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perditaalottachocolate-blog · 6 years ago

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Felinotherapy

Summary: A new member of the Agreste household takes her job very seriously; she’s here to fix things and she won’t stop until she does. She’s going to better Adrien’s mood, take care of Gabriel’s solitude and Hawkmoth’s shoelaces. She’ll even acquire a nap buddy. And, she’ll do it all with feline style! Did I mention that she’s a cat?

A sequel to “New Kitty On The Block"

A birthday gift for Remasa. Be careful what you dream of.

A sincere and gigantic thank you to @kellarhi, who beta-read this story for me.

Read it on AO3 / fanfiction.net

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"AAAAAAdrieeeeen!"

An angry wail broke the silence of the mansion, booming with a powerful echo over the cavernous rooms and halls. Oh, paws. For human that was normally so quiet, this person could be loud when he wanted. And easily annoyed, surprisingly.

She would have raced out of the room if it wasn’t for the fact that she was currently dangling high in the air. The tall man that people called "Sir" or "Gabriel" or "Father" (why did humans need so many names anyway?) had just grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and now held her as if she was the most disgusting animal he’d ever seen.

"AAAAAAdrieeeeeeen! Take this mangy creature away from me!"

He wouldn’t stop yelling until the blond head of the smaller human appeared at the door.

"Sorry, father," the boy said sheepishly. "What has my Lady done this time?"

The adult sighed and rolled his eyes. "I can’t believe you call her that now."

"She’s mine and she’s a Lady after all," Adrien chuckled, taking her into his arms. He ran his fingers over her multi-colored black and reddish fur.

She slowly blinked at him, squinting her lime green eyes. The cheese aroma she had come to associate with the boy surrounded her, and she started purring her lungs out. He scratched her neck absentmindedly, revealing an elegant collar with a glittery name fixed in curvy letters.

Lady Noir, it read.

“Who’s the pretty kitty?" Adrien cooed with a smile.

She tilted her head into his palm for more pets and enthusiastically kneaded his forearm.

Gabriel pointed to the leather chair. Scratches marked its backrest in two parallel lines. In hindsight, not her smartest move, but she had been practising leaps and her aim still lacked precision.

"I thought I told you to trim her claws," the man scowled accusingly.

Adrien rubbed his chin over Lady Noir’s head, right where the entirely dark left half met the reddish right half creating an illusion of a red and black mask that was split in the middle— the pattern that, according to the boy, had earned her the name.

"It must have slipped my mind," he said.

Her ears twitched at a new sound. Was she the only one who could hear the snickers coming from Adrien’s shirt?

xxx

Lady Noir hadn’t been used to luxury prior to being adopted. The Agreste mansion was definitely a place where a cat could spread her wings. Metaphorically of course. Cats do not have wings, although… among the inhabitants of the house, there was one that could fly regardless.

She wasn’t certain if Plagg really should be referred to as a cat, but he was the closest thing to the idea of a cat: the master of lazing about, with a knack for causing trouble; curious, gluttonous, cheeky and mischievous. In short, he was her idol, and guide to all things feline. Just like her, he had his own ways, but inside he was just a big softie with a heart of gold—or possibly cheese, as he basically inhaled the stuff in enormous quantities. Lady Noir tried his camembert thing once. The experience could be summed up in a single word: Yuck! Plagg was outraged when she took several baths to get rid of the foul smell afterwards.

Although Plagg’s interests seemed to be limited to dairy products, he never failed to remind Adrien to restock on her treats when asking for more camembert for himself. She could go through her stash of snacks almost as quickly as Plagg went through a block of cheddar. It wasn’t hard to do, considering she stayed in the boy’s room most of the time.

Lady Noir prided herself on being a very observant cat, and recognized immediately that Adrien needed her company the most. Besides, she knew she’d been brought into the house explicitly to become his cat. Which, in Feline, meant that the blond boy belonged to her now so she supposed it was her duty to meet his needs the way he’d been meeting hers.

He didn’t need much. Just a little bit of distraction when he was tiredly bending over his textbooks, or a kneading session when he was exhausted after one practise or another. Some nuzzles and nibbles to wake him up. Lady Noir also made sure to keep him company at night. Together with Plagg, they made sure no nightmare could reach him—purring was the key to their success.

She was the model of contentment, and only got miffed when they left her and went outside through the window. Adrien seemed to really enjoy those outings, when he put on a black suit that made him look a bit like a cat. Lady Noir loved to play with the long tail or swat at the golden bell, but those were rare occasions. Usually Plagg vanished somewhere when the boy changed into his black cat-like gear. He always left in a rush only to come back much later, tired but happy, and smelling like luck for some reason. The flying cat then appeared again as if nothing happened and demanded his cheese.

Lady Noir would gladly go out with them, were she invited. Unfortunately, there was little entertainment to be found in the huge empty house when Adrien left for school or his cat job. Boredom eventually drove her to explore it once she was done with the boy’s room.

xxx

It would have been nice to have company when Adrien was out, but Plagg always went where her boy did. His father became the next obvious choice, as the only other permanent resident. Unlike the boy, he didn’t smell of cheese, but of butterflies and passion fruit, which intrigued her to no end, as he never left the house and was rarely seen out of his room.

They hadn’t started their acquaintance on friendly terms, which admittedly was partly her fault. She decided to make amends in a typically feline way—by bringing him offerings. And what better gift could a cat bring to a person who smelled of butterflies? The house was full of them if one knew where to look. And she was a very clever kitty. No butterfly could hide away from her for long. She caught them expertly and brought them to Gabriel’s desk whenever she could. He must have liked them, because they disappeared very quickly.

xxx

And then one day when she came to his room with fresh prey in her mouth, there was a new smell around. It was damp, cold and heavy—metallic, with a hint of algae, old stone, and moss. A little bit of sniffing allowed her to find the hidden door and after some paw work she was able to push it enough for a slim cat to slip inside a dark corridor.

Maybe she’d find some mice or rats in here? It was ages since she got any decent prey and maybe Gabriel would prefer a fresh, fat rat over those flimsy butterflies? She knew she would.

But she found no rats as she explored, just another huge chamber, with faint light seeping through a ceiling window on the other end. It shone over a strange tall tube. Lady Noir knew tubes. There were plenty of them in the house in various sizes and they made for very nice scratching posts. Much better than those generic things from the pet shop. No self respecting cat would scratch those when they had a perfectly good tube, chair, or drape right under their noses.

Lady Noir arched her back, wiggled her tail and reached for her newest scratching post. There was a metallic clank and the tube hummed softly. Then the upper part of it rose up revealing its contents.

She sniffed once, twice. The air smelled a bit like Adrien, minus the cheese overtones. She looked around and hopped onto the tube. There was a woman, tall and blonde, asleep inside. What a novel idea! This was the perfect place for a nap, sun beam and all. It looked like Lady Noir finally had found a nap buddy for her long days!

Up close she could tell there was something off with the woman’s scent. Something she couldn’t quite put her claw on that felt like weakness or illness. But Lady Noir wasn’t afraid; she prided herself on being an excellent feline doctor. After all, whenever Adrien was sick she stayed with him, drawing the bad vibes away.

Happy with her newly discovered friend, she curled up on the woman’s belly and dozed off.

xxx

Plagg wasn’t happy when he saw Lady Noir after her first basement nap. He hissed at her and grumbled something about dark magic. Admittedly she did feel rather strange, but she blamed it on the salmon pâte that must have been a bit on a stale side. However, the flying cat would have none of that. He dragged her into the upper level of Adrien’s room and licked her clean—she was definitely feeling out of it if he was allowed to do that.

She did feel better afterwards, right up to the point when it turned out Plagg was no gentleman at all. He coughed a hairball right in front of her, the weirdest hairball she’d ever seen. Part of it consisted of her own hair and Plagg’s saliva, but there were also purple strings present: streaks of something Plagg called “bad energy" tangled with the rest of the hairball. He said it had ‘no place in our home’, so he put his paw to it and whispered something under his breath. The thing turned to ash with a quiet buzz. The room seemed brighter after that.

Lady Noir thought that would be the end of it, but the sprite proceeded to talk her ears off about “bad energy", forbidding her to go near its source again. So of course the first thing she did when Adrien and Plagg left for school the next day was go back to her nap buddy.

Every time the flying cat returned home to find her “feeling off", he would holler, lick and cleanse her fur, and then turn the “bad energy" into ash.

“I swear, Spots," he grumbled, stuffing himself with camembert to get rid of the bad taste, “I don’t know what you do to get all tangled in that mess."

She could only shrug to his complaints. After all, the napping lady was her secret and one did not betray their buddies.

xxx

Lady Noir kept going back to the basement, but since the only entrance led through Gabriel’s room, she had to sneak her way around him. Sometimes he would visit the sleeping woman, although most times he sat at his desk and worked, casting longing looks to the enormous painting that covered the whole wall from floor to ceiling. Lady Noir knew very little about art, but she thought the person in that painting looked a bit like what her nap buddy would have looked like, if she was younger and awake.

It usually took hours for Lady Noir to get an opportunity to sneak to the underground level of the mansion, so inevitably she started to keep the man company as well. He turned out to be as sad and lonely as his son, but he seemed more desperate and anxious than the boy. There was always an aura of deep grief and heartache around him. No self respecting cat would allow it. That’s how Lady Noir decided to include Gabriel in her daily routine. Between the sleeping lady and Adrien she still had plenty of time, which she could put to good use, if only the man would allow it.

Since the butterfly strategy hadn’t worked, she had to come up with a new plan to get his attention. Laying on his tablet seemed to annoy him. Stretching on his sketches irked him. Pushing his pencils off the desk usually got a growl out of him.

A few times he grumbled under his breath, but Adrien wasn’t home to take her away. So after a while, the man accepted her presence; however, he moved her away from his things, which allowed for her to lounge on the unoccupied part of his desk.

One day she must have dozed off, because when she woke up he was nowhere to be seen. Yet, as his scent lingered in the air, he couldn’t have actually left. Her nose led her to the painting and then to a spot on the floor. She thumped it with her paw and was rewarded with a deep echo as if the space below was empty. Another hidden passage?

She sat beside it and meowed experimentally.

There was a hollow clank, then part of the floor moved and revealed a smooth silver head with eyes hidden behind a mask. The man who appeared in the passage smelled like Gabriel but he didn’t look like him. He was wearing a single-color suit—not Gabriel’s usual clothes. He cast her an exasperated look and sighed deeply.

“Stop it," he said and returned to the tunnel.

Of course she didn’t stop. As soon as the trap door closed behind him, she let out a wail of sorrow only a cat is capable of.

“I’m serious. Cut it out!" Gabriel’s voice, albeit muffled, replied from under the floor.

“Meeeeooooooowrrrr," she lamented.

“Oh, for the love of—"

The silver head emerged from the passage again. Cold blue eyes pierced her. The man’s lips, the only thing visible from under his silver mask, were pressed into a thin line.

“Meow?" She mewled tilting her head. Her tail curled attentively into a question mark.

“Fine," he rolled his eyes. “But you had better behave."

A dark glove caught her scruff, and the next thing she knew she was sliding through a tunnel in the man’s arms.

There was a large chamber on the other end, similar to what she had found in the basement, but this place must have been somewhere high up, judging by the plethora of light from the round window. And there were butterflies. Every flat surface was covered in them. She had never seen so many before.

She wondered if she could catch a few for Gabriel, but the man raised a warning finger.

“Don’t even think about it," he said, depositing her on the ground.

He tapped his foot and the butterflies took flight. She halfheartedly swatted at them, but where was the challenge when there were so many? She lost interest in an instant and decided to explore the chamber, leaving the silver-headed man to his own devices.

He called her when he returned to the trap door; it was then that she discovered Plagg wasn’t the only flying creature in the house. The man murmured something under his breath and suddenly he was no longer wearing a silver mask or a strange suit. Gabriel stood in his place and a violet sprite hovered next to him.

“Nooroo," the man said, “This is Lady Noir, Adrien’s cat."

xxx

Nooroo was a good friend. He was appointed with the task of keeping her busy when Gabriel needed to focus on his work. She chased after the sprite, eliciting quiet chuckles from Adrien’s father, when he thought they couldn’t hear him. They played their own version of hide and seek, with the cat tracking the violet creature’s hideouts all over the room. He drew her away from Gabriel’s sketches and his tablet. In reward, he usually got a generous helping of passion fruit that the man kept hidden in his desk. After some time, she discovered that one of the drawers got filled with her favorite snacks so that, after a wild run over the room, she could feast alongside Nooroo. A few times she caught Gabriel gazing at them, while a shadow of a smile danced on his lips.

He kept disappearing into the tunnel, though. At first Lady Noir sat next to the trap door and meowed incessantly, but he rarely returned for her. Once, she spied that, before entering the passage, he pressed parts of the enormous painting. Oh! Well, cats could also press things when they felt like it. After a few days of practice and careful aiming, she managed to figure out how to leap from the desk to land on the canvas in a way that would allow her to open the trap door.

She proudly strutted into his secret room. Emboldened by her trick, she viciously attacked his shoelaces to draw his attention away from the window and to cut off his monologuing.

To say that Gabriel was surprised when she showed up in his chamber wouldn’t say half of it. He yelped, and jumped half a meter in the air. Lady Noir was sure that if he had a tail, or any hair on that smooth silver head, it would have bristled like an angry hedgehog.

The second time she followed him, she decided on a less threatening approach and just rubbed her head into his calves. Her purr of contentment echoed in the cavernous space, amplified by the dome.

After the third time she managed to sneak into the chamber Gabriel gave up and just took her with him, allowing her to lounge in the sun beam from the window, while he did whatever he came to do there. As far as she could tell it mostly consisted of talking, grumbling, hissing, gritting his teeth and stomping angrily. Sometimes waving a fist was involved. One name stuck in her memory, mostly because he mentioned it a lot.

Ladybug.

xxx

Funny thing, Adrien sometimes had a guest who used the window. A guest who smelled like luck—the faint scent the boy sometimes brought with him when he returned from his cat escapades. A guest whose name was Ladybug.

What was even funnier was the fact that the girl visited him other times, under a different name, in a more regular outfit and used the door. Although she still smelled like luck, in this form she was referred to as Marinette, while another flying creature, a red bug, hid in her purse.

Lady Noir was a young cat and she hadn’t had much experience before she got to the mansion, but it seemed that every human she met was accompanied by a flying friend. She wondered why humans needed them?

It took a while before she discovered that Adrien had no idea that Marinette and Ladybug were the same person. She couldn’t believe it! She knew human senses were weaker than cats’, but the boy would have to be basically noseless not to recognize that scent. She tried everything a cat could think of to show him the error of his ways. She allowed the girl to pet her, hoping Adrien would recognize how familiar Maribug was with his cat and how she always stroked her in the exact same way. She brought the girl a figurine of Adrien in his cat form, wishing he’d understand that the scent he wore came from the girl. A few times, in an act of desperation, she even tried to drag Plagg out of his hiding spot under the sofa; but the sprite refused to show up, even though Marinette had her own bug who could have been Plagg’s sister.

Afterwards she received another one of Plagg’s lectures, but instead of scolding her for the upteenth time about getting the “bad energy" all over herself again, he ranted about how his existence must be kept secret from other humans. She really didn’t see the point, if every other person seemed to have a—what did he call himself? A kwamice.

xxx

Ladybug in both of her forms seemed to be very fond of Adrien, which didn’t escape Lady Noir’s attention. It soon dawned on the cat that the boy’s feelings for the girl were also stronger than those for a “friend”, as he sometimes called Marinette. She made him happy, and it didn’t even take Lady Noir’s genius to see that. The cat figured a girlfriend—a romantic partner—was exactly what Adrien needed. She doubled her efforts at enlightening him about there being only one person who smelled of luck. Plagg only rolled his eyes at her antics.

“You might as well give up now, Spots," he told her. “I’ve been dropping hints much longer than you, and the kid isn’t really that dense. It’s just the magic of the Miraculous. It won’t allow for him to see that they are the same person unless she shows him herself."

Lady Noir refused to give up. In a typically stubborn feline fashion, she decided she would let Adrien know even if it was the last thing she would do. Painstakingly, she tracked down each and every item in Adrien’s possession that bore the girl’s scent. They were hidden all over his room. Carefully, she moved them to the little red figurine that looked like Ladybug— for good measure, she threw in some pictures Adrien had stacked in one of his trophies. She kept telling herself her plan had to work. After all it was consistent with what Plagg had said—“she” had to show him herself, and the various items he’d collected from her would show who she was. But, Lady Noir reasoned, no one said anything about what would be shown and by whom.

Finally the day came when her display was ready. The bracelet Adrien usually kept on himself was her last loot. The pink piece of paper he had hidden in his desk, the notes he sometimes browsed through, the blue scarf he liked so much—everything she could find was already there.

Satisfied with her work, she dragged Adrien to her collection, rubbing her head against his calves.

“Really, Spots?" Plagg chuckled from his bin. “You needn't bother."

“Meow," she headbutted the Ladybug figurine. “Mrow," she grabbed the cat boy doll and move it closer. “Purrrr," she took the bracelet in her teeth and laid it on top. Then she sniffed the papers and the scarf ostensibly.

Adrien gazed politely at her theatrics. He reached for the scarf. She sniffed again. Plagg cackled in the distance.

Sniff. Adrien took a deep breath smelling the scarf. Sniff-sniff, he sniffed the notes. Lady Noir put her nose to the cat boy figurine again.

“That scent…’ Adrien murmured. He closed his eyes, taking each and every item and reverently putting it to his nose. “That scent…" he echoed. The bracelet fell out of his hand. “She’s… that’s… it can’t be, can it?" he mumbled. “Plagg?"

The sprite flew out if his bin and looked over the scattered items and to Adrien. The boy’s eyes were blown wide, his lips opened as he stared at the Ladybug figurine.

“No way," the flying cat drawled. “You have got to be kidding me."

xxx

After her success, Lady Noir could devote more time to Gabriel’s wellbeing. She decided to spend the day on his desk. She didn’t even notice when a finger started rubbing at the perfect spot between her ears. She cracked one lime green eye open. Adrien’s father was sketching, deep in thought, while absentmindedly scratching her head. His hand slipped under her chin and then moved to the side of her muzzle and to her back.

Lady Noir purred, nuzzling into his palm. She put her paw over his wrist and clawed gently. Then she dared to nibble on his thumb.

Surprised, Gabriel whipped his head to her, his hand frozen mid-scratch. He stared at her as if seeing her for the first time. She slowly let go of his hand, but he just smiled. Emboldened she rose from the desk and strutted to him.

“Who’s the pretty kitty?" he cooed lowering his head.

She headbutted him without thinking twice.

“You are," he hummed, as she proceeded to rub her whiskered cheek against his chin. “You’re the prettiest kitty!"

Slowly, he reached for her and scooped her into his arms. His fingers slid into her fur, scratching and tending. The man’s jacket was quickly covered in a thick layer of additional hair, but he didn’t seem to mind, engrossed in the caress.

Nooroo’s head popped from behind Gabriel’s shoulder and he winked at her.

“The prettiest, softest kitty," the man babbled. And for the first time his smile reached his eyes.

xxx

The next day she found a toy mouse on Gabriel’s desk in the spot she had claimed as her own. She also smelled a new brand of snacks somewhere near.

Later, Adrien’s father didn’t go into his butterfly chamber, choosing to take Lady Noir to the sleeping woman instead. He held the cat the whole time, his fingers buried deep in her fur, as he gazed at the glass tube, commenting on how the woman’s skin seemed to have regained some color. Nooroo pursed his lips and cast an anxious look to the woman as if considering something. When they returned to Gabriel’s room, the sprite made sure the door to the passage stayed opened enough for an industrious paw to fit into the crack, making Lady Noir’s visit to her nap buddy much easier.

That day Plagg wasn’t happy. Nor on the days after that. Not even when she brought him the toy mouse.

xxx

Lady Noir quickly got used to Gabriel petting her while he was working. It was now easier to sneak out for a basement nap as the man took on a habit of having lunch with Adrien when he returned home during the day—sometimes in Marinette’s company. Usually Nooroo came with a heads up when the meal was nearing its end, so that she could leave the sleeping lady and return to her spot on the desk. Gabriel couldn’t design without her, claiming she was his new inspiration. And he definitely was on a designing spree these past few days. According to Nooroo this was the first such successful spree since the sprite arrived at the mansion. However, that day Nooroo didn’t come.

Lady Noir woke up to a finger rubbing behind her ear and another gently stroking her back. The touch wasn’t familiar.

“Who’s the pretty kitty?" A feminine voice whispered, hoarse and scratchy, as if it hadn’t been used in a while.

Intrigued, Lady Noir risked a peek at the person petting her. Bright, green eyes looked back at her with kindness and confusion. Eyes so similar to the ones she saw in the painting in Gabriel’s room, so similar to Adrien’s eyes. The sleeping lady had woken up after all those long days and delightful naps! Lady Noir purred in contentment. Another pair of hands to pet her was good news.

Her nap buddy hummed, letting her fingers wander over the cat’s back. “Mmmmm, this is so nice."

Lady Noir couldn’t agree more. All that was missing now was—

A thud sounded in the spacious chamber. Gabriel stood at the entrance, the bouquet he brought scattered on the floor.

“Emilie?" He rasped. “You’re… you… how do you feel?" In just three steps he was at the woman’s side. To Lady Noir’s indignation he took away one of the hands caressing the cat’s back and pressed it to his lips; a single tear rolled down his cheek.

“Well rested," Emilie sighed, her lips stretched in a soft smile. She sniffed experimentally. “And surprisingly not allergic to cats anymore."

Lady Noir’s ears twitched. Nooroo giggled somewhere nearby. Upstairs, a door opened and closed. She heard the faint echo of Adrien and Marinette’s steps as they ran to his room, laughing. Gabriel still held Emilie’s hand, but his breathing sounded shaky. The cat yawned looking between two humans, who stared at each other as if this was their first meeting in a long time. She stood up and squeezed herself between them just in case they’d forgotten she was there as well. A tail in Gabriel’s face and a gentle rub of her head to Emilie’s chin should do the trick.

“Meowr,” she chirped.

Gabriel chuckled, even though his voice seemed tight. “Who’s the clever kitty?” he cooed scratching behind her ear.

Lady Noir sat attentively, her tail lashing behind her. She definitely was the cleverest kitty. She purred, pleased with herself and the fact that her nap buddy would now be able to pet her as well. Something told her that she would not be the only one getting the much needed attention and affection from Emilie. Just one look to the woman’s smiling face and Gabriel was already putty in her hands.

There was love here, and where there was love, there was happiness. She could feel it in Gabriel’s heartbeat, she could see it in Emilie’s blush. The aura of grief and melancholy was slowly melting away, replaced with tentative hope and the promise of a happier tomorrow. Things were definitely going to be better around here, and that was perfectly fine with her.

The End

(Please check out the amazing art by @sinfulpapillon to go with this fic)

#gabriel agreste #adrien agreste #emilie agreste #marinette dupain cheng #adrinette #gabrielie #plagg #nooroo #ladybug #chat noir #lady noir #felinotherapy #perdita writes #a birthday gift for #remasa #miraculous ladybug

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benjaminjofaiho · 6 years ago

Text

The Captain Next Door Ch. 2

Summary: You’re a doctor who also just so happens to be a fan fiction writer. You love lots of fandoms but Captain America is by far your fave, so what happens when you get a new job, move to Brooklyn and realize that the brownstone you bought is right next door to Captain America? Obviously shenanigans ensue.

Warnings: Swearing. Light Mentions of NSFW material.

AN: Thank you guys for all your reblogs, comments and likes. Your feedback is always welcome and I love hearing from y’all. Ok, I think its suuuuuper worth noting that I do not care for or abide by the timeline, there are some people mentioned that haven't technically been brought together yet [ As per Winter Soldier ] but I did it anyway. Also I get that you guys are here for the cap and y/n but I’m just trying to get everything in place before we get into full swing, there will be more next chapter, scouts honor! P.S. I do not currently have a beta and the ‘f’ and ‘u’ keys on my keyboard are messed up so incase you see repeating letters anywhere they aren’t supposed to be feel free to let me know.

Ouch. Things were coming back to you slowly. You thought you heard the faint sounds of a man. You slowly blinked and saw peeling paint off some crown molding of what greatly resembled your living room. You opened and closed your eyes again repeatedly and could hear soft footsteps. Sitting up gradually, you placed your feet on the floor, leaning your head over the neck of your tarp covered sofa and closed your eyes once more. Thinking of all the work the living room had to go through: painting, furniture reupholstering, electrical and God knows what else, you let out a dramatic groan. You would have to call your dad sooner than expected. Either that or you would have to get a contractor because you’re supposed to be starting work in 2 months and there’s no way that you would be able to finish all this work in that time by yourself. You heard shuffling footsteps and hushed tones say

“Yeah it seems like she’s awake now. I’ll update you. Yes Steve. I'll let you know. Alright. Bye”

You shouted out “Who’s in here?” No response but you could hear the footsteps getting closer. You started to panic, you were about to turn into one of your mother’s lifetime movies. Getting a bit louder this time “Look I don’t know what you want but I don't keep cash in the house! There isn’t much of anything for you to steal either, nothing has arrived yet. ALSO THE BUILDINGS CONDEMMED! THERES ABESTOS EVERYWHERE!”

“Honestly, you are quite funny” you heard a voice coming from the back of your home. You quickly calculated that if you were going to be attacked it would be better to be standing, not splayed out on your couch; that way at least you could put up some sort of a fight. Forgetting completely about your little tumble earlier you hopped to your feet.

“Ahhh!” you felt a shooting pain go through your leg and then your head started to develop a dull ache.

“Please be careful! And don’t be frightened.” You tried to turn slowly and he rushed to your side helping you to sit. You gave him what your mother refers to as a ‘nasty look’ and asked suspiciously

“Who are you?”

