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supercxrpschild · 4 years

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hearts to heal

hi, please read this prior to reading the piece !

so, i wrote this over the last few days. I was not in a good place, and I needed to write something cathartic. I wrote this because I feel so utterly alone and to have not one, but 4 people care so deeply about you, to hold you, to comfort you, take care of you - I crave it more than anything.

there is a trigger warning for self-harm. it is not romanticed, this isn’t a story of giving up. it’s a story of family and hope - but please do be aware that there is scenes depicting it. there is also mentions of OCD, anxiety and depression.

please be kind about this work, as i wasn’t sure whether or not to share it.

Word Count: 2146 (i think my longest yet? it kinda got away from me...)

Alex frowned at the text she just received. It was from your school alerting her that you had not turned up to your first class.

“Something the matter, Director?” Brainy queries, leaning across the desk.

Alex looks up, “hm?”

“Your face has contorted into a displeased expression.”

“Oh, sorry Brainy. It’s all good, it’s just y/n. She didn’t turn up at school.”

Brainy furrows his brows, “That would make it day number 4, wouldn’t it, Director Danvers?”

Alex thought for a minute - he was right. She had been so wrapped up in work that she couldn’t keep track of days. She didn’t realise this was the fourth day within a week that she had been alerted by the High School of your non-attendance. What else hadn’t she noticed?

“Dammit. Brainy, I’ve gotta go. Do you think you could cover for me today? I know we have a lot of stuff going on but-”

“I will be happy to assume your duties for today, Director.” Alex smiles gratefully as she moves to go grab her stuff and head home,

“Thank you Brainy, I owe you.”

Alex rushed to her car, bumping into Kara on the way.

“Alex? Where are you going?”

“Shit, I’m sorry Kara, I forgot about our lunch today.” Kara shook her head and held her sister’s wrist, “Don’t worry about that, what’s up?”

“It’s y/n, she hasn’t been going to school and I just, I’ve been so busy here and we’ve barely even caught each other. I’m going home to check on her, I’m just so worried Kara, what if something’s really wrong and I just never noticed?” Kara moved her hand, so it was now holding Alex’s, trying to ground her some.

“Hey, whatever’s going on, it’ll be okay. You had a lot on this week, with the President visiting and then those alien’s taking hostages downtown. Y/n and you have an understanding for when work becomes like this. It’ll be okay.” Alex nods, rubbing her free hand across her face. “Now go get home to your girl, okay? And call me if you need anything. I’m with Lena tonight, but we can both come if need be.”

Alex thanked her sister again and then drove home, her heart beating out of her chest as she climbed the stairs to both of your apartment.

“Y/n?! Y/n, honey I got a text from the school – they said you weren’t there.” Alex called out as she dropped her bags.

“Y/n?” Alex looked around, everything was off and untouched.

As she walked around the apartment, she ran her hand through her hair, messing it from the slicked back style she had put it in a few hours before.

She walked into your room, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw your curled up in bed asleep. She debated for a moment on whether to wake you up or not, eventually going over and sitting by you, rubbing your arm softly.

“Mom?” you mumbled sleepily,

“Yeah honey.” You blinked the sleep out of your eyes,

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Alex said, her hand now moving the brush the hair from your face.

You shifted uncomfortably. It had been a good week of being able to hide everything from your mom, but it was never going to last forever.

“Y/n?, you wanna tell me why you haven’t been going to school?” You shook your head and tried to snuggle back down into your covers.

Alex moved so you were facing her again after turning away,

“Y/n, I’m so sorry I haven’t been here. But I’m here now and I need you to tell me what’s going on.” Your mom’s gentle hand threaded through your hair, though she chose not to comment on the state of it.

“I’m fine mom.” Alex used her free hand to move your face towards her. Your eyes were sunken in, dark circles under them. Your face was red and splotchy, and you looked exhausted.

“Baby, I can tell right now that you are not fine, so out with it.”

Tears began welling up in your eyes. You couldn’t break now, not after hiding things for months and months. What would she do when she finds out? Probably send you away, probably hate you.

You pushed the tears away, swiping at them furiously. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“I know you don’t want to, y/n.”

“Then why won’t you leave me alone?!” Alex sat shocked; you had never raised your voice at her.

“Y/n- ”

“No! I don’t want help; I don’t need help. I am FINE.” You huffed and turned away.

Alex decided to give you a moment. A moment so she could think about what to do next. She didn’t want to force you to open up to her, because then it would lack genuineness and could damage the trust between you both. But she was so damn worried about you.

Within that minute that Alex had left you alone for, you managed to get past her and lock yourself in the bathroom – Alex only becoming aware when she heard the door shut.

“Dammit y/n.” She whispered to herself before knocking on the door.

“What mom!? Am I not allowed to pee alone anymore?!” You and her both knew that wasn’t what you were doing; and knowing your mom – a badass DEO agent – you had very limited time before the door was busted open.

You felt below the sink, pulling the blade from where you’d hidden it. Wasting no time, you slashed at your thighs, the relief immediate.

Right on time, Alex forced the door open.

“Oh baby.” You looked up at her, begging her not to get any closer. “Let’s put that down, alright y/n? Then we can get you cleaned up and talk.” You shook your head, feeling yourself become unwound.

“No, please. I just, I just need to do it two more times. It doesn’t work if its only once, please mom please.” Alex cringed slightly, how didn’t she notice that you had been on a downward spiral? That your OCD was coming back full force? That your eating habits changed, that your anxiety and depression were spiking again – how didn’t she realise?

“Y/n, please put it down.” You scooted across the floor, putting as much distance between you both as you could.

“I need it mom, please.” Tears rolled down your cheeks with no sign of stopping. Alex was doing the most to keep hers at bay. She couldn’t do this.

You look down at your thigh, blood dripping. You didn’t notice your mom flipping open her watch and pressing the button that had your aunt rushing through the door within the minute.

“Kara, please, I can’t – I don’t wanna hurt her. I don’t know how to stop her.” Kara took over, seeing her sister’s frantic state and pulled you into her lap, shushing you softly. You were no match for her kryptonian strength as she threw the blade towards your mom, who then flushed it.

You wailed and wailed, trying desperately to get out of Kara’s grip. She never wavered, just calmly whispering to you. Eventually, Alex pulled herself together and sat down on the bathroom floor with you both, noticing you beginning to stop fighting.

“My sweet, sweet girl.” She whispered, holding your face in her hands, kissing away the tears of anguish and suffering.

“Mommy.” You reached out from your Auntie Kara’s grip, latching onto Alex. “’m sorry mommy, ‘m sorry.”

“Shhh, shhh honey. It’s all okay. I’ve got you.” Alex paid no attention to the blood that was getting over her clothes. All she cared about was holding you tight.

Kara sat quietly, watching her niece and her sister who were both clearly in pain and scared. Alex usually always had control of situations, so when Kara came in to see her frozen and desperate it scared her.

“Hey, I think we should have a look at your leg, y/n.” Kara said softly, not wanting to break up the mother-daughter moment; but being the only one who got a good look at your thigh, she knew the depth of the wounds.

Alex tried to ease you off her, coaxing you until you eventually let go. She didn’t realise the damage you’d done. Not only the new, deep cuts; but the hundreds of scars covering your skin. She felt like she’d failed.

“Baby, I think you need stitches for a couple of these.” Alex said, tucking your hair behind your ear.

“I’m not getting stitches. It’s fine, Mom.” Kara interjected,

“They’re pretty bad sweetheart.”

You shook your head. “I’m not going to a hospital. You can’t make me.”

Kara looked at Alex, trying to see if they were on the same page.

“We could call Lena, then her and I can do it.” Your mom says, nodding to Kara who pulls out her phone.

Kara lifted you onto the bathroom counter. There were some perks to having two people trained in some sort of medicine in your chosen family, you guessed. They could perform small things like this. But sometimes, like today, it just didn’t make things any easier. Your Aunt Kara tried to talk to you, keeping your eyes on her as her sister and girlfriend cleaned your wounds and stitched them up. You had tears of pain dripping down your face, but your bared it. Just.

“We’re done, y/n. You did so well darling.” You blushed slightly at Lena’s praise. Reaching for your mom, she had no hesitation in pulling you into her arms, albeit struggling a little.

There was a knock at the door, and given you wouldn’t let your mom go, Kara went and answered it.

It was Kelly, who had brought over homemade soup, bread and some ice-cream.

With you still attached to her hip, Alex kissed her girlfriend and whispered a small thank-you. Kelly smiled knowingly and rubbed your shoulder.

The four older women would do anything to make sure the youngest of their family was okay, and seeing you so obviously not, was painful.

“Should we eat something bub?” Alex asked gently, you shook your head. “Kelly brought your favourites.” You shook your head again,

“Don’t wanna eat.” Alex sighed. You’d truly slipped so far backwards.

She tried to put you down on the couch, eventually compromising so you were sitting on her lap. It was a long hour of persuading and encouragement from all four women, but you ended up eating something.

Kara tried to lighten the mood, talking about anything and everything to keep your mind off the food. It worked for the most part, but you just couldn’t stop thinking about how utterly fat you were. You shouldn’t need to eat.

It felt like you were just a lifeless sack, being passed from one person to another; your brain having difficulty processing what was going on until it was happening. Your mom placed you into a full tub, scrubbing your dirty hair and body. There was faint commotion somewhere else in the apartment, but you couldn’t focus long enough to figure out what it was.

Kara and Lena worked on changing your bed, giving you fresh sheets and blankets. Kelly called a couple contacts she had that were good at working with adolescents. It would be hard to bring up the fact that you have to go back to therapy; you weren’t too fond of it. But Kelly was happy to help make it as comfortable as it can be, even looking for someone who was in the same building as her so she could be there if need be.

Lena offered to braid your hair while your mom, aunt Kara and Kelly talked outside. You welcomed the attention and began to drop off as nimble fingers threaded through your freshly washed hair, despite it only being the afternoon.

“You can go to sleep darling, it’s okay.” Lena said gently as she finished the second braid. You surprised her by turning into her and nuzzling her neck; desperate for the comfort wherever you could find it after isolating yourself for so long.

Alex walked in, telling Lena that both Kara and Kelly had to go back to work, at least for an hour or two.

“I’m happy to stay if you both need someone here?” Lena replies, smoothing your hair as you get nearer to sleep.

“Thank you, Lena. But we’ll be alright; plus, I’m pretty sure the other two are coming back tonight, if you want to come too. They’re worried about her.” Lena nods,

“I am too.” Alex realises how much you mean to all four of them. This little girl, who was maybe not so little, had such a huge part of their hearts – hearts that now ached alongside yours. Though, hopefully, they would be hearts to help heal yours, too.

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antagonistchan · 3 years

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the general MAJOR CONTENDERS FOR THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE:

2007, i just have such strong memories of 2007 in general and that’s the year i started to get into fandom culture via Pokemon shipping

2009, for the same reasons most people like 2009 (2009 was overall a pretty popular year, i see so many people- not just my age, but even people significantly younger or older than me- fondly reminisce about 2009 all the damn time)

2011, because it was the final year of my True Childhood. every year since 2011, i’ve been in a state of “wow, i kinda miss the past”. i had nostalgia before 2011, but it was generally just a sorta “going back to things i used to love when i was younger is kinda fun and charming” thing, i didn’t actually miss the past at all.

2013, because 2012 was actually a pretty good and formative year for me in general despite being the first year of my Current Existence (hell, in some ways because it was the first year of my Current Existence, not everything about my Current Existence is bad) and 2013 was very much an extension and evolution of 2012 and it was the year i realized i was trans!

2016 may have been an infamously shitty year as far as most of the world was concerned, and i definitely felt the weight of that at the time... but for me personally, it was an extremely good year. i graduated high school and felt like i was really moving on up from the world, and i had so much more freedom than i’d ever had before, and i finally came out as trans more publicly! (before, i was out to my internet friends and my parents, but now i was also out to my close extended family and my irl friends and teachers)

2019 was the year i actually started making For Real progress in my life. right at the beginning of the year, i made a new friend, and then two weeks later i started dating her, and then after that i just kept making more and more friends that i actually managed to hang out with a ton (i hadn’t really had irl friends since 2016, and my online relationships pre-2019 had gotten somewhat more shallow over time). around the same time, i also started taking my transition WAY more seriously, started introducing myself to new people as a girl named Emily, and even started making pretty damn good progress on actually learning how to be an adult! and while i don’t really look back on my relationship with my ex-girlfriend super fondly, i DO at least admit that that was the first step towards me really taking my life into my own hands for the first time since 2016.

and then alternatively, the general MAJOR CONTENDERS FOR THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE:

2014 is a year i just barely remember, and the memories i do have are largely about a downward spiral i was having at school where i just barely passed the 10th grade and was starting to seriously lose my grip on my ADHD (this was the year i started taking Adderall). the last few months were better though- i started taking Adderall, transferred to a new school for 11th grade (which was associated with my middle school, so i reunited with a ton of my middle school friends), and discovered my first Main Wife, IA the Vocaloid.

