#back after a literally traumatizing august

[nosebleedclub]

September Prompts

1. everything matters 2. house key 3. bread 4. college football season (again) 5. school bag 6. willow street 7. disappointed father 8. seaward 9. relapse 10. ruination 11. trilogy 12. asters & goldenrod 13. lamprey 14. final rites 15. trespassing 16. below 17. not a lover 18. study group 19. vantage 20. rosary 21. questions to ask your mother 22. observer 23. cool nights 24. ultimatum 25. lonely boy 26. burning field 27. glancing blow 28. harvest moon 29. the empty homes 30. warm colors

[gojotojis]

Butterfly pt. 1

part two

This story will contain sexual assault, I beg you not to read if it will trigger you.

summary: you’re spiraling after a traumatic sexual experience and the only person that sees it is your neighbor.

pairing: gojo satoru x fem reader

content MDNI: mentions of sexual assault, sexual assault, alcohol abuse, depression, anxiety, drugs, ptsd, trauma, age gap, mentions of death/murder via movies

Note: this is actually so personal to me so pls be kind. this is a genuine depiction of my assault, this is me coping. I am in no way glorifying or romanticizing sexual assault, again this is my story. Writing is when I feel most safe and we are all strangers so I’m okay sharing this. Any hate, blame or criticism will be immediately blocked. Also virginity is a social construct.

April

You had been so eager to give away your virginity, and he seemed so nice. He knew all the right things to say, how to make you feel like he really liked you.

He said he was a virgin which made you feel safe and comfortable enough to sleep with him. It started out as kissing which led to more.

You couldn’t help how nervous you were, frozen until he was flipping you onto your stomach. You became terrified when you felt him nudging at your back entrance.

“No,” you breathe, your heart hammered in your chest. You swatted at him but he forced your hands down.

“Please stop” you beg as you tried to squirm away, crying as you felt him pushing into you, tearing you open. You screamed, it was painful and he pulled away.

Your fingers swiped where he hurt you and blood coated them. You crawled away from him until you were grabbing your clothes and running away.

You’re traumatized, but it only worsens when you ignore him for days and he blows your phone up calling you a slut, ugly, fat and a whore.

He spams your phone with videos of him having sex with other girls, him telling you how you don’t compare and that he lied about being a virgin.

You feel like shit, and he pushes it further when he spams your Instagram and messages your friends, flirting with them and saying awful things about you.

You finally block him but the damage is done.

You loved reading more than anything but when a sex scene comes, you’re taken back to that night and the book is ruined.

You can still feel him forcing himself inside of you, it’s like it won’t stop. You cry in the shower, scrubbing your skin till it’s red and raw, hating yourself, blaming yourself for letting this happen.

For being so desperate that you gave something so intimate away to someone so awful.

You tell no one, too ashamed and disgusted with yourself .

Beginning of August

You climb up the stairs, AirPods on full volume with a Mitski song playing. Your fingers tap against your thigh as you hum to yourself.

You’re not paying attention, letting out a small ‘hmph’ when you collide with soemthing hard and fall to the floor on your butt. You’re embarrassed as you look up at the tall man looking down at you.

His hands outstretch to you as his mouth moves but you can’t hear anything over your AirPods. You spot his phone beside you, and grab it. You don’t take his hand as you stand up on your own but you do hand him his phone.

He’s peculiar to say the least, he’s always either wearing a black flindfold or sunglasses, today he’s wearing the blindfold. You have the urge to ask him why he wears it but that’s invasive and rude.

He moved in two months ago right across from you. He’s usually gone for days on end but when he is home, he’s always asking to borrow something from you whether it’s sugar, milk or eggs.

It’s slightly annoying but you’re too scared to tell him, you wonder if he’s ever heard of a grocery store.

His lips are still moving so you pull your AirPods out. “Huh?” You ask, furrowing your brows and lips parting

“Are you okay?” He asks and you nod staring up at him. You think he must be blind, literally and feel actually awful.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve been paying attention,” you say and then it dawns on you, what if he doesn’t go to a grocery store because he can’t see. You start overthinking and guilt racks through you.

“It’s my fault really, what are you listening to?” he asks, you’re confused how he knows you’re listening to music but then again it was blasted. You hold your phone up to him and then internally slap yourself. “Mitski, it’s called I bet on losing dogs,” you explain and he nods.

“I love that song,” he says and your eyes widen, he doesn’t look like he listens to her.

“What’s your favorite song?” You ask, genuinely curious. “What’s yours?” He asks and you don’t know why that makes you laugh for the first time in months. “I bet on losing dogs,” you say.

“That’s my favorite too,” he says, and you wonder if he’s flirting with you. Part of you blushes but the other part of you panics. Does he just want to sleep with you and hurt you? You try to shove the thought down, he asked a simple question.

“I should get going” you say staring at your shoelaces.

“See you around y/n” he says before he’s walking off and you wonder how he knows your name, you never once shared it with him and he’s never shared his.

Mid August

Your head tips back, eyes rolling. The sound of music drowns out as you feel yourself nearly seizing from the red and purple strobe lights. You’ve lost count of how many times you’ve blacked out, your mouth tastes disgusting and your throat burns. The cause of it, lying in a puddle on the floor.

You lift your head up, to try and comprehend your surroundings. The girl beside you leans down, holding a rolled up dollar and snorts the thin white line off the table.

She sniffs and turns to you, offering you the dollar, you vowed to never touch that shit but part of you wonders if it’ll make you feel good, the way the alcohol does.

Your brains screaming no, begging you to leave but your fingers grasp it and she dumps more onto the table. She lines it up with a credit card and you hesitantly lean down, you choke a little as you snort it and sniff.

You slump against the sofa and slowly feel it take its effect. Your body feels so fucking heavy, it’s like you’re wearing a meat suit. You lift your fingers up and watch as they multiply when you wiggle them around, the girl pulls you up and drags you to the dance floor.

You’re like a rag doll in her arms as she makes you dance. Your head tilts back staring at the ceiling and you laugh, it’s dark and intoxicated. The music suddenly feels amplified and you’re clutching your ears, so fucking overstimulated and you panic, feeling the bodies grinding against you.

Your eyes water when you feel hands grip your waist from behind and they press against you. You’re pulling away from them and stumbling through the crowd, fighting your way to the exit.

Fresh air hits your lungs the moment you step outside and you inhale, closing your eyes.

Home, you have to go home.

You ignore the several people that ask if you’re okay as you stumble down the sidewalk, heels clicking against the pavement.

Relief fills you at the sight of your apartment building, once you reach it, you’re climbing the stairs until you miss a step and fall down. Your head smacks against the floor and little black spots cloud your vision.

“Fuck!” you hear, almost certain it’s your mind playing tricks on you until you feel large and warm hands gripping your face. Their touch is like electricity against your skin.

“Please let me die,” you mutter as a familiar blind folded face comes into view. He’s waving a finger infront of you and you go cross eyed.

“What did you take?” He tries to ask you but your hearing is muffled. His face is blurred but you can make out his lips moving.

You lift your arms up and reach for his face, your fingers graze over his lips and he stills. They’re soft and pink.

His hand gently grabs your wrist and moves your arm back down to your sides. His head tilts like he’s studying you as your vision slowly recovers along with your hearing.

“Can you hear me?” He asks and you nod weakly. He sighs before you feel his arm hook under your knees and the other around your back. He lifts you up and you shake against him.

“Please don’t hurt me,” you beg, his brows furrow but he doesn’t say anything. You’re trembling as he walks you to his apartment. He’s gonna hurt you, he’s gonna trap you and hurt you.

You squirm in his hold until you’re out of his arms and sliding down the wall. You cover your face and pull your knees to your chest. His hand touches your knee and you scoot away. He immediately retracts it.

“I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise” he says as you peek between your fingers. His expression is so genuine, and concerned but he’s a man and you don’t trust them. Your brain feels like it’s working overtime trying to think as he lifts his pinky up.

“Please let me help you,” he says, his voice is soft as he kneels infront of you. Your shaky hand reaches toward his and your pinky wraps around his.

He smiles gently, and helps you up. He unlocks the door and guides you inside. You’re too fucked up to take in his apartment.

He pours a glass of water and hands it to you, before he’s handing you two pills of advil. Your pupils are dilated and you look so out of it, your breath reeks of vomit and vodka.

He’s not use to this, any of it. He’s never been in this situation and it’s frustrating because he wants to help you, he knows there’s an underlying reason why you shake and flinch from his touch. The way your eyes survey all exits and keep distance between you two.

Everytime he’s seen you in the halls, you’re listening to music in your own little world with your head down. You’re always shy, and timid.

“You can take my bed and I’ll take the floor,” he says not wanting to leave you alone incase you have a concussion.

Your throat tightens at the idea of sleeping in his bed, at falling unconscious where he can so easily hurt you but you’re tired, so fucking tired.

You hug yourself as you attempt to walk into the only bedroom in the apartment. You slowly climb into the bed, curling into a ball. He watches you from the doorframe, trying to make sense of what his eyes can’t tell him.

When morning comes, you’re gone.

September

You sigh, sifting through your purse for your keys. You push through several empty travel bottles of vodka and tampons, coming up empty. You hear two things behind you, keys jingling and a meow.

You turn around, one hand is holding your keys while the other has a black kitten pressed against his chest. You only care about the kitten at this point, you look up at him and he’s smiling at you.

“You dropped your keys,” he says but you’re itching to touch the fur ball in his arms.

“What’s it’s name?” You whisper not wanting to scare it.

“Dunno, just found him outside,”he says and you slowly reach out, petting the baby. It’s little mouth let’s out the most broken meow but it’s fierce and you smile.

“Are you gonna keep it?” You ask and he shakes his head making you frown. He walks toward his door and starts unlocking it.

“I can’t, I work too much” he says, opening his door. He walks inside, leaving the door open. You awkwardly stand there before peeking inside. You feel embarrassed about the events from two weeks ago, you’ve avoided him since. You can’t imagine what he must think of you.

You slowly walk inside, fingers clutching the ends of your oversized sweater anxiously. He sets the little guy on the floor and you immediately shut the door not wanting him to runaway.

“He’s gonna need formula,” you say, carefully dropping to your knees. You pull your hair from its ponytail and fling the tie across the floor. You giggle watching the cat dart after it.

You feel his eyes on you as absurd as it may sound considering the blind fold but you do. His lips twitch as he watches you play with the kitten.

“What’s your name?” you ask, something that’s been on your mind lately.

“Satoru, Satoru Gojo,” he says and you hum. It’s pretty.

“Thank you, for the other night. I’m sorry I kind of lost it on you,” you say, watching the cat run at you as your hand drags across the floor like a spider before it tickles him. His little feet kick at your wrist but it’s like a feather hitting you.

“That happen often?” He asks.

“No” you lie, admittedly you usually stop before you get super fucked up and you hadn’t touched coke till then. He doesn’t push and you’re grateful for it.

“So what’s the song of the day?” He asks and your brows furrow, arms chasing after the cat who starts running sideways.

“You must have another song you like,” he says shrugging.

“K. by Cigarettes After Sex, let me guess. That’s your favorite song of theirs too,” you say and he smiles.

“It’s like you’re stalking me,” he says and you laugh, it’s the cutest thing he’s ever heard, more so than the little creature that’s clawing his way up your thighs. His claws hooking into your jeans, determined to get you.

“Favorite album?”He asks and you indulge him.

