#as if to make it worse last night i had a very intense dream about guy 2...

[shlonguru]

Can we get one of Alastor fucking you in his radio booth and broadcasting it to fuck with Vox~ pretty please with a cherry on top💕

God thank you so much for your request and this idea, it really inspired me so much and I might do even more with this cause I find it inherently hot hehe. I'm so happy so many people enjoyed the first part of Alastor x Fem!Reader x Vox and I'm a degenerate so I wrote a second. I hope you guys like it too! Enjoy my fellow degenerates! o/

I would also like to thank @wipmoop for their amazing art cover for this smut! They're truly the best you can check them out !

And with this, I present you, drumroll please :

Alastor X Fem!Reader X Vox 2 - Rematch !

Summary : You're tired of waiting for your rematch and decide to take things into your own hands. Are you ready to face the consequences of your actions ?

Warning : 18+, Smut, dirty talking, oral, oral creampie, creampie, threesome, cum swallowing, praise kink, teasing, overstimulation, rough, cunnilingus, hair pulling, bondage, spanking.

Word Count : 4883 words (Yup, it's worse than the first one.)

After the events of the party Alastor brought you back to the hotel, explaining to Charlie that you might’ve hmm…had more than you could handle. She was delighted at the idea of you residing at the hotel and extended an unlimited invitation to you. You had your own room and actually enjoyed the people there more than you thought you would. You thought you’d give redemption a shot. However, you had been dreaming of your rematch with Vox and Alastor and it occupied most of your daily thoughts, as much as you hated to admit it.

It had been 2 weeks since you moved in and you hadn’t really been seeing Alastor since the party, he was a busy man after all, he was usually very polite when he saw you and would give you a hand kiss or wink at you. You hadn’t seen Vox at all since the party, but it wasn’t too surprising. Slowly, you started realizing that you were okay with what happened being a one-off thing.

This day you had just finished exercises with everyone and was chilling having some tea when Charlie exclaimed: “Oh Alastor is hosting his radio show! We should bring him some tea! Where’s Niffty? She’d be super-fast.” She looked around unable to find her.”

“She was chasing a family of roaches last time I saw her.” You explained drinking your tea. “I can bring him if you want.” You offered, not thinking much of it, but knowing the idea of seeing Alastor brought a slight smile to your face.

“Really?” Asked Charlie with sparks in her eyes. “That is such a selfless act I love it!”

“Is it?” You questioned. She nodded furiously before handing you a tray with a cup of tea, some milk, sugar, and some biscuits on it.

You left the group and started making your way to the radio tower. As you approached it you heard the demon speaking into his mic.

“And that my fellows, is why you should never trust a demon whose name starts with a V. I will return in a moment, enjoy this musical break of electro swing.”

You arrived in front of the door and knocked.

“Come in.” You heard.

You entered the room to find Alastor sitting in front of his station, his legs crossed.

“Oh, Hello Dear!” He exclaimed seeing it was you at the door.

“Hi! Charlie asked me to bring you some tea. How’s your show going?” You smiled as you entered the room. Alastor looked at you intensely as you walked past him, his smile as wide as ever, you could feel his gaze on your body, you were wearing a short red dress hugging your shape and flared at the bottom and a pair of black thigh highs. You sat the tray on the coffee table he had next to him and poured him a cup of tea.

“The show is going as well as it needs to be.” He replied coldly, pausing afterwards. “But more importantly, this dress suits you very well, I don’t think I’ve seen you in a dress since that night at the party.” He proclaimed calmly.

Your face flushed lightly and he noticed. He hadn’t talked about the party since that night and the simple mention of it sent back embarrassing flashbacks to your mind. Not that you regretted it.

“Oh really? I hadn’t noticed. This is more casual though.” You replied, not looking him in the eyes.

“Is it now Dear?” Asked the demon searching for your gaze then looking you from the bottom up.

“I'm glad you like it." You teased then presented the cup in front of him and thought you noticed a quick glance at your cleavage.

This was enough for you to decide that you had done progress at the hotel and that meant you deserved a little reward, and if you were honest with yourself, you had missed Alastor and Vox’s touch since that night, after all, they had given you a night you could never forget as promised. You had been a good girl but now it was time to drop the act.

You lingered giving him a good look. You then asked innocently: “Is there anything I can do to help?”

He took a good look at you, almost as if he was trying to gauge your intentions. “Actually, I do, would you grab me the mic from the shelf over there.”

“Sure!” You replied smiling. You made your way to the shelf and pretended to struggle to grab the mic which fell to the floor and rolled under the shelf. You then got on all fours and bent over trying to grab it, almost exposing your parts. After grabbing it you stood back up and turned around only to be met with Alastor smiling widely, leaning on the counter of his studio.

“Are you doing okay, Dear?” He grinned tauntingly before taking a sip.

“I don’t know, am I? Here’s your mic.” You handed him the mic. He put down his cup of tea and grabbed the mic slowly, not breaking eye contact with you. He then proceeded to pull swiftly on it, bringing you with it as you hadn’t let go yet. Your body ended up pressed against his.

“You know if you had been craving my attention this badly you should have mentioned it sooner.” He exclaimed looking deep into your eyes.

“Did I crave your attention, or did you miss giving it to me?” You asked smugly smirking back.

“Oh, I can give it to you alright.” He smiled wider, his mouth an inch from yours.

“Do it then.” You smiled back, holding the fold of his jacket.

You felt his lips crash onto yours, the both of you dropping the mic simultaneously. He grabbed your hips tightly pulling you into the kiss, kissing you even deeper as he moved one hand behind your neck. He then lowered his hands to your ass before grabbing both of your cheeks tightly, pulling you off the ground, you legs locking around him instinctively. He turned around, still kissing you while holding your weightless body and sat you on the edge of the counter of his studio. He grabbed both of your wrists and laid you on your back, pinning your hands above your head. He then proceeded to kiss down your neck and onto your cleavage.

“Coming here dressed this way was your mistake.” He smirked.

“Debatable.” You smirked back.

He kept both of your hands pinned together with one of his and took a good look of your flushed, panting, and eager body. While scanning down your body he noticed something that made his eyes widen slightly before he went back to looking into your eyes with a devious smile. His second hand travelled down your body making you realize how sensitive you felt already.

“You might not have missed my attention but this part of you certainly has.” His hand then rubbed against your womanhood, making you realize just how soaked you were already as you squirmed.

“Listen Dear,” he looked at you, still rubbing your pussy, “I’m going to let go of your hands, but you may not touch anything but yourself with them.” He then let go of your hands and pussy before bending over you, resting both of his hands on each side of your head.

“Understood?” He menacingly whispered with a very serious grin.

You nodded.

“Good girl. And be sure to make all of hell know how good you’re feeling.” He smiled before removing his jacket which he threw on his couch.

“Wha-“ You were about to question but then saw him casually turn on the mic of his station. The sign [On Air] turning bright red confirming what you thought.

Alastor then proceeded to kneel in front of you and pull you closer, to the edge of the counter, he then ripped your panties in one movement and started digging in.

You immediately felt his tongue dig deep inside of you, earning a loud moan out of you as he spread your walls. The moans kept pouring as he enthusiastically ate you out, alternating between the inside and the outside of your pussy that he was eating like the first meal he’d had in days. He kept moving his tongue in motions that sent jolts up and down your body.

Before you realized, your hands had made their way into Alastor’s hair, pulling slightly as the pleasure intensified. You only noticed when the pleasure stopped. You looked down, confused, and immediately realized your mistake, letting go of his hair, as the tall demon stood back on his feet, looking at you calmly, which somehow made it scarier.

“Didn’t we agree on you touching nothing but yourself? See not only have you not touched yourself, but you’ve also touched me, and I am not part of you, yet.” He said menacingly.

“Sorry…” You muttered.

“Too late Darling, I’m afraid bad girls need to be disciplined.”

You stared at him as you witnessed him calmly removing his bowtie then grabbing both of your wrists once again, this time tying them together, in a very tight fashion.

“Good.” He exclaimed proud of his work.

And with that he resumed eating you out, this time more aggressively. You felt your walls tighten as he attacked them relentlessly, grabbing your thighs with both of his hands. Your moans were getting louder and louder as his name poured continuously out of your mouth until you felt the knot that had been building up break and the orgasm wash over your body, making your legs shake in the process.

“Holy shit…” You blurted, panting hard as you watched Alastor stand up and give you a quick kiss.

“See, you know how to be a good girl.” He whispered in your ear before licking your ear lobe. You felt his throbbing crotch press against yours.

Before any of you could add anything, you saw a glowing blue circle draw itself around the both of you.

“What is th-“ You couldn’t finish your sentence as you felt yourself fall down through what had now obviously been a portal. The radio demon fell with you, though in a much classier and composed manner, almost as if he knew it was coming.

You felt yourself land on something soft and looked around. It was a very large bed. Alastor had landed comfortably on his feet next to the bed.

“Took him long enough…” He huffed.

You scanned the room; it was very large and luxurious, like a palace. It was a giant bedroom with huge French windows, and tall wooden doors at its entrance. As soon as you laid your eyes on said doors they opened violently.

“The fuck is wrong with you !?” Yelled the handsome tall demon entering the room. It was a very furious Vox. Seeing him furious made you immediately crave him.

“Well, hello to you too.” Smiled Alastor, still in the same relaxed position.

“Why would you broadcast her for all of hell to listen to? Have you lost your mind?” He screamed unable to compose himself.

“I only did so long enough for you to notice.” He mentioned “And if you were so bothered by it, then maybe you should have noticed sooner.” He smiled wider.

“What a dumbass.” Vox walked past Alastor and arrived in front of you. He smiled for the first time.

“Long time no see y/n !” He leaned in front of you making you blush as you took a good look at his handsome figure.

“Hi Vox! I’ve missed you!” You smiled with your face still flushed from your orgasm. He held your chin up gently.

“Fuck I really missed that hot face of yours, I’m sorry you were stuck with such an ungrateful prick for so long, I knew you should’ve moved into my place instead. You’ve clearly gone way too long without getting some well-deserved action, which would have never happened here by the way.” He said that last part louder on purpose. He looked down for a second. “Dear, you are making my sheets wet already, did you really miss me that much?” He smiled looking at your exposed parts, dripping onto the bed.

“We could have settled on a date to have our rematch instead of you exposing her to every lowlife that would listen.” He turned to Alastor.

“Our dear friend couldn’t wait any longer and well I guess I had to take matters into my own hands.” He said innocently.

“You’re such a piece of shit.” Proclaimed Vox with a wide grin on his face, briefly glitching. “I see you’re unable to try and beat me without a head start you radio bastard.”

“It’s not like I was doing anything you could do anyways, Mr. Flat-screen-no-tongue.” The redhead smirked.

“Oh really?” He glitched lightly. “Sit back, relax and shut the fuck up.”

He turned to you, and away from Alastor.

“Y/n! Time to get that rematch baby! Get your ass on the edge of that bed and spread those legs for me!”

Your body moved on its own at this command, and you managed to sit up at the edge of the bed despite your wrists still tied together and sat with your thighs spread open, revealing your most intimate part which couldn’t lie about how much you wanted this. Vox looked at you intensely, taking in the sight he had missed more than he thought he had and bent over resting one hand on his knee, the other holding the bowtie tying your wrists together with a finger.

“Has someone been a bad girl~?” He teased.

“That’s entirely possible.” You smirked back. You could tell from his face he liked that. He let go of your wrists and grabbed both of your thighs tightly, making you lose your balance and fall back onto the bed. The next instant, you sensed something that felt like a tongue slide inside your pussy. It sent immediate literal jolts up your body, earning a loud moan out of you that surprised even you. You came a little from that but didnt say anything, you moved your head, looking at what was going on down there and saw a big blue tongue, sliding out of Vox’s screen and eating out your deepest parts.

“Oh wow!” You exclaimed not knowing what to make of the mix of intense pleasure, surprise and shock you were feeling. A quick glance behind Vox and you saw Alastor roll his eyes unbothered having a cup of tea on the sofa not too far. You didn’t have time to really process anything as the TV demon kept eating you out aggressively, making your orgasm come sooner than you would have expected. You had absolutely no control over how fast it was building up, you just felt it snap and felt yourself come, arching your back embracing the wave of pleasure, grabbing your dress tightly as you did so.

You felt the tongue pull out of you and giving your whole pussy a good lick before Vox stood back up, wiping his face with a satisfied look on his it.

“Fuck you’re so hot when you come.” He blurted trying to keep his composure, but you could already see his member throbbing through his pants.

“Are you done with your ridiculous endeavor? An attempt to prove what exactly?” Exclaimed Alastor in a tone he tried to portray as nonchalant, but everyone else could tell he was ticked off. “Can’t you see she comes so easily you could barely even consider it a challenge.”

That statement pissed you off because as much as you were enjoying yourself you didn’t like being underestimated.

“I had no idea my enjoying myself would make you this insecure?” You responded smirking in your brattiest tone.

“Oh, I like you more and more.” Said Vox raising his brows and smiling at you.

You could swear you noticed an eye twitch on Alastor.

“You brat…clearly if you’re still feeling this confident then we haven’t gone hard enough on you.” He declared with a wicked smile scaring you as much as it turned you on. Alastor teleported onto the bed next to you, grabbed your hair firmly into a ponytail and pulled you further into the large bed, leaving you no choice but to follow him on your knees before pulling your face close to his. Your tied hands were hanging down in front of you as you looked up at the radio demon. “I guess we’ll have to fix that.” He kissed you deeply shoving his tongue in your mouth making your head spin. He pulled away from the kiss for a second.

“Sorry Dear, I am but a terrible spectator.” He went back into the kiss making you dizzy as he pulled down the top of your dress making your breasts bounce out of it. He grabbed one of your tit with his free hand, pinching your nipple and making you whine softly.

"Now you’re going to use all that confidence you were so proud of just seconds ago and you’re going to take it all in.” He let go of you and you fell on all fours, now facing his crotch. You took a good look and immediately noticed how tight his pants looked around his cock, it almost looked painful. With your tied wrists you unzipped his pants, pulling out your reward.

‘Was it this big last time?’ you thought to yourself. A slight look of surprise covering your face for a brief instant.

“Yes, it was.” Replied the radio demon, as if he had read your mind. “You were just too eager to notice.” He finished. You blushed heavily before giving your best shot at taking as much of his member as you could in your mouth, it amounted to about 2/3 of his manhood.

“Not quite, Dear, here, let me give you a hand.” He chuckled before shoving your face down his member, lodging it all the way down your throat. You couldn’t breathe but it still felt good, you pussy was quivering and dripping, and Vox noticed.

“Damn, look at your cunt, don’t worry I gotchu.” You heard Vox who was right behind you and the moment after felt him give your ass a hard spank. That made you moan loudly, and you knew Alastor felt it when you heard a groan coming from him, you looked up only to be met with an intense and serious gaze filled with lust coming from the radio demon. His hands were both in your hair, guiding your mouth up and down, enjoying himself.

Vox stood right behind you, and you heard his pants unzip. Immediately after, you felt one of his hands rest on your hips and the tip of his cock rub against your entrance teasingly.

“Have you missed that?” He asked, lust exuding off his tone. After a few seconds of his teasing, you wanted to beg for him to insert it but you mouth was too full for that.

“Come on…” He teased, knowing he put you in an impossible position.

In one motion you pulled your mouth off Alastor’s cock and pleaded loudly. “Vox please I need your cock in me!” You looked at him with a lewd look on your face .

Seeing you in that state made him blush briefly before he composed himself again.

“Fucking finally! You’re so fucking hot!” He groaned loudly pushing all of him inside of you in one go making you scream of pleasure in the process. You immediately felt Alastor grab your hair in the same fashion he had moments ago, pulling your face close and squinting.

“Let’s not get distracted now, shall we?” He demanded sternly.

Vox felt you tighten around him as you heard those words, pulling an involuntary moan out of him.

“You naughty girl, you’re loving this aren’t you?” He spanked roughly you before starting to thrust at a rather fast pace.

“Obviously.” Declared Alastor smiling before shoving your face back onto his cock. He was the one thrusting now, in fact, they both were and soon enough, you felt that coil build up once again in your insides. Your eyes rolled back as you felt the knot snap.

Vox felt you tighten almost uncomfortably around his member as you came. He grabbed both of our ass cheeks tightly.

“That’s right, come for me!” He groaned throwing his head back and fucking you through your climax, holding your ass tightly then spanking it.

You had just finished coming when you felt Alastor pull out of your mouth. You exhaled loudly catching your breath.

“Good job not suffocating, here’s your reward.” Said Alastor grabbing your panting figure, pulling you off Vox and propping you onto his cock as he stood on his knees, you were still panting but it was now intertwined with moans as he effortlessly moved you up and down his member. You moved your tied up wrists over his head, wrapping your arms around his neck and grabbing it gently, you kissed him softly yet longingly as the moans continuously flooded out of your mouth. You felt his member grow thicker inside of you, as expressed by your moans becoming louder. Your kiss was interrupted by the TV overlord who grabbed your chin, turning your face away from the radio demon.

“Now you can’t just give all your holes away so easily my dear.” He said calmly standing bent over next to you.

“My apologies.” You replied looking up into his eyes.

“You’re forgiven.” He added with a smooth voice before you felt his lips meet yours. You were surprised at how soft they felt, and you had just found out he could do such a thing. He probably didn’t do it every day, but he was such a good kisser, you were dazzled by the kiss before he pulled out of it.

“Now open up dove, we’re not done just yet.” He grinned.

He hadn’t finished his sentence that you had opened your mouth, eagerly awaiting him.

“My god you’re such a good little slut.” He laughed not able to contain himself any longer, he pushed himself deep into your mouth and moaned loudly as he did so, you started moving your head swallowing his member to the base each time.

You hadn’t noticed because of how gradual it had been, but Alastor was now moving much faster than how he had started, hitting your deepest parts each time.

“Are you going to come again and prove me right?” Alastor smirked at you, pausing his thrusting for a moment and spanking your ass roughly. You moaned loudly around Vox’s cock and stopped moving as he immediately grabbed your head and kept the thrusting going.

“Nuh uh, you can’t stop yet.” The TV demon said as he kept pumping in and out of your mouth.

You looked at Alastor from the corner of your eye.

“What is it sweetheart? The TV got your tongue?” He spanked you again this time harder. Your pussy tightened around him, and he felt it, making his grin widen even more.

You looked at him trying your hardest to stay in control.

“Aww you still think you can decide whether you come or not. How adorable…I guess it’s time I teach you this lesson.” He squinted his eyes challengingly before he spanked you one last time, harder than all the other time, this time immediately grabbing both of your ass cheeks very firmly, not breaking eye contact with you.

“I…” He slammed you against his cock. “…decide…” He slammed harder. “…if…” He slammed even harder, digging his nails into your ass. “…and when…” He slammed hard and you felt yourself dangerously close to the edge. “…you come!” He grinned, slamming one last time harder than you had ever felt him thrust in you and he saw your eyes roll back as your pussy started pulsating around his cock. You moaned loudly around Vox’s cock, who pulled out just in time to hear it aloud. You were panting hard, your whole body going limp.

Vox grabbed your face and pressed your cheeks together bringing his face close to yours. “You’ll relax soon enough bitch, but we’re not done yet.” He then proceeded to grab you off Alastor and prop you once again on all fours. You were wobbly at best. “Come on are you already exhausted? After all this big talk?” He spanked you now red ass making you whine. You moaned softly and looked at him with pleading eyes. Your legs felt weak from all this thrusting and climaxing, and he could tell. He let out a soft sigh.

