#as emotionally and mentally unavailable as ever so. video game

[twothpaste]

Sorry if this sounds a bit dumb, but what is Claus’s relationship with Porky in your Intermission AU? How do they view each other and how did they stand and how are they currently standing with each other. I read that part of the fic where Porky goes to Ness and Paula’s apartment and made a scene there and it feels like that’s where Claus is done with him and their. “Friendship”

Aw, man, these two are an absolute trainwreck! Claus n' Porky's relationship was one of the things that sparked the whole AU, truth be told. This premise of taking fantastical events from the games, and translating them into grounded experiences young people often go through irl... What if instead of Porky converting Claus into a brainwashed cyborg supersoldier, the whole thing was literally just an abusive friendship? That's basically the first fic in a nutshell. The more I wrote and thought about it though, the more intricate and sad and harrowing it got. I have so much rattling around in my head about these two, and it's been oozing out of my ears like Cheez Whiz for a year and a half 🫠. I'll put the charcuterie board below the cut:

Intermission Claus and Porky have a lot more in common than you'd expect (I think this is true in canon, too, but that's a whole other post). They were both outta place college freshmen, masking their insecurities with overconfident edgelord personas. They shared a lot of the same interests (video games, Reddit, misinterpreting messages about toxic masculinity in Berserk and Fight Club). They've got a lot of similar baggage, worst of all. Broken families, woes over their emotionally unavailable fathers, mental health problems that sometimes alienate them from their loved ones… Porky appealed to Claus' broken ego, making this guilt-ridden once-neglected kid feel exclusively cool and smart and valued. Porky, an always-neglected kid (with no fucking friends), absolutely relished Claus' earnest company and undivided attention. You'd almost think it could've been good for them. Havin' a mutual confidant to vent their frustrations to, bonding through genuine solidarity. But since Porky is Porky, he doesn't know how to maintain friendships without being a possessive megalomaniac about it. And since Claus is naive and impressionable by nature, he fell for it hook line n' sinker.

He coaxed Claus away from his other friends. Gradually got this dude parroting his vernacular and his bullheaded attitude. Which, of course, made Ness n' pals less willing to put up with Claus. "You're practically my double," Porky might've joked. N' Claus wouldda laughed it up, mistaking it for praise. Porky takes advantage of Claus' emotional volatility. He can rile him up into tirades, or flip him into horrific dissociative states, at a moment's notice. Instead of cybernetic mind-control, it's all the weird ways abusers isolate victims, and re-wire their personality and behavior. Most abusers don't exactly do this stuff consciously - and it's obviously just as unacceptable whether it's conscious or not - but I kinda wanna leave Porky's manipulation up to reader interpretation. Is he deliberately pulling strings like a puppetmaster, here? Does he think that's what he's doing? Or is he blindly channeling his parents' behavior, since it's all he's ever known? Maybe all of the above…

There's all these miserable layers to it, like?? How Porky's vendetta against Ness provoked the whole thing. (He drove his first and last best friend away in middle school, never got over it, and now is out to spite him by hoarding their lovable fun upstanding mutual college acquaintance.) How Claus is still frantically trying to emulate his father's masculinity at this stage, and how that's leading him down a dangerous path with Porky. (Trying his very best to forgive a now-reformed Flint for 3 years of griefstricken alcoholic absence - while Porky throws a wrench in his efforts, stoking his righteous anger to keep him bitter and isolated.) How Porky emulates Aloysius almost inevitably, despite hating his father's guts, 'cause after torching his friendship with Ness he was left with no other role models. How Claus yearns for acceptance and approval, and gets this twisted version of it from a guy who treats him like an action figure. How Porky's secretly vehemently jealous of Claus' tight bond with Lucas - 'cause he himself has been self-sabotaging his relationship with Picky for years. How Claus put up with being taken advantage of and dehumanized, 'cause his self esteem is so terrible - but the last straw for him was seeing Porky treat Picky like shit. 'Cause he'd never in a million years even dream of treating Lucas like that. Forgive me if it's a lot, but every bit of it makes me feel like [this].

In the aftermath of it all, I think Porky does realize (deep, deep, deep down) he's ruined what couldda been a really positive friendship for the both of 'em. And he does feel deliriously guilty about it. But he never admits fault. Just blames Ness n' Lucas n' Paula, resigns to hate Claus forevermore, and stews about it endlessly. Even though he knows all it's accomplishing is making him more lonesome and miserable. His Peter-Pan-esque immortal childhood, in Intermission AU, is deconstructed into this sad sick shell of a guy who simply refuses to grow up. (Or confront his guilt, or mature as a person, or apologize to anyone, etc etc…) And his "Absolutely Safe Capsule" is really is just his self-inflicted friendlessness. Maybe he resigns himself to it. If he doesn't have any friends, no one can "betray" him anymore. And he won't have to hurt like this ever again 🥲

Claus, on the other hand, walks away with this erratic mix of anger and pity towards Porky. Which often turns inward - blaming himself for getting so sucked into it, for bein' such a d-bag to his own friends & brother under Porky's influence. Graciously now he's got several absolute real ones he can talk to about it. He ultimately ends up pinning most of the blame on Aloysius (who kinda lives rent free in his head, even though they only met once). But regardless, he can barely stand to think much about Porky. Much less to be in a room with him. Which is a shame, considering they've got at least 2 more years at the same college. I might do more with 'em in the future.

If anyone's interested in these two - aside from Intermission (the fic) (the first one), there's more Claus n' Porky woes in Hunker. Especially [Chapter 20] (which can be read as a oneshot 😉🤐).

[onereallygoodlambonastick]

computer loading up disco esylium and then not at all

[hedgehog-hell]

Ok so yet another hc time because I’m not sane

Kris is agender, autistic, and aro/ace. They make lists as a coping mechanism and chew on stuff all the time (including moss. They like the texture.) Noelle got them chewlery for Christmas once and they chewed through it in like a week. They’re a little shit and get mad at the player because they just wanna cause problems on purpose. Eye contact doesn’t make them particularly uncomfy, but they suck at regulating it so they kinda stare into your soul from behind their bangs when you talk to them. Their eyes are their most expressive facial feature.

Susie is a she/her enby, an ace lesbian and like 30 flavors of mentally ill (yet still undiagnosed). She also chews on stuff as a stim but if she were ever to get chewlery it wouldn’t even last a day. She likes the texture of chalk but will puke if a cucumber gets anywhere near her. She does shed her skin, but more like a sunburn than most reptiles. She only owns two sets of clothes and frequently has to fend off both the dreemurr’s and the Holiday’s offers to get her a better wardrobe. Her parents are as absent as they can legally get and she pretty much provides for herself (except for Thursdays, when toriel insists on her and Noelle coming over for dinner, and fridays when her, Noelle, and Kris go out for fast food and have movie night). She’s essentially the older sibling friend.

Ralsei is Autistic and queer, and critically low on social interactions. Hugs are his and kris’ favorite form of dpt and help them both calm down. However, when he starts to develop potentially romantic feelings for kris, they become more uncomfortable (not only because they’re aro, but also [mostly] because ralsei is so much like azzy). He doesn’t buy into gender roles at all and likes dresses and nail polish and makeup. He’s the youngest child friend 100%.

Lancer is just a lil guy :3. The spade king was a bit emotionally unavailable and manipulative, and Queen wasn’t around as much as she would have liked to be after her and king separated. Rouxls did his best, but the kid ended up getting traumatized and not having great social skills anyways. He latched on to Susie when he first saw that she wasn’t quite as dangerous as she seemed because he felt safer with someone big and scary like her looking out for him. Now he has a family worth having with rouxls and Queen as his dads and Suz being his big sibling, and all without his king getting hurt.

Noelle is a trans lesbian with really bad anxiety. (Obviously) Susie and Noelle are in love and kris is also in a qpr with them both and jokes about being their gf (good friend). She stays home when she sheds her velvet (Susie and kris think it’s super metal but it’s still distracting and kinda disturbing so she does it more for her classmates). Her mom’s hardly ever around, and Dess is… MIA. and now that her dad’s in the hospital, she spends a lot of time alone in her house and at kris’ place. Sometimes she has “crazy parties” (which are really just her, Suz, Kris, and Berdly playing games on her big ass tv)

Berdly is a bisexual trainwreck with adhd (on entirely the wrong meds) who is too nervous to admit that he uses all pronouns despite all her current friends not being cis (he is, but only using he/him just feels wrong). He messes with their feathers when they’re bored or understimulated and it makes them look kinda messy despite the time she takes every morning to make sure she looks good. He won’t EVER tell anyone, but after he got over Susie he started to have a little crush on a certain goat prince from their “dream”. Video games give her the dopamine boost he so desperately needs and they bounce between one game to the next with their hyperfixations.

[creativeashproductions]

What's a Knife Between Onscreen Family // Charlie Gillespie

Summary: Filming an emotionally wrought scene on the set of your current role as a regular goes very wrong very fast. Expecting the scene to be the most taxing of the day you find yourself in the ER getting a transfusion. It’s all fun and games until someone’s holding a sharp knife incorrectly, guess it’s just something in common with co-star Jared Padalecki.

Warnings: Swearing, blood, fear, injuries, hospital, needles, angst, and fluff

Words: 3.5k (including lyrics)

A/N: I watched a part of a panel from a Supernatural con and found it hilarious that Jensen accidently stabbed Jared. So I had to write that for a Charlie Gillespie fic. Link to the video talking about the stabbing is right below this message.

Jensen Ackles Accidentally Stabbed Jared Padalecki during filming From 1:00-6:00

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Masterlist

It had to be one of the most emotionally taxing scenes in your entire career as an actress on a physically demanding show. The scene had been incredibly mentally draining the daughter of a Winchester. It had been once season recurring, one series regular and now filming the third season. As the teenage Winchester, it threw a wrench in all the plans and the reckless character gave no shits.

“Okay, this is our last scene for the day!” Robert Singer, the director of his episode, called out from off stage. Standing at the top of the stairs in the Bunker, you jumped in close with a scrunched nose at the squishy sound.

Over the railing, both Jared and Jensen nodded their support from the ground level with concerned expressions. Ever since you joined the cast in season 13, they had become fathers to you. The sight of you drenched in stage blood was enough to churn their stomachs.

“I gave you the barebones of the scene so work with it. Briar’s traumatized after fighting for her life and has been gone for a while.” Robert explained, “Cas couldn’t find her. I want this to be a tribute like Dean in season 10 episode 14: The Executioner’s Song.”

Taking a deep breath in your emotions channelled into a hurricane in your chest, clenching your fingers on the knife.

“Action!”

Pacing the floor plan of the Bunker is two brothers bonded by sorrow, pain, sacrifice and love. Each throwing out locations on where Briar could be, Jack and Cas had been little help. Sam’s heart clenched tight bypassing images straight to torture. The kind of torture he had endured over the years.

Dean’s mouth opened to suggest another place when the Bunker door creaked open. The red converse appeared before the soggy jeans as the teen slowly made her way down the steps. Briar Winchester shook like a leaf staring off in the distance as the blood congealed on her face and hands.

“Briar.” Dean slowly spoke, moving towards the girl. His green eyes lit up in fury as the seventeen-year-old flinched back. Dean’s hand gently took the stained knife from the young girl.

“I-I didn’t mean to do it.” The meek voice appeared so unlike the usual confidence Briar talked with. In exhaustion, Briar’s knees collapsed, sending the teen right into Dean’s arms.

The stoic man gripped the youngest Winchester as his waist bearing her weight against his while Sam circled to be behind Dean. The choked sob echoed by another escaped the family huddle; one from Briar and the other from Dean.

“Dad.” Briar choked clenching her arms around the green-eyed adult’s shoulders, craving the safety of her father.

Ever since Dean could remember he had had a strict rule of always practising safe sex, he didn’t want a kid. Not in a world that had it out for Winchesters and not one where he might hold his child’s dead body in his arms. That all changed when Cas delivered Dean to a county jail where Briar was held just for a minor assault charge on a wealthy bully.

Dean never let himself want a future with the picket fence and the dog in the backyard but when Briar changed that. Dean would do anything for his family no matter the cost. Example: Selling his soul for Sam.

“Sh.” Dean spoke kissing the crown of her hair he savoured having his child safe in his arms, “I’ll help you to the bathroom to get cleaned up. We’ll heat some soup and toast.”

On autopilot, Dean helped Briar down the hall to the bathroom where she would freshen up and later burn the unsalvageable clothing. As Dean returned to Sam’s side, Castiel came with a sombre expression and an explanation.

“Dean. Sam.” Cas greeted them, flicking his blue gaze between the two brothers. The faint sound of the shower only picked up by the trained heightened sense of hearing from years of watching over their backs.

“Cas what the hell happened?” Dean demanded, “Why the hell is my little girl bruised and coated in blood?”

END FILMING SCENE

“Cut!” Robert called out to the large room with a big smile on his face, “I’ll watch it back. See if we need more takes.”

Jared and Jensen wiped the tears that fell from their cheeks just thinking on how wrought that scene felt. As fathers seeing a young adult in such a state severely agonized them. The duo jogged to see your back against the cold wall—a pinched expression marring your young face.

“How are you feeling after that?” Jensen asked, coming closer to squeeze your shoulders unfazed by the sticky fake blood. It was already all over his clothes from hugging you in character.

“You shouldn’t be allowed to have sharp objects.” You spoke glancing down at your knee that had been punctured by the knife. The dark jeans soaked in stage blood now concealed the real blood.

 “Jensen, did you really stab another person.” Jared deadpanned his best friend referencing back a few years. Jared shoved one hand through his hair, receiving a nasty glare from the hairstylist on call.

The glare on Jensen’s face blistered the taller actor, “I didn’t stab you. You walked into the knife.”

The two bickered as they guided you back to the main stage where Robert had reached a final verdict. He had watched the replay twice along with his crew finding the raw emotion to be perfect. The little detail the three had added was well played. Dean unexpectedly consoling his daughter in tears; no threats to kill or push her to tell him what happened. The first time Briar referring to Dean as her father. Lastly, Sam’s unsure actions in consoling a young girl sucked into life like he was in his youth.

“We got a one-take winner!” Robert called out sending the entire crowd into loud applause and cheers. Jared taking most of your weight as you hobbled to the costume trailer.

