#bc i don't want to fucking think that i'll STILL be there in january and it just makes me annoyed

[chaoswillcalmusdown]

i keep thinking about how my (assumed) adhd symptoms have gotten way worse since i switched from a workplace i liked to one i really don't like. my motivation is at an all time low and the executive function is just gone. every day i'm like 'oh wow that's 5 things i need to do and now i have less time to do them. yay'

[phoebespenglers]

well i think i know why this is happening to me now.

[lynlyndoll]

thinking of friends to lover w chan.. sorry but I have to do this..

you met him at the beach, he accidentally bumped into you

he lit started rambling w his excuses but you had a smile on your face and when he saw you weren't mad he was smth like "Wait, u aren't mad?". he was so confused😭

but you reassured him that this happens and that it isn't a big deal

he still felt bad, so he got you lunch

you asked him to stay, so you two had a lunch in the beach (pls i want that sm-)

and that's how u got to know each other

hanging out, watching movies etc

before you knew it, you both made a 2 yr old friendship

it was so easy w him. everything was just normal for you both

but things started changing, at least on your part, when it was once raining and you saw a cat freezing outside. even though he likes dogs more, he couldn't let the poor soul there, so he immediately went to get the kitten. he then returned to you and started rambling over how the little guy needs a place to stay, so he said he will take it 😭😭 you wanted to take him as well, but when u saw the look on his face, full of worry for the cat, you gave in

that was the moment u started to feel that you wanted to be more than friends. because he was the kindest person ever. because he always thought about the others in such gentle way.

things started changing for him as well, but you didn't know. he really doesn't know how and when and every other question that he had related to the moment couldn't be exactly answered. but the moment he did realize it was when you, hannah and his mom were having lunch together. he came back from gym and saw the three of you chatting so naturally. obviously, he knew that his family liked you, but the moment where he saw all three, he couldn't stop wondering if this would happen if you'd be his girlfriend.

so, you both started pining over eachother, but without the other one knowing

but, he accidentally revealed it while he thought he was writing to changbin

chan : I can't do this- i feel like im going to explode if I'm not going to tell her, man.

you : tell her what? and who are we referring to?😭

chan : bin, we just talked about it. y/n. tell her that I like her?

you : oh!

that's when he knew he fucked up.

he realized you were the one he texted, so he immediately rushed to his room, locking himself up and throwing the phone on the bed.

you rushed to his bedroom, but saw it was locked. "Chan, it's me.."

he groaned in embarrassment, so you continued. "the texts.. are true, right?"

feeling a little bit awkward to talk to you like that, he opened the door and you sighed in relief. he nods at your question, so you smile "I like you too." is what you say as you hug him

aaaand that's how it goes.. sorry, I am so annoyed that I can't write anything else (even though I want to) as a fic, so I did this😭 I'm so mad (on myself) actually bcs I'll have an exam RIGHT AFTER I GET BACK HOME, on the 6th January.. so I can't even focus on anything else bcs my parents keep bugging me about it. "have you studied?" ofc I did, folks, I'm your child ffs don't yall know me?!😭 anyway, the thing is that I'll try as much as I can to write those Christmas fics.😼

[dapper-lil-arts]

What is your opinion on appledash and twipie?

hoo boy. I was wondering when someone would ask me the burning question about super popular ships.

Okay before i get into it I'll say right now that I'm an extensive romance writer. I've done multiple fics who focus strongly on romance, it's my favorite genre, I've done a LOT of it, and I work on multigenre so I'm always like. Trying to work extra hard to make stories interesting, compelling, character driven, etc etc.

If you want to say "volume doesn't equal quality" to me, i dont fucking know, read my fics before saying that my writing sucks lmao.

And this is just a little bit, I started writing these in january. Anyways, what I mean by this is that I tend to think a LOT when thinkin about romance, I consider every angle, every possibility, I'm not the kinda person that goes "I ship them bc theyre cute" And nothing else, yknow? Yeah you can consider me pretentious if you want, i'm that family guy suit wearing meme lmao.

Anyways, when it comes to writing romance on adapting characters, I often consider multiple angles, such as canon chemistry, fanon chemistry, tropes the characters exist on and tropes they can easily build upon, and one of the most important: What does each of these individual characters want/don't want in a relationship, and what can they provide each other.

There are characters for example that dont express any interest in romance, but that doesnt mean they wouldnt have an ideal partner n whatnot. (Like Twilight not rly ever expressing desire for romance, but very much benefiting from ruling alongside someone) There are characters that are obsessed with romance, but might actually be best with an ideal that isnt what they expected. (How rarity wanted a handsome prince, but might instead just want a fiercely loyal partner that fullfils her emotionally and phisically etc.)

So now we get to the ships that you mentioned.

Twilight sparkle is a studious nerd who enjoys a quiet day reading and relaxing, she loves learning and exploring ideas quietly. How the hell would she ever be happy with Pinkie, who CANNOT sit still, clearly doesnt care for studying or being quiet, and wants to be the center of attention all the time. Sure you could try to spin it as an "Aww the kitty want's attention" But that really isn't enough for me; And it's kinda messed up to HAVE to put your interests aside to give attention to your partner. ...Especially when canon Pinkie's track record with twilight is usually just annoying her over anything and everything.

anyways, canon Pinkie gets together with Cheese sandwich, which is essentially a copy of her. A bit lame, sure, but with it we can understand what she wants in a relationship; she want's to be challenged, she wants someone to match her freak, or at least accompany it. Yeah it's still lame to have a copy of her, but we can take it from the canon exactly what she wants, even if it isn't necessarily what she needs.

What the hell does Twilight provide that Pinkie wants? How does Twilight challenge pinkie on her favorite things, on partying, on living wild? Twilight wants to be chill and read books, why would that be anything but excruciating to pinkie, ESPECIALLY canon pinkie who revels on interrupting and annoying and making the whole room pay attention to her?

This is elementary stuff to me, it's one of the reasons why Sunset x Pinkie works so much, because although Sunset is NOT a copy of Pinkie, she absolutely can match her freak, they can challenge each other and push each other further, they can be a dynamic duo that both love their respective methods of partying. It's lovely! (And hey Sunset has amazing chemistry with twilight for similar reasons, they were both studious under the same teacher, magical overachievers, etc etc etc.)

