#because let's be real moving away from fanart would be the smart thing to do

[peathepirate]

Now that I know I’ll finish Wings this year, I’m slowly brainstorming new ideas for a longer comic project. But there’s too many options and I’m getting overwhelmed. It’s been so easy to focus on one story for these past two and a half years. What am I even going to do after Wings is done? Do another fancomic? Start creating my own characters and stories? I feel so lost – and Wings isn’t even finished yet! How am I going to feel once it’s actually done? I’m scared 😅

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for staying friends with someone?

I (25, nonbinary) became friends with someone (19F) online because they liked a fanfic I wrote. Let's call her Jessie. At first, Jessie messaged me just to say she enjoyed my fic and shared a fanart she drew of it. I was absolutely blown away by that, and let her know how nice her art was. Which started us having a pretty normal online friendship. Chatting about silly fandom things or ranting about our jobs or school or whatever. She is a really smart and funny person!

Jessie started writing fanfic, which I encouraged. It's fun to write! Of course I would read her fanfic and let her know I enjoyed it.

But then it turned into her only messaging me to read her fanfic. Like, we never can hold a conversation anymore without it turning to talking about her fanfic. I don't even bring up my own fics anymore because I know it will switch the conversation to Jessie's fics.

And, Jessie started to pressure me to write her ideas. Like "Oh, this would be a good idea! You should write this! When are you going to write this! I'll be waiting to read it. Have you written it yet?" When I never agreed to write it. Half the time, it's not even something I would want to write.

Or, I read this one fic and wrote a post on tumblr about how much I enjoyed it, and then minutes later had Jessie spamming my messages about how I should make a post promoting her fics. And exactly which ones I should promote because they don't get enough attention.

But the most recent thing Jessie has been doing that has annoyed me is continuously asking "If I think her fics are just as good as my fics". Like, I'm not a talented author, in my opinion. I'm pretty average. But I feel like the answer Jessie wants is for me to say Jessie's fics are better than mine. It always feels like Jessie wants to put myself under her which is...just not a good feeling. I usually just say I think we are about the same, but Jessie never seems satisfied with that answer.

I feel like our friendship has shifted to Jessie only wanting to use me for attention and the small amount of publicity I can offer. (Which isn't much. It's not like I am a well-known person or anything. I'm certainly not exactly a BNF writer or anything)

Here is where I am asking if I am an asshole. I've gotten to the point where I don't even LIKE Jessie anymore. Her actions have just...soured our relationship. I just roll my eyes when I see a notification from her, or shit talk her in real life to my brother. I procrastinate answering her messages.

But I really don't want to be mean to her face. She has had a really hard time in life. Her parents are kinda shit and her boyfriend left her (which he wasn't so great either). She has a ton of health issues, money issues, relationship issues, etc. I don't want to just drop her and make things worse for her life. But also, I just kinda can't stand the behavior anymore.

Part of me thinks I should just set up more clear boundaries, but on the other hand I just don't want to put in the effort of fighting her for those boundaries. And I am pretty sure it would be a fight.

Am I an asshole for continuing the motions of a friendship for a person I don't even like anymore? Should I just end the friendship and let them move on, or would that be worse?

(Asdfghjkl123)

What are these acronyms?

[mattzerella-sticks]

Listen, I feel like the real divide in this Supernatural fandom isn’t about Misha not being in the finale, Destiel’s canonicity, or the family don’t end in blood/two brothers and a car message dichotomy.

I’m not saying that those aren’t valid reasons for being disatisfied/liking this finale, but these are all things we - in the fandom - have fought about before. These are also things that don’t really bleed out into the GA that could lead to such a big war while maintaining casual, surface level interest and not talking about the deeper stuff.

What is really splitting the fandom is Dean’s death.

Because from what I’m seeing there are two main camps - either you thought Dean’s death was fitting, or you thought Dean didn’t deserve it. You thought it was completely in line for his character to go out fighting, or you saw he didn’t want to die and wanted to live. You knew that, without Chuck, there was no more ‘plot armor’ protecting them, but are split on the ramifications of what it meant to have him die and what happened after his death. Either his death made sense for a final episode, or it didn’t.

And that’s the - pun intented - nail on the head. No one likes when a main character dies on a show, whether or not it ‘aligned with storytelling’. That’s not to discredit the “you can’t please everyone” track. Because, if they were smart about how Dean died, then we wouldn’t be in this mess.

Show that he had more time after them defeating Chuck to have enjoyed his life more - they cut at least 7 minutes from this finale, they could have squeezed in a better montage or done things that showed a better passage of time that showed he had years instead of weeks or months that we thought (and if it was years, that breaks my heart even more for Miracle because dogs never know what happens to owners who never come back). Make better mention of the cast of characters we’ve had throughout the years instead of a few throwaway lines! Have Dean ask about Eileen, maybe Sam references a date they have in a week when she rolls into town, or Sam reveals they split because it didn’t work out! Knowing more time had passed would have made Dean’s and Sam’s casual discussion about Cas and Jack not seem awkward and stiff, making no sense. Or, better yet, have Cas be brought back - we didn’t need to know how if time had passed we’ll just assume! And maybe Cas did die sometime between bringing him back and then, going to Heaven as a human. Dying knowing Dean loved him. At least then, when Dean dies, we’d say “now he’s with Cas” because they discussed their feelings, even if Dean’s confession was off-screen.

Like this whole weekend I’ve been going back and forth saying the finale was terribly written, then that it made sense with the story they wanted to tell for the finale except it didn’t make sense with the story of the show, then “oh, those are some good points you brought up that make sense but I still hate it” and, ultimately... I’m tired. 

Did Dean have to die in this finale, no. Does his death make sense in the greater scheme of things? I can see how and why. Did the writers do everything they could to mitigate what responses such a bold risk like killing off a beloved main character tied to some very triggering subject matters might cause, even though “it’s okay, he’s in Heaven”? Absolutely not. 

And that’s why Jensen was right to be wary about this ending. He was the right amount of close to Dean to tell them. The cast and crew and writers and TPTB are probably thinking we need some time after this finale to get over it, but really I think they need time away to think about what they did. Take to heart our actual concerns and stop thinking of us as ‘privileged’ or ‘whiny’ because we, as fans, have been paying their salaries for the better part of ten years through our support and adoration.

So if you’re mad. Stay mad. Don’t let it consume you, but never forget the betrayal and be more cautious where you spend your time and money. If you see some Supernatural merch, make sure money is going to independent content creators. See people who write fanfiction or stories inspired by the characters? Engage and share - get these people notoriety. If you want to watch Walker, sure, but you don’t have to livetweet or liveblog it if you want. No one is forcing you to make fanfiction or fanart for it. Show the CW and whoever supported this ending that, while mourning might hurt, it’s better to sit and grow from these feelings on Earth then forgetting about them and ‘moving on to a better place’ like they love doing with their properties.

There is no peace, because we are not done.

[fandom-sheep]

MCC 18 SEP 21

Yellow Yacks and Cyan Coyotes with a little Aqua Axolotls. Part 1/1

The only reason I didn’t forget MCC was because I got the notification for Eret.

I have Wilbur on my TV. I’m going to watch Eret on my phone. And I’ll have Tommy on my iPad probably.

Wilbur throwing a tantrum and saying he won’t play.

I feel like a true Gen Z member with my multiple screens of minecraft.

I’m only just getting the Wilbur notification.

I love watching everyone run around before MCC and scale things.

Griefing the thumbnail. 😂

Wilbur just causes problems on purpose when it comes to group photos doesn’t he.

He just loves finding ways to cause problems.

Wilbur got a coconut!?!

I didn’t mean to type the question mark originally. But I am a bit confused.

Wilbur just stocking up on coconuts

True friendship is a quote book. I have several.

Baby banana boo.

Wait. I heard the word tumblr

Scott what did you do with tumblr?

I’m scared. Only Eret permitted on tumblr.

I remember watching hole in the wall as a tv show as a kid.

Wilbur’s glasses that don’t do anything.

There are September discounts for subbing?

Neato.

The conversations in my work discord are something else.

Not surprised that Wilbur is going for top swearer of MCC

But my residents are going to walk by my door and judge me.

Alright I apparently wasn’t signed in to twitch on my iPad and it took me entirely too long to learn to remember it.

Tommy looks like he’s really concentrating. Oh wait never mind.

Wow the yaks are in first currently. I might be cheering for a winning team for once.

Alright I have my iPad split screen between Tommy and the MCC website.

Everyone break the elevator!

In the game, not in the building I work. I don’t want that paperwork.

Stick together and place many block.

I’ve been in Wilburs position. “I’ll be captain” “yeah let’s let Wilbur be captain”

Not a single POV I have up is synced. But that’s life.

Oh not starting out strong.

Just keep going. Ignore the falling people just like ranboo last time.

We are at the absolute bottom for this game.

Where’s a bag of popcorn or something?

“Stay down there. That’s how I won that one time” -Ranboo

Down they go.

They didn’t have anywhere to run.

Second round!

Oh that wasn’t their best idea. It was fun seeing Erets POV of that.

Go Teams.

Turning down the volume on yellow yacks to listen to aqua axolotls.

Aqua please. You have so much potential.

Nope.

Switching audio again.

Yellow back at the bottom.

Ranboo ranboo ranboo ranboo

Down he goes. 😂 the timing of that was funny.

Please. Don’t die

Wilbur. Scott. Please.

Scott uncovering the creeper.

Their plan is literally just sit and be.

To be fair that’s my plan for everything I do.

Oh cobwebs are smart.

I’m eating very salty Chick-fil-A chips and need water.

We are still doing ok. Wow.

Cobwebs man. The real MVP.

They are still in 10th

COBWEBS!!! And Wilbur standing on the edge of a block.

THEY WON THAT?!?!!!!

It moved them from last to eight. But still. Wow.

Holy cow. How did that happen.

I always forget what the acronym game is.

Oh yeah. Wilbur snuck and found this. I remember.

Go team!

Oh the website updates faster than the game. But we’re starting off decent.

I’m going to have to take back that statement aren’t I?

Go go go go

Fly fly fly fly

Build build build build

Go Wilbur!

Rafter strat.

Wilbur found the rafters and everyone else loved it.

Blocking his own jump. 😂

I really should do the inside joke chair emoji thing for laughing. But I don’t care.

Tiktok is nice. Depends on the side you are on, but it’s nice.

We are doing halfway decent. I’m proud of us.

Wilbur is struggling and I think he might cry.

Not bad. I don’t think.

Power sweater.

This game in MCC has rainbow road vibes

I’ll have to make that it’s own post since I feel that’ll be popular ish.

Holy cow we hit first on the website!! How?

Ranboo sweet one.

They said no peaking to Wilbur.

Wilbur making them block stuff off and the like is so funny.

Run yaks run!

I missed the moment Wilbur just mentioned. Oh well I’m sure I’ll see the clip.

First last first.

Hey 4th overall. Look at em.

Wilbur switching to full screen to show us his M&Ms.

Let me balance my water bottle on the bedpost above my head. No way this could possibly go wrong in multiple ways.

Double coins. Gorgeous.

Chickens are being sniped.

What’s going to work? TEAM WORK!

I don’t think I have ever watched a game of grid runners in my life?

Alright game should start any second because it started on the website.

Alright stream is delayed about 13 seconds.

Go teams go!

Wilbur just sniping targets.

We’re doing ok.

All this dirt.

Go go go

We’re completing things first.

Cake!

Wilbur got in!

Now they eat

Oh but they are falling.

Oh wow the painting is complicated. My friends and I would fail to communicate so fast.

Is this lever thing just find the button but complicated?

Go you got the levers!

Items grab!

My friends and I would seriously struggle unless I was allowed the lead. But I would lead us off a cliff.

Everyone get ready to go in as soon as the cake is done.

Exit! You guys are so close! Please!

Woohoo!

Go Ranboo! Go Scott!

Come on guys. Come on. Good communication.

I think I like watching Wilbur with MCC because he had a similar strategy to what I would do.

Wilbur why did you try to act cool!!!

They keep saying they are miles ahead but not according to that scoreboard.

You placed 3rd. Good job y’all.

I’m excited for bonuses.

They have another minute until the others run out of time.

Good soup.

Oh wow. Ranboo and Wilbur really are always totgehe.

We are doing well. I see the board changing on the website so much.

Where will they land.

Looks like 2nd or 3rd

Fourth overall. Not bad.

Lap time is logical.

Audience vote?

Look at me redownloading twitter.

Can you not see how others have voted on twitter?

Oh there it is. It only showed mine for a sec there.

Battle box looks close. I voted ace race.

Oh it all looks close right now.

Long break my beloved.

I don’t have time to start my laundry but still. My beloved.

Game 5/8 so MCC won’t be too much longer.

I look up and Wilbur is shaking his ass at George. I’m not surprised.

Phil and Sneeg judging Wilbur.

Wilbur twerking on Phil and Sneeg joining.

Poor Phil.

Wilbur just having visited so many random places with so many random words just gathered.

Oh wow parkour tag is low. But so is sands.

Oh wow it was a tie. Between Sands and Parkour

“Wilbur is Sand Daddy” -Scott and then all the agreement noises.

Sands of Time is my favorite practical game

Maybe because Wilbur is really good at it. And Ranboo had been trained by him.

This is just good.

I swear Sand daddy is going to kill me during this.

I am just going to pass away.

My stream delay though.

Wilbur who says he stays very quiet as he makes circus music noises.

Minecraft Rhinos. Because I can’t spell their real name.

I don’t quite understand sand of time. But I like watching. It’s like college football.

I am missing the only college football game I care about for MCC.

Go Team.

No blue yet.

All the mobs.

“You better not die” sung to the tune of Santa clause is coming yo town. -Wilbur

Keep it up guys.

Oh no. They lost the key.

Oh good they found the key.

You can tell Wilbur had a musicians brain. He just hears something vaguely lyrical and starts singing a song.

Gotta promote your band whenever you can I guess.

I listened to the last Ep for like an hour and a half yesterday while I went about my day.

I wonder how we’re doing?

Only a few seconds.

I could warm a heating pad in the amount fo time they have left.

Ranboo doing these puzzles so amazingly.

Quit caring about what others think. Just do your thing.

I swear the sand daddy thing.

I love the cage of shame for not tracking your sand.

I zoned out. Red cyan orange?

We’re almost 15 minutes into sands.

I want to play Minecraft on my iPad right now.

Wait the website updated. We were 6th?

Yikes. I thought they did better.

3rd overall though!

Wait what was that about most influential improv thingy? Good for them.

Build mart!

Oh Ace Race. Wilbur calling Ace Race his girlfriend now.

I want to see the enemies to lovers fan fictions of Ace race and Wilbur.

Oh wait I can do that. I can verbally tell one like I have others in the past.

I’m excited to watch this.

Wilbur flirt with the race.

I’m not mentally prepared for this.

Everyone just joined because they don’t want to miss Wilbur x Ace Race.

Oh no. He’s not doing so well.

Oh Wilbur is giving us more.

Complicated history…

Whispering to Ace Race and Solidarity.

You’ve got it Wilbur.

Keep on talking. Keep your brain busy while you play.

Mommmm Wilbur is flirting with Ace Race again!

He’s whispering though so I can’t quite hear it and will have to find a clip channel that added subtitles.

Oh teams are changing on the website.

“What are you doing in my women Philza?” -Wilbur

“I will end your bloodline which is canonically also me.” -Wilbur

I can not track all the quotes from this. That’s beyond my abilities.

Wilbur did halfway decent, but it still uncomfortable.

Ace Race is a person now. Also the fact that Wilbur compliments Ace Race so much.

Sally v. Ace Race.

I want to find that fanart now.

Scott honey. Confirmed cannon is everyone fancies the fish.

4th. Not bad.

We’re still talking Ace Race x Wilbur

Build mart! My dearest buildmart!

I miss them sliding around in the sleds.

Grab da flowers!

We’re in 1st at the minute.

Come on yaks!

No coyotes!

Hurry hurry hurry.

Work discord going it’s thing again.

Oh we’re dropping fast.

Move the redstone! Thank you

Alright back on top. Keep it up.

Nevermind.

I love the way the build spaces for the different teams work.

Who is the person on the build?

Oh first again? Nevermind.

Oh we popped up to second. We’re so behind. Come on.

Duck!

Good soup energy. Now all I can think is the bi wide energy song.

Time is running out.

Yeah we aren’t catching up to first. Just hold second.

Where is granite?

Game over.

Third overall now. Not bad. Last game time they can possibly pull it into dodge bolt.

I need to go get a picture with the President of the university for a game with my work.

Good Soup.

I’m sitting here making popcat noises while waiting.

Game time! Go team! Survive!

Wait where did the steamer go? I wasn’t paying attention.

He’s back.

He’s swearing for his points on the swearing list.

Is pee a soup? No. I don’t think it’s think enough under normal circumstances.

Karl is apparently swearing according to Twitter. Good for him. He deserves to swear some as a treat.

Everyone running and leaving shubble.

Oh good they are all together.

Just keep running.

4th so far.

Cars. Beep beep.

Ranboo breath child.

Calling Wilbur like some kind of golden retriever.

Bow boy

Scott is leader now. Because otherwise they are arguing.

We are playing the don’t die strategy.

Come on team.

Did I put my cut in this post? I did.

Ranboo having stolen the airdrop. And he has a thing!

Oh the boarder is right behind them.

They are fighting Dream?

Nice Will.

We’re in fourth.

Boarder is right there.

Sapnap? Nope.

Pink attack and they book it.

Oh no. There goes Wilbur.

Is it just Scott?

Scott vs the world.

Just Organe and pink. They came third.

GO ORANGE!

Please. Please let us do it.

Overall third. Pink overtook yellow.

Sadness.

Ranboo has achieved: Found Hated Game

Ranboo has been hit by Survival games so many times now.

If they had just lasted a tiny bit longer they would have come second.

Cheering Orange I suppose.

I have no skill at picking winner POVs.

I have 3 teams I was at least kinda watching. And none of them are in dodgebolt.

Gosh can hear Ranboo tweaking.

Wow. Yellow yaks just as a team twerking.

What is Wilbur chewing on? Wilbur don’t chew on things that probably aren’t meant to be chewed on.

I can hear the band outside of my window. I think my campuses football game is starting.

The drum line practiced outside my window all the beginning of the semester so it’s fun seeing them march to the stadium.

Oh and there are the cheerleaders.

Oh right I was watching MCC! Who’s winning?

Come on Orange. So close.

Wait I looked out my window. Why is the band walking back to where they were?

Along the sidewalk?

I thought it was game time for a minute.

Oh dodgebolt could go either way.

Distracted by Jesus.

Grian! You got this!

Nice Grian.

Oh Grian has a chance!

Oh!

Oh!

It’s so close!

Ooo ooo!

I’m so invested.

I SEE THE CONFETTI IN THE SITE! But I don’t want to miss the shot.

Come on Grian.

I know you do it. But you’ve got this

YESSSSS

Woo hoo!!

That was a good MCC. Now to do the chores and homework I originally planned to do today.

That was a nice stream.

Scott is separating Ranboo and Wilbur?

Please. Scott.

Don’t separate the beings.

You know. Twitter needs to politely bully Scott into keeping Ranboo and Will together.

Oop and that’s Wilbur done. That was fun.

See y’all next time!

[wonderwomanfantasy]

I ship it

anything for you icy baby uwu

Shinsou x Vigilante!reader

word count: 2,500 (about)

warnings: blood, gore, violence, some angsty pinning 

Summary: Shinsou was probably your best friend, which was odd considering how much he didn’t know about you. He didn’t know you were in love with him, and he didn’t know you were a vigilante.

“what are you looking at?” Shinsou asked making you jump, He had a bad habit of sneaking up on you. Shinsou laughed as you smacked his chest. Then he dropped his gaze to your phone, which you had been browsing before he had scared you 

“hey is that me?” he asked suddenly no longer interested in play fighting with you. 

“Yeah I was watching that fight with you and Siren against that acrobat villain,” you admitted looking back down at the video as it played.  

“awe (y/n) I didn’t know I had a fan,” he teased wrapping his arms around your waist teasingly, you ignored the flutter in your chest and shoved him off of you. 

“Actually I was watching for Siren, she’s super hot you know,” you teased right back. instantly his mood darkened 

“Don’t even pretend to like that scum,” he growled it was a little scary seeing him so pissed off, even scarier when he was angry at you. but you just smiled 

“don’t pout you grouch, of course, I like you better,” you teased, 

“you better,”

“still she could be a great girlfriend I think-”

“whatever we should go grab food yeah?” he huffed you nodded and accepted. 

you supposed it made sense that Shinsou hated Siren,  He was a hero, after all, still, you wondered if he would hat Siren so much if he knew you were actually her. 

You weren’t really a villain but you weren’t on the right side of the law either. you liked to think of yourself as closer to a vigilante than anything else although the media and Shinsou didn’t see it that way. 

It was a little unfortunate that you spent so much of your free time fighting your best friend but life wasn’t fair you had learned that much at least. 

Shinsou poked your cheek drawing you back into the present. “I paid for your ramen you better eat it,” Shinsou muttered. you stuck your tongue out and slurped your noodles. 

“you are really spacy today huh?” he laughed. He had a beautiful laugh, it almost made you blush. you liked him too much for your own good and you knew you were only going to get hurt, still who wouldn’t fall for him? you dropped your gaze and kept eating. 

Shinsou frowned, you were acting weird today. Not looking at him, spacing out, and blushing like that. You were Shinsou’d best friend, but sometimes it felt like he didn’t know you at all. you were quite unreadable when you wanted to be. 

