#because through that hardship one can find even more fulfilling happiness

[just-a-ghost00]

Are you on the right path?

Group 1

Song : Meltdown - Motionless in White, Lost At Sea - B.I ft Bipolar Sunshine & Afgan Cards : Knight of wands, Emperor, queen of pentacles, Empress, knight of cups, 7 of cups

Not only are you on the right path but you're also on the verge of manifesting your divine counterpart. With a bunch of other lovely souls that will likely confuse you. Because all of them are possibly soulmates. Group 1, are you a candle? Because you shine so bright a lot of people are gathering around you and celebrating you. Some might even want to blow that candle of yours (pun intended). The future seems pretty positive for you so far. Expect several romantic offers, a lot of flirting and a lot of fun, mixed with a pinch of confusion. It feels like even though you reject some offers, these souls will stay in your lane because yall are a team. A soul fam. A pack of hungry wolves that strive for success. Look at you! All sexy and pampered, ready to secure the bag and be the next big thing. Dear Lord, you are gorgeous! The Universe is clapping for you and so is good old Wade. What more can you ask for? You'll be stepping into your power, getting them opportunities and living your best life. Yall have been doing the work and it's paying off big time. In terms of potential zodiac signs to look out for, we have Aries, Sagittarius, Taurus, Cancer and Pisces. Possibly Scorpio and Leo as well. You'll be attracting men and women identifying individuals alike, even non binary people. Every one seems to be drunk in love with you. I feel like you're the Empress in this spread. And then you have two knights, one queen and one emperor circling around you like sharks. And this isn't necessarily a bad thing. The Emperor person is your divine counterpart. Now, choosing them isn't mandatory. I feel like there is no wrong answer in this situation. Whomever you choose to be with is the one for you. Fate is in your hands.

Letters/possible significant signs : M, B, E, K, camels, horses, koi fish, stars

Group 2

Songs : Nakigahara - The GazettE, Awake and Alive - Skillet Cards : 10 of cups, the world, 5 of wands, 4 of wands, 7 of cups, black numen rx

Though you may face hardships coming from your community or the environment you're in, feel confused at the amount of fork in the roads you're presented with, you are heading in the right direction. And the outcome of your journey is a positive one. You may be travelling or relocating soon, finding a new home. This is a new begenning for you. You're getting out of a dark night of the soul. I was about to write "dark knight" instead. There could be Batman fans in this group. If we take the Batman metaphor, Bruce Wayne has been through a lot. Many times, he was faced with hardships and doubted his purpose. He doubted the good in him as he was flirting with the shadows of humanity, dealing with the worst in people. Yet, he never stopped moving forward. He kept fighting, he kept hoping for a better future for humanity. And eventually he'd find something positive to hold on to. Well, same goes for you. Because there are obstacles on your way and people that don't see eye to eye with you doesn't mean that you should stop believing in and fighting for your ideals and dreams. Which you will be doing in the future without a doubt. Expect more happiness, fulfillment in most areas of your life. Expect a healthier and more supportive community, a lot of interesting opportunities. You're taking your destiny in charge and deciding to work towards your goals no matter the opinion have of you. This time, you are choosing yourself over others. That's the spirit group 2! Hit the bull's eye! You can be proud of yourself.

Letters/possible significant signs : koi fish, dogs, roses, A, W, N

Group 3

Songs : Break me The GazettE, path of the wind aekasora, The Beginning One OK Rock

Cards : knight of swords, 10 of pentacles, king of cups, wheel of fortune, page of pentacles, hanged man

You may have had a rough time lately group 3 and were in a phase where your reality didn’t match your expectations and hopes nor did it align with the amount of effort you put into manifesting your desired reality. You may have felt desperate, depressed, frustrated. But let me be the bringer of good news : that vicious cycle is ending. A new wind is blowing in your direction. One that will make you soar high and above that dark cloud you were stuck in. You’re going to see the bigger picture and you will thank yourself for holding on all these years. Your career and studies are going to take a major positive turn. Luck is in your favor. Yes, you are on the right path. You always were. You just didn’t see it because you were in the maze. But you’ll gain a new perspective soon with that hanged man energy. I feel like you’ll be taking a completely different approach to your life in general. If you were considering completely changing your work methods or habits, that is definitely your sign this is the right thing to do. If you were the kind to follow others and hang to tradition as a safety measure, now you’ll be taking the lead and innovating. If you were the kind to wait for others to notice you and ask about you, now you’ll be the one reaching out and asking about people. And vice versa. You may be learning new skills that will benefit you financially. You may get help from an Earth and/or a Water sign. If you are a Virgo or a fixed sign (Leo, Taurus, Aquarius, Scorpio) then this is your confirmation this reading is for you. You are encourage to keep going in the direction you’re heading and be resilient. You are doing a good job group 3. There may be a connection solidifying in the 3D over time. That grounding of the connection will however happen slowly. It may take a lot of time before it comes to fruition. You may at some point enter a stagnating energy and feel like nothing is moving. Do not be scared when that happens. This is only temporary.

Letters and significant signs : spiders, eyes, squirrels, B, O, K, P, W

[disaster-priestress-sumire]

The way Haydée and Mercédès are paralleled, and contrasted, in The Count of Monte-Cristo is so obvious.

Contrasts

Haydée represents light (it's in her very name), hope and faithfulness. Mercédès represents the past and betrayal.

At first, Mercédès refuses the vengeance and its motives. She asks the Count's forgiveness and, when it doesn't work, asks for her son to be spared because he's innocent. Haydée has her very own vengeance to fulfil.

Monte Cristo and the narrator both describe Haydée as young, while Mercédès keeps describing herself as old.

Facing hardships

Haydée bears the trials of life with dignity, even when she reports what she went through (she does express emotions, but she forces herself to explain how things happen), while Mercédès uses pathos and rarely acknowledge other people's trauma.

Past and future

For Haydée, no matters how many things hurt her, the past is something to review, to enjoy. It is also a bridge toward the future, a way to pass the time.

"I shall rejoice in the prospect of your coming, and in the evening dwell with delight on the happiness I have enjoyed in your presence; then too, when alone, I can call forth mighty pictures of the past, see vast horizons bounded only by the towering mountains of Pindus and Olympus. Oh, believe me, that when three great passions, such as sorrow, love, and gratitude fill the heart, ennui can find no place."

– Chapter 49: Haydée

For Mercédès, the past is a regret never leaving her. It's the ghost of the person she loved haunting her life, having all the reasons to hate her and her family. It's a trap in which she ultimately locks herself in, because it's the only happiness she thinks she can have.

"The bitter cup of adversity has been drained by me to the very dregs, and I feel that the grave is not far distant. You have acted kindly, count, in bringing me back to the place where I have enjoyed so much bliss. I ought to meet death on the same spot where happiness was once all my own."

– Chapter 112: The Departure

The end of the book pictures those two visions. Haydée sails with Monte Cristo toward their future (what can represent more possibilities than the open sea?) while Mercédès stays in the old house of the Dantès, surrounded by memories, waiting for her death.

Heaven, Earth and Hell

Several women are compared to angels in the book, but Haydée is the only one Monte Cristo calls that way. She's also described as a goddess. He describes himself as an angel of vengeance (so does the narrator) while the Morrels call him their guardian angel. Mercédès is on the opposite side of the spectrum. She's implied to be paralleled to the God of the Underworld, since she tries to feed Monte Cristo pomegranates (chapter 70). She doesn't belong in the heavenly sphere—she states so herself:

"I once possessed piety, innocence, and love, the three ingredients of the happiness of angels, and now what am I? (…) Like the gulf between me and the past, there is an abyss between you, Edmond, and the rest of mankind."

– Chapter 112: The Departure

(Edmond Dantès is also bound to Hell obviously... but only Edmond Dantès, who had to cross it, who died in it, to become the Count of Monte-Cristo. The narrator stops calling him Edmond Dantès after he escapes the Château d'If and sees his old home empty.)

Free will

Haydée takes up the reins of her life when she wants to, she holds herself accountable for her decisions and is ready to face the consequences.

"Although a Christian, may God forgive me, I have always sought to revenge my illustrious father. (…) [The count] is quite unaware of them, and I have but one fear, which is that he should disapprove of what I have done. But it is a glorious day for me."

– Chapter 86: The Trial

On the other hand, Mercédès does not want to. She pictures herself as a victim of the situation.

"Alas!" exclaimed Mercédès, "if it were so, if I possessed free will, but without the power to render that will efficacious, it would drive me to despair."

– Chapter 112: The Departure

Love and Death

Maybe the most important point of all (the one that matters the most to Monte Cristo).

Haydée states several times in the course of the book she'd die without Monte Cristo. Those aren't mere words: they are a fact. While the death vow token by Mercédès in Chapter 3 is empty ("If he is dead, I shall die too.") and she ends up regretting it ("I believed you dead; why did I survive you?" – Chapter 112).

[cooki3face]

spirit baby reading 🍼

🍼~ significant colors: yellow, red, purple, blue, orange, white

🍼~ angel numbers: 7,3,44,666,789,798,300,444,4451

pile two:

Someone could be really burnt out and exhausted at the moment as well. There’s a message here for you about how you’re not alone despite how you feel. Some of you could’ve lost a lot of people lately or have been through massive shifts in your life and are grasping at straws just for some support or so you can feel you have friends, like you have people who want to be around you, etc. I see spirit as well spirit babies apart of your soul family telling you that you’re not alone and they’re right there with you even though you can’t see them. You may be stuck in this idea of what the physical 3D world looks like for you and the physical 3D is not everything. It is not the extent of what you have just because everything else isn’t physically tangible.

Some of you could be manifesting something here as well. Some type of opportunity or some type of abundance and fulfillment to come your way. I see you learning and growing here as well. I know I said that you could’ve lost a lot of people but for some of you, there’s an energy here of you cutting a lot of people off. There’s something that you want that you’re hoping to have, something that heavily depends on what someone else decides i see. This manifestation could have everything to do with a person I’m seeing. You’ve undergone so much growth and have made so many breakthroughs thus far and I see a spirit baby here being really proud of you, your how entire spirit team is proud of you and excited for what you’re about to receive. You could’ve gone through a lot and experienced a lot of loss and disappointment and pain within your life and nobody is more deserving or worthy of the gifts and love and abundance you’re about to receive, if not you than who??

I think you really need to hear that believing your manifestations are coming in needs to begin with the fact that when we go through hard things we are entitled to compensation from the universe and that because the universe loves us and so do our spirit guides and ancestors they will give back tenfold what was taken from us in the process of us growing and healing and doing what we were meant to do within this lifetime. You’ve undergone so much growth and really learned how to love yourself and be who you needed to be and you will be blessed and heavily appreciated and rewarded for your hardship and your trials and tribulations here pile two. There’s a heavy masculine energy within this pile, you don’t have to be a guy but a good handful of you are men. You could’ve struggled with mental health issues in the past as well and I see this weight being lifted off of you so you can show up for yourself, for others, and accomplish what needs to be done within your life. You’ve been gifted, as a starter, freedom to take action and go after the things you desire. All other abundance and manifestations will follow you. You just watch. I promise.

I see you’ve been working really hard and being really productive and really putting the stepping stones in place for a new life. There’s something significant here about building a house here or building a foundation here. You could actually be building a house or moving soon or something lol but I do see someone building a foundation, a life, a future for themselves. There’s so much progression and self love here within this group. There’s a very peaceful neutral energy with an undertone of being very very close to completion and entering the next chapter of their lives and there is only one step left to take or one piece that’s missing. Whatever it is, embrace your masculine energy and go get it.

You’ve been set free, you’ve been blessed with a new beginning, an opportunity to find happiness, peace and abundance. All this because you were willing to turn inwards and do the inner work, all this because you made the decision to improve your life, to take the step to understand yourself and the world around you and even though this message is being written in the come energy it’s being given to me in. I am so excited. Spirit is so proud. The spirit baby is so ready to be apart of your life and be loved by you I see as well. They’re waiting for you to go get their mother or their father. There’s an energy of gentleness. Someone being gentle, someone being patient, someone showing you grace or giving you the gift of compassion and unconditional love and support. This is long term commitment energy. You’re stepping into your king energy, your emperor energy.

I see you healing and stepping out of heart break and becoming ready to step towards freedom and peace. Your life is a blank canvas and it’s time for you to pick up the pencil, the paint brush, etc. and make things happen as the divine masculine energy does. You’re releasing pain and you’re becoming record and making room for bigger blessings and greater joy. If you are a man, it is your job to bring life. You are the sun. Bring life into everything you do from this point forward. Bring life to your divine feminine, bring abundance and bring love and peace. And she will give you the rest, she will give you the world. Bring her the table, the house, the dog, the cat, the children, and everything the hell else you know she deserves and she will take care of all of those things for you and protect them with her life.

You are finally in alignment. You are right where you need to be. It’s time you make the choice to step forward and receive the fruits of your labor as well. You definitely could’ve released a lot of people or stepped out of the grasps of karmic energies this could be anything, people, addictions, etc. anything that weighed you down and dragged you down. I’m hearing you hit rock bottom already there’s now where to go but up. Release fears and self limiting ideas, stop thinking that what you really desire isn’t available, stop being afraid of that person or the life you’re building rejecting you and refusing to have you because that’s not real. It’s not a real possibility. It is the fear of the ego. It’s an illusion created to keep you stagnant. You have to go get it.

I see you so ready to move on, I see you moving on. You don’t identify or resonate with the person you used to be long ago, with the people of your past, the situations, the drama, the trauma, the addiction, etc. onward. Go get your wife (or your husband lol) go get your house, go get your happiness, go get your money. Some of you could be given a son soon. I see you having a magnificent connection with this child, with this person. Something that’s really connecting to me right now is how Sylvester Stallone in the rocky series said to his son that having his son is like being born all over again. He struggled growing up, he had a hard time and he had to fight to have the things that he achieved within his life time and he told his boy that he found pleasure in watching his son experience the fruits of his labor, being able to get an education, being able to rest, being able to have happiness gifted to him, being able to have a secure home, a mother, a father, etc. good place to end the reading. Good talk. Thanks for listening.

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pile three

pile one

[nynadhi]

One Day, We're Gonna Sit Down Together and Say "It Was Hard, But We Made It."

Life has a way of testing us, pushing us to our limits, and then some. There are moments when we feel overwhelmed by the weight of our struggles, questioning if we will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it's in these moments of doubt and hardship that our true strength is forged. One day, we'll look back on these times and say, "It was hard, but we made it."

“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” - Molière

Every journey is fraught with challenges. Whether it's pursuing a dream, nurturing a relationship, or simply making it through the day, the path is rarely smooth. We stumble, we fall, and sometimes, we even lose our way. But these experiences are what shape us, teaching us resilience and determination. They remind us that every setback is a setup for a comeback.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

During tough times, it's easy to focus on the difficulties and lose sight of our inner strength. We forget that within us lies an incredible reservoir of courage and perseverance. When we tap into this inner strength, we discover that we are capable of more than we ever imagined. Each obstacle becomes a stepping stone, each challenge an opportunity to grow.

“The best way out is always through.” - Robert Frost

There's no shortcut to success or happiness. We must navigate through the storms, face our fears, and push forward despite the odds. It's a journey of patience, grit, and unwavering faith. And when we finally reach the other side, we gain a profound sense of accomplishment and peace. We realize that the struggle was worth it because it led us to a place of greater understanding and fulfillment.

As we sit down together, reminiscing about the times when life tested our mettle, we'll share stories of perseverance and triumph. We'll laugh about the moments that once seemed insurmountable and celebrate the strength that carried us through. It will be a testament to our unyielding spirit and the bonds that held us together.