“I’m sorry, I’m Sam, I’m your neighbor.” He gave you a gap toothed grin and you couldn’t help but relax a little. He extended his hand.

“Okay Samuel from next door. Welcome to my home,”

He chuckled “Samuel is reserved for my parents and the government. My friends call me Sam.”

“Are you saying we are friends?”

“Well I’d like to think so…..” he trailed off expectantly

“Oh, I’m sorry, my name is Y/N” You finally took his hand you forgot about. “I don’t mean to be rude Samuel,” he rolled his eyes smiling “But what are you doing in my home?”

“Yeah.. About that…My roommate and I were walking home and we tried to help you but you insisted you could do it yourself and we should just roll on. I was steady trying to convince you and I guess either my roommate or I said something that really upset you because you spun around so fast and then you started to fall, luckily my roommate caught you and he brought you inside. Do you remember him?” All of a sudden remembering your AC unit you jumped up and stumbled back down grasping at your leg.

“Careful!”

“Sheesh, yeah. I will be.” Quietly examining your ankle. “Great. A sprained ankle. This is just what I need right now”

“Are you sure that's a sprain? You should probably get that looked at by a professional…”

“I’m pretty sure about this. It’s sprained Samuel”

“I’m pretty sure you should talk to a professional” Sam mumbled under his breath. You let out an exasperated sigh.

“Ugh, fine! Please hand me my phone.” He did as you said and watched you quietly. You scroll through your phone. You land on The Bone Man and you shoot Sam an embarrassed look. Meekly laughing you tell him “It’s not what you think” and he throws his hands up in a no judgement shrug. The facetime trill rings 3 times and is answered on the 4th.

“Hey Boner, quick q: A patient comes into the ER after falling off a ladder, presents with minor transient headache, pain in the left foot, presence of swelling, tenderness of the calcaneofibular ligaments, and no bony point pain. Talar Tilt test was preformed and failed. Am I correct to assume a grade 2 sprain?”

“Y/N I don’t even know why you call me for this type of stuff. You’re always right about everything forever and ever until the end of time. Anyway yeah, if you have to hear it from the horse’s mouth, yes, you’re right. 2 Week recovery time, minimum.”

“ Okthanksbaiiii” You said zooming into your smiling face before hanging up. “Humph” you folded your arms and smiled triumphantly at Sam.

“See Samuel, it would be great if you could internalize the wise words from Boner there. ‘I am always right about everything forever and ever until the end of time’ And that's science friend.”

Sam let out a cackle “ Okay crazy, who are you?”

“Dr. Y/FN Y/LN, head of Cardiology at Mount Sinai”

He put his hand up feigning surprise “Oh excuseeeeee me! So you’re the professional that you should see?”

You laughed “ Not exactly, I’m a heart doctor but I do have basic knowledge of the other systems. That's where ‘the Bone Man’ comes in. He’s an orthopedic doctor, he works with bones.”

“Ahh, I see” he says pausing for a while. “So what’s going on here?” He gestured around your home. “ I wasn’t a exactly snooping but I did happen to see most of the first floor. I kind of walk around a bit when I’m on a phone call. There’s tarps everywhere. ”

You covered your face embarrassed. You explained to him how your father convinced you to buy a fixer upper, your relocation from your home state, your recent AC chronicles and how it led you to this moment.

“Speaking of that unit that has caused me nothing but trouble, I’m sure has been stolen by now. I need to order some more. I just wish that I could sleep in the cold! God! This place is hotter than the devil’s asshole.”

“Oh your AC is working and up in your bedroom, although I’m not sure you’ll be able to climb up all these stairs in that condition.”

“Well at least I'll be good as new in 2 days-”

“2 days?! No ma’am Dr.Boner said two weeks!”

“Oh..you heard that did you?” You smiled weakly. “I’m supposed to resume work in about 2 months and this really puts a damper on everything. I was hoping to make some real headway with my house before then. At least get out of this tarp festival and make it a bit into a home.” You sighed looking around.

“Well today is your lucky day Y/N! I’m on a month vacation at LEAST. I work with my roommate and he’s going to be out of town for at least 1 month for some” he paused briefly “out of office business. I can help you fix up your house and I’m sure Steve won’t mind you borrowing his AC while he isn’t here.”

“I could not impose like that Samuel! First off I just met you, secondly You and Steven have done enough by just carrying me and my Air conditioner into this house. I have to decline but I’d love to take you both out for lunch sometime.”

“It really isn’t imposing. I’m a little bit of a tinkerer, I love being handy. Anyway, if you do decide to change your mind, you know where to find me.” He got up to leave and then quickly spun around “But I am going to bring you Steve’s AC and there’s nothing you can do about it” and with that he sprinted out the front door. About 15 minutes later he returned with the ac unit and then ran out the door without a word. He came back this time in about 10 and sprinted up your stairs and you could hear the faint sounds of rummaging. He came back down with the sheets off your bed.

“ Samuel! What is happening right now?”

Trying to catch his breath, explain, and work all at one time he began. “Alright so before you took a tumble we could all see you were really eager to get that AC into your house and so that problem is solved. Now, you can’t get up and down the stairs with ease so here: an air matrass. We have a couple around our house not being used at the moment.” Seeing your eyebrow slightly arch, he rushed to finish “It’s not like we are doing anything weird with them! We just have lots of company meetings take place in our house and sometimes our planning sessions go late into the night and the team just decides to fall asleep where they are, hence the mattresses. I’ll set up the AC and be out of your hair Dr. Y/LN”

“Oh Samuel, Dr. Y/LN is so formal. Dr. Y/FN is fine” You laughed. He joined in.

“ I know you were joking about that, but Doc is it. That’s what I’m calling you”

“So you keep mentioning your roommate Steven, and both of you work together and he’s out of town on business right now. What do you gentlemen do?” All of a sudden very focused on the AC he was installing. He started inspecting the unit closely.

“We ugh…We are in security. We have lots of clients, sometimes that takes us internationally so. Yeah really average joe stuff.

“But you guys have sleep overs?” You lightly chuckle

“Yeah well Steve and I met at the VA hospital, we are both ex military men so usually the next natural progression is security. And since it started with him, he was the *first* so to speak so we naturally gather around him. That's his late parents old building so he kind of grew up in that place. It’s kind of just the default hang out spot.”

“I totally get that. My parent’s house was somewhat the same” you say trailing off.

“Alrighty Doc, This is all set to go for you. I’m gonna get out your hair now” Sam said slightly in a rush to get out.

“Samuel, wait!” You call after him and he breaths out slowly and turns around and smiles openly. “Why are you helping me? You don't know me at all. Are you some type of angel or something?”

He laughed looking down at the floor and then back up at you. “Angel? No way Doc, as my roommate says all the time ‘I’m just a kid from Brooklyn’. Plus knowing him he would have done all this himself if he were here. He told me to make sure you were alright while he had to get away.”

“Hey! Captain America says that all the time! I bet all you Brooklynites say that now. It must be nice to have an avenger from around here, hey! Have you ever seen him?!”

Sam’s smile faltered, “Sorry, seen whom?”

“Captain America!” You exclaimed your eyes bright and shining like a child on Christmas.

“Oh no I haven’t. I don't know anyone who has actually” Just then his phone began to ring and he told you in a rush “Sorry it’s a 911 from my job, I’ll see you around Doc!”

“Thanks for all your help Samuel!” You called after him as he ran out of the house.

The cold air was blowing on you and you were feeling relaxed and thinking about what Sam had said, ‘I’m just a kid from Brooklyn’. Oh shit! You had to check your fan fiction. You looked at the time on your phone, Damnit! You were supposed to be chatting with your graphic designer Rod right now. You hobbled over to your dining table and took out your laptop. Getting online and expecting Rod to be online you logged into tumblr to find a message from him and him absent.

MSG from Rod: Hey Dr.C, Sorry I can’t draw any illustrations for BP, Aquaman or anyone really right now. Work has been crazy, I’ll make It up to you, promise!

MSG from Y/N: Hiya Rod. I totally understand, take your time! Hope things lighten up for you soon, looking forward to hearing from you whenever you can. Take care x

The way you met Rod was a little different. You were looking through the Black panther tags as usual, and there was someone who drew super realistic AU versions of the T’Challa, Thor, Black Widow and even stuff from some comic called Aquaman and other heroes you’ve never heard of. Anyway, you scoured his page looking for anything on Captain America but to your dismay he didn’t draw anything of him. You were very happy with his black panther stuff though, you saw some pics that inspired a couple new fic ideas. You reblogged his pictures for about a month and one day you posted a new story inspired by a beautiful creation of his where T’Challa looked like he was in college. He somehow saw it and contacted you and you both briefly talked about the inspiration behind his art. He talked about how he felt as if he could imagine a different side of our heroes and he wanted to draw that. About 2 weeks later he sent you a picture of one of your previous fics about Thor. The rest was history. He would occasionally draw cover art for your fics and you in turn would give him new and crazy angles to think of the avengers. You even got into some of the comics he recommended for you and gave him new angles to think of Aquaman. Eventually you caved and asked him specifically if he could make something about Captain America and he said he just isn’t inspired by the Cap at all and he also felt the others were underrepresented and he wanted to focus his energy there. As a fellow creative you got it. If he wasn’t inspired he just wasn’t and you wouldn't force him to focus on a subject that he wasn't interested in. You wouldn’t bring it up again and you figured if he ever felt inspired you’d be one of the first to see the pieces.

That night you were able to bang out 3 chapters and sent them to your beta, Jay. Alright, time to make a plan. You decided due to your recent development with your bum leg, you would divide your house into floors and literally work your way from the ground up. You would begin with electrical and seeing as how you didn’t know anything about that and you turned to the master of everything: YouTube. Well, at least you tried to. Youstartedoff with watching videos about how to wire up a house but then you got sidetracked with reality videos and then before you knew it, you were in some foreign corner of the website, watching a video on how to become a sumo wrestler in japan. You looked up and saw that the position of the sun was a little lower than before. Looking up at the corner of your screen you saw the time was 3:30. You let out a yip and closed your laptop like some preteen getting caught looking at something they weren’t supposed to. You gave it up and opened back up your laptop and decided to look up an electrician. Another 30 minutes passed and none of the electricians you found that were available to come within the next 1 month were up to your standards. You finally decided to call up your father for help. To your greatest dismay the whole family was sick. You pressured and even threated him to try to get him to go to the hospital and just get a simple checkup but he refused. You tried to convince your mother of the same and between what truly sounded like a very productive cough she told you she was in tip top shape. Handing the phone back to your dad he asked what was the matter and you were silent for a complete minute. Your house issue was starting to become something of a headache and not the fun little project he painted it out to be. On the other and more important hand you didn’t want to complain. You knew your dad would try to fly sick just to come and help his baby girl. You tried to lie and say it was nothing but he eventually coaxed the truth out of you. You explained about your ankle and needing an electrician. He was overjoyed.

“Ha!” he exclaimed, “I knew my serving this…country would start to benefit me at one point or another. Just a second honey.” You heard shuffling on the other end of the line.

“There it is! Here is Sargent Wilson’s number! I’ll ring him up and give you a call in a few minutes sweetheart.” And with that, he was gone.

While waiting you decided to limp over to your dining room which was covered in boxes. Might as well do something with your time you decide to paint your nails. If you’re going to be open toeing it for a minimum two weeks you might as well try your best try not to look like a cavewoman. You were in the middle of giving yourself a top coat and your phone started ringing. Fanning your feet you answered.

“Hi dad”

“Y/N I don’t know how to work this thing. I took a picture of the paper, like you taught me but then to send it to you has become a problem. I’ve accidentally restarted my phone 3 times and deleted my entire contact list. I can’t do it sweetie.”

“Dad that’s no problem, I appreciate you trying though. Maybe I’ll just start with something else first-” cutting you off he proclaimed

“Just because I can’t do it doesn’t mean that someone can’t do it! Ben- Benjamin! Benjamin! Come in here for a second”

“Daddy it’s fine! Dad! Don’t worry about it, it’s fine!” It took you a couple of seconds to realize he had already stepped away from the phone and soon you received a message from your brother.

TXT from Benjamin: Hey Ugly, dad said I should send you this number 555-3604. You’re the one that wanted to get them iPhones. Now you've moved away and I’m stuck being their geek squad. Thanks for nothing!

You chuckled and sent him a kissy emoji. You heard your father’s voice coming back towards the phone

“…yeah well you would think wiping your ass was more important than sending a textual message but your mother and I taught you how to do that without as much mouth as you’re giving me right now!” You covered your mouth to stop you from laughing too loud and disturbing the whole neighborhood. “ Hi honey, did you get the message?”

“Yes I did Dad, thanks so much, I really appreciate it”

“Anything for you baby girl. By the way I’ve already called the Sargent and even though he won’t be able to come help you out due to prior engagements he did mention that his son is free and would be happy to help you out and the payment is already taken care of, a little gift from your mother and I.”

“Aw thanks dad! Tell mom I said thank you as well. I love you, let me let y’all get some rest”

“Goodnight sweetie!” You heard your mother shout from the background before it was echoed by your dad and then you ended the call. Checking the time you saw it was 4:30. Deciding it was better to text him now and secure the earliest possible date you sent him a message right away.

MSG from Y/N: Good day Mr. Wilson. My name is Y/FN Y/LN, my father and yours are old army buddies. He said I could contact you about any electrical work I needed done in my new house. I wanted to find out your soonest available opening. I have quite a bit of work that needs to be done so I would like to get started at your earliest possible convenience.

You navigated your phone to the music playlist and then started to play Theme from New York New York by Frank Sinatra. You slowly made your way to your window and by now the children had returned from school and the school was filled with people. Children playing in the street, people walking their dogs and teens on their various stoops. You smiled at the current state of your life and felt content, even with a busted foot. Suddenly your music was interrupted. With a dinging of your phone to signify a text message and then your music continued. You walked back to your couch to see who it was.

TXT from Mr. Wilson: Good afternoon Ms. Y/LN, I am available for a meeting tomorrow morning at 10:00 so we can do a walk through and discuss our plans. Does this time work for you?

TXT from Y/N: 10 is perfect!

TXT from Mr. Wilson: Great. What is your address?

TXT from Y/N: 805 Sudbury Lane.

TXT from Mr. Wilson: See you tomorrow at 10:00. 🙂

Smiley Face? That's not very professional, you thought to yourself. You just shrugged thinking to yourself he’s probably some weird hipster guy. You set yourself up on Netflix and closed your curtains settling in for the evening.

The next morning you woke up had a light breakfast and shower and made some iced tea and lemonade for Mr. Wilson’s visit, you were southern after all. At 5 minutes till 10 your doorbell rang. You checked the time and smiled, you liked people who were punctual; as your father always told you: if you’re on time, you’re already late.Looking through the peephole your smile faded and was replaced by confusion, it was Samuel, your neighbor.

“Good morning, Samuel” You smiled at him, “what are you doing here?”

“Morning Doc” He threw his hands up “Just here as a friend. I wanted to check and see how you were doing. So…How was your night?” He tactfully slowly walked towards you forcing you to let him in the house. You arched a perfect eyebrow and laughed and shook your head.

“It was fine, thanks for asking. Nice and chilly.” Glancing at your phone in your hand you saw it was already 9:59. “I would love to hang out with you Samuel but I have someone coming over in literally a minute.” As you were talking Sam put a finger up to stop you from talking while he scrolled through his phone. You watched him, mouth slightly agape. No one ever told you to be quiet. Right before you were able to say anything your phone started ringing and Mr. Wilson appeared on the phone. You then put yourfinger up at him and he laughed a little.

“Hi, good morning Mr. Wilson” As Sam raised his phone to his own ear while you looked on, mortified.

“Hi, good morning Ms. Y/N, now I’m here as your electrician” He wore the biggest shit eating grin. In an instant you were laughing and lightly hit him on the arm.

“Why didn’t you tell me who you were last night when I texted you, weirdo!”

“Well actually, at first I didn’t know it was you because, truthfully, I couldn’t remember your last name, but when you sent your address and it was on my street, I put two and two together.” Remembering the smiley face in the text you just shook your head.

“Alright then Mr. Wilson, let’s get started. Would you like some iced tea and lemonade?”

Looking at you as if you said you had a demon coming out of the side of your neck he repeated “iced tea AND lemonade? Don’t you mean or?”

“No, I meant and. Would you like some?”

“I mean okay sure, I guess” You both silently walked into your kitchen and you poured him a glass. After a couple sips he continued to drink. He kept taking bigger and longer sips and before you knew it, he was completely finished.

“I mean, it was allllright. Nothing to write home about” He tried to say nonchalantly “Mmhmm, sure Samuel, let’s begin.”

“After you” He gestured following you throughout the house.

Over the next 1 hour you both walked through the 1stand 2ndfloors and you explained what exactly you needed from him. You let him go up to the 3rdand 4thfloors alone as your foot started to feel strained. He came back down to the 1stfloor and brought out a list and you created a game plan. All in all the project would take about 1 month.

“Well, I’m good to start today if that’s what you want”

“Of Course! You could have started yesterday to be honest” You laughed.

“Let me get my tools and I’ll get going”

You brought out your laptop and were looking over emails messages and then you came across a new fic with pictures of the cap you’ve never seen before. It took everything in you to not bear the pain of getting all the way up to the 4thfloor to get a better and more intimate look. You went back to doing work and looking at samples for the interior of your house. You knew you had to have a bomb kitchen because you loved to cook and bake. You also needed your office to be set up nice because you would spend most of your time in there between work and writing. All the while Samuel was buzzing around the whole house and after a point you stopped following him around and just decided to work from your living room. Half your screen was split between emails and the other was pictures and gifs of the captain as you called him in your mind.

“Soooo…What’s the deal with him” Sam said from behind you. You looked back at him and he was looking at wires on your wall.

“What? Are you stalking me now?”

“I should be asking you that Doc” he laughed “ Every time I come in here I see him on your screen.” Thinking fast you replied

“I just love the avengers, I think they’re so dedicated and brave. They really did an amazing job of saving the world.”

“That's nice…but I’ve only been seeing one particular avenger…” the sound of laughter on his voice.

“I mean…He’s so brave. And heroic. And valiant. And genuine.” At this point you were more speed rambling and talking to yourself than replying him. “And those eyes. Have you ever seen anything so blue? Was that part of the secret formula? And those arms. He looks like he could rip Florida off the continental united states and to be quite honest he probably should I mean what even is Florida? And that ass? Don’t get me started on that ass. Ugh I want to take a bite-” You suddenly halted like a freight train just crashed and your eyes go wide. Slowly you turned around and give Sam a bashful smile. “He’s just so brave” you finish.

Barely holding back a big belly laugh Sam just nods. “Yeah Captain Blue eyes is sooooo brave.”

“Anywayyyy, tell me more about yourself?”

“Well as I told you I’m ex military. Most of my life is work and if not working with my roommate then im working with my dad at his business. Believe it or not all this fixing stuff up is a hobby for me.”

“That's interesting. So why not do your hobby for your job? Why do you do security with your roommate? Steve, I think you said?”

“Yeah, good memory. When we met we were both in a kind of weird place. We weren’t sleeping much and you know…War kind of just…it does something to you. Anyway we would run together – or should I say I would try to catch up to him, while he ran like lightening and then started going to group therapy together. Eventually we started hanging out outside of exercise and therapy. We were both kind of solitary and I guess the company of someone who knows what you went through and are going through is nice. We have basically been like that since then. He’s seen me through some dark times and tough days. I’m proud to say I’ve done the same for him as well.” He was quiet for a while “As for my dad, like I said I love fixing up stuff. I feel like if I started to officially do it as a job I wouldn’t love it as much anymore.”

“Understandable, completely. And I’m happy you found someone you can share with and that you feel gets you.” You smiled at him. “ Thank you for sharing with me, Sam.”

You heard a loud gasp and turned back to see him with his hands on the side of his face like the kid from home alone. “If I had known all I had to do was share my past trauma with you to get you to call me Sam, I would have done that yesterday!” You laughed shooed him away.

This is how your life continued for the next 2 weeks and by the end of the second week Sam was officially your first friend in the big city. At first, it started by him just being there while you were prepping for dinner one day. You initially asked if he would want to stay for dinner and he said he couldn't impose and would soon be done for the day. About 30 minutes later, the aroma had filled the whole first floor. He stuck his head in and mentioned he was about to take off yet made no move to leave. You looked at him with smiling eyes and made up a plate.

“I know you don't want to impose but let me give you at least a to-go plate”

Although his mouth was saying ‘no, I possibly couldn't’ his hands were completely out stretched and he was in your kitchen faster than a speed devil. From that night onward he always ate dinner with you and you both chatted about everything. You told him how you became a doctor. One night in particular after a wonderful southern meal complete with mashed potatoes, greens, ribs, beans and mac and cheese you were both relaxing on your couch. You were mindlessly scrolling though things to watch and he mentioned that he might need to get his roommate’s AC back sooner than expected, Steve was coming home earlier than expected.

“You’ve been more than generous Sam! You can take it back today if you need to”

“Nah, it’s no biggie Doc. You know what? I’ll probably have him come pick it up himself if he needs it.”

“Are you sure? I should have about 1 week on this leg left. I have been able to make it up to my floor now.”

“Sure thing. If he really wants it he’ll come and get it. By the way I’ve been kind of bragging on your food and taunting him that I’ve been eating home cooked meals and he hasn't… and he has kind of wants to try some of it himself” he rushed out looking sideways at you.

“Of course Sam! I’ll cook for you guys this Friday. What do you think he’ll like?”

“What we just ate was perfect , do you think you could do something like that?”

“Sure” You smiled at him. Within you, you knew you actually missed cooking for lots of people like your family back home. Cooking for 3 was a less than cooking for 7 but you would take whatever you could get. You wished him a good night. And packed him a plate for himself.

Logging in to Tumblr you saw one of your favorite fanfic authors updated one of their stories. The depiction of a smutty scene had you biting your lips and you decided to go upstairs. When you got to your bedroom you laid down and just decided to re-read the latest chapter, before you knew it, your hands were roaming your body and you were starting to feel a heat build up between your legs. You pinched at your dark nipples, enjoying the brief pain and then wash of pleasure. Imagining the captain’s hands in place of yours you stick a finger, and then two into your heat. Pumping in and out you are undone in minutes just thinking of the picture that was painted for you in that story. You sigh looking up at the ceiling in the dark silence of your room.

“Ugh I need to get laid, and soon.” With that, you closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning you were up and decided to head over to the grocery store and pick up all the ingredients that you would need for tomorrows dinner. Even though you were more than happy to cook for Sam and his roommate, you felt the slightest bit anxious. You were proud that Sam talked you and your food up but now you felt as if you had a bit to prove. To prove that Sam was justified in praising you the way that he did.

When you got home you decided to start marinating the ribs so at least they would get a nice season before you ended with grilling tomorrow. Sam stopped by later in the evening to drop off your favorite ice cream and you both chatted on your stoop for a few minutes. After a while you went in and decided to get an early night.

Friday came and you jumped out of bed. You checked your emails as usual and facetimed your family. Explaining you had guests coming over for dinner and you had to get off the phone soon. Then you switched over and checked on your subbies and played around until you realized it was 3 and you had to get cooking. You decided to add fried chicken to the menu because, why not? Was it really a southern meal without that?

At 6:30 you had a shower and decided to do yourself up a little bit. You wanted to make a good impression seeing as how it was your first time meeting the mysterious Steve. Deciding on a cute summer dress, you had your hair in a cute updo and just did a little tiny wing on your eyes and added mascara. You did add a little blush because you loved the way a bit of rouge complemented your dark complexion. Adding lip gloss to your lips you heard the doorbell ring. You went downstairs and opened it.

“ Doc, it smells aamazing in here! And...” He looked you up and down and with a your head down and a smile on your face, you gave him a small twirl “and you look amazing as well. Doesn’t she look amazing Steve?” He moved to the side and saw the man behind him. Your smile immediately vanished and you stopped spinning. You were staring into blue eyes that could make the ocean herself jealous.

“She absolutely does, Sam.” With a smile that could bring anyone to their knees he stretched out his hand for you to shake and he continued, “Hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you.”

You looked down at his hand and then up to his face. You then looked at Sam who had the stupidest smirk on his face and then back down to CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA’S hand. You repeated this loop about three times before getting a hold of your neck which you were certain was bucking like a mechanical bull with a faulty circuit. You let out a shaky breath and tried your best to sound calm.

“Hello Steven,” You managed “I’m Y/N, nice to meet you as well. Welcome to my home.”

