“That wasn’t so bad,” Tatsumi spoke, breathless and full of affection.
“No, it wasn’t.” Kaname pulled Tatsumi back in for another kiss, narrowly avoiding bumping their heads together again. He could do this forever, just him and Tatsumi in the catacombs, kissing to their hearts content.
#shay writes#tatsukana#january writing challenge#WE'RE BACK ON TRACK BABEY#i already wrote tomorrow's fic too i will have to edit it#but i'm on a roll today i might work on one of my longer fics#if i dont work on something longer i will die i swear. sobbing#options options.... kaokana fic. big bang fic editing.... the newest longform wip edition which is the madaleo fic#umu what else.........#idk actually there probably is another longer wip somewhere#ignoring the madashu part 2 fic i promised IM SORRY I HAVE NOOOO MOTIVATION FOR THAT ONE RECENTLY#i should do a different madashu fic though. for funsies. i should start a new one#OH THE MADATATSU ONE I WAS WORKING ON RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT#yes yes okay but that one i think i am also putting on the back burner for a bit#but yeah i'm going insane i need to write something longer#i am going insaneeeeeeee just writing short stuff so expect less posting from me in february#for a while anyway we'll see if i can maybe get some chapters of other stuff up#but yeah. anyway cutesies tatsukanas today#cutesies rinniki tomorrow that i've already had people read on discord#and we'll follow it with cute madaleos on thursday i prommy i prommy
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🧸🧃⛈️
#so like late last night i started to get rlly panicky nd upset#bc it's v much looking like im gnna fail my english class. i need to be done next wednesday which means i need to work rlly hard#nd go to school extra to have a presentation nd do tests etc etc#nd im still in pain after surgery nd im rlly depressed bc of my physical health so i just dont think i can be strong nd make it this time#in my almost breakdown i wrote a self referral to the clinic/psych department for personality disorders....#it usually takes them around 2 days to answer you but this time at like 8am they sent me a message AND called me#(i think. im not certain it's them bc i havent checked the voice message or the reply lmaooo. but it should be them)#the thing abt having avpd is now im immediately stressed af nd i regret sending it. i donr wanna check their reply#also it might be bc i wrote a lot abt killing myseld etc etc nd now im worried theyre gnna be like girlie get checked in!!!! lol T-T#i just needed to be very clear nd act frsutrted nd desperate bc i have never gotten treatment in 10yrs nd im TIRED!!!!#my initial reaction is to avoid at all costs nd just pull my covers above my head nd pretend like i dont have to check their reply lol#i dont wannaaaaaa. i take it back i dont want help!!! its fine i dont wanna try or work hard let me rot#why did i do this!!!!! fml. anyway... i'll check later today bc since its early i can still use the excuse of sleepinf thru the days#many ppl working w mentally ill ppl understand that it's normal actually to switch the day around nd sleep during the days sksksk#but also i have no idea how many typos r in here bc im not wearing my glasses whoopsie#yeah.. anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep nd not think abt it#hopefully it wasnt even them calling 🤡 i know i HAVE to check later but not now i can take a few hours#then today i need to figure out if im gnna make one last attempt w my eng class or give up idk what to do
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“i’m all alone, but i’m as happy as can be!”