Imagining that Pinkie has to mellow out to get with someone is kinda weird, since, its the cornerstone of her character that shes bubbly, hiperactive, and loud. And in sunpie you got the brilliant "People that cheerful make me nervous-- Well, not all people, hi Pinkie." ANYWAYS lets get to appledash, I've written enough and got more stuff to do.

In the subject of tropes, this ain't opposites attract, but it isn't equals attract either. People tried convincing me that its smth related to butch v butch romance? but idk if I'm sold on it, generally like... Even if you don't take canon Rainbow into account and how she antagonizes AJ (and most people frankly) and you take it as it is, why would Applejack want to settle down with someone that doesn't care about family or farm work and has no business experience and whatever?

And why, goddamn why, would rainbow dash, the flyby crazy soaring high girl that loves to always be in the skies want to live in a goddamn farm, idk man idk. Sure you can make the argument that it's cute that they'd 'settle' for each other after a rivalry, but eh, they're not even official rivals like lightning Dust, and still! And if you want Rainbow to settle for a quiet life with someone she cares about... Fluttershy is right there, and she is much more chill, much more dedicated to a quiet life, AND she's a childhood friend. If you want Rainbow to get with a rival or with someone that can match her freak, both Lightning Dust and Spitfire are right there, both pegasi, both characters that have this importance and connection to her favorite thing: FLYING (Maybe rainbow is a little bit racist??! Lmao) I also think it doesn't help that AJ has history with so many femme girls that are all rly fun pairs with her (Rarity, Rara, Autumn blaze, Cherry, etc etc) So Rainbow 'the girl that doesn't shower Dash' feels like a sore thumb sticking out on that trend.

Applejack wants someone she can be fiercely loyal and loving with, she's a family mare and she is (by obvious reasons) grounded. Those aren't exactly the perfect fit for Dash, it feels like they'd have to compromise too much to be together.

generally for me is hard to multiship when there's a bunch of better character chemistries surrounding these character. I've refrained from mentioning rarijack too much on this whole shebang but like CMON. And hey. Appledash shippers. If you try to 'gotcha' me and say that appledash is canon, I'll remind you that you have less content than Korrasami. If that satisfies you, lmao, then you have my pity

[professorspork]

director's commentary sdau emerald scene

You know, I really should have seen this coming but I didn't.

Let's put it under a cut bc moderate spice and considerable length:

This scene went through more iterations and re-writes than the vast majority of its brethren.

I dug around in our chat history to find the exact moment we generated the idea, because this one wouldn't have happened without you. and you know what I learned?

it dates to mid-January 2023, which is literally before I started posting newsbees. this idea is OLD. it is some of the EARLIEST MATERIAL of sdau.

I told you I was reading this for fic research in the middle of an unrelated discussion about Emerald; you then joked that all you could think about was Emerald at the sex club giving vytal fic vibes, just bored out of her skull while people throw themselves at her, and I said I hadn't come up with a role for her yet.

you: emerald would try to go to the sex club after getting out of a toxic relationship the way blake did and then she'd be there for 15 minutes and nope the fuck out and run away me: which, actually-- she could be one of blake's one-off partners where after about 5 minutes blake's like "you are allowed to leave we really don't have to do this" and em's like OHTHANKGOD

I briefly considered a much crueler idea in which Blake witnessed Emerald and Cinder doing a scene together, but we quickly agreed that the original idea was the better one.

I haven't been able to find chat history about it, so I'm moderately certain that I didn't tell you about the fact that I'd decided to read poor Emerald for filth and give her the Mommy kink until I started showing you the scene in its original incarnation, in mid-July of 2023 (which has the benefit of showing just how long this project has taken me, lmao).

me: emerald. sweetheart. when you say mommy kink most people assume that means you wanna be coddled and not that you want to be negged. just. just saying me: emerald do you know what mothers are me: emerald

That first version of the scene differed in several keys ways from the final product, but the most crucial of those was that in the first go-around, Blake actually agreed to give Emerald her number. Em asked for it, and Blake said "Sure, I'd like that," and then the scene ended.

I sat on that for *checks time stamps* approximately 29 hours before I broke the news to you that, upon reflection, I didn't buy it; I just couldn't believe that Blake would be in a healthy enough place mentally to do that. the better and more accurate thing for the story would be for Blake to chicken out and then regret it, because she couldn't be for Em what Sun had been for her.

you: oh no why are you doing that it makes me sad me: because if blake is in a cool enough place to do that with em her actually exchanging numbers with yang doesn't hit as hard you: but now I'm so sad me: i mean it's still ME i'm sure i'll find a way for her to encounter em again before the end

(hmmm. Did I do that in the end? I SUPPOSE WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND FIND OUT, DEAR READERS.)

from there, once I'd figured out what the scene was truly for, it was still a lot of effort and tweaking before I got it to read how I wanted to: threading the simultaneous needles of being lowkey arousing but also inarguably unsettling from the jump, so that you're seeing those red flags but maybe, like Blake, thinking they can be overcome until it's very obvious they Can't. I struggled with how to frame it so that it came through that Blake was being... mmm, let's say reckless without crossing the line into Blake being irresponsible, and I wasn't happy with my first stabs at it. in the very first draft, after Em says says she doesn't want to discuss her burn scar and adds "There, that's a boundary, since you wanted one so bad," the prose goes 'There is absolutely no way they are fucking at this point, given Emerald's attitude, and… Blake doesn't know why she stays.'

Which: why would I tell the reader that? It's way too on the nose, and drains the scene of all tension! it also made the spanking moment read as overtly didactic in a way that I didn't like and hadn't intended, so. I tried to drill down into what I thought it was about.

adding the flashback moments to Blake's encounter with Trifa helped considerably; that wasn't in the first draft at all, though the fact that she'd had that encounter was already canon. taking a look at it again, I realized weaving those two together was an opportunity to show why Blake "lets" Emerald make this mistake and indulges her, because it's the same thing Blake went through and she understands it. massaging the tempo and timbre of my vocab took some doing so Blake wasn't in full-on panic attack mode and thus making it all seem WORSE than it already was.

and the final thing I changed was just... twisting that knife more and adding to their rapport. the original draft was brief; it went right from Emerald giving the Cinder backstory to Blake being like "congrats on past tense" and then it was the phone number ask. it was important to me to elaborate on why these two had chemistry, on how they were parallel, and on just how much they liked each other and vibed-- on just how much of an opportunity Blake was missing out on. so Blake laughing more at Em's jokes, and getting the Mercury context, that all came later.

in total, I think this scene had like five or six discrete iterations before reaching its final form.

