#but both at some point decided to write a fucking book-ish type of work

[cienie-isengardu]

Jaster & Tor

For me, one of the most hilarious and no less furious aspects of Jaster Mereel’s treatment in the sources is how he is hailed as the great figure in Mandalorian history that brought back honor between Mandalorian Mercs and all but like, not getting any real development for over two decades. Sure, he got here and there mini encyclopedia entries and some mention in regard to Jango Fett, but never anything truly expanding his characterization beyond the general image of “good” Mandalorian created by tie-in sources - an image I find a pretty bland one compared to retconned “The Last One Standing: The Tale of Boba Fett” (in which Jaster Mereel originated from) and Jango Fett: Open Seasons comics series.

This is hilarious, because Tor Vizsla got a personal entry in Fact Files - an article biased as hell but still acknowledging both him as character and his impact on Jango & Mandalorians - and a whole section of Bounty Hunter Code for himself and Death Watch. And though I will forever stand with Jango that the Manifesto doesn’t sound much like him (but I like the idea the Manifesto is based on Tor’s notes just edited by someone to be more reader-friendly), there is like 30 pages expanding history and his person while Jaster is once again reduced to small mention here and there. And look, it is hilarious to me that Vizsla and Death Watch is the Mandalorians that Lucas wanted to keep for The Clone Wars, throwing out of window the supposedly great Jaster Mereel and True Mandalorians without any second thought but good damn, it is so frustrating we can’t get any solid material on him even though Bounty Hunter Code was the perfect opportunity to bring him back, as it would make a perfect sense for Jango to keep Jaster’s notes if not the whole Codex.

It is also frustrating because Tor and Jaster are like the two Mandalorians officially writting down important stuff and apparently both were versed in Mandalorian history & lore and I for one would love to compare their notes to get the feeling of middle-ground and see their ideas from the proper perspective not from biased sources that clearly favores Jaster - even if in JF:OS, after making research and interrogating Jango’s allies, Dooku’s only conclusion was that for Mereel Mandalorians were “merely highly-paid soldiers”. Which is hardly the same as bringing work ethic to your group (not that it does cross out the possibility of having actual moral standards, but it does not automatically mean the same). It is frustrating, because we don’t get that often Mandalorians with literary tendencies - hell, we didn’t get any other Mandalorian like that for years because almost everything is about the oral culture which makes Tor Vizsla and Jaster Mereel’s existence even more hilarious, as the two literature nerds that at some point sit down and write their own input - Tor about history and political goals for new members of Death Watch, Jaster about work ethics for True Mandalorians. And it is even more hilarious than that, because Jango Fett presumably read both works and HE DOESN’T READ BOOKS BECAUSE HE THINKS THEY ARE WASTE OF TIME:

Boba's father didn't read much. "Books? A waste of time," he said. "Read maps, Boba. Instructions. Warnings. Important stuff." [Boba Fett Book 1: The Fight to Survive by Terry Bisson]

[emmebearpaw]

This just in. At this rate I doubt I'm ever going to finish my OC smut fic so guess who's just going to post the unfinished thing instead of making it rot in my literal notes app forever. Anyways uh. Is it proof read. No. Did I stop, 1 paragraph into the actual make out scene. Anyways I guess it's context time. Which will be above the cut. Congrats it got too long I put it below cut. Because if you follow me I'm going to make you read about my little fuckers. I have more, I could make you read about all of them. You learn about 2. Fic will contain: vampirism, lead up to public sex (they were going to be fucking in the woods!). And also someone's first time writing smut. Please stick around. Also, the one comment I got on a very early version of some of this is that Atsuko doesn’t sound very interested. They are. I promise they are, they are just also a nerd who was initially hoping to not enter a state of brain shut down due to lack of blood because they wanted to write. This is not safe or sane but it is consensual.

Anyways let's start with the info they both share: They are both nebulous TTRPG OCs now, they have been dragged through about 5 universes (starting with an original universe that was very Shintoism inspired, hence the Japanese names) at this point but now they are in, some sort of DND-ish type fantasy world. No I am not playing them, I am not playing any TTRPGs because I don't have a group (like half my friends are in one but they don't need/want more players) and I have roleplay anxiety. Anyways, moving on to their individual Qualities. Atsuko (They/them): Elven wizard, likely Order of Scribes if talking DnD subclass. Approximate human age would be like, mid to late 20s? Maybe early 30s. Probably like, 5'9. They are really more of a researcher than a combatant but hey, magic is also a large interest of theirs and thus cast fireball. They have been working on creating as comprehensive an encyclopedia on religions as they can. They believe that in order to choose a religion, one should be able to compare the options, know what they believe, structure, holidays, symbols good and bad. They couldn't find one. They are on a fucking odyssey to decide if they are religious or not. Atsuko is interested in finding out if they are because their mother finds significant comfort in faith for dealing with the fucking bloodline curse the rest of the family is afflicted with. "Wait what bloodline curse" Watch me make up lore. Yeah so like, a portal to the feywild can be made anywhere the energy is right. This is usually places like, a forest, a hill, in a circle of mushrooms, etc. Fey also thrive best in these areas, hence why fey are not diffuse, but instead congregated around portals. Nothing stops people from having the correct energy(tm) make up to be a fey portal. However, the creation of a fey portal in a person (which occurs usually before age 1 ish when a person starts to gain a personality), usually results in their soul pulled through it the next time they sleep, which results in a small portion of SIDS cases throughout this magical world. Elves don't sleep. Which mean they often live. However, Elves with Portal-itis (i did not come up with a name) are still, you know, fucking Fey portals, and thus they are just in uh, elevated amounts of Fey danger for their entire lifespan. This usually results in them inevitably getting fucked over by a fey in the normal ways you've probably heard of (loss of their identity/soul, murder, the works). Yeah this is genetic. Congrats Atsuko's mother for being the one person in the family to dodge it. So Atsuko spent most of their childhood basically stuck inside of their mostly fey proofed house with their grandma and uncle. So that sucks. Anyways, Atsuko was bored out of their fucking mind, because like, you run out of books eventually, and managed to make themself a semi decent contract with a fey named Chiyo. In exchange for Atsuko giving Chiyo the life force energy they need to live (and like, regular food and shelter), Chiyo would help plug the portal, basically stake a claim on Atsuko so other fey don't bother. Other great features: been anemic for decades. yada yada eventually Atsuko started wandering. Anyways this was way longer than I intended. Look at Human!Atsuko, thanks picrew.

Chiyo: She/her: Fey, her class is fucking bite you I guess, she's active in combat but is not really a class. Because she's Atsuko's "familiar". Chiyo is uh, nebulous kind of fey. I don't know what she is, I made it up. She has various abilities, she can shapeshift, she needs to eat life force energy found in human bodily fluids, she has doll joints. She can also taste human emotions as flavor. This is her fey brain’s best way to understand emotion. I do have a lot of emotions mapped onto flavors for her (she describes Atsuko as tasting bad. Atsuko there tastes like blueberries and oregano). She usually is in the form of a fox somewhere between a red fox and fennec fox, or a human gijinka to anthro (yeah atsuko is a furry dw) of that form. Atsuko has been passing this fey off as their familiar for, so long, which is why she's usually a fox form. Anyways her backstory is she super got run out of the feywild for unclear reasons and basically had to make a deal or die. The two are now in a normal relationship: married and having sex but neither have the emotional intelligence to realize they are in love. I've never made a good depiction of Chiyo and her design has gotten harder to picrew so please close your eyes and imagine. A golden and white fox, turned into a slightly uncanny humanoid doll. Hollow, you can see strings in the joints. Can reduce the animal features, can not transform into a non-doll humanoid, the doll features will remain. This is my best picrew.

Anyways fic time --------------------------------------------

It was a few hours into night watch when Chiyo decided to begin the pacing. Hopping down from whatever person way blessed with the unlucky gift of the disguised fey deciding to make them their pillow for the night and just. Pacing. It was sort of fun in a way. Sitting by the fire. Watching her squirm. Enjoying a few more minutes of your lucidity before the hunger saw time take your feather right from your hands. If there wasn’t more reason to be thankful you didn’t have to sleep. Though you suppose you wouldn’t be in this mess if you did.

You’d be long dead after all. Taken by something else as its delicious reward.

Your false familiar whines as she licks your wrist. You may have chosen your beast but well. You don’t make a deal with a fey without a few concessions. Your head rushes as always as you quietly pace away from the low fire. Chiyo’s small paws scamper alongside you, racing you out of camp and into the night air.

You were barely 30 feet out of camp before the sounds of snapping were unbearable. You asked for her to transform before she fed off you, of course, but the noise. The noise the noise. If her bones weren’t already morphing you would break her bones for her. Crush them to dust and-

“You probably shouldn’t transform this close to everyone else. It’ll be a pain if they wake up.” Your mouth says without you. You are thinking of blood.

The fox-doll sniggered as her vocal cords reformed, and when the creature was satisfied teased: “What? Worried about your friends getting jealllouss??”

“I’m worried about us both getting blown up by whatever spell they decide to aim at the entity, covered in blood, pinning their acquaintance to a tree.”

“You’re no fun”

“And yet you’re the one who led me out of camp instead of just pouncing.”

“Because I respect your taste” A bone snaps into a new place. The spine was always loud. “Even if I think it would be more exciting if it wasn’t just u-“

“Breach of contract.” You take off your coat. The night air is cold against your exposed neck.

“Yeah okay okayyyyy. I get it. No feeding on anyone else. But what if they just wat-“

“Are you hungry or not?” You press your back against a steady tree and sit, in case you feel unsteady in the minutes to come.

You looked down at what was once your false fox, body shifted and morphed into a bipedal form. Her fangs still as sharp as ever, and ears just as big and yet. Well, there was certainly a reason you advised her to not take humanoid form in town. The holes in her joints were obvious, revealing the long spindly strings that seemed to make up her insides. Allowed her segmented fingers to reach up and brush the hair away from your mouth, lingering just a moment to long as she looked up to you. Face close enough you could smell the sweetness of her breath.

“May I bite you now?” She asked. You knew she had to. You tried to play with it once. See when your loyal companion would pounce without command.

Well trained dogs need a reason to— “bite me”.

The “t” had hardly graced your lips before she latched to your neck like a wolf after its prey.

The first wave of blood to leave your veins always made your head spin the most. It wasn’t as if you ever did anything to dull the pain and Chiyo’s teeth were just as sharp as she always kept them.

Your head was definitely pounding more than normal tonight though. You panted, breathing in the smell of your iron before asking, “Are you charming me again?”

If she had ever bothered to answer that, you had never been conscious enough to hear her response to that question.

The facsimile gasped for air. Its pale velvet face sullied by the dribbling blood as you winced once more. Neck raw and warm and wet and—

She had definitely charmed you. Your heart was pounding as your blood ran thin once again. With a moan— a sigh, with a sigh you close your eyes. This was moving frankly too fast. As much as the thought of her excited you, now wasn’t the time. New thought, new thought… ah yes. You were working on compiling your notes before this. You had managed to sample various common foods eaten during the autumn lunar festival of—

Her hands running along your back snapped you out of a thought on the ceremonial purpose of spiced rice dough. Fangs dislodging for a moment as she looked you in the eyes to state, “Stop thinking about lunar cycles or whatever. You taste like shit.”

“I’m thinking about the symbolism of colors in the dough from the other day actually.”

The doll laughed at you, joints creaking ever so slightly as she separates from you, “Fascinating topic. You can tell me all about it after I’m finished sucking you dry?”

A slight “Mmm…” was your form of a whine as her heat left the crook of your neck, once your brain managed to find words once more you responded: “Don’t eat too much again, please?” A please is polite. A please can help to paper over the shudder in your body as she reaches forward to collect a drop of blood from your neck with those fingers.

“But I’m still hungryyyy” she whined. Eyes seemingly warbling. “You would deny your loyal companion a full meal? Hmm. What would we call that? Ohh, right. A breach, of, con-tract.” Her fingers walked across, dancing around the sensitive spot as you two had done so many times before.

“I wasn’t saying you can’t eat more. I was trying to tell you that you could have a bit more? I’m just—” You shake your head, just skip to the explanation rather than the correction. “I need to be able to stand up without falling this time.”

“Well. I think I’m hungrier than just a little more.” Your face is so warm. “If you want my little ol’ stomach filled without me drinking more… we can always—“ She flicks her tongue. If only if only if only-

“They’d hear us you know.” You two were, what, 60 feet from camp? As much as you felt the air get ever colder against your warmer, warmer, warmer skin… “We can try and find a better spot.” You proposed. Surely there had to be another spot than the one you scouted while gathering firewood, further away, line of sight.

“So the only reason we can’t have fun is your worried about screaming?”

…when she put it like that…

“I— yes? That’s the only concern. Really we can just move and—“ you were scooped up by the arms by your small fox, her shiny porcelain skin scratching against the tree as she dragged you to your feet against it. You looked down to your Chiyo, running your fingers along the fur of her ears to keep your mind off the snap and stretch of the bones you were sat upon.

The fox licked her lips as the leg you sat upon seemed to settle, morphed to allow you to straddle it comfortably and yet… from this distance you could see all the tiny joints that ran through her face, your finger fluttering through her hair as you lean into the moment.

Then you blink. “I thought you wanted to have sex?” You vaguely gesture at, the both of you. You were both as clothed as you normally were (which, admittedly for Chiyo was rather sparse due to the whole shape shifting thing), and, well, “Figured you were going to eat me out.”

She shifted closer, pinning you against the tree as her lips nearly brushed against yours, her sudden motion pressing against

She shifted closer, moving away from your grasp on her with a slight roll of the hip, her knee pressing up into you as you respond with a simple “Ohh-hh”

She snickered at the way your breath hitched with so little, “Awww, we’ve barely even started and you’re already making noise…” she trailed off, pulling at the waist of your trousers with an inquisitive look before asking “I thought you said we couldn’t have sex unless it was quiet. Besides, how am I gonna stop you from waking everyone up if I’m down there?”

You sighed as you rose to your toes to pull your pants off, shuffling them off one leg at a time in the downbeat. Your heart pounding as it tried to get your head the blood enough blood to not tip over as you pulled the second leg off. An arm quickly grabbed at you, as if she was jealous the earth may try to claim your lust before she could if you fell. You fumbled for a moment, words stuck on your tongue, and yet, before you could even form the words she answered, “I can always charm you to keep you upright too, if that’s what that silly lil brain of yours is trying to ask.”

(Eyes sparkle with a “holy shit I love you” sort of energy)

“I thought you already charmed me?”

She laughs at you. “I knew you were into it but, sheesh, you got wet so fast you thought it was magic?” Try to retort, she presses a finger to your lips and asks if you want her to charm you, you say not immediately but yes. “Can I kiss you?” You nod and she once again launches forward and suck suck

————— Chiyo told you once that the taste in her mouth was similar to a “blue berry”. The sweet tinge of her tongue mixing with yours. The sour that mixed in as she nipped on your lip before stopping your squeak with her tongue once more.

[quirklessidiot]

Title: filthy rich [1/3] Pairing: millionare!sakusa kiyoomi x y/n [filthy capitalist au] Genre: romance, major angst ahead ,fluff, yandere!au-ish 

Synopsis: Your luck had just run out when you realized that you flirted with danger. [400 followers special]

Warnings: language and none...yet….[although i will put a trigger warning that is a controlling, abusive, and kind of a yandere relationship] Notes: 

Happy 460 followers i- look, i know i promised a long kita fanfic but i got more inspired to finish this and write this one because djjdjdjd ,,, anyways this was originally a kpop fanfic i wrote years ago and i switched it up to an omi fanfic. I don’t condone this type of relationship, if ya see this shit on your partner, please run (i beg of you)

also eheh the remaining two requests will be posted soon so uwu

next  ||  series masterlist || taglist 

“Hey Y/N.”

You look up from your medical textbook to find your aunt standing there with an expensive freshly pressed suit on her hand wrapped in plastic, you had been living with her along with her two younger kids in Tokyo after your parents decided to become humanitarian doctors. Wanting to explore and get out of your comfort zone, you ended up living in the big city along with your mother’s closest friend.

“Oh, hey obaasan.” you greeted, “What’s up?”

“Ah, you see, Shoyo is out now and no one will be able to deliver the suit to Sakusa-san, would you mind doing me a favor and delivering it for me?”

You shut your textbook and stood up from your chair, “Sure, uh- could I have his address?” you ask as you took the suit in plastic carefully from her hands, not wanting to damage something that cost as expensive as your tuition in med school. After saying goodbye to your aunt and carefully placing the suit at the back of your car, you drove your way to the upstate part of the city.

Your second hand car stood out like a sore thumb in the lane of expensive and flashy cars, you wanted to waltz in and out of here quickly. Following your aunt’s instruction’s, you march up to the front desk to hand the suit over to the receptionist, “I’m here to drop the laundry for Sakusa-sa-”

Before you could even finish your sentence, she snatched it away from your grasp. You narrow your eyes at her rather uncouth attitude, “Oh, cool...thanks…” you murmur, not wanting to cause a scene or pick a fight with the rude woman, you made a b-line towards the exit. Away from the judging and prying eyes of the people who were very much above you in terms of class and wealth.

The moment you step out though, you watch in horror as your car is being towed away, “Hey!” you exclaimed, hurriedly going to the worker who was writing something down on his clipboard, “Hey, wait! Please, excuse me?”

The worker turned to you with a questioning gaze as you immediately started to explain that you were in and out of the place and that you were just delivering some laundry but all you got was a shake in the head and the words, “It’s not up to me, that guy called us in.” He points his ballpen towards the man in a suit and paired with a surgical white mask on the phone, “...The parking here is for residents only and clearly you’re not one of them.” 

Your eyes almost widened at his explanation, just what was wrong with people who lived here?

You fumingly grab the piece of paper he hands to you and stuff it in your pocket as you march up to the stranger on the phone, “Hey, excuse me!” you proclaimed, there were a few on-lookers but you ignored them, you were seeing red with the treatment you’ve been receiving here. The raven-haired stranger ignores you, still on his phone so you call him out again and when you do, the darkest pair of obsidian eyes are on you.

You clenched your fists tightly as the quote ‘eat the rich’ comes into your head.

“There must be some mistake.” You began slowly, trying to put your anger at bay because you didn’t want the whole thing to escalate in public, “I’m in and out here, all i did was deliver and I didn't know-”

“Your ignorance doesn’t excuse you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Ignorance of the law excuses no one.” He simply states, “Also the car was on the way in my space and not even a parking spot.”

You let out a loud, sardonic laugh, “I’d be gone in two minutes if you waited.”

“You would’ve wasted my two minutes.” 

You clenched your fist tightly and as you were about to bite back on his snide remark, the receptionist from before intervenes, “Excuse me, he’s right. You aren’t allowed to park here.” she tries to look professional but you know she’s just siding with this idiot since he had the money.

“Right.” you nod, “You know what, fuck it, this blows. All I did was my job and I have to be shitted on because I don’t have money like Mr.fancy-pants over here.” You bellowed,your glare was intense as you turned around, stomping away before you would do anything you’d regret.

The stranger’s eyes towards you do not waver though, how interesting, he thought.

You never wanted to return to that place again, not only did you lose a lot of money to pay your toll fee for your car but you needed to buy a bunch of new books for the new semester. You groan out loud as you also realize that you needed to do a grocery run since all you had were empty packets of instant Ramen and water in your apartment.

