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trashlie · 1 year

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hey this is lil anon again :3 listen we're all so feral about the latest fp episode can i just talk about it some more please and dump my thoughts here bc oh my god so many thoughts 🙏🏾 you can leave my other, longer ask in your inbox for now if you want to it's totally fine bc sdhfgdhfjksdhfk FERAL

PLEASE it is actually soooo funny how maya asks such a simple question: "why is he your friend?" - and shinae just explodes and goes off at the him in her head HISS GROWL I WANT YOU AND IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU THEN YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ANYTHING OF MINE and maya just stares at her in shock and disbelief like: 😶😶😶. and you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. how can she possibly put nol and what he means to her and what she feels for him into words??? something something if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more. shinae is so intense and bold and fiery I LOVE THAT SOOOOOO MUCH and tbh compared to shinae, nol is handling his feelings like a champ actually 😹 like at least the tiger hasn't bitten anyone (yet) LMAOOOOOOO he's been holding back a lot, trying his best to stay composed, mortified by his desire to kiss her because how dare he even *think* about that. it's the same intensity, the same feelings at the same time but he's very in his head, meanwhile shinae - the feral little cat - is just completely unhinged and off the rails. it's incredible. poor girl, all these new feelings and realizations hitting her all at once and she's understandably SO ANGRY that she can NOT control it and go back to normal, that he's making her such a mess, passed out on the bed bc it was all too much for her to handle.

you know, before 235 i thought their meeting would be… on the soft/sweet/wholesome(?) side bc of the new shyness and nervousness and vulnerability that comes with these realizations, maybe a through the door conversation without directly facing each other (like i mentioned in my longer ask), but we've kinda had that with the balcony "you're special to me" scene, right. so idk maybe shinae will just storm in there a fiery raging whirlwind of emotions and be all like how DARE you steal my heart and then try to get rid of me and run away, you asshole. IF YOU WON'T GIVE ME BACK MY HEART, THEN I NEED YOU TO BE MINE!!!!! it sounds so dramatic but seeing what all this is doing to shinae, how it brings out the fiery bold possessive assertive side in her, who knows??? she's for sure not letting go without leaving her claw marks on him. as she should.

and YES YES it's def both jealousy and insecurity. i didn't expect it to come up as part of her realization simply bc it wasn't on my mind tbh, but it works so well as part of the ✨realization process✨!! if just platonic then you don't get jealous and insecure, then it (typically) doesn't matter if/who they're dating. but if you can't stomach them being with anyone else but you, if you want them all to yourself, then sorry but that is NOT "friends". and there's definitely a comment here to be made about how alyssa isn't just some random hot girl, she's an idol and as such she embodies what's conventionally attractive and desirable, smth smth beauty standards patriarchy society. and she leaves nol cold but shinae still can't help but become hyperaware of it all bc everything you said ;; i can't get over the "timing" of this scene either bc we see shinae crying happy tears and for a moment she's forgotten her drama but then BAM suddenly there's gorgeous glamorous idol alyssa dancing on stage, and nol is there, looking at her, and they're both at this elite event in this world that shinae is simply not a part of. and. smth smth alyssa being a good dancer nol being a good dancer meanwhile shinae has two left feet. it's like the universe is laughing at her, telling her "she is all that and you aren't, she can have him and you don't". and as if it's not enough, of course it's the girl who gave her all this trauma. of course. how can it not sting her how can she not become insecure honestly ;; i too would immediately lose my appetite :<

(there's also the juxtaposition of shinae being surrounded by unconditional love, a supportive family, in a peaceful home where she can be raw and messy, fully accepted as she is, bags under her eyes and snot on her face and all; meanwhile alyssa is all glammed up, on the tv screen, putting on a performance for strangers that will only ever love her conditionally, that will never know the real her, is in a group that doesn't like her, is in an unsafe environment, surrounded by people who prey on girls like her, no one by her side 😔💔) i also wonder a little bit if not nol himself could (unintentionally of course) play into shinae's insecurity… especially in this initial stage bc like. he's a conventionally attractive dude; tall, handsome, nice smile, he's charming, he's got a rich dad too. shinae isn't stupid she's very aware of this. she's noticed how women reacted to him at the formal. one of them even commented that "he's way out of her league" or smth like that when she saw them together (which :/// shallow rich people talk 🙄)… and when it's friendship then you don't care, and she didn't care back then, and rationally she knows nol is not shallow like that, that she really shouldn't worry about such things, but when you're so young, inexperienced, have low self-esteem, are in such an emotional state, then suddenly you start questioning yourself on this shallow level. why would someone with his looks and money be interested in me, when he could have (and does have) an "alyssa-level" girl? sure he might like me as a friend but would he ever want me like that? it's like when you're crushing on the hot guy you've been friendly with and suddenly become all too aware of the hot girl that all the boys (and girls) have their eyes on. you just can't help but be aware that you're simply not her :/ yeah i think. she's going to need affirmation and reassurance re: what alyssa is/was to him, but i think more importantly, she'd need it about herself, what he likes about her, how he feels about her, that he doesn't want anyone else, that she *is* beautiful in her own way even if she doesn't see it herself, and then she'll hopefully grow more confident from it ~

-feral lil anon 😼

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm so sorry it took me all day to get to this response! I could NOT pull my brain together and kept getting distracted and having more feral breakdowns about Stalkyoo alfkajkfjkafjkafjka lmao and then I had to cry about my babies performing tonight and I have been through EMOTIONS but also ALSO I LOVE THIS MESSAGE SO MUCH I'm gonna do my best to do it justice because you ABSOLUTELY bring up things I also want to yell more about!!!!

There's something SO funny to me about how much Nol and Shinae mirror each other. That we now can tell they started to fall for each other at the same time and it just kept growing, that it's on the SAME DAY that they're becoming aware of these feelings, in much the same way - yknow, being so embarrassed to have FEELINGS lmao. But YES Nol does a much better job containing it at all. I want to say it's probably because he's so used to hiding everything, holding things in, but we also know he came so very close to just biting Shinae before he kicked her out lmao and it's not like Shinae hasn't also been decent at pretending things aren't wrong, but MAN she's so beyond her breaking point at this stage, isn't she lmaooooooo She CAN'T contain it - it's too big, too loud, too messy, so carnal. She's been trying for so long to keep shoving it into this box it doesn't fit and it just keeps growing bigger and bigger and spilling out. Something so funny to me about her is that Shinae.... like she kinda externalizes a lot and I'm trying to figure out how to explain this because clearly she isn't good at telling people about her problems, but as a result of being alone so much she talks through her thoughts out loud, to Lil Buddy, so of course for this she NEEDED to externalize to Maya. Because yes, it's so messy, it's spilling out everywhere and the more she tries to make sense of it the bigger a mess she makes and Maya really DID have to put it in words for her. I know I said I wanted Shinae to come to the conclusion without anyone else saying it but I still love how this played out because she still said, OF HER OWN FREE WILL, "If I can't have you" LIKE GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But also we know that Shinae just has an EFFECT on Nol and while he's doing a good job keeping things at bay, all things considered, I think the moment she goes back to his hospital room it's all gonna just be.... *sweeps papers off the desk* lmao

Another tangential thought I've had is that neither of them have really gotten to BE teenagers. Nol is forever having to play a game of making sure he doesn't make too many waves, doesn't get noticed. Likewise, Shinae has had to be the good girl while her dad is always busy working, not get into trouble, take care of herself, get good grades. Maya goes on to remind us, too, that Shinae didn't even HAVE any social experiences beyond what happened in middle school, just. Rolls with things stopped making friends. There's so many teenager moody things that they've largely missed out on and we're seeing so much of that come bubbling out. Yes, Shinae's moodiness is mostly because girl is CRANKY she hasn't slept she hasn't eaten and she's scaling the walls trying to figure out why she thinks her friend is pushing her away (he's not) and what she has to do to make him stay (figure out feelings) and she's just SO frustrated it all spills out. Relatable. I, too, become an awful monster when I haven't slept LMAO but it's just SO nice to see them have this moment? Get to be selfish and moody and a little bratty when they have spent so long trying to just be good and get by. Let them have a tantrum or three, it's fine!

Also LITERALLY SAME. I thought Shinae would realize her feelings, maybe balk at them, hide away for a day, try to deny them, then become determined and go back to him but too shy to look him in the eyes to face him, yes maybe talk through the door so this was SUCH a surprise but YEAH YOU ARE RIGHT! They already had that tender shy little moment. Now they can just be. Feral lmaooooooo listen idc how corny it is I'm exploring EVERY possibility I can, writing half-baked fic moments in my head. I want Shinae to wake up and go in guns BLAZING I want her to say dumb things she doesn't stop to think about FINE IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF MY THINGS what are you talking about I SAID YOU'RE A THIEF AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON GIVE ME BACK MY THINGS something something there's one thing he can't give back something something you're a thief, too alkfjkfjFKAFKJAKJF SCREAMS I need Nol to just say something SO blunt that makes her stop in her tracks aljakfjkafjafjk lmao I need her confessing in every which way but the words again, until he's standing too close SCREAMS

idk idk idk however it goes I know I'm going to love it because they just are going at it with such equal energy and I'm PRETTY SURE Dieter is going to talk to Nol while Shinae sleeps so maybe that will give Nol the conviction to say what he couldn't, now that Shinae has figured out the answer to "why isn't because friends" enough. Actually, more than anything, I want Nol to end up in the kind of position where he blurts something out without thinking or he acts on his feelings just BLINDLY because I just need him to see that he can't keep running from things and pretending and that Shinae is someone he cannot resist so make the right choices, boy. I need him to understand how much he wants her and deserves to ACT ON THAT ALFJKAFLJAFAJFLKJAFJF RRRRRRRRR FRRTFTT GROWL HISSSSSSSSS

but alfjakfjkfajfka THE INSECURITIES GET TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE because YES at the end of the day it's not just anyone. It's ALYSSA. The very person who gave Shinae her trauma, the person who GAVE HER HER ACTUAL SCAR. It's not the first time Shinae has envied something of Alyssa, either - Alyssa with her warm, beautiful mom and her big home and all her opportunities and her family so suffocating by being parents, Alyssa with her many talents with her intelligence. I really REALLY like the point, too, that it's not just Nol looking at Nol, it's Nol at that party in a world that Shinae is not a part of, doesn't belong to. Logic doesn't stand much against insecurity and jealousy or else she'd be able to remind her that Nol doesn't much like the world he technically belongs to, that Alyssa doesn't make him happy. Somewhere in her jealousy she sees the way she measures to Alyssa in these shallow ways and it hurts to come up short like that! AND RIGHT the girls at the gala saying Nol is out of her league! Shinae is like... aware that Nol is handsome (she literally said VERY handsome) but most of the time it doesn't seem to be a thing she thinks about - mostly because she hasn't really openly thought about him in a romantic way. But now that she's got these feral feelings about trying to keep him and have him and know him and see all the parts of him that he hides from her, she's facing the reality of how she looks to others, compared to him, compared to Alyssa. Sangchul has even implied it a couple times - Nol has a hot idol girlfriend so what is it about Shinae that's so special why is he hung up on her, what does she do that can possibly be better than a hot idol girlfriend.

And if there's something I love it, it's the tender unfurling petals of first love and the insecurity and jealousy that blooms with it, that ache that you aren't good enough that you can't possibly compare, because it leads to the REASSURANCES. Nol has SO many reasons to prefer Shinae, so many reasons to have fallen for her. I REALLY feel like we'll have a callback to that day Shinae asked Nol why Dieter might like to date her, when he told her he has a couple reasons in mind. Like... self consciousness and feeling inadequate is an awful feeling but I LOVE how it can be used in text, because also right: IF PLATONIC WHY FEEL LIKE THIS? Jealousy can be a useful device when it's not toxic and in this case it's someone like Shinae who has never really been made to feel like she's special, who has never seen anything in herself, realizing that she has fallen SO HARD for her friend who has a bombshell girlfriend and is super handsome and himself and comes from this elite world of affluent people. But there's also so much Shinae doesn't know about him yet, either, so much she hasn't had a chance to digest about him. She's seeing things at face value but I need him to tell her to her face that she makes him feel a kind of peace that NOTHING else does, that he cannot help but gravitate to her, that she's LITERALLY made his life worth living. Remind her that even though he was trying to avoid her, he failed SO miserably. Nol didn't get to tell Shinae at the party what he likes about her and DAMNIT I WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!!!!!! Especially because we've seen Shinae's POV of him at this poignant moments, I want to hear from Nol's mouth what he likes about her, the way he sees her. Like her, does he feel like clouds part when she's near, does she make all of the noise quiet for the moment? Does he find himself wanting her to notice more, wanting to steal more of those private moments where they open to each other?

I WANT TO HEAR IT SO BADLYYYYYYYYYYY and I want her to know that she doesn't have to compare herself to Alyssa, that there's no one in that world who has ever caught his attention the way she has. That no amount of money could make anyone from that society better than her. That it's not about any of that - it's about what she makes him feel. Just as much as Nol has had such an impact on Shinae, we've seen it in Nol. I agree that it's far too soon for her to know that he's literally still alive because of her lmao (that's just so much it's so overwhelming!!!!) but there are other ways she's impacted his life. When he told her he really hoped she'd get the job working with them, I think he meant it. Life was more interesting with her in it, he wanted to be around her more before Yui reminded him of what she does.

