#bottom dysphoric culture is

[dysphoric-culture-is]

Hey so with the barbie movie coming out mod is once again seeing comments like “I’m nonbinary and wish I could just have flat genitalia like a doll, it would take away my dysphoria”. Mod got a dysphoric culture ask about it like 2 years ago actually and now there are more so:

This is possible.

If your transition goal is to have a complete removal of all your internal and external genitalia, there is a real surgery that people get to do that. It’s called genital nullification.

It’s also called nullectomy or nullo.

It’s not a very new or super complicated surgery. Everything is taken out/taken off and you’re left with just a hole for your urethra (where you urinate out of). The urethra may be moved as part of surgery. If you research the procedure you’ll also probably hear them talk about urethral shortening, because nullification is mostly done on cis men/transfems/nonbinary patients who require a penectomy as part of the surgery.

Now don’t get this for an aesthetic or because you like how dolls look. It takes 6-8 weeks of recovery and is as serious a decision as any other bottom surgery. More info is here and here. This website has some info and pictures (graphic warning) of nullification along with phallus-preserving vaginoplasty, another nonbinary surgery.

Hopefully this helps someone!

[velvetvexations]

Oh btw about predatorjacketing and kinkshaming trans people;

This is generally going on among modern fandoms and among young queer and trans adults outside of just transfems.

I've seen plenty of non-transfeminine nonbinary and transmasculine folk get hunted down and harassed over cartoon porn they draw. I don't know in detail if it's more frequent or violent towards transfeminine folk (it could be, - given how mainstream transmisogyny relates to the gay or gnc men as predators myth).

I'm transmasc and I don't have a NSFW art platform at all because I'm THAT scared of people finding it, associating it with my mains and then slandering me over it. I can not find community around my kinks etc. because I feel unsafe to discuss that with the vast majority of people. And yes, my transness is a factor. I always feel that it if I was a feminine cis woman I would be seen as cute and innocent. I have a very deep instinctive feeling that my transness to many people represents a sexual threat and that it's easier to demonize me over kinks bcs I stick out too much etc.

Even in a women's changing room I feel that my masculinity is in this stark direct contrast with most people I share that space with, - that I have to be really careful of how I move, where I look and how I come across. I have felt for my whole life, even when being a fem presenting teen, that I am clocked as a boy thing that doesn't belong there. Now on T, with boobs... I also have to avoid talking in those changing rooms. In the company of really fem presenting cis women I feel socially and culturally hypersexualized for my deviant masculinity, for being an apparent dyke in the midst of women. I have cptsd from being around feminine people because of how othered I am + some experiences of being subtly ruled out of the Girls TM club.

Being a sexual being with my kinds of sexual interests while having this experience as a transmasculine person is something quite vulnerable and difficult to fully become confident in and love oneself about. I think transandrophobia and transmisogyny have that whole "you're a predatory impostor among women" thing and "you emasculate straight cis men by existing" thing in common... Just from a slightly diff. angle but there's so much similiarity.

A lot of the chronic policing between transmasc people over kink and sexuality is actually a result of internalizing the idea that we are dirty masculine predators. There is a high social pressure to be cute, feminized, sanitized and say "PROSHIT DNI >:/" because transmascs have an instinctive self-awareness of how we're easily thrown to the wolves when our gender-nonconformity or sexuality is no longer cute and Christian Values Friendly enough.

Being terrified to death about some kind of predatorjacketing over writing fanfic or drawing weird cartoon porn isn't exclusive to transfems. Any transmasc person encaging in fandom or any online art subcultures is waaayyy too intimately aware of this fact 24/7.

Oh and? Transmasc people with feminine partners who are tops / encage in some kind of roleplay where they're in the 'aggressing' role are extremely stigmatized too. I see people instantly write this off as toxic masculinity or inherently gross because a transmasc does it.

A lot of transmascs (speaking from experience) who actually prefer these "scary" roles in fantasy etc., feel social pressure to over-emphasize how bottom uwu sluts we are. I've recently stopped doing this because I realized it makes me dysphoric + I only do it to make my sexuality more palatable to other people. And I see so many transmascs as like... Having to reduce themselves to these cute slut boytoys. While I fully believe this is the authenthic preference of many of them, I think as a transmasc there is a strong social pressure to be /that way/ because being seen as Gross Threatening Men is like a social death sentence.

(there's a lot of good discussion about everything on this blog btw and I love to read it. I just wanted to add 2 cents to the anti kink vs trans people discussion.)

I don't think there's any difference literally at all between how transfem and transmasc sexuality is "handled" by the internet. People have it in their head that everything is an exact 1-1 of everything else so the fact that a trans woman is more likely to be visibly tagged as a pervert just for walking down the street (transmasc members of Velvet Nation please let me know if that's inaccurate) gets transferred to the internet as though everyone treats trans men who have being trans in their bio as the first thing everyone sees as cis men.

At most TERFs might report trans women more often and I don't want to downplay the seriousness of that but get fucking real if one doesn't think trans men aren't under constant scrutiny.

[papercranesandpride]

You know why else we need to normalize talking to children about genitalia openly and with correct anatomical terms?

Because right now, so many of us are raised to feel like they're supposed to be uncomfortable parts that you hide and are ashamed of, and that means that if you have bottom dysphoria, you have no idea that's not how you're supposed to feel about your genitals. They're supposed to be uncomfortable. Everyone acts like they are uncomfortable with their genitalia. That's why they never talk about them and have to hide them.

Like. I wore leggings constantly as a child, tween, and teen. Like every single day. They were the most comfortable pants and they came in the best patterns. Obviously I did. And yeah, I felt a bit weird about how tightly they fit in the crotch, but of course I did. You're supposed to feel weird about everybody being able to see your crotch like that. Like, people will tell you that you can only wear leggings with long shirts specifically to hide that clear view of the crotch. So obviously I was uncomfortable with it, and obviously I didn't question it in the slightest—because I thought I was supposed to be.

This is true of sex in general, as well. I would have realized I was super dysphoric a lot sooner if there wasn't a narrative that women (and even when I knew I was nonbinary I still culturally saw myself as a woman, having been raised as one and all) are uncomfortable with sex. It turns out, it is not, in fact, normal to see sex as a thing that is done to you instead of a thing that you do. It is not normal to feel like if you're being penetrated, you're inherently powerless. Those feelings were because I have never actually been fully comfortable with taking that role in sex. And maybe I would have realized just how fucked up all of my conceptions of sex were if we just made it even more clear that yes, cis women are supposed to enjoy sex too. They also have an active role. It is not just something done to them.

Maybe none of that would have changed anything. Maybe I still wouldn't see what now seems incredibly obvious. But I wonder. And this is why non-stigmatizing sex education and sexual empowerment is important not just after puberty, but for all ages. Because if you don't know that you're supposed to like these things and feel comfortable with them, how are you supposed to know when something is wrong?

[itsjaywalkers]

PLS PLS PLS SOME OBY REG NSFW HC !!! i got confused of the regulus for a sec sorry 😿 but i meant some oby reg nsfw hc !!!!!

