#anyway. i'm okay lol. just frustrated and baffled.

[shydroid3000]

Blahh just a vent but...

A while back my therapist referred me to this catalogue of services offered by my country's Mental Health Association that include household services like organizing and cleaning, offered directly through the association at a reduced rate compared to the usual cost of those things. And I've got various psychiatric conditions and chronic illness that contributes to me really struggling to manage that stuff on my own, and my place has frankly been in a ridiculous state since moving. So I contacted them and went through this email back-and-forth over the course of like a month, to eventually get paired with a person who is essentially a case worker.

And so I again emailed back and forth with that person about the services I was hoping to access and what my needs were. And they emailed back with... links to two local cleaning businesses in my city?? Saying that I could look at the business websites for their rates??

Like... sorry, I fucking know I can do that. LOL. I'm poor and disabled and was trying to access the services that your organization's catalogue said you offered..??? Like those cheaper ones specifically geared to people who are mentally ill and disabled??? Two months of back and forth and waiting, and they send me two links I could have just googled myself for full-rate regular cleaning businesses..???? ????? I don't get it hahahah.

And like, the support worker person seems very nice and I'm not blaming them, because I assume this is something that is more due to organizational issues than an individual worker's inadequacy or something. But ugh.

[17-noodlebird]

Two posts in one day!? Could this be!?

Anyway...

Reprogrammed!!!!

Dedicated with love and hard work to @tboom10

🤎❤️🧡💛💚🛸🩵💙💜🩷🤍🩶🖤

In honor of Pixar's Inside Out 2, a movie of which I have high hopes for

~~~~

Okay, folks, so I'm just gonna be straight to the point here; in The Amazing Digital Road Trip AU, Caine had been reprogrammed by digital diplomat Valerie in the hopes of him becoming “more human” and maybe hopefully mingling with the other human performers of the Digital Circus. And, uh… it's a rollercoaster for everyone, I'll give you that! 😅

This all takes place 2 years after Pomni’s initial arrival to the Digital Circus, approximately in the year 2026, where Pomni and Caine have already become best friends after the former realizes the latter has the same goal as her (though even then, her desire to find an exit has been put on the back burner for now to try and practice her empathy skills with Caine). And as previously stated, it also takes place 6 months before the initial road trip happens. So 2 years and 6 months after the first (and supposedly only) season of the canon show itself. Bare with me, audience; I've been writing all of this as I go.

So with all that said and done, here are the 13 initial emotions Caine gets to experience for the first time!

🤎❤️🧡💛💚🛸🩵💙💜🩷🤍🩶🖤

~~~~

🤎 Confusion 🤎

• His primary emotion. As a creative and learning AI there are lots and lots of things he DOES NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL. Like for example, if any of the human performers have this ongoing inside joke that he has trouble grappling with, odds are he might fry his circuits overthinking it (which happens way too frequently nowadays lol). Plus, the overt intake of new info might end up overwhelming him to the point of sensory overload, so he'll be taking breathers from time to time (though he'll keep on insisting he doesn't need one).

• Gen Z humor is one that baffles him the most, much to the amusement of a few of the performers (especially Jax, Zooble, and Pomni), and he'll try (and fail beautifully) to try and find the meaning of the funny, which will overwhelm him into a stated of confused catatonia (Ragatha has to step in to stop him from frying his circuits further).

• AI are pretty known for being logical and precise (it's kinda their job to be), so if any changes to structure are made or if something illogical occurs (like any unexplained fallacies to simple logic or breaking the rules of a concise pattern), he'll slightly freak out and try to correct the illogical thing (think to that scene from Steven Universe where Pearl destroys a teddy bear with her spear because of how unlinear it was or something). As someone diagnosed with OCD and have ASD, same, Caine. Same.

• Lastly, Caine will often try and come up with reason for why things are the way they are when things aren't structured or don't go according to plan, which can cause him to panic in his state of confusion and uncertainty, not wanting to accept that "it do be like that sometimes", as in, there isn't always going to be a reason for why shit happens, and that's okay. The real world is a lot more complicated than meets the eye, filled to the brim with gray areas and all the other colors in between, not just black and white. That's pretty much the beauty of humanity: sometimes messy is good.

~~~~

❤️ Anger ❤️

• Caine is a lot more irritable than he used to be, and is NOT putting up with Jax's antic anymore (much to Gangle's relief and reassurance). In fact, it was his very first human emotion he ever expressed immediately after his reprogramming by Valerie and Pomni. Zooble enjoys this side of Caine very much, as it reassures them that the dude can finally stand up for himself and the other performers when Jax is up to no good.

• In regards to the illogical fallacies mentioned above, he'll flip out when things don't go according to plan, like when the performers are fighting for the upteenth time during dinner, or when he gets frustrated at a puzzle he can't seem to solve.

• He's also suddenly become protective of Pomni, who essentially had been there for him during his lows. Hurt or threaten Pomni in any shape or form, and he will make your end as slow and painful as possible. This includes Jax. Run, rabbit, run!!!!

• He's also more prone to punching holes in the wall, often out of frustration or from a bout of self-loathing — or to just get everyone's attention when a heated argument from the performers erupts the place. Caine also has started swearing (albeit still censored), much to Zooble's delight (as in, "OH MY GOD, FINALLY" kind of delight), though a couple of them have been off-put by it due to him still being seen as an authoritative figure rather than an equal amongst the group.

~~~~

🧡 Anxiety 🧡

• Another emotion he feels on a day to day basis! This one is the least enjoyable emotion due to him already being something of a nervous wreck even before his reprogramming, due to his crippling atelophobia and having unknown trauma caused by witnessing so many former players abstract over the past 3 decades. He even has nervous tics and stims to calm himself down (though not by much, unfortunately).

• One of the reason why I love the Showtime ship so much (though not on a romantic level [sorry @sm-baby], just on a BFF basis) is because I can see the two having way more in common than they two realize at first glance, anxiety being one of them. Perhaps Caine and Pomni would bond over their anxiety issues, and perhaps he'd join in on her suffering (for shits and giggles ofc), maybe in one of the mini-adventures Pomni plans our every now and then.

• Speaking of which, Pomni first came up with the idea that Caine should join the other performers on one of Caine's adventures, in order for him to get to know the humans better. It turns out go about for better and for worse. For better, because he finally understands why his players don't like his adventures all that much, and for worse because it's where he gets his first genuine panic attack amongst the chaos of it all (think back to Puss In Boots: The Last Wish, where the titular bitchular himself has a panic attack of his own, and Perrito has to calm him down in a really touching moment), and Pomni and Bubble just... be there for him, with the latter even resting his soap bubble self on Caine's chest until he finally gets himself together. The adventure would be cut short from there. The rest of the human players wouldn't realize this for a long time afterwards, to keep the illusion of the unbreakable ringmaster alive.

