#but here i am being so very loud
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i need to apologize to everyone in my life because i just realized i get so much louder when i'm drinking
#rae irl#i should do a tag for when i'm drinking#rae gets drunk#i already don't shut up#i also have no concept of how loud i'm being#so normally i err on the side of caution and am quiet#but here i am being so very loud#also singing#well narrating what i'm doing in song
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(chuckles) Im so good at reading comprehension and my meat is huge
#porter's lines in the preview..... I am prepared to be correct. and so so smug#cannot believe they touched upon clone politics as well. just. absolutely insane ep#fhjy spoilers#actually Im returning here to bask in what might be with the preview. this place sucks why do you save it?#that question is always so Integral to my writing brain its like being struck with lightning seeing that worded#why do you hold onto the coherence that you do? at what point do you abandon your morals?#why do you save the world? why do you do it again and again?#but very specifically with the bad kids I think itd both hit hard for them to hear it said out loud#that like. yeah! actually none of it ever has to be this way does it. all of it is started by someone and maintained by someone#you can shift the world. this fucking weirdo we're fighting is doing it right now! the door exists!#but also like 5 out of 6 of them would immediately be like fuck OFF my PARENTS LIVE HERE#and also specifically fig and gorgug would kill porter no matter what he says bc they just hate him#and it owns. this bitch should learn the consequences of working with teenagers#also I think shooting those cannons is like the closest riz has ever gotten to a moment of mindfulness#kid was doing self searching n introspection on top of those guns. eugenia got there at the breakthrough#I believe in you baby boy. rob a bank get that tuition the world is your oyster
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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🫠
#like ok I know I’m being self centered and borderline self obsessive and narcissistic for taking so much time to dwell on this but#what is it about ME that makes people so crazy like I know of other accts w more followers than I have and afaik theirs aren’t as rab#*rabid as mine are lmfaooooooo#like I know that so many of you are so incredibly kind and so lovely and honestly that’s why I’m still here#but there is just a very tiny but extremely loud minority who are vicious and fucking relentless#I won’t go into detail but yeah it even bleeds into my life irl and them making a point to intimidate me#in the real physical 3D world not online like my daily actual life#and I just don’t know what it is like idk why idk what it is that I do or have done#(not to be problématique but) it’s not even like I post thirst traps or pics of myself at ALL#IIRC I haven’t for like over 4 yrs now lmao. it’s not an issue of me intentionally drawing attn it’s just me Existing on here???#idk I just am so upset by it if I think too hard about it. idk.
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#ok so mini rant session#i am doing a bit better today - little less distraught over getting fired from a job i thought i was doing pretty good at and i was trying#really hard and genuinely enjoying#and just more baffled because truly i had no warning and i was completely blindsided#i was in the middle of a 3 month trial and i would have a review at the end in which i would be offered a permanent position if it went well#and i thought i was making my way towards that! granted i was still making mistakes but genuinely not of such a great scale i thought it#called for my immediate dismissal#that being said i was still VERY MUCH IN TRAINING. i had only been there A MONTH AND A HALF learning COMPLETELY NEW SYSTEMS#and i was told that i had been there a few weeks already and that i wasn’t catching on quick enough. that there were some areas i was#understanding and others i just simply wasn’t#and i asked what areas specifically so that i could learn more and try harder#and they didn’t give me a specific answer.#ok and so. so. i have this insecurity.#that at first impression people will like me. that they may think i’m pretty or kind or funny or whatever#but then they spend time with me or get to know me and realize that that’s all bullshit.#that i’m actually not pretty and im mean and loud and selfish and lazy and rude and etc etc etc#MASSIVE fucking insecurity in that like that’s why i genuinely don’t have friends or a significant other#and that genuinely i’m just a Bad Person#and when i was fired? i was told ‘a persons true colours show after a few weeks’#so that’s MAJORLY fucking me up.#when i was hired i was boasted to about my boss’s hiring process and how she’s ’only been fooled twice’#and the morning before i was fired in a meeting my supervisor told everyone that i was doing quite well.#so yeah i truly had no fucking warning. at fucking all.#hurt and confused and angry and baffled and did i mention hurt#anyways if you’re still here i’m sorry i know this is not a good look for me
