#bc i didnt get to spend enough time getting to know them bc i kept being put in some RANDOM guys head

[megumi-fm]

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[cruelsister-moved2]

12 and 3 for the book asks!

12:Any books that disappointed you? Yeah 😭 like this book daughter of the moon goddess was marketed as like a mythological retelling and then it was just like the most generic magic school YA fantasy love triangle it was soooo bad thats like 8h of my live ill NEVER get back..... also wasnt prepared for earthsea being really misogynistic. scream. also honestly the prose of basically every new release I've read has been disappointing to me sorry to be a hater

3: What were your top five books of the year? ngl most of my top books this year were nonfiction, but i really liked she who became the sun by shelley parker-chan like its not a perfect book but it was enjoyable and exciting the way it depicts gender. and human acts by han kang was really good. everything else i liked was like short story collections and nonfiction ngl. wait i mean i enjoyed reading (the first 3 books of) earthsea but the misogyny literally left such a bad taste in my mouth 😭 i know she addressed it later etc etc but it just blindsided me bc i didn’t expect it also in the first book when ged’s little creature thing died i literally almost DNFed

[deimosatellite]

something ive been thinking about a lot is like. it seems like kazuki doesnt exactly know the extent of rei's family history? of course its probably pretty obvious to kazuki that some really fucked up things happened in rei's past but i think its definitely deliberate that kazuki seems to have been kept in the dark about things-- of course he understands that rei doesnt have a good relationship with his father, and probably knows how trapped rei is in his line of work, but even then he never really pries or tries to be overbearing to rei in that degree.

adding a read more bc this post is like almost 1000 words bc im so normal about them

he knows that rei doesnt want to talk about it, and he wants to support him in that, since he knows that rei knows himself better than anyone. of course, this doesnt negate how kazuki did everything possible to help rei when he first found him as a shell of a person. imagining how kazuki must have felt when he first heard rei exhale in a slight laugh, the first time rei didnt lean away from his touch, the first time he saw a glint of life in those dead eyes. how it was when rei first said something snarky back to him. the little ways in seeing rei becoming less like a dead man walking every day. of course, rei definitely slips into his old mindset now and then, which probably scares the shit out of kazuki at first before he knows how to let him work through it.

-not to mention rei doesnt exactly seem like the type to open up about his past, even to kazuki, and im wondering if theres something even within rei where he hasnt exactly accepted how fucked up his past is--it was normal life for him for a long time, to the point that as an adult he seemed to have accepted that he was seen only as a weapon. until being around kazuki, and eventually miri, he had his own definition of normalcy, which was of course twisted as hell by his upbringing.

but living with kazuki at first, it might as well be the first time someone's treated him like a person and seemed to even perceive that he might be deserving of basic human decency, something even he might have not believed for himself. and while kazuki was very caring for him, it didnt seem to be overbearing, seeming to give him space when he needed it and it seems even during the events of canon that he never shows pity to rei--something probably very important to rei. kazuki didnt want to coddle him, because he probably knew how that type of pity felt.

even in the montage of kazuki moving in, kazuki seems to just kind of bring himself and care into rei's life, without making a big deal out of it--moving a couch in one day, cutting his hair another, etc.. and i think kazuki probably didnt pry about why rei was the way he was, not to mention rei might not have found it important enough to mention since it was so normalized for him. they probably talked a few times about rei's parents and kazuki's lack thereof, relating to each other in a few aspects of their upbringing.

enter miri then, and imagine how it so slowly dawns on rei that this is how its supposed to be. it dawning on him that his upbringing was really fucked up, and that he somehow is part of a real family now, in a way he could never have even comprehended before. then comes the pain of realizing that holy shit, all those things that happened to me were SO fucked up and coming to terms with it all. and after the years he spends with kazuki, the year he spends with miri--hed do anything for them, and do anything to remain in a normal life with his new found family. when his father tries to take him back, tries to get rid of the two people he loved the most to push him back into that state of being nothing more than a weapon, rei doesnt hesitate to permanently disable his own dominant arm to end the discussion and leave no chance for his father to force his hand in the matter. everything had led up to this point--rei had been horribly abused his entire life in order to be used for killing, and here he ended that life. it was his ultimate sacrifice for his new family.

kazuki is then there for him in the aftermath, slowly piecing together the depths of what rei did to save their family, their relationship strengthens to something that would last a lifetime.

and thinking about how years after canon, rei finally opens up to kazuki on some random winter night when theyre together. rei had never told anyone about what his childhood was like before, and even took years coming to terms with how messed up everything that happened to him was. that it wasnt normal in the slightest. kazuki listens.

[17gz]

it just ENRAGES me beyond words that i reconnected with a friend from high school (who reached out to me since i was 1 out of 2 people in our grade of 500+ kids that were visibly out as trans)

because she wanted to let me know that she came out and got on E and told me her name and how she's been doing. we'd been talking for a while.

and i knew her pre transition in high school. she was miserable. and meeting her in person, she was a different person. i saw so much happiness and life in her eyes that i'd never seen before. it was so amazing to see her as who she really is.

i told everyone in my group who was going to pride about her. they all knew beforehand that i was inviting her. i expressed how happy and proud i was of her.

and when she arrived i saw a switch flip in my roommates heads. both of them. including the afab intersex one wearing a niohuru x "big dick girl" bikini for pride. my friend fully said "i use she/her. i don't like they/them, i prefer she/her." and these roommates used they/them for her the entire night.

they were so annoyed that she took up any space at all. they were so annoyed that she was excited. one of these roommates talked so often abt how its hard being autistic. and yet that same person made the rudest and most passive aggressive looks and gestures towards my friend because she's autistic. it was disgusting and juice even yelled at this person at dinner when this person kept doing high school bully shit at my friend.

and when we were forced to confront this person bc "they didnt understand why we were mad at them" we were completely honest and said that their treatment of my friend was unacceptable and disgusting and transmisogynistic

and this person denied all their behavior and even tried to cover it up by saying "i'm just a silly little guy" i wish i was fucking making this shit up i really fucking wish i was. we were stone faced and said they were treating my friend poorly bc shes a trans woman. they said "they'd never do something like that to someone in the community. they're part of the community!" and when juice said they are not incapable of being transmisogynistic, the crocodile tears were running immediately.