[astradyke]

Suddenly I need you to write a dissertation on anything!! You're so well spoken <3 since we're getting into a bit of a character (?) study almost on them, I need you to talk about phil's supposed breakdown when dan left him aka went on tour. These two are so codependent it's adorable!! And now in the context of phil incorrectly (but still sweet) explaining to dan the invisible string theory. I can't!!!!! If it wasn't so sweet, it would almost be toxic but I love them!! They're obsessed with each other, only want each other, cannot stand to be separated for more than a day and want us to know it!

i again need to pause and thank you profusely because i am really happy that there is an interest for my little dissertations ^_^ this is the second to last day i have at home before i move back into university so we really need to maximize this time haha

honestly though, i know i say this every time i make a post but i actually don't know how many thoughts i have about this? i dunno... this is going to be messy but, i guess here are some of my thoughts as to why i don't think Dan and Phil are codependent (ft some tangents and affirmations that they are still crazy insane bc you are right and i'm emotional about it)

Dan is leaving me is actually such a masterpiece of a video because it is really like the loudest thing they have ever publicly released, barring the second pizza mukbang video. it's a little ridiculous in concept because like, come on guys, you're in your thirties and you haven't been apart for longer than two weeks? ever? in like a decade? but also like... i don't know! i kind of get it?

one of the aspects of their relationship that Dan specifically really amplifies in interviews (and throughout Dystopia Daily interestingly enough) is the fact that Phil is essentially a part of his everyday routine so much to the point that it's no longer remarkable. it's heard when he describes their relationship as "two 1,000 immortals/ancient divorced couple", or when he says "Phil doesn't count as a person", or when he calls Phil a piece of furniture (can't snag citations right now but if you are unfamiliar with any of these just ask me and i'll find them for you). a lot of these are done snarkily, but it is actually a massive facet of many close relationships: you become so used to each other that your everyday existence is parallel play, and you are so good at communicating that you know how to flow in and out of each other's spaces like it's breathing.

quick little Mare lore drop, let's talk about university! from January to May at the bare minimum, i would spend anywhere from 2-8 hours a day with my best friend (who comes up in these posts way too much i promise that isn't intentional). we'd study together, eat together, hang out together, etc. we were talking about this recently, because i'm actually not the most extroverted person in the world-- i have spent the majority of my time alone this summer by choice-- but i simultaneously spent literally every waking moment with another person in college, aside from when i was asleep and maybe an hour or two in the middle of the day. the last time i FaceTimed him we both spent it playing separate video games and basically not talking for 1-2 hours straight? yet i am exhausted after seeing another very close friend of mine at the mall for like, two hours. how do you reconcile all of that?

the reason why my best friend's company doesn't drain my social battery is because i have embedded being around him so deeply into my routine that my brain doesn't register it as a social event anymore. i could be in a room with him for literally eight hours and only spent about a quarter of that time socializing. and yet, a few days away from going back to university, that reality feels like a total shock to me, because i spend all my time alone-- how the fuck am i going to go back to being with him from three PM to midnight?

well, that's the exact opposite question Dan and Phil had to ask themselves in 2022! the two of them had been so used to each other's company that it really did become part of their daily routines: a post-social event recharge for Dan might not exclude him resting beside Phil, because Phil isn't a Person, he's just Phil who happens to be a person-- Dan's person. Dan playing the Elden Ring DLC involved Phil being there because yes, Dan was the one playing, but Phil's obviously allowed to be there. so, when Dan decides to go off on tour, and the two of them split apart... that's when the question springs up. because suddenly alone time isn't alone time and also Dan's there, it's proper, actual alone time. the things that you forget to do around the house because you know someone else is able to do them shocks you, because it was never a problem to rely on someone before-- Dan was literally always there! etc etc.

and i actually... okay, i love jokes about codependency and sometimes i do look at them (like with parts of Dan is leaving me) and go holy shit you two that's crazy, but i actually don't see this as a codependency thing! it's a pretty massive shock to anyone's system when you live around another person for that long in such a compact space, right? and like they joked about in... shit, i don't remember the video, might have been the wdapteo 3 (?), the two of them were startled to see the other person in the flesh after Dan's long stretch on tour because that is also a massive adjustment! it's kind of a terrifying one to be honest! just like how university life / home life is a distinction for me, home life / WAD life was a distinction for Dan. and i do take note of the fact that this scenario was unfolding while Dan was the one on tour, because I do think we'd see something kind of interesting if it was the other way around-- like, my point holds, but Phil was right in the video when he said that he has lived alone before versus Dan hasn't because as soon as he moved out he found Phil and, well, not even Dan seems to remember when he proper moved in with him versus when he just crashed in his bed for a weekend. tour life gave Dan structure, and i think that overwhelming reset to his system probably helped with the lack of Phil, versus Phil had experienced living alone but didn't have the same routine that led him to handle the shift in company with the same grace. can't fault the guy.

that being said, while i don't think they were codependent exactly in this period of their life, i do think they were still crazy obsessed with each other because like they really cannot go two seconds without calling or texting or saying each other's names it's so funny. i don't really feel comfortable likening anything they have to toxic because i (like all folks here i think) am very very strongly for the idea that really none of it is, they just kind of happen to be a healthy relationship in which both party is convinced they are soulmates and nobody else has ever had a love like theirs. which... cheers, mate. for sure! can't believe Dan and Phil invented romance, should we throw a party, should we invite Joey Graceffa etc etc

anyway! those are my thoughts <3 this is a clusterfuck of a post SORRY i am very sleepy and also between packing 😭 so not as articulate as usual. but i tried!

