#bc it requires talking about myself which i physically struggle A LOT to do and what if its pointless and leads nowhere and.

[umiwomitai]

i have my first psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and i feel like id rather set myself on fire than go rn

[graysongraysoff]

u kno

roughly a year back i embarked upon something of a ~sexuality crisis~ that lasted for ~kind of a while~ bc i kind of blundered into writing smut for a couple rps i was in and was like "writing smut fun actually??" which resulted in me like. not being able to write it anymore for a long time lmao and feeling all gross and hypocritical about it. bc i already have such a complex about being "fake ace" for a number of reasons and having fun writing smut only exacerbated this, bc while i am still 100% certain i have never been sexually attracted to a person or a person’s physical attributes, i was like finding out there are things people can do that i find, yes, sexy. but simultaneously i'm still not really interested in actually having sex? and all of this felt very confusing and contradictory, lol.

and it didn’t help to hear that common refrain of “oh so much of the smut on ao3 is written by ace folks ace folks write so much smut lol” bc like. idk the way people would always frame it was something like “it’s ace people’s distance from sex and sexuality that makes them good at writing it bc of their objective perspective” or whatever but that’s not how it felt to me?? like i would never describe it as feeling “distant” or “objective” or like i was some outsider looking in. i feel really deeply personally connected to everything i write, no matter how like technically distant it is from my lived experience. does that make sense?? like i don’t feel like some kind of fucking scientist observing and recording things; i put myself in everything i write because i don’t know how you would write about characters’ emotions and reactions to things without feeling all of that yourself to some extent. it’s not sympathy it’s empathy, and to a very high degree.

but recently i discovered youtube video essayist james somerton who does a lot of queer/gay content (unrelated his video on attack on titan is fantastic and should be required watching) and i was like letting his stuff autoplay while getting ready for work one morning about a week ago and thus got to listen to a podcast he did with a gay ace co-host about asexuality and stuff, and this co-host talked about how he enjoyed cybering and like writing about sex and having written sexual encounters but found the actual experience of sex like underwhelming and disappointing, specifically saying the real thing like never lives up to what he can write or imagine. and idk hearing someone talk about it like that was really like. helpful and validating for me?? hearing “asexuality is a spectrum uwu” is often too vague for me to really get anything out of it, but hearing someone specifically talk about their place on the spectrum as anything other than a sex-repulsed aro/ace and also having their experience be validated by the allosexual person they’re talking to about it, idk. it made me feel like less of a freak and a hypocrite to know that there’s at least one guy out there who’s like “yeah i like having written sexual encounters but the real thing doesn’t really interest me” and that he’s comfortable enough to talk about it in those terms and to still identify as ace and to have at least one other person sitting there with him clearly not thinking he’s any less ace for it.

idk i’ve been thinking about this a lot in the week since i listened to that podcast and i just wanted to get it out of my brain, lol. i just like. 1.) really appreciated stumbling upon that video so much and 2.) really wish there was more content like that out there for ace folks like me who like. struggle with not feeling ace enough bc so much ace pride is like. “i’m incorruptible.” lmao. like some more nuance would really be great, idk.

[psychosomatist]

Getting my fucking COVID research together ahead of this goddamn house meeting 🙃 which feels pointless bc my housemates already fucking understand and have heard the science. One of them in particular just doesn’t actually care.

Anyway idk it’s thrown into question the longevity of this housing situation. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or what. I know I’m partly just extremely activated after everything this week. Idk all I’m saying is that I don’t want any more chronic health conditions or to have my existing ones be worse and I don’t want to give COVID to anyone either. I’m not even saying don’t go anywhere or do anything. My big ask is please wear a fucking mask and don’t have people over who haven’t been cautious. And if there is a surge don’t go to things or at least pick and choose and try to keep it outdoors. Those are pretty minimal asks.

I KNOW it’s a fact of life now and I know I’ll probably have it again. But I think harm reduction is still important. Because even if you don’t get long COVID there is still cumulative damage each time you get it.

It’s hard bc I am someone with a couple disabilities and have had a hard few years of sickness, surgery and injuries. It’s hard to explain the powerlessness, isolation and desperation of that to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The toll it takes on your body, mental health, relationships, finances, goals. I also was out on FMLA for like 4 months already this year plus then had COVID and being out for emergency fucking surgery meant I was out for a lot of august. Aside from any effects to my actual body, I straight up financially and professionally can’t afford to get COVID again if I can help it. This housemate has definitely had her own health issues but she has also had a social and financial safety net in a way I haven’t and don’t, and is generally able bodied/more able to consistently function than me.

In addition to the actual risk I feel like fundamentally not respected/valued rn bc of this and it is hard to have the same respect for this housemate that I previously have had. She talks a good talk about like disability acceptance and modification of activities and shit but then I’m like dude I’m not sure this word means what you think it means lol.

Like… I’m not gonna tell you what you can and can’t identify with past a point… but I’m sorry, if you can keep up with housework, two relationships, friendships, working out all the time, gardening, cooking regularly, hobbies, work, going out to events and a bunch of other stuff…… CONSISTENTLY….. we’re not the same 😂

I am usually in a place where I have to budget the energy to do almost everything I do. It is actually pretty rare for me to be able to handle going into the grocery store and I spend a lot of time in bed. I go through phases of not being able to be intimate with my partner. I don’t usually know how physical activity is going to affect me and if it will lead to me then struggling to do basic things the next few days. I had to drop out of school last year to address health issues. I have a shit ton of mental health stuff too that requires a lot of work to stay on top of. And I’m proud of myself because I do that work and I don’t make it anyone else’s problem. My friends know that plans with me are always tentative though and I’ve lost people who that does not work for. Which is sad but ok, bc it’s not for everyone. I’m distant with family for the same reasons.

All this to say I’m genuinely hopeful that maybe things will be better soon with my health and maybe I’ll be able to do more.

She is framing it as her valuing her bodily autonomy and I’m just like ok dude you’re infringing on the bodily autonomy of others that you live with when you choose to go do a bunch of high exposure recreational shit, specifically refusing to mask.

I think what really did it is like… this whole damn year has been so so bad physically and mentally, just one thing after another, the actual worst of my life, then I get covid, then my fucking ovary randomly explodes and dies, and then literally the first week I’ve had in like… I can’t remember how long… where I’m feeling more normal and able to do more after surgery and stuff, and there’s a COVID exposure at my house bc of carelessness and my housemate proceeds to say she will actually be taking LESS precautions going forward.

Idk like COVID is not just about me. But I’m feeling all this between her and I in a very personal way because I thought things were different between us than they apparently are. A friend helped me identify that my anger is partly just intense fear of getting sick again and becoming more disabled.

I’m trying to spend some time focused on my own feelings and honoring the grief and fear and powerlessness of what this year has been like for my body and mind. Because I’ve not really done that much. Instead I’ve just tried to dismiss it and get through it and have seen everything as my own fault or what I deserve or felt selfish for struggling. And that attitude has taken its own toll on me. I’m grateful to be at a point in my life where I can even recognize that I need to do this tbh.

I don’t want to communicate from a place of anger. Not bc I shouldn’t be angry but bc it’s not going to be effective. I’m trying to decide if I should share my very personal feelings about all of this (like what I just wrote) in addition to the science and more basic “hey I don’t want to get this it makes me scared.”

On one hand she is more touchy feely than me. On the other hand I think there is a strong likelihood that this household of mental health workers will try to validate my feelings while not listening to my words and then I might actually lose my shit.

I’m also feeling scared and threatened bc this house was the most stability I’ve had ever as an adult and has been the first place I thought I might actually stay for a few years since I was 24. And now I’m feeling afraid that it might not be. If she doesn’t mask it’s going to change how I spend time in common areas, and limit what kind of time/how much I will spend with her or her partner who is a good friend.

