#because i'm upset and disappointed at how little certain 'communities' i've been in

[yupuffin]

Listen. Cosplayers, listen.

"Comparison is the thief of joy" is an idiom for a reason.

As someone who's had my mental state absolutely ruined by being constantly compared to other people for my entire life, I think the cosplay "community" could really benefit from not taking the competition aspect quite so seriously.

Yes, cosplay contests are perhaps THE main event of basically any convention or gathering that involves cosplay--but it being a competition is primarily to give the audience a reason to attend and see everyone show off their work--some tension and excitement, in the form of anticipating who will bring home the rewards.

In reality, the existence of the competition format doesn't necessarily mean any cosplayers inherently deserve awards more than any other, or because any cosplayer is ~ better ~ than any other. It's for the audience. For the cosplayer, cosplay doesn't have to be about the competition, about constantly comparing yourself to others or even to your past self.

In fact, it's probably healthier for you, and the cosplay "community" as a whole, if it's not.

Cosplay is an art first and foremost--each piece has inherent worth and value just by being created, and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to cosplay. Some people have been doing it longer than others, or may use different tools or techniques from others, but there are no "elite" cosplayers, and there isn't a cosplay "community" as long as people still put so much emphasis on awards and comparing each other as they currently do.

Even if you're only comparing yourself to your past self--your current work to your past work--constant pressure to improve with every single piece can be unhealthy, or even as toxic as comparing it to the work of a completely different person.

As an artist, you have to be okay with making mediocre art. Not everything you make is going to be a masterpiece. You will not necessarily see improvement in your skills with each individual work. You can't make great art without also making a lot of meh art in between. If it harms your enjoyment of cosplay as a hobby not to continuously make pieces that are better than all the last ones, you're likely going to spend a lot of cosplay time being disappointed instead of having fun.

This is just my personal opinion of the competition format, though. I'm not saying we have to do away with competitions entirely--I just really think they should be taken less seriously and emphasis should be removed from what comparisons are being made and instead put on supporting and welcoming every cosplayer, regardless of their skill level or ability, actual or perceived, because the "quality" of a cosplayer's art does not determine the value of the piece or of the artist. At least, that's if we really want the cosplay "community" to be a COMMUNITY.

If you'd like, you can treat cosplay as a sport instead of an art form--but you can't build a true "community" on wanting to be ~ better ~ than everyone else in the room.

By the way, everything I've said in this post also applies to dance.

(...And likely every other form of art out there as well, but cosplay and dance are where I have experience.)

[confessionsofa-roleplayer]

As someone with high-functioning autism and significant social anxiety, which can cause times where social cues are particularly difficult to pick up on especially when it's over a text format where it's even harder to discern tone and inflection without blatant indicators, there's a part of me that doesn't really get all the complaints I've seen about a lack of communication when it comes to "plotting". I mean, I can understand the perspective that it can come across as a partner being unenthusiastic whenever they're given ideas but don't really try to hash those ideas out themselves. On the other hand, it's also possible those same partners could really just be fine with the ideas they're being given and don't really have anything to contribute, maybe they'd rather get right into writing the thread out instead of just shooting ideas back and forth? I know that's usually what I'm thinking most of the time. A good part of the reason why someone like myself would be a little disinclined towards sharing much in return is also because I'd be afraid of taking one too many liberties with someone else's ideas or maybe crossing a line with anything I might contribute. I'm sure we can all agree how quick to take offense people on here can be and, having been on both sides of the fence on this, it can be upsetting both when someone wildly misconstrues things about your muse's characterizations and headcanons just to fit whatever idea they might have in mind, and when having to correct those misconceptions or explain why certain ideas wouldn't work very well. It just creates disappointment all around, and when people aren't willing to talk out any disagreements like adults, all it does it shut down the plotting just the same as giving canned answers. It's also worth considering that some people may be geared creatively different. It can be difficult sometimes to come up with something when you may not know another person's character, or their own particular brand of characterization, very well, and sometimes the ideas just don't come to all of us unless we've really gotten a feel for another person's character and we can see the potential for things. Some people may just be wired more towards improvisational writing at that and really don't start fleshing things out until they have a premise in their hands, coming up with possibilities and exploring them during the actual interactions. Not to mention there's also roleplayers out there who do nothing but plot, and when it comes time to actually write the thread, they simply just don't want to bother with it because… Well, you already know how the story's going to go at this point because you talked it over. Why bother actually having back and forth replies about it when you pretty much wrote the story already by plotting? I've had that experience plenty of times with others myself. You spend all this time laying the framework for where the interactions will go and then nothing just gets done with it beyond the planning phase because, hey, you already talked about everything by now. I just hope that by pointing these things out that everyone might realize they shouldn't generalize partners who may not communicate as much during the "plotting" phase and are just straight to the point, give short affirmative answers when offered ideas. I think the only fair way you can tell if someone really is just putting all the work off on others to come up with ideas is if you can see them repeatedly doing this, especially if they never act on it. That right there would be the surest sign of someone being disinterested or just lazy. Then again, there could also be reasons for this as well, like maybe your characters just don't really have any sort of chemistry for any kind of meaningful interaction – and that's okay too. No two people are always going to get along or want to have anything to do with each other, and sometimes it takes some attempt at communicating to figure that much out.

[dnalt-d2]

QSMP 2024 THINGS

OH BOY OH BOY IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN

TIME TO TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY, HOW I FEEL, AND THINGS I PREDICT

To start off with, I maintain my stance of "Fuck that Rabbit." I never liked the Duck, and this fucking camera-staring-at Rabbit is irritating me even moreso. May he perish in the flames of capitalism that he has created

Also fuck that narrator guy. He has no right sounding so jovial

(And god I can't believe the Duck really never did anything SERIOUSLY FUCK THAT GUY /lh)

Regarding the paywall thing, I kind of like the idea of it in certain increments. I know that Etoiles has been praying to any deity that will listen for the Nether to open, and I'm sure he's happy to know he can pay those deities off now. On the other hand, I've already seen a decent amount of discouragement on the lack of Create. I'm hoping that's the second thing to get unlocked for both Tubbo and AyPierre's sakes

And in terms of the reset itself, I also like the idea of it somewhat. I'm sure I'm not the only one who sometimes likes to start these types of games over for that fun feeling of playing from the ground up. Though maybe the mobs should be a little weaker, since everyone's starting from scratch. Then again, Etoiles has like a million Dark Metal, so

It's also nice seeing the beginning of these communities. Phil becoming Cellbit's temporary neighbor before he begins his nomadic lifestyle. And of course theres the up and coming Home of Fobo where definitely no one is Homophobic

Though speaking of Phil and Cellbit, I also maintain my disappointment in the lack of actual rescue mission. Like I was excited for that. I made a comic about it. And while my disappointment doesn't come from my comic being wrong, it does come from the fact that this was a thing that an ADMIN introduced. RICHAS went to Phil to recruit him for the mission, just for them to just do a little cinematic instead. Like I'm guessing this has to do with the delay in the server opening, since it was originally going to open about a week ago. My guess is that the rescue was going to happen this prior week, but because of the delay in opening the server, they decided to nix the rescue entirely and just have them show up on the opening day instead. It sucks, but I guess that's just how the cookie crumbles

AND NOW PREDICTION THING

So remember how Bagi at one point said that the Admins asked them what structures they'd like to have preserved for NO REASON AT ALL????