Like idk to me that insecurity is such a quintessential aspect of puberty and teenage years and first love. That rush of trying to see how others perceive you and the reassurance that comes from the person you like? GOD. And especially for people like Nol and Shinae, who have felt so invisible, so underappreciated, who have never really been made to feel special, having this with each other just LKFJAJKFJAFKAFKAFJLJAFLKJFKf

Also don't think I haven't forgotten about Yujing complimenting Shinae, or that moment when Nol made her laugh during her dance with Kousuke. How he was literally right in her face doing her make up and how it just augmented how pretty she already is. While I don't think he probably has that conscious thinking of it - gee golly Shinae sure is pretty because you know.... *gestures vaguely at his life* i SO BADLY want him to tell her that ;A; that she's beautiful ;A; like to be fair I think something about Stalkyoo that is SO well done is that it's all so deeply based on connection and the way those feelings developed as a result, as opposed to attraction first, but especially in the light of Shinae feeling so jealous and insecure, I want him to saaaaayyyyyyyy iiiiiiiiiiiiit. I want him to tell her how pretty she is when she laughs and lights up, what a beautiful smile she has and that he wants to be the one who makes her smile more I WANT THE CHEESY FUCKING SHIT DAMNIT I DON'T CARE I'M NOT GONNA PRETEND OTHERWISE ALKJAKFJKAFKJAFJKAFAFKJLKJAF SCALES THE WALL SCURRIES ACROSS MY CEILING AND STARTS CHEWING THROUGH MY CEILING FAN

I want him to reassure that there is not ONE way she pales against someone like Alyssa, that she is worth so much more to him ;A; howls

I WANT HIM TO TOUC HER FACE WITH HIS BIG STUPID HANDS AND BRUSH HIS THUMB ACROSS HER CHEEK AGAIN AND CONFESS THAT HE IS SO MISERABLY INCAPABLE OF RESISTING HER AND THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD POSSIBLY COMPARE BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER MADE HIM FEEL SO SEEN, FEEL LIKE HE MATTERS, NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER MADE HIM WANT TO BREAK HIS OWN RULES

JUST SCREAMING INTO THE NIGHT

also ;A;

tHAT SHIT HURTED THAT SHIT HURTED ;____________;

Alyssa my tragic, messy girl ;A; I can't help but love the tragedy of her, I can't help but be so invested. The way Shinae and Alyssa have been foiled against each other and how I know we will continue to see this. There's something about... yknow like Alyssa doesn't have FEELINGS for Nol, but I think Nol going from Alyssa to Shinae is SO poignant in a painful way. Alyssa's former crush!!!!! I think in much the same way as we're going to see Nol become all the things Kousuke feared, we're going to see that in Alyssa and Shinae. Like... imagine being Alyssa and watching someone like Shinae capture Nol's attention, capture Yui's attention, capture Kousuke's attention. It's because she's so sincere and faces confrontation head on that people take notice of her, but that's something Alyssa has never really been able to learn. She puts on a brave face like Shinae told her, but she can't do the rest of it. She's so terrified of this secret she holds, of what she is and what people will think of her, and she continues to put on a persona to keep it at bay. Meanwhile I think we're going to watch Shinae walk a path Alyssa never could - find her own success by being authentic and true to herself, not having to live in that shell, that mask. Shinae will do everything Alyssa has never been able to do. ;_______;

And yeah, that juxtaposition makes Shinae's insecurity all the more intriguing to explore because she's so insecure about these shallow things, but Alyssa is insecure about the things that DO matter, the things that make Shinae special, and make Alyssa so forgettable.

;_____________________________________;

gonna go sob now HECK

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #Lil Anon #ILY Anon #Stalkyoo #Aegi #Shiae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Alyssa Cho #GODDDDDDD i have so very many feeeeeliiiiiingggssssssssss #about Stalkyoo #about Alyssa #about Alyssa and Shinae foils #but i have cried so much tonight (LMAO I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS TODAY) so I'm gonna just focus on feral cat Shinae and Nol #and how desperately I NEED Nol to tell Shinae all of the things he likes about her as he moves closer and closer until he reaches the last #point and also her mouth #LKFJFAJAJFJAFKAJFJKAFJKAFKJAKJA #I CANNOT BE CONTAINED I'M SORRY NOT SORRY AT ALL #NOL USE YOUR WORDS BUT ALSO YOUR MOUTH IF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN #CONVINCE HER #ALL THOSE THINGS THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THIS ROOM DRAWINGS ON PATREON JUST HAUNT ME EVERY NIGHT #I CLOSE MY EYES AND I GO 'BUT WHAT IF'#WHAT IF HIS BIG HAND CUPS HER FACE THREADS HIS FINGERS INTO HER HAIR THE NAPE OF HER NECK THUMB DRAWS ACROSS HER CHEEK #WHAT IF HE LOSES HIS COMPOSURE WHAT IF HIS BRAIN JUST SHUTS OFF AND IT'S NOTHING BUT CARNAL FERAL WANT UNLEASHED AFTER BEING PENT UP SO LON #HUH? WHAT IF?!#SHRIEKS

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usertoxicyaoi · 2 years

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I think its already established that Daemi don't know how to write shit to save their lives. This just further cemented it.

I also think it's funny that one of the authors' favorite character is Vegas, so why the hell they would just make him suffer more and more... I don't know what to tell you. They just suck and I will not accept this as canon. Like there is just no reason to kill off Macau wtf... like, you leave fucking Venice (who provides very little to the plot) and kill off Macau??? Wtf wtf wtf wtf??? Nobody wants that fucking baby ffs, not even Vegas.

I think the authors may have a grudge against the cast/fandom considering all the controversies that have happened concerning them 2 so I think they're like "let's kill someone everyone cares about and actually like as payback! *evil laughter*" and everyone else KP, VP, KC are too important to the plot and the bodyguards aren't that much so they decided on Macau... oof

I think that if we get a S2, they will keep Macau's death, just make it better or have him die a noble death (just like how they changed it for Big- who ended up dying for Porsche- who was the actual traitor in the book instead of Ken) since I do think BOC may be obligated to follow the broad strokes of the novel and I don't think they have bought the rights off Daemi...

hiiii anon!!!

god i am MAD. like. idgaf about venice NO ONE gives a flying fuck about venice and YET!!!!!!!

they absolutely do not know how to write for their characters nor do they care much. so they kill off macau ... can you imagine the PAIN and ANGUISH that vegas would feel? at that point, knowing vegas as We know him, he himself wouldnt wanna live anymore, no matter if he has pete beside him or not. he was gonna blow his brains out just at his DAD dying and pete talked him down. i dont even think pete could talk him down if he saw macau comitting suicide in front of his eyes. like. what?? they wanna play the misery porn card on vegas????

and like. thats just vegas. who's a secondary thought rn. to me its more about macau. like. yes okay he is clinically depressed and on meds in the novel. and you know all this time since kp ended ive gone on and on and onnn about how much of a blank canvas macau was on the show and how if we ever got a s2, i wanna see macau be given depth and be explored more bc theres SO MUCH room and scope with him to do so. and like the novel, i'd wanna see macau go through these bouts of depression bc ... hell ... his entire life has just been one trauma after the next after the next laid upon him. its GOT to get to him. and i could just. so clearly picture what the plotline for macau can be if we got a s2. i could write it myself and do a better job!! and that would include not killing him off just to dump more pain on vegas and to give macau hope in wanting to live bc he has his big brother and his big brother has him!!! and he'd graduate from school and go to uni and make something of his life!!!!

but like. i just dont know. IF. we ever got a s2, would they write macau as being clinically depressed like in the novel. and of course there has to be (a) death involved in the show and WHO BETTER to kill off than macau, who's only attachment is with vegas and then pete and is a well-loved character. like i would Hope they would rewrite it all and Not have him die but then im like ... well someone has to die and whose death would twist the knife in more than macau's for the sake of Great Plot Writing and Advancement. i said it once before that i could so easily see a future scenario where pete and macau are both in some sorta danger and only one makes it out alive or vegas has to choose and that ties in with your idea of the Noble Death trope and macau probably dying that Noble Death. so either that, or they DO write macau as clincally depressed on the show and have him commit suicide, which idk if they will write him as that.

but yeah im just so ... Mad at this all. i wanna say yeah that yeah if we did get a s2, that they could rewrite this all and macau doesnt die but then ...... like. duh. its pretty obvious that macau's death would trigger and offset so much for the plot and facilitate it going forwards.

and fuck that. bc i LOVE macau so much and theres SO MUCH that can be done with him and explored with him that I COULD DO A BETTER JOB AT. like i said, yes, i wanna see macau be written as clinically depressed on the show just like the novel and for that and his headspace and character to be properly explored, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, be given hope of a hopeful ending for him!!!!!!!! ITS REALLY NOT THAT HARD TO DO YOU SICK FUCKS!!!

#faiza answers #tw suicide

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llycaons · 1 year

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ep25 (pt 1): the superior PM blindfolding and wx scene

picking up directly where we left off last episode, wwx and jyl coming back in from harvesting lotus, wwx teasing the kids all the way. it's cute! and jyl is sooo pretty

jzx shows up so she changed, I guess. her clothes were wet anyway

jzx is such a dork in this episode. yeah. he's obnoxious and arrogant to her later, but when his awkward immaturity slips out from his veneer of smug superiority, it's quite endearing.

I do NOT know what jyl sees in him before this but maybe she was just excited to get married and be loved by someone? but in this episode she was going to dump him if he didn't change how he treated her which is the only way I got invested in their relationship. he had to work for it and prove himself and be genuine and selfless and kind!! and he did!! rip

this is so funny I love him

wwx is so good at deflecting, I feel like most fics don't do it as naturally or skilfully as canon did. teasing, confident, bordering on condescending. he has such a strong personality and it sucks to see him reduced to 'traumatized and clingy crier'. he is all three of those things too, and postcanon he is a bit chiller but he's still HIMSELF. bold and clever and sarcastic and unwilling to grovel before authority

this is SUCH a jyl and wwx episode. they're so silly together, he's making her laugh and she's hiding her smile behind her fan. this reminds me of the goofy things my little brother would do 🥺 he's not dead or anything I just haven't seen him in months

the wens getting paraded out really changed the tone of the scene. EVERYONE was taken aback, everyone looked shocked or nervous. wwx is the most visibly angry, and it's only bc of jc's frantic motions to 'DON'T DO ANYTHING' that he steps back. honestly I get jc's fears here, but...sign. tho none of the other sect leaders did anything either, looking at you lan 'fair judgement' xichen and nie 'justice' mingjue. lwj is also curiously subdued this episode - lxc says later he's distracted but he's even less expressive than usual

everyone handing him stuff cracks me up. he doesn't even need to LOOK. and his bow and arrows matchy with his robes and the tents and the tower itself WOW this world is so color-coordinated

ohhh super impressive! I wonder how anyone can beat a perfect bullseye?

this request kind of baffled me, bc his forehead ribbon is far too narrow to use as a blindfold. maybe he wanted it as a good-luck charm? the cut to jc looking angry was kind of funny though. how dare wwx be so shamelessly gay in public etc.

we never see these unwrapped iirc 👀

and of course they have matching bows for the yunmeng aesthetic

HELL YEAH. SEXIEST MOMENT OF THE EPISODE

aww even jc clapping for him. this expression is like one of the nicest he ever gets

and he's smiling to his sister!!! his face is honestly a little sexy for that but that's what he's doing

DUDE DUDE THIS SCENE!!!! wwx all alone, then seeing lwj, then remembering lxc's warning and looking away, then lwj seeing him and LEAVING THE PATH TO COME JOIN HIM ANYWAY??!! yet another of the tiny re-enactments of their relationship over the course of the show. and wwx's eyes get so big when lwj comes to him, he's clearly so touched that lwj isn't abandoning him even if he can't tell him the truth.

fuck I love the post-ss arc SO much this is like catnip to me the relationships and the drama and the tragedies are all so delicious

eh, I'll always favor 'soulmate' even if it it's technically correct. honestly 'confidante' would work better here too. anywa THIS IS IT!!!! I STILL AM!!! so earnest, so full of love, so ready to help, so scared for him. ough, the romance. the tragedy!

wwx looks at chenqing for such a long time after lwj says that...lwj wants to know what's going on and how he can help but wwx is so paranoid and traumatized and afraid that he just can't say it 😭

and this scene, where they're just looking at each other for a long time...the tension in this scene was INTENSE. if it had gone on a little longer, who knows what would have happened.

#cql re-rewatch

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swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat · 2 years

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Nonsensical disorganized OFFENSIVE rant bc I have no one to talk to, an everyone tells you you can only trust in or rely on yourself and everyone is ultimately alone.

Idk Warning: triggering if you consider yourself my friend ig. It's a rant let me express my fucking feelings man. I need to let it out. You don't have to read this if it'll offend you. Might as well go in my notes app but writing here is comfier and can let me send it to the void.

I guess I will write this here bc it's a better place to write than even my notes app and I know no one actually gives a ducking fuck about what I write or have to say ever.

And I kinda have no one to talk to/rely on... Which ironically is what what I'm writing is about lol

But lately I've been genuinely asking what the point of connecting with other people is?

Idk maybe this is why I have found it so hard to interact with people and just get by with my own company. I just don't see the point.

Like, everyday you hear how you must be self-reliant and self-sufficient because people won't always be there for you... Nay people will NEVER be there for you, you can't trust people or rely on them, either bc they have their own problems or whatever.

And you don't want to come across as a needy little bitch like me, (that's why people always leave you -my therapist and my family)

And surely all my life I've tried to get by on my own. Hell, early on I learned that I couldn't even rely on my own parents (the people that are supposed to take care of you and love you?) for anything and had to do everything myself. I was either neglected emotionally and physically (learning to make myself food) or I even had to parent my own parents. Like, my mom always used me as an emotional dumpster, and whenever my parents couldn't figure something out they'd turn to me, I cannot count the amounts of times they used me as a counselor to help them decide whether they should geta divorce or not... Like my mom talking to me about... how miserable her sex life was.

And... I also have always had the tendency for being the "therapist" friend, even people who didn't know me used to use me to dump their problems on me in middle school bc I was so "mature" and a "good listener" and always knew just "what to say".

If I had a dollar for everytime someone has told me I should study psychology I probably wouldn't need to work at all at this point.

One of the few people from my childhood who still talks to me (more on that later) has even claimed that I literally saved her life on a couple of occasions. I won't go into too much detail out of respect for her privacy but... Let's just say that she was going through a real rough time in middle school, she came from a really neglectful family where her older sister played the part of her mother only to pass away the same year she found out she had a condition that disabled her. On top of that her sister had left behind her three kids who, fell into my friend's caregiving so (first you loose your sister/mother figure, then you are disabled and then you have to take care of three kids while you're in middle school).

Needless to say she was in a rough spot, and many people started treating her differently or didn't talk to her anymore, I remember I would always see her outside of her classroom during recess alone either in a wheelchair or next to her crutches and I would just... Talk to her IG? It could be bc I'm neurodivergent, but I never saw her any differently and would still talk about the nerdy interests we used to talk to about before everything, like the most recent Marvel movie etc (way before it was "cool" to like marvel). Maybe at most it was a "yo what's up? When did you start using crutches? It's been a while since I saw you! Have you watched this movie yet?". Maybe it's bc I'm super dumb and oblivious but I never even "realized" she was technically "disabled" until much later, for me she was just my friend, and sure maybe sometimes I noticed I walked faster and she struggled catching up, but it was never a big deal for us? For me she was the same person I knew before, and I even admired how much of a badass and strong she was? Idk, she was always so tough and never let people get on top of her. She was literally the person you could always go to if you wanted to kick someone's ass or insult them.

