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fractalkiss · 6 months

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fic commentary/notes for the year you thought you were dying.

trying this thing where i do fic commentaries here instead of on dreamwidth since most of my recent dw posts will be private now.

influences:

there was this BL titled "my 40-year-old prostitute" in english or something like that that a mutual from twt recommended. look, it was good. im so fucking serious. the yaoi art was beautiful and sexy and it started out so well with compelling characters. but the translators ceased uploading translations by just chapter 2 in 2020 on [redacted] site. which effectively meant the premise never left me for months and i was so sad.

joke's on me tho all of this really became serious after i wrote tumblr ficlets of 1418 hooker au in response to some fun ask prompts in the summer, which are in my fic tag somewhere.

some quotes from more influences:

"It’s obvious that the range of people who sought out sex for money would change dramatically in a kinder, gentler world. [...] Sex work would also attract stone butches of all genders and sexual orientations—people who want to run the fuck but are not interested in experiencing their own sexual vulnerability and pleasure. Often these people are the most adept at manipulating other people’s experiences. They are more objective about their partners’ fantasies and do not become distracted by their own desires, since their needs to remain remote and in control are already being fulfilled. - pat califa, 1994, 2000

"You. What will you let yourself become for me?" - dorothy allison, her thighs, 1992.

the essay "her thighs" is about lesbian power play and so influential to me. i think dorothy allison is a very powerful writer and i love her poetry.

this is an allison excerpt from jane ward's the tragedy of heterosexuality:

i kept this in mind too while i was writing manuela's short backstory.

the process:

i wanted crazy thangs with the structure. i wanted most of the sexual intimacy to be revealed much later to the reader, after we go through mostly the companionship aspect of the service -- which i realise now is not crazy but a boring approach and would really change the story so i didnt do it.

sex pollen fic done this way is my fave tho. helenish wrote this sga fic called This Gun for Hire with sex amnesia in it where everyone is in denial in the aftermath about the kind of sex that was repeatedly happening. there are other fic examples (can't quite remember or have bookmarked) where the denial and delusion is so completely off the charts with a character in trying to get through the aftermath of the event without a freaky sex trope involved.

so i wondered if i could pull off that kind of blurriness and denial in the structure for a character who KNOWS what is happening but thinks they're still straight and will die straight lmao. but fernando in this story is just jaded, retiring and isn't cripplingly repressive.

the notes from my word tracker doc that i had to do to be able to write long fic. i laugh at this every time:

my projected word count for this was 20k, which was so off lmfao.

i put off getting them to have sexy fun in italy at one point because i didn't know yet what emotional point they needed to get to and what grounds they'd be on then. i wrote a bit of a very different scene to lead up to it, but then scrapped it. and then i wrote the auction night and the morning-after scene. tension and conflict (without having to use miscommunication as the necessary crutch) is always one of my most favorite things to write about so i was so glad i got to this point LOL. the payoff of reaching a compromise and then an emotional release later is so rewarding to me! i love that shit

emotionally i just knew i needed it to be like the mindy nettifee poem i grabbed the fic title from.

figuring out how to write lance in this fic was really hard ngl since i went into the story almost blind. cofi made me realise this blind spot when i showed her an early wip and i was like hold awn.... if i wasn't sending @strulovic broken drafts and doing lanceology consultations with her, i wouldn't have gotten anywhere in the story.

alonso being a divorcee irl is so important to each and every one of my agendas thank god for the gay uncle. i did a lot of google searching to be able to write fernando's approach to sex and relationships outside of the job. i knew what i wanted to take away, like the difficulties with intimacy that former workers have had, and still have after the industry sometimes. fernando scrubbing his hands clean at lance's place after the auction despite not having sex with the auction client, his views on wanting the sex with his ex-wife and other exes to be "acceptable and proper" in contrast to whatever he's done for work, and how the internalised homophobia warps this for him while he tries to play the gentleman with lance in italy (and lance being able to read through him and understand that fernando DOES want to fuck him nasty ‼️ though lance doesn't understand the extent of fernando's issue with it). there are also accounts where sex work gave a worker the experience, space and autonomy they needed to slowly heal from prior traumatic and/or abusive experiences. the research was very interesting.

relied on music A LOT. an honorary ldr song [hears collective groaning] that didn't get included in the fic playlist was Love song. lance was in that passenger seat beside fernando in their sleek '67 restored fiat on the way to umbria wishing and wishing to get railed.

ALMOST FORGOT TO INCLUDE: ferrari to mclaren 2.0 fernando was the print here. he keeps the ferrari depression beard ofc.

truly not an overstatement, i think this fic was what made writing smth as long as this quite enjoyable and bearable for me. dare i say fun! haha

#**#q

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willel · 7 months

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Why is twitter so toxic? I think you wrote something about it some time ago, that on tumblr, for instance, there’s no immediate incentive to write a hit post and then to come up with the most outrageous claims that create "engagement"? Or because it’s not really about direct conversation made of short messages when everyone wants to "win" the argument, but favors calm analysis instead. Anyway, I just can’t go there anymore right now, too much hate and stupidity, I’m glad there’s still blogs like you and a few others to enjoy some ST escapism.

Twitter's short form context was pretty great when it came out years ago. "Tweets" were generally someone putting random thoughts out in the aether or a quick notification or an alert to check out news on this site or that site. I feel like it wasn't meant for what it is today, for people to be interacting with each other in a meaningful way. Like, what are you gonna talk about in 100 characters or less? That's why you'll sometimes see old tweets of celebrities floating around of the most random nonsensical statements with no context. That's what twitter was as its core.

Now combine that with people starting to use twitter for more than just random thoughts that popped into peoples head. It started to be used for political activism (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) and fandom activities.

We all know how bad politics fandom can get on long form sites like tumblr and reddit. Imagine how much worse it is when you cut away all context and nuance to fit in a tweet.

Imo, it set twitter on a downward spiral. Doesn't matter how much they increase the character limit, the culture now is tweet fast. React fast. Argue fast. If you lose, resort to other means. Anything to win. Anything to get your tweets more attention that the other person.

It's like a game. I'm sure that plays into the desire to be "famous" that a lot of social media enjoyers crave.

I'm not saying tumblr is much better, but I feel the culture here is more like "take your time" or "time doesn't matter, old stuff is good". Tumblr does have an issue with people not reblogging content, causing good posts and content to go unnoticed given there is no real algorithm here, which is sad. But for the most part, ain't nobody here trying to get famous. Everything is talking and creating stuff for the sake of it.

Most of the time even the people arguing here are arguing about stuff that happens off site or they stay in their corners and tag correctly. (if you don't tag correctly and start fights on purpose, I immediately assume you must be from twitter)

People who have been here on my blog for a while are probably thinking "Tch, what do you know about fandom conflict?" and let me tell you, in my youth I participated in a ship war. It was just one,but still. I didn't resort to name calling or doxing people though, that's for sure. I wrote essays and essays in response to people, defended my ship, made stuff for my ship (which I still do), the whole shebang. It was all here on tumblr and deviantart. I do have a twitter for that fandom but I don't use it for any drama. I can say the drama on twitter is MUCH WORSE than anything I experienced on tumblr.

That is the ST fandom on twitter in a nutshell. No one can mind their own business. They're constantly spying on each other, posting using common search terms of the people they don't like and then acting surprised when the people they don't like respond to them. It's all like a game. Every blue moon when I go there to see if there's WillEl things, inevitably I will see shippers using it to fight against each other or crap on Will or El.

Once a week it's the same suspects saying the same things over and over again. Finding something pointless to be mad about. Sending angry anon messages. Never actually sitting down to enjoy the ships/relationships they claim to be a fandom of. Cannot mind their business and always have something negative to say. Denying what is literally in the show because they personally don't like it. Literally the worst kind of people to have in your fandom. (I associate that kind of behavior with like.... Riverdale drama or something. Sorry if you're a Riverdale fan. Lol)

In conclusion, yeah. I think twitter is that way because the short form context has breed a culture of "win or lose". Mixed with a little bit of celebrity idolization and a desperate desire for people to interact with you even if it's negative.

#ask #Anonymous

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strideofpride · 2 years

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Rewatching the Rufus/Lily opera scene and the Dan/Blair sleepover scene, I actually feel like that was a purposeful callback??? Dan and Blair were about to make their ~debut~ at the opera JUST like Rufus and Lily did in that episode, but instead they ended up doing their own thing that was as much Dan as it was Blair. It actually felt like they had learned from Rufus and Lily’s mistakes in that episode, and were being set up to succeed where Rufus and Lily were at that moment failing. It’s honestly so weird how hard the writing swerves in 5x22, because in 5x20 it genuinely felt like they were being set up as the endgame couple the audience was meant to root for!

I think they were gonna make their debut at the premiere of a Broadway show (End of the Rainbow, would later go on to become the movie Judy). So I don’t know if that specifically was a reference to Rufly, or just a piece of corporate synergy or doing a favor to a Broadway producer friend or something to get the musical mentioned on GG.

But yes! That storyline was clearly a response to Rufus and Lily and their failing marriage. And while, as a Dair shipper we could clearly see that Dan and Blair worked out their problems and did create their world at the end there, I don’t think the writers were ever intending them to be endgame sadly. Like yes, the way they wrote them, they could’ve been an endgame pairing, but their eyes were closed to that. And they still kept throwing Chuck in there (thinking of the moment in 519 when Blair is like “I feel like singing those papers means I’m closing the door on something” and then Chuck appears in the elevator - it’s stupid, and makes no sense, cause Blair could’ve been with Chuck, could be with Chuck right at that moment, and had rejected him for Dan and yet…I think that was the writers way of still being all “she secretly still loves Chucky!!!!” 🙃 GG has bad writing guys, did you know that?)

But anyway, my point to that was, even though Dair worked out their problems, I still think the writers paralleling them to Rufly who were on the verge of divorce was uh…intentional and very much a part of the whole gross “people from different worlds can’t make it work unless one of them drastically changes themself to do it” narrative aka the whole “Dan and Serena can make it work now that he’s Gossip Girl and corrupted himself” narrative. The writers were simply both too committed to their 🪑 and Serena endgames, as well as their extremely classist take on the world of rich people good poor people bad unless poor people make themselves like the rich people by letting power corrupt them 🙃 (oh look…gonna link that video essay again)

(Also sidenote: I watched a featurette thing they made alongside the airing of the 100th episode, and they only talked about three couples: 🪑, derena and Rufly which was very interesting to me. And goes back to Ivy’s tags on my post this morning about how Rufly was such an endgame pairing????? And it’s so wrong that they’re not. And I don’t really understand at what point in the writers’ room they decided that derena and Rufly both couldn’t be endgame since it felt like that was the direction they were going for a long time. And also again, I think part of the reason the writers broke them up is because they stopped believing in the concept of “our world” and only believed in adapting to join someone else’s)

But also it’s basically been confirmed at this point, that Sara Goodman replaced Safran BEFORE the end of season 5 and clearly rewrote things. I don’t think safran would’ve made dair endgame but I do think he would’ve broken them up in a way that wasn’t just pure and total 🪑 fanfiction like 5x24 was.

#anyway this really got away from me and I have no idea if my point is coherent at all #haven’t been feeling well and kinda had a really rough morning anyway anyway #dair #rufly #anti chair #gossip girl #anti derena #gg meta #otp: dan loves me for me #anonymous #strideofprideanswers

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mr-and-mr-diaz · 1 year

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Hi! I'm new to this fandom and to this ship! I was wondering for NSFW fics which dynamic is the more popular/most content? Top buck/bottom eddie or top eddie/bottom buck?

Did you want an essay response? I don't know. Do you have one? Yes, enjoy! <3

First of all, welcome to the fandom! We're in upheaval right now :) Now, to your question: I plugged this into AO3 and got 12 results for Top Evan Buckley/Bottom Eddie Diaz. Then I got 14 results for Top Eddie Diaz/ Bottom Evan Buckley. Which unfortunately doesn't tell us which one is more popular (buddie has over 20,000 fanfics, there’s NO WAY), it more likely tells is that tagging in this fandom has its problems.

TBH I think tagging "top" and "bottom" had gone out of style overall, with a lot of accusations of fetishizing with MM pairings flying around on this hellsite and of course, twitter. Which makes me laugh, because 1.) so many people look for just that even if they publicly decry it 2.) why are we making fetishes illegal again? With the exception of dangerous and/or illegal content, if it brings someone joy why does anyone care..? But that's a topic for another time.

Now, back to your question: Buddie as top/bottom. Since the tags won't help us, I'm going to venture into fandom experience and my own opinions (feel free to ignore all of this): I think who is more dominant in the relationship (since no one is tAgGinG) has a bit of a seesaw depending on the season and the whims of the fandom. There are a few trends that have contributed to this:

Some fans writing Eddie as this abusive fisticuff-driven, doesn't-think-just-hits angry dude, and Buck shrunk in a corner all like "nooooo I'm sad because of the lawsuit!" This rose to popularity during Eddie's season 3 street fighting phase, and had pretty much already gone out of style by the time I joined the fandom.