“That’s hard, there’s so many,” you say, pulling the cat off before he can claw up your sweater.

“Top five,” he says making it slightly easier for you.

“Brand new eyes by paramore, all lana del rey albums, Trilogy by The Weeknd, anything FKA twigs and Wiped out by the neighborhood. You?” You ask and he shrugs, leaning against the doorframe to his bedroom.

“I don’t listen to music,” he says and your face scrunches, musics your love language and your safety net. It speaks and conveys what you can’t.

“Not one song?” And he shakes his head. His life must be so lonely and boring, you frown.

“I did listen to that Mistki song though, depressing much?” He asks and you roll your eyes.

“Well, yes but that’s what makes it so good,” you say and he doesn’t argue. You wish you could see his eyes, eyes speak a thousand words.

“Favorite movie?” He asks, this is sadly the most anyone’s ever asked about you, you feel guilty that part of you is living for this attention.

“Bones and All, Suspiria, Django Unchained, Dune and Pearl,” you say.

“I’m seeing a pattern here,” he says and you raise a brow. “You don’t listen to music but you watch movies? And what may that be?” You ask. The little voice in the back of your head is begging you to go home, he’s only doing this to get in your pants, why else.

“Nah but one of my students seen some of them, I’ve heard all about Pearl and her axe,” he says, watching the kitten swat your hair tie around.

“She’s just a girl,”you shrug, and his lips tug into a smirk. You don’t like the feeling that takes over, the butterflies that swarm your stomach. Handsome doesn’t do him justice, he’s beautiful even when you can’t see his eyes. From his undercut to his jaw, and his tall lanky stature, he carries himself like he’s the highest predator up the food chain. It’s not threatening, it’s…sexy.

“I forgot American Psycho” you add and his eyebrows raise nearly to his hairline before he’s bursting into laughter.

“What? It’s hilarious satire and Christian Bale is…hot,” you say. He wants to ask you a question but thinks better of it, this is the most you’ve ever spoke and he doesn’t want it to end.

“Are you a teacher?” you ask, lingering on what he said moments ago.

“Yeah, you?” he asks. You dropped out of college, feeling too stupid and incompetent, in all honesty you’ve never seen a future for yourself and it feels embarrassing.

“Bookstore,” you say.

“So you like books?” he asks and you give him a look that screams ‘duh’.

“I do, I’d tell you my favorite book but you probably already know it since it’s yours too,” you say as the kitten comes running at you. You gently slide him across the floor and he runs back, loving it.

“Guilty, but you should probably tell me just incase we aren’t on the same page,” he says, you hate the smiles he keeps making appear on your face.

“Normal People”you say, you wonder why he wants to know all these things and what they matter to him.

“It’s like we’re the same person,” he says, you wonder if this works on the girls. You don’t want it to work on you.

“He looks like a Salem,” you say looking at the black cat that’s just obsessed with you.

“I think he’s found his mom,” Gojo says and you want to argue against it but you don’t because he’s right, you’re keeping him.

End of September

You sit on the couch with Salem curled in your lap and a bowl of popcorn beside you, you’re ready to start the movie until someone’s knocking on your door. You feel your anxiety fester but push it down.

You carry the kitten as you walk to the door and look through the peep hole. Your breathing hitches at the sight of Gojo in sunglasses, you swear he hasn’t been home in two weeks but like he said he’s always working.

Now that you think of it, that’s so odd. He’s a teacher who’s never home and works odd hours. You try not to overthink it as you open the door.

Gojo beams at you and the little guy in your arms. He reaches out and starts scratching underneath Salems little chin which sends him into a purring fit.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hey,” you answer, unsure of what else to say.

“What are you doing?” He asks.

“I was gonna watch a movie,” you say looking back at the lit tv screen, but you remember he can’t see.

“Pearl?” He asks and you’re slightly eager to put it on for him. Your life is lonely, you’ve stopped talking to everyone. Your bestfriend pushed you away months ago and nobodies really cared to see that you’re okay. Your mom and grandma constantly call but you can only take so much criticism.

You try to contemplate the pros and cons. Gojos been nothing but nice, he’s slightly funny and because of him you have Salem. Cons: he’s flirty and a man. Your stomach stirs, and your body tenses as you open your mouth.

“Would you like to watch it with me?” you ask, trying not to let your mind wander off to that dark place in your head.

“Okay,” he says and you step back, letting him enter your dim apartment. He takes his shoes off and looks around, taking in the hues of greens, browns and white along with the various plants that take up space.

There’s a picture of you as a little girl with two other kids that look just like you, a boy and girl on the wall, some family photos, graduation picture and baby pictures. You were so adorable, still are.

Your place is a contrast to his. His is fairly empty with a few hints of grey, white and navy.

He sits on the opposite end of the couch as you put on Pearl, Salem leaves you to cuddle in Gojos lap. Traitor.

“Song of the day?” he asks before you start the movie.

“Good to love by FKA twigs” you say and hit play.

You usually hate when someone talks during a movie but you’re desperately wanting to know his thoughts during every scene. He laughs through most of it,

“Did she really just set her mom on fire and then leave to go have sex?” He asks, you bite your lip. “She’s just a girl,” you say and he shakes his head. You reach into the bowl for popcorn and feel his fingers graze yours, his touch is like static and you get goosebumps. You pull away as subtly as possible, you hope you don’t give off the wrong message by all of this.

“She’s deranged,” he says as she stabs the projectionist with a pitchfork repeatedly.

“Christ, who gave this girl an alligator,”he says when Pearl pushes the man’s car into a pond and an alligator eats at his remains.

By the time the movies over, he’s leaving. He says he has to work in the morning but he types away at his phone before handing it to you, your names written on a contact, waiting for your number.

You try to hide your surprise and hesitantly type your number in.

October

Gojo: song?

you: Haunted by Beyonce

Gojo: starting to think you’re working for the government

you: how so

Gojo: only a fed would know all my favorite songs

you: you sound crazier than pearl

Gojo: utterly insane

You enjoy Gojo’s company, still hesitant but he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him.

Mid October

You hum to The Party and the After Party by The Weeknd, sending a link to Gojo as you walk.

You: song of the century

Read at 8:08pm

You’ve been crafting a playlist for him, you’re embarrassed by it though, what if he thinks it’s lame. You title it ‘Peals Greatest Hits’ and make the cover a picture of pearl with a pitchfork, you think he’ll laugh at that.

It’s nice having a friend again.

You wait for Gojo to respond but he doesn’t, he’s probably busy. This time he’s been gone for three days and you don’t question it. You’ve managed to learn little things about him, he’s told you about his students Megumi, Yuji, and Nobara.

He even raves about his students from last year, Toge, Yuta, Maki and a student he simply calls P, you tried to ask what the P stands for and he said Pedro which you laughed, kind of an uncommon name here but you don’t push it.

He’s mentioned his family and the pressure they’ve put on him, how he’s like the golden child of his family.

He actually laughed when you asked if he was blind, your cheeks heated up as he told you he has really bad sensitivity with his eyes which still made you feel bad for him.

You reach your building and start your walk upstairs, eager to see your cat but stop when you reach the top. You’re not sure why it bothers you when you see Gojo with a woman going inside his apartment. She’s pretty, sharp features and glossy eyes. A mole under her right eye. You wait for them to go inside before you make your way to your apartment.

Maybe you’re a creep but you stare through the peephole for what feels like hours, waiting for her to leave but she never does. You wonder if Gojo has a girlfriend, wouldn’t he have mentioned it? But then again he’s a man, when do they ever.

End of October: Halloween

You try not to feel insecure in your pink tights and red bodysuit, this is the most revealing you’ve looked since before that night.

You watch as a row of lemon drop shots line up infront of you, the girls you’ve made friends with since you came in, all cheer and clap as you knock back shot after shot. You order six more courtesy of your blonde friends tab, the bar tenders hesitant but you bat your lashes and just like that you’re getting your way.

The liquor helps to take away from the insecurities, you stop worrying if your stomachs too big or your arms too bulky and relax. Several hands pull you to the dance floor and you dance with them, one of the girls hands you a blunt and you smoke it. You spend the night smoking and drinking till you’re absolutely fucking cross faded.

Once you’re at your apartment building, you’re literally crawling up the stairs. You stop when two sets of shoes come into your view, you slowly look up to Gojo and the woman from two weeks ago looking down at you.

“Should we call someone?” The woman asks.

“Nah, she’s mine,” Gojo says pulling you up off the floor. You stumble backwards but he catches you before you fall, pulling you toward him.

“I’ll see you later” the woman says, walking off and he nods. He’s scooping you up into his arms.

“What are you suppose to be?” He asks.

“Scarwit bitch” you slur and he laughs.

“Scarlett Witch?” He asks and you nod.

You’re disappointed when he takes your keys and opens your apartment door. He carries you to your bedroom.

“What did you do, rob Barbie?” he asks looking around your pink room, you’re too tired to comment as he sets you down on your bed.

He brushes your hair out of your face.

“Thanks Toru,” you whisper.

November

Gojo: you hungry?

You: yes…

Gojo: what do you want to eat?

You: pizza, meat lovers and Hawaiian.

Gojo: pineapple on pizza? we have to find a dealbreaker eventually

Gojo: in or out?

You: in

Half an hour passes and there’s a knock on your door. You open it to Gojo with two boxes of pizza, he sets them down while you grab plates.

“song?” He asks, he hasn’t missed a day and you don’t know that he’s made a playlist with each one you give him.

“Kimdracula by deftones,” he subtly adds the song to his playlist as you open up the box. Your belly rumbles as you take a slice of each.

He wastes no time, eating while you take little nibbles. You don’t like eating infront of people, not after being so degraded on your body by the only person that’s seen it naked. Your appetite sours and you set your pizza down.

“Do want to watch X? It’s the technical sequel to Pearl,” you say, he couldn’t give a shit about that deranged girl but you like her so he likes her.

He nods and you wash the pizza grease from your hands, he does the same and you both are moving to the couch. Salem jumps up, of course he picks Gojo as you shuffle through your movie selection before clicking on X.

You feel your face redden forgetting they’re literal fucking pornstars filming porn.

“She looks exactly like Pearl, what the fuck,” he says and you laugh.

You subtly look away, during the sex scenes. They aren’t unbearable but it’s just uncomfortable for you.

“Like sixty years later and she’s still creepy as shit” he says when it gets to the scene of Pearl staring over Maxine while she sleeps.

Gojo actually leans forward pushing his sunglasses up, utterly engrossed in the movie as everyone starts getting killed off one by one. He cringes at Lorraine’s death which you do too. And he cheers when Maxine runs over Pearls head.

“You can have Pearl, Maxine’s mine” he says making you roll your eyes.

“Guess you’ll be happy to know Maxine has her own movie coming out next year” you say.

“Oh we’re so seeing that,” he says and you internally smile but that little voice in the back of your head reminds you, he’s just a man.

You try to ignore it but you feel inclined to ask, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“What?” He asks with his brows raised.

You actually feel silly asking the question, because how are you supposed to casually mention the girl you’ve seen him with without sounding like a stalker.

“Just asking,” you say innocently.

“Nah, I never have the time for that stuff. Ive been on dates but that’s about it,” he says and you can’t help that words that blurt out.

“So you’re a virgin?” you internally slap yourself once the words leave your lips.

“No” he says laughing at how hard you’re blushing.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be invasive” you say and he shakes his head.

“It’s fine,” he’s hesitant to ask but he does.

