#it just felt weird that i literally explained i have adhd and its hard to focus and i promised them its nothing personal if i struggle

[arionawrites]

how tf did me facetiming someone i matched with on tinder turn into them giving me unsolicited advice about giving people your full attention after i already let them know that i recently got diagnosed as adhd and it’s hard for me to focus on just one thing/person and then them telling me that “based on my behavior” they think i’m autistic like ?? didn’t ask, we literally started messaging each other like a day ago, even if i am autistic (which wouldn’t be a bad thing if i am) when has it ever been socially acceptable to tell someone you JUST MET that you think they’ve got some kind of mental disorder/illness/disability/etc.

my friends have mentioned that i might be autistic and that’s fine bc i’ve spent a lot of time with them and they actually know me and i take their perspective of me very seriously because they’re the people who see me 100% unfiltered and have known me whenever i’ve been completely unmedicated. i trust their word.

this person from tinder, however, i have sent like maybe 20-30 messages to where we talked about nanowrimo and i was like omg it’d be so cool to meet someone who also writes, whether it’s as friends or as more, i would love that—only for our facetime call to be less than 20 minutes long and for them to try and diagnose me as autistic just because i, after ALREADY TELLING THEM that i have adhd and after them asking about meds and me telling them that i haven’t taken my adhd meds today because i didn’t have work and also i’ve taken multiple naps today which has made my head even more foggy and made it even harder than usual to focus, found it difficult to focus.

like. i wasn’t unresponsive. i wasn’t ignoring them. i was listening and i was responding, i just also was looking between my phone and my laptop screen.

which okay i understand that maybe i’m just frustrated because of the “based on your behavior” comment because an 18 minute facetime call does not give someone enough interaction time to try and fucking diagnose me as anything, and maybe this is more of a we just didn’t vibe and that’s fine, i don’t think they’re like a bad person or anything and if nothing else i’m glad the mismatched vibes were felt before deciding to meet up or anything, but also.

eighteen minutes. literally eighteen minutes and they fucking “based on your behavior i think you’re autistic” and “here’s some advice, when meeting new people you should give them your full attention”

FUCK that.

[neos-schlond-poofa]

MY MCD HEADCANONS FOR THE 9TH ANNIVERSARY

i need to post SOMETHING to celebrate the best minecraft series ever but i dont want to do something too big because next year is TEN YEARS I AM OLD so heres my hcs and most are. just canon in my rewrite WHICH I REALLY NEED TO ORGANIZE ONE DAY. someone should make like a google doc layout template thing for us its a hard world theres so much stuff that needs to be rewritten. anywho.

LORD APHMAU

NOT the reincarnation of Irene. Or literally just Irene.

Instead I based her off of my friend's old theory from 5th grade (as a tribute, also my friend isn't dead it's not like an in memoriam tribute but its a tribute to an amazing idea) that she was a fallen angel. But. She isn't at the same time?

Instead, she's one of Irene's daughters. Kind of. ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN AND I DONT WANNA GO ALL INTO THE LORE HERE BUT THERES "SISTERS" OF HERS TOO AND VYLAD STILL SUMMONED HER.

She doesn't have those markings from rebirth; I like them in fanart, but realistically? Why would some random girl have that? Instead, she has weird scars on her body.

Knows the basics of writing and reading... but REALLY struggles with them still. She literally just spawned on this world. She doesn't know everything.

But her natural tendency to help people is in her blood. Like. Irene's whole purpose of these "daughters" of her were to try to fix her legacy in a way. She still struggles with a lot of things though, and all those changes to the village LIKE WHERE SHE JUST BUILT HUGE THINGS obviously don't happen.

She also didn't have good combat skills until she trained with Garroth. Then Zenix. Then EVERYONE. Her combat skills are a huge melting pot of every single person she's fought against or fought with. Of course, she prefers to just use her sword.

SUPER socially awkward but doesn't even realize it. After all, she doesn't have many things to base her social interactions off of; she just got here. But, she does have manners at least.

Can't cook. AT ALL. This is actually a headcanon based off the WORST FANFIC I EVER READ (I lied it was amazing but I was so shocked by the ending like it's the best fic ever but... it SCARRED me PLEASE read it).