And how everyone spawned at about -200000 blocks away??

Well I'm kinda hoping that there's some of the original structures, back near that Zero Coordinate. Or maybe there's something else. Obviously I have no basis for any of that, but I think everyone's gonna be upset if they really lose all their builds. Specifically the Dragon, Titan, and Bad's as-of-yet unused Egg Carton. He labored over that for a while, it would SUCK if it just never got used at all. My other hope is that there's a pay-goal for bringing some structures back. That'd be a neat way to incorporate that feature. Not to mention that people who might've been in the middle of projects can get back to said projects. I think that's the main problem with losing everything, a lot of plans have essentially been destroyed

And now an Analysis

So fun fact, you know how Ducks and Rabbits are both heavily associated with Easter, which celebrates the death and rebirth of a certain person?? And how the server has essentially been reset and reborn??

Yeah that I guess, that's all I've got on that really

All I've got in general really

Here's to 2024, everyone. And the further loss of sanity we and the Islanders shall all endure

yee

[susansontag]

So I've finished the gray house. Very interesting book! Still a little confused, lots of layers to unpack there it seems. Curious to why you're "smokerpilled" and "blackpilled". Wish we got to see more of the girls.

this is good to read after you've finished the book, especially if you want to understand what happens to each character at the end

it was a while ago I read it now but I believe smoker and black threatened the others, especially the likes of sphinx (who is interesting but as a person sucks imo), because they were able to see above and beyond the world of the house and thus were better able to withstand its internal politics etc. they were shunned by the others for this esp those who sought to maintain their power in the 'world' (read: the house) because they believed this was the only way of surviving, so flaunting it altogether as smoker and black do at various points is dangerous to everyone else's understanding of their shared reality

smoker even makes lengthy comments about how, really, it's all just a game they're playing in the house; playing at politics, etc, and becoming so wrapped up in it that there end up being real casualties (kind of lord of the flies style). other characters accuse them of simply not 'understanding' what is self-evident, or even pretending that they don't to be deliberately contrary (in black's case this may be somewhat true; smoker is reacted to with either horror or interest at times for his inability to grasp why others are reacting the way they do - he sees past it to 'reality'). remember when tabaqui absolutely flew at smoker for suggesting he shouldn't have been taking something so seriously?

smoker and black are sort of, if I recall correctly, rejected by the house for this rejection of it and its workings (I'm certain there is deeper political commentary in this book though it'd probably be difficult for me to grasp as I imagine it's localised to russian/eastern european history etc), so their storylines seem less 'magical' or fantastical (one could argue they seem more... mentally stable) but nonetheless I tend to respect characters in books who, even if they're smug and insecure (black), or just resigned (smoker), are able to set themselves apart from their communities and come to tough conclusions that may threaten and/or upset said communities. basically I like characters who say it how it is lol

on one last side note, sphinx is an interesting case because I personally believe he was so hard on smoker and so disappointed when smoker finally 'sided' with black, because he seems his old self in him. I'm sure you know sphinx and grasshopper are the same person, GH is just his younger self's nickname, but when sphinx was young he was much more questioning of the authority/inquisitive about the house, much like smoker. I guess after finding and bonding with blind he realised the only way to feel safe in this environment was to consolidate power within it, and to do this one must play by the rules. he wanted smoker to go down this same route, or at least behave 'correctly' like every else, but he refused to. black is the opposite example; he used to have power and had a dramatic fall from grace, so his rejection of the house's rules could absolutely be read more as bitterness than a true indifference or skepticism towards it, but nonetheless he ends up in that place. his was basically a role reversal with sphinx

[paula-of-christ]

In need of advice if you have some to spare. 😅

My best friend informed me about half a year ago that he was going to convert to Islam (from Catholicism). I told him that as a Catholic I didn't think that was the right decision because he was walking away from the truth, but that I would still love him and be his friend. (I know he was worried about that because his family is pretty austerely pious and our area does not have a lot of Muslim-representation). His response was a little heated, you could tell I had upset him a little, and he put forth some of his reasoning for wanting to convert.

It took me a long time to come up with an adequate (imo) response, like literally months. But when I finally pressed send, Discord told me we wrre no longer friends and when I asked some mutual friends they said he (my best friend, that is...ex-best friend?) had cleared most of his contacts and is rejecting any re-requests. I was pretty disheartened about that bc we can't see each other in person so Discord was our only communication.

Anyway cue a few more months passing. The thought just struck me that I could send him an email. We used to email often enough but stopped with Discord so I completely forgot. Now my only concern is the absolute weirdness of somebody sending a random email about a conversation you've probably forgotten about. Plus like, if he doesn't want to talk to me, then I don't want to be a creep digging through old contacts just to find him.

But I feel really disappointed in how our last conversation ended, especially if it's going to be the last conversation with a good and close friend, and in myself for my indiligence (which is not a word but forgive me) in letting the convo drop. My friends are all familiar with me disappearing for months on Discord because I get busy with school + overthink every text I send ever so get overwhemed easily, but I know this instance also had to do with fear and avoidance. So I don't want to let it end on that, you know? But I also don't want to drag it out if I shouldn't.

I've been praying for guidance and will continue to do so, but, what are your thoughts? Sorry if this is super long and convoluted, feel free to not answer. 😅

I would say definitely send the email and include this^, like how you're feeling. That you weren't prepared and you didn't know how to respond and you wanted to give a proper response, not argue. Probably also include that you still wanted to be friends and that you don't think any less of him for choosing Islam, it's just a difference of opinion that you two have. At that point, it puts your friendship status into his hands, and you don't have to feel the guilt that you didn't do "enough" for your friendship.

IMO if he is going to leave that relationship because you didn't respond with gusto about him leaving the Church or ask more about Islam, he may not have had the best intentions to begin with. Like he may have been wanting to try and convert you away from Catholicism as well. But maybe I'm wrong, I don't know him. I just know some converts to Islam and certain Christian denominations are like that.

[angelbluediary]

It has just simply been one of Those Days.

Nothing is terribly wrong. Is it ever? I dig for things to upset me. I unconsciously seek out what will ruffle my feathers.

Maybe it's because I didn't get much sleep last night and I was woken by my neighbor too early. Maybe it's the high of birthday weekend flatlining now that it's all over, my special time, my day of Me, gone now and staying gone for another whole year.

When did I become so vain and needy?

Is this why I've stayed isolated all this time? Did I know deep down that it was either stay distant and cool, or crumble to pieces?