______________________________________________________________________

Taglist:

@champagnesugamama

#The Captain Next Door #captain america #Captain America x black reader #Captain America fanfiction #chris evans #Chris Evans x black reader #Chris Evans x reader #chris evans fanfiction #Steve Rogers #Steve Rogers x black reader #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers fanfiction #TCND #black woman fanfiction #black woman fanfic #Captain America fanfic #Chris Evans fanfic #steve rogers fanfic

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yeats-infection · 6 years ago

Note

if you have time & you don't mind, i'd love to read an explanation of graham coxon & damon albarn's relationship like the one you wrote on bradford & lockett a while ago ... started listening to blur from your reblogs & i love their music, but i don't know much about their relationship or the band in general or really any of the context surrounding their songs. all your tags have me so INTRIGUED. don't worry if this is a big ask; & i hope the new yr is treating you well!

thank you for asking anon. i hope i can do this medium justice. i could say many of the same things i said in my deerhunter post! their partnership and friendship is the core of the band and is why they are the band they are and why they’re so good! they are proof that friendship is the most powerful force in the world!

putting this behind a cut because i got carried away. this also became a primer on Why I Love Blur and Why I Think They Are Special. but i feel like this isn’t even the half of how i feel.

something i would do if you have a free day and feel like torturing yourself is read all the blur interviews from the nineties that are scanned and linked here (bless the people who operate this website). the more contemporary ones from after their reunion are usually very charming. the ones from 1999-2002 are invariably Extraordinarily Sad. the ones from 1995-8 are often Borderline Journalistically Irresponsible. and the ones from before 1995 run the gamut from hysterically funny to guaranteed to fill you with extreme concern for the mental health of everybody involved.

here is one of my favorites of those interviews which goes into the story behind every song they had released until 1995. made me appreciate a lot of the leisure demos even more

here they are in an interview in 1994.... why don’t music magazines do a “best friends” issue anymore ( / why are there no music magazines anymore)... this is one of the first interviews i read with them and it picked up a piece of my brain and moved it. there is... so much in here...

this is my other favorite, from 1996... though it is kind of painful to read in many ways and is indicative of an Extremely Bad Time...

the Long Story Short (ish): they were childhood friends and started playing music together before they were teenagers, damon moved to london to be with graham who was at art school, they started the band which became blur with alex and dave. they started off sounding like the stone roses’ “fools gold” because that was the Sound of the Moment. they then pivoted their entire sound and vibe for almost every album. it is the constant pivoting i think that makes them such a mind-boggling band to me. it’s amazing when any artist reinvents their sound and tries something new because it is such an incredibly risky thing to do. it’s basically unimaginable to me that they did this multiple times in incredibly severe degrees as one of the biggest pop bands in the world whose sound was already kind of a weirdo outlier. and they did much of the pivoting so that they wouldn’t be pigeonholed, and so they could stay true to themselves and each other. like, WHO in our modern musical atmosphere would go from an album with this song on it to ONE YEAR LATER an album with this song on it?????

ANYWAY:

pivot #1 was to become Violently British in response to disastrously touring america around the explosion of grunge, following which they made modern life is rubbish even as their label told them it would be “artistic suicide”

pivot #2 was when they made parklife and invented britpop. this album was a Big Deal. they literally created an entire genre and scene and vibe to fit what they were doing and then wrecked it.

[ they did not pivot on the great escape which is a much maligned album but which has some truly Great Songs. the first single from this album is “country house” which was the subject of a press-manufactured chart battle with “roll with it” by oasis, which became “the battle of britpop” which in itself is was a kind of proxy standoff about class and the kind of north/south tension i am not qualified to discuss as an american. “country house” made it to #1 and graham showed up extremely distraught at damon’s soccer game to tell him and then later that night at a party tried to jump out a window. they hated being famous and had gotten really tired of making and playing “chirpy songs” when it wasn’t how they were feeling. graham wrote a letter to damon telling him that he wanted to make music “to scare people again.” HENCE: ]

pivot #3 is for the s/t in which you can literally feel the sensation of damon getting into pavement so that graham won’t leave the band. my favorite blur song maybe is “country sad ballad man” which has extreme pavement energy. the guitar under the vocal is insane alchemic perfection. also very meta in that it’s about being a washed up rock star. here’s the dumbest and most charming video from this album.

pivot #4 is to truly cosmic territory in the form of 13. nothing else like this record exists. we all can only aspire to making something like this record. i will disclose that i don’t like “tender,” the first song and single which is in itself a kind of shocking pivot in its emotional nakedness. “1992″ is where it’s at for me... which was a demo from the year 1992 (modern life is rubbish sessions) that they rediscovered and remade... the guitar ascending at 1:50... this album is nominally about damon’s longtime girlfriend leaving him and i think you can catch that lyrically but the push/pull of all the vocal and guitar... it’s all these kind of painful warring duets. they couldn’t work together anymore! they wanted extraordinarily different things which could barely coexist. so damon wrote their second full album of “please don’t leave me” and graham ripped all the songs to shreds. the other night i got teary listening to the instrumental outro, “optigan 1.”

[ i haven’t listened to think tank because graham only plays on one song (which i have listened to, “battery in your leg,” apex of suffering, 45 seconds in, do you ever disintegrate) and because whenever i like a band a lot i can’t bring myself to “finish” their catalog. graham left the band during recording sessions because he had gotten sober and couldn’t fake it anymore. during the many years in which they did not speak, they went to each other’s solo performances to watch each other secretly. ]

now they are friends again! they made the magic whip in 2015, which was another pivot in itself.

the amazing thing i think, to get back to the question you initially asked me which i have totally strayed from, is that damon has the absolute pop magic and graham can’t let it be... he has to make it more difficult and challenging and knotty and loud. they need each other because they challenge each other to be better musicians. the songs when you can really hear the tension are totally electrifying and are their best work. it’s the dynamic between their different visions of what they wanted the band to be, the push-pull and the wrestling, that make it all so interesting to listen to...

and that’s my novel on the subject (for now). i’m tagging @piovascosimo to make sure i got everything... beta is the expert who has been a fan since 2002; you might want to follow her.

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gingerchangeling · 7 years ago

Text

Gingerchangeling- Master Post

Poetry

Masterpost

One Shots

The Crown (M)- Ao3 and FF

Attending the Renaissance Faire was not Emma Swan’s idea of a good time. But there may be someone who could change that.

My first Contribution to @cscocktoberfest. Check out their collection on Ao3 or here!

Many many thanks to my perfect one @bluegraywilde and my wonderful beta @courtorderedcake.

The Captain (M)- Ao3 and FF

When Emma signed Henry up for a week long course for his birthday, she had no idea that it would lead her to meeting… The Captain.

Here is my second submission to @cscocktoberfest! Enjoy!! Check out their collection on Ao3 or here!

Alpha Cygni (M)- Ao3 an FF

Written for CSSV 2018 for shipsxahoy: requested AU with fantasy/sci-fi elements, work rivals, soul mates, and inspired by Stardust with a little angst and smut thrown in. Hope you like it!!!!!

It Will Not Be Long, Love (G)- Ao3 and FF

My CS Secret Santa 2018 gift to @love-with-you-i-have-everything. It was a rough night in the Swan-Jones household. Bath times, scars, and nightmares. It takes coming to the brink of falling back into darkness to realize just how much light you have.

Another Attachment (M)- Ao3 and FF

So my muse abandons me for months, and then today comes and continuously hits me with a baseball bat until I write this. *Also unbeta’d cause he’s on a date, so forgive any errors. Essentially very long smut with some angst and comfort thrown in.

Emma is not sure what to get Killian for their first anniversary. And then she is…

Lost, But Not Forever (M)- Ao3 and FF

Pan pays the Neverland crew a visit that has Emma in a panic. And when Neal comes across her trying to deal with her frustration and fear, he did not expect to witness how even lost ones can find each other.

The Shadow of the Deep (G) - Ao3 and FF

After a fight with Snow, David finds himself at the sea. And gets some of the wisdom the sea can give.

No Change (G) - Ao3

I read part 1, part 2, (and now part 3 of @winterbythesea‘s beautiful fic The Look of Love for the prompt on @csprompter: a one shot where Emma gets hit with a love spell where she falls in love with the first person she sees, and she sees Hook and everyone is like “uh oh!” but Emma acts EXACTLY THE SAME AS BEFORE And this kind of wrote itself.

Rent-A-Wag (G) - Ao3 and FF

Written for the CS Pupstravaganza event- An app that lets people rent time with other people's dogs and David books a session for Emma in secret. But she might get a bit more than the half hour that David booked for her.

The Misthaven Witch - Ao3 and FF (Ch 2 - Ao3 and FF)

When Will Scarlett drunkenly accuses Killian Jones of being afraid of the town’s local legend, he of course has to set his inebriated friend straight. Because there is nothing to fear about the ruins of Misthaven...... and the witch rumored to reside there.

That Most Common of Afflictions - Ao3 and FF

Emma know she has a letter for a standard parent teacher conference. Emma knows that the dreaded Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. What Emma doesn't know is exactly how intertwined those two facts of life are going to become.

I Didn't Know Where Else To Go - Ao3 and FF

What if, when Cora arrived in Storybrooke, she was just a bit more direct about it all?

Her Smile - Ao3 and FF

What happens when too many misunderstandings stack up on top of each other? (Basically, it started as the idea that Killian would be hyperaware of how his physical presence would affect Belle, and then just........ kept going)

The Choice That Matters - Ao3 and FF

Hook awakes from a dream and find solace upon the deck, but unexpectedly, not from the sea.

Hallowed Be Thy Name - Ao3 and FF

A future spec fic for what could be in a sequel episode, where JJ Sneed escapes the noose and goes to hunt down the woman who bested him- Maddie Hawkins

Multi-Chapters

Quenched In Blood - Ao3 and FF

Based on the very real history of the infamous Ulfbehrt blades- a set of Viking swords found across the vast expanse of northern Europe, each with a metallurgical makeup that should have been impossible to achieve with the skill and resources for another thousand years in the west. How were these blades crafted? Where did they come from? Why were they made? Perhaps it was with desperate hands that had everything to loose? Hand that had everything on the line- family, home, safety, freedom? Love?

By Your Lights (M) - Ao3 and FF

Killian Jones, desperate professor trying to get tenure and earns extra income on the side using his interior design degree, somehow gets roped into acting as Santa this Christmas and listen to all the earnest wishes of the children of Storybrooke. But after one boy makes a quiet and selfless wish, Killian might find out that Christmas miracles can happen- if someone tries hard enough to make them.

Luck of the Irish (M)- Ao3 and FF

Emma needs parent volunteer hours. So she offers to chaperon Henry’s upcoming field trip to the museum. Its just a pack of prepubescent angst ridden children, an exhibit about dead people, and a rock used in blood sacrifices with a curse carved into it. What’s the worst that could happen?

Scammed (M)- Ao3 and FF

Emma just wanted to relax at the end of her day. But there are always those annoying scam calls……..

A Lifetime Of Almosts Made Up In An Instant Of Always (M)- Ao3 and FF

Emma Swan, Bailbondperson and mother extraordinaire gets hired to act as body guard after she is approached by an agent. The only problems? She is supposed to accompany her charge out of the country, her charge is an actor, and that actor is Killian Jones, a man she has loathed since she met him.

Yo ho ho @thejacketandthehook!!! I am your Secret Santa and here is your promised Bodyguard AU! hater-to-lovers fic!! And because I have no self control and I have actually been wanting to write this for a while, its turned into a multichapter.

Crimson Shadow (M)- Ao3 and FF

Let me tell you- all that fairy tale isht about happy endings and true love…. It’s a lie. And yet, I must also acknowledge (despondently and with no small amount of bitterness) that like all great lies, it does have a grain of truth. Granted, that particular grain is trying to kill me and my best friend, but a grain of truth nevertheless. Now shut up, sit back, and enjoy the show of how isht hit the fan, and I and my best friend came to Storybrooke and to be here, face to face, knowing only one of us would live to see tomorrow.

This multi-chapter is my baby. It came to me when I thought “How would I react if I found myself in a magical town with screwed up families and smoking hot men around every corner?” mixed with “How much self insertion I can get away with before it’s obvious?”

A Darkness For The Light (M)- Ao3 and FF

She has no choice but to find Him. A young, innocent princess must seek out help from the one person she was told to never encounter. The Dark One-aboard his blood soaked ship, driven by the winds of revenge against the very world that created him. The only question that remains is will he help the frail child of light or allow his darkness to consume them both, and her kingdom along with them.

This was born out of a prompt I saw and the beast decided that it would be a great idea to just keep going. The prompt was Wish!verse Emma and Dark!Hook AU. And this ridiculous hydra was born.

The Disaster Series (M)- Ao3 (FF are listed individually on the Disaster Series Page)

The only way that nature knows how to change is to destroy itself. And then something new arises from the destruction. It is only by disaster that it can grow.

A series of on-going one shots that explore various emotional hurdles that both Emma and Killian undergo throughout the course of their years together, and how they help heal each other, using the coming together of their bodies to let their spirits embrace.

The Secret of Inis Oiche (M)- Ao3 and FF

Emma never had a family, and every year on her birthday she makes the same wish. That Henry will always have people who love him. So when a letter arrives, addressed to her with two plane tickets to Ireland, she doesn’t know what to do. Especially since the letter is addressed to “Our Darling Daughter.”

In Search Of The Sea Wolf (M)- Ao3 and FF

Emma Swan, the woman that fate had decided to leave behind. Emma Swan, the woman who lives only for her son. Emma Swan, the unwilling golden child of Golden Enterprises. When she is tasked by her employer, Robert Gold, with the assignment that could “make or break the fate of all those within this company,” Emma Swan could hardly believe that a rural town on an island off the coast of western Canada is what held key to that fate. Going undercover in the town, with her son in tow, can she complete her assignment? Or is there something even greater at stake? It all falls to her, Emma Swan, the woman that fate has thrown to the wolves. The Sea Wolves.

Written for the Captain Swan Supernatural Summer! This was inspired by an article from National Geographic years ago about sea wolves. I’m combining that with some of my favorite of Irish mythology.

#once upon a time #once upon a time au #cs #Captain Swan #killian jones #emma swan #a darkness for the light #disastersseries #alpha cygni #a lifetime of almosts made up in an instant of always #the secret of inis oiche #crimsonshadow #gingerchangeling does writing #gingerchangeling does poetry

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geekgirles · 7 years ago

Text

A penny for your thoughts

Well, here it is. My first and only one-shot so far. It’s far from perfect, of course but it’s mine. And I spent months working on it. It includes cussing, but most of it is Troll cussing. Also, if you don’t understand any of the expressions that’s probably because I based some of them on Spanish cussing, don’t hesitate to aak me their meaning if needed. One last detail, I described the characters’ opinions on other trolls so it worked for the story, I have nothing against any of the characters in this wonderful film. A special thanks to @alien-bean-branch for acting as my beta and to @silvergoldwolf and @umamalim for supporting me. You guys rock! Y sin más preámbulos… He could only think of one word capable of describing how he felt about what he was going to do. Stupid. This whole idea was stupid.

Branch knew that Poppy meant well when she suggested him to see Dr Plum Plimsy to talk about his issues; after all, the young troll wasn’t only the village’s doctor, but its psychiatrist as well. But, even if the former grump respected her greatly, nothing could change his point of view: Dr Plum would be incapable of aiding a survivalist who had spent twenty years of his life being grey.

As he allowed himself to get lost in his thoughts, he made it to Dr Plum’s pod. The latter being both violet and neon green, much like its owner’s own colouring, to be precise. But what made this place special wasn’t its colours, but the fact that this was actually her home, not her clinic. The young lass must have decided to have her consultations when it came to psychology there, Branch thought.

As soon as he entered it, Dr Plum greeted him with great, welcoming enthusiasm “Branch! I’m glad you could make it! What? Ready to have a productive session?” asked the psychologist.

The survivalist simply rolled his eyes “Dr Plum, I know that this is the regular procedure, but there’s no need to greet me like that. I’m not a child”

“You may not be one, but that doesn’t stop you from eating most of the chocolate that I give to my patients as a reward after their check-ups, does it?”

That shut him up.

The purple troll took advantage of his reaction to lead him inside. If Branch was skeptical before, the decorations of the pod didn’t help him. At all. The inside of it was modest, that much was true. But there was indeed a medical vibe in the air. Basically, because it consisted of very simple furniture: a desk full of papers, letters, office material, some strange gadgets of unknown use; a bookshelf whose books were only related to medicine and science; a few lamps here & there; a bed-which made sense since this was, technically, her home; a small kitchen, and…

“Is that a divan?” Inquired Branch. “Isn’t that a little bit-”

“Of a cliché?” Ended Plum. “Well, duh. But you just can’t deny that it’s comfortable, and that’s all that matters. Now, make yourself at home so we can get started, Branch.”

Branch hesitantly did as he was told, he lay down in the divan and prepared for the worst. It was supposed to be no more than an hour of therapy, but on the other hand, it was going to be an hour of therapy. An hour he would have to spend talking about his life, his feelings, his experiences… The boy cringed at the mere thought. There was no way he was gonna let himself be vulnerable so easily.

Meanwhile, ignoring the survivalist’s internal monologue, Dr. Plum sat down as well with a notepad and pen in hand. She also started up a chronometre, to know when the time was up. She was ready to start with the session. After all, Queen Poppy herself had asked her to help him out, she knew that he was having a hard time getting used to being happy again. His… “Original” smile proved that.

“Branch” She called him. “Are you ready to start?”

Once he was brought back to reality, the blue troll decided that he should try to send their conversation into a more comfortable direction. In other words, he would talk to her about his most neutral days. No drama, no childhood traumas, no insecurities… Just that. “Um… Sure. Go ahead. What should we start with?”

And… He failed. Now she could ask him about whatever she wanted to know! Nice going…

Noticing his uneasiness, the doctor decided to take a better approach for someone like Branch. She just needed to calm him down first. “You know, Branch. You don’t have to try so hard. I have several patients, including kids. And we have an entire hour to set the bases of your therapy. It’ll be fine, I promise”.

That last bit of information caught him off guard. “Wait, you attend to kids too? Huh. No wonder, there are some very “fascinating” children. Do you treat this purple-skinned, purple-haired boy?”

“Oh, you mean Stem? He’s-” But before she could finish, Branch cut her off.

“He seems to be nice and all, don’t get me wrong. But he’s quite weird sometimes… I could swear I had seen him lick himself” The former grump realised something wasn’t right when he noticed Plum’s unreadable expression.

“He’s my nephew…” She answered simply. There was a hint of annoyance in her voice.

Oh. OH. Branch was about to apologise for his words when Dr Plimsy shut him up. “Please, don’t try to fix it. You’ll only make it worse. Let’s just move on, ok?”

The young adult limited himself to nod.

“So…” Started Dr. Plum. “Would you like to tell me about your everyday life? You know, something that makes you comfortable to start with”. Branch couldn’t thank her for her suggestion enough.

He thought about his life ever since Poppy had made peace with the bergens. Except for his colours, the fact that he was closer with her and the Snack Pack now and that he was no longer a grump, nothing had really changed. Of course, now he participated in a lot more activities than before (basically, because he just didn’t participate in any, then), and they visited the bergens frequently. But… Nope. There wasn’t much difference, at least not that he wanted to talk about. Then he thought about his bunker, now that had changed. He had replaced his arsenal with another supply room, he had added more supplies besides acorns, he had finally built a hot tub… Yeah, that was what he felt at ease with.

“Well…” the survivalist started, “I’ve been working on my bunker recently. You know, made some changes. For instance, I replaced my old hammock for an actual bed, it still feels weird, but I’ll get used to it. Oh! And I updated my schedules.”

Dr. Plum limited herself to write down every piece of information that escaped the survivalist’s lips. She was rather impressed he was actually talking. In all honesty, she had assumed they would spend the hour in awkward silence. But here he was, even if this was nowhere near his inner sorrow, this was Branch she was treating at the moment and so, baby steps. If this succeeded, they would get there eventually.

“So you changed your schedules. Fascinating” the purple troll commented.

“Well, yeah. I thought it’d be the best if I wanted to keep up with Poppy and the Snack Pack” the former grump explained. “I currently follow this one, 6:30 I wake up, 6:45, breakfast, 7:00-7:26, search for potential dangers, 7:30-8:30, zumba; afterwards I take a showe-”

His speech was interrupted by Dr Plimsy’s failed attempt to stop her giggling.

“S-sorry!” she tried to apologise, even if she was still laughing. “It-it’s just, zumba? That was unexpected.”

And there it was, another troll who couldn’t believe certain changes in his character. Normally, Branch would’ve felt especially uncomfortable about it, but this time it was understandable, Hair, even he couldn’t believe himself when he decided to include said dance as one of his daily chores.

“It’s okay. I understand your disbelief, but as I said before, I have to keep up with the most upbeat group of trolls in the entire village. Where did you think my moves came from? I haven’t danced in 20 years!”

And then, just like that, he suddenly stopped. There was something about that sentence that had made him go back to the shut down state he was in at the beginning of the session. All Plum could hope for was learning just what it was.

So she tried a different approach.

“So… Are you and Queen Poppy together?” It was a very risky approach, Plum knew this. But she had to try.

Judging by how Branch moved from being dull to nearly having a heart attack, then incapable of controlling the blush on his face and how one of the most gifted trolls in the ways of speaking had suddenly turned into a stuttering mess, she had succeeded at getting his mind off of his worries.

“W-wha?! I-I… But, how?” he began “What the frosting, Dr Plum?! Where did you get such a crazy idea?! Me and Poppy?! We-we’re not together!”

Denial. My favourite way to start a touchy topic, thought the purple lady in white clothing.

“Branch, there’s no point in denying it. Love is a wonderful thing! You should consider yourself lucky, my boy, many trolls would love to be in your place” reasoned the specialist.

“But that’s the point!” the blue patient answered “I’m not denying anything! Poppy and I are…close” Was he allowed to say that? “But we’re not together” He finished, a slight hint of disappointment in his voice.

The green-haired psychologist related to him. She had been through the same, fear, embarrassment, self-doubt and an undying love for someone, in other words, conflicted emotions.

“Branch, believe me, I know what I’m talking about” she insisted, “You think you two are close but not close enough. You want to be there for her but, at the same time, you don’t think you’re actually where you should be; where you’d like to be, in her heart. I know that feeling. Hair! Have I been there…”

Before this revelation Branch was just open-mouthed. Okay, he shouldn’t forget he was talking to another troll, here. A young female whose life probably included a lot more people than his. But, still! It was difficult to picture her doing anything other than healing the citizens of Troll Village…

“You have?!” Okay, nice going, Branch. Next time, why don’t you just say, “Hey, I can’t believe it! I thought you had even less social life than me!” That’ll make it clear…

But before he had more time to scold himself, Plum simply answered.

“You bet!” she laughed “You have no idea how many times I’ve gone through that! Lemme see… It happened when I wanted to ask Darius out, back in my teens; with Aspen… And, oh! You just can’t imagine how nervous I was when I first dated Maddie. Got a date with her after this, actually”

And again, more surprises, “You’re dating Maddie?!” At this point Branch was sure he needed to work on his subtlety.

But, luckily, his therapist just giggled. She was so used to people flipping over the fact that they were dating…She could understand it though, judging by what meets the eye, they had nothing in common.

“Yup” was her answer.

Branch just continued there, waiting, not entirely sure if he should urge her to elaborate further or just change the topic, but once again, she came early.

“People tend to think we can’t be serious about each other, in all fairness, I don’t know about Mad, but I’m crazy about her” there was a special glimmer in Plum’s eyes “You see, ever since I took over the clinic and I started tending trolls, they would always ask me about the band-aids in my hair. Even if it did bother me, I got used to it, but with Mad… It was completely different. The first time she came in, asking for a check up, she told me she found them absolutely beautiful. She said I had found the best accessories for my hair, and that they were perfect for me. I was blushing like an idiot for the rest of the day, and, before I knew it, I was crushing on her”.

Branch was… Touched. Yeah, that was the only way to describe what he was feeling. To be honest, he understood perfectly the way Dr Plum must’ve felt when people questioned their relationship. He could tell there were still people who couldn’t understand just why Poppy and the Snack Pack suddenly hung out with him, especially if they were talking about a certain motherhugger. And, honestly, it hurt. It hurt ‘cause he was trying, he really was! Okay, so maybe growing a safety obsessed plant hadn’t been the best idea ever, or ruining a birthday party, a wedding and a funeral (he hadn’t killed the guy!) or criticising a certain pink troll’s leadership… Ugh! He really needed to move on! And he decided he would try his best with this session, so he took a deep breath and prepared himself for what was about to happen…

“The saddest day of my life was when I was five, and I lost my grandma. It was Trollstice, but because the bergens had already decided which Trolls would be sacrificed for their happiness, I, being the clueless, hopeful kid I was, thought there was nothing else to fear. I believed the nightmare was over. The biggest mistake I have ever made.”

Dr. Plum had no idea of what to do. She had imagined the young survivalist had deep traumas, of course she had, but she had never expected he would actually open up to her in their first session. She didn’t even ask him to share that information with her. And yet, that’s exactly what he was doing.

“Back then, I was happy, you know? I enjoyed dancing, hugging, partying (even if I wasn’t allowed to go to real parties due to my young age), even glitter. But that soon died the moment I went through puberty”. The last part was said with a scowl on his face. A bad case of glitter acne. The young psychologist figured. “But, what I loved most was singing. Grandma used to said it was like an angel’s, but for me it felt like a curse for the longest time. You see, my singing at-attract-attracted a-a…”

Branch was obviously choking on his own words. Whatever it was that happened back then must have all the answers for his behaviour. But Plum’s job was making sure her patients were fine. That was her top priority.

“Hey, hey! Branch! It’s ok! You don’t have to push yourself to say it!” She pleaded him.

“No, I have to do this. Being inside my shell might have protected me of the dangers lurking in the forest, but it has hurt those I care about! Just, just let me do this, please, Dr?”

In the end, the purple troll gave in, allowing her blue companion to continue. But not before a few minutes of rest. That was mandatory.

The sarcastic troll took a deep breath before continuing.

“My singing attracted the attention of Chef. She tried to grab me, but took my grandma instead. That, was what caused me to lose my colours. The reason why I kept my voice to myself for two decades. I’m the reason why she’s gone!”

Plum was appalled by this confession. “But, Branch! It wasn’t your fault! You were just a kid! You said it yourself, Trollstice was supposed to be over. You could’ve never known…”

“But it was my fault!” He insisted. “If I had only listened to her, then, she wouldn’t have been taken by that, that…”

“Heartless, psychotic bitch?”

“…Yes. How could you…? How did you…? Are you even allowed to cuss?!” The answer had left him speechless, he never thought trolls could actually cuss. He was convinced he was the only one.

“Oh, Branch” The female laughed. “Of course I can, we all can, We just keep our mouths shut in case there are children around. But you’re no kid, boy. Actually, your mouth can be dirtier than half of the village’s sometimes”.

“Guilty”

“But I can always say babyproof curses if you prefer”.

“Yes, please.” Anyway, if he wanted to get anywhere with this today, he had to continue. “Even if you say it wasn’t my fault, that doesn’t change the fact that I lost her. No matter what you say now, none of it is going to change how I felt.”