“(y/n) are you sick or something?” Shinsou asked reaching his hand out to feel your forehead. Before he could touch your face he heard screaming both of your turned and he saw people running outside, then Kaminari Denki of all people came crashing through the glass window at the front of the restaurant. Shinsou leaped over the table and shielded you from the spray of broken glass. in the same instant, he also managed to pluck Kaminari out of the air before he could crash through anything else. 

“Need Help?” Shinsou asked Kaminari, smirking. 

“that would be great.” the blonde gulped. Shinsou turned to you

“Hide, I’ll find you after this is all over okay?” Shinsou said turning to you, you pretended to be frightened and ran out of his line of sight. Quickly you ducked into the restaurant’s bathroom and quickly changed into the sleek black outfit you carried on you at all times. Another set of helping hands couldn’t hurt right?

You almost laughed as you skidded along the sidewalk towards the two men, Shinsou did a double-take then groaned. it was hilarious to see his pained reactions. 

“Ah don’t pout Shinsou Baby,  thought you would be glad to see me,” you laughed. your voice came out as mechanical, warped beyond recognition.  “After all the quicker we get this done the quicker you can get back to your little date,” you teased. 

“you were watching me?” he barked. you just shrugged, knowing better than to answer him verbally. 

“Will you two stop flirting!! Villain!” Kaminari shouted gesturing to the two-story monster destroying buildings with massive swipes of his clawed hands. 

“We weren’t flirting,” Shinsou pouted running after the other hero, with you close behind. 

“quirk?” you asked Kaminari knowing Shinsou wouldn’t respond to you. 

“Not sure Something emotion-related, I think If we can calm him down He might go back to normal-” Denki explained. you nodded before quickly ducking to avoid a chunk of a building that flew toward you. 

“Just calm him down? that doesn’t sound too bad,” you laughed. 

“Yeah, so that means we don’t need you,” Shinsou griped. Shinsou knew that in theory the two of you were different sides of the same coin. Just two people with villainous quirks trying to make the world a better place. he couldn’t help but hate you, even if he didn’t fully know why. He also hated the shipping that came with it. It had pissed him off enough to see his best friend looking through the Shinren ship tag now he had to deal with you and some monster at the same time. 

“you’re not even a hero we could arrest you right now,” Shinsou growled  

“I could arrest you right now,” you mimicked him. Shinsou’s eyes twitched in frustration before shooting his capture weapon, wrapping the gray scarf around the attacker's wrist halting him mid-swing. The pause was enough for Kaminari to get in an attack of his own a lightning blast large enough to engulf the Villain in electricity. Still, it wasn’t enough, So you took your turn. 

“Let’s calm down big guy, Deep breaths!” you commanded, your voice flowed over him and he had no choice but to obey. He relaxed taking deep even breaths, slowly he shrank, his claws and fangs returning to more human shapes until he collapsed on the streets wrapped entirely in Shinsou’s scarf. 

“see aren’t I helpful?” you purred turning to Shinsou who scowled, it was a pretty threatening look coming from him. 

“come on man would it kill you to say thank you?” Kaminari said from behind you

“It just might,” the purple-haired man growled

“Hitoshiiiii,” Kaminari whined. 

“Thank you for your help Siren now get out of here before I arrest you,” he growled through gritted teeth, even though he couldn’t see your face he knew you were grinning like a fool. He was right of course. you laughed and took off running. but not quite fast enough. 

The buildings around you were still in crumbling pieces. a broken steal beam fell slashing across your chest and stomach even grazing the top of your thigh. you staggered back your breath gone. there wasn’t even pain your whole body just numb as you fell to the sidewalk unable to breathe let alone move.  

You had been so fucking careful in battle. You had waited until the right moment to attack the monster and even hid slightly behind the real pros. you were pissed that collateral damage had taken you down. your vision was spotty before going completely black. you were only blind for a second or two and when you could see clearly again you saw Shinsou over you, cutting away the torn bits of your costume to assess the wound

“Drama queen, it’s not even that deep,” he laughed, but you could tell he was lying, you could see the fear in his eyes. 

“give it to me straight Doc.” you joked back, your voice was hoarse, even after being run through the filter. the panic on Shinsou’s face only grew more blatant.

Shinsou had no clue what he was doing, he was never great at this healing stuff and if he was being honest the sight of this much blood frightened him. Maybe it was just because it was your blood. 

If someone had asked Shinsou this morning he would have told them he hated Siren with a passion. but seeing you drop like that awoke a different kind of passion in him.  If you died, who was going to annoy him while he was out on patrol? Or swoop in to help whenever he was in over his head. Who was he going to complain too about the strict sometimes contradictory rules the council inforced? He realized not only would he miss you if he died, but it might also just brake him. 

“you’ll be fine,” he muttered to calm himself more than anything.

“Course I will,” you laughed weakly your body spasmed suddenly and you let out a sharp cry of pain. the sudden movement caused a gush of blood and with every aftershock of your muscles tensing more of the thick red liquid spirted from your wound. 

“Hey Siren I’m going to take your helmet off okay?” Shinsou asked 

“Hitoshi-” you were usually smart enough not to answer his questions but not now. your body went rigid and the blood stopped gushing so violently.  

“relax and stay still,” he commanded before getting to work. Denki had called for back up, people who knew what the fuck they were doing were on their way. he only had to keep you alive for ten minutes. Shinsou did his best to soak up the blood and clean the wound it’s self with the limited supplies he had. It wasn’t enough. The blood returned almost as soon as he whipped it away. any bandages he placed down were instantly soaked. Shinsou couldn’t help but feel that he was making things works not better.

Your skin was ashy and pale. Because of the spell he had you under your body was lifelessly still. The only thing that assured him you were alive was the steady flow of blood that pushed to the surface with every beat of your weak heart. Suddenly he broke his hold in your mind.

“Are you still awake? say something,” he growled your body shook lightly now that your muscles could twitch on their own. 

“Going... for my helmet... low blow,” you coughed. Shinsou could help but laugh at least you were awake. 

“The Shippers are going to love this,” you added making him laugh again. it was good seeing him laugh. 

“you’re fucking dying and you’re thinking about shippers?” he asked applying pressure to the wound making you cry out in pain. 

“I mean... There is going to be- Fuck- fanart,” you winced trying to bite back a second scream and failing.  

“Probably, you think they’ll make the blood pool in a heart shape?” he joked 

“that would be cute,” you crooned and immediately you were back under his control 

“Stay calm and stay awake,” he ordered. Shinsou kept at it until the real medics arrived. they healed you almost instantly. He silently thanked God you weren’t too far gone to be saved. even though the wound was no longer hurting you, a thick scar was left and your body would still ache for days to come undoubtedly. one of the heroes reached for the helmet, just to check for head injuries, but Shinsou stopped them

“leave it on and just try to heal her anyway,” he muttered. The older hero looked skeptical but did as he asked. as it turned out your head was fine. Shinsou didn’t know why he was protecting your identity like that but it just felt like the right thing to do. you didn’t talk much, far too drained for coherent thoughts. you staid on the curbside head in your hands waiting for any amount of strength to return. and he staid with you. 

He watched the street, as life returned to normal almost instantly. The criminal was taken into police custody, people milled about the sidewalks and the buildings were already being repaired. It was amazing to Shinsou how fast life could return to normal after something horrific.  He looked at you, looking uncharacteristically small. maybe it was just because you weren’t yelling. He wondered if the two of you would return to normal just as quickly

No, he thought, no it’s different now. you saved her, you didn’t want to lose her, so now it’s different. Gently he placed his hand on your shoulder. 

“Let me take you home so you can rest properly, I promise I won’t bust into your house to arrest you or something,” he teased. in a blur of motion, you were standing, you knocked him to the ground and rested the heel of your boot on his throat. 

“Awe you still want to play white knight Shinsou? That’s sweet but sorry I can take care of myself,” you laughed in your usual catty tone. you removed your foot from his neck and gave him a cheeky two-finger salute. 

“latter lover boy, and really thanks for all the help,” you called running off again and managing to make a clean escape this time. Shinsou should have been furious at you for wasting his time and making a fool out of him. But things were different now. 

you barely made it through your apartment door before collapsing on the floor wheezing. You had already been lightheaded and in pain, the brash show of force against Shinsou only exacerbated the problems. But you had pretended to be okay. he couldn’t know where you lived and find out your dirty little secret. 

It was painful but you managed to Strip of your costume. but that was all you could do. But you could live with just being in a sports bra and underwear in your own apartment. You had never really found your carpet all that comfortable but right now it seemed like the perfect place to lay down and rest. 

before you could fall asleep on the floor your phone rang making you groan. Once you saw it was Shinsou, you answered. 

“Hey, where are you?” He asked once you picked up. fuck. quickly you came up with a lie to explain your absence.

“The Ramen shop was evacuated right after you left and It turns out I was cut by some of that glass so I was taken to the hospital, but don’t worry I’m home now,” you explained trying to make your voice sound appropriately frightened. He sighed

“I was worried something really bad had happened to you,” he sounded relieved. you gingerly touched the newly formed scar on your chest. Shinsou had saved your life today and he didn’t even know it.

“Sorry I didn’t text sooner I didn’t want to interrupt the fight,” you mumbled apologetically.

“Don’t worry about it, Can I come over? I still want to make sure you’re okay.”

 you froze imaging Shinsou walking in on you like this. 

“Maybe later, I’m exhausted and I’m sure you are too,” you rejected him softly. He just hummed. You really needed to push him off the line so you could pass out. 

“That being said that fight gave me some really good Shinren content are you sure you don’t have a thing for her? I sure do,” you teased expecting him to groan and leave in a fit of anger. but he was silent.

“I don’t know but I think I’m starting to ship it,” he teased before disconnecting before you could react. Great. How were you supposed to sleep now?

[rattlung]

sorry this took so long! it kinda got away from me after a bit (it’s like 6k words so i’m rlly hoping this read more works on mobile lmao) and turned into a lot of introspection, as my stuff often does when it comes to mirage for some reason. hope you enjoy :^) and ty for sending smth in

(yeah ik mystik keeping in contact through fuckin fan mail is a bit of a stretch especially since crypto mentions burning letters, implying communication through paper, but it was the only thing i could come up with and i didn’t want this to take longer than necessary. just kinda shrug it off because at this point - eh yknow??? the letter mirage comes across is based off the one crypto sends to mystik in the loading screen with him and gibby

also, i looked up a ton of different sites and even checked the wiki but i’m still nervous about crypto’s name and how to write it properly. if i’m still doing it wrong, please please PLEASE let me know. i will literally rewrite this entire thing lmao)

established relationship kinda idk and also set in a kinda canon divergent au where the games hold seasons that last a few months with set teams

----=----

Despite popular belief, Elliott was a smart guy. He lived and studied under his mother, an amazing engineer in her own right, and even had a huge part in the development of some of the tech he used in the arena. It’s just that, sometimes, even he forgot about his own intelligence. Standing next to his fellow legends, it was like any confidence he had left in one fell swoop. He would stutter under their gazes and second guess himself on anything he said the second he said it. It’s something he’d always berate himself on later when he’s alone in his dorm where no one could see him.

Because he was smart. He’d tell himself that when he looked at his own smiling face, as surrounded as he was by it. Apex merch, some fanart, some cutouts they had stood up in stores he’d been sent. Elliott would stare at it all and remind himself that Mirage in the media was who he was. He’d gotten to legend status on his own, and that wasn’t something to write off. He was as intelligent as the rest of them, he just needed to remember that.

Though, admittedly, it did take Elliott a good minute to realize that the message he’d been sent wasn’t for him.

But, in his defense, this wasn’t an issue that had ever come up before. After their breach that forced them to move planets, the Apex Team had taken extra precautions when it came to legends getting fan mail. Elliott hadn’t blamed them, but he still couldn’t help but raise a brow at the extent they went to. In his opinion, it was just, like, two steps above sending it in on paper the old fashioned way. Honestly, that would go faster, since that didn’t need to be scoured by security software. Sometimes the dates lagged by so much that Elliott would get things months after a someone sent it.

So, yes, it did require a few read through’s for him to parse what was going on in the small paragraph. To be fair, it had his name in it. Don’t act so pretentious, TJ, everyone knows who Mirage is. The rest of the message was written in the same way: to someone who wasn’t actually Elliott and from someone who’s seemingly exchanged letters with this “TJ” before.

Maybe the program was on the fritz, picked out Elliott’s alias and sent it over to his inbox. It was something worth mentioning to the higher ups, because that absolutely had to be a liability in their new safety protocols. But more importantly - and definitely the thing he was going to address first - who was this letter for? Who was TJ?

There were only a few options, as most of the legends had opted to come forth with their real names when signing up for the Games. Elliott knew Bloodhound still operated under a veil of mystery, but he doubted they could be TJ. From what he remembered when he walked passed their dorm - which was usually something he tried to do quickly, since the bird Hound kept in there with them seemed to like Elliott only a little more than it liked Pathfinder - they didn’t even have a computer set up. No contact to the outside world unless it was through interviews.

Wraith just recently came across her name, Elliott remembered. She’d mentioned it in passing before disappearing for a few weeks in an abrupt request for time off. Wraith never really talked to anyone, so it kind of made sense. Everyone needed someone to vent to, even if it was about Elliott. What could TJ stand for? Taylor Jenkins? Tanya Jones?

Tilly Junior.

But then again, it really could have been any of them. Elliott wouldn’t put it passed Caustic to be using a fake name. Any of them could be using a fake name, and he doubted going around and asking would get him anywhere. 

Elliott let the holopad slip onto the cushion of the couch he’d been lounging on, his head falling back to thump against the wall. Crypto would be able to help with the new mystery, that was at least something he was sure of. The amount of badgering and begging needed to actually get the hacker to relent and do any helping? Now that was unknown as well. 

In the months that the season encompassed, he and Crypto ended up getting closer than probably either of them would have liked - at least in the beginning. Elliott couldn’t imagine what he would have thought then if he was told that most of his nights out of the arena would be spent at the other’s side, in his dorm, Crypto fiddling with some of the tech Elliott had lying around as Elliott himself talked his ear off.

Crypto was a good listener, he found. It was something in the quiet he maintained around him, a whole lot different than, say, Bloodhound’s. Not that Bloodhound was cold and off-putting; it was more so like what Elliott imagined stepping into an ancient library would be like. Something about Bloodhound made anything above a whisper seem too loud, and out of respect for said library, Elliott left them alone.

And then there was that time Crypto had caught Elliott staring at him when he blasted Caustic with a Charge Rifle from about 300 meters away. The only thing he’d done was give Elliott that knowing smirk then followed it up with an honest to god wink. Elliott was gone after that. 

Things had changed in a steady progression. Instead of Elliott being the one to find him, Crypto would seek him out rather than hide away in his own dorm. When Elliott would invite him to his dorm, mostly joking, Crypto would surprise him by accepting. There wasn’t any verbal confirmation in the shift, though, and sometimes Elliott would worry about it, wonder if he was reading too much into things. Not that it was a big deal. He never cared much about labels, except when he really, really did.

But then Crypto would sometimes push Elliott against a wall in the downtime during the games while they were looting, or even when they were just hanging out. He’d silence ramblings by covering Elliott’s mouth with his own, and who was Elliott to tell him no? 

They were close, now, yes, but for as good as Crypto listened, he didn’t talk much. It was something Elliott attempted to change. He tried to get him to open up in various ways, but the longest he’s ever gotten Crypto to talk was when he asked about the Holo Gear Mirage used on the field. Even then, Elliott did most of the talking. He’d gushed about his mom, how she did a lot of the work and he handled more of the fine tuning, reminisced about their workshop, the long days they used to spent together. Elliott remembered picking up something different from Crypto, then, something almost sad. Like maybe he’d been missing something, too.

Elliott never got to ask about it. Crypto had retreated to his own quarters pretty fast after that. He was too confused to wonder what he’d done wrong, and the worry was put to rest before he ever actually got to worry about it at all when Crpyto sidled up next to him the next day right before the drop. The situation just reaffirmed that there was a lot that Elliott didn’t know, like what kept Crypto so quiet, who he thought about when Elliott talked about working with his mother, what he always seemed to be working on when he was alone.

Or his name, Elliott realized.

After a pause, he scrambled back into a sitting position and grabbed the holopad again. There was public information on every legend that signed up for the Games, but the last he’d checked there had been something wrong with the page dedicated to Crypto. It showed multiple different error codes that were random upon opening the page and sometimes it would even crash a browser entirely. Forums still existed, though, and Elliott would use that to his advantage.

Quietly, in the back of his mind, he felt guilty, felt like he was doing something he shouldn’t.

A lot of the threads were just talking about the recent games and Crypto’s happenings in them. They talked about his marksmanship, which was pretty impressive, Elliott had to say. It wasn’t until a few minutes of scrolling - spent looking through GIFs and videos of highlights, that he won’t admit to - brought him to a specific thread. The person who posted was wondering about the drone Crypto had in his possession, asking about its name, speculating on the model. The top comment on it claimed to have spent time behind the scenes on the Apex Games Production team and declared that the drone Crypto used had a lot of similarities to the ones they use to film the Games. 

The next comment didn’t exactly discredit the correlation, but they did say it was likely that the drone’s blueprint was leaked and got sold to another company, not Crypto having the clearance to use Apex equipment.

I doubt they’d let him have one of the official ones, with all the controversy surrounding them, the commenter said.

Elliott bit the inside of his cheek and narrowed his eyes in thought. It was a stretch, but it didn’t stop him from backing out of the forum and searching “apex filming drones”.

The first result wasn’t a link to the Apex Game’s website. It was another website with comment threads, its title “look what i found???”.

So, Elliott did.

i was doing some VERY LEGAL digging around, because i was wondering where the new guy came from and all that, but there’s literally NOTHING that isn’t hidden behind encrypted messes that would take like ten years to get through but when i tried, i got something on some dude named hyeon kim but when i went around looking for more i found this

??????

Below the post was a screenshot of an article from a news site called Outlands’ Journal. Elliott read it over, but the only thing he processed was “Disgraced computer technician, Tae Joon Park” and “Mystik, Joon’s former caretaker”.

And then, a little more down, was the comment, “Isn’t that the dude who’s wanted for murdering his sister or something?”

----=----

Despite popular belief, Elliott was a smart guy. In that moment, though, it really didn’t seem like a good thing.

----=----

The decision was one he made almost subconsciously: Elliott was not going to tell anyone what he’d found. 

How would anyone even believe it? Elliott was hardly sure he even believed it. Spoken out loud, it would seem like such a tin-foil-hat conspiracy, and it’s not like he could use the thread he’d found the information in to back the claim up. He’d checked it again when he woke the next day, wanting to make sure he hadn’t had some fever dream, but the entire thread had disappeared. Even the account it was posted from was wiped from the site. On a whim, he checked his history and went to the link directly, but that only got him an error page.

The code was something he remembered from Crypto’s buggy Legend profile.

Elliott had almost been late getting ready for the games, he sat there for so long and stared at it. Luckily, the turbulence that signified they were getting close to the closed off arena literally jolted him as a physical reminder. Elliott shook his head and stood, making his way over to the collapsible, garage-like door in order to pull it down.

Isn’t that the dude who’s wanted for murdering his sister?

He was almost regretful that he wanted to go looking for more information. What if Crypto was somehow able to track the searches that were relevant to the article? That could be how the thread was taken down so fast, how the account disappeared. Was that what he was doing all the time, bent over his computer? Working to hide what he’d done?

Why even join the Apex Games, a program that was widely broadcasted across planets? Wouldn’t he want to keep a low profile? How did he even get the clearance to sign up? The producers had run background check after background check when Elliott had been brought in for an interview. So his public intoxication got put under the microscope, but the murderer they let in for free?

And yet, that didn’t sound right, even when he thought it. Sure, yeah, they all technically participated in a blood sport - but the technically was heavily implied. No one actually ever died; sometimes bones were broken and people had to retire after a serious injury, but that was just about it. Everyone who signed up was capable of killing.

But capability of killing was different than cold blooded murder. At least in Elliott’s opinion.

He was just pulling on the last of his Holo Gear when the door rattled in its frame. “Pull y’self outta bed, we got a game to win!” 

“Door is closed for privacy,” Mirage berated.

Lifeline only cackled shortly before replying with, “I ain’t lookin’ at you, am I?”

Mirage pulled the door up so she could see his put-off pouting, which didn’t do much of anything besides getting her to laugh again. He followed her into the loading bay, passing Bloodhound and Wraith. They each gave him a respectful nod, always frighteningly eager to board their dropping platform. Still, Mirage responded with a courteous wink and two solid finger guns.

As the automated commentator announced the approaching drop zone, Mirage was suddenly very aware of the empty space beside him being taken up by another person. At first, neither of them said anything, but that was weird for him, so he had to say something, didn’t he?

“Fashionably late, as always,” he greeted, going for something half-joking, half-flirty. Honestly, he would proudly say he hit the mark, but Crypto didn’t say anything back. “Long night?”

Then, a too long second of silence fell between them as the dropping platforms began to hiss. Freezing air blasted, chilling his face, blowing his hair around, but it wasn’t the reason why his blood went cold in his veins. A voice went off in his head almost like an alarm. He knows, it said. He knows you found out. He knows.

“Always,” Mirage heard, just barely above the wind whipping between them. 

