#be experiencing them in the same way i otherwise would if i stay here :( fuck. i hate missing the people and not the place

[heartsburst]

god don't you hate when your disability is disabling, like who could have seen that coming :(

[wolvesofinnistrad]

Now Expanded on AO3 here

The bed is hard and cold, not anything he isn't used to, but uncomfortable all the same. Especially with the way his body aches right now.

He wasn't even supposed to be on the ground, running into burning buildings wasn't really his main job description anymore. It was just...

The woman was screaming for her cat. And Tommy loves cats, he has his own, Missy. She's probably wondering where daddy is right now.

Who is he kidding, she probably didn't even notice he left for work.

No one is probably noticing he's missing. He likes the people at harbor, his coworkers, but they aren't family like the 118, Evan has told him how half the station will be sitting bedside vigil when any of them get injured. It must be nice to have that. After his childhood, shipped from one foster home to another, kicked out at 18, a family like that is something he's always wanted; fuck he acted like an absolute asshole just to try to get the old 118 to like him.

He's just mulling over whether calling Eddie and asking him to pick him up whenever they discharge him is too much when he hears the squeak of sneakers on the hospital floor and glances towards the door.

In stumbles Evan, looking scared and adorable and making Tommy's heart beat so fast the monitor actually beeps a few times in warning.

"Tommy, hey, are you okay?" He says, scrambling towards him, dragging a chair over with a loud scrape that has Tommy wincing at the sound.

For a moment all he can do is stare over at this human ball of sunshine, something in his chest unknotting. Fuck he really didn't think anyone would come, how did he...

"I, I'm okay," he says, trying to put on a brave face for Evan. He's older, more experienced, he should try to be calm and not get emotional.

"You look like shit," Evan says in that earnest way he has, sitting there and taking Tommy's hand in his own. His thumb brushes over Tommy's bruised knuckles, his concerned expression staring straight into Tommy's soul.

"Oh..." he says as he feels something crack open in him. Because Evan is here, he's holding his hand, he's worried for him he... He wants to take care of him, its written all over that adorable face. And well, that's, its not really something Tommy ever has anymore. "I'll be okay," he amends, and his hand squeezes Evan's even if it hurts a little. "How did you even?"

"The hospital called me. Apparently I'm your emergency contact?" Evan asks, and there's confusion there, but also something that looks like that same giddy contentment that Evan gets whenever Tommy does something to make him happy.

Fuck. He forgot he'd done that. That looked crazy and desperate, they'd only been dating a couple months.

"Uh, yeah it was either you or Chimney," he said, and fuck if that didn't sound pathetic. It wasn't like he didn't have friends. He had a lot actually, but none that he trusted implicitly like that. To see him weak and vulnerable. Chimney had saved his life though, and Evan well...

Evan leans in and kisses him. "Well I'm glad you did because I might not have known otherwise. Chim is at work right now so."

They sit for a while, Him recounting how he saved the cat but got blasted out a first floor window by the explosion. There wasn't any serious damage but he hurt like shit and had a lot of bruises and scrapes.

"Would you want to, y'know, come home with me and I can take care of you? Or I can stay at your place," Evan asks and fuck, fuck he is Not going to cry, he is not that kind of guy. But then, before he can answer.

Eddie rounds the corner, followed closely by Chim and Hen. Eddie's in plain clothes but Hen and Chim look like they came directly from the station.

"Tommy, shit, you okay?" Eddie asks, and Hen and Chim are looking at his chart by the bed and this is. Its too much. Its exactly what he wanted but wasn't at all expecting.

"I'm," he starts, looking at Evan for a moment before deciding, "I feel about as bad as I look, yeah." Evan squeezes his hand and his heart starts racing again and the monitor is beeping a little and he feels a tear going down his cheek. Evan wipes the tear away and then they're all talking. About what happened as Evan explains it for him, about a call where Hen saved a dog a few months back, about whatever. And fuck if Tommy doesn't feel safe, feel like he belongs.

Later that night, laying in his own bed, Evan having dragged him onto his broad chest in the same way Tommy usually does to him, he starts to think he could get used to this. He really hopes he can keep Evan, keep all of this for himself. Missy curls at the foot of the bed and purrs and he thinks, yeah, I feel like purring in contentment too.

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Nikolai Lantsov x gn! Reader - Kings and fools

A/n: whoops, cannon? she died yesterday. also translations at the end

Summary: Being trapped in a Fjerdan lab isn't much fun, but things do start to get interesting when someone you recognize shows up.

Warnings: Swearing, implied death, implied torture, beating people up, prolly ptsd, just all around fun times.

[Pronouns used: You/your] [Pov: 2nd person] [Pairings: (romantic!) nikolai x reader]

You were going to laugh because of the sheer hilariousness of this situation. Never-mind, you were currently laughing your head off.

One of the guard's turned around to look at you with fierce eyes and smacked your face thrice just for little a giggle slipping past your lips.

"Tig!" He shouts at you in Fjerdan after hitting your face repeatedly. "Tig!"

But you could care less, because they obviously didn't realize who they had just captured, because if they had, they would be carrying a body bag instead. War would start between Ravka and Fjerda, or perhaps they would keep it a secret and invade Ravka knowing they had a dead king.

The King of fucking Ravka was shoved into your cell.

The Fjerdan guard scampered off probably because he had spent too much time on such a lowly prisoner not knowing if he used his fucking eyes he would see that he would be getting a raise within the hour.

Alas, he didn't and now you were stuck with an unwanted roommate.

"Are you okay?" He whispered to you, and your breath stopped.

You had not expected that, you had expected some arrogant fool, as kings usually were. Kings and fools were one in the same after all.

"What?"

"He hit you."

Blinking a couple of times, you just shook your head. "He was being kind."

The King narrowed his eyes. "Unless I'm mistaken, kind people do not hurt someone."

You wanted to say that it didn't hurt, but you were weak. The bruises forming would say otherwise, and lying wouldn't get you anywhere. Even so, the only way to survive this place was to be strong, someone slapping you three times because you laughed wasn't the worst you've experienced or seen. A slap was child's play.

"You'll soon find out kindness comes in more forms then one."

___________

It was Nikolai Lantsov's first true day in this hellish Fjerdan laboratory.

Now he would find out what you were used for.

"Get up." You kick his side as he groans on the dirt floor. "Get up, you babink!"

He throws his head up to look at you with curled lips.

"I certainly won't if you don't ask me nicely."

You have heard of his ability to charm, and you've heard of his large ego, you've found the only thing that's true is the latter. Nikolai has an incredible ego whether it be a facade or not it didn't matter. It was going to cost him his first real beating, and make all the other ones look like mercy.

"Unless you want one of the guards to kick the shit out of you, get up!"

He sighed, but quickly followed your orders and you vaguely wondered if he was used to giving orders rather then receiving them, or if he let all his generals do it for him.

You shouldn't be helping this poor fool, but some part of you still burned with the need to protect your country, and by extension of that the king. It was a part of you that dared to hope, it was weak, and the reason you were in this situation. You thought that hopeful part of you had died the first week you were here, and you knew they weren't coming for you. Despite being their best.

You should have known better then, just like you should know better know.

But you're a fool.

Somehow, for the next five months you manage to shield Nikolai away from the brunt of the nasty atrocities in this lab-rat prison. Both of you do your labor with no foul-language, or whimpers escaping. You manage to stay quiet and to get the guards off his, and your backs. It's a miracle considering he talks so much.

You just hope you can keep him out of the lab.

"So, you know how to speak Ravkan?"

Your back stiffens, and the cuts there sting a little as you do but you manage to ignore it in favor of glaring at the man who's sitting in your cell beside you. How he managed to remember you cursing at him in Ravkan that first morning is beyond you. Usually time will seep deep into bones until there's nothing but the memory of pain, and the moments of suffering. Having someone else there is dangerous, because it lessens the load and makes you a fool, for it gives you hope.

"You should stop asking questions you know the answer to." You muttered while rolling your eyes at him.

"That wasn't my question." He shoved your shoulder, if you weren't here he would have had more strength to not shove it so weakly. If you weren't here, you wouldn't wince slightly anyways, if he hadn't shown up this would have never happened.

His bright piercing gaze meet yours and you wanted to curse for your heart stuttering in your chest. At least you knew there weren't any grisha around to hear it.

Now, that very thought made you sick.

"What do you want to ask me then?" You ask him, as his eyes glint dangerously and you wonder whether kings are the fools, or if it's just the people who get caught in their snare that are.

"Three questions," He bargains. "Then I'll let you sleep."

Pursing your lips, you think about what could go wrong, but you find you don't care. You've been fearing for your life, and pain for over three years, if your name was still uttered around Ravka then Alina Starkov was going to come running for your rescue. It didn't matter if he found out who you were through some silly questions, it was just leveling the playing field. It wasn't fair, you mused, that you knew his identity, but he didn't know yours.

"Fine." You snap.

Plus, you were feeling slightly more sappy tonight, if he wanted to hear your sob story that he's already been told but has forgotten then he could be your guest.

"Where did you live?"

"Fjerda, then Ravka."

"What did you used to, do before all of this." He gestured towards the cell.

"I hunted down the people I used to work for." You speak rather curtly before facing away from him, unwanted memories flickering behind your irises. "I think that's enough questions for tonight."

