#bad candidate for therapy tbh

[3-aem]

I may be a 5'2 petite asian girl but i have the emotional capacity and cynicism of a 54 year old thrice divorced ornery man who now lives alone in the woods with a beard, a dog and 3 giant tropical birds.

[havenmoodz]

A group of campers that are all yanderes?! Sign me up!

Joking aside, I have one question for the summer campers:

How would each of them feel about the reader being a shut-in (prefers to stay in the dark playing video game or going on their phone etc).

Cause Why Not?

a/n: I LOVE YOU ANONNN/p

First up, Maven! He’d understand, but would drag you out for some activities once in a while. Like sports, crafts, talking about life, literally anything; he doesn’t want you to live that kind of lifestyle, even though he has nothing against it. If he thinks there’s something causing you to act like this (i.e. mental health issues, tiredness, etc) then he’ll find ways to help you out. That is what he’s good at, after all. If it’s just because you prefer it, he’ll respect your opinions and not push it too much. Although, he will lecture you on how unhealthy it is to be shut in a dark room all day. “I know you have to like at least some of these activities, don’t you?” 

Next is Dawn! Honestly, she’d probably do the same thing as Maven but just…more confrontational 💀 Would slide in your room, “Heya! You seriously aren’t planning to stay inside all day, right? C’mon, let’s go swimming!” and wouldn’t even give you a chance to say no. She doesn’t think of it as that deep, though, but if she realizes it is, she’ll just leave you to Maven and Evan. Will get the little ones to horde around you so you can’t get out of it. “gasp Is that a hermit crab shell?! Let’s go see! C’mon guys, it’s soooo cool, isn’t it?? I think I have a story about Mr. Hermit the crab! Anyone wanna hear?”

Evan would probably be the one most likely to give up after 10 minutes of trying to convince you 💀 The process of “Yo, let’s go chill near the lake…c’monnn…why not?” to “I didn’t have enough sleep for this. You do you 😒” Definitely would charm his way through though. “Hm? What was that? No? Well…I’ll be the judge of that ;)” (I’m sorry, I’ll pay for therapy). If he gets called along with Maven, though, these two will start bickering like a married couple of 9 years and never stop. “Hey- are you feeling alright? Maybe we could start off simple, like going for a walk! It must get lonely stuck inside this dark ro-“ 

“AWHHHH that’s no fun, is it now, mAvEn? C’mon darling, let’s go with ME. I have so many things planned :)” 

“Hey- you interrupted me! And stop trying to flirt with them, they’re mine. I get to take care of them, isn’t that right, darling?”

“Huh. Well, the last time I checked, I, EVAN, was the one who found them at the lake. So obviously, I should have them, right darling? Right.”

“You little…ugh…see, this is why you didn’t get counsellor of the month, you fucking suck.” 

“wha- EXCUSE YOU?? I SUCK? WELL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN SUCK? YOU CAN FUCKING SUCK MY DI-“ (Okay, I think you get the point 💀) 

For Rina? Tbh, they would go ahead and chill with you. You can play video games together, talking about life together, make fun of celebrities toge- 

Hell, you can literally just sit there in silence, she doesn’t care! You can be shut-in buddies. Eventually though, Maven would have to drag the both of you out. Scolding Rina and leaving you alone. She’d sneak back in, though, and you two would go back to whatever you were doing. One of the other counsellors would end up having to sleep next to you to make sure Rina doesn’t sneak back in. Rina can no longer be nominated for counsellor of the month until she stops 😔

August would be hogged up in his own room, that they share with Dawn. Eventually, when he knows Rina isn’t there, he’d creep into your room with a pout, complaining about his boredom. “Mmmm, but whyyy? I wanna stay with you, your bed is definitely softer than mine :(“. Also one of the candidates that would have to get dragged out by Maven, but they won’t get as bad as a scolding as Rina ‘cause they’re sensitive 😭Would apologize gingerly, and then will immediately snuggle back against you, stating himself, that “I should be your new bunkie now”. 

[shipstylennyman]

Curious to know what the "dad arc" is tbh-

Some of the boys aren't too keen of being totally candid. But that just means the mun has to write a flashback for the incident instead. Dad Arc is now at the top of that list. Nothings stopping you from pushing and asking more anyway. But they've made appendums to Kennys highlight list:

Eric: No! Heeeeell no! No Dad Arc!

Kenny: Goddammit Eric!

Eric: Nuh-h, we are never talking about that again!

Kyle: Oh no yea we’re not gonna talk about that.

Kenny: I thought it was a bonding experience...

Kyle: It was a trauma bonding experience and it wasn’t even one of our fun ones.

Eric: It didn’t happen it didn’t happen it was a bad dream-

Stan: Oh shit, 20yrs of romantic tension.... yup thats what it was.

[A transcript of the notebook contents. Descrips written from Kennys POV]

BF LORE <3

Stan & Kyles 20yrs of Romantic Tension. (Ky: Why. E: LOL)

Cartman fucks up (Ky: Important)

Army Enlistment

Movie redemption arc (Ky: No. E: YES)

Kyman Blows up!!! (Ky: No. E: ALSO NO)

THERAPY ARC (S: Best Part)

Me going to college

<3 Me coming home <3

<3<3I’ve loved them since the dawn of time oh my god <3<3

[Side Stories]

Emotional Hell

Literal Hell

Menorah??? (E: THATS MY GIRL!!!)

New House!

Wendy did stuff (S: Yeah)

Stans plot twist!

DAD ARC (Ky: No)

Marjorine?

[thelifeoflorna]

~28/7/2022~ Fatigue is still absolutely rife :/ Arranged for H to come in a bit later as had a skype call at 11 that I wanted to take out while she was cleaning. I was sat in the waitrose cafe - the skype call was about interview feedback from the peer support training coordinator interview and what next - I actually felt really upset about it afterwards as it's very much like being back at square 1 and also I ended up giving my honest opinion about their choice of candidate - and then felt terrible about what I said. Tbh a lot of it is probably thinking about bit stuff when I'm physically unwell and haven't really got the brain space. Spending some time with H distracted me a bit - we went to McDs for lunch, but had to take out as it was soo busy in there! Then we went on a charity shop mission to find a vase for my sunflowers - charity shops are definitely not my favourite places as struggle sensory wise with the smell and the idea of touching things that have belonged to someone else, but felt like the perfect place to find the type of vase I wanted - found one for only £4 that looked barely used! ♡ In the afternoon I phoned the council and the bus company to attempt to sort out my bus pass issue - no more sorted than it was - bus company say it's the council's issue, council say it's the bus company's issue, so hey ho - looks like I'm going to have to explain to the bus driver each time up til March 2024 when it expires! :/ Also scanned in some of my appointment notes to send to AKA as she wants to cross reference with her notes to help make a case to complex trauma service for the need for further trauma therapy. In the evening I tuned into autism women's group - there was a word war between two people which bothered me and hurt my ears, but it got better when someone left. I sat on the sofa with my Bella for the rest of the evening and drew my sunflowers, which was quite a quiet and relaxing task. Slightly concerned though that having fresh flowers around might not be the best idea MCAS-wise as seem to be suffering from bad headaches ever since they arrived. 🦄 (at Southover Grange) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgl4Qt3qi8EQ2wQY3592wKMWtjU3PV12BwgGBA0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[clonehub]

Ok ok this is kinda relevant to tbb also but your jedi ocs? you said (at least one of them) has been smuggling clones away from the army, how do they go about that? And make sure no one will snitch? The clones are so indoctrinated its like, is it ethical to kidnap them when they (technically) have their free will? Or is it better to remove them from a toxic environment and give them therapy so they have an actual choice? (Tbh your ocs were just a jumping off point for this thoughts)

So how it works is that this is a really broad network of strategically placed primary contacts--non Jedi, non Republic affiliated people. The clones have to initiate it, though. The Jedi certainly can’t subtly say “if you want to leave I can get you out” (kiki tried it, it didn’t work, although there was another time she made it clear her back would be turned and that did work). 

