#bc i saw it just shortly after i woke up LOL

[sarahs-secrets2]

All Mine (Phillip Graves x Reader) 18+ ࿐♡ ˚.*ೃ

Proof I have the least creative mind bc I just steal plots from songs LMFAO I'm the worst. Blame my daydreams!!!! I do have some that aren't based on songs I promise, they are just taking longer because I get distracted easily by the song drabbles LOL.

Based on All Mine by Brent Faiyaz

gn! (no use of Y/N)

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: FWB, NSFW, swearing, possessiveness if you squink, pet names

₊°✧︡ ˗ ˏ ˋ ♡ ˎˊ ˗

Being in the military was lonely, Phillip Graves made it a little less lonely. The two of you had been hooking up for about a year now. You had agreed to friends with benefits. 

Relationships got too sticky and involved too many emotions, neither you nor Phillip had time for anything of the sort. The main focus for both of you had to be on missions and not each other, but you could still fool around, what was wrong with that?

The first time you met, there was some pull towards the Commander, something about the way he carried himself. “No fucking way your real name is Phil Graves, c'mon”, you laughed at how the name sounded. 

“That’s what my mama named me and that's my daddy’s last name sweetheart, so I guess it is my real name, how bout that”, he was well aware of the humor in the name and being someone who quite literally filled graves. 

A month after your first encounter, you found yourself pushed against a wall with Graves’ hands all over you as the two of you entwined in a kiss. The kiss leading to the first hookup, not shortly after. 

“Holy shit, we are gonna be in so much trouble Graves”, laying next to Phillip in his bed at base was not something you predicted happening when joining the Shadows. 

“No trouble to get into if we keep it between us, what do you think? Wanna keep this up?” the offer taunted you. Phillip Graves was magnetic, he filled every empty cavity in your mind and body, and still somehow left you wanting more. 

Saying yes to the offer was your best decision yet.

Sex with Phillip fluctuated on his mood. Bad days were rough, hot sex. Good days resulted in soft, passionate sex. With the Commander, there was never really in between, and you had no complaints, as long as you were in his bed, you were satisfied.

Graves was well aware of the effect he had on you, using it to his advantage whenever he could, consistent teasing and egging on to get you hot and bothered.

Phillip was at it again tonight, as you sat on the edge of your bed waiting for the Commander to answer the phone. 

“Whaddya doing calling me this late?” Phillip was acting like this was the first time you had called him for sex, it was his favorite thing to do to rile you up.

“Let me come over Graves, I wanna see you”,

“See me? Doll, you already saw me today what are you on about?”, he wanted you to spell it out for him.

“I need you Phillip, can I come to yours?”, the effect he had on you was undeniable and you almost hated how easily you would do something for him. 

“Need me? Are ya hurt? I’ll get the medic, stay where you are,”

“Please, Graves, I need you to fuck me oh my god,” 

“That’s all you had to say princess, come on down”, what an ass, you thought to yourself as you wandered down the hall to see the Commander. 

“There’s my girl”, Phillip greeted you as you swung the door open, he was in a pair of sweatpants that had his boxers peeking over the waistband. You hated how good he looked all the time, it was almost criminal. You walked over to Graves, arms going around his neck, pulling him close as his hands grabbed your waist with his thumbs rubbing light circles on your hips. Your lips connected to his neck as he mumbled into your ear, “Was it so hard to use your words?”

“Shut up Graves”, to which he obliged taking you in his arms and to the bed. 

The following morning you woke up in the Commander's arms, with your head resting on his chest. The friends-with-benefits concept between the two of you was riding a dangerous line. Both of you were too afraid to admit whatever feelings were there. 

“You awake?” Graves’ morning voice cut through the quiet room, his hand was slowly running through your hair. 

“Watching me sleep again? Creepy Phillip, I might have to report you”, 

“Go ahead doll, I’m sure they would love to hear why you were naked in my bed in the first place”, you sat up causing him to loosen his grip, sticking your tongue out at the remark. The Commander let out a slight chuckle as he raised himself up on his elbows to talk to you. 

“Hey, I’ve been meaning to tell you since we got that break in a week, I don't expect you to ya know, wait for me. You get what I’m saying?”, Graves’ hand rested on the back of his head, you could tell he was nervous to even say this. It kinda hurt too, you were hoping he would've offered some exclusivity, but it was just friends with benefits you tried to remind yourself, nothing more. 

“Oh yeah, same goes you I guess”, it was easier to agree with him instead of confessing the feelings you had growing for the Commander. “Well I better get back to my room, I’ll see you around Phillip”, grabbing your stuff, you ran out quicker than usual hoping to hide the overwhelming rush of emotions you felt. 

The break came and went, you ended up hooking up with some old hometown fling, nothing serious, just something to hold you down for the time being. Maybe it was purely out of spite because of what Graves said but you would never admit that to yourself. 

Walking back onto base you were nervous to see the Commander, the last conversation didn't exactly end on an ideal note. Opening the door to your room, there stood the one person you were attempting to avoid, Phillip Graves. 

“Come ‘ere doll, I missed ya”, he was acting different, what did he do… your mind started to wander. He came up to you, still standing in the doorway trying to decipher the situation, bringing you into a hug. Reluctantly you hugged back, still extremely confused. 

“What’s going on Phillip”, pulling back from the hug, looking up at him.

“I don’t want to keep up this thing we got goin’ on anymore”, 

“Oh, um, yeah okay we can stop I get”, you were hurt, even though it was just sex you had developed feelings along the way, which was your fault but who could blame you?

“Oh shit… I’m sorry sweetheart, I was gettin’ ahead of myself, I meant I want this to be an exclusive thing”, 

“Really?”

“Yeah, missed you a lot during the break made me realize how much I like havin’ you round, whaddya say? Wanna give it a try?” “I would like that”, you replied smiling back up at him, “I do have to tell you something, I did hookup with someone back home, but it was just because I was upset at what you said before we left, too be honest though he couldn't even make me finish so does it even count, I would argue no-” 

“Doll, its okay, I was a bit of an idiot for saying that I admit it, that’s on me”, he laughed brushing the hair out of your face, “ Damn shame that he couldn’t make you finish though, sounds like something I could take care of,”

“That right Commander? I’ve been feeling a little pent up, hoping you could help with that”,

“Now that you're all mine, I’ll be glad to help you out anytime sweetheart”, Graves leaned down pulling you in for a kiss, this one was different from the previous ones, it was sweet and thoughtful. Phillip’s hands snuck down to your waist, picking you up as your legs went to wrap around him. 

“So eager for me already darling”,

“I know what I want, what’s wrong with that? Hmm?”

“Nothin’ at all,” Graves mumbled up against your ear slowly making his way down your neck to mark you as his.

“Watch it, Phillip, people are gonna think I got attacked by a vampire”,

“I just want to show them you’re all mine darling, don't worry ‘bout it”.

₊°✧︡ ˗ ˏ ˋ ♡ ˎˊ ˗

Every time I write for Graves the more obsessed I get I swear, this one had me feeling some type of way

[vodid]

Hi... Remember your dream comic from back in July 2022?... that girl looks just like me... but my dream happened in June 2022... I am not kidding... and frankly a bit freaked out... Since you look just like one of the people in my dream. I don't remember a mural in mine, but I remember meeting this girl while I was with Jazz and we headed to a store... everything was death and quiet.

This dream happened during what might as well be the worst week of my life, so it embedded itself in my brain... and I wonder... did the dream end well for you?

I mean all this genuinely, I am truly freaked out your dream sounds like mine, that it happened around the same time and the girl looks just like me.