More recently, I noticed a spate of fans making Buck out to be this hulking strongman while Eddie is this ancient, yet naïve and shrinking waif who cannot help but blush prettily every time Buck gives him the time of day. This narrative primarily rose to popularity starting season 4 when Oliver Stark started working out more and posting all his videos to social media. I find this trope so irritating and off-base that I wrote whole-ass essays about it. To me at least, it borders on the one thing in fandom that makes me nauseous--one character in a dynamic bastardized for the sake of the poorly disguised Self Insert Fantasy. The facts are that Eddie is no hulking 6"2 like Buck, he is instead a hulking 6" even, and his personality and physicality are both incredibly strong, way too strong for this narrative to have any basis in canon. So yeah, it feels icky to me. But again, if it makes people happy, then whatever. I'll still write about disliking it though, because it makes me sad :(

What's my favorite dynamic? GoOd qUeStIoN... Lol, tbh you could probably sus it out pretty easily by reading the fics that I write. Fair warning though, most of them are pretty schmoopy :)

#buddie #buddie dynamics

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cleverwench · 2 years

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this is weird but i saw your tags on an old post abt darryl and white josh from cxg "#their breakup leaves a bad fucking taste in my mouth#i could go off about cxg's lazy self-righteous and hypocritical treatment of romantic narratives#but i won't :)" and listen i would LOVE to hear

not weird at all! hope you like essay-length responses lmao.

the tl;dr is that i feel like the anti-narrative ethos driving the latter half of craxy ex-girlfriend was extremely unsuccessful and made the show kind of eat its own arm off.

"life doesn't make narrative sense" is a great message, and I do see where they were going with it and how it applies to rebecca's life. however, the problem is that, no matter how much the show switched up traditional storytelling methods, cxg began as and remained a fictional serialized television show with its own defined narrative.

take darryl and white josh's breakup. i fully believe that if people had felt as neutral about darryl x whiJo as they did about, say, heather x hector, they would've been endgame lol. but since fans shipped them and wanted them to stay together, the writers had them break up to make sure that they knew that "life doesn't make narrative sense." A really well-written and beloved romantic couple was unrealistic, but couples like heather and hector (i don't mean to pick on them because i like them fine!) and, far worse, darryl and the woman he met at the end of the show, ARE realistic specifically because they aren't fun or narratively well-developed?

the last season is even worse. they spent 17 EPISODES (some of my favorite shows barely have 17 episodes total) actively trying their hardest to entice the audience to take a "side" regarding rebecca's romantic life with the clear intention of going "psych" at the end. I can't help but feel that they must have wanted 1) people to genuinely pick a side so they could sucker punch them with their message at the end, AND/OR 2) make people feel silly for ever having picked a side previously.

that all just feels so disingenuous to me because, over the years, the show really made the connections between rebecca and each of her boyfriends seem (to varying degrees) genuine at certain times, so for them to then be like "lol isn't this whole tv show romance thing a ridiculous notion?" feels like a bit of a reductive take, you know? I really liked rebecca's boyfriends as characters, i became invested in them and their journeys. i was never invested in shipping her with any of them, but would it really be so bad if someone was? after all, they literally wrote them as genuine love interests.

plus there were just sooo many missed opportunities in that last season. I didn't particularly enjoy seeing the guys manipulated into rebecca-obsessed robots who would do anything to earn her love to serve the season arc. instead, imagine if the writers had pulled a bojack horseman and started focusing on josh and nathaniel (and other characters) moving on from her and having their own stories. what if we'd seen Josh meet/fall for his girlfriend or seen nathaniel starting out at the zoo?

Why make everything in a season be about romance when the ultimate message is that romance isn't everything? why tell us using this really silly love quadrangle plot when they could have just shown us?

and don't even get me started on greg. i want to preface this next statement with the caveat that i admittedly watched cxg years after it finished airing. by myself. and didn't discuss it with anyone. so maybe it's just me. however, from the first second greg came back in s4, i got extremely strong vibes that the writers felt he was the best romantic fit for rebecca. every scene he was in just seemed to have more weight to it, and he was the one who'd done the most to work on himself of the three guys. and there's just something so hypocritical about making such a strong point about her not picking someone only to - in my opinion - quite prominently hint at her best/most likely choice while also refusing to definitively make that choice. like if you're going to say that it was never about the individual guys but about rebecca choosing herself, don't show a preference for one of them! and if you have a preference for one because he's bettered himself/matured more than the others, be brave enough to come out and say so directly!

this comes back to the narrative thing. i believe they didn't want to take a side on her romantic life not only because they wanted to end with her choosing herself (which is a really nice message that fits well with the show overall) but also because no matter which one they picked, some fans would be happy. some group of people would have a cute, idyllic romantic story with the happy ending they'd always wanted. and that would directly go against the "life doesn't make narrative sense" ethos. because they felt that anything with a clean narrative - like a fan favorite couple being endgame - would defy this notion, they simply couldn't do it.

this is why i say they ate their own arm off. they created interesting characters and stories only to eventually unceremoniously snuff them out out or take a bizarre left turn with them rather than take them to an interesting and organic place. it really felt like the writers came to interpret "life doesn't make narrative sense" as "only the least developed and worst written narratives make sense", which made for a frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying viewing experience.

#but idk maybe it's just me #crazy ex girlfriend #meta

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slickshoesareyoucrazy · 2 years

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I Can’t See Myself

So this post is going to be a ramble and a ride. Keep going at your own risk. I know maybe one of two of you have seen a version of this post before, but I also know at least one of you hasn’t. And I’m feeling it again. If I still had the old blog, maybe I’d be reblogging it with a bunch of tags, but instead I’m reposting it with edits.

I don’t feel the immediate desperation about writer’s block like I did in April and May of this year. It felt uncomfortable and even a little anxiety inducing for a while though. I’d say at least 6 months…probably longer. It was by far the longest I’ve had that feeling of, ‘Maybe I can’t do it at all anymore…maybe it’s never going to come back…maybe it’s just gone,’ without something shaking loose and getting better. I mean…that’s in a virtual lifetime of creating things. I’ve made up stories in my head my whole life that I can remember…but I just couldn’t do it for a year and a half. And it freaked me out a little. Part of that is the obvious creator angst that maybe a piece of me has disappeared or permanently malfunctioned or something. And part of it I’ve whined written about before in the post I’ll put up right next to this one, and my post ‘Next’. Maybe I’m not worth anything if I can’t produce something new for other people to consume. Maybe I’m invisible if I can’t make something new and current all the time for other people to see. I dunno. It’s been a rough ride here for me the past year-ish to be honest. And while the shit I have bitched wrote about regarding writer’s block in the past is definitely bothering me and weighing on me, the biggest problem with the fiction drought is that I’m hurting and I can’t find a way to alleviate it, because I can’t see myself.

I’ve revealed this privately to a couple of friends in the past, and I think I may have answered some old blog prompt 5 years ago about journaling or something by saying that writing clarifies things for me, and I don’t really journal, but I do write essays on the blog and *I write fiction.* And writing fiction is therapeutic for me in this very strange but real way. I can’t see MYSELF out of a bad patch. I’ve never been able to do that. I need somebody to come rescue me (which J often does, and some close friends do sometimes too, and I am very grateful for them every day for this and many other reasons). BUT I almost always can see SOMEBODY ELSE out of a bad patch. This is a simultaneous honor and danger for me, because there are people who turn to me fairly easily and readily to help them deal with their bad shit once they know me a little. (I probably cried 10 times watching Encanto. Seriously.) They know I’ll listen. They know I don’t normally get Mean and Judgy about things. And they learn over time, normally, that if they ask me (they almost always have to ask me, because I’VE learned to not offer it without being asked…it takes a borderline or maybe even an actual emergent situation for me to just go in guns blazing), I’ll give them honest advice. I can almost always see a way out, and I like doing that…I like searching for the way out and I really like actually finding one. For SOMEBODY ELSE. (So if you’re a person who has ever been all, ‘Hey Walrus? Um…can you see a way out here?’ Don’t feel bad. I know I linked that song there, but my surface pressure always comes from the inside and explodes out; it doesn’t crush me from the outside.) So in this odd way, fiction is a tool for me. If I’m in a jam or feeling shitty and I don’t want to burden turn to J or a friend about my shit, I’d just make up somebody who was kinda like me and give them a problem that was kinda like mine and then I’d push them out of it. I could see myself through other people…imaginary people. When I had a friend reading through the things I’ve already created, I could see myself a bit in the old stuff, and it helped me get to a place where I did produce something new really pretty fast in August. I got reconnected with some pieces of myself I’d never felt good about writing about before. But now that friend has turned out to be fictional, even though they and I are both real people, and I can’t see myself in the old stuff anymore. And now I’m back to a place where I can’t see myself. Like…at all.

And now I’m going to do an abrupt shift to pandemic media consumption. I’m an American, and I’m a pronounced introvert with moderate to severe agoraphobia on a NON pandemic living day. Like…I’ve ALWAYS hated the fucking grocery store if you get what I’m saying. I’d honestly just stay in my house all the time if given the choice anyway. But that’s still not super good for me, and I’ve found that out in more ways that I’m comfortable with this year. Writer’s block is part of it, but another part of it which seems dumb on the surface but is looking and feeling very real now is that I’ve run out of media to consume without leaving my house. I appreciated people who have recommended new shows and new music and new things to read to me because honestly? The well is pretty dry at this point. I’ve found myself several times in the past 6 months scrolling through a streaming service, trolling for anything new, and saying to myself, ‘Seen it, seen it, seen it, will definitely trigger anxiety which is why I skipped it the last pass, seen it, seen it, seen it three times, seen it probably 20 times since 1990, will make me cry and who fucking needs THAT right now, seen it…’ And I watched a lot of shows I’d have otherwise not tried at all, because they were someone else’s favorites. That was fun at the time, but honestly...they weren’t my cup of tea. I enjoyed doing it, but I think I just mostly enjoyed being there to see someone else’s joy, which has always been awesome for me. So being American, you know what DOES show up new all the time? True crime shit. Oh here’s a new podcast/docuseries/docudrama/episode of 12 year old series about murder/marital infidelity/graft/fraud/catfishing/mass abuse scandals and coverups/cults. So J and I have (unfortunately?) consumed a lot of this kind of shit in the past year or two. Like…A LOT. And we find ourselves often listening or watching (or even reading) this stuff and I hear myself say this phrase to J at least twice a week: ‘I can’t see myself…<believing that person/going to another place with that person/marrying that person/dating that person/being friends with that person/doing business with that person/falling for that line/tolerating that behavior/ever treating a person like that/being violent in that situation/whatever>…’ But the important part of that is ‘I can’t see myself.’ And maybe the reason I can’t see myself doing any of the shit anybody on any of this ‘real’ media has done or is doing is because no one else sees me either. Maybe I really am invisible unless I’m producing something new for other people to consume and that’s current and pleasing or at least entertaining for other people to see. There’s this weird little wrinkle in the podcasts in particular where the podcast host/moderator has people who know the victim/survivor/main protagonist in the story describe that person for the audience to know them better. I’m not sure anyone could do that for me if I was ever murdered. Maybe not even J. He’s not all that great with words, to be honest. And I find myself wondering, ‘Does anybody actually see me? Could anyone describe me for Tiffany Reese or Keith Morrison?’ Maybe not. I can’t even see myself.

And then there’s this piece of every one of the abuse/murder ones at least where someone’s mom/sister/best friend/adult child/coworkers call law enforcement to report a problem. Something is wrong; I haven’t heard from <important person> in <amount of time, but this amount of time ranges from 1 hour later than I expected to see/hear from them and they aren’t answering their phone to a couple of days or weeks>, so they are either seriously injured, kidnapped, or dead. Go do something about it.’ So then I think if my kid was away at college or living his own life and something had happened to J? No one would ever notice I was gone. Even the most important connections I have in my life beyond that? No one would think anything bad had happened because they didn’t hear from me for weeks….months…years. Unless I was producing something new for them to consume; making something current and pleasing/entertaining for them to see. I don’t reach out to people unless I think I have something new or pleasing or entertaining or all of that for them to see and/or consume. I never have. Because I can’t see myself without it.

I don’t want anyone who actually reads this to think I’m having like a potential self harm episode coming up or anything, because I’m not. I promise. But I am really having a real hard time seeing myself right now. Or at least seeing myself in a good, positive way. Hearing someone you’ve become close to tell you all the things you’d worked for years to no longer believe about yourself and use as the words to beat yourself up with and accuse you of the very things past abusers told you about yourself over and over again reverses a lot of forward self esteem and seeing yourself progress. I can feel that I’ve lost ground in those areas. Everything I thought this person was helping me with has kind of been destroyed in the past month. The writing maybe wasn’t good; maybe I’m not good at it like I’d finally started to believe from other people telling me so. I’m actually not a good friend; not a good mom; not a good person, like I’d started to accept at least occasionally might be true when J or A or my son said it. Maybe I really can’t connect to other people in a real way; maybe I really am invisible; maybe I really am worthless if I can’t be of service.