and then my friend i've known for 6 years (whos dating that pos) said we were being racist to their partner. and then within 12 hours we dropped the news that we were moving out. we moved out abt 17 days after that. from an apartment i literally hunted down and did all the work to find. and had expressed ALL year that i didnt want to move out from.

cannot stress enough that this roommates partner was staying with us rent free even though i even said they could pay at least $100-$200 per month to help with household expenses since money was getting tight for us and 4 ppl in there vs 3 ppl was rough (but i didnt want to say $800 -$1000 for them bc i knew they were in a tough financial state) (but also we were not doing well either and they took and broke SO much of our shit without offering to do a damn thing about it and spending their money on dumb shit)

and they'd been living rent free at our place for 4+ months. we were coerced into letting them stay w us. and the entire time they treated us like absolute garbage. they constantly made comments about us being fat and how they thought we were ugly.

not to mention. meatball is brachiocephalic. my ex friend was literally with me at the vet appointments where the vets said do NOT have smoke or candles or anything around him.

while i was vacuuming and getting him air purifiers to put around the house and spending over 2k on vet bills, the two of them were hotboxing him in their room when they smoked. i told them a trillion times to ventilate their room and keep the door closed and let the room air out when they smoked and they never listened. we only found out they were hotboxing meatball in july.

not to mention all the racist shit and the painting my friend made where they painted me as a rapist being eaten by them. never done anything like that, i was not ok w them using my likeness and even told them that, i was the darkest skinned person im that apartment, and they felt 0 shame or regret about it. and now theres a painting of me, depicted as a cis man rapist, darker than i actually am, being killed and eaten by this person.

i cannot even begin to describe my anger and rage and disgust and hatred towards this person. i genuinely hope they die. i wish nothing but misery and suffering upon them

[fecto-forgo]

the whole thing of treating pets like family members is real cute until you lose the capability of understanding youre caring for animals n not cute fluffy plushies labeled "child"

my mom INSISTED on adopting 2 somewhat big dogs out of pity last year, she insists on getting attached to pets like theyre her children so thats the cutesy way she originally treated them.we do not have enough space for 2 dogs their size n she refuses to ever play w them or take them on walks (im unable to do that myself bc i cant go where theyre kept without help n shed just get mad.i know she would from experience), most of her interaction w them when shes not cutely calling them her kids bc theyre cute to look at is screaming at them for barking, she literally spends the entire day at times talking abt how she wishes she didnt have them n their food is getting way too expensive for how much money we have.so yk she decided to give them away to this guy w a HUGE farm space proper for dogs like them, ignoring how she treats them one could say its noble she realized theyre not well here n let them go somewhere better for their needs

anyways then in less than a day she threw a hissy fit she wanted her "children" back bc she cannot see pets as animals but as cutesy children who need mommy constantly so the dogs r back at somewhere theyll eventually die of boredom bc their only entertainment is barking at lizards bc my mom cant understand dogs have needs n arent there to play cutesy family roles n look nice.its just your responsability for a pet owner to know your ANIMALS needs, n some ppl r literally just not cut to own pets if they insist on seeing them as "essentially people bc its cute to treat them like they r" than animals w specific needs to be kept

like.on base calling pets family is cute.i get the appeal im willing to play along w being the pets sister bc it IS a cute term to use for fun.but when you do it sm you can no longer understand you own animals n not literal children (granted if she treated a child like that shed land in jail immediately) thats just.honestly youre just kinda stupid n obviously get pets bc theyre cute to have, not bc you want to take care of animals

[enchantingruinscandy]

heyyy u got ocs u wanna share w the class 👁️👁️

okay so at first i didnt know which to pick, but almost all of my ocs will be talked about in one way or another at some point. so im gonna tell you about an older oc who i made in middle school and havent really done anything with since (under the cut)

her name is alex sampsin and her universe is completely original. kinda inspired by my two hyperfixations at the time (sly cooper and batman), she comes from a family of thieves. everyone in her family had a specialty. i dont remember everyone's skills anymore and i doubt i have the journal with my notes either. her skills were with technology and lockpicking. looking back, her family was kind of like a gang, like there was an initiation they had to go through and it was kind of brutal to do to your kids. but anyway, they were highly skilled and known in circles of other criminals for their ability to get in, get the goods, and get out without being detected.

Alex, as kids do, did what her parents told her and helped them steal, but she always felt bad about it. when she was maybe 5 (idr how old, but she was very young) she tried to get out and ran to the nearest police station. however, when they realized who she was they told her to return to her family and work for them as a double agent. she did so and spent the next decade or so feeding information to the police, who knew of the sampsins, but had no evidence and needed to catch them in the act. Alex couldnt be too obvious about feeding info to the outside, and if she lacked in her skills her parents would figure it out, so she worked just under her capabilities and the police never caught the family.

one day (and i dont quite remember why), alex had enough. she couldnt keep being a double agent, so she fled to her aunt and uncle's home. alex wasnt forced to go back to her parents and the cops had to find a new way to catch the thieves.

alex got to spend the rest of her teenage years as a pretty normal kid. she graduated and went to college for a degree in smth to do with computers (i had one picked but idr it). after college is when she strayed from the path of normal yet again.

she knew first hand that the cops couldnt do their jobs, so someone else would have to pick up the slack. she decided to become a vigilante. she used her tech skills to build a suit that looked like an anthropomorphic panther, with a long prehensile tail. she that people would not be happy with what she was doing, and that it was harder to be found if people didnt know to look for you (hence making ppl think she was a mutant cat thing).

i never really got any good plot lines written for her, but i did have a space arc halfway planned in which she gets kidnapped by these badass winged aliens and only one is friendly enough to help her out (lorate you will always be famous to me). i also had planned her first major task, which was to put a stop to her family's schemes, in which people discover she exists and started making conspiracy theories as to what she is (she has a lot of fun with that btw)

i had a set design for her initially, but i kept deciding i didnt like it and wanted to change it, but if i find lorate's design i will share it bc i still think its so good. also i never settled on a name for her hero identity i liked. she didnt name herself, but i kind of thought other people might refer to her as 'the cat' bc wtf else are you gonna call that thing?

ty sm for the ask, winter! sorry i took so long to get to it!