[soahbee]

!!BIG UPDATE GIRLSSSS HELP!!😭😭

So I had my exam with him today. To be honest, I didn't sleep much yesterday, bc in the end he didn't reply to my "I'd like to see you during the holidays" message and there was never a time when he didn't answer! I felt so much that with this I just fucked everything that we had built with great difficulty between each other. I tried to avoid interacting with him all day and only looked at him when I entered the room, but I quickly sat down instead, tried to shut out my thoughts and focus only on the exam. I like his class, I like the way he teaches and I want to remain the best. Fortunately, I managed to concentrate and solve everything, so I think I will get a good mark.

However, after the exam, some of my friends still had an exam today, so I planned to go home as soon as possible because I remembered again that R is and I wrote him a stupid message yesterday, to which he did not reply, so I overthought it and thought that it must be unpleasant the situation for him as well.

But after I was on my way out of the class, R suddenly called my name quite loudly and I'll be honest, I was really scared. A few people also looked at us a bit strangely, everyone here likes dramas, you know blah. I went to him with great difficulty and stood in awkward silence by the table and just watched him pack his bag while everyone left the room and there were only two of us left. I tried to determine from his face what he was thinking, but his gaze was so gloomy that I had no good premonitions, so I panicked, and when I panic, I tend to talk nonsense, so I remained silent until finally he looked at me and said:

"I didn't want to ignore your message yesterday, I'm sorry, but I'm primarily your teacher now and I want you to concentrate on your exams."

I didn't know what to say at the time, so whatever came came. I quickly said that there is nothing wrong, I don't know what I was thinking, when I wrote it, it just happened, but forget it and yes, I will concentrate on the exams. After that, R smiled kindly at me and, just imagine, stroked my head and said: "Won't you let me finish?"

After that I almost bit my tongue lol He asked when I would finish all my exams and I told him that there would be one at the end of December and the first week of January. He said that he hopes they will turn out as well as the others and that he can't promise anything, but if he's home between two holidays, then we can talk about what I wrote.

I don't know exactly what this means, but I didn't really understand it then, and maybe even now I'm in a state of shock, so girls, help me, what does this mean?!! Now do you think he would like to meet me? Then I didn't cross the boundaries and he didn't misunderstand???

IDK IM JUST AHHHHH 😭😭

[welcome-to-the-end-of-eras]

Live Reading: The Mars House by Natasha Pulley

Some initial (spoiler-free) observations for now:

1.) desperately missing the style of publication from twofs and tbs, book covers that come off are my biggest opp

2.) Edward Cullen lookin ass cover I kinda love it

3.) absolutely love the fact that The Bedlam Stacks is officially part of the Watchmaker series even though Mori is in like 3 scenes, he’s so powerful

Off the bat, it's really interesting to see the way January interacts with what is our present like it's something ancient. The way he describes the "ruins" of London and various places around that people today may even live in, as if it's centuries old. Idk what year this takes place in but I feel like it's going to be like 2030 or some shit lmao

I already read the leaked chapter so I'm just going to skip it, all in all though I like January so far. He's a little less...I don't want to say compelling, but he doesn't have as much of a distinctive personality off the bat as Valery or even Flint, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Plus he's like. Actively in crisis, so I'm going to give him a pass

He does have the gen Z tendency for nihilism tho, moreso than the other mc's, and I really like it

Oh wait no he's not even gen Z he's like. Gen Theta??? This is farther into the future than I thought, which is good bc it was a lil depressing to think it was this close to the present and everything was flooded (I mean we're still boned but I was expecting the time period to be like. A very likely 2027 or something.)

I honestly really like the way January isn't content with the small things in his life that make him miserable like the other mc's. He's a Complainer. He's literally me-

"It was fine as icing sugar." ??? Girl are we getting some freaky future ghost shit again??? Please???

I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T-

MORI AND DAUGHTER??? I'M GOING TO PASS AWAY-

I will be crying about this forever

Six taking over the shop but keeping her dad's name attatched...BEING CANON??? We STAY winning

"There are moments when you come so close to another future you can taste the air in the courtroom." GIRL SHUT THE FUCK UP RESPECTFULLY I'M ABOUT TO START SCREAMING-

Wait these exoskeleton things sound cool as fuck, I wonder how hard it would be to make one for cosplay purposes??? Probably pretty tricky (and knowing myself I would never finish it) but it still seems really fun to make

Damn he's really scared of not wearing that thing, my poor baby :((( ugh I really do like him a lot so far

Ohhh wait I thought wearing the suit was to protect him, not to protect others??? I misread

But he's still really that scared of hurting anyone else :((( he's my baby I've decided

I feel like I'm not going to like Gale much off the bat bc they're going to be rude to him, but I'm sure I'll grow to like them more. I mean I didn't much care for Shenkov off the bat but I adore him now so

Not to get Prentious-English-Major-y, but it seems like a running theme in this book is getting over the shame of taking up space in the world. January is constantly being reminded that he needs to stay in his place and not cause trouble for others, and it's so engrained into him that he can't help but panic over a simple mistake that could've been corrected with a gentle warning. But it also wasn't a gentle warning; the guy in the elevator fucking yelled at him!!! Immediately!!! I get the notion that it was a matter of safety for him, but January was far away from and couldn't have possibly hurt him, and he still yelled. Coming from the lense of a queer man, it's very reflective of the homophobic idea that queer people can't even be trusted in public because they're "sexual deviants" and the like, or even going back to the 80s when people thought that AIDS was transmitted through just skin-to-skin contact. Idk. Food for thought.

Honestly??? The way his thoughts keep circling back to the way everyone was horrified of him on the elevator is the most accurate way I've ever seen someone describe anxiety attacks

What tf is up with the pink elephants??? New tattoo idea just dropped???

Ooo interesting monetary system for the trains. I went into Boston to get my copy and they started doing a similar thing on the green line (the only train system that runs above ground, so they can't really stop people from not paying to get on) and it kind of reminds me of that. It's definitely not that similar, but it's enough that I made the connection

Creepy Government Programs Meant To Completely Cripple Minorities Just So They Can Access Slightly Worse Basic Rights They Should Already Have...totally not realistic...haha...not at all...

