#at least there is a couple more dudes and like... two enbies

[nanowatzophina]

OC Questionnaire! (Warden Edition as well)

Thanks to @dungeons-and-dragon-age for tagging me! I'm gonna do my Wardens as well since... like her, I don't wanna go on too long and... I really would go on too long if I did anything besides my wardens...

Even with just my wardens it's going to go for a while... so I apologize

This is my second time typing this all out-- so bear with me...

NAME: Rosal Surana

NICKNAME: Rose/Rosie? Not a lot of people actually use nicknames for her but those are an option.

GENDER: Female (she/they)

STAR SIGN: ((I don't know enough about Star Signs or Tarot cards so-- I'm just not going to answer these ones)

HEIGHT: Average for an elf

ORIENTATION: Biromantic Asexual

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: Ferelden! Born in Denerim to be specific but her mother was a Dalish elf.

FAVORITE FRUIT: Peaches

FAVORITE SEASON: Fall! When the air becomes crisp.

FAVORITE FLOWER: Lilies and Lilacs

FAVORITE SCENT: Floral scents remind her of her mother, Firewood, Old parchment, new books, charcoal

COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Hot Chocolate or Chai with honey

AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: Depends on if she has a new book she's trying to read... But usually like... 5? 5 hours sounds right...

DOGS OR CATS: Both!

DREAM TRIP: A historical trip around different places she's read about!

NUMBER OF BLANKETS: One really thick and fuzzy one.

RANDOM FACT: She can not do healing magic to save her life and yet that won't stop her from trying. That's how she got those scars, trying to heal herself in the fight going up the Tower of Ishal but just making it scar over really badly. But hey, at least it stopped bleeding.

NAME: Lannaris Mahariel

NICKNAME: Lan or Lanna

GENDER: Female (she/her)

HEIGHT: On the shorter side for an elf which makes her pretty short compared to humans.

ORIENTATION: Gay. Lesbian. Women.

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: Dalish!

FAVORITE FRUIT: Plums or Blackberries

FAVORITE SEASON: Spring or Summer (before it gets to hot)

FAVORITE FLOWER: Geranium

FAVORITE SCENT: Woodsy, right after rain,

COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Herbal tea

AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: 6. Schedules are important to her.

DOGS OR CATS: Cats, she's actually scared of dogs (which is why she never went to the kennel in Ostagar's camp)

DREAM TRIP: The Arbor Wilds, just to see the trees...

NUMBER OF BLANKETS: 1-2

RANDOM FACT: Her dream house would be a really cool treehouse. She'd love to live there with Leliana 3 cats and 6 nugs far away from other people... Just them and the forest.

NAME: Fen'nas Mahariel

NICKNAME: Fen!

GENDER: Male (he/they)

HEIGHT: Tall for an elf, around Morrigan's height

ORIENTATION: Bisexual

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: Dalish! Was born in the Hinterlands

FAVORITE FRUIT: Berries! Favorite is probably blueberries or raspberries.

FAVORITE SEASON: Spring! He loves the flowers

FAVORITE FLOWER: He loves them all! Though loves Honeysuckle.

FAVORITE SCENT: Floral, Cedar and stronger scented herbs like rosemary and basil.

COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Chai for sure.

AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: You guys count? (probably like... 8-9, honestly he probably sleeps in a lot later than he should and stays up later than he should too)

DOGS OR CATS: Either! Doesn't have too much of opinion.

DREAM TRIP: Anywhere with Morrigan <3

NUMBER OF BLANKETS: 1

RANDOM FACT: He loves halla. He was really hoping that he'd one day get to be a caretaker for them. He loved to feed them and brush them whenever he wasn't off hunting or patrolling for the clan.

NAME: Alana Cousland

NICKNAME: Pup (her father is the only one allowed to call her that though) Rose (Alistair only)

GENDER: Female (she/her)

HEIGHT: Average?

ORIENTATION: Demi

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: Ferelden!

FAVORITE FRUIT: Oranges and Pears (not together... just... depending on her mood??? or what's in season?)

FAVORITE SEASON: Summer

FAVORITE FLOWER: Doesn't think much of flowers, honestly.

FAVORITE SCENT: Stables and gardens. Which I guess is to say manure but that doesn't sound like a good scent even though that's what it is... Earthy smells like that.

COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Coffee... with a lot of sugar and cream.

AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: 6

DOGS OR CATS: Dogs. 100% Man's best friend.

DREAM TRIP: Adventure off somewhere, anywhere. It doesn't matter... just away from Ferelden.

NUMBER OF BLANKETS: 3-4

RANDOM FACT: She would actively scare away suitors, much to her Mother's chagrin... She would be purposefully blunt and rude in social situations and tease people relentlessly until they left her alone. She used to see being married off as the most torturous future possible. She also dislikes dresses. And probably wears pants around the castle to everyone's horror.

NAME: Solan Aeducan

NICKNAME: Sol, Nug

GENDER: Female (they/she)

HEIGHT: Short? Considering she's a dwarf? But probably a normal height for them.

ORIENTATION: LESBIAN.

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: Orzammarian

FAVORITE FRUIT: Strawberries

FAVORITE SEASON: Any of them but Winter. She HATES the cold.

FAVORITE FLOWER: Orchid, though she's come to love most flowers, she didn't know there was quite so many of them just growing everywhere you looked.

FAVORITE SCENT: Steel, Fire, the smell of home, but also the smell of a clear night, and the expensive perfumes Leliana wears

COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Coffee. Black.

AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: 5 but she doesn't need that much.

DOGS OR CATS: Dogs

DREAM TRIP: The Deep Roads, she always dreamed of going deep and finding a new Thaig, finding long forgotten treasures and gold and being an adventurer finding lost places down in the deep.

NUMBER OF BLANKETS: All of them. Why is it so sodding cold on the surface??

RANDOM FACT: She loves the stars. It took a little bit to adjust but the stars were likely the first things she found truly beautiful about the surface after being cast out of her home. She loves finding constellations and learning the stories of them. She feels more connected to them than she ever did the Stone, though she would never admit it... except to Leli

NAME: Iris Tabris

NICKNAME: Petal, Little Flower

GENDER: Female (she/her) ((look at all this variety I have right?))

HEIGHT: Tall for an elf, average for a human

ORIENTATION: Asexual

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY: Ferelden Alienage elf!

FAVORITE FRUIT: Grapes, sweet ones

FAVORITE SEASON: Spring

FAVORITE FLOWER: Iris, it was her mother's favorite, which is why she was named after it.

FAVORITE SCENT: Floral scents, smell of fresh baked bread, cinnamon

COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Hot Chocolate with lots of whipped cream

AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: 7-8. Sleep is important.

DOGS OR CATS: Cats, generally dislikes dogs though her mabari hound is a very strong exception.

DREAM TRIP: To big cities in other countries, like in Orlais or Antiva... She would love to see what their architecture looks like.

NUMBER OF BLANKETS: 1, but only if it's very soft.

RANDOM FACT: Iris is really sensitive to textures and physical touch. It makes finding outfits a little difficult for her, considering Ferelden (probably) doesn't have a lot of great options in the way of textures, but because of that she got pretty good at making alterations to outfits. She is generally touch averse, though with permission, which Alistair is sure to always ask for, she's usually fine.

-----

blank meme:

NAME:

NICKNAME:

GENDER:

STAR SIGN: 

HEIGHT:

ORIENTATION:

NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY:

FAVORITE FRUIT:

FAVORITE SEASON:

FAVORITE FLOWER:

FAVORITE SCENT:

COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE:

AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP:

DOGS OR CATS:

DREAM TRIP:

NUMBER OF BLANKETS:

RANDOM FACT:

[theglamorousferal]

trying to figure out how narratively I want to continue with my current (heavily modded) sims 3 game.

Extremely rich family due to Tiberium spawner on property and selling through consignment. Starting with a hetero couple regardless of the fact that ANY gender can get pregnant in my game. Starting dude is named Dana and he is a himbo goth athlete. I'm talking HEAVY eyeliner, gauges and a spiked choker with black claw nails. Starting woman is a fairy named Kendra and someone who was going to business school and looked all put together but got drunk and married Dana after having been dating him for only four months, and both of them dropped out of college and pooled their savings and trust funds to buy and empty mansion. She's the one who discovered the tiberium and then they built up enough for them to finish their degrees online. She managed to by accident befriend a local celebrity and started to gain notoriety. She still hasn't finished her business degree, but she's realizing that what she really wants in life is a large family. Dana finished his degree, (he was a junior and her a sophomore) and joined as a trainer at the local stadium. He's now Starter and has carried his team to victory in every game since he joined the team! Together they acquired several businesses including the Stadium Dana works at and the Hospital.

They have currently 4 children. In birth-order it's Hamish, Peter, Alexandra, Theresa. In AGE order, it's Peter, Hamish, Alexandra, Theresa. So-far, Two children have turned their imaginary friends into sims, those being Hamish's IF Peaches, and Peter's IF Cosmo. Every child so far has an IF and I believe I have it set up that I could possibly have more than 8 sims in my game. So far they are just children, but the ships I see forming through interactions of the Current sims is as follows:

Peter is uninterested in anybody in the household. Is he ace? who knows, we may not find out until he's a teen. He is a genius and can't decide which skill to master and so has decided to master as many as he can. He will likely end up in the military or police force as he is brave and athletic.

Hamish and Peaches are going to end up dating. The night that Hamish turned Peaches into a sim, there was a unicorn at the science facility. This solidified his lifetime wish to befriend a unicorn. Peaches is inspired about the world he has been brought into and now has the lifetime wish of mastering the Painting and Photography skills. They are likely to end up just living off the family's savings and donating to good causes. Hamish I do plan to play piano, so I may have him go music career, we'll see.

