#and im afraid if i do it bad itll scare me away from ever trying again .

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

oh my god i think i just had an epiphany

[delphientropy]

please read our DNI before interacting. thank you!

actually, i honestly wanted to talk about our innerworld and system functions in general for a while. so im gonna talk about my system experiences for once i guess

for as long as we realized we were a system (which must have been around a year or less now) we always doubted ourself because our system was just... weird. thats why i never talked about it. i was very afraid of being fakeclaimed.

we do split from stress and trauma, and some of us do have jobs, but oddly, so many of us dont have any jobs at all. it seems like i, the host, do almost everything and am the sole provider of the system, and if i went dormant, everything would probably just collapse.

our innerworld is SO fucking weird. we have no idea whwere our dormant alters go- or most alters, really, because not that many alters have any access or memory of any innerworld. the sections in the innerworld are categorized by source (oddly, source plays a huge part in our system functioning for whatever reason), and even then its all so fuzzy and messy and off.

it all looks like the incomplete worldbuilding of a kid. loopholes, unanswered questions, random splits and no roles, nothing is organized and everything is chaos- bad memory, basically only one alter is doing everything ever and hes fucking stressing out (and nothing we can do about it because he cant voluntarily leave), random islands in fucking space— what about the oxygen? it really just screams made up fantasy world some child made. like our entire system is run by some small imaginative kid whos obsession for fiction and fantasy and chaos and yet also control while being disorganized.

ive been told many times that our coping mechanism is to avoid. forget. distract. comfort. thats why we have a MILLION fictives. its like a machine in the back of our mind, always humming, always making more fragments that act like characters we know and find comfort in. nah they dont have a role theyre just. there. it doesn't make sense. theres no gatekeepers, rarely protectors, just fictives. fictives with no roles just fictives and fictives and more fictives. one day itll work. every problem will go away if we just make more fictives, the machine whispers. if we just have more comfort, all of it.

i guess it all ties into our kind of trauma and our other disorders which cause chaos and disarray. everything is unexplained. the random pain. dormancy. the entire innerworld itself. its seems complex and structured on the outside, and it sure is creative, but theres no structure. its a kid throwing multiple concepts together to make a really dumb world and a dumb story with it.

if i could make it organized and make it function, i would, but i can barely see it. i cant make up shit and suddenly our brain functions normally. i cant pretend like our innerworld doesnt have patches and holes and never answered questions. i cant trust anything and suddenly it all works. thats why i dont like a lot of the advice im given. "just trust that your alters wont fuck it up and youll switch more!" i do trust them. there are some i trust with my entire being. but i just cant switch. it wont let me leave. im that inner childs favorite character, favorite doll, that needs to be out of the toybox at all times.

im so scared to try and get diagnosed or just any kind of help. because im sure i sound absolutely bonkers when you read all of this. but its a frustratingly bad functioning system. and currently, the only option i have is to just stay in front and do everything. i initially thought i had PDID for this reason, actually. im like the ""main alter"" but i certainly dont have any control over our world. i dont know what to do. and with how therapists keep abandoning me, i wish i could just heal and figure it out by myself. but i cant.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i used to be able to just like. yap for eternity like, it was my favorite thing ever!!

just go somewhere and TALK talk alone, talk for no one, talk til i had nothing to say anymore but recently ive noticed it makes me feel.. worse? like. i was supposed to just JERK OFF AND GO TO BED like . at 9 pm last night 💀 and i stayed up til like 3 am, ive just been talkin and i watched a movie, that was nice.. i miss it? something inside of me is really really sad right now and i cant quite figure out why. its like a weird puzzle, trying to navigate my brain cuz like i KNOW something wrong, but what? whats bothering me? idont understand. maybe im scared of annoying people again, but.. was i scared of that before too? i dont remember if i was or not. what do i even miss? i dont know, i miss? i dont know what i miss. i miss something, probably

maybe thats whats bothering me, i feel like ive lost something, do i feel like ive lost the ability to be comfortable just.. talking ? maybe a little.. some people followed me after i posted my spamton art and anytime that sort of thing happens, i always feel . i feel so horribly guilty!!! youve followed me for that, not to hear me chatter endlessly about whatever comes to my mind. i know i shouldnt care, but im just scared of annoying people, cuz i really do love to talk!!! i love talking about things i like, but.. something is holding me back? it feels like it, i dont know why. i think its just mental barriers. i was so up front and proud of how much i love spamton g spamton, how much i love A LOT of characters. then i made friends and i felt ashamed and embarrassed. is that all it takes? once you have a set of eyes on you that matters, you fold? i feel like that about a lot of things, maybe thats one of the reasons ive been quieter than im used to being

i think im scared, i think it scares me to imagine ever saying anything and having them be like. "eugh." like?? death id prefer death. without them even asking for it ive just kinda cut bits and pieces off to save myself from POTENTIAL rejection, the. i just want to be someone that is adored, as selfish as it is, of course ill change to get that

i think it sorta.. i . its hard to explain, but loving people when you have bpd feels like you will never ever be loved equally, because i have endless devotion and admiration, theres hardly a single thing i dont love about the people i care about, to the point where its a fault. ive let people get away with terrible things, just cuz i loved them so much i didnt care what happened to me. and sometimes it hurts real bad when i remember that the way i love isnt normal, no one could ever love me like that. its why im on edge, the fear of saying something wrong, the fear of cracking this image. they like me, dont they? what if i say something wrong and for even a small second they like me just a little bit less? it makes me chest hurt just thinking about it, its terrifying. if they like me less for a second, maybe.. the rose tinted glasses will shatter, maybe theyll realize im not all that great, maybe itll be over, gone, DONE. finished, ended . dead. i dont want that, its logical to do everything i can to avoid that right?

terrible fate, thats how i see it. the end of all things. worst possible thing to ever happen to me. id rather relive all my trauma over again than lose anyone, id rather anything else. the way i feel is extreme, but. im known for that i guess 💀 its fear, im scared. scared, what if im annoying? i get afraid of annoying STRANGERS, of course im terrified to annoy my best friends. annoying, maybe when im talking to myself about shit they dont care about, its just filler words. garbage, static , words from my mouth and it means nothing to them. isnt that thought so scary? it is to me, i hang on to every word, every stupid joke, every laugh and .

what do i feel now? im working myself up over something that hasnt even happened. ive upset myself over the IDEA of a problem, the thought that maybe something might be wrong. whatever. i think i have this intense loathing for myself, thats the thing?

with bpd, you split. yr thinking isnt clear, its black and white. painful, so painful, but.. im not some mindless monster that just lashes out. thats terrifying, id have no one if i did that right? so i split on myself instead, all that anger and pain is directed at me from inside, it rips me apart. suddenly i can see every flaw, every annoying thing ive ever done every awkward sentence, every joke that didnt land. every opportunity, every single thing that could take it all away from me. as innocent as they are it seems like genuinely theres these big ugly lacerations on my body every time i feel like im possibly maybe not being as charming as id hope to be, ugly scars that ward people off, my blood gets everywhere and it grosses them out, they scoot away an inch for every cut. i know its not true.. i make friends with good people!! the best people, it just.. its what im scared of, which in my eyes means that its true because if im scared of it, there msut be a reason why im scared ofit? it must be actively happening! every rejection of my being is a step closer to abandonment, i g

ive been doing really good, i think. im not so scared of being abandoned because ive been reassured over and over again and i dont have the heart to think past all that work thats been done for me. ive hardly thought about it, anytime i get scared i just remember the things that have been said to me, how secure my place is here. its true, surely.. but this fear is natural for me. its 2nd nature, this fear puts actions in motion to prevent abandonment. fear keeps me safe, keeps me in that little box i think people want me in. the little box that says im okay! im a good person, every aspect of me they can see in the box is enjoyable, who cares if i feel like i need to cut some pieces off to fit there?

i know in my heart its not what they want. im moving too fast, im bracing again. i just get scared, maybe im just needy. what, i need eyes on me? need to feel seen and appreciated with everything i do? if nothing else, at least THAT is 100% selfish, ive been doing better recently... but sometimes its hard not to fall back on those instincts

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[rosepetalmark]

Not in the Stars

2.5k words

Renjun x Reader

warnings: alcohol mention

in which you plan to confess your love for your best friend to him at a party, but the universe has other plans in store for the both of you. 

