#but he left without a word to chuuya. almost as he he didn't want to see chuuya

[evilkaeya]

okay I've wondered for a long time on Chuuya's phrasing about Dazai leaving the PM. All the translations I've seen Chuuya specifically says "the night you fled" and idk if I've ever seen somebody talk about that

Because like he could have said betrayed, left, or abandoned but he says fled. And something about that is just so sympathetic and ??? but like have you talked about that at all/will you talk about it?

Hmm interesting question. I've never thought about this. Do you think that maybe Chuuya knew that Dazai left without a word because he was too afraid to say what his heart ached to say? Do you think Dazai considered asking Chuuya to come with him but changed his mind last moment? Maybe that's why Chuuya says "fled" specifically because Dazai fled from his emotions instead of facing them. Because he fled from Chuuya.

[luvfy0dor]

“Forgetting Something? ♡⁠˖” BSD Men x GN!Reader ੈ✩‧₊˚

╰┈➤ Osamu Dazai, Chuuya Nakahara, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Nikolai Gogol, Sigma

Warnings; I feel bad for writing this out, hardly proofread, kinda rushed, maybe ooc

Description; how do they react to you ignoring their 'i love you's?

A/n; hi chat. If I keep flopping I am going to sell my soul. Like, reblog, and comment on this I pray and plead and beg. I've been havin a rough time guys pls.

Osamu Dazai ★

"I'll be back soon, I love you." He said, grabbing his jacket. Instead of the usual response, all he got from you was silence. He raised a brow and cleared his throat while buttoning up his coat. "I said I'll be back soon, I love you." He says, this time emphasizing his words. You hummed, your nose still buried in the book that your boyfriend had so kindly borrowed from Kunikida to give to you. His mouth hung open slightly and he straightened his posture. "Do you want anything while I'm out?" Dazai asked, his hand lingering on the doorknob as he stalled. "Ehhh, not really. Thank you, though.'" You turned a page, kicking your feet back and forth slowly while you read. "Alright, back in a bit, I love you." He twisted the door handle and waited for you to reply, only to once again hear silence. He sighed in annoyance and walked back over to you, leaving the door agape. "I said I love you, say it back!" He takes the book out of your hands, tossing it to the side without letting you mark your place. "Hey-! I was reading that!" You say with a grin. He tsks and shakes his head playfully, leaning over you and essentially pinning you to the couch to kiss you. "Just say it back." He murmurs against your lips in between brief pecks to your face. "F-fine! I love you!" You finally get out while giggling. "Good, you had me thinking you had fallen out of love with me! Now I'm leaving for real, even though you made me not want to. I love you." He says before kissing your lips quickly and backing up to the door. "I love you too, Osa."

Chuuya Nakahara ★

"I'm headin' out, 'kay babe?" Chuuya quietly said, his voice just above a whisper in the dark bedroom. It was about 5:30 am, and you were still curled up under the blankets, grateful that you didn't have to leave until 7. "Mmmm.." you hummed and lifted your arm from under the blanket to give him a quick hug and kiss before he left. He cupped your cheek and ran his thumb acrossed your skin before he pulled away. "I love you." He says, standing back up. Instead of responding like usual, you just pulled your blanket back up to your shoulders. He stared down at you with his hands on his hips, waiting. "...are you done gettin' comfy yet?" He asks, helping you move the blanket around and essentially tucking you in. "Yeah, thanks Chuu." You murmur before you yawn and close your eyes. He continues to stand there before sighing and grabbing his jacket off the hook on the door. "Alright, see ya when I get home I guess." Slight annoyance was evident in his voice before you peeked open your eyes again. "Mkay, I love you too, have a good day at work." Chuuyas frown almost turned upside down immediately as he came to an abrupt stop. "Jeez, don't take so long to say that next time. Had me worried." You giggled, still curled up. "I will, I promise." And with that, Chuuya was off to work with a small grin plastered on his face and your simple 'i love you too' lingering in his heart longer than usual this morning.

Fyodor Dostoevsky ★

Fyodor had recently returned from his adventures in Europe, and even after a week passed, you still couldn't help but be overtly affectionate. You were almost sure that 'i love you' and 'i missed you' were your top phrases in the passed week. But what if you just didn't say it? You decided to indulge in your curiosity one evening while the two of you were in bed. He sat, propped up against his pillow, watching some documentary on the TV. You were cuddled up to his side and his arm was draped over your shoulders. Every now and again, he'd glance down at your nearly-asleep form, rubbing his hand on your shoulder and down your back. "Goodnight, moya lyubov, I love you.'" He leaned down to kiss your forehead, smiling as you open your eyes. He waited to hear you say it back, only to watch you close your eyes again. He felt a bit confused, raising an eyebrow. "Have you gotten everything out of your system and won't tell me you love me anymore?" He asks, retracting his arm from its place around you to his lap. "No, Fedya, m'sorry, I love you too. I just wanted to see what you'd do." You say, grabbing his arm and putting it around you yourself. He sighed. "what a stupid thing to to." He mumbles, continuing to hold you, but returning his attention to the documentary. "I love you, Fyodor, I promise." You mumble, kissing his side through his shirt. "Mhm, I love you too." You smiled contently and felt yourself slip off into a dreamy sleep, happy to know that he cared whether or not you say 'i love you' back.

Nikolai Gogol ★

Nikolai, like Fyodor, had ALSO just returned from his trip to Europe, except he was equally as all over you as you were him, not to say Fyodor isn't affectionate. Nikolai would cling to you every chance he got, always peppering your face with kisses and fiddling around with your fingers. "Ah, I'm still so happy to be home, y/n. I missed you so much while I was away! Not that I never knew before, but it really made me realize how much I love you." He says with a smile, sitting on your lap and hugging you, his cheek pressed against your shoulder. "Did it?" Your finger tips ghost over his back, leaving goosebumps in their wake as they go. "Yeah. I love you a lot." He says. A thought crossed your mind, what would he do if you didn't say you loved him back? Well, I guess we've gotta find out. "Mmmhm!" You hum, resting your head on top of his. "Did you hear me right?" He asks with a raised eyebrow, picking up his head to look at you. "Yeah, you said you love me." You say, looking back and forth between his eyes and lips. "So say it back." He says. You sigh and rub his hip. "If you insist, I love you too, Nikolai. I'm sorry." He grins and kisses your cheek. "That wasn't that hard, now was it?" You run your fingers through his long hair. "No, not at all." He sighs. "Don't let it happen again, or else I'll see to it that it's the laat time." He huffs, returning to his spot resting against your shoulder. You patted his back, slightly amused by his words- he clearly cared. "Alright, Kolya, I'm sorry."

Sigma ★

You almost knew what Sigmas reaction would be before you stopped yourself from responding to his 'I love you'. You had fixed some tea for him and were bringing it into his office, holding the cup and saucer steadily as the sounds of your footsteps echoed in the hall. You knocked on the door and entered once you heard his muffled voice through the thick wood. "I brought you tea." You say with a smile, approaching his desk and handing it to him, which he took appreciatively. "Thank you, y/n, I appreciate it." He gave you a smile. "I'd like to finish what I'm doing by this evening so we can have some time together, or else I'd keep you here to talk for a bit, so I'll just have to see you later. I love you." He said, already redirecting his attention to the papers in front of him. "Okay, that's fine." You turned to leave and as you got about half way to the door, his head shot up. "Are you upset?" He asks, his brows knitted together. "No, why?" You ask, turning to look at him over your shoulder. "You didn't say it back." He says, putting his pen down and starting to stand up, but you put your hands out to stop him. "Oh, no, I'm sorry- I don't know why I didn't, I love you too. I'll see you later, alright?" You blew him a kiss and exited his office, leaving him a bit confused but at least a little reassured. He sat back down at his office as you closed the door behind you, and you felt a bit guilty, but in the end, you were too busy being excited for your guy's time together that night.

A/n: I DIDNT FINISH THIS UNTIL 10 MINUTES AFTER POSTING TIME BUT UH I MADE A STRAW PAGE LINK IN DIRECTORY YAYAYAYYA

[osarina]

ᡣ𐭩 OFFER ME MY DEATHLESS DEATH

FEATURING: dazai osamu

SUMMARY: one drunken encounter with dazai sends everything spiraling. suddenly, all of your problems are catching up to you at once and you're lost as to how you should proceed... or that's not entirely true—you know how you're going to proceed but it's impossible for you to come to terms with how far you've let this go.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: sorry that i haven't really been active this week </3 i've been so busy. ill try to get to asks and everything soon. forgive me</3 i hope you guys enjoy part 5, i rlly had fun writing this chapter. as always, comments and reblogs appreciated!

GENERAL WARNINGS: fem!reader, port mafia executive!reader, civilian!dazai, dazai's struggles w suicide & sh, reader partakes in mafia business, dazai isn't dazai without a bit of obsessiveness and possessiveness (the possessiveness doesn't come til later but the obsessiveness starts from day 0).

CHAPTER SPECIFIC WARNINGS: hardly edited - i've been busy. reader and dazai argue, reader is a bit intoxicated, dazai heavily implied suicide attempt (not outright said/described bc he can't remember, but he assumes that's what happened) & he dissociates, dazai is in a pretty bad mental state the first half of the chapter, i don't think i'm missing anything but pls lmk if i am, i didn't have time to reread

SEE: WASTELAND, BABY! SERIES MASTERLIST

You stopped seeking him out after that night.

Dazai sits in his apartment, knees curled to his chest and back pressed against the wall. He has to forcibly keep his breath steady—his homework for his engineering class is discarded somewhere to his left, he’d been working on it for class tomorrow before he made the mistake of checking his phone and seeing that you’d once again stopped reading his messages. 

Two days straight now of silence on your end. He could go to your apartment like he’s been doing for the past two weeks but every time he tries to push himself to his feet with the intention of going to you, he finds himself rooted to the ground. Your words ring damningly and persistently through his head—how you told Nakahara Chuuya that you’re only doing this because he found the proof of your occupation, how you told him that you tried to cut him off.

Dazai knew what he was doing by using the video as leverage over you. He knew he was forcing you into indulging him, that he was backing you into a corner, but he’d allowed himself to be blinded by your treatment of him. 

Even if it was coerced, no one has ever treated him the way you do—you remember the things he tells you off-handedly like he matters and you buy him the things he wants without him having to say anything like you care. You’re gentle with him—Dazai has only ever experienced bruising touches; Oda and Ango weren’t physical people and he can hardly remember his mother. He remembers the way his aunt dragged him out of the car kicking and screaming, tossing him to the ground in Suribachi before driving away. He remembers all of the nights he would get drunk at bars, ending up in strangers’ beds and waking up with a body that ached painfully and dark marks littered across his bandaged skin.

It’s hard to remember that you don’t actually want him when you treat him the same way he’s dreamed someone would treat him one day. It’s hard to remember that you turn your head away when he leans in to kiss you, that you ignore his lingering touches and change the subject whenever he almost gathers the nerve to bring the topic up to you.

You don’t want him. 

He’s forcing you to do this by using the video as leverage. 

You don’t want him. 

He rests his forehead on his knees. That gaping hole in his chest that had started to return that night after Nakahara Chuuya showed up at your apartment is all consuming now. His entire body feels numb and prickly, he feels uncomfortable in his own skin.

He needs to put a stop to this.

His gaze draws from his knees to the floorboard he’s hiding the flash drive under. He could just… get rid of it. Get rid of it and disappear—you probably wouldn’t even notice. Maybe you would, he remembers how you came to his apartment when you hadn’t heard from him after sending the couch. Then again, you might’ve only shown up because you wanted to lie about why you were cutting him off. Dazai just doesn’t know with you.

Maybe he should just go to talk to you. 

But if he talks to you… and the thought of leaving his apartment right now…

Dazai sighs, leaning back against the wall, tilting his head to look up at the ceiling, weighing both options carefully before coming to a heavy decision.

You’re not in your apartment when he gets there.

Dazai would usually wander around and find something to make himself busy with while he waits for you. You have a piano on the opposite side of the room that he sometimes likes to fiddle with—he’s taught himself a few basic songs while waiting for you to get back from work the past few weeks. He ordered a gaming console and a few games to go along with it when you made the mistake of leaving your laptop open last week, but he doesn’t even have the energy to go look for one; not that any are even particularly standing out to him. Sometimes, he just snoops around, but his legs feel like lead, like they’re bolted to the ground, so he just sits on your couch and stares at the black television screen as the minutes tick by.

He doesn’t even know how long he’s been sitting there—too long, it was still light out when he walked his way over to your building in Naka-ku and the sun had set a long time ago. He’s never felt lonely in your apartment before; in fact, he usually seeks out your apartment because he feels lonely and whether you’re here or not, it eases the void that grows in his chest.

But now? Each passing second, he feels colder and colder. A part of him thinks that he should take this as a sign and just leave, but his body is uncooperative, keeping him rooted to your couch as he awaits your return.

He’s planned out what he’s going to say to you; he’s rehearsed it in his head so many times that he thinks he could say the dreadful words while sleeping. Now, he just-

Dazai’s head snaps to the side when he hears the fateful ding of the elevator arriving at your floor. His eyes widen and his tongue swells with anxiety as he stares at the doors, his breath slows and his fingers bite into his pants as he waits to see you step into the room but when the doors finally start to slide open, he freezes when he hears laughter.

“I can’t stand you,” an unfamiliar male voice snorts and Dazai’s mouth dries as his gaze darts around, trying to figure out what to do. The last thing he wants is for a repeat of the other night—if this is another one of your mafia friends, Dazai has to move, but he doesn’t know where to go.

His gaze settles on a nearby hall leading to the bathroom and an unused room—it’s closer to him than the kitchen, he’d never make it to the kitchen because he’d have to go right past the elevator. His legs feel so heavy that it’s an effort for him to push himself to his feet. He almost stumbles right over them as he rushes into the spare room, keeping the door cracked open so he can hear and see what’s going on.

He peeks carefully through the crack, watching as two men enter your apartment—you’re with them and Dazai’s chest tightens painfully at the sight of you. You’re smiling as you lean against one of the men—Dazai recognizes him as the man who had come with you to his apartment complex the first time, he’d been waiting by the car for you—and you’re dressed prettily in a short black dress. You’re so dazzling to him that Dazai nearly tumbles right out of the room he’s hiding in, but luckily, he’s drawn out of his dazed state by another unfortunately familiar face: Nakahara Chuuya, the executive who had been at your apartment the other night.

Dazai quickly leans back into the room when the ginger’s eyes snap down the hall as if he could sense someone watching him. He lets out a puff of air as he looks around the empty room—he’d looked in here before when he first started coming to your apartment, but had been sorely disappointed by the fact that there was nothing in the room for him to snoop around in.

Now, he blinks because while the room is still mostly empty, there are some tools in here as if you’d had someone come in to take measurements to start building something in there. His gaze slides from the far wall to the one nearest to him, dragging his feet against the wood floors to slide his fingers against the lines drawn on the wall in pencil, realizing that it’s about the same size as the piano in the other room.

His throat tightens as he remembers your offer from the other day, wondering if you’d gone ahead and started having it done even after the argument with Chuuya and Dazai not showing up for two days. 

God, he doesn’t understand you—he doesn’t understand you at all. He starts to doubt every conclusion he’s come to the past two days because why would you go to these lengths for someone you don’t care about? For someone who’s forcing you into indulging him through blackmail? It doesn’t make sense, Dazai has never had so much trouble reading someone before you.

He leans against the wall, lashes lowering as he looks down at the floor. He doesn’t know what to think and now his well-rehearsed speech starts crumbling in his head. Distantly, he can hear the conversation between you and the other two mafiosos—you’re talking about something happening in Tokyo and Dazai wonders if it has anything to do with that argument from the other night.

But regardless of the topic of discussion, what matters more is that you sound happy. Your voice is light and airy, and you seem entirely unbothered by the fact that you hadn’t seen Dazai in days. Dazai doesn’t think you’ve ever sounded so happy with him before and why would you when he’s blackmailing you? Your laughter rings bright and pretty like a chime and Dazai feels sick to his stomach at the thought of you laughing like that for someone else; he imagines the way your laughter will fizzle when you see him, all of the liveliness in your face dying at his unanticipated appearance.

It feels like an eternity and all too soon at the same time when Dazai finally hears the two leave. He takes one deep breath, preparing to force himself out from where he’s hiding but then freezes at the sound of you raising your voice.

“Dazai, you can come out now.”

He blanches, staring at the partially closed door in front of him, half-debating on not even coming out because how did you know he was here? He thought he’d been careful, there’s-

“I know you’re somewhere in here, the cushion was warm where you were sitting.”

Dazai has half a mind to throw himself out of the window.

He takes in a deep breath as he pushes the door open, stepping out into the hallway that’s suddenly too cold and all too short. He swears it was twice as long when he was stumbling from the couch to hide in the spare room. His feet scuffle against the ground as he walks forward, not coming any closer than where the hallway meets your living room.

You’re laying on the couch he’d been sitting on, head resting back against the pillows and a curious expression on your face as you watch him. He can’t read it—if he didn’t know any better, he’d almost say it was fond, but he refuses to let that hope bubble up into his chest only for it to be crushed again. He thinks he should say something, tossing around a few options in his head, but he doesn’t get the chance to.

You hold out your hand to him. “Come here,” you say.

Dazai hesitates, eyes lingering on your extended hand before flitting back up to your face. He shouldn’t—he knows he shouldn’t—but he finds his feet moving forward before he can stop himself. He stands in front of you awkwardly for a moment, not sure what you want from him, but then his eyes shoot open when you reach out and grab his wrist, tugging him forward onto the couch with you. 

He pretends he doesn’t yelp when he lands on top of you, face flaming up when he shifts himself into a sitting position so that he’s straddling your waist, trying not to drop all of his weight onto you. He also pretends that he’s not entirely thrown off by the way your hands rest on his thighs, absently running them up and down the sides of them. 