Idk I just seriously might lose my shit if this house meeting turns into a big touchy feely cry fest though because it feels so far from the point. When that happens at house meetings it’s like yeah ok great I’m glad that you feel comfortable expressing yourself but now we are just in the weeds, not addressing the problem. The problem is now your feelings.

Like I feel upset at house meetings sometimes too but that’s not the time or place imo to cry it out. I get resentful when other adults have big emotional displays that require others to help regulate them. It happens to everyone sometimes and no one is perfect. But there’s certain times that it’s like… ok. THIS should not cause this much of a reaction. I do not want to do the work of helping you emotionally regulate about this.

[hitaka5ever]

I haven't been on social media much for months and I'll explain why here and how I plan on finishing the rest of the year and what my goals for next year are (I will probs forget to do it later, hence why I'm doing it now)

Anywho, my main reason for being away is for my mental health that has gotten much worse since the end of summer, mainly of course to do with the genocide of Palestinians and the amount of information that has been shared by millions. I've kept my eye on the atrocities on and off since it started, getting some info from family, who I visited recently, but for the most part I've avoided minute-by-minute coverage

I'm a very empathetic person. This means I have a strong sense of noticing others' emotions that become a part of me after enough exposure to them. So for example, if someone I know is extremely sad or cries, even though I'm not experiencing their sadness or pain, I get emotional along with them (since I spend 99% of my time with mum, we feed off each others' feelings and physical attributes the most)

So my depression and anxiety are the main reasons for my absence on everything but YouTube and email. I ultimately have to take care of myself before I can worry about anyone or anything else

I'm back to seeing a therapist every other week on Thursdays via Zoom. She's the first therapist I've ever had that's asked me what my main goals with therapy are and what I'm looking for. My last therapist asked the same thing, but we never actually went over anything practical. Right now, my severe anxiety is what's ruining my life the most, so I wanted to focus strictly on that for now. I want to know what I need to do to combat my anxiety in specific situations, like being out in public places

I've brought up before that I have severe hearing sensory overload. If too many physical noises (meaning stuff not on a screen or through speakers) surround me, I get very jittery and weird feeling in my head and body. I have to leave the room when it gets really bad. Normally I can calm down within 5 minutes of leaving the situation, but that's only if I'm in between 2 people talking with each other. It's a lot worse when they're talking over one another. My worst experience was having sound inside and outside my house that surrounded me on all sides. It took ~30 minutes to return to normal after I went into a secluded area to listen to music with headphones on. As you can imagine this is way too much stimulation for my broken brain to handle, so finding jobs out in the real world are very hard on me

That comes to my next bit of information: I'm still unemployed and looking into temporary disability through my therapist while I learn to take control of my anxiety. I have severe PTSD from being bullied in middle school, living with a mentally abusive parent, and having experienced a terrible car accident almost a year after I graduated high school (this was in 2009) So trusting people on and offline (less so online) has made my adult life very difficult. Riding in vehicles to reach a certain destination was the absolute worst symptom of my mental illness from 2009-2021, and even now I get very subtle anxiety knowing when I have places to get to. I'm obviously loads better than I was back then thanks to meds, but now I have employment to think about, which brings on its own problems

Finding jobs that don't include retail, fast food, or talking to people face-to-face or via phone, especially in my shitty small town, is a nightmare. I've tried finding work remotely at home, but there's always at least 1 requirement that makes me ineligible for the job. I want to make money making digital art, but I lack the skills and exposure in a world where even the most experienced freelancers are struggling to make ends meet (bc of artificial images (AI) taking over the community) As you can tell, this gives me very limited job opportunities and I don't know if I qualify for disability on a normal basis rather than a temporary one, so either way I have less than $150 left in my bank and unable to pay my parents rent bc of all of this

But things here aren't all bad. I enjoyed going to stay with my sisters for all of November where they live, getting to spend time with 4 cats and a foster baby (I did get a bad cold the last week of vacation, but that was the only bad thing about the trip) and coming home to have something I haven't had since 2020

We are fostering a purebred Pitbull girl named Stella for the rest of the year. She's 8 years old but still in her prime and we have become best buds (and napping pals) since day 1. This was a trial run to see if she would be the right fit for the family, and so far everything's been going great, minus her ear infections that we're taking care of. Stella has basically become my dog and we're likely keeping her for the remainder of her life. She's the sweetest and most chill dog I have ever met and I fell in love with her immediately. It took her 2 days of coaxing to be used to getting on my bed, with and without me, and she follows me everywhere I go, so we're bonded for life lol

So that's the most exciting news I have to share about what's been happening with me. I get to go into the new year owning my very own dog and learning how to cope with my anxiety before and after it starts, so I'm looking forward to the new year

Speaking of the new year (I'm almost done, promise!) I have a few goals for 2024 that I really want to stick to my guns about

Run a successful Kickstarter making and selling fire-breathing insect and bug stickers

Making extensive reference sheets of my OCs and fan fiction characters (eg my werewolf au and LoZ stories)

Learning (digital) art restoration. When I visited my sisters, my oldest was gathering foster kid stuff when she became a foster parent, and she got a set of Mega Building Blocks that had significant wear and tear. Some of the pieces with stickers on them were faded and peeling off, so I want to remake those stickers, get them printed, and give them to my sister so she can restore the broken pieces for her future foster kids. This gave me the idea of restoring art that has worn down or ruined over time. I like taking electronics apart and putting them back together again and I enjoy the assembly and design of things, so I think restoring physical items could become a potential art job

Learn basic idle animations of characters and objects. A Clip Studio Paint user makes tutorial videos on the official English CSP YouTube channel, and their latest is simplistic animations in CSP, so I want to try it out and offer it as a commission option if I'm comfortable with the process

Cartoonify famous or interesting places from real life, such as cool cities/towns, schools/colleges, or the Seven Wonders of the World, etc

Visit my friends at our homes or going out to restaurants and into town. My anxiety has made being around the friends I've grown up with really hard as well, not just with employment, so I want that to change a lot too

Legally change my name and gender after wanting to for the last few years (Rocky Dean (dad's middle name) Fuller (mum's maiden name))

Look into getting top surgery in the next 3+ years. I'm finally to the point where having breasts is ruining my life physically (back pain) and mentally (dysphoria) so I need to find a surgeon that doesn't require weight loss or hormone therapy to do the procedure

Just do art in general

That's all for now!

[commitmenttime]

6/21/2023 (start)

first post and its...... hello welcome to my ted talk blog where we’re going to set intentions. for the first time in my entire long tumblr career im going to use this blogging platform as it was initially intended to be used by god: daily life blog

the main thing for this is that i have goals i want to accomplish and im gonna post every day about what ive accomplished/or struggled with

faq (assumed):

q: why are you doing this

a: i find that having to publicly acknowledge what im actually doing is the accountability i need in my adhd brain. also my therapist is like bro journal

1) weight loss

1.1) whats the goal here

i wanna get to a healthy bmi for a lot of reasons, some of which are gender but many of which are health. i’ve gotten down to about 185 pounds before and was so much happier w/ my body/health/general existence. i see a lot of fat positivity on my dash and fully support that!!! but some of my health/physical problems are genuinely related to weight

so!! i’m currently 217 pounds on 6/21/2023. i wanna get down to 185 pounds by the end of 2023. the ultimate weight loss goal is like... 136 pounds bc that’s the healthy mid-range BMI for my stats. we will reassess by the end of the year

1.2) how do this goal

for boring stats, that means a planned diet of like. 1500 calories a day or so. this requires... basically just finding cheap/healthy meals to cook that my lovely food sensitive self actually wants to eat/can cook while doing a million other things.