So, I guess till the next multiplayer section,

-R

P: Was there an short asian guy in your dream too? like... I lost him before I saw you in my dream but man I might as well just ask.

yooo thats wack (and i hope you're doing better now!) i feel like the girl may have just been there because i had watched curly hair routine videos on insta before i fell asleep hsjdjdjs but yeah she felt very unfamiliar to me. just some person

there was not a short asian guy in my dream tho. only a momma capybara and her baby, who turned into a mother and her child (they were either latino or white. or both) then that young woman and jazz. it was just us in the dream, which ended shortly after my comic when jazz sat down to stare at the mural

i did walk out of the store to talk to the girl just before it ended. we were very concerned for jazz and wanted to know what to do but i don't remember what exactly we said. i just remember us exchanging very worried and sympathetic looks. it was a pretty talkless dream 🤔

no happy ending then but when i woke up, i was so sad from it that i daydreamed/half-dreamed a better ending hshdjdks it was still sad at first, which i believe WAS an actual dream not a daydream, in which the mural had a hologram of prowl that spoke of who he was and what the autobots stood for. jazz watched it quietly. but then, which i believe may have been more of a daydream, turns out prowl had been taking shelter in the back of the store all this time, heard that hologram activate and went to investigate. he was alive. jazz was alive. they found each other. happy reunion

this is so interesting to me tho hshdjdjs did you happen to walk through a forest (there were lots of oak trees) during the day? the ground was rich and damp bc there was lots of shade, but the sun was shining through the leaves a bit. there was a big, generally flat desire path we walked on and a beautiful shallow creek at some point, but that may have been before the girl and jazz appeared

the vibes of the dream were post-apocalyptic and heavily based off the horizon games (i had been playing them at the time lol) so whatever the apocalypse was, happen long, long ago and most if not all of the autobots died except for jazz. history was lost to time and the autobots were no longer recognized for their deeds, but there were still artifacts of them that very few people found

i still think about it a lot. it's been one of my most sensible and impactful dreams to date and maybe there's a bigger reason? 🤔

[notpetals]

#( *SWEAT_EMOJI* )

>:3c

[andoqin]

Sisyphus: The Myth Ep 1- A Dissection

Okay, so I’ve had some time to process what I subjected myself to today, so I’ve decided to list everything in episode 1 that is just completely insane and an example of how Not To Do it. 

I’m not an expert on Film Theory, but i’ve watched a shitton of media, plus I watch a lot of Youtube Video essays, so clearly I’m half

The episode starts off okay enough even if we get a weird exposition dump and “tense” parting scene between a father and daughter. 

We start in what presumably is the time travel terminal where people stand around in pyjamas waiting to get through.

Okay, fairly interesting if unspectacular but I’m guessing that’s the point, this is now an industry. We zoom in and get this line that made me laugh, because well...

a) humans are living creatures and b) the amount of microbial organisms on human skin is estimated to be at hundreds of billions, or more. And this kind of time travel/teleportation is always hinky because well if you think about it, how does that even work without getting into The Fly territory. I’m willing to cut this drama some slack here and maybe it’s an awkward translation besides. 

This gets... exceedingly long, but if you want a (too) in-depth summary of what happens in ep 1 and why it doesn’t work (for me) read on :D.

But then the real trouble starts, because PSH’s dad (I’m not bothering to learn the character names) says he’s not going with her and this is apparently very sudden. He then makes her repeat some lines that are supposed to create tension? Be exposition? Idk.

“Don’t trust anyone.” 

“Don’t get involved with [CSW]’s character.”

PSH get’s teary eyed, because her dad is not coming with her, but the problem with scenes like these is: I don’t know either of them and do not have an emotional connection to their parting. Sure, it tells us something about PSH (she likes her dad and is worried about him) but I also don’t know how important her dad is going to be down the line. So when PSH asks about her mom and what if her mom dies and her dad just replies everyone dies at some point I’m a bit weirded out, but not to the point where I necessarily want to know more. 

We then smashcut to PSH waking up in a world that’s more similar to ours and she does what her dad told her to do. She grabs her (very inconvenient) suitcase and runs along the tracks she woke up next to. We see that she is somewhat surprised by the running trains and also hardy enough to track on despite bleeding feet. 

Alas, creepy people in gas-masks with guns and drones are waiting for her, so she runs even harder and after some near misses (they are able to track her by some sort of radiation meter) makes it to safety. 

On top of a train car that the TWO DOZEN PEOPLE WITH GUNS AND DRONES are too stupid to check apparently. Clearly if she’s not under the train car, the detecting devices must be mistaken. So she just chills on top of the train car, sitting on her suitcase and those goons trundle off after 5 minutes presumably like they’re Assassin’s Creed Enemy NPCs.

Now we get introduced to CSW in the most insane scene i’ve ever witnessed. Honestly. 

He is just ~chilling in 1st class in an airplane, filming a douche who is rude to the plane staff and epically owning him because he’s So Smart.

First of all, I don’t know what that has to do with soggy noodles(which the other asshole complained about), since by that measure the noodles should be *undercooked* (lower boiling point means longer cooking time after all) and secondly good lord I already hate this guy. He then proceeds to Epically Own (tm) with a convenient Forbes (sorry “Eorbes”) Magazine that he is on the cover of and flirts with the plane hostess. 

So right off the bat, our impressions of CSW are supposed to be: He’s Cool (look at his hoodie and general bearing), he’s Smart (debatable), he’s nice to The Help (I guess???) stands up to bullies, and most importantly he’s fucking rich. I guess we’re also supposed to get the impression that he’s arrogant, maybe a bit of an asshole, but still cool and everything. 

If this had been where the scene had stopped I would have rolled my eyes and then just continued on watching. But no, the writers thought: “Schooling some sexist rich asshole isn’t enough to show off how Cool and Smart and Cocky our main character is. Also he likes the ladies.” Look at him, he’s Tony Stark only from South Korea!!!

So shortly after he sits down, and we have the first moment with CSW where he connected with me emotionally (he sees the ghost of his dead brother and the way he says “because ... you’re dead.” and I thought OOOH this I can work with), the cockpit windshield is hit by what looks to be a suitcase (DUN DUN DUUUN) and something crashes into one of the engines, causing it to explode and catch fire. 

The pilot is knocked out and unconscious and even the co-pilot loses consciousness (after conveniently unlocking the cockpit lock). CSW is the only one who goes to check on the pilots, having grabbed a fanny pack from his onboard luggage and quickly assessing the situation he revives the copilot and welds the hole in the windshield shut with some ducttape out of his fannypack and a plastic notepad. IT’S VERY EFFECTIVE! They did it in WW2, or so CSW tells us so you know it’s true.

I’m not sure that ‘s how plane windshields and duct tape and plastic notepad thingies work, but well the plane is still in freefall we have more important things to worry about :).

The electrics are all on the fritz, the copilot cannot get control of the plane and so CSW takes a seat in the captains chair (having foisted the captain out of it, not even he is so crass to sit on some unconscious dude’s lap i guess) and quickly calculates that they have 3 min and 30 secs for CSW to restart the electronics before the plane crashes. So he hands the co-pilot HIS PHONE with a timer on it for 3.5 minutes so the co-pilot can tell him when 30 seconds have passed. Instead of idk, contacting Air Traffic Control or ANYONE he just sits there and lets his big boy brain work. 

After 30 seconds he has an idea, because he’s Tony Stark-ing it up like crazy now and can just figure out the electronics of a plane cockpit in 30 seconds, but guess what. HIS PHONE RINGS. AND HE ANSWERS IT, because he’s devil-may-care and “haha look at this, friend, i’m in the cockpit of a crashing plane we have 2 minutes before i’m dead.”

Said friend is calling him from the board meeting of CSWs company, bc of course the board is ~unhappy with CSWs antics (I gotta say I can’t blame them) and the friend doesn’t believe it at first, when he says he’s in a crashing plane, but checks on the news to see it’s true. 

I ... I don’t think news work like that, we’ve gone 5 minutes from the initial troubles till now, there won’t be news reports all over the media yet. THEY’RE NOT EVEN TALKING TO AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL YET. Hell he even tells his friend to call 119 or the airport for help. I just... I’m very forgiving of a lot of things in a drama when it comes to writing. I’m willing to ignore obvious blindspots in a narrative, if I think the narrative is strong enough to support whatever it’s trying to say. At this point what could calling the police or the airport do, they have like 90 seconds left...

I don’t know what the writers are trying to tell me with this scene though? It’s so stupid, so unrealistic and CSW is so unpleasant and weird in it, because he tells his friend that he has to confess to taking out the friend’s college girlfriend on a date while they were still together. 

Well since the drama is longer than one ep, they do make it out alive, but the fact that the co-pilot managed to safely LAND the plane (which is insane to me) gets skipped over and we just get news snippets that herald CSW as a hero who singlehandedly saved the planes passengers. 

We then get to see him in his natural habitat “convalescing” in his giant apartment where he is being showered with gifts by worshippers basically. He continues to be an asshole, but his friend tells him, one more stunt and the board will kick him. 

The board will kick the guy who just saved a plane full of lives????? Yeah right, I’m sorry but that’s just fucking stupid from the writers. Why would anyone do that, even if the board hates him, kicking him now, when he’s literally a national hero would be the worst thing they could do for the stock prices. It’s only here so the writers can shoehorn in that CSW is close to OD-ing on pharmaceuticals and that the board wants to monitor his therapy and they have a way of “forcing” him to comply. 

Also he has what looks to be a dental x-ray machine next to his bed. Someone correct me if I’m wrong but lol what’s up with these set design choices. 

His friend tells him to go to fucking therapy or else and the next scene he is actually at a therapist. 

