#but after seeing her look so sad the cat regrets being mean and reflects on the things she's done for him

[mono-socke]

'Party Hat' but it's Jeremy singing and the SQUIP is the cat

[thebadboyfanclub]

The Sun And Moon (Pete Davidson x Reader)

Heyyyyyy besties! So I'm back with another white boy of the month. I would like to warn you that this will be mentioning Pete's BPD and the reader will be mentioned as somebody that has had traumatic experiences however i am not mentioning what does that imply so don't worry about it. Other than that I hope you enjoy!

Being with Pete was almost a gift and a curse, you were so different yet so alike. The ultimate example of twinflames, the yin and yang. If someone had to describe what you two were like was that (y/n) was like the sun, a warm personality with kindness and such just overall this untouchable beauty from inside and out, also she adores to be under the sun, Pete sometimes found her as she laid on the floor next to her cat just so she can enjoy the warm rays, sometimes she would have her crystals (Pete called them "magic rocks") which Pete found so adorable, also as the weather got warmer she got happier.

Pete was the moon, a little bit more moody, mysterious, yet alluring, he intrigued anyone that was around him. Unlike (y/n) Pete was a night owl, he liked late night drives, staying up all night just smoking weed and watching movies, he liked the silence that the nightfall brought, he felt more at peace with the idea of relaxing and enjoying the darkness that others feared. Many times (y/n) woke up in the middle of the night and found him on her balcony, just sitting there and enjoying the view.

People around them brought up that comparison so much that they even got it as a couples tattoo, (y/n) got the sun behind her ear and Pete got the moon on his left middle finger cause he found it funny. However the curse was that they had to learn how to be around one another, yes they had similarities but they weren't quite the same situations.

Pete was a comedian, (y/n) was an author, both of them had to sometimes sit their ass down and think of something to write, but the circumstances were different. 

"Baby I'm here"

Pete said as he shut the door of (y/n)'s apartment, dropping his pair of keys on the bowl that she had conveniently placed on a piece of furniture right next to her front door. Pete waited for an answer while taking off his shoes, (y/n) liked structure and she was a very neat person, another thing Pete had to learn, he wasn't dirty but he was a tad bit of messy so when he was at her apartment (which basically had become his also) he was careful with how he did things.

Silence greeted him back, he sucked in his teeth as he realized exactly why this was happening. (Y/n) had mentioned that she was writing the second book of her fantasy novel and she was in a bit of a writer's block, she had so many fresh ideas however when it came to writing them down sometimes her mind just wouldn't co operate and she just couldn't get it down in a way that she found right. He left the take out food on the small coffee table and continued to walk towards her bedroom. 

There she was, slightly laying back on her leather chair with her laptop in front of her, just staring at her screen and occasionally pressing a few buttons. The door was somewhat open so he could take a good look at her, her hair was down, she was wearing some shorts and a t-shirt she had accidentally spilled bleach on so now it was a house shirt and no socks, she hated wearing socks. Pete knocked on the semi closed door to get her attention.

"Oh I didn't hear you come in"

"I figured, what are you doing here babe?"

"Regretting my decision on signing the contract for a second book"

She mumbled when Pete approached her and leaned down to press several kisses on her neck and cheeks. (Y/n) smiled and enjoyed the feeling of comfort he brought her before shaking her head and pulling away from him.

"I need to finish this chapter"

"What you need to do is eat, I'm pretty sure you skipped breakfast"

She knew he was right, that's why she didn't respond so she just kept on staring at her laptop screen, hoping that miraculously an idea will come to her head. She deeply appreciated his concern but she felt the pressure of her publicist that called everyday to ask about the book, today was one of the few days she chose to not pick up the phone. Pete once again was met with silence although that didn't stop him from placing his hands on her shoulders to give her a massage.

"Come on sunshine, you can take a break and clear your head"

"Pete I have to write thousands of pages in a short amount of time, it's not just fucking punchlines"

Pete's face made a sour expression at her jab. It did sting a little bit yet he tried to understand that she was just overwhelmed with the responsibility of delivering on time. He took a deep breath before patting her on the head and turning away from her.

"I'll be in the living room"

For some time she felt relieved that he left so she could refocus, however after a few moments when she started to see her reflection on the screen she started to realize what she had done which was awful. She felt so bad that she had to shut down the screen and close her laptop so she wouldn't look at herself, she spoke in such a disregarding manner that she felt disgusted. With tears already clouding her eyes she got up and found Pete watching TV, the take out in front of him and it didn't take long for her to notice that he had bought her favorite making her feel even worse. She stood in front of the TV and Pete looked in her eyes and smiled.

"I'm sorry"

Her voice breaks in the middle of the sentence. Pete's smiled dropped when he saw a year escaping and heard her whimpering voice, he immediately got up from the couch and went to hug her.

"Its okay sunshine"

"No it's not, I didn't mean it I swear"

"I know baby"

"I'm just so… stressed"

She said and let herself relax in his arms as she wrapped hers around his torso, feeling the warmth of his engulf her. His scent went to her nose making her feel safe in his arms as the tears stained his sweatshirt. Pete started rubbing her back to help her let out her emotions, he knew how emotional (y/n) was and he found it cute how she feels like cry no matter what the situation was, she had happy tears, angry tears, sad tears, she saw a dog tears, attending a wedding tears, he didn't mind it though on the contrary he liked that she was able to express her emotions with no fear.

"I understand baby, it did sting a bit though, you know how much I love my work"

"I know, I wasn't thinking when I said it which is wrong"

They had agreed that they wouldn't do the "it's ok" type of shit, they preferred to actually say when something either hurt them or bothered them so they can have clear boundaries with one another, it was one of the best decisions they could have ever made, it was one of the strongest foundations they had for their relationship. (Y/n) looked at him and Pete immediately went to wipe her tears, before pressing a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm sorry"

"I accept your apology. Are you feeling better now?"

"A little bit. Thank you for forgiving me and I will try to do my best to not repeat that behavior"

She responded, her voice now was more steady and clear.  Setting boundaries between them and being clear about the behavior that is acceptable was something they had established early in the relationship, Pete was diagnosed with BPD and (y/n) had trauma from past experiences so they had agreed to see a couple's therapist in order for them to move on with their relationship in a healthy manner, so things like "it's ok" or "you know I didn't mean it that way" were unacceptable, taking accountability for their actions and having the humility to apologize was their key to success.

Pete's smile reappeared and now gave her a kiss on her lips, making (y/n) get a bit of a shiver down her spine. Their kisses always felt so strong, like energy passing through one to the other, it was such a magical experience to them.

"Are we good?"

"Yes, now take a seat and I'll microwave your food"

"Wow, Gordon Ramsey would be so proud of you"

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

[writerman]

For the prompts, could I ask for elbarduil where Bard is a half elf like Elrond but has had to keep it a secret so Thranduil and Elrond don’t know and Bard just kinda forgets to tell them, and then one day after something happens to Bard and he gets hurt, BAM they find out and realize Bard isn’t going to die of old age like they thought, they’re not going to lose him.

I did not mean to write all 2,773 words today but I figured I had kept you waiting long enough for my sorry butt to get some motivation in me to write...

Thank you for sending in the prompt, I truly appreciate it and I very much enjoyed this request and now I want more half-elf Bard.

—————-

“He lost a considerable amount of blood I saw it all,” Elrond began, his eyes scan the courtyard until his gaze fell to Bard who was sat fussing the stable cat. He looked as he always did only tired. “I feared it was the end of him, Thranduil. He was pale and weak, my heart knew he would not see the end of the day…” Elrond’s voice soft now as he relived the memory vividly in his mind. 

Thranduil, however, looked unconvinced as he turned to watch Bard with narrowed eyes. Of course, his entire demeanour and excellent health left Elrond to look a little… off his mark but it was not in the lord to lie. 

“Yes, he truly looks close to death, all that walking and talking and laughing. By the stars, he is on the precipice of life and death. I see it now.” Thranduil received a gentle nudge in the ribs from Elrond and they both shared a smile that slowly dissolved into quiet laughter. 

“I am sure whatever it is Bard will tell us.”

“If he even knows himself.” 

“You are right. It is best that we only remain thankful he is still with us at all.” 

They remained standing under the archway that led from the royal quarters to the courtyard and simply watched as Bard took in the summer sun blissfully unaware that his husbands were inwardly perplexed at his survival. 

It was not until they mentioned his injuries over dinner that night did it occur to Bard that they had no idea he was in fact half-elven just like Elrond. 

Then and there would have been the perfect chance to tell them, to dramatically reveal he hadn’t been human this whole time! 

Cue random gasps of surprise and maybe some applause. 

But the moment was gone before he could even fathom how to word such a thing. Thranduil had changed the subject to Elrond’s subpar wine and a light sprinkling of bickering flavoured the conversation for the rest of the meal.

All thoughts of the accident and Bard’s miraculous recovery had dissipated now, the conversation did not come up again until Thranduil appeared one morning dressed to kill in robes fancier than Bard had ever laid eyes upon before. 

“We are riding to Lothlorien today, will you join us?” Bard, still in his everyday wandering around pretending-not-to-be-king clothes, paled for a moment as his mind raced and his heart started beating faster than a hummingbird’s wing. 

Lothlorien, where his dearest naneth resided. It did open the floor to Bard explaining who he was and it would be easier with his mother there to back him up, even though it was rather unlikely that Thranduil and Elrond would not believe him.

“Yes, I think a trip would be nice. Why are you heading out that way?” He hoped the question was as casual as it should have been. It must have been because Thranduil sighed and gestured vaguely in the direction of Elrond’s voice that floated down the hall. 

“To visit extended family.” 

More than you have any idea about, Bard thought but instead of speaking he merely offered Thranduil a sunny smile that spoke of innocence where there was none. 

With a silent order to change Bard got up and hastily dressed in something more fitting to see Galadriel and Celeborn. Meeting Galadriel was always such a jarring experience though not at all negative… just jarring and she was always so kind to him and not at all surprised that he was aware of elven customs, unlike Elrond and Thranduil had been. 

It would be near 6 hour trip from Rivendell to Lothlorien and Bard found the time passed with the blink of an eye. How long had it been since he had been there to see his mother and how long had Galadriel pretending she had not known he was there? 

Regardless of who did know, he was more aware of who did not and just how they might feel when he suddenly springs it on them that he was not a frail little mortal man they needed to constantly worry about every moment of the day. 

That wasn’t fair, they knew he was strong and capable but there were time Bard forgot just who he was and allowed them to coddle him even if it was only in the slightest of ways. So used to being seen as just any other human living among humans it was easy to carry on as one would. 

And no one had yet commented on how little he had aged only that he looked good and healthy which was enough for him because it was safe and if not a little bit pleasing to hear. 

They were greeted at the gates by Haldir who called for the entry to be opened for their arrival. Bard gave a hearty wave which the elf returned which earned him a few peculiar looks but it didn’t seem to bother Haldir in the slightest. 

“Elrond and I must discuss elven matters, would you like to join us?” Thranduil sounded bored before he’d even attended the meeting and Bard truly felt for him because he knew Thranduil would have preferred to be doing something more interesting than reminiscing about a time so long ago it seemed inconsequential. 

“I shall leave you to your important matters and I will find something to occupy myself with for the time being.” All he wanted to do was get out of his riding gear and drink something cold and sweet to refresh himself before he slunk off to find his mother. 

It would be a pleasant surprise for her to see him and the thought of seeing her joyous smile spurred him on and he set off for the rooms he was usually given when visiting, he was well aware they would already be ready for them. 

“I shall just go on without you then,” Thranduil called out after him and Bard threw a smile over his shoulder his dark gaze meeting with Thranduil’s pale one as they share a fleeting moment of humour before Elrond took the blond’s attention and they strolled in a leisurely manner towards their welcome party. 

It might have been seen as bad manners not to greet Galadriel and Celeborn but he was sure they wouldn’t hold it against him. After all, he was a human and could not possibly manage to ride 6 hours on horseback and then sit talking for hours drinking wine strong enough it could knock out a full-grown cow. 

Once in private Bard stripped over the leather riding gear and smoothed out his shirt and tidied his now wild hair into something more presentable for his naneth. The anticipation of surprising her was unbearable and the jittery excitement inside him had him pacing the room as he tried to cool himself and give himself time to slip out of the guest quarters unnoticed. 

-----

“They do not know about me do they?” Leithriel asked her smoky voice was coloured with humour as she smiled to the point the corners of her eyes crinkled. A true and, almost, delighted smile. 

“No, and it isn’t as though I was trying to hide it from them, it just never came up in conversation and it took me being gravely injured for me to consider that, perhaps, they didn’t ask me about mortality because they were afraid mine was fragile.” Bard had his elbow on the dark polished surface of her living room table with forehead rested in palm as he stared at his own reflection. 

“You surround yourself with sons and daughters that have lives as quick and as wild as a raging sea. I can see why you would not recall your own heritage when I see rarely see you these days.” Leithriel’s smile faded Bard could hear in her voice that she regretted her actions. 

“You belong in Lothlorien. You would never have been happy in Laketown or Dale without Da. And I would not ever ask you to join me there, we both know I won’t be there forever. One day I might even come here for good.” Leithriel arched a brow at him in question, she looked wholly unconvinced by his words and shook her head. 

“You would leave your husbands and come here to live with me?” When she put it like that it did sound embarrassing but it wasn’t what he had meant. 

He sat back in his seat and ran a hand through his hair hoping the action would ease his mind. There was a genuine fear that Thranduil and Elrond would be unhappy even angry with him for hiding this from them. 

While the logical part of his mind told Bard that he was being ridiculous he still couldn’t help but worry that it had been too long and that it would appear as though he had hidden it from them when that really wasn’t the case. 

“You will not settle here if you do not tell them now.” She was right, of course, and she knew it. “Before you go, I had something made for you.” Rising slowly from her seat with grace Bard knew he’d never possess, Leithriel left the room returning moments later with a package wrapped in pretty silvery paper tied with string white string. 

“I had hoped to send this before your next visit but now is a better time than any to give you this. You married so quickly that I was unable to offer this to you for the wedding but I suppose it will do as an outfit for dinner tonight when you are with Galadriel and Celeborn.” There was a quiet sadness in her voice that Bard wanted to ask her about but before he could he was urged by her to open the package. 

Not wanting to argue or delay what seemed to bring her joy Bard unknotted the string and let the paper fall open revealing neatly folded fabric. He set it on the table so he could stand up and when he lifted the first piece from the set it unfolded revealing a striking burgundy outer robe. 

“The first robe your father ever had made for him by elven tailors. He was ecstatic about it, burgundy and black and he cut quite a fine figure in it too, though he soon became a slight bit too round to wear it as he got older. Morvan wanted you to have it, ion nin.” 

His father had never been the kind of man that had been interested in holding onto his possessions and had always favoured skills over things. There wasn’t much left to keep of his father’s after he had died, and his mother had found it too painful to house anything that reminded her of Morvan other than his picture which hung proudly still on the wall of her library. 

“I want to put this on now.” Bard didn’t wait for a response as he strode from the room with the clothing gathered up in his arms. 

The black tunic and leggings fit perfectly and those garments alone made him feel so noble how a king should look. As he slid the outer robe over his shoulders the picture was complete and for a moment Morvan stared back at him instead of Bard’s own reflection. Those same brown eyes and wild wind-ruffled waves of dark brown hair he had been the very image of that man and how he missed him for a moment. 

Returning to the living area Bard felt he could not speak, the air in his lungs held as though trying to stay in the moment for a while longer, to hold the feeling of pride inside him for as long as he could.

“I- my eyes would deceive me I swore on the stars I thought you were your father.” Her eyes shone as she spoke and Bard released the breath from his lungs and crossed the room to embrace his mother in thanks and in comfort. 

When they parted she shooed Bard from her home with a smile but he knew there was still pain there and should he have lingered his appearance would only have made it worse. With a quick farewell, Bard crossed the courtyard and met Thranduil and Elrond as they left their quarters to go in search of him. 

“Oh my, we leave you to your own devices and suddenly you have a sense of style that may even rival Thranduil’s?” Elrond leaned in to press a soft kiss to Bard’s cheek in greeting and apology for leaving him so long. 

The sun had set and the warm evening lay before them with the song of night birds drifting through the trees. 

“Where did you go to find such clothing. This is the finest tailoring I’ve seen you ever wear and it has the Lothlorien style stamped all over it.” Thranduil slid a hand around Bard’s waist his excuse was to inspect the quality of the fabric but he was definitely just admiring how well it was shaped to his body. 

“This is the perfect moment to tell you that my mother gave it to me.” His bright and airy response was certainly out of character and certainly put on but rather than question the tone of voice both Elrond and Thranduil share a quick look before allowing Bard to continue. 

“My mother lives here and this was my father’s robe she said he wanted me to have it. Which means, as I am sure you worked out in no time at all, I am half-elven.” Had his heart ever beat so fast in his life? 

Silence.

More silence. 

“We know. We realised rather quickly when you were near death and recovered in record time from something that would have killed any normal man.” Thranduil drawled yet he tempered the tone with a smug smile, his hand still planted on Bard’s waist. 

“However, we were not aware of which parent was elven and if they were still alive,” Elrond added as he moved to Bard’s other side. “What we do know is that we are so very relieved you felt comfortable to tell us this and that you will be with us far longer than we could have ever imagined.” 

Bard felt himself visibly relax as he was led back into the guest quarters. What could have been a tense and uncomfortable moment was breezed through leaving Bard with little to worry about though, there was something else on his mind. 

“You know, it is all well and good me being elven and all but you do still have to meet my mother and she still has to like you.” 

The sound of wine being poured into goblets punctured the silence before Thranduil scoffed.

“I’ve not met anyone who does not like me.”

“Do you enjoy saying such ridiculous things to those that know you intimately?” Elrond queried taking Thranduil’s goblet of wine from the blond’s and handing it to Bard before Thranduil could even begin to take a sip. 

“Your reputation precedes you, meleth. You are a ray of light to us but from the outside looking in you may be seen as, ah, tad wintry upon first meeting.” It was a gently as Elrond could put it without dancing around the words and Bard was so wonderfully entertained by it all. 

“What he’s trying to say is, sometimes Thran you can really be a bi-” His words were cut off as a cushion hit him in the face. 

“Alright, alright, I am quite aware of what you are trying to tell me. It just seems to me that there is nothing to worry about. I am charisma personified when I need to be.”

“Well, I have never once witnessed that.” Elrond quipped now taking the second goblet Thranduil had poured. 

“You don’t seem concerned about meeting his mother, why are you the embodiment of calm?” Thranduil questioned now crossing the room to pour his drink out of reach of nabbing hands. 

“Oh, I am not calm. I am positively terrified but at the same time, I had to meet Galadriel and Celeborn once upon a time. I sincerely doubt it can be any worse than that.” 

Maybe not but Bard was not going to let them know, either way, it was far more interesting to see them suffer the unknown. Both of them never knowing when Bard might spring a meeting on them and leaving them wholly unprepared. 

The trip to Lothlorien was truly not a wasted one.

[wiypt-writes]

Stark Spangled Banner

Ch30: Winter Is Here

Summary: In the wake of the UN Bombing, Steve, Katie and Sam (with help from Sharon) track Bucky to Bucharest and face a race against time to track him down before the CTU. But someone else is also following Bucky, someone who’s been one step ahead and the consequences are disastrous.

Warnings: Bad Language words.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

A/N: Elements of this have been reworked/rewritten…for reasons which will become apparent at some point!

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Katie Stark and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Chapter 29 Part 2

Stark Spangled Banner Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Bucky liked Bucharest. It was easy enough to blend in and he’d found work at a local Warehouse easily enough. It was no questions asked, cash in hand and no trail. Perfect. Physical labour didn’t bother him, neither did taking the nightshifts which no one else seemed to want. It meant he could sleep most of the days and emerge later at night meaning he had even less people to encounter and deal with. Not that it really mattered, no one really bothered him apart from the Old Lady that lived a few floors down. Bucky often did odd jobs for her, just like he had used to for the old couple that lived across from his parents in Brooklyn before the war.

Since arriving in Europe in September last year, his life had been pretty peaceful. His memories had started to flash back almost the instant he wasn’t re-wiped by HYDRA, but they were random, non-chronological, so he had started writing them in a notebook along with other snippets and facts he found along the way which helped him piece together the parts of the puzzle that was his life. He knew his name, his date of birth, who his parents were, his siblings, Steve- his brother-from-another-Mother, the Howling Commandos, Steve’s wife- Katie,  his ‘death’ and then… well, that bit he tried not to remember on purpose.

He felt better, like himself, and had on more than one occasion thought about reaching out to Steve. But the thing was, even though he’d now been out of HYDRA control for over two years, he knew that what they had done to him or put in his head was still there, and he didn’t want to give anyone the chance to find out the hard-way or give them chance to lock him up like some lab rat. So he had decided it was best to stay off radar.

Pulling his cap down a little, he headed over to his favourite fruit store for some plums. He remembered what a treat they had been back before the war, and he enjoyed the fact they were so readily available now. He reached out with his flesh hand to gently test one. 

“How are they? Are they good?” He asked the vendor in Romanian who nodded to him, smiling “Okay. Give me six, thank you”

With his bag of fruit he walked along, casually scanning around as he ate. And then, across the street, he spotted a vendor at a news-stand watching him. Bucky glanced away hastily then looked back at the man who was still watching him before he suddenly turned and ran from his kiosk. With a sick feeling in his stomach,  Bucky made his way over and picked up a paper reading the front page which contained a number of surveillance-photos and the head line: ‘Winter Soldier cautat pentru Bombardmentul din Viena’. 

