#bear with me i have been awake for 26 straight hours now. but.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

oh my god i think i just had an epiphany

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS DAYLIGHT  Vol.5 Sakamaki Kanato [TRACK 3]

Original title: 僕の名前を呼んで

Source: Diabolik Lovers Daylight Vol. 5 Sakamaki Kanato

Audio: Here (Huge thank you to @filthyhelplessworld​ for providing the audio!)

Seiyuu: Kaji Yuki

Translator’s note: Now this is the angst I’ve been waiting for! I have to give Kaji Yuki huge props because he really had to rely on his entire voice range for this CD, haha. I’m not a Kanato stan by any means, but I did feel somewhat bad for him, despite his selfish behavior from earlier. You can really tell he was struggling all along but he doesn’t know how to convey his feelings so he just defaults to throwing anger tantrums instead. 

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5 + Epilogue

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 3: Say My Name

“Haah...School is such a chore. Perhaps I should just burn the whole building to the ground? ...I suppose I’ll just kill some time at the infirmary for no…”

*Rattle*

[00:20] “...!? ...You. ...Hah. I figured you were dead already since I hadn’t seen you in a while. You’ve actually been attending school, it seems. So, are you resting up here? I will excuse myself then. I came here hoping to get some alone time, but since someone is here, that plan has been completely ruined.”

He turns around.

“...Especially since it’s you. ...Well then.”

You stop him.

“Haah...What’s the matter?”

You ask if he’s feeling unwell.

[01:04] “Now why would that matter? It’s none of your business, is it? Please stop meddling with my affairs, it’s highly bothersome.”

You ask if he needs to suck your blood.

“Hahaha…! You would still be willing to offer me your blood after everything?”

You nod.

[01:27] “...While that is rather noble of you, don’t you think that perhaps you’re thinking a little too highly of yourself? If I’m thirsty, I will simply make my way to town. There are plenty of people who can take your role after all. ...Aren’t you the one who said that? ーー Either way, you do not need to worry about me.”

You frown.

“Is that all you had to say? Well then, goodbye.”

Kanato leaves.

[02:06] ( I thought you would return to my side if I continued to push you away like this. Crying, weeping, clinging to my legs. ...All while I remained completely ignorant to just how much your heart was aching. I’m sure that by this point...You had already made your resolve, had you not? ) 

*TIMESKIP*

[02:50] “The hours of boredom are finally over. Now to head straight home. ...Hm? That back side...It’s her, isn’t it? Hmph. I can tell straight away even when she has her head hanging down. ...Hm. Well, I suppose I shall give her a small chance. I can’t just give her the cold shoulder after all. (1)”

He approaches you.

“Good evening. (2).”

You flinch.

[03:26] “Hah. Why so surprised? Is it strange for me to approach you? That being said, I don’t exactly need anything from you. ...So, you were hunched forward quite a bit while walking, what’s the matter? Did something sad happen? ...Hah. If you insist, I would not mind hearing your story. I’m sure it will help combat my boredom. ...So, what happened?”

You brush him off.

“...! ...I-If you’re alright, I suppose that’s fine too. Heeh…”

You tell him you will head home now. 

[04:17] “Yes, please be my guest and be on your merry way. By yourself.”

You walk away.

“Kuh…! ...Hey, wait!”

You come to a halt.

“The infirmary is my resting place, so you better stay away from it in the future!”

You nod.

“Hah...Well get going then! ...What’s the matter?”

You ask if he will be okay by himself.

[05:00] “More than okay. If anything, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! Please don’t treat me like a child.”

You smile.

“...’I’m glad’ you say? ...Excuse me!?”

You turn around and walk away.

“Kuh…!!”

*TIMESKIP*

*Tick・tock・tick・tock*

[05:42] “...Honestly, what is her problem!? I was so kind as to strike up a conversation with her too…! ...Oh well, I wouldn’t mind if things remain this way either, of course. Even if she were gone, I’d be just…!”

*TIMESKIP*

*Tick・tock・tick・tock*

“Tsk...Aah, god!!”

*THUD*

[06:13] “Haah, haah...I have no idea where you are or what you are up to right now. You might be having your blood sucked by one of my other brothers for all I know. When I consider that possibility...I’m overcome by intense feelings of anger and despair. Haah...I...I don’t want this...Why won’t things just go my way!? Iーー To me, you’re so veryーー...! (3)”

*TIMESKIP*

*Tick・tock・tick・tock*

“Haah...Haah...Haah…”

*Tick・tock・tick・tock*

[07:19] “ーーUgh! Guess I have no other choice! At this rate, my rage will never be quelled. While I don’t like having to do this, I will bend. It’s frustrating, but...You’re all I have…”

He opens his drawer and pulls out a piece of paper.

*Flip*

*Scribble scribble*

*TIMESKIP*

You are standing out on the balcony.

*Knock*

[08:07] “...Are you still awake?”

You squeak.

“No need to be so surprised. I do come and visit you from time to time, no? Either way, I’m coming in.”

He enters your room.

[08:25] “Haah...I’m surprised to see you’re out on the balcony this late at night. Were you hoping to jump to your death, perhaps? ...That would only cause extra trouble, so please refrain from doing so. Haah...The wind feels chilly. I can’t believe you would come to such a cold place when you’re already feeling unwell. Are you an idiot?”

You remain quiet.

[09:07] “...Why not say something? Like you could ask me what I’m here for? Or say you’re happy to see me!? I’m sure you’ve got plenty to say!”

You start coughing.

“Haah...There you go coughing. That’s why I warned you. You really are hopeless. ...Without me, at least. ...Listen...I didn’t come to say this or anything...Ugh!”

*Flip*

[09:44] “This. Accept it already.”

You tilt your head to the side.

“It’s an invitation to a tea party. ...For just us two.”

[10:01] “Why, you ask…!? Do I have to spell it out for you!? Consider it my way of telling you that you’re once again allowed in my presence. You will obviously attend, no? I was so kind to invite you after all. Not to mention, this might be your once-in-a-lifetime chance to make things good between us.”

You hesitate.

“...What are you doing? Hurry up and accept the invitation! Otherwise I can’t return to my room! I want to rest already! It’s almost morning after all. ...Here!”

*Flip*

You stand there dazed.

[10:51] “...Do you not want it? ...But why!? I’m trying my absolute hardest to compromise! ...Are you perhaps okay with things staying the way they are right now? ...WHY WON’T YOU SAY ANYTHING!? For one, you’re the one who caused this whole ordeal in the first place! I don’t know what your intention was, but you pestered me by going on about ‘dying’ and such!

...In reality, you should be the one apologizing to me. Begging for my mercy. Do you have any idea how I felt coming heーー”

*Rustle* 

[11:45] “...!? Hey…? Are you listening? You’ve been acting somewhat off this whole time. You seem awfully pale too...Is something the matter?”

You collapse.

*Thud*

“...!? H-Hey! Are you okay!? HEY!”

Kanato touches your skin.

“Cold as ice…!? Why, all of a sudden…!? How come…!?”

*Cling*

“This bottle...Don’t tell me…”

*Sniff*

[12:24] “Poison…? Did you drink this? Then...You were actually trying to die? But why…? …! Because I told you...you could be easily replaced?”

*Rustle*

“You can’t! Open your eyes!”

*Rustle*

[12:54] “Hang in there! I was obviously lying when I said that! Why don’t you understand!? I-I mean...To me, you’re just soーー!”

You tell him he wouldn’t believe you.

“No! You’re wrong…!! When you said you were dying, I didn’t actually disbelieve you. I justーー!”

You admit to how sad it made you.

[13:16] “Uu…It was never my intention to make you suffer either…! I just…Uu…Hic…I can’t bear the thought of it…Of a world without you…I didn’t want to believe that day would come…! That’s why I turned a blind eye to itーー! Yet…Why…Why did it turn out like this…? Hic…Say?”

*Rustle*

“Open your eyes…Wake up! …Wake up, please…!!”

*Rustle*

[14:00] “I mean…This just can’t be…No...Who…Who gave you permission to do this!?”

You have passed out.

“…Open your eyes…and say my name…Like you always would…Please! ...Uu...No...You won’t let get away with this! I won’t let this happen!! ...UWAAAAAAAAH!!!”

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) Kanato refers to the ‘carrot and stick’ method here, in which punishment and reward are alternated. 

(2) ごきげんよう is a very snobbish/high class way to greet someone. You won’t actually hear it much in modern day Japan, but some characters in anime say it 

(3) His sentence is cut off, but it’s heavily implied he wants to say something along the lines of ‘but you mean so much to me’ or ‘I love you so much’.

[since0202]

Chapter 26: Heal

Grace woke up to the low, cloudy light of dawn breaking around her. The low light still caused her vision to go in and out of focus as a throbbing headache made its debut. She groaned, raising a sore arm to her face and rubbed it. 

She had no concept of time or where she was but she felt deep, pulsing pain throughout her body. She tentatively touched at her midsection and sucked in a breath like a hiss as the tender skin felt too hot to touch. Grace slowly stretched the fingers on each of her hands and felt the excruciating pain shoot down her wrist and up her arm. She felt battered, like she’d been stamped by a thousand hot irons pounding at her body for hours. It probably wasn’t the best idea, but Grace tried her best to push her body upright into a sitting position. A painful moan escaped her as her vision went black.

“Hey, woah woah woah.” Suddenly there was someone kneeling beside her, bracing her back, their hand hot and firm. She knew that voice. 

“Where am I?” Grace said, her voice scratchy and hushed like she had a sore throat. 

“My place.” Paul said, his face coming into better focus. “Drink this.” He held a glass of water to her lips and she drank gratefully, draining the glass easily and gasping for air afterward. 

“Where’s Jake?” she croaked. Grace was too disorientated to even take in the fact that she was in her ex-boyfriend’s bed in a home that was supposed to be hers. That ache had no room to exist as her body screamed at every move she made. 

“They took him home. He’s okay, he’s healing.” Paul was scanning her body frantically. He didn’t know what to do when she had passed out. He just knew he had to get her out of that clearing before the ancient vampires —Volturi the doc had called them—came into the clearing to kill them all. So he rushed her to his home. She had been out for a solid 18 hours until now. 

Grace rubbed her eyes and tried to bring more things into focus. She looked down at herself, still wincing at even the slightest movement. She was wearing one of Paul’s shirts and her pants were missing. 

“My clothes,” she said groggily, an aching finger pulling at the shirt she had on. 

“Yours were covered in blood,” he breathed. “You scared the hell out of me. Grace being in that clearing was not part of the plan. You could have gotten killed, why the fuck did you do that?” his voice rose slightly as anger flooded him. Seeing her in the clearing had sent a shock wave through him. One he felt rippled down the pack. 

But he had to admit that once she was there, they felt renewed, faster, more agile, their adrenaline at seeing her allowed each wolf to tap into a stronger or maybe more panicked version of themselves. Sam had been the most upset. He was trying to keep everyone safe and was pulled in so many directions during the fight, dividing his attention to ensure no one died on his watch. And when Grace came into the clearing, that attention dialed in to just her. It was maddening for him. Paul thought he’d attack Grace instead of the newborns for a second.

Grace looked at the empty glass and said in a hoarse voice: “Can I have some more water?” 

Paul nodded, letting out a huff of air and stood up to get her more. When he went into the kitchen there was a soft knock at the front door. He set the glass down and pulled it open. 

Rachel. 

“I come bearing gifts.” She said, a small smile on her face. Paul felt his stomach drop. Just seeing her made everything swim in his head. His eyes cast around her face to the beautiful sprinkle of freckles dancing across the bridge of her nose to the strand of hair that fell in front of her perfectly tinted russet skin. Her amber eyes almost glittered and her full, ruby lips pulled open into a welcoming smile. 

“Um, hey.” Paul mustered. She let out a light laugh and returned a “hey.” 

His eyes fell to the stack of clothes in her hands. “I brought some clothes over for her. Thought she might need it, what with all the blood.” 