“And how did you feel, Branch?”. Dr. Plimsy interrupted. That’s what she was interested in the most. His feelings.

Another deep breath.

“I felt… Alone, guilty, sad. Terribly sad. My grandma, the troll I loved most, was gone! And she was never coming back… I can still hear her screams, especially in my nightmares. The loneliness was suffocating, no one to laugh with, no one whose hugs could make me half as happy as hers, no more gentle eyes which would look at me as if I were the most important person in someone’s life. No comfort, no happiness, no hope. Just, sadness…” The blue troll finished, his eyes watering.

“But what about the other trolls?” She said while handing him a tissue. “We’re not exactly known for being insensitive creatures, Branch”.

He tensed up.

“Well…” The survivalist started. “This is where things get awkward and very personal…”

“More personal than sharing your biggest trauma? The reason behind all those years of being a outcast? Really?” Plimsy inquired, matter-of-factly.

“There’s a huge chance this might end with you judging me, though”. He still tried to convince her.

To no avail, actually.

“Branch, c’mon! My job literally consists of not judging trolls. Actually, frost this cupcake! I’m doing this for free, man! I already know what I’m doing”.

Branch sat back in the divan before the doctor’s outburst. He still had to get used to hearing her swear too. But, she was right. Besides, looking at the clock he realised there was still quite some time to fill before he could go home.

“Alright” He finally gave up. “The reason why I kept myself away from the other trolls was conflicted feelings. On the one strand, I didn’t want to lose any of you too. Even if I didn’t always show it, you guys are still my people, and I care about the village’s safety. And, on the other… Now this is where it gets weird. “The thing is, I used to harbour some resentment towards the village. I was always wondering how they could be so careless, so happy-go-lucky, so happy… Many of them had lost dear ones, just like me. Even so, none of them acted like that was the case. I guess I envied that. For a very long time the happiest, supportive, closest to one another place on the planet felt completely cold and false. I hated that. I insist, in the bottom, my positive feelings for our world were the strongest ones, but the others were still there, you know…”

Branch wasn’t very sure this whole thing would help him, after all, instead of better he was starting to feel dead inside. Although he had discovered that was a great mood to write down poetry, to be honest. Guess there’s nothing like a broken heart to bleed ink.

His thoughts, however, were interrupted by another of Plimsy’s questions.

“Was there really no one there for you?”

Of course there was. He could never get over the warm feeling in his heart whenever she showed him he meant something to at least someone. The way a single minute listening to her voice could enrapture him completely. How a single smile from her could light up his entire existence, even if he desperately tried to hide it. In a way, he could say she had become his light. A light he couldn’t live without.

“There was… Someone”. He tried to keep it simple. But the professional just wouldn’t let him. He couldn’t tell if it was because that was her job or because she actually enjoyed gossip.

“Was it an enthusiastic, happy pink princess?” The lavender female was obviously pushing his bottoms.

“Maybe, I’m colour-blind”. He lied. He was rather curious about how this conversation would end.

“Loud and, admittedly, careless, from time to time?”. She tried again.

“Most trolls are like that, so… It doesn’t ring a bell, sorry”.

Even if the atmosphere was heating up from their little “competition”, Branch would not surrender. He had spoken a lot already, and those feelings were only shared with Gary, his diary and as a result, Cloud Guy. But the further the walking condensed steam kept from him, the better.

Although he did not expect the following question.

“Does this troll have as many and beautiful glitter freckles as the stars in the universe?”. She smirked, knowing he got him right were she wanted.

“How do you know that?!” The young adult panicked.

“Oh, Branch. You’re very good at keeping things safe, but you surprisingly forgot to keep your secret stash of invitations and romantic poetry hidden in a better place. I mean, sorry, but seriously? A curtain?” The female said with an incredulous look on her face.

Branch was a stuttering mess after this. Chance that Dr. Plimsy took to speak with him and put his mind at ease.

“Don’t worry, Branch. Only King Peppy and I found them. Who, by the way, is very pleased to have you as son-in-law.”

“What?! Peppy knows?! I won’t be able to look at him straight in the eyes anymore… Well, at least it’s just the two of you.”

“Mmm, Branch, I think you’re forgetting that you openly declared your feelings for Poppy inside the pot. Remember?” She had seen a lot in her career, but someone panicking the same way as him? This was a first…

Now he was at the verge of fainting. Come on, Branch, you’ve fought spiders, dealt with bergens, built a bunker by yourself. This should be nothing!

Truth must be told, there was a huge difference between what his mind said and how his body reacted.

His biggest concern, though, was the pink haired princess. It’s not like he thought Poppy was completely oblivious to his feelings. Technically, singing a romantic duet with someone usually had such effect. Especially in their culture. But… there were various insecurities inside. For starters, she could have not healed for that motherhugger, hair-puller, son of a leprous tarantapuff… To put it simple or he would never finish: Creek.

“They had been friends for a very long time, there were feelings involved…” He regretted his words the moment the left his mouth.

“You’re speaking about Creek, aren’t you?” Dr. Plimsy deduced.

He exhale tiredly. “Is it that obvious?”

“Branch, we all knew you didn’t like Creek. It was even more obvious that Poppy was close to him. But you can’t let that get to you, you gotta be there for her if she feels down and demonstrate just how much she means to you. Poppy is perfectly aware of the fact that Creek did whatever left his hair. You needn’t worry about it. Just take action.”

“But it’s not just that”. The teal male admitted. “Poppy is hope. She’s happiness. She’s a light shining bright in the night sky. And I’m just… not. I’m not like the other trolls”.

It was unlike him to be so down. Of course, he was depressed when he was grey, but always managed to cover it. But now, now he was just vulnerable, fearful, even. He was honest. With no sarcasm or snarky comments to hide behind. Right now Branch was just being Branch. A beautiful sight to behold indeed.

“Branch, listen to me. It’s time to give you your self-esteem dose.”

The moment she had his full attention, she began.

“You wanna know what I see when I look at you? I see someone a lot braver than what he thinks he is. Someone who was willing to risk everything he had ever worked for to achieve a greater good. A kind, shy and slightly socially awkward guy who just needed a little push in the right direction to shine brighter than the stars above. A troll who wasn’t afraid, for once, to pour out his heart to make things right and to help his loved ones. So, basically, I see a shimmering blue diamond with a heart of gold. And I just know Poppy sees it too. So you have nothing to fear, my boy, you’ll get the girl.”

To say Branch was touched was a statement. He had no idea just how much he needed to hear such thoughtful, kind words. There was no way he could express his gratitude to Dr. Plum Plimsy. Or was there?

As the two of them sat there in comfortable silence, the alarm rung. Time was over. They were done and he was free to never go back. But…

As the violet psychologist started to tidy up her pod, her actions were interrupted by Branch’s voice at the door.

“So… Same time next week?”

A warm, knowing smile formed on Plum’s face. She had done it.

“Same time next week.”

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rcultado · 4 years ago

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Reborn: Betony Vernon Cover Story

When Betony Vernon talks, you get the impression that she is sometimes speaking in capital letters. Listening to her, you question quietly and try to keep up. Is it sex she’s talking about, or big letter S Sex? When she touches on the people who paved they way for her, is it her teachers, or the more ominous Teachers? On the many taboos we collectively tiptoe around as a society, you wonder if it’s pleasure or Pleasure? Run-of-the-mill puppy love or big L Love? This is important to decipher. Like keys, it unlocks your understanding of certain concepts and primes you to her universe: one where nothing is taken for granted, where everything is sacred.

Designer, author, therapist. Betony Vernon, with her flaming red hair and flowing silky robes, is a textbook Renaissance woman. Her many endeavors seemingly rooted and closely knit by one running thread, sex. Sexology. She defines it as the understanding of the sexual being and the research around it. For her, it has been a 30-year course, one that she is still enrolled in. “The sexual realm is always evolving, and us with it. It’s political, social, it’s as much physical as it is spiritual,” she says.

Spiritual sex, huh. It might sound iffy, but if you have been lurking in the right side of the Internet, you would know that there is a resurgence of new age philosophy, a wave of urban witches comparing zodiac birth charts, collecting crystal trinkets, and practicing sex magick. This is the process of building sexual energy and using it to ground your manifestation. For Vernon of course this is not news. “In Tantra, orgasm is regarded to be the closest thing we can get to the divine,” she shares. “Our Asian forefathers understood the power of sex. Skilled love-making being one of the many doors to enlightenment.”

If you find this spiritual talk a bit woozy, Vernon also tethers it to a religion even the most doubtful among us tends to subscribe to — hard science. “When we are sharing our intimate space with someone we are connected to, our bodies start to emit certain hormones. Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, beta-endorphins,” she asserts. “It’s like heroin, but it’s coming from within you,” she continues.

The erotic offers a well of replenishing and provocative force to the woman who does not fear its revelation, according to Audre Lorde in The Uses of the Erotic. Vernon calls this tapping into the Body Pharmacy. “When we have sexual relations with someone, and there’s something behind it, something driving it, you feel more connected to this person. All the more these hormones are going to be produced,” she points out. “This chemical power of desire, it’s a real feel good pharmacy. This is also why when people don’t tap into this side of their lives, when they forget about their sexuality, or push it aside, or repress their desires, it creates a void, a frustration.”

Turns out, that girl hitting you up only during the full moon is not very far off. And she might appreciate Betony Vernon’s line of erotic jewelry, one in particular: a necklace equipped with a tiny vessel container. It comes with a small pad paper, on which you write your manifestation before rolling it up and putting it inside the pendant. All this done pre coitus, this piece of jewelry you wear in situ, and makes your love making more directed, your sex magick more potent. If that does not work, you can always opt for her silver Petting Ring (worn by Christina Aguilera, Bionic era!), a luxe collar choker, or one of her feathery things, to tickle, to caress, to enchant.

Vernon’s jewelry line has not always been this explicitly erotic. In the 90s, she was making jewelry stocked at Barney’s in New York, Kashiyama in Japan, and Liberty in London. Often she would try to sneak in a mildly erotic piece into their selection, it would be flagged and withdrawn. In 2001, after a post 9/11 jolt to her psyche, Vernon decides to make sado-chic pieces exclusively. “I refused to make anything else that does not have to do with enhanced sexual wellness. Objects that have a function beyond being pieces of jewelry,” she shares. By eliminating all the pieces outside the erotic collection, she lost all the biggest retailers buying from her. “They freaked out. But I realized that if you hit a nerve, there must be something valid in what you’re doing.”

When a door closes, several others open. What she lost in prestigious department store real estate, she gained in the confidence of several private clients, a roster that is growing to this day. Vernon welcomes them, strictly by appointment, in her showroom atelier in the Marais, in Paris. All green velvet, it feels like being on the inside of a jewelry box. Meta and apt, sure, but also stunning and opulent. From making the huge leap of faith to landing here in this beautiful space, Vernon must have done many things right. “I knew from the start that with this erotic collection, I need to do a Boudoir Box. Because I knew that my clients would want to have several pieces, house their collection, and I would need to lug it around and show it to people,” she notes. “I knew I needed to be an educator.”

And an educator she became. Vernon arranged sexual wellness salons (attended by a diverse public ranging from jittery gay boys to seasoned S&M enthusiasts), guided self-hypnosis sessions (one wherein she marries you to yourself, in a state of trance, fostering self-love, esteem, and trust in oneself), and writing a definitive sex guide for today called The Boudoir Bible (available in English, French, Czech, Polish, Russian, Chinese, and Portuguese, with several foreign editions in the works.) “I needed to write it, I needed to be understood, because if not I would not be able to continue with any of the design work,” Vernon explains. “My goal with the book is to dismantle the pleasure taboo. Pleasure is a bond, it connects us, it ties us together,” she elaborates, smiling, before continuing, “You know what’s another taboo? Love.”

What about love? (Or is it Love?) “It’s not something that is not on the menu nowadays. Love is something that was kind of used against us, and it’s just like we weren’t given the keys to our own house.” Vernon affirms that our society is in such bad shape because very basic keys were denied us. “It’s a social sin. Denying people the keys to themselves.”

When asked about the future, Vernon claims that who ever emerges from this pandemic would experience a rebirth. “The future has a very little to do with pre-Covid reality,” she notes. “We have to really tap into our incredible neuroplasticity and rewire our brains to design the future that we deserve. Because it’s not going to happen from the top down. We have to stay in the light and see through this awakening.”

Reborn. Which incidentally is also the theme of this issue. We shared about our reservations, how the fashion industry is the second most polluting one after petroleum, how disheartening it is to be walked through the back doors and to see that everything’s a mess. “Then maybe you’re the response,” Vernon points out. Standing in the light is seeking the truth, demanding it as much from the politicians governing us as the food we put on our plates. “At this point, everything you do is activism. From what you put on your face to what you choose to eat. The future is real. Literally. To ensure that everything we consume is truthful is to be a part of this new wave of awakening.”

There are many paths going to achieve this prise de conscience, and as the French like to say: tous les moyens sont bons. We try to get there by any means possible. Go get tied with ropes and hang upside down from the ceiling, activating your body’s theta frequency. Let your dinner plate or your bed be the place of the revolution. Feel everything. Or just go through the world, humming silently with the power of deeply knowing yourself. We are sure of one thing though. Betony Vernon is our Woman. Yes, big letter W Woman.

Originally published on Magazine Uniform No 3

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thegrammylab · 4 years ago

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"She’s Not Posting You (How Other Men View It)" by Lothario

Forget what she "said" was the reason why she doesn't feel the need to add you to the vast array of everything else she meticulously photographs over and over again; this is what every heterosexual male that isn't you thinks when they see her living her best life on social media without you.

I don't think I can describe it any simpler than that, so let's jump right in.

You Don't Exist

This is what 100% of the strangers and acquaintances who happen to interact with your girl digitally think.

This is also what up to a good 60% - 80% of the men in her life who are "friends" without benefits think if they haven't been introduced to you but may or may not have been told about you.

Neither will stop shooting their shot for a dude they've never seen. For a large number of men, we use visual cues to determine who is off-limits with female interactions, and even though it may be an innocent coffee study session, after work assignment, or social media post on her end, if your girl is attractive, all of the men above will try her, openly and directly, as any man should for a woman he is interested in.

If there is no wedding ring, what is there to stop them? Believe it or not, men do virtual checks just as much and sometimes more than women do, and that includes the people we know are in relationships. The easiest way to see if a couple has broken up is if they've stopped posting and unfollowed each other. Your absence is a go-ahead not just to the "savages" among us, but the regular dudes who normally wouldn't go for someone who is taken.

She doesn't have to go crazy, but being there matters because that makes your relationship less of a target.

You're Weak

But let's talk about the people who do know, your bros by blood and selection. Don't pretend like they haven't visited her page to see if she's doing right by you as any good friend/sibling would do. Her wiling out on the gram affects you, and if it affects you, it should affect them at some level.

So come around your birthday, Valentine's Day, holidays, or any special events, and the photos that you all took together are noticeably missing. The men's delegation will immediately assume trouble is afoot. Mainly because they also know that other men who aren't your friends are also taking excellent notes.

Trust us; we have heard every justification under the sun:

"I like to keep my private life private"

"I don't want people in my business"

"I'm not on social media like that"

"I use my IG for business not personal"

"I don't want to be fake for all these people"

"I don't want other girls hopping in your DM"

The list goes on and on, and to be fair, most of them have legitimacy. She may completely wholeheartedly believe and live by them. Still, the problem is, the only thing worse than a man unknowingly hitting on your girl is one who is hitting on her because he thinks you are less than a man than he is.

It's important to share this with women you are seriously dating who genuinely haven't thought about it like that because if you two lived in a vacuum, it would be meaningless (just like a wedding ring). However, living in a society means that there are social norms. If a man does have this conversation with his girl and still doesn't post him, his status as a beta male is solidified. Now her ignorance moves to passive consent.

The majority of heterosexual men assume women are aware that not posting someone translates to their DMs being wide open, mostly because women normally want their men to post them too. Any woman with a boyfriend who isn't represented on their page is still considered fair game; to be taken by a strong enough man command that level of sacrifice and thoughtfulness. Ultimately, her decision to "buck the system," so to speak, is viewed as a lack of respect, which is still her choice to make. But if you don't think it's a red flag, your boys are, and it's definitely not a good look to the greater population.

You're A Phase / Not Serious

Still, some men won't believe that she is hiding you from the world out of the goodness of her heart, no matter what feminist cause she exhorts. That's because, at a very basic level, people post what they care about and what they think other people are going to like.

You not being up to the standard of her family, friend group, or her past exes are more logical reasons not to get posted. Guys will quickly form this opinion if you are nowhere in sight after she posted her ex almost every second. You can still see some of their oldies but goodies on her page.

We've had plenty of talks with women who expressed their embarrassment about posting and deleting photos of men they have been with. They've confided that they've just decided to play it safe for two reasons:

Not look like they are running through men like a pair of J's

Keep their options open because they know these next situationships aren't going anywhere

Let me give you a Big Sean verse to put how her ex's feel into a better perspective.

"I'm that n***a, I'm that n***a, that's yo n***a, even when you got a n***a, that you make love with, fill the tub with"

It's course, but very true for many men who have strong connections with their exes. We all listen to the same songs about taking girls away from other dudes, and depending on how bad she is, the level of savagery can and will escalate with an ex who has no real evidence that he's been replaced, so the name of the game is territory. No, she's not your possession, but there are boundaries within your relationship, and that includes signs that one exists to trespassers. Yes, if your girl is attractive, guys will hit on her regardless of what she posts and what you do, but the frequency, amount, and type of guys who do increase dramatically if they connect the dots that you are only an emotional stepping stool to her next relationship.

If that's not what it is, add some social proof. If it is what it is, you need to make some moves, my boy. No shame it happens to the best of us, but don't let yourself be used by a baddie just because the sex is amazing. You're going to miss it more than ever when it's suddenly and permanently taken away in humiliating fashion by the one she really cares for.

You're On Your Way Out

There is one case where the reason she's not posting you is totally your fault but is also a smoke signal for the wolves to start circling your camp.

If early in the relationship, she posted you heavy, even catching you off guard with candid Snaps, and she suddenly stops... for like months. This is not a drill. You need to do some major reassessing because you did something or stopped doing something that has changed the relationship's trajectory.

We may never be able to read women's minds like Mel Gibson. Still, you can certainly read their actions like the latest installment of Harry Potter. As mentioned before, posting is social capital to you and her, don't think she doesn't get anything out of it. In bold letters, it's also saying, "stay away from my man" to any woman that follows her. So if she's exposed you to her audience in a pretty recurring fashion and given you the stamp of approval by association, she has skin in the game.

If she's creating a time gap and diminishing your presence suddenly, it's more than likely because she's unhappy with you. Even girls with side-dudes often keep up appearances because women are smart, and they know that would draw our attention. So her not posting you is meant to draw your attention that something is wrong, so it's probably a good idea to show her that you received the message.

This is also where the definitely not-gay emotional-support-guy-friend is lying in wait, ready to pounce. There's no shame in their game because we've all seen a dude messing up and uttered the famous lines.

"I'm just saying I could do better."

Some do and live happily ever after; some don't and continue the cycle. Regardless, if you've noticed a sharp decline in your camera time, it's an opportunity to say

"I've noticed we been drifting apart, and I want to do something about it before it's too late. Do you want to talk about it?"

Don't just ask her what's wrong or call her out for not posting you because, in her heart of hearts, she wants you to know what is wrong even if she hasn't exactly told you. Make it easier for her to give you better hints by opening it up to discussing where your head has been the last few months, and you know that you haven't been all the way there. Ask where her head is at, and if she's still interested in a relationship, those are better questions because she will either show that she still wants it or start listing the reasons she wants out.

Don't let the negativity shock you if she wants out because the talk alone means you have a chance. If you're listening, there should be some immediate steps you can take to boost her confidence in the relationship. The most important thing to communicate is that you are willing to try, and you noticed something was up. Things didn't have to blow up to get to that point. Connecting emotionally will not only help you, but it will also take away the appeal of the other dudes who are trying to creep in by being "sensitive" and "listening."

At the end of the day, appearances aren't everything. You should always prioritize the uniqueness of your relationship over anything that other men think. However, as men, we must put up fences, as it's never wise to have anything you care for look defenseless.

#relationships #dating #lothario

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panic-angel3314 · 8 years ago

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War of Hearts : Alpha!Roman Reigns x Reader x Future Alpha!Braun Strowman Part 1/?

A/N: Ok so this is a series I’ve been working on. 1. Because I love Braun Strowman and Roman Riegns and 2. I love the whole werewolf AU. And 3 I’m a sucker for soulmate AUs😫😫It’s my first time ever writing something like this so please be gentle. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea ☕️ Tagging my babes because they continue to inspire me and encourage me. I love you guys 🖤🖤 Pairings: Alpha!Roman Reigns x Reader ; Future Alpha!Braun Strowman x Omega!Reader Warnings: Cursing maybe? Angstish (like internally, it’s a love triangle people), Fluff, A/B/O dynamics Summary: Becoming a women’s wrestler is never easy, especially as an Omega. Finding love is even harder. Will you find love in one or will fate throw you to the wolves? Follow this story as the reader goes into battle in a “War of Hearts”.

“I can’t help but be wrong in the dark ‘Cause I’m overcome in this war of hearts”

Being an omega was never easy but thanks to my family and Grade A suppressants I managed it. It was extremely hard because on top of all that I was a pro wrestler trying to make my way up the ranks without the help of my superstar big brother Daniel Bryan or The Bella’s who were practically my sisters.

“So, what’s it like?” Nikki asked.

“Being on suppressants? I don’t know. Ok… so you know how during your heat all you want is the ’D’ but the only thing that can quell it is a knot?”

“Yeah…”

“Well the suppressants help it so that all I need is the ’D’ and it can be attached to some nice little Beta and not some asshole Alpha. It also helps me not be a slave to my own body. Just because I’m an omega, doesn’t mean I need an Alpha to function.”

“Of course, not Babe. You’re a strong independent omega!”

“Nik not so loud, would ya? Most people still think I’m a Beta and I’d like to keep that way.”

“Why hun you should be proud of who and what you are. “I couldn’t help but sigh at her comment.

"I am, Nik. It’s not how I feel about it. It’s how

others perceive me when they find out that bothers me. Alphas only want me hanging off their knots and Betas look down at me as if that is all I want as well.” I replied somberly.

“Hey (Y/N). I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that I promise.”

“I know you didn’t Nikki. Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“What’s it like to find your true mate. Like with you and John. What was that whole experience like?”

“Gosh girl, I don’t think there are enough hours in the day to explain what it felt like but I’ll try my best.” She giggles before turning serious. “You know how everyone has their own scent and some are more appealing than others?”

“Yes, but with my suppressants a lot of other people’s scent have been dulled to me.”

“Really?” she paused for a split second shaking her head “I mean, as I was saying when you finally meet your true mate, or at least when I met John he smelt otherworldly. The first whiff had my wolf screaming, girl. She kept repeating things like mate, and home, and mine. The scent itself smelt like pinewoods and musk. Man, just thinking about it… whoo.” She had to stop and fan herself at the thought of her own true mate.

“Nikki!” I squealed.

“Sorry, hun. I can’t help it. Anyways that’s just the smell. When we touched, my body was set ablaze. Like first heat times 100.” I shuddered at the thought.

Every omega’s first heat is the cruelest. I was lucky enough to be in the comfort of my own home with suppressants on standby. While my family always thought I’d present as an omega, I was kind of a late bloomer.

“(Y/N/N) did you hear what I said?”

I sheepishly looked down shaking my head mouthing an 'I’m sorry’.

“What I was saying is that you also go into an instant heat and your mate goes into an instant rut to push the mating process. And if you don’t couple you’ll be in the most excruciating pain you’ve ever been in. Just driving to the hotel was a feat for me and John. What’s made you so curious about this all the sudden?”

“I don’t honestly know. I just know I’m getting older and still haven’t found my mate. Part of me wonders if the whole true mate thing is even real. Or maybe I just don’t have one you know?”

Nikki was having none of that. She practically lunged from her spot on the couch to pummel me in a big hug, scent marking me in a comforting manner. Omega instincts at its finest.

“He’s out there Babydoll. I just know it. And besides today’s a day of celebration remember? Your Raw debut is tomorrow and me, Brie, and Daniel couldn’t be prouder. You’ve worked so hard on your own, taking absolutely no hand outs and you’re finally here. So, no time for being sad. We have take- out on the way to the house as well as Brie and Daniel. Then we’re going to watch your favorite movie while we eat ice cream, standard pre-match ritual.”

I couldn’t help but smile because ever since I could remember, whether it be my brother or one of the Bella’s, they always spent a movie night in with me before one of our big matches. Now here was one of my biggest matches to date and all three of them were going to celebrate it with me. I love my little pack and couldn’t ask for a better family.

To my surprise even John Cena, Nikki’s Alpha, came to support our pack tradition. He really was a great addition and the love I saw between the two always inspired me and gave me hope that one day I would find a worthy Alpha.

The night went off without a hitch and even ended up with all of us in a puppy pile in the middle of the floor surrounded by pillows and blankets.

The one omega trait I could never seem to shake, even as a pup, was cuddling or puppy piling when I could convince the pack. I guess that’s why my parents thought I’d present as an Omega eventually. Most days I was either cuddled between one of the couples or koala beared on the back of one of my pack mates. It was just one of those quirks I was known for. I mean I’m the baby of the pack, what did they expect? This also earned me my nickname Babydoll which most people even outside my pack would called me. Hell, even Stephanie McMahon referred to me as Babydoll. It also didn’t help that that was also my in-ring persona. And while most people’s in ring personas were a complete 180 to real life. I was just me and I love it that way.

The morning of my debut was spent at the gym for a light training session with my big brother, making sure I had all my submission moves down to the letter. I even made him genuinely tap out a few times, which had my confidence through the roof.

