#basically just a stream of consciousness rant while high

[chibishortdeath]

I am in a really weird spot of life rn. Just kinda a stream of consciousness rant about things.

I’m stuck living with my parents for many reasons, mostly financial. Houses are expensive as shit and I don’t have a job. Jobs are stupid hard to find, especially because I don’t have a college degree and I’m not allowed to drive the family car. I barely leave the house.

I definitely want something to change. I’m definitely trying to make something change. But there’s always something that stops it from happening. Find a job listing for at-home work and it’s an obvious pyramid scheme. So are the next however many in the list. Find another job that’s basically a call center position where you just read a script to people and they require a certain collegiate degree. Like genuinely I’ve scrolled Indeed or whatever for anything hiring in my area and/or within what I can do and it’s primarily scams and jobs I’m not qualified for.

Want to draw something? Well there’s 5 steps you have to complete first before you can do it and now supper is ready and so is the laundry, so you don’t have enough time to do it anyway. Also if you ever post anything you’ve made, have fun trying to gamble with every website just to get more than 5 people seeing it and good luck ever making a career with those numbers and that slow pace, not that art is a viable career anymore. And then similar goes for other not job related things— want to play a video game? Nope, that’s actually too loud and too long and not the right game. Want to go outside? Not without someone accompanying you, not in this weather, not at this hour. Want to go somewhere further outside? Nope, you’re not allowed to drive the car (even though you have a license and would like to keep that important life skill). Want to watch something? Nope, that takes too long and you have to be available to be interrupted for a while. And I just don’t wanna do anything anyone in my house would disapprove of, not that I have a concrete idea of everything they disapprove of, there’s some really obvious ones like I unfortunately live with some uh Harry Potter fans if that makes sense, very unfortunately cause haha they would not like me if I was disappointing in that regard oh boy, but like I don’t wanna just go take a walk around the block and then get a ton of shit for it and end up homeless. In other words, I am not in the position to be able to fuck around and find out— 50/50 Chance the find out section is either getting disowned or, worse, still being stuck there but now with the added bonus of getting treated worse :/.

I feel like my life is a waiting room tbh. No wonder I don’t really have any drive for anything anymore, anytime I try to do something it’s shot down. Or I end up with a good chance to do something and I’m too fucking exhausted or brain fogged to take it. I’m running on like windows XP operating system man. I don’t think I’ve processed several years yet, and double clicking the MS Paint icon more times isn’t gonna make it load any faster. I genuinely feel like I am gonna be in the dust unable to catch up with anything forever, and that’s even without all the shit I’m not allowed to do lest I wanna jeopardize my living situation. It’s boring, it’s monotonous, it’s the worst shit to be stuck in when you have addictive tendencies towards maladaptive daydreaming.

Anyway in positive news, I’ve started writing again :). I haven’t since high school so it’s been pretty fun to get into that. I’ve been working on a couple fics, they’re not done cause they’ll be pretty long I think lol. One is about Reinhardt and Renon after the events of CV64 cause I had a dream about them having a conversation, idk that one’s been fun. And the other is my transformers Ocs :3, of which their ref sheet thing is almost done, I just gotta color a couple more bots. And uh hopefully these don’t end up another random project I never finish cause of reasons stated above augh.

[a-polite-melody]

Truscum are always “honestly asking in good faith” why someone would transition without dysphoria.

Why the scare quotes?

Because while that’s what they say they’re doing, and what they’re portraying that they’re doing on the surface, what they’re actually doing is more insidious than that.

First of all, on any other posts made by truscum, where they’re trying to “educate” people, they say that their stance can be summarized just by, “you need dysphoria to be trans.” Anything else they say is built upon that assumption. And yes. That’s true.

And so, while asking why someone would want to transition if they aren’t dysphoric may seem like a harmless question and an opportunity to educate, it’s actually a trap.

Usually, as seen by how they move forward on those posts, they’re asking this question in lieu of asking how someone can be trans without dysphoria. They’re associating transness with transition, which is assimilationist bullshit that trans people have fought against for ages.

They’re perpetuating the societally held cisnormative believe that being cisgender is the default and trans people suffer because they’re “born with the wrong body” or “have a different brain sex than their body’s sex” or whatever the hell else nonesense cis people try to explain transness with (while coincidentally ignoring the extreme amounts of variation within even just cis people who share agabs’ primary sex characteristics, secondary sex characteristics, gonad structure, hormone levels, chromosomal make-up, etc. that demonstrate that the binary sexes aren’t two distinct categories, but a spectrum of different traits, and so “male brains and female brains” being in the wrong “female bodies and male bodies” is a gross oversimplification, as all sex-essentialist views are).

Basically, it’s a very reductionist stance that truscum/transmeds have taken by way of equating transness with transition with dysphoria (ie. clinicially significant levels of distress).

So, to answer their actual question of: “How can someone be trans without having dysphoria?” while also going over the answer to their ““good faith”” question’s answer as well.

Being trans is defined as “a person whose sex/gender assigned to them at birth differs from their actual gender.” If someone, when they were born, had a doctor exclaim about them, “it’s a girl!!” and then the person themself later, once they’ve started learning more about themself as a growing, developing person, says, “actually I think I’m a [insert-other-gender-descriptor-here],” then they’re trans.

No part of that requires dysphoria. And you aren’t entitled to know if they experienced it or not in realizing they’re trans.

That isn’t to say that dysphoria isn’t a very common way trans people realize that they’re trans, and that it’s not a common thing many trans people deal with. It just isn’t (and doesn’t have to be) a universal experience for every trans person. Every person is different. Every trans person is different. Your experience of having dysphoria may not accurately describe other trans people’s experiences, just like my experience of having had only euphoria may not accurately describe other trans people’s experiences.

I, personally, have fluctuating dysphoria. It took me multiple months after realizing that I’m trans to actually identify that feeling as dysphoria because it did fluctuate so much (and still does), while my gender euphoria stayed constant and very strong. And no, I’m not saying that to say, “take it from a real dysphoric trans,” I’m saying that for a long while, even after I’d realized I was trans, I didn’t actually have dysphoria. I still go through long spells of not having dysphoria.

I knew I wasn’t a woman. It never felt wrong to be called a woman, but saying that I’m not a woman feels more right. Which is why I want to socially transition to being nonbinary, and have in online spaces and offline safe spaces. Even before I experienced dysphoria, even when I haven’t experienced dysphoria in a long while, I still am nonbinary and want to be referred to as such. Same deal can happen with body parts. While I’ve basically resigned myself to not have gender affirming surgeries because I don’t need even more surgeries on top of the likely many I’ll have in the future because of chronic illness and disability... I should have a penis. I was born without one. I’m not dysphoric about what I have. I even kinda like what I’ve got going on down there when it’s not throwing a tantrum at me about one thing or another. But I also have. Basically a phantom penis. It’s there, even if it’s not physically there. I’m not dysphoric, but if it were viable for me to have that kind of intensive surgery paying out of pocket (because for me it’s not necessary, even though I want it), I totally would. There’s physical transition without dysphoria, and notice how it doesn’t steal resources considering even with universal healthcare where I live, non-necessary procedures usually can’t be covered, and also get pushed down to the very bottom of waiting lists in favour of people who have serious need of those surgeries within a shorter timeline so that the resource of time actually ends up getting taken from those of us who might get an improved quality of life, but don’t technically need the surgeries because we’re not dysphoric and often will end up with our lives on pause for years so that people who need it sooner can only have their lives paused for a few months. Just saying. (Resource stealing arguments have never made sense to me, especially now that I’m in the medical system for other non-“necessary” crap related to the disability/chronic conditions and keep getting sidelined and nothing is moving forward because I’m not imminently dying, so it’s fine, I guess. But I digress...)