A cold feeling washed all over him and he glanced around, swallowing thickly. 

He might have struggled with his memory in the past but he could categorically say this wasn’t one of those times. This wasn’t him, granted it looked like him, but it wasn’t.

Shit, he needed to hide.

Pulling his cap down further, jacket pulled up round his neck he set off home.

****** Having your own private plane certainly has its perks. Katie, Sam and Steve made their way to Vienna and from there, after being given a lead from Sharon, they headed to Bucharest. Steve and Sam had brought all their equipment whereas Katie had opted to simply pack her cat suit and utility belt as they weren’t anticipating any action.

A decision she was starting to regret now.

“Nice place.” Katie commented sarcastically, pulling at the neck of her leather cat-suit as they entered the old rundown apartment that Bucky Barnes now called home. Steve ignored the comment before he carefully closed the door behind them. The two of them ventured further into the small darkened apartment, the windows had been taped over with old newspapers keeping out most of the sunlight and prying eyes. Steve’s shield caught a few of the spots of light which were creeping through tears and gaps in the paper, sending reflections onto bits of the apartment walls. The bedroom and the living area were one, a tattered mattress placed just beneath the window a small desk and lamp next to it. Across from the bed near the entrance was a metal table with two chairs next to it, then there was the kitchen area and a door, which Katie headed through, gun at the ready, finding nothing but a small, grimy and empty bathroom.

She couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of sadness in her gut that the man who had saved her life, a war veteran, was living like this.

Steve took to looking around the kitchen and had found a notebook of sorts with tabs of varying colours sticking out from amongst the pages. As he flicked through he found a leaflet on the Smithsonian Captain America exhibit.

"Heads up guys, German Special Forces approaching from the South.” Sam’s voice came through the coms.

“Understood.” Steve replied gently, replacing the leaflet in the page he had found it, fingers lingering on the paper. He looked up at Katie as she re-entered the room.

“Nobody’s home.” She said softly. “What you got there?” “It’s a journal.” Steve said, “He’s been writing down memories and-“

He stopped dead as a movement crossed his peripheral and his head jerked up. Over his wife’s shoulder he locked eyes with Bucky for the first time since that day over the Potomac. Katie, noticing his demeanour, glanced over her shoulder and instantly spun round to see Bucky watching the pair of them with a cautious sort of curiosity.

“Do you know me?” Steve asked carefully, setting the book he was flipping through down on the cluttered counter. He moved in front of Katie slightly, keeping himself between her and his best friend who was stood stock still, eyeing them up.

“You’re Steve,” Bucky said roughly, “I read about you in a museum.”  He added immediately, nodding to himself. 

Play dumb, Bucky, play dumb…

“They’ve set the perimeter.” Sam spoke in their ears.

“I know you’re nervous, and you’ve got plenty of reason to be, but you’re lying.” Steve spoke calmly, not believing him for a second. He could always tell when Bucky was lying, even as kids he wouldn’t look you in the eye fully, and now wasn’t any different.

“I wasn’t in Vienna. I don’t do that anymore.”  Bucky’s voice wavered slightly, almost pleading with them to believe him. And instantly Katie did.

“They’re entering the building. “ Sam urged. 

“Well, the people who think you did are coming here now.” Katie took a small step forward so that she was slightly in front of Steve. “And they’re not planning on taking you alive.”

 “That’s smart. Good strategy.” He looked at her, cocking his head to one side as he studied her. She was oozing confidence, are far cry from the broken, shattered woman he had rescued last year, and she didn’t seem afraid of him. Which he liked but also didn’t because it meant they weren’t going to just let him slip away.

“They’re on the roof. I’m compromised!”

“This doesn’t have to end in a fight ,Buck.” Steve pleaded desperately while Bucky simply walked over to the table set down his plastic bag and pulled off his glove to reveal his metal hand.

“It always ends in a fight.” He said balling the metal into a fist, his voice lilted with sadness.

“Five seconds.”

“You pulled me from the river and you saved Katie’s life that day in La Ronde.” Steve’s voice took on an urgent tone, almost shouting. “Why?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky replied in frustration finally looking up at Steve and locking eyes with him before he glanced to Katie. Truth be told he did know. That day on the Potomac something had broken his programming, and when Steve had plunged to the river he had known he had to save him, because he had been saving him all his punk-assed life. And then with Katie, well, even before he had recognised her he couldn’t leave a dame to the mercy of HYDRA, not after what they did to him. It was wrong…his ma taught him better.

“Three seconds.”

“Yes you do.” Steve responded,

“Breach, breach, breach!” Came the yell into their earpieces.

Both Steve and Katie looked towards the window prompting Bucky to do the same and in the next second a flash bomb was thrown through, Steve batted it right back out with his shield and then a second bomb came through the other window. Bucky booted it towards Steve who dropped and covered it with his shield, containing the blast. All three of them looked at one another for a split second before a loud bang sounded as the door rattled. Katie quickly kicked the edge of the table so that it wedged between the door and the wall blocking the German Forces entrance for now.

Whilst she was distracted with that, a final bomb was thrown and Bucky lifted up the dirty mattress using it as protection for them both. She nodded to him gently as he tossed it away and then came the soldiers on zip lines through the window. The first landed in the kitchen, training his gun first on Steve, then across towards Bucky, but before he could shoot Steve pulled the rug from beneath him and he ended up firing into the ceiling. The next came in through the window right next to Bucky but he punched him in the face, throwing him over to Katie who aimed a kick at his arm, knocking the gun out of it before kicking him again in the chest, sending him sprawling into the bathroom. Bucky picked the third soldier up easily and slammed him into the wall, letting him fall down.

“Buck, stop! You’re gonna kill someone.” Steve ran forward, but Bucky easily dodged him and slammed into him from behind, knocking him to the floor.

“I’m not gonna kill anyone!” He growled, punching a hole into the floor. He grabbed a backpack from under the floorboards and threw it across the room and out of the window. Then came more gun fire and Katie dropped to the floor, rolling to her right and firing a shot in the direction of the shooting hearing a yell as her bullet hit her target in the knee. Steve, again, flung his shield up and Bucky shoved him hard in the back sending him flying into another solider, taking him down. Katie scrambled to her feet again unable to do anything but watch as Bucky punched a hole through the wall next to the door before bashing it open and continuing to fight his way out.

“You alright?” Steve asked, as she dusted herself off.

“This isn’t exactly going to plan is it?” She shook her head as they ran out of the door just in time to see Bucky jump on a soldier who was descending from a zip wire and swinging down a level in the stairwell of the apartment block. One of the soldiers was screaming into his radio. Steve grabbed it from him, then smashed it with his foot before he jumped down a level after Bucky. Katie, took the sensible option and ran down the stairs, taking out anyone blocking her way.

Bucky was punching soldiers left and right until he ducked as he hit another accidentally sending him over the railing, but Steve was quick to catch him by his vest.

“Come on man,” He sighed wearily. Bucky’s only response was a shrug which he emphasized by elbowing a soldier that was behind him, while Steve pulled up the one he was holding onto and tossed him into a wall. Bucky jumped over the railing down several flights but by the time Steve caught up with him he had dodged into an apartment and jumped from the railings

“Damned it!” Steve cursed as he watched Bucky land on the lower roof of the neighbouring building with some force, but he simply rolled as if the fall hadn’t bothered him at all, picked up his backpack and ran.  But he didn’t get far, a muscular man clad entirely in black slammed into him from behind knocking him down.

“Sam southwest rooftop.” Steve suddenly reported to Sam as he watched the man in the black suit, which looked very much like a big cat moved with breath-taking agility and grace, slashing with sharp claws on each hand as he tackled Bucky.

“Who the hell’s the other guy?” Sam asked Steve on the coms.  

“I’m about to find out.” Steve backed up before he too launched himself from the balcony down onto the neighbouring building. Katie ran into the apartment just in time to see him land on the other roof-top and she frowned at the mystery man in some form of cat suit who was lunging at Bucky with his claws. Bucky grabbed his wrists holding him off but at that moment a helicopter that had appeared began to fire its machine gun. Both Katie from her vantage point, and Steve who was bolting towards the men, frowned as he saw the ammo ping back off the man’s suit just like it did off his shield.

“Sam…” Katie said as Steve continued to run towards Bucky, shield raised. Sam understood what she was implying instantly.  

“Got him.” He replied, flying down he spun under the chopper, grabbing the rails at the bottom, spinning it off course before swooping off. As Katie continued to watch Bucky leapt off the side of the roof to the floor, and the mystery cat man followed using his claws for traction down the side of the building. Steve was shortly behind, rolling along the floor before picking himself up and running after the pair of them, Sam flying behind. Then, the helicopter began to follow, gunfire tearing up the side walk.  

“Shit.” Katie ran down and emerging into the street, sprinting as fast as she could. Spotting an abandoned motorbike which had been ditched in the fracas she hopped on and sped after them, mentally thanking Natasha for the bike driving lessons.

It was chaos, absolute chaos. Bucky jumped down through a gap into the underpass, Steve and the mystery cat man following, as they themselves were being pursued by an armoured vehicle. Well, at least they were until Steve managed to pull the driver out and take the vehicle himself. He saw a motorbike coming up behind him in the mirrors and did a double take as he saw it was Katie. She pulled up alongside him and with one hand she grabbed the passenger door and yanked it open, before placing both her hands on the rim of the door and using it as leverage to swing herself feet first into the car.

“Where did you learn to do that?” Steve asked, open mouthed as she dropped into the seat next to him.

“Nat.” She shrugged, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to do or be taught. Steve gave a small smirk and then turned to look back at the road, switching lanes and cruising past mystery cat man.  Then there was a thud and Katie glanced back over her shoulders. Mystery cat man had latched himself onto the back of the car.

“Hold on!” Steve yelled before swerving the car to the right then the left hoping to dislodge him but no such luck. He even rammed the side of the car into another Special Forces vehicle but nothing, he hung tight.

“Sam we can’t shake this guy.” Steve reported.

“Right behind you.”

In front of them Bucky jumped the barrier to the other side of the road so Steve dropped the car a gear and pressed harder on the gas, breaking straight through it. A quick glance through the mirrors told Katie that it was enough to slow down the Germans but not to dislodge their passenger.

“This guy is more of a pain in the ass than Tony.” Katie sighed, turning back to look out of the front. Just as she did, Bucky clearly decided he needed his own mode of transportation and grabbed the handle bars of a motorbike which was speeding towards him. He dislodged the driver in mid-air while the bike spun and threw his leg over the seat all in one fluid motion. He then landed and sped away.

“Holy shit!” Katie let out a small laugh of disbelief, her jaw dropping slightly as she smirked at Bucky’s unbelievable display of acrobatics. “Did you see that?”

Steve looked at her for a split second, taking in the smirk on her face as she admired Bucky’s agility, surprised to feel he was slightly jealous. With a sigh, more at himself than anything, he shook his head. That insecure little kid from Brooklyn really had picked the most inappropriate time to appear. It didn’t help when she spoke again, a cheeky lilt to her voice.

“Can you do that?”

Steve shot her a glare that would make anyone else shake in their boots but it made Katie do nothing but frown at the open display of hostility he very rarely used on her. Before she could respond, however, there was a thud on the roof as mystery cat man climbed on top of the car and then launched himself at Bucky. The soldier on the bike was prepared though, and grabbed him around the throat, flinging him over his head. But the mystery cat man was persistent, hanging on even as the bike tipped and Bucky was forced to use his metal hand so that he didn’t fall off the bike completely. He kicked the cat man away before straightening his bike and speeding ahead.

Steve swerved to avoid running mystery cat man over while he caught other means of transportation, meaning he grabbed onto Sam’s legs as he was flying by. Ahead of them Bucky threw a sticky bomb at the top of the overpass which immediately went off and began raining down debris.  

“Time to go.” Steve grabbed Katie as he slammed on the breaks turning the car sharply. He pulled her out of the door, using his shield to land on as the car began to tilt on its side. They dodged through the rubble, Steve’s shield over their heads and once they were clear, Steve sped off to where the cat man was mounted on top of Bucky ready to rip his throat out.

Sam emerged from the dust but seconds later there was loud clang and War Machine landed holding up his hand with repulsor beams at the ready in warning. More German Special Forces arrived and they knew the game was up. But Steve and Katie both looked at each other, chests heaving with exertion and dare they say it, relief. They had located Bucky after years of searching, he was still alive and could be questioned, which meant there was a chance they could clear all this up.

Steve felt Bucky step forward, and he instantly held his arm out to stop him. .

“Stand down now.” Rhodey spoke with authority and the Special Forces aimed their guns at them all. Steve relented placing his shield onto his back harness showing compliance as he held his hands up, palms outwards.

“Congratulations Cap, you’re a criminal.” Rhodey said sarcastically. As soldiers surrounded Bucky forcing him down to his knees so they could hand cuff him tightly.

Katie and Sam raised their hands in surrender as the soldiers approached them too. The mystery cat man was the last to comply retracting his claws and reaching up to his helmet.

“Call them off Rhodey.” Katie looked at him, nodding to the soldier who had his gun trained on her “We’ll come quietly.”

Rhodey turned to look at her and then nodded at the officer, who lowered his gun, but that didn’t stop them from handcuffing her. As she shot a look over her shoulder at the man who was slapping on the restraints she gave him a small smirk and then turned back to look at mystery cat man, just as he pulled off his mask.

“What the…” Katie frowned, recognising him instantly. It was T’Challa, the prince of Wakanda.

“Your highness.” Rhodey said.

There was a scuffle to Katie’s right and she turned to see that Bucky was being hauled to the floor.

“Don’t hurt him.” She turned to Rhodey, pleading with him. “Please. He saved my life, he’s still a human being!”

Rhodey hesitated slightly but then one of the soldiers shoved Katie in the back.

“Move.” he said in a thick accent.

“Say please.” She spun round, glaring at him. “Fucking asshole.”

“Katie.” Steve instructed gently as he walked towards her, being marched by two other soldiers. She turned to him and he gave a small shake of his head, warning her not to start another fight, before he nodded towards the black SUV.

“You know what the worse bit about all this is?” Katie sighed, as she fell into step beside Steve.

Steve looked at her, “No, what?”

“The lecture I’m going to get off Tony.”

One they had been stripped of their weapons and gear they were released from their handcuffs. Rubbing her wrists, Katie raised an eyebrow at Rhodey.

“Now what?” 

“You’ll be given chance to change and clean up before going to Berlin,” Rhodey said, as the side of the SUV they were by opened and they were instructed to climb in. “Where you’ll be put into the custody of the Anti-Terrorism Unit.”

“So we’re terrorists now?” Katie snorted.

“You knew what would happen if you went against the law.”

She gave a sarcastic, fake yawn and behind her Sam sniggered before he looked at Rhodey

“This make you feel good?” Sam asked.

“Okay, enough!” Steve loudly shut down the petty squabble that was about to erupt between the two men “Yes, Rhodey we knew what would happen, but we also knew what would happen if we didn’t.”

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?”

“That you would never have taken him alive.” He nodded to where Bucky was being hauled into the back of a separate vehicle. “And you know that too.”

******

“So you like cats?”

“Sam.” Steve scolded as Katie snorted, looking out of the window of the SUV as they drove over a bridge that crossed the River Spree. T’Challa was on the front row of the SUV alone, then Steve and Katie had sat on the middle, Sam on the back row.

“What?” Sam asked innocently. “Dude shows up dressed like a cat and you don’t wanna’ know more?”

Katie was inclined to agree, Steve however, was curious about something else.

“Your suit. It’s Vibranium?” He asked in interest.

“The Black Panther has been the protector of Wakanda for generations.” T'Challa began slowly. “A mantle passed from warrior to warrior. And now because your friend murdered my father, I also wear the mantle of king. So I ask you, as both warrior and king, how long do you think you can keep your friend safe from me?”

T'Challa turned his head to look Steve directly in the eye then turned back around without another word as Steve clenched his jaw.

They arrived at the CIA base in Berlin in record time thanks to the police convey that kept the streets clear. The base was crawling with heavily armed soldiers as they stepped out of the van and were led inside. Katie shrugged on her leather jacket, pausing as Bucky’s cage followed them being moved by a small forklift. Besides her Steve stiffened as he looked over at Bucky and Katie gently placed her hand on at the bottom of his back. Bucky looked at the pair of them before he turned away as he was taken off in a separate direction.

After an introduction of sorts to Thaddeus Ross (Sharon’s boss) they were informed their weapons would be placed in a lock up, prompting Sam to snarl angrily- “I better not look out the window and see anybody flying around in that.” They were then led over a walkway and Katie looked past Ross and saw a familiar redhead walking towards them. Natasha’s face was blank as she strode down the walkway.

“For the record.” She snapped as she looked at the three of them in turn before she focussed on Steve. “This is what making things worse looks like.”

“He’s alive.” Steve answered shortly, not looking at her as he walked past, his jacket flapping slightly, pulling Katie with him as his hand wrapped around hers.

Natasha just glared at him before she walked quicker, pulling ahead of the group as they reached a large security office. Natasha led the way in, and Katie instantly picked up as she could hear Tony’s voice from inside,

“The remaining of us are now at court-section.” He was saying. And as they entered she saw her brother standing in the centre of the office, talking into his phone with his back to the door as he added, “And, Colonel Ross is supervising the clean-up.”

Despite everything Katie felt a rush of relief, it good to see him, alive and okay after Vienna.

“Try not to break anything while we fix this.” Natasha snapped and Katie’s attention then turned from her brother to her friend and she shook her head.

“Ass kissing doesn’t suit you, Nat.”  

Tony turned to face them all, his face set in a deep frown as he barked into his phone, pulling at his tie to loosen it off. "Consequences? You bet there will be consequences.”

Steve raised his eyebrows slightly, glancing at Katie who rolled her eyes before she looked at Tony as he continued to talk “Obviously you can quote me on that because I just said it. Anything else? Thank you, sir.”

As he placed his phone back into his pocket, his eyes never left his sister. “You okay?” He asked and she nodded, stepping forwards into his arms, giving him a hug which he returned.

"Consequences?” Steve repeated with a smirk as Tony looked over Katie’s shoulder at him.

“Secretary Ross wants you three prosecuted.” Tony answered, stepping back and releasing Katie. “I had to give him something.” He added.

“I’m not getting that shield back, am I?” Steve asked in an almost monotone voice.

“Technically, it’s the government’s property.” Natasha replied cheerily. “Wings too.” She added.

“That’s cold.” Sam countered

“Warmer than jail.” Tony tossed over his shoulder, as he headed off somewhere.

“Stop being so melodramatic.” Katie rolled her eyes, and stuck her hands in the back pockets of her jeans as Natasha led them to an office, talking to them as she went, telling them about what had been going on. They walked in silence, none of them responding. Eventually they reached a glass walled office and stepped inside.

“You’re not in a very talkative mood I can see.” Natasha drawled as Katie dropped her jacket over the back of a chair.

“Hmmm what can we talk about? Let’s see.” Katie looked at her, her face angry. “Oh how about the Accords?” Natasha rolled her eyes as Katie continued with a tone of disdain. “You know, I never had you down as someone that would give in so easily to control.”

“Well sometimes we have to make some tough choices.”

“Why’d you really sign, Nat?“ Steve asked her.

She sighed leaning back on the door frame. “Loyalty. Loyalty to our team. Staying together is more important than how we stay together.”

Steve shook his head, giving a small snort of laughter. “I don’t agree, and deep down, I don’t think you do either.”

“Believe what you want.” She shrugged before leaving.

About half an hour later after the three of them had been brainstorming again who they thought was actually responsible for bombing the UN and trying to fit Bucky up (none of them having any sensible ideas whatsoever), Sam excused himself heading off in search of some food and drink and it wasn’t long before Tony walked into the office were Katie and Steve were sat, Katie’s feet resting in Steve’s lap, his hand sliding up the bottom of her jeans, stroking the smooth skin just above the line of her ankle boots.

“You wanna see something cool?” He asked. Katie and Steve both turned to look at him as he walked in, holding a small black case. “I pulled something from Dad’s archives.” He nodded, “Timely.”

Katie sat up as Tony tossed his suit jacket onto one of the empty seats before he opened the box and placed it down on the shiny, mahogany table in front of Steve.

"FDR signed the Land-Lease bills with these in 1941.” Tony explained what they were. “Provided support to the allies when they needed it the most.”

“Some would say it brought our country closer to war.” Steve countered, a humourless smile on his face as he looked back up at Tony.

Tony met Steve’s eyes evenly and countered with his own point, “See, if not for these, you wouldn’t be here.” Steve’s brow rose, while Tony continued, “I’m trying to, what do you call it? An olive branch. Is that what you call it?

He looked at Steve, leaning his face against his fist as he waited expectantly. Steve pursed his lips unhappily and Katie knew he was struggling and couldn’t tell Tony what he wanted to hear because he didn’t believe in it.

"Is Pepper here?” Katie asked, switching topics as she glanced around the office then added, “I didn’t see her.”

She looked back at Tony as a strange almost regretful look came over his face. Her brows furrowed in confusion as Tony said slowly, measured, “We are… kinda, well not kinda-”

“Pregnant?” Steve interrupted in surprise.