“How’s Jacob?” Paul said. He could see the pain there on her face. 

“Yeah, he’s okay. It’s going to take a bit for him to heal, but the doctor has him on a morphine drip to keep him comfortable. My human biology course isn’t really coming in handy as much as I thought it would considering the whole….wolf...thing.” Rachel paused to look Paul up and down. She’d been given a crash course in the pack’s secret once Paul had imprinted on her. He had also demanded that Sam let him tell her.

She held out the clothes in Paul’s silence, her warmth never leaving her voice. “Here. She’s only a little bit shorter than me, but these should fit.” Paul took the clothes, their hands brushing in the process. Rachel blushed and Paul tried to keep the heat from rising in his body. 

“Thanks.” he said. Wow. So eloquent. Great job, Paul. Real smooth. You have seen a girl before you know? Idiot. The thoughts raced through his head. 

“Okay, well. See you later!” she trilled before hopping down the steps, stumbling just a little in her overexcitement. Paul automatically took a step forward like he was going to help her but she held a hand up and laughed, heading toward her car. 

Paul carried the glass of water and clothes back to his bedroom and kneeled by the bed where Grace sat with her head in her hands. 

“Hey.” he gently said holding the glass out. She took it but it started to slip from her fingers. He placed his hand on top of hers and helped tip the glass so she could drink. 

He set the half empty glass down next to the bed and held out the clothes to her. “Something to change into.” Grace gently folded her arms around the clothes and gave a soft ‘Thanks.’ 

Her head was still spinning and showing no signs of stopping. The ache was growing rather than subsiding and she felt an excruciating need to get out of here. 

“Can you take me to Jake?” she said automatically, trying to listen to her body. Paul hesitated, his eyes staring at Grace, trying not to touch her. 

“Yeah.” he whispered, pain apparent in his voice. Grace tried to focus on his face but he kept disappearing behind a blur making its way across her vision. “Can you stand?” he asked. 

She hadn’t considered this. Her body felt weighted in a pain she’d never experienced before. 

“Can you help?” she said as she winced and tried to pull herself up. Paul grabbed her easily, like he was meant for it, and took the weight off of her limbs as he pulled her into a standing position on the floor. He gently placed her on her feet, slowly letting her weight come down. She gripped his forearms for support and felt the blinding pain of standing on her own. Without meaning too, she let out a sharp cry of pain and a pitiful “Ow, ow, ow,” that triggered Paul to panic and lift her again. 

“Okay, that’s not gonna work.” Paul said, “I don’t think we should move you yet.” 

“Just help me get dressed,” Grace said, her labored breathing returning. Paul looked at her carefully and then nodded his head. Grace was flushed with embarrassment but didn’t see any other way. He gently removed the shirt he had changed her into before putting her and she shivered. Paul tried to keep his face straight. Looking at her now felt different and filled him with guilt. Grace didn’t even bother trying to cover her exposed chest before Paul pulled the University of Washington shirt over her head that Rachel had brought. He leaned down and Grace raised her leg to thread through the fitted matching sweats. He pulled them up around her hips and tightened the strings on them, tying it into a loose knot so they stayed put. He picked her up under her knees and took her to the car, stone faced, trying not to think about how warm her body felt in his arms. 

When he pulled up to the Black residence, he could see some members of the pack filtering out of the house. He popped open his door and they came over to him.

“Is she okay?” Embry asked worried, his eyes pulled to where she sat, eyes closed, in the front seat. 

“I’m not sure. Is the doc here?” Paul replied. Quil shook his head. 

“He just left but we can get him back if you need.” 

“Yeah, maybe. I need to get her inside, she’s been asking for Jake.” 

Embry and Quil gave him a surprised look. He didn’t really want to deal with the barrage of questions. “Just go get the leech.” He said annoyed. They nodded at him wordlessly and were off, slowing to stare at Grace as they went past. 

Paul grabbed her from the car gently and walked her into the tiny house. He had no idea what he was supposed to do with her, but when she murmured a sign of being awake, he gave an exhausted sigh and walked her toward the back of the house where Jake’s room was. When he pushed open the door, Sam was there. The tiny room didn’t afford for this many people but Grace was already awake and pulling out of his arms, reaching for the bed. 

“Put me down,” she grumbled. Paul tentatively set her down, holding around her waist in case she fell. Grace looked hypnotized, her body reacting to seeing Jake’s motionless frame sprawled on the bed. His face was covered in a sheen of sweat and he was pulling in deep labored breaths that were raspy and tight. 

“Doc said his lung collapsed but that it was healing. He had to reset all of the bones on the right side of his body because he healed too fast and they fused together unevenly.” Sam’s voice shot through with pain. Paul saw the guilt there—Sam thought it was his fault that Jake got hurt and thought he’d never forgive himself.

Grace, still entranced, pulled herself onto the bed next to Jake. She shimmied herself  into the left side of his body that wasn’t wrapped up in gauze and buried her head in the crook of his neck. His left arm automatically circled around her waist and his breathing evened out some, the rasp cooling. Grace immediately felt the relief crash through both of them. Her pain ebbed and she let the gentle rise and fall of his chest lull her to sleep. 

At some point later in the day Carlisle came in, but Grace floated in and out of consciousness as he took her vitals. He seemed perplexed by her state, muttering something about not being able to get a good read on anything since it was so inconsistent. Since he had limited knowledge on how their wolf bodies healed and even less knowledge on how Grace’s bodies interacted with theirs, he didn’t feel confident giving a determination or diagnosis. 

Jacob was improving quickly and was able to be conscious for longer periods of time over the next day. He wouldn’t let anyone take Grace from him though, keeping his arm tightly around her as she struggled to pull in air through her throat. She seemed to be getting worse for some reason. 

Sam spent most of his time sat in a chair in Jacob’s room or wandering up and down the short hallway, pulling at the nape of his neck. Emily was having a hard time getting him to eat. 

“Should we get Ti’Hal?” she asked Sam at one point. 

“Not yet.” Sam said, afraid of what she might say. But it became apparent that they’d need to call her in sooner than later when Grace stayed asleep for a solid 24 hours, the sounds in her chest starting to rattle. Jacob's lung was almost healed at this point. 

When Ti’Hal shuffled into the small room, Jake was awake, his arm wound around Grace. He had slowly pulled her more and more on top of him in an attempt to bring her closer. Her body was now draped over the left side of his, her head in the center of his chest. Ti’Hal gave Jake a soft smile and put her hand to his cheek, closing her eyes. 

“You’re healing well,” she acknowledged. He nodded but looked down at Grace, concern warping his features. “Ah.” she said, “But you’re not worried about you.” She moved to place her hand on Grace’s forehead and one on her back. Ti’Hal sat for awhile just listening to Grace. 

“She’s healing,” she finally said. A domino of sighs could be heard in the living room where most of the pack had been milling about, listening intently. “But she’s healing you first,” Ti’Hal said definitively. 

“What?” Jacob said surprised. “Why?”

“She’s healing him?” Sam said incredulously. 

“First, she heals him and then herself. She protects, heals, defends, and connects. But you haven’t made it easy on her.” Ti’Hal suddenly said looking over her shoulder at Sam and then back to Jacob. She wasn’t accusatory, simply stating a fact. Something she understood better than them. 

“We’re still figuring it out, Ti’Hal,” Sam said with some strain in his voice. 

“Figure it out together. Or you’ll end up putting her in more danger,” she said sternly, closing her eyes once more to feel Grace and then taking her leave. “She should wake soon. I suggest you don’t move her and keep her close to Jacob so as not to interfere with the healing.” Sam nodded and helped her to the door where her granddaughter was waiting to ferry her back home. 

“So we wait.” Jared said in the living room. Sam turned around and nodded. 

“We wait.” 

Paul stirred uncomfortably on the couch. Rachel was in the kitchen cooking them some food with the help of Emily. None of the pack wanted to be away from the Black residence or Grace for too long until they knew she was in the clear so they spent their afternoon and evening huddled in the small living room, eating and joking and watching TV or spilling out onto the lawn to kick around the soccer ball. 

Word got out about “the accident” and the community showed up. Theo Merdra, the local carpenter even stopped by and made it a point to say he’d come and fix their sagging porch and install a proper wheelchair ramp for Billy. He even replaced a rusted rain gutter while he was there and had his son clean the debris from the roof. 

Bella showed up every few hours to check on Jake and Grace and helped clean and cook. She brought over a duffel bag of clothes, a toothbrush, and toiletries for Grace for when she woke up knowing she’d need to shower. She asked Rachel to call her as soon as Grace was up so she could come and help. 

The Black residence was soon overrun with a massive amount of food, some of Sue’s friends came by and cleaned up the house. George Runnings fixed the wiring on the back of their fridge since it kept blinking on and off. Billy was overcome with emotion. Everyone who came through did their best to keep it down to ensure they didn’t disturb Jacob or Grace. Jacob was almost fully healed by the second day and only moved from her side to go to the bathroom. 

Carlisle had stayed away to ensure he didn’t overstay his welcome with the community descending on the Black home. But he was itching to get back to monitor Grace. As the sun set on the second day, Grace’s eyes fluttered open. 

“Hey,” Jacob said, cupping a hand to her face.

“I need to sit up,” she croaked. 

“Okay, okay,” Jake said. He pulled his body up and rested it against the wall and then gently pulled Grace between his legs so her back rested against his chest. He looped his arms around her stomach and she leaned her head back onto his shoulder, winded by the sudden movement but breathing clearly.

“How do you feel?” Jacob whispered. Grace laid her hands on top of his and looked out the window at the people gathering around a makeshift bonfire in the twilight. Seth was kicking a ball around with Jared and Embry. The sounds of happy voices floated in through the window. 

“Like shit.” Grace finally breathed. “But better. You?” 

“Like new,” he said, kissing the side of her head. She closed her eyes at the warm feeling. 

“How long have I been out?” 

“Couple of days.” 

“Mmm,” she replied, lazily sinking into Jacob’s embrace and turning her head to face into his neck. He rested his head lightly on top of hers and pulled her in a little closer, making sure she was tightly nestled into his body. 

“Grace?” Jacob said softly. 

“Mmm?” she replied again, starting to drift in and out. 

“We really need a shower.” He laughed softly, his body shaking her some and her face cracked into a smile, starting to laugh too. 

“Oh my god,” she mumbled. “Gross.” Tears sprang to Jacob’s eyes as he pressed another firm kiss to her forehead. He was so happy she was awake, she was alive, and she was here. The thought of losing her in that clearing suddenly washed over him and he squeezed her ever so slightly. 

“You okay?” Grace muttered sleepily, her hand coming to gently rest on his cheek where she felt the clear damp of tears on his face. 

“Fine. You just smell...really really bad. It’s making my eyes water.” he joked, letting out a choked laugh. 

“Nice one,” she breathed before drifting off to sleep. 

Late that evening, Grace was feeling good enough to get up. With Jake behind her, she stood on her own two feet and only winced a couple of times before standing upright. She stretched her neck around and shook out the pain in her hands. Rachel was in the doorway of the room supervising. 

“I’ll call Bella,” she said and disappeared into the kitchen. Grace made her way slowly into the hallway toward the living room. Leah was there, biting her thumb and when she saw Grace come into the room and shot to her feet. 

“Grace, I’m so so sorry,” she said. She’d been holding in her guilt for the past three days. Grace waved her off and said, 

“Leah, it’s fine. Are you okay?” Leah nearly crumbled at this question and nodded her head quickly. “Good.” Grace paused for a second and then looked dejectedly at her feet, “I really have to pee.” Leah bounded over as an uncertain look crossed Jake’s face. 

“I got it.” she said and led Grace to the bathroom. 

“Bella should be here in 15. Leah, fill up the tub while you’re in there.” Rachel called. Total mom-mode. She hugged Jacob and confirmed that he indeed did smell. 

“I’ll wait until Grace is done,” he said. “Got some grub?” Rachel smiled and opened the stuffed fridge. “Woah.” he said. 