The rest of the morning was spent getting coffee and getting to the performance arena in a timely manner. Being a newbie meant having to get there early so that Steph could give me a quick rundown of how tonight was going to go. I was thrilled when they told me, my match was going to be a tag team match with Sasha and I versus Charlotte and Dana. And to top it off I was slated to pin Charlotte in a submission move, my brother’s yes lock, for the win. To say I was nervous was an understatement.

After the rundown with Steph and the pleasantries exchanges with the girls I was carded off to The Bella’s dressing room for hair and makeup.

Being the baby of the pack had its perks, I was spoiled beyond belief. The girls’ excuses were always 'for my protection’. And to some extent I would agree. Being submerged into a new environment where pack dynamics are almost nonexistent, it’s hard to find your place. To top it off my sense of smell is not as sharp as it should be so I wasn’t able to sniff out the good from the bad.

So, I was totally fine with being sequestered to the Bella’s locker room it was safe and I felt protected there.

“Knock, Knock. Can I come in?” It was Sasha.

“Of course, girl. I just finished putting on the final touches to my makeup. How do I look?”

Sasha was one of the few people I knew from the main roster. We spent a lot of time together during developmental. During my time there we were practically attached at the hip. We were so close in fact, she knew my true presentation.

Sasha was a beta with an Alpha complex, basically she was chill until someone tried to mess with her friends because then all bets were off. I cherished our friendship and I missed her dearly when she was moved up the main roster. But now here we were together again and on the same brand!

The next thing I knew Sasha was suffocating me in a bone crushing hug. As I hugged her back with as much enthusiasm, a foreign smell hit my senses prompting me to ask, “Sash what is that smell? Are you wearing a new perfume?”

She looked at me strangely, “ No…. Why?”

“I’m not sure I just got a whiff of something, is all.”

“What do you mean? I thought you said your suppressants dull your sense of smell.”

“They do that’s why I was wondering. But never mind. I can’t believe I’m here! I finally made it! And I get my best friend back!”

“Oh, Babydoll you never lost me, you know that.” She said rubbing my back.

“Yea but this is different. I’m seeing you in the flesh. And now we get to hang out just like old times.”

Sasha and I spent our time catching each other up on certain things we missed in each other’s lives, everything from matches to romantic rendezvous.

“I can’t believe you actually went out with him (Y/N)! What happened to your rule of no Alphas unless he’s the Alpha!”

“Hey, I don’t regret it. Roman is amazing and besides I gained an amazing friend because of it!”

Even though I had a thing about staying away from most Alphas, something about Roman drew me in. Roman and I had been on a few dates together and he was an amazing kisser to say the least but we both realized really early on that we were just meant to be friends, almost like platonic soulmates. Even though I was losing hope on the whole true mate Alpha thing, I still didn’t want to give myself over to someone who wasn’t my Alpha. Both of us were so in tuned to one another it was crazy that we weren’t true mates. Best parts about Roman though was the fact that he was a great cuddle buddy and more often than not he would scent mark me so other asshole Alphas would stay away.

“I don’t care what you say I still ship it.”

I couldn’t help but stick my tongue out at my best friend more than anything, I was just glad to have her back.

“Okay, so if not Roman. I should ask. Do you still have that school girl crush on Braun?”

“OMG Sasha!” I shoved at her shoulder. I can’t believe she brought up the “Braun” thing.

“Ok first of all Sash it wasn’t a school girl crush. I merely wondered who he was. He’s the 'Monster among men’. Can you blame me?”

I had seen Braun once in my life but have never even spoken to him, while I have seen his matches and think he’s an amazing athlete. I’ve never even spoken two words to him.

I was in the states from a stint in Japan and I had promised Sasha I would visit. I was trying to hone my craft across seas while my best friend was training in the new NXT performance center of WWE. I was so proud of her and missed her like crazy so I stopped in Florida before going home to Arizona where I had stayed part time in with my brother, Bryan and his amazing wife Brie, in their new home. Even Josie their French Bulldog was one of my favorites.

That experience at the performance center was otherworldly, not because of “Braun” but just because it motivated me even more to make it to WWE. It was also the first time I met my Samoan superman of a best friend.

As I was kicking Sasha’s butt around the ring and trying to help hone her new submission move, the Banks Statement, I was also showing her possible opponent counters. What can I say I had made a name for myself as a submission specialist and grappler, having learned from all over the world. So, as I have her in a counter of a modified version of the black widow. Mind you I’m upside down. I see this amazing hulk of a man walking in and I nearly lose my breath. It wasn’t the size or stature, he didn’t hold himself menacingly. In fact, he looked quite sweet. His scent is what had me breathless, he must have felt me staring cause as he walked by us, we made eye contact. My heart nearly stopped right then and there. I immediately released my best friend not wanting to be seen in such a graceless state.

I couldn’t be more thankful for my scent blockers because damn did he scream Alpha. The fact that I could smell him was saying something.

Breaking eye contact I turn to make sure I didn’t pull back Sasha’s arm too bad.

“Hey girl you ok?”

“Yeah but what happened? You stopped before I could counter.”

I couldn’t help it when my eyes cut to Braun only for him to be looking back at me unashamed smiling sweetly instead of a typical douche smirk most men in general throw my way.

Blushing immediately I break eye contact but not before I see a damn smirk come into view and damn it if I didn’t actually like it.

Sasha caught the whole interaction even shaking her head at Braun who simply answered with a shrug.

“Babydoll, is there something you want to ask me?” Sasha asked fluttering her eyelashes in quick succession.

“Who’s that?” I muttered knowing full well she heard me.

“I’m sorry but you’re going to have to speak up, Baby.”

“You know what let’s forget it we have work to do my flight is tonight so I’m limited on time. Plus, I’m not gonna worry myself about someone I may never see again anyways.” I huffed trying to get back to sparring.

“Ok miss priss but his name is Braun Strowman and he a nice gentlemanly southern Alpha. But he’s with that bleach blonde over there starring daggers at your head. Her names Dana and she is one bitchy Beta with an omega complex.”

That explained a lot. While most betas took on a slight Alpha complex there were some, mainly women, who would take sort of an omega complex to seem more appealing to Alphas. Why? I had no idea, being an omega sucked sometimes, it’s why I take military grade suppressants.

“Like I said no time to worry about anyone but myself.”

And that’s how that conversation ended as you and Sasha started to spar again going back and forth between submissions and counters.

All the while a hulking Alpha looking on majorly impressed. And a bitchy blonde seething.

“Okay. Okay. Whatever you say. But! There is something I never got to tell you about that day.”

“What’s that?”

“After you left he came up to me and asked about you.”

Fighting my blush like my life depended on it I scoffed and said, “So what?”

“It’s so cute how you think you can fool me, you know that? Anyways…. he had asked me if you were an omega.”

My heart stopped upon hearing that. No one absolute no one should be able to sniff me out as an omega…. well except for my true mate….

I shook myself out of such dangerous thoughts.

“Sash how are you so relaxed about that and are now just telling me. You know there is no way in hell he should have been able to scent my placement.”

I look to my best friend trying to find some sense of understanding and then I see her light bulb go off.

“Omg! I never even thought of that (Y/N)! Omg stupid beta brain.”

“Wait so what did you say?” I asked panicked.

“I told him no that you were a Beta but he never did look quite convinced when I said that, come to think of it.”

“Sash what else, what else did he want to know?” I urged my best friend to talk faster.

“Nothing just who you were and where you were from, in fact he seemed real interested about you until Dana came sniffing around. I swear that girl needs a reality check.”

“I’m kinda freaking out here girl…. you don’t think…. this whole true mate thing is true, do you?”

“You’re seriously asking ME that?”

“I’m sorry I just …. idk I’m just really on the verge of a mental breakdown.”

A knock at the door broke me from my hysterics.

“Who’s that?!”

“Calm down girl, it’s probably just Roman. He asked where we were and I told him.”

As if he could fell my panic and was Superman to the rescue. I immediately felt a hundred times better even with the whole looming true mate business. Something about Roman just soothes my soul to its core. Before Sasha could get the door open I was bum rushing my Samoan Superman.

“Roman!” I squealed.

Pummeling into one of his bear hugs I totally took advantage, arms around the neck and legs around the waist practically gluing myself to his essence.

He just chuckled into the scent gland on my neck, expecting nothing less from me, kissing it before mumbling a quiet, “Hey Babygirl.” And I shivered at his touch.

“Ugh you guys need to get a room you’re disgusting.” Came from behind him the one and only Nikki Bella.

“Aww Nik why can’t I just borrow yours.”

“Eww no way I don’t want all of that rubbing up on all my shit.” She grimaced.

“Not all of it Nik. Just the couch, maybe the table right Roman?” I look up beaming with mischief as I stare into his beautiful gray eyes. Eyes that could calm any storm brewing within me.

“Behave, Babygirl.” He laughed swatting my butt in a reprimanding nature.

“Again eww.”

“Okay Nikki we get it but let the girl live she hasn’t seen him in months and tonight’s her debut.” Brie, always the voice of reason.

Roman walked us over to the awaiting couch, keeping me koala-beared to him, as the girls and Bryan all settled into the dressing room.

Making sure to cuddle as close to my Samoan teddy bear as possible I look to the twins and ask, “So how much longer until we need to head down to the gorilla?”

“They said they’d come and get us but I would say about 20-30 minutes.” Brie answered.

“Dang it and I just got comfortable.” I pouted towards Roman.

“No pouting baby girl.” He flicked my bottom lip, “You need to get up and get warm.”

Tucking into his neck further I mumbled, “But I am warm.”

“You know what I mean” he rumbled.

“Get that booty up and let’s get to stretching.” Nikki came and landed a swift smack on my butt for emphasis on her way out the doors with the others.

Relenting I looked towards Roman, “Scent me for good luck?”

“Of course, baby girl but wait til we get to gorilla okay?”

“Fine.” I pouted.

“Why are you in such a pouting mood babe? It’s your debut, you should be over the moon!”

“I am! I just missed you Ro and I don’t know I’m nervous as hell. Like I just want to curl up in a ball and demand that you hold me.”

“As appealing as that sounds… that’s gonna have to wait until later.” He replies leaving a lingering kiss to my temple.

“Love you,” he whispered as he pulled back.

“I love you too Superman.”

What no one knew about me and Roman was we were sort of more than just friends, while it never went past making out physically there was a deep and intense emotional bond. In fact, a couple years back I made a pact with him if I didn’t find my true mate by my Birthday of this year I would start a mate ship with him and eventually let him claim me as his omega.

It wasn’t an uncommon thing in our world many betas had mate ships with Alphas and many omegas took Alphas that were not considered their true mate.

Unfortunately, many of those omegas would find their true mate Years down the line and make things very complicated within pack dynamic. Trying to live without your true mate once you found them was like living without half of yourself. And that was a fate I’d hope to never face. While Roman was not my true mate I knew deep within my soul I could not live without him. Why, I may never know and with this whole Braun issue I was really scared that I would have to learn how to live without him sooner rather than later.

“Babygirl? You ok in there?” Roman asked, tapping me on my forehead for emphasis.

“Something on your mind?”

“Nothing just thinking. I’m scared.” I whimpered into his neck.

“Scared of what babe? The match? You’re gonna do great. It’s in your blood.” He reassured while rubbing my back.

“Not about that. About us…”

“What about us? We’re good and in six months we will be even better.”

“A lot can happen in six months! What if I find him and then I’ll lose you forever. I can’t lose you Ro. I know you’re not my true mate but we are connected on a soul level and I-I…” I couldn’t stop the tears that broke through that time.

“Shhh hey Babygirl. Listen to me I’m not going anywhere. Yes, a lot can happen in six months. But the one thing you will never have to worry about is losing me.” Gently he leaned down and started kissing my tears away making sure to leave one lasting and loving wet kiss on my lips.

“Promise?”

“Promise. I love you Babygirl, more than my own life.”

“I love you too Superman. To the moon and back.”

“Good now let’s go we can’t keep everyone waiting, now can we?”

“I suppose not.” I giggled into his chest. Before getting up and catching everyone near the gorilla I caught Roman by the scruff of his neck and kissed the breath out of him. I made sure to make it count because in my gut I knew it could be one of our lasts.

“Babygirl…” Roman panted, “What was that?”

“What was what?” I answered cheekily, giving one more quick kiss before rushing out to catch up with my friends and family but not before I heard Roman say, “You little minx. You’re going to be the death of me.”

#wwe imagine #wwe fanfiction #Braun Strowman imagine #Braun Strowman x reader #roman reigns imagine #roman reigns x reader #alpha Roman #alpha Braun #omega reader #abo dynamics #wwe smut #my writing

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yuurisnice · 8 years ago

Text

Unraveling

Title: Unraveling Summary: Dan knew he was different from other children very early on. He never lost his 'imaginary friends', they only became a more integral part of his life. Living with his illness is never easy and with a secret as large as his, cracks are bound to appear. While he isn't ashamed of his DID, he knows the consequences of telling the wrong people. Word Count: 21k Warnings: Smoking, mention of drug use, drinking, mentions of past trauma, anxiety

A/N: I’m really sorry to everyone on mobile because read mores don’t work and this is long af. This fic is my actual child and I’m so happy with how it turned out. So much time and research went into this fic. I wanted it to be as medically accurate as possible. I got the inspiration of this fic when I stumbled upon a youtuber named Jess who posts videos about her DID. She and all of her alters are amazing and I just want everyone to know their story and learn that DID isn’t scary like the media makes it out to be. Also huge shout out to @phansdick and @theinsanityplays for listening to me complain about my inability to do this topic justice and for giving me ideas when I was in a rut. And I can’t forget the amazing @moonlitdan for being a lovely beta. If there are any inaccuracies with this fic, please let me know so I can change them! That was a really long author’s note. Okay. Enjoy!

Read on AO3!

Dan only remembered very brief moments in his life where he didn’t have alters. In fact, there’s only a handful of memories, enough that he could count them on one hand. As early as six he remembers playing with Evelyn, having her guide him through the nights. He didn’t know why, it happened or when it started, and he still could not access the reasons behind his disorder. All he knew was that his alters protected him and that was more than enough reasoning for him. It couldn't have been pleasant if his mind had to split into pieces in order to get through.

Evelyn was his best friend. She was there for him through thick and thin. At nights when the threat of the monster coming out from under the bed was strong, Evelyn would rock him to sleep. She would make sure that he went to bed at a reasonable time and woke up early enough to get ready for school. She kept him fed and clean, she helped him with his homework and made sure he paid attention in class. She would hold his hand as they crossed the street and if someone gave Dan what they used to call the ‘heebie jeebies’, Evelyn would take over until she could get Dan to safety.

Dan would insist on setting a place for Evelyn at the dinner table and for a short while his parents went along with it. After all, all children have imaginary friends until they grow up and make real friends. But time went on, Dan got older, and Evelyn stayed right by his side.

When Dan was eight, he started getting notices sent home about his ‘overactive imagination’. His parents and teachers would have conferences where seeing a specialist of childhood development was mentioned. Children were meant to lose their imaginary friends as they got older, but Dan’s relationship with Evelyn only seemed to strengthen.

Still, Dan’s parents didn’t want to admit there was a problem. They were content to live in a bubble where Dan would one day leave his ‘friend’ behind and go on to be a functioning member of society. This denial of the issues led to Kaleb.

For the remainder of his childhood into his teen years, Dan’s parents would make snide comments fully believing themselves to be constructive.

“Haven’t heard from Evelyn in a fair few days. She finally disappear or did she just take a mini vacation?’

“When are you going to grow up and drop this imaginary friend bullshit?”

“The two of you were inseparable, did you have a fight or something?”

“Honey, Dan’s just seeking attention. If we ignore this ‘Evelyn’ stuff, it will go away’.

Dan grew uncomfortable talking about Evelyn to the point where he just stopped mentioning her in front of people. Between the two of them, they decided that around people who knew Dan, Evelyn wouldn’t act like Evelyn, but she would do her best Dan Howell impression. People started to buy it and they lived comfortably for years.

It was when Dan was twelve that he discovered a new person in his head. He didn’t even know they existed for a fair few weeks.

Dan was getting in trouble more often than not, both at home and at school. Things would get broken that Dan didn’t remember breaking. Notes from teachers would go missing; notes that Dan didn’t even remember getting. He would come to in the middle of the night standing in the middle of his childhood park, stuck to find his way home and sneak into the house.

Every time his parents reprimanded him, he would say the same thing.

I don’t remember, it wasn’t me.

He started to turn his back on Evelyn, convinced that she was the one who was ruining his life. He’d spent his entire life trusting her with his body so why wouldn’t she take it for some joyrides? Afterall, Dan knew she had her own separate will so it wasn’t an impossible theory.

Three long weeks he spent ignoring Evelyn, starting to believe his parents when they said that if he ignored the problem it would go away. That perhaps there wasn’t even a problem to begin with. Perhaps it was just in his head.

This operation clearly didn’t work out too well and it all came to a head when he got home from school one day.

“Dan. Who is Kaleb?” Dan’s mother asked with a bite in her tone. Her hands were on her hips while his father sat quietly in a nearby rocking chair.

Dan, who had never once heard that name before in his life tried to wrack his brain. Was Kaleb another kid at his school? Did something happen to this Kaleb that he should be made aware of? What did this Kaleb do and why did it anger his parents so?

“I don’t know. Who’s Kaleb?” Dan asked, trying to work together an incomplete puzzle.

His parents didn’t answer. Instead his mother shoved a note into his hands and stormed off into the kitchen where loud clanking of dishes could be heard.

“Just go to your room, son. I think your mother and I need some time to process. We’ll be in shortly.” His dad didn’t move from his seat, still hadn’t looked at Dan since he came home, so Dan simply did as he was told.

With a slump of his upper body, Dan dragged himself upstairs, down the hall and into his room. Inside was a mix of things that most people wouldn’t think went together. There were black sheets and covers. The walls were a dark brown with little stick-on flower petals on every wall. There were baby dolls left over from his younger days and his childhood bear he slept with every night. His legos were in a box in the corner and he had a tv with a basic gaming console attached.

Dan dropped his bag onto his messy desk, Evelyn had refused to straighten up until Dan apologized, and headed straight for his bed. He had been hoping for a nap after the stressful day he’d had at school but his mind was now preoccupied with the note held between his hands. As he got comfortable on the bed he unfolded the paper and started to read.

Dear Mr and Mrs. Howell,

It has come to my attention that Daniel has been having far more outbursts than normal. He is unusually chaotic and distracting to his fellow students. He will refuse to do his work and insist on being called ‘Kaleb’. At first we believed it to be just another phase but after consulting with the school psychologist we no longer believe this to be normal pre-teen behaviour.

While we cannot force you to seek outside assistance for your child, we will need to set up a meeting to see what can be done about this disruptive behaviour. If it continues on at its current pace, we will be forced to take action and move Daniel to a class better suited to his needs.

Please call at your earliest convenience to set up an appointment with the school psychologist and Daniel’s guidance counselor. I will also be in attendance as well as Daniel’s teacher.

I do hope we can find a solution to this that will be beneficial to everyone.

Sincerely,

Principal Edwin Macafee

Dan read over the letter several times, trying to get a grasp on what the contents really were saying. He got his answer on what his parents were referring to when they mentioned Kaleb, but it wasn’t another student, it was him.

Without noticing, Dan started crying. It wasn’t a normal cry, but a full on sob. He couldn’t remember. He didn’t know that he had been doing so poorly. He was a good student, a good person. Evelyn made sure of that but for once, even Evelyn couldn’t protect him.

For the longest time after that meltdown, Dan’s parents still stayed in denial. It wasn’t until he was fifteen that they agreed it was time to seek outside help.

Dan had started to lose more and more time, not able to recollect entire conversations, classes, even people. It got to the point where Dan wasn’t Dan for days at a time. His alters would step forward more often than not, letting Dan retreat into a safe place in his mind.

He was taken to his normal doctor who recommended a therapist to him. After two months on the waiting list, he finally got an appointment.

Dr. Kayla Longburg was a middle aged woman who specialized in childhood depression and anxiety. Throughout the first couple of sessions she had diagnosed Dan with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He didn’t agree with the diagnosis, but having a name to his experiences was enough for him to go along with it.

He saw Dr. Longburg once a week, every thursday afternoon for two years. Somewhere along the way he was put on medicine to help ease his symptoms, but they didn’t help. He still lost time. There were still days where he wasn’t Dan. He still had Evelyn help him to sleep at night and Kaleb was still a little shit to everyone he met.

It wasn’t until Evelyn came out during a session that things started to change.

Before that time, Dan’s alters stayed hidden. Kaleb insisted that it was best to hide them away, act as though they weren’t as big in his lives as they were. Even Evelyn, who was generally the level headed one, was concerned that if anyone knew there were others living within Dan, the doctors and Dan’s parents would do everything in their power to ‘kill’ the alters.

During one session, Dr. Longburg was trying to get Dan to speak about his early childhood. She believed getting to the root of his issues would solve them. To speak about the trauma would bring light to his illness and perhaps start to believe them. Instead, with each insistence that Dan could remember if he tried hard enough, panic built up.

Dan knew he was going to switch before it happened. He got light headed and felt as though all of the energy was drained from his body. It felt like he was fighting against himself just to stay alive, and in some ways he was. As the panic built, the headache grew and Dan didn’t want to fight anymore. His eyes glazed over and he felt himself falling into his inner world.

Evelyn stepped out and this was the first time that Dan could see and hear what Evelyn could. The doctor caught on to the change in Dan’s body language, no longer hunched over himself but instead sat up straight as an arrow. His hands uncurled themselves and sat calmly in his lap.

“Dan does not remember and Dan does not remember for good reason. Stop prying. It’s hard to protect him when you’re making him think about the very thing that caused this.” Evelyn’s voice was strong, there was not a single stutter or hesitation and the words rang proudly through Dan’s ears. It was okay because Evelyn was here.

“Dan there’s no need to talk in third person.” The doctor replied after a moment of composure. It was evident that she was shocked by the outburst. In the entire two years she’d been with Dan, she’d never once seen him act this way.

“I’m not Dan. Why can’t anyone get that through their heads? Dan is not here. You forced him to retreat. You forced me to come out. You hurt him and that hurts me.” Evelyn stood her ground, giving up the very information the system swore to keep labeled top secret.

“If you are not Dan,” The Doctor started slowly, stopping herself mid sentence to jot a million things down on the notepad laid in her lap. “If you are not Dan then to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?”

“I’m Evelyn and the pleasure is all yours.”

It took a few more sessions before Dan was officially diagnosed with DID, or Dissociative Identity disorder. His therapist brought it up a few sessions after the Evelyn outburst and suddenly things clicked for Dan. While it was a thrilling and relieving moment learning about what DID was and connecting the dots between the disorder and his own life, it was a short lived victory. Dan’s therapist decided that what would be best for Dan was moving on to a more qualified therapist, one who understood DID and could teach Dan how to work with his diagnosis.

While he wasn’t the biggest fan of Dr. Longburg, he had grown accustomed to seeing her. She was abandoning him. He was no longer good enough for her to treat.

While that day was one of his happiest, it was also the first and only time Dr. Longburg would see Kaleb, who did not take the news lightly.

Dan transitioned, but unlike what happened with Evelyn, he had no way of knowing what was happening in the outside world. He could only fill in by what his therapist and his parents told him.

His parents had to be called in, Dan’s father doing his best to restrain Kaleb in an attempt to calm him down. He kicked and screamed and tried his best to run away from the situation, but no one would let him.

After Kaleb calmed down enough for everyone to talk, Dr. Longburg calmly explained what was the cause of the outburst, what a transition was and what the game plan would be from there on out. They were reassured that what Dan had was a real disorder and that this was not to be mistaken as childhood imagination.

His new therapist wasn’t as nice as Dr. Longburg, but he was much more well versed in the issues Dan faced. Unlike his old sessions, his new ones were not based around recollecting his past trauma. Instead, he learned about his illness, why it occurred, how it works, and how it helps him.

For the first time in Dan’s life, he didn’t feel crazy when he talked about his alters. He didn’t feel like they were a dirty secret to hide. He described each in detail and Dr. Patterson compiled a list of their duties and personalities. They were able to pinpoint the reasons why each alter came out and Dan could begin to see a theme. By getting to know his alters and their roles, he could foresee a transition far sooner than he used to.

Evelyn was the protector. She grew up alongside him, aging at the same rate as Dan. Any time Dan felt threatened by his environment, she would take over to protect the system from any harm. She was kind and outgoing. She knew how to soothe any ailments and how to make sure the system kept moving. She made sure the alters got along as well as they could, and Dan kept the body healthy.

Kaleb was the persecutor of the system and even though for most of the time Dan knew Kaleb he did not like him, he started to come around and see his strengths rather than the flaws. Kaleb was brash and outspoken. He loved to party and could smoke up to a pack a day. He was flirtatious and possibly had a mild obsession with sex. Kaleb was diagnosed with Depression while Dan had not been.

On top of learning about his alters and their purposes, he learned that keeping a set schedule and allowing each alter to have their time with the body was key to living as normal a life as he could. An entire month of sessions was dedicated to the co-consciousness Dan would sometimes experience and how he could use these moments to find out his alters’ hopes and dreams.

Collectively, with the aid of Dr. Petterson, Dan and his alters formed a halfway decent schedule that made time for each person.They would have a bedtime of 1am and wake up at 9am. Evelyn would be able to come out in the mornings, taking care of Dan’s medications and keeping order throughout the system. Kaleb could have a few nights to go out, getting a chance to be the social butterfly he was and blow off some steam in less destructive ways than before. And Dan was left to be Dan the rest of the time.

He started to keep a journal to help piece together the times he was in his head. The alters came up with a note leaving system as well. There was a white board hung in his room with different coloured magnets attached. Each colour was assigned to a different alter, black was Dan, blue was Kaleb and orange was Evelyn. They would leave notes to each other, filling them in on their responsibilities of the day and little tidbits to fill in the gaps. He wasn’t usually able to recall the times when his alters were out, but by asking those around him and making a detailed collection of the notes passed between, he was able to keep a level head.