Chunking the cue cards to the side, you made your way to the convenience store, the city was definitely alive tonight and amidst that, you look absolutely dead tired. Your eye bags were getting thicker, a few zits had popped out, and you had grown thin in an unhealthy way because of your food consumption.

Man, being in med school and being dumb wasn’t a very good combination.

Your thoughts are interrupted when your aunt calls you again and says you have to do deliveries tonight, “You remember Sakusa-san?” your aunt says on the other line.

You couldn’t help but grimace at the mention of the man and the memories of where he lived.

Man, did this Sakusa-san needed new neighbors.

“What does he need a suit for in this unholy hour?” You mentally groaned.

“He needs it for laundry, you can have the money when you pick it up.”

Your ears immediately perk up at the mention of cash, you decided to take public transportation since you didn’t want to risk getting your car toll away by that Sakusa guy’s wretched fancy-pants neighbor. Grocery shopping could wait another time, “Stupid rich people.” You muttered under your breath as you pushed open the entrance to find the same man who you despised, sitting there with a laundry basket next to him.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” You mumbled, sucking in a deep breath, you say, “Sakusa-san?”

“So I was right.” he says, pulling down his mask to reveal his sharp features, “You were the one who delivered my suit that day. It’s usually a young boy with a bike.”

Boy, this man was definitely at his prime, he was probably a good few years older than you and you bet he had the ladies swinging left and right with that face. Too bad he had a shitty attitude though.

“Well, that doesn’t give you an excuse to tow my car away.” you deadpan.

“How much do I owe you for the unfortunate accident then?” his tone was rich and low but you detected no remorse in it, it was as if waving huge chunks of money would help tremendously. The asshole couldn’t even properly say sorry to you because of the hard time you had to go through that time.

“None,” you scoffed, “Just hand me your laundry and pay the fee, we’ll call it even.”

The raven-haired man tilts his head and carefully hands you the laundry bag along with a wad of cash, your eyes immediately widen out of character, “Woah, wait-”

“For the troubles.” He simply replies, “Goodnight.”

You later found out that his full name was Sakusa Kiyoomi and not only was he rich, he was filthy rich. The man used to be a big volleyball player back or something when he was in high school and college but instead of becoming a pro player, he had inherited the family business.

“Huh, so he was a capitalist.” You stare at his picture at the morning paper which was coincidentally an article about him. You decided to forget about it, expecting to not see him after that night since Hinata had no classes or practices these upcoming weeks yet weirdly enough, he started to ask for you to pick up his laundry instead.

So you both fell into a strange routine, you’d pick up his laundry and return it the next day. He was also there to pick up his things and you no longer needed to talk to the rude receptionist. You were suspicious of him yet you decided to just overlook it, he gave good tips and he wasn’t as rude as the first time you met him, in fact, he made small conversations now and you sort of got to know the man.

You had a weird dynamic but strangely enough, it worked.

“L/N-san.” 

“Good evening,” You greeted per usual, holding out your hand yet his eyes squinted at the bandage on your hand.

“What happened.” the raven-haired man asked, his gaze zeroing on the wound that you got in one of your classes.

“I’m a med student...I cut myself instead of the cadaver in class.” you shrug nonchalantly as you wiggle your fingers, “It’s alright though, I’m not going to stain your suit that you keep putting back to the laundry for some odd reason.”

“You got hurt.”

“Happens to the best of us.”

Sakusa mutters something incoherent under his breath before saying, “I’ll take you to your car.”

“Woah there-”

The man ignores you as he walks ahead of you, this was certainly getting out of character, even for him who always asked for you, “Open it.” He orders as he points to the car door, you begrudgingly obliged and did as he said. He places the laundry inside and turns to you to give you his usual pay, “Take care of yourself next time, L/N-san.”

The very next day, your aunt hands you an expensive package of ointments on your doorstep. Your brows are furrowed together in confusion as she says that they’re from the millionaire himself. You pointedly look at the package in front of you, completely lost as to why someone like him would send something like this to the person who he wasn’t exactly close with.

“Y/N-saaaaan…” Hinata drowns, you snap your gaze from your notes to the young orange-haired boy, “I’ve got news!”

You had stopped working for your aunt since you found a job at your university’s library, not only were the hours more lax but they even minus some of the tuition as long as you worked there. It was definitely a win-win situation for you.

“What’s up, orange?” You asked.

“Remember Sakusa-san?”

You hum a reply, “What about him?”

“I think he likes you.”

You almost choke on your saliva when you heard that, this little brat, why you ought to-

“He looked really disappointed when I said that you didn’t work for us anymore.” Hinata explains, cutting your thoughts short, 

“Right.” You drawl, shaking your head, “Maybe you were just hard to look at, that’s why.”

“Hey!” He clenched his fists together and pouted at your tone, “I don’t even know why he likes you!”

You feel a vein pop in his forehead as you hear his insult,  you proceeded to chunk a pillow to his direction in which he successfully dodged, “Get your facts straight and I assure you, he doesn’t like me.” you grumbled, returning to your books.

Ultimately, you thought that you’d never see Sakusa Kiyoomi ever again. It was fairly obvious that outside your job, someone of high caliber as him was someone you’d never see again yet you're immediately thrown off guard when you find him standing there around your campus.

Your eyes widen in surprise, well what do you know? it was the devil himself.

“Sakusa-san.”

“L/N-san.”

Man, you may not have seen him for a month or two but despite wearing the mask, you could tell that  e still sported the same blank and basic bitch face behind it. Hinata was wrong in all ways, this guy wouldn’t like you, he’d probably deem you too low class for him, “What a surprise, it’s been a while.” You stiffly bowed down.

“You’re acting weird.” 

You raise your gaze to meet his and you could see the glint of amusement in his eyes.

“You’re most likely a guest in the university.” You mumbled, scratching your head, “People might come at me if I treated you as casually as before.”

Sakusa raises his brow, “That’s funny coming from someone who was this close to punching me during our first meeting.”

“You were being a dick that time.”

“How you have guts to say that to my face amazes me every time.”

“Oh yeah?” You chortled, amused by his statement, “I’m starting to think you’ve taken a liking on me.”

“Was it not obvious when I kept asking for you from Hinata-san?”

You immediately choke on the coffee you were sipping, burning your tongue in the process, “Okay what the hell, sakusa-san-” you said in between coughs.

Your freeze up when you look at him dead in the eye, his eyes crinkling, was he smiling behind the mask? No way, the Sakusa Kiyoomi was smiling at you? He pulls down his mask and bends down, making you retract your steps and your cheeks flush to a brightly red color, “You’re turning red.” he points out loud and that makes you turn even redder.

“You’re acting weird.”

“You were getting dense.” 

“How was I supposed to know...to know that…” You try to stutter out, completely embarrassed.

“To know what?” 

“You know what.” You grumbled, standing up a bit straighter and ignoring his teasing tone, “I’m not interested in you.”

“Your red cheeks say otherwise.”

“It’s the cold weather.” You harshly replied, looking away again, trying to avoid his gaze, “I’m not interested in a boyfriend, a flirting partner, or whatever that is. So good day!” 

You immediately stomp away, leaving Sakusa Kiyoomi with an amused smirk. How entertaining and adorable, you looked like a bunny. His cute bunny.

A few days had passed from that little interaction and you wanted to hurl yourself out the window whenever you thought about it. Sakusa Kiyoomi? The filthy rich capitalist Sakusa Kiyoomi? Interested in you? What kind of k-drama was this?

You tried to avoid going out much in the campus, Apparently he was around after he donated half a million to the medicine department.

You immediately groaned out loud at the thought, there was in no way that all this was possible!

“L/N-san.”

You immediately jump on the spot and drop your keys, “Holy fucking-” You pause, biting back your tongue, there he stood sporting a casual attire instead of a business suit and his usual face mask,  “Sakusa-san?”

“Kiyoomi.” He smoothly corrects.

“Nice. Very nice.” You dryly replied, “Heard you donated half a million and some new equipment to our department. Sweet.”

“You don’t look that happy.”

“I mean you basically confessed that you were interested then decided to donate to my department only.” You narrow your eyes suspiciously, “You remind me of a sugar daddy.”

“Well,” He shrugged, “You didn’t exactly deny that you wanted one.”

Your brain immediately short-circuits as you try to stutter out a reply, Sakusa looked like he’d been having a field day. Gone was the fiery girl he met a few months ago, he really knew what to say to reduce you to a stuttering mess.

“I’m kidding, L/N-san.” he deadpanned when he realized that you weren’t giving him a straight answer since your mind was jumbled up, “It was purely coincidental, we’ve been eyeing certain medicine departments and yours was performing top-notch. It doesn’t mean that I’m any less interested in taking you out.”

“You do know I’m poor right…” You sweatdrop, “I could easily take advantage of you-”

“One date, L/N-san…” he says, ignoring your very weak argument, “Just one then I’ll let you go.”

You don’t know why but you ended up saying yes that day.

You didn’t know what to expect on your first date and you had your fingers cross the whole time that he wouldn’t take you to an expensive michelin star restaurant since you didn’t have the clothes for the place.

Thankfully, the date was more casual than you expected, it was in his home and he had  cooked the meal himself.

“You’re looking oddly relieved.”

“I can’t function well in expensive restaurants.” You sweatdrop, covering your awkwardness with a laugh. You’ve never gone on dates before, the idea of being intimate with someone had made you feel awkward and bothered. 

“I’m not a big fan of public areas so I assure you we're not going on those anytime soon.” 

“Well aren’t you getting confident.” You raise a brow, teasing him a bit as you start to pick on the beef with your chopsticks.

“Call it a gut feeling, L/N-san.”

“Y/N.”

“What?”

“You asked me to call you Kiyoomi and well,” you turn red once again, “Well it would be awkward if you were all formal with me.”

You saw the small twinkle in his eyes, “Y/N.” your name rolls out of his tongue smoothly and you feel your heart hammering on your chest, “I like that, Y/N…” 

It was in that little moment that you realized that you liked it when he called your name.

The dinner went by without a hitch, Sakusa Kiyoomi was not the same arrogant man that the media portrayed him to be. He was quiet, understanding, and soft. Completely the opposite of the first day you met him. He urged you to talk more about yourself, saying how boring and open his life was since the media tailed him a lot.

“Why Tokyo?” 

“Why not?” You shrug, swishing the wine before taking a small sip, “It’s a great place, it’s new, and I had someone I knew here. My mom and Obaasan were good friends so I was allowed to move here on my own.”

“Are you coming back to your country if you’re done with your studies?”

You were silent for a moment, “I don’t think so. I wanna be like my parents.”

“A humanitarian doctor, huh?”

“Yeah.” You smile, “A humanitarian doctor. How about you? What’s your story?”

“Nothing interesting.” He glazed, “I’m an open book, Y/N.”

“Open book?” You tilt your head to the side, “You’re usually painted as an asshole by the media…”

“But you don’t believe it.”

“You kinda were when we first met.”

For the first time, you hear his soft chuckle and your heart starts beating fast. You liked that sound, you wanted to hear something like that again, “You always know how to amuse me, Y/N.” he shakes his head, “And for the record, just because I’m not comfortable with touches, public places and whatnot does not make me an asshole...I just am a very private person with interests…”

“What’s your interest now?”

“You.” He replied nonchalantly, making you look away..

“Stop.”

“What?”

“Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Flirting with me with a straight face like you mean it!” You choke out, turning red.

“Because I do mean it, Y/N.” He shrugs. “I am interested in you.”

It seemed like that little date you had turned out more successful than you thought, one date led to another and another. This went on for a few months until he asked you to be his partner one night at a very random place, you usually pictured Sakusa Kiyoomi to be the smooth type     you were, after all, always the stuttering mess between you two     but when he asks you to be his officially, outside the public restroom of all places with his ear tips turning red, your reduced to a heaping pile of giggles.

With men like him, you didn’t exactly expect anything more than the dates.

You should’ve known better that he was too good to be true.

general taglist for the next part is open aye

[asleepinawell]

Book Recs

I was gonna do one of these at the end of the year, but I’ve somehow managed to read 26 books this year already (12 novellas, 14 novels), almost all featuring queer authors and/or characters so this is already a long list.

Note: There’s a few on here I was kind of meh about, but in most of those cases it was a ‘book might be good but it’s not for me so i’ll mention it to put it on people’s radar anyway’ type of thing. Insert the usual necessary tumblr disclaimer about all of this being only my opinion and your opinions are valid too etc etc.

In order of when I read them:

Princess Floralinda and the Forty-Flight Tower by Tamsyn Muir - Fantasy novella from the author of gideon the ninth that’s a twist on the classic princess trapped in a tower waiting for a prince story. Quite fun. (novella)

The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht - Dark fantasy about revenge and magic. m/m couple but like I said it’s pretty dark and twisted all around so definitely not a happy queer romantic story. My opinion was interesting premise that could have been executed better and probably should have been a full novel to embellish on the world building potential. (novella)

A Memory Called Empire & A Desolation Called Peace - Arkady Martine - Probably tied with murderbot as the best things I read this year. Scifi, f/f couple, wonderfully done exploration of what it means to fall in love with a culture that is destroying your own. More of the many queer anti-imperialist books that have come out recently and certainly some of the best. The second one is a direct continuation of the first. (2 novels)

The Tyrant Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson - This is the third in the Baru Cormorant series (The Masquerade) and was my favorite so far. The second and third book were originally one book that got split I believe and the second book didn’t stand alone as well (though was still great), but the third book really made up for that. Dark fantasy world starring a queer woc whose country and culture is destroyed by the imperial forces of that world colonizing and assimilating them. She vows revenge and decides to work her way up within her enemy’s ranks to enact it from within and bring an empire to ruins. Really really fascinating study of so many different aspects of our own world and the systems which enable and allow bigotry and how bigoted and violent narratives are used to control minorities. This is definitely a darker series and I was particularly impressed with some of the commentary on the racism prevalent in non-intersectional feminism as depicted through a fantasy world. Can’t wait for the last one to come out! (3 novels, 1 forthcoming)

The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells - There’s six of them--5 novella and a novel--and the first is All Systems Red. Told from the point of view of a self-aware droid/android that is rented out by a corporation to provide protection in a dystopian capitalist hellhole future that isn’t that unlike our current capitalist dystopia but is in space. Muderbot hacked the chip that controlled it and instead of going rogue just wants to be left alone to watch its favorite tv shows. Murderbot is painfully relatable and the books are both funny and poignant. Highly recommended. (5 novellas and a novel).

Winter’s Orbit - Everina Maxwell - This was a m/m romance novel with a scifi backdrop of royal intrigue. Generally I’m more into scifi with a queer relationship in the background than vice versa, so it wasn’t my favorite, BUT I think it was still well written and someone looking for more of the romance angle would enjoy it. Has all your favorite romance tropes in it, especially the yearning. (novel)

The Divine Cities - Robert Jackson Bennett - Three book series. I’m very conflicted about this one. Set in a fantasy world where an enslaved nation overthrew the country enslaving them and now rules over them. It’s a story of what happens after the triumphant victory and within that it’s also a murder mystery tied into the dying magic of the conquered nation. It also has a six foot something naked oily viking man fist fight a cthulhu in a frozen river. The second book was by far my favorite, mostly due to the main character being brilliant. My conflict comes from the fact I don’t feel like the story treated its women and queer characters well. Like it had really great characters but it didn’t do great by them overall. That and the third book didn’t live up to the first two. But still definitely worth a read, can’t stress enough how cool some of the world building was. (3 novels)

Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant - This might be the only one on here I disliked. It’s got a doomed boat voyage and creepy underwater terror and monsters and a super diverse cast of characters, but I just didn’t enjoy the writing style. While having a diverse cast is great, there were a lot of moments where it felt like characters were pausing to explain things about themselves that felt like a tumblr post rather than a normal conversation you might have while actively being hunted by monsters. I also bounced off all the characters. But a lot of people seem to have liked it so if you’re into horror and want a book with a f/f main couple then maybe you’ll enjoy it. (novel)

Dead Djinn Universe - P. Djèlí Clark - Around the early 1900′s, a man in Egypt discovers a way to access another world and bring Djinn and mysterious clockwork beings called Angels through. As a result, Egypt tells the British to get fucked and Cairo becomes one of the most powerful cities in the world. So Egypt, magic, djinn, a steampunk-ish vibe, oh and the main character is a butch queer woman who enjoys wearing dapper suits and looking fabulous while she investigates supernatural events. Her girlfriend is also mysterious and badass. And she has a cat. There’s three novella (one of which technically might be considered a short story) and then the first novel. You should absolutely read the novellas first (A Dead Djinn in Cairo, The Angel of Khan el-Khalili, The Haunting of Tram Car 015). Super fun and imaginative series. (3 novellas and a novel, more forthcoming)

River of Teeth & Taste of Marrow - Sarah Gailey - From the book description

“In the early 20th Century, the United States government concocted a plan to import hippopotamuses into the marshlands of Louisiana to be bred and slaughtered as an alternative meat source. This is true. Other true things about hippos: they are savage, they are fast, and their jaws can snap a man in two. This was a terrible plan.”

Queer hippo riders!!!! Very much a western but with hippos. Main couple included a non-binary character. Loved the first one. The second one I was more meh about due to one of the characters I was supposed to like having obnoxious man pain that a woman had to take the brunt of the whole time. Also there were less hippos. But queer hippo riders! Definitely read the first one, and they’re both novellas so no reason not to read the second as well. (2 novellas)

A Psalm for the Wild-Built - Becky Chambers - I may be the only person who hasn’t read the long way to a small angry planet at this point, but I did grab her new novella and I loved it. It made me want to go sit out in the woods and feel peaceful. The world it’s set in feels like a peaceful post-apocalypse...or diverted apocalypse maybe. Humans built robots and robots gained sentience, but instead of rebelling they just up and left and went into the wilderness with a promise that the humans wouldn’t follow them.The remaining human society reshaped itself into something new and peaceful. It’s the story of a monk who leaves their habitual monking duties to go be a tea monk and then later wanders into the wilderness and becomes the first human in ages to meet a robot. Very sad there’s no fan art yet. (novella, more forthcoming)

The March North - Graydon Saunders - This was such a weird book that I’m not sure how to explain it. The prose style is hard to get used to and I suspect a lot of people will bounce off it in the first chapter. There’s no third person pronouns used at all and important events get mentioned once in passing and if you blink you’ll miss them. Set on a world where magic is extremely common to the point that rivers sometimes run with blood or fire and the local weeds are something out of a horror movie and most of the world is run by powerful sorcerer dictators, one country banded together (with the help of a few powerful sorcerers who were tired of all the bullshit) to form a free country where powerful sorcerers wouldn’t rule and the small magics of every day folks could be combined to work together. The story revolves around a Captain of the military force on the border who one day has three very powerful sorcerers sent to them by the main government with the hint that just maybe there’s about to be a big invasion (there is) with the implication of take these guys and go deal with this. The world building is extremely complex and very cool...when you can actually understand what the fuck is going on. There is also a murder sheep named Eustace who breathes fire and eats just about everything and is a Very Good Boy and belongs to the most terrifying sorcerer in the world who appears as a little old grandma with knitting. It had one of the most epic badass and wonderfully grotesque battles I’ve ever read. But yeah, it is not what I would call easy reading. Opinions may vary wildly. I did also read the second one (A Succession of Bad Days) in the series which was easier to follow and had a lot more details about the world, but overall I was more meh about it despite some cool aspects. The chapters and chapters of the extreme details of building a house that made up half the novel just weren’t my thing. (novels).