“No, definitely not.” Tony said immediately face souring slightly. He paused, before finally admitting the truth, “We’re taking a break. It’s nobody’s fault.”

“I’m so sorry, Tony.” Steve spoke softly as Katie looked at her brother, who took a seat at the table “I didn’t know.”

“What did you do this time?” Katie asked gently. She hated it when they rowed and broke up. It never lasted long but still…

Tony’s lips twitched like he was going to smile but didn’t, “Few years ago, I almost lost her, so I trashed all my suits. Then, we had to mop up HYDRA. And then Ultron,” he tapped himself in the chest, “my fault.” He sighed again. “And then, and then, and then- I never stopped. Cause the truth is, I don’t wanna stop but I don’t want to lose her. I thought maybe the Accords could split the difference.”

“In her defence, you are a handful.” Katie said, the corner of her mouth twitching upwards.

Tony smiled without it reaching his eyes as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, pacing a little by the glass walls, before he reached up to adjust his tie as he continued bitterly.

“Yet, dad was a pain in the ass, but he and mom always made it work.”

“You know, I never expected Howard would get married.” Steve said, fondly remembering his friend with a smile “Mind you, I only knew him when he was young and single.”

“Oh really?” Tony asked sarcastically as he looked back at Steve. “You two knew each other? He never mentioned that. Maybe only a thousand times.”

Steve winced, dropping his head and while Tony picked up his suit jacket. “God, I hated you.” He spat pulling the jacket on.

“That’s a dick thing to say, Tone!” Katie frowned, narrowing her eyes at her brother.  

Steve sighed, and he looked back at Tony with sad eyes, “I don’t mean to make things difficult.”

“No, you just dropped into my life and married my sister.” Tony snorted “But you’re a very polite person. I mean you asked first.”

“That’s enough.” Katie chastised as Tony walked behind Steve, pacing a little. Steve turned to keep his eyes on him as he sighed

“If I see a situation pointed south, I can’t ignore it. Sometime I wish I could.”

“No, you don’t.” Tony challenged

Steve paused, before he admitted with a small, wry smile shaking his head a little, “No, I don’t.” He sighed, “Sometimes-”

“Sometimes I wanna punch you in your perfect teeth.” Tony interrupted bitterly. He shrugged like it was a fact, before he added softly, “but I don’t wanna see you gone. We need you, Cap.”

Steve stared at Tony as he considered his words, Katie observing the two of them silently as Tony continued “So far, nothing’s happened that can’t be undone, if you just sign.” He gestured at the pens, “We can make the last twenty-four hours legit. Barnes gets transferred to an American psych centre instead of a Wakanda prison.”

Steve stared at the pens, weighing Tony’s words before he reached out, pulling one slowly from its holder. Tony folded his arms across his chest as Steve stood up playing with the pen in his hands.

“I’m not saying it’s impossible,” he took a deep breath, “but there would have to be safeguards, what do you think, Sweetheart?” He looked at Katie. He was trying here, after everything, to reach the middle ground. He didn’t want to see the Avengers split up and the opportunity of keeping Bucky out of jail and safe was one he couldn’t pass up.

Katie looked at him, searching his face. She hadn’t been completely opposed to some form of sanctions after all, what she had opposed vehemently was a set being force upon them which gave them no control. But maybe, as Steve pointed out, with some amendments, perhaps they could make this work.

“We need to be able to have some control Tony, a say in where we go, when we go and why we go.” Katie eventually looked at her brother. “We’re not to be used as some pawns in a political game, for anyone’s agenda.”

“Sure.” Tony was quick to assure. “Once we put out the PR fire, its documents, they can be amended.” Tony sat back down at the table “I’d file a motion to have you and Wanda reinstated and-.“

"Wanda?” Katie cut him off and looked at him. “What about Wanda?”

“She’s fine.” Tony promised, although wariness leaked into his tone because he knew he had just put his foot in it. “She’s confined in the compound currently. Vision’s keeping her company.”

“Oh God, Tony!” Katie groaned and threw her head backwards in exasperation and disbelief.

At the same time Steve scoffed and shook his head. “Every time. Every time I think you’re seeing things the right way-”

"What?” Tony cut in, “It’s a hundred acres with a lap pool. It’s got a screening room. Trust me, there’s worse ways to protect people.”

“Protection?” Steve repeated, his temper rising. “Is that how you see this? This is protection? It’s internment.”

“She’s not a US citizen-” Tony spoke loudly while Steve and Katie groaned again

“Oh, come on, Tony!”  Katie shook her head, looking at him.

“- and they don’t grant visas to Weapons of Mass Destruction.” Tony finished taking a deep breath

“Wanda’s a kid!” Steve spat out.

“Give me a break!” Tony shouted back angrily.

Katie’s eyes narrowed furiously, but Tony took another deep breath as he visibly tried to calm himself down,

“I’m doing what has to be done,” He paused to look Steve in the eye before he turned to his sister and finished flatly. “To stave off something worse.”

She shook her head and grit her teeth, there was no discussing with him when he was like this, and if he couldn’t see that keeping Wanda on house arrest because she hadn’t signed was wrong then she didn’t really want to discuss it with him anyway.  "You keep telling yourself that.” She answered.

"Hate to break up the set.” Steve dropped the pen back down onto the desk before he left the office.

Katie groaned and banged her head on the desk.

“Kiddo…”

“Just don’t.” She replied, not looking up. “Don’t say a word Tony, you’ve already said enough.”

****

“The receipt for your gear.”  Sharon walked into the room, handing Sam a piece of paper.

Sam took the paper, glancing down at it. “'Bird costume’? Come on, girl.” He spat incredulously reading the receipt.

“I didn’t write it.” Sharon shot back and Katie raised a brow as she watched the woman, noticing her movements, before she reached past Sam and pressed a button in the middle of the conference table. Instantly the audio from the footage they were watching of Bucky’s questioning flooded the room and Steve looked at Sharon in surprise and she nodded back to him. Katie also gave her a look of appreciation as well and Sharon averted her eyes beyond the conference room. Katie followed her gaze and saw Natasha looking furtively over her shoulder. Katie nodded to Nat, understanding instantly she’d had a hand in this. Nat inclined her head slightly before she turned back around to watch her own set of screens.

“I’m not here to judge you. I just want to ask you a few questions. Do you know where you are, James?” The man in the cage gave no response so the doctor tried again. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me, James.”

“My name is Bucky.” Bucky answered voice rough, a hint of defiance in his tone.

Steve’s lips pursed, and he turned back to the table with a frown. He picked up the discarded file, pulling out the Vienna security camera photos that showed the man the task force identified as Bucky from near the bomb site.

“Why would the task force release this photo to begin with?” Steve asked handing the picture over to Katie, as she perched on the table beside him.

Sam frowned, while Sharon shrugged and answered the best way she could, “Get the word out, involve as many eyes as we can?”

“Right.” Steve said flatly nodding but it wasn’t enough for him. Katie cottoned on instantly.

“It’s a good way to flush a guy out of hiding. Set off a bomb, get your picture taken.” She shrugged and Sam’s eyes narrowed as he leaned forward on his arms, while Steve continued for her.

“Suddenly you’ve got seven billion people looking for the Winter Soldier.”

“You’re saying someone framed him to find him.” Sharon asked slowly, summarizing their point.

“Steve, we looked for the guy for two years, and bar when he pulled your Missus out of that Hydra base, we found nothing.” Sam pointed out.

“We didn’t bomb the UN.” Katie answered. “That turns a lot of heads.”

“Yeah.” Sharon joined in quietly, “but that doesn’t guarantee that whoever framed him would get him, it guarantees that we would…”

She trailed off as all 4 of them shared an understanding glance.

Steve turned around sharply to look back at the screen showing Bucky and the UN psychiatrist, before he muttered "Yeah.” Someone had brought him here for a reason. Who, and why?

“Tell me Bucky.” The man interrogating Bucky continued on. “You’ve seen a great deal, haven’t you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Bucky answered flatly keeping his response short.

“You feel that, if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop. Don’t worry.” He tapped at his screen “We only have to talk about one.”

The building suddenly went dark, the power going out leaving on the emergency red lights flashing ominously. Katie hopped off the table and Steve turned urgent eyes on Sharon.

“Sub-level five, east wing.” She answered the silent question quickly.

Steve looked at Sam and he nodded then the three of them ran out of the office, using the distraction of the power outage to their advantage as they raced down the stairs to get to the level Bucky was on.

They ran down two flights of stairs before they finally reached the hallway that led to Bucky’s holding room. Steve stopped when they reached the last corridor and spotted the guards lying on the ground. He glanced back to exchange looks with Katie and Sam as they both came to a stop behind him. Now wary of what they were walking into, and highly conscious that none of them had any weapons, they made their way cautiously down the corridor. Katie bent down to check the fallen soldiers. One had a strong pulse, the other…

“He’s dead.” She muttered looking up. Steve let out a sigh of frustration and moved into the security room besides the cell, Sam and Katie close behind.  

The further into the room they went the more dead soldiers they encountered when a sudden raspy voice came from in the room that held Bucky’s containment unit. “Help me.”

Steve looked ahead to see the man who had been interrogating Bucky, lying on his side by the empty cage, clutching his side as if in pain. Steve stomped into the room angrily, ignoring the man as he begged for help again.

“Get up.” He snapped reaching down to grab the man by the front of his jacket, hauling him to his feet. The man eyed him carefully as Steve glared shoving him into a wall and snarling. “Who are you? What do you want?”

The man met his gaze, his eyes becoming cold and dark as answered lowly, “To see an empire fall.”

A movement in the corner of the room caught Katie’s eye. Sam and her ducked just in time as the Winter Soldier leapt from where he had been lurking in the shadows, throwing a punch towards Katie. He missed, hitting the concrete doorway and punching a hole through the rock.

Sam acted quickly, punching at the Winter Soldier’s side, but it didn’t even faze the super-solider as he punched Sam straight in the stomach. Sam winced, and doubled over as the Winter Soldier grabbed his chin in his metal hand, throwing him across the room. He then turned his attention to Katie, and she knew that throwing punches wasn’t going to work so all she could do was duck, using her agility to keep out of his way. She bent backwards as he made to grab her but then Steve ran at him, ducking as the Winter Soldier swung his arm out. Once the metal arm passed over his head, Steve threw a punch of his own, hitting the Soldier right in the face, and the man snarled as he swung his fist back at Steve, who dodged it. The Winter Soldier suddenly kicked out, landing a solid kick right to Steve’s stomach and Steve grunted as he was thrown backwards, landing in the security room.

The Winter Soldier strode towards him but Steve was already back on his feet and blocked the next kick with his bare hands. Katie was powerless to help; she had nothing on her, no stingers, no guns no Supernova suit. She frantically searched the room for something she could use as a weapon as the pair of super soldiers continued to fight, throwing kicks and punches while parrying and blocking the other’s moves, heading back out into the corridor. As Steve fell through the doorway again, Katie grabbed the cable she was holding and launched herself at the Winter Soldier jumping onto his back and wrapping the cable around his neck. He spun round angrily, grabbing at the cable before he reached up with his metal arm and grabbed the back of her hair, flipping her up and over before flinging her across the room at Steve who had pulled himself up against the elevator doors. Steve grunted as he caught her but quickly set her on her feet before shoving her out of the way just in time, as the Winter Soldier threw his whole weight into a punch to Steve’s chest, blowing him straight through the metal doors and down the elevator shaft.

Katie kicked at the desk in front of her, sending it The Soldier’s way as he was now advancing on her, but he broke through it easily, not even slowing in the slightest. She dodged under his arm and aimed a kick at the side of his knee, catching him perfectly and he stumbled forward. She then went to kick him again but he raised his metal arm to take the brunt of it, catching her leg so it was trapped between his arm and chest.

“Bucky this isn’t you.” Her words meant nothing to him. He grabbed a handful of her shirt with his other hand lifting her and tossing her like a rag doll straight into the wall where she banged her head painfully, causing her to see stars. She lay still for a while, dazed but and then she heard Sam shout

“Hey. You alright?”

“I think so.” She blinked groggily as Sam gently helped her to her feet. Everything seemed to work.

“C'mon,” He urged, heading towards the stairs “That so called doctor just left.”

Before Katie could head up the steps after him, a grunt caught her attention, it was Steve, minus his jacket, climbing his way out of the elevator shaft covered in dirt and sweat and looking far more attractive than he had any right to be in the middle of a damned fight.

“You okay?” He questioned only slightly out of breath from the climb, his hand dropping to his wife’s neck

“Yeah.”

“Bucky?”

“He went that way.” She pointed to the corridor on the left. "Back out to the facility. The doctor, he went the other way, Sam’s gone after him”

Steve quickly nodded. “I’ll get Bucky. You go after Sam and I’ll meet you outside.”

No further discussion was had as they split up.  By the time Katie emerged into the lobby of the facility, it was utter chaos where employees were all crushed together rushing to get out the doors and get to safety.

“Sam, any sign?” She asked as she found him outside looking round.

“No, come on.” He grabbed her hand so that they didn’t lose each other in the crowd as they moved outside the building. Sam stopped to pick up a discarded jacket that he recognised as belonging to the Fake Doctor, and Katie glanced down at it before looking around the crowd. There was no sign of him. It was then that she heard a chopper and instantly glanced up to the top of the building where a helicopter was attempting to take off. But the two-hundred plus pounds of super-solider hanging onto the landing skids was not letting go that easy. He kept hold as the helicopter dragged him to the edge, his boots skidding on the Heli-pad before he reached the end. Gritting his teeth he clung onto the skids of the helicopter with one hand, the other onto the railing of the building.

“No way.” Sam shook his head as he and Katie stood looking up at Steve who was stopping the helicopter “No goddamned way.”

The blades of the helicopter spun rapidly but it was going nowhere as Steve switched his grip on the railing. His muscles bulged and felt like they were on fire but he didn’t let go and, with a pained grit of his teeth, he pulled even harder and felt it start to come back to him. Then, it did a sharp turn towards Steve and he dived out of the way as it came to a stop. He stood up, made his way to the door but before he could do anything Bucky’s metal fist smashed through the glass on the door and gripped him round his neck. Steve planted both his feet on the side of the chopper, trying to release himself from the grip but it was no use.

And then the helicopter began sliding.

Katie’s grip tightened around Sam’s hand as they spotted Steve’s figure still attached to the helicopter as it fell from the top of the building and into the lake below. She instantly rushed forwards, but Sam wrapped both arms around her waist to restrain her, stopping her from diving head first into the water after him. 

Not again, she kept thinking to herself, the scenes from the last time him and Bucky had entered the water flashing before her eyes.

She hadn’t realised she was yelling until Sam shouted loudly, and pointed across the water, where a head had broken the surface. Steve was dragging Bucky up beside him. They rushed to the edge of the lake where Steve made sure they got Bucky out first before he hauled himself up beside them, water dripping onto the concrete.

Sam turned his attention to Bucky making sure he was only unconscious and still breathing, while Katie’s focus turned to her husband. The anger at him being a stupid, reckless moron again boiled over.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” She screamed, before she reached back and slapped him hard across the face.  It was enough to make his head snap to the right.

“Ouch.” Sam muttered.

Steve looked at Katie, astonishment and maybe a hint of amusement on his face, before she threw herself into his arms, not caring that he was soaking wet, whilst as he wrapped his arms around her.

“You stupid…” Katie began to sob, her voice muffled as she pressed her face into his wet shirt and his hands tangled in her hair.

“I know, I know.” He muttered. “I’m sorry, Doll.” He dropped a soft kiss to her head before he gently moved her to the side and looked at Sam before nodding to the unconscious Bucky on the floor. “Let’s get out of here.”

**** Chapter 31

**Original Posting**

[theinvisibledreamergirl]

The Grinch Girl

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC (Klaw Craig)

Warning: Nope only fluff content and bits of sadness.

Word count: ~2.3 k

A.N: Hello again folks! Did you miss me? Well this fic came out unexpectedly and wasn’t even planned lol. But I hope you enjoy this and Merry Christmas! And I know you’re impatiently waiting for Part 6 of my OH AU 1 but still is in progress. THIS IS MY FIRST STAND-ALONE FIC EVER OMG AND I’M REALLY NERVOUSSSS.

———————————————————————

Basically from all of the staff of Edenbrook Hospital there was a certain someone who didn't like Christmas as everyone else- Dr. Klaudia Craig. This wasn't something new for everyone because they knew she detested it.

She was occupying herself with lots of different cases in order to escape from the festive moments and the cheering voices of her colleagues ready to decorate the Infamous Christmas Tree.

At least that's what she thought.

She wasn't into the winter holidays or any kind of other holidays. Maybe she was a Grinch but as much as she had information about him it was completely another history- he hated people but not Christmas. Whereas she hated both of them.

Klaw didn't have any particular reason to be angry with anyone but she couldn't bare the fact to be involved in such kind of parties. Lousy and noisy people were always a migraine for her and would drink two strong pills in a day at least saving from that horrible sinusitis.

Her free times would always consist of reading books or scientific researches on internet for new developments in oncology surgery as she was eager to see the latest news. Furthermore she would watch BBC every time when the British Government released new announcements about the future of the country whom she dearly missed it. Maybe for others it was such a granny thing but for her was the best cure.

And as for today she was stepping into the corridors seeing the nurses chirping and decorating the railways and doors in which she let an exasperated sigh while shaking her head.

Why do they like them so much? It's completely nonsense. All of that glitter. Everyone seems so happy but I'm sure this is a façade.

Well clearly from her point of view it was maybe a façade but actually everyone was happy and was enjoying at its fullest. And that's why she hated it.

She never got to celebrate any holidays with her family as they have been always busy in their works and didn't pay too much attention on how this would reflect on their daughter's character in the future. They would always justify their lateness in house because of the "duty". God she thought that word would never get out of her mind.

When one of her patients asked her to do the Gingerbread House together she stared blankly as she had no idea what was this thing and she immediately regretted her lie to the kid.

Oh yeah of course I'll help you but until i finish my shift alright?

The little girl was smart and understood that she wasn't telling the truth and aside from that she could tell that the doctor standing opposite her wasn't even pleased about it and she let a mischievous smirk.

"You don't know what Gingerbread is, don't you?"

The doctor gulped hardly as ever. The patient saw her hesitation and asked sincerely.

"Don't worry I'll ask someone else but can I ask you why don't you know about the Gingerbread?"

"Mary, I think you need to rest now after your long surgery, right?"

"Got it doc."

With that she trailed off furiously as she didn't want to awake again that memory.

She hated herself.

She didn't want to be like this.

Harsh.

Cold demeanor.

Selfish.

And afraid to be happy.

When she went to the elevator she heard Sienna calling from behind.

“Hey Klaw!"

Oh god please don’t tell me she’s going to invite me to that party.

"Hi Sienna, how you've been?"

"Perfect! May I say everything is going to be awesome and I can't wait to celebrate with all of us in our apartment! You'll come too, right?"

God she wanted so bad to celebrate. But her logical answer was always ahead of what heart truly wanted. You can say without fear that she was an introverted ass.

"Uhm actually I won't."

Sienna's smile immediately faltered and shook her head in confusion. "Why?” Before Klaw could explain herself she abruptly said “Look If you're worried about those scumbag surgical residents, don't worry we won't invite them. And also-"

"Sienna it's not about them. It's just..."

"Just what?"

I don't celebrate Christmas Eve and I don’t have any intention to because I just simply hate it.

“It’s about patients Si and we have lot of work to do especially Dr. Ramsey won’t let me to finish the shift that easy so I’m leaving-”

“Not so fast gorgeous." a sing-along voice stopped her. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Oh, Bryce." She put a plastered smile while laughing nervously. As always. "Uhm, well I have to go to a patient now heh."

"Tsk. I don’t believe any single thing what you’re saying girlie.”

She wanted to seem so believable but this time was out of her luck. Before she would protest again he interrupted.

"Come on Klaw. We already know you've been working your ass since five in the morning and you haven't even eaten anything today needless to say- you haven't even wished us for Christmas."

"Oh really?" He nodded "Well- Merry Christmas Bryce!"

He frowned in confusion and was crooking his eyes in suspicion as she sounded differently from usual. Something was wrong and he was about to ask her again when he heard that annoying voice.

"Rookie!" Klaw's eyes widened but in the meantime she thanked him in silence for saving her.

"In my office."

"Yes Dr. Ramsey."

With that she excused herself to Sienna and Bryce who stayed mouth agape and Sienna was finally the one to break the silence.

"So...Plan A and B are ruined right?"

"Yeah" he slid from his pocket the phone in which he called a number. "Jackie." He let a defeated sigh. "Tell the others we need a plan C. That old man Ramsey destroyed everything."

--------------

When the elevator reached the 3rd floor Ethan guided Klaw to his office gently pushing the door for her to enter first. They made an arrangement before she started her residency- to remain professional but her gut feeling told that something not good was about to happen.

What was weird was the fact that the lights of his office weren't turned on but only those of his little Christmas Tree. She rolled her eyes annoyingly.

Great. Now I have to deal with another Christmas enthusiast.

He saw her expression and when she turned as if questioning, he gave her a rueful smile. "Please sit."

She did as he said raising her left eyebrow. "So? What is the reason you called me?"

"Simple. I want to find a treatment for a patient whose brain is not functioning as usual." He said ironically which she didn't get it.