The most common pick up spots are places that just had battles, and so a clone would be more likely to be marked as MIA and less likely to actually be searched for. They do the occasional escape from coruscant, but those are much more difficult, naturally, and require dumping armor a lot sooner and more logistics. 

the first part is arguably the most difficult. the clone normally is rocketing back and forth between wanting to run and wanting to go back. the middle journey, they’ve locked themselves in. and at the third part (their destination) that’s when they get the healing space and therapy. Kiki makes sure they’re always dropped off somewhere safe and quiet. 

For instance, Yousa’s escape was a bit chaotic. She got deathly ill after drinking bad water while at battle, to the point the infection spread through the ship. Nobody died, but Yousa almost did, and so she had to be rushed to the floaty medical bay. Kiki knew she probably wouldn’t come back because a) she was in a really bad way, and b) she was on hormones and so that would have been a mess, so she got one of her hired guns to attack the transport ship and ferry Yousa off to Verocia, Kiki’s home planet. Yousa woke up in a hot apartment with a headache and a Jedi she didn’t know was standing over her congratulating her on escaping the army. I think Yousa didn’t really have a say in this one, but I’m gonna amend this now: kiki sends a message saying that she can stage the attack so that it looks like Yousa was kidnapped by pirates but rescued by republic forces and brought back, if she wants to return. or she can stay on verocia. yousa chose to stay.

with ridge, he’d made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to fight anymore and wanted to live life as a normal civilian. he and kiki’s relationship reached a point where they were having pretty candid conversations about their feelings on the war, and kiki just straight up said she didn’t want to fight anymore. ridge said he wanted to leave. he would have left through normal means if he hadn’t skipped a battle to go celebrate his birthday with civilians, which threw a wrench in the plan because then his commander had him arrested to be tried on kamino for desertion. kiki had to then attack his transport ship as well. 

[ghosts-writing-corner]

AFO Hideout Raid! AU Ideas

So I see a lot of fanfiction where Shigaraki either is found as a child (usually by Aizawa, Oboro or All Might) or where he is defeated and then redeemed/rehabilitated as an adult. Both of which I like.

However, I have yet to see any AUs where Shigaraki is discovered as a teenager after AFO gets his head squished by All Might.

So here’s a couple little ideas/headcanons about how I think that would go. (Tbh I’ll probably turn this into a story at some point)

* So after AFO gets defeated, is hideout/base is discovered and raided and the heroes and police stumble across a young Shigaraki during the raid.

* Both parties are very confused and surprised to find each other.

*The last thing the police were expecting to find during the raid was a scrawny, scarred teenager. Meanwhile, Shigaraki heard noise and thought Sensei was back and instead found himself surrounded by pro-heroes/police.

*Theres a scuffle and it ends with Shigaraki being knocked unconscious/apprehended. Maybe he manages to get in a couple of hits with decay, or maybe hes taken down before he can use his quirk.

*Either way, Shigaraki gets taken in police custody. When he wakes up, they try to question him. Who is he? Why was he living with AFO? What does he know about AFO and his plans?

*Shigaraki refuses to answer any of the questions until someone lets it slip that AFO is dead. And he freaks out. He screams and cries and tries to break out of the cuffs they have him in. Eventually that after to sedate him so that he doesn’t hurt himself.

*When Shigaraki wakes back up he’s an absolute mess. He’s paces and sobs and scratches at his neck until it bleeds. They try to treat his wounds, but he refuses to let anyone near him and fights the doctors and nurses when they try to patch him up. Eventually he has to be sedated again.

*Shigaraki becomes catatonic. All he does is lay on the bed in his room/holding cell. He refuses to eat or talk, and he’ll only drink when he has too. He also refuses to move unless its to go to the bathroom.

*Meanwhile the adults are trying to figure out what to do with him. Its more or less agreed on that he can’t just be kept in a tiny little cell for the rest of his life.

*This is where the AU starts to split off into multiple possibilities

Version 1 - During the investigation into the hideout, documents are found detailing Shigaraki’s true identity as Shimura Tenko. After finding this out, All Might desperately wants to take him in but is unable to due to his injuries and the fact that Shigaraki doesn’t exactly like him. It be too much of a risk to leave them together. So instead he tries to convince one of the other pro-heroes to take him in. I’m not sure exactly which pro-hero it would be, although Aizawa (and Present Mic, because they are dating in this AU) would be the most likely candidates. This version of the AU spends a lot of time unpacking Shigaraki’s trauma, both from his family and AFO, and just getting this kid some therapy. In this version of the AU, Shigaraki ends up becoming either a vigilante or an underground hero. Version 2 - So the Hero Commission has found out about decay and see a golden opportunity to get their hands on a new little pawn. They take him in and start training him to become a hero. Shigaraki hates the hero commission, but its not exactly like he can escape. And then he hates Hawks. They begrudgingly become friends and rub off on each other a little bit. Hawks helps to put a little bit of hope back into Shigaraki’s eyes, while Shigaraki helps Hawks to see exactly how bad the Hero Commission is. The two end up running off together and becoming vigilantes. This version of the AU is darker and would dive into the issues with the Hero Commission as well as both Hawks and Shigaraki’s trauma. Side Note: I don’t actually see Shigaraki going back to using the name Shimura Tenko in either versions of the AU. Instead he either says Shigaraki Tomura, takes the last name of his adoptive family (Version 1) or picks a new name entirely.

[creekfiend]

What's keeping me super enthusiastic about waking up in the morning is... dog

I found someone with a great big service dog lab they have been looking to stud out to a large breed female who has produced service or therapy prospects and they have an agreement with a chinook breeder for soon but I also ... just sent an email to someone who breeds great dane/great pyrenees crosses to see if they have a bitch they would be willing to use him (the lab) on. IMAGINE... A REAL BIG DOG... WITH GREAT DANE AND LAB BUT ALSO VERY STURDY LGD KEEPING SOME OF THOSE BAD GIANT DOG TRAITS AT BAY...

Obvs not all the pups would be good service candidates but the pyrenees/dane person says that while they occasionally gets pups that are so headstrong they are careful to place them in working farm homes, many of them are much much more trainable and make great companions and also service or therapy dogs

I would want something with some kinda retriever in it , to ease the training of "please pick up and bring me that object" type tasks

So an outcrossed Dane + big working lab would be like... potentially perfect tbh... if this breeder has some bitches that are on the calm and trainable side, which I think she does

Aaaaa fingers crossed pls

[drmazel]

Ok, secrets in return.. 6, 10, 15, 17...

ooh a lil secret exchange...... like little kids at a slumber party..... love this energy

6) how is your life different now from two years ago

hmm.... july 2018.... tbh not a whole lot has changed since, then, graduate school has a funny way of being all the same all the time. but i can think of a few... 

school/job-wise, i became a doctoral candidate in june 2018 which was just over 2 years ago and that was cool, and my research was finally published in december 2019 which kicked ass. actually the project that was published wasnt even finished until october 2018 so i guess that too. my mentor and i have developed a really great mentor/mentee relationship that i attribute a good amount of personal growth to, bc for like the first time in my life i have someone actively helping me quash a lot of self doubt.

personal life-wise, hmm... in october 2018 i had the plate in my knee removed bc it was severely impeding my recovery and making it hard to walk. i figured out how to sit down on the floor and get up from the floor and go up and down stairs one at a time with a railing, then without a railing, learned how to crouch about halfway to normal, built up my stamina to stay standing for about an hour with minimal discomfort whereas before i suffered if i stood for 10 minutes. the girl that almost killed me was finally arrested and convicted and put in jail which doesn’t fix or reverse anything but still felt like some kind of justice. 

and then personality wise i am just a little less afraid of getting things wrong. still terrified and still impacts my life, but i am able to give things a shot instead of dismissing them outright. led to me finding out i’m pretty good at some stuff i otherwise never would have tried. i’m also a little less afraid of asking for help or setting boundaries. therapy has that effect i guess. 

i’m also way more long-winded than before, i feel like, as presented here. oops. i also feel like i’m much more forgetful and scatterbrained than before. not sure if it’s from stress, or a natural progression of taking on more obligations and learning how to balance them, or a long term side effect of having who knows what pumped into me for a month straight three years ago. maybe all three?