And it was stuff like that that made him felt immediately guilty for the fear he held just moments before. There was that haunted, pained tone that took hold of Crypto’s voice that Mirage always seemed to catch when he knew he wasn’t supposed to. Just like how he caught something like longing when Mirage had spoken of his mother. How Crypto’s empathy felt different than others when Mirage mentioned his brothers.

He didn’t talk often, sure, but Crypto couldn’t stop himself from expressing in some ways. Not around Mirage, not anymore.

Obviously, there was the possibility that Crypto had done something - that very specific something - but Mirage just couldn’t see it. He had that gut feeling, and following those types of feelings got him to where he was right then. Standing among Legends.

Legends, and Tae Joon Park.

----=----

It’s about a month of doing his best of forgetting what he’d uncovered when he realized a problem he’d overlooked. Elliott had already come to the conclusion that Tae Joon and Mystik were close, close enough to risk each other’s safety by maintaining their pen pal status. They kept in contact that way, so the fluke Elliott had gotten in his inbox was not the first letter that had ever been sent between them.

Which meant that Crypto was going to be expecting a letter from his former caretaker that Elliott didn’t know how to give him without starting a shit show.

Just another thing to add to the reasons he wasn’t getting sleep at night, because “doing his best to forget” was awfully hard. Tae Joon’s silences were just periods of dreadful anticipation to him now. Every time they were together and the tapping on Crypto’s keyboard would pause, Elliott would expect to look up to see Crypto already staring at him, glaring, asking him how long Elliott had known - 

But Tae Joon’s eyes would be on the monitor when Elliott would brave looking up, watching text wrap around the screen at all kinds of speeds. Sometimes it would freeze all at once, certain words blinking, and a corner of Tae Joon’s mouth would pull in an annoyed grimace - meaning he’d done something wrong, and the typing would start back up with a new kind of spiteful energy to it. Elliott would go back to what he was doing, wishing he could let out the breath he felt he’d been constantly holding, because sooner or later the typing would stop again.

Elliott was stressed out of his mind and it was starting to affect his performance on the field, but a horrible, evil little part of himself relished in knowing something others didn’t. That stupid, childish thrill of secret keeping. He wanted to hold it close to where no one else could see it, because he really, really wanted to. If not telling anyone meant protecting Tae Joon, then he wouldn’t tell a soul - even if that included Tae Joon himself.

But that was kind of backwards, wasn’t it? He was literally harboring a criminal, wasn’t he? Regardless of what Elliott’s stupid gut told him. Crypto was wanted for murder - but what was he supposed to do? Tell the authorities and get a potentially innocent man potentially killed? Or tell Tae Joon himself and be proven wrong, find out the very dead way that people Elliott found attractive really are out to get him. 

Knowing what he did and not doing anything about it was dangerous either way. Hence the trouble sleeping.

People were starting to notice, too. Tae Joon noticed - and it was stuff like that that was going to get Elliot into trouble. He found himself switching the names around in his head. Tae Joon Park and Crypto were now interchangeable; the only way he avoided not messing up out loud and inadvertently revealing himself and what he knew was just by... not talking. 

Which was hard to do. 

It was easier than trying to condition himself to stop using the name, though. Because Elliott liked knowing it. There was a certain level of intimacy to it; it felt different now whenever Crypto would corner him or when he’d let Elliott turn him away from his computer. It felt like he was holding someone more, in a way. Not a mystery, but a person. He was holding someone. He was holding Tae Joon, kissing Tae Joon in secret, making a mess of Tae Joon’s bed. It was so much, and in those moments the secret was something he almost couldn’t bear. He’d just barely hold himself back from breathing the name, he’d bite his tongue to stop it.

And then the guilt would flood into his head, because he was lying. It felt so wrong to know this when Tae Joon wasn’t the one to tell him. So, Elliott withdrew. He was polite in the games, communicated as much as necessary, still bantered with Lifeline. Slowly he weaned himself off of flirting with their other teammate and reverted back to the beginning of the season. Except, not quite, really. Even in the beginning Elliott couldn’t help himself when it came to Crypto, but back then it was petty arguments that he didn’t know he craved. Now, it wasn’t much of anything besides civility.

The worst part of it might have been that Tae Joon never asked why. He allowed the regression to happen nonchalantly, but that was on purpose. Every so often, Elliott would still get pushed against a wall, when no one else was around. Tae Joon wouldn’t ask why Elliott didn’t talk to him, didn’t visit him, didn’t invite him to his dorm anymore. He would just kiss him, hard, desperate. It was almost like it wasn’t surprising to him. Like maybe Tae Joon had been waiting for it to end the entire time.

Shame would tear Elliott up after he’d pull away without a word. It would tear him up even worse when the next time Elliott saw him, Tae Joon would act as if nothing happened. Business as usual.

----=----

It had to end in some way, so Elliott really shouldn’t have been shocked when it actually happened - or that it was his fault that it went down the way it did.

----=----

He never had liked fighting Wraith. Mirage had been on her squad a few seasons ago and they’d spent a lot of their time in the arena watching the other work. So Mirage knew her tricks, but worst of all, Wraith knew his. Besides his good looks, charm, and being a crack shot with the Wingman, tricks were just about all Mirage had. 

She had followed the sounds of his footsteps when he’d cloaked earlier in the gunfight to heal, weaving through the decoys he’d dropped without skipping a beat. It was a mess of bursts from SMGs, Wraith phasing away to duck behind cover. Another few bursts and MIrage would get sprayed down, only to disintegrate into lights and have him reappear around another corner. 

Mirage strained to hear over the firing outside for her footsteps, placing her somewhere downstairs. He continued up, for once being grateful for the Skyhook buildings and the buffer they provided with their multiple levels. It gave him time to repair the damage done to his shields as Wraith presumably did the same before she began her chase again. They were bound to run out of supplies and floors at some point, but all Mirage needed to do was buy time for his teammates to secure their kills so they could come and take her off his hands.

It was a good plan up until it stopped working. Thing was, Wraith was fast, and Mirage was learning that if you’re not in her squad as often as you used to be, you forget just how fast she could be.

He heard the cocking of a Peacekeeper after he was a few paces onto the roof, which is also when he remembered seeing a fucking zipline in the building on his way toward the stairs. He hadn’t thought about it, immediately stored it under the dumb idea section; zipping straight up to the top floor just for Wraith to light him up and have him fall straight back down like a ton of bricks? No thank you, he’d take the stairs.

“Fuck,” Mirage said quickly, just as a shotgun blast exploded in front of him. Most of the spread was dodged by running around one of the pallets stacked with construction materials, but it still cracked through what was left of his shields. 

He was dead, Mirage was absolutely dead. There was no way his Wingman was going to win against a Peacekeeper, not unless he hit every shot and Wraith missed all of hers - which she didn’t, she never missed.

A kick was placed neatly between his shoulders and Mirage flailed wildly, gripped at the metal framing of an empty wall and used the momentum to swing around - 

- directly into another shotgun blast, one of which he took right into the stomach. That sent him sprawling. He landed hard on his back and the air was knocked out of him, leaving him gasping for it as he skidded a few paces forward. 

Calmly, Wraith sauntered over to stand above him, reloading the few shots she’d used in her Peacekeeper. Mirage wanted to say something to maybe lessen the blow his pride and his body just took, but the only thing he could get out was a wet cough.

She grinned at him and knelt, shotgun going to one side so she could show Mirage the blade she held before pressing it to his throat. “Don’t worry,” she whispered, leaning in close. “I would have gotten you either way. Zigged or zagged.”

Mirage would’ve rolled his eyes had it not been for the kunai at his jugular, so all he did was swallow and wait for the push. But it never came. In the very next moment, Wraith was sent flying to the ground next to Mirage, her side smoking from a fresh Mastiff shot, the sudden sound of it nearly deafening him.

She pushed up unsteadily in an attempt to get to her feet, but Crypto beat her by grabbing at the scarf at her neck. “It seems like you zigged,” he started, mocking her previous low tone with his own smug lilt. Mirage watched as he raised his hand and his drone seemingly appeared in his grip while he finished with, “When you should have just quit and gone home.”

The drone came down against Wraith’s head hard, and in the time it took Mirage to blink, she was replaced with a golden case.

Crypto turned to face him, then, showing off the small smirk he’d been wearing. “Fashionably late,” he announced with a shrug.

Mirage couldn’t help the relieved grin that spread across his own face. “As always. Love that about you, kid.”

Crypto knelt at his side, taking the place Wraith had left behind, and fished around in the pack around his waist for the syringes he kept there. Once it was plunged into his chest, all of Elliott’s muscles seemed to twitch, but he felt his heart rate lower down to something manageable. He lost a lot of blood, though. He was going to have to huddle in a corner and lick his wounds for at least another five minutes before he’d be anywhere close to mobile.

“Thank you,” Mirage said in between a few deep breaths. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“Match isn’t done yet,” Crypto chided lowly. He stood up straight and held out his hand for Mirage to take.

Which he did, but he only got halfway up before he hit the ground again. The cracking snap of a Kraber shot echoed in the empty air above the buildings and Mirage stared up at the blue sky, wondering why he wasn’t feeling any pain. Then, he heard the sound of himself hitting the floor for a third time and thought, that’s weird, I thought I already did that.

 After that, he thought, I lost a lot of blood.

Tae Joon, is the next thing that came to his mind in the form of a horrible realization, one that he ended up voicing out loud in fear, in panic. He sat up from the adrenaline that panic gave him, hysterically hoping that maybe that the other hadn’t heard him, but mostly to satisfy the need of having to see if Tae Joon was okay.

And he wasn’t, not really. He was on his back, too, propped up on one elbow, one hand clutching at his shoulder that was spilling red between his fingers. But worst of all, he was staring at Mirage like the pain was second to the shock.

Mirage didn’t like the look he was getting, and it was especially devastating that it was Tae Joon who was the one giving it to him. Underneath the cloud from the medicine coursing through his system, he knew he had to explain, had to make it so Tae Joon could understand that Mirage knowing his secret wasn’t a big deal, that’d he’d known for a long time and nothing bad had happened.

So, he began with “Tae - “ and then, for some reason, finished with, “Tae - tuh - tuh - uh - totally thought you were going to die from that.”

Finally, he thought, Nice save, and collapsed.

----=----

They didn’t win, but that was the least of their worries. Well, maybe not Lifeline’s, but that was beside the point.

Elliott left the medbay as soon as he could, which still took a good amount of time. The nurse had mentioned something about the side effects of the Revival Syringe along with blood loss and not using anymore meds to stabilize after he was injected. They spent extra time checking his vitals and Elliott didn’t have to be a doctor to tell them that those were going to be skewed.

His heart was still racing when he made his way back into the dorms. It was a little relieving to find that it was empty; after the games, everyone typically accumulated in the mess hall to celebrate the winners. But the at the same time, it was disappointing. He almost wanted to see Tae Joon standing around every corner Elliott rounded waiting to confront him, because getting this over with meant getting back to normal, and Elliott couldn’t wait for that.

So, he risked a glance over at the other’s dorm across the sitting area as if getting a look at it would help him decide on whether or not he should knock, initiate it himself. The door was pulled up, though, left open. Elliott blinked at it once before wandering closer.

The room had always seemed bare, but the emptiness was emphasized now. He noticed that the blanket that was supposed to be folded and draped across the back of the couch to show off the South Korean flag was missing. The box Tae Joon had shoved under there and filled with parts and drives was pulled out, tipped over and empty. Even more, the drone’s docking station was gone.

Elliott rushed over to the desk and tapped the first key he could reach. Only one of the monitors flashed on, glowing blue and asking to proceed with setup. 

“Oh, no,” Elliott muttered. He hurried back out to the seating area and looked up to the screens displaying that day’s match stats. Scrolling across the top was the ETA for the ship’s landing. Ten minutes. “Oh no, no, no you fucking don’t,” he continued to say, practically running to the hall for Boarding.

It Tae Joon got into the city before Elliott could catch him on the ship, it was likely that he’d never see the man again. He couldn’t let that happen.

But Boarding was empty, too, bar the few bots that managed the floor. Elliott practically skidded to a stop in front of one of them, startling the unit’s arms up and out.

“Hey, buddy, you wouldn’t have happened to see a guy, this tall - “ He holds up his hand, palm down, level with the top of his own head. “ - might have looked pissed off, which would be my fault, so I’m trying to find him. Have you seen him?”

The bot’s screen on it’s chest flashed red in the negative, then blue in an apologetic sad face.

Elliott grunted in disappointment. “Nah, don’t sweat it,” he assured the bot, even thought he was absolutely going to. 

He was biting his lip when he exited, nervous. The ship held at least sixty people on it at once. It was a decent size and if someone like Crypto was hiding on it, someone like Elliott wasn’t going to find him.

Elliott swore, once in frustration, twice in shock when he was thrown roughly against the hard, metal wall of an empty hallway. Someone held him there with a fist against his shoulder and the threat of a pistol pressing into his abdomen. He was blinded before he could gather his bearings by a sudden flash of green light, leaving him blinking rapidly to clear his vision.

“Where did you get a gun?” Elliott chose to ask, deliriously, for some reason. “They don’t let weapons on the ship - “

“Who are you?” Tae Joon questioned. The aggression in his voice was something Elliott hadn’t heard since the first few weeks, around the same time Tae Joon was just as likely to twist his arm as he was to snap at him.

“What? Babe, you know who I am - “

“Elliott Witt is too clean, everything on him was too easy to find - they wouldn’t send an Elliott Witt to hunt me down.” His expression was neutral, but there was so much going on in his eyes that Elliot couldn’t look away, even when the gun reminded him of its presence with little jabs. “So who are you?”

And maybe there were a few things Elliott should have been offended by. Like how he wasn’t prestigious enough to warrant a protected record, or Tae Joon’s implication that he wasn’t capable of something he had already done - mostly on accident.

But what he ended up asking was, “You think I made everything up? You think I lied about my entire life for, what? Getting into bed with you?”

Tae Joon didn’t seem taken aback by the hurt that was evident in Elliott’s voice, but it did leave enough room for one second of hesitation. “Then they got to you,” he whispered, somehow sounding equal parts flat and devastated.

Elliott shook his head in confusion. Who was they? “No one fucking got to me, I actually don’t know who or what you’re talking about,” he tried to explain.

“Then how?” Tae Joon asked - angry. Elliott was finally able to identify one of the things burning in Tae Joon’s glare. Anger, and maybe confusion as well. Fear. 

How did this happen, they both seemed to be thinking. How did I let it get to this?

“How did you find out?” Tae Joon snapped when Elliott spent too long watching him. “Who told you?”

“Mystik,” Elliott blurted, shocking the other enough to pull back just a little bit. “Kind of,” he went on in a hurry. “She sent you something, and I - I think the new software they implemented for security read my name enough times in it so it got forwarded to me - I don’t know exactly! I didn’t do it on purpose, it must be mald- malfuk - bugging out! So, I went to check, and I’d show you the forum post I found, but it’s gone already, I swear.”

Tae Joon took a step back, then another. “What did you find?”

Elliott let out a breath, wet his lips in a nervous tic. He shrugged. “Just - just an article.”

Disgraced computer technician - 

Wanted for murdering his sister - 

Tae Joon looked away suddenly and down the hall, like he was planning on running again. His frown was so intense a crease began to form between his brow.

“I didn’t tell anyone,” Elliott said firmly. “I promise. But - what happened?”

“I can’t tell you that,” Tae Joon told him quickly. “If you don’t know, I can’t tell you.”

“Okay,” Elliott replied, despite how much he wanted to push.

Tae Joon seemed to sense that, gave him a troubled look. “I didn’t do it.”

“I know,” Elliott told him. “I believe you.”

It it was so easy to say, but they both knew it was more than the words spoken out loud. The admission meant Tae Joon’s shoulders could drop from their high strung, protected hunch. It meant they could both breathe. It meant Elliott could push off from the wall, get close - slowly - and gently retrieve the gun Tae Joon held to find that the safety was on. Because if he didn’t have to, Tae Joon wasn’t going to hurt him. He‘d never wanted to hurt anyone.

He put his fingers on the cool metal lining Tae Joon’s jaw to get him to look at Elliott.

“I believe you,” Elliott repeated, and Tae Joon kissed him for it. He put an open hand on the back of Elliott’s head and threaded his fingers through the curls that were there, pulling him in roughly. Elliott made a surprised noise but recovered fast enough. He pushed an arm underneath Tae Joon’s open coat to wind it around man’s waist and pressed his front to the other’s, hoping that somehow he’d get Tae Joon to feel the honesty in his words through an embrace. Thinking that he could show off the part of Elliott that was dedicated purely to him by just holding him against his chest.

Anything to get Tae Joon to stop kissing him in that same, desperate way as before, like he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Elliott said when they broke apart. He didn’t let the other go, though, and rested his forehead against his. “So you can’t either.”

Tae Joon’s features darken in a very particular way. “Don’t say that.” When Elliott lifted his head a little to show him a confused expression, he goes on to explain. “They take everything.”

Who’s they? I’ll kick they’s ass.

“They can’t take Mirage,” he said, smiling. “According to you, he’s too hard to carry.”

Instead of laughing, or giving that smarmy little smirk, or even rolling his eyes, Tae Joon raised a brow and asked, “What about Elliott?”

“Elliott’s yours,” he told him without thinking. “No one’s taking that.”

Tae Joon Park moved back in to kiss Elliott again.

=====

thanks for the prompt :^)

[magnustesla]

Kakairu Fanfic - If You Fall, I Will Catch You

Rating: Explicit

Content Warning: Mental health issues, explicit sex

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Cuddles, Injury Recovery, Non Penetrative Sex, Frottage, Rimming, Established Relationship, Light Angst, Panic Attacks

Short Chapter Excerpt: Iruka may have fallen back to sleep, lulled by the gentle sound of water running from Kakashi's shower but, it was not a pleasant sleep. He was plagued by a nightmare that felt like it was never ever going to go away, constantly stuck in a loop, replaying that fateful evening over and over as though he were trapped in a cruel genjutsu.

Fanart by @i-drive-a-nii-san

Read the whole fic below this cut:

The morning light trickled into the bedroom, creeping through the gap in the curtains, slowly making its way across Iruka's pillow, reflecting off his dark chocolate strands of hair before settling over his face as the morning sun rose up into the sky.

Iruka scrunched his eyes shut even tighter, pressing his face further into the pillow, trying to keep the sun out of his eyes. “Hmnn, too early. Kashi?” he mumbled quietly into his pillow. “Are you awake?”

No answer.

Turning his head, he looked over to where Kakashi slept, where he should be right now. Iruka furrowed his brows and just before he was about to start panicking, he heard the distinct sound of water running in the bathroom.

Calm down Iruka. He's just gone for a shower. You're okay and you're safe. He let out a breath that he didn't realise he was even holding and let the sound of running water calm his frayed nerves as he drifted back off to sleep.

****

Iruka may have fallen back to sleep, lulled by the gentle sound of water running from Kakashi's shower but, it was not a pleasant sleep. He was plagued by a nightmare that felt like it was never ever going to go away, constantly stuck in a loop, replaying that fateful evening over and over as though he were trapped in a cruel genjutsu.

Everything felt so real. The cool evening breeze blowing over his skin, the sharp sting of kunai biting into flesh. And the absolute horror and fear as he surged forward to cover Naruto as the giant fuma shuriken embedded itself into his spine.

And then, he screamed.

“Iruka…”

As he came to and realised he was being held down, panic set in. Iruka felt like he couldn't breathe, as though something was constricting around his chest getting tighter and tighter on each exhale. Where's Kakashi? H... He promised he'd always be here. A strangled sob escaped his throat and then the tears started to fall. All he could hear was the sound of his heart rapidly thumping and then… singing, a soft voice cut through the haze of panic and the sound of blood rushing in his ears.

“Can you save me now? I am with you, I will carry you through it all.”

Iruka took a shuddering breath and felt calm washing over him. He knew that voice.

“I won't leave you, I will catch you, when you feel like letting go…”

He felt fingers carefully carding through his hair as he listened to that beautiful voice. Kakashi. He was with right there with Iruka, catching him and helping him through his trauma.

“Because you're not, you're not alone…,” Kakashi sang gently. “I'm here, Ru. Always.”

Turning his head towards the voice, Iruka looked through teary eyes and up into the face of his fiance who continued stroking his hair, smiling softly. Warmth flooded Iruka's veins upon seeing that smile, the panic and tension completely washing away, leaving his body feeling tired and absolutely wrung out.

“Kashi, I-” Iruka hiccuped, his hands clutching desperately at Kakashi's top. “I'm sorry.”

“Why are you apologising, Ru? You don't have anything to be sorry for.” Kakashi cupped Iruka’s face, gently brushing away the tears with his thumbs as they began to fall again. “Shhh, it’s okay.”

Iruka tried to push up onto his elbows, wanting a kiss but, the searing pain along his back stopped him in his tracks, making him wince.

“Iruka, stop moving. You might tear your incision if you haven't already. Lay still and let me look,” Kakashi ordered, pulling up Iruka's pajama top to expose the injury.

“Is it okay, Kakashi?” Iruka asked. He felt Kakashi tense up behind him, killing intent suddenly flooding the bedroom and then vanishing just as quick.

“Not quite,” he ground out, clearly trying to keep his voice level whilst he assessed the small amount of damage that Iruka had done during his panic attack. “The wound has reopened slightly in the middle but, the staples are still in place. I think I can heal it.” Bringing his hand directly over the wound, Kakashi let chakra flow to his hand, the green healing light of the mystical palm technique glowing softly as Iruka's skin started to knit back together.