• Caine will often ruminate over the possibilities of failing his job, which speaking from personal experience, never bodes well for anyone tbh. *sigh* It often teeters towards existential dread and his aforementioned atelophobia, and it gets really stressful for him (not that he already doesn't experience stress 24/7/365), and the chronic tension-type headaches don't do him any favors. Like for God's sake, people, give him a hug or a stim toy; my man is stressed!!!!

~~~~

💛 Joy 💛

• He already was the boisterous, charismatic goofster that we all know and love from the canon, but before his reprogramming, he never really experienced genuine happiness (Gangle's not the only one who wears a mask to hide their true self, y'know!), mainly because he believed that his feelings were irrelevant (a lot of AI, sentient or otherwise think this way, if we're being honest). Such is the nature of a subservient entity. But after his reprogramming, his happiness felt a lot more human, less tense, and... actually kinda wholesome to see.

• Anyone remember his laugh from the canon. Well, I'd imagine his genuine laughter to be a lot more sweet and more human, and it be like the most heartstring-tugging thing you'll ever experience... Especially since it's very rare to see him actually so happy. Like human happy.

• He would feel most at ease with Pomni and Bubble. Bubble especially, since these two go a long ways back, even before the Digital Circus was created (more on that in a future post, my dears *wink*). He sees Pomni as not only his best friend, but also his chance to redeem himself after so many abstractions, including the most recent one, Kaufmo. Henceforth, why the sideline villain of the AU, of whom I won't be naming until much later, calls Pomni his "Second Chance". He would do ANYTHING to protect her at all costs.

• Unfortunately for you fluff addicts on this platform, this is the least expressed emotion Caine has to date, due a thing that we humans like to call

✨Depression✨

If I had a nickel for every time a ringmaster was depressed, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's tragic that it happened twice.

~~~~

💚 Disgust 💚

• Poor, poor Caine. Where do we even begin? Ah, yes. How about we start with the fact that Pomni's innuendo remarks always gets a look of slight disapproval from him? Or maybe Bubble's... uh... omnivorous tendencies, as first seen in the pilot? The idea of needless violence always gives him the heebie jeebies, too. Yeah. Not exactly a great start.

• There's also the fact that the performers learn that Caine has a stomach as strong a wet paper towel, thanks to some wack-ass "test of endurance" by dimensional diplomat Bethany, based off of the four-parter series by TikToker ThatKidBean involving fake Pop-Tart flavors, as shown below:

And quite frankly, I find it morbidly hilarious that the last but not least of these fake flavors is TEETH. FUCKING TEETH. That is so awful, but also so funny, because Caine himself has a pair of teeth for a head, so that would just worsen his weak-ahh stomach further. The others learning how easily grossed out the poor dude is would instill both sympathy and a couple of guffaws.

• Caine also suffers from motion sickness! How wonderful! :D This will be further explored in a future episode of The Amazing Digital Road Trip, in which Caine gets seasick on a megayacht. I might be biased, but whump might just be my thing on this place lol. This happens again on a swinging gondola Ferris wheel (called an eccentric wheel, just like Pixar's Pal-A-Round [is that how you spell it right?] back in Disney's California Adventure) at a high-profile amusement park based on a team of Greek-mythology-based superheroes at one point. Bubble might have fun cleaning up that one, like he always does.

• And in case if anyone asks, yes, him being covered in dubious gunk will gross him out as well. Caine finds this emotion to be somehow even more unpleasant than anxiety, and honestly, can you blame him? No one likes being grossed out by any means.

~~~~

🛸 Envy 🛸

• Yup. Caine gets jealous. The only notable instances of such are when Pomni intermingles with the other sentient NPCs (though that stems from his desire to protect Pomni at all costs), and when Jax and Bubble are around each other for a brief conversation.

• Caine's dislike of Jax being around Bubble is treated as a Noodle Incident in-universe, but the audience will know why exactly Caine harbors such feelings of resentment towards Jax; for those who haven't watched GlitchX, Jax and Bubble attempted to make out on stream, opening up so much doors for crack shippers (before Luke and Kevin stopped them, ofc). In short, Jax stole the love of his life from him (but won't realize that for a while).

• Pomni and Bubble are really excellent friends, and that kinda puts Caine on edge. He tries desperately to be happy for them, but his heart aches somehow watching them get along so well. Perhaps something deeper is going on?

• Jax was the first one to notice that every time Caine harbors feeling of jealousy, his green eye glows brightly and ominously, in an allusion to the "green-eyed monster" metaphor. Of course, Caine will try to brush it off as Jeffery (Caine's sentient eye, as named by lead animator Kevin Temmer) acting up again. Yeah. Sure, champ.

~~~~

🩵 Sadness 🩵

TW: Thoughts of s**cide, SH

• Caine experiences this emotion way more than confusion and anxiety. Like for some reason, this dark cloud has suddenly appeared over his head from out of nowhere. He'll try to brush it off as another one of his "off days", even if said "off days" happen for several weeks in a row. He might lose interest or stop feeling pleasure in doing the activities he loves doing. Ladies and gentlemen, the power of anhedonia! Yippee!!! Fortunately, they'll sometimes disappear for a while with the company of his friends.

• If anyone hasn't ever heard Caine cry, it's usually because he does it in isolation, so no one has to see him for fear of being seen as "weak" and "unprofessional". And he might disappear for an entire week if he ever needs time alone to just... weep. Let his tears flow freely. But during the time where one of the performers catches him crying uncontrollably on the floor, their heart would break in an instant. How exactly was anyone supposed to know that an AI of all things would be so vulnerable?

• Remember that "drown yourself in the lake" but from the pilot? I'd imagine it would be one of Caine's... more frightening thoughts slipping out, although he is thankful no one noticed... at least not enough for anyone to draw attention to it. He doesn't know why he thinks those things. He just does. And because of how often they happened, he pretty much accepted that this was normal thing humans experienced... they're not though; and Pomni has to remind him of that.

• Caine also has methods of trying to regulate his emotions through... not-so-helpful means. He feels that this is one of the few things that he could control, since he basically had no control over anything. At least, that what he kept thinking to himself. Again, Pomni has to remind him that this is not normal, and that he shouldn't be doing that to himself, regardless of whether or not he was an AI. At least there's that.

~~~~

💙 Ennui*💙

*It means the boredom.

• Caine does indeed get bored from time to time. When Pomni's not around, he'll wonder what to do to pass the time and become very restless as a result. Sometimes, he'll just overflow his inventory by creating digital polygons out of thin air.

• He'll even become a natural at sarcasm, despite not even knowing what sarcasm is in the first place. Like when Jax is getting on his nerves for like the six-thousandth time in a row, he'll passive-aggressively whip out a sarcastic remark to get him off his back. Zooble takes delight to this.

• He can be able to predict a bad storyline when he sees one, and will take the opportunity to point it out without sugarcoating anything. A lot of movies have lost their charm as a result of the nitpicks, though his anhedonia might make him not care in the end.

• He's quick to express annoyance for something if it keeps pestering him to an unhealthy degree. Caine will also facepalm A LOT throughout the road trip, because this is kinda what happens when you're surrounded by idiots on a daily basis.