SEE THIS IS THE OTHER ONE I GOT but it's okay bc i'm super nice and i loveeee talking about that sad miserable lil guy <3 sorry it took me so long to get back to u.. i've been meaning to respond for ages but . well . life's been busy . and also i kept forgetting lmao. anyways here we go

he Loves sex. he gets horny very easily and he's always been sensitive, but it took him a while to be able to enjoy and explore his sexuality bc of his parents + him being trans

now however he's very happy and comfy with his own body and his gender and his sexuality (ofc he still gets dysphoric, unfortunately he always will BUT it doesn't happen often)

he genuinely likes hookup culture. as if it wasn't obvious lmao. it gives him freedom to fool around without it getting messy and he's quite shameless atp

it did take a bit for him to get confident enough to sleep around with random guys semi-regularly tho

he prefers using his front hole!! but he also enjoys anal

praise AND degradation kink

gets very subby in bed, especially when he gets fucked hard, but he still enjoys having some control and being a brat

a switch!! he's more into bottoming but absolutely loves topping too

daddy kink. obviously. he didn't know he was into it until james bc he's never been very into the whole sir thing so he never even considered the daddy kink

he's SO loud. moans and whines and whimpers and even sobs, which clashes a lil with his exhibitionism kink for . obvious reasons lmao

which reminds me . exhibitionism kink!! loves the risk of being discovered. and honestly i think he'd also be into actually being discovered..

tends to use condoms even tho he doesn't like them bc a lot of the guys he sleeps with are a bit sketchy and he isn't an idiot

james is clearly the exception.. he adores the feeling of being filled, and since he can't have a cock in him all the time, being full of cum is at least close enough

likes it rough and fast, always wanting to feel sore afterwards and barely able to stand

very into hickeys and bruises and marks, more receiving them than giving them

usually prefers penetration over oral sex, but being with james almost makes him change his mind.. Almost

ready to have sex whenever and wherever, if he gets in the mood he won't stop until he gets what he wants and tends to play dirty bc of it, regardless of if there's an audience

obsessed with overstimulation AND spanking

kinda interested in bdsm but he's never actually experienced any of it properly

comfy with ppl using afab terms for his genitals (he uses them himself) but also likes it a lot when ppl use more neutral or masc terms. he really doesn't have that much of a preference

very very VERY into choking

isn't prone to squirting but . his body is capable of it

isn't that fond of pet names in bed, he's kinda indifferent, but goes insane whenever james calls him love or baby

will do it anywhere BUT a bed

loves dirty talking

into somnophilia!! not without having a convo about it first ofc

and i'm gonna stop there!!

[cadybear420]

Aidevie sexy/intimate time headcanon below. This ones a bit extensive.

Evie and Aiden having some perpetual confusion about what counts as "their first time having sex" and "losing their virginities". The first time doing anything explicitly sexual with each other was near the end of Book 3 when Evie fingers Aiden, but their first time having intercourse and acquiring + using a strap-on isn't until nearly a whole year later during the London Spotlite trip (read more about those here and here).

The cultural norm is that penetrative sex/intercourse is what true sex is, and other actions are simply foreplay, kink, or lesser forms of sex. It's what's referred to as "going all the way". To some extent, Evie and Aiden do consider the fingering to be a true form of sex, especially when it was their default for nearly a year.

But Evie has also felt like it's "not enough" to an extent, majorly in part due to her bottom dysphoria. She desires the ability to penetrate her boyfriend same/similar to how a man would penetrate a woman in typical mainstraight/cisheteronormative sex. And the fact that she does not have the (for lack of better words) equipment for that does upset her.

And it's not that she doesn't enjoy fingering Aiden, because she absolutely does. Even after they get the strap-on, fingering still remains a regular part of their intimate sessions. Just... not the main event anymore. But the thing is, when fingering WAS the main event, it would eventually start to trigger her bottom dysphoria a bit. It started to feel like a reminder that "this was the only way she could penetrate Aiden". She liked it, but it just wasn't the same as using what was essentially a prosthetic penis. And that's why Evie is hesitant to see it as "sex" for them.

This may or may not be influenced by an internal bias of the cultural norm of "penetration with a penis as the default sex". Evie is by no means wrong for desiring intercourse and other penis-related sex acts, and feeling like she's forced to miss out on it. But it's also questionable as to what point is Evie going from desiring to penetrate with a penis and preferring that as their default, to deeming penetration with a penis as the "true" form of sex.

There are also Pros and Cons to both fingering and strap-on:

Pros of fingering:

Evie can actually physically feel Aiden around her fingers, whereas she can't with a strap-on. This can sometimes makes her feel dysphoric while using the strap; even when she is simulating having a penis, there are still elements she has to miss out on. But she's unsure and not well knowledged about using something like t-gel/t-cream, and too squeamish about surgical procedures to get a phalloplasty.

Fingers are generally smaller than the strap-on, so the entry can sometimes be a bit easier (though they always use plenty of lube regardless).

More convenient than a strap-on, unless she wears the strap under her clothes which can get dodgy (I know some of my other MCs do that, but Evie would not like fussing with it). Of course, none of this would even be a problem if she had an actual penis. So one more point to Evie's dysphoria.

Somewhat more direction/angle control due to all the joints in the finger, and this can really drive Aiden wild. With the strap-on, Evie can really only use her hips. It still makes Aiden feel good tho.

Aiden can make jokes about how she'd actually be really good at playing a stringed instrument. He's not escaping the hand fetish/fixation allegations and he really shouldn't try to.

Pros of strap-on:

Evie can orgasm from it, the strap-on base creates friction against her clit. Keep in mind that this is one of the only two forms of genital stimulation Evie is comfortable with. The other is fumping/stribbing/grinding.

The strap-on reaches deeper inside Aiden better and makes him feel more full, which he likes a LOT.

They can sometimes use an ejaculating strap-on to try and simulate that feeling. Aiden likes the sensation and Evie likes the potential experience. Though those things generally require the use of a hand pump rather than having an automatic thing, so that can sometimes be dysphoric for Evie. But it's better than nothing.

Easier to engage in other forms of intimacy with Aiden (such as kissing him, feeling his body) due to both of Evie's hands being free.

No risk of carpal tunnel(?). Positioning for fingering can sometimes get awkward, I imagine.

Evie does understand these pros and cons, though sometimes she does take the pros of fingering for granted. It's a messy mixed bag, honestly.

Aiden meanwhile has some degree of bottom dysphoria, though probably not as severe as Evie's. He's unsure whether he'd want to have a vag/clit/vulva- the most he knows is that he does not take interest in using his dick in sex. He's okay with having it squeezed a bit at the very most... and that's about it. So whether he's getting penetrated by fingers, a dildo, or an actual dick makes no difference to him dysphoria-wise.

Aiden's not sure about "real sex", but Aiden does consider both of these actions highly intimate as they both involve a part of Evie going into Aiden's body. Aiden tends to associate those sorts of actions with high levels of trust between the two parties involved. And to some degree, so does sex acts that involve both parties' genitals, as opposed to mouth-genitals or finger-genitals, where fingers and mouth aren't quite as intimate on their own. Granted Evie uses a prosthetic penis, but it's still meant to recreate the owner and usage of gentials, and is also in contact with her clit.

TLDR of that whole paragraph: Aiden does not believe in the concept of "more real/superior" sex, but he has his own understanding/perspective of why something like intercourse might be deemed as a "bigger" form of intimacy and as "going all the way". I think Evie would understand it similarly, and that can contribute to why having a penis is so euphoric and important to her. But it's more prominent with Aiden because trust is important to him in a relationship and he's the one having something go into his body.

But at the same time, they don't want to downplay non-intercourse forms of intimacy.

TLDR of everything: there are reasons why they consider intercourse to be “bigger” forms of sex, both in a general sense and for themselves. But they also do enjoy stuff like fingering as well as other stuff that would be deemed as foreplay, and while those aren’t as “high level” to them, they don’t want to fall into the cultural norms of completely downplay them as forms/parts of sex.

[eonasrose]

How To Be a Teen and How To Do It Again

I’ve been needing a place to vomit some thoughts, so here I am, after years away. I’m hoping this will be a bit cathartic, so here I go.