Alexandra is the spoilt daughter. Her parents both wanted a daughter above all else and despite being born a fairy like both her brothers, has vowed to gain an alchemy skill high enough to make the potion to become a witch just like her dad. When Cosmo came around, they (the sim appeared very androgynus when they when from IF to sim so I decided they were amab enby) wandered around like a pale ghost through the halls. One night, Alexandra found them using her ballet stands and quietly joined them. She then started spending more time together, quietly and finally asked them about their day and now they both go to ballet club after school. Out of seemingly nowhere, Alexandra developed the lifetime wish to be a surgeon. Cosmo wished to be the top of the Acrobat career, and would bring in lots of money if they ended up on that.

Theresa has just been born and has the traits of loner and love the outdoors. I see her probably moving out.

I have to decide who I allow to stay in the family home and who I move out. OR do I move out all the kids, and only move one set back in if the original sims die? Who do I legacy? The mom wants to have at least one more kid as well.

[vampish-glamour]

the 'they're so beautiful' stuff does happen with men too, but usually (at least from my experience) either on guys with a slightly feminine accessory (even just black painted nails on goth guys lmao) or on literal gay pairs. like i've seen photos of two dudes just doing couple stuff (both looking unmistakingly like guys) and there will still be people calling one or both of them 'they'. wasn't just one time, i've seen this occasionally now. also with feminine guys too obviously. it's just sga and gnc people in general i think

You’re right. It happens especially with GNC people… because the enbies have managed to create the idea that if somebody is gender non conforming in any way, they’re “nonbinary presenting” or something. Because their whole damn movement lives off gender stereotypes.

So now when you see a guy with nail polish, it’s not “that’s a guy with nail polish”, it’s “they must be nonbinary”

I’m just so tired of it… and it’s honestly making me more hesitant to really tap into gender non conformity like I’ve been wanting to and building up the confidence to do. Because I know that as soon as I cross the line of “too masculine for a woman”, I’ll be seen as an enby.

[danielletinybruiser]

Two Years of Blue

It's been a bit since I updated here, since I suppose I mainly use my instagram account to talk about jiu jitsu. But hey, I have a few things to mull over, which tends to go better in writing, so here we are. Content warning for weight on this one.

I've been a blue belt for two years! And what a wild two years — I did change up my gym, and then, hey, there was this pandemic that ground the world to a halt (and is still doing so). I was very, very lucky, since I was able to train with Viki pretty much the whole time. We had access to mats, and were able to train, and they taught me a great deal: a lot of gi stuff, a ton of leg locks (I never went for them, or defended them well, until I basically just rolled with them for a year), and so much detail in passing and retaining guard.

Viki is a long, lanky blue belt, and I like to think I taught them a bit too. Maybe. 

But of course, even with rolling during lockdown and tons of other cross-training, it took me awhile — really, a few months — to feel a bit more in the groove with jiu jitsu again. We started going back to limited, vaxxed sessions starting in March, and slowly started going back to the gym normally as everyone else got vaxxed up. I'm finally going 3-4 days per week, consistently. This past week, I think I trained grappling every day aside from Wednesday. It's mid-July, which means it's taken me that whole time to feel like I'm getting there.

I'm also competing again in just under two weeks, which has (as it typically does) lit a little fire under me to get my shit together. Or attempt to!

One thing that did help, certainly, was doing a lot of cardio the whole time, and  focusing on getting that to a good place. All winter I did a lot of running, and yes, here it is... a lot of indoor cycling on a [cough, whisper] peleton. I know this makes me a bougie asshole. I know. But the workouts — on the bike and very much on the treadmill — are actually great. The running workouts with at least two of the coaches are appropriate for actual competitive runners. I've done workouts there that were extremely close to things I did as a competitive XC athlete in college. Back when I was actually fast. Fast-ish. I'm not fast anymore. Not even a tiny bit.

But my running is much improved, and the cycling has been an incredible, incredible base for me. I'm routinely doing longer or more challenging rides on non-BJJ days, and then often a shorter ride (or one of the functional strength routines) on days I roll at the gym. My whole thing with it is doing hard cardio when I'm already tired, so I get very used to pushing through. Endurance has never been my problem, but I know that I get slower physically — and, far worse, *super* discouraged mentally — when I get tired.

Doing this much cycling has had a hilarious and, uh, probably obvious side effect: I actually put on a little bit of muscle. I went into the whole Peleton thing thinking "yeah, I'll do cardio twice a day, and lose that stubborn couple of pounds that make competing at 125 dicey in like a month, easy!" and, HA. No. 

What I did get, though, are leg muscles that don't fatigue as fast. I have much more power and energy than I used to, and, hand-to-heart, I don't think I was in bad shape before. It's just... better now.

That took a couple of weeks to accept, I'll be honest. I felt pretty dumb: of fucking course spending... let's say 8 hours a week doing HIIT or climb rides on a bike would build muscle. I’d gain some weight from that, naturally. But now, I'm honestly thrilled to feel comfortable and much stronger at 135 anyway. 

That's where I was always going to be for grappling industries (where there's a 120 and a 135, nothing in between), and where there are 125 lb classes... it's honestly ok. I have a healthy diet, I stick to it rigorously (with the occasional cheat day, ofc), I do cardio almost every day, and I feel good. Will I be a little shortie in this weight class? Of course! But at least I feel like a stronger little shortie, and that's what counts.

As with all of this, let me be clear, I have no delusions of grandeur. This is an awesome hobby that I'm obsessed with! But I only want to compete to learn and get better and do it all on a pretty comfortable level. I'm probably never going to fuck with the open IBJJF tournaments, or anything like that. Give me a nice submission-only tournament for scrubs like me. (Honestly, I wish everything was just submission only. Forever.)

There are actual, legit athletes who use the baby tournaments for a tune-up, and young folks who may become legit athletes who are learning to compete and deal with pressure, probably just because this is NYC and there are world-class gyms here and all that. This 37-year-old goofy white bitch just wants to get as good as possible, given the obvious constraints. And enjoy myself.

To this end, my friends, coaches, and training partners deserve medals for dealing with me. Berto and Jaime (my friends and coaches) have been patiently leading me towards things I need to work on. Viki will roll with me and give me things I need to do based on our roll, and we'll drill them right then and there. And Caroline has been instrumental in me getting my head at least part of the way out of my ass, just going for things. For months, I was rolling, but just playing defense. Just talking to her about it helped, and now, every time we roll, I have that voice in my head telling me to go for things. It's helping.

I just hope I can keep that in mind in two weeks. I get nervous. Really, really nervous. I've competed... this might be nine times? This will be my third blue belt tournament, anyway, and it'll be the first since... January 2020. My head is usually so far up my ass — especially at first — that I will probably make some dumbass mistakes. But I'm working on accepting that I'll feel like an idiot and to just have fun with it and use it to LEARN and find some new things to work on. Embrace the doofus and enjoy.  

Gym Feelings

I also got very, very excited about my gym yesterday. Right before going to a (fantastic) Women/trans/non-binary folks Judo class taught by a really great woman black belt, I went on about how much I love my gym. How inclusive it is, and how, just *not a toxic MMA culture* place it is. I'm just going to copy a bunch of that thread here, just absolutely gushing about Chop and Chops:

Today, in a couple of hours, I'm going to a women/trans/nonbinary grappling class at my gym, taught by a woman Judo black belt. I'm PUMPED.

It's really important to me that my MMA gym is an inclusive, positive environment for me and for everyone. MMA -- and especially Jiu Jitsu -- does NOT need to be a place dominated by bros with awful politics and horrific tattoos. It can be for anyone to enjoy.

The door to my gym has a trans-inclusive rainbow flag on it. The brothers who run it make sure that all women, trans folks, enbies, and any GNC folks feels especially comfortable and have dependable training partners for each class, especially if they are new.

Here's another thing -- its' an MMA gym, there are plenty of cis dudes! But said dudes are respectful and gracious. I feel safe training with them BECAUSE of the atmosphere and attitude of the place, that's certainly not true everywhere.

One of my favorite training partners rn is a very, very sweet bigger white belt due who wrestled at a high level. If you've done BJJ, "bigger white belt who wrestled" is typically the scariest thing. But he is an absolute gentleman, doesn't just throw his weight around...

he is conscientious and I am learning SO MUCH from rolling with him. Again, in another atmosphere, I might be intimidated. In our gym, people learn to train hard but modulate and always respect their training partners.

I know I'm gushing at this point, lol. But I really can't overstate how much that atmosphere of respect and inclusivity is important and makes a massive difference. I'm a small queer woman, training there simply feels great to me, and that's everything.

That's the thread! I can't say enough good things about this place. It's also honestly a refuge for me, a place where I see my friends (where we all hug very aggressively for a couple hours, then chitchat). I guess it all comes down to this: I'm so, so lucky to be a part of this community. I want everyone in the world to have something they love, and amazing people to support them in it/enjoy it with them.

[katrinawritesthings]

jongtae/taekey; Taemin voice: hm.; nc-17

its Elle's birthday nd this is the most Elle energy fic I have ever written 

🐌 crop top jonghyun  

🐌 gremlin taemin  

🐌 queer Supreme key

🐌 horny giggly jongtae

🐌 grump/pest taekey

@taketaemtoyourleader here you go uwu

“Now, see, Kibs,” Jonghyun says. His arms come up heavy and snug on Taemin’s shoulders, hands playing with his hair. “You know I like you because you put up with this every day and you never come complain to me.”