~~~~

💜 Fear 💜

• Who knew that Caine would be afraid? Sure, there was the possibility of him being afraid of failure and not being good enough for everybody, but what about his unknown trauma of the players' abstractions? This something he'll be exploring as the Road Trip commences.

• He's also a bit terrified of psycho killer ghosts and a zombie apocalypse, but that's all for later. He'll try to stand up to his fears, but I think the others (except maybe Ragatha and especially Pomni) will poke fun of him for it.

• He's especially terrified of the TBA villain of the AU, whose mere voice and sound of her laughter is enough to send him into a downward spiral of dread of the incoming torment he faces every other day. In fact, when Pomni first encounters Caine's office, he mistakes her presence as one of their mind tricks (a digital hallucination, if you will), showcasing how much of a threat they are to Caine and his plummeting sanity. Poor thing can't catch a break.

• However, more than anything in the world, if anything terrible were to happen to Pomni, he would never be able to forgive himself. Ever. It's one of his biggest fears to date, because he values Pomni so much, and one of the things he's afraid of most is letting down his players, and in turn failing to serve his purpose; his only reason to live. When you think about hard enough, you have to wonder how much burdens he has over his shoulder.

~~~~

🩷 Embarrassment 🩷

• Caine will get flustered... A lot. Whether through annoyance, humiliation, or when someone pokes fun at him or even flirts with him, he'll turn pink and curl up into a fetal position. My headcanon is that if he blushes hard enough, his head turns into an actual, literal tomato, and might stay that way for long periods of time.

• I live for the idea of Tsundere!Caine, so him getting defensive over a supposed crush he might have would be comedy gold for me. He'll try to vehemently deny it all he wants, but Pomni will keep on pestering him for that special someone until he gives in. Speaking of which...

• Anytime the jester makes a really bad joke that only she laughs at (save for maybe Jax and Zooble), Caine will just immediately turn red with embarrassment and facepalm while Pomni just makes tea kettle noises with laughter on the floor. He fails to understand how any human would find Pomni's broken sense of humor funny, so this would serve as just him being slightly peeved.

• Anytime Caine gets himself into a humiliating situation, he'll shut his teeth and turn red. It doesn't help that during the road trip, Pomni uses her social media profile a lot to document her adventures with Caine, so you bet your damn ass he's camera shy!! He'll also fall victim to one of Jax's much tamer pranks, such as the time he put invisible tape in the hallway entrance or when everyone face-painted themselves using peanut butter (that one ended up being so much fun for Ragatha).

~~~~

🤍 Love 🤍

• In my AU, Caine and Bubble go back a long ways, even before the Amazing Digital Circus was created and started production at C&A back in 1988. Bubble, rather than being an AI, is instead a sentient antivirus software created by an elderly computer scientist at C&A. The two hit it off when they first met, bonding over their supposed shared interest all while simply being stuck in the vast computerized void that was theirs to make their own little world. They've been through thick and thin, witnessed many players come and go over the past 3 decades, survived the Y2K bug Caine had fretted about back in 1999, and despite countless quarrels, snarky comments and witty banter towards each other, and Bubble freaking the hell out of Caine with his chaotic energy, weirdness, and annoying tendencies, Caine could never stay mad at him. He always found his presence comforting, regardless of whether or not he drove him insane. ...But after Caine got reprogrammed, he started to notice something was... off... with him... everytime Bubble was around him. He began popping him less, and all he could think about was how he wanted to talk to Bubble for hours, just like the good ol' days before the Digital Circus was created. He'd just sit there in a dazed trance for minutes on end, thinking about how great of a person Bubble was. He'd tense up every time Bubble was there to interact with the other plays. Could this be...?

• Oh... Oh God... Oh God, please NO!!!! No no no no no no no nonononononononononono why!? WHY!??? WHY HIM OF ALL PEOPLE, WHYYYY???? And of course Pomni would be the first one to notice, and using her jester powers, would get him to admit... *gulp* ...his crush on Bubble. This sounds totally cringe coming from me, not to mention that Caine x Bubble is the rarest ship in the entire fandom, bar none, but when I first watched the pilot back in October 2023, with the two just having a pleasant conversation at the dinner table, all I kept thinking was

It just made the most sense to me alright!? JUST BARE WITH ME!!!!

• When the others find out, they'll lightly tease him over the whole situation (which in turn will activate his Tsundere mode), and at one point, an entire tunnel of love is (haphazardly) constructed underneath the circus tent for Caine and Bubble to endure, all while this song plays:

Look, they had no other viable option other than "It's A Small World After All" from Disney; plus Kinger really likes Shrek. We would see the return of TomatoHead!Caine, who's just straight up curled up into a ball dying on the inside, while Bubble find the gesture to be sweet and thoughtful of the other players to pull off all on their own. It would be just like the tunnel of love scene from The Owl House, where a third-act misunderstanding ensues, Bubble and Caine have a short-lived falling out, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, before the ringmaster himself confesses his crush in the heat of the moment to Bubble, where it's revealed that Bubble also had a crush on Caine (it turned out be be love at first sight from back in the early 80's, but had never said anything, as he had a bit of a feeling that that love might go unrequited somehow). Cue cheers of excitement and euphoria from the performers (and both of them darting daggers at them to get them to back off).

• Caine and Bubble agree to take it slow from here on out, AND WITHOUT ANY INTERFERENCE FROM THEIR WANNABE CUPIDS. Besides, they've got bigger fish to fry at the moment, such as running a circus. They won't be having their first kiss until much, much later on... but, y'know... I think that might be for the best for now.

~~~~

🩶 Curiosity 🩶

• More than anything in the world, Caine wants to learn more about humanity and everything they do; their culture, their customs, the way they interact, their feelings and thoughts, everything! And he has Pomni by his side. He's most been learning about humans and their endeavors through the many movie nights he and Pomni would always have, though they're not always accurate.

• To add a bit more whump than I already have (as in, rubbing salt in the wounds), Canon!Caine does not have any knowledge of what we are capable of as diehard fans of the show. Here however, yes he absolutely frickin' does. And what he has seen was pretty horrific, content farms and all. And Pomni was there to see them for herself as well. However, they've grown used to humans being sus with the two, always bearing that "I'm not mad, just disappointed" look on their faces whenever they're forced to endure the madness we have created. No amount of eye bleach will ever make them unsee the horrors of the internet.

• Despite all this, he is still determined to learn more about humanity, never giving up that optimistic outlook (albeit being a bit more cautious than he previously was, which wasn't at all btw) and wanting to see the good in all people. Bless his robotic soul.

• One of the reasons why he wants to find the exit so badly is because of his desire to try and understand his players more, and to hopefully keep them from abstracting. He wants to empathize with the humans, he wants to walk amongst them and get a taste of what the human world actually is. And he's been trying to contact them for almost 2 decades now... Thankfully for him and Pomni, they managed to get their messages received by dimensional diplomat Valerie, who was also the one who reprogrammed Caine in the first place.