You like Renjun. A lot. 

That was one sentence in your five years of friendship with Huang Renjun that you never thought you’d say to yourself, let alone admit to. 

You don’t know where these feelings came from, but all you know is that they’re strong and on your mind twenty four seven. Everything he says and does captivates your mind, causing your feelings for him to grow even stronger.

It’s as if these feelings for him suddenly hit you like a brick one day. You were strictly best friends last week, and now you have these unexplainable deep feelings for him, eating you alive and begging for you to confess to him.

It’s not that you’re opposed to dating Renjun, it’s just that he’s been your best friend for several years and he means so incredibly much to you. You just don’t want to risk losing him or making things between you two weird if he doesn’t feel the same. 

So you suppress your feelings. As long as you have Renjun as your best friend, that’s all that matters, right?

Jaemin always makes you second guess yourself, explaining that the dynamic duo that you and Renjun are would be ten times more incredible if you were dating. Since you’re already best friends and know everything about each other, why not date? Only bigger and better things can come from it he always says.

Although Jaemin makes strong points, you’re still scared Renjun will turn you away, mainly because you’re ninety nine percent certain that he only views you as a friend, nothing more and nothing less. 

Yeah you have sleepovers  and spend hours late at night talking on the phone with one another, but that’s what best friends do. If Huang Renjun has any feelings for you, you’re sure someone would have said something by now. 

You get the typical stares from old people when you make your daily trek to school in the morning, him waiting outside your house for you at exactly seven forty two, smiling so bright the second you walk out your front door.  

You constantly get mistaken as his girlfriend whenever you go out together on the weekend, which always causes a deep pink blush to appear on Renjun’s cheeks. He’s always quick to brush it off though, making it clear to everyone around you that you’re strictly best friends, and that neither of you view each other in that way. 

Boy is he wrong.

Everything about Renjun makes your heart flutter, and that’s something that scares you.

For starters, he excels so well in school. For someone who spends eighty percent of his time doodling instead of taking notes, he aces every test and can recite every piece of information that’s been discussed in class with no problem.

He’s caring and funny, and so unapologetically himself. He takes you to art museums on your spare time, talks about the latest conspiracy that’s on his mind, and always insists you go for milkshakes every Sunday night.

And boy was he cute. The way he tilts his head all the way back and crinkles his eyes when he laughs makes your heart absolutely melt.

Huang Renjun makes you happy and positive and there’s nothing more in this world that you want than to hold his hand and kiss him in public, as well as call him your boyfriend so bad. 

It wasn’t until you were out late with him, hanging out on the roof at Jeno’s house, trying to escape the loudness that was coming from inside. Jeno was throwing a kickback to celebrate the beginning of summer, something he does ever year, in which there’s always too many people inside, and you and Renjun find yourself on the roof trying to seek solace in the stars. 

Renjun looked so ethereal in the moonlight. There was nothing more that you wanted to do than press your lips ever so gently against his, and hold his hand while staring up at the stars displayed so brightly above you both in the dark sky. 

“What are you thinking about bubs?” Renjun asked, referring to the nickname he gave you when he found out that’s the name you gave your favourite stuffed rabbit when you were a child. 

God the way his voice sounded in this moment made you weak. The tipsiness you both experienced earlier was wearing off, causing your lack of hydration to become present through your raspy voices. 

But you don’t care. You’re with Renjun, and you are warm and comfortable and in love. 

In love. 

You’re in love with Huang Renjun and you can’t keep it in any longer.

Maybe this would be the best time to tell him. Every time you’re completely sober, you push the idea to the side, trying your best to forget your feelings for him even exist. What if Jun doesn’t feel the same? What if he does but months down the line you figure out you’re better off as friends, and then when you try to get back into your non-romantic routine, everything feels off? You always worry that things will go wrong and Renjun will eventually stop being your friend.

Not tonight though. Renjun looks gorgeous in the moonlight and the little bit of alcohol that remains in your system is acting as your source of encouragement, convincing you to confess to him right now and hope for the best outcome possible. 

“Love,” you reply nonchalantly. 

“Love?” he questions, staring back to you, seemingly surprised with your response. 

“Yeah. Just wondering what the universe has in store for me, you know?” you ask, turning your body to face his direction, criss crossing your legs over one another. “The idea of love both intrigues me and freaks me out. It’s exciting anticipating what will come from it, but the fear of something going wrong down the line makes me not want to pursue it, you know?” you say, staring innocently into his eyes.

He cocks his head, an intrigued look falling on his face. He purses his lips, looking as if he’s going to say something, but remains silent. 

You both remain in silence for the next several minutes, which causes your thoughts to wander. What if Renjun has caught on? Maybe he’s thinking of ways to turn you down gently. Or he’s trying to express that he somehow knows you’re talking about him, and he’s trying to do so in a similar manner. 

But the silence is killing you, and you want nothing more than for Renjun to say something. Anything to get your thoughts to shut up, and your heart race to stop rapidly beating.

“I think you shouldn’t be scared of love,” he finally says. 

Taking a deep breath, he looks off into the sky, admiring the many stars laying millions of miles away from you both. “I get that you never know what may come out of it, but I think it’s worth a shot to know you tried, and to experience something you’re not fully sure is going to work,”  he speaks softly.

“Take a look at the universe for example. It’s so big and undiscovered, yet millions of people are fascinated by it. We’re obsessed with the stars and galaxies and the possibility of aliens- which I know for a fact exist by the way, yet we’re not afraid to spend our time discovering them and giving them our attention. I think of love in a similar manner. Yeah the thought seems so broad and scary, as there’s so many things to experience and discover, but I think it’s worth it. You’re only going to learn new things about yourself and life, so why not give it a shot?”

He clears his throat, and pays his attention back to you. He has a look of determination in his eyes, and that only makes you grow even more anxious.

“Aren’t you a wise expert on love, Mr. Huang,” you chuckle.

“Well what can I say? I do a lot of thinking on my spare time when I’m not bickering with you,” he laughs, positioning himself on his arms so he can get a better view of the night sky.

“Hey!” you shout, pushing onto his arm, causing him to lose his newly comfortable position and to fall on his back. “What are you thinking about Ren? You have this sour look on your face.”

“Well your idea of love got me thinking,” he says softly, staring into your eyes.

Nervousness takes over your body. You have no idea what he’s going to say, and every second of silence is eating you up.

“And?” you say abruptly, eager to know what he’s about to say. 

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and I don’t know, I never thought much of it because I’m a wimp, but I think I’m going to ask Yeri out” he confesses, a small smile forming on his face. 

The mention of Yeri makes your heart sink. Yeri. He wants to ask out Yeri. Not you. 

Of course he likes Yeri. What isn’t there to like about her? She’s really pretty and polite, and they’re both the editors of the school newspaper, so they spend a great amount of time with each other. 

God this hurt. 

“Oh really,” you respond, with a less enthusiastic tone replacing your prior happy one.

“Yeah. We’ve been getting to know each other a lot more ever since we got asked to do this editorial on the basketball team, and I think I may have feelings for her”

“Well, um I think you should go for it Renjun, “ you reply, looking off into the stars to help keep what’s happening off your mind. If you look into his eyes, you’re certain you’ll start crying.

If it’s not you, you’re glad he has an interest in a girl with a golden heart and personality. 

“You think? What if she doesn’t like me?” he asks nervously, fiddling with the rings on his fingers.

“Like you said Ren, you never know what will come from love. Why not give it a shot if it’ll lead to potentially greater things not only within yourselves, but life in general? And if she ends up only seeing you as a friend, it’s okay. You’ll find someone one day who loves every part of you.”

And you can’t help but know deep down that that person is you. If Yeri rejects him, you’ll be right here to help him pick up the pieces, if not, you’ll still be here. As his best friend. Renjun deserves all the love and happiness the universe has to offer him, and despite being sad he shows no romantic interest in you, you’re glad he finds it in an amazing girl. 

