#biting the shame bullet and posting it lol

[filialdisciple]

tangcheong animatic attempt because they drive me crazy

[nevertheblood]

66 + dazango !!! 👀 teehee

hello. so, uh. this got so far away from me that I think it is not a drabble anymore or even anything close to it.

the problem is that this song is so damn perfect for dazango-- I actually SCREECHED when I opened my spotify to check it.

and then as usual for me I went on a 'let's emotionally torture ango sakaguchi' runaway train and... here we are.

I may post this to ao3 once it's been proofread lol THANK YOU FOR SENDING THIS I HAD A LOT OF FUN WRITING IT!

probably OOC since it's unbeta'd and i wrote it in two days but ANYWAYS HERE--

dazango x never say die by chvrches ~~

Wasn't it gonna be fun and wasn't it gonna be new?

Wasn't it gonna be different and wasn't it gonna be true?

Didn't you say that? Didn't you say that?

Weren't you gonna be sorry and weren't you gonna be pure?

Weren't we gonna be honest and weren't we gonna be more?

Didn't you say that? Didn't you say that?

All you want is to play at playing God

But I'm falling in and falling out

Never, never, never ever

Never ever, ever say die

“You lied to me.”

It’s not a question. Ango doesn’t ask how he found out – Dazai always knows, somehow or other.

Ango also knows better by now than to make excuses.

“Yes,” he says. “Or rather – obfuscated the truth.”

“They are the same thing,” Dazai says, “When you make your business out of deceit.”

Ango sees his point, but really… it was an inconsequential thing. Sort of.

He’d told Dazai he’d be out of town for a meeting – that much was true. He’d neglected to mention that it was overseas, with one of the Port Mafia’s subsidiaries in Hong Kong.

What does it matter? Dazai is years out of the mafia. His dealings with them, and for the most part Ango’s as well, are a thing that lives only in memory, steeping silently in regret and anger all the while.

It’s not any of Dazai’s business, what Ango does for work. Shouldn’t be anyone’s business, given the layers and layers of secrecy involved. 

It was just a meeting. Surface level intelligence gathering, that was all – no deals, no tricks, no subterfuge.

Dazai’s been four years out of the mafia, it’s true, but his eyes, right now – they carry that same cold steel as back then, the bite of a bullet, the only light therein the flash of a gun’s muzzle.

He is angry.

“I know that we have… a certain arrangement,” Ango says carefully. He doesn’t really know what to call it, the thing that exists so nebulously between he and Dazai. The two of them meet somewhere at a crossroads of misplaced trust and hotel bedsheets and guilty mouths and festering, rotted bitterness. “But my work is my work. It is separate from… what goes on between us.”

Dazai touches his cheek, the gentleness a startling counterpoint to the violence in his eyes, and Ango leans into it, a flower to the sun. It’s perhaps a little pathetic, the way he still takes in every scrap of affection from Dazai like a starving street dog begging for food, the way he craves it and hates himself for craving it. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s worked so hard to earn forgiveness and he still doesn’t deserve it.

“You promised me,” Dazai says softly, the thrum of his anger a quiet undertone, a subtle purr, a getaway car’s engine. “When we began this whole thing – that you would be transparent with me.”

“I am,” Ango insists, “To the best of my ability. You must know, with my work, that there are certain things that I cannot tell you. That I am honour-bound to secrecy.”

“Honour-bound?” Dazai’s low laughter causes something deep in Ango’s belly to burn, shameful, like a brand. “What honour can you say you have left?”

That’s cruel. Unnecessarily cruel, and it's not even wholly true. Ango wants to tell him so, to make him feel the same remorse – he knows it’s not possible, Dazai does not concern himself with guilt and he has never once looked for redemption – but even so, didn’t they cast this aside, when Dazai gave Ango the keys to his heart? Doesn’t Dazai love him, even a little bit?

He doesn’t have an answer to that. And he knows, of course, that he is without honour, without pride, so he stays silent.

“You promised me,” Dazai says again, and – is his voice cracking?

Ango hardly understands it at first. The emotion that has poisoned Dazai’s very veins ever since the Mimic incident – it has always been anger, cold and vicious and calm, murderous intent behind a blithe smile. Toxin in the blood, flowing downstream.

Ango has never once seen Dazai with sadness in his eyes.

“I really thought, this time – this time it would be different. You promised – ”

He is only repeating the same words, over and over, almost like a naïve child who is feeling the unfairness of heartbreak for the very first time. It doesn’t make sense. Dazai is not –

But then. Dazai had been merely eighteen, the first time. A boy, really. No matter how boldly he had worn the heavy black mantle of a mafia executive, that was all he had been, in the heart of him. A boy, who lost his best friend.

Four years down the line, he had only wanted something real to believe in. Something solid and honest and true.

And Ango had – once again – betrayed that fragile trust.

He can feel everything he's worked for, over the last four years, every time he’s put his life or his job or his self-respect on the line for Dazai, to crudely shape himself into something that might be worthy of forgiveness, of love, slipping away all too fast – sand into the bottom of an hourglass.

But it's different this time. It has to be.

He slips his hand into Dazai’s, where it had been resting at his side, and tries to curl their fingers together.

“Dazai,” Ango says, “I – it means nothing, I know. But for what it’s worth – I’m sorry.”

Dazai’s hand remains still and unmoving.

“I knew you would be angry,” Ango keeps trying, all the same. “That I had had dealings with the Port Mafia again, even indirectly. I knew that you would question me about it and that there would be certain answers I could not give, even to you. I wasn’t…” He takes a deep breath, here, the flinch before the inevitable pain of the honesty. “I wasn’t prepared for that conversation. And so I avoided it, like a coward. You are right to be angry. I do not blame you for that.”

Dazai stays silent. Ango isn't sure if there's a light of hope in his eyes or if it's the shine of unshed tears. Somehow he isn't as shocked by the idea of Dazai crying as he perhaps ought to be.

So many people think of Dazai as a cold machine, especially anyone who knew him in the mafia, but Dazai feels. Of course he does. That's Ango's whole issue. It’s only that... well. Used to being on the receiving end of nothing but Dazai's anger, his petty bitterness, Ango had allowed himself to forget that the man is capable of so much more.

“I did promise you that I would do better by you this time, when we began this,” Ango says, “And I… didn’t wholly live up to that, I don’t think. We should have had a conversation about that meeting. I should have known it would hurt you.”

Dazai shakes his head. “You find it too easy to fake it, still. Am I wrong?”

Ango sighs. Lets his shoulders drop heavily. “Maybe. Are you a saint, yourself? Do you ever drop your masks around your new agency friends? Do they know how many you’ve killed?”

Dazai is quiet for a moment. Ango wonders if he’s struck too deep of a nerve, if those tears are still stinging in Dazai’s half-lidded eyes. He does not let go of Dazai’s stubborn hand.

“I also swore to you that I would be better,” Dazai says hoarsely, “That I would let my anger lie, in the interest of building something new.”

Ango runs his thumb over Dazai’s bony knuckles. “That you did.”

Slowly, ever so slowly, Dazai’s fingers intersect with his.

Ango gives Dazai’s hand a tentative squeeze, as gentle as though his very bones were glass.

“That's exactly why I'm talking to you right now,” Dazai continues, “And not making arrangements for a bomb hoax at your apartment block.”

“Am I supposed to thank you for that?” Ango remarks dryly. To his quiet delight, that makes Dazai giggle. His eyes squeeze tightly shut when he laughs, and the tears gather in the wrinkle of skin at the corners.

“There's my Ango,” Dazai says softly, and oh, god, lovingly. It makes Ango dizzy.

It's confusing.

“What... what do you mean by that?”

“Well,” Dazai says, “Before you insisted on torturing yourself every time you looked at my face – and believe me, I know I pushed you into it, you don't need to remind me – you were quite unashamedly funny with me, in a disparaging sort of way. I'd missed that wit.” 

“Disparaging?” Ango remembers what Dazai means. Oda would meet Dazai's weirdness head on, and Ango was always the foil for their antics, the one who played it straight. None of it feels real, now. If not for Dazai standing in front of him with the same shared memory, Ango could be convinced it was only something he saw in some tragic play, and not something that he lived. It hurts to remember, still, a broken bone that healed wrong and aches in the cold. “You... liked that?”

“Was it really not obvious at the time?” Dazai's expression turns genuinely thoughtful. “You and he were the breath of fresh air I needed. My reality check when I was at my most insane. I thought it was clear that I worshipped you both.”

Ango suddenly finds it very hard to swallow. “No,” he says, with some difficulty, “I only recall seeing... how you felt for him. And... my own guilt, I think. Whenever you smiled at me I only thought of how I'd have to leave you.”

Neither of them can say his name out loud, even now. They tiptoe around the borders of grief, trying to grow something new from the rot within. Flowers pushing through cold concrete in an abandoned lot. 

“You have always held me at arm's length, haven't you?” Dazai says. Ango can't run away from that accusation, not when he's this close, this tangled up with him.

“I suppose I have,” Ango replies, a touch breathless.

Dazai closes what little distance is left between them and presses their foreheads together, cupping Ango's face with his free hand. Dazai has grown taller, Ango notices, and he has to look up now to see into those pretty dark eyes.

“You can let me in, you know,” Dazai tells him. “For fuck's sake, I gave you my heart, didn't I? Literally. I trust you. I hate that I do, I hate that I still need you, but you have to let yourself need me too or this all falls apart.”