[edai-crplpnk]

Hey hey! So i havent fully read ur fics (its on my to read list but uh..... Im really bad at actually reading stuff on there djdndn one day i shall read ur entire fic list) but ive liked what ive seen so far so ur really high on my to read list and i saw u post the new chapter for the smell of the rain and i didnt see it was a multip chap at first so i just started reading it sjsjsjdj and this line specifically took me out so bad that i couldnt finish the chapter the day i started reading it bc i just kept laughing every time i went back to read it.

"he had always thought of himself as the kind of person to be able to make rational down-to-earth decisions no matter what – which was a delusion already, Kankurou’s memories of his first exchange with Shino are definitely infused with a lot of acting on impulse and out of spite –" like this is just fucking gold its so hilarious hello? Anyway. This has made me eant to read all ur works like right this second so expect a lot of kudos ig?? Idk what the point of this was i just wanted to let u know how much that line made my day and it felt awkward leaving it as a comment when i actually hadnt fully read the series. Hdjdjdd so ye. But im loving what ive read so far! The way u characterise is really fun! Hope u have a good day/night ty for sharing ur writing with us!

No judgement, I am bad at getting myself to read things too haha

I just love the idea of Shino being like- this guy that really imagines that he is calm and not emotional and not the type to make decisions on impulse and everything (not like a certain somebody) (kiba) when he is truly easily overwhelmed by emotions and generally not great at dealing with them.

And it doesn't help that a lot of people do see him like that too. He's the nerd with the monotonous voice that you can always go to to ask a question and is always available and will answer even you don't listen to him 9 times out of 10. He serves that role both within the konoha 13 and within team 8 between Kiba's impulsivity and Hinata's shyness/emotional sensibility. He's meant to be the down-to-earth guy and he's not.

He repeatedly gets angry and frustrated in the canon but it's barely ever listened to because he's not good at expressing it in a way that sounds serious enough. And also I think he's not great at handling irrational and unanticipatable things, like his own emotions. He needs to be able to rationalise and makes sense of things and have explanations and justifications. And on the one hand, it does help because he spends a lot of time thinking his choices through and explaining them, but on the other, when he is faced with an emotion that is too strong or unexpected to be able to be channeled through reason, he as absolutely no tools to deal with it and he's just overwhlmed.

In conclusion, yes, I think he's the type of guy to make implulsive and maybe misinformed decisions because he's horny and he has a crush and the whole time he is internally staring at himself thinking "god why the fuck am I doing this???" lmao

Coincidentally, for the "why is Shino a teacher in Boruto where did that come from" crowd (I'm not judging, I get it), I think this why he's both good and bad with children. He's good at containing people and providing a cohesive and explained framework, justifying rules and letting space for them to be debated reasonably so that things make sense, and I think that's valuable for a lot of kids who often get assigned random rules and you have to follow them because that's what rules are for and adults decide. But also, children have many emotions often, they can be chaotic, especially a group of them, and, once again, when being consistent and fair and justifying himself does not suffice to make this manageable, he is probably quite quickly out of other options.

Anyway, I love him!

Please enjoy my 135k words of KankuShino as you please, I hope you'll have fun!

(another time maybe o can write about how, coincidentally, makes him both very similar and the opposite to Kankurou haha)

[trickstarbrave]

i saw some people bitching on tiktok about art/commission prices again and i feel like ranting

idk why someone got it in their heads all artists are upper class rich folk trying to scam you out of something that isn't hard at all for us to make. art takes time and energy--time and energy we could literally spend doing ANYTHING else. we could be spending time with our loved ones, working a regular job with reliable pay and better benefits, or even just making art WE want to see. most of us are working class or poor.

"but you could charge less and get more customers" who the hell wants to work more for less pay. genuinely. would you rather work 90 hours for 10 bucks an hour or 40 hours for 35 bucks an hour? like get real. past a certain point of popularity you will be literally unable to keep up with commissions bc you cannot physically make them fast enough and stay healthy so higher prices mean you can dedicate more time to people who want it more

"well your art isnt even GOOD" if someone's art isnt your taste or technically worth it to you then dont buy it. to really get good at commissions you do have to build an audience and if they havent then they'll figure out they need to improve or network/promote more. you bitching about it isnt helping them figure it out any faster, and you bitching to artists who DO reliably get commissions at that price makes you look like a whiny brat

"but you COULD charge less and still survive. that means youre scamming people" listen i know you are used to be catered to by large corporations who can use literal slave labor to make things dirt fucking cheap but ethical labor costs more. we are not large corporations with big art machines shitting out subpar garbage you can buy off the rack. you are asking for handmade, customized things from someone in a place with a higher cost of living. we cannot and will not bend over backwards to appeal to the lowest common denominator. see above: we have better things to be doing with our time and this shit costs time and labor to produce. if you dont want a handmade custom art piece or dress or jewelry consider buying from shein then you cheapskate and get out of this market.

because, see above: we have better things to be doing. you are the one asking me to spend my free time making you something because you want it supposedly. i could instead be making things i like. i have the luxury too where if i dont wanna do something i dont have to. i dont have to pick up extra work for you. other artists can find other customers that arent you. if YOU want something you should make it worth the artists wild. no i dont wanna do a full custom painting for you for 40 dollars. i would barely get out of bed for 40 dollars. if i told you to clean my whole house for 10 dollars and deep clean it you would probably tell me im insane and you're not gonna do all that work for 10 god damn dollars. 10 dollars wont even pay for the cleaning supplies.

i dont take commissions anymore specifically bc i kept getting burnt out. i felt i had to make it cheaper to get more when in reality all it did was make more work with little reward. i didnt feel happy making art anymore. it became a chore, and i didnt wanna make anything for myself after i spent hours and hours making other stuff for other ppl. im lucky enough now to have a corporate job with more free time so i can get paid enough to survive and still make art. if i ever decided to again i would probably price it rly high bc tbh. if you want me to make you a custom piece i dont rly wanna draw you had better make it worth the soul crushing work that is turning a passion of mine into a profit.

and lastily with the "you could charge less and still survive" artists deserve to not only survive but thrive. artists deserve free time to make what they enjoy and have other hobbies. artists deserve to not have to work overtime to have stuff in savings. you do too in fact as a non-artist, but attacking artists for wanting that and trying to make it a reality that they get paid not just a survival wage but a FAIR wage is not actually helping anyone.

