#bc my semester starts in about 2/3 weeks and I wanna do as much as I can before I’m tied down lol

[studentbyday]

day 57-58 // 100dop

monday: so this week is an intro to organic reactions and i am SO glad that organic chem is a notoriously difficult subject so you have LOTS of explanations available online and in particular, i'm loving @thecrashcourse's organic chemistry series (really, crash course puts me in the mood to study when nothing else can XD), and just bc I don't get the book or prof's explanations doesn't mean the prof is bad or the book is bad or that i'm an idiot, sometimes we just need a different way of explaining for us to get it and that's completely fine. 🙂

tuesday: i must've gone insane bc i just signed myself up to take 4 courses this fall...how am i already feeling overwhelmed XD the most i've taken in a semester is 3 courses and that was tough, i couldn't do anything else except study - idk, maybe i've smartened up in terms of study skills since then and i can take this load and get A+ in all of them (can you tell how bad my perfectionism is? 😖😅 ...yet i'm hesitant to let it go entirely bc i could also just not try and then not learn much of anything and then what am i spending this money for, going to university????)???? i highly doubt that my study skills have improved much tho 😅😅😅😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 one of those courses is calculus and i have NOT touched that since high school and i barely remember precalc so aaaaahhhhhhhh - i'm hoping to get through some khan academy videos/questions on the topic before September (taking calculus was kind of a last minute decision 😑), starting with "getting ready for precalculus" (i finished a few practice quizzes on polynomials today) because their ACTUAL precalculus section looks scary and unfamiliar (nggghhh how am i gonna do thisss?). also really confused about complex numbers and imaginary numbers and i found a video on it by 3b1b, i'm still watching it (it's an hour and 22 mins long) and i looove how calm i feel when being guided through a specific topic that's confusing me instead of just...feeling overwhelmed by the complexity and the immense info dump in my university courses... finished 2 sections of chem notes, got 2 more left to do...1 of them is really big but i was able to read through the rest of the chapter today (thank God they're not going THAT deep with organic reactions, else i would go crazy) and i seem to understand it, so that shouldn't be TOO much of a problem (i just have to read and think slower than i'd like with these things...)

update: i just counted the max number of hours per day i would spend studying based on the recommended hours per week for each course... that's 10 hours of focused studying. i don't think i've ever focused 100% for that long???? (in the past, I've always gone over...and i think it's bc my focus starts waning pretty quickly but I never realize it until I've snapped back to reality and start really studying again 🙄 smh, i gotta do better than that if i don't wanna have to drop)

[easypeasylindyvesey]

sorry if you’ve answered this before, but what’s your college major?

you’re actually the first person to ask me this!

i’m in my third year of undergrad and i’m majoring in child study! essentially, it’s education where i get certified to teach grades K-6. i start student teaching full time in september and i’m excited! i just know that i’m gonna be hella exhausted. this is my last semester of fieldwork and i have 60 hours so far & i need 10 more, so of course with my luck i have to finish them up during next week, which is when finals are, but it’s okay bc i had over 100 hours last semester and i remember going about 4 days a week (2 days i went from 8-3 and it was so tiring).

i’ve legit always wanted to be a teacher. i loved going to school & learning about new things. i remember being so excited about starting kindergarten and talking nonstop when i got home and describing my day to my mom. i chose to focus on the younger grades because i feel that if you set the good habits earlier in their schooling years, they’ll more than likely remember them as they progress from one grade to the next (you’re talking to a 4th grade class spelling bee champion over here😌).

but if i decided to go to the older grades, my alternative major would’ve probably been english adolescent ed. however, older kids are a little more immature & don’t really seem to care as much? i know that some of them do, but they’re around the age where they feel rebellious and don’t exactly want to do their homework and stuff like that. i wouldn’t wanna relive high school, let alone teach it. middle school though? 7th grade? now that’s a different story. BEST YEAR EVER FR.

freshman year of high school was my absolute favorite, and then all the other years sucked LOL. you can blame covid for junior & senior year, and then you can blame a boy for sophomore year (and the tea is piping hot with him, but most of it was self-inflicted by me).

i’m also looking forward to having my own classroom and decorating it, even though i’m not much of a crafty girly. i will have to remember to put a minimal amount of rags decor up though LOL

[inkofamethyst]

October 1, 2022

Now that I’ve gone through round 1 (of 3!) of midterms (bio profs all share one braincell and they use it to torturously schedule midterms; my next set of three all occur the same week too (my anth midterms are pretty much just papers)) and I’ve gotten responses to my potential advisor inquiries (2/4 so far but I’m really hoping that goes up to 3/4 (at least) bc one of those people is someone I really really really want to work with (and the school is in a place I’d really really really love to live)) I feel FREE (also pro-tip uhm don’t send emails on Friday afternoons because no one wants to work then and there’s a good chance you won’t be answered).  I mean the semester is only going to get busier from here but I think I’m shaking off some of that initial paralysis.  Five weeks in and I’m getting my groove on (I am willfully ignoring the fellowship application due in two weeks,,,,, I think I’m going to have to change my topic too and ugh).  I mean I can do it (probably) but I don’t want to think about it on this lovely rainy saturday morning.

Next weekend (and the weekend after!) I get to go home and see the puppy and I am very excited.  She’s apparently getting to the point where she knows how to sit, but the tradeoff for this obedience is that she has entirely disregarded my mom’s rule about not putting her paws on back of the couch.  She, in fact, has begun sleeping on the raised part of the couch (on top of the part that you lean against), and honestly I can’t blame her because as a short queen myself I, too, enjoy sitting on that part of the couch against my mother’s wishes.  But!  Not only is she resting there, but she is jumping down to the floor from there.  This lil yorkie flings herself into the air like a cat for a fourish-foot freefall and it stumps the entire family.  My dad isn’t sure if the little daredevil will live to see her first birthday.  I think we should capitalize on this and get her into agility stuff.  But before that, I just wanna pet her again :)

I facetimed with an old friend of mine last night.  I’m talking we-became-fast-friends-in-second-grade old.  I’m talking we-shared-a-multifandom-instagram-account old.  I’m talking in-middle-school-we-would-write-stories-together old.  Our conversation spanned a dozen topics if not more, we just kind of pick up right where we left off.  It was good.

