#crying because… haha reasons we won’t get into)

[lesbiansanemi]

I wish there was a way to communicate how overstimulated kids make me and how much I really wish I could reliably be in public spaces without hearing large families/children being insanely loud without sounding like one of those freaks that thinks children should be banned from public spaces

[halfwayhearted]

Will You Cry? — Spencer Reid.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x BAU!Reader

Summary: Ever since JJ’s confession, it feels like your relationship with Spencer is crumbling to pieces right before your eyes. You’ve had enough.

Word Count: 920+

Disclaimer/s — ANGST (hiphip!), no fluff/comfort ending, no use of Y/N, I think that’s it! 🎀

A/N: Soooooo, haha… Lmk.

‘I’ve always loved you’.

Those were Jennifer Jareau's exact words to your boyfriend of two years. You weren't angry; it was a spur-of-the-moment decision. She had to give the UnSub what he wanted, to be impressed. And she did exactly that.

You weren’t mad at her at all. Nor him.

Well, you weren't mad at him then. Now, it was a whole different story.

The pieces of your relationship were shattering, bit by bit, right in front of you. The worst part was, you felt completely and utterly helpless. You tried, and you tried, and you tried. But, he just kept on acting the same way.

Distant.

Once it hit exactly two months, you realized you faced one thought and one thought only.

If you decide to let go, how will he feel?

Will he reassure you, claiming it's just a… a rough patch, finally realizing just how deeply his lack of understanding and communication has quite literally affected you? Or, will he keep doing what he's been doing, shrugging and brushing you off like you're nothing but a stranger he happens to pass by almost every single day?

You'd find out one way or another.

Oh. You’ll actually find out right now! How fun.

As soon as you hear the front door unlock and creak open, you rise to your feet, casting a wary glance towards him. You nervously wipe your sweaty palms on your pants.

He had spent yet another few hours at the BAU, even though he didn't have to. That was also one of the reasons you so badly needed to talk to him. He never stayed this late before, but ever since everything went down, he started to. Leaving you to drive home alone, wondering if this was the slow, painful end of something special.

“Hey,” you begin, “You’re home late. Again.”

He merely hummed, a distant sound, as he took off his leather messenger bag, hung it on the hook with a weary sigh, and slipped off his shoes.

How could you even bring this up? Just—you didn’t know, take a deep breath and go for it? “Do you think we could maybe… talk?”

Slowly, Spencer flicked his gaze to meet yours. He mutters your name under his breath before replying, “I’m tired. Can this wait ‘til tomorrow?”

“No,” you blurted, internally face-palming. “It won’t take long, I don’t think.”

Inhaling sharply, your boyfriend nods and begins to take off his tie, his eyes never leaving you as you figure out how to start.

“About JJ’s confession,” you begin, mentally cursing yourself when you see him stiffen almost immediately. It’s already out. So, just stick with it. “Did it mean something to you?”

Silence. Deafening silence. The only sound is the subtle hum of the air conditioning. You vividly remember you and Spencer on the couch, his head on your lap as he read a book you both wanted to read together. He’d pause whenever the air conditioning kicked on, making you let out a small huff of laughter. It feels like it was just yesterday. But, in reality, it was four months ago.

You felt your patience thinning, “Spencer—”

“What do you want me to say?” He quips, lifting his arms in frustration. His words cut through the air, earning a bitter scoff in return.

You kept your composure. “Answer the question.”

“Why does it matter?”

Why does it matter? You could’ve burst out laughing right then and there, but you held it in.

“It matters because I need to know if everything I've been doing these past two months has been for nothing!” You snapped, your eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I tried to make this work, it’s like you’ve given up on us or something.”

All you get in return is silence, so you continue. “You don’t talk to me as much as you used to. Not about your day, what you’ve read, how you’ve been—nothing! It’s always ‘I’m tired, talk later,’ or you vanish into your office for hours and hours on end. We don’t even do the things we used to. Haven’t you realized? I—I don’t even know what to say to you anymore, Spencer. No weekly dates, no quality time spent. I didn’t mind because as long as you were here, I was fine. But now? Now, I’m not so sure. I’ve tried to get at least a little communication from you, but you’ve given me nothing. I’m tired, okay? So, please, talk to me.”

…

He blinks. Once, twice, three times. Nothing.

Of course.

A humorless laugh bubbles up and escapes your lips. The tears you fought so hard to hold back now stream uncontrollably down your cheeks. You brush past him and reach for your sweater. Just then, you feel the desperate brush of his fingers against your elbow, but you pull back and slip the fabric on with a trembling resolve.

You hear him say your name. You don’t answer as you grab your bag. He says it again, this time much louder. Still, you don't respond as you grab your keys. Once you stand in front of the door, you turn to face him. “If you can’t come to terms with your feelings just yet, I understand. But I’m done putting myself through that—the waiting. I won’t put up with that anymore. Not right now.”

He says nothing.

Spencer Reid is silent.

You catch the softening in his expression, but you turn away sharply, refusing to let yourself crumble under the weight of his gaze.

“Goodbye, Spencer.” And with that, you leave.

You were done.

Likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated ^_^.

DT(s) — @pedrilcvr ! ౨ৎ

[oxydiane]

sns is so fucking unhinged and nobody will ever be them i’m sorry. you start the series and it’s like oh haha look at these goofy angsty rivals! they hate each other! then sasuke dies for naruto thirty chapters in giving up his dream of revenge and naruto goes batshit insane. now you’re like ah they’re friends i guess that’s cute! and sasuke is trying to kill naruto because he’s the most important person in his life which is . ok and it becomes the driving force of everything or something. sasuke leaves and naruto dedicates the rest of his life to bringing him back and you’re still a casual fan so ur like he’s doing it for the promise right? then orochimaru says sasuke is his and naruto goes batshit insane feral homicidal (again) and after that sasuke reappears and they have ??? like five different panels dedicated to them staring at each other??? and he jumps off a mountain and hugs naruto for some reasons just to whisper some gay shit in his ear kishimoto frankly needs to be jailed drawing this and keep that best friend nonsense going. anyways. you have sasuke become a convicted terrorist to which the normal people response is “ok we need to hunt him down” and when naruto learns they’re gonna hunt him down he starts screaming crying throwing up he has a panic attack he can’t breathe he’s falling in the snow he gets on his knees and begs them to spare his BFF. after having a meltdown over the thought of sasuke dying what may possibly be the natural coping mechanism any stable person would adapt? of course realising that if sasuke dies he can die too. so he sees sasuke again and after he attempts murdering sakura twice and expresses the intent to murder kakashi he’s like. i will bear the burden of your hatred and die with you hehe and if we both die you won’t be an uchiha and i won’t be the jinchuuriki to the nine tails and we’ll be able to understand each other better in a different lifetime! WE’LL MEET AGAIN IN THE AFTERLIFE BECAUSE NOT EVEN DEATH CAN DO US PART! and sasuke (just as insane as him) doesn’t even flinch he’s like what the fuck is wrong with you but then ok let’s fuckingggf die together on my god i will kill your first anyways . then they find out they are soulmates and get cute matching tattoos on their hands and decide to fight to the death once more because sasuke is back on his i will shoulder all the hatred of the world alone and i need to kill you because i love you more than anyone else in the world actually you’re the only person i love so you need to DIE and naruto is like I WILL NOT LET YOU SHOULDER THAT HATRED ALONE I WILL FREE YOU FROM THE PAIN and they fight and despite all the whatever weapons used in the war it’s a fuckinggg fistfight in which just as sasuke is about to inflict what he thinks is the last blow says “farewell… my one and only…………………. (very long pause to accentuate how heteronormative this next word is gonna be) FRIEND” and fucking stops using his sharingan because not even then he can record the image of naruto dying especially by his hand but naruto STOPS HIM LIKE A f cHAMP and they end up blowing each other’s arms off (rip the matchies) and as they’re bleeding to the fucking death sasuke is like you’re the only person that has never tried to severe their ties with me why do you go so far for me and naruto from the depths of comphet hell is like because you’re my FRIEND and sasuke being absolutely done with this bullshit is like ok what the fuck does that mean to you then and this is where it gets even gayer and relatable because naruto is like i don’t KNOW i just know that when you hurt i hurt and i just can’t take it and isn’t that the most gay experience thing ever? naruto knows what it feels like to have friends but what he feels for sasuke is so bone deep and unconventional that he cannot make sense of it and can only describe the pain it brings. after that sasuke CRIES LIKE THEYVE GOT ME SOOO FUCKED UP but you know what got me even more fucked up?

naruto waking up bloodied and battered and half alive with one arm missing but still wondering if that was heaven because sasuke was next to him. sasuke looking so happy and peaceful when saying “i lost” as a stark contrast to him looking and feeling like half of his body was being torn apart when he “won” against naruto in vote1 and left him. the bitterness of victory vs the sweetness of losing if you will. AND HIM COMPARING WHAT HE FEELS FOR NARUTO TO PRAYING MY GODD. did i forget to mention that then we learn that Ohhh it was never a stupid shallow rivalry as we all thought! they have actually been watching each other from afar since they were little freshly traumatised children and have longed to hold each other’s hands since then! what was it sasukeeee you felt warm and fuzzy when you saw naruto to thought of it as a weakness? these two are so astronomically hopelessly desperately obsessed in love with each other it’s ridiculous i’ve had ENOUGH free me from this mental prison

[bronx-bomber87]

First off thank you much for the lovely response to my last thoughts. I was very nervous about posting and got a lot of good replies, notes and reblogs. This fandom is the best. I think it's important to see both sides and I wanted Tim's to be represented in a way that gave insight without condoning what he'd done. (Cause our boy done messed up.) So giving a little of myself achieved that I believe.

I didn't know a ton about this ep cause I’m a square who stays away from spoilers haha So let’s get started.

6x08 Punch Card

Ugh my heart Tim got a reminder for Lucy’s Bday. Instant heart stomping already….I love that he had a reminder set up though. Making sure he would't forget. I’m crying already. Even though I'm so very sad. I love that he had this setup. When the elevator opens the amount of tension is palpable. Something felt very wrong. Good thing Tim was lost in his Lucy moment or he would've picked up on this sooner.

Poor Tim just wants to explain himself to Mad Dog. To explain what happened. The man is not in a place to receive it and we see later why. That look said it all though when Mad Dog departs. When Dr. London said she just took the wrong elevator my red flag gut was going off.

Now that I've see the episode as a whole I can see Dr. London's play here. She seems to use flirting as a defense mechanism all her own. To protect herself and manipulate those around her. I mean they brought her flirt fest with Aaron in the recap back for a reason I think. She's worried Tim read into something about her interaction with Mad Dog. I mean Tim is clearly upset about seeing him and she uses that to deflect attention off herself. My off meter definitely was kicking on with her. Especially with how flirty she was being I didn't like it.

Now some may see Tim's response as him flirting back but I think he's investigating her. Also he's being a little sassy because he's not comfortable with her doing therapy outside the office. I mean his face when he leaves that elevator is not of a man who just flirted. It's one who is one still hurting and two his cop gut is going off but he isn't sure why....He seems conflicted by what just went down in that elevator. Just like us he was feeling off about her.

This scene was very cute with Grey. I loved him anointing her to be a T.O. LOL Also once again showing the faith he has in Lucy. To train Celina and know she would do a good job. I was excited for this opportunity for her. For her to tap into leadership. Honestly it shouldn't have taken this long for Lucy to get to show her chops with this.

Tim is so busy trying to delete his Lucy reminder he runs into the physical version of it without realizing. Andddddd it’s still awkward af between them. How could It not be? No communication between them so naturally it is. Stilted awkwardness. Lucy got out of there so fast. Even with Tim making the all powerful joke. Trying to make it less awkward. Ow. Couldn't get away fast enough. The way he watches her go. *sigh* Like he's watching his entire heart depart the room.

This hurts you guys. No matter how much I know it’ll be ok at some point this hurts to watch. Grey not pulling any punches noting how very awkward that was. Tim telling him that's actually better than it's been....Makes me wonder how much time has passed between 6x07 and now. Wade not caring that's progress to Tim. He is not messing around....

Just wants Tim to fix is ASAP cause of the team dynamic. He's not wrong. Man isn't wrong. Rarely if ever is. Saying if Tim can't there’s gonna be a transfer and it won’t be Lucy….I mean I LOVE Grey siding with Lucy on this one. Not a doubt in his mind if it shakes out that way it'll be Tim. That being said just hearing that. Ugh. Deep anxiety pit of my stomach. And of course it would be friggin North Hollywood. That damn station been haunting them since S2. Looming over them ready to take one of them away.

Lucy being Celina’s T.O .for the day I love it. She is so excited to be her leader even if it's just for this shift. Just wants to 'Invest in her success.' You know Lucy's leadership is pretty damn identical to how I am with my team. While I am mostly Tim there are pieces of Lucy in me as well. I related to her style of leadership quite a bit.

Aaron and Tim in the surveillance van is hilarious. Their dynamic has always entertained me. I truly adore these two goobers together. Tim is trying so hard to keep his shit together. Aaron dying of ask him if he finds it hard to surveil his old team for an OP? Tim of course gives him the company line. Doing what he is told without complaint. Pulling out some S1 Tim with that reply my love.

