#but all ive felt for the past year now that its november is me losing the self that i so painstakingly created and loved before i came here

[kittykatinabag]

Is it the lack of ssris talking or is this place so dampening that I can't even get myself to do day trips to other cities in Ireland?

[eldritchsurveys]

663.

The Collector : What is in your Nine Inch Nails collection? What are you favourite items to own? >> I don’t have an NIN collection. I just took this survey because it seemed to have okay questions when I skimmed it. (Only these first four are questions about the band, lol.)

Deep : Favourite Nine Inch Nails Music Video? >> Closer, I guess. It’s the only one I remember aside from Only, which wasn’t all that interesting (song’s catchy, though).

The Frail : Favourite Nine Inch Nails Album? >> The Downward Spiral, I suppose. Never really thought about it. Year Zero was good too.

All The Love In The World : Favourite Nine Inch Nails Song? >> I don’t have one. There are a fair few that I like, of course, but I’ve never looked at one and thought “this one is my absolute favourite of all the NIN songs I know”.

Happiness In Slavery : Do you enjoy your job or school life? >> I don’t have either of those and I’m quite content that way.

Burning Bright (Field on Fire) - Do You Feel That During The Years As You Have Grown Up, You Feel Reborn? >> Death and rebirth is kind of just a theme with me, in general.

The Fragile : Do You Think You Can Fix A Broken  Person? >> I think a person that feels broken can eventually come to feel less so. I don’t think that it’s anyone else’s responsibility to guide them there. I do think that other people can be a vital source of support and encouragement during that process, if they choose to be.

Ringfinger - What Are Your Feelings On Marriage/Relationships? >> I think marriage and romantic relationships are, you know, great. I don’t necessarily want to partake in romance, myself, but I see their value for others. (And, obviously, I see the legal/social value for marriage, seeing as that’s mostly why I agreed to it in the first place.)

Terrible Lie - What Is The Biggest Lie You Were Ever Told? >> I have no idea. One time my father didn’t tell me our puppy had run away or gotten loose or whatever until I kept asking where he was. I thought that was dumb.

Help Me I Am In Hell - What Is Your Worst Nightmare? >> I have no idea.

Gave Up - What Is Your Go-To Thing To Calm You Down When You Are Pissed Off? >> Venting to Can Calah. It’s about the safest thing I can do, because I tend to behave irrationally and potentially make things worse when I’m upset.

A Warm Place - Your Favourite Place To Be? >> In my bed, tbh.

While I’m Still Here - How Would You Like To Be Remembered? >> I’ve never given it much thought. I figure it’s beyond my control anyway.

Copy of A - Do You Believe We Are In A Simulation? >> No, but I’m always willing to entertain the idea for thought experiments.

The Becoming - Can You Open Up To Other People Easily? >> Not. At. All.

Underneath It All - Are You Over Your Worst Experience? >> Of course not. Repetitive trauma has left indelible marks on my body and mind. The more I try to pretend otherwise, the worse things get, so I might as well acknowledge it.

Love Is Not Enough - Do You Believe In “Second Chances”? >> Sure. They just don’t have to come from me.

Sunspots - Are You Afraid of Growing Older? >> Nah. I am afraid of becoming infirm, or losing senses, that sort of thing. But not just of growing older in general.

Sin - What Is Your Ultimate Pleasure? >> I have no idea.

Something I Can Never Have - If You Could Say Anything To The One Who Got Away, What Would It Be? >> I don’t have anyone like that.

Dear World, : How Do You Sleep? >> Fitfully, a lot of the time. I was sleeping consistently well for a while but in the last few months it’s been a roller coaster.

I’m Looking Forward To Joining You, Finally : Have you ever lost someone who meant everything to you? >> Sure. Eventually, I figured out that no one can actually mean everything to me, and cut that maudlin shit out.

La Mer : Do you love the ocean or do you have a fear of it? >> I love it and I fear it.

March of the Pigs : Do you eat meat? >> Yeah.

Closer : Do you choose to follow a religion? >> I’m considering it, but it’s a constant source of debate in my head right now. Mostly because I have this idea of religion as a restrictive thing, something that would take away from my personal sense of freedom rather than complementing my search for meaning or whatever. It’s something I feel like I need to discuss with someone other than, you know, my own self, to get some perspective aside from my own, but I have no idea with whom.

Starfuckers Inc. - Celebrities You Think Are Attractive? >> Meh.

Shit Mirror - Are you afraid of where the world is currently heading? >> No. I understand why people are, of course. I just... personally can’t afford to expend any energy on fearing for the future. I have enough on my plate with the present.

I’m Afraid of Americans - Do you follow politics or do you choose to stay out of that stuff? >> I choose to keep my political consumption to a minimum. For one, it legitimately doesn’t interest me most of the time. But also, like... it’s all a shitshow. I don’t think my life is enriched by knowing every little thing going on in Washington, or obsessively watching Democratic debates to figure out who is “best”. I don’t fucking know. I can’t be bothered. I’m legitimately just going to vote for whoever ends up on the blue side of the ballot in November, and hope for the best.

In This Twilight - If the end was nigh, how would you choose to go out? >> I mean, I doubt I’d be able to choose.

Year Zero : Do you have plans for the apocalypse? >> No. I don’t believe in the apocalypse and I tend not to plan for things I don’t actually expect to happen.

The Downward Spiral : Do You Feel Like You Have you reached your lowest point and have you recovered since? >> I don’t know if I’ve reached my lowest point. I’ve reached very, very low points. I think that’s enough. I’d rather not try to see if I can get lower.

Hurt : If you could, would you re-start your life again? >> Please, god, no.

The Wretched : What Do You Hate In Life? >> I hate the lasting effect of trauma.

The Lovers : Do You Have Any Vices? >> Sure. Drinking, mostly.

Maybe Just Once : Do You Feel Like a Lucky Person When It Comes to Love? >> I don’t really know what that means. I’d dare say that I’m pretty unlucky in love in general, because I... have not ever had much of it.

Gunshots by Computer : What Are Your Thoughts On Modern Technology? >> I mean, I love it? It has its downsides like anything else, but I love it all the same.

That’s What I Get : Did You Ever Have an Emo Phase? >> Nah. I pretty much stuck with goth through everything.

Not So Pretty Now: Who Is Your Most Disliked “Celebrity”? >> ---

Every Day Is Exactly The Same : Do You Feel Like You Are Stuck In The Same Routine In Life? >> Well, right now, I kind of do keep to the same routine all the time. I don’t think that I’m necessarily stuck, I just... live like this. It’s fine, for the most part. I’ve had a lot of excitement in the past, it’s not necessarily how I want to live my life all the time.

Get Down, Make Love : Do You Have a Cover Song That Tops The Original? >> Yeah, there are quite a few covers that I prefer to the original. Dream Theater’s cover of Rainbow’s Stargazer is an example.

Screaming Slave : Do You Prefer Heavier Music or Softer Music? >> I like both.

Ahead of Ourselves : Do You Think Toxic People Can Change? >> I think anyone can change. Whether they will or not is the question, not whether they can.

Leaving Hope : Is There A Song That You Listen To That Just Emotionally Destroys You? >> Sure, I guess.

Somewhat Damaged : Have you ever been in a full on physical fight? >> Yeah.

Piggy : Have you ever been betrayed in some way by a person you cared about? >> Eh, maybe. That’s not really the verb I’d use, though.

Lights In The Sky : Thoughts On The Possiblity of an Afterlife? >> The possibility is always interesting to consider.

Big Man With A Gun - Are You For Capital Punishment? >> I really have no opinion.

Eraser : What Would Your Ideal Final Words Be? >> ---

Ghosts I-IV : Do You Have Any Supernatural Beliefs? >> Some would say. Those aren’t the words I would use, though.

You Know What You Are? - Thoughts On Fake People? >> I don’t know any fake people.

Home : Where On Earth Right Now Would You Like To Be? >> I’m fine right here. We just washed bed linens and it’s always nice to burrow into a clean bed.

I’m Not From This World : What song just gives you the creeps? >> I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way about a song.

And The Sky Began To Scream : Thoughts on How To Destroy Angels? >> I like a couple of songs. I haven’t really heard anything aside from that one EP, because I kind of keep forgetting to check out their other works.

Tapeworm : Do you have an embarassing illness/accident story you are willing to share? >> I don’t have any stories like that.

Fist fuck : Do you have any kinks/turn ons/turn offs? >> Yes.

Everything : Do you feel free? >> I guess. I never really thought about it, but generally, yes, I am free.

The New Flesh : Favourite horror film? >> I don’t know. I am very fond of the Hellraiser franchise in general, but not necessarily because of the quality of the films, if that makes sense... Oh, there’s also Event Horizon, that’s a horror movie and an overall favourite of mine.

[dethl]

“why does this year feel SO FUCKING LONG”

realizes first semester of freshman year was 2017

“what”

realizes i graduated last year

“no slow down”

realizes that despite feeling like one long year, i experienced two full years without being fully aware of it

“h-”

really though just the past year has been such a fucking whirlwind of change for me. i finally realized the main reason behind my life feeling like it was in shambles growing up was due almost entirely to a toxic and emotionally abusive family in a falling apart trailer in a town that no one has ever heard of. i start to disconnect from them and attempt to gain independence and i notice i actually feel alive. 

2016-2017 was so awful for me mentally, that i physically was losing the ability to feel - pain, pressure, texture. i was shut down almost entirely and really felt like a shell of a person, i had no will to live and had to actually search for reasons to keep myself alive. eating was hard, talking was hard, forming a cohesive thought was hard without my mind hammering how useless i was

2018 was hard for the first half of it, first breakup with an emotionally abusive ex that formed our relationship almost entirely around me being dependent on him made finding my direction in life again difficult. very difficult. i was definitely in a trance-like state for a couple months, until i started moving myself back in to friend groups i walled myself off from because my ex made me feel like i couldnt talk to anyone else. and i think that was one of the best things i could have done for myself in hindsight

i noticed i was able to talk more, in text and in person, without struggling to find the words. i wasnt trailing off or finding words choked back in my throat while i struggled to initiate conversation as much, or now, at all.

i was able to look in the mirror without being repulsed at my appearance, something that i was unable to do for most of my life without feeling literally sick to my stomach. i started expressing myself more to how i see fit

 i dyed my hair for the first time in february and while it looked fucking awful and i honestly hated it, it was the first step i needed towards finding who i really was. i forced myself to present as masculine throughout high school because i felt i was too ugly to be seen as a chick (this isnt a knock against transgender people, of course. i just simply realized i wasnt any happier personally and i was just confusing a lifetime of really complex issues. but this is a long topic so ill cut it here. in short im probably likely nb, if anything, instead of a trans male or cis female). i allowed myself to experiment more with things traditionally seen as feminine, like makeup and jewelry and the types of clothes i wore. and i felt more confident doing so. prior to this i just didnt feel like i deserved these things

in the summer i started getting closer to my eldest sister, and i got my first break from my parents for the first time since fourth grade - a decade ago. i spent two weeks away from home, mostly by myself most of the day. and i realized i finally got a chance to feel relaxed, even happy. but i couldnt figure out why necessarily

fall came. i decided to try a crack at finally taking all graphic design/art classes, and i realized i was absolutely miserable. i hated every fucking assignment except for one class. but the difference between this and the years before? i was feeling. i got a bit uhh.. extremely shoddy with my performance (whoops failing classes), and in doing this i realized that this wasnt the path i was meant to be on. art was becoming a chore for me starting about 2015, and up until this point. i wasnt growing an audience despite forcing myself to draw every day, and this was killing me because i thought i was doomed to failure, i never considered any other options except doing art

 but in november, i set up a tour for a college i was between going to initially, alongside the one i ended up going to. and i was ecstatic about what the future could hold for me for literally the first time in my life - i wanted to go into cybersecurity. and with the chains lifted, doing art just for myself and my friends became fun. my audience didnt matter anymore, and my mindset began to shift from “please look at this i dont want to fail” to “hey check this thing out i made its fucking awesome”. i had confidence in my work. this confidence carried me to be able to do semiregular streaming on twitch, something i dreamt of doing for the past three or four years

somewhere around this point, i finally opened up about trauma thats been plaguing me since i was four years old, trauma so bad i literally had flashbacks to the point i couldnt sleep at night for the past ten years. the flashbacks stopped. i stopped hating myself for something i had no control over. i felt like myself for the first time

and i sit here now as the winter begins and the year comes to a close, and i feel more like myself than i ever have before in the 20 years ive been alive. obviously theres a lot more i could go into, this doesnt even include the rabbithole that is my sexuality. but good lord