Only a year??? January...buddy...you've been here for 600 days...

Oh wait no I just looked it up, a year on Mars is actually about 687 days, nvm, fuck me I guess

The whole conundrum of naturalizing vs just using the cage is vvv interesting, and is also reminiscent of the way disabled people are encouraged by society (and warned by medical professionals) to undergo drastic surgeries to cure their disability

Damn so going on the train cost him a half hour of work??? That's kinda nuts. Although if it's a longer distance train it's not as bad, but it seems like it just went from one part of the city to the other

Oh??? Hello??? He has a crush on his boss??? Honestly she sounds like a milf I don't blame him-

I feel like the release button of his suit being over his heart is going to be important and dramatic and it's going to make me cry

Idk how to word this properly but like. January being motivated to eat more and train for ballet again bc he's just overall happier with Gale may just (happily) destroy me, the same way tlfop describes Thaniel getting a lot stronger over the course of four years bc he's eating more and started boxing and that, but I feel like it'll be different bc him being married to Gale will offer him the privilege to do that kind of thing while others aren't awarded the freedom

The group physical therapy before work is kinda nuts, we should honestly do that at my job too

Honestly the way they're describing these work suits is kind of a serve, especially with the cool skeleton lookin thing around it, that would make such a fun cosplay

Senator Gale in the mix too!!! Vvv excited, even though I know January is going to do some fuckshit on tv with them

I KNOW January is pretty af I know it in my soul

"Great power to be had from ogling." I'm love Val sm-

Love that she included how to pronounce Mx bc it always throws me for a loop. Also...McWang??? Girl-

I really do not know what I expected from the woman who managed to get the word "octopussy" in three of her books

"...so that he wouldn't think about how much he would have loved to see someone shove Audrey bloody Gale off a cooling tower." DAWG-

He really fuckin hates them wow, their public persona must suck

Oh also random thought I forgot to include a bit earlier, but is it like. Genuinely illegal to assume people's gender in this society??? That's kinda based actually. Fox News would have a field day. "ThIs Is CoNfIrMaTiOn Of ThE fUtUrE tHeSe LiBeRaLs ArE lOoKiNg FoR." Ugh I hope someone shows them, that would be fucking hilarious (obviously no one should tho bc I sincerely believe there are some idiotic people who would start sending Natasha death threats over it and I don't want that).

"...and do everyone a favour by turning immediately into goo." Jesus fucking Christ dude-

I hope January beats the shit out of some of these people I really do-

Hehe puffweens

Ooo the Mars citizens fashion seems fun

"Thirteen year olds were, of course, terrifying monsters..." thirteen year olds are extremely lame when you get to know them but I do get the anxiety (I say as someone who worked with them for over 5 years)

He doesn't want to scare anyone :(((

First he's comparing Gale to the devil, and now he's saying they look like a god??? Make up your mind dude

"He followed the news like a bloodhound when it came to Gale." My good bitch you are so definitely into them-

The fact that Val has to bribe January with chocolate to not throw a brick at Gale is so...I'm love them so much

[icedmetaltea]

Ngl I feel kinda somber now that it's Officially November...

(just sad thoughts)

All I have to look forward to is Thanksgiving and Christmas, both of which are family-themed holidays if that makes sense and it just makes me remember I'm now not in contact with my sibling. I may not even be staying with my parents by christmas, I may be back in my old apartment all alone or at a new one, still alone.

It wouldn't have mattered even if my sibling was still staying there, they were going to go on a vacation to Europe through christmas this year so I would've been alone anyways.

And like... due to climate change n all, September and October here were basically still summer. It's only now starting to feel consistently cold. I only have November, December, January and maybe February to look forward to before it starts warming up again and with it my anxiety, which I've only just now gotten under control.

It feels like I'm having shorter and shorter timeframes during the year (cool or cold months) where I'm not having horrific anxiety and ya know feel ok with the whole being alive thing. If I have to wait for just a small fraction of the year to not feel like dying, then like what's the point in living?? It becomes a quality of life problem at that point.

If you spend so much of your time just surviving, it's not really living, now is it?

It's just impending doom hanging over me, nothing new there. Now that my sibling is close to moving I have to worry about where I'll live by the end of the month, about financial aid and getting back into school (online if possible), getting a part time job for the first time, living alone for the first time, if I can get back on ebt... so many fucking things. Which ofc doesn't help with the suicidal thoughts. And ofc my mom had to bring up how all the war with palestine is seeming like The End Times according to the bible and my existential anxiety did not like that.

If god's real (the one my parents believe in anyway) I am of course going to hell. If god's real they're evil, or at least apathetic to the world's suffering, so I have to contend with both a god that hates me and a devil that loves making people suffer. I keep telling myself it's not real but ya know religious trauma and all that shit... Like I want to just turn off my emotions and remind myself if it is real Ok I guess I'll Die and Burn in Hell tm but at the same time it's like why not just make it quicker while I'm having and have so many guns around me.

Don't worry tho this year was the worst my depression or anxiety's ever been and I didn't attempt suicide even during the worst of panic attacks (tho it was tempting, and I couldn't exactly move enough to reach for anything dangerous) so at this point future me prolly won't. And hopefully I can continue speaking to the therapist I'm seeing even when I move.

I just fucking wish my parents would stop reminding me that half this country doesn't believe in climate change and thinks Israel is the victim in the war going on and all this other shit like can you BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE PLS. But no I'm just a stupid young person I guess, what do I know, what's my word compared to THE BIBLE or facebook or where ever she gets her info...

And ofc my therapist brought up a good point, aside from my parents and sister I genuinely have nobody irl I can turn to when things go sideways. I don't know if I ever will. When I say I have a resting murder face and an aura that makes people stay away from me I'm not joking and she rlly thinks it's all just a negative view of myself, but it's true. People are scared of me I think, always have been, it's just the vibe I give off.

So I will continue my life without friends and without people who will believe me when I talk about stuff like climate change and that is that. That's not to say I don't cherish online friendships, but I mean just like people I can depend on to really be there, to take me in if I genuinely can't take care of myself, bc it got like that for months and I couldn't so much as wash my own dishes or myself and I don't want to be alone when it happens again, and I know it fucking will.