upping water intake.... how to do this in a way thats natural

another bonus would be to find exercise i can do quickly, consistently, and that i enjoy while also being busy as fuck

2) meditation

want to meditate for 15 minutes a day. i am an anxious ball of stress and i actually do benefit a lot from meditation but have not made it consistent

3) writing

i write for my job and future but i also write fiction for fun. want to write for like 15-30 minutes a day

4) music

this is still tbd on if i can transport my koto to where i live but: playing like a combined 30 minutes of music a week..... perhaps a good idea. consider this one more

5) language study

i am holding myself tenderly. we gotta get better at this and we both know and understand this. we need to figure out a way to do this and i love u, i am setting this intention, we will figure this out

ok squad thats all for now

[pawjamas]

hey..i’ve been back from my stay at the residential facility for several days now and A lot happened, which i’m putting under a a readmore bc it’s potentially triggering (warning for mentions of s*xual abuse/gasl*ghting/etc) my life is basically being uprooted, so much happened in the month of June and is currently still happening, which i’ll explain below

i was admitted to the residential facility on June 9th, it seemed super promising, there was an abundance of 4-5 star reviews from patients online. my friend who currently is working in the mental health field researched about the facility and also confirmed that it seemed a lot better than most places are. the first day was kind of rough and i knew getting adjusted would be difficult but could never have expected what happened the following several days to happen. i made friends pretty quickly, my roommate on the first day there was very kind to me, she told me if i ever needed someone to talk to that she’d be there for me, we also shared the fact we were both nonbinary/just a lot of things we had in common so it was comforting to know her on the first day there.

i spoke to my psychiatrist the next day who told me i could get off “close observations” which is why i was in the room i was, the label is basically something you get put on if you’re at risk for s*lf h*rm/etc and need a staff member w/ you at all times. so since i was taken off of that i was switched to a different room with a different roommate. she was a 60 yr old woman who was in the other program offered at the facility (mine was mental health related and hers was for substance abuse/addiction) i didn’t feel too comfortable around her the first night, she complained about every single thing, she never participated in the groups offered at the facility, she told me over and over again how much she hated being here. the next few days were a blur and are still very fuzzy, my mind is still keeping all the memories locked away which has happened to me many times before w/ trauma where everything’s vague and not fully there.

basically, over the course i was roommates w/ this woman she groomed me and manipulated me into doing anything she wanted me to do for her, she physically/s*xually assaulted me multiple times, and caused my mental health to plummet even further than i thought was possible. i eventually did get to switch rooms, and i only recalled (again, vaguely) what happened those nights about a week later and reported it to the staff where half of them treated it like a joke. i went to the hospital the night i reported everything to get examined and ended up calling my mom on my friend’s phone (she drove to the hospital and stayed w/ me the whole time) and my mom was probably the worse to take my trauma/situation out of anyone. she told me i should’ve spoken up sooner, asked why i didn’t defend myself from this woman, basically the whole phone call was her blaming me for not doing anything about my assault. when i hung up my friend even told me that what she said wasn’t okay, and was victim-blaming.

i left the hospital and got back to the facility around 1:00 am, and the following days i spent there i was continuously getting worse because being in the environment my trauma had happened was preventing me from healing, plus i literally had to be in the same rooms as the person who had assaulted me and seeing her was extremely triggering. she continuously would call me crazy and delusional and that i made the entire thing up, i had difficulty telling what was real and what was not because of how bad i was treated by her and the staff. i’m thankful i met some really kind patients there that became my friends, they helped me the most out of anyone there. at one point a nurse had pulled me into a room and told me how i should never have spoken up about my abuse, how i should consider how it makes my abuser feel, and stop talking to the friends i made about it. but i’m glad i had people who would actually listen.

i mentioned it once but again, my mom was probably the worst person to talk to when all this was happening, at one point one evening when phones were available i called her and told her i needed to leave, i wanted to come home because this all of this was affecting me so badly, and she screamed over and over that i can’t come home and i have to stay, that it’s too bad that happened but continuing to do the program was more important. at that point i broke down and cried, begging her to let me come home and she screamed repeatedly for me to shut up and then hung up on me.

after that evening i knew that i wouldn’t be taking any shit from her any longer, i called my friend who lived nearby about her the following day or so, asked if i could stay with her at her apartment, which didn’t end up happening because we both worried my mom being as spiteful as she is would take legal action if i did leave w/ my friend instead of my mom. i ended up talking to a couple of the friends i made there that i was having bad intrusive thoughts, and that evening i was baker acted (involuntarily hospitalized) and transferred to another facility, which could’ve been because of the staff or me being reported for the thoughts i was having, but regardless i was away from my abuser and didn’t have to see her again.

the hospital i stayed at was...a lot worse than the other place, i barely got to speak to the psychiatrist/therapist during my entire time there, people would joke about how little time you got w/ them. they ended up keeping me there longer than the required 72 hrs, which i asked multiple people why and never got an answer, at one point my mom wanted to make sure i was sent back to the residential facility of which i had to explain would be detrimental to me and my health, but as usual when she had her mind set on something she won’t listen to reason or anyone who explains other (more beneficial) options.

i ended up calling my friend that lived back in the town i live in, told her the whole story and what’s been going on, and ultimately asked if i could move in with her because her and her family had already offered to let me. she was more than happy to have me move in, so that’s what i ended up planning on doing when i got discharged, was have her pick me up instead of my mom. and i called my mom to tell her that i’d be moving out, all the reasons why it’d be beneficial to us both, she took it horribly and told me if my friend picks me up i can never ever come home again and that i’m kicked out. i told her that’s fine, even though it hurt so badly when she said it.

finally, the following monday i was discharged, my friend from back home picked me up along w/ her husband, and we made sure to get all my things from the residential facility (my clothes/shampoo/makeup/etc) before heading back to her house, which was about an hour and a half drive home.

so now i’m staying w/ her, i still feel out of place and disoriented and uncomfortable but her and her family have been very welcoming. i’m trying to get all my stuff from my mom’s but it’s been a huge struggle to get anything from her because she loves to overcomplicate anything and then make it seem as if it’s all your doing and she’s the biggest, kindest saint ever to grace your life. my friends and i all think she has undiagnosed/untreated bipolar, and i definitely think she at least needs therapy and meds too but she doesn’t believe in either for herself. i just want my stuff back, and i do miss my room a lot and jazzy but there’s no way i’m getting either back, i’m also worried how my mom is treating jazzy because she hates him and i’ve witnessed first-hand what she’s done to him before.

i might post my p*ypal / v*nmo (censoring bc i think tumblr is weird abt posts that have these keywords or smth) because i don’t have any income rn...thank you if you read all this lmao i still didn’t even cover half of the other stuff i went through at the place i was baker acted but essentially my life has been turned upside down and i’m having to figure out how to keep going despite it all

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

[awsugar]

Weird question but could you possibly list some pros and unexpected good things that come out of see a therapist. I'm uhhh going through a bad time and everyone is trying to get me to go talk to someone but the thought of talking to someone about those things gives me such anxiety that i start to shake, which i know is definitely a reason to go but i just can't get myself to do it.

im putting this under a cut cause it got long

ok well first of all i will say for me, i think the medication i'm on is doing the heavy lifting of like making me a lot less suicidal on a daily basis which was like. the thing keeping me constantly in crisis. but therapy is still an important part of my treatment. so i would say i do recommend looking into medication and honestly it can take ages to find something that works but if you have really bad anxiety and depression i think medication, if you find the right one, can help a lot! and more quickly than therapy as well bc medication can start working right away or up to a month but therapy is kind of a long haul thing. i get that not everyone wants to take medication but for me it really really works now that i finally found the right one. so for me the combination is really important. just putting that out there. (however if you're just going through a specific hardship rn thats making things difficult for you and it's not a chronic mental illness then therapy alone will probably be great!)