“Where have you been the past few days?” you ask him quietly.

Dazai’s blood pressure spikes at the curious look you give him, as if he hadn’t been texting you for days with no response. He can smell the alcohol on you now that he’s closer and he wonders how much you drank—he thinks that’s probably why you looked so fond before and that’s probably why you’re suddenly being so touchy with him, it has nothing to do with him. That empty feeling in his chest starts to return.

He should have just left, should have just destroyed the flash drive and disappeared. 

“I texted you,” he replies tightly, feeling wildly uncomfortable as he’s unable to get a hold on the way he’s spiraling internally. “I can see you’ve been busy though.”

You tilt your head to the side as if you’re unsure of what he means and Dazai almost wants to get up and leave but the feeling of your hands on him, his lower body pressed to yours, it leaves him dizzy and slow. His breath catches as your hands slip beneath his sweatshirt, smoothing out against his bandaged sides, thumb drawing slow circles over the covered skin as if trying to calm him down.

Dazai thinks he might hate you.

He thinks he might hate himself more because it works. His heartbeat slows and relaxes into you a bit more. He wants to take you by the shoulders and shake you, wants to demand answers, wants to know if you actually care about him or if this is all just some big show for the flash drive. 

“I haven’t looked at my phone,” you finally say. “I’ve been the one dealing with the issues in Tokyo. It’s just been meeting after meeting the past few days. I thought you’d be here when I got back but you weren’t.”

Were you waiting for him? He wants to ask. Expecting him? Or are you just saying that because you can tell he’s unhappy and don’t want to deal with his attitude? Dazai just doesn’t know, it’s hard to concentrate with your hands on his body.

“Can we talk?” Dazai asks quietly after a few moments.

“What about?”

About the flash drive. About you. About him. Dazai doesn’t know—about everything. So, instead he just says: “About this.”

Instantly, you turn your head away from him and Dazai’s frustration rises at your attempt at blatantly ignoring him. He reaches out to grab your cheeks, forcing you to look up at him and Dazai’s breath catches when your lidded stare lands on him.

“I’m drunk,” you tell him flatly. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Bullshit,” Dazai immediately snaps, the pads of his fingers digging a bit too hard into your cheeks but you’re unfazed by it, staring up at him with an unreadable expression. “I think-”

Dazai doesn’t even have the chance to finish his sentence because you’re pushing yourself up from your laying position, one hand slipping out from his sweatshirt to cup the back of his head, the other still firm on his hip as you drag him down against you. Dazai’s breath catches when you press your lips against his, lashes fluttering shut. The hand on his hip slides around to his back, holding his body flush to yours—he lets out a low moan into your mouth when you nip at his bottom lip.

No, he thinks hazily, trying to push himself off of you but instead, his hands cup your cheeks and he tilts your head back to deepen the kiss. Your tongues dance in a way that leaves him dazed, it feels almost intimately familiar to him, somehow so in tune with one another that it’s like you’ve kissed hundreds of times before. 

He shouldn’t be doing this, he knows this. You said it yourself that you’re drunk, he knows you only kissed him to get him to stop talking but…Dazai sighs into your mouth when he feels the tips of your finger card through his hair, feeling you shift beneath him to let his hips slot between your legs.

But isn’t this what he’s wanted this whole time? 

Aren’t you finally giving him what you’ve denied him for weeks?

Your lips are intoxicating against his, and not because of the gin staining your tongue, he can hardly focus on anything with the way your tongue traces the back of his teeth, dragging against the roof of his mouth. He groans when you shift beneath him, one leg hooking around his waist. He separates his lips from yours to gasp for breath.

Shit, he thinks, lips parting when you kiss his jaw, trailing your lips to his ear to suck gently on the skin there before kissing slowly down his neck. He swears his entire body is on fire, breaths quick and shuddered; his mind feels so muddled and hazy that he has to actively tell himself to put a stop to this and even that is almost not enough.

It takes all of his willpower to push himself off of you, still breathing heavy, lips wet and swollen, his whole body tingling everywhere your lips and hands had touched. You stare up at him and Dazai’s body aches with need when he sees you’re nearly as breathless as he is, your own lips wet from his, eyes a bit glazed over. Heat burns in his lower abdomen but he can’t, not when he knows you’re drunk and not when he knows you’re only doing this to get him to stop talking.

Before Dazai can say anything, you look away from him again and he knows that it’s over.

“I’m tired,” you say. “Help me get to bed. We can talk in the morning.”

Dazai’s lashes lower as he nods, leaning down to help you to your feet. Even with your heels kicked off, you wobble on your feet, so he wraps an arm around your waist to keep you steady. The silence is almost foreboding as Dazai guides you up the stairs to your bedroom; you don’t make any move to break it, so Dazai does.

“We’re not going to talk about it in the morning, are we?” he asks quietly, looking down at you. You don’t look up at him and Dazai just wants you to at least look at him so when he gets you to the door of your bedroom, he stops and looks at you. You still don’t look at him. “Can you at least look at me?”

Dazai thinks he might be sick from the way you have to seemingly force yourself to look at him. Even drunk, he can see the displeasure plain on your face and it makes him want to curl in on himself again.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Dazai,” you finally say, your voice is tight. “I want to go to bed.”

“I want to talk about it,” Dazai stresses. “I-”

Frustration flies across your face, emotions loosened in your intoxicated state. You turn away from him and slam open your bedroom door and Dazai winces, taking half a step back.

“It’s always what you want, Dazai,” you hiss. 

Dazai’s heart sinks, shaking his head because he doesn’t want to hear where you’re going with this. “Stop.”

“For weeks, I have been catering to what you want and now I don’t want one thing and you throw a fucking tantrum over it. I don’t want to talk about this—I don’t want to talk about it now, I don’t want to talk about it in the morning, I don’t want to talk about it. Can you just leave it be?”

Dazai takes another step back, staring at you silently. His ears ring as your words echo through them and though he can watch your face shift from frustration to guilt, it doesn’t process in his head—not really, not when all he can hear are your words on repeat over and over again. 

You reach out for him, fingers curling around his wrist but Dazai pulls his hand back, taking a step away from you, closer to the stairs. All of his fight or flight instincts are triggered, his body itches to run, to flee downstairs and get out of your apartment, but his legs are uncooperative, feet rooted to the ground as he stares at you blankly.

“I didn’t mean that,” you say after a few moments. “I didn’t-I just-”

“It’s okay,” Dazai replies, voice a bit distant even to his own ears. “I’ll drop it.”

“Dazai-”

“Let me help you get into bed,” Dazai interrupts, forcing a smile onto his face as he pushes himself forward. His movements feel weird and clunky, unnatural almost, but he successfully leads you into your room, pulling back the sheets to help you into bed. “C’mon.”

He helps you slip into the bed and pulls the sheets over you, there’s still that hazy look in your eyes as you look up at him and Dazai tries his best to make sure that the smile on his face doesn’t look strained. He’s pretty sure you can see through it even while drunk. You reach out to grab his wrist again and this time, Dazai doesn’t pull away. 

“Stay here tonight,” you say quietly. “Lay down with me.”

“I have class in the morning.” Dazai shakes his head, as much as he might ache to stay in your presence, he thinks if he stays in it a moment longer, he might actually break down—he can’t get your words to stop echoing. Only a steadily crumbling dam is holding back the torrent of emotions ripping apart his chest. “I can’t.”

“I’ll drive you.”

“I have to get all of my books, and finish my homework,” he tells you. “I can’t.”

“We’ll leave early,” you press, leaning up on your elbows. “C-”

“I can’t,” Dazai stresses, taking a step back and shaking his head. “I can’t. I have to go.”

You look conflicted, but to his relief and distress, you finally let go of his wrist. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow. After your classes. You finish at three, right? There’s a restaurant in Minami-ku I’ve been meaning to take you to.”

Dazai’s throat spasms as he swallows, shaking his head again. “I’m busy after class tomorrow. I have meetings for group projects.”

“When are they over? I’ll pick you up after.”

He feels a bit sick to his stomach as he looks up at your ceiling, in turmoil and unsure as to what to do. He knows you’re not doing this because you feel bad—not really—he knows it has to do with the flashdrive. He knows it. He thought it would be easier having someone to talk to, someone to hang out with, even if it was only because of blackmail because at least he would have someone, but he was wrong because this is a type of torture that Dazai just can’t endure any longer.

“I’m not going to want to do anything after, I’ll be drained.”

“Then we don’t have to do anything.” God, you won’t stop trying. You won’t stop trying and Dazai knows that if it wasn’t for that stupid flash drive, you’d have laughed in his face and told him to get out. He thinks he might actually throw up. “I’ll pick up the food before going to get you. We’ll stay in. Watch a movie.”

“No,” Dazai says, raising his voice now. “No. I’m just going to go back to my place. I have to go.”

Though his legs feel like lead and his body still yearns to be near yours, he forces himself to leave your room. Doesn’t look back when you call his name. Doesn’t hesitate at the top of the stairs when you tell him to wait. He nearly stumbles as he makes his way down the stairs and when he gets to the bottom instead of rushing toward the elevator, he sits on the arm of your couch, resting his head in his hands as he tries to gather his thoughts.

You’re so frustrating. So impossible to read that it’s beginning to take a toll on Dazai. He doesn’t understand why you’re so adamant on not having a conversation about all of this. He thought you would’ve wanted to have a conversation about it for the chance of getting the flash drive away from him. 

You’ve done everything in your power to avoid any physical contact with him until now; only finally giving it to him when there’s an issue you really don’t want to talk about to try to distract him. Hell, you’d prefer to even talk to him about mafia business—you vented all about the issues with the Shimazaki-kai to him, and Dazai would think that’s the last thing you’d want to talk to him about. 

It doesn’t make any sense.

He’s drawn from his thoughts at the sound of something buzzing against the ground a few feet away, frowning as he looks around and spots your phone on the ground, probably lost in your drunken attempts to get to the couch. He hesitates before pushing himself off the arm of the couch, taking a few steps toward it before kneeling down to pick it up. 

He chews at the inside of his cheek as he stares down at the home screen of your phone, staring at Nakahara Chuuya’s name in the text notification. He knows that he shouldn’t go snooping. He knows it.

He does it anyway.

He spares one last glance up the stairs before unlocking your phone with the code he’s seen you put in hundreds of times by now, clicks on your message app and lets out a puff of air when he realizes that no, you hadn’t been lying. You have at least twenty unread message threads—Dazai’s is pinned at the top with Chuuya’s and someone called Mori, who you’ve never mentioned to him. There’s only one message thread you’ve evidently been reading the past few days considering there’s no dot next to it: Tolstoy, the last message being from a few hours ago.

He shouldn’t look. He knows he shouldn’t look.

He clicks on it anyway.

He bites down hard on his bottom lip as he scrolls to the top of the conversation—only a few message exchanges between the two of you, but they’re decently long.

Tolstoy: Do you still want Ilya? I can have him there by the end of next week, I just need him to finish up some business in Moscow first. You: Haven’t decided. You haven’t even given me the rundown on the side effects of his ability. I’m not going to use it if it’s going to fuck up his head—stop playing salesman and tell me what’s actually up with him. No ability comes without consequences. You know that. I know that. So stop fucking around. 

Dazai suddenly has a sick feeling in his stomach, vision tunneling on the ‘him’ you’re speaking of in the messages. A foreboding air settles over him, dark and oppressive, he has to physically force himself to keep reading.

Tolstoy: We don’t know of any side effects. Haven’t used it enough to figure it out.  You: So, you want me to use him as a lab rat? Be real, Tolstoy. Thought you had more respect for me than that. Tolstoy: I’m trying to help you. You want that kid’s memory wiped, I can have it done for you, it’s just a matter of how badly you want it done.

Dazai doesn’t read anymore than that. He drops your phone onto the couch, takes a step back, a step away. His mind spins, ears ringing as he stares down at—he doesn’t even know what he’s staring at. His vision is swimming and blurring—with tears, maybe? Or just from exhaustion? From panic? He can’t tell but he knows he’s not breathing properly and he knows he needs to leave, everything suddenly feels too suffocating, too enclosed. 

He stumbles over to the elevator, slapping the button and leaning against the wall as he waits for it to come up to your floor. It takes long—too long, each second that passes feels like an eternity and he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe.

There’s only one “him” that your texts could be referring to. And it makes sense—it makes sense, doesn’t it? It makes sense why you’re so willing to divulge confidential information if you don’t intend for him to keep the knowledge of it. Makes sense why you’ve been notably careless with leaving files around your apartment. Makes sense why you told him about your ability. He’d thought you were finally letting him in, letting him know you, but-but of course, you weren’t. 

Of course, you weren’t. 

You were just…you were just trying to keep him placated, feed him bits of information to keep him happy because you knew you weren’t going to let him keep the knowledge of it. That you were gonna wipe his memory of it, of you, and send him back into that cold, dark void that’s been following him around his entire life and-

The bing of the elevator startles him, he flinches and still, he can’t breathe. His skin feels numb and prickly, his bandages are scratching uncomfortably at the scars hidden beneath them and he can hardly see straight.

Dazai needs to go.

He needs to go.

You wake up with a dry mouth, a pounding headache and an oddly foreboding feeling hanging about you. You push yourself into a sitting position, grimacing at the sun blinding you through the window—you don’t remember much of the night. You vaguely recall leaving the club last night with Albatross and Chuuya, the two of them incessantly bitching about dealing with you while you were drunk but in your defense, you think you deserved it after three days straight of meetings with the Shimazaki-kai on behalf of the Sun and Steel. 

Everything after leaving the club is a blur. You grimace as you push yourself out of bed, glancing around to see if you’d dropped your phone anywhere near the bed only to come up empty-handed. You don’t even bother to go to the bathroom and brush your teeth, anxious to find your phone and figure out what happened once you left the club.

You pray to god that it’s downstairs and you hadn’t left it at the club, making your way out of the bedroom with a sigh. You doubt Chuuya or Albatross would’ve been dumb enough to leave it there, but you’re pretty sure they were both drunk too and neither of them are functioning drunks.

You’re not even halfway through the door frame when pain shoots through your head, sharp and uncomfortable and then-

“It’s always what you want, Dazai.”

Suddenly, that foreboding feeling you awoke with makes sense. You stare ahead blankly as you remember who exactly was waiting for you at your apartment after you got back from the club. You remember the argument, you remember the crushed expression that crossed his face when you snapped at him, you remember pleading with him to stay or to at least let you take him out today and you remember him refusing, his voice pitched and cracking, wobbly, on the verge of collapse because-

Because of you. 

Fuck.

It’s with increasingly more urgency now that you rush yourself down the stairs, a small lingering hope remaining that maybe Dazai had stayed in one of the guest rooms or on the couch, that you could do something to fix this before it escalates even more. 

You don’t even know why you said that—it’s not like you mind giving Dazai what he wants, in fact, you enjoy it. You enjoy it a lot. You like seeing his face light up when you do nice things for him, you like when he tries to hide the way he gets all flustered, you like that he’s allowed himself to have hope with you—something he’s clearly denied himself for too long—and you what? 

You ruined it because you got scared? 

You ruined it because you didn’t want to talk about… whatever you have going on with him? 

You ruined it because you were terrified he was going to force you to come to terms with the fact that you’re using his stupid flash drive as an excuse to indulge yourself in him. That it would take minimal effort to have it destroyed but you’re putting it off because you want to be able to rationalize what you’re doing.

You feel sick to your stomach when you realize that your apartment is empty, eyes darting around to try to find your phone. You need to call him—he told you that he wanted to be alone today, or maybe he didn’t say exactly that but he implied it, but you need to at least talk to him now that you’re sober and can think straight. 

A distant part of you, a cold and logical part of you, tells you to just use this as the excuse to cut him off—you don’t need to get Ilya to fuck with his mind if he just hates you, you don’t want Ilya to fuck with Dazai’s mind. The thought of it makes your chest feel tight with guilt, so maybe you should take this opportunity for what it is, no matter how shitty it might make you feel, but-

But you won’t.

Finally spotting your phone on the couch, you snatch it up and unlock it, grimacing at the low battery percentage and then grimacing even more when there’s not a single message from Dazai lighting up your home screen. There’s seven from Chuuya, three from Albatross, and two from Mori, but you’re more concerned by the missed call from an unknown number and the unread voice message.

The foreboding feeling that has been looming only grows more intense when you click on the message for it to play out loud.

“This is Doctor Okamoto of Keiyu Hospital calling on behalf of a recently admitted patient… listed you as his emergency contact when he was brought in last night… unable to disclose any information regarding his injuries over the phone… suggest that you get here soon…”

At once, your vision tunnels and everything around you becomes white noise, your gaze is pinned on the ground, a smudge on the tiled floors as you try to keep yourself grounded because what? Dazai is in the-he’s in the hospital?

Because of you? 

You hadn’t been subtle approaching him that day in the library, it’s been a lingering thought since then, wondering if unsavory eyes had caught sight of you talking to him. The bar and the cafe were different, he had approached you—if any of your enemies had happened to see it, they wouldn’t think twice about it. But you approaching him had been dangerous. 

It had been a mistake.

Had it been a mistake to cost him his life?

And it’s not just that—you’ve taken him out to dinners. Picked him up at his apartment building. Places that you or your trusted affiliates own but there’s always the chance… and if he left the Port Mafia building last night in a rush, upset and not thinking straight…

Oh, you might throw up.

You’re not dressed properly. You’re still wearing your dress from last night and you fumble to put on the heels you must’ve kicked off in your drunken state. You don’t even care to get dressed, more intent on getting to the hospital and figuring out if—nausea builds in the back of your throat—if Dazai is alive, if he’s okay. You need to re-listen to the voicemail because your hearing had been unfocused and you’d only been able to catch bits and pieces of the doctor’s message.