But he grabs your chin and turns your head to face him as he shifts his body closer to yours so you were only a breath apart.

"I have one more question left."

"I hate you."

He smiled, "No you don't, drüskelle maleni."

You slapped his hand away from your face, and moved away from him with a furious expression written with the frown on your lips.

You thought if anything, he would know you as the spy, not as the drüskelle maleni - the drüskelle ghost.

That's what you were before, someone who had been raised to kill without thought, to someone who found humanity again. Then lost it as they had to repent for their sins.

"I'm sorry lapushka, I shouldn't have-" Nikolai tries to reach out for you, but even in your tiny cell do you manage to move away from him.

"Don't Moi Tsar." You hissed, quickly silencing the King. You didn't hear from him again that night

_____________

Of course the next day was shit.

Nikolai refused to follow any orders and you knew the guards were getting fed up with his behavior. Currently, so were you, did he just forget every lesson you taught him to stay quiet? Was he such a fool as to not realize that if he didn't stay hidden enough they would figure out who he was and he would be dead by morning?

Yet it was not in Nikolai Lantsov's nature to stay quiet, saints, you doubted he even knew the word.

If he was going to be this reckless than you couldn't help him, you wouldn't help him. What's the point if he was bargaining with his own life?

That's what you repeated to yourself anyways, as he was slowly getting dragged off.

"We're taking this demjin to the lab." One grumbled as they pulled Nikolai with a group of soldiers.

Your blood went cold, and your eyes started to fill with dread.

You had been in the lab, once, but they decided they didn't actually need you. Still, you got to see the people being put under terrible things, testing them to see how much the body could handle. There were crimes not even imaginable, so bad that when someone opened their mouth to speak about them, a scream got let out instead.

The unlucky ones would disappear once they crossed the border into the lab. The lucky ones would come back alive, maybe even a little maimed, but alive.

Maybe they weren't so lucky than, maybe the real curse is going through it than surviving it.

Djel, You prayed. Please let this work, for once let me save something instead of kill. Don't use me as your blade but as your shield. Just this once.

You ran up to the guards and tore them off of Nikolai, breaking their grip on him.

"Me jer jonink." You whispered to the King in your mother tongue, not quite knowing what you were asking forgiveness for. Perhaps it was for the way you snapped, or for the lives you've stolen, you don't quite know. Maybe it was for the way he laid his eyes on you, and you on him. The way you've protected him, and the way he's given you hope.

Kings and fools are one in the same.

"What do you think you're doing!" One growled, while the other two held down your arms against your thrashing.

Saving him. "Helping my country, Fjerda." You lifted your chin staring defiantly into their faces. Knowing that you were like them once, killing grisha, only to be shown mercy, and turned into a weapon against the Drüskelle. You could be that one last time, you could serve Ravka, even if it meant death.

You could serve your love.

"You should know that grisha anything but vile, they are good, they are-"

The guard not holding you down, knees you in the gut, causing your knees to tremble and your strength to waiver. Yet the men gripping your arms forced your legs to work, lest you break them.

"Grisha will run this country to the ground!" He yells at you, spit hitting your face.

You knew you had to go further if you wanted them to forget about Nikolai and his stunt of, existing.

Taking a breath you opened your eyes and hoped.

"Fel holm ve koop djet."

Immediately they start to drag you away from Nikolai who tries to shout, to get them to stop, but they ignore the King. Instead they seem to find enjoyment with bruising you up on your way to the lab.

Now you truly understood why you asked for forgiveness, because the look in his eyes as they pulled you away could only scream love.

Words 1843

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Translations:

Fjerdan:

Tig - Shut up

Drüskelle - Witchhunter

Demjin - Demon

Me jer jonink. - Forgive me

Fel holm ve koop djet. - Our home is better for it

Ravkan:

Babink - Barbarian

Maleni - ghost

Lapushka - Darling

Moi Tsar - My King

Grishaverse taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien @dontjudgeabookbythecover @brekker-zenik @alohastitch0626 @brekkers-desigirl @emmsamultifan06

[ghoulfuckersincorporated]

i wana fuck gob

So, the best AND simultaneously worst thing about coming up with headcanons and fics for characters from Fallout 3 is that there's often so little to the characters, canonically. Most of them have pretty scant backstories and characterization. That can be both an opportunity to mold a character to what you'd like them to be and a way to end up with a very contested character no one agrees on anything about.

Don't get me wrong; I like Fallout 3 quite a bit, but in the same way I like Fallout 4, which is "wow this game has some really loveable/memorable/fuckable characters and you can make your own fun, which I don't mind". However, Fallout 4's characters overall have stronger characterization, in my opinion, so it seems like the fan base has a fairly generalized sense of what each character is like. That doesn't seem to be the case with 3, at least sometimes.

***All that to say: if I make any claims about characters you like from Fallout 3 that you disagree with, 1. sorry, and 2. I would love to discuss.

Gob (Fallout 3) NSFW Headcanons

Boundary communication would be HUGE with Gob, but especially for Gob. For decades, he hasn't been allowed to stand up for himself, to even have boundaries, so a long, long chat about consent would be due before the two of you ever did anything. You'll have to make it clear to him that if he doesn't like something, you don't want to do it, so he needs to say something, and that you won't be mad at him for not enjoying something.

This man is SO quiet during sex that it's initially quite unsettling to you. Even when he cums, he's completely silent. He's so used to having to be ridiculously quiet all the time (or else), but especially at a time like this. You may feel the need to take a step or two back in terms of your intimacy until he feels more able to relax, because it would be difficult for you to gauge whether he was enjoying something or not with full confidence. At least, not without constantly having to ask him, which can be a bit of a mood killer if you're not sure the person you're doing things with is enjoying themselves or just going along with it for your sake. No one wants to feel like they're imposing themselves on their partner, and Gob is, as a result of what he's been though, absolutely the type to just lie there and let you have what you want so he doesn't upset you. He insists that he's enjoying himself, that he likes the way you touch him, but you'll have to explain that you need some sort of feedback when you're touching him to ensure you're not hurting him or crossing some boundary. Once he relaxes, he can be quite vocal, but still quiet; mostly hums and sighs.

I think he also struggles to maintain eye contact with literally anyone, and this doesn't improve when he's nervous or being sexually stimulated. He already feels so exposed with you touching him, even if he's still mostly or fully clothed, that eye contact feels like too much a lot of the time. Once you two have been together a while and you've been physical a few times, he may be able to relax enough to look at you when you ask him to (he gets the cutest look on his face when he cums), but his gaze will continue to wander otherwise.

I think you'd be wise to keep things fairly formulaic early on with Gob. Whatever the two of you enjoy, find your rhythm and stay with it for a while; no need to start experimenting or introducing the poor thing to a bunch of new kinks and positions and things he's never experienced while he's over here still trying to relax enough to let you jerk him off without him crying afterwards.

Would agree to try mommy kink stuff with you and then be beyond embarrassed by how much he likes it. Absolutely loves to be babied and treated softly while you take care of him.

Once he's really comfortable with you, and once he's begun to really feel like he has autonomy and safety in his life, he shyly starts to make requests, wants to try things that he's thought about doing with you since the moment he laid eyes on you. Of course, he's nervous, but he's gotten good at communicating his wants and needs at this point. He wants to fuck you on the bar when the place is closed. He wants to cum on your face. He wants you to peg him. He REALLY wants you to peg him.

Lots of early morning sex. He likes to lay in bed and cuddle for a little while before he gets up to open the bar, and, more often than not, that leads to him feeling all warm and appreciative of you, which usually leads to him pulling you on top of him so you can guide his cock inside you, grinding and rolling your hips lazily until you both cum.

Tit man. Not good at hiding the fact that he's oogling your chest from the minute you meet, sort of like a teenage boy, but once he's comfortable with you and it's been established that he's attracted to you, he doesn't really try to hide it.

[gunnerfc]

Magda Eriksson NSFW Alphabet (18+, minors DNI!)

A: Aftercare

She's very attentive and will get you anything you need to help calm down after sex

B: Body Part (their favorite body part of themselves and their partner)

Magda's favorite body part is her arms, she's very strong so it's very easy for her to keep your hips on the bed when she's fucking you

Her favorite body part of yours is your legs, she loves how you wrap them around her body while she's fucking you

C: Cum (anything to do with cum)

She loves watching your expressions change when you cum

D: Dirty Secret 

She loves seeing you in her clothes or jerseys and all she can think about is how good you look with her last name across your back and it drives her crazy

E: Experience (Are they experienced? Do they know what they are doing?) 

Magda is experienced and knows what she's doing

F: Favorite Position 

She's biased to any position that lets her watch your face as you cum

G: Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous?)

She's very focused on you and your pleasure

I: Intimacy (How intimate are they during the moment?)

Sex with Magda is very intimate

J: Jack off (Masturbation HC) 

The only time the two of you get yourselves off is when you’re apart, otherwise, you'd just ask her

K: Kink (One or more of their kinks) 

She likes when you call her 'mommy'

L: Location (Favorite place to have sex)

Magda prefers your shared home because of privacy but there have been times when you'd been roommates and used that to your advantage

M: Motivation (What turns them on?) 