10) do you believe in ghosts

nah. i don’t really have a wordy explanation as to why i don’t so you get a break from the wall of text from the previous question.

15) what is your favorite memory

questions like this are hard bc i have a pretty bad memory and favorite memories only come to me when i encounter something that reminds me of it? it’s really hard to call upon specific memories. but i’ll at least try to think of a nice one from recent memory, i’m sure it’ll be far from my favorite but that’s okay. 

hmm... oh actually my most recent birthday (abt 2.5 weeks ago) was really really nice? nothing super special happened; i got up, i went to work, i went home and bought myself an ice cream cake and video called my family. but throughout the day i had more people wishing me happy birthday than i ever had in my life. i’m a fairly active member of the rq official discord and i had no fewer than 2 dozen people immediately send happy birthday messages if they caught the implication from someone else (maybe more, that server is huge and it’s hard to keep track). and i’m in another, smaller server (you may be familiar uwu) where i’ve pretty fairly recently gotten to know a new group of people that seemed to pretty quickly welcome me into their friend group and i got some really nice birthday sentiments there too. and then at work i didn’t even really tell anyone it was my birthday, but i’m friends with one of my lab mates on facebook and he must have had birthday notifications on because he came by and wished me a happy birthday

obvs the last few months have been really isolating for just about everyone, but tbh it’s been especially hard for me bc i don’t really have many friends to begin with and definitely like no friends in my home town so my minimal social contact of like just small talk at the store and only having real conversations with coworkers being taken away has had me fairly down? but apparently over the past few months i have slowly been submitting myself to the mortifying ordeal of being known, even just a little bit, and reaping the rewards of being loved in return, no matter how small, felt really nice and made it a really special day uwuwuwuwu

17) what ‘small things’ things terrify you

i know i have some intangible existential fears that would definitely seem trivial to some people but see above point about having a really hard time calling upon specific memories, and also i’m in a good mood so i’m not gonna try too hard. but off the top of my head two silly weird fears i have are 1) heights and 2) having people around me start singing. 

1) i know heights are a very common fear/phobia but you don’t understand. i’m talking “i will literally freeze in place if i try to step onto this 4-inch stepstool, like seriously my conscious mind will not be able to lift my second foot onto the step, like it’s bolted to the ground” PETRIFIED of heights. i cannot stand on anything my brain perceives as not-solid-ground. this means i’m actually okay in airplanes and things like the st louis arch. i actually love that shit, i’ll look down at the ground and enjoy the view all day. but the second i have a single doubt about my ability to stay upright, fuck the fight/flight/freeze response. we are on 24/7 freeze/freeze/freeze response LOCKDOWN.

2) i’m talking flash mobs, i’m talking karaoke night, i’m talking people singing happy birthday to me. the idea of it puts me in “find an escape” mode, and being in it gives me the worst second-hand embarrassment ever, even if it’s all in good fun and there’s no reason for anyone involved to be embarrassed. this extends even to movie musical numbers (i actually skipped the scene in the tavern in disney’s tangled bc it gave me weird anxiety) and shit like hearing someone i know from another medium begin to sing (this is why it took me so long to check out the mechs and also why i cannot listen to recordings of friends singing as much as it would mean a lot to them for me to do so). idk if there’s a name for this phenomenon or if i’m the only person on the planet with this weird almost-or-maybe-complete phobia.

[averygim]

hello all. you can call me cal or jeepers, which is my discord name and i think is funny tbh, but i mostly go by cal. my pronouns are they/them and ‘m in the est timezone. i’m a bit late to the game but i’m still v excited to introduce my child avery to ya’ll. below is a whole mass of text that’ll help you get to know this mess of a child. uwu it’s easiest to reach me on discord at jeepers creepers #5103, but i also try and respond as quick as i can to tumblr ims so it’s really whatever you prefer !!

basics

name: avery gim job: baker at peau d’amour age: twenty-five gender: cismale pronouns: he/him sexuality: grey-asexual / panromantic birthday: february 6th zodiac: aquarius personality type:  advocate | infj pinterest board: HERE

aesthetic

the haunting sound of a piano in a memory you can’t quite reach

a warm summer night spent watching fireflies dance among the trees

a bite of a fresh peach that leaves your mouth sticky and sweet

theme song: the 7th sense by nct u

hatred that will not go away and dreams that torture me the clock laughs at me, it does not give a single error i’m a mess, I don’t even know myself, my future is colored darkly i’m struggling, coloring this night even blacker in the irregularity that’s hard to understand there’s a story that’s deeply hidden eyes are being opened through this song your dreams are being read it’s being awakened from a deep sleep my seventh sense

positive & negative

affable ( adj ) : friendly, good-natured, or easy to talk to.

languid ( adj ) : (of a person, manner, or gesture) displaying or having a disinclination for physical exertion or effort; slow and relaxed.

versatile ( adj ) : able to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities.

candid ( adj ) :  truthful and straightforward; frank.

then

it begins when he’s four years old - this obsession in him. his parents couldn’t have expected that sending their son to piano lessons we enact such a wild passion in their small, quiet boy. it was hard to pick out at first. often, they would pick their child up from his lesson to find his small chubby cheeks stained with tears. his parents assumed he was simply being stubborn about learning the instrument. they would see the kids dragged to the lessons bemoaning their distaste to it to their parents and would tell each other “our boy is simply quiet with his dislike for it. he has never been a talker.” and  would keep taking him week after week. the piano teacher couldn’t enlighten them to what was going through their child’s mind in terms of why he seemed to work himself up into such a state. she explained to them that he seemed attentive whenever she would teach him and it was only until he started to practice on his own that the tears would begin. neither parties could get a word out of the child though he often seemed to calm fairly quickly post lesson, spending the car ride home pressing his small fingers into his thighs as though there was an invisible piano etched into his skin. at one point, his parents seemed to give in a bit to their uncertainty of how their child was doing, offering to take him out of the lessons. the aggressive shake of the four years old’s head and high squeaky voice insisting “ no, no !! “ was quite the surprise. it wasn’t until a year later, when he began to find his voice that he admitted to his piano teacher that he just loved piano so much, he couldn’t stop himself from crying whenever he got to play. the teacher passed this along to the parents with much amusement and relief.

the passion the young boy had for the instrument didn’t falter over the years, even as his peers turned to other extracurriculars and sports rather than the piano. his parents opted to get him a keyboard to set up in his room on his seventh birthday, still wary about how long he would remain content with the lessons. they had never enjoyed the instrument with such conviction when they were forced to take lessons growing up. it was, at least, comforting to know that their quiet child still enjoyed spending time doing kid things, such as playing outside, playing pretend and colouring. he even showed an interest in baking, which he often did with his grandmother, much to the disbelief of his father. still, he was a good child and despite the wariness his father had of allowing him to indulge in his more feminine hobbies ( he was very much stuck in the throws of toxic masculinity ), his mother and grandparents supported him fully in whatever he wanted to do. so during the week, he would go to his piano lessons and play with the neighbourhood kids outside. then, on the weekends, he would spend time with his mother’s parents, often baking some sort of treat with his grandmother and listening to his grandfather tell tall tales of his own childhood.