And-

And you don’t even get into the elevator because your phone is ringing again as soon as you click the button. You don’t even look at the number before picking up, fearing that it’s the hospital again—it’s not, it’s Chuuya, and you immediately regret your decision because you aren’t even able to bark out a ‘what’ before he’s speaking.

“Where the hell have you been?” Chuuya snaps on the other side of the line. “We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for hours, we-”

“I’m busy,” you hiss right back, interrupting him. “I can’t talk-”

“You can talk,” Chuuya says harshly. “Get to headquarters. The Guild is in Yokohama now. We don’t have time to fuck around anymore.”

You don’t respond to Chuuya, heart sinking to your feet at his words, distress clawing at your chest so painfully that you think it might be easier if you just carve out your heart and toss it out the window. You hang up the phone without another word just as the elevator makes it to your floor, but instead of going inside, you make your way back up to your room, numbly changing into one of your suits so you could at least look somewhat presentable. 

You hardly even recognize yourself in the mirror as you wipe off your smudged makeup from your night out. Your eyes are vacant and your expression so empty that you think you could almost be looking at a statue. 

War with the Guild. Dazai in the hospital.

Everything is catching up to you at the same time and your mind is fraying at its seams, collapsing in on itself as the weight of everything bears down on you. You do your best to compartmentalize, focus on one thing at a time but you can’t even concentrate on one issue. 

You try to figure out what to do about the upcoming conflict, try to determine what exactly Fitzgerald might be planning so you can figure out what the Port Mafia will retaliate with, and your mind drifts to Dazai, you wonder if he’s okay, if he’s in critical condition, if it was one of your enemies that got to him or if it was something else.

You think about Dazai, all of the fear and guilt and anxiety tearing you apart, and your mind shoots straight to the Guild. Because if Fitzgerald knows about Dazai—if he knows about Dazai—then it’s over. It’s all over. If the Guild gets their hands on him, they’ll kill him when you don’t give them what they want because you can’t give them what they want. They want Yokohama and you can’t give them that. 

You can’t, not even for Dazai.

You don’t even register that you’re standing in front of the elevator again until it bings, startling you right out of your thoughts. You can’t leave the building while you’re spiraling like this—you need to get a grip on yourself, you don’t even know where you’re going yet. You need to figure out if you’re going to go meet with Mori and the other executives or if you’re going to go find Dazai. 

As you step into the elevator, it takes all but five seconds for you to make a decision.

Dazai wakes up to the familiar scent of antiseptic and a citrus-scented floor cleaning solution, the air is too stale and the air-conditioning is cranked up too high. He forces his eyes open, lids heavy and uncooperative, but he immediately lets them fall shut again briefly when he’s met with too white walls and the steady beeping of the heart monitor next to him.

His throat feels swollen as he stares up at the ceiling—the last time he was here in the hospital he was seventeen and had nearly bled out in the bathtub in Odasaku’s house. The only reason he hadn’t was because Ango happened to stop by the house to pick up papers that Odasaku had left for him, finding Dazai unconscious and face half-submerged in the water. He woke up here to find both of them hovering over him, Ango concerned and Odasaku visibly upset for the first time since Dazai met him.

He wakes up alone now because Odasaku is dead and he hasn’t spoken to Ango in four years—doesn’t even know where the man is anymore, doesn’t even know if he’s alive, doesn’t want to know either.

“Dazai-sama.” He hears a nurse say from the door to his room. “You’re awake, how are you…”

The nurse’s voice becomes white noise with the beeping of the heart monitor and the vents blowing above. Dazai retreats back into his own mind—a dangerous place, but right now it’s safer than the white walls that surround him, knowing he’s going to be badgered with questions that he doesn’t want to have to answer. 

How are you feeling, Dazai-sama? 

What happened, Dazai-sama? 

We need to ask you a few questions, Dazai-sama.

Dazai feels defeated.

His head falls to the side as he stares out the nearby window, watching as a bird swoops down in view before taking off into the sky.

He doesn’t even remember what happened. He remembers leaving your apartment, he remembers… he remembers seeing your texts, your plans to wipe his memory. And… that’s about it? He vaguely remembers the familiar feeling of his lungs burning, remembers being tossed around by the rough currents of Tsurumi River. He doesn’t remember how he got there but it’s not exactly hard for him to piece together—even now, Dazai thinks he would rather be dead than have his memories forcibly erased.

“… to know what exactly hap…”

A dark and familiar cloud settles over him. His eyes feel heavy and his chest hurts. Dazai—he doesn’t even know what to think anymore. He’s so tired that his bones ache and his muscles feel so weak that he just sinks into the stiff mattress of the hospital bed.

He doesn’t know what he expected—he thinks that to some extent he expected you to leave him. Everyone has left him. His mother, his aunt, all of the brief friends he’d made over the years before they see him for what he is, Odasaku and Ango—everyone has left him, so he knew that you would too but… in this manner? Using an ability to wipe his memory of you?

Dazai has considered it before. He’s wondered if maybe his life would be easier if he could just… forget. If he could live without the memory of everyone who has left him hanging over him. Some days, on really bad days, he thinks it might be easier. To try to make himself feel better, he thinks that maybe he isn’t the issue, maybe it’s all just a self-fulfilling prophecy, that it’s his past experiences cursing him to make the same mistakes over and over again; that without them, he might stand a chance.

But then when he thinks about it—when he really thinks about it—he knows in his heart that it’s not true, and he knows that without the memory of them all, Dazai will only feel more empty. And to think that you were trying to take his memories of you from him… without even asking, without giving him a choice in the matter… it almost makes Dazai-

“Dazai.”

His gaze snaps to the side when he hears your familiar voice come from the door leading into his room. Instantly, he’s shaking his head and looking away again, he can’t even bear to look at you but you’re walking over to him, you’re coming to his bedside, you’re sitting next to him on the hospital bed and you’re reaching out to cup his cheek, forcibly turning his face to make him look at you. You look worried, something sharp and concerned in your eyes that makes his throat swell and he wants to spit at you and call you a liar but he can only sink into your touch.

“Why are you here?” he asks. His voice is hoarse, almost painful for him to use. 

“What happened?” you ask him quietly instead of answering his question—you never answer his questions, you always deflect, always maneuver around them. The ones you do answer, it’s only because you plan to- “Dazai, what happened? Are you okay?”

Dazai doesn’t know how you can look at him like this all the while planning the most diabolical betrayal that he could ever imagine. You’re either an actress deserving of international recognition or… or Dazai doesn’t even know.

“I’m fine,” he says, voice clipped. “Why are you here?”

“The hospital called me-”

“But why are you here?” Dazai cuts you off, grateful that his voice is firmer than the turmoil wreaking havoc through him. He must’ve given them your number while he was half-delirious when he was brought in—he figured that out already—but that doesn’t explain why you actually came. “Why did you come?”

“Because you’re hurt,” you say as if Dazai should believe you. 

And he wants to believe you. Wants to believe that you’d come running just at the mere idea of him being hurt, wants to believe that you would care enough to come for him. He wants to believe you so bad, but he knows what he saw. 

“Don’t lie to me,” Dazai tells you, finally gathering the willpower to pull his face away from where it’s resting in the palm of your hand. You don’t even let him shift away, hand slipping behind him to cradle the back of his head, fingers entwined with his hair. “Stop.”

“I’m not lying to you,” you say like a liar. “Tell me what happened.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

You sigh heavily and Dazai hates the way you’re absently drawing circles against the nape of his neck with your thumb, hates how it makes him feel at ease and especially hates the way his lashes instinctually flutter shut.

“I didn’t mean what I said last night, Dazai,” you say so quietly that Dazai almost believes you. Almost. “I was drunk, I didn’t… I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean-”

“I don’t care about that,” Dazai says, proud of the way his voice stays sharp and cold. “I saw the messages between you and Tolstoy. I know what you’re planning. I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t even want to look at you, just leave me alone.”

You draw back at his words, concerned expression melting into a blank slate as you pull your hand away to sit back straight. Dazai misses your touch instantly, longs for the warmth to return but he forces himself to ignore it all, keeping his gaze pinned on you, watching the way your mind races behind your eyes. He wonders if you’re trying to figure out if you can salvage this, wonders if you’re going to lie.

Instead, a heavy look settles over your face as you frown, glancing back at the way you came and for a moment, Dazai thinks you’re just going to leave. You rise to your feet and words lodge in the back of his throat, preparing to spit insults at you: he wants to call you a coward, a liar, wants to tell you that you’re cruel and vile and he can hardly even stand to look at you.

But then you look back at him and hold out your hand to him. “Come on,” you tell him. “Let’s sneak you out of here… I’ll explain everything when we get out of the hospital.”

Dazai wants to be spiteful, wants to turn his head away and ignore you, wants to slap your hand and tell you that there’s no explaining what he saw.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he places his hand in yours and lets that treacherous, treacherous spec of hope bloom in his chest again.

Dazai hasn’t spoken a word since leaving the hospital. You’ve tried to make small talk with him, but every time, he just turns his head away to look out the window. You gave up twenty minutes ago and Dazai is already regretting not indulging conversation with you because the silence is agonizing. He knows he should break it, but he doesn't know how to now. 

He glances at you from the corner of your eye. You’re leaning back against your seat, one hand on the steering wheel—he can’t see your eyes because they’re masked by sunglasses, but he can see the way your free hand rests on the gear stick, knuckles tense.

“What is this place?” Dazai clears his throat as he leans forward in his seat, peering out the windshield of your car to try to figure out where you’re taking him. He forces his tone to lighten, the smile on his lips strained. “Are you kidnapping me? Oh! Or are you taking me to some remote cabin to kill me? Bella, you truly know the way to a man’s heart.”

You let out a heavy sigh, one that makes Dazai toss a sweet smile in your direction. 

Some type of beach house, he recognizes as you pull up a windy road to the top of a cliff looking over the water. He can see to his left a path leading down to the water and to his right a nice view of a distant pier. It’s not a large house, but it’s nice—well-kept and refurbished with a view over Sagami Bay. It’s not too far out from Yokohama, probably only a little over an hour, but considering Dazai’s never left the city in his entire life, this might be the furthest he’s ever been. He can almost feel a bit of excitement bubbling in his chest. 

“I wanted to take you here, away from the city for a bit,” you finally say, fingers thrumming against the wheel of the car as you slowly guide the car up the gravel path. “So we can talk in peace.”

Your bland words whittle away his excitement and Dazai’s smile falters. He tries to distract himself with counting the strands hanging off the sleeve of his sweater but keeps losing count.

“Something you couldn’t have talked to me about in Yokohama?” Dazai asks airly as you pull to a stop in front of the beach house. 

He doesn’t turn to look at you, doesn’t move until you finally get out of the car, reaching into the back seat to grab two duffle bags, nodding for him to follow you.

Wow, he thinks dryly, you came prepared.

Dazai feels distinctly like he’s walking to his execution as he follows you to the steps leading up to the house, but instead of walking up them, you toss the bags on the porch and then continue up the path.

You’re going to push him off a cliff, Dazai thinks, feet dragging against the gravel as he follows you. This is it, all of the years that he’s longed for death and it’s finally about to find him at your hands. 

“I might not die from the fall,” Dazai says, words drawn long as he pouts. “You wouldn’t really leave me to suffer in freezing water, would you?”

“No,” you say, glancing back at him. He lets out a quiet breath of relief that’s quickly snuffed out when you add, “I’m not that sloppy with my kills. I’d kill you before dumping your body over the side of the cliff.”

Dazai blanches, but your lips curl up into an amused smile so he settles down, sighing as he purposely knocks his shoulder with yours.

“My bella is so cruel,” he sighs dramatically. “She hates me.”

You sigh as you reach the edge of the cliff, not turning to look at him. The wind whips around the two of you—it’s a cool, early spring night, the temperature just enough to be uncomfortable but you don’t seem bothered by it as you stare out across the water as the sun starts to set.

You’re beautiful, Dazai thinks, breath catching at the sight of you beneath the setting sun. The golden rays cast an ethereal glow over you, the wind ruffles your clothes and hair, and your expression is solemn in a way that’s become terribly familiar the past few weeks.

“I’m not going to do anything with the video,” Dazai finally says, voice quiet—finally taking the chance to say what he wanted to say last night. “You don’t have to keep… pandering to me because you’re trying to protect yourself. I was never going to do anything with it, I just… wanted you to give me a chance.”

When you look over your shoulder, you give Dazai a small, genuine smile that makes all of the air whoosh from his lungs. 

“Dazai, I’ve known you weren’t going to do anything with that video since day one,” you say, amused. “If I thought you were, I would’ve had someone confiscate it from your apartment.”

Dazai’s lips part, mind racing. “But then why-”

Your smile softens at the edges and you sigh as you lower yourself down to the ground, feet dangling off the edge of the cliff. Dazai joins you, thigh brushing yours and shoulders absently knocking together. Your hands rest in your lap and Dazai’s fingers twitch to reach for yours. He only hardly refrains himself.

“I don’t remember a life before this,” you say after a few moments, a distant look in your eyes as you stare ahead. “When I was seven… eight, maybe, I was pulled out of a warzone by the current leader of the Mafia. I don’t even remember my parents—anything about them. Their names. Faces. What they sounded like, what their job was. Mori… he found me in my town sitting in the middle of a whole pile of bodies and I couldn’t even point out which pair of corpses were my parents. I don’t remember anything before him… It’s all just black. Blurred.”

Dazai stares at you, eyes a bit wide as he listens to you speak. His lips part to say something but he decides against it, instead he seals his lips back shut and presses his shoulder against yours. Mori—that was the other name pinned up with Dazai’s message thread and Nakahara Chuuya’s—he must be the Port Mafia boss. His gaze traces your face as you stare ahead, catching the melancholic expression on your face. He itches to reach for your hand.

“I could hardly remember anything about myself. My first name… that’s just about it. My new birthday became the day Mori found me, my new surname—when needed—was his, he… he became my reason to live when I had none. Gave me a purpose,” you tell him faintly. “I spent two years on a warfront trying to figure out what my ability was so I could be the finishing touches of the immortal regiment that he was trying to create. As far as I remember, all I’ve known is… this. Him.”

Dazai wants to say something but every word he tries to push out dies on his tongue. Instead, he finally does reach out to grab your hand, fingers curling around yours tightly. You look down briefly, an unreadable expression on your face before it softens and… and for a split second, Dazai can see you, he can see you: not a hardened executive of a mafia, but an eight-year-old girl, lost and confused and landing in the arms of the wrong man, and it makes him sick.

The traitorous part of him wonders if you’re only telling him this because you still plan on following through with the memory wipe, so Dazai does what he always does when someone threatens to take one of the few things he wants—he digs his claws in and doesn’t let go. 

“The war ended before I could figure out how to use my ability and I followed… him to the underground. We ended up with the Port Mafia while the previous boss and his family were still leading. He was…” You trail off, frowning. “Dangerous. Yokohama was a terrible place under his leadership. He slaughtered civilians who spoke poorly about him and the Mafia, killed his own men for looking at him wrong… Mori became his doctor and for the good of the city, he decided to kill him.”

“I remember the old boss—what he did to the city,” Dazai says quietly—how could he not? His aunt was terrified of being in Yokohama because of him, was constantly talking about leaving the city… she finally did after dumping Dazai off in Suribachi and leaving him to fend for himself against the wolves. “It was bad.”

“It was,” you agree absently. “Mori—he wanted it to be as bloodless as possible. He tried every route, but the only way for it to be bloodless was if he had someone to corroborate that the previous boss died in his sleep and left the Port Mafia to him.”

Dazai almost scoffs.

“No one would believe that.”

“We’d hoped maybe one of his grandchildren would step up. Even if it was clearly a lie, people would have to listen because they were his blood,” you say with a wry smile. “They didn’t.”

“So, what happened then?” he presses when you don’t immediately continue. He frowns when he catches the sudden change in your demeanor, like you’re sick to your stomach, unable to push out the next words. He feels a bit dreadful, squeezing your hand gently. 

“We had to wipe out the whole family,” you whisper, looking down at your lap, “and any loyalists. I was fourteen when I killed someone for the first time. She was a girl my age—the previous boss’s granddaughter—she was asleep, had a bear tucked in her arm and a nightlight on the right side of her bed. I slit her throat, then both of her older brothers. They were kids.”

Oh.

Dazai’s throat spasm as he swallows, the picture forming in his head cold and chilling, but instead he forces out:

“You were a kid too.”

“No, I wasn’t. Hadn’t been for a long time,” you say, voice flat, leaving no room for argument. “We hunted down the whole bloodline, immediate to extended family. Mori was insistent on it, said we couldn’t risk one of them ever returning and upending everything we’ve built. He’s still searching for some to this day just to make sure.”

That’s… foreboding to say the least. Dazai watches you carefully, the grim expression on your face and the frown on your lips. He pulls your hand into his lap, tracing your fingers gently to try to ease you and he watches from the corner of his eye as your expression softens again when you look at him. It makes his chest feel tight and fluttery.

“I was sixteen when I met Itou.” The cold expression on your face warms at the unfamiliar name. Dazai watches as the corner of your lips curve up into a fond smile, as if you’re reminiscing. “He was seventeen. We were partnered up for years. This was his beach house—or, well, I don’t know whose it was but Itou took it. He was awful, honestly. A terrible fucking person, had more blood on his hands than any other member of the Mafia, found way too much joy in tormenting people. He was awful, but he was the closest thing I had to family. He tried to show me a world beyond just… bloodshed and violence. Took me to amusement parks on days off, snuck me onto school trips with random groups of kids and told me to ‘blend in’ as training for infiltration missions, showed me how to live, not just… survive. He died on a mission a few weeks after I turned eighteen, made me promise him that I wouldn’t go back to how I used to be without him, that I’d at least try to be happy.”