“Here. Let me give you a hand.” He grabbed one of your legs and propped it on his shoulder. “Now you’re going to take it like a good girl?” He looked at you his eyes focusing intensely on you.

“Yes, Sir.” You pleaded. As soon as he heard those words coming out of your mouth he felt an irrepressible urge to take you and you felt all of him enter you once more, at this point your pussy being overstimulated felt so sensitive everything felt ten times more intense. You moaned loudly while your tongue hung out of your mouth, and you gripped the sheets tightly as Vox started thrusting more roughly than he previously had.

Alastor, seeing your tongue hanging and your mouth open, took this opportunity to push himself inside your mouth and started thrusting.

“Enjoy your own taste dear, because you’re about to taste me.” He declared with a sadistic gaze on his now flushed face. You loved seeing the evolution of his boldness as lust took over.

“Shit you’re so fucking tight!” Vox thrusted hard, gritting his teeth, and digging his nails into your thigh, pulling it close against his chest as he lost himself in pleasure, his movement becoming more erratic as he glitched and he brought himself closer to the final release, nevertheless, he never failed to hit your G-spot with each thrust. You felt it coming, despite your best efforts, they both felt you tense up more and more. You still did a great job wrapping your tongue around the radio demon’s shaft, you heard his breath get shakier as he maintained composure fucking your mouth, one hand under your chin and the other in your hair.

You felt the knot about to snap as you hear them both declare as one:

“Are you ready?”

They both thrusted deep in you one last time, releasing simultaneously, filling you up from both sides as you came one last time, almost seeing stars at this point.

Alastor let out the closest thing to a moan as he emptied himself directly down your throat tightening around his member, slowly pulling himself out afterwards and enjoying the sight of your dazed expression.

“Good job.” He patted your cheek smiling and slightly panting, much more relaxed than a few moments ago.

Vox pulled out next and you immediately collapsed onto the bed, cum flowing out of you.

“Holy shit you felt so fucking good!” Vox also felt all sorts of dizzy after his orgasm. He quickly got a grip and they both grabbed what was necessary to clean you up, laying you down comfortably after Alastor removed his bowtie from your sore wrists and Vox handed you one of his shirts to wear.

You were fast asleep and woke up probably a few hours later to both of them having tea in the corner of the room.

“Oh, shut the fuck up, you can’t talk your way into being better in bed, she literally blacked out after I made her come, that’s how good it was.” Expressed Vox with frustration.

“Maybe that or you were just so boring she fell asleep.” Replied Alastor calmly sipping his tea.

“Fuck off, weren’t you facefucking her as well? Wouldn’t that make you boring by extension?” He proclaimed, anger taking over his tone.

Alastor ignored him. You moved in the bed making it creak and earning their attention.

“Oh, looks like our friend has finally awaken from her great slumber.” Announced the radio demon.

They both arrived by your side as you fully came to.

“Hello beautiful.” Exclaimed Vox, with his usual smile and composure. “How are we doing?”

“Well!” You replied attempting to stretch then realizing how sore your whole body felt. “Never mind.” You added.

They both smiled with a satisfied look on their face, almost as if admiring their work.

“Yeah, you need to rest. Next time try not to bite off more than you can chew sweetheart.” Declared Vox with Alastor nodding approvingly next to him.

“Any idea who performed best this time Dear?” Asked the radio demon.

“I mean, it’s hard to give you an answer when you both do whatever you want at all times.” You said with a hint of frustration. “Maybe if you both stuck to one hole, I would be able to tell.” You added, genuinely trying to recall all the events in the right order.

“Hmm, No.”

“Nope.” They both proclaimed simultaneously.

“We will, however, keep fucking you until you give us an answer.” Gloated Vox with a hint of excitement in his voice.

“I’m afraid it’s the only way.” Added Alastor calmly.

“Fair.” You conceded.

‘Holy shit what did I get myself into…’ You thought to yourself.

“Now, rest my dear, you’re going to need it.” Said Vox still smiling at you before vanishing into electricity out of the room.

“I’ll see you soon Darling.” Declared Alastor before smiling and disappearing into a shadow.

To be continued...

Vox is genuinely so effortless to write. I love how versatile he can be, Alastor on the other hand is rough -.- but once I'm done I can fully appreciate it.

PS : I know Alastor is Aroace and I hope no one takes offense to my work. I genuinely take pleasure in writing smuts and I've been loving his personality that's all.

Peace out ! o/

[asmutwriter]

The Gangsta's Wife (Part 7)

DESCRIPTION: You decide to give Tommy some big news at the reopening of the Garrison

WORD COUNT: 2721

A/N - I had a dream about Thomas Shelby last night. He was chasing me through a mansion and I had to hide from him. It was very intense. Guess thats what happens when you watch Peaky Blinder highlights before going to sleep

From Beginning / Previous / Next / Master List  

WARNINGS: swearing, talk of violence, mild threat of violence, pet names (love), drinking, smoking, pregnancy, smoking whilst pregnant (social norm for the time period), Inspector Campbell being himself

DISCLAIMERS

This is fiction. Please always talk to your partner before doing anything and make sure they are ok with what you are doing beforehand

This story does not follow the timeline of the show

Not been proof read

It had been a couple of months since your meeting with Harry Thompson. He kept his word. Leaving Birmingham soon after your blackmail. Since then the Shelby family has been more kind towards you. By that you mean you don't feel like they want to kill you every time you enter a room.

You'd attended a few more family meetings as well. But most issues or problems were being resolved within the main family circle. You were appreciative of attending the discussions though. They were certainly more open towards you. Polly even asking how your day has been - on more then one occasion!

But then Thomas got attacked. Horribly. Brutally. You’re surprised he’s still alive to be honest. So sure that he’d die at the hospital where you sat with him until he gained consciousness. When he did, he told you to 'stop fussing and fuck off'. Glad to know that the attack didn’t change him. You left him to heal.

He went to London for a few days. You weren’t sure why. But he left Polly in charge of all Peaky business. You tried questioning her on why Thomas had left but she only responded with 'its none of your business'. Looking back on it you don’t think she knew.

It was a Tuesday morning. Scrubbing the mud from your sister's dress (she had fallen over right into a puddle) in your kitchen. Opening the back door you go and hang the newly washed dress up on the washing line in the garden. Going back inside the house you shut the door. Turning around to go back to the living room, you jump as you see a figure. Gripping at your chest as your husband stands in the door way. A smile of amusement coming over his face as he realises he made you jump.

"Jesus no need to scare me like that"

"I’m sorry love. Wasn’t my intention". A silence filling the room. You go over to a cabinet. Taking out a whiskey bottle. He grabs out two glasses, placing them down by you. You speak as you pour.

"I’m glad to see you looking better"

"I don’t think I could’ve looked much worse" you chuckle slightly. Putting the lid back onto the drink before sliding his glass to him. Him standing next to you but sideways on as he picks up his drink. You take yours. Turning towards him as you hold your drink in one hand. The other folding over your torso.

"Where did you go?"

"Did Polly not tell you?"

"I know you went to London but that’s all she told me” he nods. Taking a sip of his drink. “I just wondered why?"

"I had some business to attend to regarding Ada"

"Is she ok? I know that she got attacked too"

"She will be. She’s a strong willed woman. Plus I’ve given her a new home and protection for her and her son" you nod. Watching as he downs his drink. "I also had to do some business with Alfie Solomons". You furrow your brow at the name. It ringing a vague bell from when you lived in London

"Runs a Jewish gang correct?" he nods. Turning to face the counter as he places his glass back down on the side. Taking the whiskey bottle and pouring himself another drink.

"Have you met him before?"

"No. I only know the name in passing. Got told to stay away from him as he bad news and couldn’t be trusted". Tommy pauses in his actions. Hand around the glass but still on the counter top as he takes in your words. He goes into his pocket. Taking out a few coins and placing them stacked up on the side near you. You look at the small pile.

"I want you to buy a new dress"

"For what occasion?"

"The grand reopening of the Garrison" you stay silent. Thinking over your words before speaking.

"Mr Shelby... is opening the pub a good idea given the recent events? Would it be best to wait until the current threwat is dealt with before rebuilding?". He sips his drink again.

"I want those to know that the Peaky Blinders can rise from any downfall they have" he turns to face you. Drink still in hand as he points in the direction of the pub. "This is the way that we show those fuckers that it'll take a lot more to take down the Shelby family". He downs his drink. Placing the glass onto the table.

"So I’d like you to go out and buy yourself a new dress for this special occasion" he brings a hand up. Resting it onto your cheek as he meets your eyes. Yours soft as you watch his piercing blue orbs. "Lets show those bastards not to fuck with us, eh?". A soft smile comes over your lips as he drops his hand.

It took about a month to rebuild the Garrison. It was hard work but my goodness it payed off. Tommy had shown you it before anyone else. Before the big reopening he took you to see the grand building. Standing tall and proud.

It was the day of the reopening. You’d done as your husband had asked you to do. Gone out and bought a fancy new dress. So here you were. Sitting at the bar. Cigerette in hand as you watch your husband talking with his guests. You snuff out your smoke in the ashtray nearby before going over to him. Gently resting your hand on his arm. He looks at you. His smile softening in feature as he meets your gaze.

"Can I talk with you? Alone?" he nods. The smile seeming to fade marginally at your request. You take his hand. Leading him to a back room. Shutting the door. He watches you. His eyes filled with a confusion as you take his hand. Leading him to a table. You sit down. Him sitting opposite you.

"What is it love?". You look down. Fiddling with your wedding ring. His hand gently takes your chin. Bringing your head up to meet his eyes "what’s on your mind?"

"I’ve been thinking about it and I-" you cut yourself off. You dart your eyes over his features before asking "Can you teach me how to fight?". The request seeming to shock him. Before he can respond you carry on talking. "I saw what they did to you. I know what they did to your sister. And she lives hundreds of miles away. I’m concerned that myself and my sisters are at risk here. I’m sorry I’ve only just brought it up now but given the current situation I-".

"Hey" he moves his hands. Cupping your face as he makes you look at him "So long as you remain a Shelby then you have the protection of myself and the Peaky Blinders. I know I was gone for a while but you will always be safe. I promise you that"

"I would feel safer if I could fight... rather then relying on you to keep me safe..." his eyes dart between yours. Trying to read your expressions. Before he can say anything else you speak again. Quieter this time. Voice barely above a whisper. "I’d like to be able to keep the baby safe...". He stays silent. His eyes flashing with emotions. So quick you can’t read them. Them darting downwards to look at your stomach before coming back up to your features. Mere seconds feel like hours as silence consumes you. You bring your hands up. Holding his wrists as he continues to hold your face. "Please say something".

"It is my duty as your husband to keep you and our child safe. So long as I live I will ensure that. If you wish to learn to fight after our child is born then I will teach you. But you won’t learn whilst you are carrying my babe". He leans forward. Kissing your forehead. You shut your eyes. Nodding as you feel him watch you again. "You are safe Mrs Shelby. I promise". You open your eyes as you feel him stand. Looking up at him as he drops your face. Taking your hands with his. Pulling you up. "Shall we go and tell everyone else the news about the new family member?" he smiles. You nod. Taking his arm as he leads you back out into the crowd.

You wait for the other guests of the party to leave before informing your in-laws. Your sisters are the first to hug you. Wrapping your arms around them both. Tommy's siblings congratulate him first. Ada coming over to you and hugging you too. After your sisters finally let you go. Her giving you affection isn’t shocking. What does surprise you is when Arthur hugs you.

"Well done girl" he says. Genuine joy and happiness in his voice as he hugs you close. You smile at his affection. More due to the symbolism of them accepting you as a family member rather then the hug itself. He moves away. Seeing John Boy practicly hitting Thomas's shoulder as he congratulates him. Your youngest sister takes your arm in hers.

"You know, Mary is a very good name" you roll your eyes

"You can’t suggest your own name” Luz says. Turning her attention from the youngest sibling back up at you “But, on the topic of names, Elizabeth is a very good name" Causing you to laugh.

"You two are as bad as each other" you say. A smile on your face as you contiue to talk with them. You meet Polly's gaze. Cigarette in her hand as what appears to be sadness glazes over her eyes. She nods slightly at you. You give a soft smile and a nod in return before your sisters drag you back to their conversation.

The time flew by. You were around 5 months pregnant. At a small party that was hosted by one of Tommy's aquaintences up in London. You knew your purpose for this party. An accessory to make your husband look good. To make him look approachable. So you stuck by his side the whole party. Your arm linked with his as people came and chatted with you both.

That’s when you noticed a shift in his demeanor. His friendly persona he had on changing. Feeling his arm tense under yours. Although you were getting better at figuring out your husbands thoughts and feelings you still found him incredibly difficult to read. You look at him. Following his gaze. It falling onto a middle aged gentlemen with a cane. You look back at him. You may struggle to figure out what’s going through his head. But you knew that he must know this man.

"Mr Shelby? Is everything ok?"

"We should be going Flo" he turns his back to the man. Forcing you to turn with him as your arm remains on his.

"Who is that man?" you whisper.

"Someone who I reluctantly do business with. Who I'd much rather put a bullet between his eyes then engage in small talk". You look at your husband. Mild shock filling you. He rarely uses violent language around you. He swears a lot but he never talks about violence or commiting violent acts towards people whilst in your prescence. Not even in a joking manner. So for this to be said you know he must be quite a character.

"Lets leave then. If you’ve finished all the other busniness you need for the day" before either of you can make a decision you hear an Irish voice speak.

"Thomas Shelby". Turning to face the man. Him having walked over to you both. You follow suit. Standing slightly behind your husband. Arm interlocked with his as you feel his body tense mildly. "I'll be damned to see you here. You’re a long way from Birmingham aren’t you?"

"I could say the same about you" the man smiles. His eyes falling to you. Raking over your body.

"And who is this pretty thing you’ve got with you?". Thomas clenches his jaw slightly. Watching the man as you cling to him more.

"Inspector Campbell this is Florence Shelby. My wife" he holds a hand out towards you. You take it. Shaking it as a way to deem polite.

"Its a pleasure to meet you ma'am” his eyes fall to your stomach before meeting your eyes again “I can see that a congratulations are in order. What with the marriage and the pregnancy" he motions towards your belly. You half smile.

"Thank you Mr Campblell. We really shou-"

"I never pictured you as the marriage type though Mr Shelby. Not with your reputation"

"Time changes people" he says. Eyes boring into the man. You could feel the testestorone start to build. Turning slightly to your husband. Your hands tightening around his arm.

"I need some air. Come join me" he drops his death glare off of the man. The stare softening as they meet your calming eyes. He nods. Excusing yourselves from the man as you head outside. You sit on a small bench. Hand resting on your stomach as you shut your eyes.

Hearing the soft strike of a match you open your eyes. Tommy lighting a cigarette. Resting it on his lips. You hold your hand out. Him taking a puff from it before placing it in your hand. Watching as you inhale the smoke. Resting your hand on your knee as you exhale. Looking back at the room where the party is.

"Do we have to stay for much longer? Im growing tired"

"We'll stay for a little bit longer. It’s not ideal the detective being here’s but I still have some business left to do” you hold your hand up. Letting him take the smoke from you as he takes a drag from it before speaking again. "If you’re tired then stay out here. You’ve done more then your far share today. You should rest for a little while" you nod. Half smiling at him

"I'll come back inside in a bit. Just want to have some fresh air" he nods. Gently squeezing your shoulder before handing you the cigar. Heading back inside as you take a few more puffs. Placing the butt on the ground. Snuffing it out with your shoe. You watch as you see the crowds of people inside. Spotting your husband talking with someone. The main person you know he wants to make a deal with.

You go to stand up. Wanting to go and help make a good impression. Struggling slightly as you push yourself up. "You ok there Mrs Shelby?" you hear a familiar voice say. Turning you see the inspector. You nod, a soft but half genuine smile on your face

"I’m fine Mr Campbell. If you excuse me I need to go find my husband" turning away you hear him speak.

"You know" he comes over to you. "I can help you". You talk as you turn to face him again.

"Excuse me?". A few more steps. Any closer and he’d be touching you.

"A young, pretty woman such as yourself being dragged into the world of Thomas Shelby. I can’t believe that it was due to your love or affections for him" you go to say something but he cuts you off "I know what your going to say. That you love him and that he cares for you. But I know the truth. That he somehow pulled you into his world of fighting and gangs and you can’t get out” another step closer as his voice darkens “I can give you a way out. Let me help you" he brings a hand up. Going to stroke your cheek. You step back. Shocked by his forward tone. Your hand going to your stomach as a form of protection to your unborn child.

"You know nothing about me or my husband and the life that we have together. We trust each other wholeheartedly and I would never do anything to get rid of that"

"He'll never love you. You do know that, right? You might think he does. Or that he will. That you can change him. But you can’t. You will always be just an object for him to manipulate to his own advantage".

"And what? You think you could give me a different life?" You keep your eyes steady and fixed on his. His eyes remaining on yours as you keep your ground.

"I could give you the affection and love he isn’t capable of showing you. Care for you in a way that a man like him won’t"

You take a step towards him. Anger flashing through your eyes as you spit your words at him. "I am going to go back to my husband. The man who’s child I am carrying. I will be leaving with him back to our home. To our shared bed. Do you understand me Mr Campbell?" He watches you. Nodding. "Good. Goodnight" you turn. Walking back to your husband as he continues to chat with his soon to be new business partner. Linking an arm with him as he introduces you as his wife.

Previous / Next

TAGS

@whorecrux-of-slytherin @kkrenae @ireallydontcareanymorebrooo

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Wildest dreams, pt. 34.

Summary: Still in shock in light of Y/N's decision, Paul decides to share the burden with Embry. However, the morning takes a turn for the worse.

Warnings: angst, fluff, sexual innuendos, swearing, GRAPHIC depictions of death and blood

Wildest Dreams Masterlist

————————————

Paul stands before Embry and Daisy, the weight of Y/N’s decision pressing heavily on his shoulders. The words feel foreign, even as they leave his lips.

“Y/N said she will join the Cullens.”

“She actually wants to be one of them?” Embry’s voice breaks the tense silence, his hand dragging down his face in disbelief. “Wasn’t she the one that said she would never accept that kind of a life?”

Paul nods, remaining quiet as he collapses in the chair. He has barely spoken since Y/N uttered the words the previous night. The memory of her words sends a shiver down his spine, the intensity of the moment still fresh in his mind. Truth be told, he had no time to react because his body reacted for him. Their bedroom window’s shards can attest to that as well as Embry’s shorts that he barely got over his thighs. 

“Did she say why?” Embry’s question hangs in the air, but Paul remains silent, shaking his head. The sigh that escapes his lips is heavy with unspoken turmoil. He hadn’t given Y/N a chance to explain herself, but her resolve had been unmistakable. It’s what he had begged for, what he had prayed for countless nights. Yet now, faced with the reality of it, he is filled with a sense of dread and uncertainty. If it’s what he’s wanted all along, why is he so distraught over it?

Embry rises from his seat, determination etched on his face. “I should talk to her.”

Daisy’s grip on his hand stops him in his tracks. “I don’t think you’re the one who should be talking to her,” she says gently but firmly. “I’m not sure there’s much to talk about. If she’s made her decision, it’s only a matter of how and when.”

 “She told me she’d never forgive me if I even tried to turn her into one of them,” Paul’s voice is strained, the words coming out through gritted teeth. “This is a result of an emotional night. She probably feels pressured because of the wedding and our vows.”

