#bald eagle machine

[goldmanguyperson]

Photograph by James Geddes.

it do be like that

[colortraks]

[surlynotaperson]

Y’all ever wonder that since AM was specifically an American war machine before all the Mastercomputers were hooked up together,

Does he just have a lot of American specific propaganda stored in his files that he just…can’t get rid of or else he can’t function? Like once every ten years or so he forgets to skip his 4th of July celabration protocol and the survivors have to deal with the most obnoxious propaganda filled show as possible. And during the beginning of his existence he had to figure out how to turn off his pledge of allegiance alarm

And because of this the only thing he hates even slightly as much as humans is bald eagles since he has SO MANY VIDEOS of them to make videos of them to make propaganda. Also this is my reason to why we never see a gun from AM (in the book + radio drama), they’re too “America-core” to him and also way too plain

Also bonus thing, occasionally he’ll catch himself humming or ranting to the American anthem and gets pissed, AND THEN GETS EVEN MORE PISSED THAT HE COULD EVEN TELL HE WAS

[lulu2992]

Exploration of the now-offline Far Cry 5 official websites

Part 3: Game Info 2 (America)

Recovered content

On July 13th, 2017, this is what the Overview, on the Game Info page of the American website, said:

OVERVIEW Welcome to Hope County, Montana, land of the free and the brave, but also home to a fanatical doomsday cult known as The Project at Eden’s Gate that is threatening the community's freedom. Stand up to the cult’s leader, Joseph Seed and the Heralds, and spark the fires of resistance that will liberate the besieged community. In this expansive world, your limits and creativity will be tested against the biggest and most ruthless baddest enemy Far Cry has ever seen. It’ll be wild and it’ll get weird, but as long as you keep your wits about you, the residents of Hope County can rest assured knowing you’re their beacon of hope. Join the Resistance on February 27, 2018, with Far Cry 5. Available on PlayStation 4 system, Xbox One, and PC.

Then, it was moved to the Game Features page and only said this:

OVERVIEW Far Cry 5 is a massive open world that’s filled with something new around every bend. The enemy AI behavior is more realistic and the exploration is almost endless. Even when you feel like taking a break from the campaign, you can take in some leisurely fishing before diving back into your quest. It’s your mission. With it comes the freedom to take on a world that hits back by any means necessary. Join the Resistance now with Far Cry 5. Available on PlayStation 4 system, Xbox One, and PC.

On this Game Features page, which was only archived three times on the Wayback Machine (and remained unchanged at least from May 18th, 2019, to February 7th, 2020), there was also information about Hope County’s three main regions:

REGIONS WHERE ONE MISSION ENDS, ANOTHER BEGINS Three diverse regions and three really bad Heralds stand between you and The Father. How you conquer them is up to you.

HOLLAND VALLEY - John Seed's Region Named for the Dutch immigrants who originally settled here, Holland Valley feels like a postcard from the West. It is home to farms, grazing animals, and a small community named Fall’s End. Because of all the goods that are grown and transformed here, this is also where the cult is planning to reap whatever they need before The Collapse.

HENBANE RIVER - Faith Seed's Region Henbane River was once a place where people came to heal. Its landscape was dotted with cottages, hot springs, and the flowers that give the region its name. Over time the hot springs business fizzled out and the Project at Eden’s Gate moved in. This area is the cult’s heart in Hope County and a place of field labor and worship. Its economy revolves around converting souls into a docile workforce through use of drugs.

WHITETAIL MOUNTAINS - Jacob Seed's Region Whitetail Mountains are a true wilderness where nature’s raw power is on display. Teeming with wildlife, this is a place to hide secrets—from both society and the law. It’s here that the cult is building an army to protect their followers from the Collapse. While Eden’s Gate controls this region, those who reject the cult can also find safe haven here. Preppers and survivalists have encamped themselves in these hidden mountains as they await the right moment to strike.

You could find the Activities as well:

HUNTING Aim a bit off? Practice your marksmanship on some of the wild animals that are roaming throughout the different regions in Hope County. But beware, the animals fight back. FISHING Need a breather from ousting a doomsday cult and their maniacal leader? Take a break and cast a line in any of Hope County's scenic lakes and rivers. WINGSUIT Do you believe you can fly? Nothing says freedom like soaring high above Hope County like a bald eagle. CRAFTING While you make your way through the diverse landscapes of Hope County, Montana, you will encounter all manner of animals and natural resources. Use them to your advantage, when crafting your upgrades.

There was also an introduction to the For Hire system, and notably this:

GUNS FOR HIRE Not only do you have unique skills to bring to the table, so do your Guns For Hire. You can meet and recruit them in the open world, although they may need some help sorting out their own problems before lending you a hand. If you like to travel in numbers, you can recruit up to two for hire at a time, which should help increase your chances of survival.

FANGS FOR HIRE It's not only the human residents of Hope County who are prepared to fight back. As a part of the Guns for Hire system, Fangs for Hire are animal companions for the player. Each is unique, and can enhance whatever playstyle you choose.

“Read More” took you to the News section, to an article titled “Meet Far Cry 5's Characters” (more details in future posts), and another one that was apparently not archived, sadly...

Commentary

The changes in the Overview are interesting to me because they initially called Eden’s Gate “the biggest and most ruthless baddest enemy Far Cry has ever seen”... and then didn’t.

I like that we learn more about the three regions, especially details such as Holland Valley getting its name from the Dutch immigrants who used to live there or the Henbane River being a reference to the flowers that grow in the region. That said, the Bliss flowers we see in Far Cry 5 seem to be inspired by Datura, not Henbane, so I don’t know if this is a mistake or if the developers had other real-life flowers in mind when they came up with the concept of Bliss. Henbane flowers contain the same psychoactive substance as the drug used by the cult: scopolamine (although its hallucinogenic properties were greatly exaggerated in the game).

The site also says we could craft upgrades using “animals and natural resources”, but while plants can indeed be used to make “homeopathics”, crafting upgrades with animal skins, for example, wasn’t a mechanic in Far Cry 5 anymore.

Under the cut are all the available source files, saved directly from the website, of the images you see in the screenshots:

Next to the flag above, on the right, is the (barely visible here) “intaglio” pattern, used in the background of most pages on the site.

Small and barely visible white eagle with a transparent background below.

Small and barely visible white eagle with a transparent background above.

[ouroboros-hideout]

It‘s time. Going to drop some headcanons and assumptions about the Colonel here.

Grab some snackies and feel free to comment your own thoughts about him if you like. Think everyone has his/her own view on the character, would be interested to hear them. And I already noticed I missed some information because I am like a blind little mole while playing games. So if there are STILL things I just missed, that are somehow connected to stuff I came up with pls let me know. Need to absorb all the little details about the dog.

And of course there are spoilers below the line. If you don‘t likey, don‘t looky.

1. He‘s not dead

That‘s like my absolute main hc. Said it in a post before and say it again: I was disappointed How he was treated especially in the end. Guess I could live with his death, if it was written differently, but for me it was extremely unsatisfying. First of all: he‘s a high performing, experienced military machine. It‘s said his strengths primarily lie in interrogation, that he‘s a natural born leader and organizational stuff is his thing, but he‘s a skilled fighter too. If you side with Reed you have to fight him and damn. He‘s a beast.