Who’s his ex-girlfriend (they have a whole tangent about that).

Who writes a report about his therapy to the board. 

But hey at least the therapy gets us a flashback of the last time he saw his brother. Big surprise he was an asshole to him as well, so no wonder he’s traumatised by that.

After therapy he *conveniently* runs into the co-pilot who’s incoherent and beaten up and hands CSW a usb-drive. It contains video of the cockpit on the day of the crash and it’s obvious what struck the plane was a suitcase and what crashed into the engine was a human being (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN maybe someone forgot to convert feet to meters when setting up the time travel thingamabob).

As he looks at the (very pixelated) figure of the person about to crash into the engine, he suddenly sees his brother’s face and honestly this scene just made me laugh? I know it’s supposed to be haunting and more evidence of CSW’s deep trauma, but I guess at this point my brain was just completely checked out. 

And that’s what we end our introductory phase of CSW. What the fuck was that plane thing even for. To show us he’s callous in the face of danger? He’s an asshole even when he’s about to die, so he’s got a long way to go? He’s haunted by the spectre of his dead brother and the guilt he feels for not being there when he died? I got a lot of that before we had the insane Plane Adventure!!! There are literally millions of ways they could have gotten this information to the viewers and not made an absurd spectacle of the plot that means that everything afterwards just feels lame, because you already had the insanity that was this plane ride, so it can only go down tension wise.

Now we’re back to PSH, but honestly her parts are kinda boring and bog-standard “UwU I’m unfamiliar with this way of life, I don’t even know how to eat a banana (that looks *nothing* like a banana btw), so I just eat it peel and root and all. Also I’m from the Future, that means I obviously know todays LOTTERY NUMBERS.”

I know kdramas like clichés and tropes, I like them too, that’s why I watch kdramas, but you gotta give me a bit more if you want me to at least invest in PSH, because I’m sure as hell not invested in CSW. 

She gets taken in by some guy, because we can’t have her homeless all the time, and she needs someone to explain this world to her and also how to eat bananas properly and she opens her suitcase. It’s got both future-tech-y looking stuff and a pink notepad that seems to hold specific information on what needs to happen on certain days. 

She also makes this expression and I don’t know if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening or if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening, but we know she’s gonna kick ass later, haha you just thought she was harmless. I gotta say it’s the former for me.

Rarrr fierce Elite Warrior PSH coming to get you.

She tries to get in touch with CSW, already breaking one of her dad’s three commandments. Oh, I guess staying with this guy breaks the other two. Welp, so much for that then. What even was the point of that first scene...

Anyway she tries to get in touch with CSW but ofc you cant just call the richest person ever (Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos would get very angry voicemails from me if that were the case), but she manages to get his voicemail. Or a voicemail he spoke for. But oh no, she is just Not Familiar with this world and keeps having a conversation with the voicemail as if it’s CSW himself. 

CSW who has scienced his way to finding the suitcase that crashed the plane and as she begs his voicemail not to open the suitcase, of course he opens it and gasp the combination for the suitcase lock is his birthday!!! Something his brother used to do!!! 

MAYBE THAT MAN WAS HIS BROTHER AFTER ALL!!!! OH NO!! 

But thank fuck the episode is over now.

VERDICT:

Just no. Don’t do this. The latter half of the show is more standard fare, but the first 25 minutes destroy any capability of this show making sense. I can see what the writers are trying to do, but it’s so hamfisted and badly written I’m just not willing to go along.

If you want a show that also has a fantasy action aspect (and this show is all fantasy no matter how much it tries to science it up), watch LUCA instead. That show at least knows how to set a tone, how to get us invested in the characters and does exposition in a way that doesn’t feel obtrusive. 

[paulxlahotee]

I'm a bit stuck on the cullen/quileute..discourse(?) I understand the Cullens are the reason the 21st century group of Quileutes phase. Them staying there, knowing that, is undeniably bad. Abusive, even. But at the same time, I'm aware that it's fiction and if the Cullens were not there, a lot of the story wouldn't involve the Quileutes at all: their involvement with vampires is their narrative purpose. JB tells Bella about the vampires, they protect her, help fight etc. Have I missed something?

Hi!! Sorry I just woke up (it’s almost 3pm) and I just saw this so I’m sorry the reply is a little late and muddy hahaha.

So, you’re right lol, the Quileute’s conflict with the Cullens is one of the driving forces of the story, and a major point of conflict, so if they weren’t involved, then the story would be completely different.

I think one of the major reasons that people (like myself) have a problem with this situation is that, it’s portrayed in a really negative racist way. Like, the pack are almost viewed as,,,antagonists,,,simply because they don’t like the Cullens. I mean even Bella herself hates and fears them before she fully understands the situation, but she never ever hated or was afraid of the Cullens.

So yeah, the pack is imperative to the foundation of the story, but like Smeyer did it in a really bad way. She paints these kids as aggressive, petty, jealous, angry, and a whole myriad of negative emotions, just because they exist. And yeah, it’s completely understandable for them to be angry with their situation. They didn’t choose this life. And it’s not like the vampires who really didn’t choose this life either, because the Cullens had a choice to stay away from La Push and Forks and they didn’t. And when they found out they were causing the shift they could have left and they didn’t. And that’s really fucked up. Because these vampires could have literally gone anywhere in the entire world, and yet they come back to the one town where their mere presence causes teenagers to shift into fucking wolves. And that’s a biiiig reason a lot of us don’t like them. Because they could have been like “oh shit, you guys are shifting because of us?? Our bad, we’ll leave.” But they didn’t, they stayed around and I literally hate them for that.

Onto your second question, Sam phases in either late 2004 or early 2005, shortly after the Cullens move back. There hadn’t been shifters in the Quileute tribe since the passing of Ephraim Black, Quil Ateara II, and Levi Uley (who were the shifters that made the treaty with the Cullens in 1936). When the Cullens left, and no more vampires were coming around, the shifter gene went dormant and the “story” dissolved into legend. Then, the Cullens move back in 2004, just in time for the school year to start. The treaty was still in effect so we can assume they weren’t going over the treaty line, however, since the Cullen house is on the edge of Forks and fairly close to the treaty line, the proximity probably triggered the shift in Sam, who was 17/18 in 2004 and in his senior year of high school. Since he was probably the oldest “teenager” still on the rez he might have shifted first bc we’re told in BD that the longer the Cullens stay the younger the kids are when they shift for the first time. The treaty was mostly created to establish boundaries and also to say “if you kill anyone we kill you”. So that’s my theory on why Sam turned first out of everyone.

I really hope this helped!!! If you have any more questions or need other clarifications just shoot me an ask! :)

[ratfromratatouille]

Ok lockdown round 2 feels different from #1 bc at least I was working then and so I was seeing people who I was friends with and was doing something during the day and chatting with my housemate in the evening. Like, lockdown #1 didn’t change much for me because that was my life anyway? I barely saw anyone because I didn’t live close to my friends. It just meant I didn’t see Luke on Weekends. #2 is just more difficult bc I am not work (at the moment, will change shortly!). Slightly scared that if I get this other job and move far away, even after lockdown I won’t really see anyone which I guess I should be somewhat used to? Just if I get it, then I will truly have no one lol until I make friends with those I work with (again, if I get the job).

Who fucking knows really so I’ll worry about it if and when it gets here 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Things I am happy I did this week:

- woke up before midday everyday this week.

- showered everyday.

- cleaned out my old car

- got my parents to play just dance with me (lol)

Anyway, maybe I should dunk myself in the cold ocean soon for something different 🤪🥴

[maximoffcarter]

IM STILL FREAKING OUT.

Okay okay so, yesterday I made a cheesecake for my crush for her bday. I was really nervous bc it was the first time I made a cheesecake and I felt like it was going to taste horribly so I was thinking on not going but my friend was like “no, you should go, I bet she will love it, just go”. So this morning I woke up and I was like omg no dont go, but I decided to go. So i put my “best clothes” I even wore make up and all and left for school. My friend was in school teaching and I called him letting him know that I was there already, so when I got there, I was shaking but for my luck she was not on her desk so I was like “oops too bad, I think I better go” and again for my luck, she came back shortly after. So she saw me surprised cause she knows I never go on fridays to school so then I showed her the cake and said happy bday and she grabbed the cake and then hugged me tightly also giving me a kiss on the cheek. She didnt believe me when I said I made it but I know she was just teasing, she then told me that her work partner told asked her if I had brought her something and my crush said no telling her that I didnt go on fridays but her partner said she believed I was going to show up at any moment (that was actually funny cause she was right lol) After like an hour or so, I stayed with her talking and then I told her I had to leave and she asked me that if she was the only reason I went to school and I told her yes and I swear to god, her face softened and she hugged me telling me to have a nice week and we’d see each other soon and then she gave me a kiss NEAR MY LIPS! I FREAKED OUT I SWEAR TO GOD LIKE OMG WHY WOULD U DO THAT?! And then I left, I got in my car and I screamed. End of story...yes, everything went well.

