#idk i understand how my actions might have come across as rude or something but if someone told me they had adhd and struggled to focus

[arionawrites]

how tf did me facetiming someone i matched with on tinder turn into them giving me unsolicited advice about giving people your full attention after i already let them know that i recently got diagnosed as adhd and it’s hard for me to focus on just one thing/person and then them telling me that “based on my behavior” they think i’m autistic like ?? didn’t ask, we literally started messaging each other like a day ago, even if i am autistic (which wouldn’t be a bad thing if i am) when has it ever been socially acceptable to tell someone you JUST MET that you think they’ve got some kind of mental disorder/illness/disability/etc.

my friends have mentioned that i might be autistic and that’s fine bc i’ve spent a lot of time with them and they actually know me and i take their perspective of me very seriously because they’re the people who see me 100% unfiltered and have known me whenever i’ve been completely unmedicated. i trust their word.

this person from tinder, however, i have sent like maybe 20-30 messages to where we talked about nanowrimo and i was like omg it’d be so cool to meet someone who also writes, whether it’s as friends or as more, i would love that—only for our facetime call to be less than 20 minutes long and for them to try and diagnose me as autistic just because i, after ALREADY TELLING THEM that i have adhd and after them asking about meds and me telling them that i haven’t taken my adhd meds today because i didn’t have work and also i’ve taken multiple naps today which has made my head even more foggy and made it even harder than usual to focus, found it difficult to focus.

like. i wasn’t unresponsive. i wasn’t ignoring them. i was listening and i was responding, i just also was looking between my phone and my laptop screen.

which okay i understand that maybe i’m just frustrated because of the “based on your behavior” comment because an 18 minute facetime call does not give someone enough interaction time to try and fucking diagnose me as anything, and maybe this is more of a we just didn’t vibe and that’s fine, i don’t think they’re like a bad person or anything and if nothing else i’m glad the mismatched vibes were felt before deciding to meet up or anything, but also.

eighteen minutes. literally eighteen minutes and they fucking “based on your behavior i think you’re autistic” and “here’s some advice, when meeting new people you should give them your full attention”

FUCK that.

[james-vi-stan-blog]

why do I feel like the previous anon was a dig at me for asking questions about the kind of people James and George were😃I could be wrong though.

my only thing about why I’m hoping all of them in the show will show their flaws or how much of a bad person they can be is because I know it’ll be so much easier for people to understand or even sympathize with George simply because Nicholas is playing him. I’ve probably mentioned this before but I fully believe it has something to do with looks.

Nicholas is incredibly attractive so a lot of people feel more inclined or gravitate towards his character to feel sympathy, maybe defend, or ‘babygirl’ George even through problematic issues he’s had (that might be in the show but idk what they’ll include) but compared to Tony portraying James? I don’t think he’s going to get that same energy or thought process because his character might be criticized more simply because some people don’t find Tony/James attractive. I’ve seen this happen many times and it’s just odd people haven’t picked up on that.

I’m not saying people aren’t allowed to make up their own opinions about how they perceive the the characters or force my opinions onto others. I honestly can say that I feel sympathy for George and James (even Mary) but I think a lot of people aren’t going to realize how much looks would come into play when their formulating their opinions about the characters.

I’m sorry if I’m not making any sense, I have a hard time writing my thoughts! also I’m not trying to start anything so I hope this doesn’t come across as rude or anything😭

-✨

I don't think asking "good or bad" type questions is necessarily pointless… after all, people do have vices and virtues, and they can make good, bad, or downright evil decisions. I think we can even evaluate relative badness to some extent (like the 5th Earl of Bothwell, there's a phenomenally shitty person). Rather, it's a binary vision of good and bad guys that's toxic for the study of history. I think it's also limiting for media. If you (general you, not you, ✨) are going into Mary & George just looking to be entertained, there's no need to have several essays cited that George Villiers Is A Good Person™ Actually before you've even sat down. Not every story is meant to be didactical. What is about to unfold in front of you could be a villain's tale, some complex shade of tragedy, etc.

But to the main thrust of your ask, honestly… I too worry about this. The halo effect and lookism are well-documented phenomena (known and understood even in the period itself… I mean… why was short, stuttering, shy Baby Charles so invested in his iconography, but to depict himself as strong, masculine, handsome, and therefore virtuous and deserving to rule!!!) and also applies to media depictions of historical figures. It's totally a real thing that when a historical figure gets played by a popular actor, people will tend to be softer on that character, not even purely due to "beauty = goodness", but also because the pleasure of the visual spectacle inclines us to excuse what we're seeing. (Actually, even outside the appearance of the actors, people tend enormously to excuse the actions of a protagonist. It's just sort of an effect of the medium.)

That said, I believe the vast majority of people who say "I support George's rights and George's wrongs!" are just being silly and having fun and are perfectly capable of rationally judging what they're watching. You guys are great, please have a great time, tell your friends about the show so that more people learn about James VI and the Villiers family!!

But yeah, rarely there's… I don't go on Shitter but saw a screenshot of someone saying they hoped Somerset/Buckingham would be the main ship because Laurie Davidson is hotter and they don't want to watch an "ugly" (??) "old man fuck" and that just disheartened and disgusted me. You know, gayness doesn't exist to be hot and entertaining. Queer stories serve more purposes than fetish fuel for oglers. And this story is about real people who actually existed…

Also, I've got thoughts about people who think it's wrong and disgusting for James to have fallen in love with handsome George Villiers but also vociferously and openly thirst over Nicholas Galitzine and want to see him naked in queer roles. 😑

Anyway I'm happy to see these figures in almost any interpretation but I really hope George Villiers will be allowed to be magnificently terrible because… c'mon… it's George Villiers. The icon. The legend. The Duke of Buckingham himself. I feel like watering down his character would be cheating him of the glory he's due.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

(sent through here in case you don’t answer notes. replies? idk, i’m new to tumblr. feel free to disregard if you do reply to those.)

Are you willing to engage in a convo/elaborate on disliking Taehyung? I can see that you already have somewhere, but I’m new here so I can’t find that. All that I have gleaned is that his actions have bothered you somehow? To be honest, I would like to critique one of your posts by saying that I think you saying “I don’t have the energy for him, I’m trying to be nice” is, like, harmful? Rude? Maybe a bit weird? Yes, I am Taehyung-biased, but I would still be saying this if you said that to Jimin or Minho or, idk, Harry Styles. I just think it’s an unnecessarily mean and even threatening thing to say to someone without being a bit more upfront about your reasoning. I think it would be helpful to link those old posts you made, though I get that that’s not possible for every ask. Anyway, I guess I’ve become the Taehyung-likers in your inbox (or whatever this thing is called) that you don’t have energy for lol, but I genuinely would like to know your reasoning. Thanks for all the other posts, too, your queer Bangtan analyses are very cool and awesome.

Hey @raspberrytaegi

I saw you sent this same message in the comments. I decided to answer here because it's easier to write. This was during my break, so now I finally decided to actually answer your questions.

In a way, I understand where you're coming from, specifically because it appears that you only recently opened up your blog and you somehow stumbled on to mine and you happened to see me dismissing something that was Tae-related. Now, there was a context to that. Some of it is obvious from my blog, other stuff was more personal in a way. This is not me justifying myself because as you will see in what I will explain down the line, I don't think it's necessary for me to do so.

Me saying I don't have the energy for him was right before I went on a break and put the blog on hold. My initial plan was to wait until right before Christmas, but I just had had enough of anything BTS and the 90 percent of asks that were piling up in my inbox. If I came across as rude in that ask, I was just the same in the other ones I responded during those days because I simply didn't have the patience anymore for nonsense. So, there was that.

For anyone who has been following me for a while, they sort of know what my stance is in regards to Tae and I've never been shy about it. I can't link all my posts about him because it would take too much work and time that I do not have. I also wish my tagging system would be more consistent, but if you are interested, you can check the "tae", "taehyung" "V" tags on my blog and you could probably find some more. And what you will find is that indeed, I'm not a fan of him. But I also don't subscribe to this idiotic mentality of what this fandom would call anti, hater or whatever else label is out there. Which means, I don't have a hate boner for him. I may be biased and that influences the way I perceive him, but I'm also not going to drag him for the sake of it. I had anons saying his friendship with the Wooga squad is fake and just for the show they made which was something that I did not agree. I sort of live posted during the Grammy awards last year and 80 percent of my posts was me enjoying Tae doing his thing. His first trip to Paris was on my radar as well and in a good way. I also talked about the "dating scandal" back in September and how the fans are being shitty towards the entire thing (in way more words anyway. If that is of interest to you, I tagged it under the ship name).

At the same time, I'm not a fan of his behavior. I think he can be shady some times and this is something that would get me stoned on twitter. He can come across as rude and spoiled and that's something that personally doesn't work for me. I also don't expect everyone to agree. Some things that I don't like might be the same reason why others are his fans. They like how Tae is more serious and quiet, I see it as unwilligness to be professional (in some group video messages and even Run BTS episodes. Everyone can have a difficult day and not be in the mood at all, but it's a job where they play games. That's it. And it's not a one time occurence. If it was that case, I probably wouldn't have noticed).

I don't understand his tendency to lie. Especially when there's intention (or it comes across as that). This is a behavior that is seen by his fans as Tae just being himself, he's cool like that. Fine. But not to me. He posts a fake tattoo just because, he says he's having a collab for a Christmas song but that didn't happen and it came out of the blue, and so on.

I don't hate the guy, I just don't vibe with him at all and he's the type of person that I can't be a fan of. That's it. It's not a crime. And I'm also not going to judge you for coming to my inbox and wanting to understand why I think that way because you're Tae biased. I get it. I also don't get some of the opinions written about Jimin and Jungkook so I understand your position.

I also don't mind the passive agressiveness in your ask about me not having the energy for a Tae-biased fan. I "judge" my anons mostly on how they choose to express themselves and the willingness to understand different point of views, not based on who they stan. If someone is at least mostly reasonable (which you were), we can have a conversation.

Lastly, I saw that you liked some of my other posts, thank you! Seeing that you didn't immediately sent me a hate post and being able to see beyond an dismissive answer to an ask I answered played a big part in me being open now in having this conversation.

[beann-e]

um wow , idk what to say i’m a bit flustered but i hope i say it right. I was only gone for a couple of days and this is what I come back to. 😮 Tysm guys I love you all thank you for taking the time out of your scrolls to even follow me >:’) So, I decided to follow through on my haikyu x police force idea and here it is a sneak peek! I hope you enjoy !

May 1 , 2021

-recording take one

" I am under oath to tell you that everything being said here today will be used to further the investigation against yourself. That being said If you choose to answer a question or provide a statement I will have no choice but to write it down to be processed and turned into someone of higher authority than me is that clear "

" i'd say that's a bit — well stupid to me saying yes when your the highest fish on the food chain no? "

" what else can I say except lucky you that everything you say won't be passed around and relayed much less having your words twisted by those listening "

" cute "

" i'd say same goes to you if you weren't chained up in front of me right now — I might've just asked you out on a date "

" i'm free friday at 10 — though it's in the morning so I pose the question— Would you like to sneak me from my court case baby I promise i’ll make it up to you "

" mm i'll think about it seeing as though i'm the one escorting you to your new cell anyways we might just have to have a uh a talk inside hmm"

" what no balls ? "

" sadly none —or at least physically seeing as though i'm a woman "

" I never would've guessed if it wasn't for the way that suit hugs your curves — your pretty full out huh you must be fun "

" i've gotten that before though people tend to say i’m a bit more fun elsewhere "

" aw you wound me you didn’t tell me I had competition babe “

" of course not your first in line in my eyes, it sucks that the ring on my finger says differently though "

" isn't that sweet I might just have to take you up on your offer "

" oh? didn't think you'd be so excited ,much less interested on being the first one on my list to be put in jail but, I guess i'll try my best to speed your trial up for you if that's what you want "

The rooms silence was heavy as the camera panned the room. Your fingers silently being clawed into the table as it drained all your anger from you.

Your shoe tapping against the floor with a slight grimace appearing on your face when you heard the buttons on the camera in front of you being pressed.

" what no slick comment ? " A heartfelt laugh moved to fill the once silent room as you watched small hands wrap around the camera and fix it to where it showed nothing but your upset face—fingertips slamming down one by one on the table

" don't you have a fucking job to do glasses "

" aw what happened no more flirty y/n ? "

"your an asshole— I don’t know why I expected much in the first place seeing as though you were trained under him "

" such a foul mouth — you do know this is going on your transcripts right ? " the eyes in front of you narrowing on you the voice only coming out in mock care for your situation " you wouldn't want the jury — much less the judge reading this when their deciding your sentence right ? "

Your fingers glided over the table and into a fist in front of you as your head went to look down at the table

" you've grown submissive so fast "

" I find it hard to believe you don't like that kind of thing fucking pervert "

" aw you wound me — but if I had to supply you with an answer to your question— I can imagine your dying to know since you've been flirting with a married woman this whole time "

" married? "

" I know your observant y/n you have to be " the next words making you breathe heavily " I mean the way you noticed your s/o was cheating before they could even notice themselves is just wow"

The click of the door being heard as a deep voice made its way in the room " Kiyoko your not allowed in here "

" I have just as much right to be in here as anyone else — "

" but I could’ve sworn I just said you don't — so again why the hell are you in here ? "

The room turning cold with the woman in front of you straightening herself up not wanting to go back and forth with the male in front of her but, at the same time not wanting to come across as small, being seen as a woman down here was hard much less having your own husband be relatively close to the one in charge " I came down here to test out inmate 4890 psyche"

" did anyone give you that kind of permission? that kind of clearance ? to even get down here in the first place ? "

" I mean their hidden underground so i'd say their the main event down here "

" you can't just come down here to see it whenever you see fit "

" but I was interested in the way it's mind works "

" what the hell am I an attraction at sea world? "

" your whatever the fuck I want you to be " your once strong eyes were met with brown ones that held your gaze almost testing you— daring you.

You seeing the hate swirl with annoyance meeting to radiate off of him. His face made up in a snarl as he finally turned his whole body to you.

Arms crossed across his chest eyes now lazily focused on you causing a chill to move through your spine. Youd never wanted to grow submissive to anyone and you never had not in all your years of living so why were you now?

Kiyokos eyes moving from between you to the male in front of her and back. Her body already telling you she knew something was off by the way you'd just been playful with her until you felt the energy shift by someone elses approach showing how easily your personality could changed.

Something was off and she was interested

" if necessary I can always stay and play mediato— "

" your ok " he smiled widely " we're fine together — down here "

your body shifted in the seat wrists being pulled back and down to the table by the chain in front of you when you heard his claim.