“I do need you,” Ango cries out, squeezing Dazai's hand tighter this time. “I need you too much, that's the problem. I'm...” God, he feels flayed raw by all this. It's too much honesty for two men who make their living in lies. “I'm too afraid of losing you, after everything I've done.”

“Then stop pushing me away,” Dazai says. “Just because – what, you think you aren’t deserving of my affection? Because you’re afraid of the intimacy of letting me see the real you? Forget all that, just forget it.” He drops Ango’s hand and grabs his face with both hands. Deliriously, Ango notes the way Dazai’s smallest finger reaches all the way around to the back of his neck. Had his hands always been so big? “Listen. I know I can be… difficult. I know I can be an asshole. But just – let me have you, you fucker. And let me keep you.”

Let me keep you. Those words set something wild loose in Ango’s heart, something that flails and scratches and stings.

You could have this, it wails, rattling the bars of his ribcage. He wants you to stay.

“Dazai,” Ango says, softly. He tilts his head, leaning into Dazai’s touch. He can’t always tell when the man is being sincere – Oda had a knack for it that Ango never quite grasped – but he drops his pretences often enough around Ango now that he thinks he’s starting to see through them. “Don’t be cruel. Are you teasing me?”

“No,” Dazai answers, looking straight into Ango’s eyes, and the truth in it is so clear that it burns; like lake ice in your palm, a shot of vodka in your throat.

Ango feels it prickle in his skin, his hair, his tongue. He reaches up to curl his hand around Dazai’s wrist, feels the rough gauze of bandages under his fingertips.

Dazai’s lips part to take a breath – and Ango kisses him.

Sharing kisses is not new to them, of course. They began their quiet affair shortly before Dazai’s stint in prison, and continued it without pause after he got out. They have exchanged many kisses, spent many nights in each other’s embrace, but this – this is softer.

Pure, somehow, if that were something either of them were allowed to be.

Dazai pulls Ango closer, arms enfolding him, and Ango falls deeper into it, his hands circling around Dazai’s slim waist, his pretty waist –

It’s a lot. Ango starts to pull away first, still a little unsure, offering Dazai the space to back out.

Dazai, though, drags him back in, hands tangling in his hair, an unequivocal I want you. It’d be kind of an asshole move in any other scenario, but much like most things Dazai does nowadays, it’s an asshole move for the greater good, which means it’s allowed to fly.

Ango spreads his hands flat against Dazai’s chest, as though he means to push him away but knows he won’t. This embrace is all-encompassing, safe in its completeness, Dazai’s tongue tracing the edges of Ango’s teeth; his older, stronger hands cradling Ango’s head.

Dazai’s chest is broader, now, too, than Ango ever remembers it being back then – not that he’d held Dazai like this, in those days. He’d kept him at arm’s length, just like Dazai had said.

Not now. Not this time. Trial and error and trial and error and trial and fucking error it may take, but god damn it, Ango wants to make this work. For the sake of whatever shared legacy the two of them have left, and whatever shared future they might be able to build with the sheer force of this kiss.

Dazai is kissing him so hungrily, so fervently, and in the harsh press of his lips and hands Ango feels a sort of mirror image, the same stubborn need that burns in his own heart.

As soon as I want something it is lost to me? Not this time. Not again.

When they finally draw apart, it’s as one, in a single-minded and mutual exhale of breath.

They’re nose to nose. Dazai’s dark eyes are the colour of whiskey on a polished oak bar.

Kisses aren’t new to them – but kisses that feel like a promise? Kisses that are warm and genuine and offered up in totality alongside a bared soul?

Ango’s heartbeat hums in his throat, behind his soft, wry smile. “Does this mean you’re thinking of forgiving me?”

“Forgiving you?” Dazai almost laughs. “Forgiveness is… complicated. It’s not something I put much stock in, anyway.”

“Then what do you put stock in?”

“The now,” Dazai answers simply. “The present moment, and the people in it.”

“How can you?” Ango says, forlornly. It’s halfway between an accusation and a plea for understanding. How, when our past is such an all-swallowing shadow, the mire that we pushed through to make ourselves who we are?

“Don’t misunderstand me,” Dazai says quickly. “I do not forget. I refuse to. I remember the way things were, and the way they ended.”

Something in the sharp and stubborn way he says it… maybe Dazai, too, is beginning to lose the edges of the memories to time. How, exactly, did Oda’s hair fall in his face again? Ango recalls that his voice sounded different after an hour in a smoky bar, but was it deeper? Scratchier? The details are indistinct, a photograph half-developed, like trying to find the shape of the horizon with the sun in your eyes.

 I do not forget. Even now, Dazai is lying, in a way. But it’s a small lie, one Ango will allow him to keep; to hold close in the secretive dark.

“Still,” Dazai says. He takes a breath in, and seems to centre himself again. He doesn’t bother with the happy-go-lucky fake smile, the one that barely even hides the outline of his pain, a thin veneer of paint over scratches in the walls. He knows that Ango knows that he hurts. “You know, I always think it’s bullshit when someone says oh, but it’s what they would have wanted. About someone who’s dead. You don’t know that, and you can’t very well ask ‘em. But, I do… very firmly believe… that us, well, trying – trying to make something newer and cleaner and better, and rebuilding it as many times as it takes because hell knows we’re fucked up people but we want to make it as good as we can get it, and it’s not because we feel like we need atonement but because we just… want to. I think…” He has to quietly pause to take a breath, and Ango understands. Sincerity is a weed, a sick and tangled thing that grows too fast. It makes you choke on the truth.

“I think he’d like that,” Dazai says eventually. “Do you… disagree?”

“You really don’t think he’d still resent me?”

“I do not,” Dazai says, and backs up his point with a kiss to Ango’s forehead. “He was not the same as me. He was better with... forgiveness, and things of that ilk; although not perfect - nobody is. But like I say. I don’t know, not for sure. That’s just something you gotta carry with you.”  

Ango huffs a weary sigh, and leans forward, using Dazai’s shoulder to rest his head. “I know,” he says into the lapel of Dazai’s coat. The tan one – Ango knows why he chose that colour. He wonders if anyone else does, or if he alone gets to share that soft and fragile part of Dazai’s soul.

“I know you know,” Dazai replies.

“Don’t be so damn smug.”

“I’m not.” He rolls his eyes. “It wasn’t like that. I meant to say that… you know. I get it.”

“You don’t do guilt,” Ango accuses him.

“Not really.” Dazai’s smile is pained. Not for the first time, Ango wonders if sometimes he wishes he felt more than he does. If he has ever wanted to atone for his crimes, for his brutality. “But I understand it. And I understand… the circumstances of it.”

Ango is still leaning on Dazai’s shoulder, and Dazai has to twist his head sideways to awkwardly press a kiss to Ango’s cheek. It ends up halfway on his ear, but that’s okay. They’re trying.

“You carry your pain,” Dazai says, “And I’ll carry mine. And that way we’re in it together – sort of.”

“Is this your version of empathy?”

Dazai shrugs. The motion half-dislodges Ango’s glasses. “Take it or leave it.”

Ango straightens up, looks Dazai in the eye. “I’ll take it,” he says, “For better or for worse.”

“For better, I hope,” Dazai says in a whisper so soft Ango can’t even be certain he meant to say it out loud.

“Yeah,” Ango says, “I’d like to think we tend towards the better, now.”

Dazai kisses him again, and the softest wingbeats of a fledgling hope start to flutter in his lungs.

Better this time, they said. We’ll do better this time.

[frodo-with-glasses]

More Reading Thoughts: A Long-Expected Party

There’s something so incredibly endearing about the slow, meandering beginning of LotR.

Even today—in a day and age when every author tries to grab you by the eyeballs in the first five words—Tolkien’s writing still has that gentle, irresistible draw that takes you by the hand and leads you slowly but surely into adventure. Something about a “birthday party of special magnificence” just appeals to all our inner children, I think; and the tiny mysteries, and the joy of a world of fantastical creatures living in peace and comfort, just adds to that. You want to go to Middle Earth, and you want to get lost in it. It’s like a lazy river at a water park; you wade in, get settled, and relax, and the next thing you know you’re far away from where you started.

All of that to say, Tolkien’s writing is goals and I aspire to be even a fraction of what this man was someday.

Anyway. To the bullet points!

Isn’t it hilarious how quick people are to begrudge one another their good fortune?? If Bilbo had been poor and died in a timely manner his neighbors would probably have liked him just fine, but he gets a lot of wealth and lives a long time and all the hobbits go >:-(

They’re not wrong to be suspicious, of course, but it’s still a biting social commentary. And very funny!

“As Mr. Baggins was generous with his money, most people were willing to forgive him his oddities and his good fortune.” 🤣

“You should come live with me so we can celebrate our birthday parties more comfortably together” belongs in the same category as C. S. Lewis’ “and they got so used to arguing that they married each other to keep doing it more conveniently”

“And suddenly, all the old people found that everyone actually WANTED to hear their rambling stories!”

GAFFER GAMGEE MY BELOVED

Hobbits are all so terribly prejudiced. What endearing morons.

Ooh, confirmation that Bilbo and Frodo look similar!

“There never was much to tell of him! … Till he was drownded.” “DROWNDED??”