The Space Between Worlds - Micaiah Johnson - In this world parallels universes exist and we’ve discovered how to travel between them, but the catch is you can only go to worlds where the ‘you’ there is already dead. This turns into an uncomfortable look at who would be the people most likely to have died on many worlds and how things like class and race would fit into that and what we would actually use this ability for (if you guessed stealing resources and the stock market you’d be correct). The main character is a queer woc who travels between worlds with the assistance of her handler (another queer woc) who she has the hots for. She accidentally stumbles on a whole lot of mess and conspiracy and gets swept up in that. Really enjoyed it. (novel)

Witchmark - C.L. Polk - Fantasy world reminiscent of Victorian England (I think?) where a young man with magical gifts runs away from his powerful family to avoid being exploited by them. He joins the army and fights in a war and comes home to try and live a quiet life as a doctor, but a murder pulls him into a larger mystery that upturns his life. Also he’s extremely gay and there’s a prevalent m/m romance. This one was a fun-but-not-mind-blowing one for me. (novel, 2 more in the series I haven’t read)

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon - This was one of those that everyone loved but I couldn’t get into for some reason. I tried twice and only got about halfway through the second time. It’s got dragons and queer ladies and fantasy world and all the things I like, but I wasn’t that invested in the main story (which included the f/f couple) and was more interested in the smaller story about a woman trying to become a dragon rider. There are few things that beat out a lady and her dragon friend story for me and that was the storyline that felt neglected and took a different turn right when we got to the part I’d been waiting for. But, I know a lot of people whose reading opinions I respect who loved it, and if you like epic fantasy with dragons and queens and treachery and pirates and queer characters then I’d say you should definitely give it a try. (novel)

Bonus: I didn’t read these series this year, but if you haven’t read them yet, you should.

Imperial Radch (Ancillary Justice) - Ann Leckie - Spaceship AI stuck in a human body out for revenge for their former captain, but that summary does not come close to doing it justice. Another one examining imperialism and also gender and race.(3 novels)

Kushiel's Legacy Series - Jacqueline Carey - This is two series, six books total, and starts with Kushiel's Dart. Alternate universe Renaissance-y Europe in a fantastical world where sex isn't shameful and sex workers are respected and prized. Lots of political intrigue and mystery. A lot of BDSM and kinky stuff too (the main character is a sexual masochist, oh and also bi!). I first read this series when I was fifteen or sixteen and it definitely made a big impression on me. Same author also wrote the Santa Olivia series which I’d also recommend. (6 novels)

The Locked Tomb (Gideon the Ninth) - Tamsyn Muir - I mean, if you follow me, you know. If you don’t follow me you still probably know. I’d have felt remiss to have left them off though. Lesbian Necormancers in Space. Memes! Skeletons! Biceps! Go read them. (2 novels, 2 forthcoming, 1 short story)

Books On My To Read List:

Fireheart Tiger - Aliette de Bodard

The Order of the Pure Moon Reflected in Water - Zen Cho

Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse

This Is How You Lose the TIme War - Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Ninefox Gambit - Yoon Ha Lee

Also, if anyone has any recs for scifi/fantasy books starring queer men (not necessarily having to do with a queer relationship) and written by queer men I’d love them. There’s a lot written by women, and some of them are great, but I’d love to read a story about queer men from their own perspective.

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

              BOUND SERIES: PART 1 (THE NEGOTIATION)

Prompt: Y/N decides to look for a Dom to have her first real Submissive experience. She just didn’t expect him to be so breath taking (Yes, it’s a shitty description, but I don’t wanna ruin it! Hahahah)

Word Count: Long-ish

Pairing: Drew McIntyre x Reader

Warnings: + 18, BDSM, cursing(me and my sailor’s mouth) and adult subjects (For now)

Notes: I’ll probably make a little series out of this, so here’s how it all started... Y’all know the drill loves,sorry for misspellings,english isn’t my first language (bla bla bla),check out my other stories if you’d like to(it would make your girl here very happy 😊) and if you’re comfortable with it,please let me know what you think? Some feedback is always welcomed and appreciated ❤️You can check out my other stories typing ‘masochist writes’ on the search bar on my page and my newest story as a fixed post.Okay,now let’s get to the fun part,shall we? Hope you’ll enjoy 😉

Tagging: @blondekel77, @drew-is-boo, @akiko-tanaka, @drewmcintyrekoccsrocbwdgfan, @new-zealand-chic (maybe? sorry babe)

I was sitting in one of the outside tables at a small coffee shop, paitiently waiting for him to show up. He wasn´t late or anything like that, I was the one that arrived earlier, from what I’ve heard he was extremely on point. That's why I wasn't surprised when he turned around the corner at 2:00 p.m. sharp. The friend who've had indicated him to me, did mentioned his incredible size and beauty, but man I still got caught off guard by it.

He's a fucking walking dream. Bulky type, extremely tall, piercing blue grayish eyes, shoulder lenght black hair that was tighly secured in a low ponytail, dark beard, incredibly defined arms and thick strong thighs. He was dressed approprietely, not too fancy but not too sloppy either, simple rolled up sleeves plain black dress shirt, perfectly fitting jeans and some casual discreet boots. He was breath taking! And I wasn't the only one who've noticed his incredible dominieering energy that seems to exudes from his body naturally.

His eyes scanned through the tables 'til his gaze found mine, he confidently approached were I was sitting.

"Y/N I presume?" He has a slight accent, but I can't pick up from where...

It took me a second to recover "Yes, that's me" I give him a shy smile

He smiles widely back at me, letting a beautiful pair of dimples on display "I'm Drew"

"Y/N" I shook the hand he offered me, frowning soon afterwards "But you already know that" I whisper

He chuckled lightly "Can I get you anything from inside?" He points towards the coffee shop

"No, I'm good! But thank you" I raise my latte cup

"Ok then, I'll be right back" He says as he entered to grab himself a drink

My nerves was stariting to get the best out of me, I was sweating profusely, I felt like my hair was a mess, my makeup too minimal, my clothes too simple, I hadn't sprayed enough perfume, was there something on my teeth? Do I smell bad? What if he thinks I'm ugly? Or too fat? Should I try to suck my belly in? Is that gonna work? I could already feel all of those old ghosts from the past calling for me.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He says already sitting in front of me

I startled a little "Oh sorry, I didn't notice you came back"

"Yeah... Is there something bothering ya?" He carefully searchs my face for something...but I'm not sure what...

"Just you know, deep in thoughts" I try to shake it off

"Right.. Are these thoughts any related as to how much you're feeling insecure with your own image because of me?" He asks

*Damn! Why is he so good at this?* I thought

I debated whether or not I should lie to him, but I figured he would find out if I did eventually so I didn't bother

"Kind of, yeah.." I vaguely say

"Why Y/N?"

"Because I mean, look at you! Who wouldn't feel insecure around you? You're a very good looking man and well.."

"And you're a very good looking woman, so what's the matter? There's something else" He starts to search for something again and I can feel his getting close to find it..

I feel like I'm going through a polygraph test and he won't stop until he finds the truth "Daddy issues" I bitterly laugh "For real and not just you know, as a joke" I whisper as I prepare myself for him to walk off at any minute.

After 5 long minutes of silence I raise my head to find him still just sitting there, looking at me.

"Are you not gonna like..leave?" I ask softly

"Why would I?" He asks in a soothing voice

"Because, I'm fucked up?"

"And who isn't?" He lightly chuckles

"I- I'm confused" I whisper

"Look Y/N, I'm a man, a real man not an immature little boy. I'm not going to walk off because a beautiful adult woman has some self esteem issues due some fucked up things an immature little boy self proclaimed man did to her" He didn't even blinked "I'm not here to make you feel bad about yourself, I'm here so you can see your true self darling, not a twisted blurred vision from somebody else" He squeezed my hand

"Would you like to do this another time?" He asks

"No, please I- I would like to do this now if that's ok" It was weird how comfortable he made me feel

"Of course darling, whatever you'd like" He softly brush his fingers on my cheek "Thank you Y/N, for being honest, trusting me and being so up front about something so personal and hurtful" He hold my hand on his own and press a light kiss on my knuckles

He left me so speechless I could only nod in response.

"Where do you want to begin then, love?" He asks

"I've never officially done this before so, I don't kno- Where are you from? I can hear a very light accent, but is so faint I can't pick up where it's from" The curiosity took the best out of me.

He laughs before saying "Scotland, love"

"Oh, cool" Was all I could say

We've talked about everything, cultural differences, work, hobbies, movies, tv series, books, travels, food...it was pretty clear that we matched, which I was glad. My heart skipped in my chest once I heard his next question

"Well, I think we both can agree that there's some chemistry between us, love. So I would love to do a test scene with you so we can see if this chemistry goes beyond the talking. Would you be interest in that?"

"Yeah, of course. I would love that" I smile softly

"Good. Let's negotiate a scene then shall we?" He says mirroring my smile

He unlocks his cellphone and begin to type something on it.

"Alright, let's start with a simple one. Are you into pain?"

"Yes"

"To what level? Light, moderate or hard?"

"Moderate"

"Soft limits?"

"Um... age play, floggers, nipple clamps, temperature play, pet play, orientation play, exhibitionism..I guess that's it"

"Hard limits?"

"Scat play, minors/ children, chemical play, race play, needle play, serious bodily injury, animals and fisting"

"Do you have any medical issues Y/N?"

"No"

"Do you take any type of prescripted medication?"

"Yeah, contraceptive pills"

"Do you have any addictions? Legal or illegal substances"

"I smoke cigarrettes, sporadically"

"What word would you like do use as our safewords?"

"I would like to keep the three basic colors please"

"Ok, and safe signs? For when your mouth is restained"

"I don't know.."

"What do you think about 1,2,3? 1 for green, 2 for yellow and 3 for red?" He asks

"That sounds good"

"What would you like as aftercare?"

"Um..maybe some cuddling? And some candy" I blush and he sweetly smiles

"Are you ok with the following: General bondage, spanking, sex toys, degradation, praise, breath play, trichophilia, edge play, fear play?"

"Yes, I'm ok with all"

"Would you like to have intercourse?"

I froze at that question

"Y/N, I asked if you would be interested in having intercourse?" He says softly

"I didn't knew that was an option" I whispered

"Generally it isn’t, but like I said, you're a very beautiful woman and I would be lying if I said I don't feel attracted to you" His eyes were glued to mine “But that’s up to you, love”

“Yes I would be interested in it” I murmured

He smiles fondly “Is there anything else, besides fisting, you don’t look forward to do during intercourse?”

“Not really..I just have a problem with anal”

“You don’t like it?” He asks

“I don’t mind it actually, is just that, past experiences were not really that pleasant”

“I see..well anal sex can be extremely pleasurable to the woman, but that will depends on who’s performing it. We have to prep you properly before hand, have the right amount of lubrication and patience, love. But we’ll get to that when it’s time, don’t worry. I’ll never do something that we have not fully agreed on with before hand”

I nod.

“Okay, double penetration, how do you feel about it?”

“I’ve never done it, but I would like to try it”

He smirks at me “Alright, love. So, as our test scene I was thinking about setting a time limit, like 30 to 40 minutes to keep the scene short, just to feel our chemistry together”

“I’m good with that” I respond

“What would you look forward to do on that scene?”

“Um...some bondage..degradation maybe? And maybe intercourse too?” I blush

“That sounds like a plan, love” He winks “When would you like to do it?”

“Can we do it now?” I eagerly ask

“I like the way you think Y/N” He smirks as he got up from the chair “C’mon love” He offers me his hand “Let’s tie you up”

I took his hand as we walk down the sideblock. Oh God, what the hell was I doing?...

                                To Be Continued....

Thoughts on this series 👉👈?

[illfoandillfie]

Pls just more Ben smut, any idea that comes to mind for the blurbs thingy, all your work are some of my favs and there can never be enough Benny 😫🥵😍

ahhhh thank you! And you’re so right, there can never be enough Benny.

This idea has been in my head for the last week-ish, so i decided to use it and ended up writing like 2.7k for it lmao i hope you like it!

warnings: Smut, dollification, dom!ben, oral (m receiving), and a little bit of biting

Advent Blurbs: Day 12

“Urgh, what else is on?” Ben asked, juggling his dinner plate as he reached for the TV remote. He flicked through some channels but it all looked as boring as the rest. Finally, he settled on the second half of an episode of Britain’s Got Talent. It wasn’t what you usually watched but Ben had already said he didn’t want to get invested in anything on Netflix because he had some work to do after dinner and didn’t want to be distracted from it. It was partway through an act when you switched it on, some sort of acrobatics thing, mildly impressive but not so much that you couldn’t talk through it between bites of your food. The next act was a very pitchy singer and the one after the ad break was some sort of magic act, but you barely noticed them. Ben certainly didn’t have any issues with ignoring the show in favour of your conversation either. Until a woman stepped out on stage dressed up in a puffy skirt with a wind up gear on her back. She danced, her movements intentionally stiff as if she were a music box doll that had escaped. Ben was entranced, his fork hovering above his plate as if he’d forgotten he was about to take a bite. His eyes never left the screen for the entirety of the performance. You were more amused by Ben’s reaction than the performance itself but as the dancing came to an end and Ben returned to his senses you agreed with his appraisal of her.

“She was good,” he said, adjusting his plate over his lap.

Ben ate a few more bites before taking his dishes to the kitchen. He dropped a kiss to the top of your head as he passed back through the living room.

“I’ll be in the study if you need me.”

You nodded and reached for the remote to find something better to watch.

 You didn’t see Ben again until you were heading to bed though at one point you got up to use the bathroom and heard a muffled groan from behind the closed door to the study. You figured he was grappling with a particularly difficult script or something like that and left him to it. As you were settling into bed with a book, Ben entered the room. He joined you on the bed but plucked the book from your hands as he kissed you. 

You broke off with a breathless sort of laugh, “what was that for?”

“Can I not just kiss my girlfriend for the hell of it?”

“I s’pose that’s allowed,” you giggled as Ben caught your lips again. But Ben was clearly in the mood for more than a kiss, nipping at your neck as he settled on top of you. And it didn’t take him long at all to get your pants off.

Both of you slept well that night and you thought nothing of it until a couple of days later.

 You were watching TV again while Ben was out with some friends but looked around at the sound of the door opening.

“How was it?” you asked as Ben dropped onto the couch beside you.

“Yeah great. Had a few games of poker which was fun.”

“You win any?”

“Not one,” he laughed, “But I di-” Ben paused, his attention drawn to the TV as an ad for Britain’s Got Talent started. It featured clips from the doll dancer’s performance and once again Ben seemed to be completely entranced by it for the duration of the ad. They showed her doing a move that involved lifting her leg up high and Ben let out a soft groan. You waited for the ad to finish and Ben’s attention to shift back to you. 

“What was I saying?” he asked, giving his head a little shake.

“Do you think she’s hot?”

“What?”

“The girl dressed as a doll.” You clarified.

“Babe, no,”

“No, I’m not upset. You’re allowed to find other women attractive. I’m just curious cause every time she’s on screen you sort of get lost in it.”

“No, it’s not her, not exactly,”

“What does that mean?”

Ben filled his cheeks with air and slowly let it out, “It’s the way she’s dressed.”

You waited for him to explain further. 

“You know Jessie in Toy Story 2? I had a pretty big crush on her as a kid and then as a teenager it kind of sparked a few, um, well… I got off to her a lot.”

You had to giggle at that and Ben laughed softly too, his cheeks flushed. 

“Yeah, kinda silly but it started cause she was a cute cowgirl and I was horny all the time and so it was just like the natural thing to do.  But then, as I learnt more about sex, I started thinking about fucking her too. And it all kind of snowballed.”

“So that’s why you think the doll dancer is hot? Cause of Toy Story?”

“Kind of. There’s a bit more to it. See, um, one of my mates from high school had a hot older sister. Red hair she used to wear in a plait. Might have had the hots for her cause she reminded me of Jessie. So then I started getting off to the thought of fucking her. Except there was all this doll stuff mixed up in there too.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Like the idea of posable limbs and, um… Cause with Jessie, right, she’s a soft ragdoll type of doll, yeah? So a lot of what I’d imagined with her was like a human sized version of her that would lie there like a limp ragdoll while I fucked her. And that was sort of where it started with the idea of the hot sister but then I hit phases where I thought about other sorts of dolls more. As a joke one Christmas my brother got me a off brand Barbie so after that in the fantasies she’d be like a posable plastic doll who I could position how I wanted. Sometimes it was like a wind up doll who had limited movement when I wound her up. Sometimes she’d have a voicebox and I’d press a button or pull a string and she’d say something dirty, ask for it harder or moan or whatever.” Ben looked at you nervously, “I know it’s weird. But…yeah.”

“It’s not that weird,” you said, grabbing his hand between both of yours, “I think I kind of get why it’d be hot. Would, um, would you ever want to do that with me?”

“Babe, you don’t have to do that. I only mentioned it because you asked, I wasn’t trying to get you into it or anything.”

“No, I know. But would you? If I wanted to would you be into that?”

“Well, yeah, I would be into it. I mean, not gonna lie I have kind of thought about it before.”

“Really? Dressing me up and posing me?”

“Yeah,”

“That’s kinda hot,” you giggled again and Ben seemed to relax.

“I’m glad you don’t think it’s too weird, but I’m serious, you don’t have to indulge this idea at all.”

“Okay. Thank you for telling me though.” You pulled him down into a soft kiss that you hoped would reassure him that you weren’t freaked out by his confession, but already your mind was spinning with ideas.

 The next day you dug through your wardrobe and found your most suitably doll like dress. It wasn’t as ruffled as the dancer’s skirt had been but it was short and felt like something a slutty doll might wear. You decided to forgo underwear since most dolls didn’t have them and slipped the dress over your head. Following a youtube tutorial, you did your make up so your eyes would look bigger and doll like and used a soft pink lipstick to shape your lips before adding a little blush to your cheeks. You gave your hair a brush through to make sure it was smooth and then took a seat on the edge of the bed, holding yourself stiff with your hands in your lap, and called out to Ben.

You heard his footsteps approaching and then the bedroom door swung open.

“Oh my god,”

You had to bite your cheek to keep from smiling too much.

Ben took a few tentative steps towards you and then stopped, taking in the sight, “I can’t believe you did this,” he said softly, “fuck I’m lucky.” He stepped closer, running his fingers though the hair around your ear. You shivered slightly as his fingers traced along your jaw, coming to rest at your chin. He tilted your head up and leaned down to kiss you softly.

It was hard to sit still as Ben ran his hands down your shoulders and towards your breasts. He spent a while just fondling you, squeezing your breasts and tweaking your nipples. You could feel your nipples stiffening and fought the urge to arch your back and push your chest against his hands, though you couldn’t quite hide the soft whine the rose up at the attention. Ben didn’t mind though. You saw him smile at the sound, and the tent in the front of his pants was evidence enough that he liked your surprise.

“What should I do with you?” he muttered to himself as he began to undress down to his boxers. He stepped in close again once the extra layers had been removed and placed a hand on the back of your head, pushing you towards his crotch. A damp patch had already begun to form on the front of his pants and it only grew as he rubbed his clothed cock against your face. You focused on breathing to keep from moving though all you could smell was his musky arousal. When he finally sat you back you unconsciously licked your lips, able to taste his precum on them.