The lovely costume designers helped remove the sticky shirt, jewellery and the red converse that had once been white. Only the jeans remained on your body to not mess with the wound. As much as you’d love to shower the blood off, it was near impossible, moving your knee stung and it was best to avoid aggravating it.

“Someone needs to ban Jensen from knives. Just wait till his wife finds out about this, she adores Y/N.” Martha chuckled from her sketches she designed on her breaks for a future in fashion design. Often in your free time, you would be her guinea pig with her designs using refurbished material.

Normally the banter would continue but not when your leg was bleeding, and Jared was taking you to the ER. To make time faster, Jared had scooped you into his arms to the black car their driver waited in.

“Towels are in place. Sorry, you got hurt, Kid.” Clif spoke, opening the door to the backseat where Jensen sat patiently. Unlike usual, he had seated himself in the front so you could stretch in the back.

A weak chuckle met air in the packed car from the blood loss that wasn’t overly bad but enough that Jared took the towel. His pressure on the wound caused a yelp that had Jensen flinching in guilt.

“The knife must have been sharp to cut a mouse in half,” Clif muttered turning towards the hospital close to set. Coincidently the drive took you passed the set your boyfriend currently filmed at.

“Might as well call me butter.” You retorted wincing at the throbbing pain, “You aren’t allowed any more sharp objects, Mr. Ackles.”

“Danneel already threatened to hide all the knives in the house.” The on-screen father laughed as the tension decreased in the small car. Despite the dizziness, it didn’t hide the guilt in Jensen’s green eyes.

Time flew by as you found yourself in a bed for observation and pictures for the knee. It came as a shock when the doctor requested one blood transfusion for the blood loss. The hope of being in and out had evaporated like water beads on a blistering summer day.

Julie and the Phantoms Set

Charlie adored his life as an actor where he was free to visit places, he might not have had the opportunity to do. He made friends with everyone he spoke to and even met the love of his life as an actor as well.

That being said today had been the longest one with a full schedule and barely time for lunch or snacks. Even a nap was unachievable, and he desperately wanted one for being awake for hours by now.

“Charlie! Did you know you’ve got missed calls?” Jeremy inquired, staring at the phone that went black once more. Charlie’s eyebrows came together at the mention. His family had the rough outline of times he would be unavailable to talk.

Stepping back from the craft table’s supper options, he lifted the phone from the table, bringing it to life. His lock screen showing multiple missed calls and voicemails from you, his family and two unknown numbers.

His jaw dropped further when Meghan called for the first time out of the group, “Megs?”

“Finally! Where have you been?” Meghan demanded pacing in the studio she had been using when she got the call. The pretty and successful young woman had gotten terrified at learning about Y/N.

“Filming? It’s the longest day of filming the show. It’s on the family schedule.” Charlie spoke, settling into one of the empty tables. His eyes watching the people entering and exiting the tent set up for food.

“Jesus. Mom called me when you didn’t pick up. Y/N’s in the hospital.” Meghan revealed sending the Canadian actor into a stiff posture. His hazel eyes blow wide and panic flooding his entire system.

“What?!” Charlie didn’t mean to shout nor turn paler than a piece of white paper, but it happened. The volume contracting looks from everyone in the vicinity. Owen even dropped the donut back in the box by the volume.

“She got stabbed with a knife. I sent the address earlier, and I haven’t gotten a lot of info.” Meghan told her older brother, “I know she’s getting a blood transfusion, but nothing else was released.”

Charlie couldn’t tell you what happened between Meghan telling him and reaching the hospital frantically. Nor could he figure out how Owen was in the back of the Uber with him guiding him through exercises; all thanks to Owen’s therapist for his anxiety.

His sneakers squeaked on the polished white floor in his mission to the receptionist transferring information from a chart to digital. Charlie’s painting brought him attention from the kind nurse acknowledging his presence.

“Just let me finish this one sentence.” The nurse hummed saving the information before turning their full attention to the frazzled male, “How can I help you?”

“What room is Y/N Y/L/N in? She was stabbed and needed a transfusion.” Charlie demanded deflating as Owen placed a hand on his shoulder. The Canadian’s eyes bright with panic and a deep fear

The nurse’s eyes softened, “I can’t give out information on patients unless your immediate family members.”

“I’m here-“

“Husband! He’s her husband, they eloped so she hasn’t changed her last name or updated her information.” Owen blurted out, rubbing the pad of his index finger on the black jeans he had worn for his role. The two hadn’t even bothered changing into their street clothing.

The nurse nodded their head-turning back to the computer to enter the name for the patient for the information. It took seconds before the nurse wrote on the miscellaneous sticky note of the ward and room number.

“My name is Riley. If you need any help, you can come back here, and I’ll do my best to give you answers.” Nurse Riley informed the duo with a kind smile nodding in the direction of your hospital room.

Owen’s long legs ate up the distance Charlie made in his sprint to the stairwell, “Shouldn’t we take the elevator?”

“My girlfriend is in a hospital bed. I can’t wait for an elevator.” Charlie rebuked the suggestion on the second flight. Owen’s sigh was the last sound made as the duo slammed into the door to the floor level.

Charlie and Owen appeared in the doorway of your hospital room panting from the exertion meeting the gaze of two actors. Charlie’s heart stuttered at the sight of the high volume of blood in your clothing and your hair.

The sharp gasp brought your attention to the shaking Canadian actor solely focused on scanning for wounds. His eyes barely staying on the two adult males you had been starring with for a few years. Schedule conflicts often led to no introduction to each other’s co-stars.

“What the hell?” Charlie choked stumbling to the chair beside your hospital bed next to the pole holding a blood bag, “Did you get mugged? Are you okay?”

“Char, take a breath, man.” Owen’s blue eyes shadowed with the worry as Charlie’s breathing shuddered. Owen could barely look at you covered in blood.

“Whoa! Charlie. I’m fine. This is stage blood. We had an intense scene, and there was a minor accident.” Your voice soothed the man gently taking Charlie’s hand to comfort him, “I lost a bit of blood. The doctor decided to give me a blood transfusion to bring my levels back up a bit before stitching it up.”

“How do you get stabbed accidently?” Owen questioned glancing at the two men standing silently in the corner. Due to contracts on the Supernatural set details of scenes and storylines was off-limits.

“Well, during filming, I took a knife from her, and she walked into the blade?” Jensen trailed off, shoving his elbow into Jared’s side at the scoff. It happened every time it was brought up.

“I-“Charlie blinked, shaking his head as he took a deep sigh in pushing that to the back burner to focus solely on you. His hand rubbed his face while he settled on squeezing your one hand in both of his.

The touch of your skin grounding him back to earth with the shattering visions of walking into the world without you. It would be both ways, the second his calloused warm skin brushed your hands; it was like the pain faded. Only a sense of content settled in your weary bones.

“Okay Miss Y/L/N.” Dr. Clancy walked into the room only halting to grab a pair of medical gloves, “I see your entourage grew. I’m Doctor Jim Clancy, and you must be Miss Y/L/N’s husband.”

Three pairs of eyes widened at the doctor’s words aimed towards the brunette actor turning a blushing mess. The words mouthed by Charlie to go with it gave barely any insight, but you did it. The moment you had a free minute with Charlie, you would interrogate him in the new title you had.

“Yeah, my husband.” You spoke flicking an expression to Jensen and Jared that caught on from the years together. They had taken you under their wing on your first day on set, and then you became family with their immediate family.

“I can confirm that my initial observation is that the wound doesn’t have anything that shouldn’t be in there. We stopped the bleeding, the x-ray came clean, we’ll set you up with IV fluid, and tetanus shot to be safe.”

“Nurse Gellar here will cut the rest of the jeans off, get you in a gown for a few hours of observation. Just a precaution for blood transfusions. We’ll have some scrubs you can wear when you can leave.” Dr. Clancy motioned to the tall redhead with a quiet demeanour.

Charlie’s lips lingered on your temple at the fear that flared in your expressive eyes, he would give anything to take your place. He softly sang your couple song as a whimper fell from your lips as the jean tugged the dried blood from the wound. The painful pressure felt as you guessed it had started to bleed again, the feel of liquid rolling down your skin, confirming it.

“I’ll sing anything.” Charlie whispered going through his mental catalogue of songs on your shared playlist, “Oh!”

I’m booking myself a one-way flight

 I gotta see the color in your eyes

 And telling myself I’m gonna be alright

 Without you baby is a waste of time

The tears falling no longer came from the pain but the sheer amount of love you had for the man there. Eyes glittering with pure adoration as his voice came off absolutely heart-melting. So, lost in each other neither of you noticed Owen had been filming from the moment Charlie had said ‘oh’.

Yeah, our first date, girl, the seasons changed

 It got washed away in a summer rain

 You can’t undo a fall like this

 ’Cause love don’t know what distance is

 Yeah, I know it’s crazy

Charlie’s hand slowly slid up your arms to cup your tear-streaked tacky cheeks in his warm grip. The hospital faded as it became just you and Charlie. Completely oblivious at the audience in the room.

“He loves her,” Jensen whispered to Jared out of the camera frame that the blonde-haired kid’s phone. It was such a pure moment it felt disrespectful to see this exchange but also honoured to see it firsthand.

“I’ve only seen the look in your eyes for Danneel,” Jared replied, cupping his hands over his face listening to the near inaudible wet chuckle you gave.

“As I have between you and Gen. They have the real kind of love.” 

But I don’t want “good”, and I don’t want “good enough.”

 I want “can’t sleep, can’t breathe without your love”

 Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn’t make sense to anybody else

“Charlie.” You sobbed at the best part of your life serenading you in such a romantic moment at the odd setting—his hazel gaze greener in what would come to be a very dear memory to reminisce about.

The calloused thumb caressing your cheek wiping a teardrop away he continued to see as the doctor finished suturing the wound. 

Nothing mattered other than the couple currently in a bubble.

Who cares if you’re all I think about,

 I’ve searched the world and I know now,

 It ain’t right if you ain’t lost your mind.

 Yeah, I don’t want easy, I want crazy

 Are you with me baby? Let’s be crazy

Charlie’s voice faded with the rest of the song bringing you back to reality with the nurse cleaning up around the wound. That’s how the rest of the day went on waiting for the blood transfusion and IV fluids to finish. You stuffed the tetanus shot while Charlie sang between different genres.

“Thank you.” You softly spoke with Charlie being the only one left in the room with you.

Owen had headed back to their set to finish a scene while giving the updates on you while Jared and Jensen grabbed food. J2 had been very clear they would get Martha to grab some clothing for when they came back. Jensen was determined to deliver you to your home as the first action to make it up to you.

“For what?” Charlie questioned as your index and thumb picked at the cuticles of the opposite hand. Your eyes were hidden from your boyfriend’s gaze.

“For dropping everything to be here.” The words were quiet in the room only filled with breathing and the heart machine you had to be hooked up to.

“My girl-“

“Don’t you mean wife?” You teased brushing a lock of his hair from his forehead taking in the man you had the honor of loving. Of waking up next to in the apartment, you’d been renting ever since you landed the role on Supernatural; overtime Charlie’s things had just accumulated there.

“It was the only way they’d let me in.” Charlie spoke sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, “It’s a little early to call you, but I’m excited to make you my last girlfriend and then my only wife.”

The chuckle fell from your lips, “So, you want to marry me?”

“In front of all our family and friends. Tucked away from the media to celebrate the love we have for each other.” Charlie spoke, “There’s no one else I’d like by my side for the rest of my life.”

A new flood of tears welled at the sincerity in his voice and the warmth laden in his eyes of kaleidoscope colours. Sometimes, depending on his emotion or his clothing, his eyes would be greener, or when he was happy, they had a blue tinge in the green in sadness or your favourite; brown with the swirls of green.

“How did I get so lucky to have the absolute honour to fall in love with you?” Your words created a swell of emotion in the Canadian’s heart.

“The same way whatever deities there are took pity on a boy from Dieppe by bringing him an angel.” Charlie words preceded the kiss on your lips with a grin as you chased his lips after. With one last peck, he leaned back with a fond expression.

“Seriously how do you get stabbed accidently?” Charlie chortled with that gorgeous smile lighting up the room more than the white lights.

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[bluecastleheadcanons]

Parent headcanons

(warning!!! mentions of  child abuse, neglect, gaslighting, divorce, eating disorders, anxiety, alcoholism, drug use, the f slur (its not used its literally said as the f slur) running away, death and homophobia) 

Hinata: his parents got a divorce right after natsu was born. He still sees his dad with natsu on the weekends. His mother is amazing and very kind his dad is similar

Kageyama: he doesn’t talk to his parents much, they’re both nice and all around good parents they just don’t get his hyperfixation on volleyball

Yamaguchi: He has a close relationship with his mother, his father works long hours so he doesn’t get to see him very much.

Tsukishima: his parents are nice, though they beg him to go outside a bit more since when he’s not playing volleyball he’s in his room

Yachi: she never met her dad. Her mum can be cold sometimes but when she really needs something her mother is right there for her

Tanaka: last time he was his parents they were screaming. Him and Seako ran away when he was very young. 

Noya: he doesn’t really know his mother, she left when he was young. He is very close with his dad and they have movie nights. 

Asahi: His mother is very similar to him but his dad is kinda like noya. They’re both awesome and caring.

Daichi: ever wonder why he is kinda mature for his age? Well uh ever tried raising your younger siblings while your toxic and verbally abusive parents breathe down your spine? Gaslighting is his parents favourite parent child bonding activity.

Sugawara: His parents have always been more like friends than authority figures in his life. They always have great advice and lessons to teach him but they have never treated him less than them.

Kiyoko: Her parents can be a bit...much. They always try to force her to speak when she doesn’t want to. Of course they mean well but that can be irritating.

Oikawa: His mother is the best he could ask for. She is so kind and caring. She works with children and noticed his anxiety issues when he was young and always tried to elevate his worries. She can always tell when something is wrong with him. His father works overseas constantly but always tries to make time for him and his sister, though sometimes he can be a bit toxic. Calling oikawa dramatic if he were having a panic attack.

Iwaizumi: *takes deep breath* His mother is head veterinarian at the vet she runs and is almost never home at a reasonable time. She wasn’t really around to parent him as a child so Oikawa mum picked up the slack. His father? Well there's a reason Iwa spends more time at Oikawa’s house than his own. The bruises and increasing mental health issues truly aren’t worth a night in his own bed. 