In this last week, I've been so much more social with my online (cam) community. I've been utilizing the Discord the way it was designed to be utilized. Daily 'round-the-clock messaging. And it's been so fun. But then in the lulls, when nobody replies to me, or when someone posts a gif of a sexy girl with features I don't have, or when I don't get the response I was expecting (and basing my mood on), I feel almost manic.

I've become overly attached. I signed off with "I love you" during my birthday stream a few days ago, something I'd vowed to myself never to say as my camgirl persona. I find myself oversharing just a tad, here and there, more than I normally would, anyway. I place more and more expectations on my members as reasons my day is bright and exciting.

And is this fair? Not entirely. But at the same time, with the nature of my relationship with them, they could be doing more. My livelihood is based upon selling interactions with myself to men. Yet I give these men free, constant, daily interactions with me because they tipped for a certain club at some point this year and because they chat in my room and occasionally give me some dollars. I have to keep a boundary line for myself; I've been slipping and really depending on these guys for my socialization needs too much. I am practiced at loneliness. Not at group chats and attention on demand. I get a taste and I need more, more, more. Needier and needier. My fondness for them becomes claws I want to sink in, make them love me most out of everyone, make them stay forever, make them give me everything because don't I deserve it? Haven't I been so patient and good this year? Meanwhile, in other corners of the Internet, I'm losing my grip. I used to receive lots of glowing attention and even gifts from Fetlife, and now it's becoming a source of disappointment and annoyance. Today, pain. A very stupid man with entitlement issues blowing up at me because I dared to indicate no interest in having sex with him. He tore my character apart, called me names, blocked me, and I sat with an ache for longer than I should have given the situation and the person. My skin feels especially thin today. I am little and raw and in need of love, praise, adoration, treats, sweetness. My face keeps scrunching up with a sudden bout of tears. Nothing ever falls but my hurt is so close to the surface and there's no particular reason for it. I'm just sad.

And I know material items won't necessarily fix me but they do feel good. I want that puppy ears and tail set I can't buy for myself because it's PayPal only and I'm banned from that service. I want it to honor the headspace I keep semi-slipping into, to embrace it and fully inhabit it, to make my feelings of smallness and dumbness something freeing and sweet instead of bad. To transform my negative emotions. I have made so many not-so-subtle hints at how badly I want this thing, with the link in the Discord, and a limited supply in the store, and a sale that will end... I can't talk about it anymore or I'll be annoying. And the only thing worse than not having that set right now is coming across as annoying and unlikeable to this community I find myself basing my validation on.

[mimisempai]

You walked into my life like you had always lived there

Summary

Charles has resigned himself to a life alone in Paris, but he might be surprised by a visit from an "old friend"... Will they get another chance to reach happiness?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31463351

Words:3719 - Chapters:1/1

This morning, like every other morning, sitting on the terrace of the café downstairs from his small apartment, Charles was waiting for his usual coffee while watching the bustle of the street. Delivery men unloading their vans at the grocery store on the corner, the bookstore owner unpacking his shelves, a tourist couple having their picture taken with the view of Montmartre in the background. The passers-by, people going to work, others walking their dogs. All this lively and colorful world coming and going, talking, laughing, reminded him of the hallway of a certain school, in the mornings just before the students entered their classrooms.

And like every morning, Charles was acutely aware of his loneliness. He had voluntarily closed his mind to all other thoughts than his own.

Thoughts that were enough to torment him.

More often than not, they were memories which he forced himself to face. His mistakes, what he should or should not have done. Searching, dissecting when he had lost sight of his values. At what point he had let down those he had sworn to protect since the day he had discovered Raven in his kitchen so many years ago.

But appeasement never came.

At the beginning, Hank gave him news of the school, of the progress of the students, news of each one and then little by little the messages had spaced, Charles put more and more time to answer, letting the distance grow voluntarily. It was now 3 months that he had no news and it was good like that.

Raven, Jean, Alex... and the names of all the others were spinning in his head, like a macabre dance, a torture he was inflicting on himself to atone.

There was only one name that he refused to pronounce, that he refused to think about. The one name that had always been able to read him without having any telepathic powers.

"You're always sorry, Charles. And there's always a speech. But nobody cares anymore."

"Will that be all sir?"

The waitress, pulling him out of his musings, put his coffee on the table.

"Yes, thank you," Charles replied.

"Mutant and proud."

Raven had always been right,

"Or is that only with pretty mutations or invisible ones, like yours. But if you're a freak, better hide."

Mutant yes, but proud he was no longer. He was the freak who had to hide.

He took a sip of his coffee and ran his hand over his face.

He suddenly felt a presence behind his back, and a shiver went through him at the sound of the voice with such familiar inflections,

"How's retirement treating you Charles?"

Erik sat down and placed a small case containing a chess set at his feet. Why was he there? To taunt him? To provoke him? Charles resisted the temptation to read his mind. He clenched his fist on his knee. Erik was the only one to provoke this storm of emotions in him. The only one who had the capacity to unsettle him.

So as always he chose the attack,"What are you doing here, Erik?"

He finally dared to meet Erik's eyes, and he almost gasped, because, in the blue-gray eyes, there was nothing of the harshness, of the disappointment from their last meeting. Erik's gaze was kind and open as he replied with a slight smile, "I came to see an old friend. Fancy a game?"

Erik showed him the chess set at their feet. Their usual chess game, the moment when their minds clashed. That space outside of time, where despite the fights and conflicts, they always managed to find each other. But this time Charles wasn't sure he had the strength to offer Erik a worthy opponent. So he shook his head and replied, "No, not today. Thank you."

He looked away. He couldn't look at Erik when so many emotions were running through him. He was sure he would never see the only man he had ever loved again, and there he was in front of him, beautiful, making Charles even more aware of his own state.

"A long time ago, you saved my life. Then you offered me a home. I'd like to do the same for you."

Charles studied Erik's expression for a long time. Always the same openness and acceptance. He was once again tempted to read Erik's mind.

"You can, you know." Erik made the hand motion that Charles made when he wanted to access someone's mind.

As always he had seen right through Charles, but again no disappointment or disgust in the voice and the eyes.

Charles after swallowing, answered in a slightly hoarse voice, having trouble containing his emotions.

"I don't do that anymore."

Erik simply nodded with a half smile, put his hands in his pockets, then took them out, and held them out in front of him in clenched fists, just like in the old days.

"Just one game. For old times' sake."

Charles gave in, he didn't feel like fighting anymore, he didn't feel like pretending. So he held out his hand to Erik's right fist, which opened to a white pawn.

Erik said with a slight teasing smile, "I'll go easy on you."

Charles replied with the same smile, just a little more hesitant, "No, you won't."

As they set up the pieces, Erik added, "I might surprise you, you know Charles."

Charles stopped his motion as he went to move a knight, and said with emotion in his voice as he stared into Erik's eyes, "You already have."

Time stood still for a moment, neither of them able to take their eyes off the other. Then Charles continued his movement and the game resumed.