Iruka fisted the bed sheets, a soft whine escaping his throat as he felt the healing jutsu taking effect. It had been four weeks since Mizuki had injured him and although it still hurt, the physical pain was much less than the emotional pain of betrayal. Mizuki had been his friend since they were kids and, while they had grown apart in recent years, he never once imagined that he would literally stab him in the back.

“I can hear you thinking. Stop blaming yourself, Ru. You couldn't have known that he would turn traitor. Thanks to you, Naruto is alive and safe.” Kakashi let the healing jutsu in his hand fade out. “All done. Please be careful, we don't need it opening up again.”

Kakashi pulled Iruka's pajama top back down and helped to carefully manoeuvre him over and onto his back, head propped up with soft feather pillows.

“Thanks, Kashi. Do you think Naruto is okay? I'm worried about him.”

“Maa, he's fine. I saw him yesterday at Ichiraku’s, stuffing his face. He told me to tell you that you need to get better quick so that you can take him out for ramen.”

Iruka chuckled and shook his head, a small smile gracing his tear-stained face. “Sounds about right.” And, at the mention of food, his stomach grumbled loudly.

“I'd hazard a guess that someone is hungry, ne?”

Iruka's face flushed fiercely and, try as he might, he couldn't will the blood away from his beet red cheeks. The more he tried to get his blush under control, the worse it got and before he knew it, his entire face and chest felt like it was on fire, burning with embarrassment.

A smile split Kakashi's face, both eyes crinkling in amusement. “Maa, no need to be so embarrassed. You never blush when you're enjoying me eating your-”

“Kakashi! Does your mind ever leave the gutter?”

Grinning, Kakashi shrugged his shoulders, adopting his usual slouch, and sauntered lazily out of the bedroom, heading to the kitchen to make breakfast.

The faint clanging of plates and saucepans from the kitchen had Iruka drifting into his thoughts. He would never admit it but, he enjoyed Kakashi's teasing. The man was smart, funny, and very quick-witted; something that he really enjoyed in a partner. Iruka found that very few people stimulated his mind like Kakashi.

After his parents died, the Third Hokage had taken Iruka under his wing, teaching him about everything and anything. It kept his mind busy and helped him work through his crushing depression. It was also the reason Kakashi had come into his life; accidentally catching the teen ANBU in a complex trap that he'd learned from one of the scrolls that had been gifted to him. Iruka would forever be grateful for everything that the Hokage had done for him.

The bed dipped next to Iruka, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“I made your favourite breakfast,” Kakashi said. “Miso soup, pan seared salmon and one of those oranges that you love. You know, from that little village on the border before The Land of Hot Water.” He slid the tray of food onto Iruka's lap and helped him sit up, carefully slinging an arm behind Iruka to take the strain off his still healing back.

“What would I do without you?”

“Probably starve.” Kakashi laughed, disappearing into back the kitchen and returning to sit next to Iruka with his own tray of food.

Iruka rolled his eyes and couldn't help but laugh, too. They ate in silence, Iruka occasionally stealing a sneaky glance at his fiance, eyes roaming across the pale skin on show. What did I do to deserve someone as special and beautiful as you? For as long as he was alive, Iruka fully intended to make sure that Kakashi knew how much he was loved and appreciated.

****

“It won’t stop, Kashi,” Iruka whined, desperately trying to contort himself in a way that would allow him to reach his back injury. The staples had been irritating his skin to the point where, if he could reach, he would have most likely scratched himself until he bled.

Kakashi tilted his head at Iruka’s comment, wordlessly asking him to elaborate.

“The itching,” Iruka said.

He continued frantically trying to reach behind himself when all of a sudden, calloused hands gripped his arms, tugging them both forward and pulling him against a solid chest. Iruka looked up to find to mismatched eyes glaring down at him in irritation. “I only healed that an hour ago, Ru,” Kakashi grumbled, his deep voice rumbling in obvious displeasure.

“Why couldn't Tsunade have just healed the entire thing with chakra? The staples are irritating and itching so much,” Iruka complained, pouting and looking every bit like a scolded child.

“You know why, Ru. It's better for your body to finish the rest of the healing rather than rely on chakra for the entire thing,” Kakashi said as he brushed Iruka’s hair back and placed a soft kiss to his forehead.

Iruka understood the reasoning. After all, he had spent a lot of time caring for Kakashi due to the number of injuries he had sustained over the years. But, despite that, being forced to rest, unable to do anything for himself was a huge loss of independence. Sure, Kakashi had been more than happy to help and seemed to enjoy fussing over him but, he couldn’t help feeling like a burden.

With a sigh, Kakashi released Iruka and leaned over to his side of the bed, rummaging through his nightstand. “Hmmm, where is it? I'm sure I put it in here,” he said, sounding irritated.

“Where’s what?” Iruka asked, trying to peek over Kakashi’s shoulder at what he was searching for.

“My jar of healing cream. Ah found it! Now, strip down to your underwear and get on your stomach,” Kakashi demanded, a small smirk on his face.

Iruka started pulling his clothes off, first sliding his sleep shorts down his thighs, then kicking them to the floor in a heap. He went to take his pajama top off but paused, his breath quickening. Kakashi had seen his body after being taken to hospital but, he'd mostly been covered by bandages. He had only seen Iruka's back for the second time this morning.

The night that Mizuki had attacked him, it hadn't just been with the giant fuma shuriken. Dozens of kunai, some poisoned, had pierced his skin, leaving behind many deep, red, angry scars that littered his entire body, especially his arms, stomach, and back. A few of the wounds had become necrotic from the poison, eating away at his flesh and needing debridement, leaving extensive scarring behind.

Iruka's mouth was suddenly very dry, his stomach lurching and breakfast threatening to make a reappearance. He knew what his body looked like now and had been disgusted by what he’d seen. What if Kakashi was disgusted, too?

His heart started racing, hands shaking and clutching at the hem of his pajama top as though it were his only lifeline. Suddenly, there were warm hands on his, gently easing his grip and lacing their fingers together.

“I could never be disgusted, Ru.”

Shit. Had he said that out loud?

“Scars don't matter. They are a part of you and there isn't anything about you that I don't love. You're beautiful to me and nothing will ever change that,” Kakashi whispered and brought Iruka's hand up to his mouth, lips brushing across his knuckles. He continued, pressing kisses to the scars along the inside of Iruka's forearm, right up to the inside of his elbow, hot breath fanning across the sensitive skin.

Iruka's breath hitched and his eyes fluttered shut, the sensation going straight to his groin. Never would he have thought that the inside of his elbow could be an erogenous zone. He opened his eyes to find Kakashi looking at him, gaze heated, clearly enjoying the reactions he was getting. Before Iruka could say anything, Kakashi gave a predatory grin, and suddenly there was a warm, wet, tongue tracing the crease of his elbow. “Fuck,” Iruka gasped. Kakashi had barely done anything to him, and already he was so hard that it was almost painful.

“Mmmm not just yet,” Kakashi said, voice thick with arousal. He placed a wet kiss to Iruka’s arm and pulled the top up and over his head, exposing Iruka’s gorgeous bronze skin. “On your stomach, now.”

Iruka didn’t need to be told twice and he settled down on his front, head resting on the pillow underneath. He could practically feel Kakashi’s gaze roving over his trembling body.

Kakashi leaned back on his knees, opened the jar and dipped his fingers in before returning it to the nightstand. He straddled Iruka's hips and carefully applied the cream, tracing the edges of the wound and making sure to be mindful of the staples holding the delicate skin together.

“It looks awful, doesn’t it?”

Sweeping Iruka’s long hair aside, Kakashi leaned forward and placed a kiss on his shoulder. “You could never-” Kakashi paused, kissing further down -”ever look awful.” He continued to place kisses down Iruka’s spine, pausing between each one to whisper all the reasons Iruka was beautiful.

Eager hands worked their way back up; sometimes gently tracing Iruka’s spine and other times, nails biting into unmarred flesh, raking down his sides followed by Kakashi’s tongue lavishing new scars. Being unable to see where Kakashi’s hands were, and where they would touch next, had Iruka on edge, his skin breaking out in goosebumps and his body quivering in anticipation.

It felt wonderful having Kakashi’s hands and tongue all over him, adding to the fire already burning, the heat simmering under his skin and curling low in his stomach. Before Iruka could stop himself he was pressing his hips into the mattress, desperate for a little friction to ease his aching cock.

“Someone's excited,” Kakashi teased, running his tongue along the shell of Iruka’s ear. He could feel Kakashi was hard as he began rolling his hips, pressing himself firmly against the cleft of Iruka’s ass.

Iruka was so turned on that he couldn't even begin to feel embarrassed as he reached one hand into his underwear, groaning as he took himself in hand.

They both rocked together on the bed, panting harshly; Iruka pushing his hips down into the mattress so he could grind into his hand and Kakashi straddling him, thrusting his clothed cock against Iruka's ass.

“Please, Kakashi,” Iruka begged, although he wasn't quite sure what for. All he could think about was how he was certain he'd burn up if he didn't get it.

Kakashi let out a groan and dropped forward onto both hands, his warm breath ghosting against the back of Iruka's neck. “We shouldn't,” he said. Although, his actions said otherwise, as he pulled Iruka's underwear off before sliding his own down, throwing them somewhere across the room along with his top and settled between Iruka's legs.

Iruka tried to push his hips back but, Kakashi pressed him back down into the mattress, gently spreading Iruka’s ass open and exposing him. He tried to voice his complaint but was silenced by the feeling of Kakashi's hot breath against his skin and then his tongue pressing firm, slow strokes against his entrance.

“Kashi!” Iruka gasped out, pushing back and fucking himself on Kakashi's tongue. “Just- fuck -needmoredeeper- ngh -yeslikethat.”

Kakashi spread Iruka's legs wider, his grip on Iruka’s ass almost bruising as he pressed his face closer, pushing his tongue deeper inside of Iruka's body and then used his lips to just suck.

Almost incoherent and sobbing with need, Iruka couldn't think beyond wanting Kakashi inside him. He so desperately wanted to be filled, stretched wide and to surrender to everything Kakashi had to give.

Kakashi pushed back onto his knees, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. Leaning back over Iruka, he thrust his throbbing cock between Iruka's ass cheeks and groaned against his neck. “You feel so good, Ru. I could come just like this.” He continued to thrust against Iruka's body, panting into his shoulder before his teeth sunk in, causing Iruka to cry out. “On your back. Now.”

Impatient hands helped Iruka roll over and just as he opened his mouth to talk, he was silenced by Kakashi greedily pushing his tongue inside as though he meant to consume him.

Moaning into the kiss, Iruka wrapped his legs around Kakashi's waist and pulled him close, grinding their hips together, enjoying the push and pull of sweat-slick skin. Kakashi pulled his mouth away and growled into Iruka's throat. He opened his mouth, laving his tongue against Iruka's pulse and sucked a mark into his skin. “Mine,” he growled.

Iruka slid his hands up Kakashi's neck and into his wild hair, winding fingers into silver strands and yanking him up and into a bruising kiss, teeth clacking together in his desperation to devour Kakashi.

With reluctance, Kakashi pulled away from the kiss and started to slide down Iruka's body. He paid attention to a couple of new scars just below Iruka’s collarbone, gently tracing them with his fingertips.

An unexpected flick of Kakashi's tongue against his nipple had Iruka gasping and pulling Kakashi's head closer. He looked down just in time to see Kakashi suck his nipple between kiss bruised lips, the sensation sending a bolt of desire straight to his cock. Iruka's hands tightened in Kakashi's hair, but instead of complaint at the pain, it pulled a throaty moan out of him, his eyelashes fluttering as his eyes rolled back in his head.

Iruka kept his tight grip on Kakashi's hair as though he was trying to anchor himself to something, anything, lest he float away. Wet kisses against heated flesh only served to fuel his desire as Kakashi continued working his way down, worshipping every new scar, slowly driving Iruka out of his head.

Hands gripped his hips and Iruka tilted them upwards, spreading his legs in wordless invitation. He took in a shuddering breath and gazed up at the sight before him - beautiful pale skin flushed pink and eyes blown wide in lust. Kakashi was so open like this, his body always honest even when he himself was not.

Reaching under his pillow, Iruka grabbed the lube and pressed the bottle into Kakashi's hand. “Please, I need you.”

He watched as Kakashi poured lube into his hand and shifted forward, their hard cocks brushing together as he wrapped a hand around them both, slicking them up and slowly stroking them together. Iruka gripped the sheets, knuckles turning white, enjoying the feeling of Kakashi's hand moving between their bodies.

Dropping forward onto one hand, Kakashi held himself above Iruka, lips almost touching and breaths mingling together.

Determined to pull some sounds from Kakashi, Iruka raked his nails down Kakashi's chest and tugged at both nipples, the action earning him a low groan, Kakashi stroking them harder, and picking up the pace.

“More,” Iruka choked out.

Suddenly Kakashi came to an abrupt stop, pulling one of Iruka’s hands down between them. He took the hint, curling his hand around Kakashi's. The sensation felt amazing and Iruka couldn't help but start pushing his hips up, Kakashi matching his thrusts, both fucking into their joined fists.

Trying to stifle a moan, Iruka looked up at Kakashi, desperately hoping that he was close.

He was hanging on by a thread and couldn't hold back much longer, the warmth curling low in his stomach threatening to consume him.

“I want to hear you,” Kakashi all but begged.

Curses fell from his lips followed by guttural moans, the sounds only serving to spur Kakashi on, his hips starting to lose any semblance of rhythm as he trembled above Iruka, drawing ever so close to the edge.

“I… I'm so close, fuck- ” Iruka whined, gripping them both together. - “Come for me, please, please. ”

Kakashi captured Iruka's lips in a wet and messy kiss, full of urgency as his hips started stuttering. Tracing the curve of his ass, Iruka pushed the pad of his thumb against Kakashi's entrance, enjoying the way he groaned into their kiss as he came with a grunt, his orgasm painting Iruka's scarred stomach and chest.

Seeing Kakashi come all over him was all it took to push Iruka over the edge. And then, he was coming, coming so hard it was almost painful, mouth falling open in a silent cry as his release joined Kakashi's upon his chest.

Iruka felt his entire body become boneless and suddenly he was fighting back a yawn. He looked up to find Kakashi smiling at him.

“That good, huh?” Kakashi asked, leaning in for a chaste kiss before pushing himself up and scooting to the side of the bed.

“Mmm, yes,” Iruka said. He hadn't felt this relaxed since some time before the graduation exams. Maybe Kakashi is right - sex is a good stress reliever. The thought had him snorting with laughter.

“What's so funny?” Kakashi said as he got up, heading towards the bathroom attached to their bedroom.

“Oh, nothing really. Just thinking about how you are slowly corrupting me,” Iruka called out. “You know, we were told not to have sex until my staples are out and I'm cleared by Tsunade.”

Kakashi returned with a warm, damp cloth and started to carefully clean off Iruka's chest and stomach. He was very mindful of a few scars that were still red, almost raw from slow healing. “Maa, you started it. And, who was I to say no?”

“Asshole.”

“But I'm your asshole,” Kakashi teased, joining Iruka back on the bed, pressing his naked body flush against Iruka's side and slinging an arm across his freshly cleaned chest.

Iruka huffed a laugh and turned to look at Kakashi. He would be forever thankful for how much Kakashi had supported him, even if at times he could be a little over the top, acting like a mother hen and fussing 24/7. Not that Iruka blamed him. He had almost died, after all the first 48 hours had been touch and go due to the severity of his spinal injury, blood loss and the poison coursing through his body, attacking vital organs.

Of course, he had no memory of this and could only go by what Kakashi and his friends had told him. But, according to them, he had crashed twice within an hour of being taken to the hospital. Shortly after, the medics had admitted they were out of their depth and needed help. The Third Hokage hadn't hesitated in sending a team out to locate Tsunade Senju. And thank Kami he had, because he wouldn't be alive if it hadn't been for her unrivaled medical skill.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Huh? Wha- Oh. Nothing, Kashi.” Iruka said. “I'm fine.”

Kakashi arched a brow, giving Iruka a skeptical look. Iruka could tell that he wasn't buying it but was thankful that Kakashi never pushed. He'd talk when he was ready.

“Hmm, if you say so,” Kakashi replied, squeezing Iruka's hand. “C’mon, let's get up and dressed.”

****

“What do you want to watch, Kashi?” Iruka asked, voice carrying from the lounge into the kitchen where Kakashi was making coffee.

“I don't mind, Ru. Whatever you want to watch is fine by me.”

Iruka decided on one of the Icha Icha films. It wasn't really his sort of thing usually but, the storyline was light-hearted with some funny moments mixed in. Definitely nothing like the books that Kakashi read which were very explicit. He didn't think he would manage to watch the films without blushing and squirming in embarrassment if they had actually followed the books. Kakashi would enjoy watching him get flustered and most certainly would tease him relentlessly. Wouldn't change him for the world, though.

“Found something to watch, Ru?”

Iruka looked up from where he was crouched in front of the television as Kakashi padded into the room, carefully placing their drinks onto the coffee table. Pressing play on the video player, he simply nodded and tried to get back up off the floor. Spending so much time laid up in hospital had atrophied his muscles and so, at times Iruka struggled to get up from the floor.

“There's nothing wrong in asking for help,” Kakashi said. He bent forward, slinging an arm around Iruka's slim waist and carefully pulled him to his feet. “You'll be starting physical therapy once you're cleared. Things won't be this way forever, Ru.”

“I just… you shouldn't have to do this.” Iruka sighed, slumping down on the sofa, burying his face in his hands. Tears started gathering and he bit back a sob.

"He's right, I'm a failure, I-" He shook his head when Kakashi began to speak. "I can't even help myself off the ground, Kakashi, why should you have to? Why should you have to help me?"

Kakashi pulled Iruka against his chest, his hands softly carding through long strands of dark hair and whispered against his temple “Because you're my partner and because I love you.” He continued stroking Iruka’s hair, the gesture soothing, helping to calm him down. “You've done this for me enough times so please, let me in. Let me love you.”

Tugging the blanket off the back of the sofa, Kakashi pulled it over Iruka, urging him to lay his head in his lap as he began to sing softly. “I won't leave you, I will catch you, when you feel like letting go…”

Iruka looked up and almost choked up at the fond smile and the absolute warmth and sincerity he could see in Kakashi's eyes. Maybe, just maybe he means it.

“Because you're not, you're not alone…,”

“Thank you, Kashi,” Iruka whispered, eyes heavy as he drifted off to the sound of his partners voice.

What would I do without you?

[adaar-i]

I used to write down my feelings a lot and figured I’d do it again. You don’t gotta read, it’s very long haha but just needed to put it somewhere so. Under a read more because it really is super long and stupid 

Well I’m here again, mid crisis at the ripe ol’ age of twenty seven. My head is all over the place, I’m feeling all sorts of things, all sorts of just…lost. And I thought to myself, what do I usually do when I’m feeling like this? And the answer to that is I used to write. I used to write a lot. I love writing, always have and always will. The sound of my fingers typing rapidly on my keyboard is music to my ears. I would hand write things, but more often than not my hand can’t keep up with my brain, whereas my average 80wpm typing speed is well efficient when it comes to trying to follow my train of thought. I was tempted to go back and edit what I’d written just now, but no. Not allowed. I just have to keep typing and typing until I feel some sort of…I don’t know, closure?

I feel lost. I feel trapped. I still feel like I’m sixteen and I think that’s what terrifies me the most. I haven’t really had the chance to grow up, to ‘become an adult’. What does that even mean? Who knows. I just know that I am not there. I have no clue how taxes work, haven’t had a stable job in…a long time. Still live at home with my parents, my two dogs, my three guinea pigs and three goldfish. Still in the same room, that’s been purple for a while now. Shelves still filled with plushies, fanart, kid things. So many kid things. Are adults allowed to have kid things? I don’t know, that idea plagues me. Am I allowed to be an adult and still have my corner bed, 500 pillows and soft toys to cuddle?

When I think of adults I think of minimalism, white, boring, the dreaded bed in the CENTRE of the wall (HOW IS THAT EVEN COMFORTABLE? DO PEOPLE NOT FALL OUT OF BED?). I think of business people, married people, people with kids, careers, nice clothes. The only thing I have is nice clothes. Can I still be an adult if the walls of my bedroom are bright purple? Or if most of the books I read are YA fiction and not like…self help books? (though I do have a couple of those lying around).

I’ve been trying to do the career thing for years and to no avail it seems. I’ve done two university degrees and do you think they got me anywhere? Not really. Why did no one tell me that employers care more about experience than they do about degrees? Or maybe people did and my stupid anxiety just made things difficult. Yeah alright lets be real it’s probably the anxiety holding me back in everything.

Anxiety about being good enough. That’s the big one. Do I ever feel good enough? Not really. That kinda sucks haha. I have plenty of useful skills, I am a hard worker, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I want to please to no end. But that hasn’t really gotten me anywhere. I’m always stuck. Stuck in the same spot with no clue of what direction to go in. I know where I want to be in the end. I want to have my own home, I want to be married, I want to have kids (biologically and adopted/fostered). I want to rescue animals and live on a farm of some kind. I want to be a successful business owner. I want to be a successful photographer and artist, maybe even a writer. I want to have enough money so I don’t have to worry about not being able to afford things. And I want more money on top of that to help as many people as I can. That’s all I want to do. I want to help. I want to help, I want to be successful, comfortable, and above all else I want to be happy and loved and to love.