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writer-akihiko · 3 years

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Okay so I believe asks are open if not feel free to delete but could you do shy Collage MC asking the Vamp questions about themselves because she has to write a paper about there time/themselves but dosent have the internet so asks the boys 💜 thank you hope you have a good day!!!

IkeVamp Boys + MC's Interview

This was a little bit short on my part, and I didn't want to make it such a long interview so I kept it to about one to two questions so sorry if you expected more... I more so focused on their responses if that's okay. I also imagined the setting to be in the modern world, with the suitor and MC at her apartment!

So... this is tagged #slightly not family friendly because of implied innuendos. Napoleon's cursed part and Mozart's cursed part are inspired by @delicateikemenmemes's post about them respectively, but they are not too cursed here.

Warnings: innuendos, mention of gore, execution and suicide although not explicit. Read at your own discretion.

Napoleon Bonaparte

"So um… What's… Oh dear…" You took a deep breath. "Whatdoyouthinkaboutpeopleturningyourpenisintoarelic?" [What do you think about people turning your penis into a relic]

He gets wary, covering a pillow to his crotch area, letting out a cough

He thought what could've been the reason, so the first thing he said was, "Is it because it was bi-"

You panicked, shaking your head, saying you didn't know why on earth they would. Your face turned red, fainting at the thought of it

Napoleon caught you before you landed anywhere dangerous, but the topic was abandoned quickly. You didn't even get to ask your second question, which was about Napoleon's short height…

Isaac Newton

"About… The story of the apple tree…" You started, knowing how annoyed he'd get about apples.

He coughed on his tea, spilling some on his shirt. He never knew you'd ask, but after your explanation he tried to explain as much as he could about it. "There was a tree I remember… Maybe it was near the university…"

There wasn't a definite answer, so you tried to develop the words on your own

Isaac then stepped in, first admiring the device you wrote your essay with (he isn't used to technology yet) but then he helped you with the paper

In your opinion, you thought he stepped in so that no embarrassing things get in your paper

Arthur Conan Doyle

"I was wondering… um… about your wives. Jean?" You asked, hesitating about how you approached the question.

He set his coffee cup down, wiping off any remnants of the drink. You thought he was angry, but he just reached out a hand to you, patting your head and asking why

When you told him it was for a paper, he agreed and began talking about Louisa and Jean. There were interesting stories that you'd never heard before, but you were glad to include them

After every story, a soft smile would grace his lips, as he fondly told of them and his children. "I have to admit, I miss them from time to time…"

The stories went on, but at the end of it, Arthur made it clear that it would be the last time he'd talk about his wives, and you respected that. "I hope you understand, YN. I want to think about you, if you'd let me."

Dazai Osamu

"Dazai… I'm asking this seriously," You said. "…Why did you want to take your life with a beautiful woman?"

He was silent for a while, but then he took your hands in his. "YN… I know you need this information, but it's not something I can give out so easily, even to you…"

You shook your head, "Dazai, thank you for telling me the truth."

Instead, Dazai gave you other alternatives for your paper, since he was willing to give you any other info about himself… Although…

"YN~ Why don't you add how muscular I was?" He teased, but you were quick to refuse. "Why not? You can testify for it~"

Theodorus Van Gogh

"Is… Is it alright if I ask about Johanna?" You shuffled in your seat, preparing for Theo to say that it wasn't alright.

He was pretty relaxed about your prying, in fact, he didn't mind it too much. He even asked specific questions, so he could give you accurate answers

Then it came to telling Theo about what happened to Johanna afterwards. He was enthusiastic about it. "Johanna… She's the strongest woman I've met."

You agreed too, and you both talked about Johanna for a long time, until Theo ran out of stories to tell about his wife

There wasn't much after, as you finally completed your paper. Theo was rewarded with a kiss, and you could finally get a good night's of sleep

Vincent Van Gogh

"Etto… Vincent… I wanted to ask about your ear…" You said, explaining about the rumour of his missing ear.

There wasn't much response from Vincent, except he answered with a straight "That's not true."

He went back to his painting, and you silently continued your work, but then you were stumped on another part of your paper…

It then turned into a quick fire question-and-answer session with Vincent saying yes and no to the questions you had

He was quite curt, but after writing your paper, he revealed a painting which was of you, working hard at your desk. To say that you were embarrassed was an understatement…

Leonardo Da Vinci

"Leo… Is it okay if I ask you about that flying gadget you sketched once?" You hesitated. You wondered if he was embarrassed about a failed invention…

"Sure cara mia," He said. "I can draw it once again, maybe as an authentic copy?"

He earnestly answered your questions, but in turn he asked his own questions about your modern world

It lead to you showing Leonardo a video about how modern planes worked, and he was fascinated by how it worked

He also helped you with your paper, particularly with details you didn't know how to describe. His only intention was for you to finish so he could spend more quality time with you…

Jean D'Arc

"Jean… What do you think about people thinking you're a woman?" You asked, as Jean was making 'maronron' batter.

He was silent, looking down at his shirt then looking at you. "YN… I don't have breasts like yours."

You shook your head, then seeing how Jean misunderstood, you showed him the records about where they listed out Jean to be a woman

He was… mortified to say the least. He didn't know that so many people misinterpret it so… "What if… I convince those historians…"

It took all your strength to convince Jean not to drive to the Department of Histories to swing his sword at them and show he was a man… Especially in modern times…

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

"Um… Mozart… about… your cat-like imitation…" You held the printed record in your hand.

He didn't make a sound, instead walking up to you and gently prying the paper off your hands before brutally ripping it apart

You were too shocked to process what happened, except for the words of Mozart telling you, "Research something else."

It ended with you handing the topic to someone else. The topic was not talked of again

Actually… Mozart still searched any articles that contained it and hid it from you… just in case you were curious

Comte Saint Germain

"About you finding immortality…" You said, reading the records you received. "Was it just a ploy?"

He set his tea cup down, smiling. "Perhaps. I didn't expect my lie to work so well though. Isn't that interesting?"

There wasn't much records about him in the first place but then… it came to the fiction works

Comte asked you questions about what made him so interesting to become fiction in the first place, but with how you were, there wasn't much you could say…

"Now… I can't share all the interesting things about myself, but I'm sure you can," He said, wrapping a blanket over your shoulders. "I can promise you dinner when you finish that paper though…"

William Shakespeare

"William… These depictions of you and skulls… Did you happen to-"

"Hmm… I wonder?" He said, tilting his head in your direction. "Ara… what if it were? What if were not…"

You got dizzy from William's words, taking a break from the notes. William then noticed you were reading an excerpt about him

William then turned to you, asking you about the text. "YN, what affinity you have of the dizzying words of this modern world…"

You… you weren't sure how to reply to that. Oh well… Different writers had a difference of opinions…

Vlad

You gulped, as you read the sentence from your notepad. "About… About you eating in front of dead people…"

"Never happened." He said abruptly. It was too quick, and knowing Vlad, it seemed as if it weren't the full truth…

Vlad was quick to deflect any further questions you had about him, but he didn't interrupt your questions at all

"Vlad… is there something you want to tell me?" You asked. He shook his head, going back to his paper

You pouted, but settled on the records you had. Little did you know… Vlad corrected all the records you had when you were away

Johann Georg Faust

"Faust… Did you ever… um... Did you ever cast magic?" You asked, wondering if the records of 'magic is real' were true.

"Well... I am a vampire," He said. He went back to his writings, but his response only left you confused

"I know Vlad can cast 'magic' but why would you ever? Unless you're like Comte-" You were cut off by Faust's coughs

He deflected any questions after, but he saw the way you pouted so he allowed that one question about magic

It was a no, but then he went on to talk about what he thought was magic, and it ended with you laughing at the modern science that he thought was 'magic'

Charles-Henri Sanson

"Hey… Were you ever scared when you executed someone?" You asked. It was a theoretical paper, so you decided to take the advantage of having Charles with you.

He coughed out the cookie he was eating, immediately asking what the info was for. You had to be honest, Charles in a onesie with a cookie just made it better

He paused to think about the question, then followed it up with a "I'm not sure. I hate it now, but in the past..."

He diverged from the topic, seeing as how you were satisfied with the info from it

After all, you promised to watch more classical movies with him! And talking animal movies too~

#ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikevamp mozart #ikevamp william #ikevamp isaac #ikevamp vincent #ikevamp theo #ikevamp sebastian #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp comte #ikevamp arthur #ikevamp vlad #ikevamp jean #ikevamp charles #ikevamp faust #ikevamp scenarios #ikevamp napoleon

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doreamu-san · 3 years

Text

An analysis of SolKy

Hello! Thank you so much for clicking on this. A while ago, I was asked to do an essay explaining why people ship SolKy other than the whole rivals/opposites attract reason, and I got a lot of feedback stating it was useful for newcomers to the ship! As a result I’ve decided to post this on tumblr, but just on the ship’s tag as to not bother uninterested people.

A couple of disclaimers before I begin. This is firstly just my own opinion, so whilst it makes sense for me, other shippers may disagree with my points. I’m also not claiming they are canon because they are not. But I do hope it’ll give some insight into why some people like me enjoy them together.

Even once you’ve read this essay, you can still dislike SolKy. This isn’t an essay stating you have to ship them.

This will be extremely long as I basically cover every single interaction they’ve ever had with each other since I know some people sort of gloss over their dialogue, so grab yourself a drink, get comfy, and I hope you enjoy reading!

(Last edited: 09/05/2021. This will be updated again when Strive releases!)

How this all began

If we’re starting right at the beginning, it’s common knowledge that Ky and Sol weren’t exactly on great terms and often clashed most of the time due to their conflicting beliefs. Ky saw the world in terms of black and white, and had very strict rules on what constituted as right and wrong. Sol seemed to think differently and went against that, which was a stark contrast compared to the other Order members at the time.

Considering that they were in fact, in the middle of a war, you would think that generally people would be willing to put their differences aside and work together.

But Sol wasn’t like everyone else, going off and doing his own thing instead of actually listening to orders, so it’s understandable why Ky found him rather irritating.

However, Ky did grow curious of Sol. Obviously curiosity does not equate to love, but it is the basis of Ky wanting to become more friendly with and know more about Sol. There seemed to be something that Sol knew but Ky didn’t, but how was that possible..? As a result, despite how infuriating he could be, Ky sought to seek out the truth and so fought him for answers.

In regards to why exactly they fight (aside from the fact that this is a fighting game), Ishiwatari wrote something called ‘Hostility is Akin to Love’ right above a picture of them fighting:

Hostility is akin to love Thinking of your opponent’s actions to fight, Reading your opponent’s inner thoughts to fight, Planning attacks that will hit your opponent to fight, And then transmitting your thoughts with those attacks, The more you think of your own advantage, at the same time you think of your opponent, In the instant you mix with your opponent, a passionate feeling arises, and blood boils, Reality is hurt, and you wound your opponent, Hostility is akin to love. — Guilty Gear Isuka Mook

It states how fighting someone can be close to feelings of love because you have to think about what your opponent is doing, as well as how you’re going to respond to your opponent. Overtime, you start to memorise how your opponent thinks, and as a result you’ll know them on a deeper level.

So considering the above, this explains how even though they weren’t on friendly terms, they still formed a bond with one another.

Now we’ve established how exactly their relationship started, and why Ky was curious about Sol in the first place, let’s look at things from Sol’s perspective.

Sol’s attitude towards Ky

We know that Sol was also pretty annoyed by Ky, which was totally justifiable given the extreme way in which Ky thought the world worked. But Sol didn’t exactly dislike Ky.

In order to provide some evidence that Sol cares about Ky, let’s cover that infamous scene everyone likes to reference which shows Sol crying over Ky’s dead body:

Sol: "I came to pick you up." Ky: "Always coming late... you never could fix that..." Sol: "You..." Ky: "As to be expected... until the very end... I could never beat you..." Sol: "Don't say anything!" Ky: "I have... a request..." Sol: "I said shut up!" Ky: "After Commander Kliff... carry on... the Holy Order..." Sol: "Stop it... that's your job!" Ky: "Please... promise me..." Sol: "Dammit..." Ky: "If it's you... you can do..." Sol: "Hey.... what's wrong. Hey! KYYYYYY!" — Guilty Gear XX Drama CD Side Red, Battle of Rome — Deathmatch

A lot of people bring this quote up when discussing SolKy and yes, it does show Sol cares about Ky considering how Sol never really cares about anyone in general, but the fact that Ky’s death managed to make him emotional shows what an impact Ky had on him. There are however more quotes that show Sol’s feelings.