Together the system found a way to work and it worked a long while until Max came along.

The day Dan turned twenty, Max made his debut. Dan decided on his twentieth birthday not to continue with his higher education. He reached a breaking point with the stress the workload put on not only him, but the rest of the alters.

Kaleb had never been a huge fan of education, if his first few months taking over Dan’s body was any indication. On nights when Dan had exams worth most of his grade to revise for, Kaleb would take the body and get close to blackout drunk. Dan would wake up in some random person's bed with a killer hangover. He was left to deal with the missed exam.

Evelyn also wasn’t taking kindly to University. Even though she was the most organized of the bunch, Dan relied on her more often than not to make it through the school week. The pressure got to her and it got to the point where even she didn’t want to get out of bed.

So on his birthday, after downing an entire bottle of wine, Dan sent in his resignation to the University. After hitting send, Dan floated away.

He woke up on a swing in the playground of his University's child development center. There was a man from campus security standing before him, demanding that he leave at once. Dan slowly stood up on his feet and the man followed alongside him as they walked out of the park.

“I just need a few more things to put in the report before I can let you go.” The officer said, taking out a pad of paper and jotting down a few things. “You said your name is Max and you just wanted to ‘play’. You also told me you were nine years old but we all know that’s a load of bullshit.”

The name Max pulled Dan from his daze and sobered him up. He’d never heard the name Max before, but with his track record, it wasn’t impossible.

After giving the man the correct information and doing his best to explain the situation, he was left to walk back to his flat on his own. He spent the rest of that night trying to figure out who Max was and why his brain felt the need to split for a third time.

Dan moved home shortly after his new alter made his appearance. Through the help of his parents’ insight and his therapist’s aid, he learned that Max was a child alter, a mere age of nine. He was a trauma-free alter, a way for Dan to let go of the stress in his life. He loved trains and days out at the park, and colouring books could occupy him for hours on end.

Back in his old room, he made a corner to put Max’s things in. There was a craft table and a growing collection of matchbox cars. Whenever his mum would go out shopping, she would almost always come home with some kind of toy for Max. She had taken an odd liking to the boy, taking care of him and keeping him safe at all times.

For a year Dan stayed at home, relearning how to handle having three alters living inside him. The schedule they had all grown fond of had to be changed and rearranged to fit Max’s needs in.

When Dan was 21, he felt like he had enough control over his life and his routine that he could make the jump out of his parents home and into his own flat. Sure, he’d lived on his own before, but that was just University housing and it hadn’t afforded his alters the freedom they deserved as well.

His biggest deterrent against moving out wasn’t the act of living on his own, but finding a job.

Although illegal to deny or fire someone for a mental illness, it wasn’t unlikely that it would happen. Dan had read plenty of stories of people who tried to be honest with employers and found themselves unemployed not a short time after. Or there was simply too many times where a person called off due to the dissociation, and they were fired.

After telling his parents that he wanted to be on his own, and after hours of reassuring his mother that he had things under control, they all kept an eye out for any possible job openings around.

His father, a set designer for a local tv network, had heard about an opening for an editing position in a publishing company that was frequently in touch with the network. At first, Dan didn’t think he had a shot considering he didn’t finish University and he didn't go for an English degree while he was there. Still, his parents insisted that he apply since the worst that would happen was a ‘no’, while the best outcome was a new job.

He found himself traveling north for an interview with the main branch in Manchester. His mum wanted to go with, but he declined her offer, feeling as though it would make him more nervous if his mother was waiting outside the building.

He went in with very low expectations, better to assume the worst than to hope for the best, but to his delight, he found the potential boss to actually like him.

The woman’s name was Cynthia Moss, department head of the third floor that dealt with editing and marketing. They got along well, Dan nailing every question she threw at him and even making her laugh a few times. He didn’t stumble or overthink until she asked why he decided to drop out of University.

With a deep breath, he explained.

While Dan knew the risks of being upfront with the employer about his life, and there was no legal reason for him to have to disclose it, it felt more comfortable telling his job to ensure he was getting the best possible accommodations that he needed. Not to mention he didn’t want to work for a company that didn’t value him as an employee just because he had a disadvantage.

He didn’t go into too much detail, choosing not to disclose what his illness was, but explained how he had it mostly under control save for the few days when unexpected occurrences arose.

He grit his teeth, fearing that the interview would come to a halt then and there, ready to give one last handshake and take his leave, but Cynthia didn’t even bat an eyelash.

No. She went on to explain how his salary would be significantly lower than if he had a degree and also told him that if hired, the company would help him to finish his schooling at whatever pace he wanted to take it at, if he so desired.

When he walked out of the building and rung his mother, he never thought he’d be able to hear the happiness in her voice when he told her he had a second interview the next day with the department head and her boss.

A few months later, he was moving to Manchester. His editing job afforded him a two bedroom flat with which him and his alters could live comfortably. It took an entire weekend and a small truck to take everything he’d stockpiled over the years, but at the end he had a place to call his own.

Many people would come to ask why Dan rented a two bedroom flat when he was the only one living there, but he still didn’t understand how to explain that just because there was one body doesn’t mean there wasn’t 4 people collecting and storing stuff.

Dan opted for the smaller of the two rooms, instead choosing to put a curtain up in the middle of the bigger room, deeming one half Evelyn’s side and one half Kalebs. There they could store their own wardrobes, books, stuffed animals, movies, ect. Having their own separate space was important to each alter and, in turn, the system. While Dan’s room was a simple black and grey colour scheme with little toys and mementos scattered about, his alters were completely different from his personal taste.

Evelyns side was decked out in pretty flowers on the windowsill and posters of boy bands covering every square inch of the walls. Two large bookcases were overflowing next to a quiet little book nook area that was once the closet. There was plenty of lighting, several lamps and fairy lights making the space appear bright and open. An ipod was attached to a small speaker, allowing for music to softly play without being too overbearing on the ambiance.

Kaleb’s side was darker, as dark as it could be with a simple black out curtain separating him from Evelyn’s light. Heavy metal band posters were strung up haphazardly, and an impressive stereo system complete with a turntable was the staple piece of the room. Records and cd’s were scattered about, a bookshelf left nearly empty where they should be contained. An ashtray sat on the windowsill of his side because even though he knew there was no smoking allowed in the flat and Evelyn would yell at him nearly every time, Kaleb would be damned if he was taking the elevator down 17 flights just to have a quick smoke.

Because Max was a relatively new alter, Dan set up a playroom of sorts in the lounge rather than splitting the spare room into threes. Where a dining room table should go stood a complex toy train rail system. The rug on the floor, rather than a boring shade of black was one with roadways and buildings drawn on, the perfect area to play with matchbox cars. An end table was filled with arts and crafts supplies, colouring books and markers, paints, beads, glue, popsicle sticks, you name it. And tucked away in the corner was a small bookshelf filled with space magazines and education workbooks.

The four of them managed to make a life together. Learning how to make time for most of everyone’s needs and prioritizing Dan’s job above most else. As Evelyn would put it, if Dan isn’t able to go to work, no one in the system would be able to afford the life that allows each to have pieces of their inner world. Max didn’t want to starve to death, Kaleb didn’t want to imagine not being able to afford his alcohol, Evelyn didn’t want to attempt to deal with finances that had no incoming paychecks and Dan, Dan just wanted some semblance of independence. They made it work. Things were going just fine until one day, when Dan met someone who would eventually become very special to him.

Dan had spent most of his life believing his disorder would force him to spend his life alone. He didn’t talk to many people outside of his family and the few coworkers he liked. He didn’t know how to make friends as well as Evelyn or Kaleb seemed to. He kept to himself and played it off like that was how he liked it. How could he be lonely with 3 other people sharing his head? Really he’d just never found anyone he thought he could trust not to walk out with his secret in tow.

It had seemed like just another day. Dan sat at his desk reading over an outline for a new potential novel. He found himself reading the words without really reading, so in an attempt to give his mind a quick break, he happened to glanced up. Just at that moment, a man in a navy blue button down and striped tie walked past, headed towards the elevators. Dan was transfixed as he’d never seen the man before in the office. As much as he wanted to look away before the man could lock eyes with him, he could hear Kaleb pestering in his ear ‘just like two more seconds, just let me look for two more seconds’.

Those two seconds were worth it when the two men finally locked eyes. Dan could see piercing blue eyes, slightly drowned out by the uncomplimentary colour of the shirt, but the strands of black hair grazing the man’s forehead still allowed them to pop. Dan realized he had been caught staring, and in response, a deep blush crept across his cheeks. The elevator doors opened and the man stepped inside alongside the boss of the fourth floor. Just before the door closed and Dan retreated back to the safe haven of his computer screen, the man gave a soft smile to Dan which sent tingles through his entire body.

Dan didn’t see the man again at work for several days. He attempted to tell himself that he wasn’t actively looking, but Evelyn wasn’t afraid to call him out on his bullshit. Dan asked around to the few people he was semi-friendly with, attempting to learn anything about the man he saw for all of thirty seconds. No one could lend him any leads until the man suddenly reappeared on the floor one random day. Dan tried his best to appear nonchalant with his stares, but he wasn’t the most graceful man in the world.

Dan watched closely as the blue eyed babe walked over to one of his coworker’s computers and started to mess around with some software. In that moment, it was like every piece had placed together. The man took the elevator up to the top floor which held the IT department, which would explain why the department head was accompanying him. Most likely getting a tour of his new job and was just seeing where he would be working.

After that revelation, Dan tried to ‘break’ his computer quite regularly. He did stupid things like hide the taskbar or ‘delete’ the internet (aka move the chrome icon on the desktop into the trash bin). Everything he did was a simple fix, something his desk neighbour could just pop on and fix in a matter of seconds, not without reminding Dan that he should really learn better computer skills if he was to make his living with one. It got to the point where the alters were itching to come out just to nudge Dan into the man’s direction. While none of them particularly felt the way Dan did about this man, they could clearly see (or hear) how much Dan needed companionship.

This led to Kaleb, who never wanted to make an appearance at work simply because he hated the idea of working, to step forward and take the reigns. He walked into the break room to fill up Dan’s coffee mug, ignoring the few people who said hello to Dan along the way. He made his way back to Dan’s desk, but instead of sitting down, he pretended to trip over his own feet, something Dan would believably do, dropping the coffee all over the desk and consequently the computer.

Kaleb smiled at his work and retreated back to his inner world. Dan’s eyes glazed over and he swayed back and forth before finally coming to and looking at the mess before him. A string of curse words left his mouth, looking around in desperation for anything to mop up the spill with. The two people closest to him lept up from their seats and ran to the break room to grab some napkins. It was as Dan was doing his best to wipe up the spill that the computer screen turned a bright blue. He was fucked.

Someone else on the floor called IT and within minutes the dark haired man was on his knees, leaning under the desk to get a better look at the damage.

“I really don’t know what went wrong. I just. I’m such a clutz, I guess. I stumbled and just fell and, shit, I really can’t afford to replace this machine jesus fucking christ.” Dan started shaking, trying his best to calm down his breathing. He knew that when he started to feel panic, Evelyn would take over and that was really the last thing he wanted. Not when the man was finally in front of him.

“It’s fine. I doubt they’d make you pay for it. I’m pretty sure they’ve got insurance and stuff to cover small accidents like these. And if they don’t, just say there was something on the floor that you tripped on.” After fiddling with the wires, unplugging the computer, and waiting for it to boot back up, the man stood up and sat down in Dan’s desk chair. He spun around so that he could face Dan, and suddenly Dan’s nerves were slightly calmed, just by the man’s eyes.

“As someone who works in the IT department and has seen the feed from those security cameras, they wouldn’t know the difference.” The man seemed to catch himself on his words, taking a moment as if to consider changing the direction in which his ideas were flowing out. He pointed up to the nearest camera, shifting the gaze to the object instead. “That one is the only one near your desk and it doesn't have your desk in view. They couldn’t catch you in the lie.”

Dan had to admit that the knowledge made him feel somewhat safer, but he was never one to get away with a lie save for the lies due to his DID. The guilt would always eat away at him until Kaleb came out to tell the harsh truth. It made for a shitty time in secondary school when his parents would ask where he’d been all night and three days later he was grounded because ‘someone’ told that Dan had been at a party rather than studying late.

“While that seems tempting, I think I’d rather just pay for it. Keep a clean conscious and all.” A blush crept onto Dan’s cheeks knowing that he seemed a tad bit like an innocent child rather than an adult. Or perhaps too adult, like a stuck up adult who thought he was better for not being able to lie.

“Good choice. I don’t think I could do it myself.” The computer started making a whirring noise, catching the man’s attention away from Dan. He spun around and started to fiddle around with the machine. Dan tried to focus on the clacking on the keyboard rather than the demons in his mind. He needed to stay present.

The man messed around with the computer for at least ten minutes, Dan sitting idly by and hoping that he at least remembered to save the last of his work before his dissociation. He didn’t need to be reamed out for breaking a computer and missing a deadline.

“So I think the thing is pretty much fried.” Phil glanced over his shoulder to take a better look at Dan, subtly looking him up and down before continuing on. “If you wanna help me take it upstairs so I can see if there’s a way to fix it, I can loan you out a laptop in the meantime.”

The man started to unplug and disconnect the computer, glancing at Dan in an attempt to get some assistance. Together they managed to dismantle the computer and begin to carry it towards the elevators, Phil holding the tower and Dan with the screen and wires. It was a silent walk, but Dan’s mind was starting to go off the wire. He didn’t usually tend to have co-consciousness with this alters but this was unfortunately one of the moments the entire system decided they needed to speak.

“Dan don’t just stand there! At least ask his name or something. You’ve been trying to get this guys attention for weeks; just ask!” Evelyn's voice grated through the air followed by Kaleb who so graciously said, “Man even I’m excited about the prospect of this guy. Have you seen the man’s bulge? He’s gotta be packin and I haven’t gotten laid in weeks.”

Evelyn covered Max’s ears, reprimanding Kaleb for his brashness around the child. Max’s take on the situation was far more innocent.

“He’s gottsa panda pin, Danny! He’s gottsa panda pin! They’re my favourite ooh, do you think he likes trains? I wonder if he’d play trains with me like Evelyn does!”

All of the alters continued to talk at the same time, trying and failing to get their thoughts across and heard. Dan started to get a headache from all of the commotion and when the elevator opened, Dan quickly walked inside and instantly leaned against the cool metal wall. He tried to play it off like he was tired from carrying the nearly weightless computer screen, but his eyes scrunched up tight and his face began to lose its colour. It wasn’t long before the man happened to take notice.

“Hey. Hey man, are you okay?” Dan could only make out the soundwaves and couldn’t really grasp onto the words that were being thrown his way. The man sat the tower down on the ground and stood in front of Phil, starting to take the things from Dan’s hands. “Do you need to sit down or something? Not to sound harsh but you don’t look so good.”

The alters continued to talk, Kaleb and Evelyn now taking to fighting with each other over the content of Kaleb’s thoughts. Max was starting to cry, hating to see the closest thing he had to parents fighting. It became too much for Dan to handle and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He registered that he started leaning forward into the man and the last thing he heard before leaving the conscious world was, “Hey, it’s Phil. Can you hear me? Focus on my voice. Stay with me okay? I got you.” Everything went dark with the name Phil ringing throughout his head.

Dan didn’t really know how to explain the times when he wasn’t in control. His mind felt like it was trapped in an unlocked house. It was like he could escape if he wanted to but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t come up with the energy to do so. Sometimes the house had fun things to do like a computer or some books. Lately it had a tv where he could see what appeared to be recaps of the life his alters were living while Dan was gone, even then his time away felt like a distant memory that rings a bell but doesn’t open up any doors of insight.

Dan relied on context clues and others’ stories to help piece together what happened in the time he was away. His mum used to keep a journal of the things Dan’s alters did and said to see if it would help jog Dan’s memory later. It never helped, but it did fill in Dan’s planner, used to keep track of lost time. Dan was used to waking up in strange places, lying next to strange people he wouldn’t normally touch with a ten foot pole. Once he even woke up in a completely different country. But by far the weirdest place he ever came to was a coffee shop with Phil walking towards him.

He glanced around, trying to find out anything about where he was, why he was there and how he got there. A look outside showed that it was bright out, meaning it had to have been around midday. The coffee shop was full of people, much more than would be there midday on a weekday. He frantically padded down his pockets trying to find where his phone was, but it wasn’t anywhere to be found. He hoped an alter just forgot to take it with and didn’t leave it behind somewhere.

“Are you okay?” Phil, who was holding two cups in his hands, put a coffee down and pushed it across the table to Dan. His eyes were crinkled slightly in confusion but a huge smile was plastered on his face nonetheless. He wasn’t dressed in his normal business casual attire that was required at the office. Instead he had on a fox jumper and glasses that framed his face.

Dan looked back and forth between Phil and the coffee before tentatively bringing it up to his lips. He took one sip and wanted nothing more than to spit it back out. There was far too much cream in it. It was sickeningly sweet instead of harsh with a hint of sugar. It was Evelyn’s go-to pick and already he could begin to understand what he was doing here.

Even if he tried his best to pretend that he loved the drink Phil handed him, the aftertaste left in his mouth was just a little too much to keep the look of disgust off of his face. He couldn’t help but feel responsible for the drop in Phil’s happy expression, choosing to take another sip and overdramatize his love of it.

“I can tell you don’t like it. I told them exactly what you said. Half cream and 4 sugars. Is it not sweet enough?” Dan started to laugh at Phil’s joke until he realized that it wasn’t a joke at all. He was actually concerned that the baristas didn’t put enough overkill sugar in his drink. Phil was already halfway out of his chair, gently reaching across to take the drink if need be.

“Oh no, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Dan gave a small smile, really not wanting to burden Phil with any extra tasks. Not to mention, if he gave a completely different order to the one he held in his hands, Phil could get suspicious. “I don’t think it’s the drink. Maybe my body just isn’t feeling the sugar like I thought it would. It’s okay, though. It’s still good.” To highlight his point he took another sip, making sure to think pleasing thoughts as he did.

“If you say so, but I really don’t mind getting you what you want. There’s no use in drinking something you don’t like.” Phil sat back down in the chair and finally took a sip of his own coffee. Dan wanted to ask what Phil had ordered, wanted to know how he took his coffee, but didn’t, for fear that him and Evelyn already discussed that.

They sat in silence for a while, just calmingly taking sips of their drinks every so often. Dan was looking around, still trying to piece together the fragments of time, and Phil just kept his eyes trained on Dan. It was like he was trying to figure out a puzzle himself, and Dan didn’t want that. Phil was looking at him as if something was different in the air, suspicious already, so Dan put a stop to that as soon as he could.

“What day is it? I keep thinking it’s Thursday.” Dan broke the silence, trying to seem as though he just casually forgot the day rather than forgetting his existence for a short while. And it was true. The last Dan remembered it was a thursday afternoon and he was waiting on an elevator.

“It’s Sunday. I’d of thought you’d know that, considering you made sure we made plans after you went to church.” A soft chuckle escaped from Phil’s lips, but it was light and airy. No sign of hostility that Dan was looking for.

Church meant Evelyn had taken Max to sunday school. Usually Dan would wake up early on Sundays and walk to the church a few blocks from his flat. While all of the older alters and Dan considered themselves on some scale of agnostic, Max was a big believer in faith. Dan liked to think it was the remnants of the few memories he had of his grandmother taking him to church and then out for ice cream when he was younger.

“Oh yeah. Days seem to run together sometimes, you know. You ever have that, where you can’t remember if what you did that morning was really that morning?” Dan laughed off his explanation, knowing that was a thing that happened to all people, not just those with a mental illness. Phil had to have experienced that at least once in his life and it should be enough to keep him off Dan’s tracks for a little while.

“Yeah. I get what you mean. I actually got fired once because I didn’t show up to work. I still swear to this day that it was a Saturday but apparently doing a no call no show on the busiest friday morning is a huge no no.” Phil’s voice was soft and reminiscent. It was nice. Dan didn’t get to do that typically without an alter stepping forward. Many of the memories he had just weren’t his to have. “You don’t strike me as a church person. I never would have guessed that from the way you were talking last night about how the point of life is to have fun and not live in fear of the unknown.”

Dan’s body became rigid, stopping mid sip to take in the information. This wasn’t the first time him and Phil were seeing each other outside of work. How many other times had there been? Had it really only been three days or was it a week since he’d been out last? His longest streak was two and a half weeks, so it’s entirely possible. He tried to rack his brain for any ideas on what they could have done yesterday, but nothing came to mind and for once in his life, his mind was seemingly all to himself.

“Oh uh. Yeah I’m not too big on it, I guess. I like to go just to have a kind of routine? I used to go when I was younger and it’s just kinda stuck, in a way.” The excuse fell flat, not nearly as convincing as his earlier story, but he didn’t have much time to prepare one. He didn’t want Phil to think he was something he wasn’t, but any way he spun, it was a lie. Max may not be him, but it was still a part of him. A part of him Phil couldn’t know about.

“I get that, in a way. Like a habit you just can’t quite break. Can’t say I understand exactly why you picked church to be that habit, but I guess.” Phil’s eyes looked off to the side, trying to find the same meaning that Dan found, but in his own life. He must have come up short because the conversation was dropped.

They continued like that for a hour or so. Going back and forth with easy conversation, Dan making sure to steer clear of things he knew Evelyn or Kaleb would have talked about if they were there. There was only so many times a person could use the excuse that they had forgotten an entire conversation that just happened not even twenty four hours ago.

Even so, there were topics Dan took risks on. He wanted to know who Phil was, and in order to find out, he needed to ask. He asked about Phil’s upbringing and his home. Where he went to school and what his degree was in. How old Phil even was and if he had any siblings. Did he live alone and did he live nearby? He took the risk and asked the pressing questions he was dying to know, and it seemed that his alters left him the getting to know you questions. After all, knowing Phil was more important to Dan than anyone else in the system, so it was only fair he got to know that information first hand.

Dan learned that Phil was 28. He grew up not far outside of Manchester and he had one older brother named Martyn. His parents were lovely people who used to pester Phil about what he was doing with his life, so Phil made it his mission to move out as soon as he was finished with University.

Unlike Dan, who was a college dropout, Phil had three degrees. He couldn’t make up his mind on what he wanted to study, so he just kept going back for new things. He had an english degree and was only a few classes short of being able to get his teaching license. After he finished school, he went back for post production, hoping to maybe get a job with some big movie studio. When that dream came to a staggering halt, Phil went back to school for a third and final time to get a degree in something akin to computer science, but less complicated.

As Phil talked about himself, Dan felt like the dirt under Phil’s shoe in comparison. But it wasn’t a normal feeling like scum he typically had. He wasn’t jealous or envious of Phil’s life. In a weird way, he was proud. If anyone deserved to be happy and successful, it was Phil. Dan was lucky to just be a blip on the man’s radar.

For once in his life, Dan felt pleasantly normal. To any outsider, Dan and Phil looked like two friends who were just hanging out. They were having normal conversations about normal topics and his mind was just his normal thoughts. As much as he wanted to be ‘normal’, he couldn’t help but be thankful that he had his alters. If they weren’t there to watch out for him, who knows if he would have even that time with Phil.

After that pleasant coffee outing, Dan found himself hanging out with Phil more often than not. For the first few weeks, he was terrified of asking Phil to go anywhere or do anything, choosing to have Phil or Evelyn make the first move.

They would go shopping together, a movie here or there, Phil would show Dan all the best tourist spots since he’d grown up in the city. Any time they were together they were either at work, out in public, or in Phil’s small studio apartment, but Dan always made sure they never went back to his flat.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want Phil to see where he lived or that he liked to make it difficult on himself and always be the one to walk home late in the night when he was tired, it was just a lot of work to get his apartment ‘company ready’.

Because his flat looked as if a child lived there (because one did), an unknowing outsider to his illness would grow suspicious at the state of his lounge. In order for someone who didn’t know of Dan’s DID to come over, he had to spend a few hours putting things away.

All of Max’s toys and books had to be placed in various locking closets around the flat. The bigger toys like the trainset and the rug were tossed into the corner of Dan’s room, typically covered with a blanket or just the mess of his room would disguise it well enough. If anyone saw a child’s toy, Dan would just act as though he was holding on to his childhood toys for the day he had his own children.

The kitchen was a whole separate area of items to hide, but with an easier excuse if he got lazy. There were children’s plastic plates, cups, bowls and small plastic utensils. He’d generally place them all in a box and stick them in the highest cupboard. If anyone happened to get on a stepstool and open the obnoxiously high cabinet to find his boxes, his response was he found them easier to use when drunk.

On a good day, it could take Dan a solid hour to move everything around, but that also meant dealing with his alters. They were never particularly happy to have their stuff messed with or without their permission. Every time he picked up something that wasn’t his, he’d have to explain what he was doing, where he was putting it, how long it would be there, and in Kaleb’s case, will I be compensated in beer?

So because of this process, Dan would always steer clear of the idea of going back to his flat. If Phil would ask, he’d come up with an excuse that the heating was broken or the place was a mess or his parents were in town.

The thing about excuses is that they only last for so long.

One day, Dan had decided to work from home because Kaleb stayed out a little later than usual the night before leaving him nearly drained of all energy and a killer headache to match. He’d gotten up around 11 and made himself coffee with a piece of toast. When he finally sat down at his laptop to begin his work, his phone started to ring.

Figuring it was his mother calling to ask if he was feeling better, he didn’t bother turning the phone over to look at the number. The phone stopped ringing and he opened up his email, looking for the specific chapter he was meant to have done by tomorrow. He didn’t get through the first line when his phone rang for a second time.

He picked it up, not taking his eyes off of the screen and put the phone up to his ear.

“Yes Mom I’m fine. I’m not gonna text you any more updates on my life if this is how you’ll react every time Kaleb does something stupid.” His eyes continued to read the words on the screen believing that if he just kept looking at them he could trick himself into multitasking efficiently.