I love that the only things we know about Drogo Baggins are that he was unremarkable and fat and married a strange woman

The Gaffer: “Thank goodness Mr. Bilbo saved young Mr. Frodo from those strange, dastardly Bucklanders…”

Meanwhile, Merry feels his eye Twitch and doesn’t know why 🤣

The spelling of jewels as “jools” is adorable for reasons I can’t describe

Tiny Gaffer Gamgee saw Bilbo come home from his Adventure!!

The Gaffer’s words are strangely prophetic. Sam did indeed land in trouble that was bigger than him—and thank goodness he did.

The Gaffer basically says here “if generosity is being strange, we could do with a lot more strangeness!” and honestly that’s a motto I want to live by

I love that Sam is most likely the one who started the rumor about the fireworks X-D

I wish we’d gotten to see the Dwarves visiting Bag End in the movies. It’s a shame they were cut. Imagine what cool costumes they could have had!

“G for grand!” and Gandalf’s smile. Ugh, my heart 🥹

Pity that September 22nd fell on a Friday this year. We were so close to it being a Thursday, like in the book! Oh well. Try again another year, I guess X-D

Are small business owners grumbling about your purchases from foreign parts?? Here’s an easy solution! Just BUY OUT THE STOCK OF EVERYONE FOR MILES AROUND IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS

Also the fact that the post offices are absolutely flooded 🤣 Bilbo, you madlad

“Old Gaffer Gamgee stopped even pretending to work on his garden” LOL

The brief paragraph of NOOO BAD WEATHER THE DAY BEFORE THE PARTY is honestly spectacular. It’s so nerve-wracking for just a second there—which is hilarious in light of the war and death and GIANT SPIDERS we’re going to read about. I think it has a flavor of Tolkien’s beliefs on eucatastrophe hidden in there—it’s not out of Bilbo’s own effort that the weather cleared up just in time for his party, it was just happy providence—but I’m too tired to write an essay about it right now.

“Half the Shire’s been invited…and the rest of them are turning up anyway!”

The hobbits who came through the gate again to get a second present 🤣🤣🤣

“The hobbit-children were so excited that for a while they almost forgot about eating.” That’s impressive!!

I love that some of the toys are dwarven-made. That’s such a cool detail that makes the world seem both fantastical (because dwarves!) and real (because you can Amazon order toys from them!) at the same time.

The names of the fireworks!! Especially the ones that are onomatopoeia, like “backarappers”! It just makes brain go ✨✨✨

Pfffft, yellow rain

There’s the express train reference!

Notable difference here: in the movies, the big dragon firework was set off ahead of schedule by Merry and Pippin, and all the hobbits freak out. In the book, the big dragon firework is set off right on time to signal supper, and all the hobbits freak out (but are immediately pacified by food).

Small detail I’d like to see in more fanfics: “Bilbo had been specializing in food for many years, and his table had a high reputation.” Yes, the idea of Bilbo and Frodo eating like the bachelors they are is hilarious, BUT! We have textual evidence to the contrary! I don’t know if this line means that Bilbo was a magnificent cook himself or simply hired magnificent cooks, but either way, it’s canon that the Bag End bachelors ate like kings!

“The feast was so incredible that everyone was incredibly full and took home leftovers and no one bought any new groceries for weeks. The good news is that Bilbo had bought out all the grocery stores anyway, so it was fine.”

Why is the detail about the golden buttons on Bilbo’s waistcoat so enchanting to me?? I really think this chapter just activates the Inner Child Mode in my brain, and suddenly even something as simple as shiny buttons becomes beautiful and magical. Also it’s just a lovely way to paint a vivid picture in my mind.

I’m so glad they kept so many of the jokes in Bilbo’s speech for the movies 🤣 “PROUDFEET!!”

And now here we see Tolkien, author of the fantasy epic that has defined the genre for a century and counting, unironically using caps lock. Folks, you can’t make this crap up.

The sneaky way Tolkien says Bilbo vanished before he mentions the flash of light is Very Good and hints at the fact that there’s something else at work here

Rory Brandybuck is the G.O.A.T.

“But at the same time he felt deeply troubled: he realized suddenly that he loved the old hobbit dearly.” Aww, Frodo…

Incredible that the debate between Bilbo and Gandalf over the Ring takes up almost four pages, but it doesn’t feel like it. Excellent suspense.

I wonder where Gandalf is going “to bed”. It doesn’t look like he’s staying in Bag End, so did he get a room at an inn somewhere? Is he sleeping in his cart??

Also it’s implied later in the book that Gandalf the White doesn’t sleep. Inconsistency?? A slight untruth?? Secret powerup to Gandalf the White that we’ve overlooked??

“The sun rose. The hobbits rose rather later.” Pffft

The SHADE in all the presents oh my WORD

Except for the ones for the poorer hobbits. Bilbo’s gift for the Gaffer is so simple in its contents, and yet so generous and thoughtful 🥹

MERRY MY LAD

MY FAVORITE HOBBIT (don’t tell the others)

How old would Merry have been here?? Like nineteen?? Incredible that he was already such a logistics guy that Frodo trusted him to keep an eye on the house while all the chaos is happening.

“Do you hear that, Merry? That was an insult, if you like.” “It was a compliment, and so, of course, not true.” HAHAHAHA DRAG HIM MERRY

“IF YOU DON’T LET ME IN, FRODO, I SHALL BLOW YOUR DOOR RIGHT DOWN YOUR HOLE AND OUT THROUGH THE HILL” 🤣🤣🤣

Frodo: “I’m so sorry, I thought you were Lobelia!” Gandalf: “Understandable, have a nice day”

“I would give them Bag End and everything else, if I could get Bilbo back and go off tramping in the country with him.” N’aww, Frodoooo 😭

“Look out for me, especially at unlikely times!” Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect.…

“Frodo did not see him again for a long time.” Ooh, ominous.

[vocalhitches]

7, 13, 19 for the ask meme, or feel free to do others if you’ve already answered those! -w1ngxd

thanks for the ask! these were really fun to answer!! ☺️

7. What is your dream scenario, either to read / see or hear / watch in real time?

honestly… sick sex. being sneezed on while getting intimate with a sick lover is something i can fantasize over and over and never get tired of ❤️

13. What snz-adjacent things do you love?

kleenex boxes with growing piles of used tissues beside them; thermometers poking out of pouting lips; oversized hoodies and blanket cocoons… can you tell i love the Sick Aesthetic

19 . What would you like to see more of, and are you trying to promote / add more of that into the community?

lately i’ve become more and more comfortable with being the person to bite the bullet and post content (specifically art from myself personally) of characters that aren’t otherwise given much attention in the snzblr sphere. so i guess being more unashamed about liking unpopular characters and being bold enough to make art/fics of them is something i’m proud to push myself to do! if there’s a perfect place to unlearn shame i suppose a niche kink community is it! and if i can make other ppl more comfortable embracing their love for less popular characters/media that would be awesome too, lol!

[sprinklesandshatters]

A Review on NCT 127′s 3rd Album <Sticker>

So NCT 127 just came back with their 3rd Full Album <Sticker> and this is my first 127 comeback since I became a fan last year! Neozone is such a special album for me as it was their first album that I explored entirely. I've known NCT as the group who never fails any expectations so I've kept mine up although I know they'll exceed it anyway. And guess what, they did! I absolutely love their new album hence this review~

This isn't a technical music review—as I am not a musician myself—but rather a listener's honest takes, goofy notes, and interpretation on each of the tracks in the album. I admit I've also struggled to build my own opinions on some of the tracks until I listened to them over and over again.

I have also heard there are mixed opinions on the title track <Sticker> and a lot says it's another acquired taste. But I think it's not just that, as it can be a grower, just like how most of NCT's songs were for me. Maybe after a few listens and a right passage of time, it will grow on those people. The bottom line here is, I like it a lot! 😛

So I listed down the songs according to their respective track numbers and followed each with a bulleted list of my opinions and interpretations.

(Viewer/reader discretion: before you continue, minors, do not interact as there are few 18+ contents under the cut. Thank you.)

1. Sticker

THEY DIDN'T JUST PUNCH A NEW NOTCH ON THE BELT LIKE THAT

THIS SONG SLAPS, LITERALLY SLAPS… AND WHIPS 

The recorder at the intro boyyyy I thought something was wrong but then I remember it’s NCT lmao

It already stuck in my head from my first listen from the Instagram audio.

With Taeyong opening the verse with his divine rapping, I knew I'm in for a new ride.

STICK-UH STICK-UGH STICK-UGHGHGH

To those complaining it sounding like noise music, imagine it sounding generic. I don't think it would fit as the title track. Not a b-track or in their repertoire, even. They are called NCT because they define the NEO in the music culture and music technology!

It honestly was an unorthodox, just like all of their title tracks, which I’m inherently here for.

Literally, no one does it like them!

The growls and the vocal flexes and adlibs! (You can tell it has Yoo Youngjin's brand.)

The crisp metronome sound that’s consistently ticking except for the pre-chorus and the dance break adds depth to the soundscape. I love how it’s used instead of the usual snaps.

The production quality blew my mind. Like how can someone think those melodies would sound so exquisite? CAN I CALL THEM GENIUS?

The piano at the back, oh my God—Yes! It adds this mystifying element to the song.