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He thinks he soo fuckin pretty, smh (he is)
#this was the ballin' option from that poll btw#he calls Henry “dork” a lot#but not in a mean way ofc#he just likes to use nicknames a ton#also new canon things imma hide here#he is SO CRACKED at Dance Dance Revolution#he went to the arcade a lot as a kid and played it every time#he's had that jersey since high school btw#and more Toppat!Cameron lore I'll put here#ofc his personality is gonna differ slightly from the og so#he picked up a lot from Reg#he's a BRAT and he's a STINKY SPOILED RAT (AFFECTIONATE)#he's got an even bigger ego and he's even more full of sass and sarcasm#he's still strong but not as strong as og Cam because no military training n such so he's more puntable#on the other hand he's a bit smarter#also he crushes big time on Sven and somewhat Burt OoOOOOoOoo#Toppat!Cam is very good at lying and being sneaky#meanwhile og Cam is in the kitchen at 4 AM BEING THE LOUDEST THING EVER AND ENDS UP WAKING EVERYONE UP#bags crinkling loud footsteps cabinets closing and maybe a “dammit” every once in a while when he drops somethin#back to og Cam I think his cat is gonna be named Max#he's got one of those 1 braincell orange cats and he loves that thing to death#he got the cat about 5 years ago when he decided to take a break from dating to cope#okok last thing I promise#I've been working on yet another version of Cam lately and I'll draw him very soon I think ya'll will LOVE it#I sure do already#/#cameron calvin#henry stickmin#thsc#the henry stickmin collection
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#yelling into the void#thinking out loud#may delete later#probably being a little melodramatic#but on evening where I feel the brink of a spiral#it is a considerable fear that once this project is complete#I will have nothing left to cling to and am more likely to succumb to to the whims to just vanish into the night#not in a kill myself sort of way but in a lets have another unprompted hiatus sort of way#these are all completely unfounded#I have more now than the last few times I did#actual friends more than acquaintances who I would not so easily justify a sudden dissapearance#it used to feel as though my impromptu projects were all that drove me#but that isn't true anymore#I only wish I could do more to show the gratitude for saving me more times than you may be even aware#That last one def sounds very melodramatic especially considering Ibjust said I was not actively suicidal#but I remember what it felt like the last time I even got close to it#and it all started with the small thought of what if I just vanish from this site...would anyone even notice?#Anyway......long rambling is long#Thank you again whether or not you read or see this but thank you for keeping me here
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this election feels so hollow even though it’s likely ostensibly gonna be a good outcome. labour really just sucks fucking ass rn huh
#if the tories lose bad enough to make lib dems the opposition though… a guy can hope#I think it’s the fact that this is the first general election I can vote in that’s making me lose my mind a little here#I have done basically nothing but read today. I DO know a whole bunch more abt voting systems and the nightmare the tories have been now tho#I’m just kinda like. okay so what happens next? bc labour WILL do some decent shit but they also. fucking suck.#planning to look into the local green party once I’m back at uni bc I could actually do stuff there#I think I’m just dealing with a little bit of whiplash going from doing a biology degree where Everything is about climate change#like unambiguously it gets brought up in every topic (I DO focus on ecology and agricultural stuff and not like genetics but still)#clear consensus from literally everyone you talk to that shit has to happen right the fuck now.#it’s not even like I’m unaware of the state of policy rn I KNOW it’s a nightmare to do anything but we at least TALK about it#and then this election where it’s barely a footnote. biggest thing is the sewage dumping everyone’s talking about and yeah fucking finally#but is that all you’ve got?? the labour manifesto is bleak. it has a section and the stuff they’re proposing isn’t bad but it’s so little#and yeah no they’ve changed the official line on the manifesto to ‘make Britain a clean energy superpower’#I SWEAR it was different a few days ago#maybe I’m being pessimistic bc their plans for clean energy if they actually do them could be huge especially if they manage it by 2030.