I’m gonna be so productive today I just feel so good.  It’s probably because I sent four professional emails yesterday and that always feels amazing.  Honestly I might do some mindless application work because I don’t want that to wait until the last minute.  Maybe I’ll make cookies.

Today I’m thankful that the honor society I’m in isn’t requiring me to go to these presentations which I’ve gone to for two years straight.  It’s not a huge waste of my time and they are helpful to an extent but they’re also annoying and I’d rather actively rest than attend.

Also spoopy season starts today!!!  I still don’t know what I want to be for Halloween but I have two weeks to make a plan so...

[oflgtfol]

so for context me and this guy went to the same college for undergrad together. we were in the astronomy club together. we didnt start talking until the last like two years of my time there? because my first two years were spent with me being a reclusive freak who couldnt make friends or speak to anyone, and then online meetings because of covid. it was just casual like oh hi we are in the same club together to then like him being one of the people i gravitated towards for small talk because i didnt know anyone wlse in the club but he was really outgoing and became a board member so it was still like. We’re friendly and will chat but we arent friends yknow!

he wound up graduating before me by like a year but he met up with us for an astro club trip during the fall semester of my senior year. he had mentioned he worked at [redacted place] and so i was like 👉👈 how do u get a job there. and he gave me his boss’s email and then lo and behold when i graduated i emailed him and got the job as well

Now additional context this guy is like, 30? i think somewhere around there. and so by now he’s worked here for years enough to where he actually has a full time job elsewhere and only comes in here once a week

and so yknow once i got hired i didnt work a shift with him till like months after i started so then it was like oh im working X shift i’ll finally get to catch up with him lol!! but nowadays im working much more consistent and nearly full time hours here so i overlap with him at least once a month and so i’d say after actually working with him like we’re real friends now not just friendly hi there clubmates lulz

so then last weekend, the day before i overlapped a shift wirh him, i was alone in the building and panicking cuz i needed something so i was in the company slack like Hi everyone. Do you know where this important object is. and this guy was the first one to respond and was the only one whose response was actually helpful. so then when i worked with him rhe following day he asked how that went and i was filling him in and he was like, wait how do i not have your number? cuz u could just text me instead of feeling embarrassed for going into the whole company slack asking for help. so yknow like we’re friends AND coworkers now so its like whatevers yeah lol lets swap numbers who cares

but im so used to like, when swapping numbers w coworkers, to pretty much only talk about work stuff until we get more comfy talking outside work, and then occassionally move into brief casual conversations. so imagine my surprise when he just comes right out the bat swinging w the casual conversations. and its like yeah ok like we have years long history prior to working together as coworkers but its also like, i feel like we only actually became legit friends after working together??? so like idk there is still the coworkerly aspect to it that i cant shake

And so i start my joking along bc yeah whayever im not gonna make it weird but then like. i am an atrocious texter. i can and will take days to respond if not entire weeks. but yknow i have to work with this guy so i dont wanna leave him hanging and make things weird so after like 2-3 days i make sure to respond but then still leave things sparse, mostly because i was busy as fuck this week

so today he texts me while im on my break. the daily break schedules are posted publicly basically for anyone in our department to see regardless of if theyre actively working at the momsnt. so he texts me maybe 5 mins into my break and im like oh man is this a coincidence or not. and his text was like “why dont you stay late today so we can work a full shift together. no reason. just to hang out haha” LIKE HUH?? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???? and thats what prompted me to make that hmmmm post earlier today. like its not weird enough for my hackles to rise but its also like. Im baffled? im gobsmacked?

so im like man he can see im on my break i have no excuse to not text to finally i respond again and im like lol sorry i cant im so tired ive been working a lot this week (A. ive been looking forward to finishing malevolent s4 tonight all week long and i cannot do that if im working a surprise 14 hour shift. B. i am genuinely so tired and i really just need a nice night in. it was indeed a long week and C. it is a casual hint that like hi im not like purposefully ignoring you i just suck at texting because im so incredibly busy all the time)

AND HIS RESPONSE IS “AWW YEAH YOU WORK A LOT 🥺” LIKE. HUH ?!?! HUH ⁉️⁉️ Im even MORE baffled, even MORE gobsmacked than i was before. why are you a 30 year old man using 🥺 ????? and he says “no worries, our shifts still overlap so i’ll see you tonight” LIKE YEAH I KNOW ALREADY. I ACTUALLY LOOK AT THE SCHEDULE (he also has famously announced he never looks at the schedule because he always works the same singular shift every week - why is he looking at the schedule suddenly ????) HUH? HUH??? HUH?

like i really feel like im overthinking this and he’s just being friendly and potentially we have different ideas of what exactly our friendship entails and so i do not want to be like hey hi yeah we were classmates and all and you were one of the few friendly faces to me back when i was struggling to make any friends at all, and i do not want to insult those years by implying that like we arent actually friends enough to joke around and tex outside work related stuff, but also like. I am someone who requires either a decade of talking to someone daily, or like a trauma filled blood pact, to become actual friends with. so like yeah i would in fact call our friendliness in college something akin to friends but theres a difference between friends and Friends(TM) yknow? so im just left feeling absolutely fucking baffled by all this. Im baffled. bewildered even

[itsjaywalkers]

omg laurie hi i just saw my tag i love it sm😭😭 (im insane commute nonnie btw)

also, bc i like explaining this, the reason for my two hour commute to class is that im Very Stupid. so what happened is that i did a little two month long internship start of last semester. the office was literally in a whole other town but i didn't have many classes so i decided to just get an apartment in that town and travel for my two-three classes per week. and that was ok. but then the internship came to an end and i found out (get ready for this) i accidentally signed a seven month lease!! idk what even happened but it's not hard to believe that my landlord told me this and i just had my head in the clouds. but anyway i was like ok cool i'll just pay the fine n move out but my best friend said that i should just do the commute this whole semester and get a job at some office again next semester (we're only allowed one internship per sem) and i was like 'ok😝 i'll do that😝😝 with no prior knowledge of my schedule for next semester🤪 im so goofy aha' and then i spent the next two month doing that (which was fun tbh. i didn't have many classes and i used the commute to not have thoughts) but then BAM this sem starts and i don't have the time for interships bc of my schedule!! however. i already lived here for like 4 months now. its like 3 more months. do i really want to just Give Up and let all the time i wasted be for nothing AND give my landlord money??? i dont Think so. which is why. out of sheer stubbornness i take two hour routes to classes 5 days a week

anyways sorry for all the yapping i just think its so funny!! (i live in delusion) but also nothing happens!! ive been thinking about that all the time. im telling you its occupied so many of my thoughts i'd sign another 7 month lease thinking about nothing happens jeggy they're my love<3 i've been talking abt them sm last week a friend gave me her jacket to sit on (was wearing white) and i said "you know who'd do this" n she said "please don't start again"

again sorry for the length of this but also have a great week!!! praying for nothing happens jeggy and the ppl they're torturing (sirius) by being themselves!!! <3

hi darling!! i'm so happy to be hearing from u <3 and i'm glad u like ur silly lil tag hehe u earned it!!