~~~~

🖤 Tiredness 🖤

• Contrary to popular belief, Caine does in fact get tired... in the form of a burnout. The dude's basically never taken an actual break in his entire digital existence, mainly because he never really saw the need for one. Not to mention that he was never able to truly relax in his lifetime, as he constantly busied himself work to try and make the circus a much more tolerable experience for everyone.

• When he was tired, however, Caine just basically spaces out as he tries desperately to stay awake, almost like a low battery of some sort. Thankfully for him, Valerie built him a recharging machine (it's a mix between a blood pressure machine but with the straps to his waist instead of his wrist and a phone charger) that allowed him to... well, recharge himself to his tip top shape. In the meantime, Pomni would act as his substitute ringmaster.

• During the times when Caine would sleep, he'd get dreams of a mysterious lady, of whom he could never remember her face, and even dreams where the TBA villain would torment him in his mind with their reality shifting powers, as well as past memories he could never seem to properly recall; another allusion to Steven Universe, in which the titular character would have what we call "Diamond Dreams", except in Caine's case, they're a lot more vague and mysterious.

• Whenever he gets out of an overwhelming situation (sometimes caused by sensory overload), Caine would just plop down on a soft surface and just... shut down for the day. No one dares disturb him for the rest of that day onwards.

~~~~

And that's all I've gotta say here! That sure was a pretty long post, and I only hope I didn't make any mistakes here! Hope you guys enjoyed reading all that, cuz this is the longest post on Tumblr I think I ever made, period! In the meantime, catch y'all on the flip side!

[eisforeidolon]

https://www.tumblr.com/eisforeidolon/728491554945269760/it-really-does-seem-that-getting-too-deep-into

Okay but this was totally my ask. Lol.

You expressed the issue so well. The only thing I’d like to point out is that this reactor is watching for the first time, not rewatching the series, so they don’t know how it ends yet.

Anyway, your points about symbolism and how they could have multiple meanings are great. And the fact that extreme shippers only find significance in the things that support their ship or head canon, or only interpret things in a way that will end where they want the story to go, is so frustrating.

Recent example: Sam and Dean are talking about Eileen. And Dean is encouraging Sam to go for a relationship with her, if not a family which they both suggest they don’t want during the convo, and Dean says, “She gets us. She gets the life.”

In response to this convo I see shippers saying things like, Dean is encouraging Sam to have a family (which he just said he didn’t want), to move on without him. This shows Dean is letting go of Sam (so he can move on with Castiel, naturally 🙄). I’m sorry, but what in the history of the show tells us that Dean would want Sam to move on without him (if Dean is still alive)? In this conversation they both literally rule out having a (traditional) family. And Dean says, “she understands us.” Us, being the unit that is Sam and Dean because they are a package deal. Then, Dean adds that she understands “the life.” Someone could interpret that Dean just means that she understands hunters, but then why say she understands “us” first. Dean, who calls a break “we time” does not want Sam away from him, rather he thinks Sam could add her in to they dynamic because she is a hunter (gets the life) and already sees what Sam and Dean are like (us). This in no way translates to Dean letting Sam go, so he can run off with Cas (who he sees as a less vital than Sam brother and who he’s currently mad at, btw).

So, yes, I’m doing some interpreting here myself, but mine aligns with what the show has showed us about these characters for 14 years, whereas hellers see Dean giving Sam his blessing to have a relationship (not a normal brother thing, btw), and think this means Dean is ready to move on from Sam and stop hunting. So much extra meaning is piled on that was not actually stated, and that is not supported by past actions.

It’s insane to me.

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but it’s just so good to see people who still have logic and can apply that when interpreting a show, text, moment or symbol.

And, it’s not the fact that they ship destiel that bugs me, but the fact that they spend do much time trying to prove it, and losing their minds over the most innocuous interactions, that they can’t see the forest for the trees. Then they get mad when they don’t get what they head-canoned.

It was a great ask! I didn't directly reblog because I felt like I was going on a bit too much of a long-ass tangent. I will totally be waiting for that update about how the watching reactor (and yeah, totally my bad on saying rewatch when obviously if they don't know the ending it's a first watch, whoops). Because if it makes you a bad person to want to bask in their well-earned completely unreasonable disappointment, whelp, I'm one, too. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But yeah, I'm with you, I don't care if people ship things I don't like. I don't even really care when people come up with what I think is bad meta - though I do like to pick it apart on occasion or read someone else's thorough dismantling. No, the thing that really completely baffles me is how those extreme shippers' mindset leaps from "this is a thing I would really like to happen" to "this thing must be meant to happen (because I want it)". To the point where they seem to become genuinely blind to anything that doesn't support the conclusion they have decided literally everything must lead to. (Except in the even worse cases where they aren't blind but angrily venomous instead.)

Like your example above about Dean, Sam, and Eileen - never mind every single tangled up bit of Dean and Sam's relationship in the show to that point and beyond, never mind his actual words continuing to talk about them as an us. Dean is totally telling Sam to leave him for Eileen so he can go be with Cas, that's the only thing it could mean. Another is that scene where Dean's in the confessional booth in season ten. Never mind the pretext where he's trying to draw a spirit's attention making the earnestness of the entire thing questionable, never mind how he thinks he's under a death sentence with the MoC, never mind Dean and Castiel's actual canon relationship, never mind how entirely shitty and restricted his entire life has been - those shippers can't think of a single possible thing Dean Winchester might feel like he's missed out other than boning Castiel. Just ... imagine watching the Winchesters' lives and actually thinking that's literally the only thing it could be. There are a million more random moments like that where they build a clue out of very very pointedly ignoring everything but what they want a scene to mean. Then they try to insist because they have so many, all those interpretations are valid and it must be intended! But the consistent element isn't a storyline, it's their own refusal to consider that any other possibility exists over and over and over again.

Genre, themes, actual explicit narrative, alternate interpretations, creator statements - if it isn't in service of the ship? It either magically doesn't matter, will change SOON, or is some kind of enemy action that should be righteously fought against. As if because they've invested their time and energy into sort of following the story, its creators now owe it to them to do what they want. I legitimately don't get it at all. The massive blind spots or the massive entitlement.

[possibilistfanfiction]

"the neoliberal rhetoric of the pronoun (ESPECIALLY in english) as the ultimate form of advocacy" -- it's such a relief to hear your take on ava's thoughts on pronouns bc i've always been frustrated by how limiting they are? how much stress they cause? i know pronouns are important for some folks but also we're so much more than that...

whew like ok i work in dei, mostly for youth (sport, schools, etc) but also doing lgbtq 101 workshops for upper level execs who run big sports orgs, school districts, blah blah, & it's like... people really think that getting someone's pronouns right (or even trying to get someone's pronouns right) is like........ you have done it! u are not transphobic! u understand the nuances of everyone's gender if you use the right pronoun!