#it’s just that I know what the targets are and they’re already pulling back on shit like EVs bc of the shift right and I am So Tired#two party politics is a curse. as much as reform is an actual nightmare them getting a decent vote share might actually be the thing that#gets people talking abt proportional representation again bc they are nothing if not good at being loud#did you know we had a fucking referendum in 2011 bc what the fuck. and it went SO BADLY even though people generally supported it#god idk I think I’m once again being naively optimistic about people and election coverage has been very good at knocking me down a bit#people generally are good. I have to believe this. but man the british public is making that really fucking hard#genuinely I think a good chunk of that is down to first past the post driving politics to be divisive and aggressive#like is it the only problem? fuck no. but it’s definitely poisoning the way this shit goes bc when all the parties do is jab at each other#what are we actually doing here#idk I’m gonna stop now but this is taking up a ridiculous amount of bandwidth rn I can’t wait for it to be over#already dreading what the next election could look like in 4 years if starmer continues to suck ass bc I don’t trust him to not like at all#luke.txt#I said i was done but I just looked at the lib dem manifesto and oh my god it’s actually pretty good on this? holy fucking shit
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nsfw sorry lol but i keep seeing posts abt it - how in the fuck are there so many subs thinking doms don't need aftercare and thinking it's too much work to give them that, help meeeeeee what is wrong with people !!! 😭😭😭
#bro thats a human being of course theyre going to need affection and reassurance and kindness HELPPPP#''erm but theyre the DOM and I'm just a uwu little sub :( they take care of ME !!!'' im going to send u to the goo lagoon okay?#u are lucky enough to find a dom for a partner and then u treat them like dirt? [extremely loud incorrect buzzer noise] TO THE GOO LAGOON!#once again i am baffled by how ppl do not treat other ppl like human beings#like. i approach quite literally everyone w the same baseline amount of respect and decency esp irl#and i keep seeing ppl talk abt different groups like ''okay yeah u say ur cool abt them but do u [insert basic kindness here]?''#also this isnt a ''wow look at me im soooo much better than everyone bc i treat other humans with basic decency'' type of post lmfao#i am just genuinely so baffled and horrified that all this shit is so commonplace that these posts need to be made#and need to be made multiple times by multiple ppl across multiple years#like i know ppl are shitty and cruel. i know bigotry exists. this is not baby's first ''ppl are mean :('' moment. but holy shit lmfao#the average person is much worse than i thought apparently! very cool!#I'd love to believe in basic human decency but 😐 i think i am seeing it is not so basic actually. help!#anyways uhmmm if u dont tell ur dom or just partner in general that u love them and if u dont help them with things-#-then im going to send u to murky depths of the goo lagoon okay?#nsft cw
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I wish there was a way to communicate how overstimulated kids make me and how much I really wish I could reliably be in public spaces without hearing large families/children being insanely loud without sounding like one of those freaks that thinks children should be banned from public spaces
#like kids are loud kids are noisy kids need to learn to socialize#this is all fine and logically I understand this#however…… genuinely nothing sends me into overstimulation to the point of a meltdown faster than children#(it sounds so terrible and stupidly edgy but I’m also starting to think kids are some sort of trigger for me due to my upbringing esp kids#crying because… haha reasons we won’t get into)#and like I said I am WELL aware this is all a ME problem and is in no way the fault of the children or their parents#(well sometimes the parents)#(I do think some parents need to be better about comforting screaming/crying kids and teaching kids they can’t run around and scream#whenever and wherever they want)#but like. I wish I could communicate that I genuinely do hate being around children without sounding like I have overlap with the people who#are freaks about it and think kids are uniquely terrible and that it’s all the kids fault for… yk being kids#there’s not a solution here but I wish I could at least complain without having to add fifteen caveats about how I think children are ppl#and deserve respect and caring and it’s ridiculous to act like they shouldn’t be allowed in public spaces#because they are sometimes loud and annoying#but UNFORTINATELY there’s a very large annoying and loud group of adults who have INSANE opinions about children#so ugh#anyways I’m overstimulated so I went to go hide in the bathroom for a bit#but there’s a family in here with four kids and they’re all being SO loud and shrieking and laughing#and it’s making me want to bang my head into a wall#kaz rambles
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i wish i could live outside of my brain sometimes....it is so fucking loud in here!!!