“It’s ‘cause he’s got a crush on me,” Taemin says.

Taemin’s dick is in bliss, which means that he's in bliss, and he bites a lazy smile as he lifts his arms up to hold onto his headboard. He has soft fluffy pillows nestled under him, loud hard rock music playing around him, and Jonghyun above him, fucking himself perfectly up and down on his cock in time with the music. He’s hot and sweaty and his whole body feels fuzzy, blurry, floaty with the pleasure that thumps through his veins and tingles under his skin.

He rolls his hips up to meet Jonghyun each time he comes down, their skin slapping together almost loud enough to be heard over the music, their bodies perfectly in tune with each other. Jonghyun is all sweat and smiles as well. His grin is nice sharp teeth between nice plush lips, his nice soft light brown hair is wild and mussed on his forehead, his body is full of nice thick muscles flexing with each movement. The fuzzy lavender shoulderless crop top sweater that he showed up in is even more askew than before, so far down his right shoulder that Taemin can practically see half of his chest, but it still clings tight around his ribs so Taemin can see his pretty abs and each deep line between them.

Taemin lowers one hand back down to feel, to run his fingers over Jonghyun’s muscles before he just holds his waist tight to guide him even better on his cock. He wishes he could see Jonghyun’s cock, heavy and leaky, but it’s hiding underneath his cute pleated burgundy skirt. He feels like maybe if he fucked Jonghyun harder Jonghyun would want to jerk off, so he does just that, digging his heels into the mattress and driving his hips up to snap against Jonghyun’s, to fuck his cock in deeper and put more pressure on his prostate.

Almost immediately Jonghyun’s eyelids flutter, his breath catches, his fingernails dig into Taemin’s chest through his shirt. He licks his lips and looks back at Taemin again with a wide, lazy smirk, eyes little glimmers through his lashes.

“You’re so good, dude,” he says loud over the music. “You’re so--fucking good.” His breath caught again there because Taemin slipped his hand around to cop a feel of his booty under his skirt. Taemin grins back lazily, shaking his bangs out of his eyes.

“You too,” he pants. His confidence boosts a little, enough for him to want to flip them over and really show Jonghyun what he can do, to hold his legs up and fuck him wide open. That would probably let him see Jonghyun’s dick, too, so he makes the snap decision to do just that.

Well, try to, at least; as he props himself up on one arm and wraps the other snug around Jonghyun’s waist to prepare to roll them over, they’re interrupted by his dorm door opening.

“God, Taemin, what have I told you about the fucking music, you’re gonna--y’all.”

Kibum stops in the doorway, phone in one hand and backpack dangling out of the other, and just looks at the both of them, mouth an annoyed line. Taemin is suddenly grateful now that Jonghyun’s skirt is at least covering their sexy bits as Kibum closes the door behind him and finishes dumping his bag on the floor.

“Hi,” he says lazily, lifting a hand from Jonghyun’s waist to wave. On top of him, Jonghyun looks away from Kibum, grinning at the wall and very obviously fighting back giggles with slightly pinked cheeks. Cute.

“Okay,” Kibum says. “Ignoring, this,” he says, waving a vague hand at Jonghyun, “turn your fucking music down, you’re gonna get us in trouble with the RA again.”

“Ooh,” Jonghyun says, He pops back up brightly, smiling wide at Kibum and raising his hand high above his head. “That’s me!” he chirps. This time Taemin looks away to muffle his laugh as Kibum just looks at them and then closes his eyes to sigh loudly.

“That’s--what the fuck, Jonghyun,” Kibum says. Jonghyun’s hand comes back down to Taemin’s chest and he shrugs easily.

“Sex good,” he says. “But anyway--his music’s fine. I already had him turn it down. But I actually was gonna come over here anyway to talk to you.”

“Ha,” Taemin says loudly. Ha fucking ha. Finally Kibum’s getting in trouble for something. Up until now Taemin thought it was just him that Jonghyun came to reprimand, but apparently he was just a side note? Hell yeah. Oh how the turntables.

“What the fuck? Why, what did I do?” Kibum whines. Jonghyun holds up one finger and leans forward on top of Taemin to reach for his phone on the headboard. As he does so he pulls halfway off of Taemin’s cock, and then when he moves back he settles back down, sucking him in all the way, and Taemin closes his eyes and hums happily as he holds Jonghyun down in his lap and rolls his hips up just slightly. Nice. “Quit getting off right in front of me,” Kibum snaps. Taemin chooses to ignore him and start feeling up Jonghyun’s sweaty thighs where he can get at the soft patches of skin between his over-the-knee socks and skirt. Those also are nice.

“You,” Jonghyun says slowly, thumbing through his phone with one hand and drawing little lines on Taemin’s chest with the other. “Are bothering the girls in the all gender bathroom and making a mess with all of your makeup, apparently.” He looks up from his phone to Kibum, who’s scowling even more, a familiar expression of indignant fury on his face. Taemin lifts his brows blandly. Sounds fake to him.

“I--they’re--every fucking day, I’m just--and I never--but they always--”

“Now, now,” Jonghyun says, wiggling his finger in his best stern mother gesture. “I know you’re real clean in there and I know that this complaint is a thinly veiled sludge of queerphobia because they’re upset that you exist outside of the binary in what they think is their space even though it’s literally a gender neutral bathroom made for you and not for them and they can shove it up their asses,” he says. “But you know it’s still my job to come deliver the complaint and make them think I care.”

He tosses his phone into the sheets next to them and sits up a little straighter, rolls his hips just the tiniest amount on Taemin’s dick with a little wink, and looks back to Kibum, who looks significantly less angry and significantly more grumpy and pacified.

“And I mostly wanted to ask you if I could tell them off about the queerphobic thing or if you don’t want that kind of stress in your life and I should just lie and tell them that you promised to be a good enby and clean up more to get them off your back.” He shrugs simply. “I don’t wanna drag you into discourse if you don’t wanna be in it,” he says.

“Hey, that’s real thoughtful,” Taemin says. He reaches up to pinch Jonghyun’s soft cheek when Jonghyun smiles down at him with pleased crescent eyes.

“Thanks,” he says.

“I mean,” Kibum sighs. He runs his fingers through his hair and then sighs again, a big puff of air through his lips. “I’m guessing I can’t go yell at them myself?” he asks hopefully. Taemin snorts; Jonghyun grins apologetically and shakes his head.

“I’ve been doing so well at keeping this floor nice and calm and peaceful this semester,” he says. “I’m gonna get a raise if I keep it up.”

“Oh, well, we wouldn’t wanna interfere with that, would we,” Kibum mutters. Jonghyun pouts; Taemin sits up and wraps his arms around his waist protectively, frowning at his roommate.

“Be nice to him, he’s our mom,” he says. He’s their mom for the whole floor and he loves and supports them all so much.

“Do not,” Kibum says, one hand lifting only to chop back down through the air with each pause for emphasis. “Call him. Your mom. While. Your penis. Is. Inside of him.”

“Mommy,” Taemin grins, nuzzling into Jonghyun’s chest just to be a gremlin. He noses into the hem of Jonghyun’s sweater until he can push it down enough to reveal his nip and give it a tiny kiss. “Mommy, let me succ nourishment from your breast,” he murmurs into it.

“Now, see, Kibs,” Jonghyun says. His arms come up heavy and snug on Taemin’s shoulders, hands playing with his hair. “You know I like you because you put up with this every day and you never come complain to me.”

“It’s ‘cause he’s got a crush on me,” Taemin says.

“I do not,” Kibum snaps, and then, when Taemin opens his mouth to tell him that he does, cuts him off. “Whatever--I guess, just. I got a project to do this week. Tell them I said I’ll be cleaner and if they get whiny again later you can tell them to stop being queerphobes.”

“Got it,” Jonghyun chirps, giving him a sunny thumbs up. “Now, uh.” He looks down to Taemin, eyes hooded and mischievous as he slips one hand down to cup his chin for a tiny kiss before glancing back. “Do you want me to leave or can I finish up?” he asks Kibum. Taemin leans a little more forward to kiss softly against his jawline so in case Kibum does kick him out he can at least get a couple last smoochies in. He’ll be fine jerking himself off but this is his first interaction with Jonghyun that wasn’t just a quick doorway visit. He’ll be pouty to see him go.

“No, you two can.” Kibum waves a vague hand at them again. Taemin brightens up happily. Hell yeah. “I was gonna go get a smoothie anyway.”

“Ooh,” Taemin says, even brighter. Hell fucking yeah. He takes the hand from Jonghyun’s booty to grab the wallet on his headboard and then chuck it at Kibum.

“I didn’t offer, but, sure,” Kibum says, catching it. He opens it and pulls out a five. “What do you want?” he asks as he tosses it back. Taemin makes no move to catch it and it falls somewhere on the bed that he’ll find later maybe probably.

“You already know my usual because you have a crush on me,” he says.

“I don’t have a crush on you,” Kibum snaps. The glare he gives Taemin could melt ice, but Taemin just grins broadly back.

“Why are you blushing then?” he asks. His eyes flick down to the pink flush coming up Kibum’s neck just to make sure that Kibum sees that he sees. The pink rises even higher as Kibum’s scowl grows.

“I’m gonna go to the pet store and buy you a dog biscuit and tell you it’s human food when I get back,” he grumbles, and he turns around and walks out without a glance back, mumbling under his breath. Taemin smiles fondly at his back until the door closes behind him. He’s so cute. They’re gonna be good boyfriends when Kibum finally admits that he has a crush.