anyway, your real question, pros of therapy. what i talk about a lot with my therapist is reframing my thoughts. she gives me strategies to think about my life in more positive ways bc one of my issues is thinking negatively about basically everything and also catastrophizing. so i would say a pro is being able to think about things in a different way that doesn't make you so upset/makes you feel better about the situation. along that line, a good therapist willl be blunt with you and tell you when the stuff you're coming up with is bullshit. a lot of the stuff i worry about is not based in reality so she helps me realize when i'm just pulling worries out of thin air. also healthy coping mechanisms! i personally have a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms what with chronic substance abuse and binge eating and self harm and i'm not like perfect with those things still but she helps me come up with a plan to cope in better ways. i think you'll also find that it really helps to have someone you can be totally honest with. there are things i won't tell my friends or my parents obviously but with her i know i can talk about those things and not be judged and sometimes just getting things off your chest helps a ton. i think it also can help a lot to improve your relationships. i struggle with a lot of black and white thinking so my therapist is able to tell me, if i explain a struggle im going through with one of my personal relationships, if i'm being too stubborn or not seeing the big picture she helps with that. i think they can also help you to realize the people in your personal life that might be. bringing you down/toxic and help you to remove those people from your life or learn how to better deal with them if it's someone you can't cut out like a family member etc. a friend who i asked for input also said that therapy can help you get into things that you didn’t even realize were issues to begin with, and then they can help you deal with those as well. and she said and unexpected pro for her was finding out that some chronic physical issues were related to anxiety, and through treatment they went away. i know you said you have a lot of anxiety so i think that’s a big one.

anyway, with all of that, i'm just going to tell you that going to therapy once a week isn't going to make you happy. it's something that requires work and dedication from YOU. you have to take the things that you learn from your therapist and implement them in your life in order to notice a difference in how you feel and it really is all about changing the way you think about the things that are causing you stress/pain.

additionally, i see a lot of people i know talk about how they don't tell their therapist anything or they don't tell the truth or they give only a little bit of information to keep them from prying. if you're going to do that you shouldn't bother paying for therapy. you need to be honest and open about your problems if you're going to get any help in return on how to improve them. therapy is honestly all about what YOU put in to it. it's not a magical cure that you get just by talking about your problems. it took me a really long time and many therapists to learn that.

the last thing i'll say is that if you do start therapy, it's important to find a therapist that you like and you think you can create a good rapport with and that makes you feel comfortable enough to be open and honest like you need to be. a lot of times that isn't going to be the very first person you see. it can take a few (or more) people to get someone who really meshes with you and that's ok, you just need to not give up. if you start therapy and you're not vibing with them after the first couple sessions you need to be honest with them about that and look for someone else. dragging your feet with a therapist whos style doesnt work for you is just as bad as not being honest with them. you won't get what you need out of it.

so that's what i have to say about therapy basically. it can definitely help in a lot of ways as long as you are willing to put in the work, in combination with finding the right person. i know you're scared and anxious about talking about that stuff with someone, probably especially someone you don't know, but most therapists will not delve into your deepest issues in the first few sessions. they'll want to get to know you on a more baseline level and create a level of trust so that you DO feel more comfortable telling them everything on your mind in the future.

i hope this was helpful at all and i'm sorry you're having a bad time and i hope you can find something that helps!!! <3

[littlenekosfan]

Since no one else asked... Do the boys for the ask meme too uwu There is never too much Bazz and Jugram <3

oh BOY we are here for a fun ride :)

1. Favorite thing about them

that is a rather complicated question since it's so open... hm, lets go about what i like about their character

bazz, his passion, i love that fire he has in his heart, so bright you can see it shine in his eyes, in everything he does.. passionate people are the ones i love to hear the most about, their engagement and enthusiasm always inspires me even if i dont relate, you can tell im a person of love haha, its my most important value and he has no shame in showing that, he always smiles and have that confidence, and still feel like a relatable character, down to earth, and i really love that

jugram is a little harder to love given his... cold persona (no being hot wont count here) but there is something that makes me fall for him and its his unconditional love... he isnt really open about the concept of love, and he very much has his own interpretation of it, where he keeps hiding what it truly holds even to himself... while i dont like how he denies it, he never killed it, he never killed that flame in his heart even if it means it would hurt him in the future... his love for bazz is just beautiful to me, to love someone for all the goods and bad, from the past to the future, to love even if the ideas dont collide with yours... he cant let go bc he genuinely feels love, and im glad he kept it and accepted it despite it all

was that too fanon or vague ?? im probably talking to myself or i talk as if the person heard all my interpretation of these two... very specific, so i dont blame you if you dont get it

tbh there is so much to love, their story, their personality, their contrast, their relationship, their struggles etc etc, its just, SO much and its all so good..

2. Least favorite thing about them

ahh, i always try to see "what went wrong" with these two... while there is a lot of mistake there and there, which are human or misunderstandings, there is one thing that... kind of upsets me, its this

i know what you're going to say, naki you're not supposed to take it literally, but i think it is... the more i read it, the more it makes sense with how they acted in their separation, but has humans, its so.. out of touch... like, oh yeah, never talk about your traumas/struggles/feelings with your partner bc we understood eachother??? bro you've only known eachother for 6months and yall arent even adults....... no way they never talked about that but also, if they had, they wouldnt have had that break up....... anyways, what im saying is, its unrealistic and it actually irks me.........

3. Favorite line

"Don’t worry about what the grown-ups tell you, I’ll teach you everything you need to know, We're gonna become the strongest Quincies, Jugo"

"Ishida Uryu... you should go save your friends..."

both can get my crying in the club... the first one bc it touches me personally, and the second bc... juazz feelings

4. brOTP

jugram: lille, askin, his aide (also aizen ???)

bazz: haha.... who even wants to be friend with him, actually i want to... askin.

bonus with juazz+ichiishi !!!!!! i love that combination sm

5. OTP

ill just list my ships with involving: juazz, juazzbert, jubert, hubazz, baskin

6. nOTP

juhasch....... and lowkey bazzren/jugishi

7. Random HC

well... how about one headcanon of them by age slice

as kids, bazz was jugram's sunshine, too bright sometimes haha, jugram had to take a lot of time to adjust to bazz' energy bc while being cocky and.. arrogant, he's very nice, and he can see that, sometimes it would wear him off since he's not that great, but bazz is too good of an observer, he would quickly notice it and cheer jugram up.. a little hard duo, but they are both trying their best

as teens, they say they are stuck in the forest training but that would require a nice little house wouldnt it? minimum furniture since it's too hard to get some (ahem, sleeping in the same bed for some heat nyehe) but also, that's basically a domestic au lmao but yeah, cooking, doing laundy, bathing.... all stuff together :) i like the idea of bazz being the only one being able to read and jugram learns from him? he takes so much interest that he keeps a journal about their journey or discoveries... bazz too, but not as much... he's too busy being disliked by the neighbor city jfghdfg

young adults/prewar. oh... oh boy, that one i actually need to dev about it with scenarios and my personal hcs but ill go with a ns//fw bc why not :) while they dont talk nor get along well.. like, at all, that doesnt stop them from being... touchy, it wouldnt romantic or anything "reciprocal" (as in, its more selfish/out of impulse then doing *with* the other) but there is def some yearning... lots LOTS of it.. they would kinda regret doing it bc its not right, but they just cant help it...