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” - C.S. Lewis

So, let's embrace the journey, with all its highs and lows. Let's find solace in knowing that every challenge we face today is a step closer to the moment when we can finally say, "It was hard, but we made it." And in that moment, we'll realize that it wasn't just about reaching the destination, but about the person we became along the way.

[kth1]

Sometimes relationships aren't worth it. Your mental health is more important than anything in this world and you deserve to love yourself more than anything. You should build yourself to find happiness and learn how to love yourself, relationships will only break what you've been working hard on. Give yourself the love that you would give to someone else that was too blind to appreciate you and your love. I know you can find that path. BTS showed me how to love myself and find happiness after terrible breakups I went through and I hope you find the same path too. 💜

my dear, i know you sent this on the 10th. i am so sorry but didn't really process your words until recently. i know i wanted to respond, but it was hard at first. i do agree, sometimes relationships aren't made to be. selfishly, we do have to think of ourselves in the mix of things as well. i want to say i'm wise enough to know my worth (being here on this planet for 30 years does help me gain some wisdom) but i know i will be forever learning! and that's ok. as a tmi, i've only been in a handful of real, effort based, relationships. i also don't go around (this day and age is SCARY) and just mess with people and emotions. so when i commit, i devote. when i devote, i see potential and willing to work with that person. this is me - not everyone. and i truly understand that, even if it hurts me.

in regard to my recent relationship, he and i broke up. i don't fear saying that to the tumblr world at all. we both have things we need to work on in our own perspectives, and frankly some things aren't fully accepted with another. it happens. not one person is the same as another, no matter how much compatibility you have. it's the willingness of wanting to work on yourself, work with that person, and grow together that matters. and sometimes it's not there. sadly, on my exes behalf, he has got to a point that feelings he once felt has diminished. multiple factors cause this, and its understandable. i can think, try to understand, and hypothesis as much as i can - but none of that would matter. because we can't fully control emotions and feelings. now, i own up to my problems. my patterns of things. i can apologize sincerely and say i will work on them, which i do, but working won't completely 180 something that i am. it takes time. and same for him. he wishes those feelings were there again, he wants them back but the harder he tries the more they push away. again, we can't force things to happen in an instant. (let's also mention that ever since these problems came to the surface, he felt like the relationship felt more like a job now instead of relaxing)

so in a safe way, we are saving another from a harder hardship if we stuck together and tried and tried. where he doesn't fully know where to begin. it is ok.

so i gave you a bit of taste of my current status, i could go on for hours but it won't mean anything in the end. it could be a funk he is in and just fears stuff, it fuels him to pull away. it's possible but i can't dwell on those thoughts. i know i deserve love, and currently he cannot fulfill that. no matter how much i also wish he could feel again. only time could tell.

but coming back around, because now i wrote SO much lmao -- i agree. it is very important to love yourself. know what you want and be surrounded by things you enjoy. even if it's not as "enjoyable" at first, it can still be things you like. for example, me and giffing or writing. i enjoy them, but i've been so preoccupied and down on myself that those feel like tasks to me. (reflecting to the above statement of how our relationship begun feeling like a job) i know i enjoy those things but they don't satisfy me much currently. and this is probably the type of feeling he feels. and it's okay. i do know, deep down, i love those things but sometimes my feelings toward it fluctuate.

i will make sure to take my days, appreciate who i have and what i have, and know there is still a future ahead for me. i know focusing on myself is better for myself, and i don't need anyone to fill that besides myself. i truly appreciate you reaching out and giving me such kind, thoughtful words. and i am so sorry for going on a tangent and typing so much. i made this very "me" based and i am very sorry. i do know one day i'll find another excitement and fuels me, maybe it will be bts again haha. but -- wrapping this up -- i thank you so much for being so kind and soft with me. you are amazing, and i hope you know that! please enjoy yourself and the things in your life! it was great to hear from you <3

[guarmommy]

alone, desire, and future for any oc(s) of your choice

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

Nalin🦚

Alone Nalin hates being alone. Loneliness is an anathema to them since they constantly crave social interaction and connection. They just cannot stand it. However, there were rare times when they were alone, and with a creative spark, they would do something to make people happy. That's how they got into crafting jewelry. Desire Happiness. Nalin knows sometimes life can be hard and tragedy can shatter one's life and wellbeing. They've been through hardships that drove them to the edge, even close to death's door. To Nalin, happiness is the most precious thing to have. Being beautiful makes them happy. Adoration from others makes them happy. Seeing people adorning precious gems they make brings a smile to their faces. Future Nalin has family and friends back in Alinor, and they miss them dearly. As much as Nalin wants to see them again, they have to keep up the facade of being a regular jeweler. They "disappeared", covering their tracks, to escape to Skyrim and start a new life. I think a possible worst-case future scenario for Nalin would be the Thalmor finding out and hunting them down

Marlyn🍰

Alone Being born and raised as a Telvanni, Marlyn is familiar with loneliness. One day, that solitude inspired her to do more and become more than a mad wizard cooped up in a mushroom tower like her strict mother. In her lonesome, Marlyn buried her nose in dusty books in her family's library, which aroused her curiosity about the outside world. After reading a book or two, she would get lost in daydreaming about a life different from hers. One of the books that piqued her interest the most was about baking, especially pastries. Desire Much like Nalin, she thrives for happiness. She left her old life to begin a new one. She didn't want to be a wizard, she wanted a life that would make her happy and she found it. She bakes delicious pastries for everyone to enjoy. Future In the worst-case scenario, Marlyn would end up being sought out and taken back to her mad mother. Her mother is a powerful wizard with connections, so hiring mercs is not out of the ordinary in the long list of things she'd do. Because of this, Marlyn tries her best to keep a low profile and avoid attracting attention. When she fled to Solitude, no one knew who she was, which gave her the upper advantage. And let's be honest, the average Skyrim citizen does not personally know a Telvanni wizard.

Zalyn🗻

Alone To combat loneliness, Zal interacts with Dunmer, and he prefers it that way. Social interactions in a slum full of his people give him a sense of normalcy and comfort. Otherwise, he would go completely mad. Desire Zalyn yearns to return to Morrowind, his ancestral home. He lost everything when Red Mountain erupted, but his heart belongs to Morrowind. He wants nothing more than to live the comfortable life he had before everything went to hell. While living in the slum in Windhelm, he's been saving up to hopefully one day leave. Future A horrible future outcome for Zal would be dying alone in the Gray Quarter, succumbing to his personal vices, via alcoholism. But he does take steps to avoid this outcome by having some self-preservation and self-control. He is aware that the conditions in the Gray Quarter aren't going to improve anytime soon. So Zal tries his best to, as mentioned earlier, save up enough coins to leave the squalor for good.

Agne🌼

Alone

Agne experienced loneliness on the day that Thalmor agents killed her family. After witnessing death and loss for the first time, she went from being a happy child to a terrified orphan fleeing for her life. As a result, she was forced to be in survival mode, wandering from place to place to find anyone kind enough to take her in. Unfortunately, every adult she came in contact with either ignored her or harshly shooed her away. Cold, alone, and on the beak of starvation, little Agne was rescued by a caravan of Dunmer refugees and soon after adopted by a couple amongst the refugees.

Desire

What Agne wants more than anything is for her found family to be proud of her. Living in Windhelm is tough but surviving while in poverty in the wintry city is tougher. She will do whatever she can, even to her detriment, to ensure that her family is well. They saved her life and she is forever grateful for their kindness. Because of this, she feels greatly indebted to them.

Future

Being a "flower girl", Agne learned to be aware of the potential dangers that come with it. That means attracting the attention of individuals with malicious intentions. Some clients have no qualms about hurting her, treating her like an object they can use and abuse. One of these clients is a Dunmer named Uulan. The worst-case scenario for Agne would be forcibly procured by him, to be his and only his. The best way she can avoid this outcome is to evade him as much as possible.

[pazodetrasalba]

Nec Otium

Dear Caroline:

I really should find the time for reading some more philosophy. I am afraid that I've had to be an autodidact in this area, which means I've mostly delved in history and Continental thinkers, but relatively little on ethics and the good life. One could say that it was your blog that opened my eyes a bit to these sorts of debates. I've already talked too much about my deontological instincts, but I think I'd find Virtue Ethics appealing in many ways -the part of 'becoming a better version of yourself-. I am giving utilitarianism more of my time and reflection, but it still feels distinctly alien and disagreeable to my mind, and here, besides my truth zealotism, I suspect there's also my Humanities background at play, my deeply ingrained dislike for pragmatic and chrematistic value, and my appreciation with things in and for themselves (including autonomous and self-realizing subjects).

I mention philosophy because in this post, despite what you say of EA not feeling all-consuming to you, here you come through as in full-blown, utilitarian mode with the optimization of your free time. Like, I understand that even when we are trying to have fun, we prioritize, and we can use different scales for this, like intensity of pleasure, or balance of usefulness and pleasure. In my case, it usually means reading and studying, and I feel 0 guilty conscience for any of them, even though I am split sometimes between books I think I should read and lighter, purely entertaining, fare.

Anyway, you did seem to be making too much of a work out of pleasure, and that probably did not contribute at really optimizing it, I'd fear. I remember reading somewhere in this ocean of words of yours that you were slightly masochistic, and perhaps there's an element of that at play here, some dark pleasure you might have gotten in denying yourself satisfactions and following some self-imposed dictates of duty and hardship.

The part were you talk about kids and your mum is interesting. A common complaint is that our society is too narcissistic and pleasure-seeking (one is surprised, for example, when reading the Roman and Greek classics at how indifferent their value-systems were towards happiness as such). Doing things for others (and more so for close others, which despite Peter Singer, are in a completely different class from indistinct others) feels like a net good for both you and them, and elevates you to a superior and better sphere of humankind. A true homo -and femina- sapiens. Still, I believe it necessary for there to be some intertwining of this with the fulfilling of your potential, goals and pleasures as an individual.

Quote:

The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

Pablo Picasso

[yuna-writes]

Concept of happiness

I always revisit this topic every year what happiness means anyway. It’s like the idea other people find happiness doesn’t seem to align with my values, but is the individual truly ‘happy’ or is it just chemicals in our body just reacting to create certain positive emotions? I think there are two ideas which is happiness and fulfillment. You can feel happy but not necessarily fulfilled in life. You can also achieve fulfillment but not truly be happy. For example, I would say a job gives me fulfillment in ways that it satisfies my living expenses and hobbies, but I would hardly say regular job makes me happy. Because it’s not a project I’m generally interested in or feel fascinated by. There are jobs out there that does give people happiness because they feel joy at the activity or project they working on, but it might not be fulfilling because it pays incredibly low and it’s stressful to their body and soul.

Happiness is such a touchy subject - what is it? No one really know what it means. We only have estimate on the idea of what makes us happy. Recently I thought about this concept on whether people should live a short life but lived a happy one versus someone living up to eighty years old and not know what happiness means. I think the problem with the ‘yolo (you live one life mentality)’ is that while I think the motive feels right, I also can see how it can form excuses to live incredibly unhealthy lifestyle. It’s true life is short, and we can die anytime from under any circumstances, so it might make one want to pleasure themselves if they can’t experience in the afterlife. On other hand, a person could live a long life. Statistically, most people will live up to their 70′s anyway, Therefore there are limitations involved to maintain good health to live a long life. 

Because you know, if one goes with yolo mindset and become unhealthy and die from those health complication than...yeah it’s not a fun way to go. It might seem fun and exciting to do anything one desire in the present, but wouldn’t it be the best mindset to try live a long and healthy life? Even if a long life wasn’t fundamentally ‘happy.’ I don’t believe someone is happy all the time...because life isn’t perfect. There’s going to be periods of sadness and mourning so I highly doubt someone who claims they are happy always feel positive emotions forever. It seems like an idealistic expectation to achieve anyway. Everyone wants to be happy, but they become unhappier trying to pursue it. Instead it would be a better idea to accept maybe it doesn’t exist concretely. Our feelings are fleeting in nature. We feel happy one moment, sad, and angry or anxious the next. Making sense of it seems kind of pointless. 

I suppose there’s some flaws into this idea too, because if happiness doesn’t exist than there is only fulfillment. And fulfillment is this satisfaction you feel after going through some hardship or struggle. It’s kind of like building a home from scratch and while the process was stressful and demanding, the person found fulfillment in building a home. It doesn’t make them happy because the process is so demanding on the body, but the outcome was enough reason for them to pursue it. Fulfillment does feel more practical than happiness. Most of the time, the outcome or reward is really for survival reasons. I suppose, it makes us seem less like a human and more like a machine doing tasks for rewards. Happiness feels more emotional, as if we pursue something because it has no negative emotions involved. It’s one of the reasons why we are different from robots or machines, humans can feel happiness but machines do not. Machines can fulfill orders or tasks, but they do not experience happiness. 

[subrinaislam]

What's the Difference Between Joy and Happiness?

Tips should not be regarded as medical advice because they are based on personal experience.

Many of us spend our days trying to find Psychology of Joy vs. Happiness, but is that what we should be doing? What distinguishes pleasure from joy, and what does this signify for us in our daily lives?

My research on the differences between joy and happiness brought me to the wonderful book The Book of Joy. Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama are asked about the differences between pleasure and happiness as well as how to obtain joy.

These two remarkable guys went Psychology of Joy vs. Happiness through a lot in life, but they still serve as beacons of hope for their communities and the entire world. Here, I'll list the things I discovered from them.

Happiness vs. Joy

Although they are frequently used synonymously, joy and happiness have very different meanings.

Happiness is said to depend on situations outside of oneself. According to the Dalai Lama, feelings are all too frequently "like a butterfly that falls on us and then flutters away."

While eating a piece of chocolate or experiencing only green lights on the way home from work may temporarily make us feel content, these feelings do not stay. Happiness is an emotional reaction that is frequently linked to sensory experiences.

Contrarily, happiness originates from within. It is a far more resilient emotion that endures in every situation.

Challenges and frustration do not have to rob one of joy. It has been demonstrated by great humanitarians like the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Nelson Mandela that happiness is possible even in the face of enormous hardships.

The majority of individuals should be looking within instead of seeking satisfaction in the things that happen to them. Real inner joy is not brought by outward success.

Some people might think that religion and one's belief in God are related to joy. These two spiritual figures, however, demonstrated that it is a universal truth. According to the book, joy is our natural state and even more essential than happiness.

Joy is a profound sense of fulfillment. It can even be born from sorrow and is developed throughout a lifetime. Happiness is momentary and more about getting what you wants right now.

How to Be Joyful

Joy triumphs over happiness in the comparison between the two emotions. If you're anything like me, these contrasts make you ask, "Well how do I get joy?" It must be the key to living a happy life, right?

Plus, how is it that some people who have been through so much manage to be so happy?

No "get joy quick" scheme exists. It will call for consistent practice and work. They list eight pillars of joy in The Book of Joy:

Perspective

Humility

Humor

Acceptance

Forgiveness

Gratitude

Compassion

Generosity

A recurring motif, if you'll observe, is putting others before oneself. You must understand that the world is bigger than you.

The Dalai Lama makes the idea of our shared humanity a major focus. Being a good person who cares about others will go a long way toward making you happy.

Looking inside oneself and developing emotions like empathy and acceptance may be helped by practices like meditation or prayer. To be able to think about living your highest ideals and enhancing your relationships with others, you need to figure out what works best for you.