“Anyway,” he says, turning back to Jonghyun. Jonghyun cocks a brow at him, looking amused yet also like he doesn’t want to bother digging into their business. Taemin presses a soft kiss to his bottom lip and slides his hands up his thighs. “Where were we?” he asks. It’s a rhetorical question, because he knows full well that his dick is still inside of Jonghyun’s booty, hard and throbby and eager to get back to the fricking. Jonghyun still giggles and pushes his hair out of his eyes.

“I think it was somewhere around, ‘You’re so good Taemin, fuck, you’re so fucking good,” he says thoughtfully.

“Ahh, of course,” Taemin grins. So they're on the same page. “Then let’s--” He gets one arm around Jonghyun’s waist again, pushes off of the bed with the other, and flips them over quickly, setting Jonghyun down against his pillows and smiling at his surprised squeak and loud laugh. Miraculously, he kept his dick in there too, and he’s real proud of himself as he pushes Jonghyun’s legs apart while he laughs into his hands.

Flipping Jonghyun’s cute skirt up too, he bites his lip when he can finally get the full picture. Jonghyun’s ween has softened slightly, probably from that whole conversation they all just had, but Taemin’s not worried. He can fix that quick enough. It’s still real cute and real hot. He leans down when Jonghyun tugs at his shoulder and accepts his messy kiss, rolling his hips slowly against Jonghyun to get readjusted and back in the mood.

“Let’s keep going,” he finishes. Jonghyun smiles wide against his mouth, one leg hooking around his hips.

“Please do,” he says, so Taemin does.

[m41z13m1n3cr4ft]

damn shawty whoooaaaaaa

pairing?: tommyinnit and original enby oc. not romantic

genre: kinda fluffy, kinda comedy, a wee bit angsty with tommy

trigger warnings: tommy gets in his own thoughts and does a mini brain spiral, not too intense though and i dont think anything else happens so. :} but lemme know!

timeline may be off i ouuhguhgohg listen. im tryin my best BLSKDBF

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It was a hot summer’s day, the sun beating down on Bimbeez’s back. They’d traded their striped sweater and jeans for a white tank top and shorts, they’d been expecting to be working hard that day. Yesterday, Tommy and them had agreed that, despite how much they didn’t want to, they’d go grinding for wood the next day. And now there they both were, chopping and swinging away at the oak trees near the Pogtopia base.

It’d been a couple of hours already and while they both had gathered a significant amount of logs, they still had a long, long way to go. Tommy flopped down against one of the logs they’d yet to drag back to base. He ran a hand across his forehead, slick with sweat and grime. “Beez, we outta stop for a bit.” Bimbeez nodded silently, taking their place next to Tommy. “Too fuckin’ hot to be workin’ like this.”

“You got that right.” Bimbeez let out a groan, spreading their limbs out over the tree and through the soft grass. “Can’t believe we got stuck with this, this sucks.” They used the bottom of their tank top to wipe away the work from their face, hoping to get mostly clean. They took off their heart-shaped glasses, once again using the fabric of their shirt to wipe them clean. Their stark black eyes shimmered with the light reflected off the tinted shades, making the light on their face a bright pink.

“We should get someone else to do it for-” Tommy stopped, his mouth curling into a mischievous grin. “Beez, what if we kidnap someone to do it?”

“Tommy, that’s terrible!! No way.” They placed the glasses back onto their face, breaking into nervous laughter from his suggestion.

“No, c’mon Beez, listen! We’ll take someone, and use them to grind for wood! We’ll take their stuff hostage”

“Tommy, no! We aren’t kidnapping anyone. Plus, Wilbur would, like, kill us.”

“Pfft, what?? Beez, no he wouldn’t, Wil- He’d get it, he’d understand, right?” Tommy tried to stop the peels of laughter that poured from his mouth. He’d turned to Bimbeez at this point and was nudging their arm.

“No he wouldn’t, dude! He wants you to lay low, you’re exiled.” They huffed along playfully. Their tone grew more serious, though. “I mean, if Schlatt found out you’d kidnapped a L’ma- … Manbergian citizen, then…”

Tommy rolled his eyes, clearly NOT having it. “Beez, Schlatt’s a bitch, alright? He- he couldn’t take us if he tried.” He struggled to get the words out, too excited about his new idea.

“Tommy I’m not kidnapping someone with you, I’d be killed.” They shook their head and rested back against the log. The fatigue of their afternoon was starting to settle in their limbs, though, and the idea of someone else taking over for them sounded pretty appealing… No, they decided, it wouldn’t happen. One, there was no way it would work, and two, Schlatt finding out about their involvement would mean exile, or worse. They couldn’t risk it.

Tommy had continued blabbing about his hostage plan when Bimbeez noticed something far off in the woods. They leaned forward, squinted, tried to make out the figure, and they gasped. “TOMMY look!!” Their yell turned quickly to a harsh whisper, as to not scare away the figure. They pointed over to it and bounced where they sat. “It’s a caaat!! Yooo it’s a calico she’s so pretty holy shit.” They spoke quicker, starting to flap their hands.

Tommy, excited now by Bimbeez enthusiasm, also started to flap along with them, beaming. Finally, something fun to do. “Ohhh shit!! Wait, you got fish on you, right?”

“Uhhh. No.” Beez grimaced, thinking. “Wait okay. Okay. Keep an eye on her, okay? I’ll be right back-” They sprang up and started towards the river near the base. Hopefully, they’d find a salmon in there and bring it to the cat. Tommy didn’t even get the chance to object before they were already jumping into the river, their squeals and laughter heard all the way from where Tommy sat. Well, so much for doing something fun.

He sat restlessly, staring hard at the cat sitting so far away. Everytime she moved he tensed himself, ready to get up and give chase, but she never moved. He overheard the splashing of Beez in the river, and their occasional cry of frustration as they worked to catch some fish. Whatever… 

He thought back to what Bimbeez had said before. About Schlatt. He guessed he was lucky to have loyal friends like Tubbo and Bimbeez, friends who’d go against the President’s wishes just to spend some time together. But something felt wrong, really wrong. They were endangering themselves. For him. Well, also for Techno and Wilbur, but they weren’t really around whenever Tubbo, Beez and him went on “adventures.” Bimbeez even said they were kinda glad that Wilbur and Techno weren’t there to bother them while they worked, something he hadn’t noted at first. What if something happened to them? Because of him? He hugged his legs close to his chest, bouncing a foot against the ground. The cat still hadn’t moved. He wondered as to how she’d gotten all the way out here. Unless there was a village or a swamp nearby, there was no reason the cat should be out in an oak forest…. Maybe she was all alone. She’d gotten lost, she’d gotten… shunned away. Maybe she was like him. Exiled. Separated from their friends. Lonely. He sighed out, sprawling out against the wall. At least he had a family. The poor kitty had nothing. Or maybe he was wrong. Maybe it was just a kitty, who didn’t feel alone or upset or abandoned. He envied that mindset. If his thoughts would just stop racing like that…

“Tommy I’m back!!” Bimbeez stamped up to the blonde boy from behind, releasing a handful of slimy, still squirming fish into their original seat.

“DUDE WHAT THE FUCK DON’T TOUCH ME!! WHAT THE- THEY’RE SLIMY!!!” Tommy yelled, torn from his thoughts. Thank God for the distraction. Bimbeez hopped over to Tommy’s side of the long, grabbing one of the fish and spearing it with their sword. They continued this process, ensuring that all of the fish had stopped moving.

“Okay, here’s the plan. You sneak around behind the cat, and I try to take her from the front. You catch her if she tries to run off, got it?” Tommy nodded, a wide grin lined on his lips. “Cool cool! Here, take some of these.” They handed half the fish they’d caught to Tommy, who fake gagged as he took them. “Just in case she escapes.” Bimbeez stood up, crouched to a lower level. Tommy copied the action. Then silently, as if in some great escape, they creeped towards the cat.

Tommy made sure to diverge from Bimbeez’s path, crossing behind a tree and around another, until he was finally behind the cat. Beez was slowly making their way over to the kitty, a decapitated salmon held in their outstretched hands. They whispered and cooed to the cat, hoping to gain her trust. The cat stared at Bimbeez, wide-eyed. She looked ready to bound away at any moment. Bimbeez, once she was only a few feet away from the cat, set the fish down on the ground. “Here kitty, kitty, eat up.” Their voice was a couple octaves higher, they spoke to the cat as if she were a baby. The kitty, still suspicious, creeped a little closer to the fish. Beez looked up to Tommy, beaming proudly, and Tommy gave them a thumbs up back. The cat sniffed at the fish, took the tail into its mouth - and dashed away.

“GET HER!!” Tommy lept after the cat, his long legs aiding him in chasing the kitty. Bimbeez followed soon after. They bounded and weaved through tree roots and rocks and hilly structures, trying their best to keep the cat in sight. But they were no match for the cat. Their previous exhaustion hadn’t left them, hadn’t freed them from its burning grasp, and they were falling fast. Beez was the first to collapse, tripping over a twisted root and completely eating shit. They lay on the ground, too weak to stand, and they called out to Tommy to keep going. He didn’t acknowledge, just kept running. Shortly after, they heard an “oh fuck” and a loud thud. They’d lost the race, and now the cat was gone.

Bimbeez sighed out, solemn from the loss. Somehow, they managed to tug themselves off the grass bed beneath them and make their way over to Tommy. They plopped beside the boy, who still laid on his side from when he’d fallen. “Damn it.” They panted every other word. “We lost her. Jesus, that sucks.” Tommy did nothing but nod in response, completely defeated for all of two seconds. The two sat for a while in silence, trying to catch their breaths and regain the strength to stand.