I'm not sure if it's a midi violin at the pre-chorus, but it added thrill to the song. It was a great transition from the bass line in the verses to the combination of the flawless harmony with the same instrumental.

"You treat me like a boy, like a grown-up child chasing a dream" JUNGWOO BABY NO MORE HUH

Taeil, Doyoung, and Haechan—the bridge vocal trinity!

But why the heck are they cowboys? I dig the concept, but why? LMAO

BTW GUNSLINGER MARK I’M ON MY KNEES YEEHAW

This is easily one of my favorite tracks from NCT 127's entire discography 💚

2. Lemonade

(⌐■_■)

Jaehyun starting off this song with his deep voice eee

The song opens to a verse oozing with chill confidence. They're like, yeah you're lurking because we’re cool.

This is such a huge slap to their haters. NCT's not chillin' like a villain, nah they're the main characters!

Well maybe they’re villains, but still ya not cooler than them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Funny enough how they could have just referred haters as simply lemons whose sour/bitter to the taste, but 127 squad's success is sweeter than all the haters' spiteful remarks so yeah, SIPPY SIPPY LEMONADE 🧃

"WOOF"

I might have just barked too wOW

Yuta’s vocals hooooO his voice just sounds so glamorous mhmm

Also Mark referencing their previous title tracks such as: Firetruck, Cherry Bomb, and Regular (it's Irregular in the lyrics) in his rap part 👌💅

I just love Mark's energy when he raps. HE RESOLUTELY BITES AND STRAIGHT UP EATS EVERY TIME HE DOES.

3. Breakfast

Now breakfast time, oh jeez!

AAAHAHFU—

Summer 127's bestie!

If Summer 127 talks about dancing all night long, Breakfast is the morning after.

You know what it is.

"Even if I gulp and drink you, it's not enough for me." oho Taeyong no you ha—STOP

Sexual innuendos aside, isn't it just sweet if someone tells you they'd want to have breakfast with you every day?  Okay maybe I'm melting at the thought 😩🙈💞

And I can see myself dancing to this song as I make breakfast (in the afternoon or at midnight bc I’m crazy)

This was an okay b-track for me at the first skim on the album, but boy it grew on me wildly.

Honestly one of my favorite tracks in this album.

4. Focus

Did I just invade a private call? LMAO

The analog voice filters make it like so.

Dude, this feels intimate in the level of eavesdropping a phone call between seasoned lovers. Then you realize you hear them whispering their kinks over the line and you're ooh, that's sexy! hfgklhfhf

My first listen to this, I almost went feral because,

"I can't wait to eat you…" when it's actually "I can't wait 'til we chill…" aahaha

"Baby call me when you want me." OKAY!

This sounds relaxing and chill. I'd love to play this on a late night drive or just before bed time along with Fly Away With Me, Sun & Moon, My Youth, and Long Flight.

Belongs to ‘make out session’ playlist  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

That was lowkey a playlist recommendation, huh?

I'd be kidding if I don't say I could touch myself while listening to this song AHAHAFGHFJFJ

I didn't know this would grow on me this much lol I love love LOVE THIS!

5. The Rainy Night

Ooh, the holy melancholy!

Piano at the intro—I knew I'd cry to this.

This song isn't just about break-up, but the heartbreak after one.

The yearning; the remnant pieces from the shattering of what was once there.

I think I crumbled from this one.

This hit so hard I felt like I fit in the shoes with the lyrics throughout the entire song.

What’s fascinating is I clearly forgot the title when I mentally said this sounds like a sad rainy day song from the first listen.

Something I’d turn up when it suddenly rains, just because I want to feel the blues.

Taeil and Haechan singing in lower register? I wanna cry :( they’re just one of the best vocalists in K-music industry right now.

Could have been also nice if they added Yuta to the vocals.

"My selfish heart who waits for you to come back," OKAY WHO HURT THEM?

And the fact that they sang it so good that it translated every ounce of the emotions well even before I looked up for English translations is the reason why I love this song too.

6. Far

Hmm… What the hell?! Do I like this? Wait...

Alright!

The jumpy vibe from the first verse to the pre-chorus set the mood for this song. It sounds merry and heavy. It was honestly too much to take until I’ve reached the chorus part.

Honestly, I think this song could fit NCT Dream better, as it gives off a vibe similar to Hello Future's b-tracks. If some credible source say this could have made HF’s track list, I might believe you too fast.

Also Dream’s Deja Vu where they go na nananananana na na na~

Playful yet confident! That’s what I mean!

As usual, the vocals are insane! Vocal flex from left to right!

I swear Jungwoo sounded a bit like Taemin at the second verse that I had to replay it hahaha

I love hearing Johnny as a vocalist! SM, how many signs do you need until you utilize his vocal talent???

Taeil's part where he sings, "go nuts, go nuts, 'til we go bust, go bust" IDEK BUT I SNORTED A LAUGH AT FIRST LISTEN HFCAHKFHK

Not my favorite, but still great though!

But wait it’s actually stuck in my head???

7. Bring The Noize

Yes, they never beat those noise music allegations

HERE'S SOME NOIZE, BITCHES

I love me some noisy percussions. AND THE BASS YO

This screams so much confidence!

The build up from the pre-chorus to the chorus—FIRE!

This song reminds me a lot of SuperM's Super Car, especially with the engine roar samples and the battle cry-like singing at the chorus.

JAEHYUN RAPPING? You mean Jaehyun the visual, the vocalist, the actor, the model, the funny dude, aka my everything?! (markie bb look pls look away for a moment)

THEY DELIVERED IT STRAIGHT FROM NEOCITY THAT'S SOME NCT MUSIC RIGHT THERE NO ONE DOES IT LIKE THEM

When I said I'd play Focus on a late night drive, and if I add this in the playlist, VROOM VROOM SPEED LIMIT WHAT

OUTTA MY WAY

“We got no shame” ouh TAEYONG’S FLOW IS JUST VERY HIM AND HE’S IN A LEAGUE OF HIS OWN

You know what's so clever about this song? It's how it ended with Mark's final rap without any instrumental, leaving you  standing there with a doppler effect-like post experience.

A super car on a super speed just whooshed past you and you look its way as it zips through the road. It's gone in an instant but you're floored dumbfounded at a sidewalk. That's how I describe this song.

8. Magic Carpet Ride

This song… Wow. Oh gosh it's so beautiful.

Their harmony in the chorus—it makes me want to kiss someone so passionately that I'd cry.

This makes me want to feel love that transcends the universe. Literally, just please take me on a magic carpet ride :(

The background harmonies too oh my goodness—HEAVENLY.

Jaehyun's voice is so warm and soulful it fits perfectly with songs of this genre.

Okay alright Doyoung Grande!

And Taeil makes me feel like I'm listening to old school R&B.

The first time I heard this from the track video, I can't stop replaying because it's just that great.

This makes me want to love. I think that sums it up.

9. Road Trip

This is such a soothing song for me, especially how I easily become nostalgic thinking about the road trips I've had.

Whenever I listen to this, my brain immediately conjures up thoughts of my ideal getaways. Gazing at the sky through the car window, stirring up from a nap in the middle of the ride, and   eventually reaching your destination.

Oh, to travel around anywhere... (curse you covid-19)

Okay that's it. I'M PACKING UP.

But where do I go—

I could also imagine Mark playing this on the guitar and the other members sing along together, something like that.

Just Wholesome™ vibes.

I love how it evokes such a nice emotion within me effortlessly.

This isn't my favorite, but I still love this.

10. Dreamer

Eyyyy such a refreshing song!

This song is so bright it makes me want to dance. I play this first in the shower!

It reminds me so much of Elevator (from Neozone)

The horns make it more lively I think!

Yuta and Jungwoo's voice suits lively songs like this.

The background vocal in low register in Taeyong's part in the first verse is so good ahhfhf

Taeil, the R&B vocal king you are...

There's this part where Doyoung and Johnny harmonized, that at first listen they seemed to clash, but it sounded actually fine after a few listens. Maybe it's just that I've never heard them do it before.

And I think it's Doyoung's laugh at the end of the bridge? Oh my goodness I really love this too!

11. Promise You

MY FIRST LOVE AND MOST FAVORITE SONG IN THE ALBUM!!!

The first time I heard this from their NCIT Sharehouse Sitcom, I fell in love with the song already.

It sounds like something you'd feel from a warm, welcoming hug.

The lyrics are so beautiful and endearing. It's definitely a be-there-for-you type of song that will touch your heart.

It definitely sounds like a promise.

A song about platonic intimacy.

This really fits to be the closing song of the album. It's like the end of it but holds a promise that says “see you soon.”

Because they cherish their fans like that.

It's also like I've watched a movie with a happy ending, where the camera pans up to the clear sky and this song starts playing.

Speaking of ending, I would love to hear them sing this as an encore stage in their concert. You know, that moment just before the stage lights die down at the end of the concert where they send final blows of flying kisses to NCTzens. Then you come home smiling and crying.

This wasn't supposed to be this long since I originally planned to write this with just simple phrases and emojis but I got too engrossed lol. I also meant to include my own ratings but I figured it’s pointless since I can’t really decide about them hahaha

I really enjoyed the whole album and I love how they're progressively defining what NEO means by breaking through standards. It's not NCT music if it doesn't make you say "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" But then you realize it’s stuck in your head and you’re enjoying it already.