Seeing you out of breath after a game or training drives her crazy because all she can think about is how she's been the cause of you being out of breath and how she wants to do the same when the two of you get home

N: No (Something they wouldn't do)

She's not into threesomes because she doesn't want anyone else to see or touch you in ways only she can

O: Oral (Preference on giving or receiving)

Giving, she loves how you taste and would stay between your legs for hours

P: Pace (Fast & Rough? Slow & Sensual?) 

It's a mix, it changes depending on moods but for the most part, it's slow and sensual

Q: Quickie (Thoughts on quickies) 

They happen sometimes but she doesn't like the rushed feeling and how she doesn't have time to truly pleasure you

R: Risk (Are they open to experimenting) 

She's not open to much but she's willing to try anything you come to her with

S: Stamina (How many rounds) 

You two go for 2-3 rounds that are the longer side

T: Toys 

Magda has a strap she uses often but she does love just using her mouth to make you cum

U: Unfair (Do they like the tease)

She teases you some but she mainly sticks to praising you

V: Volume (How loud are they? What sounds do they make) 

Magda isn't the loudest but she does make low groans here and there when she's fucking you

W: Wild Card (Random HC)

Magda does get jealous sometimes and sex is always a bit rougher when the two of you get back home so all you can think about is her and not the person who was attempting to flirt with you

Y: Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

It's in the middle but does lean higher when you two reunite after being apart

Z: ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterward)

Magda only falls asleep after you do and after she knows you're okay

[robo-writing]

NSFW Alphabet - Barnabas Tharmr Edition

Pairing: Barnabas Tharmr/Reader Rating: Explicit, 18+, Minors DNI Author's note: Took me a while to get his manner of speech right, but I think I nailed it in the end. Warning for some more dark romance themes in this one, otherwise enjoy!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

He’s clingy, preferring to lay in bed alongside you, indulging himself in your presence. Afterwards he’ll have one of the maids run a bath for the two of you, but until then you’re not leaving the bed for anything. Whatever you need it can wait, right now Barnabas needs you by his side and nothing else.

Stubborn as anything, he pins you to the bed. “And where exactly do you think you’re going?” He asks, as if you leaving his embrace is a betrayal. You don’t get a chance to explain yourself, silenced by his lips against yours. Sweet as they are, you pull away with a laugh, pressing your fingers to his chest. “I only wish for some water, is that too much to ask?” He buries his head in your neck, nibbling at the vast expanse. “Yes, it is.” 

“It’s only a short walk away!” You laugh.

He lays his head between your chest, peeking up at you with pale blue eyes. “Far longer than I could stand to be separated from you.” An arm snakes its way to your back, pulling you ever closer. “I will summon one of the handmaidens, but until then you will stay here, with me.”

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

If you ask him to choose he will look at you like you’ve grown feathers and a tail. What do you mean favorite? He loves everything about you, he’s not so simple to prioritize one thing above another.

He’d probably say his hands, because he gets a lot done with them. The same hands he uses to cut down foes is the same ones he uses to make you cum.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He’s coming inside of you, no questions asked. Don’t try to argue with him either, he’ll just fuck you until you’re too stupid to say no. Afterwards he’ll watch it drip out of you fascinated, might even finger it back inside.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Enjoys the idea of having you sat on his cock during especially boring meetings, your moans forcing the other council members to stop and take pause at your blissful expressions, spread open in a way only he could provide.

Of course he’s far too possessive to let such a thing happen, but a man can dream.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Has experience with bedding women for the sake of pleasure, but you’re the first woman that has caught his eye in a more profound way, made a dent in his bedsheets. It’s the first time he’s felt genuine love, and it took him a while to understand those emotions.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Missionary or lotus position, close third would be cowgirl. Really anything that lets him hold you close.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Very serious, do not try anything funny. Any attempts will be met with an ache that persists for days.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Does the bare minimum in terms of shaving, but if you ever mention it he’s making it a regular habit. He’d do anything for you as long as you asked him. 

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Initially he struggled with his emotions, didn’t quite understand why his heart picked up its pace when he looked at you or why your smile could lift him from the foulest of moods. He didn’t have a name for it, but he knew that he needed you more than he needed to breathe. When he finally understood that this yearning for you was love, he was quick to express that.

The power you have over him is something so grand, so tangible he would kiss the very ground you walk on if it pleased you so. Sex with him isn’t an act, it’s devotion; sweet and simple.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

High sex drive, doesn’t jerk off. He wants every single drop of his seed in you and you only. He had left for an excursion beyond Waloed, forced to suffer the words of politicians for hours on end. He shouldn’t have to be here, but they had insisted, wanting an answer from the king himself even if it would be the same as it always had. He had grown antsy in your absence, images of your form haunting him as he pretends to be interested in what they have to say. Days pass and he can feel a nagging in the back of his mind, wanting nothing more than to hold you in his embrace, to taste the sweat against your skin, feel you call out his name in bliss. He lies awake at night missing you, erection pressed against his sleepwear uncomfortably, but makes no move to relieve himself. 

No, he wouldn’t dare, not without you. A week passes, and he is finally returned to his love, your familiar scent putting him at ease the moment he steps into your shared bedchambers. He can never tire of this, of how you so easily bring him at peace.

You jump into his arms without hesitation, kissing him tenderly. “Welcome back, my lord.” There’s a coy smile on your face, a hand gingerly playing with his hair. “I’ve missed you.” He admires you, a familiarity in your gaze. He is glad to know he was not the only one left wanting. He picks you up unceremoniously, walking to the bed. “As have I, my love. Allow me to show you just how much.”

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Lingerie - Seeing you dressed in the finest of lace is a gift in and of itself, and being able to rip off the wrapping makes that gift even more enjoyable.

Body Worship - You are his queen, expected to be treated as such. 

Mirrors - An extension of body worship, he will watch eagerly as you shake on his lap, a single hand placed at your neck. “Do not turn your eyes away, my beloved. I should have you witness yourself, as I do.”

Choking - Either giving or receiving, depends on what he’s in the mood for that night. Sado-Masochism - Let’s be real here, this is Barnabas we’re talking about. The man lives for battle, both in and out of the bedroom. Treat him rough, he can handle it.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

The bedroom, occasionally the throne room if he’s feeling bold. Also has a tendency to drag you away to the nearest empty room if you’re looking extra desirable that day. It’s not like anyone will complain after all, he is the king.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

A single look from you is enough to get his blood boiling. 

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything involving bodily fluids, or anything that would permanently scar you. He may be a masochist but he’s not unsanitary, nor is he evil.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

As mentioned before, his only experience with sex prior was whatever woman would occupy his bed when he felt like it. He used to think he had a preference for receiving because that’s all he knew until that point, focused on his own pleasure above all, but you quickly changed his view.

His mouth moves against your pussy enthralled, his eyes dark with lust. You mewl for him, a beautiful sound that stokes a fire inside, brings him closer and closer to completion without a single touch.

You squirm under him, unable to handle his ministrations even if he knows you crave them so. His two hands lock you in place, no room to push away as he devours every last drop of your lust.

It runs over his chin, spills against your plush thighs, and he makes no move to remove himself. He indulges, gorges himself on your taste until he’s satisfied, and returns for seconds greedily.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

On a good day he’ll drag on for hours, teasing you until you cry, on a bad day he’ll fuck you until his fingers bruise your skin and your legs give out. Depends on how annoying his royal advisors are.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Yes, but not too often. He’s aware of his reputation, but he will throw it out the window in a heartbeat if he sees the brand new lingerie set he’s bought you peeking out beneath your dress.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Yes, without a doubt. 

The cold bite of steel sends a shudder down your spine. Ever so slowly, the flat of the blade moves against your naked chest, to your stomach, and finds its target at the fine line of your panties.

Barnabas watches you mesmerized, how your body reacts to the danger, goosebumps forming as he moves his blade across your skin. You don’t move away from him, even when the blade moves back to line your throat.

“So well behaved,” he whispers, pressing the blade further against your skin. “You would trust me with your very life?”

You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding. “I would.”

You bite your lip when you feel his knee pressed into your pussy, knife still at your throat. 

“And what if my hand were to slip?”

It never would of course. Barnabas is far too experienced to let such a thing happen.

A quick flick of his wrist and your underwear is left in pieces, the blade now lying flat against your mound. His eyes roam across your body, a hint of something sadistic rising when he sees your reaction.

You tremble, forcing yourself to stay still lest the knife truly hurts you. Even as you try your best, he can feel you just barely moving against his knee, still seeking pleasure.

A whimper, shaky hands moving to rest at his chest. “Please, keep going.”

A wicked grin passes across his face. “As you wish.”

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

You can try to beg him to stop, the key word here is “try.” Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t listen.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Assuming this is a modern AU, he’ll entertain a buttplug or a vibrator. If ropes count as toys,  then those too. 

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Damn near fucking evil. His dick could be throbbing in his pants, ready to make a mess of himself but he will hold back just to draw out your pleasure one more time, just one more time dear— It’s never just one more time.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Grunter, not very loud. Would rather listen to your cries instead.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Loves to teach you how to defend yourself. He was over the moon when you asked him to hold a sword for the first time, and now you’ve gotten to the point where you can parry a blow. Not only is it an excuse to spend time with you, but he can have the peace of mind to know that if you’re forced to fight, you could handle yourself. 