My experience of transness has had so little dysphoria that the majority of what I’d consider to be that transness has nothing to do with dysphoria. Dysphoria has almost no role in my identity or my being trans.

It’s at about this point that I’m expecting comments like, “But you are dysphoric. It doesn’t matter that it’s rare, all that matters is that you’re dysphoric!”

And that misses the point entirely. I’m not looking for validation for myself. I’m not looking for edgy teens who think bullying people is fun and cool if you’re an oppressed person doing it to tell me that actually, I’m a “twue vawid twans uwuwuwu!!!”

I’m saying that propping dysphoria up as the one single thing that makes a person trans is reductionist and has assimilationist roots. It’s intrusive and a violation to require knowledge of someone’s medical conditions (which dysphoria is, transness is not).

Take trans people at our words. We know us best. And you being trans doesn’t make you the expert on each and every one of us. Instead of trying to prove if someone’s a cishet faker, take them at face value.

And, you know... just. Use their behaviour to gage if they should be asked to leave or not. I’ve been hurt waaaay more often and way more seriously by gatekeepers in LGBT+ spaces than people in queer spaces who are ““��transtrending”””. I’d rather outsiders see people having harmless fun exploring their identities and thinking trans people are a joke than them seeing people infighting and making what is meant to be a safe and welcoming space for people figuring out gender stuff into a place of bullying and harassment and think trans people are a joke.

Because, in the end, people saying they’re stargender will never hurt trans people as much as someone probing into their medical history, assuming things about them based on parts of their appearance which they can’t hide about themself (like big hips, breasts that can’t be made flat or can’t be bound at all, etc.) that make them “present female” (whatever the hell that means), especially if that trans person has been trying to love all of their body anyway as part of self care, and as such triggering dysphoria in a whole bunch of trans people in doing so.

[captainrandomstranger18]

My dearest Captain,

The story of Thaddeoso is much less exciting than one might think. Basically my grandpa told a story of this huge frog that hung around when my mom was young and they called him Thaddeus. Then then my cousins and I found this huge frog by the spring and my sibling suggested we call him Thaddeoso, so we did.

1. Could you maybe stop judging others and let them enjoy things in peace please?

2. All the ones I’ve seen so far (tos, aos, tng, and voyager)

3. That’s a hard one. I like all of them Janeway and Q and Geordi a lot though

4. I don’t know, I actually haven’t thought about it

5. Yep! I like most musicals, but I think my current favorites are Sweeney Todd, Singin in the Rain, and Cats (not the newer movie though)

6. Maybe maple cus we used to make maple syrup back at the first place I lived

7. You know what should be a thing? Space mythology. Like dragons who live in black holes and hoard light and sirens that mimic distress signals to lure spaceships into asteroid fields and vampires that steal the oxygen from your lungs (I have been thinking about this a lot today)

8. It’s currently tied between a black pair with neon kinda flowery/geometric shapes and a white pair with jellyfish

9. I haven’t been in public lately and I tend to tune out most of the other people in school so I don’t really have anything for this one. I hit my creative writing word count goal though! (8,000 words (everyone set their goals at 8,000 except this one kid who set his at 8,001))

I have never had a brookie, but it sounds amazing.

Yours,

L

Dearest L,

To continue the pattern of answering my own questions:

1. I would probably do 1 of 2 things (depending on my mood). Either I would tell everybody to treat all people with respect or kindness, or I would just rick roll everyone on the planet.

2. My favorites are also all the ones I’ve seen so far (I swear it is so hard to pick a favorite Trek! They are all so beautiful and wonderful and unique in their own ways, and its hard to compare them to each other.) These include TOS, TAOS, DS9, and TNG.

3. Data would probably be my #1 favorite, and my second favorite would be everyone else because I can’t choose.

4. I relate to Data’s curiosity and not understanding humans all the time, and I relate to Julian Bashir’s awkwardness. But the character I probably relate to the most is Reginald Barclay. Like every time he comes on screen and so much as breathes I’m like “MOOD. THAT’S ME RIGHT THERE.” I also relate to Riker because I like to put my leg up on random things.

5. I like a lot of musicals. My favorites would probably be Hamilton, The Fiddler on the Roof, and Bye Bye Birdie (I was in that one for my high school’s theater program. I was a background character.) Singin’ in the Rain is also really good, although I haven’t watched it in a while. I do remember my first time watching it, though. I was a little kid and I was at my grandma’s house and she got out an umbrella so we could dance along to it. :D

6. My favorite tree would have to be the Rainbow Eucalyptus: 

I’m sending pictures of the most amazing trees, you’ll be obsessed with all my forest expertise! (Sorry that was a Dear Evan Hansen reference) (I’m not even that big of a fan of the musical, that line just popped into my head right now) (Although Sincerely Me is sincerely a bop in my opinion.) (Dang that was off topic, where was I?) 

AH, yes. TREES!

I just-look at its colors. Asfshdjkds. I kinda want one tbh. Ok, fine, I really want one. The only issue is that they live in tropical climates and I DON’T live in a tropical climate so it probably wouldn’t do too well if I were to plant one here. Oh well. At least the internet exists so I can admire them from afar.

Here’s the wikipedia article on them if you want to learn more: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eucalyptus_deglupta

7. First of all, can I just say that I LOVE THE IDEA OF SPACE MYTHOLOGY. That’s brilliant. And you’re absolutely correct. Why isn’t that a thing? THAT SHOULD BE A THING!!!! (Side question: do you mind if I use your space dragon idea in that Existential Crisis: The Musical that I’m sort of on a hiatus of writing? Like that,,,, is such a cool idea. The musical mostly takes place in outer space btw. Also if I do use it I’ll be sure to credit you! Even though I’m not actually planning on getting the musical published anywhere any time soon. Side-side question: should I credit you as “Mysterious Anonymous Tumblr User L” or something else? Side-side-side question: I actually forgot what I was going to type here but “side-side-side” is fun to say. OK I JUST REMEMBERED. Actually I just forgot again. Goshdarn adhd. OH I REMEMBERED AGAIN. Would you like to hear what my musical is about in a future letter? That is all.)

Dang i just went off on a tangent there (This is what it’s like when my adhd medication has worn off). What was question #7 even supposed to be?

*checks previous letter* Oh, to go on a rant of any sort. I think I just kind of did that on accident. Whoops. (Sorry you had to read my stream-of-consciousness ramblings about whatever the heck that was.)