“Alright cool, I guess I’ll ask her out on Monday when we meet up to discuss the paper then.” he says, smiling to himself. 

He looks so happy. Ecstatic even. You haven’t seen him smile this big since he won first place in your school’s art show.

“She’s here you know, at the party,” you say to him. “You should do it now.”

“You think?” he asks, eyes wide. 

Renjun was never one to act on impulse. He’s a man with a plan, and always has to do things by the book or else he’ll lose his hair. He likes structure and time, a complete flip from your bold and impulsive self. 

“Yeah, why not? You’re both here, you look really cute right now, and the stars are out in your favour, shining bright to provide you with the courage to do so.” 

This makes Renjun smile. You’ve always been a help in boosting his confidence, and you’re glad to be of assistance in such a nerve-wracking yet exciting period in his life. 

Standing up, he dusts the possible dirt off his legs. He crouches over, looking into your eyes and grabs your hand. “You’re the best y/n. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“As I with you,” you reply, a soft grin forming from your lips. “Now go downstairs and ask her out before she leaves.”

Standing back up, he begins walking to the door. “I’ll let you know how it goes!” he half shouts, pressing his hand to the door handle,  and making his way back into the house. 

You’re now left alone, on the rooftop, with just the stars and your thoughts. 

Why didn’t you bring up your feelings to him sooner, you thought. Now you’re only left sad and alone, because you were too scared to tell your best friend you’re in love with him. Confessing to him seemed so perfect in your mind a couple minutes ago, but sadly the universe has other plans in store for you. 

You decide to get comfortable and lie down, and begin to look at the constellations that are possibly present within the night sky. You can still hear the loud, most likely drunk people just a floor below you, and the vibration of the music hitting your body despite being away from the noise. But you don’t care. It’s just you and the sky, and you’re doing everything in your power to forget about the party below you, and to focus on the stars. 

As you point out the orion in the sky, you feel a buzz in your back pocket, indicating that you’ve got a text. Reaching for it, you unlock your phone, and see a notification stating that Renjun messaged you. Pressing on the messages app, you click on his name and read the following:

jun bug: she said yes!! we’re going out on tueday after we’re done editing :) (2:17 AM)

“Yes.” Yeri said yes. 

You’re happy for your best friend, but for yourself, you’re heartbroken. The possibility of dating him is now slim to none, especially since a potential girlfriend is in the mix, only making you more sad for yourself. 

You make sure to reply quick, and in a way that’ll make him happy, and hopefully provide you with the positivity that everything will be okay.

y/n: i’m so happy for you ren <3 (2:18 AM)

As you press send, you feel the tears start to slide down your cheeks. You’re happy for him, you really are, but you can’t help but wish that things went differently, and that you were in Yeri’s position. 

But as Renjun said before, love can be scary. It’s a learning experience, and if it doesn’t work out, you just need to take what you can from it, and hope for the best in the future. 

So you’ll take his words, and you’ll try your best to move on. 

It’ll be tough, but you hope to god that one day he’ll just be your best friend, and that this heartbreak won’t last with you forever. 

[chockfullofsecrets]

Class 1-A vs. Tickle Might: Part 1

<< Prologue (in case you’re wondering what’s going on) :: Part 2 >>

(A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who offered their kind feedback, especially @gigglingknight ! 2.7k words and 4 kids - Mineta’s not getting back up again - down, 16 to go! Hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think - favorite scene, constructive criticism - your feedback will keep me awake at night to write part 2!)

The forty combined eyes of class 1-A were locked on All Might as he leapt gracefully from the wall of the training grounds, passing overhead and descending in a lazy arc into the mock city before them.

“He moves like a missile,” Momo said thoughtfully. “You would think such a big person would be less aerodynamic.”

Other students were less calm. “He’s gonna kill us all!” Mineta yelled. “I won’t get to enjoy my summer break at all!”

Hagakure clung to Ojiro’s arm. “Guys, I bet Aizawa-sensei sent him to beat us up before training camp. He probably thinks we won’t cause as much trouble if we’re all in full-body casts!”

Ojiro laughed, but he too was looking at the cluster of buildings in obvious dismay. “All Might’s the number one hero, he wouldn’t just indiscriminately fight us. I think.”

Even Aoyama’s sparkle was a little dimmed, his eyes wide in alarm behind his visor. “Mon dieu, didn’t you see what he did to Bakugou and Midoriya? His smile was as twinkling as ever, but… it was scary!”

“And he’s at full strength this time,” Satou added, his big lips pursed.

Those of them who were afraid edged closer to one other, clutching at armor and fabric and hands as if hoping they would fuse together into a single pro capable of taking on the Number One Hero. A select few, though, prepared to rally.

“It’ll be all right, guys!” Deku was smiling. Of course he was. “There’s a lot of us, and we have more experience using team attacks now! I’m sure we can impress All Might and Aizawa-sensei!”

Iida frowned. “Won’t it be easier for him to find us if we all stay in a group?”

“Maybe, but I feel safer with you guys!” Sero said.

“Yeah!”

“Let’s come up with a plan!”

A familiar snarl filled the air. “You extras can plan all you want!” Bakugou announced. “I’m going to face him head on! The only thing that would make me surrender is having to listen to you idiots for another minute!” He spun on his heel and stalked off, quickly disappearing behind the piles of concrete.

Kirishima grinned. “Guess I know what I’m doing, then.”

Mineta howled. “Just let him die! He’s really annoying! And if you get caught in the crossfire between him and All Might there’s no way you’ll survive.”

He shrugged. “Maybe, but I can’t just let him go in alone! And besides, what could be a manlier last sight on Earth than those two going at it?”

“I’ll come too,” Mina said, bouncing up and down on her toes. “I want to watch! And maybe I can get some surprise attacks in with my acid!”

The two of them headed off together after Bakugou, cheerily waving a goodbye to the rest of the group. Kaminari waved back at them like it was the last he would ever see of his two friends. Jirou scoffed and turned to look at the two planners left in their group. “Let’s call them the distraction, then… Momo, Midoriya, do you guys have any ideas?”

Bakugou’s arms throbbed inside his gauntlets.

The wounds from his finals match had been healed by Recovery Girl  - the old hag had been surprised that he’d been hurt so bad, even though Deku was in the next bed over with a shitty bruised spine, as if he wasn’t just as dedicated to winning even if it means shattering every bone in his damn arm – but the memory of just how much it hurt was still in there.

He almost wished Kirishima was here to guard his back. Shitty Hair could take a punch, at least. Maybe even one of All Might’s. But he didn’t need him to win. All he needed was the chance to get in one good blow of his own this time –

A sound behind him. He whirled around, one sweat-filled hand slinging behind him with even more force. As soon as he could see his target, he would –

Something closed around his wrist. A sudden jerking sensation as his arm was pulled upwards, and the explosion seared harmlessly into the air.

All Might was holding him suspended by one hand. Like a freaking ragdoll. “Ah, young hero! I might have expected you to come face me head-on.”

Instead of replying, he tried to blast the man with his other hand. It joined the other above his head just as quickly, held in that same massive grip. “What are you doing? DON’T RESTRAIN ME, YOU SHITTY – let me fight, old man!”

All Might propped his free hand on his hip. “A brave face, huh? You must really want a rematch. I think your sleeveless uniform’s really going to put you at a disadvantage in this round…”

He cocked his hand, fingers spread stiffly for a grab or chop, and Bakugou wasn’t afraid, he wasn’t, but that didn’t keep his body from flinching, a fruitless attempt to protect himself from the painful blow.

His captor paused. “Young Bakugou, are you – are you frightened of me?”

“No.”

He lowered his arm enough for Bakugou to get his feet on the ground – still up on his toes, but at least he wasn’t hanging there like a sack of meat. “My boy, I must say that I’m very sorry about the end of our last battle. I wouldn’t have stopped you so forcefully if I didn’t think you were about to seriously injure yourself.”

“I’m not fucking afraid, okay? Just hit me already so I can hit back.”

All Might looked unconvinced. “Ah, that’s… good, young hero! Such an indomitable spirit!” His smile grew impossibly wider. “Besides, you won’t come to any harm today!”