About like. 24 years old.

Bisexual and genderfluid and polyamorous.

Endgame is ultimately Garrancemau, but she DOES have a relationship with Katelyn and Zoey during the series. Those will be expanded upon later.

Never has a romantic relationship with Aaron. Also will be expanded upon later.

Can't tell her lefts from rights (just like me) without using her hands.

Once she found out about her relation to Irene, she just felt TERRIBLE. Like. This super cool Goddess EVERYONE loves was basically her mother and she has to live up to that.

BUT OH IT GETS WORSE WHEN SHE FINDS OUT IRENE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON. Now, she has to struggle with telling the world or not, she has to exist knowing she was just created to be a solution to the problems someone who doesn't even care much about her caused.

Has mild generalized anxiety and ADHD. And. Naturally gets a lot of trauma over the series.

Knows how Joan of Arc felt.

GARROTH RO'MEAVE

Kind of an idiot in a way. Like. SUPER INTELLIGENT. But never thought about changing his first name when hiding in Phoenix Drop... he just always ignored people's questions about his last name.

In his defense, Garroth became a fairly popular first name after his birth. It's like when the royals have children and the names they give them become more popular.

Azura helped him escape to Phoenix Drop; they met when he was allowed to go to knight college or whatever its called I FORGOT GUYS!! And he was not in the same class as Laurance... but there any good knight is literally put on the list of Jury of Nine canidates. Like. It's not that hard to be considered. But to be picked? They do like the biggest background checks EVER and secretly watch you to see your strengths.

Naturally a very father-like figure to those significantly younger than him as a result of caring for his brothers and protecting them from his father. I made a whole post about it before. I'd tag it but I. Don't feel like it.

LEVIN'S FATHER!! DILFROTH IS CANON GUYS. But he doesn't know he's the father until after the timeskip.

He doesn't just wear his helmet to hide his appearance from others; he can't stand his appearance. He's a splitting image of his father, the man he truly hates. He hides all the mirrors in his living quarters, he can't stand it. Aphmau is the one that truly starts helping him love himself.

Although. After the whole incident featuring a betrayal, portal, and missing 15 years, he feels scared that he is turning out evil just like his father. He hates it. It haunts him everyday.

Also. HE WASN'T AWARE OF WHAT HE WAS DOING.

Firstly, I just need to say, I head canon Garroth to have depression. And I spoke about this a bit before, but seeing the two people he loved the most seemingly hide a relationship behind his back, instead of being open and honest with him just hurt. He fell into a depressive episode, like it was terrible. AND ZANE BEING ZANE used that to manipulate Garroth, having Lillian use magicks and potions or whatever to mind control him. He only broke out of it once Lillian died AND LAURANCE USED THE POWER OF LOVE!

He never truly figures out everything that happens until after he escapes from the Irene Dimension.

Speaking of which, he is SUPER injured after he escaped from there. I. Um. Actually don't know the specific injuries I'm giving him but all I know is he becomes a cane user. So like. Obviously something with his back but I need to like really get the logistics down that's just how my mind works with these things.

In love with Aphmau AND Laurance. He's so silly.

Bisexual masculine non-binary he/they autistic king that also suffers from depression, PTSD, and survivor's guilt.

Like most people believe, he has a dad bod. Like obviously he's muscular, but he's also chubby.

Can't cut his own hair since he doesn't look in the mirror. When he first revealed his face to Aphmau, she helped him out with his beard and hair (and almost braided his hair).

Around 26 years old.

A good singer, but only sang for Laurance while he was recovering. It's their small little thing.

LAURANCE ZVHAL

Okay so firstly, I'm not putting any Shadow Knight headcanons. That's too much.

However, as a result of being a Shadow Knight, he has poor temperature regulation. Like. He's very naturally warm, so he overheats a lot, but in the cold, it's the opposite. He's FREEZING and has to layer up a lot.

Has two gay dads. Which... is canon?? WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT THIS. He has Hayden and Joh. They are his gay dads and they raised him. And Cadenza.