[chxxlzea]

Accepting Harsh Reality: A Reflection on the Anthology “Lockdown Litanies: Countless Untold Stories” an essay written by Chelsea Margarette Pillas

All I can say to begin my essay is that it was fantastic and amazing to read since the poetry provided the readers with a deeper comprehension of the subject matter. And as I read the poems, I feel both happiness and chills because, I really value it when I saw or read some things like videos and poetries regarding women, especially our struggles because women are strong and can overcome hardships to be the best versions of themself. Women experience different kinds of pain and suffering that only they have known, but many other people invalidate and treat women unfairly. Similar to what is occurring in our nation, it is no longer a safe place for women because of incidents that invalidate our personalities. Even riding in a crowded jeepney may be frightening because, in my experience, guys tend to stare at us and give us an uncomfortable look. So I admire all women because it is not easy to be like us since it is a struggle that you have to face every day, and it makes being a woman a particularly challenging task.

So let us begin with the first poetry, Dear Diary, and I believe that this poem is about a lady who is going through a difficult period in her life, as said in the poem, My head created more voices to fill the hole, and it feels so uneasy because having a war with your mind is one of the most aggravating things that can happen to a single person, overthinking destroys one mind and if it continues growing inside, it may cause significant trauma. And I may state that this poetry is connected to Taylor Swift's song All too well since we all understand how significant the song is in terms of a joyful and fulfilled relationship that ultimately led to and caused a horrible breakup and let us all scream Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it…

The next one is The Tale of a Modern Sisyphus, which, in my opinion, is about a strong woman who has many secrets but chooses not to share them since society perceives her as someone who never has to deal with difficulties because, as the poem states, "Not defined by her defeat, but of being gracious— Gracious to push the boulder up the mountain And start once again like nothing happened." And it reminded me of single moms who care for themselves and their children since, as we all know, it is not an easy task to do so, but mothers are heroes who can seem to be OK even while they are deeply broken within. It also makes me think of Taylor Swift's song Look what you made me do since it describes a character who is becoming more resilient and determined in her life, much like the song's lyrics state But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time.

The third poem is titled O' Yayi, and before I started writing this paragraph, I read it several times because I didn't fully understand it. However, as I read it repeatedly, my heart started to ache because this story is so amazing. It gives me a range of emotions because, in the first part, it was all happy, but in the last part, I felt the pain of the person telling the story, the pain of loving someone who hasn't fully recovered from her past, I felt the pain of loving someone and giving them the love that they deserve but ended up broken and empty and it reminded me of Glimpse of Us by Joji because when you hear the tune and the lyrics you can clearly see how damaging it can be for someone who hears it, Joji singing the lyric- “Cause sometimes I look in her eyes, And that's where I find a glimpse of us, And I try to fall for her touch, But I'm thinking of the way it was, Said I'm fine and said I moved on, I'm only here passing time in her arms, Hoping I'll find, A glimpse of us”is a genuinely painful song for someone whose only aim is to love you but witnesses how you change and rediscover Dante who died a long time ago, All I can say for the one who delivers the tale is that You were a fantastic person and loving someone as hard as you can is nothing to be ashamed of, I hope you find your soulmate and continue to be an awesome person.

The fourth poem, Two Red Laces on the Wonderwall, is deeper than the other three in my opinion. It explores the experiences of women who have toxic relationships in their lives and who suffer because of them. However, as time passed, she eventually found someone with whom she could be completely honest, and this is the best experience you can have as you move on from those experiences. and I think that Ruth B.'s song Dandelions is a good example. This song is the one that truly makes me think, "Wow, this music is the one that complements this poetry so well," as she stated in the lyrics of the song- And I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime, And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine….

And the next poem, the fifth, is titled Umbilical. Just by reading the title, you will be able to deduce what this poem is about: it is simply about mothers who gave birth to a child and suffer, including having their bodies change from how they originally appeared. I can only think of my own mother, who carried me for a very long time, and as I read the poem, I became more and more appreciative of what she had done for us. No one can truly replace mothers in our lives and in our hearts; they are truly our heroes. And the Taylor Swift song Never Grow Up perfectly touches this poetry because, as I listen to it, she dedicates it to all the mothers out there because,as we all know, when we first entered their lives, they didn't even want us to age quickly or have anyone touch our skin, as it says in the song's lyrics “I won't let nobody hurt you, Won't let no one break your heart, And no one will desert you, Just try to never grow up….”

The following poem is titled "RE: Paper (I'm Red, IMRaD)*," and from what I understand, it is about teachers who were marginalized by our government and treated as something not special to students like us. Teachers are the people we consider to be our second parents because they have been by our sides for half of our lives, even though they are not blood relatives. They lead us into their rooms, which serve as our second homes, teach us things that our parents didn't, and provide us with lessons but also lessons in life. Therefore, I think that teachers are the most essential individuals in our society because without them, we wouldn't be educated and intelligent enough to think or even write an essay like this. As I read the poem, I also thought that the song In this Moment by Alison Yap was appropriate because it talks about how teachers helped us become adults. Therefore, no one can argue that teachers are simply instructors since they are there to instruct and be our guide as we grow in life.

In the seventh poem, 3 A.M. Awakening, I think that this was about forgiveness. And

how can we really say that we forgive someone who has done wrong to us? There are many things on why people ask for forgiveness and the question in my life was will he ask forgiveness when I didn't find the truth.? It was heartbreaking and mentally draining when someone you love lies to you, and it is even more heartbreaking to think that they are not sorry for what they've done, but they are sorry that we found out. The hardest thing is that you have to forgive him because you care about him. Everyone found life to be exceedingly unjust, especially those with pure hearts. Imagine being completely in love with someone, yet having them let you down by acting immorally even while they are aware of what they are doing. We might be able to forgive them, but we will never forget what they have done for us, and let us scream Taylor Swift's hit song, "The Way I Loved You," because as time passes, the sorrow we experience makes us stronger and as the lyrics say“Breaking down and coming undone, It's a roller coaster kind of rush, And I never knew I could feel that much, And that's the way I loved you” breaks my heart

more.

And the eighth poem, My Frail Lady, which is about suicide, saddened me when I

finished reading it. When I was younger, I used to wonder why someone would harm themselves in such a way. And as I become older, I've come to the realization that individuals act in such a manner for no specific reason; rather, it has to do with one's entire existence as a human being and how one's life progresses. I thus cannot hold those responsible accountable because no one knows the difficulties they have had. Possibly it was only a simple situation for others, but as someone who understands their agony and pain, I can attest that it is dreadful to feel alone and without anybody to rely on. and I feel that the song Malibu Nights is what matches this poetry since the lyrics talk a lot about being alone and having no one to turn to, and it kills me to accept the truth that it was a hard existence for those who went through it.

The final poem was Major Arcana, which I believe was about our future. I know that

everyone aspires to a better future for themselves, which is why they continue on in life. However, in order to get there, they must overcome many obstacles, just like in the poem about fortune tellers, which is similar to Taylor Swift's song Shake It Off because we are still learning and growing.

And at last, before I wrap up this essay, let me say that I firmly believe that we should never give up on our goals in life. Even though we are women, we know that we are capable of doing anything that a man can, and we are more beautiful in our own special way, so let's stop comparing ourselves to others because our time will come and bring us to a happier ending.

[theletmeliveproject]

The Selflessness of Parenthood

I recently came across a video. It was a short advert for a service aimed at parents, and the person in the video spoke about how parenthood effectively purges you of selfishness due to the fact that your life now revolves entirely around another person and that now they are much more selfless than when they didn't have children and therefore didn't have responsibilities.

*DISCLAIMER: I was unable to find the original clip in order to quote and so have had to paraphrase using my personal interpretation of what they said. This is not a definitive statement that this was their intention of meaning when they said what they said.*

Here at The Let Me Live Project, we aren't about putting parents down and denying the importance and difficulty of their role as the people who are raising the next generation. We believe whole heartedly that parenthood is one of the biggest, if not most, responsibilities an individual can take on - which is exactly why we have no interest in it! No matter how much help you get with it, being a parent does require some level of sacrifice and we have no doubt that for many it is a completely life changing experience. This does not, however, mean that parenthood is the only circumstance in life that can require sacrifice and selflessness. It also does not mean that people who are parents are inherently less selfish than people who don't.

These are the definitions of selfish and selfless given by google:

There are selfish and selfless elements to both childfree and parental lifestyles. For example, giving up a large amount of time, money and energy in order to devote your life to caring for another person is a very selfless act, however, many parents choose to bring children into this world knowing that they do not in fact have enough time, money, and energy and even sometimes go to the extent of making said child feel guilty for having been born. In this way, many cases of parenthood, in which a child is forced into life just because their parents wanted to have a baby, can be seen as inherently selfish. Conversely, many childfree by choice people are making a choice to prioritise themselves over their potential child by investing their time, money and energy into other pursuits that they feel will bring themselves more fulfilment and happiness. This intentional focus on individualism can be seen as selfish. However, the fact that childfree by choice people are choosing to not force their potential children into a situation that isn't optimal for them, or where they are unwanted, saving them from hardship and trauma, is in some way actually very selfless.

In response to the video clip, I put a question out to our community on Instagram (linked in bio and down below) regarding this narrative about the inherent selflessness of parenthood and inherent selfishness of childfree life. This prompted a very interesting discussion in which someone expressed the point that while parenthood is undeniably hard and undeniably important, many parents actively deny themselves pleasure and sometimes even help. There are many factors that go into this. Firstly, the idealisation of the nuclear family which impresses on us that it's the responsibility of the parents to look after their children and needing any help at all means that they are incapable and shouldn't have had children. This goes against our nature as people and the practises of many cultures around the world and through history wherein raising children is not only a community act, but a responsibility shared by one's whole family. Due to this idealisation, there is a subsequent pressure for parents to deny themselves any kind of pleasure in order to sustain it. Parents, especially those in a "mother" role, will often forego all prior interests and relationships and resist treating themselves or having any kind of break for fear of being branded a bad parent and accused of neglecting their children.

We can see then why people who have children may feel that having children is one of the hardest things someone can do - because it is - and why they may feel that people who don't have children couldn't possibly understand what they go through- on some level it's true. Raising human children is a very specific kind of experience. However, by making the statement that, prior to parenthood, this person had no proper responsibilities or need for personal sacrifice, they knowingly or not play into the idea that childfree people have it easy and are inherently selfish. People call us selfish either because we, in their mind, have no reason not to be or because some people view the act of being childfree as selfish in and of itself. That may be the case for them, but not for everyone. Many childfree people may have other caring responsibilities that are similar to those of a parent. Many childfree people may be in a difficult situation that requires a lot of personal responsibility and sacrifice. Many childfree people become childfree due to trauma, meaning they too have experienced a life changing and/or ongoing event that has fundamentally changed their world view and priorities.

Being childfree or childless - while there can be a lot more freedom and less pressure in certain areas - does not mean complete freedom from life's challenges.

Links!

https://www.instagram.com/theletmeliveproject/

[carewyncromwell]

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star, So we'll know where you are --  Gleaming in the skies above, Lead me to the one who loves me...”

~“The Second Star to the Right (cover),” by Simone

x~x~x~x

HEY PETER PAN ANON! I MADE YOU SOMETHING!! 8D

Hahaha, yes! This is Peter-Pan!Orion and Wendy!Carewyn (Carewyndy?). No, I won’t be writing this AU before the Tangled AU at least (and yes, I should have that up hopefully by next week)...but I couldn’t resist doodling these and talking a bit about the daydreaming I did based on this concept. Orion’s ripped pants were kind of based on how the pants are ripped in the 2003 Peter Pan’s costume, but I just couldn’t resist giving him his canon fingerless armwarmers. (I see them being forest green just like his pants, though, while his tunic is a light tan.)

Basically I see eternally 12-1/2-year old Orion Amari taking a strong liking to 10-year-old Carewyn Cromwell when she comes to Neverland. Even though she does act a bit too grown-up sometimes, it’s largely because of how deeply she feels for other people -- she’s determined to protect others, whether from bullying or actual danger, and she hates the thought of anyone feeling alone. She actually is the only person who’s ever asked Orion if he was lonely, being the only child who was destined to never grow up. And as much as Orion will airily state that “to die would be an awfully big adventure,” he finds that it’s Carewyn who believes this most, for the idea of growing older doesn’t frighten her the way it does her grandfather, the man now called Captain Hook. If anything, what makes her saddest about leaving Neverland is not for her sake, but for Orion’s -- she, Jacob, Charlie, and Bill were all going home to London, along with a good chunk of Orion’s friends among the Lost Kids...and Carewyn hated the thought that she’d never see her friend Orion again. So she reminded Orion that she would always have her window open at night, if he ever wanted to come and visit, hear her read a story or two, or even just listen to her singing while she did her evening chores. Sensing Orion’s hesitance, she reassured him that she’d never forget him. 

Orion proceeded to return to life in Neverland, embarking on those same old adventures that make the days blur and make it easy to forget things. Forgetting was part of Neverland’s magic -- even Bill had almost forgotten he had a new baby sister back in London, when he, Charlie, and Carewyn had been there with Orion and the Lost Kids. But, as Orion would often tell himself, adults forgot things in the other world too: they forgot the joys of childhood, they forgot the freedom and the simple pleasures and the bottomless daydreams. All of them, every last one of them, eventually forgot how to fly. 

But perhaps because of Carewyn’s final promise, every time Orion thought of how easy it was to forget things in Neverland, and therefore how easy it was to forget things outside of it, Carewyn’s face and words always returned to his mind. And so, the memory of her conviction and caring never strayed too far from his mind...and with it, other thoughts would crop up too. How stable things had been, when Carewyn was around. How well she understood him and how easy it was to talk to her and trust in her. And it was then that Orion realized that he really, truly missed Carewyn. It was a feeling he’d never really experienced that deeply before, not even for the other children who had eventually returned home to their families. Even Bill and Charlie, who Orion likewise grew reasonably fond of, didn’t make him feel like his stomach was always empty, no matter how much food he ate -- like his heart was scraping at the inside of his chest like a hungry animal desperate to devour something outside its cage. And that feeling only intensified when his fairy guardian Merula would try to urge him to go challenge Torvus and the centaurs to a race or splash around with the mermaids, even when Orion wasn’t in the mood to do so. 

Orion felt restless, unsure of quite what was wrong with him and not knowing how to explain his muddled thought process to McNully and his remaining Lost Kids. One day Orion was eventually persuaded by McNully to lead an expedition to find a lost chest of pirate treasure, and for a short while, the Boy Who Never Grew Up was simply able to enjoy pulling one over on his old enemy and sharing the loot with his gang. That changed, though, when Captain Hook crashed the party. 

Orion and Hook traded as many blows as ever, throwing insults at each other like they always did -- but this day, Hook said one barbed phrase that stuck in Orion’s ear more than he ever would’ve admitted.

“Already forgotten my dear Winnie, I see. But I guess I can’t be surprised. After all, the only thing that can break through Neverland’s curse -- that thing that makes everyone forget...is love. And you -- ha -- you don’t know anything about that, do you, boy?”

Love. Yes. That was the thing that made Carewyn remember her lost brother and mother, even while she was a Lost Girl. That was the thing that had made Charlie remember his parents, even after he’d forgotten London altogether. That was the thing that made Bill remember his other siblings, once he remembered how his baby sister Ginny would always cry after her afternoon nap until he came home from his newspaper route and bounced her up and down for a minute or two. That was the thing that had made Jacob remember his little sister in London, even after he was kidnapped by Hook and commandeered into piracy. And, Orion realized, it was the thing that he missed most about Carewyn -- her ability to love more deeply than anyone else he had ever known...like a mother would, and yet like an equal...a companion, more than just someone to go on adventures with. 