Tim then telling him he needs a stronger deodorant LOL It's too funny. What a boring assignment for them both. Tim went from running that entire team. Doing ops and making decisions on the fly to this….Also Aaron being too distracted by his deodorant comment to pay attention is the most Aaron thing ever haha

What I love the most about Lucy with Celina is her correcting without crushing her confidence. Once again reminding me of myself when I'm correcting my work kids on stuff. She is kind but confident in her assessment of what she did wrong in this moment. Celina receiving it well because she handles it this way. Lucy out here crushing it already with zero T.O. training. Just going off instinct and what she would want if she was a newbie still. Once again her and I very alike.

Oh Tim getting that reminder again. *heart clutch.* Sigh my boy. Aaron offering to turn it off for him. I love that he was gonna have it remind him through out the day. Pre-breakup Tim clearly didn't want to forget. Wanted to make sure he not only knew it was but to make sure to make a big deal of it. That's just an assumption on my part but man would've wanted to do that. it's the way he has 'TOMORROW.' Wanting to make sure he didn't forget such an important day. *screams into a pillow.* Aaron asking if he’s gonna get her anything? I’m sure he had stuff in mind. But yeah bad form indeed…

Tim’s sweet smile when he finds out what Aaron got her. Knowing how perfect of a gift that would be for her. That sweet knowing smile makes me wanna weep a bit. He knows his girl so well. Lot of sadness attached to the smile though. 'Can I ask why ya’ll split up?' 'No.' LMAO Took it too far Aaron....You're lucky you got that much good sir.

This scene with Mad Dog hurt my heart for Tim. No matter how wrong he was for what he did I still hate seeing this. This was what I was worried about with him working with Metro. Picking at the wounds he hasn’t even begun to heal about how he left. I knew him making notes on the OP was going to come back and bite him in the ass. Watching all his repercussions is painful to see I have to say. Knowing what we know about Mad Dog later I think that's part of why he goes off on Tim. Doesn't make it any easier to watch though...

Friggin Love Lucy being a BAMF in this episode. Especially in this moment. When she once again corrects but doesn't crush Celina about her gun. It's the way she guides Celina and has control over every situation they encounter in this ep. Proving herself a worthy teacher and leader. Also she was a better teacher to Celina in one episode than Nolan has been her entire career. Dude is a stinker of a T.O. It shows in how Celina makes basic mistakes Lucy had down pat long before this time in her rookie year.

Too bad Lucy can't finish out her training and Nolan is booted. But that'll never happen nothing sticks to that man. Not since S3 premiere. The rules and repercussions are rubber and he's glue. What doesn't stick to him does to everyone else... Grey should really evaluate his teaching skills. But that'll never happen. But she deserves a better teacher than him.

From the minute Tim entered the room something seemed very wrong. From the way Mad Dog was just expecting Tim to flog him. Like he wanted Tim to ream him out for how the OP went down. Also how Mad Dog seemed nervous af to see Dr London. I mean look at that man above. He is scared shitless she is there to see him. The way he watches her though out the scene. Especially when she leaves.

Tim's cop gut is going off like crazy when she enters the room. Wondering how the hell she even know about this? He seems to take her answer at face value because honestly its pretty good considering it's a bold faced lie. Tim once again feeling like something is very off but isn't sure why.

First let me say once again I feel personally attacked by the choice in song once again. lol I couldn't find the song to save my life. The lyrics are *chef kiss.* They're painfully accurate for them both. Think they've been very intentional with their ending music and just in general this season. These lyrics filled me with some hope as well. Jotted down the lyrics since couldn't find the song.

‘When the sun won’t shine and the words don’t rhyme. And there’s mountains you can’t move. Somethings on your mind and it’s been some time-since you felt like you were you. When it all caves in feeling paper thin. And the pain might cut right through.

Oh child, Lift up your head. All this trouble's only gonna last for awhile.’ Yeah we’re gonna be all right oh child. Lift up your head. And the light's gonna find you. When you feel like you ain’t got a friend. And you’re wondering if you ever gonna smile again. Every little thing gonna be ok. I know that you gonna see better days.’ *heart clutch.*

Damn smart of Tim saying happy birthday from Kojo and not him. I’m not crying you are. This was so so sweet. Lucy's reaction to Kojo got me all in my feels. She's so excited to see him. Then that excitement melts into sadness. Because he's an extension of Tim. The way she pet's him and says how much she misses him ugh.

Seems there is a double meaning going on there. We all know despite the hurt how much she misses her person. Tim just standing there only imagining her reaction when Kojo makes his way back. What a way to bring that sweet boy back in. I'm so happy about it. Tim is respecting her space but couldn’t let her bday go without doing something. Had to let her know her was thinking of her still. The fact that it’s happening in the hallway where so many seminal moments have played out for them.... I wanna cry.

I LOVE that Tim got Kojo to put his little paw in ink for the card. It is so sweet. Their fur baby. He put serious thought and effort into this. This was so well done. Only Melissa and Eric could have chemistry without even seeing each other. This is the first time we've really seen Lucy cry about them. 6x06 she was in complete shock. 6x07 was her processing her thoughts/emotions. She was on the verge of tears but we didn't see her cry. This was first time we've seen her shed tears on screen at least since the break up. Wanna hug her so much. She deserved this card and more. Like a real conversation with him but this is a good start.

She knows this is Tim reaching out without physically doing so. Showing her he still cares. I mean he clearly very much does. You don't put thought and effort in like this if you don't. It's a huge thing for him to do right now. Lucy recognizes the effort in this adorable act. Tim's face after she reads the card. Ripping my damn heart out. The absolute regret splayed all over it. Like it’s finally hitting him what he’s done to her. What he’s lost in the process. He gave up his favorite person. His happy place and just it’s hitting him square in his chest.

Like a freight train that’s run him over. It's the way he shakes his head. Kicking himself. Knowing he hastily threw them away. What a mistake he’s made in his irrational decision making. It’s written all over his beautiful face. He may not fully understand yet why he did it but the regret is evident. Eric be killing me. His face screams all that. Knowing he should’ve been with Lucy for her birthday. Hell probably sharing that bath bomb she brought up with her. Killing me softly. Hurts so good. Damnit writers... This is being handled so well though. So hats off to them. They both needed this moment more than either of them knew.

Mad dog killing himself....jesus H Christ. Poor Tim the last thing he needs is this. It explains why he was extra nasty to Tim though. Tim saw the flaw in his play and freaked the hell out. Also for Tim to see someone he once trusted with his life compromise themselves. Compromise the safety of their own men. Gut punch. And for what? Money? Power? We won't know till more of this unravels. Whatever it is won't be for a good reason. I know Tim hates himself for his mistakes. But those mistakes always had some form of honor attached to them.

He may not see that but I do. Now the op where he got his men killed no but what he did after was honorable. What he did for Mitch came from a honorable place. I just wonder how seeing Mad Dog doing something so very un-honorable is gonna affect him moving forward...Oh my lord I’m so mad about Dr London not because I liked her. But because I didn’t want it to derail Tim’s therapy in any way. The man needs it. Here’s hoping he continues in s7 with someone better.

Everyone was right she’s a dirty birdy. I was just hoping she wouldn’t be. But my ick and uncomfortable factor went WAY up in this ep with her. I knew it was inevitable. It's not that I didn't want to be wrong about her. It's the fact I didn't want this to hurt Aaron and I definitely I didn’t want her to be dirty for Tim that was it. For his therapy and the progress he's made. I hope this doesn’t affect his therapy journey and he can find someone not compromised in S7.