“Take your pick. Or you can wait. I’m making mom’s homemade lasagna,” She smiled at him and he felt so glad that she was home again. Just then the pack spilled through the open door elated and pulled Jacob into a group hug. 

“You’re alive!” Seth cried. 

“Thought you were a goner for sure.” Quil said. 

“Yeah, what took you so long?” Embry said. 

“Jeez Jake, way to hog all the healing for yourself,” Jared jabbed. Sam came through the door and looked to Jake. 

“She okay?” The worry was still there. 

“Yeah, she’s in the bathroom with Leah,” Jake said, giving him a reassuring smile. Sam nodded, relief pulling down across his shoulders. 

“Who’s hungry?” Rachel said, pulling out some freshly baked lasagna. Bella arrived, taking a second to hug Jake tightly before saying, “Where is she?” 

“Bathroom,” multiple voices answered her before Jake could even open his mouth.

“Okay,” she said, her face looked flushed as she headed down the hall. She knocked on the door, announcing her presence before pushing it open. Leah came out a few seconds later and gathered around the table with the others. 

“God, I haven’t heard someone pee for that long in my entire life.” 

There was a chorus of ‘Ewws’ and ‘I’m eating’ and ‘When you gotta go you gotta go’ followed by laughter around the table as the group dug into the food. 

[writemywaytoyourheart]

May I request 45 & 55 where you had to pick up drunk boyfriend RM and the drunk rest of the boys, and stop them from doing something stupid?

45. "Are you drunk?"

55. "Are you going to yell at me too? I deserve it."

this was waiting far too long I'm so sorry ;-; enjoy^

It's almost two in the morning and you're wide awake; staring at the ceiling, unblinking. Something feels off. You aren't sure what, but you feel like something is definitely wrong. You have been tossing and turning for hours now. Turning on your side, you grab your phone and unlock it to see a few messages from your boyfriend and a missed call.

*1:26 am*

Namjoon: heysu y/nn, can u like, idk ?

*1:31 am*

Namjoon: hruy y/nn ansswe u phone pks.

*1:50 am*

Namjoon: hi.

You groan and dial his number, hoping against hope that he's just messing around with you and he isn't drunk at two in the morning on a Sunday. It rings a few times, then Namjoon seems to have answered the call. You don't hear anything but shuffling, "Joon? Hello? Joon, are you drunk with the boys? Hey!" Then it hangs up and you sigh in irritation.

"That boy is gonna be the death of me," you mutter angrily and throw the covers off yourself. You stand up and yank a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt on, then grab your jacket and head for the car.

It's a good thing you and Namjoon set up locations on both your phones in the case of any emergencies, you look up his and see he's at a little bar that's by the Han River. You angrily punch in the directions on your phone and drive as carefully but quickly as you can to where they are.

When you get there you see Namjoon and Taehyung climbing up on a gate that's on a bridge over the water. Yoongi is sitting on the ground and yelling nonsense and Jin is trying to pull Namjoon and Taehyung off the precarious gate. Jimin is just standing and looking over at the water in a daze. Hoseok is sitting on the ground with Jungkook and just looks like he wants to die. Jungkook is staring straight ahead in confusion with wide eyes as he sits on the ground with Hobi. You park the car and jump out, running over to see Jin yelling at Namjoon who he has successfully saved, before Jin turns and grabs a hold of Tae who's laughing his head off while still balancing on the gate.

"Get down from there you fool! Get down! Now Taehyung! Listen to me!" Jin finally pulls a laughing and writhing Tae off the gate then turns to see you standing there in shock and confusion.

"Y/N! Thank goodness you're here!"

"What on earth is going on here??" You see Namjoon has quieted down a lot and is standing still, looking at the ground. Tae starts to whine and Jin wraps his arms around him in a big bear hug, "ok Tae, calm down now, k? We're gonna go home now, alright?" The younger boy stops squirming, bites his lip, and gives a small nod.

Jin looks at you apologetically, "I don't know where it all went wrong, but everything single one of these fools is drunk. I don't have enough room in my car for them all. Can you take two of the boys for me?" You nod, then in the next second run to grab Jungkook who's leaning over the railing to look at the water, but he's leaning so far he's about to fall over the rail.

"Jungkook! Stay on this side, ok?" You gently pull him back and he nods slowly. Namjoon is still standing in silence and even though you're really angry at them for being such idiots and almost getting hurt, you know he didn't mean to let it get this far and he must feel terrible.

"Joonie?" He flinches a little at the touch of your hand on his arm, "come on, you're coming in my car. Go get buckled while I help Hobi in." He nods and walks slowly to the car, the drinks seem to be wearing off.

"NOOOO! Don't touch me, don't touch me! I want Y/NNNN!" You turn to see Tae crying and struggling to get to you whilst Jin holds him back.

"Y/N!! Please let me ride with yoouuuu, pleeeaaase!" You laugh and nod at Jin, who lets Taehyung go with a sigh of relief.

After getting all the boys in Jin's car, besides Tae, Jungkook and Namjoon (because apparently Jungkook felt it was unfair that Tae got to ride with you when he wanted to) you buckle the two maknaes in the back seat and leave them to bicker and giggle. Namjoon is still dead silent when you get in the front seat. You start the car and begin driving before you glance at him, "are you alright? Do you feel sick?" He shakes his head, "then what's the matter?" You ask gently.

"Aren't you going to yell at me too? I deserve it."

"Joon." You sigh and stop the car at a red light. "Am I frustrated? Yes. Do I think it's your fault? Partly. Does that mean I should yell at you? No. I know you're not a bad person Namjoon, for heaven's sake, I love you! But, you do need to be careful because I don't want you to get hurt. Or the other boys for that matter." Remembering the two in the back, you notice it's awfully quiet back there, so you turn and look back at them.

Jungkook has fallen asleep on Tae's shoulder and the older boy is resting his head on the maknae's fluffy head. You laugh and turn to Namjoon, "look at them. They're perfectly fine, so don't beat yourself up, ok?" He turns and smiles at the two then faces forward again. Your boyfriend takes your hand and kisses it, "thank you Y/N, for coming to save us, and for not screaming at me." You chuckle and shake your head, "first of all, Jin saved your dumb butt. Second, when have I ever screamed at you? You're exaggerating."

He raises his eyebrows, "remember that time when you were on your period and I accidentally broke your headphones? You almost murdered me!" You laugh out loud, "that doesn't count! Periods don't count because I never mean what I say when I'm in that headspace!"

He shakes his head and looks back out the front window. You turn and see him smiling so you smile, glad that he's not punishing himself, before turning back to the road.

"I'll forgive you for making me get out of bed at two-am on one condition."

Namjoon giggles and turns back to you, "ok and what is that? You want a kiss?" You scoff and shake your head, "no no, lover boy. I want you to carry those two smelly boys upstairs to your dorm once I park."

Namjoon groans and you grin evilly.

~

Hope u like it! Thank u for being so patient!

-chip

[hopefightcure-blog]

“My whole body hurt, tired, nauseous, hard to breath, and frequently coughing. I want to be at home more than ever. I think, even if I die, I want to die at home.”

11/30/2016: I openned my eyes, seeing the room, and know that I’m still alive. Cancer, to many people, it’s the sign of Death coming to you. But for some, it’s the sign that tells them to live to their fullness, treasure every second, and to inspire people around them.

Vivian  is a woman who is fighting the last stage cancer in hospital, and the battle is the inspiation for others to live on. At the age of 29, working as a musical teacher in highschool, Vivian noticed the disease nearly 3 months ago, and it is already at the stage that surgery cannot be done. It was when she started writing the diary.

11/05/2016: Have it checked at the hospital, the result: RECTAL CANCER, LAST STAGE.

11/16/2016: Finished paperwork for hospitalization. I had to drop the work at school. The last 3-4 days I had been crying so much, all the food are tasteless. My whole body feel weak, stomach aches, back pains. My family is worried. Friends, colleagues, everyone showed they care, supported me mentally.

11/19/2016: Hospitalized, my spirit is better today, I can eat better, my body feels better. 3 days in hospital, all the tests that I had to go through are the worst things that I have ever experienced. I lost count of how many injections I took, how may places I went to for checking, and all these machines that checked me. Test result: Cancer already moved to lung and ganglion.

11/21-11/25/2016: I am resting at home. My daily life changes completely. I became a princess, taken cared by everyone.

My mother did every little thing for me. My meal, my daily necessity. I take all kinds sustenance. At evening, I exercise with walking.

Friends and colleagues visited from time to time. How that brightened my mood. The atmosphere in my house have never been this merrily. A good spirit really do well for my body.

11/26/2016: I have to go to the hospital for phase 1 chemical transmission. All days and nights, 48 hours straight.

In the morning, both hands at the same time, chemical and calcium. 3 injections: one made my left hip with a sharp pain. The other made my whole body itched. The last one caused my whole body heated up.

In the evening, one needle was taken off, the other was left there. Another injection, another pain left on my right hip. But I can eat, can sleep, so my body is still good.

11/27/2016: Beautiful flowers in my room. I’m still taking transmission for whole day. And those injections again. I’m feeling more tired. My hands are locked with all the machine around me for 3 days and 2 nights. This tedious feeling.

11/28/2016: The hospital director visits each patient, recite the medical record. Rectal cancer last stage, moved to lung and ganglion. Just hearing it was too much.

Finished with injection, I was noticed that after the last 3 bottles, I can go home. This might be how birds feel when they are locked in the cage. I watched each drop, waiting for it to finish, so I can leave.

11/30/2016: I openned my eyes, seeing the room, and know that I’m still alive.

Tied here for 3 days and 2 nights, I waited each second for the needle to be taken off so I can go home, and go to school tomorrow. I can believe it…

14:30 on 12/28/2016: after the needle was taken off, I slowly fainted. I cannot bring myself to wake up.

16:00, hubby came and packed up and drive me home. It’s the same time I feel the pain in my stomach. The pain came every 1-2 minutes. There were hard lumps on my stomach. My belly felt like it could burst.

I cannot breath. There was pains in my chest. Blood when I went to toilet. It continued for 1-2 hours. My body felt cold. I was injected with pain relief and cannot go home.

I began to panic. I cried, not sure because of the pain, or because I was missing home, or feeling hopeless. After the injection, the pain stopped. I’m scare of the bed that I was tied on for 3 days. I walked aimlessly the whole night, only drink some light soup.

At 21:00, the pain relief lost its effectiveness, the pain returned. I was weak, I cannot do anything. Lying there in bed, my body felt cold. I cried and called my late father: “let me go with you, I cannot take it anymore.” My mother was next to me, holding my hand. I don’t remember when I felt in deep sleep that night…

11/29/2016: I waked up at 3am. Still some light pains in my stomach, I can still touched those lumps. My mom was sleeping on the next bed. How I love her.

I slept again, until 6. My whole body hurt, tired, nauseous, hard to breath, and frequently coughing. I want to be at home more than ever. I think, even if I die, I want to die at home.

9am, my husband came and drive me home. Looking at the familiar scenery, I cried. I’m home now.

I slept again, don’t know for how long. I remember hearing my mom voice, and soup or milk was put in my mount.

4-5pm, I woked up. Pains, but I beared with it, not taking the pain relief, with the fear of losing it effectiveness for taking too much. My whole body hurt, discomfort. I cried again, mother hugged me, comforted me. I feel better a little by little, and ate some soup. I played the guitar, my tears rolled down… I miss the school, my students, I want to hear them sing…

20 days since I knew about my disease, my whole life changed… I want to dress up… I want to go out… I miss my work… I miss the time when I can have a normal holiday…

12/5/2016: Hospitalized for minor surgery “place portal chamber”. I was taken to a room full of machines. A needle to my left hand for some transmission.

Breath with oxygen mask, blood pressure and heart rate machines, and much more that I don’t know about. I waited for a while, after that my face and body was covered, only the neck and right chest are left. I heard about 4 doctors. They asked and then numbed my neck, cut open it and put something in. After that is about 10 more numb injections for my chest and then cut it open.

