#apparently it's less that rabbits fuck a lot and more that they produce a lot of babies every time they fuck?

[tobiasbotte]

Okay, I've got a weird itch, and I'm wondering if my dear netizens can help me scratch it. This is a fic rec request post. Also kind of a praise post? Skip to the end to see the request, because I go off on a bit of a tangent.

I've been…really getting into The Untamed/Mo Dao Zu Shi fanfics lately? Like, seriously, been doing a deep dive every since I finished the live action drama because holy shit that was something beautiful. And I gotta say, my favorite kinds of fics right now in this fandom are the full blown, novel length, ensemble cast ones. You know, the ones where all the right ones live, or even our favorite bad guys get redemption arcs, and almost everyone is paired off by the end. I'm a sucker for that shit. It's beautiful.

This does not negate the fact that the show (I'm working up the courage to read the actual novel that started this all - I've started, now I just need to take the plunge) is beautiful in its own right. I adore that WWX and LWJ got their happy ending. I also adore these fics.

I digress.

When I first dove into the fandom, I loved LWJ/WWX & LSZ interactions as a family. Then I fell down the WWX & JC reconciliation hell hole and I have not climbed back out, nor do I wish to! It’s amazing. But now, I've noticed that the fics that have Meng Yao|Gin Guangyao as the fulcrum are the most fascinating. Everything revolves around him, most of the time, and while I adore WWX as my favorite tortured soul and his epic pining romance with LWJ and his family dynamic with LSZ and JC, these giant fics with JGY at the center are like. Epic odysseys. It's amazing. 

And, you know, off topic of this post - which is supposed to be a cry for recs, please help - it really makes me want to write one, but first off, I know next to nothing about wuxia/xianxia style stories (though with the amount of media I've been consuming, and the cultural rabbit holes I've fallen down in on Google this past month alone, I daresay I could definitely make a good run at it), and second, just the whole psychological aspect of it for all of those characters - I pride myself on being able to read a room, especially with what I do for a living, but holy shit do these fics do a deep dive.

By the way, I speak of two specific fic authors who write the most epic JGY-fulcrum fics that I've seen so far: @mercyandmagic and @hamliet. If either of you guys see this, my respect to you as writers is through the roof. Seriously, it's mind boggling. The dissection of JGY's character, his desire for acceptance, his desperate will to live no matter what - it's beautiful. Not to mention the viewpoints of literally every other character in their fics?! And the head-hopping is amazing - not something I usually see. (Apparently this is common in Chinese fic writing, or so I’ve read somewhere? But it’s not disconcerting at all, at least not how these two do it. I kind of want to try that style...)

Lord, I don't even remember where I'm going with this. If any of my readers follow me on here, you know I'm mostly a Yu Yu Hakusho writer (let's forget the other secret account I had back in high school; I burned that, I believe). I write novella length stuff at best (of fan fiction. My original works are…massive, to say the least, which I'm proud of.). But I've never been in a fandom (and I'm in a lot of fandoms; my bookmark count on AO3 can attest to that holy shit I have a problem) that has produced such epic works that it has moved me to sway from my usual fic writing habits of safety, of topics that I'm familiar with. Seriously, I "know" wuxia/xianxia stuff now (I've been going back to my nerd roots lately and tearing through K- and C-dramas - with my mother, no less! - and absorbing a lot of cool shit. It's so fun.), but I don't know it, you know what I mean? I can explain to my mother the significance of joss sticks, paper money being burned for the dead, wedding red and mourning white, the wedding games people have to play to retrieve their spouses, cultivation culture, etc., but I'd never try to write about it because - let's face it! I'm scared. Which is funny. I'm not Japanese (I’m black/Filipino/white), but I actually grew up being fascinated by the culture thanks to my dad - our family's original weeb - and so I'm not too terrified to write fics about animes because, you know, I'm kind of familiar with it.

Chinese-based fics though? Alien to me. And it's not that I'm scared of offending anyone - I'm glad that the majority of fan culture that I have personally interacted with is nice. It's a shame that a lot of the nasty stuff gets the spotlight, gives fandom culture a bad rep, but I know that most of you guys - I'm speak of you readers/writers - are chill people who wanna vibe with the fandoms in peace.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just making excuses to not write MDZS fics by claiming that I don't want to contribute because I don't want to do the genre its in any injustice. The real reason I don't want to write it is because I don't think I'd be able to have a good grasp on the mental aspect of any of the characters! Weird. Writing fanfiction has never scared me before. I know it's because I'm comparing myself to these other awesome writers, not just the two I've listed, but all the writers of the amazing MDZS fics I've been reading, but who doesn’t compare themselves to someone else? It’s destructive. At least I’m aware of what I’m doing-

Holy shit this post is long I need to stop what was the point.

The point...

The point was - a request! So far, those are the only two writers I've come across who do those epic ensemble/fulcrum/happy ending for all/everyone is paired off fics in this fandom. Obviously I've barely made a dent in all the material that's out there, but I figured I'd save myself some time and ask if anyone in the MDZS fandom could recommend any other fics that do this.

Bonus points if it includes Qin Su/Wen Ning or Su She/Jin Zixun (like, seriously, I would have never in a million years expected to have liked the latter pairing, but when I've seen it logically laid out on how to rectify them, it fucking works?!). If not that, then my second favorite type of fics are the WWX & JC brotherly reconciliation fics with lots of gross sobbing. I adore the relationship between these two and I just want them to be a family again, please. There's a lot more of these works than the former, and I'm slowly working my way through them, but if you find some that I should absolutely read right now, lemme know.

[lycomorpha]

Drawing paper review: Fabriano Classico 5

Hello lovely people. Time for another drawing paper review! This time it’s a pad from fancy Fabriano. And WHEW does it seem like a contrast to the last review (W&N cartridge paper, which I loved.) This Classico 5 used to be my fav, but how things change…

Fabriano Classico 5 details

Source: Jackson’s art online

Brand: Fabriano (Italian paper producer that dates back to 1264)

Description: off-white 300gsm, mould-made, 50% cotton, surface-sized, acid-free, hot press (smooth finish) watercolour paper. Apparently the Royal Society of Botanical Artists thinks it’s the Best Shit

Price: £12.70 for 25 A5 sheets in a spiral pad (spendy)

TL;DR review: I’ve used this paper for a while, and although I love it because it’s comfortable like an old shoe... The surface falls apart like my bad fucking knitting; too damn fast if we’re being rly honest. It holds colour well and feels just the right smoothness to draw on. But sadly, it can’t take as much layering or pencil detailing as I really need. *Sigh.* Maybe it’s time to accept that Legion Stonehenge fine art paper is my new bestest fav?

Blue tack test: 3 out of 3. However, over time, there has been damage to the corner of this drawing where I tacked/unstuck it from my board

Shading test: Not great. At layer 4 and 6 I noticed disturbance of the paper fibres, and by layer 7 it was a bit knackered. The pencil dug into the paper with very little pressure at that stage. Didn’t finish layer 8

What did I draw: a spotted Pachyrhynchus weevil (reference image by Udo Schmidt here) in oil-based pigment pencils (Faber Castell Polychromos) & fineliner (Staedtler pigment liner.) I’m also drawing a Doliops longhorn beetle that mimics it on the same sheet (reference by Cabras & Barševskis here)

Drawing experience

Humans are all susceptible to bias, unconscious or otherwise (we can be kinda dickweasely like that.) And I admit; I have a bias in favour of Fabriano papers, because of the people I associate it with, and the work I used to make with it. But these days I am all about my pencils. And… *sharp intake of breath*… This paper may not be the best for colour pencils (at least not for me anymore)

There. I said it.

Listen. I used this paper for all my chronic life pencil drawings. It’s not a BAD paper to draw on. But there are other papers in the same price bracket that perform better for colour pencil. I guess that’s because the surface of the paper is optimised for watercolour (as many nice smooth papers are.) It doesn’t take as kindly as I want to excessive pencil detailing and layers of shading.

This paper feels warm and smooth, but it isn’t too smooth, so it doesn’t get claggy with oily pencils like Polychromos. It’s a tad heavy for my liking these days, but it isn’t spongy like the Bockingford paper I tried. Lines go on easy and it holds colour nicely. It comes in a sturdy pad that survives getting flung about in my travel bag (although I do wrap elastic bands around pads, to stop drawings getting smudged when pages move in transit)

Grand. But then… As a drawing progresses… Problems start to appear, specifically

The paper surface breaks up like a frickin wet turd after relatively few layers of pencil (compared to e.g. Stongehenge or Strathmore papers)

Polychromos pencils are not particularly hard, but when the surface started to break up, fine details became difficult because the fine pencil points disturbed the surface even more

The surface holds up even less well to solid erasers (although putty erasers did ok)

And that’s the crux of the problem I have with this paper today that makes me very sad. I’m happy with how my drawing skills are progressing, I wanna keep falling down the detail-rabbit-hole, but I don’t have the time or spoons for faffing about with paper that won’t hold up to layers of shading and lots of pointy detailing. Nopetty-fucken-nope.

I’m so sorry Fabriano. I know this paper is intended for watercolour really, and maybe my gripes are unfair in light of that. But drawing artists sometimes rely on watercolour papers too, and I think we have better options these days. So it’s been a blast, but I’m moving on.

Real talk, I’ve used this paper for plenty of drawings that worked out well. If you already use it and love it? I ain’t here to talk you out of it. Also, I’m not binning my pads of Classico 5. I just won’t be using them for anything heavy on the pencil layers. I’ll be switching to Stonehenge fine art paper for detailed pencil work that needs to last.

[radramblog]

Dreamworks Tier List

It’s a low effort post time!

I asked for a random tier list to do and this is what was handed to me. I can work with this. Time to ruin some people’s opinions of me.

Aight lets get this out of the way.

I’d consider watching some of these- Prince of Egypt and How to train your dragon 2/3 are apparently pretty good, and I’d watch The Croods for Nic Cage alone. But I think the bottom tier are just inexcusable, based off what I’ve seen and heard of trailers and opinions and reviews since their release. And Antz and Sinbad are movies I’ve definitely seen as like, a 5 year old, but I don’t know shit so I might as well not have.

 Shit Tier

If you’ve seen the trailer for Madagascar 3, where Marty does the whole “da-da-dadadada-da-dada circus” for way to long, you’ve seen Madagascar 3. The rest of the movie is just as obnoxious and unfunny.

Similarly, Monsters vs Aliens is just devoid of anything resembling humour or intrigue. The most I remember is the scene of the President trying to communicate with the aliens by…playing Axel F? I remember it because at the time I was like holy shit a Crazy Frog reference, but that’s not something I like to acknowledge being a fan of these days.

Shark Tale is an abomination unto god, and that’s even before we get to how fucking weird it looks. It’s an entire fucking story built around the “liar revealed” plot, which is easily one of the most aggravating plot archetypes ever devised. Somehow it’s not the worst cinema Will Smith has been in, a fact that is frankly mind-boggling- but After Earth and the second half of Hancock still exist, so.

 Bad Tier

Over the Edge was something I found entertaining as a kid, but I’m not sure why. It does have the climax sequence I did like, but that one blatant reference got a lot less funny when I realized it wasn’t original. For the life of me I don’t remember what the reference is to, but it’s some anime, you know.

Bee Movie is the source of some of the greatest memes of all time, and for that alone it gets a rescue from shit tier. But it’s so, so awful. I really don’t know who signed off this plot.

Madagascar was a series that only got worse as it went on. It didn’t start that good. At least this one has Moto Moto.

Shrek the Third is the worst Shrek, and it’s nooooot particularly close. I don’t remember a huge amount from it, but what I do remember wasn’t good. Why did they make Donkey fuck the dragon?

 OK tier

Madagascar 1 was the best Madagascar, and in a surprising reversal of how this normally goes, managed to be significantly better than it’s Disney (?!) ripoff, Into the Wild. The one with the most genuine emotional moments, and the first one before they started shoving the Penguins and King Julien down everyone’s throat. Sidenote, did you know Julien is voiced by Sacha Baron Cohen??

Shrek Forever After somehow managed to be less bad than Shrek the Third, but it’s not like it was particularly good. It’s a wonderful life but it’s Shrek is more compelling than I would have expected, seeing as it does mean you have to have him actually acknowledge the development of his character. The framing of this, and the “comedy” therein, do not land.

 Good Tier

For what it’s worth, I think Shrek is overrated. This doesn’t mean I think it’s bad, obviously, quite the opposite. It’s a parody that thankfully doesn’t rely too heavily on reference and gross-out humour, but manages to have the comedy actually land in a way I don’t think anyone at the time expected. But it’s really overshadowed by the sequel.

I basically don’t remember anything from How to Train your Dragon, but I’m pretty sure I’d get my throat slit if I put it any lower than this, so. It’s aight? Probably need to rewatch it, but you’d have to force me to do it.

I genuinely forgot the Wallace and Gromit movie, along with the other Aardman Animations films, ended up under the Dreamworks umbrella. I’d argue Curse of the Were-Rabbit is weaker than the original shorts, but considering how perfectly charming those are, that isn’t actually saying that much. Now that I think of it, have I ever watched this all the way through? It might be up here by pedigree alone.

Speaking of Aardman, Flushed Away is genuinely excellent comedy, and would probably be substantially higher if the main characters’ design didn’t weird me out. They’re a little too anthropomorphized.

Kung Fu Panda is best described by the Chinese film producer who said, “Why did we never make this film?” While I find Po somewhat obnoxious, the rest of the movie more than compensates.

Holy shit I need to go rewatch Megamind, that movie was so fucking good but I haven’t seen it since it came out. Somehow I remember a review of the Wii game in some magazine (34ish % iirc) better than I do that film, and that’s a genuine tragedy. I didn’t even realise that meme of the villain from like last year or so was actually from Megamind, aaarrgh.

Top Tier

Shrek 2 is a perfect sequel. It innovates on the parody elements, continues the story in an interesting way, and has genuinely good emotional moments with a frankly iconic climax. I’m not sure I have a single bad thing to say about it. It’s really, really good.

Chicken Run is another one where it’s hard to gush about. It’s just excellent Aardman Brothers animation combined with a solid premise and surprisingly dark elements, and all of those come together to make a genuinely top tier movie. One of the best animated films ever made? Maybe.

But El Dorado is better. What El Dorado feels like to me is the secret 5th member of that period where Disney was just putting out off-beat but excellent animated films- from when we got Lilo and Stitch, The Emperor’s New Groove, and Atlantis. The last glorious breaths of American 2D animation. It’s a peerless adventure film, on a similar stage as the better Indiana Jones films or the aforementioned Atlantis, while managing to be engaging for those of all ages. It’s got witty dialogue for days, and astonishing visuals and music. I don’t think Dreamworks has made a better movie than this, and I don’t think they ever will.

That image this list is using for it looks fucking awful though, holy shit.

[justlikeeddie]

for the ask meme - can I ask you B, R, T, X?

B:  What was the first fandom you read fic in?  Which was the first you wrote fic for?

The first piece of fanfiction I ever encountered was some terrifyingly explicit Draco Malfoy/Ginny Weasley, which I found very much by accident when I was about 11 or 12. I think I literally didn’t know what fic was, or really understand what I was looking at. (I definitely didn’t understand why anyone would have written about two characters getting together who theoretically didn’t like each other.) But the first time I read fic on purpose was a few years later, when I’d joined LiveJournal, and someone’s Alan Davies/Stephen Fry QI RPF showed up on my friendslist. I remember sending it to a friend and describing it as “a hilarious Stephen Fry love story”, still presumably not understanding that fanfiction was, like, a thing. But I think this led me down the inevitable rabbit hole, and so the first fandom I regularly read fic in was… Stephen Fry RPF? New QI Stephen/Alan fans vs old-school Stephen/Hugh shippers. Wild. Robert Sean Leonard was in some way involved.

Writing-wise, our family computer had a big hard drive crash in about 2006, which meant that— perhaps for the best— I lost any fic I wrote from the ages of about 14 to 16, because I think I was trying to figure out how to write stuff but not actually posting it anywhere. I remember that some existed and I lost it, but I’m genuinely not sure what most of it was, or what would have been written first. I’m guessing the first experiment was probably either something QI-related or the Mighty Boosh, a fandom that I segued into at some point from the Stephen Fry RPF situation, and where I met most of the fandom friends I still now know in real life.

The first fandom in which I started regularly posting fic was Life on Mars, which remains the oldest stuff of mine I can actually find online, and/or am willing to be associated with...

R: Which writers (fanfic or otherwise) do you consider the biggest influence on you and your writing?