Matsukawa: His dad died when he was 10. His mother is extremely kind and empathetic. She did a great job at raising 3 kids as a single mother. Her and Oikawa’s mum get along really well. 

Hanamaki: his dad was a piece of shit until one day his mum told him to leave and they haven’t seen him since. His mum is great but is sometimes too reliant on him and his older sister for some things.

Kyoutani: parents? The fuck are those? All he knows are the two assholes who happen to live in the same house as him and share his last name. They are either drunk or high 24/7 and if they even so much as notice his existence it's not a good time to be him.

Tendou: horrible, horrible human beings. He developed an eating disorder at 13 and when they found out they either didn’t feed him or over fed him and wouldn’t let him leave the table until he finished the plate. Moving into the shiratorizawa dorms was the best day of his life.

Ushijima: His father left when he was young and his mother and grandmother are VERY traditional. 

Kuroo: lives with his dad and grandparents. His mother left with his sister when he was seven. His dad works late hours but is a pretty understanding and goofy guy.

Kenma: his mother is the ‘you need to get out more’ kind of lady. Super nice and fun. She impulse buys the most random stuff. His father is cool and plays video games with him.

Yaku: his dad is a recovering alcoholic and his mother is more toxic than a pufferfish. His parents are divorced and unfortunately he has to spend most of his time with his mother but sometimes he just takes his brothers and goes to his dad’s.

Lev: His mother is the typical ‘have some more’ kind of russian lady. Does see his father very much. 

Bokuto: his parents are somewhat emotionally unavailable. But that's fine cuz his sisters basically raised him. 

Akaashi: literally the complete opposite of him. Still together and grossly in love. 

Daishou: his parents and him don't really interact all that much. After he started dating Mika, his dad pat him on the shoulder and said congrats on not being a (insert f slur here) and he hasn’t really trusted either of them since then.

[zodiactalks]

Pros and Cons of Loving a Virgo

Have you ever wondered what’s it like to love (and live with) a Virgo? In today’s article we are going to provide info on both good and bad sides of loving a Virgo.

Virgo is the 6th zodiac sign, it’s ruling planet is Mercury, it’s element is Earth and patron god is Hermes.

Virgo corresponds with the melancholic temperament and its gemstone is sapphire.

Good sides of loving a Virgo

#1. Virgos are patient and responsible individuals Virgos have a lot of patience, they are able to tackle down the most tedious and repetitive jobs with utmost perfection.

Virgos are responsible individuals. If you give them a job that needs to be done, they will make sure to do it, and they will do it as perfectly as possible.

#2. Virgo people are great followers They scarcely take charge because they prefer to avoid being responsible for others, this makes them excellent team players.

Virgos love animals. They are great with animals, despite looking emotionally unavailable and detached, Virgo’s kindness can be observed through their relationship with animals.

#3. Virgos are great caretakers These people make the best nurses and medical staff, not just because they are sanitary and take great care about the hygiene, which is also a big plus, but because they emphasize with others and can provide amazing care to those who need it.

Virgo people are perfect pharmacists and nurses. They have a sharp memory and they are excellent in compartmentalizing.

#4. Virgos are very clean

And they care a great deal about hygiene. Their homes are always arranged and smell fresh because of this trait.

Virgos are great cooks. Their cooking style resembles that of a mad scientist, but their dishes are consistent, very tasty and checked out. It’s impossible to have a food poisoning when Virgo is behind the kitchen wheel.

#5. Virgo’s are great at organizing

If you have an event to plan, or you hate taking care of your finances – go to a Virgo, they will make it happen in no time, and everything will be in order.

It’s a misconception that Virgos love cleaning, they hate it, but they’re very good at it, and it calms their overthinking mind, so it’s a very welcome side effect of their edgy personality.

#6. Virgos are problem solvers

They love a good mental challenge and puzzles. Their mind is constantly thinking, working its way around situations, finding solutions and different ways how can something be done.

Virgos often suffer from social anxiety, so if you’re one of those people that like to shine, they will never steal your thunder.

They’re great team players, so if you need a partner for a video game crusade – Virgo is your person.

Bad sides of loving a Virgo  

#1. Virgos are perfectionists

And no one is ever good enough for them, nor is anyone capable of doing a good enough job in their place.

Virgos like to bicker so much so that it may seem like their favorite pass time. If you don’t have nerves of steel, you’ll probably crack at some point under their constant pressure.

#2. Virgos aren’t romantic

If you expected grand gestures, you might as well give up now. You won’t get jewelry or perfumes as an apology, nor flowers or candies for that matter.

Virgos are bossy. They know the best and their way of doing things is the best way. Even if you try your hardest, it won’t be enough, so just let them do it in the first place.

#3 Virgos like to complain

Since they love to do everything they will make you feel bad about it, like you are lazy and you’re dumping the whole load on their backs.

Virgos are susceptible to gambling. If they get hooked it’s almost impossible for them to get out of it.

#4 Virgos are manipulative

Virgos often opt for psychological manipulation and when you call them out on it they pretend like you imagined it. They try to be verbal magicians – “now you see me, now you don’t” and they make it sound like it’s all in your heard.

Virgos are self-convinced philanthropists. They believe that the end justifies the means. Thus, they are capable of some very morally-questionable acts and choices but they will call it altruism because it was all for a “good cause”.

#5 Virgos are stubborn

If you try to get them something you want done, they can suddenly rebel and refuse to do it, this can last for days on end.

Virgos can be emotionally detached and closed off. If you expected warmth and emotional hand-holding, you can give up now, they don’t do that. They deal with their emotions by compartmentalizing and they would prefer if you did the same.

#6 Virgos can be cold-blooded

If you ever wrong them in some serious way you are gone and forgotten, as if you never existed. So, make sure not to wrong them in any way.

Virgos are great brokers and they can make a profit out of anything and anyone. Make sure you’re aware of the “fine print” when you’re signing the documents with them.

#7 Virgos are prone to becoming lazy

Virgos love sweets, they are prone to gaining weight, if they become too introverted they will skip on the gym days which will lead to them becoming overweight. Once they become lazy about their body, they’ll hardly change it for the better.

Virgos don’t give compliments, if they did – they would be the best in it, alas they do not. If a Virgo gives you a “free” compliment, know that something is up.

[theunreliablereviewer]

Don’t be an idiot like me who impatiently bought this game at full price (USD$14.99) when the sale can go as low as USD$5.99 Story

Ever wondered what it’s like to be an orphaned billionaire whose parents were killed in a sketchy dark alley all because they conveniently couldn’t afford bodyguards then grow up to be a mentally unstable & emotionally unavailable adult who dresses up as a bat to brutally beat up criminals? Well now you can!

Gameplay

Press buttons during cool cut-scenes and choose dialog options in between that sometimes when choosing something as vague as “calm [NPC] down” initiates a fist fight instead. In all seriousness, the choices you make throughout the game affects the narrative in some capacity. Some may be arbitrary while others are just downright psychotically hilarious.

Graphics

I personally love the cel-shaded art style as it balances the semi-realistic but also comic book-influenced look. Overall, the details are very pleasing to look at and the noir tone complements the game’s aesthetics and narrative really well.

Performance

The game crashed on me once but that was an isolated incident. There’s a few frame drops and screen stuttering but it wouldn’t be a Telltale game without its iconic recurring issues. 

Play If -

To acquire a greater understanding behind the psychology of Bruce Wayne / Batman and just how lonely and self-sabotaging his life can be. Not that you necessarily need to put yourself in his shoes to do so since you might already be doing that to your life.

A hardcore fan of Batman / DC Comics and Telltale Games in general.

Don’t Play If -

Don’t like the jankiness of Telltale Games because it’s unavoidable despite numerous patches.

Arbitrary choices in video games because it only makes you realize that the choices you’ve made in your life were just as meaningless.

[canumoveurseatup-no]

dark room

summary: grow through what you go through.

(please read warnings and author’s note before continuing to read)

wc: 10.5k

pairings: dad!sam x black!reader

warnings: this gets real okay... it contains drug use, alcohol abuse, mental illness, parental abuse, mentions of suicide- it’s dark, it’s raw, it’s real so please read with caution. reader has fluid sexuality, light smut

a/n: my 20th birthday passed months ago (this was supposed to be out on my birthday, back in august) and i know that doesn’t seem like a big deal to other people but it’s a big deal to me, especially coming from someone who has tried to end their lives multiple times, someone who had battled mental illness for years, someone who used substances to numb any sort of pain. It’s been a long time coming. And I’m still fighting every single day but I am here so this is mainly for me but also for anyone who is struggling with anything in their lives. Keep. Pushing.

———————

You wanted to feel like you were dancing on the ceiling. You wanted to do your own little lonely dance like no one was watching. The room was hot, the smell stale, hair sticking to your forehead, nothing was real. You were a mere atom prancing across a screen of color. You didn’t notice the phones out recording you while you experienced one of the best trips of your life. They weren’t making fun of you, they were cheering you on but their cheers fell on deaf ears as it felt like you had cotton stuffed in your own.

You fell in a chair, seeing various pills splayed out on the table. So many to choose from, they were so pretty but then the sight of little white lines caught your attention, you weighed your options. You had enough nose candy before you even got here. You pre-gamed so hard you came to the party two hours late from falling out.

You wanted to touch the ends of the universe so you snatched another tab off the table and pressed it on your tongue like a fruit roll up with tongue tattoos on it. The dancing bodies in front of you distorted as you grabbed a heavy liquor bottle and stumbled from standing up too fast... or maybe it was the drugs? You felt your face smile and your body go numb as you fell back on a bunch of clouds.

You found a guy eyeing you from the other side of the room or at least it seemed like it, his face was an absolute blur. But soon he was right in front of you and you could see specs of yellow in his brown irises. They were almost like sunflowers.

“Wanna have a good time?,” he opens the palm of his hands and you see a pretty blue pill.

“What’s it do?,” you don’t notice the slurring, you don’t notice the left side of your body going numb... you stopped breathing for a minute and as fearsome as it sounds... you welcomed it. It’s all you’ve been craving since you were nine years old... to just. stop. breathing. But your chest opened up again, hugging the air tight in its lungs to keep your body alive.

“However you’re feeling now? Multiply that times ten... it makes you feel like your third eye is opening. You can taste colors, see tastes... it’s unreal,”

“How much for it?,” the words flew past your lips faster than your mind could understand.

“It’s on me,”

—————

You don’t remember how you made it home, maybe you walked again- maybe you made the right choice and called an Uber.

You only remember mumbling a “bye, daddy” to the guy who gave you the blue pill, sending you off with more for the future. You felt like God was holding you in his hands and blessing you with the best life right now.

You weren’t aware of your little brother’s door being cracked open and him waiting up for you as you tried to quietly get to the bathroom.

“Oops,” you laughed to yourself. It was a sight your little brother saw often- you didn’t know that, your dad didn’t know that. Keith never knew how to tell anyone he was worried for his sister. He was 12- he didn’t know what was wrong with you. But he didn’t hesitate to scream when he found you in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with throw up all over yourself.

“Y/N!!,” he tried to shake you awake but your eyes were dull and half lidded, “Y/N stop! Wake up, wake up, wake up!!,” he even slapped you. Nothing worked.

“Dad!! Daaaaddd!,” Keith ran down the hallway to your dad’s room. Sam woke in a frenzy and looked at Keith with worry

“Something’s wrong with Y/N! She won’t wake up!,” the 12 year old sobbed and Sam booked it out of his room to find your body limp on the toilet. Underwear mid thigh, as if you passed out while trying to pull them down to pee. Throw up all in your lap, body dripping with cold sweat.

“Keith, Call 911!”

—————

He always watched you now... he always had appointments set up at the doctors to test your urine but it didn’t stop you from using. There were always ways around passing drug tests. Often times you’d ask a friend to pee in a cup then pour it in a ziploc baggie and hide it in your sports bra to keep it warmed up. You knew how to beat the system.

Pour a little in the toilet so it makes it look like you peed, they always check afterwards. Then pour it in the cup to the line they mark. You ‘pass’ each time.

“You’re coming on the trip,”

“I’ve earned your trust,” your mouth felt dry, the edible you took before 6th period still hasn’t worn off yet and you were trying to keep calm- there’s no way he was going to ruin your high.

“You’ve earned yourself suicide watch and consistent drug tests. My trust for you disappeared when I found you damn near dead and had to watch them hook you up to machines and put you on temporary dialysis amongst other things to save your life,”

He was still bitter. It happened a month ago. He should be over it, you were.

“Fuck you, Dad,” you stormed off to your room and slammed the door

“Don’t you talk to me like that in my house!,” he yelled from the other side of your door. He should have taken it off the hinges like he planned.

You didn’t want to go on some stupid resort. Something about channeling your inner peace and looking at the bigger picture. Everyone was going, even his old team members, a family you didn’t feel a part of, he thought it’d be a good idea to surround yourself with good company.

You scream out and begin throwing clothes into a bag knowing he wasn’t letting up.

You see the glimmer of a small plastic baggy under your mattress and pull it out, seeing an array of candy. Maybe you could survive this trip?

You stuff the baggy in a pair of socks and smile, hoping to get a sense of familiarity.

You were gonna survive this trip.

—————

You shouldn’t have worn shorts today. That stupid health class intern saw the marks on your thigh and told the school nurse and now your found yourself in the car with your dad yelling at you.

“What the hell is wrong with you?! Do you not realize you have a main artery in your thigh! Had you gone deep enough you would have been gone, Y/N! What the fuck is wrong with you,”

You figured if a parent found their 11 year old was cutting themselves they’d do something other than yell... they’d do something other than tell the entire family and have them call at you just to yell at you as well.

“Nothing in life is that bad for you to do that to yourself!!,”

“That’s stupid, Y/N! Who in their right mind would do that to themselves?!,”

You heard it all. You cried when you got home, and hugged your little brother, not knowing if you’d ever get the chance to again because you were on the verge of ending it all. 11 years old... wanting to end it... you weren’t sure what was wrong with you. You just woke up every day hating yourself, woke up everyday wondering what life would be like for your family had you not been born.

Your older sister didn’t know how to help.. and your little brother was sure he was going to lose his sister.