ANYWAYS, I liked your space dragon idea so much that i drew this picture based on it, here you go:

sorry the camera quality is really bad lol. I tried (and failed) to make the dragon look galaxy-printed if that makes any sense. 

But dude- space mythology is my new favorite thing now.

8. My current favorite pair of socks are a pair I have that are fluffy with unicorns on them.

9. I haven’t been in public lately either lol. But congratulations on your writing goal! That’s a lot of words! :D

Brookies are, in fact, amazing.

Now for some new questions!

1. Since you mentioned previously that you liked Unnus Annus, and since I basically missed out on most of it, what happened in some of your favorite episodes?

2. Do you think reality is a simulation?

3. Do you have any cool random facts about anything? (it can be about LITERALLY anything. I like any and all cool random facts.)

4. Do you know what your hogwarts house is?

5. Do you have a motto of any sort?

6. Am I allowed to guess who you are, or should I wait for you to tell me? (I’m fine waiting, it’s just that I have a few guesses already)

7. Would you like to read my horrible Star Trek crack fanfiction.

8. Semi-Philosophical Question Time: How would you define freedom?

That is all! Thank you for continuing to write/read these letters. I look forward to them every day! To quote another musical, “Now my life gets better every letter that you write me!” (Sorry if that was dumb lol, im bad at this)

Yours Truly,

Captain

[tesseractj]

The Truth, and too much of it

Here we go, Fanfic 1.

 I got the prompt for this at http://imagine-loki.tumblr.com/post/153439568024/imagine-you-and-loki-are-members-of-the-avengers

 Now, I am so new to all this and I probably need to learn tons more about Tumblr, presentation, etc. I also need a PC for this. Instead, I'll let it fly. 

 Summary: OC is a long time Avenger, gets kidnapped, gets drugged, gets rescued, and shares far more of her love life with Loki than she ever wanted to. Steve and Bruce want to hide, Tony wants to listen and Loki keeps prompting for more. 

 OC and basic universe is based on a much bigger fanfic I have been working on. Basically she's a shameless self-insert, Loki is doing better and is an Avenger, and everyone actually does live together when possible creating a nice family of happy Avengers. Definite references to smut, sex, kinks and NSFW stuff. Also minor references to a nebulous past trauma. 

 .................................................. 

 The trick to this drug seemed to be to turn the stream of consciousness into a personally interesting rant. I was slowly driving my captors nuts with it. 

 They asked about Iron Man’s weaknesses and got a rant about Tony’s inability to receive a cup of cocoa when handed to him, or his habit of ordering dinner before anyone had decided what to eat or cook. The best info they gained was his favorite drinks and favorite swimsuit model. That rant lasted a good hour, broken by attempt to steer the information to their needs. 

 “Nooo, weaknesses in the his suit design!” “Like clothes? Nope, he’s got a great designer for clothes. Perfect designs.” They learned his strange clothing choices, designer apparel with $2,000 cufflinks, and then a great deal about Pepper’s awesome wardrobe. They cut me off again when I started talking about the history of the color pink and child product consumerism. 

 “No, his suit, tell us about the Iron Man suit weaknesses!” 

 “Have you seen that thing? Who thinks red is a good color for a suit? Tony freakin’ Stark. I love the guy, but any chance it could be black, brown, camo? Noooooo. Red and Gold! Not that Steve’s suit is better. Still, he didn’t design it so I give him a break there. . . usually.” That devolved into a comparison of all Avengers’ gear designs, and more embarrassingly who looked hot in what.

 They tried asking about the defences for Avenger’s Tower and the compound. I had more trouble deflecting that. I couldn’t help but start talking about FRIDAY, but once I got myself talking about the AI’s personality I was off on a rant about the comparisons between her program, the TESS program in my Neural Interface and JARVIS. TESS won that comparison, after 15 minutes of one sided discussion. 

 “What is Nick Fury’s home address?” I laughed at the likelihood of anyone knowing that answer. No one could discover his favorite coffee, let alone his home address, codes, birthday, favorite color, etc. 

 “Does Black Widow fear anything?” I got in 15 minutes about how amazing spiders are, how they are related to horseshoe crabs, how insects were the first land animals and what does Natasha have to do with sea lions? 

 “Listen up! We don’t know what another dose of this will do.” Interrogator #3 held up another vial of whatever they kept dosing me with. “We’d prefer you sane and useful, at least until we sell you and your info to the highest bidder. You are really making that hard.” 

 “Maybe the drug is no good on me? Did you test it on normal humans or genetic experiments visiting from other universes? There’s only a few of us visitors hanging around, so, I’d be pretty supri-”

 “There’s more of you?” Interrogator #1 exclaimed, looking both excited and worried at the thought. 

 I almost winced, that was more info than I wanted to share, but,”More of me? Not on this planet that’s for sure. We tend to aggravate each other outside of specialized conditions.” “More visitors fro. . . what the hell was that?”

 I was saved from accidentally revealing anything by some very loud sounds coming from somewhere not too far off. I sighed in relief. “You all are in so much trouble now. If Nat, Bruce or Loki are here you are dead meat.” Now I explained how painfully dead those three would make my captors. 

 “. . . and after the Hulk puts you through a wall Loki will pull your insides out through any hole he finds. If you haven’t died yet he’ll-” 

 “Shut up! This can’t just be the drug. You must be insane! Who says all that so cheerfully? How did you take a question about the Hulk and turn it into a lecture about Black Holes, Stars Exploding and Poles?” I grinned at the remaining guy in the room. That had been a fun stream about Gamma Ray bursts, threats to life in the universe and Magnetic Pole reversal. 

 Huh, when did the other two guys leave the room? I was knew the drug was affecting my awareness, but that was worse than I thought. Oh well, the door was flying open and I was given a second off from having to answer anything as I watched Steve stop the final guys questions. 

 My awareness hazed out for the next bit until I was breathing fresh air and realized that I was explaining to Cap how medicines for mental illness had side effects like memory loss.

 “Is she alright? Let me see her!” I heard a pleasant, if urgent, voice cut through my mental fog. 

 “Loki! I told them they’d be in big trouble if you came. I knew you would be here. Did you rip anyone to shreds? Did Nat come and break some bones?” I asked happily, likely sounding almost drunk.

 Loki looked straight into my face, eyebrows drawn in confusion. Instead of answering me he turned to Steve, who had helped walk me outside. “What has happened to her, Captain? What have they done to her?”  

“It seems they had a truth serum of some sort. We gave Bruce samples and he’s already started analysing it on the Jet. We’ll know more by the time we get home.” 

 “Know more? I’m certain I could reveal everything we need from one of the prisoners,” Loki got a dangerous glint in his eye. 

 Steve was going to raise an objection, but I couldn’t keep my mouth closed. “Awww, I know I shouldn’t, but I love the way you look when you get all dangerous and angry.”

 Loki turned back to me in concern and surprise. Before he could ask for clarification on my apparent love of his dark side I continued with more helpful information. “It’s some sort of temporary inhibition release, like a truth serum thingie mixed with ativan mixed with alcohol. They said it calms the subject(me!), reduces or rids control of mind to mouth and encourages open thinking. I really don’t think they realized what open thinking means for me. They learned a lot about my love of sciency stuff and how I adore all of you guys, verrrry little about our defences or secrets.” 