There’s this scene in the GG Xtra manga, Ky and Sol get attacked by a mountain-sized gear. In order to save them, Sol rips off his limiter and Dragon Installs. This scene is very poignant when you take into consideration what Sol said in After Story A:

Sol: "Back during the Crusades, before we met... Kliff told me this rumour about a prodigy swordsman." Sol: "If you couldn't guess, that was you. I didn't give a shit at the time..." Sol: "But then I saw you on the battlefield." Sol: "I saw someone out there who surpassed all of my expectations. Or perhaps I should say 'something.'" Sol: "No openings, no wasted movements, no carelessness, no hesitation, no embarrassment, not even any honor. No chivalry or mercy. A being unaffected by emotion." Sol: "You were a killing machine. Taking down gears with brutal efficiency." Ky: "...That was a long time ago." Sol: "I'm not done talking. I've seen the face of the 'serious' Ky." Sol: "Then one day, you challenged me." Sol: "You wanna know what I thought right then?" Ky: "..." Sol: "I was afraid. Hell, I was scared shitless." Sol: "'He figured out that I'm a Gear, and he's come to kill me.' That's what I thought." — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, After Story A

Sol admits that he knows just how scary Ky can be. Since Ky was extremely against Gears, if Ky found out that Sol was a Gear, then Ky would have most likely attempted to kill him. But Sol knew this and was willing to die for Ky’s sake, and transformed anyway:

Ky: "Sol..." Ky: (Really... that's really..) Ky: (That's really you!?) Ky: "SOL!" Sol: "Shut it..." Sol: "I didn't do it..." Sol: "To help you out—...." — Guilty Gear Xtra, Chapter 5: Unspeakable Thoughts

Going off on a bit of a tangent from Sol’s feelings, but I just want to point out Ky’s state of mind at this point. Ky in this time period was still very anti-Gear, as it was only through this moment and his encounters with Solaria and Dizzy later that made him change his way of thinking. It took a long time for Ky to accept Gears, and he still had the remains of that mindset in him when he had Sin, as he refused to make eye contact with him because Ky was ashamed of having a Gear child. So the fact that Ky knew Sol was a Gear, believed all Gears were evil, but still decided to accept Sol into his life and wanted to support him regardless of that, is interesting.

Back to Sol, another small quote that manages to show Sol’s feelings towards Ky is this:

Sol: (Maybe I'll finish them off while I'm at it...) Sol: (But that would mean breaking my promise to Ky...) — Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus R, Sol Badguy Path 2

Now, Sol doesn’t care about 99% of what other people do as long as they don’t get in his way. The fact that he intends to keep his promise with Ky suggests that he holds Ky in somewhat ‘high’ regards compared to others.

There’s also this quote that shows Sol is thinking about Ky in Overture:

The frustrations of the man wielding a giant sword were piling day by day, and a familiar face appeared in his head. What’s he up to right now? “Hmph, whatever…” With a feeling of self-contempt, Sol Badguy shook his head. What am I getting sentimental for? — Guilty Gear 2: Overture, #0 “Noise”

And when Sol encounters Raven later on after seeing Ky incapacitated, Raven points out how he can tell Sol is upset, meaning Sol’s not really doing a good job of pretending he’s still indifferent to Ky.

Raven: "You're as ruthless as ever, huh, monster?" Sol: "Look who's talking." Raven: "Can you not put down your sword and talk? I understand you're upset with Ky Kiske defeated." Sol: "I'll ask your corpse for answers." — Guilty Gear 2: Overture, #5 "Gaze of the Chronicle"

Sol’s thoughts about Ky become even clearer during his confrontation with Sin when he’s under the influence of Valentine, where Sol defends Ky’s actions and tries to make Sin understand Ky is not 100% at fault:

Sin: "Can you see it? Can you feel it? This is my real power. This is my mother's strength." Sol: "But it's light. It must be from your father." Sin: "Shut up! Don't ever mention him!" Sin: "He abandoned my mother and me using justice as an excuse!" Sin: "Who cares about the King!? Who cares about the people!? That man, and that Kingdom, not one of them can protect a damn thing!" Sol: "I don't give a damn about your family." Sol: "But you know what, Ky may be a stubborn idiot, but at least he's true to his beliefs." Sol: "A punk like you is still alive thanks to his justice." — Guilty Gear 2: Overture, #15 "Roaring Compass"

Okay, that’s the pre-Xrd era for Sol done, now to focus on Ky’s pre-Xrd’s emotions.

Ky’s attitude towards Sol

We’ve established earlier that Ky was annoyed by Sol and disliked him in the Crusades. However, afterwards it seems as if Ky saw himself as friends with Sol:

Ofc1: "All of them seem to have been destroyed by... fire?" Ofc2: "Yeah... why could that be?" Ky: "........" Ky: "Change our course!" Ky: "Head towards the Eastern United States!" Ofc1: "May I ask why, Chief Ky?" Ky: "To meet an old friend." — Guilty Gear Xtra, Chapter 4: Former Friends

We know that Ky outwardly expressed his first signs of liking Sol when Sol stole the Fuuenken and Ky chased after him, only for Sol to win in their duel, and Ky says this:

Ky: "Promise me one thing..." Sol: "..What?" Ky: "We'll meet again." Sol: "Hmph... Well, if fate brings us together..." Ky: "..That's fine." — Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus R, Sol Badguy Path 1

It’s pretty interesting that Ky wanted to see Sol again despite how Sol never used to listen to his orders, and how Sol never even tried to act like what the Order expected their men to act like (chivalrous, putting the people first, etc). It at least shows us that Ky saw possibly the potential of becoming friends with Sol. And Sol didn’t even say straight up ‘no’ or ‘in your dreams’ or whatever Badguy-esque notion he usually would’ve done, so we can assume he doesn’t mind seeing Ky again either.

Then they don’t speak to each other properly for 5 years until the tournament that Testament holds, though they have probably ran into each other a few times within those years.

A common misconception people have is that during those 5 years, Ky was obsessed with Sol and would constantly try to find him. Obviously, this is not true. Ky was busy with IPF stuff and Sol was hunting Gears down.

However, it’s not as if Ky completely forgot about Sol — he was just probably at the back of his mind, and Ky does admit that he has been chasing after Sol the most more than anyone else:

Ky: (Waiting outside for me when I left the ship... burning red flames. Soon, they seem to take the shape of a man... and he appears before me. Yes... it's him. The one I've been after the most... it's him.) — Guilty Gear X Drama CD, Vol. 1: Track Seven — Crater

There’s also these two other quotes:

Ky: (Sol...) Ky: (Why are you so stubborn about doing things alone?) — Guilty Gear Xtra, Chapter 5: Unspeakable Thoughts

You can interpret this in two ways: either Ky wants to help Sol out and/or he’s curious as to why Sol always does stuff alone.

And then there’s this:

Ky: "Maintaining peace, law, and order. That is my duty." Sol: "Whatever..." Ky: "You and I, we are cut from the same cloth." Ky: "How long are you going to keep that facade?" Sol: "..." Ky: "Answer me Sol!" — Guilty Gear Judgment, Sol and Ky Ending

Being ‘cut from the same cloth’ is quite a strong statement. The phrase means that Ky thought he and Sol were similar somehow, and that he shared something with Sol. Regardless, the ‘how long are you going to keep that facade’ at least shows that Ky knows Sol is intentionally acting distant/rough/etc. and that its not actually who he is.

Jumping to pre-Overture, just before Ky gives Sin to Sol, Ky is in a really depressive state due to all of the stress he’s been going through. This leads Dizzy to contact Sol. The fact that Sol is called means that Dizzy knows that Sol is possibly the only person who can help Ky at that point, which puts some emphasis on just how much Sol means to Ky or at least affects him.

Before I move onto Xrd, there’s this part where Ky gives his son to Sol. This proves he trusts Sol so much considering he was asking him to take care of Sin for a long period of time.

Ky: “Sol....I want to request something...” Sol: “...hnn?” Ky: “My son....Sin..can you take care of him for a while?” Sol: “...what did you say?” Ky: “I know it’s unreasonable but...I still want to ask...” — GG2: Overture Story, Sol's Story

The Xrd era (because it is so long, it needs its own section)

The Xrd era is extremely interesting to me, because Sol and Ky have some more in-depth conversations, and boy, do they have a lot of conversations.

Focusing on Sol first, theres a scene in REV where Sol asks Ky why he isn’t interested in his past:

Sol: "Why don't you ask me already?" Ky: "Ask you what?" Sol: "About my past." Ky: "I can ask you?" Sol: "I guarantee, it won't be interesting." Sol: "Every other word that came out of your mouth was 'Duel me,' or 'I challenge you!' You were so eager to fight and..." Ky: "........" — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, Story Mode: Chapter 03, Sense A

Given that Ky was constantly pestering Sol about his background in the past, it makes sense why Sol is suddenly a bit confused about Ky’s sudden change in behaviour. But it also shows that Sol wants Ky to know about his past. After ~170+ years of being alive, Sol wants to finally open up to someone again, and he specifically chose Ky for this. It shows in the very least Sol trusts Ky and knows him well enough to decide to let him know about who he used to be.

And then Ky says this, which is basically him just showing Sol how much he cares and understands him:

Ky: "Sol. Of course I have an interest in your past." Ky: "But wanting to understand someone and trying to understand everything is completely different." Ky: "Right now, Sol Badguy's future matters much more to me, than Frederick's past." — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, Story Mode: Chapter 03, Sense A

There’s also this scene in SIGN:

Ky: "I don't know your history." Ky: "I don't know if you had friends once, or if you fell in love, or why you burn with such hatred for That Man and the Gears..." Ky: "I don't even know your real name." Sol: "..." Ky: "But I do know a great deal about a man named Sol Badguy." Ky: "Blinded by vengeance, he lost sight of himself, and now he runs from the truth that frightens him." Sol: "...Say that again." Ky: "Tomorrow always comes, Sol." Sol: "..!" Ky: "If tomorrow promises to be cold and dark, I cannot stand idly by... even if I know my efforts will come to nothing." Sol: "... The self-righteous apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Ky: "I don't expect the world to change tomorrow, but I do hope that, today, perhaps my words will reach you." Ky: "Sol..." Ky: "I'll be waiting for you. We'll all be waiting for you. Sin, Dizzy..." Ky: "Once all this is over... come home." — Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN-, Story Mode: Chapter 04, Kaleidoscope B

Three things to take away from this:

Ky admits that he doesn’t know anything about Sol’s background, but that he knows a lot about the current Sol, and then goes on to explain how Sol acts. Which to expand on, means that although Ky used to care about Sol’s past, he doesn’t really mind about it anymore because Sol’s past won’t really change much who Sol is to Ky now. Also, the part where Ky explains how Sol was ‘blinded by vengeance,’etc. shows that Ky knows Sol’s current personality well enough in order to be able to distinguish his behaviours. Which is interesting because nobody has been around Sol long enough to be able to know him really well unlike Ky (Aria and Asuka count too, but they were around Sol when he was Frederick, and Sol seems pretty adamant on the idea that he’s a separate person from Frederick.)

‘Come home’ is pretty significant, as it implies that it’s almost like Ky is saying home is with Sin, Dizzy and the Valentines, and so when Sol is done getting revenge on That Man, instead of letting Sol just wander off alone, Ky wants Sol to be a family with them.

The fact that says Ky says ‘I’ll be waiting for you’ separate from ‘we’ll all be waiting for you’ implies that either Ky’s want to wait for Sol is somehow different from everyone else’s or it’s just for the sake of being dramatic. I interpreted this in both ways, as it seems like Ky knows that Sol treats him differently compared to others. So in a sense, by Ky emphasising that he’ll be waiting for Sol, it might make Sol more likely to ‘come home’.

There’s also a scene that shows Ky knows Sol’s personality well:

Ky: "When I look at you, Sol, I see a man who is afraid." Sol: "... What?" Ky: "It became clear when I watched you caring for Sin." Ky: "You work very hard to keep everyone at arm's length." Sol: "..." Sol: "I got Gear blood in my veins, and it ain't friendly. It's always there in the back of my head, whispering that I oughta just destroy all of this." Sol: "The only way I'm gonna get some closure is tracking down That Man and beating some answers out of him." Sol: "And if he doesn't have 'em..." Sol: "Then maybe there really isn't a good way to live." Ky: "That's why you close your heart off." — Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN-, Story Mode: Chapter 08, Hope A

There’s also this:

Ky: "Not all people have the strength to stand on their own." Sol: "..." Ky: "If only life were simple, and the right path was laid out before each of us..." Ky: "But even then some would leave it, and some would struggle with walking it. Such is human nature..." Ky: "The truth is that no path will ever be 'right' for all people. Each of us must find the one we are meant to walk--and sometimes that is where none exists." Ky: "That is what I learned from you." — Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN-, Story Mode: Chapter 08, Hope A

This just shows that Ky actually learnt something from Sol. Which I think is important because Ky is someone who always used to be very strict to his ideals. The fact that he learnt something from Sol that had an impact on his mindset means that Sol actually managed to have a great impact on Ky.

