#but I never thought I’d hear it live
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Visiting some old friends
#the fucking emotions this song rolls out of me#those driving chord changes#fuck#it’s one of the only songs that made me cry live#idk why#I was emo as fuck#but I never thought I’d hear it live#and then they started playing it at bamboozle in Chicago#hahahahaha#I was so excited hahaha#I could post so many Andrew songs#one of my top five favourite musicians#maybe top three#Youtube
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#I’m only very rarely inclined to get this intimate w my thoughts so I might as well say it NOW butttt I will never not see the dead children#In everything I do#Like legit#I’ve read up on Hind so extensively and seen so many photos of her#And I have a very healthy relationship w the popular Palestinian journalists so she’s not my blorbo or anything#But hearing that memo destroyed me bc bisan is only 23 and she seemed so vivacious#Idk like I do normal people things I can’t just pause on my life#But idk how it feels like to sit at a boba place and enjoy my pearl milk tea w my friends#While the horrors over there don’t just lurk the back of my mind. I do normal things and I’m guilty for having the luxury#And as an Iraqi girl I’m living in the literal ideal timeline#Where my mom decided to immigrate to the us and that’s why I’m here living a normal life like everyone else#It’s like in a different world if I were born in a different time it could’ve so easily been me. I’m one of the Lucky Ones idk#It’s not survivor’s guilt bc it’s not like I had to survive anything like I never had the chance to live in Iraq or anything#But like. If some things had fallen just a little differently#And I keep thinking about how I’d feel if it were happening to Iraq and people behaved the way they’re doing to Palestinians#I’d be so mad#And some people on here are dealing w assholes while bursting at the seams w grief#For losing their loved ones#This is why I’m so fucking angry at anyone who’s complicit#This was a major tangent but basically I feel weird about doing normal things now while simultaneously knowing I can’t just sit and wallow#And watch life pass by as if it’ll do anything#Misery is not a home but I’m struggling to be 100% normal#And I think that this tonal dissonance is reflecting on my blog too bc I can’t go back to just#Posting about all the other normal things I used to. Like I want to but sometimes I feel off.#Is this anything. I haven’t slept all night#I can’t just allow myself to lose interest in everything I used to like and be and just fade away but maybe it’s about accepting that this#Will also always be a part of me now. It’s that awareness that shadows everything I do#or maybe I need a therapist it’s a toss up#I’ll probably feel better once I get my day started but this was cathartic to voice I think#p
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I’ve been working on this project with ZREO to bring this piece from their album Twilight Symphony to life with a full orchestra. We’ve put months of work into this and are so proud to get to show it off! Hope you enjoy 😃
#midna#the legend of Zelda#twilight princess#Zelda reorchestrated#twilight symphony#ever since I heard this album#I always wanted to hear it performed live#never thought I’d actually get to be part of making that a reality#but here we are#Youtube
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the most surreal moment for me last night was getting to literally sit right behind jason sudeikis, james lance, and billy harris, whilst watching sam ryder and hannah waddingham belt out “fought & lost” together
#when i tell you there was tons of ringing in my ears because my nerves were all over the place#but also i was so happy to have gotten to talk to both billy and james after the event!#jason booked it out of there as fast as he could lol#never thought i’d get the opportunity to hear hannah waddingham perform live either so i was freaking out!!!#if you’ve seen a video floating around of an alternate angle of them singing that’s my video 👋🏽#jason sudeikis#james lance
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Experiencing ‘Boring’ live may have fixed something deep in my soul
#listen. there were so many songs on that setlist that i never thought i’d hear live#and i did#and it was incredible#sunnyside live was such a damn joy#but ending on boring#god. god damn#it was the violent things version#which i do prefer the fast & furious version#however#the long one is the one to play live#it reached in and grabbed the little 2014 year old me who heard that song for the first time#and it shook him by the shoulders to say ‘look at where you are now’#mr. weekes you have outdone yourself#i don’t know how but they found me#idkhow
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On the one hand, not really too excited for a bflow solo album if it’s similar musically to pressure machine. On the other hand, he will most definitely do another solo tour which means a chance to hear lonely town live so
#I truly never thought I’d ever get that chance since I didn’t think we’d ever get another solo record#please god I deserve to hear it live just once#and also Magdalena but mostly lonely town#brandon flowers#bf3
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stay alive.