But yea, I figured i should write this all down while it's fresh on my mind so I can reference it before my next appointment in two weeks...

[dogfags]

wah. I can't keep missing school bc I want to graduate and get my license and be able to fucking MOVE ON with my life. but I am sooo fucking exhausted. I'd take a leave of absence but I fear it wouldn't really help bc I still have to work damn near full time at my other job to make the bills. I'm starting makeup class this week so 2/3 days of the week I'll be in class which will be a nice break from taking clients every single day. and I do need to start grinding quotas more bc I've been slacking a bit. I'm just so fucking tired. I can't miss makeup class bc then I won't get the makeup certification which like, I don't rly WANT to do makeup as a career but idk I'd like to have the ability without having to take a whole other class for it if I'm already taking this one. so I'm going to try my hardest not to miss school days for the next 6-8 weeks. I have to take one day off for my hysto consult but that's it I think. I have to get back on my grind. but I am so tired. idk how to get back into the HUSTLE GRINDSET™™ I had a couple months ago. like sure I wanted to die a bit from exhaustion but I was still showing up every day. now I skip school simply if the vibes feel off lmao. and realistically I shouldn't care bc the only person this affects is me, like, me skipping doesn't hurt literally anyone but myself. and even then all it does is just push my graduation date back a bit. hurts my attendance percentage. but I'm still at like 78% and you just can't fall below 67%. but idk. I want to be good :( I am cursed with capitalism grind mindset and I just hope this is as rewarding as it is horribly terribly stressful. if I just get through this maybe I can have a real full time job by spring next year. and then I'll have two days off PER WEEK!! maybe. I might still have to keep working at the coffee shop if I can't make bills on whatever wage I'm making at a salon. which can't be much just starting out. if I push through and don't miss many more days or take a leave of absence I can graduate by mid to late January. by then I should hopefully have about $3k saved up as a cushion for when I get a salon job and I'm making virtually nothing as an assistant/apprentice. that is hoping I can even GET a salon job... (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠) I'm praying this is all worth it.

[webslingingslasher]

hello! I’ve got two little things i wanna tell you! (if you don’t mind LMAO)

okay so 1. i’ve been talking to the guy a bit, and since our schedules are so busy we haven’t gotten the chance to see each other since those seminars in like january/february, HOWEVER he was saying that he missed me and would like to meet up sometime soon! he also mentioned that he wanted to ask me out to lunch during one of those seminar days (there was a like 45 minute lunch break during the day, and a bunch of restaurants/take out places nearby). but then he didn’t because the both of us were busy with like homework/studying as well as like making sure to do the assignments given (i don’t think seminar is the right term but it’s still the only one i can think of rn!!)

ANYWAYS the second i kinda just need a less biased perspective i think???

so i think I’ve mentioned the girl who keeps complaining about her mom to me. so basically, she STILL DOES THAT! even tho I’ve literally asked her to stop. And she’s genuinely so mean! like she’ll literally grab things (mainly food or drinks) FROM YOUR HANDS. or go up to people (that she barley talks to!!) and literally goes “gimme” when they’re eating something she has. like personally i find it SOOO RUDE. and then today, i was standing, talking to one of my friends while drinking a coffee. this girl WALKED BY ME AND TRIED TO TAKE IT. and when i told her no, she called me a bitch 😭. but like ms girl knows how much i hate sharing drinks???? and its not like she can’t afford it bc she definitely can. ALSO THE MANNERS??? Like it’s so clear we were raised differently.

and then she’s also saying how after the term’s over she’ll have to move in with her mom rather than her dad (just cause of circumstances) and i understand that they may not have the best relationship (they argue a ton) but it really fucking hurts. and I’ve told her this!! and she still does it!!! and then when i tried telling her again she was like i know! (and then proceeded to keep talking about how much she hates her mom). And i swear id be there for her but like it’s every time i see her. It’s exhausting.

and man I’ve tried so hard to cut her off BUT SHE WONT LEAVE ME ALONE. idk i think im just very mad with her atm but like i really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve spoken to one of our other friends, and she agrees with me!

anyways thank you for listening (reading) my rant 😭

-🦋

1.) YAAAS. GET THE BOY. WE STAN HIM!!!!!!

2.) if u don't ghost that cunt in real time i'll hate you. nah, jk, i've been there before. honestly, the ONLY way to get those types of people out of your life is to not hide the distain anymore.

texting you? ignore it. leave her on read.

she comes up to you and takes your shit? roll your eyes and make a comment about how you should've expected it.

you see what i'm saying? treat her how she treats you. i bet you it'll work.

[forsakenmissives]

I know nothing about football but I'd still like to hear about the au :3

see bc i complain and then i don't even know where to start LOL

ok so ig i'll start with the title From the Sidelines and a little description i have, to pique interest heh

Arthur is Camelot FC's star striker and captain. Merlin is the kitman. Life is hardly ever fair.

anyway . i suppose that's. a little misleading. that being said i think this grew into something waaaaay larger than i originally planned @.@ like it was supposed to be a fun little addition to the surprisingly small amt of footballer arthur fics we have but now this fic has double daddy issues (balinor my beloved...), coming out, sports injuries, shitty coaches (aredick die by my sword) and never making the national team. HUH??? i just wanted merthur to fuck on the pitch... (joke) (just in time for fuck him on the field friday)

also there's side stories. like one is when the players get handcuffed tgt for 24hrs but they've got an uneven amt for it and merlin gets roped in

and then there's the valentine's day arwen special that i somehow accidentally made into a statement about arthur's attitude toward his sexuality?? and feelings for merlin??? through his anxiety about his date with gwen????

