#bc we all know how transphobic texas is

[thecryptidart1st]

When did alive au Mikey get kicked out? Was that rough for him, or was he back on his feet pretty quick?

William found out about Michael’s relationship with Jeremy when he was about 16. And by the end of the night, Michael stormed out of house. Though Evan kept in contact, William fully disowned him, and Elizabeth refused to speak to him. And months after the fight, police cars had arrived to the house, taking Clara with them; William soon after filed for divorce. No one knew the full story of what happened that night, but the rumors speculated that Clara became completely distraught over what happened to Michael.

Things were rough during the couple of weeks living on Jeremy’s couch, as Michael struggled with the guilt of leaving his family for what was essentially his own happiness, and later what happened to his mother because of his actions. And this internal fighting with himself led to Mike panicking and walking out of Jeremy’s apartment…

…But, things started turning up when Charlie came home to Hurricane for the summer and found Michael living in his car.

Charlie didn’t care about Mike being gay; all she cared about was that her pseudo-brother was safe and happy. And she forced Henry to let him stay in the Emily household with them while he worked on getting his GED. Though Henry was hesistant about the circumstances, he also knew he couldn’t sit aside and let Mike suffer because of his and William’s internal homophobia.

So he offered Mike a job at Fredbear’s. Mike got his diploma through community college and he worked nights as a security guard. And over the years, he worked his way to a managerial role in Fazbear Entertainment. Charlie worked her summers alongside him and when she graduated, she started training full-time with her dad. When Henry retired, she inherited Fazbear Entertainment. And the first thing she did was make Mike her financial partner and creative director for future restaurants and animatronics.

Jeremy and Mike continue to be off and on in a relationship during this time, but regardless of their status, Jeremy at least helps Mike embrace his sexuality and make more friends in the LGBTQIA+ community in Utah. And when Sammy came home from college and started his service in the Hurricane Police Department, suddenly people at Fredbear's continually witnessed three of the town's local bachelors be "very friendly" with each other.

Over time, Elizabeth begrudgingly lets Evan invite Michael back into her life. Michael finds his mother thanks to Sammy's connections with the police department and continues to keep in contact with her to this day.

And when William has his heart attack years later, it was the first time seeing Michael after their fight...

and then he has another heart attack finding out his son is married to two different men and they have a boy together.

[russilton]

I really want to get the new Harry Potter game, but I feel so guilty getting it. I hate that a woman who has caused so much joy and happiness in my life is such a hateful person.

Don’t get that game. Just don’t. I don’t even recommend pirating it because the concept of the game itself is fuckin’ gross.

I don’t particularly feel like explaining why, this article will do so much better.

But what I will explain, is that JKR isn’t just a hateful person, she without a shadow of a doubt is a massive contributing reason as to why I am currently watching my government try to tear my bear minimum rights from me, and witnessing Texas try to eliminate trans people entirely. I’m not being hyperbolic, it’s her fucking fault.

She made transphobia a main stream concept. Yes, transphobia always existed but the thing about most people is they are just too busy to be looking for things to hate. That’s the honest to goodness truth, and we’ve seen this happen over, and over, and over again. With vaccines, with abortion, with homophobia. When a celebrity adopts a hateful idea and clings to it, people talk about it. That talk ripples outwards with people who probably didn’t care much before, getting on the side of that celeb because of their parasocial attachment to them. Suddenly they’re dragged into indoctrinating far right rhetoric that teaches them to dehumanise and hurt minority groups. What becomes one persons shitty view is suddenly them, an army of their defenders, and then an ocean of people who didn’t care before but will now suddenly go “well, I’m not sure I like that, that’s not fair is it?” When they see people being given something, even if it’s basic human decency.

And then, the most sickening thing of all happens, conservative and sometimes even liberal politicians see a talking point, and they take advantage of it. They see something they can use, a friction point, and they make it their stand so they can win these shitty people over to them, and distract from real fucking issues. Oh you want to talk about labour rights? Sorry you can’t, instead we have to focus on how you can’t go to the fucking bathroom anymore safely because trans women have been scapegoats for abuse that WASNT FUCKING HAPPENING

You want to talk about the cost of living? Can’t do that, because trans people are telling kids to have bodily autonomy and that’s grooming. GRC reform to fall in line with other sensible countries? Not any more, we hate you so much we will exercise our before now unused power over Scotland just to stop that happening bc what if bad men use it to hurt women, like there isn’t a rap sheet as long as my arm dripping with proof that politicians alone didn’t need to pretend to be a woman in order this assault women. We are now a scapegoat for their focus, a smokescreen they can use to cloak themselves when they are posed actually important questions.