The sun was high in the sky when they finished their game. It was Erik who had won. But as always, no matter who won, neither of them cared, the important thing was the duel not the result.

"Well?" inquired Erik as he closed the chess set, "Did you have time to think about my offer?"

"Did you mean it?" Charles hoped Erik couldn't hear the eagerness in his voice, because he really wanted to accept Erik's offer. But did he deserve it? Did he have a right to this home Erik was offering him? And what did a home even mean?

His hand began to tremble slightly, as if he wanted to grasp something, but didn't dare. He closed his eyes to compose himself.

He felt a hand rest on his as Erik's voice said softly, "Charles...". He opened his eyes. Erik's hand opened his clenched fist and intertwined his fingers with his. Charles slowly raised his eyes to Erik's face.

The urge to surrender, to let go, hit Charles even harder. He could see so much in Erik's eyes, but he was so afraid of being disappointed and of disappointing... again. He closed his fingers over Erik's and tried to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat.

Erik continued, "Charles, no demands, no debts, no obligations, this is completely free, I'm just offering you a simple and protected life. It's far from a castle life, but Genosha is a small, isolated island where we have created a self-sufficient community. Most of the inhabitants are like us, "retired" mutants with wounds to heal. You can-"

Charles interrupted him, "It's okay Erik, no need to say any more, I accept. " and after a moment of silence, he added, "Thank you."

Erik simply smiled, put his other hand over their entwined hands and said, "I'm just showing the same generosity that you have shown to me over and over again. No need for gratitude between us. We are just two friends and..."

Erik paused as if he were about to say something else.

"And?" asked Charles, curious about what Erik had stopped himself from saying.

For the first time since the beginning of this meeting, Erik looked a little unsettled before answering, "Nothing... well at least not now."

Charles didn't insist, he knew there was a lot to clear up between them. But now that he had decided to follow Erik to his island, he knew they had time.

"So how do we do this?"

Erik replied as he stood up, "I'll go with you to your flat, you take what you need for a few days, and we'll leave for Genosha. You can get the rest delivered later."

"So soon?"

"Why wait? Do you have obligations here, people to say goodbye to?"

"No!" replied Charles curtly, angry at having been found out once again.

He began to roll his wheelchair quickly toward the entrance of his building. Erik joined him in two strides before putting his hand on his shoulder. Charles felt bad for being so touch starved that this simple touch immediately soothed him.

"Charles, I know what it's like, I've been there. Don't get upset. It wasn't a criticism or a mockery." He squeezed Charles' shoulder before letting his hand fall back.

"I know..." sighed Charles. "Come on."

As they walked through the door of Charles' tiny apartment, sensing that Erik was about to say something, Charles admonished him, "Don't say anything."

Erik waved his hand, as if he were zipping up his mouth without hiding his smile, but finally couldn't help himself.

"My Charles, do you live in that shoebox? I'm disappointed in you! Pretty spartan."

Seeing Charles' dark glare, he pretended to surrender. "Ok, ok, I'm not saying anything more."

Charles muttered, "Liar."

Then they gathered Charles' things and a few hours later they were on their way to Genosha.

__________

Two weeks later, Charles was unpacking the last of the boxes that had just arrived, mostly books. Erik had built him some makeshift shelves. His "residence" like all of Genosha’s, was made of salvaged materials, but Charles didn't mind. Although he had always lived in a certain opulence, he knew how to make do with little.

"Need a hand?"

Erik had just stepped through the curtain that served as a door.

"I'm not saying no."

They hadn't had time to really talk and clear the air between them, but Erik was very thoughtful. Charles was a little insecure, not knowing where he stood. So he decided to just take things as they came. If he was honest with himself, he knew how he felt about Erik. But he wouldn't act, he didn't want to risk breaking the friendship they were rebuilding.

Erik had begun unpacking a box of books.

"Do you have a particular order?"

"No put them on the shelves as they come for now."

So Erik began to put the books away, commenting on some of the titles.

"Oh Charles, Charlotte Brontë really? Jane Eyre as well?"

"Hey Erik, just because you're helping me doesn't mean you have to like what I read."

"Ho Ho! You even marked a page."

Charles remembered, what page and what words he had written in the margin.

"Erik, please put that book away, it doesn't matter."

But he could see from Erik's face that he wasn't about to let go, so he resigned himself and closed his eyes waiting for a reaction, of what kind, he didn't know.

"Charles?"

Charles squeezed his eyes tighter.

"Yes?"

"Is that about me?"

Charles had a small self-deprecating laugh before he replied, "I don't know any other Erik, so yes."

"What do you mean with 'you left Erik and now I'm bleeding'?"

Charles let out a big sigh and put his head in his hands. "This is really embarrassing...it's in relation to the underlined passage that's a little higher up if I remember correctly."

He knew the phrase by heart, because it had resonated in a special way since he'd met Erik, but he hadn't expected the raw emotion that ran through him when he heard Erik read the words aloud.

“I have a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I’m afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I’d take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you’d forget me.”

Charles heard Erik put the book down, and a sound of footsteps, he still didn't want to open his eyes, he was too afraid of what he would read in Erik's eyes. He was aware of Erik's presence very close to him, then a hand clasped his.

"Charles, please look at me." Erik's voice was almost pleading, Charles didn't resist and opened his eyes, to see that Erik had knelt down to be at his level. Then he looked up at Erik's eyes, afraid of what he would find there, and gasped, Erik looked almost amazed, yes that's right, amazed.

"Charles is that how you still feel?" Erik asked him in an pressing tone, his eyes scanning his, leaving Charles no escape.

Charles swallowed, and despite his tight throat, he tried to answer, "Yes."

"But when... I mean since when?"

"When? Do you remember the day you managed to unlock your power. The day you let me access that memory? Well since that day, I've felt this very strong connection between us."

Erik tightened his grip on his hand and asked, "And those words in the margin?"

Charles' voice was a whisper, "After the missiles and the beach, when you left."

"Oh Charles, I...I'm so sorry." The regret was genuine in Erik's eyes.

"Don't be anymore, it's been a long time since I forgave you and since then I think I've made my share of mistakes and bad decisions. Some of which have more consequences than losing my legs. Raven was right, I had forgotten who I was. Why I started all this in the first place. I lost sight of what was important, I lost... I lost so much. And I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner, and... I'm not as evolved as I thought I was. You say you're sorry Erik, but you don't know how sorry I am. Forgive me I... I must..."

Charles had to go, he had to get out, the grief he had been feeling since he left school, no even before, since Raven's death, it was all threatening to come out, he didn't want to fall apart like that in front of Erik.

But Erik was keeping him from walking away. Still kneeling and holding his hand.

"Erik, please move over... let go of me, I have to get out, I-" the tears were starting to blur his vision, with his free hand he was trying to push his wheelchair forward.

"Charles, stop! You don't have to leave. You don't have to be alone anymore. You are not alone!"