You would never have to, of course, because he’d never leave your side long enough for anyone to harm you. Any fool bold enough to try would be unrecognizable after the fact, but he’d be a liar if he said the image of a sword in your hand wasn’t arousing.

The both of you stand in the courtyard, not a soul around save for the birds that fly overhead. You hold your sword in a strong grip, despite your exhaustion, while Barnabas has barely broken a sweat. Inexperienced as you are there is a spark in you, one that may yet grow into a wildfire with the right training.

“You have been practicing without me, I can see it in your stance.” He muses, eyeing your weakened body.

To anyone else it may seem a mockery, but you knew better. You raise your sword in front of your body, lips curling into a grin.

“Do you think I’ll be able to defeat you now?”

He shakes his head in amusement. “A Dominant you are not, but I will make a fine swordswoman out of you yet.” (As an added bonus, I also think he would love bringing you the most lavish gifts! Perfumes, jewelry, the softest fabrics straight from the Dhalmekian Republic, he enjoys spoiling you. Anything for his queen.)

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

6.1 inches, uncut, slightly curved upwards, veiny. Always hits your gspot without fail.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Less of a sex drive and more like he’s ready to please you if you so wish. You would only have to ask, and sometimes you don’t have to, he can tell. The two of you are sitting in the throne room, side by side as he gives an audience with a member of royalty.

You’ve been eyeing him all day, sneaking a glance every time he speaks. You shouldn’t bother him, he has enough on his plate as sole ruler of Waloed, so instead you let your imagination run amok. Broad shoulders and strong arms, large hands that always know what you need and how you need it. Maybe he’d tease you, or maybe he’d fuck you until his name is the only thing you can scream.

Gods, just thinking about him makes your core ignite. Your focus is broken when the man rises from the floor, leaving the room. Had you been daydreaming that long? Your confusion is further increased when Barnabas motions for his personal guard to leave the room. “I would have a moment to myself,” He waves towards the large oak doors. “See that I’m not interrupted.” Wordlessly they file out, and only when he’s certain no one remains does he turn toward you. “How long have you been left wanting?” Your eyes widen. You try to deny it, but a hand at your chin stops you. “I could feel it, your gaze,” His hand moves lower, tracing against your collarbone, then grabbing your neck as he speaks lowly. “I can see right through you, desperate little thing you are.” He pulls you toward him, leaving your seat and moving into his lap without hesitation. “Tell me what has preoccupied your mind so, what you need.” You shiver, a hand slowly moving up your bare thigh, higher and higher. “You, Barnabas.” Pleased with your answer, those same large hands remove your underwear within seconds. “Then you may have me.”

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Doesn’t sleep, enjoys watching you sleep peacefully. He'll stroke your hair and whisper as sleep claims you. "My beautiful queen, forever and always."

[thetravelingmaster]

Musings and Safeties: Submission is Voluntary

And as a hypnotic subject or a general submissive, if you find yourself in a scene where the 'Dom' or 'Tist' doesn't get that, kindly have the presence of spirit to tell them to fuck off.

You always have to remember that it's YOUR surrender... YOUR submission...

Even if you are into non-con play, covert hypnosis, forced submission play or unaware brainwashing, always know that YOU are the one that needs to agree to it. Anyone that tries to convince you otherwise has no business enjoying your submission.

I say all this because someone asked me to better explain why I stated, in my previous post, that "the subject controls the hypnosis they allow the hypnotist to perform".

Broken down in simple terms, it simply means that as a subject, you should ALWAYS have the last say as to what you are made to experience. You should ALWAYS have a way to wake up or stop a scene. On the surface, you might be completely powerless under your hypnotist's dominance, but that doesn't mean that on the deeper, true level of your interaction, you aren't in control.

Or at least, if you are in a healthy scene, you should be and if you are not, that's a MAJOR red flag.

It can be a little confusing and counter intuitive, I know...

You need to think about it as if you were in a BDSM type relationship. In Dominance/submission play, the one that ultimately holds the reins is the sub. Meaning that they are the ones giving themselves to the Dom. They have all the power when it comes to limits and what they allow the Dom to do with them. They CHOOSE to partake in a power-exchange that places them beneath the other.

In that same sense, a hypnosis subject isn't a 'victim' of the trance even if some subjects love to experience covert inductions or 'forced' inductions. Just like in BDSM, the scene you are doing might appear, on the surface to be wholly non-consensual. But that's JUST the surface.

It's the fantasy you both chose to enjoy together and at the end of the day in your heart of hearts, it was still your choice to do it.

The subject ALLOWS the hypnotist to take control.

The subject ALLOWS the hypnotist to do a certain list of things to them.

In hypno-kink a safe practice to use when you begin to explore is to make sure you always have a way to stop a scene or session. Like, for example, using a safe word.

Safe words can be used by the subject to bring themselves out of trance. It doesn't matter what they are. The important thing is to spend some time with your hypnotist so they can implant that idea in your mind in a way that remains always accessible to you even if you are deeply entranced.

If your hypno-play is less intense or doesn't flirt as much with the non-consent part of the kink, then another way you can stay in control is to use setup that enables you to communicate with your hypnotist without waking up.

A typical example of this would be to use a color code: Green means all is well, yellow means to slow down or change directions and red means stop.

THAT is what I meant when I said that a subject controls the hypnosis.

If you are with a hypnotist that can't be bothered to accept this, then it is another MAJOR RED flag.

We are all here to enjoy the power play hypno-kink offers (as well as Dominance/submissive or BDSM play), but it's very important to remember that THAT power play is only possible through mutual consent.

And were there isn't consent, there is abuse and in some cases, a felony.

So again, if you find yourself experiencing your kink with someone that can't understand that the 'Dom' or 'Tist' isn't the one that is truly in control, then kindly tell them to FUCK off.

TM

[satancopilotsmytardis]

Chapter 4! Yay!

Oop, was only a matter of time before something like this happens, I suppose. Interesting though that Shigaraki didn't smell aroused until things became physical.

Dabi has a problem, lol. He did not expect for that to happen. Too bad he will never be able to get rid of that image again. I hope it doesn't take too long for them to talk though, reading this feels even more voyeristic than any of your other fics. Probably because we're kind of experiencing this from Dabi's POV.

Oh, Dabi is down bad. He did not realize it before, I'm assuming, but he definitely is.

The fact that Compress enters the apartment by picking the lock is very funny. They get over it pretty fast, lol. Well, if you're living with other people, sometimes you just have to deal.

And Dabi only eats because he doesn't want Shigaraki to worry. He feels so bad for what he did and he's so scared that he will have to leave when he finally has a home with people that care for him. He feels like he ruined it.

Oh, this reminds me of the fact that, if Dabi stays a cat for long enough, he will forget that he used to be human. He'll attempt that, won't he? He'll erase a part of himself just to make the League happy. Because Onigiri will stay but Dabi will be dead. Called it.

Wait wait wait wait. What happened with Muscular?? (Good to know he didn't get accepted though, maybe even died, depending on how mean he was to Onigiri)

Oh, AfO wants to get rid of Onigiri. I bet he thinks he's distracting for Shigaraki. Setting Moonfish on him is a good move, though it won't endear him to Tomura.

Cat instincts! It's kind of cute how his immediate reaction is to run towards Tomura. But Dabi is hurt and he already said he can't shift while bleeding. He hasn't shifted in a while, this might become seriously dangerous to him. If he takes too long with healing, he might lose himself.

Dabi is hurt, might actively be dying, and he's still worried about Tomura. Tomura's worry hurts worse. Tomura kneeling in glass shards is wrong. Dabi is willing to give up everything for Tomura. His revenge. His freedom. His mind. His life. Everything.

"Okay. Dabi will stay alive for that. He can't let Duster down like he has everyone else who's cared about him." Ouch??? What the fuck??? Banger line, but oooof.

I'm really, really glad that Shigaraki has the League in this one and that they are as close as they are. I don't think he'd have been able to bring himself to eat otherwise, not when the kitchen surely makes him think of his cat.

Toga is totally trying to get Shigaraki and Keiro together. At the same time, Dabi finally acknowledges his jealousy! Though he represses it, like he does with all inconvenient human emotions.

Ooooh, Shigaraki snaps at AfO! Yesss! God, this is amazing to read. He's completely right about what he says, too.

Yes, Dabi, AfO does actually want Shigaraki isolated badly enough to put a hit on his cat. Because while Omigiri is a cat, he's also the reason Shigaraki is becoming more considerate. Shigaraki is calmer now. He's thinking for himself and talking back and pushing for things to go his way and AfO hates that. He can't control Tomura like that.

Shigaraki calls in Stain to help them train because none of the others are as good with blades! And he's setting up fail-saves in case things go south with AfO. I love that. It's becoming more and more obvious that he's so much more confident than he was at that point in canon and he deserves it more than anything.

Lol, Stain is going to train the two people out of the League who are his biggest fans. Well, outside of Dabi, who would never act that foolishly, lol.

I see what you mean with sibling energy. Shigaraki wants to impress Stain, wants his approval, even if he would never admit it. And they bicker!!