Daisy’s gaze is unwavering, her voice filled with conviction. “It could also be that she’s had more time to think and inform herself of all the pros and cons of being a vampire. It’s Y/N! When have you known her to make a rash decision? She’s chronically overthinking every fucking thing. I highly doubt she’d say something so heavy without being absolutely certain that’s what she wants.”

Embry rubs his chin, biting his lower lip. “Daisy is right. I hate it, but if this is what she wants, then fuck it. We can figure it out.”

Paul’s frustration boils over, his voice rising. “The very possibility of her being one of them is what brought the death visions I still dream of every night. She won’t be just a vampire; she will be the reason the Volturi come back.” 

“They won’t touch her,” Embry growls, his instincts flaring. Y/N’s been a very big part of his heart for as long as he can remember, and every cell of his being demands her safety.

Daisy's running soothing circles on Embry’s back but it does little to ease the tension. 

She inhales sharply. “I don’t know the Volturi, but I know of them. If they come back, I’m not sure what you can do to survive their attack.”

“Last time, had it been a fight, I wouldn’t have survived,” Paul reminds them. “The only reason I got to live long enough to imprint on Y/N and have this amazing life with her is because we managed to stop the war before it began by proving Renesmee isn’t going to end their species. Y/N is a genuine threat.” 

Bowing his head, Paul covers his face with his hands, his voice breaking. “I want her to live and I want her to be safe, but either choice brings us to the same ending and I don’t know what to do with that.”

“We don’t know why she dies if she remains human,” Embry pulls Daisy closer to him. “All we know it’s by the tree we burned and in a violent manner. If we never let her near the forest, if you guys move somewhere barren, why would we expect her to die? She could be human and you two could live out the rest of your lives in a desert riding camels or something!”

“I don’t think that would work,” Daisy says softly, her voice trembling with the effort to hold back tears. She fears that if she speaks any louder, her voice will break. “If she’s destined to die, it would happen no matter how hard we try to stop it.” 

“Destined to die is a little dramatic, don’t you think?” Jasper chimes in, raising an eyebrow and suppressing a smirk. The three look at him and Alice in shock.

“I can’t see her future anymore,” Alice states begrudgingly, her frustration palpable. “The last of what I saw was her making a choice to be one of us. After that, everything goes dark.”

“Fucking great,” Embry exclaims, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

“You saw it?” Paul stands, his knees shaking but determination fuels his movements. 

Alice nods ever so slightly. “She made her decision walking down the aisle.”

“And she wants me to do it,” Jasper announces cheerily as if it was a trivial matter. 

Paul’s hands form fists by his sides, his scowl deepening. “If anyone is going to do it, it will be Carlisle.”

“Jasper is right,” Alice interjects, her voice firm. “Y/N’s choice is not Carlisle.”

“This is ridiculous,” Paul chuckles dryly, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m going to talk to my wife. She’ll clear everything up and I’ll pack us up to live in the Antarctic if I have to, but I won’t let her do something she didn’t want.”

“But she does want it now,” Alice reminds him gently, her eyes filled with empathy. “With no outside pressure, she chose to take a chance on your love. I don’t see much of her future, but if you storm in there right now all you’ll have is regret because she will get hurt and it will be your fault.”

“I would never lose control with her close by,” Paul huffs.

“You will,” Alice flinches at the certainty of her own words. “She’ll survive this time, but it will leave a gnarly scar on her back.”

Embry steps in front of Paul, pointing to the chair with a firm hand.  “Sit your ass down.”

“I think I’ll be sick,” Daisy murmurs, a hand slapping over her mouth as she rushes to the bathroom.

“Ah, fuck,” Embry mutters, running after her. “Don’t let him leave!” he shouts back.

Groaning, Paul reluctantly sits down, his mind racing. “You can’t see her future and I’m supposed to be fine with that? Even if she was going to die, wouldn’t you see it?”

Alice’s voice is tinged with frustration. “My visions don’t always work well. Especially with the pack.”

Jasper wraps an arm around her, trying to comfort her. “She struggles to accept that.”

“Would you enjoy being hindered by a pack of wolves?” Alice retorts, her eyes flashing with irritation.

Smirking, Jasper shrugs. “I’m superior in that way.”

Before anyone can react, Jasper grunts, doubling over from a punch Paul didn't even see coming. “I deserved that,” he admits, wincing.

“Yes, you did,” Alice chuckles.

“Why did she decide on Jasper?” Paul furrows his eyebrows. “Would Jasper even manage to do it without killing her?”

“I’m not sure,” Alice sighs, her voice trembling with uncertainty.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, love.” Jasper tries to interject some lightness, but the tension in the room remains palpable.

Paul runs a hand through his hair, his mind racing. “I need to talk to her. If I leave now, will I still hurt her?” 

“No,” Alice frowns, her eyes distant. “I don’t...” She pauses, her face suddenly going pale as her gaze fixes on something only she can see. “I don’t see...” 

“Alice?” Jasper grabs her tightly, holding her steady. “What do you see?”

“She’s in the forest,” Alice gasps, grasping onto Jasper’s hand for dear life. 

“Y/N?!” Paul’s voice cracks with raw fear. His heart pounds violently, each beat echoing the urgency in his chest. He can tell something’s terribly wrong; Alice wouldn’t seem so agitated otherwise. Every cell in Paul’s body is itching to shift, to run straight to his imprint, but he doesn’t know where to go.

“She’s not alone,” Alice squeals, her panic contagious.

Grabbing her shoulders, Paul ignores the angry look Jasper shoots him. “Where is she exactly?!”

Alice shakes her head in horror, “I don’t know! I don’t see any clear markings!”

Hearing the commotion, Embry runs back to see what’s happening. 

“Paul?”

“I think it’s happening,” Paul’s eyes are filled with tears as he meets Embry’s worried gaze. “I think she’s going to die.”

Embry’s jaw clenches, his eyes narrowing with determination. “I’m calling everyone. We won’t let that happen.”

“I will,” Daisy insists, her voice steady despite the fear in her eyes. “You and Paul get going. I’ll call Sam, and Emily will help call the rest of them.”

“Babe –“ Embry starts, but Daisy cuts him off.

“Embry, I love you,” she states clearly, “but I need you to go save my best friend.”

Biting his lips, Embry nods.

“We’re coming with you,” Jasper declares, leaving no room for argument.

Paul and Embry shift almost instantly, their forms blurring as they leave the house in a rush, filled with shared desperation that’s driving them to find Y/N before it’s too late. 

Paul’s heart feels like it’s being squeezed in barbed wire. The thought of Y/N out there, alone and in danger, fills him with dread so profound it nearly paralyzes him. He can feel the bond they share, but he can't feel her emotions. She could still be safe and that thought alone is giving him strength to keep going, guiding him through the forest. He can’t lose her, not now, not ever. The fear of losing her to the very fate he’s been trying to prevent for so long is a weight that threatens to crush him, but he pushes on, driven by love and complete terror. 

“I’ve already told our family,” Alice tells Daisy. “We’ll all be out there.”

Holding back tears, Daisy sniffles as the vampires leave, the house now eerily empty. “I just hope it’s enough,” she whispers, her voice a fragile thread of hope in the overwhelming tide of fear.

FINALE

[fbfh]

omg u wrote for simp eddie again <333 my life is complete

SO IS EDDIE'S FROM THE MOMENT HE LAID EYES ON YOU. I can't decide which is better, your first time with Eddie after years and years and YEARS of pining and build up or the way he fucks you after you elope (it's somehow better than it was before which you did not realize was an option to want or even possible to achieve). I simply cannot resist the temptation of starting to touch on your first time just a little. I've been putting it off cause I wanna do it right but fuck that I will not stop yapping about Eddie and yall love to hear it so this is not something I plan on only discussing once.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, when this ball of sexual tension and longing finally gets rolling, it fucking ROLLS. Eddie had a hunch that might be the case because he's a manifestation king and is never wrong about anything ever. You however, you had no idea what was coming or how hard and fast and intensely it would hit, not until the Eddie dream. The one where he was holding you and kissing you and being so tender and loving and gentle with you, so emotionally intimate with you that you woke up to heart palpitations and sticky soaked through panties. That alone was enough to send you spiraling, but the very last part of the dream was the worst. You had grabbed Eddie's hand, and you put it between your legs, and you woke up right before you could feel it. And NOTHING got rid of the ache all day. You tried everything you could think of, but you couldn't get your mind off of him, you couldn't make any space in your brain for anything other than Eddie Eddie Eddie. It started off small, touching yourself in the school bathroom and desperately trying to convince yourself that you probably just need to fuck him. You're sure that's it, just a one night stand, and the throbbing pulsating ache between your legs will be gone and you can move on with your life. You lied to yourself for most of the day, and were almost able to believe it. Until lunch. Eddie was feeling particularly feisty that day, and no longer able to restrain himself from the glaring injustice of how the athletes are treated like gods while everyone else gets cast off to the side by the teachers and faculty and society at large, he jumped up onto his usual table for another long speech. Or as long as he can make it before catching another detention. He's facing away from you at first, and good god you cannot keep your eyes off him. He's backlit, and the hazy late autumn light makes his legs look so... good. Have they always looked that good? Has he always had the kind of thighs you'd want squeezing tighter and tighter around your head while you suck him off? And his hands... GOD his hands. They're even better than you remember, so big and veiny and just... masculine. Your thighs squeeze together seemingly on their own as you watch the way his chunky rings glint when his hands move. You can almost feel the way they'd bite into the skin on your thighs, send cool shivers down your spine as the slowly warm up to your skin, shoot little jolts of pleasure when they graze your most intimate spots. You notice his belt buckle last, which is so much worse for your pounding heart and throbbing cunt. Handcuffs. Of course he would have handcuffs... you freeze in place, eyes going wide and throat going dry as a thought crosses your mind.

Could... could there be another meaning behind his nickname? Your mind wanders to dangerous places as you start to fantasize about why they really call him the freak.

[adorethedistance]

RollerMagic - Quinn Hughes x Reader

Hockey Masterlist

Warnings: mention of vomit, swearing, suggestive comment

Words: 1904

Requested: could you write about quinn pleeeease. had a dream last night: Quinn was in New Jersey for a Canucks and Devils game and went out with his brothers to a roller rink (?), met a girl by the candy machine (her candy had gotten stuck and he politely punched the machine to catch it) they spent the night talking (the two youngest Hughes looking for him like fools) and he invited her to watch the game and, soon after, a date; she said she would go to the game but would only accept the date if he scored a goal for her (he scored a hat trick)

A/n: Listen I don't know Quinn very well so I was not going for realism on this one. This is literally just my best guess at flirting with him but I truly don't know him enough to know if this is true to his character so I'm sorry for that! I've also just never done a Quinn fic before so first time for everything I guess?

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” I say to myself as the small pack of Skittles I’d just bought becomes wedged between the coils of the vending machine. I gently bang on the glass but the Skittles packet doesn’t budge. Utterly defeated, I huff out a soft sigh before dropping my head and staring at the fluorescent patterning of the Arcade carpet. Today is not my day.

I was late to work because of my car stalling, some kid puked in the middle of the roller rink and I had to clean it up, I left my lunchbox on the kitchen counter by accident, and now the only food that I had enough cash on me to buy was stuck in the vending machine. Could this day get any worse?

I lift my head, preparing to cut my losses, when I lock eyes with a guy who is probably around my age but definitely attractive. His wavy brown hair and soft eyes shimmer in the dim arcade lighting. He smiles at me politely and I smile back, too absorbed by my own infatuation to think twice about it. He glances to either side before making his way over. I panic internally at the idea of such a cute stranger heading my way, but I can’t bring myself to walk away.

“You doing alright?” The hazel-eyed boy asks upon seeing me in distress. 

“I’m great!” I fake being chipper as we both know the real answer. He laughs softly at the joke and I relax a tiny bit at the idea of making a good impression. “How much of that did you see?” I ask, praying his answer will keep my dignity intact. He hesitates for a moment before answering,

“Honestly? Everything.”

“Good. Good! This is good. First, I have a terrible day, and now a really cute boy has officially witnessed my latest and greatest downfall? This is just great.” I ramble out of intense nervousness.

“You think I’m cute?” He teases inquisitively. I search and scan my brain for a witty response to no avail.

“It was hypothetical?” I say though it comes out as more of a question than a statement.

“What’s hypothetical?”

“I don’t know, I was hoping if I said it with enough conviction that you wouldn’t question it.” The cute stranger apparently thinks this is very funny and heartily laughs at my confession.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I got your name?”

“Y/n.” 

“Y/n,” he softly repeats my name, smiling at the way it sounds in his own voice. “I’m Quinn by the way.” Quinn extends his right hand politely, and the feeling of his strong hand in mine gives me butterflies. The shape of his palms and the length of his fingers. I wonder what it would feel like to have one around the base of my neck and the other in between-

“Nice to meet you, Y/n.” I blink rapidly to shake away the brief fantasy. God, it’s been a while.

“Uh, you too…?

“Quinn.”

“Quinn!” Quinn. “Quinn what?”

“Quinn Hughes.”

“Pretty good name.”

“Thanks, I guess?”

“Has a pretty good ring…” I pause, unsure of why I needed to tell him that.

“Have you worked here a while?” He asks, and my brows furrow in confusion.

“How do you know I work here?” Quinn laughs heartily before realizing I’m not making a joke. 

“You… you’re wearing a name tag and a t-shirt that says RollerMagic.” I close my eyes and wince at my own unfathomable obliviousness. I’m surprised he’s still talking to me with the way this conversation is going.

“Right. It’s been a long day.”

“Tell me about it.”

“What happened with you?” I ask, genuinely curious about the day of the slightly less unfamiliar boy. Not that I could even help the sudden interest. Especially when he looks at me this kindly and smells like icy sandalwood. 

“Also a bad day at work.”

“Where do you work?”

“Vancouver.” My jaw drops and Quinn bursts out laughing at the more than apparent shock on my face. I don’t laugh though, I just look at him bewildered, waiting for an explanation.

“Care to elaborate?”

“I play hockey.” “Like, for a living?”

“You could say that. Although it took a bit before making a living since I was drafted in 2018.”

“Oh shit, you’ve been pro since 2018?” He nods, surprisingly patient with my disbelief. “So you’re like, rich rich?” Quinn laughs at the question and concedes a little bit.

“I don’t know about that-”

“I know what sports contracts pay, my mom is a lawyer. Also, look at your watch. You can’t pretend and play coy when you’re wearing something that expensive.” 

“Touché. What about you? You never answered my question.”

“I’ve been working here since Freshman year so coming up on four years now.”

“You’re a student?”

“Yeah.”

“Where at?”

“Princeton.”

“Holy shit. So you’re like smart smart?” Quinn makes fun of me and I roll my eyes at him.

“Okay, I see how that sounds now. Wait if you’re from Vancouver what are you doing here?”

“We’re playing the New Jersey Devils? Ever heard of them?”

“No, I got that, you little priss. I mean why are you here as in why are you at a roller rink?”

“I don’t know. My idiot brothers were hellbent on going to an arcade.”

“Do they play for Vancouver also?” I ask playfully.

“They play for Jersey actually.”

“I was kidding…” After I trail off, Quinn and I begin laughing, the absurdity of the conversation continuously growing in magnitude. “But like, both of them?”

“Yep.”

“How did that happen?”

“You ask a lot of questions.” He states in a non-judgemental, yet amused tone.

“Only when someone is interesting enough to be worth interrogating.” Quinn smiles flirtatiously and I drop my eyes to the floor, shocked by my own boldness.

“You’re really cute,” He says simply, as if the very statement didn’t ignite every nerve in my body.

“So did Vancouver lose and that’s why you had a bad day at work?”

“No, just a rough practice. The game is tonight actually.”

“Good luck,” I say without any snark or playfulness. Just a legitimate regard for his success. Quinn is taken aback by the genuine care and he smiles brightly as a result.

“Thanks.”

“I’ve never been to a hockey game before.”

“Never?!”

“Never.”

“Well, then you’ve gotta come to the game tonight.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Are you working late?”

“No, I’m off at six.”

“That’s perfect.”

“I don’t- I’m not-” I sigh, unsure of how much or little I should share with Quinn in this moment. “I can’t really afford a hockey game right now.” I put as simply as possible. Quinn pauses for a moment and then laughs softly.

“Don’t even worry about it.”

“...What?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I stare at him dumbfounded as if I’m stunned he could be so nonchalant like this. 

“There’s gonna be three of us from the same family out on the ice tonight and our parents don’t even live here. I’m pretty sure we can swing getting you a seat or two.”

“I can’t accept that. We just met and I’m not really cool with taking things from strangers.”

“Even if it’s a really cute boy with a sports contract?” He says jokingly and I drop my guard a tiny bit. I huff out a sigh, still feeling conflicted and slightly uneasy. Quinn picks up on the uneasiness and looks me in the eyes before softly saying, “Look, you don’t have to take me up on the offer, but it would be really cool to see you there tonight. Either way, it’s totally fine with me.” The lengths to which he is going just to ease my anxieties and ensure my comfort fills my chest with warm, radiant light and I smile gently at the level of consideration.

“...Okay.”

“Okay. Could I get your number to send you all the information you’ll need?”

“Is that the only reason you want my number?” Quinn looks off and shrugs a little as he admits,

“Well, I’d also like to get to know the pretty girl from the roller rink. And I was hoping I could possibly take her out on a date while I’m still in town?” My stomach erupts into a million butterflies and I hold out my hand to take his phone. He gives me the unlocked device after setting up a new contact. I brazenly decide I should keep Quinn on his toes, out of concern that he thinks I’ll make things easy for him.

“If you win tonight you can take me out.”

“Bro, what?”

“I’m serious!”

“Why? This is so childish!”

“No, this is serious, Quinn. I can’t date a loser!”

“Oh my god- okay, fine. If we win-”

“Win what?” A strange voice says from behind me. I turn around to see two other boys have appeared behind me and Quinn from seemingly thin air. Out of fear of more of them appearing, I lean back against the vending machine I was once sworn enemies with. Seeking shelter in the cool glass that’s been illuminated by LEDs.

“Nothing.”

“Is this guy bothering you, sweetheart?” The tallest one says and the one he’s standing with laughs. 

“Seriously, Q. We leave you alone for ten minutes.”

“I’ll meet you guys in the car,” Quinn speaks up, clearly flustered by their presence in this moment.

“Okayyy, don’t be long, lover boy.” 

“You’re on the clock.”

“And that was…”

“The idiot brothers I was talking about.”

“Right. Got it.” I’m amused if anything, but I can tell Quinn is struggling to shake off the encounter. Rolling my eyes, I extend my hand to him which he takes confusedly. Pulling him closer to where I’m leaning against the vending machine, he gets the idea and steps forward to close the gap between us. I didn’t anticipate being flustered by the close proximity, but as he steps closer he places his hand against the glass of the vending machine, above my head. His crisp scent is stronger and I’m grateful he took the invitation to close in.

“Anyway. If we win-”

“Mhm.”

“I get to take you out?”

“And if you lose?” I ask, challenging him. He takes a moment to think it over.

“I don’t know. What happens if we lose?” I mimic his expression from when he was deep in thought, before saying with a completely straight face,

“I kill you.” We both burst out laughing. I hate to think that I already like Quinn as much as I do.

“I guess I’ll make sure to win.” 