Rarely can have a nice, peaceful sleep due to night terrors. He's haunted by the memories of the Nether, and the only times when those thoughts are subdued are when he's sleeping close to Aphmau or Garroth.

Actually the father of Alina. Because it's not Aaron (ew). And he never knows about this. Because he SACRIFICES himself to save Garroth and Aphmau because he loves them, and he doesn't want either of them to hurt or for himself to hurt them due to the calling.

Just to clarify, he and Aphmau did not intend for this by the way. They just had a silly night where they drank a little bit! And then woke up like a rom-com or something and where like "Oh. My. God." LIKE IT SEEMS TO BE SILLY but then it isn't.

Only knows how to crochet a single type of bear plush. Like. NOTHING ELSE.

He had to wash his orange hair like every single day. If he didn't it literally became so greasy and so crusty. And Zoey ended up having to do that while she watched over him. She was so close to just chopping it all off for him.

Garroth was his closest company while he was blind. He often asked Garroth to describe him what he saw in the village.

Once he got cured, he only partially regained his eyesight. He struggles to see a lot, and gets headaches easily. When he goes into Shadow Knight form though, his eyesight gets a lot better; but once he gets out of that form, he experiences so much pain, and his sight goes downhill for a while.

Can braid hair.

Likes to prank his friends a lot through really elaborate scares. SUPER happy once Malachi and Levin started getting involved.

Pansexual and polyamorous and 25 years old.

Sneezes like. Really cutely. Like he has one of those sneezes.

KATELYN

LITERALLY THE MOST MUSCULAR CHARACTER IN THE ENTIRE SHOW. AND TALL.

Her true love was Jeffory. Nothing will ever change that.

When she dated Aphmau, her own grief over Jeffory held back the relationship from blossoming into something more. This applies to all her other relationships as well.

Her anger issues are just simply treated better here. Like. That's all I have to say about that.

Helped care for Aphmau the most (along with Zoey) after Garroth was freed from the Irene Dimension because of how depressed she was over everything. She became really close with Lilith Garnet during this.

Never gets drunk. It's kind of insane. She is wild at taverns and just. Never gets drunk. Her power at that is balanced out with her terrible seasickness.

Doesn't get the appeal of coffee. She hates it, like it tastes so bad to her. She's a tea girlie.

28 years old. But people never guess her age right, like ever. She's eternally youthful despite not having a single skin routine.

Okay this is actually a headcanon and it's based off of a friend I do have in real life. So like yeah I guess in modern times Katelyn is a One Directioner but I guarantee she would be a Deftones fan or something.

okay i planned to do more characters but i literally forgot all mcd characters and my hcs :( SO MAYBE JUST SUGGEST CHARACTERS AND ILL SAY THEM CAUSE THEYRE JUST NOT COMING TO MIND RN also im tired

ANYWAYS HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE SHOW THAT FOREVER CHANGED MY LIFE. without you minecraft diaries, i wouldve never become the insufferable person i am today <3

[mass-convergence]

Let me just say that ever since I’ve gotten my diagnosis I’ve had my eyes open to the ways ADHD has utterly impacted my life. Between the emotional regulation, rejection sensitivity, failure to “reach my potential” (which is slight bullshit because any calculation of potential has to factor in the fact that I have ADHD), my chronic messiness, etc.

But never have I felt like my brain is fundamentally broken until this morning. Not going into too much detail but let’s just say I got a very critical review of some of my performance at some of the more tedious aspects of my job.

And like yeah I know my brain isn’t broken. It’s different, it’s weird, it’s fucking annoying, but it’s not broken. Like 20 years of my life have been steeped in so much deep shame about not being able to function like “everybody else”. That I do actually need someone to keep after me to do shit, not because I’m lazy or don’t know how to take care of myself or need someone to manage my life, but because my brain just grabs onto something for a hot minute and then lets go the moment the novelty wears off. But sometimes you’ve got to keep with the thing. And while I don’t like to just say “yeah it’s my ADHD” because I feel like that’s not really the greatest way to explain it versus stating the actual symptom and some ways people have coped with it, like … it IS my ADHD.