Okay, the talking buttons are cute as fuck. Dabi finally accepts that he loves Tomura.

Shigaraki's realization comes so much earlier here! Yes!! Keep your people safe!!! I like that Shigaraki has someone to trust in now. Sure, he trusts the League, but he's also their leader. He doesn't have the same amount of responsibility for Stain. Stain is a more experienced villain who doesn't want to use and manipulate Shigaraki and it's good for Tomura to have someone like that in his life.

Stain moves in as a catsitter! Very amusing.

Oh, Stain knows. This will be interesting. Does Stain know Shifters exist, or does he think Dabi has a shapeshifting quirk? It would be cool if Stain is a shifter and can help Dabi out, since he never had anyone help him with that part of himself.

Thanks for the chapter! I'm excited to see where this goes next.

Thank you so much for this comment!!!! This chapter was definitely a beefy boi!

Dabi is really Going Through It in this one trying to deal with his emotions, but we all know that boy has so many emotions he can barely contain himself lol

And AFO being so ice cold to just kill Shigaraki's cat felt so in-character. Muscular took some damage but he did survive his encounter with Shig unlike Moonfish.

Stain is gonna be a good influence on Shigaraki even if they have to kill each other to make it happen. And I guess he'll be something to Dabi as well...

Thank you again for commenting! 🖤

[avastyetwats]

Until The Sun Falls From The Sky

Continued from here. @izzyeffinhands

Stede almost wondered if he was dreaming. It wouldn't be the first time if so. He didn't sleep often, or long, but when he did, Israel occupied his dreams as of late. Since they mated those few nights ago. Since Israel bred him, knotted him, and bit him - claiming the vampire as his. Something he could not take back, no matter how many times the werewolf wished it so. But deep down, Stede was sure he didn't truly want to. Because not only did he find himself a new home with the vampire, with it came luxuries and pleasure. Both which he likely had never seen or experienced before. And admittedly, Stede Bonnet had not known true sexual pleasure until meeting the werewolf. He's fucked before, yes, but with Israel it was oh so different. It was... carnal and erotic and intimate and even romantic. He hadn't been with anyone else in years and now he had no desire to. His desire was for Israel and Israel only.

And now it was his turn to take him. It was his turn to fuck and ravish and breed. Not that he could truly breed him, but they could pretend. It had become a kink for them, especially when Israel was the one doing the mounting, but now it was Stede's turn. Now it was his turn to breed the beast. It was his turn to pump him full of his seed in hopes that his stomach would grow swollen with his child. Oh, god, the thought alone had the vampire throbbing inside of the werewolf's tight cunt, his hands moving all over his body just to feel him. His sides, his back, his chest, his thighs. He just needed to touch him, to feel him, to enjoy him, thus why he wasn't moving just yet. No. He wanted to feel the wet warmth of his cunt squeezing around his cock, sucking him in and swallowing him deep. He wanted to feel the way his walls throbbed and hugged around his cock, begging him to stay, begging him to fill him full.

So when Izzy spoke with annoyance in his voice, the vampire hummed. "Do not act as though you're not enjoying this." He tells him, running his cool hands up his back, his body leaning over his which makes his cock shift just a little. He puts his lips to his ear and practically purrs against it. "The way your cunt squeezes around my cock tells me otherwise, my pet." He murmurs, his tone seductive and his voice barely above a whisper. "You want to be fucked within an inch of your life, I'm so certain of it. You want to be filled with my cum until it spills out of you. You want to be bred like the bitch that you are, your stomach growing swollen with my child." His hand touches his stomach as he nuzzles just below his ear and down to his neck where his pulse is the strongest. He can feel the blood pumping within his veins, his heart working harder because of the adrenaline and pleasure. It makes him all the more tempting. He breathes in his delicious scent just before the tips of his fangs press to his skin, fighting the urge to sink his fangs and claim him the way he was claimed those nights ago.

He then pulls his hips back and slams in without warning, groaning loudly at the intense pleasure that shoots through his entire being. He holds onto him, whining and moaning against the wolf's neck before he pulls back and slams into him again. "Am I wrong, my darling?" He questions, pulling back and thrusting hard once more, this time holding himself there. "Tell me you want me, Israel." He growls against his neck, dragging his fangs up his jawline, his other hand finding his cock and giving it a squeeze at the same time he presses himself harder inside of him, as deep as he could possibly be.

[capricorn-season]

From Trans to TERF: My experience as a desister

Hazel

9 September 2023No Comments

I’m Hazel. I’m a 31 year old woman, who was diagnosed as autistic in adulthood. At age 17, I experienced Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria. Here is my story.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self harm and suicide.

Background

Looking back, I can see how several things in my childhood and teenage years contributed to the fact that I ended up experiencing gender dysphoria.

My mother was the type to relish the fact she had a daughter. She wanted to dress me up in pretty dresses, with bows in my hair and frilly socks. If you know anything about autistic sensory issues and Pathological Demand Avoidance, you can probably begin to understand why being pushed to dress in uncomfortable, excessively girly clothes would be unpleasant to an autistic girl. I started to eventually reject everything ‘girly’. I refused to wear dresses or skirts – it was jeans and t-shirts exclusively, even at weddings. I rejected the colour pink, despised the idea of make-up, and ended up in friendships with exclusively boys. It didn’t help that my mother would often tell me that I ‘should have been born a boy’ in reference to my gender non-conformity.

Feeling ‘not like the other girls’ (and not in the quirky, attention seeking way) is quite common in autistic girls (and women). Being autistic in general can make you feel like you don’t fit in, that you’re different to everyone around you. I didn’t ‘feel’ like a girl, because the girls around me felt so alien to me. I didn’t relate to them at all. In my early teens, I used to look at them like odd sheep, all with the same hair, clothes, bags etc. They were the weird ones. But by my mid-to-late teens, I felt like the weird one. I didn’t fit in. I didn’t feel like a ‘normal’ girl. It is easy to see how, when introduced to trans ideology, it would be so easy for me to latch onto it, convincing myself that I ‘should’ have been a boy.

My peer group didn’t help. It’s not easy, being an atypical teen. I was told to ‘stay in my gender’, amongst other hurtful things. I couldn’t make friends with girls, and I didn’t feel like I could fit in with my guy friends, because I wasn’t one of them. I wanted to dress ‘like a boy’ and act ‘like a boy’, without strange looks, bullying or criticism from my college classmates. Sadly, it didn’t seem possible. It felt like the only way I could live how I wanted was to become male.

Period of Dysphoria

My period of acute gender dysphoria began in September 2009, 3.5 months short of my 18th birthday. It was all-encompassing. I felt like I needed to transition NOW to ease my dysphoria, otherwise I would surely end up committing suicide. It didn’t take long to come out to my then-boyfriend, my mother, and some of my friends. It was easily one of the worst periods of my life. I wouldn’t have listened to anyone who told me that I was wrong about how I felt. I was self-harming daily. The urges to end my life were intrusive. I really did feel like I was just surviving day-to-day, trying to stave off the urges to commit suicide by imagining a future where I’d be on hormones and have surgery. A future where I would feel like myself. My mental state ended with my mother telling me that I was ‘fucked up’ and ‘not welcome’ under her roof until I’d had psychiatric help. (My mother was emotionally abusive and we haven’t been on speaking terms since this happened, but that’s another story.)

I cut my hair very short, and I started to dress more ‘like a boy’ than I ever had previously. I’d never been entirely comfortable with my body, but now I couldn’t stand it. I’d sleep in boxers, but the presence of my breasts made me want to die. Transition, and surviving long enough to get that far, was the only thing on my mind.

My suicidal feelings lifted a bit after my mother kicked me out, and I went to live with my dad. Her emotional abuse undoubtedly contributed to my depression. The gender dysphoria persisted for about a month after that. It actually dissipated on night, along with my depression, almost like magic. I was home alone, and my plan was to get into the bathtub with my self-harm blade, and cut myself deeply, with the intent of bleeding out. Instead, I felt my depression and my dysphoria lift, and I got out of the bath feeling ‘female’ again. The next day, I went shopping and bought myself some feminine clothes. There was definitely some kind of shift that happened inside of me that night, one that I’m still not able to explain.

I still occasionally feel ‘male’ even to this day. But it’s a feeling that I can easily shake. With age has come the ability to not care what people think of how I dress or how I behave. I now accept my body for what it is, and I no longer believe my body parts or my chromosomes should have any impact on how I should live my life. I am an adult human female, but by no means do I have to act like a stereotype.

The Depo Shot

One thing that has always stood out to me, is the fact that the onset of my gender dysphoria was exactly around the time I was weaning off the depo contraceptive injection. I’d only had one injection (intended to last 3 months) but the side effects were too much for me to handle, so I opted not to get the next shot when it was due. Throughout my gender dysphoria, my hormones were still messed up from the shot. I know this because I wrote in my transition journal that my period was late, and I was worried I may be pregnant, and about the impact that that would have on my dysphoria.

David Ludden Ph.D. at Psychology Today describes Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria as occurring in adolescence, the overwhelming majority of which are females who had experienced no signs of dysphoria prior to puberty. It makes me wonder just how many of them experienced gender dysphoria starting around the time they started hormonal contraceptives. It’s by no means something I’ve studied, it’s just a thought that I’ve never been able to shake. If anyone has any relevant experience, I’d love for you to comment below, or to contact me on Xwitter.