“And Kaleb would be?” Phil’s voice echoed through Dan’s head and he nearly dropped the phone onto the floor.

‘Nice work jackass. Why would your Mommy care about what I do?’

“He’s uh- he’s,” Dan racked his brain for an excuse. A cousin? No, he told Phil he only had one cousin whom is definitely not named Kaleb. A Neighbour? No, Phil knew that Dan hadn’t talked to a single person in his building. “He’s a guy who stays with me from time to time. He got kinda drunk last night and we were out really late so.”

“Right.” Phil didn’t sounds all too convinced, but it wasn’t a very convincing lie to begin with. “I thought you said you were sick last night and that’s why we couldn’t hang out.”

Dan’s head hit the desk in front of him with a thud and it took everything he had not to scream into the phone. The headache was throwing him off, distorting his capability to think rationally. He’d blame it on Kaleb for getting so drunk that he forgot to leave a note informing Dan that Phil had called to hang out.

“Uh. Yeah. I was sick but uh, Kaleb he’s a very persistent guy.” The phone was silent for an extended amount of time after Dan spoke. He almost believed that Phil had hung up on him, not that he would blame him really.

Getting caught in a lie always made Dan really anxious. It wasn’t just the idea that the person would think he didn’t care enough about them to tell the truth. Every lie was a clue and if someone caught on to enough of them, they could discover the underlying truth.

“So is he like, your boyfriend or something?” Phil asked, voice doleful and melancholy.

“No! God no!” Dan was quick to defend. The last thing he wanted was for Phil to believe he already had someone else in his life, that there wasn’t room for Phil. He tried to keep his crush on Phil at bay simply because the possibility that anything between them could happen was almost rock bottom, he didn’t want to do anything to hurt his already miniscule chances. “Not only is that an impossible relationship, but it’s also really weird. Kaleb is not my kind of person.”

“And yet you go to bars with him?” Phil was confused, that much was easy to tell. Dan wanted to make it easier to understand, to clear the subject and move on from it, but he wasn’t sure how.

“I wouldn’t say I willingly go. It’s just kind of a thing that happens. It’s hard to explain.” Dan sighed, his hand going up to the back of his neck and giving a gentle massage. It wasn’t a cure for his anxiety, but it was a help. “Can we just like, not talk about this? What’s going on? How’s work?”

“Work is terrible.” Phil’s voice didn’t sound any happier, the subject change only seeming to make it go from bad to worse. “Markus is being a complete dick today. He handed me a huge list of things to do and demanded they be done by the end of the day. I just don’t understand how someone who has zero experience in IT gets to be the manager of the IT department. Even so, anyone with half a brain would realize that it’s highly unlikely one person could install software on 80 individual computers in 7 hours. That’s like, five minutes per computer with no break.”

Dan wanted to laugh, not because the situation was funny but because he knew it all too well. The manager of the editing department was promoted from sales, so he was frequently hit with hard deadlines and feats no one human could accomplish. He refrained from laughing given the tone of the entire conversation they’d been having, chosing to go with sympathy instead.

“That fucking sucks. At least you’re getting a lunch this time. Remember when the district manager came for a visit and they were working you around the clock?”

“Yeah those few days were the worst. I only got to see you for all of five minutes in four days. Hardest four days of my life.” Phil’s voice was starting to get its life back, slowly forgetting about anything Kaleb related.

“Trust me, seeing you that stressed out was not the highlight of my life either. “ Dan cracked a smile, assuming that Phil meant the work but allowing himself to believe for a sliver of a second that the lack of communication with Dan made that week hard. “That’s why I stayed so late that night that I ended up crashing on your couch. Clearly bad things happen when we go too long without seeing each other.”

“Do you think I could come over after work? I just really don’t want to go to my empty flat and wallow.” Phil asked apprehensively.

Dan opened his mouth, but no excuse came out.

“Of course.”

After that day, Phil came over to Dan’s place more often. They ended up spending more time at Dan’s than Phil’s which was a huge achievement on Dan’s part. He liked having Phil over, it showed Phil a little more about his life, allowed him to gain just a little more trust.

The alters also got on board with a new schedule when Phil was coming over. If one was out when plans with Phil were made, that alter would put all of Max’s things away and lock the spare room. A note would usually be left for Dan saying that Phil was coming over that day or that he had been there. Having Phil over almost became second nature to them all, finding a way to enjoy Phil’s company and welcoming the change in pace.

But that didn’t always mean things ran smoothly and sometimes accidents happened.

Kaleb was always a night owl, even more so than Dan. He could stay out all hours of the night, drinking until the sun came up. He had a few select pubs and clubs he liked to frequent, especially when he was looking for a quick hook up.

He typically dominated Friday nights. He wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go out partying during the work week, not that he always listened, so as soon as Dan was home from work on friday afternoons, Kaleb was out and ready to go.

He’d hop in the shower almost immediately after he was in control, needing to get the stench of corporate greed off his body. After getting out, he’d go to his room in his towel, turn his stereo as high up as it could go, and sit by his window. A master of his craft, he’d have a blunt rolled and lit in under two minutes. It was the perfect way to start off the night.

Once he was properly high, he’d set about actually getting ready. While Dan was more into the black skinny jeans that showed off every inch of his body, Kaleb was more into dark blue and green skinny jeans that cut off at the knee. His t-shirts were almost all the same, some obscure heavy metal band that no one could possibly have heard of.

He prefered his hair to be up in a quiff. In his inner world he had short blonde hair, so getting Dan’s fringe out of the way was usually his first instinct. He’d go through half a can of hairspray before he was happy with the result.

Kaleb was a fan of makeup, particularly mascara as it made his eye’s pop. His sole goal of going out was to get laid so accentuating his best features was key to achieving that. With a small amount of eyeliner and some blush on his cheeks to give him more colour, he deemed himself good enough to go out.

Kaleb and Evelyn both had their own friends whom they would hang out with when they were out. Kaleb pulled out his phone and started texting his normal group of friends telling them to meet him at their local pub. He took one last look in the mirror before he was out the door for the night.

A high tolerance for alcohol, something Dan did not have, meant that kaleb was fisting drinks left and right all night. He was downing shot after shot in hopes that the next one would get him drunk enough to feel like himself and not the man whose body he occupied.

He didn’t start talking to strangers until well into the night. He wasn’t one for conversation and he didn’t want to end his night early even if that meant he was headed home with someone. But by the time three am rolled around and he was striking out left and right, he decided to call it a night and head home.

That didn’t stop him from continuing to try to get laid.

When he arrived back at the flat, he pulled a beer out of the fridge and flopped down on the couch. He scrolled through his phone, looking at all of the names in it in an attempt to find a fuck buddy for the night. No one caught his eye until he saw Phil.

It was a risky move considering Phil was off limits. Dan was practically head over heels in love with the guy, but lowered inhibitions threw rational thought out of the window and before he knew it, he was opening up his messages.

‘Hey buttercup. You still awake?’ Kaleb was the only one who called Phil ‘buttercup’. Dan absolutely loathed the nickname, but Kaleb found it flirty. Phil found it cute, returning with an equally gross nickname as a response most of the time.

He didn’t really expect a reply considering it was well into the middle of the night, but when his phone went off a minute later, he was instantly grabbing for it.

‘Sadly. :( I’ve been trying to sleep for hours but it’s just not my night I guess. What’s up, love bug?’

‘I’m booorreeed. Come play with me. ;)’ It took everything Kaleb had not to come out and just say ‘fuck me’.

While Kaleb wasn’t big on Phil’s personality, he wouldn’t lie and say Phil was unattractive. He spent countless nights imagining getting Phil to sleep with him, to fuck him hard into the mattress. That was his biggest motivation for being on board with everything related to Phil. If Dan could get Phil, that would mean he could too. He wouldn’t have to go out as often in pursuit of a stranger to fuck. He could have someone on call whenever he wanted.

‘Come play with you? Are you the twins from the shining or something? Lol’

Kaleb groaned. Leave it to Phil to completely miss the point. His patience was growing thin. In an attempt to calm himself down, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. There was only one left and he cursed himself for not thinking ahead.

‘No, but I could be if you want me to. I can be whatever you like.’

He put the last cigarette to his lips, ignoring Evelyn's complaints that he was smoking in the living room, and lit it as quickly as he could. Just as he took in his first inhale, he got a text.

‘I like you just the way you are, Dan. I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else. Are you drunk? Haha’

Kaleb rolled his eyes, almost regretting even reaching out to Phil. If the boy could just keep his mouth closed and his pants off, he might be in better standings.

‘Maaybe but that doesn’t change anything. Just come over. I promise we’ll have a good time.’

‘I think you should get some sleep. Before you say some things that you might regret and before I do some things I might regret.’

Regret? No one ever regret a night with Kaleb. That was more Dan’s speed, but Kaleb? He could rock Phil’s entire world, leave him speechless for days.

‘Do something you’ll regret? That must mean there’s something you’re wanting to do but are afraid to. I won’t regret anything and I know I can make you feel like same. Just come over and let me help you enjoy yourself.’

Nearing the end of his cigarette and already desperate for a second one, he quickly doubled texted.

‘And bring me a pack of cigarette, I’ve run out. I like a nice smoke after I give someone a good time.’

‘A good time huh? That does sound appealing’ Phil replied quickier than Kaleb thought, almost as if Phil was reacting on his first instinct instead of thought. He felt like he had it in the bag. He had Phil in the palm of his hand, he had to. He was in the middle of a reply back, a raunchy text to seal the deal when Phil texted again.

‘How about I stop by tomorrow. We can spend the day together when you’re sober and we can see what happens. There's hopefully plenty of nights in the future.’

‘Or you could just come over tonight and stay until the morning.’ He knew it was a lost cause, but he had to give it one last try. He was so horny and in need of a release.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Dan. Good night.’

In a fit of drunk anger, Kaleb threw the phone onto the other side of the cough, resigning himself to a wank before bed.

He came with Phil’s lips on his mind and he promised himself he’d get Phil. If the boy was interested, he was happy.

The blaring generic ringtone catapulted Dan from his dream and he sleepily ran his hand around in an attempt to find it. He took one look at the name calling and bolted up in his bed. He cleared his throat a few times, trying to knock out the sound of sleep before sliding the green bar over to answer it.

“Hello?” Dan’s voice was soft and even just with one word it was evident that he was sleeping not two minutes ago. He took the phone away from his ear and turned speakerphone on, racing to open up his messages and see if there was something he missed.

“Hey. Did I wake you? I was just calling cause last night you asked me to pick you up a pack of cigarettes on my way over, but you never told me what kind. Also did you want any snacks or anything? I got some crisps but I wasn’t sure what else you might like.” There was a rustling of bags in the background and a booming incoherent voice over an intercom. Phil was already in the store and Dan had to think on his feet.

Dan groaned just before finally opening his messages. He didn’t even have to read them to know that Kaleb had been the one to invite Phil over judging from the time of the last message. As he scrolled through them, he was getting secondhand embarrassment from the outright sexual messages Kaleb was sending, but what was even more shocking was that Phil had been sending them back.

Dan silently cursed Kaleb and his lazy ass for not going out to buy his own cigarettes. Dan didn’t want Phil to think of him as a smoker. He hated smokers.

“Yeah. Um. I think.” He tried to rack his brain, attempting to remember just what Kaleb smoked. As much as he wanted to tell Phil to just forget the request, he knew Kaleb would be furious. A furious Kaleb was a recipe for disaster. “I think it’s just a pack of Black American Spirits. And I’m fine with whatever snacks. We could also just order a shitload of pizza or something.”

“You think? You don’t even know for certain what you smoke?” Another one of Phil’s signature chuckles came through the receiver and Dan flinched. He should have been more on the ball but knocking off sleep wasn’t helping his already lacking memory. “You must be really tired. You never cease to amaze me, Howell. I’ll be over in about ten minutes or so. Just gotta grab a few more things and I’ll be over.”

Dan stuttered out some nonsensical goodbye before ending the call. He quickly read through as many messages as he could before remembering that he hadn’t showered yet and the lounge was covered in children’s toys. There was no way he could possibly cover for that without appearing as though he was a father or he was into some really weird shit.

He lept out of bed, powering through the headrush that overcame him. He went straight for the lounge, grabbing as much of Max’s stuff as he could and dragging it down into Evelyn and Kaleb’s room.

“Hey why are you moving my stuff! That’s not where that goes!” Max said in a pout.

“That’s my room you fuck, don’t put his stupid shit in there. We all agreed my side of the room was off limits,” Kaleb’s voice followed almost immediately after.

The alters went back and forth, telling Dan every instance of how they weren’t okay with what he was doing until Dan finished. He grabbed a key out of his own bedside drawer and locked up the spare room. There was no way in hell Phil was going to see that room.

The alters were all still complaining. Dan had messed up their spaces and they weren’t afraid to let him know he was in the wrong. Dan tried to power through without commenting, running to quickly change and spray himself with deodorant to hide the fact that he hadn’t had a shower. Soon it became too much. He was doing another once over in the lounge, making sure he got everything when Max started to cry and Dan lost it.

“Listen. I get it. Your shit is out of sorts and you’re mad at me but can you please just shut the fuck up while Phil is here? I’ll move everything back when he’s gone and you can bitch and complain and put it back in the right spots later, but you all know that we need to keep this shit under wraps. If he finds out…” Dan trails off as a soft knock can be heard at the door. Dan doesn’t even finish the rest of his thought, leaving it up to the alters to figure out the rest. Instead he heads over to the door and takes a tentative look out of the peephole to see Phil standing sheepishly with two shopping bags in his hands.

Dan takes a deep breath, saying a silent prayer to no one that Phil didn’t hear any of the outburst, and opens the door with a wide grin on his face.

“Hey. I didn’t buzz you in. How’d you even get in? Dan asked, trying not to sound accusatory, but coming off somewhat standoffish. He moved back and opened the door a little wider, making room for Phil to walk into the flat. While he knew that everything was packed away, he couldn’t help but be on edge. His secret felt like it was teetering on a cliffside.

“Someone held the door open for me since I was carrying stuff. I guess if you’re holding enough stuff you can get in just about anywhere.” Phil’s cheeks tinted a noticeable pink compared to the rest of his complexion as he walked towards the small kitchen. Dan couldn’t help but wonder if he was still thinking about those texts, if he was coming over to see if anything would happen between them.

Phil put the bags down and started to unpack them while Dan got out a few bowls to put the snacks in so they could be handy. Once everything was out, Phil pulled a pack of American Spirits out of his jacket pocket and handed them out to Dan.

“I hope these are the correct ones. I’m not a smoker so I don’t really know the difference.” Phil gave a soft smile as their hands gently touched one another's. Dan wasn’t one for the idea of sparks and all that, but he was certain he felt tingles in all the places his skin touched Phil’s. “We can head down so you can have one if you want. I know last night you said you were out of them.”

Dan couldn’t help but feel warm as Phil offered to go downstairs with him albeit thankful that he left out the part where Kaleb mentioned having a smoke after sex. It was sweet that he wanted to make sure Dan got what he wanted, even if it wasn’t the healthiest for him. Most people would comment that he should quit or explain to him how it was a terrible habit to have, and Dan would just have to grit his teeth and bear through, considering he believed every word they said anyway. But having his alters came with a price, and being labeled a smoker wasn’t the worst he could be dealt.

“No. It’s fine.” Dan politely shook his hand and opened up a drawer to place the pack into. He was hoping that Kaleb was able to see and remember where they were being placed for when he came out later. “I’m really not much of a smoker. Just when I’m drunk. And occasionally when my emotions are really intense. I actually don’t really like smoking too much.”

As Dan closed the drawer closed, he turned his attention back to the bowls of snacks and started to pick them up, hoping to put an end to the conversation. The less he had to talk about his lost time, the less lies he had to remember.

“Ah. I was that way in Uni.” Phil took Dan’s lead and picked up the remaining snacks as he followed Dan into the lounge. He very clearly didn’t pick up the hint that Dan didn’t want to continue talking about this, but Phil so obviously wanted Dan to think he was okay with it, even if he wasn’t. “I used to bum off my friends when we would go out on the weekends and sometimes when I had a really rough paper due, I would just give in and ask my flatmate for one.”

“Yeah. I don’t even remember smoking last night. Really I don’t remember much at all. One moment I was at the bar and the next you were calling saying you were on your way over.” Dan powered through the want building up inside him. He wanted to play along with Kaleb’s game, wanted Phil to think he wanted him like that, but that wasn’t Dan.

“Oh.” Was all Phil said, disappointment flowing through his body language.

Dan decided to just drop the conversation, not wanting to question Phil’s tone. It didn’t feel right. Instead, they silently put the bowls down on the coffee table, arranging them in a way that they could still put their feet up on it if they wanted to. While Phil sat down on the couch, Dan started to rummage around with his game consoles. By this point he didn’t even have to ask Phil what he wanted to play, as they pretty much did the same thing every time.

Dan tossed Phil a controller and walked back over to the couch, ready to get comfortable next to Phil. As the game started to boot up, Dan plopped down on the cushion next to Phil, not quite touching like Kaleb would and not light years apart like Evelyn.

Once they were both in position, feet up on the table, bowl of crisps between them, and the start screen on, they fell into their routine.

Dan always loved the silence that lingered between them. He never believed that a sign of a good relationship was when you could sit in comfortable silence together, but Phil had just blown every preconceived notion out of the park when he walked into his life. Still, the question burned in the back of his mind. He needed to know if Phil was really okay with Kaleb’s habits. He needed to know if there was hope.

“Do you hate smokers?”

Dan watched Phil’s long fingers as they carefully paused the game. Phil took his feet off of the table and turned his body so he was facing Dan completely. Under Phil’s gaze, Dan wanted to retreat and look away but found he was stuck in a trance. He couldn’t shy away, he had to face what he started.

“Why would you think that?” Phil’s eyes wrinkled, concern etching the entirety of his face. It sent a pang through Dan’s chest, like he’d done something wrong, like he’d broken Phil’s trust. He knew that wasn’t true, but that didn’t stop himself from breaking down inside.

“I don’t know.” Dan mumbled, suddenly not in the mood to finish the conversation he’d forced them to have. “Just, most people do and I’ve had countless people who have said they couldn’t be around me cause I smoke sometimes. And I get it cause I don’t even like smoke, but just like. I don’t know. It’s still a shitty feeling I guess, people walking out for something I can’t really help.”

Dan hoped that Phil wouldn’t rebuttal that. He’d hoped that Phil wouldn’t ask how it couldn’t be helped when it was a conscious choice to most. He didn’t know if he had it in him to give another lie to the man sat in front of him.

“Of course I don’t hate smokers. It’s an addiction and it’s not my place to say one way or another what anyone does with their body.” Phil tentatively reached his hand out and rested it on top of Dan’s. That stupid spark could be felt again. “I would never judge you, Dan. Everyone has parts of themselves they don’t like. Everyone has parts of themselves they want to keep hidden. I’m not gonna leave you because you do something I don’t. I like you, habits and all. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide them.”

And while Phil didn’t know exactly the extent of the meaning in his words, Dan felt a little more at ease with their arrangement.

They spent the rest of the day relaxing, switching easily from Smash Bros, to Phil watching Dan play Skyrim, to watching disgustingly cheesy rom coms. By the end of the night, the snacks were almost completely gone and there were two empty pizza boxes tossed onto the floor.

While Dan wanted Phil to stay the night, he felt it was still too soon. They’d only been hanging out for a couple of weeks, and that was more Kaleb’s expertise anyway. Not to mention the locked room that had to be unpacked before his alters told him off.

As the day started to end and the two boys collectively began to clean up the lounge together, a bright light emanated from the sky outside the window.

“Shoot. I think it’s gonna start storming soon. I should head home before it hits.” Phil made his way over to the window, starting to count the time between the lightning and the distamt noise it made. Dan would have recognized what he was doing, trying to see how far away the storm was, but his anxiety was starting to increase.

Dan hated storms. They were one of his biggest fears. But the problem with storms wasn’t the storm itself, it was with Max. The loudness and bright flashes tended to scare Max so much that he was ultimately forced forward, having to be the one to deal with it on his own. Dan still didn’t understand why that happened since Max was more afraid than Dan, but it did.

Dan started to quicken his pace, trying to clean up and get Phil out faster. While he knew that Phil had been with him when his alters were out, he didn’t really see him transition save for that first time at the coffee shop. Max would be so afraid that there was no way he would be able to focus on pretending to be Dan. Part of his secret would start to fall.

“Well you best be on your way then. Thanks so much for st-” A crash of thunder stopped Dan mid sentence and the colour drained from his face. He put his arm around Phil’s back and began a quicken walked towards the door. “For stopping by. I’ll see you soon; tomorrow maybe? Of course, tomorrow I’ll see you at work. Obviously. But yeah, thanks. It was fun.”

Dan didn’t even care at this moment if he came off as rude. He needed Phil out and he was hoping he would take the hint. Thankfully for once, Phil did.

“Yeah. I’ll see you later. Have a good night.” Phil grabbed his coat on the way, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his keys before opening the door.

“Text me when you get home safe. It’s late and it’s the city and it’s raining. I don’t want to hear about you on the news.” Dan watched as Phil walked out of the door and into the hall. Rather than closing the door on him, he walked out and embraced Phil in a quick hug. Some simple reassurance before he was left alone for the night.

It wasn’t too much longer after Dan closed the door that he started feeling dizzy. He tried to hold on just a bit longer, wanting to at least unlock the spare room before Max came out, but he didn’t have enough time.

One of the best things about Max was that he was the easiest to have co-consciousness with. Dan could usually see and hear the things Max could, making it a bit easier to remember those lost hours. This was particularly common when Max was in high levels of distress.

As the storm grew louder, Max bolted down the hallway to the spare room, pulling as hard as he could on the knob that wouldn’t budge.

The key.

He checked his pockets, the drawers in the kitchen, Dan’s set of keys on the hook by the door. He tentatively opened up Dan’s room and checked in the closet, on his end tables, and even the bed. It was nowhere to be found.

With another loud crash the power went out and Max went into a frenzy. While he was trauma free, he was still a rather anxious child, and feeling trapped in the dark during the middle of a storm was not his idea of a pleasant outing.

With shaking hands, he pulled out Dan’s phone and opened it to Phil’s contact information. Without a second thought, he put the receiver up to his ear and started to pace around the room.

“Dan? Are you okay?” Phil’s voice came albeit a tad muffled as the sound of heavy rain was drowning out most other sounds.

“N-no. Could you come b-back please?” Max could feel himself starting to cry and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He was a big boy, he was too old to cry. Or so he thought.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. I’m not too far away, I’ll be right there.” The sound of wind could be heard and Phil’s breath started to quicken; he was running.

“Could you stop and get a colouring book or something? I-I need a distraction.” Max turned out of Dan’s room and into the kitchen. Looking through all the drawers he could get his hands on, no candles could be found anywhere. Just a simple lighter that was tucked away with Kaleb’s things. “Maybe a torch or some candles or something. The power's out. It’s dark.”

“Anything. I think there’s a shop still open on the next block over. Just give me a couple minutes and I’ll be there. Stay calm, take some deep breaths. You’ll be alright.”

Max hung up after promising Phil that he would do as he said and he ran to Dan’s room to get all of the blankets and pillows that he could find. If he couldn’t brave the dark and storm, a fort sure could help.

He set to work, moving the furniture around so he could use the back of the sofas as walls and drape the blankets across them. He had one going over the top like a roof and two draping down either side to enclose the fort. He filled the inside with a blanket base and six pillows that he had found. He wrapped himself up in a small galaxy blanket that he liked to cuddle with and was all set to hide away in his fort when the buzzer rang.

It nearly scared him to the point where he was frozen, but he remembered quickly that the buzzer meant Phil and Phil meant not having to brave the storm alone.

He dashed off to the front door and pressed the button to let Phil into the building. It was only a matter of time before there was a soft knock at the door and Max was swinging it open, jumping into Phil’s arms before the man could even step inside.

“It’s okay. I got you. It’s just a storm, I won’t let it hurt you.” Phil dropped the bag from his second shop run on the ground beside them and he wrapped his arms around Max’s frame. He ran his arms up and down Max’s body, doing what little he could to soothe the boy.

Eventually Max let go, feeling vulnerable with the door to Dan’s flat open. He picked the bag up off the ground before Phil could bend down to grab it and he went straight for the fort in his lounge.

Phil followed in behind and watched as Dan’s body retreated into the dark of the flat, pulling up of of the blanket walls in order to crawl inside.

Max quickly sat down and got to work pulling out the torches and bringing light back into the flat. It was a small comfort that he missed dearly. Next he went for the colouring book, seeing that Phil sprung for the 64 pack of crayons with the sharpener.

“Could I come in?” A voice sounded from outside the fort, bringing Max out of his thoughts.

Rather than answer with words he just pulled the blanket aside so Phil could settle in alongside him.

They didn’t talk. Rather, Phil leaned up against the back of the couch and Max settled in between his legs, resting his head back on Phil’s chest. He had a blanket pulled up over them, making sure that Phil tucked it behind himself so Max was as snug as a bug. His knees were pulled up, allowing the colouring book to rest on his legs as Phil held a torch at its pages.

They stayed like that for the rest of the night. The only movement between them being the scribble of Max’s crayon’s against paper and the occasional physical reassurance Phil gave any time a particularly loud clap of thunder happened.

Dan woke up the next morning with a kink in his neck and a large, blunt object digging into his side. He groaned and wriggled around slightly to pull a small torch out from under his body. He looked around, trying to get his bearings on the situation.

The back of one of his couches was in front of him and he was surrounded by pillows. He was laid on the floor, a mixture of battery operated lights and crayons scattered around the area. He went to sit up when he noticed the arm wrapped around his midsection.

He found himself muttering ‘please be phil, please be phil’ as he cocked his head back to look over his shoulder. There, sleeping peacefully, black strands of hair falling into his eyes, was Phil.