Orion tried to broach this topic with Merula, but the huffy little fairy put up her walls and stubbornly refused to let them down. Feelings were grown-up things, and Orion didn’t need grown-up things! Orion wanted to agree, but the feelings he felt were becoming heavy -- so heavy, in fact, that he found it harder for him to find his center, to think thoughts happy enough that he could fly to any height he wanted. He actually found himself hovering and floating more than flying...and this troubled him. It made him more anxious than he could remember ever being. 

Then the thought struck him -- why didn’t he just go and visit Carewyn? She said he could, whenever he wanted. She could tell him some stories and sing some songs for him -- maybe she could even sew him a new pocket for his shirt! These thoughts perked Orion up a bit, and he decided to leave for London straightaway. 

He hadn’t expected it to be so cold -- for you see, in Neverland, it’s every season all year ‘round, all except winter. It was a fact Carewyn had lamented, for winter was her favorite season. She loved the Christmas holidays and how everyone would gather around the fireplace with warm food together and sing Christmas songs and tell stories. It had actually sounded kind of nice to Orion, when she described it to him and the Lost Kids -- but on this day in London, Orion didn’t think the cold was so nice, nor the gray, dreary city itself. There were buildings that had been crushed and holes in cobblestone streets, made by bombs that had been dropped by German Zeppelins, and just about nobody raised their heads enough to look skyward. The adults prowling the streets were just as lacking of joy as Orion had always imagined them to be, yet it wasn’t due to stupid grown-up things like wearing a tie to work or paying bills. Instead there was exhaustion, sadness...pain. Orion hated these people’s wrinkles even more than the ones he’d see on the pirates’ faces, from dwelling on mindless things like how much treasure they had or what their daily duties were. 

But none of that mattered, of course. What mattered was seeing Carewyn. But alas, when Orion arrived at the Weasleys’ house, it was still daytime...and the window to the room Carewyn, Bill, and Charlie once shared was locked. 

Orion rattled at the window desperately, slapping the glass and pulling at its handles as he cried her name. All logic left his mind -- his breathing became raspier and weaker even as he shouted louder. 

She had to be there -- she had to be there -- she couldn’t have forgotten -- she wouldn’t have forgotten -- she promised -- she promised she wouldn’t forget him -- love was what kept someone from forgetting -- Carewyn knew love better than anyone -- she loved her brother -- she loved the Weasleys -- she loved the Lost Kids and Torvus and the mermaids and the fairies -- she loved Orion -- didn’t she love -- ?

As Orion’s anxiety spiked, the magic of Merula’s fairy dust began to abandon him. He found himself becoming heavier. He tried to cling onto the windowsill, pulling at and smacking the window, but it wasn’t wide enough for him to hold onto while it was closed. Soon enough he found himself falling slowly, like someone drifting down to the bottom of a pool...and when he landed on the ground, he landed on his knees, shaking. He clasped his hands together, his eyes wide and hollow upon the frosty ground as wintry condensation fell from his panting lips. 

He’d lost his happy thought. He’d lost it. 

He tried to fly. He tried desperately to fly, only to fall and scrape his knees and hands. Never in his life had Orion Amari ever been so frightened, shuddering from head to toe in the freezing cold. 

He shakily got to his bare feet and, barely knowing where he was going, he walked. He wandered aimlessly, his eyes glassing over as he gasped for air, searching every revolted and anxious face that he passed as the faces’ owners cringed at the state of his long hair, ripped clothes, and lack of shoes. 

Orion wandered for what felt like hours, until at long last, as if by fate, he ended up not far away from a Church-funded school, which taught both elementary and higher-elementary-level students. One of those such students was a girl with a ginger braid and almond-shaped blue eyes, walking home with several classmates, including a black-haired girl with glasses carrying a bunch of books, a rather pretty blonde with pigtail braids, and a rather cowardly-looking boy with blond hair, brown eyes, and a very thick sweater and mittens over his Church-provided uniform. The ginger-haired girl herself was wrapped up in a rather thick old dark blue blanket she’d turned into a shawl after it got ripped and had been holding it tightly around herself when, all of a sudden, she heard her name being cried by a misty, and yet anxious voice. 

“Carewyn! Carewyn...!”

One can only imagine what Carewyn’s school friends Rowan Khanna, Penny Haywood, and Ben Copper thought, seeing such a scrawny, ragamuffin street boy running toward their friend. Rowan actually tried to step in front of Carewyn as if to protect her, while Ben made as if to cling onto Carewyn’s arm in terror. But Carewyn herself, her eyes very wide upon the boy, immediately tore away from both Rowan and Ben and ran to Orion without a single shred of hesitation. 

“Orion?!”

She barreled over, whipping the shawl off her shoulders and wrapping it around his instead. 

“Orion, what are you doing here?! You’re going to catch a death of cold!”

Orion hadn’t been able to stop shaking for an instant, but her shouting his name, rushing to take care of him -- her remembering him -- it made his heart feel like a beast craving food again. Her concern wet his appetite. He wanted it. He wanted her caring. He wanted her love...

She was as tall as him. She’d been so tiny before...

“Carewyn...you know this boy?” asked Rowan, looking bewildered.

“Yes,” said Carewyn, glancing over her shoulder, “he’s a friend. Rowan, this is Orion. Orion, this is -- ”

“You’ve...grown older,” Orion’s absent mumble cut her off. 

Carewyn fixed him with a faintly reproachful look. “I’m afraid that does happen, in the span of three years...”

Thirteen. She was thirteen. ...She was older than him.

Carewyn’s eyes welled up with concern as she looked Orion over. She turned to her friends quickly. 

“...I’d better get him inside and warm...I’ll see you all tomorrow, okay?”

She quickly bid her friends goodbye, before wrapping an arm tightly around Orion’s shoulders as best she could, rubbing his arm through her shawl in an attempt to warm him. 

“Orion, what were you thinking?” she whispered, her voice full of concern as her eyes stayed locked ahead at their path. “Coming here in broad daylight, in this cold...”

Orion had started to shake again, his hands clasping more tightly. 

“Your window was shut,” he mumbled. 

Carewyn looked very upset. “...My old window, you mean? The one I shared with Bill and Charlie? Oh, Orion, I don’t share a room with Bill and Charlie anymore -- I share with Ginny now. Girls’ room, you know. Charlie and Percy actually share that room now...Bill’s sharing a flat with several other boys, closer to the newspaper’s headquarters in the East End...” 

Her eyes rippled with pain. 

“...Ginny’s and my room doesn’t have a window,” she explained. “I’ve told Charlie and Percy to keep their window open for me, but...well, Percy’s grown up way too fast. He must have closed it to block out the air raid sirens last night and forgotten to reopen it...”

Orion didn’t understand half of what Carewyn was saying, but the tone she spoke with held such reassurance and remorse that it soothed the racing anxiety that had so paralyzed him. He closed his eyes as the adrenaline his anxiety had built up ebbed away, leaving him oddly drained and colder than ever. He was so out of it that he barely seemed to acknowledge that his head flopped down onto her shoulder. 

“Orion?” said Carewyn, startled and worried. 

But Orion merely inhaled and exhaled slowly. Her caring fed that beast in his chest. He wanted a bit more. 

“Carewyn,” he murmured, “did...did you think of me?”

He felt Carewyn adjust her arm around him. 

“Of course I did,” she said softly. “I told you I would never forget you.”

The tenseness in Orion’s clasped hands and face loosened its grasp. “...Because you love me.”

Carewyn looked at him, her eyebrows furrowed with confusion. “What?”

But Orion barely reacted -- as if he didn’t think what he’d said was the least bit weird. 

“There’s only one thing that can prevent someone from forgetting...and that’s love. For once you love someone, your heart never really forgets them. Instead they become part of you...an indispensable piece...that would make you feel incomplete, if it was ever removed.”

Orion slowly opened his eyes, his lips spreading into a small, rather soft smile that made him look a bit more like his usual self. 

“...It’s what helped you remember your brother and the Weasleys, while you were with me...and your brother remember you, while he was with Hook,” he said. “It’s something I know nothing about...but I know you know it very well.”

Carewyn considered him for a moment, before returning her gaze back to the road. Plenty of people passing by gave her and Orion the side-eye, but she didn’t care. 

“I don’t know if I’d say you know nothing about it,” she said at last. “You remembered me just as much as I remembered you, did you not?”

Orion’s smile faded from his lips as his eyes widened ever-so-slightly. Then his expression slowly relaxed.

“...Perhaps...”

His black eyes trailed over her arm around his shoulders and her hand rubbing up and down his arm hesitantly. His arm beside her chest twitched slightly -- then, very, very tentatively, he tried to wrap his arm around her shoulders in return. It was a bit awkward, with the shawl wrapped around him...but once Carewyn sussed out what he was doing, she adjusted enough to give the shawl enough slack that he could successfully hold her in return. Once he had gotten his arm around her, he seemed oddly proud of himself, his smile spreading and his eyes closing again as he leaned into her, his head beside hers on her shoulder. 

They stayed that way for several blocks, walking in silence and simply enjoying each others’ company. Orion felt his center of balance returning to him. It was like having this stable place, with his arms wrapped around Carewyn’s shoulders and hers around his, was the earth he needed under his feet to launch himself back up into the air. He felt like he might even be able to fly again at some point...maybe not yet, but soon. Time always moved more slowly in Neverland than in London anyhow, so no one would mind if he took his time...

“...Carewyn?” 

“Hmm?”

“I...don’t know if I can make it back to Neverland,” he confessed. 

Carewyn looked at him, her eyes once again flooding with concern. 

“I fell, when I failed to open your window,” Orion explained. “I’ve only ever fallen like that once before...when...”

“...When Grandfather made you think unhappy thoughts,” Carewyn finished grimly. She turned away from him, facing the road again. 

Orion nodded. His black eyes flickered across her face, even though she was no longer looking at him. 

Hook had taunted him then that Carewyn had no reason to stay in Neverland -- that she preferred the thought of growing old and dying to staying with him -- that he could never meet her high standards. He’d taunted that one day, Orion would go back to find her window locked and barred -- a grown woman who’s forgotten all about him, about Neverland, about how to fly...who’s replaced all of it with adult things Orion could never understand. Ambition. Family. ...Husband. 

Carewyn wasn’t an adult yet, but she certainly wasn’t a child anymore either. There was a practicality to her posture -- a steadiness and gravity to how she walked. There was a neatness and meticulousness in how she handled her appearance. And yet even so, her hands were still so warm and her eyes were still so soft...and the sincerity in the little wrinkles that creased her brow and eyes and kissed at the corners of her lips was just the same. 

Carewyn raised her head in Orion’s direction, but her eyes couldn’t quite reach his. Instead they landed vaguely on his shoulder. 

“...I never told you...Grandfather was wrong, did I?” she asked quietly. 

Orion tilted his head. “...I suppose it depends on which thing he said that you’re thinking of. You did say you’d never forget me, or Neverland...or how to fly.”

“Yes,” said Carewyn, “but I didn’t say that he was wrong, that you’d never understand ambition or family. That’s definitely not true. Ambition isn’t just an adult thing -- you dream of never growing up, of never losing your freedom or your independence...your spirit. That’s a wonderful ambition. And you have a wonderful family too, in Neverland. The centaurs and mermaids -- Merula and the fairies -- the Lost Kids! You take care of them as if they were your family.”

Orion stared at her for a moment, his face very unreadable, but his black eyes rippling with a strange emotion. Then he curled his fingers into the puffy white sleeve of her shirt. 

“...And...the last thing?” he asked softly. “‘Husband?’”

Carewyn frowned deeply. “Is marriage something you even want to understand?”

“No!” said Orion instantly, looking revolted. “No...but...well...”

He swallowed, his own gaze drifting away. “...If you grow up...you’ll eventually want one, won’t you?”

Carewyn cocked her brows coolly. “It’s possible. But honestly, marriage seems like a bit of a bother. I’ve had to answer to plenty of adults in my life: I’d hate to have to answer to one more by choice. Especially if it means I have to give up Jacob, my friends, and my dreams just to make him comfortable.”

She said this so huffily, and yet it comforted Orion more than he could ever properly express. His own chest seemed to lighten and he felt better able to breathe again. His eyes softened upon Carewyn’s face. 

“...I see.”

The two finally reached the Weasley home again. Orion noticed the house across the street that Carewyn had once pointed out was hers and Jacob’s had been boarded up. 

“It’ll get torn down soon,” said Carewyn, noticing Orion’s gaze. “The family that lived there had their house ransacked, just because they were German...”

Her eyes narrowed. 

“...It’s disgusting, how they were treated,” she added to herself. “They were very nice to Jacob and me, when we first came home...”

“Where is your brother?” asked Orion. 

Carewyn deflated. 

“...The war front,” she said sadly. “He’d been saving up so we could move into our own place, but...well, the army needed soldiers, so both he and Mr. Weasley signed up. Mrs. Weasley let me stay here, so I wouldn’t have to struggle to find a place to stay myself.”

Orion felt something oddly like pity prickling at his chest. “You mean you’ve lost him again, after only just getting him back?”

Carewyn didn’t answer as she opened the door of the Weasley home and bustled him inside. Once the door was closed, she guided him over to the main room and into an armchair, wrapping several more blankets around him. 

“Wait here,” she said. Her lips spread into a fuller smile. “I’ll make you some hot cocoa -- that’s sure to help you fly again.”

Orion felt his heart give a somersault. 

“Do you remember?” he said very quickly, before she could leave the room. “...Do you remember how to fly?”

Carewyn beamed. 

“Of course. All you need is faith and trust, and to have been brushed with fairy dust. Then you think happy, wonderful thoughts, and...”

She spread her arms, and -- amazingly -- her feet actually came up off the ground.

Orion’s black eyes widened. Then his mouth slowly spread into the fullest, brightest smile as he found himself coming up off the ground himself. He floated just below her, spreading both of his arms too so as to take her hands and hold them out on either side of them.

Even when the world was so miserable -- even when she had so much reason to forget...Carewyn still knew how to fly. 

“You’re flying,” said Carewyn with a warm smile. 

Orion’s eyes sparkled as he guided her around in a circle, just as he had when they danced with the fairies. “I found a happy thought.”

“Did you? What is it?”

“A person whose company makes you feel stronger, when you’re at your worst.”

Carewyn smiled. “I believe that’s what’s called a ‘friend,’ Orion Amari.”

Orion’s midnight-black eyes gleamed.

Yes. A friend. Not just someone to go on adventures with, or look after, or play make-believe with, or give direction -- but someone to be your shoulder to lean on. To listen, to comfort...to love. That was a friend. As much as he cherished the Lost Kids, he was the one who had found them -- they answered to him, seeing him as leader, since there was supposedly no one else who could. 

This friend...he wanted this friend by his side forever. “Forever,” as Carewyn had once reminded him, was an awfully long time -- but he didn’t hesitate in this thought at all. 

And so, not long after, the Boy Who Never Grew Up returned to Neverland. He passed his mantle of leadership onto Lost Boy McNully, said a quick goodbye to all of the members of his Neverland family...and decided to leave for good. Even his short trip back to the Second Star to the Right took up a few weeks, but when he returned to London, his friend was waiting for him. And Orion and Carewyn grew up together, as close of friends as teenagers and later adults as they were as children. Orion grew more than just a fraction of an inch -- he soon towered a good head over Carewyn once more. He even grew a mustache, and a beard too! And yet even with this, it was never beneath his dignity to climb a tree, nor to engage in food fights, nor to read adventure books about pirates, nor to crow like a rooster upon winning a game. No matter how much his other classmates at school would frown, and no matter how much the adults would disdain and scold him, Orion never cared -- and neither did Carewyn, or Bill or Charlie, or any of the other friends he made over the years. 