✨ OVERALL RATING: 127/10 💚

if you’ve reached until here, thank you for letting me share you a braincell or two 💞

[joanofarchetype]

A Connecticut Yankee...a kid...that's all well and good but we really don't talk enough about the werewolf in King Arthur's court

This is not a shitpost — in Le Morte D'Arthur, Sir Thomas Malory makes mention of "Sir Marrok, the good knight that was betrayed with his wyf, for she made hym seven yere a wer-wolf". Of course, Malory lifted the tale of the werewolf knight straight outta "Bisclavret," which is one of the Twelve Lais of Marie de France. And it is...wild. There's also "Melion," an anonymous Breton lai which along with "Biclarel" is believed to have evolved from the same source as "Bisclavret". In this post we're gonna refer to the protagonist as the "knight" or the "wolf-knight" and tell a somewhat composite tale.

(A note: this takes place well before commonly established werewolf lore, which crystallized thanks to Universal's The Wolf Man. Curt Siodmak wrote all that stuff about the full moon and silver bullets in 1941 so well that our common imagination accepted it as ancient fact.)

So anyway our guy is a knight who disappears for a couple nights a week and his wife is like ?????? dude ??????? where ??? do you ???? go ??????

And my dude is like "babe I love you but I can't tell you because you won't look at me the same" and she's like "I am your wIFE you better tell me right quick or otherwise have a good nose for almonds in your oatmeal" (jk she doesn't say that because if she did he might've gotten a little foreshadowing of her treachery, but alas, our man was a sucker)

So the knight tells her he's a werewolf, and on the nights he disappears he's wolfing around the countryside and his wife is like !!!!!!!!!! on the inside but makes sure her face is only 🤔 on the outside

(Mind you, Marie de France goes into how the wife is grossed out because she shared her marriage bed with a beast, which has some interesting implications but we'll get to those later)

She starts digging about his transformation until he explains how in order to return to his human shape, he *needs* to put his human clothes back on or else he'll be stuck as a wolf, at which point wifey is 👀👀👀👀

Wifey's like, "but if ur in wolf form, how do u remember where u put ur clothes lol" and the knight's like, "no no, I retain my human mind even in wolf form and besides, I always put them under this one rock outside this cave"

now bear in mind he's never been able to talk about this to anyone so he's pouring his heart out about his deepest secret which he kept even from his wife & I know we're all pretty used to medieval repression but imagine how it must have felt to share this secret at long last 😥

So to recap:

knight: 🤵🏻🛡🐾🌕🐺🤫😅😍♥️💐 wifey: 👰🏼💭🤢🤔👀🧐💡💡👔💍🔪🔪🔪

Our knight is like "yeah so I was born this way and it's just a part of who I am and whew it's kind of a relief to finally be talking about it with someone"

Wifey nods along 🤔🤔🤔 because she's had a💡moment and is 🍳 up a plan...

so the knight has unleashed (pun intended) his secret for the first time in this life and is feeling just dandy, but what he doesn't know is his wife is already plotting his downfall with her...LOVER (dun dun dunnn)

wifey & her secret lover steal the knight's clothes when he's transformed, essentially trapping him in wolf form, get him declared dead in absentia, marry each other & take over his lands

and the royal court goes for this because at this point the whole kingdom knows about the knight's habit of disappearing for days at a time (because medieval nobles are messy gossipy bitches who live for that drama) so they just assume he abandoned her

*~*ONE YEAR LATER*~* (or if you're Malory, *~*SEVEN YEARS LATER*~*)

the king & hunting party corner the wolf-knight in the woods. knight is overwhelmed at the sight of his monarch & runs up to what for all he knows might be his oblivion to kiss king's feet at which point king's like, "THAT'S NO ORDINARY WOLF. HE SHALL JOIN MY COURT IMMEDIATELY."

the wolf-knight goes to live at court where he's basically regarded as a knight (so the takeaway from this part of the lai is that a literal wild animal had a better chance of becoming a knight in ye olden days than a peasant or a woman but I digress)

anyway so there's a celebration at court and who comes to the party but the ex-wifey's new husband, now a baron. understandably, the wolf-knight does NOT react well and attacks him, and the reaction of everyone at court at this near-mauling isn't to say "whoa whoa maybe bringing a wolf to court was a bad idea" but rather "huh, this wolf has never been hostile towards a human before so obviously this guy must've personally wronged him." which is...progressive.

so the new husband/baron/co-conspirator is all "wtf keep it away from me" and the king is like "idk man, what were you wearing? maybe you smelled like royal beef jerky at the time. seems like you were asking for it"

king & the other barons take wolf-knight to the new baron's property. they just need to figure out what's going on because they're not ready to take sir wolf to his final veterinary visit, u feel? they're attached. now get ready for this next part because it's a doozy.

ex-wifey hears about the king's visit so she's waiting with gifts & cakes & shit. the wolf-knight sees her & immediately BITES OFF HER NOSE & he bites it so good her progeny can feel it & henceforth all her descendants are — I SHIT YOU NOT — born noseless. talk about losing face.

under questioning (*cough cough* torture *cough*) the wife admits to her crimes & yields the stolen clothing, which they put in front of the wolf & he just stares at them until they realize "wow yeah sorry dude our bad" and leave the room to give him privacy

when they see the wolf-knight again he's in his human form and in Marie de France's "Bisclavret" it's expressly written that the king embraces him in the bedchamber and gives him "many kisses" (hashtag heterosexual friends doing heterosexual things)

the king restores the wolf-knight's lands and ex-wifey has to live with her ex-baron in exile, forever marked for her betrayal. some real Mark of Cain shit. (obviously this lai has a lot to say about spousal dissatisfaction but that’s another day’s dissertation)

the wolf-knight (Bisclavret, or Melion, or Marrok, or Sir Wolf or whatever you fancy calling him) not only regains his good name, but also the support of a court which now knows his secret dual nature.

something to be hated or feared, only understood and accepted. no one at court shuns him once the secret's out & no one tries to change or "heal" him of his lycanthropy.

remember when I said we'd come back to the wife's reaction? in "Bisclavret" Marie de France specifically states that upon finding out his secret, the wife no longer wishes to "lie beside him." let's unpack that a bit by exploring similar themes across folklore.

the marriage bed serves as a common motif in tales of animal transformation. ex: in "Beauty and the Beast," the protagonist has to overcome her revulsion towards her suitor's ostensible monstrosity before she can accept his marriage proposal. traditionally these stories with mysterious, beastly husbands who are secretly a true catch serve as an allegory for arranged marriage, designed to help young women process their anxieties about being passed from their father's house to that of a strange new husband.

(we should differentiate these tales from those of an ostensibly appropriate groom who turns out to be a monster in disguise such as "Bluebeard," "Mr. Fox," and "The Robber-Bridegroom," as those deserve a detailed thread of their own but also provide good thematic contrast here)

more often the Beast is kind, patient & gives Beauty the time she needs to the detriment of his own freedom from the curse. once the protagonist gets over her anxiety, she ceases to perceive her groom as just a hulking hairy beast and he can take the shape of a prince at last.

circling back to wolves! in most lore both ancient and modern, werewolves represent something uncontrollable; an animalistic second nature which threatens to literally tear through our well-mannered social façade. "Bisclavret" and its various incarnations don't do that.

if you read "Bisclavret" under a queer critical lens, you can interpret the knight as bisexual; a husband has a secret duality to his nature which he is unable to express in their current social order. significantly, he is born with his lycanthropy rather than being afflicted by the sudden, violent means through which most fictional werewolves are afflicted. it's a part of who he is, and it requires no further explanation or cure.

the wolf-knight finds freedom rather than shame in his lycanthropy, and as a result maintains both honor and control while in wolf form. unlike other famous werewolves, he doesn't function as an expression of tension between the id and the superego.

considering how often wolves are used to imply sexual violence (see also: "Little Red Riding Hood" or its medieval predecessor, "The Grandmother's Tale") this would be a fairly positive portrayal of a bisexual man.

however, his wife doesn't see it that way and is repulsed at the thought of sleeping with him again, so she commits adultery and conspires against him. so really, the crimes in "Bisclavret" have a lot to do with sex, just not sexual violence.

the king's attachment to the wolf & the way he embraces the knight can easily be read as homoerotic. there's absolutely an argument to be made about the normalization of homosocial behavior & male kinship across eras but...two things can be true. either interpretation is valid.

so what we have is a werewolf protagonist — not a villain or tortured anti-hero but an honorable man who isn't made to shed his lycanthropy at the end of the tale (tail). rather, he is accepted by his contemporaries and given a place in society to live as he truly is/ROLL CREDITS

[reminiscing-writer]

Spencer Reid x Reader where she confesses shes always loved him while held at gun point like jj did?? Thank you baby ❣

YES OKAY *clears throat*

WARNING:

References to rape, being held hostage, violence

—————

You were shaking, not from fear, but from the cold of the freezer you were being held hostage in.

Your captor played with the revolver in his hands, and put it to his bottom lip, as if he were thinking, “I’m bored! Come on! Give me a good one!” He exclaimed loudly, his voice booming in the closed room.

“David, there are agents en route, there’s no use in dragging your game out.” Spencer, your fellow partner and captive, spoke up. He was hunched over from a previous fight between him and the unsub, his left eye black and blue, hair disheveled, and cheeks bloody with scratches. Both of you had your hands tied behind your back, and were sat to face one another.