You believed you were a by-product of a bad relationship. So your self-hatred started young. Watching your parents argue everyday- watching your mom cry because your dad kicked all of you out on Christmas Eve and you had to stay with your grandparents... watching the ugly divorce and how he became an alcoholic and she became emotionally unavailable.. even having to talk to the cops because your dad left bruises on your legs, from beating you because you were calling out for him due to being afraid to sleep in your own room when you usually sleep in his...

But he had a lady friend over that night....

The meds the psychiatrist put you on gave you chest pains... you went from using a pair scissors to hurt yourself to watching YouTube videos on how to get a blade out of a shaving razor. You skipped meals just to be a little skinnier like everyone else in your family.

You wrote notes.. you wore black sweatshirts, even in the prime of summer, to cover your arms when you ran out of space on your thighs and ankles and hips. You were a mess and no one came close to understanding. You don’t know how or why you turned out this way.

You felt like your mom hated you, you felt like your dad wasn’t your dad, like he was just there... you were stuck in a place where you felt like you didn’t belong and it made your heart skip beats. It had you crying almost every night.

And everyday you struggled. Waiting for the day that you snap and off yourself.

————-

“Y/N! Y/N!,” you felt your sister, Savannah, nudge you in your rib cage, “Uncle Buck was talking to you, snap out of it,”

You felt everyone hug you and it felt unfamiliar. You felt out of place. All these bright green trees looked fake- the air was too clean- the water in the cups too pure.

You craved to be surrounded by drugged, dancing bodies, feeling the beat of the music vibrating every single nerve in your body. You wanted to feel like you were on the edge of death just to feel alive. You wanted to be surrounded by guys and girls who gave you the slightest bit of attention and took you home. You wanted to feel loved even if it were for a few hours out of the night.

You didn’t want to be here- you wanted to feel the burn of alcohol run down your throat. You wanted to see auras around everyone as you blinked. You wanted to hide in the bathroom and stumble against the walls, laughing as you struggled to get your pants down to pee. You wanted to numb every single thought, you wanted to get so blacked out you couldn’t remember anything that ha-

“Y/N, lets go unpack,” Natasha’s hand grasped around yours and you let her drag you to one of the resort rooms. Your bag tight around your shoulder, you looked around the room and hated to be in it. It was too bright, too colorful... you wanted to be in a dark room under a guy as he choked you out and you felt him deep in your stomach. You wanted to be in a dark room, feeling a someone’s lips on you, replicating what you expect love to be like.

Everything was too fucking bright... too bright compared to the dark rooms you’d be in at night, intoxicated, crying, while getting your brains fucked out because you just wanted to feel affection... even if it was fake.

“How have you been feeling?” She sits on the bed as you stand at the door, frowning at everything in the room, “You can be honest with me- I won’t tell Sam. I know it’s hard not having anyone to talk to-,”

“Is there a town close by?,” you snap your eyes towards her. It might be a dumb question but you zoned out the whole three hour ride here.

“Ugh yeah, about 20 minutes out, why?”

“C-can you get me? S-something? I- I need to... I just need to ebb the feelings away,”

“I want to help you, b-but I can’t do that for you,” she knew what you meant but no way in hell would she advocate for you continuing to tear yourself down.

“So why lie and say I can be honest if you can’t give me the one thing I need?!,” you felt the walls closing in. You focused too much on one thing and you found yourself stumbling.

“Y/N, it’s okay, I’m here, calm down, calm down,”

“Get out!!,” you felt your hands shaking, you had no control over anything, “I want to be alone! Get the fuck out!,”

“I can’t leave you alone like this!,”

You take your bag and storm off to the bathroom to lock the door. You wasted no time in digging in the bag for the sock with the little baggy of pills, popping three in your mouth and swallowing them dry. You don’t remember what kind of drug it was... you were just hoping it made you feel good.

—————

You were on autopilot. You forgot how to walk but your muscle memory helped propel you to the dining hall and there they had a sermon about trusting life’s forces and welcoming traumas to push through triggering times. You felt like it was a bunch of bull crap but you were interested because you were high off your ass.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,”

Your dad eyed you closely but worried less when he actually saw you head to the bathroom.

You paced the bathroom until a girl walked in and eyed you closely.

“Your family drag you here too?,” she eyed you up and down. She knew your behavior all too well. You were on the verge of a withdrawal break down.

“You from around here?,” you wanted to get out of here. You wanted to have fun, you wanted to get hammered.

“Yeah why?,”

“Know any parties? Like- with tons of alcohol a-and stuff? I can’t sit around here and listen to this circle of life bullshit! I. Need. Sweat and hookups and to not remember anything,” you rambled and rambled until the girl calmed you down.

“Dude, chill out,” she placed her hands on your shoulder and shook you to calm you down, “Meet me by the ugly ass evergreen tree by the entrance- midnight. I’m about to lose my cool in this place too,”

She could really be a murderer, you don’t know this girl, nor a name, nothing. But it was worth a try. Not like you’d end up being best friends.

—————

It was easy. Savannah was out cold after the dinner- she loved to eat but, it never stuck. You wish you were like that but no... it stuck everywhere, it always did.

Your dad did his last check on you at 10 so it was easy to leave. The girl waited for you in her little Prius and you went about your way.

“I’m Eve by the way,”

“Y/N,”

You didn’t want to converse. You wanted chemicals coursing through your veins to shut off every single thought, every voice, every vision in your head.

“So what’s your story? You know this resort- It’s supposed to be some pseudoscience rehab,”

“Listen, Eve,” you sighed, “I’m not one for talking, now, get some alcohol in me and then you can get in my head, hell maybe even my pants, but until then, I don’t like to talk,”

“My parents found me with a needle in my arm,” she admitted, you cursed under your breath and realized she was gonna ramble anyway. But maybe this was good for her, someone her age, someone she could relate to, “It was laced but... God it was something great and I... I never wanted it to end,” she talked as if it was a dream.

“They told me I flatlined a couple times- I couldn’t tell though but... maybe I did because I felt like I was in heaven,”

She kept talking about her experiences until you pulled up to a house with a bunch of cars out front, you didn’t even wait for her to fully stop the car before jumping out and running inside.

You saw a bunch of tangled, kissing bodies, slumped, passed out bodies, people candy flipping, people snorting lines. You weren’t sure which poison to pick.

You walked up to a girl passing small baggies around, “What’s this?,”

“Its a new street drug called angel wings, wanna try it?,”

“Will it make me feel better than lsd?,”

“Way better, dude,”

“How much can 50 bucks buy?,”

“2 baggies. Five pills come in each,”

You slapped the fifty in her hands and snatched two from her, damn near ripping one of the baggies open, to pop a single periwinkle pill in your mouth and snatching someone’s cup to swallow it down. You spotted Eve looking around for you and rushed over to her, grabbing her hand.

“Wanna dance?,”

“Did you take something already?,”

“Yeah man, you wanted to talk? I’m drugged up enough to talk,”

————

Not much talking happened. You felt yourself crying until she held your face to wipe the tears away and you found yourself in her lap, kissing her with all your might.

“Y/N you don’t want to slow down? We don’t have to do this,”

You took almost a whole baggy of angel wings and felt like you were flying, every single touch she placed on your body made the hairs on your skin stand up.

“Wanna forget, everything,” you slurred, “y-you don’t have to because... someone else will but... I trust you- to take care of me,”

Eve felt her heart swell at your words. She squeezed your thighs in her hands. Your skin was soft just like her ex’s. The one Eve lost due to her addiction driving her away. You gave her a sense of familiarity, so she kissed you back with just as much urgency. Eve had her own drug of choice running through her own bloodstream and every time you touched her had her body vibrating with tingles. She flipped you over and removed any piece of clothing that got in her way.

“Love me...,” you pleaded, your eyes found hers in the dark room. The dark room you’ve been craving just so no one could see you, they can feel you and maybe see your silhouette but the can’t see... you. You felt tears come to your eyes and you were thankful she couldn’t really see them.

“Even though it’s fake.. just... just love me how you would love someone else,”

Teeth clashed, toes curled, muscles tensed, backs arched, it was invigorating. It might have been the drugs, it might have been the fact that Eve seemed to know you like her favorite song. The both of your fingers were soaked and sticky. Skin bruised with love bites and dented with nail impressions. Throats raw from moaning and begging.

You were close and once you hit the big O, you understood the meaning behind the drug name. You heard the beating of wings and saw the bright light. You were an angel ascending and the gates of heaven opened for you just as you let out that final scream of Eve’s name. Eve... first of God’s creation.

You felt her lips on your cheek as she came with you, she held you tight and you stared up at the ceiling, letting your body tremors calm as your mind shut down with the rest of you.

—————

Eve sobered up but you made sure to drink half a bottle of cheap scotch before heading back to face the wrath of your dad.

You saw the big ugly evergreen and grumbled to yourself. Eve held your hand the whole drive and you cringed at any contact. You felt bad that you felt repulsed by her touch but you were too sober for any interaction of the sort.

She parked the car and kissed your cheek, you let her, before getting out and mumbling a thank you and goodbye and heading back in the direction of your room. You slightly stumbled and didn’t notice everyone waiting for you outside. You sniffled and felt your nose hurt, you don’t even remember snorting anything. Don’t remember what pill you popped, what drug you sniffed or what drink you took to the head and that’s how you liked it.

“Where the hell have you been?,”

Your dad’s voice was muffled and all you could do was flutter your eyes at him.

“You’re drugged up right now aren’t you?!”

You simply walked around him in what felt like slow motion, you ignored everyone eyeing you like a helpless puppy and went in the resort room to go to the bathroom.

“Don’t walk away from me, Y/N! What is it going to take for you to get better?! To stop this shit?! You’re killing yourself and don’t even realize it!,”

“Oh I realize it,” you crawl in the bathtub and just sit there. You don’t turn on any water, you just sit there

“I just don’t care enough”

——————

You woke up to a splitting headache, still lying in the tub. You groan as you pick yourself up and head out to the room to see Savannah sitting at the foot of the bed, waiting for you to sober up.

“Why can’t you be normal?,” her eyes were red like she’d been crying, Keith was out cold, he fell asleep waiting for you to wake up, “You’re putting dad through so much. You’re traumatizing Keith. Get a fucking grip and sober up!,” she gritted through her teeth.

“I didn’t ask to be this way. I didn’t ask to be born, Savannah. I’m sorry I’m not perfect and pretty and popular like you or a kid genius like Keith. I’m sorry I’m a junkie with no future. You were there when I was in therapy. You were there when they diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder a-and bipolar disorder and an addictive personality... you were there... I didn’t ask to be this way. Want me to be normal? Well rewire everything in my fucking head to do it,”

She wiped her face and shook her head, “Listen, I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you,”

“Well don’t. If I’m not worried you shouldn’t be,” you undress and wrap yourself in a towel for a shower, “I’m too far gone for worrying,”

—————

The next day there were multiple families at one of the sermon meeting thingies and it just so happened to be set up like a fucking AA meeting.

“I’m not doing this bullshit,” It was your turn to speak and you scoff, getting ready to get up and leave until Sav stopped you. You heard everyone else’s story and it didn’t inspire you to get better, it didn't move you. You didn’t give a shit about any of this.

“Do this for me... for Keith,”

You saw Keith practically pleading you and you sat back down to introduce yourself.

“I’m Y/N,”

“Welcome, Y/N,” everyone said around the room.

“I’m only here because I was forced to,” You laugh to yourself, “I don’t believe I can get better, I mean I haven’t been anyway. I’ve been faking my drug tests to pass, I’m still using, still drinking,”

You could feel Sam burning holes in the side of your head at your admission.

“Last night I snuck out and got so high I felt like I was flying,” you sighed happily, “I don’t remember when I started using but I uh- it might have been when I was trading my anxiety meds for stronger pills like ecstasy then I jumped to lsd just to run away from my fucked up reality,”

You catch Tony’s eyes, then Steve then Nat and Wanda and Bucky and so on and they all looked at you with fucking pity, it made you sick.

“I don’t believe in this shit okay? I don’t believe in praying away all these fucking chemical imbalances in my head!,” you felt your stomach churn and you felt your eyes sting, “I think I’m okay! I’m fine!,” you yelled, you were angry now, you hated being forced to talk about it.

“I’m doing a lot better with drugs and alcohol than I am without,” you were really trying to convince yourself, you weren’t fooling anyone, “When I’m high I experience the highest of highs! I- I can stay up for days and not need a wink of sleep,” You animated your gestures and looked around in hopes someone would understand.

“I can finally eat without throwing it back up because then I don’t hate myself so fucking much!,” You pound your thighs and felt the shakes come back, “I can finally eat- I can finally give myself the basic things a human needs without hating myself for it” you felt tears pool in your eyes and you hated yourself for crying but you blamed it on the 24 hours of sobriety.

“When I’m high, I don’t feel the extreme lows of my disorders. I finally break out of my shell and meet new people. I talk! I- I meet guys and they show me affection even if it’s for an hour or two and I finally feel loved in my life!,”

You felt Savannah rest her hand on your arm until you jerk away.

“When I’m high- I’m waaaay up and and... and I’m happy! I don’t feel depressed I don’t feel anxious. Being high or drunk shuts up that stupid voice in my head and no one gets it! I am better inebriated! Why can’t you see that!!,” you look to Sam for an answer and all you can see is tears in his eyes.

“And if I die? Hell! It’d be best for everyone! You wouldn’t have to worry anymore! You w-wouldn’t have to waste money on doctors visits just for me to pour someone else’s piss in a fucking cup! No suicide watch! No more not trusting me. No more me faking to be happy.. if this kills me?? Everyone would get what they wanted,”

“What do you think everyone wants, Y/N?,” the woman running the session finally speaks up. Everyone around the room seemed worried for you. You truly didn’t understand why.

You look to Savannah and shake your head.

“Peace,” you shrug and angrily wipe your eyes,

“A normal life”

—————

Once you got back to the room you scream, you screamed so loud and cried and pulled at your roots, you saw yourself in the mirror and threw it off the wall just so you wouldn’t have to look at yourself

“Be normal!,” you screamed at yourself. You felt like a noose was around your neck and the ground beneath you opened up leaving you hanging, feet kicking, desperate for air.

“Why can’t I b-be norm-mal?,” you choked on your words and clawed at your throat. Everything was upside down and spinning.

You didn’t hear the door open, you didn’t know anyone was in the room until your dad picked you up and dragged you outside.