“Let’s stand you up Doll,” he said, pulling you to your feet and repositioning your legs so they were parted a little wider. He moved your arms too, still bent at the elbow but raised higher so he could freely lift your dress. The sight of your bare pussy pulled a growl from Ben and he wasted no more time, licking his fingers and rubbing them along your slit. You were already a little wet (it surprised you just how much of a turn on the whole thing was) but the way he roughly grabbed your arse in one hand as his other explored your cunt soon had you even wetter. He pressed the heel of his hand against your clit as he teased your entrance with his fingertips, sinking them in and pulling them out again.

“That’s a good fuck doll,” he said as he pressed his fingers deeper and you bit back a moan. When he was satisfied that you were ready he pulled his hands away. Turning you around he repositioned your limbs again, unfolding your arms so they stuck out in front of you. He pressed on your back, bending you forward at the waist so your arms were braced against the mattress and readjusted your legs. You waited, trying to keep steady and not whine as you listened to his underwear drop. And then he was right behind you, one hand on your hip as he slid into your cunt. You hadn’t realised just how into it Ben would be but the whole doll scenario had turned him feral. He didn’t give you much time to adjust, just started fucking you hard as growling noises rose in his throat. One of his hands moved to your hair, holding it in a vice like grip as he leaned forward and bit down on your shoulder. You gasped at the sudden spike of pain but it was gone half a second later, the imprint of his teeth left as evidence. Your legs shook with the effort of holding your position and the force of Ben’s thrusts. Suddenly you felt empty as he disappeared from your cunt. He wrapped his arms around your waist and nearly threw you onto the bed, making you squeal in surprise. He pushed you onto your back and repositioned you so that one leg was strait up in the air, the other bent towards you and both of your hands placed on it to hold it. He leaned against the edge of the bed, placing one knee onto the mattress so he could sink into you again, letting you rest the leg that was in the air against his shoulder. He didn’t reach quite as deep as he had when you’d been standing but the position let him watch your face. You kept it as impassive as possible though you couldn’t keep from opening your mouth and moaning as he dropped his thumb to your clit. He leaned forward, pressing your legs closer to your body as he fucked you.

“Cum for me Doll,” he commanded, pressing harder against your clit, “cum all over my cock.”

It didn’t take much longer for you to reach your release, moaning as Ben kept fucking you. He pulled out of you again and readjusted you once more, pushing your arms aside as he pulled  you to sit up, bringing your head forward. He squeezed your cheeks to keep your mouth open as pressed his cock between your lips.

“Taste yourself Doll.” He pushed you further down his length until you gagged and then pulled back out again, gripping your hair and rubbing your face against his cock, smearing your face with saliva and your own juices, before slipping it into your mouth once more. “Taste all that creamy cum you made,” he snapped his hips forward, fucking into you, his cock twitching against your tongue as he neared his own orgasm. He growled again as he came, replacing the taste of you with his own.

 You weren’t sure if he’d want to do more so you sat there, cum pooled on your tongue, keeping yourself as still as possible though breathing heavier than before, waiting to be moved around again. Ben tentatively sat beside you on the edge of the bed and stoked your hair again, watching closely.

“I’m done,” he said softly, “You don’t need to be a doll anymore.”

You sighed and stood, reaching for the box of tissues that lived on your nightstand.

“Are you okay?” Ben asked, biting his lip, “Sorry if that was too much, I shouldn’t have told you about it.”

You shook your head before pressing a tissue to your lips and spitting the cum into it, “Ben I’m okay, I promise. You know I don’t like swallowing.”

“Oh,” he gave you a shy smile and a small laugh, “Yeah, should have realised.”

You took the place beside him again, entwining your fingers with his as you leaned your head on his shoulder.

“So, you really are okay? That wasn’t too much?”

“Are you kidding? That was so fucking hot!” you laughed and lifted your head to look at him, “I’m very very very glad you told me.”

“And I wasn’t too rough? I mean I bit you, are you sure that was alright?”

“Ben, stop worrying. That was a big part of what made it so hot. You don’t get rough very often so seeing you like that, feeling you grab me and position me and all that, was fun.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes! You know I’d tell you if it didn’t feel good. I’ll just have to make sure I don’t wear anything sleeveless until the mark clears up.”

He laughed again and wrapped and arm around your waist to pull you in close, “That makes me feel a lot better. Thank you for doing that for me too, you’re an incredible girlfriend.”

“I am,” you bumped his shoulder with yours, “but you’re an incredible boyfriend too.”

Ben kissed you again but this time you kissed back, glad you were able to.

“We should probably clean up, babe,”

You nodded and stood up, hand still in Ben’s, pulling him along with you as you headed to the bathroom, “Next time we should try the ragdoll thing,”

“Next time?”

“Well I assume you’ll want to do it again. I definitely do.”

[comicbookuniversity]

My Problems With X of Swords So Far....

SPOILERS!!!!!

As of this post, we are 16 of 22 chapters into this crossover event, the first of the Krakoa Era. I want to start off by saying that I have largely been enjoying this era of X-Men overall; I came for Jonathan Hickman taking over the franchise, but spent some of my quaruntine time catching up on the other titles and mostly enjoyed them. I am by no means an X-Men expert or superfan, but I know my lore pretty well and am a fan. That being said, let’s dive into this mess.

I want to give credit where credit is due, the first half of this event has been well crafted. The writers, as apparently led by Hickman and Tini Howard, have worked to create a consistent tone across all of the books and it shows. This is clearly an event crafted with care and skill. And aside from the error on Bogdanovic’s part, the art teams have been on point delivering great looking books. Considering this, the pedigree of the teams, and again, Jonathan Hickam, the guy who Marvel trusted to end Stan and Jack’s creation in Secret Wars, leading this event- this is should by all measures be much better than it is. Even if it didn’t live up to the aforementioned event, it should still be better than what we’ve got because of the ideas we’ve got on the page. I think these are all interrelated problems with the event, but I’m going to list them individually as I see them.

The Problems

1. Pacing- This largely effects the first half of the event, considering how the backhalf has changed, but we spent nearly 10 issues of the X-Men simply gathering their prophosized swords as ruled by the host of the tournament between the two sides, Saturynye. During this time, we did not get a lot of ideas of strategy or spycraft to learn more about a largely unknown enemy. We got a lot of decompressed character introspection, and even a set up to Al Ewing’s upcoming SWORD book (looking majorly forward to that book). This meant that we didn’t learn a lot about these characters that we did not already know to try to drive up the emotional tension that I don’t believe worked as the internal stakes did not match the scale of the external threats- the end of a utopia. This might have worked more if there were less of it and thus getting right to the heart of the matter. But the event spent so much space on spinning it’s wheels for.....what reason? Why was it necessary to give so much time this aspect compared to other possibilities? This brings me to my next problem.

2. The Promise of the New- One of the great things about this event is how it rewrites what we know about Apocalypse to make him more interesting while giving us a huge new set of characters and lore to get to know and love with the revelation of a whole secret history of mutants on Earth and then the history of the exiled mutants to what basically amounts to a Hell after fending it off from taking over Earth. It’s genuinely a great addition to Apocalypse and the franchise as a whole. I am supremely excited about the future of the Arrako people, but we spent 10 issues of the X-Men gathering swords while learning very little about this new land and new people. We learned about Solem a little bit and how he relates to the rest of Arrako, but that’s basically it. We are 16 issues in and we don’t know a whole lot about this lands or even more specifically the histories of Swordbreakers of Arrako. We know a little, but in all that time where the characters of X-Men and Arrako could have been interacting and building relationships to actually have drama beyond one side is coming to dominate the Earth for ancient reasons, we got next to nothing. And even as the tournament has started, the information and drama between the new side is minimal; enough to make the move the narrative forward but that’s it. I’m not saying I need a whole history course, but I definitely feel like we should know more than we do know about Arrako. I think we’ve in fact learned more about Otherworld than Arrako, which brings me to my next problem.

3. Otherworld....Why?- Seriously, why? It’s pretty clear both before and after Secret Wars that it isn’t necessary to travel through Otherworld to travel the multiverse. So...why? Because they want to build up Otherworld as a new playground for future stories and to connect othe ongoing drama of what had been happening in Excalibur, which...ok. Look I get that it helps to develop long unused properties to breath new life into them, but what does Otherworld have to do with Arrako other than apparently you have to travel through it to get to it? That seems forced to me and it does nothing to heighten the drama of the battle between Krakoa and Arrako. It forces a war to become a tournament, but other than that....again, it really doesn’t add anything. Otherworld’s role in this story is completely unnecessary. It’s easy to imagine this story without Otherworld. If Otherworld played a less forced role and a role that made more sense to the conflict, I wouldn’t have a problem with it’s inclusion or learning as much as we have about it. But, we’ve been given more information about various parts of Otherworld that have not been important and we could have spent that time learning more about or developing the relationships of Arrako/Krakoa.

4. A Tournament of the Absurd- I know I complained about it taking ten issues just to get our two sides into the same room for conflict, but then it took another three before we got to our first conflict. We were over half way through the crossover and no one had drawn their sword against their would-be enemy in favor of an overly theatrical and long dinner where we finally got some relationship building but were still not at the main draw of this attraction- the duels or whatever type of conflict it would really turn out to be. Literrally anything that involved the swords being used for combat got pushed back until like 60% through this story, which is squandering the promise of the premise. But finally, this week get got the to the action, and it was nothing like anticipated. Our first match lasts less 3 pages, which could be exciting if we understood what was going on with how the nature of the loss, but then it ‘s undercut by a plot point that makes very little sense and does not give the characters involved any real agency. An unexpected romance or marriage is always a nice surprise in a story like this, but this crossover doesn’t earn it. The characters are literally whisked away against their wills and told to marry each other without knowing a thing about each other, nor can they communicate with each other. If the marriage was a solution because of the two sides coming to an arrangement by the two sides talking it over or if it had been the two newlyweds plan based on their own insights and choices, then this idea would have been wonderful. But again, literally taken against their wills without warning and forced to marriage for the sake of two societies without it even being clear that this really advanced the cause of or guarnteed the safety of either side. Then we move forward to a fight that has promise only to be immediately stopped from fighting to participate in a childish contest between two obviously mismatched opponents that makes the contest one sided. Like, What The Actual Fuck? Why avoid the fight in favor of that contest? One clearly has more entertainment value than the other. Fuck it, fine, let’s see if Wolverine is given a fun fight. His first match (yeah, we’re getting too much Logan here) has potential, but the creative team decides to make the fight more psychedlic to the detriment of clarity of choreography and thus removes tension. It’s a style choice that pulls away from the fight and then the victory is undermined by a bullshit twist of the rules that compounds the lack of clarity into greater frustration. Then Wolverine is transported to a drinking contest against a teammate? Like, why? What does this do for the story? There’s a brief line used to justify it and the next thing it sets up, but it’s weak. It’s fucking frustrating, because developing the relationship of these two characters could have easily been handled differently rather than wasting one of the spots in the tournament for a point that is given instead of earned. I will give the third match a pass as that was actually what the story promised; intrigue and violence between the players.

At this point, unless something major changes, I’m calling it here: X of Swords is bad. It wastes is promised premise, it wastes it’s time, and it wastes it’s potential. The problem is that this is clearly crafted by people who generally know what the hell they’re doing, but for some ungodly reason their talents are not being put to their fullest. We’ve seen all of them write better stories; heck, the ongoing stories before the crossover started were better. Even if something major happens to really hook me back into this story that will only change my opinion from bad to mediocre because we’re already 75-ish% done with story, and that means all these problems will always be true. I really hope the characters of Arrako stick around after this story, because I think they have immense potential, but this is just a bad start. I know there are people out there that are happy with this story, and I’m happy for them. But, I hope I am not alone in seeing these problems. Let me know if I am not alone.

[fitchersvogel]

my only comment on fanfiction vs literature

The most useful distinction between “fanfic” and “literature” is MEANS OF CIRCULATION AND DISTRIBUTION.

As many people have been pointing out, the basic fundamental act of “using pre-existing characters/narratives to tell a new story” is really fucking old. In Western lit, the idea that originality was a virtue (never mind the highest one) is fairly recent: it really takes off during the Romantic period (late 1700s-early 1800s). This is also, NOT COINCIDENTALLY, the time when modern ideas about copyright/intellectual property ALSO start getting codified.

Prior to that, a general attitude was that any assclown can write something ~original~: what takes REAL SKILL is tackling the Great Stories and bringing something new to them. (Note: GREAT stories--writers like Chaucer got sneered at for reworking “low” genres like smutty comedies.) Dante, Milton, etc. were responding to Biblical and theological narratives, and putting their own twists on them--and in Dante’s case, self-inserting.

(Note: I have zero problems describing what Dante did as “self insert” or using fanfic terms in general to describe similar literary concepts: AU, hurt/comfort, whump, etc. Because a) it’s funny, and b) fannish terms are often both accurate and accessible.)

And it’s not just fanfic-ish stuff either: there’s a basic lit-crit concept called “intertextuality,” which states that ALL literature refers back to other books--as Barthes said, “all writing is rewriting.”

However, there are certain types of literature that are much more specific and directed in their intertextuality. This whole category of storytelling can be called “recursive literature”: any story that is extensively and explicitly intertextual to an identifiable pre-existing source, and expects the reader to understand it as such. You don’t pick up Paradise Lost or Ulysses without being immediately aware that they’re retellings of the Book of Genesis and the Odyssey. Likewise, you don’t click on an AO3 link without knowing that you’re getting a reworking of The Terror or whatever. It all falls under the category “recursive literature,” because that category is about specific relationships between texts and the audience’s understanding of that relationship.

Fanfiction is a SUBCATEGORY of recursive literature: it is recursive lit that circulates unofficially, outside of the formal mechanisms of commercial publication. Sometimes this is due to copyright reasons--there’s a fuckton to be said about the relationship between modern commercial concepts of intellectual property and the development of modern fandom--but there are other reasons.

Fanfiction is like a giant slush pile for recursive lit: there’s no barriers or quality controls. While this means that the My Immortals of the world can traumatize us all, it also means that you don’t have to bound by commercial publication’s notions of genre, length, saleability, etc. @seperis once said that great fanfiction is often unpublishable: not because it’s bad, but because it’s so niche, and so deeply embedded within specific microfandoms and friend-group headcanons and fanon that it’s incomprehensible to more than, like, 5 people.

It’s also worth noting that recursive lit in general has often been created by people who were and are marginalized by mainstream literary cultures: women, ethnic and religious minorities, LGBTQ+ people, young people. Not surprising: while wanting to respond to stories is pretty much universal, the people for whom the need is most urgent are those who are ignored, condemned or stereotyped within those narratives. And fanfiction--because, again, fanfiction is recursive lit that circulates UNOFFICIALLY--is far more accessible as an artistic medium for marginalized groups.

As for “but but but Riverdale a/b/o mpreg is NOT the same as Paradise Lost!!!!!” Like, no shit? But both of them are recursive lit, because recursive lit is a category defined by relationships between texts, not quality or importance.

On that note, those of us in actual professional literature academia don’t really sit around contemplating whether a given text is ~great literature~ or not: if you’ve ever read academic articles on, say, Shakespeare you’ll notice almost no time spent blowing smoke up his ass for how great his writing is. “Great literature” is subjective, because taste is subjective. What we do care about: is it INTERESTING? Like, does it reward further study? Does it use language or symbols in a distinctive way? Does it tell us something about its purported subject matter, or the context in which it was written? Is it by and/or aimed at a particular audience? What does it tell us about its author, the audience, their priorities and concerns and tastes? And on and on. Stuff can be INTERESTING without being necessarily good! Likewise, it can be interesting without being “important.”

And it’s ALWAYS worth asking questions as to WHY certain texts get considered “good/important,” and why others do not: often, the gender/race/sexuality of the author, the purported “importance” of their subject matter/narrative, and the makeup of the audience affects these things: we ALL know how “stories about straight white men are IMPORTANT and for EVERYONE, while stories about not-straight-not-white not-male people are ONLY for members of that group, and are automatically of lesser quality and importance.” It’s also worth asking why so many assume that “fits into models designed by commercial publishers” is the same thing as “guarantee of quality,” and “circulates informally” means “not good enough.” (As a folklorist, official vs. unofficial, and how those differing circulation models function and impact us, is 100% my wheelhouse.)

A note on the ~Western literary canon~: when those of us who aren’t Harold Bloom (or Harold Bloom-adjacent, like whoever decided the St John’s Great books Program should be a thing) talk about a “canon,” we’re generally talking about literature that was IMPORTANT and INFLUENTIAL. Stuff that broke new aesthetic ground in some way, or became a major cultural touchstone, or had a huge impact on later works. These are texts that people keep returning to, over and over through the years, because they say something meaningful--even centuries after their own time. The “canon” is always in flux, and always being adjusted to reflect social and cultural changes, and changing tastes. It’s a canon because enough people have found meaning in these specific texts to keep returning to them for insight. That doesn’t mean everything in it is going to fit your or my idea of “good” or even “readable,” because it’s more about impact. Taste is subjective, influence can be documented.

TL;DR: recursive literature is a category that includes literature (including Major Classics) and fanfiction; fanfiction is recursive lit that circulates unofficially; Great Literature is stuff that we have defined as meaningful and important for the development of literary storytelling; it’s always worth asking questions about why we consider certain things more or less important, based on their perceived authoriship/audience/method of production.

[trashcanreddiefan]

The 1st Annual Losers' Club Christmakkah Celebration

Summary: The Losers gather for their first annual Christmakkah celebration. Several announcements are made, and Richie’s Christmas wish just may come true.

Word Count: 2800-ish

Warnings: None whatsoever. This is pure fluff.

Author’s Note: Post-Chapter 2. All of the Losers are alive in this fic, including Stan, because canon can suck it.

1st in a (at least) 3-part series where the Losers take turns hosting Christmakkah.

CROSS-POSTED AT AO3.

Bzz bzzz. Bzzz bzzz. Bzzz Bzzz. Bzzz bzzz.

Richie Tozier groaned and picked his phone up off of his nightstand, squinting at it in the harsh early morning light and smiling sleepily when he saw that new messages were flooding in in the Losers’ group text thread.

Benverly (Bev): First annual Loser’s Club Non-denominational Holiday Celebration at Ben’s house on December 24th!

Benverly (Ben): OUR house, Bev.

Benverly (Bev): Our house. :-*

Benverly (Ben): I love being able to say that.

Micycle: Can’t wait!

Billiam: Audra and I will definitely be there!

Staniel: Patty and I will be there.

Eds: I’m coming.

Richie waited until everyone had confirmed before sending his response. Oh, I don’t know if I can be away from Eds’s mom for that long.

Eddie’s reply immediately came through.

Eds: Dude, you realize the joke no longer works since my mom’s been dead for 12 years, right?

Eds: Also, fuck you.

Richie grinned. Love you too, Eds.

Staniel: Richie, you had better be there or else I’m personally coming get you and dragging your ass to Ben & Beverly’s.

Richie shook his head. I’m kidding, guys, I’ll be at Christmakkah. Honestly, I wouldn’t miss it for anything.

Eds: Good, it wouldn’t be a Losers’ Holiday Celebration without the biggest loser of us all.

Richie snorted with laughter. Ouch, Eds, you wound me. 💀

Eds: Truth hurts, asshole. And that’s still not my name.

Billiam: Christmakkah? Really?

Staniel: Actually, I kind of like it.