" y/n ' s good with that — their fine ive known them a long time I can speak for them — we’ve done this before countless times this isn't their first crime maybe one of this stature yes but "

" mhmm " the woman in front of you shook her head lightly before leaving the room your heart clenching tightly when you heard the door click closed

" I just wanna do my job and then i'll get out ok y/n " the fake sympathy in his voice shining through as he put down his clipboard on the table before standing behind the chair at the table across from you

" god " his voice was heavy as he spoke " it's like you get hotter and hotter everytime we see each other " his body moving around the small rectangular table " it's such a shame "

Your body tensing when you felt him nearing you only to keep going past you.

Body letting out a breath you didn't even know you were holding only to restore another one when you heard the click of the camera turning off and powering down.

Your eyes darting around the room to watch him out of the corner of them reaching up to turn off the corner camera that showed the police force what was happening in the room

Not that they would care seeing as though he was chief he could do anything he wanted to you and not have to tell anyone in his unit. It didn't help that you were a world renowned criminal now you'd fully fucked this up for yourself

" crazy how your fucked yourself over " his words only confirming the thought in your head " you were only into petty crimes before so I could barely get my hands on you i'd always have to pass you over to everyone else because no one of my status ever needed to intervene — though I would've loved to— just to feel the way your face would drop anytime I entered the room or to even feel the shift in your attitude like I felt earlier— holy fuck is that powerful and now look at you "

He laughed at your body that sat slumped in your chair trying to cover your face with the cuffs on the table " pathetically sitting in a room bawling your eyes out in front of me "

His words only feeling closer now as his breath hit your ear.

Heat from his mouth moving to your neck instantly causing you to scoot away only for him to grab the back of your neck " have you no respect for yourself "

You gritted your teeth together at his hold on you " I said have you no respect for yourself "

You bit at your lip trying to decide what to say you always wanted to spit a comeback at the male but right now was definitely not the time with his heavy hand on your neck moving slowly into your hair to grip tighter

"ah every single time we do this — it's almost even more pathetic than the droplets I keep seeing falling and landing on my perfect fucking table that I bought with company’s money— fuck their gonna cut my paycheck "

His hand tightening as he spoke again " one more time asshole " his voice held all the rudeness to it " have you no respect for yourself "

" y-"

The action was quick as he slammed your head hard into the table in front of you. your vision blurring before he sighed blood dripping from your forehead and leaking out of your nose onto your lips as it trembled slightly

" ugh I hate when this happens with you —- you always bleed so fucking easily " he huffed " I ask you something you answer learn something about respect for once in your life and maybe you'll take better care of yourself "

He scoffed " your so fucking pretty and yet you do things like this — you slut yourself out in my business and then turn around and get arrested god your such a fucking ditz "

your head being brought to meet the table once again as you whimpered tears mixing with your blood brain muddied and shut down by his actions

" i'm so tired — so so tired of sweeping everything you do under the rug— I mean you act like I can’t fucking see you y/n i run the whole fucking thing I don’t— I don’t understand you your just fucking stupid so so so stupid it just blinds me and throws me for a loop sometimes "

His voice was low almost as if he only wanted you to feel the weight of his words " and then you never even say fucking sorry " he pushed your head down again " i'm the fucking cleanup crew ,, the shitty bodyguard when you drag yourself in some mess ,, the contact list when you need a plug ,, the boss when you need a job i'm fucking tired y/n "

" I know I know and i'm— im so sorry really please i'm sorry "

you braced yourself for another push as he backed away the heavy hand leaving your neck as he peered down at your head that was still hovering over the table

" what the fuck do you want another bash ?What are you doing "

" no — no please no”

" then bring your head up — god you seriously take your role on as the youngest dont you " he sighed as he moved his hands to pinch at the bridge of his nose. Your eyes darting to the camera kiyoko left and feeling hope enter your body thinking of how she would see the whole scene that’s played out with the male in front of you

" your not staying here "

" what—what "

" you can't — I dont want you here— i’m outta this your not my responsibility anymore your 19 now so I don’t know what to say except get it to fucking gether — you stay here your never gonna go to jail you'd just stay in a confined room for moths — fuck i’m always getting dragged in this shit "

" how — what do I do — what am I gonna do "

" the hell do you mean ? what am I gonna do ? as if the shits not obvious your gonna do fucking nothing while everyone else does all the work for you again "

your voice grew quiet as he scoffed " that's what I thought god — one day i'm gonna get fired "

your eyes darted to the camera and back down " for what exactly "

his eyebrows creased as he stared at you eyes moving all around your face before he spoke ignoring your question " you got yourself in some real bad shit this time y/n "

" but it wasn't even my fau— "

" you don't say shit — you know it wasn't suppose to go down like that and when one goes down we go down together you swore it— that’s how you got our trust don’t fuck yourself over again or you’ll be down in hell by yourself "

" like what ? "

" don't fuck with me y/n "

he moved to grab his clipboard your body lifting when he walked off and forgot about the camera only to drop the clipboard to the floor with a loud clang and start using his shoe to tear the papers apart

" wh-what are you doing " your voice came out soft as your eyebrows creased

His body moving over to the table and throwing the camera youd just put all your hope into someone seeing what you went through being thrown to the ground and stepped on harshly with the heel of his shoes.

Though it wasn't broken broken it was unsalvageable and couldn't be fixed your eyes going wide unable to process anything before he walked to the door and opened it his hand coming up to cup around his mouth

" THEIR ATTACKING " he screamed your body trembling at the way the table shook along with it " calling all units anyone in the vicinity the inmate I am locked up with is having a tantrum of some kind and I do not think I can handle it alone "

Your heart broke as you watched the male in front of you turn back to look at you holding nothing but hate in his eyes " I ask that you help me remove the inmate and get them out of our station immediately "

Several people running in cleaning up the scene and taking pictures before someone uncuffed you and dragged you towards the tall male by the door.

" Chief where do you want em "

" I want em on the next bus to tokyo "

Your head swirling " wh— "

" everyone exit while I talk to the inmate quickly alerting them of their next adventure " everyone moving silently to follow his demands his eyes going directly to yours as everyone raced down the hallway and away from you two

" your going to tokyo — I can't fucking do this — "

" but what would I do there's no one "

" go see bokutou — at this point you've pissed me off I can't do much else for you just — go ask for a new life really " his voice came out in a short laugh at his ending words

" boku— "

" y/n I said i'm pissed off and done with you — you keep interfering with my job and honestly this murder charge was the last strike for me— your of age now I can’t get you outta this shit— so if you could just get a new identity and get the hell away from me id seriously appreciate it "

" daichi I "

" you don't say anything "

" your my — your my brother we’re suppose to be there for each other and you "

" i'm not your anything as of right now you prick " his voice was sharp and held meaning as he snapped at uou " not your brother — your friend — your back up call when you get into weird shit I — I wanted to be a nice police officer and move my way up to chief I wanted to have kids a — a family y/n " he scoffdd " not a shitty sibling who keeps using my job against me and has me pulling strings that shouldn't even exists "

" but "

" you see how I keep cutting you off it's because I don't want to hear you y/n — you annoy the fuck out of me so seriously " he moved his shoulder to glide through the doorframe and past you "just go do what you criminal assholes do and get a new identity and the fuck away from me as soon as possible I want nothing to do with you "

" sooooo thats how you ended up with me " the air in the new room shifted from confusing to happiness as the dual colored male in front of you screamed " THATS AWESOME YOU HAVE SUCH A BADASS BACK STORY "

He jumped up and covered his face dramatically before he spoke "twas a dark night when y/n changed their ways and gave birth to a criminal — a murdering criminal who came to the one and the only — bokuto koutaro the amazingily cool , strong , funny , king of connections — thus creating a beautiful friendship and a dark and powerful villian story "

He smiled at your beat and battered face youd received from your brother a day ago before he spoke again his hair drooping slightly " too much ? "

[merakilyy]

Lan Qiren Meta + Bonus Parenting Headcanons

Hi @chezaru​​! Tumblr is being weird and apparently I type too much for them to let me respond to the ask directly. The robot overlords are confusing idk. But anyway. Some disorganized thoughts on Lan Qiren!

(This is also an expansion of some of the thoughts I stated here.)

A lot of my thoughts on Lan Qiren come from this article breaking down what it means be be righteous (雅正) in accordance to the Lan Sect’s motto. The article is in Chinese so I’ll just sum up some of the major ideas first:

***

~It fundamentally refutes the idea of Lan Wangji as the “black sheep” in the Lan Sect 

~It assumes Cloud Recesses has a highly collective intrasect environment. Children are raised not just by the parents, but by the entire Sect. 

~The Elders raised Wangji and saw him grew up and didn’t have the heart to hurt Wangji, even after he escaped with Wei Wuxian into the cave. Western fandom especially tends to see the elders as strict, conservative disciplinarians who are rigid in their beliefs to the point of hypocrisy. This meta refutes that. It’s unreasonable that Wangji, no matter how strong his cultivation, would be able to stand on his own against 33 seasoned cultivators. So, contrary to popular belief, the elders allowed Wangji to injure them so they would not have to harm a child of the Sect.

~Lan Sect rules are not about what is literally written, but the spirit of the rules. This also makes sense given that when you have 4000+ rules, some rules are bound to contradict one another. And, many rules are quite vague. Eg. “sneering for no reason is prohibited.” Where is the line that justifies sneering? There is none because the idea is not “don’t sneer for no reason,” the idea is “don’t be unnecessarily rude.” In many of the rules, there is room for interpretation and it is this interpretation that is valued over the literal inscription of the rules. 

~Basically, they are not good people because of the rules. They are good people because they are good people. The rules guide them to make good judgement, but good judgement does not comes from following the rules to a T.

~So the function of 雅正 (to be righteous) is internal, not performative.

~It is this internal clarity that makes Gusu Lan “innocent” (the word used is 纯真; 纯/chun = pure, clarity, genuine, practised and 真/zhen = true, real, genuine, clear)

~There is also a long history of Lans being deviant and rebellious. In CQL, there is Lan Yi who invents guqin battle techniques. They are also the only Clan to have been led by a female cultivator. Even Qingheng-jun who is....consent issues galore. He clearly went against orthodoxy by marrying a murderer, but still remains in Cloud Recesses. His punishment is self-imposed, not enforced by the Sect. So there are a lot of rules, but they aren’t pedantic. There is leeway, as seen in Lan Yi, but only within reason, as demonstrated by Qingheng-jun.

~Like his ancestors, Wangji also deviated from the straightforward path but his sect accepted his unrepentant love for Wei Wuxian in the end.

~In the end, Wangji gets what he wants: to live with Wei Wuxian in Cloud Recess. But he only gets this because the elders and Lan Qiren allow him to.

~To allow Wei Wuxian to exist in Cloud Recesses, the Lan Sect has to be more inclusive than we typically see them as.

~Despite everything, Lan Wangji still wants to return to Cloud Recesses because it is home to him.

~This is also my favourite explanation of Jingyi’s Jingyi-ness. Rather than Wangji (and possibly Xichen) singlehandedly creating a space for Jingyi, that space already existed. I don’t think Jingyi is as much of a black sheep as people portray him as because you don’t grow into a Jingyi if everyone is constantly yelling at you to follow rules. CQL Jingyi is plenty sassy, even in front of Lan Qiren, and Jingyi isn’t stupid! He was born and raised in Cloud Recesses, he knows when he is pushing several of the rules and he knows that he has the leeway to do so, and that Lan Qiren will not stop him (within reason).

~”Be righteous” is how the Lan motto is translated in English, but it’s....not exactly what it is in Chinese.

~In Chinese, it’s  雅正.  雅/ya = elegance, graceful and 正/zheng = positive, correct, straight, just. 

~Notice how the two parts of the motto contrast one another. Ya is outward, something that dictates how you act. Zheng is internal, determined by your actions and attitudes. Zheng is the foundation of Ya.

~The meta ends with this beautiful line: 所谓的“雅正”，家族交出来，体雅是表象，心正才是更本。Now to ruin it in translation: “Each configuration of “righteousness,” as taught by the Sect, is outward physical elegance built on the foundation of a moral heart.”

~TLDR: Rebelliousness is a function of Gusu Lan, not an anomaly.

***

Onto some fun headcanons!

~Lan Qiren has personal issues with Wei Wuxian because of his mother, but he is more horrified by Wei Wuxian because Wei Wuxian has all this potential and then uses it to go down the heretial path?? Blaphemous. All that ability, all that work, only to throw it all away? Wei Wuxian is incredibly competent and Lan Qiren begrudgingly respects that competence. What he can’t stand is Wei Wuxian’s lackadaisical attitude towards his cultivation.

~In novel canon, Lan Qiren accepts Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s marriage. He definitely still has issues with Wei Wuxian for being a mass murderer, a demonic cultivator, for desecrating the dead, etc. Also for his general Wei Wuxian-ness. But Wei Wuxian is nothing is not incredibly competent and Lan Qiren eventually softens towards Wei Wuxian because of that competence. Once Wei Wuxian starts using that competence to be useful to the Sect and not just to be as annoying as possible, he gets Lan Qiren’s approval. 

~Secretly, of course. Lan Qiren would qi deviate before saying nice about Wei Wuxian to his face.

~I totally wrote a fic on Lan Qiren publicly defending Wei Wuxian heheh

~Cloud Recesses is only so big and Lan Qiren can’t avoid Wei Wuxian, even if he is never trying to seek him out. Plus, Wei Wuxian has this way of being in the most inconvenient place at the most inconvenient time.

~We all agree Wei Wuxian is a terrible cook. But, is he a bad cook because he adds too much spice, or he is a bad cook because he’s a bad cook? He did manage to cook congee for the ducklings in Yi Cheng without any fatalities. so I’m inclined to believe the former.

~Lan Qiren definitely thinks Wei Wuxian is a terrible cook, especially after hearing about how Wei Wuxian burned a hole in a pot.

~But Wei Wuxian is Wei Wuxian and even if he can’t be trusted with spices (or anything remotely resembling seasoning), he can make plain congee just fine. 

~Lan Qiren eats this congee and it’s a perfectly good congee. Ideal thickness, light taste, no spices, slides down the throat smoothly and pairs perfectly with his dried zhacai (pickled mustard; a super common Chinese side dish). He asks who made the congee, expecting it to be Sizhui. He chokes when he is told Wei Wuxian is the cook.

~Lan Qiren knows how to be a good parent in theory. He’s just terrible at putting it to practice.

~Jingyi’s parents, when he was still a terrible toddler wreaking havoc everywhere, went to Lan Qiren for desperate advice like “why is our child such a terrible Lan???”

~But Jingyi isn’t actually Lan Qiren’s kid so he actually gives good advice. “Give him a toy, he’ll tire himself out for his nap,” “Let him crawl around, just cover sharp objects and table corners,” and “give him a crushed peach as a reward for walking across the room”

~But he doesn’t know how to talk to Xichen or Wangji as family. He loves them both dearly -- obviously he raised them, but they’re also good nephews!! Questionable taste in men aside, they are excellent nephews! He just doesn’t know how to talk to them outside of official sect business.