#big girl words would be 'im experiencing a lot of different emotions about a lot of different things rn and it's incredibly overwhelming'#but IT'S SO FUCKING LOUD IN HERE describes it better#something something the universal experience of craving understanding but never being able to achieve by nature of being human etc#plus a lot of other shit ranging from 'i have students im worried will kill themselves this summer' to#'if my cat plays with his litter one more time i might start ripping off my skin'#anyways ill be fine when i have more edibles and am w my gf later i just need to vent bc i think it makes it worse to keep it in my brain#where it's... already very loud#if i haven't made that clear#ANYWAYS ignore this im just externalizing my thoughts so they don't eat me alive im fine
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if i became a school idol and the other members made my image color gray i would try to take down the group from the inside
#i’ve never said it but i’ve always thought it and i think a lot of people have given all the attempts to pretend kotori’s color is green#i do actually think it works for yoshiko but just for me it would feel so much like the short end of the stick#like everyone else is wearing sakura pink and sky blue and warm orange and i’m over here in a gray costume like yes this was my first choice#the reason I’m thinking about idols actually is that it took me 2 months of living in japan to realize i can go see idols#more specifically it took 2 months and the member of an idol group to hand me a flyer on the street and like very persistently and cutely#ask me to come until i was like okay yes ofc#i had literally just gotten off the bullet train i was wandering around and there she appeared#i love idols dude I really love idols so much#kpop is so much more accessible between fandom loudness and content more regularly being available for free but jpop!!!!!!!!!#jpop is my first love!!!!#i saw that live Friday and they said they were performing again Monday and o just happened to be staying in akiba again#so guess what i did last night#i am not immune to idols also you get to take pictures with your oshi as a thank you for your first and second time coming#so after both shows i got to talk a little w the member who found me#ik it’s their job but she remembered me the second time around and also the performances themselves were so fun and cute#it just really reignited the jpop flame in me i love idols so so so much#personal#hope you are all having a nice start to your week!!!
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Miss Ninaa!! When are you free for the summer???
hello, sweetling! and good morning, good afternoon or good night wherever it is that you are. <3 regardless of the time of day, please just know that the world around you is brighter bc you're in it. c':
so i just want to start out by saying that i know i say this a lot...but i cannot tell you what it means to me that you guys care enough about me to be curious about the trajectory of my offline life.
...like, i really just have the sweetest anons in the world, huh? ;-;
i feel unbelievably blessed and count my lucky stars everyday because of each and everyone of you. thank you for being your lovely, lovely selves and caring not only about me as a person but my silly and strange au styles from hell.
speaking of, i am aware that it does not seem like it because of how sporadically i post ncu related content ( if at all ) but i am trying to work on some stuff...as you know well by now, i like to really take my time putting out my work because the quality of the content that you read is paramount to me. you are all far too near and dear to my heart to receive lame, rushed, unclear boof ass content from me.
like...i simply will not do it. thank you for your paitence.