as he got older, his skill in piano progressed more and more. between his lessons and the studious way he practiced, he ended up participating in a variation of different concerts. by the time he reached his early teens, he was playing with the adult orchestra with nine years of lessons and experience under his belt. it was an astounding thing- to hear him play. it was as if this lazy, beautiful human was gifted with talent from the gods, but he wasn’t. he worked for his ability. countless hours pressing fingers into plastic keys. perhaps that is why, for his sixteenth birthday, his grandparents and parents pulled together the money to buy him a grand piano. it was then, upon walking into the home to find the piano gracing the room that used to be the den of their house, that he discovered he hadn’t quite outgrown his habit of crying when overwhelmed with emotion.

between creating compositions, practicing, baking with his grandma, and the hell that was high school, he didn’t have much time for anything else. he didn’t mind. he was content with his work, both with the piano and at school. he had a tendency to overwork himself within the confines of his piano room and bedroom between the two. this led to him developing a bad reputation of being a lazy and privileged individual who got away with sleeping in class. his peers saw him as someone favoured by teachers, when in truth it was simply because he’d had multiple discussions previously with them about being awake in class. many of them had agreed to let it slide so long as his grades were maintained. it was a necessary thing to seek as if his parents found out they would no doubt put restrictions on how he was working. 

despite the peer isolation, which later led to a fair amount of social awkwardness on his part, he seemed to get along great with those he went up against in competitions. perhaps it was their shared love or enjoyment of the instrument. regardless, he created a group of friends outside of the school scene and, despite many of them being older than him, he was respected and treated much better than others his age treated him. 

the summer post high school graduation saw him doing something no one could have predicted ( aside from his grandfather who swears up and down that he saw this coming since he was seven years old ). he set out on a tour of major cities, performing alone on a stage with simply a piano, a mask, and a single spotlight. see, in the latter years of his teens, he really blew up thanks to the internet. he became known under a moniker the he’d used on his youtube channel, which he would post videos of his personal compositions and covers of songs on. it led to some artists and producers reaching out collaborate, which, in turn, increased his popularity.

( car accident tw ) life was good for five years. he got to do what he loved and loved what he did. of course, all good things must come to an end, even if that good thing felt like it is your entire life. at twenty three, the now grown quiet boy got into a car accident. a drunk driver hit the car his mother was driving with him in the passenger seat. his mother survived with a few bruised ribs and a broken arm while he came out of it with severe head trauma. head trauma that, out of all things, resulted in hearing loss. the cochlea and hearing nerves in his inner ears were damaged to the point that it sounded like a hush fell over the world. it was a difficult reality to swallow. 

( depression tw ) it was a loss like no other. he could no longer hear his piano. he could no longer get lost in the world his music created. depression hit him heavy and hard, dragging him under in a suffocating hold. seventeen years. he’d been playing piano for seventeen years and now that ability was severely disabled. he withdrew, cutting ties with almost all of his friends who were apart of the music world. his parents didn’t know what to do with their quiet child who seemed to become deathly silent after the accident. the whole family had signed up in solidarity to learn asl alongside him. the only ones who seemed to muster out any sort of reactions or responses from him were his grandparents who struggled to learn the new way of communicating. he tried hearing aids in addition, however, the damaged required a more intensive solution. cochlear implants. he refused despite the struggle he still faced with the hearing aids. his family tried to get him to go through with the surgery, however he was an adult and it was his decision to make. so he continued to allow himself to waste away in the distorted world around him. his father responded to his state with anger, while his mother grieved and worried over him from afar. his grandparents were around as much as they could be, reaching out with patient hands. it would take two years for him to reach back.

twenty-four and feeling stuck, exhausted, and just down right sick, the quiet boy finally inched out of the shell the accident had left him in. it starts with therapy, then medication, and ends with stepping into the kitchen with his grandmother again. his piano remained untouched, gathering dust in his home behind a locked door. no one brought it up, not yet, and instead slow steps were eventually taken. he spoke for the first time post asl and hearing aids to his mother. his voice raspy and barely there from disuse. he couldn’t hear himself, but his mother had burst into tears as his grandparents smiled at each other with watery eyes. it was progress. slow progress, but they were glad that he was finally taking steps forward. 

it was five months after his twenty-fourth birthday that he decided to undergo the cochlear implant surgery. he held no hope for what he’d be able to do with the upgrade. he didn’t allow himself to think of the abandoned piano or the possibility of getting back into music. no, instead, he simply kept his eyes forward as though the past no longer existed. instead, he spent his time baking with his grandmother, helping with the small business she’d started when he was in middle school. the surgery was a success, but the quiet man did not cry when he was finally able to hear with more clarity. there were no tears of overwhelming happiness, instead he’d simply smiled at his mother when she asked if he could hear her and said yes.

it took him six months to decide he needed to move. despite his family still living in the area he grew up in, he needed to get away. he wanted out of the city and eventually settled on moving to beauhart, a place suggested by one of the few friends he kept in touch with post-accident. the official transition happened three months ago where he moved out of the apartment he bought for himself at twenty and into his own home. it was a bit large for just himself and his mother worried that he would fall back into bad habits, but he loved the old styled place. it had a front porch and was painted a gentle yellow. the front was filled with a garden of flowers and bushes that wrapped around to the fence that encased the backyard. his father hated it, but his grandparents had approved when they first saw it, having travelled with his mother to help with the unpacking once everything had arrived. it held more warmth than his apartment had. perhaps it was because he was going to be living in it full time or the character / personality the house itself had. regardless, he felt settled for the first time in almost two years. no one mentioned the grand piano that had been placed in the third bedroom of the house.

three months post move found him working at the local bakery. the early mornings were tough, but the consistency was enjoyable for him. it helped, significantly, with his mental health. he promised his mother to call at least twice a week and his grandmother almost every other day to gossip. despite his awkwardness with social cues and languid nature, he managed to make connections with other residents. things seemed to be looking up, though there still remained that empty part of him and a door unopened.

extras

he is, for all intents and purposes, socially an idiot. he can’t pick up verbal cues up very well and often chooses to ignore them even if they are glaringly obvious. some kind find this incredibly annoying or be endeared by it. usually it’s the former, though avery has never minded. he has no desire to be liked by everyone and is more than happy to continue going by the beat of his own drum.

definitely often produces the wrong first impressions, especially with his looks. he takes care of himself, has been instilled with the habit, especially after how rough his twenty-third and fourth year was. so it’s not often he goes out looking like the drowned rat he enjoys being at home. it’s part of his routine that has helped him stay on track mentally.

definitely a momma’s boy, but would literally do anything for his grandparents. he is planning on having them visiting him as soon as he manages to get his guest room furnished and decorated. 

 if he wants to avoid something, he ignores it. it’s a terrible coping habit that manifests in small instances and larger situations. it’s very childish in many ways, but his therapist has yet to be able to break him out of it. 

is looking into adopting an animal, but is torn between what sort of animal. he has been looking at the humane society, but has yet been able to decide.

he is very indecisive about the smallest of things, but somehow manages to be able to make the bigger and more important decisions ??? 

has a very weird and varied taste in music.

 learned korean from his grandparents when he was younger but primarily speaks english or asl. 

often moves around his house without his hearing aids and keeps things quiet. a book nerd post accident. his favourite thing to do is spend the day on his porch swing reading.

he has been thinking of taking online business courses to learn more about running/owning his own business. he hasn’t mentioned it to anyone, not is planning to, but when he thinks about the future he’s wondering if owning his own bakery could be a possible option.

honestly a sleepy boy even though he has a perfectly reasonable sleep schedule ???

doesn’t know how to flirt. doesn’t even know how to hold a conversation with someone he has a crush on. is very awkward with them.