this story is . so very insane to me but at the same time i can't even judge u bc i'd also choose to endure 2 hour long commutes out of sheer stubborness BUT ALSO bc i'd refuse to pay a fine. i made a mistake with the lease and i'm dealing with the consequences but i'm not . wasting any more money . still i'm so sorry u gotta deal with this for 3 more months, just thinking about how much time u must lose on public transport every week is making me wanna cry. ur so very brave babe i swear. at least it's only temporary, and once this semester is over you'll be able to move out and hopefully get a place a lot closer to ur classes so u can chill a little. honestly this feels like something that'd happen to me so u have all my support and appreciation UR DOING GREAT DARLING!!!

don't apologise!! it was very fun to read indeed and i love getting these updates on ur life + ur crazy commutes. and i've been thinking about them A Lot too, both them and oby jeggy have been occupying all of my mental space and i swear they're all driving me insane. AND LISTEN james would. for reg he so would. sorry to ur friend bc she sounds very done but i'm on ur side always and that's definitely very nothing happens james coded!!! IT HAD TO BE SAID!!!

STOP APOLOGISING BABE U AND UR ASKS ARE SUPER LOVELY thank u very much and i'm also wishing u a great week!! u deserve it!! and i'm also praying for all of them bc . they're gonna need it lmao

[toffeespaceship]

ENTRY: 004

1st week in college

お久しぶりね！！

i’ve started my college for almost 2 weeks now, and so far it’s good. i am very happy with the facilities around here, and i am grateful that my dorm is so near to most of my classes. 

i gotta admit, i’m kinda sad that i’m pursuing my pre-u in matriculation college, because i was offered into 2 years programme in Life Science. keep in my mind that here, most of the people will get 1 year programme. so i feel a bit dumb bcs people tend to look down on SES (4 semester system) students. 

but on the bright side, SES’s schedule are less packed than SDS (2 semester system), and we learn the back to basics on our 1st year.

sometimes i’d like to think that God is giving me another chance to fix my mistake during SPM years, bcs i srsly do not cover up some of the basics during SPM. 

as a life science student, we’re studying Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Biology. for the 1st semester it is compulsory for all of us to take English as extra subject bcs during our 3rd semester (2nd year) we will be taking MUET (Malaysian University English Test) 

at my college, we need to be active in our co-curricular activities as it will contribute 10% in our finals exam, and that very marks will be needed in order to apply for university level. 

there are a lot of clubs and organisations that u can join in order to gain your co-curricular marks. currently i am my female class representative and i am looking foward to join much more activities! 

i’m not an active person so i am aiming for positions like secretary bcs i have 2 to 3 experience as a secretary during my high school year and i love managing stuff! and who knows if i’m lucky enough to be a sports team manager right? :)) 

so far, physics is the scariest bcss on the first day, she told us to stand up and name all of the derived quantities, AND I FORGOT! i didn’t even get the chance to name any bcs others alr took the opportunity. IT WAS SO EMBARASSING T-T 

she’s scary, i don’t really like her class honestly

biology. my biology teacher is a very detailed person, and i like her for that. she alr provide all of the materials for us, all we need to do is follow her instructions and study well. that’s all i can tell about her for now

chemistry. this is my 1st time getting a male teacher for chemistry. he likes to crack some jokes and he explain the concept using the terms that we all can understand :)) but i cannot fully say that i like his way of teaching YET. bcs i wanna see how he deliver the complicated topics to us. 

maths. surprisingly, I AM LOVING MATHS HERE! i like this teacher bcs she teaches us with full and detailed explanation as to why this number turn into the other stuff :)) she gave us lots of hw too but i don’t mind that bcs i do be needing lots of exercises T-T

uhh so far that’s all for now…

this is personal, but i am actually very lonely here :(( idk why, i just don’t feel connected to people around here. it’s so lonely but (sigh) i don’t care i guess…..

anyways, i’m planning to hit the library tomorrow to check on some of the reference book and consider if i should buy them or not :))

またね！！

[crybaby-bkg]

I hateeeee hate hate hate it when I write a one shot and finish it on a certain note bc I don’t plan on nor desire to expand it or write more…….and then someone……..comments a brilliant fucking idea that could turn into another part and it’s SO FUCKING good that I literally have to write another part or else I’ll die -_-

[rinstars]

hey is everything alright??? you kinds disappeared on us. hope everything’s okay

hiiii everyone! everything's fine. now. at the very least, everything is starting to be okay. i'm sorry i disappeared for a while without saying anything or giving u guys updates about why and if i was ever coming back. there's probably a lot of questions you guys have so ill just break it down in a single post, making it easier for u guys to find what you wanna know.

1. what happened and where were u?

thing is, the last time i was here i mentioned something about being sick and that was originally the only time i needed off. i was just waiting to get better and it wasn't supposed to stretch into a month. however, a very unfortunate incident happened where i had to be hospitalized and monitored as i sustained an injury to my already very weak knee. growing up, my right knee has always been very prone to dislocation but it wasnt too serious to the point that i could still join cheerleading and excel in it. it wasnt until i was doing a dance required for one of my classes and my knees knocked and snapped that i fell so hard crying when i realized this time it was.. bad. i had a surgery that wasn't anything too crazy and got put in a cast until i was fully recovered bc simply popping it back to place like they always did stopped working. that, too, was fine. but finding out i'd have to take it easy on dancing and possibly cut off anything that has to do with the hardcore dancing i was used to for the rest of my life to make sure it wouldn't get any worse than it already was literally depressed me and put me in a slump and i just didn't want to answer anyone and tell people all about it yet. especially not on tumblr where i know people were waiting for something ive promised to finish. i was just very out of it and wasn't sure if i was even in the right mindset to ever continue being here at the time. so there's that but now that im able to tell u all about it, it means it's gotten a lot better and u dont have to worry about my knee bc it's healing fine :") im very thankful for all the messages and i read and appreciated all of them. im sorry it took me so long to respond.