“You better.” Quinn backs up and the excitement I was having trouble controlling vanishes when I can no longer feel him near me. My subconscious urges me to be nearer to him and I push off of the vending machine as well. Quinn looks past me and I follow his gaze. He’s examining the Skittles packet that I abandoned, and in one swift movement, he hits the side of the machine and the packet neatly falls to the bottom. My lips part in shock and I’m amazed at how seemingly easy that was for him. He grabs the bag and holds it out to me like it’s no big deal, but I can tell he’s very proud of himself.

“See you later tonight then?”

“See ya later.”

***

A/n: hope y'all liked it and I've got a Jamie fic in the works so stay tuned!! Special thanks to the person who requested this !

[myths-tournaments]

Awful Characters Round 1 Part 1 (6/8)

Propaganda under the cut!

DIO BRANDO

why i like him: he’s evil, he’s funny, he’s a vampire, he’s a dick for no reason, he’s British, he’s bisexual, he stops time, and everything bad that happens in the series is his fault why he deserves to be in: LITERALLY kicks puppies, that’s his THING. Ruins adoptive brother’s life just because he’s Mean and Evil. Kills people. Kills animals. Does weird horrible things to people for literally no reason. Turns people into zombies. Kisses women without their consent. Brainwashes people. Seduces lovers and sucks their blood while a weird old lady watches in the corner. Ruins generations of lives even after his ass is dead. can you be cancelled by twitter users: yes absolutely

BELIAL

Belial is the primal beast/angel of cunning, and one of the main antagonist of the side story "What makes the sky blue". He's the very first primal in existence and had a profound romantic and sexual devotion for his creator, Lucilius. So profound that he commited all sort of crimes to get Lucilius's love and approval, and only got worse in worse when Lucilius only showed distate for him. Mind you those were crimes Lucilius wanted him to do, but Belial was just never enough compared to the second primal beast, Lucifer, the angel overseeing Evolution. List of crimes includes: -Provoked like 3 attempted apocalypses -Organized a group of rebel fallen angels in order to make them Lucilius's experiments subjects later, torturing all of them for thousand of years. -When Lucilius was beheaded by Lucifer, Belial vowed to bring Lucilius back to life…. By organizing Lucifer's murder and beheading him in order to use Lucifer's corpse to sew Lucilius's head on it -Also managed to blame Lucifer's boyfriend for Lucifer's death because "well it's your fault he died since he was trying to protect you so he wasn't fighting at his full strength :/" -He is also extremely sexual and is constantly talking about wanting to orgasm on the spot, or engage in sexual intercourses with anyone he encounters -Also the type of person who kills his one night stands after he's done with them. -Calls torturing people for fun just himself indulging in his SM side. -He's spoken a lot about his goal to Fuck Lucifer's Corpse, in front of Lucifer's boyfriend. -Also is constantly doing sexual remarks to said boyfriend. -He's torn the wings of the one person who was still loyal to him (technically to save his life but he lied that he was doing it just to torture him) -Also he lies all the time and backstabbed everyone we ever see him make plans with -Guilttripped the protagonist by faking his suicide -Helped the protagonist at the last hour during their fight against Lucilius in order to be locked into an interdimensional prison for all of eternity with the man who hates his guts, out of love for him, while the guy couldn't think of a worst way to spend eternity. -But by helping us i mean "gave us a ship, and then we learnt that he left a bomb on that ship, nearly killing us" -Has been appearing in MC's dreams regularly to manipulate them into embracing a magic that will make MC his puppet -Managed to mind control MC for long enough to have MC try to kill their soulmate. -In the spin off fighting game he mind controlled a lot of people in the same way to make them his puppets and force them to try to kill their loved ones. -He's described in the game as "Just, The Worst". -Has this for theme song and we're supposed to think it's normal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2MHUJTciRg Personally i like him a lot because there's Layers to his depravity, mainly also that the horny feels a lot like an act some of the time, and that he's ultimately a man with intense inferiority complex and self destructive because he wants the love of his uncaring creator at all cost.

He's fairly popular in the fanbase but i've somewhat also seen a LOT of takes about how you're a bad person if you stan him. Mainly i've once seen a call out post saying all fans of Granblue Fantasy are bad because "Belial is a pedophile" quickly followed by "but i never played granblue". Like. The dude's a canon necrophile why did you need to add a crime he didn't commit on the list. (pretty sure it was on the list since he's an immortal guy who's two thousands years old who flirts with mortal people so there is Always An Age Gap but didn't he commit worse than that by now.) I've also seen some people hate him for how clingy he is to Lucilius and how he's earned all the abuse he recieves from his creator, but i don't know if those groups sweeped as low as to call his fans bad for it lmao. Oh right and once he was trending on Twitter and a lot of catholic people started to cause an outrage because "how could the youth worship the demon Belial by making him an anime boy, you're all going to hell", it was fun! There's a lot more problematic characters in the franchise that would honestly fit more to this prompt, but Belial is the only one who's popular enough to have people, even outside of the Granblue fanbase, make judgement on people who like him because he's Terrible.

pollrunner's note: belial's propaganda was all from one person and is supposed to be one big quote block but tumblr didn't like that so I had to split it up a little bit

[scriveyner]

stop time, your hand in mine

stop time, your hand in mine | 👿🐯 | NSFW | 7.2k

Atsushi woke in a strange bed, with the brush of warm breath on his shoulder and an arm folded over his side, keeping him in place. He stared into the dim room, eyes wide and heart racing, trying to put together what happened, where was he, who was in bed with him…?

Continue on ao3 or:

Abruptly the breath slid across his skin and a sleep-roughened, familiar voice drawled, “did you have another dream about hunting deer? Your heart sounds like it’s going to beat out of your chest.”

Atsushi didn’t move, trying to place the voice.

“And don’t say you’re hungry,” he said, and shifted; Atsushi felt him sit up in the bed. There was a pause, and Atsushi could hear the frown forming in the voice and—shit, it was— “are you alright?”

Atsushi stared at Akutagawa, who was pushing his lank, dark hair back off his face and yawning. When he realized that Atsushi was looking at him with wide, startled eyes, he frowned deeper, and his eyes grew sharp. “What’s wrong?”

“What are you doing in my bed?” Atsushi asked.

Akutagawa stared at him, silent for a long moment. Then Rashomon rippled from his shoulders and Atsushi braced himself, but the small head of the ability flickered past him to the light on the nightstand, switching it on. Warm light spilled over the lampshade and illuminated the small, comfortable room.

His gaze flipped from the lamp back to Akutagawa, who was studying him intensely, arms folded and a crease in his brow, but he wasn’t scowling. He just looked…concerned. “Do you know who you are?”

“What? Of course, I do.”

“Do you know who I am?”

“Yeah, which is why I’m a little concerned about waking up in a bed with you!”

Akutagawa sighed and tilted his head. “What is the last thing you remember, weretiger?”

“The last thing I…?” Atsushi frowned, thinking back. “I was on a job with Kenji-kun and Kyouka-chan, and we’d gotten lunch. They both managed to clean me out, and…” He trailed off. There had to be more to it than that, but even that memory seemed wispy, like the edges were fading into background noise, the threads unraveling from a distance. He shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs. “Did you drug me?”

“No.” Akutagawa’s response was flat and immediate, and there was an edge of anger to it that faded as he sighed. “And I suppose you have no reason to trust me saying it, I imagine.”

Akutagawa was acting so weird it was making his skin prickle. Why wasn’t he using this to his advantage, somehow? Atsushi frowned, but before he could even address that weirdness the door to the bedroom clicked open, clearly having never been latched. Atsushi jumped in surprise as two young children tumbled through the now-open door, their secure perch against it having been kicked out from under them.

Akutagawa was out of the bed in an instant and Atsushi shot upright as well, prepared to defend these children from Akutagawa—but before he could get moving Akutagawa was dusting the first one off…and Atsushi realized that these children were the spitting images of them. “What are you doing out of bed again,” Akutagawa said sternly, and the little Atsushi clone scrunched up his nose and said, “Ryuu almost wet the bed again!”

The little Akutagawa elbowed the little Atsushi, and Akutagawa’s Rashomon separated them both. “No fight,” Akutagawa said, in a very firm tone. “It’s far too early for that, I’ll take you both back to bed.”

“Hai,” they both chimed, and Akutagawa guided them out the bedroom door, latching it behind him. Atsushi stared, baffled, after them, and then looked around the room again. It was a cozy bedroom, and now he noticed the pictures on the wall, a stack of books on the dresser, and all the accouterments of a shared life.

He got up on his knees in the bed, and only looked back to the door when Akutagawa returned, the children presumably tucked back into bed. “I wish you would let me lock them in at night, the roaming is only going to get worse,” he muttered, and then seemed to remember himself.

Atsushi asked, dryly, “are they…ours?”

Akutagawa tilted his head. “In a manner of speaking. How old are you?”

Atsushi blinked at the question. “What?”

“Just answer.”

“Uh. I just turned nineteen a few months ago, and you tried to kill me again right before my birthday, don’t you remember that?”

An amused expression crossed Akutagawa’s face. “I do, actually. But, that was almost seven years ago. You truly don’t remember any time between then and now?”

“Seven…seven years?”

Akutagawa crossed the room, picking his phone up off a charger on the other nightstand. “You didn’t encounter any ability users on that last job, did you? Tanizaki-san said everything went well, but these things can come up out of nowhere…oh, I suppose you wouldn’t remember.” He was clicking through his phone as he talked and Atsushi just watched him, utterly bewildered by this. He curled his hands on his knees, and then, startled looked down at his hands.

He was wearing a gold ring on his left hand. It took a moment to properly process this.

“Are we married!?”

Akutagawa, phone to his ear, laughed.

“Are you fucking serious? We’re…what is going on-!?”

“Don’t yell, it’ll upset the kids.” Akutagawa half turned away, already talking quietly into his phone, and Atsushi stared at the ring on his hand, and around the room, before he slumped his shoulders and hung his head, defeated.

“What the hell is going on?” he asked, quietly, but Akutagawa didn’t answer.

~*~

Atsushi stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. He didn’t look seven years older…okay, maybe a little. His jaw looked a little squarer, there was a faintly healed scar under his left eye he didn’t remember, and his hair was cut much more evenly, even if the back was a little longer and shaggier than he usually wore it. If he looked closely Akutagawa definitely looked a bit older, but he wasn’t looking closely at Akutagawa because that was weird.

He splashed water on his face and tried not to think about how comfortable he’d been waking up before reality kicked in.

The bathroom door clicked open, and Atsushi looked over in alarm—and then down, at the dark head and dark eyes that weren’t even waist high yet. The small Akutagawa. He stared up at Atsushi with a familiar, quiet intensity that was distinctly unsettling coming from a six-year-old. "Father says you don't feel well,” he said, very formally. “And we aren’t to bother you.”

So spoke the child opening the door to do exactly that. But Atsushi could deal with children, he had plenty of practice. He crouched at the door so that he was at eye level with this small Akutagawa, clad in an elementary school uniform. “I’ll be okay, Ryuunosuke-kun. Thank you for worrying about me.”

His eyes got big and watery, and Atsushi blinked in surprise at the reaction. A second later the small Atsushi turned the corner, and the small Akutagawa turned and grabbed him and started bawling into his backpack. “What?” Atsushi asked, alarmed. “What is it, what’s wrong—?”

His small clone stared at him, frozen, and the small Akutagawa snuffled, “papa doesn’t remember me, oniisan!”

Atsushi leaned his shoulder against the door and tapped his head gently. “I got a bump on my head, and I forgot,” he said, “but I’m going to try my best to remember, okay? Please don’t be sad if I don’t remember. I’m going to need a lot of help.”

“Yeah!” The little Atsushi said, pumping his hands in the air in front of him excitedly. “I’m going to help you remember, papa! You’re going to help too, right, Ryuu-chan?”

Little Akutagawa nodded, face blotchy with tears. They both jumped when they heard Akutagawa roar from downstairs. “Ryuunosuke! Atsushi! I told you not to bother your father, you’ll be late for school!”

“Can you think up ways to help me get my memories back while you’re at school?” Atsushi patted Ryuu-chan on the head and helped him wipe his face before they both ran downstairs and, presumably, out the front door.

He remained crouched in the empty doorway for a moment before he sat, propped against the doorframe, overwhelmed. He was still there, hand over the bottom of his face and staring off into the distance when Akutagawa came upstairs to look for him. “What are you doing sitting there?” he asked, and Atsushi sighed, and wiped his eyes.

“They were so upset I couldn’t remember them,” he said.

Akutagawa smiled down at him. “That’s because they love you very much.”

“You’re smiling,” Atsushi said, surprised, and before Akutagawa could respond he laughed in disbelief. “The only time I’ve ever seen you smile is when you thought you’d be able to kill me.”

“Those days are long past, weretiger.”

Atsushi snorted but took Akutagawa’s hand when he offered it, to help him to his feet. “Who did you call earlier?”

“Ah, Kunikida. He said he would send some help our way if they ever showed up for work today, and that we were both to stay put until they got here.”

“Are you being mysterious on purpose?”

“Little bit.” Akutagawa didn’t release Atsushi’s hand and pulled him after, heading downstairs. “I started on breakfast, figured you’d be famished.”

The house was small but very homey. Atsushi sat at the table, and they ate together, Akutagawa loading up his plate with food and supervising like Atsushi wouldn’t eat everything put in front of him. He was remarkably hungry, he realized.

“Do they really have our names? The children,” Atsushi clarified as if Akutagawa wouldn’t know exactly who he was talking about. “That’s kind of creepy, isn’t it?”

“Well, they are us,” Akutagawa said. “I’m rather used to it by now, but I suppose it does look odd from the outside.” He held his tea in both hands and watched Atsushi thoughtfully.

“They are us?”

“Yes. Brought here by an ability when they were infants.”

“Huh.” Atsushi looked at his plate. That was a relief, he really didn’t want to think about how they came to be otherwise. “What do I call them?”

“Ryuu-chan and Acchan.”

“Ah. I made Ryuu-chan cry because I called him Ryuunosuke-kun.”

Akutagawa smiled into his tea. “He will be fine. They both adore you, and they’re worried.” The smile shrank, Atsushi noticed, out of the corner of his eye. “I’m worried, too.”

“Well, if this is an ability messing with me, Dazai-san should be able to take care of it,” Atsushi said pragmatically, shoveling more rice into his mouth…but then pause, looking at Akutagawa. His expression had darkened, just slightly, lips pressed into a line. “Is…Dazai-san still around?”

Akutagawa exhaled. “In a manner of speaking.”

“That was a yes or no kind of question.”

“He’s not dead, that I’m aware.” Akutagawa took a long sip of his tea, considering. “That’s pretty much all we know. Chuuya doesn’t reach out much along official channels unless Port Mafia’s goals happen to align with ours.”

“Wait,” Atsushi said. “Are you…not Nakahara-san’s subordinate anymore?”

“My darling weretiger, I work with you.” Akutagawa’s smile was genuine, and Atsushi wasn’t used to seeing it at all. “You succeeded in pulling me, kicking and screaming, into the light; so, if you want to go ahead and pat yourself on that back for that again, I’ll wait.”

Atsushi stared at him. “I…what?”

There was a knock at the door, interrupting them; and Akutagawa rose, leaving his tea on the table. He put his arm over Atsushi’s shoulders and kissed the top of his head in a clearly practiced, everyday motion he thought nothing of. “I’ll get that, if you’ll clear the table, please.”

Atsushi watched him go, frozen somewhat in place. After a moment, the shock wore off and he got up as well, to silently clear the table.

~*~

“Atsushi-san!” An unfamiliar girl with long, dark hair said when he joined everyone in the sitting room. “Did you get your memories locked out?”

Atsushi blinked at her, looking to Akutagawa for help because he had no idea who this was. Akutagawa raised an eyebrow, clearly amused, and she put her hands on her hips and huffed in aggravation.

“Keiko-chan,” the woman with her said, also clearly amused, “he doesn’t know who you are.”

Atsushi did a double-take at the elegant young woman in business clothes, seated on the couch. “Kyouka-chan?”

“He remembers you,” the dark-haired girl pouted.

Kyouka was taller than he was now, although not by much. She smiled, hands folded in her lap, and then indicated the young woman with her. “This is Hazama Keiko, my current partner. You don’t recall, but she had her brother both helped out with an incident a few years ago. She’s only now gotten old enough to join us.”

“Kunikida-san is mean, you joined up when you were fourteen,” Keiko said.

“It was that or jail,” Kyouka said mildly. “You also have a family, and don’t need the job.”

Atsushi said, weakly, “I need to sit down.”

“You weren’t kidding, Akutagawa-san,” Keiko said. “He’s really got nothing? How did he not kill you waking up here?”

“The children sufficiently startled him. What do you think?”

Keiko folded her arms and stared, very intently, at Atsushi. “Well, ‘nori’s the one who can tell if people are being affected by an ability. I can only mirror abilities back on someone, and I don’t think there’s anyone here we want getting hit with a memory wipe too.”

“You can mirror it to me,” Kyouka said. “If it’s an attack, Shirayuki-hime will protect me, and block it.”

“Not in our house,” Akutagawa said and didn’t look over when Atsushi laughed, clearly struck by the absurdity of the situation. “And I agree with Keiko-chan, we can’t risk anyone else’s memories.”

“You woke up without the memories, right?” Keiko said, and Atsushi nodded. She thought about this. “No weird dreams, nothing before you went to sleep?”

“Everything was normal when we went to bed,” Akutagawa offered, thinking aloud. “You let Atsushi wear himself out chasing you around the yard with his ability, and nothing was out of the ordinary when we went to sleep—aside from your obsession with that stupid deer in the documentary we watched.”

“There was that job that he and Tanizaki went on,” Kyouka said thoughtfully. “Tanizaki was normal at the office today, but it’s so hard to tell with him, sometimes.”

“He recognized ‘nori just fine,” Keiko added.

“True.”

Atsushi scratched his hand through his hair. “Does your ability require you to mirror it to a person? Could you maybe just bounce it off a dog or something?”

“I could try,” Keiko said, sounding doubtful. “You don’t have a dog, though.”

“No,” Kyouka sighed as well. “Without a sufficient target, there’s not much we can do at the moment. I’ll get with Kunikida and Yosano-san, maybe a put-together will fix whatever’s broken—”

“Absolutely not,” Atsushi said, panicked, visions of chainsaws dancing in his head.

“Until things are sorted out, I’ll keep him here,” Akutagawa said as they saw Kyouka and Keiko to the door. “My caseload has been light, but you might want to check Atsushi’s desk and see if it turns up anything.”

“I’ll keep you in the loop, Akutagawa,” Kyouka said, and Keiko waved as they departed.

“This is unbearably weird,” Atsushi said once the door was closed behind them, and Akutagawa sighed.

“I’m not surprised. The kids will be home soon, prepare yourself.”

~*~

Atsushi was sitting on the couch when the front door banged open, and a small white-and-black blur shot across the room straight at him, all paws and claws. Without even thinking Atsushi swatted him with an enormous tiger paw, knocking his small clone straight upward, where he twisted and smacked into the ceiling with all four paws, bouncing right off it and landing on his feet in front of Atsushi, hands in the air.

“THAT WAS AWESOME,” Acchan shouted. “AGAIN!”

“No,” Akutagawa yelled from the kitchen, and the front door closed. A few moments later Ryuu-chan peeked around the corner at them, and Atsushi, still scared half to death by nearly launching a child through the ceiling, waved weakly at him.

“Hi, Ryuu-chan,” he said, and Ryuu-chan’s face instantly brightened.

“Do you remember us?”

“From this morning,” Atsushi said, truthfully, and tapped his head. “Everything before that is still missing though, sorry.”