[poems-of-a-lover]

I NEED PETER AND HARRY TO KISS!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<3

THANK U THANK U YESLKJAGHLKSJDHGKJSHGKJSLDG THEYRE SOOOOOOO

okay. my peterharry rant for anyone interested. sorry to this poor anon but im gonna use this as an excuse to talk abt them.

peter and harry grew up together up until peter was 10 and harry was 11 ish. they were so close. when richard and mary passed, harry was right there to help peter figure it out bc peter was only, what, 8 years old? these children had to deal with such an incredible loss at such a young age. now in the tasm timeline they never say explicitly what happened to harrys mother, but in other canon she got sick and passed when harry was really young, so thats my canon. i think that mrs osborn was an incredible mother for harry, but it wasnt enough. and then she got sick and distant, and she passed, and harry pretended not to care. it was easier for him that way. then harry was sent away to boarding school when he was 11, and then he bounced around from country to country until he was 20. the only reason he came back to new york was because mr osborn was dying of retroviral hyperplasia, "the osborn curse", which harry has started to show symptoms of. also norman didnt tell harry this was genetic until he was already showing signs of having it, just gonna throw that out there. so harry comes back, his dads dead, he takes over this incredibly expensive company all on his own, and then in walks his childhood best friend that he hasnt seen in nearly ten years. and harrys scared at first, he doesnt know how to respond. peter comes and apologizes about harrys father, says he understands what its like and hes always gonna be there for whatever harry needs. he goes to leave, but harry stops him with a joke. harry jokes first, and the ice breaks. theyre right back to where they were years ago, like nothing changed. they spend the day walking around town, joking and catching up and just being together for the first time in years. then the next day, harry finally tells peter he's sick over the phone. peter goes to oscorp to check in on him, and this is when harry says that he thinks spidermans blood will cure him, bc of the self heal aspect of it. of course, peters incredibly wary, and he says that he'll try to get ahold of spiderman to help him. harry basically made him promise, because he doesnt want to end up sick and alone and dying. like his father. harrys continuously getting worse and worse but peter has other things going on, with electro out and trying to figure things out with gwen. harrys discovering secrets about oscorp but they dont like that, so hes fired. now, harry goes to team up to electro, and he basically considers peter an enemy at this point, because in his eyes peter turned him down and refused to save his life when all he had to do was get spiderman. so harry and electro team up now, so harry can get spidermans blood, then electro can do what he wants with him afterward. harry eventually figures out that they kept the venom of the spiders that turned peter into spiderman, so he has one of the staff bring him down there and inject him with it. thats whats starts the green goblin transition. theres a split second after the injection where harrys shaking stops. the pain is gone. his head is quiet. hes finally healthy. but somethings wrong. his body starts to change, he's dying at an incredibly faster pace now. his last hope is to desperately crawl to one of the suits in the room, which enables bodily regulation so hes able to function and be stable. peter finishes off his boss battle with electro while this is happening, he kills him, and hes talking to gwen about going to leave before he hears laughter and the glider engines circling above him. harry finally reveals himself, and he looks sickly. he looks incredibly ill and frail, but hes grinning wildly. peter asks him "harry...what did you do?" and harry just grins wider and replies "what you made me do. you were my friend and you betrayed me." peter claims that he was just trying to help and be the good guy, but harrys not buying it. harry says that peter pretends to give people hope, but he just takes it away, so now hes gonna take away peters. before peter can respond, harry has gwen and hes in the air, hovering for a bit before dropping into the clocktower.

peter goes after them and tries to catch her but has no luck, just hanging her with a web for now while he fights with harry. they fight before harrys knocked unconscious, and all of the cogs and dials of the clocktower fall apart. gwen falls, and peter immediately goes after her but shes too late. gwen hits the ground before peter can get to her, and she dies. now we dont see harry again until after her funeral, but hes been detained in ravencroft. he talks about building a team, which is alluded to be the sinister six team that wouldve been in the third movie if it hadnt been canceled. and im so mad that i was canceled.

[yourmoonmomma]

hey can I ask your advice on this common issue? what do you think is the best option cause girl I have struggled with friends since forever. Every other person is either so self absorbed that they need jesus or idfk are people getting worse at communication and listening?

do you think its better to a) have limited amount of "friends" even fi you dont meet them regularly enough

b) those friends that only ever message once in a blue moon orrrr if they do ever meet up with you everything is abt them

c) or non at all bc everyone puts up a facade and you dont know which one is the real them

I feel like I have run into all sorts of people yet nothings stuck besides similar patterns in the type of people I seem to be running into. Even family and parents are sometimes a bit of a letdown as well or I barely get to see other relatives anymore. idk but the way society is currently doesnt give me good feelings and it seems that if we dont have or get into something early on we dont get to maintain close connections whereas others might just have been at the right time or place to meet their life long buddies. I tried clubs, online activities with another friend but it just didnt stick to me like that one thing would be all we had in common or they kinda didnt care to explore other activities that we couldve done well at together.

I just think and am concerned with how selfish people are becoming and how people dont even want to be accountable for nothing they ever did wrong either? Like you ask person can you not interrupt me but they will keep doing it over and over cause it seem nothing I say sticks to anyones mind. Then I get told off if im ever too loud or too quiet so I cant win with anyone. Even tho other adults are also loud and even more obnoxious than whatever im trying to do I jusr cant seem to receive the same attention long enough to feel valued

I mean say you had same age friend in college who kept turning down ur offers to socialise outside of their area / home? its rude asf imho, I even tell her that sure we can gift each other bday presents orrr we might hang out during class and such but anything else she didnt care to spend other time in my area or seeing something new or doing something new... every time I ask someone been rejecting me or almost ignore my existence even if they claim to be my "friend" I dont even tell no one nothing abt myself bc u dont know how the other person going to react and some people are chronic talkers or overshare too much and I think those types of people are more annoying to deal with bc u got to basicslly be their audience and they too also dont care that much to ask u nothing to show u no interest in ur intersts. it dont seem to matter what age or generation they be either. but damn people are getting harder to connect with bc u dont know what personality they going to have when trying to engage with them.