“Are you a virgin?” he asks and tears roll down your cheeks.

[crushedsweets]

OK I NEED TO CLEAR MY ASKBOX

IM JUST GONNA ANSWER A TON OF THEM HERE SO I DONT CLOG UP MY FEED....

hi >.<

this is so fucking sweet i remembered how happy i was when i first got my car. i cried everyday for a week straight because i was so happy. very glad yall got to watch me get my first car. i spend over an hour in her every day commuting now. LMFAOOO (i named her lindsay btw) ((after tdi lsinday)). im so sorry im late but thank you so much this meant sm !!! <3

you asked me this in august im evil oh my god. anyway i aagree. but i am always inclined to forever think he's a midwest emo guy. twin sized mattress forever

SHE NEEDS AND DESERVES SO MANY.

im immediately inclined to say clocky or toby the second i see time and fire mentions. so ticciwork. my clocky is often a bit messy so she'd be pissed and angry and upset over the sort of war she's found herself in, especially as she sees toby just falling deeper into it. 'my god, was i oblivious?' when she finally realizes toby will always, always put Slenderman before her. frustrating. 'hell stays hungry for a world so weak' natalie is hungry for a good world, but she thinks everyone is too weak for goodness, meanwhile toby is hungry for power so he can make everyone else seem weak. etc. 'they only want you to bleed' they being slendy, operator, zalgo, etc etc etc... power, being a pawn, fighting, using humans as toys in a battlefield, etc etc.. yeah

RELEASE ME JOEY

i genuinely think nina is a really good influence on so many of the creeps. like theyre all assholes, traumatized, refuse to believe in the good in the world, etc etc. but nina is traumatized and still kickin. she comes in like ^_^ hello chat. and i think that, while its still important to feel the shitty feelings, it's really grounding to see someone whos just so .. able to be happy. idk. someone who SEEKS joy, rather than expects it to fall into their lap, and blames the world when it doesnt

this si perfect idk why i forgot about bats for him. gotta get back into this idea

AHHH OK I WILL DO MORE EVENTUALLY i just wanna say thank yewww i think theyre such a good sibling dynamic. like little brothers and big sisters and both being little assholes to eachother but would die for the other. idk. ugh. important to me.

actually this sounds really sweet..... thats funny cuz i was JUST talking to a friend about who i would have EJ go endgame with if i had to, but i couldnt settle on anyone. but liu seems like a good fit for ej. i think they'd be super sweet

ANON ME TOO AHHHH ITS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE FUCKING THING EVER. I DONT GAF ABOUT EVIL MEAN 'CANON' SLENDER I LOVE WHEN HE'S A DAD AND WORRIES AND STRESSES. IEPFB AND KASTOWAYS SLENDY>

AH THANK YOU!!! he reminds me of my little cousins HAHA theyre like 10-14 right now and theyre all cuties.... just playing roblox and being mischievous...

THIS IS ABOUT THE BLUSHING NAT DRAWING ISNT IT AHAH OMG THANK YOU!!! i think shes so cute. i know she cant handle compliments. she's either deadpanned 'thanks' or just covers her face and says 'shut up' cuz she doesnt know what to do.

I LOVE HER TOO!!!

GOOD NEWS THEN ive drawn her a handful of times since u sent this HAHA TYSM

you sent like... natobina i think... ok tbh kinda slaps

OK REAL but also when i read it i keep reading it as 'cochina' and i cannot bring myself to name the throuple that </3 HAHA

TBH AHAHA I SEE IT. TOBYS AMETHYST GARNETS NATALIE AND NINA IS STEVEN.

i want jeff to ache in his loneliness

i need to draw connie asap but also THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN FOR THE CAR CONGRATS I REALLY APPRECIATE IT IM SO HAPPY I LOVE MY CAR SO MUCH i gotta go vaccuum her..

shes such a cat to me. feline. of sorts, if you will

also good news for you anon, i have also drawn her an ungodly amount of times since youve sent this. LOL

THEYRE MY ANGELS I HAVE MORE OF THEM !!! I LOVE THEM!! AHHHGGG

literally the second that people tell me i made them start to like clocky i am overwhelmed with joy. i feel so much ache when people aren't fond of her bc shes so fucking cool and such a good character and so much fun. so sad that 2015 era creepypasta fandom destroyed her. but im here to fix it...

IM SORRY ANON I BARELY DRAW HIM HES JUST SO BOYISH I LAUGH EVERYTIME I SEE HIM FKAHAHAAH OK OKOK ILL CHANGE ILL DRAW HIM I SWEAR

I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST STARTED DOING EMOJI ANONS BAHAHA u guys r funny

incredibly. happy. to do this to u.

nope! im not too interested in the 2021 nina just cuz i feel like i've seen that character concept many times (not just in jane), BUT if i had to do my own intepretation of her, 2021 nina would be INCREDIBLY immature in like. not a childish way, but an entitled, angry-fueled adult who cannot comprehend anyone else's thoughts/feelings. and thus, would despise OG nina (although within reason, OG nina idolizes the person who killed her family) . but even if there wasnt a good reason to dislike OG nina, she'd be mean. and OG nina would be mad and bitch. and theyd theyd fight. HAHA

I-IF...???????? ANON?

HELD TO THE FUCKING BRIM

[mousegard]

this june is the 4th anniversary of an eagle among lions. i should've made a post about it on june 8 but i was extremely busy moving to a new apartment and would have just as easily forgotten my own birthday

but instead of looking at how the fic began (shitposting about "mayo dimitri" in a discord chat with my beta reader @nolivar6136) i want to take a look at the last 11 chapters of this fic and the context in which they were written, and why i have always been so thankful for the enthusiastic reception eal received from my readers.

on monday, march 21, 2022, after publishing one of my favorite single chapters of the fic—desdinova's POV chapter, "the tears of god flow as I bleed" (a blue oyster cult reference, naturally)—i was abruptly let go from the marketing job i'd had since 2019 with no warning and no reason given.

i have had my suspicions as to why. the tech startup i had originally been hired by had been acquired the past year by its own sister company, and there was a growing sentiment from the original company's employees—who were increasingly becoming ex-employees—that the new company, now that it had acquired the old company's core technology and production facilities, no longer needed its people. in particular, rumor had it the higher-ups hadn't wanted anybody from the ancien regime on the company's marketing team. my old boss had already left of her own accord (i probably should have followed her; she'd been the best boss i'd ever had).

it was also likely that the company wanted to purge people who preferred remote work to in-office work. these suspicions came as a relief to me, because my termination had also come just over a week after offhandedly mentioning to the marketing team that i had a girlfriend before taking a week off to spend time with her (that's right, i was fired literally the day i came back from vacation), and the timing had felt suspicious. turns out my new boss wasn't homophobic, just an incompetent asshole working for other incompetent assholes!

but i digress. it had been my first time being let go from a job and my first time being unemployed, and i would continue being unemployed until august 2022. i don't need to tell you how awful being unemployed was. we all know how awful being unemployed is and how traumatic being fired from a job you love can be. the only bright side was that i had more time to write than ever before, and that was how i dragged an eagle among lions across the finish line. i wrote like it was my part-time job. i wrote like the comments from my readers could pay my rent, because telling this story to my readers and seeing them react to every crazy twist and turn the story took in its final act sustained my soul.

eal had an extraordinary cohort of regular commenters who would comment on every chapter, or almost every chapter, which is an exceptional rarity for fics on ao3. every chapter had some of the liveliest comments sections i've ever seen. the joy that came from sharing the story with such a responsive community was what gave me the strength to keep going. if i'd just been shouting out the story to a void, my motivation would have likely died out. i might not have ever managed to bring the story to a conclusion.

i think i've talked about how much i loved eal's commenters before, but i haven't shared the exact circumstances of eal's final arc and the specific way these enthusiastic readers and commenters made the most unbearable four months of my life tolerable. when i'd lost a sense of purpose in my life, they helped me hold onto one. they made this story feel worth telling. they made me feel as though it was worth it to do my best and drive the story to its best possible conclusion when hardly anything else in the world felt "worth" doing. when resume after resume vanished into the void and potential employers ghosted after one, two, or even three interviews, eal's commenters made it so that at least my magnum opus didn't feel like wasted effort, even when every single interview and job application did. when you're unemployed, your life feels meaningless. eal's readers made me feel like a rockstar.

even two years later, i'm still so happy and grateful to have met so many wonderful people through eal's comments sections.

thanks, everyone. i really appreciated it.

[tequiilasunriise]

WEDNESDAY SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT BC I JUST FINISHED:

-literally threw UP at every Male Love Interest Interaction, Enid making out with Ajax? Literally was enough to make me settle Wenclair as sunk LIKE IT WAS T H A T BAD AND IVE BEEN A HYPED WENCLAIR WARRIOR SINCE AUGUST

-THAT BEING SAID OH MY GOD WE WERE RIGHT WITH ENID TRANSFORMING AND PROTECTING WEDNESDAY LIKE A TOTAL BADASS

-Backtracking a lot,,, that wink Enid gave Wednesday in episode two made my heart ascend. So many Wenclair crumbs in ep 2

-I’m really glad Tyler was the killer bc it gave him some depth, like I kept hating him fer NOT GETTING THE HINT AND LEAVING WEDNESDAY ALONE but looking back his insistence on being close to her was more akin to manipulating her so he wont be suspected so im glad he got interesting near the end

-IM SO CURIOUS ON BIANCA’S BACKGROUND ARGAHRHH SEASON TWO TELLL MMEEE MOREEE I LOVE HER SO MUCH

-My heart broke when Eugene got attacked, even before Wednesday declared it I could tell she looked out after him bc he reminded her of Pugsley

-But when he expressed interest in Enid? Fucken Wednesday did not HESITATE to tell him his shot was less than one percent LIKE DAMNNN GIRLIE jealous much?

-“he breaks your heart, I’ll nail his” Wednesday ur so in love u dumbass, literally the first day u met this girl u supposedly hated u end up telling her your most vulnerable secret (crying for Nero)?

-Wednesday fell first, Enid fell harder Truthers rise UPPPP

-Enid walking out of the woods covered in blood and wounds from a super traumatic experience, first thing she asks is, “Where’s Wednesday?” Maam, are you aware how much she means to you?

-Talking to the taxidermed squirrel about how much you’ll miss it rather than directly speaking to Wednesday? Gay gay homosexual gay behavior

-Xavier,,,, no. You’re better than this, like cmon dude. Stop trying so fucken hard and take the hint, LIKE U DONT EVEN HAVE A GOOD REASON LIKE TYLER TO KEEP STICKINNG AROUND

-WHAT CHEMISTRY? WHERE?

-I demand more Yoko screentime.