“All good?” Merlin asks. “Never better,” Arthur replies, then pivots and walks directly into his closet. He stares at his barren shoe rack before he feels hands on his shoulders, and Merlin is turning him around and guiding him back out. “Wrong way,” he hears him say. “Right.” This time, Arthur marches out his room then down the hall to the front door. “I’ll be back.”

i'm allowed to give this info bc i don't know if i'll ever actually post the extras. i dont' even know when i'm gonna finish the main story sjkdfhgjkf

oh yeah another side story takes place in 2007 (that might be the title for it idk) and it's about uther buying camelot fc for arthur's tenth birthday LOL dont question the legaltiy of arthur playing for his father's club. i dont know and i dont care. this is fiction SIMILARLY dont say shit abt arthur being a striker and captain. it's happened before. it's literally fine. dont even worry about it

there's like. ik i rly only talked about the side stories but u have to realize just how much has already gone into this fic and i wouldn't even say i'm halfway done. i don't think i've written out a single match which is also funny bc i've been keeping up with the prem and actually think i can do it now. i just keep dragging my feet abt it lol

i think the hardest part for me is when im gonna have to seriously injure arthur. i didnt want to but i think it's an important way for his and merlin's relationship to progress and also would explain merlin's attitude toward him in january. its less abt injuring him and more abt him having to sit out of games not for like. lineup stats/compatibility reasons

oh my god typing this all out made me realize we haven't met like. half of the guys on the team yet. i was sitting here like "i need to rewatch eps with all the knights bc i dont trust myself to write percy and elyan accurately" but now i just realized i dont even know if mordred is on the like. squad yet or if he's still with the u18s (after a brief check with my info page he is. i'm gonna be sick)

like i said there is a LOT of info on this . sorry this was so long i just needed to ramble a bit and it also made me realize some info i still need to include so yayyy :3 thank you nonny if u have anything u wanna know in specific like fr anything PLEASE ask. i'd love it so much if u asked. u saved my life <3

[nyxokal]

I have been using the same format for two years and I don't care. Anyway here's my art summary, more thoughts under the cut!!

For starters I have only been doing digital art for like, two years now?? I'm still really new at it and I don't know how to do it properly so it kind of sucks still. And oftentimes I just wanna draw my blorbos so I don't particularly care much abt my art but yeah

Anyways, January and February I just focused on drawing fun dnd things!! I like em. By March though I had a pretty fucking nasty Incident where I lost use of my right arm for about a month and all I had for that month was a doodle I drew WHILE my arm was in pain. Never do that, it sucks

I healed though and by April I finally got to do more stuff again, still focusing on my Blood Hunter Lucien the most. I like that piece. It's on my blog. I barely did much in May and June bc I think that's when I got Consumed by Elden Ring, but I drew my dnd ship arolu (May) and my Tarnished whom I made into a backup character (June). His name is Corpse. Maybe someday I'll upload that picture

July comes and I manage to draw something before my arm goes back to fucked up. So after that piece there, I took it easy. August I barely drew and only had a fun lil piece where Lucien swapped outfits w his party members, and September I BARELY drew bc I had to go on a business trip for the whole month. The one I drew there tho is my RO Hunter, Cynn

By October I wanted to do Halloween pieces but couldn't, but I redesigned Lucien for the in-game winter months!! Took a month to get that outfit down tho. November I was already in Jojo hell so I drew Kakyoin, but I barely drew more bc I once again left on a business trip. So December I have so far only drawn two things, and I got lucky I wanted to draw these past two days at all, with the piece for December being the most recent (I finished it today)

Overall I dunno if my art improved, but I did draw less. I draw when I feel like it though which means sometimes I just Do Not, so I don't mind not drawing more

Anyways that's about it. For reference, here are 2020 and 2021's summaries, just to have them here for myself

I do like how you can see when I got into dnd (March more or less) and who my obsession was (Zelos) here lmao. Anyways this was the year I got my first tablet!! Which I still use today. And therefore the art here just sucks

And this was a very fun year where I drew a LOT and a lot of varied things but do not be fooled I still only drew Lucien ever

[parkitaco]

3, 10, 11, 27 :)

omg hiii :)

3-What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

always you people with the making me say nice things about myself. fuck u (affectionate)

uhh ok i know i keep talking about this but you were bigger than the whole sky was so different from anything i've ever written before and i think?? i pulled it off?? pretty effectively??? i suppose one could say that i'm maybe pretty proud of myself for that one. if ur gonna make me say it. god.

10 - What work was the quickest to write?

oh good question!! ummmm this is probably not what u were looking for but in the beginning of the year before i got into st i was writing mean girls fanfic, it's on my other pseud on ao3 but anyway!! i was super into song fics and there's a bunch of those that i wrote in like january and february bc i didn't have a lot of motivation and those usually go pretty quickly, like 1k words for each one and it's more of a poem with a lot of subtle implications around canon stuff so!! i liked writing those and maybe someday soon i'll go back to them, they usually only take me an hour or so but super super fun <33

11 - What work took you the longest to write?

uhh my gut instinct is to go w you were bigger than the whole sky for this one but honestly i think what can i do actually took me longer??? there was a lot in there that i knew i wanted but the pacing was all WRONG (and i lowkey still think it is but shh) and i couldn't figure out exactly what order i wanted the events to go in. i'm a super impatient person so i will just write and write and write until i'm DONE with something so most fics, even my long ones, only take a week or two if i have enough free time (or even if i don't, bc i am a fool and i sometimes work on my fics like. during class. and in public spaces. like an IDIOT), but that one took me like over two weeks to get up i think bc i couldn't figure out the VISION and eventually i was like. this fic is killing me and i don't want to push myself into hating it so!! i posted it and i'm still not 100% happy w it but i've gotten nice comments and the couple times i reread it to myself i was like... ok maybe this isn't so bad.

27 - What do you listen to while writing?

it's complicated ok

i- listen. i am a multitasker and i do not like to do just one thing at once so i HAVE to be listening to SOMETHING at all times when i'm writing, and sometimes i like to just go right ahead and overstimulate myself by having that something be... television. sooo every so often i will write on a split screen while watching tv, usually just a sitcom i've seen before so i don't miss anything.

however!! this only works for when i'm in my first draft stages and like writing out the skeleton of the fic i guess?? and then when i've got that down THAT'S when i gotta go back and really focus and fill in the gaps, so usually for that i'll just listen to music in the background, usually phoebe bridgers bc it's excellent mood music and is good for background noise i guess?? like it tricks my brain into thinking it's doing multiple things at once but i'm still able to focus if that makes any sense - music with too many effects etc tend to pull my attention so i like to go acoustic when i feel like i need to focus.