~Especially with Wangji, He kind of did declare Wangji’s husband a heretic, a traitor, was unnecessarily cruel to Wei Wuxian, stopped Wangji from helping Wei Wuxian. And there’s that whole discipline whip thing.

~Which, to be fair, did end up saving Wangji’s life. Raising his sword against Sect Elders and one’s own family is an act of treason punishable by execution. But Lan Qiren can’t just execute his own nephew....he has a heart, even if no one believes it

~33 discipline lashes from the discipline whip is very harsh and Lan Qiren won’t pretend otherwise. But he could gamble that Wangji’s core is strong enough to pull him through. Because the odds of a living, resentful Wangji is better than a dead Wangji.

~They never talk about this. There are a lot of things they don’t talk about.

~Even before, Lan Qiren isn’t a bad parent. He just has no idea how to put his ideas of parenting into practice. He knows what a good parent looks like, he just doesn’t know how to be one.

~So he hides behind the rules because the rules can’t go that wrong, right? Right???

~Lan Qiren is lowkey jealous of Wei Wuxian for knowing how to be affectionate. He definitely thinks Wei Wuxian is too open with his emotions, but he is envious that Wei Wuxian and Wangji are open to each other in a way that Lan Qiren never established with either nephew. They are loyal in the filial manner of juniors to their elders, but Lan Qiren isn’t exactly close to his nephews. 

~In his ongoing attempt to be a better uncle, he ends up getting advice from Wei Wuxian about emotions.

~It’s not like he can go to anyone else. And, well. That congee was really good.

~Turns out Wei Wuxian can brew the perfect pot of tea, too.

~Offensive. That Wei Wuxian is so competent and the least emotionally repressed person in all of Cloud Recesses.

~Eventually, Lan Qiren begins to understand why Wangji is so attached to Wei Wuxian, even if he still can’t stand to be in the same room as Wei Wuxian for longer than 15 minutes. 

~No matter how much he might no longer hate Wei Wuxian, he prefers their interactions in small doses and spaced out.

~But he does learn to bond with Wei Wuxian over cultivation theory. Annoyingly, Wei Wuxian is just too useful to continue to despise. 

[retroateez]

1980s horror film - s.mingi

hello all!!!

it’s been a lot longer than i intended, but a bunch of stuff came up and i both didn’t have time and didn’t feel like writing. this also wasn’t what i initially planned on posting, but life works weirdly and here we are. that being said, i wrote this in a way that is different to how i typically write so i apologise if it sounds/feels weird or awkward. regardless, i hope u enjoy! (also i didn’t realise it was all lower case so please ignore the inconsistency lmao)

//

pairing: song mingi x reader genre: unrequited love?? idk how to tag it oops word count: 1660 this is inspired by a song titled ‘1980s horror film II’ by wallows! 

//

mingi had been waiting for eons to score a date with y/n. way too long. all of his friends (mainly wooyoung), teased him constantly about her, but he had never gathered the courage to do anything about it.

they'd been friends for a long while, even hanging out a few times together at the cinema, or just going out for lunch before mingi realised he had an absolutely huge crush on her.

recently he'd been avoiding her like the plague, using volleyball practice, or band rehearsal with the boys as an excuse not to hang out with her. 

that was, until one sunny saturday afternoon, when she called him out of the blue. he took a few moments to collect himself, staring at the ringing phone in his hand like it was a ticking bomb seconds away from a devastating explosion.

"hey dingus!" y/n called down the phone once he had collected himself enough to answer. "what are you doing?" she asked.

"nothing. why?" 

"i'm bored." she declared. "wanna come over?"

"s-sure!" mingi agreed straight away.

"sweet. see you soon then!" y/n hung up, and mingi was convinced he might pass out.

he'd never been to her house before. maybe she really did like him back? oh god, he was starting to internally panic now; how was he supposed to act? he didn't want to be a creep but he didn't want to be painfully awkward either. oh god. oh god oh god oh god.

"get it together, mingi." he scowled at himself in the mirror, shaking his faded red hair side to side. he couldn’t make a fool of himself in front of her; he absolutely would not allow it. 

this could be his chance, to finally muster enough balls to ask y/n out before it was too late. yes, he'd decided; today would be the day.

-----

half an hour later, an exceptionally nervous song mingi knocked on the door of his highschool crush. he reached up and brushed a shaking hand through his hair, wondering whether his legs were numb from fear or the chilling bite of the surprisingly cold weather. 

a few moments passed, then the door swung open to reveal y/n. she was dressed in her usual style, comfy, stylish, beautiful, very y/n. in truth, she could be wearing a trashbag and mingi would still say she looked gorgeous.

she gave him a wide, toothy grin and stepped aside to let him in.

"welcome to mi casa!" she motioned to the hallway dramatically, one arm sweeping out in front of her and almost bashing her elbow into the kitchen doorframe.

"i wanna watch a movie!" she said, once she had recovered from the near injury. "i've already got the snacks ready, so let's go!"

she began bounding up the stairs, mingi following her before realising where they were headed and freezing abruptly in his tracks.

"we're going upstairs?" he breathed, anxiety flooding him from head to foot.

just what exactly was she expecting from him?

"yeah?" she shrugged. "is that a problem?"

"no!" he replied, perhaps a little too quickly. "no, that's not a problem at all."

-----

he was scared.

bordering on terrified.

y/n's bedroom was dark; having pulled the curtains before mingi's arrival to avoid the sun glaring onto the television.

as the minutes went on, mingi became less and less sure just what she was planning this afternoon.

she paced over to the tv set, opening a dvd case and slotting a disc into the player.

"it's a 1980s horror film," she explained. "i've been wanting to watch it for ages, but i didn't want to watch it alone... you don't mind, do you?"

mingi shook his head quickly. he did in fact mind, not being the biggest fan of the horror genre, but he'd made it this far, and backing out now was definitely not an option. plus, if wooyoung caught wind of mingi chickening out, he would never hear the end of it.

"here," she motioned to her bed; a double, with lilac sheets and an appropriate amount of cushions bundled up by her pillows. "take a seat."

unsure of whether he should, but not wanting to be rude, mingi crawled across her bed, sitting down amidst the cushions and crossing his legs like an obedient, yet timid child. he watched y/n grab her desk chair, dragging it across the room and placing it beside the bed, distanced but still close enough to mingi to completely throw him off his guard.

"don't you want the be-"

"nonsense!" she cut him off before he could even get the words out. "you're my guest, so you get the bed."

mingi was bewildered. never in his life had he expected to be in this situation. it appeared that y/n had absolutely zero intentions of doing anything romantic. which, don't get him wrong, was totally fine, but regardless he was still confused.

all the cheesy high school romance movies he’d watched, and all the young adult fiction novels he had read hinted that when you were invited to your crush’s house, alone, it usually indicated they wanted something romantic. or something more. absolutely nothing had prepared him for, or even suggested that the current circumstances would ever occur in a million years. mingi felt rather cheated, to be honest.

was she making him wait on purpose? deliberately staying away from him in the hopes that he'd just cave in and sweep her off her feet? y/n didn't seem like that kind of girl, but mingi had been wrong about a lot of things when it came to y/n. 

the movie began to play, and they sat surrounded by darkness, mingi decided he would simply go with the flow. he was a nervous wreck, but he wasn't a pervert; he wouldn't do anything unless y/n initiated it. the last thing he wanted was to make her uncomfortable. 

despite reaching a solution, he couldn't get it out of his mind how close they were in the moment. glancing to his side, he could very much reach out and gently touch her hair. or softly caress her cheek. 

obviously, he wouldn't, because that would be weird. and that was a vibe he was trying to avoid today.

halfway through the movie, y/n jumped up, explaining she had to use the bathroom and scaring the shit out of mingi in the process.

he kept his gaze fixed on the movie playing in front of him, but his mind wandered to other places. he sighed deeply.

he didn't even know what to say to her.

she's always on his mind,

and yet,

he's too afraid to say anything. how long would this pathetic pining go on for? surely it would be better for him to take wooyoung's advice and just go for it? otherwise he'll be playing this game for god knows how long. 

that was it.

he simply couldn't help the way he was feeling; he needed to get it out, to tell her how he truly feels.

and maybe, just maybe, she'd feel the same way too.

y/n comes back, and mingi gears himself up for his confession. digging into the deepest corners of his mind to find the right words to use. deciding to abandon his previous resolution to let y/n initiate, he convinces himself to take charge and follow the lead of every heteronormative teen movie in existence, and sweep the girl off her feet.

until she ditches the chair, motioning for mingi to scooch over and then she lays down right beside him. 

the bed is fairly large, but then again mingi is no regular sized teenage boy, his lanky frame taking up a considerable portion of the bed.. as a result, his right side and her left are pressed flush against each other, and poor mingi thinks he's about to explode.

but still, he inhales deeply, surveying the situation.

the lights are off, 

the mood was right.

perfect.

mingi lets her settle for a short while, which is really him internally psyching himself up, before setting his masterplan into action.

he turns his head slowly to look at y/n, noticing how invested she is in the movie and he pouts a little.

he wants her attention.

she still doesn't notice, so he opts for placing his hand on her cheek as gently as he can and guides her gaze towards him.

her eyebrows furrow together in confusion, but she makes no effort to move away.

frozen anxiety that mingi misinterprets as a green light.

his eyes fall shut, and his upper body leans forward the tiniest amount. he's so close. so close to finally being able to show y/n how he feels. he's seconds away from having a weight lifted off his shoulders. he can't wait to shove it in wooyoung's face either, all the times the younger boy had called him a pussy had pissed mingi off to no end, but look at him now wooyoung, look at him now.

all he needed was for y/n to bridge the gap between them.

but instead, a small hand on mingi's shoulder pushes him back, and his eyes snap open abruptly, and he feels his stomach fall straight through his ass.

"y/n, i-"

the look on her face stops mingi dead in his tracks, because he can't read her expression.

is she mad? is she super pissed that he tried to kiss her? he'd understand if she was, it probably wasn't the best course of action but it was the best he could come up with. is she angry? is she hurt? disappointed? he searches her eyes, burning into his, for answers but comes up short. all he can do is try and guess how she's feeling, but realistically he's no expert, he's no mindreader, how is he suppo-

"mingi, i'm really not that into guys." 

oh.  

[the-transfeminine-mystique]

do you believe in real presence? i'm unclear how anyone who upholds that doctrine could support desecration of the host, given that after the words of institution and epiklesis (do they have that? idk for sure) the host is not something that belongs to the RCC per se but is rather the flesh of christ. i'm episcopalian personally and have no love for the RCC's positions but this distresses me. i hope this doesn't come across as rude, i don't mean it to

There are a few ways I could answer this. One is by putting Walter Benjamin’s “Critique of Violence” in conversation with prophetic actions as a genre, as Ted Smith did in Weird John Brown with the figure of freedom-fighter John Brown. Another is by talking a little bit about real presence in the Eucharist and asking to what extent it is being used as a point of distraction from other real presences that are disavowed. While I did not explicitly bring Benjamin in to bear on this paper (partially because it was a ≤20 minute conference paper to be read aloud), I would say that a combination of the two is essential in looking back at Tom Keane’s actions in 1989 and reading them as a voice of God and not violence against God. 

(This is going to be a slightly long post)

For the question “May I kill?” meets its irreducible answer in the commandment “Thou shalt not kill.” This commandment precedes the deed, just as God was “preventing” the deed. But just as it may not be fear of punishment that enforces obedience, the injunction becomes inapplicable, incommensurable, once the deed is accomplished. No judgment of the deed can be derived from the commandment. And so neither the divine judgment nor the grounds for this judgment can be known in advance. Those who base a condemnation of all violent killing of one person by another on the commandment are therefore mistaken. It exists not as a criterion of judgment, but as a guideline for the actions of persons or communities who have to wrestle with it in solitude and, in exceptional cases, to take on themselves the responsibility of ignoring it.

Walter Benjamin, “Critique of Violence,” in Walter Benjamin: Selected Writings, Vol. I, 250.

I was perhaps flippant in my last sentence in the post that this is in response to. But I do believe in real presence and view Tom Keane’s desecration of the host as a prophetic and blameless act. Prophetic actions are always breaking actions — if there were no laws or boundaries or codes broken, then it wouldn’t be prophetic. The breaking is, however, oriented towards God. This is the reason why, in the paper I linked, I believe actions like Keane’s fit so well with the liturgical theology of Gordon Lathrop, who emphasizes the juxtapositions, the breakings of meaning, the jagged edges around our symbols which, when taken together, point us towards God as we can know God. There was a prescription for the treatment of the host, and Keane violated it. And the question that Christianity has long since, and increasingly, forgotten since becoming the metaphysical wing of empire in 313, but the question demanded by the action, is “why?” Benjamin’s example with regard to the proscription of killing is killing in self-defense, long recognized halakhically as either a just violation of the commandment or not a true violation at all. What might it mean to ask if Keane was, in a manner of speaking, acting in self-defense? 

The matter of “real presence” in the Eucharist is also of interest, because a focus on it obscures a competing real presence, which is the body of the Church, as well as Christ’s stated affinity, the poor, marginalized, and imprisoned (Matt 25:36–40). From the early church, there was a conception of Christ having a “real body” (corpus verum) and a “mystical body” (corpus mysticum) on earth. Until the Berengar of Tours/Lanfranc dispute in the 11th century, the corpus verum referred unambiguously to the Church and the corpus mysticum referred to the Sacrament. Subsequent to the first widespread articulations of the doctrine of real presence, the two terms switched. But I think it is important to note how late that switch was, and how late even compared to that real presence was to emerge as a formal doctrine (Trent, AD 1551). This isn’t to dismiss out-of-hand concerns about real presence, it is instead to ask whether, when we put so much emphasis on the real presence in the Eucharist, we aren’t obscuring and disrespecting real presence elsewhere.

And that was what the Catholic Church (and, speaking as a fellow Episcopalian, the Episcopal Church) had grown accustomed to doing. The sacrament revolving around the breaking of Christ’s body had grown so pristine and focused upon that the incursion of Christ’s broken body into the Cathedral was viewed as a profaning. After Tom Keane’s action, Christ’s broken body lay on both sides of the altar rail. On one side it was treated with reverence and care, and on the other side it was handcuffed, dragged onto a stretcher, and hauled out by the NYPD. The desecration of the body of Christ in the form of the host needed to happen in order to reveal in explicit terms the carelessness with which the Church desecrated, and regarded the desecration of, the body of Christ in the form of the poor, the sick, and the marginalized.

I’m not sure if you followed the link to the paper, but this is a relevant excerpt from it.