Double oh.

Dazai almost does throw up now, mind drawing back to a face that has been haunting Dazai for four years now, Odasaku’s last words ring through his head painfully—a reminder of his own inadequacy, of his failure to fulfill his friend’s dying wish.

He remembers the way your face shifted when he told you about Odasaku at Kido’s Boutique and he wonders if he’d reminded you of Itou back then when he spoke of the man and his promise, just like how he was reminded now. His grip on your hand tightens unintentionally—as if you can sense his thoughts, you squeeze his fingers gently. 

“I didn’t,” you say with a tight smile. “Threw myself into work, accepted that my fate was to live, breathe and die for the Port Mafia. I didn’t see the point of anything—well, not until I met you, at least.”

Dazai’s eyes flicker up to you, breath catching when you meet his gaze this time. And god, you look beautiful—so beautiful that Dazai thinks that if he dies now, he could die happy. He almost wishes that he could die now, fall off the side of the cliff with the image of you burned behind his eyelids. It would be a better death than he deserved.

“You made me happy. Make me happy,,” you tell him quietly and Dazai’s heart leaps into his throat. “So effortlessly that I can’t even understand how you do it, but it’s impossible for me to justify dragging you into this world just because I’m selfish.” Dazai parts his lips to disagree but you don’t even give him a chance to speak. “So when you came to me with your stupid blackmail, it was so… easy to just use it as an excuse for me to indulge in you.”

Dazai doesn’t get it. He still doesn’t get it. You’re sitting here talking to him, explaining everything, and Dazai still doesn’t understand. He makes you happy—he makes you happy and you make him happy, there doesn’t need to be any more complications than that. You don’t have to push him away, you don’t have to cut him off, you don’t have to use that memory wiping ability on him.

“I don’t understand,” Dazai says, voice hoarse. “You make me happy too, so why is…”

“Because Chuuya is right,” you say with a smile that doesn’t meet your eyes. “The risks… Dazai, you can’t ask me to put you in danger like this. It’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair to cut me off because you’re scared,” Dazai counters, voice a bit pitched. “It’s not fair that you want to wipe my memory without my consent. I don’t care about danger, I don’t-”

You look at him sharply, an intense expression on your face that makes Dazai hesitate.

“I never would have done it without talking to you first,” you say tightly. “Do you really think that little of me?”

Dazai looks away, not answering the question. “I never would have agreed to it,” he replies, voice equally tight as yours. “Never. It’d be a waste of your time.”

You sigh and Dazai feels you shift next to him but he pointedly keeps his gaze trained ahead, refusing to look at you. He feels your fingers brush his cheek before the pressure becomes a bit firmer as you turn his face so that he’s looking at you. You’re so close that his nose brushes yours, the pads of your fingers are warm against his skin; if he leans in just a bit, he’d be able to kiss you.

He wants to kiss you.

“You don’t know what’s at stake,” you say softly, breath fanning across his lips as you speak. He can almost taste the mixture of mint and nicotine on your lips—you smoke when you’re nervous, he’s noticed it over the past few weeks with you. The more nervous you are, the more cigarettes you run through; he wonders how many cigarettes you’ve gone through since you’ve gotten the call from the hospital. “The danger-”

“You want me,” Dazai whispers, squeezing your hand, leaning in a bit more. “No one has ever wanted me before. Not like this. Not for me. You want me.”

The last sentence—it doesn’t come out as a statement, it comes out as a plea. He wants you to say it. You didn’t the last time, but he needs to hear it now. Desperately. His nails dig into your hands, he doesn’t even dare to breathe as he waits for you to speak.

“I want you,” you agree, voice so quiet like you don’t even dare to speak the words out loud in fear of the consequences of them. “I want you. I want you so bad that it scares me, Dazai Osamu.”

And Dazai breathes. The breath he lets out is long and shaky, the relief that sweeps over him is almost debilitating. He searches your eyes to make sure you mean it and when he only finds honesty and a type of fear that he’s never seen in you before, Dazai knows.

“You think it doesn’t scare me?” Dazai asks you, voice cracking. “Everything I ever come to want is always lost. Ever since that first day we met, I-I knew that I wanted you more than anything I’ve ever wanted before and I’ve been terrified that one day you’ll leave me. Promise me that you won’t. Promise me.”

You stare at him and for a terrible moment, Dazai thinks that you’re about to shake your head and say you can’t, but then you swallow, nod and say, “I promise.”

Dazai kisses you. And then he kisses you again. And again. And again. Until his lungs burn and he can feel your lips curve up against his and even then, he kisses you still. Kisses you as the sun sets over the bay and the moon rises above the mountains. Kisses you until the wind becomes too bitter for the two of you to stay outside and still, he smiles as he peppers kisses across your face, walking back down the path to the beach house.

He ignores how your phone has been buzzing incessantly all night, praying for at least one day of peace before reality slaps the two of you in the face again.

[fyodor-s-rat]

BSD MEN - You Telling Them That You're Horny at Work

featuring: Dazai, Chuuya, Akutagawa, Ranpo, Kunikida, Fyodor

tw: sexual content

Please, excuse my English, it's not my first language :')

Dazai

"Hey, Dazai?" you approached Dazai's desk.

He was concentrating on folding some origami, so he barely looked up.

"What is it?" he responded with a deep sigh.

"I'm horny."

Dazai stopped what he was doing. His eyes suddenly lit up. He finally looked at you. "My, my, come again?"

You repeated what you just said. He was grinning which made you almost want to slap him, but at the same time you couldn't help but blush.

"My belladona is horny? Guess I'll have to take a break from all that working."

"Oh right, you must be overworked from all that work." you said sarcastically. "Have you even finished your paperwork-"

He didn't let you finish the sentence. He just pulled you closer and kissed you to shut your mouth. After a while, you two were passionately making out, you sitting on his lap.

Until Kunikida bursted through the door.

Chuuya

Chuuya and you were sitting in Mori's office for almost an hour now. He was scolding you because you two screwed up some mission.

You could see on your boyfriend's face that he was trying so hard to not to explode from anger. It was ADA's fault that your mission didn't succeed.

You grabbed Chuuya's hand and squeezed it. You wanted to calm him down a bit. And then you thought of something.

Without paying any more attention to Mori, you slowly leaned to Chuuya and whispered to his ear. "I'm actually very horny right now."

Chuuya's eyes widened. You could see his cheeks turning red. You chuckled to yourself.

Your hand began slowly wandering across his body beneath the table. You could feel him shiver when you touched his thigh.

Before he could say anything else, your hand slid in his pants, making him gasp a little.

"Hey! Are you even listening to me?" shouted Mori. Chuuya tried to say something, but he couldn't focus.

"I- excuse us." Without saying anything else, he stood up, dragging you behind him. Mori was yelling at you, but he slammed the door. "You fucking idiot, is this what you wanted?" he hissed angrily before roughly kissing you.

Akutagawa

The two of you were walking through the pitch-black streets of Yokohama.

You suddenly grabbed Akutagawa's arm and whispered to him: "Guess what..."

"What?" He muttered, obviously irritated, as he tried to shake you off.

"I'm horny."

As soon as those words left your lips, he stopped walking. He looked at you in disbelief, his cheeks completely red. He was clearly very frustrated.

"W-what?" he hissed. "What do you want me to do? Fuck you on the road?!"

You chuckled. "Well, I wouldn't exactly be against it-"

He grabbed your chin, forcing you to look straight into his eyes. "Let me finish my work and I might fuck you later."

Ranpo

"Ranpoo," you whined as you approached your boyfriend. "I need to tell you something."

Ranpo didn't even look up, deeply focused on his snacks. "Let me guess, you're horny."

You stared at him. Ranpo smirked and crossed arms on his chest. "Well, darling, I suppose we should do something about it, but unfortunately, we're at work and I'm currently busy".

By that statement he meant that he was busy eating donuts. You scoffed and snatched the donut out of his hand.

"Hey!!" Ranpo whined as he reached for his donut. You tried to run away, but he grabbed your hand and easily pushed you against the wall.

You two were looking into each other's eyes. He gently stroked your cheek. It looked like he was about to kiss you, but suddenly he snatched the donut back.

"Ha! If you want me to help you with your horniness, stop snatching my snacks you thief." He poked you, a slight grin on his lips.

Kunikida

"I'm horny."

Kunikida froze. He closed his notebook and slowly glanced at you.

"You're... what?"

His serious face made you chuckle. "I'm horny."

"You can't be serious. Do you even know how inappropriate it is to say such things at work?!" he angrily hissed at you.

Slowly moving towards him, you touched his arm. He was trying so hard to keep a serious face, but he was failing miserably. You knew you were gonna regret this later.

"Y/n, I'm disappointed in you," sighed Kunikida. He sounded like a disappointed teacher scolding his student.

You smirked, moving your hand even lower. You knew you were making him extremely nervous and you were enjoying it.

Before you could say something else, he brushed your hand off. "Let me finish my work." Kunikida then turned his back on you, focused on his work once again. A loud sigh escaped your mouth. He raised an eyebrow. "I see. I should teach you a lesson then. Your behavior is inexcusable."

(You could see him smirking mischievously.)

Fyodor

You were quietly cursing your partner, as you walked behind him, slowly crossing over dead bodies.

You had enough. You were tired of just following him around, not allowed to say a word while he was working. He insisted on you coming with him on this mission, but you were utterly bored. That's when something crossed your mind.

You slowly approached him, grabbing his shoulder and leaning towards him.

"I'm horny," you whispered with a smirk.

He froze. He then turned to you with an entirely indifferent expression. His cold eyes were analysing you.

But it wasn't long enough till a smirk appeared on his lips. "What did I say? Do not disturb me while I'm working."

You smirked. It was hard to get some genuine reaction from Fyodor, but you could see the smirk dancing across his lips.

"Oh, Fyodor, my love," you whined. "Why don't we take a break?" Your fingers touched his cold hand.

For a brief moment, it appeared as though he would actually pull you into a kiss, but then he coldly brushed your fingers off. "If you behave good, you might get what you want later."

This was the last sentence you got out of him this night. And before you knew it, you were screaming his name.

[elvestoneanzelote1]

Yandere chuuya x port mafia executive reader please

A:ɴ- ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜɪs ɪs ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀsᴛ ʀᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀɪᴛɪɴɢ ʟɪsᴛ ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ I ᴡɪʟʟ ᴏᴘᴇɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛ ʙᴏx ᴀɢᴀɪɴ ғᴏʀ ᴀʟʟ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛ ᴇɪᴛʜᴇʀ ᴡᴀʏ.

𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘩𝘶𝘶𝘺𝘢 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵... 𝘐 𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘮𝘦 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘣𝘶𝘵... 𝘖𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵.

𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦 𝘪𝘵.

𝘠𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘶𝘶𝘺𝘢 𝘹 𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘧𝘪𝘢 𝘦𝘹𝘦𝘤𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘨/𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳 x Yandere Dazai (slight I want to so...)

(𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺/𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮)

The first question is how you are an executive? Well it is not your ability is super strong to the point of destruction (I do not want to make 2.0 of him)

Your ability is useful too useful in murdering.

I won't say what though.

Either way you and Chuuya met when you first arrive at the age of 17.

Well the introduction was done by Dazai who mention to Chuuya how he was the one to find you.

At first he didn't approach neither did you.

Unsociable you are.

And you like keeping thing professionally who on earth will go and approach another executive to be friends are you out of your mind to do so?

It is clearly suspicious at the plus.

Dazai... Well you could say he was a strict one.

He is not your mentor thankfully to the grace.

But... During mission as your senior he is... Quiet a handful.

One time he will shoot bullets towards you so that you both can die together and the next he whine about how he was hurt that you almost left him (okay... It sound like dazai x reader... And yes it is slightly)

He is damn confusing for you.

But... You don't let it block your job.

It is a miracle how you didn't met Chuuya before as literally Dazai is the partner.

They are the double black duo.

Either way. Your first introduction was from Dazai to Chuuya. Did I mention? Yes.

And the fact you both eventually wen to mission the next after what a coincidence.

And the most miracle?

You eventually stop Chuuya corruption before it cause massive destructions.

Awww how cute where you to hug him tight and tackle him down to stop his gravital power.

He was awaken by your concerning tone of calling him out.

He could hear you. He could hear you even if... Even if he was controlled by his ability how.

Was it fate? Was this some miracle. Were you the key?

He doesn't know.

He doesn't know and doesn't want to know.

He raised his hands to the light where your voice call out in consciousness.

Despite his body reacting violently trying to overthrow you.

You can't let him do that.

Not until Dazai come and stopped him and you can't let him die either.

You will be blame for his death after all!.

But you were confused when his body went limp as his corruption disappear alarming you.

About to say another word but he pull you into a hug, with your face burried in his chest.

"Thank you"

For some reason... You were not really feeling to say welcome

Because your gut feeling says... It is not really just a thank you but a gate of something else to begin.

"Y/n! stand back Chibi-chan will kill-" Dazai stop his walk afraid to see you bloodied and death before he could even let you die with him but... Only to see you have calmed Chuuya.

Truly a miracle.

And the fact Chuuya was hugging you? Why? Maybe he appreciate your help?

That doesn't matter.

Dazai rush to you and pull you away from Chuuya whose eyes widen before he speaks a slap was heard.

Your eyes stay widen as Dazai slapped you across your face.

Then he hugged you saying how stupid you were to die before him!

You can't die without dying with him!

You didn't hear anything but the feeling of the burn sensation of the slap.

From the fact... You were an executive now.

Before it was different but now...

And the fact it was around the others you... Felt shame.

Unlike Dazai who happily cooed at you for at least stopping Chuuya.

Chuuya on other hand took notice of your expression on Dazai who went to talk to others to quickly patch up.

You didn't follow Dazai when he said so.

Chuuya notice the red cheeks and gritted teeth of yours.

It was truly not good.

I mean Chuuya admit it was unnecessary to slap you.

And the fact infront of everyone.

He wonders what you are going to do now.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Firstly. Dazai got annoyed when you told him about how he shouldn't just slap you.

Secondly. Why were you distancing yourself.

Thirdly have you forgotten who saved you?

Dazai during those time ignore you back leaving a huge gape hole between you both.

Yes you respect Dazai a lot and the fact he brought you to mafia...

But it through your hardworking to be an executive not by other means.

Oh well at least you are free from interactions.

Well... Boss Mori sometimes let you and Chuuya go on mission for two reason.

You stopped the corruption.

Second he just find the pleasure to see Dazai annoyed expression.

You and Chuuya ended up talking more.

And the fact he eventually was grateful to you. And wonders if you can save him again... If he loses control.

Oh he isn't going to that.

But... The what if stays.

.

.

.

.

.

"Let's leave Port Mafia"

"Huh?" Your eyes widen by Dazai words who let out an audible sighed.

"I know we have been distancing ourselves... But we both knows we are still link."

"So your going to..."

"Yes."

"...oh"

"Y/n I'm sorry for whatever I have done please for all the time we spend together please let's leave"

"I..." Your words didn't came out of the mouth as Dazai held both of your hands in his.

His eyes held deep fondness.

But it soon crack when you take away your hands.

"Just leave... I will pretend we never talk today" you replied.

Before he ask you already left.

Oh how it hurt him so much.

.

.

.

.

But chuuya was more then happier to see you stayed.

He almost assume you left.

With Dazai.

His heart will not able to stand it.

But... At least you are here.

"Y/n"

"Hmm?"

Your eyes took notice of Chuuya who handed you a glass of wine while Mori and Kouyou was celebrating too.

"Since That Mackarel have finally left it is a joy no?"

Your eyes stare at the glass then you stood up and shook head.

"I'm tired today... May I take my leave now boss?" You asked as Mori nodded and told you to arrive tomorrow at 8.

...

He doesn't understand.

Do you... He doesn't like the thought.

Chuuya stare at the glass of wine you refused to drink earlier.

He wonders... If... You will ever love him one day.

It... Make him anxious.

Don't be too hard on him.

Just come over to him... Won't you?

After all he is much caring then that makarel... No?

.

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.

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.

.

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A:n- that's all take care.

[elizais]

okok may i request headcanons/drabbles on bsd boys (pref dazai, chuuya, jouno, tecchou, fyodor, tachihara, sigma, nikolai??) with a gf who has glasses but is almost blind without them? like velma in scooby doo, she needs her glasses and panics when she fr can't find them? thank you so much with glitters and sparkles!!

ofc! i'll split this into 2/3 parts though for the boys u asked for if any1 wants more!!

when their gf needs glasses (and they get lost)

like the request!! drabbles for each. featuring: dazai, chuuya, fyodor!! more parts will come warnings: dazai being a shit (lovingly),, drabbles dividers by @cafekitsune мышь = mouse (google translate so idk)

"osamu?" she called out, concern slightly tinting her voice. "yes, bella? everything alright?" he responded, on the other side of the bathroom door.

"yes, well, no but-" she stumbled over her words, opening the door as she was covered in a fluffy towel. he waited for her to catch her breath, knowing what she was missing. taking in a deep breath, "i can't find my glasses."

she didn't tend to lose her glasses, only taking them off for sleeping, showering and getting changed. very rarely having any other reason to do so. osamu chuckled at her, squinting her eyes to make out his facial expression. "have you seen them?" she asked him, walking towards her bedroom to put on clothes.

"i'll look now, dear." he smiled, knowing he placed them on a shelf she cannot reach. in his defence, he wanted her to ask him for help! she was so self sufficient after all..

she walked out of the bedroom, hitting her hip on the corner of a table slightly. "my, my.. you really need those glasses!" he teased as he ruffled her hair. an unimpressed look was plastered over her face, replacing her glasses. "yes, i do, osamu!". she ran a hand through her hair, trying to calm herself down.