2018 started with the realization that i had completely wasted 2017, and then the worst month of my life as i grappled with fairly intense depression (and while i’m grappling a little with that depression again this year, this time i at least have friends to make me feel significantly better; but in 2018, i only really had four friends i was really keeping up with, and i was pretty distant with all four). and then after that things improved significantly- i started the Antagonist Gets Her Shit Together: The Movie initiative and made some pretty good progress on that, i started to actually feel more involved in communities i cared about, and cool news actually came out that made me generally feel pretty good.... but then, while these memories were kinda fine and good, looking back on 2018...... i was such an obnoxious weirdo back then. i was in a hardcore Anti phase for pretty much that entire year. i was pretty consistently a bit of an Anti all the way from 2014 to 2018, but i was much more benign from 2014-2017. 2018 is when i got into the really hardcore Anti territory. like, while i’d disagree with some of the opinions i held from 2014-2017, i could still get along with myself from back then- i mean, i’m not outright Anti-Anti, and i doubt i ever will be. however, i could not get along with myself from 2018, she was just WAY too holier-than-thou about fucking everything. but then the year ended with the Tumblr NSFW Ban, which was itself bad, but on the bright side, it kinda knocked some sense into me and helped me develop into the much more reasonable 2019 me who was pretty easily the best version of me.

2022 has only just started but it is off to a crazy bad start. it started with the realization that i had completely wasted 2021 (and to a lesser extent 2020), and then i started grappling with that depression again (though again, this time it was more manageable because my life is still in a way better place than it was in 2018), and then i started having an ongoing existential crisis about the meaning of life, and then i started stressing because i realized “oh fuck, i’m 24 and turning 26 can be a death sentence in America if you’re not prepared and i’ve spent all my time since graduating high school just kinda wandering with no real idea of who i wanna be”, and then i had some massive social drama that left me with a few less friends and a feeling of being super manipulated. still, i’ve got hope the rest of the year can be better, i’m actually making real progress on figuring my life out again for the first time since, like, 2019.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

2012, for Best Year: as i already said in 2013, 2012 was a super good year; 2013 was basically just “2012 but Even Better”

2015, for both Best and Worst Year: it was my final full year of high school and man i felt it. i was generally having fun in my daily life, my love for IA was at its absolute peak, and i went on a vacation to Germany (the first and last time i ever left North America as of yet) that totally ruled... but also it was the first year that current events started to make me feel Bad. i have very vivid memories of, in December 2014, telling someone that only three celebrity deaths had ever truly impacted me emotionally......... and then 2015 had several celebrity deaths that hit me like a truck, starting with Monty Oum. and lots of other weird trends were starting to hit me at the time. there are certain aspects of my relationship with sexuality that are a bit unhealthy and i’m still trying to resolve, and they definitely first started to become a problem in 2015 (thankfully, in 2019, my sexuality started also positively contributing to my life, so that’s good)

2017, for Worst Year: i wasted pretty much the entire year doing absolutely nothing with myself.

2021, for Worst Year: i wasted pretty much the entire year working aimlessly on a project that was going nowhere, developing friendships with people who weren’t really worth it, and just kinda largely avoiding actually being alive. plus, the pandemic. the pandemic started in 2020, yeah, but honestly it was more bearable then. in 2020, everything felt kinda hopeful that this wouldn’t last too long if we handled it right, and there was a real sense of community from all the people stressed about the current events... and all that kinda fizzled out in 2021. thankfully, i was also developing the friendships i genuinely care about and getting into new hobbies, so it wasn’t all wasted.

#antagonist originals #antagonist gets her shit together: the movie

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murasaki-murasame · 4 years

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Thoughts on Higurashi Gou Ep19

OK this episode was actually just fucking with me by having Rika at a Western-style preppy boarding school drinking tea in a parlor and having debates with people. This level of concentrated Umineko content bait is going to literally kill me at some point.

Thoughts under the cut. [Plus even more Umineko stuff, but honestly who can even blame me at this point, lmao]

I don’t think I commented on it last week, partly because I was hoping we’d get the actual visuals for it in this episode, but the new ED theme is extremely good. I think I like it a lot more than the first one, but they’re both really good. I’m kinda biased though, since the new ED feels extremely Umineko-y, but still, it’s really good.

I’m kinda surprised that we still haven’t gotten the visuals for it yet. And instead of just having the ED theme play over the final scene of the episode or something, it was another round of having the credits roll over a black screen for the duration of the ED, which makes the continued lack of visuals really noticeable. I guess it’s possible that they just haven’t completed the animation for it yet, but I’m hoping that they’re holding back on it because something about the visuals for it is a spoiler for something that’ll happen in the next episode or two. And that makes me really curious to see what it might show, since at this point there’s only a narrow list of things that could probably be ‘spoilers’ for upcoming stuff in this arc.

Realistically I doubt it’d be on the level of straight up showing Umineko characters, but I’m probably still gonna get my hopes up anyway, lol.

At the very least, with how this episode brings us to 1987, and we know that Rika dies as a teenager in 1988, we’re rapidly approaching the point where everything goes to shit, and we already know that Satoko apparently got contacted by Oyashiro-sama, so honestly it wouldn’t be that strange for some kind of witch character to show up, even if maybe they’ll be presented in a somewhat abstract and indirect way.

Anyway, this episode went a long way to show the path of trauma that leads Satoko to initiating the new loop, but I think there’s going to be more going on in the next episode or so that really pushes her over the edge. Obviously she’s already in a downwards spiral because of Rika drifting away from her, and her being socially isolated all over again, but I don’t think this alone would make her go as far as trapping Rika in an endless torture loop.

I wonder if maybe Satoko is going to start getting directly bullied by the other girls at the school, rather than just being ostracized by them. It’d suck to see it happen, but it’d be the sort of thing that’d make her situation even worse than it is now.

From what we heard here about how the school runs, I don’t think they’d directly expel Satoko for having low grades, but if she winds up slipping into the Special Class, it’d probably make her feel more and more like everything could fall apart for her at any moment, which could also make her way more volatile.

I’m pretty sure we already know that Rika ends up getting killed in 1988, and that’s how she got thrown into the new loop, so I’m curious to see how that ends up panning out. Satoko might just end up snapping and straight up killing her out of anger, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s some kind of horrible accident. With what Satoko was saying in this episode about wishing she could just have fun setting up traps around the school, I could see her setting up a situation that ends up getting Rika killed.

Either way, it feels like we’re on the brink of disaster, and I’d be surprised if it takes more than one more episode to show how everything falls apart and the loops start.

Which is also making me wonder how the arc as a whole will be paced out. In spite of being the longest arc in the show, it feels like there’s still a LOT that needs to be covered. We still need at least one more episode to conclude this big flashback sequence, then we’ll probably get some sort of flashback to show how the Gou question arcs played out in the background to solve those mysteries, and then we still have to go back to the end of Nekodamashi to follow up on that whole cliffhanger, and get into whatever the true ending of the show will be.

I still doubt that we’ll get a full second season, but I’m just not sure if five more episodes will be enough to do everything it needs to do.

At the very least, I’ve basically given up hope on Gou doing more than the bare minimum to touch upon Rena or Shion’s backstories at this point, lol.

I’m also still wondering what the ending will be like in the first place. Ideally everything would just work out fine and Rika and Satoko will talk things out and resolve everything peacefully after we return to Nekodamashi, but I’m feeling more and more like this will have a darker ending than that. Mostly because it really feels like this is barreling straight towards the ‘Bern/Lambda origin story’ route, and that just makes me feel like the ending will be really depressing and make it more clear why Bern is so messed up in Umineko.

And on that note, on top of it just being really nice teasing, it’s actually kinda neat to see Rika entering this sort of Western-style ‘high society’ life, since it goes a long way to clarify why Bern’s entire personality and aesthetic is the way it is. They never really ‘explained’ it in Umineko, aside from it just matching more with Umineko’s more Western-style setting, and in a lot of ways it feels like this ‘explanation’ was thought up way after Umineko was written anyway, but even as a retroactive explanation it’s still nice to see them show why Rika ends up that way. They haven’t shown exactly why she’s so bitter in Umineko, but at least now we know why she’s the sort of person who likes stuff like this.

In a lot of ways, everything about this whole arc and the St. Lucia’s stuff kinda feels like Ryukishi’s sort of clumsy way of directly tying together these loose threads between Higurashi and Umineko, and showing us exactly why Bern ends up the way she does. I kinda agree with the criticisms I’ve seen that Rika apparently idolizing high society upper-class life and seeing St Lucia’s of all places as Heaven on earth feels really forced, and I think that has a lot to do with what I said about how Ryukishi probably just designed Bern as a Western-style goth lolita because that fit Umineko’s setting more, and he’s only just now trying to go back and give an in-universe explanation for it via Gou. So for better or worse it kinda has this vibe of retconning parts of her character in order to brute-force this connection between the two series.

Though I can’t help but be OK with it, at least for now, since it just makes it feel like he’d only be this overt about it if he was actually setting up for something better that justified making up all this new story stuff just to contextualize Bern’s whole character in Umineko. It might just be his way of tying things together and he’s not setting up for anything, but it’d feel like a waste at this point if he’s not, considering how many people are already feeling like he’s messing with Rika’s character retroactively to make it all tie into Umineko. So it’d at least feel more justified if it’s actually setting up for something along the lines of an Umineko anime remake, even if that’s still probably just wishful thinking.

Anyway, I think this episode is gonna cause lots of discourse about how people feel about both Rika and Satoko’s choices in this episode, but my stance right now is just that they’re both understandable, while also both being in the wrong in their own ways. Ultimately this just boils down to them not communicating with each other properly. I can see what people mean by Rika’s whole attitude here feeling out of character, but I can understand why she’s genuinely enjoying her new life, and honestly she’s always had major issues with not talking to people about things and just going with the flow, so I get why she’s not doing more to reach out to Satoko, especially since doing so would mean rocking the boat with her new friends who clearly all look down on Satoko.

And on the other side of things, I think Satoko’s whole side of things makes total sense, even though she’s also in the wrong for continuing to respond to trauma by bottling it all up and rejecting any help or communication that people offer her. That at least feels like a totally natural extension of her personality, especially when you think about how the current timeline is one where Teppei never came back to the village, and so she never had to have her whole character arc where she learns how to open up about her trauma to people and seek help. Also the end of the episode makes it feel pretty likely that this is going in the direction of her re-developing HS, which would go a long way to explain why she’d go into a full on downwards spiral, mentally. I highly doubt that she actually got completely cured for good, even if Hanyuu’s absence changed how the virus works.

Which also reminds me that we still haven’t heard anything about what happened to Satoshi, despite them talking about the virus more or less going away. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s past the point of no return, and learning about his fate might be one of the things that fully pushes Satoko over the edge.

Either way, I get why a lot of people don’t really like where this is all going, but I’m at least enjoying it for what it is [even though I’ve had to really readjust my expectations for it, lol]. But tbh at this point a big chunk of this is just me being hype about the pipe dream of a new Umineko anime, and if this ends up not leading to that, I’ll probably be a lot harsher on Gou in hindsight after it ends.

#murasaki rambles #higurashi #higurashi gou #We've only got like five episodes left and I still have like no idea how this is actually going to end lmao

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pochapal · 4 years

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rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking:

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3.

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it.

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with.