“But, you see,” David Bryce said with a tsk, “the game is what makes the killing even more fun.” He pointed the gun to you, “Tell me a secret.”

You rolled your eyes. You had it with his bullshit game. For the past hour he had just been having you and Spence reveal petty things about yourself. He wasn’t getting anything that satisfied him, and you planned on keeping it that way.

“I’m an alien,” you said, looking at him cocking your head, “bite me.”

Bryce wasn’t having at your smart remark, and hit you with the butt of his gun. Aiming the revolver back at you, he rolled the cylinder and pulled down the hammer, making the bullets make a noise as one fell into the barrel.

“I said,” he growled, “tell me a secret. And make it good,” he walks towards Spence, taking the gun off you. He hits him with the guns butt, causing your friend to fall to side, groaning, with a bloody nose, “or Pretty Boy gets it.”

“Spence! You asshole!” You growled, pulling at the restraints holding you back. He pulled his leg back to kick Spence, when you yelled out, “Fine! I’ll tell you!”

He grimaced at your surrender. Looking at you expectantly, he walked towards you.

“Tell your Prince Charming here about that time in college.” He smirked to you.

Your eyes widened at him, “W-What?” You breathed out quietly.

“You remember, don’t you? With that party girl phase.” He looked at you like a predator with its prey. You could tell he was happy to have stricken a nerve.

You felt as though a wall you had built up around you had crumbled in a matter of seconds. “Please,” you pleaded, shaking your head.

“We haven’t got all day,” he played with him in his hands, “Party Girl.” He smirked.

You clenched your jaw, trying to play a strong character, “It was nothing. I was in college and got wasted at a party.” You avoided eye contact with both your captor and your best friend. Spencer had no idea what you were talking about. He looked at you with confused eyes.

“Oh, come on!” David come towards you, “Don’t make me push it out of you.” He threatened, grabbing your jaw roughly.

You had tried for years to bury this memory, and here you were, at gunpoint, having to relive it, in front of your friend.

You gulped, “I was in college,” you started off quietly, “I was at a party, and had a few too many drinks. My- my boyfriend at the time said he would take me home, but,” you swallowed a lump in your throat, and blinked twice as you felt your chest tighten, “but, instead him and a few of his friends took me into the basement of the house we were in, and they took advantage of me.” You quickly spit out, running through your sentence, like it burned your tongue.

David peered his eyes at you. He squat down in front of you, “How many guys were there?”

You avoided his eyes, “Four.” You whispered. You could feel Spencer’s eyes on you.

“Did they take turns?” He pryed. “Or, just go all at once with you?” You could see a smile on his lips.

“Leave me alone.” You whispered again, your heart beating loudly in your ears.

“I bet your boyfriend didn’t even feel bad about it, did he? He probably knew you liked it.” David wouldn’t budge from in front of you. You clenched your jaw tight, “You did like it, didn’t you?” He grabbed your face to look at him, “You’re just a whore, you probably loved it.”

“Hey!” Spencer called for David’s attention.

You gathered saliva in your mouth, and spit at him, “I said, leave me alone.” You growled.

He slapped you, and grabbed your jaw tightly, “Leave her alone!” You heard Spencer struggle against his restraints.

“You told the police, didn’t you?” David started again, his face inches away from yours, “But they didn’t believe you.”

You stare back at his cold eyes, memories coming back to you. The party, the incident, the pain and betrayal.

David let go of your face, and started to unbutton your top, “Stop,” you pleaded, scooting yourself back, only to have him pull you back front by your collar.

He undoes your bottons, ignoring Spencer’s pleas to leave you alone. You sit completely still, looking down in shame. He runs his hands over the top of your breast, tracing a scar.

“Your boyfriend do this? Because you didn’t want his friends to touch you?” His cold touch stung you.

“When I was twelve, in high school, I was tricked by a girl I liked, to strip down in front of the whole school and I was tied to a goal post!” Spencer cried out, getting David’s attention, finally. “When I was ten, my father left my mother and I, and I’ve been caring for her since.” He starts spitting out secrets, in attempt to drive David away from you.

He fails, as David turns back to you, kissing your neck. You turn your head as far away as you can, and feel your bottom lip quiver, “Please,” you tremble, “leave me alone.”

He backs up, looking at you, eye to eye, “Tell Dr. Reid the one secret you were never planning on revealing.” He wise thriving off your pain and fear.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Tears were streaming down your face and you weren’t even sure when you started crying.

“Tell him you love him.” He whispered quietly, so Spencer couldn’t hear.

You looked down, crying harder at your exposed chest. You knew exactly where this was going. David was satisfied with breaking you, and now, it was the end for you.

You took a shaky deep breath, “Spencer,” you looked at the broken man before you. He had shed a few tears along with your story, and his bloody nose had dried, “I love you.” You admitted sadly.

His hair was matted down to his sweaty forehead, “Y/n, don’t do this, please.” He shook his head.

“I mean it,” You chuckled softly, “I do love you. I have, for a long time. Even though you don’t believe in love at first sight, I think that’s what it was.” You smiled small. “I loved you when you wore your big nerdy glasses, to when you got your boy band haircut. And, I love you now.”

Spencer looked at you dearly.

David came up behind you, and leaned down to your ear, whispering, now loud enough for Spencer to hear, “Do you love him enough to die for him?”

Spencer’s eyes widened, “No,” he whispered in disbelief.

“Yes,” You answer, looking at nothing but Reid.

“No! No, y/n! Don’t!” Spencer cried out, pulling against his ropes.

“Say it.” David said, pulling his gun back into view.

“Yes,” you breathed, “I love Spencer, and I would die for him.”

“Y/n! No! David, please! Stop!” He cried desperately, pulling at his hands with no prevail. You felt the cold barrel of the gun touch the back of your head. Defeated, you shut your eyes, and felt tears run down your cheeks. Spencer was screaming in the corner, also crying, seeing his best friend about to be executed.

There was a thumping on the freezer door, and with a loud bang, simultaneously, the door flew open, and you felt a sharp pain in your chest. You felt yourself fall, face flat, and rolled onto your back, groaning in agonizing pain.

Looking down, you saw two holes in your abdomen. One right by the scar on your breast, and one to the side of your stomach.

You curled into a ball, hoping to ease the pain, but that was useless. The blood ran everywhere, covering the floor beneath you. The team had all entered the room you were in, and Derek and Emily took away a resistant David, while JJ untied Spencer. He ran towards you the instant he was free.

Falling beside you, he took your head into his lap, “Y/n, oh god, y/n, please.” He wiped the hair away from your face, the blood all on his hands, as well as your face. “Just hang on, the medics are here, Hotch is bringing them in.”

Your hands were still tied behind your back, but you nod to his bloody nose with your eyes, “Sorry,” You cough, “that’s on me.” You chuckle lowly.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he apologized, pulling your shirt, to cover your exposed chest, “I’m so sorry, I should’ve been able to talk him down, I-” he rambles.

“Hey, I’m going to be fine, don’t worry.” You say, your eyes dropping. You feel tired, and even colder than before.

“Damn right,” he nodded, sniffling, “You have to. You can’t just die on me after confessing your love like that.” He half smiled.

You copied his crooked smile, “Yeah, you have to make me your girlfriend after this. I took a bullet for you.” You try laughing, but it comes as a cough making you wince in pain.

The EMT comes in, and Spence and the medic undo your bindings and help you onto the stretcher. They get Spence and you into an ambulance- him insisting on staying with you. They sedate you, in order to see the situation and stitch you accordingly.

As your eyes begin to close, and your breathing slows, Spencer takes your hand in his, as an EMT works on a cut on his cheek, “Hey,” he calls for your attention. You turn your head to him, barely nodding, “I love you too.” You shut your eyes, a smile taking its place on your lips.

-

Lol wat was that lmao that was different than expected

[naromoreau]

From the writing prompts. ‘ sit still and let me take a look! ’ For your choice!

Thank you so much for this! This one is my first John Seed/ F!Dep ficlet that turned out into idk what seriously. lol 

Thank you so much to @seedsplease for allow me to use her OC, Levi the peggie in this fic! ____________________________________________

It’d been a bad idea now that she ran her train of thoughts backwards. Attacking Seed Ranch under the moonlight, half-wasted and maybe a bit bliss-highed, under the blurry daydream that everything was just an extension of her Metal Gear Solid campaign was stupid. And it wasn’t even a pivotal stratagem because as far as she knew, the younger Seedling was still tucked away in his harrowing dungeon at the Bunker.

But she needed to prove a point. To herself. She needed to know she wasn’t afraid of coming back and jump head first into the free-for-all clusterfuck in Hope County. She unconsciously dragged her fingertips over her scarred chest while memories of her close encounter with the self proclaimed Baptist harred through her mind. No, she wasn’t afraid of John. But fuck, the injury still hurt her pride. And she’ll well damn return the favor, snatching his own house from under his very nose.

In a haze, her hand closed around the trigger of her sniper rifle and aimed. If only her targets would stop wobbling. Really, drinking while working. These peggies had no shame. She took the shot, but the bullet collided against a flammable cylinder next to the porch, exploding in a magnificent fire Sharky would definitely have approved.

“Oops.”

The flames licked the balustrade, now spreading to the stairs and she revelled with a devilish grin in the bewilderment and panic painted in the faces of the peggies.