Acchan clenched his fists, eyes sparkling. “Papa, throw me into the air again!”

“Not indoors,’ Atsushi said, eying him. “Did you destroy your school uniform?”

“Did he?” Akutagawa emerged from the kitchen, a threatening aura rippling off him, and Acchan was already gone, thundering up the stairs with his tail between his legs. Akutagawa sighed, and looked at Ryuu-chan, who was watching them both with great interest. “How was school, Ryuu-chan?”

“Good.” He eyed Atsushi, past Akutagawa. “Will papa be better soon?”

“Hopefully. We’re working on it, though. Why don’t you go study with your brother, I’ll call you both for dinner.”

Ryuu-chan nodded, and with a final, concerned look at Atsushi, trailed his brother up the stairs.

~*~

Atsushi followed along, enraptured, as the two children described their school day. He’d never formally been to school, all his schooling—what little of it there had been—was done by the orphanage. “An’ then, Yoshizawa—he’s the one who pushed Ryuu down, I told him I was gonna bite his dick off—”

“Nakajima Atsushi.”

“I didn’t, I just told him I was gonna, an’ he ran off—”

“He did,” Ryuu-chan interjected.

“I didn’t bite his dick off!”

“No, but you told him you were gonna.”

“I said that!”

“Yeah! But you’re not supposed to say dick!”

“Neither of you are supposed to say dick,” Atsushi said, and they both looked at him, eyes wide. Akutagawa’s mouth was pressed into a frown, but his shoulders were shaking in barely concealed laughter. “Where did you even hear that? And you shouldn’t be fighting in school either, Acchan.”

“I had to! He pushed Ryuu! Ryuu-chan, you should have smacked him with Rashomon!”

Ryuu-chan looked at his plate. “I don’t want to scare them, ‘niisan.”

“Well, I do! They’re not allowed to be mean to you.”

Atsushi looked over their heads at Akutagawa, and Akutagawa smiled.

Ryuu-chan helped Atsushi with the dishes, because he didn’t know where everything went, and for the first time Atsushi saw his Rashomon, opening the doors he couldn’t reach, its red head emerging from his sweater. “Your brother looks out for you, huh,” Atsushi said as Ryuu-chan fastidiously dried a plate.

“Yeah.” After a moment, Ryuu-chan looked up at Atsushi, eyes watery. “I miss you, papa.”

Atsushi exhaled and then dried his hand before putting it on Ryuu-chan’s head. “I know you do, kiddo. I miss you too. I can tell you both mean a lot to me, and I can’t wait to rediscover all our memories. But until then, we both gotta be brave, okay?”

Ryuu-chan nodded his head, and Atsushi startled when they both heard a high-pitched shriek. “Oniisan doesn’t like baths,” he explained, and Atsushi laughed, and went back to the dishes.

~*~

Atsushi peeked into the bedroom, watching the two sleeping lumps in their separate beds. They were so peaceful, small and tucked in with their pillows and stuffed animals. Acchan had his thumb in his mouth, and Ryuu-chan was curled around a large, battered hedgehog-looking thing. They were adorable.

Akutagawa walked past, carrying a bundle of blankets, and Atsushi looked at him as he closed the door. “I’ll sleep on the couch,” Akutagawa said, and Atsushi shook his head once, firmly.

“I can handle sharing the bed, it’s plenty big,” he said, and Akutagawa stopped. “We really are a family, huh? I never would have dreamed of it. It’s so…nice.”

Akutagawa scoffed, amused. “Wait until you’re here for the tandem tantrums.” He was smiling, though, and met Atsushi’s eye. “You’re right, though. It is. I never thought I’d be allowed this kind of happiness.”

He looked distant, for a moment, and then tilted his head. “I still ought to sleep on the couch, I don’t…” Akutagawa trailed off, cheeks flushed, and then sighed and laughed at himself. “I have a hard time trusting myself around you.”

“Trusting yourself?” Atsushi repeated. “I don’t understand.”

“Sex, weretiger. You are my husband. Did you think we were chaste?”

Atsushi stopped dead in his tracks, eyes wide. “I, uh. I didn’t think about it.”

“No, I suppose you didn’t. It did take me sucking your dick to even awaken you to the possibility of such things in the first place.” Akutagawa put his blankets on the couch and patted Atsushi on the shoulder. “Sleep well, Atsushi.”

“Yeah,” Atsushi said, still stunned. “Goodnight.”

~*~

He lay on his back and stared at the ceiling.

Sex, with Akutagawa. He’d…he’d had sex with Akutagawa. In this bed. Multiple times.

Atsushi shifted, uncomfortable, and rolled up on his side. He looked across the bed, at the spot where Akutagawa should be sleeping, and felt the absence like an ache in his soul. He was just downstairs, but he should be here, beside Atsushi. Atsushi sighed out a breath and buried his face in the pillow.

This was all too, unbearably, fucking weird.

Last night he went to sleep in the futon closet of his dormitory apartment and the biggest worry on his mind was making sure he got all Dazai’s paperwork done before Kunikida realized he’d left it to Atsushi again. And now, here he was, seven years (ish?) into a very happy future where he had a house and kids and was married to the man who had just recently attempted to turn him into a pincushion in his eightieth attempt on Atsushi’s life.

And, worst of all, this life seemed amazing.

Atsushi groaned and rubbed his legs together. It was a mistake to bring sex into the equation because now that was all he could think about. It was very hard to not imagine Akutagawa’s mouth wrapped around his dick now that the thought had been put into his head; and after rolling over and not getting any relief, he finally stuck his hand down his pajama pants and tried, resolutely, not to imagine Akutagawa in any way, shape or form while he did his business.

He failed, hard.

~*~

“Good morning,” Akutagawa said when Atsushi emerged. His phone said it was Saturday, which made about as much sense as anything else in the last forty-eight or so hours, so he rolled with it. “Did you sleep well?”

Atsushi, holding his balled-up pajama pants that had started to get crunch to his chest, said, “uh, yeah.” He looked around. “Hamper?”

“Though the other side of the kitchen, with the washer.”

“Gotcha.” Atsushi disposed of the evidence, and once he emerged, he looked around. It was deceptively quiet. “Kids already at school?”

“Not today.” Akutagawa was seated at the table, a laptop sitting open in front of him, and a table propped up beside the screen. Atsushi had just stopped beside him, awkwardly, when they both heard the doorbell ring. Before either of them could move the kids crashed down the stairs and thundered to the door, tripping over each other to answer it first.

They could hear Acchan from the kitchen. “CHUUYA-OJI!”

“The lungs on that child,” Atsushi said, and Akutagawa smirked, taking a sip of his tea and otherwise not bothering to get up.

After a moment, Chuuya came around the corner from the genkan, two laughing children floating in the air in front of him. Acchan was upside down, his shirt nearly covering his face and cackling. “Oi,” Chuuya said. “I bet neither of you is packed yet, are ya?”

“Packed?” Ryuu-chan asked, hugging his knees to his chest and rotating slowly.

“You’re going on a sleepover, didn’t I tell you?” Akutagawa said, and both children started yelling excitedly, flailing around in midair. Chuuya let them drop and Acchan landed flat on his back, Ryuu-chan dropping on top of him.

“Oops,” Chuuya said, in a very “not an accident” way. “First one packed and back down here gets to fire my gun.”

Both kids ran up the stairs so quickly Atsushi thought they’d shake the foundations loose. “You’re not serious,” he said, and Chuuya shook his head, amused, before giving Atsushi a long look.

“So, everything’s gone?” he asked, tapping his head.

“Everything,” Akutagawa confirmed.

“Hey, you told me that Nakahara-san didn’t talk to anyone anymore,” Atsushi said, and Chuuya laughed. “He did!”

“Well, for certain liability reasons, we don’t talk via the official channels.” Chuuya pulled out the chair to Akutagawa’s right and sat. He was dressed in a fully tailored suit, black with a dark red waistcoat, and was carrying a long coat and scarf under his arm that seemed slightly too heavy for the current weather. “I’m gonna take them out there tomorrow if you want to meet us.”

Akutagawa nodded. “I think that’s the wisest. We’re going to try to use the mirror ability today, I think, and if that doesn’t work it’s the final option.”

“Can we maybe not speak cryptically?” Atsushi asked. “I don’t have any memories, I’m not stupid.”

“Well,” Chuuya said. “There is an issue to consider. What if: you didn’t lose your memories?”

“I don’t follow.”

“Ranpo-san said to consider the possibility that you aren’t our Atsushi,” Akutagawa said, typing as he talked. “That perhaps you’d been switched with ours, and we pot you back where you belong. If that’s the case, what you know could impact your future and our present.”

“Wouldn’t me being here at all already impact that?”

“It could have,” Chuuya said, “and if it has, maybe we can’t know. Or maybe the changes won’t make themselves known until you’re put back where you belong, and we’d all cease to be.” He shrugged. “And then, maybe you really did just lose your memories and we gotta knock ‘em free. We won’t know until we try. But we should be prudent, just in case.”

Atsushi frowned. It did make sense, as much as he didn’t like being kept in the dark. “Is that why you’re taking the kids?” A pause. “You don’t really let them touch guns, right? They’re six years old!”

Chuuya exchanged an amused look with Akutagawa. “He’s always like this,” Akutagawa said, and Chuuya laughed.

Indignant, Atsushi said, “they’re children.”

“No, I don’t actually let them,” Chuuya assured Atsushi, still laughing to himself.

“Not until they’re double digits, at least,” Akutagawa said absently.

“How about never? I don’t want them to have to learn anything about that world!” Atsushi was scandalized, but Chuuya just kept laughing.

Ryuu-chan came barreling down the stairs then, using his Rashomon to vault over the couch. Atsushi caught him in mid-air, backpack throwing his balance off, and Ryuu-chan hung onto him for a second, face buried in his chest, huffing and puffing.

“I beat ‘niisan!” he exclaimed when he finally lifted his head.

“Hey, nice one, Ryuu-kun,” Chuuya said, and Ryuu-chan beamed. Acchan fell down the steps thirty seconds later, hitting every other step, and landed on his butt on the floor.

“SHIT,” he yelled.

Akutagawa pinched the bridge of his nose, and Atsushi looked at Chuuya, whose face was starting to turn red from not laughing. “I suppose we have you to thank for his expanded vocabulary?”

“No comment,” Chuuya wheezed.

They saw Chuuya and the kids off together, out into the late morning sunshine. Atsushi shook his head, amused, as Ryuu-chan the victor rode on Chuuya’s shoulders, waving his hands in the air. “Hungry?” Akutagawa asked and held up his finger. “Don’t’ say always.”

“Do I really say that?”

“Literally every time.”

“Well, it’s true.” Atsushi followed him into the kitchen to help make their meal, and they ate together at the other end of the table, Akutagawa’s laptop still sitting open. It was comfortable and familiar now, the two of them, with the sunlight lighting up the room. Atsushi watched Akutagawa eat and didn’t even realize he himself had stopped until Akutagawa looked up.

“Everything alright?”

“Yes.” Atsushi pushed food around on his plate. “No. I don’t know.” He sighed. “I can’t get over how right this all feels.”

“I suppose it must all be very strange to come, coming from what you remember.”

“And then some.” He cocked his head and looked at Akutagawa, really looked at him. “It’s like, I belong here, but at the same time, I don’t, and yet…I really, really want to belong. And I want to love you the way you so clearly love me, but it’s a puzzle that I don’t have all the pieces to.”

There was a bit of pain in the smile Akutagawa gave him. “You don’t have to force yourself.”

“I couldn’t get it out of my head last night.” Atsushi’s cheeks flamed scarlet. “What you said.” Akutagawa watched him silently and didn’t interrupt. “About…how you sucked my dick.”

“Ah.”

Atsushi exhaled, and said, “we really are married, huh.”

“We are.” Akutagawa was watching him now, and his face was so red he couldn’t dare raise his eyes to meet Akutagawa’s. “I must say that this is rather charming, I can’t think of the last time you were so demure in asking for a blowjob.”

Atsushi’s head shot up. “I’m not, I’m not, I’m not asking—” oh god, Akutagawa’s mouth on him. Atsushi’s brain stuttered to a halt, and he trailed off, red to the tips of his ears. “You really would…?” he squeaked.

“You are my husband, whether you recall it or not,” Akutagawa wiped his mouth. “I won’t force you into doing anything you don’t want, but if you desire me to…” his eyes were so dark, even in the daylight, and something behind Atsushi’s navel quivered. “I would be more than willing to oblige.”

Atsushi swallowed hard, and then nodded his head once, short and tight. Akutagawa rose from his chair and Atsushi pushed his own back, but before he got up Akutagawa put his hand on the back of his chair, looming over him and turning his chin up to look at Akutagawa.

He was already breathing hard, heart beating loud against his ribs, and Akutagawa studied him, focused. “If you need me to stop at any time,” he said softly, brushing his thumb over Atsushi’s bottom lip, “I will. Just say it.”

Atsushi nodded, shakily, as Akutagawa knelt between his spread legs. He was wearing sweats, which came down his hips easily, and Akutagawa was oh so familiar with his body, stroking him slowly and working him up the rest of the way.

He’d thought Akutagawa’s hand was hot, stroking slowly over his sensitive flesh, but then his mouth was hotter, wrapping luxuriously slow over the tip of his cock, lips trailing down around the head. He was very focused, very careful, and Atsushi gulped air, slumping back in his chair, one hand gripping the seat and the other his own thigh.

Atsushi had never imagined something like this, lacked the toolkit to put it together but oh, if he was displaced this was going to live in his memory forever. Akutagawa was patient and thorough, slow in just the ways that Atsushi didn’t even realize he needed until his chest was heaving and tingles were running up and down his limbs.

Akutagawa pulled off his dick, stick strands stretching from the tip to his lips before he broke them by licking. “Enjoying yourself?” he asked lazily, licking his fingers.

“Wow,” Atsushi managed, so turned on, so close. “I’m gonna…I was close, can you please….please…?”

“Incoherence is always a good sign,” Akutagawa hummed. He nuzzled against Atsushi’s dick, still very thoroughly wetting his fingers. Once he was satisfied, he returned his mouth to Atsushi’s dick, and then pressed his thoroughly moistened fingers behind Atsushi’s balls, seeking—and, shit, he pressed them inside. Atsushi gasped, rocking back in the chair hard enough that one of the legs came up off the ground for a moment.

“Careful, careful,” Akutagawa said, letting Atsushi’s dick slip out of his mouth again. “Okay?”

“Fuck,” Atsushi breathed reverently, and Akutagawa pushed his fingers in deeper. It hurt but it didn’t, his body clearly accustomed to this, and Atsushi shuddered appreciatively as Akutagawa pressed his fingers in just right, up behind his dick.

He kept the pressure there, looking up at Atsushi through his eyelashes, a flush painted across the bridge of his nose. “Good?”

“Yeah,” Atsushi swallowed and nodded, and Akutagawa rubbed him inside again. “I want…” he didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted to keep feeling good, he wanted Akutagawa’s mouth on his cock again, he wanted something bigger and thicker than Akutagawa’s fingers rubbing against him and that sudden realization drove a moan from his lungs.

Akutagawa waited as he figured out what he wanted. “Please,” he said, flailing his hand, curling his fingers in the shoulder of Akutagawa’s sweater. “Please, I need you inside me…”

“Is that what you truly desire, weretiger?”

A flash of darkness, blood-red eyes, a hand on his face—

“Fuck me, please,” Atsushi begged.

It took a minute because Akutagawa knew they’d need the lube and the chair wasn’t the best place, so Atsushi hiked himself onto the table without a thought, heel on the edge as Akutagawa pushed his now lube-slick fingers inside Atsushi and Atsushi’s nerves lit up like it was Christmas.

He leaned back on his elbows, head hanging back and panting openly as Akutagawa fucked him with his fingers, the lube squelching out between them. Finally, he pulled them free, pushed Atsushi’s legs further apart, and dragged his hips to the very edge of the table. Atsushi actually sobbed aloud as Akutagawa pushed his cock in.

It was so much, but his body took it so easily, practically melting together. Atsushi had never felt like this and was quickly overwhelmed, covering his face with his hands while Akutagawa fucked him in slow, long thrusts. “Look at me,” Akutagawa’s voice was rough, he grabbed Atsushi’s hand by the wrist and pulled it from his eyes, and Atsushi shuddered, Akutagawa’s cock making him feel like he was combusting from the inside.

Akutagawa’s eyes were on his and he was undone, spiraling apart, cock jerking back against his belly and painting his skin with white. Akutagawa groaned as he watched, and he held Atsushi’s hips tight, moving faster, thrusts strong but uneven as his own climax built and tipped him over the edge.

They both panted together, locked in place—Atsushi stared at the sunlight on the ceiling and the way Akutagawa’s skin glimmered with sweat and realized he never, ever wanted to give this up.

~*~

Keiko’s younger brother was a gangly tow-headed fifteen-year-old who was clearly still in the process of growing into his limbs. He frowned at Atsushi, blue eyes narrowed, and then touched a finger to his forehead. Atsushi winced, expecting something to happen, but nothing did.

“Well?” Keiko said impatiently, and Masanori closed his eyes.

“Shut up, ‘neesan.”

“Don’t tell me to shut up!”

“Masanori-kun, is he under the effect of an ability, or not?” Kyouka asked, and Masanori sighed and opened his eyes.

“He is, but it’s not a normal ability. I don’t think ‘neesan’s mirroring ability will help.”

“What do you mean, it’s not a normal ability?” Akutagawa asked sharply.

“I don’t know how else to explain it.” Masanori looked troubled. “It’s there, but it evades my detection ability.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” Atsushi said with a sigh. He looked up at Akutagawa, who stood next to Masanori, arms folded while he considered things. “Now what?”

“I still think we should at least try my ability,” Keiko said.

Masanori shook his head. “It might permanently damage his memories. It’s not worth it.” He tilted his head. “It’s like…this was intentional. Someone wanted to hurt Nakajima-san.”

“Knowing my luck, that doesn’t narrow things down at all,” Atsushi said.

“Well, we always have that,” Kyouka said, and Akutagawa nodded his head. Keiko brightened.

“That? What’s that?”

“It’s a secret,” Kyouka said, and Keiko scowled.

“Secrets are lame, Kyouka-san. What if it’s something we’ll need in the future?”

“I’m sure they have their reasons, ‘neesan.”

“Don’t take their side, Bakanori.”

Masanori rolled his eyes and turned to Akutagawa. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help more, Nakajima-san,” he said and bowed.

Atsushi frowned and said, “but you did help. You crossed another thing off the potential list, Masanori-kun. Thank you.”

Atsushi folded his arms, leaned against the doorframe, and watched them depart. “He called you Nakajima-san,” he said, and Akutagawa shooed him away, closing the door.

“Caught that, did you.”

“Did you take my name?”

Akutagawa gave him an amused look. “Well, I couldn’t exactly keep mine. There was a price on it. Besides, it made things simpler registering the children with us if we all shared the same name.”

It was a weird feeling that settled in his chest at that. Atsushi turned his face away. “Are we going to go see Dazai-san now?”

Akutagawa sighed and nodded. “Yes. Tomorrow.”

“Still going to keep up with the secrecy?”

“Only for tonight.” Akutagawa passed him. “Tomorrow you’ll know everything, regardless.”