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

[gloomykuma]

little bit of a life update since i hardly ever really post anything of my own anymore

i started going to therapy in october last year i think, or it was november, i forget which of the two. and its been helping somewhat i think. wasnt really officially diagnosed, but she did say there were signs of: anxiety, depression, and ptsd which surprised me. but thinking back to events during my life that part makes sense

still have super crazy low days, but i usually can bounce back after a day or two. they certainly arent as frequent as they used to be. they just hit super hard when it happens rip me

ive been struggling with sleeping and having stomach pains all the time, stemming from stress/anxiety. and i feel like they just kinda got worse over the course of last year, but things have been getting better with that lately actually! i did something i should have done a while ago to better myself. this past november/december actually. my mental and physical health is more important to me than keeping relationships with people who only made it worse, even if there were good times.

i am less stressed, im not physically sick as much anymore, i sleep a bit better now not having to worry about someone else. i shouldnt have to ruin myself trying to help another person. thats my fucking problem, i try to help others even if it means hurting myself in the long run and im so sick of it. ive cut ties with close family to protect myself, i have no problems cutting ties with friends if i need to.

i feel like the end of 2017 was just a time for losing friends, and im strangely ok with that. live and learn i suppose, i just wish i would have realized things sooner so things could have turned out slightly better. i know i am stubborn, and i know im not the best person, but i am working on it at least.

ive discussed how i felt and how things unfolded with my therapist and she agrees i did the right thing, i come first before anyone else. my mental health is more important than someone else’s. i need to put myself first if i wanna get better.

i sometimes think back to how i used to feel all the time from like 2012-2014 when i was in my huge depressive slump. i wish i could have gotten some sort of help during that time. its not too late though, its never too late. as long as youre actually trying, things will be fine. it took me a while to take the initiative steps, but i did it and im so proud of me

i have supportive people in my life, friends and family i adore even though im horrible at showing it. just thinking back to how i was when i first started therapy 5ish months ago, theres already slight improvement and thats pretty neat. i think now i just gotta work on making better friends and not being super shy/afraid to meet new people on my own

i think my only regret about this whole thing is not listening to a close friend’s advice about someone, but once again, live and learn i suppose

[doompapi]

A Letter to the Void [10/05/17]

Foreword.

This is a dump of feelings and thoughts I’ve been having. I’m not going to proof read this or try to make it like a real story or anything. It’s quite literally just a dump of everything swirling around in this black hole of a brain. I hope this maybe helps someone feel not alone if anyone stumbles upon it, maybe help them feel like they’re not the only ones that feel a certain way. This is just a raw account of what I’m thinking and I’ll try to keep it concise but it doesn’t have a focus and will probably be all of the place. Thank you for taking the time to read. I. The Girl.

I met a girl in November 2015. By the end of the month we were deeply attached and I know now that that was real love. You were my first real thing. I’d been involved with other girls but it never truly meant anything until you. I’d had all my “firsts” before but they were never as meaningful as they were with you. I truly did and still do love you. For a while before I met you I was in a nihilistic, carefree place where I was just doing things and I didn’t really give a shit about anything. Looking back I see how much you’ve shaped who I am now. You’ve shown me how to care about people and things in general. You’ve shown me how it feels to be truly loved. You’ve shown me life isn’t always dark and bad and sometimes there is major positives. Now that I feel as bad as I do I remember just how content I was when we were together. I remember how people would as how I was and my answer was never bad because no matter what was going on I never truly felt bad. I always had you and you were always hope and a light in the dark. I could be in a terrible place and we’d talk on the phone and in 20 minutes I’d be okay again. I can never thank you enough for that. I’ll always be grateful for that, and you in general. Every time we hung out in person I knew that’s exactly where I wanted to be. Every time we hugged or showed affection I knew that’s exactly where I was supposed to be. That was my home. II. Speedbumps. Alas, things aren’t always perfect. I’m not perfect, I’ve never claimed to be. Life isn’t perfect, it never claimed to be. You, were perfect in your own way. You have flaws, sure, but we all do and I believe they make you as perfect as you are. We’re both stubborn and sometimes we both have bad thought processes. I think now that that was the root of the arguments we’d have. We were constantly talking and things and I think it’s impossible to get along with someone you’re always around all the time. Those arguments are nothing to me now, they were always trivial. This part of the letter is mostly in case someone stumbles across this and they are going through something similar. No relationship is objectively perfect. To me, our relationship was perfect and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, even with any negatives that came along. But it’s important to note that negatives exist and they can play a part in things. These problems are called speedbumps because they may be rough for a little while but they always get smooth again.

III. Sisyphus.

I always felt a connection to characters like Sisyphus and Prometheus. Sisyphus’s whole deal was that he was cursed to push a bolder up a mountain for all of eternity. That’s how I feel in my head sometimes, like it’s a constant uphill battle and I can’t ever get a break from the climb or the fight. Sometimes I run out of energy and I’m at the point of giving up and I feel like no one wants to help me and when I try to cry for help it’s just a burden. I guess most depressed people feel like a burden. On my worst days I feel like Prometheus. I feel like my mind is an eagle and I’m chained to the rocks and it just eats me alive until I’m on the brink of death and then I have to go through it all again. I’ve felt these parallels for many years. Sometimes I feel like a Frankenstein monster with all these issues sown together to make this abomination that even my creators are ashamed of. This is undoubtedly the most negative part of this letter. It has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I feel like a villain sometimes. I feel like I’m trying to be good, but no matter what I do I upset someone or I bring someone down. I just want good things for others and for myself. All I want is to help and be helped. I think I downplay my problems to a lot of people. I honestly hate talking about this stuff. I hate that depression is part of me. I hate that anxiety is part of me. I would trade anything to not have to deal with them. They are and will always be my greatest enemies. Sometimes I feel like life is unfair, but I guess that’s life isn’t it? Completely objective and unsympathetic. Natural to the highest degree. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. Right now I’m on the latter. IV. Thrall.

I’ve been self-harm free for about a year and a half. It used to be a daily thing, a habit I couldn’t shake. I needed it to remind me I could feel. I still see the scars every day and I think it’s naïve to say I’m proud of it. I’m proud it’s no longer something I need. I’m proud of what it signifies but those are the only scars on my body I’m embarrassed about. The only scars I wish I didn’t have because the story isn’t one I want to tell. About two years I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital because I was on the brink of suicide and I was doing very harmful things. I recall being on the way to the hospital and I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to face it. I remember lying about being better to get me out earlier that the doctor thought I should have been let out. He recommended at least two weeks and I was out in just under a week. These days I wish I’d have agreed to stay, but I was surrounded with people like me. Kind people who were nothing but nice to me and the people around them. People who were going through bad things themselves but were trying. I won’t forget the faces I saw there, because even though they were in pain they were still smiling and they were trying their best and they were fighting too. I hope they all are winning. It wasn’t all good though. I heard unrelenting screaming in the night and saw more wounds than I wish I had. If I learned anything from being there, it’s to just keep fighting and trying, even if you feel like you’re failing.

V. Recluse.

I had three real friends in High School. I’ve fell out of contact with two of them, and I hope one of those two is doing okay. I still talk to one of them on occasion, though it’s not as often as I wish I did. He seems to be doing well and I hope it stays that way. I have a friend in LA who is dear to me but we also don’t talk as much as I wish we did. Ever since I moved to AL I haven’t really had any real friends, besides the Girl. I’ve tried more times than I’d like to admit but generally speaking I feel like most people lose interest in me. There have been at least 3-4 in the past year that I’ve tried to be friends with and they just sort of stop talking to me one day. Maybe it’s something I’m doing, maybe it’s them but either way it sucks. The Girl was a friend who never gave up on our relationship. No matter how bad I got she’d always support me and be there to try to help keep me calm. I’ll never be able to thank her enough for that. I’ve been clean for about a year and a half and a major key in it turning from an everyday thing to an uncommon thing is her. For one, I simply didn’t want her to see me that way. Second, I knew it made her sad. I’m very grateful I had her to help me stop, because it gave me a reason to. She’ll argue and say it was just me because she’s kind and great and that’s somewhat true but I simply wouldn’t have been able to do it if it weren’t for her support and presence. Thank you. You will never truly know how grateful I am because I can’t put it into words. Just know that for everything you’ve done for me over time I’ll always have a special place in my heart and mind for you. Not to mention how great you are outside of that. VI. Daddy Issues. My dad was abused by his mother as a child. I think that plays a major part into who he is today. I’d be a liar if I said his issues didn’t play into mine. My psychiatrist said my depression is most likely genetic (it’s going to be a fight for the rest of my life because it’s in my genes). We’ve moved around a lot, lived in five places throughout my life. It has its positives but overall I think it negatively impacted me. I could get attached to people, sure but there was always an end in sight. I’d always lose friends. My dad and I don’t talk much and for a long time I was scared of him. As a kid he’d yell at me sometimes and poke my chest hard with his finger and I think that made me afraid of him. We still don’t talk much to this day and I think I’ve accepted it. He left for Germany for three years yesterday and I’m not sad about it. If anything I’m happy I get to use his truck while he’s gone. I think that speaks for our relationship. I’m also intimidated by other males and I don’t trust them very much and I think that has to do with my dad. When I was a child I used to play with fire and I wonder if that had something to do with trying to get his attention. I also remember being upset at him at times and hating him. The first time I cried over something good was when I was an early teenager and I read a letter he wrote apologizing that he couldn’t be there for my fifth birthday because he was in Afghanistan. I have a lot of appreciation for how hard he works to support us financially but humans, especially children, need more than that. A couple weeks after I left the hospital he got angry at me for something trivial and I put him on blast. I called him out for never being there for me and only talking to me when he’s drunk and treating me bad most of my life. I tore him apart and I made him cry and honestly it felt good. He told me he loved me afterward and I believe that he does, I just think he has too many issues from his life and I don’t think he’ll ever try to wort through them. I could go on for a long time about this topic, but I’m going to end it here. The Girl was the antithesis of this. The Girl was always kind and good and even when she had her bad moments it was never an attack on me. She supported me and talked to me when I was at my worst. She understood me, and tried to help. She knew how I was and it never made her think negatively about me. I remember caring about her more than I cared about anything, even my dog. I remember never knowing what I was doing but she stuck by me. Before her my relationships were only like 2-3 months at most but it was two years with her and I wouldn’t trade those two years for anything. Two of the best and most positive years of my life and I can’t thank her enough for them. VII. Little Blue Dog. In October of 2016 my dog that I had for thirteen years died. She was very important to me and I miss her greatly. The house was depressing and empty for a few months until November when we adopted a three month old Australian Shepard from a co-worker. He and I spend a lot of time together and we had an immediate connection. When I went to a psychiatrist she recommended I get a therapy dog but we couldn’t at the time, and in a lot of ways I consider him my therapy dog. If I get up to go to the bathroom he runs through to keep me company. He’s always by my side when I’m home and he’ll listen to me over anyone. I read that in the first six months of their life Australian Shepards choose “their” person. A person that they connect with over others besides being close to the others. I feel and hope that that is me. He’s my best friend and I can’t thank him enough for all he’s done for me. I’m in Scotland for three weeks and I miss him more than anything else from home. I hope he still loves me when I go back. He’s the closest thing I believe to be a true angel, along with the Girl.