So you see, even if Orion grew older, he never truly grew up...for all children grow up, except one. And one day -- many, many years down the road from when Orion first made the choice to stay -- he looked at Carewyn and realized that his first and dearest friend had become something even more precious: a friend he wished to love, cherish, and live beside far longer than forever. A friend he would call “lover.” 

[smolla-than-a-bug]

wait for me

sano shinichiro x reader

for @xybi’s collab event !

the only thing preventing you from taking the next step in your relationship is the fact that no matter what you do, you just can’t seem to get his daughter to like you

navi | tokrev m.list | event m.list

content — fem!reader, single dad! shinichiro, his daughter kinda mean, reader has parent issues, insecurity & self-doubt, bullying, a bit angsty, marriage, happy ending :D

notes — 8.5k+ wc. didnt intend for this to turn out so long tbh but here we are ig. this yn is inspired by bobbie from four sisters and a wedding cos shes my fave so if u know her story well,,, iykyk :"> song rec for this lil ole oneshot is pwede ba by lola amour

'No' can a daunting word in any given situation. As the sayer rather than the receiver of the word, it takes a solid backbone to be able to pronounce that single syllable in such a way that is resolute; otherwise, it would be so easy to simply give in and go with the flow.

Growing up, you'd been mostly ambitious and hard-working, but you lacked the ballsiness to be able to stand up for yourself, protest your circumstances and say what was really on your mind. You always accepted whatever was thrown at you with not so much a complaint, no matter how difficult or inconvenient—sometimes even painful and emotionally taxing. Whether or not your parents were aware of it, you had never fulfilled the role of being their pride and joy. There was always someone else who was better and achieved more. With every conversation on the dinner table came name-dropping and praise for other people, but never for you.

You never wanted anything more than for someone—anyone—to see you, to appreciate you. It stung that that person was neither of your own parents, and thus you learned to live carrying the agony of feeling invisible and unappreciated. Because of this, you never felt like you were able to make actual connections with other people your age and never experienced many good, long-lasting friendships. No one other than yourself is aware of the hardships you'd been through to get to where you are now.

Over time, you learned how to acknowledge your own efforts. You became used to the feeling of being invisible to others, so you strived to find a way to stand out. If your will sparked out of spite, you couldn't remember because all that matters is that for the first time in your life, you did something to satisfy yourself rather than to please someone else.

You made good use of your skill, your intelligence, your ambition, and somewhere along the road, you graduated with great pride for yourself and everything you've achieved. You put a wall between your current self and your past self, creating a distance that ran from your hometown all the way to Tokyo, where you had found yourself a great job opportunity.

It wasn't easy adjusting to the new environment, but during that period, you had been able to re-examine yourself and set a few rules. Gone was the Y/N that accepted her "fate" without a thought. The new Y/N would take every chance to assert herself and show the world what she's capable of.

And you did exactly that.

You gained admirers in your work, and you were able to climb up the ranks. In no time, you were able to attain a substantial amount of income for yourself at the ripe age of 23, and you were able to send a fair amount of money back home even if you barely contacted them anymore. Despite your complicated relationship with your family, you weren't heartless.

You were content with your life as it was in Tokyo, albeit immersed in work.

The only thing is that, the whole "showing the world what you're capable of" thing had been balanced out by the universe with an "I can do it myself and I refuse to seek help from anyone" attitude in you, and it applied to everything. Even when heavy rains plagued Japan, cellular reception was weak, and your car broke down along an unfamiliar street.

As the voice on your phone speaker reiterates for the nth time that your call has once again failed, you rest your head against the wheel. Over half an hour has passed and you're still stuck in the same spot with a car that won't turn on. Your throat begins to feel clogged up and you think you might cry, yet your tear ducts remain sealed shut and your eyes feel like they're dried out. You can do nothing about the frustration bubbling up. Hopelessness threatens to make its presence known, but you swallow it down every time you think it's about to overcome you.

A rapid knocking on your window jolts you upright just as you're about to attempt another call. Rainwater pours down your window in bucketloads so the figure outside is completely blurred from your view. You can't even make out their facial features. You hesitate to entertain whoever was on the outside because what if you were about to get robbed? In the rain? Defenseless with no way to escape? You check that your doors are locked.

The knocking comes again, more hurried this time, followed by a muffled voice shouting over the rain from the other side. "Hey! You okay in there?"

You don't respond, silently praying that the man goes away. He's probably drenched from head to toe by now.

"You still alive? Need any help?"

You roll down the window a few inches without thinking. "I don't need your help!"

"You sure? You've been out here an hour!" His voice is much clearer this time. "Why don't you come inside my shop for a bit? It can't be warm at all in there!"

You don't respond, closing the window up again.

The man must have expected you to come out after that, but you don't. You ignore him until finally, the blob on the outside of your window shakes its head, turns around, runs back where it came from, but not before throwing out a "Think about it!" presumably directed at you.

Another thirty minutes later, the rain still shows no sign of stopping. Your body is stiff from sitting in the same position all this time, and you've started to shiver from the cold. You'd been thinking about the man's offer. The more you think about it, the more you're considering taking it up, and when you hear rumbling in the sky, you do.

You grab your phone, wallet, and keys, and you scramble out of your car, through the rain, and into a building labeled S.S Motors.

A man that resembled the distorted blob through your window rushes towards you as soon as you enter with a towel in hand, pulling a chair along for your use. You nod to him in thanks, and he disappears in the back again after.

In his absence, you use the soft towel to dry your hair and pat down your wet clothes as much as you can, though not much became of that as you looked as if you went for a swim fully-dressed.

When the man comes back, he's carrying a stack of dry clothes in his hands, almost sheepishly offering them to you. "Here. You look like you might need these." You're weary of accepting clothes from a stranger. It must have shown on your face, for he rolled his eyes and gestured to you shaking from the cold. "Don't worry, these came straight out of the dryer, and I think you'll feel much better in them. Don't wanna catch a cold now do you?"

You huff before accepting the clothes.

"Bathroom's behind the counter."

He was right when he said you'd feel better wearing a fresh pair of clothes, even if they were a stranger's hoodie and sweats. Plus, the lingering heat from the dryer made them extra comfy. You attempted to tame your appearance as best as you could, especially your hair. You pulled the hoodie's sleeves over your palms before walking back out.

A scoff is the first thing you're greeted with. "You're still wearing those?" He looked pointedly at the heels still on your feet.

"Well, what else am I supposed to wear?"

Heels were already uncomfortable to wear for an extended period of time. Wet, scrunchy heels were even worse. You didn't have an extra pair of shoes with you, so you'd endure it if you had to. There were more pressing concerns you had to think of, like figuring out a way to get home.

"I just cleaned the floor. You can walk around barefoot, it's cool." He came around the counter. "I'll go put your clothes in the dryer. You can keep your shoes over by that chair."

His shop was brightly lit with different models of motorcycles lined up around the place, but you didn't dwell on it. You knew nothing of motorcycles. What you did catch your attention, however, was the little girl who cautiously walked out from the same room the man went into when he got you the clothes you were currently wearing.

You offered her a smile and a little wave, but you instantly faltered when she ran back inside.

"Sorry... She doesn't do well with new people."

"Oh." You fiddled with the sleeves of your sweater. "Was that your sister?"

He chuckled, jumping to sit on the counter. "Nah. Nina's my daughter." That certainly took you by surprise. She couldn't have been older than four, and he looked to be about your age if you had to assume. "Had her when I was eighteen.” He cocked his head, “I was pretty reckless back then."

“Well, she’s a beautiful kid. Pretty smart not talking to strangers, too.”

He had a sort of faraway look. “That she is.”

There’s no mistaking the affection he holds for his daughter. The gentle look in his eyes of pure love, no doubt reminiscing the impact of her birth on his life stirred a pleasant feeling from within you. Your younger self would have been jealous, but now you can only smile softly, knowing that Nina was lucky to have a father that held her in such regard. "You and your wife must be proud."

He held up his left hand, showing you his naked ring finger. "Her mom's out of the picture. Was barely in it, if I'm being honest."

"Oh I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that—"

"No, it's alright. You didn't know."

An awkward silence took over. Suddenly, the room felt way too big.

He coughed into his fist. "So uh, I'm Shinichiro by the way. Sano Shinichiro." You introduced yourself in return. "Nice to meet you, I guess. So much for first impressions," he cringed, physically patting his own back and moving around to check on Nina.

The irony of it was that you thought he was going to murder you back out in the car.

Only now did you note that the sky had cleared up. It was incredibly late into the night and you internally groaned at the thought of having to deduct hours from your sleep to be able to get to work on time tomorrow, but at least it had stopped raining.

"Hey, Y/N?" You didn't notice when Shinichiro came back. "I could take a look at your car for you if you want?"

"Ah, no thank you." You were quick to refuse. "I couldn't ask that of you. You've done so much already. Don't worry I'll figure it out on my own."

He raised a brow at you, more amused than disbelieved that you'd turn him down for the second time that night. "You were stuck out there for like two whole hours. You really think it's wise to refuse my help right now?"

"One and a half," you corrected. Still, you stood your ground. "And I said I'd figure something out."

"Well, any ideas then?" You opened your mouth to say you'd try the phone once more. "Signal's still bad, so you can cross that out." You pursed your lips, your earlier frustration crawling back in with every word the guy spoke, but he only grinned at you. "I literally own a motorcycle shop. I know engines."

"Motorcycle engines. Engines for motorcycles."

"Very impressive verbal forensic work, Y/N. Really, I applaud you."

You cross your arms. "I don't like your tone."

You're already tired from all the events that have transpired thus far, and the longest bout of social interaction you've had outside of work had to be with him? You aren't fond of the sarcasm lacing his naturally raspy voice. You weren't friends. There's a time and place to appropriately use sarcasm, and this wasn't it.

Shinichiro sighed, hopping off the countertop. "Just let me take a look. You never know, I could pull a thing or two, and you'll be able to get out of here in no time."

Lucky for you, the guy did know engines—car engines. It took a few minutes of him tinkering at the hood of your car and you enduring his smugness, which he didn’t bother hiding much to your dismay, before you were finally able to start your car. The rumbling of your vehicle did wonders to comfort you.

You wanted to pay Shinichiro for his service, but he only brushed you off. “Free of charge, only for you,” he had said with that idiotic smirk of his. And when you insisted, he said, “Why would I charge the beautiful damsel currently wearing my clothes?” The smug bastard.

At that, you straightened up and drove off. Glancing at the rearview mirror, he waved at you, only going back inside his shop once a significant distance separated you both. The next day, you made sure to have someone drop by on your behalf to leave a sealed envelope containing your token of thanks.

You didn't know if he was doing it on purpose or if he was just annoying by nature, but you started seeing him everywhere. You occasionally saw him at your favorite coffee shop, along the sidewalk on your way home, and sometimes you'd even run into him in the most random places you'd never expect to see him at.

It was only when you spotted him walking out of a school with his daughter in hand that you realized that the reason you kept running into each other was because Nina studied at the institution near your workplace.

At first, you paid him no mind, but you were never fully able to avoid him. Every single time, without fail, he'd smile at you so big that his skin would crinkle by his eyes. At times, he'd even throw in some witty remark about how you're following him around. (If anything, you're sure it was the other way around.) He'd even bring up the car incident from not too long ago just to poke fun.

It was almost impossible to ignore Shinichiro, but over time, your days grew to become incomplete without seeing him and hearing what stupid things he has to say to you at least once.

Passing remarks slowly turned into him inviting you to join him and Nina to walks in the park because 'you could use some fresh air' or trips to the nearby ice cream parlor because 'you seem like you need replenishing,' but you always dismissed him because 'I'm busy. Maybe another time.'

Your workload had only gotten heavier the more you proved yourself to be the competent employee that you were, and you took it as a recognition of your talents. You worked even harder. You set more time aside to dedicate to late nights on your desk with an open laptop. Your restlessness was beginning to get to you the more you neglected to cater to your body's nutritional needs, often relying on takeout to fill your empty stomach and sleeping less than the average prescribed hours.

You thought you hid it well in the way you carried yourself in public and tamed all your visible signs of tirelessness, yet the first day Shinichiro handed you a packed lunch with a sticky note with his number and a 'you need to take care of yourself better' on it, you had panicked thinking that your exhaustion was so obvious that all your employees could see through you as well. You texted him then, laying out your concerns on your outward appearance, but he reassured you that you looked 'the same amount of gorgeous every day, maybe even getting more beautiful as the days went'—his words, not yours.

You scolded him then (as best as you could through text) and demanded to be taken seriously.

In his defense, he was quick to comply, telling you he was only able to notice because he knew the signs of overworking himself, but not without including a flirty remark about how he likes to pay attention to you, which you ignored.

After that, it became the norm for Shinichiro to drop by and hand you a homemade meal or something he picked up from the store every once in a while, texting you reminders not unlike the first one he gave you and not without an ounce of flirty undertones. To his delight, you somehow started to entertain and reciprocate them somewhere along the way, and four whole years later, you couldn't be happier to have met him and accepted him the day he confessed to you.

That same day was one he recounted in a long speech, knelt down in front of you with an engagement ring.

Throughout the entire span of your relationship, from start to present, he had been nothing short of perfect. He saw you as you were and still adored you anyway. He appreciated you, made you feel the sense of belongingness that you never fully realized was ever missing in your heart.

He knew you hated the public eye, so instead, he had a private romantic dinner set up in his home. He had the lights dimmed, a couple of candles lit, your favourite dishes, and a large bouquet of roses. He had been the perfect gentleman, pulling your chair back for you to sit and serving you like royalty. He made sure you knew he put a lot of thought, a lot of effort into the occasion he brought upon you, and he made sure to directly tell you that you deserved every ounce of love he poured into your heart whenever you began feeling overwhelmed.

No one had ever managed to make you feel so loved before. There were big, fat tears in your eyes threatening to fall when he ultimately ended his lengthy, emotional whirlwind of a speech with the question: Will you make me the happiest man in the whole universe and marry me?

But you said no.

Shinichiro respected your decision because of course he would, but he wasn't willing to let go of you so easily and to be honest, neither were you. He was willing to wait for you, however long you needed until you were ready to wear the ring that symbolized the depth of his love for you.

You'd forever be grateful for his understanding nature.

You almost regretted it as soon as you declined his proposal. Seeing the downcast, anguished defeat flash in his eyes that he tried to conceal with a poor attempt of a smile was a sight you hated and wished to never see again. You never wanted to be the cause of his pain.

You did your best to provide him comfort that night. It hurt that he just let you hold him thinking it was the last time he'd ever see you again, but in a way, you're glad he even allowed you to touch him at all—even more so when he listened to you and agreed that you both weren't ready to take the next big step.

You just couldn't be wed to a man whose daughter wanted nothing to do with her.

You told him it wouldn't be a "no" forever. It was more of a "not yet" until you improve your relationship with his daughter. But still, the impact of a marriage proposal rejection remained heavy.

But you had to give him props for his unrelenting persistence. In his mind, just because you weren't ready now didn't mean that there wasn't a chance that you would be in the future. Every once in a while, he'd pop the question again—more casually this time. And he took each rejection, every 'not now' with a soft shake of your head, as an opportunity to try again. He wouldn't stop trying until you either said "Yes" or rejected him with a definitive "No." Should you choose to respond with the latter, he'd be entirely crushed, but he'd respect your decision regardless. After all, you were doing it out of concern for his daughter.