“Put that fire down, and someone explain to me how this happened!” A man in a leather trench coat, probably the one in charge, moved hurriedly among the crowd that had gone haywire. “Brother John is going to be furious!”

She stifled a laugh biting the flap of her flannel, and adjusted her scope, drawing a bead on yet another red cylinder. Unfortunately the alcohol had damped her reflexes significantly and she tripped with the root of a nearby tree.

“You hear that?” A nearby man, dressed in the unfashionable peggie-mayonnaise craned his neck to where she was hiding, and slowly trod in her direction.

Oh fuck. She drew her pistol and turnt up as she was her shots missed the peggie’s head by good five inches hitting him in the shoulder. Mayhem unleashed at the first blast throwing to the trash bin her stealthy maneuvers.

“Sinners!”

The outside of the house crawled within seconds with a heavily armed crew, as bullets snickered in the air, rippling the silence around her. She rolled to a side, as her previous spot was soon overrun by overzealous goons looking for her blindly. She took one, two, three guards down, before dodging enemy gazes behind a bush at the very front of the house, choking with the smell of gunsmoke.

“There! Behind those bushes!”

Shit was getting problematic. Her attention snapped at the shouted words, her ears ringing by the bullets landing closer and closer to her, and before she could veer off course, two projectiles shredded the skin of her arm and abdomen.

She yelped loudly. It hurt like a motherfucker.

“Stop the fire!”

She paled to her lips. Damn. She knew that voice; that cloying tone still sending shivers down her spine. Fighting through the agonizing pain, she lifted her eyes and her ragged breath caught in her throat. Apparently her intel was wrong. Fucking Dutch. John Seed stood at the threshold, slowly descending the partly charred stairs with that smug walk of his that she found equally magnetizing and loathsome.

Everyone froze in place as he closed the distance to where she was hunched down, soaked in her own blood, drawing breath after breath to quell her…fear?

“Take her inside,” he said signaling to a burly man that stood with his head bowed next to him. The darkness and the loss of blood made everything seem bleary, so she wasn’t sure if his words really carried streaks of concern or was just her heart thundering in her ears. His blue eyes could’ve carved her soul, etching deeper than his needle.

“Fuck off John. I rather take a bullet to the head than spent a minute with you alone, again.” She hawked blood and saliva at his feet, glaring at him. She knew it was futile, like the pathetic little roars of a kitten trapped in a dark alley.

A gamut of emotions flickered on his face and she could’ve sworn pain waved back at her for a fleeting second, before disappearing behind a self-satisfied grin.

“Don’t tempt me my dear.”

She huffed and kicked hopelessly when his subordinate carried her bridal style into the house but her legs felt shaky and weak, and the effort puffed all the air out of her lungs. She shot a final glance behind her where another peggie picked up her forgotten rifle and pistol, dragging them away from her. She grunted.

Once they were inside, she chewed down a malicious comment. So much for humbleness. John Seed’s Ranch was lush and elegant, looking more like a luxurious lodge than a battle post.

“Put her in the couch,” John said standing at the center of the living room.

She untangled her arms of the unfairly broad shoulders of the peggie as he placed her down carefully. He gave her a final mistrustful gaze, and stood next to the door.

“Should I post guards at the door, Brother John?”

John fidgeted with a pocket knife before closing it, placing it on the coffee table, a lopsided grin tugging his lips. “No, Levi. She’s barely a threat at this point.”

His comment lit the fire in her blood. “Maybe you should listen to Levi, John.” She cocked an eyebrow, stomping down a wince, as her side and arm throbbed in pain.

“Leave us,” John said to the peggie, ignoring her completely.

Her heart was thumping so hard, she could feel it under every inch of her skin, whatever amount of blood left in her system pooling in her cheeks.

“Relax my dear,” he said sauntering towards her, his boots tapping against the wooden floor as the tickle of a doomsday clock, drawing closer and closer. “I’m not going to hurt you, trust me.” He sat at the edge of the couch, face relaxed and attentive.

“Ah- kinda hard to believe man,” she said, brows furrowed, trying to scoot backwards and away from him, “last time you were very determined to do some very hard damage.”

John drew a hand forward, as if he intended to touch her and she shivered. He heaved a sigh, pulling back. “I think you need medical attention first, Deputy.”

“Yeah, so ah- could you let me go?” she asked as he stood up, fumbling between the things of a near cabinet.

“So you can bleed out on your way to wherever is you’re going?” His voice came muffled as he was half stuck into the mahogany furniture.

Sweat beads fell down her forehead, flyaway strands of hair sticking to her temples. “You said so yourself, I need medical attention,” she bit back, fighting back a grimace.

He made his way back to her, holding a first aid kit. Oh great.

“And that’s what you’re getting,” he said sitting again next to her. “Now sit still and let me take a look.”

He took gauze and clean cloth along with a peroxide bottle and some antiseptic gel out of the box. She bit her lower lip. There wasn’t much she could do in her position, and who was she to look the gift horse in the mouth. If he was offering his help, she could well accept it to ebb away the ache in her body. After all, she didn’t want to see wrath flooding him as she’d seen in the bunker.

So she held her arm in front of him.

“This is just a scrap, you’ll be fine,” he said brushing gently the red burned flesh, grabbing her wrist with a merciful grip, almost kind. Almost tender.

What the hell was going on?

“That’s a relief.” The irreality of the situation was kicking her in the gut. Only three weeks ago this same man had thrown her into hell, alive and breathing, searing in her mind memories too gruesome to forget.

“Now, darling, where is the other?” he said, throwing the bloodied cloth on a trash bin and preparing a new one.

She flushed beet red. Modesty wasn’t something she particularly enforced, especially not under duress but there was something about John that rattled her walls, whether she wanted to admit it or not. “Ah…”

“We don’t have all day my dear Deputy.” He looked at her with a tinge of exasperation.

Her breath was shallow but she managed to control it. “Okay, fine, fine, hold on.” She pulled off her torn shirt, placing it in the floor and twisted her upper body so he could see the wound at the side of her abdomen.

There was a slight delay in his answer she didn’t fail to notice. “It looks- uh, it looks nastier than the other one,” John said, flicking out his tongue in an unconscious gesture, barely grazing her skin with shaky fingers in a place Rook didn’t feel any pain at all.

“Uh, John?” she side eyed him, watching him struggle to keep his charming, nonchalant facade.

He inhaled deeply and the air let out his lungs in a short blow. “I’m sorry my dear, I’ll clean this right away.”

He started working on her skin with the precision of a surgeon, shushing her when the pain of the chemics burned her skin and she cried out.

“Can I ask you something?” She said with a low moan as the pain began to subside, her head buried in her arms, as he kept working.

“I doubt a ‘no’ would deter you of doing so, darling.” He shot her a sincere smile and something tumbled in her stomach.

Pathetic.

“Am I leaving your Ranch in a coffin?” she spluttered, brushing aside the flurry of emotions galloping inside her.

“Don’t be absurd. If I wanted you dead I would’ve done so before you torched half my property and killed half my guards,” he said casually, as he spread the gauze, dressing her wound. “No, Deputy. I don’t want you dead. I want  you saved.”

And there he was again. The John she knew, but severely toned down, the maniacal edges that flickered to life during their last encounter, subdued.

“Thanks?” She offered. “I don’t understand, last time was so-”

“Rough?” He cut her off, chuckling. “I know, and I should apologize.”

Her face shifted from curiosity to certified wariness. “Excuse me?”

He finished his handiwork and leveled his gaze with hers. Christ in Heaven, those blue eyes. Sometimes cold as lakes in the winter, yet other times filled with warm, sparkling life as it was the case right now.

“After you left, Joseph spoke to me, and he, eh, he showed me my ways were wrong, that I wouldn’t get what I–,” he stopped and cleared his throat, “what the Project wants from you out of fear.”

“And what’s that?”

“That you truly accept us in your heart.”

A clear laughter rang in her ears. Her own laughter. The sound so unfamiliar, it cracked a shudder on her body.

“And how do you intend to do that?,” she asked, certainly curious.

He stood up and placed the first aid kit away and her body complained silently and unwittingly for his absence. “I want to show you that pain is not the only thing I–,” he sighed, shaking his head, “that we can offer you. I want to show you that is love what opens the Gates, and you should embrace it.”

Her mouth had gone dry, and she was barely able to resist as John came back and effortlessly swooped her in his arms. Solid, muscular arms, that lifted her as if she was light as a feather. The minty spice of his scent flared up her nose, eliciting a sigh she was determined to attribute to her dog-tired state. This wasn’t happening. Maybe she was stuck in one of Faith’s fucking Bliss crops, dozing off and any minute now Sharky was going to wake her up setting her on fire by accident. As a hundred times before.

He carried her up the stairs to an empty room with a full size bed, and placed her on top.

“This will be your home for a while,” he said sitting next to her and tucking auburn strands of hair behind her ears and everything she could do was look at him, astonished and rattled. “Don’t think about leaving, my darling, because everything you need is here.”

He placed a chaste kiss on her forehead and walked away. As she saw him disappearing from her sight the thought that haunted her the most was that to her dismay, leaving, was the last thing on her mind.  

[greenofallshades]

I saved this for when I had the time because I liked the questions, and because it was sent by a friend, @rapid-apathy.  So I had a long rainy weekend and was able to do it.  I’ve been holding onto it forever.  You’re supposed to answer the questions you like, delete the ones you don’t, and add your own to make 100.  I didn’t bullet mine but this is close to 100 either way, I guess.