some people also outright contradict themselves or gaslight others in the same paragraphs or sentences too which make it harder to point out they doing it cause nobody ever wanna admit they at fault for something or other. so I cant win with that bc people seem to be so mentally asleep about themselves. I have experienced literal adult men throwing tantrums for over decade and got not a single response whenever I be trying to share my interest with them they just dont care or relatives idfk. I mean I can vent to someone and they show almost no emotion nor concern for my vent or problem. mostly bc they wont believe me or dismiss anything i ever say if they dont believe it as well.

same for those who dont ask how you doing? is the world just becoming so blindsided and cliquey, if we dont have the same level of interest that others have in themselves then they aint going to care but its been such a common pattern in my life and ik something was off when I was doing this fun run and was supposed to run with my "friends" but they ended up running slower basically to avoid me even tho i dont say nothing wrong to them then or at any point. idk why social rejection is worse feeling than completely being ignored cause at least I now want only peace in my life instead of buncha fake ass people who dont care in the long run but then life is less fun at the same time.

when ur a kid u think u can get so much praise and attention but when u an adult u quickly realise who really dont care in the long run or they can sometimes say they care but when u really upset with them they dont care to correct their behaviour. I think I been dealing with narcs my whole life bruh. sorfy for rambling thanks for reading

I think the first option is better. HOWEVER I am also a bad friend. Like I'll state it right off the bat to people. A mutual friend, Joy, recently messaged me saying she'd love to be closer with me, and I told her that I'd also love that, BUT I am not a good friend. I forget to text back, I almost NEVER text first, I'm flaky with plans, etc etc. If you need someone, I am there, but just as a general everyday friend? I'm not that great! So BECAUSE of that, your first option sounds better for me. But it may not be what feels best for you! However, I don't think isolating from numerous negative experiences is a good idea. I know it's hard to keep trying, but it will eventually be worth it.

You have to find the people who are more like-minded to you, and they ARE out there. Frankly I think you & my friend Jonah would get along REALLY well, you two seem to have similar personalities, or at least talk about very very similar things/experiences! You will find your people <3

Social rejection hurts more because you opened yourself. You're saying "maybe this will work this time." Your inner child is eagerly looking for connection and love and wants so badly for this to be the time you aren't rejected. So it feels like a slap in the face. You're right, if you don't put yourself out there, it doesn't hurt as bad!!! But you will also end up missing out on a lot.

And just know, you are NOT in the wrong for being hurt by those situations. I would be hurt too. I've been upset with a few friends lately who are always "so excited" to see me, but then if I spend a couple days NOT travelling to them, they will straight up ignore me or refuse to come over because it isn't worth their time. That shit hurts. So this college friend? I'd be upset too in your position. Likewise the running situation? I've been the third friend trailing behind another two while they talk. I've straight up stopped and watched them not realize, at all, that I wasn't with them anymore. Again, that hurts. GOOD friends? Don't do that. Or, if they do, they're willing to apologize and correct the behaviour. At least, friends who are good for you!

Also I'm probably gonna prove your point right that most people suck LOL but I'm sorry I have such a hard time answering your asks sometimes!! Big blocks of texts are hard for me to respond to unmedicated, or when I'm under the weather, or just... feeling my ADHD symptoms at all. Sounds like an excuse, but I am sorry, and I do always read your full messages, even if I don't respond <33

[crazylil-lion]

Anyone else genuinely scared to look at themselves in the mirror?

Like not only because I hate how I look but because I don't recognize the thing standing before me.

It doesn't feel real. How could that be me?

I look myself in my eyes and I see someone else.

Empty, dead eyes, a sadistic grin. The part of me that knows no matter how much I try to drown it out with lorazepam. With loud music. With games. With anime. Multitasking until I'm dead to avoid the fucking monster inside me.

When I look into my eyes in the mirror I see the demon before me and I get sick. Thoughts of all the things I've done wrong, things I could have done better. People I could have helped and given more to flash before my eyes.

I don't recognize myself because the truth is who I am died years ago in that house.

My personality was destroyed my life turned meaningless.

All that mattered was being enough, giving more and more. Asking for as little as possible.

Get love based on how much you do.

Its funny. If 4th grade people wrote notes about the favorite thing they enjoyed about each of us.

I had so many nice comments. How sweet and kind I was. How bright and bubbly I was. How I use to brighten rooms up and make people smile.

I think back and i remember going to school pretending everything was okay.

Pretending that I was okay.

Over those years 9-15 everything about me was destroyed.

Befoee that age it was bad. The screaming. The fear the pain. The threats.

But it didn't really hit me until I was around 10.

Thats when the fire nation attacked( jk😂)

Anyway. Thats when it got worse. The abuse got worse. My presents always being stolen. Literally if I was called for I had to drop what I was doing and go. That second. If I didn't they would scream. Come pound on my door. Drag me out by my arm. Scream so close I felt their breath.

Spanked or slapped. Or just threatened.

I did the chores. Most of them. I kept my siblings from crying or it was my fault.

The only escape I really had was weekends with dad but he would just dismiss moms actions. Dismiss my words tell me to just be strong because I was the only one that could be there for them. He tried his hardest still does working 80 hrs anychance he gets to support moms lazy ass.

I was blamed for so much. I changed my hair color to pink when I was 10 and I got screamed at. Told I was unlovable. A freak. People would make fun of me. No one would ever wanna date me. I was forced to skip school the rest of the week so they could change it back.

If they hit me and I cried I was told to man up before they gave me a real reason to cry.

I've never really had support. Or someone who unconditionally loved me.

All ky relationships where me giving everything to get barely anything in return.

My one good relationship ended basically overnight.

Everything was great she was going to come see me some times soon or I see her.

I tried to spend time with her she kept hanging out with her friend, whoch I was like, okay, np we got all the time in the world. Then a few days later she wants to have phone sex after I worked all day its like 830 and the walls are so thin I hear the group of people in the room next door.

I say I really didnt feel up to it bc I was tired and I just wanted to talk.

She blows up saying I don't ever do anything with her after staying at a friends for days.

That everything changed when I moved bc I was busy.

I begged for her to support me. Saying its hard after moving from my siblings. The only thing that kept me alive for years.

She left. Within a week it was over she was gone. Didn't respond. Said she wanted space and went and got into another relationship like a week or two later. And that was it until her relationship went bad and she talked to me again.