post war, this one can be very very open and wide, but rebuilding what was lost brings some reconciliation... not fully, but the gap is less... awkward, so they can now talk to eachother without that weird tension, bazz would love teasing jugram but it would always end up falling on his own head fjghdfg,.. there is some up and downs during that time ofc, but no tension like it used to be, they would have some casual talks... too casual that askin can easily pick up how they have history fgjkkfgh

i actually have a lot of hc, such as their physical appearance, their little perks and ofc, their angst... its hard to dev when im just given one random hc fgmjdfg i either end up with scenarios or interpretation rip legit i can make a post of the same length about their hair.. THEIR HAIR.....help

8. Unpopular opinion

i have no shame to blame the very badly received ending of bleach to juazz unpopularity... also ppl considering them as villains, for some reason, yet arrancars gets lots of love and attention but not ritters?? maybe bc of the anime but still?? most ppl in the fandom read tybw now...... sigh..... also, if you dont think romance is possible between them, ill call you homophobe on sight (idm ppl who prefers it platonic, but if you think it "ruins" their relationship, you are so off the grid pal)

also, they are one of the best written characters in the whole series but nobody wants to dig as far as i did.......

and very very hot take but..... you cant have jugram or bazz as a fav if you dislike the other, not sorry

9. Favorite picture of them

and of course

[thewonderingsorceress]

Urgent PSA- Threads & Activity

Let’s have a talk about my semester and the next year, because I really need people to hear me and understand wtf is happening. I randomly set this to post so it’s not directed towards everyone. (With everything with RBG I thought it’d be a good time to try and explain what’s been going on with me and how it’s not going to get better until a few months from now.) If you need to contact em please feel free to IM me I am online right now and will be for a while. 

SCHOOL THINGS & Activity

As most of you know I am a ‘grad’ student. As some of you know that field is law, so I am a law student, and this is my last year of school. I was hoping to have some time to go between and gets some replies done during  class like I normally did BUT there’s a few things with that.

First you need to understand I have clinic, which is where I am working as an attorney for the semester to get my experiential credit required to graduate. This requires a minimum of 20 hours a week.  Law school is hard to say the least and I put a lot of time into it, clinic and pandemic learning though are 2 completely different monsters. So for clinic I have been working a 40 hour week PLUS being a full time student because my problem I am working on with my client is “novel and complex” to the clinic aka the clinic has never done anything like this and its super complicated even for my faculty advisor. I am literally in tears most days from the sheer amount of stress and my faculty advisor not wanting to help.

Then with pandemic learning I have teachers who do not want to teach, and are giving us the bulk of the work to teach ourselves and if we can’t we basically fail the class because we can’t answer questions in class (Zoom) because if we can’t answer the questions they will mark us as absent even when we’re not and fail us that way. My 2 credit class it also treating the class like a 4 credit class.

I have to take decent notes because I am working as a note taker for the extra cash.

I also found out I didn’t get the grade I needed for an exam by 2 points and have to retake it late October and study while moving and class things.

Now my school is also talking about being online in spring again, while trying to raise tuition because they are bankrupt. 

I also have to study for the bar this year and idk what my schedule will be like until after that is taken. 

Needless to say I stressed from school alone but there’s more.

Home Life & Moving

TW: abuse & suicidal ideation  in this section skip down to Roleplaying

So as some, though very few may know I live in a very abusive home. It is mostly mental and emotional but recently since the BLM movement becoming more active and the pandemic it’s become more physical because I don’t believe in anything my parents believe, and I am LGBQ+. So I took out money from my school and am moving in the middle of the semester when papers are due, exams are given and right before my retake. My mom is trying to keep my cat at home with her and saying its just as much hers as he is mine- I pay for everything though. So I am worried she’s going to call ASPCA on me bc I am “abusing” the cat by moving him with me.

My family has only gotten worse and I need out I am so gd tired and this quarantine has been for nothing bc people like my mom carry the virus and don’t wear a mas or anything. I have become suicidal over the past few months and struggle to just live every day- obv school has not helped with that.

Political

TW political things

I am in the US and at this point I am pretty positive that Trump is going to win just based off the trial run of McConnel’s voting day and what they are doing to try and suppress votes. This is terrifying for me and my friends for many reason. (and now with RBG gone, RIP, he will take over majority of the supreme court) and my parents literally think he is jesus christ incarnate so I am not safe where I am esp since my parents recently bought guns to “fight against the civil unrest” that’s all I am going to say about this but I am sure ppl understand how that is a lot.

ROLEPLAYING

Now why am I telling you all this when I’d rather yet myself off a roof than say anything.

a)      I still want to rp a lot, but that is very difficult right now. I am trying to save everything but my activity hasn’t been working.

b)     I would like to start some things on discord because that is what works best for me right now so if you’d like please let me know if you’d be willing to be discord things.

c)      There has been some passive aggressive comments about my activity and they aren’t appreciated and makes me want to be on here even less. Just stop. I don’t mind people asking about if I got a thread ( I appreciate it actually) or talking to me about things but when you say things like ‘oh you’ve posted for this person’ or alluded to that or something just stop. I don’t have the ability to be nice about this anymore I’ve gotten in on both of my accounts.

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[deniigi]

Thank you for writing Matt as a product of lifelong poverty w/o it being his whole identity. Fics nowadays represent issues like race, sex, lgbt, ablism, etc well, but not a whole lot touch on poverty. Ppl rarely escape poverty bc it's pervasive af. It's academic failure, crime, abuse, etc. I'm so grateful u expose it in ur fics bc I swear some ppl forget that poverty is a real problem that can happen to anyone anywhere. Those rags to riches stories are the exception not the rule. So thanks.

Hello anon!

Thank you for dropping bringing up this issue because it unleashed a whole can of worms that I didn’t realize was even bothering me.

So, I suppose, first of all–I agree with you. It does seem kind of strange to me when people write Matt as this snobbish guy with a nose for nice things and nice things only. Because like, while he might indeed prefer those things, a lot of that is rooted in knowing intimately what it means to not have them and his engagement with them is then totally different from someone else who has not had to live without these things.

In fact, anon, I don’t know if Matt has ever truly gotten out of poverty. Financially or socially. Certainly not in the Netflix verse at least.

I suppose I just don’t understand how he is supposed to be this high-rolling lawyer with his tiny firm and all his mental health struggles and all his physical injuries and long-term absences from work. I’m not convinced that he gets enough high profile clientele to offset his pro bono work either, and I’m not convinced that, somehow, between foster care and law school, he has acquired and internalized all of the social education required for him to really understand himself as deserving and represented in the lifestyle he’s found himself thrust into by means of his profession.

Like. 

There are so many mixed signals going on with Matt’s financial situation and I just don’t fucking get it, anon. (jk, I do. It all has to do with ideas of power and Matt’s meta construction as a masculine ideal)

But yeah. When I write Matt, I think I try to maintain a slightly better continuity with his so-called ‘rags to riches’ backstory by trying to show that, while Matt is somehow (mysteriously) apparently no longer worried about affording every day expenses, he is still severely lacking the cultural education you need to move comfortably among people who have always had more money than you. He doesn’t know how to relate to people who’s lives are not one long stream of violence (violence from poverty, violence from the state, violence from ableism, the school system, etc etc) And that (in addition to his disability) probably has a dramatic effect on the way that other lawyers, firms, and clientele view him and that has to also have an effect on who is willing to hire him to represent them.

So it just becomes a cycle wherein Matt’s experiences with poverty frequently manage to manifest themselves in ways which are likely to pull him back into it and a lot of the unhealthy and violent behaviors that surround it.