"do you know where you last took them off?" he asked, of course he knew that she left them on the end table outside the bathroom. thats where he picked them up. she nodded her head, pointing to the end table that did not have the glasses.

he took her hand in his, suddenly feeling bad for what he had done. it was not worth seeing her so stressed out over some glasses. he walked her into the office room.

she didn't seem to realise it was osamu who had moved her glasses, so, to stay in her good books he looked around with her. when her back was turned, he took the glasses off of the shelf and put them on the desk beneath it.

"oh, darling! here they are!" he smiled as you turned around. he handed them to her and was pleased to see her smile back. "was it you, 'samu?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

he nodded slowly. she clicked her tongue before pressing a kiss to his cheek.

chuuya walked into the apartment, usually being greeted with a hug and a kiss but not today. it was too early for her to be asleep, he wandered where she was before he heard a frustrated groan.

"doll?" he spoke, wondering what was wrong. he heard her gasp as she ran into the front room to him. she greeted him with a hug quickly, throwing herself against him - chuuya having to catch her.

"hey chuu.." she kissed his cheek. she didn't want to have her worries affect him but she needed help. he gently placed her down and immediately notice the absence of her glasses.

"well you don't have to look at me like that." he sarcastically remarked as he pretended to be annoyed. he laughed at her squinting eyes. "did you lose your specs?" he asked.

"don't call them that, you geek!" she smacked him on the bicep gently before sighing, "yeah."

he pretended to wince in pain, holding the spot she hit.

"well i was going to help you, but i don't think you deserve to see now!" he joked. "where did you last have them, princess?" he kissed her forehead before adding in his pet name for her.

"i was taking a nap on the couch, and i think i put them either on the armrest by my head or on the coffee table." she exasperatedly exclaimed, throwing an arm in the direction of the living room.

chuuya instantly put together a theory, he walked over, hearing her footsteps behind him. she must have knocked them off from wherever they were in her sleep.

he activated his ability and touched the couch, letting it float up a metre or so. he crouched down and grabbed the glasses and slowly lowered the couch. she wasn't able to see the specifics of what happened but saw him walk towards her with a smug look on his face.

"here you go, doll." he held out the glasses, but before she could grab them he let them float to the ceiling. "costs a kiss to get them back!" he flicked her forehead.

she sighed, "i suppose i'll have to pay for another pair then.." she joked, earning an exaggerated shocked look from chuuya. she kissed his lips softly and caught the glasses as he lowered them.

fyodor was sat in his office, typing away on his computer in serious concentration.

in another room, he heard objects being moved around. last he checked, his partner was asleep. he heard her footsteps near before the door to his office opened.

spinning around in his chair, "мышь, is something troubling you?" he asked, receiving a small nod in response. "i can't find my glasses, my head hurts because i'm squinting, i feel gross, and i'm cold." she rattled off.

"where did you take them off, dear?" he queried. she shrugged. "i fell asleep on you when you were researching and woke up in our bed. thank you for taking me to the bed but i don't know where i put them!!" she gestured wildly, nervously cracking her fingers before he stood up.

he held her hands so she would stop with her nervous tic, "go take a shower love, and stop squinting. i will find them if it stresses you out so much." he hummed, softly rubbing his thumbs over her knuckles.

she went to the bathroom, fyodor was racking his brain for when she took them off. he thought she possibly left them in the car, he shuddered at the thought of going out in the cold weather to check the car. but, he put on his shoes and grabbed his coat.

before touching the door handle, he thought he is better to put his ushanka on. not wanting his head to be cold either.

walking towards the office she fell asleep in his arms on top of the chair in, he lifted up his ushanka. a pair of glasses with a few traces of fluff on them from the hat sat on the table.

letting out a sigh of relief as he didn't have to go out in the cold, he opted not to tell you it was his fault you couldn't spot your glasses.

[originalaccountname]

In your Murase Lives ADA!Chuuya AU, Dazai still joins the ADA eventually right? After he loses both Ango and Oda (like how Chuuya left when he only had Dazai left, but Dazai seemed to be better with his new friends).

How do they react to that? Does Chuuya help Dazai join? Do they acknowledge that they knew each other before (well, I feel everyone could tell)? Is Chuuya happy he left? Or is he mixed about them working together again? Is Dazai feeling mixed up because Chuuya left him (but now after Odasaku he understands it better)?

I was trying to think of this had been mentioned in your comics on them but I didn’t think it’d been mentioned except in the intervening years Dazai had to deal with Mori’s complaining about Chuuya’s defection.

I talked about it a little bit in this post:

If Oda dies the same way… it’s a fun question. Dazai would leave, Dazai would still refuse to work for the government, so his options are limited. I can’t imagine Chuuya leaving at 16, join the ADA, and the mafia not knowing a thing about it? So what would Dazai do? Chuuya left and joined a group and now that group is his only option in Yokohama. If he wants to join them, he’ll still have to wait two years for his records to be erased and hidden. And he knows Chuuya is gonna be there, and he knows him!! How frustrating and stressful is that wait going to be? I’d like Chuuya to be gone when Dazai first joins, so Entrance Exam can still take place in a similar way. Maybe he accompanied Ranpo on his contract out of town? I do wonder if he’d confront Dazai publicly or in private… I’m still not sure how much he told the ADA about his own origins.

To expand on that, Entrance Exam the novel is quite different from the anime. Ranpo is on an investigation in Kyushu until the finale of Kunikida and Dazai's investigation to find and stop the Azure Messenger/Apostle. Ranpo shows up in person in time to deduce where the bomb was located (and Dazai tests his "ability" by pinching his hair at this moment). It's a key moment for Dazai because it's the moment he decides the ADA is the real deal and they just might be what he's looking for (this exam went both ways).

oh no this is gonna be long and turn into an improvised analysis of Entrance Exam

So, that's the thing: Dazai was very much testing the ADA for the entirety of his entrance exam. He was figuring out clues and coming to conclusions much faster than Kunikida was, but he wouldn't tell him outright: he was artfully slipping half-clues into his conversations with Kunikida to see if he would pick up on them. And he did! Which made him a good potential partner! Because Dazai didn't expect the ADA to be on his level, but wanted them to be able to work with him. And then there was Ranpo who very much was on his level and Dazai fanboy'd about it.

so. my AU.

It's funny, since Dazai joins at 20, and Chuuya left at 16 (almost 17), that they still get their 4-year gap. Except! this time the roles are reversed and Chuuya wasn't quite concerned about hiding (that's a whole other subject). I can't imagine Dazai watching Chuuya "betray" (leave) the PM on his own without consequences only to join some do-gooders not too long after and not get curious. Wanting to study him under a microscope and all.

So Dazai would have some knowledge from observing the ADA and Chuuya from a distance. Basic stuff like what they do and roughly who works there. I would expect canon Dazai to have had similar knowledge before his entrance exam, but who knows.

There was probably something reassuring in Chuuya seemingly having found a place in the light after everything he went through. But it would also a good excuse for comparison and self-depreciation. Fortunately, Dazai is motivated by Oda's words and a never-ending need to one-up Chuuya. Imagine the embarrassment if he gave up on his best chance of helping people because he was afraid of facing Chuuya.

Now, Let's say Chuuya was accompanying Ranpo on that investigation out of town. When they get back, it's to a crisis, and a Dazai who has been there for a while.

Ranpo was the one to figure out Chuuya's past in this AU, he knows about his (short) time in the mafia, but Dazai and his ability were a well-kept secret of the PM. Chuuya wouldn't spoil that: he didn't leave out of hatred for the mafia, he left out of grief and because he had that opportunity. It would probably take Ranpo 3 seconds to connect the missing dots once Dazai is revealed: singularity -> can't stop it -> has been used 3 times -> still alive -> something to stop him -> nullification -> Dazai.

Everything hinges on Ranpo and what he knows of this new recruit before meeting him: Fukuzawa and Kunikida are suspicious of Dazai being sent to infiltrate them, Fukuzawa is willing to kill Dazai over these suspicions, Chuuya would recognize Dazai instantly and also get suspicious and, depending on his reaction, seal his fate.

FORTUNATELY we know Fukuzawa talked to Ranpo beforehand and canonically Ranpo took one good look at Dazai and decided he was fine. So I say Ranpo kept Chuuya distracted for the rest of that day. Kunikida still fake-shot Dazai, they still got the airplane back up (hush about Chuuya who could have caught it), Dazai still made an excellent impression on Kunikida, and everything went as smoothly.

Which would bring their confrontation to afterwards. The big finale with Sasaki happens a few days later, but Dazai vanishes during that time, presumably to investigate and corner her. That does leave us with the perfect opportunity for Dazai and Chuuya to cross paths (Chuuya would have heard Dazai's name at some point) and confront each other. I did mention Chuuya had a bit of a dark justice/vigilantism phase during his time with Murase before the ADA, and Dazai's objective at that moment is to bring an end to Sasaki by his own means, as the justice system would never be able to reach her, so... 🤝

Another fun thing about Entrance Exam is that Kunikida is always just on the verge of figuring out what Dazai's deal is, but Dazai keeps being stupid and annoying exactly during those moments, so Kunikida throws his doubts out the window along with Dazai every time.

In short, Ranpo would know Dazai and Chuuya used to know each other, skk would have their confrontation in private and shake hands over doing what the system can't handle, and Fukuzawa and Yosano might be able to connect the dots themselves after a while of watching them, but keep it silent.

Our beloved Kunikida came in too late to know Chuuya's backstory and had a similar instant annoyance and teamwork chemistry with Dazai that Chuuya seems to be also experiencing, so to him this is just Dazai weirdness. Any subsequent addition to the ADA would have no reason to question them.

[chuuyaswifeandhoe]

If only

Pairing: Chuuya x femreader Warnings: swearing, mention of suicide attempts, language, hated, gunshots, death, mentions of killing, violence This is the second part of Not today. Enjoy!

Wake up, survive, kill, sleep, repeat. Wake up, exist, betray, sleep, repeat. Wake up, get yourself almost killed, sleep, repeat. Wake up, die. 

One year and a half has passed since Chuuya decided that you didn't have any value for him. You decided to celebrate it at the old apartment, exactly where it happened, so you would not forget why you're still alive. Revenge. No, you laughed at the flickers of the candles around the living room. Revenge was too kind for him. You wanted to make him hate himself. To feel useless, used, an incapable body having to survive with the consequences of his own actions. That's what you had been doing for the last year so he had to go through it for the rest of his life. Seemed only fair, an eye for an eye, a broken soul for another one. Even better, a broken soul to crush another. You blame yourself for the break up. If only you wouldn't have opened the discussion about marriage and kids. If only you would have been happy with the situation you were in, not craving for more, not wanting more from life, maybe he wouldn't have said those words to you. If only you would have acted differently. If only you would have changed to suit him better. If only…

You sipped another gulp from the expensive bottle of wine, his courtesy when he left you the apartment. No need to cry over spilled milk. Still, tears fell down your cheeks without warning. It stung, it is not like you could get rid of the feelings of betrayal and disappointment. In the dim lights of the candles you let yourself feel human again. It was a long year for you, one where you made permanent changes in your life. No more good girl behavior. Only a cruel bitch without a heart. One of the most interesting evolutions within the Mafia. That's what they called you. You had your underground name as well, Shadow. The one who kills her victims in their sleep, walking right behind you, living in the dark, never knowing when is going to hit. People don't fear their own shadows, so you took advantage of that. Befriending the target, using your innocence to make them trust you then slashing their heart in the sheets. Literally. 

You sighed, he should be back in two days. You found out after joining that the executive was sent on a suicide mission, having no communication with the outside world. A mission that has been extended longer than anyone anticipated. But everyone trusted him to accomplish the impossible and come back alive and successful, destroying some gangs, scoring some diamond deals, and bringing back the prize of the rarest diamond in the world. Easy, for the most powerful ability user in the Mafia. Not so easy to understand why he acted like that more than a year ago. You saw the reasoning behind it, but still, there were other options if he wanted to protect you. You shake your head, no, he did not want to protect you, he wanted to get rid of you. 

In retrospect, he tried to protect you after his departure, after the breakup.  You were desperate, you wanted to turn off your feelings so bad, everything hurt. In a desperate attempt, a message was sent to Dazai if his offer for the double suicide was still up. But he expected the message when he met you on the roof of the building his scope was to get you down, to hold you, and to make sure you didn't do it. What an ass, Chuuya informed him and knew already you'd try to kill yourself. “Bella, is not worthy, I promise you I'd take your offer under other circumstances, but now I know for sure that is going to get better.”

After that night you laid out your options on a piece of paper. The first was to get over with this life. Not an option anymore, Dazai did not help you and suddenly members of the agency bumped randomly into you at the grocery store. Atsushi wanted to accompany you and Yosano wanted to go shopping. Nice of them but it was making you feel worse. You wanted to root under a rock. Fragile. You felt fragile, ready to break if someone looked at you the wrong way. You wanted to move out of the apartment, but couldn't, you were between jobs and you were in no shape to start looking for one. To put on a fake smiling face… no. And ironically after three weeks, a position was available at the agency, for a secretary. What a lovely coincidence. And for a bit you even considered it, to have them around wasn't a bad idea after all and would also comply with Chuuya's demand to never get in his face again. But then, after the “interview”, while at the caffè, Atsushi -bless his innocent heart- left out a secret in his blabbering “Chuuya must really love you Y/N-san, kneeling to ask the president for the Agency to protect you”. He received a smack over his head from Kyoka and you acted like you did not hear him, but it was the moment you decided you weren't going to take the job at the agency. 

Bastard. Thinking he can control your life after breaking you like that. To make sure you were having a good life, that you would be under Dazai’s careful eye. The second option was to move back to your village, back with your not-so-close family. Not really an option, but more a desperate attempt to get the attention off the agony present in your life. And you tried it, with a short visit, wanting to understand if it would do you any good. But at the news that you and Chuuya broke up, your family started blaming you and accused you of being such a stuck-up bitch. Everything good about you was your relationship with Chuuya and you screwed everything up and your life did not have any value anymore. And maybe, to a certain extent, you started to believe it.  So after that weekend, you got back, having to deal with life again.

The next option was to just get on with your life. Going out, dating, meeting new people, living again. Well, you got yourself somehow functioning in those six weeks before deciding that there was a fourth option that was more suitable. You tried looking for other jobs, and you got yourself on two random blind dates which were absolutely horrible, but a friend of yours decided it was a good idea to get you out of your slumber so you accepted. You decided you were going to be single forever because there was no way you were going to deal with all that. And you also wanted revenge and when the opportunity arose, you went straight for it.

The fourth option you never envisioned or dreamed of. Joining the Mafia. A friend, of a friend, of another friend found out from some underground source about a recruitment process going on so you decided to join. You started preparing for it, hitting the gym and having shooting training on Chuuya’s money, because if he left you the card you might as well use it. One of your biggest qualities was the attention to detail and to anyone’s surprise shooting a gun. You remember the ‘basic training’ Chuuya gave you after telling you about his job so you could shoot a gun if you ever needed to protect yourself and he was amazed by your skills to not miss any of the targets he put in place. So, until the recruitment stage came around you trained. It was not like you had any better to do, apart from moping around in your sadness.

You started as a weakling, a mere nobody. No particular skill, apart from a good aim. The rest was hard work, broken bones, lots of cuts and bruises, not getting in your own way, being in constant fear for your life, and learning to kill. The first time was the hardest. Then you went on autopilot. No regrets, no remorse, no feelings. Exactly what you were looking for, a way to numb out your heart. No more worrying about a lover, a relationship, a breakup, or a future. Then, it was a question of being in the right place at the right time and saving Mori’s life in an altercation. The boss rarely participated in those things, but there were times he wanted to feel the thrill of fear and descend into the dirty underground. Obviously, some Black Lizard mission you were involved in by accident, but they did not fully clear the perimeter and a sniper got away.

You were feeling very suspicious about the whole deal, it was intuition, and you just knew something was wrong. Luckily, you saw the red dot on Mori’s chest, had enough balls to push him aside, and got yourself two beautiful bullets in your chest. You survived and got the permission to have one wish granted. You could ask whatever you want. You thanked your new direct Boss and asked him to keep this for the future when you would find a wish worthy of the occasion. You got yourself noticed, what weakling would dare touch the Boss in such a manner? So you started to be involved in more high-profiling missions. You received special training from the Black Lizards, transforming you into one of the finest assassins the Mafia had at its disposal. A killing machine, who did not ask twice about the victim, just got the job done. ‘’No hard feelings’’ was the last phrase every one of your victims heard. And your way of doing your job was very interesting to Mori. Approaching the targets in plain sight, gaining their trust in so little time, then breaking it when killing them. Every one of your missions seemed like a personal revenge you took. And Mori was definitely pleased, his mind coming up with different plans on how he could use his new pawn.

How ironic everything seemed to you. To be in front of the man Chuuya was trying to protect you from. Saving said man with your own life and getting your hands dirty just like him. Definitely, he did not expect his plan to backfire like that. You were dying to see his reaction when he would find out. Well, you will not be there, probably, as you were set to have some solo missions, which started exactly the day he was going to return. You were grateful, it would give you a bit more time. For what? You didn’t know. But you did not feel ready to see him again. Well, it was something you’ll worry about another day, now, you let yourself cry, be desperate again, and hope for the release of death. Tomorrow, you’ll get your knives and guns attached to you again.

The days rolled around and you departed to your new series of missions first thing in the morning. Little did you know that at the same time, in Mori’s office, a meeting regarding your future was happening.

‘’Chuuya-kun, as always your results are impeccable. You’ll get days off until your new partner will return from her missions’’.

Chuuya raised an eyebrow. He was tired and done with it all. But he definitely did not expect to have a new partner upon his return. He liked his solo missions and did not want to have to carry someone’s slack around. But he had little to no energy to fight. He just wanted to get in contact with Dazai right now and ask about her. His mind was only about her and how to make things right again, in case she did not move on.