[nathank77]

6/12/24

2:10 a.m Edited/Added to 2:17 a.m

So idk what to do about the brown stains. Maybe I'll wait until March and get my annual cleaning and get an estimate for the filling/sealant then. I mean it's easier. I can do chrest whitening strips in January...

I made my Instagram public again idk why. I thought Mike was lying about my face thinning out since losing weight but holy mother fuck you can see it especially in this one from December.

Omg I look so much better right now. I even noticed that my cheek touching Ray-Bans although they still do touch my cheeks they aren't as bad as they used to be bc my face thinned out! I mean they still do touch but they have more wiggle room.

Brayson reached out to me after I posted 500 amazing photos of my sexy self on fb and Instagram. Bro I know I'm hot but I mean why did the fact that I hear a voice make you friendzone me? I mean I met a girl who told me she had schizophrenia and I wasn't against dating her until day one she got me on the phone and started crying hysterically and then wanted me to call every night to say goodnight it was weird and clingy. And too much at the get go.

I mean when I think about it, I'm hot. And I know if I don't talk about the voice then I'm no longer labeled as crazy... yet it still exists. If I didn't tell you I hallucinate you'd have no fucking idea. Everytime I go to my Dr they mark on mychart if I'm alert. My presentation, etc. And if the patient is psychotic. It's normal they do it for everyone, every visit. And everytime I'm not labeled as psychotic. I'm labeled as alert, friendly, nice, polite. You'd never know.

So why can't I talk about it with you and have you see I'm still the same person. When I date you I'm friending you first. Imma be your bestie. Like we ain't gonna fuck. And if you can't handle being close and bonding and knowing things about me that are less than desirable we aren't going to work.

Not to mention my voice hearing experience will not affect you. It will only effect you in one way, I NEED tv on to sleep at a decent volume bc I'm hard of hearing and I have to drown it out to keep my sanity, that's it. I mean and I always need background noise on.... but I mean that's pretty normal.... Otherwise it'll never effect you other than you feeling bad for me. Other than that if we go hiking I'll just ask you to talk a lot... beyond that no sensory deprivation things cause like yea no. But I mean that's it.

Last time I talked to him I talked to him about the gym and didn't bring up the voice. I didn't bring it up but that's kinda my point. The voice doesn't make me do anything. I don't listen to it. I just hear stimuli that isn't here and I hate it. I drown it out. If you can't be my bestie and see me as exactly the same as I was before I started hearing a voice then we can't go there.

Feel bad for me, be there for me and beyond that just talk to me about the afterlife and what kind of bacon you like. But yea anyways I'll be single forever. I want to be loved completely. Regardless of what's in my pants or if I hear a voice. I want to be loved as the shattered mosaic I am.

Versus now I don't really have an adequate comparison tbh but wow. I don't want to go back to 200 pounds. I want to go 150 but I'll still love myself if I end up being 200 pounds.

[strawberryezpls]

why will i always feel like this?

I literally hate everything and I understand why i wanted to kill myself so bad whenever i did (back in may lol) ummmmmmmmm this time around of the year is lwokey a little bit triggering because i was just depressed as fuck! and why is my mom making me give my father money for my own good(like a charity) when i don't see or even heard of them doing that to my grandparents like ever? and it doesn't look like it ever did them any good. I graudte from community college this year and i can finally go live in he dorms WHICH IS A ECCESITy cuz if im not living in the dorms im still not living at home. It actally crazy how i have zero support from my family at all. Like they all tell me to study hard and get good grades and blah blah but it's like once I try "oh why aren't you helping around the house" and its not a good feeling. Omg and I think i have autism like for real, or something cuz i have all the traits and i would just be a high level of mask. or am i just overlooked and im not realling masking i'm just brushed off as that's just me. imagine it really is just me. I also don't feel like living for anythign rightnow. I did see nicki minaj yesterday which was ENLIGHTENING she was like 2 hours late but idc and i somehow didn't get caught hehehehhe. um i have to get my wisdom tooth out in like 3 weeks and my finals are almost over. Omg that bullshit about me waiting for the right guy bitch I went right back to the guy i left for the clairty of my mind. and then we've been together ever since. But here's the thing he said hes observing now bc of the way we handle arguments. Like shouldn't you know what you want and how you want it. idk sometimes i feel like im being used and i don't understand how why he even wants me around i feel like i don't do anything for him at least emotionsally or mentally or like what i'm supposed to be. Which like i was fine with being in a sort of situationship with him since january but i think since we wenton our first one on one date a little after valentines that we would be together together but i guess not. And i don't really want to be with a amn now that's like im observing bc of the way we agrue which is like whatever. also wtf is knock knock ginger? sorry i'm listening to a podcast. omgi think being in ramadan which i s gonna sound sad and probably wrong for a moment but bare with me. like everytime Ramadan comes around i just don't feel good bc i feel like i was taught islam wrong like i just don't believe everything or anything someone from my country is saying abt it spefically my dad. like it just gets me so angy bc i could've been those girls who love their religion and I wanna do that but I want there to be people who als understand me and shit. I really love how im college educated but you would think 9 year odl wrote this pls. speaking of idk how imma do it living with a random person like i don't evn like living with someone else, like i love my bed yall. i also need a car with a door handle and the bumper not falling apart. I also wanna be boy free for a while bc it's just something abt it yk. I also don't trust anything anyone is saying and everything everyone says no matter who it is is annoying as fuck and they need to stop talking and im talking abt people who i don't even know too. Like why is everyone annoying all of a sudden b4 i didn't feel like that. wait it priobanyl bc i have to fucking be sober for the next month. saye but at least i get to turn up on my birthday I think. idk i'm scaed to smoke too early ater my surgery. which speaking of i NEED to do something fun and i need tolook good on my birthday like fr. Like i would want to do something even by myself just because i deserve it but my parents be pocket watching me like its not my money. anyways i really wanna get my lashes and nails done really bad. I think I'll just buy a wig and wear it that day and then i could get my own outfit yk. I literally cannot wait broooooo I don't know where imma be eating and whos ocming and whos not yk but yeaaaaaaa. I got too many people who would overlap and i don't want to