Erik loosened Charles other hand's grip on the wheel, and suddenly took him in his arms, and he felt his lips move against his head and the words came to his ears "Charles, you can let go, even though I've failed you many times in the past, this time I won't. Let it go. Don't be afraid, I'll catch you."

Because Charles no longer had the strength to stay strong, because he was craving for someone to lean on, he let go. He let the grief engulf him, because he knew Erik was there and would keep him from drowning.

Erik continued to hold him and whispered over and over, "That's it, let it all out. I'm here mein Liebster. Let it out."

Once the crying dried up, exhaustion fell on Charles and he fell asleep in Erik's arms. He was sleeping so deeply that Erik had been able to lift him out of his wheelchair without him waking up and now he was lying with his back against Erik's front, his head under his chin and Erik's arms wrapped around Charles.

Erik had been torn when he saw his beloved overwhelmed by grief and wondered how long it had been since Charles had been able to express his pain. He had always been attracted to the shining side of Charles, he often compared them to two sides of the same coin. But when he'd found him in Paris, he'd seen that all that light was like dulled.

"Erik..." the still broken voice Charle continued, "Thank you..."

"Sshh Charles, I told you no thanks are needed between us."

"Yeah..." Erik felt Charles relax against him again.

"Sleep, meine Liebster."

Much later, Erik was awakened by a gentle brushing sensation on his face. He opened his eyes, found himself facing Charles, who was withdrawing his hand as if he had been caught with his hands in the jam jar.  Erik grabbed his hand and placed it back on his own cheek.

"Don't stop Charles..."

He saw Charles' expression ease as he gently stroked his face with feather-like touches, tracing Erik's facial lines with his fingertips.

Their faces were so close that Erik immediately caught sight of Charles gulping as a veil of sadness passed over his face.

"What's wrong?"

"I've lost you so many times already," Charles murmured.

"But I'm still here and so are you. Now we're together."

Erik couldn't resist, he crossed the remaining distance between them and put his lips to Charles'. It was as if everything fell into place in their worlds at that moment.

They remained for a long time, joined in a soft and almost innocent embrace.

Charles moved back and stared at Erik, looking for something in his eyes. He must have found what he was looking for because he smiled. His hand came up to brush a strand of hair from his face.

His lips parted and he pressed them to Erik's again. Erik licked the corner of his mouth and slid his tongue over his bottom lip, then kissed him. Charles quickly opened up to him, welcoming him wordlessly with his lips and hands in his hair. His tongue mimicked the actions of hers, and soon they were drinking from each other's lips, caught up in a thirst that would not seem to be quenched.

Erik slid his hands to Charles' waist, and pulled him as close as he could get. Charles' head fell back with a moan as Erik’s fingers slipped under his shirt and caressed his back. Erik took advantage of his distraction and lowered his head even further to press himself against his neck. He felt the slide of his tongue against his skin, then his teeth biting the same spot. Charles had a slight startle. His hands slid over Erik's shoulders and his fingers dug in. Erik immediately raised his head, worried about his reaction. "Not good?"

"No. Good. Really good," Charles reassured him in a gentle sigh. Erik smiled fondly and returned his attentions to Charles' neck. But Charles groaned and tugged at his hair, pulling Erik toward him so he could take his lips again.

Much later, as they both caught their breath. Lips to lips, forehead to forehead, Charles asked Erik, "I don't know if I was dreaming or not, but before you called me 'mein liebster', 'my dearest' if I am not mistaken."

For the first time since he had known him, Charles saw Erik's cheeks turn slightly pink. However, Erik's voice was perfectly assured as he replied, "You were not dreaming mein Liebster." He punctuated his words with a tender kiss.

"Unless you prefer, mein Schatz, my treasure." Another kiss.

"Or mein Geliebter, my beloved." Another kiss.

It was now Charles's turn to have slightly red cheeks. But he, too, looked Erik squarely in the eye and asked, "Is that really what I am?"

"Yes, my love and much more." Erik emphasized this with another kiss.

"Since when?"

"I'll show you. By looking into my thoughts in the brightest corner of my sensory memory like you did that time, you will find an additional memory beyond the one you found to help me unlock my powers."

Charles began to protest, "No Erik, I don't want to-"

Erik put a finger over his mouth, "Shhh, I'm asking you to."

He took Charles' hand and placed his fingers against his temple, in the familiar gesture he had when he wanted to access someone's thoughts.

Erik, visibly moved, addressed Charles, "What did you just do to me?"

"I accessed the brightest corner of your memory system. It's a very beautiful memory, Erik. Thank you"

"I didn't know I still had that."

Charles put his hand on his shoulder and said with strength and emotion in his voice, "There's so much more to you than you know. Not just pain and anger. There's good to you, I felt it. And when you can access all that, you'll possess a power no one can match. Not even me."

When Charles exited Erik's head, they were both deeply moved by the strength of the emotions of the shared memory.

Erik pressed his forehead against Charles'.

"What you told me that day, that there was good to me, that you felt it. It's a memory as happy as my mother's. It was also that day that I felt the connection between us. That I knew that-"

Erik paused for a moment.

"That you knew what?"

"That I was hopelessly and madly in love with you. I love you Charles. We've fought together, we've clashed, we've been through terrible trials sometimes together, sometimes against each other, but this, what I feel for you has always been my ultimate truth. I love you Charles."

Charles once again gasped, this time at the open adoration he read on Erik's face.

He raised his hand to his face, tracing the outline of it he said, his voice broken, "Despite all the detours I've taken, all the bad decisions you or I have made, every time, when it counted, you were there by my side, that unchanging presence. I can't tell where you start and where I end. I love you Erik, more than my life."

There. That moment. This moment of perfect communion after all they had been through. The fate, the choices, the events that had separated them, brought them together in a spiral that never seemed to end, it was all over. It was time for them to live. It wasn't the end, it was the beginning. This was their story.

___________

Although I am very familiar with X-men - Movie verse, I have never written for this fandom before. After rewatching Dark Phoenix, I'm only holding onto this ending scene. I wanted to write about Erik and Xavier from there. I hope I did them justice.

Not beta'd I hope you enjoyed your reading.

[variant-archive]

Hey y'all. Here with a little update. I've been going to therapy weekly and working intensely on trauma and inner child re-parenting and making some very heavy realizations which is part of why I've been absent. The other part is that I guess sometimes the mogai tumblr community doesn't feel like a safe place to express myself anymore as it has become extremely divided over several individual issues that people will straight up sui-bait you over no matter what your opinion is on it and actual discourse just doesn't exist anymore, it's straight up psychological warfare that is unavoidable no matter what you believe or who you are. I've been talking to my therapist about this, because it bothers me so much and I feel like the community is collectively gaslighting each other into thinking that this hostility is normal and appropriate behavior when faced with disagreements. I don't like that children are heavily involved in these disputes and get picked on by grown adults who should be setting an example for them or trying to give them the context and information to make up their own damn minds instead of covertly intimidating them. Yes, some of these opinions make me upset and angry and it's okay to express that, but when it crosses the line into bullying it just hurts everyone and widens the community schizm that perpetuates this targeted antagonistic behavior no matter how much you think they "deserve it". And don't get me wrong, I have strong opinions and a lengthy DNI because I'm uncomfortable interacting with certain people due to their beliefs, but I feel like even though my opinions are for the most part agreed on by my peers I could still be scrutinized over being too inclusive or too nuanced or too understanding. Like what the hell. I'm done being scared and being complicit in the mistreatment of people. For starters, I'm going to be more open about how I feel about certain things, in a positive way.