That promo for next week oh my lord….the hug! The hug! "This doesn't change anything." Then pulls him right in like nothing's changed. I will be living there from now on. Or until next week lol Love the Finale being a 2 parter as well. Phew this is gonna be an intense ending to this season. Gonna be chomping at the bit for S7 once it's done I know it. Like the song stated we're gonna see better days. I truly believe that. We got this my lovely fandom. Thank you for always being so wonderfully receptive of these reviews. Appreciate any likes, comments or reblogs that come my way.

~~~

Side notes-non Chenford

Angela shooting Monica down with Wesley. She's an Epic Queen and I adore her.

Dr London is in alliance with Monica. That's super great….cool cool cool……I have a feeling and D and I discussed this earlier. Reminds us of Armstrong. This feels more like a she's been forced into it a situation. Because its obvious she's good at her job.

But the way she freaked out about the cops being hurt clearly shook her. She looked on the verge of tears in Mad Dog's room. So do I think she's a bad person? Unsure at the moment. Do I think she was once a good person who was manipulated into whatever this alliance is? I do. Be interesting to see how her SL unfolds.

[projectbluearcadia]

The Warmth of Iolite

Comfort - Lucifer x GN!MC

[ Scenario - You've just failed an important test, and you're panicking about your future to the point of isolating yourself and shutting down. Suffice to say Lucifer's not having it. Better get ready for the BIG SQUEEZE™ ]

This one goes out to @mirai06. Also college students because university is stressful as hell and y'all need hugs.

TW - DEPRESSIVE THOUGHTS

Wordcount - 1539

Today is officially the worst day of your life. Like the other shit in your life wasn’t enough, you just bombed an important midterm exam, and now you’re essentially screwed as far as your career goes. Why couldn’t that damn professor at least offer extra credit or some assignments to balance everything out? But no, no excuses, it’s your own fault, right? In this damn world, you either sink or swim, and you got a leg cramp, so now you sink. Sink, and sink, in the middle of the sea at night where no one has the ability or desire to help. 

Haha, wouldn’t it be something if you drowned?

Not like anyone would notice. You’re insignificant to them anyway. 

Just one little human among billions. 

Easily replaced. 

So…easily…

Your hand hovers on the door to the House of Lamentation, and your lip quivers before a sudden sob erupts from your mouth, and tears spill down your eyes. I wanted to go home so bad, but what’s the point? It’s not like it’ll make me feel any better about this whole bullshit situation. Mammon and Levi will make fun of me. Satan will get pissy because he spent so long tutoring me. Asmo and Beel won’t get it. Belphie won’t care. Even my own boyfriend…

You take your hand away from the door handle and resign to sitting on the steps of the House of Lamentation, and bury your head against your knees. What else is there to do but cry? 

“MC?” Your sobs choke themselves short at the deep, surprised voice above you. Of course Lucifer has to come home now. Of course, because he’s always protective of you. “What happened?” 

“Nothing,” you mumble, wiping your eyes against your knees. Like hell if Lucifer is going to buy that frothing pile of bullshit. 

So, without batting an eye, Lucifer picks you up, drags you inside the house, and carries you straight to his bedroom, where he shortly closes and locks the door. You know him well enough to realize you’re not escaping this room unless he lets you.

“What. Happened?”

“...can we not talk about it?” 

“No. We’re talking about it.” 

“Stop being a bossy asshole. I don’t want to talk about it. ” 

“I don’t care. MC, you can’t expect me to see you so distraught and not be curious about the reason.” He’s right; you can’t. He knows when you lie, and the only secret he lets you keep is what underwear you’re wearing to bed, a secret which he usually doesn’t let you keep for long.

“Are you going to let me go if I say that my life’s a fucking mess and I don’t know what to do anymore?”  Lucifer pauses for a long, shocked moment, blinking at you once or twice before his arms are around you, tight enough that you’re almost wheezing for breath as he squeezes you. Still, the smell of his smoky clothing, the feel of the fluff on his coat smothering your face, the gentle weight against you—it’s comforting and familiar, and it reminds you of the cuddling sessions, the late night chatter, the dates… 

“I’m not letting you go for the rest of the night,” he murmurs against your head, and you feel a fresh set of tears burst forth, your body starting to shake uncontrollably. “Not when you’re like this. You can cry, MC. And when you’ve cried and cried and let everything out, we’re going to talk.” 

And you do cry. You want to cry. You’re practically bawling into Lucifer’s chest, half-screaming sobs escaping your shuddering lips while Lucifer runs his hands through your hair, nursing his fingers against your scalp and murmuring soft sweet nothings. You can’t hear a word he’s saying over your harsh, sniffling gasps, but there’s a part of you that finds it soothing nonetheless. He doesn’t say a word about the snot and tears and saliva drenching his shoulder, and you find yourself loving him for that simple fact. 

Eventually, you’re calm enough to at least tell Lucifer what happened and why you’re so upset, and he listens quietly and patiently to every word. The anger, the pain, the sadness, the despair, the dread—he takes it in as you convey it. And, finally, when you’re finished, Lucifer opens his mouth. 

“MC, whether or not you’re jumping to conclusions about the effects of this test on your career progress, this is not the end of the world.”

“But since I failed this, I can’t make the grade, and if I can’t make the grade, then I can’t pass this class, and it’s required for my major…” 

“So what if you don’t pass, MC? Just take it again.” 

“But I can’t pass it,” you retort. “Plus that costs even more.”

“First of all, MC, you’re investing in something you want. It’s no different from making a payment on a car. Second of all, you can pass it. Did you use the resources available to you? And before you answer that, if you’re absolutely certain that this genuinely isn’t in your aptitude, then you just need to find something else you want to do. Within a human limit, you can do whatever you’d like with your life—that is very much your choice. It’s your choice to let your mistakes stop you from moving forward, just like it’s your choice to open up to me. MC, the past has passed, and we live in the present.”

“But what if I make the same mistake? What if I can’t recover from the debt?” 

“If you go into this doubting yourself, you’re already part of the way to making the same mistake. MC, if you tell yourself you can’t do something, you will eventually believe it. Humans are fortunately or unfortunately adept at brainwashing themselves given enough time, so I need you to turn yourself in the other direction. I can and will help you get there, but this is your life and your mind.”

I’m not sure if I want it to be.

“My mind is fucked up too.” 

“Then we un-fuck it,” he replies, taking hold of your hands with an awry smile. “Life can throw you whatever bullshit it wants, but you can still make the most of it. Let’s suppose you really are barred from your dream job by one or two mistakes. Is that the only way you’ll be happy? Once you enter the workforce with your major in hand, then what? What if the only job opening you can get with that degree pays nothing? What if it pays, but we never get to see each other? Enjoy yourself. While you’re…” Lucifer’s voice catches, and you feel a pit form in your stomach as you see an old wound flash in his eyes. “Still alive.” 

“You’re talking about the past being already behind us, but you’re still hovering on it,” you accuse, and Lucifer closes his eyes. 

“The past is behind us. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss people that aren’t there anymore. MC, what I'm trying to say is that you can't go through your life carrying your every mistake on your back. Believe me, I tried, and you were the one who made me realize that it wasn't healthy."  

"Me?" You blink at him, almost as if second-guessing that you’re looking at your boyfriend. 

"Do our late-night talks not ring a bell?" Lucifer chuckles, cupping your face in his hands. "When I say that you are precious to me, I mean it in full sincerity. To take the words out of your mouth, you are my lightbringer, MC.” 

“Am I still going to be special to you if I turn into a worthless mess of a human being?” you mutter bitterly, avoiding his face.

“Yes,” was his simple answer, and as he turned your face back towards his own, you saw the sweetness that filled up his body—sweetness that was completely yours to ask for, because he really would do anything for you. “Even if I’m no longer in your life, you will always be special to me, and I will always be waiting for your stories of success to reach my ears. MC, you’ve been through a lot, and this setback might feel like the last straw, but there’s no such thing as a “last straw” as long as we keep living. 

“I want you to find a way to shoulder only the responsibilities you can control in the here and now. I want you to look at the weather forecast tomorrow, see a 50% chance of rain and not blindly assume you’ll receive a torrential downpour just because you go outside. That’s not how probability works.  

“Maybe you’ll have a hard time in the future because of this. But hard times don’t last forever, understand? And your family here will be with you, cheering you on through it all, pushing you forward.” 

Lucifer leans his forehead against yours, and you find yourself closing your eyes as the tranquil heat of his skin sinks into yours, a feeling of security enveloping you as he intertwines your fingers together. Here, you are protected. Here, he protects you. 

“Hold your head with pride, MC. The present is yours for the taking.”

[natimiles]

Hellooo it’s the same anon from before :)

I was wondering if you could write (only if you want to! No pressure whatsoever :D) platonic headcanons or scenarios for your favourite IkemenVampire boys with a gn!reader (age is up to you). I feel like our vampire men, however handsome they are, would also be great older brothers (albeit a bit outdated on technology ahaha)

Again, please don’t write this if you don’t want to :) it was just a thought in my head and I really enjoyed your work of the IkemenVampire characters with the reader that has a tattoo, but you take priority :D

-🥀 anon (if you allow it ofc)

Hii, dear 🥀

Sorry, I’m a slow writer haha. I was finishing another fanfic, but here we go!

Sometimes I feel they have a brotherly relationship when we’re not in their routes, so I really liked it! It's my first request, so that adds to the excitement, hahaha.

I wrote them separately, I hope it's how you wanted it (:

A gn!reader with a sibling-like relationship with them | Isaac, Mozart, Jean, Arthur, Theo and Vincent, and Napoleon

Tags: gn!reader; minor spoilers from their routes.

Isaac

He accepted Comte’s offer to have some alone time for peaceful work. With the little school he and Napoleon had set up, he didn't want any more responsibilities in his life. However, as always, things never seemed to go his way.

You’re stubborn and clumsy, and he can’t make sense of half the things you do. However, for some inexplicable reason, he’s intrigued by the challenge of understanding you. Before he knows it, you’ve become a part of his daily life.

You make sure he has all his meals and encourage him to leave his room sometimes, at least to go to the garden and get some sun on his skin. You even took care of him when he was sick, never leaving his side until he was better. You talk about what you remember studying about him in school and how he should consider being a professor here. You pester him until he does what you want and pretend to cry when he runs out of patience, just to make him feel bad for the outburst; but you’re also there when he needs to talk and always defend him from others (you’re the only one allowed to tease him about the apples).

“Hey, Newt, fancy a slice of apple pie?” You managed to get Arthur to stop calling him that. You might’ve even threatened him.

He always looks for you now, whether he needs advice about his new job, has a problem, or wants to grab a meal at that downtown cafeteria. He’s happy when you seek him out for advice or to hang out on a day off. Having you around is comforting; he’s no longer alone. You’re the family he’s always wanted, and he’ll protect you with everything he has, which mainly involves glaring at others while blushing (this man is not a fighter). He still enjoys spending time alone, working. He’s aware that you’ll come looking for him if he spends too much time locked in his room.

He probably won’t say much if you meet someone you like; he’s not overprotective. However, he’ll attempt to meet them to determine if they’re a good person (he might even call Napoleon to help him with this).

Mozart

When you arrived at the mansion, things were lively, and he despised it. You’re a troublemaker; it’s obvious. Comte once warned them about how dangerous it could be to cross the door without him because they could get lost. Yet, you managed to cross it by accident! Looking back, that was a red flag already, but you keep doing stupid things every time, so it’s hard to say which one really is the red flag. He should stay away, but for some reason, he feels an urge to protect you.

As time passes, and he grows accustomed to your presence (and your chocolates, ahem), he realizes that you’re not only his new best friend but also family. In his first life, he was the youngest son and was very close to his sister, so he finds solace in your company and the new sibling-like relationship you share. 

You two are joined at the hip in no time. You’re definitely his favorite person in the world now. Congrats, you got yourself an overprotective brother — but he means well. Arthur touches you? Mozart’s there in a second with a handkerchief in hand, ready to clean you of those scoundrel’s germs. You cut your finger? He helps you bandage it. Are you taking care of the violets in the garden? He’s there beside you, keeping you company while he composes a new piece.

He loves playing for you and always shows you his new pieces first. Your opinion means a lot to him, even though you may not be as versed in music as he is. If you encourage him to play and attend more aristocratic parties, he might even give it a shot. His trips downtown have become easier since you helped him overcome his fear of carriages, so he’s gradually getting used to them.

He might even teach you a thing or two on the piano if you’re interested, so you two can play together for the residents, just as he used to do with his sister. He’s a surprisingly patient and kind teacher. It’s a side he only reveals to you and Jean, and even the soldier never sees his friend smile fondly at anyone else.

God help the person that falls in love with you. He won’t be creepy about it, but he’ll be condescending until he’s certain they deserve you and his trust. The two of you now understand Theo and Vincent a little bit better.

Jean

He’s confused about why you want to be friends with him. He doesn’t think he deserves it, yet you persist, and something inside him just allows it. As you start teaching him how to write and read, he notices how patient and kind you are.

He’s the sweetest brother you could get. He feels like you’re his older sibling (and probably is, considering how young he died). He will protect you whenever you need, after all he’s a trained soldier. He shows you his diary and everything he writes. He asks for advice and always listens intently to what you have to tell him, because you don’t judge him even when he’s having a bad day. He’s interested in your stories about the future, he can’t understand how there’s such technology (the poor guy lived in a century that didn’t even have electricity yet).

You help in his shop when you can and you take care of him. You’re the only person who can actually make him eat/drink something, at least some blanc so he doesn’t starve himself again. He doesn’t want to disappoint you. He doesn’t want you to leave him and lose another family, so he makes an effort to care at least a little bit about himself, and you praise him every time you notice it.

A customer asks for something he doesn’t know how to write yet? “Wait a minute, please, I’ll ask my sibling how to write it.” And the customer is confused, because he didn’t know Jean had a sibling.