 I looked more seriously over at Steve,”I was getting really loopy at the end there. It’s worth seeing if they got a record of anything in case something important slipped. I haven’t heard TESS, since the first dose, but she might be fully operational and have a record.” Always helpful to have an AI built into your brain, or adjacent to it, or whatever Stark called it.

 I felt a hand turn my face so I would look back at Loki. “But are you alright, love? Did they hurt you?” The concern on his face sobered me up as we started walking to the Jet. My general awareness seemed to be coming back as I also noticed a SHIELD team run past about twenty feel off, and Tony was talking to someone while pointing back at the building I had been held in. The Jet was only a few hundred feet away, like a little piece of home come to get me. 

 “I’ll be fine, I think it was just a few scratches and bruises. They insisted the drug needed high doses to hurt a normal brain, and you know my physiology would handle way more than a normal human brain.” I paused to look closer at him and say,”Sorry I got kidnapped, again. I really don’t want to worry anyone, especially you.” Memories of the previous, and much worse, abduction made me shudder lightly.

 I felt his arm pull me closer to him as we started up the ramp. He seemed to take a moment to breath the scent off my hair. “It’s hardly your fault. I do wish I could keep such events from occurring. However, I would like to return to a comment you made a moment ago.” 

 I looked up at him in confusion as we settled into the seats. “You enjoy my dangerous and angry look?”

 Even in my current state I felt a blush start, “Well, yeah. You know I think you are extra sexy when you are all serious, or protective and angry. It’s not like I never told you that, right? Or, wait, no, yeah, didn’t I mention it that first time we had the silk cords and candles, whe-” 

 “Uh, Juliana, you know Bruce and I are standing right here, right?” Steve asked in a soft but mortified tone. Bruce looked like he wanted to shrink into oblivion.

 Any blush I had before was nothing compared to the the heat I felt on my face now.  No, I hadn’t even thought about who else was on the plane. It was as if everything but Loki and I had disappeared. Loki had one of his freakin’ smirks going and I knew he felt no shame. “Oh good lord, I’m so sorry Steve. Hi Bruce, sorry. Umm, thanks guys for coming to rescue me and I can’t believe. . . stop smirking Loki!” I whacked him on the shoulder. 

 Bruce tried to sound understanding,”No, it’s fine, I get it. You are under the influence, so to speak, Don’t, don’t worry about it Jay. Just glad you’re okay.”

 “Don’t worry about what?” Tony’s load steps echoed into the Jet as he came onboard. His suit was on, helmet off, and he looked curious. 

 The answer came from the cockpit, which furthered my embarrassment,”It’s nothing Tony, that’s why we don’t have to worry.” Clint had heard me too.

 Everyone should have known Tony would have none of that. Loki’s smirk became a full grin as Tony said,”Oh no, it’s something.” He looked at me appraisingly, then pointed as he figured it out,”You're still drugged and started dishing out something good. What is it? Spill.” 

 My face hit my hands as I started,”Well, I was remembering the time Loki and I-”

 “TONY, no! No taking advantage of this. Sorry Jay, you don’t have to answer,” Steve interjected before things got too far. 

 “But daaaad, it was gonna be fun!” Tony whined.

 I got to grin as I watched Tony piss off Steve, which kept up until Natasha got on board and we prepared to head home. I learned that Thor had flown off for a date as soon as he heard I was rescued. That turned out to be a very good thing, because Loki wasn’t done with his fun. 

 A few minutes after take off I was finally quiet, staring at the spot I had been lying in after me last rescue. I wanted to curse the system of balances that made pain and fear a good substitute for all the bad things I could stop. It was worth it but. . . 

 ”Surely a simple smile did not merit such a violent response,” Loki spoke up, rubbing his shoulder as if I had actually hurt him. “I would love to hear more about what you were remembering. I can’t seem to place what you were speaking of,” he sounded almost thoughtful, under his blasted smile.

 “Oh good lord, Loki! Don't think I doubt you remember that perfectly well. Green silk cords, specialty candles, those flo-” 

 “Hmmm Hrmm,” Steve coughed as I turned red again.  

“Oh great, I am still just spewing out everything in my head. How long will this last?”

 I glanced over at Bruce, who was looking very uncomfortable. “Oh, um, I don’t really know. I’ve tried to hook FRIDAY in to TESS and they are running some numbers. Let me see. . . oh, looks like 3-6 hours?”

 I gasped,”Oh no, no no, is there a sedative, yeah, sedative you can give me? I am not ready for my inner dialogue here.” 

 “Jay, Juliana, you just sat with strangers for over 7 hours under the influence. We are much safer,” Steve tried to reason. 

“First off, I don’t care what those a-holes think of me. Second off, different circumstances lead to very different answers. I was in a clinical interrogation, it was easy to stay impersonal. You all are my family, it’s personal here. Third, look at Loki’s face! He’s planning mischief!” 

 Loki put on an air of hurt innocence,”I most certainly am not!” 

 “Ugh, we all know better darling. You might be subtle, but you are trouble,” I glared, with maybe a hint of love bleeding through.

 “I could be less subtle dear, if you like. Or I could,” he leaned in, close to my ear, “ask something very subtle, like what do you want?”

 Everybody else disappeared again as my answer took over. He made things worse by skating his fingers over my neck. “I want to strip your armor off, throw you down and kiss every part of you until you-” 

 “Loki, enough! That’s enough of this!” Steve sounded half panicked, half furious. He was trying to use his Captain America voice, though it sounded just a little off. 

 “Perhaps if you and Bruce are finding this uncomfortable, you could move farther away from our conversation,” Loki offered. 

 Tony snorted at that. He was having a grand time now. This was all he wanted out of a good truth serum debacle. Steve was flustered, I was flustered but showing my kinky side, and Loki was grinning like the happiest God of Mischief in the universe.

 Loki looked back at me,”You must be hungry after everything.” 

 “Seriously, using that voice and saying that? Of course I am hungry,” I said, trying to steer my thoughts to food, chocolate, fruit, oh no. “I would love to have some chocolate and, and, and,” I tried to fight it,” annnnd I would love to lick it off of you, bit by bit. I would paint both of us in it, and then use a whole strawberry. . .”

 Steve and Bruce fled as far as they could get. Tony’s eyes went wide as he gleefully listened to my fantasy. Loki got a different look in his eyes, promising fun down the line.

 It was a few days later that I thought back and realized something quite important. Every time I had started to get overwhelmed with memories from that previous trauma, Loki would step in an distract me with stupid salacious prompts. I couldn’t decide whether or not to thank him, or if I should explain that he could have picked a less embarrassing distraction. Then I remembered that look in his eyes, and how once I got a clean bill of health we made good use of green silk cords and plenty of chocolate. Not much more needed to be said, once I thought of that.