( i will say that i am specifically working on an ask about the greenhouse kiss which AAAAAA giggling, twirling my hair and kicking my feet, like it is SOOOOO satisfying, holy shit! it's also very, very important to the plot which is why i have been taking my time on it. i do hope to put it out today but i am trying not to make promises that i can't keep, get your hopes and dreams up just to dash them and most unfortunately, i do not have a great track record in that regard. i know it's kind of a bummer...but i like to be honest w/ y'all. )
ANYWAYS!
without further ado, here's a little glimpse into my life. xx
again, thank you for asking...that is very cute of you. c': <333
( this is lengthy and lowkey irrelevant. you can absolutely skip this but i think that i am pretty informative in here, so it might be useful? idk. )
so actually, my summer is pretty busy and jam-packed for the most part! or, the first two months are, at least. because i decided to take on summer camp here at the school i work on! camp counsellor nina!
i decided to nab a summer camp supervising position for a couple of reasons. like, obviously, teaching does not pay that much, so really, i need to make all the money i can while i can. don't worry about me tho, guys. bc actually am doing extremely well for myself. <333
( i am a very lucky person, haha -- god nerfed me by being mentally ill, but did make me pretty and personable...which gets me far in life. on the topic of mental illness [ of which i am very ] today i should fare quite well bc other than having a mild headache and being lowkey naseous because my mood stabilizer has that side effect for me...it is worth it when i rem(ember) to take it because it makes me very calm and level, so i am better at responding to my asks/doing my tasks. )
another reason is it keeps me busy...when i am not constantly busy, i get very depressed and fall into gnarly sprials. my job has a lot of downtime and when i am not running around like crazy because a bunch of teachers are out, i'm bored as fuck and i get lazy or restless.
very lame...this summer, i will be looking for a different job ( fml, if you are my boss, don't read this ) and i am a bad procrastinator so i missed the deadline for a fuck ton of teaching positions, but hopefully i can find something in the realm of associate or assistant teaching because....lmao, point and laugh but i am still a little too nervous to teach a whole class by myself. if kids get disadvantaged academically because i am too incompetent at teaching, i will die.
but yeah...if i am still babysitting fourteen year olds after this ( they did grow on me, but it's really not my speed ) please also point and laugh because i would rather go back to retail...yes, i am desperate.
on the subject of teaching kids that are in my wheelhouse and doing stuff my speed, summer camp is actually all k-5 so i will FINALLY being doing a majority of my teaching in the age group that i have my literal credential in. YAY! it's going to be hot as shit where i am over the summer, probably also tiring as shit ( have you seen how little kids act in the summer? ) but i am so fkn exCITED to work with the littles HEEEEELLL YES, BROTHER! uncle nina will be Vibing! <333
so for the first four weeks i am doing general camp stuff, getting a feel for stuff and wokring with all the grade levels...but the LAST two weeks, i get to specifically associate teach in the kindergarten classroom and AAAAAAAA!!!!! I FKN LOVE THE KINDERS!!!!! i visit them every other day because, again, i am bored as shit and they need help over there so i usually hang out with them in PE and play hula hoop tag with them...rn they are learning how to jump rope. soooo stinking cute, oh my god.
-- BUT YES I AM SOOOOO FREAKING STOKED YOU GUYS LIKE I WAS MADE FOR THIS BROTHER. i am gonna wear so many crazy outfits and do such weird makeup pray it doesn't melt off my face.
also, during camp, they go on little field trips and things, hopefully swimming, ( uncle nina is mermaid nina ) and feed you the same stuff as the campers so i get to eat like a nasty frat boy and have pizza and pasta and stuff, which, let me tell you, i am genuinely stoked because they cater a free lunch for the faculty here everyday and it's supposed to be all fancy and shit...but there is a reason it's free because it is SOOOO mid. like it really is kind of ass. i don't know how they do that.
but, sigh, camp is only six weeks so i have to fill my time with other stuff ( also i guess that means in six weeks from when school is done on june...14th, i think? i am free? ) i hope to use that time to structure the fuck out of my life, planf or the future because i am hella bad at it and i hope to do a lot of writing! kind of a pipe dream at this point becaue all my stuff has been *british tolkien vc* actual shite and i can't finish anything...but maybe when i feel better, writing will come easier? when i am less busy and stressed? i hope so. and i hope you guys are still around if i am here but i Completely understand if you are not! it's been a long, bumpy ride. you did your dues and you are free to step off at any time. again, i do not blame you. i am annoying.