If you fall in love, he’ll be so happy for you! Obviously, he’ll be wary of them at first, but he’s such a chill brother. He’ll miss spending more time with you, but he’ll be happy to know you’re happy.

Arthur

Chaos. That’s what happened ever since you two met. Comte might have lots of gray hair now, because of you.

He tries to scare you out of the mansion, but you laugh. He hits on you, you yawns. He threatens to bite you, you bite him first and he yelps so loud, everybody came to see what happened. And when you challenge him to a game, he doesn’t lose but it’s really close.

He is observant and really smart, so he notices fast that he really enjoys your company and wants to hang out with you more, even though he doesn’t see you in a romantic way. You make him feel confident about himself again, like his own writing, and even consider being a doctor once more. He protects you from the idiots and teaches you all he knows about card games, and you actually win twice. That’s his sibling!

You become his partner in crime, but don’t think he lets you do everything you want. He’s actually really responsible when it comes to you. He locks himself in his room sometimes, but when you do it he drags you out and makes you eat something. If you’re sick, he takes care of you and sleeps on the floor beside your bed until you’re good again. Once Isaac tried to bite you when you cut your hand, and he just put his hand in front of Isaac’s mouth to protect you. When you go out to the pub with him and Theo, no one dares coming close to you, they know your brother can be scary when he wants.

You’re going out with someone? He won’t pry much, but he wants to know if you need some advice or if something happens. He knows very well how people can be with their desires, and he just wants you to be ok. Don’t get him wrong, he doesn’t want you to keep your chastity nor anything like that, he just wants to make sure it’s all consented and protected. Are you in love with them? Oh, that’s nice! He can’t wait to meet them! 

Theo and Vincent

First of all, you can’t become a sibling to just one of them. Theo would be devastated and Vincent would certainly miss his brother. That’d end up with the three of you as a family anyway, so…

Vincent’s been nice to you since the first moment, so it’s not hard to befriend him. But Theo is a different story. He actually just starts to try being nice to you when he sees you defending and helping Vincent with his emotions. You also help him with his work and some problems from his previous life, and he ends up grateful. And the three of you are inseparable now.

Theo likes to hear you talk about the arts from the future, Vincent hears your ideas for painting and likes to use you as a model, and you make sure they’re healthy and eating while working. They have a strong protector feeling towards you, you’re their youngest sibling. 

You're really proud of your new family. The first art exposition you help with is actually a success because you talked so much about your brothers that everybody got curious. You protect them with everything you have. Theo still calls you hondje, but you can’t blame him. You bark and bite anyone who tries to mess with them, and he says he can almost see a wagging tail when they come home, and you greet them.

You start painting, even if you don’t know how to do it. Vincent is patient enough to guide you and teach you the basics. Theo tries to be supportive, but what the hell is that paint supposed to be? If you look upset about his comments, he’ll apologize and give you a stack of pancakes to cheer you up.

May the lord have mercy from the person that falls for you. Vincent is an angel, but he doesn’t want you getting hurt, so he’ll find out if they’re trustworthy before being too nice. Theo is savage from the first moment he meets them. You’re upset with him and he can’t stand it, so he’ll try to be a little nice. Keyword: try.

Napoleon (I already see him as an older brother)

He tried to help you from the first second you passed the door, so you bonded quickly. He has the urge to protect you since you seem pretty reckless on your own. He likes taking care of others; he already has Isaac as a younger sibling, so he certainly doesn't mind having you too.

He helps you get used to this new century, giving you a tour through the city and assisting you with some chores. You help with his and Isaac's school; the kids love you so much that he can't help but find it endearing. You quickly come to rely on him, as it's really easy to trust him. You ask for his help whenever you need it, even if it's as simple as teaching you how to dance so you can go to a ball, and he gladly helps you.

He’s not overprotective; he offers his advice and trusts you’ll make good decisions on your own. However, he makes sure to draw the line for Arthur, he doesn’t want you getting hurt or bitten… Ok, he might want to overprotect you sometimes. He’ll teach you self defense, just in case.

He’ll try not to pry too much if you fall in love with someone, you’re a nunuche but you’re trustworthy. He knows you’ll come to him if you need something or if your heart gets broken — and may the Lord have mercy if it actually happens.

Masterlists

[yunhohours]

TXT Reaction: Crushing on Older Idol

Request: txt having a crush on kpop idol reader (gn) but they're kind of older in the industry??? was that what you call sunbaenim,,, but this time they're kind of intimidating since they're most experienced haha

Soobin

By far the most intimidated

Probably doesn’t speak much around you

And when he does it’s pretty much just agreeing with whatever you say because you are an All Knowing Being as far as he is concerned

Nods so much you can call him Bobblehead

Asks Yeonjun to asks his friends about you

Obviously can’t ask you about yourself that’s terrifying

Even while asking Yeonjun to find out info on you he SWEARS it's not because he likes you

He's just curious

... Obviously

Every piece of information he learns is further proof that you’re out of his league

Even it’s just your favorite color

He’s like “wow… such a classy favorite color… they’re too good for me”

Will never tell you

One of his members would have to spill the beans or you’d have to confess for him to ever say anything

Otherwise he’s content to miserably (yet happily) fawn over you from a distance for the rest of eternity

Yeonjun

“Fake it till you make it” Yeonjun has entered the chat

Will make more of an effort to come across as mature and dignified hoping that you’ll take notice

Really wants to draw you in without having to tell you anything

Like he probably won’t even talk to you much tbh 😭

He just wants to Operate Near You and make you look at him

Playing hard to get headass

He will straight up come up with a reason why he needs to talk to the person next to you just so you can see how good he looks in his stage outfit and makeup

Talking to the person next to you as professionally as possible as if you don’t exist I’m crying

Strangely though he would just admit to his crush on you if you asked

Casual as hell like “Oh, yeah, I do like you” without so much as a blush to his cheeks

He’d just rather you feel like you’re the one that got lucky to have him SFDJSD

Beomgyu

He’s so playful with you I’m sad

Like he doesn’t want you to think about him as some annoying, childish person

But he likes to be the person that can make you laugh and fuck around for a little while when everything about your day is so scheduled and important

Always gets you in trouble LIKE

You’re so busy playing with him (and actually having fun for once!) that your manager is constantly like “y/n istg if you don’t get over here so we can go RIGHT NOW”

Invisible camera pans to Beomgyu who’s just like oops 😌 my bad 😌

But you become so addicted to the fun of being with him that before you know it you’re head over heels for his pretty ass

And he makes you admit it

He’ll be teasing you before a schedule one day and you’re just giggling so much and looking at him with heart eyes and he’s like

“Y/n, do you have a crush on me? 😌”

BYE OF COURSE YOU DO BUT HE HAD ONE FIRST

Not that you know that of course

Taehyun

Similar to Yeonjun, he decides that he would rather be the intimidating one

As if that’s something one just decides and not a vibe you give off naturally I’m???

He’s pretty successful at it most of the time though like you wouldn’t believe that he’s younger than you if you weren’t aware of his age

Except he has these moments where he just gets so… flustered

Like you’re standing together before an appearance you’re both scheduled to attend

And you naturally start fixing the collar of his suit because it doesn’t look Perfect and as an idol yourself you know that anything less than perfect is not an option

But having your hands touching him, even just his collar, is like a big deal to him

So he starts getting all awkward and stuttering over his words pls

His shy little smile is SO CUTE you can’t stand it

And even though he hates how shy you can make him when he’s trying to be so cool

His timidness makes you like him so much more :( 

Hueningkai

Kai is so polite and respectful of you being older than him

His manners are on point at all times and he doesn’t even get shy or awkward around you

It’s actually kind of interesting how he can both respect your age difference but also make it seem like there isn’t one at the same time

He’s just mature enough to strike the balance just perfectly I suppose

He doesn’t treat you any differently than he treats anyone else, other than doing as you say and being extra nice to you

But Kai is always nice so like can you even tell probably not

He doesn’t flirt because that feels Inappropriate 

So the only way you end up finding out he has a crush on you is because you ask him to help you with something for a performance

And this help requires you to spend a lot of one on one time together

Poor Kai’s internally freaking out like… ALONE??? WITH YOU??? 

So he has to confess but he does it like it’s nothing

“I’d love to help you y/n, but you see I have a bit of a crush on you so I’m not sure that would be wise”

His maturity is baffling like you’re so impressed by his insight and thoughtfulness that like okay now you might have a crush on him too because the other idols around you could never

[sumire-no-nikki]

Hardy Days

January is a month that takes some time to break into like brand new shoes. It always feels longer than it is. It has been a while since I’ve been online properly though for the best reasons. My days have been full. My desk succumbs to entropy just as soon as I’ve tidied it up, my planner is abundant with marks, overflowing with tasks in constant flux. But that just means my hours are well consumed. My days feel very lived in and I’m endlessly thankful for that.

It hasn’t been all work though! I managed to read 4 books so far this month, two of which I would like to mention here. The first book I read is Before We Say Goodbye, which is the fourth book in the Before the Coffee Gets Cold Series by Toshikazu Kawaguchi. I think the fourth one is my favorite so far, if not a close second to the first book. This one made me cry so hard it felt like a cardio exercise haha. The fifth book hasn’t been translated yet and I’m too impatient so I went ahead and started it in Japanese. I was just telling a pal how much comfier it is in the original language. I think I will reread the previous books in Japanese as well once I can get ahold of it from Kinokuniya. I’m so excited!

Another book I finished recently is Voices of the Dead by Ambrose Parry. It’s a historical fiction medical/crime novel set in Victorian Edinburgh. It also has hints of angsty romance between the two main characters, and if you know me at all, you know angst is my fuel, my reason for being lmao. But on top of the already very attractive premise, I must say the pervasive question of “am I what I come from or am I what I can become” throughout all the books is such a robust subject that I can never get enough of. I really enjoyed it! Ah, but now I’ve got to wait for the next book (if there is one). I’m pretty hopeful because the ending was set up for a continuation for sure, but you never know. Also, can I just complain about something extremely petty? Why is the fourth book’s spine different from the rest of the series? It’s from the same publisher, the same font is used. But why is the symbol not the same size as the other volumes’ symbols? WHY. Why would they make it not line up properly like that? I’m losing my mind!!

Now, I’m not one for redecorating just because it’s a new year, but I did change up my vinyl corner by switching out the old art with two posters in matching red—one from a Mitski concert way back in 2017, and one poster of Billie Marten’s 2023 album. Two very different eras of my life coming together. Quite poetic now that I think about it.

While on the subject of music, I’ve had Marika Hackman’s new album “Big Sigh” on repeat since it came out. Oh my god it’s so so good. I remember thinking when I first heard it, god, this is like having my guts pulled out of me. The lyrics are so raw I felt like my chest was going to cave in. Even the music conveys such angst and self-sabotage. The one song that struck me the most is the penultimate song called “Please Don’t Be So Kind.” That one really spoke to me. I love it so much I figured out the guitar chords by ear because I badly wanted to play it. (It’s just three chords in slightly different arrangements throughout the song: C/G-D/A-Em7/B. Half-step up tuning or more conveniently with capo on the 1st fret). I haven’t stopped thinking about the album and I don’t think I will ever stop doing so. I feel that my life is made richer by having listened to this body of work. Even though it’s rather depressing, I actually relish that about it. I think I’m at an age now where I can clearly see my emotion outside my body. It’s a place I can visit as I please. I can work through my feelings and then when I’ve done my best with it, I can leave it be. I can experience things as deeply as I want to while having the confidence that I won’t lose myself in it. It’s a very freeing sense of clarity.

Also, this is from a while back now but I got the newest volume of the coffee magazine I’m subscribed to and the coffee sampler they sent for the quarter is stellar. It tasted of peach and orange, it was insane. The sampler had enough for only two espresso double shots but it made such an impact I just have to note it down here. The roaster, A Matter of Concrete, is based in Rotterdam. I might have to pop in there to try more of their coffee one of these days. Oh, but this reminds me that my grinders are due for a cleaning. Right, I’ll have to do that sometime tomorrow. And I’m not looking forward to it because I’m always anxious I’ll fuck up the burrs or put the grinders back all wrong. Also, looking at this photo, I have to polish my espresso machine, don’t I? Oops.

What else have I been up to? I’ve recently reconnected with my best friend from my undergraduate days and it has been such a blessing. We didn’t have a fight or anything. We just drifted apart because I moved away for my MA and they went back home for a job offer. But they reached out to let me know they’ll be moving to Europe to start a second degree and a career change!! Which means we will be able to see each other again!! Oh, I’m looking forward to that so much I’m counting the days. I have such fond memories of them I can’t wait to bear hug the hell out of them haha.

I also finally decided to finish a writing project I have left alone to stew in its own unfinished mess for far too long lol. I forced myself to churn as much words as I could, and then the arduous task of negotiating what to keep, what to expand and what to cut came soon after. I’ve since finished it and I’m relieved to have concluded that story. I’m quite satisfied with the arc. It felt like a good study of how I write, what I want from a story and how I can achieve it. Writing is a process of self discovery and I’m always overwhelmed by that feeling when it’s happening in real time. Like you feel minute parts of yourself shifting into new positions, light shed in previously dark corners. It’s overwhelming and terrifying, yet tranquil and natural at the same time. I look forward to whatever I’ll find in the next writing project.

Anyway, I’m off to do a bit of translation work. It has been quite an eventful Friday for me over here, and my weekend is looking like it will be just as busy. How has your January been? I hope you’ve been taking good care of yourself. I leave you with a song by This Is The Kit called “Inside Outside.” It has a groovy bass line that I enjoy playing and straight up just vibing to. I recommend the album it's from if you’re in the market for something new to listen to.