-Still giggling on Enid wrecking Tyler’s Hyde ass in order to protect Wednesday like she fucken JUMPKICKED HIM and proceeded to maul him fer hurting her best friend totally

-Wenclair’s break up was so necessary tho like ARGH YES ENID STAND UP FER URSELF AND TELL WEDNESDAY SHE KEEPS FUCKING OVER UR BOUNDARIES

-I will give Xavier credit fer calling out Wednesday as toxic BUT he literally couldve stopped getting involved like WHY were u at the Gates Mansion that night its so,,,, weird

-Speaking of the Gates Mansion, LOVED Wednesday’s little stare when Enid busted the door open when Tyler couldnt, fucken gay gay homosexual gay

-Wednesday in general was so cute with her gift of the snood Enid made her, instead of outright speaking her mind that she dislikes the gift, she tries to compromise with a, “lets save this for a special occasion, like a funeral”

-Small moments where Wednesday is clearly softer fer Enid SUPREMACYYYY

-Another good example was even back in episode two where they ran with the flag together and Wednesday let Enid touch her and wrap an arm around her shoulders and shit as Enid cheered it was SO cute

-Wednesday’s bigass smile when Fester appeared??? I love Fester in general but ARGH I love their bond

-Also love Wednesday’s evolution with her relationship with Thing and his death scene??? Like Enid slayed with telling Wednesday to treat him better i swear Wenclair are just SO GOOD FER EACH OTHER

-SO MUCH MORE CHEMISTRY THAN THEIR MALE LOVE INTERESTS

-Enid’s parents weren’t exactly what we were expecting but they still sucked (yes by just standing there and letting his daughter constantly be shit on by her mom Enid’s dad still sucked a little) and I was a ‘Enid is an only child’ truther but slay guess she has brothers

-There’s SO MUCH to talk about bc this show had its ups and downs,,, but we all know the crowning moment of the show. The Hug™️. Jenna Ortega is praised fer her ability to convey so much emotion with her eyes, and GODDAMNIT THAT ENTIRE HUG SCENE WAS SO SOFT AND TENDER AND PERFECT IN EVERY ASPECT THAT BODY LANGUAGE FUCKEN KILLED ME ESP WITH WEDNESDAY’S WIDE EYED EXPRESSION FROM SHOCK TO TOTAL REALIZATION THAT SHE COULDVE LOST ENID AND IS CLINGING ON FER DEAR LIFE MY GOD I COULDNT HAVE IMAGINED A BETTER HUG SCENE

-The way Wednesday walks kinda pressed up to Enid as she talks about visiting her in San Fran,,, yeah your honor theyre in love and Hunter was right, we beed to fight fer Wenclair I DONT CARE ABOUT AJAX X ENID BEING CANON I DONT CARE ABOUT XAVIERS ASS WENCLAIR ALL THE WAYYY BABBYYY

[epicmilly]

oc lore!! (asked for by @written-in-the-stars135, go check her out she's super cool!!)

yapping under the cut vvv

so.. where to start?

Meet Amy! Her family moved to [insert town name] when she was six, and she's been living there ever since! She's super extroverted and is friends with about everybody. Amy loves music and baking (her cookies are literally the best) and plays her dad's guitar! She likes to think that she's an artist, but she's absolutely horrible. She tries.

Meet Max, Amy's next door neighbor and best friend! He's very, VERY shy but doesn't act like it around Amy. He's super kind and caring, and a little bit of a goofball. He's lived in [town name] his whole life, but before Amy his only friend was his older brother.

The day Amy moved in, Max knocked on her door to meet her, and they instantly clicked! During the summer they met, they hung out a bunch and played together a lot. I have a few scenes from when they were little planned out, if you want I can share those :D

Between when Amy moved in and the main story, there are lots of various scenes and stuff, also Amy's dad died when she was seven or eight. He was a musician and loved playing guitar, Amy picked up his guitar soon after his passing and discovered she was actually pretty good and she loves writing her own songs!

The story takes place when they are both in 9th grade (both of them are fourteen, Max's birthday is in February and Amy's in August). Amy starts having weird creepy dreams about this dark world and falling (it's all very vague and unplanned right now lol) and one day she gets all feverish and passes out in class and Max has to help walk/carry her home (they live like five minutes from the school and walk to and from school together). When she wakes up she learns she has psychic powers when she almost burns her house down.

Amy keeps having these odd dreams, full of her worst fears, when one night a bunny appears in her dream. The next morning, there's a bunny cuddling her in her bed. She names him Luna, and takes him in as a pet. A few days after getting him, Max starts appearing in her dreams, a creepy dude with a knife poised over him.

Then, Max disappears.

She goes on a quest into her nightmare world to find and save Max, Luna at her side and a bucket load of magic powers to discover. In the end, Amy ends up finding Max in this evil wizard/king (or something idk), brainwashed and a slave to his royal majesty. Max ends up dying or something and Amy gives up her life to save him with a rare power, not knowing if she'll make it out alive.

Max wakes up in his room, no memory of the king, but a bad feeling that something terrible had happened. He goes to Amy's house to tell her about it, but he can't find her. He tries calling her. No response. He does find Luna, who somehow made it back to Amy's room. Luna helps guide him to where Amy is found, laying peacefully. Max checks for a heartbeat.

Nothing.

Amy wakes up anyways lol, they go back to school and they totally don't get traumatized!

And uhh yeah that's kind of how it will play out? I'm sure you can tell how little I actually have planned, it's just a vague storyline right now, but I do have a lot of random but very specific scenes planned out if you'd like to hear! Just got to find a way to work them in to the story lol

And my very unreasonable dream is to eventually make a show.. but we'll see how that goes LOL

and thennnn here are a bunch of old drawings of them! I haven't drawn them much recently so ignore that the art is kinda bad on some of them

(the fluffy guy is @koterkot's oc pluto)

i don't think i've uploaded any of my fav drawings to my chromebook lol

but anyways yeah!! :D those are my lil sillies c:

[bradsmindbrain]

Madhouse Mike Headcanons

● Like the other romanceable characters, I see him as being either Pan or Bi, but in his case I’m leaning more towards the latter.

● His interpersonal skills are absolute dogshit, even when he was alive. His years of isolation have not helped at all, and a computer screen can only do so much.

● He feels... weird. Like an odd combination of fuzzy and slimy, not to mention cold to the touch.

● Aside from “Debbie,” possums, and the occasional ghost hunter, he was basically alone for the most part, But hey, it’s fine. It’s not fine.

● When it comes to Robyn, he is incredibly clingy, and usually stays close to them.

● Tends to bounce around in Robyn’s phone like a screensaver when he’s bored.

● The only things anyone’s seen him drink are soda, and on rare occasions, beer. The others are more concerned that he can drink at all.

● He and Taro despise eachother, if they’re left alone together for more than five minutes something is going to get broken.

● Literally treats any possum he runs into like a stray cat.

● As I’ve mentioned before, I see him as having ADHD with mild Autistic tendencies. He’s very knowledgeable about topics he’s interested in, especially the paranormal, but he has major impulse control issues, and kind of has trouble understanding boundaries.

● Even if he didn’t fully remember Debbie until his encounter with Mr. Walker, he still subconsciously remembered her, hence the weird effigy at the radio station.

● They’d known each other since forever, and they were basically best friends. After remembering her, well, he hopes she’ll visit Elkhorn County at some point.

● As of now though, he does consider Robyn to be his best pal, even if he never outright says it, he is incredibly grateful that they helped him get out of such a dark place in his (after)life, and feels incredibly guilty for trying to kill them back at the station.

● Following his encounter with Mr. Walker, he’s come to hate confined spaces, sure he can just pass through walls, but getting shoved and trapped in the lantern was honestly kind of traumatic.

● Generally tends to stim with his hands a lot when his ghost body is more than just an amorphous ball. Sure he has arms when he’s smaller but it’s hard to do what he wants to do with them.

● Has basically replaced Siri on Robyn’s phone. Even when he’s not possessing it his voice is still used.

● Robyn got him hooked on Welcome to Night Vale. He has denied crying while listening to it, no one believes him.

● Is trying to get his own podcast up and running at the moment. He’s still trying to finalize the scripts for the first few episodes, but Robyn thinks it looks promising from what they’ve seen.

● Despite being dead for seven years, he’s better at keeping up with current trends than August is. This is mostly because he spent a lot of time on the station’s computer when he wasn’t on-air.

● While he does act like an ass a lot of the time, he does genuinely care about the others, especially Robyn.

[defira85]

I've got an hour and a half left of the year so let's be introspective - 2023 was pretty fucking garbage, and that's saying a lot after the mess of last year

It was the first time in 8 years that I struggled with active thoughts of suicide again

I really wanted things to get easier this year after the shit that went down last year - the sudden death of my mother-in-law, being absolutely dragged through the mud by my Covid infection, and a colossal mess with work when my boss developed Long Covid and ended up taking 5 months off of work. I thought that, given time, the grief would become easier to manage, and the work stress would ease up when my boss returned to work in January, and my health would be manageable

The larger cracks started forming in around April, and in July I started seeing a psychologist again. The decline got worse around August, and by late October it was... well. It was that.

The grief never got easier. I'm still waiting for it to be something bearable, but I think the fact that she died of a very traumatic heart attack and - for those who have been paying attention to my posts - I run a practice for a cardiologist means that I have to go into work every day and look into the faces of people who don't want to take medication for their hearts, and who don't want surgery for their hearts, and I want to shake them and tell them that they're resigning their families to unbelievable trauma and heartache that is literally preventable... it's not the same job as it was eighteen months ago

Add on to that the fact that our receptionist got more and more aggressive towards our preventative health measures as time wore on to protect the doctor and enable him to keep working with Long Covid and literally keep us employed, resulting in massive outbursts from her in October and November that I had to just sit and take because I had to be the professional even while she was lashing out and treating me like shit

It's been hard. It's been really hard. Last year was garbage but god this year was bleak

I tried getting back into fandom this year after the start of the pandemic just killed my spirit dead in the water, and it's been miserable. 2020 was only 3 years ago, but the difference in 3 years feels so so stark. The bleak silence in response to "content" instead of community like I used to see and partake in is so demoralising and so humiliating. I write because I have stories I want to share, but who am I sharing them with? I don't know! The numbers tick very slowly up, so SOMEONE is reading, but I don't know them from a bar of soap. I've tried joining conversations in a couple of fandoms on tumblr and it all fizzles out to nothing. Everyone and everything is on discord these days, and I'm just not interested in that for fandom

No prophesying for 2024, but the receptionist quit on the last business day of the year, so I never have to see her again. I'm terrified that the doctor will decide we don't need to replace her and will expect me to be his receptionist and nurse and secretary and practice manager and hospital bookings manager all in one... without the pay rise to match, and without the acknowledgement that I absolutely cannot do all of that by myself without help. I'm glad the bitch is gone but I'm so miserable thinking about the coming years work. My doctor wants to do more mental health stuff including eating disorder stuff and it's exhausting still trying to get that under control when I'm nearly 40

I don't even know what the point of this post was. It's not a happy one. Maybe it's good to spew it all out here with the intention of leaving it in the past

I just don't know what the future holds. I don't know what to hope for anymore. I just want this year to be over though

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

After death | Lost Gods

He looks at the skyline ahead of him, its famous shapes that tourists gape at like they’re observing a gorilla in an enclosure. It’s all grey to him, not just because of the looming storm but because the grids of buildings and lights have become boring in a way that seems fatal—this city is a dead thing on earth, he doesn’t care what anyone says. It’s all post-mortem—the blinking traffic lights, shafts of sunlight interrupted by high-rises, yellow taxis honking, honking, honking, like they’re shouting a prayer. He feels sort of like that too, caught in kitschy after death.

A little Harrison art <3 !! And an excerpt from the opening of Lost Gods!

4 years ago today I finished writing his very first solo novel, Moth Work, & I’m kind of in awe of how far we’ve come in that short time… 4 novels & 2 novellas narrated by this man who’s a little embarrassing and a whole lot profound (but you didn’t hear that from me!). A few more thoughts under the cut, but here’s a little note I made myself in 2020, the only note I’ve ever made after finishing a book (possibly because finishing this one changed my life a little).