Closure. I think I’m done with this letter for now. Maybe I’ll do another next time I feel like it. Thank you for taking the time to real this mess and I appreciate the interest. A special thank you to the Girl. I know you might see this so if you get this far: thank you for all you’ve done for me. Thank you for supporting me and helping me be a stronger person. Thank you for being there for me unconditionally. Thank you for still being my friend even though our relationship is over. Thank you for putting up with me when I’m struggling. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for being pure and kind. You are one in a million.

[furederiko]

I've sort of lost track of holidays and festives since the year began, but today's Good Friday!!! Meaning it's a good friday to post a Random News Digest as well... Ahahahaha!

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

The quest for young Albus Dumbledore has come to a close. Warner Bros has entrusted the iconic role to... none other than Jude Law. Which shouldn't come as a surprise, considering the Brit actor's long history with the studio, from the "Sherlock Holmes" series to the upcoming "King Arthur: Legend of the Sword". Personally, I still think Rafe Spall would make a better Albus, but perhaps the movie needs more of Law's... star power considering the first "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" wasn't exactly the big "Harry Potter" hit that WB expected. Beside, Law also suits the "younger man and quite a troubled man" criteria better than Spall.

The down side of this casting, is the general assumption that the sequels will put more focus on the bromancing frenemy between his Dumbledore and Johnny Depp's Gellert Grindelwald. It has been hinted that the two characters have shared a rather 'close' relationship in the past, perhaps even something that was somewhat romantically inclined. Okay, let me correct that. J.K. Rowling has said it herself that "Dumbledore fell in love with Grindelwald, and that added to his horror when Grindelwald showed himself to be what he was.", so it's more than just mere speculation. Thus, it IS going to be interesting to see how Law and Depp come to blow with one another, which is what many "Harry Potter" fans should be dying to see. Then why do I call it a 'down side'? Because at least for me, it's Eddie Redmayne's Newt Scamander...'s magical ZOO that was the prime highlight of the first movie. Those creatures, with the chemistry between Alison Sudol's Queenie and Dan Fogler's Jacob Kowalski coming hot in second place, are the part that I found to be delightful. These three characters, alongside Katherine Waterston's Tina, have all been confirmed to return, so one would easily wonder how these New Yorkers are going to fit in the story that takes place in Paris and Watford, England. Admittedly, Tina and even Newt himself, were pretty dull and boring for a lead. But it would feel like such a crime if they are put aside to the corner, as the spotlight is stolen by Law and Depp instead.

It is currently unclear whether the next movie will once again feature two separate storylines going in parallel with one another. But that's exactly what's currently generating the concern for some people. David Yates will be returning to helm the second movie, so let's just hope he'll find a way to make the sequel feel more... balanced and evenly focused. "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them 2", a tentative title for now because I'm not even sure if it will be accurate to the story anymore, is set to be released next year on November 16th, 2018. That's when we'll see whether this will turn out to be a magical Brokeback Mountain between Law and Depp, or another adventure of Newt & Co.

DC Films

Pray tell, why are we getting another poster for "The Justice League"? The popular notion is that WB is launching one as preparation for that last trailer debuting in theaters alongside "The Fate of the Furious". Yet when you look at the timing, somehow it just feels rather inappropriate. I mean, why not release it alongside those character posters and teasers last month? Can't remember? Those ones that oddly arrived on the same week to Spider-Man's posters and trailer. Sounds dejavu? Because Marvel Studios had just debuted the trailer and first poster for their upcoming Thor movie as well! You know, the one that will premiere just two weeks ahead of "The Justice League"!

Aaaah yes, THAT is the reason why calling this as coincidence is hokey at best. As if WB is trying to convince audience that... yes, despite the muted colors and the joyless forced humor, their grand ensemble movie is as colorful and fun. Now I can't help but wonder if this is a direct answer to that hillarious FANMADE video that's casually making fun of Ben Affleck's Bruce Wayne and Gal Gadot's Diana Prince... LOL. Anyway, my point is... hogging on another movie's spotlight is acceptable, since many studios have been doing this since the Hollywood's dinosaur age. But I do really wish WB would stop being so dickish, while at the same time, being utterly obvious about it. Stop positioning themselves as the angry envious rival, subtly but blatantly creating flame wars with Marvel, because it does them no good. Acting all offensive in a non-existent competition is the wrong thing to do, because it makes them look BAD instead!

"Wonder Woman" also made news because the movie is said to be tracking for a $83 million opening. Eventhough it is unfortunately lower than DC Films' previous two movies, it sure didn't stop fans from turning into bragging mode and stuff. After all, that's how the internet works, and sorry to say, precisely the way 'DC fans' tend to overreact with things both good and bad. Meanwhile, another outlandish rumor hit the internet, claiming that WB will release not one, not two, but FOUR Batman-related movies in the year 2019. Yeah, judging from the studio's track record on announcing DC projects, only to end up losing directors or getting back to first page rewrites... over and over again, that sounds too good to be true, right? Despite all that, just imagine the headlines and numerous thinkpieces immediately run by various entertainment, and fansites. Well, at least until WB's producer Jon Berg and DC Entertainment's President Geoff Johns themselves shot down this report in their own hillarious way. I don't know about you, but THAT is what I call FUN.

Last but not least, Dolph Lundgren has joined "Aquaman" to play merman(?) King Nereus of Xebel. Making him the third antagonist after Patrick Wilson's Orm, and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II's Black Manta. That's not counting the likelihood of Willem Dafoe's Dr. Vulko turning evil, of course. Director James Wan has confirmed this casting himself, and Lundgren will likely join production when it begins on May in Hawaii. Although having the former Punisher sounds good, once again, this casting felt a little toooo obvious to be a coincidence. After all, we just got a hot rumor surrounding Sylvester Stallone's important role in the upcoming Guardians movie. And when you start remembering that Lundgren used to play as Stallone's rival/opponent in "Rocky IV" before teaming up in "The Expendables" series? Aaaaaah, it's another act of spite, right there! Oh WB, when will you ever learn...

Transformers

Have you seen the latest trailer for "Transformers: The Last Knight"? I certainly haven't, because I'm totally not looking forward to see this movie anytime soon. But I heard it was great, and well... probably the best one this movie has released so far. Honestly, after the lackluster tragedy that was "Transformers: Age of Extinction", I never would've thought that we're going to get a 5th movie of this winding-down franchise. And this is just the beginning of another array of sequels, because director Michael Bay himself has explicitly stated to MTV that... "There are fourteen stories written. And there’s good stuff. So, I would like to do one of them, though.". 14? SERIOUSLY?!! Dang it, for a guy who thought "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" was meant to be the last, this statement felt like an offensive mockery. Anyways, this 5th movie is set to arrive on June 23rd. I'm personally more curious about whether it will rake as much money as the previous one. Somehow I suspect it won't, but general audience seems to love this franchise... so, we'll see.

SONY Marvel Universe

SONY Pictures has found its Miles Morales! What for? That animated "Spider-Man" movie that is set to be released on December 21st, 2018. Yes, the same date that recently has been occupied by "Aquaman". The young actor privileged to lend his voice for the animated Miles is none other than Shameik Moore. Fans might argue that Morales is half black, half latino in the comics, whereas Moore is not. But this is an animated movie, which only requires his voice, so I don't think it should be a problem. The actor himself shot to fame following his debut in Rick Famuyiwa's "Dope", later starred in the Netflix drama "The Get Down", and will next be seen in "The Pretenders". Speaking of "Dope", who would've guessed that it was such a good movie, eh? I mean, most of its main cast has gotten big comic book roles now. Tony Revolori is soon to be seen as Flash in MCU's Spider-Man. Kiersey Clemons is Iris West in DC's who-knows-when Flash movie, a feature that was almost directed by Famuyiwa. Zoe Kravitz was in "X-Men: First Class". And now Moore. Should we expect anyone else from that movie?

Aside from Moore, another cast who has joined the movie is Liev Schreiber. Schreiber portrayed Sabretooth in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine", and is currently well known as the lead actor of "Ray Donovan". According to the same report, Schreiber will be voicing the movie's antagonist/supervillain, though his character is being kept a secret for now. If I didn't know better, I have a feeling that Schreiber is going to voice Otto Octavius, or more popularly known as Dock Ock. Unless he's being assigned to voice Kraven the Hunter, which might also work when you put into account his previous ferocious comic book role. Then again, just like Moore, only his voice will be utilized, so he can practically play anyone. LOL. Hollywood's favorite duo Phil Lord and Chris Miller are writing and producing this movie, while Bob Persichetti and Peter Ramsey will co-direct the movie. Considering this is an animated movie, shouldn't they start working from now? I mean, animation is unlike live action movie, because it needs to be done at least 2 years in advance to achieve the highest quality. Let's just hope that this movie will be able to stand against the rising tide of "Aquaman" when it arrives next year. Otherwise, this might spell trouble for SONY's ambitious universe.

X-Men Universe

In a very surprising (but seriously pleasant) announcement, "Deadpool 2" has discovered its future-mutant Cable. And my oh my, it's Mad Titan Thanos himself, Josh Brolin!!! Yes, scoring his second Marvel role, Brolin's Cable will be featured in not one, nor two, but FOUR future X-Men movies. Popular speculation says that his next movie will be "X-Force", if not "New Mutants" as well. He's joining Ryan Reynolds who is returning to produce and star as lead character Wade Wilson, as well as Zazie Beets who will portray Domino. Interestingly, Brolin has played a comic book character before, as the titular character in the critically and financially failed DC movie "Jonah Hex". Which means, he and Reynolds are fated kindred spirits from the get go! That's nothing but true fact, no matter how Reynolds openly 'complains' about it... LOL.

No offense to David Harbour, Brad Pitt, or Michael Shannon, but Brolin sounds too perfect for this role. Not just in terms of looks, but also in the actor's ability to play the straight-faced man with a penchant to infuse his character with various kinds of intensity. "Old Boy", and "Sicario" are great examples of this. Created by Rob Liefeld and writer Louise Simonson, Cable is the complete opposite personality to the obnoxious, oddball, and foul-mouthed Deadpool. He's a tough, no-nonsense mutant whose gruff attitude and mysterious aura didn't waste time to attract a great number of fans. He has also been paired with Deadpool ever since. Suffice to say, it's a character that is right up on Brolin's alley, with "Men in Black 3" as its easiest example. With this sequel expected to arrive in 2018, production for the David Leitch feature is set to have a June start in Vancouver. Brolin is currently filming his Thanos role with Marvel Studios in Atlanta, and might even have completed his motion-capture part already. So rest assured, scheduling issue is not even a thing. Interestingly, both movies will be released next year, which means, 2018 would be a truly Marvel-ous year for Brolin!

Marvel Studios

Have you seen the mindblowing first teaser of "Thor: Ragnarok"? The long awaited teaser was simply rock and roll AWESOME, wasn't it! Not only director Taika Waititi delivered a Thor Odinson's movie that already felt distinctly different to his previous solo features, he also imbued it with his signature quirky fun but gorgeous colorful style. It felt like this least-favored franchise of the Marvel Cinematic Universe has finally embraced its funky Asgardian glory and cosmic side, eh? As if that's not enough to please us, it has already scored an amazing achievement by being the most-watched trailer that both Disney and Marvel Studios ever released! Is this a good sign? Most definitely. In fact, this was such a splendid teaser, I'm actually hoping that Marvel Studios won't be releasing anything else after this. This one's more than enough to grab audience's attention.