#aka top 10 things i wish i could drill into my coworkers brains grrrrrrrrrrrrrrnrhrhbgbgbfbfbfnf#‘you should get a bf’ ‘when are you gonna get married and have kids?’ how about n e v e r#i just want to sleep when i’m not on the clock mans i don’t want to waste my precious sleep time on others#i mean. i don’t even leave the house on my days off. not to go shopping or anything bc sleep is more important~~~#and stuff can be bought online anyways s o o o o o#g o d speaking of online purchases thoughhh this massage seat i bought online came in yesterday and it works amazingly well~~~~~#used it for half an hour last night and i was relaxed enough to sleep for 11-12 hours straight#wish i had space for an actual massage chair though but this will have to do…#it’s been my dream to own a massage chair for the longest time…… but ig this massage seat is good enough……#i can just slap it onto my desk chair and b a m ✨instant paradise✨#speaking of instant though… one of my coworkers was commenting on my love for instant noodles the other day#‘you’ll ✨d i e✨ faster if you eat a lot of cup noodles yk?’ he said#so ✨o f c✨ my mouth chose to work faster than my brain when i replied with ‘i’m fine with that bc i won’t have to work then’#he and another coworker laughed :( sadded#b u t i finally had my cup noodles that i ‘customised’ at the cup noodle museum today and it was good~~~~~~~ i have good taste (self praise)#the best part was the lack of spring onions!!!! bc screw spring onions really who decided that they should be included with most cup noodles#or just noodles in general? the texture sucks and they don’t even taste good man. why would you even add spring onions?#it’s number 2 in my list of most hated food toppings. it loses only to ikan bilis bc s c r e w ikan bilis or dried anchovies or whatever#they’re known as >:( i hateeeeee how takeout places will just assume that you want ikan bilis and lop on a huuuuugeeeee serving of them#atop your food as you desperately and futilely b e g them to stop#and when you try to pick them out they just!!!! keep turning up everywhere instead?????#like hello???? how did you manage to get to the bottom of the bowl???? you were only added as a topping!!!!!!!#also. their eyes are really creepy. and the heads get detached from the bodies all the time and just. seeing the eyes ruins my appetite.#wait this was supposed to be about my coworkers and their pushiness in a matter that doesn’t concern them how did we get so far off-topic—#chizuutan chizpost
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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trying to change my major on the second day of classes just to keep things interesting
#i have come to a decision that i might regret but whatever#i just realized that the field i'd be working in would put me somewhere i'm not sure i want to be (it's comp sci btw)#and my eyesight suckssssss. i don't think having a job that requires a lot of looking at screens will do me any favors#so we're changing it!#and i might be double majoring too because i'm bad at making decisions and i have very varied interests#(maybe i want to be allowed in the art studios. is that too much to ask for?)#thinking i'll go with psychology and studio art#that or psych and geology (<-likes rocks)#currently trying to figure out how to do it w/o losing my financial aid#because if i lose it i'm just dropping out tbh#if this wasn't mostly covered i wouldn't be touching college#even if i love the campus and the buildings and a couple professors#actually my fav professor is a history professor maybe i should minor in history so i can see him again? i do love history a lot#but majoring in history would be silly because wtf would i do with a history degree?#anyways i'm also working on a stupid drawing thing today while i ignore my classwork because i'm dropping all of my classes#i was very inspired by that washing machine post#so get excited for that#or not. live your life#and unrelated to anything at all but i'm sitting outside and it is. so nice today#like beautiful weather even if it's been sweltering all last week#maybe it's because it's early as fuck#also unrelated to anything#but i love tumblrs tagging system#i want to tag all day every day#i will write a whole essay in the tags#no-one can stop me because i am undefeatable
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woke up randomly in the night and my flatmate is in the bathroom so I can't go pee and immediately go back to sleep incident 7493 dead 19923 casualties
#GIRL PLEASE ITS BEEN 15 MINS. I NEED TO FALL BACK ASLEEP STAT I HAVE TO BE UP FOR WORK IN 3 HOURS. EMERGENCY!!!!!#ik shes not working today so she can do whatever with her schedule but i cant fall asleep again until i peeeee#and the longer im awake the harder it is for me to fall asleep. and ive been so fucking tired latelt already come on 💔💔#actually come to think of it the reason i woke up so suddenly is probably cuz i heard her door slamming#which is fine she can move around the flat whenever she likes. not like shed stop for me anyway. but hurry tf up in there#whats she DOING. if shes taking a bath or showering im fucked. maybe i should just piss in the kitchen sink lmao#UGHHHHH.#.diaries#well all we can do is wait. man im gonna feel like so much shit at work today :(
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