[365day2021]

Day 8

Today was my first day off after 5 days of working in a row so I woke up around 11. Went to the gym around 11:45 and did back day for about 45 minutes and then went home to shower. Madison came over at 1:30 and we went on a mini adventure. First was Lidl cause I had to grocery shop a bit and literally only got a small jar of PB, milk, salmon, and . Went back to my place to drop off the groceries and then we went to Cava. If I recall my exact order it’s a grain bowl with 2 hummus and tzaziki and grilled chicken, corn, little bit of pickled onions, garlic and little bit of lemon herb tahini. I used my $24 house credit from when I got food poisoning from there to pay for both of ours (even with Madison’s with a drink) so that was cool. We ate inside and then after we went to Ikea. Just walked around as normal and she bought some beige dishes after awhile of pondering if she should get and I got some frozen swedish meatballs since their restaurant was closed. Afterwards when we got to my car I saw my stimulus check finally hit my bank account which was SUPER lit. We went to the outlets bc I decided to finally buy some crocs. We went there first and I got a black pair with a corgi and chips and guac jibbitz (I lost the chips and guac one already LOL) which was about $58. We then went to Starbucks and I got a tall iced chai with soy and light ice. Lastly we went to Adidas and I got a pair of white grand courts for 40% so they were $38. She got a pair of white superstars which were the same price then we left. Last stop was Target so we went to the First Colonial one and I saw Ashley working. Decided to say hi to her after we were done shopping so I picked up some hair gel, spaghetti noodles and sauce. She picked up a couple things that I can’t remember (I know it includes fake plant  and paper towels) and then on checkout Patrick swung by and talked to him for a bit. Just talked about how I still worked at Apple and how the mall looks so different and that’s it. Then on the way out I saw Ashley wasn’t there but she was waiting on the way out and said hi. Talked a little bit about how Target was being bullshit to her because of some Master Barista thing and how her birthday was coming up so she wanted to party. Anyways after that we got to my car and noticed that the “Check VSA system” and “Check Emission” light were on. We didn’t know what that meant so I called my brother and he said it was okay to drive and not to worry about it. So we drove back to my place and put her stuff in her car then my stuff in the apartment. She left afterwards and then setup my homepod mini I bought the other day. I also got my amazon package of smart outlets that work with homekit in so I set that up too.

I was just chillin’ on my computer after and as soon as I was about to go eat dinner Brandon FaceTimed me asking if I was going to Maggie’s for John Mihalkovic’s last day. I COMPLETELY FORGOT that today was his last day after talking about it so much yesterday so I hit up Madison AGAIN asking if she wanted to go. She said yeah so I went to go pick her up and head to the mall. When we got there, Mandi, Adrian, Lacey and her boo and Brandon were there. Shortly after John showed up with Megan cause his shift ended at 8 (we got there around 810), then Lorenzo and Somhairle. Had to Corona’s with Bacardi Limon shots in them (we call it the Mihalkovic cause he showed it to me) and we stayed there until around 10 talking about everything and anything. Took Megan back to her car and then brought Madison home. I was a bit under the influence when I got home and I was in the mood to play melee so I did that until about 12:30. It is now 1:34 and I just have a headache so may sleep soon. Mango and Ludwig are playing chess so this might be a good time to call it a day.

[spoonie-ritsu]

hewwo since i’m a big gamer i like to imagine AUs as video game plots so now i’ve got two versions of this thing swimming in me brain that i’ll never write so i’ll just... dump these here

the first “version” is like... a more direct fatal frame 4 au, instead of just an inspiration like with ghosts among us. it’s from ritsu’s pov - he wakes up with no memory whatsoever, and some stranger (shou) is with him. basically, shou explains he found ritsu unconscious and brought him somewhere safe, pleasantly surprised that ritsu woke up at all. but then ritsu admits that he remembers nothing, not even his own name. shou decides to keep ritsu with him, because four hands are better than two, and also there’s like nobody else alive (that he knows of). since ritsu essentially has no name, shou gives him the Oh So Creative nickname of... wait for it... mob.

shou explains some more - they’re stuck on an island under lockdown, all alone. cell phones don’t work, along with most of the more advanced tech on the island, and a stormy sea prevents the rusty old boats left rotting in the harbor from leaving. oh also there’s ghosts, because it’s fatal frame and that’s the BEST PART! ritsu has powers, but literally forgets he has them, so shou has to protect him. it would be a little similar to areas in the evil within 2, sneaking around to avoid detection and exploring abandoned houses for anything useful.

along the way, shou and ritsu grow a lot closer. ritsu thinks he’s lucky that the person he was stuck woth just so happened to be someone he would get along with so well.

turns out, it’s not at all a coincidence. ritsu, shou, shigeo - the whole squad were patients at rougetsu hospital, treated for luna sedata syndrome. touichirou used shigeo in the secret ritual dance, causing him to collapse in a comatose state. ritsu’s condition worsened dramatically after that, he was terrified of his reflection, aggressive towards others that tried to approach him, and he was rapidly losing his memories. shou was the only one that managed to keep ritsu calm, so they spent a lot of time together.

not long after, shigeo woke up, blossomed completely, and went on a rampage around the island. of course, even after losing himself, shigeo recognized his brother, shou, and his friends - when he came across them, they were spared. shortly after shigeo moved on, ritsu collapsed, and shou ran away with him, to hide him somewhere safer. when ritsu woke up with no memories, shou pretended not to know who ritsu was, because he didn’t want ritsu to have to remember.

it ends kinda abruptly bc its just an idea and not too fleshed out lol

V2!

a post-apocalyptic setting. evil spirits invade the world of the living and begin possessing people, gradually turning them into horrible, violent creatures. the world falls apart, just think, like... any zombie game out there. maybe more like the last of us?

anyways. 3 years after shit hits the fan, ritsu, all on his own, is fatally wounded and collapses in the street. he’s had a good run, never been possessed, so at least he’ll die with his soul intact, right?

aaand in comes lil evil spirit shigeo, who is really bad at being an evil spirit because he cares about everything too much. so he sees this kid, slowly dying on the ground, and of course his first instinct is to help him! but he’s an evil spirit, and doesn’t know how to help without making things worse. so he does the only thing he knows how to do: he possesses ritsu’s body, channeling his energy into him to slowly begin healing his body

ritsu wakes up hours later, hands and legs bound, on the grounds of an old temple. humans are rounding up the dead and burning them in sacred flames, you know, just in case. they’re only 3 years in, they don’t know exactly how evil spirits do their thing, but they know that being burned in sacred flame will not only destroy the body, but the spirit hiding inside it as well. ritsu is Very Confused, because he’s pretty sure he was supposed to be dead, but then shigeo Mind Speaks to him, and tells him he needs to act fast if he wants to get out. with shigeo’s help, he’s able to slip out of his bindings and sneak off, grabbing a few weapons, maybe taking out a few guardsmen on his way out.

he is... not too pleased with shigeo. Being There. on account of him being an evil spirit and all. but shigeo just explains that he saw ritsu and wanted to save him, he doesn’t wanna like, take his immortal soul or wreak havoc on the world or anything. he just wants to make sure ritsu is okay. so ritsu is skeptical, but he can’t really do anything but move forward

this is.. even less developed lmao.. uhh he meets shou at some point and obvs they’re inseparable, shou knows ritsu is One Of Them (spooky scary possessed people) and protects that secret, and fights tf out of anyone that finds out or tries to hurt ritsu. not that ritsu Needs protecting, he’s got all his stealth and agility and precision along with some badass spirit powers, courtesy of the world’s friendliest evil spirit and ritsu’s Bode Companion For Life

