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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 months

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vague musing theme re: deh in evan and the Mom & Son theme and evan taking on responsibility for how his own mom feels, and then also connor's. irreconcilable tension in deh, as in life, with [the family unit, at its smallest: a Parent & Child unit] inevitably needing to be validated via supporting whatever conclusion we get (and the conclusion support it in turn) versus whether, actually, that not only Can be enough but Must be enough, b/c of how it cannot be denied, that is: rejected

we have Parallel Moms in the first song, it's a relevant difference that the murphys are relatively rich & the hansens relatively poor, but the Primary effect of this difference being heidi's frequent absence at home due to working, vs. the lack of such financial pressures resulting in cynthia being....stuck at home and trying to figure out anything in life Through her role as Stay At Home Mom, whilest she also Isn't guaranteed more successful connection with her children (or husband, except that: he's Here, married to her) for that, as established already in that first song lol

evan right off the bat taking on the pressure of how his mom needs him to have a good year because also she needs to have a good year, and heidi talking about this in terms of things that evan needs to Do, like, he needs to Order Pizza*, he needs to be Making Friends & then Be Away Hanging Out With Them (*also i always consider how evan Could've avoided getting pizza to not spend the money? but nothing else (besides evan being conscious of financial woes & feeling pressure abt this more generally) really suggests this is the case, and i guess at any given point he has $20 to spare)....then referring to the Resolution of this relationship where suddenly heidi has a turning point offstage (like, offscreen lol) wherein now she can go "oh i didn't know you were Feeling like this" versus like. that the conflict the rest of the time is with her own feelings, of course, and evan's Behavior. wherein she doesn't really mind the bare facts that he's dealing with anxiety, has prescriptions & therapy about it, but she Has minded about the things he needs to Be Able To Do (specifically on his own, mind you) and what's important to Do to get there (despite the letters sure not seeming to help, and then like, never officially being written again. does he still go to therapy appts?)....and that she starts feeling rejected by him As His Mother, which is like, the main issue up until she reads thee letter via facebook and realizes [evan thinks he's failed heidi as her child, because of how he makes her feel (bad)]

that even when heidi refutes this, prior, it's not the answer when like, "you're the one good thing that ever happened to me" is also like about as much pressure as could be put on evan, The Answer here wouldn't necessarily be like "no don't worry, i don't reject you as my child, because of how you Don't make me feel bad / Disappointed"....cynthia illustrating this, though we have little sense of how connor felt, probably not like "i feel really secure b/c my mom definitely isn't disappointed or anything"....and then "sorry i can't give you more than that" from heidi as a followup is Effectively a shutdown to conversation b/c like, what can evan say to that, it's basically on par with something like a sarcastic "well sorry i'm not perfect / i guess i'm the worst parent ever" that's like yeah obviously nobody's perfect nobody's the Best Or Worst person ever, it's a dismissal. which i hardly think heidi's Trying to dismiss evan or anything, or is being disingenuous, but again like "i'm trying my best / i can't give you more than [my best, or your being the best thing in my life]" can't really serve as any kind of Concluding Remarks if the conclusion isn't just like "okay so we haven't reached a resolution but let's cut it out now"....it's fun how of course we can understand how then heidi would find it devastatingly hurtful for evan to be like "well it's not my fault other people can [give [me] more than that]" but it's also like welllll the only reason here it's Not true is because evan's (a) got his World Of Lies going on, which heidi doesn't know is part of this situation & (b) evan is looking for validation that he's Supported as a Child figure to the murphys in these pretty superficial ways lol as per the fantasy of the like ideal suburban untroubled nuclear family unit....cynthia's just Here, with time to cook, larry's just Here, with the willingness to impart his own interests onto evan, they don't know evan has [diagnosis: anxiety] going on, evan feels like he's making these parents feel Better and themselves validated as parents, via both his fiction about how connor was maybe happier than they know, and his performance about being this no-hassle no-problems no-friction child who's also just Here. unlike connor....like tbt like eh excise the part where evan does happen to be making things up to have gotten here, and like. is it so bad he stays at another family's house when his mom's out at work. would it be so [Bad poors] if the murphys paid for college for him. heidi clearly responding to this with a "sorry, our bootstraps, you know" reasoning but Really primarily rejecting it because she's thrown at the apparent realization that evan's Replacing her with the murphys, she's rejected as his Mother....as she makes explicit in the next scene, the I'm Your Mother & they're Not Your Family(tm) like. okay, and? again, she doesn't know evan Wasn't that secretly close to connor lol and part of the point of deh is these lies bleeding into truths from the start, and Why evan lies, which isn't just "b/c he's an evil sicko?" nor as an elaborate scheme to get at zoe though like, at this moment i'm trying to puzzle out what couldn't be improved by zoe Not being a murphy....

well anyways. the tension here being like "yeah when is One Person ever """"enough"""" for anyone else all on their own. why do we demand that happen" like How & Why. no single person could or should be Everything to someone else. we even see how like Two People really don't have the resources for their One Child together completely on their own, and why is it that it Should be whittled down and isolated as much as possible. wherein the costs of being a parent, one who is tasked with bringing up a child with as little external support as possible while also already getting little external support as an individual in the first place (which a spouse, again, One Person, is supposed to fulfill in any/all ways), is supposedly offset like "well the magic of parenthood will be (Should be. if you're a good enough parent (threat)) its own rewards....and btw the child is Yours. they're someone stuck in a house with you. you can have this fantasy about Who They'll Be and try to ensure they become that. sure you're in charge of them (a burden!) but also: you're in charge of them (you can be an authority figure in this one aspect of your life). you can Always have access to them no matter what, because of the fact that as soon as a child exists, you're Now & Forever Their Parent"....i'm your mother, they're not your family....how are cynthia's like Identity Crises that are expressed to her family through cooking resolved? well, so far as we know, they aren't, but hey she's not getting divorced. zoe implying that cynthia's problems are thanks to having nothing to do / not leaving the house, such that gee evan your mom's lucky she Has to work....while evan apparently feels like heidi at least in part is always going to work b/c she hates to be around him, since he's all like well i presume you're so Not Unhappy in being the Mother to my Child that that's why you're always at home, cooking every dinner....like, what happens there? does cynthia join a club? take up a hobby? is evan Right that it's chill being stuck at home if that household is happy (as is the "it's fine having women's lives be Staying At Home, if that household is good enough :)" ideal) like well not sure but the status update is: she's not getting divorced

anyways i'm arguing against the nuclear family including in its theoretical distillation of "well god a Parent & Child if that's the very best you can do" here lmao and uhh deh not so much since the mother & son aspect Must resolve, kind of like what's supposed to be required of the parent & child aspect irl. and not like i think it's terrible it Does resolve, or it shouldn't, in this Story, but it's a definite [shhhruggg] from me like yeah that's nice but like, what's evan have going for him besides "he doesn't think his mom hates him now" (better yeah) and "he has a customer service job" (like oh my god so sorry. is this supposed to be Better? like oh he can order pizzas now? idk we don't get enough detail. ppl just get a part time job like yeah it's fine. i also have part time schooling but i'm saying it's a year off?) and this is not disconnected from how i feel about the Evan Needs To Believe He Could Have The Theoretical Perfect Gf which has to be answered in the end by zoe like, yeah i Wish we could date without the history. alas....like, Huh. why is she saying this (a) as a character & (b) as the conclusion to this story? god knows, but not like we don't know the ideals of Romance are also considered keys to the success of the nuclear family, and are an interim goal even if you don't have the kids yet, or like a begrudged Alternate goal as the next most adjacent thing, being Single has to be as vulnerable as it is re: any material or emotional support as Needed, much less what is Wanted for any further fulfillment. down to destruct the nuclear family & romance in one fell swoop baby. pointing at the camera and deh you're first (this sentence is a joke, the previous one is humorous but fully in earnest. kind of like [jared & alana (especially alana re: the earnestness)])

anyways again this is all still vague lol just sure Noting how very relevant it is that evan is motivated by a sense of his responsibility in how he affects his mother's like overall emotional landscape. while heidi does derive / seek emotional support from evan. not like her kid can be Emotionally Irrelevant to her, or like there's no good & relevant way for evan to be aware of or interact with her feelings. or like all of this is saying the point i want to make is that heidi is terrible or something. the parent i'm firing out of a cannon & into the sun is larry though lol. like heidi, being a person, can be Imperfect, and have an imperfect relationship with anyone, including her son, and have feelings, and care about her role as a mother....and all this can Not be resolved by evan simply not hating her either, or by anything else All hinging on her son. like how idk how cynthia's gonna do better than she was even before she was a grieving parent when nothing's changed for her except that a manifestation of happier memories is i guess enough that her terrible marriage can be sustained lol. larry's arc starting out dismissive ending up dismissive, with some dismissiveness in between...an anti larry zone here for sure

meanwhile it's sure just Something that like, heidi transitions into this equivalent role with 2 of evan's Peers in good for you. other people having noted that heidi being previously Rejected & presumably also pretty much fully cut out of the life of her ex husband is playing into her feelings here: a relationship of hers with a Peer. just now as i type this being like hmm interesting to juxtapose this with [so big so small] moving Away from this perhaps by tapping into evan being like a very small child. while the murphy parents, again, find resolution in turn by remembering better times with also much younger than he was connor....aaand in both cases presumably less "difficult" children than when they're teens :I like i wouldn't have heidi Not be mad or anything, another whole point here is that i wouldn't expect nor demand deh to be like, issuing a Statement about "and everything you saw up here is a model of the ideal family experience okay," heidi can even feel petty about it or have whatever other reaction and of course she's gonna feel hurt but like when it comes to Good For You i'm like, alana's grievances? hell yes go off. jared's grievances? hell yes go off. heidi's grievances? yeah alright but actually i'm more so on evan's side on this one lol....even when this scene establishes a clear pattern of "evan is also being petty & hurtful to people on purpose with his remarks here as he lashes out at each of them as things come to a head and he's deflecting responsibility" like yeah. and i feel entirely sympathetic to jared and alana here and not Unsympathetic to heidi so much as there's very immediate limits to that and (a) i don't think shutting everything down Because We're Family / I'm Your Parent as a fallback to whatever you do To your kids or whatever you fail to do For them, is legitimate, positive, constructive, non coercive and (b) heidi does & has been looking too much to evan for emotional support. wherein, again, don't need to go "i guess it's b/c she's a terrible individual" when it's like, she lives in a society....what else Does she have? where else is she Supposed to get any & all emotional needs met outside the bounds of her household (family) and her role as a parent/mother?

which is not really unrelated to evan's situation out here wherein, where is He supposed to find support and get his needs met? he doesn't feel that [at home] is providing that, even with him at least in part blaming himself for that, b/c he's not a good enough child for his mother. he turns to school as an avenue for Friendship, and when alana doesn't singlehandedly fix his whole life with a Hi before homeroom, nor does jared, and btw connor wasn't gonna do that either even if the "again i'm sorry i pushed you" hadn't been [their interaction: gone to shit: 2], like uh oh once again One Person isn't being Everything by virtue of somehow the status of "friend" making everything inherently perfect, or, [making everything perfect] defining the status of "friend," see: For Forever. see: how in sincerely me you have jared & evan effectively discussing, by proxy & creative fiction & plausible deniability, the presence of Effort & Communication in a relationship, as well as pretty much laying out a mutual belief in / effort towards successfully Becoming the person you'd like to be through deciding on who that even is and then just like, trying to be them lol. a sentiment that could hardly be wholly dismissed, people having goals, inevitably changing so you may as well be trying to be growing, but that ofc they don't have the perfect ideas at 17 of who they wanna be, How to be that person, and they sure really don't have much support to draw on for whatever efforts, And this being driven too much by insecurity & self-loathing re: who they already are, no pressure from anyone around them....and evan of course ending up thinking well the only thing that could fix my life is Romance, a Gf. and then he's not only finding himself in a situation where he feels responsible for another mom's feelings (cynthia), and feels like how people can think of the concept of connor is how they can think about him, & As he's navigating those things he starts feeling like he's finding some of What He Needs, and he already felt like it was up to him alone to do that, so of course it all escalates / continues for the next like hour & a half....he Is isolated, they all are, and not just because like uh oh evan on that damn phone

and then idk it's like yeah heidi realizing evan was actually thinking She was gonna reject Him and she tells him she won't. and for some reason zoe has to crop up to reassure evan about his potential for romance in general; meanwhile she's doing fine b/c....her parents' marriage is doing better = they're going on dates = also how cynthia is doing okay? idk. and no status updates on the couple of peers who also had no friends, weren't dating anyone, and didn't really mention family except alana's grandmother having died and jared not telling his parents anything and then only mentioning them previously to basically avoid getting in trouble with them oh and also how they'll be gone for a weekend so he's inviting his boy best friend to hang out with him the whole time like HMM to all of that!!! like well i don't think deh is really Trying to reach the most Definitive Conclusions in its story & what it's exploring, and that's great b/c (a) yeah there's a lot going on in there! and (b) it sure doesn't lmao. and i would always be detached from & in disagreement with "idk but Nuclear Family & Nuclear Romance must be like, It, right" or "idk. just be more normal" lmao. where'd your gay little peers go for the past half hour. bring them back out here

anyways i said "vague" so that i didn't have to try to muster a thesis. like yeah just noting Evan Feeling Responsible For Moms' Feelings: His Own, & Connor's, as very relevant up to his mom reassuring him she can't Feel like rejecting him / doesn't hate him. evan making sure to Behave as conveniently as possible around the murphys, and around his mom as well; while what heidi tends to talk about is what evan can/should Do, including how he should be Trying to feel, and as ppl often notice she doesn't have great boundaries, and as i'm at least noting, does need validation from evan / puts her insecurity on him in turn where again up until so big so small she's worrying about him possibly rejecting her. though she does seem to be Over That upon realizing evan felt That Bad, actually, and like thank god yeah evan doesn't have dialogue about "yeah btw mom i will never disown you" lmao. can sure look at this as just like, well, some "doing the best with what one's got?" wherein uh oh we Don't have much support outside this household/family, so it's good to improve it....like yeah sure lol and would be good if it was good even if they did both have a zillion other important connections to turn to in their lives. again, let's destroy romance and the nuclear family. and a further improvement were if cynthia got a divorce and befriended heidi (awkward at first but idc. here: they meet at a social group for divorcees and go from there lmao)

#deh #the spirit of kleinsen is very much in this post lmfao but didn't outright discuss it #meanwhile not b/c the works need to be compared but b/c i know & think about the both of them:#by contrast i'm going Yippee leaping into the air ft. a freeze frame + Caring when it comes to The Pants Song / scene

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gayofthefae · 2 years

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Re-depersonalized while rewatching for fun and man, they had it down. Mike had plausible deniability and unexplainable behaviour to the GA up until they put him alone with Will in a positive light right after a fight with El. CLASSIC move. Talk with your love interest about relationship problems is one of the oldest tricks in the book because it indicates the contrast in ease of communication and vulnerability of surrounding emotions.

And on top of that the flirtiness?! All our analyses are appreciation for the effort put into subliminal messaging, but all you really have to do is watch the show at face value.

And ��face value” is that there are two deeply close best friends; one has a girlfriend; him spending disproportionate time with her hurts his best friend; he has inexplicably started having bursts of problematic comments towards his best friend that he backpedals from and calms down immediately and apologizes but still, we don’t know the source; they don’t leave the others’ side when high stakes arise even during these fights; when the one has relationship issues, he goes to his best friend and things automatically become a little flirty but most importantly - the conversation with his best friend cheers him up and helps him make sense of things in his own head; the best friend helps him to better his current relationship.

That’s all you need. Those are ALL romantic tropes. Down to the very last one. The SURFACE LEVEL, what is visible and messages that, whether the plants are noticed or not, will be consciously received, is that contrast demonstrates that Will is able to cheer Mike up during a relationship fight and that he is even able to support him through it to reach emotional vulnerability and solution - no matter who the relationship is with. And it is common enough knowledge that that those are good qualities of a romantic partner that would be best practiced in his own relationship with Mike that they chose to show us Will demonstrating rather than El - putting emphasis on Will’s skills in resolving romantic conflict pertaining to Mike are or will be pertinent.

All the lighting and marketing and costume metas are great easter eggs for theorizing and subliminally prep your mind to be open to the idea and once it’s delivered go “I don’t know why, but that makes sense” but the *actual idea* is fed to you through these less subtle but not 100% textually direct tropes. Tropes are the language of television. Show-writers trust you speak it.

So the message they are giving ALL audience members, only missing the ones super focused on other or specific story aspects (which is us sometimes, that’s why I do this), is that Will is able to demonstrate the skills required in a romantic relationship with Mike. And then leave us to ponder “now, why would we need to know that information?”

Hot take: This season was about Mike reciprocating Will’s feelings. Will was made more clear because they established the idea last season and are now releasing him into the wild for people to catch up if they haven’t while they shift their strategic energies to Mike.

#stranger things #byler #general audience byler

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fairybond · 1 year

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About Page | Headcanon page | Canon Divs | Verses | Tags

Below are points I consider to be important regarding my muse and I hope they will be kept in mind during plotting/writing. Links to specific headcanon or divergence posts may be included in the below and I may add to this post in the future, as I go back over the manga or think about things further.

Note: filler arcs/chapters and the 100 Year Quest are not included as canon here.

A few months after Fairy Tail disbanded, she joined Blue Pegasus. She attended the FT revival to catch up with everyone, but ultimately she has stayed as a BP mage. She still keeps in regular contact with her FT friends of course.

Edolas is a trauma that is not going away any time soon. Along with some events in her childhood, Edolas has given her a myriad of issues to deal with. She gets anxiety and paranoia about being pulled away from her life/family again, she has trouble separating dreams and reality at times, imposter syndrome, she struggles with not feeling real and with disassociating. She has a level of separation anxiety and gets nightmares. Edolas was about survival, there are some things she cant forget (like seeing guildmates killed in front of her, and Erza Knightwalker hunting them all). Along with the bad, there was some good too, she misses the ones in Edolas that she had grown close to (Edo-Juvia in particular), and she feels there’s no one around her now (aside from Sica) that she can talk to about her whole experience.

The public does not know about Edolas or the truth behind her disappearance in X782.

Her Takeover forms are a little different to canon and do not appear as skimpy little outfits, instead as bodysuits (like a fitted onesie ig). She has the forms of – tiger, wolf, eagle, bear, cat, dog, hare, swan. The souls of the animals are something she’s always aware of and they can influence her. Having stayed in her tiger form for too long once, she has developed pointed canines. Sometimes, she gets intrusive thoughts from the animal sides that she has to try ignore.

In her earlier years, she had a very happy childhood with her siblings and parents. The relationship between her parents and the wonderful home they had is a huge influence on Lisanna, it’s something she idealises and wishes for herself. She still has good memories of this time in her life and tries to hold onto them. The loss of her parents and the way she and her siblings had to leave the village is still something that hurts.

Nature is very important to her, she loves being outside and taking care of the environment. She’s really into recycling and upcycling.

She is big on touch as it is something she craves and finds natural, it helps to ground her in reality too. She is also very affectionate, but will tone herself down and do her best to respect the boundaries of others.

Tenrou – canon is a bit vague on the timeline, but to me, the S-class trials were a decent while after the Edolas arc. Lisanna, having just returned from a place where she couldn’t use magic for 2 years, would not have volunteered to be Juvia’s partner if it was so recent. She needed time to train up and get back to at least her previous skill level. On that note, the Juvia/Lisanna team up vs Erza…they lost because they were not in sync with each other and because Lisanna – seeing Erza in a fighting mood – was reminded too much of Knightwalker, it had nothing to do with ‘Juvia’s heart not being in it’.

Tartaros – She and Natsu were not naked in the prison cell together. No nudity. Meaning she also didn’t become naked in front of everyone when her magic disappeared a little while after.

During the war – She had returned to BP after FT was re-established as a guild, so when the war began, she was with BP. There were times where she was able to fight alongside her siblings, but also alongside her fellow BP members. On that note, while I haven’t decided if she was with BP when they teamed up with Sabertooth – the two guilds were not crucified by the enemy and were instead simply running low on magic when FT reinforcements turned up.