@the-omnishambles and I started writing with and for each other about 13 years ago— initially in Life on Mars fandom, in fact— which probably shaped the way I write today more than anything else, and I’m sure I still produce thoughts or sentences or turns of phrase that have some ancestry in her writing. @septembriseur writes probably the most technically impressive fic I’ve ever read, and I’m still trying to emulate her ability to create an astonishingly complete world around a perfectly-calibrated emotional core. Uh, what else. I think I tried to learn how to use restraint from Pat Barker, depth from Michael Chabon, an outsider’s eye from Christopher Isherwood, and surprising quantities of naval terminology from Patrick O’Brian. And Resonant’s How to Write a Sex Scene should be on some kind of curriculum.

I also once read a completely bonkers, unbelievably clever Monty Python RPF story in a former Yuletide— “READ THIS ONE FIRST”— that wasn’t so much a fic as a multimedia experience. There were three versions of the same story, and a bunch of supporting webpages with text and images and video, and you jumped between them all to create the effect of coming unstuck in time. There were Easter Eggs hidden in the source codes of the pages and secret hyperlinks in the little lines used as scene dividers. There was a whole bit where you discovered and logged into a Gmail account set up specifically for the purpose of existing within the world of the story. It blew my fucking mind, and I think about it semi-regularly to this day— which, having just looked it up again, is apparently a full decade later. I think some memory of this story, including the buffeting back and forth in time, made me want to write Your Mirror, although obviously that became significantly less complicated and clever an idea; but I think originally I’d wanted to hide clues and surprises in it in the same sort of way. Anyway, I think lots of the external links and stuff don’t work any more, but I might go back and read this again nonetheless.

T: Any fanfic tropes you can’t stand?

There’s stuff I don’t tend to read, but I’m not sure there’s anything I can’t stand the existence of. Like, I’m not particularly interested in coffee shop AUs or kidfic or mpreg, but it’s fine that they’re there and that other people are enjoying them. (This doesn’t include that one mad Merlin RPF mpreg fic that I think about constantly and is obviously the pinnacle of literature.)

I don’t tend towards an interest in AUs or wildly canon-altering tropes in general, I guess, because I think when I get into a fandom I’m usually interested in its world as well as its characters, and how the specificities of that time and place and situation affect those characters. This doesn’t mean I don’t understand why people like seeing how other situations affect the same characters, but all the same, the trappings of 60s policing is partly why I want to read about Endeavour, the politics and philosophy of the early 18th century is partly why I want to read about Black Sails, etc etc. So, like, I’m not going to read your modern-day vampire AU, but I will defend to the death your right to publish it, as I believe the big man Voltaire once said.

X: How would you categorize your fanfic reading?  Are you a voracious reader?  Do you carefully pick and choose?  Something in between?

I tend to follow recs and favourites from people whose taste I trust to agree broadly with mine, although sometimes I’ll just trundle around a pairing tag on AO3 looking for a summary that grabs me. And then, obviously, if I particularly love a story, I’ll try and follow up on the rest of that author’s work too.

I’ve been reading almost exclusively Good Omens since last summer, and optimistically opened SO many tabs in June and July that I’m literally STILL working through them. It’s hard to compare like for like in different fandoms of different sizes: I guess I read a far greater proportion of the fic that existed in the JSMN fandom, including literally an entire anonymeme, and was probably less choosy about it than in something like Good Omens, where the sheer volume of content makes that level of coverage impossible.

(Fanfiction ask meme)

[blookmallow]

hey i played rusty lake hotel and it was really good, i got the bundle so ill be doing the rest soon

i LOVE this guy 

understandable 

so we have a lovely hotel full of unnerving animal people, i was informed i was supposed to help prepare dinner,

,,,,oh

thats. all my recipes are. the animals who are currently guests. i. i see,

i went to explore upstairs and came across mr. deer’s room. i. assumed what i was going to have to do there, but did not realize: 

ok you’re trapping me in here, alright 

i found a knife but instead of just killing him with it the interaction caused me to stab him in the antler, which produces blood, which i could then use as part of the bloody mary he ordered (which i now have to figure out how to make without leaving this room. somehow) 

he absolutely gave no reaction whatsoever to being stabbed or me harvesting blood from his fucking head for the bloody mary. i dont know if deer have nerves in their antlers or what but this strikes me as a very strange interaction

i also still don’t know why i can’t just stab him but apparently im solving a series of puzzles to create a poisoned bloody mary instead. right in front of him. after i just stabbed him a minute ago. seems like poisoning someone isn’t the best way to kill them if you have a knife on hand and you intend on harvesting that person’s meat for someone else’s consumption but what do i know 

i am very much enjoying these puzzles though i got stuck a few times but it’s generally a pretty good balance of like “difficult enough that i feel like ive Accomplished Something when i figure it out”/”not so convoluted i just get frustrated” they’re mostly pretty standard logic puzzles or like. clever “look at it from a different perspective”/”Really Pay Attention, the solution is right there hiding in plain sight” kinda solutions i like it a lot 

“solve a series of puzzles to figure out how to murder a group of people one by one” is a fantastic premise for a game

however, why the FUCK was there tabasco in this skull

and also why is mr. deer not concerned about the deer skull on the wall. i mean he wasnt concerned about me stabbing him and openly mixing poison two feet away from him but 

could be that they’re not Really animals and it’s just a stylistic/symbolic thing maybe 

this man watched me mix a bloody mary with his own blood and accepted it without batting an eye. alarming 

i was also going to question whether bloody marys ACTUALLY have blood in them in the first place ( like. cow blood or whatever i know blood sausages are a thing so i figured I Guess It’s Possible) but then i actually wanted to know the answer to that question, which google tells me they’re actually mostly like, tomato juice and vodka among other not-blood things, which is what i thought, 

anyway. theres all kinds of things wrong with this but somehow it worked. also the fact that the first thing this guy said to me was “hm, sorry I’m more of a meat person” when i offered him a shrimp cocktail suRE IS SOMETHING 

nobody here takes issue with the fact that they’re being served meat from a fellow sentient species in this world, or that mr. deer mysteriously vanished in the night just before the deer meat was served. sure 

again I’m thinking this might be a “they’re not Really animals it’s just a style/symbolic thing” situation bc it’d be way less likely for them to make the connection with the meat and the dude who disappeared if they weren’t really animals (also could’ve been told he checked out early or something) 

nobody seems to get suspicious as this repeatedly happens, either. are they in on this. are they expecting it. do they Know. is this a whodunnit murder mystery from the perspective of the killer bc that’s excellent if so 

oH GOD hello can i help you

fuckin rabbit grim reaper out there, ok

this was one of those things that immediately turns itself off when you flip the switch and i could tell i was supposed to do something with it and impulsively tried the knife on it and tHAT HAPPENED :’) SORRY. APPARENTLY I NEED THIS RING FOR SOMETHING 

spooky

i like this rabbit dude hes the only one i actually feel bad about :’) (hes a normal rabbit man most of the time he just did a spooky skull trick for me bc he is a magician rabbit, which is adorable) 

also i had a hell of a time trying to find the second optional ingredients for all of these i think i only found One and i have no idea where the rest of them were 

The Hand came back and i fuckign killed it again with the window i am so sorry :’) 

this is going to be such a lovely portrait backdrop 

ms pheasant takes no issue with me killing a disembodied hand in the window and using its blood to paint the backdrop for her either

hm. yes. very nice 

oh. well. that’s. pretty straight forward, i guess, 

for some reason interacting with her with the gun makes her take it and she shoots herself during the camera flash????

i like the “shooting her” double meaning there but What Happened Here   

sighs

i really, really did not want this to be the solution here but guess what 

why did this happen. why was i put through this. is this my punishment for all these murders. having to witness this. why is this here. why didn’t he fucking NOTICE 

also i dont know how the fuck mr boar died??? you give him the sandwich, he gets up to use the bathroom (which is an endless cycle of hell, by the way, it repeats if you don’t figure it out) and i just was clicking on stuff around the chair where he was sitting before bc i assumed him getting up meant something else was accessible now and i found like. a spot on the wall that looked slightly different and suddenly i had the boar meat????? what the fuck killed him 

anyway what a bizarre experience this was i enjoyed it immensely except for that last part and am looking forward to the rest of them soon. i dont remember who recommended this but thank u very much 

[arabellaflynn]

Text of a test monologue. Would you like to see me deliver this on camera, with no makeup, no lighting equipment, and using Notepad as a TelePrompTer? Head on over to my https://www.patreon.com/ArabellaFlynnPatreon, and for a dollar a month you too can see me waffle on in real time.

Hi, all. You may notice that I am on video now. I was going to shoot a couple of tests and apologize for the poor quality of the footage, and explain that I want to start vlogging and streaming in addition to writing, but I need some equipment to do it properly and for that I need to raise some funds... But fuck it. This is going out first instead.

As I record this, it is the fourth of July. You can probably hear the fireworks outside my window. I know I can. There are a lot of those, because we've all been inside and bored for the past four months. 

I know a lot of people who have opted not to observe the holiday this year. The 4th of July is often viewed as a celebration of the American institution, which is a little bit on fire right now, with a few people determined to squirt lighter fluid all over the flames like a bored suburban dad at a barbecue. On the other hand, it's also Independence Day, and marks the end of the long, painful process by which a population broke free of distant, uncaring overlords who cared mainly about the financial dividends of their colonies, and ignored the grievances of the people until they started breaking shit. So YMMV.

I would comment on some of the details, but I don't know them. The Late Show is on hiatus, and John Oliver doesn't air until tomorrow. I, like a lot of my demographic, get most of my current events from comedians. There's a reason for that.

I actually watched a lot of news as a teenager.

Well, "watched" might be too strong a word. It's easier for me to fall asleep if there's some sort of droning noise in the background. When I was about fifteen, I discovered that, unlike the main CNN channel, which has actual shows and documentaries, CNN Headline News just runs the day's top stories over and over again in an unending 30 minute loop. Interesting enough to keep me from falling into a train of thought that will prevent me from sleeping, boring enough that I don't want to stay up and listen.

I have no memory of the desk anchors. I'm sure they were consummate professionals, but they also had no distinguishing human characteristics whatsoever. I know they were updating the loop live, because occasionally a story would be added to the list and another one would drop off the back, and occasionally one would flub the text on their prompter, but other than that there was no hint that the face at the desk was attached to a living, breathing person.

I do remember a couple of the correspondents. One was Christiane Amanpour. Her voice stood out; CNN is an American news station that was originally restricted to American cable networks, and the vast majority of the staff is from the US. Amanpour is British-Iranian, having split her childhood between Tehran, before the revolution, and London, after. They liked to send her to the bowels of Eastern Europe to report from the war-torn streets of Citygrad in Countrystan. She had already caught some criticism on her reporting of the Bosnian War, for advancing the apparently controversial opinion that genocide was bad. I didn't know that at the time; I just thought she sounded more like she told real stories than read off lists of facts.

Another was Anderson Cooper, who was not nearly such a big deal then as he is now. Cooper, a self-described adrenaline junkie, was a war correspondent at the time, with a habit of ducking only briefly for explosions before standing back up to continue his piece to camera. He wouldn't be infamous until his coverage of Hurricane Katrina years later, both for the overall stellar job he did, and also for that one time he got tired of getting non-answers from some government toad in a live interview and very professionally flipped his shit at the lady, asking if she realized how tone deaf it was to sit there thanking other politicians for doing essentially nothing while there were still bodies in the street.

I quit watching the news when I moved away to college. It wasn't necessarily that knowing was worse than not knowing, but I felt a lot of pressure to be "adult" about it at that point, and watching proper news shows made me anxious to the point where I wouldn't sleep. I outright avoided it to the point where I made it to a canceled class at 4 pm, Mountain Standard Time, on September 11, 2001, before anyone told me what was going on.

I wasn't able to put my finger on why I found the news so horrible until many years later. I can't remember what rabbit hole I'd fallen down, but I ended up sitting on YouTube watching segments of the live news coverage of the 1981 assassination attempt on President Reagan. Reagan was shot in the side and later recovered without complications, but his Press Secretary, James Brady, was struck in the head and sustained considerable neurological damage. Brady, together with his wife Sarah, later went on to be a noted advocate for gun control, but at the time was reported to have died on the scene. 

I wound up watching a lot of one of the news desks -- ABC, I think. It started out like all the others, until the anchor tripped up a couple of times and referred to Press Secretary Brady as "Jim", and I realized: He knows these people. Personally. He's a member of the White House Press Corps, or a friend of the Bradys, or both. I'm watching a journalist reporting on a moment of historical significance to the American people, and a human being who has to tell the entire nation about someone's personal tragedy. His investment did not make him any less professional or informative than any of the others, but it did make his coverage feel very grounded in reality in a way that most news, then and now, does not.

The older I get, the more disquieting I find it to have a talking head behind a shiny desk read me a list of horrible things that have happened today without any apparent reaction. It makes it seem like these things are a randomized representative sample of the cruelty of the universe, rather than what they are, which is a list of things so unusually terrible they made the news. I realize that this is part of an effort to remain impartial so that the viewer can decide how they feel about events, but it's also disturbingly normative. Yes, everything is on fire, everything is always on fire, this is nothing new. 

I can't say I'm any more enamored of the opposite, either, the more recent style where the news anchor's entire job is to tell you that entirety of human existence is awful and here's what you should prioritize being afraid of this week. Everything around you is on fire, the fire is racing right at you, and here's whose fault the fire is.

A lot of Americans, especially younger ones, have taken to getting their news mostly from political satire because-- well, one, because for about the past twenty years, our comedians have been better at fact-checking than our actual newsrooms. You can thank Jon Stewart for getting a bee in his bonnet over that. But also because their coverage of major issues takes neither of those paths. The Daily Show alumni write up stories like they actually live on the planet they're reporting from. You're on fire? They're on fire too! Holy shit, let's all find some water! 

The conceit behind the comedy of The Daily Show and the Colbert Report and Full Frontal and Last Week Tonight and now the monologues on The Late Show is not that this is a normal amount of fire for everything to be on so it's fine, nor establishing that someone has set you on fire on purpose and here's who should be punished for it. It's bewilderment and frustration at the way we somehow keep catching on fire over and over again. Yeah, they crack jokes, because it's their job, but all the jokes are predicated on the idea that this is, above all, just very, very, inexplicably stupid. We can, and we should, be better than this. And the hosts stubbornly refuse to just give up and internalize as immutable all the reasons why we aren't.

You wouldn't know it to look at him, but Jon Stewart has accumulated "fuck you" money from his time on The Daily Show, among other things. I really hope the rest of them are doing the same. Because we need some figureheads who are able to say "fuck you" to a lot of authority figures right now without having to worry about how their family is going to survive the next month. John Oliver has HBO backing and I'm pretty sure Last Week Tonight has roughly equal budgets set aside for handling lawsuits and shoveling money at charity. Stephen Colbert has been insulting Donald Trump as hard as he possibly can since day one, and he just re-upped until 2023. Samantha Bee has her husband holding the camera to shoot her monologues out in the woods. 

They've all figured out how to produce their show over the internet, so at least we have something to watch in the After Times.

I really hope the neighbors run out of fireworks soon. Aside from not wanting the neighborhood to be literally on fire at any point, one of my housemates has a dog, and the dog has epilepsy, so this has been an interesting evening. Sorry about the fireworks, sorry about the camera, sorry about the country, sorry about the state of the world. Imma go find my Xanax. G'night.

from Blogger https://ift.tt/2ZKD4d6 via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

[cards-onthetable]

A long time coming

Both this episode, and this Discussion about it.

We’ve all been on the internet these last several weeks. We’ve all seen the excessive amounts of promotion for this wedding. We’ve all had to spend half our lives staring at the weird white appliqué on Eddie’s dress that looks like something your mom would have ironed on your Girl Scouts uniform when you were 7. I dreaded the fuck out of this episode y’all. I was so sure it was going to be terrible.

SO WAS IT? 👀 let’s play bingo!

Here’s your warning that this is long af. I do not apologize.

Erin and Eddie and the Lying Liar

The episode opens in Erin’s office/conference room with Erin wearing an area rug tied around her neck with a bow. Why isn’t “Erin wears a ridiculous rug with a giant neck bow” on the bingo card?

Erin’s glasses on/off as a tic of Concern count: 36

EDDIE’S IN ERIN’S OFFICE. EVERYTHING IS GROSS. LET’S BEGIN.

Erin takes a fairly accusatory tone with Eddie from the beginning.

Eddie gets OfFeNdEd all “you’re taking the word of a complete stranger over mine?”

GOD WRITERS, can you PLEASE write Eddie as a capable, intelligent professional for once in your lives? Real Eddie/Cop Eddie/Normal Person Eddie wouldn’t play the ~personal relationship~ card like that. I mean sure, Danny and Jamie do that shit all the time, and that’s dumb af too. But the way Eddie does it feels less like a family member asking for a Favor and more like a naive scared little girl expecting Special Treatment. Ew.