"What are her symptoms?"

Even though it was not an usual question he would ask as every time- she was ready to show her high diagnostics knowledge despite being a surgeon.

"It's a difficult case and a rare one. I'm not sure if you're going to handle it."

"There's nothing I can't handle Dr. Ramsey." She said while raising her head in confidence. "Remember what you said to me in my intern year? When there isn't a path, you make your own."

"Fair well. This girl is about 5 years old and she doesn't celebrate Christmas because she hates it. What do you think we should do?"

"What? I don't-" Then it all clicked.

It was about her.

"You too?" She scoffed in disbelief while standing up "I really can't believe this!"

When she was reaching the door handle a strong grip on her waist held her in place and growled in her left ear that made her shivered. "You're not going anywhere!"

"What happened with being professional Dr. Ramsey huh?"

He shut his eyes and inhaled sharply. "Please. Tell me what's wrong. I know that you're worried about something."

"You don't deserve to know anything!" With that she kicked his crotch with her left knee letting herself free from him. That self-defense instinct she had- it was going to be the death of him one day.

"And you don't tell me what should I do!"

"Is that so Dr. Craig? Remember that I'm your boss."

"Ouch. So scary. What are you going to do then? Pin me to the wall?" She let out a weary chuckle "Remember Ramsey- I'm not going to play hot and cold game again with you because I've had enough! And don't even try to do the victim's face here 'cause you know that it's your fault that we're in this position now!"

She was the most infuriating woman he had ever met in his life and maybe this was the reason why he wanted her so badly. Her gorgeous face etched to his mind every night before sleep. When she was always angry she looked like a goddess to him no matter how and he would bow down just for her. One word or only one action from her and he was her slave.

"What happened Dr. Ramsey? Cat got your tongue?" said in a sing-along voice and when he didn't answer she wanted to use the opportunity to leave but his eyes were trailing her full parted lips.

No. No. No. Don't let him kiss you Klaw. Just don't.

But his actions were faster than she thought and her fear came to life. He kissed her such gently that made her cheeks blush enough to stop arguing. When they parted Ethan set both of his hands to her face trailing her cheekbones and temples saying in a soothing voice.

"Now, will you tell me what is going on with your cold behaviour?"

She nodded forgetting everything in what they agreed on. Maybe she would regret it later but it seemed that she didn't care for now.

---------

"So that's why I hate it. I mean I don't want to hate Christmas. It's just I don't want to leave the impression to the others that I hate holidays. I don't want to look like Grinch but still...Ughh I don't know.” she placed her palms in her temples. “I feel such in shame now like I don't even know what Gingerbread is!"

"Why haven't you searched on the internet before?"

"Well this is the case. I've never shown interest in it. The only thing that I would search were always something about science in general and projects for school. And I've never received Christmas gifts before which makes me well-" the last words she said almost in a whisper. "- not appreciated person."

Ethan could see himself in her somehow. After his mother left he didn't want to celebrate Christmas anymore as that day was one of the worst of his life. But his father Alan insisted that his son should see his future and letting that pain to go by every year celebrating and reminding him to be a strong man just like now. Whereas for Klaw he felt his jaw clenched in frustration when her parents now that they weren’t anymore never celebrated and not even letting her to go at least at her best friend's house.

"Do you think I'm a Grinch Girl, Ethan?"

When she called him in his first name he felt his chest warming as she was slowly becoming more openly to him.

"No." He said without hesitation. "It's clearly that you were raised like this and you should not blame yourself for that. You're not the only one who doesn't celebrate Christmas Eve. There are many people who don't even know what Christmas is so-" he put a strand of her brown hair behind her ear. "No, you're not a Grinch but...A grumpy one may I- agh!" he winced when she pinched his arm then smacked it furiously.

"That hurt."

"You deserved that."

"Seriously? I'm trying to understand you whereas-" she cut him off guard with another kiss but on his cheeks instead.

"Thank you. For always being nice to me."

"Hey, you know I would do everything for you?"

"Yeah, I know. But what am I going to do now?"

"First things first" he stood up from the couch where they were staying "You're going to say to everyone who you meet the magic words: 'Merry Christmas!'"

He chuckled when she let a groan. "And then you're going to pick some gifts in the shop for your friends because this is the value of this holiday- sharing is caring. And about gifts-"

He went to his drawer of his white wooden-metallic desk to reveal an object packed in a rectangular shape with a white strap.

"Wait is that-?"

"Yes it's for you". She stared at him. "Open it."

She took it hesitating at first because this was the first gift ever someone made especially for her and was fidgeting her fingers not knowing where to start because she didn't want to ruin the way how beautifully it was packed.

When she let go of the strap she gasped when there was an old book of Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Grey and there were two milk chocolates Fin Carré which was her favourite flavour and a little card were was written:

I'm sorry for being an asshole.

Merry Christmas Rookie!

E.R

"So...uhm do you like it?" He scratched the back of his neck nervously. " I know you're a bookworm and I remembered that Oscar Wilde was the only Irish author whom you didn't read so I went to the National Library and asked if there was still an old copy of it and luckily it was the last one."

She immediately left the gift in his couch and pressed a lingering kiss on his lips and said in a whisper while tearing up "Merry Christmas Ethan. And I'm sorry too for being grumpy and harsh to you."

"You don't have to apologise to me. Your friends and your patient Mary need to hear this. Okay?"

"Okay. Seni seviyorum. [ I love you ] “

“Uhm what?”

She giggled “I’ll tell you when the year ends.”

“But-”

“A girl has to keep some secrets, right?” said when she opened the door and left contently with it.

For the first time in her life Dr. Klaudia Craig felt a radiation coming through her body.

She was happy and grateful.

P.S: The words ‘seni seviyorum’ come from Turkish language. And no- my MC is not Turkish but British lol. She is a polyglot that’s why.

Perma tag: @starrystarrytrouble | @junggoku | @maurine07 | @nadeen-ahmed11 | @hopelessromantics4life  | @lillylavander20 | @caseyvalentineramsey | @custaroonie |  @miss-smrxtiee  |  @drstellavalentine | @archxxronrookie  |  @binny1985

if anyone else wants to be tagged please let me know! xoxo

[aswellingstorm]

taylor swift x catradora playlist

in honor of evermore dropping tonight (midnight, EST) i humbly present the following by album break down of songs that miss swift wrote solely for catradora

taylor swift (2006)

tied together with a smile--the struggle adora faces being the hero/put on a pedestal from her horde days to becoming she ra

invisible--catra facing jealousy over adora’s new friendships

i’m only me when i’m with you--young catradora/growing up in the horde

fearless (2008)

forever & always-- broken promise. need i say more

white horse-- catra’s resentment for adora’s hero complex

breathe-- mutual catra & adora--struggling to cope with the other choosing the opposing side

you’re not sorry--adora coming to terms w post s3 catra & having to accept her former best friend has gone too far this time

change-- post s1 victory for adora

speak now (2010)

the story of us--princess prom catradora vibes

mean--unfortunately.........could see the best friend squad singing this therapeutically & adora thinking of catra

better than revenge-- ‘stealing other peoples toys on the playground won’t make you many friends//i’m just another thing for you to roll your eyes at honey’....jealous catra really comes thru here

innocent-- feel like this could be applied to adora but more specifically catra losing herself and her innocence in this war/getting caught in the cycle of abuse shadow weaver set her in at a young age

if this were a movie-- adora’s naïve hope that catra might make the right choice one day

haunted-- ‘all this time you and i have walked a fragile line, never thought i’d live to see it break’, easily fits into adora leaving the horde, but def has the angsty vibes for ‘save the cat’

back to december--regret. longing. wishing u could take something back but knowing you really cant

enchanted--ok hear me out. not necessarily a ‘meet cute’ for them, but could def see this song playing at a princess prom post s5 and being a cute look for them over all.

red (2012)

treacherous--post ‘save the cat’, catra learning redemption is....something she Wants

the last time--post-portal. def reminds me of the scene where catra saves glimmer and apologizes to adora

sad beautiful tragic-- break up sadness

the lucky one--more adora becoming she ra/learning the truth of mara

i almost do--catra & adora missing each other on opposite sides of the war

come back...be here--^^

state of grace--end of/post s5

1989 (2014)

out of the woods--i mean..........those ladies entered the whispering woods in s1 on a stolen skiff and did not leave until the end of the series

all you had to do was stay-- aside from the title... “let me remind you this was what you wanted // you ended it// you were all I wanted //but not like this”. def catra yearning

i wish you would--all of the lyrics. all of them

bad blood--warrants no explanation

this love-- “when you’re young, you just run// but you always come back to what you need”......................the defense rests

clean--s4 adora accepting and coming to terms w catra’s decision

wonderland-- really captures the betrayal/hurt of s1 catradora

you are in love-- adora POV// subtle moments leading up to realizing she loves catra

new romantics--”we need love, but all we want is danger//we team up then switch sides like a record changer”

catra’s personal memoir reputation (2017)

i did something bad--a title that could (unfortunately for everyone else) summarize a large majority of catra’s decisions. the song is very justified/righteous anger/revenge. basically a ‘fuck you, i know i’m bad’ & embracing that. reminds me of her kicking sw & hordaks ass (the rebellion could never) and her just...war criming it up in the crimson waste

Look What You Made Me Do-- void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra--

getaway car--could see this from adora’s perspective to catra solely for the whole leaving/betrayal bit. but might be more fighting for double trouble & catra’s relationship

dancing with our hands tied-- i mean...lyrically. everything. but esp ‘I'd kiss you as the lights went out//swaying as the room burned down//I'd hold you as the water rushes in//If I could dance with you again”

dress-- “i dont want you like a best friend”. period. end of sentence. 

this is why we can’t have nice things--s1 promise feels. the lack of forgiveness, the shade. u know.

lover (2019)

cruel summer-- “i scream for whatever it’s worth, i love you--ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?” the heart. the longing. the ‘i dont want to keep secrets just to keep you’

the archer-- ‘who could ever leave me, but who could stay?’ + the rest of the song is v fitting for both catra/adora

afterglow--making up, admitting wrongs--catra perspective

miss americana & the heartbreak prince--idk just the narrative of the song reminds me of them

it’s nice to have a friend--whooooh boy this post is not about glimbow but this song works equally as well for them

daylight--enjoy the healing

lover--enjoy the healing pt 2

death by a thousand cuts-- warrants 0 explanation

folklore (2020)

finally

the 1-- definitley adora POV, reminiscing on maybe what they could have been. maybe in a world where catra never redeemed herself or they never reunited and adora watched her friends pair up/get married/build lives w each other, she might realize there is a whole in her heart. a part that’s missing and cant be explained, but she feels it every time she looks at glimmer&bow. 

cardigan-- feels like catra writing a letter to adora. reflecting on the feelings of hurt and betrayal after time has passed and the anger fades

exile -- lowkey the premise of my fic but. ‘i’m not your problem anymore/ you were my crown/ now i’m in exile seeing you out’ catra was raised to feel like she was adora’s problem to fix. she feels cast aside by her for a majority of the series etc

my tears ricochet-- “i didn't have it in myself to go with grace//and you're the hero flying around saving face//and if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?//cursing my name, wishing I stayed//look at how my tears ricochet” tswift explained this in the doc about how no one can hurt you like your best friend turned enemy. so i think in that sense this song works from adora’s perspective--but there’s so much bitterness and anger that i feel like it fits more from catra’s POV

seven-- “love you to the moon and to saturn//passed down like folksongs//the love lasts so long” i feel like this is so young/child adora and her feelings of protectiveness over catra. their bond through trauma and abuse

august--lmaoooooo i know. ok i KNOW what the deal is. i KNOW that cardigan, august and betty are a narrative story and really there are 3 POVs--james, betty & august. but i will do with that what i please. i just see catra’s pov from this song just as much as i see it for cardigan. her losing adora/feeling like adora doesn’t want her back or will choose other ppl over her. 

this is me trying--can fit adora’s need to be everything for everyone/fear of failure--leading to burn out. also works for what i assume how catra’s redemption arc continued post s5. progress isn’t linear and this can show both of them struggling to recover from abuse

invisible string--if u strip out the imagery of taylor and her mans then sure

mad woman--i MEAN...is this not catra’s villain origin story? so often she was just poked/kicked/provoked into continuing down the dark path. not always by adora but regardless.

epiphany-- ‘with you i serve, with you i fall down’ reminding me of them both fighting/practicing/training together pre-s1 as well as them finally teaming up

betty--betty betty betty. the worst thing these two have ever done is what they did to each other. i see it more catra to adora, but it can go either way. gotta admire catra’s range for fitting into the role of betty, august + james... who else is doing it quite like her?

peace-- adora to catra. she can never not be she ra. is that enough for catra?

hoax--def more of a catra POV

evermore (2020?)

tbd......

[writesowhatnext]

our paradise, poisoned // sirius black

Summary: reader & sirius are in a toxic relationship: they argue all the time and hurt each other compulsively. Is this their last argument?

Request: Reader x Sirius ANGSTY imagine based on the song 'Another Love' (Tom Odell I thought) , Post-Hogwarts a couple years. Y/n and Sirius are together and live together but things have become really toxic between them, they're always arguing over everything, he's flirting with other girls and cheating on her, he comes home smelling like other girls perfumes and it just gets worse and worse until they have a messy breakup! ANGST ending please :) Thank you!

A/N: got this was so hard to write bc I’m a slut for a happy ending but holy cow angst is cathartic

Reader: female

Warnings: toxic relationships, sad omg, slightly nsfw, sex talk, swearing, cat-calling, angst

Sirius had left over an hour ago with the door slamming behind him. You didn’t know where he was going but you could guess. You saw the way he stared at other girls; you knew the smell on his skin. You felt sick at the thought of it. As you sat on the floor in your hallway, knees brought to your chest and cheeks stiff with dried tears, you stared at the photo hung on the wall. It was only three years old, but the gilded frame was dusty and untouched. It was taken the day you moved into the house. You barely recognised the smiling faces in it anymore. He was holding you in his arms, his smile wide and bright whilst you laughed at something he’d said, head tipped backwards.

It used to be his favourite picture. You used to love each other.

In a twisted way, you still did. Every time you argued, every time the door slammed, every time you slept alone, your heart broke a little bit more. And then it numbed. Every time you thought you’d run out of tears, there were more to come. Every time you thought he’d hurt you the worst he ever would, he proved you wrong. That’s not to say you didn’t pull your weight. You remembered the look on his face the first time you’d brought up his mother in an argument; you’d never wanted to hurt him like that but you couldn’t deny the horrible relief at the pain in his eyes. You were glad, actually, that you could hurt him as much as he’d hurt you. You were glad he cared enough for your words to still sting. You regretted it now, though, sat on the floor of your home on your own.

You weren’t always like this: he used to bring you daffodils every day; you used to cook dinner together and dance; you’d laugh together always; the safest you’d ever felt had been in his arms. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d been there, now. You couldn’t remember what it felt like. You still fucked, though, sometimes. He used to love you, properly, but there was nothing but hatred now. You used to cuddle afterwards; he’d place kisses into your hair and onto your skin. And now even when his body was hot against yours, it was cold. You didn’t look at each other in the eyes anymore. You were scared, honestly, of what you would see. Whether you were more afraid of his hatred or your own reflection, you didn’t know. And so, you sat there, feeling the cold wooden floor beneath you, scared and hurt.

It had been months since the last time Sirius had acknowledged you at all. It was your anniversary and you’d gone out to eat. It had been a sordid affair, lifeless and empty. He’d paid, which would’ve been nice, had it not just been out of habit. His eyes had lingered on the waitress. You noticed. When you left, the silence between you was loud and heavy. You walked a foot apart; no one could mistake you for lovers. That might’ve been why the guy shouted at you from the doorway of an abandoned building.

“You alright, sugar tits?”

Your mood soured even further. You just ignored him, but for some reason, he rubbed Sirius the wrong way. Sirius broke his left hand that night, defending your honour, you would’ve said in the past. Now you didn’t know why. You’d wrapped his bruised hand in bandage in an uncharacteristically soft moment for the two of you. It didn’t last. You’d cried during sex that night. You hoped he didn’t notice. The next morning, you woke up to an empty bed again.

Clenching your jaw, deciding you’d had enough, you walked upstairs and into your bedroom. You began to pack a bag, shoving clothes into a rucksack and occasionally wiping your nose with the back of your hand. You thought about when you first met. You were just kids, only seventeen-years-old and partners in Potions. He was absolutely useless, but recklessly charming despite himself.

“Have you tried reading the textbook upside down?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. He opened his mouth indignantly, turned to you with his eyebrows dark and furrowed. And then the corners of his mouth lifted.

“You’re making fun of me.” He realised, suddenly curious about you.

“I am making fun of you.”

“Well, two can play at that game, Y/N.”

You’d been thick as thieves ever since. You got along with his friends and they enjoyed how happy you made him. You’d been so in love that you moved in together straight after you’d graduated; you had no idea what you’d become after that photo was taken just outside, on the driveway.

You were so immersed in your reverie that you hadn’t noticed the front door shut.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked, standing in the doorway.

Your chest tightened. You bit back a bitter, sacrastic remark, eyes on the bag in front of you.

“I’m leaving, Sirius.”

“What?” he asked, stepping closer. You could smell the perfume on him. It wasn’t yours. “You can’t be serious.”

Your heart clenched. He’d probably ruined that sentence for you for life.

“We can’t carry on like this.”

He was silent for a moment.

“So, you’re just going to- just fucking leave?” he ran a hand through his hair. “Give up on us?”

“There is no us,” you said, finally turning to him. “There stopped being an ‘us’ a long fucking time ago.”

His eyes were dark and shiny with tears. He looked angry. Frustrated. He scoffed.

“Of course, you’d say that.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means this is what you do, Y/N. You give up on things.”

“How dare you.” you watched him laugh sardonically. “How can you say that to me when you’re the one out with other girls?”

He watched your face, he’d hurt you enough times to recognise the way his words changed the shape of your lips, the angle of your brow. He regretted every decision he’d made to lead him to this moment. You, standing across from him, like this.

“Oh, we both know I’m not the only one.”

“Fuck you, Sirius. I would never hurt you like that.”

“Get off your high horse, Y/N.” he spat. “You used everything you could to hurt me.”

You couldn’t deny that. You remembered the arguments.

“Why do you care then? Why do you give a shit if I’m leaving?” Your eyes were wild. Why did you want him to say he loved you? It’s not like it would make it any better.

“Where will you go?”

“Does it fucking matter? Away from here.”

“I’m so sorry living with me was so fucking hard for you.”

He clenched his jaw as you turned to face him again. You ran a shaky hand through your hair before pointing a finger at him. He could see the tears brimming. He wanted to stop so badly. He couldn’t.

“Don’t make it seem like you didn’t notice. I’ve cried every night for the last month. We argue all the time. All the time, Sirius.” He opened his mouth but you cut him off. “We argued last week about who forgot to buy milk even though I didn’t care. We argued yesterday, even, about arguing.”

He knew you were right. It didn’t matter though. He was so tired of all of it but he couldn’t stop himself. He had to show he cared somehow.

“I don’t know what happened to us,” you said, somewhat resigned to the fate of your relationship now. “I’m sorry it ends like this.”

“I can’t believe you’re going to walk out after everything.” He watched you pick up your bag, letting you move past him. He followed you down the stairs. “Don’t you care at all?”

“Of course, I care.”

“It doesn’t bloody look like it.” Sirius shouted, stopping behind you. He grabbed the picture off the wall.

“You were everything to me, Sirius.” You looked down at the picture in his hand; he just stared at your face. “You still are.”

“Then why are you leaving me?” he said softly. His anger dissipated for a moment and you were met with the young boy you’d seen so many years ago. His eyes were full of unshed tears and his chest was almost heaving with emotion. The foolish part of you had hope. You reached over to tuck a fallen strand of hair behind his ear. When he flinched away, your heart broke and what little remained for you in that house died with it.

“Because I have to.”

You wanted to tell him everything. You wanted to give him everything. But you didn’t have anything left to give. You were just an empty shell. You stopped at the front door, sniffling as your tears really started to flow. You heard the sound of the picture hitting the floor, dropped from Sirius’ hand as he sunk to sit on the stairs. You wanted to tell him you loved him and that you always would, that you were sorry for a thousand things. You couldn’t. You opened the door and walked out. You just kept walking. You know that if you stopped, you’d turn back.

Sirius sat on the stairs with his head in his hands for hours. He stopped crying eventually, running out of tears. His eyes stung and his chest ached; he’d nearly pulled his hair out. He sat there, emptier than he had been for a while as he picked up the metal picture frame. He tipped the broken glass onto the ground, looking at the photo inside. It hadn’t been that long ago, not really. But somehow it had been forever. He couldn’t tell, sitting there on the stairs, whether he loved you or hated you, but he figured that, as it had been for a while, the answer was both.

[cellsshapedlikestars]

it’s just a costume 2: electric cataloo

again, I’m really trying to take a break from writing but I have zero self control. Also this was one of my favorites from last time and I wanted to continue it.

for the @jonsa-halloween day five prompt: clothes.

I added it on ao3 as a second chapter to the first, you can read both here

tumblr link to the first part here

.

.

She's not sure why she does it, why she stomps to her closet and digs through the boxes to find it. When she does, the dress smells a little musty from sitting in storage for so long, the wire in the tail is bent, and the ears are falling off the headband. She hot glues the ears back on while wiping away angry tears with the back of her hand, she washes the dress, she bends the tail back into shape before reattaching it.