That is, until they heard movement in the grass. Beez peered up from their moping and let out a small gasp. The calico had returned, padding softly over to the two. Beez was stunned. The kitty sat close to Bimbeez, her tail flicking from side to side. She mewled and Bimbeez covered their mouth with their hands. The meow caused Tommy to look, who gasped upon seeing the cat again. “Holy shit, there she is!!” He tried to keep his voice to a whisper but he just couldn’t contain his excitement. Beez grabbed a fish out from their inventory and handed it to the kitty, shocked into silence. She took the fish from Bimbeez’s hands and began to eat. Beez, taking a leap of faith, stretched their hand out and started to delicately pet the calico. She tensed, stopped her eating at first, then she relaxed and let Beez pet her. Beez sighed out, the happiest they’d been in a while.

“Hi kitty… Let’s get you back to the base, huh?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They’d set the calico up on a new bed Bimbeez made just for her. Beez was sitting right by the bed, watching the cat snooze off her meal, despite them desperately needing a bath. Tommy sat behind them, converting half of the wood into planks. He couldn’t get the thoughts out of his head. About Tubbo, Bimbeez, Schlatt… He had to ask, just to get a sense of clarity for himself. “Hey, Beez?” Beez sat up with a hum and looked over at him. “Why do you come out to see me?”

Beez gave a huffy laugh in response. “Well, ‘cuz I think you’re cool, duh.”

“Well I get that, I just-” Tommy paused. He needed a moment to collect his jumbled thoughts. “-I mean, why do you risk so much just to see me?”

This made the enby pause and reflect a little. “Hm. Well, I think that’s pretty obvious too! I like you a lot. I like seein’ you and hangin’ out, I don’t care enough about the law to let it stop me.”

“I’m just so scared,” Tommy regretted the words the second they left his mouth, but it was too late to take them back. He continued. “I mean, if something were to happen to you two… It’d be my fault, right?”

Beez’s mood softened. They curled their legs up to their chest, staying silent for a moment. “Not really. Like, it kinda would be our fault. We were the ones sneakin’ out, you know?”

“But you wouldn’t be sneaking out if it weren’t for me!”

“Tommy, it’s okay, I promise!” Beez sat up a little and held out their hands to the other teen. “I wouldn’t come out here if I was that worried about it. I promise, we’ll be okay. Me and Tubbo.

Tommy couldn’t say anything in return. He wanted to believe them, he wanted to so badly, but he had a terrible gut feeling about all of this. But when he looked at Beez, he saw total confidence in their face, something he wasn’t used to seeing. With a hesitant sigh, he took Beez out-stretched hands. They smiled at him and squeezed gently on his digits. “It’ll be okay. We can fend for ourselves.”

“I know.” Tommy closed his eyes and tried to come to terms with everything once again. He felt someone ruffle his hair and he shooed them away, opening an eye and expecting to see Bimbeez looming over him. But it wasn’t.

“What are you two doing in here?” Wilbur went to his side of the dugout cave home, popping open a chest. “I thought I told you to collect wood.”

“We did,” Bimbeez beamed, and gestured behind them. “We got distracted though.” The cat had woken up by now and was making herself busy, cleaning her back. Wilbur nodded to the cat, humming to acknowledge it. He quickly returned to his work, though. Beez sighed, rolling their eyes. “Disappointing reaction, but that’s fine. We haven’t named her yet, I thought we could all name her together.”

“Well, I’m not gonna be here long, so it’ll be up to you and Tommy.” Wilbur closed the chest, adjusting himself and heading out. Both teens sat in empty silence for a bit. God, this sucked.

“Okay, whatever, forget him.” Beez laid a gentle hand on the kitty and pet her. “We’ll just name her ourselves.” 

“Her name is Shawty.” A cackle came out of Beez mouth. They shook their head.

“No no no, Shawty- Shwawty’s good-”

“SHWAWTY???”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HELLO?”

“YOU SAID SHWAWTY YOU FUCKIN’ IDIOT, OH MY GOD-”

“I DIDN’T!! I SAID SHAWTY YOU KNOW I MEANT SHAWTY-”

The two argued back and forth at increasing volume, interrupting each other and thoroughly pissing each other off. At some point, Beez tried to play-tackle Tommy but was thrown off by number one, his surprising strength for a string bean, and number two, his push that drove Beez away. They took this as a challenge, jumping in for another tackle. The two were full on play fighting, laughing and pulling at each other’s hair and screaming the whole way along. The awkward, dead air of Wilbur’s appearance was gone now, replaced by nothing but unrestrained fun.

Tommy was the first to give. Although a tough fighter, he couldn’t stand up to Beez’s superior bulk over him. They both just flopped to the ground in a heaping pile. The sun was just now beginning to set: setting the sky with orange, pinks, purples, beautiful palettes. It had been a bit of an odd day, but nothing couldn’t be made better with friends, right? That’s how Tommy felt anyways. In this moment, lying on the floor with one of his best friends, he couldn’t have felt more happy.

“Hey, Tommy?”

“Yeah, Beez?”

Beez looked at him, and grinned with glee. “Let’s name her Shawty.”

Tommy grinned back. “Shawty it is.”

A/N: have a good day :] ALSO THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE TOMMY RELEVENT MOMENTS SO. :( we’re coping bro

[tumblunni]

Also yeah while im on the subject

I really hate fantasy settings where magic is limited by biological sex. Because usually its used to enforce some sort of stupid gender stereotype that the writer believes is "biologically innate" rather than predjudice, by making up a world where it actually is biologically innate. Or its like "oh but women cant do those jobs" but again, a made up excuse for it to be LITERALLY TRUE. And usually they either dont even touch on the subject of trans and gay people (since it often conflates heterosexuality with gender...) or else it actually does bring it up and just creates a cavalcade of even more everything-ism...

Like i mean i love the game Jade Coccoon and considering it came out in the early 2000s i can understand it being more sexist, and its supossed to be a dark game anyway and a lot of the societal structures in Syrus Village are meant to be wrong and evil even if the characters act like its the way the world should be. The villain of the game is basically the toxic atmosphere of your shitty town and their paranoia of things they don't understand. Tho that means the player kinda has no motivation to finish it cos the main conflict is also saving those same villagers from dying and theyre all fucks. Anyway i'm going offtopic! What i mena is that i dont think it was a particularly sexist example of the inexplicable gender segregated magic trope. But just cos its a fave game of mine im gonna pick it to talk about anyway. Hope i dont sound too negative on it, cos seriously i love it loads!

Ok so to use Jade Cocoon as an example, here its a thing that only men can be cocoon masters and only women can be nagi. Tho it also gets a bit complicated because nagi is also an ethnicity as well? Its kinda like being romani, they're a race of displaced people who travel the world giving their magical services to other countries while searching for their lost homeland, which you end up finding at the end of the game. So yeah its extra weird cos male children of the nagi race are born with no powers whatsoever and cant even become cocoon masters, yet they get the ruling position in this homeland place? Like thats a better metaphor for how christian societies work, honestly!

Anyway im going offtopic again!

Basically, cocoon master = adventurer dude who catches monsters, nagi = magician who purifies those monsters so you can use them in battle. So when you catch stuff it becomes an inventory item rather than being able to use it on your team right away. And also nagi women can fuse monsters together to make super badass new ones and basically the gameplay system works really well to make you believe your wife is absolutely necessary to your quest and you would die without her, even if she cant fight. And honestly its actually kinda romantic! I just wish it wasnt presented as this weird sacred heterosexuality arranged marriage nonsense where all women are physically unable to go to a dungeon and all men are physically unable to not fight every day. Or at least thats how the powers work and if you try and step out of that role you fuckin die. Like it would be romantic to have a couple of a battle partner and a supporter magician if they actually chose it, yknow?

And whats annoying is that they actually do bring up the subject of people defying gender roles and canonically state that you not omly die but bring a curse upon everyone and are hated forever. They dont mention trans or gay people, instead the excuse is that a man loved his wife so much that he tried to learn nagi magic to lift the burden from her. Cos oh yeaj women get 'punished' by god for doing this magic?? Cursed tattoos all over their body the more they use it, and everyone hates them and eventually they turn into a fairy and forget they were ever human. And in the japanese version you can actually fight other nagi women who met this fate, theyre just another monster that you can fight and capture. They were censored in english cos they looked like really racist stereotypes of black women! Ugh! So yeah anyway nice straight husband is punished by the magic straightness enforcing rules of the universe for loving his straight wife too much. So what is the even point? If a man tries to use nagi magic it creates the "black cocoon" of cursed doomness and blah. Literal punishment for not conforming to gender. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Anyway this setting always made me wonder about all the stuff it just glosses over with this implication that every one of these relationships worked out fine. Like even before we rub lgbtq topics all over a retro videogame, there's a lot of logical holes! Like seriously how many of these arranged marriages ended up loveless or abusive? How many women just didnt want to stay confined to one room forever and not even have anyone look at them because their magic markings are shameful yet its also shameful not to want to do it?? How many men were terrified of going out on this advebture fighting literal demigods sent by heaven to punish humans? How many of them just had no ability to fight and died immediately because of shitty traditions, while perfectly qualified women had to sit there and watch it happen? What if there werent enough straight men and women of the same age and people were forced into gross pedophilic shit or other horror scenarios just cos there has to be this one magical straight couple or the village dies? Whenever theres this stupid gender magic its ALWAYS portrayed as idyllic and never failing ever, unless *gasp* people dont follow the gendrules...