There’s this scene where Sol finds out that Aria isn’t dead when he confronts That Man, and he has somewhat of a mini mental breakdown. So Ky excuses them from the room, and goes outside to talk with Sol:

Ky: "Sol. The grudge you hold is certainly not something that can be taken lightly. And, whatever answer you think you've found, I doubt any of us will be able to stop you from seeing it through..." Ky: "But we have very little time left. Right now, we need the Gear Maker's help." Ky: "So, I'm begging you... Just for now. Why don't you stay outside with me." — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, Story Mode: Chapter 06, Cause A

The last line that Ky says is interesting because it’s obvious that he’s just trying to calm Sol down, and Ky thinks that if he stays with Sol outside for a bit, he’ll be able to help him calm down. Furthermore, Ky thought it was more necessary to pause everything and help Sol out rather than keep listening to the plans of what their next course of action would be.

Ky does have the habit of comforting Sol. One of the more significant moments is whenever Sol refers to himself as a monster:

Ky: "Yes, he took away some of what makes you human, but that doesn't mean he altered your mind or your soul." Sol: "So what?" Ky: "I want to believe that you'll fight for the people of this world." Sol: "Are we seriously having this conversation?" Sol: "Look, kid. I'm a monster. I'm here to do two things: Destroy That Man, and kill all the other Gears." — Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN-, Story Mode: Chapter 04, Kaleidoscope B

To expand a little on Sol’s mindset, it’s common knowledge that Gears were generally in the past regarded as akin to monsters. Now we don’t have any solid proof Sol is referring to himself as a monster because he’s a Gear, or because he feels guilt about the whole Gear Project, etc. But we do know it’s something he’s affected by given that he constantly refers to himself as one.

So the fact that Ky constantly reassures him that he’s not one, and that Ky didn’t treat him differently after finding out he was a Gear, must be comforting to know.

Then at the end of REV, there’s the scene where Daryl is about to shoot Sol, because he (quite rightly) doesn’t trust the fate of the world to be left to Sol. And so, the kids get beamed up, but Ky asks to be left behind:

Ky: "But, if you plan on targeting Sol, then you must leave me behind, as well." Daryl: "What!?" Zappa:"60 seconds until impact..!" Sol: "What the hell are you doing?! Stay with Sin!" Ky: "I am well aware that this is a one in a million chance..." Ky: "But, if I survive at the expense of my dear friend, then there is little reason left for my ruling this world as king." — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, Story Mode: Final Chapter, Fireworks

This was a really odd moment because Ky’s life was never in danger at that moment. If he had been sent on board Daryl’s ship as originally planned, he would have been safe. But Ky intentionally chose to risk his life, and its kind of startling because Ky has always put his people above everything. There were times when he put the people above his own family, like when he kept his family a secret instead of coming out with the truth about them in order to remain as King to protect his people.

So Ky suddenly going ‘I would rather die with Sol than take care of my people’ is really extreme. Also Ky was willing to leave his family behind, which is even more extreme. So this just really proves how highly Ky regards Sol considering how he would rather die with him than live without him.

Some concluding notes

I think Sol and Ky’s personalities do work really well. Perhaps not in the Crusade era, but if we take a look at the Xrd era, they have shown to get along and have deep conversations with one another that they both enjoy. They know each other extremely well; they know how to support one another when life gets a bit too much and they’re also capable of telling one another when the other is wrong.

Sol teaches Ky that life isn’t as simple as it seems, and that (figuratively speaking) he shouldn’t stick exactly to the textbook. He’s able to see under that perfect image Ky puts up about him being able to cope with everything, acting as a source of stability when you consider how Sol has been the only person who’s been around Ky since the very beginning.

Throughout all of Ky’s life, he’s been under so much pressure. From being Commander in the Crusades, to becoming the Head of the International Police Force, to becoming King. In every situation, people are constantly relying on him, and his environment is changing rapidly. But despite everything, Sol has always remained the same. He looks the same, acts the same, etc. Ky can rely on Sol and trust Sol. He’s like a source of stability for Ky in those hectic times.

And Ky provides something similar to Sol too, given how often he ran into Sol time and time again. When you’ve been alive for so long, it’d feel reassuring in the very least to see a familiar face. And Sol does seem to get less annoyed each time they meet each other again, considering like how in Overture he voluntarily went to go see Ky after seeing himself on a wanted poster.

Ky also gives Sol the chance to open up to people again and form connections with them, something that Sol has been reluctant to do. Sol needs someone to care about him, and Ky proves that by constantly reassuring him and never giving up on trying to help Sol, even though he kept getting pushed away.

They may not be canon but I really do love how they work together. Yes it’s true some people may like them because they are ‘rivals’and seeing rivals get together and bicker is great, but actually I think when people focus more on how much they support and rely on each other, as well as the fact that they do get along, them being in a relationship is more convincing.

Whilst this essay focused on their canon interactions, there’s plenty of other great material out there. For instance, the Guilty Gear 4KomaKINGS manga provides plenty of great SolKy interactions (like the time Ky wanted to have a friendship diary with Sol, only to get rejected and start crying about it. Of course, take these interactions with a pinch of skepticism considering the frivolity of the source material.)

And that, was my very long SolKy essay. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading! Though you may not have agreed with everything I have said, you still continued reading, and I am grateful for that. Thank you for showing such enthusiasm and loving this franchise.

#solky

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rovelae · 3 years

Text

Behind the Scenes of “Hologram”

Today marks exactly one year since I posted arguably my most popular fic. “Hologram” is a postgame Saiouma one-shot about escapism, loneliness, and running away from the past. I put a lot of myself into this fic and I’m blown away by all the love it’s received, not only on AO3 but in Discord servers and other social media. All that excitement made me keep thinking about it, so I thought I’d share a (very self-indulgent) behind-the-scenes of sorts about how I wrote it, as well as what I think of the story.

This essay will contain spoilers for the whole fic, so if you’d like to read it first, you can find it here. Of course, if the tags scare you off, that’s valid, but you might want to skip this post too since I’ll be quoting it throughout (so, just to be safe, expect the warnings I’ve posted on AO3 to apply here too).

If you’re a Lorde fan you’ll recognize the lyrics in the fic summary – “Nothing’s wrong when nothing’s true,” from “Buzzcut Season.” The inspiration for this fic came to me while I was on my way to an early shift at work, and I needed a good song in my head to give me the will to live for the next eight hours. Not sure why I chose that song in particular, but maybe part of it is because I like imagining stories to go along with the songs I listen to, like AMVs playing in my head, and I’d never been able to pin down exactly what this song reminded me of.

The mood of the music is really what compelled me – there’s something lonely about it, and the lyrics sound like the singer’s trying to convince herself that everything’s okay even when all evidence points otherwise. There are “explosions on TV”, and “The men up on the news / They try to tell us all that we will lose,” but “we live beside the pool / Where everything is good.” Despite everything going wrong, despite the notes of fear creeping into the pre-chorus, the character will “play along… in a hologram with you” and “never go home again.”

From there, it was an easy jump to “postgame Saiou” and that was that.

There’s a cloud of seagulls hovering in the air around him, and a dozen or so more standing just out of reach, staring him down with beady black eyes. Kokichi takes a slice of bread from the loaf he’s holding and tosses it to one of the birds, watches it catch it and stumble under the weight, watches its head bob as it tries to swallow the whole thing at once. It gets remarkably far before four other birds descend on it, shrieking wildly.

“Mine, mine, mine,” he mumbles into his folded arms, wondering if Shuichi would get the reference.

He really wishes Shuichi was here.

Kokichi upends the rest of the loaf of bread onto the sidewalk and laughs at the resulting chaos until his chest aches.

To start off, I wanted to create the same lonely mood from “Buzzcut Season” in Kokichi’s simulation. He’s not exactly trapped there, but he’s refusing to leave, because as long as he’s on the fake Jabberwock Island, he can pretend the killing game never happened. The trade-off to that escapism is that the only people he can talk to are the NPCs, who aren’t complex enough to be remotely interesting to him, and Usami, who… well, tries her best, but is more of an informational / moderation program and can’t offer him what a therapist could.

The only thing Kokichi has to look forward to is Shuichi, who he’s convinced is an extremely lifelike computer program rather than the real thing, because the real Shuichi would definitely hate him for everything that happened during the killing game. He’s so locked into this line of logic that he doesn’t let himself consider that Shuichi has forgiven him – he doesn’t even have a good answer for why the Future Foundation wouldn’t just keep the supposed Shuichi AI on indefinitely, believing it’s their way of baiting him into leaving the simulation.

It’s not a healthy or sustainable lifestyle in the slightest, but Kokichi stubbornly refuses to do anything but wander the islands aimlessly, passing the time with ice cream and feeding seagulls until the next time he can see Shuichi.

He dreams that DICE is here in the simulation with him, smiling and carefree as they explore the weird music venue. One of them has gotten the karaoke machine working, and another found a box of kazoos and maracas in the back room. Kokichi already pities anyone unfortunate enough to walk by the building tonight.

“Not going to sing, Joker?” one of his DICE asks (over the sound of their youngest member shrieking through seven kazoos at once), sitting on the bench next to him.

“Some games are more fun to watch than play,” he answers, leaning back on his hands and sighing.

“Like a killing game.”

The warm dream-atmosphere turns cold then, and Kokichi’s head snaps over to look at him—but his brother is gone and Kaito’s looking back at him instead, blood in his teeth and face ashen pale.

“You... we don’t have to do this, man,” Kaito says, but it’s a lie and they both know it, and he doesn’t want to look behind him because he knows the machine’s looming over him with its unyielding steel and slow slow slow descent—

“You’re not real,” he snaps at dream-Kaito, who doesn’t respond except to lift him up again. “Nothing’s real, none of—PUT ME DOWN! LET GO OF ME! DON’T PUT ME BACK IN THERE!”

“Death is more mercy than you deserve,” Kaito says, and Kokichi claws and bites and kicks his way out of Kaito’s grasp like a wild animal, only to end up in front of a prison cell full of—

DICE, his beloved DICE, trapped and hurt and afraid, bloodied and beaten and helpless.

“Why didn’t you save us, boss?” says his second-in-command, clutching the bars with bleeding hands. “Why didn’t you do more? Now we’re all dead and it’s because of you.”

Moments like this are my reference to Buzzcut Season’s pre-chorus, where the not-okay starts to creep into the illusion. Despite Kokichi’s valiant efforts to forget, he’s still dealing with the aftermath of seeing his family hurt and in danger, watching his friends die, orchestrating the deaths of two of them, being killed himself— and then being told every bit of it was made up to entertain an audience who sees nothing wrong with that picture. Running away is not the way to heal from trauma, and one day soon it’s all bound to come crashing down around him.

“Do you know what this … island paradise represents, Kokichi?” [Hinata] asks, and Kokichi’s really not in the mood for a lecture but he continues anyway. “Jabberwock Island … was the setting for the fiftieth season of Danganronpa. The golden anniversary, they called it. It was my season.”

Kokichi hunches over, hugging his arms over his torso and stifiling a scream. He does not want to think about this right now—

“They wanted it to be the best season of all, which, unfortunately for us, meant it was also the bloodiest,” Hinata says. “Twice as many participants, deadly traps hidden across each of the islands— they even changed the way the motives worked, like when they told Fuyuhiko to cut out his own eye so Peko could have a quick death instead of suffering for days.”

“Do I look like your therapist, porcupine-head?” Kokichi hisses. A sharp pain is pounding into his skull, and there’s a bitter, metallic taste at the back of his throat. A taste like poison and blood.

“There was so much going on that the simulation malfunctioned,” Hinata says. “When people died, their Ultimate talents downloaded themselves into me. I’m told that the stress of so many personality grafts came close to liquefying my frontal lobe. I’m lucky I woke up at all… especially considering more than half of the others didn’t.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Kokichi grates out through the static building in his head. If he opens his eyes, will he see the beach or the dull chrome of the machine closing in on him?

“Because I know how much you want to forget about what happened,” Hinata says. “Believe me, I get it.”

….

“These things that happened to us… we can’t erase them, no matter how much we want to. Some things have to be remembered.”

I’d mostly like to leave Hajime’s season up to interpretation, but there are a couple things I wanted to say about it. I imagine Danganronpa is like the Hunger Games in that it’d go all out for big anniversaries. So, there were twice as many participants for the Jabberwock Island beatdown that was probably subtitled “Bloodbath Bay” or something equally appealing. The game’s formula changed from a focus on the mystery and the trials to “look at all these kids massacring each other a la Lord of the Flies,” and since the VR system wasn’t equipped to handle that many people and their deaths, it malfunctioned, giving Hajime way too many Ultimate talents and putting half the cast into comas from which they never woke up.

Viewers either absolutely loved or absolutely hated this season, depending on whether they were DR fans because of the “blood n’ guts” factor or the “mystery and psychological thriller” aspect. Team Danganronpa faced quite a bit of backlash for actually causing the real-life deaths of half its participants, but were able to weasel their way out of serious legal repercussions because of the waivers the participants had signed beforehand (plus a lot of bribery and falling back on their longstanding popularity). So, the cast of Season 50 failed to end the killing game, but helped provide great evidence for the “Danganronpa is morally wrong” argument.