That’s all for now. Until next time!

[skkfujoshi]

THE Soukoku analysis

Disclaimer:Everything here is my opinion.I don’t believe my interpretation is correct despite this post’s obnoxious title.I know not the contents of Asagiri’s brain goop and I’ll never know.None of us will…

Chapter 1:Dazai,The Demon prodigy,the manipulator

I think we should start before Dazai met Chuuya for the sake of context.Because I think it helps set a precedent and establish Dazai’s mindset and internal logic.

With that in mind,a sobering fact must be brought forward.Dazai was the same age as Kyoka when Mori took him in.I say it like that cause I don’t think hearing ‘Dazai was taken in by Mori at fourteen’ properly illustrates what that actually means.

But drawing a direct comparison,in my opinion,draws a much cleaner picture of the situation.Kyoka is very clearly a child in narrative,she’s seen by every good person in this story as being ‘too young’ to be in the world that she is currently in.

Granted,Dazai wasn’t exactly mentally well before he met Mori.After all,the two did meet in the aftermath of one of Dazai’s suicide attempts.

I’m not here to speculate on Dazai’s reason for wanting to take his own life,as that probably has to do with his past before Mori which we know too little about to speculate on.

All we know is that suicide is something Dazai wants and that Mori has shown himself willing to provide it.But of course this doesn’t come for free.With Mori,nothing does.

Not knowing that yet,Dazai agrees.

And then Mori kills the previous boss and now Mori won’t fulfill the promise.

And now Dazai’s stuck.Because Mori won’t let him die.He’ll keep saying he will,but he won’t mean it.And Dazai knows this.

”You lie!You say that,but you’ll just order me around and let me hold onto that troublesome thought without telling me anything for a year!”he says in the opening pages of the Fifteen light novel

Except,he can’t leave because he’s guilty too.He can’t tell anyone anything because he’ll be tortured too.

And this goes on for a year.

For a year,Dazai watches Mori,a horrible person succeed.The world doesn’t punish Mori.He gets what he wants.

And the people who try to leave?Who try to live in the light?They get killed or they stop trying.

To try to leave,to try to be good is a foolish endeavor in Dazai’s mind is fruitless because it never leads anywhere.Helping others only lead him into this situation.

So if to be selfless is to be good,than to be selfless is to be stupid.Morality is deemed irrelevant because why would it matter in a place such as this?

What is right is irrelevant,what matters is what’s appropriate for the situation and what benefits you in the long run.

If humanity is social and loving and good Dazai wants none of it.But he also doesn’t want to be like Mori,despite the fact that they share many similarities.So he doesn’t consider himself bad,just selfish and smarter than everyone else.

Keep this in mind as we proceed forward.

So a year passes from the incident that started all of it and Mori offers him death in exchange for a favour.Again.

And while Dazai knows better now,he still takes it.Cause maybe,just maybe,he’ll get it.

So,he goes to Surubachi and there he meets-

”Hahaha!This is good!”that person laughed”A kid!You’re so short on people that it makes me want to cry,Mafia!”the figure said.

It was a small figure Like a crow in the dark,it was a boy wearing a green riders jacket.He was about the same age as Dazai.

Chuuya Nakahara.

And in a move that’ll set in stone how they are and what they are,Osamu says:”You should drink a little more milk.Since you’re so short.”

The boy’s kick struck Dazai’s body.Dazai rolled across the ground and crashed into the fence of the building.

”It’s none of your business you bastard!”the boy shouted “I’m only fifteen and I’ll continue to grow!” “Haha…Then I shall curse you.I’m also fifteen but I’ll keep growing and you won’t.”

And so it begins.

Now,I think it’s important that we clarify one thing.I don’t think Dazai has a crush on Chuuya at this point.However I do think he’s intrigued.

Because there’s a person like him.A peer.And Chuuya handles it very differently.And just like with Oda later,Dazai wants to know what makes this weirdo who kicked him into a wall tick.

So,he probes and teases and pokes.Pushes to establish boundaries and then he discovers…Something interesting.

”Stop it idiot.”

Chuuya grabbed the gun from the side and stopped it.Daza saw the corpse under his feet and then looked at Chuuya.He had a mystified face.

“He’s already dead.Don’t shoot dead bodies in vain.”

Chuuya isn’t who he thought he was.Because from what Dazai has seen,Chuuya loves violence.He’s been violent to Dazai,to Mori,to their enemies just now.He was excited about getting into a fight moments ago and yet…He’s not wasteful.

Despite Dazai calling Chuuya a child,consistently pointing out how small he is…Chuuya’s much more mature than it appears at first.

So Dazai prods again while they’re in the arcade.And here he learns a couple things.

1.Chuuya purposefully limits himself 2.Chuuya isn’t a very analytical person

Now,the first one we’ll go more in depth with when we get to Chuuya’s POV of Fifteen,but the second warrants some explaining.

Because,I doubt Dazai considers Chuuya stupid.

Chuuya’s clearly capable of coming up with plans,seen in Stormbringer.But as Dazai says in this scene,Chuuya doesn’t usually have to come up with very complex plans.Brute force usually does the job.He’s perfected his ability and it does a lot of the work for him.

And this shifts Dazai’s perception of Chuuya again.

Because Chuuya’s half-assing.He can afford to.

Dazai can’t.

Let’s look at ‘No longer human’ for a moment.It’s only of use around other people.His true power is his brain,his planning.’No longer human’ in comparison to other abilities in the series isn’t that versatile.

So,Dazai makes a difference with his brain.Because only with the proper strategy behind it will ‘No longer human’ be able to make a difference.

With his much weaker,in comparison,ability he can’t afford to half-ass,to not think trough things the way Chuuya can because if he doesn’t he will be squished.

So,Chuuya looks a tad arrogant,privileged in his ability to not be as brutal as possible.

In the midst of this,the two make a bet.

“I got it thanks.Then,let’s have a contest to see who can catch the culprit first.If you win,we call off the bet that we had.But if I win,you’re my dog for life.”

Chuuya accepts

And I think here specifically Dazai does mean it in a demeaning way.Truly.No secret ‘I want you to be mine’ subtext yet.He considers Chuuya ignorant and immature,deciding to make it his sworn duty to take the ‘King of the Sheep’ down a peg.

Until…

“That blue band…A mark worn by all the members of the Sheep.”Dazai looked at the trio and turned back around to Chuuya”Would it be a bad thing if you met them?” “I don’t think it’d be a good idea to meet them under these circumstances!”

So,naturally,Dazai calls them over immediately.

And this scene is quite divisive.There are two schools of thought here.The thought that this scene is proof of Dazai being manipulative towards Chuuya and their entire relationship is just that and the thought that this scene is Dazai being protective.

And while Dazai is being manipulative,yes,it’s not Chuuya he’s playing.It’s the Sheep.If you look at his face in the manga and in the anime it’s pretty clear he knows something fucky is going on.

Which…Yeah,good instinct.

Dazai is trying to get the Sheep to betray Chuuya,not trying to get Chuuya to like him or anyone in the mafia.

He keeps emphasizing how Chuuya is under the Port Mafia,which would be a very bad way to endear yourself to the guy who notoriously hates it.

At this line though,I think his intentions change.

“Chuuya,aren’t you always saying, ‘People who have the means others don’t ought to fill that responsibility.’? Take responsibility as someone who has an ability,Chuuya!”

Because here Dazai realizes that he’s not the only one stuck.Chuuya is too.

Of course he holds back.Of course he does when his power already burdens him this much.He doesn’t love violence,violence is just a tool to protect those he cares about.Chuuya isn’t arrogant,isn’t the one with the autonomy.

Isn’t the one who gets to do what he wants.

The Sheep are.

And recognizing that same inability to get the thing they want(suicide/answers) in Chuuya,Dazai defends Chuuya’s autotomy and ability to get what he wants.

Less so because he cares,but because he’s trying to vicariously enjoy getting what he wants even though it’s not happening for him right now.If he can’t get unstuck himself,at least he can do it for Chuuya.

“Lay off him already,Sheep.Chuuya decides how to use his ability,he doesn’t need your approval.I found something more important to your talisman,so I’ll be taking your blessing.”

And now we go back to Dazai’s stance on good.Mind you,he fully realizes that what he’s doing to Chuuya’s relationship with the Sheep will hurt him,but Dazai views it as a positive.Why?Because it’ll enable Chuuya to be selfish and succeed in life.

In his mind,Chuuya is just too dumb to see the benefits of it but will do so in time.

Keep this mindset in mind also.

With that scene out of the way,let’s get to THE SCENE.Yes,I’m aware how little that narrows it down.

I’m talking about the scene where Dazai gets slashed across the chest by the undead previous boss of the Port mafia.

In the anime,he promptly tells Chuuya that he wants to kill the previous boss and Randou.Chuuya asks him why he changed his mind on the whole dying thing and Dazai tells him:”I’m starting to like working for the Port Mafia.In the outside world,death is pushed away from everyday life.But in the Mafia’s world,death is an extension and part of everyday life.I tend to think that’s more accurate.After all,to die isn’t the opposite of living.It’s merely a component of the process of life.Without observing death up close,one can’t capture the full picture of what it means to live”

In the light novel it’s a tad different,with Dazai pretending he still wants to die,telling Randou he’ll convince Chuuya to let himself die and then telling Chuuya he want to kill Randou and the previous boss.Chuuya asks why and the response is more or less the same.However,there was one major change.

“I might not find anything but I thought I’d give it a try.Finish this job safely,join the mafia.Defeat him.Also-“ “Also?” “I haven’t fulfilled my promise to use you as my dog.”

Dazai smiled.

Chuuya looked at his face then broke out into laughter.

“You really are the worst.Dazai let your plan fail and kill us both or I’ll kill you,Dazai.”

Dazai laughed as well.

“Sounds good.Let’s go Chuuya.”

Their first laugh…Never forgive,never forget.

Now,the moment of Dazai’s realization is the same in both versions ,being slashed across the chest.He doesn’t look at Chuuya in this moment,doesn’t acknowledge him in this moment.

Chuuya in this moment,as far as I see it,is not Dazai’s reason for living-

Yet!Yet,people!

Put a pin in it!

Anyhow,the two defeat Randou with handholding,Chuuya gets stabbed and joins the mafia under duress,the story finishing with Dazai and Chuuya arguing about Chuuya being Dazai’s dog.

We wouldn’t expect any less.

Chapter 2:Osamu Dazai,mafia executive,Demon Prodigy and one half of Double Black

Now…This might be a hot take(as if it’s the first one I had here) but I think the events of Stormbringer are the true birth of Double Black,instead of it being The Dragon’s head conflict.Yoy may now assault me.

Good.With that done,allow me to clarify.I don’t mean literally,as cannonically we’re told that the night of The Dragon’s head conflict was the night they were officially named Double Black.But I think that Stormbringer is when their beings sorta…intertwined and refused to get unstuck.

That night,where Chuuya uses corruption for the first time is where their trust is born.

But before we get into how that happened,we need to set Dazai back up again.Cause some things have changed.

“Dazai didn’t live in a house.He lived in one of the abandoned shopping containers.Installed in the large container,once originally built for shipment of cars overseas,was a refrigerator,a fan,a desk and chair set,a bed,and a small bare lightbulb.”

Not great living situation.

It’s been one year since he’s joined the mafia.Dazai commanded a secret unit under the boss’s direct control and has achieved outstanding results.A number of organizations have been crushed and a number of new trade routes have opened up.Far from looking like a mafioso,he has achieved tremendous results at a speed much faster than any executive.He was in a different league.

Even the achievements of the most successful Flag member Pianoman,looked like child’s play when compared to Dazai.

But even so,not a single person trusted Dazai.

He’s doing great professionally,but is completely alone,but worst of all…

“I want to see the Port Mafia burn.” “Didn’t the Port Mafia pick you up and raise you?” “That’s right.” “Then why? “ “Because I’ve grown bored with it.In the end,I didn’t find anything.”

He’s bored again.

He’s stuck again.

And what I find interesting is that he wants the Port Mafia to burn.Like…That is a very passionate statement.Dazai isn’t merely apathetic,he’s angry.But why?

Because again,he was lied to.Mori lied to him about giving him the poison.This time,he let Dazai believe a lie.

Now,just because Dazai knows that was likely and that Mori is a manipulative piece of shit doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get to be mad.

Mori has lied over and over again and Dazai is getting fed up.Except now,he really can’t leave.

Mori’s officially his boss now.If Dazai tries to run now he’ll be made to bite the pavement,get on his knees and then he’ll get shot in the head.

And if he disobeys,he’ll be punished.

Am I saying that Mori physically abused Dazai?

Not really.At least not as consistently and constantly as Dazai did to Akutagawa later on.

What I think is more likely,due to Dazai’s dislike of hospitals and needles,is that there was a rough patching up.

Dazai failed a mission of some kind and Mori “tended” to his wounds rather roughly.All to prove that he can hurt Osamu and that if he disobeys or fails again,it will be even worse.

And the shipping container is a part of this threat.

Yes,you heard me correctly.

Because Dazai is a lot of things,but he’s not a masochist.So,for this to be his choice is a bit strange.Especially considering the payout most executives receive.

But if this is Mori’s doing,it makes a bit more sense.It shows Dazai that he doesn’t need to be in a decent condition to work for Mori,that Mori can treat him worse but decides to treat him well out of the ‘kindness in his heart’ and that Dazai should be grateful for it,lest this becomes his life.

And what is the point of this exercise?To remove Dazai as a potential usurper.To make him obedient and ,more importantly,to make him loyal.

And Dazai knowing what the aim is,endures this for the sake of his own autonomy.

And for the sake of someone else’s autonomy he does something uncharacteristically kind.

For the sake of whose autonomy you may ask?Chuuya Nakahara’s

Now,I fully believe that in the year between Fifteen and Stormbringer Dazai has developed a crush on Chuuya.

He finds Chuuya physically attractive and fun to mess with,but he still doesn’t really respect his philosophy,on the count of Dazai’s own.

However all of that is about to change with one simple gesture.

Dazai taking Chuuya to see the Flags one last time,to speak to a quickly dying Albatross.

Now,this goes back to the matter of autonomy.Because Dazai carrying Chuuya on his back all the way to ‘Old world’ ,instead of hauling his injured ass back to HQ is probably against orders but in an acceptable,even sort of noble way.

But more importantly,because Dazai doesn’t want Chuuya’s autonomy to be stripped either.Chuuya being able to pursue his whims was,after all,Dazai’s justification for bringing him in.If that no longer stands,there’s no point.

So Dazai does the only thing he can think of,He gives Chuuya one last goodbye,instead of having him hear about the Flags’ deaths from a third party.

Despite orders,despite it being inefficient.

But then something interesting happens.

Chuuya for once pursues his own whims.

He wants revenge on Verlaine and he wants answers and he’ll get them even if nobody thinks he should.