The cool air rushed its way into your nasal passages and your chest opened up with a gasp. You couldn’t see your dad because of the tears, you could barely hear him.

“N-norm-mal... I wanna be normal,” You kept repeating over and over until your body gave out succumbed to your meltdown. Sam hugged your body and rocked you back and forth, despite people watching from their own rooms or passing by.

“We’re gonna get you help,”

“I don’t want he-help. I want it to end! I want black out from all the shit I take a-and not wake up!,”

Sam didn’t know what to do. He knows the trauma he caused you was a part of the reason you’re in this spot and mindset.

“I ruin everything I touch... I... I just..,” out of all the things you could have become- you had to become an addict. At first you didn’t want to acknowledge it because you were functioning just fine, that is until you couldn’t wake up and go about your day without it, you couldn’t do basic daily tasks without popping a perc here and there, until you couldn’t go to sleep without taking something, “I want it to stop but then- then again I don’t b-because I love it- it’s disgusting,”

“It’s going to be okay,”

“But it’s not. Nothing is okay a-and you need to get comfortable with the idea of this killing me because- because it’s going to happen,”

———

“I don’t think drinking is going to help, Sam”

Tony took the cup from Sam and he lost it, “I’m gonna lose my daughter and it’s all my fault,”

Tony didn’t know how to talk about this kind of thing- what can be said?

“It’s no one’s fault, Sam. Life doesn’t always hand us the best cards,”

Sam sniffled and shook his head, lost, frustrated, angry, upset, “What can I do? I’m losing hope,”

“I don’t think you’re going to like my answer but it seems to be her best option,”

Sam looked hopeful- anything will do as long as it gave you a chance to get clean and stay alive

“What is it?,”

———

“Inpatient rehab?!,”

He dropped the bombshell when you all got back home. Dropped it right in front of everyone- maybe he expected you to welcome the idea with open arms but you know what goes on behind those closed doors.

“You’re fucking kidding!,” you had dark circles under your eyes and your lips were dry- your dad had literally kept you on lock down the remainder of the trip, you didn’t even have in person contact with Eve but you did however end up with her number to hit her up whenever.

“You admitted you had a problem, honey. This could be good for you,” Bucky spoke up and you scoffed loudly.

“I’m not going!,” You tugged on the sleeves of your maroon sweater and paced the room, “They’re just going to lock me in a room to the point where I have cold sweats and screaming for more morphine to make the pain, itches and delusions stop!,”

Nat tried to take your hand in hers but you slapped her hand away.

“Y/N!,” Keith stomped his foot and you stared at his small stature. Tears glistening in his eyes, bottom lip quivering, “You need help!! Stop it!,”

You scowled and turned away from your baby brother. Your body trembled as you tried to keep the sobs in.

“When do I go?,”

You weren’t prepared for the answer, but you should have expected it yet your stomach still dropped.

“They’ll be here to pick you up in an hour,”

—————

“Nothing is real,” you mumbled to yourself as you stare at yourself in the mirror. Your face was dull, eyes boring and empty, hair thinning, appetite decreasing. You’d think being here for 60 days so far would do you some good but no...

You barely slept. The first 30 days you cried and screamed to be saved but now you barely even speak. You sat back on your bed just to turn to the wall.

“Wilson- you have visitors,” the nurse came into your room and saw you sitting facing the wall. You were now eligible to have visitors and spend time with family and friends.

“Don’t want visitors,” you cleared your throat and stared at the pale yellow paint on the wall, judging the job of the painters for leaving so many air bubbles in the paint.

“This could do you some good,” your nurse shuts the door behind her and sits with you on your bed, “Your family loves and misses you. Seeing them could motivate you to finish this strong,”

That made you laugh, genuinely. Your body shook with an animated belly laugh.

“They fucking locked me away in here,” you frowned, feeling sick to your stomach, “They let those people drag me away and lock me in here. Fuck their love, it’s not real!,”

She sighed and nodded knowing nothing she said would change how you feel. She’s seen it plenty of times before. She’s seen people recover completely yet still resent their families and loved ones for sending them here.

“I’m always able to contact them if you ever change your mind,”

“Fat chance,”

——

The nurse walked to the family area to see the hopeful faces of your family and loved ones. They hadn’t seen you in 60 something days.

“I’m sorry but Y/N isn’t feeling well enough to have visitors,” the nurse plays with her watch band and hates to see the way everyone’s faces drops.

“I want to see my sister!,” Keith tugged on Sam.

“What do you mean she’s not feeling well? She should be feeling at least a little fine in this stage right?,”

She sighs and shakes her head, “The stages in recovery are subjective. Chemical dependency is a hard thing to battle- some days she’s fine and some days like today she’s angry at everything and everyone. As much as I would like for her to see everyone, we can not force her,”

Steve stands up and sets a hand on Sam’s shoulder, “On a day, that she’s feeling better, will you call us?,”

“Of course,”

———

“I know she’s still angry,” Sam sent Savannah and Keith to their rooms while he stayed up with everyone else, “She’s my daughter, I know how she is. She holds grudges a-and she’s still upset,”

“Maybe, but she’ll see this was something she needed,” Bruce tried to make things better but nothing would be better until you were.

“How did things get this bad?,” he slammed his glass on the table and startled everyone.

“I know it’s hard right now but just- just calm down, Sam,” Bucky worried about his friend. He could only imagine how much he was losing his mind and hope on the inside.

“Calm down?,” Sam asked incredulously, “Calm the fuck down?! How can I calm down when I don’t even know if I’m going to see my daughter again, man?,” the legs of the chair screeched against the floor as he stood up in a rush.

Wanda rested a hand on his arm to try and soothe him but he wasn’t having it, “We get it, Sam. We know you’re hurting-,”

“But you don’t!,” he shouted, “You weren’t there when I got a phone call at work from her school nurse saying she had cuts all on the inside of her thigh! You didn’t see it! It looked like fucking grid paper and crosshatching! You weren’t there when I had to sit there in therapy and listen to the way she talks about herself and her life and me- my daughter hates herself and genuinely thinks I hate her and she believes everything that goes wrong is her fault- you didn’t hear the way she talked about herself!,”

For longest time Sam kept quiet about all of this, just wanting to push through it until it got better but it was time he faced the music.

“You weren’t there when she screamed at me, telling me she wished she was never born and I just stood there calling her ungrateful, selfish and dramatic! I didn’t listen to her, I only paid attention to Savannah and Keith and left her feeling unloved. You weren’t there when I caught her sneaking out and she was drunk, you weren’t there when I ignored everything the psychiatrist said about her having an addictive personality and excused all the signs she started to display until I fucking found her blacked out with throw up all over her!,”

He realized he couldn’t just pin it all on you. You were suffering and he hated himself for not realizing it until he was.

No one knew what to say- they were only outsiders, sure they were family but they didn’t get an inside scoop until a few months ago when they got a phone call from Sam saying you were in the hospital. They still didn’t know how to handle it. They could fight bad guys and fucking aliens all day but addiction of a loved one? That was new and left them stumped.

“But damn you were there when she talked about being okay with it if this just killed her. No one wants to hear a loved one say that- especially their child!,” he ran a hand over his face to get rid of the tears, he felt like he didn’t have a right to cry, “I did a lot of wrong as her father and I didn’t even think how my shitty actions contributed to where she is now. Now my daughter could be dying while trying to recover,”

Tony stood up and pulled Sam in a hug, grateful that Sam was seeing everything from a different perspective than his own. He was grateful that Sam was a father trying to right his wrongs and do better.

“It’s not too late,”

————

Your nurse came a few times a week letting you know that you had visitors but you turned them away each time.

The cold sweats happened less, you ate more, your skin started to warm up again and you could finally sleep throughout the night but you still wouldn’t see them. It’d probably bring back a ton of memories that would trigger you to relapse.

You earned yourself time out of the facility but only with supervision. Your nurse, Brielle, accompanied you to trips to the park and lunches.

“Y/N?,”

You looked in the direction of the voice and saw Savannah smiling at seeing you but fear just filled you.

She looked different, she cut her hair and dyed it, her make up was softer and her style was more... indie?

“I’ve missed you so much,” she moved in for a hug but you moved away only to see her smile drop, “Y/N, don’t do that. I’m your sister,”

“I’m recovering from substance abuse not amnesia,” You scowled. You turned to Brielle and asked her to go.

“Why can’t you just be normal?,”

Savannah’s voice echoed in your head and you felt a band around your head tightening yet again, it was your body’s reaction to let you know that you need to get out of the situation or else you’d fall subject to a mental break.

“Brielle, we gotta go,” You scooted out of the booth, past Savannah and tugged Brielle out of the restaurant- forgetting that you were even ordering.

“Y/N please! Talk to me! Talk to Keith, Dad! We miss you,”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!!,” you covered your ears and dropped down against the car, feeling dizzy, feeling every swirl around you as you tried to grasp onto reality.

“Grow through what you go through, grow through what you go through, grow through what you go through,”

You repeated the mantra over and over again. It’s a mantra designed specifically for you. Every patient gets their own mantra for when they feel like they’re losing. Yours is to help you remind yourself that nothing is ever easy but that doesn’t mean give up... life and it’s struggles will always be there but that doesn’t mean stunt your growth and efforts. Grow through what you go through.

“That’s right, you’re doing great,” Brielle whispered, she looked at Savannah over her shoulder and shook her head, “I know it’s hard not seeing her but it’s in Y/N’s best interest that she be willing to see you or anyone else on her own terms,”

Savannah hated to see you crouched on the ground, shaking and mumbling to yourself. She mumbled a sorry before rushing over to her car and crying to herself as she drove home and bursting through the doors, clearly upset to everyone else.

“Dad what’s wrong with, Vanna?,”

Sam looked up to see Savannah cursing to herself, and crying. She wasn’t upset with anyone but herself.

“She looked so scared of me!,”

Sam’s stomach dropped, he didn’t even have to ask who ‘she’ was.

“You saw her?,” Sam didn’t trust his voice and there was a reason for it.

“She was out with her nurse. She looks so much better a-and she looks healthy, she’s eating again. She doesn’t look she’s dying!,”

Savannah was rambling and frustrated that she triggered you like that, “I saw her, I spoke to her but I scared her so bad she fell to the ground and covered her ears so she wouldn’t hear me talking, I- what if she relapses and it’s all my fault?,”

Sam pulled his sobbing daughter into his arms and calmed her down as best as he could, “She’s your sister, anyone in that situation would have done what you did, you miss her and that’s valid,”

It mad him feel good that you seemed to be getting better, that you looked healthy and lively. He just hoped you would be willing to see everyone soon.

------

“You have visitors today but I can send them aw-,”

“I’ll be out in a minute,” it’s been another 30 days and you figured it’s time to face the music, face everyone and maybe get the supposed closure everyone was saying you needed,

You missed her initial shock from your response but she nodded and waited for you anyway. You slipped on your cardigan and slippers, then let Brielle lead you to the visiting area.

Everyone expected to be turned away again but when they saw a second body behind Brielle, they all stood up ready to greet you but she held her hands up in caution

“It’s best to not overwhelm her and to let her initiate any contact,”

Sam just wanted to hug his daughter and let her know how sorry he was but he knew she was right. 

You hated the way you felt their eyes burning into you, you couldn't bear to look at them, not yet, so your eyes focused on getting your foot directly in the center of each tile on floor. Brielle sat you down across from them and told you she’d be right outside if you needed anything.

Then there you all were. Face to face.

“It’s been so long,” Keith whimpered, “I missed you so much,”

You played with a stray string in your cardigan and sighed.

“It’s been a long four months, sweetie. I missed you so much,” Sam just wanted you to look at him. Your hair was getting thick again, you skin shone under the sun, your lips were moisturized with color instead of grey and chapped. He could see you were doing better

“Four months, 17 days, 3 hours, 44 minutes and” You cut your attention to the clock on the wall, “12 seconds,” your voice was hoarse and you cursed yourself for it, “That's how long it’s really been,” you wrapped your arms around yourself as a comforting gesture.

“I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to push you to that point, baby. I should have been better,”

“Life is too short to feel sorry for ourselves,” you looked up at the ceiling light and shrugged, “This place is all about being philosophical. Don’t be sorry, be better. That’s all they fucking say,” you grit through your teeth.

“Like oh, don't feel sorry for yourself- no one forced you to drink so much, no one told you to roll up that dollar bill, no one held a gun to your head and told you to take those pretty pills with cool names that look like candy,” you smiled and laughed at yourself, the nervous tick you’ve developed to keep from crying.

“No one told you to be ungrateful and hate the gift of life that was given to you, so don't feel sorry for yourself, be better,” you used a mocking voice and rolled your eyes, “There’s no need to blame yourself, the common variable is me, I have to be accountable for my actions,” 

Everyone was worried about how scripted this sounded but they dubbed it down to you being a little upset about being forced here, still.

“I still should have been a better, dad,”

“We aaalll make mistakes, Sammy,” he didn’t miss that you didn’t call him dad. Everyone caught it, “But not every dad kicks their family out on Christmas eve with nowhere to go in the freezing cold,”

His heart stopped, he’s never forgiven himself for that drunken mistake. The marriage problems between him and your mom drove him to develop a drinking problem and due to his little problem, it caused him to mess up a lot of things up. 

“Why was it me? Like why did Savannah and Keith get to move past all of this and I’m the one stuck? I’m the one suffering even while recovering?”

No one could answer that.

“Why did I have to be the one to talk to the cops because you sent me back to mom with bruises on my legs, huh? I didn’t want to- I didn’t want them to go after you because you were still my dad- I still loved you after yelling at me at dinner, I still loved you after sending me back to mom early when you couldn’t stand to be around me- I still loved you when you moved away and missed big chunks in my life but you kept Sav and Keith. What did I do? Tell me, please, maybe I can fix it, maybe I can be better. I just want my dad to love me,”

“I do love you Y/N! And I’ll never forgive myself for-,

“Don't be sorry! Be better!,” you shouted over him. Angry with yourself that you began crying.

No one knew what to say. Everyone else was here for support but this was clearly a father and daughter situation.

“Did you ever love me?,”

A question a child should never have to ask their parent.