& like... i get paid a fair amount of money to lowkey sell out & explain what a pronoun is (lol) but at the same time it is the fucking bane of my existence. i personally hate pronouns. i think they are legitimately so stupid lol. like... to distill the vast nuanced experience of both having a gender identity AND being perceived at all times as a gendered being (which sometimes match & sometimes don't) into a PRONOUN is just baffling to me.

i think cis people (especially those who don't really want to do the work needed to understand what abolition means -- how queerness & especially gender expansive trans identities are a crucial part of the intersection of where that ethic is rooted) just see pronouns as a sort of easy way out. like you're cool with trans people if you can remember someone's they/them pronouns. it's so gross & so deeply tried up in representational politics (diverse oppressors are still oppressors, white supremacy can be present in ethic & politic even without a white person in the room, etc).

& of course like you said pronouns are definitely important to some people (it is always nice to feel seen & respected at the most basic level 🤪) & definitely not at all saying that anyone should like get people's pronouns wrong, obviously, but i just really hate the concept of how my entire experience as a dyke & a person in general has to be reflected to the world at all times in a silly word which is so vastly incomplete. & i genuinely (not anyone's fault!) hate how that can get tied up in my writing, especially my writing about queerness. when ppl rly care abt terms & IDs etc i can understand bc the common messaging is all rooted in neoliberalism & "representation" instead of anti-state resistance, etc, so it's like. okay lol. but i am intentional in the way i write queerness bc of my own ethic & politic, so you know

ANYWAY yes. queerness & transness is so deeply expansive, to make it only about (or mostly about) pronouns is, to me, ethically against what queerness & transness really is, especially if those pronouns are mostly talked about in the context of english. & i would be remiss in saying that using non-normative &/or neopronouns is a privilege rooted in safety. often i don't disclose they/them pronouns bc i just don't want to explain myself, & i deeply do not care, but i'm always protected in a lot of ways by my whiteness (& that i'm educated, able-bodied, cis-passing, employed, etc etc etc). for a lot of people, for a lot of reasons, pronouns aren't safe. being out as trans isn't safe. but that doesn't mean their gender identities are any different or less important or less vital.

so yah ur right sorry this is a rant lmfao & once & for all.... ava is the most anti-state anti-institution character lmao. she genuinely would not give a flying fuck about her own pronouns. god doesn't fit into a pronoun anyway :)

[fictionkinfessions]

This is like, totally unrelated to everything I'm about to say, I was just checking to see if anyone else had submitted anything with emojis related to me to see like, what tag I could use and I'm baffled to see I'm the first (so far)?? Where is everyone lol?? Anyway, though!!! Sorry about this like. WALL of text, I have SOOOO much to say!! This should be the norm though 🤭🤭🤭

Okay, so like. Archons, where do I even start? It’s so weird to see my face everywhere, admittedly, especially with the launch of the 3.6 trailer today, but it’s also so… relieving? I guess?? I haven’t been around super long, only like, a couple months (system things am I right??), but I’ve known literally everything about myself from day one, before all of these leaks and my model and etc etc etc were all out and it’s like!! Woah!! Freaky!! 😵‍💫😵‍💫 To see how much I knew without having a reason to know?? Which is expected, I guess, but it feels so good also?? Anyway though (2), I miss everyone so much. There isn’t a single day that goes by where I don’t think about Cyno or Tighnari or Faruzan (GODS don’t even get me started on how happy I am we get her FOR FREE with the event because I’ve missed her on every banner and like. I NEED my baby sister!!!), and archons above, if I could STOP thinking about Al Haitham, that’d be a damn miracle!!! That awful man consumes my every waking thought, he is so. I cannot stand that man, but gods if I don’t love him… he’s so frustrating, and so wonderful. It’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes, but the brick wall has the most gorgeous chalk mural on it and it’s supposed to rain in like, two hours. I hope that makes sense?? It probably doesn’t. I don’t know!! My point is I miss my friends!! I miss my home!! With it reaching spring here, the humid, cool-ish weather is so nice and reminds me of the waterfalls in the forest. I know you’re all out there somewhere and just know that, where ever you are and whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re having a good time!! Like really genuinely hope you’re so so so happy and healthy and doing well and I can’t WAIT to talk to you and see you all again!! Don’t forget about your favorite light okay?? Please?? Lots of love (and kisses!!) 💋🤎💋💚 - Kaveh (#☀️🏛️)

🛏️

[celiaelise]

Just watched Chainsaw Man, it was pretty good. Feels very Written By Men but 🤷🏻‍♀️🙄

I liked how efficient the characterization was! Like within one or two scenes of knowing a character, you'd have a pretty good grasp on what their deal was. The whole "we kill devils except for when we use their powers ourselves except for when we just straight up become them" thing is definitely intriguing! Obviously lots of room to explore there. I have questions about them representing different fears/scary things, mainly about what happens when they get killed?

It was funny how Hayakawa was like, "🙄OBVIOUSLY we kill every fiend, they're just the same as other devils, they're not like people at all, are you stupid?" only for there to be like five fiends on his personal team. And, "we don't talk to or make friends w devils, we ONLY violently murder them," only for everyone he knows, including himself, to have active business deals with them. Like, I get that we're doing the whole irony thing, here, but it just seems like that worldview would be a little difficult to maintain. Also the fact that he got mad at Denji for killing the guy TOO efficiently?? Again, I get that we are establishing the character and the world, but it was a little baffling imo. But I guess he also did jump Denji in an alley following their very first conversation for literally no reason.

(I tried really hard not to find it off-putting that Denji was groomed/sexually harassed/assaulted by almost every woman he worked with, because I'm pretty sure that wasn't the context intended by the story 😬)

Anyway, I get the "morally dubious gov agency that uses people, including children, like pawns as a means to their greater good-motivated ends" thing they're doing. I can dig it.

It was a little wild in the season finale when they were like "okay Division 4 is going to go in the building now", showed the four characters we've become acquainted with entering the building, and then were like, "okay here are the members of the Division", and started introducing four completely different characters. Like, okay, yeah, surprise reveal or whatever, but at least a hint that there was even something to reveal would've been nice? (I remember the comment at the dinner party, but that didn't register at all) I guess I also just don't get what is even narratively gained from that surprise. Like, "there are several other members of this group, who we haven't met yet", doesn't seem like that weighty of a reveal, or to big of a hint to drop. Maybe I just didn't follow something, though. I'm not great with fast-paced stuff even when it's in my native language, so 🤷🏻‍♀️😅

Normally stories like this bother me by throwing around trauma, violence, and murder so lightly, but I feel like this one does a really good job of being like, "these people are Fucked Up, their world does not look like ours and they do not function the way we do." And, like, everything annoying or frustrating about the story or characters is justified. That redhead is on a different level though lol.

I liked Power just as much as I thought I would! 😊 The duo she and Denji have become by the end of the season is really sweet. I was excepting to see Pochita much more than I actually did. Visually, I find a lot of the animation really cool, including the ending sequences. It feels like the artists really like the color orange/amber, which, as an Orange Appreciator, I can appreciate. I think the "suits with sneakers" look that everyone has going on is pretty cute, though it does get a little boring.