So here’s a little tell-all, if anyone wants to know.  I’m tagging some unsuspecting souls so you guys can shake your fists at me and say well, fuck, it’s Monday, so naturally.   (Seriously, no one feel obligated to do it..pretending you never got tagged is perfectly fine, lol). 

@simcoedefensesquad, @abewoodhullturncoat, @cupric-solution, @enouementonism, @thesnakeinthegarden, @zaggyswag,  @080939, @teagrounebulous, @dolfinsatdawn, @west-coast-happiness

The meaning behind my url:  greenofallshades, Green is my favorite color and adding the last part made it sound vaguely...interesting, or something.

A picture of me: will post one soon.

How many tattoos i have and what they are:  none

Last time i cried and why: During the TURN finale, lol, but does that count?  Before that, a fight with my husband.

Favorite band:  Impossible to pick one, just cannot.  Also I’m one of those people who when you ask me to pick my favorite something I freeze and can think of nothing.

Biggest turn offs:  Pretentiousness, number one by far.  Also people who drop hints instead of asking for something, game-playing instead of being direct, and braggarts.

Top 5 (insert subject): Top five cookies!  Girl Scout Thin Mint, soft baked chocolate chip, M&M cookies, Nutter Butters, and Oreos.  

Tattoos i want: *shrug* none

Biggest turn ons: strong arms, hairy chest

 Age: old lady by Tumblr kid standards, I guess

Ideas of a perfect date: Sitting in front of a fire in an empty tavern with a 6'3" ginger Queen's Ranger, drinking to the point that I'm not drunk but feel good, and he gets loose and starts telling me stuff no one else knows, then getting on his horse with him (me in front, being held securely by him) and riding out to a secluded cabin in the woods only he knows about, where we spend the night having wild sex and getting as loud as we want.

Life goal: Not to have any huge regrets on my deathbed when it comes to people in my life.

Piercings i want: none

Relationship status: married

Favorite movie: Can't pick one but I love Bram Stoker's Dracula, Pulp Fiction, Gladiator, Goodfellas, Thirty Days of Night.  Not into chick flicks very much.  Also a couple of old movies---Rebecca (a total mind fuck) and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, which I STRONGLY rec.  It's a middle-aged married couple who have company over and spend the night drinking and cursing and tearing each other apart with complete viciousness. 

 A fact about my life:  I'm boring but okay with it

Phobia:  Any and all bugs, especially flying ones.  I wish I could make all of them extinct, including butterflies.

.Height: 5'5"

Are you a virgin?   A what?  

What is your shoe size?  8

What’s your sexual orientation?  straight

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?   Wine sometimes....red.  Used to like white, can’t stand it now, and beer makes my throat close up

Someone you miss: My parents...they had me very late in life and they're gone now.

What’s one thing you regret?  Not being a better daughter

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:  Samuel Roukin, are you shocked?

Favorite ice cream?  french vanilla

One insecurity: Body image.  I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager and body issues will stay with me until I die.

What my last text message says:  From me---I might answer late because we’re doing late dinner.  To me---How does she afford it

Have you ever taken a picture naked? Taken one, no---taken one OF somebody, yes

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?  No

Have you ever slept naked?   Yes

Have you ever stole money from a friend?  No

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?  Yes

Have you ever been in a fist fight?  No

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?  Yeah, I think everybody has

Have you ever been arrested?  No

Have you ever made out with a stranger?  Yes 

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?  Yes

Have you ever been lonely?  Yes

Have you ever been to a club?  Clubbing and dancing, so much fun

 Have you ever felt an earthquake?  Yes, in Virginia it's a rare thing and I thought Jesus was coming back.

Have you ever touched a snake?  I've held snakes...they're adorable.

Have you ever ran a red light?  Yes, and it was stupid as hell because my husband witnessed a horrible accident when someone ran a red.  A man was ejected out of his car into the air came down, and hit the pavement, dead.  DON'T RUN RED LIGHTS

Have you ever been in a car accident?   Yes

 Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?  Pretty sure I have

Have you ever sang karaoke?  No and never will for the mercy of the world

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?   Oh yeah...for example today I told myself I wouldn't touch the box of Cheezits in the pantry.

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?  No, but I've laughed so hard I retched

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?   Yes

Have you ever dream that you married someone?   Yes and I woke up and it was true.

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?  No, but points for a question that made me shudder.

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked?  *side eye glance*

Have you ever brushed your teeth?   *second side eye glance*  I hope to hell

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone?  Yes....I cannot watch Thirty Days of Night alone, even it's daytime

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?  No, and it's a good thing, because you don't push a woman who has naturally curly hair into the water or your ass is going to have consequences.

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?  Yes

Have you ever broken a bone?  Just a toe

Have you ever been easily amused?  Lol, every damn day...wouldn't have it any other way.

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?  Many times

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?  No

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?   Yes, embarrassing

Have you ever give us one thing about you that no one knows   I never have and I am not going to have creeps following this blog, lol.

What was your last dream?   I dreamed Samuel Roukin played a biker in black leather.  Are you seeing the trend here?

Would you be up for interplanetary travel if it was a thing?  Hard pass...I will stay safe on my couch with my fleece throw.

If you could travel back in time, where would you go?  Omg.  Again, can’t pick but I’m leaving this question up because it’s a good one.  

Do you prefer tech or real books for reading?   I like both, but prefer books

Do you dread doctor visits or do they not bother you?   They make me anxious

Favorite fashion decade of the twentieth century?  1940s

Are you wearing nail polish and if so, what color?   Manicure, Essie Watermelon; pedicure, OPI I Vant To Bite Your Neck

 Are you into working out or no?  I've always worked out, but I'm so burned out now

Do you have a temper?   Yes

Do you have one item you treat yosef with, and if so, what is it?   Josie Maran whipped argan oil

Do you eat meat?  Yes I am a happy carnivore

If yes, how do you like it cooked?  Well done and y'all can drag me for that all you want

Ever had a boss or a teacher you absolutely hated?  Oh yeah....a bitch boss who loved making lives miserable.  She snatched my engagement ring and hid it for a day so I would think I'd lost it, then gave it back at the end of the day and laughed. I was frantic.  I wish I could have a do-over with that bitch.

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?  Coffee

Do you wear makeup?  Yes

If you wear perfume, what's your scent type/favorite fragrance?  I like fresh/clean scents...love Versace VersenseScented 

Do you have a girl crush?  Yes

Candles, wax melts, or incense?  Wax melts....I have a shameful amount of those bitches.  Walmart, $2, too cheap to pass up.

Favorite season of the year?  Fall, fall, fall, then winter

Fanfic---do you prefer smut or fluff?   Smut, but well-written fluff about the right character (GUESS WHO) is good too

Do you like taking selfies?  Why or why not?   I hate it.  Old body image issues, not photogenic, etc.

Do you want children?   We can't, but we'll be okay.

Do you prefer lots of friends or just a few good friends?  Just a few, not interested in crowds of pseudo-friends

Introvert or extrovert, or mixture of both?  Mixture...can and do initiate conversation with strangers but I'm an only child and I need solitude to be sane

Ocean/beach or mountains?  Ocean, if it's cold, cloudy, and the water is wild and gray.  Otherwise mountains.

Morning person or night person?  Morning...first cup of coffee makes me annoyingly wired.

Do you initiate conversations with strangers?  Yes

Milk or dark chocolate?  Dark

What do you post on your blog?   Mostly Simcoe stuff, other TURN material, with some Walking Dead, Vikings, and The Strain.  Occasionally fashion, quotes, etc.

Is it hard for you to apologize when you're in the wrong?   If I know I've done wrong or hurt someone I have no problem apologizing.  I wouldn't want it to be otherwise.  And if I ever piss off any of y’all, let me know.

Love at first sight?  No.  Like/compatibility that turns into love, yes.

Best/funniest Halloween memory?  A couple, I guess.  The first was a party when my hairstylist friend did my make up and I went as a gypsy.  It was perfect, the hair, the armloads of cheap bangles and the huge earrings, a white peasant shirt with a flowing multicolored skirt, etc. 

 The second is one I was only told about, and it happened years ago, but I laugh when I think about it.   My father-in-law(to be) was home alone and a flood of kids kept coming to the door.  He gave out all the candy, then started throwing in cans of Beanie Weenies, and when they were gone, he started handing out money.  Finally he said to hell with it, turned off the light, and went to bed.

Did your first crush work out or was it unrequited?  Unrequited

Do you like old movies---and by old, I mean OLD old?  Yes, I've even watched a couple of silent movies.  The main thing about old movies that bugs is me the ever-present music.

Do you tan or burn?  Burn---don't care about tanning/lying in the sun with the heat beating down on me.  I like myself pale, anyway.

Do you think people deserve second chances?  Generally yes.  Hard to say no considering how many times I've fucked up.  But child molesters, that kind of thing--hell no.

What animal would be cutest if scaled down to the size of a cat?   A T-Rex

Do you have any weird food likes/dislikes?  I hate cheese, esp. melted. (Ikr?) Also white creamy foods...cream soups, mayonnaise, etc

.What's the funniest real person's name you've ever heard?   Andrew Lincoln is really Andrew Clutterbuck

.