Androgynes and femboys exist as established genders in the community and should be accepted as they currently exist and will always exist without being scrutinized and seen as a threat. I'm a xemboy and I'm not changing for fucking anyone. I have an androgyne friend who has been tormented by discourse even though this friend is intersex. Fae/faer pronouns and genderfae are valid, well established and aren't appropriative, I'm faekin with a cultural background heavily involved with the fae and, by the way, Europeans don't even own the concept of fae. There are similar spirits from all over the world and fae aren't constrained to any location or form. Maybe I'm just too inclusive though. But I'm okay with that. Let people be themselves, let established communities thrive and safely express themselves without dismantling them over some historical context. Bisexual can also refer to plants producing both sex gametes, gay and homo are STILL effectively used as slurs, and there are so many problematic historical implications for identities nobody is targeting that it's clear to me that these identities are being targeted for other reasons. I hate hypocrisy. My autistic brain cannot grasp hypocrisy and cherry-picking and selective moral enforcement. If people would just be consistent and apply their logic evenly and fairly it wouldn't make me so mad.

Ah. That felt good. I want to come back soon, but not before making myself clear: I do not support or tolerate bullying or abuse, period. I'm against the grain that has formed in the community over time. In this corner of the community, compassion and understanding is transgressive. I've been around since mogai-archive was made and I've watched this whole situation develop over the years, with complete disgust and disappointment and fear and horror. And I won't be a part of it anymore. If I'm genuinely going to contribute positively to the community as I've been trying to for over a decade I can't be intimidated into being complicit in this farce of "discourse" disguising truly disgusting acts and manipulation of minors under the justification that if you're right you get to say whatever you want to people who are wrong. Having all the "right opinions" doesn't make you a good, pure person who can do no wrong. Especially other adults- we have a responsibility to protect and guide the minors in the community who look up to us as sources of wisdom. If you're a minor who has been affected by this situation, I'm truly sorry, because us community elders have collectively failed you. But it'll be okay. I'm taking the first step into taking responsibility for this mess and the negative mental impact on y'alls development. I can only hope that others will join me in calling out the hypocrisy and harm we've perpetuated and make an effort to correct it. Abusive behavior should not be allowed or encouraged or normalized. Then maybe we can actually start discussing these issues so people can form opinions in the healthy critical way instead of tossing psychological artillery back and forth to demoralize and destroy the "enemy".

Sorry for the rant... I've been hurting for a long time over this, watching this happen over several years and getting worse and worse. If I'm going to continue my work in the community I must be responsible no matter what people think or what risk it brings to me. I have to be strong.

[sunset-spring]

Hi again. I wanted to ask you another question that I'm a little afraid to ask, but I've noticed you're a big Pokemon fan so I was curious as to what your thoughts are on the National Dex controversy. I've felt that Nintendo's arguments for not including every Pokemon in the game have made sense, but everyone is tearing apart their game even though it hasn't come out yet and it's all felt very unfair to me. Especially since their reactions have been so extreme...

I feel like the National Dex thing is an understandable disappointment, but the reaction has gotten so extreme that it’s ballooned away from most of the reasonable complaints I’ve seen raised about it.

In terms of how it effects gameplay, I personally don’t see it having an extremely detrimental effect on how the game is played. Reasons I’ve seen from disappointed fans have been for three reasons, at least that I’ve seen:

Emotional attachment to a pokemon, most likely a favorite, that a player wants to bring with them to the new region.

Having a player’s entire roster of competitive pokemon for VGC.

A player a living dex they worked hard to complete for past games, made up of the entire pokedex with all 800 pokemon for completion sake. 

All of these points are understandable, and these certainly aren’t the only points (I’ll get to others later). But there are a few flaws to these arguments when used as the basis for the entire case of this being an incredibly game breaking decision. They might be deal breakers for a lot of people, which again makes sense, everybody is looking for something different in their pokemon experience. But it doesn’t destroy the playability of the game overall, and doesn’t guarantee that the game will be terrible.

First, wanting to bring your favorite pokemon to the new region. It’s understandable; as many have stated, “Every Pokemon is someone’s favorite.” But when it comes to actually using them during the game, there are a few problems. 

Pokemon has always had a system in place via badges and other progress markers that bars the player from using pokemon above a certain level. That way the player can’t just breeze through every battle in the game by grinding or using a pokemon transferred in at a higher level. As a result, if you have a pokemon that you’ve had for multiple generations, it’s likely going to be at a very high level from being used so much. Therefore the only time you’ll get to use that pokemon is in the post game. And that post game is only going to be something that keeps the player engaged for so long. Even if the post game is incredibly good, it is still a much shorter portion of the game that will only keep players’ playing for so long. And if you’ve already spent the entirety of the main story with a new team of pokemon, a player will likely have already grown attached to those pokemon as well and will likely keep using them in the post game as well. So at that point, it’s more likely that they’ll just be sitting in a box for the majority of the game.

Competitive has some more weight in criticism, as there is a possibility that some pokemon could be cut that cause some competitive team build to be excluded. However, in terms of how many pokemon are competitively viable out of all Pokemon, I don’t think that many competitively viable ones will be cut. Mostly because when there are over 800 pokemon, I doubt that the competitive viable ones are the majority. There’s likely a lot more in the majority that aren’t usable that will be trimmed down. In interviews, one of the reasons given was to balance competitive more evenly. 

There’s certainly reason to question whether the results will be satisfactory, but when it comes to balancing it’s tricky business in general. Because competitive play isn’t the only aspect of the game. They’re also trying to create a setting for the game that is organic and immersive. It can’t just be competitively viable, because as stated in the first point “Every Pokemon is someone’s favorite.” So if they only catered pokemon in the game to competitive players, that’d exclude a lot of pokemon that other players enjoy. So there’s not necessarily a good compromise to please both of these sides.

And finally, what I think gets to the heart of the decision of limiting the dex for me, the National Dex itself and the living dex. It’s frustrating that those who’ve put in the effort to maintain a living dex, because that’s a heck of a lot of work. There’s over 800 pokemon, and as of recent interviews with Masuda, there are now 1000 unique forms and models as of Sword and Shield. 