#last one of these yay #for this blog anyway OTL #❰ ･ﾟ♡ kind heart. indomitable soul ― ABOUT. Lisanna. ❱#❰ ･ﾟ♡ she finds shapes in the clouds and meaning in everything ― TIDBITS. Lisanna. ❱#❰ ♥ ― lisanna. about. ❱#❰ ♥ ― lisanna. trivia. ❱

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koraesrambles · 2 months

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GREAT READING ADVENTURE part 2

Just finished reading the first volume of SAGA by Brian K Vaughan, which covers the first six issues of the story.

I'm. Um. Holy crap guys.

Sandman's horror was beautiful but a little much for something I'd usually read just for fun, but dang it, Saga is EXACTLY my kind of story in almost every single way. To say I loved the volume is an understatement. I have to again add reading the entire series to my list which aaaaah if I have to read the entire series of every single book on this list I'm probably going to die. Why am I doing this to myself? I make terrible decisions.

The Writing

I've never heard of Brian Vaughan before, so I don't know his history in comics or how much he's done, but I did read his end letters and saw how he'd been nervous about cancellation and how happy letter to the editor letters made him, so he seems like a pretty alright guy.

The writing in this volume is well-paced and engaging. It started En Media Res, which is something I tend to favor myself. It's a bit of a cliche to start with the birth of a baby, but it didn't stick out or feel dull to me. Also, the mom didn't even die, so it's already doing a lot better than 99% of stories I've seen that begin with a birth story.

Brian made me fall in love with the two main characters almost instantly. I'm glad he started out in a high stress situation, because we were able to get to know who they were and how they handled stress and danger in record time. He made me care about these two star-crossed lovers when romance is normally a pretty hard sell for me. I also really liked that he made the decision to have them be an already established couple who clearly loves each other instead of a will they/won't they situation. I also really loved that I never doubted their relationship's strength, even when they were bickering and fighting.

Anyway, the writing was beautiful and vivid. I felt like the story was well paced and that he introduced the characters in an easy to follow way. I liked the choices he made to try and get us to like each character (obviously I like Alana and Marko best, but the mercenary guy won a LOT of points by being willing to kill a dude to save a child, and the fact that the robo dude's wife is pregnant gives him immediate sympathy (though he's kind of on ice for being racist and trigger happy. . . )

The theme of children and saving children extends to all of the main cast of characters throughout the book. Even the bad guys who want our heroes dead are disgusted at the idea of harming a child, no matter how unfortunate their birth, and all of this with the voice over of Hazel talking about being born and how all children begin as simple ideas.

Honestly, it's downright poetic. I love stories like this, stories about families, stories where people are willing to do anything to protect the people that they love, it's just my jam. The only complaint I have is the fridging of the spider creature thing at the end of issue 5. He'd done such a good job of not using the death of a woman to motivate a male character at the beginning of the story, so I was bummed out that we still got a "he killed my girlfriend" storyline. But just because it's overused doesn't mean it didn't work in this instance. So, trope is annoying, but not incompetantly done.

The Art

The art is drop dead gorgeous. I wish I could draw like this. It's the type of art that I see and it makes me itch to pick up a pencil and start tring to figure out how they did it. The artist, Fiona Staples, is incredible. I found myself studying the backgrounds, how she was able to pull our attention to the things she wanted us to see while still making sure every frame was full and felt grounded in the world. I started taking notes on the way she was drawing the action scenes! How she made them poigant and the way they were all pieced together. It's freaking amazing. I would love to be able to produce art like this some day.

Some of my notes, just cuz I think they're cool:

don't just draw the action, draw the moment before and the effect after.

you don't always need highlights

background can be lower rended, which adds to the style

move the camera around the character, it doesn't have to always be from the same angle.

These are probably super obvious tips to anyone in the world who knows anything about comics, but I dunno, they just absolutely stuck out to me this time. The sense of adventure and fear and excitement the art invoked was just perfect for me. I loved it.

The Characters

As mentioned earlier, the writer did a really good job at introducing everyone and making me interested in them, at least a little. I cared immediately for the couple, the mercenary grew on me and the robot is clearly doing his best even though he's in a crappy situation and is kind of an asshole.

The character designs were all distinct and I had no problems telling anyone apart. I always knew where we were and the stakes for each character was very clear.

I can't remember all of their names, but I dunno if that's the writer's fault so much as I just can't remember names for the life of me. I can remember Hazel's name. Hazel's name stuck with me.

Usually when I start a story that has the cast separated at the beginning I'm looking forward to them meeting up. Even during times where one of them is hunting the other, like Zuko hunting down Aang from Avatar the Last Airbender. But uh. . . I do not want them catching up to each other in this one xD how bout we just say that Marko and Alana raise Hazel in a happy family, and nothing bad happens to them ever again, the end?

Yeah, not that kind of story. But I'm enthused by the lack of both child and parental death so far.

Final Thoughts

Saga is extremely fun, fast paced, well written, well illustrated, interesting and fun fantasy/scifi comic that I can absolutely learn a lot from. I knew the comics on this list would be good, but I was still pleasantly surprised by how this comic, that I had never heard of or run across before, was able to draw me in and attach me to the story so quickly. Beautiful. I'm very glad I read it.

#reading analysis #reading challenge #Saga comic #saga #saga graphic novel #comics #graphic novel #the great reading challenge of 2024 #reading as research #I am always pro books that are trying to keep children safe #I hope that continues #please don't kill the babies

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timothy-mark-brachmanis · 1 year

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The Search for a Balanced Life

My story is complicated, or so it seems to me. Maybe everyone feels that way when asked to write about something so personal as a major event in their life that changed who they are. I feel like I have already lived 5 or 6 lives, its been packed full of experiences both great and devastating. I will try to decide what specifically to write about as I go.

I am going to attempt to tell the story of how I learned the importance of a balanced life, and now how I try to keep my life in control by remembering the past each day. Not in a negative way, but to be better.

I worked too much, studied too little, never slept enough and certainly did not get regular exercise. I was too busy to take calls from my parents and would many times be late picking up my children. I was not happy even though money was plentiful.

I really did try to please everyone and cause no harm. When I was young I engaged in volunteer community work, visiting the elderly and talking with them, helping with yard work, etc. I really enjoyed it. They had so many stories and when I saw their photos, they seemed so real, relevant, they were just older. I often sensed that they still felt as if they were the same age as in the photos, at the peak of their lives. It was a wonderful time for me too.

As I reached my late teens and early twenties, maybe due to financial constraints, I focused on work and business to be able to help my family, instead of what I really loved, which was Architecture, Philosophy and Psychology. I slowly stopped reading as many books each week, stopped going to the library daily, stopped drawing, stopped going catamaran sailing and surfing every day, and started working more hours and planning my next purchases, 5 years out. Over a period of years it seemed like I was just the outer form of the person I was before. It became a practice, even after funds were no problem.

I went into business for myself. I started with a small service business then moved into property development, one house at a time, by myself. It was good. I was making money and not too much stress. Opportunities arose where I was able to do more at a time and maybe due to my youth and inexperience I did not see how it can get to a point where you cannot manage it, due to time constraints and I became almost a slave to it. Your reputation grows as it grows and prestige and so does your ego. I think I believed that you can do it all. We all have limitations. I certainly did. I got away from who I was, I almost forgot who I was.

I donʼt want to dilute my story, I want to try to keep it accurate and try to tell it as it was, if that is possible. I think I had everything most people want or believe makes one happy. But I wasnʼt happy. I was too busy to even enjoy what I had. I felt like a slave to the business and I didnʼt have any time to do things for others anymore.

The business transactions grew larger, and so did the risks. Somehow along the way, in the blur, there was tax issues, litigation, shareholder issues, and economic downturns which took more of my time to deal with.

One day I came home and all was quiet, very quiet. My wife and 2 children werenʼt there. My wife had grown tired of me never being around, our relationship had weakened and she left. That was a turning point. I wanted my family, more than the business.

Extricating myself was very painful. There was no way out but through very painful loss. The costs were huge, but I think ultimately worth it. I had to pay the price. I lost it all and even lost freedom. But I do still have the life of experiences that have now shaped the way I live each day.

I gained a fresh perspective, remembered who I was originally and re established my core values. I try to have a balanced day now with enough rest, some work, nutritious food, family time, study every day and a little culture each day. Even a glass of cheap Cabernet Sauvignon sometimes.

I am happy to say that Iʼm trying to maintain a balanced life now and by balancing the above activities in each day, I donʼt seem to have enough time to do too much of any one thing, just the right amount, and not get into trouble.

I suppose that could really be the story of all of us, in our own way, trying to be bold and brave and live our lives and tell our story. Sometimes we need to be reminded to be balanced. It is a protection and helps us live a happy Long life.

#blog #balance #mind #change

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violettelueur · 3 years

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— GOJO SATORU + KYOTO TECH STUDENTS || GOJO’S CIVILIAN S/O BEING A PARENTAL FIRGURE TO THE KYOTO STUDENTS

↳ featuring : gojo satoru + the kyoto side from jujutsu kaisen

↳ warnings : grammar issues

↳ form : headcanons

↳ published : 23 may

↳ pronouns : she/her

↳ request : Hello, good day and good evening, I hope you are doing well. A while ago you made a civilian s/o with Gojo and how the tokyo students see them as a parental figure. If it's no trouble, could you also include how the Kyoto branch would be as well? I'm curious of how would he students, Utahime and Gakuganji would treat gojo's civilian s/o. :3c

↳ barista’s notes : this is going to be the last headcanon for today and tha i hope you enjoy your cup of classic black coffee and please return when you can ╲ʕ·ᴥ·　╲ʔ

Now that we have established your relationship with the Tokyo side of the Jujutsu Tech establishment, let’s see how you are to the Kyoto side.

The person that admires you the most has to be Miwa because she sees you as someone that is perfect for Gojo even if she does have a tiny MASSIVE crush on him.

She will ask you for tips and tricks on how to become more powerful since you are able to fight for yourself due to the training Gojo gives you - it will bring horrible flashbacks for you - but she does admire your bravery to be with him since you are a civilian that didn’t know anything about curses until he came into your life.

Since we know Miwa does have a few younger brothers, she loves how you take care of them and make sure they are well since she did mention to you once that she was poor.

Mai actually took a while to warm up to you since you were just a civilian that was just like Maki, who can’t see curses (she did degrade you for some time, I can’t lie) However, once she saw how you were like with Maki, she did become somewhat jealous because her older sister now technically had a parental figure.

So when you come over with Gojo or when she visits Tokyo Jujutsu Tech, she will make the effort to come up to talk to you since you did tell her to ‘take her time’ and with one pat on the head and a sweet smile, she is instantly hooked onto your arm.

Now since Mai and Miwa had a good relationship with you, Nishimiya already has a protective aura around you because of her views on women being treated unfairly in the jujutsu world and since you were just a civilian, she is more worried about you since you are one of the reasons why Mai gets to smile again and one of the only people that sympathise with her because you understand her point of view - she is, on the low, scared to lose you.

Now with the boys, Todo is someone that respects you since you are quite brave for being with the Gojo Satoru but you are his one way to contact Okkotsu to ask him for a re-match.

No matter what, when he sees you, he will always greet you with a smile and ask if you could call Okkotsu for him and to be honest, you do it because it’s funny to hear Okkotsu calling you for help.

Mechamaru is someone who will talk to you here and there and sometimes (when he is comfortable) will tell you about his feelings and how he wants to be with everyone - leading you to open up to them about how you wished to be stronger causing him to feel more at ease with you.

He doesn’t admit it, but really loves talking to you here and there since you treat him like the person he is rather than the robot he is confined to use to communicate to people - you are someone that he definitely once met when he is able to physically.

Now Kamo was a difficult one to break into because of his position within the Jujutsu world and how much of a difference there is between you and him.

You remind him of his mother and he will try to keep some distance so he doesn’t get too attached but he will make the means to communicate with you.

When you tell him that it’s okay to talk to you when you are ready, he will take some time to think about those words and take his time to reach out to you - so when he sees his classmates talking to you on the whim like you are their parents, he is encouraged to do the same thing.

Kamo does rant to you a lot about how he wants to find his mother and he does thank you for being the support that you are as his ‘substitute’ you could say - he isn’t good with words.

You treat the Kyoto side the same as how you treat the Tokyo side because all of them have a different past that they trust you with even if you are a civilian and Gojo can see the effect you have on the students.

Gojo is really grateful for how you are able to cope with the pressures around you and really admires you for fighting them - something the Kyoto students can see as well.

Gojo loves you for giving the students something they don’t have when they enrol at Jujutsu Tech and how patient you are for them to open up to you.

I don’t think the Kyoto students will call you ‘mom’ but over time, it will slip up and then the Tyoko side will sense that - little jealousy fight here and there...be honoured.

Gojo will tease him about and say how adorable it is, while they are giving him the irritated look but he doesn’t tell them to call him ‘dad’ because he knows Utahime will make him run laps around the school.

Overall, you are a mother figure to both sides of the school and somewhat their support system when they need comfort and care the most - you are someone they can rely on and someone that tells them why they are a sorcerer (to protect people like you).

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cancerjupiter · 4 years

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astrology notes: moon’s origins edition (pt. 2)

moon in libra

libra moons crave the idealized experience of beauty and peace; you seek to co-operate with others, to please, and to establish one-to-one relationships which are mutually gratifying. you also find satisfaction in using your minds, particularly your power of objectivity. a parent who valued you highly and enjoyed pleasing you; who encouraged your aesthetic and intellectual development, and who was willing and able to appreciate your points of view, may have helped you to become attuned to the positive dimensions of a libra moon.

if, however, your moon is in difficult aspect, or if its trines or sextiles suggest a parent who was only superficially available to you, you may attempt to gain from a partner what you could never experience from our parents. you may become overly dependent upon others, seeking to win their favor by being indispensable and satisfying their every desire. you 're also inclined to avoid confronting our anger and pain, suppressing emotions because you fear any threat to your relationships which might force you to acknowledge your aloneness. these patterns were probably by a parent figure who placed too much emphasis upon appearance or surface harmony, who could not tolerate discord, or who led you to believe that relationship equals subordinating oneself to another. such a mother or father may have brought many unfulfilled needs into parenting, expecting you to compensate for deficiencies he or she experienced in childhood or marriage.

although your libra moons suggest that your emotional fulfillment requires mutually significant relationships with others, you can only build satisfying connections by first developing a secure relationship with yourselves, accepting as valid your own feelings and needs, and being willing to assert yourselves, even when it means experiencing temporary discord for the sake of more authentic contact. you need to apply your openmindedness and capacity to identify with many points of view in relation to both yourselves, and others - to listen to and affirm each of your internal needs, willingly entering disharmony and imbalance when necessary to create a more enduring harmony and balance which is so vital to you. you need to honor your libran need for beauty and peace, creating environments and relationships which truly soothe and uplift you.

moon in scorpio

this moon shows you value your privacy; you are capable of considerable emotional intensity and passion; and you need to probe beneath the surface of experience to truly connect with something. when your feelings are denied or your needs unmet, you may easily resort to detrimental scorpio behavior patterns - obsessions with sexuality or money, expressions of revenge or destruction, or demanding and manipulative behaviors. one of the difficulties of a scorpio moon is related to the fear of losing control or surrendering. because of this fear, you may deny or conceal the softer, vulnerable facets of yourselves, preventing yourselves from experiencing the genuine connection you seek.

you may have internalized messages from your parents which enabled you to develop resourcefulness, endurance and strength of character, and the power to plumb the depths of experience. your sexuality may have been awakened early through the intensity of friendly or family interactions (this doesn’t mean abuse; but sex was one outlet your intense feelings found to let themselves go), so you were forced to come to terms with your own life and death force. a scorpionic parent, however, may have negatively influenced your ability to receive nurturance and to nourish yourselves. perhaps such a parent was hostile and disciplinary, so you developed considerable mistrust and learned to hide your feelings. they may have been dominating, intrusive or sexually provocative, leading you to fear being possessed or overpowered. coldness or stoicism, as manifested in a 'be tough' attitude, may have prevented your internal child from receiving the tenderness and care you needed. sometimes a scorpio moon suggests the premature death of a parent, or a premature confrontation with realities of death or violence.

you have the power to re-parent yourselves by recovering, accepting and expressing your feelings and emotional needs, not just your sexual desires. you need to contact your core, to possess yourselves rather than others, and to learn how to channel your passion constructively. one task of your scorpionic moon is that of discovering your inner power and drawing upon your own capacities to meet your needs rather than manipulating others to give you what you are unable or unwilling to give yourselves.

moon in sagittarius

if you have a sagittarian moon, you need to be free to expand your boundaries - to discover and actualize possibilities, to travel, and / or to develop your own understanding of things. you have a generous heart and seek to give from your own bounty; you also seek to rise above your difficulties through humor and friendship.

when your real needs aren’t met, or when you come into contact with feelings or desires which threaten you, you may express your sagittarian nature in a defensive or twisted manner - procrastinating or avoiding immediate issues by focusing upon the future, abstract realms or escapism (daydreaming); becoming preoccupied with ideals or goals rather than current tasks; intellectualizing or philosophizing incessantly; joking inappropriately; or moving restlessly from activity to activity or person to person on an endless quest both to escape from responsibility and to fulfill your inner emptiness.

most probably, your mother or significant parent figure provided you with a constructive philosophical framework by which to view life, and imbued you with a love of both internal and external exploration. but such a parent may have been fearful of emotional closeness and taken refuge in themselves rather than responding to your actual needs or feelings or to the difficulties or burdens you experienced. they may have indulged you rather than given you real nourishment. they may have preached rather than gently taught, issuing 'shoulds' or religious principles which may don’t keep up with your own nature and development.

those with moon in sag may need to reparent yourselves by creating your own philosophy and morality apart from your parents and by using your philosophy to help you come to terms with rather than suppress your feelings and needs. your tasks may also include learning to give to yourselves and others, developing the internal freedom capable of existing within limitations and commitments, and discovering and maintaining contact with the god you believe in (if you do), the universe within or whichever internal guiding spirit which leads and inspires you.

moon in capricorn

those of you with a capricorn moon (me!) need the security of organization and structure, and the satisfaction of maintaining commitments and achieving your aims. you take pride in your work and want recognition for your accomplishments. capricorn is the position of the moon's detriment (i know. i know.) and is therefore a particularly difficult position for experiencing emotional nourishment and developing self-nurturing behaviors. when feelings and needs emerge, you may not even allow them fully to enter your consciousness. you may be too afraid of your vulnerability or weakness, and too judgemental of your inner child. repression of the deeper facets of yourselves may lead you to wallow in depression, negativity or self-criticism, to work incessantly, or to isolate yourselves from fulfilling connections with other people. you may continually give ourselves 'be tough' messages which support your self-sufficiency but prevent the real connection with your feelings which makes close relationships possible.

it is most likely that a parental figure helped you to learn to control your emotions, take responsibility for yourselves and make adult rather than childish decisions; and also provided the consistency and safety you needed to feel secure. however, having a capricorn moon suggests that you could never give free rein to your feelings, and that you probably did not receive much tender nurturance (i did, but it was from another parent; mixed messages can make your feelings even more blurry). your parent may have been cold and rejecting; they may have neglected you or told that your feelings and needs had little value. perhaps they were also a perfectionist you could not satisfy, and whose acceptance was conditional upon notable achievement and success. as a result, you may feel a sense of worth only for what you accomplish, but not for who you are.

moons in capricorn, you need to create their own standards for yourselves apart from your parents' standards, and to give up compensatory striving which does not meet our genuine needs. your task involves developing an internal source of security and giving yourselves the validation and recognition you may have originally sought from others. you may only experience the fulfillment you seek when, by accepting your feelings and needs and allowing yourselves to be vulnerable, you discover strength and self-sufficiency which embraces rather than denies the sensitivity of your inner child.