And then SERIOUSLY do no queer people exist in this universe?? Man i'd be so interested in their stories! I actually had an oc idea of a self insert version of me as a travelling merchant. Because maybe what if nonbinary people could do both sides of the magic at once and thus adventure alone without being tied to a village's straight marriage system? So i'd just go around purifying monsters and then be a place you could buy new and rare mons from other villages without having to catch them. Maybe an easier way to get the super rare drop fusion materials for tiger pattern and stuff? And like seriously itd be good to have a character to talk to who agrees that your village is made of assholes. I cant say its bad writing cos it was clearly intentional, but they shoulda at least put a bit more incentive to keep playing even if you didnt care about these people. Also it would help plug the plothole of how a village even survives if it doesnt have the required people to form this magical straight marriage. Have some mysterious enby avengers who travel all across the world and save everyone regardless of country! All we ask is you buy some of our lovely souveniers! Maybe a pet patalchu for your family? Seripusly why dont they ever show anyone using the purified monsters for anything other than fighting the unpurified ones? You'd think they'd be really useful in repairing the village and guarding the walls and like..regular industrial jobs. Help the place actually advance and not have to live day to day on scraps,bickering amoungst themselves as the monsters grow ever closer to breaking through. Hell, you could even have them help spin the cocoons for other monsters! If this magic only depends on having a dick or not, then cant we just dress up some animals in the magic straight marriage outfits? XD

And like aaaa man im getting so emotional just imagining a trans woman who's constabtly told she will literally bring about the apocolypse if she tries to fill the female role in this ritual. And then one day she tries to spin the magic silk and she thinks she's committing the ultimate sin and they were all right. But the magic responds to her touch, and she makes a spell more beautiful than any other woman in the village! It would probably be harder for a trans man cos the magic doesnt have so much of an immediate proof like that. Just going out and winning a fight with a monster can be called "dumb luck", and knowing these assholes they'd probably keep calling it dumb luck even after the thousandth time you save their life!

And man, i wonder how gay relationships would work in such an annoyingly strict system of enforced heterosexuality? Would it be like the magic isnt REALLY gender locked at all, and it can just be any couple with either partner taking either role? Or would it be that it is one magic per gender but the bigoted villagers were wrong about it being impossible to do things without both? Like maybe when you're going into battle alone as a single cocoon master you cant fight without catching other monsters. But when two cocoon masters love each other their magic is amplified and they become able to like.. I dunno.. Imbue each other with elemental strength so they can fight the monsters hand to hand? Cos really the elemental system is the only reason you cant do a no monsters run of the game as it is. Maybe since they cant purify monsters but they can still catch them, they equip the monsters as sort of a power rangers transformation? Or socket them like materia on their weapons? Or just if the world was less segregated into tiny sexist racist villages they could simply buy the purification coccoons from another local nagi, and villages without a coccoon master could buy the services of travelling ones. Oh, and maybe two nagi lesbians could be even more badass! Cos if they can only purify and not fight, maybe their double purification is so strong that they can just straight up walk into the forest and monsters don't attack them. They dont even need to do the full spell, they can calm a beastie's rage just by holding out their hand and patting it on the head. So they coukd be infinately more effective and not have to just tenporarily clear single travelling routes of a few monsters, but actually work towards slowly purifying the entire forest and creating a peaceful land again. Tho i mean the game did have a unique atmosphere with the whole 'no hope of ever beating them' aspect. It was unique to see a society formed around the idea of never going into forests or you Die. But magical lesbians and their family of a million pet dragons is honestly better!

And uhhhh ive gone all offtopic now and i camt stop thinking about how much i love magical lesbians with a million pet dragons

The End

[dead-inside-pt2]

This just makes me wanna write a dystopian soulmates au where every soulmate is regulated by some overruling government

(please keep reading i promise it's better than it sound)

Alright so theres this aroace dude who absolutely hates the idea of having a soulmate (ik boring, uncreative- give me a second will ya?)

He's at a coffee shop (jeez kai can you get anymore cliche?) And all of a sudden this person plops down at his table and goes 'hey i didn't really meet you but i think we're soulmates'

he looks down at his mark, string, fucking bee sting idk whatever. It's glowing or something un-normal

In his head he's like fuck because now the government knows he's met his soulmate and they have to at least be friends or else... well we don't talk about that .

So anyways they do hang out (sorry again cliche i promise just stick with me) They're mostly just acquaintances but both share a deep disliking for the government and their soulmate system.

He learns their name and that they're a nonbinary lesbian (wow projecting much)

Anyways riots start building up against the government, more and more people fighting against the oppression and the tension within the country is running high.

The guy comes up with a plan, he's going to destroy whatever system is in place and he knows exactly who to go too- the one person he knows is just as chaotic and government hating as he is-

his supposed 'soulmate'

So they go on this huge adventure throughout a series of tunnels filled with high tech equipment which are continually matching people with their 'perfect' partner

They eventually make it to the centre console after a fuck load of close calls and maybe a bit of fighting robots (preferably dragon shaped, im ace and enby wtf do you expect kyle)

The console is huge, a center screen surrounded by wires and an endless lists of names displayed on the screen, some even recognizable

'What do we do now' They Spoke

'Well i don't know you're the tech expert' He glanced over at them

"I took one class in high school'

He glared at them once more

'Okay so maybe I took a few in college... and a couple online courses but I've only broke into the banks systems once, twice... okay fine a lot, you got me now move over you idiot'

They're entering in a few lines of code when the door bursts open, robot drago- i mean just robots, no dragon robots in sight- well maybe just one, no? fine

Anyways their rushing this code while the guys throwing chairs at the robots- i mean really he's just a regular dude how tf does someone fend off an army of robots sent to kill you?

That is until he finds a way- water, this may be an advance society but a janitors left over mop bucket can do a lot.

So he's finished dowsing these robots in soapy water as the person finishes up with the code when a giant fucking mechanical monster enters the room.

terror paralysis them both until the head pops off and two girls look over the edge 'You already did it?'

'Uh yeah?' he responds

'I could use some help finishing up though' they speak

'Sure thing sugar'

Alright this is getting long so they finish up while the guy and the other girl talk, they become pretty good friends, talked about DnD a lot

Afterwords they go to Olive Garden and watch the government fall from their seats as they ate breadsticks

(Btw The guy and the other girl become DnD partners and The person and the girl get married)

(Oh also other girl and the girl are sisters, they just really hated soulmates ever since a young age)

Hope this made sense i haven't planned this out in the slightest i could make this a little bit better but it's mostly just an outline of an idea i had. uhhh hope you like it- i thought the fact that it was another one of humans stupid ideas a lot more appealing then the universe doing it

I also really like anarchy if you couldn't tell

Please rant

hello! hi! anon! I assume this is about the soulmates thing i just posted and RANT I SHALL

(also @samatedeansbroccoli asked: I'd love to hear your 10 hour rant about soulmates. It used to be my favorite trope until the past recent years when I just don't find myself invested in it. I'm answering that here, with anon's ask.)

SO

1) It's unoriginal. Yeah, everything is unoriginal, but soulmates seems to be especially repetitive. OooOOooooOOOH, they're SOULMATES, but I wonder if they're going to work as a couple???????? gasp, they DID!!! I have never once read something with soulmates that actually made me worry in any capacity for the relationship. To me, soulmates feels like an incredibly lazy cop-out so the author doesn't have to develop the romance any more than they feel like it, because it's already ~fate~.

2) It's arophobic. As an aroace, romantic soulmates leaves no room for me. I literally do not feel romantic attraction. Soulmates as a trope erases me and other people like me from existence entirely, or implies we're broken. As someone who's been told dozens of times that I'm sad, weird, lying, immature, dumb, or worth pitying because I don't want romance and don't feel that attraction, I'm really fucking tired of soulmates waltzing in with it's "EVERYONE has this and if you don't youre BROKEN" shit. Even stories where it's just these 2 specific people are soulmates have arophobic undertones, because they always imply that this relationship is Better and More Pure than any other relationship in existence.

3) Even "platonic soulmates" are arophobic. Any world where soulmates are something *everyone has* (which is, like, most soulmates stories) is inherently erasing at least certain aros. A lot of us are non-partnering! Those of us who are don't want a partner, full stop, and are inherently erased by platonic soulmates, too, because that world implies that if your partner isn't romantic, they're platonic.

4) It creates such a stifling world. Any world where you're inherently going to have a partner just seems so... sad? There's no room for being your own person, it's all about who else you're supposed to end up with. It's not about you, the artist or you, the adventurer or you, the person who smiles so big. It's about you, XYZ's soulmate.

5) Like I said, it's sad, and that's never explored right, because people don't see it that way. But to expand: in a world with soulmates, you are not whole. You are inherently less when you aren't partnered up. You're not enough; you're nothing but half a soul, waiting for another entire person to make you actually worth a whole. You rely on other people to be worthy. Is this not extremely depressing to anyone else??? And yet, in the story, soulmates are always seen as something wonderful and amazing.

6) IT COULD BE GOOD IF PEOPLE LET GO OF THEIR GODDAMN AMATONORMATIVE "SOULMATES ARE AMAZING". Where's soulmates as a tragedy, people never being seen as good enough or whole because they don't have their "other half"? Where's soulmates as a horror story, being forced by society and your own conscience into a relationship you don't want, or you're afraid of, or you actively hate? Where's soulmates as a rejection, saying, I will be happy by myself or I will be happy with someone I *chose*; in general, just an I will be happy on my own terms? Where's soulmates as an examination of society, something asking why we hold partners--especially romantic ones--so high on a pedestal? Where is soulmates doing anything new, exploring any of it's possibilities?

TLDR: Soulmates are overdone, arophobic, lazy, sad but not seen as that, and have every single good aspect of them completely ignored in favour of "they're in love because the universe said so <3", and I'm so incredibly tired of them as they are being treated as even remotely good.