‘’Thank you and who is her?’’

‘’ Her name is Shadow’’. 

[justcallmesakira]

"Bittersweet lovebites"

Sypnosis: In which two people who were meant to be enemies, are deeply engraved in each other's hearts....

Dazai x pm!reader

Warnings: lots of suggestive jokes, half teaspoon of angst

Genre: heavily suggestive, romance

A/N: this is a fic heavily inspired by "cigarettes out the windows" and dangerously yours, the movie. The angst will come but for now it will be sweet romance stuff

Listen to! : Lovers rock -TV girl, Always forever -Cults, I wanna be yours -The arctic monkeys, Not allowed -TV girl, Better in the dark -Jordan, TV girl etc.

Dazai didn't thought he'd have to wait this long in the torture chambers for this long if anything he can always plan an easy escape. However this time it's different he was waiting for a certain someone.

A clack of heavy boots could be heard from that empty room of terror and long forgotten screams, not that it bothered the former executive. "What a place to meet up, isn't it" the husky voice teases "Dazai". The man's face lit up slightly with a smirk at the call of his name "Well well, belladonna! You really took the time to meet with your one and only love of your life!" he teasingly jokes with a small grin on his face as the silhouette of your body finally walked in the room where dazai was chained up to the wall. You stood in front of him with your hefty coat dangling on your shoulders.

"Love of my life? Oh please as if!" the woman in front of him laughs out, whether she meant it as a joke or whether they were words half from the heart, it really was a mystery since the remark was ignored. "Say say, do you enjoy seeing me in such a helpless way?" Dazai ultimately ignores your remark while grinning cheekily at your approach upon him. You were quite used to his dirty jokes, that's was one of the things anyone should get accustomed to if they really wanna be a part of this man's life. You snickered "I wonder if I do like seeing my dearest in such a way" you smirked with slight malice in which the man in front you just smiled. He was always like this--mysterious, one might say he's a simple cheery man but what goes on his mind stays there.

"It would be much much better if we switch places don't you think?" Dazai spurted out with a dirty look on his face which slightly shocked you but you kept it in with yourself. "The real question is if you can catch an executive like me. You may always have plans but I am an executive for a reason you know?" you said in contrast to his flirt or what you counted as one, right now it seemed like a competition on who can flirt the most."The let's try it here then!" you almost choked "Dazai, what the heck?! Absolutely not, being executed today for dating someone from an enemy organization is not on my schedule today!!" you were slightly paranoid about this which only made dazai laugh lightheartedly."Would you do it if you didn't have your 'precious title' and was just a simple mafio-" before he could go further you shouted but a bit quietly so no one knows about this dirty talk between you two "NO!"

You sighed and turned around to leave "I am sure you can leave without my help" you said with your back turned against the former executive.

"Boss will probably come here to persuade you to join back" you said with a more serious tone, you never knew why mori had such an obesesion with the brown haired man but you always tried keeping him away from mori,it was the last thing you persnally wanted to do. Dazai had a small smile on his face "I remember your teary face from the night I left,," memories flash through your mind for a second, those bittersweet flashbacks of you, Dazai and chuuya back in the mafia when you were teens "I barely cried that time you know, though I won't deny it did quite made me distraught,,," you say the last word quietly even though he was right.

"That's okay, I got to see your teary face on that specific night" you choked on your spit by his words, he really had to ruin those memories by his dirty jokes. The executive turn around with a face mixed with disgust and embarrassment. "Dazai I swear to god-anyways I have work to do" you uttered out to him, turning your head around him again to the staircase as you heard a click from the back your eyes glanced back, of course he unlocked the chains bounding him against the wall, those chains were nothing to the chains you bounded in his heart in those 2 empty years of his life.

As the man rotates his wrists you only sigh in his antics but then walk toward him with a darkened expression. "Hm? Already mis--"

Before he could tease further your lips clash against his, the tension which was in the room before now replacing with the astonished man melting in your sweet kiss, oh god he could taste a nice arousing smell in your mouth, something sweeter then chocolate.

You only grinned at his shocked face, you loved it when you caught him off guard. Dazai's face returned to normal instantly, he can't be vulnerable In front his lovely `enemy' can he?

"Now come on, I know a passage which leads all the way to the outside" you break the mini silence between the two of you as time was running short. Mori could come any time now.

Dazai ran with you while looking at you with a cheeky smile which you suddenly realized "Hey what's with t-that smile" laugh "No reason" you only sighed as you showed him the tunnel, looking here and there to check if there's anyone.

"Oh! by the way,, belladonna, remember once I make a remark I always accomplish it. So be careful when you enter home today!"

A/N: This will be a long FANFIC!! Hurray get down all comfy! guys bcs the next chaps will be long with slight suggestive themes and oh hohoho LOADS of Cigarettes out the windows angst!

Divider crds: @v6que , @chachachannah on Tumblr!

Reblogs and like are very much appreciated!

[alwaysthefool]

beautiful monster (chuuya x you)

warning; cheating, major angst, toxicity, abuse, suicide mention

It was a moment of weakness under influence. He never wanted you to find out, he loved you so much, it was beyond him to even do something like that. But in that moment, in that club alone, with the overwhelming feeling of the physical world fading and the thing inside his mind speaking, he needed just any human's touch. Just where did his friends go off to? They should've stopped him.  

He woke up with a stranger next to him, and the sound of you packing your bags.

"[Name]?" He took in the situation, still a little groggy from the hangover. "You're back from your trip."

Through your tear stained and red face, you laughed. That was possibly the worst thing he could've said. "Yeah, I wanted to surprise you." You didn't even want to look at him, grateful most of your stuff was packed already, shoving in the important things you had left in his penthouse in your bag. "Turns out, you gave me a surprise too."

He finally returned to his senses, shoving the stranger off his body, yelling at them to leave. "Psycho." They murmured, gathering their clothes and walking out. He put on his boxers, and ran straight to you, holding your bags. "You're not leaving, let me explain." His voice was shaky too, his skin red from the plethora of feelings inside him. He wanted to scream, he wanted to get angry, he wanted to cry, and he wanted to comfort you. You didn't deserve that.

"Get off of me." You told him calmly, still not looking at him. He was never one to go against your wishes or handle you roughly, but he couldn't let you go. You were the only one for him in the world and if you left, it would be shattered. So he held on to your hands tighter, holding you by his wrist as if you were some mafioso that needed a lesson, the other one pushing your hair off your face, holding you so you faced him. "Please, listen to me."

"Don't." You warned, trying to squirm your hands free. It was so useless. Even without his ability, you couldn't do anything against him. All you could do was scream at him, and so you did. "Get the fuck off of me!" You started crying again, after working so hard to keep it in, you couldn't anymore. You couldn't even stand, and you found it hard to breathe. Chuuya moved to hold you tight against him, sitting on the floor with you, the same floor you used to prance around in, trying to distract him as he went over some mission reports from work.

You never once did anything wrong. Nothing at all to deserve it.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He held your head tightly, stroking your hair as you repeatedly flung your fragile fists on his chest. He just wanted you to calm down, but despite his almost choke-hold, you were beyond consolation, screaming and crying.

"How could you?" You cried, hysterical and still struggling to breathe from just how much you were crying. "I did everything for you, I gave you everything!"

Your words were starting to get twisted, and Chuuya knew you'd pass out if you didn't calm down. He had seen his men break the same way. What you needed was someone you trusted to hold you, and it killed him to know it wasn't him anymore. He was hurting the same way, but all those years taught him to keep himself calm in situations like these. And rationally, he couldn't let you leave. He knew you wouldn't come back if you did. 

He let go of you, and you stepped away, leaning against the wall to cry. "You took everything from me, Chuuya." The pain was too much for you to bear. Your mind was in a thousand different places, your head blaring from pain. You still managed to use your energy into speaking. "I gave you my virginity, I lied to my parents for you, I gave up everything to live in this city with you. I cut off friends, I lost everyone."

Chuuya's mind raced to how Dazai had treated the people he dated. They got out of relationships with him in the exact same situation you had.

"What the fuck?" Your voice was raised again. "How the fuck did I mean so little to you?"

"LISTEN TO ME!" He yelled back at you, and you sobbed at the way he spoke to you. "I love you more than myself, more than anything else. I made a fucking mistake, [Name]. I was drunk and alone, I didn't realise-"

"You were drunk." You laughed, your voice already hoarse from all the screaming. "What kind of excuse is that? What kind of excuse for being a piece of shit-"

"Watch yourself." His selfish instincts kicked in, never thinking he'd use that tone with you. You, his most precious one, having to hear the words he saved for criminals and enemies "I'm not going to listen to you scream whatever you want."

Your sobs had calmed down, as if expecting this. "I'm leaving."

"You're not doing that either." He took a deep breath, pulling your bags away from you, getting up and putting on a shirt and his sweats. "I'll die before I let you go."

"I want to die." You held your knees, no longer crying, eyes droopy from the exhaustion. He truly had taken everything from you, changing your life and then betraying you. But whatever happened, you could never bring yourself to forgive him, you'd never live with someone who disrespected you that way. You had scolded him so many times about alcohol, about clubbing, about his friends that did not seem to like you, considering you weren't from the mafia.

"What did you say?" Your words seemed to set loose Chuuya's fury. You wish you'd die? You of all people saying that, no, you couldn't. You weren't allowed to. You were the only person in the world who shouldn't have said those words. You didn't deserve to.

"They were beautiful, by the way." You met his blazing eyes with your own puffed one, a look that immediately made Chuuya want to console you. "When you held me, I could smell them on you."

Shit.

"I think I wasn't good enough. You should be with someone that beautiful, someone your friends could also grow to like, someone who also likes wine."

"No." Tears fell out of his eyes as he tried to hold you again, but you shielded yourself, leaving him to just claw at your arms. "No, there's no one else for me but you. You're more than perfect."

"Chuuya." You cried again, amazed at how many tears you had. "I've never been this hurt before in my life."

"I'm sorry, I'll never-"

"Let me go, right now." You pleaded. You had enough of his convincing. You made up your mind. He should have known that. But Chuuya was equally stubborn. He shook his head through his tears, hugging your knees.

"If you don't, I'll hurt myself." He didn't know where you got the knife from as you pointed it to your neck, probably from his drawer when he took his eyes off you to put on his clothes. Shocked at the sight, he tried to yank it off you, but you held it so close to your neck, it produced drops of blood. "I'll kill myself. Right now, there's nothing I want more. So let me go."

Baby, that will leave a scar.

Nothing scared him more than the thought of something happening to you, so he stepped away. "Please give me another chance."

What a beautiful notion. 'Another chance'. But you could never. You stood up on trembling knees and picked up your bags with bruised hands. You didn't know anyone in the city that wasn't one of Chuuya's friends, so you'd have to take yourself to the airport.

"At least let me take care of you." He tried to support you, to hold your bags, but you pushed him off again. That was the end of the relationship that took everything out of you. You were determined you never wanted to see him again, and you wouldn't.

"I'll find my own way."

-------------------------------------------------

pssssst, how would you like part 2 to be? shall i sprinkle in dazai?

[im-a-chunky-potato]

^^ @squidsandthings Here's the thing, but from Chuuya's pov!

Next week. Next week would mark the anniversary of the flags Death.

How many years had it been? Too many. Far too many. He should be rotting next to them, his decaying flesh revealing the monster beneath his skin.

...

He swore he would be easier on himself this year. But It's too late...maybe next year. He planned to drown himself in the sensation of wine, maybe go get some flowers for their grave.

They would call him sappy, but it eased the pain. Turned the storm into more of a strong breeze, eased the churning in his stomach.

In a few minutes, it was decided. He would buy some flowers and bring them some of their favorite things. Motorcycle oil, a deck of cards, whatever they seeked.

Without warning, a gentle tap on his shoulder sent him into a spiral.

Who's there? Are they planning to attack me? What do they want? Are they dangerous?

He was trained for this. Always the sharp and cunning soldier. Without hesitation he activated his ability and sent the person flying.

It didn't sound right. He knew what the enemies sounded like as they hit the wall. It was a heavy sound, a thunk that shook him everytime he did it. But this was softer, a lighter sound. Almost like...

A child.

That couldn't be it, he glanced over- and puked right down in front of him. It was a child, a boy with blonde hair. It took him a moment to recognize it, but it was the farmer.

Kenji Miyazawa. A sweet kid with a respectable ability. He seemed to respect Chuuya, something he couldn't wrap around.

But this wasn't how he should be. Already the air was thick with blood, bones popping out in ways they never should. He had to do something and fast.

"Shit- Kid!!! Get up, please, I need to know you're alive, please Kenji."

Even to himself his voice sounded pathetic, too desperate and wracked with despair. It hasn't been like this...since...since that day.

And suddenly he was back there. His friends groans of pains, the way he clinged onto them and was forced to watch helplessly as they died.

Its his fault. Again. Everyone he finds enjoyable is struck down and killed. He's cursed. A monster. He deserves to be isolated.

He snaps out of it once he notices the boy open his eyes. He couldn't do this...he can't be responsible for another death. He trembles, shaking under the weight of his guilt.

"Kenji...I didn't...I didn't mean to...I swear." He shouldn't be like this. He doesn't deserve to sound pathetic or scared. He did this, didn't he? Just like with everyone else.

"Kenji...please...please hold on" Even then he continues to whisper his pathetic words. He always was a failure at keeping promise wasn't he. Kenji seems to want to speak- but he can't say a word.

Chuuya can feel the touch of death looming around. It's cruel and sickeningly sweet, it fills any room it is. Chuuya would know.

Tears fills his eyes. He can't. There's nothing to do. It's far too late to save anyone. He fails another soul, and yet all he can do is sob.

Fucking Pathetic.

He stays there, his cries growing louder and louder. He can't breathe. He can't breathe. He can't breathe.

"I'm sorry"

Its quiet, but the words echo throughout his brain. Why is he apologizing to a demon? A God of calamity? The one responsible got all of this?

Before he can say any of this, Death receives its gift. The child is taken away, and all that's left is the unwanted soul, the one so corrupted no one will ever steal it. The raging soul. The one who wants it to be him, the one who stares death straight in the eye and is still ignores.

Perhaps his cries are heard from the heavens. But like always:

He's ignored.

[mistressoftheelderitchwhorehouse]

You and the Shadows That Trail Alongside You Episode 1

Trigger Warnings: Anxiety

Fandom: Bungo Stray Dogs

Pairing: Dazai x OC / Chuuya x OC

Notes: Welcome to a deeply personal story. It's just a self insert fic making me, an adult black woman with many a mental health issue, face my demons. If it helps anyone else? Awesome. A name is never used, so it would qualify as a reader insert if you like.

Enjoy

____________________________

If I had lived a different life, I think I would have been a Literature major. Actually, I almost was. I wanted to go to school for it out in Atlanta, but that idea was popped the moment it was asked how I would feed myself, if I could make money, and did it translate to skills for when robots inevitably took my job.

Needless to say I went to school for something else.

However, the idea still lingered. Hell, I would argue it expanded as I got older. American literature was fun, English Literature was my first love, and then there was Japanese literature....

I was introduced to it thanks to a friend, and I fucking loved it. Sitting in alher living room, watching this anime called Bungo Stray Dogs, made me fall in love with not just Japanese literature, but the entire written word all over again. With the themes that could be woven with just ink and paper, lessons that could burn your soul, and all in a rather pretty package.

I was more than a bit smitten with the idea.

Literature.

Reading.

Writing.

Maybe I dug a little too deep into my latest hyperfixation. Plunged my hands a bit too far wanting more, more, more. Everyone always joked that my greatest vice was greed, and I always agreed with them without a hint of hesitation. Whether it was money, love, or just hyperfixations I just wanted more.

And now it had called in its debt.

Because how else did one explain waking up in the middle of an unfamiliar city?

I was damn near a hermit. I left my house only on Mondays and Thursdays at the insistance of my friends. Hell, I rarely left my own bedroom.

I stared at the cars that zoomed past on the street only a few feet away from where I sat on a bench. The stench of gasoline was comforting, something that felt familiar and safe. All that was missing was cigarettes and pine.

I tilted my head back and groaned. "Please for the love of christ focus! You're supposed to be getting courage to ask for directions, remember?"

Directions, a lift, even a half hearted shrug would be nice. However, that meant approaching someone, which meant talking to someone, which meant showing off my poor Japanese skills...

I glare at the very clearly Japanese street sign, as if it was the reason I was procrastinating.

"Oh yeah! And remember that one time-"

My head whipped around and I watched a young woman walk down the street with a well to do looking man. Both of them appeared Japanese, and the words that I could understand, more than I swore I studied, came easily enough.

I worried my bottom lip and watched them go further down the road. Then, just as they turned a corner, I finally picked myself up and hurried after them. Concrete warmed my feet, and the cool breeze dried the beginnings of tears as I hurried.

A sharp pain in my shoulder had me stumbling, and I twisted around just to get a brown haired man only inches in front of my face. "Oi!"

I blinked as he said... Honestly, I wasn't sure what he was saying. Either he was trying to sound tough or he didn't care to enunciate, either way he didn't open his mouth enough for me to understand his Japanese.

Probably not realizing I didn’t understand him, or maybe he didn't care, he continued talking. It didn't take a genius to realize he was furious by his tone.

"Hey, lay off Satoshi. It's a civilian for fuck's sake."

The man straightened up and turned around. I took that as an oppertunity to mutter a quick sorry, before sprinting away.

Now to go cry instead of getting directions...

______________________________

The sky had dipped into a swirling array of pinks, oranges, and violets. The cold was starting to set in, and my tank top and skirt combo wasn't cutting it anymore.

I leaned against a shop and dug my bare arm against the still warm brick. I still hadn't gotten the courage to speak to anyone. More people had clogged the streets, and that led me to making myself scare in an alley for the past two hours.