Hajime works as a victim liaison for the Future Foundation and has been trying to take down Danganronpa since he got out of it. He’s like that in a few of my fics, actually; I like the idea of Hajime acting as a big brother of sorts to the V3 cast. It’s especially entertaining to imagine his interactions with Kokichi— though maybe not so much in Hologram, since to Kokichi he’s a representation of the past he’s trying so desperately to forget and the future he refuses to acknowledge.

“SHUT UP!” He launches himself at Hinata, his hands wrapping around the other man’s throat as he uses his momentum to slam him to the ground. “SHUT! UP!”

“Ko— ghk—” Hinata coughs, eyes wide with surprise, but aside from moving his hands up to grip Kokichi’s wrists, he doesn’t seem all that worried about fighting back.

The thought only fuels Kokichi’s rage until he’s choking Hinata so hard his knuckles are white. “If you want me out of this simulation so badly, you can kill me,” he snarls. “I’m never waking up! I’m never leaving, do you UNDERSTAND ME?”

Hinata grimaces, the outline of his avatar flickering, but he still doesn’t struggle, and Kokichi hates him all the more for it, despises him with a seething malice that festers low in his stomach. He wonders distantly if he’d actually kill this man in real life. Or if he’d be able to stop himself, feeling like this.

Kokichi’s breakdown here is more out of fear than anger. Like I mentioned, Kokichi sees Hajime as another piece of what’s hurt him, and no matter how Hajime tries to help, Kokichi will always remember Danganronpa whenever he sees him.

Warm yellow-orange light casts a relaxed, cozy glow over the dining hall. It’s an ambience compounded by the flickering candles on the table, which seems overly idyllic, but Kokichi will let it slide because of the adorable way Shuichi flushed when he noticed them as they sat down. Well, if he’s being honest, everything about Shuichi right now is adorable, from the way his hair keeps falling into his eyes to the way he’s nervously fiddling wth his chopsticks. Kokichi wishes he could keep staring at him forever.

Ah, not… not in a weird way, though, just… because Shuichi’s beautiful, and when Kokichi looks at him he can forget everything bad that’s ever happened, can create some new and brighter world to exist in.

This is an idea I wish I’d had room to explore a bit more in the story— that is, just how far Kokichi will go to pretend everything’s fine. I thought about making him border on delusional, like having him talk to people who aren’t there or forget what’s actually happening around him because he’s so lost in his fiction-within-a-fiction. It would have creeped Shuichi out a whole lot.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t much room for that past the plot I’d already nailed down, so I focused on his loneliness and escapism instead. I do touch on it later in this scene, though— the couple paragraphs where he slips into fantasizing about being a phantom thief having a surreptitious meeting with his detective under the not-so-subtle supervision of his DICE. There would have been a lot more of that if I’d gone with the ‘delusion’ stylistic choice, to the point where even the readers would be confused about what’s real. Maybe I’ll look into writing something similar in a future story.

Eventually, Shuichi sets down his bowl and looks away with a little sigh, and Kokichi clenches his teeth because that’s the sigh he does when it’s time for that conversation.

“Um… Kokichi?”

Kokichi’s only response is to exhale the breath he’d been holding in a quiet hiss.

“I-I know you don’t want to, but… but I really need to talk to you about something,” Shuichi says. “Please?”

“My Mr. Detective can talk about whatever he’d like!” Kokichi says with a lilt to his tone that makes it sound more sarcastic than he wants it to. He takes the last bite of curry and wishes that it burns hot enough to hurt.

“It’s about Kaito.”

This more serious part of the date scene is meant to reflect the little bridge in “Buzzcut Season”:

“Cola with the burnt-out taste

I’m the one you tell your fears to

There’ll never be enough of us.”

It’s a part of the song that sounds especially bittersweet to me, a bit of self-awareness between the insistence that everything’s okay.

Really all I think I managed was to reference it when Kokichi’s internal dialogue comments on his drink being “so sweet it tastes burnt” and then later not tasting like anything. But hopefully the mood’s still there.

“Tell him… that I have nothing against him,” he says.

“That’s … not a lie?” Shuichi presses.

Kokichi shakes his head idly, still not raising his gaze. “I wanted to wreck the killing game and he wanted to save his friend. We both got what we wanted. I’d say the end more than justifies the means.”

Was that a lie?

(I don’t want to die Shuichi I’m sorry I’m sorry save me Shuichi please I’m sorry ithurtsmakeitstop—)

His fingers tighten into clawlike shapes, nails digging sharply into his forearms.

I really don’t think Kokichi would have anything against Kaito, even if here he’s not being completely honest with how much he’s affected by what happened. It wouldn’t make sense to him to hate Kaito for something he himself proposed, but I think there’d still be a subconscious barrier between them. Too much history.

“Don’t go, Shuichi, I’m so sorry, I— that was so dumb, what I said, please don’t be sad anymore.” He’s not sure if he can’t breathe because of the exertion of running or because of the hysteria boiling over in his head. “Please don’t go, I didn’t mean to hurt you— please don’t leave, Shuichi, I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, Kokichi….” Shuichi’s tone is strange, soft and pitying, like he sees something Kokichi doesn’t, and he shakes his head slowly as more tears follow the paths of the others.

Kokichi goes to his knees, ready to grovel if that’s what it takes, but Shuichi follows him down, closing his other hand over Kokichi’s, and then they’re both crying and he doesn’t know why, and all he can do is repeat a mantra of I’m sorry and hold on as tight as he can.

It’s horrible. Shuichi’s horrible. Shuichi’s wonderful, and kind and lovely and perfect and Kokichi hates him, Kokichi adores him, and it doesn’t matter because Shuichi’s not actually here but Kokichi doesn’t want to be alone, just let me pretend some more, please, please let me have this—

“I’ll… I’ll stay,” Shuichi says at last. “I can stay a while longer.”

You shouldn’t, Kokichi wants to say, but his mouth won’t obey him. You shouldn’t stay if you don’t want to. I don’t deserve having you here. I’m not worth your mercy.

But there on the bridge, crying tears of relief, he soaks up as much mercy as he can get and hopes it’s enough to drown him.

I wanted to create a contrast between them that highlights just how the isolation and trauma Kokichi’s experiencing has affected him. He has an almost unhealthy reliance on Shuichi as “the only thing that makes this world bearable,” and panics when faced with the prospect of being alone again so soon. Part of why Shuichi’s crying is because he’s realized the extent of Kokichi’s desperation. It’s not that he thinks Kokichi’s apology is insincere, but that he’s hardly heard him apologize for anything before, so Kokichi going this far has him realizing how bad things really are.

The door rumbles and slides open when they approach, revealing the bright light of the log-out point that took Shuichi away every time, that would wake Kokichi up in his real body if he walked into it. Shuichi stops just a step away from it, biting his lip as if searching for something to say, but before he can find it, Kokichi reaches out to tug at his sleeve.

“Shuichi?” he says, distant as the waves on the beach that he can still hear if he listens closely enough. Shuichi turns back toward him. “Before you go, can I be selfish one more time?”

“Huh…?”

Shuichi doesn’t move when Kokichi steps closer, reaches up to ghost his fingertips over Shuichi’s jaw and around the back of his neck. He lets Kokichi tilt his head downward, lets him hover inches away, close enough to feel their breath mingle in the night air. Kokichi pauses there to give him the chance to pull away. He doesn’t.

So Kokichi closes his eyes and the distance between them.

That last line is a ZEUGMA! It’s a literary device where one word refers to two more in a different way. A popular example is the hyenas’ line “Our teeth and ambitions are bared” from The Lion King. It’s my favorite grammatical trick and I’d love to see more of it in fanfic.

Slowly, he slides his hand down to Shuichi’s shoulder, using it as leverage to push himself away. That hurts even more. He can’t seem to open his eyes, and he feels so weakened, breathless, fragile. Cracked open, hollowed out.

When he finally does open his eyes, Shuichi’s are wide with some mix of astonishment and a dozen other emotions. Kokichi bows his head, taking a deep breath to ground himself. “Sorry,” he whispers. “I just wanted to know.”

“Kokichi,” Shuichi breathes, like a bullet through his heart.

“Goodbye, Shuichi,” Kokichi says, and shoves him into the light.

Shuichi’s little yelp of surprise cuts off abruptly as he falls through the door, vanishing into the glow, and all too soon, Kokichi’s alone again in a dream that suddenly seems far too vast. Alone, with the faintest taste of Shuichi’s lips still lingering on his own.

And he thinks, It was enough just to know you.

It’s a lie.

Nothing to say here except that this is my favorite scene and I’m so happy with how it turned out.

Fake sun rises over fake ocean, fake seagulls glide through fake sky while fake wind tousles fake palm fronds. Kokichi lies on his stomach in the fake grass and talks to his fake family in the fake notebook. Gives them fake names and runs through everything he remembers about them. Apologizes, over and over, wishes he could hug each of them goodbye one last time. Wonders if it would be more painful to die or to never have existed at all.

He leaves the notebook of his memories on the seat of one of the Ferris wheel cars on the fourth island, because one time he promised them they’d steal the London Eye together.

He buys a can of fake soda from the fake convenience store on the first island and sits on the fake beach watching the fake waves. Wonders when he’d hit the end of the simulation if he started swimming, or if he’d drown first.

White sand, blue sea, bluer sky. Washed out, like an amateur watercolor painting.

He opens the soda can and raises it to his mouth, but … even the thought of drinking it makes him sick to his stomach. He sets it down in the sand and flicks it over, watching the bubbly liquid run down and sink into the sand. The color’s all wrong, like blood streaked against a metal floor.

He walks the fake streets of the fifth island, passing fake skyscrapers and fake commuters and their fake conversations, until he finally stops outside the factory he’s never been able to bring himself to go into. Smells like oil, and metal and machines and he can hear the sounds and he’s immediately back in the hangar, dizzy on adrenaline and desperation and leaning heavily on Kaito so he doesn’t keel over and die then and there. Kaito says something about how maybe he should sit down for a minute, and Kokichi didn’t agree back then but he does now, goes down on all fours and dry heaves.

When his vision solidifies and he can stop gasping for breath, he sits up and presses his back against the factory wall, covering his ears and hiding his face in his knees. Tries to convince himself not to imagine Shuichi’s there with him, holding his hand again, promising everything’s going to be okay.

“I’ve got you. No one’s going to hurt you anymore,” or maybe, “Breathe with me, it’ll be over soon. You’re safe now.”

I love you.

He laughs until there’s nothing left in his lungs. He called these little daydreams obsession, before, but now they just seem sick and insane.

I wanted to indicate throughout this scene that Kokichi’s gotten substantially worse. Instead of halfheartedly interacting with the NPCs or finding something to spend time doing, he’s aimlessly wandering the islands, focused on how fake all of it is. Not even talking to his sketches of DICE can make him feel better. The suicidal ideation starts to slip in even if he doesn’t realize it— a fixation on wondering what death is like, purposefully triggering himself by walking by the factory….

The thing I want to talk about most though is the italicized I love you. I left it outside of quotation marks and dialogue tags on purpose because I wanted it to be ambiguous as to who’s saying it. If it’s Kokichi’s line, it’s sudden and almost out of place, like he couldn’t hold back from thinking it anymore. But it could be Shuichi saying it, too. Since it’s outside quotation marks, unlike the previous dream-Shuichi lines, it’s more vague, almost a whisper in Kokichi’s thoughts— like he can barely bring himself to imagine it and even feels guilty doing so, because there’s no way it could possibly be real.

Which do you think?

Eh, I don’t have an answer. When I hear it in my head, they say it at the same time.

“How did you know?” he finally croaks.

Shuichi’s breathing still sounds shaky, too. “Because you said ‘goodbye,’” he says.

Kokichi finally looks up at him in a silent question.

“You never say goodbye,” Shuichi says, rubbing his sleeve over his eyes. “It’s always….”

“‘See you later,’” Kokichi finishes for him. Despite himself, a tiny huff of astonished laughter escapes him. “I didn’t even know, not until a couple of hours ago. And you figured it all out from one word?”

Shuichi bites his lip at that. “You kissed me,” he says.

Kokichi’s stomach twists and he looks away. “I said I was sorry—”

“No.” Shuichi squeezes his hand into a fist and lets it fall to thump against Kokichi’s chest, like he’s trying to knock some sense into him. “It was so honest, and vulnerable, and… and I know how much you hate showing how you really feel.” Another tiny sob catches in his throat. “And so it felt like … like something you’d do if you weren’t going to s-see me again.”

“Shuichi….” Kokichi trails off as Shuichi muffles his cries in his hand again. He’s so breathtakingly smart. There’s no one else in the world who thinks that way, no one else who could possibly be that attentive and that clever. Not a programmer, not a team of shrinks… how can an AI manage it? How is it that Shuichi always manages to take him by surprise? How can he see straight through him when he least expects it?