Experience With Hormone Blockers

In my late 20s, I sought out treatment for Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. This led to me being administed Zoladex, a GnRH Analogue (gonadotropin releasing hormone agonist) to stop my menstrual cycles. It is also referred to as chemical menopause.

GnRH Analogues are also used as puberty blockers for children with gender dysphoria. I want to share why I, as someone who has actually been on this medication, finds this practice to be horrific.

The side effects of Zoladex can be brutal. I felt so horribly depressed and suicidal in just the one month I stayed on it that I knew I couldn’t let myself have another injection. I felt so awful about myself – my self esteem was through the floor. Life felt pointless. That month was very difficult to survive. The thought of pre-pubescent children being given these very powerful medications chills me. Depression is listed as a side effect on the patient leaflet. Other side effects include loss of bone density leading to an increased risk of osteoporosis, reduced heart function, blood clots, liver problems and psychosis.

Where I’m At Now

How do I see gender now? I suppose I would call myself a gender atheist. I am now comfortable with the fact that how I choose to present myself to the world has nothing to do with what genitals I have. I am an adult human female, but by no means do I have to act like a stereotype.

I used to be a trans ally, even until very recently. However, the way things are going with the Trans Radical Activist community has me concerned. As a feminist, I despise the fact that trans-identified males are taking away from women at every turn. In sports, in private spaces, even in prisons and women’s shelters. As a woman who has been abused, I do not want men accepted into places where I am vulnerable, such as public bathrooms. Women have fought hard over many years for their safety and rights. I find it horrific to see those rights and safe spaces being ripped away by men who want to play dress-up. Women have always been oppressed. Only now, men are allowed to dress up as us, and oppress us further. If we have anything to say about it, if we are uncomfortable, we are labelled as bigots, TERFs, and often faced with violence and death threats.

The damage the trans community are doing to the LGB community is also very apparent. LGB people have fought for acceptance and the right to live peacefully for years. Their work is now being undone by garish, loud and violent trans-identified males, who have tarnished the Pride flag with their behaviour. Lesbians are being called bigots now because they refuse to sleep with trans-identified men. #LGBwithouttheT is now trending more than ever. I do hope that LGB people can protect the progress they have made, before too much damage has been done to their reputation.

The reaction from trans people to my speaking out as a desister has been… Interesting, to say the least. These are the same people who would have told me, aged 17, that if I felt like I was trans, then I was trans. The same people who would shout from the rooftops that only an individual gets to say what their gender identity is, and anyone who questions it is a bigot. Those people now tell me that I was ‘never really trans’, which is a phrase often used to silence desisters and detransitioners. It seems that these trans activists believe that anyone who desists or detransitions was ‘never really trans to start with’, a logic would conveniently put the detransition rate of actual trans people at 0%. I’ve also been told (just yesterday, actually) that I wasn’t a real person, and that my Xwitter account was fake, created just to discredit and harass trans people (despite my profile being 3 years old, and me mostly posting about cats). Trans-identified people are determined not to acknowledge the existence of desisters and detransitioners, so much so that they will deny what is right in front of them.

Quotes From My Transition Diary

I want to finish with some quotes from my Transition Journal. I hope that these will give some insight as to what went on in my head, as a 17-year-old autistic ‘trans’ kid.

‘I felt like I should have been dressed like all of the other guys there, and just didn’t feel right dressed as a girl. And the more masculine I dress, the more comfortable I feel. I wore a shirt and tie to college the other day and felt great until people started questioning me. And it feels like the only way I can be myself without being questioned is by being a boy… Which is fucking scary.‘

‘My entire life I’ve never worn make-up wilfully. I dressed entirely like a boy from the age of 14. I cut my hair short in January. All of this just makes me feel so much more comfortable. And it’s so hard making friends because they girls don’t like me and the guys don’t really understand why I am as I am. I’ve been told “stay in your own gender” and other things but I really just do what I feel comfortable with. I feel like everything would be so much fucking easier and so fucking right if I was a boy. I’d just be able to fit in fine, be friends with who I want, wear whatever I want, without being fucking questioned every step of the way.‘

‘I’m not a girl. Just looking at me – how could anyone have watched me grow up and think I was meant to be female? I’ve never been girly, I’ve never wanted to wear skirts or dresses or make-up… I’ve always wanted to play the drums and make male friends and play football… I remember wanting to be on the school football team in year 4 and in year 7, and always hating the idea of being on a girls team. An all-girls school has always sounded like a personal hell to me, and I always hated doing girls sports in PE. I remember wanting to join the boys PE class, too. It’s always been there, I’ve just never been conscious of it until recently.’

[persephoneflouwers]

I was letting it slide, but since Louis was seen with this cardigan…

I really can’t sleep on it. So there you have my 2.25 am rant on

Louis and the theory of pleasure in FITF era

This huge parallel post was born yesterday morning on the train to work after the first listening of Saturday (as this freaking out post shows). I don’t want to be boring, but also I fucking love everything about it so… I’m not even saying Louis really knows this! It’s just my interpretation of his lyrics given the background studies I have (I spent all my last year of high school on Leopardi). It’s also fun to analyse concepts like this. I think it’s the first time ever I find something lowkey pessimistic in Louis’ art. He’s usually very positive, that’s why I would have never imagined his lyrics could related to Leopardi’s, the most famous Italian poet (probably second only to Dante), basically known for his pessimistic and lowkey depressing philosophical view (he wasn’t for me, he was just a sad gay lover).

To give a bit of context, I don’t know if any of you is familiar with Schopenhauer, but there was this debate on how deep the influence of Leopardi in his theories (or the other way around?) was. The main concept in Leo philosophy was indeed pleasure. He wrote plenty about it in a book called Zibaldone (July 1820). Here’s some extracts if you want to have a read :)

“all the ... sources of unhappiness make us inevitably and essentially wretched because our nature makes it so, and cannot change”;

“Given that man never properly experiences true pleasure, it follows that he never feels he is alive for any length of time without experiencing displeasure or boredom. And as boredom itself is pain and displeasure, it follows that for as long as man feels life, he also feels displeasure and pain.”

The chain of reasoning behind what Leopardi calls his “theory of pleasure” is seductively simple. Every person, indeed every living thing, is endowed by nature with infinite self-love: to exist is the same thing as to love oneself. This is why every creature naturally seeks its own good, which is nothing more or less than pleasure. In all our actions, including those that appear selfless, we are in search of some kind of pleasure, even if it is only the pleasure of self-esteem. But while our desire for pleasure is infinite, our mental and physical organs are capable only of limited and temporary pleasures; and this mismatch between desire and capacity dooms us to perpetual dissatisfaction. There is no pleasure big or total enough to quench, even momentarily, our thirst for pleasure. But since the absence of pleasure is pain, it follows that we are always in pain, even when we might believe otherwise. And if life is nothing but an unbroken experience of pain, it would be better for every human being never to have been born. (X)

Essentially from his poetic we can extract a few take home messages:

Humankind has an innate tendency to pleasure

Pleasure is temporary and pretty often an illusion. Only the ability, proper to human brains, to simulate the realisation of pleasure in mortal forms (arts) give us the impression we find pleasure, but as Leo would say soon enough humans realise that “the waiting for pleasure is the pleasure it self”, cause pleasure as it is is only as volatile as the idea of it.

As pleasure is ghost (!!!!!!) you can’t properly meet, what’s very real is the pain surrounding it. Schopenhauer would say “life is a pendulum swinging from a moment of pain to another with little moments of pleasure in between”.

Hence pleasure IS pain. You can’t separate them and you can’t have one without the other.

How’s all of this relevant in Louis music though?

This all huge embarrassment of a rant clicked when I was listening to Saturdays. Specifically the lines:

We always used to say

“Saturdays take the pain away”

But nobody stays the same

My first reaction was to stare the guy in front of me on the train to the point he got scared and I got tears in my eyes. But why Saturdays among all the 7 days? It’s definitely a concept in Leo’s poetry. Leo wrote this poem called “il sabato del villaggio”, a classic. Here you can find the translation if you are into poetry, I 100% recommend!

Saturdays are the symbol of youth, dreams, hopes, the antsy feeling of celebration and the excitement of waiting for the good things to happen. On the contrary Sundays are the symbols of the harsh reality, the end of the party, the adulthood, the concrete fall of every illusion. Living in a Saturday haze means to leave in a perpetual moment of pleasing illusion, but that’s not possible because Sundays are gonna come sooner or later. I also enjoy so much the way Louis narrates stories through his songs. He’s so good at describing moments. That’s what basically happens in sabato del villaggio.

Anyway I don’t know what I wanted to say here. It’s 3.58 AM and I should get some sleep, but I was so excited about this! Again this is just a parallel and I’m not saying it’s a reference or whatever. Even if I think Louis knows some Italian (i mean why not, his husband does and they both love italy so why not) I wouldn’t go that far with the knowledge of the italian literature. I just love finding parallels with stuff I know and I’ve studied in other artists art. It’s what we study for after all <3

[kinkyprincesssarah]

Some real talk about my identity here. Also, a depression, and a selfkill trigger warning.