[ineffablefool]

Hey Jack,

I....have a hard question I would very much love your thoughts on. I've gotten so much out of reading your writings.

I'm trans-masc but I seem to be in possession of a body that puts any extra me in verrrry feminine-coded places.

I'm stuck between a rock, a hard place and a sea of ick. The rock is not wanting to be fat-phobic and devalue human bodies of a y size, the hard place is not wanting to be transphobic and say trans people don't have the right be sad & take measures to change how their body looks to match their gender ID and the sea of ick is the idea that adipose tissue being on my hips instead of around my stomach means anything at all.

My body looks so feminine I cannot imagine it is mine. Sometimes I think that it does look like a very nice body, but why am *I* in it? This must be a filing error.

Oh, anon. I wish I had the answer to this one, because I could also kind of use it myself.

I don't... really have anything to say about the rock. You are correct 100% yay good job on not wanting to devalue bodies of any particular size or shape. That by itself is great.

The hard part -- I don't think it's mutually exclusive to say that you do not need to change your body's size, but you would like to change the gender-coded portions of its shape. For one thing, you are playing by society's rules here, just like most of us are (some people have completely opted out and that is good too), which means that, generally speaking, to be treated as a masc-leaning individual, you have to "look like" a masc-leaning individual, and someone who wasn't you decided what that meant. You didn't choose any of this stuff, you didn't choose to have everyone be so hung up on it (or to have your own brain be stewed in it your whole life!), but you (and I, and many other trans, enby and/or gnc people) are stuck with it. That means there are choices that boil down to "how many feminine-coded details could I leave in place if I wanted to (or if I couldn't change them), and still be seen as/feel like I am overall masculine?" And everyone gets to decide for themselves whether the genderedness of their body shape is something they are okay with, or something that they would like to change or downplay.

Granted, I still don't recommend weight loss for this purpose or for any other, since there are no well-formed peer-reviewed scientific studies at all ever that show that more than a few people can safely keep more than a little weight off for more than a couple years (and in fact they are likely to end up fatter, which just makes the "problem" worse) (I have dared naysayers to produce a study saying otherwise; no one ever has. One time someone tried to gotcha me with a study whose Results section agreed with me, which was hilarious).

But aha!, someone might say. Mister Jack N F Ibblefool, if that is your real name (it's not), what's the difference between a trans person making bodily changes and a fat person losing weight?

To which I say. Well. Nobody has ever gotten top surgery and had the things grow back, y'know? Nobody has ever gotten gender-affirming facial reconstruction and had it revert. Not all changes from T are permanent, but the ones that are, are... well... permanent. There are dozens of things that signal to people that we are of a particular gender, from haircut to walking style to voice intonation to bodily shape to what kind of a shirt you're wearing today, and as far as I am aware, there are no studies showing that in the vast majority of cases, all of these will revert in five years max.

Changing perceived markers of gender is often permanent, and even the temporary ones are generally not statistically-speaking nigh-impossible to maintain. Changing weight is, again, statistically speaking (inb4 someone wants to talk about how their aunt and their cousin and their friend all lost weight on this one diet, because your three pals do not trump decades of science), extremely temporary, and is more likely to end up the opposite of what the person was intending in the end.

So that's the difference between a trans person making bodily changes and a fat person losing weight.

(That was very long, anon, and I apologize for making your answer the place where I dump that series of thoughts. But it is at least a little bit relevant I think.)

And the sea of ick -- this gets back to the rules that someone else decided by and now we're surrounded by people playing them. The locations where the squishy bits go should not have nearly so much bearing on how we get gendered (including by ourselves), but they do. And it sucks. I think it's getting better even since I was in high school -- we definitely had no out trans kids in a student body of ~2000 at the end of last century, but now they're popping up all over and cis people are being forced to recognize that maybe their two neat little set-it-and-forget-it boxes are not actually the entirety of human existence and that is good -- but we're still stuck at "hips equals gorl" most of the time. I hate it. I don't know what to do about it.

See, like I said at the top, I really don't have a good answer. You get to pick what you do with your body, because it's your body. If you have the means and opportunity to talk to an experienced gender therapist, this might make a good motive, because they will be aware of resources and tools that one lil transmasc dude on the Internet (who actually tended to use his therapy sessions talking about general mental health instead, oops) has no idea about.

If you wanted thoughts, then hoo boy, I guess you got them. In triplicate. Here also are triplicate hearts. 💜💜💜

(note: I am aware T is a potential solution, but anon didn't mention it, so I'm assuming either they can't be on it at least right now, don't want to be on it at least right now, or have already applied that potential solution.)

[recentanimenews]

Off the Shelf: Still kicking

MICHELLE: Melinda, after we finish this one we will have done as many columns in 2019 as we did for the entirety of 2015-2018! Go us!

MELINDA: *laughs weakly* Yes… “go us.” Um. Wow. When you put it that way, we sound terribly unimpressive.

MICHELLE: Well, the alternative would’ve been to let it disappear, so I think we deserve a bit of credit for resuscitating it! Anyhow, I expect that you’ve been reading some manga!

MELINDA: I suppose you’re right! WE ARE BASICALLY GODS.

…

Okay, maybe not. But yes, I have indeed been reading some manga, or at least rereading, which is to say that I took some time this week to look at the new omnibus edition of CLAMP’s four-volume manga, Wish, originally published in Kadokawa Shoten’s Mystery DX, adapted into English in the early 2000s by TOKYOPOP, and resurrected just a few weeks ago by Dark Horse Comics, with their usual omnibus treatment—larger trim size, very nice-looking print, and a somewhat refreshed translation.

For those who missed Wish the first time around, it’s the story of an angel, Kohaku, who has been sent to Earth to find Hisui, one of the four “Master Angels” (why they don’t just say “Archangel” is a mystery to me, but maybe there’s something I don’t get), who disappeared from Heaven after a visit to the bridge between Heaven and Hell. During their mission, Kohaku—who appears human-sized during the day but reverts to tiny cherub form at night—is rescued from an attacking crow by Shuichiro, a local human doctor. Complications ensue when it turns out that Hisui actually defected to Earth in order to be with Kokuyo, the actual son of Satan, with whom they have fallen in love. Meanwhile, Kohaku becomes confused by their own growing feelings for Shuichiro.

There’s a whole lot packed into this short series, including more angels and demons, time travel, reincarnation, messenger rabbits, cats (some of whom are actually demons), and a tree fairy, but generally speaking it’s all just incredibly CLAMP from start to finish, and if you’re into that, you know what I mean. Someone even sacrifices an eye. This thing honestly couldn’t get any CLAMPier. It’s not my favorite of their series—I could live very happily never reading another manga about angels for the rest of my life—but as most CLAMP fans will know, the big deal about this edition is the translation, which is certainly what caught my attention.

In CLAMP’s original vision, there is no gender in Heaven or Hell, but in early 2000s publishing, it was unthinkable to convey that in English, especially when it came to the angels, who, in Japanese, referred to themselves with genderless pronouns. This led to a decision to choose genders for each of the angels, based on heteronormative standards regarding appearance and romantic entanglement, outraging some fans but satisfying style guides. Fast forward to 2019, when publishing has finally recalled that singular “they” is a thing, and our angels are genderless at last.

I’ve already mentioned that Wish is far from my favorite of CLAMP’s work, so I wasn’t especially eager to reread it, but I was surprised to note just how much more enjoyment I got out of it this time around. As someone who identifies as nonbinary, I realize this may be of greater importance to me than most, but whatever CLAMP’s intention really was when they filled their comic with genderless angels, it feels like representation, and for something originally published in the 1990s, that is kind of a big deal. Freeing the angels from gender expectations breathed new life into them for me, made the story richer, and opened up its universe to the notion that love and attraction might be based on something other than a person’s gender expression or whatever reproductive organs they happen to possess. These are not novel ideas for many of us, but with all the hand-wringing over this series back in 2002, it feels revolutionary. Mostly, though, what I’m struck with as I read this edition, is how easy it would have been to publish it exactly as it is now, then. The sentences are not awkward. There is nothing that feels labored or unnatural in this translation. How has it actually taken publishing this long to figure that out?

MICHELLE: It’s been a long time since I read Wish, and it was also not my favorite, but I definitely feel a greater spark of interest when I imagine a translation that represents the angels as genderless! It makes me want to shake TOKYOPOP and demand, “Would that have been so hard?!?!” (They had other similar issues back in the day, too, and not just with genderless protagonists. I distinctly remember a character in GetBackers being assigned feminine pronouns when, in fact, he is very much a dude and if anyone had actually bothered to learn anything about the series they were translating, they would’ve known that. SIGH.) I can totally see how it would make the whole story richer as a result.

MELINDA: Yeah, nobody could be more surprised than I am to be describing Wish as “rich” in anything other than CLAMP’s beautiful, swirly artwork, but I genuinely enjoyed rereading it, and I’d even recommend it, at least to fans of shoujo manga, and particularly to other enbies. It’s an unusual treasure of representation for the time period. And messenger bunnies! Who doesn’t love messenger bunnies?

There is one jarring panel in the first volume, where one of the demons seems to misgender Kohaku as “she,” but I don’t know if that was an editorial oversight (that’s how it’s translated in TOKYOPOP’s version, too) or if it was actually written that way in Japanese. But in over 800 pages, that one panel wasn’t significant enough to mar my enjoyment overall.

So what did you read this week, Michelle?

MICHELLE: Maybe that demon was intentionally being a jerk.