As much as I sometimes wish so hard that my brain just wasn’t like this, that with the right combination of diet and exercise and drugs and a therapist telling me the right things … that suddenly I’ll become neurotypical or some shit … that’s not how this works. I can’t change my brain chemistry or how my brain processes shit. That’s literally just how my brain developed. You can’t change it that’s not how that works. You can cope and you can medicate but you can’t like idk, pray or medicate or talk the ADHD away.

But god damn if it isn’t fucking hard. And like there are articles that say that people with ADHD are a benefit to a workplace and they’re creative, they’re problem solvers, they can be super productive if given the right project… but like … as much as I appreciate that? ADHD can be a fucking shitshow in a workplace as well (granted its workplaces that are not really friendly to ADHD with a neurotypical management staff that doesn’t understand or doesn’t care to make accommodations). And the idea of ADHD in the mainstream is still someone who’s on Ritalin or Adderall who gets distracted by squirrels.

Idk man. It’s just hard and I’m just so fucking tired.

[miss-meri]

I’ve wanted to say this for months. Years? But it’s hard. I can feel myself losing my voice again. Fandom is important to me because in some ways I feel it’s the only way I can really connect with others.

My therapist said something interesting right when we met. After talking about my life and friends and worries, she said, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “Oh, so you’re an extrovert.”

?????

I have been scolded for being too quiet and too private and too scared of speaking to strangers since childhood. An extrovert?

But she’s not… wrong.

I was lonely, weird only child with too much of an intense interest in things no one else was interested in. Meteorology: I watched the weather channel like other people watched cartoons. Books: I read the same ones over and over and over. Star Trek: I sort of lived in space with them and got the nickname “little miss vocabulary” because of all the language I mimicked.

ADHD explains some of this, now. Very intense fixations with zero interest in anything that doesn’t align. And maybe I’m a little on the spectrum too, although I will not seek that diagnosis and don’t score high on the RAADS test.

I feel like most of my childhood was spent searching for someone who cared about things the way I did, and then coming up empty handed.

That’s not to say I was without friends!

I’ve always had friends. Close friends, starting in kindergarten and continuing on, even when I was years younger than everyone else, ahead a grade and getting bullied, even when I was bad at hiding how weird my interests are. That’s really lucky, and I’m grateful.

But having friends did not mean sharing my intense interests with them. They’d let me chatter about it, just like I listened to things I wasn’t interested in (boys mostly later on, this is long before I realized I was ace), but it wasn’t shared, if that make sense?

Fandom and my best friends were the first place I felt that mirrored back. Anime conventions. Writing stories together. Cosplay. Watching The Show and then reading The Fic and then discussing, endlessly. It is the high I’ve chased ever since. All my close relationships are based on it. I met my spouse through cosplay.

I finally had people!! I finally had people who understood what I was trying to say!!! And I understood them too, deep and unambiguous. Fandom is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s driven me around the world, brought me joy and creativity and self-worth and new skills. I love it.

And then, my longest, deepest, and going-on-eight-years-strong hyper fixation: Yuri on Ice.

Holy shit.

Nothing has ever hit so hard. I spent literally years talking about it with other fans, every day creating. I’ve published over 400,000 words of fanfiction and have much more yet-unpublished. Before writing this post I wrote 2k. I think about it constantly and enjoy it for its own sake, as evidenced by how much of it I just don’t post anywhere at all. I love sharing but in the end fic truly is for me.

But the fandom has slowed down, in the natural way things do. It’s no one’s fault. There are plenty of other interesting things to see and read and do. All my precious friends have been moving on, one by one. And we’re still friends, don’t get me wrong! Of course we are. I have spoken with most of them every day for years, and care deeply about their lives outside of fandom.

But what I’m trying to say is I’m an extrovert in a *very specific way*, and now I’m back in that place again. I can’t connect and have it reflected back, I can’t hear something new. There’s no end to it. Have been trying to have some space for grief. I have been getting quieter and quieter, and not feeling a lot to look forward to.

Been playing mobile games to fill the void and just feeling gray. I’m not sad, just. Faded out. It sounds so dramatic that I don’t want to even type all of this out. I want to say there’s no thesis, nothing I’m seeking, no end goal.