[titleknown]

A Sampling Of The Members Of The Game Bosses Union:

King of Spikes: You know those bosses that’re the king of minor mooks, like King Moblin or Goomboss? Yeah, this guy is that for death spikes. Complete with crown and pompous mustache and buffoonish; blustering personality. And he has ultimate control of his “subjects,” and wants to ultimately cover the world in spikes. There’s a reason he’s considered creepy and unsettling by everyone despite his demeanor

Cephimani Prime is, you know those head-n-hands bosses that’re just a giant head and hands, usually mechanical or inorganic in some way? Like Gholdan from Zelda, Wham Bam Rock from Kirby, Andross from Star Fox, ect?

Well, Cephimani Prime is the first of those from across the multiverse, skeletal in the way machines without a covering tend to be, at once a machine that’s at once incredibly advanced, but also shockingly simple to produce, designed to work with simple technologies in innovative ways to produce the base for any number of impressive fighting machines.

It’s not the strongest at its base level, in fact it has several glaring weak points unarmored, but it almost always comes armored in whatever advanced-level tech the surrounding area has to offer.

It’s constantly getting destroyed, but also constantly getting rebuilt, as its basic blueprints are scattered all across the multiverse, and even may have been the ones the creators of those others ripped off (Whether consciously or unconsciously) there.

Tho, weirdly, nobody really knows who first designed it, and the fact that each instance somehow seems to share memories has some unsettling implications, despite its robotically obsequieous personality…

Thelemas Rotas comes from a world where a structure called The Wheel of Fate keeps creating these random magical events, that always seem to come in a cycle of rise and ruin but with lots of little things randomly shifted. One Queen from an ancient kingdom decided to find out why, running her kingdom ragged to try and find the reason why; ultimately  and found out about the wheel. And became stockholm syndromed to it. And ultimately fused to it, despite a group of her most loyal soldiers and court members trying to stop her in the end. And then she kept coming back, reincarnating in different bodies that slowly grew aware of their previous incarnations and their connection to the wheel and their destiny to keep it going, doing so with its dread powers and the armies of monsters coming from that age’s zeitgeist to her, until one group of prophecy-breaking heroes went to break the wheel,

But that is for another story. As of now, she wanders the multiverse as a monster-for-hire, commanding biological abomination sand using the random powers of her wheel, both changing to fit the zeitgeists of the places she goes. She beautiful but cruel and is deeply haughty and conceited about her metaphysical role in things, even when she barely applies to the world she’s on, even if she has little relevance to, going bonkers and stabby and resorting to wildly dangrous shit when her plans begin to fall apart, with snow-white hair and porcelain pale skin, usually wearing a wildly-overdesigned but strangely memorable outfit. Her god-monster form is suspended across a gigantic Wheel Of Fortune with various occult symbols on it, her eyes constantly changing colors like card suits and her body flickering through space like a Jacob’s Ladder monster.

Cosmos Ophiuschus is a magically powerful model of the planets in an ancient kingdom repurposed by an invading despot into a war machine, which they kept around despite her defeat because of its usefulness, and it stayed around even after the empire fell. She looks like a serpent with a body made of spheres, with a head of fire representing the sun and the sheres making up the rest of her body being based on planets, with them each granting it a power based on the planet, IE Mercury creates speedy meteor shots, Venus emits poison gas, Saturn shoots buzzsaw rings, Jupiter creates storms, ect.

This can be troublesome when the spheres are cracked by attacking enemies, and thusly can no longer be used until she goes to heal. And she can heal, via the magic of the planets that make it up, as well as having the ability to shift those planets to the abilities of any planets it might encounter in any other solar system, with related abilities.

She’s about animal intelligence; and in general is not a very smart noodle, but it does always show up wherever its services might be called upon, including Union meetings, and the most likely theory is that it is compelled by the music of the spheres…

Boss Benkei was once a great gangleader robber-king of a world-spanning crime empire who fell deeply in love with a former rival-turned-partner, a man by the name of Moto. Moto was cursed to death after they killed the wrpmg, and he became a little… off after that. Now the might of his empire is focused on creating “power-ups”, items with the ability to enhance (Whether temporarily or permanently) the subject’s abilities, and has their production and use by his legions as the main focus of his operations, renting them out to those who can afford it.

His ultimate goal is to produce the one thing that can bring a person back from not just death, but a state beyond death with which Moto was sent. He looks like a beautiful; muscular middle-eastern man, with a boisterously dour personality. He only uses a permanently-shining super-sharp sword of bronze his main weapon/casting implement, because ultimately with his power-ups that’s all he needs.

Nobody really has any idea where The Bulleteer comes from, or even what gender they are, all they know is that they’re eerie, a slender figure in a red leather suit with a long flowing cape; a bullet-shaped helmet and the ability of flight, speed and to control “bullets”. Well they call them bullets, they’re more like glowing, living spheres. They do not consider morality much, only challenge, and mainly exist to challenge people in the art of racing and bullet-dodging.

Xerex, The Mirror Machine, is essentially a giant ancient technolgy mirror/copy-machine on legs who can copy from reflections of anything in its viscinity, and Mimess; the humanoid beetle with a very soft exoskeleton who can alter her physiology to mimic any being in her viscinity via a complex system involving a large array of senses, even electromagnetic sensitivity.

Xerex is very pompous, being made as “The Ultimate Weapon” of a decadent empire, while Mimess has an explosive finicky temper due to being insecure about her own physical fragility due to the same malleable anatomy that allows her her powers. That, and the fact their powers overlap, means they can’t stand each other…

Hookhead is just a giant asshole fish, bane of fisherman and swimming beast alike. A huge mean mixture between alligator gar and some kind of coelocanth with pblack scales, this thing’s been mutated by decades of pollution in his home stream into a vicious thing that practically oozes a rainbow of pollution and toxins, with the ability to control it thanks to the likely psionic powers gained from the place in his brain altered thanks to the massive goddamn hook in his brain.And, to clarify as his creator, yes he was concieved as an idea for a fishing-game-y boss, as well as one for @pettamapossum’s special-interest-cult-classic Finny And The Seven Waters.

Shin Rung is one of the greatest living masters of Ryuken Martial Arts, it is said this red-bearded bald-headed old man once defeated death itself after he was betrayed and murdered by a student of his, and as a reward; his hands and feet are invincible; even as they constantly bleed.

His weapon of choice is as unorthodox as it is deadly, namely a ladder made entirely of blades, from the rails to the rungs, razor sharp and utilizable in thousands of different ways; and that is before the ki attacks through it are used. It is far too heavy for most people to pick up even if they could touch its razor-sharp blades, but to see Shin Rung use it, one would think it is light as fog on a lighthouse-beam.

He fights not for money or for power; but only for self improvement and to one day find a worthy opponent. It is said that in training under him; the final test is to land but a single blow on him. Almost none have succeeded...

\\*Edge Hellblood 666: Antichrist Primadonna*//

The 666th attempt at cloning Satan from a vial of his blood and a single feather, who escaped in a conflagration of blood and fire five whole minutes after his vat was opened, this charmer is what one would call a lord high edgelord.