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

#Anonymous #long post #read all of this if you have vested interest in knowing intimate details about my life or whatever

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mossrotts · 4 years

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[[MORE]]

man it has been just. a rough year. like, OBVIOUSLY. for everyone. but like, jesus.

last october my ferret of several years and just, boy real close to my heart, was very old and got cancer. he got horrific tumors, some of which were able to be surgically removed, but ultimately we had to put him down the day before halloween.

we thought his much younger companion was struggling with greiving and ended up getting a new ferret, but when it wasn't going away and was getting worse we took him in and found out he had cancer as well. no chance of operation. i know he was with us and surrounded by our love his last days but i can't describe to you the struggle of forcing him to eat and take his meds and watching his violent and speedy downward spiral. went he can no longer keep anything down we make an appointment to put him down, but he passed away late december before that time arrived.

my dad collapsed in the shower in january. he never truly comes back from this. after some misdiagnosis, it is confirmed that he has brain cancer. multiple tumors. the last months with my ferrets felt like a sick trial run leading up to this.

months of 20-hr round trips, abusive family members, mourning, chemo. doctors telling us he'd have a couple years, then saying one year, then months, then weeks. he passed away end of may, literal days before he and my mom were making a move to utah so he could be around family.

helping my mom with arrangements, helping her with moving.

then months of struggling at work where i am a caregiver--corona scares, people quitting or getting sick and so much pressure putting on those remaining. continuation of contact with abusive family.

my dad's funeral was in september. days before a stray cat we sometimes see wandered into our house with an obvious injury. vet appointments to take care of this.

after the funeral and another vet appointment, we find out the cat has fiv (feline hiv). they ask us right there if we want to put him down. we determine he'll have a good quality of life at least for awhile and choose not to. we make an appointment for our other cats to see if they've contacted fiv from contact.

we find they thankfully have not. but literally during this appointment my roommate gets a call and find out their stepdad has passed away. he was a piece of shit but we drive out to california, my roommate does what they can, and we come back.

i;d probably be in debt if not for the help of a friend that i need to figure out how to show my appreciation to. but anything i've saved is gone, got nothing for my name change and top surgery rn. can't see a therapist for lack of funds rn and depressed as fuck.

we've been back for a couple weeks now. back in time for halloween, but i've felt so disappointed and, idk, kinda guilty that i haven't been able to celebrate? like i'm HERE goddammit. no immediate emergencies, i'm here, but it doesn't feel like halloween and it's not fair.

maybe that's why i'm writing this out, trying to contextualize it. year of tragedies on top of a pandemic so of course i'm low and tired and burnt out. it's okay it doesn't feel like halloween.

and maybe that has to do with what i like halloween to be?

i think celebrating halloween for me is celebrating creativity. enjoying media, enjoying the content that my friends produce, the influx of artwork and stories--even though it's not the child version of 'magic in the air' or 'anything can happen' during the spooky season, it's still a version of that. there's magic in knowing i get to explore the creativity of others, to see their worlds and imagination. not to mention revisiting the nostalgia of media i've enjoyed before. and share my own!

in my own track record, october is the time i create the most. but i've done nothing this month. no completed art, nothing written. nothing created.

i haven't gotten a chance to see as much of what my friends are doing, i feel like i'm in a constant state of catching up, i haven't watched any of my favorite movies, didn't get to read a new book, haven't done any of the autumn recipes i generally like. didn't even get a chance to carve my pumpkin. didn't create.

and i'm working with that guilt, i know it's not fair to blame myself. and logically i know that's just how this year's gonna be, in the long run it'll be okay that this year wasn't celebrated.

but at the same time it just. sucks.

#long post #personal #animal death #animal sickness #death #family #kinda just complaining but that's probably ok #also we moved during this #and recently had to deal with a small mouse infestation when the farmers nearby harvested their crops

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peace-coast-island · 3 years

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Diary of a Junebug

A spooky midnight feast

What a long night - and I mean that in a good way! First the theatre, now it's the Spooky Moon Festival. We just enjoyed a spooky midnight feast hosted by Jack to kick off the festivities.

A couple days ago we visited Peace Coast Island to see Marlo and Don. Marlo’s an old friend from Rosevine who left home about six years ago to become an actress in New York City. Not too long after moving there, Marlo met Don, a journalist for News Times, and as of last year they became engaged.

Marlo is who some would consider a starving artist. While she has appeared in numerous commercials, soap operas, and stage shows, Marlo hasn't gotten her big break yet. She has always managed to get by with odd jobs in between sporadic gigs but it sometimes seems like she gets the short end of the stick. It's a shame because she really is a talented and versatile actress.

But it looks like Marlo's finally gonna get her big break with Sugar and Spice, a brand new musical comedy drama that just made its debut at Starlight Theatre. The show played for two weeks there and the next stop will be Port Beacon, followed by Etienne Falls, Glassenwick, Cabot Bridge, and Petunia. This isn't the first time Marlo's gone on tour for a brand new show, but in past experiences, the show turns out to be a bomb and the tour closes early. Though based on the reviews for Sugar and Spice so far - as well as my own thoughts on it - we have high hopes!

Tagging along with Marlo for the first leg of the tour is Don. Since Marlo went off on her first tour, Don has been tagging along to write a review for the show, so he gets work done and gets to spend some time with Marlo - a win-win situation for both. However, if the tour goes on for the full twelve weeks - or more if things go really well - that's gonna be the longest time the two have been apart from each other.

Instead of heading back to New York, Don's gonna be staying at the camp for a while. He's gonna write an article about the Spooky Moon Festival, which he plans to finish tomorrow to get that out of the way. Marlo was the one who suggested that he take some extra days off by visiting the camp to get his mind off things. It's so sweet how much they're gonna miss each other while Marlo's away.

I've met Don a handful of times since he and Marlo started dating. They're a sweet couple, like a comedic duo with Marlo being the funny one while Don's the straight one - they play off each other super well. Anyone who can keep up with Marlo's antics while having a great sense of humor is a winner. I can't wait for the day when they finally get married!

Considering how long they've been together, it was hard to believe that they almost broke up last year. Don spoke about the near breakup when he and Marlo appeared as guests on Garden Chats, a podcast about mental health, a couple months back. It's a really good episode that not only brings up interesting points about the stigma behind depression but also the strong bond Marlo and Don share. Don said that he was hesitant to do the podcast at first but in the end he was glad he did it.

How the two got together is a cute and funny story. Marlo had her first acting gig for an ad for a security system where she played a damsel in distress during a break in. Don was nearby and thought Marlo was in danger so he swooped in to save the day, only to be humiliated after getting yelled at by her and the crew. The poor guy was so caught up in helping someone in need that he failed to notice the cameras and other equipment that were clearly visible. After getting over the embarrassment, Marlo decided to take him out to dinner as she found him kinda cute and didn’t want to be responsible for him crawling under a rock and never ever seeing the light of day again.

For the next four years Marlo and Don hardly left each other’s side. Marlo’s dad often complains that every time he comes over to visit his daughter, her boyfriend’s always there - though over the years he’s warmed up to him. Likewise whenever Marlo comes home, Don usually tags along with her. I think it was Luciana or maybe Emmaline who said that sometimes they forget that Don’s not from Rosevine nor has he ever lived there.

In a way it’s kinda like an opposites attract sort of relationship. Don’s more serious and levelheaded while Marlo is more lighthearted and playful. She’s confident and ambitious, always jumping from one thing to another. He’s more of a go with the flow type, the one who picks and chooses his battles with consideration. He may come across as a no nonsense kind of guy sometimes, but he’s also a sensitive one. She may have a tendency to ramble on and attract trouble, but you have to admit her heart’s in the right place. Marlo gets in over her head while Don gets taken in for the ride. They compliment and contrast each other - sometimes even picking up each other’s traits over the years.

So imagine what was going through everyone’s heads when rumors started going around about the engagement being broken. Since there was never really a confirmation or a denial, no one really knew what was going on. At least for me and my circle of friends, while we were concerned, we knew it wasn’t our place to get involved in any way. Now that we know what really happened thanks to the podcast, I’m glad that the whole thing never really made the gossip mill.

The podcast that Don and Marlo did was hosted by Lessa, probably making it the first time I’ve ever listened to a podcast where I know the host and the guests on a personal level. Don spoke about how he was recently diagnosed with clinical depression and how he had suspected that something was wrong with him for a long time before that. Pressure from work and his engagement along with a bunch of other personal issues led to him getting cold feet and abruptly breaking things off with Marlo. With everything going on he suddenly found himself unable to cope so he ended up almost sabotaging the best thing to ever happen to him. Looking back, he felt that it was his way of punishing himself for not being happy enough despite having everything he could have ever wanted (and more) from someone he loved.

Marlo also spoke about the near breakup and how she began doubting herself when Don started pushing her away. When he told her that he couldn’t marry her, she couldn’t believe it. So she fought back, demanding an explanation and blaming herself. But because she loved him, Marlo knew that she couldn’t just stand there and watch Don slip into a downward spiral.

The “breakup” lasted for about a month, which was the longest Marlo and Don went without talking to each other. By then their friends had noticed a change in Don’s behavior as he was isolating himself from everyone and acting erratically. Marlo felt helpless but persisted and once Don realized that he wasn't all right, he turned to Marlo and her family for help. Since then their relationship has grown stronger.

It was interesting to hear them be so open and vulnerable about their struggles. If the whole conversation isn't proof of how much they care about each other, I don't know what is. I'm glad that Don's getting the help he needs and that Marlo's luck is finally changing.

As for the wedding, there's no set date yet but it's definitely happening. Though at this point they're pretty much like an old married couple, which is super cute. With everything going on in their personal and professional lives, they want to wait until things settle down before tying the knot. Daisy Jane, Andrea, Almie, and I are betting that the wedding's happening sooner rather than later - as in this year. Based on these past few days, it looks like we're not too far off the mark!

Marlo was absolutely fantastic in Sugar and Spice! From the catchy songs to the witty dialogue and relatable characters, it's no wonder that the play has been getting glowing reviews! Marlo stole the show, easily one of the highlights of the play. Unlike previous shows Marlo toured for, she's not stuck being the saving grace of a poorly executed script, something that she has been the victim of far too many times.

The show's about a group of friends who work at a bakery called Sugar and Spice. Marlo is Gingie, a newcomer who had just left home and rediscovers her love for baking through the bakery. There's a funny running gag of Gingie coming up with the most ridiculous cookie recipes that turn out good and leaving the kitchen in such a state of disaster in the process. It's a cute and funny show about a bunch of friends who like to bake.

In between shows, Marlo joined us at the camp. Most of the nights were sold out or didn't have enough seats for the camp, which was why we were unable to attend the first week. Once things got settled down with rehearsals and such, Marlo and Don were able to have some time for themselves at the camp. The two enjoyed picnics on various hangout spots, sightseeing near the mountains, and chilling at the beach.

We also helped Jack set up for the Spooky Moon Festival. Marlo was bummed that she's gonna miss it so Don promised to take a lot of pics for her. It's been great catching up with them and seeing them have fun together. They plan to return in the near future so that's something to look forward to!

The Spooky Moon Festival comes once every few years to celebrate the Spooky Moon. While helping out with the festival, I've learned a lot about the event. Basically there's a spooky looking moon that looks like it's covered in cobwebs that comes into view every four years. It looks super cool, like something out of a vintage spooky picture you see in old books. Everything about the festival gives off Halloween vibes and I'm really digging the aesthetic!

After seeing Marlo off, we got to prepping for the midnight feast. Don's been a great deal of help and it's nice getting to know him on a one on one basis. I think this is the first time I've hung out with him without Marlo. He's been enjoying the camp, which is great as Marlo didn't want him to worry about her too much. Like I said, it's sweet how much they watch out for each other.

At midnight, the festivities began! Making the food was a lot of fun, especially making everything look spooky and cool for the occasion. Decorating cookies was my favorite part as well as cutting out dough into fun shapes for the pies. It took a lot of prep time but the effort was so worth it - everything came out great!

Along with the food, we enjoyed listening to spooky stories, playing fun games, and looking at the moon through the astronomer's telescope. The Spooky Moon's a lovely view to see, made even better with good company to share it with!

#animal crossing #animal crossing pocket camp #Diary of a Junebug #headcanon ramble

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popculturebuffet · 4 years

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Star Vs: Lava Lake Beach or Happy Birthday, Marco Diaz

Tomtrospective is back baby! It’s been almost two months, which is better than last time but still not great. As you can probably tell if you check this space i’ve been busy with comissions (5 dollars an episode if you were curious and had another star vs episode you wanted me to check out or any animated series really), which now includes a sizeable project, regular coverage of ducktales every monday, loud house whenever it comes around becuase nick’s scheduling is a nightmare, and because I apparently didn’t have enough going on The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck. Part 2 coming before the end of the month hopefully. So this project, which sadly dosen’t get a lot of eyeballs on it, kinda just slid on back. Thankfully though I have a second before I get back to my rather sizeable and mostly self inflicted to do list, so with that in mind, let’s take a trip to the beach in the dead of winter. This is Lava Lake Beach.