I did however notice that at some point she seemed really off and down and when I asked her she told me about her sister, which I didn't know about. I don't exactly remember what my response was but she told me I was the only one who knew what to say and was able to comfort her and actually "see" her, and she later confessed I literally saved her life that day.

I guess I just tried to be the friend I wish people were to me for the longest time?

I remember I would also do my best to remember people's birthdays so I could surprise them that day and make them feel like at least I cared about them even if no one else did (hehe projecting much am I?). If someone was struggling I tried to be there bc I wish someone would have been there for me many times before.

And I guess it was nice... But then I've also learned I can't really rely on anyone but myself?

Like, I'm the person who's always there for people when they need me, but the time I need someone to be there for me (even if it's just a shoulder to cry on) there's absolutely no one?

I'm the one who remembers everyone's birthdays, but no one remembers mine. Or the one who always has to be strong for others but can never rely on anyone else so I'm left in this state where I always have to be strong and it gets exhausting? Where I always have to pick myself up without anyone's help or anyone even giving a fuck about how I'm doing.

And I know it's not always bc people "suck" or don't "want" to be there, but they just aren't?

Remember that friend I mentioned? I love her to hell and back, but I also know I can't rely on her when I need someone. It's hard to explain but everytime I've needed someone she either wasn't there, told me to get over it or the conversation ended with me trying to comfort her (?). For example the day a loved one died and I needed to talk to someone I thought maybe I could rely on her but she ended up just talking about her sister (years later) and I ended up being the one comforting her instead, when I was the one who at the time needed comforting. (And when I've tried communicating this it has turned out into her thinking she's a horrible person and me trying to reassure her she's not, even though I was just telling her I needed someone to be there for me)

(WHICH I don't mind, I would always be there to listen to her but that time I wasn't in the best headspace to be dealing with other's people's emotions on top of my own!).

Later the same people I had always been there for literally left the moment I came out of the closet.

A few months ago another friend told me she loved candy corn and it was her favorite food/candy but they don't sell them where she lives, so one time when I found some I immediately thought of her and bought them... Well just when I was talking with her and telling her about getting her candy corn and talking about seeing her so I could give them to her, she just ghosted me soon afterwards and I have never known why or why she just... Ghosted me out of nowhere.

A close friend of mine actually stopped talking to me after he found out I had a depression diagnosis... No not bc I was a "bummer" when I was with him or bc I talked about my issues with him, just bc I HAD depression and he didn't want to be associated with "those people" (that and his gf... Who I helped him get with actually, didn't want him to talk to me anymore).

(I actually remember how I was in a phonecall with him when I was telling him, and I was crying... Actually the first and only time I cried in his presence... bc my dad and brother where making me take care of them and treating me like shit bc I was "a woman" and it was therefore my "job" and when I told him about my depression he just got disgusted and hung up and never spoke to me again, he only ranted to his friend that people like me just didn't want to get better and where not good to be around).

It seems that everyone eventually leaves when they find something, even if it's the most trivial thing about me they don't like?

And idk ig.

Even my fucking therapist was like "fuck you you don't try hard enough I'm done with you".

Like everytime I could use someone, I'm left completely alone?

And at the best of times it's bc they themselves are not available but the other half it's literally people using me? Or just not giving a shit?

I remember a time when I opened up about... certain sexual abuse I had been through and that girls response was "oh well you'll get over it", which really hurt? Bc it was really hard in the first place for me to open up about it? Or then there's the time my uncle died or when I got COVID and no one even asked me how I was doing, one of them even went as far as being like "oh okay well talk to you again when you're back to being okay and fun and not as much of a bummer to talk to" (It was actually the same girl... Which btw I later found out was only interested in/playing with me and hitting on me bc I had become some sort of fetish... Being trans.... Between her and her bf... Also oh yeah she didn't even tell me she had a boyfriend, I had to find out).

Point is, people are only there when you're fun to be with, or when you can provide something for them. No one really likes you for you, and when they find something about you they don't like (even if it's you being queer) they scram. And it's nice and dandy and all, I can be there for people right? I can be strong and only rely on myself, it's what I've done all my life. I've learned that no one is to be trusted. But the thing is... Sometimes I get tired of being strong all the time, of always being there for others when no one's there for me. Of being the friend I wish I could have but having no friends ever be like that with you (hell even remember your birthday or... Care when you are going through shit... Like REALLY care, not tell you "go to therapy, I'm your friend not your therapist jeez" when someone close to you dies, say "I'm here for you" and then just ghost you or tell you to "just get over it" or "get back to me when you are fun again" or... Just talk over you and talk about themselves).

Heh I bet most of the people who consider themselves my friends even now don't know that much about me... Like my interests or things I don't like or a stupid fact about me... Even though I could write an entire Wikipedia page on them.

Hell I'm not a stranger to people using me to talk about themselves and completely ignoring me when I say something about me.

And it's not for lack of communication or trying or reaching out on my part, I have asked for help on multiple occasions, or tried to reach out being like "hey I'm not okay, I could really use a friend right now" to no response.

Just today I was going through a crisis and I asked for help, in my IG stories... 30 people saw it (some of which I'd call friends) and not one replied nor cared. (Which yeah? Instagram? I actually felt pretty stupid tbh and ended up deleting it but idk it still stuck in my mind).

Again, it's nice and dandy but sometimes it does leave me with the question of what the point is (?)

Like, what is the point of having a romantic partner if people are untrustworthy and unreliable? Why would you want to be with someone who's never going to support you or care about you? Ig sex would be one but that's what hookups are for, or paying rent but then you can just get a roomate?

Even meeting people on dating sites seems to end in just wanting to fuck or even if not no one really tries to get to know you or help you get to know them it's just "yo let's meet up, let's fuck" and me being like "uuuuuhhhhhh I don't even fucking know you?????". Or on the OTHER hand you establish a good conversation and open up and then you get "yo, send noods", and me "UHM no I'm not really into that sorry" and then the conversation resumes and you think it's going fine only for then to be like "yo common I want to see you naked send nudes open a Snapchat for me so you can see my dick" not giving a shit that you said that makes you uncomfy, nor giving a shit about how you... Feel or about you at all, it's all so you can give them sexual pleasure.

What's the point of having friends if it's just people who use you till you have nothing left to give and eventually dump you when they get tired of you?

Why bother making social connections when every self help advice and therapist will tell you that you can't rely on people and must be self sufficient etc?

For emotional support? Well no, not even that, they will tell you you have to be there for yourself so emotional support is clearly not it.

To have fun? Everyone says you have to be happy with yourself and have fun by yourself... YOU CAN'T RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE.

Maybe I'm just broken for how clingy and needy I've always been and that's why people keep taking advantage of me lol

What are friends for? What's the point of "socializing" if you have to do everything yourself? If you can never rely on no one? If even if you're always there for people it's inevitable that no one will be there for you when you most need it?

Idk man, I'm just feeling shitty right now. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong and okay all the time.

Of only being able to rely on myself and trust myself etc, of everything always falling on me.

It's like... What's the fucking point man?

Also people always use me to vent and I try myself to give advice or listen or whatever but no one does that for me ever so like I guess I'm coming to the place where... Let me look I was cancelled bc OTHER people decided I'm a monster and I deserved to be cancelled... Cool.

Anyways, off into the void you go dear post.

At least I'm not crying anymore, just depressed. But hey since it's not external anymore, that's better at least I can now pretend I'm fine <3

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outerbankies · 3 years

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i love that in the pre series blurbs when they have these lil moments both of their friends never interrupt or stop it because they all just know 🥰 & do you think any of them mentioned in the next day? like margot and gretchen being like 👀 you & rafe looked cosy! 👀 or was it like an unspoken subject hahaha

oof good q anon! i kinda... went off

margot & gretchen

hmmm, so i think the girls def talk about it with each other (like straight up texting each other from across the room ‘did you see that shit’) but they won’t bring it up around y/n unless she does first. they know how she is and that it’s kind of a tough subject for her? sucks though because they can see how reciprocated it is from his end but she definitely can’t so it’s just complicated and they don't wanna push her. they're there for her during the whole chloe thing (always ready to make up an excuse to leave a party or something) and def mildly supportive of her theo phase because they think it's good for her (until they meet him lol)

i don't know if they ever saw rafe and y/n getting together as like a long term thing, so they were so happy for her when it worked out!!! if anything they predicted they'd at least hook-up at some point and they were def not ready for whatever emotional fall-out would come of that hahaha

(i really missed out on putting them in the original series tbh, if i could rewrite it i would put them in for sure because i think they dynamics would be so fun to explore - i picture gretchen just like over the moon immediately but margot's like pause. 'is this a hook-up, send me the texts like what exactly did he say', etc etc etc. bc we know her patience with rafe was. short HAHA)

kelce

he is super, super, SUPER emotionally intelligent (i don’t know why - in my head he’s just the best boy) and he’s also out of all of the friends the closest with both of them. so he's really in tune with their emotions specifically and especially toward each other. which means he’s pretty calculated with how he goes about bringing it up with either of them.

i don't think he and y/n ever talk about her feelings for rafe in so many terms until theo happens. like i picture the night theo dumps y/n as a turning point because we saw all summer how kelce was fed up with that entire situation but then the little break-up happens and she's distraught - kelce is still her bff so of course he's there for her and consoling her, but something in him just has to ask if this isn't just about theo (spoiler alert - it's not). and then we also saw at prom that he was there for her again. frustrates him to no end that they can't see it but he's a great friend and he'd never meddle in that way.

above all, he really wanted them to figure it out for themselves if it was ever going to happen, 'cause it would show a lot of growth from both of them to finally put things out in the open and go for it :) in his mind, it means they're finally ready! last thing he wants is to get involved before they're ready and have it blow up in all of their faces, even if he gets mad sometimes lol

his besties had a little growing up to do but he never lost hope and he 100 percent has his entire wedding speech written in his head

topper

topper, man - i mean, he figures it out quick. like super early on, maybe before kelce. and he just assumes they're a sure thing one day. so he watches the dance for years like always thinking in the back of his mind 'it'll happen, it'll happen, it'll happen.' and then he realizes it's very much not happening one day and he's so CONFUSED because it is sooo obvious to him - he loves clowning rafe for how simpy he is.

but he's close with rafe but not as close with y/n so he can only make assumptions based off of rafe (even tho he swears he can see y/n light up around rafe, too) and he's just kinda like 'damn, rafe's really gonna let her get away because he's too scared to make a move.'

topper def had given up hope by like college and was v pleasantly surprised when he found out about the first date! lol

#answered #new light hcs #a big ole juicy one!

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jockpoetry · 3 years

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boring q but what's your favorite food to make (can i have the recipe), also what's your fav activity with your dog except walking at ridiculous time

Clyde answer first: so at the moment the only other activity I can do with him besides going for a walk is watching god awful tv. (He can be possessive about toys at times so there's no shared play, you can toss toys to him and he'll then play with them, but can't understand the idea of fetch or tug of war etc. He likes walks, going on sniffari walks, and car rides!!) But I have watched more tv with him than anything else, and let me just say "why bad tv" because he does have preferences about what he likes to watch and they're Bad. He has bad taste. It's very funny, he's watching Law & Order: SVU right now. I am not with him, but he's engaged and loving it.

Now for the food one: this is such a hard question! I love cooking and almost never use recipes because i'm very much grandpa and just go with what feels right.

It's by no means my favorite but I have really been digging turkey meatballs lately! I'll give just a general like... overview of how I make them but I couldn't give you measurements if my life depended on it rip

1 or 2 lbs of turkey meat (I usually go for the leaner turkey so either 80/20 or 90/10)

Breadcrumbs (homemade is great! store bought is fine! don't use panko or if you do crush it up finer. rn i'm using like store brand italian breadcrumbs bc 🤷‍♂️ why not)

1 egg (same amount of egg no matter the amount of turkey, I've tried 2 eggs for 2lbs and it's not right)

White Onion (1/4th or 1/2 depending on amount of turkey, but sometimes more sometimes less)

Garlic

Spices! Salt, Pepper, Parsley, Red Pepper Flakes, Garlic Powder, Onion Powder, Rosemary, Thyme, sometimes I'll add some ginger or nutmeg to make it brighter but not always)

Optional: You can add sneak veggies into this mixture if you want carrots/spinach/whatever if you dice it up small enough it'll mix in invisibly, and works/tastes really well. I add them in during the onion cooking phase I talk about below

okay how I make them

Pre-heat oven to 350° (fahrenheit, so it'd be like 175? 177? celsius i think)

While oven preheats get a pan put a little bit of olive oil and/or butter (sometimes I only do olive oil sometimes I do both but never just butter) heat it up med flame

chop onion & garlic up and slide into the pan, cook until fragrant and onions are visibly soft/beginning to go translucent when they get to this stage turn the heat down and add in your spices to help wake them up a bit (sometimes I crush them all together in a mortar and pestle but if I'm lazy I don't)

cook until the moisture is mostly gone and take off the heat, dump into your bowl where you'll be mixing the meatballs together and add a handful or so of breadcrumbs. You don't want too much here, just enough to get kind of a wet sand mixture of your veg, it should cool quickly, I like to touch the outside of the bowl to tell if it'll be cool enough or not.

While it cools prep your cookie sheets 1lb of turkey will be one tray 2lbs will be two trays. I use aluminum foil and a little drizzle of olive oil, set them up next to your bowl so while you form your meatballs you have your trays right there

Add turkey to veg & crumb mixture

Add egg also

Mix by hand (or not if you don't like to, but I have found like when kneading a dough it's easiest to tell what the mixture needs!) As you mix add in breadcrumbs slowly (I do maybe a tablespoon or two at a time?)

You want the texture to be together, a cohesive well mixed appearance, no visible patches of unincorporated breadcrumbs but onion/garlic/veg is fine depending on how fine you cut it. Sometimes I leave it chunky on purpose because you get these nice little soft garlicky bites as you eat things.

As far as texture it should still be soft, sticky, and wet. I don't know a great comparison to make but they should be able to form balls without being dry! I would say I maybe only add a 1/4th cup of breadcrumbs?? Total for like 2lbs of turkey? Maybe?? Again no idea, I go by touch not by measurements, sorry about that!!

I make my meatballs on the smaller side, like maybe half dollar size?? I have meatballs in my freezer right now maybe I'll take a picture to give scale, but I like them smaller. But I can comfortably do five meatballs across on my sheet trays.