likes to try and make wacky things (baking wise) when bored then try and make you try it without any forewarning. 

is actually pretty good at making elaborate cakes and frosting designs. does cake commissions on the side for birthdays, in fact.

gets lost really easily. its been three months and he still sometimes forgets where to turn when driving home.

will steal your pet if you leave him alone with them ( not literally ).

is terrible at texting and is the type of person to call you to have a conversation. this is mostly because he’s too lazy to text.

enjoys memes and quotes them sarcastically, sometimes when it’s definitely not appropriate.

has a habit of staring without meaning too. this could either be off into space or actually at someone. he doesn’t necessarily mean to do it. at times it’s a case of dissociation and others it’s simply him having no common sense and/or is blatant day dreaming.

will not ride as a passenger in a car. he’s been able to drive again post implants but the trauma of the accident has caused him a real fear of being someone else’s passenger. 

sometimes, without him realizing it, he’ll mime playing the piano. the habit of pressing his fingers into invisible keys too engrained to erase. he attempts to avoid music a lot, especially classical. it’s somewhat impossible to do at work and outside of his home. at times, he gives in to his desire to try and hear it the way he used to and will blast the music until he can feel the base thrumming in his veins. it’s as detoxing as it is frustrating. as much as he can hear, it will never be like it used to be for him.

if you read all of this i applaud you. tell me your favourite colour, animal, and/or food and then we can plot C:<

[speciallymary]

Autoimmune disorders- Alopecia and Underactive Thyroid: Friends/Enemies Since Forever

I'm on the rollercoaster of trying to love myself while Alopecia is in complete control and deciding how fast new bald spots are popping up. I want to tell my story.

When I was in preschool, I started showing signs of thinning hair, but my mom didn't take much notice because I was constantly growing it back relatively quickly. She did notice that parts of my scalp were extra tender, and when messed with enough, caused redness and tiny bits of swelling to occur. She chalked it up to me being rough with my hair and her braiding my hair a little tight (which was never the case in reality).

Kindergarten: I started to complain of always being hot, being so incredibly tired, and quarter size bald spots start popping up. This is when my mom takes notice and starts bringing it up with doctors. Doctors say I may have a slow metabolism, causing my tiredness, I was a little bit bigger than most kids my age (but definitely NOT fat when looking back at my flat stomach and not touching thighs), so I retain heat easier. The doctor said I could be pulling my hair without my mom knowing, and said to come back for my next yearly checkup with concerns if it gets worse.

1st grade: the exhaustion hits me like a truck. I can barely make it through a full day of school without falling asleep in class. As soon as I get home, I sleep until I need to wake up the next morning to go to the babysitter's house. Most of the time, I sleep through dinner and breakfast, leaving only lunch as my actual meal of the day. My teacher, nurse, and mom come together and make a plan, I take a 20 minute nap towards the end of the day if I need it, the class gets more time to do homework in class, and I only am graded on the work I complete, even if I don't actually finish assignments. My dad was still alive at this time, and did not like that I was asleep all the time, but no matter what they did to wake me, it never worked. He then dubbed me his Sleep Beauty. My mom only recently told me that the school started questioning if I was being hurt outside of school, and apparently did involve a caseworker, in which I was interviewed during a play therapy session (which I don't remember) and my mom had medical records sent to show that the doctor knew the symptoms I was having and that they weren't from abuse.

2nd grade: The year my doctor realizes my diagnosis of Alopecia, but knows that something else is going on and refers me to a specialist, refusing to see me as he didn't feel qualified for my case since I was so young. This is when I was diagnosed. I met with a team of specialists from all over my state at a Children's Hospital an hour away from my hometown. They immediately know what it is what they walk in the room, but require blood testing to back up the diagnosis of Underactive Thyroid, which would take a few days after the visit to receive. They then tell me that my Alopecia isn't a stand alone diagnosis, and that I don't have a primary diagnosis with a secondary diagnosis. My alopecia is stand alone, but also entwined with my underactive thyroid. They hoped that the alopecia would only last a year, and that if they got my underactive thyroid under control, that it would help reverse the effects of the alopecia. I got to meet 3 endocrinologists in the state, and fell in love with the one that worked in the hospital that the meeting took place in. We made our first appointment with her, were given a wide variety of pamphlets, and sent on our way. The specialists did make one mistake, though. They thought my alopecia had just popped up, but I had it for at least 2 years at this point, which they would later realize when their theoretical year ended. This was the year that I lost A LOT of hair. I had to cut my long, straight locks to a short bob cut to help my hair look fuller. This was when I started asking questions about my hair dying, what an autoimmune disorder was, and if I would be able to beat it, whatever it was. This was also the first time I got to break a school rule: by wearing hats in school. My mom met with my principal and teacher, and I was allowed to wear a hat in school and would be encouraged to wear one outside during recess and outdoor activities to protect the fragile skin on my head. By the end of the year, I didn't have much hair left, but I had my baseball hats and bandanas, so I was okay. This was also when my class/school was told of my diagnosis with my mom and I's consent, because it was easier to explain it once and know what slightly new expectations there were.

3rd grade: This was the year I started the process of getting on the right medication and medication levels. It was determined that I was not a candidate for the shots in the scalp, which would have been once a month for me, and the only alternative at the time for me was medication. I had never had to take pills before, so my mom had to get creative in crushing pills for my crying self to be able to take them. This was also when I lost all my hair the first time. I felt a little naked sometimes, but I always had a color coordinated bandana or hat at the ready, so it was an easy comfort blanket at the time. My teacher spent a lot of one-on-one time with me, helping me with anxiety, self-esteem, and body perception issues. She also kept me inside when UV rays were high, because even through a light hat, my skin would still burn at times. 2nd and 3rd grade were the years that I learned to write out feelings through assignments for the first time, any way I could.

4th grade was a big year, in a good and very bad way. I gained about half my hair back, then lost my father in March of that school year. I almost instantly lost all of my hair from the stress and grief, but my teacher, class, and school were so incredibly supportive. I missed a week and a day of school, for the passing, viewing, and funeral of my dad. My teacher was also my first male teacher, and helped me learn to express myself to people other than women and feel comfortable doing it. He instantly became a pseudo-uncle for me, and helped me through the few bouts of grief that I experienced in his room. This was also the year we went on a camping trip to conduct science projects. An anonymous donor funded my trip, and all of the supplies I needed for the trip, as no one wanted me to miss out on the BIG school field trip because of the passing of my dad. I got to learn what family meant in every sense, and knew I was in a supportive community. This was also when my friends started answering what my diagnosis was for me whenever someone asked. It was uncomfy for me to say the same thing over and over whenever someone new met me at school, so my friends took over, and whole classes talked about what it was so that they didn't have to ask me, which I greatly appreciated.

5th grade was rough for me emotionally, and to be honest, I don't remember much past my emotional breakdowns, frequent visits to the counseling office, and regularly getting sick from medication changes that required me to miss a lot of school. A lot of good things happened that year, and my teacher (another male), was super supportive, and was okay with me randomly crying in class, or darting out to cry in a stall for a few minutes before returning to class with freshly dabbed eyes. He owned a floral and decoration shop downtown at the time, and ended up getting a stuffed animal from his store that I particularly loved and having everyone sign a card from the store to give to me during Feb/March in the school year, the first anniversary of my dad's death, which was one of the hardest. This was also the year that I became a library ambassador, so I got to spend lunch/recess in the library reading to kindergarten kids and helping them learn to love reading as much as me! (Tbh, I honestly don't remember how much hair I had that year, but I know I did have some growth, but lost it at least once during the school year). This was also when my endocrinologist realized I was not going to outgrow the Alopecia, and changed her perspective on my diagnosis. I was moved from a mild-moderate diagnosis to moderate-severe, which I have stayed ever since.