His left horn is a tiny nub while his right is massive on his head in a way that recalls a waxing moon, he has five wings that form a pentagram-like shape on his back, his hair streams like rainbow glitching VHS footage, his left eye is white while his right eye is black, his claws are bright silver and he is as beautiful as he is pretentious. Which is very.

He’s very much petulant; picky but bombastic in his plans and in his lifestyle, working to “strike back at a world that rejected him,” despite the fact that honestly he has endured far less hardship than a lot of the beings under his employ. Though as much as he rants and raves at the failures of his employees, he’s quite good to them, providing them many favors and second chances; and even what little sympathy/emotional support a stunted being like him can for their hardships. Basically think Bowser/Skeletor meets Sephiroth and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what working with him is like.

In addition to the powerful magical and occult potential and knowlege he has as a clone of Satan, he can command demons and dark spirits. Granted, they do not respect him at all and say they are simply “humoring” him, but they do still follow orders.

He also has a pet called Wormy, who looks like a pitch black bug-eyed tsuchinoko with a bright red apple-like growth coming out of the top of his head. Wormy is actually the 616th attempt at cloning Satan, and if you know your tropes you can probably guess he’s far more evil/powerful than Hellblood…

A curiously concealed knight whose armor looks like a neon sign, complete with blank spaces in between the tubes despite being fully three-dimensional, the enigmatically bombastic Neon Knight travels around working for whoever will hire her, with abilities usually based around the flashy neon/city-lights aestetic and Holy damage and lairs (Which she’d developed some clever tricks for quickly gussying-up) based on a lit-up city at night. She’s generally morally good but usually ends up either easily mislead or working for the good guys who happen to be on the wrong side of a “hero”.

Her most distinctive ability is her Neon Lance, which she uses while riding her neon-looking horse/motorcycle-hybrid to dash quickly into foes; once it’s clear the fight is getting serious. When asked about the reasons for her work, she simply says “I’m on a mission from god…”

These characters and members of the Union; collected here from multiple posts with a few new ones, are all free to use as long as I, Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as their creator. One of these days Imma have to draw ‘em, tho y’all can feel free in the meantime…

[uncocktail]

Uncocktail Uncorked: Indie Wine

So in our last post I went over what I perceived to be the twenty most popular wine varietals in a stream-of-consciousness rant. I had fun, but rather than getting directly to the runners-up like I said I would, I want to explore the other end of the spectrum: the most overlooked varietals. A little more editing went into narrowing down the final ten, but the commentary is equally spontaneous. I started off with 25 varietals, narrowed it down to 13 and trimmed off a little extra to wind up with 10. Easier for me to write, easier for you to read. Cheers.

Petite Sirah - We might as well start off with something fun. Petite Sirah (aka Durif) is the most overlooked of California’s major reds. Less jammy than Zinfandel, more playful than Cabernet Sauvignon, less temperamental than Syrah, Petite Sirah is the perfect starter wine for people transitioning from sweet wine to full-bodied reds. It’s the perfect alternative for consumers used to Mega Purple-infused, bourbon-casked, blueberry-ripe reds that retail for $20 in stores that only seem to carry Constellation Brands products. It’s a big, silly, party in your mouth.

Albana - Orange wine seems to be hotter and more in demand than ever this year which is why it surprises me that more independent distributors aren’t jumping on the Albana bandwagon. While Ribolla Gialla might have a slight edge in orange prestige due to legendary Slovenian expressions, Albana is known in the United States mostly as the “orange” grape of the equally-overlooked Emilia-Romagna region (better known for its cured meats and Parmigiano Reggiano). The most famous wine from this area is red sparkler Lambrusco, which is a good indicator of how weird the wines coming from it are. Albana is no exception, and while the orange wines it produces may not be world-class, they’re easy, passable, and consistently indicative of the style.

Pais/Mission - This is South America and Southern California’s dirty little secret, and I do mean dirty. One of the very few grapes to be transplanted by the Spanish (it’s really more of a French and Roman tradition), Pais is having a moment. Customers looking for a more funky, “natural” flavor profile with a lighter body can’t really go wrong with Pais’ approachable weirdness. Sure, no two expressions taste the same, but they share a common thread of tenuity and peculiarity. Maybe that’s due in part to the producers that still choose to play with the obsolete-church-wine-grape.

Pineau d’Aunis - France’s Loire Valley is basically only known for two kinds of wine: white and Cabernet Franc (plenty of Pinot Noir is grown, but most of it gets turned into rosé). Chenin Blanc, Sauvignon Blanc and Melon de Bourgogne all find their most famous expressions in the area, yet this unique and spicy grape sees almost no fanfare stateside. Did I emphasize enough that this grape is hella spicy? While Chinon’s Cab Francs might give you notes of dirt and green bell pepper, Pineau d’Aunis bypasses the vegetal straight into notes of black pepper and coriander. The most popular Pineau d’Aunis I ever encountered was a cheap rosé expression, a perfect representation of the grape’s wasted potential.

Silvaner - Sure, Silvaner may not taste as similar to Gruner Vetliner as your local wine merchant solemnly swore to you, but that’s fine. It tastes better. Entry level Silvaners consistently outperform their Gruner counterparts, and top-shelf ones are gorgeous, structured, balanced, age-worthy crowd pleasers. You can think of Silvaner as somewhere between Riesling and Gruner. It has Gruner’s approachability with Riesling’s minerality--without Riesling’s overwhelming acidity or Gruner’s bland finishes. Silvaner is thankfully obscure enough that if you come across one that’s been imported into the US, it’s almost guaranteed to be high-quality and a great value.

Bobal - Do you like overly-approachable, medium-bodied, oaky, juicy, vanilla bomb reds? Perhaps a Rioja Crianza without so much damn weight? Are you broke? If you answered yes to all of the above questions, congratulations, Bobal from Utiel-Requena is the wine for you. This is not a wine for oenophile snobs, it’s a basic-ass crowd-pleaser that is dirt cheap and criminally overlooked in favor of Spain’s many uninspired expressions of Tempranillo. Bottles rarely fetch more than $15 on the American market and your uncle is going to love it.

Grolleau - Much like its Loire-native sister Pineau d’Aunis, Grolleau lives its vintages in the shadow of the more renowned Cab Franc. That isn’t to say it has nothing to offer. Falling somewhere in profile between Cab Franc and Gamay, this grape is easily more fun and approachable than the former in its best expressions. While it may not be able to eclipse premium Gamay, its entry-level expressions regularly do.

Malvasia - This is almost cheating. In Europe, Malvasia usually translates to “native grape to this region and we don’t know what the fuck it is.” This is why you’ll see it more commonly coming from Eastern Europe, where varietal genetics aren’t as well-documented. Nevertheless, Malvasia is synonymous with “generic white grape” in most of the wine world and its expressions are boundless. Equally capable of producing robust orange wines, lean whites and the finest white wines Portugal has to offer, Malvasia is a true workhorse varietal, and a critically important connective fiber in the wine market. Sure, every country seems to have a different genetic strain, but the obscurity of the varietal and the preponderance of its expressions makes that nagging fact irrelevant.