TW for mentions of: mental illness, trauma in the mental health system, internalized homophobia

Technically I finished Moth Work at 2:34AM because I lived on the west coast at the time lol.

I don’t usually celebrate or remember the anniversaries of finishing books. But I wanted to celebrate this one because a) it’s Leap Day & I haven’t been able to commemorate what I was doing during the last one for 4 years, & b) because finishing MW was such a significant accomplishment!

I started MW in January of 2019 because I was struggling emotionally. At the time, I was racing to figure out “what was wrong with me” before flying across the country for uni in the summer (SPOILER I WAS JUST AUTISTIC LMAO), which led to a lot of stressful and traumatizing appointments with doctors. I desperately needed a book to cheer me up but a different one from my WIP at the time, especially because in 2018, I’d both discovered my voice and become really afraid of messing it up!

I also was taking a religion class at the time that was emotionally difficult for me because I felt reallyyyy alone and especially isolated in my queerness that I’d been hiding for a couple years at that point (& that I literally would not talk about at all, not even to people I trusted). When it became very clear I needed an outlet to explore my feelings (of being “unhelpable,” internalized homophobia, a general sense of aloneness/isolation) the decision of what I was going to write became pretty clear.

I’d written 3 stories in Harrison’s POV that predated MW starting in late 2018 (they were also my first explorations in third person present tense, which fun fact, I only tried in his POV because I’ve always written my notes ideas in that POV/tense combo, even when I only wrote first person!). I hadn’t written in a different POV character’s head beside’s Reeve’s since 2016, so it felt natural that the second character I felt closest to (Harrison!!!) could be a narrator. Funnily at this time Lonan was my favourite so I’m actually surprised I did not choose him but can we imagine how different things would be if I had???

I started Moth Work in my notes app (ICONIC) on January 16th 2019 at 11:37pm! The first chapter came pretty quickly, is actually quite non-linear for a bit, and was overall a lot of fun to write. I’d planned for the project to maybe be a short story or at the most a novella (does this sound familiar), nothing very long and definitely not a novel. I believe the goal word count was 5k which is so funny bc that’s exactly how Changing States & Lost Gods started!!!

And then the project stagnated, it wasn’t something I’d planned to write seriously, and I didn’t pick it back up until August of that year when my therapist at the time suggested I try to complete a “reach goal” as I was reaching Crisis and I guess I was so done with everything going on in my life that I was like okay fine!!!! I will write Moth Work as a novel!!!!

This book literally flew with me across the country… I wrote a lot of it late at night in my dorm with all the lights off after a long day on campus. I wrote a lot of it in my intro to sociology lecture LMAO. I wrote a lot of it on my phone. It was the first project (no literally) where I intentionally explored queerness, especially my own feelings as a (sort of?) catholic at the time. I explored atheism a lot! Something I needed to process my own feelings about faith & God. I explored what it’s like to be this completely unhelpable person because you’ve decided there’s no possible way to help yourself anymore (hiiii Lonan). I also explored (a bit like a premonition), what it’s like to care deeply for someone you can’t help (but that you very badly want to help).

And I almost didn’t finish the book! The imposter syndrome and insecurity went crazyyy when writing Moth Work. I didn’t feel like I was writing the First Person Retrospective Flowery Literary Fiction I’d deemed as the only possible “good writing.” (Still LOVE but I really was struggling seeing a very minor style shift, which is funnily much closer to my writing now than when I was writing the “best” way.) I deleted so much from this book. I couldn’t look at it. I was so embarrassed by it!! I made ultimatums with it!! I edited it so much but still couldn’t stand it! It was literally the safest space I had and I could barely be there a lot of the time!!!

SOOOO this is why I’m very proud of me for finishing it lol & while I would typically have celebrated the anniversary idk, in 2021, bc it didn’t exist until this year it felt apt to sit with those feelings now. I’m really proud of 17-year-old Rachel who was undiagnosed autistic & convinced I was a lost cause, who was sooo afraid of being queer I could only think of that through Lonan (& sometimes still do thx king 🫡) who literallyyyyy wrote a masterpiece in my collection that contains some of my best work (even if I only realized that 4 years later) & that’s been the start of EVERYTHING!

This is so much more than a book or an anniversary!! Somehow I made it through all the things I didn’t think were possible and now have written 2 books & 3 (writing the fourth) novellas allllll in this world. AND 2 additional novels in his POV!! Also thank you baby Rachel for Jeremiah. Like hello!!!! This is the only place I felt safe to be myself when I couldn’t be with anyone else! And there’s something priceless about that…

And it’s all bc of Harrison!!! Whoever I saw in that man in 2019… girl thank you!! Can’t explain what it’s like to grow with that character (who is sooo much more than that to me). Never would I have predicted where I am now. And IMO, that’s all thanks to him so ily fictional man in my head, this is soooo his day LOL.

& if you were here since the first MW update & made it this far… I MUST KNOW!!!!

[rutilation]

Chapter 72 of Chainsaw Man takes place in a metaphorical (literal?) time warp. Click below for further details.

This all started when I asked myself: “Wait, why is it snowing in September?”

During my initial read-through of Chainsaw Man, I paid no attention to dates, or calendars, or anything of the sort. There were, after all, so many other elements of the story demanding my attention, such as chainsaws, and men. But, as I mulled over what I had just read, I developed a vague impression that the story must have started sometime in the summer, and ended during the winter.  After chapter 119 was published, I observed some discussion about the calendar in Denji’s apartment, and how it matched March of ’98.  This made me curious enough to look into the story’s timeline.  Imagine my surprise when I learned that one of the very few concrete dates provided was the Gun Devil being summoned on September 12th.  

“That can’t be right,” I thought.  “It was snowing.”  

While the sub-tropical heat of Tokyo is foreign to me, I live in a climate region very similar to that of Hokkaido, and know from lived experience that September is just diet-August.  There’s no way it would be snowing there so early in the year, right?  Sometime later, I was bored enough to look up when snowfall in Hokkaido starts—mid-to-late-November in the low-lying regions, and mid-October in the mountains.  Careful to take into account the succession of 20 years’ worth of global warming, I even looked for Hokkaido weather forecasts from 1997, and indeed, there was no snow there in September.  I concluded that Fujimoto simply doesn’t grasp the subtleties of winter past a certain latitude, and gave the matter no further thought.

But, Aki enjoyer that I am, I found myself rereading chapter 72 several times. When I wasn’t wallowing in the tragedy of it all, I was marveling at this farce of unseasonable snowfall. Does this guy think Hokkaido is in the Arctic Circle?  Does he think snowy regions are too cold to have spring and fall?  Because that little niggling annoyance kept scratching at the back of my mind, I at last noticed the calendar prominently featured in this chapter.  Idly, I decided to pull up a list of calendars from 1997 to see which month it matched.  (For those who already know where this line of inquiry will end, hold that thought for now, this rabbit hole goes deeper than you might realize.)

June.  The only month from 1997 which matches this calendar is June.  Fujimoto is reticent to be pinned down by a specific timeline, but it’s June.  Aki’s going to die in a few short days on September 12th, but it’s June.  There’s a snowstorm outside, and you can hardly see out the window, but it’s June.  It’s June, and it shouldn’t be snowing in September either.  Oh boy, when I tell you my mind started racing…

Obviously, there had to be a normal, diegetic explanation for this. Perhaps this place was a little shabby, and the inn’s proprietor simply hadn’t bothered with updating the calendars in the rooms.  The fact that I hadn’t heard any mention of this before, even when I specifically looked into the series’ timeline, meant that there were probably no bizarre time warps going on.  Regardless, I cared much more about the reason for including this odd calendar in the first place, than I did the justification for why it was there.  

The choice to accent Aki’s epiphany with impossible weather for an impossible date evoked, in my view, a sense that this moment had become unmoored from time, emotionally, if not necessarily literally.  The bond between these three reaches its peak right before they’re torn away from each other in the most traumatic way possible.  It was as if the torque from these two opposing forces had dilated the time surrounding this moment-in-between.  Tomorrow, they’ll return to Tokyo, where the weather makes sense, and time follows its proper, entropic course.  But for now, they’re nestled together in a place where tomorrow doesn’t exist at all, where there is nothing beyond this singular moment of togetherness, preserved outside of time forever.  I got goosebumps just thinking about it.

I glanced back at the calendar in chapter 119 just because I still couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing, and it did indeed match March of ‘98.  Fujimoto wasn’t just… randomly drawing calendars without reading them, or something.  But, I quickly noticed another strange element: both of these calendars looked the same.  They both featured months whose beginnings perfectly lined up with the start of the week—that is to say, the 1st lands on a Sunday—and isn’t that an interesting coincidence.  So interesting, in fact, that I suspected it was on purpose.  As I clicked around looking for more instances of this, I discovered that, after March of ’98, the next occurrence of a neat, symmetrical month was August of ’99—one month after the purported apocalypse.  So, not only did chapter 72 take place during some sort of liminal snowy Junetember, it also, subtextually, took place one month after the end of the world.

I was so ready to go ballistic over this.  How would I approach writing my meta?  I was debating how best to deploy references to Picnic at Hanging Rock and the Lothlórien section of Lord of the Rings, when it occurred to me that, perhaps, I ought to look for additional information regarding these mysterious calendars.  What other ways did people interpret them?  This is all so in-your-face that there must have been many vibrant discussions—

The calendars in Chainsaw Man all begin with Monday.  Way back in chapter 13, there’s a calendar shown in Aki’s flashback, one which clearly labels the days of the week, and it starts on Monday.  Apparently, some boomer calendars in Japan were once designed like this in order to center the workweek, or some such thing, and their use here was probably for the purpose of dating Chainsaw Man as a period piece.  Anyway, the calendar from chapter 72 thus matches up with September of ‘97. As for the calendar from chapter 119, March of ’99 begins on a Monday, so both Marches would look the same depending on the formatting.  Considering Chainsaw Man’s usual clipped pace, it’d be reasonable to assume the story is currently in 1999, giving more urgency to the apocalypse’s ticking clock.

When I tell you I was despondent…  With one google search, with mere glances at a few Reddit threads, all these cool, organic connections I’d made in my brain, connections that had greatly enhanced my enjoyment of my favorite arc of the story, imploded into a sad pile of detritus. I still thought it was odd that it was snowing in September.  I still thought it was odd that the calendar from chapter 119 could be from either ’98 or ’99.  I still thought it was odd that two of the three calendars depicted lined up perfectly with the start of the week.  But, I felt there was no longer substantial indication of intent behind any of it.  I resigned myself to my initial understanding that Fujimoto simply doesn’t know how snow works, shot my pet theory out behind the woodshed, and tried to put the whole thing out of my mind.

But then, about two weeks ago, I saw some people talking about the Aquarium Arc, and how the first chapter set in that location was published on December 6th, which was the same as the date on the fanciful, alternate-universe photo which served as the cover page for chapter 79.  I’d heard that piece of trivia before, but it had passed through one ear and out the other—nothing but a neat little party trick that Fujimoto had concocted to add a little flourish to that stretch of the story, as far as I was concerned.  This time, though, it gave me pause.