So how do I get there? Well I need money. Money is the big issue with me right now. I’ve relied on government payments since I was old enough to start getting them. And there were a few times where I thought I could finally be independent, and they’ve all backfired on me. All of them. I don’t want to be on government payments for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to depend on anyone other than myself for money. And it’s not like I’m flat broke right now either, I’ve been smart and saved. But when you don’t have a stable income you and everyone around you start to worry. So what do I do? Get a job? Wish it was that easy. I’ve been looking for work for years, and I’ve gotten maybe…two interviews? Oh and it’s not like I haven’t had a job before I’ve had a couple but that was back when I was in high school and just after. Nothing fancy, pizza shop, maccas, and a shopping centre activity stall.

My brain is starting to get tired now. It’s going quiet.

Hmm. Jobs. Right. The one thing everyone keeps bothering me about. I’ve bloody tried guys. “Just get a job to pay the bills” IT’S NOT THAT EASY. I’VE TRIED. You think I want to be like this? That’s why I studied so much. Because no one would give me a chance and hire me. And then I thought, you know what? Fuck it. I’m going to chase my dream. I’m going to get a degree in photography and have my own business and live my dream. And you know, I got the degree, I started the business. I got a couple of clients, got a bit of interest. My love for drawing came back, and I added that to my repertoire. I got commissions. I got bloody patrons, who support me every month. And I thought, you know maybe this could actually work.

But it’s never enough.

I was so excited to do my first artist alley. I had dreamed about doing it for years and years. And I finally did it. And to be honest, it sucked. I mean it also didn’t because I learnt a lot, but when you spend hundreds of dollars, hundreds of hours, so much bloody hard work to get there and to be ready, and you make $66 dollars overall, you kinda think well that didn’t work. Haha. That didn’t work at all. I thought I was good enough, you know? I really did. And you can see the light leave my eyes in the vlog that I made about the whole thing. I am completely and utterly defeated. I had sacrificed so much, I had put SO MUCH WORK, so much. I worked so hard. And right now it feels like it was all for nothing. I was lucky enough to get into a startup business program, which was my savior. I thought that’d help give me the boost I so desperately needed. And again, learnt a lot, got some financial support, but all in all I feel like I wasted so many peoples time and money.

And now I’m back at square one it feels like. Back to the beginning. Where I have no job, no booming business, and a stubbornness to not want to give up, but also feeling so defeated and so god damn depressed. I CRIED AT HARRY POTTER. I’ve seen those movies a hundred times over and I still bawled my eyes out when Cedric died. I’ve never done that before. I even forced myself to watch ‘A Dog’s Purpose’ so that I would cry, thinking that would help. I bawled. Felt a little better, but now I’m back to feeling like a heap of crap. I always come back to this place at some point or another. But this time feels like I just might not be able to get myself out of it. What a scary thought.

When will my time come? When will all my hard work finally pay off? I want to know, and so does everyone else around me. The constant ‘how is your business going?’ ‘oh something will happen’, WHEN? WHEN WILL IT HAPPEN? That’s another thing. What I make is never good enough for anyone. I myself have learnt that money at the end of the day isn’t the end all and be all. Of course people need money to live, but I don’t need that much right now to be comfortable and people just can’t get that into their heads?

I don’t need money. I don’t. But I do. God capitalism sucks. Capitalism can bite my big fat ass. And anyone who ever doubted me can too. Now I’m just mad. I’m mad that all I’ve done is be kind and work hard and it’s gotten me to feeling like shit. So now what? I booked Brisbane Supanova. Might as well kick the dead horse or whatever the saying is. Might as well try once more, and if that doesn’t work than that’s it. I think I’m done. But that’s not until November, and “I need money” between now and then. Blah blah. I hate money. Money can bite me too.

Come on, try and get your thoughts straight.

I’m tired. Yes I know, I’m sad too.  

It’s not time to give up just yet. There’s still a little bit of fire left inside you somewhere. It’s small right now, but it can grow. I’m too stubborn to let it go out completely.

So what do I do now. What do I need to do to make things less shitty?

Find a way to get some sort of stable income. Look for work again (not that I think it’ll work but better try anyway). Work on new art pieces, add new stock to Redbubble, advertise the shit out of your awesome work. Do more free shoots to make a pretty portfolio just in time for Supanova. Sell some personal stuff if needed, we don’t need a lot of the stuff we have. Save those to sell when we really need it.

Go back to the gym. Just move more. I get real sad when I sit at my desk all day. Need to get away from the computer. Go for a walk, go to the beach, whatever it is. Just move. Get those endorphins. Feel good about yourself.

Still fat though.

Probably going to always be fat. That’s fine. Exercise, make healthier food choices. And god dammit stop eating so much sugar. Drink more water. Eat more fruit and not chocolate. Stop bingeing. It ain’t healthy. Alright. I’ll make a list, and I’ll try be healthier again. I do miss going to the gym. It makes me feel strong. I need to feel strong again. I will go back.

Still tying my self worth to what others think of me. Which isn’t ideal. Isn’t great at all. I’m constantly going between ‘ugh I hate everything that I am’, ‘who would ever love me like this’, and FUCK EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T APPRECIATE ME. It’s so constant. It’s so exhausting, knowing that my thoughts are being little bitches and yet I still can’t just…not listen? What is with that.

Oh my god. Can I still be an adult if I have blue hair?!  

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E14 (Apr 17,2018)

Max asking the real questions. [image description: a conspiracy board featuring the title “WHO IS TALIESIN JAFFE?” and highlights such as “IS HE A PYRAMID???”]

Tonight’s guests are Travis Willingham and, yes, Taliesin Jaffe!

Announcements: Vox Machina: Origins issue #6 is out tomorrow, Pillars of Eternity II will feature free DLC with voice sets and character portraits of Vox Machina and can be pre-ordered now (releases May 8th), Brian was a guest on the NGON podcast, 826LA has kicked off their fundraising campaign (up to $40k will be matched by a generous Critter).

@critrolestats for this episode:

There were 7 “nein” references before the game even started.

This is the first episode in campaign to not have a natural 20. (Travis: “Why did you give the Snitch away?!”)

This is the lowest number of crits rolled in a single episode in this campaign: a single nat one.

Episode 74 in campaign one was the only episode with no crits.

Taliesin thinks that interaction with Cree was more stressful than the Briarwood name drop in campaign one, because at least with the latter he had a vague sense of where it was going. Travis is suspicious.

Travis opted to play the game with the Gentleman mostly because he was feeling bored and wanted to be a little reckless that day.

Brian: “Travis shops at Big & Tall, Taliesin shops at Dark & Cold.”

Taliesin is very impressed that a subset of the fans have managed to figure out everything that’s going on with Mollymauk.

Originally, it was going to be Mollymauk Trickfoot, because the original thought was that it was going to be the Trickfoot circus, but Matt vetoed such a strong connection to the previous campaign.

Travis is going to be waiting for a double-cross from the Gentleman. Taliesin points out that it might just be an audition. Could he be a water genasi? Travis: “I think so. Either that, or he’s just got a thyroid problem, so.”

Travis assumed that, if he’d lost, he’d have been required to work jobs for the Gentleman for a while. Either that or tend bar.

Weirdest day job before doing acting full-time? Travis was security in Hollywood, and worked at a baby shower-exclusive catering company. Taliesin worked at a video store, made candles at a candle company, and managed a toy store. Brian worked at a company that rented porta-potties.

Taliesin pitched Matt his idea for Molly when they were getting their tattoos. It’s less him having no memory and more “a particular character that could only function if he had nothing other than himself.” He left a set of clues built into how he was found and where, but there’s nothing Taliesin knows that Molly doesn’t know.

GIF of the week goes to Fjord’s shifting intelligence score.

From Fjord’s perspective, he thinks pulling the falchion may have scared Caleb into being more of a team player, especially with Nott to communicate as a go-between. Fjord wouldn’t have actually done anything with the sword; if they had pushed it long enough, he just would’ve left. Travis also suspects that Caleb is smart and may be playing nice so that Fjord won’t be as suspicious of him next time.

Travis and Taliesin think Fjord and Molly are pretty good people overall, but agree that Grog and Percy were some of the more iffy characters in the first campaign.

On being in the Zone of Truth: “As a disciple of the Moonweaver, that was not a pleasant experience.” Molly had intended to bring the group in after a few months, not after only about ten days of knowing each other. “There’s trust and then there’s trust.”

Travis: “How much does Yasha know?” Taliesin: “Yasha knows everything.” He’s sending Ashley e-mails with the information she knows that hasn’t been revealed to the rest yet.

Fjord thought Molly was the most scheming person in the group, so finding out that he has a very limited memory is a bit of a twist. Fjord’s not so much concerned about finding out about the things he doesn’t know about in his own backstory; he’s comfortable just leaving some things unanswered. “Maybe if I don’t move, everything will just be cool and things will stay the same.” He’s afraid of drastic change and having more episodes like that, because they’re... unsettling.

Molly woke up more-or-less naked, with shaved hair, and without tattoos (apart from the red ones). The tattoos are partly about rebuilding a persona by covering up the old ones. “Molly is not missing any time or memory. Molly is two years old. There’s nothing wrong with him.”

Fjord probably would’ve believed Molly’s story even without Zone of Truth because it was the last possible thing he would’ve expected. “Anything that doesn’t shock me or give me pause, I feel like I’m getting robbed of the Jaffe experience.” He’s just relieved no one else was really getting asked questions.

Taliesin’s a big fan of the notion of identity and playing with how we think of ourselves, based on his own personal experience with reinventing himself. There are elements of that in Percy, but it’s the fundamental function of Mollymauk’s character. He doesn’t care who Lucien was. It doesn’t matter if he’s a good person or a bad person, it’s “I’m made of nothing but the decisions that led me to be this person. You get to decide who you are, and he’s very much decided who he is.” Brian talks about people being defined by their worst (or best) moments. Taliesin: “He’s selected the things that mattered to him, and he’s fully in that and not interested in investing in anything else.”

Travis: “...man, my character has a fuckin’ Texan accent.”

Fanart of the week: “Nightmares”.

It’s worse than Fjord was expecting, because there’s genuinely no way to find out more about what’s going on with Molly. Fjord is pretty sure everyone’s with Molly (if a little suspicious) and nobody sees him as a liability. “I think, if anything, Beau is mildly entertained.” Fjord thinks of him as a time-bomb with a very long fuse.

Molly’s name was chosen for him by Gustav, because they had to forge papers for him. “Empty, so they started calling him M.T.”

Travis likes that nobody seems to care about his backstory at this point. Travis: “The fewer amount of times I wake up spitting up saltwater...” Taliesin: “I genuinely don’t care until anyone chooses to share or it becomes a problem.” Travis: “Just lawful good, that’s what I am.”

Molly is very nervous about future conversations. Taliesin had a lot of strategies in mind, but the one thing he wasn’t prepared for was meeting someone who knew him in the wild; he thought he’d have longer to prepare. He used his power without the swords once but no one noticed.

Fjord looks at both Caleb and Molly as sources of knowledge and experience he could pull from. He was disappointed to find out that Molly’s swords weren’t magical, because he’d hoped to be able to draw some parallels to his own situation.

Mollymauk’s attitude toward Nott’s questions can be summed up as a quasi-friendly but thoroughly sarcastic “What a patronizing thing to say, go fuck yourself!”

Fjord was more excited to take Nott under his wing “until he realized that she didn’t give a shit about being under that wing.” Both Fjord and Molly are a little nervous about Nott and Caleb.

Travis took Warcaster and Molly took Tough for their level 4 feats.

Basic thing about Molly: “The first thing out of your mouth should never be the truth.”

Molly speaks with the same accent as Gustav.

Brief interlude about LaserDiscs. As you do.

Talks Machina After Dark on Alpha:

Special guest star Pillow Matt!

Taliesin is disappointed there hasn’t been a Fjord Prefect joke yet. Travis is tempted to make Fjord’s last name T’ough.

Travis notes that Fjord’s still evolving as a character. “He’s willing to let the cards fall where they may and maybe take some blind risks,” which isn’t a trait Travis shares with his character.

Travis and Taliesin share their Jester impressions.

Brief interlude about the efficiency of tridents vs. quindents. As you do.

Taliesin on Molly: “He is constantly delighted by shit. He finds life delightful, he finds everything delightful. Any thrill or high or otherwise, he is on board. That is what he does with his free time, which he has not had this week.”

They agree that Molly would win against Fjord in a drinking contest. Fjord would be a super nice drunk: “You’re just so nice to everyone and I can always count on you for a smile!” Taliesin: “Molly gets louder the nicer he gets” and might become prone to weird pranks.

What would Fjord have been most afraid of being asked in Zone of Truth? “What’s your biggest fear? Have you ever lost anyone? Where did you come from? What are you really searching for?”

Fjord and Molly approached the blood thing with the Gentleman as the cost of doing business; in for a penny, in for a pound.

Final question of the night from Max: “Taliesin, are you a pyramid?” Taliesin: “This interview is over.”

[coffeerebagels]

Tbh I'm legit disappointed Klance isn't canon

After reading the tittle many people will come to me complaining and shouting "VOLTRON ISN'T ABOUT SHIPS, GO DIE", I guess. But you know what? I have the fucking right to be disappointed by something and express my opinion, so if you don't like it, scroll away.

LONG POST WARNING!

Now onto the post. I'm really sad Klance isn't canon guys, and I mean, really disappointed.

When I was watching S7, I stopped right after the scene Allura blushes to Lance and I couldn't finish the season. I still haven't finished and probably never will. That scene just made me so sick, I couldn't understand why at that moment but now I see it.

It's because, it's such a harmful trope. Allura is liking Lance just because he was nice to her, not because they share interests or characteristics, neither because they make a great team. It's only due to Lance being a nice guy to her, and that's it. And, even if Allurance was executed better, I still wouldn't like it and you guys know why?

Because they're nothing alike each other. They're not compatible, these two are so different in terms of goals, ways of thinking and even what they enjoy doing that, seeing these two get together felt so wrong to me, and I felt so sick. I still feel sick about it. I think it's mainly because A//urance reminded me a lot of my first relationship and, as someone who dated a guy just because he was my friend and was nice to me, I can assure you guys these kind of relationships don't work. There's just so much more about romance, and constructing romantic subplots in stories, that building only a good friendship just isn't enough. So, I can only imagine Lance and Allura's relationship falling apart.

But I guess they won't do that, right? They'll still make this unrealistic couple happily ever after. Such a weird move for a show that claims to be realistic and dark and, how do they say, "about war" or stuff.

Now, moving on and onto the real discussion, Klance. Klance was my first LGBT ship, and I can say it changed my entire view about LGBT in general. I simply started liking them without knowing how to stop XD I guess many Klance shippers feel the same. But, it was mainly because they worked so well together. I saw those fanarts and those metas and those theories, and Keith and Lance as a romantic couple grew so naturally on me. I could see their potential and how each other could benefit from a romance, disregarding gender. But why I liked them so much in detriment of other canon couples you guys ask?

The answer is simple, they build one of the most compatible relationships of the entire show. Both share similar interests (becoming pilots), both are right hand mans, revealing their common characteristics (besides them constantly mirroring each other, showing their similarity), and their opposite differences complement each other, specially in team work, as this is shown by the show itself, and even with a clear statement by loverboy Lance himself, "we are a good team"

To make a good romantic relationship is to go beyond making a good friendship. Friendships don't exaclty mean relationships. Both Allura and Lance and Keith and Lance had great friendships, but the aspects I mentioned above are what make a friendship go beyond that into building a romantic chemistry. And Allura and Lance simply don't have that. They don't complement each other.

But I guess boy and girl friendships automatically means love... *sigh* And the showrunners made that very clear by developing Allura and Lance's friendship exactly the same way Keith and Lance's friendship was developed, but for some reason the first one is considered romantic progress... *shrugs*

So, I legit thought Klance would be canon. I legit thought they would be a surprise.

Because, aside from them making the most sense out in the show, the producers and voice actors kept teasing about it. Remember the drawing from LM, where they made Lance holds the LGBT sign with a nervous expression alongside Shiro? (Now that we know he's straight it feels so wrong...) Remember that interview where she straight up recongnises how compatible Keith and Lance are? (Meaning they saw the potential, but decided to go towards A//urance regardless) And how about that recent interview entirely about Klance where JDS said they are a natural progression? And right after that, telling about a similar dinamic in another series where the characters that parallel Klance eventually get together? And let's not talk about the fanarts they liked.

To sum it up, I legit thought they were teasing Klance like it would really be canon. And fans can't be blamed for it. The producers never acknowledged it, sure, but AL wasn't acknowledged but them either. It's funny cause, I trusted the EPs so much and A//urance seemed so out of the blue to me that I completely disregarded the possibility of them being canon. And to top it all they made all that teasing I mentioned above, allowing a second interpretation that KL would really be the path.

*sigh* I'm very disappointed. Not only did they fuck up with the romance subplots (with the exception of Hunay, but it was barely touched upon until S7) and LGBT rep, but only now I noticed how flawed and shallow was their story and how much character potential we lost. So I'm legitimately upset. They could've handled the whole shipping thing so much better. They could have at least clarified it wasn't going to be canon, but nope, they teased it instead.

But guys, these people are smart. Or do you think they wanted to lose over half their fanbase and popularity? They knew Klance was very very very popular.

So they used us as bait for their show instead.

So yeah, that's it. I'm just really disappointed by the show. I've become such a fan of it because of its characters, and Klance changed my view of things so much, but guess what? The characters weren't properly explored and developed, this including the relationships between them, and Keith and Lance's friendship wasn't fleshed out the way I personally thought it should have been. They composed one of the best team dinamics within the show, so even if they haven't made then love each other, I at least expected a proper development of their friendship.

That is all. I just wanted to vent my entire view about Voltron's romance subplots. In general, I think they suck. And the overall plot doesn't make it better either, since now it's mostly composed of emotionless fights, lack of character interaction, and use of flat drama for shock value.

And yes, I really think Klance had the potential to be one of the most amazing romances in cartoons, regardless of being gay or not.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

[distressindisguise]

Love, Simon: Book vs Movie

Obviously this analysis contains spoilers for the movie Love, Simon and the book Simon vs the Homosapien Agenda. I’ve literally been wanting to talk about the differences between the two for so long but my friends haven’t read the book so it’s so hard for me to share and squeal about it. If you’ve read or watched both, or just one, hopefully you enjoy this :) So let’s begin.

1.) Casting

-Simon

When I heard that Nick Robinson was going to be playing Simon, I screamed. He’s played a plethora of different characters lately from strong Ben Parrish to Cocky Olly and now Awkward Simon. He played him so well although in the book, I would say Simon was a bit more feminine. But I kind of liked the change. Nick brought a lot of himself to Simon’s character, and I think that’s the cause for the change.

- Bram

First off, I was so freaking happy they kept Bram black and Jewish. What an icon. Anyways, I think Keiynan did a great job with his character. In the books, Bram was the more “masculine” one I guess you could say. But again, I really like the change whether it was done purposely or not. I think it had to do more with who played the characters than anything.

-Nick

Honestly, I had pictured Nick differently. Nick was supposed to be an intelligent guitar player who loved Indie rock and philosophical questions while still being a star athlete. And yeah explaining it like that, I can see why they changed his character. Nick’s character was so unrealistically perfect in the books but hey, I liked cute slightly oblivious soccer Nick as well. I don’t clearly remember what Nick’s ethnicity was in the book, but I like that they kept more diversity in the film by casting Jorge Lendeborg Jr.

- Leah

I. Loved. Katherine Langford. As. Leah. I. Have. No. Complaints. She. Was. Great. She portrayed her so well and her and Nick Robinson just had such amazing chemistry. Their friendship felt so genuine, just like the books and I have no complaints at all. I was so happy you don’t understandddd. There was some differences in her character though but I’ll talk about those later because it has more to do with plot.

- Simon’s sisters

Simon had more than one sister, but only the younger one was cast. I see why, honestly. The other sister wasn’t really necessary to the plot of the movie at all. The oldest was away for most of the book and the youngest was really the only important one. The movie hadn’t really portrayed Nora as Nora to me. I can understand that change as well though, because the only interesting thing about Nora in the book was at the end when we found out that she had formed a band. Giving Nora a specific personality in the movie made a lot of sense even if it was totally different.

-Abby

No complaints. She was exactly like how I pictured Abby in the books. Only change in her character that was obvious to me was that she lived closer to Simon than I would’ve liked. There’s this whole section of the book where it talks about how the black kids who went to the school lived miles and miles away. She had to spend a long time on the bus each day just to travel to school. That fact may not seem so important but it emphasized how segregated our society still is, even if it isn’t written anywhere. I liked that detail a lot so I was pretty disappointed when it wasn’t added in the movie.

- Martin

Martin looked and acted exactly as I imagined. Martin pissed me off in the books and pissed me off in the movies. One thing I liked that the movie stressed was his kindness. In the books, it was there sure but it was overshadowed by how much everyone hated him lol. In the Movie, you still hated him but it was easier to understand where he was coming from even though what he did was still wrong.

- Ethan

He did not exist in the books, but I think it was a smart move to add him in the movie. It stressed the fact that two very different people could be gay without following the same “stereotype”. I liked the conversation he and Simon had outside of the office. It’s a conversation I think Simon would’ve needed in the books that he couldn’t get from anyone else.

2.) Plot

Here’s a list of minor and major changes I witnessed that I had not already mentioned.