The official poster that came afterwards, though? Perhaps it didn't quite leave a similar impression, but arguably still emitted a strong promise of colors and style. Especially with all those Rainbow-Bridge-tone illuminating the titular character. Just look all those gorgeous colors, right? Chris Hemsworth is looking cool with that new haircut, and of course, don't forget the absence of Thor's beloved Mjolnir. Seriously, this movie is going to be strangely fun but epic! November 3rd, 2017 can't come soon enough.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves too soon. "Ragnarok" is still 7 months away, and there's "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2" and "Spider-Man: Homecoming" that we need to anticipate first! With all three releases of the year looking equally fun and colorful, it would be a mistake to skip any one of them, right? HUGE mistake. And we can expect the first screenings reactions from "Vol 2" pretty soon. Why? Director James Gunn, along with stars Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, and Dave Bautista have kicked off the sequel's worldwide promotional tour in Tokyo, Japan last week. Not surprising, because it is set to hit theatres in Australia, Southeast Asia, and other international countries theatres starting on April 25.

As for the North American region, if I'm not mistaken, some of the press members are going to be the first to see it, just a few days from now. I bet early social media reviews and responses will arrive pretty much the same day. That's also the same reason why it's going to get harder and harder to avoid spoilers spreading throughout the internet. Even interviews and press roundup have slowly reveal details about the movie, much earlier than we expected. For example, Kurt Russell has spoken to Total Film (via Flickering Myth) on whether we'll be seeing a "Tango and Cash" reunion in this movie between his Ego the Living Planet, and Sylvester Stallone's mysterious character. Nah... I won't spoil anything about it, just go ahead and read the article if you're up with a little spoiler.

For the time being, "Vol 2" is tracking for a $150 million domestic debut. This is considerably close to the opening of "Captain America: Civil War", and also a solid improvement to the $94,3 million debut of the first "Guardians of the Galaxy" back in 2014. It's hard to predict whether this opening estimation is on point or not, because even "Beauty and the Beast" have magnificently surpassed its initial tracking number (and has broken the $1 billion mark yesterday). There's always a chance that the same accomplishment will occur with "Vol 2", considering the franchise is now sitting on everyone's top 5 most favorite among the MCU. Not to mention, "Vol 2" is the first movie that will kick start the 2017 Summer Movie season in the US. I guess we'll have to wait and see, and hope the best for the sequel. Because if it's good, then I bet Gunn would not shy away from returning to create a "Vol 3".

As for "Homecoming", several rather spoilery details of the movie might have landed online as well. In this case, regarding the "Daily Bugle" existence in the MCU, several scene descriptions from an event held in Tokyo, the possible appearance of other Avengers beside Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark, as well as actress Angourie Rice's true role in the movie. Hailing down from a Tom Holland's fanbase account on Twitter, these reports felt... a little hard to fully believe, because it could very well be a subjective assumption on their part. So do take them with a huge grain of salt.

Finally, remember that candid photos of Elizabeth Olsen filming an action scene for "Avengers: Infinity War" in Edinburgh? There's a video version of it now, and one that looks rather... dire and serious. This scene once again hinting that Olsen's Scarlet Witch and likely Paul Bettany's Vision will come into blow with a CGed henchmen, presumably the Black Order members. If you're curious, then go ahead and check it on Youtube. Assuming it hasn't been taken down, of course. Inline with the casting announcement from FOX, it seems Josh Brolin would have concluded his part as Thanos in May so that he can join the production for "Deadpool 2" in Vancouver. Which is probably why the "Infinity War" production will then proceed with his Black Order members instead.

Netflix

This might sound surprising, but it's the last category for today! Yes, because I have no topics for the game section. LOL.

It wasn't long ago that we heard Marvel's "The Defenders" has wrapped its production, to pave way for the second season of Marvel's "Jessica Jones". Looks like Marvel's "The Punisher" has followed suit as well with its completion. A Twitter fanbase account for lead actor Jon Bernthal, reported that the cast has thrown away a wrap party for the production that began on October 2016. Judging from this, it's safe to assume that the series will in fact arrive later this year instead of next year. It's a little suspicious though, that it wrapped just a few weeks after "The Defenders" eventhough they started at relatively the same time. Considering the mini series only has 8 episodes, does this mean "The Punisher" might be a more compact/shorter series than those previous four? I sure hope so, because forcing these serialized shows into a 13 episodes with materials enough for maybe 10 at most, certainly didn't work charm. Said sentiment has even become one of the loudest talked-about criticism thrown at them. Here's hoping Netflix will realize this issue and solve it accordingly, because seriously, watching Marvel's "Iron Fist" alone has already worn me out.

Meanwhile, Netflix is reminding its audience that the 2nd season of "Sense8" will arrive in May 5th, by launching an official trailer. Which is highly necessary, because even I have forgotten that I've written about this fact before! YIKES!!! The inability of Netflix to set a fixed annual release date is admittedly troublesome, as it tends to wore out its devoted audience due to uncertainty of when to expect any continuations. "Sense8" and "Voltron Legendary Defender", as well as their uncertain delays are good examples of this particular issue.

IMHO, "Sense8" is a show that would have benefitted from having its second season arriving as soon as possible, preferably in mere months apart (just like the Network side, perhaps?). The first season was undoubtedly slow if not poorly paced, and the story only got interesting and intense in the last two-to-three episodes. It undeniably felt like an extended intro for the real story, thus forcing viewers to wait too long (remember, first season was launched in 2015!) to see what's next (one that hopefully explores the REAL intrigue behind them), simply doesn't do any good. Sure, there was a "Sense8: Christmas Special" on December 23rd last year, but I doubt many even knew it existed nor have watched it. I sure haven't, because even I only remember about it just now, FOUR months later. LOL. And to be honest, although I'm probably among the few who DID enjoy the first season, I've realized I'm not that anxious to see the second. Why? I have forgotten whatever was happening in it, so seeing this new trailer only succeeded in making me scratch my head in confusion. That is NOT good...

Thankfully, Netflix's bingewatch functionality helps to counter this problem. After all, unlike movies that come and go, we can view any of their original shows anytime we want. So those who haven't seen the first, can plan their start later by watching both seasons all at once. Trust me, I believe that would be more effective for this series. So right now, I'm patiently waiting for the critics' reviews first before actually checking the second season. While at the same time, re-watching the first season one by one, which might be a challenge because sadly this show doesn't have a strong rewatchability. My only hope is, I won't end up forgetting about this plan in just a few weeks after release. LOL.

[loudlydopehideout-blog]

A year

It's been a year since I've wrote anything on here. I think out of fear cause I know I'll look back on this for a very long time. I refuse to start a daily journal so here we are. Over the last year since my last entry a lot has happened. I continued to see one of the guys I was talking to. his name was Julian the one who didn't even have a nickname. I really liked him and still do clearly. but he isn't where the story gets interesting yet. I kept seeing him frequently. I would see him about once a week or once every two weeks depending on the times. I also saw him at school almost everyday. he was my rock my consistency you could say. 

Not very notable but something to mention, I did see a friend of mine more often. he was my friends roommate and we got on really well so we started talking more and more. we eventually had a little episode and didn't really talk after that for some reason. I don't really know why we just really didn't. I didn't really care and let it go fairly quickly since I had Julian. 

I had already met at this point my newest coworker ben who was very much attracted to me. He was very nice and forward and had a very clear crush on me and had made it obvious. I kept my distance since I had heard he had a girlfriend and we both kind of friend zoned each other cause of our weird situations. I honestly didn't think we would get along anyways but he was cute and I knew we would most definitely get along as friends. We randomly saw each other nothing serious maybe casual sex happened later along the way when we were bored. 

I met someone else who was a friend throughout the past semester and summer. we were friends but got super close and once we met in person it was kind of confusing. we thought we had something and kissed and neither was prepared to be serious and he especially wasn't so we broke it off and stayed friends. It was a weird situation and I thought I knew him but really didn't. we didn't really get along well as time went on but still remained friends. he is currently still upset a little cause he saw me making out with Julian shortly after we broke it off. 

I continued on with Julian of course my favorite person and later me and ben around November started to get a lot closer. we hung out more and got very close so we kind of got feelings. I think it was the constantly seeing each other at work was really it. it was such a shit show but we went only for the chance to see the other. when I was there and he wasn't it was upsetting and the day was a drag. We got very close and eventually by then end of the year/ beginning of year decided either we had to break it off or start dating cause we liked each other and had gotten very close. 

SO we dated and it ended 3 months later. In those 3 months I didn't see Julian at all. I thought about him a lot and I shouldn't have done this relationship with Julian still so close by. it was hard and the 2 times in those 3 months Julian texted to hang out it broke my heart that I couldn't go. I hate to admit it now cause Its just awful that I would date someone having those feelings for someone else. Julian and I aren't that close so it was always easy to do. I was so close with ben and we had shared so much of ourselves with each other. It was hard for me cause clearly I don't share. I shared with ben a lot it felt easy with him honestly. I think it was just infatuation with ben he brought out a better side of me I was happy to see and obviously I found him attractive but more of in a cute kind of way I guess. I did really like him but I think I liked the idea of dating someone more than him. I liked the idea of having someone there for me and around always without intruding on their life. It was very nice to have and I took advantage of it definitely. maybe too much honestly which made it hard when it ended. and maybe why it ended I was so in love with it I was afraid to lose it. I loved being with him I didn't want to lose it even though I knew we didn't get along so I pushed him to admit it cause I knew he felt just like me. I feel bad kind of like I lied to myself which is the hardest thing to do. 

Now I'm going back trying to figure out how I feel about everything honestly. Did I really like ben? I think that just came out that I really didn't and he didn't either. I liked the idea of dating someone and that's what I miss now more than anything. I miss having a person there for me but it should be the right person. 

Ive now been going all the way back to try to figure out how I have really felt about people. I've talked about Omar before and how I felt about him and that was real but I don't think I feel that strongly anymore about him but he's been speaking to me making it all a bit confusing. 

Julian I haven't seen or spoken to too much recently. I think I really like him and he doesn't know that. I think I want to see him again for a bit and see how I feel. maybe I just missed him or missed being free. I really missed him though if I'm being honest. I want to see how l feel when I see him again. 

[booksbroadwaybbc]

[SERIOUS] I need advice with improving.... via /r/selfimprovement

[SERIOUS] I need advice with improving....

Hello Guys,

I am writing this because i am looking for some feedback within this community on how to change my life. Before i start, i want to say that i have been browsing this community for some time now and while i have picked up soke amazing ideas, the implementation of those ideas have been unsuccessful/tricky to make. I felt in major need of writing this as i am beginning to fall into what i feel is an Endless spiral of failure. I am looking for some guidance on how i can fix some areas of life.

INTRODUCTION

So lets start off with some background. Who am i? I am a 19 year old student who is looking to become the best i possibly can be, much like many other people browsing this sub-reddit. I've become very interested in changing my life over the last 2 years due to feeling inadequate with myself, along with not being satisfied with my current situation. I know that there is more to who i am, and so i want to be the one to make those essential changes.

ATTEMPTS & UNSUCCESSFUL CHANGES

I think that its quite key to focus on the positives that i have attained so far before wallowing into the negatives that could be improved. So here is a list of ideas/methods i have tried to implement but i have struggled with.

EXERCISE: I have tried to do small amounts of basic exercise everyday however i do not live close to a gym and am unable to drive at this time . Another thing which is putting me off is the lack of knowledge when it comes to training. I want to train, however i feel like im going to incorrectly work out and hurt myself. The solution for this is pay for a trainer, however with the finances of a student, plus the anxiety of looking like an absolute "Gym Noob", i havent racked the confidence to do this. I really want

DIET: I have been trying to make this my focus as there is study after study that proves a strong healthy-happy correlation. I think the problem with this area is once again, i have no expertise. I do what i feel is right which after time causes me to panic and stop dieting all together, because i feel like im causing myself more harm by not doing a diet correctly than actually at all. An example of this was when i looked into taking supplement to support my diet, only to find out that i was actually taking something loaded in nasty second-hand chemicals which caused migraines. On the other hand, being to extreme and eating one-sidedly which causes stomach upsets etc.