I checked out the first volume of Hitorijime My Hero by Memeco Arii, one of the first boys’ love manga published in print by Kodansha Comics. (They did release a handful of others digitally in 2018.)

As a kid, Masahiro Setagawa hated tokusatsu shows because he knew that, no matter how miserable his life was, no hero would come to save him. But when he fell in with a group of delinquents in middle school and became their gofer, a hero did come in the form of Kousuke Ohshiba, the so-called “bear killer,” who defeated the thugs and ended up with Setagawa as his new underling. Setagawa befriended Ohshiba’s younger brother, Kensuke, and as the manga begins, some time has passed. He’s dealing with the fact that Kensuke is now in a relationship with another boy named Asaya Hasekura and that Kousuke is a teacher at their high school.

Almost immediately, Kousuke is confronting Setagawa about the feelings he believes Setagawa has for him, saying, “Even if you feel that way I won’t be able to return those feelings.” Setagawa is too dumbstruck to deny it, and then Kousuke (an adult) keeps sending him (a teenager) mixed signals, like suddenly smooching him or calling him “the guy I like.” It turns out that Kousuke is basically trying to make Setagawa realize he is gay. This eventually works. And then they do it. Eyeroll.

Because this series is a spinoff from an earlier series, we’re just kind of thrown into a confusing timeline and a mix of characters without a lot of context. I’ve seen the first couple of episodes of the anime, and they handle all of this material far more clearly. The manga does a little to show why Setagawa likes Kousuke—he’s strong, smart, and capable—but none at all to show why Kousuke likes Setagawa, aside from one page where he talks about how his devotion helped him retain his humanity or something. Really, it’s all pretty disappointing so far. I know it’s a popular series, so I’m hoping it gets better.

MELINDA: I can’t help but roll my eyes along with you. This basically sounds like a collection of my least favorite BL tropes, though maybe (hopefully??) at least without the younger, smaller guy wincing in pain and horror every time they have sex? Please tell me it at least doesn’t have that. Though maybe it doesn’t matter. I know the student/teacher thing is a common trope too, but I really hate it, especially when it’s the main romantic plot line. I know it’s a popular series, but I honestly can’t imagine reading it by choice.

MICHELLE: To its credit, it absolutely does not have that. It’s fully a fade-to-black scenario with some evidence afterwards that Setagawa enjoyed himself tremendously. As for the student-teacher thing, this is a slightly different variation in which the two people concerned knew each other for years before Setagawa came to the school where Kousuke teaches, so the power imbalance between them is not so much that Kousuke is in an official position of authority but that Setagawa has kind of idolized him.

MELINDA: Either way, I’m guessing it’s not for me. I’ll wait to hear what you think of future volumes before taking the risk.

MICHELLE: Okay. I can handle at least one more. Speaking of Kodansha’s advances into the realm of print BL, would you care to do the summary honors for our mutual read this time?

MELINDA: Sure!

This week, we both read the first volume of the much-anticipated series 10 Dance, by Inouesatoh, also from Kodansha Comics, as Michelle mentioned above.

The story involves two ballroom dancers with similar names—Shinya Sugiki, who is an international champion in Standard Ballroom, and Shinya Suzuki, who is the Japanese national champion in Latin Dance. Their relationship with each other is both admiring and rivalrous, and when Sugiki asks Suzuki and his partner to train with with him (and his partner) for the 10-Dance Competition (combining the 5 Standard and 5 Latin dances), Suzuki finds it impossible to refuse.

Over the course of the first volume, the four dancers train together—the men in particular working to be able to lead in each other’s specialty—and that’s literally all that happens in the story, but as we watch the two of them butt heads (and other things) throughout the training, it’s honestly just riveting. This story is all about personality and relationships, and certainly we’re expecting some steamy romance between the two male leads down the line, but even in this preliminary volume, where nothing overtly romantic happens, there’s so much interpersonal entanglement to enjoy.

The two men couldn’t be more different. Suzuki, who grew up in Cuba, has been dancing with his partner since childhood, while Sugiki changes partners constantly, never quite settling in with anyone. Suzuki’s strength is showing passion on the floor, while Sugiki’s is the elegance of his form. And though things are slowly heating up a bit, I honestly believe I would be happy just watching them dance together as I learn new details about Standard and Latin ballroom rules, pretty much forever. It’s that entertaining.

MICHELLE: I enjoyed it tremendously! From the start, the cover art reminded me of est em, and the content within does, too. With est em, I was always struck by the way her characters would talk while engaged in intimate acts, and although Sugiki and Suzuki aren’t having sex, they’re still engaged in physical activity—indeed, they’ve been dancing until dawn together for months—that puts them in close proximity, gettin’ sweaty, maintaining eye contact, et cetera. And they’re talking throughout, gradually becoming closer and revealing details about their personal lives in the process. I love the slow development of their relationship and how this, in turn, makes small moments so pivotal. The one that stands out is when Sugiki has gone to London to defend a championship title. When he succeeds, it’s Suzuki that he calls, and when this reserved man actually smiles when being told “Hurry up and come home,” it has such impact! Of course, they go right back to butting heads after that.

MELINDA: I agree on est em, though I’d go even further and say it feels like an est em/Fumi Yoshinaga hybrid, with the additional warmth of their observations about each other’s habits and idiosyncrasies and the scene where they dance together at a restaurant, because trying to make points about dance while sitting at the table just isn’t working. It’s got all of est em’s sexiness and suave, along with Yoshinaga’s warm goofiness, and the underlying elegance of both.

MICHELLE: “Warm goofiness” is a great way to describe the scene where Sugiki, frustrated by Suzuki’s attempts to lead the waltz, gets Suzuki to adopt the woman’s role and proceeds to very thoroughly make him feel like a princess. “I feel like I could pop out a dozen babies for you right now!” And you’re absolutely right about elegance, too; these dance scenes are drawn so beautifully.

If you’ll forgive somewhat of a non-sequitur, although I don’t know the kanji used for Sugiki and Suzuki’s given names (and, indeed, it might not even be the same), one definition for “shinya” has a meaning that’s very applicable to the story. Check it out.

MELINDA: I believe I read somewhere that the kanji for each of their names is slightly different from the other, but I’m tickled by that meaning all the same. It certainly is appropriate!

Bottom line, I can’t wait to read more of this series, and I’m thrilled that Kodansha brought it over for us!

MICHELLE: I enthusiastically concur!

Thanks for joining us for another installment of Off the Shelf! The winner of last column’s giveaway is Joseph Miller! Joseph, send over an email or drop a message to Melinda on Twitter to collect!

By: Melinda Beasi

[aces-to-apples]

Week14Day6:MuggersGetMugged.3gp

[Shown: messy bedroom of small apartment with the window open, letting late-afternoon light stream in. It has bunk-bed, various Star Wars paraphernalia, and local Queens “superhero” Spider-Man gesticulating wildly as he literally climbs the walls in his obvious excitement.]

‘Spider-Man’: “Okay, ohmygod, you guys are never gonna believe this but it was amazing! Okay so, like, I was on patrol earlier down by Delmar’s, right? At, like, two in the afternoon! Can you believe that, it was only like two? And I’m talking to Kai because they’ve been having problems with this girl at their school, right? And, like, can you even believe that? A little twelve-year-old enby coming to me–Spider-Man!–for advice about girls? Anyway! So I’m talking them through how to tell the girl that they really like her–as both a friend and more, you know?–but those kind of comments are really hurtful and if she doesn’t sit down and really think about why she says those kinds of things, and why she thinks it’s okay to say those kinds of thing, then that friendship isn’t going to be around for much longer, you know? So I’m going through the kind of language they wanna use–you know, very clear and unambiguous, and also kinda neutral because people who grow up around that kind of language tend to get their backs up when they think they’re being criticized for it, right?–when my, you know, 'spider-sense’ or whatever goes off and I realize I can hear this, like, scuffle or whatever a few blocks down!”

[A dull thud sounds outside the room and 'Spider-Man’ freezes on the ceiling. After a few seconds pass, he carefully crawls over to the door and cracks it open.]

'Spider-Man’: “Aunt May? Are you home?”

[No reply. 'Spider-Man’ waits for a few more seconds before closing the door again and moving back into center-frame.]

'Spider-Man’: “Ri-i-ight, okay, so, um… Right! So I wrap it up with Kai and let them know that they’ll do great and I'll swing back around after the weekend to go over how it went. Kids these day, right? So I swing up to the top of their building and jump a couple rooftops, following the sound of what I’m guessing at the time is a mugging: at least three guys–I mean, you know, people–and obviously there’s a fight going on, so I leap down into the alley where it’s coming from…!”

['Spider-Man’ lets himself fall from the ceiling as he says “leap” and hits the floor with a thud. He strikes a dramatic pose in the middle of the room. It’s mostly ruined by his cobbled-together costume, but he’s obviously doing his best.]

'Spider-Man’: “And standing above three really sketchy-looking dudes on the ground–which, gross, do you have any idea what’s on the ground of a Queens alleyway?–who’ve clearly had the crap beat out of them: there he is! The most beautiful man I’ve ever seen!”

[A door slams somewhere in the apartment, startling 'Spider-Man’ out of his dramatic retelling.]

Unknown female voice: “Peter? Are you home, sweetie?”

'Spider-Man’: “Ah, sh–crap… Uh, be right there, Aunt May!”

God, everyone’s out there making these great, meaningful fix-it AUs for Erik/N'Jadaka and I’m just over here like,

“……..what if Erik was in Queens a few months before CW/BP and a couple morons tried to mug him and Peter "Spider-Boy” Parker showed up in his awful li'l pajamas to try to “save” him and ends up with a serious case of hero worship instead"