[idiotxque]

weird dream thing

this is gonna be a mess but i have to write it down: sooo I actually don’t know how it even started I had a kinda weird dream before it but nothing special tbh but then suddenly I was laying in my bed and was kinda awake but not really like I tried to open my eyes but couldn’t do it properly plus I was laying on my back and couldn’t move my body I was slipping in and out if that dream state during the whole thing and saw my “real” room when I could partially open my eyes and saw my room in my dream when they were closed and I saw smoke coming from the part of my room behind my bed which was actually part of the dream I had before but this didn’t worry me since I knew it was not real well so I got rlly angry that i couldn’t open my eyes and couldn’t move or wake up so it actually got pretty violent like in the dream state (let’s call it that bc I don’t know how else to call it) I could move but I still felt that it was not rlly my body that moved if that makes sense lol so I sat up and literally just screamed random words I couldn’t control them I literally just screamed fucking nonsense and then always got thrown back onto my back and into my body (???) several times and I also tried to scratch my legs bc I hoped the pain would wake me up but it didn’t work (btw I didn’t find any scratches on my legs which isn’t surprising since I couldn’t move my real body) I kept screaming and stuff and then I stood up from my bed but as soon as I was up I switched back I to my body onto the bed I got kinda pissed and tried it again and again and always slipped back into my body idk how many times I tried anyway at some point I was sick of it and idk why I even got that idea but i literally just got up ran to the window and straight up jumped out of it without hesitation and I fell kinda in slow motion and could see the ground getting closer and closer and when it was like 1cm from me baaam I got switched back into my body on the bed and the shortly after I finally woke up and boy I was sooo fucking exhausted that I had to fight to keep my eyes open and not to fall back asleep again like what the hell man (I eventually fell back asleep after a while but I slept normally then thank god) that was some fucked up shit also some side info I’m not on any meds or rlly stressed or anything atm it literally just happened??!?!?!!!! weird shit

[crystal-waterfalls]

okay so story time

okay so i don’t remember what i mentioned last time about my boy situation but everything is SOOOOO much better and i’m so glad i want to shout it from the rooftops how much better i feel.

so a couple weeks ago, i was over at his (let’s call him Marvin) place cause he said he was having an anxiety attack so of course i went to help. after talking to him for a little bit, he seemed better and we were just hanging out. Then, all of a sudden, there’s a knock on the door and it’s his friend from LA surprising him for his birthday. We’ll call him Alex. So Marvin was shouting “OMG OMGOMG HI” and excitedly hugging him and shit like alright whatever cool. Honestly, I was a little jealous bc I had feelings for Marvin, but i knew it was unrequited so I couldn’t logically be mad so I tried to push it out of my head. We all were talking then his roommate (she’ll go by Patricia) got home from work. We talked in a group for a while and then Alex asked Marvin to shower in his bathroom and he obliged. After Alex got out of the shower, he went to Marvin’s bedroom and chilled in there. Shortly after, Marvin followed and locked the door behind him. I stayed another 15 min or so until I got so upset I decided to leave. I felt hurt, forgotten about, like I wasn’t important anymore. Kinda dramatic, whatever. I left without saying goodbye to anyone and picked up a friend to go to a gay frat party in a nearby city.

THIS WAS THE GREATEST PARTY I’VE BEEN TO IN SO LONG. Granted, it was more of a kickback bc it was like 10-12 people and we just played drinking games and talked and listened to music, but I was surrounded by gays and it just made me feel so whole and like I felt so comfortable and at home it was so nice. I ended up taking that friend back to my place cause he got too drunk and didn’t wanna go back home and face his mom lol. Side note: said friend is super cute and I’d totally fuck him/be fwb if given the chance, but I know that’s not possible so it’s okay. He’s kinda talking to this other dude and we’re friends and it’s all good. During the party, however, Marvin kept texting me where i was and shit and I was drunk so I was thinking “shut up, stop pretending you care and leave me alone”.

Fast forward to last Friday night: Marvin was having his birthday party and I was invited. I was the first one to arrive and just chilled until everyone else showed up. The first person to show up was, you guessed it, Alex. Again, I got jealous when there was no need to bc Marvin and I aren’t anything but friends. Alex, again, asked Marvin to shower and changed into some of Marvin’s clothes which i was like :) wtf (: ... So, more people show up and idk any of them so I’m just chillin, drinking, on my phone staying quiet. Then Patricia shows up from work, so she starts drinking with me and by this time I’ve already made myself a few drinks so I’m feeling pretty good. I don’t remember why, but her and I end up taking Marvin’s dog on a walk and I tell her how I feel about Marvin. Idk why, but I just had to say something and she claimed to have been oblivious and I thought I was hella obvious about it so it caught me off guard. No matter. I don’t remember much after, but my memory brings me to Marvin going outside to get something from his car and I follow. I decide to tell him how I feel and bare my soul (idk exactly what I said), but I faintly remember his response being something like “I’m proud of you for being so brave and open with yourself to be able to say this”. To which, now, I would’ve been upset had I been in my right mind. It wasn’t a proper “i don’t feel the same way” or “i do feel the same way” wtf? Fast forward again to about 4am (i blacked out and came to), I was freaking out having an anxiety attack and Patricia was sitting by the door nearly in tears and I barge into Marvin’s room to find him and Alex cuddling half naked. I was upset, no, LIVID when I saw this, but what was I gonna do about it? Like I’ve stated multiple times, he’s not my boyfriend. However, I did just admit my feelings and he does this (kind of) right in front of me. Regardless, I need to find my keys and get home. I wake him up, unintentionally waking up Alex, flashing a light in their faces and freaking out to Marvin that I need to go home and begging him to give me my keys, getting borderline angry. After a bit of arguing, he reluctantly hands me my keys and I quickly get my stuff and leave, Patricia crying for me to stay and not saying goodbye to either of them. I’m driving home, screaming my head off in the car and texting my friend (don’t follow me kids, don’t drink text and drive). I end up at her place and she opens her door and I give her the biggest hug ever and just start bawling my eyes out. 

WHAT? I’M CRYING OVER A BOY? HOW FUCKING STUPID OF ME!! Believe me, i hate myself too. I told myself I’d never cry over a boy again. I think that’s so stupid; I won’t do it again. I don’t remember much of that visit bc I was still kinda buzzed, but I talked to her about everything and she comforted me and I went home late and fell asleep. I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from Marvin and a couple voicemails, but I was also hungover so it made it extra worse. I was upset with him, with myself, and didn’t want to get out of bed (luckily I didn’t need to until work that evening). Up until Wednesday evening, I basically ignored him and gave him short replies and tried to make it obvious I was upset and avoiding him. 

Wednesday night, I was in the area so Patricia asked me to stop by for a little bit, so I did and we talked for a bit. Just as I was about to leave, out comes Marvin from his slumber and he just plops himself down on top of me, but I didn’t move, didn’t say anything, didn’t hug him; cold shoulder. After about 10 minutes, I finally up and left and was walking out when Patricia was like “where’s my hug?” then I quickly hugged her and left. No hug for Marvin.

Thursday night, i get a text from him and long story short, he says “you came over, but ignored me, didn’t talk to me, left 2 min after i came out of my room, and didn’t hug me...” so after like 20 min, i texted him “come over” and just fucking OPENED MY SOUL to this motherfucker. I told him how I felt during every occasion with Alex and I told him my feelings about everything and how I was hurt and felt used and blah blah. I basically threw everything on the table and he organized it and made it all clear.

I feel 10x better, i feel like everything is going to be much better with our friendship, I know it’s going to change a little bit but hopefully not too much because I still value him and appreciate him in my life. I hate to admit it, but as much as I hated him during that time, i still wanted him in my life. But now that everything is so clear and out there and there’s no lies between us, I feel so much more at ease with the friendship. AND there’s no hard feelings (on my end) about him not liking me back or whatever. It’s all okay, it’s all good, and I now have a really good friend out of it (and possible roommate?).