The question I get asked by a lot of strangers, whoever knows that I have transitioned is: "How do you know?" Or "How did you find out?"

I say smth, but it is not completely the true story. Truth is, when I was 16/17, I read an unalive myself letter on Tumblr from a trans girl (I still know her name and I also have this letter saved on my PC. Her situation should be talked about, an important matter, but I won't share the letter publicly as I think this can also motivate others to the same actions or at least motivate to some self-harm. If you read this and struggle because of such dark places and this text makes it worse: Stop reading, now it is the time to call your local mental health hotline) and was able to relate as depression from puberty (and period) hit me hard. This letter is the reason why I started to think about being FtM. I was scared of pregnancy, I was scared of the role my sex had in society. My family wasn't a healthy one, I was scared of them. Bad mental health, little support, more trauma, and simply a lot of fear and deep loneliness, I was looking for where I belonged. I thought that I had found my solution for those problems in this letter and this has brought me to the point where I am now.

So I thought of regretting starting T, which I did for a while. But I probably also never tried dick without it, to be honest, so I am fine with how it is. I probably would have stayed as a depressed, man-hating lesbian without it. Maybe not. Maybe I would have changed otherwise, who knows? But I probably wouldn't have this almost 180° turnaround especially so quickly. Would I do it again? No, there are other ways. But I am also not regretting it as it brought me a lot of fun, too, and it made me to the person I am now.

Truth be told, I see myself as way more feminine since I started T. My boy facade dropped more and more, also with each sexual action I experienced. So, I guess I'll somewhat detrans sooner or later. If trans, I see myself as more non-binary than FtM. I already used to before I read this selfkill letter. But now also way more feminine than I used to back then.

It turns me on so much if a hetero guy tells me he would fuck me. Says a lot about how he sees me. And if he "misgenders and deadnames" me for real ... oh dear God. Never had the experience irl until 2 days ago, but now I know how it is and I love it. If you told my 17 y.o. me about the situation I am in now, "he" wouldn't believe it.

Emotionally I am already taking steps back. I did a lot, to be honest, and not just because of kink reasons. Kink is the way I can express this side in me. Socially I didn't, medically I didn't continue my therapy for transition for 5 years. After 6 years of T, I finally gathered all the documents for the top surgery, but I won't do it.

Guess those thoughts just needed to get out for once.

[clawbehavior]

Hello, I hope you are having a lovely day/night 💞🌷🏵️🍵

For the ao3 wrapped:

11,12,15,18

omg these asks led me on a trip down memory lane and made me so excited for my biggest WIP (which has also been a pain in my ass), so tysm for sending them anon ❤️❤️🙏

11. What work took you the longest to write?

hands down 'everything everywhere all at once', my modern au where gaon drops out of law school when his parents die and falls for their private money lender, kyh, against his better instincts. here's the funny thing: i intended to complete in one one week with 3 chapters published in 3 days!! i started it in January 2023, nearly a year ago. 

i love this story so much. i wanted to write a gentle kyh for gaon so badly, but that's difficult to do for canon unless i wrote them post-canon. so i made an angsty au. this story was also my first true foray into FF writing on a03 years and years after i had put content creation aside, and the story ended up becoming a gateway to a totally new side of TDJ fandom. people share so many beautiful ideas about the lawful family in their story comments that fic writing feels like a rich conversation. so many times i have written gahan one way to read somebody's thoughts in the comments and go ahhhh i didn't even think of that. hearing people's perspectives has been such a rewarding and crucial piece of writing bc i am a person who works best when sounding ideas off another. 

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

straight for the heart, lmao. i have three, all 95 per cent ready for publication, in that the story is fully written out and the dialogue is completely polished in some areas but i am missing a key part that's critical for bringing the story together. it's too clunky basically. 

for example, when i was writing 'i hope you are lonely' the sex tape fic, i had everything written except a single scene: i couldn't figure out how gaon publicly responded to the tape. this was a crucial part of the story because his emotion would set the tone for how comfortable he felt expressing sexual desire for yohan and thus the progression of their relationship. was he hurt and afraid? angry and sexually frustrated? wanting revenge or to move on? and how did all those emotions shape what he asked yohan for, a man who would give him whatever he wanted. so this nearly complete draft was sitting in my GD for weeks until a reader asked me when i was updating and while i was typing out everything above just how i wrote it for you some part of my brain suddenly woke up and came up with a solution. i published the fic the next day. 

all this to say that the 3 stories i have lined up for publication are experiencing the same thing. basically polished except for oooooone thing. i need to tease out what a character feels about a specific event to successfully build the tension until it ratchets up to unbearable levels and needs to be released right the fuck now, i.e. theyre going to talk about it or fuck it out or whatever. but until that piece comes to me....these fics remain in the drafts. who knows tho, maybe after this a03 wrapped my ADHD brain will pop back in and do it's darned job. 

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

all of them! i don't publish a multi chap unless i have the ending written. otherwise it stays a oneshot. rn i am excited for i hope you are lonely, elevator troubles, and everything everywhere all at once.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

isaac! i actually didn't realize this until you asked me in concrete terms, so thanks for helping me articulate the writing block i am having. it's the kang isaac in my money lender au. he does something that has significant consequences but needs plausible deniability for the story to work. i can't nail down why he does it tho. he meddles, and he's foolish and he causes trouble but not vindictively or deliberately. his heart is in the right place, but how do i write him without overly abusing the trope of the good guy who bumbled his way into something wrong? now that i'm asking myself this specific question, i may come up with an answer. 

thinking through this was loads of fun and a perfect way to spend lunch break pfft. you have yourself a good weekend 🎉🎉🥳🎉🎊🎉🥳

[khaleesiofalicante]

Dani I need to vent about something. I hope I'm not intruding.

My college just started and while my social life is thriving and it's a lot of fun, there are so many things that are so fucking toxic. There are all these customs and rules that people adhere too when it comes to seniors.

Like we have to call our seniors sir and ma'am and wish them whenever we run into them. And apparently we're not supposed to ask their names directly and we can't look them in the eye.

And like I don't have a problem calling them sir or ma'am or wishing them or showing respect. But they scold you if you forget to do it and are so fucking rude. My friend didn't notice someone and so didn't wish her and so she asked him if he's blind or mute (derogatory). It was such a toxic thing to do and he was incredibly hurt.

This is something a lot of people have been experiencing. They even asked some of the boys to sort of bow when they wish them.

There are a lot of strict Anti Ragging rules in our college but idk if this is something that is covered by it. And these people are treating us like inferiors and are always patronizing us. It's very demeaning.

And also another of my friends didn't come today because he was sick and some seniors asked us to tell him to call them and apologize because they think he made a complaint about them (he didn't). And he's decided to stay home for a couple of days. He told me that it's because he's unwell but I think he's scared.

Also this same friend usually hangs out with girls and talks in a way that people make fun of. And a lot of people have been making derogatory comments about his gender and sexuality. When he expressed an interest to be the leader of Gender Champs (its a club about gender equality and everything else related to gender) this guy asked him 'which gender will you represent?' It's all so so hurtful and weird and toxic. Obviously not everyone is like this. But it's very hurtful when all of this happens.

Sorry if this was all too long. I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm having a great time at college and have made friends that I can really see myself having a great relationship with and there is already so much that I've learnt about it the past week and have so much that I'm looking forward to. I even attended this webinar about modern sex education that talked about a lot of things that I'm very curious about and wanted to learn (I've never had the chance to talk about any of this before with people who're from my own country and environment). And we also have to make this research project that I'm very excited about and have already started preparing for. Overall I'm having the time of my life. But this attitude of some of our seniors has been very off putting and stressful and i hope that it gets better soon and no one gets hurt.

Hey, Yana.

Thank you for telling me this. This is unfortunately way too common in many local universities in South Asia. It is 100% ragging and part of the culture. Despite the anti-ragging rules, this kind of behavior is incredibly normalized and even the lecturers and staff have accepted it as the norm. What surprises me the most is how this toxicity continues year after year and people never seem to learn from it. But I hope it will get better too.

This is not good advice but please do keep your head down and stay away from these people as much as you can. I've never found fighting these 'bullies' to be effective because it's not a behavioral issue but rather a systematic one. Having a group of friends in your uni whom you can talk to about this - and also hang out in groups so you won't be targeted or isolated by these assholes - would be helpful. But please know you are always welcome to come here and talk to me about it.

I'm really glad to hear you're having a great time otherwise and meeting a lot of like-minded people! Yay to sex education and good luck with your research project! 💙

[culttvblog]

Disciples: The Cult of TB Joshua

Content warning: cult mind control, nonconsensual sex, every kind of violence you can think of.

(I will return to The Guardians but it didn't feel right to be blogging about them with riots going on so instead here is a post I've been keeping in reserve for just such an occasion.)

It's been a while since we had a documentary and this is a truly magisterial one. It is in three parts, which I will be covering in a single blog post because I essentially have the same things to say about all three parts. It is also the most recent show I have ever written about, since it was published on the BBC News Africa YouTube channel in January 2024: obviously I'm well outside of my normal zone here but this is such an excellent documentary I really wanted it to be here.