After about 20 minutes. Pains and fear. I clenched my teeth and hands. When done, I was moved to my room again. Another injection, after 2-3 seconds, I began to vomit. The transmission needle was kept in my hand, there is another 7-10 days for this.

12/11/2016: A light touch, and a lot of hair fall off. I miss my home.

12/15/2016: The result of 10 days in hospital. Everytime I look at the stitches and remember what happenned, I feel the chill. Phase 2 of chemical transmission finished. Each time I wash my hair, there is enough of them to make a small ball. It’s painful, but I had to cut it.

Tonight I can sleep at home.

12/25/2016: I never felt so happy on Christmas. Eventhough I was crying.

12/29/2016: 3rd phase of medical transmission is done, I’m getting more used to it. Today I can return home.

01/07/2017: There is so many patients today. I’m getting ready for 4th phase of transmission.

01/10/2017: It’s done. Another night I stayed awake. Whole body feel tired. So much that it cannot be explained with words. I miss my hair, the shcool, the classes, my students… I need to stay strong.

[surveysonfleek]

904.

Does your mum try to be cool? lol no.

Do you eat a lot of meat? i eat it almost daily.

What are you listening to? i’m half watching tv while doing this.

What time is it? 3:57am.

What room of the house are you in? my bedroom.

What season is it? it’s autumn here.

What are the other people in your house doing? everyone’s sleeping.

What should you really being doing right now? probably sleeping.

What school did you go to for elementary school? rather not say.

What was the first book you ever read?   i forgot honestly.

What were you doing before you took this survey? more surveys.

What time did you wake up this morning? around 11am.

What things did you eat today? sushi and steak.

What are you looking forward to? my days off!

What do you plan on wearing tomorrow? something comfortable.

What day is it tomorrow? friday.

Do you think you gained or lost weight this past month? probably the same, my friend told me i had lost weight but highly doubtful.

What colour is your tissue box? yellow.

Do you have a ceiling fan in your room? and if so is there dust on it? nope.

What was the last movie you watched at home? all eyez on me.

Who introduced you to your significant other? technically john.

Who do you want to injure? no one.

Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear? haha no :( i’ve made one for people though!

What’s something fun you did today? enjoyed my day off.

What kind of milk do you drink? i don’t drink milk.

Who was the last person you went shopping with? my friends.

What is something you need to go shopping for? a dress for an upcoming wedding i’m going to.

Is someone in love with you? yes.

Does someone like you right now? yes.

How many hours did you sleep for last night? it was a really broken sleep but around 8.

Do you swear at your parents? never.

Have you ever been searched by the cops? no.

When’s the last time you’ve been sledding? forever ago.

Do you know how to play poker? yes.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? no.

Have you ever been ice skating? yes.

What’s the one thing on your mind now? work tomorrow :(

Do you believe in love at first sight? nope.

Do you always wear your seat belt? yes.

Do you like sushi? i looooove sushi.

Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? no.

Been caught stealing? no.

Do you truly hate anyone? no.

Have you ever sang in front of the mirror? yes.

What food do you find disgusting? olives.

Do you sing in the shower? nope.

Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? no.

Have you ever been punched in the face? no.

Have you ever been called beautiful? yes.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? my boyfriend.

Do older members of the opposite sex ever hit on you? no.

What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you? eh i can think of a few things.

Do any medical problems run in your family? yeah unfortunately.

Do you have any big assignments coming up? no.

Do you plan on moving soon? If so, to where? nope.

Do you drink the 6-8 cups of water a day? just under tbh.

Then how much water do you have a day? around four definitely.

How many sodas a week do you have? maybe one or two.

Do you say things are hardcore? haha no.

What’s bothering you? work.

Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months? yes.

What do you hear? the tv.

Do you like country music? nope.

Have you ever gone to court? nope.

What does your last outgoing text say? goodnight i love you.

The upcoming weekend, have you got plans? yes.

What was the last thing someone said to you in person? they were saying goodbye to me.

Could you date someone taller than you? yes.

When was the last time something bothered you? today.

What is your current mood? tired.

How old is the person you’re currently interested in? 26.

How far out of your age bracket would you date? no more than like 3 years older i think.

Do you like mac n cheese? nope.

Are you satisfied with your current camera? yes.

If you get a text message now, who is it most likely to be from? my boyfriend.

Is there someone of the opposite sex on your mind at the moment? no.

Have you ever been in a choir? no.

Does it bother you to have dirt on the bottom of your bare feet? omg yes. i hardly ever walk anywhere barefoot.

Do you get nervous when a doctor of the opposite sex touches you? not really. i trust my doctors.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a big butt? no.

Do you live alone? no.

Do you have any bruises? not yet haha.

Ever thought of adoption? no. i havent really thought about children seriously. not ready yet.

Do you currently need the toilet now? nope.

Have you thought of ‘dirty’ thoughts today? yes.

Do you have a shower stall or a bath tub? both.

Is there anything you should be worried about? nah.

You’re up after 3 am, what’s the reason? i’m normally up at that time. i usually get home from work at 3am.

Are you in a relationship with anyone? yes.

Have you ever liked someone just because they were good looking? yes.

Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? no.

Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” yes.

Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life? yeah but they were a mutual friend.

Who was your first crush? aladdin!

Do you often skip breakfast? often.

What are you wearing on your feet? nothing.

Last person who drove you somewhere (besides your parents)? my boyfriend.

Are you a forgiving person? for the most part.

[adkinemi06]

Blog Post #26- *Insert Life Lesson Title*

Current Mood: Sick

Currently listening to: Nothing

Current verse of choice: “Repent, then turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord…” Acts 3:19

Once again, it’s been too long since I have blogged…about a month and a half to be exact.  I guess it could be worse.  My life has been nonstop since the middle of April, and a lot of things have happened.  My cousin got married, I went to my mini 2-week Navy boot camp, Collin turned 25, and I started truly looking into what I want to be when I grow up.  

In terms of boot camp, I learned so much, and I met some really incredible people.  A typical day there looked like this…Wake up around 3:45-4:30, be on line by 4:35, plan of the day announced, work out/march to breakfast (depending on the day), class, march to lunch, class, march to dinner, practice marching, study, iron your uniforms, study more, sleep around 23:30. It wasn’t exhausting because it was physically hard or we worked out a lot-it was exhausting because we got close to no sleep for the entire two weeks we were there (which made the workouts hard). The dorm rooms we stayed in were gross, hot, and old…and we got yelled at a lot.  However, the people that were leading our class (Class #19070 ECHO company to be specific) were really cool, and they truly did respect us as naval officers even though most of had no idea what we were doing.  The amount of information that I didn’t even know that I didn’t know was incredible.  I was constantly trying to retain all of this information all while I was doing whatever I could to stay awake.  I drank more caffeine in that two weeks than I ever have in my entire life.  It was so severe that I was drinking Coke Zero for breakfast just so I could make it to the 10 o’ clock coffee break!  My personal “job” there was a 1st Lieutenant, which meant I took out the trash and helped clean up everyone’s messes.  I learned about Naval warfare, how to march, how to salute, who to salute, when to salute, how to eat at attention, how to stand at attention (for an hour), how to make a military bed (in 6 minutes), how to maintain military bearing (which I was really bad at…imagine that), different words to refer to things on a ship (ie: head=bathroom and scuttlebutt=water fountain), Navy values, Navy culture, what it truly means to be a part of the US Navy, and so much more.  It was not fun, BUT it was an amazing experience which I am so thankful for the opportunity to have had. It was very inspiring and encouraging. Bottom line is this: I am a United States sailor.  I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America, and I will obey the orders of those appointed over me.  I represent the fighting spirit of the Navy and those who have gone before me to defend freedom and democracy around the world. I proudly serve my country’s Navy combat team with Honor, Courage, and Commitment. I am committed to excellence and fair treatment of all. (And no-I did not have to look that up on Google).

In terms of work, pretty much just the same old, same old to report.  There is one pretty funny story, and then there is one super emotional experience I had with a patient.  Let’s start with the funny.  Rarely do I work in our Cardio-thoracic ICU, but I got floated there one day and got my butt kicked-it was so busy.  One thing that the CTICU does is recover heart surgeries straight out of the OR (We refer to these cases as “hearts”).  Hearts can either come out of the OR super stable or super unstable, so you always have to be prepared for the worst; also, if it something you don’t do all the time, it can be extremely intimidating.  Anyway, I got this heart case, and it was this cute little old lady that was pretty stable.  When I was waking her up from anesthesia, I was leaned pretty close to her face. I am not allowed to tell you her name due to HIPPA, so I will name her Tina in this blog. I said, “Hi Tina.  You just got out of surgery, and you’re waking up. Everything went well.  My name is Emily and I will be your nurse today.”  Her eyes pop wide open, she looks at me, and she says, “Wooooooow....you are an angel.”  I just chuckled and proceeded with my assessment.  She continued to call me an angel for about 30 minutes, then fell asleep.  When she woke up, she didn’t even remember who I was!  Those pain medications we give are pretty heavy duty.

Moving on to the heavy story…I got report on this 92 year old woman that was emergently coming to the surgical ICU due to a perforated bowel.  When I get a report like this, I can’t help but feel sad because I really don’t want this 92 year old woman’s last moments to be spent in the OR with her abdomen cut open and people pounding on her chest while she is bleeding out…it’s just so uncomfortable to visualize, but it is unfortunately what would happen about 90% of time in this situation.  Anyway, this adorable woman arrived to the ICU and I instantly fell in love with her.  She was super hard of hearing, so I had to scream every time I said something to her and it was like 3 AM….so I’m sure everyone else on the unit really appreciated that.  She was so sweet and so funny-I could tell she was trying to maintain her charm, but it was getting more difficult as the pain was getting worse.  The doctors went in, assessed her, looked at her scans, then went to the waiting room and basically told her family that her perforated bowel was so bad that they were not even going to offer her surgery.  Her family explained that she made the decision to go forward with the surgery herself and that they tried to tell her not to do it.  At this point, the doctors and I go into her room and talk-well, scream-to her about it. The conversation went something like this:

Doctor: “Ma’am, you know if you have his surgery, you will most likely not make it back to this room. Do you understand that?” (This doctor didn’t have the best bedside manner I have ever seen).

Patient: “Well, yes. I really just want the pain to stop.”

Doctor: “We can make you comfortable with medication and take the pain away.”

Patient: “I am just having second thoughts about the surgery now.”

Doctor: “Okay, we are going to go get your family and bring them back to talk with you.”

I then went up to her bedside, held her hand, and said, “Is your pain a lot worse now?”  This woman looked up into my eyes and said, “You know-I really just need my family so that I can pray with them.”  In that moment, I swear I saw right into that woman’s soul…I am actually tearing up right now just reliving it while I am typing this. I told her I would be right back with some pain medicine, and I went straight to the break room and shed some tears.  When she looked in my eyes, we both knew that she was going to die that night. Her family came back and she prayed individually with each one of her children-she had them lay their heads on her chest and she prayed for God to protect them and for them not to feel sad because she was going to finally be free.  These were grown men and women, laying on their moms chest in the last moments of her life, just praying together…if that doesn’t tug at your heart, then I don’t know what would.  It was THEE SADDEST 4 hours I have ever had as a nurse, but also one of the most beautiful images.  I pray that is how I get to die someday-not in pain, but surrounded by generations of my family all praying and worshiping around me.  

This is where I usually write about a life lesson I have learned recently and relate it to scripture, but this blog is already long enough. But, stay tuned…because I have a good one for next time.

Random thoughts: I can smell football season around the corner…I am loving the summer weather!...I didn’t realize that it has almost been 2 years since I started this blog, so does that make me a semi-experienced nurse now?...I am going to Europe in August-pretty pumped about it.

 Em

[pendragonfics]

Terrestrial

Paring: Thor/Reader

Tags: female reader, fluff, angst, pining, protective Thor, Thor is not stupid, Deaf Clint, BAMF Nat Romanov, Tony Stark needs a hug.