Where to begin…Early life I suppose. I had a somewhat stereotypical trans woman backstory, I was the kid that told her kindergarten teacher my favorite color was pink, to which I got teased/made fun of by other kids in my class, and I was the kid who grew up wanting to be a girl.

The first memory I have of being uncomfortable with my body occurred when I was around 5ish, so pretty early in life In this memory. One day, while I was sitting one the toilet after finishing my business, I looked down between my legs. When I saw my p*nis, it bothered me. I wanted it to disappear, so what did my 5 year old brain do about it? I tried to push it back in like a button. Obviously I didn’t know why I was uncomfortable, I didn’t even know there were people that didn’t have a p*nis yet, but that didn’t change what I felt.

A few years after this, I remember going to bed one night, thinking to myself that I wished I was a girl. I don’t remember the circumstances that led to this, but what I do remember was telling myself I couldn’t let anyone know what I wished for. I remember, before falling asleep, telling myself that I would take my secret to the grave. I couldn’t have been older than 10, yet I already knew how taboo it was for a boy to want to be a girl

This brings me to my tween and teen years. I still remember when I got my first zit, I was standing in the bathroom at school, looking at myself in the mirror, afraid to go outside, lest other people see it. To put it in simpler terms, I was embarrassed, and unfortunately this would be far from the last time I’d be embarrassed by something puberty caused.

My facial hair was one of the first things that would bring about this embarrassment. I was so uncomfortable with the hair growing on my face, I didn’t even want to talk about it. For the longest time, I had these terrible sideburns and a patchy beard, that I was so embarrassed about, I couldn’t even ask for razors to shave. Shortly after this, my voice started to change, hair started to grow on my chest and back, and my bottom bits were no longer so small, I could push it back in like a button. Everything became impossible to ignore.

Of course, in my case, “embarrassed” is entirely interchangeable with “dysphoric,” though, at the time, I didn’t have the knowledge to recognize it for what it was.

Eventually I was forced to face the consequences of a testosterone fueled puberty. In the case of my facial hair, I was literally forced by my sister and my dad to learn how to shave. I’ve always been a quiet person, so my voice wasn’t a problem until I had to speak, which over time, became more and more of a requirement. When it came to my bottom bits, there wasn’t much I could do, and so I did my best not to think about it. For everything else, I just chose not to deal with it, and it stayed that way until I came out at 20.

The most notable difference between my first puberty and my second, has been the embarrassment. In popular media and our culture in general, it’s accepted and even expected that puberty will cause embarrassment, but frankly, that hasn’t been the case for my second time around.

I haven’t been embarrassed by a single change that estrogen has brought me. In fact, the only thing it has brought me is joy. My boobs are slightly asymmetrical and bounce when I do anything more rigorous than walking, I have a lot of fat on my hips, thighs and butt thanks to estrogen, I even have stretch marks because of it, and yet I’m not embarrassed about any of it. The only aspects of my transition that have ever brought me embarrassment, are things linked to my birth sex and puberty.

I’ve been embarrassed about my boob size, but that’s only because my chest is wide, which causes them to spread out and makes them not fit my frame. I’ve been embarrassed to change clothes in a women’s locker room, but only because of what’s between my legs. I’ve been too embarrassed to take pictures of myself, but that’s only because of what testosterone has done to my face. Lastly, I’ve been embarrassed to talk on the phone, but only because I can still hear the remnants of what my voice sounded like before vocal training.

Coming out has done nothing but make my life better, and in more ways than those I’ve listed, but that’s a discussion for another post. For now, it’s bed time. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

Bu Remiè.

[minheeskitten]

Vent post. Dont read if you dont want to see the following.

Tw: Dysphoria, Negative self talk. S/h ideation. Asexuality talk, arospec talk, queer struggles. suicidal ideation

Something about being on the asexual specturm.

I have the thoughts. I want to be able to write more of them.

But i always feel i write smut best when horny, you know?

Except i dont get that way often, so my reach massively drops every time i stop posting

I do love writing but the asexuality can make it hell to feel inspired to write smut.

Ive stopped wriring as much because my asexuality hits me like a truck. I dont get as wxcited as i did before.

Purity culture fucked me over so bad i cant even be normal about sexuality. Makes me feel broken for being ace.

My full queer identity is as follows, Transmasc genderfluid. Aroflux, panromantic, lithsexual, demisexual, bisexual.

Being so deeply aroace makes it hard because i feel like i dont fit in, you know?

And being transmasc in a sea of comfortable femme afab readers and writers just makes it hard for me to feel involved wheni wanna write things id absolutely enjoy.

Rhe dysphoria also hits really hard because of being someone who if you saw irl without any knowledge of my identity, youd go 'oh a woman.'

Feeling pretty dysphoric lately and been rhinking about trying to get onto Testosterone.

Most of my moots are afab and use feminine pronouns and im out here like the only transmasc here.

Im worried that people dont interact because they cant relate or cant find me. But if its not relating then how do i fix the issue? Being trans is integral to who i am. And i feel bad because of how little i can post and talk to others.

Honestly i hate being inactive. I loved my followers on my old account but i dont know how to get rhem back, because they followed me for the x reader things that i do not do anymore.

I dont do x reader because it feels wrong weiting for fem readers when im transmasc and incredibly dysphoric some days.

I cant write afab often because it makes me uncomfortable in my skin. Maybe if i get top surgery ill feel better.

Im hoping i can top surgery and be on T. Because im incredibly dysphoric as of late and just dont want to have my tits anymore. I want to be a guy.

I dont want bottom surgery that doesnt make me dysphoric its just my breats being so large.. Double D cups are not fun especially when you're trans.

Sometimes i just want to cut them off and never aee rhem again. But i know that i cant DIY that sort of thing. That would be deadly. And i dont want to abandon all of the friends ive made on here and other places.

I feel like my body was wasted on me, because i cant appreciate it the way it is. Makes me feel incredibly awful about myself. My self image is terrible.

I feel like dying would be better some days yet i dont want to leave any of my friends. They mean so much to me. Anyone who interacts means the world to me.

Rhe idea of death is a concept ive found intriguing for years. But im not sure id be able to commit. But it always starts with a bit of seld harm, doesnt it?

Sorry if this was something sad on your dash today coming from a smut blog. I dont think you were expecting that from me today.

I dont know if ill make rhis sort of vulnerable post again, but i hope that this at least gives you some of my perspective.

If you read this, thank you for taking the time to read this.

I know rhis was a vent post but like. I needed to say it.

[indiejones]

OF 1 UNITED STATES V/S UNITED STATES .

1. Unchanged stats for decades show 'transgenders' be mere 1 in every 800 people in world ie ONLY 1 PERSON PER PRECINCT OF US(OR UK)IS TRANSGENDER! Yet whole Western world(media)seems obsessed,past 2 yrs, with this one issue of 1 woman feeling unsafe in 1 toilet in 1 corner of the world. This to me smacks of a deep subconscious breeding in Darwinianism of English society, accentuated by an abysmally low breeding in divine/spiritual belief or faith.

2. And the new by-product of Western thought-culture - the 'gender dysphoric'. 👇 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_dysphoria

Whilst being sensitive to their plight.. This seems a direct result of, alpha male popular culture from 1960s-2000s, followed by alpha female bent thereafter. Scaring both genders into defense mode.

3. A US man or woman works 1800 hrs a year on avg. He earns a $9/hr MINIMUM WAGE on avg.

80% men or women earning avg min wage in US, in a family of 1 ie living alone, LIVE BELOW THE POVERTY LINE! & God forbid if with a partner. 1. https://aspe.hhs.gov/2021-poverty-guidelines 2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimum_wage_in_the_United_States

Btw,this amounts to 25 MILLION AMERICANS 👇 IE. 8% OF AMERICA LIVES BELOW THE POVERTY LINE!

https://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/022615/can-family-survive-us-minimum-wage.asp

But of course a issue that despite unabashed promises (on $15/hr Act) in campaign,seemingly remains 'unimportant' to POTUS.