I don‘t like that the protagonist of a story (would be V in this case) has to win all fights. There should be more enemies who are invincible and fights would be resolved differenty. It’s a general thing I would like to see more often in games, especially rpgs with strong choice making mechanics. Yes, V is a skilled fighter and Alex definitely knows how to completely delete someone too, but I don‘t know. It felt really uninspired and didn’t do justice to the character. If I had to decide for a mixture of canon for my headcanon, it would be Alex catching him off guard (like when you‘re siding with Songbird) but he‘ll survive and lands in the hospital (the same way if you don‘t kill him at the end of the boss fight).

The hc would be that he took this opportunity and staged his death. Fake news, fake corpse at the funeral, Jago and Bennett doing a little show so it’s more believable. Let Myers and the gov think he‘s gone, while he has the opportunity to plot against them without them knowing. I want him to have an epic revenge arc.

2. His scars and cyberware

Not that confident with this one yet but I need a story for it. His bonked-in forehead, the ear and the arm need to be connected somehow. Not a coincidence that all of this is happening on the left side. I like to believe it happened at the end of the Midnight Storm mission. When Arasaka came to shore and they where forced to retreat. Maybe I missed that or it‘s just not clearly stated but for me it always sounded like they got the order to get the fuck away, but literally where left to die, because Arasaka was superior to them. They got attacked, many died and he lost his left arm. The what and hows I am not sure about. Feel like he got bonked really hard by something or someone and the arm was ripped off. Could have been a grenade or something, but don’t know if there would be different type of scars then. The last survivors found shelter, Kurt decided to fuck the orders, after Myers agreed on peace and the rest is history.

Part of that hc is, that he doesn‘t like his cyberarm. He adapted to it, but to me, he seems like a „less is more guy“. He surely has a lot of implants but compared to veterans like Bennett or Rinder he‘s rather low on chrome imo. Like the casual military gear for a person with his rank, he probably had to install but nothing more.

Since he is right-handed I’d say he got the cyberware on the right this arm earlier and it’s related to better aim or another improvement regarding the use of weapons. There‘s a little tiny lettering on it saying „Yukimura“. That‘s a type of smart gun. Wild Dog and Bald Eagle are both power weapons but could be some sort smart link cyberware anyway and they used smart assault rifles in the military.

3. Family/Childhood/Military

It‘s said in his military file, that he was a gang member at young age and enlisted in the Militech Forces soon as he reached legal age. Thing is: I basically don‘t know anything about american law or army regulations. Just did a quick research on that topic and found some stuff on Reddit that it is technical possible that you could avoid a prison term, especially in juvenile law, if you instead join the armed forces. I don‘t know if there is something like this in the Cyberpunk lore too, but I think it would be very fitting. So there was gang member Kurt, doing all the illegal stuff like theft, armed robbery and probably worse. Think he than grew up in a typical broken home situation. Divorced parents or they just didn't give a shit. Something like this. Then he or one of his goons fucks up, got caught and he joins Militech instead of spending a lot of years in prison. In one of his voice lines he says smth like: some don't have another choice than joining the army. Like to think that applies to him aswell. At the beginning it was just a way out for him. He then settled in very quickly and liked the solid structures and discipline, that he probably never had before in his life. The fact, that he was really good at the things he had to learn and had to do, gave him a lot of confidence - like a military glow up. Think he really enjoyed his time in the military to a certain point. The Power and respect he gained throughout the years. But also he never lost his rebellious side, like it's said in his psychological profile.

Could be possible that he wanted to join the army by free will also. But I like the plot, that he always was kind of an rotten apple, the military made him stronger and brought up hidden qualities in him, but in the end failed to reform him. Reed said something like: that's it the govs fault, that Kurt is the man, he is now. So they failed to keep him on the rightous path.

4. His first kill

Inspired by the message you can get from Alex. She’s asking V if he could remember his first kill. That’s a pretty cool question and hc material imo. In Kurts military file it‘s stated, that shortly after he joined the military he was picked to go to the military academy. So I guess he did something he stood out for, between all the other people who joined at that time. He definitely was judged very critical in the beginning and had a hard time because of his streetkid past.

He probably could have killed some ppl back then, but I‘d rather believe that he still was in the lower ranks of the gang, considering his age, and had to do rookie-shit, instead of big jobs involving killing ppl for example. My hc is, that there was another recruit in his unit who tried to skip a lot of training by getting heavy cyberware and taking a lot of boosting stuff to quickly become the best among them and getting chosen for a higher position faster. In the end all he got was a cyberpsychosis and eventually turned on his mates during a combat training. Kurt then managed to take him out and saved the others. In the end he was the one getting the wanted attention of the superiors. Connecting to this event, I think he has a low tolerance for people who don‘t know their boundaries and can‘t handle their chrome and themselves.

5. Jago

I think he really likes Jago, maybe even more then Bennett sometimes. I like to compare these two because of the „Run this Town“ mission. Bennett surely has a bonus because he’s been in the army with Kurt and is his most trusted and loyal man, but I can imagine Kurt enjoys to work with someone without military background. He would probably call it refreshing. Don’t know just really like their dynamic. Absolute pros in what they do and profiting from each others skills. Can imagine he often just asks Jago about his opinion, if he needs one, because he has a different view on things. Other than a soldier who‘s just used to follow orders most of the time.

6. Boxing

He‘s into boxing. Doing it himself and following professional sports alike. He definitely does some kind of sports. Daily workouts or something like this too, but he‘s eager to stay in shape for sure. Like to think he has some sort of Fight Club thing running inside of Barghest. They meet up one or two times per month and are boxing against each other. There’s a scoreboard, they show off their bloody noses and black eyes the next day. That HC came from the „Balls to the Wall“ mission. Loved that vibe. And he enjoys watching professional fighters. And betting on the fights for sure. AND imagine a highclass boxing fight in the Sapphire. Inviting all the rich folks, there’s a boxing ring instead of a stage. Following that Las Vegas vibe Dogtown has.

7. Collection

Although he is quite a show-off when dealing with his customers and business partners, boasting about fancy parties, expensive champagne, his successes and income, I think that he is otherwise a pretty grounded guy. The way he still dresses like the casual military man, no chic suits or other unnecessary things. The Black Sapphire is the only really glam looking place in Dogtown. Everything else that‘s run by him is purely practical. But: I think he has some sort of guilty pleasure. Like collecting historical or rare guns and other weapons. Or a collection of high priced liquors. Or maybe he‘s interested in cars and/or motorcycles like Aymeric. Would suit him.

8. Privacy

This one is very simple and rather short but I think he really values his privacy. His quarters (according to early concept art) is in the upper levels in the Black Sapphire. A big ass office and probably all the other stuff like bedroom etc. on one floor. Can imagine that all or the most of these rooms are off limits for everyone else. Everyone needs some save space to decompress.

[scuddle-bubble101]

Hi Pud!!!! top five favorite birds?

BIRRBENS!! NEMS I LOVE YOU FOR THIS!!!!

I love so many borbs LIKE MAH GAD. Birbs just HVJDFHVFDJ BRIBSSS!!

So! So!

First and foremost! I love any Crow, Magpie, Raven or Corvids. They are so intelligent and so friggen cute!! I love the way their plumage shines in the light and that they are such a wonderful candidate of learned behavior!! This means, they are so good at retaining what was taught to them that they can literally pass it down to their chicks and their enter MURDER!!!