The one relationship that I thought I mattered in threw me away basically in days. Moved on and barely talked to me after multiple bad relationships.

Really I just wanna be noticed once. Everyone talks of their stories. Their relationships. Getting hit on.

I'm here like yeaaa everyones basically treated me like shit my whole life.

I just can't relate.

To their lives.

To being able to live as children.

Ive missed out on so much for so long. All I've wanted was love. Romance. The cheesy shit. Flowers. Smothering eachother in kisses. Cooking together. Talking about our day's.

Its all I want.

I want to know a safe warm embrace.

I wanna know what its like to be chosen and wanted.

What its like for someone to try for me. To think about me.

I wanna matter. I'll do anything. Give them anything. Treat them like my goddess. Worship them build them up. I just wanna feel fucking safe. Have someone proud. Have someone want me. Want to have romantic cheesy shit.

The truth is I'll never be able to love myself without intimacy or affection.

I was starved of it. Idk what its like to be held.

I can't love myself because my family only loved what I could provide. Not me. Me was pushed down. Broken and abused.

I wanna kill myself because I don't think I'll ever have that love. That safety. Someone I can open myself up to. Show all my scars and have embrace me. I just want to feel loved and wanted. I want to kill myself because im tired of pain and suffering. I'm tired of trying my hardest when it feels like multiple people trying to smother me. When I feel like theres a hurricane in my mind.

I wanna kill myself because honestly I feel its the only out. To a peaceful quiet empty place.

I place I don't have to hurt anymore.

I'm not surprised no one wants me though...

I'm just this ugly thing. Not masc enough for most girls. Not feminine enough for others.

Not cute.

Too shy.

I'm just not someone worth noticing and thats okay.

Just try to smile and enjoy pretending to be part of a group. Part of the peoples from works friend group.

Be the person that lifts others up bc thats the only way anyone will keep me around. Is if I'm useful and helpful. Kind and polite. Friendly and understanding.

People will only keep me around if I try my hardest to please. If I give everything and ask for nothing.

I'll never be loved or wanted any other way.

So I'm done.

I'm ready to go.

Let me not awake from my sleep.

Let me rest in peace.

[caramelmochacrow]

hi hello i just finished reading all the unit stories today and yesterday :)

i have 48 chapters (not counting CoA's) left of the second story to read yaaaaaaaaaaay

i read rondo's unit story first from beginning to end but realized how long it would take so i just read the first ten for the other units then i went back to the others and finished them

(im just gonna ramble abt rondo, merm4id and peaky here and it's long a shit especially for peaky so tis under the cut)

rondo's made me feel lots of things and them trusting and believing that nagisa will come back is sooo everything to me and that hurts even more knowing what flor seca is abt.

it sounds like aoi hiiro and tsubaki made that song to reach out to nagisa to tell her that they miss her and want her back.

and that kinda makes me tear up lol

rondo is nothing without all four of them so how should they move on now? do they quit and disband like garland or do they continue on without one of the pillars that make up rondo?

the thing with calendula's curse is really interesting, is it real or fake? and the person to decide is nagisa.

nagisa being the one to break the curse makes sense. koyomi is the opposite of nagisa, she believed that she wasnt an amazing guitarist and calendula changed how she saw herself, she become dependent on calendula to the point that she became obsessed with it.

but nagisa always knew that she was good, she knew that because of calendula, she makes calendula have a unique sound and unlike any other guitar. she knows that a guitarist is good by their skill, not their guitar and that made her not fall into the curse.

im not going to talk abt that anymore cause i might cry and only talk abt rondo so its time for merm4id!!!

them trying to become closer and become a better unit by going around japan is very merm4id!

saori probably being the only member that knows how to drive is such a funny thought

also when saori accidentally broke her stage costume and said that people might think that "this isn't MY merm4id!" and start disliking them over their new outfits was sad.

she cares a lot abt the fans in a good way and in a bad way. she cares abt how they see merm4id and their opinions abt them and she's afraid of changing that.

but like dalia said in the story (paraphrased) it doesn't matter if merm4id just changes their look, if this is how merm4id looks now then that's how merm4id looks now, the fans can't change or decide that. and that is just. wow.

also. like. i got to know more abt saki a little bit!

when they mentioned hokkaido i just knew something involving saki will happen and i was very glad to find out it was true!

it's so sweet that her mentor kept the cat plushie! like. ughhghghghgh gghhhhfkihg

idk how to word my other thoughts abt it but they got so close to the point that it was difficult for them to spend time alone without the others is something. something meaning it's gay. it sounds gay.

onto the peaky gals!

so peaky's was quite interesting to me bc i got to learn more abt michiru and they way shinobu thought of herself

shinobu was always confident in her mixes and songs. she never had second thoughts until she saw toka and mana perform together and outshone peaky

she started doubting herself and her music, wondering if it was good enough to be on par and be better than toka's.

then she didnt join (or lost) the remicon, ruining her record.

to michiru of all people.

michiru -- like what her uncle has been saying all this time -- is an amazing dj.

she has a lot of potential, but she has too much of an ego to work with other people and she doesn't have confidence in herself and her music like how shinobu does.

she gets shaken up easily, she runs away, and she changes things up to appeal to her audience to the point that her own style is barely present.

comparing her to shinobu, their differences are clear.

shinobu doesn't get shaken up, she doesn't run away, and she doesn't change things to appeal to an audience to the point that her style is barely apparent.

until she saw toka perform.

when she was working on their new song it sounded a lot like toka's style of track making with her style barely there (like when she first started out she just copied whatever her grandpa did bc she didn't know if it was good enough at the time) and whenever they performed shinobu had second thoughts and changed their set list last minute.

but unlike michiru, shinobu had peaky to back her up and help her out with her slumps and mistakes.

like how shinobu messed up her new last minute set list mid-performance because she thought it was terrible and yuka covered it up by showing off a video she made of their performance in d4fes(?)

when they were adjusting the said song, they managed to finish that thanks to esora and yuka's help w the lyrics.

but, even if michiru joins or makes a unit, she doesn't know how to lead or act w them, and that's clear with that yuki sakura girl's unit and the dj musketeers.

with the dj musketeers she had to learn how to lead by herself there, but couldn't. she's good by herself yes, that's true, but she needed to learn how hard it is to be a leader and her uncle and shinobu's grandpa made her learn that the hard way.

in the yuki sakura unit, michiru is treated as some dj, not as this great and amazing dj that she thought she was bc yuki thought that all of them were amazing and of equal skill so why should she get special treatment if they are all the same?

in there she had to learn how to work with people, and how she must understand that everything isn't about her, but that stings her and started performing sloppily.

adding that and how she thinks that shinobu is amazing and how she'll never amount to her skills, it breaks her.

michiru is a reflection of what shinobu would've been if she didn't turn down kyoko's request to form peaky.