The first part of the documentary is an extended introduction to the Synagogue Church of All Nations in Lagos and its founder, TB Joshua. It also describes at length the familiar process of cult indoctrination as described by those who have experienced it. Essentially the main question raised by the entire documentary is how one man managed to have such control over other people and why people got and remained involved.

The second part goes into detail of the bizarre psychological, personal, sexual and otherwise abusive demands that TB Joshua made on his disciples. And there's some proper fucked up shit in this part. It touches on the steps Joshua took to ensure he had the authorities on his side so that he wouldn't face any consequences.

The final part covers the collapse of the residential building at the church which made the international news and the subsequent cover-up which you all knew was coming. It describes how the 'miracles' of healing were faked for the videos released by the church. Finally those who have escaped reflect on their experience and its impact on their lives. In some ways this is the most difficult part because the ex-members have to live with the realisation that people 'healed' by TB Joshua actually died because they then stopped taking medication, and that they knew this was a scam but still took part in it.

All three parts of the documentary use the same documentary technique. The church has prolifically broadcast online and released videos, and parts of the church's own broadcasts are used, alternated with former disciples of TB Joshua describing what happened. The contrast between the propaganda (let's not beat about the bush) materials and the accounts of those who have managed to survive, is absolutely devastating.

It's also effective, because you can see why desperate or hopeful people would get drawn in to the church. We see extensive footage of people turning up with apparently advanced diseases supposedly completely cured in short order and some of the more ecstatic parts of the worship at the compound. In fact it's some of the most uncomfortable viewing you could ever see because you want to scream 'Run away' at the screen.

This documentary is also one of the few cult documentaries which adequately explains why people stay in cults, why they do the bizarre things their leaders tell them and why they don't/can't leave, because it takes us on the journey in and then describes the life inside. For example you may think that it's ridiculous to think that one man could cure HIV but this describes the vulnerabilities of those who enter and how cults keep on making greater demands after gaining people's commitment. I think this is one of the more useful things that people could be taught in schools, but hey, who am I.

As a description of indoctrination, cult brain washing and mind control, I literally can't think of a better one. This is an absolutely expert depiction of the subject, which I honestly think is unrivalled and I can't lavish enough praise on the BBC's Africa Eye team for doing this. This is a bittersweet comment because the BBC has lost its reputation for objective reporting in the UK and we have to look to Al Jazeera!

It's also very clear that TB Joshua operated the church as a scam (he's died, but the church goes on and denies that any accusations have been proved). It is a horrifying experience to see his former assistants describe how he actually clearly described it as a scam to them. How he used it for sex, power and money, and they all knew, but still did it because they couldn't get out. There are descriptions of some very twisted and kinky things in this show.

The documentary doesn't deal with the question of what should be done about the vulnerable who are taken in by scams, although the question is written all over the three hours. It's easy to feel, separated from the charismatic power of the group, to see that what was going on was clearly a scam. However what about the credulous, who would see these videos of apparent mass healings and get on the next plane to Lagos? I'm old enough to remember when it was assumed that more information or education would be the help for these people, but I think in the internet age it's apparent that more information will not stop humans being taken in. This huge question is outside the scope of the documentary, however is the enduring issue it's raised in my mind.

Another interesting issue it raises is how you would feel watching it if you are a Christian (I'm not any more). The documentary cleverly connects Joshua's presentation of his church in a direct line with other charismatic Christian churches so that it would look like it was in that current, at least until you got inside and were calling him daddy. Of course the internet is replete with Christians calling other Christians heretics, but it feels like a Christian watching this should be particularly embarrassed by it and keen to distance themselves from the Synagogue Church of All Nations as not being the real thing. I also wonder whether this documentary could be uncomfortable viewing for other people with the realisation that there is no more evidence for miracles, signs or wonders in any other church than in the Synagogue Church of All Nations. I have no idea, and I'm wondering this because normally if you search for a dodgy Christian ministry the first thing you find is lots of social media videos calling attention to its errors and dangers, but I haven't spotted many for this church. It's strange, but then the documentary describes the active violence directed at those who left and one of the women interviewed describes having to wear a hijab so as not to be killed by them. Gulp.

I think another discomfort for religious people watching this is that it's uncomfortable watching other people being taken in by a scam. However every religion is based around the existence of some sort of being who can't be seen or proved, and this show necessarily raises the question of how even less controlling religions require the customer to 'buy' something they can't see. Hands up if you're itching to comment, 'But faith...'.

I don't have a criticism. However the final part feels like it's at a different pace from the others, which have been dealing with weird cult stuff, because it's partly about the more mundane matters of covering up a building collapse. I have found myself wondering whether this part would have been better in the middle or the beginning but I can see there are disadvantages wherever you put it. As I say I can't fault the way the documentary is structured to hit you like a sledgehammer.

In summary this documentary is very difficult viewing of the way into a high control/abusive religious group and the things that people find themselves doing once they are in there. Perhaps one of the things which makes it most uncomfortable is that the things TB Joshua are things which have all happened in 'mainstream' churches as well; for example it is now very clear that one of the ways sexual abusers seek respectability as a cover is in religion and in grooming people so that they won't believe accusations. This is also not about some strange fringe group years ago, but is about a church which is currrently still operating internationally, which adds to this discomfort. There is a further level of discomfort in watching this documentary because it necessarily makes us wonder how we would have behaved in the situation of the interviewees: if we wouldn't have been taken in the smugness is uncomfortable, and the thought of being taken in is horrifying. Watching this documentary is almost like having survivor guilt without even being there.

An excellent and masterly documentary by the BBC.

Image credit: Getty Images/Pius Ekomi.

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[haunting-of]

Vincent waited on top of a hospital vending machine, of all places.

He smiled, relaxing on his perch for hours as more and more wounded poured in from the streets and into the emergency room, and were then taken out dead shortly after, making more room for more soon-to-be-deceased. 

Clearly, Jesha was getting frustrated with looking for him. Looking for a ghost that was hiding in a hospital that was becoming a morgue would be like locating a ghost needle in a haystack that was also full of ghosts. And they had a short temper, so casualties were inevitable. With casualties came more camouflage.

Just thinking about it was enough fun to keep Vincent occupied and smiling at the thought. More dead left to make room for more alive, and life would leave to make room for more dead, and the dead would go and life would go. 

And if Danel was thinking clearly, this wouldn’t be a safe spot at all. No, Danel would’ve found him by now if he was looking. But Danel was chasing after Jesha (like usual) and was too emotional to stop and think (also like usual).

That was the problem with both of them, they never thought. Never. 

Most of the time, this was a problem, but after a few hours and a couple hundred dead, the stress and dread and anguish and deaths were amassing into an enormous delight Vincent had never experienced at this volume. How delicious, after all, is the pain of a nursing student that has called their 40th death of the night in the perking lot, and then turning around to someone asking, please nurse, am I going to make it?

Vincent soaked it all in, for hours and hours, revelling in the wave of death before, finally at four in the morning, someone who wasn't really anything waded through the cots and bodies. 

Jesha had wizened up and found him, after all.

Pretending to be annoyed at the interruption, Vincent rolled his eyes before looking down at Jesha from his vending machine perch. 

“Hello, Pumpkin,” he said, “I’d say it’s good to see you, but you look tired. It’s kind of embarrassing to be seen with you in public, really.”

“Vincent,” Jesha said. Their eyes were red and puffy, but their voice didn’t waver. “You’ve been up here long enough, I think.”

He laughed in response, in the way he perfected that let the target of his laughter know how ashamed they should be for existing. 

“Hah! Aaw, no, Pumpkin,” Vincent said, “I like it up here. Spacious, comfortable, and out of the way of all the bodies you’ve been making.”

“Get off that vending machine right now. Do as I say.” Jesha’s tone stayed flat.

“What in the world are you playing at?” Another eye-roll to punctuate the question, Vincent situated himself firmly on top of the vending machine. “You can’t talk to your boyfriend that way, Pumpkin. And you can't control ghosts like that, either.”

Jesha, who knew otherwise, raised a hand in the general direction someone would reach to pick out a snack. Without smiling, looking away from Vincent, or trembling, they reached out.

Vincent felt something pull, but he was stuck. What?? From all around, the grounds, the ER, the parking lot, Jesha was… Pulling the ghosts? With intent? For what??

It happened fast, too fast. The smile was obliterated from Vincent's face as all the other ghosts got sucked into a vortex, how was Jesha doing that?? It felt like being at the edge of a black hole and being glued to your seat. 

Jesha didn’t mind that some of the ghosts being pulled were of living patients, or all the hospital staff. They needed a massive amount of death to punch Vincent through to hell.

Vincent realized he was sitting on top of a brand new portal at the same moment all the windows in the hospital shattered. A low, sinking tone was beginning to draw him in, too powerful, too fast to escape!

“Hey!” He shouted, sinking quickly, “You can’t do this! There’s no point, I’ll just... Rrg, I'll find you again!”

Further away now, “I’ll make you fucking pay!”

Moving the ghosts in a different direction, almost like realigning a magnet, Jesha smoothed over the opening to hell.

Vincent was gone, for now.

And despite what he thought, coming back wouldn’t be easy for a bitchy ghost with all the demons around.

They pulled their arm back down, only now letting themself breathe. They started to shake, too. In between the tears that cleaned two streaks down their grubby face, something like smoke escaped their lungs.