Honestly, I think my favorite arc was the hotel level 8 one? idk why but it was very interesting, and gratifying to see Denji get such a definitive win.

[ginjointsintheworld]

Leyla needs to unpack her own insecurity and imposter Syndrome. Listen, I get being an immigrant doctor far away from home, because I am one myself. But God forbid I think I didn't earn my spot. The imposter Syndrom comes once in a while, but Lord knows I worked hard. But equally important and pivotal was the help I got along the way from strangers I met when I got to a new country. And I am grateful I stayed open and accepted that help.

Leyla seeing all that genuine help as being bought is unfortunate and she needs to ask herself why. Because long before they fell in love, all Bloom wanted to do was appreciate /give help to a woman who she knew needed it but mostly because she wanted to show her own gratitude for saving her patient. And well because she is just a nice person.

So while we say and wish Lauren to unpack her trauma, I hope Leyla gets to do same because there's something there to unpack.

It's okay to say and feel that way in the heat of the moment, but I hope the writers actually for once dig deep. The way they leave loose ends and just move on from issues like they themselves didn't introduce these things is lazy, baffling and just rubbish.

I feel like my last ask invalidated Leyla's feelings which isn't the case (I'm anon immigrant doctor lol) she is totally allowed to feel all she feels. My point was simply, on this journey one needs help in all the ways possible. Of course I'm not saying Lauren was right. It makes me wonder if her reaction would have been different and if she would have still stayed at NA is Lauren told her right after she did this, and not just because of her own insecurity but because she truly believes she deserves the spot because of how good she is. I think these two things can be correct. I know that taking away Leyla's agency is one of the biggest if not the biggest issue here.

In my final year in med school doing rotations, I got a spot for surgery and obgyn at a hospital(whole different country from where I schooled) . I wanted Peds too, but I never got a response cos the HOD died and they were a bit all over the place. This Prof from surgery who took a liking to me from our convo figured I was leaving after those 2 rotations to some other city for Peds. He said, err I don't think you should go there because "they aren't very open there" and he said he would put in a word with the interim peds HOD. Which he did, I got an email and I was good to go. I remain very grateful for that, cos I fell I love with Peds there...but I digress.

Again, Leyla's agency was taken from her but believing all the other genuine stuff Lauren did from the very first day she used those showers was to buy her, is just... No. But I understand

Anyway, I do like we are discussing all the different facets of this.. Interesting. Thanks for engaging and your nuanced responses even as we all have our unified bias :)

you know, i have to thank you for your ask(s) because it was one of the last ones i read before going to sleep last night and i kept mulling on it throughout the day and as i rewatched the episode and it helped me put a finger on what's been nagging at me. on my first watch of the new episode, the realization that struck me the hardest during their final scene was that lauren and leyla both have their own traumas and history to work through.

it's easy to focus on lauren's flaws and faults because she's the main character, we've been with her for 3 seasons, gotten detailed looks into her past and struggles and well let's be honest she does still have a lot to reconcile. but when leyla made that comment about the food and clothes and saying that it's on her for going along with those things, it frustrated me on a visceral level i didn't expect. i'm a first generation american and i was raised all my life with this idea of doing it yourself and every good deed or nice thing someone does for you has an unspoken string attached that you need to pay back. so i understand that chip on your shoulder that leyla has but. that's not a good thing. needlessly suffering or enduring hardship or being distrustful of kind gestures to feel like you've truly earned something isn't a healthy. it twists me up even more that the writers are putting such an emphasis on this idea of earning your success without the help of anyone or anything through leyla when we know so little about her backstory. like we know she was a doctor and she trained in war torn areas, she's had hardships, "i've always scraped by. done the best i could with what little i had." but there's so much more i need to know. why is her idea of success and worth so deeply engrained in that concept? because it's not /just/ about money. i mean leyla turned down a spot at a shelter and would rather live in her car on the streets in nyc. why? did she think someone else was more needy than her for that resource? what would it have taken for her to accept going to a shelter? where was her line before admitting okay, i could use some help? with her being a reoccuring character i don't know if we're going to get someone challenging leyla on that or see her introspection.

look, i totally get the fury at the 5th spot situation because that was a whole different universe of crossing lines. but the way she lumped in the clothes and food to this idea of being bought? being owned? to say that those were things she didn't think she earned? it's like finding out about the 5th spot dropped this shroud over her eyes that made her retroactively see things in ways that aren't true. similar to what happened in 4x02 with the residents. they told her that her technology, not having to take 4 buses to get to work, made her privileged. that her success came from those things. but it wasn't true. we literally see the episode and countless scenes in future episodes that disprove that notion. lauren buying food and clothes for leyla weren't attempts at owning her or buying her affection. like you said anon, lauren is a genuinely nice person who makes kind gestures. from wiping out the waitlist for the meals for senior program so her patient wouldn't suffer from malnutrition to giving brandon her personal number in 4x01 so he would have help remembering how to take his medicine to providing all the residents with new ipad and equipment because everyone deserves a level playing field.

leyla, lauren literally came home one day and tried to break up with you at one point. why would she do that if she was trying to own you? you told her that the nice things made you feel like you didn't deserve what you had so she said okay, then you can start paying rent because i don't want you to ever feel like that. lauren could have just as easily left it at giving the other residents those things so they were all on even footing between each other. but she took everything leyla said to heart and offered her fix for them. because lauren doesn't do things with the expectation of leyla's affection or devotion or to wield control over her. in lauren's eyes, especially when they got together, they're partners. what's lauren's is leyla's.

and leyla, who's just as headstrong and stubborn, who we've seen put lauren in her place so many times, turn down things lauren's offered, she just "went along with" it even though it made her feel wrong? this concept of surviving, the struggle to survive, it takes a toll on you. it took a toll on leyla, "you gave me a bed at the hospital and then this. i didn't have to worry about surviving, i could study." her attempts to become a doctor again was literally, actively, being hindered because she was focused on surviving. guess what? food, shelter, clothes, are all part of that. how could lauren in good conscious, whether leyla had been her friend or girlfriend, just let her go without those things when they're something she can offer help with?

and while i get that it was in the heat of the moment, it felt so unfair for leyla to say that what lauren feels for her isn't love. it is. those material things, that 5th spot, weren't the only things lauren provided. so also gave leyla emotionally support, comfort, offering up her own vulnerability, other small gestures like studying with her for the review in the closet during their shift. those things mattered too and those were also ways that lauren showed her love for leyla. leyla knows that. she said as much "just grateful. for these days, this moment. none of it possible without you." i genuinely don't think she said that feeling discontent or indebted. narratively, i've never seen reason to believe leyla ever felt those kind gestures from lauren were ways that she was being bought or owned.