PREVIOUSLY ON STAR VS:

Yeah I skipped over Lint Catcher.. which is ironic given I just decided to cover the meteora and eclipsa centric episodes post monster bash.. but I have good reason for that. And it’s not just “This is my blog and unless i’m getting paid for it I can do what I want”. That’s a valid reason but it’s not THE reason. No it’s because Tom has a sizeable roll in the finale episodes for season 3, and thus the climax to Season 3′s arc overall, and honestly Divide and Conquer are just TOO good to simply skip over Star’s parts of them. I choose to switch to covering full episodes for this retrospective which means i’m doing it right. It means more work for me, but frankly this stuff’s too good to not to cover properly. So i’ll be mixing the meteora arc in with tom, like a finely blended cocktail, after this review and the next one.. which aired after monster party but takes place before so i’m doing it in time for christmas.

And I WILL be covering the two episodes I skipped over eventually, I just feel the first goes into another possible arc down the line, and the other is just really terrible. Not the worst episode of the series, that would be Marco Jr, but a close second or third for sure. But I will have to summarize them to get to this point so: When last we left off Tom and Star were getting close again, but you might of noticed someone was conspciously absent. Marco went back to earth after his two weeks on Mewni, and as to what he was up to we found out LITERALLY the episode after “Demonicism”: Sophmore Slump. Marco basically spent the rest of his summer not shutting up about Mewni like an obnoxious jackass. Yeah Sophmore Slumb begins the character’s downward spiral and basically coming off like two diffrent characters: He’ll either be.. exactly what he was in the first two seasons, an awkard but well meaning voice of reason or a needy jackass pining after someone elses girlfriend and not caring about anyone else but himself and star. There.. there isn’t an inbetween. So yeah it’s just 11 minutes of Marco being insufferable, and only snapping out of it in realizing he’s neglected his girlfriend Jackie. We do get a GENUINELy great scene when she breaks up with him, realizing that while Marco’s willing to try for her.. his heart’s just not in it and his head’s.. with someone else. He’s not even malicious about it: While he wore his cape, he had a cape, under his clothes he genuinely tried to make things work and go out with her. Conciously he genuinely loves her, subconciously he has feeling sfor someone else and it’s showring. While this isn’t hte best episode it’s not a TERRIBLE one on the grounds that this one end sequence makes it work. Marco then decides to go to mewni and become a knight, and everyone sees him off in a good moment. It’s an annoying episode, but not a bad one the more I think about it. Lint Catcher is. Basically everyone’s a jackass but Tom and Eclipsa, which really sums up the last few seasons nicely. Not basically Marco dind’t you know, call star to vet any of this, and just expects to be welcomed back. Star, rather than you know admit her feelings for marco while she’s now dating tom, more on that in a moment, tries to shove him off on whoever. And it turns out River wasn’t serious with his offer of knighthood that marco came to take him up on, despite sounding serious and just gave marco a meat blanket because again, everyone’s a jackass.. except maybe moon who tries to make it work. It’s just an aggrivating 11 minutes and unlike the above none of it’s intentoinal. But how does this relate to tom? and wait star’s dating tom? Well Tom shows up early on as Star is singing a burrito song, only for him to burst out of the bathroom and then warmly greet Marco before the guards show up. Star also later admits to Marco yup she and Tom are dating since last episode. Which i’m fine with: we don’t need to see everything and it was pretty obvious that’s where it was headed. At the time I was aggrivated because “another blockadef or starco reallY” but i’ve warmed up with time. So yeah I really didn’t need to bang my head into the door for 11 minutes and whatever hours it took to write this to tell you tom and marco have upgraded from kinda friends to best bros who want to make out with each other and Star and Tom are dating. I will probably cover both episodes eventually, but for now, I have enough to cover especially with my realizing I needded to cover the eclipsa and meteora stuff, without getting a head injury from stupdiity. As for Marco’s knight status, he can’t start there, and Star eventualy realized that awkard sexual tension or not, he’s her best friend and made him her squire. So Marco’s now on mewni, Tom and star are together.

Let’s get at er. We open with tom summoning the flames of the dammned.. FOR MARSHMELLLOWWWWSSS. Star, Tom, Marco and Kelly are at the titular Lava Lake Beach roasting marshmellows and getting ready for the annual soulrise. Star likes the beach because it’s so spooky with Marco rightly pointing out.. insn’t that the underworld’s thing? Tom just casually shrugs it off as “Yeah i’ts pretty metal”. Which is both accurate and is part of why we’re here. This is our first, and really only, good look at the underworld. With Blood Moon Ball we just saw a bubble of it and it was entirely controlled by tom, if helping explain his control issues as he probably spent his whole life getting everything and never realizing being a possesive creep isn’t ag ood thing and people aren’t things you can own, but well.. people with their own wants and wills. When everyone around you does what you want, including your sweet well meaning parents, why would you understand someone saying no? And his parents aren’t bad people, they clearly have boundries, they just spoiled him a bit much. We’re not in Doofus Drake terriotiry where Tom’s a terrifying sociopath, he just had some very bad behaviors and when called on them by Marco, genuinely changed for the better and has been working on that since. But this episode gives us a good reason of why the other toxic part of tom, his rage, was never reigned in. Here.. it’s just normal. One scene illustrates this well: A couple casually if rudely challenges marco to a fight when he just wants to find kelly, more on that in a minute. But when he walks away, they just say “he seemed nice. And not EVERYONE is like that.. but most of the demons seen this ep are agressive, competitive and combtiive but not without reason.

We get a great example of this after Smores, where Marco’s fell off, tom and star are cute, and kelly licked all of hers. And after Marco realizes Tom’s outfit is just one of his hoodies but customized.. which for tom means ripping off the sleeves because that’s how he rolls and offering to do the same for marco. Also Star is in an adorable sailor outfit. what i’m saying is I like their outfits this episode and Marco has a lot of copies of that hoodie so in terms of Star’s invasions of his privacy, this is low on the list.

Back on point, a couple challenges the group over their spot and mocks star for not having a third eye.... but the resolution is beach volleball, witht he scoring demon from “Mr Candle Cares’ making an apperance. This shows Underworld culture: their volatile, they can get overly agressive.. but their polite outside of it. It’s why Tom’s anger wasn’t really adressed: Here everyone’ds polite the rest of the time, why does it matter? But it idd because even by these standards his anger was a problem and one he’s .. genuinely dealing with. While he gets devensive of his girlfriend, notice how he jsut gets regular angry and not.. murdery angry. We see his anger wasn’t normal even by underworld standards.. but he’s genuinely trying and has changed almost complelely from the last time we visted this realm.

This is also.. about what we get for tom this episode. Yeah while this is part of the tomtrospective for the above, and for other reasons that we’ll get to, this is a Marco episode. And a Kelly episode, so Kelly, now the food to fill the void inside has run out, I can relate, is suddenly depressed and just.. walks off mid game. And given Star and Tom aren’t the most empathetic people, they really fail to notice with Tom only noticing how it effects him. Tom has grown.. but as we’ll see after “stump Day” with his next two episodes after that, he still has room to grow. But it is nice we get signs of that episodes before it happens. Excellent work.

So yeah I guess for those who forgot, and if so how dare, or those who never got this far int he series who Kelly is. Kelly was introduced in season 2 as a friend of star and ponyheads who, at the end of her episode, after not talking was revealed to not be a giant bush, but a bispeceled teenager who just has a lot of hammerspace when her hair is down, as her hair is massive and whose species has a symbiotic relation ship with their significant others, as her boyfriend tad was in her hair merged with her the whole time. They breifly showed up again in another episode but otherwise haven’t been all that fleshed out till this episode.

And what brings it about.. is their breakup. And they have before only to get back together but this time it’s for real, as Marco finds out when comforting her. He genuinely offers her to talk, but we’re interuppted by her good pal JORBY!. I freaking love Jorby and every second of his screentime here is magic. Sadly he’s only used like.. twice after this. He’s a giant talking wolf guy from Kelly’s dimension, only revealed by the finale, who thinks Marco is her new fighting partner and claims to have killed their mutual aquantince greg. Kelly just responds with an amazingly annoyed and sarcastic “You didn’t kill greg” which he didn’t, and when Marco tries to explain she’s falling apart, Jorby responds with “WE ALL ARE ALL THE TIME, EXESNTIAL WARCRY!”... the amount of great minor characters this series wasted I swear.

But Kelly can’t deal with this and runs off and Jorby.. genuinely apologizes. He didn’t realize his friend was that banged up emotionally, and only dosen’t help because his goose girlfriend needs him. Marco is fine with this though and goes to offer his help after a breif search and two Skelly’s who fall in love over having the same name. Awww.

Kelly and Marco finally talk and Kelly sobs into his arms in a genuinely moving bit, admitting after being with Tad so long she dosen’t know who she is anymore. It’s REALLY great stuff, and really helps us feel for a character we honestly barely knew: Sure we barely saw their relationship.. but it was good... and when a relationship ends that wound dosen’t close easily> Trust me.. I know.

Though the other issue is that Tad.. hasn’t moved out of her head. Literally, he’s still in there and won’t take a hint it’s really really over and he needs to move on. So Marco, being a gentleman.. at least for this episode, agrees to help. IT’s why I like marco when he’s acutally written well: he can be awkward and sometimes a bit too full of himself when it comes to knowing stuff, but he’s a good kid who just wants to help people and I genuinely missed that version most of this season. So marco climbs in and finds Tad munching on vega pizza and refusing to leave, clearly subscribing to the duck method of swallowing your sadness.

Marco tells him he needs to leave, and while Tad is in denial.. Marco gets it to sink in.. that putting himself around someone unavaliable is just going to keep hurting him agains and again and not help him move on. Tad.. .ends up agreeing.. and it’s then the episode has it’s best scene.... Tad says “marco is the expert on that”. Marco of course denies this.. until Tad eventually makes him see the truth: he’s hanging around star the same way tad’s clung to kelly and will sadly continue too as while he agrees to move out.. it takes a bit for it to stick as we’ll see next time. Tad gets him to think about it: He has dimensional sciessors. Anywhere in time and space.. and where doe she want to start? With his unavaliable crush, following her to what he thought would be a couples event with her boyfriend. I mean he didn’t KNOW Tad and Kelly were broken up, so far all he knew he was the fifth wheel. No one would willingly do that for no reason. He’s so obessed with her, he wants to be around her even though it’s never going to happen.. i’ve been there WAY too many times to call and had to eventually learn to let got for their sake and mine. You can still be around them, you just have to let go of romance for everyone’s sake and move on. And Marco hasn’t because he didn’t even realize it. It’s why I tolerate “Sophmore Slump” now.. because with this episode it goes from bad writing to his subconcious scremaing at him to go be with star, and him not listening because conciously he still wants his current girlfriend.. and really he loves both, he just didn’t deal with that or move past either, so he lost both.

Marco.. has a panic attack over it justifably and breaks down gradually, seeing all the happy couples and finally star and tom, sinking in that .. Tad was right. He’s in love with Star.. and it hurts. It hurts a LOTTTTTT. And he has NO idea how to deal with it. And as we’ll see how he tries to.. is pretty damn bad. But that’s for other episodes. Let’s get to the climax of this one.

Kelly finds Marco, like her earlier depressed and lost, and upon realizing this, and thanking him as Tad agreed to finally move out, says “kelly’s driving” and drags him. It’s in these last moments we get to see more of kelly’s personality: we’ve seen her be ssarcastic but now we get to see her be a bit off kilter and adorable, which is her standard mode and what makes me like the character so much and wish she got treated better. But we’ll get to that later in the retrospective as it happens to perfectly zig zag into Tom’s life. Point is we see more of her and find out why she came to see the Soulrise as she and Marco prepare to watch: she and tad used to see it every year.. and even if their broken up.. she dosen’t want that taken away from her. Even if their relationsihp is over.. pieces of it can still be hers to treasure and keep from now on. This can still be hers... and in this case Marcos as marco puts his jacket over her, and Kelly cuddles him. Awwww. If you were wondering, yup I do ship Markelly and Yup how it ends is really bad and we’ll get to it and there will be blood. But for now their just two lonely souls sharing a moment, with Kelly rebuffing getting Tom and Star “They don’t need this’ which is accurate and they have each other and some alone time. Their fine. Plus they you know, didn’t notice either of them are missing so ...

Thank you Jake. Rest in Peace my good friend who shares a name. So we get a nice romantic moment as they watch a bunch of eldtirch skeletial angels with wings rise from the depths of the black and white, and it’s also marco’s birthday! “Happy Birthday Marco Diaz”. And with that we’re out.

Final Thoughts: This is one of my faviorite Star Vs episodes, even with later bullshit, and for good reason. It frames Marco’s previous actions in a better light, has some REALLy stellar acting from Adam McArthur, and is in general just a really soulful ep that really touches on some good stuff and fleshes out Kelly from a background character to a fan faviorite and sets up a new romance for Marco that I genuinely love. IT’s one of the series best moments even if later episodes would tarnish it slightly..but on it’s own.. it’s fantstic. Next time on tom:It’s the...

Christmas Special! Until then there’s always another rainbow and happy thanksgiving!

#star vs the forces of evil #star vs #tomstar #markelly #marco diaz #tom lucitor #kelly #star butterfly #lava lake beach

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lavendersoft · 5 years

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Until I met you.

-Street fighter!Jimin x Reader

1/?

Synopsis: While on a date for their 2nd anniversary, Jimin loses Yoongi while being attacked in an alleyway by a robber. Yoongi sacrificed himself for his lover and Jimin could never forgive himself for not being able to do the same. The survivor’s guilt ate away at him over the months and it definitely didn’t help that he saw Yoongi’s face everywhere. In mirrors, dreams, large crowds, on trains, and even when he closed his eyes. Although, Jimin found a way to cope. He began a rigorous training schedule. Boxing, self-defense classes, Tae Kwon Do, he even started street fighting and got caught up with bad people. Anything and everything. His hands would bleed, his muscles would ache, his bones would break. Jimin was offered multiple full scholarships to prestigious martial arts schools for his talent, all of which Jimin turned down. He didn’t want to make a career out of this, he just didn’t want to be haunted by his dead fiancé. The only time Yoongi won’t haunt every moment of Jimin’s life was when he’s training, as if Yoongi is saying “I won’t rest, nor will I let you rest, until you’re stronger.” Jimin will never lose anyone that he loves again.

Everything felt like a downward spiral,

until he met you.

Warnings: (There’s a lot- and it’s kinda dark, be warned) PTSD, implied schizophrenia (sorta? take that with a grain of salt), PTSD induced delusions/hallucinations, depression, paranoia, night terrors, character death, major angst, unhealthy coping mechanisms, masochism(?), alcoholism, minor gore, mention of drug abuse, mention of blood, mention of asylums, profanity, Jimin goes through one hell of a mental breakdown.

Author’s notes: super slow burn :/ basically, in which jimin copes with the traumatic incident of his fiancé’s brutal murder by street fighting. this story isn’t yandere but has dark themes.

The air was lifted right out of Jimin’s lungs. Tears were flowing freely, his hands were stained red, he couldn’t even see the golden engagement ring through the thick blood. He couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his own sobs and heartbreak.

“Please... please stay awake. They’re coming, okay? Help’s coming. Just look at me. Look at me, please.”

He’d remembered somewhere that you were supposed to put pressure on wounds this big to stop the bleeding. If only his hands could stop shaking.

Yoongi had stopped responding about two minutes prior to this but Jimin refused to accept his fate. His last words replaying in Jimin’s mind like a mantra.

“Survive. Please, live. I love you.”

Two wallets.

Two fucking wallets with about 150,000 won split between them.

That’s how much his fiancé was murdered for.

Jimin jerks awake in a cold sweat. His bruised fist clamped around his bedsheets, heart rate much higher than it should be. He rises out of the creaking bed to stretch his overly tense muscles.

He can still feel the weight of his deceased boyfriend’s limp body in his arms.

Every day starts like this.

Every morning he’s pulled from the same reoccurring nightmare, then he starts his cold shower.

He can’t even take warm showers anymore, remembering how hot Yoongi insisted on keeping the water temperature when they showered together.

It’s been nine months.

Nine months, two weeks and four days since he lost the love of his life forever.

He hasn’t even taken off the engagement ring. It’s as if it’s glued to his finger now, his hand feels empty without it.

Jimin avoids looking in the mirror at all costs. In fact, he’s gotten rid of most of them in his home. The ones he couldn’t get rid of, he smashed with his bare hands in a fit of rage. The scars on his hands are proof.

How could he look at himself knowing how weak he was?

He scoffs.

Back then... how could I bare to tolerate myself back then? I was so flimsy and weak. Could barely open a fucking jar by myself. Absolutely pathetic.

Jimin’s heart has gotten callous. He is easily provoked and irrational. The takes unnecessary risks and is impulsive.

His therapist said it was “self-sabotage” or something.

Just two weeks ago, Jimin bleached his hair a striking blond, almost white- which burned most of his scalp- just because. And before that, on the nine-month anniversary of his lover’s passing, he went to get a tattoo on a whim. Just because he felt like it. He drinks alcohol for breakfast and has recently taken up smoking. The smell of cigarettes remind him of Yoongi, who also used to smoke.

Jimin liked pain. It was invigorating. He likes feeling things. Feeling has become a rarity, a privilege, a novelty.

Although irritable and easily angered, Jimin is not an unkind person. He gives to charity and volunteers at animal shelters. These things have also made him feel again, because he can feel Yoongi there, the real Yoongi. Yoongi was a huge advocate for human kindness. He used to say it was never justifiable to be a hateful person for no reason at all.

Jimin clings to this principal.

But it’s hard. It’s so hard to act happy when he’s so broken inside. He almost wishes he could just-

“Don’t you dare use me as an excuse to be a miserable person.” Yoongi’s voice rings out from behind him. Jimin screws his eyes shut and covers his ears.

“Go away.”

This person- this being- wasn’t Yoongi, that much he knew. If anything, it was a demon. A poltergeist that feeds off Jimin’s suffering. Yoongi would never do that.

This is why everyone around Jimin thinks he’s the sweetest, loveliest, most endearing man they’ve ever met. If only they knew about the unyielding hellfire that burns his very core.

“Good morning, Mrs. Jeon!” Jimin’s sweet voice cuts through the morning air.

He was on his way to his best friend Jungkook’s house to meet before Tae Kwon Do training. The Jeon family owns a martial arts studio and they’ve been training together for months now.

“Oh, good morning Jimin! How are you today?” The nice woman is always so cheerful, Jimin respects that.

“I’m wonderful, thank you. Have you heard from Jungkook? He’s supposed to meet me here.” Jimin hurry’s to catch up with the woman in front of him and takes her groceries off of her arms to carry.

“Yes, actually. He was running a tad late this morning since his class ended late. He should be here soon. Would you mind bringing those up for me?” She gestured to the apartment right above the studio, where the family lives.

“Not at all.”

When Jungkook finally arrives, he brings with him thirty-two excuses as to why he was late.

“I lost my phone.”

“My car ran out of gas.”

“My girlfriend broke up with me.”

Jimin chuckles as he suits up his training gear.

“Dude, if all of those things are true, you really need to get your life together.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Jimin’s heart stops when the cold, low growl sounds from behind him again.

“You’re far from qualified to be giving life advice.”

Jimin hides his frown when the oblivious Jungkook punches him on the shoulder playfully.

“Haha! Shut up, dude! Let’s go.” He chides, padding off to the ring.

Jimin’s falters a bit behind, throwing a quick but cautious glance at the bloody image of Yoongi that glares back at him.

“Pathetic.”

“Seriously, dude! You’re way too talented at this to not make some money off of it.”

Jungkook’s been trying to get Jimin to take the scholarship he was offered by a scout that visited their studio not too long ago.

“I don’t know, man. This was just supposed to be a hobby remember?”

Jimin knew better. This was much more than a hobby. It was his anchor. It was his stress reliever. It was keeping him sane.

“Come on. We both know better than that. I see the way your face changes to stone when you fight. You have something. Something real. You could make it in the business!”

“You sound like a mafia boss.”

Jimin smiles as he eats the last of his ramen.

“Ya. I’m serious. If not a professional fighter then at least a coach. I mean, I’m doing it because I wanna be a cop but,” Jungkook sips from his energy drink. “Do you really just want to be a dancer?”

Jimin sighs. Yes. That was his dream before everything happened. He still clings to the idea. Before nine months ago, the idea had seemed just within reach. He’d applied for so many dance and art schools, even getting into a couple.

But after everything, he’d given up. He stopped dancing. He hates music. Even if he tried, his skills wouldn’t be anywhere near the place they were.

He’d totally abandoned his dream.

“Yes. I do.” He lies.

Jungkook shrugs, “Well, if anything, it’s made you a better fighter. Your moves are so fluid, it’s amazing.”

“Careful, you’re getting a crush.” Jimin jabs at him with a chopstick.

“Ugh. Please,” the younger rolls his eyes, “like I could ever. Plus, my girlfriend probably wouldn’t like that very much.”

“Oh? I thought you two ‘broke up’, no?”

“Nah. I love her too much.” Jimin finds it cute that Jungkook actually loves his girlfriend. Before, he was a player, only using girls for sex or free food.

“Don’t use girls like toys, Jungkook.” Yoongi would always keep Jungkook in place when he broke another heart.

“Well, this ones on you. Since you lost. Again.” Jimin’s giggle makes Jungkook pout.

“One of these days, I’m gonna beat you, Park Jimin.” Jungkook pouts.

“One of these days.” Jimin reiterates.

Jimin says goodbye to his friend and pushes through the restaurant door. He misses the worried look Jungkook gives him when he turns his back.

The raindrops hit the top of the hood of Jimin’s jacket as he walks down the busy street. He hates being too alone these days. Jungkook really helps keep Jimin grounded, he’s one of the only people that don’t totally annoy him now. He reminds Jimin of all the times Yoongi, Jungkook, Tae, Namjoon, Jin, Hoseok, and himself would hang out as teens and young adults. Just fooling around without any worry. No cares or responsibilities, young love, parties. That was their lives.

Until nine months ago.

The grief of losing one of the group was detrimental. It seemed like no one was recovering properly, except maybe Jungkook. That’s why Jimin cohered himself to Jungkook, he seemed to be the most stable out of them all.

Namjoon and Tae both landed themselves in jail on multiple occasions for a plethora of reasons.

Hoseok checked himself into a mental asylum for a while. Last Jimin heard, he was abusing drugs of some sort.

And Jin moved across the country, said he wanted to start fresh. But really, he was just doing what Jin did best- running away.

None of them kept contact, except for Jungkook.

The entire carefree, wild group of friends had dissipated into nothing.

He feels his eyebrows furrow into a stern look.

They all left.

“They all left you.” His jaw clenches at the familiar, yet slightly inhuman voice. “They never cared about you. And Jungkook will leave you one day, too. No one is forever.”

Jimin’s turns down an alleyway and stops about halfway through, tears gathered in his eyes.

“No one is forever, but at least they keep moving forward. You’re just stuck.”

Yeah, Jimin truly hates being alone.

The not-so-subtle red neon sign flickers with the bright name of the “club.”

The large metal door makes a shallow sound when Jimin’s taps on it three times. A man wearing all black with sunglasses answers, “Passwo- oh, Jimin-ah. Come on in.”

Jimin nods once to the tall bodyguard as he passes him. The man towers over Jimin in height but the energy around the two doesn’t match. The man takes a small, nervous step back when Jimin starts forward.

Jimin hates how skittish everyone is in this little hole in the wall.

The biggest underground fighting ring in Korea was right next door to Jimin’s apartment, who would have thought. How convenient.

Heads bow as he passes. No one makes eye contact. Some mumble respectful greetings while putting honorifics next to his name, no matter what age or status they have.

He’s basically a king here.

But he doesn’t want the throne.

Jimin’s peers into the crowd and sure enough, sights his dead lover. He just wants this damn demon to leave him alone.

Yoongi never bothers him while he’s fighting or training. It’s like he goes dormant or something. That’s why Jimin keeps doing it. Well, that and because he wants to be strong. Stronger than he’s ever been.

And he is. He’s undefeated in this hellhole. He sort of blanks out when he fights anyone that’s not Jungkook. That’s how he earned the appropriate nickname “Demon”, for good reason. He’s heard from others that’s he’s terrifying when he’s in the ring. Although no one but his manager and couple other higher-ups dare to call him that, and he barely even tolerates that.

The last newcomer that called him that learned through a crushed windpipe to not.

He only does this to pay the bills. Everyone here knows that. It pisses some people off. For some, this was their entire life, what they were raised to do. Born to be fighting machines.

So, naturally, some don’t like Jimin. Especially those who he’s fought and won against. But Jimin couldn’t care less about what these people think about him.

“Manager-nim,” Jimin addresses an older man, somewhere in his forties, “I need you to schedule another Gold for me.”

See, the underground business is one built on ranking.

In the underground street fighting business, fights were categorized by prize earning and rank of the fighters. Gold rank fights could only be scheduled by- and usually for- the highest members, the Elites. The grand prize for a win was seven hundred million won. Only the greatest of the greatest won the prize and thus, earning an elite status (if not an elite already).

Jimin’s won it twice.

“Ya, getting pretty greedy now, are we? You just won it a couple months ago, Kid. Where’d that money go?”

“It’s gone.”