Benverly (Ben): Ok, 1st annual Losers’ Christmakkah Celebration at my & Bev’s house then. :)

Everyone had mutually agreed that gifts weren’t necessary, that everyone having made it out of Neibolt alive and It being well and truly dead was gift enough.

Richie was never one to follow the rules, however, which is how he found himself loaded down with gift bags in front of Ben & Beverly’s house 3 weeks later. He rang the doorbell.

A few seconds later the door swung open to reveal Eddie.

Richie blinked. “Hey, Eds.”

A smile spread over Eddie’s face. “Richie, hey. Come on in, everyone’s in the dining room.”

Richie stepped inside and Eddie reached for some of the gift bags. “Here, let me help you with that stuff.”

Richie and Eddie deposited Richie’s gifts in the living room. Once Richie had taken his jacket and gloves off and was settled, Eddie pulled him into a hug. “I’m really glad to see you, man.”

“Same here, Eds. I’ve missed you– I mean I’ve missed all of you. Even though it’s only been a few months. Yeah. Anyway, let’s go in the dining room so I can see everyone else.”

Once they reached the dining room, Richie announced his presence in his usual loud, playful fashion. “Happy Christmakkah, Losers!” he shouted.

“Richie!” came the chorus of replies, followed by hugs and greetings.

Bev rubbed her hands together. “Good, now that you’re here, let’s eat!”

After dinner, everyone gathered in Ben & Bev’s gigantic living room to sit by the fire and socialize. Stan, Patty, Ben, & Bev sat on one sofa, Audra, Bill & Mike were on the other, and Richie and Eddie each sat in the 2 armchairs by the fireplace.

“While we’re all here, Patty and I have a gift for everyone,” Stan announced. “I know we said that we weren’t going to get everyone gifts, but…” he shrugged. “You’ll just have to deal with it.”

He began handing out bags to everyone. “Don’t open them yet.”

Richie fiddled with the tissue paper sticking out of his bag as he waited for Stan to sit back down. “Ok, go ahead,” Stan said.

Richie pulled the tissue paper out and pulled out a white onesie that read “I love my uncle.” He looked around everyone else, who all held the same gift, with Bev’s reading “I love my aunt” instead.

Stan placed a hand over Patty’s stomach. “We’re expecting!” he said excitedly.

Richie jumped up and gave Stan a hug. “Staniel, you old dog, congratulations!” He then turned to Patty, giving her a much gentler hug. “You guys are going to be fucking phenomenal parents, I just know it.”

After everyone had congratulated Stan and Patty, Ben cleared his throat, looking at Bev in silent conversation. Bev tilted her head in affirmation.

Ben got up and grabbed some gift bags from behind the couch. “Here you go, everyone,” Ben said sheepishly, handing them out.

Each bag contained a dual photo frame, one side holding a picture of the Losers’ at 13 and the other holding a more recent group photo that had been taken at the Jade of the Orient before they had all remembered It, and an envelope.

Richie tore his card open. Inside was an engagement announcement.

Bev linked her fingers through Ben’s. “We’re getting married,” she said happily. “We decided to do it while you’re all still here for the holidays since we want the most important people in our lives to be there.”

Another round of congratulations echoed around the room.

Bill spoke up next. “I brought gifts too. No announcement though, at least not unless you count a new book deal.”

Everyone congratulated Bill as he handed his gifts out, Richie good-naturedly teasing him about hoping Bill had finally learned how to write an ending.

“Ok, so I’m assuming no one listened and brought everyone a gift anyway?” Mike said, then nodded when Richie and Eddie both murmured an assent. “In that case I’m going next.”

He handed everyone their gift, then settled back down. “I do have a small announcement –  I’ve decided to settle down in Key West. I just closed on a house last week.”

“Next Christmakkah at Mike’s,” Richie said jokingly, unwrapping his gift.

Mike had gifted each Loser with something he had picked up during his travels, Richie’s being a hand-carved wooden turtle.

He glanced at Mike.

“I saw that at a little roadside stand in Arizona and thought of you for some reason,” Mike explained with a shrug.

“I like it,” Richie replied with a nod. “Thanks, man.”

He hadn’t told anyone what he had seen in the deadlights, but he had distinctly remembered seeing a giant turtle right before he fell.

“What about you, Eddie?” Bev asked. “Any announcements?”

Richie studied Eddie’s profile. He looked… calmer than the last time Richie had seen him. Then again, the last time Richie had seen him they had just defeated IT a few days prior, so naturally they were all still a little frazzled.

“Actually, yes,” Eddie replied. “I filed for divorce once I got back to New York. Also, I quit my job. I figure at this point in my life it’s too late to become a doctor, but I’ve decided to go to nursing school to become a nurse practitioner.”

Richie’s heart sped up. Eddie’s single.

He mentally chastised himself. He's still your best friend, not to mention straight. Don’t fuck it up. He blinked as Eddie dropped a gift bag in his lap.

Eddie had obviously taken great care in selecting each person’s gifts, giving Bill a nice fountain pen and notebook set, Audra a spa certificate, Mike a hardcover coffee table-type book, Ben a vinyl re-release of New Kids on the Block’s Hanging Tough album, Bev a silk scarf that she had offhandedly mentioned wanting during a Losers’ Skype session a few months prior, Stan a book on exotic birds of Moldavia or something (Richie wasn’t quite sure) and Patty a broach with a hummingbird on it.

Richie carefully opened his gift, pulling out a leather jacket very similar to the one he had lost in the sewers. He softly stroked it.

Eddie had been watching him. “Thought you could use a replacement,” he said.

“Thanks, Eds.”

Richie realized belatedly that it was his turn. His mouth went dry. He almost blurted out that he didn’t have anything for anyone and that he had absolutely nothing to say, but Eddie had helped him haul his gifts in so he knew that wouldn’t work.

He stood and hurriedly passed out everyone’s gift bags. “Uh, my gift is also an announcement and this was the best way I could figure out how to do it, so…” He made a ‘go on’ motion with his hands. “Ok, go ahead.”

Each Loser (with Stan and Patty receiving one bag) pulled out a CD single of “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross.

Richie studied each Loser’s expression as they looked at their gift. Ben, Bill, and Mike all looked confused, Bev had a slow smile spreading on her face, Stan was shaking his head while trying to hold back laughter, (the fucker, he probably knew back when we were kids –) and Eddie… well for once in his life Richie couldn’t read Eddie’s expression. He took a deep breath. “So yeah, um, surprise! I’m gay.” He did a little ‘tah-dah’ motion with his hands as an emphasis. “I’m gonna come out publicly soon but it was important to me to tell you guys first.”

Stan was the first one to move, standing and wrapping Richie in a hug. “I’m proud of you, Rich,” he said.

“Yeah, yeah, I mean somebody’s gotta be the cool gay uncle to the next generation of Losers,” Richie joked, holding back tears as the rest of the Losers embraced him.

He sniffled. “Ok, as much as I’m enjoying this mostly beefcake-filled love fest, I, uh, I need some air. I’ll be back in a few.”

Richie quickly detached himself from everyone and headed out to Ben and Beverly’s porch.

He had figured everyone would be supportive of him, but it had still been overwhelming. He took a few deep breaths in order to collect himself then froze as he heard a voice behind him.

“Hey Rich, you ok?” Eddie.

Richie sniffled and cleared his throat. “Yeah, man, I’m fine. Just needed a minute.”

Eddie walked up next to him. “I uh, I have to tell you something else,” he said quietly. “It’s why I divorced Myra.” He shook his head. “I mean, obviously I wasn’t happy, but there was more to it than just that.”

Richie fought the urge to make a joke about Eddie realizing his Oedipus complex. Now’s not the time, Tozier. “Hey, man, your life is your business, if you don’t want to talk about it that’s up to you–”

“I’m in love with you,” Eddie blurted.

Richie blinked. “You’re in what with who now?”

Eddie sighed and looked skyward as if praying for strength.

Richie couldn’t believe his ears. “Ed. Eds. Eddie. I swear to Christ if you’re just fucking with me–”

“Jesus, Richie, do you honestly think I would ever do that–” Eddie spluttered.

“–Because I honestly couldn’t take it if you were.”

Eddie shook his head. “Look, Rich… All these years, it wasn’t just my childhood memories that were missing, it felt like… like part of my soul was gone too. I’d been attracted to a few guys in college – all tall, dark-haired, lanky motherfuckers, but I always felt like I was comparing them to some unknown person so they never worked out. Then I met Myra and she was just so… safe that I buried that part of myself and wound up marrying her, even though I knew I was making a mistake.”  

Eddie smiled. “Then about a year ago I caught one of your specials on TV and felt a peace I hadn’t had in years. So I watched all of the shows that I could get my hands on, then I found a bunch of clips of you on YouTube and watched those too. There was something so… familiar about you, even though in the back of my mind I knew something was off - which as it turns out, was that your jokes weren’t really yours.” He huffed out a laugh.

Richie winced. “I’m working on that.”

“Good. You’re much funnier than you give yourself credit for.”

“You think I’m funny?”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, don’t let it go to your head.”

Richie was still processing. What the actual fuck. “So wait, so you're… into dudes?”

Eddie smirked. “Well, I’m certainly not actually into women.”

“And you’re into me in particular.”

“Yes.”

Richie still didn’t quite get it. “Why?”

Judging by Eddie’s reaction Richie realized he hadn’t just thought it, but had said it out loud.

“Because, Rich, you’re you. You never made fun of me because of my hypochondria, you always protected me when Bowers would give us shit, and no matter how bad things got at home I always knew I could go to you and you wouldn’t ask any questions and would let me stay as long as I needed. You’re my best friend and I always loved the way you made me feel when I was around you. At first I thought it was perfectly normal to feel for your friends like I felt about you, but as we got older and I started to analyze it I realized that I didn’t feel about any of the others in quite the same way.  You were always joking around and acting like you didn’t give a shit about what anyone said, and I wanted to be like that… You made me want to be brave.”

Richie’s heart cracked. “Eds. I’ve told you before. You are brave. You’re one of the bravest people I know.”

Eddie shook his head. “I wasn’t though. For the longest time I was terrified to admit it to myself, but after everything that happened this year I knew I was finally brave enough to tell you. I love you, Rich. I’ve loved you since we were 12 years old, and when I turned and saw you at the Jade the final pieces of the puzzle sort of slotted back into place. I knew I couldn’t go back to New York and keep living life the way I had been, but I also felt like I couldn’t tell you how I felt about you while I was still married. It wasn’t fair to you or to Myra. So when I got home I told Myra as much as I could, and we mutually agreed to separate. The divorce was finalized last week.”

“Fuck, Eddie…” Richie couldn’t believe it. Eddie loves me. Eddie LOVES me. Holy fucking shit, EDDIE loves ME.

Eddie was still talking. “And I mean it’s fine, I know just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re into me, and if you didn’t feel the same back then or even now it’s okay because– mmph.”

Before Richie could even process what he was doing he had pulled Eddie to him and had slotted his lips over Eddie’s.

Eddie’s lips were just as soft as Richie had always imagined. I see he’s still using Chapstick religiously, he thought, moaning as Eddie nipped his bottom lip then soothed the bite with his tongue while his hands reached up to tangle themselves into Richie’s unruly hair.

He briefly detatched himself from Eddie’s lips. “I love you too, Eds,” he breathed. “I loved you before I even knew what love was and I’ve loved you every day since. You’re it for me.”

Eddie let out a growl and pulled him back in, immediately deepening the kiss.

Oh Jesus Christ yes, PLEASE. Richie would’ve happily stayed right there on Ben and Bev’s porch making out with Eddie all night, but unfortunately he was outside in 30-degree weather without a coat. He shivered.

Eddie pulled back. “Christ, Richie, you’re freezing. Come on, let’s go inside with the others.”

Richie held him back. “Wait, wait, Eds. How exactly is this going to work? We live on opposite sides of the country.”

Eddie bit his lip. “I um, actually I didn’t exactly say where I was going to school either.” He glanced up at Richie. “I enrolled at UCLA.”

A smile bloomed on Richie’s face. “Really? You’re moving to L.A.?”

“Yeah, I mean UCLA has a great nursing program and I needed a change of scenery anyway, so I figured the west coast would be a good choice…”

Richie thought about his cold, empty house in Beverly Hills. Here goes nothing. “So, do you like, have a house or apartment or anything yet?”

Eddie shook his head. “No, not yet. I’m looking into apartments near campus but I haven’t found anything yet.”

“Because you know you can totally come stay with me while you look for a place, or… even better, just move in with me permanently.” Richie bit his lip. “Because like I said, you’re it for me, Eds. You’ve always been it for me. You’ll always be it for me.”

Eddie was silent for a few moments, appearing to be weighing his options. Finally he said, “Okay.”

Richie’s heart leapt. “Okay?”

Eddie grinned. “Yeah. Okay. Because you’re it for me too, you know.”

“Well in that case…” Richie grabbed Eddie’s hand, dragging him inside. “HEY, EVERYONE! WE HAVE ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!”

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

so prompted the other day from someone commenting on one of my personal posts lamenting on my poor time management skills and how I was a good-ish student without studying etc during early high school and then by year 10 I had fuck all idea how study..... I decided to look up adhd in girls. like obviously i am not self-diagnosing myself with it bc i know that it’s a super common and serious behaviour condition. but holy fuck, i just read something about it that hit me so fucking hard that.... fuck me. i just feel so attacked:

obviously I don’t relate to the softball practice bc I never did extracurriculars and I hated sport lmao. but the writing/writer bit. and “working overtime” to get a high grade on my english assignments..... as well as over-practicing my drama stuff at home and wanting my performances to be perfect.... i was known to basically everyone as a student who should’ve been in the top English class. but it was wrested away from me bc of my lack of understanding and appreciation for shakespeare in a year 8 in class assessment on Romeo & Juliet “being starcrossed lovers” that I basically failed bc I came out with a D instead of an A or a B. like fuck. this hit me hard.

they had another point about how the girl with adhd is usually the class helper- like I was in my english classes. bc I would edit everyone’s work, be their living thesaurus & dictionary, as well as giving everyone answers on the assigned texts, because i was the only person in my class who was bothered enough to read the texts in full and enjoy them. then I never received much thanks for it.

but my maths homework? never done. or my very occasional maths take-home assignments? done by my dad at the last minute when I remembered that excel was, in fact, an actual thing. hell I didn’t even do my CLASS WORK most of the time. i instead either half wagged my maths classes (I have several posts on this behaviour lmao) or purposely “fell asleep” in my maths classes as a joke for everyone to “wake me up (wake me up inside)” like Jeff from the wiggles. bc I thought it was funny. but now I’m 24 and never (really) learned how to read a graph or learned how to calculate the mean/median and average & range and mode or whatever the fuck, etc etc. like yeah. my maths is absolutely abysmal.

my geography homework and assignments? barely ever done. and again, at the vexation of the poor kids who were assigned to sit next to me and my year 9 geo teacher who liked me, my geo class work was never done to standard. and I would pull the same “wake up Jeff” routine in geography. even though I could’ve easily done well with that year 9 teacher and my year 10 geo teacher too bc at least we also got along.

my history homework and assignments? done, depending on the teacher, the topic and the type of history. like I was useless at modern history (bc I disliked it- especially australian history lmao minus Vietnam and maybe a bit of the Cold War era spy stuff... it was the politics lmao). but, on the other hand, I was pretty good at ancient history (until I had to try and write a historical essay- and that fucked me up big time in years 11/12 and also uni). i was also mega good at aboriginal studies (like aboriginal cultural history) when I swapped schools. but I dropped out of it, due to my fear of the major project which I knew I wouldn’t meet.... bc it was literally like 50% of the total subject mark at the end of year 12.

so then my focus aside from english & ancient history in year 12 became community and family studies/cafs/social studies and my technical theatre and events management course. which both ended up with marks near the 70s, I think, at the end of year 12. my teachers were good so I went okay.

my science homework? done sometimes, depending again on the topic and the teacher.... but also that one time one teacher wanted me to go to the regional science fair bc he thought my project was good.... but I didn’t do it bc i thought my work wasn’t that good and I didn’t want to do the extra effort of the boards and presenting it.... ESPECIALLY since I’d written that coke/coca-cola was “burp fuel” in my intro. like. burp fuel??? at the regional science fair? oh god. no. no thank you. that’s mortifying both back then AND now, looking back at it. but then again, maybe that’s the part my teacher wanted me to omit in the “clean up”/editing of my work for the science fair lmao. my biology stuff in years 11/12 though? awful. so much so that I solely passed year 12 bio with the miracle of mark scaling. and this was despite the efforts of one of my friends trying to tutor me in our shared free periods.

and obvs my PE stuff was never done.... even that one assessment that was writing/illustrating a kids book about how to be healthy. which if I’d done it, I would’ve probably gone well. but it was my utter distrust of the PE/sport faculty and loathing of sport, and also the fact that when I tried to write it; it didn’t seem authentic or genuine.... that drove me not to do that assignment.

aside from academics/grades.... the other thing that hit me was that adhd girls are typically seen as the “funny/loud/tomboy” etc girls but are also exceedingly shy. like that full on attacked me too. bc it’s exactly like my flip from catholic school to public school. going from being the loud & funny sailor mouth girl who sometimes asked crass questions in PE due to the shows she watched and to see if people would laugh and did whack shit in her drama classes..... but with mostly topsy-turvy marks. to being the quiet shy and suddenly high achieving former private school girl at public school who never did any loud shit out of the blue. like. yeah. like now when I look back at my facebook statuses about me in drama class or other dumb shit I did outside of drama class in catholic school I’m like “hmmm, can’t relate” and “what the FUCK that was ME??? I don’t know her.” bc of the nervous wreck that I actually am lmao.

there was one more point to that was like “adhd boys will typically sit “with one foot on their chair in class”. and I was like. “hmmm. why does that remind me so vividly of my year 7 geo teacher/year 9 commerce teacher frequently labelling me as a “health hazard” bc I’d sit cross legged on my chairs during class????”

I also had a flashback while reading that particular article, to how, in primary school, my teachers regularly encouraged the kids who were assigned to sit beside me on table groups or whatever in class; to put a ruler between us to mark out our separate sides of the desk; so that whoever sat next to me had their own desk space and I had mine.... all bc my side was frequently unorganised/messy. that’s because when I physically handwrote things, I’d tire quickly and so slouch in my seat a bit and put my head on my other arm to write (this is my condition hypotonia/developmental coordination disorder).... so I took up a load of desk space doing that. while the other person’s side of the desk was usually neat and ordered and they obvs didn’t have my posture etc when physically handwriting something. like I’d try to have my side neat & ordered like everyone else, but it always ended up in a state of disarray somehow. like HOO BOY IT’S ALL ADDING UP.

but also yeah. I’m not self-diagnosing bc that’s such common thing on this site. but. like. yeah I need to get to a psychologist or a psychiatrist and see. because so many things are adding up and maybe I do have some overlapping traits from adhd???? bc as ive said before, my condition hypotonia/developmental coordination disorder, has some links with adhd apparently, from what I’ve read recently on it. and it’s really starting to interfere with my life bc I can’t use a diary properly etc and don’t know how to hold myself accountable with deadlines other than doing everything to the last minute until I burn out, monumentally.

anyway.

don’t reblog this please. lmao. it’s just a musing.

[incarnateirony]

Tell me again anti arguments aren’t seated in deeply entrenched homophobia.

So I just found a post.

Like the flaming type of douchebag it takes to make this kind of post, not only do they make it in a critical tag that will turn it up -- without a protective cut or warning -- in a main tag but they explicitly choose to stir the shit by planting it in the main ship tag.