Summary: Reader has led a somewhat lonely life, and being in love with Thor, Prince of Asgard doesn't do much to help her with that.

Word Count: 1,717

Posting Date:  2016-09-27

Current Date: 2017-05-26

By the time he returns, the clouds have disappeared and dissipated to another region to darken. There will never be a day where he stays. He is restless, he is a traveller at heart. By the time he returns, your shopping has been tucked into the cupboard, restocked and waiting to play house once more. The home is dusted. Clean. Lawn mown. DVR cleared, up to date with more storage than ever before.

By the time he returns, you are passed out on the couch, the small lounge that faces the patio. He lets himself in with his tiny key, the rumble of his ancient truck not waking you. His gaze rests upon the goosebumps across your limbs, having never been truly accustomed to the chilled breezes he carries in his wake. You stir, just as he picks you up, and feel the butterflies that live in your stomach leap to life.

"Thor," you murmur. "I meant to -,"

He places a kiss upon your brow. "Hush, you need to rest. You've been busy."

If you were more awake, you might have fought back in a jesting, playful mood, but your eyelids are heavy, aching to feel the hand of sleep invite you into the land of dreams. 

By the time you wake, the bed is warm and full, and so is your hand. Your eyes do not have to be open to know that Thor's hand swallows yours, cupping it within his fingers, stroking your skin as ever-so lightly as the warrior can.

"Good morning, my love," he whispers.

Your chest leaps once more at his words; wherever did he learn to make your pulse race so? Your eyes focus on the room around you, but more importantly, on the blonde-haired man, roped with thick muscle, with the clearest eyes you had ever lain your own on.

"I almost can't believe you made it," you breathe. The air is cold, a cloud from your lips, but it means nothing but the fact that winter is coming, that autumn is here. "I remembered to stock up on instant coffee, and I fixed the tractor," you turn your hand in Thor's grasp, sliding your fingers through his.

"My love," Thor's eyes have another look to them. They're as expressive as the sky itself, and at the moment, the blue pupils are clouded by untold news. "I can't...stay long this time. There are tidings of war coming to my land. I'm sorry."

You nod, raising your gaze to the ceiling. "I understand, Thor."

You had been learned enough over time to hold in the disappointment that would otherwise weep out, seep into your mood. Thor was to be king, soon to be king. He was first and foremost a prince of Asgard, an Avenger, then your lover. Even though you had spent time with the other heroes, and were called his girlfriend, it still felt like he wasn't serious. To be honest, nothing did.

"_______-," his voice is deep, your name a rumble of thunder in his throat. "Look at me," he pleads. You comply, and he adds, "I know it seems like all you do is wait. A day shall come where you and I will be together. Always." He promises.

But you can only doubt.

By the time you are outside, it isn't to water the garden or clean the windows again. It's to see off Thor, this time not in his rusting truck, but with his armour and regalia, hammer in hand. The sky is clear, but his eyes, they are clouded with something deeper than what you feel you can comprehend.

He leaves as soon as he comes.

By the time you are outside once again, the sky has changed, bearing heavy clouds filled with rain. You've done your work for the week, and emailed your family in an idyl hour, and still, there is something in filling your days with things that feels so empty.

When you are out, you sit in the grass, surrounded by nature. If you did not live so remotely, a neighbour would not be able to see you, hidden away from the world. If you couldn't see it, it didn't exist. The wind surrounds you, running through your empty chest as if you are not corporeal.

By the time you trick yourself to sleep, it isn't too long into the night you wake from a terror. It's the same dream every time, the flashes you feel in lonely moments. But the bed is bare beside you, and your throat thick with unshed sobs.

You lay awake for the rest of that night. Or, until you check the alarm clock, and decide there at two in the morning on something new. You shed your nightshirt, and donning day clothes, clothes and essentials shoved carelessly into a bag, you pick the keys from the stand, and the old key to the aged truck.

By five, you're well over the boarder, the wind pushing through your hair, a remedy you had forgot healed your ailment. There was something freeing about being out, driving toward somewhere you hadn't been for a while. Right on seven, you arrive there, stopping the old truck in the parking lot between a sleek Porsche and a minivan.

A familiar face greets you by the entrance, the good captain Steve Rogers,  Captain America himself. His blonde crop, short and formal sways in the breeze, a smile on his face.

"We've missed you, _________," he grips you deep in embrace, his form similar to your Asgardian significant other. It would comfort you, but Steve smells not of iron and grass, but sweat and cinnamon.  "You know, when we said you can stay whenever you want, we meant it."

You nod, "I actually came for that reason. I...I've realised I've been alone for a long time, longer than anyone should be. I won't be a burden, I promise," you swear. 

Steve waves you off. "You don't worry about a thing, _______." he beams, leading you into the compound. "In fact, Tony was asking about you the other day..." 

By the time you trick yourself to sleep, you find yourself startled awake by something. You were sleeping in Thor's allotted room, surrounded by the blankets that barely smelt like him anymore, and a thin layer of dust from the derelict state of it all. In the hour you had been asleep, the storm has come, and layering the earth with the fury of its force. The glass wall beside you is awash with water, dripping with rain like a shower of tears. In the moonlight, you curse yourself for being so attached to someone who couldn't be. You curse yourself for the nightmares, the terrors and bad dreams that echo of your history of attracting trouble. You curse yourself for even coming to the compound. But the smiles - you hadn't seen Wanda Maximoff so animated, not for the longest of times. 

A crash sounds, closer than what would have sounded of thunder. From within the bed, you flinch, pulling your arms, swathed in Thor's sweatshirts closer to your chest. It was an odd mix, you, a civilian and a hero. But you made it work, as best you could.

"Where is ______?" His voice is loud, angry, thick with emotion. He is thunder, he is a power to be reckoned with. "She left the home, she comes -," 

You feet thrust you from the bed, and stumbling, you run to the door, out to the commotion. Though you're barely dressed, the same goes for the rest of the crowds; Steve's sweatpants clash with Tony's doughnut boxers, and Nat wears an oversized football jersey. Thor, stands in the centre of the commotion, dripping wet onto the tiles, hair plastered to his skin, his armour and cape stark and brazen among the rest of the off-duty uniforms. 

"What's wrong?" you ask.

His eyes find you, and in few strides, you are crushed against Thor, inhaling his scent, soaking up his rainwater and presence like a once bone-dry sponge. The last you saw of him, he was domestic, and beautiful, but now, you can feel the presence he has, the raw power that emanates from within him. 

"________, my love, Heimdall warned me of something being wrong," he breathes into your neck, but even his lowered tone still carries his signature rumble. "I came as fast as I could, I ... I cannot bear it any longer, I - I love you _______ -," 

"Is this a freaking marriage proposal?" Clint rubs his jaw, stifling a yawn. "You break in at three in the morning to propose to your girlfriend?"

Thor nods.

Tony's eyes widen. "The extra-terrestrial is gonna make his terrestrial extra!" he whispers, and from his side, he gives you a thumb up. 

"Thor, are you -," you ask.

He nods. "I love you. I do not care if I receive the throne or not, but you shall make a fine Queen and Allmother of Asgard if I do. You and I have been going out for three years, and I do not wish to go another day with you not being more to you." His words do not run straight through you, they do not graze your knee and heal over. They break down the barriers you had built for all of your life after - after what happened. His words breathe into your lunges that had once been deflated, useless. They wake you from a sleep you had no idea you had been within. "______, my love, will you be my wife?" 

Your eyes water, but for once, they do not echo what Thor creates in the sky, what he did to his enemies. They echo yourself. "I - yes." you gasp, wrapping your arms around his chest, and add, "Yes, Thor." 

"This is going to make a great story one day," Nat grins, her smile wide and white. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to bed before I kill anyone." 

By the time you comprehend it all, you are within the arms of the man you have the deepest feelings for, and who has proved, that he too has them too. The bed is warm, thick arms rope you close to his chest, his heartbeat, steady and calming by your ear.

All is well.

[gsmhseattle]

Never (Pt. 1)

Hey everyone! I just ended “Only Freaking Superheroes” since the storyline was just getting to a point that it really needed to end. But I’m excited now about this next chapter into the Hunt’s lives. Enjoy!

Time Update-- November 14, 2036

Sarah Hunt-- 16 (almost 17, birthday on 12/26)

Jack Hunt-- 15 (6/8)

Hudson Hunt-- 8

Kenzie Hunt-- 4

Caleb, Tessa, and Eliza Hunt-- 2 (born 2/7)

Elle Shepherd-- 19 (1/12)

Emmy Shepherd— 2

Anna Avery-Kepner-- 18

Joel Avery-Kepner-- 7

“Mama…” Kenzie tiptoed into Owen and Amelia’s room that Monday morning, her red pigtails lopsided from the night’s sleep before. Her hand rubbed against her mom’s arm as she tried her best to wake her mom up.

Monsters were under her bed. Unlike what Jack or Papa or Hudson told her time and time again, she was sure that there were monsters under her precious bed. They were going to attack her. They were going to take her away from her family. They were scary and they needed  to be gone.

Once again, the little four year old tried to wake her mom up. “Mama, wake up.”

Amelia’s eyes groggily opened, looking to her little red awake. Before she could give a solid reply, she sat up a bit to see the time on the clock on the bedside.

5:30 a.m.

“Little red, why are you up so early?”

“There are monsters again, Mama.”

“We talked about this, babe. Papa sprays your room every night so the monsters stay away.”

“Well, he didn’t spray good last night. I saw a monster by my books.”

“Oh Kenzie,” Amelia sighed, hearing Owen stirring a bit beside her. Her attention turned back to her daughter. “What would you like me to do, babe?”

“I need to sleep in your room. The monsters won’t come in here cause Papa’s here.” She replied with a serious tone, making Amelia chuckle a bit.

The brunette shook her head before opening the covers to reveal a spot for her little red. “Join the party, Kenz.”

After Kenzie crawled in and snuggled right up to Amelia, she turned over to face the two little girls that lay in between her and Owen. Her hand ran through Eliza’s brown curls as she peered down to Caleb, who slept at the end of the bed with the throw blanket and his tattered bear beside him. Eventually, Owen joined her glance before the two eyes’ met.

“Kenzie joined you?”

“Curled up right beside me here. I think she’s back asleep. Hudson?”

“Nightmare. He’s right by me.”

“Only if we had Sarah and Jack that it’d be a real party.” Amelia chuckled as Owen smiled. She stared back down at Eliza and Tessa before smiling as well. “When did we end up with seven big kids?”

“Five of them still sleep with us when nightmares or monsters happen.”

“But they’re still big kids. They don’t need a Mama to hold them constantly or feed them or… Anything that a baby needs. Our babies are growing up, O.”

“You still have three that are under two who need their Mama still. And Kenzie isn’t all that independent yet.”

“But she’s still as sassy as ever.”

Owen chuckled as well as Amelia met his glance again. “That she is. But she still needs you. And Hudson’s nearing there, Jack’s in the same boat… Sarah needs you still. Your job as a Mama isn’t done yet, Amelia.”

“It’s never done, is it?”

“Never.”

Jack poured a glass of orange juice hours later the same morning. The sun continued peak through the clouds, trying it’s best to rise quickly but being hindered still. Mornings were usually still at the Hunt home.

Sarah and Jack were up early alongside either Amelia or Owen, depending on who was going to work first that day. Then Hudson followed once Sarah and Jack got on the road, having one of the parents take him to the bus stop. Finally, Kenzie and the triplets would be taken to preschool and the hospital’s daycare, respectively, depending on the day their parents had planned.

“You’re up, Jack?”

A voice startled him slightly as he sipped his cup. His mother sauntered in, a sweatshirt covering the majority of her torso, leggings, and her hair up in a bun. He smiled before shrugging.

“I’m here, physically that is.”

“Homework all done?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Anything I need to sign?”

“No ma’am.”