Jon's bringing Ygritte.

Robb had said it so casually at dinner. Of course he did, he has no idea.

He has no idea that she's spent the last six years watching Jon date all the wrong girls. That she's spent the last six years dating boys that weren't him just to try and get over him. Ever since that Halloween when she last wore this costume, there's been something between them, she's not crazy. He'd avoided her for a while, started dating Ygritte, then Dany, then Ygritte again, then Val, then fucking Ygritte again. In high school she dated Joffrey and then in college, Harry.

Neither of them were him.

(Both of them sucked.)

But this year Jon was single. Single and going to Robb's Halloween party (well, Jeyne's Halloween party). Sansa's home from school for the weekend and she had been so excited to go and have fun with everyone in Robb and Jeyne's new apartment. She doesn't know what she was expecting, but it wasn't for Jon to decide last minute to get back together with Ygritte of all people.

She's not crazy, there is something between them. She knows there is. And in August, right before school started again for her, she'd kissed him when she and Arya had been helping Robb and Jeyne move. He'd been carrying boxes up and down stairs all day and had stopped to drink some water in the kitchen while everyone else was downstairs. In a moment of weakness, she'd kissed him, right there in Robb's apartment, but then everyone came back in and they hadn't been alone again. Then she'd gone back to school and he... he never called. He never even texted. Is she crazy?

She's not sure what she's hoping to prove by wearing this old costume. When she puts the dress on the next night, it's still too short and too tight, but she's worn much worse out clubbing with Marg. She draws her whiskers and cat nose with black eyeliner and maybe puts on too much makeup and perhaps the fishnets with her heels is a little extra, but she doesn't care.

“Yowza,” Arya drawls from the doorway of her room. Arya's dressed like the wrestler Strong Belwas (thankfully with a shirt under the vest). She doesn't respond and eventually Arya sighs. “I thought you looked pissed when Robb brought up Ygritte last night.”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” she responds in her haughtiest voice, the one that usually makes Arya roll her eyes and leave her alone.

“Don't know why he's back with her, she's toxic,” Arya continues “I thought you two would finally bone, but I guess not.”

“What,” she turns from the mirror to look at Arya, who is absolutely rolling her eyes (but not leaving).

“It's so annoying. She's too young, she's Robb's little sister, I'm so sad and our love can never be, I'm Jon Snow, I'm such a martyr,” Arya mimics and her Jon impression is so spot on it startles a laugh out of Sansa.

“Wait, so you'd be ok with...”

Arya's face softens for just a moment before she slips back into little sister mode, “I mean it's better than watching you two pine over each other. It's becoming unbearable, we all think so.”

“All?”

“Well, everyone but Robb. I can't tell if he doesn't want to see it or if he's just dumb.”

Sansa turns back to her reflection with a wildly pounding heart.

She's not crazy.

“Maybe lose the heels,” Arya muses, “we don't want Jon to die.”

They pick up Marg on the way to Robb's (Marg takes one look at her outfit, raises an eyebrow, and Sansa knows immediately that she's part of we all think so). When they get to the apartment, she does kind of regret the heels walking up three flights of stairs but that's washed away the minute she steps foot in the apartment and Jon's gaze sweeps her from head to toe with his drink frozen halfway to his lips.

She does her best to ignore him and talks to everyone else at the party (and discovers that the we all think so crew also includes Theon, Gendry, Asha, Jeyne, Beth, and Hot Pie, somehow). Maybe she's being petty when she dances with one of Robb's friends from work. Maybe that's why she put on the costume in the first place, because she's petty (and, ok, yes, it hurts to be rejected so thoroughly, to be ignored for months after you kiss someone).

Jon and Ygritte don't look like they're having fun (Jon never looks like he's having fun with her, she's all wrong for him) and it doesn't give Sansa a sense of satisfaction like she thought it might. Instead she's just sad and she finds herself on the balcony, shivering, because of course she didn't wear a jacket.

When a flannel settles over her shoulders, she turns to see Jon lean against the railing next to her. They stand in silence for a while.

“Even if you don't want me, you shouldn't be with her.” It's not what she wanted to say, but it's true. Jon isn't happy with Ygritte, never has been.

He sighs and rubs a hand over his face but he doesn't argue. “Arya's already told me I'm an idiot.”

“She's not wrong.” He glowers at her and she never thought she'd be so happy to be frowned at.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” he asks after a bit. “I think we should talk.”

“Why can't we talk now?”

“Because I need to take Ygritte home and I can't have a proper conversation with you when you're wearing that.”

She blushes and he gives her a smile and he lets his eyes fall to the costume again, now half hidden under his flannel. He sighs and then heads inside and she has to stay on the balcony because now she's very warm.

Tomorrow.

[yikesharringrove]

Hey love! Was just wondering if you’d be up to do some stonathan fluff times. I love Jonathan and Steve so why not love them together :) if not that’s alright! ❤️❤️❤️

This takes place the summer before Steve’s senior year/Jonathan’s junior year. Basically, Steve is his muse. This is also more angst than I was orignally planning on lol.

“Hey, this is kind of a weird request, but do you think you could get naked?”

Jonathan had been spending the summer taking photography classes at the community college in the city, and had enlisted Steve’s help for his final project, a portfolio capturing a range of seven complex human emotions.

So far, the image for “Joy” was his favorite. He and Steve had gone to the fields at edge of Hawkins, and Steve had rolled down the hill, chased buzzing little bees around in the grass, picked flowers and weaved them into Jonathan’s hair. The final image he had selected was from late in the day. Steve was laying on the grass, soaking in the sun. He had a smudge of dirt on his cheek, his hair messy around his head. He was making shapes in the clouds, this look of pure childlike freedom on his face. It was beautiful.

The one for “Frustrated” was an accident. Jonathan had come to meet Steve at his house, had let himself in and came up to Steve’s room. He was trying to do a summer assignment, pouring over the book his English teacher had selected. That’s when Jonathan learned about the dyslexia, learned about how difficult school was for Steve. He had taken a picture of Steve hunched over the book, his head in his hands, tugging at his hair. And one when Steve had flung the book to the side, caught him with one arm out, the book just about to slap against the wall. Jonathan had placed a hand between his shoulder blades, had told him he’s not stupid.

“Insecure” was Steve standing in his father’s office, on hand trailed on the desk, looking up at the huge painting above the desk, a twelve year old Steve standing uncomfortably with his parents. The Steve in the photograph was biting his lip. Jonathan only noticed how his eyes were shining after the picture was developed.

Jonathan loved the one for “Tired”, he and Steve had stayed up all night for it. He had a lot of Steve from that night, looking sleepy and ruffled, his hair out of place, but the one he had selected for the assignment was him curled like a cat in a large armchair, his head on the armrest, mouth open slightly. Jonathan liked to look at it, thinking about the soft little noises Steve had made as he slept.

“Amazed” was from the Fourth of July. They sat on top of Steve’s roof, watching the fireworks explode over the trees. He took one of Steve in profile, his glasses on, reflecting the fireworks, his eyes bright in the darkness, a tiny smile tugging at his soft lips.

The one for “Disapproving” made him laugh. Taken at the arcade, Steve standing head and shoulders above the kids, one eyebrow raised at Dustin, lips pursed, arms crossed over his chest. The kids had been clamoring for more money, Steve playing hard-ass before he relented and slipped them a tenner. Jonathan remembered lowering his camera, catching Steve’s eye, his heart thumping in his chest when Steve winked at him.

And here they were, the final photograph Jonathan needed. Vulnerable.

“Hey, this is kind of a weird request, but do you think you could get naked?”

Steve just blinked at him.

They had been trying to capture this one for the better part of a day. They had tried many different places, different rooms. They were currently in Steve’s parents’ bedroom, Steve sitting on the hearth rug in front of the large fireplace.

Jonathan had originally approached Steve about this project because of how constantly expressive Steve is (not to mention the tiny crush he’s been harboring for years). He tries to hide it, but those big eyes show everything. But Steve wanted it all to be real, wasn’t confident in his abilities as a model, a muse to just, manufacture these pictures. So he and Jonathan would work for the photos, would make Steve feel the emotion. And right now, right now it just wasn’t working.

“I beg your pardon.”

“It’s just not quite right. I think that’ll help you feel it. I won’t show anything.” Steve just considered him for a moment, standing up to tug his shirt off, kicking off his jeans. Jonathan averted his eyes, heat rising to his cheeks. He sat back down, curled into himself, knees bent to his chest, arms around his legs. Jonathan snapped a picture of him like that. He huffed.

“Still not it?” Steve was chewing on his lip as Jonathan shook his head. “Do you want me to like, tell you stuff? Get all, emotionally vulnerable?”

“If you want. You don’t have to tell me anything major.” Steve smiled at him.

“No, I want this to be real. I want you to do well.” He took a breath. “Where should I start?”

“Wherever you want.”

“My dad has never given me a hug. He tells me every time I speak to him that he’s disappointed in me, embarrassed of me.” Jonathan swallowed hard, raising his camera. So they were doing this. Steve was gonna sit here, completely naked in front of him, baring his soul. Steve was looking to the side, the empty bed, crisply made. “They didn’t want kids. I was an accident. They decided to keep me just to keep appearances. My dad’ll bring clients for dinner, show off his perfect family.

“That’s when they’re in town, which they never are.” He laid down, on his front, his head turned towards Jonathan, resting on his arms. He was always so aware of his body, knew just how to place it for beautiful photographs. Jonathan loved watching him move, so confident. “My dad cheats on my mom a lot. I walked in on him and his secretary when I was eleven. He gave me a stack of cash and a new bike to keep my mouth shut. Not that I would ever tell my mom. She said she likes to pretend I don't exist sometimes.” Jonathan put down his camera. The dad stuff was whatever. He was of course sad for Steve, but who didn’t have a shitty father these days?

But he had always known a kind and loving mother, couldn’t even wrap his mind around having one like Steve’s.

“I’m so sorry, Steve.” He raised his camera quickly, wanted to get the sad little smile Steve was wearing. “I don’t know what I would do without my mom.”

“I really like your mom. She’s a good lady. She’s really kind.” He shifted again, rolling onto his side, his legs bent up, the top knee bent more, pointed to the ground in an effort to keep himself somewhat covered. “My mom is cold. She told me that she regrets having a kid. Said she’s never quite gotten her body back after she was pregnant.” He squeezed his eyes closed. “She sometimes tells me that she’s never loved me.” Jonathan put down the camera, moving quietly over to Steve. He ran one hand through his thick hair. It was soft, no product in it. Steve took a deep breath, eyes dewy when he looked back at Jonathan. “I’m okay. Keep taking pictures.”

“We can stop. I’m sure I have something that’ll work.” Steve just batted Jonathan’s hand away.

“I’m good, Jon. Promise. I want you to get this photo.”

“Thank you for helping me. I really, I appreciate it.” Steve was smiling so sweetly at him, eyes all soft. Jonathan took a picture of it.

“No problem. I like helping. And it’s been, it’s been really fun, spending time with you like this. I really, I really like you, Jon.” Jonathan’s heart sped up. Steve’s eyes were wide, but Jonathan couldn’t look at them, look at them and see Steve being all soft like this, when he didn’t, there was no way he felt, the same.

Jonathan scooted back, picking his camera back up. He looked through the view finder, realizing Steve had moved again, was kneeling, sitting back on his heels, leaning forward, hands on the ground in front of him.

He took a picture.

“You want me to keep going?”

“Only if you’re comfortable.” Steve just smiled at him again,

“I’m always comfortable with you.” Jonathan’s heart thumped again. “I mean, you already know about the, the reading. You know, I’ve never actually told anyone about that. My kindergarten teacher wanted to get me tested for some things, I can’t actually remember what, but my dad wouldn’t let them. Said some real horrible shit to me, and I just, I’ve always been embarrassed. He’s always taking shit to me. God, imagine if he found out-” He cut himself off, looking at the ground. Jonathan was burning to know, know everything about Steve.

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed about that stuff. Not to me.” Steve looked up at him, Jonathan scrambled to take another picture.

It was like Steve had been entirely cracked open. With one look Jonathan could see everything in his heart, the light in him. It was beautiful and so fucking raw.

“That’s the shot.” Jonathan says right when Steve says

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Jonathan dropped the camera.

“What?”

Steve’s face was bright red.

“Nothing! I didn’t, I didn’t say anything.” He was shuffling on his knees, grabbing at his clothes. He tugged on his jeans, standing up. “So, you got the shot?”

“Steve.” Jonathan grabbed his wrist. “Did you mean that?” His eyes were panicked. “Did you mean that?”

“Yes.” He breathed it out. “I meant it.” Jonathan pulled him forward, and slammed them together. Steve made a soft noise against his lips, but he fucking melted against him, his hands coming up to thread through Jonathan’s hair, his hands settling on Steve’s hips.

They broke apart, and Steve’s big eyes were all bright, all happy. Jonathan scrambled for his camera, taking a photo of him, maybe a new one for “Joy”.

[yeaahishowedupatyourparty]

ADDY’S 50 QUESTIONS WITH SPOTLIGHT.

THINGS YOU’RE NEVER ASKED

which song went to number 1 on your birthday? (find out here) “U Remind Me by Usher! I actually know that one and it’s a little bit of a bop. I’m not gonna lie.” 

if you could turn any scent into a candle, what would it be? “Some of you are going to find me weird but listen, inflatables!” 

which element best suits you: fire, earth, water or air? “I think air!” 

what’s the worst grade you’ve ever got on a test? “I’ve failed a ton of times, honestly.” 

what’s the best grade you’ve ever got on a test? “Like, a C.” 

how many countries have you travelled to? “Quite a few! We’ve been on a lot of family holidays and I’ve travelled with my parents for work things too. I’m very lucky.” 

who is your favourite disney character? “Oh my god, Rapunzel. I love Rapunzel.” 

what is one thing people believe that you don’t? “Oooh, I’m not sure. Maybe that platonic friendships between boys and girls can’t exist.” 

do you usually drink enough water in a day? “Oh my god, no and my Mum is always getting at me for it. I need to do it more but I love milkshakes and juice too much.” 

what’s your middle name? “I’m not telling you!”

PARENTS

do you know both of your parents? “I do know both of my parents!” 

are they together? “They are. They’ve been together for ages!”

are you adopted? “Nope!” 

what’s your favourite memory with your parent(s)? “There are so, so many. I think my favourite memories are the simple things, though. Like, for example, sometimes my grandma used to have to pick me up from school when my parents were busy but they’d never tell me if it was going to be Dad and I’d be so, so excited and we’d drive around for a bit before going home. Also, holidays! With Daphne too, obviously. All of the little things; painting, bed time stories, going on walks, buying pets, zoos, everything!”

what did your parent(s) study when they were at the academy? “They’re both actors! Mum did some directing too.” 

which project of your parent(s) is your favourite? “Euphoria and Little Women. I also love The King and Princesses - there’re so many honestly.” 

which parent is the strictest? “Mum...Daphne might have a different answer but I feel like she’s the one who plays bad cop. Although, Dad stresses out more but he’s never full on angry. Mum has a temper...Love her though.” 

which parent do you look most like physically? “Mum, definitely! But Google me with brown hair and you do start to see my Dad more too. I think I just have Mum’s facial structure more, and the eyes...Daphne has Dad’s face structure but like a little glimpses of Mum, so it’s a nice balance.” 

which parent do you behave the most like? “Dad, for sure. I think we’re both romantics and quite emotional, and sensitive. But also, my Dad’s really smart and he’s literally the first person I’ll go to if I have a question about something - so maybe not! I don’t know. I hope I’m like him, as long as I make both of them proud, honestly.”

are you close? “I’m so close to them both. My mum is really protective and always straight talking. If she doesn’t like someone we’re around or something we’re doing, she’ll tell us, even if we’re upset at the time it always ends up for the best. I think she was a lot softer and more naive when she was my age, so she knows exactly how to deal with like - typical problems, you know? and then there’s my Dad. Obviously I love my parents equally, but I feel like ever since I was tiny he’s just understood me and he’s always been there. People find it sad when they say parents are their best friends but he genuinely is mine. He’s the one guy that hasn’t ever let me down, and I know he never will. So long story short, yes! We’re all close.”

THIS OR THAT

the titanic or the notebook? “The Notebook because it has a better soundtrack!” 

dc or marvel? “Marvel.”

disney or pixar? “Disney!” 

pink or green? “Pink, duh?” 

summer or winter? “It would be summer all of the way, but winter has Christmas so it automatically wins. I love Christmas.”

spring or autumn? “Spring! It’s underrated and beautiful, no matter what the weather is.” 

dogs or cats? “Both!” 

rom-coms or horrors/thrillers? “Rom-coms, definitely. Especially Bridesmaids.” 

nights in or nights out? “Nights in, I think.” 

early riser or night owl? “Early riser! I’d say night owl but I’ve never stayed awake past 10pm.”

GETTING PERSONAL

what age did you have your first kiss? “Fourteen!”

have you lost your virginity? how old were you? “Fourteen.” 

what’s your biggest regret? “I’ve done some really stupid things because guys have told me it’d be a good idea.” 

which song most reflects your life so far? “Show Yourself from Frozen 2, I cry everytime.” 

what’s your biggest fear in life? “Losing my parents. It’s going to happen one day but no.” 

do you want to get married? “I do..It’s not a popular answer, but I want the fairytale.” 

do you want children? “I don’t know yet.” 

what is a cause you feel strongly about? “Anti-bullying, there’s no need. I think we underestimate the impact your words can have on people who are 13, 14, 15, 16 and growing into themselves. Teenagers need  to be shown how to be nicer. It can ruin someone’s young adulthood completely.” 

what’s your sexuality? “I don’t know! Not straight, that’s all I know.” 

when in life did you feel the loneliest? “High school. It was a lot of, smiling when I was there, crying after school in my bedroom and then hanging out with my parents when I was conveniently left out of plans with my friends.” 

10 TRUTHS

have you ever skinny-dipped? “Why is it called skinny dipped? But no!” 

ever had inappropriate thoughts about somebody you shouldn’t? “...I’m not sure.” 

what’s the worst thing you’ve said behind somebody’s back? “I called somebody a loser once.” 

have you ever sent a sexual text? “Guilty. Sorry.” 

is there anything you dislike for no apparent reason? “Piglet! From Winnie the Pooh! Why the hell is it so dramatic?” 

what’s the most recent lie you’ve ever told? “I told the lady down in the hotel that we didn’t have any new towels so that I could have the fresh, warm ones. I know. I’m a sinner.” 

can you put your hand on your heart and say you’ve never complimented a project you didn’t really like? “That’s so mean, plus I haven’t seen a project I dislike yet.” 

the best advice you’ve ever been given? “Every conversation with my parents and sister, honestly. I’m extremely lucky?”  

a quote you try to live by? “That one about wearing pink and being smart, by Audrey Hepburn.” 

where do you want to be in ten years? “Ooh, that’s such a long time away. Being creative and free still, not too far from home.”

[earthnashes]

LAST OF UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

I started playing the very second it was made available to play and just finished it last night at like 4 in the morning. And of course it destroyed me. I love this series man so much man. ;w;

SO! I don’t usually do this but I’m like, fuckin’ dyin’ to talk about it a lil bit so if ya have plans to play it, SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT. <:

-Aight so lemme just say right off the bat that this game is fucking. Gorgeous. The environments, lighting, visual design, the level design, everything was spot on. And don’t get me started on the CHARACTER MODELS. AND ANIMATION. Like bro that shit was lifelike in not just appearance, the characters emoted and carried themselves with so much life they felt legitimately real. They were all so unique too; characters had unique special ticks to just them (Like Ellie pinching her fingers when nervous or upset, or Joel standing taller and squaring himself when talking about hard subjects like he’s bracing himself for it, or Jesse giving his stunted headtilt when he talks) and expressed in a way that was just. Bruh. Aight I’mma stop but fuckin hell what they pull off with the characters in specific in LoU (both part 1 and 2) is just somethin’ outta this world.

-For anyone interested in playing it, the game is roughly 22-30 hours long if you’re just focused on the story, and much longer still if you take the time to explore and find all the little secrets. Some secrets include unique cutscenes and dialogue that are well worth the look; I haven’t found all of ‘em yet but I’m considering trying a completionist playthrough.

-Joel’s death fucking destroyed me. I’m in no way surprised he died, but it hurt regardless, just how quickly things went south for him and Tommy there. And ELLIE. FINDING HIM AND WATCHING HIM GET REKT WAS PAIN INCARNATE. Set the tone hella hard and I’m fuckin’ here for it.

-I’m not gonna lie I fully expected to dislike Abby given she rekt Joel, even though I figured it was for a pretty good reason before it was revealed her pops was the doc Joel killed. But damn. I really enjoyed Abby, a lot actually. From a gameplay standpoint I dare say I enjoyed her section more than Ellie’s since you were BLASTING ENEMIES with those fuckin’ GUNS of hers. And by guns I mean her arms’, jesus she was shredded. As a character, she felt a lot like Ellie from a different perspective and mindset, and I really appreciated the reflection the two of them had. Two sides of the same coin, basically. Also I really, really liked how killin’ Joel brought absolutely no peace to Abby at all, and you caught her beginning to regret it. And it kinda sorta acted as the catalyst to her shift in how she viewed the world. I think that’s a good portion why she latched onto Yara and Lev so hard. Perspective is everything, and there is always more than just one side of a story.