~*~

Akutagawa slept with him in the bed, although they didn’t fool around. Atsushi found he couldn’t fall asleep; he stared into the darkness and tried his hardest to remember something. He didn’t want to lose this, he didn’t want to go back to the futon closet knowing what he could have, what he wouldn’t have because…because he would fuck it up, somehow. How could he look at Akutagawa, his Akutagawa, his memory of Akutagawa…and not see this? He’d get his head lopped off trying to get close to him.

“You’re thinking too loud,” Akutagawa said softly, and Atsushi pushed his palm into his eye and sniffled.

“What if I have to give this up?” he asked.

Akutagawa’s arms found him in the dark and pulled him close. “Then you have something wonderful to look forward to, my darling weretiger.”

Atsushi pressed his head to Akutagawa’s chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and, eventually, slept.

~*~

The train took them out of the city. Atsushi didn’t pay that much attention to where they were going, though they had an overnight bag. Akutagawa seemed equally at ease out of the house, and he didn’t lurk, it both bothered and delighted him, even more so when Akutagawa took his hand and held it.

From the train, there was a car waiting for them, a dark sedan with tinted windows, and a familiar driver. “Higuchi-san,” Atsushi said, surprised, and she gave him a small, tight smile and a bow.

They drove down deeply forested roads, and in the distance, he could see a large lake sparkling through the trees. “Where are we?” he asked Akutagawa.

Akutagawa said, “does it really matter?”

“Nah.”

There was a traditional Japanese residence waiting for them at the end of a long drive. Ryuu-chan was sitting on the edge of the engawa and kicking his feet in the air; when he saw them emerge from the car he hopped up and stood in place, practically vibrating. Once they got close enough, he couldn’t take it any longer and launched himself against Akutagawa, wrapping around his leg.

Akutagawa very gently pried Ryuu-chan free and picked him up instead, holding him against his hip in a practiced motion. “Did you have fun staying overnight?” Atsushi asked him because he couldn’t take how cute they looked together.

Ryuu-chan nodded his head, and Akutagawa let out a small, amused sigh. “Dazai-san scares him, sometimes,” he said, and Ryuu-chan nodded his head even more violently. “We’ll stay out here, won’t we, Ryuu-chan?”

Ryuu-chan nodded again, holding Akutagawa’s shirt with one hand. Akutagawa and Atsushi exchanged a quiet look over his head, and Atsushi took the duffel off, leaving it on the engawa next to them.

“He’s in the garden, papa,” Ryuu-chan said softly, and Atsushi smiled and patted his head gently.

“Thank you, Ryuu-chan,” he said, before stepping off the engawa and back into his shoes.

He walked around the side of the building, where there were more trees and flowering plants. Near the back, there was a small platform that overlooked the water. Seated there, in a wheelchair, sat Dazai; with Acchan perched on his lap and talking animatedly.

“…Dazai-san?” Atsushi asked carefully as he approached, and Dazai turned his head toward Atsushi and then smiled.

“Atsushi-kun! Acchan said you would be coming by today. How good to see you!”

In stark contrast to his words, there were old, off-white bandages wrapped entirely around his eyes. He tapped them with the hand that wasn’t steadying Acchan, and said, wryly, “figuratively, of course.”

Atsushi swallowed. “What…happened?”

“Oh, a great many things that don’t bear talking about today.” Dazai tilted his head, and Acchan tugged on his kimono.

“Dazai-oji, can you hear those birds? What kind are they?”

They were all silent for a moment, listening to the distant call of birds on the water. “Those are herons, Acchan,” Dazai said. He patted Acchan’s side. “Why don’t you go find your brother, I’m sure he’s lonely.”

“He’s with father. I want to stay with you and papa!”

“It’s okay, Acchan,” Atsushi said. “We’ll be along shortly.”

Acchan pouted but, after a moment, slid off Dazai’s lap. Atsushi watched him run off across the garden, and then looked back to Dazai. Dazai had turned his face back out to the lake, hands smoothed across the kimono over his legs. “Acchan helps me hear the birds,” he said. “The breeze off the water is always nice, this time of the year. But you didn’t come here for just a social visit, did you, Atsushi-kun?”

Atsushi swallowed again. He was looking at the way Dazai’s kimono fell, and the single foot that he could see. Then he shook his head, realized Dazai couldn’t see that, and said, “no. Not today.”

“He took your memories, did he?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Dazai seemed surprised by this response.

“What if I’ve been switched with the Atsushi that belongs here? I can’t tell. I don’t have any memories.”

“Ah,” Dazai said. “You don’t want me to dispel the ability, because you’re afraid of leaving this behind.”

Atsushi sat down on the wooden platform, beside Dazai’s wheelchair. “It’s like everything I’ve ever wanted,” he said, softly. “Ever since I was told I was worthless, that I didn’t deserve to live, all those nasty things that they told me over and over again at the orphanage. The life that seemed forever out of reach.” He stuck his hand out in front of him, looking at the ring on his finger, sparkling in the sunlight. “Home. Love. Friends. A family of my own.”

Dazai was quiet, letting him talk. Atsushi sighed again. “But I do have those things, even back then. I have a home with the Agency. I have friends who love me. Who are my family.”

“If you end up going back, what will you do?”

“Everything in my power to get back here,” Atsushi said, vehemently.

Dazai smiled. “And in the end, that’s all you can do,” he said, softly putting his hand in Atsushi’s hair. “That’s all any of us can ever do.”

[sassenashsworld]

Ok I will get a little sentimental here, then feel so free to just ignore this post

It's a hard subject too, really hard to me but maybe hard for someone who have go thought similar

So, July 17, 2021 will remain a date in my life I was pampered by Life (not so much lool) because although I come from very far and very low, even if I lived many trials that I will not talk about (we all have our childhood, eh, and many have lived worse), but life gave me plenty of resources, and even if I saw the horror, even I’ve lived horror, by some miracle, I’ve always managed to get through it and go further, higher, and to get thrught it, somewhere, always manage to be myself, sometimes had the luck to make a difference, to have incredible experiences, and finally, to fulfil some of my dreams I was pampered because I built a life for myself—not quite as I dreamed, but authentic I’ve achieved goals; I can raise my kids, okay, and I have my house, my publishing house, a few novels under my belt, and a few projects  I am a respected person. I am a respected person in my family and in my political life (Eh OH! NO! Don’t imagine anything! I help the good guys, I am behind and I do not belong to any political party; I help the people FOR THE PEOPLE), in my community. I have the respect of my peers and friend Especially because I have always managed to stay clean, because I am involved, and because wherever people are discouraged, I continue to say, "Just because no one has done it does not mean that no one can do it." And I do it; I assist in doing it; I do good But in reality, it was before. It was before July 17, 2021 Because on July 17, 2021, the only person I managed to experience feelings like I thought I was in love with, the only person who managed to get into my sacrosanct, the only person I trusted enough to, once in my life, completely open up to... tried to kill me and my kids

In one evening, my whole existence changed in every way (and, uh, I don’t talk -write- about it without emotions, I confess)

In all the hell that became, for one night, my life for almost two years, I managed to stay in the course. I didn’t get the help I should have, but I had an incredible team around me, and I didn’t lose anything. I still have my children, I still have my house, and I still have my reputation.

But I lost... myself I got horribly and irreparably lost I was told I was capable of anything; I now feel capable of nothing. And the fact that everyone around me—my former colleagues, the publishers and authors I worked for—still believes in me only makes things worse.

Because I was not that person anymore, I'm not her anymore

And I can’t find her And I entrust to you that even though I am a fervent worshipper of life, I have thought many times... I questioned myself in the worse way... I just stand because I knew it was the good thing to do. I just stand for my kids... but I didn't believed in anything anymore. I lost my confidence.

I didn't believed in me anymore

Stupidly, at some point in my life, I was asked to make a (required) choice, and I had to be a mother or a gamer. I had a collection that would make you happy Gamer since the 80s Imagine a, eh-eh, game Yes, I had it Platform and everything In a moment of rage when I was ultimately judged to dare to continue to be a gamer after having children, I took everything out on a table in front of my house, put up a sign to sell for $50, and I’ll let you imagine the face of the guy who ran to get his son to bring the boxes home (add a few zeros to the value of the merchandise, and that was the last time I had my collection appraised)

Okay, yes, I can be intense But at that moment, I dedicated my life to my children, and I sacrificed everything, literally everything

Why am I telling you? Because after July 17, 2021, I was no longer able to find who I was; I had always breathed with the same confidence and was now prone to panic attacks. I thought I’d die several times in the next six months just because my heart couldn’t take it anymore At the height of despair, at one point, I decided to turn to the one thing that made me feel alive—to evolve, over the years, for so long, outside of the literature on which I couldn’t concentrate at all Video games I feverishly took the box of Fallout 4 that I had just bought on a whim, put it in my PlayStation (ok, that of my children), and... and I started playing again for the first time in twelve years And... it helped me a little bit Then... I met him Nick Valentine And a real miracle happened The inspiration, the real The real thing The current that had ruled me all my life What I called my harmonic chord It vibrated again With Nick Valentine, I started climbing the echelon again to get out of my trauma He reached out to me with his kindness, reminded me of the values I had stood for all my life, and most of all, reminded me that other people are fighting to pass on those values (he was a creation of people, people who thought he should exist) He reminded me that every fight is worth it when it is conducted with the heart And I lived in my little reclusive world for those long months, alone with my video game and my fanfiction, then shyly (still) on my tumblr blog that I was so afraid to open, but that turned out to be another big step towards healing And on the weekend On the weekend, what Kennet Vigue, Wes Johnson, Stephen Russell, Courtenay Taylor, Peter Jessop, Danny Shorago, Matt Mercer, Shari Elliker, Paul Guyet and everyone else did it...

They offered me a moment of happiness

Of true happiness What I hadn’t tasted for so long... I laughed like I couldn’t remember being able to do... My parents told me I looked alive again And that’s how I feel For many, it will only be a show; a stream For many, it will be an epic moment For me, it was almost like a rebirth I feel alive again For the first time since July 17, 2021 Thank you, and thanks for making this magic moment in the name of a cause I am proud to help, for my grandad and my best friend I have lost at the hands of Alzheimer's...

[haledamage]

Bonus! Inhale for Qora/Arcann :3

[ INHALE ]: while standing in very close quarters to the receiver, the sender shakily inhales with desire/anticipation as they realize how intimately close they are to one another.

Today is a lovely day for some Arcann angst! And also Arcann fluff, because he deserves it. This ties directly into For What It’s Worth (for those who haven’t read it or want a refresh and want to skip ahead to the scene it pertains to, it starts with the line “He isn’t surprised to find her in his dreams that night.”) 

sometime shortly after KotET and Unmasked Regret! that’s right, we’ve got actual in-relationship Qora/Arcann this time :3 vague mentions of past abuse

---

The tension was palpable as Qora and Arcann waited for the elevator to make its way all the way to the base of the tower where they stood. It pressed in around them, heavy and oppressive, and made even Qora hesitate to break the silence.

It lingered after they stepped onto the platform and it started its ascent, until finally she couldn’t take it anymore. “Are you sure about this, Arcann? We don’t have to do this, you know.”

“Yes, we do.” He sounded almost serene, and she might’ve bought it if she couldn’t feel the twisting storm of emotions underneath the calm surface. “I do.”

The rest of her argument died before she could give it voice. They both knew she wouldn't make him do this alone.

“There’s no telling what Vaylin did while you were gone,” she warned anyway, as gently as possible.

“I know. But I need to see it for myself,” he insisted. He glanced in her direction, a small smile lifting one corner of his lips. “Besides… you’re the Empress now. Don’t you want to see your palace?”

“‘Empress’ me again and see where it gets you,” Qora said sourly, with an equally sour grimace.

The low, warm chuckle Arcann gave her in response was almost worth putting up with the title. If only for a little while.

The elevator doors opened unceremoniously into a long, empty hallway. The walls were white and bare of any adornment except for three identical doors, one on each wall and one at the end.

Part of her remembered this hall, even if she’d never been there before. She’d dreamed about it, children sneaking from one room to another, the thrill of staying up past curfew and testing the bounds of what they could get away with. Happier times.

The room at the far end was Vaylin’s. A room to keep her always a bit removed from her brothers, disguised as a place of honor. To the east was Thexan’s room, with windows that faced Zakuul’s sunrise. It had long sat dormant, untouched since his death, exactly as he’d left it. And to the right…

Arcann had gone ahead while she lingered by the elevator, but he waited for her outside the door that she knew led to his room. The turmoil she felt from him downstairs was even worse now, strong enough that she could barely tell her emotions from his anymore. Pain, fear, regret, guilt.

Which would be worse to find on the other side of the door? Destruction left by his sister’s petulant wrath, or an untouched memorial like his brother’s room?

I shouldn’t be here. I should never have come back.

Wordlessly, Qora stepped up to his side. When she slipped her hand into his, his doubts went abruptly silent.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Arcann opened the door and pulled her into the room with him.

The feeling of deja vu was even stronger here than it had been in the hall. This was a room Qora was intensely, intimately familiar with. 

She had spent dozens of nights here, in Force-given lucid dreams she shared with Arcann. Pacing the living space, judging his taste in decor, deliberately pushing his buttons in an effort to understand him.

When she looked back at the last few years, it wasn't the war that came to mind first. It was this. This place. Years of the two of them drawing lines in the sand and taunting the other to cross them until they found themselves unexpectedly meeting in the middle.

It looked exactly as she remembered it. White, silver, and black, not a speck of color or luxury to be found. Stark, utilitarian, impersonal. Cold. More of a prison cell than a bedroom, belonging to a man who had been raised to believe sentimentality and comfort were punishable offenses.

Barely conscious of what she was doing, Qora crossed the room to the table by the bed, and picked up Thexan's lightsaber.

A few seconds later, Arcann joined her. He carefully took the hilt when she held it out to him, turning it slowly in his hand. "This doesn't feel real," he murmured, echoing her own thoughts.

"It was always real." She stepped away, restless energy pulling her back toward the center of the room. Looking for something, but she didn't know what yet. "I tried to pretend it wasn't, but I was lying."

Arcann hummed an agreement, which melted into a dry, humorless laugh as understanding curled through their bond. "If it wasn't real, then nothing that happened there mattered. Anything we said or… did, didn't have to change anything when we woke up."

That little pause before did got Qora's attention, but she didn't comment. She would have, once upon a time, but she didn't feel the need to anymore. She trusted that he'd tell her in his own time.

So much had changed since then.

"Do you remember the last time we were here together?" The gentle rumble of Arcann's voice came from right behind her, likely following the same impulse she was.

When she spun around to face him, he wasn't looking at her. His gaze was locked on the wall behind her. It was obvious where his mind was.

Qora’s thoughts were drawn to the same place, the same memory. The night after the battle on--and destruction of--Asylum. He’d come very close to killing her that day, closer than she’d ever admitted. But afterwards, in the dreamspace they sometimes shared, the lines between “friend” and “enemy” could get blurred and become… something else entirely.

She remembered Arcann, unmasked for the first time since they'd met. The anger simmering in his golden eyes, not quite strong enough to hide the fragile uncertainty underneath. The way that rage had cooled, just for a moment, when she touched him. The warmth of his skin as she traced the ridges of scars he’d never let anyone else see.

A moment of understanding, of connection, of vulnerability. She'd thought she was finally getting through to him.

Arcann, take your mask off. I’m tired of talking to it. I want to talk to you.

I do not want your pity, Qora.

Is that what you feel from me? Pity?

And then everything had gone wrong. In a blink, they were enemies again. It had taken the better part of the next year just to claw her way back to where they’d started.

Qora wasn’t aware she was moving until her hand settled against Arcann’s cheek, the durasteel of her prosthetic cool against his skin. Synthetic nerves let her feel the ridges of his scars just as she had that night--though she was quite a bit more familiar with them now.

He leaned into her touch, finally turning away from the wall. His eyes were pale blue instead of the golden orange of her memory; less fragile, less uncertain, no longer angry and full of something almost approaching contentment.

“Sometimes I wonder…” he spoke so quietly that Qora had to step closer to hear him properly, “how things might have been different, if I’d made another choice that night.”

“What other choice?” She'd asked herself that question so many times, and still hadn't found a satisfying answer.

Arcann looked behind her at the wall again, unwilling to meet her eyes anymore--though he didn’t otherwise pull away from her. “I’m… not sure.” His brow furrowed as he got lost in thought, and Qora automatically brushed her thumb over it to soothe it away. “Everything I felt about you then was… tangled up. Hatred, jealousy, desire… I couldn’t tell where one ended and the next began.”

Saying ‘I know’ felt trite, even if it was the truth. She knew it all too well, the fear that had been beaten into both of them under the guise of "training", the suspicion that every kindness hid a new cruelty, that an offered hand held the sharpest knife. Spend enough time in darkness and you’ll become afraid of the light.

What she said instead was, “I understand.” It didn’t feel like enough either.

“What I do know…” his breath hitched with a sharp, shaky inhale, as her other hand settled on his unscarred cheek, cradling his face between her hands, “is that no one had ever touched me like you did. Like I was something special. Something worthy. Part of me would have done anything you wanted if it meant you would keep doing so.”

“It wouldn’t have taken much. I’ve never been any good at keeping my hands to myself, where you’re concerned.” Qora’s voice fell short of her attempt at levity, coming out too quiet and too sincere.

It was still enough to draw a smile from Arcann. “I don’t mind. I never have.”

His arms curled slowly around her waist, drawing her in and closing what little space still remained between them. His smile grew wider and just a little playful; she was too distracted by the lovely sight of it to recognize it as the warning it was.

“Besides,” if his smile was playful, his voice was downright teasing, “what else could I possibly offer you? I’ve already given you my Empire.”

All Qora managed was an indignant squawk before Arcann interrupted her with a kiss, his laughter warm and sweet against her lips.

[timeoverload]

The past 2 days have been pretty rough. I'm having a hard time keeping up. I wish I didn't have so much to do. I got to work 20 minutes early yesterday and was there until 6 last night. I was moving slow this morning so I barely made it on time. I hate having to rush because it's hard for me to do that. I had to stay 20 minutes late tonight because of an add-on and then it took me 10 minutes just to change my clothes because I am sore. I had to shuffle to the car and it's embarrassing crossing the street because people are sitting in their cars staring at me.

I've been trying not to take my muscle relaxers but I had to take one this afternoon. It's not doing much for me at this point and I feel like I need to take more but I know I shouldn't. I'm glad it isn't an opioid and it's not as addictive but I wish I didn't feel like I needed to take one to get through the day. I am going to avoid taking them tomorrow because I would like to have a beer after work since I haven't had one in a long time and it sounds nice.

The back of my leg feels like it's on fire. When I got my injection last week, the doctor must have put pressure on one of my nerves because I felt a shock down my leg and it was scary. I remember that I sort of experienced that last time I got an injection but this time was a lot more intense. I think that my pain has gotten worse since last week.

I finally found my cane last night while I was looking for batteries so that's nice. I wish it didn't take me so long to find things but my bedroom has become a black hole basically. It is getting ridiculous.

I am too worn out to do anything. I still haven't gone to the store. I am probably going to have to wait until Friday to do that. I haven't gone to pick up my glasses either so I need to try to do that on Friday too. I really don't want to go back there and it's giving me anxiety.

It didn't really feel like valentines day. I am trying not to be sad about it but I will be ok. I think I have been overly sensitive and emotional this week. I am just going to blame my hormones for that.

I think I need to try to relax while I can. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I think I am just going to wear my pajamas to work in the morning because it takes me too long to change my clothes otherwise. I know I'm going to need to give myself some extra time to get to work anyway. I know I will have at least 32 cases tomorrow. The fastest doctor has 19 cases in the morning and he will have 2 rooms so that's going to be fun.