Normally this is when Dan would start freaking out. When he would question what had happened and how he could best escape, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to move. He wanted to be selfish and stay in Phil’s embrace. He craved the affection of the man who stayed with his alter, kept him safe while he coloured. He had never wanted anything more.

So he stayed put. He turned over and buried his face into Phil’s chest. His left arm went around Phil’s waist and his hand held tight onto the man’s shirt. He could feign sleep if he needed to, but in that moment he really didn’t care.

Sometime after Dan was woken up again to a blaring noise coming from somewhere in the fort. He could feel Phil start to move around, doing his best not to move Dan too much as he reached to turn off his phone’s alarm. Once the ringing stopped, Phil pulled Dan closer, placing a gentle kiss to the younger’s hair. Dan hoped that he wasn’t the only one with a strong desire to stay in the warm embrace.

It was a peaceful moment but short lived nonetheless.

“Dan. We have to start getting ready for work.” Phil’s voice was low and full of sleep, exactly how Dan imagined it would be, not that he spent a lot of time thinking about how Phil would sound in the mornings.

Phil’s hand started running through Dan’s hair, picking up a few stray curls and gently letting them fall back into place. If Dan hadn’t been thinking about calling out before, it certainly was running through his mind like wildfire now.

“Dan. Come on. Up up. Go get in the shower and I’ll make us some breakfast.” Phil cooed, starting to pull himself apart from Dan’s body.

“I really don’t want to. You shower first, I’ll sleep.” Dan mumbled barely coherent words as he buried his face deeper into Phil’s chest. He’d be damned if he was getting up right now, now when Phil was embodying all of his senses at once; it was nearly heaven.

“I can’t shower here. I have no clothes to change into. Also I need to go home to get my glasses anyway.” Dan rolled back to look up at Phil. His eyes were red and puffy and he was rocking full on bedhead. “I slept with my contacts in which is never good.”

Even though he didn’t want to, he sat up, his head hitting straight into the blanket ceiling. His arms reached up in an attempt to stretch, but the entire fort came crashing down instead. Laughter bounded through the room and Dan did his best to push the blanket off of their heads.

“Shut up.” Dan mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before aiming to stretch once again. “If I didn’t break the fort, I would have resigned myself to staying in it all day so I guess dumb luck.”

Phil’s laughter didn’t cease, rather turning into a low, hearty chuckle. This resulted in Dan giving Phil a playful shove and standing up in case Phil retaliated.

Once he was up, he took the time to look around for his phone, knowing that it would most likely need a quick charge before heading into work. He’d be damned if he would leave the house without it.

He found it on the ground just outside the fort and picked it up. Before walking back towards his room, he picked up Phil’s as well.

“You go ahead and shower; I can loan you some clothes. I mainly own black so you’re gonna look a bit off for the day, but it should be fine.” As Dan headed down the hallway towards his room, his voice got softer and softer. He’d imagined Phil in his clothes multiple times and the reality of it was exciting.

“Hey at the very least it will give people in the office something new to speculate about!” Phil yelled from the other room.

Rifling through a box in his closet, he came across his spare charger. He plugged it in next to his charger by the bedside table and left the phones there. Phil’s phone screen came to life as it was plugged in, indicating it was now charging, but also revealing the new background Dan hadn’t seen.

The picture was rather dark, the only lighting coming from the moon, but it was unmistakable that Dan and Phil were in the photo. They were laying on the ground of some field, Dan hiding his face in Phil’s chest while Phil looked down at him in complete awe. He didn’t remember the moment, but from what he could tell, it was special to someone in the system.

A smile crept upon Dan’s face, his body tingling all over. He was happy, content. His normal pang of jealousy when seeing evidence of an alter enjoying Phil’s company was missing, his guard down for the first time in years. Because of this, it was easier for Evelyn to slip through.

Evelyn was in the body most mornings. As the protector, it was her job to get Dan ready for the day ahead. She was very used to her routine, so when she walked out into the living room to grab a glass of water and take their morning pills, seeing Phil cleaning up the lounge with no shirt on was quite the shock.

She was about to ask what had transpired but the sight of pillows and blankets phil was folding and stacking on the couch was enough information to get by. Max was the only one to make forts and he only did them when he was scared.

Evelyn, who hadn’t warmed up to Phil in the way the rest of the alters did, walked past him and continued on her way to the kitchen. While Max enjoyed the childlike wonder Phil had, Kaleb digged the overall sex appeal of the man, and Dan wanted to kiss the ground he walked on, Evelyn was still wary.

Evelyn was the one who took care of everyone. In the inner world, she was the mother to Max and a big sister to Kaleb. She kept them all in line, helping them with their problems and keeping emotions at bay. While Phil hadn’t exactly posed a threat to the system yet, he posed a threat to Evelyn. So far he had proven to Dan, Max and Kaleb that he could protect them, love them, keep them safe. If Phil was in their lives, Evelyn felt as though she would be tossed to the side. A useless part of the system with Phil there to guide them.

Letting Phil into her life meant giving over some of the control, allowing someone else to make sure Dan was getting enough sleep and arriving to work on time. She couldn’t trust Phil to be that person, not yet, possibly not ever.

Still, keeping Dan happy and healthy was her number one priority and as the boy was so deeply enamoured with the man, she kept her concerns mainly to herself.

She filled up a glass of water, drinking about half of it before reaching into a cabinet and pulling out the pill container with the days listed on them. She popped up the sunday container, dumping the pills onto the table and proceeded to take them one by one, a hefty gulp in between.

“So uh, If I’m gonna take a shower I’m gonna need a towel.” Phil’s voice came from out of nowhere and Evelyn nearly started choking on a vitamin tablet she just swallowed. She looked up to see Phil standing in front of her. “Also if you could give me the clothes so I could get changed into them right after, it would be greatly appreciated.”

“Yeah give me a second.” Her eyes instantly fell from Phil’s gaze as she continued what she was doing, completely disregarding Phil’s presence entirely. She was generally better about her disapproval towards Phil, but mornings forced her to be so focused that she couldn’t compute the notion.

When the last pill was swallowed, she took the medicine bottles out of the same cabinet and refilled the sunday portion. She was aware of Phil’s eyes on her, aware that he must have noticed a change in ‘Dan’s’ demeanor. She didn’t veer from her routine, knowing it could be played off as morning grogginess.

With the pills away and the glass placed into the sink to be washed, she turned her attention back to the shirtless man. Without a word, she motioned for him to follow her down the hall and into the bathroom. Inside was a smaller shelf that held towels and washcloths.

“You can use anything in the shower. There’s a pretty wide variety in there.” Almost certain that Dan hadn’t thought to take out the four vastly different kinds of body wash and shampoo, she went for the ‘ignore and act as though it’s normal’ schtick. “Give me two seconds and I’ll get you some things to change into.”

She’d left Phil to return to Dan’s room. She would have preferred he come along to pick out what he wanted, but Max’s train set was shoved into the corner of the room and Phil would pick up on it instantly. By now she knew Phil’s style and Dan’s was nothing like Phil’s. Dan’s clothes were devoid of life while Phil preferred to drown in it.

Going through Dan’s closet and coming up with only a new pair of boxers and some black trousers led her to pulling the key from the bedside table and going to unlock the spare room. She took a quick survey of the surroundings, being sure Phil wasn’t lurking around, and opened the door to her shared room.

Her wardrobe was brighter than Dan’s, move up to speed with what Phil liked to wear. She was searching for a button down that was the perfect balance between bright and happy yet professional. She stumbled upon a scarlet coloured button down, a tiny little koala embroidered onto the breast pocket.

She carried them down to the bathroom, hanging them up on the door so they wouldn’t wrinkle. When she opened the door enough to peer in, Phil was down to his boxers, attempting to figure out how the shower came on.

Evelyn typically referred to herself as being somewhere on the ace spectrum, but in that moment she understood Dan and Kaleb’s obsession.

While Phil wasn’t overly toned, he had clear muscle definition, particularly in his arms. He had little pudgy love handles and legs that went on for miles. His back had little freckles spread about, a map of sorts just waiting for someone to play connect the dots. And his ass, his ass was divine, a gift from the gods as Kaleb would say.

“Need a little help?” She shook herself out of the daze, already feeling behind schedule and remembering that she had to keep Phil at a distance. Phil jumped in the air, evidently started with a small yelp passing through his lips.

“Uh, yes please.” Phil responded, standing straight up, polite in his reply. Phil was usually that way around Evelyn, picking up on ‘Dan’s’ mood change and following accordingly.

Her hand came up, motioning the man out of the way and she expertly pulled a lever and turned a few knobs. She felt the water temperature before moving out of the way and going back into the hallway.

“Clothes are hanging here and I’ll be in the kitchen making breakfast if you need me. Try not to be too long as we’re already running into the risk of being late.”

When she was halfway through preparing breakfast, it taking slightly longer than normal as there was two mouths to feed instead of one, Phil came out completely dressed. His hair was damp, but his fringe was styled in his normal way, air drying into place. The last thing Evelyn wanted to do was give up control and let Phil finish the most important part of her schedule, but if they had any hope of getting to the office on time, she had to trust him enough not to mess breakfast up.

Her shower was quick, washing down everything in a timely manner, her mind occupied with thoughts of Phil in her kitchen. She caught herself hoping he would fail, hoping he would prove all of her concerns correct. It was far easier than admitting she could be wrong, admitting she no longer had a secure place.

To her surprise, the flat had not burned down. Phil was plating up the pancakes when she walked out into the kitchen, several different kinds of toppings were out with spoons in them and even two full glasses of orange juice were poured.

They ate in silence, but it wasn’t the silence she knew Phil had with Dan. She could tell he had something on his mind but wasn’t quite sure how to word it. She didn’t ask him to say what he was thinking though, preferring not to hear what would come out of his mouth.

It was when they were cleaning up, Evelyn reluctantly giving in to Phil’s adamant request that he help with the dishes, that Phil finally voiced his concerns. They were stood side by side, Phil scrubbing down the dishes in the sink and handing them off to Evelyn who proceeded to dry them off and put them away.

“Are you okay? You seem a little, on edge, I guess you could say.” Phil spoke, keeping his eyes trained on the dishes in front of him. There was concern lacing his voice and Evelyn took notice of how genuine it sounded.

“I’m fine.” She said flatly.

“I know you’re not. I think I know you well enough to know when something isn’t right.” Phil answered quickly. He momentarily stopped his hands to glance up at Evelyn, but quickly went back to the task at hand.

“Do you really know me well enough? I think you know parts of me but not all the little bits and pieces.” Evelyn retorted.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Phil was sincerely curious about her choice of words, wanting to understand what was happening, wanting to be a confidant.

“I think there are different versions of me, and I don’t think you would like them all.”

Phil didn’t hesitate in his response.

“There could be a million versions of you across the whole of the universe and I would find something to love in every single one.”

Evelyn immediately froze in place, dish rag stalling in her hands and looked up at Phil. His body was calm and a small smile was etched across his lips, almost as if he was thinking about a world with a million Dan’s laid out in front of him. The joy he would get at spending his life with a million people who were exactly the same yet so, so different.

He’d noticed she stopped what she was doing and turned to look up at her.

“What is it? Am I doing the dishes wrong? Please tell me, I don’t want to mess up your flow.” His words were authentic and for once she believed Phil could want the best for them all.

“No no. It’s fine. I trust you.” She wished she could elaborate. Wished she could explain why she trusted him and to the extent at which she did, but it wasn’t hers to explain.

Instead she did the one thing she knew she could to show her love.

Her nose started to tingle and her eyes closed.

“Please don’t ever forget that I care about you and I always will.” Phil’s voice was getting distant as Evelyn slipped back, but every single person in the system could hear his words.

‘Don’t you dare let him go, Dan Howell.’

“I won’t.” Dan whispered.

As their friendship grew on and Phil started spending more and more nights over at Dan’s, the idea of a romance between the two became less of a fantasy Dan could only dream of in the dead of night and more of a possibility.

Their touches lingered for longer, their conversations became deeper, forehead and shoulder kisses became more common, and an overwhelming sadness fell over any time they had to part.

They became the talk of the office, frequently showing up dressed in the others clothing, going out to lunch most days and when one was out sick, the other was either home as well or may as well be with how lost they appeared throughout the day.

To outsiders, even Dan and Phil’s families, they seemed to be your normal happy go lucky honeymoon phased couple. And that would be true had they been dating. It wasn’t that Dan didn’t want to be dating Phil, of course he did. He would kill to be able to add a morning kiss onto their new Evelyn approved morning routine. He just couldn’t get up the courage to actually say the words.

He’d attempted one night, asking Phil if he wanted to go out to dinner. Dan made reservations at a fancy upscale Italian restaurant nearby, and dressed up in one of his nicest outfits. While Dan thought it was obvious he’d meant a date, when Phil showed up at his place severely underdressed, it was evident Phil did not catch on.

But it wasn’t as if the romantic undertones between the two were one sided. Phil would frequently compliment Dan. He would add little unnecessary touches in the middle of conversation and, during the night when he thought Dan was asleep, he would intertwine their fingers.

Even the alters knew they should be together. Evelyn would frequently invite Phil over and give Dan back the reins seconds before Phil showed up at the door. Kaleb would take Phil out for a night of pub hopping in hopes of a late night confession and possible make out session. Even Max would ask Phil about his future, if he wanted to be married or if he saw himself with kids one day.

Everyone but Dan could work out a way to make it happen, he was just far too insecure to take a leap and grab the things he wanted out of life.

But that led to a day when Dan woke up in bed, an arm slung over his waist. It wouldn’t have been alarming, as Phil normally held him when he slept over, but no, this time Dan was practically naked.

He sat up quickly, Phil’s arm flinging off of his body and landing back on the bed. The swift movement startled Phil awake, and assuming that Dan had a nightmare of some sort, he put his arms around Dan, rocking the boy back and forth.

Dan tried to assess the situation, looking down at his bare body save for the boxers hanging low on his hips. Glancing back proved to be an overload in Dan’s brain as Phil was in an almost identical state at Dan. He wiggled out of Phil’s grasp and pulled the blanket up to cover himself, knowing full well that it was pointless; Phil had most likely seen everything there was to see at that point.

“Dan, love, what’s wrong?” Phil purred, getting up on his hands and knees to move in front of Dan’s face.

Dan wanted to look. He wanted to take in Phil’s chest and his upper thighs that he’d always dreamed would one day be wrapped around his head. He wanted to take advantage of whatever situation Kaleb or Evelyn had put him in, but he just couldn’t. He kept his eyes trained down on the blanket pattern.

While it wasn’t a foolproof plan, he thought it would buy him some time to come up with some rational scenario that didn’t involve Kaleb, a bottle of Jack, and a first time he wouldn’t get to remember. No, what happened was far worse.

Phil’s fingers found their way under Dan’s chin and within seconds, he was being forced to lock eyes. Brown against blue. Before Dan could even blink, Phil was inching forward and their lips touched ever so gently. It was chaste and should have been a sweet gesture if Dan hadn’t been so confused and on the verge of heartbreak.

He pulled back, a little quicker than he had intended to and swung his legs over the side of the bed, ignoring Phil’s gaze in the process. He wanted to run, to escape the situation before Phil could explain, before Kaleb would start taunting in his ear about how he’d won the game. He needed out, but his legs wouldn’t budge, his feet cement blocks on the floor.

“Did I do something wrong?” Phil’s voice came out a little shaky almost as if he was fighting back tears. “I’d thought that after last night, after our first date and everything we talked about, it would be alright to kiss you.”

Dan stayed silent, willing himself to move, to run, to escape. He couldn’t, and sat helplessly as Phil joined him on the edge of the bed, creating a gap between them for the first time in months.

“I assumed since you had kissed me last night that I could kiss you now, and that was wrong. Previous consent does not mean consent forever and I should have asked if you were okay with it bef-”

“I kissed you last night?” Dan cut Phil off, his eyes growing wide as they moved to Phil’s face. Anger was boiling in his stomach. He wanted to destroy something, smash Kaleb’s things the way that he had destroyed Dan’s first experience with Phil.

Phil was stunned into silence.

The room lay still, neither talked nor moved an inch. Dan’s mind was loud, the alters giving their two sense on just how badly Dan fucked up, but he didn’t care. For the first time in years, he wished he never had DID.

Out of nowhere, Phil was up off the bed in a flash, hunting around the room in search of his clothing. It was only as Phil was pulling his pants on that Dan started to agree that he’d messed up everything he’d ever wanted.

“What are you doing?” Tears started welling up in Dan’s eyes and he wasn’t sure if he had the willpower to keep them from falling. He’d had everything he’d ever wanted. He had someone who liked to hold and kiss him, someone who was concerned about his wellbeing, and in a span of minutes he had to watch them leave before his eyes.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going. I can’t do this anymore Dan, I really can’t.” Phil’s voice was hoarse, like he too was trying and failing to hold back the tears. He reached for his shirt and Dan went into overdrive, regaining control of his legs and jumping off the bed. He grabbed Phil’s shirt out of his hands and held it tightly in his fists.

“No. No, I won’t let you go.” Phil looked less than thrilled, making a grab at the shirt in Dan’s hand, but Dan quickly moved it behind his back. Dan thought that would hold Phil, but the man just let out a sigh and turned to walk out of the bedroom.

“Where are you going? You can’t just leave like that!” Dan followed after him, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t even bother to put on his own clothes, fully prepared to run after Phil in the streets half naked.

“Keep the shirt. It’s yours anyway.” Phil walked into the lounge, picking up his keys and wallet off of the coffee table. Dan frantically tried to calm his breathing while thinking about what he could do to stop the best thing to happen to him from walking out on his life.

“But why? Why are you going? Can you please just tell me what I did wrong? I’m sorry that I reacted that way. Just come back and kiss me again. I’ll be better this time. I’ll keep my mouth shut and we can go back to bed and just pretend it never happened.”

“Can’t you see that that’s the problem Dan? You always conveniently forget some of the most important memories I have with you and then I have to pretend like they never happened. The time we took a walk through the park and I told you that coming out to my parents was one of the scariest things I’d ever done, and two days later you asked me what I hoped my wife would be like. That time we took my parent's car and went on a late night drive to the beach and you’d later said you’d never been.” Phil’s hand ran through his hair, a few tears dropping down from his cheeks onto the floor. He’d stopped his pace completely, standing shirtless in the middle of the room, baring his soul to Dan. “Or when I told you I was severely allergic to cats and weeks later you booked up a reservation at a fucking cat cafe! I could continue on, Dan. The list is about a mile long.”

“I didn’t- I can explain.” Dan knew he had to tell Phil, knew it was the only way to even have a chance at holding on, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let the secret go. Not yet. He wasn’t ready.

“No, I don’t think you can. Dan, you act different so much. I feel like half the time you aren’t even you. You forget entire conversations we have, you don’t care about the moments that mean so much to me. Hell, you forgot our first date and our first kiss. I care about you, so much Dan. I really thought you felt the same way.”

Phil wiped the back of his hand across his cheeks, drying his face of the tear tracks. He gave one last look up at Dan, almost like he was begging him to give him a reason to stay, an explanation to it all, curb his insecurities and tell him he felt the same, but Dan’s tongue was tied.

Phil shook his head and walked past Dan, out of the lounge and towards the front door.

‘Just fucking say it Dan. Don’t let him leave.’

‘I’m sorry Dan. I shouldn’t have kissed him, but don’t let that be the end.’

‘Who will hold me during the storms now?’

Phil’s hand was on the knob, ready to open the door and walk out of Dan’s life forever when he finally found enough courage.

“I have DID.”

Seconds were minutes, time stood still as Dan watched Phil’s hand slide off the door knob and turn back to face Dan. He hadn’t even registered that he’d said it until the words were resounding throughout his head.

“You have what?” Phil’s voice was soft again, caring and fluid like he usually was. He didn’t move from his place in front of the door, but his eyes had a twinkle again.

“I have DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 17, but I’ve had it since I was really young.” Dan’s voice was shaking, never having been more afraid, yet at ease to tell someone. He knew that if he wanted a future with Phil, he’d have to tell him eventually, but he really didn’t want it to be a final card to play in an attempt to save that future.

“I don’t-” Phil took a tentative step towards Dan, gauging the reaction of the boy before taking another three steps to stand directly in front of him. “What does that mean?”

Dan took a deep breath and looked around the room. He’d thought about telling Phil countless times. He’d rehearsed what he would say and how he would deliver the information, but the spur of the moment confession left him unprepared.

“Do you think we could sit down or something? This will be kind of a lot to take in and it might take me a bit to get through it all.” Dan’s hand came up, his thumb pointing behind him towards the lounge. He hoped it would be enough.

Without words, Phil nodded his head. He started walking back the way they came, taking Dan’s hand in his as he went.

Dan was trembling and the small contact Phil gave him calmed his heart enough to help him think clearer, to begin to work through just what he would say.

They sat down on the couch, Phil sat with crossed legged and his back against the armrest. Dan sat with some distance between them, bringing his knees to his chest and holding on tightly.

Silence lingered, Dan working out just what he wanted to say and how to say it. Phil was waiting patiently beside him. After ten minutes, and Phil scooting closer to place a hand on Dan’s shoulder, Dan opened his mouth to speak.

“DID is an illness where a person has at least two personality states. These states are called alters. Everyone is different, but for me, I have three other people living in my head. It’s usually developed in childhood, the mind ‘splits’ to protect itself from some kind of trauma that occurred. I don’t remember what happened to me, but I know that it was really bad.

“There’s a whole lot that goes into it, and I don’t want to bore you with the details, but basically when I ‘forget’ things, it’s because I wasn’t there for them. I like to call it lost time because I have no recollection of what happens when an alter is out except for a few spare times, and I really have to rely on context clue, notes from my alters, and others’ stories to help me fill in the gaps.

“I have three alters and we all work in what’s called a system. You’ve met them all without really knowing it. Or maybe you know it because they aren’t the best actors and our personalities are so different. There’s Evelyn, who was the first alter. She’s grown up with me and she looks after the wellbeing of the system. Kaleb came next and he’s kind of a dick. He’s the one who smokes and parties and he’s the one who stole my first kiss with you. Then there’s Max, who’s only 11. He ages very slowly in comparison to myself and the other alters, so he’s only aged 2 years in 6. He’s a child who loves to colour and go to the park and I’d be willing to bet he was the one at the beach with you that day.

“I just. I was going to tell you, one day, but there’s always a fear that comes along with saying it. There’s the fear that you won’t believe me like most people do. Like my psychology professor at Uni whose whole lecture on DID was that it was basically a made-up thing people did to excuse bad behaviour. There’s also the fear that you’d believe me but consider it too much to handle. I’m really not sure what’s worse.

“That’s kinda it. At least the really basic part of it anyway. You can decide what to do now.” Dan, who had been holding on tightly to Phil’s shirt the entire time handed it out to him, gesturing that the ball was in his court to decide what to do.

Phil reached out and took the shirt, standing up off of the couch and pulling it over his head. He leaned down, pressing a kiss onto Dan’s temple before walking towards the door of the lounge.

Dan kept his head down, not ready to watch Phil leave.

“I’m gonna make us breakfast. Would you rather eggs or pancakes?” Dan’s head shot up, a wide grin spanning ear to ear. Phil couldn't help but break his composure and smiled right back.

“Pancakes please.” Dan unrolled himself from his ball and met Phil at the door. Phil’s arms opened and Dan leapt into them, burying his face into Phil’s chest. He wanted to be happy, but his deep insecurities couldn't let him quite yet. “Are you sure?”

“What is there to even consider? I appreciate you telling me and believe me, I’ve got about a million things I wanna ask both you and google, but I don’t want to overwhelm you right now. How about we eat some breakfast, watch a movie or something, and come back to it?” Phil’s hand rubbed up and down Dan’s back before pulling away. Before Dan could lift his head, Phil’s lips came forward, leaving a lingering kiss to the boy’s forehead. Dan countered by placing his hands on either side of Phil’s face and connecting their lips.

“That sounds perfect, but I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. I want you to know how committed I am to you and to making this work. If you have any questions or thoughts that pop up, please just throw them out there, and if I feel like I can answer it, I will. ”

Phil thought for a moment, his eyes looking out to the side as if he was thinking deep in thought.

“Is that why you were so adamant about not seeing Split?” Phil said and Dan groaned, pushing Phil away and resuming the walk to the kitchen.

“Don’t even get me started on that fucking movie. It’s literally just a way to make money off fear mongering like I’m not gonna kidnap you and kill you or some shit. Like worse case scenario is Kaleb will be a fuck and sleep with someone, which we will have to talk about, but like god that movie just gets me going. The inaccuracies are unbelievable and everyone who says ‘it’s just a movie’, well I’d like them to walk a fucking day in my shoes. Let them see how fast they flip that dumbass opinion.”

Phil chuckled, following after Dan and letting him rant. Things made so much more sense, clicked together.

“You know I’ve always hated that movie just as much as you, but it’s just really cute to see you get all worked up.”

“Oh shut up.”

They went into the kitchen, Phil pulling out all of the ingredients needed to get the pancake batter going, Dan getting started on a pot of coffee. It was easy. It was perfect.

“So how was our first date?” Dan asked halfway through the pancake process.

“I don’t know.” Phil replied, a sly grin appearing. “We haven’t had ours yet.”

Dan was momentarily shocked, ready to pitch a fit that this whole fight happened and there wasn’t even a date to begin with, but Phil was quick to shut him up.

“As far as I’m concerned, if you weren’t there mentally, it wasn’t our first date. We can try again another day.”

Dan put his arms around Phil’s neck, taking in the moment. Everything he’d been through, all the time he’d spent worrying about Phil’s reaction. Never in a million life times did he think he would be lucky enough to find someone so understanding, someone who would stand in his corner no matter what.

“That sounds good to me, but could we also have a redo on that first kiss?” Dan inched his face forwards, daring Phil to take the next step.

“We could redo that as much as you want.”

#phan #phanfiction #phanfiction catalogue #phanfic

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