I’m finally happy right now and appreciating life more and I want it to stay this way for as long it possibly can 😊

If anybody has read this far, props. This was more for me to just type away and get shit out of my head, but I can’t write this much. I type much faster 😂

[jacrispyretro]

dream from last night since i said i wasn’t gonna type it up but i can still remember it so i may as well. prob bullet form tho

one of the first dreams: dms

went to my old middle school for some reason and decided to visit old teachers (hs teachers bc the hs teachers are at the dms right now) and the only one i remember is M. i went to the classroom and remember talking to Ian and hanging out in the room and eventually i left and was mad because M didn’t even notice me. i went back later and we chatted though i don’t remember about what

later my mom & i went to the school

just realized im not using these bullets right so let’s try again

she went to talk to M for some reason and i was outside the room for a moment kind of mentally preparing myself to go in

then i realized he was listening to music and it was “stay” by sara bareilles which is in a certain playlist and a song i’ve been listening to a lot lately

and i was like “holy shit i almost listened to that song earlier” (context: friday i was using shuffle to choose a song and “i choose you” by sara came up and i skipped it and went to “stay” and i tried to go back to “i choose you” but didn’t hit the button so i just listened to “stay.” so dream-me was almost right

so i walked in the room and went “Sara Bareilles???” w a big stupid smile and he was like “yep” and i sang a line under my breathe to kinda show i knew the song i guess?

a little while passed and suddenly he was trying to persuade me to take a class with him??? or something??? where the students went to italy and i was sold immediately but that’s another story

part 2: dms still, but like the weirdly elegant version i always dream about, but even more so - big white foyer

i walked down these huge staircases, presumably still in the school, and saw a couple (i feel like it was M but i dont really think it was because that wouldn’t make sense since that’s who i was bummed about? more on that later; so i think it was gmm tbh lol with his wife i guess idk)

and i saw the couple sitting on a bench against the far wall and was like “oh great a happy couple”

and then when i was starting to walk past them, corey and fucking jim hopper???? or david harbour??? i don’t know. walked in holding hands or each other or whatever and corey was wearing all white (but like - a tank top and jeans, not a wedding dress or something) and tbh i think david/jim was in scrubs which makes me think it was hopper

and i saw them and i was like “fucking A another example of a couple and how tf did corey start dating [david/jim]???? why is that not me??” or at least that was the jist of it

and then there was a weird moment where he let go of corey and stepped into the center of the room and was looking up at the ceiling and like the “camera” of my dream vision if you will was spinning around him (it was super dramatic, i can still picture it)

he was saying something about how he “always wanted to get married in a place like this, and now i can’t” and i was like uh okay and then he and corey just held hands/whatever again and walked to sit down on their own bench and i left rather begrudgingly

anyway that was the jist. there were a couple other dreams too but i don’t remember them. there was one at the end where a guy was OH I REMEMBER

we were in like a greenhouse sort of room? and i was with a bunch of other people and my “boyfriend” i guess whose face, as usual, i don’t fucking remember so when i woke up and realized i wouldnt fall back asleep i pretended it was M

anyway it was cold in there and we were NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH THE KNOB AND CHANGE tHE TEMP

but my dumbass boyfriend did anyway and i was like “boi no!!!” and quickly turned it back down but it was too late, the lady noticed (who was either my work study prof or gillian anderson, i am not certain) and came in and was super pissed

shortly after i woke up

[illnameitlast-blog]

OMG it’s been more than a week since I’ve started this personal project.

I’m going to retry calling as much as I can remember up to today.. 9/11/2017. Might not finish. 

so 

the original plan for that Thursday was to connect two friends in the music industry at 2, clothing photo shoot w a Postmates driver, L, who I quickly befriended at work (a cafe in Brentwood) at 5, and then around 8pm I was going to sleep over at a coworker’s house so that she could bleach and re-color my hair. 

..here’s what really happened. 

I woke up somewhat early, maybe around 9:30/10am. Currently my long-time high school friend Kristine is going to move in with me into the small studio I live in. Her lease ends the last day of August, & that’s today, Thursday. The night before, my friend Taylor said last-minute she needed a place to couch surf after all & will be putting her room up for Airbnb. [Taylor lives in a master bedroom by herself in a large apartment right next to The Grove. The last time I saw her a few months ago I told her I would be down to move in with her and she agreed it would be cool. We agreed she’d Airbnb her room for extra money for September, while I saved rent money to move in with her in October.] 

I walked less than 10 minutes to get a bunch of breakfast for myself. I’m talking about pancakes, toast, eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, and sausage. When I come back, I eat about 3/4 of what I ordered and eat half of an acid-laced sour patch kid, roughly equivalent to half a tab (I’d like to think). It’s about 12:30. 

Alright, now I need to start getting ready as fast as possible before the acid hits. First I talk to house owners Danny & Tara about Taylor moving into the studio with Kristine & I. A little unsure at first, they eventually agree. I go back to getting ready. 

The acid doesn’t hit until about an hour later, when I’m about to leave for my 2pm froyo meeting with friends Yael & Josephine. After getting Pressed Juicery’s matcha “froyo” w almond butter, pineapple, & extra pineapple, we walk withYael to some place she knows of where we can hang out. We’re on Abbot Kinney and arrive at the TOMS store. As you walk in, there’s a coffee bar. Past it, a seating area with tables on the right side and shoes for sale on display on the left side. Past THAT, you go down a few stairs onto grass turf with tall, stair-like seating all against the right side with a couple tables & chairs on the floor against the wall across the entrance of area. We all sit & talk for a bit, where I find out that Yael will be at the Anaheim House of Blues the next day, Friday, where I’ll also be to support a friend’s band that’ll be performing. We agree to try to see each other the next night. Around 3:30/4, we leave to walk back towards our cars. On our way back, we pass the Wheel of Fortune that seems to be some type of known landmark? I spin the wheel, first getting WISDOM but then it quickly switched over to FUN. currently, I do not disagree. maybe later in life I might. 

I get back to my car. right before meeting Yael & Josephine, L texted me asking to rain check the photo shoot. since I was free & I knew Kristine needed some help bringing things to my place, I decide to go over to her apartment in Westwood. when I get there, I’m feeling amazing. I had just linked two amazing people in the music industry and that was the first meeting I’d ever scheduled. I was ecstatic! earlier in my day I had come up w the idea that instead of Taylor putting her room up for Airbnb, Kristine & I could just move in instead. I was going to move in October anyways. I needed to check with Kristine first, & she was for it. So I called Taylor & told her my idea. Taylor loved it! In the span of about a 5 minute phone call, we were moving to West Hollywood. Because of that I was also able to help another one of my friends that was looking for a place to stay for the month of September! ***side note about the weather, during my phone conversation with said friend, that was the day when there was like, apocalyptic weather going on, where it was very warm & humid, but pretty windy & even started raining at some points during the day. I say this because I was observing the weather from the open window at the moment***  during my time there I created this tumblr on impulse. eventually Kristine’s roommate finally left for home & it was just the two of us. it was starting to get late & nothing had been put away in the car yet. WE NEEDED TO BE OUT & DONE BY SUNRISE.

I start packing things in the car. We need to start moving. Once we finished, we drove to Kristine’s home home, about 1:15 hour drive away. We got back to the apartment around 4am I believe. I’ve never mentally pushed myself that hard before, I was so freaking EXHAUSTED moving everything to the car while Kristine cleaned, back & forth, from the 3rd floor (but thankfully had an elevator). We didn’t finish til 7am. I ordered food around 7:30 for pickup on my way home. 

I leave Kristine around 8am. She’ll meet me at my place for food & a shower soon. I get home, scarf my breakfast sandwich down, eyes-closed, hoping to simulate resting. As soon as I finish I hop in the shower right away. I get ready, tell Kristine how to lock up, then leave. I go to work from 10am-6:30pm. 

I’m EXHAUSTED. I magically make it on time. Work is rough. After about an hour, I use the bathroom & check my messages for anything important. Tara is very upset about Kristine leaving her burrito leftovers & the dog got to it, after just telling me the other day to make sure the rules about food in the studio were known. I don’t have time to reply, so I just go back to work & go back to cutting the watermelon up for juice, since we didn’t have any ready. I’m extremely stressed at that point & start tearing up. My coworker/big brother figure Isa sees me, takes over, & sends me to the bathroom. I’m crying. The only 2 bathroom stalls are occupied. I’m crying. A woman on the phone walks into the bathroom & is in line now. I’m still crying. One of the shift leaders Val comes in, hugs me, & takes me to the office in the back. She’s had enough breakdowns to know what was happening with me & I’m thankful for the care she showed me. FINALLY, I’m done crying. I go back to work, feeling better, and finish the rest of my shift. 

As soon as I clock out, I change outfits & head to the House of Blues Anaheim to see birthday! I saw birthday @ SXSW earlier that year, where I also met the frontman, Duran. Although I was DEAD & exhausted, I had this show in my calendar for about 2 months, had told them I would be going the same day they announced it, & refused to flake on them. Their last show I’d missed their set, but I’m so glad I saw this one. The energy was amazing, & it made me want to introduce him to Yael even more for potential booking purposes. Unfortunately, Yael was in a different room than me & couldn’t leave, since she was there as Production Assistant for the show. After birthday’s set, Duran & I catch up a little & watch a few songs of the next opener. It was very interesting. 

Duran says there’s a band he wants to see in a different room & is going to find the stage hand to see if we’d be able to go check it out. The guy gives us two shiny pink wristbands & we head outside towards the entrance to the Foundation Room. This is the room Yael is in! I’m STOKED. We go past the door, it’s immediately an elevator. Take the elevator to the 2nd floor. Exit, walk across the catwalk above/between the stage downstairs & the ramp entrance to the room I saw birthday perform in. 

We enter the room, which is in the shape of a rotunda. Very nice. Duran is standing behind my shoulder. I ask the girl at the front desk if we just walk in. 