Swans. BEAUTIFUL BIRDS BUT NASTY TEMPERS. I love them though. They have such elegant dances and despite a murder machine on webbed feet... They earn my respect for being so badass. plus swan chicks are just adorably ugly and I love them with all my friggen heart.

ANY RAPTOR AND I MEAN ANY. Hawks, Eagles, Vultures, Condors. YOU NAME IT I LOVE IT. I DON'T CARE IF CONDORS AND VULTURES ARE BALD. THERE SUPER GOOD AT MAKING SURE WASTED REMAINS ARE NEVER WASTED!! WE LOVE THE GARBAGE CREW OF THE SKIES!!

Ducks, enough said. and, Owls <- Don't get me started on owls. I have so much love and facts on them I will explode.

annnnd PIGEONS!!!! LOVE OUR DOMESTIC BIRBENS! LOVE THEM I SWEAR TO NON GOD. I love pigeons, I will fight to the end of my days for their silly nature, and sweet disposition. DOVES ARE PIGEONS GUYS AND THEY WERE MADE AS A PEACE SYMBOL FOR A REASON! Please, love these local dumbs of love. They really have so much love to give <333

[manchineel-bean]

NY hc’s? 👁️👁️

*🩴*

HOME STATE WOO

Birthday: Unknown date in 1624 (Uses July 26 as birthday). Formation of New Amsterdam. 400 years old (as of 2024).

Parent: The Dutch Colonial Empire

Human name: Killian Lieven

Human age: approx 28 yrs old

Sexuality: Bisexual

Gender: Demi-boy (he/they)

Description: 5'1. Left eye is blue with gold flakes. Right eye is gold with blue flakes. Slightly curly long hair. Hair is dark reddish brown with hints of lighter brown. Has a few white streaks and white patches in hair caused by poliosis circumscripta. Medium brown (olive) skin patched with white caused by vitiligo. Freckles shaped like mini suns.

Languages: Collects them like pokemon (no official language or recognized language so speaks any spoken in state) Scars/deformities/disorders: Autism. Trouble breathing and shortness of breath. Large scars and burn marks on back caused by the burning of New York City during the American Revolution and wings being removed by the British Empire during British takeover and Martial Law placed on NYC. Amputated left leg caused by machine accident in gilded age. Fingers missing from right hand caused by The Great Blizzard of 1888. Scar on cheek and lip from prohibition/mafia era. Large scar going from top of eyebrow, down to under chin causing right eye to be blind from 9/11. Other minor scars from other incidents

Animal/Unusual attributes: Beaver and Bald eagle features. Beaver tail and webbed foot. Bald eagle feathers on cheek and tail feathers over beaver tail. Used to have bald eagle wings. Sun-like freckles that glow in a golden color due to the flag having a sun on it and the old New York flag being a yellowish color.

Silly facts: Loves to make clothing and just sewing in general (stuffed animals galore). Does graffiti art and sells work to buyers. Has 2 pigeons named Leven (Life in Dutch) and Ziel (Soul). Plays violin and viola. Fucking loves oysters (fun fact: Was called the Big Oyster before the Big Apple because there were huge oysters and oyster beds. People loved them so much oyster shells would pile up everywhere and would be used to make roads). Chef 100 and baker. (DID YOU KNOW THAT THE DUTCH WERE THE FIRST TO INTRODUCE COOKIES TO THE OTHER COLONIES??!?! THAT'S WHY THE DUTCH WORD FOR COOKIE IS ‘Koekje’. SO FUCK CALLING THEM BISCUITS.)

Home state :] I've checked out History of New York Year by Year too many times

[foibles-fables]

Left-field and I just read a book about dinosaurs: what new Machines do you think we'll get? In particularly, any really heavy hitters to go alongside the Thunderjaw, Fireclaw, Tremortusk and Slaughterspine?

I think any new machines will be connected to the biomes we're revisiting. Off the top of my head, a moose or caribou machine for Ban-Ur! Maybe a beaver machine in The Claim! A bald eagle! A Komodo dragon or gorilla machine for Meridian and the Jewel/Raintrace. A platypus. A camel. A peacock. Idk this admittedly isn't where I'm super creative, lmao.

I am also not the right person to ask about dino-specific machines, clearly my brain siphons into mostly kingdom animalia, lol

I also think it might not so much be the new types of machines, but the new ways in which we fight the ones we have. Aerial and underwater (omg sharks????) combat seem like a go.

[is-the-battlemech-cool-or-not]

ANIMUS REX 3

The SLS Menagerie touched down at Forward Operating Base HAWK. The Overlord-C class dropship had been operationally attached to SLS McKenna’s Pride, though the nature of her passengers had been kept secret from all but her crew, the command staff of Operation TOUCHDOWN, and Admiral McKenna - this last was out of courtesy: the Pride was his ship after all. That the DropShip was not literally attached to the McKenna-class battleship, and arrived later, was entirely for reasons of subterfuge. Her cargo was too precious for everyone to know of it immediately.

The doors on Menagerie's sides opened, the embarkation ramps swung down, and seven ‘Mechs, most of which were designs none had seen before - a curiously aquatic looking, streamlined Timber Wolf and a customized Warhammer IIC being the exceptions - ambled out into the rainy Helios mid-day. They stomped their way into the field Mechbays, and their pilots exited their machines. It was a sight to see: a small, but very confident seeming long haired red fox; a massive snowy owl woman; a nearly equally massive, marvelous, and masculine bald eagle; a tall and suave dolphin; an intense seeming rattlesnake; a stunning and muscular raptor; and a stark white bat.

Not since the other Totem Warriors had arrived had a more varied and animalistic group made planetfall on Helios. Gathering together as one group, to the stares of many around them, they made their way to Melissa.

[xenomorphee3]

Another Recoms and Spider Flashback from my story!

From my latest Chapter-- Chapter 36, Return : )

[Flashback to the recoms and Spider, a few weeks after they had gotten their Ikrans]

Though they had their banshees, the recoms still spent a great deal of time at the forest floor. Resting, sleeping, hunting, and foraging. Today it was the afternoon, eclipse had just ended and the recoms were looking around for some fruits to snack on. The seven recombinants found a small grove that had these large bushes where these extra sweet, little orange berries grew, ones that the recoms had come to genuinely enjoy whenever they found them. So, they were for the moment getting their fill and being sure to pack some extras for the road.

Miles was resting on a log, the other recoms relaxingly taking in the forest around them and gathering their berries, and he was carving a piece of wood with his utility knife. He was just bored and decided to carve a little eagle. It wasn’t very good, but you could at least tell it was a bird. Sort of.

Spider came over to him and said, “What’s that?”

Miles said, with a proud little grin, “It’s a bald eagle.”

Spider said, “What the hell is that?” taken aback slightly at the use of the word ‘bald’ to describe what was clearly some type of animal.

Miles grinned and said, “It’s a bird. Flying animal. Symbol of America. Oorah.” and he winked at Spider, then pointed to his tattoo with his utility knife held in his right hand. ‘Oorah’ was a rare utterance from Miles, but he was in a good mood today.

Spider just rolled his eyes and smiled. Having not a clue why these skxawngs always said this weird word. And Spider only knew ‘America’ as the place on Earth where Jake Sully and most of the scientists were from. He then sat on the log next to Miles and watched him continue to carve this “bald eagle.”