“I onLy HaVe oNe SiDe: ThE TrUtH” 🙄

Erin saying the witness was “very convincing” is gross. Everything about this scene is grossss gross gross

So apparently, Erin didn’t know/realize during the initial witness interview that Eddie was the officer in question. I wonder how that conversation (with Eddie) would’ve gone if any other cop walked into her office. Like the whole thing felt so unprofessional on both sides, but especially Erin. Wouldn’t she give any other cop the benefit of the doubt? Question them, sure, but not go into the conversation like she assumes they’re lying. Witnesses change their stories all the time. Ugh this whole storyline is gross

Not to mention why is this happening in EDDIE’S WEDDING EPISODE?! Look I don’t need Eddie’s entire life this week to be dedicated to wedding shit. But ew @ a Work Conflict with a future in-law 9 minutes before her damn wedding.

JAMIE AND EDDIE ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR AT JAMIE’S COFFEE TABLE for the second week in a row. Nice.

THE LIGHTING IS TERRIBLE ON JAMIE REAGAN’S FACE. Mark it.

Jamie is such a dumbass. “I understand you’re upset, I’m just clarifying she didn’t ACTUALLY call you a liar...” shut up lawyer boy, hasn’t anyone taught you that those technicalities are NOT the way to go?

“I don’t think there’s any upside to splitting hairs about this.” WHO’S SPLITTING HAIRS, MR. CLARIFICATION?

“THIS IS GREAT, WE’RE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED AND I’M JUST NOW FINDING OUT YOU’VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH MY SISTER.” I think this is about where @ontherockswithsalt and I literally keeled over laughing. Mark it.

On the one hand I get what Eddie’s saying about Erin being every woman’s basic nightmare. On the other hand Old Eddie was a boss ass bitch who never would’ve been intimidated/shaken/irritated by the conversation in Erin’s office.

What the fuck is this sweater situation? Eddie it looks like you took some scissors to it and the result was tragic.

Smooth move Jamie. Lol I’m sure most people loved that line “as far as I’m concerned you just described yourself” but 😂😂😂 @ everything.

Jamie and Erin on the courthouse steps. This should be good (read: gross someone get me a puke bucket)

Lol @ this running theme that Frank is nervous af about giving a toast/speech at the damn rehearsal dinner.

Why is Jamie bringing this Eddie thing up to Erin? Eddie vented to him - he’s her fiancé, it’s his sister they’re talking about, of course she’s going to Discuss it with him. But would it ever occur to him that maybe he should just listen and ~support her~ and he doesn’t need to go off and try to Solve Her Problems? 🙄

MAYBE SHE SHOULD FIND A SOFTER LINE OF WORK? Oh fuck me how is that called for, Erin? Eddie’s been a successful cop for years now. She only started having Trouble with her confidence and competence when your idiot dumbass brother fucked her up at a golf course on a Sunday morning.

DON’T BRING ME INTO YOUR FIANCEE’S DRAMAS.... oh my god Erin you started it so like step off.

I LIKE HER JUST FINE. Aren’t the Reagans all about Candor and Honesty? Shouldn’t Erin be having this conversation with Eddie herself if she apparently feels so strongly about it? Dude I’m so mad this is happening in the wedding episode. Or at all.

AND I’LL LIKE HER A HELL OF A LOT MORE WHEN SHE STARTS FIGHTING HER OWN BATTLES ?????? Eddie didn’t ask Jamie to ~fight this battle~ for her and everything is grosssss gross gross.

JAMIE SLEPT ON THE COUCH LAST NIGHT. AYE SOMEONE’S IN THE DOGHOUSE. Also this is about the closest thing we’ve gotten to Actual Confirmation that Jamko lives together/has spent the night together. I’m still convinced he’s never gotten her off in his life though.

Jamie has framed pics of his mom (his Harvard graduation) and Joe on his table. Does he have any pictures of Eddie framed anywhere? 👀🤔

“YoU’Re sTiLL PiSsEd” the Harvard graduate, y’all.

Side note: Jamie’s wearing sweatpants but THE LIGHTING IS TERRIBLE AND THE SWEATPANTS AND SHIRT ARE BOTH DARK COLORED. NO CONTRAST. NOTHING VISIBLE. 0/10 TOTAL WASTE.

Completely on Eddie’s side on this one. Idk about the whole making-Jamie-sleep-on-the-couch thing, but I’d be pissed af too if my fiancé took a private conversation between us as an invitation to go off and ~fight my battles~ without permission and/or without being explicitly asked to do so.

He might be closer to his family than most people are. But Eddie’s about to be his wife (ugh don’t remind me) and she needs to come first now. It’s not his job or his place to take her issues to his family members like that.

“It’s my job to look after you” GOD EW GROSS JAMIE REAGAN. That may be ~true~ but it’s not your job to make decisions for Eddie or treat her like someone who needs to be ~looked after~. It’s your job to treat her as your equal and consult her on (basically everything but especially) matters that directly affect her. It’s your mutual job to look after each other. Just don’t re: this weird paternalistic bullshit mmkay?

There are vegetables all over Jamie’s kitchen. Carrots in one shot, celery and onions and shit in another. RUN, EDDIE. RUN FROM THIS FUTURE OF RABBIT FOOD AND MISERY.

OH MY GOD LOL 4EVER. EDDIE’S IN HER PORSCHE (welcome back bro! Where’ve you been all these years? No, really... where’ve you been?) and she has BINOCULARS like that’s a normal and reasonable thing to do in New York City on a Thursday afternoon.

Anthony’s here? It’s a party!

WITH SNACKS! ANTHONY’S EATING! Mark it.

It’s 4 minutes before her wedding and Eddie’s all “I didn’t know Reagans were Like That!” Oh my god where’s the bingo square for me sinking into ontherockswithsalt’s super soft new couch and dying in misery forever? Mark it.

A SPEECH ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A REAGAN? Mark it.

ANTHONY BEING THE ONE TO DELIVER SAID SPEECH? Shocking. Unexpected. Creative. Why is he so important that he gets this job in this episode by the way?

“Open your eyes a little. Know what you’re getting yourself into.”

WHY IS THIS A LINE THAT ANYBODY IS SAYING TO HER 26 SECONDS BEFORE SHE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE? OH MY GOD EVERYTHING WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SO WRONG IT’S UNBELIEVABLE. HOW CAN ANYONE LEGITIMATELY THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA FOR THEM TO GET MARRIED?!

Oh imagine that, the dummy lied. Eddie didn’t. Who’s surprised?!

Eddie’s back in Erin’s office. She’s wearing a mustard yellow sweater from Kohl’s (I know because I have the same one yo) and a.... prairie skirt? Interesting choice.

“It turns out I owe you an apology..” A REAGAN? APOLOGIZING? OMG

Aaaaand Eddie’s cutting her off. Fucking typical.

EDDIE’S WHOLE THING HERE IS BULLSHIT.

A few scenes ago she (rightfully, more or less) complained that Erin accused her of lying, now she’s all “oh, not really”

She’s bringing Jamie into it, saying she wouldn’t have whined to him if she didn’t secretly want him to go solve her problems for her. UM WHAT? They’re saying she wouldn’t have a conversation with her fiancé just for the sake of the conversation - there has to be a Goal? Dude I just can’t. This is the icing on the cake of Eddie’s shitty writing all damn season.

Humans are allowed to talk about - even COMPLAIN ABOUT - these things to their significant others. They should be able to do so without fear of outside repercussion or concern that their partner will go off and try to Fix Things in an unwarranted way. But if Eddie only brings her Family Problems to Jamie with the secret agenda that he’ll fix them for her, that’s gross and a huge red flag and blah blah blah. RUN EDDIE WHY ARE YOU MARRYING HIM.

Also gross in general @ Eddie apologizing. Eddie shouldn’t have ~taken things personally~ (but Old Eddie wouldn’t have - this is New Eddie and I don’t blame her for her puppetmaster’s bullshit) but Erin is the one really at fault here.

Minute 51 of a one hour episode meant to feature Eddie’s wedding, and she’s just now wrapping up this ridiculous Conflict with her fiancé’s sister. Sweet. ThE BeSt iS YeT tO CoMe

Danny and Baez

SOMEBODY DIES? Mark it.

BAEZ IS TOO GOOD FOR THIS TRASHCAN SHOW? Mark it. Baez pretending to be Erin is hilarious.

Fuck me I’m only 11 minutes into this thing so far.

Baez pretending to be Erin messing with her glasses is GENIUS HOW DID I MISS THAT THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED. 😂😂😍😍

Can we please get a guest actor on this show who can actually produce tears when they’re supposed to be crying? All this dry eye blubbering is gross. They could get better actors from any high school drama department.

“We’re SoULmAtEs” this girl is like that over-attached girlfriend meme omg.

Baez is the best person left on this ridiculous show. Her thing with the palm print security doors? Genius.

Side note: HOW’S THIS DUMB CONTRAST where Erin is on one set repeating over and over that Eddie is Just A Cop when she’s in Erin’s office. Meanwhile Danny’s over here acting like his sister is the only lawyer in all of New York who can get him the warrants/subpoenas he needs for his investigation. 🤔

They’re arresting her. I don’t care about this storyline anymore but I feel like I should mark the time.

We’re in Erin’s office and like.... did Erin forget to put clothes on today or something? What?

WE DON’T GET SHIRTLESS JAMIE FOR THE LAST 39 YEARS, BUT WE GET TO SEE ERIN’S ENTIRE BARE THIGH? WHERE DO I SUBMIT MY COMPLAINT @ THIS BULLSHITTERY

Now Danny suddenly can’t remember how to talk to express his concerns. What is it about Erin’s office that makes all these ~professionals~ turn into blubbery babies who need their mommy to order their happy meal so they don’t have to talk to the cashier themselves?

Another unbelievably clear surveillance video to just clean this messy case right up. How convenient. I’m bored.

The Best Friends Club

Garrett and Sid walking down the hall, arguing the difference between piece and peace. Bros, it’s “object to this marriage or forever hold your peace” which, can I just raise my hand here and say this better be some damn good foreshadowing

Garrett and Sid are rude af marching in (interrupting) while Frank and Baker are in the middle of a conversation, and can I say there’s no Good Way this whole thing could have started? 

It’s gross for the boys to get all huffy @ the female member of their team having a discussion with Frank, but if it were one of the boys in there, it would be gross for Baker to get all offended and interrupty and seen as Rude and Irrational or whatever. Can we all just act like adults here? Thx.

Now we’re in Garrett’s office and Baker is going to Explain? Oh boy this’ll be terrible.

They’re pulling rank?! I’m a lieutenant, you’re a detective, you’re a civilian. Actually I’m Commissioner Moore.

Listen dudes, I’m sure your dicks are both huge. Shut the fuck up.

Why are Sid and Garrett throwing a fit like this at all? Frank asked to see the presentation and Baker showed it to him. God this is such a dumb contrived conflict why are we here?

“You know what? I don’t think this has anything to do with chain of command. I think this is bruised egos and stepped-on toes.” SAY IT BAKER. Call these clowns on their bullshit.

I need a margarita. @ontherockswithsalt please.

Garrett is in Frank’s office now, with a weird ass smile on his face as he says “it’s TIME for a VICTORY LAP!” Wtf.

“So you’re saying I have to get Gormley and Baker’s sign off before I can set this in motion?” How’s that for ChAiN oF CoMmAnD, Mr. Biggest Dick In The PC’s Office?

And now Garrett’s leaving through the conference room so he doesn’t have to walk past Baker. These dummies are literally so childish it’s ridiculous.

Now the BFFs club is in front of Frank for a Stern Talking To. Oh my god it’s like a parent dealing with a bunch of 6-year-olds. Remember when this show was actually good?

They’re all going to switch jobs for a day. Frank made a diagram. Clearly put lots of thought into it. A+.

Garrett’s complaining that it’s a lot to ask. A lot to ask that these dummies act like professional adults? Agreed.

Gormley doesn’t know what the word “quote” means and/or is not familiar with the New.York.Times. Garrett doesn’t know how to answer phones or log into a computer but he does a damn good Gormley impression, apparently. Baker doesn’t know how to read investigative files? Omg are we all learning something today, kiddos?!

Jamie and Frank have a Heart To Heart.

Oh boy, the Best Friends are together again.

“Our behavior this week, it was embarrassing.” YOU THINK?

The BFFs just had a more emotional, moving Heart To Heart than Jamie and Eddie have had in their lives, so that’s chill.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Jamie and Frank have a Heart To Heart

Jamie’s In Frank’s office after a quick chat with Disgruntled Garrett.

Frank’s joke is ridiculous.

JAMIE’S WEARING KHAKIS. Mark it.

“I have never seen you so unwaveringly certain about what you want.” Well unwavering is right. Jamie’s facial expression hasn’t changed since 2017.

Did Frank just compare Jamie’s feelings towards Eddie to his feelings about the Chevelle? Nice, that’s totally reasonable and not at all gross. Just kidding, it’s gross.

“She doesn’t want to lose herself.”

“Well that makes sense.”

“It does?!”

Omg seriously? Fucking seriously. There’s too much to even delve into here like I could write a whole damn essay about this exchange. But Jamie. For real. It surprises you that Eddie doesn’t want to throw herself headfirst into Being A Reagan? It surprises you that she wants to keep her own identity within your marriage? It surprises you that she doesn’t plan to melt herself into your back pocket and hang out there like a fun toy who parrots back all your opinions and dedicates herself to The Reagan Name above all else? Oh. My god. EDDIE RUN.

Well her brother’s dead....

Eddie has a brother? Oh that’s some nice cool chill information to drop on us randomly 6 years later.

I have Thoughts (maybe he committed suicide or accidentally OD’d back when shit hit the fan with Armin?) but I hate how this is a random throwaway line with such important implications. Have they ever truly talked about Eddie’s dead brother? Does Eddie feel minimized in her grief because her brother didn’t Die A Hero like Joe? EDDIE RUN.

“Don’t make her do all the work adjusting to us. Find ways for us to adjust to her” this is excellent and important advice, truly. Would’ve been nice to have this conversation, idk, 9 months ago?

THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

FIRST: THE REHEARSAL DINNER.

Lena’s saying some shit. Cool. Y’all by this point I’m so exhausted @ everything in this shitshow episode, I don’t even care.

“Edit and myself - who have both suffered from my husband’s glaring insufficiency...” oh my god Lena way to read the room.

“THANK YOU FOR LOVING MY DAUGHTER AS MUCH AS I DO.” LOL NEITHER ONE OF THEM SEEMS TO LOVE HER THAT MUCH THOUGH. RUN FOR THE HILLLLLSSSSS EDDIE.

TO JAMM-KO. Oh, my, god, why are we here.

This is some really ridiculous pandering to the fans y’all. Like over the top gross. This show is a just whole ass joke at this point.

But actually LOL @ Erin scolding Danny for telling Sean “would you learn something, numbnuts?”

FRANK’S SPEECH

UGLY FLOOR LAMPS. TWO OF THEM. Mark it. Twice.

Where’s the joke Frank?

“She’s doing the bravest thing I’ve ever seen a cop do... she’s marrying Jamie... and walking down the aisle bY HeRsELf.” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Can we not commoditize that choice? It shouldn’t need to be a Big Deal.

Eddie is Her Own Woman

And a Lifeforce

But y’all

Lifeforce is a disgusting euphemism for semen, in case you’re unfamiliar with certain Top Quality Fanfics we have available to us in this fandom

So I’m caught somewhere between dying laughing and like, crying forever

Seeing her in action as Jamie’s Life partner

And hopefully as a mother! EW! GROSS! THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR PLACE TO EXPRESS YOUR WISHES FOR SOME NEW GRANDKIDS, FRANCES

That’s a thing that will never not gross me out. Public (or even uninvited private, tbh) expressions of Opinion about someone else’s family planning choices

Y’all this is Eddie’s future father in law telling her “I hope you go have lots of unprotected sex with my son, and potentially shelve your own career goals temporarily or permanently, and go through lots of painful unfortunate Body Changes, because here’s my public request for some more grandkids”

Let it be known if my future in-laws said that at my rehearsal dinner, they’d have a real actual Hurricane to deal with so

MOVING ON THOUGH, UGH. TIME FOR THIS WEDDING.

“SuRe YoU wAnT To gO ThRoUgH wiTh tHiS?!” One, gross, not a funny joke. Two, CAN SOMEONE ASK THAT TO EDDIE A FEW TIMES BECAUSE

“In over two thousand weddings, I’ve only lost three to divorce...” 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

LOL @ all the waving from the altar to the poor dishonored Reagans who have to sit in the pews like some kind of peasants. Is this my first grader’s spring fling school concert?

Side note: does Eddie have any bridesmaids? No? So she’ll just be up there by herself looking like she’s marrying 4 Reagan men? Nice.

I mean if they pulled some throwaway bridesmaids out of their asses I’d be mad, and if Erin and Nicky were her bridesmaids I’d be mad, so really this is a no-win situation here but still, gross.

Oh hey, we’ve solved the mystery of the missing Frank.