If liturgical meaning is created through juxtaposition, then we might do well to notice parallels between the Eucharistic host on the one hand and Keane’s own body along with all others participating in the die-in on the other: the corpus verum and corpus mysticum respectively. Sacrilege though it might have been, Keane did nothing to the host that the Catholic Church was not already doing to those with AIDS.The violence done to the corpus verum was mirrored by the violence done to the corpus mysticum made present in the cathedral, both really and symbolically, by the die-in. Shortly after the desecrated host fell to the ground, Keane’s body did as well. That the Church identified sacrilege in the desecration of the host but not in the desecration of the bodies of the sick, the poor, and the oppressed — that the host was removed from the ground with honor and reverence while Keane’s body was handcuffed and removed by police — was itself the fundamental theological problem that “Stop the Church” sought to address. The juxtaposition between the two corpora, the juxtaposition insisted on by Tom Keane’s action, served to communicate the central meaning of the liturgy of protest.

...

This is not to argue that “Stop the Church” should be the model for liturgical worship, that die-ins or desecrated hosts should necessarily proliferate (although it cannot with integrity argue that they should not, that this disruption is all well and good because it happened in the past but a similar one today or in our particular congregation would be unacceptable). It is instead to understand the demonstration as having a particular liturgical meaning and to “read [it] with some sympathy,” despite its breaking from known and approved liturgical forms. To read it as a catholic exception is not to bring the entirety of Church practice under its rubric, but rather to accept that the things that it said were things that the Church needed to hear, and it said them in ways that the Church cannot responsibly ignore. It was, in Lathrop’s, words, “a protest corresponding to the iconoclasm of the meeting itself, a protest that can be important for the health of the Christian faith.” Running throughout the demonstration’s radical disruptions of the Mass was an invocation to the Church to take more seriously its actions, both liturgically and politically. It served as an implicit critique of the exclusions of a church founded on Jesus’ radical inclusion of the outsider. The Church, “Stop the Church” said, is happy to pray for those dying of AIDS so long as they are outside its walls, but will have them arrested for trespassing when they come inside. The Church is offended, it said, when Christ’s body is desecrated at theMass, but it is perfectly willing to participate in the desecration of Christ’s body in the streets.

Jane D. Nichols, “ACT UP, "Stop the Church," and the Theological Implications of a Liturgical Protest,” 8–9.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I quit online dating...ok dating in general

Definitely taking a long hard look in the mirror, my new job starts soon so I can start seeing a therapist and finally figure out wtf is going on with me mentally but also

I NEED BETTER HELP WITH FIXING MY ATTRACTION OFF OF TOXIC MFS WHO CAN LIE WAY TOO GOOD AND ME ACTUALLY BELIEVING IT BECAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD AND I LIKE THEM LIKE AFTER BEING VULNERABLE

WTFFFF

I met Jay at work, so now I'm worried about blocking myself off too much if I happen to meet someone new and they sound like a nice person, good fit, but then the relationship and family trauma history comes up....wtf do i do? Run?

Like everything that I went through wasn't all my fault, but still I think it would be unfair for me to neglect someone as a potential date if they have everything that I'm looking for, looks good, but they have this, this, and that mental health disorders from trauma or they're just surviving....

But Idk, I think it would be best to get some guidance off the horny, desperate, need somebody to talk to because I can't come out to my parents about what happened to me with Jay and Ayunna because they're not cool about their kids being gay...

Its like "hey, dad I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by someone..."

"Wow...why would you stay in something like that? By the way was it a girl or a boy?"

I think my dad knows. But I did not like the way he responded and said that it was my fault for having sex with them...Like wow, how was I supposed to know they would have took advantage of me and did stuff to me that I wouldn't even like...without consent?

Wtf Dad.

And this is why I never talked to my mom about it either...they think alike to victim blame and doing the oh, well you should have known better way of talking down to their kids about being fucked up by their best friend...

Yea great role models.

I told him and he didn't even hug me. Cause he thought I was going to far when I said I wanted to fight her and get revenge.

He just said you should find a way to release that aggression and looked at me crazy as if nothing bad had happened to me and everything I was feeling still after, was all in my head, blown out of proportion.

Why didn't I tell him I was disappointed in the way he handled that?

It just made me close up on him and mom even more after he said that. Its like why should I have to debate out why it was so wrong of my friend to hurt me to somebody who would rather talk about something else, being all nonchalant and passive as usual.

I don't wanna talk about it until after I move out, cause I feel like he would explode on me if I was to say Dad, I don't like what you said and it hurt me to know that my own father didn't have my back when I was looking for support.

Cause I've been in pain all year, thinking, and being reminded of Jay and Ayunna's actions towards me. I hate them officially to this day. And I'll never love or trust the same since them.

They'll never know what its like to be me, not Jay, not Ayunna, not my mom or dad...so why even bother discussing, then later on debating about why I even stayed in an abusive relationship like that where I people pleased and didn't say stop. I just took the pain, like the good girl-sex-slave/doormat Jay wanted me to be.

He'll never understand it, and thats why I don't like the idea of telling my parents everything that happened, because I don't wanna lose my parents.

Cause I feel like even if I was to open up to my crazy bipolar mom and my passive ass dad, none of them would overreact about wanting to kick Jay and Ayunna's ass like I do right to this very day.

They would have got hard on me, tell me their disappointed in me, and told me everything that I did wrong in the matter instead of actually asking me "are you okay" which Dad never did after I told him the snippet.

Never would have asked me "how are you feeling" "do you need a hug" cause yea, its all my fault huh? For staying with a dumbass abusive friend who was already engaged to someone who treats them like a child too?

Yea they would have judged the fuck outta me...so I don't say anything. And every time I feel a ptsd episode spiraling or mom triggers me, I stay locked up in my room and scream and cry silently until I hear my voice crack. Shrilling the sound like, broken metal guitar strings cause I've been suffering in silence all year long. Hiding my depression from my sisters and my parents, because mom and dad want us to be happy about being alive and living in this house that I stopped giving a fuck about, because well grandma's dead and you can't make people happy about it when it was literally in July and her dead body was carried down our living room steps.

This bitch is crazy, you act like everything is supposed to just go back to normal? After everything that I've seen and been through this year? You think I'm supposed to be happy after finding out your a crazy, selfish, asshole who wanted me to fall down the steps just for pissing you off, my grandma was miserable and depressed all the way up in that house and delusional about healthcare that she didn't visit a doctor for years until it was too late, my dad hides everything he feels from us and mom unless it comes out in an aggravated assault on my little sister when she pissed him off, and now mom is basically forcing us to get back on cleanup schedule and act like everything is normal.

WHEN ITS FUCKING NOT

I bet deep down this is why Grandma moved to live in a cabin in the woods, for idk how long. She even painted the house she bought later on, the exact same colors. Burgundy and Sea Mint Green. Cause she loved how peaceful it was and there was nobody there but just her. Her family, her abusive ex, her abusive baby daddy, her children, and her friends all drove her nuts trying to be there and take care of them....when nobody was there to take care of her.

Except when I was there, it felt like we had the whole house, the whole world to ourselves, and we could be just as still and silent as the wind passing us as we sat on the couch, watched movies, ate popcorn, and enjoyed a hard lemonade with her. She missed being by herself after I moved in and so did I.

No wonder we kept butting heads. We don't like being disappointed by our family and friends, and we sure as hell don't like people making us work for them, and not caring about our emotional, mental, and physical stability.

I would prefer to go to the library for hours and just watch movies on the internet, than to live with my family while I'm still digesting the pain and drama I went through.

And realizing just how toxic, abusive, and crazy your family really is...really made me hate reality. Once the research on why I felt like I was suffering so bad with jay and ayunna started to add up, it all made sense why I didn't see some of the things that actually hurt me, as not as bad. Because I'd been through it already with my mom and my dad. Where I'm forced to take every negative comment or action they said and did, and just deal with it without retaliating against them or I was punished or told I was too sensitive to be told the truth. Gaslighting me.

Like I'm not allowed to feel pain if my mom tells me that my stomach is poking out too much in that dress and that I need to go change or wear some spanx. Then if I didn't want to change there was pinches on my skin from when she would force my shirts into my pants and make me feel stupid for not knowing how to tuck in my pants.

I'm supposed to always appreciate everything my parents did for me, even when the person standing in front of my face wants to be right all the time and I'm supposed to not get upset, not get angry, not cry, not whine or complain when my parent, my guardian does something unfair to me, says something rude, disrespectful, and controlling to me that they know that if I did the same thing to them, then they would slap me across the face, flick me in the head, knock me back to being a kid, just because they said so and just because I still live here.

I hate this place. And I thought Athena would be my escape. I thought I found someone to build real love with after going through so much trauma and realizing the crazy I've been living in for all these years.. The facade is over.

And I don't know what to do except cry and scream for myself in my room, and now I can't even talk to them about me losing my faith and trust in God because everything bad that happened and keeps happening. And why in the hell did he decide giving my grandma cancer was the best way for her to go? She was in so much pain all these years and it was from cancer. Her head and her body was twitching from lack of oxygen. And she was unresponsive as I sat upstairs with her all night on the very same couch I'm sitting on right now.

Its September now. She passed on July 30th and dad called me from upstairs after I had stayed up there till like 11:30 cause we were writing down how much morphine to give her each hour. And the nurse had just told us that she might not have that long left to live. Like maybe saturday or monday, cause it was already friday the 30th.

But after the nurse left, Dad told me to go through her pictures and find his favorite photo of her. I didn't even cry like he did, I had already cried at 10am when I saw no matter what I did, she was still shaking and not responding to me talking to her like before. Still grunting. It was like me being on nurse mode, made my heart, my emotions feel numb. But after I left the room and called Hospice, I finally let it out.

Grandma passed at around 1:30 or 2pm. And two of my aunts and my cousins were over. My cousins playing a game of Uno in the dining room as if nothing traumatic was going on upstairs. None of them reacted at all until they all joined us in the living room as she being carried down the stairs by the funeral service guys. It was amazing to see how insensitive at 1st the kids were, then to see my mom cry about not being strong enough for my dad, when I was sorta pissed off and confused and still in shock about grandma. LIKE WTFFF MOMMM FUCKING CRYYY THAT'S THE REASON WHY YALL HAVE PROBLEMS IN YALL RELATIONSHIP AND OUR RELATIONSHIP NOW

STOP HIDING YOUR FUCKING SADNESS, ANGER, AND GRIEF FROM YOUR FAMILY BY BEING A CRAZY ASS PSYCHOPATH WHO EXPECTS PEOPLE TO ACT NORMAL AND BE HAPPY WHEN SOMETHING SHITTY LIKE THIS HAPPENS

GODDAMN IT MOM FUCKING CRY. YOU'RE HUMAN. IM HUMAN. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FUCKING CRY. WE'RE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FEEL OUR PAIN AND SUFFERING.

AND IM ALLOWED TO BE DEPRESSED AND UNSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE AND MY RELIGION THAT DOESN'T LET ME DO WHAT I WANT AND BE HAPPY WITH WHOEVER I WANT TO BE WITH.

AND MOM IM GAY. I FELL IN LOVE WITH WITH A GIRL WHO LATER ON DECIDED TO BE A THEY, AND NOW A HE AND I'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN AS A THEY, CAUSE NOW HE'S GROWING A BEARD, A DICK, A NEW VOICE AGAIN, AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED TO ANOTHER CONTROLLING PSYCHOPATH THAT REMINDS ME OF YOU AND I HAD SEX WITH HER TOO, BUT I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF ME AND HER WANNA KILL EACH OTHER OR IF SHE'S ACTUALLY A COUSIN OR NOT WHO REMINDS ME OF MY TRAUMA WHEN I WAS A KID. AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT INCEST POSSIBLY BEING A GENE OF TRAUMA IN THIS FAMILY.

I LITERALLY WATCHED MY COUSINS WHO WERE FAMILY, HAVE SEX AND THEY WERE KIDS JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE WATCHING PORN AND NOBODY BROUGHT IT BACK UP TO EVEN EXPLAIN WHY OR WHAT HAPPENED. AND ALL I SEE IS FLASHBACKS OF SHIT WHENEVER SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO ME IN MY LIFE. CAUSE I KNOW INCEST IS BAD.

AND THATS WHY I STILL AM GROSSED OUT BY THE IDEA OF AYUNNA AS A WHOLE BECAUSE SHE SMELLS WEIRD AND HAS GROSS MORNING BREATH, SHE SNORTS FOR 45 MIN TO AN HR EVERY MORNING SHE WAKES UP LIKE ITS NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY LIKE THAT IN YOUR SLEEP AND SHE'S ABNOXIOUS AND GROSS AND IMMATURE BUT JAY PRETENDS LIKE SHE'S MATURE AND IM NOT EVEN THOUGH IM SMARTER, IM BETTER, MORE EMOTIONALLY CAPABLE TO HANDLE THEM BEING DEPRESSED TO NOT JUDGE THEM FOR IT, CAUSE I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WANNA DIE TO ESCPAE MY PAIN AND MY REALITY CAUSE ITS NICE AND EASIER TO HAVE AFRIEND WHO WANTS TO GO BACK TO BEING TAKEN CARE OF LIKE A BABY AND HAVE FUN JUST LIKE YOU TOO.

I feel like i lost a lot this year...including my sanity...thanks a lot Athena for triggering me. Now going back to talking to grandma as if she was here like I did when i was on the flight for the very 1st time after 911 and I had a silent panic attack because I was holding it in for the kid and the obnoxious older black lady next to me on my flight.

I cried my tears out and everything felt tight up on my back, making me scared and numb and tingly like I was on a rollercoaster. and mom thought I was just overreacting.

I need someone who understands me and knows exactly how it feels to be me, and I thought that person was this crazy bitch on the internet, who's gay and trans and lost a bunch of her family due to trauma. Because she's autistic, and not the one where they cant talk and do things for themselves. She talks to me just like I would to myself when I wasn't feeling good.

And idk, if I might have some sort of autism or spectrum thing too. Or did my family brainwash me into thinking nothing was wrong with me, the way they treated me, and how I was behaving...just because they didn't wanna believe it either.

I wanna know what's wrong with me, my life, my family and how do I fix it so it doesn't keep happening. I wanna know how can I avoid becoming like my parents and ending up in a controlling, aggressive, petty relationship like my dad who became passive just so he could deal with it and hide his pain from her.

I dont know what a healthy relationship looks like with no confrontations that leads to fights, arguing that leads to yelling at each other's faces and getting distracted with emotions to where we throw things at each other or just walk out without saying anything...

Because I dont know how to be angry. Cause I was never allowed to. and the people who birth me, don't know how to control theirs either without hurting the person they care about, someway or some sort.

I still to this day don't know how to communicate when I get angry. Because I feel like I was adopted from all the daycare people who used to take me in at night time when mom would drop me off and I never knew when she was coming back cause she didn't tell me.

[reformedkingsmanagent]

It’s A Date

Pairing: Diana Prince x female reader

Word Count: 1617

AN: Enjoy this Diana trash. Idk how I haven’t written for her sooner.