6th grade: I lost my hair yet again, but also became eligible for my first wig. This was also the first year that new kids arrived in my grade and didn't know what I had or what it was about, but everyone in my grade and below knew, but wanted me to be the ones to tell them. We actually gained the new classmate(s) the first week I had my new wig, and my teacher had to miss that week, so they couldn't help with making those connections as well. This was also the first time I lost friends because of my hair loss, as when I told these new people, they were shocked, but processed it and continued to be friends with me for a while before telling me that they didn't want to be around me anymore because I was bald and "had holes in my head." Most of my class didn't support them in these actions, but continued to be friends with them because of other connections and similarities. This was also when I had anxiety of going to middle school and having to explain my hair situation all over again and being judged. My teacher had a lot of conversations with me about this worry, and it was noted in my records so that I had "proper supports" in middle school.

7th grade: the year from hell. I was bullied from the few friends I had from elementary school, as I went to the other middle school than most of my elementary school friends. I had a plan ready, but knew that I would do it at school if I did it, because my mom had just gotten comfortable in living at home without dad for the first time that year. My exhaustion got worse, I lost a lot of my hair growth from the summer, and my symptoms were all over the place no matter the medication changes due to the amount of stress and anxiety I was under going to and attending school. Classes and the library were my escape, as those bullies were not in the honors classes that I was, and were mostly too loud for the library in the morning and during lunch. I had break downs every morning going into school, and my mom would have to drag me into the wrong door of the building to meet the principal and nurse at the doors, then have me wait with staff until the counselor came in to talk with me about what was going on. No one believed me that I was being bullied, and all thought I was grieving my dad's passing, but the librarian offered me a position in opening and closing the library every day with her and joining her during lunch hour after I finished my lunch. This is what saved me, and this kick started my hair growing back, and my stress levels dropping, which helped with my underactive thyroid.

8th grade: I had a whole new group of friends through the connections the librarian made naturally with me, and I was so happy and supported. A lot of personal stuff also happened in middle school, so this helped tremendously in me living a better life as a fully functional student with natural supports built in. My teachers were aware of my diagnosis and my loss at this point, and whenever I struggled, would encourage me to write out my feelings, walk me to the counselor personally, or have me complete assignments in the library with my now pseudo-aunt, the librarian. I also gained most of my hair back, and for the first time, it was shirley temple curly! Everyone was astounded, and the endocrinologist was excited at how much growth I had in one year's time, as no one in the midwest had seen that in cases similar to mine.

High school: my hair came and went a few times more, but I never hid anything except maybe wear a hat outside during marching band. I had a completely new set of friends because of band, and fell in love with the peer tutoring program in the special education department, so I had support in all forms. I did have some bad autoimmune flareups in which I got very, very sick very, very quickly. But living with a chronic illness, I was sick most of the time and wouldn't say anything about it because it was/is my normal. So the nurse knew that if I went to her office, something was really wrong, and most of the time ended up with me leaving school immedoately for a hospital or emergency doctor's visit. I wore my hair all natural from my memory, and I only grew my hair all of high school, except for one cut (which was one bigger trim of about 6 inches taken off in total). My senior year, I did have a little more thinning in my hair overall, and was afraid I'd lose it all at the end of high school, but my hair never had the straw-like consistency that it did in my younger years whenever I lost all my hair.

Freshman year: I grew it out more, to almost my butt, when I chopped it off to about collar bone length during spring break. That was so freeing to feel like I could do things with my hair again.

Sophomore year: I had my hair cut again right before I moved back to school for band, and the hairstylist was one I had never been to before but at the same studio I went to, and cut it to my ears. For a while, I was worried that it was too short. Everyone told me it would grow out, but I'm not guaranteed the time for it to do that, and explained that to people. The time I had in high school and the start of college was a gift, but the doctors always tell me that if I lose my hair, there is no guarantee I will get it back at all. Looking back at my band pictures, I was cute as hell, and didn't have to put my hair up under my shako, just pin back the front part of my hair to keep it out of my face.

Junior year to now: oh boy, I noticed spots popping up that I hadn't had in a really long time. I was always used to having at least 2 small spots now, but the spots started popping up all over, have joined into bigger spots, and now I currently have about half my hair with about 9 spots taking my hair away at different rates. It'll grow rapidly in some areas then randomly slow down. I am actually getting married next year, and I want my hair so I can have a fun hairdo, but I'm preparing for being patchy, in which I have agreements with people I trust that if it gets to a point in which I can't cover everything anymore, I'll shave it and do alternative gemstones on my head in place of a veil and hairdo for the wedding. I did all natural in childhood, and looking back at the pictures, I don't have the confidence to do long patches of hair again. I'm trying to accept the loss of hair again, but also love myself in my current state, as I may never be in this spot ever again in my hair journey.

I have been completely baby-butt bald, peach fuzz bald, patchy halos bald, full head of hair with minimal spots, and a fullish head of hair with major spots. My hair has been perfectly pin straight, wavy, curly as heck, and for the past several years, an exact 50/50 of either wavy and curly or straight and curly. The split is literally one half is on texture, and the other half is a different texture.

My doctors have told me I would never get my eyelashes or eyebrows back again, and that's mostly true. I have very faint eyebrows that are very thin that may or may not randomly grow in more full/darken in color, and I actually prefer no eyebrows for myself, as I actually raise my eyebrows in all pictures as a natural response to open my eyes more, and I don't look as crazy compared to penciled in eyebrows doing the same reaction in a picture.

I have never had and mostly never will have hair on my armpits, and I constantly surprise myself in how much hair some people have on their armpits, but support all the armhairs or lack their of!

I only recently learned how to shave my legs, because up until then, I would mostly lose my leg hair in the summers due to more exposure to elements and gain more of it back in the winters.

I have "thyroid syndrome of the eyes" in which my underactive thyroid affects my eyesight in not only blurriness, but also double vision and other visual impairments that have just recently finally started to be corrected with added prisms in all directions to my glasses that I had to first start wearing in 7th grade when I suddenly couldnt see much at all.

I get migraines and headaches easily, mainly because of the part of the brain that works with the thyroid and when my medicine is off, it affects that part of my head. I also have been way more light, sound, and motion sensitive in the past couple of years, but much more compounded in the last year.

But it is who I am, and whenever anyone asks me if I ever want to take my autoimmune disorders away, I confidently say no. Why? Because it makes me who I am today. I matured and still mature within myself which helps me accept others' differences as well. I connect with the individuals I work with in the special needs community that my coworkers, peers, and typical individuals cannot. I'm upfront with those I interact with about my disorders once we have an established connection and I feel safe telling them the information.

Yes, I do have problems with anxiety, trust, self-esteem, and body impressions of myself. But my alopecia and underactive thyroid know when to kick me in the pants a little bit to get me to realize different life lessons. It's made my heart so much bigger because of my struggles that I've gone through, am going through, and will go through.

I've been on the same medication since 3rd grade, with varying levels of prescription. But my tolerance is high, yet I can't change prescriptions due to me having horrific reactions to the other medications. There will most likely come a day in which my thyroid will stop working and I will have to have surgety to remove it and be on hormonal medication the rest of my life, but I'm always going to be on some sort of hormonal medication for the rest of my life anyway.

Also, I've struggled with getting the help I needed medically with anxiety and depression and being on a hormonal medication. My doctors wouldn't put me on any depression or anxiety medicine until I started college because they didn't want to effect my thyroid medication. So I have been in and out of counseling almost all of my life, and most likely will continue throughout my life when I need it. Now, I have the help I need with supportive and safe network, a counseling program, and the medicine I need to be my best. I also have connections to social workers and other specialists that can make immediate arrangements if my needs are not met ever again.