Pop them in the oven anywhere 30-45 minutes. I usually only cook them about 85%-90% of the way BEFORE

I freeze them. I take them out of the oven, let them cool a little (then pop them onto one tray if I'm doing 2lbs) and put them in the freezer to freeze completely. Once they're frozen i put them in a baggie and let them stay in there until I'm ready to cook them.

I reheat the meatballs by making a pasta sauce (my current recipe is incredibly basic) it's using a lot of the same steps above, onion & garlic in a pan (again: you can add other veg if you want) add pretty much the spices, add two cans of whole peeled tomatoes (i add the liquid from the cans first, let it cook down, half blend the tomatoes in their cans, then dump them in) I add in bay leaves (add a pinch of sugar if your canned tomatoes have that metallic bitterness!) let it cook down for awhile quickly pluck the bay leaves back out and reblend the sauce so everything is together, then dump in my meatballs. Let them go another maybe 30mins? Enough time to cook pasta if you want that, and you can add pasta water if you want to your sauce too.

but I've found doing it this way people had no idea it was turkey instead of beef and it produces an incredibly tender and juicy meatball. 10/10 highly recommend.

Last year I was really into making a chunky fresh cherry tomato sauce, which was great. This year I'm feeling the really smooth canned tomato sauce.

I am mildly allergic to tomatoes/not the biggest fan of them but it tastes Very Good.

I hope this is like...coherent enough??? of a recipe!! Also sorry my dog is a disappointment/boring. He had an exciting start to his life but he's just a retired grandpa now.

#anon #replies #messages #this was a very long post sorry about that #if i had a recipe i would just give it but this is how my brain looks while cooking sahf

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charrfie · 4 years

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Alright now that its officially Forzen Friday let's try this post again since it didn't show up in the tags last time-

I'M FINALLY MAKING A FORZEN HC DUMP (kinda AU-ish territory but not really idk exactly) AND NONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME

There are also a few other hcs sprinkled in here related to other characters (like Darnold and Sunkist for example) but Forzen is the main focus!! Despite him being a minor character I latched onto him and fleshed him out sm yall have no idea

Everything under the cut bc this shit is gonna be LONG (and there's also some more doodles that take up a bit of space!)

Also uhh if people like this I might take one for another hlvrai character later bc I have a lot to say about everyone!!

Forzen moved from France to the US with his parents when he was around 12 or 13 (yes, I'm aware that Scorpy and Holly are French Canadian and not France French but that doesn't mean Forzen can't be, I'm just being sure to say this now before someone says something to me about it)

He wanted to go to college and eventually become a game dev, but he didn't have the funds or the support for it (his family thought anything to do with games would amount to a career that would go nowhere).

Because of this, he instead was recruited in the US military. He originally had no intent to join, but after constantly being harrassed recommended to join and being entertained with the concept of being able to afford and pay for college, he caved (hence him telling the science team that his only goal is "to graduate").

He doesn't like his job very much if that wasn't clear.

And neither do most others that have the same job like him.

He was put on a "team" of his own, Team Nice, which was likely arranged as a guaranteed way to get Forzen in the way of danger, and with no one else fighting beside him, he would be easily dealt with- no one would have to worry about him bothering them again. However, he somehow manages to survive all of this, of course. Somehow. He likely knows the real reason he was assigned his own team (if you can even call it that), but refuses to fully acknowledge it for his own sanity, and instead pretends that he's some big, important person on a team that ranks so highly, he's the only one qualified to be in it. (I apologize ahead of time for giving one of the most shitposty and throwaway characters in hlvrai this much depth and angst, there was just potential there leave me alone)

Fast forward to the actual events of hlvrai though. This hc is a little outlandish but I really like the concept!!! So, at one point, Forzen is killed, presumably by some kind of creature that was out and about due to the RenCas. The science team + Benrey stumble across him (act 2 part 2 at around 13 min in for anyone curious), and Benrey decides to use the healing beam Sweet Voice on him. While Benrey and Forzen may not be on good terms anymore, Benrey still very begrudgingly cares about him and didn't want to see him get injured or die. Forzen wakes up a minute or so after the science team exits the room, assuming that he just passed out, nothing more, and goes along with things as normal.

He meets Darnold a while after his first (concious) run in with the science team. Darnold has recently dealt with the science team and helped them out, but is pretty bummed that he couldn't travel with them, as everything was far too scary and dangerous for him. Forzen, wanting to escape Black Mesa and the military altogether, ends up making a deal with him that he'll handle all the dangerous stuff if Darnold can show him a way out.

Now, meeting Darnold is a very new experience for him, since Darnold actually enjoys his company, and actually wants to befriend him! At first, Forzen openly tries to act as if Darnold is a huge deal to put up with- he goes along with with the whole "if you're escaping outta this hellhole with me, you better keep up" kinda deal (despite the fact that he kinda NEEDS Darnold to escape and show him the way out). His walls are still very much so raised, and he doesn't let his guard down as he's not used to others caring about him and his safety. But as time passes, he begins to realize that maybe Darnold DOES want to be his friend, and the tough guy act becomes less apparent.

To preface this next one- Sunkist sensed that something was up (he has a next-level sense of danger when it comes to Tommy's safety) and got to BM as fast as he could, searching every hallway for his boy. This is when Forzen finds him!! He figures that taking Sunkist as a hostage would be enough to get extra info out of the team that's been practically plaguing him lately.

Darnold doesn't know about Forzen's plans to take Sunkist hostage, so is completely fine with traveling alongside him. At one point though, Forzen and Darnold get separated (Forzen occupies him, makes sure hes safe and then runs off to deal with Sunkist). Darnold immediately uses his surroundings to model a quick little teleporter device to get Forzen back, because, you know, the man's a genius. Idc if its logical or not just go with it shhh I've gotta fill in the plotholes with something. That's why Forzen disappears all of a sudden after he's cornered by the science team. He just pops back in front of Darnold suddenly, all confused and loopy from the whole teleportation thing.

As things begin to wind down, Darnold and Forzen make it out of BM and start making a break for it, no idea how they'll get away from BM and to safety somewhere- they didnt really think things through.

Fortunately (or unfortunately for Forzen really), however, G-man picks both of them up. He means to drop Darnold off at Tommy's party, as he observed that Darnold helped his son to safety and is grateful for it. Forzen, though, he intends to "deal with" for messing things up so badly with Tommy, Sunkist, and all of Tommy's friends. This is where Darnold finds out about everything Forzen did and frankly gets really pissed with him since he thought he only had good intentions??? Luckily though, Darnold convinces G-man to give him a second chance, let him go to Tommy's party and apologize, and try things again. G-man, for some reasons agrees- probably bc hes in a good mood, as it IS his son's birthday.

The party is pretty uncomfortable to say the least. Tommy's extremely hesitant to talk to Forzen, but he does, and they end up on neutral terms by the end of it. Uneasy, but neutral. Tommy and Darnold hit it off though, and Tommy opens the invitation to Darnold that he can visit his place anytime now that everything at BM is over with.

As everyone's getting ready to leave, Forzen mentions to Darnold that he doesn't have a place to stay, seeing as the entire military was kinda. Yknow. Wiped out. Obviously wouldn't wanna go back to check anyways. And he has no interest in going home to his parents. So Darnold agrees to let him stay with him since they've become good pals over the course of everything.

Over time, Darnold visits Tommy more and more often. He starts bringing Forzen along, which Tommy is iffy of at first, but their dynamic starts to change and become more comfortable once Tommy sees that Forzen isnt interested in being enemies anymore.

Sunkist and Forzen still don't get along for a very long time. Or, well- it's moreso that Sunkist is very wary about Forzen, despite him not doing anything to harm either Sunkist or Tommy.

Oh yeah and almost forgot to mention one of my favorite hcs (that I PROMISE you started out as a joke but then I got attached) is Sunkist can talk!! So his first spoken interaction with Forzen after Forzen comes over to visit for the first time is literally just him being all threatening and laying down the ground rules bc he doesn't want Forzen to hurt Tommy at all in any way. And of course Forzen about has a heart attack bc "HUH??????? THERE'S A DOG THAT IS SPEAKING HUMAN WORDS TO ME"

UHH I HAVE MORE (I've written out so much shit about dynamics and what I'd think would happen even after all of this) BUT I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE TOO LONG like it already is SO I SUPPOSE I'LL LEAVE IT AT THAT FOR NOW!!!! I hope this isn't too ooc either, I just have Emotions about this series and write too much so why not share it yknow

#forzen #hlvrai forzen #hlvrai #hc time #PLEASE let this show up in the tags this time i will actually cry if not i spent so long on this

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kaypeace21 · 5 years

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i LOVE your analysis especially byler ones so please don't take this as hate, it's the last thing i want to do. but while i love the byler theories do you actually think the duffers are smart enough to realize the potential/brave enough to follow through on the relationship. bc tbh i think our viewpoint is skewed i don't think anyone but byler shippers see the canon possibility. and also it really seems like m/leven is going to be endgame? just wanted to know more of your thought process

Even if byler never happens- I’m 100% sure mileven won’t be endgame XD. Regardless of byler, Mike and El are just not going to happen. (Even if they’re ‘dating’ in s4). I could try to explain the reasons why I think byler will be endgame though. I’ll give the cliffnotes version. This will probably be a mess- because focusing on all the reasons isn’t as good as analyzing , each reason as it’s own separate post, in depth).

Why mileven isn’t endgame

- The duffers said, while filming ST, El was supposed to die in s1 (glad that didn’t happen). And this was also their plan when pitching their show ‘Montauk’ (later retitled ST), saying that the hypothetical s2 sequel would be about the boys returning to their town 10 years later. Mileven was never ‘planned end-game’. They also describe mileven kissing but never mention the word ‘love’ like how Jancy was described in the Montauk pitch. Nancy’s bio says “ she will experience love for the first time.” But when they describe mileven, they say, “If Mike is the Elliot of our show, Eleven is our “E.T.” Like that’s … not romantic, Duffers. And if it was supposed to be … WTF did you guys watch the same film? 0-O

- In the byler centric s2, the Duffers kept mileven separated. And the mileven kiss wasn’t written in the show. Millie pretty much said “they had to do it.” Much to Matt’s confusion but then the Duffers agreed. And used ‘every breath you take’ (a song about divorce), and just by coincidence their 2nd back-up song was also a song about a divorce? Nah, they were trolling.

- Most of the women (Nancy & Max) in the show critique Mileven saying Mike treats her as if she’s stupid, can’t take care of herself, or as she is a possession.

-in the first ep of s3 almost all the guys (who had/have gfs) Hopper, Lucas, and Dustin all criticize the mileven relationship and think it’s unhealthy.

Hopper says “ They’re spending entirely too much time together… It is constant.It is constant! Okay? That is not normal, that is not healthy! ”

Lucas mocks Mike, saying “ Oh El, I wish we could make out forever and never hang out with any of our friends.”

Dustin says when they flake on him, “It’s bullshit, I just got home!” (insert Nancy calling Stancy ‘bullshit’)

and before this Dustin talks about Romeo & Juliet (while mileven is out of frame). R&J is all about the dangers of not knowing the difference between love and infatuation. Juliet after Romeo is banished just complains about how in love/sad she is but never pursues looking for him (sound familiar)? R&J claimed that they were in love with each other after knowing each for a few days and deciding to get married-sabotaging the closest relationships they had with their friends/family (all in the name of ‘true love’) . Similarly Mileven thought they were in love after only a week of knowing each other, and the second they are reunited they start dating and spend all their time with each other. El is allowed out of the house (and her friends are allowed to visit), but El hasn’t interacted with Max nor Will? They spend almost everyday in her room just making out. Mike puts very little effort into integrating her into his life or as part of the group. The only time they go out- is for Mike to show off El to Dustin like a possession- then before El can even do the boding activity with the group (with the radio tower)- Mike convinces her to leave to make out. They are both complicit in this and they both bring out the worst in each other and they make each other blinded to their loved ones’ feelings.

- El literally asks Max “How do I know what I like?” Do I have to explain why this could be problematic? She even says “I don’t know”, when Max asks if Mike is a good kisser.You can call me ‘ableist’ my abused-autistic ass will disagree. But El is not ready for a romantic relationship! it makes perfect sense for El to be confused by the distinctions of romantic, platonic, and familial love- when the first 12 years of her life she didn’t receive any form of love , PERIOD! And she is not like normal abuse victims (she has never had proper socialization with peers her own age or even adults).All she had was television. She latches herself on to anyone who is kind to her (something I used to do). Without Mike she used Max as a replacement almost immediately, and even starts repeating/mirroring the things she says (specifically coping phrases from her …over 6 times!). She’s also susceptible to doing what others say or want her to do, “dumping his ass” (with Max’s validation and encouragement). El might love Mike but I don’t think it’s romantic, she latched on to the first person that was kind to her. Before their first kiss she asked Mike “Will you be like my brother?” And she’s hurt when he says “no”, asking “Why not?”. He then kisses her (she watches a lot of soap operas and she assumes it must be ‘romantic love’). You’re telling me that if she was ‘in love’ with Mike she would have been that happy over dumping him? I’m not saying El is dumb for not being able to discern these things (I think people without such backgrounds may still struggle with this concept). But it makes perfect sense for El to be confused by the distinctions of various loves or even the differences between ‘crushes’ , ‘physical attraction’ and ‘romantic love’

- In the last ep El asks about what he said at the cabin to Max, specifying “you talked about your feelings?”. He says and I QUOTE “Oh! Oh, yeah that.Man, that was so long ago. Um…” and starts to scratch his head. Then he excuses what he said at the cabin, saying it was “in the heat of the moment stuff and we were arguing… I don’t actually remember. What did I say exactly?”

Now either he legitimately forgot! Or he lied! You know the thing that broke them up in the first place! The one thing that El holds as her most important value in life- honesty. And he lied- about something as important as his romantic feelings?! Make up any excuse (about being shy/character flaws all you want), but this isn’t real life- it’s fiction (everything is done for a narrative purpose). That wasn’t an accident ( mileven wasn’t “written out of character”- like milevens claim, the duffers were criticizing the ship on purpose) .And the fact he lied again! Wouldn’t bode well for a long term relation with each other. The whole season, criticized their romantic relationship ! That wasn’t a coincidence neither was the fact he looked confused by her confession, and kept his eyes open the whole time and didn’t kiss her back .

And as she smiled and walked away, he looked confused. That wasn’t a directing mistake, like so many milevens are claiming! You really think they wouldn’t make sure their ‘fav ship’ didn’t have a good final kiss?