2. what's gonna happen to cfm?

the very short answer to this is im not abandoning it and will continue writing the remaining 3 parts! dont worry! you can rest easy. however, ill take this in my own pace. ill work hard to post it in 2 weeks time but it's not a promise and i'm still wrapping my head around my whole knee thing and the start of my semester. but i love the series and it means a lot to me. i want to see it finished probably more than any of u do that's why you can count on the ending that will surely come. i know ive gone so long without updating and idek if any of u will still be reading it when i post it in a few weeks! but it's a risk im willing to take because we're so close to the end! and i am so excited for all of u to see how suna and yn end up living after where i left act x on hehehe

3. im not leaving and im sorry

i feel really horrible leaving u all in the dark for like more than a month now i think. that was a dick move. if an author i follow suddenly disappeared after what happened in act x i wouldve been mad and worried too so im really sorry. i didn't want to ignore any of u. i was just in a place where i didn't feel like moving. thank u to everyone who has been very understanding with me despite not knowing what was happening. to my friends on discord that i wasn't replying to, to all my followers and readers, to everyone who reached out to my friends hoping to know if im doing well, thank u sooo much and i love and appreciate u all so much.

im sorry this got so long but i hope i answered everything! if i missed anything, please just send me more asks, ill be happy to answer them hehe. love u!

[tahdashi]

💌 lil announcement !!

hi bffs ! you guys probably got the feeling that the semester has started for me, and it’s only been a couple days, but i’m already quite stressed :,) as fun as it is to come on here and complain about school, i think i need to deal w my mental health and stress in a better way.

it’s been really draining for me to come on here and answer asks, post, and work on my drafts. i really don’t wanna leave you guys hanging w the unfinished ask game and event, so i’ll still work on those, but i’m gonna be taking a lil break from tumblr until i get my life together and my mental health to a better place. tumblr’s a fun place for me, and i really do love this blog to pieces, but i don’t like being on here when it feels like a chore. sooooo gimme a couple weeks (i wanna say 2 weeks?) to pull myself together and i’ll be back to fill your ears about keiji my beloved <3 (tbh i’ll still come here and spy on my moots bc you guys are mine to check up on)

moots !!! feel free to ask for my discord i’m annoying and never shut up ab my life so if that sounds fun to you, lmk!!

tldr: sayu’s taking a little break! don’t forget her or miss her too much. i’ll take care of her and give her all the smooches she deserves. — keiji :-)

[prettyboykatsuki]

basically,,,how do you deal w executive function? Especially since you’re unmedicated? Just like…how do you prioritize ur time like “ok now I’m gonna do this, then this, etc”…how do you push yourself to get started on an assignment and if you have, power through the whole thing without getting distracted? Im medicated but I still struggle to hell and back to do any work at all and barely hand in assignments, let alone on time. I’ve gone whole semesters without submitting or participating in a single thing and failing classes bc of this, and almost got kicked out of uni bc my gpa was so low but, I’ve gotten As at the same exact time so it’s not like I’m bad at this? ik I can do the work well, it’s just impossible to force myself sometimes, and I’m trying to get help and deal w it so it doesn’t keep happening but it’s EXHAUSTING and i feel like the mental effort put in vs the outcome just isn’t..productive at all. I just end up daydreaming endlessly and nothing happens 😭 do you have any tips/routines/methods that help you?

okay!! so. i actually have advice for this and it might not be what u wanna hear but this has changed my life and it's what i tell other people all the time. the number one thing for me?

do not go against your nature because you will lose.

i mean this. read it once, and then again, and keep reading it until its plastered in your brain. im gonna bet since you have adhd, you probably deal with severe feelings of failure and have tried tirelessly to become the perfect and productive person. i can guarantee it.

but you have got to stop going against the fundamentals of who you are as a person by trying to do things the way neurotypical people do them. you are not like them and you won't ever be and that's okay!! but do not try to fight yourself on things you simply cannot do. it's okay. nothing is wrong with doing things differently

i compare myself to a little pet all the time. my brain needs enrichment to function and survive. work with your needs instead of trying to work around them and cut yourself some slack somedays.

ill give u a tldr bc u u might not wanna read all of this LOL. here's what i do that i highly reccomend if u can't be bothered to read the whole post (i get it lmao)

a. change your environment. i go on campus 3 days a week, 3 hours a day - about 9 hours total. top floor, dead silent library.

a.1. noise cancelling headphones changed my life.

b. have every single thing in you need to do right infront of your face. buy post it notes and stick to them to the thing you look at most. as soon as you get an assignment, make it an alarm on your phone. repeat it everyday.

it needs to stress you out a little. creating a sense of urgency matters.

c. no idea about your medication but i drink a lot of caffiene. about 240mg for the three days im on campus + brown noise (NO MUSIC FOR ME) unless im doing something that doesn't require me to think like math

d. force yourself to make a game out of things. it helps.

i need caffeine to focus bc im unmedicated and ill probably need it after im medicated. it happens

now here is the more indepth advice

1. your work will not always reflect how much effort you put in. get comfortable with this and understand it has nothing to do with you. people with adhd do not feel rewarded by completing tasks the way NT people do and you have to understand that you will not garner satisfaction. treat your responsibilities like standing your phone up for a photo - it's fucking annoying to keep doing, but doing it will give you the best results.

2. it is 100% neccesary to trick your brain into doing something. force yourself to make it interesting if you can. instead of trying to study for a test, figure out the best way to cheat. why? because you'll inadvertently learn the content when finding out how. need to read something for a class discussion? read in a fucked up voice or accent that you do when you repeat shit to yourself. make a rap out of it. have an essay that needs to get written? use an ugly font to write the rough draft, and only let yourself use the nice font after you hit a word count. your brain needs dopamine and to produce dopamine you need to make shit interesting.

i use the forest app when im struggling. i get to plant a tree if i focus the whole time in deep focus mode and i feel guilty if a tree dies. it's not stupid if it works. sometimes that doesn't work and that's okay.