Miles was at peace in the forest right now. His blue feet dug into the ground slightly, listening to the chatter of animals around them, which used to put them all on edge, but now they found such sounds unbothersome, potentially even comforting. They had no hints for where Jake Sully was at this point, but all things considered… Miles was surprisingly having a good time. Spider had greatly warmed up to him and the others, they were becoming highly comfortable with their Na’vi skills in their Na’vi bodies, and Spider had been teaching them the language to which most were achieving great success… except for Ja. Lopez picked it up incredibly fast, likely on account of him already being bilingual, being fluent in Spanish. Mansk was the next best with learning Na’vi.

Spider wasn’t familiar with other human languages though he knew they existed. He was kind of fascinated whenever he heard Lopez lightly singing to himself in Spanish, which Spider looked over from his log to see Lopez gathering the berries and could hear him singing right then in fact.

Ja walked up to Lopez and started mocking his singing. He looked at him and did an exaggerated salsa-type dance while he sang, moving his feet in a cha-cha step, his tail swinging dramatically behind him, and his pretending his hands were holding a dance partner. Lopez lunged towards Ja and knocked his hat off of his head uttering a, “Fuck you, bro.” as he did. Ja snickered and picked up his hat.

Prager was gathering berries near Z-Dog. Z-dog was quite tall as far as female Na’vi go, but she got to an extra tall bush where the berries were just a little bit out of reach. Prager walked nearer to her and smiled and said, “Here.” Then rustled the berry bush above her with the end of his rifle, them falling over her and to the ground, which she smiled at.

Mansk had quickly gathered a pile of berries to eat, placed his Hydra machine gun against the base of a tree, and climbed up to rest in the crook of the tree’s trunk to snack on the berries. He didn’t like sitting to rest in the thicker vegetation of the forest floor, fearful of insects bothering him. The trees weren’t much better in that regard, this was a Pandoran forest after all, but at least he could see them coming better.

Wainfleet was standing out in the grove, his arms crossed. He was actually thinking about the mission. He had become a bit stressed with the aimlessness of their mission in its current state. He was wondering what ways in which Sully might reveal himself. Rogue communications, radar hits, something.

Miles, sitting on his log, saw his corporal standing out in the grove and yelled over to him, “Hey Lyle, lighten up a bit. We’ll find the bastard, don’t you worry.” Spider, still sitting next to Miles just swallowed and looked down. These little reminders of why they were all here never ceased to snap him back to his reality—that he was a hostage and that they were looking to kill Jake Sully, the father of his friends and the closest thing to a father-figure he had growing up.

Miles could detect the sudden despondence in Spider and his ears fell a bit. He then looked to his little crappily carved eagle and gave it to Spider saying, “Here.”

Spider took it slowly giving a humored little mildly disgusted face.

Miles laughed slightly and said, “That bad huh?”

Spider said, “I don’t… where’s the head?”

“It’s right there,” Miles said, pointing with his huge index finger to this oddly carved rounded piece sticking off. Spider just looked at it and laughed.

Miles laughed too, then took the ‘eagle’ back from Spider and chucked it into the forest, it rustling the vegetation as it landed a few yards away.

Suddenly, the Marines all heard some much bigger rustling in the forest that was approaching them. The recoms all swung their rifles forward. Mansk jumped down from the tree and grabbed his Hydra. Miles stood and moved in front of Spider. What emerged from the forest was, to their surprise, a baby hammerhead titanothere. It was a big baby. For scaling, if the recoms were human-sized, then this baby was about the size of a horse.

They held their weapons on it for a little bit, and Spider said, “Guys, it’s a baby. Relax.”

Ja chimed in to anxiously say, “Yeah well, where’s mom?”

Spider said, “Angtsìk are territorial. I’m sure wherever the parents are they know full well that we are here right now. If they didn’t want us here, we’d know it.”

That wasn’t exactly comforting for the Marines, but Spider certainly knew more about these animals than they did. They lowered their weapons and watched the baby titanothere approach closer in the grove.

The baby, making loud, but still cute bleats and grunting sounds, turned its head to the ground and started eating. It was eating the berries they had been gathering and knocked down. To the recoms’ surprise, Prager was really excited at this animal. He walked over to Ja and said, “Gimme those.” Snatching the cloth of berries he had wrapped up for himself, Ja returning a, “What the hell, bro?”

Prager then slowly approached the baby angtsìk, his tail curling gently behind him, his ears back. Z-Dog was watching with a smirk on her face, her arms crossed, popping bubblegum bubbles.

Miles with caution in his voice said, “Prager… don’t do anything stupid now, son.”

The baby titanothere, looked up to the approaching ‘Na’vi’, and reacted slightly— nervous, taking a few steps back with its six legs. Prager started speaking to it in a gentle voice.

“Hey there. Don’t worry. Just got some berries for you.” he said, while getting low to the ground in front of the baby. Prager then extended his arm out with the open cloth, the berries held in his big hand. The baby angtsìk paused for a moment, then upon seeing the bright orange berries in the recom’s hand, went up and started eating them from him.

The recoms and Spider were shocked, smiling. They’d never seen this side of Prager before. Prager then sweetly pat the titanothere on its strange hammerhead-shaped head structure, which was not fully developed yet. Suddenly, there were loud bellows in the distance, which made them all jump, Ja and Lopez reflexively raising their weapons. Upon hearing the bellows, the baby simply turned around and went back into the brush, returning to its parents which were out of sight. Prager watched the baby disappear into the forest and smiled.

He then turned back around to see them all looking at him with amused faces, and he was shaking his hand to get the drool off.

Ja then jeeringly said, “Aww headband boy is soft on baby animals, how cute.”

Prager, who was taller than Ja by a good bit, slowly, intimidatingly approached Ja and then pressed his drool-covered cloth into his chest and said, “That’s yours.”

Ja gave a disgusted face and scowled at Prager who headed back over to Z-Dog.

Miles, Spider, and the other recoms just chuckled. They all went back to enjoying their break in the forest.

Read more on Ao3!

[goldmanguyperson]

(post features potentially triggering and general uncomfortable content under the manifesto section)

small byf i probably shouldve put earlier: I might sometimes post musings about sexual ideas and i will be horny on main sometimes, but i will always tag it properly. i also have exclusive tag “#gold goes crazy on main” that you can blacklist if you dont wanna blacklist the more general tags for your own reasons

if i sound mad in here its because i hate how this kind of stuff is dealt with on the wider internet. sorry

If your dni has an identity that i identify with on there then know i am not not interacting with you out of respect, i am not interacting with you because you are a fucking asswipe. Be a better person. People who believe they know more about me than me, or use trauma as an excuse to be bigoted and stay bigoted, do not have my respect.

If i block you, it’s because of the above. or i just found you annoying

intro post for NERDS!

im gold just call me gold. Or, my other names include tank and any model/(appropriate) nickname of tank, plane, or nuclear bomb (aside from fat man or little boy or enola gay for hopefully obvious reasons). i will respond best if it is very clearly directed at me or is one of my favorite vehicles/bombs: tsar bomba, kv-1, molodets, locust, chaffee, whatever whatever

my pronouns are he/him (normal caps), He/Him, and HE/HIM. i stole pronouns from god and HIM from the powerpuff girls

trans and gay full of autism adhd yum

im a shapeshifter otherkin. I am alterhuman for all these things (swings between kin, hearted, and link): birds, machines, and ‘pedes (millipedes and centipedes). But really, i can be anything. i have experienced a whole range of nonhuman stuff, cuz shapeshifter. if i post in a more specific tag know i am not attempting to like… invade, or anything. i mean for one i think thats stupid and for another i do actually be feeling that way

Russia place/countrykin. not a putin supporter or even a nationalist; Слава Україна. more connected to the land and its “memories” than anything else. if this confuses you please read my post: Nationalists do not love their country

i am plural. im fuckitgenic. you dont get to know how traumatized or not i am, cuz i dont even fucking know either. I don’t even think it’s that relevant. I am because i am, we are because we are, trying to look back into this life to see why it turned out this way is, in our opinion, just not fucking worth our time.