But that’s why they chose to limit it to only the Galar Dex in Sword and Shield. That’s a huge amount of Pokemon to expect every player to catch. They discussed in these same interviews that they were considering limiting the dex in Sun and Moon as well, which I believe is why they chose not to include a National Dex in the Alola region. While players who are willing to go through the trouble of maintaining a living Pokedex is great, having that as an in game goal, even if not necessarily required, is a hugely daunting task to expect a lot of players to complete. And as they continue to expand the pokedex with new pokemon, that’s only going to become more challenging and more alienating to players who haven’t already been doing so for every generation. And even if it’s not an in game goal to complete the national dex, the number of pokemon has reached a number where it’s not very feasible for players to use all pokemon in one game, even via rotation of teams in the post game. There’s just too many for it, and it’s likely that by the time someone has a new game will be coming out and expanding the dex even more. So there’s no reasonable time frame for someone to use every Pokemon without a majority of them just sitting in the box most of the time.

Debate as to whether it’s possible at this point to include all pokemon in Sword and Shield with the power of the Switch has persisted through the community, including discussion of development time and whether a delay to the game or patches would alleviate pressure on Game Freak so they don’t overwork. And those are all valid and important discussions to have; the game industry has a problem with overworking employees and discussing how tight a schedule Pokemon is on with it’s timed releases of multiple products - merch, Trading Cards, the Anime - could be putting pressure on that should be addressed. 

But while those discussions are important, I feel it also misses a very large point about the decision. It isn’t necessarily about having the ability to put everything in the game right now. Even if they do, this is still going to be an issue for future games, especially any time they have to change systems going forward. This is and always has been a long term issue that Pokemon was eventually going to have to face by the very nature of how Pokemon is as a game. A delay or patch to Sword and Shield to include everything right now wouldn’t be anything more than a bandage on that problem. So they decided to rip that off now to get it over with. 

However, there are also some other genuine critiques that I will agree with and bring up. And the biggest one that I think contributed the most to why the controversy became so big in the first place, at least to me, is Pokemon HOME and it’s advertising.

Because of how they chose to market Pokemon HOME as a way to transfer your Pokemon up to new games with Sword and Shield as the primary examples (because they’re the only ones currently available), that made the news of the transfer being limited to the Galar dex very jarring. Especially when we have so little information about how Pokemon HOME will actually work. 

There are a few counter points to this, such as how the release of Pokemon HOME will be well after the game’s release anyway. Not only that, but it’s also been hinted that there may be some gameplay features to Pokemon HOME as well, so it isn’t just a payed storage system. That way if pokemon are transferred, they won’t just be stuck in limbo if they aren’t in Sword and Shield. But the timing and advertising of Pokemon HOME is still an issue, as well as still not having a lot of new information revealed about it after this reveal. This could be relieved once more information comes out, and I think the sooner they do, the better.

So overall, while disappointment is absolutely understandable, I don’t believe that this one aspect of the game being changed is going to have such a big impact to be what destroys what good the game had before this was revealed. And the extreme reaction that it’s gotten feels like a bit of an overreaction. Being frustrated or believing it’s a bad decision is one thing, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a reaction this largely negative in reaction to something Pokemon related in… ever, in all honesty. 

And whether it’s a decision you agree or disagree with, it’s just a game. I don’t think it’s worth so much discourse in the grand scheme of things. This is one decision that Game Freak let players know about well in advance. They didn’t wait until after release or way later like other game releases from other companies. They let people know ahead of time. So if the lack of pokemon is a deal breaker, people can cancel pre-orders and whatnot. And based on everything we’ve seen - from the Wild Area to the new pokemon and so many other features - they’re trying to make a good game. Again, it’s ok to be upset by it, but I don’t think the amount of rage this subject is getting is worth it.

[gucci-depressione]

I've been watching Brooklyn Nine Nine for the past couple hours and I just finished S5 E10 and hin9it made me cry a little.

Like when Rosa came out to her parents as bisexual and how they reacted is very similar to when I came out as pansexual to my family. Well minus all the shouting and crying.

And the conversation she had with her dad on the roof at the presinct when he said that he was sorry for how he reacted and how this was all new to him and he still loves her broke me because my dad (after a couple weeks) apologized for upsetting me and said that he'll try to learn more about the LGBTQ+. It's taken a long time but he doesn't really have any problems with people dating the same gender. He's still a transphobe but I'm trying to get him to not be.

But my mum is still a homophobe and I think she hates me for being pansexual. I thought that she would get used to it over time like my dad did but 2.5 years later, she hasn't accepted me for who I am and I've come to the conclusion that she never will accept me for being pan. I'm also ace but I'm never gonna tell my parents until I move out. And it's gotten to the point where whenever the LGBTQ+ community is mentioned in anyway my mum will a) slightly glare at me, warning me not to say anything and b) I'll leave the room because I know that my mum will say something homophobic and I'll disagree and then we'll have a fight and she'll kick me out again.

But I'm slightly worried that if we get into a huge fight about it like we did last year when she kicked me out for hours and locked the door and wouldn't let me in until around 10pm, then she'll kick me out permanently as I'm 17. That's why I want to move out as soon as I graduate. I don't care where it is as long as I'm away from here. It's not that I hate my family or anything, I love them. It's just that I don't really feel that safe here anymore and I'm constantly getting told what I can and can't do and my mental health isn't taken seriously by my family (mainly my mother).

She's also constantly putting me down and comparing me to my older brother because he's the perfect child and he's everything my mum wanted me to be and I get the feeling that she's disappointed in me for not being more like him. But I'm not and she has to accept that I'm not her perfect little princess and I know that I'm a failure and a disappointment and will probably not achieve anything in life and I don't care that she's my mother, it's not fair that she gets to treat me and my siblings like this.

I've told her time and time again to not bring up certain topics because they make me feel uncomfortable and even more insecure about myself. And what does she do? She talks about my insecurities and other topics right in front of me, even though she fucking KNOWS how they make me feel. And I fucking hate having to put up with this. I jnwo I should stand up for myself but my mum scares me so much. I don't know what to fucking do anymore. I can't take this for much longer.

I've been thinking about this for the past few years and quarantine also helped me realise is that I need time away from my family. A lot of time. Just have somewhere to go and stay for a while where I can work on getting my mental health sorted out and to just basically reflect on my life. Also someplace where I can fully embrace who I am without any consequences. That's why I wanna move out as soon as possible. But I don't have a job so I'm probably not gonna be able to move out until I'm in my Twenties and honestly, I'm not looking forward to having to it.

I really want to sit her down and have a conversation with her about all this and more but I'm really scared of how she's gonna react. And knowing her, I won't even get past the first sentence before she starts yelling at me and some other stuff and that's why I haven't told her any of this yet and I probably never will. I'm just so scared of how she's gonna react to all this and I don't want to damage our already damaged relationship anymore that it already is.

I've been avoiding her more and more ever since we went into qurentine but our house is small and I hear her talking about me and my siblings sometimes and even though I can't always make out what she's saying exactly, I can tell by her tone that whatever she's saying about us is not good. Now I could be wrong but if she has something nice to say, she'll say it to our faces. And if not then she'll talk about us behind our back.

