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arionawrites · 1 year

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how tf did me facetiming someone i matched with on tinder turn into them giving me unsolicited advice about giving people your full attention after i already let them know that i recently got diagnosed as adhd and it’s hard for me to focus on just one thing/person and then them telling me that “based on my behavior” they think i’m autistic like ?? didn’t ask, we literally started messaging each other like a day ago, even if i am autistic (which wouldn’t be a bad thing if i am) when has it ever been socially acceptable to tell someone you JUST MET that you think they’ve got some kind of mental disorder/illness/disability/etc.

my friends have mentioned that i might be autistic and that’s fine bc i’ve spent a lot of time with them and they actually know me and i take their perspective of me very seriously because they’re the people who see me 100% unfiltered and have known me whenever i’ve been completely unmedicated. i trust their word.

this person from tinder, however, i have sent like maybe 20-30 messages to where we talked about nanowrimo and i was like omg it’d be so cool to meet someone who also writes, whether it’s as friends or as more, i would love that—only for our facetime call to be less than 20 minutes long and for them to try and diagnose me as autistic just because i, after ALREADY TELLING THEM that i have adhd and after them asking about meds and me telling them that i haven’t taken my adhd meds today because i didn’t have work and also i’ve taken multiple naps today which has made my head even more foggy and made it even harder than usual to focus, found it difficult to focus.

like. i wasn’t unresponsive. i wasn’t ignoring them. i was listening and i was responding, i just also was looking between my phone and my laptop screen.

which okay i understand that maybe i’m just frustrated because of the “based on your behavior” comment because an 18 minute facetime call does not give someone enough interaction time to try and fucking diagnose me as anything, and maybe this is more of a we just didn’t vibe and that’s fine, i don’t think they’re like a bad person or anything and if nothing else i’m glad the mismatched vibes were felt before deciding to meet up or anything, but also.

eighteen minutes. literally eighteen minutes and they fucking “based on your behavior i think you’re autistic” and “here’s some advice, when meeting new people you should give them your full attention”

FUCK that.

#idk maybe they’re also autistic and thought it was supposed to be helpful? and again i dont think they’re a bad person #and esp if they are some kind of neurodivergent they might not have realized how that comment could come across #so i’m trying not to take it too personally bc 1. i dont rlly know them 2. they dont rlly know me and 3. it has no heavy impact on my life #but also like idk it just was weird and even if they didnt intend to comment to come across like that #i can still be uncomfortable and upset about it #anyways moving on this is why i barely ever open tinder in the first place lmaooo #aricomplains #also like they probably arent all that wrong to be fair #i know it can come across as rude to not put ur full focus on someone esp someone you’ve just met and that is something i want to work on #it just felt weird that i literally explained i have adhd and its hard to focus and i promised them its nothing personal if i struggle #to focus on them while talking and like AFTER i said that they tried to give me that ‘advice’ like i hadnt already addressed it #idk i understand how my actions might have come across as rude or something but if someone told me they had adhd and struggled to focus #i would immediately know not to take it personally if they’re like fidgeting or on their phone while i talk or smth #which i also get is not something everyone has to do too like no one is required to react the same and #blah i’m overthinking this i need to stop #basically: i understand how my part in the ft call might have come across and i addressed it and tried to focus as much as i could #and if they took my lack of focus as rude i understand why and i also understand my ability to focus on people’s something i need to work on #but also the way they approached it rubbed me wrong and those comments made me uncomfortable and upset #but again i started talking to them yesterday and have no obligation to talk to them again so #take this as a lesson and a reminder of why i need to keep working on my ability to focus on people better when talking to them #and also take this as a reminder as to the kind of people i want to spend time with and thats not people who give passive aggressive advice #or try to diagnose someone they JUST met #and then take those lessons and reminders with me as i move on #ok im done now im gonna unmatch w them on tinder and also maybe just delete tinder entirely bc i barely use it anyway and would rather #try to meet people in more authentic ways #honestly my hope is that now that i’m spending like 3 days a week at the library in between shifts #i might meet another library-going sapphic and that would be VERY lovely 🥰

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arionawrites · 5 years

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and you will think, “this is what matters.”

it won’t be you, your health, your wellbeing. no. what matters will not be you. it never was before, it won’t be now, and that fact will anger you because you know all the logical reasons why you should matter to yourself but you don’t. you just don’t. you cannot think of the words to explain why this is how it is but you will know, deep within yourself, that it’s true.

you will look and you will find something that feels more. you will find a book, a song, a person, a movie, a show, a video game. you will find an object or a word or a quote. you will find something, and you will hold it to your chest, next to the people you love and the things you can’t say goodbye to, and you will say, “this is what matters.” and it will. it will feel like the only thing that matters. nothing else will compare.

this is a lie. everything matters.

(you still don’t, though. not you. never you.)

everything matters and you feel it in your chest, the weight of everything. the weight of all things, all people, all love and all fear. you will feel it. you will feel everything. it will matter.

(you will not.)

there is a lot in everything, though. it will crush you and you will let it because the only thing that isn’t part of everything is you. that should not be true but it is and you are fine with that. so long as you support the everything that you are not, then you’re okay with not being part of everything. it will hurt. you will smile through it.

smiling will make it hurt more. you will smile wider and you will not complain about the pain.

you will not complain.

#ariwrites #aricomplains #sort of #its a bad brain night

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