“Okay,” Amelia chuckled once more, sitting on one of the stools by the island. “I know your dad and you are now pretty close. But this whole ‘yes ma’am, no ma’am’ thing needs to pause for a moment. I’m your mom. You can call me mom and your dad, dad.”

Jack shrugged. “Hey, is Sarah up yet?”

“I don’t know. I’ll go see what her deal is today.” She remarked, beginning her trek upstairs to find her eldest.

Ever since the school year began, Sarah had been acting odd. Many were the days that Sarah opted to miss school because making friends became hard after Elle graduated and Anna moved, staying motivated in class was challenging, and she struggled in every school aspect after the accident occurred over a year ago. The effects greatly showed this year.

Amelia tried her best to reach out in every situation, offering ways to help Sarah and make the best of the situation—counseling, support groups, rehab, and more. Yet, she continued to spiral down the rabbit hole. Sarah did open up to her, yes. But nothing at school improved.

Knocking at her door, Amelia leaned on it with hopes that Sarah would hear her. “Honey bee, time to wake up.”

“I’m up.” She heard a long moan in return.

“Are you going to school?”

A silence was met as the mother began to open the door, showing the sleepy Sarah sitting straight up in her bed. Her messy bun and loose hairs highlighted her droopy eyes. Amelia smiled at her oldest.

Sarah sighed, grabbing the covers and returning under them. “I don’t want to.”

“What’s up this time, babe? Talk to me. Don’t ignore me.”

Still under the sheets, Sarah gave a muffled response. “I don’t like the kids at my school or the teachers. They suck.”

“I know they do, babe. We’re trying our best to figure this all out. Take a day. I’ll email your teachers for your homework.” She moved closer to her daughter, pulling the covers back a bit to give her girl a kiss. “Remember that I love you still, my sweet honey bee.”

“Love you too, Mom.” Sarah muffled back.

“Amelia, she has to go to school at some point. We can’t just continue to keep her at home and have her do schoolwork here. It’s going to catch up to her somehow.” Owen commented whilst pouring a cup of coffee for the working mother.

Both had the day off once Hudson, Jack, and Kenzie were off at their respective schools, and Sarah did schoolwork up in her room. It was nice to have some almost one-on-one time with the triplets, enjoying the last bit of time they had with their littles before they also grew up like their big kids already had.

“I know, but I hate forcing her to go to a school where she isn’t making friends, struggles with her schoolwork, and… I don’t want my baby to have to go through that.” Amelia sighed, keeping a stray eye on the triplets.

“But Amelia.. We have no other option. Either Sarah continues to fall behind in school or we tell her to push through and it’ll get better.”

“Owen, neither of those are options.” Amelia put her cup down, going to the desk behind her and grabbing a pamphlet, and showed it to her husband. “I think we should look into transferring her.”

Looking down at the pamphlet before it, the red head’s eyes widened. “Charles Wright Academy?”

“Yeah. It’s on the southern point of the Sound, surrounded by green trees—“

“Which we have up here on the northern point.”

Amelia rolled her eyes. “Regardless, Mr. Obvious, it’s a great school—academically and athletically. The class numbers are smaller, thus the better chance for Sarah to get more one-on-one time with her schoolwork and her mental health. She won’t get lost in a sea of students. The teachers genuinely care—“

“How do you know so much already?”

She bit her lip before giving a nervous look. “I may or may not have visited last week with her when she stayed home from school.”

“Wha.. Amelia!”

“What? She seemed to have enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. They’re taking great interest in her, especially with all the crap she's gone through the past few months.”

“Amel… Sarah!” Owen called up the stairs to Sarah as he turned back to his wife. “I’m not mad. I’m just confused with what happened. This conversation moved quicker than I had expected.”

Sarah came down the stairs. Her hair was now in a bun as she wore one of Owen’s old shirts and a pair of her sweatpants. As Owen beckoned her to come closer, she pulled herself up to sit on the kitchen island.

“What’s up?” She replied a bit more chipper than she was this morning.

Owen, now standing beside her daughter, threw an arm around her and pulled her close before pecking the side of her head. “How’s my bee this morning?”

“Good.”

“How’s homework?”

Sarah sighed, resting her head on Owen’s shoulder. “The usual—struggling to understand it.”

Amelia smiled. “But what else is new?”

Owen smiled back at Sarah. “Sar, how would you feel if I told you we may want to transfer you?”

“Like transfer schools?” She replied, somewhat confused.

Amelia joined her daughter on the counter and snuggled close. “Remember that school we visited last week?”

Looking between her parents, the brunette eyebrows knit together. “Yeah… Why?”

“Did you like it?”

“More or less. It was better than Lincoln Park. The campus is nice and clean. The kids in their Upper School are pretty nice. The teachers are good. Their headmasters for the school and Upper School are kind… Their soccer team is okay.”

Owen smiled to Amelia as they both knew how desperate Sarah was to start up soccer once more. Her head injury had thrown them all for a loop as they adjusted their lives temporarily to help Sarah recover and more. But now as life adjusted back to its new normal, her heart desired to be back out on that field doing the thing she loved most.

“Are you implying that they’d be better with you on it?” Her father jeered, making the girl laughed.

“Maybe…” Sarah chuckled and looked to Amelia. “Why are you guys asking me about that school?”

Amelia looked up to Owen and then back to Sarah, a slight grin on her face. “How would you feel about transferring there for the rest of the semester?”

“Transferring to a new school in a place we’re barely familiar with? Mom, you almost missed the turn that led up to the school.”

“In my defense, Sarah, Tacoma is a very odd place.”

“Regardless, you two,” Owen drew them back into the conversation. “How would you feel about transferring to Charles Wright?”

Giving a moment, Sarah took a pause. She thought about the idea of transferring for the second time in her life now. Worries came that it could be just like California—getting even more screwed up with drugs, making bad choices with her friend groups, and more. What if the nightmare that controlled her life sprung up once more and took control of it?

But at the same time, she found her peace. She remembered touring the school last week, how it was completely different from both Lincoln Park and California. The people there cared about her rather than just caring about her athleticism or grades or even looks. She wasn’t a number. She was a person. The possibilities at Charles Wright were endless. Maybe this could be a good thing.

“Good. I’ll go.”

Amelia and Owen both looked at her, shocked once more. She didn’t take the usual time to think and such. It was just a quick response.

“Babe,” Amelia responded, grabbing Sarah’s face so she could face her own. “Are you sure about this? We want you to be happy and thriving. If this is what we have to do to have that, then I’m sure we’ll do it.”

“Yeah. They gave us the application last week, right?”

“Yes ma’am, they did.” Amelia, now surprised and joyful, replied. She looked up to Owen with a smile. Her expression mirrored his.

Sarah watched the two before rolling her eyes. “Let’s fill it out and get me out of this house. I can’t take you two having silent, eye sex anymore with me in the room.”

The parents laughed tons before Sarah joined in moments later. Finally, the steps to moving onto yet another new chapter of Sarah’s life had begun.

“Oh you… Come here.” Amelia put her arm around her, just like Owen had done at the beginning of the conversation. “We are in love with you, Sarah Addison. Never forget that, okay?”

“Got it, Mama. I have to go work on homework. I’ll talk to you guys later.” She pecked Amelia then Owen respectively before hoping off the counter. “Love you, Papa. Love you, Mama.”

Amelia, now wrapped up in Owen’s embrace, smiled as the girl left the room and headed upstairs. “Love you too, babe.”

[scenariosofkonoha]

Kagami Uchiha Scenario

I wrote this one about two years ago, but I still think it’s cute and Kagami is my boy, soooooo....

Jolting awake out of sudden fear of the high pitched ringing of a vicious alarm clock, the messy haired Uchiha completely forgot all the stealth he had gained over the years and nearly jumped out of his skin to the blasting of the alarm. Instantly sitting straight up, he tried to regain his bearings while making that awful noise stop. Not being used to actually hearing the alarm, simply because you were always the one to wake him up, Kagami fumbled around trying to turn the small torture device off.

After about thirty seconds of attempting to shut the damn thing off, the young Uchiha just gave up and took the batteries out and threw it all back on the small nightstand, not really caring about anything, but making it stop. Once the noise had ceased making his ears bleed and his heartbeat had slowed down a bit, he simply fell back against the bed and began to rub his eyes, attempting to truly wake up and become functional again, which might have taken a couple of days or so....

Now, if there was one thing that not many people knew, it was that Kagami Uchiha, one of the greatest ninja in the whole village and one of the most powerful Sharingan users to ever live, was incapable of thinking a single thought during the first fifteen minutes of waking up…

And in this fifteen minute waiting period, he just remained looking up at the ceiling of his bedroom, feeling the cool morning breeze brush against his bare chest. He had a mission today, he knew that, but anything else he couldn’t process that just yet. Slightly yawing, he then ran a hand through his hair and shifted his view of the the left side of the bed, which now lie empty. Narrowing his eyes slightly, he wondered to where you had gone- probably had to go grab medical supplies for the mission- but still why were you up so early? Why hadn’t you woken him up? Didn’t you know that he and the alarm clock had a rough relationship?

Knowing that it was probably best to figure out where his team’s medical ninja had gone, Kagami lifted himself out of bed and began to roam around his house. Mindlessly, he wandered through the small two person home, still trying to wake himself up. He knew it had to be done quickly, because he had to meet with Hiruzen in an hour or so to get going on his mission over to the Land of Waves, and there was no way he could be half asleep during that.

Soon enough, he reached the kitchen and immediately saw you, turned around, your long onyx locks reaching the small of your back as you read some letter. A slight smile came upon his face as he saw this. To him, you were absolute perfection and you were his and only his, which was part of the reason he saw his life as good as he did.

Truthfully, he still questioned how he had been so lucky to have ended up where he was. Yes, you had always been by his side; you had been his best friend since he could remember, but you had been so against giving up your independence that had to be done to be in a relationship that he had never thought that he would be able to be with you.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be by his side. No, that was far from it, but you still lived in a time where being a ninja was still seen as a male’s job, and you were one of Konoha’s earliest kunoichi, so you had to fight to be somewhere that Kagami could get to without even batting an eye. You were one who was of equal standing to Kagami, of course your Sharingan was no where close to his caliber, but you were currently the strongest medical ninja that the nation had, yet still it could be rough being the only girl on a mission. So, needless to say, sometimes you needed remain independent in order to receive the respect you deserved, and that was something that Kagami never blamed you for…

But that blessed day where you realized that being happy with Kagami had nothing to do with giving up independence was the day where your future’s changed from two different endings to the same ending. Somehow, he made you his, and within a year of you agreeing to a date, he married you…

And today, he didn’t really know how he lived before thinking that he would never be able to wake up to your beautiful face everyday.

Making his way over to you, he wrapped both arms around your waist and gently pulled you closer to him, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck, the whole time muttering, “We need to talk about getting rid of that alarm clock, ‘cause rather have you wake me up…”

Giving a small laugh, you gently folded the letter you were holding and shifted your eyes back to Kagami, “Having a rough morning with the alarm?” you questioned gently.

“You couldn’t even imagine.” he murmured as he pulled you in even closer to him.

Again you just laughed.

Then turning around so you could face your husband, you gently took his face and kissed his forehead, “I’ll work on it, ok?” you murmured as you gently ran your thumb along his jawline. Knowing very well that he only had about thirty minutes before having to leave, you tried to move him along in order for him to meet the Hokage on time- Hiruzen may have on your team for years, but he was still Hokage, and the least you two could do is show up on time. “You gotta get ready to go out with Hiruzen and that lot. I was talking to Intel yesterday and they said there were a lot of rogues out there, so you two better be ready for anything.” you offered up softly.

Slightly narrowing his eyes at you as you two departed, Kagami questioned your distant speech. “I know I’m usually the one who can’t think in the morning, but you know Hiruzen wanted you on this mission too...?” he spoke wearily, not truly knowing whether or not he had heard you right in the beginning. “There’s a lot of innocents getting harmed in that area, so you were his first pick on the mission…” he said, doing his best to remember the information on the mission.