Girl: “Do you have tickets for the show?” 

Me: *shows wristbands* 

Girl: “Oh! You’re a member?” 

Me: *quick pause of hesitation* ... “Yes! :D” 

Girl: “Would you like a glass of champagne?” 

Me: “If you would like to pour it for me, thank you so much!!!” 

Duran & I walk in, both holding a glass of champagne. Eventually I introduce Yael & Duran to each other. Towards the end of that show I run into Alexa / Plexxaglass! Shortly after, Duran & I dipped. we went back to the first room we were in. He gets me backstage, into the green room. I help the boys put away their things to leave. In the next room over, Bro Safari is playing.. & Duran has 4 tickets. It’s about 11:30pm. As much as I really wanted to go, I knew I couldn’t let myself, unless I wanted to LITERALLY die of exhaustion. Also, I worked the next day 8am-4:30pm. Duran offers to walk me to my car, except we actually literally walk down the ramps instead of take the stairs to the floor I needed lol. Long story short, I lost my car, we looked for it for about 20 minutes including one of the other boys in the group, then found it on the floor beneath the floor we were looking all over. 

I get into my car, & check my messages. Turns out my friend had moved into the studio already, meaning to me that I couldn’t sleep over there that night. Kristine was at her old apartment where her friends had moved into, but there was no furniture yet meaning there was only hardwood floor to sleep on. Taylor’s place wasn’t an option yet, as she was still cleaning her stuff for us to move in. On my way to Anaheim I’d seen a sign to Riverside & thought about sleeping over @ my best guy friend’s house. Except he’s in Vegas for the weekend. I didn’t wanna go back home home to Rancho/Fontana bc that was way farther than Riv & I know I was already so tired.. So I texted my coworker Bekah, who was supposed to color my hair the other day, to see if I could sleep over for the night. I got to her place at about 1. Her cute ass bought me granola bars & milk in case if I wanted cereal in the morning. (’: We talked a bit, drank wine in bed, then I FINALLY passed out. I woke up the next morning, left around 7:30, and there was ash on my car bc apparently that day there was a fire nearby. Nature is being hella crazy as of lately. 

[outbananas]

headcanons - i’m so far behind im gonna try to speed through and catch up aka tour, bbmas, birthday, noa visit, miami - 39

as parker has said probably a bunch of times recently, he’s been feeling real good! so he was really pumped for tour and wasn’t even bothered too much by fans taking selfies with him and making fun of him in their ig captions, which definitely happened more than once

though he’d been nervous that it would be weird having noa jump on for a couple days, all the guys agreed it was alright for her to come in for chicago, especially with his birthday coming up and him having the bbmas to attend on that day

the guys sold out three shows in total, which maybe isn’t the hugest of deals in comparison to other artists bc the venues weren’t at all large, but parker was still pretty excited about it, especially since two would be when his girl was coming out to see them aaand it was going to be her first time seeing him/them as the headliner

before the show, they spent some time with the guys, but ultimately ended up parting ways to take noa to see the bean bc it was apparently on her bucket list and parker knows she hasn’t gotten the chance to see a lot of places she was interested in going. which is the reason he’d invited her to the tour coming up in japan, but she was pretty cute getting excited about touristy stuff and playing around

he would maybe deny it to people if they asked, but parker was kind of nervous about how everything was going to go and if she was going to like it and just a bunch of things he ultimately knew better about, but it weighed on him a little bit up until things started and it just kind of fed into the show so it was all good

as one might expect, noa was super into the show and very happy and supportive even if she cringes about his methods of showing how much he loves her. aka giving her a big sweaty hug right after the show and aiming his armpit right for her face, which to be fair he’s given her warnings to expect that so it is not big surprise to her no matter how shocked she may look

the other shows went pretty well. noa seemed to enjoy them and they did fun little touristy things in each area when they had time, just so noa felt like she was really seeing these places and not just passing through, which is how things could get sometimes on tour, though they really did try to see some things going on in the cities they visited as often as possible

on the drive to ohio while most of the guys were sleeping in the van, he and noa sat in the very back to have a little privacy bc parker doesn’t like being super pda, even though will did post a picture of the kinda together on ig but whatever, and she tried to set some boundaries, but ended up caving before the night was over and let him go beyond second base

for rock on the range, parker and noa got a decent amount of time to hang out during the day and just kind of wander together. they fucked around with fidget spinners a bit and ended up having sex in the van, which was less than private considering it was parked out with a bunch of other people bc parker’s allowed to break rules on his birthday weekend

noa let parker wear essentially what he wanted to the bbmas, even though she did ultimately kind of pick it out for him in part, it wasn’t something he felt uncomfortable in, so it worked well. she even let him wear his gucci slides with socks bc she’s great

since parker knew noa was super super nervous about presenting, he offered her some of his xanax to take before the night started and told her he’d take it with her, so that seemed to help her chill out a little bit

prior to the bbmas parker talked a bit about chilling with niykee during since she also wasn’t the biggest of fans of this kind of thing either, so he managed to see her, madison, and obviously noa, tate, and will as well

despite the fact that she was only presenting, parker was really excited about seeing noa up there and got a bit too enthusiastic about things, but thankfully not enough to truly be a disturbance to anyone or anything

the pair made a very quick appearance at the after party only to split and grab a flight home so that they could spend a little bit of his birthday the way parker wanted to, alone together in his apartment

at his apartment parker was greeted with a weed glitter confetti bomb and some other surprises from noa that he was pretty excited about bc not only did it show that she cared and listened to him, but that she supported the other stuff he was interested in even if it was a little odd

numerous times noa brought up him kind of sacrificing his birthday for her, and though he would never deny the fact that the day wouldn’t have been what he would’ve planned, he insisted that he had the best birthday bc he got to spend it with her (aww!! gag! lol) but it was true he had a great time despite it all

the next day, which was essentially the celebration he wanted, was spent at home the entire day just being lazy. both wearing only his sweatpants and eating food, binge watching tv, smoking a bunch, and obviously having a lot of sex like nothing too exciting just real laid back

parker kind of got into all the confetti laying around in the times the were just chilling at he would just sit there and cover noa in it a bit and even enough once that he had to get a picture of it of her that he’s really fucking into

he had been kind of joking king of seriously telling noa that he wanted to be like a teenage boy with those like half naked posters hanging above his bed, but he wanted his to be her. honestly it was something he had been saying on and off for awhile, that thankfully didn’t seem to bug her too much, but she agreed it was cool if he did it with that picture... at some point in the future

also while enjoying his day parker spent a decent amount of time bugging tate trying to figure out exactly what went on between her and will after the bbmas bc in the midst of his high and exhaustion he had encouraged her to get something goin with him and he hoped it’d panned out... which it did, but he didn’t get the confirmation for sure until later

the next day parker and noa went to vegas for the sweet tea tour? i think that’s what it’s called god i’m so lazy i don’t feel like looking, but they went to see his cousin madison and niykee perform. both kind of called him out in one way or another, though thankfully niykee’s was only before the show and not during

after the show and seeing the two for a bit, parker and noa spent some time gambling, which is something he enjoys a fair amount. he tried to encourage her to get involved bc he really wanted to see her win some money and ended up giving her some to play with, not wanting her to risk her own when it was really him wanting her to do it rather than her interest

noa ended up heading home shortly after vegas to spend some time with fox and get ready for the weekend in miami, so they said their goodbyes and parker headed back home alone to essentially just get ready for the weekend and spend some time with the band. before she left, he agreed to help her with fox so she could bring him over the long weekend, which he was a little nervous about, but he knew it would eventually be something he needed to step up on anyway

to make things easier on noa as well as spend tate’s birthday with her, the band flew out of la to get to miami. initially parker sat next to tate in an effort to annoy her on the flight, but changed seats early on to keep noa company, though fox was honestly pretty occupied with the attention from the rest of the band and tate a lot of the flight

the first night was mostly about settling in and also celebrating tate so nothing too eventful really went down, mostly just parker getting used to being in a more enclosed space with fox and figuring out the kind of stuff he was going to need to do to help with him

parker was pretty excited when he learned the band had managed to score a second performance slot for the weekend. he figured that could only mean good things and it would look pretty good for them with their new album and all. he texted noa immediately to tell her about it... which means it probably came before the flight oh well

saturday morning was spent seeing a liger and a tabby tiger and other pretty awesome animals at jungle island. given that fox is only six months old it wasn’t really that exciting to him, just kind of more of experience of being out and being somewhere new, but parker and noa were pretty excited about all the animals and things they saw