Transphobic views are now weaponised. Suddenly people who would never have cared about me before, want me dead. Do you understand how terrifying that is to live with? Every time I want to piss in public I have to confront the fear of either going to the men’s room, possibly being spotted and confronted because I don’t always pass, or going to the women’s room, where I’ll get stares for my beard and shaved head, and then possibly get confronted. It’s a new burden added to going outside.

Sickening far right politicians are always doing this dance. Transphobia is the new homophobia, which was the new antisemitism, which was the new racism, and so on down the line. We are just the next subjugated group they can use to win people over, someone they can use to point at and go “don’t you want to feel superior to someone? Like you matter more? You matter more than these people and let me tell you why”.

And JKR? She kicked that ball into motion.

I know a lot of people feel attachment to HP still. I can’t stop that, but I don’t feel it anymore. They are the reason I learned to love reading but now all that’s left when I look at the series is the stain of the author. Of knowing that she wants me dead, if not actively, then by smothering suppression. If you came to me looking for a trans person to give you a pass to get the game, then I’m sorry, you won’t get it.

I don’t want to be a political issue. I just want to live.

[cachien]

vent

middle tn is by far the worst worst WORST place i have ever lived

i've lived in georgia, texas, alabama, and south carolina. i have relatives in mississippi so i've spent a lot of time there as well as florida. middle tn is by FAR the worst of anywhere.

starting with the basics there's anti homeless infrastructure EVERYWHERE while the price of living requires twice the average salary (idk if that's actually true but unless i live in the most crime-heavy part of town i cannot afford to live anywhere on a single income, even when i was working full-time in a job that required my degree)

my fiance's family is from here and them + everyone i've met through them are the worst people i have ever known. they're anti-vax. they use racial slurs for jokes. they HATE trans people like oh my GOD these are the most transphobic assholes i have ever met in my life, they are just openly anti-trans and tradwives and misogynists. covid is a government conspiracy, biden is the devil, trump is our only hope for salvation but the damn conspiring dems who rule the world will never let him get back in office, he'll have to do a hostile takeover. the other day my soon to be father in law seriously asked if it's confirmed that the holocaust happened. his wife is german. this morning he said the 'rumors' that hitler had a micropenis were probably made up by people trying to make him look bad. (that's just a fact from his medical records and autopsy, like, people did not need to make up new facts to make hitler look bad??? are you fucking serious??)

i have a potentially fatal allergy. i will go into anaphylactic shock if exposed to a certain allergen. they treat this like i'm being dramatic. my future mother in law legitimately suggested that i consume only chicken broth for a few weeks to "reset" and then after that i'll be fine. she constantly tries to say i should do liver detoxes and drink these expensive teas and all kinds of things and i don't know how many times i've bit back the argument that your liver's entire job is detox you do not NEED support for that if your liver is functioning

they're anti-doctor. you can't trust scientists because big pharma and the government control everything. soy is going to kill you, it has phytoestrogens, they cause breast cancer (NO, no no no. hate soy because the industry is hugely ecologically damaging and usually relies on slave/child labor, but phytoestrogens are literally harmless and if soy is someone's only reliable source of calcium and protein let them have it they need it and we are not plants so plant estrogen is not going to effect a human at all). my soon to be mother in law bought me a book for christmas called "the peanut allergy epidemic" that cites a quack calling himself a doctor who has no actual degree who claims vaccines cause food allergies even though there's ample research showing that that is NOT true and that globalization and people consuming high quantities of unfamiliar foods are more likely the cause. which checks out if you look at any of history.

oh: fun fact here. my degree is in history. so every time they say something horribly racist or holocaust denying or say that things are "historically inaccurate" or about how the modern world is soooo horrible and the left is trying to kill us all, i have minimum twenty primary sources disputing them and they do. not. care.

a family they're close friends with "cured" their child's autism by forcing him to have a vegan diet of home-grown produce bc clearly the evil evil GMOs and "inorganic" lettuce caused his autism. now that he's homeschooled and eating healthy and, oh, ten years old with more independence and therapy, he's doing better! clearly it was the veganism! bc autism needs to be cured and leaves can do it!