“When I got the call that your mother was in labor with you on my birthday the world stopped,” Sam sat with his elbows on his knees, looking dead at you but you still wouldn’t look at him, “You were the best gift I could have ever asked for.. ever. After we had you, I can’t tell you what went wrong because I don’t know,”

“It’s my fault,” You sobbed, “Say it! It’s my fault. Had I not been born, everyone’s life would be better!,”

You finally looked at him and everyone could see the fire in your eyes, wild and couldn’t be tamed, your trauma being the fuel.

“It’s not your fault at all. I have failed you as a father and I... I let it go on for far too long without acknowledging it and apologizing for it before it got too late,”

“If I could go back in time to make things better I would. I never wanted you to feel unloved or that life would be better without you,”

He hated to be sitting across from you, your mind dead set on him hating you. He just screwed up a lot in his life.

“I let you down so much. I love you more than you could ever know. I just fucked up a lot as your dad,”

“Y/N, sweetie, I know this is hard,” Tony chimed, “But this could be a new beginning for you both. You’re recovering and he’s trying to right his wrongs before it’s too late. It’s not going to be easy and I know everything hurts and it’s going to take time but you know what they say.. grow through what you go through,”

You didn’t have time to ask how he knew your mantra, but it made sense eventually.

“I forgave you a long time ago, dad,” you pulled your cardigan sleeves down, and used them to wipe your eyes, “I didn’t think it’d matter if I became Falcon’s candy flipping daughter or not, I just wanted to make everything stop. I- I just wanted to be numb so I didn’t feel bad about any and everything,”

Sam didn’t take into account how much you were actually battling in day to day life. He didn’t believe anything the psychiatrist was saying when you were 10, if only he did, all of this could have been avoided.

“I’m still fighting my want to just relapse in anyway I can but... I can’t bring myself to do it because I know if I do, that might be it and I don’t want it to be that way dad,” 

He reached out to grab your hands and could have sobbed when you didn’t move away

“It doesn't have to be,“

------

180 days is a long time, it might not seem like it, but it is a long ass time for someone to go without something that they believe made them better. Someone who took multiple substances at a time just to shut down their mind so they don’t remember things, so they don’t feel things.

“You gonna be ok watching Keith? We need Sav on this,”

“I got him, dad. Just be safe,”

Sam hated to admit it but he was still worried to leave you alone. He made Tony put away all of his alcohol and set up a security code so no one could get in it.

“I won’t have anyone over, I don’t know the code to the cellar. I’m not going to put Keith through that again, dad. Have a bit more trust in me,”

He watched the way your eyes twinkled and nodded before kissing your cheek and heading out with the team.

“Can we play mancala? No one else likes to play it with me,“

“Sure thing, bud. Let’s go,”

You two played mancala for multiple rounds, just for him to beat you almost every time. You two watched Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader for hours while eating shitty kraft mac and cheese before getting him ready for bed.

“Can you stay with me? So I know you’re safe,” 

“Did dad put you up to that?,“

“I just miss my big sister, Y/N,” He sat up and played with his blanket, “I almost saw you dead... you wouldn’t talk to us for forever, I just missed my big sister,” you didn’t mean to make him cry.

“Hey, hey, I’m right here buddy, I’ll stay, okay?,”

You crawled under his blanket and held him tight and he held you even tighter, not wanting you to leave. 

----

You don’t know what triggered the nightmare but you woke up in your own room, right on the floor, sweaty and panting. You never sleep walk. You felt something stick to your sweaty palm and look down to see a small plastic baggie with those pretty blue pills from the night you blacked out. 

You threw it across the room and curled up against the side of your bed whimpering your mantra to yourself.

“Would you like me to call for help?,” Friday spoke overhead.

“I'm okay,” you clenched your eyes shut and did what you could to muster up the strength to just get up and flush them. It should have been a relief to do it but you felt a pang in your chest. You should have been proud of yourself for having the strength to not break sobriety. 

“I thought you said you were gonna be okay?,” Keith’s voice scared the hell out of you, “If you were going to be okay then you wouldn’t look so upset as you flushed them,“

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, Keith. Go back to bed,“

“I’m telling dad,”

“Tell him what?,” you snapped your neck to him, eyes narrowing, “What? that I’m still fucking struggling? Yeah, I’ll tell him myself, bud,”

“He’s gonna send you back,” Keith didn’t mean to scare you, he was just worried and his words weren’t coming out right.

“I’d rather shit in my hands and clap,” you threw the baggie away and walked past him to sit on your bed to just try and calm down.

“Do I need to call him,”

“No,”

“Then what needs to happen?,”

“I need you to just be quiet!,” you hated raising your voice at him, but the rambling and patronizing was not helping.

“I’m calling dad,”

--------------

It was past midnight when they were all headed back and Sam got the phone call from Keith.

“Hey, son,”

“Y/N was walking while she was asleep and then woke up with a bag of pills in her hands,”

“What? she didn’t take any did she?,” Sam’s tone had everyone turning to him with expressions of worry.

“No but she looked sad when she flushed them,”

Sam sighed happily when he heard you’d flushed them. But for you to seem sad while doing so?  that couldn’t be a good thing.

“She’s mad that I called you but you need to know, she locked herself in her room after yelling at me. I can hear her crying and talking to herself. I didn’t mean to make her mad, dad,”

Sam sighed and sat back down beside Savannah who was waiting for her dad to hang up so she could know what was happening.

“She’s going to be okay, bud. You have to understand that what she went through was not easy. She might be out of hat place but she’s fighting everyday  to continue to get better and get her mind far away from that stuff as best as she can. We have to be patient, okay?,”

You had been pacing in your room. You knew all of this would put you so many steps back with your dad and his trust. You flinched at the sound of knocking at your door and his voice.

“Sweetie, open up,” 

You didn’t want to face him right now. You didn’t want to talk about it, nothing. You didn’t need anyone scolding you as you were already scolding yourself. You hadn’t stopped beating yourself up about it.

Sam didn’t want to freak out when you didn’t reply. He didn’t want to admit that he thought the worst, “Honey, please,”

“Dad, I am fine. Get some rest,” another step back. You were doing good not shutting anyone out but the moment something goes down, you forget all your effort.

“Y/N, I am not here to be mad at you. I am here to make sure you’re okay and to let you know I am here. You just gotta let me in,”

You cursed to yourself before walking over to the door to unlock it and let him in. He didn’t hesitate to pull you into a tight hug. 

“I didn’t take anything,”

“I know... even if you did- I wouldn’t be mad at you, disappointed yes, but mad? No. Relapse sometimes comes with recovery,”

You don’t know that Sam had been attending seminars for parents that have kids battling different things such as addiction. Multiple lessons were learned as well as communication pointers. 

“I didn’t mean to do that while Keith was here. I understand if you don’t trust me anymore,”

“I still trust you, Y/N. You don’t need to be beating yourself up right now. You did the right thing in flushing whatever you had, even if it did make you a little sad and made you feel like you needed it in that moment. Be proud of yourself. You took a big step forward by doing that, be proud,”

“How can I be proud when I hate myself for flushing them?,” you had to be honest. You wouldn’t be feeling this if you weren’t presented with them. It made you feel weak. You should be able to look at these things and be able to say no with no guilt.

“Because you flushed them regardless. This takes time, Y/N. I’m being patient with you now, so you have to learn to be patient with yourself. Rome wasn’t built in a day,”

“Yeah well the people who built it up weren’t highed up on something now were they?,” 

“Don’t be self-deprecating. You’re still going strong. Be proud even if you feel like there isn’t a reason to be,”

You knew he was right. Whether you were sad about flushing them, you still got the guts to do it and that’s commendable, you should be proud. You were kicking your ass when you should be happy and feel relief. You shouldn’t be feeling this weight, you shouldn’t be feeling guilty.

You’re growing through what you go through and that deserves a pat on the back.

---------------

You don’t know how you got here. You went back to school and shit came crumbling down. You were going strong but the weight of responsibility and insecurity became too much. Walking down the fucking halls everyday, comparing yourself to every girl that looked like barbie then going to the bathroom to stare at your reflection and pick yourself apart until the voices became too loud for you to handle so you went to the school plug and slapped money in his hand

“Anything will do,”

After school he came back and handed you a black plastic bag with cheap alcohol in it. You hid in an empty class room and barely drank a quarter of the bottle before you felt sick, like your body was rejecting what you were trying to force down into it. 

Your fingers moved faster than your mind, grabbing for your phone and dialing away.

“Hello?,”

You sniffled and held the bottle close to your chest, “Uncle Tony? I- I...,” you hiccuped and hugged the bottle close to your chest, “Uncle Tony, I messed up,”

-----

He was there for you in no time. He knew you wouldn’t want to talk about it but he knew your dad would have to find out about this. 

“I don’t wanna go back. I’m done growing through what I grow through, its a crock of shit,”  you stared out the window, eyes heavy.

“I know the fight becomes annoying,” Tony sighed, “But from the looks of it, your body has already made a decision for you,” 

He was right, a few sips and your body was angry with you. You should be thankful because it didn’t always work like that with other people who were fighting this like you. Others bodies often welcomed such a thing back easily, the bodies of some couldn’t even continue the fight without it before giving out.

“Plus you let someone know, as soon as it happened. Everyone can see your efforts. You may be tired of growing through it but it’s become natural for you and you don’t even realize it, though I can’t blame you. I was the same way,”

He sprinkled that last bit in there like it was a dash of parsley to complete a dish and it had your neck snapping to look at him. “Excuse me?,”

He chuckled and raised his eyebrows all while mumbling “well,” he pulled to a stop light and looked over at you, “I wasn’t always the polished hero I am now,”

He patted your leg in a hopeful manner, “In my days of college, getting drugs was as easy as buying cola from the corner store. Trying to run a company that my dad didn’t really want me to have in the first place to staying up all day everyday to make it through college was bound to get me in some trouble,” the light turned green and he lightly put his foot on the gas to continue the peaceful rid home, “I’d snort some coke to keep me away and focus long enough to study, I thought it was normal because the other students were doing it, until it wasn’t about trying to focus on school anymore. It was about  how high I could get and how good I could feel to the point I couldn’t walk out my dorm in the morning for class without rubbing a little on my gums or cutting up a quick line,”

“How’d you kick it?,” You never would have thought he batted such a thing, he changed for the better and picked himself up.

“The nose bleeds. The doctor told me if I didn’t stop I wouldn’t see the day I graduated. Told me I’d never see the day where I became the man I deserved as a role model as a kid. I wanted to be better than him. In a moment of weakness, my recovery was fueled by spite,” 

“I guess everyone’s come-to-Jesus meeting is a bit different,” you give a small smile and shrug, “Mine was when Keith practically slapped some sense into me. He’s a kid, who wants their little sibling walking around knowing their older sibling is a fucking fiend?,” you give a harsh scoff and roll your eyes as you feel tears coming, “He didn’t deserve to see me like that, that night- in and out of consciousness, watching them pump me full of coal and other shit to keep me alive, that screwed up his head and he’s barely hit puberty yet,”

Tony could almost hear the tears in your voice, you had your head turned to look out the window, he didn’t need to see your face to know.

“He’s your ticket out of the dark room,”

-----

Your dad didn’t put you back in the rehabilitation center because you owned up to knowing you messed up, because you called someone for help, knowing the slight possibility that you might have gotten a few people upset.

It was all trial and error, a constant fight, day and night even in your moments of shut eye. 

It was a learning experience for Sam, it taught him how to be a better dad, taught him that although he can’t go back and change things, he still has now to break habits and form healthy ones and make them the foundation of a healthy relationship between father and child.

He was in your corner and that helped keep your head above water.

Addiction and mental illness were never cut and dry. There’d always be doubts and close calls of near relapse but it was a fight you’d be willing to put up with 24/7. 

You never wanted to be back in that dark room of addiction. Driving yourself insane trying to find the next fix so you feel “normal”- but there was nothing normal about forcing yourself to be numb, there was nothing normal about denying you need help. Nothing normal whatsoever about forcing chemicals that could kill you into your body just to be happy. 

This, this right here was normal. Feeling pain, fighting, crying, trials, everything that you’re feeling now. Feeling is normal, even if it hurts sometimes.

You’d never stop growing through what you go through, but the fight.. that effort you put in.. it’ll always be worth it.

---------------------

this took so long to write because I was never satisfied with it. I kept editing and erasing and adding more. And here is the finished product. It doesn’t have to resonate with you but here it is. Thank you for the love and support you guys always gift me.

REBLOGS AND COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS ENCOURAGED AND APPRECIATED>

tags: @vozit @blackreaders-assemble @retroxvailles @champangebucky @sambucky8 @princess-toshii @sebbyslut @titty-teetee @ilovefanfic86 @valkyriesnymph @dumbchick @mbaku-babygirl​ @veryhellshdia @persephones24 @here-for-your-bullshit @mokacoconut @spideys-wife @xye-weirdo @chonisberonica @disaster-rose @micki-smiles @valentinevirgo @yournonlocalpoc​ @warmchick​ @hisxblackxqueen​

[eldritchsurveys]

924.

5k Survey XLII

2151. Should fun or safety come first? >> I’d imagine that depends on one’s goals. When it comes to skydiving, one should learn to be safe (take the lessons) before one goes on to enjoy the experience (start actually skydiving). But also, if you take a more psychological approach to the word “safety”, sometimes one has to take a little social risk to get to something fun, and that can feel unsafe, but it [ideally] ends up being worth it. 2152. Does mind over matter work for you? >> I’m not sure in what sense you mean. 2153. What’s the most weight you ever lost in one year? >> I don’t know. Whenever that happened, it’s when I wasn’t paying attention to things like my weight. 2154. What are your feelings about punk and goth? >> I love goth and I have affection for punk because it is kin to goth. 2155. Did you ever write something when you were high and then looked at it sober and realized that it was nonsense? >> No, I don’t think anything I wrote while intoxicated seemed nonsensical when looking at it sober -- maybe a little more inscrutable or revealing than my usual writings, but still within my normal mental/emotional/spiritual frameworks.