You probably wont see my headmates here as they struggle to form words for outside use, but you still might.

headmates you might see include:

The Eagle (he is a bald eagle)

The Nothing Beast (a big jet black dromeosaurid-like monster with back spines. actually quite nice. speaks in all caps)

Sputnik-1 (introject of the satellite). Profile is @satellite-one!

Bear (a spirit bear. might come off a bit mean. Bear is often just trying to protect us, but Bear also struggles with friendly or respectful communication)

Bat (We don’t know much about him. he hides away a lot)

Alan @amcomputer

if you start complaining about “uehhh but i have to know if youre traumatized to know how valid you are!!!” im going to skewer you like a shrike. we do not take kindly to prescriptive labeling.

i am posic (Perception of Object Sentience, Individuality, and Consciousness). I don’t believe objects speak to me and i dont believe they are externally alive, but i feel like they should be. it happens especially with military vehicles and nuclear missiles. when i look at them i feel a similar sense of life i feel when i look at an animal. is it weird? Oh yeah. It is. i have thought about this a lot and i can expand on it in another post if wanted.

im also objectum and conceptum tbe american flag is my boyfriend im sorry… I hate the government and i hate borders and i understand it would be better for countries to not have influence over material reality and all that shit (i am an anarchist. winning) but countries as a concept beyond reality are really important to me please understand. nationalists hate him (me) actually

carrd (mentions nsfw topics)

neocities (wip)

tags

#shut up! the eagle’s talking! - essays and personal experiences

#this is chrome ball radio - My headmate Sputnik’s thoughts and feelings.

#gold goes crazy on main - mentioned above. though not actually just plain horny stuff, more for musings that may be sexual and have to do with me personally and I GUESS I LIED!!! ITS HORNY

#and that eagle? well. hah. It was me - just stuff about eagles. Any kind. i love eagles

#falconer hood experiences - Dreams that i have. theyre crazy. you will want to read

#galaxies of valleirkro - My spore stuff.

#galaxies of valleirkro references - Characters and species in the spore stuff

manifesto (sort of like a dni + its opposite but i actually explain things to ease my anxiety and autism) if you dont wanna read this thats fine but dont be surprised when i say something you dont like lol

Almost anyone is welcome here. But if you believe that you know more than other people do about their own identity then go away. Disgusting shit. Begone

that being said you cannot change your race. racial emotional limbo should only belong to people who are mixed race. You can find ways to participate in another culture without being the race often associated with it. many people would be much happier to show you their culture if you weren’t trying to identify as the race associated with it. Begone

I cant believe this is something that needs to be said anywhere but if you are an apologist for imperialism, capitalism, or authoritarianism, or are otherwise a supporter of any of this shit, fuck you. Begone

go away if you indulge in zoophilic or pedophilic content. hope it’s obvious why. indulging in lusting after real ass living beings who cannot consent is fucking weird as shit. Begone

transage is fine. its not about pedophilia, that is a 4chan smear campaign cuz they thought it was fucking weird. it is about age regression and trauma and that kinda shit. Also the things we associate with certain ages are socially constructed and so like idk, fuckin whatever dude. Begone

if you think age regression is bad then you do not know what it is. it is also not pedophilic in nature, it is often about comfort and often is a trauma or anxiety response. Please research and talk to real people before assuming something is bad just cuz it sounds weird. Begone

mspec lesbians are cool. “contradictory” labels are cool. my (real physical person) boyfriend is every letter of the queer alphabet and every person who hates a contradictory label will face our combined wrath. Begone

medicalism die begone. scientists do not know everything and often even science itself goes against “medicalist” beliefs. Minds are actually super crazy and weird and science understands this. If you are happier, or more at peace, and more able to understand and work with yourself because of a label and the support that comes with it then it is a good one.

^ includes “not supporting” endogenic systems by the way. Begone

creating headmates is fine (i think most of my headmates were accidentally created) but tulpa terminology is based upon a pretty heavy series of cultural appropriations of Buddhism (have you ever heard of “chakras are connected to your organs”? yeah. thats not true. thats a western idea that comes from the kinda colonial concept that we can force an eastern religion into the originally western conception of science as almighty truth that everything must tie to to be considered real by anybody, and the western idea of tulpas are mainly from this version of buddhism). Asian religions and cultural practices are already a really big target for western cultural appropriation, maybe we shouldn’t add to that, okay? i mean i wont tell you to go away like i have for the others here. and i actually wont tell you that its absolutely not okay because this is a pretty complex little cranny of reality. but i do ask you to perhaps be a little more conscious of how this stuff all connects

it is okay to be wrong

bangalangadooda

[themculibrary]

Captain America: The First Avenger Masterlist

Blood and Honey (ao3) - Claudia_flies steve/bucky E, 11k

Summary: A growl. It makes Steve’s knees turn into jelly and his body clench again. With dawning horror Steve realizes what is about to happen.

Or: The fight on the bridge doesn’t go as Hydra planned. Gratuitous a/o/b fic.

come home yesterday (ao3) - customrolex bucky/peggy/steve G, 369k

Summary: 'You're gonna be just fine,' Steve said, close enough that Bucky could feel his breath. 'Maybe I'll try to enlist again, join you—'

'Don't kid about that,' Bucky said, even tho he knew Steve wasn't really. He'd tried to enlist once before Bucky had been drafted, and a few times after that. 'Don't do anything stupid until I get back.'

'You're taking all the stupid with you,' Steve grumbled. He straightened Bucky's tie, and kissed him once again. Bucky tried to memorize how it felt; it was over too quickly.

Come On, Be My Baby (ao3) - orphan_account steve/bucky E, 1k

Summary: There was a time where Steve thought he’d been a beta. He just didn’t present. Too sickly to be an alpha by society’s standards and too ill to carry children or deal with heats, his body just didn’t do anything. He didn’t have much of a sex drive, in fact it was near non-existent and to be honest, he was happier that way. If he had been an omega he would’ve been expected to get married off to an alpha and have lots of children, especially because he grew up in the 40’s and rights for omegas were slim. If he’d been an alpha people would have mocked him even more than they already did. So, he was content on being unclassified or as he and everyone else assumed, a beta.

Well, until the serum.

It started with cramps in his lower abdomen and crawled up his back. His chest felt suspiciously full and heavy, it hurt and he was terribly sensitive. There was a strange scent that seemed to follow him around, a sweet smell. One that was usually associated with omegas. It was hard to be around his men, the people in his squad. They were all alphas and his skin felt itchy, not his own. It was like his skin was crawling off. Like he wasn’t – he wasn’t –

Whole.