Eddie’s had nightmares about tripping while walking down the aisle. That’s her compelling argument for asking Frank to escort her?

WHICH BY THE WAY I AM SO MAD ABOUT. THIS FUCKING REAGAN AFFAIR SHOW. DIDN’T HE JUST TALK ABOUT HOW THE REAGANS NEED TO JOIN EDDIE’S WORLD TOO, NOT JUST SUCK HER INTO THEIRS? OR SOMETHING. I’M IRRITATED.

Here comes the bride. On the organ! Appropriate, to go with the Reagan men’s 1836 morning suit choice. LOL IT’S ALL SO GROSS I CAN’T EVEN DEAL.

Here we go, she’s walking in. We see Jamie’s face. He looks... bored?

Lena crying.

Erin and Nicky looking all happy.

Eddie again. She keeps looking up at Frank and it’s distracting af. Has she looked down the aisle to see her groom even once?

Henry looks 100000 million times more excited than Jamie to be here.

Oh, a nice long shot of Jamie’s weird chin and stoic face. That’s certainly the look of a man who’s about to marry the love of his life.

The LOOK OF LOVE

FADE TO BLACK

AMAZING. I COULD NOT HAVE SCRIPTED IT BETTER MYSELF. OMG BEST TV WEDDING EVER. THANK YOU, BLUE BLOODS, FOR DOING ONE THING RIGHT FOR ONCE AND PUTTING ME OUT OF MY MISERY.

12/10. Beautiful. Moving. Ridiculous. I’m so impressed and in awe. Such a great episode.

WhO’S ReAdY fOr SeAsOn TeN?! See you in September folks.

[amplesalty]

Halloween 2021 - Day 1 - Us (2019)

‘tis Halloween season once again!

It’s October, it’s Tumblr dot com and that can mean only one thing; another boat load of horror adjacent movies and possibly the odd TV show thrown in for good measure. And hey, we might have skipped out on the Stand finale and I didn’t do Halloween 1978 as I planned but I had a fair few entries last year. Christmas...not so much. Some of these years really seem to blend together because I thought for sure I had watched Get Out last year but, no, apparently it was 2019. Relevant because for this opening day I’m looking at Jordan Peele’s directorial follow up; 2019’s Us. Maybe next year I’ll watch 2021’s Candyman that he, whilst not directing, was involved in writing and producing. I love how certain sections of the internet immediately flipped their lids over that and were like “He’s going to make it political and about race. Stop bringing politics into movies!”. Ah yes, unlike the original Candyman which we of course know did not involve race in any way, shape or form.

This movies broader points about class structures and wealth ineaquality can easily be applied to all of society but it’s perhaps no coincidence that the protagonists are an African American family. Whilst the racial themes are quite as strong as in Get Out, it’s still evident to see the difference in opulence between the Wilson’s and their more wealthy white friends.

There’s a moment in particular when the Wilson’s are at their friends house and you get this shot of their two boats side by side. Their dirty speed boat that constantly veers to the left and with an engine that cuts out all the time is dwarved by the SS BYACTCH. It’s not something that’s dwelled on or talked up but I think it’s a nice little piece of visual universe building. And for that talk of wealth inequality, you can’t complain too much if you’ve got yourselves a summer house and a speed boat, no matter how shabby it is.

That boat does lend some measure of humour to the film that kinda threw me off guard given how tense the second quarter of the movie gets. There’s something really funny about this vicious killer stopped dead in their tracks when the boat cuts out, having to resort to the old bloke trick of ‘Technology doesn’t work? Smack it with your fist!’ It worked for the Fonz. I feel that’s something we’ve really lost in this modern age of techonological advancement, you can’t get any good surface area to give the telly a smack these days with all these LCD’s and OLED’s. You could really bring the smackdown on those old CRT’s.

That whole vicious killer thing is also something of a departure from Get Out which was more of a psychological trip. They both share these creepy elements but there’s something more immediate and visceral here when you have this family being stalked by these shadowy figures in the middle of the night before they start being set upon and this whole home invasion plays out.

Actually, the start of that scene is a bit of a mix between the creepiness and terror when they just see this family holding hands in their driveway in the middle of the night. I know I’ve probably touched on this before but you know where you stand when Michael Myers or Jason Vorhees are marching towards you with their bloody knives drawn. What the hell do you do though when there’s just bunch of people on your property at 2am, unmoving and smiling politely?

Not that they have polite intentions, when we find that these are the dopplegangers of this family referred to as ‘The Tethered’. Sort of like corrupted, shadow versions of their normal counterparts who have gone through near enough the same exact experiences but in a more twisted way. The normal person might eat a warm, delicious meal but the shadow consumes only raw, bloody rabbit meat. The normal person might meet someone, fall in love and get married but the shadow is compelled to meet with their partner based on the actions of their double. The normal family might give birth to beautiful, healthy children but the shadows are blessed only with wicked, sadistic offspring. And, again, it’s hard not to draw parallels when you have a black character talking about living this less privileged life in the shadow of the more well off.

It becomes infinitely more terrifying when you come to realise that this isn’t just isolated to the Wilsons, their friends have also been visited and killed off by their own evil selves. It’s like, even if you outrun your own shadows, it seems like there’s nowhere to run with the news showing shaky footage of similar red clothed people committing seemingly random attacks.

Small point on the other family but, between this and thinking back to her role in The Invisible Man remake, Elisabeth Moss just kinda ‘gets’ that whole facial expression thing. Whether it was the paranoia and fear of Invisible Man or the maniacal expressions of her evil version here, she does a really great job of selling it. Again, it’s only a small role in the grand scheme of the whole movie it’s pretty chilling to have her preening herself in the mirror to the sound of classical music. And then the Wilsons arrive to bludgeon everyone to death to the sound of ‘Fuck the Police’ by N.W.A so, you know, contrast...

I feel like parts of the finale are a little tacked on, like the whole story behind where the Tethered came from just feels a little thrown together, that they’re these clones that were designed by the government in order to control their counterparts on the surface. It’s just sort of left at that and not explained any further.

The setting is certainly very eerie though, a lot of strange imagery going when Addy ends up going through the underground complex with it’s singular escalator that is lit up like a Christmas tree, or the long, white corridors littered with rabbits. I’m not sure what the metaphor is behind the rabbits, other than her following one into the complex which is maybe a nod to Alice in Wonderland or the general idea of ‘going down a rabbit hole’.

Bit of a nod to A Nightmare on Elm Street too as she makes her way through a boilerroom.

The whole Hands Across America thing I’m a little confused on too, it’s something that’s focused on near the end that it’s something the Tethered have almost idolised with this one item they have referencing it. Quite why they’re replicating it though, maybe it’s symbolic of how the Tethered have all joined together in this one cause. Or, as the Evil Addy says she wanted to make a statement, maybe this was her way of doing that in a similar way to how Hands Across America was so widely covered in its time. It kinda goes along with the idea of the Tethered being this mirror image, them doing it now is like an inverse of the original idea of it promoting charity and helping the less fortunate. Now those truly less fortunate are using it to their own ends.

And that ties in to the coolest part of the movie, this general idea of symmetry. It’s something that’s touched upon near the start with the idea of symmetry and coincidences brought up, like when one of the kids points out the clock reads 11:11 which had up to this point popped up on a few signs referencing a bible verse. It affected me a little bit in a similar way to Invisible Man where I started to really look for things in the movie that were maybe going on in the background that were meant to be subtle hints. But as the movie wore on, I started to realise it was itself playing out in this mirrored way; like how it starts out at this fun fair at night but ends at the fun fair in day time. Or how the normal version of one of the kids is encouraged to snap along with some music at the start of the film, then near the end his evil version is snapping along too, only he’s mimicking a lighter since he’s a bit of a pyromaniac. That song incidentally being ‘I Got Five on it’ which is used near the start and then again near the end, only that time it’s an eerie orchestral remix that soundtracks the fight between the two Addy’s.

Which is a really neat fight scene as well, you’re used to these slasher type villains just overpowering their victims or brutally stabbing them but the evil Addy uses her dance background to gracefully dodge Addy’s attempts to attack her. It’s like a bizarre dance routine between the two of them, brings a whole new meaning to fight choreography.

Oh, and that ending too, that’s a whole different level of confusion too. Not in terms of what happens, more just the way it makes you feel. I saw it coming that the two Addy’s were switched in the incident that took place when she was a kid but it plays with your idea of a happy ending. Like, this whole time you were rooting for the ‘good’ Addy to overcome the evil version that had come to kill her and her family, but then you find out that she was the evil one all along. It’s not quite on that level of gut puncher as The Mist but still a neat twist.

But yeah, really cool movie on the whole. Aside from Candyman, I’ll also be looking forward to Peele’s next movie which is apparently slated for next year and will feature Daniel Kaluuya again.

[lark-in-ink]

Part two/god knows what :)  Part one here  (Due south, F/K, AU)

Eventually this real serious-looking girl- young woman, whatever, probably fresh out of law school- came around, and we talked and then she talked to Detective Vecchio and I talked to Detective Vecchio.  Whole lot of talking all around. Then a sketch artist, then back to Vecchio, trying to figure out some way to track the skinheads down.  He whined a bit about me hiding behind a lawyer, but seemed to be taking it seriously at least.  

When Constable Fraser showed up again, it was to announce that the hospital had called, the kid had woken up, and did Vecchio want to go to the hospital to get his statement.

Vecchio sighed. “Yeah, yeah, let's go get his statement.  Who knows, maybe he actually knows who the hell those guys are.”

“Hey-” I started, but he put up his hand at me.  

“Yeah, you did great, saved the kid a lot of hurt and maybe his life, but that doesn't help us actually find the shitheads that did it, which maybe if he knows them we can, OK?”

“It was very commendable what you did,” Fraser interjected before I could say anything.

I ducked my head. “Yeah, well, anyone woulda done it if they'd been there.”

“Okay, good, right,” Vecchio said. “Come on, Benny, let's go.”

“Of course, Ray,” Fraser said, and then, “Mr. Kowalski, do you need a ride anywhere?”  Immediately, Vecchio shot him a glare, and after that was a whole lot of faces between them like they were having some sort of silent conversation they’d had a million times.  

I cleared my throat.  “Actually, uh, I wanted to head over to the hospital myself, uh, just make sure he’s alright- no, that’s stupid, of course he’s not alright, but you know. I’d feel better if I could see him.  I can take the El from there, it’s no problem”  

“That’s a very commendable sentiment,” Fraser said, “and,” and he turned to give what I guess was his version of glaring back to Vecchio “wouldn’t be out of our way at all.”  

“Fine, fine, whatever,” Vecchio said.

Apparently I got shotgun, which was good, because it wasn’t just Constable Fraser and Detective Vecchio, it was also Fraser’s dog.  “Wolf, actually- well, half-wolf, or so he claims,” he’d said when he introduced Diefenbaker, so I was awfully glad that I wasn’t in the back seat with him.  Not so much because he seemed dangerous- I don’t know wolves but a lot of tail-wagging and slobber doesn’t spell out imminent threat to me- but because damn, that was a lot of slobber.  

Vecchio seemed a little less standoffish once we got going. It helped, I guess, that somehow Fraser had gotten started talking about this one time he'd tracked an “unknown assailant” halfway across Canada or whatever from noticing what kind of freaking cigarette he'd been smoking.  It sounded pretty screwy to me, like he was either seriously exaggerating or outright making shit up, but Vecchio started smiling even as he was rolling his eyes.

The way to the hospital went pretty near where shit had gone down in the first place. I glanced out the windows, wondering what the odds were of the badguys sticking around.

“By then, of course, I had nearly run out of provisions, and had to turn to living off the land,” Fraser was saying.  “Diefenbaker was good enough to alert me to the presence of rabbits, and not wishing to alert the man I was tracking to my presence, I eschewed the use of my rifle, and instead fashioned a slingshot from the nearby foliage.”

It was a neighborhood I was only vaguely familiar with- I'd been a little out of my usual way today. But I still recognized a few buildings here and there- we were only a couple blocks over from the alley where they'd jumped the kid.

“Oh, sure. The foliage. I'm sure I'd do the same thing in your position,” Vecchio smiled.

The streets weren't real crowded or anything, but there were a few pedestrians out, some people shopping, a couple bums but nobody bothering to panhandle. Normal life on a Chicago street.

“Don't be silly, Ray, I very much doubt you have the experience- though I'd be very happy to teach you, if you were interested. Now, as it happened, while stalking a rabbit through the forest, I came close to a clearing and was very surprise to see a man standing there.  And before I could alert him to my presence, I saw him raise a cigarette to his lips and light it, and wouldn't you know it, I detected the scent of-”

“Fuck!” I yelled when what I saw penetrated my brain. “That’s them! that’s the bastards right there! four-oclock- the leather jackets” and Vecchio said something in response, but I didn’t hear him because next thing I knew I heard the back door opening, I looked over my shoulder and the mountie had fucking dove out of the moving car.  Two seconds later, he was on his feet running hell for leather at the malfeseants, as he’d called them, and a split second after that we were pulling one hell of a u-turn, and I lost sight of him.

“Dammit, not again,” Vecchio said. “Fucking super-mountie.”

But then we were speeding down after them. By the time Vecchio got out of the car Constable Fraser had somehow gotten one of them into handcuffs, and the dog was menacing the other pretty credibly.  

“These the guys?” Vecchio asked me as I ambled over.

“Sure are,” I agreed. They glared at me. I noticed a few noticable bruises on them. Heh. Sweet.  

He started giving them their rights. Something prickled in the back of my head. I turned around and saw the guy across the street maybe half a second before instinct took over.  “Gun” someone yelled, maybe it was me.  I threw myself at Fraser. Something stung on my right arm.  We were on the ground. My arm hurt- REALLY hurt.  So did bits of my left side, where it had hit the concrete instead of nice warm mountie. The spot on my arm throbbed.  

“Ray! Ray!”

I blinked. I was on the ground on my back now. Everything felt a little far away, which was nice because otherwise I probably would be screaming in pain. A face  hovered over me. Fraser. Pretty. “You called me Ray!” I said.

“The ambulance is on it’s way,” he said. “The bullet seems to have hit your arm- I suspect it hurts rather badly, but I doubt your life is in danger.”

“Ouchie,” I agreed affably. There was something under my head- his hand? “Didja get the badguys?”

He nodded at me, still staring straight into my eyes. “The men you identified are handcuffed and should be in police custody in about- forty five seconds, if I’m interpreting the acoustical properties of sirens correctly. Unfortunately, the gunman fled, but I believe I’ll be able to produce an excellent likeness.”

He was right about the time- pretty soon there were all kinds of cops around, and a couple of paramedics shoed him away from me and got to work. It was kind of a blur after that, ambulance to ER, them sticking me on a bed, poking at my arm, cleaning it and making sure I wasn’t bleeding out or anything, before all hell broke loose out in the rest of the ER and they left me alone for what must have been a couple hours at least  

I didn’t mind too much though. They’d stuck some good drugs in my IV before running off to go deal with the poor fuckers who’d been in a car crash.  

So good I must have dozed off, because at some point I found myself waking up, and there he was, sitting next to the bed.

“Hey,” I said groggily, blinking. He looked different, less of the polite mask, looking- kind of actually worried.

He smiled weakly at me.  "Hello.  I'd tell the nurses you're awake, but frankly they still seem quite busy, and one did assure me that you're in no serious danger."  

"Good, that's good," I said.  "Guess I got lucky, huh? I mean as far as getting shot goes."

"Indeed," he agreed. "I have to thank you, by the way. If not for your quick thinking and entirely unselfish impulses, that bullet could easily have hit me, and somewhere much worse than a graze on the arm."  

"Eh, I was heading towards the ground anyway, no biggie to drag you with me," I said, but some back part of my brain was getting way too happy about having the pretty mountie grateful to me.

“I saw Kyle. He's on the mend, but I don't think the hospital staff wishes him to have any more visitors today, aside from his family.”

I blinked. “Kyle?”

“The young man who you protected.”

Oh, right. “Oh. Good. That's good.”

When they finally got un-busy enough to discharge me- arm bandaged and in a sling with a prescription for vicodin and strict orders to get my doctor to look at it in a couple days- he was still there.  Detective Vecchio had gone home, but I guess the guilt was getting to him good. He hovered next to me as I filled out paperwork and read over the discharge instructions.  

As I was lingering near the exit of the ER, trying to figure out whether to take the El home or get a cab, he said, “Ray?”

I looked up at him, still a little hazy. He was biting his lip, looking uncertain, first staring somewhere over my shoulder and then straight at me.  

“Yeah?”

"Would you- would you like to get something to eat?"

I blinked. Come to think of it, I was pretty hungry.  "Yeah," I said. "Ok."

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 310

♫ side-quest ep! side-quest ep! totally worthwhile side-quest ep! ♫

(Being mostly sarcastic there, but ffs I’ve been singing it to the tune of the Spider-Man song since Saturday night and how do I make it stop...)