“Want to see something cool?”

You jumped out of your seat, pen flying out of your hand and landing god knows where. The desk chair clattered against a nearby wall. “Oh my god!” You pressed a hand against your chest, trying to steady your heart rate. “Barry, we talked about this!” You couldn't sit back down in the desk chair, not when you felt so vulnerable and you felt the adrenaline coursing through you.

“Right, right, I know.” He seemed in a social mood. Ever since he started hanging out with his super friends he disappeared far more frequently, leaving you to work on your video game project without him. “‘Allen, don't you dare sneak up on me!’ Heh, yeah, I remember…” He imitated you poorly.

“This better be good.” You crossed your arms over your chest in a huff, waiting for him to spill.

“Someone wanted to meet you- and no, it's not Superman. He's a little busy in Atlantis.” His smile fell and you got the feeling he let something slip. “Shit.” Wait, Atlantis?

“Barry, why must I wait?” You heard a heavily accented voice call down through the open skylight in the center of the warehouse-type structure, effectively distracting you from Barry’s slip-up. You looked up and your breath caught in your throat at the sight of the radiant Amazonian princess. The sunlight formed a halo around her head.

“Superhero entrance! Come on, Di!” He yelled, throwing his hands. Diana Prince, Wonder Woman herself, slipped through the skylight and gracefully landed on her feet as simply as if she had stood up from a chair.

“Is that what you meant, Barry Allen?” She adopted a serious tone and fixed him with a concerned gaze. You, however, were stunned speechless. She was dressed in her battle armor, and her back was facing you. You studied her shield and it's intricate design, as well as her hair dangling in perfect dark ringlets over the top of it. She glanced over her shoulder at you and shot you a smile. You just about fainted. “Have I done something wrong?” She asked.

“No, no, you're perfect Diana.” He patted her shoulder and narrowed his eyes at you before he stepped around her and walked closer to you. She turned her body to follow him.

Barry held out his arms and wiggled his fingers towards the Amazon. “Ta-da!” Diana smiled at his enthusiasm as if she were smiling at a young child. An apt description of your working partner, Barry.

Your heart soared.

Then she turned her attention to you, and you felt like you were sinking into the floor.

“Diana, this is Y/N. Y/N has been here working on our video game that I was telling you about earlier-”

The Princess moved past Barry and walked up to you. You could only manage a half-smile due to your nerves reaching crisis levels. The way her eyes warmed as she got closer to you made you feel a little sick, as if you had eaten an entire bag of skittles. Which you might have actually done earlier.

“You are the writer, yes?” You glanced over at Barry, knowing if you opened your mouth all kinds of gibberish would pour out. You managed to nod.

“Yeah- yes, Y/N is writing it! We’ve got some concept art over here, maybe you could tell me if you think I can pitch it to Bruce yet?” Barry attempted to distract Diana before you turned into a puddle.

“What interest would Bruce have in a video game?” She asked, confused.

“You know what, that’s very true…” Barry noticed he was losing Diana’s focus. She kept looking at you. “Don’t worry about it! Look at these!” Barry pulled the tall woman over to the poster boards on the other side of Barry’s monitors. He shot you a look as he led her away and mouthed ‘what is wrong with you?’ before he was out of sight.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit. You had discussed your interest in ‘Wonder Woman’ with Barry but you never expected to meet her! How could he do this, with no warning? You had told him in confidence, and now here she was, parading around your workspace, dressed for battle. Though the only war was in your heart and she had conquered it immediately. You would have a hard time believing this was real once she was gone.

You took in a deep breath and shook out your arms, trying to get rid of your nerves. She was descended from Zeus, sure, but she probably just wanted to be treated like anyone else. You could do that, couldn’t you? You walked past your desktop and went around to join the pair as Barry was discussing the concept. Diana turned in your direction, a smile still on her face-

“Nope.” You turned right back around and headed for the warehouse doors. Perhaps some fresh air and distance would calm you down. If only Diana Prince wasn’t intimidatingly...perfect.

“Have I upset you?” A gentle hand stopped you. She stepped in your path. “Barry has talked so much about you, but if I have bothered you by coming here, I am very sorry.”

“Uh, definitely not. I’m just…” Diana waited expectantly for an explanation. You couldn’t look her in the eye and finish your sentence. You settled for studying the pommel of the sword sticking out over her shoulder. “...a little overwhelmed.”

“Oh, this?” She followed your eyes and pulled out her sword. “You have nothing to fear. I would never use it against you.” She held it in her hands and inspected the blade as if she were looking at a family pet.

“It’s not the sword, Di.” Barry peeked from around the monitors. Diana looked over at him. “It’s you.” You noticed understanding spread across her face. Fantastic, thank you Barry Allen. You and your big mouth.

“Barry!” You glared at him. If you were Medusa, he’d be stone. You’d tip him over with a finger and watch him shatter.

Diana sheathed her sword. “Can I ask you something?” You looked up into Diana’s kind eyes, completely distracted from your ideas of revenge. “I could take you to where I work, give you the secret tour?” You knew that Diana worked at the Louvre, restoring old pieces and preparing them for viewing. It sounded incredibly calm, and you wondered if she chose it to be closer to her own history, or if she just wanted a more relaxing day job considering her night job was action-packed enough. And what was the secret tour? Your mind filled with all sorts of inappropriate ideas of what a secret tour of the Louvre might be like.

“Uh...W-why would you do that for me?” It was a miracle your words even made sense.

“Your story, it is based on Greek mythology, correct? I could tell you what I know, and try to show you the rest, if you were interested.” What she was offering was wonderful, but if you were a mess now, imagine when it was just the two of you. “It would be wonderful to discuss my history with someone who understands...Maybe over dinner?” Your eyes widened. Diana Prince just asked you to dinner?

“She will go!” Barry yelled, knocking something over in his haste to reach the two of you. He zipped over and stopped next to you, crossing his arms over his chest. “She has no plans, ever.”

“Oh my god, rude!” You punched him in the shoulder and he winced.

“Ow! You know I bruise easily.” Diana’s laughter met your ears and you looked over at the warrior.

“Shall I meet you here tomorrow?” There were still traces of laughter in her face. She was beautiful. You couldn’t do this.

“I would really appreciate that, but I can’t ask that of you. You guys are so busy and I don’t know how long it takes to renew a passport but-”

“You don’t need to do all that.” She wasn’t kidding. Suddenly you were having trouble trying to come up with ways of getting out of this. “I can take you there myself.”

You let out a nervous laugh. “Oh wow, really?” Diana nodded. Her smile only barely concealed a bit of mischief. You swallowed.

“So, is that a yes?” She asked, stepping a little bit closer.

“I mean, how could anyone say no?” You could hear the unsteadiness of your voice and you were sure she could too.

“Good.” She let the corner of her mouth quirk upwards while the rest of her face remained neutral. She leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to your cheek. You would have fallen into her if Barry hadn’t grabbed the back of your sweater. Her knee-high armored boots echoed on the concrete floor as she headed for the door. She turned to face you as she opened it. “It’s a date.” She shot you a wink before the door shut and she was out of sight.

Barry let go of you and you swayed a little. You silently walked over to your abandoned chair and sat, the momentum rolling you away from the desk. “See? Aren’t you glad I-”

“I still want to kill you.” You cut Barry off.

“Perfect. That is so you. Not ‘oh Barry, thanks for landing me a date with a princess!’ or ‘thanks for introducing me to my future wife’. It’s just you wanting to kill me. As usual.” Barry sat on the desk next to you, peeking at the spot where you punched him earlier. “I swear it’s already purple.”

You ignored him, daydreams of Diana Prince filling your mind.

[stopidontgohere]

@blender-chan wanted the list of 100 questions answered for two of my ocs. It took forever, but I finally got it done.

1. How do they present themselves to others?


O: Onnie presents herself as someone who’s more confident than she really is. She can’t really hide how awkward she is though.

M: Moren presents themself as someone who’s witty and fun to be around.

2. Do they like animals?


Yes

3. How do they dress?


Already answered

4. How many languages do they know?


O: Two (then again she may have forgotten one of them)

M: Honestly????? idk

5. How big is their family?


O: She has two adoptive parents. I’m not sure about siblings.

M: You see, it’s really hard to talk about these things without spoiling my story, but most of this will probably be forgotten by the time it comes out, so whatever. I don’t think it’s possible for them to have a real family.

6. What is their purpose in the story?


O: Again, huge spoilers. She is given the task to find and stop the incondite, and her major purpose is to collect as much information as possible.

M: They are one of the Unusuals (a type of Synthetic). Their purpose in the Edifice is to manipulate how people perceive things. Not necessarily a bad thing though. They’re not the big Bad Guy of the story. Their purpose in the story is to help Onnie get more info.

7. Do they know how to fight?


O: Possibly, but she’s not very good at it.

M: Possibly, and they would be better at it than Onnie.

8. What is their back story?


SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS as in this literally isn’t revealed until the end of the story

O: Her father started the creation of the Edifice and wasn’t able to care for her, so she was adopted by the Aldachi family. Nineteen years later, he found and killed her to basically force her into joining the Edifice and becoming a Synthetic.

M: They were actually a friendly mischievous spirit/demon thing until something (what it is I really cannot say, since I want it to be 100% a secret to everyone until the game is released) took control of it. The Staff found them and made them a Synth, basically giving them a home.

9. Why is their name, their name?


O: Onnie is based on a gemsona I made years ago, named Black Lace Onyx

M: Started as a joke actually. My nickname is Less, and the opposite of less is more

10. Do they have any nick names?


O: Onnie is technically a nickname. Her real name is Oni Aldachi (or Kuan-Yin Namari)

M: Fritz? idk if that counts, since it was a fake name they made for themself

11. Do they have a romantic interest?


O: Yeah kinda. She takes an interest in Raech, but there isn’t a whole lot of flirting between them.

M: I don’t know if they know much about romance. They’re probably asexual but idk

12. How do they cope with struggles?


That’s one of the things I’m still trying to figure out while writing them.

13. Do they have anyone they can lean on?


They have the other Synths, but that’s probably not a good idea. At least Onnie has Raech, and Moren has Onnie, Izzy, and Kaster

14. How do they react to someone dying?


They’ve both died before so it’s more of a “been there done that” reaction.

15. Can you name 5 personality traits they have?


O: Determined, awkward, gay™, honest, stubborn

M: Energetic, loud, witty, supportive, depressed™

16. How did they become a character?


O: Had to think of a backstory for Onyx, somehow turned her into something completely different and made an entire story about it.

M: Started as a different character named Sketch, who was based on a character from a horror series which I will not name here.

17. Do they get along with others?


O: It’s hard for her to get to know others, but she tries to treat them well regardless. She loses her patience with strangers easily though.

M: It’s hard to know how they really feel about others. They often pretend to care to keep a good reputation, but the truth is that they tend to find others annoying.

18. What flaws do they have?


I’m tired so I’m not going to list all of them.

O: Despite wanting everyone to be happy, she tends to say how she really feels about someone. She can be very blunt and insulting, and an come off as rude.

M: They don’t like to ask for help, which can get them in a lot of trouble. When they have a problem, they either ignore it or refuse advice.

19. How do they influence the story?


Ok I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how to properly answer this question. They both influence the story more than any other characters though.

20. What do they look like?


O: Short, round face, short black hair, brown eyes, scar on face, light brown skin, maybe a little chubby?

M: Paper white skin with unnaturally green lips, white and green hair, probably has those little anime fangs

21. What are their hobbies?


Still trying to figure this out

22. What are their ticks?


I don’t understand this question

23. Do they like children?


O: She tolerates them

M: Yes, but considering recent circumstances I wouldn’t want them near any.

24. How do they react to being around wild animals?


They can both handle themselves. Onnie would probably know what to in that situation, and Moren would just be overly confident. Neither of the would do anything stupid, if the animal is dangerous.

25. If they were given the task to prank someone, who would it be, what would they do, and would the prank work?


O: Onnie would totally prank Moren, or possibly Raech. She would be too afraid to prank anyone else. idk what she’d do though.

M: Moren’s entire existence as a demon has been pranking people because they think it’s fun.

26. Do they have any survival skills?


O: No.

M: A few, not that they need any

27. Are they more book smart or street smart?


O: Book

M: A mix of both

28. How do they get out of a difficult situation?


Answered in 12 and 18

29. Do they use their body, mind, personality or force to get what they want?


O: Mind. She would use force but alas she is tiny and unintimidating.

M: Uh? Body and mind? It’s a little hard to explain, but it’s also an important plot point.

30. What music do they enjoy?


man idk shit about music

31. How do they overcome obstacles?


I feel like I’ve already answered this

32. When faced with a difficult decision do they get stronger or break?


O: Breaks at first, but then gets stronger

M: Just gets angry idk

33. Do they have any special powers?


O: She’s an Acquiring Synthetic. She’s able to store information in her brain like a computer.

M: They’re an Unusual Synthetic. They can shape shift.

34. How do they change throughout the story?


Still working on it

35. Do they have any friends? If so, are they close knit?


Friendship is kind of an odd thing in this story, since most of it takes place after everyone has died. There are now seven characters all living in one building, and most of them don’t even get along. That being said, Moren really likes hanging out with Izzy and Kaster, and used to be best friends with Onnie.

36. How is their family life?


O: Killed by her biological father, you tell me

M: Again, idk if demons can have families

37. Are they likable?


O: Yes, she’s a cutie.

M: WELL UH it depends, they’re very interesting. I think they start as unlikeable, but you start to love them more and more.

38. Are they the hero, or anti-hero?


O: Hero

M: Pretty much everyone who isn’t Onnie is an antagonist of some sort. Maybe anti-hero pre-possession.

39. Do they make questionable choices?


O: I think most of her actions are justified.

M: Oh, definitely

40. How do they become who they are?


I think that’ll depend on the player's actions.

41. How was their childhood?


O: Her adoptive family cared about her very much.

M: Again. Demon.

42. Are they close with anyone who is going to screw them over?


O: Yes

M: Possibly

43.How do they adapt to different situations? Do they adapt at all?


Still figuring it out

44. How do they speak? Examples - Are they soft spoken, hot heated, vulgar


O: A lot of stuttering

M: They can be pretty gruff and vulgar, but like in a fun way.

45. Are they opposed to violence? 


O: I feel like she’s the kind of person who thinks “I wanna fight it” at least daily, but knows she’s pretty much useless in a fight. So idk

M: They’re not opposed to it, but wouldn’t want to stress or strain themselves over something small.

46. When is their birthday?


idk

47. Are they quick to judge?


They both are, but they try not to.

48. Do they have anything they are trying to hide from others?


O: Nnnnot really?

M: Ha. Oh yeah. I think they told Kaster though.

49. Do they act different around different people?


O: She’s the same around everyone, mostly because she doesn’t think it’s worth putting up an act.