Now that most people had dissapeared into bars, taxis, and their homes I had crept out of my anxiety hole with the intention to try again.

"Jesus. Now look, you're sleeping on the streets. Congrats!"

I do my best to ignore my own reflection in the shop window as I push myself off. It wasn’t the first time I'd slept in the elements against my will, but...

I curled my toes and grit my teeth as I looked around. When I spotted something neon at the edge of my vision I nearly twisted my head off to see it properly. Attached to a squat building appeared to be a bar. I darted across the street and stood outside the heavy wood door. If push came to shove I could pretend to be drunk. If push came to shove I could be a dumb gaijin.

It was okay.

It was okay.

I pushed the door open, and not a soul seemed to care. In fact, the only person who seemed to notice my existence was myself.

I sucked in a breath and stepped over the threshold, cold wood making my spine shiver and grilling meat made my mouth water. I made a beeline for the bar, making myself small and avoiding the bodies of the men that crowded the rather plain bar room.

I leaned against the wood bartop and a woman with her hair piled high and a bored expression approached. She looked me up and down once before raising an eyebrow.

"Foreigner, right?" She asked in slow English. "We don't serv American military-"

"I-I'm not!" I said. "Um, I'm just lost. I have no clue where I am."

"You're at Blue Moon Bar."

"N-no... In Japan. I don’t know where in Japan I am."

The woman raised an eyebrow, her gaze stuck on me even as she reached behind her for a beer and slid it down the bar. "In Japan? Are you intoxicated? Did you use drugs?"

"No! I'm defenitely sober. Look, is there an American Embassy nearby?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt a large, callussed hand touch my shoulder. "Lost in this world and seeking company. A feeling I know all too well."

I kept my gaze locked on the woman as I sidestepped away from the hand until I could no longer feel it. "So um, do you have the directions? I can read a map too if you don't want to tell me."

"Lost and learned! What a wonderfully bitter sweet taste. You're like Cantarella used to-Gak!"

I yelp as I knock into the bar, a painful jolt going up my ribs.

"Shit." The bar tender muttered.

"Dazai you stupid, womanaizing, self centered, egotistical, waste of bandages and air!"

"Hey only one of those is actually true!"

I pushed myself off the bar with a quickness I hadn't expressed since middle school. Standing next to me was a tall man that had hair that was a bright blonde. His hands were wrapped around a far too skinny man's neck, seemingly uncaring if this would kill him.

I knew these people.

I had seen them only a few hours ago from the safety of my best friend's couch.

I was screaming about how important character design was.

My friend was laughing at me and agreeing.

I could still taste the maple syrup that I had dumped on my eggs.

"Yokohama." I whispered the words to myself, and wrapped my arms around my middle. "I'm in Yokohama."

I jumped as Dazai was suddenly dumped in front of me, his hair disheveled and his coat hanging off one shoulder. "Now apologize! Can't you see she was uncomfortable?"

"I'm no good at English."

"Of course you're not."

Kunikida clicked his tongue and grabbed Dazai's head and forced him to bow. "My friend apologizes for his behavior. He never meant to make you uncomfortable." He seemed to increase his grip if Dazai's whining was any indicator, and switched to Japanese. "Right?"

"Yeah! Whatever you say!"

"Actually, Mr. Kunikida," The bartender said. "Can you help her? She says she's not with the military, and doesn't even know what city we're in." Her voice lowered, and she too switched to Japanese. "I think she might be one of the Port Mafia's red light girls."

I knew my face had to be as red as the district she spoke about. I twisted on my heel and I started to walk away. Whether from ebaressment or self preservation I could analyze in the safety of a dumpster-

"Ma~tte."

I stopped dead and stared at my bare feet. All it did was earn a chuckle that made me want to burrow into the wood and curl into subflooring.

"Well now," A pair of scuffed brown shoes appeared in front of my feet, and when I looked up, I was gazing into the amused face of Osamu Dazai himself. "Looks like this one does know Japanese. Right, Cantarella?"

____________________________

Was it a bar or a tea house? I knew the difference intellectually, but the whiskey was making my head swim and I couldn't grapple onto anything that wasn't in my immediate focus.

Like the men in front of me.

"And you're sure you don't remember being on that side of town?" Kunikida asked.

I looked up from my glass, the ball shaped ice cube no longer interesting. "I mean probably not? I suck at remembering directions. I got lost in my elementary school every year after summer vacation!"

"Awe, what a shame." Dazai reached for the whiskey glass, and I snatched it back. "You gave it to me."

"I did."

"So it's mine."

"Of course! I just didn't realize you were such a light weight."

Kunikida sighed and I swore he called us both children. I swallowed the words behind my teeth, and directed my gaze from Dazai's unamused expression to Kunikida's exhausted one.

"The embassy or whatever is probably closed, yeah? Fuckin the worst."

"And now she talks like a deliquent."

"I'd be impressed if she could say anything coherent at all." Kunikida snapped. "Look, it's clear she doesn't know anything about the Port Mafia. Let's drop her off with the police and go look for that tiger."

The tiger?

Wait.

Episode one? Wasn't Kat and I on episode whatever of season four? Didn't whatever God, demon, alien that sent me here know that much?

"Maybe you're right. Damn, and to think we could have cracked something before Ranpo."

"Not in your dreams." Kunikida said as he stood up. "Come on, Miss. Let's get you to the police."

"The river."

Kunikida raised an eyebrow. "What?"

I dropped my gaze back to my whiskey when I felt both of their stares against my skin. It was probably a rule or something, right? You didn't say anything to influence the plot. You didn't insert yourself in the plot. Fanfiction or issekai or whatever 101.

But...

It wouldn't hurt, right?

Just this once to do something like this.

To be more than just me?

I giggled at that, a snorting sound that I had hated since I was a teenager. "Oh god, I'm stupid. So stupid."

"Miss?"

I look up at them both, the grip on my glass so tight my fingers were going numb. "A tiger, right? I saw something near the river."

The detectives looked at each other, before Kunikida snatched the glass away and hauled me up. "Well, looks like we got something useful out of this exchange afterall."

"Huh?"

Dazai knocked the glass back with ease before grinning at me with a smile that was far too sharp to be normal. "We got ourselves a witness."

_____________________________

Translation Notes:

Matte: It can meet wait or stop in Japanese.

Cantarella: A sweet tasting poison said to be used by a certain family back in ye olden days.

[selfnss]

" you can kill me, you know. " dazai stares out the window of his shabby apartment. around this time of month, he can always see the moon from the window. he gazes out at it now, almost hoping it could swallow him whole. " i know you want to get rid of me after what i did to you. " his head slumps and rests against his knee. " i wouldn't mind if chuuya killed me. "

he did say that, didn't he? that he was going to kill the fucker for what he did - that one day he'd beat dazai to enough of a pulp that even the crafty bastard that he is couldn't survive it. chuuya remembers every threat of tearing his partner to pieces and burning what's left, remembers every time he wished dazai would just drop dead where he stands because at least then he wouldn't have to listen to his stupid voice anymore. he watches dazai sit there, curled up into a ball and looking like one good swing would be all it took, and chuuya thinks about how easy it would be to just do exactly that. how easily he could pull the knife from his belt and cut his throat, leave him to bleed out while chuuya stands over him.

he doesn't do any of that, though.

nakahara chuuya stands motionless a few feet away from the other half of himself and he feels something he hadn't expected to. something he hadn't factored into the countless daydreams of this very moment. he thinks it's relief. it burns its way down his throat and settles in his stomach as chuuya clicks his tongue in lieu of an immediate response. stupid asshole always thinks he knows best. stupid asshole doesn't even know the half of it.

"shut up." he thought he'd be angrier. he wants to be angrier. he wants to make dazai feel how he felt all those nights, drunk on wine and calling a number that won't pick up. he wants to make dazai hurt like he hurt chuuya. but then, they both know that dazai's perfectly capable of that without chuuya laying a hand on him or uttering a single word to him. fuck... he needs a cigarette.

"you're an idiot. everyone keeps sayin' how smart you are but i know you, dazai. i know exactly what you are--" why doesn't he sound angrier? where's the flash of white hot rage that's supposed to make all of this bearable? why is dazai osamu always the exception? why does the idea of his partner hiding in this shitty box of an apartment make chuuya feel more sick to the stomach than he did when he realised that dazai wasn't coming back - that his apartment was going to feel that big and empty and loud for a long time to come. chuuya's nose wrinkles, his lip curling upward in a snarl as he doesn't let himself think - as he just says what he's wanted to this whole time. "you're a coward - a traitorous, manipulative bastard who thinks he knows better than everyone else jus' 'cus you've got a few thoughts knockin' around in that stupid, thick skull of yours-- well... well you ain't--"

he doesn't know where he was going with this - doesn't know why he's taking a step closer to the man he wants to use as a punching bag until he can't feel his hands anymore. right? that is how he feels - isn't it?

"i don't care if you think you were savin' me when you abandoned me like that. i don't care if oda told you to go and save people and you thought you'd start with savin' me from the mess you were about to make but--fuck, dazai - i didn't ask for you to save me!" another step closer, he's within arms reach now and chuuya can feel the static in his skull ticking up and up and up the closer he gets - he can feel the poison filling his ribcage the longer he stands there and the more he lets himself rant. fists curled in his pockets tremble and chuuya's vision darkens. he could kill dazai right now. he could make it slow and painful like he promised he could... he could...

a hand appears between them. one that hooks itself 'round the back of dazai's neck and pulls his head into chuuya's chest with a tenderness that couldn't be more out of place compared to the way his voice had trembled with barely contained rage - barely contained destruction that wanted nothing more than to rip and tear until dazai understood.

instead? chuuya hugs dazai against himself and the silence - the blissful silence - that settles over them like a balm makes everything make sense again in the way that things can only make sense when he's with dazai - when they're together. when chuuya feels whole. his next words are muffled against the mop of dark hair, spoken against dazai's scalp as if it might make them easier to speak. "...i don't wanna kill you. i just... i just want my partner back. i always have."

[tatakaebomb]

Russian Roulette

ꕥ Pairing : Dazai Osamu x Reader

ꕥ Synopsis : “ Russian roulette is not the same without a gun, and baby when its love if its not rough, it isn’t fun ♡”

ꕥ Word count : 3.2k ( i got a little carried away )

ꕥ A/N : I only wrote this for my own sanity , not proofread bc thats for smart people // p.s just as a side note , this is an AU where Dazai never left the PM.

- i don’t expect much interaction but anyways, enjoy <3

ꕥ TW : alot. 18+, dark content , smut , rough sex, noncon/dubcon, unprotected, creampie, choking, oral ( f receiving ), fingering, teasing, spit lol, manipulation,heavy over stimulation, dumbification, russian roulette so gun n shit, use of slut and bitch like once, lil praise, dacryphilia if you squint, whole lotta mind games, dazai’s big dick, theres probably more honestly idk, lmk if i missed any.

You knew you wouldn't be able to get away with it, it was virtually impossible to not raise any suspicion among the rest of the port mafia - not when Dazai kept an eye out for you since you first joined.

At first you didn't want to do it, hell, you'd be lying if you said you weren't aware you'd dig your own grave if you gave away that secret to the Guild.

It was a foolish decision but the pay promised by their leader seemed rather enticing and who in their right mind wouldn't accept that amount of cash ?

Someone smart of course, you, however , rushed into things without thinking of the consequences.

Driven by your own greed , you threw away your loyalty to the P.M that you've been praised for - for years. All in exchange for some paper.

Truth be told, you should of thought more about the fact you can't spend the damn money if you're six feet under.

And you knew that deep inside, but somehow that trail of thought left just as quickly as it came when you saw the suitcase with stacks upon stacks of bills stuffed inside it.

You talked and you got your money. A smooth exchange, smoother than expected.

Its been quite a while since that happened, maybe a week or two - you've lost count of days since the feeling of guilt and the anxiety of getting caught has been slowly taking over your mind.

You had a long history with the mafia, the way they always treated you was an advantage due to your powerful ability. You quickly grew accustomed to going on missions along side Dazai and Chuuya and you felt like you gained the trust of everyone around you. Everyone but Dazai.

And just as it started to seem like you got away with it - just as you were silently celebrating and praising yourself for fooling everyone, the harsh reality hit you.

You'll never be able to trick a man like him, not when his ability to deceit and manipulate is much grater than yours.

You just fooled yourself into thinking you're safe- and even worse, Dazai just let you.

-

" Chuuya! let- go - " You struggled against the tight grip of the shorter man as he began dragging you along the hall by your wrist.

You pulled away back towards your room, he pulled you back towards Dazai's like almost you were playing tug of war.

" This is embarassing Y/N, even for you "

When he suddenly let go of your wrist, you fell down on the floor with a hateful look in your eyes, one he couldn't help but laugh at.

" You're making this much worse for yourself - just speak to him " He shook his head, leaning against the wall.

" Whatever he wants to talk about can wait, i'm tired and its 3 in the morning " You lifted your hand up, signalling for some help.

Chuuya stared down at you, his blue eyes fixating on your hand as he raises an eyebrow silently, not moving an inch.

This was weird to you since you considered him to be the closest out of everyone to you, usually you got along well so a cold rejection like this was nothing you ever came across before.

A bad feeling began to form in the pit of your stomach as you helped yourself up instead, dusting off your silk night gown with a sigh.

" Look, i'll go - if it's really that important " You muttered under your breath, rubbing your wrist as you bumped into his shoulder to pass him with a scoff.

You reach Dazai's room and you twist the door knob, pushing it open slightly while looking back for a second to see Chuuya staring back at you before looking down at the floor.

You shrug, knocking on the door a few times before letting yourself into the dimly lit room, the only source of light coming from a small candle in the middle of his desk.

" Dazai ? "

No reply, you step in further , leaving the door opened behind you.

You call out to him again only to be startled by the sound of the door slamming shut behind you, the air blowing out the candle in the process leaving only the moon light shining through the windows.

" Boo "

" Son of a -

You turn around quickly and throw a punch out of reflex which he catches with a sinister laugh.

" Did i scare ya ? "

You sigh of relief when you recognise his voice and your eyes start to adjust to the light but in a split of a second, you're spun around by him to face the window instead.

" Very fucking funn- " You choke on your words as a sinking feeling forms in the pit of your stomach when you feel the cold barrel of a gun placed to the back of your head, pushing you forward.

" I have to say, it's quite disappointing..." You hear the click of the door locking behind you making you freeze " but not unexpected "

" W-What are you talking about ? " You try to sound convincing as you feel the barrel push further into your head.

" You know exactly what i'm talking about "

You gulp involuntarily and shut your eyes, tilting your head back knowing you've already lost.

The pressure disappears as he lowers the gun with a smile and you hesitatingly open your eyes once you feel the warmth of his hand grabbing yours, leading you to take a seat at the desk.

You follow through silently as he takes a seat across from you, resting the hand holding his gun on the table with an expressionless face. The same one you could never read, no matter how much you tried.

" How much do you know ? " You finally crack, placing your shaky hands on the table as you avoid to stare into his brown eyes, the moon light reflecting off them.

" 1 million for the layout of our base, that does seem like a good deal " He grins, leaning back in his chair. You curse under your breath, your eyes widening as you realise just how fucked you truly are.

" I assume Mori already knows " You take a deep breath, accepting your fate at this point as you shakily reach for his hand, pulling it towards you so the barrel of the gun rests against your forehead. He frowns, looking at you from behind the trigger.

" P-Please spare me the torture and just kill me " You shut your eyes tightly and you hear the click of the gun being cocked back. And you wait. And nothing happens.

Dazai's laughter fills the room as you feel him pull away and you open your eyes, a sense of dread filling every part of your body.

" I can't fucking do this - please " You plead making him laugh more, waving the revolver around like a toy.

" So dramatic - i haven't told him "

Your eyes glisten with hope as those words roll of his tongue.

" Yet "

And just like that, you roll your eyes as you lay back in your chair. Too good to be true.

" What do you want, Dazai ? " You sit up in your chair trying to sound as confident as you can while watching him take out the bullets from the revolver.

All but one bullet.

Fuck. No. You knew where this was going.

" Play Russian roulette with me " He says casually, spinning the cylinder before placing it to his head.

You froze, puzzled expression on your face as you sit up from the table.

" Is this a fucking joke ?! " You spit out only to see his gaze silently turn to the same serious one and you knew he wasn't playing around.

Your mind runs with thoughts as adrenaline kicks in and eventually you slowly sit back down. It's either this or certain death and you realise you'd rather take your chance.

He wasn't the one to back down from a deal, let alone lie about one.

You nod hesitantly and he gives you a half smile, humming to himself before going over the rules.

" We spin the chamber every time and take turns - twist is, we have to say one last thing to each other and treat it as last words before pulling the trigger "

" H-How many turns ? " You nervously look down at the table before being forced to look up at him as he places his index finger under your chin, tilting it upwards.

" As many as i want " He gazes down at you coldly before retracting his hand leaving you speechless.

" I'll go first to ease your mind - "

" Wait wait wait - " You try to stop him,

“ Why are you doing this ? “

" Because i get a kick out of seeing a calm woman like yourself lose her shit " He grins, taking a deep breath before pulling the trigger with no hesitation.

Click.

You clench your teeth before taking the gun from his hand and spinning the chamber, pointing it at your head shakily as you maintain eye contact.

" You're a sick fuck and i never liked you " Your eyes tear up as you pull the trigger.

Click.

He chuckles as you breathe out before dropping the gun on the table, which he quickly picks back up.

" That's quite a shame, i've always liked you "

Click.

" Wh-What? " You furrow your eyebrows, your eyes glued to the man in front of you who looks eerily calm for the situation.

You impulsively snatch the gun from him, pointing it towards him instead.

" You're a fucking liar, all you ever do is treat me like shit " You choke on your words as you build up the courage to pull the trigger.

Click.