Especially since it was right after a romantic Jancy scene (which was directed amazingly)- where Nancy even mentions Mileven- to make us compare the 2 pairings romantic scenes even more.

* I know I sound like an assh*le but I’m just annoyed. I’ve always censored my byler posts trying not to offend/criticize mileven. I never cross tagged my byler meta with the hashtag mileven (never will, cause it’s rude). But (without sounding pompous) my byler posts generally gets reblogged a lot- and now the milevens have seen my posts (and are sending lots of hate my way) and worst of all they’ve invaded the byler tag. Today I saw 2 posts in the byler tag saying. “We’re delusional” and “stupid”- and also in the same posts they say they “feel attacked” by us.Um… there’s a difference between byler shippers privately criticizing a ship without bothering mileven shippers (and only tagging it byler) . Versus Mileven shippers tagging things byler (and ranting about the ship and it’s shippers). Loved the comment about how Mike can’t be bi cause “he loves El too much”.I think Mike is probably gay and in denial. But, um that’s not how being bi works- didn’t know bi people love women and men ½ as much as the gays/straights. Thanks for informing me (rolls eyes for eternity).So kid-gloves off, nothing left to lose! Time to compare the ships.

‘The breakup’ vs ‘fight’ parallel

comedic vs dramatic! The casual sunny day vs the dramatic framing of the storm (a romantic trope) . The ‘break-up’ being a scene with multiple onlookers vs the fight being with Will and Mike only (making it more personal/intimate). ‘Cold as ice’ playing after the mileven breakup vs the sad instrumentals playing during the byler fight. The comedic after-math at the mall. El and Max laughing, and another joke being made as the bus leaves.El’s happiness vs Will’s heartbreak.

Mike’s drastically different expressions after their fights. He looks regretful with Will, and almost annoyed with El dumping him. The fact Mike apologized right away more than once to Will, and ran into a storm to apologize a 2nd time. But with El he just lies to cover up the first lie, and then after the break-up he just complains/lounges on the couch (not taking any responsibility). He literally says about El “Why is she treating me this way? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong?”.( He lied and made her feel “like garbage”!) Then he burps and laughs about chips- and makes sexist comments. Neither EL nor Mike are heartbroken by the breakup.

But when he angers Will (by him trying to finish the game early), he immediately tries to de-escalate saying softly “I was just joking- c’mon, let’s finish the game”. But when Will just yells back (much to Mike’s confusion) he doesn’t dismiss his feelings as irrational (like he wrongfully did to El) but chases him to the garage- and begs him to stay since it’s raining.

In the garage, Mike immediately apologizes saying “I said I was sorry, alright. It was a cool campaign.” But after this, they fight and Mike runs into a storm to apologize a second time , and says to Will’s door “ WILL! I’m sorry I was being an asshole. Can you just come outside and we’ll talk? WILL!” He immediately takes responsibility and apologizes. And he’s desperate to resolve things. And when they find him outside castle Byers he just asks (Mike’s catchphrase) “Will, Are you ok?”

Shed scene ( “best thing I’ve ever done” vs “the most important thing in the world to me”) parallel

When Mike says to El “you’re most important thing to me” in the pool shed. El doesn’t even acknowledge the comment (and neither should the audience- cause the words were empty). She completely ignores his words, and responds by asking him about his previous comments. Asking whether Hopper was right about them spending too much time together.

I didn’t edit (or delete any scene after his proclamation) this is how fast it was delivered ! The framing of this mileven scene was not cinematic or heartfelt, and neither was the delivery from Mike. He’s not crying, trying to reach her with proclamations of his genuine feelings. There’s no dramatic music, framing, lighting or shot composition. And El just responds and cuts his supposed ‘true feelings’ off- only to agree with Hopper and says “ she should spend time with her own species.” And if this ‘romantic moment’ wasn’t already undermined enough. This is when Mike realizes she was spying on him , and feels wrongfully violated (something she doesn’t apologize for, saying “I make my own rules” . He even brings this up in a later episode (this clearly bothered him)!

Juxtaposed to the MUCH longer byler scene. A literal single tear falling down his cheek as Mike , recounts the first day they met. Mike being in the back drop of darkness only his face being illuminated (having him appear like a guiding light to Will). Saying “ I felt so alone and so scared… but you were alone too” (alone together/crazy together) . He then talks about asking Will to be his friend, and then he pauses and breaks eye contact , before looking him in the eye and smiling (lost in the memory) saying softly “you said yes, you said yes.” (cough like saying yes at a wedding).

So, after he says “you said yes, you said yes.” It’s important to mention that he takes a deep breath and breaks eye contact again, (looking down and to the side) as he says this line. Subconsciously, I believe he knows this line is romantic and he’s too afraid to say it to his face. Only flicking his eyes up to look at Will after he finishes the entire sentence, and to gauge Will’s reaction.

This whole monologue is only of tight shots of just their faces (their bodies aren’t shown like in the pool shed scene). This is a personal moment between them and them alone- and the fact we zoom in on their faces (expresses this to be important emotionally) . And when we see Will’s reaction to Mike saying “it was the best thing I’ve ever done”. We just see Will’s face only- no music is playing and all we hear is Will’s whimpers and Mike crying in the background.

“ Blank makes you Crazy” vs “ Crazy Together parallel

When Mike tries to confess his “love” to El he says “Well they do say it makes you crazy”… much to El’s confusion.He has to try to explain it a second time to El- who just gets even more confused, by his ‘confession’. Saying “you never heard that expression? Like blank makes you crazy … like the word (love)?”

But when Mike says he “feels like he’s going crazy” Will immediately responds with “Me too”. Mike even smiles at the comment. So that moment in s2 means more than we think, when Mike (with tears in his eyes) smiles at Will’s comment and asks them to go “crazy together”.And when Will responds back “yeah, crazy together” (who also has tears in his eyes). They even linger on the moment as they just smile and stare at each other.

Mike is in denial, and may not even realize he loves Will, but he knows subconsciously that he does. He heard the phrase “love makes you crazy and that damn stupid”, 100′s of times and that’s why he said that phrase to Will. And why it made him so happy when Will reciprocated , by saying “ yeah. crazy together.” In addition to why we see them both go from happy, to immediately upset over the conversation.The scene was already romantically coded in s2 (but the scene in s3 re-contextualizes the whole thing) . Mike thinks “love makes you crazy” , and he asked Will to go ‘crazy together’ with him. And When Will is at castle byers looking at the Halloween pic of the 2 the day Mike said that, Will cries and calls himself “stupid” (4x). Can’t get more obvious… Like look what the duffers did!

El and Will’s opinions on Mike (Parallels)

-When asked if Mike was a good kisser, she just said “I don’t know he’s my 1st boyfriend.” (implying she’s thinking, at least subconsciously, of having other boyfriends ,who are not Mike in the future). But when Mike pretty much asks’ if Will thought they’d never get girlfriends, and spend the rest of their lives with each other’.Will just sadly responds “yeah, I guess I did. I really did!” Unlike, El, Will always saw Mike as his future, his forever.

-And when Mike says “it’s just a break” , Max says “No it’s not!”, and we see El laugh along with Max’s comment. She is not heartbroken at the idea of never getting back together with him, romantically. Right after they break up she was laughing, reading comics, and playing games with Max.

But Will is devastated over the fight! And out of all the memories in Castle Byers it’s the Ghostbusters photo from Halloween that causes Will to pick up the bat and start destroying everything. That was the night that Mike agreed to go “crazy together” with him. He tears it in ½ right in the center where Mike and Will are. He was so stupid to think it meant anything. The “crazy together” scene, that Mike initiated in s2 was always meant to be romantic. Not only because of Will’s reaction to the photo in s3, but because Mike in s3 says “They do say it makes you crazy…blank makes you crazy.” Which is exactly what happens to Will, as he has his breakdown.Castle byers was built on a rainy night , the same day Will’s dad left, when Will was 5 (the same age he met Mike). And lonnie called him a “queer” and a “f*g” and forced him to do “normal things” like baseball to have him “be more of a man”. And then on a rainy night, after Mike says “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls”… what does Will destroy castle byers with? A baseball bat! The fact Will has a baseball bat (despite in s1 saying he does not like baseball) in Castle Byers, surrounded by things he loves: drawings, d&d, art supplies, a microscope, comics- just shows what an impact Lonnie’s problematic conditioning and abandonment had on him. He used a baseball bat to destroy something he loves -castle Byers, and symbolically he was trying to reject his feelings for Mike using Lonnie’s old tactics of fixing him.

- Also, El doesn’t even seem to appreciate when Mike acts like his true self (goofy/like a kid). She laughs when Max complains he talks too much. Rolls his at his jokes with the cpr-dummy, covers his mouth and tells him to stop when he tries to joke and sing, ignores him when he gets excited about talking about dinosaurs. Which relates to my next point

The only characters who’s character bios focus on ‘escaping’ through d&d is Mike and Will.

Will in the Montauk pitch was described as having “sexual identity issues… LIKE MIKE , Will ESCAPES through fantasy gaming where he can be himself, uninhibited.” Like what is Mike escaping from… being a nerd? Because they could of said ‘like his friends’. And no it’s not because they’re best friends- they even specifIed in Lucas bio he’s “ Mike’s best friend” (which was even mentioned in s1).

.In Mike’s character description it says “ bullying and near-crippling insecurity. He has never had a first kiss, much less a girlfriend.He ESCAPES his insecurities through reading fantasy novels … retreating into his own vivid imagination. The Dungeon Master of his Dungeons and Dragons group, he writes sprawling adventures with fantastical monsters.When he finds himself on a real adventure, facing real monsters, he will discover a courage he didn’t know he had. By the end, he will even kiss a girl.”

*Interesting that Mike uses D&D to escape his insecurities about not having a gf (retreating into his imagination). While Will (who is somewhat aware of his sexuality) uses d&d to escape and be himself uninhibited. They’re foils in a sense- using d&d for opposing reasons.

So the s3 fight about d&d games has a lot more meaning

Mike equates heterosexual romance with ‘growing up’ and his feeling for Will as something childish he has to grow out of.When they fight over d&d. Mike says “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls!”, then he tries to ½ apologize only to say, “I’m not trying to be a jerk. Ok? But We’re not kids anymore.” He pretty much explains, this is just the way things are-boys fall in love with girls, get girlfriends, and that’s just a part of growing up (heteronormativity). And tells Will “I mean, what did you think, really? That we were never gonna get girlfriends? We were just gonna sit in my basement all day and play games for the rest of our lives?” And poor Will who is probably more aware of his feelings just responds. “Yeah. I guess I did. I really did.” And after this Mike rushes to Will’s house and apologizes saying he was an “asshole.”When he tries to say he loves El . It was very forced. He can’t even use the world love or explain his feelings, “A feeling … yeah, like, something… like OLD PEOPLE say it sometimes”.

He can’t even describe love and what his “feelings” entail for El , he then says “Yeah, like something , like old people say it some times. He doesn’t even say it back in the last ep, when she confesses. It’s all talk, but no feeling, it’s just a part of becoming an adult in Mike’s mind.

In the last ep before the mileven kiss, he even invites both El and Will over for Christmas saying “ And Will too… we could all have new presents to play with and… *scoffs* Sorry, that made me sound like a 7 year old... ”

And it’s implied in the last ep (before the mileven kiss), because of the 3 month breakup Mike is back to liking d &d. When Mike sees Will put his own d&d book in the donation box he stops him.

Mike: “WHOA, dude that’s the donation box.”

Will: “ I know, I’ll just use yours, when I come back. (pause) if WE still want to play?”

So then Mike asks, shyly …

Mike : “Yeah, but what if you want to join another party?” (cough- girls , the other ‘species’, or just someone else: girl, guy or otherwise)

Will: “Not possible.” (Will will always love Mike- insert Mikes immediate heart-eye reaction to this comment).

I think people don’t notice what the subtext is here- regardless of his intentions, Mike broke Will’s heart. He made him feel “stupid” for ever thinking he ever had a chance with Mike. He always saw Mike as his forever, but Mike shot any hopes of that down in the garage. Will doesn’t trust his own instincts. Mike could straight up flirt with him in s4/5- and Will would dismiss it as his imagination. He essentially said ‘he’ll always love Mike- but if something is going to happen. It’s up to Mike to initiate it’.

Mike was queer coded since ep 1 (and he’s more queer coded than Will)!

I LITERALLY thought (in s1) Mike was queer before Will!

- 3 rainbow references. Mike in s1 in his basement has a red heart being propelled by a rainbow sign. We see this again in s3 as a drawing. Mike also stands next to Will behind a rainbow apple poster in s2. Forbidden fruit + rainbow = queer forbidden romance. Also the apple poster was in the AV Club and at that time the rainbow apple-mac sign was suspected to be in reference to for Alan Turning (the gay ‘father of computers’).

In s1:

- 4 separate characters said El looked like a boy, but Mike doesn’t care! Even one of the men thought El might be the missing ‘Byers boy’. When El loses her wig , Troy said “she doesn’t even look like a girl” to the cops. But Mike just calls her “really pretty”

-Nancy says “I thought you were acting weird, but I thought it was because of Will” And Mike responds “I thought you were acting weird too I thought it was because of Steve … Do you like Jonathan now”?” Nancy: “No, do you like Eleven?”. They literally compared the explicit love triangle between Steve/Nancy/Jonathan to the Will-Mike-El dynamic!

- Mike literally uses gender inclusive pronouns when talking about crushes using the word “someone” (3 times), and embarrassing himself because he can’t articulate the difference between friendship and romance. When he could of simply given the 80s heteronormative answer of ‘when a boy likes a girl’.

Mike: “ you go to school dances with someone.

You know someone that you like”

El: “a friend?”

Mike: ‘not a friend uh … uh someone like a” (gives up and kisses her)

-Mike’s mom said “ What’s been going on with Will, I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. I just … want you to feel like you can talk to me. I never want you to feel like you have to HIDE anything from me” (she even emphasizes the word ‘hide” (which is heavily queer coded)

- when Will ‘dies’, “we can be heroes” by David bowie (a bisexual singer) plays, “And we kiss as though nothing could fall and the shame” is the lyric that plays when Mike returns to his house and cries in his mother’s arms over the ‘death’ of Will. Do I have to explain how ‘kissing and shame’ are queer-coded . And how such a lyric is oddly romantic- if we’re supposed to see their bond as nothing but platonic XD

-his dad jokes “Absolutely not” *turns to wife* “our son with a girl?”.