The suited man scoffs, “You need a better budgeting plan, Demon.” Jimin fights the urge to uppercut him.

“Can you do it or not?” Jimin’s patience is already wearing thin and he’s been here for a whole five minutes.

“You know, contrary to what you might believe, I’m not a money machine. The money you win when you fight comes from somewhere. Not only that, I’m not the only Elite that gets to decide. We take a vote.”

“Well vote.”

“Aish.” He growls, “You’re something else. People here are gonna start to think I favor you, and that’s dangerous for the both of us.” He pauses to look Jimin in the eyes, “You know, you have all of the qualifications to make the Elite status. Why don't you do the initiation-”

“Let me know when you have an answer.” Jimin’s made his feelings on the subject clear already. He has no intention of making this a permanent thing. This isn't a lifestyle, this isn't his job. It’s just a way to relieve his stress and make some cash.

With that, Jimin takes his leave, disappearing into the same direction from which he came. He’s truly a mysterious phenomenon.

Jungkook: hey do u wanna meet me and Jiyoo tonight for dinner?

Jimin peers down at his phone in confusion.

Jimin: uh third-wheeling really isn’t my thing lol

Jungkook: no, no we have someone we want you to meet. she’s Jiyoo’s sister and she’s just come home from college.

Jimin groans. This isn’t the first time Jungkook’s tried to set him up since Yoongi passed. He appreciates the sentiment but Jimin doesn’t think he’ll ever love someone like that again. It’s too much to ask for.

Jimin: idk man i’m pretty tired from training today. i think i’m gonna pass.

Jungkook: pretty please?

Ugh.

Jimin shoves a pillow over his face in frustration. He’s never been able to tell the kid no. And besides that- Jimin can feel the beady eyes of the shadowy figure in the corner. No, he doesn’t really want to stay here.

Jimin: fine.

—

The restaurant is filled with all sorts of people. From children to the elderly. Jimin gazes from person to person trying to decipher what kind of person they are. He tries to hinder the negative thoughts from entering his mind about them.

Jungkook’s always late. Always. When Jungkook says “5:30” he really means “6:00.” You’d think after almost a decade of knowing the kid, Jimin would learn.

He fidgets with the sleeves of his sweater. Why was he so nervous all of a sudden? Was it because these blind dates never end well? He thinks back to the last blind date Jungkook had set him up with.

Jimin shudders.

He can still hear the innocent girl’s cries as she fled his apartment, heartbroken.

He’s pulled from his thoughts as an arm slings around his shoulder, “Hey, man.”

Jungkook’s bright smile beams at him.

“Hey. Hi, Jiyoo.” He greets the couple as they take their seats.

“Hey, Jiminie.” Jungkook’s girlfriend was super cute, he’ll give her that.

“So..?” He’s confused time see that they came alone.

“Oh, she’s coming. My little sister is always a little late.”

Later than you both?

Jimin stops himself from the bitterness that threatens to erupt again. Not tonight. He’s going to try to be on his best behavior for his friend’s sake.

He’ll save all those pent up emotions for the fight he has scheduled tomorrow.

He vaguely registers the figure that makes its way into his peripheral vision, although he pays it no mind at first.

“Oh, Y/n! It’s good to see you again.” Jungkook seems a bit overly excited. What’s all the fuss about? It’s not like-

Oh.

Okay, so she’s, like, really pretty. So what?

“Hi, Jungkook. Nice to see you. Jiyoo!” The girl walks over to embrace her sister tightly, “Oh my God, it feels like it’s been forever.”

After they take their greetings, the woman sits down across from Jimin.

“Hello, you must be Jimin. Jungkook’s told me so much about you. I’m Y/n.”

Okay, so she has the voice of an angel, big deal.

“Um, hi- yeah, I’m Jimin.” He reaches out to take the hand she offers.

“So, Y/n’s a dancer,” Jungkook starts when the food is placed in front of them, “and she’s really good.”

“Not that good.” She blushes.

“Don’t be modest, Y/n. She’s going to a really prestigious dance school on a full scholarship!” Her sister beams.

“Oh? Which one?” Jimin presses. It’s not like he’s interested or anything. Definitely not.

“Global. Global Dance Studio.” She answers.

“Ah. I heard they were good.” Jimin knows more than he let on. That was literally his dream school.

“Yeah, but strict. The training is brutal.” She emphasizes. He knows, he had to go through the same treatment. He hates that he feels a pang of jealousy and resentment towards this person he’s just met.

“I’ve heard.” He finishes as he takes the first bite of his food.

The rest of the hour-long dinner was pretty boring, with Jiyoo and Jungkook mostly taking ahold of the conversation. Although, Jimin will admit that he couldn’t stop glancing back at the beautiful girl across from him.

And he won’t pretend that he didn’t notice her treating him the same.

He was charming and kind, as usual, but he remained on the quiet side of the conversation. Jimin knew that Jungkook could tell he wasn’t being quite as flirty as he usually is with setups like this, from the way that the younger kept trying to tie Jimin in the chit chat.

Jimin stays subtle for the rest of the date.

When the group says their goodbyes, his eyes linger on hers for longer than the rest.

“It was nice to meet you, Y/n.”

“Likewise.” She grins and Jimin feels his heart stop.

And then he leaves. Really, really fast.

That’s not good.

—

#Until I Met You #bts fanfiction #bts #park jimin #min yoongi #yoonmin #jeon jungkook #park jimin fanfic #park jimin fanfiction #jimin x reader #bts x reader #bts fanfic #jimin #yoongi #jungkook #street fighter! jimin

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laylacooke · 4 years

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Tune Out the World || Winn & Layla

timing: Yesterday (5/24) afternoon at Tower Comics & Music. parties: @packsbeforesnacks & @laylacooke summary: The start of one wolf helping another wolf figure out life. warnings: Lots of mentions about mental health.

Alright, so, technically, Winn had never mentored a, what, teen wolf before, but he’d dealt with plenty of teen hockey players — and they acted like wolves, often enough. The Bite should be a gift. That was the mantra that César and the others had drilled into his head. But not every Bite was freely received, nor even wanted. And that resentment, that anger, it could eat you up, if you let it. Which brought Winn to Tower Comics & Music. One of the staffers, Mat or somethin’, had set him up in one of their practice rooms, after some charm and the promise of buyin’ out half the store, if need be, and it was just big enough (and, importantly, just private enough) to work for Winn’s plan. He set the guitar he’d been stringing aside and went out into the main shop to keep an eye out for Layla, picking at the odd back issue of Superman. Comics were hard for him to read, now, given the color-blindness, but he still had the odd spot of nostalgia for the brightly colored heroes. He shot off a final confirmation text to Layla and waited.

Layla had received Winn’s texts. To say she was a bit confused was an understatement, and she had wondered if Ariana or Ulf had persuaded him to take her under his wing, or paw, but regardless, she had reluctantly given in and was headed to Tower Comics & Music. It seemed to have been the popular meeting place for Layla and new wolves in her life. Pushing the door open, she slipped inside, her mind quickly going back to the day she met Simon and how she had freaked out when she first smelled him. Even though it didn’t seem like it, she had come a long way since then. Seeing Winn standing near a box of comics, she quietly walked over, “Hey.” She waved to the man with the hand that had still been dressed out in a cast, “Sorry, I’m late. I was helping Ari with something.”

Ah, right, the hand. Mm. Could still strum, right? Probably. Looked like the kinda gal that wouldn’t let a broken hand get the best of her. Winn smiled at the teen. “Hey, no sweat. I haven’t been here too long.” A small lie. He’d spent the better part of an hour settin’ up. But, in fairness, most of that was before the time they’d set to meet up. “Let’s go on back,” he said, waving her forward and towards the practice room. “I figured somethin’ nice and quiet would be a decent change of pace. Plus, you’re gettin’ a free lesson out of it! A wolf lesson and a guitar lesson.” He laughed at his own dumb joke. Once the door was shut behind him, he sat in his own chair, across from the only other seat. “First thing’s first, somethin’ that one of my mentors made us do. It’s, well, a check in? Like, “I’m checking in… calm, today. The sun is out and I’m about to play guitar and my week has been pretty chill, so… calm. Now, you try.”

She had hoped he hadn’t. The task with Ariana had taken a little longer than expected, so when she caught sight of what time it was, it had almost sent her into a slight panic. However, no sooner than she was there, they were already heading to the back. She had never played a guitar before, but she had always been interested in them. Asking for one for her birthday had turned out to be a mistake, but a good one, because ironically, it’s how she had gotten her bow instead. Layla shot Winn a small smile as she followed him back into the room. Taking the seat opposite of him, she settled in as best she could. It was the ‘check in’ request she hadn’t expected, and when it was her turn, Layla paused for a moment, before speaking, “Uh, I’m checking in... depressed today. I’m bull-shitting everyone around me into thinking I’m feeling better, when I’m actually not, and I’m about to poorly play a guitar with a cast on my hand that’s never going to heal. Like that?” She looked at him with a straight face.

Winn barked out a laugh, before quickly saying, before baby wolf could think he was laughin’ at her: “Honesty is good. That’s exactly it, yeah, you’ve got the hang of it! Checkin’ in ain’t about forcin’ yourself to feel any one which way, but really takin’ the time to ask yourself how you’re feelin’, without worryin’ about how anyone else might take it. Thank you for bein’ honest with me, forreal.” He glanced at her hand, appraisin’ it with a trained eye. “Naw, that’ll be healed up ‘fore the next Moon, prolly before we have our next lesson. So long as you’re takin’ your vitamins.” He realized he hadn’t really given her the pitch for this experiment, and backtracked. “Well, next lesson… dependin’ on how today goes, anyway. I’m a little rusty, but teachin’ is the best way to show you know your shit and I’ve got just a stupid amount of time on my hands. I figure, you get time to just be who you are, and not worry ‘bout worryin’ anybody, we both get some time with the guitar, I teach you some wolf lessons along the way, eventually we lead a nice ol’ bonfire jamboree.” He winked at the last bit, to let her know that no public performance would be required of what amounted to informal therapy. “So, ‘m sorry we didn’t get off on quite the right foot, Layla. I’m Winn, and I’ll be your guitar-slash-wolf guru today.”

Layla hadn’t expected the laugh, which caused her to raise an eyebrow, before he explained himself. Winn had reminded her of one of the football players she knew in high school. He was laid back and had a cool persona that probably put most people to ease, and while she had felt a little more relaxed than she had when she first came in, she still wasn’t fully trusting of Winn. It would take her a little while to warm up to him as it did when she hung out with Lucas for the first time, “So do I just tell you how I’m feeling like every time we meet?” She could do that. Acknowledge her feelings. It couldn’t be that hard could it? “I think Ulf said he could get me some.” If vitamins would help her hand heal, she would take the damn things again. Listening as he continued to explain the goal of today’s meet up, she shifted in her chair a bit. Guitar-wolf guru. Okay. “It’s nice to officially meet you, Winn. And if you think I can play a guitar with this stupid thing on my hand then teach away.” She gave him a soft, sad smile. This was going to be interesting.

“Exactamundo,” Winn said. “I swear that I’ll be honest with you, so long as you try to be honest with me. I’ll go first, too, so you can see right away if I’m bullshittin’ you. Though, if y’ever want to start off, just let me know. I’m flexible.” He could sense the tension in Layla’s form, and he didn’t blame her. Some things, you kept to yourself, until you were ready. He wasn’t going to ask her to tell him anything, not unless she wanted to. But he’d always lend an ear to whatever she wanted to offer. If she was honest, well… That was more than some could be. “It’s a good way to get things you need, ‘specially while healin’. Your body needs nutrients to really heal, same as when you were human. Couldn’t hurt to triple whatever it says on the bottle, though. You’ll, shit what’s the word, metabolize it all away? Whatever diet you keep, make sure that you’re getting in calories, vitamins, and minerals. Like, I don’t know, a really intense workout plan.”

He settled into playing position, strumming out a random chord. “Mmm, before we get to playin’, I want to show you somethin’.” Winn reached over his own guitar and to a plastic bag that was sitting between them. “This? Is just a fraction of the amount of strings you’re gonna snap.” He played another chord. “Control is difficult to master. We tried a bunch of different things, to get me to figure it out. Only thing that seemed to work was this. Changin’ a guitar string ain’t too bad, but try doin’ it a hundred times and you’ll calm down real fast. Every time one of us breaks a string, we’re going to restring it by hand. Your hands can do so much, good and bad. But right now, early on? You aren’t used to them, how they feel as a wolf. How you feel things, as a wolf.” He shook his head, pausing for a moment. “Stop me if this is a little long-winded, it’s all important, but I can try to condense.”

“I appreciate that. I mean I feel like I’ve been open with people, like Ari and Ulf…” to an extent, “but I guess talking feelings is okay…” Layla had been honest about things. Of course, there were also a lot of things about her past that she stayed quiet on, especially when it came to her parents and how they had treated her. But she would save that for another day. She had only really just met Winn, and while he, too, was a werewolf, there were still things that made her uneasy. Not only had her parents wanted her out of the picture, but so had other werewolves, especially those around the Appalachian area, who knew the tale of the Hunter child turned werewolf. “I was a cheerleader in high school, and I was on a pretty strict diet. Is that what I need to go back to?” She wanted to equate this with something she knew. She had constantly found herself hungry, aside from the depression that had sent her into a downward spiral with her mood. In fact, it was a miracle she had even agreed to meet Winn in the first place.

However, the strum of a single chord made her ears perk. She was interested. His method for helping her had been so unexpected that she wanted to know more. She had never had time to pick up a guitar when she was still normal, whatever that meant, but now that she could feel everything in her small body raging, she was finally getting to try something her parents had denied her. Glancing down at the bag, Layla found herself slightly intimidated, “That’s a lot of strings. Are you sure you want to put this much time into me? Because, if I’m being honest, I’ll probably triple that amount before we’re even a month into this…” She wanted to give him an out. Would it hurt? Yes, but it was better than the teenager investing her time, and more importantly her heart, into whatever was about to happen, only to potentially be let down yet again.

“Mmm,” he hummed, tilting his head. Winn didn’t expect Layla to open up to him easily, or quickly. But the teenager’s hesitation, her trailing voice, when talkin’ about feelings was, honestly, a solid place to start — she would try. That was her decision. Winn was a fan of takin’ your destiny into your own hands. Layla had her autonomy ripped from her by Salva. There were things she could do, big and small, to regain that sense. Agreeing to work with Winn was a choice, one that he would honor for as long as he could, as long as she wanted to. If this didn’t work, well… They’d find somethin’ else. “I play hockey,” he decided on. “Your body builds muscle, now, easier, carbo-loading can be good to just keep it functionin’, exercise helps, but, unlike some stricter diets, this one works best by lettin’ yourself go a little bit, just piggin’ out. Make sure to eat decent, don’t get me wrong, but eat. ‘Specially while you’re healin’. Don’t know if you’ve been ‘round Luke much while he’s been healin’ up, but he could eat Ronald McDonald himself out of a company.”

He frowned softly, not knowing how much money that Layla had. “And I know buyin’ food can be pricey, and I think I can safely say that all of us would rather you focus on the adjustment than goin’ out and workin’ your ass to the bone. So, gimme a list. Nothin’ is too extravagant. And I’ll set up an InstaCart or somethin’ for you. No arguments, ‘s the least I can do.” He smiled, toothy, at Layla’s attempts to wriggle out; he knew that self-sabotage anywhere. “Naw, Baby Wolf, I already paid the guy at the counter to order me a goddamn truckload of strings. Little weirded out, but I sure as shit ain’t gonna go through them all by myself. Between that and that,” he pointed to the guitar he’d bought for Layla, “I’m in it for the long haul. If you are.”

Food wasn’t exactly something Layla was a fan of at the moment, but she would make it work. If eating and taking her vitamins meant that the cast on her arm would come off sooner rather than later, she would follow his instructions. And Ariana had already been doing a good job at making sure she was fed. Of course, that too had made her feel less of a person, because she wasn’t currently capable of mentally taking care of herself. Somehow, everything she had suppressed over the years, had started to come to the surface, and it was making a fresh start at a new life nearly impossible.

Money had been another issue. She had already racked up a hefty ‘I owe you’ bill just within the past few weeks, and her mental list was getting muddled. Of course, having Winn offer up buying her groceries gave her mixed feelings. On one hand, she wanted to accept and be grateful for them, but on the other hand her pride and the feeling of, once again, not being able to take care of herself seemed to dig at her. But instead of rejecting his offer, she gave in, “I’ll text it to you, and I’ll keep it short. And as I’ve told Ariana and everyone else, I’m paying you back.” If she’d still had access to her family’s fortune, she wouldn’t have been in this mess, but that was an impossible feat.

It was the guitar that really got to her though. Winn had bought her a guitar, and he barely even knew her. Looking over to the beautifully made instrument, tears started to well up in her eyes. Reaching over for it, she picked it up with care and pulled it in front of her. The teenager let her hands slowly pass over it, before sitting it in her lap and strumming the strings carefully. She had wanted a guitar since she was a child, but her mother and father would never buy her one, and within a day, someone she had only met in passing purchased one for her and was willing to teach her how to play, and, more importantly, how to tame what was raging inside of herself.

Letting her eyes move back to Winn, she spoke softly, “You just gave me something my parents never saw fit to give me. Consider me in.”

Winn cocked his head to the side, wondering whether, or not, to push the issue of money. His inheritance… He had a complex relationship with it. His mother, bless her heart, had tried to keep it from him, until he had graduated college. His grandfather hadn’t had the foresight, though, to know what exactly would become of his grandson. (All the better; Winn barely knew the guy. No time to interrogate a ghost whose opinion mattered little to him.) He settled on, “Keep it short, and I’ll triple everything. You’ll waste shit, and I know neither of us want that.”

She was, in no way, shape, or form, going to be payin’ him back, but she didn’t need to know that.

“It’s yours and only yours, alright?” Winn said, a small smile playing at his lips. He didn’t want to let his sunny attitude run over the confession Layla had given him, but this was something he genuinely loved. His altruism wasn’t without benefits; he loved the look on someone’s face when their heart was full. It let Winn see a different side of Layla, a far cry from that night in his basement. If she stuck with it, he knew exactly what to get her for her birthday.

He clapped his hands together. “Let’s get started!”

#para: tune out the world #packsbeforesnacks #mental health tw #wickedswriting

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marvelous-avengers · 5 years

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In Bloom - 4

summary: Bucky’s got some scars in more places than he cares to admit, and thinks some art is the key to helping him recover. What he doesn’t expect is for a certain tattoo artist to settle his soul. Modern AU with tattoo artist!reader

pairing: Bucky Barnes x TattooArtist!Reader

warnings: angst, talks of depression, therapy and recovery, slow burn lovin, some fluffy fluff and heart skipping, a surprise guest

a/n: it takes me forever and a day to update anything and for that i am sorry. so much has happened lately and life is a mess lol. this really is kinda a filler chapter and im not %100 okay with it but i wanted to get it out. i may or may not delete it, but we’ll see. also what the fuck why did staff get rid of line breaks???

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It’s a week when Bucky’s phone pings! with an email.

His heart skips a beat as he reaches for it on the kitchen table, fingers twitching as they pause over the device.

The notification stares at him dead in the face, taunting him with your name. He bites his bottom lip, his other hand fisting on his knee. Anxiety floods his veins faster than a bolt of lightning, thoughts even faster. He feels his heartbeat start to accelerate and takes a deep breath.

In and out. In and out.

His thumb hovers over the white notification on his home screen.

In.

He presses it.

And out.

He slides his thumb to the right and the screen goes white before the email opens up.

He smiles, a warm feeling overtaking the anxiety running through his veins.

Hi Bucky!

It was great meeting you last week. After sitting down with you I couldn’t seem to get your idea out of my head. So I took the liberty of creating a few designs for you, which I have attached here. I’m really excited for this piece. Let me know what you think and we can go from there!

Y/N

True to her word, there are three attachments with the email. He clicks on the first one which shows a beautiful arrangement of flowers, some he mentioned and others that simply complimented the piece. He goes to the next one and then the next, heart lighter as he examines each. Roses, lilies, peonies, marigolds, a big and bright sunflower, and some baby’s breath, all equally delicate and beautiful.

“Holy shit.”

“Shit.”

Bucky nearly jumps out of his chair and turns to see a little girl with dark brown hair peeking at him from the hallway.

He gives her a look, and she only giggles. “Morgan, you know it’s not nice to scare me,” he chides softly, reaching out his arm towards her. She walks forward and grabs his hand and he hoists her up into his lap, placing his phone down.

She gives a kiss to his scruffy chin and settles into his lap, head resting against his chest. “I’m sorry, Uncle Bee.”

He moves the hair out of her face and she beams up at him, brown eyes sparkling. “It’s okay. But no bad words, okay? Mom and dad don’t like bad words.”

“But mom and dad say it all the time,” she counters, face pouting in confusion. “Daddy says shit is mommy’s word.”

“That’s right,” he nods, “so only your mommy gets to say it. Okay?”

She sighs, a little exasperated and into his chest. “Okay.” Her big brown eyes flicker to the table where his phone rests, picture still lit up, and she points and asks, “What’s that?”

He smiles lightly and picks up his phone to show her. “They’re drawings. Do you like them?” She nods, taking his phone in her hands and flipping back and forth between the images. He leans his cheek against the top of her head, settling his arms around her. “Yeah, I do too.”

When Bucky first arrived back home from the army, on top of everything else that he was already going through, he had the struggle of finding a job. After a few failed interviews over the course of a few hard weeks, Bucky’s downward spiral had only gotten worse. Not everyone wants to hire a retired veteran with a heavy heart and a heavier mind.

However, after phoning a friend and setting up an interview, Steve found Bucky the perfect opportunity.

Tony Stark, owner and CEO of Stark Industries, the most advanced tech company there is, was able to find a position for Bucky that worked with his schedule. Bucky was detailed and organized, with an eye for precision that made him perfect for handling complicated budgets and some light programming. Pepper Potts, Tony’s wife and CFO, handles all of his paperwork and triple checks his work, which is always up to standards. He was part time, could work from the safety and privacy of his apartment and had full benefits. And on occasion, he’ll watch their wonderful five-year-old Morgan.

“Did you draw these?” she asks now, pressing something on the screen and the image goes away. She pouts and Bucky chuckles, taking the phone from her and placing it back on the table.

“No, my friend Y/N did,” he says with an ease that surprises him. But then again, calling Y/N his friend was a lot easier than explaining to a five-year-old that his tattoo artist drew them. Or is he just saying that to combat his nerves? “She’s going to draw it on my arm, make it really pretty.”

Morgan purses her lips and tilts her head before grabbing at his hand, holding onto his fingers. “You’re already pretty, Uncle Bee.”

Bucky feels his heart grow and fill his chest, removing any trace of sadness or anxiety that may have been present. “Thank you, angel.” He presses a kiss to the top of her head, wrapping the arm that she’s leaning against around her in a hug and she just smiles at him. Before he can get too emotional, he decides to switch the subject after placing another kiss atop her head. “What do you want for dinner? How do raviolis sound?”

She practically jumps in his lap. “Yummy. With sauce?” She wraps her arms around his neck and Bucky hoists her up as he gets up from his seat, heading towards the kitchen, phone abandoned on the table.

“Of course, angel.”

After dinner and a showing of 101 Dalmatians, Morgan is fast asleep on the couch. Bucky lets the movie play again just in case she wakes up, and grabs his computer from the coffee table. He opens it up to your email and the designs that you have drawn for him, eyeing the words typed across his screen.

I’m really excited for this piece.

The smile on his face is small, a flicker of...something in his heart.

---

tags:

@buckyhalf @softlybarnes @sgtjbuccky @barnesrogersvstheworld @sweetboybucky @captainrogerss @buckyywiththegoodhair @delos-mio @kentuckybarnes @evanstar @evanstarff

@bitchingwintersoldier @theunicornotaku@beansstan @aveatquevale-@faithfullpanicmoon @aljadams369 @callmedaddys-blog @dontneedbiologytoadopt

#jess writes #in bloom fic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x reader fluf #bucky barnes drabble #fluff #marvel #in bloom

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awkwxrdally · 4 years

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Let’s start with what’s on my mind today. It’s currently 3:49 am as I’m writing this and I’ve been crying. I’ve had a mental breakdown which isn’t uncommon especially when you have “mild depression” or so my doctor believes. I’ve read enough on psychology to know I have some type of mental illness. But I can’t afford therapy and my parents don’t believe in doctors or mental illness. We can start with how this downward spiral started. I was online streaming gta with my beat friend and I mentioned my birthday now ofc I knew there was a huge possibility she wouldn’t be here for it like usual because she was moving in September but the way she said it kinda pissed me off.

She mentioned her leaving on my birthday like it was something I should know. She’s been doing that a lot lately. Every since she’s gotten married really. She mentions things she claims to have told me but never mentioned and acts like I’m supposed to know as if I can read her mind. So she brought it up and I noticed right away she wouldn’t have told me had I not mentioned my birthday. I wasn’t mad she would be leaving. I was mad that she claimed it was just a birthday. Like yes turning 19 might not be an accomplishment to most people but by now she should know we aren’t most people. We both have depression and honestly making it to next week is an accomplishment. No matter how long it’s been since I’ve thought of ending my life ( 8 years ) I’m always happy to make it out of an episode ( mental breakdown ) without the thought. That’s a lot of hard work for me. So yes my birthday no matter how important is important to me. I’ve never been happy on my birthday. Not with my outfit or my hair , not with my looks of any sort. My plans always fall through. And it’s starting to bug me that when I want someone to be there for me they never can but I’m expected to be there no matter what.

I struggle with my body image and I struggle with getting out of bed most days. But my birthday is the one day of every year where I know I’m gonna lay in bed and cry. Where I know not a single person will notice or care. And I just hoped that for one year I could not feel that way. But maybe that year isn’t this year. I might just forget the day all together. Why not everyone else does. I know nobodies gonna read this so I’ll talk about what else made me cry tonight.

I was thinking about what’s been going on in my life lately. I graduated high school last year and was supposed to go to college. I ended up not going for reasons I don’t really know. My mom was putting all these ideas in my head playing victim as per usual and it worked mostly. So I stayed home, no matter how much I wanted to go as she told everyone it was my idea. And then three months later I find out she hid my fincial aid information for my dream school. And well I started to see through her bullshit. I’m not the laughing stock of my family they all talk about me behind my back. It’s crazy that a bunch of criminals, scam artist, teen moms with no jobs talk shit about me. Not a single one of them has finished high school some of them didn’t even get passed junior high. But me the high school graduate is the laughing stock because nobody believes the child only the parent.

I hate that I know they speak about me and I can’t do anything about it. My moms allowed to speak about me in front of my face and if I so much as speak or respond to anything that has to do with me I’m disrespectful. I’m 18 I know that’s not very old but I should be treated with some type of respect. And trust me there’s a lot to my mom and mines relationship then just this.

Let’s start shall we. Growing up I remember my mom coming home in the morning drunk and I remember waking up to her gone. I remember trying to show her my stories or dolls he’ll even drawings and not being able to get her to give them more then a glance over. My grandmother and grandfather always made the time though. As I got older and my grandparents died my mom told me things about them she should’ve took to the grave and I will never forgive her for it. She told me about my grandfather hating me the first few months of my life, how he couldn’t hold me because I was Dominican ( he’s not racist). My grandmother had cheated on him with a Dominican man. But I remember my grandfather loving me and holding when no one else would. But my mom couldn’t have that she tried to ruin his image for me and then she went on about my grandmother and her. How she was a horrible mom etc. That’s a long story that I don’t wanna write about because no matter what my mom told me, my grandmother had already told me. She would tell everything from her addictions to her cheating, even her disappearing for months because she hated those things about herself. My mom hates that I view them as my parents and I tell anyone who will listen that my mom didn’t raise me. Because at the end of the day my parents are dead. My grandmother helped me learn to read and rocked me to sleep at night. My grandfather taught me to be strong and helped with my school projects. My grandmother played dolls with me and held me when I tried to kill myself. Those are my parents.

But they died and left me at 13 in the hands of this stranger. My mom a stranger to me, she didn’t know anything about me and I her. She didn’t try either she and my father tried to continue where they left off. With a three year old daughter. I was 13 I had a personality I had opinions I had political views. And guess what I told my mom I was an atheist and got told I was going to hell and was too young to understand. I told my dad I wanted to be a cop and was told I needed to cook and clean. My grandfather raised a strong independent girl, my grandmother told me if I didn’t like cooking I didn’t have to do it. And here I was stuck with these people who were trying to change who I was.

My mom went on to having me raise her two sons while she “worked”. I spent my life stuck between half asleep and exhausted with bags under my eyed by 14. I had greys that young because raising kids is hard. And I was still expected to be a straight A student. That didn’t last however. And I don’t regret dropping out my sophomore year I needed to rest. I can back my junior hear and got good grades and finally graduated a year later. But I was so exhausted I still am honestly. And my mom tells everyone I’m jealous of how she raises her kids like I wasn’t there when they were sick and I didn’t take days off of school because she had better things to do. No I’m not jealous I’m pissed I got the bar hopping mom who could care less about me and always reminded me of what her life could’ve been like. The woman who told me she was sold for drugs to my father (which is bullshit) and said I was nothing more then an abortion decision made too late. But tells her sons how much she loves them. Who made sure her sons had extra help in school with reading etc. But me the girl who couldn’t read till middle school was left to fend for herself. I’m not jealous I’m pissed because they get a bitter mom with anger issues and I got the abusive one. The one who called me names and made me cry on my way to school. The one who made me want to slit my wrists at age five. The one who grabbed me by the neck at age 7 and held me why I fought to get down. The one who beat me with a metal cane till it broke. All because someone didn’t like what I said. No my brothers don’t get that. They get whatever they wants as long as they cry enough. I was ignored and still am. My mom didn’t know about the perv who kissed me when I was 7 or the two kids who wanted to rape me when I was 13. Because she didn’t noticed me she didn’t ask she didn’t care. She still doesn’t no matter how much she tries to convince herself she does. I almost feel bad for her because she can only tell me she’s proud of me and loves me when she’s drunk and at this point I don’t wanna hear it again. Next time I might tell you about her kicking me out all these years.

#Depression #rant tag #rantings #im so fucking angry #depressed #venting #my rants #new blog

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dream-easy · 5 years

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Lindsay’s Complimentary Life Update

Hello!!! So my time spent on here has been dwindling down over the past few months for a few different reasons. The beginning of this year did not treat me very well, and I hit a very rough patch in February that sent me to a pretty bad place mentally.

For those who don’t know, I just graduated in December and I didn’t really have a specific plan set for myself aside from the fact that I knew I had a dream company that I desperately wanted to work for, but knew it was difficult to get hired into. Around the same time of graduation, I also fell hard for someone I thought had fallen for me as well. At the end of January basically everything went downhill within a week. I got turned down from my dream company in their Denver office, one of my best friends moved states away, and I got my heart absolutely broken in a way I wasn’t prepared for. Not to mention, I had also tried applying for a position with my dream company in their Boston office, and didn’t get a response after my first interview. I felt extremely lost and depressed and ultimately stuck in a place I didn’t want to be. Two weeks had passed since my first interview with Boston. Valentine’s Day marked the very last day I spoke with the girl I was broken over and things were not feeling great. I needed something to latch onto to keep me grounded, and I got exactly that the following day. I heard back from Boston and scheduled a second interview. Between then and the end of March was an absolute whirlwind. My mental health still wasn’t in great shape but I could feel myself healing from the heartbreak and getting more confident about my interviews. After the fourth interview, they asked to meet me in person in Boston. So I bought myself a plane ticket and made my way there and did something right because they called me a few days later with a “you’re hired!”. Which I’m still having trouble recognizing; I’m so grateful and I don’t take it for granted at all, but landing a job with my one, single dream company just three months after graduating is difficult to fathom.

I got the news about my hire towards the end of March, and had about three weeks to find a place to live and figure out my moving situation, as I’d be starting the new job in mid-April. So I packed up my whole life in Ohio/Michigan and made the big move to Massachusetts. Leaving the place you’ve called home your entire life isn’t easy by any means, and I miss all of my friends and my favorite restaurants and the places that hold memories for me. But I’ve never felt connected to my hometown and I’ve been wanting to relocate to a larger city for a few years now, and this new job was genuinely the perfect opportunity for me to finally take that leap. Starting fresh in a new city isn’t easy either though. I didn’t know a single person here. The place I moved into was filled with random roommates I met on Facebook. Driving here sucked (still does). I wasn’t familiar with any of the areas and it hit me pretty hard just how much I was going to miss the comfort of “home”. My first main goal after moving was to make one single friend before June. I wanted someone that I could enjoy summer with; preferably someone queer so I had someone to celebrate pride with. So where do you start when trying to meet people? Social media. Social media has always been huge for me and it’s connected me to so many amazing human beings. I began following locals on Instagram, one in particular who is a positivity and queer activist in Boston. She followed me back, and I remember sending her a message just asking for advice on how to meet people and make friends. And she recommended Bumble, which I had tried using in the past and wasn’t entirely impressed by it. But I had nothing else going for me, so I downloaded it. Mostly for Bumble BFF, but I started to use the dating portion again as well to try and figure out if I was ready to try dating again, or if I still needed time to heal.

Long story short, Bumble BFF made my transition here so much easier. In May, I connected with one person named Izzy, who I quickly became close with. She became my road trip buddy and we got tattoos together after knowing each other for less than a month. She was also queer, which meant that I also had someone to celebrate pride with, so my main goal of making one friend was successful. It turned out that both Izzy and I had connected with another person on BFF named Shannon. We all met in person at a pride event and the rest was such smooth sailing. We connected so easily, and Shan introduced Izzy and I to a friend she had also made on BFF. I got to celebrate my very first big city pride with a group of amazing people who have become very quick, amazing, and supportive friends. This group of friends has kept me sane and so, so busy this summer and I’m so extremely grateful and honestly so blessed to have them in my life. If I hadn’t met them at the time that I did, I’m afraid that my mental health would have started spiraling downwards again. I wanted a community so badly when I moved here, and that’s exactly what I found through BFF.

Just after pride, I came to a point where I felt ready to try dating again. I was still hurt over everything that had happened earlier in the year, but I was no longer crying over her, and I could think about our time together without getting sad. So I downloaded Tinder because what else is a queer introvert to do in a new city? Dating apps have always sucked and it’s damn near impossible to connect with people on them, let alone find people that are actually looking for a relationship. After some failed attempts, I hit a random low one night. When things initially ended between me and the girl, I thought a lot about how I would never meet anyone as good as her ever again. Which is stereotypical to think, but it’s genuinely something I was concerned about. It’s extremely difficult for me to find people that don’t drain me and connect with me well enough for feelings to form. Feelings are hard. I’ve only ever truly fallen for two people, and that night those thoughts of never meeting someone as perfect for me as her started to creep back in. And then, much like what happened the day after Valentine’s Day, I matched with a girl on Tinder the morning after those thoughts sunk in. Fast-forwarding to now, we’ve been on three official dates, are spending two nights together this week, and already have a kayaking trip planned for later this month. We’ve already established what we’re both looking for and I feel really good about things. And I’m really happy. Like..really happy.

On top of all of this, my dream company is absolutely living up to the expectations I had set for it. The company values are everything I could have asked for. I’m not afraid to be myself in the office. My coworkers, team and managers are all fantastic people and I honestly enjoy working with them. Our Boston office celebrated pride and marched in the parade this year. We have an LGBTQ+ club that meets monthly in order to continue celebrating pride year-round and creating a safe space for all queer employees. Things are going so well, you guys. It’s actually kinda overwhelming and I feel like I haven’t really taken the proper time to sit back and really think about how much my life has changed over these past three months. It’s wild. I’m the same person, but I’ve grown so much and I’ve accomplished so many of the goals I had for myself and my life after school. Life isn’t perfect by any means, and I do miss parts of my life back in Ohio/Michigan. I miss my friends still, and it’s weird not being able to take a quick hour drive back to my parent’s house. It doesn’t feel like I’m states away; sometimes it feels like I’m just on a long-term vacation here. I’m almost numb to it. But I’m adjusting really well, and I’ve had a few really eye-opening moments that have made me realize just how amazing being alive can be. If you asked me at the beginning of this year where I’d be right now, my answer would have been still in Michigan looking for a job that would pay me better than Home Depot. I could have never predicted that I’d snag a role with my dream company, relocate to an amazing city, gain a great group of friends that enjoy road trips and travel as much as me, open myself up to dating someone, and find my own way without the help of others. The truth is that you really never know what’s around the corner. Just don’t be afraid to keep trying and pursuing the things that make you happy. If you have a dream, don’t give it up. Approach it from different angles. Even if things are not going great. Even if you’re not doing well. Even if you haven’t been doing well for a long time. Things are not permanent. They’re constantly changing and sometimes you gotta go through all the rings to get there. Words can’t explain how happy I am here. I’m excited to go back to Ohio/Michigan soon to see people I’ve missed dearly. But I’m also proud to start calling Boston home. I’m conquering this city and all of New England one day at a time and I couldn’t have asked for it to happen any other way.

#WOW this is so long and i don't really expect anyone to read all of this #i could have listed more details on things that have happened but i feel like this is a good enough summary #like shit guys #i'm just...life is really good #and i still cant wrap my head around it

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