moon in aquarius

your aquarian moon shows that you need to experience and express your individuality, to be free to interact with a wide range of people, and to use your intuitive, inventive and abstract mental capacities, and to contribute meaningfully to society. the energies of aquarius do not mesh easily with the cancerian moon principle. you may have difficulty acknowledging and validating your desires and feelings, and fear closeness and intimacy. when threatened by emerging emotions or needs, you may rationalize or intellectualize, may rebel or loudly proclaim your self-sufficiency, or may become overly preoccupied with meaningless shit. sometimes, moon in aquarius may lead you to make sudden abrupt changes in our lives to overcome the internal suffocation of too much closeness or intimacy with another person and / or lifestyle. cultivating a network of friends, and dedicating yourselves to a cause in which you believe, may fulfill you, but may also be a compensation for unmet personal needs.

it is most likely that a parent encouraged your aquarian qualities. they may have been intellectual, humanitarian and individualistic, and supported these traits in yourselves. you learned to take pride in your uniqueness and originality, and in your social and mental skills. however, such a parent may also have been emotionally detached or cold, and unable to nurture you physically or emotionally, while remaining responsive to large groups of people and social involvements which were less restrictive and emotionally demanding than ties to you. one or both of your parents may have been erratic when relating to you, so you could not develop trust in stable relationships, and learned at an early age to defend against intimacy.

you who have aquarian moons need to experience and value your own uniqueness, while simultaneously creating for yourselves your own society of intimates, one in which your emotional needs are respected and met rather than suppressed. you need to develop and trust your intuition, and to use your minds to help you understand your feelings and discover how to meet your needs, rather than escape from them. other tasks of your moon involve cultivating the internal freedom which results from full openness to your emotional natures and learning to be your own friend rather than submerging ourselves in social interactions because of your discomfort with yourselves. you can only have yourself.

moon in pisces

having this placement means that you need space in your lives to drift and to dream, relationships based upon empathic bonds, and openness to sources of inspiration inside and outside yourselves. the water energy of the moon is easily expressed, and sometimes overly emphasized, by a pisces moon. when you experience your feelings and needs, you may even indulge them through long bouts of crying, self-pity, or elicitations of sympathy from other people. with or without awareness, you may seek to escape from yourselves through fantasy or idealization, or through such addictions as alcohol or drugs. many of you with pisces moons may vicariously experience your feelings and satisfy your needs by continually focusing upon the feelings and needs of others and devoting ourselves to their welfare.

a parent who was a piscean influence most probably responded sensitively and compassionately to you and encouraged your inspirational temperament. however, if your Moon is afflicted, such a parent may also have had a detrimental influence upon you. they may have overindulged you, catering to your aches and pains, or too frequently played the victim, giving to you wholeheartedly but also invoking guilt or seeking complete dedication in return. they may have been hypochondriacal, or of an ethereal nature which could not easily come to terms with physical reality. a piscean parent may have been victim to their own addictions, or tangled in dreams or fantasies and not fully emotionally or physically present.

moon in pisces may need to learn how to respond constructively to your own feelings and needs, to serve yourselves and give to yourselves rather than attempt to lose yourselves in others. often, because you suffer from a spiritual discontent, you may have difficulty accepting and adapting to the realities of an earthly existence; you need to translate your visions into action, to live those dreams which are viable, forging a link between your practical and spiritual or creative natures. you may seek to experience oneness in close relationships, but you are not likely to know wholly that oneness unless you cultivate your attunement to your own creative and / or spiritual source, and open your hearts to the fullness of both the love and the pain within you.

#astrology #zodiac signs #pisces moon #sagittarius moon #aquarius moon #capricorn moon #libra moon #scorpio moon #moon signs #moon in pisces #moon in libra #moon in scorpio #moon in aquarius #moon in capricorn #moon in sagittarius

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hartofhearts · 3 years

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Why Tifa is the only person, living or dead, who can resolve Cloud’s crisis

Alternate title: “What really happened in the Lifestream”

Of course the Lifestream scene has been discussed to death within the fandom. While some consider it one of the greatest triumphs of the Cloud/Tifa relationship and the game in general, others are quick to diminish its events and Tifa’s role. “Oh, any other childhood friend character who knew Cloud could do the job.” “Oh, Cloud only needed Tifa as moral support, he could have figured everything out himself.” “Oh, Aerith (maybe +Zack) could have done it by accessing her Cetra/time machine/empath/Planet powers.”

The Lifestream sequence is extraordinarily dense with many subtle visual cues, so there’s a lot to untangle and interpret. But no matter how you slice it, any take which downplays or eliminates Tifa is fundamentally missing the point of this scene, both for the plot and for Cloud’s character arc.

A lot of the confusion stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of what actually needs to happen in the Lifestream and why. Thus, using specific details from the sequence, I’d like to present my take on the following:

Part 1: What Cloud needs to accomplish in the Lifestream to advance the plot

Part 2: Why Tifa is the only person, living or dead, who can resolve Cloud’s crisis, where we will discuss fun things such as:

Why Tifa is the the focus of his greatest flaw

What Tifa’s presence in the Lifestream accomplishes

Part 3: Why those “Tifa-less” fan theories just can’t work

This is a very long ride so let’s get to it!

Part 1: What Cloud needs to accomplish in the Lifestream to advance the plot

Many fans think that all Cloud needs to accomplish in the Lifestream is prove to himself that he existed before the Nibelheim incident. This seems to make sense, as Cloud’s mental break at Northern Crater was due him losing faith that he was truly Cloud Strife of Nibelheim, right?

But that isn’t the only thing that needs to happen. Consider this: Ex-SOLDIER Cloud does believe that he is Cloud Strife of Nibelheim for almost the entirety of the game’s first half. However, Ex-SOLDIER Cloud couldn’t correctly remember the Nibelheim incident back at Kalm, and he occasionally exhibits alarming behavior (his headaches, his attempts on Aerith’s life). So the goal of the Lifestream sequence is not to restore Cloud to this previous flawed state, but... to accomplish something more. Accomplish something that will resolve the aforementioned issues by strengthening him against Jenova’s influence.

There are two ways to strengthen Cloud against the influence of the Jenova hivemind:

Rebuild Cloud’s sense of self by identifying and accepting his personal weakness -- without writing a whole other post, individuals injected with Jenova cells are susceptible to influence by the Jenova hivemind if they have a weak sense of self and weak will; thus, Cloud needs to fully understand and accept who he truly is, weaknesses and all, in order to withstand further Jenova tampering

Establish the truth of the Nibelheim incident -- until then, silver-tongued Sephiroth/Jenova will always be able to cast doubt on Cloud’s existence using the discrepancies between Cloud’s and Tifa’s memories

And wouldn’t you know it, but the Lifestream sequence does end up accomplishing all three of these things. It:

Proves that Cloud Strife of Nibelheim existed before the Nibelheim incident

Rebuilds Cloud’s sense of self by identifying and accepting his personal weakness

Establishes the truth of the Nibelheim incident

Something to note re: #3 - Establishes the truth of the Nibelheim incident: this is actually extremely challenging to do, as the truth lies solely within Cloud, but is blocked due to his own mental weakness. This is why the Lifestream sequence begins with Cloud trying and failing to correctly remember the Nibelheim incident: while he superficially does want to understand the truth of the incident, deep down he does not want to acknowledge his personal failings that are on full display in the true memory. It is only after Cloud accepts his personal weakness that he is able to face the full truth, failings and all.

So really, #2 - Rebuild Cloud’s sense of self by accepting his personal weakness is the most pivotal portion of the Lifestream sequence, as this empowers Cloud on a personal level and also allows him to remember the Nibelheim incident correctly. And as it happens, this is the portion that only Tifa can help with.

Part 2: Why Tifa is the only person, living or dead, who can resolve Cloud’s crisis

We’ve just discussed how rebuilding Cloud’s sense of self by helping him accept his personal weakness is one of the most important goals of the Lifestream sequence--and now I’d like to explain how this can only be accomplished with Tifa’s help and no one else’s.

>> Tifa is the focus of Cloud’s greatest weakness

I think that every fan, including non-shippers and anti-Tifa fans, will agree that Cloud is insecure and has a desperate need for acceptance. But because he needs to resolve and accept this greatest weakness, his shame, the real question is... when did it become pathological? What is it focused on, and what makes it his tragic flaw? The answers will give us a hint as to what Cloud needs to come to terms with his true self.

This is shown to us in the Mt. Nibel memory--the day Tifa’s mother died. And it is actually explicitly told to us by a very important entity...

...A blacked out, silhouetted version of Cloud that casually climbs out of his slack adult form. This silhouetted version of Cloud represents the deep dark secrets about himself that Cloud has hidden away for so long, and it tells us what exactly is on its mind.

Let’s review everything Deep Dark (DD) Cloud says:

Young Cloud: I began to think I was different... That I was different from those immature kids. That then... maybe... DD: Just maybe, they would invite me in. I thought that might happen, so I hung around...

...

DD: That night I called Tifa out to the well... I thought to myself Tifa would never come... that she hated me.

...

YC: This was the day... DD: Tifa's mother... T: The day Mom died...

...

DD: I don't remember the path I walked. Tifa missed her step. I ran to her... but didn't make it in time. Both of us fell off the cliff. Back then, I only scarred my knees but...

...

DD: Tifa was in a coma for seven days. We all thought she wouldn't make it. If only I could've saved her... I was so angry... Angry at myself for my weakness. Ever since then, I felt Tifa blamed me... I got out of control... I'd get into fights not even caring who it was.

(fade to black)

DD: That was the first time I heard about Sephiroth. If I got strong like Sephiroth, then everyone might...

(return to the nexus/Cloud’s mind)

DD: If I could just get stronger... Then even Tifa would have to notice me...

Many fans fixate on DD Cloud’s very first line (”just maybe, they would invite me in”), and I understand why--not only is the first satisfying eureka moment in the Lifestream, but it’s also deeply relatable. Who hasn’t felt like an outsider and wanted acceptance and approval? These same players then attribute all of Cloud’s motivations to this relatable feeling. “Cloud had a deep inferiority complex and wanted to prove himself to the world and that’s why he pretends to be the super coolest SOLDIER ever.”

But that interpretation completely ignores the other 90% of what DD Cloud says. The other 90% of Cloud’s shame is wrapped up in Tifa. “Tifa’s mom died... I tried to save Tifa, but I got off relatively unscathed while she suffered terrible injuries... Tifa must have hated me... I thought Tifa wouldn’t come to the well because she hated me... I wanted to be like Sephiroth so Tifa would notice me...” Even if a little bit of Cloud’s motivations are attributable to the contempt of the townspeople, the vast majority of it is focused on Tifa--would she always hate him? Would she ever notice him? Could he ever be worthy of her? DD Cloud’s dialogue reveals that Cloud’s shame and tragic flaw is completely centered on his need for Tifa’s approval. Perhaps only his pedestaled perception of Tifa, but Tifa all the same.

The "Cloud wants to impress all the kids” interpretation also ignores what the cinematography of this scene is telling us. The “big takeaway” of the Nibelheim memory and DD Cloud’s reveal is the single sentence that DD Cloud speaks after the memory is over and lights turn back on and they’re back at the nexus--the sentence that he “took away” from the previous scene. And look! It’s this one!

DD: If I could just get stronger... Then even Tifa would have to notice me...

THIS. THIS IS IT. This is the root of Cloud’s shame and explains his pathological need to misremember himself as a SOLDIER and thus misremember the Nibelheim incident at all costs: he was ashamed at his inability to rescue Tifa and Mt. Nibel, so he swore to himself that he would get stronger to earn her notice. Cloud needs to be strong so Tifa will notice him; thus, Cloud creates an illusionary world where he misremembers his own identity and the Nibelheim incident in a way that makes him a strong man that is finally worthy of her.

This is the personal weakness that Cloud needs to resolve in the Lifestream with Tifa’s help: he needs to learn that it is okay to not be the strong man, because Tifa will accept him regardless.

(And, sidebar, Cloud’s need for Tifa’s approval is not just some fleeting childhood dream in the distant past--even in present day, Ex-SOLDIER Cloud can’t bear to remember how he failed to be a stronger man for Tifa, because even in the present day, Tifa’s opinion of him is all that counts.)

>> What Tifa’s presence in the Lifestream accomplishes

While the above proves how Cloud’s personal weakness (his tragic flaw) revolves around Tifa and his feelings for her... we now need to answer, why does Cloud need Tifa to be in the Lifestream with him to work through these feelings? And this, I believe, comes down to two, very subtle, shown-not-told points:

Cloud’s honesty depends on Tifa’s presence, as Cloud’s need for Tifa to understand his feelings is greater than his need to hide his painful weaknesses from himself

Cloud draws strength from “his important person” (no matter how you want to define her: his main motivation, the person he’s been in love with forever...) accepting him and providing moral support

Let’s work through these in order.

REASON #1 - Cloud’s honesty depends on Tifa’s presence, as Cloud’s need for Tifa to understand his feelings is greater than his need to hide his painful weaknesses from himself

This one is very easy to miss, but is illustrated in two key ways. First, did you know that DD Cloud speaks early on in the Lifestream, even before the Mt. Nibel memory? His two lines are:

T: Now that you mention it, why did you want to join SOLDIER in the first place? I always thought it was a sudden decision you made... DD: ...I was devastated. ...I wanted to be noticed. Adult Cloud: ...I was devastated. ...I wanted to be noticed. I thought if I got stronger I could get someone to notice... T: Someone to notice you...? ...who? DD: Who...? ...You know who! ...You, that's who. AC: You... T: ...Me? Why!? YC: Tifa... did you forget... about those days?

Those two lines are definitely DD Cloud’s; in the earlier photos, we see that DD Cloud’s speech bubbles don’t have a background box. These new two lines are similarly background box-less. Moreover, these lines cannot be attributed to Adult Cloud or Young Cloud. See the below comparison photos:

DD vs. Adult Cloud’s vs. Young Cloud’s speech bubbles:

What’s very interesting is the tone of the second line (”Who...? ...You know who! ...You, that's who”); this is the only exclamation that Cloud uses in the entire sequence until all the revelations of the Nibelheim Incident re-memory. DD Cloud is startled into indignance that Tifa has no idea that he’s been trying to impress her all along. (DD Cloud is like, “Tifa, the past 12 years of my life were entirely motivated by you, are you telling me that literally none of this has gotten through to you!!?”) Even if DD Cloud were dormant and hidden this entire time, the ignominy of Tifa not understanding the effort he made for her for 12 years is just too much for him to suffer through silently.

The significance of this moment is actually incredible: the Deep Dark Secret that Cloud has been hiding from this entire time, the Deep Dark Secret that Cloud would rather die/go comatose than acknowledge... this Deep Dark Secret indignantly reveals itself just because Tifa apparently doesn’t know about it! Cloud’s need for Tifa to understand his Deep Dark Secret is even greater than Cloud’s need to be honest with himself to prevent his clone coma.

And this becomes a trend that continues up to the Mt. Nibel memory--Cloud is reluctant to revisit these memories, and only does so because he wants Tifa to understand his feelings. Almost every other line we see Cloud’s reluctance, his disbelief at Tifa’s cluelessness, and him forcing himself to open up so Tifa can know what he’s been obsessing over for 12 years. See the dialogue yourself (my notes in square brackets):

YC: Tifa...... did you forget...... about those days? [Cloud’s disbelief that Tifa doesn’t know]

...

YC: It's important to me... I hate to say it but... It's a very important memory... [Cloud’s reluctance to revisit the memory] Do you want to see it? Come on, hurry. [Cloud’s need for Tifa to see]

...

AC: ...a sealed up secret... wish... Tender memories... no one can ever know... [Cloud’s reluctance to revisit the memory]

YC: Do you know where this window goes to, Tifa? [Cloud’s disbelief that Tifa doesn’t know] Fine... I'll go. [Cloud’s need for Tifa to see]

Again, this is a tremendous moment. Cloud is only motivated to honesty for Tifa’s benefit, and takes each reluctant step towards the truth because Tifa is right next to him with all her cluelessness. In his desire to be honest for Tifa, Cloud ends up being honest for himself as well... Tifa’s presence is the only reason why Cloud can be honest to himself in the Lifestream. If not for her, Cloud never would have broached those painful memories and never would have resolved his crisis.

One last thing I want to highlight is that Cloud wouldn’t open up like this for anyone. Reread this line: “Tender memories... no one can ever know.” If anyone else was in the Lifestream with Cloud--or if it was just Cloud by himself--DD Cloud would never have felt the need to express himself. He would have stayed hidden, preferring for Cloud and the others to forever perceive him as the super cool SOLDIER instead of a “weak man” who couldn’t even save the girl he loved back on Mt. Nibel or fulfill his promise to her.

REASON #2 - Cloud draws strength from Tifa (the object of his shame/his fellow Nibelheim survivor/the person he’s been trying to win the attention of forever/the person he’s loved for 12 years) accepting him and providing moral support

This one is the most subtle as it’s mostly shown and the dialogue is not explicit, but the scene simply does not work without it. It is thanks to Tifa’s support that Cloud is brave enough to correctly remember the Nibelheim incident.

After DD Cloud says his final line in the nexus, he looks away from Tifa.

Can’t even make eye contact with her, even though he was able to back in the Mt. Nibel memory. He must think that now that all the cards are on the table, Tifa will reject him in some way. Maybe she will heap on the blame for failing to save her at Mt. Nibel, or be disgusted that he dared try to win her notice, but whatever it is, he expects some kind of rejection. But... that’s not what happens. Instead, Tifa implicitly absolves him of any guilt or shame by apologizing to him instead.

DD: If I could just get stronger... Then even Tifa would have to notice me...

T: So that was it... Sorry, Cloud. If I had only remembered more clearly what happened, I could have done something sooner...

...

So not only does Tifa fail to reject Cloud, but she also implies that Cloud is completely faultless, as she would have corrected the townspeople’s misconceptions about Cloud if she’d only known. Tifa plainly supports Cloud and does not blame him for Mt. Nibel.

Moreover, she continues to encourage Cloud after this moment. Soon after, Tifa exclaims:

T: Hang in there Cloud! Just a little longer! You've almost found the real you!

It’s only after Tifa’s words of encouragement that both Adult Cloud and DD Cloud merge into one another. This is a powerful moment; it shows that Adult Cloud hasn’t lost those deep, sealed away feelings, but has finally made peace with them. Cloud’s deep dark feelings are still a part of him but no longer hold him back; he no longer needs to misremember himself as a strong man for Tifa because Tifa accepts him as he is.

The game then explicitly shows Tifa and Cloud behaving with a togetherness that we haven’t seen the entire game--these two have finally overcome the distance between them and are able to tackle the world as a team. Cloud can finally be brave because he knows Tifa won’t leave his side.

And the game shows us this. First, Tifa, Adult Cloud, and DD Cloud all resolutely hold their fists up in unison (so ‘90s shounen anime, I love it):

Then they run into the Nibelheim memory together, side by side, literally in lockstep--look how every foot step is in sync:

This is different from previous memories, where one is always following the other or doing different things. What it shows us is that after Cloud comes clean about his shame and Tifa accepts him as he is, the two are closer together than ever before. Cloud feels brave enough to properly remember the Nibelheim incident when he has Tifa with him.

And it’s telling that the very first moment Cloud tries to remember is...

...the memory of Tifa being injured. Not the memories of him stabbing Sephiroth (or being stabbed by him), not the memories of Zack being injured, not the memory of Cloud putting on his helmet to hide his shame. If he were still afraid of Tifa’s disappointment, Cloud would not choose to relive this as his very first memory. Yet Cloud picks a painful moment that includes Tifa, trusting that they can work through it as a team. I know I keep on saying it, but it’s the truth: Cloud is empowered to fully face his deepest shame and weakness because he knows that the real Tifa accepts him as he is and will stay by his side.

Part 3: So what does this mean for those “alternate fan theories?”

Phew! That was a lot. Let’s recheck our notes on what the Lifestream scene needs to accomplish:

Prove that Cloud Strife of Nibelheim existed before the Nibelheim incident

Rebuild Cloud’s sense of self by identifying and accepting his personal weakness

Establish the truth of the Nibelheim incident

Given what we just discussed, any substitute for Tifa would accomplish some, but not all of the above three points.

So for those fans who say...

>> “Cloud could have done it all by himself” - did... did you miss the giant floating confused Cloud?? He was trying and failing to figure it out by himself because he couldn’t bear to be honest, even for his own sake. What ultimately turns the tide is Cloud’s need to express his true feelings to Tifa, and how it outweighs his need to hide his weakness from himself; thus, without Tifa’s presence, Cloud cannot be honest with himself and cannot resolve his identity crisis.

And PS, when Tifa says, “Cloud found himself on his own,” she’s referring to Cloud’s choice to reveal his weakness to her, and Cloud’s bravery at confronting the Nibelheim incident afterwards. She’s not saying “oh I didn’t need to be there at all and Cloud really just needed a couple extra minutes and I was basically scenery lol.” She’s complimenting Cloud for the radical honesty/personal strength that allowed him to finally express his true thoughts to her and thus to himself.

Verdict: Cloud gets half points for #2 (accept personal weakness) and #3 (remember Nibelheim) because ultimately he’s the one who decides to reveal the truth of those moments. Cloud gets 0 points for #1 (prove his existence) because he still needed to double-check with someone who knew him as a child.

>> “any childhood friend could have helped Cloud” - sure, that childhood friend could help accomplish #1 (prove his existence), but as we previously discussed, Cloud is only motivated to be honest with himself when he realizes that Tifa doesn’t know the extent of his feelings for her. If he never that Tifa was clueless, then Cloud would have kept the Mt. Nibel memory locked away from himself and everyone else.

Verdict: A Nibelheim rando would be able to accomplish #1 (prove his existence) but would fail to accomplish #2 (accept personal weakness) or #3 (remember Nibelheim)--Tifa is needed for DD Cloud to come clean, and Tifa’s unique role allows her to support Cloud while he works to remember the truth of the Nibelheim incident.

>> “Aerith (+Zack) could have taken care of it” - sure, Aerith (+Zack) could have shown Cloud the truth of #1 (prove his existence) and #3 (remember Nibelheim), because they both could observe the truth of those events.

But how could they help Cloud with #2 (accept personal weakness), when Cloud has been trying to hide his weakness all along and would probably feel even worse in comparison to these two shining beacons of excellence? And there’s some proof to this line of thinking; in CC, Cloud explicitly does not want to share his feelings for Tifa with Zack; and in OG, Cloud arguably tries to preserve the hero fantasy of being the Coolest SOLDIER Ever for Aerith. I can’t imagine Cloud wanting to share these “tender feelings that no one can ever know”/his love-induced weakness with anyone except for the object of those tender feelings. So #2 is still allllll Tifa, baby.

Verdict: Aerith (+Zack) could take care of #1 and #3, but they could never get Cloud to open up about #2--and even if they did, they were not the “victims” of “Cloud’s failure,” so their forgiveness/acceptance would mean nothing to Cloud and would not help him accept his own weakness.

Final thoughts:

>> Fun theory, but Cloti isn’t essential for it... the sequence still works even if Cloud’s tragic flaw is a raging inferiority complex.

There’s a difference between something technically working vs. what the game actually shows us. Yes, it could work if Cloud has a generic inferiority complex that has nothing to do with Tifa... but the game’s explanation of Cloud’s psyche (DD Cloud’s dialogue) spends >90% of its wordcount on Tifa. This argument essentially works if you throw out >90% of what the game was trying to tell you. Cloud’s entire inner world revolves around Tifa and stuffing your fingers in your ears and loudly saying lalalala does not change that.

>> But didn’t Cloud choose to hide his face because he wanted to hide his failure from everyone in town, not just Tifa, which would prove it was just a generic inferiority complex?

Sure, Cloud says:

C: I... never made it as a member of SOLDIER. I even left my hometown telling everyone I was going to join, but... I was so embarrassed. I didn't want to see anyone.

Off that line alone, one would think that he is ashamed to show his face to anyone in his hometown.

But the game shows us that Cloud specifically decided to hide when he saw Tifa.

Look how this baby is prepared to stroll into town with his Chocobo head free in that Nibelheim breeze. Not what you’d expect someone to do if they’re trying to hide from everyone, right?

But as soon as Cloud notices Tifa, he runs offscreen and puts his helmet back on while Zack can only shrug a “you do you” in reply.

It’s Tifa that Cloud couldn’t bear to disappoint. Not the rest of the town.

>> That final “resolution” moment after the Mt. Nibel incident is a little weak, isn’t it? There’s nothing explicitly saying that Tifa accepted Cloud and that’s why he’s able to shake off his shame and remember the Nibelheim incident properly.

It’s true that so much of this is implicit (the absence of Tifa berating Cloud, Tifa wishing she could have helped Cloud more back then), or shown-not-told (Tifa and Cloud raising their fists in unison, Tifa and Cloud running in unison). The OG script also jumps right to Tifa’s exclamation that the Mt. Nibel memory proves Cloud is a real person, not really lingering on Tifa accepting Cloud or anything. To be honest, the biggest reason why I even put together this theory is because 1 + 1 ≠ 4, but somehow that’s what happens in the Lifestream if we remove this shame/acceptance aspect. Also... how unsatisfying and uncharacteristic is it for Cloud to just feel ashamed that he failed to save Tifa, then for that shame to be resolved during the Nibelheim incident re-memory with a “oh it’s not that bad, at least you saved her during the Nibelheim incident so that mitigates it”? Or for it to not be resolved at all?

If Cloud was so deeply ashamed that he’d prefer to become a potato instead of face these memories, then I can’t imagine that facing the memories with zero support from Tifa would help him feel confident enough to tackle the Nibelheim re-memory. I highly suspect that this scene will be expanded upon in the Remake to explicitly highlight Tifa’s acceptance, resulting in Cloud’s readiness to expose his true memories to Tifa and himself.

#final fantasy vii #ffvii #ff7 #tifa lockhart #cloud strife #cloud x tifa #cloti #im sorry this is so long #i saw so many bad takes on the lifestream this month #i needed to get this out of my system #thank you to everyone who managed to make it to the end i appreciate you and love you

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stellocchia · 3 years

Text

Okay, time for another overly long analysis of our favourite green blob with a god complex and traumatized teen!

I will be discussing both the “Trapped in prison with Dream” stream and the “Am I dead?” stream as I think they should be analyzed together, so espect spoilers for those. It also goes without saying that, from here on out, unless stated otherwise, I’ll be talking about the characters and the roleplay only!

So here we go! More under the cut and be advised that this will be a long one!

First of all it’s essential to keep in mind that Dream’s view of his relationship with Tommy is extremely different from Tommy’s. I will be going more into details as the analysis proceeds, but it’s very clear by now that Dream is under the delusion that Tommy’s attachment to him is as strong as his for Tommy.

We have multiple examples of this, but the strongest one (until the revival stream at least) was back in the season 2 finale when he kept believing that Tommy wouldn’t kill him as he wouldn’t kill Tommy. We also have instances like him saying “exile wasn’t that bad, you had me” and his insistence on them having “so much fun together” that all point to the conclusion of Dream believing their game is played on both side.

Tommy, on the other hand, made it abundantly clear that he despises Dream entirely. He recognizes that Dream actively makes him a worse person when they’re together and he recognizes that he abused and manipulated him along with many others. Tommy doesn’t reciprocate Dream’s obsession in the slightest and actually seems extremely taken aback any time the green man proposes the idea of them being a theme.

On that last point it’s interesting to notice that the actual idea of them working together (Tommy and Dream vs the world style) is actually something new that Dream introduced with his stay in prison. Proposing they could “escape tigether” when they first ended up stuck there and even more in the two latest streams... Dream’s interpretation of their relationship seems to have shifted from “fated nemesis who have fun together” to “friends”. No, this is not a positive shift, and I’m not framing it as one. Dream’s idea of friendship is as twisted as can be and Tommy has zero say in the matter.

Now that the introduction is done, let’s get to the actual analysis!

Trapped in prison with Dream

So the stream starts with Tommy trying his best to annoy the Hell out of Dream. Then PussBoy is introduced...

One thing to point out is that Tommy seems to fear silence and lonliness over everything (as we’ll see proof of later on), so it’s honestly no surprise that he would not be able to bear the silence for too long.

“The cat is the best thing that’s happened to us” Dream is already sort of shifting from the “me” talk to the “us” talk, which is rather interesting. That also mirrors his “You being stuck here is the best thing that’s happened to me since I got to prison” statement.

Then there is the interaction with Sam where he decided to leave Tommy in there longer in order to solve the issue. We also get a very rare instance of Tommy showing a lot of his vulnerability, talking about exile (though it’s clear he doesn’t know Sam knows as much as he does about exile), which promptly gets ignored in favour of Sam continuing to work on the security issue.

A few seconds after Sam left Dream already burns the new clock. The reason he’s doing it is obviously to keep Tommy in a more vulnerable state of mind by continiously insuring he has no way to tell how much time has passed. All the while acting like it’s no big deal of course. Like his actions aren’t deliberate.

“What if we get out together?” “No, no! Because then you’ll break out with me, I don’t want you to break out with me” Dream already gave a similar proposition when they had just got stuck together and, again, the reason why this is so important, is because it seems to indicate a shift in Dream’s mind between the “me vs you” mentality to the “me and you vs the rest”.

There is then the whole debacle with PussBoy where he’s killed. There isn’t really much reaction from Dream for it (really, Tommy shows more panic about it then Dream does any emotion. Please people, re-watch that scene and stop using the damn cat as a motivator there). “Look Tommy, I’m gonna get out” is literally his only reaction. That and saying that Tommy is and always has been his motivator: “You motivated me, well, you motivate me all the time”. It really couldn’t be clearer here.

“I’ll get out and, when I do, I’ll get my revenge” (...) “On who” “On everyone who’s wronged me” “Oh on fucking everyone won’t you! You’ll go and you’ll kill fucking... you wouldn’t kill anyone would you? You wouldn’t, you wouldn’t kill someone (long pause)... of course you fucking would...” Now, why did I highlight this whole thing? Well, because there’s a lot to unpack here.

1) Dream is still fully of the idea that he was in the right, hence his desire to get revenge on “those who wronged him”. His mentality has not shifted at all so we can conclude, once and for all, that his “meek” act during most of the visit was indeed just that: an act.

2) Callback to Tommy saying he feels like his brain is “wired to be Dream’s friend”, despite having already been killed 2 times by Dream, Tubbo more recently almost dying to him and knowing what he is capable of in general, it still takes him quite a bit to remember that yes, Dream would kill someone, he would hurt people. Tommy still has a hard time admitting to what happened to him and the impact Dream has had on him and he’s not entirely out of Dream’s manipulation (once again, good representation, because you don’t heal from something like that in a month), he is however now better at recognizing it and correcting his own faulty thinking.

“I have a plan” I did not notice this on first watch, but was Dream’s plan to send Tommy to the afterlife from the start? Or, at least, to send someone there so he could study it? It could very well have been. He’s shown in the next stream that he wanted talk to Schlatt immediately asking Tommy about him once he was back. We can’t however ignore that he mentione that “someone who owes him a favour” may be a part of his escape plan, so that feels rather important for the future once he’ll have brought Willbur back to life.

So then there is more of fight that start. Dream is getting annoyed at Tommy’s “whining” and tries to make him see things from his perspective (aka “it’s not so bad because we have each other” again with the trying to establish their “friendship”).

“You don’t have ME, you never have ME, we don’t have each other, alright? I am me and you are this fucking looser who goes around manipulating people and lying to get what he wants” What this is is 2 things:

1) Tommy recognizing what Dream is trying to do, the subtext of what he’s saying and refuting his claims (hurray for the bit of healing he’s had!)

2) Tommy actually recognizing the possessive side of the claims Dream keeps making. I don’t see this talked about that much, but, to Dream, Tommy is most definitely his propriety, just like Tommy’s disks were Dream’s in his mind (remember that speach? He literally referred to them as “my disks”). I mean, he clearly acts like that’s the case, enphasizing time and time again how he has absolute power over Tommy (I’ll go a bit more into it towards the end of the analysis of the other stream, for now though, keep this in mind)

“Even when I’m in here I’m more powerful then you are when you are outside” back on the theme of Dream’s God Complex I see. He seems to like showing off as often as he can “how powerful he is and how powerless Tommy is” (in Dream’s words from the season 2 finale), though that’s most probably to keep enforcing the dynamic that he already established in exile, the whole thing with Tommy being entirely dependent on Dream. He seems to like that aspect of their dynamic as he has expressed multiple times his appreciation for that specific period of time.

“If I wanted to, right now, I could just kill you. And the only reason I’m NOT is because of my friends, for Tubbo, because WE need that fucking revive book, alright? That’s the only reason I’m not killing you” well, I mean, we’ve known this for quite a while. The only reason Dream got to keep his last life was because of Tommy’s attachment to his friends. I’ve seen a few people saying that it was specifically to revive Wilbur and, while that may have been an idea at first, by now he had already shown multiple times that that was not the case (even before spending time with him in the afterlife). When he went to “Wilbur’s revival” (the failed one) he showed that he was already incredibly uncertain about wanting Wilbur back (describing him as “not so poggers” in very Tommyinnit fashion). No, the actual reason why he wants the book is most likely because Tubbo is on his last life and we know he can’t live without his best friend.

“Tommy, I’m never, I am NEVER EVER going to use the revive book to help you or any of your stupid little friends, okay?” So now the question is: was this a lie or a twisted version of the truth?

I’m gonna say the latter and here is why: Dream DID, in fact, revive Tommy. We know this now, it’s canon. But he really didn’t do it FOR Tommy. One thing I want to make clear is this: while Dream may, in fact, consider himself and Tommy “friends” he doesn’t CARE for Tommy himself, not in a way that’s commonly considered as “caring” at the very least. He finds him fun, entertaining and he seems to be rather dependent on him, but NONE of this things equate to caring about HIM. So, now that that’s cleard up, the resons why he revived him in the first place should be rather obvious:

1) He wanted to see if he could and learn more about his power in general

2) As I said before, there is a degree of dependency Dream has on Tommy. It’s very obvious in the fact that, despite having let go of every other attachment, he doesn’t seem able of letting go of Tommy, not permanently anyway. He seems to actually need to have a degree of control over Tommy at all times

“I will never use the revive book. I will NEVER use it on you, I will never use it on any of your friends, I will never use it to save ANY of you” now THIS one is a straight up lie. What Dream was trying to do here was provoking Tommy enough to see if he’d actually kill Dream or not (which was a useful information for him for later). To see if Tommy could bring himself to do it (he can’t)

“I’ll get out eventually because, either you’ll let me out or... people will be dead” way to be ominous green man! We could assume by this point that his plan to escape may have been along the lines of “getting Techno to repay him by killing one of Tommy’s friends therefore forcing him to let Dream out to bring them back”, or something of the sort.

“This isn’t worse then exile (...) because in exile I thought you had all the power (...) here’s the thing Dream, here’s the thing I know: I don’t think the revive- I- how could I be so fucking...? The revive book Dream, it’s not real is it?” Here is where things start to actually go downhill fast. There is nothing Dream hates more then Tommy questioning his power, there is nothing that makes him angry faster (I’m sure the whole “I don’t give a fuck about Spirit” speach comes to everyone’s mind when I say this, as it should). Dream, as much as he presents himself to be a logical mastermind, is actually very emotional in the way that he is very easily overtaken by anger. He does irrational stuff every time he gets mad, that’s no secret. If he wasn’t already planning to kill Tommy to test his power, this push is what convinced him to do it. Also this is the exact reason why he likes Tommy (weirdly enough, their relationship is so very complicated) in the first place, because he’s the only one who’s constantly questioning him and challenging him.

As we know the fight escalated and Dream ended up killing Tommy telling him to ask “Schlatt” about the book. Though before that there are quite a few exchanges were Tommy expresses that he thinks Dream is powerless now and was lying about the book all along because that’s generally what he does and Dream keeps insisting that he’s not lying and that Tommy’s life is still in his hands, that he still has all the power (turns out he wasn’t so wrong...).

Also, last line to analyze from this: “I might as well be a God Tommy! You can’t kill me and I can kill you” pretty sure this is the first time Dream outwardly announces his God Complex and it’s interesting that his idea of power revolves entirely around having power over Tommy specifically. Because, even having power over Tommy’s life he’s still in prison, he stil has no real power of any kind. Everyone on the outside still hates him (aside from the anarchist duo), they still aren’t letting him out. Who comes to see him and what he can keep in his cell is still entirely dependent on Sam and not on him. But the fact that he has power over Tommy is enough to make him a God in Dream’s eyes.

Am I dead?

Fisrst things first, the afterlife part:

It seems that we may be seeing pieces of conversation had at different times. Let me explain myself:

Tommy opens up asking if he’s dead, then he has an interaction with Wilbur that sounds like it could be their first interaction after his Tommy’s death as Wilbur asks how he’s doing.

We know however that he’s been ther for at least 2 months, probably more considering he seems to have interacted with Schlatt, but Schlatt has been comatose for 3 months. We could then assume that what we see is a sort of very short montage of Tommy’s time in the afterlife.

The next scene we have Tommy asking “How long is left?” (we don’t know what he’s referring to, though it could be to his revival) and Wilbur responds saying that, to the end of the Universe it would be still 8 eons. Then Wilbur asks him to play competitive solitary and they randomly chat for a bit.

New change of topic (probably next scene again) we have Wilbur telling Tommy he’s happy Tommy is there (dead) with him as the tw of them were never good for the server and caused all the problems (which we know to be incorrect, but it was Wilbur’s mentality at the time of his death and it makes sense that he would have kept it). Tommy also has a very clear panic attack which Wilbur generally ignores. Wilbur also says that, if he’s brought back to life, he knows for a fact that the server will be in shambles because, in his words: “I know what I’m like, that’s the issue”.

Like it or not people Wilbur is most definitely implying that he knows he wasn’t a good person and that he won’t be different when he comes back. Simple as that. It’s also a further confirmation of his self-deprecating nature that brought him to self-destruct in the first place.

There is another pause that we could consider a cut scene and Wilbur is then talking about making a solitaire arena in a couple of months to an exasperated Tommy

Now for the revival itself:

First thing we notice once Tommy is back to life is that he’s most definitely experiencing a sensory overload. He’d gotten used to living in a colorless dimension with almost no sounds (aside from Wilbur’s and Mexican Dream’s voices I’m guessing) and no sense of touch aside from the constant pain that being back on the living plain may be quite ovewhelming for him.

“So what was it like?” Dream doesn’t loose a beat once Tommy is back before starting to ask him questions. He literally sounds like an eager kid who just got a new toy (and I gotta commend cc!Dream for the voice acting here!). The book worked and now he needs to find out exactly to what extent he can use it (the idea of immortality being on his mind as we’ll see later).

“Void, it was dark, it was all dark” “There was Schlatt, there was Mexican Dream” “There’s so many more drugs then just alcohol” “Mexican Dream, he was there, which was confusing, he was loud. And then there was Wilbur...” “(Continuation from below) and then I came out and I was in a long long hole, a tunnel of black and void, not even black just colorless” “When I was there it all felt so real, but so torn apart. It felt like I was in pieces, like I was stomped on” This is our best description of the Afterlife so far. A static void with no colors or viable sensations, with only 3 known residents now that Tommy is not there any longer. A weird reality with a seemingly entirely different set of rules to our own.

“Death felt like my body was taken apart and then put together and then taken apart and put together here. It felt stretched man” “It felt like I was shredded to dust” “No it didn’t feel goo- it felt like I was put through a shredder, but there was no blood, there was no flesh it was just essence, like a powder and I was put through (continues in previous section)” This is Tommy’s complete description of his experience with death and what it felt like. Having to stay for months with this constant sensation it’s really no surprise he would be so hypersensitive to touch.

“Honestly I was kind of scared it wouldn’t work” So, here we got another indication of the fact that, while Dream killed Tommy in rage, having him stay dead was never his intention (despite him claiming he would never use the book on Tommy a couple of days prior). He never intended to severe his last attachment (I’m honestly not sure he even CAN seeing as how dependent he actually seem on Tommy), he literally only killed him because he was mad Tommy would question him and wanted to prove a point, but to prove his point in the first place he needed Tommy back. It’s also probably why he revived him so fast, his weird need to have control over Tommy, which he couldn’t have while Tommy was dead.

Why did he care so much about Tommy not believing him on the book, you may ask? Was it to save his own skin? It’s possible and I think that’s part of it, others being convinced that the only reason they kept Dream alive was a lie could cause his death. The other reason is that he seems, as I said before, to want to shift his and Tommy’s dynamic to an “us vs the world” type of deal, which would require Tommy in particular to believe everything he says.

We can now add being hit at all by Dream to Tommy’s ever growing list of trauma triggers as he seems to have a very vivid recollection of his death by Dream’s hands... also we need to point out their body language in this: Dream is constantly trying to get close to Tommy as much as he’s constantly insisting on getting more information, while Tommy alternates between getting close to Dream and pushing him away (could be he’s both seeking some kind of comfort, but is also very overwhelmed).

“Tell me, one more time: what was it like when you died?” “Did it feel good?” Dream’s insistence and exitment about Tommy’s very obvious extreme distress is honestly concerning, but expected. By now we can safely assume that he doesn’t really have any empathy, I know, bold claim, but is there any evidence to refute it? Any evidence at all? Because, so far, he has shown a distinct lack of empathy in any and all situations...

Another interesting thing was Tommy’s reaction to Dream’s probing questions: while he seemed to get increasingly distressed by them, he kept answering Dream every time with little hesitation only at times adding on things like calling Dream a monster for the way he was treating him. I honestly think this may have been because he was in desperate need of comfort, and having someone to confide into is part of that. And Dream was the only “someone” he had there.

We then get the whole exchange about how time in the Afterlife is different then in the normal plain of existence. I’ve seen people equate 1 day to 1 month, however that’s incorrect. That was Dream’s wrong assumption but, from whet Tommy said, we can guess that it was much more then that. Frist of all, the first month and 18-20 days Schlatt was still awake and he was the one making them keep count. That said, we know Schlatt has been asleep for around 3 months (we don’t know exactly how much as they lost count). Which means that Tommy’s stay in the Afterlife was much more around 5 months then 2, meaning 1 day in the Real World should equate to roughly 2.5 months in the Afterlife give or take. That is, of course, assuming time there moves in a regular way and there is an actual correspondence between Real World time and Afterlife time, which is not a given.

Tommy keeps asking for the people he find reassurance in (at least we can assume so) which, in this case, are: Tubbo, Jack, Phil, Fundy an Sapnap. It’s a pretty weirdly matched group of people but, apparently, they are the ones Tommy seeks out when he’s distressed. It would be interesting to see an analysis of his relationship with each of them, but this one is not about that I’m afraid.

“Wait shut- shut up! Shut up! Sorry, I’m sorry” Tommy seems to have re-acquired some of his exile mannerism such as being overly apologetic and skittish, together with the lashing out more. None of this are good signs... he had just started healing as well...

“I... I’m a God! I can bring people back to life, I wasn’t even sure that I could, but I can!” Bringing Tommy back to life worsened Dream’s God Complex even further, because now he doesn’t only have power over Tommy, but everyone else as well. And, I mean... at this point he IS basically a God, he’s not even wrong on that.

“Dream, Dream, listen to me. The things I saw, the things he talked about, the things he said he will and the things he WILL do... do not- promise me, never EVER bring back Wilbur! Please, please, please” In case anyone was wondering this is the exact thing Tommy said on Wilbur. He didn’t say he’s worse then Dream here, but he IS bad news, at least if we trust Tommy on it. Wilbur wasn’t only self-destructive when alive, he was destructive in general. He was dangerous to others as much as he was to himself and he DID hurt people. And this side of him seems to only have been accentuated by death.

“Do NOT bring back Wilbur. Ever! Promise me you’ll never do that, alright? Dream, Dream, you are nothing, you’re nothing, you’re fine Dream! We can be friends if you don’t bring him back! You’re not even- all the tragedies you’ve done-” and here’s the part that I’m guessing people are interpreting as Tommy saying Wilbur is worst then Dream which is... a fair interpretation actually (considering that Tommy is not a reliable narrator). Now please don’t get me wrong, Alivebur as he was, wasn’t worse then Dream, but he had years in the afterlife to become even more radicalized in his beliefs. There is also the fact that Tommy doesn’t seem to put the harm done against him on the same level as that done against others: Dream has hurt Tommy worse then Wilbur ever did, but Wilbur’s potential harm against others might be greater in Tommy’s mind then Dream’s. That’s the reason why he’s offering something he knows Dream wants, which is his friendship, in order to keep Wilbur from coming back: because he truly doesn’t care about his own wellbeing as long as others are safe. Of course Dream’s response to this is: "It’s not up to you. It’s up to me because I- I have that control” which is very in character for the green blob with a God Complex

“What if, now that we know, we could send you back and you could figure out-” We can see that Dream has an utter fascination with this whole concept and, now that he knows revival works, he has no qualms with sending Tommy back (no matter how obviously traumatic it was for him) to get further information because, guess what? Death is not in any way an escape anymore. He can simply pull Tommy back as he pleases.

There is then the exchange about burning the book, but, as Dream has it memorized, they would need to kill Dream to get rid of the knowledge, but Tommy can’t bring himself to do it because he’s even more terrified of being stuck alone in the cell then he is of Dream bringing Wilbur back.

“I wanna know about death. We can study it! We can study it together! We can become immortal together!” Again, if there were any doubts on Dream’s constant need of having Tommy under his control, this should dissolve them. There is truly not much more he can do to show how obsessed he is then offering Tommy to be immortals together, especially because we know that the ideal for him would be to have Tommy be completely dependent on him again. To have his favourite puppet under his control for eternity apparently... “I want absolutely fucking nothing to do with you” of course, as we said many times, Tommy doesn’t view their relationship in the same way. Tommy actually hates Dream and truly doesn’t want anything to do with him.

“You owe me your life” “Owe you my life? You beat m-!” Who’d know that Dream had some similar arguments to his apologists huh? But this does show how warped his view of reality is. I mean, he’s fully aware that he beat Tommy to death, but he still think Tommy should be grateful to him for bringing him back.

“Now you can tell everyone that the book exists, that I'm not a liar!” Dream really went hard with the whole God Complex thing, even going as far as choosing his profet huh? Man’s just on a high horse and will never get down...

“Everyone... is my puppet” Welp, this is the culmination of his God Complex. The realisation that he has absolute power of life and death over everyone else. That he can play with them as he pleases. Also, may I add that, for basically this whole stream, he has used the “soft voice” he tends to do with Tommy whenever he’s trying to get him to comply? Like, I’m mentioining it now because it was particularly obvious in this last exchange, but it’s been there on and off the WHOLE time.

“You killed me to prove your own point. You could have just showed me! You could have just- this is so evil. This is- this is- this isn’t like before. This isn’t you’ve blown up and- you’ve put me through torture, through pain, to prove a point, that’s fucked! You can’t do that to me... to anyone!” It took almost half an hour but Tommy has finally come to the full realisation of what happened to him, of why it happened and he’s honestly very understandably distraught about it (though it is to be said that it's arguably quite good that he understands that it wasn't okay for him either to be put through that as he tends to downplay his own suffering greatly). He has been through something unimaginable for us because Dream was upset that he didn’t believe him about the book. That’s all there was to it, that’s all the reason for his suffering. Like, he’s not wrong at all when he describes Dream as a monster, that’s literally the only accurate description of him. No normal person would put someone else through this for such a petty reason.

“You’re soft Dream, you’re soft” Another valid point by Tommy. While Dream IS undoubtedly extremely powerful and extremely clever, he’s also petty, stubborn and childish. He throws violent temper tanrtums every time someone (especially Tommy) disagrees with him and mostly gets away with his bs because he has the power to back them up. That said he hardly ever lost, the only true loss he had was being locked in prison, and he managed to turn even that in his favour! But that’s the think: loosing makes you stronger, it often teaches you a lot and pushes you to get better. He (along with a couple of others) basically never had that. Tommy’s been through literal Hell and he survived that, he knows he can survive that. Dream? He may break at the first real hardship as far as we know!

“I’ll let you free, I’ll let you free alright? We’ll call for Sam, we’ll get him in here, he’ll let you out, but... I’m gonna bring back Wilbur and Wilbur- Wilbur is gonna help me escape” 2 things to unpack here (aside from the fact that he’s using the “soft voice” to say something extremely disturbing again):

1) Dream is, once again asserting his power over Tommy in two ways: by frasing it in a way that implies that it’s up to Dream wether Tommy leaves or not and by confirming again that Wilbur’s resurrection is entirely up to him and that Tommy’s opinion on the matter is utterly worthless

2) He fully intends to use Wilbur as a puppet as well because, as he says a bit later, if he brings him back then Wilbur will be indebted to him

And that’s how it’s concluded!

My closing thoughts on this are that, generally, Dream’s level of dependence on Tommy seems to worsen as fast as his God Complex. man went from telling him that their story “would never be over” to offering him immortality in the span of little over a month. Tommy is Not Doing Good, AT ALL, but I’m hoping he’ll ask for help this time from other people because he literally cannot deal with this on his own. Wilbur will not be good news, but what he’ll do is still entirely uncertain, it is to be pointed out however that, at the beginning, his frasing at a certain point sounded scarily similar to Dream’s idea of “us vs the world” when he said that him and Tommy specifically are the single cause of conflict. I hope I’m wrong there because the LAST thing Tommy needs is another obsessive God-like individual in his life!

@mysweatymakerstudentworld

#long post #I'm not jocking this gotta be the longest I've ever written!#tw abuse #tw death #prison arc #analysis #character analysis #dream smp #dreamwastaken #tommyinnit #c!dream negativity #don't know if that needs tagging #god this was exausting to write #I'm spent #utterly deceased #hope it helps those who were still confused though #/rp #my post

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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years

Text

Pining John Pt. 2

Please if you have any pining!John fics (like Sherlock accidentally hurts him like he did molly with the Christmas gift) I would absolutely love that!! Thank you so much😊(submitted by @thediamondwoman)

Anonymous said to inevitably-johnlocked: hi! New Johnlocker here, this is a fic rec ask, but do you have any fics where John is pining/suppressing/ignoring his feelings for Sherlock? Preferably after TRF, and without Mary in the way, and a slow burn one (sorry for all the preferences just one with pining John would be fine) and thank you for being a blog currently reading all your metas and they are amazing <3333

@i-love-books-and-so-do-you asked: hullo!! *waves* i’m in the mood for some pining john, so i was wondering if you have any good ones? preferably with a happy ending

and may i just say your blog is GORGEOUS like all your fic recs *chef’s kiss* thank you for the literal best johnlock content <33

——-

Hi Lovelies!!!

First of all, thank you for your love for my lists! LOL! These asks just keep coming in, so it looks like I’m overdue for another pining John list!!

That said I do actually have pining John fics, and enough to start a second list! As I re-read fics, I’m able to keep adding all the old ones I didn’t tag ages ago to lists, so that’s fun, hahah. Hope you guys don’t mind me just combining all the pining into one list, hahaah. I get more fics that way LOL!

Enjoy, and feel free to add your own, friends!

See also:

Pining John

Pining Sherlock || [MOBILE FRIENDLY VERSION]

Mutual Pining

Mutual Pining Pt 2

John’s Away (and Sherlock’s Not Okay)

Caffeine and Adaptive Programming by DemonicSymphony (E, 5,540 w., 1 Ch. || Androids AU / Bond Fusion || Android Sherlock, Coffee Shop AU, Pining John Hinted Bond / Q, Toplock) – Sherlock is a coffee shop android slowly falling for a regular customer. But he's not supposed to be able to feel emotions.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

There's So Much Labour Just in Breathing Lately by Susan (E, 12,708 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF / Mentions of S3 Events, Romance, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Grieving John, Mutual Pining, Meddling Mycroft, Therapy, Ambiguous Hopeful Ending, Infidelity) – The dreams he hated most – the ones that left him a sweating, shaking mess when he woke – were the ones in which Sherlock was just Sherlock. Laughing or drinking tea. Sitting across the table from him at Angelo’s eating pasta. Trailing his open hand behind him on the way to the bedroom. “C’mon, John. I’m about to have my way with you.”

On The Fence by BeautifulFiction (T, 13,770 w., 1 Ch. || Fencing, Case Fic, First Kiss, Insecure John, Pining John, Hug, Greg Finds Out) – The murder of the King's College fencing champion leads to revelations about Sherlock's past. Will it be the point that tips them from friends to lovers, or will they remain on the fence?

The Invocation of Saint Margaret by Ewebie (E, 15,831 w., 1 Ch. || POV John, Crossing Timelines, Light Angst, Fluff, Series 3 John / Series 1 Sherlock, The Matchbox, Mushy Romance, First Time, Bisexual John, Pining John, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Sensuality, Emotional Love Making, Snippets of Time) – When Sherlock Holmes opens the matchbox from The Sign of Three and John finds himself years in the past, back to that first dinner at Angelo's with a much younger Sherlock Holmes. Is he dreaming?

Division by MrsNoggin (E, 19,542 w., 11 Ch. || Coffee Shop AU || First Kiss/Time, Fluff, Barista Sherlock, Clingy Sherlock, POV John, John’s Limp, Bed Sharing, Fluff, Sleepy Cuddles, Sensuality, Touching, Virgin Sherlock, Insecure John) – John likes mysteries. And every morning he dips into the local independent coffee bar with his newspaper and ponders another... one Sherlock Holmes.

Insanity in the Middle by DotyTakeThisDown (E, 28,010 w., 8 Ch. || Equestrian Sports AU || Alternate First Meeting, POV John, Pining John, Bottomlock, Clueless Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Passionate Kisses, Hand Holding, Caught Making Out, Bed Sharing, Spooning, Blow Job) – John is a world-class eventing rider with a gold medal and several four-star wins to his credit, but he's never won at Rolex. Sherlock is an up-and-coming rider taking the sport by storm.

Deck the Halls by itsalwaysyou_jw (T, 31,018 w., 24 Ch. || Advent Fic / Multiple One-Shots, Assorted Tags) – One Johnlock ficlet for every day leading up to Christmas. Who is ready for pining, first kisses, established Johnlock, and everything in between? This collection of stand-alone ficlets will have it all.

The Case of the Vanishing Pants by SwissMiss (E, 44,025 w., 6 Ch. || Five and Ones, Post-TRF, Case Fic, UST, Homophobia, Friends to Lovers, Pining John, Showering Together, Couple for a Case, Sherlock’s Bum, Fantasies, Jealous Sherlock) – Five times John and Sherlock lost their pants in the course of a case.

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

Inscrutable to the Last by DiscordantWords (M, 48,842 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Alternate S3, John’s Blog/S3 is a Story By John, Divorce, Marital Difficulties, John is a Mess, Emotional Reunion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Grief / Mourning, Pining John, First Kiss, Adorably Clueless Sherlock, Nostalgia, Love Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending) – He wasn't Sherlock, he couldn't work miracles. All he'd ever been able to do was write about them.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

Isosceles by SilentAuror (E, 56,609 w., 7 Ch. || Post-S4, POV John, Original Male Character / Sherlock Dates Another Man, Love Triangle, Jealous John, Virgin Sherlock, Sexual Coaching, Angst, Romance, Domesticity, Unrequited Feelings, Miscommunication, First Kiss/Time, For a Case, Friends With Benefits, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Spooning) – After solving a case for a major celebrity, Sherlock gets himself asked out. When John asks, he discovers that Sherlock has no intention of going, at least not until John agrees to coach him through whatever he might need to know for his date...

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater / Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #pining john #pining idiots #my fic recs #submission #i-love-books-and-so-do-you #long post

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herglowinggirl · 3 years

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Hello, familiar anon here, I didn't ask the question about an SOK ending where Yun lives and gains redemption. I also wouldn't mind having my own tag. I haven't found any other evidence of Yun shipping Kyoshi and Rangi outside of "The Boy From Makapu". How does Kyoshi view Yun later in her life( up to the first year after "The Meeting", creating Kyoshi Island nearly 25 years later, the last years of her life)? Would Kyoshi ever mention or talk about Yun after the events of The Shadow of Kyoshi?

hello! and yes I have some thoughts on this and how it would impact the advice Kyoshi gave to Roku and Aang. this got long but I’d love to break down parts of it to write fic, which I think I will do and perhaps post before Kyoshi Fortnight. But I digress, it’s long enough that I have decided to use subtitles. If anything skip to the end about the advice she gave Roku and Aang I think it’s most relevant to what I want to say and also my favorite part.

what I talk about under the cut: the ways I believe yun’s death would impact kyoshi’s actions after tsok and what the advice she gave aang and roku actually means (my thoughts on “only justice will bring peace” means)

would kyoshi talk about yun during her lifetime?

Yes. First off, it would be impossible to avoid him in the political landscape, because it is mentioned that he passed lots of judgements and signed treaties, ect. Although Kyoshi has grown in her leadership style and it’s turned a little (a lot) anti-establishment, she would still need to deal with the fallout of Yun not being the Avatar, because there would be a need to re-sign treaties and settle disputes with people seeking to take advantage of others now that the Avatar has “changed” would have to be dealt with and in tandem, Yun’s legacy.

But also, in a duology that features grief, I find it a natural continuation of the narrative that Yun would be mourned. You don’t stop knowing or loving someone after they pass, and I feel like mourning all of Yun—the boy he was, where he came from, his legacy, the decisions he made, the impact he had on the people around him, even how he hurt people—is only natural and is slightly unavoidable. I think Kyoshi mourns all of her deceased loved ones.

Just, like the concept of this: she’s always hated pai sho but now when she faces a board in her gut and in her throat things feel wrong because it reminds her of what Yun had to do to survive. A breeze smells like the flour and air Kelsang sent into her face the moments before everything changed. She collects pebbles that Lek would’ve liked. Rangi brings her fire lilies for an anniversary and she starts crying. She sings songs with Wong that were her parent’s favorites that coincidentally, Kelsang knew too.

community in grief and kyoshi’s relationships

He was Rangi’s friend, too. Auntie Mui and Hei-Ran are sure to mourn him in their own ways. In tSoK Kyoshi calls her team Avatar a group of contradictions and misfits and in his way, Yun was too. The false Avatar. What a title!

A continuation of the concept: Rangi and Kyoshi remind each other of him every day for a while, swapping stories about him when it gets to be too much, making eye contact when they can hear his voice making light of something stupid an official has said. Hei-Ran makes her do drills she made Yun do. Auntie Mui makes his favorite dish on his birthday that they do not pass in silence, because then what would they be, that group of misfits, to forget another outcast? If they don’t mourn the boy from Yokoya who will mourn them, or who would’ve mourned them if they hadn’t been so lucky? Who will care for the beggars and orphans of the world if not the Avatar who was once one of them and her companions? In a way, the retribution and pain of it all is justice for the life that Kyoshi took. Like, there’s just so much to unpack in the way she says “Was I right about anything at all? What will they say about me? Avatar Kyoshi, who killed her friend because she couldn’t save him?” But I don’t think her guilt would silence her.

That being said, Yun was fundamentally a victim of a system that failed him. The same one that failed Kyoshi. In another way, her actions are justice on a world that failed her and her best friend and the similarities they shared, and she’s able to take those actions because of the way that Yun impacted her, for better or for worse. So yes, I think during her lifetime, she would speak of Yun and who he was, not letting people forget the ways they (and she) failed him and how easily everyone wants to forget their failure. It brings me to the way she was so angry with the Earth Kingdom establishment for discarding him and trying to hide history away. I don’t think she’d ever do that, even if she did...uh, dispatch him.

kyoshi, immortality, and her role as an avatar

I’d like to turn to two passages:

Kyoshi: “The way you describe it, you’d have to decide what version of yourself you’d be stuck as, forever.”

Lao Ge: “Exactly! Those who grow, live and die. The stagnant pool is immortal, while the clear flowing river dies an uncountable number of deaths.”

and

In the future, perhaps, she’d become finalized like carved stone. It would be easier to deal with the world then. She could only hope.

[...]

She still had to be careful not to lose her balance and fall. Kyoshi kept her eyes focused on her difficult path, sometimes stumbling but making sure to catch herself, taking one step at a time.

This isn’t directly related to what I think she would say, but more about how she lets her experiences, and therefore, her experiences and relationship with Yun, affect who she is. Here, F.C. Yee is detailing the person we see in her cameo in A:tLA. It’s a testament to her growth, yes, but also to how she lived so long. She’s allowed to grow now, while she’s young and still learning. But eventually Kyoshi’s growth will wane, leaving us with the iron woman we saw in A:tLA.

Remember when I said I would call F.C. Yee a sap for the very last Kyoshi POV line? It’s the last sentence in my second excerpt, is that Kyoshi is allowing herself make mistakes. It’s pretty obviously a little deeper than the concept of walking down a slope: She became one of the most revered Avatars, we know how her story ends, if not lots of the in-betweens, but F.C. Yee tells us right here in that sentence. She changed and she learned.

I think, however, that eventually she had to pick a place to stop in order to stop aging. If I had to pick a point where she became “immortal” I’d pick Rangi’s peaceful and timely death surrounded by her loved ones on Yokoya (not Kyoshi Island since I’m going to maintain that her A;tLA cameo was “immortal” Kyoshi) and I think Lao Ge killed her—or at least convinced her to let go.

further thoughts on her longevity: rangi’s role and future

Ok before anybody comes into my inbox like “um zey herglowinggirl I need you to know that actually Rangi also lived to 230 😌″ because I understand the sentiment it’s more like here’s what I’d like to discuss: Kyoshi can’t be immortal around Rangi because Rangi is in so many ways her catalyst for growth. First off, it would be completely out of character for Rangi to be immortal, because she’s constantly moving and being and feeling and judging and that changes her. Positive jing. And Lao Ge says it: “those who grow, live and die.” Rangi believes in the best and strives for the best, for perfection. For Kyoshi to freeze herself and become immortal, that would require picking an imperfect state. And as we know, Sei’naka women do not accept imperfection 😤.

Although Rangi promises to always be by Kyoshi’s side, I think in the latter years of Kyoshi’s live it’s more like the impact that Rangi has had on her in that frozen state. That voice of Rangi’s is part of Kyoshi in those years. However, without Rangi, it is unlikely that Kyoshi will always or commonly choose to act on it. It’s stated multiple times throughout the novels that Rangi is Kyoshi’s center and that she doesn’t know who she’d be without Rangi, but I think the logical conclusion is immortal. With Rangi’s death she becomes her own center by stopping her growth; with Rangi’s death she just becomes...that stone she was talking about, where it does get easier to make decisions because you’re not striving to constantly change and grow. It’s almost a coping mechanism, if you will. Because Kyoshi is more than Rangi, can function without Rangi, it’s just not necessarily pretty.

lao ge’s role and future

Which brings me to my “in my personal version of canon Lao Ge kinda maybe killed Kyoshi” point. Rangi is in no way Kyoshi’s morality, but she is very much the idealistic ‘better’ half. With this catalyst of hope and change gone, I think back to the creation of the Dai Li—it very much sounds to me like something Jianzhu would do. Kyoshi, who had previously been the breakdown of negotiations, created a secret op police force?

I think the moment Kyoshi started being the establishment, the moment she was the band-aid instead of the solution (much like Yun was, hint hint) Lao Ge would’ve paid her a visit. Either this or the creation of the Dai Li created a catalyst for perhaps an existential crisis, perhaps just being tired, perhaps simply knowing what is best...Kyoshi is, and always will be, a sworn criminal who cannot uphold the law, only her own judgements. She is both the law and the breaking and bending of it, and when she loses this balance when Rangi falls from her side and she becomes her own rock I think it would swing her away from her center, and this is where she becomes immortal. Eventually, it would become enough of an issue for people to intervene and tell her that her time as an Avatar is coming to an end.

advice to future avatars

This is my favorite point and I’ll tie it back to Yun in just a second. I have posted about thinking about the impact of Yun’s death on Kyoshi and how that would’ve impacted her legacy and the advice she gave Roku and Aang before. Honestly what strikes me is how proud Kyoshi would be of Aang. The way that each Avatar must learn to forge their own way and become their own person and what their era needs, balancing themselves, is something so lovely. I think Kyoshi would’ve absolutely loved how Aang took the advice of his predecessors and said “no, I know what would be better for me,” and I think post-tSoK Kyoshi, who has learned she has to forge her own way and style as a leader, would love and be so proud of him for that.

However, that doesn’t mean that her advice doesn’t have weight. I think mainly her “immortal” phase would perhaps have an impact on the way Yun impacts her advice. I think “only justice will bring peace” also speaks to the finality of death. Just like immortality, death keeps growth from happening. “only justice will bring peace” is also a nod to the way you must learn to cope with your actions and the way you feel about them. It’s also about Aang’s inner peace, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever seen mentioned. Everyone always wants to talk about what he should’ve done and how Kyoshi was right because she told Aang about her choice to let Chin die, but I think she actually guided him to the idea that you should be ok with yourself. To be confident in what you do and take up responsibility for your actions. Kyoshi wasn’t telling him murder was good. She was telling him she owned up to her actions and chose to make those decisions as an Avatar. To me, this finality speaks of growth after Yun’s death and the end of tSoK. She has grown and then frozen, but that means she has changed.

And although I don’t have an answer for what advice she might’ve given Roku, I think it’s a good way to interpret this. The only thing keeping Kyoshi from being honest about Yun’s death is the fact that Zoryu has “Yun” locked up. I think this is likely one of her biggest regrets, that she cannot be honest and responsible for something that weighs so heavily on her soul. This, I think, guides her advice. Only justice will bring peace. Now that I’ve thought it out, perhaps it wasn’t Lao Ge, and perhaps it was the idea that Yun had never been done justice and perhaps that turmoil never changed, which made her long-lived but not quite immortal. She cannot quite know the peace of death nor of life.

I think she must’ve told Roku that no matter what, he must accept the consequences of what he does. He’s not willing to loose that friendship and I think Kyoshi would’ve understood that, and the questions Roku would’ve had to pose himself as an Avatar. That is Kyoshi’s advice. Only justice, true justice in the form of accountability and self-actualization as a leader, will allow you to make good decisions. The acceptance of this: that whatever he does, he must be willing to accept it’s legacy, learn from it, and teach the next Avatar just as she let Yun’s death affect her leadership and what she taught. And I think that’s probably incredibly poetic, even if I’m getting a bit ahead of myself.

#this might be my magnum opus. will someone on bryke's team just hire me to write an animated kyoshi novels please #honestly im filled with such love id do it for free nd everything #the shadow of kyoshi #avatar: the last airbender #yun #the kyoshi novels #rangshi #kyoshi #the rise of kyoshi #familiar anon #anonymous #answered asks #rangi #kyoshi novels meta #atla meta #z.txt

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hawkinsschoolcounselor · 3 years

Note

I believe in Byler / the DID theory, but I somewhat agree with fans who think it's currently too obscure. I just rewatched s2 and while, yes, it's undercut in s3, viewers are ABSOLUTELY encouraged to believe Mike loves El romantically. You can't blame viewers for buying what they've been sold, and being confused by an apparent 180 later on. Mike pushes Will to dance with random girl, and there are multiple instances of him pining for El in a way that seems more than survivor's guilt. 🐺

"“To be clear, I see a lot of Byler in s2 too. And I understand the show gets renewed season by season, and the Duffers have to create a piece of media that can stand alone, if they never get to tell their full story. As with season one. But if we're right about their planned endgame, they need to kick it up a notch and address some of the things that will confuse the audience (like Mike's sexuality) head on in dialogue. They need to start spelling this stuff out 🐺

The last thing anyone wants is for the reaction to such at bond re-established. 🐺 beautiful, important love story to be one of fan backlash. There will always be a certain amount of that but I truly believe it was fueled by a lot of the choices in s2. After Will's recovery Mike barely seems to look at him, for instance, while we get long, longing shots of him looking at El. It truly seems as if Will's special place in his heart evaporates the minute she walks back through that door. We need that bond re-established. 🐺

I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer, but I am a little afraid the Duffer's will sacrifice the story for the sake of the big shocking twist. S4 will tell a lot. If that season doesn't do major work in building up Byler, I just don't see how it won't all feel so eleventh hour in s5. I love picking over the show in detail on here, but the story DOES need to be cohesive to a general audience, and I understand why people worry it won't be, or the theory won't happen at all. 🐺" Well, this is quite the thing to wake up to on my long weekend. I suppose I might as well tackle it right away since you were nice enough to include little wolf emojis.

I've shared many of the doubts you have expressed here in the past. It's only been over time that my belief in Mike and Will's relationship has been strengthened. There's nothing wrong with being doubtful. Popular media has long marginalized gay characters and issues and caricatured them even when they were included. It's only normal to be a bit skeptical even when it seems like there's a story being built.

I was initially disappointed by season 3, but, with time and discussions with others, I came to see what the Duffers were going for. There was actually quite a lot in there that supported Mike and Will having feelings for each other, while also showing that Mike and El were both worse off while dating. Are we to believe that a bunch of 14 year olds really understand their feelings? No, especially when feelings involve being gay in the 80s or when your concept of a love and relationships comes from watching soap operas at 12/13 after growing up in isolation.

I suggest that you check out this post of mine if you haven't already, “Why do you lie?”: A look at a gay Mike Wheeler. It covers how Mike's existing portrayal can lead to a gay reveal without it being contradictory. There are reasons that Mike shows such intense concern for Will only to latch onto El once things calm down, at least in my conceptualization of it. In my opinion, Mike is confused and scared, so his mind is shifting his feelings onto a more socially appropriate target. If I had to pick, I'd probably say this was my best post. Feel free to holler back if you're still skeptical.

As for the Duffers sacrificing story for twists, I wouldn't worry. The Duffers have shown that they are highly skilled writers, so far. To me, it would be a bigger twist that they'd pull such a move. In this case, I think the "twist" is that fans are so used to conventional expectations (tropes) that they miss what is right in front of them. The Duffers have been subverting tropes since season 1. In fact, they seem to thrive on it.

I'll also mention that She-Ra didn't set sail with the ships until its final season, but the signs were always there. While I'd prefer we don't get a dramatic reveal in the grand finale like we did there, it's worth mentioning that once one saw that Adorra and Catra had feelings for each other, those earlier moments become more clear. I think many Stranger Things fans are going to be able to see those earlier signs after the fact, and, hopefully, it leads some to question heteronormativity.

#stranger things #byler #gay mike wheeler

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kyber-queen · 3 years

Text

burning (fives x gn!jedi!reader)

Summary: A retelling of the Umbara arc where reader is assigned to the 501st to assist in the Umbara invasion. Established relationship with Fives, Krell is an ass to reader and Fives is Not Having It, couples that defend one another stay together, lil bit of fluff lil bit of angst lil bit of action we got it ALL

Rating: Teen

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Canon-typical violence, medical stuff, mentions of death/injury, Krell is just an ASSHOLE to the reader, a lil kiss perhaps

Author’s Note: This idea has been stuck in my head for AGES, and now I finally have it on paper!! This was really fun to write, as always ANY comments/feedback/questions would be HIGHLY appreciated !! ALSO: ner kar’ta means my heart in Mando’a !!

***

A rumble of murmurs rolled through the battalion of troopers at the sight of the interim general of the 501st. Pong Krell, Fives had identified from behind you. You watched warily as the besalisk exited the dropship, his hulking form broad and dark against the soft glow of the natural vegetation. You fell silent as he spoke with General Skywalker. The newcomer unnerved you. Skywalker seemed hesitant to leave his troops behind—you didn’t blame him. The council had insisted you accompany the 501st to assist with the march on Umbara’s capitol, and even with your short time stationed directly in the unit you had seen firsthand Skywalker’s devotion to his troopers. The prospect of leaving them under the command of the rather imposing figure before him must be daunting.

You snapped to attention as Skywalker introduced you and the Captain, your eyes meeting Krell’s for a moment as he appraised you. His gaze turned your stomach.

He was a Jedi master, you reminded yourself. He had the respect and trust of the council, and as Skywalker turned to leave, you reluctantly acknowledged that he had the General’s trust as well. You shifted a quick glance behind you, seeking out Fives. He stood at attention, his shoulders squared. You’d talk to him later, you figured.

“Commander, will I be graced with the honor of your full attention, or do you have more pressing matters at hand?”

Condescension dripped from Krell’s tone. Your cheeks heated, and you quickly turned to face the new General.

“My apologies, sir,”.

Krell harrumphed, continuing on with his speech.

You watched the troopers’ faces fall as he ordered them to stand at attention when speaking to him. Krell seemed to be a fierce disciplinarian—you doubted there would be much tolerance for open discussion with the besalisk in charge. Still, he ran a highly successful battalion. His leadership style differed greatly from Skywalker’s, but he had the success rates to back up his different strategies. It’ll only be one mission, you figured. How bad could it be?

Krell finished his speech with a sharp nod of his head, ordering the troopers to move out. You lingered in the rear, giving Krell a respectful nod as he wrapped up his discussion with the Captain. Now was as good a time as any to make a more personal introduction.

“General Krell, the council sent me here to—”

“I know why you’re here, Commander. As far as my understanding goes, you are to act as a tactical assistant. I will let you know if I need any such assistance. Dismissed,”.

You frowned, turning away and taking a few jogging paces to catch up with the men. Was it just you, or did the new general seem rather indifferent? You brushed away your thoughts as the terrain rose up to meet the steady pace of your feet.

“Fives,” you called, his helmet whipping around at the sound of your voice. He motioned for his brothers to slow down, allowing you to catch up. You quickened your pace, closing the gap between the two of you.

“So, what do you think of the interim General?” He asked, looking back to his brothers for just a moment as if in reassurance.

“Strict, and almost dismissive” you noted, “but I’m sure his intentions are good,”.

Fives nodded, slipping off his helmet and tucking it under his arm as you walked.

“Me ‘n Jesse were just talking—Krell has the highest casualty rate in the GAR,”.

Your mouth formed into a small ‘o’ as you acknowledged the concerned look on Fives’s face.

His voice lowered, so only you could hear.

“It’s over 50%, ner kar’ta. He’s reckless, and he doesn’t take no for an answer. I—”

You silenced him with a gentle touch to his upper arm, in between the gap in his armor. His eyes drifted to your hand against his skin, and then back to your face. His expression softened.

“I know it’s going to be difficult—honestly, I don’t entirely trust him either—but Skywalker and the council do. We aren’t going to be able to pull this invasion off if everybody isn’t on the same page,”.

Fives nodded hesitantly. You gave him a soft smile in response. The two of you trudged on.

***

After hours of crossing inhospitable terrain, fending off native creatures, and surviving an enemy ambush, your patience with Krell was wearing thin. In the past few hours, he had shown a total disregard for the lives of the men under his command as well as your own rank in the battalion. When you seconded Rex’s call for a scouting party, the General all but laughed in your face. Your opinion meant next to nothing to him. Without the extra reconnaissance, hundreds of men died today. Unnecessarily. You burned. Rex and Fives echoed your frustrations, both men airing their grievances with the interim General.

Rex spoke first, raisng the question of Krell’s inconsiderate and dangerous tactics. He was right, you thought. Krell had crossed a line with his reckless strategies.

The General was less than receptive to Rex’s input, jabbing his large finger into the man’s chest as punctuation to his harsh words. You opened your mouth to remind the General that, according to the Jedi council, you were still his tactical advisor and that you had also adamantly disagreed with his strategies before he dismissed your opinion. Before you could speak, Fives strode up to the General, speaking in fierce defense of his captain.

“General Krell, in case you haven’t noticed, Captain Rex just saved this platoon. Surely you won’t fail to recognize that,”.

Krell’s lips twisted into a sneer, and he ignited his lightsaber menacingly. Your hand instinctively flew to your own saber on your belt clip as you stepped forward in defense of Fives, the weapon igniting in your hand.

“ARC-5555, stand down,” Krell ordered. His gaze flitted over to you, noting the saber in your hand and the thinly concealed fury in your eyes with a smirk. “And Commander, put that out before someone loses an eye,”.

“Sir, yes, sir,” Fives murmured, exchanging a glance with you as you hesitantly switched off your saber.

Krell dismissed the platoon with a smug grin.

You grabbed Fives’ vambrace, dragging him behind a large swatch of vegetation. He removed his helmet, taking a seat on the ground next to you. He sighed deeply. The dark circles under his eyes were prominent—he looked tired.

You wanted to yell. You wanted to complain. You knew neither of you needed that right now.

You reached up to cup Fives’s face in your hand, stroking his cheekbone with your thumb gently.

“When we get back, I’ll issue a report to the council on Krell’s neglectful treatment,” you murmured, offering what comfort you could.

Fives shook his head.

“It’s no use—what’s the council going to do? Give him a slap on the wrist? It’s not just Krell, ner kar’ta. To the majority of officers here, we’re expendable. One man dies, but there’s three more finishing up their training on Kamino and ready to take his place. I wish they’d realize—”. Fives trailed off with a sigh, and his soft brown eyes met yours.

You gave him a sad little smile.

“I love you,” you whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. Fives’ hand moved up to rest lightly against your cheek, his other hand holding the small of your back softly as he returned your kiss with a small grin.

A twig snapped.

You leapt away from each other as if you had both been burned.

You looked around, searching the darkness for a hidden figure. Heavy footsteps sounded to your right.

Before you could turn to follow the noise, blaster fire echoed to your left. Fives slipped his helmet over his head, yanking you back behind the vegetation. Your saber ignited, and the sky lit up with crossfire.

***

After receiving new information from Kenobi, the battered 501st made its weary way to the Umbaran airbase. Under Krell’s command the casualty rate had increased tenfold for this mission alone—the battalion medics were stretched thin. You did what you could to ease the pain of the wounded. Spotting a ridge, Krell motioned for you and the Captain to follow him.

“We’ll advance along the central gorge, and engage their forces in a full-forward assault,” Krell ordered.

You exchanged a look with Rex, who re-examined the terrain with his scope.

“The gorge is narrow, sir. We’ll only be able to move our platoons in single squads,” Rex explained.

We’ll be sitting ducks entering single-file down that gorge, you thought.

“Perhaps a closer recon will tell us if there’s a more secure route,” Rex suggested.

“I agree with the Captain,” you stated. “With the numbers we’ve lost earlier today, we can’t afford to risk the lives of the men we have left with a full-forward assault,” you supplemented.

Krell frowned.

“Obi-Wan and the other battalions are holding off the enemy right now, while they wait for us to take out this base. We don’t have time to look for a more secure route,”.

Krell turned away with finality.

Rex shook his head, turning back toward his men.

This isn’t right, you thought. You jogged to catch up with the General.

“General Krell,” you called.

“What is it, Commander?” he grumbled.

“I’d like to talk to you about possibly reconsidering the full-forward strategy. A short reconnaissance mission could provide vital information in taking this base, and it could possibly save the lives of many of our men,”. Your hands twitched anxiously.

“Our men, hmm? A charming sentiment, Commander,”.

Your brows furrowed. When you next spoke, there was a new intensity to your voice.

“Forgive me for being forward, General, but it isn’t a sentiment. Each trooper we lose is a life that we were responsible for protecting. It is in everyone’s best interest to go forward with the reconnaissance. As your tactical advisor, I strongly suggest you consult with Captain Rex to put together a small recon team,”.

Krell chuckled to himself.

“Everyone’s best interest. Amusing. We’ll proceed with the full-forward assault as planned,”.

You fumed.

“Sir, as your tactical advisor, I insist that you initiate the formation of a reconnaissance team. I do not understand why you fail to realize the gravity of this situation,”.

There was a spark to Krell’s eyes, now. You had angered him. He paused. You held your breath.

“Forgive me for being forward, Commander, but I do not place much weight on the opinion of someone whoring themself out for a clone. I’m sure you understand how this situation appears to me,”.

You sucked in a sharp breath. It had been him in the darkness. You were certain of it. Your chest burned.

“I-I apologize, General,”.

Krell nodded dismissively. You turned away, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. He knew. You’d get expelled from the order, Fives would get reconditioned if he was lucky, and you had no clue what to do about it. You stepped away.

“Oh, and Commander?”

You turned back to face the General, hastily wiping at your face. You wouldn’t cry in front of him. You couldn’t.

“Yes, sir?”

“If you want to remain in your current station, you would do well not to disobey my orders again,”.

Krell was blackmailing you.

You nodded.

“Yes, sir,”.

You stumbled down the hill as fast as you could, spotting Fives amongst a gathering of troopers. He noticed a tear streaking your face, and pulled you away from the crowd. As soon as the two of you were alone, you spoke.

“He knows, Fives. Krell knows about us. He saw us, when we were away from the rest of the platoon, after he threatened you. Maker, I—” Another tear slipped down your cheek as you fought to catch your breath.

“Slow down, ner kar’ta, are you sure? How do you know?”

Fives’ eyes, soft and calm, met your teary ones. You scrubbed at your face hurriedly.

“I went to talk to him after he proposed the full-forward assault without a recon,” you spoke, your voice wavering less this time. “He wasn’t receptive to my explanation, so I asked him why. He said he ‘didn’t place weight on the opinion of someone whoring themself out for a clone,’”.

Fives’ eyes went wide.

“He said that to you?”

You nodded. “He knows,”.

Fives gripped your shoulders tightly.

“Stay here. I’m going to—” Fives started towards the hill, looking up to where Krell stood with an expression of pure rage on his face. A palm to his chest stopped him in his tracks.

“Don’t. I think he’s blackmailing me—I don’t think he’ll tell, as long as I don’t question his orders,” you explained.

Fives cocked his eyebrow at you.

“You really believe that?”

“I have to. What choice do I have?”

Fives shook his head, checking to make sure you were truly alone before pulling you into a tight embrace. You sighed into his shoulder.

“He won’t get away with this, ner kar’ta. I promise you,”.

***

Your hands shook. You had taken the airbase, the supply ship had been destroyed, and it still wasn’t enough for Krell. You remembered when Fives landed the Umbaran fighter just an hour ago, how relieved you had been when he made it back alive. That relief was gone, now. Krell had ordered him to be court-marshalled for disobeying orders. Rex had assured you he would assume responsibility, that he would talk to Krell, and that Fives would be okay. He came back minutes later with a weary face and news that threatened to rend your heart from its chest. He had received an order of execution for Fives and Jesse. You had to talk to Krell—beg on your hands and knees if you had to—you had to get that order reversed, nevermind Krell’s warning not to question his orders. You had to try.

You stood outside the command center, attempting to steady your countenance. One trembling finger pressed the button to open the door.

“General, we need to talk,”.

“What troubles you, Commander?” Krell didn’t even bother to turn around.

“I demand that you overturn the order of execution for ARC-5555 and CT-5597,” you stated firmly.

Krell chuckled.

“We both know you’re in no position to make such demands, Commander,” Krell sighed to himself. “I had hoped you would heed my earlier warning. I should have known it would fall on deaf ears,”.

“General, you are sending two innocent men to their deaths,”.

Krell glanced around, noticing the surrounding clones closely watching your exchange.

“Troopers, leave us,”.

The men filed out of the room quickly, leaving you alone with the General.

“You should be thanking me, Commander,” Krell mused. “Last time I checked, wasn’t attachment cause to be expelled from the Jedi order? Exterminating this clone solves both of our problems,”.

You shook your head.

“They won’t do it. They won’t execute them,”.

Krell hummed, considering your statement.

“Maybe so—but these men will be put to death, even if I have to carry it out myself,”. A twisted smile split Krell’s face as he spoke.

You ignited your saber, your tone fierce and unyielding.

“I won’t let you,”.

Krell tilted his head, both his sabers lighting up in his hands.

“Make your decision carefully, Commander. You’ll be expelled from the Order. You’ll lose everything,”.

Without Fives, you had nothing left to lose.

You swung.

Krell outmatched you with both speed and power. Each of your attacks was met by his blade. You growled. He parried your strike, landing a blow to your cheek with his fist. Your vision swam.

You were on the defensive now. You blocked two consecutive strikes from Krell’s sabers, grunting as he forced your blade closer and closer to your face. You scrambled for footing.

“It’s disappointing, really,” Krell hummed, his voice alarmingly casual. “Wasted potential,”.

Krell swung his unoccupied fist into the side of your head, the force of the blow carrying you across the room. Your saber clattered to the floor. You reached for your hilt, but just as your fingertips curled around the metal, an invisible hand grabbed you by the throat. Your body lifted from the cold durasteel floor, your toes barely brushing its surface. The pressure around your neck tightened. You clutched at your throat, darkness creeping around the edges of your vision. His eyes locked on yours, golden and eerie.

“You’re…Sith,” you choked out.

Krell chuckled.

“Not quite, my dear Commander,”.

Krell’s sneer was the last thing you saw before your vision went dark. You dropped to the floor.

Krell sighed, waving open the command center door. He motioned for the troopers to re-enter before gesturing at your unconscious body with another uninterested wave of his hand.

“Take them to the brig,”.

***

Fives walked to his execution with his head held high. He joked with Jesse, hoping to ease his brother’s mind as they marched towards their uncertain fate. He tried to be strong. All he could think about was you.

Two soldiers had carried you into the brig, placing you gently into your cell just as Fives was led out of the room. He caught a glimpse of your face before he left—you were bruised and unconscious. What had you done? What had Krell done? The markings on your face could not have been left by a Jedi.

As his closest brothers marched in with their blasters, his heart ached. He couldn't meet his end this way. Not while you and his brothers were still in danger. He needed to do something, and he needed to do it quickly. To save his brothers. To save you.

Dogma asked if he’d like to be blindfolded.

Reality sunk in. It was now or never.

They aimed. Fives spoke.

“Wait! This is wrong. And we all know it. The general is making a mistake, and he needs to be called on it. No clone should have to go out this way—we are loyal soldiers, we follow orders, but we are not a bunch of unthinking droids. We are men. We must be trusted to make the right decisions, especially when the orders we are given are wrong,”.

Fives sucked in a breath, hoping his words were enough.

“Fire!”

Not a single shot met its target. Fives breathed a sigh of relief.

As he and Jesse walked back to the brig, the question of his fate as well as yours still plagued him. He was sure you had ignored Krell’s warning not to question his orders—that must have been why you were so bruised and battered. Fives’s real question was why Krell had left you in such a brutalized state. No Jedi would have been so physically cruel. Fives’s blood boiled.

He re-entered his cell, curling up against the left wall. He could see your unconscious form in the cell next to him. He made careful note of every visible bruise and scrape on your body. Your neck was beginning to shade a deep purple color, and you sported a black eye. Each little mark fueled the fire of Fives’s anger tenfold. Krell needed to pay. To think that the man had even touched you, let alone battered you in such away, was enough to burn at Fives’s chest. He needed revenge. He spent the next few hours carefully monitoring your breathing, wishing he could reach out to touch you through the ray shield, wishing he could offer you the same comfort you always gave to him.

When Rex reappeared hours later, explaining that the era of Krell’s leadership had reached its end, Fives jumped at the chance to bring him in. With each new sliver of information Rex shared with him, Fives felt his anger at the besalisk grow. The so-called Jedi had targeted the two people he had cared about most—you and his brothers. As he checked his weapon and strapped on his armor, his expression set into a steely glare. Krell wouldn’t live to destroy any more lives—Fives would make sure of it.

***

The trees rustled with blaster fire and movement. Krell was everywhere. Fives heard the screams of his brothers over the comm—he took each one to heart. He would be ready.

“Steady your weapons—he’s headed our way,” Rex called.

Fives locked in his scope.

The general emerged in a blur of brightly lit plasma. Fives fired. Each shot was easily deflected by the Jedi, his twirling sabers redirecting the bolts effortlessly. Fives growled.

The general switched off his sabers, as if taking on the platoon with his lightsabers was far too easy. His back was to Fives—Krell grabbed a nearby trooper from his cover, flinging the man into the air. Fives saw his chance.

“What are you doing?” Rex hissed. Fives paid him no mind.

He fired five rapid shots at the general’s back. Only one managed to glance off the besalisk’s thick skin. Fives charged forward, swinging his blaster into Krell’s head with all his might. On his next swing, Krell knocked the blaster from his hand with a mere wave of his arm.

So that was how he wanted to play.

Fives readied his fists, throwing and landing three consecutive punches. The besalisk doubled over on the third, caught off guard by the strength of the blow. Fives grinned from under the helmet.

“A taste of your own medicine, yeah?”

Krell rose to his full height, allowing the remark to roll off his back. He lifted Fives off the ground with an invisible hand, before tossing him unceremoniously into the trunk of a nearby tree.

Feeble clones.

Fives hauled himself up from the ground slowly, his head pounding from the collision. Krell was nowhere to be seen. Fives scanned his surroundings—none of his brothers were visible, either. Had he been knocked unconscious? He listened for blaster fire, but none could be heard. He felt around the darkened forest floor, his hand closing around the shaft of his rifle.

A voice echoed to his left.

Fives ran towards the noise. He could barely make out the sight before him through the thick Umbaran fog. His brothers had gathered in a semi-circle around the still form of the former General. He ran faster, stopping when he reached Krell’s body and sucking in a deep breath.

“I stunned him, sir,” Tup explained.

“Nice work, Tup,” Rex praised.

Fives nudged the general with the nose of his rifle. His finger itched at the trigger. Rex pulled at his arm.

“Ease up, Fives. We got him,”.

Fives exhaled slowly, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Yeah, we got him alright,”.

***

You woke up in medbay, your head aching and throat throbbing. You were thirsty. You tried to speak, but your voice came out in a warble. You flexed your hand, realizing it was encased in something warm. You squeezed.

Fives jolted upright. Both his hands encased yours, and his eyes widened.

“You’re awake—are you alright? Do you need anything?”

You smiled, realizing he had fallen asleep holding your hand. Your smile quickly faded when you remembered what had happened that brought you here. Your heart seized.

“K-Krell—” You managed, the words scraping at your throat.

Fives smiled softly.

“Me ‘n the boys took care of him—he’s gone. You’re okay. We’re okay,”.

You nodded as he brought your palm to his lips, kissing it gently before resting it back in your lap. He fell silent.

Your eyes glanced over his weary expression. The lines on his face had grown into canyons in two short days. You hummed, words catching in your raw throat.

“Are you alright?” you croaked.

Fives shook his head, glancing up at the ceiling before looking back down at you.

“I almost lost you, ner kar’ta. Lost a lot of good men, too. Too many men,”.

You nodded, your chest aching at the emotion in his voice. You held out your arms. He collapsed into you, mindful of your new bruises.

The guilt of so much loss was eating at him. It broke your heart. You held him tight against your chest as he murmured an apology into your skin.

#arc trooper fives #arc trooper fives x reader #fives #fives x reader #fives x you #arc trooper jesse #clone trooper tup #captain rex #clone trooper x reader #the 501st #anakin skywalker #pong krell #my fic

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softyoongiionly · 4 years

Text

Will You Make a Mess Now?

Jungkook’s never been touched before and, after a hectic end to his semester, he thinks he wants that to change...

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Virgin! Jungkook, established relationship au, college au, smut, fluff.

Word Count: 4.7k

A/N: HELLO YES I MISSED YOU. Guys, I swear i’m working on updating my series (plural) but, I’ve been out of writing for a while and, I needed something to get me back in the groove. What better way than to continue to affirm that my love for Jungkook is unavoidable and, unstoppable. i love youuuuu. This is unedited for now, please forgive any mistakes, I was too excited.

Warnings: smut, language, 18+ only please.

After 4 grueling months of relentless studying and lectures, you can finally say that your second to last semester of university is finally over.

Finals week is still at the entrance of your subconscious as its literally all you’ve been able to think about for quite some time. You haven’t been able to unwind or see your friends and, if you’re being honest, you don’t remember the last time you actually slept for more than four hours at a time.

The good news is…

All of that is now behind you.

The exams have been taken, the textbooks have been returned or re-sold, the mountain of instant meals have been cleared from your kitchen (for now) and, you are currently on the subway headed to celebrate with the only person in the world that could properly bring you out of your post-exam haze:

Your boyfriend, Jungkook.

Jungkook is a kinesiology major, whom you met in one of your labs nearly two years ago. The two of you were friends for a long time before you finally got up the courage to kiss him at a party 5 months ago. And by courage, you mean you had a little too much to drink and, Jungkook looked way too good in his university crew neck so, you awkwardly leaned in to kiss him and he, being the absolute angel he is, pecked you on the lips before explaining to you that he wouldn’t kiss you properly until you were sober.

The next day, you woke up in his bed, alone. Your first response was to panic but, upon slowly sitting up in his sheets, you find Jungkook curled up on the floor amongst a pile of blankets. After a few slightly uncomfortable conversations, the two of you arranged a date and, started…you know…falling in love

Or whatever…

Fun fact: Given the fact that you’ve only been with Jungkook for a few months, the two of you have yet to be intimate. Jungkook stated early on that he wanted to take things slowly and, of course you were more than ok with that.

He’s been more and more comfortable with heavier petting so to speak as of lately but, the farthest you’ve ever gone was having his hand down your panties, and your hand over the seam of his jeans. And you’re fine with the progression of your sex life with Jungkook but, he’s only ever made you cum before and, every time you try and return the favor he politely declines.

“It’s ok, I just wanted you to finish jagi…”

“I’m ok, don’t worry, it will go down soon. Do you feel good though? Did I do it right?”

“Soon baby, I promise, it’s just not the right time yet.”

Once again, you’d never push him into something he didn’t want to do but, you were slightly confused as to why he never wanted you to reciprocate.

Jungkook is quite frankly the best boyfriend in the entire world. He’s all of the cheesy stuff and, more. Things have been progressing slowly but, you didn’t mind. Whatever you have with him, it feels real.

And to be completely honest, you miss him so much that it’s starting to really get to you.

20 minutes later and, you’re in front his place and sending a quick text to let him know you’ve arrived.

You: I’m outside

You: please save me, it’s freezing :’’’(

Not even a full minute goes by before you hear the fumbling of the lock and, you quickly prepare yourself to latch onto your boyfriend like a freaking spidermonkey.

It’s been almost a month since you’ve seen him face to face so, you can imagine your confusion (and disappointment) when you’re met with the face of his older brother instead.

“Hey,” Namjoon’s dimpled smile is a sight for sore eyes but, it does nothing to wane your confusion, “Kook is passed out upstairs but, he told me earlier to be on the lookout for you in case he fell asleep, which he did.”

A smile is passed to Namjoon as he holds the door open for you, “Of course he did, thanks Joon, is it just you guys right now?”

Jungkook has six brothers and, they all live under the same roof, so the rent is split in seven equal parts.

It’s the only way for them to afford a house off campus.

“Nah Jin and Tae are upstairs too, everyone else is out.” He murmurs and, its then you notice the dark circles decorating the space beneath his eyes.

“Gotcha, are you excited to be done with finals? I feel like I could sleep for 15 years…” You jest, nudging him gently, knowing full well that Namjoon was feeling the same sense of exhaustion you were.

He chuckles and nods immediately, walking with you to the bottom of the stairs, eyes flitting eagerly towards his bedroom.

“That is literally my plan for the rest of the day. I have an adjustment on my project and, after I get that submitted, I’m falling asleep and not talking to anyone for at least 24 hours.” He declares, the seriousness in his tone causing you to giggle.

“I’ll make sure to thwart any of the guys that try to fuck with your beauty sleep…” You vow, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re one of the good ones Y/N…” He laughs, jerking his chin towards Jungkook’s door, “he’s missed you a lot.”

Namjoon’s response is unexpected and it warms you from the inside out.

“Yeah? Did he say something to you?”

You feel like you’re in middle school again, attempting to figure out if your crush likes you.

“He was whining about it the other day, he’s really into you.” Namjoon smirks, before sending a pointed look your way, “don’t tell him I told you that though, he’d kill me.”

The smile on your face probably looks a little ridiculous but, you don’t care, you’re only concern is getting up these stairs and into your boyfriend’s bed.

“I wouldn’t want to expose you for breaking the bro-code.” You return his smirk, passing him to ascend the staircase, “Get some rest, thank you for letting me in.”

“You got it. Have a good night.” Namjoon disappears behind his bedroom door rather quickly, eager to pass out and, you suddenly feel your heartrate increase as you grow closer to Jungkook’s room.

You really did miss him and, the urge to jump into his arms is stronger than you’d like to admit.

Especially given that you know he’s asleep and, you’d have to wait for him to wake up. And you would, cause you know, he deserves to sleep as long as he wants.

You’re not certain that you won’t fall asleep with him.

The door to his room is opened carefully and quietly and, shut just the same.

His bedroom is almost too dark due to the blackout curtains that hung over his windows; a birthday present from his brother Yoongi, they are his new favorite thing.

Jungkook must have shut them in a haste however because, there is a tiny sliver of light shining through which thankfully provides you with a clear path way to his bed.

Soft snores emit from the pillow closest to the windows and, all you can see is Jungkook’s mop of black hair peeking out from underneath his covers. The hum of his noise machine is a comforting sound and, paired with the woodsy vapors coming from his diffuser (a gift from Namjoon), you could feel the sleepiness beginning to tug at your body.

With your overnight bag placed on Jungkook’s gaming chair, you make your way to his bed and slowly peel the covers back.

Oh-

Despite the fact that it’s freezing outside, your boyfriend has unfortunately decided to sleep shirtless, his toned body clad only in his favorite grey sweatpants and, a pair of black socks.

He looks like a god but, you know, that’s totally fine and, not at all distracting.

His brows are furrowed in deep sleep, his cherry lips formed into a slight pout, snores still rumbling deep within his chest. One of his arms is bent at the elbow and, tucked firmly underneath his pillow, his other arm stretched out across the expanse of his bed.

Which of course, poses an issue for you since you don’t want to disturb his sleep but, you want nothing more than to snuggle up to him.

(forever)

Jungkook is a pretty heavy sleeper so, the likelihood of waking him is pretty slim and even if you do, you can at least take comfort in the fact that he’s expecting you.

So you slowly lift his arm, quickly tucking yourself into the warmth of his bed and, move the covers back to their original position. It isn’t super comfortable but, you’re afraid to move anymore in fear of waking him up.

Your hands absentmindedly trail over his forearms, admiring the warm, caramel undertones in his skin and, the veins which protrude gently underneath the surface.

His hand is still covered in the temporary tattoos he got nearly two months ago.

Being the Virgo that he is, Jungkook wanted to insure he liked the chosen designs before deciding to get the real thing. You certainly aren’t complaining but, you are secretly hoping he decides to keep them.

Jungkook and tattoos: a lethal combination.

You lay like this for awhile, admiring your boyfriend, listening to the various white noises echoing off the walls, enjoying the scent of his freshly washed sheets.

He washes his bedding once a week.

Sure enough, you feel your lids grow heavier and heavier, the temptation of sleep growing ever so slightly at the back of your mind.

However, Jungkook’s hand twitches at your side and, you feel movement beside you, causing your head to tilt in his direction.

You’re met with a sleepy smile and, a gaze so endearing, you might just die right then and there.

“You’re here…” He murmurs, voice raspy and decorated with sleep.

It doesn’t take you long to get closer to him, his free arm not leaving your body in order to hug you against his bare chest.

“I’m here…” You answer, a smile in your voice, pursing your lips to place kisses on his skin.

Jungkook smiles properly now but, you don’t see it, your face tucked firmly into his neck.

He’s so happy you’re here.

His arm moves out from underneath his pillow to envelope you completely, shy lips pressing a few kisses to the top of your head as he shifts onto his back, taking you with him.

“Missed you..” He mumbles almost, coy and unsure but, genuine.

As he usually is.

A smile erupts on your mouth now, as you look up to face him and, for whatever reason you’re overcome with the need to feel his lips against yours. So you do just that and, secure your mouth to his, letting a deep breath out through your nose. His quick too, big hands sliding down your back to hold onto your hips.

“Missed you more” You whisper against his lips, a little breathless from the depth of the kiss you’ve just shared.

His nose wrinkles in disgust as he shakes his head, leaning in to kiss you again, “No…me…”

The childish nature of his response makes you giggle, accepting another kiss eagerly.

“If you missed me so much, why did you make Namjoon let me in hm?” You tease, still kissing at his mouth, one of your hands sliding over his ribcage.

He nibbles at your lip in retaliation, a slight smirk on his mouth, “Cause I was tired and, you were taking forever…”

Jungkook chuckles at his own whining and, you follow suit whilst shaking your head in disbelief.

“You’re only further proving my point, I rode the silver line to get here, just because it was faster and, I walked through the cold just so I could see your stupid face…”

By stupid, you mean beautiful but like, he doesn’t need to know that.

Jungkook laughs harder this time, its higher pitched and more genuine, his hands that are on your hips squeeze in retaliation.

“My face isn’t stupid….you’re stupid…” He chuckles, teasing you because, its one of his many ways of coping with how he feels for you.

Before you can respond, he kisses you again, your comeback dying in the back of your throat as your hand comes up to rest against his cheek.

The two of you can’t stop smiling and, giggling as you indulge one another, ignoring the clumsy way your lips connect.

“You look so beautiful like this…comfy…” He adds, his tone taking on a shyer tone as he nudges your nose, eyes half open, “I really did miss you jagiya…”

His words send emotion careening into your chest and, you can’t help the way your lips respond more eagerly against his.

“You make comfy look like a Calvin Klein campaign…” You retort before adding, “I missed you too. You’re staying home this winter too right?”

It’s a rarity for both of you stay on campus during winter break but, this year your families had decided to come to you.

He nods, eyes still soft as he tucks your hair behind your ear, lips pouted that you stopped kissing him for a moment, “Mhm…we’ll be here together…”

Jungkook has his moods like most people do but, there is a certain way he gets that you swear he reserves only for you. Being the youngest of seven boys, he’s used to being the source of a lot of banter and, teasing so, being with you is no exception but, recently he’s been getting softer and softer.

Sweeter and sweeter…

And you’re not complaining…

“We will.” You affirm, pecking his lips again, “we can go on all those dates we’ve been promising eachother.”

He nods, pulling the duvet up higher over the two of you, “Yeah, I have a lot of ideas but, I want to hear your ideas too…but I’m excited for mine…”

Another giggle leaves your lips at his almost jovial tone, his competiveness sneaking through a bit.

“I’m happy I get to spend the night with you more, you keep me warm.” You hum, delighting in the fact that Jungkook blushes at your statement.

“I keep you warm?” He checks, securing his teeth to his bottom lip, nibbling on it nervously.

With a nod of your head, you snuggle into his body, taking in the scent that was uniquely Jungkook: woodsy and clean, free of any harshness.

“So warm.” You whisper against his neck, pressing a gentle kiss there.

Though, as gentle as the kiss was, it doesn’t stop Jungkook from immediately plumping up from within the confines of his sweatpants. His neck is his weak spot.

You don’t feel him yet but, you do notice a reaction from him: his head tilts back ever so slightly, feet rubbing together at the end of the bed. The teasing words stay trapped in your throat as you decide to push your luck and, kiss him there again, letting your lips linger longer than before.

He doesn’t stop you when you place a third kiss into the sweet spot on his neck, or a fourth or a fifth but, soon enough he feels his dick filling out the empty space in his sweat pants, the sensation of your lips beginning to get to him.

“Jagiya?” He croons into the darkness of the room whilst his heart beats wildly in his chest, his hands sort of fidgeting against your hips.

“Hm?” You hum, kissing up his neck towards his lips, “Are you ok?”

He isn’t, he’s hard and, there is four months of stress sitting on his shoulders that he is certain your lips will melt away but, he’s so nervous.

“Uh…I’m…” He stutters for the right words but, you already know what he’s trying to say because, you can feel him now, pressing into your hip.

“Do you want me to stop?” You place a gentle kiss to his stuttering mouth, wanting to check with him before you continue.

“No…yes, shit I-“ He looks torn, glancing down towards his dick before looking back at you, “I don’t know jagi, I’m sorry…”

Immediately, you shake your head, pulling back to look at him, “Hey…hey it’s ok, you have nothing to be sorry for ok? We don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. I should have asked you if it was ok to kiss you there…”

He shakes his head now, pulling you closer, “You didn’t do anything wrong, I want you to kiss me and…touch me, I just wish I wasn’t so…” He sighs, biting his lip, dark eyes flitting nervously around, “I’ve just never…let anyone make me cum before…”

You have to admit, this shocks you.

Jungkook was obviously a campus heartthrob, literally everyone had a crush on him, even the Dean and, while you didn’t think that made him into some kind of Casanova, you had been certain that he had some sexual experience before meeting you.

But clearly, you were wrong.

Reaching out to touch his cheek, you pull his gaze back to yours, “There’s nothing wrong with that babe. We all do things at our own pace. The two of us have all the time in the world, you can wait as long as you need to…”

His fingers curl slightly against your hips, shifting you until your sitting in his lap, causing you to ignore the way his length feels pressing into your core. A deep breath is needed but, it doesn’t last long because, Jungkook speaks again, surprising you.

“Noona I-“ He kisses you again, trying to focus on anything other than his throbbing dick, “I don’t want to wait anymore though…I’m just really nervous.”

It hits you like a ton of bricks but, you remain focused, allowing him to take all of the time he needs.

“That’s ok, it’s ok to be nervous.” You assure him gently, kissing between his eyes, “Can I ask what you’re nervous about?”

“I just don’t know what it’s going to be like and, I don’t know…my hyungs say it feels amazing but, I don’t want to do the wrong thing or what if you use your mouth and, it tastes bad or something, fuck I sound really dumb, I swear…I’m ….”

You cut him off with a gentle kiss to his forehead, smiling fondly into his skin as your hands come up to rub tenderly at his back.

“Slow down for me baby.” You whisper and, the words along with your touch are enough to calm him slightly, “you say you don’t want to wait right? So, what would you be comfortable with us doing right now? It doesn’t have to be all at once, we can take things slow.”

His fingers explore the skin on your hips, as he wears a nervous but eager expression, “I don’t want our first time to be…here or like…after all of this. I don’t think I’m ready for the way you’ll make me feel, I can barely hang on when you’re sitting on me like this but, I…”

His eyes flit down to your center for a moment, as if the thought of being inside of you overwhelms him. He looks back up at you, lips swollen from all of the kiss, his timid expression tainted with lust.

“I wanna feel what it’s like to have someone touch me…I want you to touch me really bad.”

The world could be ending beyond Jungkook’s blackout curtains and, it still wouldn’t be enough to stop you from honoring his request.

Your finger tilts his chin towards your lips, “I want to touch you too. Can I touch you right now?”

He nods immediately, swallowing around a dry throat and an unsteady heartbeat. To soothe himself, he kisses you again before, nudging your nose playfully, trying to ease the tension he feels.

“Ok, I’m going to get behind you alright?”

Your response confuses him and, you can tell but, you know he’ll catch on soon enough. He leans forward, allowing you sit directly behind him, your legs on either side of his silhouette, your body encircling him with your warmth.

“Lean back against me…” You whisper in his ear, causing him to shiver as he obliges, his bare back now flush against your chest. “Comfy?’

He chuckles, his cheeks on fire at the position you’re both in but, he nods none the less, his hands moving to the outsides of his thighs and, then to tops of your knees, rubbing the skin there.

“Now, I want you to show me how you touch yourself ok? So I can see what you like and, then, whenever you’re ready, I’ll touch you.” You explain gently, kissing around the shell of his ear, your hands coming to brush over his hips.

Jungkook already feels like he could cum, he just can’t believe you’re about to touch him.

He has no idea what to expect.

“Ok…” He tilts his lips to mumble against your mouth, his tone boyish and jovial, “ You promise you won’t laugh right?”

At his question you giggle, kissing him and shaking your head, “Of course I’m not going to laugh babe, I’m here to make you feel good.”

He chuckles too, relishing in the way you make him feel: comfortable and comforted.

“OK, I’ll uh…I’ll start now…” He whispers, his shaky and quite frankly clammy hand leaves your knee and, slowly travels to the band of his sweatpants, tucking underneath for a moment before bringing his dick out from it’s confines.

It’s bigger than you anticipated and, as hot as any dick can be. Swollen and curving slightly at the reddened tip, it makes your mouth water; literally every inch of your boyfriend is beautiful.

Jungkook takes a shaky breath in through his nose as he encircles a hand around his length, squeezing tentatively right underneath the tip, the sensation makes his head spin.

He stays silent as he finds a rhythm his comfortable with and, you admire the way his toned stomach trembles with his own ministrations. You take note that he pays careful attention to his frenulum, his thumb rubbing over it continuously as he strokes himself.

After a few moments, you start pressing kisses into his neck, allowing your hands to wander over his hips, tracing patterns into his skin.

“Jagi…I-“ He mutters before his words catch on the softest moan, the sound of course caused by you nibbling on his neck, “You’re making it so good for me…”

He sounds helpless, like he knows that you touching him is going to ruin him because, you touching on him whilst he jacks off is already fucking him up.

“Yeah? It feels good?” You reaffirm before sucking gently on his sweetspot, a motion that causes his hand to stall right underneath his tip, his head falling back against you.

“Mhm…” He hums and, if he wasn’t reigning it in, he would be whining but, he stops himself, trying to gain some sense, “Do you know how to touch me now?”

He’s starting to feel impatient, because he knows the way your hands feel on him now and, his dick is so hard he feels like he could burst.

You smirk fondly against his neck as you nod slowly, your hand trailing over his wrist which is still working on his length, “Are you ready?”

“Yes…” He answers immediately, letting his hand fall to the side, his eyes closing tightly as he prepares himself for your touch.

“Just relax for me ok? I’m going to make you feel so good.” You coo into his ear before slowly resuming the touch on Jungkooks length.

At the first squeeze of your hand, he’s quite certain he has never felt more pleasure in his entire life, as you slowly drag your fist up his aching dick, his mouth falls open in complete awe but, when you begin the same rhythm he had just performed on himself, Jungkook swears his going to melt into a puddle on the bed.

“Oh-“ He huffs, his eyes popping open to zero in on your hand because, watching you touch him is enough to fill up his spank bank for the rest of the year. “Oh my god…Noona…you’re touching me…”

He’s in disbelief. In 22 years, his never let anyone touch him like this before and, although he can’t believe he ever lived without it, he’s glad it was you who touched him first.

“Mhm…” You hum in his ear, kissing gently on the side of his face, “Does it feel good baby?”

As your thumb repeats his early movements, his brown eyes roll to the back of his head, his adams apple jumping around his throat as he swallows.

“I can’t…feel anything else but, your hand on my dick I-oh my fucking god…” He whimpers, his eyes popping open again to watch your pace increase.

His words surprise you, he’s never been so vulgar before and, now you know why but, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to hear more.

“Nothing else huh? Do you think you’re gonna cum for me baby?” You’re egging him on, wanting him to cum his brains out for you.

You gotta make a good first impression after all…

He nods, his hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, his abs trembling even more so with your motions, his toes curling painfully against the sheets.

“Yeah…really soon…for you..” He gets out, not thinking clearly enough to form full sentences.

“Yeah? What if I went a little faster hm? Would that do the trick baby? Will you make a mess now?”

Oh he’s fuck now.

As your pace increases on him, you focus more attention on his throbbing tip, pulling and squeezing him to the point of no return. Jungkook feels nothing but, pleasure as he starts to rock his hips up into your touch.

“I’m gonna cum…I’m gonna cum…oh my god you’re so good…” He mutters before a whimper takes over his speech, eyes squeezing shut as his head falls back against you once more, “fuck….thank you Noona…god thank you so much…”

Those are his last words before his release comes, the sweltering pleasure consuming his entire being, starting up from his balls and, shooting up his length. Jungkook knows in his heart he’s never cum so hard in his life. Nothing could ever compare to the way you make him feel.

“There you go…let it out baby…” You whisper, kissing at his cheeks as you stroke him through his release.

Once his hips begin to twitch with sensitivity, you slow your pace on him, easing off his dick.

Jungkook’s breathing his erratic and, he feels drunk off of the pleasure he’s just received but, he knows for a fact that he came all over himself and, all over your hand.

You wait for him to open his eyes so, he can watch you lick his release from your fingers, taking time to show him the skills of yours he’s yet to experience.

“holy shit…” He mutters, eyes completely glazed over before leaning in and capturing your lips between his and, kissing you with everything he has.

You giggle against his lips before, squealing unceremoniously into the kiss as Jungkook turns quickly in your grip, falling back towards the foot of the bed and, taking you with him. He just chuckles, kissing you harder as he lets his hands run a little more freely over your body.

“I’m guessing you liked it?” You tease into the kiss before he leans back, his expression completely offended.

“Liked it? You’re guessing I liked it???” He blazes dubiously before, pinching your sides and, suddenly leaning into kiss all over your face, nibbling on your cheeks, “You almost made me cry…”

“You cry all the time…” You point out, pinching his side back, causing him to gasp in mock horror.

“Shut upppp…” He whines, smirking as he tucks his face into your neck, nibbling on the skin again and, while it seems innocent, soon enough Jungkook’s nibbling turns into kissing and, his playful touch on your hips turns to caressing.

“Noona?” His tone has shifted lower, it shoots straight down to your core.

“Yeah?” You breathe, eyes shut against the sensation of his lips.

“Will you make a mess now?”

7K notes · View notes

a-lil-bi-furious · 3 years

Note

Scisaac :D

oof, thank you for this ask, and I am so sorry this took so long to respond. It’s finals season and I grossly underestimated how much I have to do 😅 But here it is, in all it's (hopefully understandable) rambling glory: Scisaac

*aggressively hits ship button*

1) What made you ship it?

I’ve been on the Scisaac train for a looooong time now. When I was first watching Teen Wolf, during my own very teen-y but non-wolfy years, I don’t think I actually started to ship them until a bit into 3A. When I re-watched the show, though, that scene in the club with “No, I mean you. I don’t want you to get hurt.” had me as done for as Isaac. (There’s this lovely gif set someone made, too, that’s just a close up on their hands during the syringe hand-off, and all the subtle, soft finger brushing makes me go feral.) Anyway, that scene was the shipping spark, but it wasn’t really what established Scisaac as an important relationship to me.

For me, the scene in the clinic with the dog (in 2x11 “Battlefield”) is what really cemented that. It’s funny, because this scene really isn’t a shipping scene, right? This is a learning moment which focuses more on resident-mentor Alan Deaton extending to Isaac the opportunity to learn how to use his abilities for something other than anger and power. And I love it so much for that! But the interaction between Scott and Isaac makes me weak. Because you’ve got Isaac--this jaded, abused kid who holds a lot of resentment and fear and accepted the bite, most likely, to feel like he had some modicum of control in his life and the strength to not feel helpless anymore, and in the end externalized all of that rage--experiencing this moment of raw vulnerability with two people who, by all counts, should want nothing to do with him. And we can talk about how that moment in the club was probably one of the first times anyone has shown genuine concern for Isaac’s well-being (and how this act of kindness was coming from someone he’s been hostile to) in who knows how long, but what about the first moment Isaac acts in compassion and tenderness? How long has it been since he considered himself capable of feeling something that wasn’t pain, fear, or that deep seated fury which swallows everything else? How long has it been since Isaac knew any language other than violence? For a moment he’s cracked open and everything is overwhelming and rather than using his hands as weapon and shield, he’s using them to heal. He cries, and for a moment he’s even startled--maybe scared. And what does Scott do? He immediately offers a point of connection and consolation (“It’s okay, I cried the first time he showed me, too.”)

Scott has this heart which is (sometimes dangerously) open and exposed. He cares and he believes so deeply in humanity and goodness that even when he’s spent weeks(?) fighting Isaac, distrusting Isaac, he’s also been worrying about Isaac. And the way Scott acts in this scene is so soft and curious as he’s standing by, watching. It’s like he’s just been waiting for Isaac to let his guard down just enough to step outside of what Derek’s been teaching him (about anger and control, just like he did Scott). And he gets this tiny little smile on his face as he watches it happen, because I can imagine he knows almost exactly how Isaac is feeling. Scott presents it differently and he often buries it down, but he’s angry too. All the time, at so many things, but he chooses to channel his energy into helping other people. And seeing Isaac, who up until this moment has mostly shown animosity and apathy, brought to tears when he learns he can take pain from others just proves to Scott that the tenderness pays off, that caring heals. Everyone is capable of kindness if they choose it, and to watch Isaac open himself up a little bit to that option--one that hasn’t been available to him for a long time--is incredibly rewarding. It just was such a warm, vulnerable, and genuine exchange between all three of them, and given how closed off Isaac is it was a significant indicator of the safety he was starting to feel around Scott.

2) What are your favorite things about the ship?

re: above, my favorite thing about this ship is how tender and vulnerable each of them can be with the other (in their own ways) and how they challenge each other in ways they both really need. Scott encourages Isaac to turn away from aggression as a solution and to focus more on others, on compassionate and peaceful forms of resolution. (It’s uhhh....a work in progress.) Scott softens Isaac in a way I think he really needs. Conversely, Isaac challenges Scott in ways he really needs. Isaac encourages him to place more focus on himself and actually attend to his needs. And also? I just think they would have fun, because Isaac = trouble and Scott 100% enjoys shenanigans more than he acts like he does. He’s a little shit at heart, and I’m here for Isaac encouraging that.

Also, I think their relationship has a good balance because they’re very different people, but I think that they have some points of relation that run deep in ways many people wouldn’t understand. For one thing, I think that Scott has a foundation of understanding for Isaac’s experience of childhood abuse and how this informs his behavior. This is entirely up to interpretation because the show never specified beyond the time Rafael accidentally(?) pushed Scott down the stairs, but even if Scott didn’t experience physical abuse outside of this incident, it’s pretty clear that Rafael is an angry, violent drunk and that the relationship in that home was toxic and (judging by his interactions with Scott and Melissa) likely emotionally abusive. It probably wasn’t always that way; it wasn’t always that way for Isaac either. The abuse that Isaac endured was different and more severe (at least in a physical sense), and whereas Scott’s dad left when he was ten, Isaac was stuck with his dad until the kanima killed him. But I think that experience of living in a home that doesn’t feel safe is something they both share. Isaac’s initial reaction seems to be to run away or retreat when he’s unsafe, but Scott’s is to make it a safe place. I could ramble on and on, but what I’m getting at is just that I think even with extremely different personalities and ideologies, they’d be able to understand each other in very specific, personal ways and help each other cope. I’m also a huge sucker for the fact that Isaac showed up on the McCall’s doorstep and that Scott’s home literally became his home--but, really, Scott became his home. And rather than run or hide when things are scary, he defends his home now (metaphorical and physical) and keeps building it up again. (And yeah, sometimes defense means beating a guy he already hated senseless over Scott not healing and then Scott probably being less than pleased about it, but it’s a learning curve okay?)

3) Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

I’m not sure what the general opinions are on this ship, especially now. But the most unpopular opinion I probably have is about Isaac’s temperament. A lot of people have a tendency to kind of take aforementioned softness and turn Isaac into a very gentle, sweet, puppy-like character, which I just don’t think is realistic. Really and truly, Isaac’s a sarcastic asshole with anger issues and not a whole lot of tact. And, though I tend to think he softens up quite a bit with Scott, I don’t think that changes the nature of his behavior, if that makes sense? I actually think part of the reason Isaac is a good match for Scott in the first place is because he’s this way. Scott has a tendency to ignore his own needs, which often means his wellbeing suffers. Isaac’s the kind of person to point out the bullshit, no sugar-coating, and stubbornly counter Scott’s attempts to excuse his own self-neglect at every turn. Isaac is loyal and caring, yes, but he’s pushy and aggressive about it. And I honestly think Scott needs a partner who won’t put up with his self-sacrifice; he needs someone who’s going to be persistent, because Scott also tends to be pretty obstinate.

In conclusion, I love them your honor.

(Send me a ship and I’ll ramble about why I do/don’t ship it!)

#ty again for the ask friend <3 #spikeface #Teen Wolf #Scisaac #Scott McCall #Isaac Lahey #Ask games #To the other ppl w asks I *will* answer them i promise...just working on an academic paper too so it'll be a bit

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