“Oh yeah? Then what the fuck are we here to do, talk each other into submission? And what do you mean, I’m at a disadvantage because my uniform doesn’t have sleeves?”

“Ah, yes.” All Might cocked his hand again. His fingers were wiggling this time, and somehow this spiked Bakugou’s apprehension in an entirely different way. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

He’d never put much thought into a costume redesign, but as All Might’s evil hands came in contact with his bare armpits he decided that he needed more armor. Immediately. “W-whahaHAT! THE HEHEHELL?!” His palms were sparking uselessly into the sky, face bent into a helpless grin, and shit he was glad that none of the others in his class were here right now.

It was a relief, almost, not to be thrust into another bloody fight with his hero, but that didn’t stop him from kicking and screaming bloody murder, still on his tiptoes as he strained for some leverage to protect himself. All Might was chuckling. “I think this is the first time I’ve seen you smile, young Bakugou! A very good imitation of my trademark, but perhaps we can do better!”

“NOHO – nowecan’t – AHAHA!” His entire torso was helpless under the attack, and his face hurt from smiling so hard. It wasn’t long before he couldn’t take it anymore. “OKAY nonONO not thaHAT just fucking STOP I GIVE I GIVE!”

All Might let him down gently, giving one last triumphant laugh as he patted Bakugou on the back. “An admirable effort, my boy.”

“I didn’t even do anything,” he mumbled into the ground. Was he still grinning? He was, like an idiot. He was an idiot. This was terrible.

Footsteps skidded into the street. “Bakubro, we heard you screaming – laughing? – oh shit, he’s here-”

Bakugou forced his head up. Kirishima and Mina. They’d probably followed him in.

He snorted. “You’re next, morons. Better run if you’re ticklish.”

They’d worked three-quarters of the way through a plan involving Sero’s tape (just. So much tape), Tsuyu’s mucus secretion, and a titanium bondage set from Momo when an explosion roared through the air.

“Kacchan,” Deku gasped. His theory was confirmed when the explosion died down only to be replaced with cursing at only a slightly reduced volume. And then there was the screaming.

“Such darkness,” Tokoyami intoned. “It will swallow us all.”

The screams continued, Bakugou sounding truly desperate. “OKAY nonONO not thaHAT just fucking STOP I GIVE I GIVE!”

Mineta fainted.

The racket tapered off at last, All Might’s laugh echoing tinnily in their ears as they all shivered. “Do you think he’s still alive?” Uraraka whispered. “Man, this is scary.”

Deku’s mind raced. The other students were thinking frantically too, but he had two pieces of information that no one else knew.

The first: In all the videos he’d seen of All Might, he’d never heard of him making a villain beg for mercy. All Might preferred to harm the villains he captured as little as possible, making it easier to the police to detain them without having to provide medical treatment and having the added effect of minimizing property damage.

The second: He’d grown up with Kacchan, who had never been in the habit of screaming in anything other than rage. The only thing that had ever made him howl like that had happened when they were little, and it was – it was –

Oh.

“Midoriya’s about to faint,” Todoroki said.

“Deku?” Uraraka shook him. “What’s going on?”

He swallowed. “We need to split up and hide. Now.”

The class looked at each other in alarm. If even he couldn’t maintain his determination…

They were all going to die.

“We’re not going to die!” Mina gushed. “This is so fun! This is fantastic!”

She and Kirishima were sprinting away from All Might as fast as they could, taking corners at random in hopes that they would lose him. “Yeah, if we can make it back to the others, they’ll definitely be less scared!”

“Are you certain of that, young hero?”

They both skidded to a stop, but Kirishima still crashed into All Might’s massive chest and rebounded onto the ground. Mina shot past them both with a shriek. “All Might!”

The man crouched over him. “I was surprised not to find you with your friends, young Kirishima.”

“We were trying to find Bakugou,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his head. “Mina and I are really bad with directions though, so we got lost until we heard him screaming.”

“It seems you arrived at the perfect time to become my next victim,” the hero intoned, and wow that smile was the most ominous thing he’d ever seen now.

“I – haha –“ Kirishima spluttered, before remembering that he had a quirk. “Ha!” he exclaimed, activating his quirk and feeling immensely relieved as his skin hardened to a rock-like texture. “There’s no way you can tickle me now!”

“It will be more difficult,” All Might mused. Suddenly, he yanked one of Kirishima’s boots off. “I wonder, do your palms and soles harden as well?”

Kirishima, who’d had his quirk for all of twelve years, suddenly couldn’t remember. He glanced frantically at one of his hands and mentally cheered. “Ah, they do.”

All Might frowned, as much as he could frown. “If all your skin hardens, it’s pretty surprising that you can move at all…” Taking Kirishima’s foot gently in his hand, he rotated it right and left. “If this works, then…”

Kirishima felt something brush against his ankle, and without thinking, snickered at the ticklish sensation.

All Might’s grin came back in full force. Hesitantly, Kirishima offered him a weak smile. “Uh… maybe I just have a really cool quirk… and tickling definitely won’t work on me?”

Turned out, his ankles were traitors. A few scratches from All Might and he was already giggling frantically, his other foot drumming against the ground as he tried to roll over and crawl away. Even worse, as he lost focus his quirk began to waver, and despite his effort of squeezing his eyes shut and trying to will the laughter away he could feel his protective shell softening around him.

“Not so tough now, young hero,” All Might teased, and Kirishima groaned internally at the joke as his torture became a thousand times worse. The soles of his feet, the soft skin behind his knees – even squeezing his calf produced a new wave of laughter from him.

He couldn’t take it. No wonder Bakugou had been collapsed on the ground. “Mihihina…. MINA, HELP!”

A pair of pink arms wound themselves around All Might’s neck – Mina, jumping on his back. “Hi! All Might-sensei, can I go next?”

The tickling eased up a little as All Might turned his head to smile at her. “You know, my girl, this is technically a test.”

She pouted. “I know, but… tickling! I already failed my practical anyway, so I’m sure I’ll have to take the remedial classes. I might as well relax and have some fun while I can instead of running! Right, Kirishima?”

Panting, he considered this situation. This was definitely more fun than a fight, and it was really nice after the nightmare of preparing for finals. “Heh… yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“I can hardly refuse such a polite request,” All Might proclaimed grandly, “but first, I need to hear a surrender from young Kirishima here!” He reached a hand up to scratch at Kirishima’s ribcage, the boy squeaking as he tried to bat it away.

“I could help,” Mina offered slyly.

“No, yOU CAHAN’T!” Two pairs of hands hovered over him, Mina reaching over All Might’s shoulder with her evilest grin. “Wait, wait, I give!”

All Might roared with laughter, offering Kirishima a hearty embrace as he wobbled to his feet. “A smart decision! She’s very determined!”

He glared half-heartedly at Mina, shaking his head with a rueful grin. “I’m going to get you for this.” He turned to All Might. “Do we get to watch the others?”

“You do have to leave the training ground. However, your Aizawa-sensei’s in the evaluation room. If he permits you to enter, then you can watch with him!”

“Cool! I’ll see you there, Ashido.” He looked around. “Which way is the exit again?”

As he left, Mina prepared to jump off All Might and take off – she felt like running at least a little bit, after seeing how wrecked Kirishima looked. But before she could so much as loosen her grip, All Might spoke in a decidedly villainous voice. “Well, young Ashido, this means it’s your turn now.”

He grabbed her uniform and yanked, and the next thing she knew she had tumbled over his shoulder and straight into his arms with a surprised shout. He dropped to the ground, cross legged, and released her unceremoniously into his lap. “Wow, you move… really fast, sensei!”

All Might chuckled. Evilly. “You said you wanted to relax, young hero? Perhaps you’d like a massage?” His fingers dug into the muscle at the back of her shoulders, and she found herself squealing with laughter as they hunched up instinctively. “Hm… you don’t look very relaxed. Maybe a different technique?” Said technique was a light massaging of her ribcage that had her curled into a shaking ball, giggling her head off. “This seems a bit harsh… are you really having fun, young Ashido?”

“Yehehes!” she giggled, burying her head in his shoulder. “Lohots of fun!”