the far right cult is literally delusional and i live among them and i've never hated my life more. when i lived with my abusive ex whose catholic midwestern family greeted me with "ya ain't no gaddamn democrat, are ya?", they were more reasonable than people in this area. that guy's mom was at least not anti-vax. he was also homeschooled and sure he didn't believe in dinosaurs and though the earth is 7000 years old but at least he was kind to trans people and had black friends that he treated with respect.

i went to a painting group that was mostly old women and it devolved into a conversation about snow white having black dwarves is soooo historically inaccurate because ms german woman didn't even see a black person till she was 20. never mind that the holocaust killed black germans and that a fifty year eugenics process systematically eradicated germany's black population in the early twentieth century, clearly black people never existed there and to even suggest having them in a story about dwarves and magic and poison apples would just make it so unrealistic, as if the rest of the story is accurate. same woman who asked about my writing and i said i was working on a fantasy novel modeled after regency era england but with dragons and she went "yeah bc they totally had those back then" hello??? you cannot say a damn word about history when you don't know any of it

like this is the most gun-toting, history-denying, school-shootings every other week, transphobic, absolutely delusional brainwashed area i have ever lived. i can't take it anymore i've got to get out. i will be homeless in LA or NYC or anywhere that i can mention i'm bi without the absolute knowledge that my identity will become a political debate.

[lumberjackloverboy-moved]

This is in no way directed at you you're just the only Texas person I know on this circus site. With that being said I do talk about TW: CLASSISM ABLEISM RACISM* HOMOPHOBIA AND TRANSPHOBIA

*I'm white, so please don't take my comments on the racism as an argument against poc this is just things my poc friends have also said and/or talk to me about

I really think it's interesting how any time Texas does something everyone says we should cut them loose or they're a lost cause as if that won't directly harm the minorites who live in Texas. Like, I get it, I'm from Texas and I hate the officials but honestly? Every time I hear that from anyone who's not a) from Texas or b) living in Texas it makes me super uncomfortable. Like the snow storm last year. Everyone said they deserved it as if it wasn't explicitly stated that people under the poverty line and minorities faced the worst of it. It just,,, feels classist and homophobic/transphobic at best and racist or ableist at worst. You can't just abandon something and expect it to not get worse when you've done literally nothing but cut off people from help. My hometown is primarily Mexican/Latino and most of them live under the poverty line. I had "friends" say they deserve what's happening to them for continuing to live in Texas, as if most people have the funds to pack up and move states.

yeah. there is a huge population of hispanic, latine, and black people in texas-- basically all of 'texan' culture from cowboys to bbq/soul food to even the word yall come from these cultures-- and poverty is a huge problem in texas. every action greg and paxton and patrick and everyone else makes hurts these communities first, and with segregation and jerrymandering and voter suppression rampant here, these communities dont have a voice. but yeah haha poor people are dying in snow storms bc our failed infrastructure!! stupid hicks!! haha, black people are dying in hurricanes and tornados, but hey! our state is red (bc it is jerrymandered to shit) so they deserve it!! stupid texans, you're all so backwards and fucked up and deserve every bad thing that happens to you!! oh you dont like it here? just move! as if thats possible for most of this state bc, once again, this state is deeply impoverished!

anyways @ northerners & non-texans stop getting off on texan suffering bc the people that suffer the most are hispanic, latine, black, and poor.

[mycroftrh]

If you are angry that you were not taught in school about some historical person or other being queer, or that you have seen a screenshot of an academic work doing something like calling two people who were clearly fuckin 'close brotherly friends'; and you are considering expressing that anger by declaring all historians/ archaeologists/ history teachers homophobic/transphobic

I would like you first to ponder a few things.

Most generally - how do you know now that this person was queer? Is it... perhaps because that was mentioned in a more recent academic work or a college class? Academic fields have moved on since the 50s bruh. That screenshot you're angry at, have you checked when the text was written?

But past that:

High School (and Similar)

At the most basic level, if your teacher had one semester to teach you all of world history before 1500AD, possibly their priority was 'here is the name of this civilization' not 'here are the names of all the gay people in it'. (I would have prioritized the gays personally tbh but that's me.)

But much more importantly:

Hello today we will be talking about "No Promo Homo" laws!

I'm gonna use the ones in the US to explain, because I know the most about them, but they are around in many many other places.

No Promo Homo laws vary in their details. I'll use Texas's as an example.