NOFAP: This is one of the key areas that im improving on however its really killing me mentally. I have made so many resets alongside restrictions to limit porn usage and i feel minimal progress. Now, i have gone from 2 day streaks to consistent 7 day streaks but i lose this due to bordem. I have read many posts about cold showers and keeping busy, but I can't seem to get into a continuous habit of being occupied long enough to not fap. Its driving me crazy as i havent had any sexual relations for 2 years now and it's making me anxious that im becoming an "Incel" and missing out on my youth.

SOCIAL: This is quite a hard area, if not the hardest for me at the moment. After leaving my college months back, i don't speak to old people i know anymore as i feel that i don't connect with them (truth be told, i never did.) I still speak to some girls from time to time, however i dont have anything that is successfully going for me to warrant turning it any further (I don't know if i would thinking about it). I have practically no genuine guy friends and it can be quite challenging at times. I know it's quite pessimistic but i feel that it gets harder to make friends as you get older, especially when i am pushing myself to a mindset of success. I feel at this stage, university is the only solid way for friendships, but i dont want that as an incentive to pay 36k for a Degree. Lastly, i dont consider the people i work with as Actual friends, as they have made it throughly clear that they are there for a paycheck (Which i can't blame them for, as i am the same).

WHAT I WANT & NEEDING YOUR ADVICE

So now that i have listed my wrongs/attempts, heres what i would love to ideally have with each area of improvement.

EXERCISE IMPROVEMENT: I want to be able to be confident in my body. This undoubtedly is by ACTUALLY working out, but also to feel comfortable that what i am doing is correct. On top of this, i would also like to get past my fear of looking new. I understand completely that you need to start and that no one is an expert straight away, but of course it's easier said than done.

DIET IMPROVEMENT: I want to be able to have a healthy diet that I know is reducing my weight, detoxifying my body, reducing my risk of cancers & disease and ACTUALLY TASTES NICE! I have no problems cooking (I love to cook) but i just need to find an app or set in stone diet with these things. I am really concious that im letting myself go and eating is the first step in change

NOFAP IMPROVEMENT: i want to NOT FUCK UP MY STREAKS 24/7. Its honestly that simple. Ive read so many stories of people gaining confidence, happiness, purpose, female attention and much more which Really motivates me on this path, but of course if it was easy then everyone would be doing it.

SOCIAL IMPROVEMENT: I would love to have my social group / status back somehow. To be able to have a solid group of friends that have partially similar life goals, incite into new or different journeys Like travelling, holidays or even just simple weekend activities. I want to get passed this Mental ideology that at my age, (19/20ish) that university is really the last stop for good friends. Also that its a job which is now your friendship circle (If you didnt go down a uni path).

In conclusion, i would like opinions on how you have or would change these areas of life. I strive like many other people to be more than what i am, but it's challenging. Anything worth doing isn't easy, but it's nice to have a helping hand where needed.

Submitted November 13, 2018 at 02:43AM by BigManGeorge via reddit https://ift.tt/2OGY7Wr

[enzaime-blog]

I surprised myself and returned to a normal lifestyle

New Story has been published on https://enzaime.com/surprised-returned-normal-lifestyle/

I surprised myself and returned to a normal lifestyle

I stumbled into triathlon in 2010 and was immediately hooked. Having never been an athlete, I surprised myself with how I took to the sport and found immense joy and happiness in everything related to it – the people, the training, the lifestyle, and the medals. I also found a sense of purpose and accomplishment within myself. On Nov. 2, 2013 I completed Ironman Florida in 13:31:51 – my most rewarding and difficult accomplishment to date. (An ironman is 2.4 miles of swimming, followed by a 112 mile bike ride, followed by a 26.2 run.) Little did I know that endeavor would be a walk in the park.

My symptoms started in February 2014; a dull ache in my right scapular region. I had just been dealt a devastating blow to my marriage and chalked it up to intense heartache. Over the next few months, the ache remained and hurt whenever I lifted my arm over my head. I had never hurt in that region before so I brushed it off to circumstance.

By the end of April, I had to make some changes. I picked a town in Florida to move to (Port Richey), packed up my family of pets and said goodbye to my husband in South Carolina. I was starting over all alone but determined to pick up the pieces.

Within days of arriving in Port Richey, I joined a running group to try and return to a normal lifestyle for me. Pretty soon, I started with a triathlon group as well. Spending time with likeminded people certainly helped with my mindset and it was because of this group that I met a man, John, who I immediately connected with. We started logging some pretty significant training miles together, pushing each other to the limits and having the most wonderful time doing it. Training time lead to other time and it was soon clear that I had found someone very, very special.

By September I was in the best shape of my life. I was setting personal bests in sprint triathlons and 5K road races. I was having a ball with John and loving life. Things weren’t just looking up, they WERE up. But my symptoms weren’t something I could ignore any longer. A triathlete is used to pushing through a level of pain, to get over the hurt in order to reach the sweet spot. But I couldn’t move past this hurt. The dull ache had turned into sharp pains lasting most of the day. The pain moved from the scapular region to the side shoulder to the front of my chest over the course of a month or so. I would wake up screaming in pain, gasping for breath. Sneezing brought me to tears. A jerk of my arm or a push to my back would result in me bowing down in pain. I would have to hold my right arm as if in a sling as the weight of just letting it dangle hurt my whole chest. I began to get nauseas after running. How could I be this physically fit, but yet feel so horrible? I kept praying it was just an injury, rather than an illness. As much as I hated for the racing season to end, I was looking forward to the break. My last race was on Oct. 10, 2014 – a 9-mile train run. I finished in a respectable time and really enjoyed the run. I later found out that I did it with my right lung 80 percent filled with fluid.

Around mid-September I finally decided to seek treatment. On account of the chest pain, I had a full cardiac workup which showed nothing other than I had a healthy heart. A chest X-ray showed nothing as well. A few weeks later I started physical therapy on the chance it was an injury. On the second session, the technician was quite insistent that I see an orthopedic doctor and even made arrangements for me to see a friend of his that day, on a semi urgent basis. Upon seeing that doctor for just a consultation, he was just as insistent that I have a CT scan done. Although insistent, I thought this was completely random. I do not remember his exact orders for why I should have the CT done, other than that I should have it done at a place that I would feel comfortable staying at for a few days if they found anything. I headed to Trinity Hospital for the CT. It was not long after the scans were done that the radiologist came and said that he advised I go to the ER. The CT had shown something on my liver.

On Oct. 14, 2014 an internal medicine doctor assigned to me from the ER told me she was admitting me to rule out cancer. I was alone at the time, John had not yet made it to the hospital. I called my parents and let them know I was being admitted and it did not look good. I felt calm at the time; I felt strong enough to beat anything that was going to be thrown my way.

I was diagnosed with stage IV adenocarcinoma lung cancer that spread to the liver and spine. My lungs, the powerhouse of my athletic ability, had turned on me.  I was stunned, shocked and now scared. I had never smoked in my life – it all seemed like a cruel joke.  But I vowed to remain strong in front of my parents and John during the hospital stay. I told myself I could fall apart at home. I had to have a thoracentesis and a chest tube. I had a plethora of CT’s and PET scans, chest X-rays, blood tests. The pain was very intense and I do not remember much of my two week hospital stay because of the medications.

During the weeks after my stay, the support from friends and family was amazing. I had never felt so much love or support in my life. John went above and beyond to help me recuperate and stay positive. I was very tired all the time, I had no energy, I had lost a significant amount of weight and I was very, very sad. I tried to rely on triathlon training and just make it to the next buoy, the next mile whatever that mile may bring. I was reminded daily that if I could do an Ironman, I could do this, that I was stronger than I thought. My spirituality rose sky high, however, my core was shattered. It was clear that all roads had lead me to this point. However, I felt my life was ending.

We rallied hard to get into Moffitt. I saw Dr. Eric Haura and both John and I immediately liked him – he was a triathlete!! I felt comfortable being with someone who knew my background of being a fighter and someone who was undoubtedly analytical and I wanted him to assure me I could get back to where I was athletically. He started genetic testing procedures to see if he could isolate the cancer cell and in the meantime I started on a six-week chemo round in November; going once every three weeks. I hated every second of it – I would have one good week and one/two very bad weeks. In February I was cleared to start taking a daily chemo pill, Zalkoryie. I felt in much more control with this method of treatment.

I also started exercising again. I am a firm believer in the power of exercise – for the mind, body and soul. I was an athlete and I wasn’t going to let lung cancer stop me. Especially if I can motivate someone else to get moving. I resumed all disciplines as best as I could and tried to rebuild all the muscle I had lost. I did a comeback triathlon with the St. Anthony’s sprint distance in May. Although my performance was nothing like in the past, I was proud I completed it.

However, by May the pill had stopped working and my tumors were growing again. I started on the next version of a chemo pill, Zykadia.  This pill had some wonderful reviews and many people had reported going years before losing resistance to it. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. In September of this year, I found out my body is resisting this pill as well and my tumors are growing again. More genetic testing is being done and I will hopefully start a new treatment plan.

It is hard for me to explain what cancer has done to me. I realize my blessings are abundant, however I recognize on a daily basis all that is now gone. Though I am working hard to regain my athletic ability and once again feel that joy, I fear that part of my life is something I will never have back. I have lost my zest for life and bubbly personality; in its place are worries about debt, needles, pills and an early death. I feel guilty for John having to deal with my nausea and treatment plan rather than planning vacations or logging training miles together. Cancer knows no boundaries or rules; it doesn’t discriminate and it doesn’t play fairly.  I, however, have a triathlete brain to get me through this.  A triathlete doesn’t stop when the racing gets ugly – they keep going, they push through, they finish.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i constructed this personality. and ts like.. i’m not going to say arrogant because i wouldnt call it that. it’s really like a borderline manipulation? maybe? it’s hard to speak about yourself in such terribly harsh terms. but i think it is manipulative in .. a number of ways. like i definitely control how i could be perceived on a certain level and i’m intelligent enough to follow cues of like how i can “get over” on certain people.

this is very much like my own mother.

and then these people, i “use” them as a way to continually cement whatever delusional beliefs i have in myself at that time. and this is why i prefer to cultivate individual relationships rather than group ones because i can better control perception and beliefs with one person at a time. and this is why its very easy to drop people when my perceptions of myself have shifted. but many of these perceptions are negative - i feel depressed. i want the people around me to feed my depression and if they dont, well they don’t understand or respect how i’m living. 

and the thing is - i totally bought into my own bullshit. in these moments, i whole heartedly believe i am a true victim of life and circumstances - maybe i am, who the fuck knows but that is my fucking identity and it needs to be acknowledged. 

if one version of my beliefs contradicts another and ive sold them to two different people, those two cannot co exist in my life.

i definitely use sex as a manipulation tool as well but i also have genuine love. like it’s probably sick mental illness love but i really do have love. 

im failing in large professional group situations because i cannot control the individual perceptions of me and i am very... sensitive but not necessarily insecure to any perceived negativity towards me and those things ruminate so i try to avoid those people again for that particular reason. 

but the thing is i’m not trying to control their perception so they think i’m great. i don’t care about that. i just want them to believe what i think of myself. and i generally think i’m a victim and incapable and traumatized to paralyzation. but again, i believe this. i whole heartedly believe i am this person at this time and it affects me; i’m depressed, suicidal, trapped, isolated etc. and i express these feelings to have them confirmed from others, much like seeking approval, so that cycle can continue and i end up in a complete breakdown, wanting to die and suffocating, reaching out for help that i’m never really going to get.

but this personality is really really really ingrained in order to protect myself. i dont want people to know that this is all just a rouse and i’m just building a weird psychosis against society until my mental barriers of right an wrong break down. i’m nuts. i would never in a millio years show anyone these rwritings because it is a true testament to how bat shit insane i truly am. there are small breaks in between but its soooo up and down. 