Oh but it will be..1-1.5 yrs later!

Wait & watch..oops hear!

4. On the other big unkept POTUS promise..STUDENT LOAN FORGIVENESS!

~50 MILLION AMERICANS IE 16% AMERICA LIVES FROM POST-TEEN TO DEATH (EVEN IN 70+ YR LIFE) WITH AN AVG $40,000 STUDENT DEBT FOREVER HANGING ON THEIR HEADS, DESPITE PAYING ~70% OF THEIR MONTHLY INCOME SINCE AGE 25 TO REPAYING IT!

a. https://www.forbes.com/advisor/student-loans/average-student-loan-debt-statistics/

b. https://www.brookings.edu/blog/brown-center-chalkboard/2023/04/23/key-lessons-for-the-u-s-from-analyses-of-student-loan-systems-all-around-the-world/

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAS BECOME A KLEPTOCRACY OF ITSELF!

IE BOTTOM 80% OF USA HAS FOR PAST 30 YRS SINCE 1990'S, BECOME A SLAVE TO IT'S TOP 1% ! ...& IT'S TIME THE USA STARTED CALLING THAT TOP 1% ANOTHER NOTIONAL NATION IN ITSELF !

AND BOTH DEMOCRATS & REPUBLICS, AT DIFFERENT TIMES IN HISTORY, DEMOCRATS AS NEAR AS TILL MONTHS BACK, WITH NUMBERS ON THEIR SIDE, THAT YET, WE KNOW, MANUFACTURED HISTORICALLY UNNATURAL REASONS, TO PREVENT LEGISLATION ON THESE FUNDAMENTAL ISSUES, AS VEHEMENTLY PROMISED IN ELECTIONS.

AND SO SADLY FOR YOU AMERICA, THAT TOP 1% AMERICA INCLUDES AS HISTORICALLY PERCEIVED ~70% OF YOUR ELECTED POLITICIANS, COMBINING MEMBERS OF BOTH PARTIES, DEMOCRATS & REPUBLICANS!

& GOD SAVE AMERICA....YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT !

5. Now to the media-driven muscle+ army culture + woke culture in US, a phenomena that known or unknown to them, could be turning society Orwellian in nature! :

This week's 'US subway choke death case' is a classic eg.,that's set to occupy msm for next month.

Video clearly shows 3-4 tough guys surrounding a guy professionally choking another guy for at least half min on camera, & to his death.

Be tough to prove self-defense, even if believe bystander a/c's of how (unknown) dead guy,verbally threatened violence.

But amazingly, there's a section of media vehemently supporting this reaction,& even calling it heroic,& finding traction.

THAT'S ARMY CULTURE.

And literally a hundred-thousand egs. could be given to the same effect.

And let's not forget drug culture, on right & left & every which way, making things all the more 'highly pathetic'. (A US NCDAS 2021 report infact revealing how 1/3rd adult USA today as part of culture is into consumption of hard drugs,& zoned out,so to say!)

Another modern addition to US society is 'Wokeism'-it's motives clearly being to deconstruct & dismantle traditional societal templates of co-habitation & growth. Eg create valley of fear for girls in motherhood, or a suffocating binary of alpha male or gay.

WOKEISM IS EMOTIONAL EMASCULATON OF SPIRIT. IE FANCY SICKULARISM

Bringing us motives of Sickularism- To break traditional mental & psychological support systems of society,eroding anchors of love & trust, & leaving them v.easily impressionable to political fear-mongering & manipulation.

The haters of Hitler, but lovers of an Orwellian society.

[slvt-prince]

Hello! Figured I should make a proper intro post.

I'm A-

I am part of a DID system. The body is an adult (30) and afab (but ftm) but I am a 16 year old male alter. I am an introject and in my source/species/culture considered a legal adult. I don't consider myself trans because my gender disconnection comes from our dissociative disorder. I am just a guy inhabiting an afab body due to weird circumstances. That said anything I write would be written as if I have the body I do internally and not the physical body our system possesses. Any reference to me having afab features makes me extremely uncomfortable/dysphoric.

I'm bi but like 95% of my attraction is to men so that's the majority of what I'd be posting about. I'm purely a sub and a bottom and very much a masochist.

I'm into a lot of "darker" kinks and fantasies but as long as things are safe sane & consensual and carried out between consenting adults or kept strictly to the realm of fiction/fantasy I don't think there's anything wrong.

Some of my more "controversial" kinks include:

Father-son or sibling-sibling incest roleplay

Ageplay or loli/sho fiction/roleplay

CNC/ravishment fantasy

Simulated gore/mutilation/torture/etc (Basically if you see it in a good whump story I'm probably into it.)

In any of these I project myself in the "victim" role, and once again I direct you to the bit above about SSC/adults/fiction. It shouldn't need to be disclaimed so much but you know how the internet is.

Other stuff I'm into include:

Breathplay (choking, drowning, etc)

Monsterfucking

Somno

Orgasm denial/orgasm control

Omorashi

General bondage type stuff (but I'm picky)

Degradation but also praise

Eating restriction (I dunno how to word this one. I'm recovering ED but also there's something very hot about someone else starving me or otherwise generally determining for me what and when I can eat)

Cannibalism

This will be updated as I think of stuff. There's a lot more I just have a shit memory. I'll also add a turn offs/hard limits section eventually.

I've also been exploring the idea of nonsexual kink. I don't know a lot about it but there's definitely a lot of stuff that I'm into that I don't need or want actual sex to be involved at all but still give me the same kind of emotional high and release. So I guess there's that.

I might repost some of my writing from other blogs to here rather than reblog them for a vague sense of anonymity (though if you know me outside this blog it's probably pretty easy to figure out who I am from this haha)

Feel free to shoot me asks or just chat. If you're a jerk (in a nonsexy way) I'll just ignore block and more on but I welcome good-faith questions and respectful disagreements etc. Or y'know you could flirt with me or send me dirty stuff that's cool too ;)

[lesbian-bookworm]

Super dysphoric nonbinary butch lesbian over here

Anyone wanna chat ans maybe help me feel better

[dysphoric-culture-is]

Dysphoric culture is wanting a phalloplasty without a vaginectomy and not being able to find any doctors who've ever done it, and then crying because you know your ideal configuration apparently isn't a thing that happens.

I want to keep my vulva/vagina, but I still want a penis, and I can't tell you the amount of times I've cried because I don't think this type of surgery is even done or, if it is, done in the US at least. It sucks so much.

Dysphoric culture is!

Also anon, great news: this surgery is real! It’s called vagina-preserving phalloplasty or VPP.

There aren’t a ton of surgeons who perform it in the US but some (from the Crane Center in California) are listed here. There’s also someone in New York that talked about getting a vagina-preserving metoidioplasty in a news article but mod doesn’t know who their surgeon was. More info and some more surgeons are here.

More people are getting nonbinary bottom surgeries so there are slightly more resources around now. Good luck anon!

(For those wanting the opposite of this, phallus-preserving vaginoplasty exists too.)