Loureiro - This zesty, lemon-lime-noted grape from Portugal’s Vinho Verde region is a true unsung hero. It’s the rare example of a mixing grape that works better as a single-varietal wine. Sure, Vinho Verde’s best wines may be Alvarinho-based, but that’s only due to the ubiquity it has in the region’s vineyards. Its single-varietal Loureiros can taste like drinking flat 7-Up with less sugar. Need to share a bottle of wine with someone who can only tolerate off-dry Mosel Rieslings? If you can find a bottle of single-varietal Loureiro, it makes a perfect substitute.

Pinot Meunier - Is it fair to call one of the trinity grapes of Champagne overlooked? Absolutely, especially when the only descriptor it usually gets in Champagne write-ups is “mixing grape.” Blanc de Blanc always means all Chardonnay. Blanc de Noirs usually means all Pinot Noir. Pinot Meunier is the awkward middle child that shines as a single-varietal, bubble-free expression just about anywhere else in the world--particularly in Germany where they call it Schwarzriesling (literally “Black Riesling”). Small growers in Champagne are increasingly playing with Meunier-only bottlings thanks to its reliability compared to Champagne’s more tempestuous signature grapes. Sure, it doesn’t have a distinct character of its own, but part of the excitement of the grape is just how disparate their expressions of terroir can be.

Photo by Rohit Tandon on Unsplash

[lifeisshrug]

science march 4-22-17

i’m not marching today. The science march is overtaking DC and it’s earth day but yet i’m #optinginside. Bill Nye is there, as is questlove (main MC??). CEO of Nature Conservancy is there. Most of my friends are there. Not me, today. Not really sure why. Wanting an indoor day to myself, mainly. I’d also really like to be perched out aside a stream in the middle of the woods and just watching life pass me by, but I’m not up for the struggle of getting to a destination with parade traffic, nor do i really long for congested trails full of newbs and tourists. 

It is also a rainy day and i worry that my outdoor toughness is softening; perhaps i just don’t want to get rained on? Pull yourself together, man. 

Yesterday was a normal friday at work, except that it was a busy morning (annoyingly, thanks boss); had lunch in the sun; procrastinated in the afternoon; ditched at about 4 and met Grace in the sculpture garden fountain on constitution. we sat in the sun and talked about her people watching (she’d had lunch with adriane and stuck around in the city). She’d written some stream of consciousness stuff (we’re currently trying to write some songs together) about wishing she could stop protecting her heart, and wishing she could do away with her plans and escape and go on adventures. She mentioned the man on the street, that she’d left out something he said: “all my thoughts are noble thoughts because all my thoughts are moral” or something like that. She’d told a friend of this sentence, and the friend suggested grace and i’s band be called “Noble Thoughts,” which i thought was neat and better than any water-themed thing i could have thought up. i left her at the metro station on Pennsylvania and 7th; she was having a yoga-class friend stay the next few nights, as she was between places. I brought up homelessness; Grace inquired, and hoped i’d share my experience working on that at another time. Looking forward to seeing Hurray for the Riff Raff with her Sunday. 

Grace’s voicemail, upon encountering the man: alright, listen. so iwas just walkin home from yoga class, walkin down the street, with my yoga mat in my backpack. and on the other side of the street there’s this old man in a red blazer and a red american flag hat with the tags still on it and a big old beard and a guitar, sitting on the park bench waiting for the bus across the street. He looks like a homeless guy. And he yells at me “hey you, you there! watcha got in that backpack?” and i said “welp, its a yoga mat.” and he said “well i thought it was a musical instrument! Can you fit a musical instrument in there?” And I said “well, I sure do, i got a kazu and spoons and..” he says “well come on over here and lets sing us a song!” So i went on over there and i brought out my spoons and my kazu anddddd (laughing) and show them off to him a little bit. and he says “well that’s great!” and he tells me that he’s just come from the Railroad Evangelists Society where they talk about evangelizing the lord and model trains. And he keeps talking about this and i tell him im a unitarian and don’t believe in evangelizing and he said “well i used to be a unitarian too until i met my devil wife; she’s dead now, bless her, and to everyone else it was a blessing.” and he starts telling me about life and std’s and a second wife and that he liked to sleep around...” and he was a hoot. it was really funny. and i said ‘you know i gotta go, so lets sing a song and ill be on my merry way. so he gets out his guitar and says you’ll know this one; and he starts playing his guitar and it is soooo out of tune that you can’t even pretend that it’s in tune, but he keeps playing as if he doesnt notice; and he starts singing a song and the bus pulls up and i say “sir nice to meet you but i gotta get on” and winked at the bus driver as i walked away. anyway, i wanted to tell you that. He gave me his address in case i wanted to write him letters, and so that we can look him up to jam sometime, if you’re interested. *laughs* ok, bye.

Last night was beer club. I brought along the new belgium ‘tartastic,’ a light lemon ginger sour and trekked over to Emily’s new apartment on 3rd and I, with Sam. I also brought along my empty can of Pure Water Brew (by clean water services). Clara joined. It was the usual gang -- carlos, emily, sam, les, monica and josh, and the rest of josh/carlos’ friends who i still don’t really know that well after all these months. the theme was “green beer” in time for earth day. So when it was my turn, i started rambling about the ingredient that is most central to beer -- water -- and basically explained the crux of the issues I’m working on at EPA in order to paint a picture, and then explained that the Pure Water Brew was the perfect beer with respect to not contributing to those problems; and i explained my lament that i could not actually share it with anyone. Somebody asked if folks could one day get over the stigma of drinking beer made from poop water, and i smiled big and said “YES! And i’ll tell you why! Think about the water system we have. When you flush or whatever, all that water goes to the community wwtp, where it is cleaned to pretty paltry standards, and then released into the river -- millions of gallons worth a day -- and then the next town downstream sucks it in and makes their drinking water out of that. By the time potomac water gets to DC Water’s drinking water intakes, it’s supposedly gone through 7 or 9 people already. and so when folks ask me the poop water question, i simply say, ‘dammit, we’re all already drinking it anyway!’” and it went over pretty decently, actually. Anyway, people cheered for my “ted talk” and i was glad i brought it up, even though i’d only given it a little thought so my coherence wasn’t where it needed to be. the rest of beer club was a hoot, and we played with the pug Frank (emily’s roommates’) until we lost him; until we realized his momma had just snagged him. Everyone’s beer pitches were top notch and the voting was convoluted as ever (went with the “French” model of elections); Beer club is never a bad time. 

I quickly typed out my thoughts regarding the “ted talk on water and beer” that i started rambling about during beer club:

***

Given that we're doing green beer, it's earth day, and my beloved EPA is waiting in line for the guillotine at the moment. I wanted to talk a little bit about the ingredient that composes 99% of beer: water. Not only is this a key component of beer and almost every other commodity known to man, but it's also my trade so I want to rant about it a little bit.