As a standalone thing, this was an entertaining hour of television. I’m always here to watch Claire go full Beauchamp and be badass. (I am hardcore just leeching on to the parts of this episode that I liked because dammit I’m sick of not liking most things.) As part of the season as a whole though, I have a lot of similar issues as I had last week. Except this time instead of the characters acting like they’d skipped an episode’s worth of development, it’s like why are we spending an episode this close to the end of the season on a side-quest where the only important thing that happens is finding out that Jamie’s two identities have been connected. (Yes, I know that the answer is “the book” but *puts on broken record* it’s an adaptation, they can change things.)

But whatever. I need to just proactively keep my expectations low and just enjoy episodes as individual units because apparently thinking of them as a whole season makes me roll my eyes.

Fergus with his gift for Marsali is adorable. But why does Jamie need to come off like such a dick when he asks Fergus what his business is with the cook? I’d really like to like Jamie again, show. Just sayin’.

For real though, smitten!Fergus is my favorite.

Why does Jamie act surprised that Claire is still on the Porpoise? Like he’d know if she was back on the Artemis. So where else would she be?

Where was all this passion and need to protect Claire when she’d actually been attacked in ep. 307? Because in the aftermath of that he was just a dick and didn’t bother to ask if she was ok. Cool that Jamie only acts like he gives a shit about Claire’s well-being when she’s not there.

Midshipman Fetus standing up for Claire is my everything. And Claire scolding him for licking his finger is also my everything. Basically everything with Claire and Midshipman Fetus is my everything.

Ok but the kid who plays Midshipman Fetus is named Albie and that is the most adorable name for the most adorable kid. And for real, bless the casting wizards because this dude is like a little heart-eyed puppy who follows Claire around like “don’t you dare mess with my mom.” He’s perfect.

For real though, Claire’s face when she’s like owning Mr. Overholt. Like I don’t have time for your shit, rando. Just do what I tell you. #BAMF But then her face when she’s looking over the deck of sick men and is like fuck, I can’t save all of them and is very much aware of the limits of what she can do. Basically 90% of my thoughts while watching this episode were just “omg look at Claire’s face.” I’m *rull* eloquent like that.

*throws awards at said face, just for good measure*

Seriously though. It’s so nice to finally see Claire being like listen up fives, a 10 is talking. Like yaaas queen.

And in things that aren’t shocking, it took her being away from certain dudes and their manpain for her to finally get to Kool Aid Man-style bust through the wall she built around herself and be like I’m Claire Elizabeth Motherfucking Beauchamp and I’m here to save your asses. *aggressively side-eyes a certain producer who keeps claiming that Claire needs to be defined by the men in her life*

“Just because it’s beyond *our* comprehension, Cosworth, doesn’t make it less voracious. We must believe her.” Yaaas, Captain Babyface. Am always here for people who respect Claire’s skill and knowledge.

“There’s more than disease aboard that ship, lad. There are 300 men.” Cool that Jamie understands that *men* are the source of the of sexual violence women face when Claire’s on the Porpoise, but when she was nearly raped all of three episodes ago, he was like meh, screw comforting my wife, I’m just going to tell Claire how everyone will just blame her and then go about my business.

“What good are you, you damn fool? I see I was right to withhold my blessing from you. Proves ye dinna ken what love is.” Ok, yes. Jamie is like freaking the fuck out. But jfc, you can freak the fuck out and not be a complete piece of shit to Fergus. Someone text me when Jamie isn’t a fucking asshole anymore because I’m *rull* over this.

“You would move heaven and earth. You would risk arrest and death. Even hell.” More big dramatic speeches for Jamie because clearly that’s all you need to redeem a character who was a dick for a few episodes but sorry, dude, you can speechify all you want, but your idea is still dumb and eventually your rational thought needs to come back and you need to fucking realize that. Like I get it. He’s desperate. He probably can’t survive losing Claire again. He definitely thinks that’s the case, anyway. But he’s also smart. He and Claire have been alternating rescuing each other for basically the entire series. So like dude. Stop. Take a fucking breath. Think about this for a second. Fergus is fucking right.

Although his face when he says “even hell” is so good because yeah, we all remember the way too unnecessarily graphic Wentworth episodes, dude.

“Until ye risk all, ye canna speak of love.” Nah, bro. That’s not how it works. Not every couple has to go through all the shit you and Claire went through so they can “earn” being able to say they love each other. (I don’t know why Jamie bugs me so much this half of the season that I’m like incapable of just going along with dialogue like this. Because like the show clearly wants me to think it’s all dramatic and romantic and shit. I’m apparently “watching it wrong” or something. Lol, no. Jamie’s just a fucking asshole. *eye roll at the thought that there’s a right or wrong way to watch something*)

Fergus, my dude, if Jamie’s going to say shit like this to you, maybe you should just say fuck his blessing and live your own damn life.

Midshipman Fetus’ face during the burial at sea. Omg I just want to give him a hug.

I love that Claire can’t even be bothered to tell Cosworth to fuck off. Like bro she’s so far out of your league she doesn’t even need to deign to acknowledge your bullshit with a response. Just the arms crossed lean on the rail with her face like broseph I know my value, who the fuck are you. You go, Peggy Carter Claire.

Oh the layers of Claire explaining what compartmentalizing is. Girl, you have a PhD in compartmentalizing...

“Begging your pardon, madam, but after three days of watching you at your work, I do not think much of it will come down to luck.” Midshipman Fetus is officially a member of the Claire Beauchamp Fan Club along with Ned, Fergus, Young Ian and YTC.

I’m over the rabbit shit, tbh. Like they’re trying too hard at this point. But it’s a super sweet gesture by Midshipman Fetus to give Claire the lucky charm his mom gave him.

Here for Claire dropping f-bombs and for Midshipman Fetus to just be like *heart eyes* about it. Right there with you, sir.

“Seamen will drink almost anything.” Same, tbh.

Cosworth is like the *one* antagonist dude in the series who doesn’t threaten Claire with sexual assault. All for there being conflict, but thanks for finally not making the threat of rape part of it, show. No brownie points for you for finally doing something you should have realized ages ago.

Like for real though. The bar is that low that in a crap scene that I’m still like omg but he didn’t try to rape her so they made progress and I should just move on. I don’t know why I bother with you sometimes, show.

Also seriously I keep typing Cogsworth and I’d like to apologize to the clock from Beauty and the Beast for that.

Oh so it’s Marsali helping Fergus in the credits. RIP hopes for a nice Claire and Fergus scene. Haven’t had one except the meeting on the street, have we? Le sigh. Maybe at the wedding? *lowers expectations because why should we have meaningful moments between characters we care about when we can have a whole episode about saving randos*

I really love Marsali. She reminds me a bit of Claire and I’d be so down if Fergus like told Jamie and Claire at some point that that’s part of why he likes her so much. Like not in a creepy way, obvi. *side-eyes some of Roger’s thoughts about Claire from the books* But like that she has the same strength and spirit.

Oh but then of course we get the Artemis’ crew talking about wanting to rape Marsali. Couldn’t make it through one episode, could you, show. Of course you couldn’t. Le sigh.

STOP SAYING MIDSHIPMAN FETUS LOOKS TIRED. HE’S FINE. HE’S TOTALLY OK AND WILL MAKE IT TO JAMAICA AND YOU WILL ADOPT HIM AND TELL JAMIE THAT HE GOT TO BRING HOME FERGUS SO YOU GET TO BRING HOME THIS FETUS CHILD AND EVERYONE WILL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Claire in a bandana, threatening a man with a comically large knife is my aesthetic.

For real though. Claire is just as desperate to save Jamie here as Jamie was to save her. The difference is, Claire takes a fucking minute, thinks about it and is like nope. Killing this dude is not a good idea. Need to think of another plan. Take note, Jamie.

Claire’s face when she says Jamie didn’t kill the minty fresh corpse. [insert Mentos joke here] Although Claire, it’s not your fault. Like she’s clearly thinking omg I did the thing that Jamie might hang for and there’s a sense of guilt there. But Claire. You didn’t kill the guy. You tried to save him. It was Jamie who put him in the cask. It was Jamie’s smuggling that brought the dude to the brothel in the first place. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

Since we’re side-questing, because lol why not, I want a whole spinoff about Annekje and her goats shenaniganing their way around the world on ships.

Like her smile though when she’s like “my goats need grass” like she knows she has a good escape plan and the language barrier is not going to put her down. She’s fucking adorable and I heart her.

Fergus is so great in this episode. You’re a better man than Jamie, dude.

The scene when Elias dies kills me. Just Claire giving him that bit of comfort in thinking his mother is there. And her face because she couldn’t save him. And he’s just so young. And guys why is my face wet.

AND SHE GIVES HIM BACK HIS RABBIT FOOT AND WHY DO I HAVE FEELINGS.

Oh man, the shot of just his single body going into the sea is so much more powerful than the shot of the multiple ones from earlier.

Bless for Captain Babyface trying to comfort Claire and give her due credit while recognizing her loss. The Babyfaces on this show, both Lt. and Capt., are so great.

Sort of side-eyeing Claire for not getting what Annekje meant earlier, but whatever. Also why so many VOs in this ep. Stahp. For real though, the way she reassures Claire that she’ll care for the sick when Claire leaves is so good. So like Claire leaves knowing she’s not breaking her oath.

Speaking of oaths...they are pesky little things, aren’t they. For real, I love Capt. Babyface. Like even when he’s a threat to Jamie, and therefore my girl Claire’s happiness, I can’t help but like him.

Oh look. Jamie’s looking at the pictures of Bree. Cool that he thinks of her when he’s by himself but when he’s with Claire all he does is insult Bree, use her to hurt Claire like a certain other doucherocket did and acknowledge that Claire misses her but doesn’t offer any similar sentiments of his own so Claire’s basically feeling like she’s going through missing Bree alone. (A hug is nice, but not the same as a comforting word to Claire about your daughter, dude. Since you have yet to say basically anything nice about Bree that you didn’t then immediately contradict when you were in a pissy mood.)

“What Fergus did, he did for you.” “If you believe that, you dinna deserve to be let out of here.” PREACH, MARSALI. FUCKING PREACH.

I love Marsali so much. I love Fergus so much. I am Fersali trash and I am 1000% ok with that.

For real though, Jamie, I get you were desperate and shit, but you’re also not an idiot. Fucking take a minute and realize that Fergus basically saved your ass from your damn self. The guy is fucking great and you are a fucking asshole. #SorryNotSorry

“You’ll need to prove yourself to her as much as to me.” Jamie. Wtaf is wrong with you. Fergus is a fucking good dude. Marsali is a good woman. They fucking love each other and each fucking know how much the other loves them. There was never any reason why they shouldn’t have gotten your blessing except that you were being a twat. Not that they even need your blessing. It’s a gesture of respect that I’m honestly not sure you’re worthy of at the moment. But wait, I forgot that you’re not a dick anymore apparently and everything’s fine, it’s all forgotten and totally ok now. (For real, I really want to like Jamie again. I’m just...struggling.)

Lol, Jamie calling Fergus “mon fils” is like the equivalent of saying a romantic book line to Claire in that it seems like the show thinks that makes everything he’s done ok.

Ok but for serious. Give Annekje her own show. She’s like so self-assured and like yeah, I totally know that this ridic thing will work because I *actually know shit about the sea*. SHE’S SO COOL AND I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER.

The JHRC’s always sound so forced. This one is no exception.

And we end on a cliffhanger. Again. Because of course we do.

But whatever. Next week we get tan, sea soaked Claire. Which does things for me. So since I’m basically just here for Claire at this point, bring on jungle shenanigans and here’s hoping the crazy fucking priest is slightly less crazy than he was in the book and they cut a bunch of the random shit when Claire’s at his house... Because fuck it, if I’m drunk enough the ridiculousness is silly enough to justify watching. I guess.

[muskyfictionmen]

The dirty Riverdale/Teen Wolf crossover no one asked for.

((First attempt at a crossover- I loved writing it, so lemme know what you think! Super raunchy and NSFW, for anyone who doesn’t follow my blog who comes across this ;3)) ((You can also find this on AO3 Here))

Stiles wouldn’t have had a problem staying in Beacon Hills while his dad was called out of state- but according to the older Stilinski getting away from the stress of the Supernatural would do him some good. Brighten his cheeks again (If only he knew how bright they got when he was with Derek...lord) After promises from Derek that he’d visit while they were stationed there, he’d less-reluctantly packed his bags, and traveled with his dad all the way to upstate New York. Riverdale, a small town, with a big mystery, that despite not wanting to be there intrigued Stiles to no end. Apparently their sheriff had been recommended to the Beacon Hills Police Department- now that Stiles’ dad knew about the supernatural, their rate of unsolved mysteries were lower than they’d ever been before. Sure a lot of it was cover ups, but it still looked good. Riverdale Sheriff, Sheriff Keller, welcomed them into his home with more or less open arms- not too happy to have to be deemed incapable of solving this murder on his own, but he and John hit it off well enough. Stiles and Kevin? Not so much.

With more than enough permission from Derek, Stiles’ insatiable need for sex was easily sated in Riverdale.  He particularly liked the older, rougher men from the south side of town. Southside Serpents. Seedy men who loved to fuck him in groups, some of them never having had their asses eaten before, more than a little surprised when Stiles would suck on their balls, then slither (Ha) his tongue down to their hairy dirty puckers, and suck there too. Derek had come across Riverdale once or twice when he lived in the city and made it out to the woods for full moons- after getting more than a few raunchy videos from Stiles, he booked a ticket out for the end of the month. A promise to be used just like his bitch boyfriend by one of the more vocal men in the bar.

Maybe it’s because Kevin wasn’t as comfortable with sex, or he was jealous that he was reduced to fumbled hand jobs in cars late at night or tight balls from the cold when he hooked up out in the woods. Whatever his problem, he made it clear he didn’t like Stiles. But Stiles had met guys like him before. He was envious, angry more so at himself. For not giving in. Stiles was only too happy to help. Sneaking out one night when their dads had gone to bed after pulling a double, and smirking to himself when Kevin was waiting up for him when he got back. Hissed whisperings about treating their house with respect, not to slut it up all over town, bringing back god-knows- what. Stiles huffed, holding up a hand to stop the other boy mid-sentence, checking down the hall that both of their dads were still snoring in their rooms, before clearing the space between he and Kevin in a few long strides- watching as he held his breath, nose twitching at the scent of ass and cum on his face- and then he kissed him. Spitting out the last load of cum he’d had the pleasure of taking into Kevin’s mouth, and swirling their tongues together to share it. Reaching down with one hand to hitch their hips together, hard cocks sliding too perfectly. It was a mess of fumbling zippers, dry strokes, and spitting back and forth into each other’s mouths- two chaffed orgasms later, and they were in Kevin’s bed, playing scratch and sniff with each other’s holes, iris’ swallowed up by pupils- windows growing hot and steamy as they sloppily sucked around each other’s fingers, and slid them into one another. Licking around filthy digits to keep the slide wet, before sucking two more loads out of one another- Stiles teasing Kevin’s prostate for the first time, and massaging his taint as it twitched and he filled Stiles’ mouth with two swallows of cum- the second of which they shared lazily before falling asleep. Scrambling the next morning as their dads came knocking, wondering if Kevin knew where Stiles was, since he wasn’t in his room. Needless to say two things were set in stone by the end of breakfast- their slow acceptance of one another was to come to fruition over the next few days in front of their dads- and outside of their sight, Stiles and Kevin were two inseparable sluts.