-Leah was not in love with Simon. This is one thing that I hated the movie did. It was a cliche that I was happy the book stemmed away from, but at least the Movie showed how Leah wasn’t mad about it and how she was willing to move on and accept him for who he was. I liked that part, but honestly all of it could have been avoided. Fun fact: Leah drew yaoi fanart in the book. I loved that about her. She was more upset about Simon not telling her that he was gay first in the books. She felt like everyone was replacing her with Abby, and it was honestly a big slap in the face. First Abby takes her crush from her, and now her best friend? Personally, that angle of things was far more interesting to me than Leah being in love with Simon.

-Cal was actually LGBTQ+ in the books. Or at least it was assumed. He was jealous of Abby when he saw Simon hanging out with her and genuinely seemed to be into him at one point. In the Movie, he doesn’t seem to be interested in him at all.

-The mystery of who Blue is was way more complex in the books. It was harder to figure out. In the Movie I feel like they just gave it away too early. There were too many obvious hints dropped and I don’t know if that’s just because I already knew who it was, or if it really was just too easy. For instance, Bram was sitting there eating Oreos and talking about how he loved the Halloween ones RIGHT AFTER SENDING AN EMAIL SAYING HE LOVED THE HALLOWEEN ONES. like c’mon now. Really?

-Bram and Simon’s friendship was more developed in the movie. THIS WAS MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE MOVIE!!! In the books, Bram was a background character that didn’t say more than two words to Simon. They sat at the same table at lunch and had English together, but other than that they weren’t really on daily speaking terms. In the Movie, Bram was a regular occurrence. Whether it was begging for Simon’s fries, inviting him to a party, kicking ass at cup pong, or singing karaoke together, they were definitely well established with each other. It was fun to see, especially because their chemistry was amazing as well. It’s something the Movie definitely did better. In the books, Bram and Simon just jumped into a relationship with each other despite few interactions in real life which outside of the fictional world: WOULDVE BEEN AWKWARD ASF.

- Bram knew that Jacques was Simon way before Matin exposed him on Tumblr. I understand the reason for the change in the movie though. They did not have 3 hours to develop this plot.

- Honestly?? My favorite part of the book was when Bram took Simon out to the grocery store on a date and bought a bunch of Oreos to create this sundae Simon joked about on an email because he worshiped Oreos. That small detail was so adorable to me but it got cut so ugh

- Another one of my favorite scenes that got cut was when Bram bought Simon a t-shirt from his favorite band and put it in his locker. That was so freaking cute as well. Also, side note. Simon’s favorite band was not Panic! At The Disco in the books but I’m honestly so happy it was in the movie. When Brendon Urie popped up on the screen I almost died oops.

- The musical Simon’s school did was Oliver! which doesn’t hold much significance but hey

- Abby did Simon’s make up for the play and he really liked it

- Simon used to like to wear dresses when he was younger (this was probably taken out because the movie portrayed Simon as less feminine)

- The Bram x Simon kiss did not happen on the Ferris wheel, but the change made sense in the movie. I don’t mind the change although I was lowkey butthurt about it at first before I saw the film. It made sense.

- Honestly the whole kiss scene was kind of cringey to me in the movie. That must’ve been so awkward waiting on a Ferris wheel for hours as random people took out their phones and whispered “I love gay people.” as if he didn’t already feel pathetic enough. In the movies, Bram caught Simon on this ride that Bram admitted made him vomit over email. That was really cute to me because Bram literally got onto that ride just for Simon and they were able to have their moment alone without other people ruining it.

- Their emails started to get really spicy. It progressed from “I can’t help but to think about kissing you” to basically, “I like picturing you horny” which isn’t a direct quote but it’s something along the lines of that.

- After the play, things got spicy in real life

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

3.) Important Things That Were The Same

- Simon’s speech to Martin about how coming out was his decision. I’m so happy they kept this

- a lot of the jokes were directly from the book as well which I really liked

- Abby and Nick had gotten together at the end

- Simon’s conversation with his mom

Okay that’s about all I can think of, feel free to add if you’d like. I’ve never actually done an analysis or anything before but I just really want to share my thoughts on these two masterpieces.

[seungmin-jpeg]

Stray Kids on Tumblr // Jeongin

Chan // Woojin // Minho // Changbin // Hyunjin // Jisung // Felix // Seungmin // Jeongin //

To pure for tumblr 

To to to pure

Honestly he’d never have a tumblr

Hed be all over instagram tho

But for the sake of this 

I'll make it work lol

Has a very cute blog

Lots of puppies

Honestly just a lot of soft baby animals in general 

Like little sloths rolling around 

Cute foxes jumping around in fields

He’d reblog show recs 

For you know 

All that free time he has right

I feel like he’d be well aware of the kpop fans on tumblr 

So honestly he wasn't that surprised when he started to see stray kids stuff pop up everywhere

But he was surprised to see that he himself was getting lots of attention among fans

Sure he gets lots of attention from his members

But he didnt think he’d get a lot from fans???

Man he was wrong

He’d totally be that blog that reblogs a bunch of fanart

Like all kinds of fanart

All the fanart in the whole fanbase of stray kids

Always includes cute little tags 

Gushing over how beautiful the artwork is 

Always has to be super careful to not use personal pronouns 

Because that would be a disaster 

He’s smart enough to know being on social media

Especially tumblr 

Was not the smartest idea buttttttt...

Anyways 

Has a lot of pastels in his theme 

Put a decent amount of effort into his mobile theme

Still has the default desktop theme tho

Is the actual definition of the Soft Tumblr Stan

He reblogged one of your fanarts once

And you were just doing the usual checking of the reblogs to see if anyone tagged anything

Because reading tags on your art is the best thing

And this blog bean-worm had the cutest tags

You were like what kind of url is bean-worm but aye whatever

You ended up checking out more of his blog

And there were cute little baby animals everywhere 

And pretty fanart

So you ended up following this bean-worm blog

And just cause you could 

And no stranger has ever left such nice tags on any of your pieces 

You messaged him 

And thanked him for all the nice things he said about your art

And how it made your day

Jeongins all fluttery now

Because first of all this is the first message from someone whos not one of those bots

And the message was so nice his heart might actually melt. 

So of course he response 

And thus starts the purest of friendships 

So pure it’s whiter than the whitest white on earth 

Does that make sense what

Anyways 

Ngl

It doesn’t take to long for you to realize its jeongin

Jeongin really just threw caution to the wind when he started messaging you

Sure jyp had warned them all about this

And he’d heard about the stories with day6

But yolo am i right 

So the two of you talk for a long time

Like a year

Conversation drops every now and then

Naturally cause jeongin is busy

You never really go out of your way to let him know you know its him

But he’s not dumb

So he has a little bit of an idea that you know

So then it becomes an odd “we both know” elephant in the room

But that doesn't effect the friendship

Um so yah time’s past since you first started talking 

And stray kids has already announced they’re going on a world tour 

You flip shit because already holy cow

But of course you’re like rip wallet im going nothing's holding me back

You were out to get the best ticket 

And man did you get a good ticket 

Vip boiiiiiii

Youre going to meet stray kids irl

Hi touch, group photo the whole deal

You’re going to meet jeongin 

Omg you’re going to met him 

At this point it was like meeting a mutual for the first time

So you shakily get on tumblr 

Still trying to recover from the fact you lost a few of your lives buying the ticket

And you shoot jeongin a message

Just something like 

“I got a vip ticket to see stray kids”

And now jeongin is looking down at his phone in the practice room

Because oh god he’s going to meet you

Should he tell you who he is 

I mean you already knew 

He knew that 

But should he really say it straight out

He ends up replying with a simple “i’ll get to meet you then!” 

And just to confirm your ever growing suspicion you mention you never told him which city you’ll be at

And he’s just kinda “oh, ill be at all of them”

And you laugh and say “thought so” 

So jeongins identity has been confirmed 

Without him risking that much 

Because how would someone convince anyone that’s him from those screenshots 

Especially with the url bean-worm wow

That would be a stretch 

The day of the concert slowly arrives 

You watch the videos from other concerts flood your social media 

And try your hardest to avoid spoilers

When it gets even closer 

You send a picture of the outfit you’ll be wearing to jeongin

So he can spot you easier

Of course you wont need any help finding him 

Its all the emotions the day of the concert as you wait in line 

Firstly its a freakin stray kids concert 

Second you got the best ticket

Third you’re legit going to go through hi touch with all the members holy crap

And fourth you're finally going to be able to meet your lovely friend and mutual jeongin 

You had the time of your life during the concert 

Had a great spot with a great view 

Tons of friendly people around you

Just really having the time of your life 

The concert ended and then it was hitouch time 

Your heart couldn’t have been any louder as the set up for everything 

You hung out with the others fans 

Waiting while the boys got themselves together  

When they finally came back out 

You could tell jeongin was searching for you

Part of you wanted to stand up and make yourself known 

The other part of you wanted to hide behind the nearest person and never let him see you

So inteast you just stayed put

Not too noticeable 

But not hidden

Nothing 

And no one

Can escape jeongin’s hawk eyes

He found you real quick

And couldn’t help but smile a tiny bit when he saw you

He’d finally found you

And damn you looked just as perfect as he had imagined you to be

Actually you looked even better

All he knew was that it was going to take a miracle for him to keep himself together when you finally got closer

Like

His first hitouch had been super nerveraking 

But this wasn’t his first hitouch

No he had done so many at this point

But it was like three times the nervousness he had felt during his first hitouch

He didnt know what to do with himself

The line started to move forward

And you fell in place somewhere near the back

Too nervous to really try and get up in front

But also wanting to hold out the moment just a little longer

Slowly you got closer and closer

And of course jeongin was at the very end of the line

At this point youre just like

God please dont let my hand get all sweaty

Youre like seconds away from blacking out because so many emotions at once

Finally its ur turn

And your panicking

Because simply meeting skz is enough to shut all your organs down

Ur gushing from witnessing chan and his curly hair in person

And talk about real luck getting to see minho in pastel pink hair 

And then at the very end

You see jeongins bright smile

Now braces free

All your nervousness melts away when you see him

And its all replaced with pure joy

Youre not really sure what to say

So you just say “good job” 

And stare really intensely into his eyes

Because yes

And he kinda gives your hand a little squeeze as you pass by

And your heart just flips

Like damn boys about to kill you 

By the time you finally got back from the venue and settled down in bed 

You look down at your phone and see a message from him

And ur like wtf rest my dude you just did a whole concert

But when you open the message you just

Uwu

Because it read “you’re even pretty then i had imagined” 

Now youre dead

And you send back a cheeky response to jeongin which means hes on uwu overload too

And its a good night all around

And you can tell its only going to get better

[thebookishgoddess]

#Project14Lists 2018: Bookish Ships

My first post for the #Project14Lists bookish event is a list of my bookish ships! I know, controversial. Not everyone ships the canon couple, or ships that one character with anyone at all. Nevertheless, we are all here to express our love for books and the couples that our favorite authors have written, not to throw shade or spill the tea on each other’s ships. We are all trash for something, and we must respect each other’s trash (if that makes any sense, haha!)

For today’s list, I will be putting up twelve of my favorite bookish ships and my favorite fanart of them (with credits to the brilliant artists, of course!). There are waaaay too many ships that I love, if I’m being realistic here. But I got lazy after the 12th graphic I had to edit up for this. I’ll be dabbling on my favorite quotes/scenes of the ships and a little reaction to said quote or scene.

Let the fangirling commence!

Cover photo credit: johannathemad

1. Thomas Creswell & Audrey Wadsworth from the Stalking Jack the Ripper series by Kerri Maniscalco

Favorite Quote/Scene: “You are not mine to take.” He brushed his lips against mine. Softly, so softly I might have imagined them there. My eyes fluttered shut. He could persuade me to build a steamship to the moon when he kissed me. We could orbit the stars together. “You are yours to give.” --Hunting Prince Dracula

Are you bloody kidding me with that? Honestly, Thomas and Audrey is on the top ten of my favorite ships of all time simply because of that scene alone. This scene shows how much Thomas values Audrey as his equal and partner despite all the mayhem they went through. Also because Thomas Cresswell is every girl’s #bookboyfriendgoals because he’s suave af. I WILL SHIP IT TO MY GRAVE.

Art by phantomrin

2. Elias Veturius & Laia of Serra from the Ember Quartet by Sabaa Tahir

Favorite Quote/Scene: Laia is curled in a ball on the other, one hand on her armlet, fast asleep. 

"You are my temple", I murmur as I kneel beside her. "You are my priest. You are my prayer. You are my release." --A Torch Against the Night

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. Do men like Elias Veturius even exist in the 21st Century? Hells no. Well, maybe, but the probability of one existing is about 1 to a million, so there’s that. I have never been so moved by such a simple statement, especially since that mantra is supposed to be Elias’s mantra to like, what was it? His honor in fighting for the Empire? But when he said that to Laia, it’s the same level of honor and I’m just so emotional about that?? What even?? How dare Sabaa?? 

Art by gabriella.bujdoso

11. Draco Malfoy & Astoria Greengrass from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

Favorite Quote/Scene: DRACO: Which is why you need this [time-turner]. I have been holding onto it, barely resisting using it, even though I would sell my soul for another minute with Astoria.

DRACO: You [speaking to his son, Scorpius] know what I loved most about your mother [Astoria]? She could always help me find light in the darkness. She made the world — my world, anyway — less — what was the word you used — “murky.”  

--Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT DRACO MALFOY FOR A HOT MINUTE? This man, who firmly believes himself hopeless soon after the Battle of Hogwarts ended, gets the happiest gift of all by having some girl named Astoria Greengrass see the good in him and love him for who he is. If that isn’t the best trope in a ship, I don’t know what is! We know nothing about Astoria other than the fact that she’s some obscure sister of yet another obscure classmate of Draco’s named Daphne. And yet, she seemed one of the most integral characters to me in Cursed Child when Draco said that he resisted using the time-turner to see his dead wife. 

Let’s not forget how when Scorpius time-traveled to a VoldemortWins!AU that Draco still ends up with Astoria. I think that’s what so beautiful about Draco and Astoria. They’re such a minor couple in the background of Hinny and Romione, but they carry so much history we’ve yet to know thanks to their darling cinnamon roll of a son, Scorpius. Anyone who truly knows me is already knowledgeable of the fact that I cry over this ship on a daily basis. And I’m sorry again that I had to cry and make one heck of a long description for this ship because they’re my ultimate fave *ugly sobs*.

Art by blvnk-art

4. Cress Darnell & Carswell Thorne from The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer

Favorite Quote/Scene:

“Captain?“ “Cress.“ She couldn’t not say it, although she realized he was right. It was sort of scary. Much scarier than it had been the first time she’d told him, out in the desert. It was different now. It was real. "I’m in love with you.” He chuckled. “I should hope so, after all that.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss against her temple. “And I love you too.” --Winter

FIRST OF ALL, WHAT THE ACTUAL FORK I AM SCREECHING OVER THAT. That scene was probably one of the most memorable scenes I’ve read in the last installment of the Lunar Chronicles. Forget how Levana died and all was well. I cannot help but forget this very scene that sets every other couple in the series apart because of how well-written and developed these two were together. Right now, I am super tempted to re-read the Lunar Chronicles, just for the heck of rereading Cresswell (the ship name) all over again. 

Art by vvivaa

5. Tedros & Agatha from The School for Good and Evil series by Soman Chainani

Favorite Quote/Scene: “But you are my queen. No one but you. And I like seeing you wear it. Because as long as you do, I know you still love me. And given our history of miscommunication, physical cues are helpful.” --The Last Ever After

I absolutely adore Tedros and Agatha. I have been rooting for them since day one of this series and I will never stop (even if Soman highkey tore them apart in Quests for Glory, for shame). They’re probably the most realistic couple to me, if there was a better word for it? Miscommunication definitely happens a lot between these two because Tedros can be pretty dense sometimes and Agatha can be quite arrogant. But I always love how they come together in the end to work it out because that’s what most couples do--they fight, but they don’t lose sight of what’s really important to them. Tedros and Agatha physically embodies those kind of relationships and I am absolutely here for it. Soman needs to stop hurting me after Quests for Glory though because Tedros and Agatha being apart up until Crystal of Time physically hurts me askhjsfkhja.

Art by thevioleteuphonia

6. Nina Zenik & Matthias Helvar from the Six of Crows duology by Leigh Bardugo

Favorite Quote/Scene:

“I am grateful you're alive", he said. "I am grateful that you're beside me. I am grateful that you're eating." 

She rested her head on his shoulder. 

"You're better than waffles, Matthias Helvar." 

A small smile curled the Fjerdan's lips. 

"Let's not say things we don't mean, my love.” --Crooked Kingdom

I AM STILL HIGHKEY MAD FOR WHAT LEIGH DID TO THIS SHIP. I won’t say more, but I will say that this is the most painful ship to have ever sailed and I will never get over it. But also the sweetest and well-crafted because of how much these two characters developed over the course of two books. Granted, Nina and Matthias had their history together before the Dregs, but even without it, Leigh wrote them in a way that makes you believe they really are meant for each other in the end despite all adversity. I’m happy Nina is likely going to get a female love interest in Leigh’s installment on Prince Nikolai’s story, though her being with Matthias will always have a special place in my heart.

Art by nilaffle

7. Lira & Elian Midas from To Kill A Kingdom by Alexandra Christo

Favorite Scene/Quote:

“If you get shot,” Lira says, “I’m going to treat you like you’re incapable of doing the simplest tasks.” 

She cradles her arms around her knees to keep out the cold. 

“See how you like it when I hold out my arm to help you walk, even though you’re not shot in the leg.” 

“I’d be flattered,” I say, “that you would look for an excuse just to hold my hand.” 

“Perhaps I’m just looking for an excuse to shoot you.” --To Kill a Kingdom

I love a good “do I want to kill you or kiss you, it’s interchangeable” trope between couples, and when it comes to Lira and Elian, they pretty much seal the deal on that kind. Lira, the princess siren, is pretty much a cray murderer that takes people’s hearts and Elian is a prince-pirate that’s set to destroy her and kill her for good. I mean, it can’t get any more angst and interesting than that. The way they slowly develop in this standalone is very intriguing because not a lot of authors can pull off a realistic romance fantasy the way Alexandra Christo did. I just absolutely love Lira and Elian, their funny banters and their angst. They’re the kind of ship I would sail forever, really.

Art by silketara

8. Ron Weasley & Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

There was a clatter as the basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione's arms. Running at Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. Ron threw away the fangs and broomstick he was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that he lifted Hermione off her feet. --Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

CONTROVERSY. But seriously, I absolutely adore and love Ron and Hermione together because of their balance as a couple. There are times where Ron will be street smart and there are times (but most of the time) where Hermione will be book smart. Plus, I definitely think they need each other at times to get off their own high horses because we all know Hermione can be a wee bit intense and Ron can be a wee bit ignorant, but that’s the beauty of them balancing each other out. And that particular favorite scene I just showed proved just how far their relationship as more than friends have come. I practically squealed the first time I read their first kiss scene!

Plus, have you seen them in Cursed Child? I know hardly anyone considers it canon, but adult Ron and Hermione are the cutest ship to squeal at in that book--which seems to be one of the very few good things that book had ever produced. 

Art by johannathemad

9. Elain Archeron & Lucien Vanserra from the A Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J. Maas

Favorite Scene/Quote: Lucien’s hands slackened at his sides. His voice broke as he whispered to Elain, “You’re my mate.” --A Court of Mist and Fury

Here we go, y’all. Another controversial ship. Let me just say that I want Elain to be happy, and whether it’s with Azriel or Lucien or by herself, I’m totally down for that. I just simply love the idea of Elain and Lucien together because of how actual smol beans they both are. Elain, our sweet flower girl and Seer with Lucien, our soft and loyal Fae--I mean, honestly. If I’m weak for ships that want to kill each other, I’m also weak for ships that have the softest hearts. I think they both have their own struggles and I definitely think they’ll grow from those struggles together. 

We all know what happened in ACOFAS and how Elain pretty much snubbed Lucien, but I still have high hopes for them. Maas has a plethora of novels coming out for the minor characters of the ACOTAR series, and I’m betting Elain and Lucien will get their moment in one of those novels. I haven’t lost hope yet! I mean, I bought magnetic bookmarks of these two, so it’s pretty clear I want these two to be endgame, haha!

Art by embaileyart

10. Nesta Archeron & Cassian from the A Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J. Maas

Favorite Quote/Scene: Cassian grunted in pain, but lifted his bloodied hands - to cup her face. “I have no regrets in my life but this.” His voice shook with every word. “That we did not have time. That I did not have time with you, Nesta.”

She didn’t stop him as he leaned up and kissed her - lightly. As much as he could manage. --A Court of Wings and Ruin

I think the whole, if not all, of the ACOTAR fandom can agree that Nesta and Cassian are endgame through and through. Judging by that intense moment alone as per the scene presented above, I can pretty much say that while they both have a long way to go, the foundation has already been built from there. I mean, come on, people! They were willing to get killed by the King of Hybern if it meant protecting each other. If that isn’t squeal-fangirl factor trying to protect each other from some evil war lord, I don’t know what is!

Art by meabhd

11. America Singer & Maxon Schreave from The Selection series by Kiera Cass

Favorite Quote/Scene: “Break my heart. Break it a thousand times if you like. It was only ever yours to break anyway.” --The One

My high school fangirlish heart is exploding with memories of how much I loved America and Maxon back then, and I still do! This single sentence above said by Maxon says so much about how far he and America have come together through the adversities faced during the Selection and the rebellions that came with it from the people of Illea. Their love story is definitely one for the ages. While it’s your typical poor girl marries rich prince story, they’re definitely worth the remarkable development they’ve have over the course of three beautiful books.