Sighing slightly, you just shook your head. “Kagami… I’m not going on the mission…” you stated, something that you probably should have told him the moment you knew.

Kagami raised an eyebrow and shook his head right back to this before interjecting. “_____, I love you, but that’s not how missions work.” he offered up, trying not to sound like a jerk, but still trying to get his point across. “Hiruzen gives us a mission and we go on it regardless, we can’t say yes or no. We’re two of his top ninja…” he stated gently.

Still, you knew more than he did at this moment, which caused you to smile at the confused Uchiha. “No, Kagami. There are exceptions.” you spoke a light tone to your voice.

Running a hand through his hair, because he was now worried that his wife had gone insane, the messy haired 26 year old tried again. “Love, I know you’re our top medical ninja and you’re our strongest female Sharingan user, but you can’t just say you’re not going on the mission the morning of. It just doesn’t work like that. If you did that Hiruzen’s going to-” he began to ramble, but was stopped by a ginger pair of hands cupping his face.

“Shh, Kagami. Trust me.” you offered with a small smile. “I’ve already taken care of it. I’ve talked to Hiruzen and he was completely ok with it.  He’s sending you out with a different medical nin. Don’t worry.” you explained.

Placing his hand onto on yours, Kagami still remained confused. “But why aren’t you going?”

Laughing slightly, you offered up one question, “You really wanna know?”

“Yes! Why are you making Hiruzen send me out on a mission with some random medical nin? You’re you, he really can’t give us anything equivalent. We’ve been going on missions since we were 10, why don’t you want to go now?” he began to ramble, something he really only did around you.

“Kagami.” you stopped him.

“_____.” he repeated.

“I’m pregnant.” you offered up with a smile.

And for a moment, he just looked at you with those warm eyes… nothing passing through that messy head of his.

“Wait. What.” he asked again, the morning still getting the best of him.

Giggling, you simply nodded. “You heard me.”

Instantly grabbing a hold onto your face, he check to see if he was hearing you again. “Pregnant, like baby pregnant?” he asked urgently, almost as if the world depended on it.

“Last time I checked that was the only type,” you chuckled.

Still holding onto your face, he looked to you almost as if he were about to cry. “Really…?”

Slowly nodding, you held onto one of his hands, “Really.”

And with that single word, he pulled you into a tight hug and gingerly rocked back and forth, cradling you oh so lovingly. “I’m gonna be a dad…” he murmured into you, still almost at a loss for words. He hadn’t really thought of being a father right at that moment, but it was something he had always wanted, and for you to tell him that you were pregnant…

There were not words to describe the joy he felt that morning. You had given him everything he had ever wanted and now…

Kagami Uchiha was the luckiest Uchiha who would ever grace the Earth.

“I love you… so, so much.” he whispered as he remained holding onto you.

“Love you too, Kagami…”

[empresspilaf-blog]

these are actually hella fucking cute y’all

I’m answering all of these because as previously stated I have a real thing for filling stuff out. I like being asked questions it’s fun, keeps my brain workin’ :D

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More milk. And I never drink it at the end. I can’t, I’ll get sick. I can’t drink milk, and if I have cereal too often I’ll get sick. But it’s just not right if there isn’t lots of milk D’: 2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? NOOOOOOOOOOO DDDDD: 3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Anything? I think there’s a Mythology book around here somewhere with a peanut M&M’s wrapper in it.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I don’t put anything in tea, and I’ll drink black coffee, but sometimes I put creamer in it. If it’s available. I like peppermint mocha best yum :D

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Nope! I think it’s pretty nice, actually. It’s one ofthe few things I actually like about myself lol. I hate my body and my acne but I think my nose, eyes, and smile are decent. I had braces so my teeth are straight. I didn’t wear my top retainer though so there’s a small gap, but it doesn’t bother me. Except when I eat apples. The skin always gets stuck >:( My teeth could be whiter, and they’re small and square looking, but I think my smile is alright.

6: do you keep plants? No, but I want to. I just can’t keep up with that stuff. And my room faces a very shaded yard so sunlight really doesn’t come in. 

7: do you name your plants? I totally would! 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I prefer to draw with pencil/colored pencil, charcoal, and I’m trying to use inking pens. I suck at painting lol. I did just get a tablet, though, and Autodesk Sketchbook. So that’s been fun to play with.  9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Oh yeah. I would love to be able to sing really well. So far I can do a decent Marilyn Monroe impression lol. My favorite thing to sing along to is No Doubt. I love Gwen’s voice. It’s a good exercise too, all the vibrato and crazy patterns she does. I also like to sing Heart, too. My boyfriend says I sound pretty good, but I still won’t let anyone else hear me lol. Even though he’s a musician and probably knows what he’s talking about, I still don’t think it’s that great haha 10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Yes.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Hmm I can’t think of any that don’t require a long explanation lol. Well okay, how about this. I didn’t ever really drink until I turned 21 (almost exactly a year ago, January 17!), and then when we’d hag out with friends and I’d get drunk, I’d start going up to people whispering “Hey. I’ve never been drunk before” in their ear lol. Like ever time it happened (which wasn’t all that much, I’m still not a huge drinker). It got to the point that now if I drink, everyone goes “Watch out for Robyn, she’s getting drunk for the first time!” 

12: what’s your favorite planet? Uranus ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  Hehe uhm Jupiter, because it’s full of gas, like me? I’ve honestly never really thought about this. I think Neptune is the prettiest, and I like the idea that humans may be able to live on Mars.  ~Sailor Pluto is my favorite Sailor Scout. :D

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? A mess hahahahahahahahahaaha. She has three cats and I have a dog. We both have depression, anxiety, BPD, OCD, and ADHD. (fun fact, our diagnoses are identical. We both have PTSD as well). But we love doing crafts and not cleaning our rooms, so I imagine there would be glitter, scrap fabric, pencil shavings, and wadded up paper everywhere. Among the pet hair, of course! 15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! 99% of the solar system’s mass is the sun! (shit!) 16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? S P A G H E T T I

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Uhm well I’ve literally had every color lol. But right now, I’m having a lot of trouble getting red to stick to the lengths, it keeps fading to brown immediately. My hair is very damaged so it’s not too cooperative at this point :/

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. Uhm ok so I have IBS pretty bad, right? My friends and I went to Denny’s one night. We came back to one friend’s house, and I needed to fart (Sorry, this is gonna be gross lol). So as my friend Nick was coming up the stairs, I stuck my butt out and farted on his chest area. Only I didn’t fart. I pooped on him. HAHA and now everyone laughs at me because I shit on the bass player! The best part was I ran to the bathroom and I had my boyfriend get my spare undies from the car (gotta have those when you got that Irritable Bowel), and when I went back downstairs, Nick had no idea what had happened lololololol 19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? Nopeee 20: what’s your favorite eye color? I mean as far as what I find attractive, brown. Big brown eyes. On guys and girls. But especially guys. Girls with light eyes can still be cute but I think dark eyed men are just the best <3 That’s not to say there aren’t also some attractive men with light eyes (points to Bradley Cooper, Chris Hemsworth, Conrad Veidt, J o n a t h a n  J o e s t a r). 21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. My smiley backpack! I just started really using it about a year ago, but I got it when I was like 3. so it’s around 19 years old. I actually just ripped one of the straps out partially last night, and I gotta sew it (thanks for the reminder!). It’s about a foot in diameter, and it’s just a giant yellow circle with a simple black smile and eyes and two straps. 22: are you a morning person? If by morning person you mean I stay up all night and am awake still when morning comes. Though I was up from Thursday evening to last night with no sleep, so I slept all last night and have been up since 6:30 this morning. 23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Well since I’m pathetic and I don’t have a job and the Kent State University won’t let me have Financial Aid (due to dropping my classes last semester because of HEALTH ISSUES, wtf), every day is like that. I hate it, actually. I do nothing but sleep. I stare at my computer for hours, scroll tumblr and Facebook, get out drawing supplies and then stare at the paper and cry, lay in bed and cry, cry and cry ;u; 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? My boyfriend, Mr. Alexander Tortorella. He’s been one of my best friends since 2010, and my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. Also my two closest friends, Taylor, who I’ve been best buds with for over ten years (we even got tattoos together) and my friend Ryanne who I mentioned before (the one with all the problems like me lol). 25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? No where, I’ve never broken into anyplace. Other than my car once because I locked the keys in it lol. 26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? I actually have these flat slip on clogs that have like a brown sweater fabric that I got in 2006. I wear them pretty much all fall/winter if I’m just running to the store or to someone’s house. If there’s no snow, of course lol. I also have Converse I got in 2007 that have the British flag on them, and The Who’s logo on the tongue. there’s smiley faces drawn on the rubber at the toe, and along the side banding one one of them are lyrics to “What a Catch Donnie” by Fall Out Boy.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? I love regular bubblegum’s taste but it doesn’t last long enough to bother. 28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset 29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Uhh…? My friends aren’t really “cute” people hahahahaha. I mean Taylor has called me “Bobert” for years and that’s funny lol 30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yeah this one time when I was little I floated too far on a raft in Lake Erie and thought I was gonna end up in dying lol. I mean compared to other things that have happened in my life that really isn’t anything too bad, but the fear I felt at the time was so immense. 31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love socks! Cool socks. I’ve got Marvel hero socks, whale socks, Star Wars socks, Sailor Moon socks, Winnie the Pooh sicks, sailboat socks, and funky pattern socks. I hate sleeping in socks though. I also have a collection of black dress socks from marching band haha 32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I got naked and chased a friend down the street when I was 17. That was my one experience being drunk before I was 21 lol 33: what’s your fave pastry? Friggin Oreo Poptarts. They count. 34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Little Pooh! And Big Pooh! I have a like 2 and a half foot sitting Pooh Bear and a small one. I dragged them both everywhere when I was little. I still slept with the small one until I was like 16. But it’s so worn and falling apart, I needed to switch to a larger version to cuddle lol. Now I just kinda cuddle whatever teddy bear or stuffed animal I grab haha 35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Yes, but I don’t really have them. I do have some super cool Norman Rockwell notecards. And I have rainbow pens I use to color coordinate notes. I’’l freaking rip a page out and re-write everything if i mess up. 36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Well I’m currently listening to “Fly” by Sugar Ray and I’d say that’s doin’ it pretty well :D 37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Yeah so have you seen a tornado’s aftermath? 38: tell us about your pet peeves! People who chew their nails (Glares at Alex, even though he’s not here). Girls who talk all hood, and act dumb for attention, then get offended when you don’t take them seriously.  39: what color do you wear the most? Black lol 40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I wear a ring everyday, I only take it off to shower. Alex has one too. They’re silver bands, and they have the coordinates to our high school engraved in them (that’s where we met). One has the latitude, one the longitude. Inside mine it says “Alex”, his says “Robyn”. 41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? White Oleander by Janet Fitch. 42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! I just like Starbucks. I’m a white girl. Sue me. 43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Alex 44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? əʇndɯoɔ ʇou səop 45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Oh, no. I overthink everything 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I can’t just do this on the spot!!! The other day a friend asked if I was going into the medical field, because I was really nursing my beer lol 47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? BEANS. All beans. Fuck beans. 48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Yep, spiders. 49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? The last CD I bought I think was Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance. I’ve had every word of it memorized for like 10 years, but I never actually owned a hard copy. The last record I bought was probably Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin. *note; as I was moving on to the next question, the song “Houses of the Holy” came on my iTunes o.O (though let it be noted as well that the song “Houses of the Holy” is actually on the album “Physical Graffiti). 50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Souls. And old empty bottles. Like empty pop bottles. Not so much anymore, but I have a ton of them in my room that I use as decoration 51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Pretty much anything from Def Leppard’s Pyromania or Van Halen’s 1984 reminds me of my dad because those are his favorite albums (and 2 of mine) 52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? I mean the salt guy is funny? I’ve really been slacking in the dank meme area lately. I am truly ashamed. 53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I have only seen Beetlejuice of those (I knowwww), and I like it, but the heavy late 80′s asthetic creeps me out a bit. Not the stuff that’s supposed to be creepy, but all the black and white checkerboard and stripes, bright colors, and things like that lol 54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My dog, because I wouldn’t let her have her bone back (it was bed time!) 55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? We don’t need to discuss that. Once again; I have BPD. That should tell you plenty. 56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Not being an asshole. That’s about it. 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I mean I do sometimes, other times I just listen and enjoy it. My friend Nick did a project for school (he’s a music production major) where he mixed the original tracks differently, and he made the bass and snare more prevalent and now the original sounds empty to me hahaha 58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? Lol what??? I mean I drink wine more than anything, but I probably drink more vodka than anyone else too lol. Most of them just smoke that reefer to be honest. Alex and I don’t, he doesn’t drink either. And I rarely drink vodka. But no one else ever does lol 59: what’s your favorite myth? The brown sound lol. The idea that there is a decibel so low that if you hear it, you’ll poop yourself! They proved it to be false on Mythbusters, though. 60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I used to write poetry a lot. I actually was published in a national anthology of selected student poets in 9th grade. I have trouble being creative anymore, though. I like Thoreau and Walt Whitman. We studied them in 11th grade. 61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I’ve never really given a gag gift. Though one time I wrapped a robe I got my sister in a series of boxes and duct tape just to mess with her :D I wouldn’t say I’ve ever received anything “stupid”. 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Nope. I like apple juice, though. Orange juice makes me sick. Acid reflux issues. 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? OOOOHHHHHH Gotta be in alphabetical order. Though currently my books are strewn across my floor, mixed in with clothes, my Sailor Moon VHS collection, shoes, makeup, blah blah blah 64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Really light grey. Ohio is bland and gross. 65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? My friend Taylor. she doesn’t live very close so I don’t ever see her anymore :’( 66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? I have a few I made over the summer. My favorite is just a bunch of daisies. I love daisies <3 67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Lol indifferent. That’s what today looks like, and pretty much everyday around here. 68: what’s winter like where you live? Well when I was younger, it was snowy and bright and fun. Now it barely snows, and it’s always gloomy and muddy and gross. My basement flooded a couple days ago because it rained so hard.  69: what are your favorite board games? MONOPOLYYYY. I got a Dogopoly for Christmas hehe. I like Sorry and Clue a lot too. 70: have you ever used a ouija board? Nope