3. doing a little is always better than doing nothing. never, ever let your brain give up on something because it's a surefire way to not doing anything at all. if the hardest part is starting, don't try to sit down and force yourself to start. set a 5 minute timer and push through for 5 minutes and take a break for 5 or 10. doing it again and again until you can't anymore. eventually you'll either fall into hyperfocus and get work done or you won't. do something else productive and try to build momentum if you can. forgive yourself if you can't do anything. some days it's not in the cards for you to be productive and that's okay too.

4. this last one, use with limits because hyperfocus is so real but - you have adhd, which means you lose interest in things quickly, which means if there is something you're burning to do - just do it. you losing interest in thing means it's better to get that burning desire out of the way first. if you want to play halo for 2 hours, do it. you don't need to earn it. do it and when you get bored of that, whenever that is, go try and do your work.

generally speaking, cut yourself some slack. adhd is fucking miserable and hard. don't beat yourself too much and remember that you are putting in effort even when you feel like there's nothing to show.

i love u! i hope this helps.

[hematomes]

blinks what do u mean

one of the classes has a guest speaker and we haven’t had one before (will have many more after this) and im not sure how the prof wants it to work, like mostly lecture or mostly discussion so. dread for no apparent reason LMAOO

CRIES FOUR HOURS?? NO BAD NO 🔪🔪🔪

whacks ur dysphoria w a rolled up newspaper but also. what are you cooking 👁 and im glad ur doin ok even tho ur brain is deciding to bitch at u

i am tired and for some reason anxious, cannot figure out source of anxiety, maybe it’s just one of those days, also i. like i wasn’t homesick last semester too much but i just wanna go home,, i have another 7 weeks sobs i wanna leave??? other than that tho i am doing p ok, I STARTED JJK AGAIN AND IM AJSJDJSJADJDJDJDJJ <33333 and hmm oh i am now writing a formal essay about sex for my modern lit class? it’s extremely weird just like. dissecting a bunch of sex scenes. but hey it’s interesting and it lets me talk abt what i wanna talk abt more than the other prompts so

you wake up too early /lh

oof yeah i can understand it's always stressful when you don't know if you're gonna have to listen or talk sjnds

IT'S FINE IM GONNA WORK ON AN ASSIGNMENT bc we're just doing presentations for the first 2 hours

sdkjnds thank you sweets..... im gonna make pastas :D w bacon and cream hhhh and a shit ton of shredded cheese

aaaa yes these days. exist. hope you find the source and figure it out :( NOOO NOT HOMESICKNESS </3 you can make it okay it'll pass more quickly than you think i just know it

!!!!!!!! JJK AAAA i have to re-finish the 1st season... and wait for the movie to dl it.... and also catch up with the manga bc im a few chapters behind

HELP i. imagine it's weird yeah. but if you find it interesting that's cool!!!!

[gracefulweather]

omg you did?? u have to tell me who u pull when it arrives !!

time does fly 😭 i really can't believe 2021 is almost over

tysm ! i hope you're doing well too !! ☺ yess i'm trying to find time to work on the new au haha and i keep changing the damn plot 😭 omg 😳🥺 the ateez smau, i haven't officially made a decision yet, but i think when the semester is over i'll upload the rest of what i have...and go from there ! also ty for reading 🥺

also ! i have seen 2 people fall off of their skateboards on campus and i think of ur sunwoo fic every single time i do haha

oh ! that site does work ! i'll definitely read it now when i get the chance ! that would probably be best, esp bc we dont get s2 until next december 🥲

arisa is so interesting, i love it ! like every single chapter is so amazing and mysterious akfhslfja

i wanna watch us now 👀

you stayed up?? :O i agree, they are releasing so much its so hard to keep up with, i wanna watch dnd and timeout ! esp w the new maverick series ! but i also hate how a lot of the content is only on universe :(

being a multi is so difficult 😭 i barely watch mvs in a timely matter anymore :")

halloween was fun and movies are always a good time !

exactly ! the details of their performances are insane ! yes yes yes to all ur favs ! all of the groups outdid themselves truly 😌 year end awards...im nervous 😳

ur right, the storybook ver is so cute 🥺 i loved all 3 songs too ! and i agree, the mv was good but i think they could've added more story or something

THE LITTLE BAD RAP SUPREMACY 😭😭 it is so addictive

omg yes 🥲 the stylists have been going tf off this era and i am living for it

yesss i'm so excited omg should be here sometime this week i think!! (i hope...) but did yours arrive yet?

oooh what is the plot about 👀 have only gathered that it'll be dark... and sad... with evil characters LOOL. and yes i love ur ateez smau 🥺 i sometimes find it hard to get into smaus in general but the mystery has me hooked for that one <3 oh yeah speaking of ateez, thoughts on the world tour? i'm still holding onto my 2020 tickets rn but likeeee the thought of being in such a large crowd still sounds risky to me 😭

FALLING OFF SKATEBOARDS ADKJDKJF omg every time i get random bruises i think of it :')

oooh yeah heard that they haven't even started filming borderland s2 yet 😭 oh did you watch hellbound? it's so popular rn but i didn't think it was thaaat good.... deffs a cool concept tho. but YEAHHH i wanna start arisa soon!!

was dnd the one on universe? the app actually sucks :(( i know some fanbases have been subbing/uploading it elsewhere but it seems like the vids keep getting taken down 😭 the new maverick series is so cool omg i love all the brain twisters and puzzles they do!! really hope IST decides to keep putting eng subs on their videos 😔

ahh the multi life :') how do you decide which group/member to write for?? it's hard enough choosing amongst even just one group LOL

omg i heard one of the members say that they're gonna do one of the rtk/kingdom performances at the fancon??? i'm still hoping for drink it at least once... somewhere :') and yeahh i thought the mv would be a whole storyline like golcha's mvs these days but it's nice that we got to see some acting!!

but yeahHH maverick era ended so fast </3 do you ever feel like the promo periods are too short though? i remember back in the day everyone would promote on music shows for at least a month, but i guess they're preparing end of year stuff already :')

[dearmrsawyer]

I’m back to work tomorrow so i’ve started mentally preparing, and looking ahead with more intention. I’ve really enjoyed this holiday! Mentally i do feel recharged, and like i’ve used this time wisely in terms of building habits etc. I’ve spent the last couple of days starting to look ahead with intention, and think about what i want.