Art by marimari999

12. Arin & Kestrel from the The Winner’s Curse trilogy by Marie Rutkoski

Favorite Quote/Scene: She turned to look at him, and he was already looking at her. 

“I’m going to miss you when I wake up,” she whispered, because she realized that she must have fallen asleep under the sun. Arin was too real for her imagination. He was a dream.

“Don’t wake up,” he said. --The Winner’s Crime

I’m in slight tears because I still remember this scene in the second book. The scene wasn’t actually real, but a dream that Kestrel had after months of being separated from Arin by some messed up duty to her country. Y’all have no idea the struggle these two had before they finally got their happily ever after (they did, just a little heads up for any hopefuls wanting to read the trilogy). This scene definitely gave me a sense of the impending tragedy of them being together (and yes, there’s also a forbidden love trope, sign me tf up, amiright), but it was a momentary bliss to everything that’s been happening during the course of when that scene happened. I absolutely adore Kestrel and Arin, and I’m so mad very few people have read of them or the series ahhhh.

Art by taylordraws

Phew! That was a lot of ships and hunting down for their quotes. Admittedly, I had some trouble with looking for scenes/quotes and that’s actually a perfect opportunity for me to start bookmarking my favorite parts of a book.

Aside from the struggles, though, I’d love to hear some of your favorite bookish ships, whether we ship the same thing or not. It’s always interesting to hear someone else’s point of view of ships, especially ones where our ships contradict. Feel free to sound off in the comments below!

[theteablogger]

Bullshit

Two things:

First of all, I’ve heard through the grapevine that Andy is sharing screenshots that allegedly prove that mine are fake. For what it’s worth, I have never in my life faked a screenshot of anything, let alone a screenshot of one of Andy’s posts. The most editing that I’ve done to them is to crop out extraneous material that might identify the person who sent them to me, to join screenshots together when it takes more than one to capture an entire post, to censor other people’s names and pictures or Andy’s own contact info, and occasionally to highlight something. That’s it.

Second, I’ve recently received screenshots of a Facebook post that shows what Andy is telling his friends about what’s recently happened in LA, and how Andy awareness bloggers and tf-talk are entirely to blame for it. I’m going to share it here and respond point-by-point. I realize that Andy is talking about more people than just me, but a) there are very few of us (outside tf-talk) posting about him now, and b) I can only speak for myself anyway. This is going to be long. Sorry.

(If you’d like a quick preview of Andy’s post, he’s been saying almost exactly the same things since at least 2012, so here you go.)

One major problem with this is that the “30 second cocktail party bio” is often all that people get. His former host was very clear that he hadn’t told her about leading two cults, sexually abusing people, mentally and emotionally abusing and manipulating people, and more. What little he did tell her, he blamed entirely on mental illness and made it sound like a lot of stupid internet drama.

When he refers to “listing [his] birth name and literally every screen name [he’s] had or people have suspected was [him] since 1995,” that’s obviously about me. The reason that list is featured so prominently on my blog is that Andy has used so many aliases and screen names over the years that reading about his past can be very confusing for people. Many times, even recently, I’ve seen others express surprise that Thanfiction and Victoria Bitter (for example) are the same person, although they were familiar with most of the trouble that he’d caused under both of those names. I would never, ever mention Andy’s birth name if not for the fact that his earliest known online manipulation and lies were under that name. 

Now, here’s the really big issue, for me: I have never said that Andy is a sociopathic narcissist abuser. I have never tried to label him with any specific diagnosis or even a DSM category.

Once in 2014 (before I even had a blog) I submitted a post to 1-purp0se that included something about emotional vs. cognitive empathy, positing that Andy had the latter, but not the former. I’ve regretted that part of the post ever since because I am not a mental health professional and that was only my opinion. In the years since then, I have made sure that I could substantiate everything with screenshots and I have not made anything approaching a diagnostic claim.

I have always been very clear that I have never met or personally interacted with Andy. It’s there for all to see in my FAQ. Also, I have never, ever so much as implied that Andy has abused me in any way. Anyone who thinks that I have either has not actually read my blog, or has a serious reading comprehension problem. I have never even suggested that X was anything like Andy, and have only shared those stories on my blog in hopes of being helpful to other survivors. I am disgusted by the implication that everything that I post is merely a projection of my own experiences of abuse...and at the same time, darkly amused that this is the best Andy can do to refute anything that I’ve said about him.

I have never rejected, harassed, or attacked anyone who’s contacted me about Andy. I have been attacked and harassed by people attempting to defend Andy, and I had a bit of a meltdown in 2015 when I was attempting to defend one of Andy’s friends in tf-talk.

When Andy posts social justice things, he does so in a way that shows that he has little more than a surface-level understanding of the issues, and that he’s more concerned with appearing to espouse a currently popular cause than with actually supporting it. For example, while “raising awareness” about Ferguson, he repeatedly made analogies equating black people with dogs and wild animals. He told people affected by the late-2014 wave of fake suicides in SPN fandom how they were “allowed” to feel and respond. In 2016 he made a number of posts that included misleading and false election statistics, and was very dismissive of people’s concerns about a Trump presidency. That’s the tip of the iceberg, and all that was just on Tumblr. Andy whitesplains and mansplains all the damned time.

There’s “making new friends”, and then there’s forcibly inserting yourself into a pre-existing social circle, acting like you know them all extremely well, and putting intense pressure on them to introduce you to other friends of theirs who are either connected to or actually part of the cast of the webseries on which you are currently fixated. The latter is what he did in LA, according to people who were actually there and were involved.

When Andy says good things about his friends, or other people, they are often backhanded compliments (e.g., his incredibly condescending liveblog of a friend’s SPN fic) or blatant negging (such as making extremely hurtful and gross comments about a woman’s body and following them up with over-the-top assurances that he thinks she’s beautiful). Does he do this every time he makes a positive comment about someone? I have no idea. But it happens often enough to be cause for concern.

"If people say I don’t hurt them, it’s proof that they’re brainwashed or afraid of me, etc. If friends stand up for me, that’s proof that I have created a cultish, us-against-them mentality.”

That first sentence is part of what set off my 2015 meltdown, so I’m not even touching it. I have never said anything even close to that. I have often talked about the fact that Andy has led two actual cults, and that he fosters “us-vs-them” thinking in his friends because he did and he does. Many, many former friends of Andy’s have spoken about the us-vs-them thing, and it’s evident in many of his posts over the years. 

I have never said that Andy needs to tell everyone that he is “a sociopath who was intending to inflict pain.” What makes his “apology” posts fauxpologies is that he continually finds reasons to excuse or minimize acts of abuse he has committed, to explain things away as “misunderstandings”, and to deflect blame in a variety of ways. He also tends to make significant omissions and to bend the truth as far as he can unless/until he’s called out on it.

“We know the secret.” This is hilarious because that’s exactly what Andy used to tell the Bagenders and the DAYDians: “[XYZ everyday occurrence] seems insignificant to everyone else, but because we know the secret, we understand that it’s a message from Kali and Raz,” or what have you. I think there have been a handful of times that I’ve said that something Andy’s done would have sounded innocuous coming from anyone else, but takes on more sinister overtones when his history is taken into account. These things generally have to do with specific lies Andy has told, or with specific, documented ways that he has manipulated people in the past.

This is very misleading. No one has moved the goalposts; there never were any goalposts in the first place. Nobody said, “Andy, if you do these specific things, then we’ll believe that you’ve changed and we’ll never talk about you again.” I have said, and have seen other say, that maybe if he did this or that thing it might indicate that he was serious about changing, or that something that he was doing at the time was a reason to hope that he was honestly trying to change. I and many others have also said numerous times that part of the process of moving on for Andy would have to be leaving fandom for good. Andy is the one who decided that putting on a show of leaving fandom (but still sharing fanart and trying to get other fans’ and creators’ attention via mentions and fannish tweets) was the one and only thing he needed to do in order to convince everyone that he’s a different person. 

And this next bit is the real crux of the issue: even if he really had “ticked all [the] boxes” on an imaginary list of criteria that Turimel, or tf-talk, or the Andy awareness blogs, or whoever had given him...it wouldn’t matter because he is still engaging in many problematic and abusive behaviors. He is “actively, presently committing abuse”, and I believe that he is still dangerous. I refer you again to Molly’s post about his recent stay with her. On the other hand, I have never made any claim that he is abusing Meg or the cats, or about “dozens of other current victims”. (Past victims that we don’t know about? Sure. Although I’m not very fond of the word “victim”.)

I won’t claim that I stand behind everything that’s said on tf-talk, or every post that every other blogger has made. But by all means, try to claim that there’s bias and twisting in my timeline, when it’s full of substantiating evidence in Andy’s own words and in the words of people who have been hurt by him.

I’m not sure where he’s getting “a dozen” from. There are maybe five of us blogging about him sporadically on Tumblr now (very sporadically, in most cases), and an unknown number of anons in tf-talk and fail-fandomanon. Our blogs and tf-talk often go quiet for long periods of time, and he isn’t mentioned that frequently on FFA anymore...until something like this happens.

I love the implication that no one who’s decided to stay away from Andy based on the many warning posts about him, the contents of tf-talk, Abbey’s blog, my blog, etc. has actually read any of it. They’ve all just made blind assumptions. But Andy’s not saying anything bad about them! Oh, no, they’re still smart, reasonable, good, empathetic, woke, and the kind of people that he wants to be friends with and work with. See what I mean about saying shitty things about people and then following up with lavish praise? This is also exactly what this anon on FFA was talking about. Anyway, based on my Statcounter and the fact that Google Docs will show me how many people are currently reading the timeline whenever I open it, I’m going to say that far more than .0002% of people actually read this stuff.

And here it is: it is ALL OUR FAULT that Andy hasn’t changed, even though he’s trying so hard. Comparing himself to a snake that’s had its venom sacs (not poison, Andy) removed is very disingenuous as it implies that it is now impossible for him to do significant harm. That isn’t true of anyone, let alone someone with a 20-year history of lies, manipulation, and abuse. And he actually did “bite” someone recently--again, read Molly’s post, and realize that all happened just a few days ago.

The truth does speak for itself. Those people in LA already had serious concerns about Andy before they read about him online, but they had been cutting him a lot of slack. Molly was already aware that Andy was, for example, trying to dredge up her memories of extremely abusive past relationships in order to manipulate her. She and his friends had already realized that he was constantly lying to all of them about pretty much everything. They’d already pegged him as a performative ally. They’d noticed that he negged the hell out of trans and plus-size people, specifically playing on issues of gender/body dysmorphia, and that he was competitive and condescending toward other men. All of this was based on their own direct observations of his behavior, before they had any idea about his history. And the person who filled them in wasn’t a blogger or someone from tf-talk; it was a close friend of theirs who realized who he was and felt the need to warn them.

(Also? Even if none of the LA people would say that Andy had actually harmed them--I don’t know because I haven’t talked to them all--it is evident that he at least tried to harm them psychologically and emotionally. None of the above behaviors can be waved away as accidents, especially given that they were happening regularly and frequently.)

So what is Andy to do? Maybe stop doing the things listed above, for a start. If what his friends read online (again, after spending time with him in person for a couple weeks) really hadn’t matched what they knew of him personally, the outcome would have been very different. But they’d already been comparing notes on his shitty behavior, and when they read the links they’d been sent, everything that had been happening suddenly made sense. That’s why they kicked him out. If you’re a manipulative asshole, people may be willing to let things slide for a while--but when they find out that you’ve been doing the same shit and worse for 20 years, yes, everything might just be snatched away from you. And that’s your own fucking fault.

Here’s a further comment from Andy:

This is fucking disgusting.

Other than the occasional tf-talk anon, the only person who has regularly (as in, more than an off-hand comment) compared specific words and behaviors of Andy’s to a past abuser of their own was Delwynmarch. And that was several years ago; it’s been a long time since he posted anything at all. Del had his fair share of insightful, on-point analytical posts, too--like his breakdown of Andy’s attempt to explain away his admission of having committed rape and sexual abuse. It’s incredibly disingenuous and dismissive to suggest that the volumes of information and analysis that others have written amount to nothing more than projection, and that we’re just a bunch of poor, ignorant babies who don’t realize how misguided we are. He feels sorry for us. Give me a fucking break.

I have been open about being a survivor of abuse and having lost people in my life to cults. While that is part of what inspired me to start blogging about Andy, that doesn’t mean that it is the entire basis for all of my opinions and analysis. Andy is fond of analogies, so I’ll use one here: This is like saying that because I was once bitten by a dog, any time that I feel the need to correct my own dog’s behavior, I’m obviously just projecting my past experience onto him, so I should just back off and let him keep shitting on the rug.

Furthermore, as much as he likes to say that we don’t know him and therefore shouldn’t act like we understand him...I know Andy a hell of a lot better than he knows me. I’ve been reading others’ words about him since 2003, and I have probably millions of his own words about his life, his mental health, fandom, and a host of other topics, dating back to 1998. All he knows of me is what little he sees on this blog. 

Nice try, Andy, but I neither need nor want your sympathy. Nor do I accept any measure of blame for what happened last week. You did it to yourself.

[charred-ground]

Part 2

Since we cannot post the scheduled fic as explained in Part 1 through out the day @sometimesafangirl and I will be posting post-Season 6 script like snippet fanfic. We wanted to do something for the fandom to show we support this ship like all the other amazing fanarts, stories, and essays that have come out. So here is the first little bit (we’ve been working through one drive while we do our respective life stuff)

Season 6 Spoilers and Very likely NSFW (we’re posting this pretty much live so we have no idea where it’s going)

Part 1

Under the cut Part 2/??

Lance: (sighs and bows his head) I was trying to hold it together. (some tears actually slide down his cheeks and drip off his chin) I need to hold it together.

Keith: (looking around) No one else is here. (sitting on the grass by Yorak)

Lance: I know. (head still bowed) No one’s ever here.

Keith: Looks like I am. And Yorak. (Yorak places head on Keith’s leg)

Lance: Now, yeah. (sighs and sits on the ground, fingers sliding over the flat part of the sword blade, and he still won’t look up) There’s too much.

Keith: Well, the way I see it we have time. Pidge, Coran, and Hunk are looking over the ships to see what can be salvaged. My mother took Allura around the village. Romelle is with Shiro. Right now we’re stuck. So, you better get started.

Lance: (silent for a moment before he lets out a long exasperated sigh) I think I died, or almost died. Something. Allura brought me back, but since then… (shaking his head)

Keith: (wide eyes then lowers his head) Since then?

Lance: Since before then, really, nothing’s been okay.

Keith: (petting Yorak’s head absently) That’s a broad statement. Look Lance, I don’t know what went on while I was gone. I do know you helped hold everything together. The team told me what you’ve done and when I see you fly Red…(smiles fondly) you’ve gotten to be a pretty good pilot. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here but you need to be straight forward with me. If there’s something you want to say, say it.

Lance: (gritting his teeth a little) I haven’t done anything. I can’t do anything.

Keith: (clicks his tongue) Is that how you see it? (Yorak looks up at him. Keith nods his head and Yorak gets up with a stretch and a yawn before he trots off into the woods with a bamf) Do you want to know what I see?

Lance: What is there to see? (looks at him) I couldn’t help Shiro even though he tried to reach out to me. I couldn’t stop anything from happening. I couldn’t fight. I couldn’t even survive properly and I had to be saved.

Keith: We all have to be saved at some point. I don’t think that makes us weak. Makes us human. Or galra. Or Altean. Or whatever… the point is… You did fight. You fought hard. You saved people. You may not see it but the others do. Allura does.

Lance: (Snorts) You don’t know that. (looking down again) Keith, you don’t need to try to make me feel better. You’ve got your own stuff going on. You got your mom back, and Shiro back. You should focus on the stuff that matters.

Keith: I am. (coughs and blushing faintly)

Lance: (lifts his head and stares at him) Keith?

Keith: What? (looking away from him, hair hiding his face)

Lance: You’re blushing. It’s cute.

Keith: (hair bristles a little) Cute? Cute? (turns around and he’s got pink cheeks) I spent two years on the back of a whale like a rogue fairy tale. Fought space spiders, crab things, time demon whatever, and came back with a space wolf (voice cracks a little) and you say I’m cute!? I lived… in…a… cave. I was a cave man! That’s not cute.

Lance: So you went through some trouble, found a parent, got an awesome animal sidekick, and you think you’re a cave man? Sounds more like a fairy tale princess to me. (actually smiles a little) You’re cuter now that you’re blushing more.

Keith: So now I’m a pretty little princess? I am NOT a princess. (blinks and stops himself) I mean not like they’re bad or anything and they’re strong… (turns his eyes up to side honestly thinking) real princesses are kind of badass… You have a cow. What does that make you? (one arched up brow)

Lance: Nothing. (slight shrug and he looks back down at his sword, sliding his fingers over the blade again)

Keith: (leans in tilting his head and ducking down so he can see his face) You’ve held everyone together Lance. You do a lot for them that no one else can. You make them laugh. Working with the Blades… I went through a lot. I saw a lot. Two years away from everything taught me even more, but I missed you guys. I missed all of you. I never knew how much until the first time you made the whole team laugh again. After all the horrible things that happened. Being out here, fighting nightmares, never knowing what’s going to happen… (reaches his hand out to set it on Lance’s knee) You made us a home. You… gave me something I hadn’t had in a long time.  (very gently flicks the corner of Lance’s mouth) Don’t lose that. We depend on it.

Lance: (brows furrow, but his eyes move from his sword to the hand on his knee) What could I possibly have given you that you haven’t had in a while. A headache? A reason to be annoyed? (sighs) You’re giving me a lot more credit than I deserve. No one depends on anything I do. I’m not smart. I’m not a good fighter. I’m not charming. Or a prince. Or anything cool. I don’t have any practical skills. I’m just a boy from Cuba. All I have is a grumpy cow and a sword I can’t use properly.

Keith: You don’t even realize you have it because it’s natural for you. I would have died for the ability to talk to people the way you do. To gather people around me just make friends and to have people trust me instead of a judge every thing I do. Lance. You genuinely care about people. Sure, you’re loud. Obnoxious. A pain in the ass. But those aren’t always bad things. People like you. People look to you for support and comfort. People need someone like you around. But.. I guess… it tends to be taken for granted until it’s not there anymore. I’m guilty of it too.  

[loxxxlay]

The Little Things, KuroFai fic

Day 31 – What Comes Next?

Fai realizes that Kurogane has never spoken about his past.

(Also on Ao3)

Note: I wrote a post-series fic for this day because I feel like the big answer to this prompt is always going to be fan-made stuff - fanart, edits, and fic. :) And I will say that the fandom for TRC is absolutely amazing. I love you guys. ^_^ I hope you enjoy!

...

It’s not always easy. It’s not always fine.

Some days Fai will smile, and some days he’ll force the ends of his lips upward out of habit. Some days he’ll cook all three meals, and some days he’ll lie in bed for hours and refuse to move until Kurogane comes into the room with a tray of food and a promise that he won’t eat until Fai does.

Most of the time, Fai’s okay. But sometimes, a small detail—maybe a mother walking with her two children, or a gift that he doesn’t believe he deserves, or an argument—will tip him over the edge again, and he’ll have to scrape his way out again.

But it’s better. Because there’s hands (his family’s hands) to help him out, to support him. Even when they saw him at his worst, they didn’t leave, so Fai knows that he’s not alone.

And as he heals, breath by breath, beat by beat, it feels as though he’s truly coming alive. He starts to wonder.

He wonders while he watches Kurogane go through his exercises in the morning before dawn. He wonders in the quiet conversations they have together, when Syaoran and Mokona dally outside of hearing range. He wonders when he lies in Kurogane’s arms at night and listens to the crickets chirp until he falls asleep.

Why does Kurogane—the man who knows and loves all that Fai is—not share the demons of his own past?

At first, Fai brushes the thoughts aside. It’s unfair to expect Kurogane to disclose the pain of his past, when Fai never has himself—at least, not without Ashura’s influence. But overtime, the silences between Kurogane and Fai lengthen to discomfort, and Fai can’t go even a day without wondering.

They speak of Fai’s past often. When Fai dreams of his brother and wakes to fresh grief. When Fai falls into flashback and Kurogane nurses him back to reality. They spend hours going through Fai’s memories, establishing what was real, what was okay, and what was not okay, until Fai can breathe again.

But when Kurogane grieves for his own past, he doesn’t speak of it.

It wouldn’t matter—but if most of the other important people in Kurogane’s life know, then what does it mean for Fai if Kurogane won’t tell him?

So Fai can’t forever brush aside the stray thoughts that plague his fragile self-worth, when he catches Syaoran and Kurogane spending time together. What do they say when I’m not around? Fai will see a small, innocuous thing and infer a warning: You are not good enough. You do not deserve them. You do not deserve him. You are alone.

He hates himself for thinking it.

...

“There’s a race tomorrow,” Kurogane announces one night over dinner. One night over dinner, Kurogane is fumbling with the device the Tomoyo of Piffle gave them to communicate with her—a device which was utterly useless until Syaoran managed to change the default language and install the app Piffle Translate. “The kid and I are planning to enter. You want to? I’m texting her now.”

Fai hums with thought. “No, I don’t think so,” he says. The adrenaline of competition doesn’t appeal much to him anymore, especially when no one he cares about is in danger. “Why don’t you join me in cheering for Syaoran-kun instead, Kuro-tan?”

Syaoran blushes beet red. “That’s not—”

Luckily, the boy is saved from his stuttering when Kurogane raises an eyebrow at them without looking away from the device in his hand. “We’d have a better chance at the prize if more of us enter.”