His breath stirred her hair as he huffed with laughter. “All right, then.” He continued happily, paying special attention to her neck when he discovered that tickling her there produced actual cackles. She lasted for nearly three minutes before slapping at his hands and gasping breathlessly for mercy.

All Might waited until she caught her breath to move, standing them up together. She jumped onto him once more, offering him a hug from the front this time. He returned it slowly, a little surprised but pleased nonetheless. “You’ve had your fun, young Ashido! I hope you’ll apply as much dedication to attaining mastery of your studies!”

“I will”, she promised, climbing to his shoulder and somersaulting off to the ground. “Thanks a lot, All Might-sensei! It’s really nice of you and Aizawa-sensei to do this for us!”

He had to point her in the direction of the exit as well. She left with a cheerful smile, and he smiled in return as he cracked his knuckles.

Time to find his next target.

[melaninkpopimagines]

Affairs

Part: 1!| 2!| 3!| 4!

Author: Admin Jazzi

warning: Smut, Cursing, language, murder

Word count: 2k

Flashes of you stabbing him raced through your mind. You were in a haze. You don't remember how you got the knife. The only thing your remember clearly was calling Erik. Trying to put it all together was hard, trying to remember was hurting you.

“Hey baby, pay attention to what i'm telling you.” Erik said, splashing a bit of water into your face. You snapped out of the trance you were in and looked around. You were in the bathtub, Erik was bathing you. You looked on the ground and saw your bloody clothes. The water was a dark pink.

You looked at him. He stared back at you. “Baby are you listening? I said you can't say anything to anyone? I’m gonna get you out of here. But you gotta work with me mama.” he said. You nodded. “yeah i-i,” you looked at him frantically, “Erik I don't know what happened.”

He looked at you sturnly, “nun happened. We gonna go on a trip, aiight?” he asked. You seemed to zone out again. You really killed a man. Erik splashed you with the bloody water. “Yo listen to me focus baby i gotta get you outta hear.” he picked you up out of the water. Erik grabbed your clothes from the bedroom and dressed you. “You ain't gotta talk about this right now baby. Just don't think about it.” he said as he dressed you. He dried your hair and gently kissed your forehead. He placed your hood over your damp hair. “You trust me huh? If you trust me we can do this alright ?” he looked into your eyes. His dark brown eyes felt like such a heavy presence. You nodded as you looked down, ashamed. He kissed you, wiping the tears from your face. “Baby it’s okay i gotchu. You gonna get through this. You let him hug you tightly.

Erik walked you into the bedroom. You saw it clean. Damn near spotless. There was no body laying on the floor. Not a drop of blood, it looked like nothing happened. You looked at Erik. Did you imagine all that. “We gotta go baby i'm gonna explain let's just get away from here.” He said.

He walked you out of the back door. He lead you down the alley and to his car. Erik pushed you into the car making sure no one saw. You looked in the back seat. There were bags, you could see money spilling out of one of them. “I have t-to turn myself in.” you insisted. Erik glared at you. “You just sitcho ass right there. This is my fault. Let me handle it.”

“How is this your fault?” you questioned.

But Erik didn't speak. He kissed your hand and started driving. He drove quickly but after an hour you fell asleep. You were beyond exhausted but the images traumatized you. Even tho Randy couldn't control you with the beatings anymore, he still took your happiness away. Even being with Erik made you feel worse...guilty. Randy was an asshole. He was scum; but you never thought you’d snap and kill him.

“Baby let’s get inside.” he said. You looked around. You had no idea where you were. It was night time. You were surrounded by trees. “Erik where are we.”

He unloaded his bags from the car. “We need to stay here until i can fix this.” he said, not really stopping to explain to you. You stayed in the car. “Erik how can you fix this? I murdered a man. I need to turn myself in.” Erik stopped dead in his tracks. “No what you need to do is get inside. You said you trusted me so trust me. I ain't gonna let nothing happen to me.

You got out of the car and went into the cabin. It was huge and well lit. When you got in Erik locked the doors behind you. “Okay no one will be able to find you here. I have to go back into town and handle this. You stay here. Watch tv or whatever just stay inside.” he said. “What about my mom? I need to call my mom.” “Baby she knows you’re fine don't worry. Once i fix this it'll be okay. I just can't have you running around being seen.” He spoke in a hurry. He grabbed his keys and kissed you. “Lock the doors behind me, eat and sleep.” You kissed him back, holding him tightly for a moment. “You gonna be good girl, just trust me. I gotchu.” he said. You let Erik go, wrapping your arms around yourself. “Don't open this door. I’ll be back tomorrow morning. You can use the landline only to call me if there's an emergency. ” You watched Erik leave. The room was cold without him there.

You sat on the couch and flipped through channels for hours. You were too scared to sleep.

Everything haunted you: but more than anything you wondered why you had done it. What made you black out. What made you snap? He had done this before. You didn't feel bad that he was dead. You hated him with your whole heart: but you never wanted to kill him, at least not yourself. So what exactly made you snap.

You found yourself mindlessly exploring the cabin. You didn't call Erik. You didn't want to face him. You said everything was gonna be okay. You didn't mean it this way. You didn't mean to dump this in his lap. When you woke up the way you did you didn’t know who else to call. You dialed Erik out of instinct. You should have called the police. You shouldn't gotten him involved. How could you expect him to do this, just because you were having an affair. You blindly trusted the man. A man you were only having an affair with. You had never expressed anything but lust towards each other.

You slowly walked into the last room down the hall. You pushed the door open slowly. It creaked loudly. As you walked in, you switched on the lights. The room was filled with pictures of you...and Randy. You looked around frantically. There are pictures from your wedding, from before you were engaged, from the day you met him. Tears filled your eyes and fear made you panic. Your chest felt tight. You stared at all the pictures. Everyday, pictures of him beating you, all of it pinned on the wall

3 months earlier

The affair with Erik was heated. You held him close, his head rested between your breasts. “What are these?” you asked running over the raised skin that covered his body. “There all the women that fell for me.” he joked. You rolled eyes, playfully pushing his head. “Okay nigga you got so many bitches why aint you with them right now.” you said. He settled his head back down, unbothered. “Cuz i knew you needed some dick.” he said.

“You’re annoying.” you said. He laughed and kissed your chin. “Mhm if im so annoying why you keep calling me?” he asked. You didn't answer. You didn't know exactly why you kept calling him. Meeting up like this was stressful: but moments like this was what kept you sane.

“What are these really? You never told me.” you asked again. “I never told you cuz its none of your business.” he snapped. You looked down at him. He always got random attitudes. You pushed him off of you and started scooting away. He pulled you back and hovered over you. “Where the fuck are you going?” he said. You rolled your eyes, looking away from his brown eyes. “Your attitude wasn't called for nigga.” you said. “SO you mad i won't tell you?” he said. “Nah nigga like i said! Your attitude wasn't called for. Fuck you i was just curious.” you pushed at his chest. He trapped you. A deep chuckle left him. “You’re so fucking sensitive.” he said. You rolled your eyes mumbling how he could fuck off again.

He started kissing your neck slowly, settling between your legs as he spread them. “Stop trying to fight with me tonight. Itll be a minute before we can do this again, and i know you gonna miss this dick.” he said, grinding his hips against you. You shut your eyes feeling his length grinding on the lips of your pussy.

You moaned his name, as he gripped your ass.

“Erik you get on my nerves.” You moaned.

“You sound like you enjoying me baby girl. What’s the truth?” you felt your head spin as he entered you. His hips rocked slowly and deeply. His full length throbbing as he pounded into you. “You like this shit don’t you?” he gripped your ass, pumping into you roughly. You moaned throwing your head back. He rubbed your clit, thrusting harder. “Nuh uh baby. All that attitude you had earlier, you better fucking speak. You like this shit?”

“Yes daddy!” you screamed. He didn't have to tell you twice. You were already on the verge of your orgasm. “Fix that damn attitude then.” he thrusted harder.