"Course materials... should include: emphasis, provided in a factual manner and from a public health perspective, that homosexuality is not a lifestyle acceptable to the general public and that homosexual conduct is a criminal offense."

In general, your average NPH law says either 'you cannot mention homosexuality' or 'any mention of homosexuality must be negative'.

(Note: if you're going 'wait hang on it's not a criminal offense tho? Why are you trying to pass off this clearly outdated law on us?' ...the law referenced, criminalizing 'homosexual conduct', IS still on the books in Texas. They're just not allowed to enforce it bc of the Supreme Court ruling in 2003. The NPH law above is fully current; in fact, in November 2020 Texas's Board of Education considered repealing but voted 9-6 to keep it.)

In 2019 there were seven states with NPH laws. There are still four. Also, there's this "Texas effect" with school textbooks where the state of Texas is the largest buyer of textbooks in the US, and it's easier to print one textbook for everyone than different textbooks for each state, so... textbooks for the whole US generally follow whatever the Texas Board of Education wants to teach.

...when your history teacher was failing to teach you about someone being gay... was that in a time/place where it was/is literally illegal to teach you that? Was it in a time/place where they can only tell you someone was gay if they immediately follow it with "and that's bad, this historical figure was leading an unacceptable and criminal lifestyle"? If not, was your teacher working off a textbook written for places where that's the case?

...Because if you're in the US in 2021 then the answer is very very likely 'yes' to at least one of those. If you're elsewhere there's also a pretty decent chance. (And even if there weren't actual laws directly affecting you - the Indignant Parents get their say about Corrupting The Youth, too.)

Again, how do you know now that the person was queer? Was it... perhaps because it was mentioned to you or someone else in a college class (or a book), which isn't under the domain of NPH laws?

Museums

While to the best of my knowledge there are no explicit NPH laws regulating museums, museums in many areas must in effect follow similar restrictions. One of my professors did a study on evolution education in museums which basically boiled down to 'because of the way funding works, a lot of museums have to dance around the existence of human evolution to the point that they have plausible deniability'. Same goes for queer-ness.

Yes, everyone working there knows the mummy is gay. The issue isn't the scientists, it's that museums need money to pay the rent preserve the artifacts build the exhibits etc, and therefore have to be careful what topics they focus on.

[Taking this moment for a sidenote: there will be sources linked in a reblog of this post.]

Academia, My Original Point

I need y'all to understand that being gay, just the fact of being gay, only stopped being actively illegal in the US in 2003. I need you to understand that there are more than 70 countries right now, today, as of July 2021, that have laws criminalizing homosexuality, including 11 where it's punishable with execution. I need you to understand that people could be arrested in the United States for "cross-dressing" within the last decade and still can right now today as we speak for things like "being trans and using the bathroom".

Do you think, possibly, that academics in some of those times and places had reasons for not explicitly saying 'this person was homosexual'? Do you further think maybe it could be possible that when all of the evidence that a historical figure was queer is laid out for you, very clearly, so it's obvious, so you can't miss it; and then the author tacks on at the end "...but uh @CIA no homo here definitely! @FBI just gal pals!" ...do you think maybe they had a reason for writing it that way?

Finally:

Look. Historians and archaeologists who are gay, and trans, and queer, we exist! Hello, hi! 👋 Right here! 👋 There are a lot of us actually!

Declaring all historians/archaeologists homophobic and transphobic is, guess what? ERASING US. The people who are alive, right here, right now.

Don't erase me.

[bthebeachboi]

trans California hc

I like the idea of T.Cal n T.Cali just changed places, but listen closely. California was born alone, like, popped in existence without "man" California (which plays into my hc later on for B)

Not only DC - who alone "controled" both type of states and was meeting Ladies at that time - didn't knew about Cal going on T and shit, but his lovely brother who fully knew didn't tell him bc "not my problem" and "good for him, how am I having anything to do with it"

I have an os still in making with "what if male California was B, who didn't get a body bc Cal was already a man in the wrong body, so they ended up sharing" which, btw, I am going to make angsty

I love the idea of every state being so fucking confused like "why do we meet California now??? HE ISN'T NEW??? WHERE WAS THIS FUCKER?" and LA who talked to Lady LA (who is the only gal who supported Cal after learning about it bc she felt bad for him aka "chaotic mom friend" if u will) and knows all about it is like "damn man, nice"