2156. How often do you shave: your face? I don’t shave. your legs?  under your arms? 2157. What word do you often hear people misuse? >> I can’t think of any right now. 2158. Have you ever used somebody? >> It’s possible. I’ve had to do a variety of things to survive. 2159. Are you paranoid? >> Not typically, but I can be. 2160. What is the best music video of all time? >> --- 2161. How many Shakespeare plays have you read all the way through? >> Only Romeo & Juliet and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I know I was taught Hamlet but I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually read the whole thing. Also, I comprehended almost nothing I read when it came to Shakespeare, so does it even count as reading at that point... 2162. What was the deepest religious or spiritual experience you’ve ever had? >> Not going to get into it here, that’s for sure. I’ve written multiple long-form posts about this kind of thing, so it’s not casual fare. 2163. What is it like to be you today? >> I’m not sure how to answer this. 2164. Do you like to play games? >> Video games, sure. 2165. Have you made any good friends on this diary site? >> --- 2166. Have you met anyone from open diary? >> --- 2167. What have you done lately that gave everyone something to talk about? >> Nothing??? 2168. Do you get along with people who annoy you, disagree with you, dislike you, and hate you? >> If I’m annoyed by someone, or hated by someone, I’m definitely not getting along with them...  2169. When you ask for something do you make a request or a demand? >> I mean, a demand isn’t an ask, so obviously if I’m asking for something it’s a request....... 2170. Who are you a bad influence on? >> I have no idea. 2171. Who are you a good influence on? >> I have no idea. 2172. Who is on your christmas list this year? >> Who?? 2173. How many other people do you know of that are doing this survey? >> Just Elizabeth (Elisabeth? can never remember if it’s a Z or an S, one day I’ll get it right), who I’m taking this from, and someone else in the survey tag. 2174. Have you ever intentionally had a one night stand? >> Yes. 2175. Do you tend to get car sick? >> No. 2176. What is the length of your hair? >> Like, a couple of centimeters. 2177. Do you like to listen to techno music? >> Sure. 2178. Have you ever dyed your hair an unusual color? >> Long time ago, yeah. 2179. What do you think of these diary names? Oculto: suffer victim: With A Purpose:  Almost_Famous: In.The.Name.Of.Lust: The Phallic Stapler:  <*>SeXyCandace<*>: 2180. What do you think of these entry titles? Lesbians … as far as the eye can see: Why Avril Lavigne sucks:  Call On Jesus: Buddha-licious: WeLCome To The JungLe!: Geektastic: Should i get an abortion?: 2181. What do you find beautiful in an atypical way? >> I don’t know what that means. 2182. What would you PHYSICALLY fight someone over? >> Nothing. As previously stated, I have sub-zero interest in being in a physical altercation. 2183. What was the last thing you were invited to? >> I don’t remember. Probably Lauren’s birthday party.

2184. What do you like >> Either there was more to this question that got cut off, or you’re really being this vague at this point in the survey. Either way... Next. 2185. Have you ever drank:  chartruese? No. Was going to buy some for my birthday this year, and then fuckin COVID got in the way of all my plans. absinth? Yes, I drink it somewhat frequently. 2186. Do you plan your outfits ahead of time, pick them out the morning of, wear whatever was on the floor, or wear what you slept in? >> I just wear whatever I pull out of the drawer, when it’s time to change. Most of my clothing is pretty interchangeable. 2187. How long have you ever gone without changing your sheets: A long, long time. Months, probably. clothes: A few days, I imagine. underwear: Also a few days, I imagine. toothbrush: Probably ages, idk. 2189. What item should not be shared? >> Needles. 2190. How do you keep control of your temper? >> I don’t really have to work at this, I don’t have a very advanced temper. It’s my other emotions that tend to get out of hand. 2191. If you could gain all of your dreams by giving a family member (little brother) to the goblin king who would turn him into a goblin, would you? >> Ha! This situation doesn’t apply to me. Can I just be the goblin king instead? 2192. Do you like to listen to Duran Duran? >> No, but Hungry Like the Wolf is a bop. 2193. Do you ever feel the need for MORE than life has to offer? >> No...? What I want is what life does have to offer, but apparently didn’t want to offer to me. 2194. What is your favorite children’s story? >> The Phantom Tollbooth. 2195. Do you think that adult books should have more pictures? >> I love a good illustrated book, sure, why not? 2196. What was your all time low? >> --- 2197. Do you make up songs and sing them to yourself when you’re alone? >> No, I just sing songs that already exist. 2198. Do you like to listen to the Smashing Pumpkins? >> Yeah. This is one of those bands that annoyed me when I was a kid, but I enjoy now. 2199. Do you see the expression of emotion as weakness? >> Unfortunately, I had that concept instilled in me by an emotionally unavailable parent and emotionally abusive relatives. But I fucking hate that concept and I want desperately to be rid of it. 2200. Are you prepared in case of chemical, biological and nuclear attacks? >> I am not.

[lgbt-i-guess]

1-170 for those honest asks

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

idk 5′5″?

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

snaek

3: Do you have a favourite clothing style?

I rly like darker clothes

4: What was your favourite video game growing up?

alien vs predator

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

bf

my friend Caitlin

kai

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

emotionally unavailable for a while

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

u didn't insert the thing

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

phlegmatic

9: Are you ticklish?

very

10: Are you allergic to anything?

not anymore

11: What’s your sexuality?

atm I'm going for gay ace

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

cocoa

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

cat

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

vampire honestly

15: Do you have a favourite Youtuber?

callmekevin, graystillplays, or rtgames

16: How tall are you?

5′1″

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

like legally? either spencer cade or kai

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

idk? i think abt 57kg

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

yes

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

spaece

21: Are you religious?

not rly

22: Pet peeves?

leaving the door open when ive asked to close it

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

nocturnal

24: Favorite constellation?

orion

25: Favorite star?

idk

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

not rly?

27: Any phobias or fears?

bugs that fly

28: Do you think global warming is real?

yeah

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

yeah

30: Favorite movie?

idk rn

31: Do you get scared easily?

kinda

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

47 if u consider every animal thats lived in the house

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

5/10 ig ur anonymous

34: What is a colour that calms you?

blue

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

i wanna see mountains

36: Where were you born?

england

37: What is your eye colour?

blue

38: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert but also i have no shame

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

yeah

40: Hugs or kisses?

both is good

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

bf

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

bf

43: Any piercings you want?

ears

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

I DO

45: Do you smoke or have you ever done so?

i have not but my mum did

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

aaaaaaaaaaaa okay so

ive mostly been able to ignore this crush bc we dont talk much but hes so good im love him and idk what to say s o

47: What is a sound you really hate?

scrapping

48: A sound you really love?

bf laugh

49: Can you do a backflip?

i can not

50: Can you do the splits?

i can not

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

tom holland

52: Favorite movie?

idk is this a repeat question

53: How are you feeling right now?

hungy

54: What colour would you like your hair to be right now?

blue. bright blue.

55: When did you feel happiest?

idk i think when my bfs and i started dating

56: Something that calms you down?

hugs

57: Have any mental conditons? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

yeah i have:

- depression

- autism

- adhd

58: What does your URL mean?

well i was remaking my blogs after the age purge and i was making the discourse one and went “okay what is this about” and thought “idk lgbt i guess”

59: What three words describe you the most?

idk

60: Do you believe in evolution?

yeah

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

not much

62: What makes you follow a blog?

interesting

63: Favorite kind of person:

idk

64: Favorite animal(s):

canine

65: Name three of your favourite blogs.

@shutthefuckup-terfs @official-cisphobe @purgatorian-princess

66: Favorite emoticon:

idk

67: Favorite meme:

idk

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

idk

69: What is your star sign?

aquarius

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

she can if its my brother asking

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

i have one outfit

72: Post a selfie or two?

im p sure i already have

73: Do you have platform shoes?

no

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

idk

75: Can you do a front flip?

i can not

76: Do you like birds?

i do

77: Do you like to swim?

i do

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun for you?

swimming

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

trump

80: Something you wish did exist:

dragon

81: Piercings you have?

i did have my ears pierced but they healed

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

reading

83: Favorite person to talk to:

bf

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

it was rly nice

85: How many followers do you have?

232

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

i cant run ten metres

87: Do your socks always match?

sometimes

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

i cant stand w my legs straight

89: What are your birthstones?

amethyst

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

idk

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

blac

92: A store you hate?

m&s

its nice but the sound is bad

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

i dont

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

fly

95: Do you like to wear camo?

yes

96: Winter or summer?

winter

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

10secs

98: Least favourite person?

family

99: Someone you look up to:

idk

100: A store you love?

euro pizza

101: Favorite type of shoes

slippers

102: Where do you live?

northumberland

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

no

104: What is your favourite mineral or gem?

quartz

105: Do you drink milk?

i do im a milkdrinker

106: Do you like bugs?

no theyre demons

107: Do you like spiders?

no

108: Something you get paranoid about?

being watched

109: Can you draw:

kinda

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

idk

111: A question you hate being asked?

idk

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

no

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

yesss

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

cloudy

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

bf

116: Favorite cloud type:

idk

117: What colour do you wish the sky was?

purpura

118: Do you have freckles?

i do not

119: Favorite thing about a person:

idk

120: Fruits or vegetables?

fruit

121: Something you want to do right now:

idk

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

ocean

123: Sweet or sour foods?

sweet

124: Bright or dim lights?

dim

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

idk

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

bigots

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

art

128: What do you think about the least?

idk

129: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“bastard at heart”

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

brother

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

clingyness

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

sometimes

133: Computer or TV?

computer

134: Do you like roller coasters?

no

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

no

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

attached

137: Do you believe in karma?

yeah

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

5

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

idk

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

yeah

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

yeah

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence on others?

idk

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

idk

144: What makes you angry

disrespect

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

1

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

boys + boy nbsz

147: Are you androgynous?

yeah

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

idk

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

idk

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

bf

other bf

idk

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

idk

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

unsolved yeah

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have  one.]

i joined a discord server

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

kinda

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

yeah

156: What embarrasses you?

why would i tell u

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

idk

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

idk

159: How many people are you following?

1215

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

3343

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

1

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

2272

163: Last time you cried and why:

idk

164: Do you have long or short hair?

short

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

waist

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion?

for the most part its dislike when it comes to organised religion but if its just personal its fine

167: Do you really care how the universe and world were created?

kinda

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

sometimes

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

nope

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

yeah

[ihateeveryoneincludingmyself]

i don’t think anyone I know irl has my tumblr so I’m just gonna vent here.

so in May I met this girl on tinder, and we hit it off super fast and we talked nonstop it was honestly pretty overwhelming because I didn’t remember what it was like to have someone into me. she was trying to move very quickly and I’m very emotionally unavailable so I didn’t want to get into a relationship with her.

we remained friends. super good friends. she even considered me her best friend which I didn’t even know she felt that strongly until we started to fight. thought I was just some dude she talked to when she wasn’t hanging out with her irl friends.

our first fight happened when I realized how deeply she’s into the awful college student drinking partying culture. to be clear because this is something she doesn’t fucking understand, I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF. okay so here’s why I’m extra sensitive about this topic. my parents were alcoholics. also did heroin n shit but yeah I wasn’t allowed to live with them. and every time I see someone fucking wasted, it reminds me of them. i remember my grandpa taking me to restaurants to visit my parents and by the time we finished eating they were drunk. couldn’t even talk to them as a little kid. I lost my childhood due to alcoholism. i know this girl is just a college student partying blah blah blah but it can lead to worse and like.... seriously who the fuck wants to talk to someone who can’t even produce sentences? when you’re that intoxicated it’s simply not healthy even if I didn’t have trauma related to alcohol I would probably still be concerned. anyways, I progressively got more angry with her. i said a lot of things I shouldn’t have . i tore her apart in response to my anger. i hate myself for the way I treated her, but GUESS WHAT? she still doesn’t listen to me. still regularly getting wasted and it fucjing pisses me off because she goes around telling people that I don’t let her DRINK. LIKE SHES MISSING THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT!! IM GOING TO COPY AND PASTE EXACTLY WHAT I SAID BEFORE I GOT INTO DETAIL ABOUT THIS: I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF.

anyways, now as I said she still fucking gets wasted all the time,BUT SHE DOESNT TALK TO ME. but she posts about it on her Instagram story (which I’m blocked from seeing but.... I have my ways🤷🏻), she talks to other people JUST NOT ME. THAT WASNT MY FUCKING INTENTION WITH MY SERIES OF INTERVENTIONS. I WANTED HER TO BECOME MORE RESPONSIBLE WITH ALCOHOL? AND THEN SHE CAN ENJOY A DRINK AND STILL TALK LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. GOD IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY TO KNOW THAT SHES STILL BEING WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A GLORIFIED ALCOHOLIC, BUT SHE JUST DOESNT DRUNK TEXT ME ANYMORE.

ooh then another fight.... I was venting to an NOW EX FRIEND FUCK THAT BITCH SHE BOILS MY BLOOD JUST THINKING ABOUT HER of mine ..... AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOD I FUCKING HATE HER FOR WHAT SHE DID.... DECIDED TO SNITCH ON ME AND MESSAGE THE GIRL AND TELL HER THAT I WAS VENTING. AND SHE MISINTERPRETED AS ME “TALKING SHIT” WHEN I NEVER EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HER IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT. SOME PPL SAID “SHES TOXIC” I ALWAYS FUCKING DEFENDED HER BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH WE WERE FIGHTING I STILL ADORED HER. so yeah that put even more tension on our friendship. AND I DROPPED THE SNITCH GIRL RIGHT AWAY, I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE HER BECAUSE MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE GIRL COULDVE BEEN SAVED IF IT WASNT FOR HER. FUCK HER. I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH AND NOW THEYRE FRIENDS AND COMMENT ON EACHOTHERS POSTS AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH.

anyways, like I mentioned I said a lot of terrible things to her. i was really fucking angry and I said some terrible things which I deeply regret and I tried apologizing and making it up but now already our friendship was messed up.

also, she eventually ended up getting a boyfriend and like, if I said I wasn’t a little jealous I’d be lying but I was the one who rejected her in the first place so 😳😳it’s whatever. but she told her boyfriend everything about me and this guy now hates my guts LOL . ever since she started dating the guy she talked to me less and less.

and during a short period of time when we weren’t fighting I introduced her to a friend of mine and now they talk a lot and she likes him more so YES IM FUCKING JEALOUS AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

but this friend of mine she started talking to leads me to my breaking point. so you know she’s been distant because apparently every time we talk it’s a fight but I’m like BUT WHY?? and this next fight will show exactly how ITS NOT ALL MY FAULT, SHES TO FUCKING BLAME AS WELL!!