[frogsandfries]

Gonna be a long, long ride home

D'oy. And I might have to run back over to JoAnn's tomorrow because I'm not sure that I'm going to like the colors I picked up for use in my project, and I might be better off getting the colors I was originally going to go with.

I managed to pick up an extra shift in a couple weeks. I'm a little annoyed they didn't just give it to me since I had the space in my schedule.

I don't know if I've mentioned, but I just started texting this guy I started to chat with in a dating app, we started chatting toward the end of last month, so it's been a couple weeks. We're texting in WhatsApp; I was kind of hoping to keep my number a little more private. After my "friend" from Arizona turned out to be.......... kinda narcissistic? I still feel very mistrustful of people I get to know via texted communication.

I started chatting with someone at the bus stop and we were commiserating about the public transit in the small city we live in, how the buses are about as un-punctual as it's possible to be. It's good even in passing to commiserate with someone who gets it.

I feel like I say a lot, I think I would be happy to find someone who is crazy about me and wants to care for me and make me happy. Being like, passionately in love isn't as important to me as being cherished and having a healthy relationship. Maybe that's maladaptive of me. So I do hope to meet this guy. If we can ever get a couple days off at the same time. I wouldn't mind taking a charter where he is, but at the same time, I'd rather he came into the area I'm familiar with. Again, if we could ever arrange a couple days off together. He's a flight attendant and can be gone on trips for a few days at a time, which would kinda make for an interesting relationship. I don't want a couple days off so that we can definitely spend a couple days together, but just to give some elbow room to meet up.

I'm probably a little gun-shy after the last guy that I fell crazy in love with and it turned out he was all bad news, took advantage of my feelings for him. Who knows, maybe he was trying to get me pregnant to get out of his current relationship. Maybe he was disappointed that I didn't become pregnant with his child. It's...... hard to say. Like, once I stopped serving his purpose, once I conveyed that having sex with him was really upsetting to me because he was with her and wouldn't just quit that relationship and kept lying to keep her around, and I really, really enjoyed it, but my enjoyment was ruined by guilt; once I stopped serving his purpose, I was just in his way and no longer of interest to him. Admittedly, there may very well be more to it than that. The whole time we were in Arizona, I kind of persisted that he was lying to her anyway, why doesn't he end the relationship, we couldn't have sex if he was going to lie to her, and then I resented not having the very sex that upset and confused me. Honestly, I would've needed space from that too. I did need space from the confusion. I dunno; maybe it isn't really, truly narcissism. Maybe it really is his autism. Maybe he really had the best intentions. Maybe he's not ignoring me because I'm of no use to him; maybe he's just overall withdrawn. Maybe he really did care for me, but also cares for his little trollie doll. Maybe he just wants to be the hero, the protector, the defender and he just couldn't be mine.

As well certain as I am that he'll be back, because he came back once, because I'm pretty certain that at the very least he thinks we're friends, but I hold out hope that in his way, he truly cares for me, I need to move on with my life. It would be hysterical, in a sick, twisted way, to have a beautiful Latin@ baby, and for him to roll around one day and be like, remember when we moved back to your parents', the last time we had sex? Guess what.

That would be utterly unkind. Plus, I would have to get pregnant like now and THAT sure as hell isn't happening!

Even if I spend a few weekends with this guy I'm talking to now; sure, I kinda knew from the off that I couldn't really, really trust my "friend". And everything I said to anyone back home the whole time, they were mad at him, and even though I'm still certain it was because they didn't know his side of the story, I should've trusted my gut. But I fucking never do. Even his own mother, the one woman in the world who would give him the last ten dollars in her pocket, even knowing he would blow it on video games or alcohol, told me--and this said it all--she had wanted him to ditch his troll doll for me, but that I deserved better. I deserve better.

And I need to trust my instincts.

People truly can be whoever they want to be, whoever you want them to be, behind the screen.

I learned that lesson for myself.

I've kind of always wondered and doubted though, if I could truly fall in love. I fought my instincts because I was crazy about that person I'd come to know through a screen. But he didn't really exist, and my gut was telling me, and my heart was screaming, he's real, he's real. That caused a lot of pain and confusion. Because he did take care of me. He kinda was my hero for a while.

But I will never understand someone who looks at someone and goes, yup. That one. Forever and ever. And somehow...... they're happy?? Or mostly happy??

Every of the few encounters I've had with romance makes me more and more timid because I just........ choose badly. Terribly. My first deep crush was, just an angel, so sweet, he was my best friend. He moved away and I never heard from him again. My second deep crush, well.... Been there, fucked that. More accurately, been fucked. By someone who, instead of romanticizing, I should remember never wanted to or chose to, whatever same difference, remember fucking me. Except that one last time.

Never believe a man who only says he loves you when your mouth is full of dick. He only loves you for what he can get from you. Even if that's not what he thinks.

Anyway, other than my two crushes, there was my first "love" who I thought would be my hero, who I ended up pushing away out of desperation to keep him closer, even though I knew it wouldn't last.

My second relationship I knew almost from the beginning probably wouldn't last, but I held on because I thought our partnership was my light at the end of the tunnel. So note to anyone reading this, unless you're in to that, never, ever date anyone whose parents had to bribe-slash-trick them into getting a job, and if they quit their job weeks after getting into a relationship with you, DUMP. THEM. If it takes them more than six months to find a job on their own, DUMP. THEM. Unless you're into that kind of thing. No judgment.

So yeah, I've had rotten luck in the love/romance department. I'm not a dominant. I'm not masculine. I'm not feminine. I want to mostly carry my own weight; I don't trust anyone to fully take care of me, and why should I? I come from a damaging background. I'm conscious of my neglectful decision-making. I'm tired of staying in relationships when I know they aren't good for me, let alone the other person, and I'm tired of ignoring my instinct to run because it was hard to get there or I have nowhere to go.

So maybe it's overly cautious to be like, yeah, I want to get to know this guy, I've never met him face to face before, I haven't gotten his vibe yet. But the one time I was like, no I know this guy, we've talked for years....... Maybe it's selfish to bank on him liking me way more than I like him. But I want to be objective. I want to come in, get a good vibe from him. I want him to be crazy about me in the best way, and I want to build a healthy relationship built of mutual respect, mutual ability to point out each other's flaws that are impacting our relationship and to be able to improve each other and our relationship. I want to build a mature relationship with someone. I want to come into this potential relationship--as I've come into all previous relationships wanting--to meet a man (because generally, I would like to meet someone masculine who can ideally fertilize eggs; masculine is a hard line, how they fertilize eggs is flexible) who I can come to trust to take care of me, emotionally, physically, and maybe, maybe, financially. I want to meet someone who is willing to lay the foundation with what I give them--because I always give a degree of initial trust, trust is the currency--to build off that initial investment of trust. I want to build a mature relationship with someone.

Oh god I invited this guy to Thanksgiving with my younger sister, my dad, brother and my brother's partner.

Ohhhhh gawd, I told him my dad is transitioning and I identify as genderqueer and now I'm explaining gender stuff to him ohhhhhhhhhhh gawd.