California absolutly fears being near "transphobic" states alone bc he doesn't know what will happen if he will change into B who, in my au, wears only a flower shirt that he doesn't button up

Btw, I like the idea of "no state really is for all that political stuff, they just can't really control people they are under and are hella proud" so Cal technically doesn't have to fear but he doesn't know that

Cal deffo sold his soul to the devil, "young" alcoholic Gov meeting this bitch who makes the strongest "Sex on the beach" ever and being like "a secret for a secret ;)))" so poor DC doesn't know why Gov just changed California's place to the male states so simply when he had to fistfight him for a scoop of his own ice cream (and loose)

Cal doesn't have friends bc when Ladies learnt, some of them felt like they were lied to and he felt so bad for hurting them that he just straight up cut off all contact above Lady LA's bc LA somehow gives her California's number all the time, even if he didn't get it

He wants to be "one of the boys" but also fears falling into stereotype so bad, that he scares off all people who could become his friends

Btw, fuck Ben(/j), Kentucky would love to be friends with him bc he saw him hanging out wit Las Vegas n his cities n it looked like he was having fun (that's mostly based on the way that he tried to invite him to have fun "their way" in canon)

Oklahoma isn't "friends" with him only bc Cal won't call him that, but Homa loves annoying Texas so he started hanging out with California to annoy him even more. It works, his blood level rises every time he sees them talking about a game or showing each other videos of fluffy cows. (i just think that as Homa annoying Tex is for him like a hobby, he wouldn't care what is wrong with Cal, he just wanna have fun n it's him having fun that way)

Cal doesn't wanna people calling him Cali bc it seems more fem n he worries. He overthinks it, but what else would you expect

Even tho he is worried bout his name, he's less worried about fem clothing bc he likes the way his body looks rn

yes, bottom surgery has been done, bc I usually see a lot of hc with characters without it so why not, treat urself n all that

oh yeah, i deffo will call lady california "cali" if she will ever show up so don't expect me to call california smth other than cal or golden state

[fuck-customers]

Holy Shit Buckle Up Y'all

(TW: mentions of transphobia, racism, and self-harm)

A little backstory:

In November we hired three new people to help with our workload around the holidays, and we've kept them on. Two of them are very hard workers, have great personalities, and nice work ethics. The third, who I will be referring to as J.....does not.

She constantly asks to switch shifts instead of putting in for time off or changing her availability (said that its "inconvenient" for her to change it), if you're even a minute late to covering register for her when she's supposed to get off, she'll just abandon the register and clock out and then shop for thirty minutes, and she is constantly walking away from her post bc she's "bored" and "doesn't feel like working" when there are literally people in line.

So about two weeks ago, she scheduled for five days off. Sweet, shes learning. She then proceeds to call off the day before her five days and the day after. So now she has a week off. Dick move, but I can't say no one has done it before.

Her scheduled day back is a Wednesday. She texts one of my coworkers, P, and asks her to take her shifts for Wednesday AND Thursday. P agrees because she wants more hours, but all of us, including the managers, are irritated now. This is now nine days off she's gotten.

On Wednesday, I got a text from her asking if I could take her shift Friday. Now as of this point, I've been sick all week - hacking my lungs out, not able to breathe, but working bc we're short staffed (bc of her) and bc I need the money. I had Friday and Saturday off for the first time in MONTHS so no way in hell was I gonna take it. I just said no, firmly.

She continues to pester me, asking why, since I don't work Friday I should be able to, etc, and I kind of snapped:

Which, okay, maybe I shouldn't have snapped like that. But I was exhausted and frustrated and so sick of her getting to do this that I just couldn't take it anymore. I expected her to call me a bitch and then ignore me but hoooooo boy nope. (Names are blacked out) (and if this many photos aren't allowed feel free to delete this submission)

First of all, the racism comment:

She was buying cigarettes and even though shes a coworker, I have to ID her bc she's 19 and I can get fired for that shit. She told me she had lost her ID and asked to just put her birthday in. My manager said it was fine, so I did, and I made the offhanded comment about how she should get a new one so she didn't get pulled over by a racist dick while driving. We live in an area where the cops just looovvve to profile people (if you know Ohio, you know where) and I'd had that conversation with so many of my friends that I didn't even think about it, I was just concerned about her getting home safely to her kid. She didn't react negatively at the time, just said "oh I didn't think about that, thanks" and we moved on. If she had really had an issue with it she would have spoken to our managers, so clearly she's only bringing it up now to scare me. I just.....I mean obviously if I am being racist I want someone to tell me so I can fix my actions, but I didn't even think that came off that way in the moment. Maybe I was out of line, but the same thing has happened recently to my 16 year old cousin (he's fine dw) and so its been on my mind.