- when Lucas makes fun of his crush on EL, Lucas gets down on one knee and says “ I love you so much, will you marry me?” and literally 1s later, we’re introduced to the bullies and the idea (for the first time) that Will is ‘gay’, and Mike is in the forefront of the scene and unlike his friends he is THE ONLY ONE physically assaulted as they cause him to fall face first into a rock (like a gay-bashing) . They leave Lucas and Dustin unharmed. Even though Lucas just proposed to another guy- which should have gotten him a beating by the homophobic bullies.

It’s supposed to subconsciously hint Mike is queer like Will, and likes Will. The first interaction with the bullies, they mention Will being ‘gay’ right after they mention Mike’s crush on androgynous El and have a guy propose to Mike. Mike says to “ignore them” ( the homophobic remarks) but is assaulted anyways. And when asked what happed he doesn’t want to tell El the details cause he’s ashamed .

2nd time the bullies talk about Will, Mike is once again in the forefront, unlike his straight friends who are in the background . But this time Mike initiates the confrontation), as the bullies say Will is “flying in fairyland with all the other little fairies. All happy and gay”. Mike was literally on the verge or tears at this comment (despite being happy a few moments earlier , telling the others to ‘act sad’ because they’d look suspicious other wise). But this is the comment where Mike snaps and pushes Troy back (because he took it personally/wanted to defend Will).

The framing of Mike once again being in the front and snapping at the homophobic remarks ( gifs don’t do it justice, just rewatch the scene -Mike eyes water at the remarks). Then the last time the bullies appear , Mike jumps off the cliff and “flies like a fairy” (like Troy said) thanks to El . Troy at the police station even uses the word “fly” not levitate.

-Mike sneaking out to find Will, as Steve sneaks in to Nancy’s. They both even make eye contact (and pretend not to have seen each other).

- they share dinosaur toys , in s1 and 2 they appear to be the only ones with dinosaur toys.

- The s1 mom hug scene where Mike feels he lost Will is paralleled in s3 - signifying how he lost him a 2nd time.

- Mike in the 1st ep being the one to insist on looking for Will in the rain (callback to s3). But he never went looking for El when he saw her through his window? Even when Mike saw Will’s dead body, the second he heard his voice he convinced his friends to help rescue him!

- You remember the binder (from s1) that Mike keeps, filled with 100s of Will’s drawings, and how he caresses the drawing after thinking Will was dead. That’s totes platonic.

- Mike in s1 proclaiming “I’m the only one who cares about Will!” Seems like something a kid with a crush might say ( because obviously his other friends care about Will). But he thinks he cares the most. He was even the first to worry about Will not showing up to school, the first to suggest looking for him while speaking to Hopper, and when Hopper and his parents say ‘no’ he sneaks out anyway (and is the first to suggest forming a search party). The first to believe he was alive after seeing his dead body.The only boy to have a scene dedicated solely to him mourning Will. Mike being the only boy to stay awake at the hospital, and the first boy to see and hug Will. The only one to have a private one on one talk before Will goes missing. The only one who was literally given 100s of Will’s drawings. And yet Dustin says Lucas’ is Mike’s best friend? So what does that make Mike and Will?

In s2:

- Will in all 3 seasons identifies as a wizard. But in s2 Mike (the paladin) says Will is a cleric. Meaning this reflects how Mike actually feels about Will. In d&d, they have similar moral values, powers, and generally need and depend on each other in the lore of d&d. Paladins have similar healing powers to clerics, but clerics have stronger healing abilities - which is interesting since Mike has always been viewed as the protector. But to Mike Will has helped him (maybe deal with the loss of El and other trauma) , just by being there. And if Mike says Will is a cleric,despite Will still identifying as a wizard in s3, it shows how deeply Mike actually feels about Will. It shows he views Will as one of the only people who understands him and views him as a healing presence and his moral compass.

“ strength of conviction gave many paladins a sense of common fellowship but did not always endear them to others. In many cases, paladins did not get along quite as well with other non-paladin adventurers, with the exception of clerics with similar beliefs.”

“A Paladin tries to hold to the highest standards of conduct, but even the most virtuous Paladin is fallible. Sometimes the heat of emotion causes a Paladin to transgress his or her oath (of honesty, courage, compassion, honor ,and duty). A paladin who has broken a vow typically seeks absolution from a cleric who shares his or her faith or from another paladin of the same order. After a rite of confession and forgiveness, the paladin starts fresh.”

This proves Mike knows he treats Will special/different than his other friends- and unlike a relationship with El (they are still individuals who are not dependent on each other). And Mike thinks being with Will quite literally makes him a better person. Juxtaposed with how him being in a romantic relationship with El made him blind and apathetic to those closest to him .

- All the mileven s1 parallels vs byler s2 parallels were ALL initiated by Mike. If the parallels were meant to show a one sided love triangle (on Mike’s end). They would of made Will the instigator not Mike! Parallels can be watched here , start at 6:50)

-Mike initiated the “crazy together’ line- and in s3 he said ‘blank makes you crazy’. So subconsciously he knew the line had romantic connotations.

-Mike initiating the hand hold (with a zoom in shot) and in the show this is only done for romantic pairings. Also Mike being the one to initiate the ‘arm thing’ which is generally romantic. But in s3 , Lucas also does this, saying “I am spending quality time with my girlfriend’

-Mike saying, asking him to be his friend was the “best thing I’ve ever done”

-Mike constantly following Will around, asking if he’s okay or biking to his house to check on him in s2 . In s3 running out to chase Will to the garage and apologizing, and running into a storm to apologize a 2nd time.

YOU SEE A PATTERN! Mike is whipped! And is the one constantly chasing and pursuing Will, not the other way around! Before s3, people always portrayed Will as the (stereotypical- problematic trope of a) sad-pinning-gay in a one sided love with Mike. It’s like people didn’t even watch the show (and just assigned tropes/stereotypes they wanted, that weren’t actually there). Will (probably too shy or scared to- because of homophobic taunts) never initiated a single byler moment- it was ALWAYS Mike!!! If people were actually objective, they would of thought it was Mike who was the one pinning!

- Which brings me to Mike literally pinning! Mike forcing Will to dance with a girl (who has a rainbow hairclip), but you literally see Mike’s shocked expression like ‘what,why’d I do that ?’ And after this, they show Dustin looking sad about Max/Lucas dancing and then they have Mike get into the frame (next to Dustin) and look sad when Will/girl are dancing in the same exact frame as Max/Lucas. As they switch between these last 2 shots.

the cannon Spotify playlists-called ‘Mike’s basement beats’- These are character playlists that Spotify and St worked on together after s2.

-his first song is “small town boy” an 80s LGBT anthem about living in a small town and being queer and bullied. Every band member was openly gay.

-his 11th song is ‘don’t you want me’ from a “celebrate your gay pride” album

* But queer people are “delusional” for thinking Mike isn’t straight? And are told to “open your eyes and watch the show” (that was an actual quote in the byler tag). Ok? Take your own advice, then! XD

One of the Duffers cited inspirations for ST is SUPER GAY (and what they based the byler dynamic off of).

In the Will comic, Will throws an old 1970s book called “house of stairs” at the demorgorgan. And in a later chapter Mike and Will just read together at the library (just silently reading together, enjoying each others’ company-totally not a romantic cliche).And Mike warns Will the book ‘could have spoilers’ for the d&d campaign. Also look at this byler-centric cover :)

Peter (Will) is shy, quiet ,initially a pushover, and gay-coded. And as a coping mechanism he has psychological-breaks with reality where he thinks of his best friend from the orphanage, Jasper (Mike) . Another kidnapped boy, named Oliver (who looks just like Jasper/Mike) is also queer-coded (but a violent-sociopath). And, unlike Jasper who actually wanted to protect/take care of Peter -Oliver starts to gets a sick thrill out of making Peter dependent on him (which Peter catches on to pretty quickly). Oliver was insistent on being the only one to ‘wake’ Peter from his episodes (just like how Mike did for Will, in s2), except Oliver calls him pet-names like “sweetheart, baby, etc.”

And again to prove it’s queer-coded I’ll read some of the (shortened) quotes, in the order they were written. These are quotes from Peter (Will’s) pov talking about his childhood best-friend Jasper (Mike) .

-“his room. His and jaspers room. Jasper looking up from his desk, smiling glad to see him. Jasper saying . Something very important. The most important message, the secret message. He couldn’t hear him . But jasper keeps smiling , keeps talking . What was the message, jasper? What was the message? The dream had been beautiful at the beginning, terrible at the end, but he longed to be in it again. If only he hadn’t awakened.”

-“Jasper sitting on the bed and taking off his shoes ,smiling, ‘you’re okay pete, you’re better than a hundered of those slobs put together. Tomorrow I’ll tell them so myself‘ jasper’s strong, hard body as he got into bed ,so different from peter’s. Strong, to protect him to take care of him. Jasper, who always took care of him”.

-“He wanted to think about oliver it it was like having Jasper back again. It would disturb him to see Oliver go off with Abigail… the rejection quite painful. It had never been like that with Jasper…jasper.

-The room they shared with rainbow colors, murmuring comforting words to him , enclosing and protecting him. He let himself drift into it, the rainbow hues dimness.”

-“No one ever depended on him. It was he who always depended on others, on Jasper. jasper, who had always taken care of him. Jasper…”

later he admits his feelings for Jasper to Lola/el. Lola and Pete are plantonic soulmates. The only reason why they survive and don’t succumb to their dark and violent urges/psychological brainwashing is because of each other. Lola has brown hair and eyes and has a buzzcut and is heavily implied to be a lesbian (as she is the only girl in the group who is not fooled by Oliver’s ‘nice guy act’. Which makes the other girls ‘suspicious’ and alienate her). Also this was written in the 70s… she has a buzzcut and is said to “look like a boy”. It’s not that subtle! There was a reason that the author whose first name was WILLIAM (was suspected to be gay/bi when he was alive)! XD

-Peter says “ he was my friend we were always together . Jasper his name was jasper .in the dream he’s taking care of me’. Now he was beginning to cry, his throat constricting and tears welling up in his eyes .’taking care of me … he always took care of me… taking care of me, and , and … and loving me’. ‘”It was the best time in your life’ she murmured’. ‘Yes’ “

* cough protective childhood friend, rainbows, ‘best time of your life = best thing I ever did.

S3 ending (byler centric ending)

When we first see Mike during the Hopper mologue, the moving truck leaves. “Like you’re pulling away from me or something. I miss playing board games every night (d &d)”… (the last thing they talked about was Will visiting to play d&d and their fight this season started because of a disagreement about d&d.)

Then Mike looks back at the Byers house (just lingers there and looks back as his friends leave) like how Will did seeing Mike hold hands with El and leave . “But I know you’re getting older, growing, changing. I guess, if I’m being really honest, that’s what scares me. I don’t want things to change.”Mike , like Will “doesn’t want things things to change”. He doesn’t want his his feelings of friendship to become romantic in regards to Will, it “scares” him (especially in rural 80s Indiana). Right after Will cries, it immediately switches to Mike hugging his mom- to mirror the time he thought Will died in s1 “So I think maybe that’s why I came in here, to try and maybe stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were.” He goes back to his mother for comfort, like he did the 1st time he lost Will. But also to reverse back time, to s1, before he realized his feelings for Will were romantic. When things were simpler.

“But I know that’s naive. It’s just not how life works. It’s moving, always moving, whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it’s sad. And sometimes, it’s surprising. Happy.” (byler endgame)

Will (in s2) even says everyone treats him like ‘freak/ that something is wrong with him’ (purposely leaving out Mike from the discussion). And then when Will disparages himself as a freak,and Jonathan agrees but asks Will, ‘who would he rather be friends with- David Bowie (who was openly bi since the 70s) or Kenny Rogers’? And when Will says Bowie, Jonathan agrees saying “see, it’s no contest”.

So, it’s just another coincidence that when Will ‘dies’ (in s1) a David Bowie song (‘we can be heroes’) plays. And as Mike hugs his mom, mourning Will - a romantic lyric from the song plays during the hug?“And we kiss, as though nothing could fall. And the shame” (which is heavily queer coded)?

And then in the last ep (in s3) Mike mirrors this scene in s1, hugging his mom, since he feels like he’s losing Will all over again. And right after the hug (‘we can be heroes’) plays again!? I’m not saying byler is endgame. But- WAIT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M SAYING! XD

These men literally invented ‘hetero-baiting’ (with Robin & Steve) and you think they’re going to queer bait?!

Also, if Will was a girl named ‘Willow” no one would call byler ‘delusional’ ! Even the most casual viewer would say it’s obvious they’d end up together in the end!

If the witness said about El in s1 , “ same height… it could be the Byers girl”, instead of ‘boy’ (pointing out the resemblance). Mike only meeting El cause he was looking for Willow. Proclaiming “i’m the only one who cares about Willow!” . Mike getting into fights and getting upset (almost crying) about the bullies insulting Willow. Mike only getting angry at El when he thinks she lied about Willow being alive. Mike being the only boy who has a scene dedicated to his loss of her (with the same romantic lyrics playing). Mike having a whole binder of her drawings and caressing one of the drawings, after he thinks she died. Mike being the only one of her friends to stay awake at the hospital, waiting for her to wake up- so he can see her and hug her first. People probably would of started shipping it the second Willow stared at him and was the only one who didn’t lie to him, in the first ep! Another parallel to El!

If Will was Willow, the majority of the fandom would be byler shippers. Think about it! . Mike having s2 byler scenes that are identical to s1 mileven scenes, and then additional unique byler scenes. Mike staying by Willow’s side 24 hours a day for several days (not even changing clothes), carrying her out of the hospital, grabbing her hand (with a zoom in shot),constantly asking her if she’s okay at least 5-7 times, putting his arm around her twice, being the only one who could tell something was off with her (and it wasn’t her normal type of quiet). Calling and running all the way to her house and banging on the door to check on her, desperate. Watching her sleep cause he’s so worried. That shed scene reminiscing about how they first met in perfect detail, saying “I asked, I asked if you wanted to be my friend. You said yes, you said yes. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. (like a marriage proposal)” The “crazy together” scene. Them being close since they were 5 vs the girl he knew for a week (but is somehow in love with?). In s2 if Mike sadly watched Willow dance with another guy , while Dustin does the same to Max. Forget it- everyone would already know mileven would be doomed to fail.