for the entire weekend noa had picked out some cool local places for them to eat, which parker enjoyed for the most part even if he was always ordering the most boring thing on the menu and even then sometimes handing stuff over to noa for her to eat. he got to have some badass ice cream though and that was great

the band’s first performance went well and it was fox’s first ever, so that was pretty cool noa wanted him to get in and experience that so young. parker always teases her about how overprotective she’s gonna be and how she wants fox to be a perfect little angel, so he was giving her shit that fox would never believe he experienced that so young... but she was pretty cute and told him that of course he’d know bc it would still be happening later on with parker as he grew older so aw cute couple shit

after the show they had plans to go dancing, which parker is always on the fence about. he loves that she loves it and he loves seeing her have so much fun, but he always ends up looking like an asshole in comparison to everyone around him. still, he always goes and has a good time because noa is a great dancer and she always makes things fun for him

the next day parker took care of fox for a portion of noa’s panel. it was only the second time he’d had responsibility of fox ever and the first time as her boyfriend, so he felt a little pressure even though fox is a really good baby

fox only woke up once while parker had him to himself and he didn’t have too much trouble coaxing him back to sleep by singing to him and attempting to shush him the way noa does

the rest of that day was pretty free to chill and check out other things that were going on, since the next time parker had definitive plans was much later that night for their meet and greet

at some point during this weekend parker also learned that noa was unable to swim and he convinced her it was a good idea to learn for fox’s sake, and he offered to help teach her, though she declined learning in miami, since she didn’t want to be doing it in front of everyone else she knows

the guys had smoked some before their meet and greet and actually ended up with some edibles from noa part of the way through, but it made the experience a little easier on the group since they’re not really the type to do these set meet and greet kind of things normally, but they got some nice stuff from fans/met some good people. noa sat under the table with fox to keep parker company and he only made a couple lewd jokes about it

after they all grabbed a super late meal, parker helped noa prep for her q&a in the morning that she was pretty nervous about. he gave her terrible suggestions for possible answers and joked with her enough to try to lighten her up about it, but ultimately offered her xanax again, which he did the other day as well to help her feel less anxious

on monday parker watched noa’s q&a while someone else watched fox for her. for the most part he kind of enjoyed it, but he wasn’t a huge fan of some of the questions she was asked. one even prompting him to get a good look over at the person asking it, but obviously it wasn’t something worth getting too upset about. he was proud of noa for getting through it and doing a good job

tssf had their q&a later in the day, which seemed to go fairly well. there wasn’t anything too outlandish about it and generally the guys had a pretty good time despite the majority of them not really enjoying interviews all that much

they had their second show, which was pretty early on, which was kind of nice for being out on the beach. something different than the other which was after dark. it was cool to play to a slightly different crowd, since earlier in the day it was more likely that people could just be hanging around vs looking to see them/get a good spot for atl

and omg i think that covers everything i need to write shit down when it happens or closer to when it happens instead of being a motherfucking procrastinator but that’s life

[kaw-aakari-blog]

OMG LOOOOOOOOL imma post this on here bc I literally give 0 fucks anymore, brace yourselves: So. I was with someone for eight months (turns out they WERE NOT the person I thought they were at all) and yeah I was happy ish I guess, like happy with them but my life was falling apart in other aspects of my life like grandad dying, the past catching up with me, my home life being shite etc. Anywho I tried to forget that aspect and try and focus on my relationship to try and be happy for the first time in my life. Things were going swell, it took a lot for me to say yes to being his girlfriend bc like i hate relationships and commitment and people always hurt people and that's just life blah de blah de blah. But I did. We did things like go to the beach, go out for dinner, london, camden, museums, london eye etc etc. I was happy with him. Rewind a tad: I introduced him to my best friend (at the time, we weren't as close when we left college) and we went to camden, me him her and another friend from college. Was a great day except the fact it was a week or so before the 1 year anniversary of my friend's suicide (she jumped in front of a train which made the day harder seeing as we were travelling by trains all day but i managed). The morning i picked my ex up i had scratched all my hands up bc i literally needed to feel SOMETHING. And he saw but never really asked bc i said i didn't wanna talk about it. But yeah anyway went to camden, kept burning myself with cigarettes just to get through the flipping day (which apparently meant i was ruining the day for my ex boyfriend- hold this thought bc it becomes relevant later- so i tried my hardest to stop). Anyway after camden market me, my old best friend and him went back to mine (they were both staying over as we were drinking) and the other friend went home bc she had work or something the next day i can't remember. We watched some shitty movie which had a lot in it about sexual abuse (think it was one of the human centipede movies? Might be wrong) and pair that with my friend's anniversary of passing away coming up, I lost it. Like literally broke down in my kitchen (tho my bf was more concerned about helping this other girl bc she was feeling low too which somehow gave her the excuse to literally lean on him the whole movie?) but eventually he came into the kitchen and took me upstairs to someone to talk things through. Felt all horrible after my breakdown/crying session so decided to go take a shower to go cool off. Went into my room to go and get my towel and they were in? bed? together? like not sexually or anything, tho topless, but still? So I went downstairs and broke down again. Eventually he came down and was like "we were just trying to get some sleep", yeah, in the same effing bed? My bed? So I said to him "how would you feel if" and reversed the situation with one of our mutual male friends and me. He said he'd hate it and wouldn't be happy- point proved! So yeah the night carried on, those two woke up feeling ill bc they had pizza that was dodgy so i took my ex home and she made her own way home. So they started speaking over fb ALL THE TIME. Like literally. And he wouldn't "vent" to me and neither would she but they would to each other? And according to him she said she was closer to him than me- fair enough but like that's your mate's boyfriend????????? Anyway we had an argument (me and my bf), don't actually remember what it was about but it must have been her bc he promised (i never ever asked him to) that he would stop talking to her, so i was like do what you want. Time went by, he messaged her bc he felt low. The fact he messaged her did not bother me, the fact he BROKE A PROMISE bothered me. So again, without me asking him to or even mentioning it, he took it upon himself to block her. Fair enough, I'd blocked loads of people to stop him overthinking. Anyway he'd bitch about her all the time and say things about her etc. Me and him broke up shortly after bc i got myself in this massive hole and i just didn't know what was up or whatever. So i ended it bc i thought he deserved better. Anyway went to uni the next day (where my old best friend goes) and my friend said well you may work things out you may not but i am always here for YOU, you're my "insert nickname here". We did sort things out and me and him got back together that day. Okay, so me and him went to my christmas works do. He totally ruined it. Like totally. Was miserable the whole night after literally saying he soooo wanted to come. I tried talking to him, told him we could leave if he wanted- he said no. So we stayed and he was miserable the whole night. I ruined the camden trip according to him, yet when i said he ruined my night out- that was wrong bc he has bpd???????? Ok. Anyway went on for a while and then we broke up for good this time. Basically him and my old best friend (notice how all arguments are bc of her?) had been sharing info about me to each other that is VERY personal and not their place to tell each other. What i tell people is what i choose to tell people, bitching about me behind my back makes you a twat. She made him promise that he wouldn't tell me (according to him) what she had told him. He promised. It came out on the day we broke up, the reason i ended it with him was bc he kept it from me for eight months. Note how he could break a promise to me but not to her??? Anyway he asked me what happened to me in my childhood after we broke up, said that it didn't matter now i may as well tell him bc he's always wanted to know and i can trust him. So i told him and we went our separate ways. He told me to keep in contact with my old friend so i said i would. Anyway a week or so goes by and i am doing what i said, keeping in contact with her. But then i see on my fb timeline her tagging him in stupid memes on fb? Well that was it i just unfriended her. Hilarious how he'd go back to the reason for 90% or our arguments and our break up (which btw he asked me to tell people was a mutual decision). Clearly didn't mean anything to either of them tbh. Just got on with life really. Anyway found out a couple of weeks later that my ex had told a mutual guy friend of ours (that i work with btw) everything about my childhood- awesome, guess i couldn't trust him after all. Thennnnnn today someone messages me telling me my old friend and her boyfriend broke up (coincidence that it's literally less than a month since me and my bf broke up? Probably not) but yeah, in short that's everything. I literally give 0 fucks anymore. They're both liars, both horrible people and I can't believe they would do this to me. My old friend openly admits she's a cunt so fair but my ex bf literally preaches about how he's a good person???? LOL. Wouldn't of expected this from him but there we go. You truly cannot trust anyone. Never will I trust anyone again tbh. But life is good other than that (like i mentioned in my previous post). But yeah nice to type this all out tbh and i've also asked people about it thinking i was just being jealous/overreacting and nah everyone i spoke to says that they agree and i could do better anyway (not true but yknow) congrats if you made it this far😂