(Although, to be fair, Matt’s the one who chooses to put himself in a lot of these uncomfortable positions, so he can’t be absolved of blame here, either)

And hey, while I’m here swinging at this beehive, I guess I’ll also just say that I’m not sure that I agree with that people in the fandom are handing racism, ableism, sexism, and sexuality issues all that well, my dear. (but this is already a very long answer, so I’m going to go ahead and put that particular rant under the cut)

Like, I am 100% guilty of failing to adequately address a lot of these issues. I def don’t include enough people of color and women in my work and I am highly uncomfortable addressing issues of ableism and racism outside of microaggressions. I like to think that I do decent work in nuancing sexuality among the characters I play with, but no doubt, I could do more overt work with that. That said, I recognize these things about myself and I like to think that I am slightly more sensitive to these issues than your average bear.

When it comes to a great deal of the fandom, however, there seems to be a lack of awareness or interest in becoming more aware of potentially problematic representations of characters, relationships, and scenarios.

For example, (and this might be tough for some folks to think about) in the way that Peter has become this highly preferred little brother/adoptive son/mentee figure for Matt.

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing inherently wrong with this characterization or arrangement. It’s fine. It’s great. I’ve done loads of work with Peter in this position. But then I learned that Matt canonically already has a son-ish/mentee/apprentice figure and that is Sam Chung. And Sam is not only a person of color, but he is disabled and he is undocumented.

And straight up? I was angry with myself that I didn’t find out about him sooner. Because Sam has 5–count ‘em–5 stories about him on AO3.

I get that Sam is a character from the comics and so is not part of the Netflix verse. But like–Peter isn’t from the Netflix verse either? Or Wade??? Or Darcy Lewis???? (There are, I swear to god, 179 DD fics with Darcy in them on AO3. Sam. Has. 5. That is more than a 3000% discrepancy.) and it’s like we aren’t actively talking about how there are many problems with that and there doesn’t appear to be any really significant effort to try to address it in a productive way.

I just don’t know, anon. I guess I’m not sure I’m ready to congratulate myself or anyone in the DD fandom on our ‘activism’ or representation when we still have all these issues flying around that we aren’t seriously discussing and addressing. I mean, I’ll keep on truckin’ of course, but I just. I don’t know.

[specimen9]

how can i tell if i’m a “radical kinnie” or delusional? i have delusions about other things and i wish i wasn’t so attached to this identity but you know it’s the usual mental illness doubt i guess. could you explain what’s the thought process of radical kinnies? even just briefly, please..

yeah i struggle w/ it a lot and ive found ways to cope but its different for everybody.but ive noticed when it comes to delusions relating or similar to, theres a lack of “””canon memories””” or whatever so i tend 2 groan when ppl who claim to be delusional have… canons esp when theyre obviously doing it in belief that it will get people off of their back / stop criticizing them which isnt ok. if u do this please for the love of god own up to your shit lol. but within my personal experience, my brain can really latch onto characters whether it be GOOD or BAD and i frankly try to avoid medias with notably bad characters to lower the risk of that. when this happens and depending on how much i focus on it daily i end up not being able to look at mirrors, i cant stand people taking photos of me much less taking photos of myself unless i feel like i look like the character which is in itself really difficult and stuff i couldnt even admit 2 my therapist bc i felt super stupid lol. i end up dissociating with myself a lot when people use names not relating (hence why i use nicknames because I DO NOT expect people to go that far lol and i want to avoid using names within cultures i am not involved with even if it effects me.), unlike most kin ppl theres really? no desire to find “””canonmates””” or whatever and i actually get repulsed by people who claim 2 be delusional or kin w/ characters i like and i dont know if its because of the bad track records ive seen on people lying etc or what. this is definitely not a universal experience and some people are more comforted knowing theyre not alone in that. when i have a major episode my whole brain feels clouded as if a switch was flipped. my morals are influenced, my speaking, etc etc and as someone who also has a system, this is NOT the requirements for a headmate either if you were curious especially with the awareness factor of it all. i judge my clothing a lot more harshly, im very critical of the way i look all the time and i feel like my delusions relating have resulted in a lot of body dysmorphia. other ways i cope w/ this is cosplaying & while its expensive a lot of the time its like the only time i Look right?? like nothing on my face looks like it moves around, i feel comfortable, etc. 

being a kinnie and going “ i hate doubles ): “ isnt related 2 being delusional at all and is FAR under the same scale. but i really get the distaste for being so attached and i tell ppl all the time like. i wish i was a kinnie dude IJNCXINKXZC theres some characters i havent ever been able to shake and while 99% of them are good and benefit me mentally i just wish i had a choice in it and i would give anything to not feel like im on the brink of ripping myself apart for the way i look. my delusions are a lot more physically related, so keep that noted too and ifyou want to dm me about it you can! theres definitely different scales and kinds of delusions relating to this same topic and its ok to doubt it until youre reassured. people rly dont make it easy and especially kinnies because they. literally cannot understand lol few people are particularly good about it / dont make fun of people 4 it hence why i dont even list it or talk about it on my own account. others make it really hard for people to figure themselves out in this department and thats kind of why you have a bunch of really. edgy kinnies running around claiming 2 be delusional, you have kinnies who cannot admit to being delusional because of the way ppl act, etc like the amount of disrespect & ableism is really nauseating

[eforest]

Oof my school is threatening to homebound me/take away my credits/fail me bc I miss bc I’m chronically ill..even though I have doctors excuses.. bro....Nd my fam keeps telling me how I ruin their life bc I’m disabled :((

that’s all really really awful, I’m so sorry you’re going through that!

I just want to quickly say that my answer to this is all going to be from personal experience so I’m sorry if it isn’t very informative and more just what my general ways of going about this were as I don’t really have much knowledge on this other than that. I’m also not entirely sure if all of this is the same in other countries. It’s likely also going to be a bit rambly due to it being late (I want to answer it rn regardless and it’s not like any trouble I just wanted to let you know that real quick).

My school ended up doing about the same before I ended up having to drop out due to my health. Especially the school I went to before having to switch to special ed, so I’m not too sure about how to actively handle it. But do you know if it would be possible to try and arrange a talk with your doctor and the school staff if you haven’t already done that?

I ended up usually taking my therapist/psychologist at the time along who’d also explain my physical illness parts and be the like contact person regarding all of it. For me that ended up helping a lot as they’d make the deals regarding it in the talks and because they were speaking to a medical professional they were a lot less likely to be as bad about it and when the deals were made they couldn’t just disagree again after (to ensure that I recommend getting a black on white statement from them that those are in fact the things you decided on).

I’m not sure if your school would be willing to do this, but what could also help is trying to ask for accommodations that they feel still qualify as a replacement for what you have to miss? Such as maybe even asking for video recordings of lessons and different assignments to replace an assignment you can’t do. Offering things like that tends to make them see you as actively motivated/trying and cooperative. While you are either way, that’s basically just some bootlicking which can help sometimes. 

I eventually ended up being able to drop several things, not do all the homework, get extensions, etc. but that might’ve been due to this being at the special ed school. At the school before that I ended up being able to for example not do PE and instead for example needing to an essay in its place. I also ended up being allowed to make up for the time I missed through doing a bunch of tests that summarised the work from the year. (Sadly though in the end they wouldn’t let me pass even after meeting all their requirements because some teachers were just rlly ableist and wouldn’t grade my work and made it so I had less time on tests etc. but that doesn’t need to be the same for anyone else! them not letting me pass was the reason I switched to special ed where they did let me pass.) 

In the end with the special ed they even went as far to allow me to purely focus on my end year (mostly from home) and just the exam related and absolutely required things as well (this was before my actual end year too) so generally these types of things /should/ be a possibility for them to offer. 

Which reminds me, if it’s at all option, switching to special ed can generally open up a lot more possibilities with these things, and staff/teachers tend to be a lot more understanding there! But I know that’s not an option for everyone, I only got to because my therapist at the time practically forced it onto my family as the only option at the time after all the problems with regular schooling, on top of living somewhere where this is an option at all.