in january - while being on medication, i had a bit of apathy and some issues with warren which worked themselves out but i still felt isolated which probably had something to do ith “under appreciated” and “being misunderstood”; both pretty big red flags to a negative perception of reality. i had some lingering anger about society. in march i continued to feel isolated and i guess thought living together ould solve the problem because i was happy ith him but also happy about answering to no one. 

in april i decided to apply for college; i was sometimes taking the medication i as prescribed but would miss 2 - 3 days before i stopped taking it altogether. still, i felt isolated but also seemed to just be ignorant to how much harm i had caused in the previous three months of dealing ith someone who was living in their own altered reality. 

by june i hit a severe depression; i wasnt taking any medication at all and i was severly unhappy with everyone around me. i had to move, i was accepted to college but couldnt bear leaving and starting over again 

july i had been prescribed anti depressants that i did not take at all. i was very aggravated and very depressed and felt like he didnt care about it (probably because i was unhappy with everyone for a month)

in august i had a lot of seperation anxiety and frustration with my ‘professional life’ i’m not even sure exactly what it was but i wrote in my notes ‘self delusional’ and underlined it so i feel like i as super delusional about myself or how i was acting and i was beginning to ruminate much more on my trauma. 

by september im completely focused on my trauma and shifting the blame and a lot of stress about moving and the whole finding him apartments thing and just an overall disconnect in communication.

in october, i’m now just in rambling self delusions and resentful at him, probably about moving. i am back to being unhappy about society 

by november i’m focused on socieety, i feel isolated, i have extreme anxiety and victimizing myself. 

this is really rare evidence in my life, written by the most accurate source. i cannot argue with myself. all i can do is look at it and accept it for what it is and i would really rather forget how really not good this is. like lbr, it’s look like had i continued to take the medication even at a super staggered pace i wouldve been 5% better in life. instead i went off of it and went back to severly wanting to die. 

so i guess - kudos to myself for being pretty fucking insane and still making it to 28 years old. thats actually really good. 

i think im ready to genuinely lose him. not in like a “oh fuck u  i hate u” kind of way but that i understand that for what i do want, i’m not mentally well enough to have it from him, someone who has all the right in the world to go live a normal rich life. even crazy, i do deserve someone who loves me and ants to be with me and will also help me. its like my former best friend; i knew she deserved better and i think he deserves a better chance at least. 

he told me to write him a list of ways he could help me. 

- i want to share a life with someone. you either continue out of pity or by defaullt to ask me to come to your house and participate in your life but you do not understand the weight of “sharing a life”. it means having and planning a future together, to have the expectation that this person will be around and apart of your support system and you might need to accomidate them to do so. right now it’s easy. youre “fulfilling the role” except for any indication of stability or a future. the more time i spend with someone who pretends to share a life with me but doesnt actually commit to a stable future, the more it feeds into my own self hatred, perpetuating the cycle. i would not second guess everything if i truly believed i have a normal legitimate future with you. i wouldnt spend time ruminiating and second guessing and cycling and spiraling into past trauma. to help me is to commit or walk away. 

[bodizwonder]

What It’s Like to Use IVF For Genetic Testing

In our new sequence Pregnancy Diaries, we ask anticipating girls to jot down each pregnancy-related element of their lives for per week. (Special because of New York mag and Refinery29 for the inspo.) Work-related conundrums, struggles with IVF, and an entire lot of nausea, forward. This week, we have now a 32-year-old Advertising Sales Exec based mostly in NYC who’s 34.5 weeks pregnant together with her first baby. She and her husband selected genetically take a look at their embryos by way of IVF for a uncommon genetic dysfunction—and it paid off. 

My husband and I returned from our honeymoon excited to leap off the tablet and bounce into making a child. I’m Jewish, and whereas I like to contemplate myself a Type-A Hippy, I went to the physician to ask 101 questions earlier than attempting to conceive. I needed to be taking the suitable nutritional vitamins nicely prematurely and do genetic testing prior in order that we had no surprises. Being Jewish Tay Sachs was the actual genetic dysfunction most are on the lookout for, and while you get married, your rabbi will seemingly provide you with pamphlet to correctly scare you.

Shortly after my appointment, I discovered we have been a match for FMF. A brilliant frequent, not life threatening auto-inflammatory illness. The means it was described was it may really feel like completely nothing, or the kid may have fevers working 104+, joint ache, and want remedy and dietary restrictions for the remainder of his/her life. Is this taking place? I felt STUCK. The solely alternative to keep away from this was to genetically take a look at my eggs by way of IVF. IVF??? I by no means ever tried naturally and so they talked about these phrases. We sat on the choice for two months chatting with docs. Some thought we have been loopy for eager to do IVF for one thing so minor, whereas others who had sufferers with FMF stated in the event you can keep away from this, why wouldn’t you. We spoke to pediatricians, genetic counselors, and made an appointment with an IVF clinic to know the method and consider.

After 2 months, we acquired an e-mail that in 2016 IVF can be 100 % coated underneath our insurance coverage. That was the one e-mail I wanted and I by no means regarded again. We began IVF. It was NOT a black and white course of. While I used to be fortunate and acquired 8 stunning embryos, 4 have been affected with the genetic dysfunction—leaving us with 4 embryos. After ready 4 months to construct a probe to check for the dysfunction in a lab (we would have liked blood from all 4 of our dad and mom which have been enjoyable telephone calls to make) my first switch was cancelled resulting from my lining not being thick sufficient and my physique didn’t need remedy (shocker). We’re not 5 months out from beginning this course of which felt like 12 years.

We tweaked our efforts and I did a “natural” switch the next month working off my pure ovulation. I went in each different day to trace this so my life was mornings within the clinic. Low and behold, the 2nd switch caught! We kissed, skipped whereas strolling, and that was it. Two days later, we get a name that my numbers dropped, and I had a “chemical” being pregnant and misplaced the embryo. That’s once I panicked. I began the method in January. After blood exams, ready on labs, and many others. right here we’re with no solutions—virtually seven months into the method and no clarification.

July got here by and I used to be hopeful that the primary was a typical fluke, however no luck. Now we have been anxious that we would have a fertility challenge, and questioning if IVF was a horrible determination, so I took a month off, did rounds of testing, and went on a weekend retreat to chill out. I refused to switch one of many 2 we had left with out understanding why the primary failed. The solely factor discovered was that I had a excessive degree of “natural killer” cells. This was controversial however meant that my immune system was seeing the embryos as international objects making them more durable to stay. The resolution was to take an anti-inflammatory drug and and IV each 2-3 weeks previous to the following switch. It got here with extra dangers and now I used to be left weighing the professionals and cons of IVF over risking FMF to start with.  At this level, we have been all in and I took the auto-inflammatory tablet and IV therapy.

Come November, we did our 3rd switch with an embryo they stated was the bottom grade and the weakest, however my husband and I had our eye on this 1 all the time. It was the underdog and needed to be thawed twice to get a correct studying on its genetics and so they considering disregarding this embryo. You MUST be your individual advocate, and name your individual photographs. Eight days after the switch we acquired a name that it caught, however my ranges once more have been so low that it could be extremely uncommon if it carried via to a viable being pregnant.  I can’t clarify how the following 12 weeks glided by—strolling round fascinated by how shortly I may—and doubtless would—lose the child. But I didn’t! The embryo defied the 1 % odd of survival. I even bled all the first trimester, and right here I’m, eight months pregnant with a wholesome child boy. His embryo quantity was 14, in order that’s our fortunate quantity now. Our emails from our IVF physician are past cute (“GO 14 GO!”) all the time. It was a journey to say the least.

Summary of my conception? Don’t put a date in your conception, by no means cease asking questions, and neglect the world round you. This is your path, your timing, your baby and household’s well being and no matter that path seems to be prefer it’s yours.

Day 1

6 a.m. — Husband is away on enterprise and I slept with the shades open to get up with the solar, which is the simplest means for me to get up proper now. I felt famished and awakened on my again (which is a no-no, so I panicked a bit). I eased into the day with cereal with almond Milk and a Liquiteria Coffee and Cacao smoothie which has been my vice. Protein, somewhat caffeine, and it curbs urge for food in a means I can’t describe. It’s magical.

9 a.m. — In the workplace, draped in a white ASOS maternity gown in 75-degree warmth. Feeling fairly good. Working on my maternity protection doc to make sure if I am going early my work world remains to be afloat. I’ve had many moments the place I felt panicked and figured I must cease pondering and begin doing. My power is a bit decrease however nonetheless totally practical. I maintain reciting my favourite quote: “Clarity comes from engagement” and powering via.

12 p.m. — Taking a 30-minute stroll to a shopper lunch to get my physique shifting.

3 p.m. — Trying to not eat copious quantities of chocolate. I’ve been fairly good about my weight achieve (I’m 5 ft.) and don’t deprive myself however I did sneak a chunk. Drank water and Honest Tea to replenish and hydrate. My girlfriends warned me of what they name v-lightening, which I felt when getting up for a snack. You realize it while you really feel it—that’s for rattling positive.

6 p.m. — Met a buddy for a brainstorm for a brand new enterprise thought. Staying social and a lot of the ladies simply get a kick out of seeing me pregnant. Surrounding myself with associates is tremendous useful even on the times I need to crawl in a gap.

10 p.m. — Yeah proper, good evening. Read Richard Scarry to my babes and handed out chilly.

“

Husband comes residence from work journey, however I’d be mendacity if I stated I want I had the king mattress to myself for yet another evening….

”

Day 2

9 a.m. — Woke as much as go head over to Latham Thomas Mama Glow prenatal exercise class in downtown Tribeca. Summer Fridays by no means felt so good and since I’ve solely performed Yoga Vida exercise lessons that are extra of a stretch, this 1 actually kicked my butt and made me really feel like I may transfer once more.

12 p.m. — My actual cravings have truthfully been almond milk, something with ice, chocolate, and fruit. I do know, not that attention-grabbing however I’m consistently thirsty and by no means actually hungry. I snagged avo toast after the exercise with a tough boiled egg, however I truthfully may have an icy smoothie for each meal.

3 p.m. — I received drained actual quick, and took a pleasant 2 hour nap. They have gotten extra frequent on this trimester and I can’t perform with out them.

6 p.m. — Nighttime rolled round and my husband arrived residence. We took a stroll via the park to dinner. Per traditional, I stared on the menu, needed nothing, ordered out of strain to take action, and barely ate it. All I needed was a tall glass of milk…. Go determine.

8 p.m. — Off to mattress early, as this weekend is the final of the marriage circuit and I’ve dedicated to a marriage at 8.5 months ripe and a bridal bathe prior. Good information is I used to be wanting ahead to carrying my stretchy, daring pink, ASOS maternity gown. I’ve at all times worn outsized frocks and attire, however ASOS has actually been a savior right here. Having the appropriate outfit that’s comfy but enticing has stored me having fun with occasions like these. I attempted to slide right into a flowy Zimmerman quantity but it surely was an entire fail and simply wouldn’t lay proper.

Day 3

9 a.m. — Red gown on, and out the door. I knew this was going to be an extended day for me given I used to be attending the bridal bathe as a bridesmaid and headed off to a marriage upstate straight from there. I didn’t drink my conventional morning smoothie (espresso, bananas, cacao, protein powder, and almond milk) and I actually paid for it. I used to be noshing on random snacks and by no means actually felt glad. I used to be a bit cranky to say the least. I spent nearly all of the marriage chatting, answering questions on how far alongside I used to be, and consuming cake. One factor I at all times have room for is sweets. I used to be by no means a drinker previous to being pregnant so it didn’t trouble me being sober. I used to be extra centered on how my tolerance for heels declined dramatically—in addition to my capacity to bop till the wee hours.