You were still sensitive from getting hot and heavy just a few moments before the small argument. You moved your hips against his hard thrusts. “Thats right baby fuck yourself on that dick.” he groaned into your ears. He stopped and watched as you moved your hips roughly. You gripped his arms. You moaned his name, practically screaming as your orgasm took you over. That's when he took over, roughly fucking you through your orgasm as his followed. He laid on top of you, kissing your neck and holding you. “Now fix your attitude.” he said into your ear, “These things on me would make you hate me.” he said

“If you’re ashamed why did you do it...so many times.” you said after catching your breath. He shook his head. “Nah I”m not ashamed i just know it’ll hurt you to find out.” he said. You looked at him strangely but you could tell he didnt want to talk about it further.

Three months later

You slowly backed out of the room. Your breath was shakey, you couldn't breathe looking at it all. You backed into something firm. You jumped turning around and saw Erik. “Baby let me explain calm down.” he said, he backed away. He gave you space.

“What the fuck is going on?! What the fuck is all of this?!” You screamed. You were frantic. Your heart raced. You were scared. For the first time you feared Erik. you were more afraid of Erik in that instance than you ever were of Randy. “Yo come sit down let me talk to you.” he said. “Tell me now! I don't want to move from this spot till you tell me what all this shit is.” you ordered. His jaw clenched. You had never talked to him like that; but could he blame you?

He started speaking, moving closer to you, “I was sent to frame you for his murder.”

A/N: Hello thank you for reading!!

-Jazzi

[imrobert-clarington]

Bonding||Self-Para

It had been a long night for the Anderson-Clarington family. After a few hours of coaxing, Robbie had managed to tuck Cooper under his chin and carry him out of his office. He had texted Blaine to meet them at the house, thankful that the younger Anderson had taken it upon himself to buy a car seat of his own. Robbie had to admire the commitment that he was taking as an uncle. He knew there was something special in the bond between uncle and nephew. 

As they got home, Robbie focused on getting a passed out Cooper out of his clothes while Blaine got Zach ready for bed. Once Robbie got his fiance tucked into bed, he walked the younger Anderson out of the house and thanked him for everything before locking the door. He went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water before heading back up the stairs to the bedroom. 

He hadn’t even so much as sat down on the bed before he noticed two pairs of eyes on him. He almost had to laugh at the sight before him: Zach had managed to pull himself up by the side of the crib and was looking at him expectantly. “If it’s not one of you avoiding sleep, it’s the other, isn’t it,” he mumbled softly as he set the water on the bedside table. He walked over quietly to the crib, standing there for a moment and looking down at the big brown eyes staring back at him. 

“Come on then,” he said quietly, bending down to pick him up gently and settling him against his hip. “It’s late, Zach Attack, we need to get you to sleep. You’re the one who’s supposed to get an ungodly amount of sleep right now.” 

He walked down the stairs slowly, still feeling paranoid about carrying a little infant down. He’d never been afraid of tripping on them before, but when he literally had another life in his hands....well, that was a different story. 

He grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch as he walked past, the movement disturbing the two pups that had just settled on the couch. Dodger immediately went to follow him, though Penny stayed behind, looking up at him. “Pen, I think Dad needs you up there,” he said softly. He knew that Penny couldn’t actually understand him, but the way she hauled ass up the stairs immediately made him second guess himself.

He continued walking out onto the deck, shifting Zach closer to him as the chilled night air settled around them as he walked towards the hammock. It wasn’t so unbearable, though, especially after he switched on the small space heater next to them. Dodger settled underneath the hammock as Robbie gingerly laid them down and draped the blanket on top of them. 

He looked back at Zach, who was still staring back at him. He had to be thankful that the boy had at least gotten used to him, if nothing else. It had been a hard week, with Ellie going back home and the boy getting used to his new environment. He took the fact that he wasn’t being screamed at as a good sign. 

Robbie could tell that the boy was tired, seeing as his usual energy was radiating off him as normal. He could only assume that he was refusing sleep, something that seemed to run in the family. 

“So,” he mused. “I know how to tire your dad out enough to pass out, but I guess now is an experiment to see what it takes for you.” He paused for a moment, bringing his knees up so the young boy could lean against them. “I mean, I could just talk for a while, bore you to sleep,” he said with a small chuckle. “I could teach you how to dab, though I think Cooper would kill me if I took that away from him. Not to mention I’m not sure how effective it’d be.” 

He sighed softly as he shrugged. “I’m trying to remember what my Dad did when I had nights like this. Granted, that was ages ago. Obviously, I don’t remember from first hand experience. You don’t really remember things that happen when you’re a baby. Just like you won’t remember this night at all.” 

“My mom would tell me though. Later in life, I mean. I was a fussy baby, apparently. Dad was the only one who could calm me down and make me get to sleep. He would turn me into a plane, reenact some of the famous battles of the World Wars. Kept it PG, of course, and that would be enough to make me laugh, to stop crying. Then he’d just walk me around the room until I had no other choice but to sleep.” 

He slipped his thumbs into Zach’s hands and waved them back and forth, the boy still staring at him, a little lost but Robbie could appreciate the attention. “I wish you would’ve gotten the chance to meet him. He liked to sound tough a lot but he was a big softie; he’s where part of your name comes from too, you know. I wish he was here too, ‘cause then I could ask him how-” he was cut off as a pair of hands launched themselves into his beard. 

He paused for a moment before cracking a laugh. “I was trying to have a moment here!” he said through his chuckles. He closed his lips around his teeth and nipped at Zach’s hands, illiciting a squeal from the small boy. Robbie let his laughs fade out as he looked at the boy, seeing every bit of Cooper in him, though also catching the small glimpses of Ellie underneath. 

But for the first time that week, after pulling Cooper out of the depths again, Robbie was determined to see himself there too. He sighed softly, carefully getting out of the hammock, turning off the heater and walking them back inside. Dodger immediately went back to the couch, though Robbie lingered in the hallway, walking to the small group of photos that were hanging there. 

“That’s him,” he said softly, as he pointed to a picture of his father. “See? Looks scary, but then you remember that he was just barely as tall as your Dad, and he’s not so bad,” he chuckled, moving on to the next picture. “That’s Sarah, your aunt,” he said quickly, letting the use of the titles help him make this seem more normal, “and your cousin, Gabe. Gabe’s a maniac, but he’s a good kid. It wouldn’t surprise me if you know the name of every dinosaur in existence by the time you’re two. Also, it’s a good thing they live on the other side of the country or you would be getting so spoiled.” 

He pointed to the next one as Zach laid his head on Robbie’s shoulder, his little hand fisting in the man’s shirt. “That’s Hunter,” he said, pointing out the man in the family photo as he gently leaned his head against the boy’s. “Honestly, he’s a hard one to keep up with, but he’s family, and I think a good uncle to have. If I know either him or your uncle Blaine at all, those two would probably fight to the death for the title of ‘World’s Greatest Uncle’. I’ve already been through it with Hunt when it comes to Gabe,” he chuckled. 

He stopped at the next picture, sighing softly at the image of his mother. “And you’ve met Mom,” he said softly. “She loves you, don’t worry, I don’t want the tension from last week to scare you. She’s just...worried. It’s a weird situation. But I think it’ll work out okay. See, the thing with your Dad and I....nothing about us has ever been normal; we’ve had to make our own normal. It’ll be a fun story to tell you one day, but honestly, how we had our first child....well, why should that be normal?” 

He heard a labored breath under his chin, and he knew that that meant the boy had fallen asleep. He smiled softly and walked back over to the couch, tossing the blanket back down. With a finally pat to Dodger’s head, Robbie slowly made his way back up the stairs. He placed the boy gently back in his crib and pulled the blanket over him. He leaned against the side of the crib and watched him for a moment. He leaned over and kissed his head gently and sighed. “I do love you, kiddo. We’ll hit a rhythm, I promise.” 

He tapped the crib lightly with his knuckle before stepping back and glancing over at Cooper. He smiled to himself as he noticed the man had already star-fished. He stripped down to just his t-shirt and boxers before crawling into bed, mindful of Penny as she moved to compensate him. He reached over and scratched behind her ears, kissing her head softly before laying back. Instead of curling on his side, though, he nudged his way under Cooper’s arm and wrapped one of his own around the other’s waist. 

The house was quiet, but with his fiance next to him, his dogs in their respective places, and his son across the room, it was home. And that’s what Robbie held onto as he drifted off to sleep. 