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Green tea, and the youthberry/ wild orangeblosson tea from Teavanna 72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yeah pretty much. And I still always tell myself I won’t forget shit, and then I do. 73: what are some of your worst habits? Smoking cigarettes, sleeping too much, drinking pop instead of water, picking my nose lol. I’m twitchy and fidgety but that’s just the OCD and ADHD. 74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Uhhhhhhhhh “Big fat faggot”. (that’s actually how he would describe himself, he likes going up to people and saying “I’m REALLY gay”) 75: tell us about your pets! I have my darling baby Mae Mae, she’s around 9(??) she’a a black mutt that looks like a bear/wolf lol. I got her from the Humane Society. Then there’s Bellatrix, who my mom got from the HS. She’s a brindle boxer, almost 4 years old. We have a 7 month old kitten named Hosta. My mom found her in the hosta bushes outside this summer, so we named her after the flowers lol. We also have a guinea pig, of my sister’s, named Alfie. He’s about 2? 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? I could use a shower. 77: pink or yellow lemonade? Pink <3

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I thought they were cute in Despicable Me, but it’s gotten way out of hand. 79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Alex once bought me ice cream and flowers and made a sign that said “sorry for being a douche”. I don’t even remember what he did wrong, it was cute :3 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Well a few months before we moved in, I painted them purple. Then I decided that was boring like a couple weeks before we moved, and I got tihs cool 70s-looking (or even 30s really) floral wallpaper with like gold and pewter flowers and I put it on two walls. I painted the one wall orange, the tiny bit around the closet sage green, and the area around the door with chalkboard paint. Then I got mad one day about a year later and went and bought light green and covered the orange. I still don’t really know why lol. 81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. Dude what? I don’t stare at anyone’s eyes?  82: are/were you good in school? HAHAHAHHA. I got suspended for mooning someone. That’s all you need to know. 83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Queen’s News of the World has a sweet cover. Def Leppard’s High N’ Dry, Smashing Pumpkins’ Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, Aphex Twin’s “Windowlicker” single, of course. Green Day’s Dookie, Dio’s Holy Diver. There are aa TON but you know. I’m getting sick of typing lol 84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I’m planning on getting a lot lol. Currently a Ginger Rogers close-up on my forearm. I have a Pooh sketch on my side, “You’re braver than you believe” (Pooh quote) written in my friend’s handwriting on my right shoulder, and “There’s still time to change the road you’re on” on my right foot (”Stairways to Heaven” lyrics). 85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Yes, Marvel, Infinity Gauntlet is my favorite. (not including manga because I’m ready to be done with this lol) 86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Yeah, they’re cool! Currently I’ve been listening to To Pimp a Butterfly a lot, actually. 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Star Wars (original 3), Back to the Future, A Clockwork Orange, Metropolis 88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? A R T  D E C O, art nouveau 89: are you close to your parents? My mother. I don’t talk to my father much. He was abusive to me, he’s an alcoholic. 90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. I don’t really have any? I don’t live cities very much. 91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I’m going to North Carolina for a wedding, that’s about all I can think of. Probably going camping. 92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? CHEESE ME BABY 93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Well I’m mostly just at home doing nothing so it’s just kinda down and pushed back out of my face. But when I go somewhere it’s usually something pinup-y or 2 buns on top of my head. 94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Taylor’s was December 29. But mine is Tuesday! :DDD 95: what are your plans for this weekend? Alex has a show tonight, so there’s that. 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? ”Remind me tomorrow” 97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Don’t know, I’ve never taken one of those tests. I’ve started to, but I can’t really answer the questions right. My answer can go either way, my mood is always changing. I don’t believe it’s easy to pin down a BPD patient’s type. I’m a Capricorn, and I’m not really into Harry Potter. My IQ is pretty high though, lol. I’m proud of that. It’s the one thing I have haha. 98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? I don’t remember, but I know I whined the entire time because I’m out of shape lol 99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Uhhhh. My brain isn’t functioning at a very deep emotional level right now lol I can’t think of any? I guess “Blown Away” by Carrie Underwood, it reminds me of my father.  100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Neither. I don’t want to change the way things are now. Sure, I’d love to tell myself “Don’t gain twice your body weight” and “don’t drop our of high school or college” but like, Butterfly Effect. I know somehow that would make it so I never reconnect with Alex, or I end up dating someone I wasn’t happy with, or what if somehow I got in a car wreck and died as a result of something stupid? And I don’t want to see the future. What happens happens and I don’t want to live in anticipation.

Feel free to talk to me about any of this stuff! I welcome friends, I’m lonely haha

[breathinghere]

A Message For A Season of Lament

From the complications of loving you I think there is no end or return. No answer, no coming out of it. Which is the only way to love, isn’t it? This isn’t a play ground, this is earth, our heaven, for a while. Therefore I have given precedence to all my sudden, sullen, dark moods that hold you in the center of my world. And I say to my body: grow thinner still. And I say to my fingers, type me a pretty song. And I say to my heart: rave on. – Mary Oliver, Thirst

4 AM has become a time I wake up now - stirred awake from slumber and straight into clear thoughts. Clear thoughts that feel strangely relieving and unwelcome all at once. I’ve written some of my deepest revelations of this past year during this dark hour, feeling the fog lift off my brain and my soul now - though tears run down my face as I frantically write into my journal, this new substitute companion of mine.

Over this past year I had a continuing conversation with a person I love about holding both the beautiful and the painful at the same time in open palms. The trouble with that concept for me, however, is that over time I’ve become a fist-clencher. And yet, over this past year my fist clenching did not lead me to a calmer soul or trusting heart - it drove me away from them, if anything. It did not draw me closer to God or assist in laying a firm foundation for which my relationship could grow and thrive on. My fists clenched in anxiety over realities that I wanted to believe could change while I stayed my own chosen course - that not giving up on what I wanted would solve all the painful questions and uncertainties. 

Sometimes I think God chooses to change your course when you won’t listen. 

So here I sit now, in a painful season of uncertainty and lament, with the beautiful and the broken sitting in both my palms - now too heavy to wrap my hands around - so I have no choice but to keep my hands open. And I cry out into the atmosphere with questions upon questions upon questions. 

Why? being the beginning of a lot of them. 

I feel like that about the world right now too. In a season of lament that has descended upon my community post shocking realizations about how some people do actually view me and my friends and my family - I’m left with dozens of questions. Why do people hate each other so much? Why do we have a demagogue for a president-elect? Why do people believe deep inside of them that people of color, women, and members of the LGBTQ community are less than deserving of basic human rights: affordable health care, good food, good schools, and a warm place to lay their bodies at night? Why do some people claim to follow Jesus and then turn their backs on their brothers, sisters, sons and daughters over legalistic thought processes? 

Why, in this season of bitter cold, iced over streets and grey skies do so many of us feel stuck in our questions, our pasts, our gaping wounds? What is God trying to say to us? 

Is the Spirit groaning for us here too? When all that is left is releasing what we believed to be true? Is this what God wants from us - our wailing, our uncertainties, our failures? Perhaps. Perhaps he still wants all of us - even now as we lick wounds we thought we could heal ourselves.

Perhaps we live in a world and culture of striving and moving so fast and quickly we don’t have to stare the hardest and most painful things in the face - feel them, touch them, breathe them. Perhaps we are moving so quickly surrounded by distractions and noise that we fail to hear God invite us into a better story. Perhaps it’s easier to remain blind - but I can’t believe that is what God wants for us either. I don’t think God causes pain and suffering - nor will I ever believe he has chosen that as our path. But maybe, sometimes, this Creator of the universe allows it? Maybe he wants our heads turned back towards the purpose he has made us for, and remind us that our job is to spread truth, and hope, and light. Maybe what has been distracting us isn’t ready to be part of that yet. That doesn’t mean it couldn’t be, perhaps something just has to shift first. But as I seem to be reminded of, God wants our full attention, and his timing never makes any sense in the moment. 

Maybe we, I’ve, been so distracted by what I think I could do without God that I failed to see how much more I could do if God was the very foundation of my choice. And I can’t say I didn’t try - but sometimes the reality is it is seemingly impossible to trust God with what he has allowed to be taken from us before....

Yep. Trust Issues. 

The beautiful thing that I’m holding in this open palm though is that I still believe in the glories I have witnessed in my life - the redemptions - and the once thought to be impossible healing. The beautiful thing is that even in our laments, friends, God carries us in our grieving if we give way, and sometimes grief strips us to that point all on its own. He surrounds us with others that will hold you, feed you, and walk shoulder to shoulder hand in hand with you and say, “me too.” He will bless you with compassion for the ones who hurt you and who you’ve hurt - and the kingdom will keep on breaking through. Even in this mess.

This life is crazy and confusing and full of seasons I will never fully understand. But what I know is that in our discomfort, and our pain, and our suffering - though he may have pulled us onto a road to walk only with him for a while - is God will never abandon us in this wilderness. Even deserts bloom. 

So I hope, as I tell myself, in our questions and our grief, we will keep our hands open - to believe in the impossible - to let this season be as the winter is; resting the earth for rebirth once again. Not all is lost, my friends. Hang on. We will rise again together. 

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,    for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning;    great is your faithfulness. 24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;    therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,    to the one who seeks him; 26 it is good to wait quietly    for the salvation of the Lord. 27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke    while he is young.

28 Let him sit alone in silence,    for the Lord has laid it on him. 29 Let him bury his face in the dust—    there may yet be hope. 30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,    and let him be filled with disgrace.

31 For no one is cast off    by the Lord forever. 32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,    so great is his unfailing love. 33 For he does not willingly bring affliction    or grief to anyone. (Lamentations 3)