Your relationship with Shinichiro was never just between the two of you from the get-go because Nina is, was, and always will be a part of his life. If you ever did marry him, she would be a permanent part of yours.

Personally, you tried to be for her what your mother never was for you. You tried to provide for her as a mother figure, but it seemed that she never accepted anything you did. If anything, she antagonized you, and it hurt you more than anything in the world.

No amount of stress from work could compare to the distress you experienced whenever Nina rejected another one of your attempts to prove yourself to her. For the second time in your life, you were begging to be recognized by someone who it seemed you could never do enough to please.

In the beginning, she would ignore you whenever you visited, whenever you spoke. “Hi, Nina.” She’d look the other way. “How was school today, Nina?” She’d enter a different room. “Are you hungry?” She’d pretend not to hear you. “You need to eat your dinner, Nina.” She’d walk away and act like her stomach wasn’t rumbling.

She grew used to your presence after your one year anniversary with Shinichiro, but things only worsened from there.

You’d receive a nasty glare upon entering a room she’s already in, only for her to slam herself shut in her bedroom. You’d feel small when she starts answering back at you for trying to get her to open up. You’d be faced with tantrums when you try serving her during mealtimes and she’s forced to breathe the same air as you. Sometimes when she’s feeling particularly sour, you’d have to deal with the aftermath of her attempts to sabotage you. You’d find your laptop keyboard soaked in the sticky remnants of juice, the contents of your purse stuck in the crevices of the living room sofa, gum in your hair…

Yet you accepted it all without protest. How could you complain? You weren’t her mother, she wasn’t obligated to like you.

If Shinichiro reprimanded her for her actions, that’s a matter between father and daughter. You had no right to step in like it was your business. You’re reduced to hope that one day, maybe she’ll finally warm up to you.

But that hope was slowly diminishing.

And it terrified you when, one day, Shinichiro came up to you to ask if he could leave Nina in your care while away for business purposes. Something about Mikey and Draken requesting for his assistance in their own bike shop in Manila.

"You're leaving me with that witch?" she had complained to her dad at the airport just before he left. She was so unwilling to let him go even just for a week, which made the idea of marriage into the Sano family all the more discouraging, yet you tried to be understanding nonetheless as it would be the first time in her eight years of life bring away from her dad for more than a day. Not to mention, it would be the longest time she’d be spending in your care. Shinichiro glanced at you apologetically, worry drawing his eyebrows close, but you merely gave him a tight smile. It would be alright. (You hoped.) "But she hates me! Don't leave me with her!"

"Hey, hey, what are you talking about, angel? She doesn't hate you." He bent down to hold her properly, consoling her in hushed whispers.

It felt as though you were nothing but an intruder once again, so instead, you distracted yourself by getting the last of Shinichiro's luggage from the trunk of your car. You made sure to take your time so they could have a proper farewell.

You couldn't help but think what it was that you did that made her hate you and most importantly, what made her think you hated her, because as far as you knew, you were giving nothing less than your absolute one hundred percent in trying to form an emotional connection with her. To understand her, to provide for her, to be there for her. But all she's done is push you away, and you're constantly at a loss as to why.

Were you not caring enough? Were you not sensitive enough to her needs? Were you too suffocating as an outsider? Did you come off too strong or did you not try hard enough?

The cloud of doubt over your head took you back to your youth. For a moment, you weren't the adult version of yourself that moved to Tokyo, became successful in business, and almost got engaged. In that moment, you were once again that little girl who could never be enough. You were that insecure child who never stood up to herself and grew accustomed to being walked over, forgotten in the dark by her own flesh blood because she could never be what they saw in others. You were the little girl who only saw her flaws and everything she didn't have.

The slam of a car door brought you back to reality. Nina had retreated to the backseat of your car. You sighed, closing the trunk.

"You're not gonna cry too are you?" Shinichiro teased, taking his luggage from you. "It's flattering you'd miss me that much, really, but I don't think I could handle both of you crying, no?"

"Ha-ha..." you rolled your eyes as he pulled you in with one arm for a hug, burying his nose in your hair. "If anything, I expected you to cry." You relax against his body, melting at his touch. “But I will miss you. Even if you are pretty damn annoying.”

“Pretty what?”

You could practically make out the grin on his face through the tone of his voice alone. “I said you’re pretty annoying.”

“Mm… all I hear is you calling me pretty, my love.”

“I said no such thing.”

“Okay.” He kissed the top of your head. “But do you think I’m pretty?” You nod. “Ah, but you’re prettier.”

“Like I said. Annoying.”

He laughed, bringing his other arm around to engulf you completely.

Shinichiro's hugs gave you a sense of safety. There's no place more comforting than with his body wrapped around yours. You'd give anything for the moment to last longer, but one glance at your watch and you were forced to push him away so he could catch his flight on time.

"You'll be fine," he declared, setting both palms on your shoulders. When you looked away, he brought up a hand to nudge your chin up. "I'm serious. Think of this as an opportunity to bond with Nina. You never know, maybe she'll finally warm up to you."

You looked at her through the window and there she was, sporting a grumpy pout, sitting with her arms crossed, and stubbornly swiping at stray tears. "Yeah, I doubt that," you huff. The defeat weighing itself onto you already, but you straighten up just as fast as it comes. You straighten his shirt—a habit you picked up through the years—and finish with a pat on his chest. "Anyway, you gotta go like now or you'll miss your flight."

"Alright, alright..." he took a few steps back. But it was a feigned surrender as he quickly sneaked up on you again, stealing an exaggerated smooch complete with a smack of his lips and a mutter of "Last kiss."

He smiled when you laughed at his antics, cupping your face again to kiss you properly this time. "You got this, Y/N. I believe in you." He pecked your forehead before he rummaged through his pockets. "And maybe... when I get back..." He lifted your palm, pressing a kiss to it before the ring he had used to propose to you multiple times with was delicately placed in the middle of it. "Maybe you'll finally be ready to wear this. If I have hope, you should too."

You'd been so lost in your thoughts that you almost forgot who your efforts were all dedicated for. The one who had more faith in you than you did. You really were gonna miss him, even if you would only be apart for a week. You wondered what your life was like without him, already having long forgotten what it was like to be entirely by yourself.

He kissed you one last time, and you watched him retreat past the automatic doors of the airport, waving goodbye a final time before getting into your car. And so began the long week ahead of you.

Getting her settled into your apartment that night was by far the easiest thing you had to handle. She headed straight to your guest bedroom, and you left a plate of food outside the door. Thankfully, you came back a few hours later to find the dish empty. She must have been really tired.

The next day, you made sure to get up earlier than usual to go through your morning routine and start breakfast before waking Nina up for school. You were feeling pretty good about the first night not involving anything brash, and your good mood carried on as you pranced around the kitchen frying eggs and bacon in a pan. You know Shinichiro likes listening to music in the morning, so you made sure to put on his favorite radio station.

You were about to knock on the guest bedroom door when it was harshly swung open. “Good morning, Nina!” You tried, but like always, your attempt was soiled as she stomped past you, still in her pajamas, and into the kitchen. “I know your dad makes you bacon and eggs every morning so I—“ she jerked your pantry open, pulling out a box of cereal and opening a new carton of milk.

Nina scoffs. “You didn’t even put the milk in the fridge?” A rhetorical question, judging from her tone. To be fair you really should have just put it in the fridge when you bought it, but you’ve been so busy with work that you hardly had the time to even restock around the kitchen. Still, the eight-year-old had a point. It took a minute, even less, to just open your fridge and pop it in. You had nothing to say.

She took her bowl of cereal to the sofa in your living room, turning up the volume of your TV that the radio you’d left on could no longer be heard and leaving you alone on your kitchen counter. You figured it was in your best interests to just let her do her thing and sulk over the extra breakfast food you’d prepared for her while you had your own meal. If she didn’t want to eat it, maybe your coworkers would appreciate the treat then.

As soon as she finished, she tossed her used bowl and spoon into the sink with a loud clang, making her way back to her room to dress.

You sighed, putting the dishes away properly and tidying up the state of your living room sofa. There was a stain on one of the cushions from spilled milk, you noted. You’d have to scrub it off later.

You gathered your things and grabbed your keys by the front door. “Time to go, Nina!” Upon hearing no response, you waited a while but then noticed that if you didn’t get going soon, both of you would be late. You called out for her again, but still, nothing.

You approached the door to her room and knocked softly. “Hey, you okay in there? Nina—“

“Fine, I’m here!” She seemed troubled, frustrated even as she opened the door. Her hair was messed up more than it was earlier, and you realized that Shinichiro usually fixes her hair before she went off to school. She must have been struggling, trying to get it done herself. You tried offering your assistance, but you were once again cut off with a sharp “No.”

The glare she gave was menacing. It managed to tell you so many things without having her say it herself. You’re not dad. I don’t like you. I don’t know what my dad even sees in you. Don’t come near me. Don’t touch me. It stung more than it should, it really did. The weight of each message processing through her stare pressed down on your chest, but you prayed your weakness didn’t peek through your demeanor. You took all your pain, your distress, and washed it down in one big exhale—a technique you find that you’ve gotten more and more accustomed to. You clutched the keys in your hand. “Alright. Let’s go.”

She was quiet for most of the ride, only staring either at the road ahead or out the window. In a way, you’re grateful that she isn’t finding any more things to berate you for. You were even nervous to try turning on the radio, afraid it wouldn’t be to her liking, but the silence was so tense, so ominous that your mind was getting more discombobulated by the minute.

“I didn’t have time to prepare a bento for you, I’m sorry.” You glanced sideways at her. You know she can hear you, but you doubt she’s actually listening to a word you say. Pulling out a few bills from your purse, you hand it to her. “Here you go—for your lunch. There’s a little extra in there too, in case you get hungry for snacks.”

She was barreling out the door the minute you pulled up in front of her elementary school. “I’ll pick you up at three!” you hope she heard you.

Unfortunately for Nina, you couldn't take her straight home after school. You’d have to take her back to the office until work hours were officially over. You’d go home on time for the rest of the week though, as you promised yourself you wouldn’t work overtime for Nina’s sake.

You were taken aback when, after a few minutes standing out your car to wait for her, Nina trudged out of the building alone, grabbed your wrist, and dragged you behind her towards your car, keeping her head down all the while. “Whoa, what’s going on?”

“Shut up Y/N, let’s just go. Please.”

She sounded so desperate to leave, it gave you the impression that something might have happened in school today. You set a reminder in your head to try bringing it up later on. You could see that, right now, she just needed to get off of school grounds.

“Nina, hold on!” Nina froze for a millisecond, tugging harder on your wrist only to ultimately be stopped by who you assumed was her teacher. “Hey,” she chuckled. “What’s the rush?” She then noticed you, greeting you with a warm smile and a curt bow. “I’m Ms. Nishimura, Nina’s homeroom teacher. You must be Mrs. Sano?”

“I—“

Nina yanked herself away from you. She curled in on herself, mumbling, “She’s… not my mom.”

Ms. Nishimura immediately backtracked, apologizing for her mistake, but you reassured her that it was okay. You gave Nina your car keys, motioning for her to go wait in the car. She briskly complied without argument.

She looked too uncomfortable standing out there with you and her teacher, but she obviously had something she needed to talk about so you had to stay to entertain it in Shinichiro’s place. You quickly explained to her teacher about your situation—your place in Sanos’ life, who you were to Nina, that she was in your care for the week (though you obviously left out the details about your strained relationship with her indoors).

“So, is Nina doing okay in school? Is there anything I should be concerned about?”

“About that,” Ms. Nishimura pushed up her glasses. “Nina’s a good student—nothing to worry about there. But, there’s a parent-teacher conference coming up this Thursday. Just a sort of annual event with the parents to talk to them about the curriculum, let them know how their child’s doing, etcetera… and I was just a little concerned since Mr. Sano hasn’t gotten back to us with regards to confirming his attendance. I’ve been trying to get Nina to follow him up on the school’s invitation, but you said earlier that he’s out of town so...”

“I see.” You glanced at Nina for a second, catching her fiddling with her fingers and staring at her lap. This must have put her in an awkward spot with her teacher who didn’t know about situation until you explained it. You tried to recall your schedule for this Thursday, scanning through the things you had allotted that day for before saying, “I’ll go. I can attend the parent-teacher thing in Shinichiro’s place.”

This evidently relieved Ms. Nishimura of the pressure on her shoulders. “Oh, thank god! That was the last response we needed from Nina’s grade, so thank you. I look forward to seeing you on Thursday then Ms. Y/L/N!”

Every day after school, Nina would stay in your office, completing homework and sometimes wandering around to relieve herself from boredom. Your coworkers loved her presence, judging from the way everyone would be all-smiles when greeting her in the hallways. Nina would also be included whenever someone decided to bring everyone a treat—which became a more common occurrence throughout the week that she was there. Because of this, you didn’t need to worry about her so much as you bustled around the building fulfilling your duties, knowing that Nina’s a smart kid and that your coworkers would keep an eye on her for you when you couldn’t.

She wasn’t too hard on you either during office hours. You’re sure it had something to do with being in a foreign environment where adults ran to and fro, but as the days passed and the more she adjusted to the new setting, her complaints grew. She’d complain when she was hungry, when she was bored, when she was longing to go home—all understandable on her part. One thing you were thankful for was that she never threw tantrums in front of your coworkers, choosing to let out her distress within the privacy of your office. Sure, you had to find a way to quiet her whines and sometimes deal with her grumbles, but you had faith in yourself that you’d find a way whenever the occasion arrived.

“Y/N. I wanna go home!” She stood before your desk where you were typing away on a keyboard. She was already carrying all her things, prepared to take off at any minute and fully expecting you to do the same.

You glanced at the time at the corner of your screen. “Just a few more minutes, baby.”

“Don’t call me that! And I wanna go home now!”

You sighed, rubbing your temples. Then your phone began to ring.

One look at the name flashing onscreen and you slid the device over to Nina. "It's your dad."

She lit up so fast at that, grabbing your phone and happily chatting away with him.

Thursday came faster than you could blink.

You managed to clear your schedule for the rest of the day after 3 PM, and after agreeing with yourself that you wouldn't pick up any work-related calls past that hour, you found yourself being toured around Nina's elementary school campus and chatting with her teachers about her academic performance.

It filled you with pride knowing that she was excelling in her subjects. You took mental notes of each remark her teachers said about her, determined to fill Shinichiro in about it tonight over video call. If you were already swelling with pride, just imagine the look on his face once he hears about his little girl's teachers' impressions and comments of praise.

The conference went by pretty smoothly until you were pulled aside towards the end of it by the same homeroom teacher you'd met the other day.

Ms. Nishimura lead you to a bench outside so that you could have a more private chat. She prefaced whatever she needed to say with a greeting, happy to see you again, and then she went into the only detail of concern she'd picked up from seeing Nina every day. "I noticed that she doesn't really get along with the other kids. I know that she has a few friends, but she doesn't really have a group that she normally goes along with, if you get what I mean?" You nodded. "I'm just worried since it's her second year of elementary school, you know? I don't think it's best for her to be spending her school life without friends..."

It's also something you'd noticed within the short span of time it took to drop her off and pick her up. She would always be walking alone, head turned down to watch her feet move as she walked. It did concern you a bit, but hearing it from her teacher this time made you frown all the more.

"Maybe if—"

"Go away!"

"No one wants to be your friend because your mom left you!"

"You must have done something really bad for that to happen!"