Generally speaking, I think it might actually be illegal for them to do these kinds of things so that might be worth looking into and potentially fighting as well if you can manage to with the help of doctors and such. Maybe even just looking into the rights you have with this and letting them know you’re aware of those. But I know that’s really difficult when you’re already struggling as much. If it comes to that it might be an option to have others mostly figure it out for you like support workers and such things if the doctor(s) you have can’t.

I also want to add that if these things still end up inaccessible to you, that dropping out entirely when you can or doing something like GED instead is not in any way worse, and that you’ll still be able to live your life in ways that work for you. I’ve dropped out myself and I’m currently getting on disability benefits and will be moving out early next year regardless. The road that gets laid out for you originally isn’t the only way, and for many people not even an option and there is absolutely no shame in that. 

Regarding your family, I’m really sorry you’re stuck with as ableist family. I know what that’s like and it’s really nowhere near okay for them to treat you that way! I know there isn’t much I can do regarding that sadly but keeping my fingers crossed for you that they’ll become more educated and understanding eventually. 

I really hope it’ll be an option for you to get away from them sooner than later if not because it’s really terrible to be in that spot and their ableism can also be really affect your health. And that once you’re away from their influences at least that you get to surround yourself with more supportive and understanding and generally good people! 

Please also try your best to remember that your disabilities will never be your fault and that none of these things make it okay for these people to treat you this way. Ableism is generally too light of a word as it’s just a form of abuse. Deciding on having a child means also deciding to care for and love said child no matter what turns their life take and this includes any forms of disability. You’re not ruining absolutely anything for them. Your disabilities in no way make you a burden, worse child, or anything like that, their ways of responding to this just make them horrible people.

I hope any of this could be of help and I’m sending lots of support, love, and solidarity your way. Please know that if you ever just need to vent or anything like that my inbox and DMs are open! ♡

I also want to quickly ask if you’re okay with me reblogging this to my mental and physical health blog @schizospoonie to put it in my advice tag there (a collection of asks I’ve answered in ways like these).

[holocene-days]

hey jemma, would really love some tips about how you've been figuring yourself out, would love to get to that place but difficult to know where to start

ahh hi! 

i should probably preface this by saying that this has been a hella long process that’s taken place over the past 2 years. 

a lot of this post is gonna be me talking about my experiences bc i’m not really good at the whole second person advice thing. so i hope this is helpful in some way!! also lol sorry this got really long, i just had lots of thoughts 

*tw mention of eating disorders, nothing too in depth but just like talk about anorexia and such things*

i kinda started this journey in fall of 2017 when i realized i had lost myself and was struggling severely with an eating disorder and went to see the therapist at my uni who specializes in eating disorders. she diagnosed me with anorexia which was like a major wake up call and i was like jfc who am i what am i doing to myself how did i get this way. i had lost over 20 pounds and was completely focused on how i looked and i felt so out of control of my life and my desires and ambitions that i coped with it through controlling my weight and how i looked. long story short, saw this therapist through fall of 2017 and at the beginning of december had a breakthrough, which was when i said “i don’t want to be thin, i want the things i think being thin will get me”, thus the start of my recovery began. 

i then spent 8 months of 2018 studying abroad in london and traveling around europe and met the most amazing people and had some of the best experiences of my life (shout out to my girls matilde @timobeechalamet and megan @blxckisthecolor) and because i was so focused on traveling and school i didn’t really have any sense of self, which actually was quite beneficial because i was trying to recover from this traumatic thing and the distraction of travel and school were very helpful.

went back to the states in dec and graduated from uni this may. spent my last semester focused on myself and finishing my degree and spending lots of time with my friends. and here’s where i really started to work on myself.

i’ve always had lots of anxiety around school and perfection (which is why i initially started seeing a therapist 4 years ago) and it took me a lil while but i’ve realized that i don’t feel these kinds of pressures anymore because i’m out of this environment which was stifling and stressful, i’m able to be myself more. which brings us up to the present day where i now feel like i have the time and comfortable environment to enjoy myself and explore new things.

1. focus on your passions. what do you love? what do you love to do? are there classes you can take to learn more? books you can read? my big love is acting so i got a degree in it and then went to LA this summer for a month and a half to go to a film acting school and through that program learned SO much about what i want from myself as an artist. i watch lots of movies and series. find way to incorporate what you love into your daily life. take just 30 minutes for it and just focus on it. i find that keeping a tag on here of things that inspire me artistically can be really helpful bc if i’m ever feeling uninspired or stuck i can go back and look through the posts and get mentally back on track with my passion.

2. writing. i’ve been keeping a journal since i was about 15. i don’t really make diary entries in it but i love lists and making lists about concepts or themes or aesthetics. i recently made a list of all of my favorite meals this way in case i don’t know what to make, i have a basis to go back to of things i know my body loves. some nights i just come up with an idea and i take out my journal and just write and don’t edit myself. just keep the ideas going. no detail is too small. it’s just really nice to have a place with all my thoughts and ideas and feelings. writing is really cathartic for me. 

3. bullet journaling. my bullet journal is separate from my other journal and in it i keep my month and mind in check. i draw out each month and write down thoughts and goals of things i want to do for the month. i have pages about the law of attraction and new things i want to try and quotes about acting and being an artist. it’s such a great way for me to customize my life in a sense and have a book of my current life and thoughts to refer to.

4. your space. i am that girl who always has clothes on her bedroom floor, and everything is typically very messy. but that shit stresses me out so much. and so in an effort to try to have more peace in my life, i’m trying to do better about it. literally yesterday i deep cleaned and redecorated half of my bedroom and put in a bookshelf from my dad’s office and put lots of plants and books on it and wow it really transformed my room. it was SUCH a simple thing that took like an hour but really changed the whole vibe of my room. your room is you lil home in ur apartment or house and it needs to be your happy, chill space where you feel comfortable. putting in effort in your room seriously changes so much about your mental attitude. i’m trying to get in the habit of making my bed each morning and it’s been v helpful!!

5. ya body. i think taking care of your body is so incredibly important in your self discovery journey because it affects how your brain works and your outlook on yourself and the greater world. bc of my ed my sense of body has been real fucked for so long (i’m talking like 10 years :))))) ). here’s how i got to a better place with it 1. lots of therapy lol. 2. reminding myself that my body is a living, breathing animal that requires food to function and movement to feel good. breaking the idea of movement (i.e. working out) away from the idea of being skinny has been hard but intensely helpful and effective in the way i view my body. i focus on movement. not working out, not burning calories. things like walking, biking, dancing, ice skating are all physical activities i really enjoy that don’t feel like working out. food is a whole other beast. i totally still struggle with food sometimes but it’s getting better. i’ve been focusing a lot on intuitive eating over the past couple months (these posts by @heavyweightheart have been so incredibly helpful in teaching me about this) and that food list i made a few days ago is also really helpful. my advice would be eat what feels good to your body and makes you have energy and feel good. stay active in your life and move in ways that also feel good. the more i take care of my body, the better my mind feels and the more in touch with myself i am.

6. back off instagram. that shit is... not great. i mean, it def has its moments (and memes) but overall i just feel like insta is a place where people post photos of their “perfect life moments” and want their friends to validate it. and then there’s all those influencers on there and so many insta stories and it’s just really overwhelming. if you really like instagram and don’t feel like it’s anxiety inducing then def keep it! but also know that it’s okay to step back from it for a lil bit. it really helped me to feel more present and not continuously compare myself to others and feel a need to post if a cool thing happened. it’s been nice to be more private and keep things for myself. 

7. patience. remembering that things take time and what you want is achievable you just have to keep goings. try new things. change your approach, allow yourself to fail. learn from the failure and do better next time. 