[dmumt]

.

[lady-ika]

•

[house-in-the-backyard-trees]

my mom can be so mean

[bloodycassian]

Reader x Cassian - Hellish Prompt: Reader is an assassin/spy that was caught and azriel has spent months torturing her for information and can’t get anything out of her and cassian eventually goes to see who this assassin/spy is and the mating bond snaps and cassian beats the $hitt out of az bc of the mating bond instincts and rhys has to intervene and break up the fight (i was thinking this could switch between azriel’s POV at the start and then switch to cassian's POV)

AN- this was SO fun to make. Please more requests like this!! I love the idea of unexpected mates!

TW -blood/ blades.  

Drip, drip, drip. Copper smell filled the small room. Blood leaked down the drain in the floor. You wheezed a laugh bitterly and spat on the ground at his feet. Azriel's rage simmered calmly under his dark shadows. They coiled, ready to strike. Wanting to strike. The sound of your feeble laughs was practically the only sound Azriel had gotten from you for the first week of torture.  The second week was worse, even for him. Truth teller revealed nothing when he gouged into your skin from the bottom up. Truthfully, he was impressed beyond measure. But that didnt mean that he could stop the job at hand. He had to know, and wished he didnt have to do this kind of thing to get the information from you. "Listen..." He sighed, cleaning his blade. He was always nervous whenever he had a back turned to an enemy, no matter how well they were restrained. But he trusted his shadows enough to tell him if something was wrong.  "If you just.. Cooperate and tell me where the Queens are, we can let you go. No trouble, just releasing you back to Rask." He tried to keep his tone neutral, but he was nearing an exhaustion point. Torture every day for two weeks had its toll not only on the victim, but the dealer as well. His shadows seemed to be growing restless too, waiting for a chance to strike.  He watched your reaction from the corner of his eye. Noted the way your head hanging loosely seemed to gain a bit more strength before you spoke. "Losing your touch, Spymaster?" You revealed a row of bloody teeth to him, and grunted when the chains at your wrists stung the magic that weakly attempted to help you.  Azriel could have sighed. He could have laughed and bled you dry. Have a healer come and patch you up enough to keep you alive. The idea was tempting, but he didn't like having anyone besides his brothers see him in this mode of darkness. He could have brought Rhys down to attempt to break into your mind again. After the first attempt and Rhys' reaction to being blocked, he wasn't eager for that again. So he sighed, and brought out the potions laced with Faebane.  + He was convinced you weren't a normal Fae. After months of his best torture methods he was a wreck. "She just-" He tried to hide his frustration, but his brothers knew him best. Cassian smirked by the fire, warming his wings. Rhys seemed a bit more concerned, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Azriel had never been one to spend a long time on torture. Rhys saw the frustration flowing from him after every session with the stubborn Fae in the dungeon cell.  "I dont know what to do anymore. She's the only one to have never broken." He ran a hand though his hair. His shadows seemed weak, exhausted like him.  Rhys considered for a moment, looking between his two brothers. Cassian seemed to be enjoying Azriel's frustration. Maybe a bit too much. Rhys sipped his wine then, with a look of innocence, "Maybe we will have Cassian end it. Perhaps seeing the Lord of Death in front of her will knock something loose."  Cassian's stare whipped to him, a silent plea on his face. "We should leave it to our expert Rhys-" Azriel laughed, cold and bitter. "The expert hasn't got a damn thing out of her. We either kill her or send her back to Rask with all the information she's collected about us. With nothing in return." Shame lined his features. The sense of failure to his high lord was a heavy weight to bear. "Cas...I expect you down there tomorrow afternoon. It will be her last chance." Rhys' no nonsense tone shut down Cassian's retort. His jaw locked with distaste. He hated the cramped cells below the house of wind. Hated the way going underground made his wings feel like they needed to stretch. The worst was when that stale air was laced with the rotting smell of dead mice or old blood. It made his skin crawl just thinking about it.  "Come on Cas, dont you want to see the only one that's outlasted me?" Az asked with a mock grin. He couldn't give the same smile back. Turmoil spilled inside him at the thought of going so far below the mountain.  + Cassian took a long time to go to bed that night. His restlessness about the next day made him wake up over and over, never having more than an hour of peace before being waken up.  Azriel held up a mug of tea to him the next morning. "You look like shit." He handed his brother the mug with a small smile. Cassian glared at him, but took it anyway. He went to the balcony, his heavy wings needing to feel the fresh air. It was like taking a bath after being covered in grime. He sighed in relief, letting the late morning sun graze his body. The cold wind from Illyria was beginning to come in for the winter, and the familiar smell ignited something in him. He felt a draw, but shoved it to the back of his mind. He knew what he had to be this day. "Why the hell do we have to keep them so far down again?" Cassian complained. Around and around and around. Down deeper and deeper into the pit of the mountain that the house above was carved out of. Cassian felt like his lungs were collapsing the further they went. He tried not to let his nerves show, but he knew Az's shadows would pick up on it anyway.  "Remember when you broke your arm chasing down that Attor?" Azriel could have laughed at that memory, but the story surrounding it made the experience soured. More shame on top of the guilt already there.  Cassian hummed in approval, welcoming the distraction the memory brought. He tried not to focus on how each turn of the staircase got darker and darker. How the air seemed to compress around him. He locked his eyes on the scar on one of Az's wings. "And we spent a week fixing the top story of that apothecary?" He asked, keeping his voice steady.  "Yes. Dont you remember how the Attor got out?" Cassian shook his head, and Azriel huffed a laugh. "I left the door open for just a second to get a new knife and..." He shook his head, part in anger and regret, part in shame. "It had escaped before I turned around. I dont know how it happened, to this day."  Cassian stared at the back of the shadowmaster's head. The dark ripples around him seemed to spike. "It happens Az, you can't be perfect."  "It's not perfection, its basic thought. After that we moved all enemies to the lower dungeons. No matter the threat. Rhys even put wards on the arches." He ran a hand over the walls, his fingers catching a few of the grooves that linked each spelled archway to the other.  Cassian left the conversation at that. At least his brother wasn't brooding as much as before. The dim lights began to come into view, and his heart began hammering. Adrenaline singing through his veins. His polished siphons glowed, reflecting red off the dark stone ceiling. He had polished all his black armor the night before, when he couldn't sleep. Something poked, prodded at him all night. Keeping him awake. He figured he may as well make use out of it.  "She's not going to talk to you unless you show..weakness first." Azriel said in a low voice. Cassian nodded, reaching the end of the stairwell with him.  Cassian couldn't see the dark figure in the cell, but he felt the presence nonetheless. The dark draw that you demanded. He wondered how Azriel had dealt with that pull this whole time. The tantalizing draw to you. He shook his head, pushed the hair out of his face and nodded to Azriel.  He opened the door, then began his ritual. At the start of every session he would toss a bucket of water over your body, then a bucket of salt. It made the wounds that handn't healed fully scream in pain. You jolted at the suddenness of it this time. "Good morning, shadowsinger." You ground out, voice rough with strain. Cassian watched in awe at his brother.  Cassian was never one for torture. There was a reason Azriel was appointed to this position. Watching the calm cruelness of him was jarring, but Cassian kept his face straight. He stood behind you, watching the flimsy attempts to pull at the shackles holding your arms up. Lacerations dotted each arm, some light pink scars. Some were still scabbing over. A chill ran down his spine.  "You have a guest today, would you like to see him?" Azriel's voice was cool, calm. Like he was speaking orders to a group of soldiers. He began slicing new lines into your arms, moving up to your neck. He had left your ears in tact, as a last resort if you refused to speak to Cassian. The pull Cassian felt was overwhelming. He walked a bit too quickly around you, plastered on a wicked smile for show, then crouched down. The smile faded when he finally saw your face. Your dripping hair was a horror on its own. Plastered to the skeletal cheekbones, and pale eyes. Those eyes were brighter than anything he'd ever seen. A field of flowers down the slope of Illyrian mountains. His world shifted, drawing the breath from him. "Mine." His mind seemed to roar with that alone, but in a thousand different variations. "Lover, friend, partner, mine mine mine. Mate. My mate." His lips quivered with the realization. With the way his heart soared, and the way he moved without realizing it. He choked a gasp, and fell forward on his knees before you. He saw the same astonishment in your reaction. Azriel dropped his sword, confusion and concern alert on his features. "Cas wh-" Before he could finish, before his shadows could detect that Cassian had even moved, his brother was on top of him. Cassian's knuckles stung with every punch. A new kind of rage flared inside him. It made his muscles yearn for violence. Made his teeth crave the flesh of those that so much as looked at you wrong. There was no mercy for Azriel, it was as if he was an enemy on the battlefield. Cassian held nothing back. You hung limply from the chains that bound you. Crunch after crunch sounded from Azriel. He eventually managed to push Cassian off of him. Then they locked together in battle again. Clashes of armor against armor were deafening. The snarls they ripped at each other were loud enough to make you cringe. Your heart squeezed at the sounds of Cassian's breath. At the scent of blood spilling. You pulled feebly at the chains, your mind roaring to protect him.  Your mate. You tried to watch the battle, but the weakness in your body refused to let you turn more than a few inches. They were panting, Cassian fighting with a ferocity Azriel had never seen. His eyes flared with rage, like he was possessed. "Cas-" Azriel grunted, shoving his brother backwards. His back hit yours, pushing you down and digging those stone cuffs into your wrists. You hissed in pain. Cassian roared and lunged at his brother again, and again.  The darkness that boomed outside the cell was jarring. The stone ceiling shuddered, small rocks and dirt falling from it. Cassian did not stop. He didn't hesitate, coming at Azriel with punch after punch. His fist crushed the wall behind where Az's head had been. 