[nothorses]

hi i have a question if you dont mind! i have a lot of bottom dysphoria, but i just really can't tell if i have suppressed social dysphoria for the most part, or if i am a trans guy. i definitely know i want a "male" body, but i also know dysphoria isn't supposed to = trans, and there isnt supposed to be such a thing as male or female bodies. so how do i know if i am nonbinary vs a man? or both lol? i dont have many men in my life and i kinda trained myself to not like them, so i cant tell if im just suppressing a desire to be a man. i guess my question is does wanting a penis almost always make you want to be a man, or male-aligned?? thank you im so sorry if this doesnt make sense .. also thank you so much for your posts - they have really helped me realize i had a radfem circle without knowing it and it was keeping me ignoring my gender stuff <3

(sorry again for the super late response!!)

This is definitely a complicated question, and it's got a complicated answer.

So, first: you are totally correct that dysphoria =/= trans, and body =/= gender. You don't need dysphoria to be trans in the first place, and whatever dysphoria you do have does not necessarily dictate the gender you are. Penis =/= man, therefore wanting a penis does not necessarily make you a man, and not wanting a penis does not necessarily mean you do not want to be a man.

Now, the reason we say this is because we're arguing against the cissexist idea that gender originates solely from anatomy:

Anatomical gender model: Gender is determined by the body parts you have (penis = man, vagina = woman).

Which has been extended by transmedicalists to include the body parts you want to have- necessitating that you want those body parts (and subsequently experience dysphoria when you do not have them) in order to be considered that gender. Which leads us to a model that dictates gender as originating in the brain, while sex originates in anatomy, and the idea that these things can be mismatched.

"Brain" gender model: Gender originates in your brain, sometimes separate from your anatomical gender. A "mismatch" between the two is where dysphoria comes from.

This also has some flaws; it doesn't leave room for trans people without dysphoria, it still equates anatomy to gender (penis = man, vagina = woman), and it doesn't leave room for nonbinary people either.

So now we have a few other models for understanding gender:

Social gender model: Gender is determined (or at least heavily influenced) by one's relationship with social gender roles and cultural values around gender.

Internal gender model: Gender is intrinsic, internal, and individual. There is no external influence or determining factor; it's entirely within you.

"Gender is a social construct" model: Gender does not exist, it's just a lie made up by the patriarchy. Nobody experiences gender; they just experience gender roles. (This is sometimes coupled with the anatomical gender model, esp. with TERFs).

I'm very much of the opinion that none of these models can really stand alone; gender can be influenced by one's relationship to social/cultural values, it can be entirely internal, and for some people, gender can be completely irrelevant; maybe only their anatomy matters to them, or maybe they just have no concept of gender at all.

What's important here is that all of these experiences are individual and personal, and everyone is going to have a different concept of gender, what it means, and where it comes from for them personally. All of those experiences are legitimate, and deserve respect and space in the conversation.

Which means that, yes, sometimes gender is attached to anatomy for some people. Dysphoria is still a real experience that people have, and it can absolutely be attached to gender.

I was dysphoric about my breasts because I am a man. I understand that men can have breasts, and I see other men with breasts as men. But I, personally, needed to have them removed in order to be at peace with my body, because I am a man, and because I could not see my own body as a man's body until I did not have breasts anymore.

At the same time, much as I would like to have a penis, I can see my body as that of a man's without one. That's just how gender works for me- it doesn't need to mean anything about anyone else.

So yes, wanting a penis does not necessarily make you a man; but that doesn't mean that wanting a penis necessarily means nothing at all, either.

The question I would be asking is not just "what is my gender", but rather, "what does gender mean to me, personally? How do I need to see myself in order to be happy, and what do I need in order to get there?"

[endobiologist]

Trans Guy Tips #6; A GUIDE FOR ALLIES: ON HOW TO TREAT TRANS PEOPLE RESPECTFULLY, FROM A TRANS MAN HIMSELF

1. Just simply treat us like regular human beings. This means don't be assholes, and don't be fetishizers.

Trans people are just like anyone, their brain just happened to form in a different way than their body did in the womb.

If you treat them with the same respect that you treat everyone else, you're doing right.

Don't be that person who asks if they had surgery, and what their genitals look & looked like, and all those personal questions that are maaaybe well meaning but come off creepy as fuck.

2. Take their name & pronouns seriously!!

If someone is trans, even if they don't look like the gender they are, try not to ever misgender them.

This can be mental anguish for a lot of people who are trans.

There are a lot of trans people who look perfect, yes, but there are also a lot of trans people who don't pass whatsoever.

If you just support the beautiful trans people and not the unconventionally attractive ones, that counts as transphobia because it implies they're not real men / women unless they look like them exactly.

And it's okay if you mess up on their pronouns and/or name sometimes, it's just an accident.

The only time you're an asshole is if you're doing it on purpose to be mean.

3. Ask questions!

The most important thing you can do is gain as much knowledge on the subject as you can.

Do this by researching yourself, and also by talking to the person, and asking them about any questions or confusions you have.

Almost all of the time no one minds being asked, and you are in fact showing you respect them and want to know how to show them your respect.

4. A nice thing to do that's become very popular as of late, is when meeting someone, asking their pronouns.

Such as she/her/hers, he/him/his, and they/them/theirs.

This way you never misgender someone by accident, and it shows that you're friendly to those who are trans.

You can even support this movement yourself by not only doing this, but also putting your own pronouns in your biography on social media, spreading the likelihood of people putting more in, which means way more people get gender fulfilled and makes it a common thing to give strangers respect of their gender!

5. This is yet the most important rule of all.

Don't be a coward.

Stand up to injustice when you see it, no matter what.

If a trans or gay or otherwise LGBT+ person is being bullied, attacked, r*ped, or anything of the sort, either help them yourself quickly or get help for them as soon as possible, and speak up loudly, protecting them whilst also not drowning out their own voice and their experiences. I've known some trans people who have cried after I defended them online from hateful people, and as a fellow trans person I know that feeling.

The feeling of someone having your back,even a stranger, can mean so much.

Also stand up for LGBT+ people even when no one is listening. Even when a single person that's LGBT+ isn't there.

Stand up for them always, not just conditionally.

This rule is important to me personally, due to one of my ex-best friends, at the time best friend, letting me get harshly abused verbally by someone who is transphobic in their family, and they stood around and did nothing whilst I cried.

That's pretty much a textbook case of what not to do. Lol.

6. When you notice they're feeling dysphoric about their bodies, try and remind them of the traits that they like and the traits that they will have in the future (if they go on HRT that is)

things like calling them 'handsome', 'dude', 'bro', 'milady', 'miss', all these different nicknames can be cathartic for trans people who might have never been called those terms before, or very rarely.

Obviously you're not expected to know every whim of your trans friend, or any friend, but if you see them actively upset, this is a very sweet thing to do that can cheer them up very quickly.

7. Even if you do not understand it at all, and can't comprehend the transgender concept whatsoever, please try your best to think of where your loved one is coming from.

Sometimes it's hard to see the pain they go through, so you may assume nothing is going on, and that they're going through a phase, or faking it, but that is usually very untrue/unlikely.

And even if they are going through a phase, if you support them, that will make all the difference and they'll remember that the rest of their lives, even if they do grow out of it, which is extremely rare so it's unlikely in the first place.

What matters is having each other's backs, even if not understanding everything.

Not everything is meant to be understood by everyone. People come from wildly different generations and cultural backgrounds and it makes sense that it would be hard for some, but it,'s so important to try!

8. This is a small, cute optional thing, but if they're in the closet and unable to use their real name anywhere, try taking them somewhere like Starbucks where they get to have their name written on their cup.

I know that might sound funny, but it was one of my favourite moments in my life when I saw my new name correctly on my Starbucks cup.

Little things like that can really boost your mood!

Just a random thought, but I thought I'd add it in.