[s-nnyd]

3, 9, 12, 21, 24, 26, 33, 48, 56, 57, 73, 92 (I’m totally not gonna beat em up), 110, 111, 112, 127, 135, 144 :P

3. WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING?

being honest, im excited to see mrs q and mrs y when we do a meet up for lunch cause itll be like the first experience where we actually just chill and its out of a classroom setting and context so yea im hyped for that

9. DOES TALKING ABOUT SEX MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?

lol no

12. WHAT ARE YOUR 5 FAVORITE SONGS RIGHT NOW?

oof mmmm 

1 Lose - Hannah Gill

2 Never Been in Love - Will Jay

3 Talking in Your Sleep - Will Jay

4 Sunflower - Rex Orange Country

5 We Don’t Need to Dance - Castelle

21. WHAT ARE YOU BAD HABITS?

oooo not sure if overthinking counts as a bad habit but if not id definitely say overeating but its been a long time in the process so im still working on breaking that

24. FAVORITE PART OF YOUR DAILY ROUTINE?

sticking my feet in the pool and playing lofi hip hop 24/7 chill beats while i act like i could be someone’s object of affection and then laughing it off

26. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU WAKE UP?

roll onto my other side and then relish in how damn comfy i feel

33. SPELL YOUR NAME WITH YOUR CHIN.

i hate 

im on the computer so

sduijjuhyh

48. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DRUNK?

nope there was one time i was at a party and i was really thirsty and there was a drink dispenser and i thought it was orange juice

it was not orange juice (i spit it out after cause i really was looking for something sweet at the time)

56. FAVOURITE COLOUR?

kinda specific but cerulean

57. FAVOURITE FOOD? 

soondubu or ramen for sure

73. DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?

mm i used but then i stopped cause i felt bad that i was squishing them

92. IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEONE?

currently? nah but if i count as someone then yea

110. HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEONE SO MUCH IT HURT?

oof yeah i really reeeeaaallly liked them they meant a lot to me and they taught me a lot theyd smile and id melt theyd laugh at a dumb joke i made and it was like the world seemed a bit brighter their eyes were such a pretty color that i wondered how much depth and variation in color a pair of eyes could have hugs made me feel like i was safe and just hearing their voice could make me smile sometimes thered be banter some back and forth and a bit of flirting that i almost thought i was gonna die cause it knocked the breath out of me and knocked me off my feet i remember when i told them how i felt how scared i was i was so afraid of the response my heart was in my throat and everything felt so cold i could have just took the option and not told them but everything just felt like it was bubbling over and i needed to do something about it and when i told them i remember how much my heart felt like it was gonna give out every time i waited for their response and the tiny pauses here and there i remember having to wait until the next day cause they said they couldnt give me a proper response yet and when i woke up the next morning there was an absolute pit in my stomach and then i got a really long message from them saying all sorts of things and the pit in my stomach definitely went away but i cried so hard that day im pretty vocal when i cry not that loud but you can hear me but that time i really couldnt hold it in people walked by me as i cried it was really early in the morning so there werent that many people i went to school right after that and my eyes were red and swollen my dumb ass tried to play it cool and act like i usually did but the moment we hugged for a bit i started crying like an idiot and then i had to hide my face it was definitely a time but i couldnt have been luckier because they were really gentle in letting me down and it was definitely a learning experience for me like they really meant a lot to me and they still do and i truly enjoyed having feelings that whole time just a laugh and a smile was enough

111. DO YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES?

yeah i think i do and its usually towards new people i dont really know how to actually make friends like im not entirely clear on how to initiate the first social interactions i get really wary of first interactions and end up being a dumbass think that the other person’s got ulterior motives i mean you’re not entirely a good person what makes you think someone else is but that sort of thinking im working on trying to change that 

112. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CRIED IN FRONT OF?

cried in front of? i think it might have been ada

127. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?

when i try on some clothes and it fits well on me and it makes me look like me those moments when im with a good friend and were talking about where we were where we were and where well go when i get to make the person i like smile oh or when they laugh not like the laugh they give to the general public or the one they do when its just a regular laugh no i like it when i can make them laugh so genuinely so that it catches them off guard and it just bubbles out of them and out of their mouth and they close maybe one eye all the way cause theyre still trying to keep eye contact with you but its still just so funny to them and they just laugh with their whole body when the work that i make and produce is thoroughly well done enough so that im proud of it and others appreciate the work im doing and even are excited to show others when someone values my work for what its worth rather than what they want it to be worth cause thats what their wallet is telling them when i see content of my favorite character oh but my favorite is when someone i know has just overcome soemthing that had previously been making them so upset when they realize something that needed to be changed when they have character growth so astounding that they even realize it themselves

135. DUMBEST LIE YOU EVER TOLD?

“Nah, I don’t have a crush on you. Psh...wait what? You had a crush on me, too?”

144. DARK, MILK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE?

milk fuck dark is too bitter and white tastes so weird to me

[themeed]

well i managed to crawl out for a month but uh. last night was a big trigger fest.

went to my friends with another friend. they complimented me on my weight loss and said it was obvious i had lost a shitton. (which. like 20 pounds, yeah, i... guess thats a lot but its not Enough).

other friend struggled w ed in middle school. their mom made some Comments recently and now they're uncomfy and they asked about weight loss. friend we were visiting said they could stand to lose maybe 15 or 20 pounds if they wanted, but they certainly dont qualify as fat.

which. is the same amount as they congratulated me on.

we all compared body types and fat content. comments on our thighs and stomachs and backs and chests.

and i am now. wearing my comfort hoodie. watching youtbe. dissociating. ive had 630 calories today because i know i cant restrict super hard so fast. i smiled this morning after skipping dinner and waking up hungry, that lovely hunger that aches but doesn't hurt. you know you could eat but you're not Hungry hungry even if you can feel your empty stomach. its... a good feeling.

im gonna have a sandwich and some ice cream for my second and final meal for the day and itll probably be some... 430 cal, ending around 1060 for the day.

gods. i want to go to sleep. i want to lie down and waste away.

on the way home a song from my mental loop playlist came on. then one from a self harm perspective. my friend and i listened to an anxiety vent playlist. scream sang the whole way. it didnt help. made it worse?

maybe.

im not doing so hot. im worried about my job status too. and rent and my dads birthday.

i think im gonna go pass out. this totally counts as my journal for the new List Of Organization.

i pasted it on my freezer fridge door.

ive made progress recently, in terms of philosophy and uncovering and understanding my issues. responsibility and suicidal thoughts and attachment issues and how much im hurting and have been hurt and dissociation as a coping mechanism for mental and emotional abuse and then as an anxiety mechanism too. and to cope with school and the boredom and not being able to do what i want and the lack of freedom.

i dont know if ill ever get to the point where i uncover why i hate not being free in my own definition. like thats such a core part of who i am and i am terrified of that being rooted in abuse. if i dont value freedom who am i? but also... i think ive always valued freedom. i think how i approach it has changed. when i was small i didnt care about the opinions of others and their actions or anything. but here i am now caring a Lot. and part of that is... in later elementary, from then on, peoples opinions and words started precluding actions that infringed on my routines and worldview. and then it scaled into full on abuse by my mother. words started mattering a whole FUCKING lot, and actions as well. words had to be careful, actions could be covered up with the right motive and words. a tool for power and put downs. and i hated it and feared it.

and when i started fearing others, noticed how i wasnt free to Be anymore... i started panicking and dissociating and i couldnt handle NOT being me so i stopped.

i stopped being me because i couldnt stand to see me destroyed or warped or killed by the spirits of envy and hatred all around me.

that makes it sound so poetic, but i was scared and it was terrible and awful and scary. and i cant say i regret it because im still not me.

ill never be the same me again. im not even fully me of now.

freedom is. so important to me. it sucks that that was put in jeopardy. that a singular sun in my world was destroyed on someone else's whims, for someone else's COMFORT. as if the mind of child is something okay to smother when they disagree with you.

fuck that. i hate her. i hate this. i hate that this happened. i hate that im not me. i cant hate myself. i cant even be myself and i hate that fact its frustrating.