8. kindness. towards yourself and others. really putting in the effort to be kind to people in your everyday life makes SUCH a difference and really brightens their day and yours as well. putting out good vibes brings back good vibes, which then allows you to feel better about yourself and more in tune with others around you.

i’m going to stop this here bc this is so fucking long at this point lol i’m so sorry for that but i hope some of this was helpful pls let me know!!

[kae-karo]

[1] hi!! so idk if you've seen dan speaking at the mental health panel or not, but there was one part that hit me really hard and id love to know your thoughts on it! basically he was saying that often content creators, and people in general, are struggling with their mental health the most when it seems like they're thriving (uploading constantly, getting good grades, etc) but everyone thinks they're fine. which is literally my life rn but i can't take a break from overworking myself bc i need

[2] to get into college. do you have any advice abt how to provide for my future while still taking care of myself? also, i just want to thank you for running such a healthy and positive blog bc it has helped me thru some difficult times, and you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person!

hi dear! oh no :( I'm so sorry, that's such a hard position to be in - I havent been in school for a few years, and not in high school since 2012 yikes lmao, so I'm sure things have changed a bit but hopefully I can still give some advice that helps?

I'd say first and foremost, talk to a trusted adult you know in person about how you're feeling - whether that be a parent, older sibling, favorite teacher, advisor, etc. they may have advice more specific to your situation that might take into account details I dont know. and while this is my first piece of advice, it can also be the hardest? sometimes facing our demons and being honest about them with others who have only seen our "good side" can feel impossible, but it can be a crucial step to help build a support system that you can go to when you feel you're struggling

the next thing I'd say is, on a small scale, start taking time for yourself. I know that's like. the hardest thing to do when you have like 6hr of homework a night, minimum, plus clubs or sports or other activities that take time, but literally even sneaking five minutes between some bits of homework to do something that's calming and centering for you can make a difference - if you can grab five minutes to go sit in a space you feel comfortable, away from your work, to breathe and think about something other than your work, that can be helpful

the next one is sorta like. tangential, but take care of your body as well - you're still a growing and developing human, so this is ESPECIALLY important, but drinking lots of water (and not too many sugary drinks/chemical drinks) and eating veggies and getting enough protein can literally make such a big difference in your brains ability to function at it's best. the other important thing here is sleep - every body is different, so keep in mind what your body does best on and (when you can) aim for that. between hydration, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, you're laying a foundation that can help your brain be more successful throughout the day

I wish, ultimately, i had a perfect answer for the fucked up school system (esp in America which is what I'm most familiar with), but it honestly sets you up to fail. what (unintentionally) worked well for me was having a blow-off class or two - classes that were easy for me (like sign language, or French 1 after I'd already taken Spanish for several years) and could help boost my GPA without stressing me out as much. if you can find those classes- and definitely look for the ones that are easy for YOU, don't just ask around for the easiest classes - that can be a really nice break in your day and help relieve you of some after-school stress

here's another "honesty is the best policy" situation - if you find yourself struggling to understand a concept, or homework is taking you so much longer than some of your peers (or the teacher says theres only an hour of hw a night and you end up spending far longer on it) talk to the teacher! tell them you're struggling, and ask if you can get some help understanding a topic. be specific about what you dont understand (dont just go "I dont get it") and explain your thought process - this can help teachers understand where you're veering off the path and what you might be missing. and, more importantly, if you're coming in for help, they're more likely to be lenient with you because they know you're trying (yes I'm aware that was more a "school help in general" bit of advice but in case that's something you're struggling with)

now heres....maybe some controversial advice. take calculated risks. example: if a teacher has a policy where they drop your lowest homework grade in a class and you're doing alright in that class, but you have a day where you're saddled with WAY too much work for another class where you're struggling, it's okay to say "okay, today I need to go to sleep by 10pm, I can either finish this difficult homework or complete homework for the class that will drop a grade", sometimes it makes more sense to skip that one homework and get a zero to spend time dedicated to the class you're struggling in and get rest. in a similar vein, there is also a limit to studying - there is a point where you physically cannot absorb more knowledge. it is so much better for your brain - both from a focus and memory standpoint - to get a little extra sleep than to stay up late studying well past the point where you will retain knowledge.

now....again, I havent been applying to colleges in ages so my advice might be a bit stale, but colleges tend to look for good grades but also challenging classes, or improvement over time in classes, etc etc. they want to know you're working hard, and that you have diverse interests. college apps are a bit like resumes honestly, except you cant lie about your GPA. but like. you can fluff everything else. literally EVERYTHING becomes fair game with college apps. you can talk about fanfic or a fandom you're in if you phrase it the right way, like there are barely rules lmao. and you can make yourself sound very appealing

so my advice would be basically this: work hard, but learn your personal limits. figure out how much sleep a night makes you feel awake and focused the next day (again, it varies!) and aim for that as much as you can. try to eat nutritiously when you can, and drink lots of water. dedicate time to your homework and studying, but be sure to take regular breaks and ACTUALLY shift your brain away from your work during those breaks. and it's also good to dedicate time to life activities - like I said, colleges want to know you're a diverse person. spend time in clubs you like or playing sports if that's your thing, or do things unconnected to school. and remember, you can fluff that all up on a college app! but also remember - you have to live with you for the rest of your life, and there are so so many paths to a good job or a college education if that's what you decide you want, be sure to prioritize your health as much as you can. the education system tricks you into this never ending cycle of "if I just push through ___________ I'll get to ___________!" and taking that through your life can be really challenging and exhausting. I need to acknowledge that some of this is easy for me to say - I was a good test taker in high school, I went to college, and I bullshitted my way through (that's a whole other story lmao) but like. I need to acknowledge that, by some privilege and luck, I do have a college education. so when i say this next thing, please take it with a grain of salt, but there is more to life than chasing what society tells us to chase - there is family, there are friends, relationships, hobbies and interests and love and dreams and spending hours playing video games and SLEEP and getting sunburned cause you spent too long out under the sun photosynthesizing and collecting pens or shiny rocks and ANIMALS there is so so so much in life and I hate with such a burning passion that, for the first 22 years of our lives, we are told the ONLY thing in life is getting through college, getting a degree. again, I need to acknowledge that I say that with a background of privilege, and that education can help people get out of bad situations, etc, but there are many paths to education and they dont all require you to put life on hold to get there

let me tell u a story real quick, cause my education looks (from the outside) "easy" (turns out I had depression and eating disorders of all kinds yeehaw !!!!). my sister did NOT have an easy time in school - my parents could afford it, so she had a tutor for some of her challenging subjects, but she also dealt with anxiety and depression the entire time. she didnt get into the college she wanted to, but got put in a sort of program where, if she got good enough grades in some community college courses, she could get into the school. so she worked her ass off, dove even deeper into her mental health issues, but eventually did get in. and then she had challenging classes and didnt have a great support system, and she ended up failing out of many of her classes, to the point where she got put on academic probation. so she took a year off, got a job at a daycare, and I have literally never seen her happier or more well-adjusted. shes going back to school now, for early childhood education, and working part time at the daycare while she takes a light course load at school

another story for you - my aunt graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. she came from a dirt-poor family and couldn't afford it. she bounced around a bit, but eventually found company that she worked well with. they paid for her to go to school, and she finally got a degree many years after what we would consider "traditional". she had a few other jobs, but shes been at her current company now going on 20 years, has been through several promotions, and works directly with a c-suite employee. she is also the only woman in her office, a very traditional trucking company where she works with engineers on a daily basis

there are many paths to education, if that's where you want to go, and it's okay if it ends up looking different from the traditional path were told to follow. do what you can to avoid sacrificing your mental health for an education - if its what you want, you will get there. and remember to ask for help along the way!! I hope that helps a little, dear