“That’s weird.”  I thought. “Weren’t they wearing shorts in that photo?  Wasn’t Power wearing a tank top?  In December? Even for Japan, that doesn’t seem quite right.”  At this point, a sense of Déjà vu was creeping up on me.  I pulled up the cover page…

Just as I recalled, their outfits did not suit December at all.  But, more importantly, my impossible June had clambered out from behind the woodshed, and slapped me across the face.  A quick google search confirmed that Japan orders its dates the same as we primitive Americans—month first, day second.  It was right there in front of me all along: my meditations on a calendar that made no sense, what that might represent, the unseasonable June that was somehow also midwinter, and our found family in a timeless world that couldn’t be.  Power’s even wearing the damn hairclip.  With shaky hands, I looked back at my list of calendars from 1997: December also started on a Monday that year.  September, June, and December are all directly invoked by the narrative in this web of symbolism, and they all potentially matched the calendar in the inn room.

I’m kicking myself for not noticing this earlier, but take a close look at the flowers on Chapter 72’s calendar.  While I’m not enough of a botanist to say with total certainty, it seems to me that these are hydrangeas—they’re all bunched together, and have serrated leaves.  I’ll get into the hanakotoba meanings in just a moment, but I think what’s really crucial here is when they bloom: the cultivars native to Japan typically bloom during the rainy season from early June to mid-July, and viewing the blossoms is considered a traditional early-summer activity. If you’ve engaged with enough Japanese media, you’ll notice it’s more often than not quite keyed in on flower symbolism, especially as it pertains to the changing of seasons.  Putting Hydrangeas on a September calendar would be just as ostentatiously atemporal as the chapter 79 illustration being dated to June.  Once again, I was gobsmacked.  I was morbing.  I was seeing shrimp colors.  Anyway, as for what they symbolize in Japan: on the one hand, fickleness and impermanence, due to their blooming period depending on the vicissitudes of annual rainfall, and how they change color with slight variations in the soil.  On the other hand, the fact that the flowers grow clustered together is taken as a symbol of family bonds and harmony.  It doesn’t take much reflection to see how those different meanings apply to the Hayakawa family at this point in the story.

This whole time, the calendar from chapter 72 was a setup, and this photo, juxtaposed against Aki’s tragedy, was its cruel punchline.  It’s 9/12, and Aki is dying his worst death, dragging a chunk of Denji’s soul down into the grave with him.  It’s 6/12, and our leads, now childhood friends, are having the time of their life on a trip to the aquarium; within this far-off paradise, they pause to snap a photo.  It’s 12/6 in our world; Asa and Denji have entered an aquarium that never ends.  And, in a single moment untethered from time, as Denji, Aki, and Power huddle together against the encroaching snow, right before the other shoe drops, it’s all three at once.  Did you know that once the company arrived at Hanging Rock, their watches all stopped?  Did you know that after he’d gone and passed again into the outer world, still Frodo the wanderer from the Shire would walk there, upon the grass among elanor and niphredil in fair Lothlórien?  I then realized, just as 6/12 and 12/6 are mirrors of each other, so are 6/12 and 9/12. Y’know.  69.  Here, at the end of this rollercoaster, at the center of this matryoshka doll, Fujimoto was memeing on me with a 69 joke.  Holy shit.

It occurred to me that I’d missed some nuances by only looking at these dates in retrospect.  There was also the serialized presentation to consider.  Prior to chapter 75—which is prominently named after the date on which it takes place—the only orientation the reader would have been given is that November 18th, 1983 was thirteen years ago circa chapter 13.  So, from the perspective of a weekly reader, one would look at the calendar from chapter 72, and—while keeping in mind that the only other calendar thus far started on a Monday—assume that this takes place in December.  After all, the snow piling up outside is a lot more noticeable than a tiny photo of hydrangeas tucked in the corner of a panel.  The weather here doesn’t just heighten the surreality of the scene, it’s also there to deceive the reader.  Fujimoto is exonerated in my heart at last: he does know how snow works!  This element of trickery makes me wonder if there will be some sort of twist down the road involving the similarly-ambiguous March calendar.  I’m going to be watching that like a hawk.

I also started thinking about what separates these liminal time warp dates from the clearly-labeled ones.  Both of the Gun Devil’s appearances, as well as the impending apocalypse, were given concrete slots in the timeline during the moment of their presentation.  There’s no room to wonder about what month or year we’re actually in.  Calamities are etched in stone, their body counts carefully recorded down to the second.  In the space between those tragedies, however, the veil thins; time has a double meaning, and tries to trick you.  Without realizing, you might even briefly slip outside of it.  While half of you will return to meet your doom, the rest of you might grab your friends, run away to the aquarium at the end of the world, and never look back.  

(You might even call that aquarium endless.)

[safrona-shadowsun]

DWC August Writing Challenge

Day 2 - August 21

Enchanted / Horror

Tri'lec the Soulsinger. It had just the fine touch of a mysterious ring he wanted spread among the rest of his kin. No longer Tri'lec of a no-name clan that would serve Zandalari forever deemed better than him. Now he had power, and…her. Drenna. The glory that was Drennivera.

She lay with him now in more luxury than he could have ever dreamed - the ultimate prize - her great wings a canopy over him. She had given in to him on the summoning, recognizing how he had struggled all his life, understanding the hunger in him to be more than the meager fate old trolls assigned him to at birth. And of course, she introduced him to excitement no pleasure house could ever imagine. She was his winged beauty. His queen. His goddess. Drennivera was–

Well. The succubus was suddenly on fire. She screamed both in pain and in rage, turning her eyes wildly to the source that had entered her lair: another warlock. 

"Drenna!!" her 'master' screamed after her, sliding down the literal pile of gold he had been lounging on with the demon, like some pair of daydreaming lovers. 

Safrona stared in silence as she observed the two for several seconds, her felhunter cutting the singed succubus off from her lunging attack. Not even a whip. All body, and blind, territorial rage. The gradual disbelief took hold, and Safrona chuckled emptily. 

"I thought they were exaggerating, really. But here you are." Safrona tired of the noise the demons made, and aggressively banished the succubus with a thrust of a hand. "Your Bwonsamdi's eyes would be rolling back into his skull right now, if he had any."

Bowling over his apprehension over the intruding warlock, Tri'lec's glaring voice was reflected in his sights: "Bwonsamdi?? What's a voidie elf knowin' about the loa, eh?"

"That is the least of your numerous problems."

"Tri'lec de Soulsinger's make himself a problem for ya if ya don't release his woman!"

"Your woman?" Safrona echoed with further disparagement. "You think this demon is yours? From what I see, the roles are absolutely reversed."

"She done more for me den anyone. All of my days!" A rash of flame expelled from the novice warlock's hands toward the elven intruder, but the lesser flames only died at her feet.

…no. The void expanse that veiled the elf's body stretched and writhed, devouring the lesser fire. Tri'lec stepped a pace back, only beginning to realize he was far outmatched.

"You are so, so deluded by your own demon, " Safrona spoke with a scoff. "You are blind."

A concentrated effort of her eyes fixed on to the Zandalari, sensing the stench of the demon's enchantment on him. "Allow me to open your eyes."

The horror that invaded the Zandalari's mind was cleansing in its own way, washing away the succubus' seduction in a traumatizing flood. Petrified into place, he convulsed as the imagery of what the demon had done "for him" ravaged his mind in sick detail, the mangled bodies of his mate and his children, made him live inside the memory of their painful demise. Fixation, manipulation, isolation, indoctrination - each a blade perfectly cutting into a succubus' victim until there was nothing but a mindless puppet of flesh to be rid of for new prey. These were the horrors of truth for Tri'lec.

Or perhaps they were the horrors of Safrona's own design, fit to turn the weak willed from a Path they were not fit to walk. She would not let the curse of horror relent until the novice was flat-faced on the cold floor of the demon's lair, a heap of regret, begging for mercy. It was as the fragmented souls of his murdered kin desired him to be, Safrona knew.

Perhaps he and the succubus both would be sufficient tribute to fill her ongoing quota of souls with the Loa of the Dead. The troll was an insult to most warlocks in her mind, and to the name he dared to pin to himself of Soulsinger.

{ @daily-writing-challenge }

[contentment-of-cats]

I am lucky.

It's hard to see in the middle of everything that's been happening to me and around me, but I am lucky.

Cancer:

I was lucky that someone finally ordered the CT scan that resulted in finding a 10cm tumor in my guts. I'd been trying since October of 21 only to be told 'menopause' and 'covid after effects' and basically anything for my GP to pocket the copay and get my out of his office. GP is no longer in practice - which is lucky for someone else.

I was lucky the morning I woke up in unbelievable pain that I could get to Cedars Sinai. The tumor was closing off my left ureter. I was in a bed within hours.

I was lucky to have changed my insurance to a Silver PPO from a Silver HMO - otherwise I'd be dead.

I am lucky to have had support on the work front - including six months of my rent paid from March to August, when I was a chemo'ed mess.

I was lucky to have young, aggressive docs and a knowledgeable, experienced, and highly skilled surgeon (if he does say so himself, and he does - often).

I'm lucky to be in remission, because colorectal cancer is a killer. It's estimated that about 53,000 people will die from it in 2023, about evenly split between men and women. It is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in men, and third in women. I know that it is likely to recur, and if it does it is likely to be fatal. I am lucky to have each day, as hard as some of them are.

Mother:

I am lucky to have seen her when she was still somewhat herself, back in Ferbruary of 2020, literally weeks before COVID hit. We discussed her selling the house and going into assisted living. I said I'd be back in a few weeks, having to go hold down the fort while my boss did some trade shows.

If she had been in assisted living, she likely would have died in that year, when at the peak of COVID, the local paper had eight pages of obituaries, and a six-week turnaround for cremation, nine weeks for burial/ennichement.

I kept her at home, buying her groceries, getting home repairs and upgrades done, keeping up the maintenance.

In March 2022, the week I was hospitalized, she developed a severe and almost fatal UTI. She was two weeks in the hospital, three in rehab, before being transferred to assisted living and ultimately to memory care.

I wanted to give her safety, comfort, and dignity for however long she had left. I've done that. It's a great place, she had friends, companionship, and care all the way.

If she dies on my birthday, then well, it's the last one she gets to torpedo for me. I've done what I feel is my duty, and if I also feel like it wasn't enough, I never was enough. Mom had her own trauma from two traumatized people. I can let go of it, but maybe not forgive the string-pulling and button-pushing. There's things you have control over, and things that you don't. I'm guessing about some of her motivations, but others were billboards 20-by-30 in blinking LED.

I'm lucky not to be more of a mess, lucky to have had good therapy and good friends.

Most of all, I am lucky to have had the friends around me. Even moreso as I come out of treatment and surgery and into remission, survivorship, and recovery. I am lucky that they understand that it's not over when the chemo stops. I love them dearly and am endlessly grateful to them.

[mattatouile]

august 2015 was so traumatic

Like. I have been in love with hockey since the 99-2000 season. It was basically my identity. And like lbr. May 2012 shoulda been enough but I was young and dumb and like. Whatever. No excuses but I ignored Red Flag Central. So yeah. Aug 2015 was like. You know. It still makes me fucking sick to my stomach how much it was swept under the rug and nothing changed. But then you find out the entire franchise was hiding sexual abuse within the staffing and it's like oh ok. No wonder there wasn't a single consequence to be had.

And literally the month after, Sept 2015, I started my first Big Girl Job after college and uh. Basically had a mental breakdown from it over the course of about 9 months because it was such a toxic and abusive environment and there was none of me there to have joy for hockey (and I was IN Chicago that 2015-2016 season, so that was fairly gross feeling re hockey).