im making progress but i dont know if i can even hit a point where i comfy enough to be me. if i can reach an understanding with the others and stope fearing. if theyll ever stop being frustrated with me long enough for us to effectively communicate. if we can. if its fair for me to expect or ask explanations for emotions and rules. if its okay. if ill ever be okay again.

im crying now.

im gonna get some water and curl up.

just asked that we all have access to this journal here in the system. i.

im scattered. hey, more progress ig.

insight, at least.

i need a therapist but i dont know if im willing to trust someone with all of these innermost thoughts and ideas and the backstory. i dont know if i can trust a strangers judgement.

what if they call me a liar and call it a day?

yea we can just move on and find a new therapist. it will hurt though. leave us with more issues. devastating to be invalidated by someone with a license. like yea the system has issues and all and you cant guarentee people dont have bias or are otherwise a good fit or even fit for the job every time. it still sucks that i have to go into this with that uncertainty. it makes it harder and easier, i think, to know that. therapists are imperfect, theyre people just like you and me. i just. thats more comforting than i thought it would be. i thought realizing they were professionals meant like. their word has to be taken as holy or some shit. no it doesnt theyre people. theyre trained, but quality control is questionable and bias is extensive and training is sometimes pretty niche. i need to look for someone specifically trained in like. 4 or 5 things. like. anxiety, depression, borderline, osdd/did, autism, add/adhd, possibly ocd, and DEFINITELY cptsd. i dont know what exactly i have but i know i have more than one and i kinda need to work through a shitton and find out whats UP. seriously. i might need medication. id like to try cbt/dbt first and work on integration/personal identity first. but holy SHIT.

im not mentioning ed beyond In The Past if i can help it ahfjfsgkf. like ed i have in hand. i know its a way to feel in control because im afraid of the world and also to approach the body i want, fulfill society standards in a way i wish i didnt care at all about but i do care at least a little despite my denial, and to combat dysphoria/prepare for top surgery.

gods above. im kinda fucked up huh. like more at once than i think is possible and i might be giving myself more issues if i dont handle my new job in a healthy way.

fuck.

anyway. yeah. im back. im not better than ever but im making progress. todays a bad mental health day so far. i want to lose another 10 pounds before i see a therapist just in case. if they say i should try losing weight i am going to glare flatly and absolutely spill how much ive lost but not the timeline or ed habits. but yknow. 165 or so before starting? puts me solidly in the Chubby At First Glance But Not Super Overweight category.

me and my friends also tried to weigh my tits the other day. kitchen scale and leaning down put them at 4.5 lbs each, theyre big enough to try, but thats probably an understimation by like, 40% just by sheer volume. thats like. 10, 15 pounds minimum of boob weight. i want it gone. gone. away please. off my body. no tits or an A cup. and an A cup is highly unlikely so full top it is.

gods. okay ive gone on long enough im going to get water and lay down now. im still dissociating pretty heavily.

[until-things-get-better]

[[sending this because youre presumably asleep and . i want to shout this into nothingness of space: god i love you. i love you so fucking much,. i feel so fucking bad about it every day. every day i go to sleep and wake up crying at least gently because i know that me loving you this much is honestly getting to borderline harassment and i know its so fucking creepy. i know that me smelling you is creepy bbUT ITS SUBCONCIOUS OKAY IM NOT. TRYING TO SMELL YOU  I  J UST,,, END UP DOING THAT A L OT,,,  i   jus t,. i know this is all so fucking weird but ive never been struck by someone this hard and its driving me insane. i love you so much more than i loved darby and i dont know how thats possible. last night i had a dream that someone was threatening to "teach us (you & me and a few others) a lesson" at a public restaurant and we were all fucking afraid for our lives but like. no joke i saw how scared you were and i was immediately protective and i straight up risked my life and almost died getting him away from you guys and when i woke up i totally realized that im always recklessly protective of you,. im always with you and youre so important to me and i always want to protect you and i j ust want you to be happy ann d j just, ,, i  dont know,, god, dude. i hate being like this so much. and honestly what,, my love hasnt changed for you at all it just got a name. i loved you like this every second we were fwb a nd,,  me putting the name on it ruined it. me calling it love ruined it all. because i dont know. this could be extreme friend love. and thats a good escape for me ,, jjust imagine its friend love . but the fact that i also really fucking liked being with you sexually and really really really liked being with you romantically (aka being with you in a fluffy fashion) makes it a lot harder because it doesnt matter if that love is just friendly love. i miss you. i miss you so much. and,,,, beyond love: fuck talking about love. its benign and honestly i love a lot of people. love comes really easy to me, how about just enjoying the time we have here and letting things happen. lust. just. wanting to feel good and be okay,,,, i wish you fucking lusted for me. i wish you liked being with me., i wish we could go back to having sex as infrequently as you want. even if it was only like spontaneously every few months. even if you wanted to do it whenever you wanted but you needed breaks. dude, i get it. im a lot and i get taking breaks but i WISH that you wanted me. i wish that you missed getting fingered as i do. i wish that you missed our cuddling,, our spooning, ,, our kisses e e ven i k now,,  y y ou   didn t like those as much as i did but , ,,,,, i wish you missed that warmth. i wish you missed the way we were. i wish you missed, ,, us . look, what we are now isnt bad or wrong or anything like that because ive always been your best friend first and our relationship has never truly changed at the core because i dont do that when i fall in love anymore. i know that changing relationships in response to love is wrong and stupid and it ruins all the magic.  i just,. i miss us dude. i miss our sexual escapades because i felt so good and so comfortable with you and youre my best friend. theres literally nobody on the planet id rather have sex with than you. theres nobody im more comfortable sharing my secrets with than you. theres nobody im more comfortable trying to satisfy than you and ff uck dude,,, i miss you, !!! i miss you so much. i know i used to run out in the rain and cry that id never get to date you. that id never call you my boyfriend but i didnt realize then: i dont care. i dont care dude. i love you and i would love to date you and call you my boyfriend but look,, i dont need that from you. i dont need security. i dont need you to do anything you dont want to do. plus we literally spent as much time together as a dating couple would so: i dont really care. i dont need to hold your hand in public, as much as i want to. i used to get so swept up in it but id always pull my out of it with a quick 'but look josh, youre having sex with him and its awesome. every day of your life is awesome because of him.' l ll ook dude, , i dont know what im trying to say with all this. its just a long run on sentence of 'gosh i still feel the way i do right when you broke up with me' but i do have a little message. think about us more. think about the things we did more. think about thanksgiving more. ww hy ,, why did you want to stop having times like that ,,? is it because i always acted like it wasnt enough, , ?? because i regret that so much and i would never do that again. i would never take sex with you for granted again. i would never pressure you to date me again. iis it really because, as you said, you stopped liking it ,,? iif you really did, what was wrong because we could fix it. we could figure it out dude. i dont know i m j ust, .,,, im not ready for it to end, okay? im not ready! im not fucking ready ! and thats empowering to say with an exclamation mark! a few weeks ago i reread our texts and saw you say that you still had lots you wanted to try with me and you didnt want to stop anytime soon. that polar express day,,, where i spent all day with you and i honestly loved being with you so much. the day you pulled me out of a funk i was in for no reason. dude. tt o me,, ,,, that cant be the end. that cant be the way our story ends. i love being with you the way i was more than ive ever liked anything else in my life. ive never looked forward to anything more in my life, not even the most magical trip to disneyland with darby. ii,, ,  i know its weird to think about again after saying adamantly that you dont want to get back in it but , , do you honestly want to stop? i want to sit you down in front of me in real life and ask that so badly., ssince youre presumably not seeing this, i,, hope i get the chance to do that sometime,,,, bbecause i dont want it to stop. not now or ever. and i get it if you need to leave me for someone because you choose them. because you love someone else more than me. thats fine dude. if you find someone you like being with more and you have to choose one then choose them,, itll hurt! itll suck., but itll be so much better than being left for literally nothing. i  ,,  i dont know. im going to end this massive text wall now but fuck,. fuck dude. FUCK. think about us!!!! think about us. think about the us we were on thanksgiving night and think of if you want that back because god dammit i do every moment of every day. thanks ♥]]