This isn't even my full story, but the thread of consciousness that I wanted to share right now about my autoimmune disorders. Thanks for reading all of it!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #154

“the wind is screaming, it’s screaming your name; it sounds like fear.”

What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?  nononononoNONONONO. Last time you puked from drinking?  Never. What books, if any, have made you cry?  Johnny Got His Gun, Old Yeller, The Outsiders (I think; I know the movie did), The Notebook, uhhh others, I'm sure. Does it get annoying when somebody says they’ll call you, but doesn’t?  It depends on the person, but honestly, almost never.  I hate talking on the phone. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor?  Usually vanilla, but sometimes I'm all about chocolate, especially if I can't put chocolate syrup on it. When was the last time you slept on the floor?  Jeez, probably when me and Jason did at my house.  I've slept on an inflatable mattress since, but I'm guessing you mean literally on the floor with blankets and such. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?  I dunno.  I doubt it really, but don't potatoes have all the nutrients you actually need to survive?  If so, then probably that, but otherwise, uh.  I dunno, I'd get tired of things or die 'cuz I'm not getting what I need. I could say shakes, but I consider those drinks. Have you ever given someone oral sex?  Yeah, fucking hated it.  I'm bi, yes, but visually, penises are disgusting to me.  I don't want it in my mouth.  I only ever really did it to make him happy.  I'm open to trying it with a girl, but who knows if I'd like it. What's your favorite lyric from the last song you listened to?  "Hey, hey, NRA, how many kids did you kill today?" ("Shelter In Place" by Otep) Are you friends with someone that has a baby?  My best friend does. How many different towns/cities have you lived in?  Three. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity?  No. How many pets do you have? Would you like any more?  Six, and I kinda want another snake to breed with Venus when she's big enough.  I want to keep at least one of the babies to help with Sara's snake breeding passion. Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm?  Oh yeesh, yeah.  I've fallen in love with Powerwolf recently and thus play a number of their songs repeatedly. How many bedrooms does your home have?  Two. How many times do you use a bath towel before washing it?  Once.  Annoys the hell out of Mom but like, I feel like there may be leftover germs I'm getting off + maybe dead skin 'cuz my skin in dry as fuck??? What time do you usually eat dinner?  This can vary from 6:00 to like almost 9:00.  I can't cook and Mom works late, so.  I'll make my own microwavable things if I can't wait for her to make something. Do you know any narcissists?  Jason????? Dillon????? dat u???????? Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious?  I don't believe so? In which were you happiest: elementary, middle, or high school?  Elementary. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid?  Video games. You can bring back one dead pet to life. Which one?  Cali, for Mom.  She misses her so much. Rock, paper, or scissors?  I think I usually do scissors. Who was the last person to ask you out? Girt. What are your favorite pajamas you have? My purple, black, and white Jack Skellington ones ahhh What’s your least favorite ice-cream flavor?  Strawberry is disgusting. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier?  NOOOOO.  This is totally inverted from how it used to be, but I'm more likely to feel down when it's dark. Are there a lot of cookbooks in your house, or just a few? Or maybe none at all?  Mom has tons she never uses. Who are your godparents?  I don't think I have any. Can you touch​ your nose with your tongue?​​  No. What brand is your toothpaste?  Crest. Are you currently broken out?  No. What was the last hotel you stayed at? I dunno. Do you have a favorite NASCAR driver?  No. Eyeliner. Yes or no?  If I wear makeup, that's the bare minimum. What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make?  Let Jason go or continue to let what we had ruin my life. Where is the last beach you went to?  Myrtle Beach, NC. Have you ever been rock climbing?  Nah, not interested. Have you ever played Gamecube?  No. What has been the biggest event for you to overcome?  Recovery.  It changed me for the better so much. Do you have a favorite pet?  No one can beat Teddy.  I doubt any pet ever will. When someone drops something do you immediately go and pick it up for them?  If I’m close, unless they're already reaching for it, yes. Could you call your best friend right now and tell them your biggest secret, and trust them to keep it?  HAHAHAHA NO tbh.  I love her, but she tells people everything. Have you ever played Wii Fit?  Yup.  Everyday one summer, lost 40 pounds, got in great shape. Have you ever touched a caterpillar?  Yeah, loved picking up the ordinary ones as a kid. Is there a YouTube channel whose videos you always watch?  I will watch literally any video Mark makes. How often do you feel lonely?  This is like.  Almost a daily struggle. Do you struggle with depression?  I'm diagnosed with it, but it's well-controlled now! While in a relationship, do you ever think about its possible end?  I worry about it BADLY.  Even in my current one where I feel completely secure, I have some spans of "what if" anxiety. What is the worst treatment you’ve had to put up with from someone else?  Ummmm.  I dunno. What’s the longest you’ve gone without eating?  24 hours, probs. Do you like watching music videos?  No.  I just care about the music. Which, if any, drug have you ever abused?  None. Do you know your mail (wo)man?  No. Honestly, are you often high-maintenance/hard to please?  No. Are there any flags flying outside at your home?  No. Will you vote in the next presidential election?  If the remaining candidates don't fucking suck, yes. Tell me about someone that you know dislikes you. What do you think is about you they don’t like?  The one person I know doesn't is my best friend's mom, but I can't tell you exactly why.  There's no telling what Colleen told her after our fight, but.  Colleen has told me her mom thinks I could "hurt" her son somehow.  I was fucking livid.  I adore that boy and would do anything to protect him.  Oh yeah, know she mentioned I was a bad influence, too.  But hey, the hate is mutual, I've never been able to stand her. Tell me about something you’re afraid of. Why does it frighten you?  Getting heartbroken again.  Last time tore me the fuck apart, I seriously don't know if I could do it again.  Worst pain I have ever experienced. Is there someone you could hang out with all the time, without ever getting bored of them?  Sara <3 Have you ever liked someone else when you already had a boyfriend/girlfriend? What happened?  Yup, first high school crush Sebastian.  And nothing really happened; he was taken (though I'm pretty sure he had at least mild feelings for me too), though it was at a complicated point.  Then I met Jason. What mountain ranges have you seen?  The Appalachians. Where would you most like to go in your state, etc that you haven’t been?  THERE'S AN ABANDONED WIZARD OF OZ-THEMED PARK IN THE WEST AND I WANNA VISIT. Have you ever seen or touched an iceberg?  No. Where was the most remote location you’ve ever been to? I dunno. What is your most unhealthy habit? Not exercising? Has your house ever been damaged in a storm? A tree fell on our old house during a hurricane.  It didn't cause severe damage or anything, though. What’s the least amount you’ve weighed since reaching your full height? ~118.  Hilarious. Do you think it’s cruel to keep an animal in a cage while you’re away?  Depends on the size of the cage and how long they're staying in there. Are you scared of reptiles?  Not at all. Does death scare you?  Not that much. Do you use a comb or brush?  Comb now that my hair's short. When you were younger, did you ever do that exclamation point that looked like an upside down triangle and had a really big dot?  No. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed?  She's my girlfriend. Are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over?  If I could get over my breakup, I can get over anything. Have you ever turned to smoking or drinking to solve a problem?  New Years of 2017 I actually did try to get drunk for that purpose. Would you mind dating someone significantly shorter than you?  No. What’s on your bedside table? Yeesh, a lot.  A fan, a basket with all my meds in it, sketchbook, notebook, my folder full of things from Holly Hill as well as my therapy homework folder.  There's other miscellaneous stuff too. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?  This is pathetic, but probably like... no amount.  My life sadly revolves around it, just about. What are some things on your holiday wishlist?  Always tattoo money lmao.  But I'd really love a drawing tablet, but a decent quality one.  Can't have both. Who accompanied you to your first concert?  Jason, Mom, and Nicole. What’s the temperature outside?  Phone says 79.  Gonna get to 90, though. Have you ever been in detention?  Yes, too many tardies getting to school. Do you wear black to look skinnier?  Not for that reason, but it's a plus lol. Do you have scars on your wrists?  You can barely see them, but they're there. How about anywhere else?  Yeah, quite a few. Do you post things on Facebook that are personal?  No. Has the last person you kissed ever taken their shirt off in front of you?  Just to change it. Would you ever get in the passenger seat of a car with someone who’s been drinking?  Fuck that. What is a topic you definitely don’t want to talk about with anyone?  How I'm 99% sure I lost my virginity. What is the craziest hairstyle and color you’ve had?  Style, probably what I had before this where I had short hair on most of my left side and it faded to long.  Color, purple. What was your first gaming console?  Original PlayStation. Which fictional villain is your favorite?  Um obviously Darkiplier???????? What’s the last thing you’ve made with your hands?  Hm.  Dunno. Which hair color would you never want to have?  Yellow. Who’s the last person you talked to about sex?  Sara. What is the wallpaper on your phone?  My lock screen is a heavy reminder that I am still straight as fuck for Mark, home screen is my favorite pic of me and Sara. What was the last thing you wrote down?  Stuff at the tattoo/piercing parlor to get my tongue done. What is your least favorite color?  Puke green or olive. What’s the most boring sport to watch?  Golf.  Sara, don't tell your dad I said that.