Kokichi’s hand reaches up to Shuichi’s cheek. Reverently traces the path of the tears falling down it.

“I wish you were real,” he confesses in a whisper.

Kokichi’s stubborn. So, so stubborn. And he’s not used to being cared about, if the way he does everything by himself is any indication. So it makes sense to me that he’ll refuse to believe anything good can happen to him even in the face of convincing evidence. He’s pretty self-hating for someone so arrogant.

Kokichi’s weak, deep down to his core, weak for this man. Already knows he’d do anything for him, and the thought is terrifying—that one person could have that much power over him, even if he doesn’t realize it.

But what if he has realized it? Couldn’t this all be an elaborate ruse, a lie he knew Kokichi would be so desperate to believe that he wouldn’t bother questioning it?

…Shuichi’s never hurt him, though. Only that one time, when he really deserved it. Shuichi wouldn’t … betray him, even for what he thinks is Kokichi’s own good. They’re… different from each other, that way.

But still….

“I’m so scared, Shuichi.” It’s barely a whisper. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

“You won’t be.” It’s so hard to be skeptical, lost in his eyes. “I’ll be right there with you, for as long as you want. I won’t let you feel like this anymore.”

Promise me, he wants to blurt out. Promise you’ll stay. Promise me you’ll never leave me, Shuichi, he wants to demand, but that’s wrong, that’s manipulative and selfish and everything he doesn’t want to be for Shuichi anymore.

Shuichi, of course, says it anyway.

“I promise, Kokichi.”

…

“Kiss me again,” he says. “Please?”

Shuichi leans in close, then pauses, his brow furrowing the way it does when he catches him in a lie.

“I’ll kiss you again in the real world,” Shuichi says. “Okay?”

Kokichi shakes his head. “Shuichi, please.” Please, I don’t think I can do this. Please, I don’t want to wake up to a lie. Please, one last kiss for me to remember in case it was all fake.

Shuichi reaches out to tilt his chin up and Kokichi closes his eyes, savoring every second, burning it into his memory.

Shuichi’s soft breath ghosts over his lips.

“Trust me,” he murmurs.

Kokichi’s eyes flutter back open, searching his face. Shifting him around on the white board in his head, seeing what categories he fits into this time. Weird, of course. Suspicious, maybe not. Trustworthy?

Trustworthy….

“I do trust you,” he realizes.

Kokichi’s still hesitant to accept all of this— Shuichi kissing him didn’t magically fix everything. He’ll still doubt all the way to the log-out point, but at least now he realizes that this simulation is only hurting him— that if things are to get better they’re going to have to change, too. He’s got a long way to go before he’s all right, but he’s not going to have to face it alone anymore.

And that’s a wrap!

Once again, I’m really proud of this story, and I feel like I grew as a writer because of it. There are a few things I would change if I wrote it again, but for all its flaws it’s still my baby and I like how it turned out.

Thanks again for all your support for “Hologram,” and thanks even more if you actually waded through all this nonsense of a director’s cut. It’s a huge confidence-boost to think that people liked what I wrote, and even wanted to hear what I had to say about it. If there’s any interest, I’d love to review some of my other fics here, or theorize or brainstorm or whatever else you’re into. (Ask me what Byakuya’s Thing is in my superhero AU, I dare you 😉)

I do have a WIP in my folder of bits and pieces currently titled “boy finally gets that kiss”, and it’s a post-Hologram scene from Shuichi’s point of view to just sorta… tie it all together, have them talk things over again… and kiss, of course. We’ll see if anything comes out of that.

Until next time!

#Rov talks #Hologram #Saiouma #Oumasai #Behind the scenes #Director's cut #Fanfic review

36 notes · View notes

class1akids · 3 years

Note

hi, just wanted to say I appreciate your addition to that post about "problematic" fancontent. you shouldn't have had to share personal, traumatic experiences to prove a (very valid) point but the ideas you posted there rlly are things that present fandom culture should learn about.

Thank you for fully reading and understanding what I was trying to say.

Thanks also to all the people who came to reassure me that a celebrity crush is not problematic. While I appreciate the support, this wasn’t really my point - I know that there is absolutely nothing problematic with it.

What bothered me were that people insinuating / questioning whether I shipped Hawks x Shouto (1) felt entitled to ask me with an accusatory tone (2) suggested that if I were shipping it, I became suddenly a disgusting, problematic fan.

And even though I don’t ship it, it really annoyed me for two reasons: (1) since I never actively promoted the ship, I feel like nobody should be questioned like that about what they may or may not like in their private thoughts; (2) it really bothers me that people are trying to assimilate young adult / late teen relationships (which may or may not be sexual) with sexual abuse of young children or call people who think about it pedophiles.

I’m not denying that teen-adult relationships can be very problematic, nor am I denying that adults always have a responsibility towards minors. But I can’t help feeling that some distinctions should be made.

Teens in many countries can work, drink, drive cars, create social media accounts, have unsupervised access to the internet, have their own phones, go out with their friends with no parents present - and all these activities carry risks they need to learn to mitigate (because there will always be predators). It is true that the US classifies all sexual behavior with someone under-18 as CSA, but internationally the age of consent is lower. In many countries (including most European countries), 16 being the line rather and having close-age gap exemptions. So “underage” is not an absolute concept, it has a cultural framing (I grew up with 16 being the age of consent with an adult and 14 with another minor, so for me that’s normal).

And yes, whether fans write about it or not, often teens do engage in sexual behavior, with peers or sometimes somewhat older people. “Problematic” fan-fiction didn’t create this - biology did. I had close friends who had affairs with college-age boys when they were in their teens, and were actively pursuing those relationships feeling like same-age boys were too immature. Their experience in a relationship like that is vastly different from my experience of being assaulted as a 9-year old. Young children (under 14, but especially under 12) do not have this kind of autonomy and freedom, nor the tools to protect themselves.

Fandom police tries to create a false equivalence between these experiences, and on top of it, tries to pin the trauma of the 9-year old child on people who write about sex between let’s say a 17-year and 20-year old on a fan site tagged for Explicit content and Underage so people who don’t want to read it can really easily avoid it. They are not the same.

And sure, internet strangers can be dangerous (though I’d expect the real predators to be more low-profile than artists promoting their works), and we need to teach safety to kids to spot them and avoid them, but abusers are more likely to be people we know. More than 8 out of 10 children who are sexually abused know their abuser. They are family members or friends often very young themselves, neighbours or babysitters, coaches or teachers or priests - many hold responsible positions in society, which is why it is so difficult for the kids to stand up for themselves in such a situation.

Also, just in general, you can’t protect CSA-victims by harassing fanfic writers and artists creating “problematic content”. How do you even decide what is “problematic”?

What if the author was one of the people who had sex as 16-year old with someone who was 19? If they wrote a memoir of their own experience, would it count as “child pornography”? Obviously not. What if they didn’t feel like using their own name and decided to project that experience on two fictional characters, so they could stay anonymous? Does the content become problematic suddenly? What if it’s a fix-it for their real life experience? Or a friend’s experience? Who is getting harmed here?

I mean I don’t even pretend to know the answer to these questions, but I feel like we should be able to talk about them without jumping to conclusions.

Harassing those writers and artists, trying to shut down people’s imagination doesn’t solve the problem of child sexual abuse. It just contributes to another very widespread problem instead: cyberbullying.

And I’m sure many people who send call-out asks to suspected “problem fans” or participate in calling them out or cancelling them believe that they are doing something good to protect children from sexual abuse.

But as a CSA-survivor, I can tell you, harassing fandom creators, sending them anon death threats, telling them to kill themselves over their shipping preferences will not help child or teenage victims. But it may hurt a real person in a very real way.

I have a couple of suggestions that are more helpful than fandom policing and discourse to the people who really feel passionate about solving these problems:

- Spread science and facts about the interaction of fiction and reality, rather than falsehoods. Here is an excellent essay citing good research. Here is another fascinating post. The point is, rather than try to police fiction, it’s more effective to actually learn to distinguish fiction from reality, to be able to access fiction critically and to teach kids media literacy

- Reblog good content about teaching young children not only of “stranger danger” but of consent and body autonomy and asserting boundaries towards people they know and when interacting with kids, model these behaviours (things I wish my parents taught me)

- lobby for schools to have proper child protection policy and age-appropriate, real-science based sex education and good information about safe sex to people who don’t get this information from their families or schools

- spread information about age-appropriate internet safety both for kids and teenagers, including how to spot grooming intent from adults, how to engage in online discussions safely

- spread and reblog information about basic self-defence and minimizing risks when out and about.

- spread information about government services, hotlines and charities that help victims of CSA or if you feel ambitious volunteer and raise funds.

I think these are more helpful and respectful to CSA-victims than the raging discourse happening in their name. I don’t think you can ever solve any problem by violent scapegoating and shutting down the conversation.

#c1a asks #long post #I’m rambling about this #because it is hard to express how I fully feel #also some helpful suggestions on how to help prevent csa

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kkrazy256 · 3 years

Text

Fic writer interview

Thanks for the tag Maddie! <3

How many works do you have on AO3?

44!

What’s your total AO3 word count?

284,656 (at least 400K including ffnet I think)

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Oh boy. I’m including stuff from middle school to now so lots of old cringe fandoms that I will never revisit out of sheer horror please don’t judge akhfkajsh: Code Geass, Detective Conan/Magic Kaito, Durarara, Gravity Falls, Hetalia, Legends of Tomorrow/Constantine, The Mandalorian, Mystic Messenger, Naruto, Soul Eater, The Clone Wars, Total Drama, Transformers, Yuri on Ice. Sheesh...

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Breath of Moonlight (Naruto)

Debt (Mando)

Ascent (Mando)

Meaning (Mando)

Hopeful Mistletoes (DCMK)

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Not typically unless it’s a question that needs clarification or a request for permission to translate. Or if they write me an entire essay and I *must* respond with crying rambles of my own. Mostly because I have so little spoons. I feel pressured that if I respond to one, I’ll have to respond to all and then if I can’t deliver, I’m a horrible person. I just want everyone to know I reread comments constantly and hold each and every one of them close with heart eyes and they keep me motivated to write more.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I guess the new one with Thorn and Fox is pretty brutal, especially because I baited people into thinking it was a fix-it :^) There’s one I have in the making that is even worse than this one :)))

But a lot of my older fics are very angst in nature so it’s hard to pick out the one that hurt the most. And that’s mostly because a lot of them got put on hiatus on the really hurty chapters.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I have written crossovers! But a lot of them are like technically in the same universe (ex. DC and MK, or LOT and Batman). The dumbest one was in middle school when I thought a DCMK/Hetalia one would be funny. It was very stupid cringe.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I don’t think I have? The most I’ve gotten would probably be passive aggressive ones. I’ll never forget the time I finished a chapter, posted it, and got a comment within the hour that said: ‘oh good you updated, maybe the next one will be up when I’m still alive, please.’ My petty ass never updated that fic again LMAO

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I’ve written it twice when I was in middle school-high school and didn’t know what I was doing and just using all the tropes I saw in other fanfics. It was not pretty. And the experience was bad enough to kind of sour it for me and I don’t really write it now. Maybe one day. The most you get out of me nowadays is tension, handholding and maybe a smooch.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of? Hopefully not.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I’ve had a lot of people ask for permission to translate my fics! So I think there are a few links floating around for my fics in other languages on foreign sites. Most are for my DCMK fics (lots of overseas fans), but one of my LOT ones was also translated into Russian.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I don’t know if this counts. But back when I was into the Spiderverse, I was in a discord where we basically chat-wrote an entire fic. We copy-pasted it for publishing on ao3.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

I do enjoy writing platonic more. But I guess HakuKai, Vox, and BobaDin.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I don’t want to put definitive ‘I’m never finishing this’ labels on fics because hey you never know. But a lot of my old fics from old fandoms will probably never get revisited unless I do a complete rewrite. That is due to vastly improved writing skills, and actual fic planning skills nowadays instead of just rushing in blind.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and the general plot ideas. Also, I’ve gotten fairly decent at action scenes solely from writing Fox kicking ass and getting his ass kicked lately ahsjkfah

What are your writing weaknesses?

Finishing fics. Description and emotions. The words I use are fairly simple, no flowery prose here haha.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I don’t think it’s wise to put whole sentences/chunks of dialogue in a different language because it ruins the immersion to have to scroll down to see what the hell is being said (the hover function isn’t always readily available). But a few pieces of vocabulary here and there is fine, especially if it’s words that are widely known and understood in the fandom.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Naruto, when I was 10 :V

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Nooo, help I can’t choose. My most recent favorite is my Fox helps Boba out of jail. The one I look at fondly is Ascent, the most fun I have writing is, Party at a Sith Dude’s House.

tagging but no pressure <3 : @chiafett @neverfeedthesarlacc @bisect-u-maul @meerlichts @billielurked

#terra talk #tag game #long post

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saintqueer · 3 years

Text

On Being 13

by saintqueer

Date Written: July 2019

CW: brief mention of an eating disorder

I will be posting a series of old creative nonfiction essays I wrote in 2019-20 every Friday and tagging them #a saintqueer original. Some might be a little outdated but I'm getting my feet wet in the experience of sharing my own writing again. Hope you enjoy! My inbox is always open.

Your name is Jordan. It is 2006 and you just turned 13. You are officially a teenager. Not a preteen. Nor god-forbid a tween. You’re in eighth grade at middle school in the Bay Area suburbs and you just got your first cell phone. It’s a silver LG flip phone without a camera. Modern social media has been born but is not yet widespread. Myspace and AIM are still the name of the game. And your friend’s Top 8s are literally worth crying over. You buy songs you like on iTunes for 99 cents. Songs like Far Away by Nickelback and Jesus, Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood. That is, until you wizen up and start using LimeWire in 2007. By that time, you’ll think your tastes much improved. You’ll illegally download songs like Buy U a Drank by T-Pain, Wait For You by Elliott Yamin, and everything Chris Brown puts out. Every single feeling you have is so large it’s like it has the potential to kill you. Weird shit is happening to your body. You started puberty early but it shows absolutely no sign of stopping. Things just seem to be getting weirder and more emotional. You cut your own side bangs and they look hella cool.

Ok, let’s pause there. I’m gonna go ahead and break the fourth wall here. Reader, I was planning on doing this entire piece as a kind of immersive second person experience. But. I. Just. Can’t. It’s too hard and writing about being 13 is difficult enough. I think that intro was enough to get you in the right head space of Jordan circa 2006-2007.

Over the last year, there has been more truthful explorations of the adolescent experience in media than ever before. With shows like Pen15 and Big Mouth and films like Eighth Grade, I feel like for the first time I’m starting to come to terms with my own adolescence. Being 13 is really fucking hard. And 13-year-olds get such a bad rap when, honestly, they’re just trying to do the best they can with all the shit they’ve been thrown.

I first felt compelled to write this piece when reading a section of a book from my favorite podcaster, Karen Kilgariff. Karen describes a lecture series she went to in which one of the presenters made a case in defense of 13 year olds. Karen writes that being 13 “is the hardest age you ever have to be because of all the chemicals and hormones constantly raging through your body. It’s like you’re being drugged and then woken up with speed on a daily basis. All social structure implodes and resets itself in a totally unfamiliar way. You’re simultaneously the oldest version of a child and the youngest version of an adult, so you don’t belong anywhere. You don’t get babied, and you don’t get respect.” Basically, it fucking sucks!!!

At 13, my eating disorder was already in full swing and my body-dysmorphia-riddled brain had no shortage of reasons for why my life would be so much better if I weighed 25 pounds less. They would weigh us in gym class, one by one, and assign us our BMI classification (mine was “overweight”). I was constantly dieting, with resounding approval from family and peers; starving my growing body of whole food groups and then binging. My school used to sell these pizza hot pocket things in plastic wrapping called pizza sticks (they were so DELICIOUS). One time, I found an unopened and still-warm pizza stick on the floor next to a garbage can. Wildly hungry from my meager carb-less lunch I picked it up off the floor and shoved it into my mouth, facing the wall, in as few bites as possible so no one would see. OFF THE FLOOR…OUTSIDE. I think it was on a pile of leaves and other trash (though unopened, it was slightly flattened on one side so it might have been stepped on?). This is actually the first time I’ve told anyone that I did that. Blogging is fun.

I was truly beginning to understand that my body was a commodity in society. I couldn’t take up space as a girl and to be beautiful was to be frail. My body was a sexual thing but I was not allowed to be a sexual being. Boys were the horny ones, not girls. But boy, was I! The thing was I couldn’t tell anyone, only the bathtub faucet could know. This was heightened all the more by my church and my faith. Youth group taught me the importance of dressing modestly and how we had to do everything within our power to help easily tempted boys remain sexually pure. I had so much shame that I had any kind of sexuality at all.

A majority of us wanted to fit in when we were 13. And I wanted it desperately. It’s not necessarily that I wanted to be cool, it’s more like I just wanted to belong. I wanted to have best friends. I wanted boys to have crushes on me. I wanted to be wanted. And it never happened for me. I didn’t develop deep lasting friendships until my late teens. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 21, for god’s sake. My friends at 13 were changeable and excluding. I felt like I was constantly vying for their approval and as I entered high school in 2007, my social life became the center of my world.

Admittedly, high school felt much more enjoyable than middle school. I had established my place in the cool crowd and shirked academics. I stopped listening to Christian Rock and started listening to Lil Wayne and learning how to twerk. I cut class with a friend to straighten my hair with my hot pink straightener in Starbucks. I got in trouble with the cops for underage drinking. I got better at actually starving myself for a few days at a time instead of just dieting. I was significantly better at swearing. However, every single thing still felt like the biggest deal ever and it felt like it would always be that way.

Now, over a dozen years later, I hardly ever think about how it felt to be 13. I always forget that I “fell in love” with a boy named Alex at church summer camp who I saw from afar five times and talked to once for two minutes. It’s hard to believe now that I wrote his name in sharpie on my converse sneakers and sang I Drive Myself Crazy by *Nsync while crying and staring directly back at myself in the mirror.

This might seem unforgiving but I feel like the one redeemable thing about being 13 is that it doesn’t last forever. It ends. You grow and you change and you work through your trauma. If you’re lucky, you get better friends and you go to therapy and do some healing over ten years later by watching tv shows and movies that remind you of every painful feeling. Then you look back and laugh. You laugh at that school dance where Peter said he’d never, ever slow dance with you. You laugh at the school dance less than a year later where you grind provocatively on a dude you don’t know to Get Low by Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins. You laugh (hysterically, I might add) at eating that pizza stick off the floor. You laugh at smoking weed for the first time using a plastic water bottle your friend somehow turned into a shitty bong. You laugh at shoplifting your first thong from Ross. You laugh at your self-cut side bangs. You laugh and you laugh and you laugh and then you, finally, move on.

#a saintqueer original #creative nonfiction series #honestly this kind of made me cackle out loud reading for the first time in two years #especially that pizza hot pocket story hahahaha im losing it lol #i remember this was very fun to write two summers ago #i was dating a girl for the first time and just having a wild summer and it was so nice to look back and reflect on my adolescence #with humor rather than cringing #anyways hope y'all get a giggle out of this #eating disorders tw

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raisansgrapeon · 3 years

Text

Ghostbur Through the Lens of War

When analyzing a text (text being used as a general term), it’s important to establish what lens your analysis is going to be run under. It helps specify thoughts and arguments under set pretenses and brings focus to the discussion. Instead of looking at an article or a story through broad strokes, using a specific lens focuses on one stroke and allows for deeper analysis to be achieved.

It is safe to say that most of the Dream SMP is either seen under then lens of politics or mentality/interpersonal relationships. Viewing the story as a grand political battle and the consequences of the mighty leads us right down to the more specific lens of war. Yet, despite this common viewpoint under which we, as a community, digest the story of the Dream SMP, the character of Ghostbur is often left out of the equation in those terms, favoring to shed light on him for what he represents mentally. While his character is very much geared towards that line of thinking as an individual, his representation of innocents in the portrayal of war in the DSMP is nothing to scoff at.

The scale of the DSMP is far too small to truly represent the role of the common man within the cogs of war. With (at the time of writing) 31 characters within the story and a vast majority too disconnected from the story line to feel any real impact from the major players, we only ever really got to feel the way war impacted the warring factions and the leaders. The way war impacted countries as government system. The way war impacted the individual. We saw how war warped Wilbur and how war pitted father against son. We saw how war tore apart L’manburg because the leaders in charge never learned when to quit. We saw how abstaining from war left the Badlands relatively unharmed until a new external force came into play.

In all these instances, we see either the characters as individuals in positions of power, or the overarching bodies and governments that share the land, but we never see the people. The innocents trying to live life as best as they can under dire circumstances. Until, we look at Ghostbur under the lens of war as well.

Ghostbur is a prime vessel to carry the weight of the general population and how war impacts the people caught in the crossfire. He is the essence of the common people living their life only to have it viscerally uprooted and destroyed by war and by ignorant leaders gunning for their own gains. This can be seen in nearly every aspect of Ghostbur’s character.

Starting off with what inspired this essay and these thoughts in general is Ghostbur’s conversation with Philza on the 6th of January. Within this conversation is where the most blatant characterization and solidification of Ghostbur as a representative of the people comes into play. The line, “I read the history books,” and Ghostbur recounting his warped idea of how Wilbur’s death came to be reflects on how history is written by the victors, and that is the version taught to the population. We are told of the great triumphs of the heroes of history, even if those heroes will never see themselves as such. The people are told of all the good that came out of a horrid historical event without the whole picture because details will always be lost within the wash of time. And during conflict between parties and during horrid events, Ghostbur continued to just live his life. He became the foundations of the country that those in charge put on the line. “...I just wrote books... I built a house for people... I built this town, just like I built Logstedshire...” Ghostbur built L’manburg and Logstedshire as places for him, as a representation of a community, to live.

Even beyond this conversation, the way Ghostbur acts and how everyone interacts with him continues to support the idea that Ghostbur represents the innocents in war. Again, Ghostbur learns everything from word of mouth and history books. They are all skewed to paint a simplified version of events that leaves everything black and white, like how so much of history is formulated and taught. Ghostbur is always happy and cheerful and naive, chasing ideals and chasing that happiness. People just want to be happy. They just want to live their lives freely and enjoy it. Ghostbur covers the more mundane tasks of L’manburg, such as building aesthetic things or extra houses or the town center. When interacting with Ghostbur, everyone treats him like a glass vase. They fight to keep him complacent and content and happy. The way Phil talks to Ghostbur during their conversation, how Phil lies to him about Friend’s canon lives and Dream brings another Friend to keep Ghostbur complicit and feeling positive towards Dream, how everyone practically tip toes around him whenever something serious comes up. They all talk to him softly, like a child. At least the way I see it as an American Citizen, the government is all to happy to leave the people thinking there is nothing wrong, and to actively keep them from getting too close to whatever the truth may be. All parties try to keep the innocents innocent and complacent.

And yet, “I sowed the seeds of peace, yet I am the one who pays for war.” The people always pay. The innocents always pay with their lives and their homes for those in charge to play their games. “You knew everything everyone owned was in this town.” The greater powers at play, whether they be governments or leaders or what have you, know that in this land is where people live. They know, but they enact war anyway. The decimate their lands anyway. They blow up their homes anyway. They kill their loved ones anyway.

Phil’s final, “...maybe you’ll understand someday,” is saying, “one day, you will look back on this day in history and see all the good it caused. One day, the innocents will move on. One day, the people will forget why they lost what they lost.”

And Ghostbur does.

---

A bit disorganized. I wrote this off the cuff so it’s more like a train of thought loosely formatted as an essay. I hope you all liked my small rant. I’ve been thinking about this for a while and just wanted to write it, you know?

Edit below the cut:

A small amendment to this post in retrospect in terms of one of my arguments and how I presented it along with some added hindsight and sleep, since I had written this at 2 in the morning.

This was spurred on by the tags of @asmoljay in their reblog of this post.

In their tags, they bring up the point that my argument on how people treat Ghostbur is placating and dismissive, mentioning that people are actually very confrontational with Ghostbur about Alivebur’s actions and its effect on them.

I will concede, my original claims are unfounded and far too broad. What I should’ve said, and what I have come to the realization of, is that Phil is placating and dismissive and trying to keep Ghostbur, for the most part, complacent. He never actively confronts Ghostbur about Alivebur’s actions and hardly has anything to say when Ghostbur brings up his death by Phil’s hands.

Overall, Philza is the only one engaging with Ghostbur thematically. He’s the only one playing into what Ghostbur represents, acting as a representation of the instigators of war to contrast with Ghostbur’s representation of the innocents.

I also feel I was a tad bit unclear as to why I was specifying that I was looking at Ghostbur through the lens of war. In doing so, I was taking a stance on Ghostbur’s thematic relevance and role in such an analysis and subsequently ignoring aspects of Ghostbur’s character that builds him up as that, a character. Looking through this lens, I am only looking at a small facet of how Ghostbur acts and interacts with the story at play. I am by no means disregarding how he works as a character or as a representation of guilt, unhealthy coping, drug use, etc. Ghostbur is multifaceted and I wanted to bring light to one facet that I found really interesting and didn’t really see anyone acknowledge. In the end, I am blatantly ignoring how different events feed into different aspects of Ghostbur as a character and bringing to light how other events pertain to him as a representation of a general populous and how that plays into the theme of war that is (or at the very least was) going on between Phil and Ghostbur.

Ghostbur isn’t defined by this characterization that I have illustrated, but it is certainly an interesting way to look at him under new context.

#dsmp #dream smp #dream smp writing #dream smp analysis #dsmp analysis #ghostbur #ghostbur analysis #philza minecraft #dsmp philza #dsmp doomsday #wilbur soot

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