Chuuya is learning to act selfishly just as Dazai thought he would but there’s a wrinkle in it,because...Shirase is there.

Someone who straight up stabbed Chuuya and yet Chuuya saved the life of.And this combined with Dazai learning about Chuuya’s past changes his view on what Chuuya’s goodness,care and loyalty are.

It can’t be an act of ignorance or obliviousness ,because Chuuya has experienced profound cruelty repeatedly and thus knows that the world is unkind.Instead it is an active choice,an act of defiance,an action of spite.

And if that’s what Chuuya’s good is,it’s something admirable,something precious.Something that must be protected.

“At this rate,Chuuya will kill N and if that happens,he will no longer be a human being.But I want to see Chuuya suffer as a human being.”

If Chuuya kills N,that means he will hate the world.Just like Verlaine does,just like Dazai does.

And Dazai won’t stand for that.

Now to quickly address the torture and Murase bit before we get into the main event.

Yes,Dazai did set up everything but we must remember what his two aims are here:1.Don’t let Mori get killed 2.Find out whether Chuuya’s human or not

Murase was a pathway to N and thus a way to achieve goal 2.Dazai has no personal link to him and might not know Chuuya’s personal history with Murase either.

As for the torture,considering Verlaine has spared Chuuya so far,it stands to reason he cares and will save Chuuya so Dazai doesn’t have to compromise his “I hate Chuuya Nakahara,I hope he chokes” vibe

Anyhow,skipping forward a lot,Dazai says this:”An artificial string of equations couldn’t create that humanity I despise so much.”

This entire time,Dazai been saying Chuuya’s human with complete certainty.And the reason he’s so certain is because Chuuya’s his opposite.The opposite of someone who is no longer human and is disgusted by humanity is human by default.

But he knows that Chuuya wants complete certainty.So to allow Chuuya to pursue his own whims,as the city around them is being destroyed,Dazai says:”The formula for memory deletion.I said it before,didn't I?To determine whether or not you’re human,we had to go trough your erased memories to make sure of your past.So this means…”Dazai looked at Chuuya in a way he had never done before-completely serious “By using the activation spell,we will never be able to determine whether or not you’re an artificially made human with equations for a personality or a normal human being-Ever.”

Time stopped.

Chuuya opened his eyes wide and turned towards Dazai,his eyes unseeing.The wind blew between them and even still Chuuya didn’t blink.

“Verlaine was plagued with the curse of not knowing,if he was human or not.It meant a lot to him to be human.”Dazai took out a pocket watch,glanced at it,then continued “I can delay the start of our mission by about 2 minutes.I’ll place my subordinates on standby…I’t’d be better if you thought alone for a little bit.You probably won’t think straight if I’m here.”

After he said that,Dazai turned around and headed towards the staircase that made it’s way down the side of the tank.

And Dazai doe try to formulate a plan.No matter how hard it is,he’ll let Chuuya pursue his own whims.

But then…

Dazai turned in surprise the moment he understood what that meant.He couldn’t see Chuuya at the top anymore.

Dazai was momentarily taken aback before a pfft of laughter left his lips.

“Acting cool even in this situation,huh?”

Chuuya’s whim is to be almost suicidally selfless and protect the city that’s home to him and the people he cares about.

“Wow.”Dazai muttered in amazement at the top of the gas tank”So this is Ahrahabaki…”

And that moment right there is where Osamu Dazai fell in love with Chuuya Nakahara.

That moment is when he realized that Ahrahabaki is not just some god,but the manifestation of Chuuya’s very will.Chuuya’s will to be good,to be kind in the face of a world such as this.A goodness that is as much of a rebellion as Dazai’s endurence of his conditions.

The moment where he saw Chuuya defy the odds and succeed.

This is the moment where Chuuya became Dazai’s reason to live

This is the moment where Dazai realized humanity was worth something.

[kadextra]

after my previous post, I decided to read ahead of the manhwa now bc I can’t wait!!! and I kinda feel like writing down some liveblog thoughts here while doing it :D

here we go, starting from chapter 184

[ MAJOR SPOILERS!!!!! DO NOT CLICK if you haven’t ever read before. I’m so serious its a lot of spoilers. pls just ignore this and scroll on ]

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ummm dokja saying “oh this scenario will be fine! don’t worry i’m prepared this will be problem-free & so very easy haha :)” + getting all emotional about his friends is setting off my red flag senses so hard. dokja you still have the fate message praying on your downfall….

dokja I’m scared. Dokja I Don’t Like This

ah. hah. the demon king guy is literally dead on the floor 🧍awesome

damn I knew this couldn’t be trusted and some plot twist would happen it was never going to be that simple. someone has to take the position now. I hate you nebulaes how about you catch these hands

OH NO JOONGHYUK?? YOU STUPID IDIOT STOP

my boys are fighting o(-(

yo wait turns out the world won’t reset even if he regresses??? but still :( he won’t be able to see this to the end and will get stuck back in the loop :(( joonghyuk has changed so much from the start and I’ve grown to like him a lot he doesn’t deserve this I’ll cry

OF COURSE DOKJA GONNA SACRIFICE HIMSELF INSTEAD. ITS HIS FAVORITE HOBBY!

dokja’s self reflection of how the reason he survived all the tragedies in his life is bc of TWSA & watching how joonghyuk never gave up…. the whole “it’s because you saved me so now it’s my turn to save you” from a person directed to their favorite character and their favorite story which was their life companion…. honestly I don’t quite have words to describe the way these lines make me feel. it’s just profound and deeply relatable

gilyoung my poor son he doesn’t want his hyung to die 😭

sighs it’s too late. at least demon king dokja looks cool…. now the wings fanart I’ve seen in passing makes sense…..

he’s a goner

I am going to be completely honest. I genuinely expected to be reading more of an epic shounen-style final battle where he uses all the cool corrupted demon powers and maybe goes a little wacky because that’s usually what happens in stories when the protagonist unlocks an evil power and has to fight his friends. NOT THIS????????

the situation has zero hope and he is just standing there one sidedly taking hits from his friends who are forced to kill him. while guiding them on how to do it. smiling and offering them words of encouragement. this is so devastating I feel sick

URIEL MY BABY seeing her cry is the worst it’s torture

of course his stigma is called sacrificial will

STOP

THAT ARTWORK

THEY ARE HIS LOVED FAMILY…… HE LOVES THEM ALL N JOONGHYUK WAS YHR PERSON HE LOVED MOST I CALLED IT I want to hit something

im full on crying now

all the constellations messages of they don’t wish for his death I’m not strong enough

reading this feels like getting ripped apart limb by limb

NO WAY THE FVGTIFJFJCKN HELD BY THE NECK THING RETURNS A THIRD TIME LIKE THIS??? STOOOPPPPPPPP

uriel T-T

he died

demon king of salvation

need to just lay here for a bit

ok I’m back joonghyuk is disassociating from the grief. relatable

“What if Yoo Joonghyuk went back and there was no Kim Dokja? or what if Kim Dokja never acted like this again? Yoo Joonghyuk was afraid of something for the first time.”

“He met Kim Dokja in his third regression and they became companions. Then he lost Kim Dokja”

he cares for him so much

a scenario without dokja.

whag did I just read

-

UGH that was so good. emotional damage was an understatement now I get why ppl were warning me

why did I decide to do this in the middle of the night…. I need to stop now I’m tired but how am I going to sleep? im haunted with thoughts

it’ll take a bit longer for the manhwa to adapt this part but I’m honestly really glad I continued reading and got to imagine it all myself in detail first- it hit so hard. I’ll let it sit and take a few days break before I continue. excited to see how they adapt it into drawings and cry all over again cause this wound ain’t healing for a while

I have the need to recommend this story to all my friends and family

oh right!!!!

the other day I went through youtube animatics & saved some that I could watch when finishing certain chapters into a note (thank goodness most put a warning of when to watch in the first few seconds!)

since I finished 188, I get to watch this one :D

I just watched it

I cry myself to sleep

[lady-maracas]

i love ur writing sm 😭 can u pls do number 14 angst prompt with deaky ?? it’d mean sm haha, thanks !!

I cant lose you again.

Pairing: John Deacon x Reader

Word count:1,8k

Warnings: None!!

Masterlist

I loved living in the countryside. I always thought the calmness and the beautiful landscape were way better than the loudness of London. Again, my friends seemed to think otherwise. Most of my childhood friends moved to the big city, while I stayed here. The others? Well I guess their only reason to stay here was because they didn’t have enough money to move out on their own.

Well I am sure not ashamed of living the countryside! In fact, I’m actually quite glad I get to stay here with my parents. I have a great job at a bakery, where I get to meet lots of wonderful people.

The sound of the house phone pulled me out of my thoughts. I heard my moms rushed steps as she answered the phone.

“Hello?” I heard her say.

Silence.

“Yes, she’s upstairs, let me call her just a sec- Y/N!!?” She yelled.

I ran down the stairs. I already knew who was calling, it was my best friend. I had met her at the bakery. She was already working there when I got the job. She was the one who showed me everything I had to know. She is like a big ball of energy, I love her.

I snatch the phone from my mothers hand and try to take a breath before I let out: “Hey! What’s up?”.

“Honey you need to come to the pub with me tonight!” She almost screamed.

“Well actually I was planning on-”

“No, no. You don’t understand, I didn’t say ‘Do you want to come to the pub with me tonight?’, I said ‘You NEED to come to the pub with me tonight!’ It was not a question!” She was clearly excited, I didn’t know why, but before I even had the time to ask her what’s got her in such a rush, she added: “I heard there was a small band playing tonight, and I’m not one to usually spoil the surprise, but you might actually know one of them…”

“Know one of them? What do you mean?” I held the phone between my ear and my shoulder, trying to ignore my mothers complaints about the phone bill for this month.

“Do you remember your bestie, your best pal, Johnny boy-” she cooed.

“John?!”

“Anyways I don’t have very much time to talk. I’ll come pick you up around 7pm. Be ready!” She hung up before I had the time to process what she just said.

Deaky?

//

A couple years earlier…

“Why are you even leaving? Why are you leaving me behind? Am I not good enough for you” I complained to my best friend. We grew up together. We were attached at the hip. When you saw me, John would never we far behind.

Unfortunately, he decided to study far away from here. In fact, he was leaving for the big city, London. It broke my heart when he told me the news. But seeing him so happy made me realize I couldn’t hold him back. I wanted to follow him, to move in with him in the city, but I couldn’t leave my life here behind. My parents needed me, I loved my job and I always pictured myself living here forever.

I kept complaining while he was packing his stuff. He would be leaving tomorrow.

“What are you even talking about? You are perfect Y/N! You have been the greatest of friends to me during all these years and I wouldn’t change it for the world! But this is my chance, Y/N, it’s my chance to finally be happy and do what I love! Can you please try to understand that?” He kept packing, and the more he packed, the more he sounded annoyed.

“I understand that…” I looked down at my feet. I truly wanted him to be happy, even tho it meant I would lose him.

“I promise I’ll call and write to you everyday!” He finally looked at me, taking a break from packing to take a small breath. “This doesn’t mean we won’t stay friends, you’re still my #1, always remember that”

Oh and how I wanted to cry, I wanted to hold him forever, I wanted to keep him from going away, I wanted to stay at his side. But that was not possible. No matter what I said, no matter what I did, I couldn’t change his mind.

//

Now.

“Quick, Y/N, we’re going to be late!” My best friend yelled at me through the rolled down window of her car.

“Late for what?” I ran to her car.

“For the drinks, of course!” And she drove away.

When we got there, the place was actually a bit more packed than it usually was. This town wasn’t big, which meant every face was familiar. And as of the band playing on stage, one of the faces was familiar too…

She was right.

He’s here.

And he saw me. Oh god he saw me! His expression changed immediately after we made eye contact. He tried his best to keep playing without being distracted by my presence, and I tried to act calm, as if I didn’t just see my ex best friend I haven’t seen in more than two years.

I drank my drinks, ignoring the piercing stare Deaky was giving me behind my back. And when they were done with their show, everyone applauded, while I was stuck in my own thoughts.

“Come on! You’ve got to go see him! It’s been so long”. My best friend grabbed my arm and pulled me out of my seat.

“Stop! I can’t do that!”

“Why not?” She turned around and gave me a weird look.

“Because I…I don’t-”

“Exactly, you have no good reason. Let’s go!” She pulled me in the “backstage” area.

As soon as I saw him I froze, and so did he. We both looked at each other with tears in our eyes. I thought it would be awkward, I thought I’d be mad at him because he stopped writing to me after a year. But I wasn’t. I couldn’t even find one ounce of anger towards him.

So I ran up to him, and I think he ran up to me too, and I gave him the biggest hug I’ve ever given in my entire life. I heard him whisper a small “Hey little one” and I pulled back. I took a good look at him.

His hair had gotten longer, it looked so soft. His grey eyes shined under the bright lights. His features had gotten a little sharper. But in the end he was still my Deaky.

“I can’t believe you’re here! I mean, I’m so happy to see you!” I find myself choking out those words.

“I’m so happy to see you too! The boys wanted to do some shows and I couldn’t stop myself from asking to do one here! I missed this place so much.” I looked over his shoulder at his band mates. They suspiciously looked at us with satisfied grins on their face. One of them, with dark shoulder length hair walked towards us.

“You must be Y/N! Deaky here talked about you a lot! I’m Freddie.” He extended his hand for me to shake, which I took gladly. “You’re welcomed to stay here with us and catch up with your dear boyfrie- Ow!” He didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence, because John elbowed him in the ribs.

“Okay Fred, I think you can go sit with the boys, I actually have to talk to Y/N if that’s alright.” He turned to me, asking if it was alright.

“Sure!” I said.

“I meant- outside.” He added shyly.

“Oh! Yes, alright let’s go.” I walked out the nearest door, which I assumed lead outside.

I sat down on some stairs, and the boy beside me did the same. We stayed in comfortable silence for some time before he let out: “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. It’s been what? Two years?” I said softly.

“Myes, two years.” He nodded.

“You stopped writing to me, calling too.” I added.

“I really tried, Y/N, but it was hard to find the time with the band-”

“So that’s what you do now?” I scoffed.

“Do what?”

“Play in a band?” When he left, it was to study electrical engineering. Knowing he didn’t even end up doing that made me feel like I had lost him for nothing.

“I’m happy.” he simply said.

“Good for you.”

Silence.

“You know I loved you, right?” He said after some time.

“Yes, I loved you too…”

“No, you don’t get it. I LOVED loved you.” He looked away, as if he was ashamed of what he was about to say.

“Like I said, I LOVED loved you too. It broke my heart when you left, because I wasn’t just letting my best friend go, no, you were more to me.” I admitted.

“Oh…”

“It doesn’t matter now though does it? It’s all in the past. Right?” I let out, trying to keep in my anger.

He didn’t say anything.

“Right?” I asked again.