M: They’re the same around everyone because they’re confident in who they are.

50.Do they enjoy the arts?


I don’t see either of them as being incredibly artsy.

51. Do they like science?


O: Yes

M: Sort of

52. Are they more emotional or logical?


O: She tries to be both

M: EMOTIONAL

53. How do they deal with their emotions?


I’m probably not going to answer questions like this very well, because as an autistic it’s very hard to put these things into words. Like, I know how, but I cannot phrase it at all.

54. How do they cope with sadness?


See 53. Moren doesn’t cope with anything really.

55. What is something they care about?


O: Her memories got wiped at the beginning of the series, so her major care is just her mission,  until that character development kicks in.

M: They care about other people thinking like they do, and having fun.

56. Would they die for anyone/anything?


They’re already dead

57. What do they do when they are happy?


O: Like the stereotypical autistic happy stims: flapping, infodumping, etc.

M: They get a reaaalllly big smile and a huge contagious laugh.

58. How would they come across to other characters? Examples- messy, lazy, childish, caring ect


O: Clumsy and awkward, but determined. Some might find her childish but endearing.

M: A bit messy and rude, but alright. Maybe a bit intimidating.

59. Do they have a phrase they use over and over?


O: Not that I can think of

M: They say dude a lot

60. In a crowded room are they in the corners, sides, or in the middle?


O: Corners, chilling with Raech.

M: They’d be all over the place

61. Are they comfortable being in a crowded room?


O: Not really. She would be okay for a bit, but it would overwhelm her after a while.

M: Moreso than Onnie, but not as much as Evonne.

62. How do they relax?


O: Laying in bed. She doesn’t have a blog but I’m picturing her posting shit to a tech blog or something.

M: Cooking, otherwise idk

63. Have they ever harmed anyone and regretted it? Verbally or physically?


O: She can say some insensitive things, but immediately regrets it.

M: Kinda. There's an entire plot point about this lol

64. Do they like to dance?


O: Yes

M: Hell yes

65. How do they get around their environment? Examples - horses, bike, vehicle


Their only environment is the Edifice and it’s about the size of a small school.

66. What is their pet peeve(s)?


Man idk i hate answering questions like this

67. Do they have a disability?


O: She’s autistic

M: idk if being a demon possessed by an even worse demon counts as a disability

68. How do they react to getting flowers?


O: Shit.. ok call me cringey or whatever but there is a scene where Raech and Onnie make flower crowns because blah blah trying to think positive blah and it’s actually great she loves it!

M: They…. would be confused but appreciate the offer.

69. Would they ever wear a flower crown?


See above

70. Do they like themselves?


O: Not really, but she’s getting better

M: No

71. Who do they dislike?


O: She tries not to dislike anyone, but thinks Kaster and Evonne are kinda weird.

M: They dislike anyone who disagrees with them.

72. What is their motto?


O: Keep on the sunny side.

M: Do what you want.

73. Do they have any markings on their body?


O: She has a noticeable scar on her face.

M: SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS as the incondite they have markings, but as Moren and the demon they do not.

74. Have they ever been abused?


Touchy subject

75. What is their biggest fear?


O: Losing the trust of the other Synths, losing the people she cares about.

M: Being proven wrong, the [REDACTED BC OF SPOILERS]

76. What are their goals?

O: The find and stop the incondite, to gather as much info as possible.

M: To sway others into their way of thinking.

77. How do they go about achieving their goals?


Again I feel like I’ve answered this one.

78. Do they have a fight or flight response?


O: Wants to fight, but knows that flight is the safer option.

M: Fight, but let’s be real here they'd probably still want to flee.

79. Is there someone in their life that they care about more than themselves?


O: Mpossibly..

M: It’s up to interpretation :)

80. How would they fair in zombie apocalypse?


They’re both already kinda zombies in a way.

81. Do they have any tattoos? If so, are they significant?


Nope

82. Are they good at mental math?


O: Oh absolutely yes. She’s a savant.

M: Demons don’t give a shit about math (but yea they’re pretty good at it)

83. Do they get along with others?


I feel like I’ve answered this before. I apologize if I haven’t.

84 Are they lazy?


O: No

M: Depends

85. Are they self motivated?


O: Most of the time

M: Depends

86. How do they cope with anger?


Again I feel like I’ve answered this

87. Have they ever been in a situation where they were helpless?


O: Haha yeah

M: Haha YEAH

88. Are they organized or messy?


O: Both somehow

M: Messy

89. Can they remember a lot of information at once?


O: Yes, it’s literally her Synth ability

M: Depends on how important it is to them

90. What is their occupation?


O: Acquiring Synthetic with the ability to store information

M: Unusual Synthetic with the ability to shape shift

91. Do other characters respect your OC, if so, is it out of fear? Or do they respect your OC because they like them?


Like friendship, respect is an odd thing with the main 7. For the most part, they tolerate each other at best.

92. If they were given minutes to live, what would they do? Who would they want to see and say?


Again, the whole dead thing

93. How do they deal with stress?


Another question I cannot answer

94. Do they have a more submissive or dominant personality type?


O: A little bit of both

M: Dominant

95. Do they have a pet?


Pets aren’t allowed at the Edifice.

96. Do they have a stash of weapons?


O: I feel like after the story ends, she shares Raech’s stash of swords. They are the sword gays.

M: They don’t need a weapon.

97. Where do they live? Who do they live with?


They live at the Edifice with the other Synthetics.

98. How do they calm themselves down?


Can’t answer

99. Are they co-dependent?


O: Not sure yet. She tries to be independent.

M: Technically they can’t exist without [REDACTED LOL]

100. Are they a day, or night person?

O: She seems like she should be a night owl, but she gets cranky without her sleep.

M: Day person. Nights aren’t so great for them.

[kennothythebard]

Things I’ve learned about writing DEH characters

THIS IS NOT A GUIDE BY ANY MEANS THIS IS JUST SOME OBSERVATIONS AND THINGS I DO.

So while researching for and writing “A Worthy Explanation” (pls read i crave validation) I’ve noticed a lot of little things that I don’t always see mentioned in writing guides for these characters so I thought I’d point some of these out. Idk how love this is going to be so I’ll prolly put a cut here.

General

I like to create kind of a “loneliness chart” and graph the kids on it (looks kinda like those political alignment things). On one axis theres introverted vs. extroverted, and on the other theres like polite vs. rude I guess? But in summary: Evan is introverted polite, Jared is extroverted rude, Alana is extroverted polite, Connor is introverted rude, and Zoe... is just kinda generally lonely. Where she falls really depends on what’s going on with her (but she typically is a less extreme introverted rude than Connor).

Obviously each character has their own faults, but I often see these faults viewed quite selectively, see “cinnamon roll evan” and “fucking larry” for two very different examples of this phenomenon. Evan is not perfect and always trying to be nice, and Larry is not a super abusive parent who deserves no happiness in this life. They’re both complex and it’s hard to let go of our misconceptions to write truer to the characters (e.g. I really, Really don’t like Larry. I see him as a lousy father who just kind of chose to be “the strict one” but does nothing but criticize and dole out punishment, ignoring his kids any other time), but that’s an important part of deh, is that people aren’t always what we perceive them to be.

Evan

Evan is often viewed as like a cinnamon roll, but in act 2 especially Evan gets mean. Like, he’s dismissive and rude and angry and just a jerk. Evan can be just as bad if not worse than some of the “angrier” characters

Ppl often talk about his lying as his biggest character flaw, but I’d argue that most of the lying we see in the show just stems from the one lie which he was kinda forced to make bc he was in a bad place (i mean, thats pretty much the entire point of awe).

The character flaw that I don’t see discussed enough is that he’s ashamed of his mental illness. He’d rather pretend it’s not there, even when it impacts every part of his life. He doesn’t do the letters the way his therapist assigned them, he’s apprehensive towards medication and stops taking it, and basically feeds into his self-destructive tendencies, arguing his mother sees his as “broke” or something to be fixed.

Jared

I love writing Jared

There’s already a lot about what a complex character he is and stage directions, but one thing that most people notice is his actions frequently contradict his words. Take the sincerely me reprise at the start of act 2. Why would he try to insert himself into the narrative at this point? What good would that do at this point? When evan dismisses him he gets annoyed and defensive. He says that he can’t do anything until Monday because he’s hanging with his camp friends (whom he claims are his “real friends,” a term he will later ascribe to himself regarding Evan in Good For You), and when Evan dismisses him again he tries to offer to help with the kickstarter, but is quickly shot down once more by Evan. Despite what seems to be a natural ending place in the conversation, he insists on continuing to talk with Evan, and when Evan cuts him off again he becomes rude and slightly threatening. This happens over the course of maybe three minutes and it’s one of the most insightful scenes to jared’s character

When writing a canon-compliant Jared, his actions and thoughts should conflict with his words. He cares about Evan but he’d never say that out loud (in more canon-compliant fics), and it hurts when he’s pushed away, which he responds to with anger.

Zoe

Zoe is one of the most difficult characters to write, imo.

She’s often portrayed in a slightly sweeter, saccharine way in fanon as just like a fun, silly girl who is just a tad sarcastic, but really you can tell that she’s Connor’s brother. She’s angry, blunt, unafraid of speaking her mind, etc. Yes, she is funny and kinda sarcastic, but her sarcasm isn’t always of the funny variety. She’s obviously angry at her parents, but this often comes across as a “doesn’t love them” variety of anger when her real feelings seem to be much more complex. 

Basically, I’m still learning a lot about writing her but I think just like the other kids she’s a little lonely, so Evan comes along and he’s there and that’s enough for her. She has such a wide range of emotions that I don’t feel are always accurately represented, even by me. (especially by me)

Alana

Hella, hella lonely. Covers it up by talking to people and doing extracurriculars. Sure, “college apps” is her excuse for why she does so much, but it’s not the real reason. If she keeps busy, she doesn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. But at the same time she has similar fears to Evan about people seeing the worst of her. “Close acquaintances” seems to be a statement about how little she makes friends, but I also see it as a defense mechanism. If she remains “close acquaintances” with people, she’ll never have to be their friend and they’ll never have to see the worst of her.

She’s cheerful and annoying, but in the way that pisses high schoolers off. Like, we all knew that one kid who was just way way too nice, and most of us were like “yeah ok they’re pretty cool i guess” but like some people just hated their positivity. It also doesn’t help that she tries to insert herself in situations she hasn’t been invited in, and does some questionable things to help her accomplish her goals. (Evan/Alana contrast: Evan does questionable things to accomplish internal goals, Alana does them to accomplish external goals)

Gets easily distracted. Forgets to sign Evan’s cast in scene 1. Her mind has a million different thoughts at any given moment. It wouldn’t be out of line to headcanon ADHD Alana (some of the things she does reminds me of the things I do when I forget my meds).

Connor

?????

We don’t see a lot to really get a huge insight into his personality. We know he was angry and had some serious mental illness.

We also know that he could recognize when he went too far and would go out of his way to make amends. (Why was he in the computer lab? Why did he sign Evan’s cast?) He may recognize a kindred spirit in Evan.

Clearly he doesnt hate his family (he goes to school despite not wanting to go, and seeing Zoe’s name is what sets him off showing possible concern), and it would not surprise me to learn that he thought his family would be better and happier without him. He clearly has intense emotions and reactions even to things that might seem minuscule or inconsequential. When writing him in canon, I think of a rubber band stretched too tight, and any characters action could loosen or tighten the pulling.

Heidi

Such an emotional character, I nearly break my own heart when I’m trying to writer her.

Theres two odd kind of paradoxes in a parent-child relationship like that between Heidi and Evan. For Heidi, the paradox is that the more she wants to do for Evan, the less she can actually be there for him. For Evan, he wants his mother to succeed and loves her so much that he might even encourage her to not worry about him or spend time with him, but then resents that she’s never there. Or at least when he meets a mother who can provide and be there.

Heidi pretty much worries herself sick over Evan. Evan comes before everything else in her life, and so it’s easy for her to feel like she failed him, which is a huge reason for her intense reaction in Good for you: evan has just confirmed her fears that she’s failed him.

Heidi tries so hard, but she isn’t perfect. She’s clearly very sensitive about money or about Evan’s father, and this sensitivity can easily change to anger or passive-aggressiveness. She has deep insecurities that we may never see or fully comprehend.

Cynthia

Mom. like shes completely a mom. like, “can i speak to your manager?” type mom.

Loves her kids and tries to be supportive but struggles communicating with two very headstrong, sarcastic kids

she probably wouldn’t say this, but takes connor’s death very personally. wonders why he would do this to her 

Is desperate for her children to listen and understand her. Which Evan is more than willing to do.

A little bit selfish? Like, thinks about what will make her better rather than accepting everybody grieves differently

Larry

Fucking larry. I don’t like him and he’s the hardest character for me to write.

Ok since I made such a big deal about it in the intro i’ll try to be nicer than id normally be

A masculine archetype. Sports dad, wants sports son, which Connor isn’t

He’s got some really ableist/misogynistic tendencies that causes the intense demonization of him in the fanon but I mean... he could be worse i guess? (that’s literally the best i can say about that so yeah i dont like him at all)

Really just oblivious. Completely ignored Connor’s need for help, does not know how to read a room, you could say he frequently has a foot in his mouth if it weren’t so intentional.

I mean...probably a good guy if you can get past all that stuff? just really, really self absorbed.

yikes that was long. Again, not really a guide, just some things I think about when writing these characters. if you read this far at all thank you for indulging me this much.

[literaphobe]

where did ginaxrosa shipping start? and why? (not that i am against it but i just... never considered!?! it)

gina x rosa shipping started because Gina is the driving force behind 80% of Rosa's laughs and 98% of Rosa's smiles.

And when Rosa smiles because of Gina-related reasons, there's a softer touch to those smiles, and they're I-can't-help-but-smile smiles.

Gina can get Rosa to laugh her head off. Big, genuine laughs that make Rosa's head tilt up. Like when Gina tossed a stapler at Charles (2x22 cold open)

Gina and Rosa are different people but have things in common that draw them to each other. Like how they're both people you don't want to cross. Gina and Rosa are scary and you don't want to mess with them. Gina uses her words and spirit, Rosa gives you one look and you know she could beat you up and you'll thank her.

This scariness that Rosa and Gina have are what makes them so evenly matched. They won't back down from a fight, ever, but weirdly you see them letting each other get away with stuff that they'd castrate someone else for.

For example, remember when Rosa almost murdered Hitchcock and Scully because they stole her moose tracks ice cream????

Guess what happened in thanksgiving episode 1x10. It's not blatantly obvious, but Gina's holding (and assumably, drinking) coffee from a cup clearly labeled 'ROSA'. And Rosa does nothing.

Gina and Rosa are also shown to have a special, deeper kind of bond that we see through several (albeit occasionally subtle) instances.