But maybe it’s the same as always: I want understanding.

So that’s what’s up.

[justcallmesolll]

I realise why its so embarrassing to talk about being neurodivergant irl.

yeen rambles #1

being on the internet is like walking on a frozen lake. we have to be so extremely careful with everything we do to not be harassed for it. one of these things, is being autistic or having ADHD. (i will mainly focus on autisim as im more familliar with expeiancing it, although i will say its differant for everyone.) people are so quick to accuse others of faking a disorder like autisim, and it gets to the point where people who either have or havent got a diagnosis with autisim are being acussed of faking it. but this behaviour is so much more common irl, where if you try to talk about it, the first thing thats asked is "Wait so do you have a diagnosis?"

now, things are different in Scotland compared to America, and i acknowledge that. the whole process of getting a diagnosis for something like autism is such a laborious process. first, you need to be put on the waiting list, which usually doesn't happen until you reach about year 8 or 9(more often than not, its females. a male's symptoms of autism are easily spotted and caught early on.), where you realise that "hey! actually I'm not normal at all!" and IF you get a meeting with a GP, you list all symptoms, talk about how extremely hard it is for you to literally just function in the world made for neurotypicals.

then you're asked the hardest question, which, will be asked SO many times; "Why do you want a diagnosis?" this is such a hard, excruciating question to ask someone with autism, because we genuinely don't know how to answer. Because I need it? I know that sounds weird, but I do. I need a diagnosis to feel whole if that makes sense. the reassurance that I'm not a weird, lazy, dysfunctional human being would be nice. to know that there's a reason why its so hard to simply live. to prove anyone who denies me wrong? its hard to explain and it makes you feel like a rabbit caught in a snare. if, AND ONLY IF, you somehow manage to get onto the waiting list, you're looking at about an average of two-three years until you get an appointment. another thing they'll say to you is "There's no cure for it you know." I'm so fucking aware of that. more aware than anybody around me at all fucking times. you think I'm going through this entire process for fun?? Those people are almost ALWAYS fucking neurotypical or speak to you like a five year old.

but that's why I don't have a fucking diagnosis. what the fuck does it matter to you anyway??? I don't see how me having or not having autism affects you? i know neurotypicals find it hard to grasp what it's like to be autistic. because it sounds unreal. it IS fucking unreal. but if you're autistic, you are VERY aware of it. even if you don't know what autism is. you assume that everyone went though what you did as a small child. THEY FUCKING DIDNT. you are just different. that's how it is, and that's how it always will be. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. the way I act or speak, it's not the same as everybody else. i tried talking about it, "Everybody feels that way." yes. they do. but the thing is, it's (Mostly) never true yea? with autism you're aware that you are speaking in a very unnatural manner, you are aware of the stares you receive as you speak, of the brief, unnatural silence after you finish talking. Because it's happening. it's not in your head. its real. and happening right now. but neurotypicals straight up just refuse to believe this. at least from my experience. they insist that I'm overreacting, or overanalysing it. but I'm fucking not. its happening right in front of me, broad as day.

you're constantly justifying your own experiences. trying to make them understand, until you realize, Why am I trying to convince this person? that sounds like something somebody who is trying to fake it would do. you start second guessing yourself, Maybe I am over exaggerating. I read that person wrong, or that didn't actually happen. you become that opposing side in your own head as you grow up. no-one else needed. and so, you get the feeling that everyone, along with yourself, is constantly doubting your claims. Which isn't good at all. if I don't have autism then who am i? i clearly dont know myself well enough, am i sure i'm even who i want to be? even writing that last part there, i thought to myself; Don't be so dramatic! it's not that big a deal. but it is. it so is.

Shit as it is, if there was a cure for autism, I wouldn't want it. it makes me who I am, and as fucking annoying as it is I wouldn't change it. I just kind of wish more people would understand it, or at least accept it, rather than deny it.

TLDR; it feels like most ppl including urself dont belive you which is shit, but its not at the same time idk man its confusing.