“Y/N, I…I know it’s been some time, I know we’re older now, but to me you’re still the same little Y/N I’ve come to love. I tried to forget about my stupid crush on you and I honestly thought I did forget about it but as soon as I laid eyes on you tonight, it all came back rushing on me.”

I stared at him. Oh how I loved him. I loved him with all my heart. I never wanted to let him go. What I did next was insanely stupid. I don’t know what went through my head, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I kissed him.

It was quick, just a small peck. As soon as I pulled back, I blinked a couple of times, trying to process what just happened. He did the same but then he leaned back in, cradling my cheek softly and planting a much more soft kiss on my lips.

I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to stay like that forever, with him. Unfortunately, we had to pull back to take a breath. When I looked up at him, he was already staring at me, a small smile across his face.

“Come with me” he said.

“What?”

“Come to London with me, move with me please Y/N-” he got up to his feet but I cut him off.

“Deaks, I can’t. You know I can’t leave my life here behind!”

“Please, I beg of you, I can’t lose you again!”

“I…alright” I give up, I don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore. I love him. I’ll be happy with him, whenever I’m with him, I know I’ll be happy, in the countryside or in the city. “I’ll come with you.”

“Really? That’s amazing!” He picks my up and lifts me off my feet. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more.” I smile.

“That’s not possible!”

“Then I love you just as much as you love me!” I laugh.

“That’s a whole lot then.”

“Good”

[archiveikemen]

'Secret In Your Heart' Collection Event: Roger

I do not own any of the Ikemen Series content being uploaded on this blog, everything belongs to CYBIRD. Please support them by playing their games and buying stories. Not 100% accurate, expect mistakes.

read this before interacting with my posts

— My task for tonight was to personally witness Crown destroy a criminal syndicate.

However, I found out that it was a large organisation.

And so I hid myself in the shadows to avoid getting in Crown’s way—

Evil Looking Man: Hey. Isn’t this the woman that guy was with?

Scar Face Man: Let’s take her hostage. We might gain an advantage over him.

The men in front of me, likely breathless from trying to outrun Crown, looked at me with evil eyes as if they had found themselves a trump card.

(What should I do…)

(I don’t want to be weak and become a burden to them. I absolutely can’t…)

I put on a brave smile, trying hard to hide that I was trembling in fear.

Kate: Taking me hostage won’t affect them in the slightest.

Scar Face Man: Haha, you look quite lovable even with tears in your eyes. — Take her.

(...!)

The moment they reached out to grab me, the sound of heavy footsteps could be heard.

Roger: It’s not a private conversation if you speak that loudly. I heard everything, you know?

Kate: … Roger.

Scar Face Man: … Oi, you’re lying. You couldn't have heard us…

Evil Looking Man: What the heck is going on…

In an instant, I couldn't control myself any longer and tears fell from my eyes.

Roger: …

Roger: Pfft, hahaha! You were acting tough, and yet you’re actually scared to tears.

Roger: Haha, that’s a good sight.

(... What?)

Seeing Roger’s satisfied smile, the two men and I were dumbfounded.

Evil Looking Man: What are you laughing at!?

Roger: It has nothing to do with the two of you.

Evil Looking Man: Huh?

Roger: Just as the young lady said earlier, taking her hostage won’t change a thing.

Roger: Whatever happens to this young lady doesn’t matter to us.

Kate: …!

Roger: However— due to personal reasons, it’s my job to rescue her.

Roger: I mean, I never intended to leave you two alive in the first place.

Roger glanced at me with an invincible smile.

Roger: Close your eyes and cover your ears, young lady.

(W-What?)

In confusion, I did as I was told. As soon as I closed my eyes—

— BANG! The sound of gunfire rattled my eardrums.

Roger: You can open your eyes now.

When I opened my eyes, there was no one in sight.

The seawater was shaking unnaturally, as if “something” had been tossed into it.

Roger: If your eardrums were to be damaged, they might not ever recover fully.

I suppressed the uneasy feeling in my heart and looked at Roger.

Kate: … Why… why did you save me?

Roger: I’ve already said it. “Personal reasons”.

Roger crouched down in front of me and held my chin with his large hand.

Kate: !?

Roger: Crying faces are my most favourite thing.

Roger: You looked so cute when you cried despite not wanting to, I couldn't help myself.

Kate: Wha…!

Roger: Keep it a secret from the others that I saved you because of your crying face.

With an unreserved gaze, Roger glided his tongue across my wet cheeks.

(...!)

Kate: … Hey, what do you think you’re doing?

Roger: Hm? I’m just being affectionate.

Roger: Haha, your crying face is so darn adorable.

Roger: If you ever want my help again, show me another adorable crying face, yeah?

[dayurno]

thank u for sharing the hcs….. so silly….. i need to watch fast and furious and think about renee for the vibes now bc ive also never seen it. some of mine that come to mind right now are:

i also think Kevin hates the gym! especially cardio. it’s important and it helps his Exy performance so he’ll never complain but GOD does he hate it :) and in terms of speed he’s just Average and it kind of haunts him. and then also for kevin i think he’s really kind of scared of dogs. all of them. he’s never been around them so he won’t say it but he’s very apprehensive around them

in general i think jeremy is emotional, but specifically, he gets really annoying about it. like if he’s overtired? he’s so cranky. god forbid if he gets too hungry, he’s HANGRY and is just kind of awful to deal with until he eats something. has to eat every few hours, otherwise he might literally cry about it

i think jean really just likes Touching things with his hands. making and feeling and knowing his hands can create things instead of break them or only play exy. i know it’s a popular hc that he likes art but it really makes me :) +++ i think he has an awful habit of slouching, trying to make himself smaller, so renee and kevin and jeremy and eventually all the Trojans are on his ass about it. telling him to stand up straight and thumping him on the chest to be upright. yeahg

THIS IS VERY CUTE i love kevin being scared of dogs i really can see it! i have a similar hc but i do have a reason for it i think kevin is afraid of dogs because one bit him when he was a kid and it wasn’t even like a Perforating Wound but it became a core memory for him… i think he gets better about this eventually but to me he has an ingrown sense to hide behind the nearest person at the sound of a dog barking. also re: speed nora said it herself that kevin doesnt actually like running either HAHA i think he’s the bravest girl in the whole world for taking a career that has him running every single day

AH JEAN SLOUCHING canonest of canons i think kevin would be such a bitch about jean’s posture both sitting and standing up!!! i can see him poking jean on the back to adjust his shrimp-like complexion Now and honestly its lowkey psychosexual that jean fixes it immediately. pavlov’ed. clicker trained. artist jean is cute! im always a little torn trying to imagine his art style because i think he would probably be making those traumacore bpd hello kitty drawings 🥹😭 but who knows i love thinking about jean drawing at all. do you think he ever does portraits? how many of renee does he have. like five thousand

i love jeremy hcs when they’re funny 🖐️ to me lately ive been thinking about jeremy being a horror movie bro because in 2006 there were only so many things you could be into and i think its funny to imagine in a kerejean sense. jeremy (deranged) watching the nastiest most ridiculous low production found footage movie at the breakfast table and kevjean sitting there like can we move this to a later hour. would not like to hear about a man grilling someone else’s testes while eating breakfast

[books-are-my-life-stuff]

hiii! tysm for your kind tags on my post-canon lemon post (i keep re-reading them) <333 i really wanted to draw from canon and not make stuff up so your tags mean a lot! tbh i have so many ideas for lemon, including her relationship with the boys (she'd be besties with finn and surprisingly lance too! she goes to the farmer's market with dot. and mash would confess to her but she wouldn't get the hint lol) i'll making more posts as we speak haha and ty for all your lemon posts/sets, they always make my day! do you have any ideas for lemon?

I love your post-canon Lemon headcanons so much, thank you for sharing your ideas as well! I like how your ideas are very connected to what little information we have about her in the canon, so it all makes sense!

This ask has gotten a little long so under read more!

I like the idea of how the tables are turned (after Mash does not get a hint about Lemon's feelings in the original series, eventually the situation is flipped over and Lemon is too serious in doing her job when Mash confesses so now she ends up not getting the hint!), it's very satisfying! I want to know more about your ideas about her relationship with the boys! I'm sure it's gonna be fun to read!

It's not a problem! I like Lemon as well and I have fun making simple gifsets of her, and I'm happy to find someone who likes her as well! I love all of your pastel-colored gifsets too, they're all pretty and I adore all of them! I always love pastel-colored gifs, I often find them in bigger fandoms but they're a rarity in small fandoms like this, so your gifsets make me so happy! Thank you so much!

I do have some ideas about Lemon! Though I don't feel really confident sharing them until I feel it's "polished" enough if that makes sense, because I'm afraid of making her out of character hahah. It's just how I am! I wrote a fic of her, but it's from Finn's perspective and it's just how much I want them to be friends and how I imagine their friendship would be! It's here if you're interested!

Other than that, my other idea about her is that the final battle changed her. After the battle against the Innocent Zero, Lemon realized that she couldn't do much when Mash really needed her help. Deep inside, she was frustrated that as her future wife, she wasn't able to directly protect him on the battlefield as his heart was taken away. Her possessive nature was increasing, but that was merely a facade to hide her internal frustrations and how much she blamed herself for her helplessness in the final fight. She spends so many sleepless nights crying over it.

So, she hones her magic secretly, she asks Kaldo's help for his guidance because she knows from Finn that his magic has been greatly improved after his training with Kaldo, so from that she secretly trains with Kaldo as well. So much to the point of overworking herself and that's when Mash finds out. When Lemon collapses and Mash carries her to the infirmary, Lemon apologizes for making him worry, explains what happened, and says that as a future wife, she wants to be on his side and helps him whenever he needs it and becomes the first person he can rely on. After that, she properly confesses her feelings to him instead of forcing it like how she always did. Mash, who still doesn't understand romantic feelings, appreciates Lemon's great effort for his sake, but he is worried about Lemon who works too hard to the point of falling ill. So, in exchange, Mash will take care of her as much as he can until she feels well again. Unfortunately, the best that Mash can do is to remind Lemon to eat and drink her meds at the right time and offer cream puffs, but Lemon appreciates the gesture.

I also have a MashLemon idea, separate from the above: I think the reason why Lemon is very bold at expressing her feelings is because she knows damn well that her feelings won’t possibly be reciprocated. The person she loves is a kindhearted, physically strong young man with no thoughts head empty only cream puffs. There’s no way he would know things such as love and marriage, nor would he care about it. Especially after she visited his house, which just reinforces her assumption. That’s why she can be extremely bold with her feelings and advances because she knows he won’t answer her feelings. Even if deep in her heart she wants him to see her as more than just a friend, she knows it will never be possible.

This is why when he DOES respond to her advance, she gets extremely flustered and confused about what to do. Of course, as soon as he shows even the slightest hint of that, she would immediately punch him in the face just like in S1EP8 to deny that. She did that because she knew Mash wouldn’t lift a hand to stop her even though he could. This is why when he DOES hold her fist as she attempts to punch him in the face with little effort, and says: "You’re right, Lemon. We should get married.", Lemon is left speechless with her face now dyed in red due to embarrassment. She cannot reach out to her wand to cast a spell. Besides, knowing him, he would break free anyway, it’s pointless. When Mash gets a hold of both of her hands, his yellow eyes staring right at her as if he really means what he says--he’s bad at lying anyway--when he does reply to her feelings... Well, needless to say, Lemon doesn’t expect this outcome, and she’s running out of tricks.

There's also another idea of Dot properly confessing to Lemon and putting a resolution to his unanswered feelings, and what Lemon actually feels for him, but it's not polished enough so I can't say much.

But, yeah, I guess that's it! When I have ideas that I feel are "polished" enough I often immediately turn them into fanfics, but right now I'm in the "writer's block" phase after writing lots of them lately so I can't write much at the moment, and can only put some scrambled ideas.

It's really fun talking about Lemon with you!

[yuri-cocaine]

i finished pandae so thoughts below the cut BUT I HAVE TO YELL ABOUT SOMETHING FIRST

IVALICE STANS HOW WE DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i knew there has to be a reason why themis looks like ramza beyond “it’s a cute shonen face” and there has to be a reason why lahabrea’s dark armor creations were in mullonde!!! the heart of sabik is auracite that athena tampered with and what do you know, xiv’s ultima the high seraph is a primal summoned from another world. i’ve been crackpot theorizing lahabrea was behind the summoning of ultima and manipulating the war of lions based on nothing but the presence of the dark armor miniboss and now we get actual confirmation that his wife is the first to make contact with auracite and possibly ultima too. themis’s ramza resemblance is probably symbolic but i wouldn’t rule out that ramza has even met elidibus before.

AURACITE EXISTED BEFORE THE SUNDERING. ULTIMA THE HIGH SERAPH EXISTED BEFORE THE SUNDERING. 

this might also explain why the convocation seats are named after the scions of light from ff12--because they first convocation members probably were the actual scions of light that rose in opposition to the lucavi. elidibus and azem seats could be added later idk

the heart of sabik being auracite could also explain why lahabrea went from Stern Professor Who Won’t Round Up Your Grade to the bonkers version we know. auracite amplifies and twists your desires into something destructive, like with bagamnan and his wish to destroy the garlean empire. lahabrea’s duty to the star was probably similarly warped to him taking glee in destroying the shards, explaining why he’s a mustache twirling cackling villain as opposed to emet seeing the rejoining as a depressing burden. 

final thing: lahabrea is all about fire magicks. his sigil is from mateus’s glyph tho, and mateus is an esper of ice. he really is in opposition to mateus, and his dual personality even references the og mateus the ivalice one is named after. this has layers. 

about the fights: the first one was kinda easy, the second was a bit tricky, the third killed me bc i was too busy crying, BUT ATHENA. HOLY FUCK. SHE’S A GORGEOUS BUTTERFLY THAT SUMMONS HIGH SERAPH ADDS. i saw yet another take about how xiv female bosses are all sexy and boring but like....athena is supposed to be beautiful that’s how she masks her sinister motives and why she got so many ppl under her sway. let’s use our noggins before making hot takes on patch day 1 for clout. 