9. If you're close with them, make sure they practise self-care and wellbeing.

Trans people are known especially to have very high suicide rates, over 50% of trans people have attempted suicide, so it's extremely important to make sure your trans friend is as supported as possible, so that they always have people to fall back on.

If needed, remind them to take showers, remind them to eat, and sleep, things like that.

This one mainly has to do with if you live with the person and know them well.

But even people you don't know them well, you can suggest self-care practises to them, or even put together a little care package of self care products, but make sure they're all natural!

10. A good way to train to use their pronouns and name correctly, is to think of them in your mind hard, and then repeat their new name and pronouns in your brain or aloud with the picture of them in your mind over and over for as long as you need every day or so.

Eventually this association will become so strong you'll automatically get it every time!

11. Most importantly, just be there for people in need.

Stand up for those without a voice, whilst giving them a voice. If you're one of the people out there who is not LGBT+ in any way, but is making an effort to learn about us,

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

People like you are extravagantly rare, and so kind. And it definitely means you have an open badass mind.

Anyway, that concludes this article, please comment your thoughts!

Many more articles about being transgender I'll write in the future, and I'll post the ones I write soon.

Please feel free to check back at my account to see if I write any new ones or additions to previous articles!

Thank you for reading.

- Atom T. L. Yorke

[onthecrosslook]

hey quick question, how is it possible to be transgender but not transracial? what is the difference?

Hi, thank you for actually asking this in a respectful manner-

A lot of people get these two conflicted, or try to use it as a ‘gotcha!’ moment, but it’s really quite simple.

A person is transgender when they are unsatisfied with the sex they were born as, and/or if said sex gives them gender dysphoria. (It is possible to be transgender and not be dysphoric, but it’s rarer.) This dysphoria can be treated by a gender therapist to lessen the pain it can cause, but most people pursue transitioning, or seeking to become the opposite sex in medical, social, or physical/non-medical ways. This has been around for centuries and is a proven real thing, especially because sex is biologically a multifaceted thing.

‘Transracial’ is actually an appropriated term by those who are (most of the time) unhappy about being Caucasian. The original use of transracial was defined by a person adopted into a family of differing racial origin.

The difference between this and the new use of ‘transracial’ is that race is not a biological factor, it’s a cultural grouping of those with similar features, language, or religious background. One can assimilate into another race/culture by learning the language, respecting the culture, etc. but what most ‘transracial’ people attempt to do is entirely appropriate it in a stereotypical manner in an attempt to force themselves into another culture, usually by surgical means.

For example, blackface could be cultural appropriation, but occasionally it crosses the line into those who are convinced they were ‘born black’ or a ‘black person in a white person’s body’ which, when stated like that, is a ludicrous idea.

Here’s the bottom line: ‘Transracial’ is not a valid thing, and attempting to be ‘transracial’ is a racist ideal founded in a very privileged society.

-AE

[destroyyourbinder]

Unriddling the Sphinx: Autism & the Magnetism of Gender Transition

When people note that "trans children" tend to have autistic traits and that children with an autism diagnosis (particularly natal girls, but also boys) are massively overrepresented in the population that is referred to assessment and treatment for gender dysphoria, many trans people's (and allies') response is that it is a kind of dehumanization and denial of agency to claim that autistic people cannot be transgender, do not have the right to seek gender transition, or that they may be vulnerable to being exploited by the transgender healthcare system. Most recently, this claim has come up again with regards to a recent piece by Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, where among many other things she notes the enormous increase in child referrals to gender clinics, including a disproportionate number of autistic children, to explain her reticence to endorse the political stances of modern transgender movements.

This is my response as an autistic woman, who was once an autistic child, who is a lesbian with experiences of gender dysphoria and who once wanted to transition to male.

-----

1.

Recognizing our vulnerability to social predation and to cultural systems that we do not understand because they were not made for us is not offensive. As autistic people, it is key to claiming our autonomy as a particular kind of disabled person. We often do not recognize our limitations in reference to greater social systems not because we are "too stupid" (i.e. cognitively or intellectually limited) but because we have different value systems than neurotypical people and hierarchical institutions built for their benefit. Autism is a pervasive developmental disability, and it is a way of being. It is not merely being a "regular person" minus various clinically defined psychological capacities or skills. It is a difference across all domains of life, and as a disability that causes differences in our social and sensory perception it is also a disability that causes differences in what we want and what we care about. Both those who exhibit condescending "concern" for autistic people and those people who naively defend our right to do whatever we see fit miss this component of being autistic. It is not that we are merely vulnerable because we are missing parts of our decision-making or social skills apparatus. It is not that we are merely being unfairly denied what we want to do, and our autism is immaterial, just some excuse for the denial.

It's that we aren't recognized as having wants, only "special needs". It's that we aren't given the skills to know what it is that we want, or that it might be different from those around us. It's that we are never told how to get what we want in safe and healthy ways, or that there is even a potentially safe and healthy way to get it. It's that we are deemed automatically pathological and empty of internal experiences as autistic people. It's that we're not given any help on how to navigate our deep differences from others and how to navigate being deprived of social resources and networking in a way that doesn't tell us to just cover it up and deal with it. It's that most people who dedicate their lives to "helping" us do not care about any of these things, merely that we can be trained to act in a way that doesn't disrupt the lives of neurotypical people. Given this context, it is far more insulting to me to insist that having autonomy renders us somehow invulnerable to exploitation than to correctly perceive that we are in fact an intensely vulnerable people. By nature of our disability, we are always on the margins of social resources and social networks, and exercising our autonomy unfortunately often puts us even further outside social acceptability and social protection rather than somehow shielding us materially from the consequences of living a self-actualized autistic life. Few autistic people are prepared for this when they begin trying to make decisions "true to self" in adolescence.

I believe nearly every autistic person is traumatized from the consequences of living in this world and what others do to us. Clinicians do not usually recognize that autistic children and adults can be traumatized, that there is even anything there to traumatize. (Why else could they feel so comfortable shocking us, shackling us, or feeding us bleach?)

-----

2.

I think because we are not neurotypical we often struggle to understand just why a neurotypical person would feel ok excluding us, or maybe even anyone. Many of us autistic people have little impulse to do such things, and if we do, we rarely have the social power to make someone that we've cut out of our lives unemployable, unable to access medical care, food, housing, and so on. But neurotypical institutions are set up, from top to bottom, to create hierarchies of value with extreme material difference between the top and bottom. They are set up to stratify the "worthy" people from "unworthy" people.

Autistic people are almost universally considered "unworthy" in these systems, and to the extent that we can curry favor from them we must consent to our exploitation: to entering into a transaction on neurotypical terms, where we can get some sort of worth through providing a "benefit" to this hierarchical resource system which is not made according to our value system or for us whatsoever. This is common to all marginalized people. But it is often particularly poignant to autistic people, who struggle to find community with any social group of human beings. There is no "elsewhere" for us, there is no "home". We are stuck, as they say, on the "wrong planet", and the spaceship was destroyed.

The idea that exercising our autonomy would protect us from this world rather than render us more vulnerable because we are refusing to transact correctly or refusing to provide a benefit is utterly absurd. Our autonomy is perfectly compatible with our continued social ostracization and exploitation. It usually coexists with our continued social ostracization and exploitation.

In social skills classes-- or just the wild, wild world-- you are not taught how to deal with the fact that everyone will hate you for being you. You are taught to be someone else. You are not taught about your native autonomy. You are taught about how to put your hands here or here, how to choose between actions that are condescendingly and ridiculously normal. You are not taught how to take responsibility in a way you understand, that is harmonious to your own values and others'. You are taught to hold yourself accountable for your abnormality.