[bthump]

I've been re-reading the last few chapters and I keep recalling Skull Knight's words that Casca regaining her sanity might not be what she wishes. On the other hand we have a Guts who smiled, who enjoys having reliable comrades and has prioritized Casca over his revenge. Things are eerily calm in this group. The story's focal point is Griffith/ Guts and the latter's revenge, and seeing him calm rn makes me wonder what will occur to fuel his revenge. What do you think this event will be?

Idk if this is a prediction or wishful thinking lol, but if I had to lay down a bet I think she’s going to wake up, have all the Eclipse related betrayal and despair and trauma hit her, and use the behelit, then go for revenge herself. I’ve been theorizing this for a while and tbh I haven’t come up with anything better yet so I’m still going with it.

My hopes for her getting a happy ending away from Guts are essentially zero, especially since reading in an interview that Miura only had her survive the Eclipse so Guts wouldn’t be able to fully move on.

And I’m assuming that Skull Knight’s warnings are going to come to something other than Casca being prickly for a while before hooking back up with Guts or w/e, then getting killed to make him want revenge again. Dramatic shudder.

So what I really want is for her to finally, finally react to what happened to her, and for that reaction to be epic as fuck.

 I also think it’s plausible because:

there’ve been a lot of ominous shots of the behelit recently

flora specifically suggested guts might be carrying it for someone else

guts revenge quest was bad for him partially because it wasn’t his right to avenge the hawks after abandoning them, but if anyone earned some vengeance it’s casca

griffith instinctively acted to save casca once, giving him a huge weakness against her

“What will she do if she does get her sanity back?” Just sounds so delightfully ominous and suggests Casca actively doing something Guts wouldn’t like.

guts’ revenge quest is played out imo, time for something new. also seeing casca decide to go full monster in her rage would probably fuck him up and wake up the beast of darkness, so it would still motivate him to do something

honestly there’s some great stuff with morality and apostles just waiting to be explored and seeing a beloved character turn into one would be really interesting

Casca’s strong, badass, and her anger manifests in violent lashing out making her a perfect candidate to take over the revenge stuff.

also more reasons i made a big list ages ago here

I think Guts hasn’t really given up on the idea of revenge yet - he was still fantasizing about going back after Griffith while on the boat - but it would be pretty anticlimatic if Casca just stuck around in Elfhelm to recover while Guts went “ok side quest over, back to the main quest now,” so I’m sure there’s going to be something more to it.

And I like the idea of Casca taking over the revenge quest and Guts maybe re-evaluating himself, his motives, etc, while fucked up once again because things went south and he did something with mostly good intentions and everything got all fucked up anyway.

Like tbh I think that the conflict as it’s set up now, ie revenge = bad, helping Casca = good, is much, much too simplistic for a story like Berserk. It’s boring lol, whether it ends up tragic and Guts backslides back into revenge, whether he continues doing the “right” thing and chooses Casca over it, it’s still black and white. In the Golden Age there were no easy right or wrong options - eg Guts thought he was doing the right thing by leaving, turned out to be a huge mistake that fucked everything up, and I really liked that. I think the current arc has the potential to be similar which would be great imo.

Guts isn’t helping Casca solely out of the goodness of his heart, he’s doing it because he wants the old Casca back despite misgivings and warnings that he might be going about it the wrong way - and he’s doing it to distract himself from revenge, and also from the fact that he’s not so gung-ho about revenge now that Griffith looks human again. Imo. It doesn’t have to be as simple as revenge = bad, magical therapy = good, and looking closely at Guts’ motivations makes me wonder and hope that, like the Golden Age, a seemingly positive choice could have negative consequences, and the secret actual right choice is dealing with your many issues, Guts, instead of running off for a dream, or revenge, or to “force” someone’s sanity back.

[kairi-lansley]

New Music! New Album Coming Soon!

https://www.reverbnation.com/MadameBabylon/song/28982429-princess-breakdown-demo

Hello faithful followers!

I have been attempting to set up a mailing list for Madame Bablon for quite some time and it appears that Reverbnation has already done that for me (I'm a little technologically challenged tbh).

If you haven't been keeping a close eye on my page then I would like to welcome you to check it out! I am currently in the process of writing a new album (my first actually complete album in almost five years) which will be titled "Princess Breakdown." This album is in a way a concept album. Without going into too much detail, I suffered a very bad nervous breakdown near the end of October and decided to work through it with music instead of seeking hospitalization. As time is going on I am getting better, healing, but I still have quite a ways to go. "Princess Breakdown" is about all those things that led to this catastrophic moment of my life. In essence I am stripping myself, piece by piece, song by song, and exposing things that I never dared to bring to life before.

There are a few reasons why I am doing this. I have decided after literal YEARS of dealing with my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in silence and out of the public's view that it was time to stop the facade. I know I am not the only one suffering and although we have made some progress in being able to talk openly about mental illness, there is still one hell of a stigma attached to it. I have allowed myself to have this breakdown publicly, in front of everyone, I want to (as the great Emilie Autumn says in her incredible narrative "The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls) live my life out in the open in the middle of the street where it is safest. By doing this and writing this album I am hoping to be able to reach out to those out there who suffer with their own mental illnesses and tell them:

"You have no need to hide who you are anymore."

For very many of us, mental illness is (sadly) a part of who we are. Yes, it is an ugly truth. Yes, it is a terribly messed up thing to admit. But I no longer see any reason to feel shame in any of this. Much of the world is... sympathetic... to a point towards people like us until things get to bad. That's when they demand we must seek hospitalization when for some of us that is not an option. I'm my case, I was told that the next time I opt in for hospitalization I will be a candidate for ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) which is not something I ever wish to ever undergo. For what am I without my memories?

This album is about breaking that stigma. This album is about embracing your mental illness, not allowing it to rule you, but allowing yourself to be friend it so when it comes for an unexpected visit you can allow it to linger for however long it wants to stay before it leaves again. This album is about saying it is okay to feel suicidal, to feel hopeless, and that in the end every storm must pass and although the storms can come and go there will always be wonderful times in between when the sky is clear, the sun is shining, and you can smeel the flowers.

I have posted two demo songs from the album to my Reverbnation Page. One is named "Shipwrecked" and the other is the title song "Princess Breakdown." Feel free to give them a listen and spread them around. You can also listen to and watch beta versions of the songs from the album on my youtube page! Also, did I mention that this album will be completely done with just piano, vocals, and drums? If you liked The Dresden Dolls then this album should be right up your alley.

So much love to you all!

-Madame Babylon