Day 4

9 a.m. — Typically my Sundays are way more pampering with face masks, yoga, and errands, however at this time was Father’s Day and it’s actually a particular 1. I drove residence to see my dad and spend the day with my household and snagged somewhat reward for the soon-to-be dad. He was working low on work polos that he wears on extra informal days, so matching mild blue polo and 1 for our little man on the way in which (monogrammed, an added perk).

3 p.m. — My dad put the automotive seat within the automotive. I’ve began to get a bit freaked that I may go into labor at any second, as my sister in legislation gave start at 29 weeks. Anything I can do to prep places my thoughts comfy though I do know you possibly can by no means actually put together your self.

6 p.m. — Driving residence, automotive seat intact, 900 different objects ran via my head which I threw on the calendar to deal with within the AM. I sit up for work, as a result of I’m my most efficient, surrounded by superb girls, and get a lot performed which eases my thoughts on this residence stretch.

Day 5

9 a.m. — Woke up, able to deal with the week and had a slew of conferences. I’ve actually been shifting slower than traditional however wrapping this up for my final 3 weeks on the workplace and weaning in some self-care has been my savior. I had my favourite Liquiteria Coffee + Cacao smoothie, gave up my work tote for my Celine cross physique for consolation, and stopped carrying something heavy. I refuse to eat lunch at my desk and went out for tomato + ricotta Toast. Weaning in walks and good meals is protecting the work days lighter and extra practical. Before heading residence, I cleaned up our on-line registry a bit since I really feel I’m coming shut and I went nuts with the gun at BuyBuyBaby. A retailer that by no means crossed my thoughts in one million years—which I’ve come to be taught is the top all be all for this stage in life however I needed to go together with the “less is more” technique and can determine it out as soon as child is right here. Clutter and waste frightens me.

6 p.m. — After taking the pup for a stroll via Washington Square Park, we stopped for dinner at Senza Gluten and ate outdoors. I bounce on the likelihood to do issues that I could not be capable to do when child arrives. I scarfed down a Caprese salad and pasta w/ mushrooms. Dessert today is a MUST so I attempt to maintain it in test a bit (5 ft. tall and pregnant is a problem in itself). I had chocolate sorbet from Amorino. It’s even higher than iced cream, I swear.

Day 6

6 a.m. — I haven’t been sleeping nicely. As a again and stomach sleeper, the facet sleeping isn’t chopping it. Some love the being pregnant pillows, and so they do assist, but it surely’s not the identical. The lack of a strong evening’s sleep has been one of many one of many more durable issues to get used to. I used to be shifting like a snail and took me some time to get into issues at this time.

12 p.m. — I took purchasers to mani/pedis and anybody even remotely touching my legs is a dream. I get Charlie horses on the common. I don’t have many ache and aches however between the sleep and legs tightness I’d say these are my downfalls. I ended the day in an Epson salt bathtub and went to mattress early.

Day 7

9 a.m. – I awakened with a variety of power and able to deal with the day. It’s superb what a heat bathtub and strong sleep will do on your headspace as nicely. I polished off my maternity depart doc which is making it very actual that I’ll be weaning out of the workplace and into this new life for the following 3 months/18 years/remainder of my life let’s be actual.

12 p.m. — I used to be on hearth getting work performed, making calls, and an out of the workplace shopper assembly that I picked up lunch to eat again on the workplace and shut out the day feeling like I achieved greater than I anticipated. I snagged a balsamic hen + avo sandwhich from Pret A Manger and ate on the workplace. One factor I legit can’t dwell with out is something with ice. I do know I’ve stated this earlier, however critically something icy. I grabbed an infinite cup of ice at a deli for my Honest Tea Half and Half and sipped this on my stroll again.

6 p.m. — I had all of the intention on this planet to move to pre-natal yoga (I set to go 2 to a few instances per week however at this time I simply took a move and went residence.)

7  p.m. — My husband was craving sushi so I opted for a cooked shrimp roll. We’ve agreed the minute this little boy comes out, he’ll be working out to Sushi of Gari for the tuna assortment…I miss fatty tuna greater than I can specific. Headed off to mattress, as my 35-week test up is early within the morning and checking to see how this miracle #14 is doing.

Source: fitnesscaster.com Source: Bodiz Wonder

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#74 (#2) 1:59pm July 14

-October 22 2:56pm Eh, today had been a bit better compared to other days. I realize I’ve been lazy and haven’t been writing much on here. I will promise for now on, it has been pretty rough since last Friday since my sadness hit on of it’s lowest points again. Blegh, this year I’ve lost more than what I’ve gained so far. I don’t plan to live long if the trend continues for the rest of this year and the next. I miss all my close Xbox friends, it’s my fault I’m currently avoiding them. I think they’re happier without me and their happiness is all I care about (for the most part). On the bright side, I’ve managed to get some inspiration to continue my skills on guitar, drawing and ‘’singing’’ (I can’t sing). The motivation came from a reference from an old movie which ‘’predicted’’ October 21 2015. (Back to the Future 2, 1985) The actor who played the crazy scientist recorded a video containing these words: ‘’Great Scott! If my calculations are correct, it is now precisely October 21, 2015. The future has finally arrived. Yes, it is different than we all thought. But don’t worry. It just means your future hasn’t been written yet. No one has. Your future is whatever you make it so make it a good one.’’ His last words probably hit me more than others since I love ‘’Back to the Future’’. It’s one of my favorite movies. I recently watched ‘’Bridge of Spies’’ this past weekend. I thought it was a great movie, especially for not making the Russians the ultimate bad people during the Cold War. (Movie set during the height of it). Asides from movies, I’ve managed to gear from my gf’s voice after weeks of not hearing it. It stuck me to my heart to hear how depressed she was.  Thought the call cut out, I was able to treasure the bitter sweet voice I was able to hear. Like always, she’s my everything. I just hope she can beat her illness… -3:31pm -October 27 7:32pm Today’s the day of my 33rd monthly anniversary with my gf! Plus, today is when Halo 5 is finally out after all these years. I might get it tonight or tomorrow I cant wait to play it. Aside from that I’ve been having a rough week. Ive gotten so much of tests and homework, I’m pretty sure I’m off to a bad start. My depression loves to get the best of me. Sometimes I think my life is useless and Ill never be good enough. Suicidal thoughts? Yes, plenty of them as each minute fades to the past. I’m still waiting if life really does get better, things have been pretty flat with some downs. I still feel numb from the constant bombings of my thoughts. I’m still unhappy with my life, not even improving in my hobbies. I play guitar like a child, I sing like a whale and my drawings would be great to be used as toilet paper on how crappy it is. Ugh, at least all of my friends are doing well. Sosa (basically only school friend) has been doing great since he’s been hanging out with this one girl. She sounds pretty friendly from what I’ve heard of her from him. I’m just concerned things might go wrong between them, resulting them to not to speak to each other (Im sure they wouldn’t have sex, she’s a lesbian, at least for now).  I hope the best for him. He’s a great guy for certain. I don’t know how my other friends are doing, I haven’t talked to them due to my ‘’exodus’’. I hope they’re all okay. Lastly, but for best, I THINK my doing fine. Depressed, still? Yeah. Busy? Yeah. Do I still love her? Always and eternity. Happy 33rd anniversary, my love. My everything… 8:00pm P.S. = Te amo

- November 4 7:12pm Well, this week has been alright. Anyway! I got Halo 5 and beat the campaign on the same day. My opinion for the story: It was alright, I mean, some parts were just great, yet I think the story could’ve been so much better. Cortana… Ugh, I’m speechless, I can’t believe what happened to her. She didn’t seem right when she first appeared. She changed. It pains me to know after what Master Chief tried to do to get Cortana back, he couldn’t. Cortana went off her own path on what she thought was right. Master Chief asks ‘’Where’s Cortana?’’ Spartan Locke replies ‘’She’s gone. He stares at Locke with his broken visor. Then, Cortana causes havoc. More scenes passes by, then the credits. The music plays on only to leaves us guessing what’ll happen soon. (Break) -11:16pm. Well, I forgot to continue, woops. Ill write more soon. I have a lot in mind at the moment. - November 11 6:20pm

Ah, this day had been lonesome. Monday and Tuesday has been alright. Yet, Tuesday after school I realized something. I’m worth nothing. Ugh, I’m basically depressed. On Xbox, Stori has been distant. It’s like she doesn’t like my presence anymore. She’s been hanging out with ‘’Skitz’’ and ‘’G’’ (both Xbox names just shortened) so much. I don’t understand why. I understand G is online all the time and so is Stori, but I guess G has convinced Stori to get away from me. G and I haven’t talked in weeks., he’s a horrible person. If only Stori would notice, it bothers me greatly. I know G wants me dead, he told Seeker and Stori that I should commit suicide. Ugh, he disgusts me. I don’t plan to talk to him, but Ill do it if it prevents me from losing Stori. As of now, my best friends are Seeker, Dj, and Sosa, the school friend. Skitz and G can just be gone, they’re rotten apples to me. Useless and unwanted, I despise them immensely. It’s blatant that G hates me, you can feel the vibe of it. Well, sorta, I’m just exaggerating here. My gf says just to give it time. Which I will, since I can’t be against what makes my friend happy. I just miss Stori and Dj and Seeker being around. Nowadays, it’s just me all alone. Sosa is suicidal, but ‘’his’’ girl should help out a lot. Even though she’s a lesbian, things can change. As for my Erin (GF), she’s doing just fine. I still think she’s fine without me. I still love her. All the time she. She’s my universe. Yeah, she’s happy with me, but I feel I’m not good enough. I never have felt it, I’m nothing. Hell, I haven’t done anything that adds worth to me. Everyone else is just better than me no matter how little they try. I’m invisible, I’m no one and nobody. Suicide has been constant in my mind, but I live for others. Ill keep living until (Break, mom’s here, 7:01pm) 10:43pm They’re all gone from my life and gone from their thoughts. As for now, they’re here and I should enjoy their presence while I can. They’re family. MY family, the one I always wanted… 10:46Pm P.S. I had no school today.

-November 13 6:43pm

Each day of each hour has its sweets and sours. Days and nights where they feel the same. Today is bittersweet. I’ve managed to speak to my Love on Skype. She’s perfect as always, I love her greatly. She’s still largely insecure about our love. She feels like one day Ill send her a breakup text, which will never occur no matter what situation. I love her. Before that, she was talking about her being pregnant with triplets, in her dream. Saying how it went and how our family was there, both friend and biological. She spoiled me with kisses as we  chatted, she’s just perfection. I could never ask for more, only for us to be together soon. T took some screenshots to store the memories for the near future. Yet, as of now, I’m lonely. Erin is off doing something and I’m alone on Xbox as well. A couple of minutes ago I’ve been noticed that France is under terrorist attacks. It’s so interesting to know how everything can change so easily in just one hour. I’m afraid what will happen afterwards especially the refugees. I know most Europeans will be swayed towards anti-Islam thinking gen realizing the enemy and hurting the innocent. I’ve observed many tragedies, I hope this doesn’t lead them to chaos. If it does, time will tell. The choices of the people will determine the future of a country. As for now, I guess I’ll have another lonesome Friday. As my friends have fun, as my love carries on, I’ll be here. Hoping for the best in each of us. 7:05pm

-November 17 10:52pm

Ah, Im here doing homework Ill probably sleep at 12. Quick review of this week from last Friday/ Terrorist attack on France, soon later saw ‘’Forrest Gump’’ for the first time. I loved it. Saturday, I managed to get close to Stori on Xbox. It was just her, Seeker and me. She told me how G was still angry at me from a long ago event. She’s been trying to think otherwise. Plus, she reminded me on how Im still important to her. Oh, before that Seeker and Stori got into a small brawl over her different laughter which he wasn’t used to. Though it kinda killed the party mood, it soon recovered. I just feel bad for Seeker since I’m the only one that knows him seriously. As he said, being a jokester causes people not to take him seriously. He’s a great gut, I just wish he was valued more by people. We all stayed up to around 4 A.M. . It  was great, also my GF called on Skype to 3:11-3:13 to 3:14-28 Am. She mumbled mostly through all. Sunday was all work. This week has been okay besides having a lot of work to do. My Gf and I talked again which made me very happy. She’s perfect. Well, I need to focus on my work now. I’m so sleepy… 11:10pm