But hey. You know. I'm back baybee! And now I know to never actually trust a player to be a good person fr off the ice. Trust no one!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey there. My name is Tenko, and our collective name is Lyric. I think I'm mostly looking for reassurance, but advice would be helpful to. I'm not sure what content warnings this would need? It's all kind of a mess, but there's definitely misgendering in there at minimum.

So, I'm the current host of our system. The old host discovered us about 18 months ago, and I personally split 14 months ago. I've been host for about seven or eight months now, because of some home circumstances that are traumatic on their own, as well as bringing up a lot of old trauma that the old host couldn't handle.

Our old host, I'll call them M, has two partners, and the three of them are in a polycule together. One has been nothing but supportive since we came out to them both as plural, but the other has been a bit of a problem from day one. I'll call him A.

When A first met a couple of our headmates, he immediately started cracking source jokes about the fictives, and didn't stop until someone aggressively told him to knock it off after trying to shut him down gently didn't work. He's made weird jokes on and off since then, but we managed to just ignore it until recently.

Moreso since I became host and we've started splitting more rapidly, A has started becoming more and more disrespectful of our system and our headmates. He's done things like refer to me as "it" and "the kitten" (I'm a nekomimi in headspace and use kitty neopronouns, but kitten is a pet name that very few people are allowed to use for me, and the language always came across very depersonalizing), made snarky comments about how quickly our system was growing, and misgendered a headmate because "his hair is long", so he assumed he was a woman. We already had bios with things like pronouns and boundaries available for this exact reason, but I don't really think he's ever read any of them.

He basically treated all of us like we were just alternate versions of M that would already know and like him, and was always uncomfortably over-familiar with headmates, even if they had barely spoken to him or literally never met him.

Back in August, our main protector finally had enough and sent him a message explaining all of these problems and telling him that he needed to do his research, talk with the other partner (who had looked in to plurality much more, had asked us a lot more direct questions about how our system worked, and had agreed privately to help A navigate things before we said anything), and apologize for the things that he had done and never owned up to.

We still didn't hear from him for a month after that, so I asked him if he was going to acknowledge anything that we'd said. It turned into a big argument where he basically said that he didn't want to apologize because he "didn't know how," that he wanted to "change his actions" instead, and when I asked how he planned to do that when he had basically ghosted us, he just got more aggressive and started arguing that he didn't want to deal with "the rest of us" because our protector had been rude to him.

I ended up removing him from the small server that we were all in together. From what I understand, he still hasn't spoken to our other partner, even about their own relationship. Our old host that was dating him is basically dormant at this point, and the protectors agree that in our unstable situation currently, it's not a good idea to let him back in to our life, at least until we're on more solid ground with the more important things, but I feel bad.

I know I don't owe him anything as an individual, but I feel like I imploded M's relationship and was somehow overreacting to everything that was happening. It feels like I could have just not brought it up and kept him at arms length, but at the same time, he somehow managed to cause panic attacks and spirals with barely any effort on his part. I don't want to officially tell him that the system is breaking up with him, because I don't want to speak for M, but I also don't feel comfortable keeping contact with him myself, and I have no idea when/if M will be able to take over as host again.

Hi Tenko,

I'm sorry you went through that.

A's actions were not appropriate, especially how he continued to say upsetting things despite directly telling him to stop, and then refusing to apologize and simply arguing when confronted about it. It sounds like you did the right thing, even if M would be upset to know that things have been broken off or strained. Part of setting boundaries is potentially upsetting some people. It's definitely not easy, but it's ultimately for the sake of yourself and your system.

I think it was safer as a system to stop associating with A then continue simply for M's sake. Especially knowing that A has caused panic attacks and spirals is a loud red flag, at least from my perspective. Even if A had "barely any effort" in causing those episodes, it sounds like A still played a part in them.

Please take it easy, and I hope that you, M, and everyone else in the system are doing alright. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[internetreadingpanda]

July 30, 2022

dear moon,

I don’t have words to describe what’s been going on in my life lately. In just 15 days a lot has changed. I feel like I have grown up a lot and also, I am turning 18 this august. This dark, dark realization of growing old. I have started smoking regularly and at times I even dislike it but it gives me peace. It makes me feel like the world has stopped and it is just me and this cigarette against all the chaos; voices in my head stop when I smoke and when the buzz fades it is all same again. That is why I hate it too but now I can’t help it too. I also drank vodka last week and after two pegs I was on the verge to cry. I do not know the reason, maybe it was because the demon had stopped speaking and it was just my heavy heart beating rhythmically. I did not cry because I was sad but because I was at peace and did not feel anything.

For the last few months, I had been talking to so many girls on ig. They seem to like me a lil but when I asked them out, they said, “ Yes, we can meet, but let’s not call it a date; there was no certainty. But then there is this girl, oh jeez, she is literally a goddess and has no flaws. I have been following her for a year. When I first followed her, since then I wanted to meet her. I used to take screenshots of her snaps, I would stalk her account to see her OOTDs and I had never imagined that I would get to go on a date with her. Can you believe how HUGE this is for me, like a dream come true? In moments like these, I like to think, that the universe is with me and it does want me to win. However, the next moment, it shatters my whole idea of winning. The next day after the date, my father messaged me, “I am not coming home ever and I am switching my phone off”. When I got this message I was working at paudha and I didn’t seem to care but when my mom called and enquired about him I kind of felt something is wrong. 

Let’s name this girl Helen because she actually is a goddess, Goddess of things I can never possess. Also, first, let me tell you something about her. She is from Bihar, resides in Delhi NCR, and both of her parents are working, she comes from a well-to-do family and has a 15-year-old brother. She dances and sings (not just a hobby), is brilliant at studies, goes to the gym, gotten offer letters from many respected universities, and will move to the US for post-grad. She has been to many countries and experienced all the adventures. She’s literally a 10. 

I have been talking to her for like a month and nobody has made me feel like she does. She genuinely seems to care about my day-to-day life and she gives back the same energy. She tells me every detail of her day and how badly she wanted to talk to me. We flirt, crack jokes, and tell each other stuff about families and ourselves. Although, I have not told her so much about myself yet. One day when I was at Ashu’s place (the day I got drunk for the first time) I called her and as usual, she told me about her day and how she’s close to her brother, he checked my IG profile then he went on like he writes such dark poetries meanwhile I was just listening to her. For a moment we ran out of topics so she asked me about my family and I got all blank, I did not know what to say. I told her I get uncomfortable whenever it comes to my family because of some traumatic past; then she was like yeah but yk sometimes I feel Idk who am I talking to and then we went on talking about something else.

The next day, I gave thought to what she said yesterday so I decided to tell her a lil about my family and I texted her about how my brother tried to kill my father and the result that my father tried to kill himself. Her reaction to this was all sorry and she asked when did that happen and she also said even if we date or do not I want you to know that I am always here for you. I felt as if some burden has gotten out of my shoulders because she did not judge me for this. These days, the best part of my day is talking to her, I start smiling when I see her text. I feel I can show her my scars and she’s gonna let me pretend I have none. She sometimes says things like “please don’t break my heart”, “promise me you won’t gonna fuck me up” to which I reply “I am no harm to you and you have the all supreme power to do anything to me. You are the actual main character and we are living in your world.” She finds me sweet and I think of her as a goddess. 

On Monday, when I was heading off for my evening practice her message came.

“Are you free tomorrow?” 

I replied, “I have cricket practice.”

then she said when do you get free?

I told her my practice schedule and she was like I only have time on Tuesday. She wanted to say please make it on Tuesday or else idk when we will meet but she did not say that directly as she did not want to sound selfish because I’ll have to miss my practice because of her. I understood the significance of the situation and I told her to meet tomorrow and that it is not a big deal if I miss practice.  

From then on, everything started to seem delightful. I was so cheerful that I cannot describe that feeling in words. At practice, I was smiling most of the time. Later Susu asked me what happened and I told him about the date. I love how these people get happy over my happiness. They have nothing to gain from this, despite that they are celebrating. No matter what goes wrong in my life, there’s only one thing I will always be grateful for and that is my friends. 

So, tomorrow came, and my morning started with going to work at paudha. Paudha had taken us to an apartment in Vasant Vihar. Vasant Vihar is a very posh locality where all the rich kids live and of course, I dream to buy a house there. Paudha took us there for some gardening work as the owner of that apartment wanted to grow some vegetables over her terrace. She also wanted some new plants and her terrace to be cleaned. Paudha gave us this job and we (Nikhil and I) got Rs. 500 each. I hated working there because you have to do all that cleaning and stuff around the street as well and people would look at you, I feel so small around them and at the same time I’d think Helen is also looking at me after all, she comes from such locality as well. However, I was enjoying it that day despite I knew I will be late for my date but I cheered because I knew as this gets over I will see a glimpse of heaven; I will see her and that is the best of all things. 

So the work at Vasant Vihar was done early n the morning and we were at Paudha then her message came and the first thing that crossed my mind was, please don’t make her cancel the date god, please! The message said: I’M GOING TO FUCK SOMETHING UP. A screenshot was attached and it has a message from her dad on the family group saying “you are not going out today kashu and no behas on this”.  My beautiful morning had turned into mourning, at that point, I was convinced I am not going to see her and as I did not want to have any more expectations I simply created a scenario where there was no possibility of meeting her and me. Another message arrived after a few moments: NO, I’M COMING. Then she called and I freaked out because I was working and I had not told her that I work somewhere but Nikhil helped me out, I went inside the godown (it is not actually a godown just some space where paudha keeps different kinds of pots). Over the call, she asked me if I can come to Noida as her parents are not letting her go. I was of course convinced. I would have agreed over anything because it is I who has dropped his practice, who has borrowed money from a friend, which shows how badly I want t see her. She also sounded sorry because everything was planned and Noida does not have anything as compatible with our date place in Delhi. Even Nikhil was so pissed; he was like this is not done, how can she change everything at the last moment. He wanted it to happen more than myself. 

Later, IDK how she convinced her parents or what she did but we were back to our plan A which is an art gallery (there was no plan B though she just made that ATM). I was still at Paudha when she briefed me. I checked the time and I had only an hour and a half to go home and get ready. Thanks to Nikhil, he asked me to leave immediately saying he will take of everything here you just focus on your date. So I ran toward my home, took a bath, and ate whatever there was without complaining. I looked at my watch and BOOM an hour passed. Now I only had 30 mins and yet I had to get flowers, chocolates, and some rings for myself. I was so late that I called Ashu and told him to be there at PVR and buy all this stuff for me so I could just take them from him and leave. Unfortunately. Ashu had no idea of what kind of flowers one should get for a date. I was literally running in the metro and as I reached PVR, I saw him and hugged him tightly. I asked if I am smelling bad cuz I was running all the way and I’d gotten a bit sweaty. He said, “Yeah, you stink a bit just a Lil bit”. I got really upset and it was him who cheered me up otherwise I would have killed myself. We bought flowers, I don’t remember the name, but they looked really pretty and fancy. I was also carrying a pack of ultra-mild cigarettes because I decided to flaunt my Dil Bechara personality to her.  