-In the same vein I had a blast learning more about Abby’s friend group, dynamics, how she lived, who she worked for and her past and everything. Of them all I think I liked Nora the most, but Mel and Manny were both reaaaalll close seconds. O:

-Speaking of, DOGS. DOGS DOGS DOGS. So many dogs man and you got to play with and pet them! Fuck yeah. That should be a rule in gaming; if you have a cat or a dog in the game, you should have a button to pet it. Also good gorl Alice is best doggy don’t fight me on this. uwu

-Jesse and Dina were the beez knees I fuckin loved them man. They were exactly the sort of folks I can see Ellie being best friends with. ALSO, this one isn’t major, but I really appreciated that there was no love-triangle here? Dina and Jesse dated, smashed, didn’t work out but they still remained good friends. Ellie’s first reaction to seeing Jesse is to confess that she and Dina kissed, and Jesse readily accepted the fact that Dina moved on (and he had too). It’s just refreshing. No bullshit love triangle there, just three people who really understood each other. Also jesus christ, I really didn’t want Jesse to die. Goddamnit. But I’m so glad they didn’t kill Dina too like, I was fully prepared to see her get fucked up. Base rule of LoU: anyone you like has a high probability of dying. ;w;

-BRO THINKING OF JESSE, ELLIE, AND DINA MADE ME REALIZE THE PARALLEL OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO MEL, ABBY, AND OWEN. Ellie’s triangle was essentially non-existent; no feelings of betrayal or anger, just understanding and love, like there was a deep-seated bond here that would weather anything. If Jesse had lived, I wouldn’t doubt he, Ellie, and Dina would have lived together to raise the baby together. Meanwhile Abby’s triangle had Owen seeming to unable to let go of the past he and Abby had together, that poor bastard was still in love with her, and how that supplemented the slow deterioration of all three’s friendship. I was sad to see Mel turn on Abby the way she did but like. I mean.  Dude was ready to leave Mel in the dust for Abby despite HIM GETTING MEL PREGNANT. Abby also kinda did drag everyone into this, even if it was of their own violation. Oof. Though it did feel like she was angry at both Abby and Owen equally, not just blaming Abby for everything there... or at least the romantic relationship part. Honestly probably one of the few times I actually enjoyed a love triangle in a story, or at least of this caliber.

-Isaac, the leader of the WLF? He was cool as fuck. I love how much character they packed into him without even showing him too much. Like there was a scene where Nora mentions she tried to question Isaac about Owen and she said “he gave her that fucking look and told her to drop it”. Hell, when he was talking to Abby, he isn’t that much taller than her but he felt like he outright dwarfed her with the way he carried himself and how they reacted to him. I love shit like that man. But anyway fuck Isaac. uwu

-Not gonna lie I kinda wish I got to see the leader of the Seraphites, but it was hella cool to learn that she had been dead already and how the Seraphites operated with and without her. I don’t think I found everything regarding that specific point in game, but it sounded a lot like a peaceful religious leader who’s words and teachings were twisted to suit the goals of corrupt members of the tribe. She was essentially an equivalent to Jesus, at least to the Seraphites.

-I honestly really loved all of the characters introduced but I have to admit that Lev and Yara were standouts. Yara’s one hell of a big sister, lemme tell you, and the lengths she went through to make sure Lev was safe really shooketh me. AND LEV. MY CHILD. MY SON. To those of you who are familiar with the LGBT+ controversy around the game, he and Ellie are what people are complaining about. Ellie because she’s gay, Lev because he’s trans.

Lev in particular was heartbreaking. His tribe were outright hunting him for who he was, as well as Yara because she chose to protect him. The mindset the tribe had was pretty much isolated to them though.

And jesus. That scene with him and his mother? Fuck.

-YARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA :( BRUH that scene pissed me off, fuck you Isaac, you bastard.

-THE SCENE. WHEN YOU PLAY AS ABBY. AND YOU FIGHT ELLIE. WAS SO FUCKING COOL. AND SCARY. Ellie man, that section really showed how efficient and smart she is. She legit tricked me a few times not gonna lie, like I thought she didn’t see me but she’d pretend she wouldn’t, only to ambush me with a FUCKING MOLY. Also the fact that the game outright says “hey uhhhhh you can’t actually take her head on, she’ll fuck you up in a heartbeat bro”. Welp. A really strange mix of horror and sadness and pride there. Hm. :/

-Mom!Ellie was so fucking sweet to see. And it made me catch a glimpse of hope that Ellie actively tried to soldier through for her fam’s sake. But she clearly had demons she had to confront and I’m angry at Tommy for disrupting her and Dina’s life, but it felt necessary. Still made me sick to my stomach to watch her go after Dina fucking BEGS HER TO STAY. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Speaking of Tommy, it was so sad to see how much he fell after Joel’s death. It really showed just how much he was like his brother though; underneath a gentle man is someone you best not trifle with, and is very familiar with doing horrific things to reach a goal. Because fuckin hell, Tommy is legit a badass. That sniper part was SO. COOL. Aaaaand terrifying. RIP Manny. :/

-Bro, I’m very curious to see more about the Rattlers but. They were fucked up in a special kind of way. There’s no telling what they did to those people they captured and enslaved. Seeing Abby in the state she was in after seeing her throughout all the game in tip-top shape was painful. That poor girl was literally skin and bones and... just beaten down.

-ELLIE AND ABBY’S FINAL FIGHT WAS SO SAD. I HATED (but I loved) EVERY SECOND OF IT. I was so scared Ellie had fully lost herself there, when she threatens an unconscious Lev to force Abby to fight, who at that point, very clearly didn’t want to. Honestly. Ellie clearly didn’t either, far as I could tell, but it felt like it was the only way she knew how to confront everything. Fight it, until you kill it, or you die. It also felt like Abby understood that since she was in Ellie’s shoes once upon a time.

-I don’t care what anyone else says I’m so happy Ellie let Abby go. I’m so glad she chose not to go through with it. For so long Ellie has been angry and resentful about a lot of things, and she never got a choice once throughout the majority of her journey. As much as I will 100% agree with Joel sayin “fuck this supposed cure, fuck the Fireflies”, it’s not fair of him, or the Fireflies, to just outright take that choice from her, that she didn’t really have one to begin with. She was justifiably angry with Joel and the moment she chooses to try and forgive him, he dies. Another choice stolen away from her. The fact that she chose mercy despite everything, and it was prompted by a memory of Joel, the very reason she was doing this, is profound to me. Like she finally understood why he did what he did, and why he said he’d absolutely do it all over again. Hell, she probably even reached the understanding that her and Abby really aren’t that different from one another in that aspect.

-Ellie returning to an empty home, with Dina and JJ gone, was heartwrenching. I fully understand why Dina left and she honestly had every right to, but it still hurt man. :C AND ELLIE. PLAYING THE SONG JOEL MADE/SUNG FOR HER. ALWAYS KILLED ME. But this instance in particular was something else man like fuck I balled like a baby. Especially when it was followed by the fact that Ellie and Joel were on the cusp of mending their broken relationship only for it to be ripped away man. Goddamnit.

-ELLIE AND JOEL DUET NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. FUCKIN HELL I love this game.

-----------------------------------------

So, this isn’t really a review more than it is me just sharing some of my thoughts on the game, but if ya want me to give it a rating? 10/10. If not a perfect score? At least a 9/10.

The Last Of Us as a series is one that’s moved me more than any other game I can think of honestly (outside of Telltale’s The Walking Dead), and just like the first one, LoU2 left me thinking about it for hours after. It’s thought-provoking, it’s compelling, it’s fun as fuck, aaaaand it’s made me cry like a baby a good number of times. I also really appreciate the fact that, in this game, they actually show the consequences of your actions. Like, they made you consider the fact that you aren’t just killing grunts to get to the next enemy or mowing through mindless drones. You’re killing people, who have lives, and friends, and families.

We got to see Joel for who he was: a very broken man, with a very dark past, who has done very horrible things in this shitty post apocalyptic world, but he is a father, and protective, and loving and thoughtful, who will do anything, anything, to protect Ellie. Blood or not, Ellie is through and through his child. But Abby only saw a monster, and could you blame her? He killed her father, and countless others, and she never got the full story. Just that a man came in and killed the entire hospital, put an end to even the smallest possibility of finding a cure, killed her dad in cold blood, and walked away no problem. And then it cycles right back to Ellie, where Abby becomes her monster.

It’s just some grade-A storytelling as far as I’m concerned, and I’m someone who usually prefers happy endings. LoU always leaves me feeling bittersweet but goddamn do I love this series. I’m kinda hoping for a DLC, to be honest? Like LoU part one, where you found out about Ellie and Riley. I wanna see what happens to Ellie; I get the distinct feeling she returns to Jackson and hopefully scrounges out some semblance of a decent life there, after confronting Tommy and (hopefully) making peace with Dina. But we’ll see! uwu

[certifiedskywalker]

Walk in the Park - Bucky Barnes

In a desperate search for peace and release, you take a walk in the park. Only, what you find isn’t the type of relief you expected.

(This turned out waaaaaay longer than I thought it would! Enjoy! Feedback is always appreaciated!)

Initially, you went off to the park to hike in the hopes of clearing your mind. After stewing your bedroom for days, thoughts racing alongside doubts, you needed to break free of the cycle. A hike, you surmised, would suffice. That was how you found yourself wandering about a section of forest, lost and more on edge than you were before.

It was a new section of the park near your home, added as a memorial to those who had been lost after Thanos’ invasion. A statue of Iron Man sat in the center, surrounded by other stone monuments inscribed with the names of the rest of the victims. It was a bittersweet sight, driving you to hurry along on the path through a grove of trees. However, you spike of energy is soon lost. The path beneath your feet is covered with foliage and you find yourself walking along a crystal-blue lake.

“Great,” you sigh, letting out a heavy breath as you stared out across the lake. You rested your hands on your hips and kept yourself from crying. Focus trained on the shimmering waves of the water, you try to suppress the shaking of your shoulders. Finally, the stress had overwhelmed you to the point of tears.

You couldn’t pinpoint the exact cause: work, family, or simply life as a whole. Something had stolen you peace and calm state of mind. Now, you were just tired of it. There was no strength left in your bones or heart to wipe at the tears that flowed down your cheeks. Instead of moving, you stared into the depths of the lake, hoping for some savor to part the water.

“Hey, are you okay?” For a moment, you feared your wish had come to fruition. Yet the lake remained whole, despite the soothing voice that had reached out to you. You looked over to your right and saw the man who had been so concerned. He was tall, brown shoulder length hair and thick scruff that made him look like a New York hipster. If it weren’t for his kind blue eyes, you would have walked off.

“I mean,” you sniffled and began to wipe at your tears in slight embarrassment, “I’ve been better, I guess.” The man gave you a sympathetic half-smile before taking a step towards you. You peer wearily at his extended hand but find that, in his soft grasp, a little pack of tissues was offered out to you. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” he murmured as you plucked the pack from his hand. A moment of silence passes between the two of you and you feel as if you should thank him again. Never before had some stranger shown you such kindness. You can’t help but sneak a glance at him out of the corner of your eye, taking in the strong jaw and slightly furrowed brow. Whoever he was, he looked just as tired as you were; if not more so.

“I-I uh,” you swallowed, trying to steady your voice, “don’t normally just...cry anywhere.” You turn your head briefly, gauging the man’s reaction and expecting to see him smiling. He wasn’t smiling, at least not in a way that was condescending to you. The man was frowning, eyes still trained on the lake as if to give you some sort of privacy.

“You don’t have to explain,” he replied, “the lake has a way of washing any walls away. A lot of people come here and just….”

“Reflect?” You ask, finishing his trailing sentence. The man turns and nods at you, blue eyes piercing into your soul. You had to peel your eyes off of him, not wanting to scare him off.

“I’m Bucky, by the way,” the man, Bucky, said softly.

“I’m Y/N,” you greeted, looking back up at him. Bucky shot you a fleeting smile, one that you wished had stayed a little longer. “Thanks again, for the tissues.”

You handed back the small package back to Bucky but he held up his hand, pulling it from his jacket pocket. In the same moment he was about to refuse them, his phone chimed. He pulled his other hand from his pocket, a hand with metal fingers wrapped around his phone. Metal. Quickly, he answered the call, mouthing a sad ‘excuse me’ to you.

The call was swift for in a manner of seconds and a few mumbles of agreement, Bucky was by your side once more. His cheeks were slightly reddened, flushed from either the breeze that had stirred up the waves of the lake or something said in conversation. The glint in his eyes hinted to you that it was whoever was on the other end of the phone that sparked the blush. Part of you ached at that realization.

“You can keep that,” Bucky continued, as if the call never had occurred. “Maybe you can return the favor if I see you again.”

“Yeah, yes, of course,” you stammered, giving him a hopeful look. “You have to go?” Bucky nodded, blinking a few times as he looked at you.

“I do, but I’ll see you the next time you walk in the park?” As he asked, Bucky began to walk backwards, hands stuffed back in his jacket pockets.

“Yeah, you will,” you replied with the hints of a smile resting on your lips.

“Great,” Bucky gushed. He was turning on his heel when you spoke up again.

“Good luck saving the world again,” you shouted, low spirits forgotten the moment Bucky turned and gave you the brightest smile you had ever seen in your life. He held up his metal hand with his thumb up in symbolic thanks before darting off. You watched Bucky Barnes walk off and wondered how the media had gotten the story of the supposed ‘killer’ so wrong. A harsh wind blew, nearly knocking you off your feet. Instinctively, you grip tightened around the tissues Bucky had given you. Braving the newfound chill, you made your way home.

To better combat the growing cold, you tugged your coat close over your shoulders. You had began to regret sitting on the wooden bench beside the lake. The water had fallen victim to that winter freeze despite the lack of snowfall. Edges were the lake met the shore were crisp with fresh ice as the grey clouds blocked out the sun. Winter was on the cusp of unleashing its full potential on the East coast.

Before you could stand and walk along the lakeside to warm up, the crunching of dead grass under foot filled your ears. “Sorry for being late.”

“Hmm, cat burglar?” You teased as Bucky sat beside you. The wood of the bench creaked with his added weight but you were thankful for his presence. Bucky was so warm, especially as he let out a laugh at your question.

“No,” he beamed, sending you an amused look, “I was visiting someone.” He turned his attention to the lake noting, just as you had, the growing frost along the surface of the water. You raised your eyebrows at Bucky and bumped your shoulder against his. “What?”

“Well you can’t not tell me who!” You exclaimed, “if this someone is more important than being on time for our weekly walk-and-talks, I feel I should know about her.” Bucky’s blue eyes widened at your words and you felt that maybe, since the first time you had met the Winter Soldier, you had overstepped.

Ever since that first walk in the park, you made it your mission to see Bucky again to make up for the tissues. When you finally saw him again, at the same time on the same day as you first met, you gave him a whole box of tissues. The two of you had laughed and meeting at the lake had soon become a tradition in your budding friendship. You would be uncredible if you didn’t admit meeting him every week wasn’t out of some selfish intent.

Bucky had soon cemented his shoulder as your to cry on. Whenever life dragged you one way and him in the other, you would meet at the park. It was nice having someone to talk to and that’s all you thought it was. That was, until, you started to notice how handsome Bucky was and how your heart would drum in your chest whenever you saw him. Your heart was beating wildly as Bucky stared at you, unable to speak.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” you placated, hoping to diffuse the tension that had suddenly mounted between you. “I just, I was joking around. You don’t have to tell me, Bucky.”

“No, it’s not that,” Bucky murmured, the lightest of blushes had risen to his cheeks. “It just wasn’t a ‘her’ that I was visiting.” Oh, you thought, so he’s taken and really not interested in you. You bit back the stinging sensation in your chest and smiled at him.

“That’s nice. Is he-”

“My friend, Steve. He’s a bit older than me,” Bucky explained and you had to stifle your sigh of twisted contentment at the fact it was just a friend. “I was asking him for advice.”

“And not me? Ouch, Bucky, that hurts,” you jab, poking his cheek gently. He smiled at you tenderly, but you detected the serious undertone of his expression. “What did you need advice for?”

“Steve got married a while back,” Bucky began, “so I figured he could offer some solid relationship advice.” Bucky met your gaze and you nodded.

“That’s good logic, depending on the state of his marriage.”

“It was happy, I think, but she died of...she died.” You frowned and grabbed Bucky’s gloved hand and squeezed it comfortingly. “Anyway,” he continued, still holding your hand, “I needed to ask about how he knew he liked his wife in the first place. He told the whole story, even the part I knew already, in completion. That is why I was late.”

“He really loved her then,” you muse aloud and Bucky nods. He tears his eyes from yours and looks out to the lake solemnly. “So...how did he know?”

“He said that whenever he looked at her, it was like he could see all the colors a little bit brighter and the world a little bit nicer.” Bucky’s voice shook you to the core, despite his eyes never once leaving the lake. You felt his hand squeeze yours gently and you looked down at your intertwined fingers. It looked like a perfect match.

“Steve sounds like a smart guy,” you murmured and Bucky chuckled lightly.

“Don’t tell him that,” his blue eyes met your gaze once more, “it’ll go right to his head.” You smiled at him and then it was your turn to stare out in the lake. Eyes were not needed to know that Bucky was fixed on you. His gaze bored into your body and you felt that there was a thunder storm raging in your chest, rousing your heart into a mad frenzy.

“He’s right though,” you insisted, “it’s what it feels like.” Hesitantly, you turned your gaze to Bucky’s. Hawk-like eyes were still trained on you and you smiled when he nodded in agreement. Mouth parted, he licked his lips nervously and sat up a bit straighter against the back of the bench. A new tension, a better tension than before, was now nestled between you and Bucky. It was the tension you had been longing for.

“He is,” he agreed, “it happens whenever I see you. It’s like the first time, over and over again. But you’re smiling and happier.” You smile, not to make his point clear as it already was. A gloved hand slipped from yours and under your chin, holding your gaze on him in place.

“I’m smiling now because of you, you know,” you murmured. Bucky grinned before leaning in. At first, it was a soft brush of your lips and his; a teasing touch that ignited a new heat that conflicted with the winter around you both. Then, it was all that heat. You lips melded with his own and you felt whole. Bucky’s grip on your jaw tightened slightly as you hand trailed up his coat covered chest. Always so warm.

Soon enough, your fingers cupped Bucky’s neck and pressed him impossibly close. It was as if you had been nourished on his affection, then starved only have him returned to you now. You needed him in that sense; and you felt that he needed you in the same way. He was smiling into the kiss as you parted to catch your breath.

“I didn’t have to ask,” Bucky panted, pressing his forehead to yours, Your shared breaths mingled together between the little space between your bodies. “I knew.”

“Then you should have done that sooner,” you beamed, rubbing the frigid tip of your nose against his own.

“I guess we’ll just have to make up for lost time,” Bucky teased before he captured your lips in yet another searing kiss. You were both so enthralled with each other that you both failed to notice the snow fall. It was the perfect start to winter. The perfect start of a new chapter of your life, shared with Bucky Barnes.

[juleswolverton-hyde]

Silver Egoism

Genre: Smut, Friends to Lovers, Idol AU

Pairing: Jimin x Reader ft. Jungkook

Warnings: Voyeurism, exhibitionism, dom!/top!Jimin, unprotected car sex (ALWAYS do it safely, lads and lasses), choking, heartbreak, swearing/cussing, creampie, multiple rounds, male masturbation, phone sex (to some degree), overstimulation, (semi-)public sex (does car sex count as that?)

Summary: Within a band as close as a family there is no room for egoism, but one night the envy can no longer be suppressed as a rabbit in love unintentionally tries to outdo a silver fox.

Because when it comes to Love, the rules are different.

And Jealousy will do anything to gain the winning hand.

Masterlist

Friendships can unconsciously deepen by means of little gestures going beyond the realm of mere kindness and gifts to show a person holds more meaning to the other than initially thought. However, even then, the meaning can get lost in translation when the receiver does not reciprocate the emotions which are endeavoured to be shown.

As is the case with the obsidian leather jacket and Chanel necklace gifted to the girl met way back in high school sitting in the chair opposite Jungkook, happily chatting as an unrequited heart sits next to one that recently confessed his feelings for the woman doing the presents justice during a night of drinking white wine together. And despite being like brothers, hating the warm smiles and timidly roseate cheeks whenever Y/N comes over cannot be helped. Still, there is no merit in destroying a close bond on the grounds of unrequited love and henceforth a tongue toxically green with envy remains silent as it pretends to watch cat videos while actually observing the love of a lifetime through the lens of the camera.

Eventually, as the hour grows later and the morning brings the preparation for an interview, the chatter between friends regarded by a hushed third party dies down with the realization of having to make an early start and that going to bed would be the sensible course of action.

‘Alright, I should go.’ Y/N stretches like a feline, a habit likely picked up by hanging out with Yoongi, who is not any competition whatsoever for he acts more like a nagging older brother than a potential rival. And that is fortunate because regardless of having known him longer than yesterday, the musical genius remains a somewhat intimidating individual one should not mess with. ‘I’ll be watching the interview as soon as it comes out. Good luck, lads.’

‘If you want, I can drive you home.’ Jungkook rises simultaneously with the beautiful companion, pulling focused irises away from the screen towards reality. 