But wait, there’s more!

This person is legitimately out here spontaneously arguing with canon about it because, oh no, Claire might be gay. But how could she possibly be gay? In her few adult episodes she didn’t spontaneously start humping girls. We like, saw her fighting stuff. Obviously that means she must be straight. Why would she happen to get a crush on THIS girl? It makes no sense!! Don’t lesbians have to like, want to scissor any woman that crosses their path? The math doesn’t add up, Carl!

But it gets better. They’ve been compulsively reblogging DreamHunter posts to shit in them, but have some key highlights on their logic.

Check out the anti arguments here.

DreamHunter can’t possibly be canon because if DreamHunter is canon that would make Destiel canon and we just can’t stand for that!!

Ironically they have a “Destiel” tag in their bio but the funniest shit is this leading in with, you know, cramming LGBT down people’s throats, with a whole three boldly confirmed characters in the show. Or, perhaps, either 1 (Charlie) or 5 (+Cas and Dean) by their polar logic. 

Funny how that works.

*looks back to Bobo’s book review circa 2003*

“But it never occurs to Goldstein that there is a deeper social problem at work if heterosexual liberals are craving outlets for sublimated homophobia …”

“Again, we have a righteous injunction to all heterosexuals to ’fess up to their homophobia and to get to work and fix it, divorced from any realistic awareness of how much time heterosexuals will ever be willing to devote to such a project;” -- Bobo Berens, Dissent Magazine, 2003.

Given, of course, Bobo modernly clarified that he by no means was intending to give a pass for that sort of behavior or narrative when he wrote it -- simply the awareness that there are those people, so immersed in it, that they are unable to be aware of much less atone for their bitterly phobic narratives. 

As above.

So yeah, folks. I echo back to my The Problem With Dreamhunter post, but ironically, find that we did, finally, find one oddball out that’s explicitly arguing with Jody’s First Love comment. They were just great gal pals, guys. No big. Don’t shove the gay down everyone’s throats, duh!

Above receipts minded, it’s totally unsurprising that, with my linked post considered and pointing out the authorial parallels of one ship to the other, that they decided to throw Destiel under the bus to argue too, while unwittingly elevating it. 

Huh.

Yeah, fam. Those stupid gay authors in the writing room gaying up our show and shoving it down everybody’s throats but it’s not canon cuz I said so. But I’m not a homophobe! I have a gay friend. I call him Sparkles.

Fucking gag me with a spoon.

Do you guys see the true issue here yet?

These people don’t even see how they’re being problematic.

Let’s argue devil’s advocate. “If DreamHunter is canon so is Destiel,” okay, that’s 5 main-ish queer characters. Will they accept Crowley as canon queer or is that “not canon” to them either? 6? (reaches, wiggles fingertips out of reach) NYYEEHHH!  So... close!

How many recognizeable (not one-off, side screen, lol oh look a bartender roles) have existed in this show? 50? You know, counting recurrings like Benny and Bela and whoever. (If we stretch it to include things like “Vince’s Band Mates” which is technically recurring, there’s about 176.) (this smaller, less updated wiki misses some early characters beyond Amara, doesn’t even have the S11-14 characters, and still says 91, but also doesn’t flood out like “Bart’s Assistant”)

Do people realize that the modern CW target demo of 18-34 varies from lower end identifying 52% queer and older end identifying 34% queer?

That means one in every 2 or 3 people in the target, modern, not primeval generation ping somewhere on the Kinsey scale. Having 1-in-15 (and that’s being generous -- do we get to include Crowley?) isn’t exactly shoving anything down anybody’s throats. It’s admitting we exist a little bit.

And again, spare me like “But there were those gay bartenders cupid shot” or “there was the hunter husband episode” that never got touched on again. Again, one off characters and/or the equivalent of greyface NPCs - if we have thousands of those, if you’re pulling on maybe like, 10, you should already realize you’re spraining something from the reach.

Chill. Nobody’s shoving anything down your throat. Queer people do exist. We exist a lot more than Straighties want to believe. But your heterosexuality isn’t being attacked just because maybe 1-in-15ish people might ping queer as actual faces on a show.

(*1-in-15ish comes from the 91 number. It becomes 1-in-23ish if we use the 176)

In other news, this is a clearly straight-identifying person (they pulled “I have gay friends” and not “But I’m gay too”), but let us never forget the above cited quotes from Berens are discussing what Goldstien politically addressed as “the attack queers,” a conservative-leaning demographic often coded to internally phobic narratives which -- while allowing them greater ability to communicate to the phobic edge of the straight audience and open that venue -- he realized he almost sounded like he was defending. 

He is aware, for example, of how to deal with this conservative audience, and how to use their method to gain “disproportionate presence in the media” above more liberal methods he personally agrees with the narrative of but to the resistant audience comes across as a “litany of scolding and sermonizing,” but at the same time doesn’t condone the actual narratives --

In fact the very ability to be aware of this lets us know that Berens, above many others, is wholly aware of internalized homophobia on top of politically sublimated homophobia from the hetero community and what measures make progress for them to “accept” things gradually, even if they’re not at all concessions we want to make, which he addressed as a “valuable service,” even if, again, he by no means agrees with the actual crude bullshit that comes out of their mouth. 

Both things can be true. People who think they’re being supportive can actually be problematic, but severely problematic people may actually be able to reached by middle ground problematic people in a gradually diminishing scale of problematic, rather than feeling preached at. 

And then there’s those, like our OP, who even if they get the gentlest, most easily accepted (WLW is more culturally saturated than MLM and thus welcome [we can breakout-discuss fetishization vs representation another time]), most “inoffensive” to the delicate (because if they HAD kissed, they’d be yelling that the gays were ruining things again by kissing [and of course, without the fetishization, however will the people who want to whap to it feel it was complete?]), simply have no intention of releasing their homophobia, falling back to his quote.

“Again, we have a righteous injunction to all heterosexuals to ’fess up to their homophobia and to get to work and fix it, divorced from any realistic awareness of how much time heterosexuals will ever be willing to devote to such a project;”

What we have is, beyond the reach of even attempted moderate media initiation via Sullivan and Paglia standard, the OP these screenshots are from, representing this quote. Right here.

Also: We can’t even remotely pretend like it’s just the oppressive straighties. You, me, all of us -- Berens included -- know sometimes this even spawns from within the LGBT community -- such as addressed by Goldstein involving Paglia and Sullivan.

Same shit different verse every time, though.

And

But hey, OP? If you ever read this, (and I definitely left you chance to with my reblog of one of your posts with a link to this) which I kind of doubt you’ll ever get this far even if you find it -- because somewhere between being called out on your blatant phobia and me putting my gay all over your feed -- 

Before you ever try to tell anyone what is or isn’t canon, most explicitly an author that already told us before the fated line that it’s what he wanted us to see (ironically by using his and Dabb as his co author’s previously penned moments for the other LGBT ship you tried to throw under the bus as direct mirrors), you might want to do a quick tap in and make sure that author didn’t psychically write an article 15 years prior pointing out how your opinion makes you a raging douchebag that has proven to be intentionally non negotiable.

Ja?

Ja.

Because you don’t realize it but you guys are literally all the same from literally something being diagnosed as problematic no matter how people try to reach out to you fifteen years ago. And that guy is in our author room. Penning both the Destiel elements you tried to bus, DreamHunter, and confirming his intentions.

[libralita]

June Wrap Up | 2018

This was a really great month for reading. I read sixteen books and once again I have to reblog this post to fit all the tags in. A lot of them were great. Some of them were absolute trash but most were pretty good.

The first book I read was One of Us is Lying by Karen M. McManus:

Okay so I enjoyed this book but I had some major problems with it. Mostly because the crux of the conflict relies on things that are completely illogical. Teachers practice illegal(ish) searches and seizure that wouldn’t fly by any judge or education administration. An app that caused someone to attempt suicide is not immediately taken down. Author writing a book about crime doesn’t know about the two party recording consent laws. It’s frustrating and yet was enjoyable. I think McManus can write a good mystery and I liked her characters. She just needs to work on her plots. I gave this book a three out of five stars.

Then I read The Wicker King by K. Ancrum:

I don’t really know how to feel about this book. Partly anxiety because of all the mental health stuff and medical stuff. I thought Jack and August’s relationship was pretty toxic and not very healthy. I’m not really into the super edgy, angsty, life-fucking-sucks style of books but it wasn’t bad. I enjoyed reading this. It kept me going. I think I liked the side characters more. The twins, Rina and Alex mostly. So I guess I’m giving this four out of five stars.

Next, I caved and bought the next volume of A Silent Voice by Yoshitoki Oima:

So, in this book Shoya gets Shoko to reunite with the girl who tried to learn sign language in sixth grade. That was really nice. She’s kind of a bland character though. Then we get the re-introduction of Naoka. Who’s still a bitch. She’s an interesting character and it’ll be interesting to see if she shows up again and has any development. But the big tear jerking in this story is when Shoko admits to loving Shoya but he doesn’t understand her. And it’s so sad. Ughhhhh…I’m probably going to buy the next one. Wasn’t as good as the last two but still five out of five stars.

Then I read the fourth volume of A Silent Voice:

Ahhhh so many emotions in this one. First Shoya gets more friends. There’s Satoshi Mashiba is a hottie. Then Naoka planned for Shoya to see one of his childhood friends. I’m guessing at some point he’s actually going to talk to Kazuki. But the big thing that happened in this one was that Shoko’s grandma died. It was really sad and we got to see Shoko’s mother’s backstory and it made me tear up. I just want someone to help out this poor woman. My favorite so far! Five out of five!

Then I finished but did not complete the Summer I Turned Pretty bind up by Jenny Han:

I read the first two books in this bind up but rage quit the last one after five chapters. The first book was fun. Belly was a snot and is written like a 10 year old instead of a sixteen year old. However, I liked the rest of the characters and wanted to see what would happen to them. I gave that four out of five stars. Then I went onto the next book hoping that Belly got better. She did not. She got worse. She’s such a bitch to her parents in this book, especially to her mother. Belly says some awful things to her mother and I don’t even think she apologizes for it. Conrad also starts to act like a little snot. He just leaves school without telling his brother. They also don’t do the most logical and correct answer which is to call Belly’s mom and ask her for help. That was my first instinct and it takes them forever to figure it out. And it’s only when Belly drunk calls her mom. God this book was so bad. Two out of five. Then I tried to read the third book but it was just Belly being a bitch to Jeremiah and Jeremiah kind of cheating on Belly. DNF’ed. Will not be reading any more Jenny Han books.

Next, I finally reread Cress by Marissa Meyer:

I still can’t believe how well this series has held up. There are a few logic problems like Cinder presses her metal hand onto her face to “cool off”. Marissa, I don’t press my face to the roof of my car to cool off. Also Kai is kind of more annoying than I remember him being. However, I still really enjoying this series. I like the dynamic Cress adds and I teared up when Erland died. I also really liked Winter small roll. She’s such a fun character. Jacin was also amusing. I give this book five out of five stars.

I think picked up Aru Shah and the End of Time by Roshani Chokshi:

This book was pretty good. I was a little bit skeptical going in and I did end up having a few problems with it. The humor didn’t always land and it was a little too similar to the Lightning Thief. However, I think this series has potential and there were a lot of cool elements that I really enjoyed and I’m excited to see where this series goes. I gave this book four out of five stars.

I felt like going back to A Silent Voice and read the fifth, sixth and final volume:

The fifth one was a little underwhelming. I still gave it four stars but it mostly focused on the movie plot which isn’t my favorite thing. I did like getting to know more about Mashiba who is my favorite even if he is a little…intense. Also Shoko might have attempted suicide at the so it was a real cliffhanger. Get it? Then the sixth one was a bit better. It’s starts off with Shoko’s mother apologizing to Shoya’s mother and it’s really sad. Also Nao just starts beating the shit out of Shoko and then Shoko’s mother fights back which was really awesome. We saw that Satoshi was bullied for his…eyebrows and is super creepy about it. Then we get kind of Shoko’s perspective on things. Not my favorite but I enjoyed it. Five out of five stars. Then I finally read the 7th and last volume. This was a nice ending to the series. You had the mothers getting drunk and becoming friends. Shoko and Shoya both want to become hairdressers. And they’re eventually going to Tokyo together? It’s a nice, hopeful ending. I gave it five out of five stars.

Next, I read The Hazel Wood by Melissa Albert:

This book was Every Heart a Doorway but done better. I still didn’t love this book. I gave it three stars. I just don’t like this type of super cynical tone. It just annoys me. However I thought the world and how the Hinterland worked was pretty awesome. I also liked the twist that Alice was Alice-Three-Times and Ella had plucked her from the story. Finches character kind of bugged me. Overall I gave this book three out of five stars. I won’t be continuing on with this series but I may check out another Albert book.

Then the newest volume of Tokyo Ghoul: re by Sui Ishida came out:

I enjoyed this one. I wasn’t expect an all out fight. In this Shu’s family is discovered of being a bunch of ghouls so there’s a big fight. Sen/Bandage girl got Kanae and made him crazy…er, crazier. There’s a really great seen between Akira and Kaneki where she hugs him. I’m pretty sure Amon’s out there somewhere. Lots of people die, including Hairu who was really cute. Then a random monster came at the end. Overall it wasn’t the best fight ever but I still enjoyed it Five out of five stars.

I decided to order Volume Two of Teen Titans so I reread the first volume Teen Titans: Damien Knows Best by Benjamin Percy:

Why read new books when I can reread comics? Also god I love the art in the first issue. I wish the art had stayed that way. But I did like the art in the last issue. I think the rest is fine but man that first issue is great. I really love this team dynamic. All the different personalities and powers. It’s so cool. And I’m a sucker for the heroes versus their opposites. It’s great. I wonder when we’ll see Mara and the Demon’s Fist again. Five out of five stars.

A few days later Teen Titans Vol. 2: The Rise of Aqualad by Benjamin Percy came out:

I really enjoyed this book. I’m a little sad that Aqualad’s personality and backstory is completely different but he still has the same Young Justice design. However, I still think he’s a really interesting character. I like his arc with his father. I really liked Kid Flash and Raven’s relationship and wish we saw more of it. But the thing I really liked was Star Fire taking charge. She’s my favorite character and honestly the best leader for this team. Hopefully we’ll see more of her doing this in the future. This book got five out of five stars as well.

Then, I read Days of Blood and Starlight by Laini Taylor:

This took me like 10 days to read despite the fact that I really enjoyed it. I kept getting distract by shorter books. I really enjoyed this book. I liked Karou having to work with the White Wolf. Thiago is such a great villain and I’m glad he died. I’m sad that Hazael died and wish he would have stuck around. He gave the angel trio a fun dynamic. I’m interested to read the next book. It’s going to be a lot of battling but hopefully not a lot of “Will Karou and Akiva get together???” Because they will.

And those are all the books I read in June! It was a great month and I’m now onto July!

[dsudis]

writing meme

I was tagged by @silentwalrus1 approximately one internet lifetime ago.

+Where do you publish your work?

AO3 and also my own website (dira.ficlaundering.com) though I am beginning to think that... you know. Personal fic author archive-websites are a thing of the past and it’s not like I don’t keep local copies of everything in case the AO3 should up and disappear somehow, and also it looks... reasonably likely that the AO3 will not up and disappear anytime soon, so... maybe I will let the website go? idk. 

+What medium/application/etc. you use? 

Good old Microsoft Word, since I was dragged kicking and screaming to it from WordPerfect ten years ago. I trust The Cloud even less than I trust the AO3 to go on existing and also I do not actually want to share my actual working files in real time with absolutely anyone ever.

+Do you collaborate with others?

Nnnno. I am not good at relinquishing control over the story to anyone else--I mean, I will take someone else’s story and write fanfiction of it all day long, obviously, but sharing the actual story-making with someone else, no.

OTOH I love betas, and I more or less have to workshop an idea in chat--telling out the whole arc and sometimes individual scenes--before I can write it. Like, if you want to know what I’m going to write next the trick is to be in a chat room with me and ask a leading question and then make encouraging noises occasionally because BOY HOWDY DO I WANT TO TELL YOU AND HEAR WHETHER YOU THINK THAT WORKS.

+How much editing do you do before you publish?

It varies, depending on the story, how long it is, how many fucks I give about it by the time I’m done with it, etc. But I definitely like to have it betaed and go over the final story for proofreading type stuff. There have been stories I wrote that in the beta process wound up getting fairly massive rewrites--the middle story in the “Just Stay Alive” trilogy, “Seek Out the Hidden Places” is the one that springs to mind right now; I wrote that story, sent it to beta, and then realized that I had basically left out a huge amount of what the story should really be about, and rewrote a lot to make that work.

+Do you listen to music while you write?

I listen to music almost constantly--silence is slightly unnerving and makes every little other sound much more distracting, plus I have a bit of tinnitus so once I start noticing that I have to drown it out. (Thanks, ADHD, on probably both counts.) So, yes, I listen to music while I write, but it’s very very rare that I have any special playlist or anything relevant to the story itself--sometimes I’ll have some kind of RAR GET THE WORK DONE playlist for generally motivating myself to stay awake and on task, but that’s about it.

+How do you decide what to write about?

See above, re: workshopping ideas. I am a pretty much perpetual-motion idea generator, but I also have been doing this long enough to have some sense of how much of a hassle a story is going to be to write (in terms of how long it will be, how much thinking and planning and research it might require, how much shame I will feel about posting it, etc.) and how much I will love creating and posting it (how much of a target audience it has, how personally enchanting I find the idea) and kind of keep those things in proportion. One of the ways I gauge that is by, as I said above, basically workshopping the idea with friends and in chat--there are lots of ideas that I’ve talked out to the point where I can recognize that if I write it I’m committing to 200k, and back-burnered it until I forgot about it completely. 

(I rarely actually utterly fail to sell an idea to anyone, but there are definitely times when other people’s reactions make me reconsider how a story would need to work to survive outside my head. So that is also a factor.)

...Also once it gets past the idea stage and into the stable of WIPs, random number generators help a lot.

+When do you write?

Well, not damn much for the last week or so, and before that writing was my dayjob so I scheduled periods of fic-writing in between periods of original-romance-writing to break things up and avoid feeling too all-work-and-no-play about writing. Before that, I tended to sneak in writing at work and also write in the evenings, especially while chatting with my alpha/beta readers. So... could be pretty much anytime I’m in front of a computer, which is... most of my waking hours, most of the time.

+How often do you write?

Once again: not damn much lately because things have been a bit. wild. But prior to The Upheaval, pretty much five or six days a week (I would do five-ish days a week Going To Work to write, plus a semi-regular evening meetup one night on the weekend to sit in a coffeeshop and write with other writers). 

I always always wanted to be a professional writer, so I was reading writing-advice books of the variety written by working SF/Fantasy writers when I was 10 or 11 and internalized all their advice, which certainly included the “if you want to write, write every day” chestnut, and so I knew that and could have repeated it with great assurance of its validity anytime since I was in middle school, but it was only maybe five or six years ago that I actually seriously connected that to my own writing practice, particularly in the sense of--whether you feel inspired or not, whether you want to or not, get some words out as regularly as you can.

+Do you take requests?

Only after we reach friendship level 7. Or if I have specifically opened myself up for requests for some very specific reason like a charity auction or something, and even then I will reserve the right to be really wary of your requests.