Follow Up (ao3) - billie_vivienne steve/bucky E, 3k

Summary: Set during Captain America: The First Avenger, Steve bluffs his way off the USO stage and onto the battlefield, saving Bucky. After, they get to spend an intimate night together,

Grateful (ao3) - ALMartin1011 G, 1k

Summary: Steve knows he should be grateful for the gift he was given through Project Rebirth but his new life wasn’t as easy as he expected it to be.

Heirloom (ao3) - TealWren steve/bucky T, 12k

Summary: 5 times Steve Rogers lost himself to Captain America and 1 time Steve Rogers showed everyone who he truly was.

how we are hungry (ao3) - liketheroad steve/bucky M, 18k

Summary: The power of love and all that.

It All Starts Somewhere (fanfiction.net) - FantasytoHeart T, 20k

Summary: Hydra has bases all over Europe and the newly formed Howling Commandos have their work cut out for them. A story about the Commandos as there are not enough of them.

Kind Men (ao3) - quigonejinn steve/bucky, peggy/steve E, 15k

Summary: D/s-ish-verse retelling of Captain America: The First Avenger. When the time comes, Erskine doesn't throw a grenade onto the training ground.

Let’s Hear It For Captain America! (ao3) - Magnetism_bind steve/bucky E, 5k

Summary: A missing scene from Captain America: The First Avenger

Of All The Gin Joints (ao3) - dracusfyre bucky/tony T, 3k

Summary: Bucky feels like he's crashing and burning while Steve is soaring like a goddamn all-American bald eagle or something. But as Steve walks off with Agent Carter and leaves Bucky to drink alone, a mysterious stranger decides he wants to kiss him and make it all better.

Our Names in Blood (ao3) - OhCaptainMyCaptain steve/bucky E, 29k

Summary: The super soldier experiment results in Steve becoming a lethal killing machine. Isolated, alone, and terrified, Steve finds his way to Europe where he learns Bucky's been taken by Hydra. When he finds him strapped to a metal slab and moments from death, Steve faces the choice: either let his childhood best friend - and the love of his life - die, or turn him and condemn his soul.

The First Avenger (ao3) - shestepsintotheriver steve/bucky M, 73k

Summary: "Steve Rogers neither begins nor ends with Captain America. Before all that, before the fame and the horror and the loss, Steve is just another hungry kid from Brooklyn. Braver than most—or more bull-headed, depending on who you ask—but pretty average. Discounting the bad heart, the bad lungs, the bad temper, or at least that’s what Bucky always says when Steve does something really stupid, but he'll always add ‘the best guy I ever known’ at the end of the list."

The story of the First Avenger with almost all the bits from the movie, then several additions to canon.

The Guest (ao3) - orphan_account steve/darcy, jane/thor, bucky/sam M, 113k

Summary: “Darcy…?”

Her focus snapped back to Steve, fear now dominating her face. “Steve, I’m going to ask you something and it’s probably going to be…strange.”

He nodded, already having an idea as to what she may be getting ready to ask.

“When, am I?”

“It’s September 30th, 1942.”

Darcy hung her head, hiding her face from him and Steve as her shoulders shook. It was only a couple of moments later that she righted herself, hiding her shock and heartbreak behind a wry expression.

“Well, fuck me sideways. I’m not really sure how to go forward from here.”

there's nothing left of you (ao3) - notallbees steve/bucky, peggy/steve, bucky/omc E, 22k

Summary: Bucky’s having a hard time reconciling Captain America with the friend he left behind in Brooklyn. It’s bad enough that every time he closes his eyes he sees the inside of a torture chamber. Now, every time he opens them again, he sees a stranger with Steve Rogers’ eyes and smile.

The Way You Say My Name (ao3) - OhCaptainMyCaptain steve/bucky E, 10k

Summary: “Oh God… Oh… Buck…”

Steve says his name differently the moment Bucky gets his mouth on him. Breathless… Desperate… Bucky’s heard his name by moaned, be gasped, be screamed - in a number of different voices, by a number of different people. But none of them say his name the way Steve does.

Steve whimpers. He’s always been that way. Maybe it’s due to the fear of getting caught, or maybe that’s just how he is in general... If they could truly be alone, if there was no one around to risk hearing them, or catching them, or outing them… If Steve had the freedom to be as loud or as quiet as he wanted to be; could choose it… How would he say Bucky’s name? Would it come out like a sob, or a prayer, or maybe still a secret? Would it awaken the Heavens with its volume, or be whispered just for Bucky’s ears? Would Steve look him in the eyes while his lips formed around the syllables? Or would they roll up into his head without control?

Bucky wishes he knew. That he could know. But since it’s not an option, he’ll always just be grateful for being able to hear Steve say his name like this in general – and when Steve whimpers it, that’s the way Bucky likes best.

This Is My Last Breath (ao3) - FlyByNightGirl steve/bucky N/R, 731k

Summary:

☆ War stories, laughter, dances, disasters, stars. Family, fall out boy, falling, nightmares and two broken hearts.

(There's a double love story about two boys with 70 missing years in between - somehow Sergeant James Barnes became The Winter Soldier, and this is how.)

Truth, Justice, and the Cheating Cheater Way (ao3) - owlet peggy/steve T, 4k

Summary: Don't play cards with Captain America. Just don't. Especially if you've pissed him off recently.

[lovestuckyhatemarvel]

Season 3 finale! Episode 8!

1.) “We don’t know it’s your kids.” “Yes, we do.” We really do, Murray. They’re the only kids who do shit in this town.

2.) Jonathan could have been a track star.

3.) They really did not CGI that wound well. I forgot Jonathan reaches into the wound at all though. I just remember El using her powers to rip it out.

4.) And the gang’s all together again!

5.) I love Erica.

6.) I loved the group hug.

7.) STEVE’S HER DADDY NOW. Cute that you think you’d be the one being called Daddy, Steve. You’re a total bottom. Edit from the future: this isn’t me saying only tips are daddies or even only dons are daddies. I just don’t think Steve is a daddy because of vibes.

8.) “Oh honey, I’m gonna be fine.” It’s true. People will riot if Winona Ryder’s character dies, so I think she has plot armor.

9.) Oh, they finally remembered how Hopper actually talks to El.

10.) Here comes douchebag Billy.

11.) This elevator is definitely going slower with the adults in it.

12.) Andddd we’re back to bickering.

13.) Scoooooops Trooooop, do you copy?

14.) Move! That! Car! Oh well, didn’t work.

15.) Murray’s call sign being Bald Eagle is very funny.

16.) El dug through the trash to destroy a can of New Coke. They love to advertise Coke. I mean also they needed a way to say her powers are being on the fritz but they could have done that with the car.

17.) Mind Flayer dead above.

18.) That bitch big.

19.) “I think we make a pretty good team.” Never once did you act like a team, what the fuck are you talking about? And like, it pisses me off because they FUCKING DID WORK TOGETHER WELL IN SEASONS 1 AND 2 WITHOUT BICKERING THIS GODDAMN MUCH.

20.) I forgot these two idiots set up a date for Friday at 7 p.m. at Enzo’s.

21.) A;LDKSFJ;ADKSFLJ I FORGOT THAT THE FUCKING MIND FLAYER CREATURE ANSWERED THE WALKIE TALKIE. THAT’S SO FUCKING FUNNY.

22.) Fun Fact, I had to take a break during this episode because I think I discovered that flashing lights while watching tv in the dark is now a migraine trigger for me. Isn’t that fun? I took a pill and let my friends blow weed smoke in my face because I am whatever’s a step lower than a lightweight. I’m a baby weight? THat doesn’t make sense. I’m a lighter weight. I’m the lightest weight.