Stiles’ first day at Riverdale High school was as uneventful as anyone’s first day at school was. He kept to Kevin’s side, made a note to give Betty Lydia’s number, and drifted. There were quite a few primo meat heads he wanted to get smothered by, but none of them could hold a flame to the fiery red headed stud who slid into the seat next to his own in Chem. A bit of his old insecurities flaring up as the other boy smiled, and extended a hand with his free hand- he was just so fucking pretty. “Archie Andrews, hey. You’re new right? Kevin told me to look out for you in my schedule. Hope it’s cool I sat.” Stiles had b ut a moment to curse Beacon Hills for not producing any memorable gingers, before smiling the way Scott liked to say it looked like /he/ was the wolf, and Derek told him it made his cock drip. Reeling it back a bit when he realized this was the first introduction. Wouldn’t do him any good to scare him off. “Stiles, yeah. Cool to meet you.” Shaking hands, and turning to their work as class started, Stiles nibbled on his lip nervously as he tried not to stare to intently at Archie. What the fuck kind of name was Archie anyways? Adorable. That’s what. Stiles wanted to eat him. They parted ways for their next class too soon for Stiles’ liking, but they’d meet once again at lunch. Stiles practically swooning when he approached with Kevin, and Archie was strumming a guitar. In a fucking Letterman Jacket. “So he plays football. And guitar.” He stated as though it weren’t obvious, and Kevin sighed dramatically. “And he’s straight.” Stiles couldn’t hold back a snort, pulling out his pone to scroll through his collection of pictures of the pack. Handing it off to Kevin, and hiding his snort around a cough as the boy choked. “Lots of ‘straight’ guys back home too.” Stiles winked, laughing as he took his seat and Kevin started zooming aggressively. “Haven’t seen you like that since Moose first propositioned you.” Archie laughed, and Kevin blushed- Stiles just holding his hands up like he was being left out. “Oh, Moose. Big-“ “Oh! Oh, okay yeah…yeah.” Coughing again to hide his own flaming cheeks, Stiles nodded and made a motion with his hands to show he understood. “Thank god for Moose.” He said around his soda, reaching across the table to shuffle through some of Archie’s sheet music carefully. “Not a lot of guys around to here to help Kevin have a good time.” He said without looking up, not missing the way Archie’s eyes shot up to try and catch his, before falling back to his guitar. Kevin pressing an insistent hand to the small of Stiles’ back. Warning. Don’t push. But he knew, he wasn’t an idiot. “There was a bar that got shut down in LA a couple years back? My mom and dad used to go there when they were in college, so he wanted to snag a few of the trinkets on the walls. I got my hands on some really old sheets of music, a little wear and tear, but vintage- they’ve just been in a folder under my desk since then. Wanna take ‘em off my hands.” He asked, palms getting a little sweaty at the way Archie smiled. “Hell yeah! Got any idea what kinda music?” “I scanned them all online at some point, I’ll bring you a drive with them on it tomorrow, and have a friend send them out next-day if you want the physicals.” Stiles assured him, winking at Kevin when Archie finally turned back to his guitar with a ‘thanks’. Pulling the other boy close when the bell rang, and Archie hurried off to his practice. “Archie is incredible, but god do I want to taste that. Don’t act like you don’t want in. Lemme work some old Stilinski family charm on him, get in his head.” “Just don’t push him to a psychotic break, I couldn’t bear not hearing that boy never sing again.” Kevin said, slinging an arm around Stiles’ shoulder, before nodding. “You’re kind of evil. " He added simply, and Stiles nodded. “I’m the thin line between demonic possession, and erotic self-expression.” “I...I don’t know what to say to that.”  “It’s fine, no one ever does. Kind of an inside joke. Lets just get to class.”

It took a whole hell of a lot of consulting with the pack, since they were all basically sexual deviants, and Stiles hadn’t had to deal with a real ‘straight’ all American beefcake before. Not that Archie was blind to all of his silent advances. Eye contact with the sucking of various things-pens, lollipops, popsicles- the quiet praise over practices, and cologne, and music- guy things. Stroking the ego. After a few weeks in town, when they were more than little friendly, he stepped it up a notch. Close to dropping to his knees after giving Archie the typical ‘bro’ hug after a game, the cheers of the crowd drowning out his words to everyone but Archie, as he pulled back- an inch or so away from the boy, and licked his lips. “You smell hot Andrews.” He laughed it off, but he didn’t miss the way his eyes had tracked his tongue, the way the flush on his cheeks deepen and spread down his neck, below and his pads. Stiles had to be peeled away by Kevin. The two of them taking his dads truck out to the boonies and fucking like rabbits all night. Both of them crying out Archie’s name when they painted each other’s faces with cum.

A hitch in his plan came in the form of a dirty jock, and a sweaty tank top. Isn’t that how it always is? …Probably not, but whatever. Scott had sent out the sheets of music he promised Archie almost a month before, but problems with the package had kept it held until then. He and Kevin had gone over to the other boys house to drop them off, not hesitating when they were invited in. Archie seemed almost nervous as he looked over his shoulder at them as he lead them upstairs to his room. Stiles wasn’t entirely sure why, until he and Kevin tore their eyes away from Archie’s plump as to look at one another- surprising each other by the intensity of their gazes. Archie probably felt like he was being hunted. God that was hot. Stiles didn’t have many moments of feeling powerful- it wasn’t when you were surrounded by werewolves, but this? Seducing another human,  it made his skin hot, and his lips tug into the tiniest smirk, as he leaned forward and drug his nose along the seat of Archie’s jeans. Tripping up and pressing further on purpose, squawking as he did so, flailing a bit to play it up- Archie and Kevin both hurrying to catch him before he smashed his face into the upstairs landing.  Thanking them, he flushed purposefully, before pressing a rough kiss to Kevin’s lips, and hissing about the scent of Archie’s ass as they dropped back for a second when Archie turned into his room. Despite wanting to wreck him within an inch of his life, Stiles also found it odd he could so easily be Archie’s friend. He was kind, adorably, tooth achingly sweet even. With the voice of an angel, and the body to match. Derek rarely turned all jelly legged and bumbling for anyone but Stiles, and under very specific circumstances, but Archie was going to drive him crazy when they met. Archie was practicing and playing the new music for them, but Stiles tiny bladder was getting the better of him, and he excused himself halfway through a song to head to the bathroom. Pissing and washing his hands, almost out the door before something in the mirror caught his eye. His head thumping quietly against the door when he realized what it was. So much for keeping it cool. Hanging on one of the linen closet doors was a jockstrap. A dirty jockstrap. A dirty jockstrap Stiles would bet money on had been used for at least a week of practices. In his haste to get back to his friends, he hadn’t focused in on the scent of ripe jock balls and cock that was filling up the room. Shutting the door quietly, he kicked off his jeans and underwear, reaching forward to scoop up Archie’s jock- pressing it to his face- sniffing tentatively at first, and then snorting like a damn crack whore- cock hard and spitting, the slide of his hand on his shaft making sloppy guppy noises from all the pre. He was huffing on Archie Andrews cock and ball musk, and he was going to cum in a good thirty seconds.  A knock on the door, quiet, had Stiles nearly sliding off the toilet as he jerked around- calling out weakly that he was still in there, scrunching his brows up when he saw the shadow of feet under the door slide from left to right a few times. Kevin then? Even better, really. Stiles loved sharing.  They’d need to be quick, and quiet, and Stiles whispered as much to Kevin when he let him into the bathroom- the boys eyes wide as he looked him up and down, before zeroing in on the jockstrap in his fist, jaw practically hitting the floor. Grunting at the effort it took to get Kevin’s belt and painted on jeans down around his thighs, Stiles pressed the jock between their faces as they kissed- both of them breathing in the aphrodisiac that was Archie Andrews. Kevin noticed the tank, and while Stiles wasn’t the biggest pit man, he could appreciate the sweat and scent of what poured from those fiery underarms, so he rubbed the jock along Kevin’s cock- the rough fabric scraping almost too roughly against his sensitive cock head as he breathed in the pit stains of Archie’s undershirt, balls tightening up just as Stiles saw another pair of shadowed feet under the door. Bare, shuffling as to keep quiet, then the shadow of Archie’s upper body. Stiles shouldn’t have, he could have been blowing everything, but he couldn’t help himself. “Fuck, Archie smells so good.” He moaned, just loud enough for the boy to hear outside- his shadow stilling, almost like it was painted there, and Stiles cursed, and came- coating Kevin’s cock, and the jock, Kevin following seconds after- an almost scared looking taking over when he realized what they’d done, and Stiles simply smiled. Bringing the soaked jock up to lick at, Kevin getting with the program with a uttered ‘nasty slut’ as they cleaned away their mess, and dressed. Stiles taking it one step further by putting the shirt and jock back as they’d been, only on the opposite cabinet door. Archie would know. If he didn’t quite understand what they’d been doing, now he would. Kevin didn’t know Archie had overheard them, Archie was under the impression he’d done some Grade A peeping, and Stiles was a terrific liar, so the afternoon wasn’t awkward after that. Only when Archie went to show them out, and he squeezed past Stiles, did his nose scrunch up, their eyes meeting and Archie’s brow rising as he visibly sniffed at Stiles’ face. “Kevin makes great cupcakes; I probably still have icing on my face.” Was all Stiles offered, slipping past Archie with a brush of their hands- calling up to him that they’d see him at school, and he hoped he’d enjoy the rest of the music. 

  The next few days were a bit Awkward, not uncomfortably so, but the tension between them and Archie was more than palpable.  It took about a week for Archie to start coming around to their conversation again, and one more to be his happy, bubbly little self again. Stiles was happy he hadn’t ruined all their chances, any lingering ideas about that out the window when Archie cornered them on Friday, and asked if they’d help clear out his garage, and maybe paint. Stiles wasn’t one for manual labor, but he’d do anything for Archie at that point. Literally. Derek was coming in a week, so that meant he either confronted Archie with Kevin some point before then, or not at all. So this seemed the perfect opportunity. Stiles didn’t dress as nice as Kevin, both because he lacked the funds, and the fashion sense. Plus he didn’t care too, but he did like to look sexy when the time called for it, so he was happy he’d packed some of his more revealing things when they’d come down. Short board shorts, and a plain blue and yellow shirtless workout T he’d snagged from the boys locker room. What he’d been doing in there was no one’s business. Kevin dressed down similarly, and Stiles appreciated the view as he lead the way to Archie’s house- both of them regretting their decision to go without underwear when they rounded the boys house, and saw what he’d chosen to wear.