Our first semester is still online, so the first 6 months (at least) will be very similar to last year. I feel like i’m going to come into this semester with an understanding of how the year will play out, unlike last year when there was no chance to take a breath! I know the systems i need in place to make the library function at its best, and i’ve had time to think through some proposals for improvement. E.g. i’d really like to open the library to students one day a week with conditions like mandated masks and a time limit on visits. I have no authority over whether we could do that, but i’d like to suggest it/have the discussion! 

Now that i have a year’s experience of working from home/all our classes being online, i’m not really interested in setting a bunch of work goals. I think our circumstances fluctuate too easily, and the reality is that i’ll do whatever i need to do to make sure things get done. I don’t wanna say ‘i’m setting a hard line of no evening/weekend work’ because honestly, i might need to! There are parts of this that are out of my control, for example if a lecturer’s powerpoint slides need to be made available before class starts on a Monday, but they don’t finish them until Saturday afternoon, i simply can’t control that. No matter the parameters/timelines we put in place last year, it didn’t work, so i might need to spend a Saturday evening preparing content for Monday. Who knows! It can’t be helped! Last year i spent a lot of time balancing out my work hours and taking time off when i believed i needed to, even if it was technically during my scheduled work hours, so i can do that again. Whatever! This is a weird time, things aren’t going to be neat and tidy and i have accepted that reality!

One work-related goal i would like to make is going for lunch time walks to break up my day. I did that sporadically last year, weather permitting, and it was so so good for me. I was able to go get some movement after sititng at my desk for a couple of hours, and i also came back mentally refreshed for the last few hours. So that’s my one goal! 

I set a Goodreads goal of reading 12 books this year. I’d like it to be more but let’s just start small LOL. I read like one book last year rip, and maybe like 3 or 4 fics, like i just did not read last year bc i didn’t have any mental energy to spare. And i have no regrets, any practices that felt through last year, i am a-ok with bc god weren’t we all dealing with enough! But i don’t want to go another year like that, so we’re getting a goal! I’ve already read a couple of fics this month and i’m halfway through a book, so its going well \o/

I’ve managed to write every day for the past week :) Just a few hundred words a day, which is great! I’ve been writing on paper, and i think i am going to continue doing that. I realised last year that my recreational time was really disrupted by the fact that my personal laptop had become a work laptop, so whenever i sat down to do something recreational, i felt like i couldn’t focus/summon the creativity/break my mindset. That’s going to continue for at least 6 more months, so i’d like to keep as much of my recreational activities separate from my laptop as i can. I’m going to keep writing on paper and i’ll probably spent more time on tumblr/reading fic on my phone. I think that’ll help. 

The Big thing this year is that we need to move. My brother and i really want to move bc we’re sick to death of our house lol, and my grandparents really need to move bc a) their house is so painfully impractically for 2 seniors, and b) my mum has become a part time carer for them, and it would really help her to have a commute shorter than 20 minutes between her place and theirs. So we’re trying to find a house where my brother and i, and our grandparents, can live in a house together closer to town. We’ve already been working at this for a few months so really we’re poised to move as soon as we can. Could be in a month, could be in 4, who knows, all depends on when we can find a place!

[kimjoongs]

—ateez college au series [psh]

so seonghwa is a nursing major bc why not and no this isnt bc im also a nursing major or maybe it is idk shh

he wanted to become a nurse bc his mom was one, and he saw how much she adored her job

plus seonghwa is a self-less and caring person, so this was the perfect choice for him

he lives in an apartment on campus with his roommate hongjoong and it’s both a blessing and a curse

it was a blessing because his and hongjoong’s personalities matched very well, so they rarely had arguments

but it was also a curse bc joong was a music production major so he’d be producing music in his room, which normally wasn’t a problem, but on nights where seonghwa was studying for his exams, hongjoong would be in the room next door blasting music

usually all seonghwa had to do was knock on his door and ask him to keep it down, but there were nights where he would just pack up his stuff and study at the campus library instead

he often stayed for about 3-4 hours or more if he had an exam the next day

hwa really liked anatomy and phys but absolutely despised chemistry

“what the hell is the difference between polar and nonpolar? wait, why does this lewis structure only have 2 bonds? shouldn’t it have 3? ah shit i forgot an electron–”

sometimes hongjoong would come out of his room to get a glass of water only to find hwa asleep at the kitchen table with a copy of the periodic table on his head

he loves getting to wear his scrubs on lab day bc 1) scrubs are super comfortable and 2) it gets him excited thinking about the future

he also started volunteering at the nursing college in the labs

he’d help the lab ops set up the labs, refill the fluids, repack the medication, or clean up the simulation rooms

this also gave him the opportunity to get to know his future professors, and he would never admit it, but whilst he was volunteering, he would admire the older nursing students wearing the official university scrubs

it made him that much more determined to get into nursing school

during his first semester his second year, he had less of a workload compared to his first year, so he had more free time and was able to go out more

one day hongjoong asked seonghwa if he wanted to hang out with a few of his friends, and he said yes

so the two of them went out to this nearby boba cafe where hongjoong’s friends mingi, san, and wooyoung were waiting for him

you were there as well, tagging along as a mutual friend of san’s, and he introduced you to the two them

“hey hongjoong, seonghwa, this is my friend y/n! i hope it’s cool if they come along. i needed to drag them out of their room or else they’d be studying for hours on end,” san teased, knocking your head lightly w his fist

you stuck your tongue out at him then turned to shake hongjoong’s and seonghwa’s hands

when you made eye contact with the latter, his face lit up with recognition “oh wait, y/n? you’re in my pathophysiology class right?”