And again think about s3 if Will was a girl.They parallel the (comedic) mileven breakup vs (the sad/serious) byler breakup. Then Mike just complains and burps on the couch vs apologizing to Willlow multiple times/even going into a storm to apologize a 2nd time (and to ‘talk’). Willow having a breakdown over the fight vs El laughing and high five-ing Max after.The shed vs the pool shed scene- “best thing I’ve ever done” vs “you’re the most important thing in the world to me”, “blank makes you crazy’ (as El stares confused) vs “crazy together’ (where Willow says ‘yeah, crazy together’). Mike going on ‘movie dates with Willlow all the time’ right after making out with El. The last mileven kiss where Mike has his eyes open the whole time, and doesn’t kiss back. And saying he doesn’t remember saying “I love” you to El (and doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back). Right after having a talk with Willow about playing games when she comes back (the crux of their fight). Mike getting excited that he’ll be able to visit El and Willow on Thanksgiving and them visiting him on Christmas (those are holidays where family usually introduces their S.O.) Having the last scene of Mike, be him looking back at Willow’s house, and have that whole monologue about “feelings changing”, and then he goes to hug his mom like the s1 byler scene where he thought Willow was dead, signifying he lost her again. And that’s not even all the scenes- and every time byler won by a landslide. If Will was a girl, we wouldn’t be ‘delusional’! It would be obvious writing on the wall, that Mike would eventually choose Willow over El by the end of the series.

But since they are 2 boys, we’re delusional, because queer kids don’t exist … apparently.

*S3-I’m not repeating my literal essays but they’re probably better than this post so here are the links to pretty much all my s3 byler meta. (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

gif credit: 1st few have the name stark in the gifs, 2nd byler gif (found on wheheart.com- user dream_daisy, not sure if they also have a Tumblr , 3rd livelovecaliforniadreams, 4th &10th Cath-avery, 5& 6th unknown, 7-9 eggogorgon . Tell me if you know the unknown one so I can give credit , please.

#byler #byeler

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writemywaytoyourheart · 5 years

Text

Requested: no, not at all

a/n: this has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me y'all. the only reason I made this was bc I want you all to know what can happen when you leave someone behind. So if you're struggling, please talk to someone, talk to me, my asks and dms are always open. Ily

*Listen to Clouds by Before You Exit, either before or after reading this*

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x reader

Genre: angst, bits of fluff scattered about, but just pure angst if we're being honest here.

Warnings: Language, suicidal death, panic attacks, depression, lots of hurt and depressed Kookoo I'm so sorry.

Word Count: 5.7k hoo

Read at your own emotional risk. If this is triggering for you do not read it please. Go find happy fluff on my Masterlist

The smile on your face could fool anyone. It sure did fool him.

The way you danced to the music no matter where you were or who was watching, made his heart skip a beat in his chest.

You would belt out whatever song was playing, even if you didn't know all the lyrics. A ton of 'la la la's' would ensue and he couldn't control his giggles while watching you. His heart pounded in his chest everytime he heard you sing, even though you weren't the best singer in the world.

The way you would subtly tell him that you were hungry–dramatically grabbing your stomach and groaning about how your belly button was surely sucking your spine because of how empty it was down there.

Your eyes would light up when he suggested getting lunch, and 'oh yeah sure, if you're hungry' would be your nonchalant reply, although the brightness in your eyes and the skip in your step as you hurried ahead of him gave you away. His heart fluttering as he was tripping over himself to catch up to you.

The way your eyes would get bigger as you looked at the food choices, whether he took you to a restaurant or a random food stand on the sidewalk. You were so excited every time.

The day Jungkook asked you to be his girlfriend would be etched into your memory forever. You'd been friends for about a year, he trusted you with everything and would always turn to you, and he knew that you were the person that he wanted to spend his life with, maybe have a family with someday. He actually knew it the day he first laid eyes on you–you were introducing yourself to them all, and reached Jungkook last stretching your hand out to shake his and the second you touched him–a bell went off. It startled Jungkook and he whirled around trying to find where it came from. He found that it was Jimin's alarm as the older boy quickly turned it off. He never told anyone until you two were dating, you were both hopeless romantics and you squealed in delight when he told you the story. He knew then that you were his soulmate.

The day he asked you to be his was in the spring, you two were walking along a path of cherry blossom trees. It was cliché but his cute stutter and pink cheeks made it a thousand times better.

Of course you also had your bad days, everyone does. But you always tried your best to keep a smile on your face. He admired you a lot for that. But he loved you just as much when you cried for hours, lying in his arms, feeling like you wanted to give up, when you didn't know what to do anymore, though he always helped you come down from that. On the less serious days, you would rant for a bit about what had you down, then suggest a dance party, and he would happily oblige.

You two would spin around dancing and singing along to the songs until your lungs inevitably gave out or your head got too dizzy, then you'd plop on the ground in a fit of giggles. Troubles long forgotten.

At least that's what you made him believe.

Yeah, you definitely fooled him.

Now you were gone.

And he would never get the chance to ask you why.

"Hello?"

"....Kookie?" Your voice on the other line sounded weak, it was late and he was worried you might be sick.

"Hey baby, what are you doing?"

"...Kookie, I'm sorry." Your voice broke at the end, Jungkook didn't think he'd ever heard you sound so sad and tired.

"What do you mean baby? It's okay, what's going on? Talk to me."

"Jungkook, I...I lo-" Were you crying? He tried to stay calm, "Y/n? Baby, what is it?" You didn't answer so he spoke again, a little louder this time, "Y/n, please answer me love."

...

'Hyung, I think I need to go to Y/n.'

All he can remember is pale.....pale walls, pale tiled floors, your body lying limp on them, pale pills dumped on the floor next to you.

Confusion and panic.

That's all he can remember. No matter how hard he tries to forget it.

Voices shouting around him. Someone grabbing his arms when he started to fade. Jin hyung picking you up in his arms, cradling your lifeless body and hurrying out of the bathroom. Where had the light in your eyes gone? Why did they look so empty?

'She's tired...she needs to sleep.'

He kept repeating the words to Hoseok who was holding him up now. Hoseok just nodded silently and held the youngest up the best he could.

'Hyung, she's sick. She needs medicine. She needs to sleep.'

Why was no one listening to him? Why was Jimin crying? Where did Y/n and Jin hyung go? What was going on? Why was Yoongi hyung shouting into a phone?

Hoseok practically carried Jungkook to the car, pushing him in and slamming the door shut behind them.

Why wouldn't Jimin stop crying? Why was Tae pale as a ghost as he sped down the road? Why was Namjoon trying to calm everyone down? Where were Y/n, Jin, and Yoongi?

What the hell is going on??

There you were, someone was wheeling you into a white room, on a white bed, your hair splayed haphazardly around your face.

That was the night he lost you.

That night.....It will haunt him for the rest of his life.

"Shut up Kookoo!" You laugh and hit him playfully, he couldn't help but reach out and tickle your sides to get you to stop smacking his chest–causing you to shriek and flail away from him. He loved that nickname that you always called him, and he wouldn't dare let anyone else call him that.

"Why should I?" He laughed as you kept trying to get away from his tickle attack. He had just beaten you at yet another round of 'Sorry', that stupid passive-agressive board game, and he wouldn't stop teasing you for making that one dumb move.

"It was a stupid accident Kook! Just shuddup already!" You couldn't stop laughing and kicking at him, trying to knock him off of you.

Eventually he pins your arms to your sides, and lays on top of you. You try not to let a smile break as he grins down at you, then he leans down and kisses your nose softly, then both your cheeks, he rubs his nose against yours before kissing your lips, "sorry baby, I'll stop teasing you now." He leans down and starts kissing all over your face again, giggles leaving your lips at the ticklish feeling...Then he takes your hand and looks at the little silver ring on your pointer finger–he had a matching one on his–he traces it and looks for the little engraving on it, then reads it aloud, " 'forever and always', remember when you didn't want that on it?" He makes a face at you and you laugh, "it's not that I didn't want it, it just sounded cheesy at the time. But I love it." He kisses you again,

"I love you Y/n."

"Love you too Kookoo."

"What are you saying?" The confusion and fear shook Jungkook's voice as he looked back and forth between Jin and the doctor he met only hours ago. None of the other members around could meet his eyes.

"What are you s-saying?" He repeated the question when no one answered him. The sound of Tae's voice cracking and his sobs starting didn't even register in Jungkook's brain. He didn't see Jimin trying to figure out who to go to, then settling on hugging Tae as if his life depended on it, seeing as Jungkook wasn't in the state to be touched.

"Please answer me." His voice was steadier than he expected. The doctor was the only one willing to look him in the eyes, "I'm sorry...but she's gone."

"Gone where?"

"What?"

"You're confusing me, please, just." Jungkook was obviously struggling, his eyes started to burn, from confusion and the frustration of not being understood.

"Jungkook-" Jin's eyes were red as he stepped forward to take his young friend's arm, but Jungkook moved back, away from Jin's reach.

"Can I please just go see her now? She needs me." Jungkook's voice broke again and he just wanted to scream, what was the matter with everyone? Why couldn't he go to you? "She needs me...."

"Jungkook, your girlfriend, she's-"

"...what?"

"She's dead, Jungkook. I'm sorr-"

"Stop it."

"Jungkook please-" Yoongi stepped up to him now, trying to take his arm, tears streaming steadily down the usually composed elder hyung's cheeks.

"Don't lie to me."

Namjoon and Hoseok were turned away, they couldn't watch anymore, their own faces were damp with tears, their eyes red and swollen.

"Jungkook, I wouldn't do that, I wish I could say it isn't true." The doctor himself was close to breaking down in tears, even though he'd seen many deaths, "I don't think it's a good idea for you to back there right no-"

Jungkook ignored him and pushed past everyone, heading straight to the room you were wheeled into a few hours ago.

The second he saw you lying on the bed, cold and motionless; his mind shut down. That wasn't you. That isn't you. It can't be. He saw you yesterday, you were in his arms yesterday. That wasn't you. He didn't know who that was, but his Y/n was fine, she was at home sleeping, she had work tomorrow. They were going to hang out tomorrow when she was done. Get ice cream and walk in the park.

You were alive. You were fine. They were all pranking him and trying to make him cry. He should call you, call you and tell on them. They were pranking him and it wasn't funny. You would scold the other members and cuddle him to make it okay again.

The sound of Hoseok sucking in a deep breath brought Jungkook back, he turned and saw the other members staring at the person in the bed. They looked sick, like they were going to cry or throw up, Jimin looked close to passing out. Jungkook shoved past them, "you're all assholes, I'm telling Y/n on you and you'll be sorry when she scolds you." Taehyung reached out for Jungkook, tears flowing freely down his face, "J-Jungkook, where are going?"

"I'm going to call Y/n, leave me alone." The boys stared after him in horror. They couldn't process everything that was happening too quickly.

Jungkook's hands shake as he dials your number, listening to the ringing. It rings again and again and again. He hangs up and tries again, after more ringing he gets sent to your voicemail; 'Hello this is Y/n, I'm sorry but I can't answer the phone right now, please leave a message. Unless you're Jungkook, in that case please call again, Kookoo! I'll answer for you.' your laugh bubbles out and then there's a beep, his voice gets caught in his throat, "Y-Y/n, it's Jungkook, please answer your phone, the boys did something horrible and I need to hear you." He tries to keep a steady voice, calling once more and getting the same message that says if it's him, to call again. So he does, again and again and again.

"JEON JUNGKOOK!"

Jungkook leapt up from your bed and sprinted to the living room after hearing your shout come from the bathroom, no way was he letting you get ahold of him now. He couldn't stop his giggles as he jumped on the couch and waited for you to get your revenge. Sure enough a few seconds later you stormed out of the hallway, eyes ablaze with fury.

"Jeon Jungkook what the hell is the matter with you??" Your hands are on your hips as you glare at the boy playing innocent in front of you.

"What do you mean Y/n?" His eyes are big and brown causing you to hesitate getting angry, curse his beautiful doe eyes.

"I'm gonna get you back Jeon." You harshly point an accusing finger at him and turn to stalk back to your room. At the sight of your wet shorts he bursts into a fit of laughter. You swing back around and glare at him again.

"Something funny?" There's no hint of amusement in your voice and he chokes back another laugh, biting his lip and shaking his head. You turn and go back down the hallway to change, "very unoriginal prank Jungkookie, very unoriginal. Just you wait. I'll get you worse than that." Yeah, plastic wrap on the toilet seat when you really had to pee was very unfunny.

"Love you babe!" He calls after you, smiling to himself, and chuckles when he hears you shout back,

"Shuddup, Kookoo."

"Shut up, you're a liar!!"

"Jungkookie, please, just listen to me." Tears streamed down Jimin's face as he held his hands out to his best friend, completely helpless.

"Get out!" Jungkook's voice broke despite the volume he was using.

"I'm not gonna leave you." Jimin's voice trembled and he sat down on the couch inside their dorm.

Jungkook clenched his fists, trying not to lash out at Jimin. He just wanted to be left alone.

"Jungkook, you need to go to the funeral. It's the least you can do." Jimin speaks up again after a few minutes. Jungkook turned on him instantly, "the least I can do? The least I can do? Who the fuck do you think you are telling me what to do?!" Jimin flinched at the words Jungkook was shouting down at him.

"Do it for her."

"Shut up."

"She loved you Jungkook."

"Stop saying that."

"I won't, because it's true."

"IT'S NOT TRUE!" Jungkook hadn't meant to scream that loud, Yoongi ran into the living room from the back when he heard the shouting.

"What's going on?" Yoongi looked back and forth between the two boys, confusion that turned into sadness written all over his face when he saw Jungkook tearing up. Jimin was the one to speak up, "he won't go to her funeral next week. He says she didn't love him." Yoongi looked back at Jungkook and saw tears spilling down the boy's face. The thoughts running around in his head were going to swallow him up.

You were selfish. How could you leave him like that? He hated you. No he didn't. He couldn't hate you no matter how hard he tried. No, he hated himself for loving you.

"Jungkook, I think you should go. At least for some closure." Yoongi said quietly and cautiously. After a minute Jungkook finally nodded, he would go. If it meant it would help him forget you.

Whenever he had a bad day, your face would pop into his mind and he'd immediately text you, asking if he could come over. You would always reply right away, and he'd smile down at the words 'of course love, please come over.' So he would.

You would end up holding him in your arms, it didn't matter that he was bigger than you, your arms would wrap around as much of him as they could hold, gently rocking him back and forth. His tears hitting your chest and bringing tears to your own eyes, when he was in pain, so were you.