Or chosen not to wear was better. Nothing but a pair of short cotton work out shorts, light green in color that contrasted coolly against Archie’s pale skin. Pale skin not unlike Stiles’ own, though Archie may have ad him beat on the freckles and moles. All shiny and glistening with sweat. Stiles wanted to kiss each and every one of them, and if the tent in Kevin’s short was any indication, he was on the same track. Ducking down quickly to grab some boxes to conceal themselves for the time being, they called out their greetings, and got to work. It was one of the warmer days in the weeks before summer finally turned over to fall, so they were all sweating a few hours in. Archie more so then Stiles and Kevin both, and it wasn’t long before he had a ring of sweat at the top of his shorts, pooling from his back- a nice thick patch of sweat between the cheeks of his ass, and Stiles was going to die. He and Kevin had debated quietly whether or not they should sneak inside and jerk off as quickly as they could, but they were sadists apparently, and the Andrews tease was too great. And that’s exactly what it was. A tease. Stiles wasn’t sure about it at first, but when Archie had gotten on a ladder to reach some high shelves- muscles straining as he pulled down cans of paint, he’d seen the strap of his jockstrap. He couldn’t be sure about another suspicion until he’d dropped to re-lace his shoes when Archie had  come down, but the whiff of musk he caught as Archie carried the cans outside was unmistakable. He was wearing that same nasty jock from the bathroom. That fucking ginger demon. Archie even had the audacity to smile at Stiles like he was being perceived as the angel he, usually, was. Stiles would’ve admitted being wrong as the day carried on, but when the sun had just started to fall behind the houses across the street, and the garage was clear, the outside covered in a fresh layer of paint, he knew Archie was fucking with them. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it at first, but he guessed he’d been doing the same to the other boy, so whether or not he knew how hard he was teasing didn’t matter. Stiles was going to do something about it. As the garage door shut, Stiles and Kevin crashed together on the small couch in the garage, making room for Archie when he came to sit- Stiles immediately moving his head into his lap, watching him tense with a huff. “You reek.” He said with a tug at the waist band of the boys shorts, Kevin giving an affirmative thumbs up as he checked his phone. “Should’ve got a whiff when I was working construction this summer with my dad. He said I would’ve curdled milk with my pits.” Archie chuckled, extending both arms over the back of the sofa, Stiles gaze immediately sliding from his face, to the dark patches of sweaty red hair. He could already smell them. “You’re missing out on a lucrative money making venture by not selling your used gear.” No going back now. Archie stilled, lifting one perfectly thick brow up under his sweaty fringe of hair, as Kevin looked between the two of them, Adams apple bobbing nervously.   “What do you mean?” “Don’t act like you don’t know.” Stiles flicked a hand up at him dismissively. “Used shit, like your underwear? Tank tops, undershirts, jockstraps, cups, socks...” Reaching down to run a hand over the boys ankle, picking at the rim of his sock, stuffed inside his beat up chucks that he could smell when he brought his hand back up. “Some of my friends back home do it all the time, it’s great cash. Men love all American beef stink. Can’t say I blame them.” Pressing one hand into Archie’s side, Stiles pressed his nose along his waist, squinting at Archie when he tried to push him away. “Whoa, dude-“ ‘Stiles, maybe don’t-“ “He’s wearing the same jockstrap.” Stiles muttered, licking his lips as they twitched into a smile, Kevin staring confused for a second, before he shot a knowing look at Archie. Archie who was the definition of a deer caught in the headlights. “Didn’t think I’d say anything? Or what? Wouldn’t care? I saw you outside the bathroom, Andrews; you know what we were doing. Question is, are you gonna let us get at it from the source, or what? “ He hadn’t told Kevin about Archie having been outside the bathroom door, but if he cared, he didn’t show it. He just looked nervous- hand shaking as it played with the hem of his shorts, right near his cock. His hard cock. Sliding down from the couch, wincing at the concrete floors against his knees, Stiles gripped both of Archie’s knees- spreading them with little resistance, and sliding his open palms up against his thighs. Creamy white, and covered in as many moles and freckles as his back. Stiles never dropped eye contact, instead motioning Kevin to follow his lead, and making room for him in front of Archie. The same look of nerves flashed across his face as it did that day on the staircase. Only now was totally different. Whether he knew it or not, Stiles and Kevin were giving Archie control. Since he didn’t know what to do with it, they showed him. “I’ve wanted to taste you since you introduced yourself, fuck.” Stiles growled, kissing his way u the inside of the boys thighs, Kevin helping him kick off his shoes- Archie, always the gentlemen, going to apologize, when Stiles shushed him. “First thing to understand about sluts like us? The filthier the better. Leave me one of his feet Kevin, I wanna smell how sour they.” Odding as he pressed his nose into the wiggling toes of one of his feet, Kevin moaned- giving Stiles a weak thumbs up when the other boy tugged Kevin’s shorts below his balls. Pretty uncut cock bobbing and already leaking into the humid air of the garage. Archie’s feet already permeating the air, as Stiles continued upwards- slipping his fingers into Archie’s leg holes and massaging his upper thighs- watching his abs quiver as he finally pressed his nose into the growing mound of is bulge. “Jesus Christ Archie.” He whined, voice cracking as he sniffed along the outline of the others hardening cock, glancing back briefly when Archie’s eyes fluttered closed, to see Kevin taking his toes into his mouth- gripping the base of his cock with his free hand, like he was about to shoot off if he didn’t. Stiles understood the feeling all too well. Massaging and sniffing and licking at Archie through the fabric of his jock and shorts was fun, sexy even, but Stiles was done taking things slow. Archie was hard when he shifted him to pull his shorts down, his cock flopping out of his jock and slapping against his hard stomach- smearing pre into his fiery happy tail, and Stiles bit his lip hard enough to draw blood- leaving the garments at Archie’s knees, as he pressed his nose right at the seam of his nutsack. Big and uneven, jumping as he mouthed and sucked one of them into his mouth reaching up to grip Archie’s cock and shake it at him, smirking around his mouthful as Archie groaned, settling his hands back on the back of the sofa, and giving in. “My balls reek.” He grumbled, almost high, as he looked back down, pupils wide as he watched Stiles nod- suck more enthusiastically, and run his tongue just below Archie’s sack of his furry taint. The taste tangy and the sweat their making it so slipper. As much as he wanted to taste his ass, that could wait. Popping off Archie’s balls with an audible pop, Stiles slid up to his cock- slapping it against his cheeks, and lips- smearing them like lipstick with the head of Archie’s cock, laughing under his breath as he choked. “Never had anyone want your cock this bad, Andrews?” Stiles was teasing now, kitten licking the head, before sliding it past his lips, and suctioning hard, Sucking on the head of Archie’s cock like a lollipop, the smell of his sadly trimmed bush assaulting his nose the further down he went, until his nose was buried in what bush of pubes Archie had- swallowing around his cock, throat constricting around the boys length, drawing curses from his beautifully bitten lips. Pink and plump like he couldn’t stop nibbling on them. Kevin watched from behind, reaching forward long enough to tear Stiles’ shorts down- smacking his plump little ass playfully, lifting Archie’s foot back up to smear the stink of it all over his face- knowing he’d smell it in his pores for days. Taste them on his breath all night. Had Stiles come along sooner, he could’ve been doing this forever. Glancing up at the boys pits, he made a note to get a sniff later- for now though, he took Archie’s free foot and pressed it against his cock- not taking it personally when he didn’t move it. He was a bit preoccupied with Stiles swallowing the impressive length of his cock without gagging. Archie had to be at least seven, at most nine- kind of hard to tell when Stiles had it in his throat- an impressive feat. Kevin was only slightly jealous. Humping his own cock against Archie’s smelly socked foot, hunching forward and sucking his big toe when his toes curled against Kevin’s cock head- his orgasm too close for his liking, but he knew he’d cum again if he did, so he wasn’t too worried. “You’re feet fucking reek Archie, don’t you ever change your cocks?” Kevin mumbled around his mouthful, licking from heel to the tip of Archie’s big toe, cock pressed too tight and too right against the arch of the other foot. “He’s a nasty boy and he knows it. Right Archie?” Stiles asked, challenging as he pulled off of the boys cock and stroked it slowly- slapping the head against his tongue, waiting. Archie tried to compose himself, gulping audibly, sweat dripping from his hair onto his chest. “Nasty for sluts like you. Fucking pigs.” His voice was shaky, but Stiles didn’t care- his cock jumped, pressing against the leather of the couch as he swallowed back down around Archie’s cock- picking up speed as he kneaded the balls below, keeping them pulled down and away from tightening up. He wanted Archie to cum all over h and Kevin, so edging him up was the best route. Whining when he was suddenly pulled form Archie’s dick, Stiles raised a questioning brow, mimicking Archie when the boy opened his mouth- Stiles’ eyes going wide when Archie spit into his mouth, before shoving him back down roughly, cock fucking so fast into his throat he started to tear up. Cock so close to bursting it wasn’t even funny. “Like that? Nasty bitch.” Archie groaned, lifting his sweaty as up off the couch to pound into Stiles’ throat, only pulling him off when it looked like he was going to pass out- Stiles coughing and sucking in air when he was able to, before diving down to lick up all his spit from Archie’s cock. “Again, Archie ordered, and Stiles knew what he meant- opening his mouth up at him, and taking his pit- going back down on his cock like a champ, as Kevin came across Archie’s socked foot for the first time- grinding through his orgasm, watching the scene in front of him with glossed eyes. “I wanna suck his cock now.” Kevin gasped, still sniffing between Archie’s toes, as Stiles pulled back, and nodded. “I wanna taste his funky ass.” Blushing, Archie hesitantly reached down between his legs- running two fingers over his hole and up his crack, before bringing them up to whiff like he’d done it before. Nose scrunching up, he held them out to them. “Be my guess if the smell doesn’t kill you...I’ve never..had my hole licked before.” God Stiles was going to die tonight. Pulling back, Stiles stood, kicking off his own shoes and shorts, Kevin following his lead, as they helped Archie out of his shorts and his last sock- Stiles sucking out Kevin’s cum and huffing on the funk for a few seconds, before tossing it aside, and telling Archie to get on his hands and knees. “No funny business.” He muttered, flushing as he eyed he and Kevin’s cocks, and Stiles smirked. “Don’t worry big boy, not in the cards for you tonight. But I’ll get you there.” Archie rolled his eyes as Stiles laughed, holding Kevin back, and shuffling through a few empty boxes for a blanket to put down, so their knees wouldn’t be too fucked after they were done. “Arch your back.” Stiles instructed, laying a hand over Archie’s spine and pressing down, smacking one of his cheeks, and watching it turn red as the bubbled globes parted. The ring of fire around Archie’s hole was oh so tempting, the scent of it pure teen raunch at its finest, but Stiles held back, despite practically drooling as Archie popped his ass up and down- large cock and balls swinging between his legs as he did so. Positioning Kevin comfortably under Archie- the boys feet crossed at the ankles over Kevin’s chest, Stiles tugged on his nuts, and pointed Archie’s cock at Kevin’s pursed lips- the red head taking the lead and fuck into the tight circle of wet with a moan, head down between his shoulders as he watched Kevin with a smile and winked. “Gonna do this for me when Stiles leaves?” He asked, chuckling as Kevin nodded around his mouthful, reaching his arms around to intertwine his fingers at the small of Archie’s back, pushing him down to fuck into his mouth like he’d done Stiles. Stiles was already sniffing along Archie’s heated crack, slick with sweat from his football practice, and their long day or work.  Archie fucking stunk, there was no way around it. His ass smelled like an ass, a funky teen jock trench, and Stiles was in love. On top of everything else, Derek was going to be putty in Archie’s hands when they met. He’d probably even bend over and let Archie stuff his tight wolf hole dry. Fill him with cum, then scoop it out to taste it. That dirty fucker. Cupping Archie’s feet together to slide his cock into the tight channel between them, Stiles finally spread the boys cheeks- watching his bright pink hole wink and tighten, the sight something Stiles would remember till the day he died. Fuzzy red hair almost too light to see covering his cheeks, but inside was like a forest fire. Dark and red, slicked back away from his hole with sweat. Stiles pressed his nose into Archie’s hole and sniffed, smirking at the muttered ‘Fuck, that’s gross’ from in front of him. “You’re the one who’s letting me eat out your dirty ass.” Stiles reminded him, flicking his tongue out against the sensitive fluttering rim, laughing out loud when Archie tensed and slid forward-before falling back on Stiles’ tongue. Fucking deep into Kevin’s throat and grinding into the constricting heat as Stiles licked around his hole, before slipping his tongue against an in each of the folds of his pucker. Tasting every ounce of sweat that had passed over it, and finally spreading him wide with both hands to start digging his tongue inside. The red heat of his hole gripping down on Stiles tongue like a vice, as he fucked with short quick thrust into Archie’s smelly feet. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum.” Archie moaned, crying out when Stiles reached down- Archie’s cheeks closing around his face, leaving him tasting and smelling nothing but his ass- to grip his sac and tug down, his other hand squeezing the base of his cock roughly as Kevin slid off just far enough to suck on only the head of Archie’s cock. Nursing there, moaning around the flood of pre that hit his tongue. “You fucking dick.” Archie sighed, making a noise somewhere between a laugh and a huff as he ground his ass back against Stiles’ tongue- reaching back with one hand to slide his fingers through Stiles’ hair- holding him tight, and mashing him impossibly deeper into his ass. “Eat that fucking hole, Stilinski. You like nasty jock hole? Like how it smells tastes? Fucking slut, Christ.” Gyrating his hips, winking against Stiles’ hole, his breath came in short bursts as he looked back- only able to see the top of Stiles’ head buried in his ass. “Jughead has got a wicked ass, I’ve got whiffs of it when we’re hanging out- farts like there’s no tomorrow too. But you like that, don’t you? Farts?” He pulled Stiles back far enough to see him nodding furiously. “Fuck yes!” “God you’re nasty!” Archie practically shouted, shoving Stiles back against his hole, and loosening up enough that Stiles slid his thumb in with nothing but some spit- parting Archie’s hole open to dig his tongue deeper into the dirty pink insides- Archie arching (Ha) his back even further, sweat pooling on his belly, and sliding down his cock and making a mess of Kevin’s mouth. When he clenched his toes against Stiles’ balls, he came- grunting into Archie’s ass and cumming across Archie’s soles and toes- pulling back away from his ass to drop on all fours himself and lick it up. Tasting between each of his sour funky toes, a mix of foot funk and musky cum. Pulling his cock out of Kevin’s mouth, and stretching out, Archie grinned-swiping his hair out of his face and flinging the sweat from it off to the side. “I wanna cum. Make me cum.” Was all he said, and both Stiles and Kevin scrambled into new positions. Stiles working Archie’s cock with a tight grip and fast strokes, mouthing at his balls as Kevin finally indulged in sniffing and licking out each of Archie’s pits. Whining at the gentle, sure hand behind his head pressing him deeper into the dense smelly hair. When he’d gotten is fill, he dropped to his knees, Archie watching them intently as they each took one side of his cock, and met at the base, kissing and sliding their mouths from base to tip, before alternating between ends, and his balls. Stiles’ wet fingers still massaging his hole, and Archie didn’t stand a chance. “Fuck, open up, take it.” He grunted, face red as he took his wet cock and stripped it fast, head thrown back when his balls tightened up, and he gushed. Cumming all over both Kevin and Stiles, hitting their chests first, then their faces. Stiles’ forehead and hair, and chin- Kevin’s eyes and lips and nose. Swatting Archie’s hands away to milk him for every last drop, nearly fighting over his now softening, sensitive cock. Archie shivered and it was his turn to whine, trying to get them off, but they weren’t having it. Stiles’ gripping Archie’s hands tight while Kevin sucked on his cock, flicking his tongue across the head as Archie cried out, a spurt of piss leaving his cock, as Kevin groaned and swallowed it down. “S-Stop! Stop, please, have mercy guys.” He whined, and Stiles pulled Kevin back, licking across his face to clean him up as Archie stumbled back and crashed onto the sofa- watching with a smile as Stiles and Kevin licked each other clean like animals- before making out, Stiles tasting the piss on Kevin’s tongue and angry that he hadn’t let him suck it all out of Archie. Archie who had slid down on the sofa to lie down, breathing like he’d just run a marathon. “I’m not gay.” He muttered when Stiles and Kevin slid in on either side of him- Kevin holding him against his chest, as Archie did the same for Stiles- always a sucker for cuddling, ever since he’d been little. “It doesn’t even sound you like believe that.” Stiles muttered, testing the very statement by pressing a kiss to Archie’s lips- the red head hesitating for only a moment, before giving in, even tasting Stiles’ tongue with his own. “God, I can taste my ass….that shouldn’t be hot, why is that hot?” He laughed, kissing Stiles more roughly, before turning to give Kevin the same attention. “Welcome to the world of…whatever the fuck it is we’re into, Archie Andrews. Welcome.”

[dontdropthejam]

GATHER ROUND CHILDREN IT'S TIME TO HEAR ABOUT THE SPOOKY TOWN OF CUMBERLAND BC AND IT’S NEIGHBOURS.

FORBIDDEN PLATEAU. A creepy fucking place on the lower area of Mount Becher. Even before I learned it's history, the abandoned Lodge half buried in the ground and the abandoned hut at the top of the slope already scared the piss out of me. BUT turns out there's actually a REASON that place should make me fear the paranormal bitches of the night. Because the white people of Vancouver Island's decided to keep up their reputation of being shitbags, slavery used to be way too common among the coastal tribes, who really just wanted to be left alone. Komox (Comox now) were soon threatened by this, and went ‘Aw fuck let's make sure our women and children are safe at least’ and sent them up to the Plateau. But apparently there was some sort of attack from the Cowichans, and everyone living up there was just… Gone. Vanished. So now, everyone's pretty damn sure the place has a bunch of evil spirits who had basically eaten everyone that had been up there. But for some reason @thecrazyfanthing had her birthday up there anyways because she's fucking bonkers. COMOX AVENUE. It's a road in… Comox. Which, along with Courtney, is quite close to Cumberland, so these next few would make sense in here. Once upon a time, a First Nations woman was married (Or engaged, sources vary) to a white pioneer man. She disappeared one day, and people are pretty sure that mother fucker MUDERED her. What a fucking asshole wow. For quite a while, a ghost people called Dancing Mary (Because if there's a ghost lady it HAS to be called Mary) walked the avenue. I say walked. She danced. As the name implies. She's apparently beautiful, and constantly shrouded in a blue mist. The last known sighting of her (That I could find) was during WWII when a soldier rode his bike through the weird mist, as you do, and said it was real fucking cold. Good to know. SIWASH HILL ROAD AND CEMETERY. Courtney, but also listed as being in Comox as well? Huh. Obviously, this things a creepy motherfucker. It has a green cloud mist thing, because mist is important in ghosty times. But the one that really creeps me out is the ghost of a woman with no arms or legs? And a… Really scary face? Boy that's fun. A lot of people think she was killed in an inter-tribal battle hundreds of years ago, because humans just seem to have a habit of being nasty to each other. Good news for me (Or bad, depending on how brave I'm feeling) is that apparently some road crew found her skeleton and she's stopped haunting the cemetery. Whether this means she's finally at peace or she's now so pissed that she's laying in wait for the perfect moment to strike and fuck our shit up for disturbing her, is not something I really want to think about this late at night. Also I used to pass this shit everyday on my way to school with NO IDEA so that's fun. SANDWICK MANOR. Fuck I love this one. It's this house in Cumberland (Though some sources say Courtney because this Valley apparently can't make up it's mind about it's own fucking geography) that's haunted by ‘Aunt’ Anna Duncan. She’s a super sweet ghost who died in 1927 and decided ‘actually no fuck that I'm gonna stick around and be super chill’. Most people who have known her ghost adore her. She appeared to a twelve year old girl in 1938, and told her that her family was safe. I… Don't know what she meant by that? Maybe I'll stop by the museum soon to check out the records again. See if that says anything. Sixty years later, the girl's sister saw her too. Not sure what happened then. Also… MISTY GLOW. You always need it guys. I don't remember the details and don't have the information on me right now, but at some point the house was going to be demolished. But people fought for it to stay, citing Aunt Anna as a reason to keep it. And they WON! It was nice to hear that while we were reading up on it, believe me. I now have an emotional attachment with ol’ Aunt Anna. OLD HOUSE RESTAURANT. A restaurant in Courtenay that seems to be haunted by a poltergeist by the name of Lena, who had been a maid for the place back when it was a house. She drowned in a river close by. Fun. Luckily, she doesn't seem to be as big of an asshole as most of her spirit type. She's reported as being playful, lighting and extinguishing candles, pulling on people's hair, all that good good chaotic neutral fun. CADDY. A motherfucking SEA MONSTER. I did not know this was a thing until this moment and I'm very happy about it. Either swims the Campbell River, or just the general coasts of Vancouver Island. Or both. Probably both. It has a specific name when referred to as being in the river in particular. ‘Klamahtossaurus’. Please don't make me say that. Some people think it's an oarfish? But let me believe guys. There's more, like the Bickle House and the Japanese Cemetery, but this is already too long as is, and I still have one more tale I'd love to share. About two or three years ago, during one of my parents Christmas parties, a drunk woman who I cannot fully remember for the life of me, told me a story of a forest spirit in the woods just behind my house. He’s the spirit of a young man, twenty or so, who killed himself in that forest. Now he just… Stays there. Sometimes he appears as a person, or at least humanoid, and sometimes he takes on the shape of a deer, rabbit, or even a tree or the wind. She told me he wasn't dangerous or violent, so that's good to know. But he likes to sing. And speak to people on the trails, usually in his wind form so it's just whisper they can barely make out. She didn't tell me his name. Or if she did, I don't remember it. None of the research I tried produced anything. Maybe this is another museum trip case? SO. There was my not so brief lecture on my hometowns folklore! Hope you enjoyed this clusterfuck, and if you did, good news! @spittin-out-the-damons and I are going to start a little myths and legends podcast, a la @spiritspodcast style! With less liquor. So keep an eye out for that! Happy haunting my dudes.

[leisurelypanda]

Here We Go Again chapter 6

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11776227/chapters/27338622

Thanksgiving Day had arrived. Craig’s family was coming over later that day. All of them. Craig said that they wanted to offer their in person congratulations on their expecting another set of twins. Michael suspected that they were also going to extend their good humored, yet heartfelt condolences. So all five of his siblings were coming in from across the country with their families along with Craig’s parents. Smashley, was apparently seeing someone and spending the day with them, for which Michael was immensely grateful. He really wasn’t in the mood for awkward conversations with the ex during the holidays, even if she did have advice for him.

That being said, he was currently watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with the girls as far away from the kitchen as he could get. Joseph insisted that karma didn’t exist, but today Michael was convinced of it because why else would a pregnant person wake up on Thanksgiving day excited to eat only to have his nausea triggered by whatever was cooking. Craig hadn’t actually started cooking the turkeys yet (he was just stuffing them), but Amanda had woken up early to get the World Famous St. Claire Green Bean CasseroleTM cooked before the double oven was taken over by the turkeys. It was one of his favorite parts of Thanksgiving, and this year it turned his stomach.

You’re going to have to learn how to like green bean casserole eventually, kids, he projected to his children. You’re not allowed to be my biological offspring and not like it, but love seafood. At least he had been awake enough yesterday to make the corn pudding, which came with no side effects at all.

“What is that?” Briar asked, pointing at the TV. He realized that he had dozed off a bit and opened his eyes. One of the floats was… strange. It was a giant, yellow… was it a rabbit? It had a lightning bolt shaped tail and red cheeks and large, expressive eyes that looked vaguely like a Japanese cartoon.

“I seriously need to improve your knowledge of nerd culture,” Amanda said. Behind her Craig wiped his hands staring bemused at the screen.

“This is nerd culture?” he asked.

“You two were what, teenagers in the 90s and you don’t know what a Pikachu is?” she asked shocked.

“I think it’s cute,” Hazel said. “Look at its cheeks.”

“If you say so,” Craig said. “The turkeys are in the oven, so if anyone needs to bake something, you’ll have to wait 4-5 hours.”

“I should be fine as long as there’s time to reheat the corn pudding before the meal actually starts,” Michael said, closing his eyes again. He seemed more tired today than most days, though there was still lots of time before the family started arriving.

Craig walked over and sat down next to him and Michael laid his head on his shoulder. “How’re our little hybrid bros?”

“I’m convinced they’re males,” he murmured.