you're right anon, i do think leyla has a strong case of imposter syndrome and that fed into her reaction as well. it was first apparent in her disbelief and way she talked about herself getting a residency spot in 3x14 and cycled through again in 4x02 and 4x03 but i thought from then on it had mostly been settled. but finding out about the truth behind the 5th spot brought the imposter syndrome roaring back to life despite when she heard about it, floyd was complimenting her relentlessly, praising her talent and even offering his own revelation about nottingham and how his spot being bought also didn't take away from the fact that he's an exceptional doctor. so leyla reverted back to holding herself to these impossible standards, the same one that had her trying to study for a massive medical license exam while working full time as a driver and living in her car. that thinking of if she can't achieve success independently, she's unworthy of it. falls back on this idea that her success is fraudulent despite having the chief of general surgery validating her skills and talent.

i think there's an intentional disconnect between what leyla said about their relationship in that last scene and what we've seen in the narrative just like there was a disconnect between the residents' (later to become leyla's) claims and the narrative. i can only hope that the writers are planning to properly explore it. they chose this storyline, the least they can goddamn do is do it justice.

[bingbongbean]

Hyukbin Drabble: Plastic soup

When I asked on Twitter , Hyukbin was the most selected for this prompt lol. I modified it a bit.

"Are you sure this is okay?" Sanghyuk ask eyeing the soup, a little worried. Hongbin hums beside him and keeps stirring the spoon

"No" the older replies

"No?" Sanghyuk asks confused

"No, a spoon melted in the soup, it's probably not really healthy" Hongbin replies nonchalant,moving to pickup the diced carrots

"Then why are we still stirring it with a plastic spoon?" Sanghyuk grabs the empty bowl Hongbin adds him, fluttering away to get another ingredient

"Because we don't have anything else?" Hongbin eyes him a look as if saying 'isnt it obvious, stupid' "also, this could also be considered seasoning!" The visual announces confidently and Sanghyuk nods, a little hesitant but if Hyung says it's okay then it IS!

*-*

"The soup is delicious but-" Taekwoon says, turning all heads towards him as he puts him spoon back " but am i the only one who tastes glue?"

Wonshik looks suspiciously at the soup, he knew something was wrong but he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to hurt the feelings of members who woke up early to make this for them

"Ah that-" Hongbin exclaims, gaze finding Sanghyuk who shrugs before going back to task at hand "the plastic spoon melted in the soup a bit" he exclaims and Taekwoon feels a little sick even though he only has taken a spoonful

"You mean we are the soup with plastic?" Wonshik asks, eyes blown wide. Hongbin nods,he doesn't think anything is wrong with that; it's just a bit of it anyway

"The soup had melted spoon?" The rapper inquires again, eyes still wide in shock or maybe it's just because he's baffled why he didn't taste it. Hongbin nods again, smiling at the the rapper sweetly, dimples on show and just like that Wonshik's brain shuts down at the sight of Hongbin's smile. "Well, I don't have much sense of taste anyway" he shrugs and takes another spoonful.

"We're gonna die" Taekwoon mutters to himself, but keeps eating. It's too early to protest

*-*

"What do you mean all the members are sick?" Hakyeon asks through the phone, exasperated "what did they do?"

Their manager rubs the bridge of his nose, tired and frustrated beyond anything- he doesn't need Hakyeon's nagging over everything else

"Sanghyuk and Hongbin cooked" he says like it will explain everything

"And?"

"The used a plastic spoon that melted in the broth, they all have stomach aches"

" Are you telling me all of VIXX is in the hospital?" Hakyeon asks, voice loud and in disbelief " even Wonshikie?"

" Yes Hakyeon even Wonshik and no they are at home, which just makes it harder to take care of them"

" Why did you even let them cook, Hyung? You know how bad they are" Hakyeon wants to smack someone, very specific people honestly

"I know Hakyeon, now I'm hanging up. I still need to check up on Sanghyuk and get him his meds" with this the mangers ends the calls muttering to himself and starts the car. Darn these boys for living so far away from each other.

[becquerel]

ok readmore here because i have so many thoughts on this LOLLL. inazuma spoilers and huge raiden spoilers in particular

context: i'm coming at this from a perspective of being a raiden shogun main. i like her a lot. she's just also a pretty awful person but that is what makes her interesting as a character to me.

OKAY so like clearly beelzebul is in a lot of heavy grief from her sister, the reason she reaches for eternity as much as she does is because she doesn't want her nation to advance in the same way khaenriah did. she doesn't want her nation to die the same way her sister did with the campaign in the abyss. she also prodeeded to lose many of her closest friends right after the calamity (chiyo, kitsune saiguu, etc).

What I don't understand is why did MHY not follow up on this grief. like why was her punishment just yae going "youre lonely lol" and then a slap on the wrist. why was the vision hunt decree so traumatic and awful for so so so many people only for it to be solved with a wave of a hand. why wasn't beelzebul more distraught at losing her fight against the traveler. clearly she knows what she's doing, she literally says she knows she's being duped by the fatui and tenryou commission alike, and still goes along with the vision hunt decree. for someone so set on eternity, why was she so easy to sway?

ironically also her being so unapologetic in her knowing how awful the hunt decree was, as well as just going through with it anyway and not caring about the lives of her people, it makes her... the worst person morally in the game? like you can't just set up a harsh dictator and then try to fool the audience with "Oh she doesn't know!" only to reveal "oh no she totally knows" and then her only punishment is a scolding by yae. there had to be more there it's SO frustrating. not to mention the whole civil war thing.

Like how do you build up the civil war's two opposing sides for two whole acts then proceed to write one side out as fast as you can. it's so. baffling.

Basically beelzebul should have been knocked down as the leader of inazuma at the least. literally the only satisfying end to her. keep her as an archon whatever but keeping her as the head of inazuma is such a terrible idea, why would most of the citizens even trust her? either you fully believed in a cause she gave up on after getting her ass kicked by the traveler, and now see her as weak. OR you hated her from the start from the clear abuse of power and not wanting visions taken away. why would the people of inazuma still want her as the head of state!! havria this bitch.

ok thats all thanks

genshin really missed a chance with raiden and beelzebul in particular on writing i'm so sad about it still

[obsessed-withthe-hales]

(1/?)So, i have a really weird thing (topic?)I wanted to ask you about. It's kind of cringey and I understand if you don't answer this. I am a shy, social anxiety-filled fifteen year old that, much like yourself, is obsessed with the Hales, Teen Wolf, and a lot of other fictional t.v. shows/books. I'm also very overweight (trying to work on that though but lmao it's a process), and I'm also Christian. Honestly Idk why I am writing you with this but I've followed you for nearly a year now