You and Ms. Nishimura were alarmed to hear something like that come from what sounded like a child's mouth. Immediately, you both followed the source of the ruckus just behind the school's main building. You made it just in time to see some kid pushing Nina onto the rough ground.

"Hey!" You shouted at the bullies. Ms. Nishimura took on the responsibility of scolding the students and calling their parents who were still inside the school.

Rushing over to Nina's side, you tried to check her for injuries, catching sight of a red mark on her cheekbone before she jerked her head away from you, hanging her head in shame yet unwilling to let her guard down. "Get away from me!" She stood up on wobbly legs, pushing you away when you tried to assist her.

You gave her your car keys. "Here. You can wait for me in the car. At least let me handle this, okay?"

She wordlessly took it from your hand, and you took note of the little scrapes on her palms. You put on the face you used during business deals, fully determined to have a solid talk with those other kids' parents.

Once you got back to your apartment, you went straight to finding an ice pack and your first aid kit. Opening the door to Nina's room, you found her sitting at the edge of her bed staring into space. You knelt down beside her, bringing up the ice pack to her cheekbone, but she flinched from your touch. "Leave me alone."

"I'm just trying to help you, Nina."

"I said leave me alone! I don't want your help!" She hid under the covers, curling up into a ball.

You sighed. "About what that kid was saying earlier, it's not your fault you know?"

You could barely hear her muffled words but there was one phrase you caught clearly: Stop pretending like you care... and she sounded like she was holding back tears.

"Stop pretending... like I care? Nina, I— What are you talking about?"

"Don't act like you don't know!"

"But I really don't! If you would just help me understand—"

"Just stop!"

"I—"

"No! You're not my mom, so stop acting like you care about me and dad. You're just going to leave us the same way she did! I know dad keeps asking you to marry him, so just go already if you're going to keep saying no to him!"

She was full-on sobbing at this point, tears running down her cheeks in waterfalls and snot dribbling down her nose. You knew from the get-go that she had a lot on her plate even as a mere eight-year-old, but what you didn’t know was that she carried the weight of her troubles on her shoulders. You realize now that you failed to see how she was just like you. Afraid.

Afraid that everyone would be the same.

It all made sense now, looking back:

You’d receive a nasty glare upon entering a room she’s already in, only for her to slam herself shut in her bedroom. You’d feel small when she starts answering back at you for trying to get her to open up. You’d be faced with tantrums when you try serving her during mealtimes and she’s forced to breathe the same air as you. Sometimes when she’s feeling particularly sour, you’d have to deal with the aftermath of her attempts to sabotage you. You’d find your laptop keyboard soaked in the sticky remnants of juice, the contents of your purse stuck in the crevices of the living room sofa, gum in your hair…

All because she wanted to push you away. She was scared of letting you into their lives only for you to leave and never come back, so instead she tried to speed up the process to save both herself and her dad from the pain of having you walk out—that was what she wanted to do, you understood that now. "You think I'm gonna leave... Is that why you hate me so much?" You set down the ice pack on the bedside table.

"Huh?” She hiccuped, rubbing at her wet eyes. “I don't hate you..."

How ironic. “Well, I thought you did,” you chuckled, kneeling down by the bed where she sat. You spoke in soft tones. "I haven't said yes to your dad because I didn't want to force myself into your life like that.” And it was true. It would have been greatly unfair to have her be the one to adjust when you would be the new person in their family. You reached out a hand, testing the waters to see if she would move away from you again. You fully expected that she would but…

She didn’t.

Not having her avoid you like you had the plague for the first time in the four years you've known her was a feeling you don’t think you’d ever forget from here on out. Your first success. The first time your relationship with Nina didn’t seem like a hopeless case. The overwhelming feeling of finally having taken a step—a big step, it felt like—in the right direction with her was enough to bring tears up to your eyes. You gently cupped her face, and upon feeling the weight of her head in your palm, you smiled. “I couldn't do that to you."

She tried to speak through her hiccups and sniffles, but you hushed her.

"If you'll let me, I don't plan to leave you or your dad—both of you.” She gripped the sheets so hard, her knuckles were turning white. You were slightly nervous that she’d lash out, but you held onto the moment you two were currently sharing, making the most of it as much as you can so that while you were able to see where she was coming from, she would hopefully also see you. “In a way, you're kind of right, you know? I'm not like your biological mom because unlike her, I'm not going anywhere."

And at that, Nina launched herself against your body, wrapping her smaller arms tightly around your body. You embraced her just as tightly—maybe even more. You tried soothing her as she cried harder, rubbing your hand up and down her back and combing your fingers through her hair. At one point, you kissed her head, and she gripped onto you even tighter.

That night, she refused to let go of you and you slept with her in the guest bedroom, only being able to convince her that you both had to get cleaned up before she attached herself onto you again. She clung onto you the entire night, never once daring to let go. "Can I not go to school tomorrow?" she had meekly asked you before she fell asleep.

You kissed her hair. "I'll take the day off, too. We can spend the entire day at home if you want." She nodded. She deserved to rest after all that happened today, and who knows for how long she's been experiencing that from her classmates without anyone knowing.

The next day, she woke up before you did, shyly asking if she could help you cook bacon and eggs the way she and her dad did every morning. When you agreed, she built up her confidence little by little. She demonstrated how her dad would let her be the one to crack the eggs into the pan, imitating his exaggerated exclaims of oh no! every time a shell fell into the mixture. She had you turn on the radio and told you which songs were their favorite ones to sing along to, even dancing around a little bit. She showed you her favorite TV shows, she introduced you to the stuffed toy she brought with her to your apartment, she told you embarrassing stories about Shinichiro...

And to meet her halfway, you showed her some things you liked to do as well. You both lounged in your pajamas and robes (you let her borrow one of your old, nice ones), told her the stories behind the photos of you and her father on your phone, ordered food from restaurants you knew that she would enjoy.

It was the first day in so long that you felt that you could completely relax, and from what you could tell, it was the same for her. You've never seen her smile so big or laugh so hard before.

That night, while you were doing your skincare routine, you had her try out some of your favourite products. You both giggled at each other's bubbly faces while you applied your cleanser, and she was fascinated by the array of face masks you presented her with.

You had her lay in your lap as you massaged the serum of one of the sheet masks into her face. "Are you gonna marry my dad now?" She had her eyes closed, out of relaxation or fear for your answer—you didn't know.

But you smiled, remembering the ring that Shinichiro left you with because your final answer would be nothing less than, "Yes."

You gently guided her off your lap before you stood up to go fetch the engagement ring.

"Y/N?"

You recalled what Shinichiro told you that day at the airport.

"Maybe... when I get back..." He lifted your palm, pressing a kiss to it before the ring he had used to propose to you multiple times with was delicately placed in the middle of it. "Maybe you'll finally be ready to wear this."

You were sure now. You're ready. When you came back into the room with Nina, she watched you slip the ring onto your finger with such wonder. You had to talk her into keeping it a surprise for her dad, though.

And though he didn't cry before he left, there were tears that escaped him when he came back, seeing both you and his daughter in such a new light and—what's more—spotting the twinkling of the engagement ring he left you with sitting comfortably on your ring finger and finally ready to take the next step.

all rights reserved © smolla-than-a-bug, 2021. please do not copy or repost my works. reblogs/feedback/comments are appreciated!

notes — extra: wfm!shin as a dad hcs !

tokyo revengers taglist — @victoirerambles

[caspercryptid]

Hi! Been stalking for a while but since your requests are open, I thought I'd drop in for the first time 💜

Could you please tell us an insomniac bedtime story featuring Jayce/Jayvik with the concept of kintsugi? As an artform it has helped me a ton with all the hardships I put my body through, maybe it could help others too...

In the meantime, stay safe and amazing!

☄️🐉

So this is a deeply deeply deeply strange way to have fulfilled this request, and for that I apologize. Angst with a happy ending. Everything Is Fine I Promise.

Kintsugi, also known as kintsukuroi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum _______

Jayce doesn’t know how long Viktor’s been dead when he finds him.

The body is half-buried in Pilt-mud and if it weren’t for the weight, Jayce wouldn’t even be sure that there was a body inside the armor. It’s all deactivated, the lenses in the mask cracked, not a single bit of flesh exposed or remaining. Viktor’d apparently closed the helmet around the back of his head where his hair used to be exposed, the back of the helmet coming up in a little metallic crest, like it’s imitating the effect of Viktor’s half-wild curls.

Jayce half-wonders what the point was, when surely he could have welded it to his jaw, but there’s nothing to feel about that, the last of Viktor’s organic matter hidden away. The body may as well be a robot’s, but that robot was once the most important person in Jayce’s life, so he’s careful as he lifts him from the earth and carries him home.

There’s nothing to feel, or at least, That’s what Jayce tells himself, because he isn’t. Feeling. Objectively, scientifically, there should be some reaction. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. But Energy wasn’t supposed to be created or destroyed, either, and Jayce feels the space in the world where Viktor was like a black hole, like a void, but that wasn’t new. He’d felt it for years. So he does all he can think to do, and he gets to work.

Step one: Clean.

He gets a hose and blasts off the armor, clearing everything he can, and then he gets a toothbrush and goes to work in the fine joints. It’s slow-going: silt has pushed into every crack and wire and circuit it could find, and there are so many cracks. The armor is beat to hell. It shouldn’t be splintering like this, and Jayce hates the thought of the heat and force that must have been applied to it to get it to do this. He pushes past that thought and he keeps at it.

Step two: Disassemble

Jayce has to draw up blueprints based on his understanding of each part he removes, and he removes no more than necessary to clean under them. He’s still not entirely sure what he’s doing, but he starts to understand as the papers build up around him, the project taking up more and more of his lab. He wants to understand. He needs to.

Step three: Repair

The hexcore responded well to gold. That hadn’t been useful information back in his first experiments- they could never afford it with the Kirammans' money- but it’s useful information now as Jayce goes into the shoddy piecemeal wiring Viktor had replaced with whatever the hell he could get his hands on– mostly copper stripped from Piltover’s electrical systems, if Jayce had to guess– and replaces it with gold. He welds and he replaces and he works around the hexcore powering Viktor’s suit, still humming with life, because removing it feels like a final act of disrespect. Jayce doesn’t touch it, doesn’t pull out Viktor’s heart to hold it in his hands. If the suit was going to be Viktor’s final resting place, than Jayce was going to make it worthy of him. Of his best friend. Of the man he’d been once before he gave it all up and put himself through so much for Piltover, and then for Zaun. He had built the city of progress and then gone home and tried to undo his own work, and at first Jayce hadn’t understood it.

Oh, Jayce understood breaking down. Jayce understood backbreaking labor, but he’d done it for himself. He’d done it because he had to. He’d believed in the city, sure, believed in progress and innovation and the whole nine yards, but he had been working for ideals more than for people. He was very good at inventing life-saving technology and not very good at comforting crying children. Did one matter more than the other? He was starting to think that he’d been wrong to think so.

Viktor had understood the details and missed the big picture, sometimes. Viktor had invented technologies with the most heinous possibilities and not understood, because he was a good man. He wouldn’t misuse them. Viktor had been excellent with children.

Jayce is still not entirely sure what he’s doing, even as he does it, or maybe he understands perfectly, and there are simply a hundred different reasons and explanations. He wants to do one last thing for his friend. He wants to soothe the ache of the years they’d spent apart. He wants to heal the wound that’s just as much in his own heart as it is in Viktor’s chest, as he uses gold to repair the cracks in the armor, just because he can.

He’d never much liked the Machine Herald armor. It wasn’t because there was anything wrong with it, but because he missed the face underneath it so much.

When he removes the top layer of broken amber glass, he gets a shock.

Through a clear layer of something too strong to be just glass, he can see Viktor’s eyes.

They’re closed, but that’s not the shocking part. There’s... no decay. No sign of injury, no cold pallor of death. He looks like he’s simply asleep.

Jayce half assumes he’s hallucinating, numbly replaces the amber lenses with a brighter shade that matches the gold through the cracks in the armor, and he tries not to think about it.

The more he avoids the thought, the more it bothers him. There has to be something. He removes the chestplate again, does what he said he wasn’t going to do, takes a closer look at the hexcore.

It’s.... cracked.

Without fully knowing what he’s doing, moving again in a daze, Jayce removes the hexcore from his hammer. Piltover switched to synthetic over a decade ago– it’s one of the few remaining. He’s quick and careful as he reaches into Viktor’s chest, pulls out the core, and replaces it with the one from his hammer.

The cracked one in his hand sparks and fizzles, and Jayce realizes a second too late that Viktor’s armor was definitely designed to keep it stable, and he is almost certainly about to die. He has just long enough to think that this is almost poetic before there is a very bright blue flash, and then Jayce is being hit very, very hard, and there’s an explosion and he’s on the ground but he’s not dead and he blinks the spots out of his eyes and–

And Viktor is on top of him, shielding him.

“You fucking idiot.” he seethes. “What did you– why are you crying?”

Jayce realizes that he is crying, and that he can’t stop grinning. “You’re alive.”

“You–” Viktor seems to be trying to find the words, but he reaches up for his visor, and he pulls it up.

His eyes are gold and black, now, but his skin is the same, the same moles under his eye and across his chin, just a touch of black metal at the corner of his jaw, on the side where it used to give him trouble.

“What did you do?” Viktor asks, reaching up to touch the visor and Jayce doesn’t answer, just throws his arms around Viktor’s neck and kisses him, and Viktor is kissing him back, and he feels the cracks in his heart gild over. They wouldn’t be the same. But they’d be alright.

[perhaps-in-anotherdream]

Hi I hope you’re having a good day ! Do you have a favorite Victor right beside you?

Hello! It’s been pretty hectic lately HAHA but I’m doing good. I hope you’re having a good day too! (*´ ∀｀*)

As a matter of fact, I have more than one LOL. But none of them have been released in the global server yet, so I’m listing them under the cut~

To be honest, it’s really hard to choose one cause Victor has had an unbroken streak of great ASMRs since his 2nd birthday in CN (i.e. right at the spot global server stopped releasing ASMRs LOL :< ).

But these are my current top picks—

–

⊳  The Old Days (昔时)

Victor’s 5th birthday ASMR, and currently my most favorite one. AN ABSOLUTE GEM. Sentimental and wholesome!! Victor reminisces about how his mom taught him to make the best pudding in the world, how MC resembles his mom, and how she’d be happy if she knew how much MC loves his pudding. And the ending!!! Also, once again the man demonstrating how he knows consent is sexy! 👌💘

—

“Thinking about me? What about me? …don’t worry. I’m not thinking about anything. She left me the most important thing. Nothing has been lost. There are no regrets. The pudding that she taught me how to make step-by-step is now something that a gluttonous dummy looks forward to the entire day. If she knew about this, she’d be very happy.”

–

“How can I sleep soundly without hugging you? In the past? The past is the past. I’m used to it now. I have to put my arms around your waist, smell the scent on your hair, and take you into my arms completely. Only then can I sleep soundly. You promised me. As long as I want something, and as long as I’m happy, you can do anything.”

–

⊳  Warm Embrace (温暖怀抱)

HARBOR!! ANCHOR!!! Another absolute gem illustrating why Victor is frequently regarded as the most reassuring harbor, anchor for MC.

Victor comes home late at night and finds MC practically bawling her eyes out. Seeing how she doesn’t want to talk about it, he sits silently by her side, and accompanies her in crying as MC nestles in his arms. Then, he tells her how he knows what she’s upset about, how the world is not always fair and how it’s okay to let the river flow. But after that, we have to turn around and confront the problem because running away doesn’t solve anything. And how he knows how strong she is. And, the obvious hugs and kisses of course!

–

“Sleep. Everything will be okay.”