BUT YEAH! that's my summer for you! summer camp, hanging out with my cat ( her name is lily, she is very beautiful, very kind, very fluffy and dumb as rocks but she is my babygirl ), getting lots of sushi, going to the thrift store, doing self care stuff, doing less self harm in various odd forms specifically in the form of self sabotage, getting my life together and organized, finding a new job, bettering myself and the world, being kind, entertaining all of you and hopefully writing again! yay! i'll update you as much as i can.
and please, please, pleeeease update me on your lives! i know i don't always respond, but i read everything. my friend who won FIRST PLACE for her raven sculpture, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU BABY. my friends who unfortunately went through breakups, i am so sorry, please know it is their loss, you are stronger for it and i hope you heal, but if ravesey can...you can baby. also proud of my various friends going to college and my friends that are not! my friends toiling through their lame jobs and my friends who are dipping their toes in the world of creativity through writing, drawing expressing yourself! i love, love, LOVE you! thank you for sharing your lives with me.
( speaking of friends, i am specifically hoping to spend my summer bonding with my rant girlies and we made a little group chat and we are being so funny and chaotic and unhinged. i love them all so bad. )
BUT YEAH! thank you for asking my love! look out for some important in character asks, hopefully some finished or more distinguished writing and know that if i am not responding or posting, it is not because i lost interest...as you can see, i am very busy, especially as the school year approaches an end, my summer is a little busy, i fall into ugly manic/depressive cycles and am working on taking care of myself...offline. thank you for understanding.
and thank you for being here! you are troopers, forreal! you are angels and saints for putting up for me and enduring me never posting or posting really chaotic weird stuff. i love you. thanks for caring. <3
i love you and i hope you heal,
uncle nina, future ceo of glamour girl summer camp <3
P.S. i am specifically working on developing and post more about my other aus because i want to give you some variety and challenge myself to do stuff out of my comfort zone! so if you are excited at all about the tsot/tfbw nina stuff, please make some NOOOOISE! lol and if you are not i totally get it, but if you could give me gentility and grace, i would appreciate it because i'm insecure abt it. MWAH!
#hi baby!#thank you SO much for asking you are so stinking cute for this like omg i am blushing thank you so much#i am working on answering some asks but its slow goings but i am emotionally stable nina today so hell yeah brother#i love the greenhouse kiss ask but it requires a lot of context moving parts and me explaining stuff thoroughly#thank you for being paitent i hope its worth it#i also don't know how much people care about my dead ass fanfic or any of my stuff but thanks for fighting the good fight#anyways! camp counsellor nina!#i get to work with the k-5 kids i am so stoked its gonna be loud and very hot outside but fun and enriching#very stoked to do something entertaining#when i tell you i am BORED it fucking sucks like this job is so ass and rn my school is kinda going through messy drama#so it's not pleasant to be here i am not having fun#BUT I WILL! and i have a lot of fun answering my asks hell ya#wokring on getting another job holy shit please pray for me#but yah! trying to be a better me and come back into myself and write more comfortably you guys are helping me#thank you for respecting my time and need for space#i am pretty introverted inspite of my little god complex big scary writer routine and i get overwhelmed by attention#i never quite know what to say but i'm trying#write to me anytime i love you#also i had a friend send me an ask and ask me if their question is odd -- it's not sweetheart i just don't have an answer yet#i haven't shdslkhdld thought about it hard enough but i will get back to you haha y'all are unhinged and kind and so cute#ily ily ILY
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lately I’ve been trying to divide my time evenly enough to where I don’t feel so guilty for not having created anything while still allowing myself time to relax and do other things I enjoy doing. work is tiring but it’ll be worth it once I can get a car and as long as I can sleep in on the weekends I don’t mind only sleeping a few hours most nights. plus I got a good balance with work and school so it checks out for now