23.) The bald eagle has landed.

24.) Machine go off. Alarm go eeeeeeeeee. Monster go grrrrrrrr.

25.) Smiling and nodding works.

25.) 662608004 is not the code.

27.) Nancy WHeeler staring down a car with a gun in her hands, ice in her veins, and my total admiration for her. HELL YEAH STEVE TO THE RESCUE.

28.) Steve definitely has a concussion and both of them (him and Robin) have whiplash.

29.) Susie has a big ass house. Do we talk about how Susie has a big ass house? She’s also reading Wizard of Earthsea. I don’t actually believe the Duffer Brothers have read that book. I think they just put that in there because they know it’s a nerd book written by women.

30.) Susie is so goddamn cute.

31.) the Iconic Singing from Dustin

32.) I am shocked that Hopper doesn’t interrupt to be like WE NEED TO NOT DIE FROM RUSSIANS, PLEASE.

33.) I forgot that the monster is chasing the few people in the car before turning around.

34.) Hopper shooting the ceiling does cross language boundaries.

35.) Oh it’s Arnold from Wish. I hate that bitch.

36.) Do you think it was awkward filming a scene where you’re being carried over Dacre’s shoulder and if you open your eyes, you’re staring straight at his ass?

37.) “Don’t be afraid.” I don’t think that worked, Billy.

38.) Hell yeah fireworks. Yeah definitely don’t watch this show if you have a light sensitivity. BTW, I’m super mad that I have migraine triggers now. Like thanks Covid. Thanks for ruining big lighting things that I used to love.

39.) I think the Duffers rely too much on a plan never going the way it’s supposed to. Like they do it every single season and at this point it’s like, expected. It is straight up no longer a surprise. I’m now just constantly looking for how it’s going to fuck up.

40.) Mike and Max definitely have concussions.

41.) This is a sweet scene but I just realized she’s describing this scene like she’s trying to get a sketch artist to draw it at first. Like I get it, he got a shit fucking deal. I STILL DO NOT FORGIVE HIM FOR WANTING TO KILL LUCAS. No one made him do that! No one made him nearly kill Steve! Like yes he did a good thing at the end and I think MAYBE with some work people (probably not Lucas or Steve) could have learned to forgive him and maybe he could have earned forgiveness, but dying doesn’t actually earn that. Not even dying to protect El and Max.

42.) I do feel bad for Max though.

43.) Why doesn’t Hopper even try to move? Also I just realized they did that fade to black to hide him being taken away at the last minute because you don’t see him on the walkway before the explosion.

44.) I love how that mega powerful explosion that disintegrates Russians can’t touch glass though so Joyce is fine. I’m telling you, that woman has plot armor.

45.) Max is so sad. Honestly I am shocked she’s that sad, that fast. Not that it’s wrong for her to react that way, but IDK. I think I just want more representation of that first initial sock of like ‘I don’t know what I feel. This person sucked’.

46.) I forgot the fucking soldiers show up as soon as everything is already completed. Say what you will about the commies, but they were prompt all season.

47.) Owens showed up to have a disappointed dad face at a red crack int he wall.

48.) Will is getting so tall. I love him and Joyce reuniting. But also poor poor El. For a rare time they actually manage to convey information through acting and not words.

49.) THREE MONTHS LATER. I love that the deaths has Barb and Bob BUT NOT BENNY OR THE MORE THAN HALF DOZEN OTHER PEOPLE WHO FUCKING DIED IN SEASON 1. The show literally forgets who all died.

50.) Steve put his mom down as a reference because she’s ‘like super well-respected’.

51.) Steve isn’t an idiot, he’s just dyslexic and is bad at answering on the spot. But he definitely has seen all 3 Star Wars movies without being forced. It wasn’t actually nerdy to see Star Wars in the 1980s, guys. They were blockbuster hits that everyone and their mother watched.

52.) Byers are leaving Hawkins. Joyce has a terrible history with dating.

53.) I love Max and Lucas singing together.

54.) Okay Mike and Will are gay for each other.

55.) I didn’t expect Jonathan’s carpet to be that clean.

56.) Nancy Wheeler is the big spoon.

57.) “A wise man said, we’ve got shared trauma.” And I say Nancy’s a comphet lesbian

58.) El’s hair is so cute.

59.) everyone likes presents

60.) “Mike, I love you too.” Wait she says that and according to fanfiction he never says I love you back? What a dumbass. I guess I’ll find out though.

61.) Why are they acting like Hopper needed to be coached to write this letter? It’s super similar to what he said off the cuff to the radio in season 2.

62.) Millie Bobby Brown is very good at being pretty while crying.

Okay so season 3 is a mixed bag at breakneck pace. Hopper’s characterization is inconsistent as hell. I don’t care about Mike/El, tbh. I also think the Duffers don’t understand most media, let alone feminist literature enough to make a cogent point about anything. By this time the Russian angle was already super played out and being set in the 80s doesn’t make it better, honestly.

Anyway, it’s once again a mediocre season elevated by a good cast but I love Steve and Robin being friends. It has good moments and if they’d had a better script it could have been great. But that would require smart men. Smart men who don’t do a circle jerk because they remember 80s movie references.

[wellthatwasaletdown]

Maybe the cocaine didn’t kick in yet. Or he was afraid his wig would fly off while he was on the turntable. Perhaps the lip sync machine was broken. Alls I know from the cult members people threatening anti-mediocrity advocates, the world needs to be kinder to Special Princess Harry.

If the Harries whitesplaining rich, white male privilege to POC are correct and not simply out of their minds and/or just a little bit racist, then Harry aka Virgin Mary Jesus Christ 2.0 is a victim of oppression.

The pressure of having everything handed to you on a silver platter and being forced to do the absolute minimum and getting rewarded for it anyway is a burden that poor normies and people who don’t have nepotism or connections working for them, could ever hope to understand.

Lastly, Harry IS poor by millionaire standards. Imagine having to settle for a $250,000 Ferrari because even though he could afford the $350,000 one, the logistics of gouging his fans to make up for the expenditure are still in the planning stages.

By the way, eagle eyed fans may have noticed Harry sporting the newest Pleasing nail varnish at the Grammies. The light colored polish is unironically called Secretly Straight and White Male Privileged Twat. Buy it now! Support education - Contribute to his clown college fund! Your donation could help pay for his next round of botox! With your $upport, he can continue his fake gay act onstage and at the same time, maintain his dude bro manwhore lifestyle irl. Save Baby Harry, Save the World! We need bald pop stars now more than ever.

The End

########

And thanks for your kind words, anon! We try!

[theformerbastard]

• Last night was rull rough.

• Re-listenin' to Dave Grohl's book. I love that man with my whole black heart.

• Stopped at a rest area with a hell of a view and was gonna take a quick pic and then get back on the road but felt compelled to sit and relax a bit when I heard somethin' in the bushes. Caught a glimpse of somethin' and wanted a better view so I sat quietly...I think it was just a squirrel but it was still kinda cool. As I was waitin' I realized that down by the water, there was a bald eagle chillin' on a rock. My eyes are shit but I stood there and just watched him for a good while. I kept hopin' I'd get to see him catch his dinner but that didn't happen. As I was takin' in the view I saw a couple of big herons? Cranes? I dunno. I love birds but I'm shit at identifyin' em. Two beautiful ravens flew over my head at one point too. Always makes me happy.