‘Thanks, but-’

‘I’ll drive her home.’ It comes out on a whim and more vicious than intended, redirecting all attention buzzing in the amicable living room still filled with the energy of the barbecue to celebrate the first good summer weather giving a clear navy and violet twilight sky adorned by sparkling stars. Unfortunately, the splendid circumstances had turned sour by the tropical monsoon that the wind whispered hints of while munching on shaved ice, pushing eight souls indoors. However, it also meant the gorgeous girl was, to much selfish relief, chased off the picnic bench just as Kook tried to sit her down on his lap in a supposedly casual fashion were it not for the clearly yet slowly hardening shape in tight denim jeans.

‘Jimin-ah, are you alright? Why are you upset?’ Taehyung’s brows furrow in sad confusion, always sensitive to the moods of anyone near the golden heart aware of the surroundings more than one might think. ‘Do you want to talk about it? I hate to see you angry.’

‘I’m fine, Tae Tae. Just tired.’ A gentle smile is fabricated with effort but has enough of an effect to make a sometimes too gullible mind believe it for the moment. Howbeit hesitantly so. ‘I’ll just take Y/N home and call it a night.’

‘Hyung, the last few performances have been hard on you so-’ The maknae speaks up again, undaunted by the sharp edge to unintended hostility, and proposes to kindly take on the role of the driver as intended.

But is repaid by the same too venomous irritated exhaustion. Withal, it is not physical tiredness but more so purely emotional. Sensitively sick, all emotions that have bottled up thanks to having to hide in order to save everything coming to a dangerous boiling point. ‘I said I’ll take her home, Kook.’

‘Chim, calm down. You’re clearly exhausted.’ The scent of tulips in spring has appeared between warring parties of which solely one is aware of the fight. The hand first covering a racing heart, the cause of the adrenaline easily mistakable for stress while it is truly the touch and her nearness, rising to swiftly comb through silver manes before coming to rest on the cheek. ‘I’ll be fine on my own and text once I’m home, alright?’

The sweet innocence of sparkling soothing eyes triggers perhaps the most idiotic and selfish decision ever, the storm of feelings no longer able to be contained. Not when being this close and every sense is overrun by the familiar scent of the never-changing perfume, the comforting touch whenever thinking all that is done or said or both will never be enough.

That I am not enough.

For her.

Notwithstanding, just tonight those lingering haunting doubts are put aside as lips unexpectedly crash into each other and a small palm grabs the behind that should have tried to sit on the lap it always does. There is no resistance nor pulling away, only the envelopment of the other cheek and a barely audible gasp dimmed by six-headed surprise filled by soft humoured baritone chuckles when not staring on in speechlessness.

And the broken heart of a long-time amazing now betrayed friend.

Alongside the cruel carelessness of not paying the pain any mind, focusing on making a lasting imprint on long-longed for lips that will ignite a hunger for more instead of on the world coming to a halt. 

An existence that slowly starts to turn again as mouths part, a soft murmur all that remains between them and possessive fingers entwining. ‘I’ll take you home. Let’s go.’

‘Um, yeah.’ The attempt of creating a lasting impression is clearly successful, Y/N rendered wordless and needing a second to gain composure before being dragged out the front door with an absent wave of goodbye. ‘Good luck, lads. Figh-’

And plopped down in the passenger seat of the shadowy onyx BMW 8 Series Convertible, proudly brought after completing the driving test and gaining a driver’s license. Swiftly, the belt is fastened and fashionable boots make way to the other side of the vehicle to do the same.

Soon, the engine roars to life, tires screeching over the driveway wrapped in the dusk and speeding towards the illuminated heart of the city. 

Towards the medium-sized luxury apartment given as a birthday present last year, simply due to being able to pay for it and wanting the beloved to live a good life. 

It has to be said, however, that the current home is a compromise because the original penthouse did not get accepted nor the option to share a roof because the gorgeous woman “did not want to keep me away from the guys and give me space”.

Yet, what was failed to be noticed was that the empty gap carved into an unrequited heart is solely filled by her presence. The reason for that is simple: it is not about money nor fame nor stage persona.

It is about an old friend. 

The dancer from Busan.

Chiminie.

‘Uhm, Jimin... about that kiss...’

‘I don’t regret it, especially not because it was in front of everyone.’ Palms tighten around the leather of the steering wheel, voice reduced to dangerous egotistical jealousy. Teeth grit at the memory of the barbecue, Kook trying to settle the wonderful girl at the window displaying a rapid blurry landscape on muscled thighs. 

Deform into a snarl when remembering the hardened shape in pants she would have sat against, feeling it. ‘In front of Jungkook.’

‘Jungkook? What does he have to do with this?’ Brows furrow in confusion, sincerely not making the infuriating connection between statements and acts. 

‘How can you not understand? After all the hints?’ With a loud noise as of nails scratching a blackboard a sharp turn towards the body of water flowing through the metropolitan is taken, stirring up gravel while descending to the river bank underneath the nearest metal monster of a bridge. 

Here, at the waterside reflecting the life of night owls, the engine is turned off before shifting to face the uncomprehending beautiful mistake with perhaps too sharp a tone. ‘I am in love with you! Fucking head over heels.’

‘Why? Why me?’

‘Because with you, I’m normal. With you, I’m okay.’ Frustrated shoulders relax as the volume of speech lowers to a normal conversational level instead of being barely shy of shouting. ‘With you, I’m just Park Jimin, a regular Busan boy.’

‘You’ve never been anyone else to me. Not a celebrity nor a distant person suddenly too good to hang out with normal people.’ A stern severity dims the well-meaning light in honest eyes caressing the cheek once more, the tenderness fading into flickering worry. ‘However, the guy I saw in the living room is somebody I don’t know. Who is he?’

‘He is the guy who cannot deal with seeing his best friend try his luck with the girl he actually loves. He’s the short-tempered unpredictable envious me.’

The me without you.

A persona who rises again by grabbing the wrist to place a wanting kiss on the inside, to take in the scent of young spring clad in leather. At war with the genuine ego forced to simmer beneath the surface and fighting a battle consisting of equal strength. ‘A guy I would never want you to date unless it’s me. No, even if it was me, you shouldn’t. Never let toxic people into your life because it is so short already.’

For a second, Y/N merely looks at double-edged melancholic lips resting on tulip skin. Were it possible, being frozen in this exact moment would likely be the best outcome of the story since this is all there shall ever be if the risked friendship continues to exist.

This is all we have.

All I have.

All that will ever be.

Although, the curiously withholding of something unspoken while continuing to solace a lonesome boy with love forms a hint towards a detail which might alter the seemingly hopeless train of thought. ‘Life’s indeed short, incredibly so. But, Jimin, because it is thus, it also makes every minute with a beloved more precious.’

‘What are you saying?’ Nothing in the attitude leaning forward gives away a straight explanation of the hidden meaning behind the wisdom likely picked up thanks to hanging out with Namjoon hyung. Again, it is fortunate the rapper is merely seen as an older brother instead of being real competition. 

‘We see each other very little, but each time we do I’m impossibly glad I have you back for a brief while. My best friend, my...’ The end of the sentence floats in the tense air, blushing cheeks refusing to speak the last part. 

‘Your what?’

But eventually do. 

‘My... crush.’

The two words spin around, warming up veins grown into arrogant ice and inflating pride to an indescribable extent. Gradually the meaning truly dawns, making both warring egos within mutually smile in relieved excited delight. 

The grabbed wrist is lead to regions below where the effects of the frustration still boil painfully though were able to be ignored until now, distracted by the suppressed jealous rage resulting in an outburst. The bottom lip is caught between teeth, not resisting another action of the selfish persona clearly elated by the confession and who has taken over demeanour entirely. Rather, it is perversely fascinated despite playing coy, more so when Y/N’s palm spreads out over hot denim like a blooming flower. ‘Chim, erm, heh, wh- what are you doing?’

I could ask you the same, pretending to be innocent and yet not hiding the need for me.

‘Get in the back, princess.’ Spurred on by the intimate contact essentially ignited by oppressed apparently futile rage, huskiness naturally creeps into the vocal manner of a chest slowly starting to struggle for breath. 

‘What?’ Keeping up the pretense or mayhaps sincerely confused by the rapid change in atmosphere, the gorgeous mistress manages to glance away from the point of fascination and take on the roll of the seeker of answers in dark irises regardless of knowing to find none.

‘Backseat. Now.’

Not until a somewhat clumsy way is made to the designated place after hearing the demanding growl and undoing the seatbelt, the hands of a best friend from a great harbour city coming to rest on hips at the end of an enchanting wake. 

Until those same hands creep up underneath the oversized shirt despicably lent from someone else before the chance to run up the stairs to retrieve something from the personal collection of clothing, the jacket discarded beforehand. Jungkook had the advantage by being situated on the ground floor of the dorm and literally sprinted to his room once a step into the kitchen was set.

Rip it to reveal the classy Victoria Secret bra underneath.

Another gift.

The meaning of which has only become clear now.

Stone-hued locks tilt to the side in amusement, loving the revelation that compliments the simple Chanel necklace perfectly. ‘Well, would you look at that. Wearing something I got you beneath the shirt of another.’ However, some of the delight dies into the snarling grave of fury at the thought of a charming bunny who outdid a silver fox. ‘Jungkook’s.’

‘He simply offered it so I wouldn’t catch a cold.’ An undignified huff reputes the selfish demeanour though the split second a pout forms tells of a pleasure in driving a boy with love to madness.

Into a persona. 

If that is how the game is going to be played, so be it. Anything to make Y/N happy, to create something of our own. Henceforth, husky lips hover over parted ones, teased and left wordless. ‘It sure looked like it, but we both know better. He wanted to see you wearing his shirt, would likely have slipped the scene to see you change into it.’

‘He isn’t like that.’

‘Fair enough, the latter doesn’t apply. Nevertheless, he wanted to confess to you tonight, make you his.’ A cruel smile unconsciously carves itself onto the mouth, thinking of the faltering young face in a disappointed vividly painted image. ‘What a surprise would it have been for him to discover my brand on you.’

‘You’re not so cruel as to actually mean that, are you?’ In spite of the contrasting message by palms slipping to the behind to bring heated bodies closer, big eyes shine with the plead for the current state of mind to not be truthful. Still, the squirming when beginning to move at a slow steady pace to fuel the heat below further while undoing the claps and tossing the bra aside hints at being entranced by the domination. Especially submissive to the tyranny when placing soft kisses from the chest up towards the ear. 

To whisper nothing but twilight sincerity. ‘Yes, tonight I am. I meant every word I said in the little periods of time we got to spend together and always will. Life’s too difficult already to complicate it further with lies.’

And show you anyone but myself.

Staying faithful to the thought, skinny jeans are contrastingly calmly tugged off before removing the pair of blushing consenting irises. They know the actual message behind the cryptic wisdom, acknowledging they are not the sole ones to be influenced by the wise leader of BTS. ‘I don’t want to lie to you.’

‘You don’t have, ah, to. Never h- had to.’ Affectionately, warm palms envelop the cheeks while the steady rhythm makes remaining in control of any sense of civilization much harder. And if not that, the barely chaste kisses surely are the cause alongside the bared skin revealed from discarded boxers achingly gliding over wet cotton. 

‘Can I ask you something?’ Enough self-control can be exerted to form an important question and register the significant meaning of the nod waiting for the inquiry. ‘Can I be selfish just a little while longer?’

‘Yes.’ The alluring warmth is revealed from beneath the underwear of which the hedonic scent sends the mind into a hazed frenzy and cuts patience short with its temptation. ‘Y- Yes, Jimin!’

Every inch adds to the scenic teary-eyed sight below on the backseat, nails digging into skin helping to colour the painting, guiding hips temporarily slowed down to adjust to the novel enrapturing heat. Exclusive to a harbour town boy with love, the guy beneath the flirty stage persona millions of voices encourage and fawn over.

But he solely does over one person.

The woman beautifully responding to every new strike as shades blend behind shut lashes and create fireworks with every meeting of mouths and stroke.

Something of our own.

This.

This perfect picture.

This is what we have.

Our ending.

And it wants to be shown to the one who almost shredded the canvas.

‘Wha- What are you d- doing? Jimin?’ Y/N looks sensually aghast laced with astonished disappointment at being left hanging somewhere along the way to euphoria despite the harmony of hues strengthened by muffled lewd sounds and physical guidance.

‘Just a minute, princess.’ A rapid mischievous kiss means to nullify the stun, which it does at the cost of creating a quizzical expression on a blushing face as the jeans thrown onto the ground are reached for. From the back pocket, fingers fish out the telephone and dial Jungkook’s number.

After going over thrice, the call is picked up. ‘Hyung? What’s up, why are you- oh.’

Oh, indeed, because neither of the two other parties fully realizes what is going on in the dazed mind under a sensational hypnosis of colourful touches until advances come freely again to resume a shared endeavour long longed for. Exploited at a more savage pace to compose compositions that could not exist with the former method, exacting bittersweet revenge on the steadily becoming breathless young rabbit hanging on the other side of the line.

Tethering.

Alone.

Whereas a Busan dancer and mistress are together on the verge of toppling over the edge.

The arrogant knowledge of this truth sounds through in the proudly jeering undertone of a clear voice leaving no room for mistake, wanting to create havoc to enjoy in schadenfreude. ‘Shit, Jungkook, she’s really tight. Takes cock so well. And her tits, so fucking nice and bouncy.’

And rejoice in the flushed cheeks of the woman the heart has been beating for since the first meeting during a student exchange in high school. Albeit with a degrading manner that expresses the frustration of not entirely coming first at the moment. ‘Do you like that, huh? Being such a slut that you’ve got a man masturbating to hearing me pound you hard and liking it? Spreading your legs just as soon as dick is offered to you?’

The response merely consists of desperate agreeing whines, the warm colours growing hotter as the unintelligible words tumble forth and also spur on the absent yet present boy in love turned sinful in audible fanciful solitude. ‘Fuck, hyung, keep talking like that to her. She sounds so pretty, so whiny.’

The original intent has been reached, egotistically claiming the girl who has been there since the rise of Bangtan while simultaneously feeling the backlash of the sting the chosen punishment for both men in need of chastisement. One for greed and one for attempting to prevent this canvas. ‘Shut up, she’s mine. This is all you’ll get of her, all you’ll hear of her. Just tonight. And I want you to know it’s me between her thighs, not you.’

However, the sneered rebuke is not cared about as the maknae is too lost to actually care, too enraptured by the painting that cannot be seen and close to catch up with the final strokes leading to elevated completion. Notwithstanding, as the sole consciousness same enough to be somewhat of a source of order in the corrupt chaos, the final ultimate state of bliss does not want to be reached before a warning is made very clear.

To hear the mutual claim on me from the panting wonderful enchantress lying on the ruined shirt of an equally as destroyed rival. Hence is why a palm wraps around the heated throat to close off any means of air, the last extreme move to exert dominance. ‘C’mon, tell him how much better I am. That you want me, not him. Say it.’

‘K- Kookie, he- he’s so good.’ The following dominantly rough stroke coaxes out a wonderful complacent high-pitched stream claiming the canvas and the initial painter despite the narrow access to air. ‘Better than you. Fuck! So, so much better. I want him, o- only him.’

After a few repeatings of the same scenario, irritating due to a third wheel yet marvellous thanks to the stunning union, both the defeated golden maknae and Y/N lose a grip on reality. 

However, since it happens simultaneously, the younger boy might use it to his advantage in daring yet intolerable later advances or to fancy a colourful storm together with her when not being there. Regardless of what the ulterior goal of the split second of breaking into blissful fragments might turn out to be, it forces the actually still selfishly desperate hand of a boy with love. ‘And yet you cream all over me just as Jungkook cums. Looks like my princess doesn’t know how to show respect and loyalty.’

But anything can be taught if using the appropriate manner, thus hardening the strokes until screaming alabaster flows freely and ever onward without stopping.

Action.

Reaction.

Result. 

‘My name, Y/N. Scream my name.’ The slightly slackened hold on the throat forcefully strengthens again, mirroring the reinvigorated power pinning an otherwise wild waist down. ‘Scream my fucking name. Over. And. Over.’

Every word of the last command is accentuated by a sharp advance establishing the desired effect, tuning out almost completely the agonized though satisfied moans of bunny nerves being driven into overdrive. Notwithstanding, instead of allowing them to invoke another euphoria shared with the woman belonging to another, the call is ended just to childishly leave Jungkook hanging dry. ‘Keep calling, babe. He won’t get to hear you again.’

One final stroke triggers the primal second floating in ignorant bliss together with the claimed fleeting soul basking in the dusk enlightened by night owls.

A moment of us. 

Slowly and carefully, arms shivering with the blast of shades which are slowly erased lower and meet a warm welcoming pair lovingly enveloping dishevelled grey locks. The soft cheek against which a palm having calmed down in demeanour, no longer suffocating, comes to rest leans into the touch, breathless but sighing in gladness.

‘Did... did you like it? I’m sorry I involved Kook into this, but I couldn’t think clearly. I didn’t want him to confess because I was afraid I’d lose you and that, well, resulted in the self-centred man you’ve been seeing this entire night.’ The confession bordering on a futile waterfall going around in circles manages to be stopped at a good point, preventing speech from crossing the line and falling into a spiral. Instead, the dewy hot throat scented by spring tulips is nuzzled while enjoying the perfume.

‘Had it been anyone else, I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed it as much as I did. So, yes, I really liked it. Really, really liked it.’ A short moment filled with happy giggles lifts a grand part of the heaviness of heart caused by egoism, delighted to no extent upon hearing the sincere amused yet meaningful tone in Y/N’s voice. ‘And before you ask, no matter who the persona is you happen to be in the moment, I still like you.’

‘Even when I’m an arrogant selfish bastard ruining the hopes of his best friend?’

‘Don’t think of it that way, Chim. It’s the choice I made and I have chosen what is right for me. For what I have wanted for the longest time.’

‘I have as well. Wanted this, that is. Even when the company told me I couldn’t.’ A shake of the head dismisses the melancholic thought of the manager’s voice sternly renouncing dating as breathing becomes a tad shallow with grief. ‘This is what’s been hurting me, not being with you. The person who makes me love myself.’

‘Is it selfish then?’

‘No?’ Despite the underlying suggestion, the response is doubtful because the ego overrun by the sensual drive to claim wanted the same but exerted its will in an egotistical manner at the cost of another.

‘No. No, it isn’t. We finally have what we have wanted all along. I don’t want Jungkook and you don’t want somebody else. We’re happy and happiness is never selfish.’ The kiss on the forehead is soothing, assuring of the determined righteousness of the statement and solacing in the request that follows in its wake. ‘Stay over tonight. It’s been too long.’

‘Indeed, too long.’

Too long for true self-love to return.

To have kept it waiting at the door of the familiar apartment.

In empty arms finally embracing the one they should.

Just like the stars in the navy sky transforming into dusky black.

Waiting.

For us. 

[fluidityandgiggles]

Dalton Big Bang day 22 - That’s What We’re Here For

Writing Masterpost, AO3 Link

Notes: Logan in therapy is a thing I care about very deeply and he needs a good therapist to help him out. Did you really think I'll write about anyone else in therapy?

"This is Dr. Blake's office," Johnny told Logan as they left the horrid medicinal smell of the office building and entered a room that could best be described as what would happen if a unicorn projectile-vomited.

Well, maybe he was exaggerating a little, but still! The walls were a light lilac color, decorated with fairy lights and childish doodles painted on colorful paper; the wall near the door had several bookcases on it, full of crafting supplies and tabletop games and books Logan didn't care to check out, and next to them was a white desk with two colorful chairs right up against the wall.

There were also a small coffee table and a light blue suede couch opposite the desk and chairs. The couch was covered with plushies and there was a soft blanket folded neatly on the armrest. That was the biggest offender in his opinion. That couch in particular.

On that couch sat a young man, about somewhere in his thirties, sipping a cup of tea and looking straight at Logan. He sported slightly messy light brown hair, in a way that still seemed intentionally so, and frameless glasses that sat high on the bridge of his nose; Logan believed that, had the glasses been different, maybe his green argyle sweater vest and khaki pants combo would look less nerdy and more… well, more like something. Anything, really.

"Dr. Blake," John greeted the man, nodding a bit as a courtesy.

"Senator Wright." His voice was calm, but as his face broke into a smile Logan could hear it change into something else. "And this must be John—"

"Logan."

"Yes, of course. Excuse me." As the therapist stood up, Logan could see him grab a cane he hasn't seen before, that until now was resting on the small table. At a closer glance, he could see the man's leg wrapped in a bandage of some sort. "It's nice to meet you, Logan. I'm Arin Blake, you can call me Arin, or Dr. Arin, or Dr. Blake if you so fancy, I honestly wouldn't mind."

"Yeah…"

"Don't fuck this one up," Johnny threatened Logan as he turned to leave. "Your psychiatrist recommended him to us. Don't make her regret it—"

"Actually, Senator, I'd rather you joined us today."

The man was already on his phone by then, but at least he didn't leave, which meant he listened probably. Still surprised at the suggestion though, which showed on his face. Logan just scowled as he went to sit on the truly offensive couch - as instructed by the doctor - and grabbed a cat plushie to hold.

A brown cat plushie, not too fluffy, with embroidered black eyes and a stupid expression.

Kinda reminds him of Julian. In a way. He's not sure which. 