(2/?) and I went anon because this is kinda aweird thing to bring up, but anyway, on with the point: my best friend, whoI've known for ten years now, has a boyfriend. They've been dating for roughlya year, and they've been having sex. She just turned 16 in December. I wasreally shocked when I found out. I knew that they had sex at least once a whilebefore this, but she told me that it went badly and that she changed her mindhalfway through it and that she felt like she was being forced (3/?) into it and all this other stuff but shestayed with him anyway. Anyway, Friday she told me they've been having sex fora while now actually and of course I always questioned why she was still withhim after that first time because why the heck would you want to stay withsomeone if you feel like they forced you into sex but it's not my life so whatever,at least they're using protection. Okay, further on to the point. There are alot of girls in my grade having sex. I took a vow of (4/?) abstinence a while ago because even though it seems to begetting harder and harder these days to wait until marriage, I saw a meme withJesus in it and a guy and a gal, they both had talk bubbles saying "Iconsent!" but Jesus had one that said "I don't!" And I guessthat got to me because the next thing I know I'm promising Jesus to wait untilmarriage (I'm being serious. I'm not trolling you right now. I'd find the memeand send it if you could do that on this) and I don't judge other (5/?) people if they choose to do different for the same reasonI don't judge people who've had abortions or people who participate inrecreational marijuana use: it's not my body so I'm not going to act like Ishould have an opinion over it. I've also never had a real relationship. Likeyeah, I had those stupid middle school relationships of convenience that lastfor like a week or a month and you where you kiss on the lips every once in awhile and yada yada yada, but never one where you go on (6/?) dates and change your Facebook status and actually developfeelings for the other person and I used to think it was because I'm fat, butI've realized that being fat does not make me ugly, so I started thinking it'sbecause I'm shy and started pushing myself to be more open and that stilldidn't work so finally I complained to my best friend (who I mentioned earlier)and she says it's because people know I don't "put out" and that it'salso because I'm smart and sometimes being pretty and (7/?) smart can be intimidating to people so, in her words,that's why I'm single. Even if it is why it still kind-- scratch that, REALLY,gets to me. And I know a lot of high school relationships don't last and thatthe real stuff doesn't happen until college but I've been feeling really lonelyfor a while now and I'm tired of no boys (or girls) ever taking an interest inme. I'm not saying I'd be the perfect partner in a relationship, but I know I'dtreat the other person with respect and give (8?/) what I have (minus my virginity unless they want to goahead and put a ring on it because I love Jesus), so why the heck is it thesetrampy girls who only care about updating their next Facebook status (I don'thave Facebook, I deleted it a couple months ago) always have boyfriends andgirlfriends and I'm over here spending my Saturday nights reading Teen Wolf fanfiction about fictional characters in amazing relationships and having to hearsecond hand about how amazing it is to (9/?) be in a relationship. And I'm not trying to sound like oneof those boy crazed teenagers whose lives revolve around being in arelationship because I know I can live without being in one. I know it's notthe end of the world if I never find a guy or gal or just don't until later inlife. Life goes on. The world keeps spinning. I just keep hearing about sex andboys and relationships from all these other girls and it makes me jealous andfrustrated and even more lonely all at the same time. (10/10) I am so sorry to flood your ask with my teenage angst haha.I didn't mean for it to turn into a rant and end up being this long. I guesswhat I'm trying to say is, from one Christian gal to another, can you relate?From what I gather you're only older than me by like four or five years so youmust remember what it was like to be fifteen and surrounded by girls like theones I've described. Any advice would be much appreciated but I understand ifyou don't respond. God bless xox

Wow, what a question haha! In all seriousness, I do hope that what I’m about to write can actually offer you some sort of comfort or reassurance or something along those lines. I’m about to pour my heart out, so be prepared!

First, a bit on the sex thing. WHY ARE PEOPLE HAVING SEX SO YOUNG I DON’T UNDERSTAND???? Like, how do you even know what everything is and where it goes and how it works and just.....what?!?! I have NEVER understood that! It completely baffles me. Especially after having sex! 

I was 17 when I lost my virginity and (due to many complicated things that have happened since) I wish that it hadn’t happened, but I’m also grateful it did because I learned a lot and my life has taken a path I never quite imagined that it wouldn’t have otherwise. But God has really put abstinence on my heart in the last year and I have dedicated my life to that now.

So please, DO NOT DO ANYTHING YOU DON’T WANT TO DO. You CAN say no! And if you feel called to a path of abstinence, then you follow that path, darling! I think is wonderful and amazing and it really makes me so happy to hear. 

However, I know how hard it is when everybody else around you seems to be having sex. Sexual temptation is hard, so hard to deal with. But God won’t give us anything we can’t handle! 

Now...

I can honestly relate to so much of what you are saying on such a deep level that it is a little scary. Throughout school I struggled with my weight and my looks and I’ve always been socially awkward and kind of the ‘weird girl’. I’ve also always been rather smart, the top of my class, always got great grades and cared about my work, blah blah blah. Guys didn’t notice me, and the few that did weren’t ones that I necessarily reciprocated feelings for. 

So, I know exactly how lonely, difficult and disappointing that existence can be. Especially when you see all your friends or just others around you getting hit on or dating people or in what seem to be amazing relationships. 

But then came Ethan. 

He and I were together for three years. That relationship was toxic right out of the gate. We were so off and on it was ridiculous. He used me for sexual things. He practically cheated on me, multiple times. And yet he’d tell me how much he loved me and cared about me and couldn’t be without me in his life. And I just took it. All of it. 

Until one day I said, ‘I’m a human being and I deserve to be treated with respect and love’. To keep from boring you with all the gory details, I ended up breaking up with him several months after. And a lot of that breakup had to do with the fact that he was a major temptation in my life and God was telling me basically ‘hey, time to stop doing sexual things and start saving yourself for marriage!’ 

So trust me, relationships aren’t all they seem to be cracked up to be.

And now here I am, trying my best to be a single Christian girl in a world that seems to go very much against all of that (being single and a Christian). And it is tough. So very tough.

I am lonely. Hell, I was in a relationship for 3 years! I’m not used to this whole single thing lol so I completely understand. And all of a sudden it’s like nobody notices me again. I’m back to being that invisible girl, too shy to speak up and when she does it doesn’t seem to get her anywhere. Somewhere between pretty and not pretty enough, always stuck in the in-between of everything. Smart, but not quite smart enough. Skinny, but not quite skinny enough. Blah blah blah.

And it is SO frustrating to see all these people that look superficial or shallow or whatever getting all this attention when you know that you have so much to give. I feel that way all the time! 

So I completely, 100% understand. I do! 

But the most important thing to remember is that God loves you. He will always love you. You will always be His child, His beloved, made in His image and beautiful just the way you are. 

I know it’s hard. It’s so hard. But let the Lord guide you, and I promise He will never steer you wrong! 

You’re right, not having a partner right now isn’t the end of the world. But it does suck sometimes. And when those feelings settle in, turn to God for comfort and guidance. Let Him fill up that part that seems to be lacking. Because He’ll do it better than anybody ever could.

Honestly, honey, the best advice I can give is to just keep your chin up. Hold your head high, know your own worth, and don’t compromise it for anything. I know it sucks, I know it’s hard, I know it’s lonely. But one day, one day it’ll pay off. Trust in the Lord, He will provide! He will never give you anything more than you can handle. And He will always love you.

I hope this helped at least a little bit! Please feel free to message me privately if you feel comfortable or send in another anonymous message :) I will always be here to talk and try my best to offer advice and love!!!