I really hope someone can cover my breakfast and lunch. I also hope the food is better tomorrow. They had chicken strips at lunch and they were chewy and hard to eat. I also spent almost $8 on 4 of them and they aren't that big. I am so hungry now because I didn't eat enough earlier so I will probably go make food soon.

I already know I'm going to have to go to bed early. I haven't slept well the past few nights because I have had some very vivid and violent nightmares. A lot of them have been about work. It would be great if I could have some good dreams tonight. I should probably go eat now and get ready for bed. I hope I can make tomorrow a good day even if it's stressful.

I hope everyone else has a great day tomorrow!!! Happy valentines day!!! 💖💖💖

[wittybibliophile]

DIRTY AIR SERIES - LAUREN ASHER

Book Two : COLLIDED 🎨🖌🏁🏎📚

" @ To the Sophie Mitchells out there- Be different. Be genuine. Be you."



#Characters:

*SOPHIE MITCHELL (21 yr old) - A short girl who is as free- spirit as she can be, full of life and innocence. She describes herself " like a lemon starburst, sweet but packs a punch". She is also a girl with a lot of stars, sneakers, printed tees and her naughty fuck-it list that she made one day while drinking after a very bad lay. She is daughter of James Mitchell, manager of Bandini (Noah slades's ) F1 team, and therefore has never been out of his radar regarding any teenage fun. James has always kept her in check in the name of responsibility, rules and respect but under all of that he does not realise he acts that way because he doesn't want sophie to end up like her mother, leaving her child and husband to go to africa to save under- developed countries.

Sophie has been in all girls school all her life, and once she turns 18 and is accompanying her father to the prix season, she is told to go for a kid's birthday party for face painting. Once she is in college, her life changes for the worst it can be… with bad lays and even worse list of boys to choose from. She is an accounting major, who enjoys drawing and painting, but she doesn't want to let her father down in any way, hence do not complaint about it.

Her life changes when she befriends, maya alatorre and liam zander during her prix schedule. She remembers where she has met liam before.. when 18, at the kid's birthday party a mysteriously good looking guy had bribed a kid to leave her alone to talk to him. At the time liam was 25 and told her she's too young and naive to be with him, and if they meet again under different circumstances and time they would.

Sophie avoids liam like a plague because of her father's instructions and he looks like double trouble… (yum!). Anyway, she shares another silent moment with liam under the starry sky at one of the prix end of race gala. Liam asks her for a date, after he discovers her list by chance… she acts too intelligent and asks jax and maya to come with so that she doesn't have to be alone with liam. Everything is platonic between them as she friendzones liam and keeps her distance, while liam and maya helps her with her list.

Sophie gets drunk during canada prix and kisses liam one night in a park, which leads to an intense atmosphere, which later leads to another kiss and for them to agree on a friends with benefit situation. Well, i will not spoil anything because reading about the hot and sexy deeds happening between liam and sophie, to cross off her fuck-it list are worth the wait. (Go and read if you haven't already. And to add to the spice and excitement all of it happens while sophie is trying to hide from her father, because F1 racers are out of limits for sophie.

Although sophie is scared and knows it can make their friendship ugly, she ends up falling for liam. With his charming, nerdy, hot, insecure self. Liam who helps her relive her dream, when he gifts her paint and sketch book. He makes her realise that she needs to follow her dream as she is allowed to chase her happiness. On their last day together before the abu dhabi grand prix, liam takes her to a desert under the most beautiful starry sky, to cross off one last thing on the list. Sophie spends her last hours with him with a heavy heart knowing after the last race he has to choose between her and his next year's contract with Mccoy. Well, she breaks his heart, fights with him at dawn and they leave the place.

Sophie is very distracted and sad. James asks her daughter for what was wrong and tells her that he might know about it as he is not dimwit. I love the whole daughter-father relation here, as james is so supportive and tries to help them afterwards. He helps liam to learn about the truth of his company who is trying to blindside him in the name of contract.

Sophie returns home with a heavy heart and confronts her father about her wanting to help kids through painting therapy. Well, what can a loving father do ? he agrees. Liam comes to sophie's place at the same day and proposes her, with his own dreamy list written at the back of sophie's fuck-it list. A big big happy ending.

*LIAM ZANDER (28 yr old) - A Tall , Dark, Dashing with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes Mccoy F1 racer. Best in the Mccoy team, bestfriends to noah slade and jax kingston. He recently got into trouble with his company for fooling around with the owner's niece and it is a bad time for any other distraction in his life, especially miss Sophie Marie Mitchell.

Liam can not refuse the wave of desire and attraction that rises in his heart and body for Sophie, but he is in check. Liam tries and tries to get close to sophie during first 2-3 locations of the prix schedule, but she has her boundaries built too tall for him to surpass or even to peek by. The worst happens to liam, yes what happens with every other guy in a girl's life = Friendzoned.

Liam and sophie has a intense and very very hot game going on in the whole book while trying to stay away from each other (noone wants to accept it in their hearts that they need each other in all the ways possible). He steals various opportunities to talk dirty to sophie in the most crowded places, leave feather touches whenever they are alone and close enough to each other. He cannot understand why he is so mesmerised by sophie's sparkling sneakers under the dresses, her printed Tees, her innocent face which looks at the starry nights, or her very naughty fuck-it list.

Liam is a pure soul ( i'm saying that), he loves kids and he reads everyday before going to bed…. and to top it all (my personal favorite reason) he knows that books are better than the tv/movie adaptations of the story 😍. Coming back - as anyone would do, liam tries to take sophie for double dates and offers to help her with her very specific list. Everything is going fine till they decide to be friends with benefits. They spend more and more time together. She helps him reconnect with his brother and nieces and restore his family relations… and guess what happens to liam??. love happens… 😏.

Liam has a wounded heart, something we all go through in life for various reasons. His college bestfriend Johanna who falls in love with his elder brother Lukas and they have a beautiful daughter, but during her second pregnancy she unfortunately leaves the world and zander family with a lot of sadness and her second child. Therefore, liam doesn't like to go home for vacations, for his niece's birthday because it is johanna's death anniversary. He does what he can do best and shuts it all down and focuses on racing and partying till sophie arrives and stirs these feelings in him, which terrifies him. He keeps lying to himself but he can't deny that he feels for her and doesn't want her to leave him and go home after the season is done. He keeps insisting with his company to let him continue the next season with sophie (as friends). But he gets to know they have been playing with his career for their own gains and it is time for him to decide everything.

Guess what happens ?…. Yes, liam leaves the team and joins another. He exposes his company and accepts that he loves sophie at the last press conference after grand prix. And… he goes to sophie and confesses.

Liam zander's character shows healing, accepting, feeling and growing up as a person.

I love lauren asher for always giving us all the perfect reasons to read and dream. This books shows a very beautiful way of healing right after showing us the lowest point of liam's life. Sophie's chasing her dream and happiness. Both Liam and Sophie are like a puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly. This books gives us lot of emotions which leads to very intense slow burn ( well, i live for my struggles 😂). i personally love their sexual encounters ( i will be updating one very sexy scene next month). There are kind of three epilogues , one in the last chapter where on christmas liam gifts sophie her dream car and asks her to move in with him. Another one within the book where they are married for two years and sophie surprises him with her pregnancy and one extended epilogue which shows 14 years after noah and maya (boy - marko )and liam and sophie's (twins - stella and leo) marriage. By the way their kids are legends on the race track.

This book was a treat and i think i found another one of my favorite troupe (which i do not know what to call ? Is there a name for it… friends to lovers?? Or something else.. 😉)

Xoxo,

Ironically Witty!

[the-raven-dhampir]

“..i’m dying…i don’t…have much time…..I-I’m…sorry..I love you..” He gasped as the phone fell from his hand and onto the ground beneath him, everything was feel fuzzy and he didn’t know how long he could last. A small gang of rouge vampires attacked him, leaving him with a bullet wound in his stomach. —Sol

Raven had fallen asleep on his couch in broad daylight. He had more than forty awake hours to compensate for, and when his phone rang he automatically picked up without even checking the caller.

Sol's voice found its space in Raven's fading dream, making him sweetly smile, before he could actually catch what he had just heard.

“What did you…?” He woke up much faster than he intended. “Where are you?” he screamed, but it was too late already.

He got up and rushed outside. A look at the moon confirmed that the night was still long. He drove to Sol’s house as fast as he could.

The hope for it to be just a sick joke faded as soon as he found Sol's cabin empty.

Raven cursed loud in the silence of the dark desert forest, before desperately trying to clear his mind.

Could there be a chance…? A part of him was a goddamn predator, come on!

He checked the tracks, inhaled the air, listened to any sound he could catch. And started walking. It was more instinct than reason, but he blindly followed it. He didn't have to go too far before the smell of Vampiric blood got very intense.

Solanine looked like a gorgeous white angel in the darkness of the woods.

Raven sighed in relief seeing that he had made it in time.

But oh, the blood. So much blood. It looked like black ink under the light of the moon.

He took Sol’s hands away from the wound and took a look. Stomach shot only. A stroke of luck, at least…

“You surely have a talent for trouble, Sweetheart.” he gently commented, lifting Sol’s body from the ground with no effort at all. “It’s alright, I’m here…”

He rushed back to Sol’s house trying to handle him as gently as he could. He thought over and over about all the possibilities: there was no way he could take him to any doctor.

Dawn, damn dawn felt imminent, even if hours away.

And there was no need for medical attention after all, all Sol needed was enough time for his body to regenerate, but that could be only after the bullet was removed.

Once inside, Raven laid Solanine on his bed, stroked his face and kissed his forehead.

“Hang in there… Stomach wounds are extremely painful, but it takes hours to die, even for humans.”

He sat beside him, took out his pocket knife and unfolded the blade as swiftly as he could. He didn’t want Solanine to see and freak out.

“I’m sorry, Love.” Before he finished talking, he stabbed the knife into Sol’s stomach, right above the wound, and sliced. His lover’s body twitching brought a lump to Raven’s throat. The pain must have been excruciating, and it was only going to get worse. Much much worse.

[moondragon618]

Just remembered something I experience occasionally that I could project onto c!Tommy lol

So I'm pretty sure this thing that I'm referring to is hypnagogic hallucinations, which are hallucinations that happen as you're falling asleep (there's also hypnopompic hallucinations which happen as you're waking up, which I also get but not nearly as often lol). They can be visual, auditory, or somatic (feeling or sensing something that isn't there), and usually only last like a minute.

Basically it's like your brain activates dream mode a little too early and you end up awake but partially dreaming (and with hypnopompic ones it's like you wake up but your brain forgets to turn off dream mode).

Also apparently it's a pretty common thing but I never see anyone talk about it (outside of like, sleep paralysis) so enjoy my over-explanation ig lol

Anyway now for what I'm getting at with this: hc that c!Tommy also has them. This will be very much based on my own personal experience ofc (but like. with added angst lol).

/rp

I'm thinking if Tommy's had them his whole life like I have, he probably assumes it's just a weird sleep thing that happens sometimes, and figures it's just his brain still dreaming after waking up or smth (basically how I thought of it before looking into it lol).

They're probably not all that distressing at first; just stuff like seeing some unidentifiable shape in the dark or briefly hearing the sound of voices nearby. Like at worst, maybe he panics for a moment bc those furnaces in his house look a lot like a creeper that somehow got inside while he was sleeping. But after a few moments of staring intensely and trying not to be noticed, he realizes it's not moving. And is fading out the longer he looks at it. And he definitely just woke up seeing shit again lmao.

But here's where it gets interesting:

It gets worse over time, especially during and after exile (and I imagine as the trauma piles up his sleep quality just gets progressively worse which definitely wouldn't help at all). You can probably figure out where this is going lmao

Imagine; Tommy trying to get some actual sleep for once during exile. He's finally slipping into unconsciousness when he hears it.

"Drop your stuff in the hole, Tommy."

Suddenly he startles awake, instinctively getting up and running out of Tnret (fuck he must have slept in or something-), mumbling apologies as he drops all his stuff in the hole-

But there is no hole. He just dropped all his stuff on the ground. He looks around in confusion as the anxiety fades, only to find that there's no one around, and it's like the middle of the night, and what the fuck was that about-

Sometimes he hears his voice, and sometimes he'll catch a glimpse of green and a white, smiling mask in the dark. It's very nerve wracking in the moment when he can't be sure if it's real or not.

It scares the shit out of him a couple times when he's hiding out at Techno's, enough that it takes him a bit to calm down even after he realizes it's not real. (There was also that small part of him that was happy to see Dream again, but he prefers not to think about that.)

He especially hates it after Dream is put in prison, and it gets even worse after his death and revival. It's like Dream is still haunting him, even when he's locked away. It makes him even more scared to sleep, as if the nightmares weren't bad enough.

It's a million times worse after the prison break because there's a non-zero percent chance that Dream is actually there.

He usually isn't. But there were a couple times it really was him and Tommy assumed (desperately hoped) that he was just seeing things again :)

You could also easily throw some sleep paralysis in here too, I just really liked that exile scenario I mentioned earlier lol. I could go on about the possibilities with this but this is getting long so I'll leave it at this for now lmao <3

[pbandjesse]

We are at my parents house! I am happy to be here on this Christmas Adam. Though it has been a bit of a whirlwind day. In many regards.

I didn't sleep great last night. I woke up a lot. Including eating chipotle leftovers at midnight. I was just unsettled. And then when I finally did sleep I had some intense dreams. Of being sick. Of throwing up. Running. A lot of visceral imagery.

So it was already fitful sleep when I was woken up by James getting up. And then they put on the plant lights and the whole bedroom lit up and I was so upset. It was so very bright and I couldn't figure out how to cover my head without getting uncomfortable with my breathing or my cold nose or anything and then I could hear them in the kitchen. And it took me a long time to fall back asleep and I was just upset.

They would wake me up though for real a little after 8. And I told them why I was upset but I was alright. I was looking forward to my outfit and getting on the road.

I got dressed pretty quick. My hands and fingers hurt pretty bad today. But besides that I was alright. I was looking forward to breakfast.

James had misunderstood the cookie gift instructions and had taken them all out of the bags I had put them in. So they fixed those while I got ready. And they were good to take with us. We took half of the boxes with us. Later when James would do the math I was very surprised we made over 200 cookies. Amazing.

It was still mild when we left the house. But almost as soon as we got in the car it started sleeting. I was determined to make it to Philly before the 30 degree drop. Some places in the country the drop was even worse but I was sure we could do it.

It was a little hard to see but James is a good driver and we got breakfast and got on the highway in one piece. Then it was just slowly watching the temperature go down.

We lost ten degrees in the first hour. We listened to a podcast about a less well known Bonaparte. And watched the weather change. It really felt like winter today. Came in like lion for sure.

And it was a nice ride. People were horrible. It was a little nerve wracking watching the temperature but it was staying in the upper 30s for most of it.

We did have to slow down a lot. We added at least an extra hour if not more to the total trip. We would stop at a rest stop to use the bathroom and swap so I could drive. I wanted to drive and sing and I got exactly that. Thank you James for letting me be myself enough to loudly sing for almost a full hour.

We stopped at the FedEx office to pick up my calendar James printed. And it looked great at the new size. And then it was 20 minutes toy parents. Which turned into a half hour when we were less then a mile from them but the cops mad eus turn around. I think a tree was down or something. So I took us through the old neighborhood. Got to show James all the goofy landmarks. Point out weird stuff I might have never shown them before. And then it starts snowing.

It really started it feel like Christmas.

This Christmas has been weird. With everything going on. The wedding. James getting hurt. Me starting new medication. Stress. Fear. And with Christmas stuff going out before Halloween even happened. It hasn't felt like a regular Christmas. And then Valentine's day stuff started going out last week or even the week before. I even saw St Patrick stuff today. The holidays are all confused.

But it started snowing. And it started to feel like Christmas.

We got to my parents and took a minute in the car to text friends back. And let people know we were safe.

We got inside and it was nice to see the dogs and give hugs. My dad got his prosthetic leg delivered this morning. So I got to see him standing which was awesome. And I felt really happy.

We all just chilled. And ate cookies. And talked for a while. The snow slowly stopped and that really when the temperature was dropping. It was in the 20s and very windy by 3 when we were heading to Jess's house.

And when we got there the whole family was outside trying to hang a wreath in the side of the house. Teamwork is one way to put it, organized chaos another. At least no one fell off the ladder.

Jess had a few presents for us. Including this really neat coffee cup water bottle thing she backed on indigogo two years ago that finally came. It's heavy but it's a neat thing. I can have two drinks in one! And she made James garlic spread and got them tile trackers for their keys and phone so they can't keep losing them. A very useful gift.

Me and Jess went to get eggs from the chickens and it was so cold at this point the screen door was frozen shut and we had to kick it a few times to dislodge it. We were very giggly and it was fun.

We talked to Jess's family for a while. About being married. About James's accident. It was nice. They had the fire place going and a really nice tree.

But I was excited to go out with dinner with Jess. She would show me some quilt stuff first. Her new quilt cutter which now I want. And the projects shes doing. And then we went to get James and head to the restaurant.

We went to JB Dawson's. Which was interesting because I have never been but was next to the first rite aid I ever worked at. My very first job! The busboys at JB Dawson's used to take naked pictures of themselves to be developed in the film lab I worked at be a use by company policy we had to print single naked people (we were not allowed to print them if they had two naked people) and they knew that it was just me and another girl who developed the film. So it was just. Sexual harassment. But we just thought they were gross.

But this was 14 years ago. And the restaurant was very nice. We came before the dinner rush. And we got salads and sandwiches. Jess got pasta. And James got an alcoholic Shirley temple which I didn't even know was a thing. But seemed fun. At the end we shared a gluten free brownie with ice cream that was very good.

And we just talked. About work and trips and life. It was a lot of fun. And I really enjoyed it. I wasn't thrilled to go out in the cold which had dropped into the teens. And continued to be very windy.

But we decided to go to Neshamniny Mall. For old times sake. Both me and Jess were mall rats in highschool. Which is just another funny way we never crossed paths. We absolutely should have with how much time we both spent there.

It was fun talking about the places that used to be there. What was still there, like the hot topic and the Spencer's. James learned that Spencer's has a whole sex toy section. I got to show James the revolutionary war display and weird non fountain fountain with a Native American person in the middle. The lack of food options. There wasn't even an Auntie Ann's anymore. But we had fun. Jess even bought a pair of shoes. And we saw Santa. I wanted to do photo booth pictures but it was $7 cash?? Who has $7 cash?? Jess says we're getting priced out of our favorite hobby and she is correct.

We were getting tired though. Our last stop was Barnes and noble to look at toys. They had calico critters and while I had a great time looking I was not interested enough in any to buy them. And James was getting red eyed and tired. So it was time to go.

It was getting closer to 10 degrees when we left. The puddle outside of Jess's house was frozen solid and I slipped a little getting out of the car to give her a hug goodbye. But I did not fall and everything was okay.

We left Jess and headed back to my parents. Where we spent two hours taking about religious deconstruction and sister wives and the Kardashians. It was honestly the best. Like I always get to have these fun conversations with my parents. But not always all together like that. So I was just having the best time. And I think some of it was the wifi was out so we didn't have the TV on and we're able to just. Really connect.

Steve stopped by to get something from mom but he had to run out. I'm glad I got a hug. I hope he stops by tomorrow for just a little Christmas. But I will understand if he doesn't. He has a lot going on. I love him regardless. I just would like to spend more time with him.