Craig chuckled. “Why’s that?”

“Yeah, Pops, how would you know?” Amanda demanded.

“Because you didn’t give me nearly as much trouble,” he said.

“Maybe the doctor was wrong about you having twins and you’re having triplets!” Hazel said excitedly.

Michael’s eyes flew open. “Don’t even joke about that,” he said.

“Why? What’s wrong with triplets?” Briar demanded.

“Nothing,” Michael said. “I just don’t want to tempt fate into giving us four babies in the same house when we’re already about to have three. Just think about all the diapers!”

He felt Craig make a face. “Yeah, please, no tempting fate.”

“But what if they were triplet boys?” Hazel asked.

“Boys and girls are just as messy at that stage in life,” Michael said. “They just tend to be dressed differently for some reason.” **************************************************************************************************

A few hours after the turkeys were put in the oven, the family started to arrive. First were Craig’s parents carrying a couple homemade pumpkin pies. Michael had to physically stop Amanda from absconding with them by braving his pregnancy nausea to take the pies to the kitchen himself and suggesting that she get to know Craig’s parents better. They were so small, it was almost shocking to think that Craig was their child with his broad shoulders and muscled body. But when Craig’s mother embraced him, he could feel the muscular sinews of her arms, just like when he was in college.

“Michael,” she said warmly. “It’s so good to see you again.”

“It’s good to see you again, too, Mrs. Cahn,” he replied smiling.

“Honey, you’re dating my son,” she said, “Call me Courtney, I insist.”

“Okay, I will. Courtney, this is my daughter, Amanda.”

Courtney hugged Amanda fiercely and took her face in her hands. Amanda looked vaguely like a deer in headlights. Michael’s parents weren’t very physical, certainly not the sort to hug people they just met.  She hugged and high-fived her dad, but that was different.

“You seem like a bright girl,” she said. “Welcome to the family. Call me Grandma.”

Craig’s father, Bryce, was just as warm and the twins ran to jump into his arms and he picked them up with ease. Okay, maybe it makes complete sense for Craig to be buff. Michael thought.

Amanda began telling her new grandparents about herself, her photography, how her first semester in college had gone, and how she and her roommate had snuck a rabbit into their dorm room and named her Carla. Courtney remarked how much she reminded her of Michael and Craig in their college days and produced Craig’s worst nightmare. A photo album.

While Amanda was laughing hysterically at the embarrassing and extensive photographic evidence of her new family’s antics, more of said family with more food for the dinner. Craig’s huge gaggle of a family trickled in a little bit at a time. One of them brought in creamy mashed potatoes. Another brought in a pan of cornbread. One brought a cranberry jelly with pineapple, walnuts, and apple bits. Someone else brought in caramelized butternut squash. The last sibling to walk through the doors apparently couldn’t cook and had various tubs of ice cream and a few bottles of vodka.

“So there is someone other than me with a tendency to burn things in the kitchen,” Michael said, feeling satisfied.

“Yeah, they can’t cook, but they mix a mean drink,” Craig admitted.

“I expect you to drink mine for me,” Michael said.

“Don’t worry Pops, I got your back, I’ll take one for the team!” Amanda shouted from the living room.

“As long as you live in the same house as me,” Michael replied, “I won’t give you permission to drink until you’re of age.”

“This from the same person who roomed with my son,” Bryce said.

“Ouch.” **************************************************************************************************

FINALLY the food was done and everyone lined up to help themselves to the various foods assembled. The small army of cousins ran to the front of the line and piled their plates high with food. When Michael had his food he camped out in the living room with Courtney, who was on an ottoman right in front of the tv waiting for “the damn game to start.” Amanda joined him, having decided that her new grandma was her new favorite person.

“Careful, don’t get in her way when the game starts,” Hazel warned.

“But grandma is so sweet,” Amanda protested.

“You know nothing, Amanda,” one of the cousins replied.

They were right. As soon as the game started, Courtney was shouting at the TV like the players could actually hear her critiquing them. Still, Michael was pretty sure their neighbors could definitely hear her. She also didn’t just shout. She cursed. Like a sailor. Michael hoped someone was covering River’s ears so that she didn’t grow up knowing how to drop f-bombs or something.

“This happens every year?” Michael asked after she shouted “What the fuck did they teach you in high school football? Fucking ballet?!?!” at the TV.

“She’s… passionate about the Detroit Lions,” Craig admitted.

“Passionate?” he asked. “I’m concerned about our little hybrid bros will come out cursing.”

Aside from that, the dinner passed more or less uneventfully. Old debates were rehashed and Amanda chose which sides she would take. Michael met Craig’s older siblings at last. All the moms wanted to know exactly when the babies were due, when he had known, and how the pregnancy had gone so far. It was so different from Michael’s family (his mother still called him Michelle). But Craig’s family just accepted him from the moment he came home with him for the first time in college. Courtney had declared that he was part of the family and that was that.

During one commercial break (the Lions were losing) Courtney got off her ottoman and addressed her family like an empress addressing her court. “I believe all of you owe me something.”

Every adult in the room except for Craig and Michael got out their wallets and took out $20 and one by one delivered it to the family matriarch. Craig looked at the nearest relative and asked, “What exactly is going on?” It was his brother Greg.

“We all took bets on if/when you two would end up with each other,” he explained. “Mom was the only one who insisted that you two would end up together before she died. Everyone else thought that it was pretty clear that neither of you were interested in the other, especially after you each started dating different people.”

“All of you bet against us?” Michael asked.

“Well, yes. I mean, we all thought that you two would end up together once,” he said a bit defensively. “But after college was over and you were both happily dating someone else, we figured it wouldn’t happen.”

“I always knew that it would happen,” Courtney boasted. “I know my boys better than they know themselves.”

“I’d disagree, but she’s right,” Craig admitted. “Do we get a cut since we actually made sure you won?”

“I’ll make you a set of baby clothes,” she said. “Mama’s going clubbing.”

Amanda snorted gracefully. “Happy Thanksgiving, fam.”

[shydragon327]

The new Story of Seasons game is pretty cool! Pros: - The first few heart events for the marriage candidates are platonic and you can see them regardless of your gender. - Festival competitions have 3 different ranks so if you don't think you can win the grand prize for a higher rank you can compete for a smaller prize in a lower rank. - You can increase crop quality in 4 separate aspects; color, size, juiciness, and sweetness/aroma, and higher ranked harvest festival contests have specific themes. - Pet houses are no longer bigger than barns and are now smaller doghouse like structures that house individual pets. Pets also can have various jobs such as herding, collecting items, or collecting fish independent of what animal it actually is. You can get unique breeds of pets instead of just different colors too! - Lots more crop variety with the inclusion of unique crops from each town. - There is now a visible indicator for how likely it is to get golden produce from your animals. - Apparently there's DLC where you can marry Woofio. I don't plan to do this myself since I'm marrying Inari but the fact that this will be possible is incredible and I love it. Cons: - Still no rival marriage. - Friendship is way too easy to earn, both with animals and townspeople. My first cow was at full friendship in less than half a year and I'm up to a blue heart with bachelors that I barely speak to and have never given a gift to. - Barns take up a good 20% of your field and only hold 4 animals. You also don't start out with much space so this is pretty annoying. - I still have no idea how to get any maker other than the cloth maker. This is annoying because the seed maker is pretty much necessary to win higher rank crop festivals. - If your animal has even ONE more friendship point than it did when you last got produce from it, the next produce you get will take up a new inventory slot. And since you want to keep your milk and eggs for quests and recipes you run out of space fast. - They still haven't added ducks back and angora rabbits now live in the barn with cows and sheep, so now there are 10 types of animals that live in the barn (2 types of cows, 2 types of sheep, 2 types of alpaca, 2 types of rabbits, llamas, and buffalo) while there are only 3 types of animals that live in the coop (2 types of chickens and quails) which is kind of dumb if you ask me. There was really no reason to stop having ducks in the games and rabbits don't belong in a barn with huge animals that could step on them. They could also have the silkworms from Animal Parade come back, that was cool! Sure, irl you have to kill the worms to get the silk cocoons, but also irl you can only milk cows that have given birth recently and you only shear sheep once a year. - Wayne gave me a red spider lily for flower day. You know those represent death and giving me one means you want us to never see eachother again, right? Fuck Wayne.

[roanne543fortnite-blog]

Fortnite Clay Pigeons Neat ten Greatest Cell Apps For Just click here Button Vector

How Fortnite Captured Teens’ Hearts and Minds

The fad to the third-man or woman shooter recreation has factors of Beatlemania, the opioid disaster, and feeding on Tide Pods.

How to Get V Bucks Without Paying

It was having late in Tomato City. The storm was closing in, and meteors pelted the bottom. Gizzard Lizard experienced produced his way there after plundering the sparsely populated barns and domiciles of Anarchy Acres, then by keeping away from the Wailing Woods and preserving the storm just off to his left. He spied an enemy combatant on large ground, who appeared to have a sniper’s rifle. Inside of a hollow underneath the sniper’s perch was an deserted pizzeria, with an enormous rotating sign up the shape of a tomato. Gizzard Lizard, who experienced immediately crafted himself a redoubt of salvaged beams, reported, “I think I’m about to assault. That’s one of my main difficulties: I need to start being far more aggressive.” He ran out in to the open up, pausing ahead of a thick shrub. “This is really an extremely great bush. I could bush-camp. But naw, that’s what noobs do.”

Two Males enter, one particular man leaves: the fighters closed in on each other. In the online video video game Fortnite Fight Royale, the late-recreation section is often one of the most frenetic and remarkable. All of a sudden, the sniper released himself into a close-by discipline and began attacking. Gizzard Lizard unexpectedly threw up another port-a-fort, amid a hail of enemy hearth. The goal is always to obtain, or make, the superior floor.

A minute later on, Gizzard Lizard was lifeless—killed by a grenade. Afterward, he replayed the ending, from many vantages, to analyze what had gone Improper. For being so near successful and still appear up shorter—it was discouraging and tantalizing. 1 wants to go again. The urge is powerful. But it had been time for my son to do his homework.

I used more time as a kid than I care to remember looking at other Little ones play video video games. Room Invaders, Asteroids, Pac-Guy, Donkey Kong. Typically, my friends, in excess of my objections, chosen this to enjoying ball—or to other well-known, if significantly less edifying, community pursuits, such as tearing hood ornaments off parked cars. Each individual so generally, I performed, much too, but I had been a spaz. Insert quarter, video game over. Once gaming moved into dorms and apartments—Nintendo, Sega—I realized that I could just depart. But sometimes I didn’t. I admired the feat of divided focus, the knack that some fellas (and it was always fellas) looked as if it would have for being alive, both equally in the game and within the battle of wits about the sofa, as if they were being the two actively playing a sport and doing “SportsCenter” at the same time.

I thought of this one other day when a buddy explained viewing a group of eighth-quality girls and boys (among the them his son) hanging all-around his apartment participating in, but mainly observing Some others Engage in, Fortnite. A single boy was enjoying on a considerable Television set screen, that has a PlayStation four console. The opposite boys were being on their own phones, possibly enjoying or observing an expert gamer’s Are living stream. And the girls ended up enjoying or seeing by themselves phones, or hunting in excess of the shoulders of the boys. On the list of women informed my Mate, “It’s pleasurable to begin to see the boys get mad when they lose.” Not a soul stated Considerably. What patter there was—l’esprit du divan—came from the kids’ little screens, in the form of the pro gamer’s mordant narration as he vanquished his opponents.

Fortnite, for anybody not a teenager-ager or even a dad or mum or educator of teenagers, may be the third-particular person shooter match which has taken in excess of the hearts and minds—and the time, both of those discretionary and otherwise—of adolescent and collegiate The us. Produced last September, it is actually at the moment by many actions the preferred video sport in the world. From time to time, there are greater than a few million men and women participating in it directly. It has been downloaded an estimated sixty million moments. (The sport, available on Laptop, Mac, Xbox, PS4, and mobile units, is—crucially—free, but a lot of players pay for additional, cosmetic attributes, which include costumes called “skins.”) Regarding fervor, compulsive behavior, and parental noncomprehension, the Fortnite trend has things of Beatlemania, the opioid crisis, and the ingestion of Tide Pods. Parents converse of it as an dependancy and swap tales of plunging grades and brazen screen-time abuse: beneath the desk at school, in a memorial service, in the lavatory at four A.M. They beg each other for alternatives. A buddy sent me a online video he’d taken one particular afternoon when endeavoring to stop his son from actively playing; there was a time when regularly contacting 1’s father a fucking asshole would've brought about significant hassle in Tomato Town. In our house, the massive risk is gamer rehab in South Korea.

Sport fads arrive and go: Rubik’s Dice, Dungeons & Dragons, Angry Birds, Minecraft, Clash of Clans, Pokémon Go. What persons seem to concur on, whether or not they’re seasoned avid gamers or dorky dads, is the fact that there’s one thing new emerging about Fortnite, a sort of mass social gathering, open up to the Substantially broader array of folks when compared to the video games that arrived right before. Its relative not enough wickedness—it is apparently largely freed from the misogyny and racism that afflict a number of other online games and gaming communities—can make it more palatable to a broader audience, and this appeal equally ameliorates and augments its addictive electric power. (The sport, in its standard mode, randomly assigns players’ skins, that may be of any gender or race.) Prevalent anecdotal evidence suggests that women are playing in extensive quantities, the two with and with no boys. There are actually, and probably ever shall be, some gamer geeks who gripe at these types of newcomers, equally as they gripe when there isn't any newcomers at all.

A colleague whose 13-year-outdated son is deep down the rabbit hole likened the Fortnite phenomenon for the Pump Residence Gang, the crew of ne’er-do-well teenager surfers in La Jolla whom Tom Wolfe happened upon inside the early nineteen-sixties. Instead of a clubhouse over the beach, there’s a Digital world wide juvenile hall, where Youngsters Acquire, invent an argot, adopt alter egos, and shoot one another down. Wolfe’s Pump Residence Children went on beer-soaked outings they called “destructos,” in which they might, at area farmers’ behest, demolish deserted barns. Now it’s Juul-sneaking small homebodies demolishing Digital partitions and houses with imaginary pickaxes. Children everywhere are swinging absent at their entire world, tearing it down to outlive—creative destruction, of a kind.

Shall I reveal the game? I must, I’m scared, Despite the fact that describing movie game titles is just a little like recounting desires. A hundred gamers are dropped on to an island—from a flying college bus—and struggle one another to the Loss of life. The winner is the last one standing. (You could pair up or type a squad, much too.) This is certainly what is meant by Struggle Royale. (The initial Model of Fortnite, introduced past July, for forty dollars, wasn’t battle on the Demise; it is the new iteration which includes caught fire.) A storm encroaches, little by little forcing combatants into an ever-shrinking region, in which they need to destroy or be killed. Alongside the way, you look for out caches of weapons, armor, and healables, even though also gathering developing resources Additional reading by breaking down current constructions. Hasty fabrication (of ramps, forts, and towers) is A necessary element of the sport, which is why it is often called a cross between Minecraft plus the Hunger Game titles—and why aggrieved mother and father have the ability to explain to themselves that it's constructive.

Right before a sport commences, you wander around inside a style of purgatorial bus depot-cum-airfield waiting until eventually the subsequent hundred have assembled for an airdrop. This is a Odd position. Players shoot inconsequentially at one another and pull dance moves, like actors walking aimlessly about backstage practising their traces. Then appear the airlift along with the drifting descent, by means of glider, into the battleground, with a mild whooshing audio that's to your Fortnite addict just what the flick of the Bic is usually to a smoker. You could land in a single of 20-a person places to the island, Each individual using a cutesy alliterative title, some suggestive of mid-century gay bars: Shifty Shafts, Moisty Mire, Lonely Lodge, Greasy Grove. In patois and in temper, the sport manages to become both dystopian and comedian, dim and lightweight. It might be alarming, in case you’re not accustomed to this sort of points or are attuned into the information, to hear your darlings shouting so merrily about head pictures and snipes. But there’s no blood or gore. The violence is cartoonish, at least relative to, say, Halo or Grand Theft Vehicle. These types of will be the consolations.

The island alone has an air of desertion although not of extreme despair. This apocalypse is rated PG. The abandonment, precipitated from the storm, which has both killed or scattered most of the planet’s inhabitants, appears to are already current and comparatively fast. The grass is lush, the canopy entire. The hydrangeas are abloom in Snobby Shores. Properties are unencumbered by kudzu or graffiti and also have tidy, sparsely furnished rooms, as if the inhabitants experienced only just fled (or been vaporized). Evidently, Everybody over the island, in These prosperous pre-storm instances, shopped in a similar aisle at Target. Each time I check out a player enter a bedroom, whether it is in Junk Junction or Loot Lake, I Take note the multicolored blanket folded through the mattress. People cobalt-blue desk lamps: are they available for sale? Maybe sooner or later They are going to be.