A small smile tugs out the corner of his lips as he stands up, kicking the chair behind him causing it to drop down with a loud thud.

" Come sit here, Y/N " He taps on the table surface in front of him and in that moment you mindlessly followed the instruction given, too mentally exhausted to try to fight this.

You shuffle onto the cold surface of the table, avoiding eye contact as you feel the gun being pulled away from your hand.

" Please... enough " You feel the knot in your throat as you try to speak, your vision slightly blurring as he gets closer to you, one hand resting on your thigh catching your attention.

You look up at him, his brown eyes looking darker as he bores into your soul, placing the gun to his head once more making you turn your head to look away.

You try to keep in mind that every last word and move he makes is calculated, it always is. This was all part of a bigger picture you couldn't see yet, you couldn't fall for it.

" Y/N, look at me " His voice is quieter as he tucks a strand of your hair behind your ear making you silently turn back to look at him, your heart feeling like its about to explode.

And you fell for it, the hatred in your eyes turned to pure concern as the silence grew louder, his bandaged hand cupping your cheek gently and for once in your life, you noticed his hand was shaking.

His usual calm and calculated demeanour seemed to fade and behind that you realised this part wasn't planned. This was pure impulse.

He brings his forehead closer to yours, his lips inches away from yours as he slowly pushes down on the trigger,

" I've always hated how close you and Chuuya are - part of me wanted you for myself "

Click.

" Shit, i said too much " He chuckles nervously , shaking his head.

Your eyes narrow in confusion, the words echoing in your head as he finally puts the gun down, pulling you in closer by the neck until your lips crash into a long kiss.

You push away, your mind still in a state of shock as you part lips.

" What the fuck...is wrong with you ? " You whisper out of breath, your eyes scanning his features chaotically making him laugh.

" You're having fun playing these mind games , huh?! Pathetic piec-" Your angry yell gets cut short by his hand tightening around your throat, making you struggle to talk.

" This is exactly how i pictured this - you're so predictable Y/N "

He suddenly picks you up, forcing you to wrap your legs and arms around him as he leads you to the bed, dropping you down on the mattress and firmly pinning your hands above your head.

The eye contact was killing you, seconds felt like minutes as you tried to struggle out of his grip.

" I played along Dazai - we - we had a deal " You choked on your words as you felt his hands slip up the silk material of your night gown, his slender fingers tracing circles around your thighs.

" Mm, but you called me a liar " His fingers begin to inch closer to the band of your panties, snapping it into place causing you to sharply inhale before letting them trail back along your thighs.

" Did you not ? "

" Fuck - I take it back - don't-"

You exhale deeply, your thighs starting to tremble slightly under his touch while he doesn't fail to take notice of.

" Too little too late darling " He smirks, his fingers tugging down at the thin material of your thong slowly revealing exactly what you didn't want him to.

You felt the cold air hit and thats the moment you knew you weren't imagining things. No, the mere soft touches from before really had you soaking although you knew this was wrong.

You couldn't possibly be turned on by him after everything, right? -

You get pulled out of your thoughts as you feel him grip tightly on your thighs, pulling them apart before he lowered his head between them.

" Fuck, you're dripping "

You looked down at him between your legs with a blush, the way his eyes pupils dilated in the dark light as he innocently gazed up at you.

" You want me too, don't you ? " He breathed against your skin, the small action enough to make you shift further into the bed.

You nodded your head no but you couldn't help the small embarassed smile that crept onto your face, you never imagined seeing Dazai in such a lewd position. His mouth inches away from your cunt, licking his lips impatiently.

He was always attractive but the way he was right now, the warmth of his touch and his intense gaze - you couldn't really blame yourself for being turned on.

He lifted his eyebrows in a nonchalant way with a smirk, not giving you any soft of warning before diving in, the tip of his tongue running circles around your clit.

You gasp, your thighs clenching around his head as he begins to move his tongue inside of you hungrily, his eyes never leaving yours as you tangle your hands in his hair.

" Shit - Dazai - don't " You cover your mouth in embarrassment after you let out a loud moan, your hips involuntarily buckling up to meet his every move.

He replaces his tongue with his 2 fingers, a sly smile plastered on his wet lips as he moves them knuckles deep inside you, quickly finding your spot as you cussed out begging for more.

"There - yes " You shut your eyes tightly, your hand slightly gripping the bed sheets next to you.

" Poor thing, you're gonna regret that "

Before you could process his words, he brings his head down for a kiss which you melt into, biting harshly at his lower lip as you feel yourself letting go on his fingers.

You open your eyes in a daze as he grabs your chin forcing you to part your lips before spitting in your mouth, his hand wrapped around your throat as you swallow obediently.

He tightens his grip, kissing the side of your mouth before quietly muttering something,

" You better start counting "

That was the first orgasm and you lost count after the 10th one as he continuously tortured you, his fingers feeling like they re going deeper and deeper while planting hickeys all down your neck to your tits.

Your body began to twitch as you pleaded with him, mouth hanging open as you felt yourself become more light headed with every touch of his.

" No more - please - can't " You whined, bottom lip trembling while looking up at him.

" Give me one more - and i'll stop " He whispers in your ear and at that exact moment you felt yourself cum again, your lower stomach burning as chant his name.

He takes his fingers out with a satisfied smirk, and you sigh of relief as he brings them up to his lips, licking them clean before kissing you, letting you taste yourself before pulling away suddenly.

" Guess what, slut ? "

You hum a response, not being able to say anything more as you saw him unzip his pants, taking out his cock before standing up and pulling your legs closer to the edge of the bed.

You widen your eyes at the size, looking up at him and chaotically shaking your head no as he looks at you amused.

" I lied " He lets out, tilting his head back with a quiet groan as you sit up slightly, your nails digging into his arms as you felt him push inside of you, the tip grazing past your over stimulated g spot.

" D-ah-Dazai " Your raspy voice calls out to him desperately as he starts picking up his pace, lowering down so you can wrap your arms around his neck as he drives himself deeper.

" Fuck - you're my bitch now mm? You'll follow my every word , is that clear ? " He bites down on your neck and you gasp, your mind going blank from pleasure as tears start running down your cheek.

" Yes sir , please - god -" You squeal as you clench down on him, your eyes shutting close as you cum again, your body feeling limp as you loosen up the hold on him.

He bites his lip at the sight, tears staining your face as your breathing becomes heavier and heavier, the way you continuously clench around him as your hands try to push him away.

He plants a kiss on your forehead before he sloppily drives himself into you a few more times, his pace slowing down.

" Good girl - ah" He moans , his head thrown back as you feel yourself get filled with his cum, your body jolting under his as you both try to catch your breath.

He pulls out and zips his pants back up while you curl into a ball, a small tired laugh leaving you as your body continues to shake.

" Fuck - you really are insane "

He chuckles quietly and you hear the knocks on the door making him step away slowly as he straightens his tie, fixing up his hair quickly before he unlocks the door.

You widen your eyes as he opens the door , your eyes meeting Chuuyas shocked face from the hallway before Dazai lets the door completely open, turning back around to face you.

No way.

You desperately try to pull the covers over you but your body couldn't move so you settled on covering your face instead. The embarrassment consuming your whole body.

" Not one word to Mori about any of this, ok ? " You hear Dazai's tired voice say before you hear the click of the door shutting and you slowly take your hands away from your face.

Your head turns to look at the clock which now showed 7:00 AM.

Crazy son of a bitch.

You sink your head into the pillow trying to ignore the embarrassment you were feeling and the fact you actually just agreed to be Dazai Osamu’s bitch.

Little did you know, this was just the beginning .

[shippaidan]

no one says that they are afraid of love as beautifully as you do

>>chapter: one >>pairings: chuuya x fem!reader | dazai x fem!reader >>genre: angst >>status: ongoing >>words: 1,4k >>cw: she/her pronouns for reader, implied alcohol abuse, swearing, smoking, spoilers!

series masterlist | next chapter

NUMB.

A long forgotten cigarette rested between her fingers. The silent darkness of the night seemed to seep into her soul, staining her insides the heaviest shade of black. Mafia black. The weight of the universe almost crushed her shoulders, as if she suddenly had to carry all the stars in the sky. The moon, which until now had been her best companion during her nightly vigil, was now laughing in her face. You were left alone again.

She hadn't felt such an immense emptiness in a very long time. The last time was probably when she was barely thirteen years old, wandering the streets, looking for her place on earth. Looking for a bit of space where she could squeeze her frozen, frail body in without bothering anyone. In those moments, it was just her and the night sky full of stars. Exactly like tonight.

She didn't like to dwell on her painful past, yet this evening the overwhelming void in her heart wouldn't let her think of anything else.

So many years had passed, but the feeling of being abandoned still unsettled her whole body as much as ever. There was a stoic composure on her face and her lungs were filled with cigarette smoke, yet her heart and soul shook as if she was that frightened thirteen-year-old girl again, abandoned once more by people who were supposed to be her anchors.

Her mournful musings were disturbed by the echo of footsteps stepping in elegant shoes. She didn't want to see anyone. She wanted to drown in solitude in the depths of her own grief and suffering. She wanted to be alone.

"Got one to spare?" a familiar voice asked. Without raising a blank gaze, she put the cigarette between her lips and with her free hand pulled the entire pack from the breast pocket of her black shirt. She handed it to the familiar man, hoping she wouldn't have to explain her state. That he would drop the issue and let her sink in quietly. They could return to the conversation tomorrow, once she had everything sorted out in her head. But not tonight. Please not tonight.

"What's up?" he spoke up again after a few moments, leaning against the wall beside her. "You were doing so well at that whole "staying sober" thing."

As if surprised, she looked at her left hand, in which she was holding an empty wine bottle. Ah yes, she had bought it that evening after all.

Who was she trying to fool? Chuuya would never let her carry the burdens of reality alone. He wouldn't be able to ignore her miserable state. Especially when she was so visibly weak and vulnerable, and her mask of an unshakeable and powerful executive of the mafia completely drained away in lieu of the tears she had been unable to shed for years.

As if sensing her reluctance, he sighed quietly and lit a cigarette. He gazed at the starry sky, waiting for any reaction from her, but after a moment he accepted that she apparently did not want to talk about her day. He hoped that whatever happened, he wasn't too late to save her from her destructive thoughts and complete shutting herself off from the world. For now, he was going to stay beside her, even in silence, and give her at least a small piece of the feeling that she wasn't alone.

"Bad day?" she spoke up in a hoarse voice, getting the young man's attention. "You don't usually smoke."

"You bet. I got new annoying job from boss, everyone has been pissing me off today and on fucking top of that, some idiot blew up my car. It could have been better."

"That sucks."

"Yeah."

There was another painfully long silence between them. Thoughts floated around each other, eyes danced among the stars. She debated internally whether or not to tell him the truth. It would come out anyway, so she should be the one to break the news to him. But would she be able to squeeze it out of her grief-stricken throat? Pushing unnecessary thoughts to the back of her mind, she pulled herself together and spoke again.

"Have you heard about Oda?"

"What about him?"

"He's dead." She blew cigarette smoke out of her mouth. "And Ango was a mole." A trembling laugh tore from her throat. God, how grotesquely funny it was. In an instant, her entire world that she had so carefully been building was irretrievably gone. She felt as if fate was taunting her. As if it was mocking her hope of having any place on earth. After all, she had been proven so many times that she did not deserve happiness. Not even a small fraction of it. She should have seen this coming by now.

Her last remaining solace was the man right next to her, and even though she wasn't a religious person, in that pitiful moment she prayed to all the gods that at least he wouldn't abandon her.

"What about-"

"He left." she interrupted him, putting out the remains of her cigarette with the sole of her shoe.

"What?" Chuuya didn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. He wouldn't do that, would he? He wouldn't dare.

...

Would he?

Chuuya looked at her thoroughly for the first time that evening. At first glance, she looked perfectly normal. Well, maybe her hair was a little less put together, and the shirt unbuttoned at the collar didn't fit her style either, but other than that, she looked just like she usually did. There was just one detail that would have escaped anyone but Chuuya. She didn't have a gaze so devoid of emotion even in her worst moments.

He already had his suspicions that something terrible happened as soon as he saw her, but he hoped with all his might that the truth would turn out to be completely different.

"Dazai" saying his last name turned out to be more difficult than she expected. After all, she had always called him Osamu. Perhaps it was some pathetic attempt on her part to distance herself. Either way, it wasn't working. A burning pain erupted in her chest, taking her breath away. "He's gone. He left the mafia."

She cringed at the sound of her own voice. So weak and so unlike the commanding and confident one she usually has. The weight of her own words completely crushed her. She wasn't fully aware of them yet, as if she still couldn't realize that her old life wasn't coming back. It wasn't until she said those few words out loud that everything became so painfully real. „He left me. He left both of us.”

Silence. There were no adequate words Chuuya could get out of himself to give her a bit of reassurance. Hell, he didn't know how he was supposed to handle this information himself. He wanted so badly for his suspicions not to come true. Once again, he was disappointed. And hurt.

"The boss knows?" he asked, not quite sure which way to take this conversation.

"Not yet. But it's only a matter of time before he figures it out." She pulled out another cigarette and lit it. Chuuya, however, nimbly took it out of her hand and threw it on the ground. Annoyed, she raised her eyes to glare at him, but when they caught eye contact with each other, it hit her. The azure of his eyes held sorrow and compassion so great that a burning pain wracked her heart once again. Only the soft whisper of her name was carried into the darkness of the night, as if he was trying to gently pull her from the torment she was inflicting on herself.

Chuuya's heart was breaking twice as hard at the sight of her suffering. He cursed quietly under his breath, then pulled her into his embrace and wrapped her up as tightly as if he was trying to put her crumbling pieces back together. And she let him.

She let him, just in the hope that maybe his embrace would somehow magically ease her numb pain.

[simpforchuchu]

Hey hi! Can I request hcs for Chuuya and Dazai with an s/o who is terrified of the darkness and gets really bad anxiety after watching an horror video without knowing it was an horror video? This happened to me today and I can't even sleep now 🤡

Dazai/Chuuya x s/o who is terrified of the darkness

a/n: Oh poor baby :( Im sorry for that happened to you :( I hope you feel better as soon as possible, here is your request.I hope you like it  love ya 🥺🥰

Requests are open, if you want me to write something, just let me know 😊

Sorry for the grammer or spelling mistakes.English is not my main language so...

Thank you and love you 🥰

Warnings: none

Chuuya

• You paused with the video that suddenly appeared on your computer that you didn't know what it was, and now you knew what it was.

• As soon as you understood the concept of the video, you turned off the computer and left the table.

• Horror videos always scared you, no matter how hard you tried to convince yourself, your heart could be heard a mile away.

• You knew Chuuya would be home late, it seemed like a good idea to hide under the covers until he came and so you did.

• But unfortunately you ran to bed so fast that you forgot to turn on the lights and now you can't find the courage to get up and turn them on again.

• You tried to stay with the light of your phone and silently tried to watch funny videos Unfortunately your phone was going to let you down too because it was almost dead and your charger was on the table across the room.

• You took a deep breath and tried to calm down but your anxiety was making everything worse and worse.

• You knew you were having a panic attack when you couldn't breathe and your chest started to hurt.

• Moreover, even the walls in the dark room reminded you of very bad things.

• You began to take deep breaths with fear and dread.

• At that time, the lights suddenly came on and you screamed and scared your boyfriend who was looking at you from the door.

• Chuuya quickly approached you and crouched next to the bed.

• "Hey, hey it is me. What's the matter? What happened? Why are you sitting alone in the dark like this?"

• You tried to answer, but your deep breaths and hiccups prevented it. Chuuya sat on the bed and pulled you towards him, resting your head on his chest, slowly started stroking your hair and hugging you tightly

• " 'y/n' ? What happened baby? Please tell me, you're scaring me. Do you want me to get you water?"

• You shook your head quickly and gripped his arms tightly.

• "Okay, I'm not going. I'm here. I'll always be by your side, I'm not going anywhere."

• After a while, when your heartbeat slowed and you felt like you could talk, you told him what had happened. You expected him to make fun of you or laugh at you, but he didn't.

• "I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner darling, please call me in situations like this, okay? I'll also buy a lamp next to our bed tomorrow."

• "You don't hate me? That was stupid?"

• Chuuya smiled and patted your head at what you said

• "I know how scary the dark can be, honey, I understand you. But remember, if someone tries to hurt you, your love can be scarier than the dark."

• You both knew it was true even though you both laughed at his last words

Dazai

• You still couldn't sleep because of the video your friend made you watch and right now you were scared to death.

• If you knew that video was scary you would never have watched it but when you found out it was too late...

• Even after hours, you were still nervous while walking around the house and you were afraid at the slightest sound.

• Dazai still hadn't come home and you didn't know what to do

• You turned on the lights in all the rooms and started cooking in the kitchen

• It was already past midnight and you were too afraid to go to bed

• When there was nothing left to do, you nervously sat on the sofa in the living room and hugged your blanket.

• Even though the lights were still on, your anxiety and bad thoughts were making everything harder.

• When your eyes started to fill with fear, you hugged yourself and buried your face in your knees and waited for Dazai to come.

• But you were so full of fear that when you screamed at the sudden sound of the door, Dazai ran into the house

• " 'y/n" ! Where are you ?"

• When he came to the hall, seeing you in a corner, he realized that something was wrong and came to you quickly.

• "Baby, are you okay? Why are you crying?"

• He held you tight and hugged you as you lifted your head and rushed towards him.

• When you told him what had happened, he picked you up and wrapped you in a blanket and hugged you tightly and tried to calm you down by playing with your hair.

• "I'm with you okay? Nobody or nothing can hurt you. I won't sleep until you do, don't worry. Go to sleep now, you look so tired."

• He will even hum some soft songs for you to sleep and when you sleep he will lay you on your bed and hug you tightly.