so she’s been ignoring me for a couple days after a PETTY FIGHT THAT I FELT WAS LITERALLY NOTHING JUST A SILLY LITTLE FIGHT THAT IDC ABOUT. basically she got mad because I was bullying that friend of mine about his league of legends stats 🤣 literally a fucking video game that she doesn’t like and she’s mad at me for TEASING MY FRIEND.

so I got kinda sad.... like why is she ignoring me??

she eventually responded after I sent her a looong paragraph with some identifying info so I’m not gonna show it. BUT HERES WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE ISNT GONNA TALK TO ME WHILE SHES GETTING DRUNK !!

okay the next screenshot has more identifying details so I’m not gonna share but basically she LIED TO ME SAYING SHE HAD NO SERVICE FOR 3 WHOLE DAYS BLAH BLAH BLAH WHILE I COULD GET PROOF THAT SHE WAS TEXTING MY FRIEND LIKE EVERY CHANCE SHE GOT . HE TOLD ME THEY STILL TALKED AND SHE WAS PURPOSELY IGNORING ME BC IM TOO STRESSFUL FOR WHATEVER. BUT SHE FUCKING LIED ABOUT IT

so basically, here’s how it’s not just my fault . yes, getting angry is my fault I could be a little less harsh. im working on it. BUT THIS GIRL HAS BEEN IGNORING ME FOR DAYS AND THEN LIES TO ME?? COME ON ISNT THAT A VALID REASON TO BE UPSET

anyways this is the last thing I sent her before deactivating my Instagram (I have her number too but we rarely talk on there). but the fact that she said we aren’t friends anymore.... broke my fucking heart. I broke down in tears. I had to stop myself from hurting myself or saying something dumb. so I ended it there.

i tried to hard to fix what we once had. yes, I’m at fault for being a dick and not being able to control my anger. but she’s at some fault for giving me valid reasons to be upset. i tried to hard to fix our friendship. but the more I try the more angry I get. she isn’t going to listen to me. she doesn’t even care about me anymore. it’s over.

ive been pretty suicidal lately. a few months ago I started cutting myself again after years and I hate myself for it. i pushed everybody away. she was the last person I regularly talked to. maybe now I can take a break from the fighting, try to get to a better place mentally, and try to get back in touch with some of my other friends, or make new friends.

idk I’m still very upset but this long ass vent that no one is gonna read helped a lot. this all happened over a few months and today was where I ended it. time to start a new chapter I guess

[thefeelingswehideinside]

Another Thing I Have Learned Dating My Anxiety-Ridden ENFP Boyfriend

Haha I’m baack with another thing and some backstory. 

Whenever any of my friends come to me with any sort of relationship problems, be it with a significant other or with a friend, etc. I have always been a big pusher for communication and talking. Well, let me tell you friends I am a hypocrite of the first order. While I love for people to communicate with me what their exact feelings are about my actions or our relationship, I am the worst at communicating my feelings. I have always felt as though I am a burden on people or a bother. And no matter how many times my other half has told me that I am not, or my dear boyfriend tells me that I should tell him things, I still feel like a bother. Which brings us to the past couple of days. 

I hate talking on the phone, I truly do. There is no time to fully absorb what the other person has said and craft an appropriate and fully encompassing response. Sue me, ya homegirl can be hella slow. So very few people get the wonderful privilege of me answering their phone call, even fewer get the privilege of me calling them to initiate a conversation. My other half is one of said people, and the boyfriend is the another. The past 3 or so times I have called him, I have been unsuccessful with reaching him. One time I didn’t realize that he was still at work, another time he was too wrapped up in his head to answer the phone and the last time he texted me that he was in an important meeting. All three times have happened one after another in the past couple of days, the important meeting one being the most recent. P.S the important meeting was about a video game guild that he’s been trying to get into for the last year. Each time I have tried to call I have gotten a text explaining why he can’t answer. On top of that he has been dealing with some bad days that have left him emotionally/mentally unavailable. 

With all of this going on, and the fact that I am up around 5am and crash before 11pm most days, our communication hasn’t gone past the surface. When we first started talking, we would talk all hours of the day about anything and everything. I know that’s how it’s supposed to be in every “honeymoon” phase of a relationship. I guess I didn’t realize how short that period would be. Because now, even with the understanding that life and work get in the way of our communication, I still feel abandoned and slightly forgotten to a certain extent. And when I try to process why I feel abandoned, I feel like I’m being clingy and selfish. Why? Because I want him to pay attention to me, and that means he has to stop playing video games at a certain time so I can be awake when he texts me. It means that he has to communicate what he wants me to do during his bad days. Which to me sounds like he has to cope with his emotions and mine during those dark periods. I don’t want to completely upset his daily routine/schedule by being part of his life. But at the same time, feeling alone is disrupting mine. I’ve begun shutting down emotionally for bits at a time so I don’t have to feel all the hurt emotions. Dealing with two customer service part time jobs is already taking every bit of me, and dealing with a boyfriend who appears to be ignoring me is almost heart breaking. Maybe because it reminds me of dad. Who knows. But I don’t want to seem too clingy or like the girl who constantly needs attention. I don’t want to be annoying. And now he’s begun to notice my texting patterns. He knows when I’m upset when I text him, no matter how neutral I try to keep things. Which leads to questions about why I’m not feeling okay. How do you tell a guy who has literally been the kindest man you’ve ever met and has promised to avoid doing everything every past guy and your father has done to you that you feel abandoned/ignored by him. It’ll crush him. So here I am, trying to untangle the ball of yarn in my head that has managed to weigh on my heart. 

[edgysocial]

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How to Beat Your Fear of People and Win a Sparkling Clear Mind

You’re reading How to Beat Your Fear of People and Win a Sparkling Clear Mind, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

Darn it! I humiliated myself in public. And blew it. …Again. I was standing literally right under the basketball hoop, completely wide open. And rather than shoot the ball, I turned around, dribbled out, and passed to a teammate. My team exploded with frustration on the sidelines. One of the most crushing moments of my life. I felt embarrassed beyond all belief. And I wanted nothing more than to escape from the gym, crawl in a hole, and die. I shudder and still feel anxious and embarrassed when I think about that moment. Definitely a low point. Why would I make such a decision? Why would I turn down a shot with a 95% chance of success? And this, even though I had done quite well in basketball in the past. It was a routine play – even for me. That happened 7 years ago. I was around 27 then. And I’m 34 today. But now, I’m happily married for 7 years (Bekah would tell you), own a house, love my work, and wake up excited to start the new day.

Nothing Destroys Your Ability To Think Clearly More Than Addiction

Absolutely nothing. I can tell you from firsthand experience. Compound this with social anxiety disorder (social phobia), an extreme fear of people and “failing” in public, and my mind was a muddled mess. My addiction intensified my social anxiety disorder by 100 times. And my social anxiety made it overwhelmingly difficult to open up to others and share what’s really going on with me. Both fed off each other, creating a vicious downward cycle that only got worse. Simple tasks, like calling customer service, telling my wife why I was angry or afraid, or even driving, looked nearly impossible.

How’d I Become a Social Phobic and Addict?

Keeping it short, I was always intensely anxious around people. I distinctly remember clinging to my father’s leg in fear, my face red with embarrassment, when some adults suggested I join some kids I didn’t know in a different room at a friend’s birthday party. Scary stuff for me at that age (4 or so). I also grew up in a home with emotionally unavailable parents. My father was an alcoholic. Mom was raging with anger because she was so depressed about it (although she’s never realized it). So, my dad was physically present. But, that’s it. His mind was elsewhere, unable to pay attention to my needs. Perpetually angry about something, my mom was mentally lost also. And me? Well, I was forgotten. So, I grew up with intense feelings of shame about myself. I felt guilty because mostly negative emotions like anger and criticism came at me. And I felt lonely and afraid because I never really told anyone how I felt about, well, anything. So, I lived my young life entirely inside my own mind. Occasionally, I tried to reach out and break the isolation. But, I couldn’t consistently do so in a meaningful way that allowed me to connect with anyone else (parents, friends, teachers, or other authority figures). I’d told a few friends about these issues. They’re response: ”Well, crap.” They didn’t know what to do. They wanted to help. But, they had no idea how. I don’t hold any animosity toward them. It just speaks to the powerfully confounding nature of social anxiety and addiction.

My Mind Overflowed with Self-Destructive Noise

The social anxiety was present. The fear built from ages 4-10. My first check-out from reality was actually in video games. I’d play those alone for hours. And it was hard to pull myself away. That, of course, intensified the fear of people. I wasn’t learning to have healthy relationships with others. I learned to keep everything inside. Around 12-14, my addiction took off. I discovered it through my friends. And then I turned to my addiction more and more on my own when I learned how to access it myself. If you’re not an addict, addictions only destroy. I gradually became increasingly obsessed with finding more ways to spend additional time on my addiction. I fantasized about it most of the day. And since I was so consumed with it, I never once thought of how I could connect with and help others. The addiction shot my self-esteem through the floor and my social anxiety through the roof. Working together, video games, the addiction, and social anxiety ran my mind 24/7. Real life, like paying attention at school, doing my best in sports, was an interruption to my private fantasy world. When I wasn’t consumed with one of those, I was caught up in some extremely unrealistic emotion. I believed anyone who merely looked at me in a way I didn’t like had a passionate hatred of me. Or, I focused on how much I hated myself. And in other cases, I figured people would simply disapprove, so I was afraid. Talk about a noisy mess! I still managed to pull good grades through all this. So, intellectually I somehow did fine. But I likely never came close to my full potential. My mind was neither here nor there. It was everywhere but in the present. In high school, I earned a reputation for being crazy. I was out-of-control with alcohol, a totally different person than the shy, anxious individual people saw during the day. Shocking. But also entertaining. I may have been the most popular person in high school. But I hated myself. I couldn’t stand me. Ick!

This Horrific Pattern Continued for Decades…What Changed?

As far as most people go, I became aware of my issues early. At 19, I had self-diagnosed as an addict and a social phobic. So, I went to recovery meetings at that age. But, it wasn’t happily ever after. It took me about a decade before I managed two years of sobriety. And then I lost it again. Today, I have nearly 3 years of sobriety and am going strong. What changed? I finally learned to prioritize self-growth over all else. For me, I’d battle with workaholism and material success in favor of personal growth. You can get away with that. But only for a while. If you don’t put your recovery first after some point in time, your addiction takes over and forces you to relapse and act on it. That’s what it means to be an addict. Some people can simply stop certain behaviors. But addicts eventually lose all power and control to stop themselves from acting on their addictive behaviors if they don’t work a thorough recovery program ahead of all else. I couldn’t get that perspective at the time, though. Relapsing was still my responsibility. But, I chose a bad thing and acted on my addiction. Fortunately, it didn’t cost me my house, job, or marriage. But it was emotionally devastating. Remember all those feelings of shame, guilt, and fear of people I grew up with? They came back with 100 times more intensity…with just a single decision. Yeah. Again. Think social anxiety’s painfully awful? Addiction makes it a nightmare you can’t wake up from. And no one else can get you out. Life was so awful I slowly decided it was time to grow up. But only one day at a time. I had rolled around in my addiction for nearly two decades. So, despite the fact it was dreadfully painful, it was familiar. Acting on it didn’t seem so bad. However, with a clearer mind today, it certainly looks like a foolish decision.

What Changed Everything

This time around, I decided to prioritize growth at all costs. Even ahead of work and my wife. That included overcoming both the social anxiety and addiction. You can’t do just one or the other and expect to stay sober. Intense anxiety triggers your addiction. That doesn’t guarantee a relapse. But it does make one more likely. So, inch-by-inch, I decided to take new actions that would change my thinking. Something’s painful to talk about? Too bad. I did it anyway. Otherwise, I’d feel my addiction prepping to take control again. The person on the other end of the phone was giving me crap? I had to stand up for myself – even though I didn’t feel worth it. My mind would still feel anxious about other people or future events. Instead of letting it swirl in my head and gain power, I had to talk about it with my wife or someone in the program. Someone disagrees? Again, I stated my side of the issue, but without being angry. A person at work wasn’t following through on their side of the relationship? I had to approach them and clarify the issue. Did I say something rude or nasty? I had to walk up to that person and say I was sorry and where I was wrong. Was I getting amped up and ready to work a long day? I had to cut myself off and just sit down and relax (super difficult for me). Was I afraid to take the shot? This time I had to do it, and live with the outcome, good or bad. In addition, I also had to: • Prioritize serving others ahead of doing anything for myself • Constantly look at my role in interpersonal conflict and see what I could do differently to make that relationship as healthy as possible • Quickly forgive others for the wrongs they caused me • Make amends for harms done years ago during my active addiction • Learn to “let go” in life instead of taking control, which I often try to do through workaholism • Cease all other unhealthy behaviors, like working too long and playing video games Painful? Shocking? You bet. This stuff was completely new to me. I had to repeat it daily for a couple years. But it worked.

My Mind Today Is a Peaceful Haven I Love To Go To

Today, my mind is an awesome place to be. However, I still have to be careful because sometimes my addiction and social anxiety flare up. Sometimes, it’s not clear why. If I’m not sure about a particular thought or action, I simply run it by my wife and some people in the recovery program I trust to give a realistic perspective. I like being in my mind in a healthy way. It no longer tells me how worthless I am. Instead, it focuses on what’s good about life, even though I have difficult financial circumstances. I generally think positively about others. I can’t wait to talk to most people. My sense of humor has returned. And I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to absolutely confound me. My wife regularly says, in a positive way,”Who are you and what have you done with my husband?” I love running my web-based business. It’s fun and challenging. And I make better decisions than ever. I’m highly involved in the community. People respect me. Others value my advice. I still have social anxiety and fear of people. And the addiction pokes and prods too. But neither master my life. Both used to create overwhelming feelings so intense they made Mt. Everest look small and unintimidating. Now, they cause unpleasant feelings from time-to-time. But I just look at those and let them pass by. No big deal, really. I’m not a perfect person or stoic sage. But clear-headed? You bet. Love this? You’ll also enjoy this free, 11-part email series that boosts your confidence, happiness, serenity, connection, and clarity: 11 Breakthrough (And Proven) Strategies to Keep You Forever Free from Social Anxiety

You’ve read How to Beat Your Fear of People and Win a Sparkling Clear Mind, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.

Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement