#because i’ll be fixed in 8 sessions :|

[vagueiish]

ugh, i have a therapy tomorrow but i’ve always sucked at therapy. and it’s telehealth too…. but i get 8 free sessions per benefits year through work so. yay?

[zzencat]

Paid Readings Info!! - zzencat

Confidential + Personal + Raw

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-> Last updated: September 14, 2024 PST

Hey guys!! This is everything you need to know for personal paid readings. Why pay? You will help in supporting me in my daily life and I hope to support you in yours with guidance. - Teddy :)

• My readings are sent through email or Tumblr DM, and are in the form of Google docs.

• Regular paid readings take 1-7 days maximum to complete upon payment. For Packages, please allow up to 7-8 days max. I will be transparent with you about how much time and how much I’ve finished for any reading.

1) First and foremost, you HAVE to be a follower of my blog and you have to have seen my readings before.

Why? Because I need you to be familiar with how I do my readings—which include of bullet points, hella commentary and extra notes from the Teddy + spirit team pov (which can be funny, helpful, or both), some slang, cursing, and letting my spirit team ramble. A lot of the info is blunt and very no bullshit. (Bear w/ me; I got the Queen of Swords on my spirit team lmfao 😂) My readings could get a bit long, thorough, and maybe overly detailed, varying from the info I receive. My body serves as a host for my Spirit guides, and connecting with Spirits :)

Make sure you read through my Quick Starters Post (it’s pretty short n simple). Keep in mind that tarot readings are a tool for clarity, and not an all seeing eye. Everything is susceptible to change. Time is fluid, and nothing is fixed. The readings are based on your energy now.

***When to request? You can request at any time. (I’m in the PST timezone so if I don’t respond to you, that’s because I’m sleeping or doing summer hw. I always respond within 24 hours tho!)

Where + How?: You can dm me on Tumblr or email me ( teddiebearrr69@gmail.com), and state the reading number that you’d like. Your reading will be received in 5 days or less. and I’ll send you the PayPal link where the money will go through. You will choose 3 photos out of a pile of 9 (that I have chosen for you.) The decks I use: Tarot of Sexual Magic, RWS (circular edition), and Deviant Moon! Oracle cards will be pulled if I need more info or further clarification.

***ALSO IMPORTANT, if you’d like me to do readings for you, please leave your door or window open at any point of our session (for at least a couple of hours.) You may close when you’ve received your reading. This helps me connect with your Spirit team better :)

Readings I do are belowowowow👇

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• • • • • Readings (for now) • • • • •

Reading #1 (and also my most requested reading):

(*For Singles*) Future Spouse (with optional brief 18+ section) | $8 USD

Note: This is different from final spouse bc I can’t say whether you will or won’t face divorce/separation 😅). However, I can give you a vibe of where it’s headed. (Prepare yourself!!)

HEAVY DISCLAIMER: We will take a look into your past and your future lover’s past to see if there should be any trauma to be worked on. This means we will potentially cross very private and vulnerable information on both yours and your lover’s side.

↳ We will cover:

• their current energy now—if you met now vs when you meet later.

• positive and negative aspects of this person/relationship, and how this can develop (pos or neg.) over time (with examples. Like I said, these readings will be similar to the ones I have posted but a lot more in depth and personalized.)

• rockiness and toxicity within the relationship; what to expect while dating; how you both can help improve the relationship; a look into their past selves (relationship, hardships, IF THEY ALLOW THIS INFO TO BE TOLD, but I will try to reason with them.)

• things they need to work on before and after meeting you + what you can do to prepare for this person coming in

• how will you recognize them + how they will recognize you

• their possible occupations at the moment and later — basically where they’re at in life ( + emotionally)

• overall advice for both you + future spouse

🔓 $2.44 USD to unlock: a brief, general overview of sexual relationship + potential kinks. there will be a small deal of vulgar language and graphic descriptions. BUT the 18+ section here is not as detailed as #2.

***PLEASE KEEP IN MIND !!!!! that I will give you “warnings” here and there, and will be transparent if their inner child or spirit guides do not want me discussing some issues/does not want me going in depth.

This is how you’ll get an idea or hint on what they might be secretive about, and personally, this isn’t a good sign, especially if they’re likely to hide mistakes. I would advise you pay attention to these *cryptic* areas, because those are where the bigger problems are at. Yes, some are insecure about it, but that just means they have some work to do. The more open they are about their past, the better. It shows maturity and a desire for growth, and that they won’t hide if they’ve messed up somewhere. That’s a good sign to me.

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Reading #2:

(18+) What does your sexual relationship say about your overall relationship? - Next Partner/Final Spouse | $7 USD

↳ We will uncover:

• Your person’s 18+ thoughts/fantasies from your first meeting/impression to developing friendship to newly dating stage.

• What will lead to your first time with them, feelings + emotions on their side, what will happen during the act?

• Their feelings/overall sex life mood when you’re both comfortable with each other (including yours!) Stagnancy? Contentment? Needs more spice? Sexual conflicts?

• Their kinks!!! Graphic imagery and descriptions, but not at a smut novel level haha (maybe tho…depends on the cards and context)

• Fears and how to improve the relationship, where it could go wrong

• Honestly this reading could get suuuper thorough real quick- hopefully your partner gives me permission to pry heheh 🙂‍↕️

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Reading #3:

(18+) What Your Sexual Energy Says About Your Past + How To Achieve Peace in Your Life | $7.44 USD

↳ We will uncover:

Intrusive-ish reading to an extent. It shouldn’t be too bad (I hope...) But there’s no need to be embarrassed! (I used to write smut lmfao)

This is where I will do a regular card reading for you to see where you are, mainly relying on my Sexual Magic deck (which is cleansed before each reading.)

• your desires/hidden fantasies (now + possibly future) and potentially why you have them

This reading lets us know where you are in your life, what blockages or concerns your subconscious is facing and how this affects your daily life and even future.

Note: I personally like doing sexual readings and they come out very accurately since my sacral chakra and sensuality is so essential to me as…well, me hahaha. My highest good keeps me in high sexual energy, which is probably why I connect to the Tarot of Sexual Magic deck so well :)

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Reading #4:

“I’m Still Feeling Stuck. Where Did This Come From? What can I do about it?” (95% Trauma based.) | $6 USD

↳ We will uncover:

If you‘ve seen my reading on stagnancy or reading on little things to uplift your life, this will be pretty the same BUT more in depth and in accordance to your energy. It’ll be personalized to you 🤗

advice!!

I think the messages do need to be taken seriously so if you learn a bit about yourself in this reading, I’d be seriously happy.

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Reading #5:

Wtf happened in my past life? What did I do to deserve this? Can I still turn things around? / Past Life Reading | $7 USD

↳ We will uncover:

One of my favorite concepts ever. We all wonder where we went wrong to go through such hurt in this life. Wtf exactly happened? You and I will unlock what and who you possible were, your occupation(s), family life/relationships, conflicts, romantic relationship(s), potential betrayals, life lessons your soul carried from that life to this one. This can also be read as just a past life reading!!

Approx. 10-12 questions asked about past life during reading

What can you learn from? What can you let go and move on?

Or perhaps…this is your first life? What lessons do you need to learn in this life?

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Reading #6:

A question and some advice (can get pretty deep depending on the person.) | $3 USD/per question. You can ask any question of your choice (read “no questions about” for more info), as many questions as you’d like, but each question is $3 USD., relating to a specific situation or different things.

❌ No questions about: if you and [celebrity] will date 😂😂, altho you can ask about what your compatibility would be! Singular future spouse, warning, or what to look forward to, 18+ questions in your current/future relationship are welcome. No death-related or specific physical + mental illness/disease questions please.

Feel free to reach out for further questions or details, or if you’re confusion as to what you can or can’t ask! And please don’t feel embarrassed (I’ve seen it all fam ✋🥲)

One of my readers,🫀(on feedback), has become a regular and a friend of mine!! She’s asked if it was okay to do an anime character relationship compatibility between her and said character with her personal list of prompts/questions!! Pricing varies based on how many questions there are. | $3 USD / question

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Reading #7:

Warnings in the near future based on your current energy? (within 3 months to a year from now) - $4.44 USD

↳ We will uncover:

• advice, how to see it when it comes, what to look forward to, what’s likely to happen?

+ $3.22 USD to unlock: Your prediction sounding kinda rough? How can I likely prevent it? Can I change it or do I need to go through this?

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Reading #8

“Okay, be honest. Does this person like me? Do I stand a chance with them? Are they the right person for me?” - $8 USD

↳ We will uncover:

• applies to situationships, potential partners, the person on your mind, secret admirers, unrequited love

• get ready for honesty right here babyyyy (if you buy this reading, ya gotta brace yourself. I’m telling you here and now and when you dm me as well!!)

• things they need to work on before they’re ready for commitment

• How will I know if they’re the one?

• red and green flags about your person

• personalized advice to you

+2 USD to unlock: How do they see me in general?

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Reading #9

(Single or Currently Seeing Romantically) Future Spouse’s Past Life!! - $7 USD

• Refer back to reading #5 about your past life!! Everything there is applied here but about your future spouse this time!

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-> Introducing Packages! :

1) Cat-Sees-All Package - $26

↳ We will uncover:

• reading #1 - future spouse reading (optional brief 18+ section)

• reading #5 + #9 - past life reading on yourself

• overall advice

Disclaimer: these can get heavy realllllly quickly. My future spouse ones are usually extensive and deep anyway (especially since we look into more subconscious and past issues/trauma so I suggest you grab some popcorn. Maybe some tissues too if you need.

———————/////

2) LENZ Package - $24 (minors dni)

↳ We will uncover:

• dark, sensitive, mature and potentially triggering material

• this is pretty much a combination of readings #3 + #4, but we tap into your future spouse’s/lover’s sexual energy/preferences/lifestyle as well yours through kinks!!

• figuring out significant events in yours and their childhood and if trauma has played a role on your daily life and theirs; AND both yours + their individual feelings/energy/view towards and of sex (including deep rooted trauma)

• how sex preferences heal their inner child + how your sex preferences heal yours

• how do they seek this in daily, normal behavior and communication with others + how do you seek it? how does this seep into your daily lives?

• overall advice

🔓 + 2 USD to unlock: Will you be able to heal your wounds together through sex? What is it about you that attracts your partner, personality and sex-wise?

Disclaimer: this is also a really deep reading that includes psychological factors and sensitive topics, so if you’re an empath or are sensitive to this material in general, you might wanna take a couple breathers and come back. It can get pretty dark and negative as well, so I recommend that you don’t get to your reading until the end of the day or when you’re certain nothing can ruin your day.

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3) Custom Package!!

• here, you’ll be able to create you own list of questions (within the boundaries ofc- rmr, nothing about death, illness, politics, etc.) | $3 per question

this is catered towards those who have very specific questions they want answered, anything they’re curious about that hasn’t been answered in the “we will uncover” section of the readings! This allows for modifications or adjustments to be made in order to create the best list of questions well suited for you 😎👍

Ex) 5 questions = $15 USD

7 q’s = $21 USD, etc., etc….

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-more coming soon…brr brrr

**Constructive feedback is heavily encouraged so pls lemme know how it was for you, how it resonated, however many paragraphs you’d like. I’m happy to talk about it w you!! No judgment here.

- Teddy :)

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 8/20

What am I feeling today?

I had a bit of a nightmare last night and I also spent wayyy too much time in bed today. Got up around noon which is hours later than I wanted to. I just feel like I’m in a depressive episode. I just don’t really feel much lately, numb and out of it but I need to get back in the rhythm of things! I’ll work on a study for my heart today and I’ll talk through these empty feelings w my discipler.

Six Keys to Sexual Purity

Key #6 - Seek Accountability Partners to Help with Temptation

Having friends who are on the same journey is always a plus when you want to avoid temptation. You can help each other stay focused on your goals. Just remember to be honest, transparent, supportive, and trustworthy.

When seeking an accountability partner, you should have standards, set expectations, and establish boundaries. Your accountability partner should be someone who is of the same sex. Selecting a same-sex accountability partner is major because there are instances when temptation can arise when opposite-sex accountability partners connect. Your accountability partner should also be someone who will tell you the truth–even if it hurts. Proverbs 15:22 says, "Without counsel, plans fail, but with many advisers, they succeed" (ESV). If you're trying to live a pure life, you should seek counsel from someone whose life reflects the fruit associated with Godly living, not someone who isn't even trying to walk in sexual purity.

We want to offer you a few tips to make the most of your accountability partnership:

Tip 1: Plan and Set Aside a Designated Time for Check-in

Discuss expectations when you first connect. Identify a regular time to meet; determine how you'll meet (e.g., video chat, call, text); and decide how long you'll meet (e.g., 15 minutes, 30 minutes). Put the designated time on your calendar, and treat it as a fixed appointment.

Tip 2: Share Your Journey

Be vulnerable and honest with your struggles. We overcome the enemy by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, and we love not our lives to the death. This means, to experience true freedom, you must share your testimony.

Tip 3: Choose One Thing to Conquer

Sometimes, attempts to overcome multiple issues all at once lead to failure. Instead, create accountability sessions that focus on one problem at a time. This method will help you better track your progress and communicate strengths and challenges to your partner without being overwhelmed.

Tip 4: Celebrate Your Wins

Base all of your communication around positive reinforcement. This doesn't mean you're both perfect and everything is great. This means every step in the right direction toward purity should be acknowledged and applauded.

Tip 5: Be Willing to Change Partners

If your partner starts to disappear or misses a scheduled time on more than one occasion, politely end the partnership. Take responsibility and notify your partner that the partnership isn't working out for you. Then pray and ask God to connect you with someone more compatible. Time is of the essence. There is no time to waste, especially if you're serious about your purity journey.

These are just a few tips to get you started with your accountability partner. Please feel free to adjust as needed and create a mutually beneficial plan.

Reflection:

Do you have an accountability partner? If not, ask God to connect you with other Believers who can help support and encourage you on the journey.

I do!🙂‍↕️ Everyone who is a member of our church is assigned a discipler. They are basically someone who serves as a mentor, teacher, and someone to hold us accountable. We meet every single week and strive for daily communication because Christianity is not something that you can do on your own. You need the community and the church (although, this does not replace your personal relationship with God).

Proverbs 27:6 NIV

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”

I think sometimes people struggle with this. We know that there are times when we make mistakes or need correction and when it comes from a friend it is out of love because they care about us, this is no malicious intent behind it and we shouldn’t treat as if it is.

Proverbs 15:22 NIV

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”

This is very important! we might think that we know the correct way or that our plans are right, but we must seek counsel from God in prayer and from other righteous people. They may have advice or insight that you have not seen. Or maybe, some people refuse counsel because they either know that their plan is wrong or for fear that they’ll be given advice they don’t want. For the sake of your righteous, seek counsel no matter what.

Psalm 1:1-3 NIV

“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.”

Our goal and our desire should be to delight in the Lord! Cherishing and reading His word night and day instead of being caught up in the wickedness of the world. I want to be this person again. I used to be so fired up for Him but I feel that my flame has dimmed considerably. I’m trying to reignite my passion and I’m making progress but I’m still a far way off. Please pray for my heart in this area.

1 Peter 3:15 NIV

“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,”

Sometimes I think about this and the only reason I can give is that it’s the truth. Women studied the Bible with me and taught me so much and I witnessed my life and my character transform into something new and time and time again God has listened to me, and answered my prayers, and blessed me even through my times of hardship. I know that it is nothing I have done but all through God working in my life. I pray that all of you

1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

‭‭there is great importance in this actually! There’s another scripture in Hebrews where it says we must encourage one another daily in order to protect our hearts from sin.

Proverbs 27:17 NIV

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

Just a reiteration that we cannot do this alone. That we need other people to hold us accountable and being open with each other so we can help one another in our journeys.

[loveandthings11]

How Deep My Love Goes, Chapter 14

Read on AO3 Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9 Ch 10 Ch 11 Ch 12 Ch 13

Fic Summary: A fix-it alongside canon that answers the question "how would things change if Rava said yes?" 💗 Chapter Summary: At Argestes, Kendall gathers support for the takeover from Waystar's inner circle even as tension builds and trust splinters within his team. Everyone scrambles to gauge each other's reactions to Logan's out-of-control anger.

Breaking News

Shanghai, 2003

“I can’t deal with this,” Kendall says into his office phone. She can hear that he’s suffering as she struggles to stay awake in New York.

“I’m sorry I’m so tired,” she says sleepily.

“No, I should have called you earlier. You- you should be falling asleep with me,” he says. He sounds almost desperate. “You have to come out here. I can’t stand it without you. I seriously, like- I’m not- I need you. Fuck. I miss you. No one understands how hard this is.”

She takes in a breath.

“I might be the only one who does,” she says more clearly. “I miss you so much it hurts.” She hugs her pillow. “I wish I could hug you right now. Make you feel better.”

“Oh my god, I’m dying for it,” he says. His voice sounds so stressed and it hurts that she can’t be there to comfort him.

“I want to hold you and cover us up in this comforter,” she says. “Keep you warm, kiss your face.” Sometimes she stays away from it, but tonight she’s just allowing the torture.

He drops his head into his hands. “I fucking- I need that so badly. I need you. I’m-“ he shakes his head “-yeah, you know what? I’m sending a plane for you. Come stay with me. Please.”

“What about-“ she starts.

“I’ll call Yale. It doesn’t matter. You can finish the semester from here. We’ll figure it out.”

“Oh? And how is that going to work?” she laughs.

“Because I’ll make it work. I’m calling them tomorrow.” He sounds serious.

“And- they’ll just say yes?” she asks, trying not to let herself believe it yet.

“One of the few advantages my father offers,” he grumbles. “Their endowment can increase significantly.” He and his dad have been fighting for months over Logan’s decision to send him across the world for a year.

“Oh, one of the few,” Rava smiles.

“I’ll pay your law professors personally. They’ll do individual sessions, whatever it takes. It’s your last year. You’ll have bar exam tutors, whatever, I’ll fly them out.”

“Okay! Well, you’ve convinced me,” she says. She feels a smile spreading across her face. “Ken, can you actually do this? Because if I think I’m going to be wrapping my entire body around you this week and then it doesn’t happen-“

“Well, now that you’ve put it like that, my entire body is very ready for that scenario,” he says. He drags a hand over his face. “Jesus. Two months since your last visit is like a fucking year, I’m fixing this right now. I’m gonna let you go to sleep before I lose my mind in this office.”

“Okay,” she agrees reluctantly. “I really wish you were here.”

He sighs.

“I can’t even think about you in bed right now.” He pauses. “Except that now I will think about you in bed, and nothing else, for the rest of the day.” He pictures their fluffy comforter, soft-as-air sheets wrapped around her perfect body, arms reaching toward him with sparkles in her eyes. “What are you wearing?” he asks to complete the fantasy.

“I thought I wasn’t supposed to talk about that while you’re at work,” Rava teases. He chuckles.

“You’re not. But now I fucking have to know. Break my rule. Get your camera and email me a picture.”

“Kendall Roy, what kind of a girl do you think I am?” she asks with pretend shock. He smiles.

“Does that mean you’re not wearing anyth… no. Don’t answer that. You’re getting on a plane this week.”

“Whatever you say,” she says nonchalantly. He raises his eyebrows.

“Whatever I say? Are we keeping that rule when you get here?” he asks.

“Maybe,” Rava answers sweetly. “What are you wearing?”

He grins a little but refuses to give in.

“A suit.”

“That’s not very descriptive. That’s like me just saying ‘lingerie,’” she says. He wonders if anyone can see his smile through the glass of the office. Anyone could tell this is not a business call but he can’t stop.

“I’m not describing my suit.”

“Oh, you’re soooo serious and business-like,” she says mockingly. He tries unsuccessfully to keep his expression neutral.

“Okay. Well, this is a serious day-“ he attempts.

“What color is it?” she interrupts.

He gives it up, shaking his head and laughing.

“Navy blue. Are you happy?” She loves the sound of his laughter. It takes a lot of work and it’s always worth it.

“I will be if I see you this week,” she answers honestly. “You’re really going to call them tomorrow?” she asks hopefully. The possibility makes her heart race and she yearns for definite confirmation that she’ll have him back in her arms soon.

“Absolutely.” He looks at his watch and sighs. “Okay, well-“

“Nooo, don’t go,” she coos. But she knows she has to sleep and he has to work.

“Believe me, I don’t want to,” he says. She makes him feel more wanted than he’s ever felt.

“Okay. Thank you for taking care of this. I love you so, so much. I hope I get to see you this week.” She buries her face in the pillow and wills herself to stop being so excited before she knows if it’s really going to happen.

“You will. I love you too,” he says. He remembers the awful feeling of practically being pulled away from her at the hangar when he left and seeing her crying through the jet window. He can’t do that again. “You’ll stay? When you come?” he asks.

“For as long as you want,” she smiles.

“Forever,” he says. “Just so we’re clear.”

She blushes into speechlessness. She can’t believe how lucky she is.

“Forever. But we’re not staying there forever,” she half-asks.

“Don’t even worry. The day we get back to New York, that townhouse is gonna be home for real.” He’d bought them their dream place on the Upper East Side right before Logan had casually announced that Kendall would be in Shanghai for a year. He can’t wait to propose this coming year and make it all official.

“I love that,” she says dreamily.

“The place is good so far?” he asks. He’s jealous he’s not getting to experience it with her. His long-term hotel penthouse feels cold and impersonal and he misses Rava’s ability to make every room she walks into feel like home to him. He feels warmer at the idea of her in the suite. He likes it better already.

“It’s perfect,” she replies truthfully. “It’s missing you, though. It’s a good thing I have your sweatshirt.” She pauses. “Actually, can I break your rule?”

He smiles.

“Sure,” he agrees.

“Your sweatshirt. That’s what I’m wearing,” she says.

He wonders how she’s real.

“That’s even better than what I was thinking. Well, sort of.” She giggles. She’s warm in their bed inside his sweatshirt. He can’t do this anymore without going insane. “So… you go to sleep. I’ll take care of everything. You’ll be here within the week.”

“You’ll tell me exactly when tomorrow?” she asks. They had stopped doing their hourly count when she’d emailed him to ask how many hours til she saw him and he’d replied “a million :(“

“Yes. And it’s going to be less than a hundred hours. I can make it,” he says. “I think.”

“I’m so ready to see you. Less than a hundred hours.” She’s suddenly filled with relief. It hits her and she squeals. He smiles at the sound. She’s that excited to see him. “You have to cancel everything on your schedule because when I get there I am not letting go of you for two entire days!”

“That sounds so good,” he says. He glances out his glass office door at Nate and three of his coworkers heading his way. “Okay, I’m really sorry, but the guys are coming in here for the meeting. I love you. I can’t wait to see you. You have no idea.”

“I’m so excited! I love you!” she exclaims. Have a good meeting. I love you, I love you, I love you!”

……

Kendall’s leaning against the upholstered headboard smiling as he reads Rava’s gifted diary. He’d planned to read it all in one day but decided that reading one entry at a time was better.

She drapes her arm over his stomach from the pillow.

“What are you reading about?” she whispers.

“The week you came out to Shanghai.” He looks down at her. “You’re so fucking cute.”

“Mm I remember that. Just couldn’t take it anymore!” she smiles and nudges him to come closer. He slides down back under the comforter next to her and she puts the journal in the nightstand drawer.

“Yeah, that was physically painful.” He rolls onto his side and pulls her into his arms, exhaling fully. “This,” he says. “This is what I needed.”

She kisses him slowly and remembers the absolute euphoria of running into his arms as soon as she’d touched down.

He’d picked her up at the bottom of the plane staircase and she’d finally felt like she was flying even though she’d been in the air for hours. His driver and the flight attendants had stared at them kissing on the tarmac and fumbling and tripping backwards through laughs into the waiting limo.

“You brought literal sunshine with you,” he’d smiled as she shamelessly laid on top of him on the long seat and they saw the rays shining through the window. She had beamed at him and kissed him again and again.

“Where are we going?” she’d asked as the car started moving.

“Bed. Immediately.” He’d flashed her a devilish smile and she’d returned it as he started slipping his fingertips under her shirt.

She’d been terrified for months that she was going to lose him to someone else or that he would get stuck working in Shanghai permanently and wouldn’t be allowed to come home.

The relief of knowing she doesn’t ever have to be without him again floods her like it had in that moment and she rubs his shoulders.

“Hey,” she murmurs. “I love you.”

“I love you,” he mumbles into her hair.

“I’m going to go to Argestes with you,” she tells him.

He’s glad to hear the confirmation. He wants to look at her but he wants to stay where he is more.

“Yeah? Even with the kids and the plane and everything?”

“Yeah.”

He nods contentedly.

“Good.”

……

After dinner that night, Rava scrolls through The New York Times headlines while the staff cleans up. Kendall is reading through his hundreds of subject lines looking for anything that actually needs his attention when Connor calls him. He’s surprised for a moment but picks up right away once he remembers what the rest of the family is doing.

“Miss you, Kenny,” Connor slurs a little as soon as Kendall answers the phone. “Miss. You.”

Kendall is touched. And touched by guilt. He’d told himself he was going to make more of an effort with his big brother and they’ve barely spoken since RECNY.

“Hey, I miss you, too. How’s, uh… where are you all again?” He feels a pang of being left out. It’s been wearing on him lately.

“Tern Haven. What the Pierces call their compound.” Connor rolls his eyes. “They won’t take me seriously as a candidate, you know? They’re so into their elite establishments-“

“Dude. Criticism of the elite? Like- seriously?”

“Ha! You fit with everyone so well. Fuck,” Connor shakes his head. “Even when you’re out, you’re in,” he says. Kendall can hear the resentment and envy.

“Uh. Well, I don’t know that Dad would say that,” he responds. “So- so, what’s been happening? Is Nan Pierce-“

“Kenny, I love you. But I’m not calling to talk about company bullshit.”

“Oh- uh, right. Okay. Well…” Kendall doesn’t know quite what to say for a moment. “So- how are you?” he asks.

“Well, thank you for asking. I’m tired of not being taken seriously.”

“Well- Con, I get it, but you have to prove you deserve it to Dad if you want his-“

“-love?”

“-I was going to say respect. Although….” Kendall rubs his face. “He- I mean, not that I necessarily know everything- but- I think I’ve spent a lot of time close to him, so…”

“That you have,” Connor says plainly. Kendall’s a little thrown off by the attitude.

“Uh, are you guys drinking a lot?”

Rava glances up at him.

“You’re going to ask me if I’m drinking?” Connor asks with an edge.

Kendall sighs and looks at Rava with an expression that conveys how aggressive his brother sounds.

“I just- you seem…” he searches for the right words.

“Upset? Taken advantage of? You’re god damned right. And you’re off with your other family just laughing it up and taking away the company that makes any of us somebodies.”

“My other family?” Kendall is a little aghast at that and Rava looks taken aback. “You’re the one who- who always said I’d get them back? What the fuck? You know what happened with Dad. I had to do something.”

“Not this!” Connor exclaims. Kendall can hear the booze in his voice. “Splitting us up. We could have all been here together, you know? For once.”

“Okay, I’m not doing this. It is not my fault that we’re- you know, split like this. Blame Dad. I’m sure he’s pinning this all on me, but, it’s not just me. What was I supposed to do?” Rava is increasingly annoyed at the disruption in their peaceful day.

“Not take everything for yourself,” Connor grumbles.

“What? It was all taken from me. I- I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.” Kendall has a bit of an out-of-body experience saying the things that were once said to him in similar situations. “I’m just going to hang up- and- and we can talk later.” He thinks he sounds like Rava four years ago and wonders if she thinks the same thing.

“No,” Connor says. “I’m sorry. I’m- drunk. I don’t want to- just, you’re the favorite and you don’t appreciate it. You’re not even here. The one time I’m actually invited.”

“Con, Dad tried to destroy my life multiple times in the last four- five months. I don’t think I’m his favorite. Or- not anymore, I dunno.” Hearing himself say it makes him sad. “As for me being there, that just doesn’t- it doesn’t make any sense. When you’re back in the city we can get together. If you want.”

“Sure,” Connor says dully. “But we won’t.”

“Yeah, yes we will,” Kendall replies. “You know, if it made any sense for me to be there, I would be. I actually- it’s hard not to see anyone. Are you going to be at Argestes?”

“No,” Connor answers flatly. “Not invited to things like that. You know, the way the little ones talk to me is unacceptable. Roman thinks I’m a joke and Shiv couldn’t care less.”

“I mean- that’s the way they are,” Kendall says as sympathetically as he can. “They talk to me like that, too. Sometimes it’s good with them, but then- well, they have their own thing.”

“You three have your own thing.”

“Uh, less now. I mean, if it makes you feel better that we’re apart,” Kendall says with some bitterness. He doesn’t like it himself.

“Great, now I’m bad for wanting to separate you,” Connor replies. Kendall rolls his eyes. This conversation is impossible. Connor continues, “But you know, I would know, it sucks that you aren’t talking to them.”

Kendall feels more guilt seep in. His frequent talks with Roman and his last one with Shiv are too secret to mention. He hates to lie when Connor feels like this.

“I mean, yeah, it’s hard not to see them much, but- but all of this is necessary. And it’s temporary.” His carefully chosen words make him feel slimy.

“Right.” Connor scoffs lightly. “Necessary. Because you can’t live without Waystar, right?”

Kendall looks down. He’s sorry to say it, but at least he can tell the truth here.

“Not- not really.”

Connor nods sadly.

“Yeah.” He pauses. “I fucking love you, Kenny. I really do. I’m happy you’re happy.”

“Well- I don’t want you to- I- I mean, I love you, too. I don’t know if I’d say I’m just happy. Everything you said? Roman and Shiv? I don’t like this either.” Rava shifts in her chair and looks sad for a moment. He catches her eye and points to the phone like he had to say it, but she can tell it’s not all made up. He pauses for a moment and gets up to walk out of the room. “Look- you- you helped me when things were bad,” he says quietly. “So, if you want to talk about anything-“ he sees an opportunity. “-the President thing maybe?” he approaches cautiously. “Like, are you just doing this for-“

“Attention?” Connor finishes. “In fact, I am doing this because my principles are the ones America needs to adopt in order to save herself.”

Jesus, Kendall thinks.

“Okay, well. If you want to talk. You know.”

He feels bad but he can’t stop wondering about what happened at dinner. He thinks he’d better not ask Connor.

“Yeah. Okay. Well, I made a friend here. Maxim Pierce. I kinda hate him, but he kinda hates me too, so it’s fun. He’s got some port that’s life-changing. I guess I better get back out there. So…”

“I’ll see you in New York,” Kendall offers.

“Uh-huh. That’ll be good,” Connor says. Kendall hears the doubt in his voice and promises himself he’ll do better with reaching out.

……

Tanya the travel nanny sits reading to the kids in their seat cluster on the jet as Rava pores over the latest documents the firm sent her. Kendall looks out the window and plays music to hype himself up for the upcoming run-in with his dad and siblings at Argestes. He looks at the text he’d received from Roman the morning before and lets it fill him with energy.

Naomi Pierce swung the vote against Waystar. An absolute no. But Dad will get them at Argestes anyway.

Stewy laughs at his phone and calls over to Kendall’s side of the plane.

“Take off your headphones and come look at this shit,” he says. This girl just sent me an article from some site called Fuckable in Finance. It’s a countdown. Top ten.”

Rava looks at Stewy disapprovingly for his language and its content near the kids, but Kendall’s obvious intrigue dances on his face. Stewy gives her an unconvincing apologetic look. Kendall pulls the headphones down around the back of his neck.

“So-?”

“Guess who number one is?” Stewy asks smugly.

“Do we have to?” Rava says drily.

“I guess no one really does now,” Stewy answers mock-thoughtfully.

Kendall stands up and strides over to Stewy, picking up his iPad and scrolling. He wrinkles his nose.

“Four?”

“You’re very hard on yourself, Ken,” Rava says as she pretends to focus on her paperwork.

“I know, seemed a little high for you,” Stewy says. “Recent media appearances probably skewed it in your favor, though. People love it when a thirty-nine-year-old goes through a rebellious phase.”

“Okay. Ha ha.” Kendall wishes Roman were here to do something annoying like put a blanket over Stewy’s head, or at least mess his hair up. “Are there a lot of these countdowns?” he asks.

“Oh god, take the iPad from him now,” Rava says to Stewy as she gives him a rare rye smile. Stewy looks triumphant as Kendall furrows his brow and does a Google search.

“Kendall, do you want to read the next chapter to the kids?” Tanya calls over. “They’re asking for you to do it.”

“With the voices!” Sophie exclaims.

Rava looks at Kendall lovingly and he looks up from Stewy’s iPad.

“Uh, yeah. Okay. I’ll be right there.”

“iPad, please,” Stewy says in a self-satisfied way. Kendall drops it onto Stewy’s armrest without looking at him as Rava stifles a laugh at their adolescent behavior. Kendall walks over to the kids and glances over self-consciously at Rava and Stewy watching him expectantly as he picks up the book.

“In here,” Kendall says to the kids, and ushers them behind a curtain to the other room.

……

Rava glances over at Roman and Kendall poking each other as soon as they’ve walked into the building for Argestes day one.

“Rockin’ some horny ankle cleavage,” Roman’s saying quietly to Kendall. Kendall looks at him with a smirk.

“Oooh, that’s scary. I’m scared.”

Rava chuckles and looks around to see who she might chat with. They’ve been spending so much time alone together lately that she hasn’t seen Bro Kendall in a while. She forgot how funny the inflated ego makes him.

“Maybe you should be scared,” Roman smirks. “We have this deal on lock.”

“I don’t think you do,” Kendall says, trying to sound sure of himself. “I think Nan wants nothing to do with Dad, Waystar, and especially ATN.”

“Well, unless you’ve got something huge to stand in Waystar’s way, you and Stewy and Sandy are dead in the water.”

Kendall works hard to maintain a neutral face until an hour later, when he and Stewy are sitting in armchairs in a breakout room, laptops out and coffees on tables.

“Are you seeing this email from Sandy?” Stewy raises his eyebrows as he scrolls on his phone. Kendall stares at his computer screen.

“Yeah. Fuck. This is a shitstorm. The wolf pack, the whole fucking- I think Greg knows all about this cruises shit… we should have stopped this, done something-“ Kendall starts.

“Dude. What are you talking about, Sandy’s thrilled! No chance Pierce sells to your dad once this story is released,” Stewy almost laughs. “It was supposed to be a while til they published this, but you know Logan’s going to make another attempt to buy while Nan is here. We’ve got to stop that. Waystar tanks, it’ll be nice and easy for us to buy it up.”

Kendall looks at him.

“I- I mean, yeah, but this can’t be the reason Pierce doesn’t sell. What are we doing to stop this article?”

“Stop it?” Stewy drops his head back. “Ken. Don’t be sentimental here. You want Waystar? This is how we get it.”

“How we get it?” Kendall’s wheels turn. “Did Sandy have something to do with this? Did- did he move up the publishing date?”

“Don’t get crazy,” Stewy warns.

“He fucking called New York Magazine?”

“It is his.”

Kendall gives Stewy an almost hurt look.

“Stewy. I did not agree to this. I wasn’t consulted, I would never have allowed this.”

“Well, you’re not the one in charge yet,” Stewy says.

“But you knew about this, obviously. And you didn’t tell me?” Stewy keeps the calm voice that he knows Kendall has to hear right now.

“You can’t always see through it all. It’s Sandy’s way of making things work, okay? You’ll be glad down the line.” Kendall looks at him like he’s insane.

“There might not be a way through it all. He didn’t even talk to me? Stew. Fucking- level with me. Is he trying to get me off the team? Does he have a new CEO in mind?”

“Don’t be paranoid. You’re fine, he’s just being practical.”

“He hasn’t taken my calls the last two days. We don’t have to destroy the company’s reputation,” Kendall says. Stewy still looks far too tranquil.

“Well, it’s happening. Nothing I can do,” Stewy shrugs. He sees a group walking by outside the door and nods at Kendall. “I’ll be back later.” He starts walking away.

“Come on, bro, I’m not done with this. Don’t fucking-“

Kendall is left standing by himself, tension bubbling from his stomach into his chest and clouding his head. The only thing he can think is that he has got to talk to Sandy. He shuts the door of the side room and reenters the cavernous networking space. He spies Sandy schmoozing with some others in the corner and begins to make his way over. He glances up at the balcony and sees Roman and Gerri rushing away into a conference room followed by Hugo and Logan. His stomach flips and he feels a physical pull toward that room. He should be in there. They’re defending the company. He tries to straighten his thoughts. He’s going to try to defend the company the only way he can. He walks over to Sandy and gives him a tight smile.

Sandy extricates himself from the group he’s with and walks with Kendall into a corner, sporting matching publicly-viewable smiles and relaxed expressions.

“Sandy. New York Magazine?” Kendall starts, keeping a pleasant tone for the many curious lookers-on. “This- this is how you want to win?”

“Kendall, I think you are maybe a little close to this situation,” Sandy says with an edge to his voice as he looks calmly at Kendall.

“What does that mean?”

“You are more concerned about the company’s reputation than ensuring our success.”

“Well, yeah, it matters that the company is in good shape once it’s in our hands.”

“This is a good move, and if it were any other firm, you’d agree that this is the right path.” Kendall tries not to think about whether that’s true. “I think you’re a bit emotion-focused right now.” Kendall tries not to let the fury spill out. “We can PR this… unseemly issue.”

“Sandy-“

“You’re not willing to damage the value temporarily, which we need to do in order to take over,” Sandy continues without allowing the interruption. “We have to stop this Pierce deal. Make them balk.”

“They already said no at Tern Haven. Roman told me so.” Kendall says flatly.

“For their own floppy reasons,” Sandy points out. “Logan is a persuasive man, is he not?” Kendall can’t argue with that. “We need something that even he can’t outbid. Something the Pierces will find sharply distasteful, not just generally offensive.”

“Sure, but-“ Kendall tries again to interrupt.

“But it’s your baby. Isn’t it?” Sandy maintains eye contact with Kendall, smiling placidly as if this isn’t a question that could end the world. “I also worry that this is more about your ego than anything else. You were across the department at the time, you might get dragged for it.”

“I- well- no. It’s- that was Mo, and Bill, first of all,“ Kendall starts. “It’s more than that. This- I am serious about being CEO, Sandy, and shepherding Waystar into the future. Let me say first that obviously whatever happened back then is not okay. I was not aware. I mean, of course there were people I- Mo, you know, he was an old family friend but- but, yeah, we should’ve gotten rid of him. There were-“ he shakes his head. “Sandy, you don’t have to publish. You don’t have to do this.”

“Kendall. It’s going to happen whether we do this or not. And I think you are gong to have to figure out what to say about these things when they come up. I’m sure you will.” And with that, he’s walking away and Kendall’s standing there silently arguing.

He’s so worked up he’s running his hand over the back of his head and starts looking around. He clocks Stewy coming toward him and slapping his own serene smile on top of his concern.

“Ken, what are you doing?”

“Sandy’s fucking threatening me I think?” Kendall begins. “Unless I’m good with the company being destroyed by his article, I’m out?”

“Relax,” Stewy practically whispers. “You are not being removed. He’s doing what is necessary.”

“And if that results in the company being trashed?”

“We’ll PR that shit so hard no one will even remember.”

“Stewy. The cruises thing is fucked up, but I can take care of it our way. Those responsible should be held responsible, but-“

Stewy rolls his eyes.

“We’ll get you your very own soap box,” he says, patting Kendall’s shoulder. He sees someone out of the corner of his eye and walks away again.

Kendall stands in a spiral and looks around hoping to find someone who will relate. Just then, Rava sidles up to him and gives him an excited smile.

“Oh, this is actually fun,” she says. “It’s been a long time but I just had a great talk with-“ she sees his frown. “What’s up?”

“Uh- no. Nothing. It’s good you’re having a good time, I like it here too.”

“Okay. So… what’s with the face?”

He sighs.

“There’s an-an article coming out, about cruises stuff. I don’t know exactly what the story is but it’s going to be bad. Make the company look like shit, possibly make me look like the bad guy. I fucking know who the bad guys were.” He grumbles. “Sandy’s publishing in New York Magazine, which he owns. I couldn’t even- stop him, he’s doing this. He- he doesn’t care what happens to me, Stewy says we’ll just PR it, but I don’t know that I come out of this, or that Waystar even comes out of this-“

“So, what, you just keep it a secret? What kind of accusations are we talking about here?”

“I don’t- I don’t even know. I-“ he glances at her. “You know, bad guys. They did bad shit. Shadow logs, coercion… maybe some assault. Maybe, uh, worse.” He braces himself.

“Maybe some assault?” Rava repeats. “And what, murder? What are you going to say about this?”

“Well, it’s going to depend on how they frame it. They’re doing whatever Sandy says, so the blame is going to land wherever he says it’s going to land. It doesn’t matter what the truth is. Sandy is not that different from Dad, you know… If he says it, it’s real.”

Rava scoffs.

“It is not real just because he says it. And Sandy doesn’t want you to look bad. You’re on his team. I mean, right?”

Kendall thinks for a minute.

“Sure. For now. But, but yeah. If this comes out, we’re going to have to have a big reaction. People are going to look to me. I have to condemn this, have a better reaction than the sibs. I’m going to call some crisis people.” Rava sighs and nods. Always another crisis.

……

The next morning, Kendall and Rava sit with Sandy and Stewy at a table staring over at Logan and Nan and Rhea. The tension is thick in the thin air. Rava’s watching Kendall and can practically hear his thoughts. Can’t believe Sandy’s fucking doing this. He sits refreshing New York Magazine’s home page over and over, wondering what Roman and Shiv are thinking about this. He notices they weren’t invited to Logan’s table this morning.

“You good?” Rava whispers.

He nods.

“Had enough PR people and lawyers to last me a lifetime last night.”

“Oh?” Rava asks, mock-insulted.

He gives her a stressed smile.

“Yeah. Well, except one.” He fidgets in his chair and Sandy looks over.

“Can you relax? It’s not as bad as it could be, Kendall. I am not destroying the company I’m taking over,” he says. Kendall notices his use of “I’m.”

Over at the other table, Rhea is doing the same refreshing. Sandy grins and glances at the time.

“Three… two… one.”

The story pops up on Kendall’s screen and he starts to read it furiously between stares at his father’s table.

Sandy looks on contentedly as he watches Rhea get up from the table with Nan and sees Logan look after them.

“And there goes Pierce,” Sandy says in a tranquil tone.

“Fuck,” Kendall whispers as he reads. “I mean… this is not good.”

Rava reads over his shoulder. Sandy clinks glasses with Stewy and Kendall tries not to throw something. Stewy looks at his face and knows.

“Ken. This was necessary. No Pierce, Waystar’s ours.”

“Ours and ‘embattled,’” Kendall says indignantly as he continues to read. He is sick of being embattled.

“You really don’t see what this does for us?” Sandy asks. Kendall is seething.

“Respectfully, neither of you built this company,” he says in as controlled a voice as he can.

“You are not going to be taken down by this, man,” Stewy tells him. “It’ll be a temporary dip. You know this.”

Sandy and Stewy glance at each other and know that Kendall just can’t see the big picture here.

“You’ll see,” Sandy says. Rava looks at Kendall supportively but she wonders if it might really be necessary to make the takeover happen.

……

After hours of pacing and texting endless questions to Stewy while trying to find out what response Waystar is going to have at the evening’s panel, the time finally comes to sit down and watch it happen. He fidgets anxiously next to Rava in the audience as the discussions begin.

“Who are they even going to have?” he whispers between nail-bitings and foot bounces.

“Stop that,” Rava whispers back, forcing him to sit still and not draw attention to himself. “The more obvious it is that you’re here, the more people are going to stare.” He does his best to stop.

“This is insane.” He glances ahead of him two rows at Stewy and Sandy sitting together. “I would know exactly what to say for this if I were up there,” he whispers into Rava’s ear.

“I know. But it’s probably for the best that you are not the face of Waystar right now, don’t you think?” Rava points out.

“Yeah, I-I guess. Let Shiv and Rome look like idiots trying to defend this? Or throw me under the bus?”

“They can’t do that without also throwing your dad under the bus, which I doubt he would like very much. If they’re going to say you knew, no one would believe he didn’t know.”

Kendall sighs. That’s something. Roman and Shiv are announced and make their way onto the stage.

“This is a joke,” Kendall whispers.

His eyes bore into them as they begin their interview, but after a minute it’s too hard to look at them. He should up there, he should already be CEO. He makes himself take a look around at who else is there. He spots Frank and wills him to turn toward him. Frank continues gazing forward with his hand holding his face. Kendall doesn’t take his eyes off him. This could be the moment to convince him to leave.

“Maybe it’s time for a good old-fashioned dinosaur cull,” Shiv says. The room quiets. Kendall’s mouth falls open and so does Frank’s. In a moment, Frank turns and he’s looking right at Kendall. Kendall eyes him intently, hoping he’ll read his mind. But he lets his godfather lead and stays stoic until Frank breaks the silent pause.

“We need to talk,” Frank mouths. Kendall nods.

Half an hour later, he watches Frank cross his legs as he leans back in the swivel chair at the of table of the small conference room they’d snuck into. He observes his every expression as he continues making his case. “You can’t be seen to take the side of the old guard. Look what they allowed to happen.”

“Well, Ken, if we’re being honest, it could look like this is what you allowed to happen,” Frank says.

“Well, Frank, if I’m going to be honest with you, it could easily look like you orchestrated it and are trying to blame me.” It’s ribbing, it’s serious, it’s everything in between. Frank sighs and Kendall continues. “I-I mean, I’m just saying, I think it’s a solid move for you to show that it wasn’t you. Come to the light, you know? I know you, panic-meister. This is killing you. You’ve got to do something, yeah?” he says with mounting enthusiasm. “Yeah?! I fucking know you! Get away from the incompetents, come remake this thing with us.”

Frank looks at the door and back at Kendall.

“You trust Sandy?” Frank asks.

“I…” Kendall realizes a pause is dangerous. “Yes. Yes, I trust him.”

“Well,” he sighs. “I’ll think about it. He’s easing into the possibility and Kendall tries to temper his eagerness.

“Okay. Good, that’s all I’m asking.”

Frank gets up and turns toward the doorway.

“Hey, Frank?” Kendall asks before he goes. The uncertainty of his situation is getting to him. “Do you think- do you think I can do this?”

“Well,” Frank answers, “I think your dad has definitely thought so. In the past, you know.”

“Sure,” Kendall says. He loves hearing that. “But, do you?”

Frank nods equivocally.

“Yeah,” he says lightly. “Probably, yeah, I think you could. Maybe,” he chuckles.

Kendall nods. He hopes he’s right about whose team Frank’s going to end up on.

They walk back into the room full of networkers, shoe-lickers, show horses, and hangers-on. Kendall darts up the stairs and knows exactly who he’s looking for next. The tallest man in the room.

“Greg the motherfuckin’ egg,” Kendall smiles sardonically as he finds Greg walking down a hallway. Greg looks like he’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“Oh, h-hey, Ken! How’s everything going with, uh-“

“Greg,” he interrupts. “I’ve been thinking about our conversation at my sister’s wedding.”

“Oh-oh, yeah? Yeah.” Greg swallows and tries to breathe slowly.

“Well, I’m just wondering how much of this you know about. Because some of that insider information might be very useful. I thought we could talk about some opportunities for you at the new Waystar.”

“The new Waystar. That’s super- exciting, yeah. I really- um, I’ve been working a lot with Tom… though?”

“Tom?” Kendall scoffs lightly. “Greg. I like Tom. I do. But Tom is in charge of ATN. I’m about to be his boss. I already was his boss. If he’s lucky and gets to stay, we’ll see. He was also directly in the line of information that you shouldn’t have.” Kendall thinks for a second and looks directly at Greg. “Actually, is- is that where you got this information? From Tom?”

Greg looks too scared for that not to be the case. Kendall laughs a bitter laugh.

“Right. Okay. So you’re both stuck. I think you know I have every incentive to place the blame squarely on Mo, where it belongs, by the way, and Bill for covering it up, and unfortunately, that means Tom is in the line of fire. You, though? You could escape. Take the lifeboat.” Greg looks worried and Kendall looks at him seriously. “Just in case you hadn’t noticed, the cruise ship is sinking.”

On the other side of the room, on the ground floor, Rava’s gaze crosses the door that Logan, the old guard, Shiv, and Roman had entered after the panel discussion. Suddenly, she sees Roman stumble out holding his jaw and is shocked to see some unmistakable drops of blood on his hand where he’s holding his face. Her mouth drops open and she makes a beeline for him. He sees her coming and tries to turn the other way.

“Roman,” Rava calls, approaching him slowly. She’s pretty sure she knows what just happened. She catches up to him as he turns a corner into an empty hallway. “Roman. Are you okay?”

“I’m fucking fine, why is everyone asking me that?” But he’s looking at his hand in horror.

“Well,” Rava indicates his hand, his face.

“It was nothing,” Roman insists. “A fucking- accident.” But there are tears forming.

Rava reaches her hand out to touch his shoulder. It’s so tense it feels like a rock. He’s defended and doesn’t really respond.

“Hey. I’m not new here,” she says softly. He still doesn’t want to make eye contact. “Did he break anyth- oh, god,” she reacts as he pulls a tooth out.

“Ow, fuck. It’s fine, it’s nothing, I’ll get a new one,” Roman shrugs. But he’s obviously falling apart.

“Unbelievable,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

She puts her arm around him even though he tries to shrug her off. He sniffles.

“I’m sure Kendall loves that shit, but I’m stronger than him. If he even chipped a tooth he’d be in a plastic surgeon’s office with three psychiatrists convincing him not to jump off a fucking building.”

Rava squeezes her eyes shut and smiles.

“Okay. Can I get you some ice?”

He thinks about saying no but he can feel the swelling.

“Fuck you, fine.”

“Rome?!” They hear Shiv’s voice echoing as she quickly strides in their direction, the door slamming behind her. Rava watches her turn the corner and spot him, bending down to look at his face and make sure he’s okay.

“I’ll be back,” Rava assures him as she heads to find a server.

Once she’s collected the ice, she returns to him, now sitting in a chair in an awkward ball next to Shiv.

“Here you go,” she hands him the pack. He sighs.

“Thank you,” he says begrudgingly. “Where’s Ken, by the way? Can you- where is he?”

“I’ll get him,” she says immediately. “You want me to send him here, or-“

“No,” Shiv says. “No, we’ll be in Rome’s room. Right?” she asks him. He nods.

“Okay. I’ll tell him to come right to you.” Rava takes off to find Kendall. She walks all around the room and looks up to the balcony. Greg is slowly turning away from Kendall and walking back down to the Waystar room Roman just left. She takes long strides to get to Kendall faster. He catches her eye and she gives him a look that screams problems. He rushes to meet her on the staircase.

“Hey. What’s up?” he asks tensely. He looks pulled in a million directions and there’s about to be one more. She tries to keep her voice as delicate as possible.

“Uh, Ken, I’m sorry to tell you this, but your dad-“ she sighs. “Your dad hit Roman- pretty badly. Lost a tooth, he’s-”

The color drains from Kendall’s face.

“He fucking what? When- just now?” Rage spurts out of him. “I’m going to fucking kill him.” She puts a hand on his arm to make him keep listening.

“Yes, it was just a minute ago. I found Roman coming out of the room, and he’s with Shiv now. He asked for you to come to his room.”

Kendall is about to lunge toward the room he knows Logan is in when he’s physically pulled in the other direction by her words.

“He- he wants to see me?”

“He does.”

“Well, is he- is he okay? I’ll go right now.”

“He’s sort of okay? I got him some ice and stayed with him until Shiv got there.” Kendall pauses and looks at her.

“Of course you did,” he says quietly. She’s so good. He holds her hand. “Thank you.”

She squeezes his hand.

“He’s pretty shaken up. But I think he’ll recover.” Kendall looks almost as upset as Roman. She gives him a quick hug. “You should go, take care of him.” He nods.

“Yeah. Okay, yeah, I’m going now.” He walks briskly in the direction of the residences.

Rava watches him go and wishes for freedom for all the siblings. As he disappears behind a corner, she’s approached by a tall man in a suit who taps her on the shoulder.

“Rava. Nice to see you in the wild,” the man says.

“Oh, Joe,” she says. “How’s the case I want back?” she jokes, though they both know she’s serious.

“I’m glad you’re here, figured you’d be attending since the rest of the, uh, family is here,” he laughs a bit and she grins unconvincingly and nods.

“Yes, it’s a great day to have the last name ‘Roy,’” she acknowledges.

“Do you have a few minutes?” Joe asks. “I wanted to update you on the latest from the firm. Things have gotten interesting.”

“Oh? Well, yeah, actually, this is good timing for a few minutes.” Rava follows Joe into a nearby breakout room.

In the next set of buildings, Kendall knocks on his brother’s door.

“Rome? It’s me. Rava said- you wanted me to come.”

Shiv opens the door.

“Hey,” she says mirthlessly. Her expression looks like she’s been to war.

“Hey,” Kendall says, uncertainly giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Everything, uh..?”

“It’s pretty bad. He’s in there.” She indicates the bathroom.

“Should I-?”

“Sure, take a shot,” Shiv answers. She sits on the bed with her head in her hands, taking a moment before she reaches for the snifter of brandy on the nightstand. Kendall will handle her next. He walks into the bathroom and beholds Roman in a cloud of steam from the shower examining his face in the mirror, wrapped in a huge white robe. It’s far too big for him and Kendall could swear he still looks like the scared little kid he used to comfort.

“Hey,” Kendall starts. “Rava told me you- uh-“ He looks more closely at his face in the mirror. “Fuck. Wow. He’s such a piece of shit. Come here, let me see.” Roman reluctantly turns toward Kendall and lets him look.

“It was an accident. Whatever,” Roman tries.

“Rome,” Kendall stops him. He can see that his little brother’s eyes are red. He looks at Roman’s mouth.

“Where’s the-“

Roman gestures to the tooth on the counter. Kendall drags his hands over his face.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” he says.

“Would you stop? I don’t- it’s fine.” Kendall puts his arm around Roman and he lets it happen for a moment.

“Your wife tried this shit too. I said she’s just used to a weaker man who needs it.”

Kendall smiles at him.

“Sure,” he says, allowing the dig. Picturing Rava taking care of Roman in such an awful, lonely moment makes him ache for her. “Rome, you know none of that was okay. I’m gonna go talk to him, I am.”

“Don’t fucking do that. It was nothing.”

“Hey. It wasn’t nothing,” Kendall says gently. Roman seems to relax a few muscles and Kendall leaves his hand on his shoulder. “You okay?” Roman shrugs. “You’re going to be okay.” He looks at Roman’s eyes as he looks away and makes a face. “Yeah?”

“Whatever, yeah.” Roman finally answers. “Yeah. I’m glad you could take time out of your busy schedule of ruining our family’s company to come here,” Roman attempts to spit out.

“Uh huh. Me too.”

“Are you even going to defend yourself?”

“Today? No.”

Roman rolls his eyes.

“Go talk to Shiv. And just- don't talk to Dad today."

Kendall pats his shoulder and nods reluctantly. He walks back out where Shiv is sitting with her knees up leaning back against the headboard with a nearly-empty glass. To him, she’s eight years old again, looking to him to explain why their brother won’t come out of his room.

“Hey,” he sits on the bed near her.

She takes a shallow breath in and stares at the bed.

“It was my fault. So. There you go.”

“Shiv-“ he says.

“No, it was. I said ‘dinosaur cull,’ he hit our brother.”

“It’s never your fault,” he echoes one of his early therapists. “I- I mean, you know that.” He can’t quite help himself. “I might have phrased the- dinosaur thing differently, but- but it doesn’t matter. This?” He gestures toward the bathroom door. “This is not your fault.” She glances at him and back down at the bed, takes a long sip. He leans away from the smell and she puts it down.

“Sorry,” she says, back to avoiding his gaze.

“No, if I could I would. Believe me.” She nods and he reaches for her hand and holds it. “If you don’t want to go to the dinner tonight, you don’t have to.”

“Oh, sure, you would love that,” she says, grabbing a pillow and holding it. “But of course, you have to go, because if you missed a night of bullshit, you might die.”

“Shiv. Come on.” He hates that she’s a little bit right. But he means it when he asks, “Do you want me to stay here? I will.”

She shakes her head.

“No, no. You go. I’ll be there.”

Kendall looks concerned.

“Well- what about-“ he indicates the closed door.

Shiv shrugs.

“I texted Connor. He said he’s going to call him.”

“I mean, sure, Roman’s not going to answer, but-“

Roman walks out of the room on the phone and dramatically shushes them.

“Can you stop talking about me, I’m on a call,” he snaps sarcastically. He walks into the second bedroom of the suite and shuts the French doors loudly.

“You think?” Kendall asks. Shiv raises her eyebrows.

“I guess so!” They sit for a moment of quiet.

“So, back to the shitshow?” Shiv asks. They share a guilty moment of being the ones who love the drama. Kendall nods and sends a text to Connor.

Thanks bro. Back in the city day after tomorrow. Come over for dinner?

Kendall and Shiv walk out of the hallway together into the room full of people, which has quickly started turning into a cocktail party. Kendall looks around for Rava and sees her on the balcony walking out of a breakout room with a man he doesn’t recognize. He nods up at them.

“Hey, who is that?” he asks Shiv.

“Oh, that’s Rava’s side piece. Sorry you had to find out this way,” she teases.

“Uh huh. Okay,” he nods.

“You’re so jealous. You wish you had a relationship like mine,” she tucks her hair behind her ear. Kendall watches as she notices Tom talking to another woman on the other side of the balcony and clocks her disgruntled face.

“Yeah? And how is the perfect marriage going?” he asks. “He tell you what he knew before the article came out?”

She rolls her eyes because she can’t answer that and they walk away from each other.

Kendall climbs the stairs to meet Rava.

“Hey,” he greets her.

She slips her arm around his waist and he dips his head toward her. She makes him want to leave the party and go lie in bed with her watching something funny on tv.

“Hi, baby.” She uses pet names when he might be more anxious than usual. “How’s Roman?” she asks.

“Uh, he’s…” he shakes his head. “I dunno. He seemed okay. He was on the phone with Connor when we left.”

“Are you sure it’s a good idea that you leave him alone?”

“Well, not alone. With Connor, sort of.” Rava raises her eyebrows and he acknowledges that she’s right. “I’ll go check on him before dinner.” He looks up and sees the same man strolling the hall. “Who’s that?”

“It’s Joe from the firm that took Tony Trume’s case! They found a bunch of information. They’ve got management names, company info, they’re working on tracking the company’s history, which is basically impossible, but they’re magicians. I learned so much just from being in there. I think I’m going in their New York office next week.”

“Company history. Gotta be careful when that starts coming out,” Kendall notes.

“Yeah, can’t say I’m hearing great compliments about the Roys tonight,” she says.

He sighs.

“Yeah, and I can’t imagine it’ll get much better at dinner. You good if we-“

“Leave early? My favorite,” Rava smiles.

“Okay,” he chuckles. “Good.”

…..

“Permission to never board?” the comedian calls out.

Stewy looks at Rava and snickers. Rava knows Kendall’s emotional fallout would be worse if she joined in, so she privately gives Stewy an amused look and lets it turn into a grimace at the distasteful joke. Everyone takes a second to look for Logan’s reaction at the next table. Stoic. Unmoved. No one’s surprised.

Shiv leans over to Kendall.

“Did you talk to Roman again?”

“Yeah,” he whispers back. “Well, sort of, he just told me to fuck off so I came here.”

She shrugs.

“Then he’s probably fine,” she says. They look at each other. “But I’ll go back after this is over. I had to come to dinner. Can’t be seen being a bad sport and not showing up,” she says as she straightens her jacket. Just then, Logan gets up from his table and storms out, seemingly following Nan Pierce out the door. Kendall and Shiv turn in their chairs to stare after him.

“Or maybe you can be a bad sport. What the fuck?” Shiv whispers. Suddenly she realizes their conspiratorial camaraderie is not appropriate. “Actually- no. You know what? We are not talking about this. Why are you even at this table?”

“Why are you at my table?” Kendall counters. “I don’t see you being invited to that one.” He gestures to the one Logan had left.

“Fuck you, I wasn’t even supposed to go to this stupid thing.”

“Kind of making my point,” he says. She looks away from him. “Shivvy, you’ll join my side eventually,” Kendall grins.

She gives him a look and turns her attention back to the comedian, who has finally moved on to others.

Once the performance has wound down, Rava looks questioningly at Kendall and he nods. They get up to go and say their goodbyes to everyone at the table. Stewy rolls his eyes dramatically.

“Ugghhh, you’re going to bed at- what is it, like ten o’clock? Drink three? Rava, can you make him stop being so fucking boring?”

“Can I make you stop pretending you’re twenty-two?” she asks playfully.

“Age is just a number. On a bank account in Geneva.” He gestures to the server that he wants another drink. A voice pops up behind Stewy.

“Yeahhh, I thought only women had ages.” Roman gives everyone a confused look as he sits down at the table. “Men just have bank accounts that get bigger. Right, Shiv?”

She smiles for a millisecond before it turns to a scowl.

“Look how delighted she is to see me.”

Kendall relaxes a little and doesn’t see Gerri’s long concerned look at Roman from Logan’s table.

“Glad you’re here, bro,” Kendall says. He looks at Rava hesitatingly. She nods graciously and sits back down. He scoots his chair closer to hers.

“Are you kidding?” Roman says loudly enough to be heard at the next table. “Wouldn’t miss this shit-fest. Someone just texted me that Dad and Nan are yelling at each other outside. I heard it was a must-see event.” Gerri takes a sip of her martini as she stands up.

Kendall tries not to smile at the welcome news of their argument, but he knows what that means. He glances down at his phone and opens a text from Connor.

Roman’s doing all right. And yes. I’ll come to dinner.

Rava taps him to look up for a second as Gerri walks by with Frank, now deep in conversation. Kendall leans toward them to try to eavesdrop. He only catches a few words from Gerri’s forceful whisper, but they’re enough.

“…Logan… losing it?”

[lauvra]

I have a journal document specifically to complain and write my worst thoughts and feelings in childish angsty language and I have copied the first few lines from most of them here because why shouldn't we all suffer? Even sharing a single line from these massive lengthy sook sessions are way too revealing of how SHIT THINGS HAVE BEEN FOR SO LONG NOW. We endure. 7/05/2022 Saturday. My chest hurts, my first feeling every day when I wake up is fear...

20-05-2022 All I want is cosmetic surgery to fix my appearance...

21-05-2022 ... which leaves me with $5 to my name until Thursday. That’s five days, no money. I want to work myself up to going to a pawn shop today...

18/06/2022 11:39AM. ...typical for me to smoke three on the way to work, a quick forth in the back dock, one on my tea, two on my meal, another one on my second tea and then three again on the walk home. Those don’t even mention the many had at home while preparing for work and the many many had once I reach home... ...began as a rebellious expression of freedom... ...has become a full blown addiction that runs my life...

12/07/2022 ...I don’t even want to talk to Ben anymore because he’s so much better than I am or ever will be and...

26/07/22 The way my mood fluctuates so much in a day breeds a sort of magnificent denial which helps me in the short term. Just now my intention was to document how well I’ve been doing, to note my lack of suffering... forgetting entirely that I’ve been consistently late for work, neglected my finances and rarely eat during the day. Forgot about how hard it was to leave the house yesterday because I felt hideous enough the whole community would notice if I did... 25-08-22 Mostly I think about him and money... 7/09/2022 When I’m in the shower I write the best journal entries then I sit down to relay it but it’s garbage... 9/09/2022 It’s Friday, 12:30pm. I texted into work sick again, they were cool about it... 14/09/22 ...I haven’t occupied a moment in his mind and it would be easy to fall into a shame spiral about how much space he has taken in mine… ...I’m in bed and tired but wanted to make sure I vented even badly so that I could wake up with a little more of myself chiselled out. I want simple things, I want grand things. I want to write every single day until something good comes out. I want to paint every day until something good comes out. I don’t want to need some adversarial motivation to take risks or succeed but maybe there will always be a little piece of me that wants to say ‘oh yeah?'...

22/09/22 There’s this tangible feeling out there today of togetherness, the people in the streets reach out to one another. There’s potential...

29/09/2022 I thought I was going to work today. I had planned to, or no plan not to. But I slept in, then slept instead. The longer I did the worse I felt. Heavy. An unmovable object in my bed. Penny pecked and licked her sandpaper tongue over my cheek, nipped then scratched and dug in deep and still I laid...

1/10/2022 ... Why does painting feel so empty? Why does the music feel so empty? Why does writing feel so empty? 16/10/22 I had my first session with the psychologist yesterday... 8/11/22 I know I’m not ‘too far gone’, but I worry... 24/11/2022 The past makes me feel pretty stupid, but more than that, addressing the fact I spent two years of my life getting over one relationship is seriously disturbing to me... 29/11/2022 D messaged me yesterday saying that I treat him like dog shit, that he’s done and doesn’t want to be friends anymore. It honestly felt like a relief... 1/12/22 I’m not sure I’ll ever feel comfortable journaling hand-written into books again... 24/02/2023 I still don’t feel comfortable journaling traditionally... 28/03/2023 6:58PM My work contract is now to start at 10am and finish at 6pm... 8/09/2023 My chest hurts...

16/09/2023 ...I need to change because I can’t think or write or translate what’s in my head, and that’s what’s important to me... 21/09/2023 I decided to move back home to the sunshine coast today. I’ve had complete decision paralysis for a long time, the longest time... 25/09/2023 Nevermind, lol. God it’s humiliating to be a person. Forget everything I said about moving ‘home’; there’s no home...

22/02/2024 If I died today, then I died speaking only my native language...

5/03/2024 I’ve written or brain-dumped in some form every single day since 2021...

10/04/2024 “Money always removes the charge of insanity.” ...

[eomma-jpeg]

Fir the unusual asks!! BTS and perspective flip of your choosing for in the meadow!

you won't be up for a few more hours, but I finished this just barely and I've got a busy schedule today so here you go!

ty for sending this I seriously had sm fun

want to send in an unusal ask? here are the prompts !

BTS: I’ll write a DVD commentary about my personal favorite passage from in the meadow

The bench !!!

Okay, since I know you enjoy the bench scene in chapter 8, squid, I decided to go back and see what I remembered. I’m gonna do a kind of play by play to stick with the DVD commentary theme, starting at the final chunk when Milly recaps her daily routine (after the Roberto altercation).

So, because this hasn’t come much into play yet, but the line:

“Milly was relieved she wouldn’t have to shoulder all that work herself.”

Was super intentional. It is kind of a character choice I made for Milly in this story, but she takes on responsibility that isn’t hers, and we’ll see this later in the story.

This section and chapter in general is where I introduced that the boys heal really quickly, and I do wish to this day that I had included more plant stuff, but i’ve also decided its never too late to introduce the cosmic horror or just pretty wings into the story

Oh my gosh i forgot how much of a brat I made knives in the beginning. He’s so scared and angry and of course he’s gonna take it out on Milly, but he’s also going to hold back because of that fear…. What a silly little traumatized man.

I loved writing Milly as she just got so excited when Knives would do ANYTHING. He’s moving? Perfect. He’s speaking in full sentences? Perfect. He’s looking me in the eye? PERFECT.

 Another character building line!

“…but Milly was trained in the art of reading expressions–a byproduct of being the mediator in her large family.”

So much happens in just two weeks time GEEZ

I think I could have done better at explaining how Milly feels about Knives’ personal crises. She’s so observant and has known the whole time that he’s suffering, but she had to put that fixing aside in favor of him gaining his strength back.

I think Milly has some anxiety that she has learned how to process well over the years, but its kind of manifested in weird habits (specifically popping her knuckles)

I really like this line vvv

“Milly could have screamed in frustration, but the tension surrounding them was so thick it probably would have silenced her.”

I also still think this line is hilarious, because at this moment, Milly is NOT thinking about Vash at all. During their physical therapy sessions she hardly notices him, except when Knives is being a little brat or when Milly goes to leave

“The ability to work his own muscles was a relief to both Milly and Knives. And Vash, she guessed.”

Milly is always watching, always learning, and always observing others for information. She may not do anything with it, but I think her upbringing had her kind of mediating her siblings and her nieces and nephews. This just resulted in her being able to read anyone, and gave her the ability to watch without being noticed. That way, she can see that Mr. “I can’t hold a poker face to save my life” Knives for what he truly is.

I was laying in bed when I thought of this scene, and i just loved the idea of powerful strongwoman Milly Thompson absolutely overpowering Millions Knives simply because he let himself wither away in self loathing, and she is determined to fix that.

And i liked the idea of him flailing and cursing her out for being nice. 

So I did base the cilantro bit off of personal experience. My mom grew cilantro in her garden earlier this year and informed me that after they go to seed they just go crazy, and anytime I would go into the yard and the wind would blow, it smelt SO MUCH LIKE CILANTRO IT WAS CRAZY. Apologies to those who have the bad cilantro gene!

“What…” his voice was soft, reluctant, “What is that smell?”

Oooo! This is the first time Knives truly addresses her!

Oh my gosh I forgot about this… its not important but its kind of a nice world building thing I could keep referencing.

“Her father was the resident composter, taking their food scraps and monitoring their decomposing process in his–admittedly gorgeous–enclosed composting system.”

Hehehe apple tree apple tree

I kind of have a rotation in my brain for the apple tree. They have four harvests every year, and the apple tree is fruiting every other time.

Oh gosh I just made my heart skip reading their conversation, i’m so silly about my own fic.

Cheesy dumb silly line that i love so much

“Besides, sunshine is one of the best medicines”

So I think I mentioned this when squid drew me that lovely and perfect and beautiful drawing of Knives and Milly at the end of this chapter, but I had this moment planned from the beginning. In my mind, it was the first step in Knives being like “Hey, I just had a human provide SOME genuine emotional care for me since Rem, and it feels weird”. Its that turning point, or at least the beginning of something.

Perspective Flip: I’ll write a scene from in the meadow from another character’s point-of-view

Oh geez, uuhh Vash carrying Meryl to bed in chapter 19 but from Meryl's perspective 

Meryl went from uncomfortably half-asleep with her cheek pressed against her seat's headrest, to snuggling against what she considered to be the perfect pillow. She wasn't sure what it was made of or how it got below her head, but it was solid and warm, and she could hear a faint but steady heartbeat beneath. Meryl knew then that she'd never find anything better.

And then, she was moving. 

It was slow, careful movement, but she could feel it nonetheless. She didn't mind it, the gentle breeze was welcome and whatever was carrying her had her wrapped up securely in its grasp, strong arms supporting her back and underneath her knees. She leaned into the pillow, the starchy fabric rubbing against her cheek, and she hummed quietly. 

It was overwhelming, the powerful hold sleep had on her. It felt like sand from the dunes was rolling over her, blown in with a hot Eastern wind. Meryl wasn't forming any coherent thoughts to begin with, and the newfound bed she was in was providing her with all the right circumstances to insure it stayed that way.

Her careful ears swore they heard some strange creaks, but Meryl opted to focus on that heartbeat from earlier. It resonated with her own, the two patterns matching and keeping time together. Meryl couldn't help but smile. 

That final crest of sleep was ready to crash over her when one of the steady limbs beneath her shifted, knocking her out of that blissful state. Meryl whined at the change, then a gentle voice from above calmed her, luring her back into peaceful rest with a gentle brush of warm air. She immediately complied, her beloved pillow providing solace.

Finally, she had stopped moving. Her mystery mode of transportation had ended its journey and Meryl chose this as the perfect opportunity to finally surrender completely. Nuzzling into her cradle, Meryl didn't bother with smells or touch (except that this warm pseudo-bed smelled just like home), she just allowed all of her muscles to relax as sleep beckoned her fully. In return, her place of rest squeezed tighter around her, and Meryl felt her chest warm, desperate to keep it this way forever. 

It was starting to get annoying, but right as she nearly descended into unconsciousness, the warmth was disappearing, being pulled away from her. That beloved pillow no longer cradled her head.

No no no

Her sleep addled brain had enough cognizance to reach out, and Meryl grasped at whatever she could. Finding purchase in some stiff, wrinkled fabric, Meryl knew the feel: it was her pillow, and she held tight. Pulling with all her might, Meryl figured it would've been easy. She was small, but she was strong, and she wanted to go back. She wanted to return to whatever had been holding her so carefully, whatever had cradled her in its arms.

Then, it was warm again, the heat returning as something brushed her cheek and the edge of her ear.

"You need to go to sleep in a bed, Meryl," a voice whispered, a familiar voice.

A very familiar voice.

Why did she need to sleep in a bed when Vash was right here? He was perfect for her to curl up into, and he was more comforting than any actual bed she'd ever slept in. She tried again to pull into his chest, but it was a futile effort; she was weak against the powerful force of sleep and Vash's wishes for her.

Relenting her grasp, Meryl nearly felt like crying as the warmth of his body completely disappeared, separated by a quilt that might as well have been a brick wall between them. Meryl did, however, enjoy the plush feeling of a real pillow beneath her head. Her bed began to adjust to her weight, sinking and molding to her frame, but Meryl couldn't help but miss the way that Vash's arms were already the perfect size. 

Meryl tried to sleep, tried to welcome those waves to wash over and drag her into oblivion, but it wouldn't come.

Then, grateful she hadn't succumbed, a hand--his hand--ran through her hair. Relief flooded her at the barest touch, the return of his natural heat soothing her so completely. Meryl sighed, her heart rate calming.

Sometime poked her mind, something that had bothered her before she slept, but she couldn't remember what.

His hand pulled away, and Meryl wanted to scream, demand he put it back, but her body was unwilling. Instead, she focused all of her remaining mental energy on that thought, the one that she had forgotten. 

Oh.

Her voice was creaky, sleepy sounding as she attempted her question, "Hey, Vash?"

Silence followed, and Meryl feared that he had already left. Desperate to peek, her eyelids were so heavy, and anything she tried to see was just shades of darkness.

Finally, he answered, "Yeah, Meryl?"

She wanted to smile, show she was glad he was still nearby, "Did you miss me?"

Another pause.

"Yeah," he replied quietly, "I did."

Something akin to satisfaction filled Meryl as she finally let go of all connection to consciousness. 

"Knew it."

[notquitecanon]

Do you do scenarios or headcanons? If so, how many characters can we request for scenarios or headcanons? Would you do the same prompt with different characters? Can we request for male reader, female reader, gender neutral reader, etc? Other than Astarion, are there any characters from Baldur's Gate 3 you would write? Are there any topics you won't do like rape, suicide, etc? Do you do poly ships x reader? Would you mind if we request for Alternate Universes or Aus like AU where the character lives happily? Would you mind if the request is suggestive, implied sex, or mentioned sex but no explicit sex? Would you do NSFW requests? For Baldur's Gate 3 requests, would you mind if we don't specify the race/class to leave it ambiguous or if we ask specify the race/class like human/healer? What kinks would you accept for requests? Thank you in advance!

Honestly, I’ve just never had those kind of requests on here. I also am very bad about answering requests bc my brain is a goblin with a pencil who is very picky about what sparks my interest enough to push past the usual fog of writers block. But funny enough I used to run a Star Wars fanfic blog so I do have answers to these questions:

1.) I’m not opposed to doing scenarios/ head canons! Sometimes doing them is what sparks a full fic or it’s just fun to slow down and enjoy imagining things!

As for how many, to prevent burn out I’ll probs stick to 2 or 3 characters at a time. If someone requests more than 3, I’d probs pick the 3 that I had the better ideas for / knew the characters better

2.) Requesting different gendered readers. Full transparency, I’m a cisgender woman.

I feel most knowledgeable writing feminine presenting characters, as I can use my own experiences! That being said, I do write things to be gender neutral and can do that on request. As for writing for a male reader, I’m open to trying! It’s not in my realm of experience nor have I done it before, but if I got the right request, I’d be happy to try! (I just don’t want to not write to my usual standards and I especially don’t want to offend anyone because of my lack of knowledge!)

3.) I’ll write for any of the romanceable characters, except Minthara (haven’t been able to recruit her yet so I don’t know her)

I’m more likely to write for characters that I’m most attracted to such as Astarion, Halsin, Karlach, Gale, and Lae’zel.

4.) I won’t write graphic depictions of rape or suicidal. I will use mentions of trauma / mental health struggles in my writing, and I always mention them in my TW section. Not so much a problem in this phantom, but I also don’t write incest. Or inappropriate age gaps.

5.) I have never written a polyamorous relationship, but I’d be open to trying with the right prompt/request. I have a lot of love to go around, so I think I can do this.

6.)  when it comes to AU’s I mostly try to keep it in universe, and I will do what I call fix it fics. That way if the work I am trying to do takes place after the end of game, I can still have all my little guys because I refuse to believe that there’s not a happy ending for everybody. And if there isn’t one, I will create one. But I don’t really do coffee shop they use or flower shop use or anything that takes them out of the world that they are in.

7.) at the moment, I don’t write outright smut. It’s not because I don’t want to or can’t, I just don’t think I’m very good at it. I will use mentions of sex, heavy-handed, make out sessions, and honestly pretty much everything right up until the point of actual sex. So you request smut, but I might not be as quick to answer those others. Personally, I find the tension leading up to this smut the fun part to write and read.

8.) as for race/class of BG3 readers, I will try to keep it, usually fairly and ambiguous. Though, how I have written everything that I have written, even though I’ve only posted one thing, I, based all of my writing off how I played the game personally. So, if you have something specific in mind, you’ll have to specify in the request, or I will default to what I usually do. (Reference I love playing Rangers. They are my favorite, so I have knowledge of nature, survival and some medicinal skills) 

9.) as for kinks, I accept, I will accept anything in the ask box, even if I don’t write it. no kink shaming here as long as the kinks don’t fall under any of the things that I don’t write, which are listed in the above points

Thank you for asking, and being so respectful about my writing! I really appreciate it and hope that you request something :) 

Disclaimer, I hope everything that is written in this makes sense, I’m using voice to text as I do something else.

[brynnmclean]

I was tagged in a first-lines-of-fic meme by @eisoj5​!  I’m pretty sure I’ve done this before (can’t remember my tag), but it’s been a long time!

Rules: share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. If you have written fewer than ten, don’t be shy and share anyway!

Tagging: @ladytharen, @rain-sleet-snow, @dwarveslikeshinythings, @niennawept, @allatariel, @incognitajones, @aadmelioraa, @moriondors, @heymacareyna, and @moonatoms!  And like Josie did once, I’m saying it’s totally cool if you post the first lines of chapters instead of separate fics.  Also no pressure, obviously! <3

My first lines under the cut!  I’m partial to #9 for some Current Project reasons.

1. late night arrival - May 2019, Rogue One, 1k, complete

Their transport arrives late back on base, late enough that Jyn isn’t surprised there’s no one waiting to meet her in the hangar. Melshi nudges her when he catches her looking around out of habit and tells her Cassian probably got told to stop hovering around like a grim-faced shadow, which earns him a solid punch in the arm. She pulls it, but Melshi makes a show of wincing and shoving her away with a huff of laughter.

2. guilt goes away if you let it -  January 2020, Rogue One Black Sails AU, 500+, the start of a Ficlet Collection because I don’t write long fics but I do have ideas that take up residence in my brain

The letters feel hot beneath his coat, even through his shirt, the inner pocket fabric, and the protective leather keeping Galen’s words safe from the water.

3. it was inevitable - January 2020, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, 200+ ficlet in a collection so technically complete

Finn wakes up after Starkiller and knows what he has to do.

4. before the fords - May 2020, Rogue One LotR Grey Company AU, 400+ ficlet in a collection… who knows if I’ll write a full separate AU fic, but I do love the idea!

The night was dark and cold, the full moon shrouded by clouds, but the Company rode together and rode hard as they had through the many leagues from the Angle onward to… wherever they were now, Jyn thought, exhaustion weighing her down in her saddle.  They had thought Halbarad would have called for a rest a ways back, but Chirrut had urged Baze to bring the two of them up beside their Chieftain’s Second so that he could pass on news up ahead.

5. first flush of hope to carry the grey away - May 2020, Rogue One, 1k, complete

It goes bad fast, the way it sometimes does in a city ready to blow, a match flicked on a trail of fuel and sparking the firefight.  Cassian dodges the first punch aimed for his face, but takes a hit from a glass someone throws at his back, and chaos descends where there could have been something else—not clean, nothing is clean in this grimy cantina full of shadows and sharp teeth and knives—that’s a knife in that informant’s hand, the blade catching the light as it arches toward Cassian and slices into his side.

6. far from a hearth-fire - November 2020, Brothers of the Wild North Sea which is a slash romance novel that I devoured, saw there was no fic for, and then decided I needed to fix that!!! 2k, complete

The dream came to him again, the one of the warrior in the storm. Fenrir stumbled out of the angry Sea, his arms reaching for the man beside him, dragging him onto the shore. Rán’s fury howled in waves crashing onto rocks, but Fenrir knew in the drumbeat of his heart that the man clutching him back, shuddering with cold and yet warm with life—that man was his to steal from her, his to hold.

7. the far away shore - November 2020, Brothers of the Wild North Sea, 2k, complete

“So,” Tekla said, setting a heavy tankard of ale down next to Fenrir and then thunking down onto the dock beside him. “Who is he?”

8. I took a break from writing fic through basically all of 2021, but that was because a ton of my creative energy was going to my Akallabêth TTRPG Campaign.  Anyway, I’m going to cheat a little and do a quote from the first scene of Session #7 (out of 35 and counting!) from May 2021 which was when I think things really began to click in for my players.  I have all these titles and headers for my notes / recaps and this section was called “Sails & Sea-Monsters”.  The whole session overall was called “The Whale & the Corsair”.  I write little bits of prose to set up a scene, so here are the first two sentences:

Morning arrives with the rolling of fog along the Sea, a hazy cloud blanketing the ship.  It’s gloomy and oppressive, heavy veils shifting through the sails, the wind lifting the canvas but failing to bring more than a vague glow of sunlight.

9. fell in love with the fire long ago - last updated December 2022, Silmarillion / Rings of Power Uncorrupted Mairon AU, 11k (!), my current project and WIP that I am calling a ficlet collection so that I don’t scare myself out of writing a long fic

Mairon goes when the storms subside, when Ulmo sends word to the other Valar that he and Uinen have brought Ossë back. He doesn’t tell Aulë why he leaves the Forge early, but some measuring glow in the Smith’s golden eyes tells Mairon he knows Mairon's mind. He sees the dark corners of his heart.

10. grant a name to a buried flame - February 2023, Silmarillion / Rings of Power Uncorrupted Mairon AU, 3k, complete

“Well, I can’t fault your taste,” Mablung says, swiping the flask of wine from Celeborn’s hands and taking a healthy pull. Celeborn scowls half because he’d been saving that, damn it, and half because he knows Mablung doesn’t mean his taste in wine.

[bellevvalencia]

All things considered

When I think about how I’m right here, right now, still laughing and feeling and trying, I think about the innate mechanism of humans that alert them on what they need to do to survive.

You live to fight another day.

There was no time to think. In March, I was jammed into the team’s most complicated system that I had to get within a week. I was coming in at 8 and leaving at 8. I had been juggling operations that I barely understood in one hand, and my dev work that was way far from the finish line in my other hand. It was just not enough.

In April, I went to three different funerals in three weeks. I was sad and numb and stressed. It was also scary how more accepting I have become about death, both actual and make-believe. (Because, like many of us, I assume, I have relatives who are fucking dead to me). I was on the road most of the time, balancing the responsibilities I have at work and at home on the tip of my nose, while indulging on the side with my best friends.

It’s probably why in May, oh my God, in May, I just felt high. Like nothing matters anymore and I can be anything. I was a shapeshifter. I was Belle and Belly and Andrea all at the same time. I fixed and broke. I stayed silent and laughed aloud. I came and went. I took on anything and killed it.

But the moment I sat down with a one-on-one with Rafa, my infamous 24-year-old supervisor, I realized I had the same problem that I had three months ago, back when I felt way less at-home at the office.

“Have a point-of-view,” he said. “Write that down.”

I couldn’t give him anything - not a want or a need or a direction. I could only tell him that I’m okay and I like what I’m doing, and I could only ask him to give me three more months to figure it out. Figuring out a clear view of what I want to do is such a pain in my ass. Everyone knows I’ve always been like this. In high school, in college, all I’ve ever known was I’d take anything that I could get, simply because my reality is I didn’t grow up with a dream.

I wanted life to be simple. Happy with my family and friends, and able to spend time with them as long as I can.

All things considered, everything’s turning out well. I sat on a coaching session one slow Monday with Jerome, our CEO, and when I told him that my stressor was that I had no idea what to chase after, he cut me off almost immediately.

“Got it. Nobody truly knows what they want.”

I smiled, glimpsing at Rafa then, because it felt validating, like I was right to feel that way, at 22. Although it also felt bad, because I knew it would be more work for him, helping this stupid fresh grad create her own point-of-view. Some people won’t ever have this problem. They’d know what the hell they wanted to do. Most importantly, this shouldn’t even be a concern for Rafa, for someone else. And yet, because we’re a tight, neurotic team, it is.

If you think about it, it’s a concern mostly for me, but is it weird that I’m not that bothered?

It’s too bad I don’t have enough time to think, then.

All things considered, everything’s turning out well. Can you believe they gave me a fucking raise? I still don’t know if I deserve it. What did I even do? I just did what everyone told me to! It’s always so hard to find grace when you don’t have the time to think. Maybe someday, in three more months, along with a point-of-view, I’ll figure it out.

Everyone is lying when they say college is the hardest part. It’s not. Leaving college is the hardest part. You’re starting anew. You’re making your own choices. No profs to pick, no grades to get. Hell, if you want, you can pretty much just stop. It’s what makes it so scary. The world becomes your oyster. You can do anything. And yet, you can’t. You can never do it all. Nobody truly knows what they want. The only way through is to accept it, live with it. You can never live up to your expectations, even though you don’t know what those expectations are.

That’s how you know you’re doing well. Even though you will never ever believe that.

It’s just how it is for people like us.

So I guess, when I think about today, all things considered: complicated systems, death, life, responsibilities, indulgement, missing directions, and tree-tall highs and ocean-deep lows...I think about how the hell everything is turning out pretty well.

[elytrafemme]

good things that have happened today:

1) kid at my school sometimes sings while everyone is getting dismissed from the cafeteria to go to their class; i don’t hear him often because we have different lunch blocks but today he sang thinking out loud by ed sheeran (i think) and he has the most beautiful fucking voice it’s incredibly resonant and gorgeous and it made me smile a lot

2) i tried out a nasal spray and it actually fixed a lot of my allergy issues. i’m still dealing with a lot of fatigue but what was bothering me most WAS the nasal congestion and that’s pretty much all better already! :D

3) a bunch of kind people have sent me asks and i don’t know if i’ll answer all of them but i will keep them forever . it’s nice knowing that there are people out there who are so supportive of others even if they aren’t like incredibly close to them. like some of the most supportive people out there will be strangers and acquaintances and i think it’s beautiful to think we live in a world in which there are so many more people who will cheer us on than we realize

4) my friend said my name earlier and it’s a very grounding session hearing it in his voice so that was really really lovely 

5) my teacher told his kids about a funny thing one of the students in our class said and his kids found it funny

6) someone in my choir class’ sister had a baby :D her first one 

7) my math test went pretty okay :] 

8) my mom didn’t pressure me with my appetite but is trying to help me out instead and that’s really kind of her; it’s a decency thing but sometimes decency is nice to see in general

9) my college recommendation teachers have been really kind to me even though i’m a bit backed up in doing things

10) we’re all still here and i think that’s enough to make things good, yeah?

[abubblingcandle]

Augusnippets Masterpost 2024

See here for the list of all 31 @augusnippets from this year's challenge! This was a hell of a lot of fun to do and caused me to bang out over 31k in a month which was wild to say the least.

Links to all of the fics and their summaries under the cut. Here is the AO3 Collection

Day 1 - Brainwashing - Lingering Rules Ch1

Jamie was loving this whole therapy thing. Time to just talk about himself ... amazing! Until Dr Fieldstone starts asking questions about his childhood.

Day 2 - Platonic Bathing - Misery Vanquished by Company

Dani hates being injured. He hates how lonely it makes him to see all his friends going out and doing fun things. This time his friends bring the fun things to him.

Day 3 - Thunderstorm - Too Close For Comfort

“I’ve got him.” “Are you …” “I’ve got him. You are fine Jamie. It didn’t hit you. But you are very wet. Let’s get inside where it’s dry. I’ve got you. Yes let’s hold on. I’ll get you inside I promise. I’ve got you.”

Day 4 - Stalking - The Butter is Gone Ch1

Will never thought he would have to defend attacks from his own team but the Project Tennebrae reveal tore everything apart. He runs. Before Donovan can do anything to stop him he runs. But his head hurts. He doesn't really know where he is. All he knows his he needs to run. AU where Jensen doesn't die but not everything ends up ok when Donovan's murder fails

Day 5 - Feverish Caretaking - Humour Him

Jensen is the one that needs looking after as he hurries around the crib sweating buckets. But Jensen himself is more concerned with making sure Wyatt isn't going to bleed out ... everybody else knows that Wyatt isn't going to bleed out

Day 6 - Relapse - A Surprisingly Effective Punishment Ch1

Jamie will always stumble back into the open jaws of his father. It's like gravity pulling him back into the toxic orbit. He can take whatever abuse his dad throws at him but when it corrupts, hurts his friends. That is the worst part.

Day 7 - Forced to Watch - A Surprisingly Effective Punishment Ch2

Jamie had curled into himself as much as he could to try and stay warm. His knees were tucked up to his chest, his free arm tucked under his jacket. All things considered this could be worse. He was an idiot to think that he could come over when his dad had been drinking and come out unscathed. He should have just gone out with the lads. That was his only real problem. He was sharing with Sam and Sam would likely be texting and ringing when he got in and Jamie wasn’t in bed. 

Day 8 - Reunion - Jamie and Not Jamie

“Is that Jamie?” Phoebe muttered with her mouth full of thunder and lightning ice cream. “Don’t speak with your mouth full, and of course it isn’t Jamie,” Roy scolded, not looking up from his phone even as Phoebe pulled on his sleeve. “It looks like him,” Phoebe continued yanking.

Day 9 - Hypothermia - A Cold Wet Tuesday Night In Stoke

A Cold Wet Tuesday Night In Stoke - an example of the worst of the worst conditions to play football in If you can play good football on a cold wet Tuesday night in Stoke then you can play good football anywhere. Dani did play good football that night, but he never wants to do it again!

Day 10 - Fake Execution - The Butter Is Gone Ch2

“Gracie. Gracie I’m sorry. It’s Donovan, she, she isn’t,” Jensen’s voice was ragged, like his vocal chords had been shredded with sandpaper. “Donovan is trying to kill me. You can’t let her get Idrisi and Lowry. It’s all a cover up, it’s all just been a cover up. Gracie, I love you. Fix this.” The audio cut out and the plastic of the phone creaked in protest of her grip. “Novin what is it?” Mac yelled as she dropped the phone. “It’s Donovan. Project Tennebrae is Donovan and Lowry. And she’s trying to kill Jensen because he knows.”

Day 11 - Breaking the Conditioning - Lingering Rules Ch2

Doctor Fieldstone was still focused on the list of rules they had talked about the session before. Jamie had tried to tell her that they didn’t matter and he hadn’t thought about them in years but she said that they were subcontractors so he was still relying on them to help him make decisions. And most importantly those decisions he was making weren’t the best decisions for his wellbeing.

Day 12 - Lost - The Butter Is Gone Ch3

Gracie didn't know where Will was Will didn't know where he was

Day 13 - Drugging - You're My Best Friend

The Greyhounds are out celebrating but there's something wrong with Jamie. He's being weirdly clingy and adorable?

Day 14 - Gifts - Roy Kent: The Greatest Hits

A lot of Roy's threat is diminished when he can't speak without coughing. Jamie comes up with a solution

Day 15 - Medical Complications - A Legacy of Pain

“Get Tartt’s Oscar ready,” Nate chuckled under his breath after the yellow had eventually been given. Roy froze, looking at the pitch for the first time. Jamie was still down. It was just a little check, far harder tackles had been taken in this match so far. It was just a little nudge. So why was Jamie still curled up in the foetal position clutching his arm.

Day 16 - Conditioning - Lingering Rules Ch3

Jamie had known that his dad wasn’t going to stay out of his life just because Jamie had fled Manchester with his tail between his legs. But Doctor Fieldstone didn’t approve of Jamie’s policy of appeasement, and he did not appreciate her using his research spiral against him by pointing out how badly that went for Neville Chamberlain. So they had been practicing what to do if James made a demand that Jamie did not want to fulfil. He had a book of phrases.

Day 17 - Resolving a Misunderstanding - Wait a Minute Mr Postman

Correspondence between Theodore Lasso (Manager of AFC Richmond) and Georgie Sutton (Manager of the Jamie Tartt fan club)

Day 18 - Protective Caretaker - It Worked Too Well

Jamie finds himself in hospital yet again and Keeley and Roy find out through a secondary source. Neither of them were called as Jamie's emergency contacts. So if it wasn't them ... then who was it?

Day 19 - Chipped - Cutting Ties

Napoleon always knew that this partnership with Illya would end with the Russian's blade at his neck, snarling at him to now move an inch. They first met when they were trying to kill each other and Illya had tried to choke him out in a bathroom. Not the best starting point for a wholesome partnership. But Napoleon didn't think he would be gripping onto the sink with a white knuckles tension, belt between his teeth and begging Illya psychically to just get on with it. 

Day 20 - Homemade Meal - When You Get What You Want (but not what you need)

Roy and Keeley's comments effect Jamie more than he realises which spurs him into an impulse decision. The impulse decision leads him to a homecooked meal with Sam Obisanya.

Day 21 - Delirium - Cracking the Code

“I’m fine,” Jamie growled, “passed your fucking tests didn’t I?” “I think we’ll let the professionals tell us that Jamie,” Ted scoffed. Jamie was flushed red, his eyes were flicking everywhere and there was already a solid bruise working it’s way to the surface on his cheekbone. “He passed all the tests.” “See Jamie … wait what?”

Day 22 - Captivity - The Teddy Bear (you take with you everywhere)

Roy looked after Jamie when Jamie was ill. It's only fair that he return the favour

Day 23 - Gentle Touch - A Surprisingly Effective Punishment Ch3

Because the only person who could stay and help Sam recover was the reason he was hurt. Jamie didn’t have anywhere to be. He had sprained his shoulder and damaged his wrist ligaments in trying to get out and to Sam and had at least a couple of weeks before Roy would let him anywhere near a football pitch. So he didn’t have anywhere else to be, he didn’t want to be anywhere else, but he also knew that he was the last person Sam would want anywhere near him right now.

Day 24 - Bear Trap - Cinematic Regrets

Roy comes home to the aftermath of one of the Greyhound film nights and doesn't do the greatest job at managing his team's fears

Day 25 - Flashbacks - Getting the Boot

Jamie had been working with Doctor Fieldstone on the things that his dad had ruined for him and that caused his panic attacks. But every so often he still accidentally stumbled on something that set off a memory he had forgotten about

Day 26 - Snuggling - Seat Buddies

Jan is perfectly happy sat on his own in the nerd seats of the bus but then Jamie comes along and changes everything

Day 27 - Phantom Pains - Making You Worse

Roy had always dreamt of meeting his soulmate. It was unlikely it would ever happen, he knew so many people that went their whole lives never finding their other half, never finding the answer to the mystery of where their phantom pain came from. Roy had a little book documenting everything that his seemingly trouble prone younger soulmate went through. He was always getting bruises and into trouble and scrapes but Roy couldn’t help but think of it fondly. That adventurous nature was a part of the person that one day would be his. But he didn’t think about it going the other way. He never really thought about the impression he would give to his young heart. The aches and strains from full days at training, the bruises and delayed pain that came after an inebriated evening. The surgeries and destruction he was putting his knee through. Until he couldn’t avoid thinking about it.

Day 28 - Betrayal - The Butter Is Gone Ch4

Will was trapped. Donovan had betrayed him and their team. She had stranded him and now no one believed him. His team could be dead. He could be trapped here forever.

Day 29 - Wearing Caretakers Clothes - Lingering Rules Ch4

"My dad, when I started getting noticed he started being round a lot more and like coaching me on the nights and stuff. He had these expectations of what I need to do to be a good son or a good footballer or sommet," Jamie explained, still staring at the failed attempts at a croquembouche while he bared his soul. 

Day 30 - Self Harm - Lingering Rules Ch5

“It’s his prerogative if he wants to get a little extra work out in,” Ted shrugged, and kicked his feet up onto the desk. Ted was right, but Beard was too. Roy couldn’t look away from Jamie, straining and pushing his body to the limit on a random Tuesday. “I think he’s hurting himself,” Beard added and the temperature in the room plummeted.

Day 31 - Tearful Goodbye - I Can't Come To The Phone Right Now

Gracie doesn't hate Chetri. Gracie just hates that they need Chetri there. The only voice in her ear keeping them safe should be Will's and she is forgetting his voice. When she forgets his voice, then he is lost to her forever.

[the-devil-in-the-details-666]

💜 Cisco Ramon/Hartley Rathaway

💜- Surprise kiss/impulsive kiss

Thank you for asking!

No one should be surprised that this got away from me and I ended up writing a full story for it. Thank you for asking!

The thought of how soft Cisco’s lips must be had been pinging around in the back of Hartley’s brain for days. Hartley’s own lips were eternally chapped, usually cracked from his unconscious habit of biting them, and, according to the last guy he’d had an ill-advised hookup with, drier than the desert. But Cisco had a 37-step skin and hair care routine, had a selection of at least 8 different types of fancy lip balms, had enough (well-deserved) pride in his appearance to actually take care of himself.

The thought lurked in Hartley’s brain. He found himself thinking about kissing Cisco, about tasting those soft-looking lips for himself. He couldn’t help but stare every time Cisco opened the drawer he kept his lip balms in, watching, enraptured, as Cisco selected his lip balm and put it on.

“Is there a reason you’re staring at me?”

Hartley jolted. Cisco raised an eyebrow at him, unconsciously rubbing his lips together to evenly spread his lip balm, and Hartley opened his mouth, then blurted, “Is that tinted lip balm?”

Cisco’s expression shuttered and, tone turning a bit defensive, he replied, “So what if it is?”

“It looks-”

Hartley cut himself off, because none of the words that sprang to mind (kissable, gorgeous, too goddamn pretty) were in any way appropriate to say out loud, then, after a moment of awkward silence, he finished lamely, “-nice. It looks nice.”

Cisco squirmed a little, then stated, “It’s not like you to try to spare my feelings.”

“I’m not- I- That’s not-“

Hartley fumbled for the right words and Cisco squirmed a little more, then reached over to grab a tissue and stated, “I’ll just take it off, if it’s making you uncomfortable.”

“NO!”

Hartley had no memory of standing up and moving across the room, but suddenly he was inches away from Cisco, holding Cisco’s wrist. Cisco gave him a startled look and Hartley felt a blush creep up his neck as he stated, “It looks really nice on you. I just- I-“

Hartley fumbled for words, the close proximity making his brain feel like it was turning into soup inside his skull, and Cisco studied Hartley. Then those soft, soft lips slowly spread in a smile and he whispered, “Oh, I see.”

Then Cisco was leaning in and Hartley let out a squeak as their lips brushed. Cisco’s lips were even softer than Hartley had imagined and tasted faintly of cherry, the kiss sending sparks up and down Hartley’s body. He melted into the kiss, one hand finding Cisco’s shirt, and Cisco tangled his own hand in Hartley’s hair, tugging a little and earning an embarrassingly needy noise in response. That made Cisco pull back a little and Hartley whined as Cisco breathlessly whispered, “Oh, do you like that?”

Hartley nodded, words failing him as his brain tried to catch up, and Cisco grinned, then teased, “If I’d known that this is all it took to shut you up, I’d have kissed you months ago.”

Hartley let out a wordlessly little whine, because Cisco had managed to hit on three separate kinks and open Hartley’s eyes to two more new ones in about 3 minutes, and Cisco kissed him again, sliding one hand under Hartley’s shirt to pet Hartley’s back as Hartley tried his best to not turn into a complete needy mess. Hartley lost track of time, brain reduced to mush as Cisco kissed him and tugged his hair, and Cisco was clearly reveling in his newfound power over Hartley.

Then there was the sound of a clearing throat from the doorway and Hartley and Cisco both jumped apart, Cisco straightening his shirt as Hartley tried to fix his hair and will down the bulge in his pants. Cisco’s lip balm was smeared and Hartley couldn’t tear his eyes away even as Joe complained about being sick of walking in on make out sessions. Cisco nodded along, then finally shooed Joe out and returned to Hartley, batting his eyelashes and biting his lip a little as he asked, “How do you feel about taking this somewhere that we won’t be interrupted, hm?”

Hartley nodded eagerly and Cisco grinned, then opened a breach and pulled Hartley through into his bedroom.

[springvaletales]

((Session 65 is wrapped!))

I wore myself out today doing other adult-related things that needed to be done and I am not all here but it’s been two weeks since last session and I don’t want to let my players down.

We start off with Thiori asking to give Ra-Ra a gun. Very specifically a Topaz Annihilator.

“Are you sure you want to give the Muppet a gun?���

He is very determined to find this gun. If he rolls a 20 while looting the prison, I’ll let him find it.

The recruitment room the party was left in is unguarded, so they sneaked out and had Thiori track Master L.O.C.K.E.’s location.

The Players finally realized that I’d named the prison warden ‘Masterlock’.

"Where's the fantasy Lockpicking Lawyer when you need him?"

The pirate guards are leaving the party alone as they move through the prison - mostly bc Thiori has lit up his glaive with his lightning and they think he’s a guard leading a tour of new recruits.

Master L.O.C.K.E. surprised the party by standing on the catwalk above them and dropping down metal flakes from his cigar/brand, but it….didn’t have the desired intimidation effect.

Bagelby threatened to go to Master L.O.C.K.E.'s boss (the Pirate King) and get him fired on the grounds of dereliction of duty (letting prisoners break into/escape the prison repeatedly and not trying to stop the security breach that is the time loop).

HE ROLLED A 1 TO BAGELBY’S 20. FUCK.

Bagelby successfully deceived/intimidated the notoriously feared prison warden into not only giving up the location of the captured Lord Wiggles but also printing out an officially signed and sealed prisoner transfer approval notice.

With the prison warden sufficiently cowed (and my combat plans derailed), the party boarded another elevator down to the lower mining levels, and met the sleepy pirate elevator attendant, Cookie.

He is absolutely named after the character from “Atlantis: The Lost Empire”, and I will take no criticism on the matter.

Cookie is jacked af from cranking the freight elevator up and down by hand, and Lex is a little jealous of the bulging arm muscles he’s hiding under those baggy sleeves.

He hails from a suburb town outside the capital city of Iskall, Headuin, on the other side of the Gourman Sea, and became a sailor because he couldn’t afford to keep living on the mainland after his parents passed. He misses the sea, but he can’t sail anymore.

Bagelby, having rolled a 1 on perception, looking directly at a man with two peg legs: “Aww, why can’t you sail anymore?” Cookie: “Ye see, I gots me a nasty case of the vertigo round about twenty years ago. Ruined me balance and cost me me sea legs, it did.” Bagelby: Thiori: Cookie: Cookie: “Lost the flesh ones to that beast what prowls the bay here a few years before that, but that’s another story!”

Thiori jokingly suggested that he knew someone who could ‘fix that problem’, referencing Tasslour Krell and his mutant bio experiments, at the cost of terrible working conditions and routine agony.

Cookie: “Ah, chat’s a little more pain when ya got it chronically?”

Oh no, we gave Thiori another crisis. This is becoming a pattern.

The elevator left the party in sub-basement 8, and then returned up to a floor with no prisoners, leaving behind a series of failed perception rolls and Ra-Ra’s best attempt at ham-fisted meta exposition (there’s a pull rope off to the side that summons the elevator, so that it isn’t waiting if ever the prisoners escape).

A pair of guards approach the party from one of the active mining alcoves, demanding to know why they’re there, and are immediately apologetic and much more polite when Bagelby presents them with the Official Prisoner Transfer paperwork.

The fact that it’s Lord Wiggles getting ‘released’ caused someone up on the watchtower platforms to spit-take for dramatic effect. He has a…reputation among the pirates.

He is also buff, and Lex is jealous.

“Are you going to bang Bagelby’s dad?!”

Lord Wiggles, Problem Prisoner of the Year, very nearly caved one guard’s face in with his pickaxe when they came to release him, forcing Thiori to grapple him.

With a successful persuasion and deception roll, Thiori convinced Lord Wiggles that they were there to break him out and to play along.

The party managed to keep their cool long enough to re-summon the elevator (which came down in a hurry) and get back aboard, all with Bagelby picking the locks on Lord Wiggles’ manacles.

Lord Wiggles, staring hard at Bagelby: “You look familiar….have we met before?” Bagelby: “Yes. No. Sort of. I had a weird dream about you once. Not in THAT way though.”

As soon as Bagelby name-dropped Lord Featherton, Lord Wiggles became more cooperative and less suspicious.

Lord Featherton’s given name is ‘Pavo’.

Cookie is in a hurry to get the party back up out of the sub-basement, and takes then as high as the freight elevator goes. Itt turns out that he’s in on the time loop joke.

He warns Thiori to take the 4th elevator from the left ‘this time’.

With that advice in mind, Thiori carefully tested every 4th elevator in the main entry hall on that floor until he found one that didn’t creak, and then he, Bagelby, and Lord Wiggles boarded to begin ascending.

The elevator shafts are open on the sides, and you can see all the ropes and counterweights that keep the platforms from falling/rising uncontrollably.

Sir Carl and Lex were left behind with the Owlin, Rock Construct, Isstun and Ra-Ra to choose another elevator, but Master L.O.C.K.E. appeared at the end of the far hall, walking all slow and menacing, so they had to hurriedly choose one.

The Rock Construct was the last to board, but backed off when the platform started groaning under their weight.

They sighed in resignation, made a comment about ‘almost making it out this time’, and then ripped a sharp rocky piece off of their body.

Ra-Ra, frantically popping up from the back of the crowd: “Wait waIT WAIT! We tried that last time and it didn’t work!” Lex: "Last time??" Rock Construct: “At least I know which one not to cut now.”

They threw the sharp shard like a frisbee at one of the elevator ropes, and severed a counterweight which then sent the platform rocketing towards the top of the shaft…leaving the Rock Construct in the room below, with Master L.O.C.K.E. fast approaching.

Thiori and Bagelby were quickly caught up to got to see the rest of the party shoot past them in a big blur, screaming in terror and confusion.

The elevator hit the top of the shaft with enough force to shatter the platform and throw everyone out into the room, and not a single person stuck the landing (a shame, too, since Sir Carl’s sea legs meant he was the only person who didn’t fall prone when the weight was cut).

Horrified prison admin: “What did you DO to the elevator system?!” Sir Carl, calmly: “We made it faster.”

[aaaaatillathenun]

What the fuck is wrong with today? Did I just wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Is it cosmic?

It started so good. I woke up 45 minutes before my alarm and I was excited to get some “extra sleep”.

There was a big asshole truck driving on the way to work. Like I understand you want some small dick compensation but like at least be able to handle it if you feel the need to get one. This guy kept driving on the line and making me feel unsafe when I tried to pass him.

Then I did my stupid little one hour of work and I discovered that the fucking travel office changed the layout of the travel system we use without telling anyone. A couple weeks after they changed they layout of their website without telling anyone. I fucking hate the travel office. Someone I support has a report pending from a trip he took in April. That’s a whole different fiscal year, shouldn’t there be some consequences for your poor time management? I fucking. Hate. The. Travel. Office.

Then for my fucking class the lab manager didn’t come to open the door to the computer lab the class was in until 25 minutes after it started. Absolute waste of everyone’s time. Everyone was there at 8 in the goddamn morning for a class and your website and door both say that you’ll be there at 8. Where’s the communication? Absolutely fuming. I had to very consciously restrain myself from yelling at him, because honestly fuck that dude. I hope the professor chews him out. I should tell the professor that tbh.

The class was stupid as it always was. CliftonStrengths is a scam.

Then I got lost in the building like a chump trying to get out and I got pissed. I think you’re supposed to exit on the second floor, but how the hell am I supposed to know that? The star on the elevator was next to the first floor.

And its difficult to ride my bike when I’m hauling all the shit around to refill my snack drawer in an extra bag and all the fucking freshmen dont know how to walk on the sidewalks so bikes can get by.

My advising session was actually p good not gonna lie. Someone with the same advisor told me that she didn’t like the advisor bc she was so direct, but idk what she was on bc that was a great advisor and a person I get along with and would like to get the point of view more

Then back at work the fucking fire alarm went off. It was so fucking loud where I was and then we all had to hang out outside for twenty minutes until the firefighters came. And no one knows still if it was a drill or not but idek if it matters bc the “floor safety officers” were so bad at their job and didn’t really know what to do.

Then I found out that one of the systems we use wasn’t set up properly for me and I talked to my supervisor about it to try and get her to fix it. THEN I found out that I had actually been looking in the wrong place for a fucking year and it WAS set up correctly.

Also I checked my bank account and the term tuition has not been taken out of my bank account even though I have the payment confirmation. So I’ll wait for another like week and then check again.

I also realized that I forgot to pay rent and utilities for October. I need to let my roommate know that I’ll be renewing for another 6 months. However part of this non payment is bc she didn’t put any of the utilities i to tricount so idk what I owe her. I’ll get the check when I get home today tho. Hopefully she’ll let me waive the three day late fee because she also didn’t do anything for the utilities.

I hate when my job makes me feel like a travel agent and reimbursement machine but when it’s anything else I’m so out of my depth because all I ever do is travel shit.

Lets see how the rest of this shit day will go. I still have an hour and a half left of work plus I said I would show my face at a social event for my volunteer club, but that’s ok bc the new officers will be picking up the tab so I get a free drink or 2. But then I have a bunch of readings to do tonight.

Why the fuck did i decide that working and going to grad school at the same time and also living so far from everything was a good idea.

[keefwho]

July 23 - 2023 Sunday

8:54 AM

Today I’m tired AF because I only got 6 hours of sleep. I’m feeling prone to overthinking at the moment so again I’ll try to stay occupied and not think too hard about things I know will upset me for no reason. Also communication is important, I gotta let my friends know whats up with me if I want them to know. A lot of stress comes from thinking my friends don’t like me because they can’t read my mind so don’t react to what I want. Although I also need to know when to back off because it can be easy to tell when someone doesn’t want to talk to me but not easy to accept. I want to avoid being pushy. 

6:43 PM

REALLY trying not to take it personally when I hint at wanting some time together/being in need of a friend and the “just a few” turns into 2 hours of me waiting around thinking it could be any minute now. Only because on the opposite side, I’d be there in a HEARTBEAT, especially if I thought it was important. There might be some miscommunication though, or maybe I’m being too needy. Either way it’s probably a good opportunity to exercise my autonomy, I already know better than to wait on others. 

11:11 PM

Of course the perceived abandonment from earlier had a very good reason, thats why I made sure not to jump to conclusions. I really need to have more faith in others, and myself. 

This morning I woke up clearly under capacity due to lack of sleep. I ate a very good self-assembled broccoli pizza for breakfast. For most of the morning I played Neopets games while watching Jonbams play his new Minecraft Madpack on Twitch. Keeping up with my recent self awareness work, I had a very good text chat with my friend where I was extra vigilant about actually speaking from my heart and letting my interests show through without fear of judgement. Not that I’m terribly afraid of being judge or anything but it’s not often I achieve such pure self expression like this morning. At around noon I began a VR painting study that will take 1-2 more sessions before completing. I also looked into fixing the networking sync issues with my new world but decided to put that off for now, I wanna do other things. I organized my OBS scenes and sources. I did a lot of chillin and goofin around. I was stressed in the afternoon for a bit because of the nearby fire and some general ‘in my own head’ stuff. It wasn’t super bad but it kept me from focusing on basically anything and I just wanted to talk to my friend at this point. Eventually she called and I helped her do some math for her fursuit which I was very glad to do. We watched the Wonderland special for Ever After High and I absolutely loved it. Then we laughed at some memes for awhile before she hopped in bed and we had a nice little chat about life and feelings. It was extra late and I wish we had more time to chat, I’m still in a stage where I would benefit from lots of talks like tonight. They will come as they come though, it’s important not to overdo anything. 

I’m proud of actually doing some more of the things on my list today, just little tasks to keep me busy. I feel like I should have been more on top of it because there was a lot of down time and loligagging but the point of the weekend is to be chill about things. 

I could have handled my anxiety better I think, I can’t say I didn’t try though. I let my self awareness slip a bit too, thats my biggest limiter I’m discovering. It is WAY too easy to fall into thinking about what I’m supposed to be rather than what I am. This is something I want to talk with someone about more. 

I wish to expand on things and what I talked about but it’s late. In short, we discussed where we’re at and where we wanna go in life, and boosted each other up a little bit. She gave me some perspective about how good I have it in some regards. Even though I already knew it, can never have too many reminders, especially when it comes from someone else’s perspective. 

I feel good that I’m starting to come to terms with myself more. I feel like I’m at 1% of discovering who I am which is better than the 0% I felt before.

[alexinframes]

Dec 15th 2022

Current State Assesssment

It was good sleeping again this morning because I was able to wake up with relatively high energy. It’s ok I skipped the gym.

My body is telling me that I need to accept the fact that my willpower can run out, and if that is the only thing I use to motivate myself to go out and seize the world, then I might find myself not being able to bring consistency to my life.

Right now that is the one thing I’m fighting for.

And hey, it’s not as bad as it seems.

I’ve been working consistently for the past few weeks. I consistently wake up and get a bath, and that habit is so engrained I barely ever fail.

This year I made a ton of great things happen, and I do feel proud about that. The fact that I know what the next problem to tackle is really doing means a lot. If I manage to fix it, wow. What could I not do?

Because I’ve seen how AWESOME my willpower is when I have it there, I just need to help myself to come about bringing that to fruition on a daily basis.

I do believe a meaningful ‘why’ is missing in my life. I don’t really know exactly which of the thousand things I want to do is, and it makes sense that when I wake up in the morning and need to access those why’s, I just don’t find enough meaning.

Like, yeah wake up early. But why? I could keep sleeping, and that’s what I’ve been doing.

There has to be something more powerful, something that REALLY deep down moves me to go out of my way to get it.

Another part of my mind is telling me to wait for vacations to go about it, but that’s 8 days away, and I do want to finish this year’s work in a great place.

What I learned:

(1) I can do almost anything I want if I’m motivated, and that’s fucking great. When that happens there’s just an absurd amount of momentum that is built within me, and is really motivating, which makes me feel connected to a bigger me. Yet, if my motivation is that momentum I had and I suddenly lose it via external factors, then I also lose the motivation and go back to square one.

(2) If I find a way to link that motivation back to something deeply meaningful to me, with several layers of ‘whys’ that are irrefutably meaningful, then I should be able to stick to my pursuit of a better future even in bad days, because I’ll be able to just pull the ‘why’s off whenever momentum fails, and it’s certain it WILL fail, at least for one day. It’s my duty to make sure it doesn’t fall for several days in a row.

(3) So the problem is that my bursts of productivity are fueled by momentum-based motivation, and momentum can either stagnate or fail because I have no control over what the world throws at me. The problem is that I have the WRONG source of drive, and in theory, if I change the channel I should also change the way I keep it.

(4) Another problem is that Discipline is mostly a pre-frontal cortex function that is mediated by dopamine, and epinephrine/norepinephrine circuits. If dopamine levels are below baseline then I simply won’t be able to hijack my inner desire to keep up. Unless there’s an external fear-based response that makes me do things I naturally won’t want to do.

(5) Mediating my dopamine levels will be a matter of combining healthier dietary, exercise, and sleeping habits to maintain a healthy dopamine level that in combination to strong motivational sources (like having a deeply meaningful why for every action I’m going to take) should be enough to make a big change.

Potential solutions:

For the next 8-days (1) Bring this discussion up in my therapy session today. (2) Prioritize dopaminergic enhancing solutions (diet and exercise), and sleep hygiene for new habit protocols. Scratch whatever is NOT that, since it's not as urgent.

As soon as vacation starts (1) Do one very hard thing every day to show me I own this (2) Work on my future goals and what I want to do with my life during 2023, and especially on meaningful why. (3) Bring results to the discussion in therapy. (4) Keep up with dopaminergic enhancing solutions (diet and exercise) and sleep hygiene, and do my best to streak on those. And if it ever fails, just fall back to something that can quickly increase dopamine to then engage in positive dopaminergic enhancing activities.