"Enough." The high lord's cool command was enough to make you still your weak attempts at looking at the two. Cassian's chest heaved as he tried lifting his arm to punch Az again. Pure fury in his heart was enough to make him disobey Rhysand's order.

  Then Rhys' talons gripped him. Freezing his mind, stilling him. Rhys' face shifted to surprise at what he glimpsed at there. "Oh.." He breathed. Azriel panted, backing away from his brother, out of the cell. He locked the cell and wiped the blood from himself, his wings hanging limply behind him. "What- the hell." He panted, nursing his arm. Cassian's eyes locked to your small frame. How your muscles quivered, how your arms shook with the effort of holding yourself up. He felt Rhys' claws recede slowly from his mind, releasing each part of him one by one. He rushed to you.  He picked up Azriel's sword and with a clean, masterful swipe, broke the enchanted stone that bound you. The weak sigh that came from you was heartbreaking. His eyes pricked with tears, and he caught you before you could fall to the floor into the puddle of dried blood. He didnt notice, or care that it was there. He sat there with you, cradled you and shook with you. 

"Cassian... She's.. Cassian's mate." Rhys said slowly, astonished. He didn't take his eyes from his brother in the cell. Azriel froze in place. For a moment, the dungeon was completely still. Totally silent, as if the world waited for what was to come next.

Azriel turned on a heel and left, trudging up the stairs. Rhys dared not touch his mind. "Cassian...." He spoke, trying to get his brother's attention. He did not glance at Rhys, just curled around your body more. Protecting, nesting almost. Rhys knew the feeling too well from the weeks after he and Feyre's bond snapped into place.  "We will check in tomorrow. Be safe, brother." Rhys spoke to Cassian's mind. It was nothing but an ocean of rushing thoughts. Cassian could have bared his teeth, could have tried to fight his brother through the bars of the cell. Hell, he could have probably broken through those bars with the primal strength flowing through him with the rush from the bond. 

But he didn't. He stayed, his warm body pressed against yours. Those siphons glowing against your skin like a fire. He stroked your hair soothingly, his tears like rainfall on your body, through your bloodstained clothes. He didn't remember falling asleep there, but it was the most restful, peaceful night he'd ever had in his existence.