James started getting tired. And dad wanted to wind down. So I went to the kitchen to have a juice with mom and we talked about food for a little. James joined us. And eventually we all started to do our bed time rituals.

I got a quick shower. And feel a lot better. I just took my vitamins. James is lightly snoring next to me. And I feel really happy. I hope tomorrow is a really nice day. And you all have a good Christmas Eve.

I hope you are warm tonight. And somewhere safe. Surrounded by people who love you. Goodnight my friends. Be safe.

[chill-that-ur-inmyhead]

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? no you're not lol

Do you play video games? nope

Is your house more than two stories tall? only just

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? nope

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) charming, witty, funny hehe

What colour is your hairbrush/comb? sandy brown

What snacks do you have available in your household atm? flapjack bites

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? Nope

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? they are gawjuss but I am not attracted in a romantic sense

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? yikes probs

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? hmm male I think

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? brother lol

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? the other day

Do you play any games on Facebook? no.

What would you like to get a degree in? I'm good with the degree I have now

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? more so early in the morning

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? tv show or book tie then movie then video game haha

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theatre? nope usually pick n mix

What genre of films do you like the best? biopic or historical period drama

How many bank accounts do you have? one. 

Have you ever had the flu? once 

What is your goal for the next few months? find my next job

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? Nah. 

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. I kid you not, last Monday night I didn't make the rice correctly and suffered the consequences the next day - luckily took some meds and bounced back at work but really felt awful in the morning.

What are two things that you have no problem paying full price for? Kleenex tissues and dark chocolate

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. funny and smart

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? hmm I guess I have but not to the point where it has impacted me that much since nothing springs to mind

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? dangerous game since there's a chance changing something means I wouldn't be born!!

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? not really

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? nope

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? haha maybe tumblr itself 

Which is worse: dusting or mopping dusting

Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious? unlikely 

Did you pull a senior prank? No such thing in my school haha sound very American

Did you graduate? i did. 

What was the last song you listened to? taylor swift - Is it over now?  (playing now) 

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? nope

Is fashion one of your interests? yes but I'm not as knowledgeable as some

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? Isn't that the dream?

Do you care what people think? trying not to and I guess it depends who

Is acting something you enjoy? being perceived is not for me haha

What was the last thing you broke/sprained? nothing

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? Not fought but had disagreements with friends because of their s/o and mine for sure

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? not that I know of haha

Whose house, other than yours and your families’, are you most comfortable at? no one other than family

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? not yelled 

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? yes, badminton and tennis and I miss it - could have gone pro (joke)

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? not really. I can appreciate celebs from afar but it's nothing too serious just a bit of fun

Have you ever burned someone’s picture? haha nope

Would you ever get a lip tattoo? nope

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? Yao

Do your parents smoke cigarettes? not currently, mother did briefly like 30 plus years ago

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? You're on Your Own Kid (Taylor <3)

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. horse

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? taller but not too much

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? sometimes

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? I believe that they try but sometimes you can't help it

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? proximity to the big city

What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during? We're the millers always springs to mind haha

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? Ladybird 

What’s your favourite restaurant? I really need to experience more to decide a favourite

Is there a dessert you don’t like? salted caramel anything is pretty much a nope

Favorite album? taylor swift Lover and folklore but still getting into TTPD so this could change

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? The Fault in Our Stars - classic John Green era

Underwater or outer space? underwater

Kittens or puppies? puppies

Bird watching or whale watching? WHALES

What is your spirit animal? whale or seal. defo marine mammal

What was your best subject in school? english literature

What was your worst subject in school? physics

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? to be stronger in my convictions

Who is your fashion icon? Whoever is wearing an outfit I like

Diamonds or pearls? diamonds

What color dress did you wear to prom? BURNING RED

[dzpenumbra]

6/13/23

I woke up last night after 5 hours of sleep, and this time... it was a nightmare. And I got myself to dream journal, which was good. But... see... usually when I journal and process the dream, I come to realize that the experience of the dream itself was the most disturbing part. Usually it's kinda like a purging of emotions, and the imagery is sorta... I feel like it's prompted to kinda subconsciously justify getting those emotions out, if that makes sense. So the situations in the dream feel intense, but after reflecting on it, it isn't really that bad. Today, however... this was the exact opposite of that. After journaling and reflecting, I felt much much worse.

I have been super panicky lately, very anxious, very tense. Way more than I had been in ages. Very viscerally, too. Lots of physical anxiety symptoms that I haven't felt in a really long time. It's becoming a daily thing now. I guess it's just that whole... not feeling safe thing. And feeling that way... within my own body. That awareness of how fragile and fleeting life is.

This dream wasn't really about that at all though. It was about... vulnerability, and trust. Putting that trust into the wrong hands, willingly, eagerly. I was out partying in the woods with some friends, and my former "friends" showed up. And I took their arrival as sorta marking that I was safe to start getting drunk. I used to do that at parties a lot in my late teens and early 20s, just hold off on getting drunk until I knew for a fact that I had a place to stay or had a backup ride or something. It's just smart. I have no fucking clue why I thought these two were the safe bet though. One of them... she is the one that texted me a few months (weeks? idk) ago. The one who became a homeless fentanyl dealer who lost custody of her kids. Enough said... It's hard to put into words the pain she put me through, the fucked up things she did to me. The other? Someone we used to do drugs with, in the short period where I was regrettably recreationally doing coke. Just... putting that into words makes me feel a lot of shame, honestly. That's the association I have with her.

In the dream, I was kinda explaining that since they arrived, I was now allowing myself to start getting fucked up. And they asked me why I do that, and why I act weird when I smoke weed, too. And back then? I did not speak like this. I like to think that I thought like this, but I honestly can't even recall. But I was not this outwardly open and honest with my feelings at all; in fact, I was really quiet and reserved. But in this dream space, I was Present Me in Past Me's skin. And I just started telling them very bluntly, stream of consciousness, that I don't feel safe around people and that weed makes me feel very vulnerable. Vulnerability was a HUGE theme in this dream. And that I need to make sure that I am safe before I allow myself to be vulnerable. And the rest of the dream after that is really fuzzy but it was like... self-reporting to one of the cops from the RP server I watch, like turning myself in or something.

I woke up and I was not in good shape. I journaled and then did like a full page reflection after to process this concept. This concept that just permeates my entire life. That I'm just a trusting little puppy that just wants to make a friend, who just wants love and play and friendship and happiness. And I wear my heart on my sleeve and roll over and show my belly and... even sacrifice my values and do things I wouldn't otherwise do due to peer pressure or just to fit in... which haunts me with tremendous amounts of shame well over a decade later. All just to have a normal fucking life. All just for a normal fucking friendship. To just go and eat lunch and drive around and talk about music and shit. To go hiking and skateboarding. To talk about our problems and be there for each other. This has been so fucking absent in my life that I have suffered some of the most horrific things of my life just for a taste of it.

So... once I connected the dots in the dream... I saw that my dream self was kinda bluntly showing me the exact problem I have: I trust the wrong fucking people. When I have a crippling pre-existing anxiety disorder. And when I trust, I trust completely. Something psychology calls "porous boundaries", where I do... basically what I'm doing now - openly sharing my true authentic thoughts. And... that led me to another thought.

I have been wondering if what I'm doing here - this, this journal - is a good idea. Obviously it's anonymous, which keeps me "safe". I don't use real names, which is good. I didn't even use age or gender for months, deliberately. I'm thinking very fast and struggling to connect the proper way to phrase this. I feel like this journal is my primary form of communication, regardless of whether it's interpersonal or not. It's the majority of my thought-output directed towards an external audience (even if that external audience may just be myself), rather than internal banter. Outside of this journal, the only other social interaction I have is therapy for one hour a week, and the very rare seconds-long run-ins in the hallways on the rare occasion that I leave my apartment. I wonder if nurturing this way of communicating - which has been a life-goal of mine for a while now - making this form of expression effortless and nearly thoughtless is a bad thing. I don't necessarily think putting my thoughts out here like this in itself will come back to cause problems, but I'm afraid that training myself to be perpetually communicating like this will be like... getting my nuclear launch codes tattooed on my forehead. That I'm going to run into the wrong people out in the wild, thinking they're my friend... like I always do... And I'm going to have a gleeful shit eating grin on my face as I delicately load bullets into their fucking gun for them to use against me. As I have many times before.

This led to a nice adrenaline surge of remembering exactly why I'm avoiding meeting new people. I'm afraid good people are a myth. I'm afraid of running into more predatory people.

There was this allegory that really hit home for me a few years back, I think it was something from a Joseph Campbell video or something. It was about being a tiger amongst sheep, abandoned as a cub and being raised by sheep and thinking it was a sheep and eating grass and shit. Until other tigers came along and they took him back home and slowly adjusted him to their way of living, his natural state. I identified with that image on a lot of levels at the time, to the point where I kinda adopted the tiger as a spirit animal kinda thing. Now? Now... I almost feel the opposite. I kinda feel like a sheep amongst tigers... very very aware that I am a sheep and they are tigers... trying to go unnoticed and praying every day that they don't just turn on me and eat me alive.

And... I think that's a good way to describe what it's like to have whatever psychological disorder is manifesting here. Be it PTSD or severe social anxiety or agoraphobia, or a nice homebrew of all the above. That was a rough way to start the day. It took me a long time to get back to sleep.

I even gave up and started googling "mindfulness exercise for guilt and shame". Because I started... this is a classic abuse-victim thing, by the way. I started blaming myself. I started hammering in on "I should've known better", "I'm a bad person for having made bad decisions", "I should've walked away", "I'm better than that." With decades of shit. My family. Both of my exes. My former best friends. It was just a torrent of shit. And I was reading about the difference between guilt and shame. It seriously helped. I often don't like googling simple shit like that because... I mean... I'm smart, right? I feel like I know the difference between guilt and shame. But... can I articulate it? Humility is a necessary step before growth.

I'm literally googling the difference right now for a refresher. XD

Guilt is like an instruction manual for a specific wrong thing that was done. A lesson to be learned. "I cheated on that test and I don't feel right about it, so I feel guilty to remind myself of that." Shame... shame is a defense mechanism. A way to control and alter a past situation. It attacks your own morality and credibility... in some cases as a way to make it sorta inevitable that the situation would unfold the way it did. "Of course they broke up with me, I'm a broken person." Shit like that. It... softens the blow, with the narrative that there's no other way it could've turned out. OR... it can be a way to control upcoming things to keep ourselves safe. Blaming yourself, so that you can then focus on fixing something that was never your fault to begin with. So that you feel this sense of like... I can make it right. When you were never wrong to begin with. "I don't have friends because I'm a broken person, so I need to fix myself, then I'll have friends." When you were never broken, just... abused.

I guess it was easier for me to process that in second person. XD Weird how the brain works.

But yeah, reading stuff on that helped me a lot. I thought I was being consumed by guilt, but I'm not a fucking idiot. I know that cocaine is bad, that's why I quickly stopped doing it. Feeling "guilty" about that over a decade later is a sign of something different. It's not my brain saying "put a pin in that, next time say 'no'"... it's my brain saying "you should've known better, and you're a bad person for having done that." And that's fucking shame. Shame is a dick. Shame is a real cruel dick. "Shame on you." I guess that's a good way for me to remember it. If the sentence I'm saying to myself can easily have "shame on you" appended to it, it's... probably shame.

And what I learned this morning? Well... what I was reminded this morning... An antidote for this is compassion. Being self-compassionate. Being fair to myself. Being loving towards myself. Especially for things that were not my fault.

So yeah... that was a rough way to wake up.

I fell back asleep though. And I woke up the second time with 9 fucking minutes to get my grocery delivery. I set the delivery last night before my bath, and gave it a 3 hour window between 5 and 8. The dude delivered the food at 4:50. So I rolled out of bed, threw clothes on, grabbed my foldable cart thing with recycling in it and rolled out the door with Veil of Maya's new album in the AirPods. Morning breath and all. I usually take the elevator, but I only had one bag of recycling so I decided to fold up the cart and take the stairs. I ran into a college age dude who was coming down the stairs who held the door for me. I thanked him. I went and dropped off my recycling, got my groceries and saw two little dogs meeting at the front door. It made me so happy, I was grinning like a child. =D

I took the elevator back and when I got to my floor, the door opens and... I'm met by the same guy who held the door for me. And he said something like "ah, we meet again" or something, and I had music playing in my AirPods but I heard him and I laughed audibly, and then made this fucking horrendous wheezing noise after the laugh. It was fucking weird. Like I got a bubble in my throat or something, I don't know. It was embarrassing. Like... it's 5 PM, I'm un-showered, no scented oil that I use instead of deodorant because I'm a fucking hippie apparently, my breath probably stinks, and make this weird fucking wheezing noise. In the past, like... high school/college age? Even up to like mid-to-late 20's? I would've been fucking humiliated. Mortified. It would've taken me hours to come back from that. This was really not that big of a deal. I guess realizing all the other fucked up shit in my life earlier that morning helped me put it into perspective a bit? Idk. In hindsight, it's nice to see me caring less about superficial shit like that.

My workout was a bit tougher than normal today, I had to do these squat-to-sidekicks and it started fucking with the top of my right hip. Not sure what to do about that, really don't know how to get more mobility with my hips. Probably not sit around all day, that might help... But yeah, I knocked that out and it went well.

I played more Rimworld. I made homemade chicken with broccoli for dinner and it was really fucking good. I think it's pretty damn healthy too, and really wasn't that hard to make at all. I might try to make it a more regular staple.

I put more time into my fractal piece later in the night but... I'm struggling with it. I don't really like the direction it's going. But I don't really feel like it's my place to fight it. It's making itself. I am looking at it right now. I am tempted to just redo the texture that I did today, that I sunk hours into, and just... make the bubbles bigger. See if that changes my opinion on it. I feel like I just went too small with it. I don't know, maybe I'll come back to it tomorrow. It really took the wind out of my sails.

I get that sometimes. It used to happen more often with music. When a piece starts going in a direction and you genuinely don't know how to feel about it. And that whole "not knowing" gets interpreted as "bad". So... I think I'm gonna settle with <shrug> for today, and see what Tomorrow Me has to say about it.

Let's round out this big intense day with some tarot, shall we?

Past - Nine of Swords, inverted (Internal despair, nightmares, anxieties.  Deceptive fears that appear to be reality, but are really illusions.) Present - XV: The Devil (Vices; indulgences, addictions, excesses.  Being in a trap of your own design, which perpetually reopens old wounds, and struggling to release attachment to the lures of this trap in order to free yourself.) Future - The Sun (Hope, clarity, confidence.  Success, fulfillment, revelation.)

This one is pretty surreal. Very on-the-nose. And the bonus card that I used as a placeholder in the book was inverted Ten of Cups which made me just kinda go... aww man... :( Buckle up.

The thread starts with inverted Nine of Swords. This is a new one for me. We had Eight of Swords last night, which was the bound woman, who just needed a shift of perspective to see that she wasn't actually trapped at all. This has a similar tone of things not being what they seem... but it seems much more all-encompassing and outside of your control. Where 8 seemed more like... you're kinda trapped by your own design? 9 feels more like... experiential. Like an actual nightmare, or panic, or insecurity, or anxiety. Which is, when you really break it down, an illusion. They can be firmly rooted in reality, but they are illusory by nature. This is very on-the-nose and... is of course inverted. Being kinda... stuck there.

This symbol connects to... The Devil. The Devil is not as much about eternal damnation and punishment all that... I've always thought of it more as a representation of temptation. But the way it was described in this guide was a refreshing take on it. They described it more as a sorta... Greek Tartarus self-punishment kinda thing. Like a hell of your own design, that you could actually free yourself from pretty easily, if you could only let go. Which, again... feels very applicable, which I'll get into in a minute.

And this concludes with a card I absolutely love seeing - The Sun. Hope. The new dawn. The sun coming up on the horizon, which I see the glow of every day.

In short - I'm stuck in torment. By specters of the past, anxieties, night terrors, you name it. Things that do not corporeally exist in the Now. These, and my accompanying insecurities and feelings of incompetence, the shame, the hopelessness... they keep me bound. And I am doing it to myself. Which is really hard to swallow for everyone, that you might in fact be the person ultimately causing your own current suffering. But once you get past that bitter pill of looking The Devil in the eyes... you see that... If you are the only one keeping you imprisoned... you are the only one who can set yourself free. Lucky you! And right on the other side of that? A beautiful new day. The light and clarity needed to move forward and grow.

It's always tough to see spooky cards, but this is a really inspiring message, and one that I really needed today honestly. I immediately look back at that stupid weird snort sound I made with the guy at the elevator. Years ago, I would've beaten the shit out of myself about that. I would've been mortified. Now? I was embarrassed, but it was mild and didn't last longer than 15 minutes. And my way of getting there? Try to put myself in their shoes. If I had that encounter and acted like him, and the other person made a weird snort, I'd probably just go "huh, that was a weird laugh" and completely forget that ever happened. I do not tend to judge people for shit like that. And if this guy really did think I was a weirdo or something for it? Well... do I really care? Do I care what some judgmental person thinks of some weird involuntary breath bubble sound that I couldn't control? No. And the only one inflating that scenario to a level where emotions even need to be involved? Me. It's my Devil, it's my trap. And all I have to do is let it go, and it disappears.

Shame does seem to be my trap. The solution? Be a bit more shameless. :) This journal is a big part of that, but I think I need a bit more. Snowskating in the park was huge for that. Skating for hours in front of an audience, where people could see me fuck up and judge me, and be able to just... move past that? Because fuck their opinion? That helped me with confidence a lot.

I want to share a memory before I go. It's a little painful, and very frustrating, but it was very memorable and I think relevant. I took my girlfriend to a big mall about an hour and a half away from home. It was like a date night thing, I think one of the last dates we went on. I have been a Star Wars nerd since I was a child, she had never seen them, I sat her down and had her binge the entire prequel and original series with me in anticipation of the release of the new trilogy. This trip to the mall was us going to watch The Last Jedi. I'm actually pretty sure I got my current cheap-ass incense burner at one of those five and dime shops on that trip, too. I remember this trip vividly because when we were there, I committed myself to being more of a goofball. Skipping around and kinda dancing as I was walking and shit. Like I used to. It was always easier for me to do that in areas where I didn't know anyone, I guess. I remember I started doing it again at the grocery store here when I had the rental car, it was very liberating. :) And when we got to the iMax theater, I went up to the counter to get the tickets and I did this stupid little bit. I came up with it right before and didn't tell my ex, it was stupid and subtle, but the subtle things can get great reactions sometimes. I went and ordered the tickets but I put the emphasis on the wrong word. So instead of saying "The Last Jedi", I said "The Last Jedi". And I was fully expecting my ex to "yes, and" with me there and just treat it like it was completely normal and let it play out. But she did the exact opposite, she like pulled me back as though I was embarrassing her and she fucking corrected me. ... And that might've been one of the last times I did shit like that, at least in-person.

But I'll tell you, it may not seem like much? But I really think that was the moment that I really knew that she wasn't the one for me. Which is fucked because she gaslit me into thinking I was being an asshole to her and asked for a "break"... so she could fuck someone else... and then never told me about it, I just had to piece together the evidence later after I went groveling to get her back. It still fucks with my heart. And even with that, this was like... the reason why she wasn't the one. Because that's not a partner. It's so fucking blatantly not a partner. That's literally stifling and holding you back. Like... actually physically pulling you back and correcting you as though you're a child.

I miss that side of me, and I need to reconnect with him soon. I need to find a place for him to play.

It's late, bed time.