So forgive me if I do not believe for one second that impersonal, well-funded medical systems that were built off of medically experimenting on intersex children and adults (the nightmares wreaked by John Money at Johns Hopkins) or psychologically experimenting on behaviorally aberrant children (UCLA, where behaviorist torturer of autistic children Ivan Lovaas tinkered with gender nonconforming children alongside conversion therapist George Rekers) have autistic people's self-defined well being in mind.

And forgive me if I do not think informed consent clinics have autistic people's self-defined well-being in mind when they're more interested in rubber stamping hormones while shielding themselves from legal liability than assisting autistic adolescents and adults, who have an intrinsically different way of understanding gendered social norms, navigate the enormous complexity of how to interface with the single most fundamental social fixation of the neurotypical world as someone who will always and automatically fail.

-----

3.

I do not think most gender clinicians even have the first understanding of what it means to be autistic and what this does in and of itself to your understanding of gender and sexuality. What J.K. Rowling said in her piece-- a straightforward accounting of facts-- is far, far less insulting to me than what Diane Ehrensaft-- one of the premier "experts" in the United States on pediatric transgender cases-- published in a peer-reviewed journal on autism. In a 2018 letter to the editor reading remarkably like new-age material on Indigo Children, she writes that she likes to call autistic transgender children "Double Helix Rainbow Kids" and declares us "freed" from the restrictions of gender as "more creative" individuals. This article ends with an anecdote about an eight year old autistic female child with limited language use who begins speaking, making eye contact, and relating more appropriately with clinic staff after she is socially transitioned by her family. Ehrensaft muses, "“Could gender be an alleviator for the stressors of autism?”

She is not the only one to pontificate about the magical changes a gender transition brings on autistic children. Norman Spack (the first clinician in the US to use GnRH agonists on gender dysphoric children as puberty-suppressing drugs) claims in a coauthored, peer-reviewed 2012 paper (insults upon insults, in the Journal of Homosexuality) that in his clinical experience the symptoms of comorbid diagnoses--including "problems with social competence"-- "decrease and even disappear" with gender treatment. In the same paper, this passage appears:

Although the question of whether gender dysphoria is simply a symptom of an autism spectrum disorder has been raised by mental health clinicians in the field, we feel it is equally worth questioning the validity of an autism diagnosis among transgender youth, particularly of those diagnosed with Asperger’s disorder. Perhaps the social awkwardness and lack of peer relationships common among GID-Asperger’s patients is a result of a lifetime of feeling isolated and rejected; and maybe the unusual behavior patterns are simply a coping method for dealing with the anxiety and depression created from living in an “alien body,” as one patient described it.

Do autistic trans people-- who rightfully protest against mainstream autism organizations focusing on a "cure" for autism rather than respectful accommodations for our differences and medical needs-- know that very well-connected, very respected, and very powerful gender doctors are claiming that gender transition cures the symptoms of autism? Do autistic trans people-- who rightfully discuss the implications of denying that someone can both be autistic and hold a meaningful gender variant identity-- know that it is an active clinical debate as to whether or not their disability and all its struggles is "just" a result of somehow ending up in the "wrong body"?

If they do not, they should know that this is how doctors are perceiving the pervasive issues that the children in their care are having: not as the result of a life-long, stigmatized, but eminently livable disability, but as the result of a mystical gender failure that can be medically corrected. That essentially, the disability "goes away" so long as outsiders no longer perceive a problem with a child's conformity to gender norms. That either an autistic girl somehow is transfigured into a non-autistic child through transition, or more likely, an autistic girl's autistic behavior is unfitting for her as a girl but not for her as a boy. That the "proof" of pediatric transition's effectiveness and standard of an autistic child's happiness is how much the child wishes to participate in neurotypical society on neurotypical society's terms.

I cannot pretend that this isn't ludicrously disrespectful to autistic people, or that it isn't a total erasure of our experience as human beings. To these gender doctors, the fact that a girl might see the world in a different way and care about different things and thereby struggle in a world not made for her does not matter whatsoever, except maybe as a tokenistic "journey" she can go on alongside her wonderfully progressive and affirming doctors. What "autism" is for them is a particularly severe and inconvenient social adjustment problem which can be forcibly corrected through body modifications, should an autistic child or adult rightly note that they can't do gender right and this is causing problems for them. They are more interested-- like in a long history of abusive and even deadly "treatments" for autism-- in correcting the problem for them than for the autistic person. How convenient for neurotypical people both the gender incongruous behavior and the social noncompliance goes away once you medically modify a child to look like the other sex.

I cannot be anything but sick that "increased eye contact" is a sign an autistic child needed medical meddling in the intimate process of navigating and negotiating their sexual and gender development. I cannot trust that these doctors aren't missing enormous parts of their autistic patients' experiences, if this is what they are so gleeful to report as a positive transformation and their justification for disrupting and surveilling children's bodies. What do they think of autistic people and those who are gender non-conforming if they are so willing to believe that existing as a person with a stigmatized disability is actually just a misdiagnosis for the pseudoscientific condition of being a man in a woman's body, or vice versa?

----- 

5.

It takes many, many years and quite a bit of luck and support for most autistic people to fully understand and come to terms with how their autism affects them and sets them apart from both individual neurotypical people and neurotypical society at large. It takes years-- often far, far into adulthood, especially for those abused under a medical model or for those who went decades undiagnosed-- to understand the differences between social and non-social aspects of this disability.

It takes years to not resort to chalking up all of your own distress and difficulties to being a "retard".

I have not met an autistic woman yet who did not have extreme difficulty integrating her autistic differences in values with a broader sense of self that includes whatever version of herself she uses to navigate a world in which women's values are simultaneously invisible (since she has no right to determine them herself) and nitpicked to death (since it is important she complies).

In a world like this why would it not be difficult for autistic people to know when it is they are being fooled or exploited while participating in transgender communities or while seeking transgender health care? Autistic people-- especially those who are dependent on caregivers or health systems for basic care, as well as those who depend on the goodwill of their families, employers, or welfare benefit institutions to remain as independent as they can-- have to make continual compromises just to maintain enough acceptability to communicate with the outside world nonetheless do things like "make a friend", "go to the doctor", "find a job".

I do not think neurotypical people understand or care that when I speak or write it is always with a similar effort as with a second language. Language-- whether it is verbal or nonverbal, with all the extensive symbology of the neurotypical world-- does not ever get to be something other than "translation" for me. As someone with an Asperger's-profile of abilities who has studied the neurotypical world intensely for years, I have the opportunity to translate in a way that allows others to understand me at least some of the time. Many autistic people who are more affected live in the world which gives "autism" its name, where nobody cares to do the translation for us and we are left totally and utterly alone.

The 20th century philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein (who, perhaps not coincidentally, was likely autistic) was fixated on questions about the meaning of communication. About whether a language of one could make any sense, about what it would mean to speak about something hidden from everyone else or perhaps even ourselves. In a famous passage debated vociferously, he wrote, "If a lion could speak, we would not be able to understand him."

Many have resolved the question posed by this statement by claiming that for fuck's sake, a lion is a lion, and has nothing to say.

-----

6.

Gender transition appealed to me because it was cloaked in the farcical notion that there was some version of me and my body that could finally speak directly. I never quite understood the whole Adam and Eve story as an autistic child-- just don't eat it!-- but if there truly were a serpent's apple for autistic folks it would consist of this promise: that there was a world where the glass and the fog would dissolve, that we weren't covered in a repulsive and bumbling slime made of our own desires to understand, that instead of our words and hands glancing off the skin of everyone around us we could do that magic everyone else could and hold someone's heart in our hands. I was fooled because like many struggling autistic people, I wanted the problem to be me. Because then it was fixable. I would let them take my only body (which was such a sensory drag) to convert me into one of these blessed transponders that normal people were, receiving and sending all these messages like shooting stars blazing through the unimpeded vacuum of space. Without my femaleness and without the Difficulties That Should Not Be Named, I could send whatever message I wanted to whoever I wanted and it would be received, I could be gregarious, important, sexually compelling; my will and autonomy wouldn't be stifled by 140 pounds of dumpy, itchy flesh with an overbite and slack hands.