[hiddenreflections]

You know, ive been with manipulative people before, but most of them could be reasoned and argued with better than he couldve been. Cause they were aware theyre lying and manipulating. You could point it out to them and theyd admit defeat.

He was not that self-aware.

Its weird. I wonder when that changed.

Like he did struggle with this at the start of our relationship, then when I explained to him that me pointing out stuff that has hurt me, or making my boundaries clearer is smth I do because I want this relationship to function and ultimately cuz I love him

then he could handle criticism, then he could handle fights, discussions and change and was actually often very insightful, accepting, empathetic - growth-positive, a very wonderful person even id say -

but then the last few years?

Every critisism was an insult in his eyes, a disrespect maybe, and when he accepted smth I said he told me I had only bullied him into this admission later and tried to take it back.

He tried to tell me he only touched me without my permission (non-sexually) cause he has adhd, even if he had no issue respecting this boundaries ..... for 7 years long? Always knew I have ptsd and cant be touched without permission a lot of the time? Then this issue also went on for several months or smth, where he again and again wud tell me its not his fault and its his adhd and then hed tell me his parents never respected his boundaries eithers and he never learned how to respect peoples boundaries therefore, again he had done it just fine 7 years long.

And each time I got angrier and called him on his bullshit he would clock me as disrespectful and paranoid.

Hed self-victimise as a manipulation strategy as well, he would a) apologise for crossing the line, b) do it again the next day c) if told that I am worried I might accidentally hit him if he startles me again - cuz several of these times hes touched me out of nowhere in ways that ALWAYS triggered me and set off flashbacks for me, made me hide in my room and cry sometimes, which he all knew abt yknow, I would like instinctively push him away, shove him very hard, one time I *ellbowed* him really brutally and it rlly hurt him - and all of it was just instict to being startled cuz hed for example try to hug me from behind when I didnt even see or notice him, which was hell for me.

but anyways, when right after I told him "please dont do this im so worried abt accidentally hurting u" hed look at me and wud say "No I wud deserve you hitting me for this, I wouldnt even mind it" and then the situation wud reverse, then id be babying him for the next 10 minutes cuz id be so worried abt his ass thinking that would be "ok" for him to go thru.

I didnt see it as manipulative, I just saw it as like oh no :( I dont get why he wont stop doing this cuz it clearly has to be intentional but :( this makes me feel so bad for him :( now I have to take care of him :( he just disrespected me and im rlly triggered and feel shit rn, but now I have to reassure him of how hed never ever deserve smth like that happening, never, never, never.

I dunno I just dunno man.

I still find my theory of that was drove his behaviour was entitlement and loneliness maybe very very valid and probably close to the truth, cuz he was paying for mostly everything, right, and I was fairly avoidant of him - which he ofc ALWAYS made worse with his own behaviour, so idk maybe he just felt hes owed that closeness to me, even if it triggers me, even it it causes me flashbacks, even if it makes me cry, even if I instantly reject it, even if I ellbow him instinctively. Dunno how a person couldve kept doing the same behaviour for months otherwise.

Even when I told him I am literally scared to come out of my room at this fucking point to see him in the hallway or kitchen cuz I feel so attackable cuz of his actions and am now in a constant state of hyperivigilance as soon as he comes home, he didnt *stop*

and hed always tell me its his adhd its his adhd its his adhd, and its cuz he never learned proper boundaries and truly his trauma nd his parents are at fault.

Id even outright in our convos tell him "youre very obviously gaslighting me rn"

and hed go and and on and on

and somehow I am the cunt for not trusting him or what he says or does and being distrustful towards him, like he didnt fucking lie to me for months, probably even refused to admit to himself.

like bro I get I make u sad if I dont cuddle u enough but that doesnt give you the fucking right to trigger me into a constant state of hypervigilance for months and cause me countless flashbacks and moments of triggering :)

Idk.

Like the wyld thing is, he himself does not have a self-concept of being manipulative, at all. hes not aware.

to me even looking back to it, it feels like he believes his own excuses and lies.

I dunno.

but yeah,

my boundaries being disrespected for months MIGHT kill any love I feel for someone. maybe.