“oh yeah, i sit right behind you. nice to meet you, seonghwa!” you flashed him a smile, and he smile back

after everyone introduced themselves, you all found a table and ordered your drinks

mingi, san, and seonghwa sat on one side of the booth whilst you, wooyoung, and hongjoong sat on the other

you were quite surprised, and quite relieved, at how well you were fitting in and getting along with hongjoong and seonghwa…especially seonghwa

during the time that you all were together, seonghwa found out that you were a nursing major too and the two of you launched into a full blown discussion about it, unaware of the looks the others were giving you both

hongjoong had a faint smile on his face, mingi was chuckling and shaking his head, and san and wooyoung were giving each other knowing smirks

at the end of the night, seonghwa had asked you for your number in case yall wanted to study tgt, and you happily obliged

then you all said your farewells and went your separate ways

a few days pass and you don’t hear from seonghwa, which was quite understandable considering the fact that it was midterm season and you were both busy

but you were also kind of looking forward to study with him, he seemed really smart and self-disciplined which was exactly the type of study buddy you needed

but another couple days pass and lo and behold you receive a text from the one and only park seonghwa that reads: hey you wanna study tgt for the patho exam at the library today?

ofc you said yes and half an hr later, you found yourself at the library sitting right across from seonghwa

the two of you had your laptops, notebooks, and handouts spread all over the tables and were completely in the zone

after an hr or two of straight studying, you suggested taking a small break and that’s where the two of you got to talking abt nursing and why you both chose to major in it

“well my mom’s a nurse, and when i was younger she would always talk about how much she loved her job. she’s super hardworking and cares about her patients, and that’s how i want to be someday. plus as a nurse, if i could just make someone’s day just a little bit better, then that’s all that matters to me.”

needless to say, you were captivated by the raw passion and love seonghwa had for his future career, and you couldn’t help but admire him for it

after your short break, the two of you went back to studying, but this time yall would often make eye contact and send each other encouraging smiles

you found yourself slowly becoming more comfortable with seonghwa as the time passed by

and after that, the two you started having more and more study sessions, growing closer and closer

whenever an exam or quiz was coming up, you two would always be found studying tgt whether it was at his apartment or the library

and that’s when the hesi exam came in

the amount of time you guys spent studying for regular exams was nothing compared to the amount of time yall spent studying for the hesi

on the day of, you and hwa were practically freaking out

“oh my god y/n i’m so scared. what if i forget how to do the conversions? what if i forget everything i learned in anatomy? what if i forget basic grammar–”

“hwa shut up you’re making me nervous!”

basically yall are a wreck from the beginning of the exam all the way to the end, and once yall walk out of that testing room you almost collapse

anyways fast forward a few weeks later it’s almost the end of the semester and also around the time where you would be receiving your letter saying whether or not you were accepted into the program

it was a friday night and the entire gang was at your apartment having a movie night

you were looking thru your emails when you stumbled upon one from your university, and when you saw what the subject was you screamed, scaring the living daylights out of mingi who was sitting next you

“y/n what the hell–” “guys, guys my nursing school letter came in oh my god, oh my god!”

the entire room went silent for a millisecond before san let out a shriek and soon everyone was crowding around you

hongjoong gripped seonghwa’s shoulder “did you get yours yet?”

the latter’s eyes widened in realization and he also whipped out his phone, letting out a choked gasp when he saw the same email “mine came in too!”

at this point all of yall were freaking the hell out, and you and seonghwa somehow found each other’s hands and held them tightly tgt

“okay, okay, okay!” you reposition yourself on the couch so you were facing your fellow nursing major “on the count of three we open it at the same time, yeah?” all seonghwa did was nod

“alright, one…two…three!” everyone held their breath and it seemed like an eternity had passed…and then you and seonghwa jumped up from the couch

“i got in!” you yelled at the same time, which caused the others to belt out the loudest cheers you’ve ever heard

overwhelmed with excitement and pride, you threw yourself onto seonghwa and gave him the tightest hug, and he wrapped his arms around your waist, gently lifting you off the ground

when you guys separated, both your eyes widened at the lack of space btwn the two of you, and you immediately jumped away from each other

“um,” you cleared your throat “i’m…i’m really proud of you, hwa.” he gave you the softest of smiles, one that made your heart race even more than it was right now

“i’m proud of you too, y/n.”

aaaand fast forward again to the beginning of the next semester! you and seonghwa were officially in the clinical portion of the nursing program which meant you two were now able to wear the university’s official nursing scrubs seonghwa probably cried a little when he first tried his on

and since yall were in the program tgt, you saw each other more frequently, even more compared to the previous semester

which certainly didnt help alleviate the strong emotions you were feeling ever since the two of you shared that small, intimate moment just a couple months prior

before you didnt use to feel anything when you hung out with seonghwa, but now just thinking abt him was enough to get you all giddy and nervous at the same time

it had reached a point where you couldnt take it anymore, so you decided to seek help from the one person who knew seonghwa best: his best friend and roommate, hongjoong

when you met up with him and poured out what it was you were feeling, hongjoong sent you a fond, knowing smile “y/n…you like him. romantically, i mean.” 

you gaped “i…what?”

“you, y/n, have romantic feelings for my best friend, seonghwa.”

“i..i like him? i don’t…i don’t have–” you froze upon seeing the way hongjoong raised his eyebrows at you

“i…i like…i like seonghwa,” you finally breathed out. hongjoong’s gaze softened and he chuckled “took you long enough…now if only seonghwa could stop being a coward and just ask you out already,” he mumbled the second part under his breath

not knowing what to do with the information you had just uncovered abt yourself, you thought it’d a good idea (read: it was the stupidest idea) to distance yourself from seonghwa for a bit, just long enough for you to process the thoughts racing thru your mind

you were unaware, however, of how you distancing yourself might look like from seonghwa’s pov

he’s noticed you not hanging out with him as much anymore outside of class, and during class whenever he’d try to talk to you, you’d just scurry over to the other side of the room

he started getting worried and, ironically, he went to hongjoong for advice

upon hearing what’s been going on, hongjoong sighed loudly and slammed his hands down on the counter

“okay, initially i wasn’t going to say anything because i wanted the two of you to find out on your own, but obviously that isn’t going to happen so i’m just going to say it. y/n’s avoiding you because they realized they’ve fallen head over heels in love with you and don’t know how to react. so hwa, please be a nice guy and help them figure it out if you catch my drift.”

at that, hongjoong walked out and into his room, leaving an open-mouthed seonghwa frozen in the kitchen, he was at a loss for words

he knew hongjoong knew abt his feelings for you, but he didn’t think you’d feel the same

after contemplating whether or not what he was abt to do was a good idea or not, seonghwa simply said “screw it” and dashed out the door, heading straight for your apartment

once he arrived, he knocked rapidly on your front door

you had barely opened the door when seonghwa practically slid right in

“seonghwa? what are you doing he–”

“y/n, i’m sorry for just barging in but i need to ask you something really important and i want you to be completely honest.”

you gasped softly at the way he was looking at you, it was so intense and so serious you’ve never seen him like that before

“uh, okay? what’s going on?” you asked nervously

“do you have feelings for me?”

you choked “w-what?!”