–

⊳ Pillows And Stars (枕星)

Just the ambience of the ASMR alone is incredibly romantic to pass up on.

Victor and MC are lying down on a beach, stargazing together. Victor tells MC about how he used to star gaze in his childhood on the rooftop in Èze, the hardships he went through to build today’s LFG ft. valuable life lessons, and how it’s important to cherish the “now”. And of course, the Victor regular, hugs and loads of kisses.

–

“Looking at the stars like this makes me feel as though the surrounding clamour doesn’t have anything to do with us. No matter how important work is, or how tedious life is, they can’t be compared to living this moment seriously. Mm. Even your silly smile right now – I’ll remember it too.”

–

“When we left home, didn’t you want me to give you a night you’ll never forget for the rest of your life? Whatever I promise you, I will always fulfil it. Tonight – I’ll remember that.”

–

⊳ Thoughtful Care (贴心照料)

This is a pretty old ASMR. Victor catches a cold and turns into a 3 year old kid, refuses to take the medicine and drink the congee, and IT’S ADORABLE!!

More importantly, did I mention PAIN?? This was released during the 2nd anniversary event. Yes, it mentions the S1 CH 18 gunshot. ಥ‿ಥ

–

“You…. what are you doing? Don’t touch that. This scar…. it doesn’t hurt. It’s been fine since a long time ago. Don’t worry about it.”

–

“You rushed over even before the sky turned bright. Aren’t you cold? Give me your hand. Your legs are cold too. You can’t even take care of yourself, yet spend the whole day thinking about how to take care of me. But.... aside from you, no one will think that I need to be taken cared of. When I was sleeping earlier, I felt like you were here. I even thought I was dreaming. I was a little surprised. It’s the first time that I’m experiencing such a…. peace of mind. Looks like humans are truly strange. At times, it’s only when they want to belong to someone else, do they feel at ease.”

—•—°—

This might seem like an odd list, specially when Victor has a “respectable” number of suggestive and hot ASMRs LOL. And ever since his 2nd birthday, he’s only had 2 ASMRs that don’t have any kisses skjwdwekwk.

But as you might understand, each of the mentioned Right Beside You holds a special place in my heart for very special reasons~ 🥺❤️

—•—°——•—°——•—°——

[enamouredfae]

♡ Pick a Card ♡

Advice from your Spirit Guides!

This reading is for entertainment purposes only.

This is a timeless reading for the collective, therefore it is likely that some messages will not resonate with you. Please only take the messages that do! The messages that do not, are meant for somebody else. Remember that the future is never set in stone and that you possess free will! Love you! ♡

Pile 1

Charm: Shell

You may see shells as signs from the universe. You may have Venusian placements. You have a tough exterior, but once you finally open up to people you are a hidden gem! You are a person that values privacy.

Flower: Carnation

The meaning of carnation changes depending on its colour, since this one is a stripped purple carnation, it symbolizes rejection/refusal and capriciousness. It being a dry bud, for me at least, symbolizes that this is a small issue that isn't likely to grow! You might've been refused a caprice recently, or you may have too high expectations that are likely not going to be fulfilled.

Significator: Page of Cups

Self-sufficient is the word I thought of when I saw this card. I think that at the moment you are really starting to work through your emotions, you might be finally doing some introspection, journaling, talking to people, seeing a therapist, etc. You are beginning a journey of emotional growth. You might also be receiving a message soon, be aware of any symbols that matter to you or ask the universe for certain symbols for guidance.

Astro: Virgo and Capricorn

There is a high chance that you have Virgo or Capricorn placements. You may be earth dominant. You may be Mercury/Saturn dominant/ruled. This could also apply to the person you need advice on if that is the case.

I thought of soil when I saw these cards, not a plant, but very well-nourished soil. It seems like you are making a foundation for yourself that is not rooted in anyone else, it simply comes from you. You are the soil, the water, the nutrients, and your future self is the plant. Flower crowns may be significant to you as well, or you may find great healing by connecting with nature and connecting to nature's cycles.

What you need advice on:

VI of Wands and X of Pentacles (reversed)

There are a few possibilities I see here. You may be having a hard time getting your accomplishments noticed by others, you might not receive the praise you desire or feel you deserve. Another possibility is that you may have a hard time feeling successful due to your financial situation. You may have received a large sum of money that should make you happy, but it doesn't. You may be very well off financially, but it is causing some hardships, and others might not understand these hardships because they think that they'd be very happy in your position.

Advice:

King of Pentacles and XVIII. The Moon

I feel like at least one of you should monetize your intuition. Some of you have or will meet a person (very likely an earth placement), that is either a business partner or a lover/friend, that will somehow help you with your financial issue. They might recommend you to someone for example. Perhaps if you confide in the King of Pentacles, they'll help you immensely, they're someone you can rely on, if not financially, emotionally. Others should embody the King of Pentacles, be determined, stick to a routine. For others, someone could be hiding smth from you that would help you immensely with this issue. Listen to your intuition! Do not forget that your anxieties and fears are valid, and it is normal to be feeling like this! Your worth is not defined by your financial success!

38. Willow and 5. Cerato and Honeysuckle

Willow talks about self-responsibility: make a plan, stick to it and, most importantly, try to stop complaining. You have the strength to get through this, complaining just engrains it in your head that you have a problem making it harder to get out of that mindset, instead try working on the solution. Cerato talks about the fact that no matter how many people you ask, no matter how many books you read, your gut knows best! Trust yourself and your intuition. Whatever feels right, is! Just know that domestic happiness is very important right now, cherish whoever that may be (King of Pentacles perhaps), be it your cat or even yourself if you live alone, give and accept affection! This could be a message for a specific person but I feel called to note that as I was shuffling the oracles I started singing "Runaway" by Aurora. Perhaps the lyrics are meaningful to one of you, or it can reassure you that this pile is meant for you if this is your favorite song.

Pile 2

Charm: Cactus

You may see cacti as signs from the universe or have a very strong emotional attachment to them due to a certain memory. I feel like a lot of people are attracted to you, but they feel that you will reject or hurt them if they get too close. Or you consciously or subconsciously hurt people when they get too close. You might think you don't deserve love, which is NOT TRUE. Love isn't something that has to be deserved! But if it were, you most certainly deserve it!

Flower: Freesia

Yellow freesias symbolize joy, renewal, and friendship. It is the go-to flower to convey to someone that you trust them. You are incredibly trustworthy, someone to whom your loved ones come for advice. You are a great listener, are very delicate and tactful in your interactions with others.

Significator: IX. The Hermit

You are doing a lot of self-reflection right now, sometimes the pondering even turns into daydreams. You may also be connecting with and thinking about your spiritual/religious beliefs. You are looking to understand the light that illuminates your path. You may have started meditating, or you should start! Spiritual awakening is happening or coming soon! You could be isolating yourself at the moment as well.

Astro: Jupiter and Libra

There is a high chance that you have Libra or Sagittarius placements. You may be air dominant. You may be Jupiter/Venus dominant/ruled. This could also apply to the person you need advice on if that is the case.

The words that I kept thinking about at this point in the reading were "letting karma do its job" and "visions of the future". You may be clairvoyant! But most of you act a lot like the Justice tarot card, you like balance and fairness, and have a life philosophy based on these ideas. Your higher education might've played a big role in this.

What you need advice on:

II of Cups (reversed) and Queen of Swords

Someone may be rationalizing or overthinking a perceived imbalance in a relationship. Of course, the Queen of Swords, likely an air placement, is intelligent, they may be right in their thinking but because of the advice received, I believe their judgment is clouded by insecurity. They may feel unworthy of what they receive, seeing that you chose the cactus charm and have libra as an astro card, it is very likely that this is you but this may be your person as well, both options are possible.

Advice:

King of Cups and IV of Swords (reversed)

See, the King of Cups is upright, this person, very likely a water placement, is very emotionally mature, compassionate, and understanding. Whereas the swords person is exhausted and stagnant due to the deep contemplation happening. I feel they may also be insecure, causing the overthinking. If this is you, trust me, you deserve the King of Cups! If this is your person, make them realize that they deserve you! They need a lot of reassurance.

1. Agrimony and 7. Chestnut Bud and Morning Glory

Love, whether romantic or platonic, requires hard work, determination, and affection. Agrimony talks about a person that needs balance, both inside and outside. You may find it by showing more of yourself, especially by starting with your loved ones. Because you might not be used to it, start little by little, and observe how accepting those you love can be. Chestnut Bud talks about focus and learning from experience. For me, it's another confirmation that someone is overthinking, see the girl looking very melancholic, whereas their counterpart is goofing around. Don't take life too seriously! Have fun with your loved one!

Pile 3

Charm: Leaf

You might see certain trees or leaves as signs from the universe. When I picked up this charm I immediately thought "Leave!" So if you were thinking about a voyage, there's your sign, just be mindful of covid regulations, please. The idea of falling also popped up, so you might be falling for someone rn or feeling like you're in a perpetual fall emotionally.

Flower: Orchid

I would just like to point out that, although this orchid dried white, it was actually a baby purple orchid when alive. I will therefore explain both colors: purple orchids represent royalty, admiration, and respect, whereas white ones symbolize purity and innocence. But they are, no matter what color, always a symbol of luxury, delicate beauty, and virility.

Significator: 0. The Fool

You may be starting smth new with confidence, smth you haven't done before, making you a bit inexperienced, but still willing to take the leap of faith. OR you may be acting foolishly by looking back or the opposite way of the thing you'd do with confidence. Let me explain, as you can see the Astro cards are both looking in one direction, with determination, and confidence. Whereas The Fool is looking the opposite way. Your significator may be saying that you're being foolish to look the other way, wondering what-ifs.

Astro: Sagittarius and Mars

There is a high chance that you have Sagittarius, Aries, or Scorpio placements. You may be fire dominant. You may be Jupiter/Mars dominant/ruled. This could also apply to the person you need advice on if that is the case.

You have a clear goal that you can easily reach through your actions. Look at Mars' demeanor, he knows Sagittarius is hitting the target. Do not doubt yourself, there's nothing to worry about. Stay focused!

What you need advice on:

XI. Justice (reversed) and Queen of Cups

Clearly, there is a decision to be made here, and you really want to listen to your heart. And you're questioning whether you should? I just want to reassure you, the Queen of Cups is highly in tune with their intuition and their emotions, you should trust yourself.

Advice:

X of Swords (reversed) and II of Pentacles

You are clearly in pain, whether or not it is talking about this decision that is eating you up. Healing and recovery are important right now! It's time to stop resisting an inevitable end, and start recovering. Look, the reversal allows for the swords to just fall out of your back, just look inwards! Don't forget to balance work with fun, you deserve to relax! Another way to see this is that you are restricting yourself by seeing this as a choice, why not do both? Although, if we are talking about people here, there better be a mutual agreement on polygamy! I will not invite you to cheat! If we are talking about activities, you are capable of doing both if it's too hard to choose, you just need to figure out how to balance them. A specific message is that some of you want to go back to doing smth you've dreamt of doing as a child, if that is the case, pls do it, at least as a hobby!

13. Gorse and 32. Vine and Trumpet Gentian

There is a need to heal some inner wounds. I immediately thought of inner child work when I saw the Trumpet Gentian in combination with the Vine. Vine talks about acts of service and leadership skills, try parenting yourself/your inner child, give yourself the love that you may have lacked as a kid. You are worthy of it! Gorse is all about perspective and imagination. Do a brainstorming of possible outcomes depending on the decision you take, you can do this alone, but the input of loved ones that can be honest with you would do wonders. Don't forget your future can go in many different ways, and whichever decision you take is the right one!

Pile 4

Charm: Angel

You may see angels or angel numbers as signs from the universe. You are a person that is divinely guided and divinely protected. It seems to me like you have a very strong intuition or are very aware of your divine gifts.

Flower: Rose

Of course, roses are always symbolic of love. Therefore I believe it is more note-worthy here to talk about the size. This is a tiny rose. Just like the carnation bud, it did not have time to grow and is now immortalized in its youth stage. You may be inexperienced in love, or hold naive beliefs about it. You might be experiencing youthful romance right now.

Significator: XV. The Devil

What I find interesting here is that you got the angel charm with the devil significator. This is very conflicting energy. The sentence that I kept thinking throughout the reading is "wolf in sheep clothing" or "sheep in wolf's clothing", I kept mixing up the words, just very contradictory energy. The way you present yourself to the world is very different from how you truly are. You might also be a person prone to obsessing over people, things, interests, etc. I also would like to note here that this pile was the hardest to get the cards, the amount of shuffling I did here until the cards flew made me sweat hahaha. It's also a very confusing reading. Therefore, I believe you carry a lot of confusion yourself, although your intuition is incredibly powerful, you might suffer from being very paranoid, and sometimes being unable to differentiate your intuition from your delusions. I also think you're very secretive, you do not want people to know or understand you.

Astro: Neptune and Moon

There is a high chance that you have Pisces or Cancer placements. You may be water dominant. You may be Neptune/Moon dominant/ruled. You could have a Neptune/Moon aspect. This could also apply to the person you need advice on if that is the case.

"This is a time of great psychic sensitivity for you. Trust your intuition and follow its guidance." You should try to differentiate emotions from intuition, I know it's hard, but they are different things, and it's very important to tell them apart! Your dreams may hold messages, try having a dream journal and interpreting them if you don't do that already.

What you need advice on:

IX of Wands (reversed) and V of Swords (reversed)

As you can see ALL of the tarot cards I've received in this reading are reversed, implying inner conflicts that require inner change/work. You might've said/done smth you now regret, and you hate yourself for it, you may also be incredibly paranoid that others will find out. You want the paranoia to end. You want to make amends, to reconciliate/atone, but are unsure on whether you should do it. Perhaps you don't feel emotionally prepared to reopen that wound.

Advice:

V. The Hierophant (reversed) and VII of Wands (reversed)

What I noticed here is that The Hierophant mirrors The Devil, not as perfectly as The Lovers, but it is incredibly similar. Once again that energy of opposition, contradiction, and confusion appears, "the wolf in sheep's clothing". For some, my fixation on this phrase could be a warning. For others an invitation to look in the mirror... Try looking at the situation from the other person's point of view! I'm not saying you are a "wolf in sheep's clothing", but that might be how you're being perceived. You are exhausted, remorse is eating up all of your energy. The Hierophant is saying that you should stay true to your personal beliefs, so if you believe apologizing is necessary to move on, do it!

This could be unrelated and for a specific person, but don't be afraid of challenging the status quo! If it hurts none, do as you will, embody your true self! I just want to remind you that going against your loved one's idea of "normalcy" is not hurting them, it's loving yourself. But remember that you also don't owe anyone a "coming out", you are valid whether or not you tell people! Do whatever your heart tells you and please be safe!

!!! : Of course, this doesn't count if what's challenging the status quo doesn't respect others' identity/ sexuality/ ethnicity/ religion/ etc. If challenging the status quo comes from a place of hate please block me. Nobody is using this reading as a sign to do some fucked up shit.

3. Beech and 2. Aspen and Lily

When I saw Beech I immediately thought "talk to someone, or you could spiral." Beech talks about self-acceptance and self-compassion. You must first accept yourself as you are, an imperfect human being, like all humans, before starting to work on embodying your highest self. Stay open-minded! Aspen, on the other hand, invites you to connect with others, not only for advice or consoling but for quality time! I have a feeling that you have very high morals, but having them isn't enough, you must act accordingly!

Thank you for reading! Love you all.♡

You can buy me a coffee if you feel called to do so! This is never necessary, but always appreciated! ♡