-November 24 12:55am

Ah, what a pleasant week it has been Friday. Guitar playing, gaming on Xbox One, talking to my Perfect Love and best friends, as well as drawing. I, for once, feel like I’m making progress in my life. Maybe Ill start writing a song since my mom has been awfully occupied with babysitting. Yet, it leaves the place to me. I don’t mean that as a selfish way, more in a way to be able to express what I love to do. As of now, I’m listening to ‘’FoxBoro HotTubs’’ which is basically ‘’Green Day’’ under another name. As nerdy and childish it sounds, I hope to be as great as them or even more. I love their songs as most would already know. I most certainly would cherish in being in a band and becoming a songwriter along with a couple of hobbies on the side. Even though I contain no pride or self esteem, it’s still something I want to go for. If I’m not able to reach that dream, then I’m not sure what’ll become of my. I’m sure I’ll be married to the girl who I love now, Erin. Skyping her for an hour was fantastic, 11:32pm-12:33pm. She makes me feel complete and I fly with joy knowing she’s beside me at all times. She’s perfection. Aside from that, I’ll update my family. Stori has being doing great compared to her bad things. One of her best friends has come over to visit her for the week. As from latest knowledge, they went to a birthday party. Bubba has been doing just fine, nothing negative that I’ve seen. He’s still trying to get his Canadian girl named Cristina, she’s sweet and happy usually. I wish him luck, even after about one or two years chasing after her. I introduced her to Bubba way back on Xbox, first met her sister then Cristina on GTA V on the Xbox 360. Anyway, Sosa has been doing well, I think. I texted him a bit today, still with his ‘’French’’ girl. Rose is okay, I sadly haven’t talked to her much. I plan to talk to her more, I don’t want to lose her. She means too much to me, she’s part of the family. I’m doing a drawing for her to cheer her up. She’s okay, but not well. I want her to know that I’m still beside her in her hardships. We’ll that’s about it. I’m off to play some Halo 5 or Black Ops 3. I desire for days like this are soon to arrive. 1:45Am

-3:26pm

[smartestcstudent]

Hi there. I’m embarrassed about the cliched nature of my problem which is probably why I’m airing it out on a random advice blog I just found rather than consulting a friend. But here goes. My husband and I aren’t getting along anymore. That’s not all that original. The twist is I think it’s our kids fault. I mean, not literally, but ever since we had them (boy and girl, ages 5 and 2) we have gradually enjoyed each other less and less. When they were babies everything was rosy, if overwhelming, of course. But lately it feels like once we get them both to sleep we’d rather zone out on TV than talk to one another. And if we do talk it seems like it turns into conflict, especially if the talk turns to the kids where we’ll butt heads, respectfully, but still butt them. I used to have a ball with this guy. We loved doing everything together. When we got married we were all gung ho to do the kids and white picket fence. Now everything with us just feels like it takes so much … effort. We’re like a real life Al and Peg Bundy. Is there anything to be done about this? Are we just going to be another predictably statistically dead marriage? - Laurie, 36, Madison, WI

Everything about our traditional mating patterns completely contradicts everything involved with our traditional notions of happily ever after. What do romantic relationships really consist of anyway? Spending time together. At first, spending fun time together. Going to drinks, dinner, movies, shows, museums, whatever it is that you like to spend your recreational time doing. Maybe the things you like in common. Maybe enjoying the contrasts in your interests. And on top of that hopefully really good naked time. Then once you’ve established that leisure-time bond you start doing the mundane things together. Shopping, cooking, familial obligations. Why? Because you’ve really gotten used to how this person’s presence makes the time pass quickly, so why not apply it to life’s drudgery to make it go easier. So you say, “hey, there’s a mind-blowing blowjob in it for you if you come sit at the DMV with me.” Sigh, young love.

Seeing as how you’ve successfully found someone you enjoy engaging with during leisure time, life’s drudgery and naked time, there’s clearly nothing left to do but lock that shit down with a ring and start replicating yourselves. And that’s where everything that formed the basis for your relationship becomes irrelevant. You’ve traded in a life of spending time with someone you enjoy to running a small business with them. Because the truth is that’s what having a family is like most of the time: logistics, budgeting, transportation, investment, board meetings about employees’ work and conduct. 90% of your time with one another will become about keeping the trains running on time and discussing how the train just got derailed. Leisure time? If you’re lucky, a couple hours a week. Naked time? If you’re lucky, a couple fleeting moments a month. Drudgery? Plenty and now your partner has become a part of it instead of just a helpful co-pilot.

Sorry to be so bleak in my evaluation of family. Obviously there are great rewards and pleasures in children and family life otherwise people wouldn’t keep doing it. But the realities of it often crash headlong into romanticized notions of a lifelong, loving relationship. Some relationships weather these realities better than others. Just because yours isn’t at the moment doesn’t mean you’re locked into a failed marriage. Kids are just one of many experiences over a lifetime that will change you and your relationship. The reason there’s always a round of applause when someone announces they’re having a 50th, 40th, 30th or even 20th wedding anniversary is that it’s a bit of a miracle for any relationship to survive all those experiences. My two cents would be for you to ride it out for the time being. Don’t try and force a reconnection. Acknowledge it, because it’s healthy to be open with one another about what’s going on. But don’t feel compelled to restart the fire out of panic that you’re losing one another. It might be just as good to give each other some space, let each other go out and hang out with other friends instead of each other all the time. After all, absence does make the heart grow fonder. And in time, if the viable connection is still there, you will find your way back each other in the new versions of yourself and your lives that exist now. And if you don’t, there’s no shame in calling it day on something that’s not working for you or your kids anymore. You didn’t fail, life just had its way with you.

Okay, so I have to vent here for a moment. Like most sane women on OKCupid, Match.com, Tinder, etc., I have a clear disclaimer in my profile that Trump voters are a no go with me. I’m pretty open-minded when it comes to dating people of all races, religions and have even dated a Republican in the past but getting involved with someone who thought it was okay to vote for that incompetent misogynist is just a bridge too far. ANYWAY, so I’m on a date with a charming fella recently. We’ve met for drinks for a feel-each-other-out session and everything is going well, better than these things usually go. Then towards the end, as we’re paying the check and I’m considering whether I’m going to give this guy my digits, he confesses that he’s a TRUMP VOTER. I mean, WTF. I’m so annoyed. And bewildered that this perfectly engaging and hot man is a MFing Trump voter. He represents something I clearly stand against and he basically lied to me by not being upfront with me. I can’t see him again...right?

On a related note, part of the reason I don’t want to date a Trump voter is because I hate thinking about him or being reminded he exists specifically because I want him to die. Literally. And I hate feeling like that about someone even someone as repugnant as him. I’ve hated people before. I hated Bush. But I never wished he or anyone else in the world would die. I just hate feeling that way about someone because it feels wrong. - Janine, 31, Oceanside, CA

Disclosing you’re a Trump voter when dating is a requirement on par with being up front with having a STD. Choices they made in the past have put people’s health at risk and it is fair for anyone dating them to know. Now, that said, is it fair to strike anyone who voted for Trump off your to-do list? It’s certainly fair to wonder about their judgment and what it says about them. The common assumption is that someone who voted for Trump is stupid. That’s probably reductive, but it’s certainly possible that they suffer from some kind of defect in ethics, morals or possibly common sense. But I’m not a big believer in evaluating people by the worst thing they ever did. Everyone makes mistakes. Just like how someone having an STD doesn’t mean they’re an irresponsible, disease-ridden degenerate, voting for Trump, as inexplicable as it may be, doesn’t guarantee this guy is a soulless misogynist. If everything else about him is agreeable and you want to give him a chance, I suggest asking him why he voted for Trump and whether he regrets his decision. A lot of people in this country made a big mistake last November. They got suckered by a con man. Give him a chance to reconcile with this because we’re all in this together whether we like it or not. If he can’t, or his answers don’t satisfy you, move on.

As for feeling guilt about wishing Trump dead, there’s nothing wrong with that. Your thoughts have no power. It would only be a problem if you felt motivated to act on those feelings. But wishing a repugnant, 70-year-old man who’s ruining the country would cease to exist is not an immoral feeling. I certainly wouldn’t want him to be assassinated. Murder always leaves a psychic stain no matter how much one may rationalize its justification. And lord knows Trump’s already going to leave plenty of psychic stains on this country without dying. But natural causes? Sure. Everyone has to die at some point so why can’t nature intervene and save us from this neverending disaster. Maybe I’m just a vengeful bastard, but I think the sweet relief of death is too generous for Trump. I’d rather he just had a debilitating stroke that left him making this face for the rest of his life.

Dude. This Alien: Covenant trailer is getting me psyched. But Prometheus blew mud. Am I a sucker if I go see this thing opening weekend? - Brad, 45, Tennesse

Back in the cinematic paleolithic age of the ‘70s when the original Alien was released, movies weren’t generally conceived as “franchises.” They weren’t set up from the get-go as trilogies or expanded universes and what have you. The filmmakers maybe left some wiggle room open to make more if it was successful, but they weren’t launching pads for properties that a studio could bilk ad infinitum. Even Star Wars, popularizer of the trilogy form, ended with no cliffhanger or indication there would be more. The “Episode IV” on the iconic opening crawl was added for the film’s re-release prior to The Empire Strikes Back’s release in 1981.

In the ‘80s though, sequels became big business. Movies still weren’t made with plans for future entries mapped out but anything that made a pretty penny would be green lit for another outing no matter how craptastic the plot drummed up to justify its existence. On the other hand, Jim Cameron’s Aliens is one of the greatest sequels of all time. It took one obvious question left over from the original - what laid all those leathery eggs the facehuggers popped out of - and mined it for all the suspense and action it could. It took the Xenomorph and simply multiplied it with a mama alien to battle and bring an end to the alien terror. It was an artistic, critical and commercial triumph that wrapped up the tale of Ellen Ripley and the Xenomorphs in satisfying conclusion. So clearly there had to be more.

The beginning of Alien 3 (yes nerds, I know the 3 is actually cubed but I’m way too lazy to figure out how to do that) set the tone for all the tortured, misbegotten sequels by crashing Ripley on a desolate prison planet and killing off the new characters from Aliens we’d come to love including Newt, the little girl to whom Ripley had become a mother figure. Good times. From then on each installment has been one grotesque mess after another, piling on an increasingly unnecessary mythology with decreasing results. Finally Ridley Scott decided to return to the thing he started with Prometheus, an Alien movie...with no aliens in it. It was a great looking movie that, as you eloquently put it, blew mud. That evaluation could honestly be applied to Ridley Scott’s entire career. Bizarrely, he’s been an A-list director for 40 years while only producing two great movies: Alien and Thelma & Louise. And no, Blade Runner shouldn’t be added to that list. It is the apotheosis Ridley Scott film in the sense that it is an amazing looking narrative clusterfuck and a complete bore. Nix on Gladiator as well. When the most memorable thing about a movie is that time the most detestable character on The Sopranos was obsessed with it, the movie wasn’t that great.

I get the appeal of Alien: Covenant. It’s got a fantastic cast. Who doesn’t want to hear Danny McBride mouth off at a Xenomorph? And yes, it looks fantastic with that iconic and still-terrifying-to-this-day alien drawing you in. Most likely though, it’s a hollow rehash of a tired franchise made by an overrated director. Proceed with caution.

Aural medication for the week: “Pure Comedy”

In need of advice? Send your questions to smartestcstudent@gmail.com