Whenever Gina's being Gina- see 1x16 and 2x07, Rosa's being made to babysit and stop her from freaking people out/stealing/talking to people at parties. This could mean one or even both of two things:

1) Only Rosa can handle Gina because everyone else is too weak to go against her- ergo they are evenly matched

2) People know that Rosa's the person Gina will most likely listen to- alluding to their deeper connection and understanding of each other

Another show of Gina and Rosa's deeper connection is how they're often on the same side. They like to judge, make fun of, and bully people together. They also seem to enjoy standing/sitting next to each other, (sometimes way too close more than they need to be eg. charges and specs 1x22) both of them crossing their arms (mirroring each other, which is like a couple thing/i'm-attracted-to-you thing)

They've also teamed up to solve Holt's island riddle together and protested against turkey murder together. They also locked amy in the boot of a car- and walked off together laughing

They also really care about each other, for example when Rosa was being all guilty knowing she was prob going to have to shoot Charles down in 1x13 and hiding Gina NOTICED that Rosa was hiding away and even asked her why with a pretty confused/concerned looking face. Also, when Rosa got sick Gina prepared a pretty elaborate care package for her so she would get well (and please Gina who you tryna play here acting like Terry paid u/if he really did pay u pls putting the care package together prob took more money than the $20 you claimed Terry gave you)

AND THEN Rosa proceeded to smile so widely all touched by what Gina did for her!!!

And Gina put Rosa in her WILL if that doesn't say "you're important to me" idk what is. And the fact that those two jaguars making love is prob a representation of them is something else altogether

Rosa cares about Gina too, duh. But Rosa's care comes more in the form of protectiveness, like when she placed her arm behind Gina ensuring she got out of the room safely before Rosa when the turkey got loose and tried to attack them. Rosa also put in a lot of security measures in place when Gina got robbed (although amy was involved too and Holt told them Gina was scared, but lbr Rosa's protect-gina instincts got turned on full blast when she found out Gina was scared did you hear the conviction in her voice when she said "we are (going to keep you safe)"????)

Speaking of the turkey, Gina and Rosa get each other. When they protested against the turkey murder and Rosa saw Gina about to flip everyone off she joined right in. They know each other pretty well too. Gina knows Rosa's likes (old movies, someone called 'the vulture', etc.) and dislikes, and she can very accurately interpret what a Rosa action means. (Like when Rosa said 'bye' to Marcus)

Also, Gina and Rosa seem to show interest in each other.

Like when Gina accidentally texted "sup Rosa" to Amy and that was in 2009 when she first joined the nine nine as civilian administrator so obviously Gina was trying to hit on Rosa and has prob been flirting with Rosa for eight years.

Part of their interest in each other includes attraction of course. In the episode where they let Gina interrogate a perp, Rosa looks overly interested in watching Gina forcefully question the perp and even when captain Holt wants to stop Gina Rosa doesn't want it to stop. Also when Rosa unveils her sword in 3x23 as torture equipment Gina looks very turned on no offense

Also Gina is very obviously jealous of Adrian. She only started acting hostile towards him after Rosa started dating him, and please be reminded that this is the same Gina that didn't even put her phone down when Adrian held a knife to Jake, her childhood bestie and oldest friend's throat.

But Adrian dates Rosa and suddenly it's "screw you adrian you're not allowed to stay at Charles's house" and "oh yeah ur right Adrian listen to the universe you should totally not marry Rosa!!" And the day before/on the day he was supposed to marry Rosa Gina doesn't even let Adrian have candy wow Rude

After Rosa's bachelorette party, Gina elopes with some cashier (prob a lady) and it's likely that she was trying to escape from reality bc running away with someone you just met (although Gina was drunk) is not something you do if you're super happy your friend is engaged, no matter how drunk you are, and no matter how Gina you are

Finally: Babylon

Dude if "has secret bathroom they don't tell anyone about that they work super hard on to make nice" doesn't scream "domESTIC" to you then idk what to say mate

(Also Rosa bringing Gina to Babylon for the first time bc Gina got sick is another example of how Rosa cares about Gina!!!)

Besides the implications of sharing a secret private place, Gina has a very violent reaction when Rosa wants to tell Boyle about Babylon (and Rosa asking Gina about it beforehand is like- wife asking wife for permission to bring friend over to house), and wants to keep it a private thing between the both of them

"Babylon's our secret place! It's the best thing in my life." -if this doesn't touch u even a little idk what will

I get why some people might not ship gina x rosa just by watching the show. Some of this stuff is put across in pretty subtle ways, and the things they say/know about each other aren't always treated as a big deal by the show/are throwaway lines. Some things you see between Gina and Rosa like the coffee thing and the putting hand on back thing is something you can only catch by pausing the episode at the right time. Also many Rosa laughs/smiles in response to something Gina does or says is usually in the background, and you may not catch it if you aren't paying attention to the squad's reactions to each other

Are we grasping for straws when we ship gina x rosa? No we r not they r perfect but also the show needs to give us more gina x rosa because this is a ship that has so much potential

Chelsea Peretti and Stephanie Beatriz seem to be putting in effort to make gina x rosa work with their acting so not shipping it = ur not appreciating Stephanie taking the effort to smile so tenderly at stuff Chelsea says as Gina

AND Jake/Amy are a pretty stable couple now, so it's definitely in your interest to start devoting your heart to gina x rosa too!! Why let one ship slay you when you can let two ships slay you

TL;DR- Gina and Rosa would make the perfect power couple that rules over the Nine-Nine which can nicely balance out cinnamon roll couple Jake and Amy! Sign up to be a gina x rosa shipper today!! All we want in exchange is your soul!!

[itsclydebitches]

She's the kind to be like "i'll kill for you", it's all fun and games until she actually means and/or does it. I'm assuming it's the same if not similar in the books? it's just so annoying to see a character treat everyone, including the man she is supposed to be in love with like shit and have it just be "well that just makes her a good mum" like idk this kind of devotion isn't healthy for her or Ciri either.

I read a lot of posts all over talking about yen and why people do and don't like her and it's all "you have to get past the cold rude arrogant outside to learn deep down she does care", or there was this one said people take what she says as who she is over what she does, as if she isn't saying AND doing terrible things, but there was this other one that was "actions don't define you as a person" that was a fucking ride to read through.

Anyway I'm just kinda miffed cause I went in to this trying really hard and wanting to like yen but she's so unlikable it's crazy. Maybe if her first few scenes weren't her being rude to Geralt for no real reason (and that snark about him and amnesia like BRO??) there wouldve been something to build off? Idkkkk

tysm for letting me talk about this! there's still so much within the series to look at and I adore it. apart from some things lmao BUT as with everything, there'll be bits you really just hate I guess.

You kidding? I love chatting about all this! XD

From what I've read myself and encountered elsewhere (I've gotten a lot of snippets from the later books as fans post excerpts for various arguments) Yen is a bit more complex in the novels than she's presented in TW3, especially depending on which dialogue options you choose. I mean, it's eight books. There are absolutely moments where I've gone, "Oh yeah, that's cute/sensible/romantic/heroic/etc." of her. She'd have to be a pretty static character to have that much content and not produce those reactions at least some of the time. That being said... she's definitely too similar in the books for my taste. Really, Yen was going to be an issue for me from the start, just given how her and Geralt's meeting goes in "The Last Wish." Her cruelty, brainwashing, and nearly getting him killed aside - because let's be real, an enemies to lovers-esque dynamic can be great - the wish itself always tainted their interactions for me. Yeah, yeah, I understand the theme of Geralt choosing his family regardless of what destiny or magic might say about it... but that doesn't erase that they are ambiguously bound by some kind of magic. We can read Yen's "You've condemned yourself to me" as just a lack of self-confidence, Geralt's love remaining a true thing no matter what any genies might have to say about it, but I personally can't ignore the very real, in-world, magical influence here. Every time the books discuss how often they've split, cheated on each other, fought, betrayed... but deep down they were still meant for one another, I'm thinking, "Are they? Or is that just the magical wish keeping two incompatible people tethered?" We can read them finding joy in one another despite the magic as something beautiful, or something tragic because what other choice did they have? Given how central that rocky relationship is to our protagonist's characterization and how awful Yen can be in general, yeah, she's still an acquired taste lol. She does get better later on, but how better I think depends on how you perceive her attitude at the start. Idk if you're into My Hero Academia or not, but I often compare her to Bakugo. Those who were already inclined to excuse his behavior hail the amazing growth he undergoes; those who couldn't stand him from the start (me) find the comparative improvement to still equal a pretty unlikable person. They're both undoubtedly better... but if you're starting that low, "better" won't necessarily be enough.

Oof yeah, I've seen those threads lol. One of my favorites was a discussion about whether Yen was a "bitch" or not (it also doesn't help when conversations about her character devolve into generic accusations of misogyny) and there was a response to the effect of, "Just because she's cold, judgmental, makes cruel remarks, and doesn't listen to Geralt doesn't mean..." and it's like okay, so we're just supposed to ignore all those traits - bypass them - to reach a "Yen is actually a kind person" reading? I have trouble with that lol. Honestly, the majority of my respect goes to those who are just in their fandom corners with their John Mulaney voice going, "Yen is a bitch and I love her SO MUCH." Like yeah!! I love lots of mean, awful, bitchy characters too!! There's no need to bend over backwards trying to prove they're actually a uwu poor baby whose every action was justified (outside of, you know, fandom joking like the "I've done nothing wrong ever in my life" meme). But yeah, I WANT to like her too! I don't enjoy being a part of a franchise where such a core, prominent character is someone I don't like spending time with. Who would want that?? So I've given her so many tries since getting into Witcher... and it just never sticks for me. I tried in the comics too only to come across a panel where Geralt dreams of Yen, but isn't sure if it was an actual dream, or a magical vision where they literally met. Vesemir asks if Yen was kind to him and when he responds that she was, he's like, "It was a dream lol." And yeah, that's the characterization! Geralt knows he didn't actually meet with Yen because the real Yen wouldn't have been that nice to him. And it's not in a funny "My real lover ALWAYS teasingly insults me as an act of kindness!" way but a much more literal, "Yeeeaaah. Yen just isn't that nice a person most of the time" and the examples we can point to when she is kind don't outweigh/erase everything else for me. In TW3 at least, she's very much the kind of person who will, completely seriously, blame you for getting amnesia. And you know the best part? She had it too! Not only that, but she actually recovers her memories earlier than Geralt and never looked for him and you also learn in the second game that she had a relationship with another guy while trying to remember who she was... so the fact that she's pissed at Geralt for going through the exact same thing (not seeking her out/relationship with Triss - only Triss was actively seducing him, so) is just wild to me.

But yeah, TW3 is a MASSIVE game that deliberately plays with different choices and perspectives. To say nothing of its "Life is hard and people need to be harder" worldbuilding. It would be a miracle if we liked every single thing in it lol. Like, Blood and Wine is probably my favorite bit of gaming ever and yet I just fundamentally disagree with CDPR's idea of a happy ending there. For both the main questline and a particular side quest the game goes, "This one is the correct choice ;)" and I'm like, "Lol not to my mind I'll take one of the 'bad' endings thanks!" Yen is just another example of that. The game clearly wants us to like her - she and Geralt are canon in the source material - but giving us the ability to decide who Geralt is means that we might just go, "Nope. Sorry. This 'correct' choice is one I'm passing by."

[spinneryesteryear]

Spinner plays FFXIV Heavensward

SPOILERS AHOY

- I made sure to unlock and lvl DRG before starting HW because reasons

- I… don’t really understand why people love Foulques so much? I can only presume it’s because they find him attractive

- at first I wondered why the lancers’ guild quests emphasized courage so much, but once you realize lancer upgrades to dragoon it all makes sense: they’re training the absolute maniacs who jump headfirst at DRAGONS; of course they’re going to emphasize courage

- the literal first thing I did as a dragoon after getting my soul crystal and the jump action was to launch myself into an AOE so clearly I’m playing my job right

- the drama between Alberic and Estinien was the only reason I made it through the 2.1 - 2.3 slog, tbh

- I picked up GLD/PLD somewhere in there, too, but the GLD quests weren’t exactly riveting and the PLD quests weren’t any better. I was just biding my time for DRK

- meanwhile I had hit like lvl 62 on WHM thanks to running lots of roulettes with Adventurer in Need: Healer so I’d switch to that while wandering through a lot of the HW regions so the mobs wouldn’t attack me. I did the HW story on DRG but ran dungeons as WHM the first time bc it’s my comfort role. 

- I’m… still not sure exactly how to do the mechanics on the Steps of Faith. Whoops. Fortunately, all but once I was WHM when I got it in roulette and I could just heal/spam Holy. The exception was on DRG and I just kinda… derped around killing what adds I could.

- those cutscenes at the end of 2.5, though. Dude. Duuuuuuude.

- it did give us Pipin Tarupin, however, and he is Best Lala.

- So, like… what exactly did Ysayle expect would happen when she broke Ishguard’s magic wards and opened it to assault by hordes of dragons??She seems genuinely regretful of the innocent lives lost when spoken to in the MSQ later in HW proper, but when she actually did the deed she was channeling ‘deranged witch’ for all it was worth and talking about how the sons should pay for the sins of their fathers. Did this incident give her a rude awakening about the Dravanian desire for vengeance?? Idk, maybe further quests will explain this.

—– me: *just arrives in Ishgard*

—– me: *taking the grand tour of the city*

—– me: *notices mob near cathedral, inquires about it, learns about recent violent death of heretic*

—– me: *finds heretic corpse*

—– me: *derails grand tour of Ishgard by slaughtering my way through the streets and through various chapels, laughing maniacally as I enjoy the greater reach of my brand-new greatsword and spam Unleash*

—– me, standing amid the broken corpses of a few dozen temple knights: Count Fortemps is probably gonna regret letting me into this city.

- that one dude in Camp Cloudtop who’s entirely too obsessed with the menu deserves to be booted off his lookout platform. I’ll even rescue him via flying mount before he splatters on the ground (however far down the ground happens to be, idk), but I really want to kick him off at least once. He gave me far too many fetch quests and my inner Fray is disgruntled, to say the least.

- me, just trying to make my way across the map: WILL EVERYTHING IN COERTHAS STOP CHASING ME???

- other people think the gaelicats are too cute to kill them. I, however, just want to kill them all the more. I’d be perfectly content to leave the mobs alone and continue on my merry way, but, nooooooo, they have to attack me. So I respond in savage kind.

- me, doing sidequest chains and getting mildly attached to extremely minor characters: So, I kinda ship Ayleth and Saintrelmaux now…

- ever since I unlocked it, I get Dusk Vigil all the time in lvling roulette so I’m now an expert on ice age megafauna, undead knights, and murderous griffins of the non-Sloppeh type

- Ravana is my fave HW primal, hands down, and his theme is definitely among my fave primal music. I would say it’s my absolute fave (I have listened to it on repeat for hours at a time, but I’ve done that with other music, so it’s not conclusive evidence) but it has stiff competition in the form of the Ultima theme, Leviathan’s theme, and the Knights of the Round theme.