“i talked to hongjoong and asked him for advice bc you’ve been avoiding me the past few days, and he said it’s bc you like me. is that true?”

you didn’t know what to say, the familiar warm feeling in your stomach came back and you found it difficult to maintain eye contact with seonghwa

a few seconds of silence passed, and you could see seonghwa’s serious gaze slowly start to crumble and all of a sudden you panicked

“yes! y-yes…it’s true. i do have feelings for you,” your voice trailed off at the end, but you knew he heard you when he saw him stiffen up

he let out a shaky breath “how long?”

“huh?”

“how long have you liked me, y/n?” he asked more firmly

“u-um, i’m not sure? i honestly didn’t start noticing i felt like this until about two months ago when we found we got accepted. although, the more i think about it, i’ve been attracted to you since our first study session together. the way you talked so passionately about your future and how dedicated you were into making it come true made me feel something, and what you said was really inspiring to me and i just–”

your sentence was interrupted by a pair of lips connecting with your own, and it took a second for you to realize that…seonghwa was kissing you

oh my god…oh my god seonghwa was kissing you

once you finally registered what was happening, he pulled away from you, eyes wide and cheeks flushed

“oh..oh shit, y/n i’m so sorry! i didn’t mean to–i should’ve asked for your permission first. i’m so so sorry!”

seonghwa tried to take a step back, but you grabbed his wrist before he could

“y-y/n?” he stared at you

you couldn’t wait anymore. not after that.

“please, do that again.”

now it was seonghwa’s turn to choke on his breath “h-huh?”

you tightened your grip on his wrist “seonghwa, this is me giving you permission. kiss me again.”

and he did

unlike the first kiss, this one was much longer and more heartfelt. you felt his arms snake around your waist, tugging you closer and closer

you could feel the way your cheeks were heating up, but at the moment you didn’t care, wanting this moment to last forever

but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end

“hey y/n, who was at the doo–holy shit!” at the sight of you and seonghwa, mingi let out the loudest screech, causing the two of you to jump away from each other

“oh fuck i forgot san and mingi were here,” you cursed under your breath. seonghwa stood next to you, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck

mingi still remained where he was in the hallway, mouth wide open in shock before he recollected himself “ohoho my god, san! text wooyoung and tell him he owes me dinner!” and with that, mingi took off running down the hall and into one of the rooms

and once again you were left alone w seonghwa

for the longest time, the two of you just stood there, refusing to speak nor look at each other

the room was so silent you could practically hear both of your hearts racing

“so uh…does this mean you and i are…?” seonghwa asked sheepishly, taking a small step towards you

you glanced up at him and couldn’t help but giggle at the hopeful look on his face

you turned towards him and flashed him the brightest grin “yeah, we are.”

the smile that appeared on seonghwa’s face at that moment was enough to take your breath away, and you had to physically restrain yourself from kissing him again

instead you opted for taking his hand in yours and entwining your fingers tgt

now that you and seonghwa were officially dating, it made studying that much more fun

when you guys started doing your clinicals, it became hard for yall to see each other, but it made your time tgt much more special when you did have time

seonghwa is a very touchy and cuddly person, so whenever there’s a short break in btwn lab or lecture, he’ll either be sitting next to you with his head on your shoulder or his arm around your shoulder and your head on his chest

the other nursing students (and sometimes the professors) would scream at how cute yall were

and bro if you thought seonghwa was your biggest motivator before you started dating, then he’s even bigger motivator now

when he quizzes you, he’ll always give you a kiss on the cheek if you answer a question correctly, or when you come back from a particularly rough shift he’ll be there to hold you and tell you that you did your best

oh yeah and to cheer you up he’ll say a bunch of anatomy jokes

“hey y/n, i aorta tell you how much i love you”

“oh god, hwa don’t even start.”

“oh c’mon, quit ovary-acting.”

“park seonghwa”

“you’re going tibia okay”

“i’m breaking up with you”

[milinary]

Chem major journey Spring 2021

- I hate online schooling I’m literally so behind and confused in every way possible

- I’m now a math minor which is super surprising considering my journey began with me saying I’m a chem major but bad at math lmaooo! My calc 2 prof said let’s convert her to the dark side and I jumped in.

- my chem prof is good tho she is super super sweet! However my lab skills are lacking Bc it’s been about a year since I’ve been in a lab. I got major anxiety my first two labs and basically fucked them up :(. Also, my prof gives like 12+hrs worth of hw in 5 days and it makes me feel like I’m gonna die of stress

- physics is ruthless. My class is completely asynchronous and I hate it. Like bro just force me to go to lecture at 8am idgaf I just don’t wanna be behind. My prof is super nice tho xoxoxo and I think I’m gonna do better this semester when I’m all caught up

- calc 3 is off to a rocky start but that’s Bc I’ve went through 2 calc profs until I landed my final one like a week and half after school started. We also use like those online math assignments which I am not compatible with at all. They make me feel like im not learning. Also this pretty much a teach yourself class so that’s a far oof

- I miss in person so much omfg

[shoutogepi]

hewwo ummm i was wondering how amto was coming along?? i don't want to rush you im just wondering uwu

hi!! it’s coming along!! slower than i anticipated but, it’s in the works. my last semester of college started the other week, hence why i’ve been missing... i’m sorry to make anyone who’s waiting for amto p2 wait any longer 🥺 i wanna get it done and have you guys read it too, i promise!! it’s just that i haven’t had much time to write unfortunately..

i’m also working on a sho smut collab for vday, so you can look forward to that!! that will definitely be out on time bc of my acute fear of disappointing people and breaking promises ahahah but also bc u know.... i’m a smut writer and part 2 of amto will be more feelings/story, it won’t have much smut (like maybe just a hint.... y’all know i’m not that clean lmao) so that’s another thing that’s been making it harder for me to finish and post.

thank you for sending me an ask about it (and such a polite one at that haha~), i really do wanna get the story out for you guys to read!! my goal is to have parts 2 and 3 out before the end of march so the series will be complete! hope you have a good day anon & anyone else wondering abt amto ☺️💗