You'd sit there for as long as it took, a few times you two had been in that position all night long. Sometimes you would sing to him, his favorite songs, lyrics tumbling from your lips, voice cracking beautifully in his ears. His sobs would turn to shaky breaths as he listened to the imperfectly perfect sound of your voice. Your hand stroking his hair, letting him know that you were there, you'd always be there.

You lied to me.

Those are the only thoughts that pass through his head as he stands among all the people dressed in black. A picture of you smiling is sat on top of a closed casket, your eyes seemed to be looking straight into his.

Why did you lie?

Jungkook feels someone's arm touch his, he turns and sees your mother holding onto him. Her eyes are red and swollen from all the tears she's cried in the past week, and they don't seem to be stopping anytime soon. He turns and hugs her tightly, his throat closing up at her weeping. Once she collects herself she looks up at him, "thank you Jungkook," he looks at her in confusion, "what for?" His voice is barely above a whisper and he feels his throat closing up again at her next words, "for loving my beautiful daughter. You made her happy. I don't think we'll ever know why she did it, but you're the reason she was here for so long, I do know that. She wanted to marry you." A sob escapes Jungkook's throat, "I w-was going to ask her." Your mother cries harder and holds his arm tighter, "I know, I know sweetie, thank you Jungkook, she loved you so much. Thank you."

A little while into the funeral, Jungkook starts to feel himself panic; his breaths getting shorter and shallower. You weren't here to talk him out of this panic attack. You would never be here again. The other members are all sitting stone faced, their eyes are red and a few have tears welling up again. You're never going to make Yoongi laugh again, or make Jimin blush, or tease Namjoon for being clumsy, or compliment Jin on how handsome he is, you'd never dance with Hoseok again, and who would listen to Tae talk about the most random things, with a look of pure awe and interest in what he was wanting to say? Jungkook starts to hyperventilate and when people turn and look at him he rushes out of the room and into the hallway, trying to find someplace to be alone.

The hallway is dark and he sits on the floor a ways away from where the funeral is being held. That's when the tears come; flooding down his face instantly, and his sobs wrack his entire body, he can't get a deep enough breath in to calm himself down. So he sits there and sobs helplessly for a few minutes, each breath after the next getting caught in his throat.

"God," he finally chokes out after a while, "w-why did you take her away? There was so much we were going to do together. I never even got to say goodbye," then he clasps his hands and starts crying again, "I-I'll do anything, please just give her back to me. P-please let me have her back....God, please." Jungkook sits and cries for another few minutes, saying anything he can possibly think of that he would do to have you back. For you to be alive again. So many words he wanted to say and never would. He wanted to at least know if you were doing alright, up in the sky where he knew you were. He wanted you to be alive again.

But it was too late.

The fight you two were having had been going on for a while now, and frankly you were over it. You couldn't even remember why it started. But Jungkook was clearly still angry and wanted to get the last word, "maybe you should stop being so whiny and annoying Y/n, and then I'd listen to you!" That stung. You've fought before but you never called each other anything, your eyes start to water and you grab your bag, throwing it over your shoulder and heading for the door. Jungkook rolls his eyes, "where are you going now? Why do you think running away all the time is gonna solve everything?" He sounds exasperated and like he doesn't even want to keep fighting now.

You turn back to face him, "I'm getting some fresh air, thank you very much, and I don't see why you should care since I'm so annoying and whiny." You go to open the door and he stands up, coming over to you. You can see the regret at his words in his eyes, but you can't find it in you to get over it just yet. You needed a break. He puts a hand on the door to keep you from opening it, "Y/n, you know I didn't mean that." You scoff and reach for the door handle again before he grabs your hand, "then why did you say it, Jungkook?" He just looks down and stays silent, yeah that's what you thought. You yank your hand away and open the door, "fuck you Jungkook. Leave me alone."

A few hours later you had mostly calmed down and you were at home reading a book in bed, when your doorbell rings. You get up and walk over to it reluctantly, you already know who it is before you look through the peephole, but you do so anyway and see Jungkook standing there biting his lip, just like you knew he would be.

You open the door and he looks at you hopefully, so you open the door wider to let him in. He immediately wraps his arms around you in a tight hug and you can't help but to hug him back, you knew he was sorry and you were tired of being angry. You talk it out and he apologizes for everything he said, you apologise for the things you said too. Eventually you end up watching a movie and cuddling after talking through it all. He kisses the top of your head and you smile, grateful that you two could always work things out. You mess with the little silver ring on your finger, smiling and remembering how he won the matching pair for you both.

"Jungkook, maybe you should take a break." Jimin wipes the sweat off his forehead and walks to his bent over friend slowly, putting his hand on his back and rubbing it, "look, we have a while to learn it, please just rest Kook-" Jungkook jerks away roughly, "please don't call me that." His voice was different, heavier and without a lot of feeling, it had been like this for almost a year now. Jimin looks hurt but says nothing more. They all saw a difference in Jungkook since you passed away, they would hear him crying in his room every night, they wouldn't miss the tears that choked him during certain songs they performed. There was an emptiness around them all, and they weren't sure it would ever be filled again.

Tae walks over when he sees the scene unfolding, he looks at Jungkook and tries not to look upset for his best friend, knowing it would just make things worse, "alright guys, we're all going to take a ten minute break...Jungkook can we talk please?" Jungkook huffed but agreed, moving over to sit on the couch on the side of the dance room. The other members walked out of the room to give them some privacy.

"Look, Jungkook. I'm not going to try to say anything much, but I do want to say this. Y/n loved you, she was hurt and couldn't tell anyone. It isn't your fault, Jungkook. No one saw it coming."

"I should have."

"Don't say that."

"It's true though, what kind of boyfriend was I that I didn't even see the signs? That she felt like she had to hide it from me? I-it's all my fault." Jungkook's eyes start to water and his breathing starts to get quicker and shaky, a panic attack was coming on. Tae swallows his tears and reaches over to put a hand on Jungkook's leg, bringing him back. Tae swallows hard and trudges on,

"It wasn't your fault. But, I think you need to seriously think it all through, and then let go."

"I don't want to let go."

"Why not?"

"Because no matter how hard I try and say I want to, I don't want to forget about her."

"You don't have to forget about her Ko-...Jungkook...But I think she wants you to keep living without her now, she would be sad to see you like this."

"Then maybe she shouldn't have been so selfish and decide to leave me alone."

"You don't mean that." Tae can't keep his shaky tear stained voice under control and he turns away to wipe his eyes.

Of course he didn't mean it, but being angry seemed to make it hurt less. Maybe he should try, like Tae said, maybe he could try to keep you in his heart while continuing to live.

Like you would want, and he always wanted to make you happy.

"Hey, Y/n. What about this one?" Jungkook tugs you over to the huge ride, the kind that swoops around in a giant loop. Your stomach drops to your feet but he looks so excited; bouncing up and down with his big doe eyes shining brightly.

Well, at least you hadn't eaten anything yet. Maybe you could do it once before lunch and get it over with. He lets out a shout of excitement when you nod and then he pulls you over to the line of people waiting to get on the ride. As you wait for your turn you tap your foot anxiously, Jungkook notices and wraps his arms around your waist. You smile and he lays his chin on your shoulder, "love you baby~" you tsk and bring your hand up to pat his cheek gently, "love you too, I hope you know that since I'm doing this for you." He chuckles and holds you tighter.

After the ride, which wasn't as bad as you thought–having held Jungkook's hand tightly the entire time–you two find a table to get some lunch. You order and try to ignore Jungkook's teasing about how hard you held his hand and how he thought it would fall off. He keeps laughing as you roll your eyes playfully and avoid looking at him.

When the food comes, you both start to eat, then you notice a little girl and her older brother ordering some ice cream at one of the many food stalls in the fair, a few feet away. Jungkook turns to see what you're smiling at and smiles widely himself as he turns back to you. "I bet that's what our kids will do someday, Y/n...We should take them here, right?" You look at Jungkook happily and nod, you couldn't wait for that day to come.

Later that day, you and Jungkook stopped at the claw machines, Jungkook insisted on trying to get you a stuffed animal. After about ten tries he frustratedly walked away, you tried not to laugh at him walking away only for him to see another machine and say he actually wanted to get you that; which was a little egg with two silver rings in it. One for you and one for him, he said.

Miraculously he was able to get the little egg and he cheered loudly in triumph, reaching down to get it out of the machine and quickly telling you to put the smaller one on. It was cute, and Jungkook's matched.

Later you ended up getting the engraving, 'forever and always' on it.

Jungkook's eyes open slowly, the sun shining in through the window, signalling to him that it was time to get up now. He closes his eyes again and turns onto his side, pulling the covers up to his chin and taking a shaky breath. He tries his best to conjure up the dream he just woke up from, he didn't want to leave. Please come back. His eyes start to burn and tiny tears pour over his lashes when he blinks.

His alarm goes off a minute later but he just ignores it, the insistent beeping drowned out in his thoughts, he can't escape. When he opens his eyes again he sees you lying beside him. He blinks but you're still there.

"Hi Kookoo."

"Y/n?" His voice shakes uncontrollably as he tries to make sure he isn't dreaming.

Your eyes fill with tears and you nod, "yes Kookie, it's me."

"H-how...are you still alive? Y/n are you actually alive?" His voice starts to raise in hopes that maybe this had all been a nightmare. A horrible horrible nightmare. He starts to sit up on his arms but his face falls and his heart crumples when you shake your head, tears slipping out and rolling down your soft cheeks. Your face looks so soft and healthy, not at all what it looked like the last time he saw you.

"I'm sorry Kook, I'm so sorry." Your voice cracks and wavers as you start to cry. He reaches out and touches your wet cheeks, slowly rubbing the tears away and at the same time doing the one thing that he knew always calmed you down.

"Shhh, it's okay love. Don't cry please." He didn't care if this was a dream, you were here. His beautiful Y/n had finally come back to him. He wipes your tears gently, after he wipes them all away he keeps his hand on your cheek, softly rubbing with his thumb.

"Jungkook, I need to say something."

He looks at you and feels his tears returning, he nods and says slowly as if just realizing something, "that's why you're here isn't it? That's why you came back." You close your eyes and take a deep breath, then nod while you bite your lip, trying your very hardest not to throw yourself into his arms and cry.

"Y-yes, Kookie I need you to-"

"Don't."

"What?" You open your eyes again and see the desperation in his face as he seems to be having a battle with himself, "don't tell me, please. Y/n please don't leave me again." He starts to cry and your heart is torn to pieces, he reaches out to you and you push yourself into his arms.

Jungkook's mind is racing a mile a minute. You were in his arms, you were alive and in his arms. He hadn't felt your warmth for over a year and a half now. Jungkook buries his face into your hair and inhales deeply, memories flooding back into his mind. "Y/n, are you okay? Please tell me you're doing okay." He feels your tears wetting his t-shirt and he holds you tighter, listening carefully when you start talking again–voice muffled by his shoulder, "I'm alright Kookie I promise, but I miss you...I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize the effect it would have until it was too late." Jungkook's breath catches in his throat at your words. He leans back and brushes your damp hair out of your face, "how long do I have?" He whispers sadly, tears threatening to choke him once again.

The walk. The walk in between the cherry blossom trees all that time ago when he confessed, that's where you went.

You walk side by side, holding hands, eventually you stop and turn to Jungkook. He focuses on you even though all he wants to do is turn away and cry. You smile at him and squeeze his hand, "Jungkook," he blinks hard and nods in affirmation that he's listening. "Jungkook, I don't have a lot of time. But I need you to promise me something." He nods again and you continue, "w-when I leave, I'm not coming back," you ignore the tears streaming down your face, "I need you to promise me that when I let go of your hand, you won't look back." Jungkook takes in a shuddery breath, "I'm sorry Y/n, that I didn't see, I couldn't save you. I don't know if I ca-" you cut him off before he can finish. "You can, and none of it was your fault Kookie, it isn't your fault. If I could take back what I did," he shakes his head tears already slipping out again, but you continue, "I would take it all back. I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I hurt you in the process. I ruined the future we were going to have one day." You're full on crying now as he cries next to you, his shoulders shaking, "and I want you to know how sorry I am." He pulls you into a hug and cries into your shoulder, his breath comes out in heavy gasps, "I forgive you Y/n, I forgive you, I love you so much." He keeps repeating those words while you hold each other for another minute, just crying. Tears of sadness and relief that he forgave you spill out of your eyes and you clutch onto him.

You two go to a ton of different spots that you had dates, stopping to get ice cream, to fulfill the promise you broke the day you died. Eventually you end up at the fair, standing in front of a claw machine that was full of random items, one of them being a small egg that contained two rings. You stare at the machine for a minute before turning to the young man that you loved. He was staring at you, one hand in his pocket fiddling with something, you look at him curiously and he looks down, pulling his hand out and opening it, to reveal a small ring with a chain around it, your ring.

"Jungkook, you still have that?" You refuse to cry again, but you see his eyes well up with tears. You hated that he cried so much nowadays, and hated more the fact that it was you who caused it.

"Of course, we made a promise Y/n, 'forever and always', remember?" You nod tearfully not caring about your stupid 'no crying' rule anymore, and he wipes your eyes gently.

"I'm scared Y/n, I don't want you to leave me again." His voice trembles and he doesn't try to stop the tears. You hug him tightly, letting your own tears escape for the last time, "I'll be with you Kookoo, forever and always. But I have to go know, please keep your promise?" He nods as he hugs you against him, then he pulls back and kisses you quickly before he starts to cry harder. Jungkook hugs you one last time, enveloping you in his big strong arms, the last time either of you would feel each other.

The regret and anger with yourself is overwhelming you, but Jungkook hugs it all away. In a tight warm promise that he's forgiven you and he will keep his last promise to you.

You both pull away and that's when you turn, giving his hand one last squeeze before you walk a few feet, "goodbye Jungkook," you whisper your last words to him, he swallows hard, "goodbye Y/n, I love you." With those words in your ears you walk away and disappear.

Jungkook lets out one last sob and puts the necklace with your ring on it around his neck. He got to say his goodbye. He would never forget you, he didn't want to. But, he forgave you and he would live on with your memory in him. He kept in his heart what he knew; that someday, he would see you again. When you meet in the clouds.

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a/n 2.0: I can't stop sobbing rn. Somebody help me. I'm so sorry for this, but I hope this shows you that there is always another way, but when it's over, it's over. You can't come back. More people than you know will miss you. The future is unknown. So please stay.

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