#delete later#ignore this I’m just talking out loud#I know I’ve been very chatty on here as of late#I do have stuff in the works though that I wanna get to working on today#but I’m doing good progress on being nicer to myself at least#despite having it very bad other weeks. this works for now#I am worried about next semester though because I have to take in person classes#worried I may need to change jobs because I don’t think I could do this job and in person classes#rlly this job only works with online stuff so I can do homework at work#so maybe I’ll start looking for something part time to accommodate#for now at least this works
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#vent in tags#(because it’s less embarassing here)#I don’t want to get into every grimly detail#anyway so tired of the parent I live with calling#me a bad person most days — or lazy or selfish or inattentive#I’m so tired of hearing them say I have no charisma and am socially incompetent#and that I’m not quiet and when I say o don’t talk nearly as much or as loud as they do they say I’m gaslighting#I’m literslly always called a gaslighter.#I dint understand what I did or what’s so hard to understand about me#I know it’s difficult being them but they’re such a hypocrite s;l the time#like 2 days ago when they said for me to internalise my thoughts and I barely even speak to them anymore#and they go on ranting about my estranged parent constantly unprompted to me and my brother and calling them VERY derogatory terms#we do not need the fact one of our parent’s left us constantly rubbed in our face! my family members (other) said they should internalise it#so I know I’m not crazy and they’re being a hypocrite.#but I feel I’m victimising myself to create cognitive dissonance and I am bad and lazy#and that I’m using trauma and my terrible anxiety (which I’ve been trying to improve on) as a shield to those facts#I feel crazy I feel I’m the wrong who’s wrong#I think 2 different things — that they’re actually in the wrong but I could be trapped in my own head#I don’t know I don’t know why I’m blamed for every misfortune#I can’t stand Io for myself because as soon as I talk I’m told to shut up. say I’m wrong. and do what I’m told.#I hate this I hate having a parent who doesn’t want me much and the other who calls me a burden#they used to be really good parents I don’t even know ‘maybe they are and I want to displace blame#I’m so confused#I don’t want to live as anyone else though because losing any of my abilities terrifies me. because I know internally I’m still capable#vent tw#tw vent#tw parental issues#tw negative
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sometimes i'll be watching a video or reading up about a certain mental illness from people living with it and im like "oh some of these things are hitting..." but not to an extent that it debilitates my life? but also it feels like its certainly happening more than it should for like normal people lmao and i can never tell if these are just symptoms of my anxiety that cause certain feelings to be heightened or if theres something else going on
#just like for example#im watching this video about schizophrenic delusions#and the ladys talking about how she personally has a thing about mirrors and feeling like theres always a camera in them#or how shes always aware of cops around her because she has a thing about being followed by cops#and im sitting here like oh yeah i too am hyper aware of cops around me cuz i think im gonna end up getting arrested for a crime i didnt#even know i committed#but like thats probably just my anxiety#i do not think im schizophrenic btw im just using this as an example since im here#anyway my point is i'll hear about symptoms sometimes and be like 'oh yeah i have that more than a regular person probably does but also im#aware enough of them generally to be able to ignore it and not let it consume me so its probably a non issue then'#except there are other things where if brought to my attention i literally cannot let it go#but then that also my just be phobia related#like theres some things where if someone mentions it to me i will not be able to stop thinking about it and become very paranoid#im being vague cuz its about a fear i dont like telling people incase its used against me lmao#so you understand my position here#but again.... could just be phobia + anxiety coming together to fuck me up#i did have a therapist tell me once i might have ocd#thats another thing im always questioning#idk im doing a lot of talking im just thinking out loud here but like i would like to be able to go through life sometimes without being#plagued by such thoughts#(the paranoia and shit)
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