#awkwardness that is not necessary! bottom dysphoria is normal and okay!

[dysphoric-culture-is]

Bottom dysphoria culture is wanting to talk about it with trans friends, but they don't have bottom dysphoria and being scared they'll judge me because I'm ace as well

Dysphoric culture is!

Also, there’s a ton of weird stigma around bottom dysphoria/surgery in the trans community (and a lot of sexualization) so a lot of people feel awkward about it.

The best thing to do is just talk about it! Unfortunately the only way to combat something being looked down upon and embarrassing is to increase acceptance/visibility of the topic. And good friends shouldn’t judge you for having dysphoria anon.

[loadingluke]

4 months post op stage 1 RFF phalloplasty

Hey all, last week I hit 4 months post op, so I thought it was about time for my monthly update. At 4 months I’m well and truly done with recovery and I don’t really have any issues to report. As usual I’ll be splitting my update into parts so it’s easier to understand!

ARM

My arm is fully healed, and is looking better and better over time. I am still dealing with the hyperpigmentation but it is coming along so I have faith in time it will fade more. I’ve been massaging my arm once or twice a day (mainly once a day, I’ve definitely been slacking 😬) with a blend of vitamin e oil and castor oil and I’ve definitely preferred that to lotions/creams. I’m also still using ungvita cream, but the smell really bothers me so I probably only use it every few days. I don’t really have a set system, I just massage it with what I want when I remember to or when it is feeling tight or dry.

I have been using my custom fitted TSL sleeve for the last few weeks, and at the moment it’s definitely too early to tell if it was worth it. It was about 240 dollars which is obviously pretty expensive but I have found it definitely makes my arm look better and the silicone imbedded has been really convenient, and is definitely lasting longer than the silicone sheets. It’s super tight and that definitely works to flatten my scar, and I’ve definitely noticed a huge improvement when I started wearing it consistently every night. My only issue with it is that the zip is very tight and often cuts into the top of my hand which can become very uncomfortable over several hours. Because of this, I’ve woken myself up on more than one occasion at like 5am, and, in my half asleep daze, removed it completely before promptly falling back asleep. I’m hoping in time it will loosen up a bit and this won’t be as much of an issue- and if not I’m planning on contacting them to fix it up. At the moment I’m using some toilet paper folded up as a bit of a buffer between the zip and my skin and that does help a little, but it has been quite annoying. I’ll keep everyone updated with how it’s all going if anything changes.

I’ve had a few situations where my arm has been exposed to other people, mainly when I forget to wear my sleeve to work. I’ve had a few looks but honestly not as much as I expected. I tend to keep it covered for my personal preference though, but it’s nice to know that on the off chance I don’t cover it it’s not the end of the world.

Function is doing well, I would say it’s back to normal function. I haven’t encountered any issues or weakness. My donor arm does feel different to my other arm though, as though I’m always wearing a sleeve if that makes sense. It doesn’t bother me, I’m definitely used to it. I sometimes notice that my hand is a little more swollen on my donor side compared to my other hand, but it’s not noticeable and hasn’t caused an issue and is usually only after several hours of lifting boxes at work.

PENIS

Nothing really to report. Sensation is doing well, I would say I have at least some sensation on at least 60% of the phallus, most of which being on the left side. The right side is still pretty numb, but I do occasionally feel some sensation if I touch certain spots. The top and bottom of my phallus has more patchy sensation which is on majority of it, and it feels like how the left side felt about a month ago so I’m hopeful that in time it will catch up. I’m very happy with the amount I can feel so far and that it’s continuing to change and evolve. This month I’ve noticed that I can feel my underwear and pants moving against my phallus, which has been really cool. It’s definitely been helpful gaining more sensation and feeling it day to day as it really reminds me that it is a part of me. I spent a lot of time almost babying it and seeing it all as very medicalised, for example having to put dressings on it, making sure it’s all healing okay and everything. Because of that, it was kind of hard to imagine it as just a part of my body, and this month it definitely feels more like that. I’m all healed up, it’s just there, it’s attached, and I can feel it, and that feels amazing.

Electrolysis is getting more and more uncomfortable which is both great and terrible! I’m trying to smash out as much as I can before stage 2 (and before I gain more sensation) so I’m doing about an hour a week. It’s expensive and awkward, but I know it will be worth it. I’ll probably have to finish up in about a month to make sure everything is all fine before stage 2, but I’ll find out more at my pre op on Tuesday.

I’m flushing my urethra every few days. With the change of season and it being quite cold in Melbourne I’ve definitely noticed a lot less discharge which has been pleasant. Flushing is all normal, no fistulas or tightness to report, but Goossen will confirm if all is good on Tuesday.

OTHER INCISIONS

All my other incisions are fading and healing as expected. I stopped putting fixomull on my butt and abdominal incisions at about 3.5 months, mainly because I couldn’t really be bothered. I’ve not noticed any stretching or colour change so I don’t think it’s really necessary at this point. I'm officially dressing free! weew!

MENTAL

Mentally I’ve been up and down this month. Being the first month since surgery that I’ve been completely recovered and not having to focus on any healing at all has made me really take note of what I’m doing with my time this year. For those of you who don’t know, I put my plans to study this year on hold to pursue surgery, as I knew if I chose to study this year I would be incredibly stressed and preoccupied with recovery. Although I do stand by my decision, it has been rough recently. I look around at most of my friends and I feel like I’m falling behind them, and that I’m running out of time. Logically I know that that’s completely ridiculous, but I’ve always been a very goal oriented person and without something to consistently work on this year I feel like I’m going a little mad. I’ve started studying for the GAMSAT this September (I’ll be just shy of 6 weeks post op, wish me luck 😬) so I have that to focus on, but I do feel like I am wasting a lot of my time. Furthermore, I’m also majority stealth I feel like I can’t really talk about this with most of my friends, which has been incredibly isolating. I’ve definitely appreciated the support from my friends who are aware of what happened, and I have felt super supported during this process don’t get me wrong, but I’ve just been feeling a little meh at certain points this month.

Speaking of being stealth, another thing that has been difficult for me in recovery is having so much of my life revolve around me being trans. For the last 3+ years at least this has been something I’ve kept incredibly private and not really had to think about (excluding the crippling dysphoria of course). I went from having one doctor appointment to get my T shot every 3 or so months to biweekly appointments with multiple health care professionals and a lot more people staring at my genitals than anyone would ever really want. I'm happy to be on the tail end of it all, but it has left me quite exhausted and very much over being trans lol. It definitely was quite overwhelming and not really something I thought I'd need to prepare for. It really hasn't been the end of the world or anything, but it has been weird and exhausting having my transness being so to the forefront of my life after many years of lying dormant.

It has definitely not all been bad though, I am so bloody grateful I have had this surgery and every negative has a million positives. I wake up every morning so so grateful. I can actually function now. I can walk around without a little voice in the back of my head reminding me of what is or isn’t there, and I can look down at my body without wanting to cry. I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit just looking down because I’m just so so happy with how it all looks, and I’m so euphoric about it all! I’ve never felt this good in my body ever, and I’m enjoying this new comfort and security that I wasn’t expecting to ever have. My dysphoria, although still present, is a lot easier to deal with than it was before surgery, and it’s nice knowing that a lot of my dysphoria will be rectified in future ops. I’m looking forward with a lot of hope.

As always, feel free to ask any questions you may have down below. I’ll make another post after my pre op on Tuesday :)