What i am about to say is true about the entire world since the dawn of "civilized" man and industry, but it is particularly applicable to the US since 1492. According to the people of the united states, the US government, and private business, waterways have been one thing and one thing only: garbage cans. While large, navigable waterways have been thought of as passages for travel, all surface water bodies -- lakes, streams and rivers -- have been used primarily as the garbage cans of a productive society. Nearly everything that can be bought and sold in the US relies on intakes of surface water for the manufacturing process, and subsequently the disposal of used water back into the river, stream or lake. From factories producing batteries and Teslas and RC car toys and paper and pens and steel and plastics and cardboard and rubber garbage cans and blue jeans, to hog farms and paper mills, to coal power plants...all of these require an input of "clean" water, and during the manufacturing process, that clean water becomes dirty, and that water is treated to a minimal standard and then put back into the river or stream.

Consider the battery factory: they rinse their machinery and battery casings with water and create ionized metallic solutions for dipping, among other things; and the result is brine water full of arsenic, nickel, varieties of sodium. Take a coal fired power plant: water is drawn in to keep the smokestacks cool, and also to become steam which powers the turnbines that generate the electricity. It creates waters containing high levels of mercury, arsenic, lead, selenium, and other metals. My boss actually just led the rule writing to regulate to what standard coal plants have to clean that water before discharging it, and it became law in the last year, but now Pruitt is moving to erase it. But anyway, In both examples, the water is treated to remove part of the metals to the standards Congress allows EPA to set -- which are not stringent -- and then put back into the river.

And how could I forget poop! Whenever you flush, wash dishes, shower, laundry or whatever, that gets sent down the line to the community wastewater treatment plant. The solids are removed from the water, the water cleaned to the minimal accepted standard, and then "discharged" back into the river. And that discharge heads on downstream. So consider how our urban areas are set up. You have communities up and downstream of each other. So discharges from communities upstream remain in the water available for those downstream. Pretty elementary stuff, right? But this highlights a fundamental flaw in our system. You see, pollution /discharges were completely unregulated in the United States until 1948 and only then marginally until the 70's. That's the Clean Water Act that we know today. 

The problem with it is two-fold: first, we expected that we don't need to treat discharges to a very safe standard, because when we sucked the river water back in downstream, we could just treat the crap out of it and human health would be fine. That worked a 100 yrs ago, when clear water that didn't smell bad was assumed safe. But now our technology to detect specific contaminants is so much better, and we realize that cleaning crappy water (no pun intended) is actually really hard to do and expensive. Cleaning out hormones and nitrates, or microscopic plastic shedded from synthetic clothing in the washing machine, is super hard to treat, for example. For really big places like DC, DC Water has the economy of scale to afford all this crazy cleaning technology to superclean the drinking water. Which is important, because Potomac river water has been "through" 7 people and god knows how many manufacturing processes before it is treated and sent to your tap. DC Water can basically strip everything out but the hydrogen and oxygen and then literally have to add minerals back into the water to prevent health problems among us DC folks.

But small communities who lack much buying power? They get what they get. If they sit far downstream of a bunch of industrial activity and towns, and they can only afford some basic filters and chlorine, not the gizmos DC water can afford...what's going into their bodies? And this doesn't apply to just the drinking water plants; think about the wastewater plants. Some of them can turn wastewater into water so pure it can be used for anything, including drinking water. But what about communities that can't afford such technology? Many communities in rural areas can only afford what's called "lagoon" treatment -- literally a lagoon that allows sewage solids to settle to the bottom and microbes to partially disinfect the water on top, which then gets sent into the river. That kind of treatment doesn't do much for things like pharmaceuticals and heavy metals that may have ended up in the waste water.

It also does not address nutrient pollution. For those who forgot their 7th grade science, nutrient pollution comes from various sources and is mostly nitrogen and phosphorus. These are the two primary fertilizers required for optimized monoculture plant growth, and they are prerequisites for mankind's existence. But but we also release what consume in some form, and sewage contains tons of n and p. Additionally, in order to assure a sufficient crop yield, the US encourages Ag to use more fertilizer than necessary out of caution; and water events (rain, floods, farm animals like cows walking around in streams) result in this fertilizer, largely intact, running into rivers streams and lakes (along with animal wastes, which contain a ton of N and P). The result of excessive N and P in our waters is excessive microbial growth, like harmful algal blooms (which release neurotoxins into waters that cannot be filtered out, and Sidenote, these have been occurring more frequently on slow moving rivers and lakes near drinking water intakes). N and P are why the gulf of mexico has a dead zone.

And none of this involves other water issues. Everybody knows about flint now. But what about migrant families in the Central Valley of ca, where over fertilizing of crops results in nitrates in the groundwater, which these families must drink, and they boil the water out of fear of contamination, because the community water system is essentially third world, but boiling only concentrates the nitrates, which results in chronic health issues and birth defects? And that EPA wants to help fix that, but families don't bring attention to it because they think federal assistance will get the attention of ICE? And everyone knows about the ground sinking in California from pulling out too much groundwater, but what about the ground sinking in Virginia, of all places, because groundwater is drawn faster than it can be replenished, resulting in more flooding and saltwater fouling coastal groundwater that families rely on for drinking? Or what about mid size communities that can afford to do some innovative things to avoid these issues I'm ranting about, but the water rates are controlled by the city council, and since they want to be reelected, they keep the rates low, which deprived the water system of investment fund and ultimately prevents the community from doing "the right thing" and instead maintaining the status quo -- which is really the story across America, actually.

Anyway, back to that urban model. all this waste water full of n and p and contaminants goes through basic treatment, right? and then most of it ends up in the river. But we have technology now that can pull the N and P out during treatment and turn it back into commercial fertilizer, which effectively reuses it without letting it run downstream, and raises money for the community when it's sold. And we can take the poopy solid waste and turn it into fuel that powers the entire water plant, plus electricity for homes nearby. A few communities can afford these innovations, but most cannot. By capturing those nutrients, it prevents us from needing to import phosphorus from the middle east and other areas (which we need to do, to maintain current farm yields-- and by the way, it's going to run out in the coming years, and yet we're literally letting it flush down the drain...); it also prevents almost all of our n and p ending up on the sea floor in the gulf of mexico, having been discharged and ending up in the Mississippi River. The energy component would reduce how much electricity is required to clean and produce drinking water, which consumes a little over 2% of all electricity produced in the US.

There are so many challenges and opportunities associated with this way of doing things, with obtaining and managing water. One of the big three. Food, water, shelter. It was a beautiful system 100 yrs ago, but now we understand what needs work...and it's gonna cost money we don't have. Meanwhile, those with the least are being affected the most, as I think is typical. It's not all that surprising that EPA spends most of its time helping folks in trump country have safe drinking water and paying for their sewage treatment, and trump is looking to eliminate those funds.

So it's really important to think about what water touches and it's nexus with our daily lives. What am I sending down the drain? How did my food and my clothes and my purchases ruin or improve the water that other people - or God forbid, other creatures -- depend upon? If my city council or utility commission is considering raising the water rates...is it for a good reason? Probably. How can I help get clean and safe water to those who don't have it? Maybe water isn't  the loudest of issues right now, but take it from me, water problems are Americas best kept secret. Most scholars call it "Americas largest looming crisis" ...and there's a reason mark twain said "whisky is for drinkin and water's for fighting about."

Which brings me to ways we can help solve these issues! Beer is a great start.

***   

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye