#but I’ll die on this hill - not that I can stop one of those shit heels from

[lovers-tucked-into-a-quiet-cafe]

Chapter 6 [IKYLHT]

~2.5k Words | Series Masterlist | Prev | Next Chapter [Coming Soon]

-

Brushing the last of the water droplets off your arm, you fling the remnants of your shower towards the sleeping giants you call your partners.

“Johnny, Simon.”

The men peak their eyes open, letting out a hum of acknowledgement.

“I’m done showering. Up up, let’s go.”

You move to slip on your boots, lacing up as Soap complains.

“C’mon, Bun. We’ve got plenty of time. Lay down for a bit.”

He reaches his arms out, making grabby hands and scooting towards the far edge of the bed.

Ghost pats the space in the middle, shifting over as best he can on the mattress. Their bodies dwarf the bed in comparison.

“We’re not gonna fit, Johnny.” You laugh out, hands measuring the gap between the men against the width of your hips. 

“C’mon now, we’re gonna be late. If we miss the flight, Price is sticking us on a commercial flight. You know he won’t pay for upgrades.”

He looks towards the small space, resting his arms over his stomach and giving a small shrug with his signature smile.

“It’ll be fine, I promise.”

“No John! I’m not letting you win this one. We really can’t be late, let’s go.”

Shrugging once more, he sighs out with a semi-smug tone.

“Can’t force ya’ to rest. We’ll take ten more minutes, then.” He rolls over, nuzzling into Simon. 

His statement takes you by surprise, but you don’t think much of it. He’s acting like a cocky little shit, as he tends to do (a blessing and a curse, really) so you give him the benefit of the doubt that he’d trying to persuade you into napping with them via the ‘calling chicken’ method.

For two soldiers, it was surprisingly effective. Not entirely sure how we still have all ten fingers.

Now normally you’d play along, let him win since it benefits the both of you anyways. But something was just off this morning. Maybe it was the lackluster sleep last night, maybe it was those feelings that carried over being a little more intense than you initially realized. Whatever it was, you didn’t feel like you could just let him win this one. For whatever reason your subconscious had rationalized, this was the hill you’d die on.

“Uhh, Johnny. It's breakfast. We always have breakfast together. Come on, don’t be lazy.” You force out a small laugh. 

He nuzzles a little further into Simon.

“It’s just breakfast, Bun.”

You try to hold the bitterness back as you quietly scoff.

It is just breakfast. 

“Okay. Yeah. Whatever. I’ll just go by myself.”

He hums.

Eyes landing on Simon, you watch his blank stare, both of you completely unmoving. 

You wait for his response- verbal, physical, anything- and huff when you’re met with nothing. 

Fine then.

Practically slamming the door as you stomp out of the room, you turn to walk towards the mess hall but stop no more than three feet into the hallway. 

Looking over your shoulder, you wait.

A few seconds go by.

A few more go by.

Then fifteen.

Then you check the time on your phone, owlishly blink as the number changes.

With a small nod, your eyes shut as you feel the irritation puddle into something akin to grief. 

It’s so much easier being angry, you realize, as you quietly make your way to the mess hall.

Maybe that’s what this is. This new way of being that had suddenly taken hold. 

You’d been angry before- at your parents and their cruelty, at your teachers and their negligence, at the military recruiters, at Barrow, at Graves, at Shepherd, at yourself. 

But this wasn’t anger anymore. This was something else entirely- something that smelled like Santiago’s cologne, something that tasted like his chapstick, something that looked like his empty casket.

It’s dramatic, and you realize that, but you can’t help but feel it.

Something was happening. Maybe it was Johnny’s close-call with Hassan, maybe it was your separation in Las Almas- whatever it was, you couldn’t help but feel cursed.

You’d sworn off having a partner, not to mention one in the military or even worse, on your team.

You’d already felt that pain once. Discovered what it was like to witness your spouse taken from you right before your eyes, all under your command. To watch your comrades, your friends carry his body for miles and miles as you tried to muffle your breakdown, only to leave all six of them in the desert.

I couldn’t carry them all.

Now you’re in the same situation, you’re losing him all over again and he’s not even dead. 

He’s a hall’s length away, napping with a man you so eagerly roped in, a man that was so quick to embrace the two of you in a way you so desperately needed.

He could give the two of you the lives you’d always wanted, he could give you all he has to give.

He could give Johnny everything, something you simultaneously love and absolutely despise him for.

He understands Johnny. Understands him in every way you do and every way you never will. 

You push around the food on your tray until it’s practically inedible, picturing the two men peacefully sleeping in your room as you force away the last realization your mind conjures up.

For the first time since Santiago’s death, you were sitting in the mess hall, alone.

-

Staring at the blinking cursor, you rack your brain on what to reply. The small group chat was mostly empty, save for a few grocery requests, as the three of you almost always communicated in-person or over comms. 

Suds: where’d you go bunny? weren’t in the mess

05:16

Fantasma: 0700 flight. See you on the tarmac.

05:58

Sighing out, you switch from the chat you’d left unanswered for quite some time now, opening the group made specifically for 141-UK. 

Captain Price: CRAF, 0735. Tarmac by 0700. See you soon.

06:00

Kyle ‘Gaz’ Garrick: See ya soon Cap

06:07

Suds: rog :p

06:12

Simon was with Price, evidenced by the flight information being sent at nearly the same time. That meant he wasn’t with Johnny, which meant you wouldn’t have a way to bail yourself out of a conversation with Soap if you ran into him. 

You just weren’t ready- and if there’s one thing good ol’ military therapy ever taught you, it was that you didn’t always have to do things on other people’s timelines.

You type back a quick ‘Affirm’ and slide your phone back into your pocket, watching as the sun begins to splay its golden rays over the outdoor training grounds. 

It’s almost refreshing. Brings you back to simpler times. 

If Johnny was here you’d already be telling him some story from way back in basic, all the shit you’d endured throughout training alongside the small group of friends you’d made early on into Pendleton.

But he’s not here. 

Truthfully, you don’t know where he is. You hadn’t stuck around long enough to find out. You could’ve gone back. Could’ve said something, had him fix all your problems the way he always managed to do. Could’ve let him know how you felt.

But as always, just like Santiago would always tell you, you were self sabotaging. Pushing him away so he couldn’t do it first. Making it your choice. 

It’s not like you don’t know what’s happening. You’re aware of it, probably more now than ever before. 

You know, you just can’t stop. 

Pushing off the wall, you begin to make your way from your position near the far edge of base to the barracks, flinging the last of the orange peels in your hand to the birds. You hadn’t skipped breakfast entirely. You’re still a Marine, after all.

Flying CRAF was always shit- being sardined into cramped seats with a hundred other soldiers awaiting their next orders.

It provided one major upside today, though. 

A chance to work through your thoughts in peace. 

Well… relative peace. He still has to know he fucked up.

Walking back to your room, head held a little higher than before, you knock and unlock the door once more.

This time when you’re greeted with silence, it’s due to their lack of presence. Johnny’s duffle sits on the bed next to yours.

He’s either showering in his accomodation or grabbing a quick breakfast, so you take the opportunity you’ve been given.

Slinging both duffles over each shoulder, you make your way to the tarmac where Price and Gaz stand watching the other soldiers board.

“Captain, Gaz. Good morning.”

Lifting a shoulder and gesturing towards Johnny’s bag, you never cease walking as you continue your small talk, effectively forcing the two into following you onto the aircraft.

Gaz a tad more eager to jump into conversation than Price, he happily chats on with ease as you make your way down the aisle.

The seats are in 2-4-2 formation, and you make a point to set Johnny’s bag- fit with Union Jack and Saltire patches- in the window spot of the two seater in your desired row. 

Gesturing to the four seats on the other side of the aisle, you turn back to Gaz.

“Is here good?”

“Wherever’s fine by me. Cap?” He turns, asking the older man.

“Go ahead.” Price gestures towards the seats with a small shrug.

Gaz puts a foot forward but you slide in front of him before he gets the chance, moving down to the third seat and allowing Gaz, Price, the aisle, then Ghost to fill the space between you and Johnny.

That’ll do.

The seat to your right is empty, and you quietly pray to some higher power it remains that way.

Sliding your duffle under the seat, you turn to Gaz with a smile.

“That’s perfect. I prefer the middle section.”

It’s a half truth, one you don’t feel bad about telling.

You don’t let him get a word in, tapping the book in his hand with your newly regulation-approved painted nails. 

“Whatchya reading, Sarge?”

He flips over the book with a small shrug, scanning his eyes over the synopsis before handing it over with that boyish grin he so often sports. 

“Haven’t looked, to be honest. Mom mentioned she meant to pick up a copy. Figured I’d drop by home before heading back to base.”

“You visit her a lot?”

“Whenever I’ve got the chance, really.” 

You hear him before you see him, Johnny coming down the aisle clear as day in your peripherals. 

You smile back at Gaz, tilt your head a little closer to his.

“The missus isn’t too happy at that, then?”

A light blush dusting over his cheeks, he’s glancing at Johnny, then down at his lap- shaking his head with a bright smile and a small laugh- before letting his charm override his shyness.

“No misses to upset, ma’am.”

“Still just Rabbit, Gaz.”

Catching Johnny’s eye, you smile and give a single nod before angling your body slightly away from him and opening the book Gaz had handed you. 

Your eyes scan the words but they don’t process in your mind, too busy focusing on your peripherals again. 

You see Johnny turn his head, gaze falling on his duffle sitting on the far window chair. You see the way he looks back at you in confusion. Whether he connects the dots or not- it seemed as though he was more confused at what was happening than why- he begins putting his duffle in the overhead, turning to Ghost and gesturing for his. 

Braving a look at Simon, you rake your eyes over his form.

Damn, he looks good. 

He’s wearing a black medical face mask, probably showing you more of his face at one time than you’d ever seen before.

Johnny may have looked him dead in the eye in Las Almas, but you’d chosen to grant the man some semblance of privacy and look away. 

Mentally you piece together the top and bottom portions of his face- try your best to commit it to memory while reminding yourself you’re still mad at him.

Well, sorta. 

Johnny scoots into the window seat, almost clipping his head on the luggage compartment he’d just closed, if not for Simon’s hand padding the collision. 

He turns to you and smiles, you see it by the small squint of his eyes and the way his cheeks rise.

You let a smile grace your lips, a real one, spurred on by the simple fact that he’s so good at this. So good with Johnny, so good with you. 

He motions to the seat in front of him, offering it up, but you give a barely noticeable shake of your head and smile once more. 

I know I’m being unfair. You’re doing everything right. It’s not you I’m mad at, I promise. 

I’m sorry, Si. 

You watch the way his eyes travel between Gaz and Price, then back to you, before he nods his head and lowers into the seat.

That’ll be a serious talk later, you can tell by the blank look he quickly adopted, but at least you have eight hours to avoid that conversation.

A small sigh passing your lips, you shut the book and settle your eyes onto your knees. 

“Boy troubles?” He teases with a small smile, raising a brow knowingly. 

You lean forward to glance at Price- who sits legs spread, arms crossed with his boonie hat tilted and covering his face- and reply to Gaz quietly.

“No. No, we’re all good.”

His smile dips, turning a little more into a grimace.

“Yeah, I’m sure he thinks that. Doesn’t seem like you do, Rabbit.”

Your eyes snap back up to his, eyes squinting slightly. You can’t help but feel defensive for both yourself and Johnny, even if he is right.

He puts his hands up in surrender.

“Forgive me if I’m overstepping, I just mean-”

“No. No, it’s fine.” You glance up at his side profile and barely murmur out, “It’s just… Is it that obvious?”

His eyes shift from semi-playful to empathetic.

“I mean, listen. I hardly know you. But what I do know is you two are attached at the hip. I do know that I’ve never seen Johnny so smitten over anyone. Whatever’s happening now? Water under the bridge once we’re home. Yeah?”

“Yeah” You murmur, the cogs in the machine that is your brain pulling at top speed. “Can’t get anything past you, now, can I?”

He lets out a quiet laugh, that charming smile back once more. 

“Or Price. He just won’t mention it like I will.”

Your own smile returning, you bump your shoulder with his before scooting yourself down your seat and copying Price’s stature.

Gaz does the same, pulling his cap over his eyes and leaning his head back.

Glancing past him, you look towards your boys once more.

Ghost catches your eyes and tilts his head in question. Johnny’s already half passed out, leaning against his shoulder and slowly nodding off.

You smile at Simon, a real, genuine smile, before turning straight once more and closing your eyes.

Shifting your right leg, you quietly inch your boot closer to your duffle under the seat in front of you. 

Shoulders relaxing, you let out a deep breath, tapping your boot against the blue and white Saltire patch twice.

-

<3

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[communistkenobi]

Hi, you tend to have well-thought-out political opinions (I don't always agree with you, but your reading liveblog were the kick in the ass to make me read Orientalism, and you have managed to change my mind more than once), maybe might have a better answer here than me.

Is there an ideological reason that American (b/c it typically is, god help me) left-of-center types love electoralism so much online (and offline too, tbh. College continues to deal new and fun kinds of psychic damage), but only in the context of the general national elections? I so often receive various extensive breakdowns of reasons that I MUST vote for Biden in 2024, but less about the benefits of, like, getting really invested in my city council elections or the school board.

We have so many freaking elections for goddamn everything because the US/Canada are fuck-off huge that it's super easy to argue for the importance of participating in electoralism and instead I (especially recently) see so many people picking the worst hill to die on, that I really struggle to. Well. Understand why.

I’ll speak mostly to Canada since that’s where most of my formal knowledge comes from and also because I live here lol. Also a lot of what I’m talking about is coming from books I’ve read - Still Renovating by Greg Suttor for example is a pretty in depth history of social policy (primarily housing) in Canada, it’s very dry but is useful for this conversation. This is off the dome and not meant as a PSA or anything, it’s my own perspective, if people want sources for what I’m discussing I can go dig those up, but I’m just putting this disclaimer at the top in case this post leaves my circle.

To answer your question, my instinct is that it’s because north american democracy is increasingly necrotic and disconnected from the general public (with the usual list of caveats about how much liberal capitalist democracies have ever been “for the people”). Reading up on social policy in Canada directly post-WWII is pretty bleak when comparing it to today - social housing used to be a robust part of the housing market, people were paid far better and had far more economic security, our healthcare was freshly socialised and invigorated, the promises of the Keynesian welfare state were generally being met (for a predominantly white middle class electorate, of course), and so on. Even conservatives were basically on board with these things in the 60s, at least in Canada, although that obviously did not last long. And over the decades we have become entrenched in neoliberal cutbacks, the gutting of public institutions, the sale of public space and utilities, the downloading of responsibility for social welfare onto provincial and then municipal governments who have smaller budgets and more limited institutional power, the massive expansion in public-private partnerships, the militarisation of the police - these things really kicked off in the 80s/90s in Canada and have showed little signs of stopping or even really slowing down since (something that also obviously happened in the US). People make the joke that if libraries were suggested as a policy goal today it would be called a communist plot, but it’s true - all of the shit the government offered us forty years ago is unthinkable to even suggest now. Life in general has gotten more difficult as private wealth and deregulation has taken a progressively stronger hold on domestic affairs. This happened slowly over the course of decades, and as political horizons shrunk in terms of what you could expect/demand of your government, there was a real air of this being inevitable, not a result of conscious political decisions but just some organic outcome that no one had control over (“the invisible hand of the market”). Democratic civic responsibility demands we vote as citizens of our country, but for all the reasons outlined above plus a bunch of others I’m sure I’m forgetting, the liberal conception of democratic participation shrunk to the ballot box alone.

And while we all joke about everyone having the historical memory of a goldfish, I think the pandemic made this a deeply dissonant position to hold onto - we saw the government seemingly awake from a long slumber to exercise its might. It placed eviction bans on landlords, enforced mass quarantines and social distancing measures, provided economic relief to people who lost their jobs, stationed itself inside every building and public space to enforce mask mandates, rolled-out universal vaccination programs that were mandatory if you wanted to keep your job - we saw the government flex its power in labour, in housing, in healthcare, in civic life, and at the border in a way previously unheard of, particularly for people who were not alive to experience the welfare state of the 50s and 60s and even 70s. The state revealed itself as the life-structuring force it always had been before receding again, telling everyone to go back to normal as if nothing had happened, as if millions of people had not died in a global plague, as if it had not just demonstrated to everyone in the country that the state can at the drop of a hat order your landlord to stop evicting you and your boss to give you paid time off. This of course didn’t really happen in the US, or at least not nearly to this degree, which resulted in the deaths of over a million people.

So now when politicians perform this same incapacity to do anything, when they trot out hyper-specific policies that might benefit a couple thousand people at most, when they make stupid non-promises and shrink away from even mild forms of social democracy (eg Sanders-style campaign promises), I don’t know how much people buy it. I’m not particularly optimistic about the pandemic radicalising large amounts of people, but I think even if it doesn’t, we saw what happened! And we’ve all seen a million fucking articles about how people don’t want to go to work anymore, about labour shortages, we’ve seen essentially every sector of labour go on some kind of strike in the past two or three years - there is popular organised political participation happening far away from the ballot box, and is only growing in power by the day. Socialism is now a word that exists in the national consciousness, something that was unthinkable even a decade ago. Currently right now we are seeing an international conversation about (and global popular support for) indigenous sovereignty, we are seeing a full-throated articulation of what a LandBack policy would look like, and this comes on the heels of the national Canadian conversation of residential schools and missing and murdered indigenous women. Decolonisation is now a household term. In the case of the US, we are seeing people make the very obvious point that America can conjure billions of dollars to bomb hospitals and civilians, but any social policy to help its own citizens is too expensive, pie in the sky fantasy nonsense.

And by the same token, there is organised right-wing and fascist violence happening in the streets, massive increases in hate crimes, insane political stunts and demonstrations like the Freedom Convoy and 1 Million March 4 Children (inspired by the Capitol Hill storming in the US), Qanon plots to kidnap and execute elected officials - things that right wing parties are actively encouraging, particularly the PPC and CPC. More and more we see that electoral politics is the domain of the far-right, whose culture war issues have the best chance of being realised through the sacred portal of the ballot box. Democrats can’t even offer people legalised abortion now!

I think this is why liberals are in a state of hysteria. A healthy liberal democracy does not require constant, unrelenting reminders to “vote your ass off.” Liberals are very much aware, even unconsciously, that voting does less and less of what they want every single day - you see this openly admitted to by American liberals, who are now doing Hitler % meter calculations about which fascist to vote for come the next federal election. Voting itself is what matters, even as they openly, frantically admit it will do nothing but slightly delay the inevitable.

So to like directly answer your question: I think it has less to do with federal elections as a specific political strategy and more just an expression of anxiety about the fact that voting does not do what you want it to do, or what it once did - perhaps encouraging larger questions if voting does anything at all. If national federal elections don’t do anything, if you voting for the most powerful position on the planet doesn’t really change very much regardless of who’s in power, what is the point of voting at all? So I don’t think they are articulating an actual political strategy or way of doing politics, because by their own admission it’s not going to do much of anything (while at the same time being an existential crisis). I’m in a similar boat to you, I vote in smaller elections where I feel they will do some measure of good (in part because municipalities are responsible for so much more of civic life than they were a few decades ago), I have engaged with the Ontario NDP for several years (although that has come to an end now because of their position on Palestine). Electoralism is a compromise, it is an avenue for potential good, but not always, or even most of the time.

Thankfully there are other avenues for politics - labour organising, protesting, mutual aid support networks, getting involved with community work, even something like local neighbourhood councils. Those are places of political potential, and a single person’s presence in them can make a legitimate noticeable difference (speaking from several years of heavy involvement in community orgs). I have never really felt like I was making a change while voting, but I have felt that way helping community members not get evicted, or offering them free daycare a few times a week, or running programs from lgbtq kids who don’t want to go home after school. Those things legit save peoples’ lives, a lot of them are low stakes relative to their benefit, and they help stave off the alienation and loneliness I know everyone feels. Obviously you run into the same structural problems you would everywhere else, it’s not a paradise by any stretch of the imagination, but they are so many avenues outside of voting that do actually help people around you.

And I think if liberals admit that these actions are more powerful, more effective than voting, they are admitting to themselves that their core beliefs are wrong, that the communists and anarchists are correct and have been correct long before their dumbass was born. They can no longer point to any institution that gives a fuck about them as a defense against left-wing critiques of liberal electoralism. I think that is part of what animates their hysteria, their temper tantrums, their screaming about the only thing to do is do nothing at all. It is a full-throated defense of self-defeat. They are wailing as everything they believe in dies. I’d be pretty upset too if that were me! Luckily I grew out of that when I was like 19

[justallihere]

GIRLIE YOU BETTER BE READY TO READ THIS ESSAY!!!!!!

I love how sentient the shadows are in this chapter. Its like they have a mind of their own and I'm here for it. Those shadows are hers now, not Xadens LMAO Mira's eye is going to twitch every time she sees them hanging around her baby sister

so satisfying we got to read how Pierce screamed to death and Xaden needed to relive that memory to keep himself in check

Vi basically kicking Mira out and admitting the room is also his??? I bet X was jumping for joy when he heard that

X is literally ready to shut down/hurt anyone who remotely upsets his wife. He has no fucks to give, doesn't care if it's her bsf, sister, or brother. anyone can be on his shit list and on the flip side, make her happy and he will do whatever that person asks lmao

SO MUCH PHYSICAL TOUCH IM CRYING

The hair conversation had my heart aching, X affirming that its V's body and its okay to be upset about the prospect of it being cut against her will!!!! (wonder if V is getting whiplash from the venin convo and how ppl took away her autonomy bc it's her body, her signet, her choices)

I can't even imagine the bickering that X and Tairn were having and how tired Sgayel must have been listening to these two

Did X's heart break when V thought she wasn't worth it and wouldn't come to save her? Liam really did keep her going and was so confident that X would save HER

She’d misunderstood him once before on this, and he couldn’t let her again

SOBBING!!!! THEY TOUCHED FOREHEADS. Honestly, that can be so much more intimate/impactful than a kiss imo

“Like. . .” He turned his head just enough so that his nose skimmed her cheek. “Everything has shifted since I met you. You are the center of my world—you’re the thing I orbit around. Of course I would come for you. I would do anything for you. You’re everything to me, Vi.”  “Don’t—“ A choked sob got caught in her throat. “Don’t say that.”  “Why? It’s the truth

“I love you, Violet Sorrengail,” he admitted. “I’m in love with you. You can’t get rid of me, in this life or any other. I’ll follow you through them all.” 

In every universe, they are soulmates. I will die on that hill!!! That thing in my chest ACHED when I read this part. I think I've re-read it at least 5 times 😭😭😭😭 He finally said I LOVE YOU TO HER. He didnt and wouldn't allow any room for misunderstanding!!!!! Its all on V now!!! and thats okay!!! X will be patient bc he loves her

Was this the chapter where he kisses her forehead and wipes her tears away 🥺 I love them so much, your honor

HE GOT TO SLIP HIS HAND UNDER HER SHIRT!!!!!! UGH MY HEART I CAN'T WITH THEM

Rhi is so snarky and I love her for it. She might be X's #1 hater (Mira is up there) and I am here for it. I hope we get to see these two bicker

WALK HIM LIKE A DOG SIS, WALK HIM LIKE A DOG

He would do whatever she asked

Xaden is so soft in this chapter and I love you for showing this side of him

He caught her as she buried her face against his shoulder. “Hi, Sloane,” he said gently. 

Everyone loves/fears Vi more than him and X is fully aware and okay with it

“Is that my entry fee?” Xaden asked dryly. “My wife?” 

I feel like everyone is going to be hovering around Vi once she is up and walking around (We all know Xaden is going to LITERALLY be her shadow)

Imogen and the one kitchen lady (forget her name) will be constantly feeding her and fretting that shes gotten too thin and needs to eat.

In summary: FOREHEAD KISSES GALORE, THE CUDDLING, X finally sleeping bc his wife is safe and home?????

you are amazing and i love this fic and you <3

I am always ready for all of your comments let’s do this

Mira has been around Xaden and Violet for two seconds and she’s over it. Like why is he looking at her baby sister that way? Why does Violet like it? Why is she defending him? Make it stop!!

Violet didn’t want anything to do with Pierce’s death, she just wanted to go home, but Xaden enjoyed it for sure

Listen Xaden doesn’t care. Has never cared. Won’t ever care. If anyone upsets Violet, their relationship to her is inconsequential, he won’t let it happen 😭

Xaden is about to learn the hard way that it’s Violet’s body and choice when she starts doing shit he doesn’t want her to do. Start praying for him

Sgaeyl having to intervene between Xaden and Tairn was NOT on her bingo card and yet here she is. Mediating fights between her mate and her rider over some tiny human she won’t even admit she likes

The forehead touch! The forehead kiss! The love confession! Xaden touching her skin directly to ground them both! I’m unwell!

Thank you ily 🩷🩷🩷

[needlepine]

what about umm needletail for bingo?

Thank you to the brave soul who asked for Needletail, you are about to get a manifesto

Soooo basically ummmm uhhh so like um basically ummm so uhhh like

Needletail, right? (This is gonna run long, surprising no one)

Needletail has been my favorite character since I first started reading AVoS, which was probablyyyyy like 2018. Before her, my favorite character had been Crookedstar for like A DECADE almost, so I didn’t really expect to find another character I like as much as him, let alone more 😭 A combo of her characterization, place in the narrative, and wasted potential are what make me like her so much and yes you’re about to get an essay explaining all three

First and foremost, I am drawn to rebellious female characters, in general as well as in warriors. Needletail specifically is a little shit who clearly needs an attitude adjustment, acting as a foil to shy and insecure Alderheart. She also foils him in her allegiances, being willing to shortsightedly drive out her own clan, while Alderheart worries for the future of SkyClan and wants to bring them to the lake. I think that’s fun.

Bringing it back to: Needletail is mean. She is mean and rude, and yet Alderheart and Violetshine get to know her beyond that rough exterior. I see a lot of ppl talk about how “Needletail was a terrible friend and sister,” but I argue that it’s more nuanced than this. I believe we see her truest self with Alderpaw in The Apprentices’ Quest. She’s still rebellious and nosy and loves to speak out of turn, but she’s also well-meaning most of the time. Once Darktail comes into the picture, we see less of this, and I think we can and should blame Darktail for this.

I want to stress: she named HERSELF Needletail after Darktail. She was apprentice-age when Darktail started manipulating her and the rest of her friend group. She already had a rebellious streak, and the Kin encouraged it and told her she was right to rebel against her “weak” leader. They fostered a lack of empathy toward her clanmates. Even when she did finally start to come to grips with what she’d done, she was too scared to speak or act out against Darktail, who would (and DID, in the end) kill her for contradicting him. I will die on this hill that Needletail’s story arc was a tragedy about manipulation and desperately trying to right the wrongs she helped to enact. She had Darktail in her ear from a young age, and she did terrible things under him. Those things can coexist. For me though, it doesn’t erase the fact that she chose to try to do right by Violetpaw and the RiverClan prisoners in the end.

I’ve already touched on her place in the narrative as a foil to Alderheart, but she’s also a great tragic antihero in her own right. She made bad decisions and then slowly lost just about everything she cared about as a result of events she self-centeredly didn’t think would affect her. She lost Rain, she lost Darktail’s trust, she lost her former friends, she lost her place at the top of this new hierarchy. So, when she was faced with losing Violetpaw too, she made another decision (a rare selfless act) so that Violetpaw could not only escape, but rally the rest of the clans to get rid of Darktail for good. Her death scene is one of the most iconic and emotional scenes for me, and even though I adoreee Needletail, her sacrifice was well-built up to and well-written. I wouldn’t do anything to change it (THAT BEING SAID! It won’t stop me from my self-indulgent Needlebloom au where she gets to live and ACTUALLY atone for her crimes before getting to settle down and live her life. I wouldn’t want to change canon but I can have a lil self-indulgent au. As a treat).

And speaking of aus, I’ll wrap this up with Needletail’s wasted potential. I could go on but this is already really long lmao. I think above all that Needletail probably shouldn’t have gone to StarClan, or at least should have delayed going to StarClan. HEAR ME OUT. What if she had been there guiding Rootpaw/Rootspring in TBC? She could have had the “unfinished business” angle where she died young and felt like she wasn’t finished yet/still owed it to the clans to help them. Ik she got to kill Darktail in the Dark Forest alongside Violetshine (this scene was For Me and I loved it btdubs), but wouldn’t it have been so much more satisfying if she’d been around the whole time? Rootspring could’ve had someone else to confide in, and it would also give him a reason to actually have a full conversation with Violetshine, who SO frustratingly got shoved into the “Warrior Cats Background Mother Figure™” role immediately after she wasn’t a pov anymore. I guess TLDR, for such a big personality, Needletail fell away into the bg really quickly, and I def think she coulda been used more in TBC, given all the ghost shenanigans going on.

If you read this far, you’re a real one and I hope you enjoyed my ramblings on Needletail lmaoooo and ty again to anon for asking me to discuss the elephant in the room. Not sure whether I’ll answer more bingos after this one, but we’ll see!

[thessalian]

Thess vs Controllers

Dear game developers:

I would like to flag up with the increasingly problematic issue of PC ports. Or rather, you being somewhat shit at them.

Now, please understand. I am not giving console players shit here. I think that “console gamer vs PC gamer” bullshit is ... well, just that; bullshit. People have ways they prefer to play. It’s just that a lot of people who play video games (or at least those of them who make playing video games a shorthand for their personality) have taken so much shit that they need to feel superior somewhere, and that’s the hill they’ve chosen to die on. Now, I don’t like that part of it very much, for one simple reason:

I CANNOT USE A CONSOLE.

Now, part of this is about money. I mean, given the economic mess we’re living in, fair enough. I have a perfectly good PC; why should I spend that much money on another method of playing games? Especially ones that won’t let me have chat from friends or an episode of something on the second monitor. I love my Gilmore, as I loved Morrigan, Leandra, Frankenbox, all the way down to Crudpuppy twenty or so years ago. Why would I want or need anything else?

Thing is ... it’s not just about money. If it was, I would have worked around it, because I really want to play Horizon: Forbidden West and Guerilla is notoriously slow at PC ports for those games. Still, if it means as good a PC port as Horizon: Zero Dawn was, I’ll happily wait. Because that’s the other reason why I cannot use a console instead of will not:

I. AM. FUCKING. DISABLED.

Console controllers are heavier than they were when I was younger. Rumble packs and so many buttons and thumb-sticks and I don’t even know half the time. They are heavy, and they require a certain two-hand grip to hold. Because I have fibromyalgia, I cannot maintain that two-handed grip for long, especially when I am having to hold something that weighs much of anything. I’d probably struggle with the old lightweight NES controllers that came with my first and only console (yes, I am that old). The new ones? Not a chance in hell.

You know what this also means? It means that, if you throw out a PC port and say you ‘recommend’ using a controller because you haven’t really bothered working out a K&M configuration that works to any great degree, I cannot play it. Because it’s not the console itself; it’s that I physically cannot use the controller.

Do you know how many games I picked up the demos to and had to uninstall without touching because they recommended a controller and I tried to use keyboard and mouse anyway and it was a fucking nightmare? I own a copy of CODE VEIN thanks to my bestie and I can’t play it because BANDAI NAMCO fucked up the PC port to the point where no matter what you do with your keybinds, you need to use right-shift for one particular element of combat. Which is ridiculous because the whole point of console gaming that combat-heavy is left hand on keyboard (mostly for WASD) and right hand for mouse, and how the fuck are you supposed to take your hands off either of those to press right-shift mid-combat? Left hand? Even if it didn’t take your hands of the movement keys in the middle of combat, it’s not just right-shift you’re pressing; it’s right-shift plus a thing on the left side of the keyboard. Right hand? It’s left mouse key to attack; taking your hands off the mouse mid combat is just as bad as the alternative.

I know some games are built for controllers. I mean, I don’t like it, but if you want to lose the PC market, that’s your business. I can respect a company saying, “We tried a PC port for this but could not get it right so it’s console only”. (It’s better than being trapped in console exclusivity by Sony or Microsoft wanting money, anyway.) However, what I do not have any time for are games that throw half-assed PC ports at people and go, “Well, it’s fine if you use a controller”. Some of us can’t. So ignoring the K&M option on your PC port is garbage.

Please do better, or stop teasing people like me and then torturing us with a janky, unintuitive nonsense of a PC port where the keyboard and mouse are concerned. Or at least think for five seconds before you hard-lock an entirely unintuitive keybind.

Regards,

A disabled PC gamer who just had to uninstall the Lost In Play demo because fuck that noise, frankly

[votava-records]

MF Grimm - Scars and Memories

Dedicated to his brother in law who was shot the same time MF GRIMM was almost shot to death aswell, he is now paraplegic (unfortunately) this track also referenced to MF DOOM'S brother named Subroc, he unfortunately died tragically at a young age. Now this track relates so hard to MF DOOM himself.

Scars and memories, memories and scars I look up in the sky and I wonder where you are Can’t nobody diss my nigga Damn, I miss my nigga Memories and scars, scars and memories Talk to me, kid, ‘cause I need some guidance please Can’t nobody diss my nigga Damn, I miss my nigga Scars and memories, memories and scars I look up in the sky and I wonder where you are Can’t nobody diss my nigga Damn, I miss my nigga

[Verse 1: MF Grimm] I’m writing this letter from Lenox Hill Hospital I’m so sorry that I missed your funeral But silhouettes of you are trapped inside my head As I lay in ICU hanging on, wishing I was dead Trying to convince someone to pull the plug and let it end I lost my best friend, plus I’ll never walk again Now that you’re gone, it really don’t matter Becoming a star, becoming a superstar. God Threw rocks at my glass heart and it shattered I look up in the sky and I wonder where you are Crying like a baby, staring at your picture I’m mad at the world, kid. I’m wishing I was with ya The world is on my shoulders, now the weight is kind of hefty I loved my little shorty, but my little shorty left me In a few minutes time, with the help of a nine, I went from King of the rhymes to the victim of crime I gotta stop and wipe my tears, G Ayyo, Jay, respond, let me know you hear me

[Hook: MF Grimm] Scars and memories, memories and scars I look up in the sky and I wonder where you are Can’t nobody diss my nigga Damn, I miss my nigga Memories and scars, scars and memories Talk to me, kid, ‘cause I need some guidance please Can’t nobody diss my nigga Damn, I miss my nigga

[Verse 2: Jay Black and MF Grimm] [Jay Black] You will walk again. Jay Black won’t let you down As for rap, represent and snatch the fucking crown Fuck most these rappers ‘cause, no, they’re not your friends So don’t wait for no battle, bring the noise straight to them I don’t give a damn if the nigga is your idol Implant in his head that he better think survival I don’t give a fuck about his crew or the fame Each one of them niggas, step to ‘em and blow ‘em out the frame

[MF Grimm] But Jay, I want the days when we were just chilling Riding around in cars, dressing nice, and counting millions

[Jay Black] Those days are over for us, so understand you My man, but it’s time to step forward to represent the fam Like I’m Jesus Christ, I’m paying for our sins Take these niggas to war for me, let the games begin I want you off the street ‘cause the street is not the move Don’t let me die for nothing, test your skills, show and prove Niggas think they’re ill, but show ‘em you are iller. In the Past, yo, we killed but wasn’t raised to be no killers Money and murder’s hand-to-hand, it come with territory Manhattan war stories were the price to pay for glory Cash rules everything around us

[MF Grimm] But everyone Around us is not down with us, they plot, scheme, surround us There’s jealousy, envy, niggas want to hurt me I can’t move my legs, Jay, so that shit just irks me Right now, I’d be better off dying, G. I don’t Think that I can function in society ‘Cause I paid the cost, you paid the cost The family paid the cost, and now I’m feeling lost Because you went away, and now my skies are gray I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do, I need you to impinge My life is like a door, hanging off the hinge I tried to improvise and go with the flow But, to my surprise, the flow is so slow I’m really confused, advice you have to give I’m not afraid to die but, right now, I’m afraid to live

[Hook: MF Grimm] Scars and memories, memories and scars I look up in the sky and I wonder where you are Can’t nobody diss my nigga Damn, I miss my nigga Memories and scars, scars and memories Talk to me, kid, ‘cause I need some guidance please Can’t nobody diss my nigga Damn, I miss my nigga

[Verse 3: MF Grimm and Jay Black] [MF Grimm] I don’t know my title, so I’m a little sad, man What’s the difference between a genius and a madman? [Jay Black] A genius is exceptional, he breaks down the whole Madmen are not rational but they do have a goal To be a genius or a madman is in your mind [MF Grimm] But is it possible for the two to intertwine? [Jay Black] Yes, when A genius uses poems just to focus on crime Greed, or make nuclear bombs all the time [MF Grimm] In this Materialistic world, is there any type of hope? (Nope) Will Catholics ever have a black pope? I write rhymes like Riddler, list them like Schindler A lot of religious figures on this planet are just swindlers [Jay Black] What do you see? [MF Grimm] Sight beyond sight, zones of twilight The afterlife, a new world is what I like [Jay Black] You don’t like Commandments but just do them [MF Grimm] Aight, but when you Talk to God again, could you give these questions to Him? [Jay Black] They can’t be too long ‘cause He’s a busy man So tell me about six, and I’ll relay them if I can [MF Grimm] (One) God, why is my mighty nation lost? (Two) Why’d You let Jesus Christ be put on the cross? (Three) Why is my people poor and oh so sore? (Niggas is fucked up) (In Harlem) In Harlem, all I see is funeral homes and liquor stores (Four) Why’d You let the Indians get used and abused? (Five) Why’d You let Hitler crucify all the Jews? Some races will never see the best out of life (This is fucked up) It’s like You made a big-ass test out of life. I got Love for You, God, but could You explain to me (Six) Why You took my legs and Jay and dished out so much pain to me?

[Outro: Jay Black] Don’t stress that, kid. You know how it’s life. Not even death can separate the love

[hekateinhell]

“I can't believe my alternate Devil's Minion posting brought you into my inbox and not my 'Marius/Armand/Lestat + Lestat & Armand being brothers' smut posting” that’s because I MISSED IT. For some reason Tumblr has been doing me dirty lately and usually shows me either old posts or posts that I’ve already seen at the top of my feed and there’s so much incredible stuff I miss unless I take the time to check ppl’s blogs individually (which in your case I’ll gladly do ofc 🥰). ANYHOW. I’m caught up now, back to business. In my head Lestat and Armand are always competing for Marius’ attention/approval (the Succession anon was REALLY onto something here omg), and things tend to get frisky when Marius ultimately ends up favoring Lestat/lets him get away with shit he’d never let Armand get away with. A major Lestat fuck up that ends with Marius laughing it off and calling him a brat prince/damned creature is equivalent to 2 daily whipping sessions for 5 consecutive days for Armand. So the thought of Marius bending them both to his will while outrageously favoring Lestat and saving the worst for Armand while Lestat initially has the time of his life but then his competitive streak starts to kick in once he notices how much Armand’s genuine desperation to please Marius actually GETS to Marius and starts rewarding him… it does things to me, I won’t lie 🥹 “But it leads me back to my thought of Armand baby-trapping Lestat with one of his own nieces or nephews during the French Revolution.” WITH ONE OF HIS OWN WHAT??WHEN??? Imagine Armand holding two mini Lestat clones on both arms while all three of them look at him like 🥺🥺🥺 “provide? 👉👈” and Lestat now has a whole ass family to take care of. I NEED IT. Missed you too! xoxo DA

DA here again, brain won’t stop conjuring up images🫣 what if Marius started getting a little too rough with Armand (even for his standards, which as we know are pretty damn rough already) which made Lestat feel extremely protective of him but unsure about what to do next WHICH would of course be noticed by Marius so he’d end up getting some of Armand’s blows as punishment but he’d take them like a champ for his ahem, brother. And then Armand would lick his wounds clean while they both hold each other and cry 🫠

Work melted my brain and I forgot to check my ask box for a few days, but oh what a lovely Friday treat! 🤧♥️

Where do I even begin? 🥹

Tbh the most scandalous aspect of all of this is the visual of Armand looking all barefoot and pregnant, holding two blond babies while making his canonical Puss in Boots eyes at Lestat (like he isn't an entire deranged Satanic cult leader).

And you know what? You and I and everyone else knows it would work as long as Gabrielle wasn't around to shut that shit down. Shame, because Lestat deserved to be trapped with two kids and a husband that's incurably psychosexually obsessed with him by the ripe old age of twenty-two (this is my hill to die on today). Armand rocking those babies and going, "Would you really refuse me now after I have saved your own flesh and blood from the guillotines? 🥺"

Instead of being disgusted like Louis was, Lestat would be simultaneously terrified and enamored (it's his Armand default, he can't help it). The debate of whether Armand truly does have more morals than Lestat when it comes to turning children can be sorted out once and for all.

NOW LET'S TALK MARIUS.

Not to get too meta when we're talking smut lmao but I feel that in general, Marius is one of those people that the more he loves you, the more you suffer (Lestat is too, and also Armand pre-his 'healed at Trinity Gate' era).

So on the surface, it appears that Lestat is the favorite but in the end Armand gets more of Marius's attention and frustrations. Lestat's way too competitive to take that lying down (so to speak), and maybe it reminds him too much of his childhood and it's upsetting!

But you're right, Lestat is actually extremely gentle and tender when it comes to Armand! At least compared to how he treats Louis, David, etc. Remembering how he lets Armand cling to him in BC while he cries and then Lestat kisses him. 🥹 And Armand is also protective/possessive of him! Nobody gets to hurt Lestat (except Armand).

The only thing better than Lestat crying is both of them crying together and licking up each other's tears. 🥵 But it's a good crying, like 70% of their present-day issues stem from Marius directly or indirectly, so it's sort of poetic that him hurting both of them would give them something to bond over.

Maybe Daddy does know best sometimes. 🙏🏼

[alligatorjesie]

I’m a black woman & reylos like you have been sending me death threats for years. Telling me they want to lynch me for years. Calling me racial slurs for YEARS just because your ship & community is racist & I call it out. So honestly? I don’t feel sorry for you. I think you’re getting exactly what you deserve. How does it feel to get just a tiny fraction of what I get almost daily for the first time in your white life?

Reylos Like Me? Bitch, there ain't no reylos like me.

Anon... Man...

I’ll admit something here, I wish you guys would send me this shit using your real accounts every once in a while. I understand it’s hard to use your real face when you type out the words ‘You deserve those death threats you get’ and still feel like you’re on the moral high ground, but before you take one step further up that hill you've made into a mountain and trip on that stone then tumble backwards ass over teakettle into the fucking ditch you deserve to live in until forevermore, I want you to stop and think real hard for a second what you just typed out and why the fuck that shit is fucked beyond explanation.

I want you to consider the thought process of telling someone that you have received death threats yourself from people in a fandom, then continue with zero fucking awareness to tell a whole new person you've never fucking interacted with before and know fucking nothing about other than they're a reylo that they deserves death threats for... being a reylo?

Like telling that to someone else removes your old wounds or some fucking shit. Does telling me I deserve to die make you feel fucking better?

I don’t fucking know you since you're obviously too fucking cowardly to use your real account to say shit like you just fucking said, because you know it's wrong enough you 'ought not use your real account to say it but not enough to stop you from doing it.

I can only assume who you are because there’s only 3ish people like you I’ve come into contact with in the reylo fandom space with your tune. It’s a pretty small world here, I don’t know if you’ve noticed. The furry fandom is much larger and I’m fully aware of the problematic people in that fandom.

The first user liked to bring up race as an issue when it was never was an issue and blocked me instantly when I brought this up.

The second one, only after deciding I was racist because I had the fucking gull to talk about the very real and harsh reality of Police Brutally as a fucking American, took that information and somehow assumed I wanted them to die via cop?

Beats the shit out of me.

This is the same group that seamed to struggle with associations because they also kept conflating that mentioning nazis meant you were automatically Also talking about the holocaust? IDK. They’re fucking stupid children.

The 3rd one is Stitch and I sure as fuck hope that cunt ain’t sending me anons sayin’ I deserve fucking death threats, because that would be stupid of them on every fucking optic.

We’re just gonna hop over the whole assumption that I’m white because I present online as a fucking alligator so first off bitch as far as you know I’m fucking green and yellow, we ain’t got time for that shit right now, scolding for another day, Continuing:

We are gonna spend a moment on the incorrect assumption that I, A Furry, have in fact Not been receiving death threats since childhood.

Well let me set that record straight for you right now and tell you I Have, As A Furry, Been Told To Die A Lot In Fact.

And not just told, but attempts on furry lives has in fact been made.

I have been being told to die since I was 9.

I was 9 years old the first time someone online told me to go die in a fire because I was drawing myself as a cat.

No one is nice to furries. It’s literally an online joke. Furries are at the bottom of every internet culture tier.

So as someone who has also been dealing with death threats since a very young age unlike what you wrongly fucking assumed, you can and should understand my complete fucking befuddlement of this same person who took the time to sit down and dictate a message to me describing in graphic fucking detail the Absolutely Horrendous Things Said To Them As Death Threats then:

Made A Fucking Choice to Further Perpetuate It,

without a fucking HINT of irony.

You send me this anon telling I deserve death threats because I told someone who was harassing my friends in their own fandom spaces to leave that space if they were going to continue being assholes to my friends? That in your book is what deserves someone getting a death threat? You think I deserve to be told I should die because I told a harasser to fucking leave?

YOU, person who was also recited death threats for defending your own however fucking twisted idea of mortality, think it’s fine someone else gets them for essentially defending their friends from harassment via people like you?

Well that’s fucked up. I know a lot of reylos, being a reylo, and most of them just want to read smut and make art of the thing they love. We’re very insular. What we are not a fucking hive mentality so I just fucking don’t know were you got the idea that if one reylo acts like a fucking shithead then ALL the reylos most be equally shitheads.

Most reylos don’t speak for me. Quite a few very well know and popular reylos have blocked me because of the shit I say to antis in this fandom, not many of them want to read the word 'cunt ' that often in a day and I understand. Now if those reylos have that kind of reaction to me simply telling people off in graphic detail you can understand my disbelief when you tell me you've been given death threats by Multiple Reylos.

I just have a really fucking hard time believing you without some fucking proof.

Reylos are more chill than furries and I didn't fucking think that could happen. I've never met such a big group of genuinely sincere people in my fucking life and I've been in a lot of fandoms.

They spent 7 years just quietly dealing with death threats and harassment for guessing a ship correctly rather than fight back from you fucknuts. They're very pacifistic. Literally just here for the smut and the character development.

But just because a handful of fucking horrible human beings who just so happen to be reylos sent you death threats don’t suddenly make it alright for all reylos to receive death threats you daffy fucking cunt.

You've been getting death threats from reylos for years? I question the authenticity of that but fucking news flash chucklefuck, so have the reylos.

Oh yeah, there are bad actors in this fandom. Fuck me, I’m one of them. I’ll bet you good fucking money most of the reylos here fucking hate seeing my posts pop up if the zero interaction is any indicator.

‘There’s the fucking cunt of an alligator again making all the reylos look bad’ and you know, that’s fair. I ain’t the fucking belle of the reylo ball let me tell you that right now, But Goddammit, I just have a real hard time keeping my trap shut when people who hate this fandom rear their ugly fucking heads to pop into our space and tell us the thing we love is wrong for ‘X’ reason.

I get it, you’re black and offended by space nazis in the galaxy battles saga.

But we’ve had this conversation Many Fucking Times Now about the character of Ben Solo and how we’ve deduced he’s not a fucking nazi with all the context clues provided in the source material of the books, comics, and movies.

I can’t help you understand any more that we reylos hear your complaint.

We see it.

We're painfully aware of it.

We get why you’re mad, but every single fucking time we try to show you why you’re mad for the wrong reasons you wont fucking have it and I'm not gonna hold your hand and help dumb-dumb mcshitty-pants-head here understand how basic fucking plot structure and character drives works in a movie so fucking easy to follow literal children understand it better than you.

But you know what you can do if you flat fucking out refuse to be fucking civil in our fandom space?

You can fucking leave.

You ain't a fucking fan that's for sure. Not with the crazy fucking shit ya'll spout. So why the fuck you here? Fuckin' leave.

I can not make you understand any more that your continued harassment of people in this fandom over this tired and proven incorrect belief about a character that we care for deeply and have explained to you time and fucking time again isn’t a fucking nazi isn’t going to change hearts or minds in this fandom.

You are not helping your cause every time you post in the reylo tag with another Hot Take™ about Kylo Ren and why you think he’s a soulless monster. Just like you probably wouldn’t be making a lot of friends if you showed up at a Black Panther party and started going on about how you think Malcolm X is a domestic terrorist.

Wrong fucking place man.

You’re not saving us from a nazi character.

You’re not convincing us that Ben Solo doesn't deserve redemption.

You’re not teaching us the errors of our smooth brained ways because you think we're stupid fangirls who can’t tell reality from fucking fiction and might also accidentally become nazis by enjoying what is honestly the most fucking vanilla enemies to lovers trope on the fucking market rather than the truth which is we just really wanting to see the redeemed son of Leia Organa and Han Solo make hot fucking love to Rey from Jakku and watch them both grow old and happy together with dozens of kids.

Don't like that idea? Fuckin' Great My Cunt, Never go into reylo fandom tag again and you'll never fucking see it again.

It's just that fucking easy!

Listen, You don’t deserve death threats no one fucking does, but you should understand why the reylos get mad at you with your fucking constant harassment of a ship that just isn’t as problematic as you’d fucking wish it was.

But speaking of reylos sending you death threats;

You point me in the direction of these reylos and I will fucking personally chew them three new assholes. That shit ain’t fucking alright man. No one should be fucking telling you to go kill yourself and if someone I know says shit like that you’ll bet your sweet fucking ass I’ll be the first fucking cunt in line to tell that stupid fucking bitch right the fuck off.

I don’t want them in my fucking fandom and I'll fucking tell them to leave just like I tell you stupid fucks. Just like I don’t want nazis in the furry fandom.

And you know what we tell nazis trying to get into the furry fandom? We tell them to fuck off too.

I don’t like that you were told you should die. That shit is fucked up.

But my horrible fucking anon, you should do the most fucking basic courtesy as a fucking human being who has gone through that yourself and understand why it’s not alright to wish death on others.

You should take a break from tumblr, light up a fat fucking doobie, put on some Radiohead Kid A, and do some internal reflection on why the fuck you think someone you've maybe only interacted with once before deserves death threats while also reflecting on why you might be getting so many yourself.

If you’re so ready to tell ME I deserve to die, then you’ve likely told other this too.

You get out of life what you put in. If you’re an asshole and you put that out there, assholes will find you. God knows that’s true, look at us two giant fucking assholes now. I put my whole huge asshole out there and now I get at least 5 asks a day that are either some fun variation of ‘go kill yourself’ or ‘you like fucking nazis you whore’ to the person who was once chlorine bombed by a nazi at a furcon.

Do you not want to receive death threats? Maybe don’t send them yourself.

God knows I don’t send death threats, yet I still get plenty of them just for being a cunt for rightful reasons.

But I’ll tell you what I’ll never fucking do is send you a death threat.

You can be an asshole, fine man that’s your fucking right. God fucking knows I can and fucking will call you everything from a rotten jizz sock or a bloated condom filled with piss, and on a good day I may also describe in detail how hard and raw I love to fuck both your parents that anyone who screws them after can just shove their whole leg up in there and they wouldn't feel a goddamn thing, but stop for one fucking second the next time you type out the words ‘you deserve death threats’ and consider this simple fact of life:

You get back what you put in.

[katnisscarter]

I was supposed to go away but they forgot to take me away

All of this to say I hope you’re okay but you’re the reason and no one here’s to blame but what about your silent treason

I want to kill her

I love you it’s ruining my life

Thought of callin ya but you won’t pick up

Who else decodes you? And who’s gonna hold you like me? And who’s gonna know you like me? Nofuckinbody

Once I fix me he’s gonna miss me

For a moment i knew cosmic love now im down bad crying at the gym everything comes out teenage petulance fuck it if I can’t have him I might just die it would make no difference

In a field in my same old town that seems so hollow now they’ll say I’m nuts if I talk about the existence of you for a moment I was heaven struck now I’m down bad

Pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away my spine split from carrying us up the hill wet through my clothes weary bones caught the chill

How much sad did you think did you think I had in me so long oh the tragedy you’ll find someone

I stopped cpr after all it’s no use the spirit was gone we would never come to and I’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free two graves one gun I’ll find someone

And you say I abandoned the ship but I was going down with it my white knuckle dying grip

You swore that you loved me but where were the clues? I died on the altar waiting for the proof

And I’m just getting color back into my face

Had a good run a moment of warm sun but I’m not the one

Screaming but daddy I love him I’m having his baby no I’m not but you should see your faces

This cage was once just fine am I allowed to cry?

You don’t get to tell me about sad if you wanted me dead you should’ve just said

So tell me not everything’s about me? But what if it is

Then say they didn’t do it to hurt me, but what if they did

You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they made me

Cause you lured me and you hurt me and you taught me. You caged me and then you called me crazy.

Who’s gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames if we know the steps anyway we embroidered the memories

Never before and never since if you know it in one glimpse it’s legendary

Still alive killing time at the cemetery never quite married

You said I’m the love of your life about a million times

A con man sells a fool a get love quick scheme but i felt a hole like this never before and ever since

What we thought was for all time was momentary

You shit talked me under the table talking rings and talking cradles I wish I could unrecall how we almost had it all dancing phantoms on the terrace

It was legendary it was unnecessary should have let it stay buried

And I’ll still see it until I die you’re the loss of my life

Cause I’m a real tough kid I can handle my shit they said fake it til you make and I did

He said he’d love me all his life but that life was too short breaking down I hit the floor all the pieces of me shattered

I’m so depressed I act like it’s my birthday everyday

I’m so obsessed with him but he avoids me like a plague

I cry a lot but I’m so productive it’s an art

I can hold my breath I’ve been doing it since he left I keep finding his things in my drawers crucial evidence I didn’t imagine the whole thing

Could someone give a message to the smallest man that ever lived? Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?

I would have died for your sins instead I just died inside

This happens once every fee lifetimes these chemicals hit me like a white wine

What if I told you I’m back? The hospital was a drag, worst sleep that I’ve ever had

But I’m coming back so strong

Cause the sign on your heart said it’s still reserved for me. Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy? Hey you, what if I told you we’re cool?

Where’s the trophy? He just comes running over to me

Beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours demanding more

Old habits die screaming

My longings stay unspoken and I may never open up the way I did for you all of those best laid plans you said I needed a brave man then proceeded to play him until I believed it too and it kills me I just don’t understand how you don’t miss me in the shower and remember how my rainsoaked body was shakin’ do you hate me?

Hire a priest to come and exercise my demons even if I die screaming and I hope you hear it

Whether I’m gonna be your wife or smash up your bike I haven’t decided yet

I’ll make you wanna think twice you’ll find that you were never not mine

Push the reset button we’re becoming something new say you got somebody and I’ll say I got someone too even if it’s handcuffed I’m leaving here with you bygones will be bygone eras fading into gray

I told my friends I hate you but I love you just the same

Pick your poison babe I’m poison either way

As the decade would make us for fools and you saw my bones out with someone new

And if you want to break my cold cold heart just say I loved you the way you were if you want to tear my world apart just say you’ve always wondered cause I wonder

We were blind to unforeseen circumstances we learned the right steps to different dances

Lost the game of chance, what are the chances?

Guess who we ran into at the shops walking in circles like she was lost? Didn’t you hear they called it all off?

Say it once again with feeling. How the death rattle breathing silenced as the soul was leaving the deflation of our dreaming leaving me bereft and reeling my beloved ghost and me sitting in a tree d-y-I-n-g

It’s happening again, how did it end? I can’t pretend like I understand.

I look in peoples windows in case you’re at their table what if your eyes looked up and met mine one more time

Does it feel alright to not know me? I’m addicted to the if only

I guess a lesser woman would’ve lost hope a greater woman wouldn’t beg but I looked to the sky and said please I’ve been on my knees change the prophecy

A greater woman has faith but even statues crumble if they’re made to wait

Is it something I did? The goddess of timing once found us beguiling she said she was trying was she lying?

I thought it was just goodbye for now? You said you were gonna grow then you were gonna come find me

And I won’t confess that I waited, but I let the lamp burn

I hoped you’d return with your feet on the ground tell me all that you’ve learned cause loves never lost when perspective is earned and you said you’d come and get me but you were 25 and the shelf life of those fantasies expired lost to the lost boys chapter of your life forgive me please know that I tried to hold on to the days that you were mine but the woman that sits by the window has turned out the light

He said I’m not a donor but I’d give you my heart if you needed it she rolled her eyes you’re a professional he said no just a Good Samaritan he said if the sex was half as good as the conversation was soon they’d be pushing strollers but soon it was over

[andnowwedance]

This team pr vs team real bullshit needs to end.

If people want to believe it’s PR let them, if people want to believe it’s real and everyone else is just crazy to think this is pr, let them.

This is to everyone!

Each of these bs teams need to stop going into the spaces where majority feel the opposite.

It’s like going to a sports team event and everyone is for team a but you, KNOWING this event is for team a, walk in there going team b is the best, then acting shock when everyone goes at you.

Do NOT go actively search each others blogs just to get riled up in an argument. If you see a comment you don’t agree with somewhere……ignore it.

Pr blogs do have some valid reasons to believe this is Pr, and that is on Chris for making his relationship look like PR and using it for PR purposes.

But come the fuck on, the man stated he got married, out his own mouth and how idiotic would it be to lie about something that never happened.

If and a HUGE If this turns out to be PR…..I’d love to see the outcome of you all arguing over this mess.

Me: 😆 🍿

Moving on……

As far as Chris Evans fans not liking this particular girl …..unless you aren’t aware of the racism amongst other things…..sorry but people want to know that their fav celeb didn’t purposely marry a racist. Miss me with that just because her friends are racist doesn’t mean she is or those posts were old, …..naw, no decent human being even dares to tweets, posts, etc vile things like that, period. I’m a person of color and maybe that don’t mean jack shit to some of you, but it mattered to me.

You have people using Chris’ relationship to taunt others knowing damn well the girl and her friends are problematic. That’s childish as fuck to me. Grow the hell up!!

Any woman this man gets would get some backlash from his fandom but there are usually still fans that are like whatever not my business, they are here for his work or dog, but In this case this girl has tainted his fandom and for the fans who don’t care who he dates, they’ve seen alba’s own actions and it makes them question who the hell Chris is and if that’s the type of person they want to support. So that’s why many care. It’s not rocket science. Many people are here hoping this relationship is bs, but I’ll get back to that point in a sec.

My advice to you is to stop arguing with fans of any fandom, it’s a losing battle. If people want to die on these hills….LET THEM! Reality will smack people in the face soon enough.

We are all responsible for what we interact with and consume so instead of arguing with people about whether something is pr or real, find your group of people on here and stick with that.

I’m tired of everyone and everyone is doing the same damn thing on the same spectrum on opposite sides and then trying to point fingers and act as though the other side is “crazy”.

It’s ridiculous coming on here and seeing the same bs continuing.

I left after he confirmed his marriage. I lowkey hop back here because I made friends and in the process I get updates about this shitshow, either way it’s still a shitshow. 😂

But Grown ass people online arguing over some celeb bullshit. Real relationship….PR relationship…..either way Chris Evans made a choice so technically why is anyone still here? He doesn’t come out clean either way you look at it.

No one on either team likes her except the ones pretending she’s everything and then some just to taunt the pr blogs. 🙄

Outside of the pr or real mess, many just want to know how this eventually ends divorce, pr exposed, kids, etc. it’s a mess.

Hope that she’d light on some things.

😮‍💨

I can be a bit blunt at time, but I had a lot to say.

The only innocent party in this mess is Dodger Evans!

I stopped reading halfway through because dont come into my inbox lecturing me. I stay out of this 99.9% of the time, a look at my blog will confirm that. that one blog just happened to cross my path today and i had just enough time to point out that nonsense i didnt go looking for for shit

Also,

“Pr blogs do have some valid reasons to believe this is Pr, and that is on Chris for making his relationship look like PR and using it for PR purposes.”- no they dont. There is no reason.

Im sure there is several other things i could make points about but as i said i stopped reading halfway through. I know how to act, you dont gotta teach me.

[falinscloaca]

think i’ll be normal forever now about *that* discourse actually, i got it out of my system. purged those resent toxins. successfully codified a working mental system for handling, rectifying, and respecting intracommunity variation of the definitions behind supposedly (but like. god not actually) the same self-identification. our identifications DO absolutely still affect other people tho thats a hill i’ll die on, all identity is socially constructed from comparison with others one way or another, but even going into todays waking nightmare i was heavily emphasizing that it doesn’t make shit a zero sum game where some people are more “correct” its literally just being a social species with variation and cross-influence. this DOES still make me feel the need to hyperspecify what i mean when i say i’m trans and gay since that doesn’t get to be self-explanatory enough for my hellbrain anymore which. yeah actually still fucking sucks for everyone involved i think but i can stop tilting at other peoples emotionally-charged-and-intensely-personal windmills i think

[thejacemister]

You remember those songs that had 2 parts to em? well this is something like that. There’s usually 2 perspectives when they make those kinda songs. This one is a little different. its the same perspective just 2 different meanings. You already got the 1st part in a message. Don’t get me wrong. I meant everything i said in that message. But I said those things for VERY selfish reasons. If we’re being honest, i don’t care. I don’t. I only sent something to you because its what was right or rather what was expected of me.

I do want you to get better, honest. I need you to be healthy. I need you to be fully conscious of everything especially of what is to come. Your first mistake was trusting your mom. and your most recent one is the same one. In a way its a bit poetic because the one person you would bet your reputation and, what i imagine, your life is gonna be the same one to betray you. Funny how life works. the carousel will NEVER stop turning for you. I don’t think you’ll ever learn. I hope you don’t tbh. It makes for a good sitcom plot. Lets just say that when i heard your snake of a mother was in Maryland i couldn’t help but laugh because almost like I had foresight, i saw exactly how these next few years are going to be for you and your mom. ‘cause lets be honest, you and your mother have never got along and never will. That will never change.

You say that this is the first time i don’t fight you after i sent the message. But we don’t make peace with our friends we make peace with our enemies. and don’t get it twisted in no way was that message an invitation or a sign that we are good. ‘cause we’re not. If i had never fought for myself, i would still be looking for an apartment and struggling to make ends meet. I would still be under your shithead of a mom at work with what i imagine would be a much less paying position. If i hadn’t fought for myself i would still be labeled the sexual abuser your demonic-piece-of-shit-stain-that-you-call-a-mother had paraded to everyone in your family and to everyone at work. She had a huge hand in damaging my reputation and that’s something i will never forgive because that’s vile. If i’m a bad guy because i wouldn’t let you or Jessicunt treat me like shit, then i’m the fucking bad guy. i’ll wear that badge proudly and i’ll HAPPILY die on that hill. You could care less where i ended up or how she was treating me. and honestly i don’t blame you for taking her side. After all it IS your mother right? but… its weird how HER mom and SISTER believed me and call her foul play….

Call me a Masochist for staying around for so long. Unfortunately our love was not unconditional. maybe for a time it was. but in the end it was very much conditional. I had expectations of you and you had some of me. i can’t fault you for that. we were both disappointed. But like I always say… “todo en esta vida se paga”. Tu traición lo vas a pagar con tu madre. I bet my bottom dollar on that. It’ll hurt you. A LOT. ‘cause i warned you what kind of person she is. she has always let you down. she’s the kind of person that your mom warns you about. Lol funny how that works. But that’s why i sent you that message. Hoping you feel better. Because I need you to be nice and healthy. I need you to be all there when she ultimately drives that same knife she drove in my back. I need you to survive this so you can fully experience that. Knowing that your mom successfully tore your company down and your trust is a satisfaction that i will never be able to replicate. I know i could sleep with a thousand whores and still not feel a fraction of that. I know its coming thats whats great. Because as much as she is helping you now… she will NEVER change.

So get better. Get healthy. Take all the medicine you need and go to all the doctor’s appointment. Have Choco drive you around to them and make sure to keep him close. although it won’t matter lol. She’ll still bring her claws into it. But please, beat this condition you have. Because i don’t want you to miss a second of your mother’s betrayal. And in the case you do miss it because you’re not as strong as i thought you are… rot in pieces. ‘cause God forgives, but i don’t.

[bardicious]

My only problem with the Umbrella Academy fandom is the likely huge amount of antis. That’s probably going to be annoying.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

If I Fell For You (Part 7) - Take It Slow

Summary: Jensen takes the reader and the kids for a day on the slopes but a minor accident has Jensen nervous about their relationship. As Jensen jumps into filming more, he brings home a little surprise for the reader and kids and decides what he really wants going forward...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x nanny!reader

Word Count: 3,700ish

Warnings: language, death of a spouse, mild injury, intruding rabbits

A/N: Enjoy!

________

“Good morning, munchkins,” you said the next day after an unexpected morning shower with Jensen. He’d gotten dressed and had them ready to go for the day by the time you were even drying off.

“Dad says he has a surprise for us today,” said JJ, slurping up her bowl of cereal.

“Oh really?” you asked.

“Yes really,” he said, setting a bowl of cereal and cup of coffee down at your spot, kissing your cheek. “Even Y/N’s don’t get to know. Now eat up everybody. I want to get on the road by ten.”

You helped put away the dishes in the dishwasher after breakfast, crossing your arms and leaning against the counter.

“What’s the surprise, Jackles?” you asked. He grinned and bopped your nose. “Gonna need another shower later?”

“Oh you liked that?” he smirked, pressing his hands on the counter edge on both sides of you. 

“You’re cute with wet hair,” you said.

“Well, since I will need your help a bit with wrangling the three munchkins...I think you’ll just have to find out when we get there,” he chuckled. He kissed your cheek and you groaned. “I’m taking you guys snowboarding today.”

“Really?” you asked.

“Yeah. That or skiing. The kids have a little ski class and I figured maybe you and me could hit the slopes for an hour before we meet back up with them.”

“Uh, I have zero idea of how to ski. Or snowboard.”

“I know. I’m gonna teach you a few basics. Fun? Not fun?” he asked, resting his hands down on your hips.

“I will try my best...and probably end up with a sore butt,” you said.

“I got faith in you. We’ll take it real slow. You’ll get the hang of it real quick.”

“Daddy, I made a snowman,” said Zeppelin when Jensen had finished renting out skis for everyone an hour later. 

“I see honey. He looks very nice,” said Jensen. “Alright. Let’s get helmets on and get out there guys.”

Fifteen minutes later Zeppelin was holding onto your hand and leg, absolutely refusing to leave your side.

“Don’t you want to go play with your sisters?” you asked. He shook his head and Jensen sighed. “Why don’t I stay with the kids for the hour and you can get some actual going down the mountain in? I’m sure I can pick up whatever I need to learn watching them.”

“Are you sure?” asked Jensen. “I don’t mean to ditch and run.”

“I want to hang with Zepp anyways,” you said while you looked down. “What do you think? Sound good to you?”

He nodded and you glanced back at Jensen.

“You’re gonna have more fun not dragging me around anyways. We’ll see you in one hour, okay?” you asked. You kissed his cheek and smiled. “You can still teach me later, okay?”

“Alright, alright. I’ll see you guys real soon.”

“JJ you’re a natural!” beamed Jensen when you met back up with him. She was very good and the twins...well you gave up on them after a bit and simply let them run around the snow chasing one another. 

“Hey!” someone up the hill shouted. You spun around and saw some guy on a snowboard barreling straight for where the twins were sat near the edge of the slope. You jumped in front of them, the guy slamming straight into you but thankfully you were both able to go off to the right of them. You tumbled together for a minute before he slid away a few feet groaning. 

“Ow,” you said, rolling to your back and staring up at the sky. 

“You okay?” asked the guy with a grunt.

“I think so. You?” you breathed out.

“Same.” He made some kind of unclicking sound and then he crawled over, looking down at you. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t really learn the stop part yet.”

“Y/N, honey,” said Jensen, suddenly kneeling down beside you. “Are you hurt?”

“Feel like I got hit by a train,” you said, trying to sit up. You hissed and lay back down, hearing a pair of ski’s stop nearby. “My back hurts.”

“What’s your name?” asked a guy in a bright red coat with a backpack on as he stopped at you on the ground.

“Y/N,” you said. 

“Unit two, possible back injury on southwest side of hill slope. Need the backboard,” said the guy into a radio before he was talking to the other man.

“Daddy,” said Arrow, tugging on Jensen’s sleeve. She had tears in her eyes and you gave her a smile.

“I’m fine, sweetie. Just fell down too hard. Daddy’s gonna keep playing with you guys for a few more minutes,” you said.

“Y/N,” he said quietly.

“They’re scared,” you whispered. “Go. I think my back is just scraped up, I promise. Go on. Meet up with me wherever they take me in a few minutes.”

“She’ll be at the medical station,” said the paramedic. Jensen shot the guy that’d slammed into you a dirty look but he went back over to the kids and you gave them a wave. “Can you describe your back pain?”

“It’s sore. I can move. It’s more like it just hurts, kinda dull like,” you said. 

“Alright. We’ll get you taken care of.”

Thirty Minutes Later

“Hey,” said Jensen as you struggled to pull your thermal leggings back up. “Let me help.”

“Thanks,” you said, holding his shoulders as he hiked them up your legs. 

“The kids could have gotten really hurt if you hadn’t jumped in like that,” he said, pulling them up over your hips. His hand grazed over the hot pack stuck on your skin and you nodded. “You okay?”

“It’s just a few bad bruises. The other guy broke his nose.”

“I could have broke his nose,” he said, tugging your hoodie down over you. 

“It was an accident,” you said. “Kids okay?”

“They got a little upset for a second but they’re fine. They want to be with you though and I’m inclined to cut today short,” he said. 

“Counter offer,” you said, sitting down on the bed and glancing at your boots. He knelt down and tugged one up, zipping it up before doing the other. “We grab lunch and go sledding on the kiddie hill afterwards.”

“We’ll get lunch and then go home,” he said, folding up your snow pants.

“Come on. I’m-”

“You’re hurt. You got bruises all over and sledding’s just gonna hurt you.”

“Jensen,” you said, standing and picking up your coat. “Take a deep breath.”

“I’m-”

“Jensen.” He frowned but did it, cocking his head at you. “Again.”

He did it a few times, looking down when he’d finished. You rubbed his arm and he nodded.

“I’m okay. Not going anywhere,” you said. 

“He hit you so fucking hard.”

“I know but I’m tougher than I look. Buy me some hot chocolate, make me feel better,” you said. 

“You didn’t hesitate to step in you know.”

“Well there wasn’t really time to pick them up or move them. I figured tackling the guy off to the side was the best bet.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“I know it’s not. But it’s not a big deal and I think we should come back next weekend so you and JJ can ski and me and the twins will go sledding. Deal?”

“Okay.”

“Maybe we can make a snowman when we get home.” You shrugged back into your jacket, Jensen fixing your hair. He zipped you up and took another deep breath, resting his hands on your shoulders. “It’s okay if you got scared. It’s nice knowing you care.”

“I don’t know if I’d survive two horrible…” he said.

“Yes you would. You have three very important reasons to.”

“You didn’t see the shit show I was before you.”

“Somehow you survived that without me. You could survive it without me again too,” you said.

“Yeah well, I don’t want to.” You smiled softly and he rested his forehead against your own.

“Well let’s plan on us having relatively boring normal lives then where we die of extremely old age in our sleep,” you said. “Sound like a plan?”

“I’d be okay with that,” he said. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” you said, kissing his cheek. “Let’s go enjoy the rest of our day, okay?”

“Okay, sweetheart.”

“Ah shit,” you said that night in your bathroom as you put on your pajamas after a shower. You were covered in dark purple bruises all over your back, legs and arms. Jensen had turned around throughout the day and seemed to have forgotten about the incident on the slope. It’d set him on edge which you couldn’t blame the poor guy for but you just knew if he got one look at you he’d start to worry again.

“Y/N,” said Jensen through the door. “Got a minute?”

“Just a second.” You looked around and grabbed the robe you never used off the back of the door and tied it around your waist. You tugged up your sweatpants and hummed. “Come in.”

“Hey,” he said, giving you a smile in the mirror as you started to comb your hair. “I’m gonna have to ditch on the movie. Work just called and my night shoot for later in the week got pushed cause of the storm they’re expecting.”

“Oh. When do you go in?”

“About twenty minutes,” he said.

“Don’t you need sleep?” you asked. He shrugged and you cocked your head.

“I’ll sleep on my lunch break. You mind getting the three of them down for bed tonight?”

“Not at all. Remember to pack your long john’s. It’s not warm and neither is your suit,” you said.

“The perils of playing a superhero,” he chuckled. You smiled and combed your hair, the sleeve of your robe falling down your leg and exposing a bruised arm. “Can I see?”

“It’s one little bruise,” you said, holding your arm up to him. 

“Can I see?” he asked again. You sighed and undid your robe, sliding it off your shoulders. He frowned when he saw your chest and back but only nodded. “Take some pain medicine before bed. There’s some of those heat packs in the kitchen too if you want some.”

“I will,” you said. You put on your pajama shirt and he went to leave, leaving his hand on the doorframe. “Yeah?”

“Aspercreme helps. Worked for me after the accident,” he said.

“Thanks. Text me when you’re on your way home?” you asked.

“Can do,” he said. He tapped his fingers on the frame before swinging around it and leaving. You picked up your brush and went back to brushing, Jensen popping back around the corner. Your gaze found his in the mirror and he glanced down. “Y/N. This is gonna come across a certain way and I hope…”

“We can slow it down, Jensen. I know today brought up some stuff for you.”

“I do care about you,” he said as he walked over. You turned to face him, Jensen taking your arm and running his thumb gently over the bruised skin. “I don’t necessarily think we’re going too fast either. But today kinda fucked me up a bit and I gotta deal with that shit before I keep going with this. I’m sorry. It’s not fair to you.”

“Are we taking a break?” you asked, his head immediately shaking.

“No, no. I just...want to keep the status quo for a bit? Sleep in our own rooms, have a date night on Saturdays. Keep things...the same. Normally I know that’s the death of a relationship but-”

“Jensen you know last night when we were playing around and I told you that we could stop whenever you needed to?”

“I don’t want to stop though. I just-”

“Jensen. I’m saying don’t worry about it. This isn’t the death of our relationship. You are feeling a lot of shit right now and so am I. You’re starting to get into filming everyday and I know that’s gonna be long days and when you’re home your focus is gonna be on the kids and I’m just saying it’s okay if this steps off the gas for a second. Just come back eventually okay?”

“Why are you so understanding?”

“Why would I make this hard for you?” you asked.

“Don’t you want things out of this though?”

“Of course I want things. But hurting you in the process to get there isn’t worth it. I’m not gonna hurt you just so I can hit some stupid milestone that people say you should do by x point in time. Fuck that. When you’re ready to progress a bit again, I trust you’ll tell me. Okay?”

“Thank you,” he said quietly. He kissed you slowly and nodded. “I’ll try not to take too long. I promise.”

“I am going to ask for one thing though.”

“Anything.”

“Call up that doctor you saw. Talk to him about how you’re feeling. Don’t go through whatever’s going on in that head of yours alone.”

“I will. I promise. I still want to be your boyfriend, Y/N.”

“I know and you can be. We’ll go slow,” you said. “Now go get ready for work and kiss the kids goodbye. We’ll see you in the morning.”

“Okay.” He slid his hand to the back of your neck and pulled you in close, planting a deep kiss on you. You stared at him as he broke away and smiled. “See you later honey.”

“Later Jensen. Call if you need anything.”

“I will. Promise.”

Two Weeks Later

“Hi,” hummed Jensen as he knocked on the edge of your doorframe late one night. You were sat on bed with your laptop typing away.

“Hello,” you said, biting your bottom lip as you backed up what you’d written.

“What ya doing?” he hummed again.

“Um, working on another Fox Foxington story,” you said. 

“Must be pretty invested considering you haven’t looked at me once,” he said, a big ass smirk in his voice. You glanced up and he was grinning hard, your jaw dropping.

“Oh my God.” You pushed the laptop aside and hopped out of bed, bouncing up and down on your toes. “You’re suit looks fucking awesome! They let you bring it home?”

“I’m on my lunch break. We’re filming ten minutes from here. I thought someone might like to see it in person.”

“This is so cool,” you said, reaching out a hand but pausing. “Can I touch it?”

“Of course,” he chuckled. You put your hand on his chest and tilted your head. “Feels weird right?”

“Yeah. I bet this thing isn’t comfortable to wear all day,” you said.

“Hardest part is the bathroom,” he said as you inspected him. “I’m not in it all day though.”

“Is that a spoiler?” you asked.

“Is it?” he teased. “Kids in bed yet?”

“Yeah but wake ‘em up. Dad looks freaking awesome right now,” you said.

“You sure?”

“Yup,” you said. You went back to your nightstand and grabbed your phone. “Come on, picture time.”

Ten minutes later and one sprinting out the front door Jensen later you had the kids back in bed and went back to work on your story. You worked for a few minutes when a flashing on the wall caught your attention. You narrowed your eyes at the box by your door, figuring the HVAC system was messing up again.

You got up and stared at it for a moment before you realized what the little flashing light was for. Your phone rang in your hand and you quickly answered.

“Y/N, I got a text saying the motion alarm got tripped,” said Jensen. “Did you-”

You heard a thud downstairs and opened the door.

“Someone’s downstairs,” you whispered.

“Turn around,” you heard Jensen say to the driver. You snuck out of the room and down the hall past the kids rooms. You peered over the balcony and laughed. “Y/N?”

“Uh, I know who our intruder is,” you laughed. “Um, you didn’t happen to leave the front door open when you came in earlier, did you?”

“Maybe,” he said as you heard a car out front. “What-”

“There’s a big ass rabbit sitting in the foyer,” you said, watching it hop over to the boot tray and start gnawing on Jensen’s sneaker. “I hope you aren’t partial to those blue sneakers.”

“What the…” he said as you watched the front door open. You hung up and Jensen stared at the rabbit, the rabbit taking a beat before it went back to chewing his shoelaces. “No! Stop! Bad bunny! This isn’t your house, go home.”

“Oh I need to film this,” you said. You started to record him as he opened the door and pointed outside.

“Go home bunny,” he said. The bunny apparently took that as an invitation to hop further into the house, Jensen groaning. You giggled and went downstairs, following them into the kitchen where the rabbit decided to hide under the counter stools. “Bunny please go home? I’m gonna be late getting back to work.”

The bunny hopped over to him before dashing away to the other side of the kitchen.

“Wait,” he said. He went to the fridge and grabbed a bag of baby carrots. He pulled one out and sat it on the ground by his feet. “Come on little guy. Come on…”

“Here we see Soldier Boy attempting to remove a little bunny rabbit from his home. Will he succeed or will he be late for work and have to explain this strange incident to his boss? Tune in to find out,” you said. Jensen stood up and shot you a bitch face. 

“You gonna narrate too?” he said.

“Maybe,” you laughed, taking the carrot off the floor. “Come on Mr. Bunny. I’ll give you the bag of ‘em if you head outside. It’s getting late. You ought to be home with your family, buddy.”

He hopped over and you knelt down, holding it out to him. He took a nibble and Jensen bent over, picking him up gently. 

“You’re cute and all but no bunnies allowed inside,” he said. He set him down outside and dumped out the bag of carrots by the front door. “Okay? Maybe you can get some more of those if you don’t break in again.”

The rabbit took a carrot in it’s mouth and ran off to the hedge before it came back and grabbed another.

“Ah Soldier Boy saves the day again,” you giggled. He made a superhero pose before laughing and you turned off the video. “Go on cutie. Don’t catch cold either. Wouldn’t want you sick for your birthday.”

“Is it...is it my birthday?” he teased. “Oh I seem to have completely have forgotten about it.”

“I wish you didn’t have work all day.”

“Eh, I’m used to it,” he said.

“Um, since you have a long day and stuff...can I take you out Thursday? I know you’re off Friday.”

“Yeah. I’d love that,” he said.

“Your birthday present is on your bed when you get home later,” you said.

“Looking forward to it. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Later Jensen.”

It was after dinner the next night, Jensen only getting home around lunch after an incredibly long day, when a pair of arms wrapped around you. You spun around and a very tired Jensen was hugging you tightly.

“Hey. I thought you were heading to bed finally,” you said.

“I was. I opened your present. Thank you.”

“S’just a present,” you said. He shook his head and you smiled. “I know. It’s your first one without her.”

“No that’s not it. Yesterday I was a little off because of it but...you got me socks. She always got me socks for my birthday. It was a joke between us but you didn’t know that and you still got me socks somehow.”

“Jensen it’s just a pair of socks.”

“I know. I’m not the kind of person that takes things as signs and stuff but maybe somehow, she was telling me something, like it’s okay to move on with you.”

“Maybe,” you said. You’d honestly only bought them because he couldn’t wear winter boots while he was filming and you knew his feet got cold. But if he wanted to take it that way you weren’t going to stop him. 

“Can we pick things up again? You’ve been taking a backseat the past few weeks and I know what I want and what I’m ready for.”

“What are you ready for?”

“You’re gonna get hurt sometimes and I can’t stop it. I can only be there after the fact and I’m okay with getting hurt in that way. It’s the price I gotta pay and I’ll pay it eventually but I’m okay with that. I want to be with my best friend again if she’ll have me back.”

“Always,” you said. “I don’t need a date every night to make me happy.”

“I know. Would you sleep in my bed tonight though?” he asked. “I missed your cuddles.”

“Sure. I’ll be up in a little while. You get some sleep. You have to be exhausted,” you said. 

“I am. But tomorrow and Thursday should be shorter days,” he said. “On a positive note, it sounds like filming is going faster than expected so there’s a possibility we can all get back home sooner than we thought.”

“Not that I mind the snow but I know the kids wouldn’t mind seeing their friends again,” you said. “Go get some sleep. We’ll talk more tomorrow when you’re more conscious, alright?”

“Yes mam,” he said. He kissed the top of your head and went upstairs, JJ wandering over from where she’d been coloring.

“JJ, why’d you tell me your dad likes getting socks on his birthday?” you asked.

“I don’t know. He just does,” she said. You ruffled her hair and smiled. “What?”

“Nothing. Let’s play a board game before bed, see if we can get the twins to pay attention this time.”

________

A/N: Read Part 8 here!

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 305: Worst Intervention Ever

Previously on BnHA: Shinomori, whose name took me an entire week to memorize, was all, “nice to meet you Deku, I’m ten feet tall, do you want to know how I died?” and without waiting for an answer explained that he kicked it from old age at forty thanks to good ol’ OFA. Deku was all “wait a minute, then how come All Might, who’s fifty-five and is definitely dyeing his gray hair, is still alive?” First and Shino were all, “we really have no fucking clue but we think it’s cuz he’s quirkless, JUST LIKE YOU!” So basically, since quirkless people don’t exactly grow on trees these days, Deku is probably going to be the last user of OFA. The chapter ended with Nana being all, “psst, Deku, about my grandson. Uh, can you kill him?” which is sure to lead to a very interesting conversation this week.

Today on BnHA: Nana And The Gang are all “so, Deku, how can we put this delicately. The thing is, we’re pretty sure that AFO really fucked my grandson up, so on the off chance you can’t save him, how would you feel about, you know... [throat slitting gesture].” Deku is all “idk you guys, I kinda feel like he’s really just a traumatized child at heart and he’s in a lot of pain and stuff and so I should try to help him.” The Vestiges are all “BUT WHAT IF YOU CAN’T” and Deku is all “BUT I WANT TO TRY, DAMMIT” and the Vestiges are all “well when you put it that way, we, uh, were just testing you, so congrats, you passed!” The chapter ends with First being all, “ANYWAY SO WHY DON’T YOU TWO SHY BOYS STANDING OVER THERE IN THE SHADOWS COME SAY HELLO” before we CUT AWAY FOR ANOTHER WEEK, goddammit.

seriously, Nana

just... have you met Deku?? look, if you really want Tomura dead, just sic him on the U.A. first years and tell Shouto and Honenuki that it’s a training exercise

oh my god lmao

we’re too far away to see Nana’s face here so I will just assume that she turned and is staring DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA for this one line lmao. “I just wanted to clarify in case anyone felt inclined to take my dialogue out of context and spend an entire week complaining about it”

oh my god?! are you all purposely trying to make me sad??

someone stop me before I launch into an impromptu rant about all my Tomura feels. WHY IS NOBODY STOPPING ME. oh my god but yes, exactly. he’s just in pain all the time. this is exactly why I think Tomura has such high redemption potential even though so far he seems to lack so many of the redemption arc essentials such as feeling remorse, wanting to change, and taking responsibility for his actions. the reason why I’m willing to overlook all that in his case is because Tomura has essentially had zero agency his entire life. AFO molded him into a killer by making sure he was in constant mental agony, and making it so that the only thing that even slightly relieved that agony was killing peeps. like, please don’t think I’m making excuses for him or anything, but if you take a child and manipulate their existence to make it virtually impossible for that child to grow up as anything other than a killer, and basically never give him the chance to be anything else, then no shit he’s gonna be a killer?? he’s basically never had the choice not to be. it’s never been an option for him. anyways I feel like I am EXPLAINING MYSELF SO BADLY but nonetheless I am prepared to die on this hill

anyway so now Nana is all “that’s a rhetorical question btw because Our Hearts And Minds Are One so we can feel everything you feel bro.” so yeah, that’s interesting

now Banjou is getting started on the “let’s try and talk Deku out of wanting to save Tomura because it’s insane” part of their OFA Mystical Space Void Reunion agenda

look, Banjou, I feel you, I really do. you guys don’t think it’s realistic that Deku can defeat Tomura without killing him. so if it’s a choice between killing Tomura vs letting Deku and everyone else in the entire world die, then duh, you think Deku should kill him. I get it! and if this were a real life mass murderer I’d totally agree with you. but the problem is that this isn’t real life, this is a sympathetic shounen villain with a tragic past who might as well have FUTURE REDEMPTION ARC RECEIPIENT stamped on his forehead at this point

so First is all “look, there’s absolutely no doubt my brother has fucked this kid up good and proper by now”, which, again, fair

though, that’s kind of exactly my point though. everything that Tomura is, everything he’s done, he’s done because of AFO. AFO has so effectively shaped his personality and his worldview by this point that it’s all but impossible to penetrate that. he’s AFO’s puppet. but the problem is that rather than treating him like a victim, you all are treating him like a casualty. like he’s already a lost cause. but good luck trying to convince Deku of that

WHOA WHAT, RANDOM SUPER-IMPORTANT AND BIZARRELY UNRELATED EXPOSITION DROPPED IN JUST LIKE THAT??

way to still not reveal Sixth’s name, btw. THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW, DAMMIT. but also so this confirms something we basically already knew already, which is that not even AFO can steal OFA. it literally can’t be taken away by anyone unless the owner wills it. SO SUCK ON THAT AFO YOU EGG

(ETA: so I have no idea why this was omitted from this translation, but apparently the Sixth’s name was revealed as “En”, which is obviously not his full name but at least it’s something. also he most likely has a fire or smoke-related quirk based on the kanji used, 煙.)

so Banjou is saying that Deku’s “lack of an iron will” could be a disadvantage against AFO. hahaha what?? Midoriya “I’ll break all of my bones without blinking an eye just to protect someone” Izuku lacks an iron will? do tell

he says this is going to be a test of Deku’s determination. well yeah, no shit. but just not in the way you guys think

OH HELLO AGAIN

darker hair again here! but I don’t trust the contrast in these scans at all after last week. his coveralls are way darker than they looked before too, and you can clearly see he’s standing in the shadows now

(ETA: yep, once again the raw shows that his hair is considerably lighter than what’s shown in these scans here. although there’s no mistaking now that his hair is consistently being colored in this slightly darker shade, and it’s not just the lighting.)

anyways lol First was saying something about how AFO can’t steal OFA, and they’ve spent all this time cultivating it as the ultimate weapon against AFO, and blah blah blah. go on then, keep lecturing

NANA GODDAMMIT NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

girl what?? you did everything in your power to protect your family, and AFO, fucked up man that he is, targeted them anyway. there is one person and one person only to blame for what’s happened to Tomura, and that potato-faced asshole needs a good kick in the balls

NANA GODDAMMIT DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE

SO HELP ME GOD!! I WILL GIVE YOU THE BIGGEST HUG YOU’VE EVER HAD!! THAT IS A THREAT

so now Nana is all “I’m just going to call my grandson a Thing to ensure that fandom has only the freshest, grass-fed no-hormones-added discourse this week”

I don’t even need to drop into the tags to know exactly which specific people are going to respond to this, and what kind of posts they are going to write lmao. everyone’s all caught up in the “that thing”, and meanwhile I’m over here completely hung up on this “nay” that’s appeared out of NOWHERE you guys. look at that. she really said “NAY”

Nana, my love, my dearest, I feel you girl I really do. but he’s not an unforgivable manifestation of pure evil, Deku is exactly right actually, he’s a boy in pain. you guys need to stop questioning Deku’s shounen protagonist instincts here and just let him work his sparkly magic. “let’s try and convince Midoriya Fucking Izuku that he can’t save someone” is a plan that is NEVER going to turn out well you guys

“DEKU GODDAMMIT WHAT IF WE CAN’T SAVE HIM” lmao it’s like an intervention

“DAMMIT DEKU JUST ADMIT YOU HAVE A SAVING PEOPLE PROBLEM!”

RED ALERT IT’S ANOTHER CLOSE-UP OF THE BACK OF MISTER TWO BON CLAY’S HEAD OMG

(ETA: I was too distracted with freaking out about Two and Three to really appreciate how ridiculously handsome First looks in this panel. but on my second readthrough it stood out so much that I had to go back and add an extra bullet point just to talk about how hot he is. look at him. wtf.)

THAT IS DEFINITELY AN UNDERCUT. THE PLOT THICKENSSSS. also those are fucking exhaust vents on Mister Three’s neck. MISTER THREE COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO THE IIDAS, PLEASE TELL ME YOUR SECRETS I’M DYING OVER HERE

so now Deku is launching into what will undoubtedly be a “saving people problems require SAVING PEOPLE SOLUTIONS” heroic counter-speech!

I mean, they can already feel the “lol nah I’m gonna try and save him” feelings running through him lol. ~OuR hEaRtS aNd MiNdS aRe CoNnEcTeD~ and all that. this is just a formality, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love a good shounen protag speech

oh wait hold up, do you mean to tell me that the whole “hearts and minds are connected” thing I was just mocking just a paragraph ago actually allowed Deku to feel what Tomura was feeling?? like literally feel it??

YET AGAIN these Tomura feels are pounding on my front door you guys?? they just will not quit?? people my house is already full of feels, does it look like I need you to sell me any more of them?? -- what do you mean, they’re free??

AW YISS THAT’S IT DEKU. THAT’S SOME GOOD SPEECH RIGHT THERE

I appreciate the contrast here between the Douchebag Triumvirate of Overhaul, Muscular, and Stain versus the Misguided Twosome of Gentle and La Brava. never let it be said that Deku doesn’t know the difference between a redeemable villain and an unredeemable one

OH NO -- OH MY GOD

someone please help me I need directions to the OFA Spooky Galactic Nebula Realm in this fictional Japanese manga land. it’s not on google maps. I need to give these two babies a big hug and wrap them up in a blanket and treat them to some McDonalds Happy Meals please help

other things: (1) ENDEAVOR CHILLING OUT IN DEKU’S “PEOPLE I HOLD DEAR” PANEL LMAO NEON DISCOURSE EXTRAVAGANZA, (2) “ONE FOR ALL IS A POWER TO SAVE, NOT TO KILL” I’M ABOUT TO CRY DEKU I LOVE YOU SO MUCH HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO FEEL ALL THIS LOVE, (3) [SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE] THERE’S YOUR MOTHERFUCKING IRON WILL!!!!!!!! -- I’m sorry, please don’t call security, I’ll be good

I just randomly remembered that Deku is still saying all of this in his muffled “FMMPHHMMPHMM” voice and I’m somehow cracking up lol. so actually it’s a very good thing Their Hearts And Minds Are Connected, otherwise they’d no doubt be all, “...what?”

(ETA: so I completely missed this on account of it literally not being visible in the scan at all, but in the raw you can clearly see Baby Kacchan and Baby Shouto fanboying over All Might in two of these panels, and excuse me, ma’am??

thank you very much Deku for including them in your montage, particularly since you’ve never seen Baby Shouto before lol. amazingly accurate image you managed to conjure up, all things considered.)

SDKFJLSKHG -- AS IF ON CUE???

HE’S SO ADORABLE HELP?? Trippy Space All Might looks like he’s about to cry, and First is all “don’t crack a smile... you have to be Firm and Serious here... dammit, don’t smile” omg

anyways! YOU GO DEKU. “MY QUIRK MY RULES, BITCHES” damn, son

KLJLKKHLG TRIPPY SPACE ALL MIGHT LITERALLY ACTUALLY IS CRYING ALL MIGHT HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

“I JUST... [CLENCHES FIST] REALLY LOVE SAVING PEOPLE” FUCKING HELL LMAO THIS IS THE WORST INTERVENTION OF ALL TIME

Deku is literally all “sure, maybe I’ll have to kill him, but have you guys also considered, MAYBE NOT??” it’s no use Nana he’s too powerful

LMAO FIRST

“like I’ve been saying this whole time, you should definitely try saving Shigaraki Tomura.” “but, uh... First, didn’t you just -- ” “shut up”

(ETA: clearly it’s not just his brother who inherited those smooth-talking genes.)

so now Deku has turned back into a sixteen year old and his clothes have gone missing again. just OFA things

dskljdlsklgk

yes... sure... “testing” you...

HEY

FIRST OF ALL, DAMN YOU HORIKOSHI YOU MADE NANA CRY. even if I’m pretty sure they’re actually tears of happiness/relief. and SECOND OF ALL, “TELL MY BOYFRIEND I SAID HI” DJSKDLKJJL ANYWAY MAYBE GRAN, NANA, AND MR. SHIMURA WERE IN A THROUPLE

[SCREAMS]

WHY WOULD YOU END IT THERE?? WHY WOULD YOU END IT THERE!!!!!

(ETA: and two-to-one odds that we cut away to some other scene once they finally start to turn around next week. I’M CALLING IT NOW. giving myself a week to brace myself for the rage.)

fucking hell. well if anyone needs me I will be adding Horikoshi fucking Kouhei to the list of irredeemable villains, peace

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

The Sommelier (Hannibal x Female!Reader) pt. 3

A certain redheaded tabloid journalist tracks y/n down at work. Y/n finds out how persistent she is when she makes her an offer she just can’t refuse. 

Trigger warnings: Christianity, stalking, survivor’s guilt

You made it out alive, and that was more than could be said for some. 

Your consolation prize was a ghastly scar on your hand that you kept bandaged up as to not scare small children. You did get some worker’s comp after all; enough to pay for your medical bills and a little extra to make up for the lost workdays. All things considered, you were the lucky one. Four people lost their lives that day and three more were injured far worse than you. You should have felt grateful to be alive.

But somehow that was even worse. You got a couple stitches and some time off. It wasn’t worth four people’s lives. 

Your therapist explained it to you very gently. You were experiencing a phenomenon known as "survivor's guilt". She encouraged you to join a support group, get outside and familiarize yourself with your new experiences. 

This was good advice and all, but yours was the newest, hottest crime. You couldn't go anywhere without being hounded by reporters looking for whatever details you had somehow left out. Dr. Bloom encouraged you to take some time off work until the media circus died down, but you had bills to pay.

"I feel like there should be some rule about re-opening a restaurant within a week of it being an active crime scene." Charissa observed as she wiped down a table. "If anything, it's a health hazard."

"Are you serious?" You scoffed. You'd been tasked with refilling the salt shakers. Appropriate, because there was plenty of salt to go around. "Demand for this place has never been higher. Everyone wants to see if the blood is still on the carpet."

"Hooray for capitalism." She rolled her eyes. "Are you gonna be okay, [F/N]?"

"'Okay' is a very relative term." You forced a laugh. "I think I can make it through the shift if that's what you're asking."

"Aren't you behind the bar all evening?" She asked.

"Yeah, but that means I'm trapped." You folded your arms. "First thing you see when you walk in is the waitress who survived the- what are they calling him?"

"The Baltimore Butcher." She answered with a voice full of vitriol. "Do you think they ever consider the ramifications of giving literal murderers these weird superhero names? Like, no wonder we get copycats, they treat these guys like celebrities."

"Holy shit, right?!" You slammed the salt shaker down on the table. "Y'know, last night on the news, they used the creep's graduation photo and kept saying that he was a good Christian young man with a lot of prospects."

Charissa stuck out her tongue in disgust. "I saw that. And how he was 'corrupted' by crack cocaine. Once again, blaming a drug that was used to villainize poor Black neighborhoods in the 80's as some kind of corrupting agent."

You nodded furiously. "Instead of understanding that Christianity is a violent imperialist religion that lets violent white men absolve themselves of any guilt."

"And they knew it wasn't crack." Charissa added. "I heard that shit was completely uncut. You know he spent a lot on it."

"And I will say this until the day I am put in the goddamn ground," you tensed up. "The only reason the fucker escaped is because he is white."

"Hey y'all." Another waitress walked in for her shift. "What are we talking about?"

"Cocaine." Charissa answered. “Also white privilege.” 

"Great." She said dismissively. "Hey [F/N], can I scoop up that bar shift? I could really use the tips."

"Madison!" Charissa scolded. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"What?" Madison shrugged and glanced at you. "I didn't get any paid time off. I need the money."

"Was that supposed to be a joke?" Charissa scowled. "Are you seriously joking about her trauma?!"

"It's fine, she can have it." You rolled your eyes, then turned them to Madison. "Just know you're the reason I have survivor's guilt."

"Well now I feel bad." Madison frowned.

"Good." You and Charissa said in unison.

It was sort of comforting to get back to the script. Almost nostalgic. It provided the illusion of normalcy in an incredibly abnormal new reality. 

You approached the first table in Madison’s block, hoping for a new beginning. A young woman with fiery red hair sat alone by the window. 

“Hi!” You greeted, with a smile as genuine as you could muster. “My name is [F/N], I’ll be your waiter tonight.” 

The woman smiled back. “Evening.” 

You couldn’t tell what, but something was off. Perhaps you were trying too hard to force normalcy. Or maybe it was the borderline predatory way the woman was looking at you; like a shark following a trail of blood. Either way, the vibes were rancid. 

“Can I start you off with a drink or is water okay?” You ask. 

“Could I possibly trouble you for a glass of chardonnay?” She asked, lowering her eyebrows. 

“Of course.” You nodded and reached for your pen. 

“Actually,” She corrected herself. “If you could bring a bottle and two glasses, I’m expecting company.” 

“Absolutely.” You scribble the order down on your notepad. “Do you have a preference?” 

She thought for a moment. “Oh, dealer’s choice. Whatever you prefer.” 

You soon returned to her booth with a bottle of your favorite chardonnay and two stemmed glasses. You poured a small bit in one glass to let her taste. 

“You have wonderful tastes.” She complimented, filling her glass. “It’s very delicious.” 

You rocked on your heels. “Would you like to place your order now, or do you want to wait until after your guest arrives?” 

“Actually,” she repeated, filling the other glass. “My guest is already here.” 

She slid the glass across the table and gestured to the other seat. 

You felt stupid, but there was no way to avoid this. You couldn't just not do your job. She cornered you by the confinements of your profession.

"I really can't, I'm on the clock." You said, apologetically. The wine beckoned you. "I'm sorry, maybe another time."

"Oh, bummer." The woman placed her chin in her hand and pouted. "Well, I'm sure there's something that would make your boss look the other way."

She glanced down at your bandaged hand, then met your eyes. "The bandages are a dead giveaway, [F/N] [L/N]."

You then noticed a wire sticking from her pocket. Undoubtedly some kind of recording device. You looked at the ground. "I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave."

"But who will drink all this wine?" She asked, raising her glass.

"Ma'am." Your voice hardened as you tried to bite back an overwhelming rage. "Please leave the restaurant. I'm not going to ask you again."

Your manager, Matthew, passed by. "What's going on here?"

"This waitress is being very rude." The woman complained. "I ordered chardonnay, and she brought me chablis."

"Chablis is a type of chardonnay." You corrected. Even you found it strange that this was the hill you were willing to die on. "She asked for my preference, and I prefer the unoaked varieties."

Matthew looked confused. "Well, she's right."

You gestured to her pocket and he caught on immediately. He narrowed his eyes. "Ma'am, please leave the premises or I'll be forced to call the police."

The woman stood up, rummaged through her pockets and slapped a handful of bills down on the table. She then proceeded to drink both glasses of wine and walk away.

Matthew looked at you apologetically as he collected the bills. "Are you sure you want to be here tonight? I can call in someone to cover for you."

You shook your head and grabbed the bottle by its neck. "No, it's okay. I appreciate the concern but I really just want things to go back to normal."

"Hey!" A woman from the adjacent table called out. You prepared to immediately recant your statement about not going home.

"We like chablis." The woman said, gesturing to herself and her friend.

Her friend joined in. "And if that nosy reporter lady isn't gonna drink it..."

You glanced at Matthew, who shrugged. "Sure. It's yours."

The women exchanged delighted looks as you placed the bottle on their table. Matthew handed you a couple of clean glasses and you began to pour.

"For this wine, I suggest any of our wonderful seafood dishes." You explained, your cheeks stinging with a smile. "It also pairs quite nicely with chicken and game bird."

"Thank you." One of the women said. "If you don't mind, we'd like to take a look at the menu, please."

"Of course." You nodded. "Just flag me down whenever you're ready."

"This is why I put you behind the bar, by the way." Matthew gently scolded you as you collected the soiled glasses.

"Didn't you hear?" You said. "Madison needs the money because we can't all have paid time off."

"You should have come to me first." He sighed. "She has no right to say those things to you."

"Never stopped her before." You shrugged.

"I'll talk with her after the dinner rush." He said. "Just... try not to get cornered tonight, okay?"

"I'll do my best." You answered, flatly. “Because that’s definitely something I can control.” 

The rest of your shift went smoothly, or, as smoothly as could be expected given the circumstances. The nosy reporter was right, your bandage was a dead giveaway. You had to dodge a couple of questions, but most people had enough decorum to know the wound--metaphorical and literal--was still fresh. 

You said goodbye to Matthew and Charissa, collected your things and walked out to your car. You put the key in the ignition, only to find your gas tank was completely empty. You had just filled it that morning. 

You bit back a scream and fought the urge to slam your head against the steering wheel. Throwing the door open, you mentally prepared yourself to either make a long trek to the nearest gas station, or beat someone up.

“Looking for this?” A smug voice said over the cicadas. 

You turned around and saw the nosy reporter from before holding up a canister. A deep, blistering fury overtook your face as you slammed the car door. “You siphoned my fucking gas?” 

 “It’s not like you left me with much choice, [F/N].” She crossed her arms. “You’ll get it back once you answer my questions.” 

You threw your head back in disbelief. “You’re Freddie Lounds, aren’t you?” 

“I see I’m not the only one who does my research.” She said, looking a bit impressed. “How’d you know?” 

“It’s the first thing that comes up when you search ‘unethical crime journalists Baltimore’.” You answered. “There’s a whole flair dedicated to you on the subreddit for murder survivors.” 

Freddie seemed proud of herself. “Need a ride?” 

“I’d rather drive off a cliff.” You said, honestly, before turning around to leave. 

“Where are you going?” She walked after you. 

“To get more fucking gas, you evil bitch.” You shouted back. “Are you gonna follow me to the BP too?” 

“Look, I heard what you were saying to your friend.” She called out. “About white privilege.”

“Yeah,” You rolled your eyes. “It’s the same privilege that allows you to siphon a stranger’s gas and sit in a parking lot all night without getting arrested.”

“And I agree with you.” She hurried to your side, her chunky platform boots clacking against the asphalt. “They did you dirty and they’re shooting themselves in the foot by not listening to you.” 

You turned around and threw up your arms. “Why didn’t you just lead with that?”

“I invited you to sit down over a bottle of wine, did I not?” Freddie chuckled. 

“Cornering me at work is not a gesture of goodwill.” You huffed. “And I actually do want to put my story out there, but all you’re accomplishing by stalking me is guaranteeing you won’t be the one to do it.” 

“Are you really in a position to be that selective?” Freddie smirked and placed all her weight on one hip. 

You groaned. “What?” 

“The Baltimore Butcher is still out there, and you won’t be the hot new victim forever.” She grinned sadistically. “Soon enough, him or some other psycho is going to strike, and your fifteen minutes of fame are up.” 

“Good. Then I can go back to living my life.” You said. 

“But what if his next victim is a Christian?” Freddie grabbed your shoulder. “What if the next person who narrowly avoids getting their throat slashed decides to go on record and say that he doesn’t represent ‘real Christianity’?” 

You went quiet. You hadn’t considered it, but the thought of anyone downplaying his faith as a motivation made your blood boil. You looked into the man’s eyes and saw a person driven to kill for his god. A god he shared with the crusaders, conquistadors and slavers. 

“...but it does. Christians colonized half the planet for--” 

You stopped yourself when you saw Freddie’s smile. 

“You want to get on your soapbox, now’s your chance.” She bit her lip. “Take control of the conversation while you still can.” 

“Fine.” You spat. “I get off work tomorrow at four.” 

Freddie shoved the gas can into your hands. “I’ll see you then.”