On her side, she had reached and texted me but I could not reply because I was running then she called and I told her I will be there in the max of 20 mins. She did not sound pissed or anything but nobody likes waiting so I ran faster. The BSF guard at the metro security check asked me if I’m going to give these flowers to somebody or if I have gotten these from someone. I told him these are for someone and he smiled at me. On the platform, a girl was making a video of me while I was waiting for my train carrying flowers in my hand along with chocolates and a book. So many amazing things were happening around me and I literally felt like the main character. You see, these are the consequences when a goddess starts liking you; when a goddess demands your presence the whole world pushes you toward her. Even in the metro, everybody kept looking at me and I was blushing beneath my mask. I reached the metro station where she had been waiting for me. She was at the food court, standing near a pillar. A saw her from a distance because of her hair, they are short and colored. As her eyes met mine, in that instant, everything got all blurred. Even now that I visit that place again I try so hard to recall near which pillar she stood but I just cannot; that is the thing about happiness right, you have no scars to remember it or to show someone. I laugh at this inability of mine where I try my best to replay each and every scene but all I see is just a glimpse of us. 

She had worn a dark brown jumpsuit and very cute flip-flops. Her outfit was subtle and those flip-flops made it vibrant to some extent. One would look at her with full admiration from head to toe but definitely hold their gaze over her feet. Her feet were immaculately beautiful. 

I went up to her and straight away she cheered up and threw her arms around me. As we hugged the first thing she asked was, “Why are you so sweaty?” She did not ask that in some bad way she was just curious.

“I got late because I brought you flowers”, I said that giving her the flowers. She accepted them with both of her hands then she literally blushed saying, “There was no need for this”. I did not say anything to that and gave her the chocolates and then the book. She got speechless for a moment and then said “C’mon Yushie, you did not have to do all this”.

“I actually got late because I was getting all this stuff for you, so I first went to Saket along with Ashu then I got back in the metro and came back here” I explained that is how I got all sweaty. 

She was really happy because of the flowers and I asked her “Is it that big of a deal?”

“Is it not? Nobody has ever brought me flowers” She said that with a straight face and I was like damn bro! Bringing her flowers was the best idea, hence,

 YOU: 1     other dude: 0

But I actually never brought flowers to impress her in the first place. I just wanted to give her flowers; she deserves flowers; she is a flower, of this painful world. 

We started moving towards the platform and I was so much into her that we unknowingly went to the wrong platform. 

We reached Saket 20 mins late but who cared about time? We had to go to Champa gali’s bari cafe and for that, we needed an auto. I thought I will have to call for auto because I am the guy and the last time when I went out Kayush, I had to do everything, But here she took the lead and dealt with the auto guy, she even negotiated and I was amused by her skills. 

Again I was back to that same lane I took a year ago to meet Cezzane but this time the memories did not hit hard maybe it was because I am with somebody better than her. We reached Champa Gali in like 15 mins and she looked for Baari cafe but there was a sign that says ‘we are temporarily closed. She sounded a bit upset because she had seen some reviews of that cafe and it was really pretty from the inside. Then she asked me, “where shall we go?”

“There are some other nice cafes too”, I gestured. We went ahead in Champa Gali and she asked me to go to the same cafe I had been with Cezzane and Kayush. I chuckled as she chose four directions. 

“What happened?” She asked with a completely baffled look. 

“Nothing”, I said trying not to smile. She was leading the way and as we were up to the door I realized I had to open the door for her so I rushed to move forward from her but she had already opened the door and I was like oh no! I told her I wanted to open the door for you then she looked down, smiled, and held the door gesturing ‘after you’. 

We sat on the couch, there was Jenga over the table and Menus. For the first few minutes, I could not believe that this is real; that this is actually happening and I wanted to tell her that but I had no words. I do not remember how we started the conversation, it just happened, maybe over the menu or something. Isn’t it amazing, how the thing that was terrifying me the most happened so nonchalantly, in a fleeting moment. And not just this one thing, all my fears like what to order or the bill thing. She took care of everything and especially of me. 

We spent 2 hours in the cafe, had lunch, and talked about so many things. She told me about her friends (which I wanted to know since the day I started following her on ig), about her parents and family. She did the talking mostly and I never felt I need to push this conversation, it just kept going and going. Also, there a moment came when was eating with a fork and knife and I don’t know how to use that. I was feeling a little embarrassed then all of a sudden I remembered how when I was with Cezzane, I was eating spaghetti and I did not know how to eat it properly and the table was a lil far from me to reach. I was so embarrassed that I did not eat it and I still regret it. So I decided I will not let that happen again and I don’t want this to be ruined. With all my innocence I asked her, “Could you please help me with this, I don’t know how to eat with a knife and fork”. 

She said sure and with that happy-to-help smile, she took the knife and showed me how we cut the food. Then with the help of the fork, she picked the food piece and fed me like you feed a lil child. Later she made a video of me where I was struggling to eat with a knife and fork and that was so cute. 

After having lunch we took an auto to the art gallery, in the auto we were clicking pictures and I thought I should now take out my cigarette. I did not know she is making a video when I did that and it got all recorded. She was amused seeing a cigarette between my lips. 

“You can light it if you want”, She said. 

Then I dropped that killer dialogue, “No, I do not smoke”, I took the cigarette in my hand, “See, you put the killing thing right between your teeth but you never give it the power to kill you. It is just a metaphor.” 

“It is childish”, she looked away. 

“C’mon I always wanted to do this”. 

So yeah, this stunt did not come out as I wanted it to be but to make it worse the auto driver offered me a matchstick and she laughed, a lot. I somehow managed not to have myself embarrassed more... by putting back the cigarette in the pack. 

“You did not like it?” I asked her. 

“It does not matter”, still not looking at me, “You can do anything you want”.

I leaned toward her, “anything?” I said looking straight into her eyes with deep passion. 

“Oh, c’mon Yushie”. 

At the mall, we spent a few minutes looking for the Kiran Nadar Art Gallery. I was carrying her bag and she, the flowers. The lady at the counter where we had to submit our bag and stuff asked me why are you carrying a women’s bag and Helen told her it is hers. She looked at us both and smiled. 

I love it when these things happen when people see something unusual so they ask you and when they get the reason behind it, they adore it. 

The art gallery was so peaceful. At first, we did not even see any people but there were many inside. She was looking at the piece of art and I was looking at her. We both were looking at what we find beautiful. The child in me who loves Helen was not able to understand the meaning behind the art so I had to keep asking her. She, in her impeccable manner, kept narrating to me the stories behind those arts. A moment came when we sat on the bench, looking at the wall and there was nobody else in the room. The distance between us was Lil to no. 

“What is this smell”, she asked out of nowhere. 

“What smell?” I was scared that I was stinking. 

“I don’t know”, she sniffed at my shoulder and I moved away a Lil. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Tell me if the smell is nice or not”. 

“It’s nice only. Which perfume do you use?”. Finally, I got some assurance.

I was wearing my brother’s perfume and that too was some cheap brand so I just said it is my brother’s I don’t know the name. 

We were so close that our forearms touched. She saw my veins and asked me to flex and as I did she touched them. She liked my forearms. The grabbed my hand, in a manner where the spaces of my fingers are filled with hers. I was completely shocked. I wanted everything to stop at that moment; just wanted to feel her palm on mine. One thing I knew for sure was that her hand would never harm me. I am safe here. 

We walked like that for a while, rubbing our thumbs. I kept looking at our hands, wishing by some miracle, we could never let it go. But I don’t remember when she let my hand go, maybe if I knew I would have held it tighter. When she was looking at the art, I wanted to look at her so I was walking backward, facing her. The wooden flooring made some noise when my feet struck the floor and she would look at me often.

After the art gallery, we went to the mall. I started feeling small there like I do not belong there but she sure does. So I got all quiet. She saw a store that has scented candles and stuff like that and said something about it. She realized I have not heard of it so she took me in there and like the salesperson shows stuff and explains, she showed me the products. 

While strolling in the mall for a while she wanted to go to Starbucks. I told her I have never been there and I know nothing of it she grabbed my hand and took me in there. Everything was so opulent there, all the pretty people working, talking, laughing; humans being humans. She got me her fav drink and asked me how is it. I nodded. 

“What happened to you?” She asked.

“Nothing, I just don’t like it when people are around”. A couple was sitting right next to us. They both were so pretty and talked in some accent I could never understand. Yes, even Helen started to speak in English and I was like... why!!??? 

“Well this is my kinda place”, She smiled. I just nodded returning a smile and thought no matter how hard I try I can never fit with her. I am just too damaged for her. Since day one I knew she’ll break my heart yet I just let her. 

The clock hit 4:30 and we knew it is time to go. We clicked some pictures, where ofc I feared not looking good but I got a decent one finally. Outside the mall, under the clear sky when sunrays fell on her she seemed a bit irritated so I wondered what is happening. She told me she is allergic to sun rays; she cannot look at the sun directly or else she’d start sneezing. And me, out of my complete innocence asked her how. She looked at the sun and sneezed. 

“OMG! You people have such cute allergies”, I was flattered just by her allergies. I mean in my life I have seen allergies to food, drinks, or some kind of smell but, this was so different. So from then on when we walked I tried to cover her face so she does not get under direct sun exposure. I leaned a bit forward or I would put my hand to cover her face. I wanted to protect her and keep her like a child trying to protect their favorite toy. 

In the metro, when it was time to say goodbye I could feel my heart skipping a  beat; it wants what it wants. I suck at goodbyes, but I am so glad I was with someone who makes goodbye so hard. I hated it when the metro reached the platform so quick. Generally, it takes 4-8 minutes but no, not today. We talked for a while about how amazing today was then she gave me the goodbye hug and this time it was a Lil tight which made me think does it mean something? I was too happy to be bothered by that and I watched her leave. She laughed when I asked can I come with you? but how do I tell her that It tore the heart out of my body saying goodbye to her?

Love&Lights

Yushie

[in--somnium]

((Okay, so just a lil update!

The last few months have been hectic as hell for me- first with prepping for the concert at the end of August, then the sudden passing of my kitty only 2 days later at the start of September (which, listen, I have lost a lot of family and a lot of pets but that was especially traumatic as fuck, so my entire September and even some of October was lost on me due to mental health issues ^^;). Then there’s been the holiday season (which for retail actually starts in, like, June/July bc we started getting Halloween stuff in June and Christmas in September- which was better than when we got it in August last year). So I’ve been neglecting writing (especially here on the multi) A LOT since August. 

With that said- once inventory is over (it’s on Jan 6th), things should hopefully calm back down and get to normal. It’s gonna take me a minute to adjust and properly be around again once the holidays are over, but I’d really, really like to get back on track with writing here (and on the side blog, and on Rogue’s blog). So I’m gonna start trying to post opens and ask memes more (I’d do a promo, but I’m absolute garbage with photoshop so...)

At this point in time, PLEASE feel free to send ask memes or to IM me about plotting or to tag me in little starters or whatever! Like, literally just flood my inboxes and nudge me and ask for my disc.ord and whatever! I really wanna get back into the swing of things and, while I probably won’t get to everything right away (it’s the last week before Christmas so I’m gonna be tired as fuck after work every day all week and, for that reason, might be extra silent until after the 26th), it would be nice to have some things prepped to start queueing up post-Christmas.

I’d also like to send some extra love to the people who’ve been patient with me during all of this and who still toss things at me and talk to me ooc (even though I’ve been ESPECIALLY unavailable ooc- my social battery is at a constant negative this time of year oTL) and just... still follow me and wanna write with me and check in on me and such❤️ You’re all the fucking best and I love you so much 🥺❤️ I promise to try to make it up to you in the coming year with lots of threads and fun interactions and more ships if you wanna 👀 

I hope you’re all having a nice weekend!❤️))