Second, no, I am not a manager. But aside from four other employees, two of which only work part time, I am one of the oldest members of staff (time wise, not age wise, I'm 23). So the managers put me in charge of a lot of shit, which means that I end up being in charge of people. Which apparently she did not like.

And third no, I do not have a kid. I'm not married, I don't have a partner, and I barely have the income to make half of rent with my roommate sometimes. I would not bring a child into this world if I could help it, and it pissed me off that she would imply that if I had a child, I'd be more mature. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that if having a kid makes you more mature, it clearly didn't work for her. I feel so bad for her kid; he's like two, and she's already constantly using him as an excuse for not doing things and not going to work. She lives with her mom and her boyfriend, so she has a support system (her mom is retired, and a very sweet lady). Like again, I don't have a kid, but all my coworkers who do don't pull this shit ever.

Anyway

I was physically shaking by the end of these texts, crying, because I HATE when people yell at me, especially when they know me IRL. And especially cause she was accusing me of some nasty shit. I sent them all to my manager in the least professional set of texts I'd ever written and then two hours later had to go to work.

My depression was up, my anxiety was through the roof, and as soon as our floater manager asked me if I was okay I burst into tears again. I showed her and the closing manager the texts and they were both appalled but then

They fucking started trying to "comfort" me by making racist comments!!! "Oh, thats just what her people are like" "you know she grew up in the ghetto part of town" "that girl is straight up hood" like!!!!

I was furious. I was so mad it wasn't funny, but they're my MANAGERS and i need this job and they're both old, so they don't think what they're saying is wrong. I tried desperately to derail it by saying things like "where she grew up had nothing to do with it" but they just kept going and I just....that made it so much worse tbh I just walked out of the office to do my fucking job.

A couple hours later, right as I've started to calm down, one of my coworkers started making really transphobic comments about one of our old coworkers who I'm still friends with, deadnaming her, saying that she's allowed to deadname her bc its part of her religion, etc etc.

Y'all I just....walked behind the photo counter and had a fucking meltdown on the floor. I dragged myself to the pharmacy to get their trash so I had SOMETHING to focus on and as soon as I got there the tech took one look at me and held out her arms and I just lost it again.

I go to my manager and basically just ask to do trash and go home. I was supposed to close, and I have left early only once in my life, when we were too dead to need me, but I had just mentally had it. I knew that if I didn't leave in that moment I wasn't going to make it to the end of the night without hurting myself.

She agreed, I finished trash, and got one of my friends to come pick me up.

My GM texts me the next morning (Thursday) and says she's giving me PTO for the hours I didn't work Wednesday night and for my day off on Friday. I almost cried again bc I was so stressed about the money.

Fast forward to a week later, today, and J still has a job, but she has now also called off 16 days in a row. Claiming she's still stuck in Texas with her kid (which was why she was asking to trade shifts last week).

I don't know how much longer my GM can hold out before firing her. I really don't.

Tldr; coworker asks me to take a shift for the hundredth time after calling out for a week, I say no (albeit a bit rudely), they start screaming at me via text, and I have a mental breakdown.

[meepface]

these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!! 

2. What has been on your mind most lately?

well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!

3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?

i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!

4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?

love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame

5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?

feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it

6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?

to learn how to live for myself more

7. In one sentence, who are you?

i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can

8. What do you want to be known for?

being good and kind and gentle and positive

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends

12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?

someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

a golden retriever

15. What stands between you and something you want?

fear of change

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to

17. What do you need to spend more time doing?

being with friends and family, writing

18. When did you first realize that life was short?

i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so

20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand

21. What is a common misconception people have about you?

i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard

22. What is something no one can take away from you?

no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour

23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat

24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?

how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?

hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?

hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this

27. If not now, then when?

when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me

29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?

i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through

30. What do you want to remember forever?

hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes

31. What could society do without?

religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all 

32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?

right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?

be kinder and gentler, thank you

34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?

this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am

35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?

my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding

36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?

hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life

37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?

you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!

38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?

finally

39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?

hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right

40. What question do you often ask yourself?

what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?