When I imagined myself as a man I didn't imagine myself like most of the childhood boys I managed to ingratiate myself with, who lisped, repeated themselves, and tripped over their own shoes. I imagined myself as a musician who was absolutely magnetic, I imagined myself as a writer with a legacy, I imagined myself telling other guys they were stupid shits and they could fuck off. I imagined being able to hold onto a football without dropping it, being able to smoke weed without getting a migraine, being able to talk without squeaking or letting out a little drool.

I thought I would finally be a human being with no embarrassments and nothing that could get me bullied in the bathroom between class. I thought when I would say "no", other people would listen. I would enter whatever mystical world it is that Ehrensaft names, made of messages and meanings, where every twist of word and piece of clothing said something, connected by a fine filament back to that Necronomicon filled with the runes of social symbology. And it would make sense.

I would become a lion, not a house cat. And the lion would speak. And we would understand him.

-----

7.

It is a neurotypical narrative that this is what transition can do for you, because it is what someone else's transition does for neurotypical people. A gender transition is magical because it decodes the lion. It unriddles the sphinx. The autistic person must be happier now, because the neurotypical person is happier now. (And who has an empathy deficit?)

But if I have learned to be afraid of anything as an autistic person it is not my own neuroticism and fixations, but those of the so-called "normal people". Forget double helix rainbows: being an autistic person is like your DNA is a converted school bus trundling through the world in spray-painted glory and the whole world has an HOA. I understand why autistic people who see themselves as transgender see "concern" as the busybody stupidity of the neurotypical world. They aren't wrong. But it exists alongside other mundane and brutal busybody stupidities, such as grant funding, progressive saviorism, and psychiatric god-complexes.

To understand and resist what the neurotypical world communicates to us about our worth is not to protest back to them in their own language. I am an autistic woman and like many other autistic women I am tired of not only making myself more palatable but translating my existence into something intelligible to outsiders, who are both men and the non-autistic. Radical feminists miss one of these; trans activists and allies miss the other. But I am irrevocably othered from both.

When you are autistic you are taught only one symbolic structure. It is not your own, but it is the only medium you will ever have to communicate with any complexity. More sinisterly, it becomes the only medium we have to communicate to ourselves, the only medium we can use to work around the silent and jumbled parts of our bodies and minds. Am I hungry? It is not always obvious. To ask the question I find myself translating, even when alone.

My fantasy about lions and men was that whatever world a lion lived in and whatever he had to say, he did not need to translate, and especially never to himself. When a lion says something he does not stop to ask if he means what he says or who is saying it. When a lion looks into the water hole and sees his own reflection, he does not need to reconcile anything. The lion does not need to speak to understand himself. A lion is made of teeth and blood and claws and the lion just does.

I do not use the symbolism of transgenderism to explain the little gaps and incongruities that are my problems with gender, with my sexed body, with sexuality. It is not only a language born of neurotypical neuroses and regulation, but it is always and forever fundamentally a translation. As an autistic woman I have spent my whole life avoiding these dual facts, through both my time thinking of myself as trans and while trying to understand this whole thing afterwards: I am my body and I am not my body. Because I speak, but I do not understand. Because I understand, but I do not speak.

I will, unavoidably, always have to translate to speak and understand. But my autonomy requires that at bottom I must respect the native communication of my own body and mind. I refuse to use force or coercion to get it to talk, to interrupt its silence, to confabulate stories on its behalf, to speak for it using assumptions it cannot confirm or deny. I have to make peace with the fact that sometimes the blanks of my body or the redacted corners of my mind will say nothing. I have to make peace with the fact that translation is always inaccurate, that something is always beyond that constellation of symbols and words. The autistic body and the autistic mind have their own boundaries, and I refuse to believe that exercising my autonomy requires breaking them.

I do not know if J.K. Rowling knows this. I hope you do.

[f0rm0nsters]

For the ask game thingy if you're still doing it 👉👈

17. 10 of your biggest turn ons?

Sure!

These aren't necessarily going to constantly be in the same order or even always be my top ten bc I kinda cycle through kinks but the #1 is always the same and the top 5 are always somewhere on the list.

1. Monsters. Monsters and all that come with it. Like there's just so much potential in getting weird and finding solace in monsters is just Queer Culture. C'mon. It's in my username. The more monsterous the better (so long as it's like, y'know, able to consent) , but even something slightly different from a human like a vampire or w/e counts. You can see that a lot of my kinks just hold hands with monsters. Like you look at them and go 'yeah that checks out'.

2. On the same vein as monsters, tentacles/vines. Controversial opinion 1, we've evolved past the need for tentacle r*pe porn, we enthusiastically throw ourselves at the squirmy masses and lose ourselves in many limbed hug-fucks, and controversial opinion 2) vines are just better tentacles. Next.

3. Not sure if this counts but I'm like really really into oral. I want to eat cunt and suck cock so bad. I'm starving. Feed me your cum. I've also got this weird fixation on balls that I'm only half convinced is just a sex thing and am half convinced is a weird manifestation of dysphoria but it's there.

4. Bondage. Rope bunny here. Let's move on.

5. Petplay! Love me some petplay. Usually lean lighter on it but it's still one of my absolute favourites. Dunno how well I could handle wearing most collars though bc I'm sensitive about my neck + sensory issues but oh y'know >///>

6. Frot, especially junk-to-junk frot. Rarely feel super bottom dysphoric about not having a penis (I do get dysphoric about not having a prostate oddly enough, call that bottom dysphoria) but thinking about frot will do that to me. Then again it's not always bad bc there's this one image of a T4T m/f couple where the guy's tcock is pressed up against the trans girl's junk and that image makes me so weak it's burned into my fucking soul it HAUNTS me how much I want. Frot between transguys also very good. I've also seen frot between trans guys and cis guys and it also hits but personally I lean T4T so I got my preferences it does not Hit The Same as the aforementioned image burned into my soul.

7. Size difference. What can I say. I'm tiny (would probably feel more dysphoric about it if people in my ethnic group weren't already like, tiny by comparison to most in the west). Almost everyone around me is bigger than I am. Also maybe falls into a manhandling kink. Definitely overlaps into the monster kink. I also like the idea of tiny doms as well. Size difference just good.

8. Clothed or semi clothed sex. Bonus points if the sub is entirely naked and the dom has like, idk, their panties pushed aside or their fly open. Or even completely clothed and is just playing with their fingers or smth. Good shit.

9. Toys and toy games! I want toys so bad it's unreal but my living condition doesn't allow for it, and I want toys used during sex and between partners and not just alone time! Whether that's the classic old vibe controller, the Dildo Line, or just having to play in front of someone. Also straps are sexy as fuck, whether I'm wearing one or being fucked by someone wearing one. Multicolored dick that doesn't even have to look like a normal dick that I can detach at will? Epic and sexy. Bonus points if it's enby or transmasc strap, again cis girls are fine but I Have My preference.

10. Biting. Weird thing about me, I have a strong aversion to kisses (there is something Wrong With Me). But bites? Bites are fine. Teeth barely brushing against the skin good. Gentle nibbles good. Bite-suckling good. Rough bites good. Bites are just good. Please do not kiss me. Also goes into rough sex but oh y'know this list is long enough as is.