+Is there a genre or type of story you want to write but are hesitant to?

I avoid writing historically-set stuff because I know Just Enough to know how much research I would want to do to Get Things Right and that is a rabbit hole I don’t need to send myself down when I have so many modern-set ideas where I can just roll with it and put down any goofs to “well it’s like that in the Marvel universe” or “well it’s like that in the universe where werewolves became widely known about fifteen years ago in a lengthy revelation that was traumatic in various ways for basically all werewolves alive at the time, especially the children and teens who had to deal with this happening but had no control over how it affected them.”

For instance.

+Any inspirational quotes, videos, tricks, articles, etc that help you stay motivated?

...Prescription amphetamines mostly? I have the ADHD, so “staying motivated” to do literally anything is a deeply questionable proposition. What works a lot better is to have a pretty reliable schedule where there is a time, or multiple times, in the day when it is Time To Work On The Thing. And if I’m particularly stuck, such that I arrive at Time To Work On The Thing and just go blank, that is usually time to show the most recent bit of the story to someone and talk with them about what I’m doing next, because actually talking about it with another person tends to jump-start my brain into focusing on the thing and working out what’s next and sometimes does in fact stir up enough enthusiasm to get me going without it having to be Time To Make The Donuts.

+Go to page 7 of your WIP, skip to the 7th line, and share 7 sentences:

I have lots of things in progress but only one that is more than 7 pages long where the seventh page isn’t in a chapter already posted, which I have also worked on this month, SO. From the Ace!Bitty epic, slightly more than seven very long and winding sentences:

“I thought he was asking because it was how he felt, and I was trying to be a... good teammate, a friend--I was older, I was trying to look out for him. So I kept saying, oh, that doesn't seem so weird, and I think everyone feels like that sometimes..." 

Bitty laughed, and Jack grinned and pressed on, watching Bitty's face to see if he was properly lightening the mood.  

"He wound up taking me to the ace spectrum group on campus--oh, hey, Bits, there's a group for this, when you get back to campus, I know I still see their flyers around all the time, because it reminds me of that time. They're really friendly, they didn't even get mad at me and Shitty for showing up and being idiots at each other and everyone else."  

Jack paused, considering what would be an added selling point for anyone else, and added cautiously, "I think the cake at the meetings is from the grocery store, though." 

"From the--!" Bitty looked horrified. "But--what if there are little frogs just figuring this out, and they--"  

Jack did not point out that, in this department, Bitty himself was the frog just figuring this out.

Annnnd lazytagging whoever wants to do the meme! Say I tagged you, it’s cool, you’re allowed! :D

[resilientreader]

You already know how we work. 1 through 97 with the asks!

1. What’s your middle name? michelle  (mic-hell?)

2. What are you listening to right now? can’t help falling in love by haley reinhart

3. What was the last thing you ate? poptarts

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? u (haha mobile tumblr)

5. Do you drink? no

6. Do you smoke? no

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? the way they carry themselves/portray themselves to others

8. What is your hair color? dirty blond

9. What is your eye color? grey-ish blue

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? yeah i wear glasses

11. Dogs or cats? give me all the fucking furballs

12. What’s your favorite animal? i wouldn’t be able to decide, there are too many good ones.

13. What’s your favorite television show? modern family is neat

14. What’s your favorite movie? uh,,i rlly like pitch perfect actually, from what i remember it was neat

15. What’s your favorite band/singer? i can’t really choose on a favorite, considering there are so many good ones, but mcr, relient k, mindy gledhill, and regina spektor are all near the top.

16. How old are you? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

17. Do you have a crush on anyone? My girlfriend

18. What’s your sexual orientation? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

19. What’s your favorite color? gray

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? existing in itself is embarrassing

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? yeah sometimes

22. What were you like when you were a kid? i was,,,immature

23. What would your dream house be like? books literally everywhere, rlly cozy and warm, soft colors and plush things literally everywhere.

24. What last made you laugh? a shitpost

25. What is your favorite word? perpetual

26. What is your least favorite word? can’t

27. What turns you on? a light switch

28. What turns you off? hey what do you know, it’s that same switch

29. What is your star sign? capricorn

30. What are your favorite books? harry potter series

31. Do you have any siblings? yeah, 3 of them

32. Do you like to dance? not often

33. What is your definition of cheating? being untruthful and going behind another’s back for personal gains and/or doing it out of fear

34. Have you ever cheated on someone? no

35. Do you regret anything? my existence

36. Do you have any phobias? yes plenty

37. Ever broken any bones? yeah, i snapped my femur in half once bc an old tv fell on it

38. Ever come close to death? yeah, when i snapped my femur in half bc the tv could’ve fallen on my head or w/e if i didn’t pull a sonic move

39. What is your religion, if any? i dont really have a set religion, i’m more just gonna let fate take the reins on what happens after i die and accept that really any religion could be true

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? no

41. Are looks important in a relationship? not at all

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? i’m pretty neutral on both of them, because i have some of my mom’s traits and some of my dad’s but i’m also like neither of them so

43. What is your favorite season? winter

44. Do you have any tattoos? no

45. Do you have any piercings? yeah

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? like,,,2-3

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? not really

48. Who is your celebrity crush? no one

49. Are you a virgin? yeah

50. Do you get jealous easily? not really i dont think

51. What is your favorite type of food? dessert 

52. Do you ever want to get married? sure, if i find the right person for it

53. Who was your first kiss with? i still haven’t had a kiss yet lmao (my girlfriend is like,,,online so?)

54. Have you ever been cheated on? i’m too oblivious to know

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? spending an evening/night just sitting w my so and talking to each other about everything. listening to them tell their life story, telling me their favorite things, things they think, really anything about them. we’d be cuddling and just having a nice conversation until the early hours of the morning, or even just laying there together in silence.

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? fuck yeah

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? being able to draw or like sing

59. What is your saddest memory? frankly would rather keep this one to myself

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes

61. Do you believe in soul mates? yes and no

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? no

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? not that i’m aware of

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? it depends on what i’d need the money for

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? i’m lactose intolerant (but completely disregard the fact and gorge on ice cream haha), the last time i drew something was months ago, and no one i don’t think has ever heard or experienced the full extent of my emotions/issues/being

66. Who are you jealous of? i’m not really jealous in general??? like i can’t name anyone who i’ve specifically been jealous of before????

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? sometimes

68. How long was your longest relationship? the one i’m in, actually

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? why do i have half of a glass anyway

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? flirt with me

71. Who is your most loyal friend? not too sure

72. Are you in a relationship? yes

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? she’s so kind and enchanting and jfkfkjgk you don’t understand i don’t have a favorite thing there’s too many wonderful and amazing things about her, saying one good thing about her feels like it’d just omit everything else about her

74. Are you a bad person? i’m not the best judge for that

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? i think a lover, i’m not too sure

76. What did you do on your last birthday? stayed lowkey

77. What is your favorite quote and why? i don’t have a favorite quote, but i enjoy quotes that explore topics that are more spiritual rather than intellectual or anything

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? i would die inside along with their physical death

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? that one answer on that one test (aka ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? send messages to everyone i value telling them about how much i value and appreciate them before writing some last words

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? uh one time i dreamed that my family had a plushie contest in my old house and i had a python plushie that turned into an actual python, then at some point it started raining and like,,,,nutcrackers and giant gummy bears attacked my house???? and i lead???? some sort of attack against them?????? then woke up???

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? it depends on who i’m/i’d be in a relationship with

83. Who were you in a past life? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i can’t remember

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? this one christmas when i got a dog plushie bc it was,,so pure (i still have him)

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? like,,,once

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? yeah, lots of them

87. If you were the president, what would you do? implement new policies on equality and help square away the country’s budget, along with working towards making the government more unified and,,,you know, stuff like that

88. What is your ideal career? either being an author or a psychologist, both are really neat

89. What is your political affiliation? lmao idrc about politics

90. Are you conservative or liberal? again idc about affiliating myself with one or the other

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? both are beautiful, no matter the shape

92. Do you like kissing in public? yeah i’m fine with it

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? the fact that people can’t accept that people and opinions can differ from their own views and/or values

94. Where would you like to live? scotland

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? alaska

96. Describe yourself in one word. conflicted

97. Describe yourself in one sentence. a mess that won’t change.

[prinxiety-logicalitysanderssides]

1-97 NOW ITS UR TURN I DONT EVEN CARE THAT THIS IS MY MAIN U GOTTA SUFFER TOO

I. BLOODY. DID. IT. ITS TAKEN ME /TWO DAYS/ BUT I’VE DONE IT @princeyandanxiety and I’m tagging @use-it-ironically Ironi u do it too pls. I was subjected to this after I subjected Bella to this so now u have to.

Btw this is NSFW ( some of it) and mentions suicide/depression cause I went there. There is some serious truth tea in this god damnit. I put thought and love into this. And also memes but mostly LOVE and boredom. I also feel like I forgot to answer a question or two but whatever. This is 97 questions long. And it’s 2818 words.

By the end of this, you will understand that I am a wreck

Ask me things1. What’s your middle name? No.

2. What are you listening to right now? The sound of typing cause I’m not listening to music. Also the sound of my breath and the wind in the trees. V/ relaxing. (( that was yesterday, today I’m listening to MCR and sanders Sides videos at a loud volume on chromecast on my tv))

3. What was the last thing you ate? ¼ of a cup of icing sugar. I ate it out of the measuring cup lmao.

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mum. I do talk to other people, I swear! I’m just not good at phone calls

5. Do you drink? No and I won’t in the future. Lemonade all the way if I have to drink smth.

6. Do you smoke? No and I never ever will.

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? Someone as in??? Random or??. In Randoms I usually notice people’s faces and then clothes, especially if they’re eye catching. I notice memorabilia/fan stuff pretty quickly as well.

8. What is your hair color? Brown but I use hair dye to make it partially blue or purple or red sometimes. It doesn’t work very well unless I bleach my hair and I can’t do that till I’m 16 which sucks. I use hair spray every now and again, I have white hair spray and glitter hair spray, and I used to have blue as well. Glitters my favourite . I also have a full rainbow of hair chalk but my friends and I dropped it at one point during the Hair Incident of Grade Eight which is what I’m calling it now.

9. What is your eye color? Blue/Grey ish. 10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? Nope. My mum says I will if I keep looking at my screen for hours on end though. I don’t want glasses cause my 20/20 vision is serving me well and I like it.

11. Dogs or cats? Rabbits.

12. What’s your favorite animal? Rabbits/see above

13. What’s your favorite television show? Gilmore girls. Hands down the best.

14. What’s your favorite movie? I don’t really have one? Princess Bride, Sound of Music and the Captain America movies. Oh and Heathers.

15. What’s your favorite band/singer? I can’t choose but Alessia Cara comes to mind? Scars to your Beautiful? And MCR. And Panic! At the Disco and Fall Out Boy. I’m an emo nightmare tbh

16. How old are you? Bich no u can guess. I’m a minor tho.

17. Do you have a crush on anyone? No. But I want a girlfriend/datemate ( all the boys my age are awful and the girls/nonbinary people r better)

18. What’s your sexual orientation? Pansexual. To keep it simple anyway.

19. What’s your favorite color? Aqua blue/ the green of Australian forests

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? Going up on stage in like,, grade six, for a talent show, that I decided to volunteer for THAT DAY and literally singing which is fine but I kept shuffling not dancing and the other kid I was doing it with was kinda dancing and we fucking sucked. But I’m at a different school half the city away now thank god.

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? Characters in stories, yeah, but like, I want to be in their universe, with their mind and my mind combined so I’m more them than me but I also remember that I want to give people a piece of my mind and fix the universe and make everyone happy but also have angst before that. I project a lot tbh. Oh well.

22. What were you like when you were a kid? I ran away from the class a lot, a ‘difficult’ and 'problem’ child. I have ADHD.

23. What would your dream house be like? Huge, I would want to have lots of pets and secret rooms and a big library and have it surrounded by country side and let scouts have camps near by and stuff

24. What last made you laugh? There were a few things but I forgot damn. But probably my bunnies antics I swear they r ridiculous sometimes( all the time) (( that was yesterday, today its sanders Sides videos again whoops))

25. What is your favorite word ? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) its called a Lenny and I love it

26. What is your least favorite word? Poo. Or moist. Both are awful.

27. What turns you on? Coffee when I wake up

28. What turns you off? Sleeping pills

29. What is your star sign? Aquarius

30. What are your favorite books? TAMORA PIERCE’S 'The circle of Magic ’ quartet and all of its sequels and Tamora Pierces 'The Lionness’ quartet and her 'Protector of the small’ quartet, really, all of her books. Also the Obernewtyn series which is FUCKING AMAZING. ITS BY AN AUSSIE AUTHOR, ISOBELLE CARMODY WHO IVE MEET TWICE AND THEY R SMAZINGSOWNFKEFKWJCKD YES.

31. Do you have any siblings? Only child, suck it.

32. Do you like to dance?Yes, but I’m not a professional or up to date with the latest ~moves~

33. What is your definition of cheating? This is hard cause my definition is in my head but it’s hard to explain. I’m gonna try though.( ACTUALLY I’m gonna come back and write this later) (( lmao I never did go back and write this but it basically depends on what people in a relationship have agreed it to mean bc I’m tired and this is complicated))

34. Have you ever cheated on someone? No I’ve never dated anyone.

35. Do you regret anything? A few things. Not gonna get into them tho. I do regret not working harder in grade seven and eight.

36. Do you have any phobias? Not really no. I hate leeches with a fiery passion and there are spiders next to my shower which I don’t like but other than that, no.

37. Ever broken any bones? No and I’d like to understand what it feels like tbh

38. Ever come close to death? When I walk anywhere cause I’m yes. Does being suicidal back when I was eleven count? And the fact it recurs every now and again? Also

39. What is your religion, if any? I piece together my own world view, based on many philosophies and science.

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? I’m going to one rn actually. School counsellor who is great and has lollipops and also let my friends and I play monopoly in her office all lunch. I lost. The bell was about to go so I just flipped the board upside down cause why not? My friends made me clean it up lmao 41. Are looks important in a relationship? Depends

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? I pray I’m more like my mum as my dad is an awful person tbh

43. What is your favorite season? Whichever one I’m not sneezing in/ when it’s warm/ I don’t really have one

44. Do you have any tattoos? No 45. Do you have any piercings? I did have normal ear piercings but they grew over

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? None

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Have you met me

48. Who is your celebrity crush? Thomas Sanders

49. Are you a virgin? Again, have you meet me. YES. Obviously.

50. Do you get jealous easily? Define 'jealous’. I mean, kind of. Not usually.

51. What is your favorite type of food? Pasta.

52. Do you ever want to get married?Depends, I mean, LGBT marriage isn’t legal in Australia for whatever fucking stupid reason ( the reason is homophobic pollies, literally 90% of Australia wants fucking gay marriage goddamnit)

53. Who was your first kiss with? Lmao I haven’t had one

54. Have you ever been cheated on? See above

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? ?'not sure tbh?

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Extroverted introvert. I like meeting people and i have lots of friends but I also need my space. I’m an introvert.

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? After seeing the 'thingu’ video, I hope not. I do believe in other life but not as sentient as us? Well, at least I don’t think we will find any sentient aliens now that we elected trump tbh

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?Be a great dancer?

59. What is your saddest memory? Not today Satan

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe you can find someone aesthetically pleasing at first sight, at first talk, you can like them for their personality. So kind of? But not really. Movie love sucks tho. Unrealistic.

61. Do you believe in soul mates? Kind of. I wish we had a soulmate au irl

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? See above ( yes)

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?I don’t really look at gossip so??? No? They could be talking about me all the time lmao I got bullied from 11-13 years old but that’s different and now I can’t be fucking bothered to listen to bullies

64. Would you go against your moral code for money?Depending on the circumstances. I’m not evil. Very rarely would I ever do that and I have never actually done that.

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? . My teachers think I have asbergers(autism) and I agree but my parents don’t . NSFW as hell?? I mean most people would look at my chumb face and think I’m innocent i would guess. . I want a datemate? Like I haven’t really acknowledged that but like every opnow and again this Year and

66. Who are you jealous of? People who get more likes than me

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?Yes, but only if my bed is clean IE It has been washed within the last week. Sometimes I don’t wash my sheets for a month and i don’t want to subject my Rabbit toy to that. She’s thirty-nine years old.

68. How long was your longest relationship? No

69. Is the glass half empty or half full?Half empty, I drank half the water.

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Nsfw fanfiction for sanders sides. Nah, I don’t really know as I’m still in high school I’m in Grade Nine . So like? How would I know? (But seriously pls write more nsfw)

71. Who is your most loyal friend? My best friend Addy? ( she was the one we tried to comb her hair) or you people

72. Are you in a relationship? Ok this is getting annoying

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Come ON.

74. Are you a bad person? Depends. Is the scale puppies to trump or a grumpy cat to trump. Cause I’m in the low-middle of the first scale and at the bottom of the second.

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? I wanna fite but I don’t bite and I’m usually just high as a kite.

76. What did you do on your last birthday? Like… nothing. Mum and I have to save money for scout camps ( there’s a big Venture I’m going on at the start of next year, AV2018) and I couldn’t be bothered to have a birthday party when I would have to have one just before or after term starts, my birthday is the 24th of Jan. Usually I have my party like a week after school starts again but I couldn’t be bothered.

77. What is your favorite quote and why? “I’m sceptical that you could, yet intrigued that you may” I got it off a screenshot on tumblr ALSO “What are you looking at?” “ Something Replusive” “I’m not a mirror Karen” from the fanfiction Iris Zero, my fav Hetalia fan fic about Romerica. Also “I’m hella pan with a hella plan” off tumblr.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? I would be a fucking wreck and I’m not gonna think about it.

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? If i went back and time and changed smth, i wouldn’t be me anymore, but I would go back and get a proper depression diagnosis bc we knew I had it but I’m a good actor so the doctors couldn’t diagnose the kid who was fucking suicidal great job Australia ANYWAY

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? My mum texted me this morning ( btw I did this ask over a couple days) with 'If you die today would you like the last thing you spent your precious life hours on to be tumblr??’ I responded with 'yes’ to be a bitch and also bc I kinda would? I would get all my friends and all of the food I wanted, write my will, etc. I’d go fucking ridiculous with what I’d do tbh. All the adventurous activities .

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? One time when I was 11, I had a dream I was a princess with a guy servant and a girl lady in waiting/servant and we were all bffs, ( looking normal so far lmao), and then we were getting chased around my kingdom by a guy with a floppy dick which was flopping around like a bendy/wobble pencil. Both friends sacrificed themselves to stop him and made me keep running away lol

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? I don’t know

83. Who were you in a past life? The human embodiment of Anxiety Sanders

84. What is your happiest childhood memory?Lazy sunny days with my mum. Chores and relaxing. Cooking.

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Not,,,, really,, see above, I,, haven’t really had any experience with love

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? I don’t think so?

87. If you were the prime minister , what would you do? Fucking Marriage Equality, Safe schools is mandatory, sexual assault/homelessness/youth in crisis support is fucking fixed and improved, Scouts is connected to schools, primary school system revised, improved and fixed, high school system improved, counselling is better overall, science in all grades, maths teaching is improved over all, teachers can get constructive criticism from students and will LISTEN to them. Abuse is redefined as both emotional and psychical and people start to understand that, neurodivergents are fucking accommodated more, same for disabled people. Mental illness are listened to for fucks sake.