- going on a life-changing field trip with Alphinaud, Estinien, and Ysayle was amazing. All we needed was Zuko.

- far too many side quests in Tailfeather. Far too many. And that one quest chain ended up with the poor dude’s pet baby chocobo as chicken tenders? If I didn’t hate chickens so much IRL that would have been super painful.

- the moogle quests required to progress the MSQ weren’t that bad. The sheer amount of moogle sidequests needed to unlock flying for that zone and their beast tribe quests, however…. well, I’m completely on board now with any plans Sidurgu might have for utter moogle genocide.

- lol, the moogles were about to give us more chores to do but Estinien’s sheer murderous rage panicked their chieftain into sending us on our way. I love him. (Estinien, that is. Not the moogles. I love to hate them.)

- Estinien is just… I love him so much. It’s more than his armor. It’s more than his jumps. It’s more than his sass and swearing. No stereotypical elf qualities to be found here, folks. Honestly, he could give some elves from The Silmarillion a run for their money, with even his own equivalent of Angband PTSD post-Nidhogg. I also immensely love that he’s a character on a power level similar to the WoL. (I don’t actually enjoy the main character being the most powerful person in the world, without equal. I like someone else being better in at least some ways and that being okay.) Heck, when possessed by Nidhogg he’s the final boss of the expansion + patches. And he lives. (Which is in itself a pretty powerful moment and Alphinaud and the WoL’s desire to save him lifts the whole plot point/theme into something more sublime. It would have been easy to kill him regretfully, both from a Watsonian and a Doylist perspective. The devs had no problems throwing painful deaths at us in this expansion. But we took the harder route. And it was worth it.)

- low-key painful Heavensward moments (bc heavens know there’s enough high-key painful moments): Alberic is extremely worried about his adopted son, whom he last saw nearly possessed by a dragon’s millennium’s worth of hate and rage, and who then vanished in an explosion, but he can’t do anything about it so instead he helps another retired dragoon worry about his own missing daughter

- ngl there was some red herring foreshadowing that the primal Archbishop Thordan planned to summon was actually Halone, the Fury, Goddess of Justice and Patroness of Ishgard. Which would have been badass. But I’m pretty sure Square Enix is going the Dragon Age route of never confirming/denying the presence of the Maker with their Twelve, Halone included, so I deemed it unlikely even as I secretly hoped. A lot of players probably missed these fake hints and would wonder what I’m even talking about. 

- I couldn’t even get mad about all the bad things that happened during the Vault because the characters were juggling Idiot Balls. (1) Aymeric thought his father, who has been consorting with Ascians and plans to summon a primal, could be reasoned with. (2) Aymeric went alone to go reason with him and was correspondingly captured and tortured. (3) We fought three of the twelve Heaven’s Ward in the Vault itself and NO ONE APPARENTLY QUESTIONED WHERE THE OTHER NINE WERE. Plus, said three have clearly already been tempered and are feeding off primal energy for their second forms, even if the mechanics are unknown. Those without the Echo should have promptly skedaddled after rescuing Aymeric. (4) After a dungeon full of ambush mobs, no one thought to secure the little airship landing behind the Vault before arguing with Archbishop Thordan. In Ishgard, city of verticality with its gravity-defying dragoons, personal airplanes, and millennium-long war against flying dragons. Everyone involved should have thought to check the nearby roofs for hostiles. Am I seriously the only person who has ever thought tactically about this situation??? (5) The WoL and Haurchefant rush forward to delay the Archbishop, again without considering the whereabouts of the rest of his presumably also tempered bodyguards or whether any hostiles remain in the building behind us. And so events happened as they did.

- Regula van Hydrus has a cool name and a cool silhouette with that helmet. Better than Varis, anyway. 

- the Vundu are probably my fave HW beast tribe. The moogles are the crafting tribe so Imma do them anyway (and have fun tricking them into doing work) but I’m actually looking forward to the Vundu. I’m just benevolently apathetic towards the Gnath.

- I just, like… did not care about Azys Lla in the slightest. It was more Allagan BS and I hated the map. (I still don’t have it fully explored??? What am I doing??) The ‘terms and conditions’ bit with the node was amusing, but… the entire place got old almost immediately. Finding Tiamat and talking to her with Midgardsormr was the only high point.

- why isn’t there an option to have Hrasevelgr come and talk to Tiamat to persuade her to abandon her self-chosen imprisonment??? Or to have Estinien later come and talk to her to possibly give her Nidhogg’s perspective? Bc I think Nidhogg would have some insight into her situation, definitely. She summoned elder primal Bahamut out of grief at his loss, while Nidhogg launched a millennium-long war out of grief at Ratatoskr’s loss, and now they’ve both abandoned their vengeance. 

- ARF TILL YOU BARF

- idk, man, the Aetherochemical Research Facility is such a weird conglomerate of things for a dugneon. Firstly, you got Allagan tech and machines. Then you got mutant creatures the Allagans made (bc, if it was mad science, then the Allagans were all over it). Then you got Ascians, evil ghosty dudes who laugh evilly and throw standard Evil Ascian Attacks at you before doing the fusion dance from Dragonball Z and becoming a Giant Evil Ascian. Igeyhorm has a feminine voice but is she(?) actually female or is she just presumably possessing a female body? Do Ascians have gender or do they even care about such things? (I am very much Not Thinking about Solus/Emet-Selch reproducing here.) 

- Archbishop Thordan reveals the millennium-old, perfectly preserved corpse of Haldrath, the original Thordan’s dragoon son, with NIDHOGG’S OTHER EYE FUSED INTO THE CORPSE’S CHEST, and, like, no one really comments on it in- or out-of-universe???? What happened??? Haldrath gave up the throne, apparently because he wasn’t 100% on board with his dad’s treachery against Ratatoskr and consequent decision to kill all dragons to maintain power. Dragoons were apparently already a thing at this point (HC: to combat the voidsent infesting Abalathia’s Spine and the mountains between Coerthas and Gridania, e.g. Witches’ Drop), so what happened to Haldrath? Is this explained somewhere and I missed it??? Did Nidhogg hijack his mind? Estinien had Nidhogg’s eyes (both of them, incidentally, which Haldrath didn’t have to deal with) fused to his arm & shoulder but Haldrath had an eye fused to his chest. To his HEART. What happened.

- And then Archbishop Thordan somehow turns Haldrath’s corpse + armor + Nidhogg’s eye into a sword, the primal version of presumably Ascalon, King Thordan’s sword, somehow designing it to eat primal/Ascian aether. And then he kills Lahabrea, which, no great loss there. But it leaves my questions unanswered.

- Thordan + Knights of the Round is such a cool trial, I love it to death and not because it’s easy. It could be as hard as Nidhogg Normal and I’d still love it. I wish I had a static with whom I could do Thordan Ex and other more complicated content.

- finishing that fight and the cutscenes after, however… man, I didn’t know how to feel. I was screaming internally and torn in at least three different directions. Couldn’t get through the patch content fast enough to fight Nidhogg.

- had to fight Raubahn as DRG to represent my decimated Knights Dragoon brethren and my missing possessed dragoon brother and restore their honor. I’m also 100% convinced Raubahn learned of Ifrit’s nail trick and decided, “I can totally do that with Tizona.”

- has Aymeric ever done a dragoon jump? No? Then he’s not a real Azure Dragoon even if he has a nice color scheme and has ridden a dragon. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if he can do a dragoon jump (he’s survived years as Estinien’s friend somehow, and I can’t help but imagine he’s dragged Estinien off more than one rooftop), but until he does it I’m not budging on this. 

- Aymeric getting stabbed by a rando with a pocketknife and nearly dying was (1) surprisingly realistic and (2) made him look wimpy next to all the punishment so many of the other characters take without dying. Sorry, man. It had to be said. I love you, Aymeric, but still.

- standing there on the Final Steps of Faith, on the broken bridge to the Gate of Judgment, staring down Nidhogg while that beautiful music plays (TELL ME WHY BREAK TRUST, WHY TURN THE PAST TO DUST) and waiting for the queue to pop… that was a powerful emotion unlike any other. Stormblood couldn’t match it.

- Nidhogg is such a fun fight because it’s still hard and I hate that I don’t get it in trial roulette more often. (Trial roulette is my favorite, actually. I love almost all trials - with the notable exception of the Chrysalis bc everyone runs around like chickens with their heads cut off on it and rages in chat, and with the possible exception of non-Final Steps of Faith.) Akh Morn is still a killer, I sometimes just want to watch bodies hit the floor, and Final Chorus is such a badass moment even as we’re all dodging for our puny lives. We’re fighting Bahamut’s brother. 

- Estinien takes advantage of Nidhogg’s temporary aether depletion to regain enough control over his body to try to kill himself before being used to wreak any more havoc. Estinien survived weeks, possibly months of possession via ancient angry dragon, and having two giant dragon eyeballs embedded in his body and feeding him enormous amounts of foreign aether. Estinien survived his body being aetherically remade into the shape of an enormous dragon and then into a giant dragon-man hybrid. Estinien survived the Warrior of Light. IMHO he doesn’t get enough credit for this. 

- do u ever wonder about Hraesvelgr and Estinien later meeting and Hraesvelgr identifying the spirit of his brother lingering within Estinien? Bc I think a lot of us have headcanon’d that Estinien is not as free of Nidhogg as one might think, what with his red fiery aura in SB and all. On the other hand… some of us further theorize that Estinien can’t be tempered now, so he could help us fight primals. It’d be awesome.

[itsclydebitches]

So I've really just gotten to skellige and I really don't like yennifer lmaooo, like she stole this mask right? and from what little information my brain retained, it's important/dangerous, she shouldn't have and had no right to? and it's really shitty to. and she forces Geralt into helping her steal it. and she ignores any other options as they take longer than 'now'. I totally get we're looking for Ciri and need to find her asap but like, she's been okay so far? She's been holding her own so far? I could be wrong and we could find her bleeding to death but like,,, I don't think caring for your family excuses your rude, desrespectful and entitled behavior?

My perspective precisely, anon. Outside of fans just enjoying a takes no shit, does what she wants, screw others in the name of her family character (which is cool. Fiction exists to explore all types) that's the only solid justification I've ever seen for Yen's actions in TW3: time is of the essence and she needs to find her daughter. Which, idk if you've followed any of my RWBY stuff, but that's the same basic reasoning behind the group's airship theft, that any and all atrocities are justified in the name of doing something that, they assume, needs to be done now. I didn't like that warped logic then and I still don't like it now. Yen admittedly doesn't have our knowledge about Ciri's whereabout and current doings - she doesn't know she's holding her own so far - but that, to my mind, still doesn't excuse the extreme lengths she goes to throughout the Skellige arc when, as far as she also knows, she doesn't have to. This isn't a matter of knowing precisely what's going on and realizing that such extreme measures are indeed the only option available to her (because, uh, things will get a lot worse than just stealing and using the mask, and that was already pretty bad lol), but rather a matter of assuming the worst and using that as a catch-all excuse for anything she might want to do.

Which, again, a lot of fans find inspiring, heroic, a sign of true motherly devotion. Yen will do anything for Ciri. How wonderful! But for me, personally, that's not wonderful. Not when Yen has other options available to her. This isn't a Molly Weasley "Not my daughter, you bitch" situation where she's actively defending Ciri against an immediate, obvious threat. This is her just leaving a path of harm in her wake because nothing else can compare to the possibility that Ciri might need immediate assistance. Ciri's possible future is worth more to her than others' current reality. Yen's the sort of character who would let the world burn for her and while yeah, that kind of devotion is nice on the one hand, I'm inclined to be... less than comfortable with that disregard for everyone else's culture, comfort, and safety.

Really, Ciri is the cornerstone of much of Yen's characterization. Since you've watched almost all of the show, you know about the whole wanting a child plotline and accepting Ciri as her adoptive daughter is a major moment of growth for Yen. My problem is how easily that love is used as a means of dismissing Yen's other flaws. When I first started posting about Witcher and made my personal feelings about her clear, a lot of fans pushed back against my discomfort with Yen's actions throughout the franchise. And I can't tell you how many conversations boiled down to:

Me: Yen treats Geralt horribly. She's not a particularly kind person and I'm not into that.

Them: How can you say that? She adores Ciri! She's the best mom ever!

Me: What does Yen being a devoted mother have to do with her being shitty to Geralt?

Yen clearly loves Ciri - and in TW3 its to quite the extreme - and that love is often used as a catch-all defense against the idea that Yen could be cruel to anyone else. But it's often because she loves Ciri that she's cruel to everyone else. Treating others well - whether we're talking about not stealing a powerful mask, or just listening to Geralt's displeasure at these actions (if you go those dialogue routes) - simply don't matter. Strangers and even Geralt's feelings will never be more important than Ciri's safety, regardless of whether Yen knows she's in immediate danger or not. Which is then added to the idea that Yen's big actions (like, say, saving someone's life) outweigh how she treats them on the daily which I'm... also not a fan of. I hate pointing out how cruel Yen's dialogue can be only to get, "Yeah, but she'd die for them" as a counter. Or an explanation that functions as an excuse: "Yeah, but she had a hard life/doesn't believe in the Gods/Sorceresses are just Like That/etc." As if all of Yen's behavior is forever excused because because we can understand why she's reached that point in her characterization, but few are willing to consider that maybe this should... change? To be clear, I don't think she's OOC, it's just that I'm always surprised by the number of fans who consider her characterization something to uphold, rather than looking at this character and going, "Yeeeeaaah there's a ton of problems there, yikes." Idk, call me crazy, but a generic "She loves Ciri and loves Geralt they were destined to be a family!" really doesn't mean much in the face of, say, watching her refuse to explain her dangerous, disrespectful plans because she clearly doesn't care enough about Geralt's opinion to consider changing them. Witcher as a franchise banks a lot on Big Themes that, to my mind, aren't particularly persuasive when pit against what we actually see the characters doing. Which, incidentally, is my same problem with the Jaskier/Geralt dynamic in the show. The meta understanding that Geralt is destined (from a writing perspective) to care deeply for Jaskier doesn't stand much chance against watching him ignore him, punch him, insult his career, drive him off, etc. And even Big Moments like getting him help after the genie don't feel like they mean much because... that's such a low bar to me. He sought medical help when someone was dying? So what! I'd do that for someone I hated. The bare minimum of human decency isn't evidence of true care. If a story wants me to believe that characters love one another (romantically or otherwise), I need to be shown that, not just told it. And in TW3 incredibly little of Yen's interactions with Geralt come across as loving to me.

Does all this make for a fascinating character? Absolutely. Does it make for a character I personally like and want to spend time with, especially in a medium where I have a certain amount of control over the story? Not at all lol.