"In order to understand what we're working on here, I'd like to also hear your side of the story," Blake continued as he sat down in a chair in front of them. Johnny took the other side of the couch. "Can I offer you coffee, tea? Water?"

"Coffee is fine," Logan shrugged.

"To me as well."

"Just remind me for a moment, which medication are you prescribed?"

Logan may have rolled his eyes at that.

"Prozac, and I'm starting to take adderall soon."

"I see…" he hummed to himself as he got up and left the office, leaving Logan and Johnny in uncomfortable silence.

Dr. Blake's cup of tea was in a big blue mug, decorated with a print of tiny cartoon citrus slices. A clear plastic teaspoon stuck a bit over the top, and Logan inspected the little tag on the tea bag. Hibiscus apple cinnamon. Sounds fancy enough.

He just about took his phone out and started playing something when Blake came back, hopping on one leg almost, and put two disposable cups in front of them. Johnny's was a cup of coffee. His, though…

"I asked for coffee."

"And isn't this it?"

He took a sip. "It's… it's fine." It wasn't. There was too much milk, he could tell just by looking it. This was just a confirmation. "Thanks."

"So how about you both tell me why you're here?" The doctor sat back down in his chair, waiting for an answer.

"I don't know if you've heard in the news, but there was a fire at Logan's school—"

"Don't act like that's the reason we're here." Logan waited for his father to get red in the face. He always did. So he just leaned back and counted the seconds. "You brought me here because you think that everything wrong in your life is the result of me simply existing, and your only excuse to actually do it is that the people you dumped me on when you couldn't bother with keeping me around anymore can't look after me now."

"How do you think people would have reacted to my campaign if they knew—"

"Oh, come on, not everything is about your FUCKING JOB!"

"Okay, okay, Logan put that cup down." He did as he was told. After all, he can't fuck this one up, can he? "Now, without exploding on each other, please tell me what's going on."

"Logan's school burned down back in March—"

"February."

"—and he's only been getting worse since. He's always had anger issues, but since then he won't stop acting out. Usually over quite… petty things too."

Blake pushed his glasses further up, if that was even possible. "Petty things like what?"

"Like…" Johnny faltered, fumbling for words. So Logan spoke for him.

"Like that time last week when I asked if I can go visit my friend in California and you said I can't because what if his mom says no."

"Ms. Larson is a very busy woman, Logan. You can't just expect her to let you stay over because you wanted to on a whim."

"Well, I'm not five anymore, I don't think it really matters so much whether or not she can—"

"Let's stop it right there, again, Logan." Dr. Blake's stare made Logan curl up into himself. "Repeat that, now calmly."

Logan swallowed rather hard before talking again.

————

"Tell me a little about your friends," Dr. Blake asked at another meeting, about five weeks later. Logan sat on the chair closest to the desk, hugging the cat plushie again, and focused on drawing some flowers.

Lily of the valley. It was the only flower he could draw well. And isn't that just sad.

"There's Derek," he started, drawing the stems. "He… well, if he put half as much energy into caring for himself as he does for caring for me, I think the world would be a much better place. I think he's trying to compensate for this with girlfriends. It's kind of worrying, to be honest."

"But he cares for you?"

"Yeah. Sometimes a bit too much. It's… it's funny, actually, because… he really needs to work on himself. He can't fix me no matter how much he tries, because he's not some miracle worker and my mental health isn't fixable—"

"But it is treatable. And that's what we're here for."

"Yeah. I just… I find it funny, because he spends so much time trying to fix me that he's completely ignoring himself, and then he goes off and thinks having a girlfriend is a good replacement for self care. But I can't just tell him that… he'll get upset and then say it's not important and I'm just obsessing over it because reasons, and then when I get upset over not understanding he says it's my anger issues and I should be medicated."

"And why do you think he's doing this?"

This was the type of question that Logan quickly learned Blake loved asking. 'Why do you think', 'why do you feel', as if he wasn't the expert here. It was weird, having someone interested in his opinion without calling it anger issues and shutting him up, or telling him it's stupid and all that. He wasn't sure he could get used to it, but he certainly felt like he was, and it scared him.

"I think… I think he's just worried… he has anxiety, and I think he's reflecting it onto others because he doesn't know how to deal with it himself…? I know his parents don't know how to. So neither does he."

"And your other friend?"

Logan put down his pencil and picked a yellow one, throwing Blake a look.

"Julian is… he's cool. I miss him, I haven't seen him in months and he can't come over for vacation because his mother won't let him."

"Is he just cool?"

"I mean… he's one of my best friends, so… he's cool. He's very snarky sometimes… well, most of the time… and we talked about it a while ago, about why he's like this, and it was before revising my diagnosis, and he didn't really understand that I was insulting him back as a fight or flight response and he thought I was enjoying it… umm…"

Blake just pushed a mug closer to Logan. It was a clear mug, full of a bright red liquid. The hibiscus apple cinnamon tea. He made it for Logan today, as an attempt to get him to like something with no caffeine. Apparently coffee was bad for adderall. He assumed it'll be okay though.

"We're working on it now. And he needs physical therapy, so it's not like we really can do it in person, but we call each other every day and stuff…"

"You should visit him, then," the doctor suggested, making Logan snort. 

"I don't think he wants me around… his boyfriend is there to keep him company. It's fine. Well… not his boyfriend. I'm not sure what they are. It's complicated, I think. Jules says they're not dating but they sure have a—"

"Dearie, are you jealous?"

He just laughed again. "Of Julian? Nope. Not in a million years. Of Sebastian? I… I don't actually know. I mean, he and Julian aren't together even if sometimes it feels like it, and Jules did say I'm his best friend and stuff, but on the other hand he makes him happy, and…"

"And being jealous is okay, so long as you put it into a healthy outlet and not into anger. Talk to Julian about it. See what he thinks and says."

"But… we talked about it… kind of… he said he's in love with me, but it wasn't at a very ideal situation, and… we agreed to not talk about it. Just… let ourselves work through it, figure out what we really feel… what he really feels… and then we'll see where we go from there."

"That's good. But ask him for clarification, okay? Don't make your head spin like this."

Logan just nodded along, grabbing a blue pencil to shade in the flowers themselves.

"So I think I'm going to visit Julian soon," he continues. "I'll ask Derek to join me too… maybe I can buy him a gift…"

"That's a nice idea. What does he like?"

"He likes… cats, and candy… maybe I can get him new sunglasses. I think he'll like sunglasses. Or coffee…"

"Is coffee a gift?"

"Expensive coffee, maybe."

The doctor just laughed. "How about starting small… what about flowers?"

"...I can get him flowers…"

"That you can. I fear we're running out of time, though." Logan looked up from his drawing, a bit disappointed. "We can keep talking about this next week too, okay?"

"Okay… sorry for wasting time like this."

"You've wasted no time, dearie. It's all good. Just remind your father to write me a check, yeah?"

————

Logan crashed on the blue suede couch and covered himself all the way up over his head the second he made it to Dr. Blake's office that day. Sure, he was still wearing his huge coat — New York was especially snowy this winter, like, much more than usual — but he didn't really want to show his face to the world, and the receptionist who asked him to wait earlier was on the receiving end of his panic attack. It wasn't fair to the others, and it just… it wasn't…

"Do you want me to make you tea, dearie?" Blake asked him, rubbing his back. He sounded worried.

Logan just nodded and whimpered.

"Okay… try to breathe while I'm gone, okay? In for four, hold for four, out for four. Think you can do that?"

He nodded again.

"I'll be right back."

As Logan waited for Blake to come back, he started crying again. Winter vacation wasn't treating him too well, between fighting with Julian back at school right before coming home and getting yelled at by his father for flirting with the son of an associate (well, the guy was pretty cute, and certainly down to fuck) and probably the cherry on top, he was late. It wasn't as bad as the others, but he was late to this appointment, and he had so much to talk about, and…

"Logan, can you hear me?" Blake asked after what felt like forever, holding his hand. Logan whimpered again in response. "Come on, let's breathe together. I'll count."

He didn't even feel how long it took before he was sitting up, a second, weighted blanket on his shoulder, drinking his tea. Dr. Blake was still there, helping wipe his cheeks with a tissue as Logan tried to calm down.

"...Julian and I had a fight."

"Okay… what was it about?"

"I… I tried talking to him again, about… about us, and our relationship, and where does our friendship go, and he screamed at me that he's tired of talking about it and that I need to stop bringing it up, that he's with Sebastian and that's it, and then I yelled back and I… I may have slapped him, but…"

"That's bad, dearie. You know it's bad."

"I know! And I hate myself, I hate myself so much for doing this! He doesn't deserve a friend like me, I'm… I'm possessive and an asshole, and he just…"

"Okay, here's where you're wrong," the doctor told him, taking one of his hands. "You're wonderful, Logan. You're a great friend, and Julian didn't tell you he hates you. He didn't say you're terrible."

"But he implied it."

"He did not. It was an intrusive thought. What did Julian say, exactly?"

"...he… he said it's, he said that he's tired of talking about it, and that… that he already has a boyfriend, so I can't... " He hiccuped.

"Exactly… nothing about you as a friend. Open your phone and call him for me, okay? I want you to talk to him, and I want to see you do it."

Logan just nodded, a bit hesitant. He fumbled with his phone, trying to avoid looking at Julian's number, but ultimately he just… did.

Julian answered at the third ring.

"Hey, Lo."

"Hey…" he sniffled a bit. "I just… I need clarification on… on something." He looked at Blake for approval, wiping his eyes with a finger. Blake just nodded.

"Sure, what's up…?"

"Just… when we… had the fight. And you screamed at me and I screamed back, and…" Logan took a second. "Jules, do you hate me?"

"...are you high right now? Seriously. Are you?"

"No… I'm in… never mind."

"Okay... Lolo, I can't hate you. You're my best friend, you know how much I love you, but sometimes I can get mad or frustrated. Just like you do." He could hear the disappointment in Julian's voice almost. "I'm with Sebastian now. I'm happy with him. I love you, I really do, but you constantly asking me if I'm sure I'm happy and if we can give it a chance is getting tiring. I'm sorry, but it's getting really difficult."

"I… I'm sorry… Jules, I—"

"I accept your apology. I'm not mad at you, you don't have to get so anxious about this. You're starting to act like Derek."

"I'm still sorry…" he could finally take a breath, looking at his therapist for approval again. "That's… that's all I… I'm just in therapy, and…"

"Okay… go back to therapy. Don't waste time talking to me. I love you."

"Yeah… me too."

Logan hung up after that and turned to sip his tea, which has now cooled down.

And then the doctor spoke. "I'm proud of you. You don't need to apologize so much, you're doing just fine, but you did great. I'm so proud."

"Thanks." Logan forced a smile.

Maybe… maybe things would be okay, at the end of it all. He sure hoped so.

————

"I'm going to ask Julian out," Logan announced one day, two years into seeing Blake, just waltzing into the office. He may have caught his doctor by surprise, but as he sat down and grabbed his cat plushie, Blake straightened back up and cleared his throat.

"Doesn't he have a boyfriend, though?"

"Not anymore! And he said he doesn't want a rebound but then we talked about it and—"

"Okay, slow down. Let's start from the top. Julian broke up with his boyfriend?"

Logan nodded, then started rambling — "apparently they grew apart, at least it's what he told me, but I'm kinda pretty sure Sebastian cheated on him with Blaine? Blaine is my ex, he's kinda… meh. But yeah. So they broke up, like, three weeks ago, and Jules said he doesn't want a rebound so fast after the relationship, but I can build up to it! I can… I can start talking to him about it, right?" — all while Dr. Blake listened, nodding along to what he was saying.

"...okay… we can build up to that, then. I can help you do it if you're nervous about it."

"I'm really nervous about this…"

"Okay, okay, I can help. But first, how was your week? I made you tea."

"I saw that, thank you, but…" his stomach fell. "My week was so boring… college is boring. I have an exam in two weeks that I'm not sure I'm ready for, Alex had a mental breakdown the other day that I had to help with because nobody else was around, my dad visited…"

"And how is your dad?" Logan rolled his eyes at this question. "No, no no no. You answer me. How is your dad?"

"He still thinks I'm gay for the rebellion part of it. I mean, he'll get over it, I have faith in Michelle to make him change his mind, but… he and Michelle visited, and it was really nice. I missed both of them so much. But the second he saw my friends again he started talking shit, because Drew's voice dropped a lot since the last time they met and he started making transphobic remarks and it was… it was bad. It was so bad."

"Did you help Drew out?"

"Yeah… and then my dad got mad at me and we went into a screaming match. But it's okay, Michelle… did her best to get us to talk. I think he understands it now… not the gay thing, but… the transgender thing."

"That's good…"

Logan opened his phone right before the end of the session, as Blake was reminding him to remind his father to pay and that next week they'll talk in video chat, same day same hour. He nodded along, looking through to his messages to Julian — there —  and getting up and out.

Lolo: I know you said you don't want to get back at it this early, but when you're ready, wanna go on a proper date…?

Lolo: also, can we talk about something? I have an exam soon and I'm anxious as shit

He kept staring at it as he went downstairs and to his car, watching the text on the screen dance with a pain in his chest.

J is typing...

[miohmy]

softie - kabakura x koyanagi

fandom: wotaku: love is hard for otaku

characters: kabakuura x koyanagi

summary: Koyanagi’s wishes she was softer (or Koyanagi has a little too much to drink)

Koyanagi was not a romantic by nature. Kabakura was her boyfriend and she was his girlfriend, but the pair both failed to put on the conventional airs of a relationship. Their constant bickering, mutual aversion to PDA and reluctance towards sweet talk made their relationship more akin to rivals than lovers. 

But that’s what they were. Lovers.

The word felt strange, especially when she thought about it for too long. It would get caught in her throat like a lump she couldn’t swallow, or sink to the pit of her stomach like a rock. “Lovers” felt reserved for people like Hirotaka and Narumi. People who were soft towards each other. 

Kabakura wasn’t soft, not really. And Koyanagi definitely wasn’t either. They were both intimidating, competitive, confident individuals. In the work place those were positive attributes. But when it came to matters of the heart, conflict was abound. People like Koyanagi and Kabakura did not fold easily into compromise. Hence the constant bickering.

Admittedly, she didn’t reflect on their relationship often. She was happy, so why question it? 

The only times she truly became existential were after a couple drinks. Normally she would rationalize their arguments and competitions as the natural result of their stubborn dispositions. No one was really at fault, she would tell herself, they simply couldn’t help it. 

But deep down, she was worried. And if there was one thing alcohol was good at, it was unearthing buried concerns. 

Sometimes she felt she was too harsh. Whenever she’d see other couples out on the street, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, smiling like a pair of idiots, her teeth would clench and heart ache. Kabakura would never hold her so closely in public. And even if he tried, she would probably find it unnerving and out of character.

The foundations of their relationship had set up its current dynamic. Kabakura had first come into her life as an obstacle. Though they (reluctantly) warmed to each other over time, that innate high school rivalry always remained, underlying their every interaction. Any situation, no matter how small or benign, was made into a challenge. A chance to prove their respective superiority.

Normally she found such a dynamic to be tolerable. It could be playful, even. But on the days were she got just a little too tipsy, she’d find herself consumed with doubt.

Sometimes she didn’t care about being right. Sometimes she just wanted to be held.

---

For the past three hours Kabakura had been lying on his bed alone, quietly reading a manga, waiting for Koyanagi to come over. She had gone with Narumi and a few of their co-workers to get drinks after work and ended up staying out longer than anticipated. Kabakura didn’t mind. He knew the day had been tough for her (even if she refused to admit it). She could use a little time to unwind.

Kabakura on the other hand wasn’t feeling drinks. He was tired and, more importantly, he had just gotten to a really good arc in his manga. So he declined the offer to join them. Koyanagi similarly did not mind. She, of all people, could understand his eagerness to come straight home and pick up right where he left off.

They parted ways after work with the promise that Koyanagi wouldn’t stay out too late so long as Kabakura waited up for her.

It was around 10 PM when finally she stumbled in. Kabakura knew she was more than a little tipsy from the way she had fumbled with duplicate key. She also didn’t greet him like normal, instead choosing to putter around the kitchen for 20 minutes, mumbling incoherently to herself and doing God-knows-what, before slowly inching her way over to his ajar bedroom door. There she hovered, as if waiting to be invited in.

“What are you doing?” Kabakura asked, putting the manga down and giving her his full attention. It was then that he noticed her hair was down. 

“I’m staring at you,” Koyanagi responded softly. Indeed, her eyes were locked on him. 

“Yeah, I can see that,” he said, careful to match her tone. He had to be mindful of his voice whenever Koyanagi was drunk, for she became skittish and sensitive, like a cat. Depending on how he came across, she might take something personally and say something she’d later regret.

“How was tonight?” He asked, sitting up and patting the empty space beside him. Koyanagi blushed a deep red - further evidence that she was no where near sober. Her eyes flickered to the floor as she made her way over to his bed. The moment she sat down, Kabakura‘s palm was against her forehead.

“Feeling alright?” He asked. 

She shook her head. 

“Too much to drink?”

She nodded.

He smirked, brows furrowed, and sighed, as if to say, what am I going to do with you?

“I guess it’s fine, as long as you don’t throw up in my bed.” 

Koyanagi’s expression faltered and, for a moment, she appeared sad.

At this, Kabakura’s grin fell as well. He pulled his hand away from her forehead, tucking a stray strand of dark hair behind her ear, before gently cupping the right side of her face. Something else was bothering her, he just didn’t know what. There could have been any number of things that set her off during the night. He tried looking into her eyes for the answer but she kept averting her gaze. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or do I have to guess?” He finally asked.

Silence.

“Okay, fine then. We don't have to talk about it - “

Koyanagi interrupted him. “Do you wish you were dating someone else?”

It took a second for her words to register with Kabakura. His hand dropped from her face in quiet shock. He allowed himself a beat of consideration, before saying,

“What the hell gave you that idea?”

Koyanagai was slow to speak, but the tears welling in her eyes served as a sufficient answer. Kabakura had a sneaking suspicion that, whatever this was about, it had nothing to do with him. While it was true she was especially critical and discerning with her boyfriend, there was exactly one person she held up to a higher standard: herself.

“What’s this really about?” He asked, trying to keep a level head. Calming her down and dispelling the irrational drunken fears had never been easy with Koyanagi. Saying one wrong thing could mean sleeping alone. Or getting slapped. Or both.

“I’m not very nice...and...” her voice broke and tears began to spill over, “...and we’re always fighting. Wouldn’t you want to be with someone cuter....and softer? Like Narumi?”

Instinctively, he laughed, which was definitely not the right response this situation, but he couldn’t help himself. The mere idea was absolutely ridiculous to him.

“You’re right, we do fight a lot, and you are a lot to deal with...especially when you drink.”

“This isn’t funny! I’m being serious,” she snapped, but he stopped her.

“What then? Do you want to break up?” He asked, becoming suddenly serious. His gold eyes grew hot with intensity, seeming to burn holes in her. Koyanagi’s gaze, in contrast, was distant, dulled by the alcohol.

“No!” she slurred, and then, once calm and collected, repeated firmly, “No.” Instinctively, her hands grasped at the fabric of his shirt, desperate and scared, as if he might actually try to leave.

The warmth returned to his expression. “Good. Because I don’t want to either.” 

“But I am worried,” she confessed. Her fingers unfurled and she pulled back inwards. “...terrified, actually.” 

“Terrified of what?”

“A lot of things.”

“Like?”

“Like how much I love you. And how much it would hurt if you left me...” She paused, letting the words echo in their minds. Kabakura felt himself suppress a grin, not wanting to reveal how stupidly happy her intoxicated confession had made him. 

“Why would I leave you? I love you, idiot. There’s nothing to be scared off.”

“But - “

“But what?”

“I am scared,” Koyanagi tried to keep her thoughts inside, but the alcohol eventually forced it out, “...because I didn’t plan to love anyone this much! Especially not stupid Bakakura...” She trailed off. 

Kabakura’s eye twitched, lips quirking upwards. Really now, he thought, where did all this come from? With another exasperated sigh, Kabakura took his shirt sleeve and wiped away the remaining tears.

“There, there, Hanako. I’m not going to leave you...even if you are an ugly crier.”

He expected to be slapped. That would have been her usual reaction. But the blow never came. Rather, she did something quite unexpected. Grabbing Kabakura by collar, Koyanagi pulled him into a clumsy yet passionate kiss. He was caught off guard briefly, before slipping comfortably into the familiar feel of her lips. She still tasted strongly of alcohol, but he didn’t mind.

The two had been dating since high school, but even after all this time, they still found themselves breathless after a kiss. Koyanagi came up for air, gasping softly. Her face was bright red. Whether it was from the tears, booze, or embarrassment, Kabakura wasn’t sure. He didn’t think too hard on it either, instead focusing on her eyes. They gazed up at him with the sweetest expression.

It was true - drunk, emotional Koyanagi was an absolute pain and consoling her was tedious. But there were certain perks that came with the job. On any given day, the woman he loved was hard to please, prickly, and easily provoked, so Kabakura learned to cherish the rare moments of intoxicating vulnerability she allowed herself. Though fleeting, these moments were potent. He had learned long ago that, below the teasing and sarcasm and insults, Koyanagi was a complete and utter softie. 

“I love you so much,” she said, still breathless, as if the weight of feelings were crushing her. In some ways, they were. 

“I know,” he whispered before pressing his lips back to hers.