“Yes, but this is Syaoran-kun’s first race in person. You don’t want to steal the spotlight from him, do you?”

“No spotlight for Kuro-papa!” Mokona sings in agreement.

Somehow Syaoran blushes even deeper. “I really don’t mind,” he blurts. “The cash prize is definitely more important than the chance that I’d lose—and if Kurogane-san can win—”

“Oh shush, Syaoran-kun, don’t be so modest,” Fai says. For some reason, his hands are shaking, but he stuffs them under the table and attributes it to the excess of caffeine he’s had today. “Besides, Kuro-chan owes me a date anyway. We can spend it watching the race.”

Kurogane frowns in thought. “Actually if the kid’s competing on his own, I might visit the Tomoyo-hime of this world. We haven’t been here or Nihon in a while. I’d like to see how she’s doing and whether she’s had any dreams.”

Normally, Fai might tease Kurogane, who is never very open about these things. But his hands shake even harder when he tries to think of the words. Instead, he dons an over-dramatic pout. “But we haven’t had a date in forever,” he whines at Kurogane.

“Forever!” Mokona agrees readily. “The last Mokona saw was a week ago!”

Kurogane still hasn’t looked up from the phone. “And you wonder why,” he teases with an affectionate smirk.

Because he doesn’t know Fai is serious.

Which is fair because Fai didn’t know he was serious either until just now.

He’s suddenly toeing the line between fake tears and real ones, and he struggles with an abrupt waver in his voice. “Aww, that’s rude, Kuro-puu. I almost think you don’t love me anymore,” he tries to return-tease.

It doesn’t come out right.

He can tell because Mokona’s long ears droop and Syaoran’s eyebrows furrow. Kurogane’s gaze snaps from the phone to him in an instant. And with all pairs of eyes focused on him, Fai feels like crawling into a pit and staying there for an eternity.

Overwhelmed, Fai does what he’s best at. He pretends he doesn’t notice.

He smiles as wide as he can. “I’d better get these,” he says brightly and gathers the empty dishes on the table—ignoring the fact that his own dinner remains mostly uneaten because he always eats the slowest. And once he makes it to the solitude of the kitchen, he lets his smile fade.

The spray of water and the clatter of porcelain isn’t enough to drown out the strange sorrow in his heart. Sorrow that is inexplicable. He wonders wildly what is wrong with him, why he can’t just be happy, while he works mindlessly.

It doesn’t take long for Kurogane to join him, and he’s smart about it because he comes alone and he doesn’t immediately ask a hundred questions.

Instead, Kurogane dries the dishes after Fai washes and rinses them. They move in tandem with each other perfectly without words, and Fai is grateful because he thinks he might cry if he speaks now. A rawness tingles in his throat, begging for release, and he doesn’t know why.

When the last plate is put away, Fai turns to Kurogane for the inevitable conversation. There’s been enough time to compose himself. No running now. “Are Syaoran-kun and Mokona . . .”

“In bed,” Kurogane says. “I told him he needs a good night’s sleep for the race.”

The phone in Kurogane’s hand is blinking with a notification—probably an answering text from the Tomoyo of Piffle.

Fai hesitates. He doesn’t know why, but the mere thought of Kurogane and Syaoran competing together in the race—without him—has his hands trembling and his eyes welling up with fresh tears and it’s completely ridiculous. “You can—” He swallows. “You can compete tomorrow if you want to. I’m sure Syaoran-kun wouldn’t mind, and I know it was unfair to force you out of it like that.”

“No, you were right,” Kurogane says, shrugging. “It’s not that big of a deal.” His eyes linger on Fai, as if seeing straight through him.

Fai gulps, guilt-ridden. “And Tomoyo-chan,” he breathes. “There’s plenty of time for us, but time with her is limited. You should see her.” He bites his tongue to suppress a shudder—because the thought of Kurogane and Tomoyo alone together oddly upsets him as well.

Kurogane nods in acknowledgment. But there’s a deep frown on his face that shows nothing of what he’s thinking, other than that he is thinking.

(Of what, Fai panics, of what?)

“Are you worried that I have feelings for her?” Kurogane finally asks.

At this, Fai laughs, but the sound quickly becomes uncontrolled so he cuts himself off. “No, of course not,” he says, breathless. He knows very well that even if Tomoyo were interested in men, Kurogane and her have a different kind of dynamic.

But then, he wonders. Does she know? Does she know what the other Tomoyo knows about Kurogane’s past? Does she know, like Syaoran knows? A twinge of jealousy rushes through him, and he can’t beat it down like he normally does.

“I’m just,” Fai starts and then must stop to clear his throat. “I’m struggling lately, and it would help if I could spend some time with you. We’ve just been so busy lately, and I understand that it happens and that it’s not your fault, but I miss being with you all the same.”

Kurogane’s eyes narrow with worry. He reaches out and grasps Fai’s elbow, steady but gentle. “After the race, I’ll go see her. Before that, we can spend the whole day together doing whatever you want.”

“Oh!” Fai gasps, blinking away tears. “Including that circus tomorrow morning?”

“Including the circus,” Kurogane says, without even a sigh. It proves he’s being sincere.

Fai feels his face brighten with gratitude. “Ahhh, Kuro-puppy is really the best,” he sings as he throws his arms around Kurogane’s waist and presses his smile into Kurogane’s chest.

“I’m not a dog,” Kurogane grumbles but otherwise he doesn’t complain. He wraps his arms around Fai and squeezes him tight.

The next day goes as well as Fai had hoped. His momentary panic dissipates throughout the morning and afternoon spent alone at Kurogane’s side. His fear eases when they hold hands, nibble on cotton candy, sit in the stands for the race later, and cheer for Syaoran, who easily wins. And Fai can ignore the kernel of pain when he watches Kurogane meet with Tomoyo because Kurogane has just spent the day indulging his every desire—it’s the least Fai can do in return.

For a moment, Fai begins to think things are okay again.

Which inevitably leads to them getting worse.

In Edonis Country, the game world of Outo has been rebuilt, and the group plays once more, mostly to be with their comrades of this world.

It’s all very nostalgic.  Kurogane and Syaoran sign up as a team of hunters. And Fai restarts his cafe. It’s just like before—only Syaoran isn’t as much of a student of Kurogane’s anymore, and Sakura isn’t there.

At first, Fai mistakenly attributes everything to her. Sakura.

He uses her absence to explain the inexplicable heartache he feels when the other two leave to hunt demons. He uses it when he runs the cafe in their absence and can’t otherwise understand the emptiness he feels spreading inside of himself, the loneliness—even though Mokona is always nearby. He says it to Kurogane when Kurogane comes home early and catches him crying in their room.

“I miss her,” he chokes into Kurogane’s shoulder, and he really believes that’s why.

And Kurogane holds him close and strokes his hair and says that he misses her too. He has no reason to suspect any differently because Fai sincerely believes he’s telling the truth.

And it is the truth, he does miss her dearly. But it doesn’t explain everything.

It doesn’t explain why he delegates tasks to both Syaoran and Kurogane during the day to deliberately keep them apart. It doesn’t explain why some evenings he whines and pouts and drags at Kurogane’s arm, pleading for him to stay, whilst insisting that Syaoran can handle himself.

It certainly doesn’t explain why he snaps at Syaoran one morning, when all the boy did was ask if he was okay.

“I’m sorry,” he says to Syaoran immediately after, but even if Syaoran swears that it’s fine, it doesn’t lessen any of his guilt.

Eventually Kurogane confronts him.

“I spent the entire day with you at the market, so stop trying to make me feel bad about this,” he says, stern lines across his brow. Gravity permeates his voice—he’s not kidding. ”I’m going with the kid. That’s final.”

Fai pouts. “But Kuro-chan—”

“No,” Kurogane says. His voice hasn’t risen, but it’s still fierce and would be terrifying if Fai didn’t know him. “I’m not letting the kid hunt demons alone. Ever. And I am done arguing with you about it every single night. Accept it, right now, or we’re going to have a problem.”

From beside them, Syaoran, who holds the oddly quiet Mokona, perks up. “Kurogane-san, I’ll really be fine, it’s just a game anyway—”

“Don’t,” Kurogane warns without looking away from Fai. In the silence, he waits and waits until Fai finally releases his sleeve. Then he reaches for his sword at the door and fixes the scabbard to his belt.

Silent, Fai watches with a gnawing helplessness churning in his gut. Kurogane has never yelled at him quite like this, and Fai is dying inside without knowing whether they’re okay—but he doesn’t dare ask. Instead, he goes to the counter across the room and grabs the two paper sacks he left sitting there.

When he comes back, Syaoran and Kurogane are already out the door on the porch. “Wait,” Fai says and winces when Kurogane gives him a fiery glare. “I just—it’s just dinner,” he murmurs and turns mid-step to hand both sacks to Syaoran instead. “In case you’re back late.”

Syaoran smiles at him—it’s awkward but it’s sincere, so Fai musters a smile in return.

“Good luck,” he says to Syaoran. He doesn’t look Kurogane in the eye and turns to head back inside.

Just as he gets one foot across the threshold, Kurogane plants his hand on Fai’s shoulder, and trembling, Fai lets himself be whirled around, his eyes fixed on the ground.

Kurogane stares at him for a long moment.

And Fai agonizes. He doesn’t love me anymore, he panics. He never loved me, he never did, and he’s going to say it’s over.

But Kurogane simply pulls him forward and briefly kisses his forehead. “Be safe until I get back,” he says and holds Fai’s chin, forcing Fai to meet his gaze. “Alright?”

Fai hears the unspoken words between them. He remembers Tokyo, the fatal pain in his eye and how Kurogane saved him. He remembers Celes, the resignation to his end and how Kurogane saved him again. It’s a reminder that Kurogane does love him. Fai exhales relief and forces a smile, because right now he’s too worn for tears.

“Alright,” he says softly and Kurogane lets him go.

And as the tense atmosphere fades, Mokona bounces from Syaoran to Fai and curls paws around Fai’s shoulders. “It’s alright, Fai. Mokona will keep mommy company while daddy’s gone,” Mokona announces.

Kurogane huffs an irritated breath, and Fai finally feels like laughing again. He pats Mokona and waves goodbye to the others.

But when he gets inside—he loses his relief. Even in Mokona’s company, he can’t keep himself together.

He can’t stop thinking about it. He can’t stop envying the close bond Kurogane and Syaoran must share, for both of them to know the intimate details of each other’s painful childhoods. He can’t stop imagining their conversations, how maybe Kurogane seeks comfort from Syaoran but not from him.

Fai remembers Kurogane’s kiss, to his forehead, and the words said to reassure him, and he can only think it was out of pity now. Because he’s finally realized how terrible he’s been. He has no right to Kurogane’s past, and still his feelings have been bleeding into how he treats Kurogane. How he treats Syaoran. And he has no right to treat either of them this way.

Mokona doesn’t leave his side for the entire evening, and it’s for the best. He doesn’t know what he would do were he alone.

…

The moon is high in the sky when Kurogane and Syaoran return, but it’s earlier than normal.

Fai knows it’s his fault that they’re back so soon, and he hates himself, more than he has in a long time. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t dare refuse when Kurogane asks to speak to him alone. He trudges after Kurogane to their room and closes the door behind them.

Kurogane cups his jaw with his good hand, his real one, and looks deep into his eyes.

It feels wrong. Fai can’t meet his gaze. He doesn’t deserve this affection. “I’m so sorry,” he blurts, before Kurogane can say a word. “I’ve been so horrible to you and Syaoran-kun, and if it means anything, I feel awful about it. I won’t do it again.”

“It’s okay,” Kurogane murmurs.

He steps closer, the scent of sweat and blood and ash from the fight is strong on his robes. Fai inhales deeply because it smells of home—but then he remembers. You don’t deserve this. He forces himself to back away, against the door. “It’s not okay.”

“We can talk about it later,” Kurogane says. “It’s more important to me to make sure you’re okay. You’ve been . . . struggling,” he says, borrowing Fai’s word, “for a while now, haven’t you? What’s going on?”

Fai bites his lip and fixes his gaze on the details of the wall behind Kurogane. He has been struggling. Every day, the thoughts drag him deeper. He’s drowning in his past because everyone knows it, and for the first time, he feels a seed of anger—at Ashura for exposing him like this, for making him hurt like this, even long after his death.

But it’s not fair to expect answers from a man who decided to love him before knowing all of Fai’s sins. He has no right to Kurogane’s past.

“I can’t,” Fai says and screws his eyes shut. “It’s not right. I can’t take and take from you like this, I just have to get over it.”

Kurogane tugs at his arm and nudges him towards the bed. Reluctant, Fai follows his lead. He sits on the edge and tucks his knees beneath his chin, curling his arms around his shins, and Kurogane sits beside him—so, so patient.

“What’s not right?” Kurogane asks.

Fai inhales sharply. He doesn’t want to cry. “It’s—” he starts and waits for his voice to steady. “It’s not right to want this from you.”

“Want what?”

Pressing his face into his knees, Fai simply shakes his head.

Kurogane sighs. He plants a large hand on Fai’s shoulder blades and massages the knots out of his neck. “Well,” Kurogane says. “I’ve already given you my blood. My arm. And a shit ton of work that you’re always too lazy to do yourself. I let you call me those stupid nicknames.”

He pauses, and Fai smiles despite himself. “You like the nicknames,” he murmurs.

Kurogane snorts, but he doesn’t argue the point. “You already know I’m not ditching the kid to hunt demons on his own, but other than that, it seems like I’m willing to give you a lot,” Kurogane says. “So let’s hear it.”

A heavy breath falls from Fai’s lungs. Kurogane is good at this—at getting Fai to say things he’s afraid to say. He should expect it by now, but it always comes as a surprise. He digs his fingers into his palms. Hesitates. Then, “I want to know what you know about me. I want to know your past . . . your childhood . . . how Fei Wang Reed hurt you . . .”

Kurogane drops his arm from Fai’s shoulders, and Fai’s heartbeat flutters in the silence that follows. He doesn’t dare shift to see Kurogane’s expression. Instead, he forcibly unclenches his hands and caresses the smooth, silky fabric in his fingertips, desperate to calm his anxiety.

When Kurogane speaks, his voice is toneless. “The kid didn’t find out about it by choice, you know,” he says. “Other than in Tokyo, he hasn’t brought it up with me. Ever.”

Fai winces.

“And Tomoyo-hime,” Kurogane says. “She knows because she’s the one who found me. I don’t know about the one on Piffle because we don’t talk about it either.”

Fai winces again because he didn’t expect Kurogane to remember what happened on Piffle. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Another silence, and Fai can’t bear it. He finally lowers his legs from his face to see Kurogane in full—Kurogane, whose expression is opaque and unreadable, whose narrowed eyes watch him closely, missing nothing.

Fai wants to lean forward and find solace in Kurogane’s arms. He doesn’t know if he’s allowed. “I’m wrong to want this,” Fai says softly. “I know I’m wrong. And even if you told me now, it wouldn’t matter—because I already asked. So please, can we just go to sleep? Maybe things will be better in the morning.”

They won’t be, Fai can guess. But he says it anyway.

Kurogane opens his arms, and a thick rush of relief passes through Fai as he’s able to bury his face in Kurogane’s chest. Kurogane pulls him and arranges them both until they’re under the covers and he’s crushing Fai in his grip.

Fai closes his eyes and inhales Kurogane’s scent.

“You can’t help wanting some things,” Kurogane says, his breath rushing through Fai’s hair. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Fai shudders with relief and clings closer. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

…

After that night, Fai manages to stop thinking about it so much.

Something about voicing his thoughts has diminished the pain in his heart. Sometimes it flickers to life again and burns, but it’s tolerable now. He can watch Kurogane spend time with Syaoran and smile at how doting Kurogane is and how eager Syaoran is to prove himself.

He doesn’t think the terrible thoughts anymore. He truly doesn’t need to know Kurogane’s past to love him.

And many nights later, it happens.

He’s snuggled in Kurogane’s arms, halfway to sleep, and Kurogane speaks, his voice quiet and smooth.

“My father was Lord of Suwa,” he says. “Mother was the shrine’s priestess. She got sick a lot. Was frail and thin. But she never let it get in the way of her duty.”

Fai struggles to act normally—to not hold his breath, to not speak, to not cry—because he’s terrified of ruining the moment. Even so, he’s struck by a wave of affection for Kurogane—an affection so strong that he wants to sing with joy. Instead, he holds perfectly still as Kurogane recounts his tale.

“When I was about the kid’s age, there was a demon attack. Father came back from it injured, and . . . he wouldn’t listen to me. He wanted to go back out. Without even telling mom.” Kurogane huffs a nostalgic laugh, so soft and so brief that Fai almost misses it. “Mom caught him, of course. She would never let him leave without casting her protections on him.”

Hearing the pause in Kurogane’s voice, Fai can’t help but lift his head and look at Kurogane’s face. Kurogane doesn’t notice because he’s staring at the ceiling, eyes lost in memory—and there’s a strain in his jaw, his neck bobs as he swallows, but he’s steady, breathing normally. He’s okay.

Still, there’s silence. For a long time.

And for a while, Fai lets it be. If this is it, this is it. He can guess the ending.

But then Kurogane looks at him, as if checking to see if he has Fai’s attention, and Fai realizes without any words shared between them that Kurogane wants him to ask. He wants Fai to be curious.

So Fai swallows nervously and asks, “What happened to them?”

Kurogane’s eyes glint in the moonlight as he considers the question. “My mother prayed in the shrine room to strengthen the border walls, and I guarded her outside. Didn’t matter.” He blinks, languid with the memory. “Fei Wang Reed made a portal. I heard him stab her, and she died in my arms.”

Fai weaves his fingers into Kurogane’s hand, giving him a comforting squeeze. “And your father?”

“The demons he was supposed to fight broke through the walls,” Kurogane says, voice deliberately indifferent. “Only thing left of him was his arm.”

The scene comes to Fai’s mind easily. A young boy, his mother dead in his arms, and demons erupting his home into chaos all around him—the same demons to have killed his father. Fai feels tears come to his eyes at the thought of Kurogane, alone and young and having just lost everything.

He pushes himself up so that his face is even with Kurogane’s, and he stares into Kurogane’s eyes. “How did you survive?” Fai asks after the silence has lasted long enough.

“I don’t know,” Kurogane says. His eyes turn away. “I don’t remember much after that.”

With his free hand, Fai smooths a lock of hair away from Kurogane’s face. When Kurogane’s eyes flicker back to him, Fai lets the compassion and empathy he feels in his heart show on his face. I love you, Fai says with his gaze.

And Kurogane smiles at him in return, sad but loving. Eventually he finishes the story. “Tomoyo-hime found me surrounded by wreckage a few days later. Stuck in a rage. She broke me out of it. Helped me put my parents to rest.”

Fai nods and rests his head in the crook of Kurogane’s shoulder.

With the story over, the silence between them becomes comfortable, and Fai loses himself to numbed thought about the events Kurogane described to him. Even cherished by his family and then Tomoyo later on, Kurogane has lost things—that has become achingly clear to Fai now in a way it hasn’t before.

Fai thinks of his own pain and how he copes—or tries to cope—with it. Sometimes, it feels like it plagues him every moment of every day, but sometimes it’s less present and more bearable. Curious, he shifts in Kurogane’s arms to look at him again. “Do you think about them a lot?”

Kurogane frowns in contemplation. “Used to. Still do, but not like that,” he says. “I think about the good times more often than anything.”

Relaxing, Fai smiles. “The past is the past, right?”

“Right.”

And that’s it. Trusted with these memories, trusted boundlessly by Kurogane, Fai feels less like a parasite, less like he’s drowning in his own past, less like Kurogane’s trying to help him and being dragged in himself. Instead, he feels equal to Kurogane for the first time.

It fills him with hope. If something so terrible, so undeserving, could happen to Kurogane, then—maybe it wasn’t right what happened to Fai either. And maybe—if Kurogane can move forward—maybe Fai can move forward too.

Kurogane’s hand, tucked in Fai’s, grips tighter, with comfort.

It’s a question, even though he hasn’t said anything. Fai smiles shyly and squeezes Kurogane’s hand in return. Thank you. Kurogane didn’t need to tell him—but he did, and Fai is overwhelmed with affection.

He struggles to find his words. “If something comes up—and you ever want to talk about it, more or again,” he says quietly, “you can. I don’t expect you to, of course. I just mean, I’m here for you . . . like you are for me.”

When Fai looks, Kurogane is smiling, his features softening as they rarely do. “I know. I wouldn’t have told you otherwise.”

Heart fluttering, Fai blushes deep. And they kiss. Gently. Timelessly. Fai doesn’t know who started it, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s here, he’s loved, and he’s not alone. They fall asleep soon after, pressed against the comfort of each other’s bodies, and content smiles brightening their faces.

...

It’s still not always easy. It’s still not always fine.

Some days Fai can’t smile convincingly and some days he can’t get out of bed. But most days he can. And some days, on very special days, Kurogane will say something rare.

That he knows how to catch fish because he used to go fishing for his mother. Or that his father used to kiss his mother’s hair to tease him because Kurogane once complained that kissing on the lips was gross. Or how at barely eight years old Kurogane used to climb trees to the very top unless his mother caught him at it.

Each confession shoots warmth through Fai’s heart and often has him smiling for the rest of the day.

It’s not always easy, but with time, Fai learns that it’s the small moments like these—when they can truly surpass their barriers and see each other for who they truly are—that make everything worth it.3