88. What is your ideal career? Engineer, scientist, musician, YouTuber, anything that makes me happy and makes people happy and supports people. I also want money tbh so A) i can donate to charity B) i want to transition and all I fucking love memey products.

89. What is your political affiliation?/90. Are you conservative or liberal? Liberal. When I vote, I will weight my options and choose which ever is the least awful tbh. I’m an intersectional feminist meaning I support poc, the wider LGBT+ community, feminism, people with mental illness, neurodivergents and disabled people.

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection?Male doesn’t get periods so u decide

92. Do you like kissing in public? I’ve seen people kiss in public ONCE in my life so like?? Do what you want

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? Unlike my prime minister answer, I’m thinking smaller here : everyone is allowed to transition/get married/ all LGBTAI+ rights are legalised

94. Where would you like to live? Huge house full of secret tunnels and it’s all waterproof and I keep rescue pets and secretly help refugees there so they can get a normal life again. There would be huge libraries. In the countryside as well. Tazmania probably. Or Melbourne in a nice house with my rabbits and datemate/s

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation?I’d want to go on a world tour and meet all my mutuals and the people I am fans of.

96. Describe yourself in one word.Chaotic ( good lmao)(( jk every time i take that chaotic/neutral/lawful quiz I get lawful good but lawful good is was I aspire to be and chaotic good is what I am. ))

97. Describe yourself in one sentenceVery. Fucking. Complicated. Wreck. Who Loves All My Mutuals and Friends So Much.

[excusemymind]

If You Stay

Prompt: Adore is a sugar baby, and it's always hard to keep a daddy because she gets too emotionally attached, but Roy sticks around.  

Note/Vent: Where I live is already Thursday, which is my favorite day of the week, so I decided to post this even though it’s not finished, and I won’t promise I will post weekly, but I guess it’s better than nothing, right? This also got some Witney on the side. Please be patient with me, I know exactly where I want to take this story and I’m excited to write it, but right now my state in a truly civil war, we have no police on the streets and it’s a caos, so I really don’t have the mind to do a thing, not even the things I like. Please pray if that’s your thing, or send good thoughts, this is a not a good way to live. It’s not proof read cause I didn’t want to bother anyone to do it and it was a last minute decision to publish it... But I hope you enjoy the fic anyway, and follow me on twitter, I swear I’m nice. 😘

Adore adjusted her long blonde hair on the mirror, taking one final look before leaving. She checked the time on her phone and ordered an Uber. On the car, she texted excited as it drove her through the city, the night outside looked involving and full of life.

When she entered the restaurant, her eyes looked for Austin’s instantly. She grinned at the sign of him and walked to meet him, but when he looked up and saw her, he didn’t smiled as big like he used to. His mouth formed a line, like a condescending smile, being sorry for something.

“Hi!” Adore greeted him in her always excited demeanor.

Austin stood up as Adore reached to hug him, she gave him a kiss on the cheek and then he pointed the chair in front of him, telling with the gesture for her to sit. He felt tense under her touch, but Adore didn’t seemed to care about it, he would loosen up.

“Should we order?” Austin asked and grabbed the menu.

“Sure!” Adore answered, he looked a little distracted too, so Adore had an idea. “Drinks first?”

“Yeah, sure.” He nodded and looked through the menu, his hand up, calling for a waitress.

“So, how are you feeling?” Adore asked once their orders had been taken.

“I’m fine, thank you,” Austin’s fingers ran through his grey hair. “You?”

“I’m great.” Adore answered.

Through the dinner she tried to make conversation, but Austin seemed a bit off. His answers were vague and almost monosyllabic, his attitude was a new one that Adore didn’t had experienced yet and so far wasn’t enjoying. But then again, she would give it a try, that’s why she was there for, to cheer him up and be his company through the night, usually they would end up in a hotel bedroom.

She smiled sadly as the man in front of her looked so different from the one she got used. She loved the way he looked at her in public but she could know his intentions, she loved the look on his face when he showed something he brought to her, she loved how he treat her and somehow she found comfort on him. It was a rule to not get attached but Adore was a very romantic one, and a little bit of attention made her fall in love with anyone, this lead her to too many disappointments but she never apologized for it.

“Where to now?” Adore inquired as Austin paid for the dinner, she was excited to hang out.

“Nowhere.” Austin said, uneasy. Ador stared confused at him, and he took a deep breath, he was not going to avoid this anymore, he couldn’t. “I think we should go separate ways. I loved to meet you and you’re lovely but I have to cut this off.”

“What?” Adore asked, surprised. “Why?”

“I’m sorry but I feel like you became too attached to me,” Austin explained. “We had fun, but that’s all, I’m not looking for a relationship.”

Adore covered her face with both hands, with shame and anger and the familiar disappointment inside her. She wasn’t in love, that would be the wrong place to look for it but she couldn’t help feel some kind of heartbreak. She liked the company and being spoiled. Then she realized she was just going to miss the money, college was her main concern right now, she would have to look for someone else, and looking was the worst part in her opinion.

“Okay.” She said after recomposing her face. Austin looked at her quite relieved for her reaction, and because he took a weight off his shoulders. “I guess this is goodbye, then.”

“I guess so.” Austin agreed with a sad grin, probably his first real reaction of the night.

He walked Adore out and waited by her side for her taxi, which she insisted in getting even though he offered to drive her home, but she wanted the ride alone to let her mind wander. She hugged him and kissed his cheek for the last time, there was no resentment between them.

On her ride home, Adore stared outside the window. She didn’t let anything bother her for now, she just stayed in silence and her head for once obligated to keep quiet. She took off her heels as soon as she got home, throwing them anywhere.

“Court?” She called but no answer came, there was no signal of her roommate. Adore changed her night clothes for something more comfortable and walked around the place, not exactly sure what to do.

She grumbled and fell into the couch. Austin was the fourth sugar daddy that broke up with her because she got too invested into it or mixed things between them, and honestly it was no one else’s fault but hers. She shook it off and grabbed her laptop, she needed to find a replacement and she didn’t have time to waste.

Looking through the profiles she found many picky guys who were usually not that good looking, she marked as favorites the few ones that didn’t seemed douche and lived near, and obviously could spoil her enough. After a few hours she gave up, it didn’t feel like a progress at all, none of the guys she saw looked that promising. She turned off her laptop and closed it, leaving it in the living room as she went for her well deserved sleep, tomorrow she would go daddy hunting again.

Adore woke up with the sounds of what could only be Courtney cooking. She stretched herself lazily on the bed and made her way to the kitchen, where she found the other blond swinging her hips and humming a song.

“Morning.”

“There you are! Good morning.” Courtney greeted Adore, always so energetic that soon. “I made omelette, do you want some?”

“No, thank you.” Adore looked for the liquid that made her function. “Just coffee for me now.”

“I thought you weren’t coming home last night.” Courtney said as she sat in the kitchen stool and started to eat her meal.

“Me either.” Adore confessed, pouring some coffee on a mug and taking a sip right after.

“So what did you get?” Courtney loved to know what the sugar daddies bought to her friend, specially because Adore would let her borrow a thing or two.

“Nothing.” Adore shrugged. “He ditched me.”

“Oh no! Really?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry, I’ll get another one.” Adore said because she paid everything on her life with the money she would get from the guys she went out, rent and college included, she didn’t have a job.

“That’s okay.” Courtney showed some support towards her friend.

“Speaking of which, I’m gonna check it out.” Adore stood up and went to where she had left her laptop last night and brought it to the kitchen counter. She finished her coffee as it turned on and she logged into the site, it showed who had visited her profile and she went to check them back.

It was the usual kind of white old guy using it to get sex, they clearly didn’t know how this was supposed to work. At the bottom of the list she saw someone that caught her eyes and she clicked on his profile. His skin was in a beautiful shade of brown-ish, his smile was quite perfect and he had some cute dimples, by the photos he choose to share he looked quite fun, always around people, drinking and getting adventurous.

“Oh, he’s cute.” Courtney said, peaking at Adore’s laptop.

“He is, isn’t he?” Adore turned the laptop a little more for Courtney to see. “He seems nice too.”

“What does it say? What is he looking for?” Courtney asked as she finished her meal.

“It says he’s a businessman, he’s 41, travels a lot obviously, and would like a company to go out whenever he had free time, something casual. He’s from NYC but is in LA just as much, has two dogs, he is chill and doesn’t like drama, likes smart girls that can keep a conversation, doesn’t like lazy people and smokers…”

“That’s too bad for you, next then.” Courtney teased.

“Fuck off!” Adore gave her the middle finger after she laughed. “Should I text him?”

“Sure, why not?” Courtney shrugged and Adore seemed to think what she should say.

She stared at the screen without knowing how to start the conversation, her last sugar daddies didn’t last long and she wanted it to change, for at least once keep one around for a bit more, so she thought about what approach would be cool.

Hi, Adore cringed as she typed, she really wasn’t the one to start conversations when she knew nothing about the other person. You stood out and got me curious to know more about you, the things you like and are looking for, hopefully we’ll have a few in common, and if we do, we could meet whenever you’re in LA xx. She checked twice and read it out loud for Courtney, and with her approval she hit send. It was done, if he didn’t reply to her he was an asshole missing out because she clearly would be fun to hang with, but lowkey she would be disappointed. There was a bit of interest on him, it was just something about him Adore felt attracted to, he got her wondering.

She decided to finally eat something as her stomach protested loudly. When she was done, Adore grabbed her books and worked on her sketches until it was time for lunch and get ready for her classes at the afternoon. As she was about to leave, Adore went to turn it off her laptop and take it with her but there was a new message on the screen.

I wouldn’t mind spending some time with a pretty girl like you and get to know you. I’m actually in LA right now but I leave on Monday, if you’re free tomorrow night we could talk over dinner, sounds good to you?

She felt good that he answered, it made her feel that the message she sent wasn’t that bad at least, so she excitedly replied back.

Sounds great, I’m free tomorrow. Here’s my number, text me what time and where should we meet.

She turned it off and grabbed it, taking it with her for her classes. While she was on her way, she was planning what clothes would she use, always asking for Courtney’s opinion too. They would meet at a bar after class, after last night’s fiasco she could really use some drinks.

“Isn’t it too soon?” Courtney asked once they were settle down. “You barely spoke to him.”

“That’s what the dinner is for, I guess.” Adore explained. “If he does like me then he’ll want to meet up again.”

Courtney like a sister, Adore could feel how she got protective and worried with her, which was really nice, having someone caring about you. She assured her that everything would turn out fine and Courtney seemed to trust Adore and enjoy the night.

“Okay, so how about this one?” Adore turned around and showed Courtney the dress she was holding in front of her body and Courtney wrinkled her nose.

“Maybe another one,” Courtney suggested, scanning the room for another option. “That one, you can’t never go wrong with black. You don’t want to give the wrong impression. Besides, it will look great with your hair and accentuate your eyes.”

Adore then reached for the dress her friend had pointed and looked at herself with it in the mirror, holding in front of her body like she did with the other ten others, and Courtney was right, this was the chosen one. The message she got after waking up put her in a good mood.

Hi, this is Roy, we’re meeting tonight. There’s this restaurant that I went once and I was looking forward to go again, so here’s the chance. I hope you like italian cuisine, I reserved a table for us on Mosconi at 7pm.

She had to be flawless. The sugar daddies always liked when the girl was clean, pretty and took good care of herself. So, with the help of Courtney, she did pedi and mani, waxed her legs, bikini line and all other spots. When they finished, she was smooth as silk. She did her hair and took her time putting makeup, the black dress fit her body perfectly without showing much or being too covered.

“Whose Victoria Secret’s angel’s boyfriend are you trying to get?” Courtney asked from the door where she looked at Adore. “Because you might get all of them.”

“I would so do myself right now.” She said, looking at her reflection at the mirror and then laughing. She grabbed her belongings and went to the living room as she ordered an Uber. “Is Willam coming to stay with you?”

“Yes.” Courtney said, an unusual shy smile on her face.

“Have fun.” Adore winked at her and walked closer, leaning down to place a kiss on her cheek.

“You too.” Courtney said as Adore walked to the door. “Text me if something goes wrong.”

Adore waved and left, the car was just waiting for her and the restaurant wasn’t far away. She felt a little excited as she sat on the car seat, nervous to be meeting this new guy and practicing on her head the ways to not screw this off, she could not have the luxury of having him walking away disinterested. She checked herself on the mirror as the car stopped on its destiny and she took a deep breath as the door opened and she stepped out.

“Good evening.” The hostess greeted as Adore entered the place.

“Hi, Roy is waiting for me.”

The hostess then checked on the screen, touching it sometimes. “Follow me, please.”

As she walked, Adore looked at the restaurant she had never been before. It was large but not crowded, comfy, in contrast with the rustic walls, the high ceiling gave it a classy air.

“Adore?”

The voice caught Adore on surprise, she didn’t realized she got so distracted with the place around her. Her eyes landed on the man standing in front of her, across the table, and she had a hard time to think clearly. Standing across the table was a beautiful man in his black suit and white shirt, with black jeans, his hair was threw to the back and the whole vision of him screamed classy and yet casual. His skin tone was just was beautiful and at the same color of his eyes, which Adore knew she was staring but couldn’t stop either.

The blank look on his face was like he was waiting for a reaction for Adore, which didn’t came, she was staring at him for a long second, speechless. He didn’t know if he should approach and might scare her, so to try to make her feel anything at all, he smiled hoping her expression would relax.

It did work. Adore saw the dimples coming and it was like it all got worse, he was pretty enough at first, now he was absolutely killer, it was almost unfair. She tried her best to get her together and smiled back at him. She reached for her chair as she suddenly didn’t trusted her legs as much as she did ten minutes ago. She saw his pictures, she knew what he looked like. The thing with those kind of dates it that usually the guys are not that good looking, and she would do those kind of sacrifices for the money, for the gifs she would get even if sometimes their touches could make her feel disgusted. It was an act, she could pretend. But right now with Roy it seemed too easy, he was too pretty so that wouldn’t be a problem. That left him to be a ignorant type of guy, who she would spend the whole date waiting it was over and give it a smile or two while all he talked about was himself. That was it, Roy was that guy. She couldn’t help but feel already a bit disappointed.

“Are you okay?” He asked, looking concerned.

“Sure,” Adore answered and got her act on. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Roy affirmed. She still looked a little tense and he honestly didn’t knew where to start, or if he should. “Do you want to order a drink?”

“Yes, that would be great.” Adore nodded, alcohol would help her to not really pay attention to whatever he was about to ramble.

Roy rose his hand and soon a waiter was there taking their orders and left as soon as he came.

“I was going to ask about you but you seem a little nervous,” Roy said. “Do you want me to go first?”

“Okay.” Adore nodded and forced herself to not roll her eyes, of course he would talk about him and his companies, how busy he was, how he have no time for relationships because he’s too focused on work, how he likes to hike and hit the gym, that he doesn’t like drama or clingy girls, the places he traveled, his boring future plans.

“I’m a producer.” Roy started. “Amongst other things I won’t bother to tell you or otherwise you will be bored to death. I have two dogs, I like old movies, I’m not the best chef but I give it a try once in a while… I guess that’s it.”

Adore again was surprised by him, he didn’t say the things she was expecting. He wasn’t bragging or being cocky about how much he earns. He was nothing else like the guys she had meet before. “That’s.. nice.”

Roy just smiled at her. “How about you?”

“I’m a fashion student,” she said. “I live with a friend and I don’t have any dogs, I’m more of a cat person. And I like horror movies.”

She regret as soon as she said it. Roy was not looking for that, her true self, none of them were. They wanted a young sexy girl that they could fuck, not smart enough, nothing like Adore truly was. That was a question they didn’t intend to hear or remember.

The waiter came around with their drinks and Adore was relief for the break. She happily took her glass and took a sip, not as long as she wanted because she had to keep it classy.

“Fashion, uh?” Roy then brought back the topic once they both had a sip of their drinks. “It’s very interesting actually, it’s not just about clothes or making money, there’s a whole cultural meaning behind it.”

“It does.” Adore nodded, amazed with him having such a knowledge about a subject she liked.

Roy was the one to always bring a subject to keep the conversation going, he didn’t mind that. It flew more naturally as they found shared interests and Adore relaxed around him, she was stunning and such much more than that. He loved how her vision was different than his in some aspects, how her view was open minded and liberal.

It had to have something wrong with him, it was too much to be true. Adore waited and waited for anything to go wrong, a camera show up, anything at all. But there was Roy smiling and being just adorable and funny, a gentleman.

"Are you single?" Adore asked, that had to be it.

Roy looked at her for a second before answering. "Does it matter?"

"It does if someone might come up to threaten me." Adore definitely wasn’t gonna go through that, she might as well just let it clear from the beginning. She was not about that, she loved herself way too much.

"Good thing you don't have to worry about that." Roy answered, raising his glass for a moment before taking a sip.

He was intriguing to say the least. She was still looking for something, not more than before as he proved himself to be just perfect. And he was not afraid to answer anything Adore threw his way, which made it harder, he seemed to be enjoying all her questioning. By the time dessert came Adore ran out of questions, which was rare. She ate it quiet wondering what his next move would be.

“Well, Adore, thank you for your company on dinner.” Roy said once he paid.

Adore was shocked, was he dumping her?

“It was great.” Adore offered, unsure.

“Do you want me to call you a cab?” Roy asked.

“Okay.” She agreed and they left the place, Roy’s hand on the bottom of Adore’s back as they walked out. The touch didn’t made her feel any better, she thought they had went great, she thought he would asked for to come to his hotel room or whatever. She felt pissed, because she lost a sugar daddy and she would have to look for a new one in the morning. She felt rejected, because she looked so damn beautiful and he didn’t even wanted to fuck her. She felt disappointed, because she couldn’t deny the attraction between them. Or at least she thought there was some.

There was not a single taxi in sight, it was like they were avoiding this street specially to make her suffer even more, as if it wasn’t embarrassing enough. Roy was still by side, looking calm and patient as Adore tapped her foot, impatient.

“Ugh.” She didn’t want to seem a brat but she was getting frustrated, she just wanted a damn taxi.

“It seems like you’re out of lucky.” Roy said. “I can drop you off.”

“No, it’s okay.” Adore declined.

“I won’t mind.” Roy said again. “It would be a pleasure.”

Adore didn’t want to bother him, but she just wanted to call it a night. It wasn’t far, and she had done her waiting. “Okay.”

Roy then lead her to his car, opening and closing the door for Adore before walking around to get in. Such an fashioned way and yet so fitting for in and so adorable. Adore was getting angry at him.

“Where to?” He asked as he put his seat belt on and in the light darkness inside the car he looked irresistible. Adore wanted to both scream and kiss him, instead, she gave him his address.

Soon enough they got there, Roy parked just in front of her building. “I think that’s you.”

“That’s me.” Adore gave him a weak smile. “Thanks for dinner.”

“It was my pleasure.” Roy said, ever so goddamn polite.

Adore nodded in silence, she waited for a minute too long for Roy to make a move, but he didn’t and she left. He waited until she was inside the building to leave, making sure she was safe.

“What happened?” Courtney asked, stopping mid makeout session with Willam on the ouch as she saw the door opening and a blank faced Adore waking in.

“I have no fucking idea.” Adore robotically walked past them, closing her bedroom door behind her as she walked in. She fell on the bed and she couldn’t help but think about this date that was not on the top of the best dates she ever had and also the worse. She had a million of emotions on her body and running through her head as she laid on her bed in the darkness.