#the happiest people can be going through shit#the saddest people#the meanest of people#all walks of life you could never know what they’re dealing with#life is so hard so fucking difficult#I didn’t think I would be here#so many years before this one I didn’t think I would be alive at all#honestly? I didn’t think I’d live to see today a few days ago even just the other day I felt it#it’s really hard to stay tonight even with a good thing like meeting my favorite band right now on the 31st#internally I won’t share these feelings and thoughts allowed y’all don’t care about that or even wanna hear what I feel and what I think#but yeah#I just wanna share this because I’m struggling with it sand sometimes it’s a good and bad thing to keep finding reasons to stay#but you should stay because you want to be here to experience life with others and to help others#that life wouldn’t be life without you and you would want to see your near future self happy among your childhood past near past selves#evolve and be happy you’re staying and relive your childhood and grow as a person#you’re meant to be here if no one else tells you that#means a lot being heard and understood#staying is just a. little difficult rn#I never thought I’d make it this far and I don’t like the act of growing and I don’t like how life is a lot of the time#but that’s a story for another time if desired and shared#I’m gonna hop off now#bye#internally I won’t share these thoughts#these feelings aloud because y’all don’t care y’all don’t wanna hear about the dark parts that stay and stick in my head or pass through#but I just wanted to share it for those that needed a sign to stay#to stay because I too am one of those that could use it#spread love#be there for those that struggle#life is so fucking hard#take it one day at a time
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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i apologize to all my mutuals i promise i will be normal but there is a part of me regressing to my 15 year old self reading an archived livejournal pete/key manifesto for the first time at 12am on a school night
#TO BE CLEAR i’m excited bc i love bang the doldrums and i never thought i’d hear a live version#but the fact that it’s today of all days. does make the rpf lore brain go brrr#actually it probably wasn’t even archived i think it was still up#but literally my memory is crystal clear of how i even learned it was a thing#my friends during class were joking about some post about fourth of july (the song) being about them#and i was silently like hmmm what’s this about#and when i got home that night i immediately looked it up#i distinctly remember it being one of the first times i stayed up on my laptop way too late lmao#i really only got deep into ryden when i first got into brandon stuff#(which was at the beginning of 2015 i was late to the party)#and i wasn’t really into mcr yet at that point anyway besides a few songs and like i knew who mikey was obviously#(i never got into other mcr rpf and now i’m an adult it’s too late to learn the Lore. i would not be normal)#anyway i also remember reading the ryden livejournal stuff but that was earlier. i just vividly remember hearing about petemikey#from people At School#anyway there’s no point to this i just like talking about myself#r.txt
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good morning it is now 4 am and i have just finished watching atonement good night
#atonement#next tags are just going to be personal rants ignore that#i couldn’t sleep at all so i tried reading s&b and then fanfics and then the bell jar but it just didn’t hit#so then i tried writing but i just kept crying so i thought i’d watch a romance movie because yes#should’ve gone for four weddings and a funeral or pride and prejudice because what the hell is this#i didn’t know anything about this movie i just remember having it on my watchlist and saw ONE clip so i picked that help#and yes i ended up crying and the tears are still here but i’m also starting to think that that’s not entirely because of the movie at all#i stripped my bed off its sheets because the bright color annoyed me and it was already peeling off anyway and i was too lazy to put it rig#and when i pulled back from the screen after the movie finished and just look at how bare my bed is and how i’m in the middle of them#i just started crying again#and my legs are aching and i hate myself and i think i want to take a shower but maybe i’ll wait later on#i don’t think i’ll sleep at all honestly i’m not sleepy anymore#besides i’m thinking of going outside today just at the park i don’t know doing something#i always sleep really really late lately because my parents are out of country right now and no one is keeping me checked and i apparently#still can’t take care of myself. cried about that too it was something. why am the eldest daughter i’m so not fit for it#and then i always wake up at like 9 am and it’s already too late by then that i just never do anything productive#and it’s like i’ve been living in a simulation and i’m kinda going crazy and insane but it’s okay because today is going to be better#i hope because i’m not getting any sleep and i can finally go outside at 7 in the morning instead when it’s already way too hot#damn this is supposed to be one of the best years of my life??????? fuck off#also i can hear the azan subuh from the mosque by the neighborhood and i miss praying honestly#it’s so funny because i was happy to get my period because that meant i wouldn’t have to wake up so very early on in the morning#but i miss it now#hopefully my period will end soon#nadirants
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#happy brain dump#so it’s been years since I went to a concert#like 10+#and it’s something I really really miss#I missed out on altj last year and it killed me to not go#but I’m very very very excited to say that I finally decided to treat myself and got a ticket for a show in September#my first concert in forever and I’m ecstatic#Troy’s opening for it and I’m bouncing off the walls at the chance to see him play live#never thought I’d be able to do that and lemme tell you folks#I’m very excited 🥹🥹#if you hear squealing it’s just me over here#I’m gonna be a big dork and bring one of my prints to give him in case he’s doing any sort of meet and greet#can you imagine me actually meeting him though like hi I forgot my own name anyway i’m a huge fan#leo rambles#oh how I rambled
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AYRENN URTHEMIEL (the exile) // VERLAINE VICENTE (the golden rose)
MINA MORGANTHAU (when twilight strikes) // VIORELE IORGOVAN (vtm: parliament of knives)
the loveliest @leviiackrman tagged me to do this cutest template for some of my ocs! ty so much jess! 🖤
tagging: @griffin-wood, @blackreaches, @confidentandgood, @chuckhansen, @risingsh0t, @marivenah, @queennymeria, @preachercuster, @jackiesarch, @yennas, @saintsilver, @shellibisshe, @cobb-vanthss, @loriane-elmuerto, @blissfulalchemist, @arklay, @adelaidedrubman, @florbelles, @belorage, @amistrio, @steelport, @nokstella, @rosebarsoap, @celticwoman, @sunsetseasons, @aceghosts, @hoesephseed, @jacobseed and you!
#only if you want to of course! 🌿💚#catching up on some tags! ✨🥺 thank you again jess this was the cutest!!!!!#im super late to this if you’ve done this already as well please feel free to ignore 🤍🤧#im especially looking by how fitting the songs are for ayrenn and verlaine AHH#ayrenns for sure captures the painted phoenix and the persona she portrayed to the public! especially her opponents!#and cowboy like me……… verlaine and rafs song it’s theirs now they’ve claimed it THATS IT ✨😤#‘youre a cowboy like me / perched in the dark / telling all the rich folks anything they wanna hear / i could be the way forward’#‘perched in the dark / telling all the rich folks anything they wanna hear / like it could be love / i could be the way forward ->’#‘only if they pay for it / your a bandit like me / eyes full of stars / hustling for the good life / never thought I’d meet you here.’#SCEPTER RED ifykyk on vioreles clan sksnjxjx ✨😌 i was looking through the Pantone colors and came across it! it was so fitting! ✨😌#and i really do love Mina’s aesthetic sm ✨🥺 her and Eddie if they lived in the same verse would be besties for sure ✨😌#leg.tagged#leg.ocs#leg.edit#ill catch up on the rest tomorrow my brain is a fried egg ✨🤧#but jess! Ty so much for the tag this was so lovely to do for the loves! 🖤🥺#these also took me a SECOND to research into flower symbolism/ colors / AND animals and the music but i loved doing these!#blood tw#smoking tw#just in case!#IF I MISSED ANYONE PLEASE TAKE THIS AS UR TAG ✨🥺
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Every day I find out a different song I like is in fact a cover and lose my shit
#talkingcore#two weeks ago it was that I Believe (when I fall in love it’ll be forever) is in fact not a George Michael original#which makes sense now because it has the energy more of a live recording but shit Spooked me#then when I was maybe 12 I thought sweater weather was by kina grannis because that’s what spotify introduced to me#same thing with come on Eileen and save Ferris (though I stand by that cover being elite it’s so epic)#today it was sabbath bloody sabbath because I was like wow I love the cardigans and their writing yayyyy cardigans#hmmm I wonder if there’s a way to hellsing this song okay let me look up the lyrics because I’m bad at hearing words#okay yeah when you say sabbath bloody sabbath was written by Black Sabbath it makes sense but damn …….#anyway this morning I woke up made a noise that was deeper than I’d ever heard and in my excitement to document it I lost my lung#I lost the range and I’ll never get it back. ‘my child will not sexualize illness’ 👁️👁️
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love this song so much… the fucking bridge… oh god… i have very intense gay trans feelings attached to this song
#cuz I see you laying next to me.. w words I thought I’d never say… awake and unafraid… asleep or dead#staying afraid isn’t sustainable and it doesn’t work you have to try to live yourself and keep living#never thinking you’d be able to say words like this to someone…#idk I just really connect with it a lot#i never thought I’d like. be able to be gay gay yknow#and I hear that lyric and im just like… yeah i really did think id never get to say words like that#not to someone like you…#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#sasha speaks#Spotify
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Anyway I almost cried during haven
#the first time I heard the song was on the beyond live last year and never thought I’d hear it in person 🥺#renatalks#day two tonight 🥰🥺
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boys be mad asl when i don’t giggle n tehe n show cute emotions like bitch my wounded inner child just got done drunk sniveling begging for daddy not to yell n hate her while her intoxicated narcissistic father screamed n gaslit her until she dissociated to euthymic plane 🙄🙄🙄
#‘trauma dumping’ eat my shorts loser assholss#so funny he said if my narcissistic sociopathic insane brother killed himself then it’s ‘goodbye to the rest of y’all too’#like ohhhhh so ur eldest daughter n youngest son don’t mean jack fuckjn shit to u right??? lmfao lolll#yeah just go rot with that selfish egotistic psycho while ur 15yr old son who lost his mom at 7yrs old#i want to strangle my fuckjgnf dad sometimes he’s so cruel n said so many mean things to me#he always has to defend my middle brother ‘he’s depressed what if he kms’ like???#my middle brother literally manipulates tf out of my dumbass emotionally unintelligent father he’s tearing this family apart#meanwhile i never planned on seeing 18 nor living past 22 n now i have to go exist n find a job when i never thought i’d have to do this sh#shit ever b. i was supposed to#be dead 4 years ago lololllll#god forbid i tell him that or my plan to kms at 27 lollll#so worried abt a fucking LOST SOCIOPATH SEFISH NARCISSITIC CAUSE ur gonna make me and my baby brother suffer?? as orphans ??#my dad n i used to get breakfast every sunday in middle school n talk abt life n drive around after n those days meant the world to me#i never realized how much i missed them. how much i looked forward to him saying he’d call me while i’m away at college#but my middle brother egosticizl fuck is like ‘lolyh i just nod n say what dad wants me to hear’ when my dad is trying so hard to save him f#my dad admitted to neglecting my lil bro lol it makes me so fkcing angry he doesn’t give af abt us#says ‘im worth more im the ground than i am alive’ n my inner teen bursts into tears bc she experienced that already#yeah moms life insurance money was so fun!! until it ran out bc of college n impulsive manic spending n the materialistic thrill never laste#i want to hate him but i can’t even deny i love him so much he hurts me and everyone i love and disappoints us all n we still care for him#he’s letting my brother fuckjgn kill him literlaly my dad is physically sick bc of my sociopath narcissistic bros drama#he blames me for not going to him n telling him abt my ‘’mental issues’ as if i didn’t have to grow up n become mom the day after my 16th#i am my mothers child he didn’t know anything abt our childhoods until she died and he had to step up n parent us himself#he doesn’t know what it means to be a parent he shouldn’t be a parent but oh fuckjgn well oh my god WE ARE YOUR KIDSMWE NEED YOU WH#WHY CANT YOU SHOW US YOU CARE WHEN WE ALL HAD TO LEARN ALL WE HAVE IS OURSELVES#i am so angry he tried to throw me under the bus abt not having a job as a new grad nurse instead of my brother for dropping out everything#ur son wants to drop his ap classes bc he procrastinated n doesn’t wNna do the work so now he’s manipulating u to let him quit#i am just not exiting the identity crisis coming to terms w the fact that i’m 22yrs old n alive n need to start living n working#tonight was a shitshow but the ending calmed down but i couldn’t stop crying sniveling whimpering when dad yelled#yelled n accused n attacked me n chose to defend my middle bro over me like..he’s trying to kill u n i freaked out bc stepmom said u cut#ramblings
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