• Went to the vending machine before I got back on the road but they were out of diet coke so I hit the coin return and was gifted a bicentennial quarter. I have a small collection, so it's not that crazy but paired with the eagle the day before the 4th it was pretty funny to me.

• Now I have Rock, Flag, and Eagle stuck in my head.

• By the time it's all said n done I'm gonna have the biggest collection of dumb souvenir tat. Magnets, keychains, coozies, etc. It's all so dumb but I keep wastin' money on it anyway.

[thewadapan]

Deadpool & Wolverine Venturing Up the MCU's Arse

I'm swearing off Marvel movies, and I'm swearing off Shawn Levy movies, and I'm swearing off anything with Ryan Reynolds in it, and I'm swearing off multiverse movies, and I'm swearing off superhero movies, and I'm swearing off movies.

If you're following me, you're probably wise enough to have already sworn off most of these things yourself, but if for some godforsaken reason you feel like wasting your time reading my review of this waste of time, then fire your gold-plated Desert Eagle at the "Keep reading" button below.

Deadpool & Wolverine is a lot like a comedy script reading written to be performed by whichever random group of voice actors happen to be attending a particular convention. The plot is a thin excuse to bring together the characters they played, taking pains not to meddle with the stories they appeared in. The script takes for granted that the audience consists entirely of the diehard fans that would make the trip out to the convention, and is full of little zingers that you have to be a wiki editor to get. There's not really any sense of a physical environment aside from a narrator periodically chiming in with scene transitions. In fact, there's really no thought given to anything except the dialogue. Unlike most convention script readings, Deadpool & Wolverine is a $200 million tentpole blockbuster with over a thousand names in the credits, and also isn't funny.

That's really what it boils down to, isn't it? Do you find this film funny? I remember finding the first Deadpool pretty funny, when I watched it as a 16 year old. I remember not really liking Deadpool 2, as an 18 year old, but begrudgingly admitting it made me laugh a few times. Now my best friend and I, 25 years old, figured we'd go see Deadpool & Wolverine on a lark, and sat stone-faced through the whole fucking thing.

Where's the joke, guys? No, go on, tell me. Is it that it sounds like they're talking about gay sex, but actually they're talking about senseless violence? Is it that Deadpool calls your big glowy CGI beam machine a "mcguffin"? Is it that someone is fat, or bald, or ugly, or a woman? Is it gay sex again?

Ah, well. Maybe this time the movie isn't funny per se, but at least it'll have good fight scenes, right?

Lol. Lmao. Every fight is the same, which is to say boring, pointless, repetitive, uninspired, meaningless, repetitive. From the very opening scene, in which Deadpool massacres a bunch of identical mooks by stabbing (?) them with the blunt (?) adamantium bones of Logan's corpse, it's obvious that Shawn Levy simply cannot fucking muster an ounce of the creativity Deadpool director Tim Miller applied to the equivalent opening titles of that film. You can't even pretend it's shocking if it's the same thing every single god damn time.

And I honestly just refuse to believe I've changed that much. I still like lots of things I liked when I was 16! I think this film is just atrocious. The filmmakers had access to two of the biggest personalities Marvel's ever had, with superpowers that have some of the biggest potential for creative storytelling, and pretty much carte fucking blanche to do whatever the fuck they wanted in the Marvel multiverse. And this is was the best they could do?!

I'm not going to pretend nothing that happens in this film matters because it's a multiverse story, or any weaselly little canon-minded brain-rotted complaint like that. Nothing in this film matters because there's just no fucking reason to care for any of it; it fails to conjure an emotional reality for any of the characters. You're watching action figures being smashed together. Deadpool is trying to redeem himself to his girlfriend for some reason, whatever, it doesn't really matter. Wolverine is trying to redeem himself over having killed a bunch of nameless people offscreen, or something, who cares. And the film really wants you to care, because it's filled with these moments where they suddenly go silent, and the music swells, and then Deadpool will give a pseudoironic little monologue about how important this all is to him.

Much of the film takes place in the Void, a non-place dumping ground for multiversal detritus. It's here where the film has its greatest opportunity to show a little flair, create a compelling setting. And sure enough, the post-apocalyptic settlement built in Ant-Man's supersized corpse is a fun idea. But that's really all they were able to come up with. The problem ends up being that there isn't actually enough Marvel iconography to fill a trashpile with, even if that's where most of it belongs; all Marvel has is its characters, and even they are mostly a game of musical-chairs with the same basic costumes and concepts. So you end up with this barren CGI wasteland dotted with what few recognizable objects this franchise has. They've all slipped my mind now. The ship from Guardians of the Galaxy was in there somewhere. Remember Guardians of the Galaxy? That was a funny movie. God, I wish I was watching Guardians of the Galaxy instead of this.

At a time where the MCU's cultural cachet is really at its lowest point ever, it feels like the last thing anyone was asking for is a movie about how much of a fanboy Deadpool is for the MCU. At least on some level, Deadpool is intended to be countercultural—right? But the MCU is the culture. Okay, so maybe not countercultural—irreverent, then? Here, he does little but revere the MCU.

I'm struggling to work out how I was ever tricked into viewing Deadpool as a subversive character. As depicted in these films, he's typically written as having... "good taste" is the wrong phrase. He has opinions on which fast food chain is better than the other. Deadpool has things which he likes, and things which he doesn't like. When he's doing a referential joke that boils down to the referent being "good" or "bad", it's taken as given that his opinion would widely be viewed as true on some level. If he doesn't like something, like Green Lantern, it's because it's obviously bad. If he likes something he shouldn't, like his Adventure Time watch, it's because it's ironic. And if he unironically likes something, like dogs—or "good boys" as he calls them—then it's probably something which most people can broadly agree on liking. 70% of people prefer the taste of Pepsi Max, apparently, according to the pre-roll ads. So was the producer's goal here just to show Deadpool as a guy who loves the MCU, in the hopes that this would trick the Core Demographic into remembering that, hey, they love the MCU too! Deadpool is just like them, for real, for real. Was that it?

None of this stuff needed celebrating. None of this stuff needed eulogising. It will all end up there, half-buried, and we will look at the IP landfill and think, ehn.

And the thing is obviously I knew what this movie would be like going in. I only went because it was that made-up "national cinema day", which meant all the tickets were half-price; and out of all the titles being screened on that particular day, this was the only one I could imagine myself wanting to watch for any reason. And that certainly wasn't because I thought I'd enjoy it. I figured I'd go in, kill a couple of hours, laugh a few times, then write a mean little review for my internet friends. But deep down, the 16 year old in me was hoping that maybe I'd be wrong, that maybe it would surprise me, and that it would be good, somehow. That it would have something to express, anything, something kind of like a soul. But I guess it doesn't matter how little money you pay to see the film; you still pay.

Rating: 2/10

If you enjoyed this review... sorry, but I'm actually swearing off reviewing films for the time being! Like, why do I waste my breath on things which are bad? Particularly things which countless other people are watching and agreeing are bad? I enjoy writing these reviews, but they're really getting me nowhere fast. I'm hoping to devote more of my time to writing fiction which more people will enjoy in the future. Still, if you want to see previous reviews of mine, you can find them all on my Letterboxd.