im so fucking glad that the “erich is our lahabrea” theory got debunked lol. i thought claudien was an erich shard because they share similar skin tone and eye color. that’s why when erich bade us farewell, i wasn’t too sad because he’s still here in aporia and we can talk to him whenever we want. (unlike ryne and gaia....haha..... ;_;)

THEMIS THO ;-; im glad they made it canon that the wol feels absolutely terrible about killing elidibus. in the ew msq we have the options of saying “I’m sorry.” to elidibus before he sends us to elpis, and now in pandae we look miserable when themis tells us athena is making him fight us. the scene when he’s starting to dissipate in the convocation meeting room mirrors his last moments in 5.3, but this time we save him!!!!! my wol finally got off her ass and used her healing on him!!!!!! way to go yuma 

i lost my mind when themis spoke to us as a friend tho. he has the face of a kyoani protag and the deepest voice in the cast. i will miss you so much my fluffy boy!!!!!! you deserve all the happiness in the world!!!! when he was drifting in the aetherial sea and the light started shining i was crying i hope his next life is full of joy. 

(massive copium: no themis minion means we get to see him again in the future even tho he should be like a baby lol)

i liked when erich said that he went around looking for the wol after abyssos wrapped up. my headcanon is that he approached my azem and asked to see the absurdly strong rabbit person familiar again, and azem was like “uhhh ummm okay....here” and she pulls out a little red bunny. “this is her resting mode,” says azem. “she used up too much strength investigating pandaemonium.”

[idealisticrealism]

TCL 3x08 thoughts

The main things:

I’ve lost track of the timeline here a bit, but Ramona mentions to Nadia that it’s been ‘a hard few days’, which I’m assuming means the few days including/after the wake? Normally it would take at least a few days (often several) just to arrange for cremation, and I would have thought that the FBI situation would have also delayed that, but maybe Jorge and Ramona were able to pull some strings and speed it up? Or maybe Russo pushed it all through quickly because the FBI wanted to see if his Velorio would lead to any new information/suspects? Who knows. On the day of the wake Jeremy refers to the chase as happening ‘the other day’ which makes it sound like less than a week had passed since the car chase/Arman’s death. Also given the fact that Ramona and Jorge only go to the apartment for the first time in this ep, it can’t be more than a couple of days since the Velorio/the reveal of Dante’s involvement. So based off all that, I’m gonna go with the assumption that it’s been about a week (or even slightly less) since Arman’s death, meaning the entire season has covered about 2 weeks thus far.

Well, I definitely feel validated as hell by the reveals in this ep lol. Dying Ramona? Called it in ep 5, though tbh it still surprises me a little that the writers would go with a plotline like that, after everything that happened with Adan. But I guess they needed a reason for Ramona to decide not to kill Thony after she no longer has Arman’s protection, and this is just the most straightforward way to do it. Not to mention it will probably mean that Ramona dies off by the end of the season, getting her out of the way like all the previous villains haha. (Please kill her, Thony. Do it for Arman, and for me). But of course, even more satisfying was getting the long-awaited confirmation about FBI Agent Jeremy– though given that I called that one literally the moment he showed his face in 3x03, his big reveal at the end with Russo wasn’t so much an ‘omg I was right!!’ moment but more of a ‘yeah duh guys we already knew he was a Fed’ haha

Thony’s dream where she is Sin Cara…. Please please pleaaase let this be foreshadowing haha. Like seriously c’mon writers, make my Mob Queen Thony dream come true! And that visual was also just really cool, with Thony stripping away layer after layer of masks only to find herself underneath… like all her efforts to find Arman, and to find who was responsible for taking him, peeling back all the layers until she finds herself?? Damn. I think that’s part of why she’s so determined to go after Ramona, because she needs to focus on Ramona’s role in his death so she won’t be torn apart by her own guilt (because lbr, she knows that if he’d never met her, none of this would have happened and he’d almost certainly still be alive). But honestly, while she did play a part in the events that led to his death, it was Ramona proceeding with the kidnapping plan and Jeremy involving his FBI buddies that were the true causes of Arman’s death. But anyway ugh, Thony’s teary eyes and damp collar when she wakes from that nightmare… her getting up for water then immediately trading her water for a beer… her almost crying as she tells Fi that her hallucination of Arman in the apartment felt so real… her saying that she can’t let his death go… help it’s raining on my face

Honestly, it was fair enough for Fi to go to Russo. Thony keeps making all these promises that nothing else is going to happen to their family, but let’s be real here (and I say this with love lol), Thony’s promises don’t mean shit haha. She truly means them when she says them, but she’s just up against far too much to be able to handle it all on her own. It was so brave of Fi to go to Russo, especially given her deportation situation, and I love that Russo is basically like ‘thanks for meeting with me. what info have you got? btw nice job sneaking back into the country’ lol. Fi’s shocked response is hilarious– I mean c’mon Fi, did you really think that that topic wasn’t gonna come up??? But ugh Russo’s ‘if you help me maybe I can help you’ offer sounds a lot like the one Nadia got, only for Russo to then screw her over… don’t trust her Fi! Loved Fi’s “I’m not a victim” though. Hell yeah sister. Reminds me of how Thony also started off as a victim (witnessing Theo’s murder and being forced into the criminal underworld to survive) but found her own power and used her new environment and connections to her advantage. Things have gotten a little rocky again though with the loss of Arman and his support, and I think Fi calling Thony out on her precarious situation was really important (“If you really wanna keep us safe, stop making things worse”) because she does need that reality check… bc while every single thing Thony does is always with the aim of fixing things, her actions do often unintentionally end up having the opposite effect, and she needs to face that and figure her shit out now that she doesn’t have Arman or Garrett to clean up her messes. Anyway, sigh, so much for my hopes of Fi deciding to go rogue with Thony though haha… I guess she just made an exception for the day of the Velorio for Thony’s sake and now she’s back to her old ‘hanging out with criminals is a bad idea’ self lol

Okay sooo… do we actually believe Ramona when she says she didn’t know about the kidnapping at the start, and that Dante took Arman for using their routes, not knowing who he actually was? Because I find that very hard to believe haha. Especially given that Thony came to Sin Cara literally like the day after Arman was taken, and would have told them exactly how and where he was abducted… and so Ramona should have immediately put it together then that the man Dante abducted was Arman. But according to Ramona, she found out ‘too late’ (too late for what? Even if she didn’t find out the truth until right before the exchange, she could have called it off, but didn’t), and so I’m calling bullshit on that haha. She’s still just covering her ass, telling another lie to cover up the much worse truth, which is that she planned this from the beginning to bring Arman back into the family while also scoring a bunch of cash. I do find it really clever how we started the season thinking Ramona was going to be the villain, and then we met her and learned she was Arman’s family and that she was gonna help Thony, which had us thinking we’d been wrong and she wasn’t a villain after all, and now we’ve circled back to her being the villain again lol

Huh, I did not expect Nadia to be staying at the Sin Cara Casita, but I can see how being at home alone with all the memories of Arman would have just been too hard. She has no-one now, and Ramona was so welcoming and kind and acted like she was family, so I guess she thought that maybe this was her path forward and she could belong with them… only for Ramona to betray her in the worst way. I hope that this leads Nadia to realise that Thony was right all along, and Thony is the only one she can really trust. It was nice to see her go back to La Habana, back to her old self again. Though omg that staff member (Charmaine?) asking her what they’re celebrating… like maybe don’t ask that of a person who just lost their husband??? Lol. But daaamn Russo showing up and arresting her… I appreciate that Russo didn’t seem to take any satisfaction in the arrest (I think she does actually feel for Nadia and her situation, especially after having also recently lost someone she loved) but she’s clearly angling to get Nadia to turn on whoever she’s working with. Which is why it seems like a terrible idea for both Ramona and Jorge to come visit her in lockup? Her scene with Ramona was so good though ugh, like she was looking at Ramona and seeing what her future could be if she doesn’t make changes and start letting people in. Which, like I said, will hopefully begin with Thony! And maybe Jorge too, since Ramona betrayed him as well (multiple times now!) and because he genuinely did love Arman too. Though ngl, him asking for 50mil to help her is a bit sketchy haha.. But maybe she wouldn’t have trusted him otherwise, if it seemed like there was nothing in this partnership for him? Making it a business transaction is more like something she can understand.

Tbh that’s actually something that’s been really cool about this season: the way the partnerships and alliances have been steadily shifting and changing between these four central characters as the show progresses– first there was Thony and Nadia as a team, plus Ramona and Jorge. Then there was Thony and Jorge, plus Ramona and Nadia. Now it might be becoming Jorge and Nadia, plus Ramona and Thony. Though Jorge likely expects his new team-up with Nadia to include Thony as well, given the trust that they’ve formed (which would also help bridge the divide between Thony and Nadia again, which would be nice). And that scenario certainly could still happen, with the three of them forming a plan together to manage Ramona– but it’s also possible that the alliance that Thony offers Ramona in the gallery scene may damage her own connection with Jorge and Nadia, as they might see it as her selling out both Arman and them to save herself.  But what Jorge and Nadia don’t know is that Thony is on a mission to make Ramona pay, and is following Jeremy’s advice: find your enemy’s weakness, and exploit it. 

Honestly, Thony’s visit to Ramona in the gallery was so badass; the way she spoke to Ramona reminded me of what she was like when they had the motel manager guy tied up in the bathtub and were pretending to threaten him with organ harvesting. Back then, it was Arman who gave her that confidence, and it was the same now in a way; this time, it’s her love for him and her desire to honour his memory that helps her be bold enough to face Ramona, and she does it wearing the dress that she last wore on a night when Arman made a huge personal sacrifice for her and took an innocent life to protect hers. At this stage, I expect her plan is to make herself essential to Ramona as her doctor, either to earn enough gratitude from healing her that Ramona spares her and her family, or to gather enough incriminating info about Ramona that she can take to Russo to make a deal (though I have trouble seeing her doing that given Jorge’s warnings, and her not wanting to betray him). From the trailer for next week it does look like she’s going to be trying hard to fix whatever is killing Ramona… but tbh what I really wanna see is for Thony to go real dark and not just use her new position of power over Ramona to ensure her own safety, but to actually use that power to end Ramona’s life. Like imagine if Ramona agrees to what she thinks is a treatment from Thony, only for Thony to give her something that will kill her instead??? Or maybe a situation arises where Thony is genuinely trying to fix her, but then something goes wrong and Ramona starts to crash, and Thony realises that if she just lets it happen, Ramona will die and no one would know that Thony could have stopped it. Like damn that would be absolutely ice cold on Thony’s part, but could be a fascinating step in her character development, especially as she moves further away from that ‘victim’ that she was at the start of the series, and closer to being the person who controls the power. Not to mention how I’ve talked before about how central it is to Thony’s character that she always has to save the person in front of her who asks for her help, even when it endangers herself or those she cares about… and so it would be a significant moment for her to actively choose not to help that person. But anyhow seriously, if I get my wish and she does kill Ramona, she better not get any hate for it, not when Arman and Jorge have both killed many people, and even Nadia has murdered someone. Thony has been through so much shit that honestly she’s earned the right to kill the person (or rather, people– take out Jeremy next, girl!) responsible for the death of the man she loved, and not to get demonised for it when other characters wouldn’t. (Basically what I’m saying is she deserves a little cold-blooded murder, as a treat lol)

Pro tip: when the building you’re in is filling with a deadly gas, fixing a barely-bleeding scalp laceration is not a priority!! Like sure it was fun to watch Thony McGyvering a solution to close the wound, but omg if that situation was real, a doctor like her would have never bothered with the stupid lac, because of a little thing called TRIAGE, aka dealing with the most life-threatening problem first! And like I said, the deadly gas is just a little higher on the priority list!! But hey, if they both died of chloride gas poisoning, at least he would have died with a nicely closed wound on his head lol. Sigh. But ngl I very much did enjoy that her solution to save their lives was to blow up the building that they were currently inside of lol. But again, triage– the likelihood of dying from the explosion was less than the likelihood of dying from the gas if they did nothing, so she makes the tough call and takes the lesser of two evils. I really do love the moments when we get to see her resourcefulness, intelligence, and bravery all at once, and Jeremy better be goddamn grateful to her for saving his ass lol. Although it doesn’t really seem like it, because the moment they get outside he uses her distraction and distress to pump her for information, and then basically tells her to go even deeper in the cartel? (Which, granted, is exactly what I also want her to do, but he’s endangering her for his own gain and that’s fucking shitty.) At least when Garrett forced her into being a CI, he was clear about what she was getting into, and made sure to support her and check in with her. Jeremy is just shoving her deeper into the lion’s den and waiting to see who walks out alive, and I can’t wait for the moment when this dark new Thony emerges and tears him to pieces.

Other stuff:

The tunnel/hallway thing that Thony walks down in her dream is the same one Jorge took her along to meet Sin Cara for the first time in 3x01… but she was blindfolded then and never actually saw it. Spooky. Also I’m pretty sure they used that same tunnel for the scene of Fi and Chris’ underground border crossing in 3x03, just with different lights lol

Violeta is such a precious little thing omg, and I appreciate the depth that she adds to Jorge with his Soft Dad Mode. Like seriously, them snuggling by the fire? Her waking and saying something with that tiny, sleepy, adorable voice, and him soothing her back to sleep? Help it’s too sweet ugh. And look I’m not gonna lie, I’m absolutely picturing how cute it would be if it was some future moment with Thony sitting across from him instead of Ramona, and with Luca asleep with his head in her lap because he and Violeta are both totally tired out after a really fun playdate. I’m not even saying it’s a romantic moment or anything, just two single parents sharing a really sweet moment of friendship and bonding over their kids, and ugh it would be nice if Thony got to have that someday. 

Lol Chris and Jaz were totally grade-A sibling material in this ep. As a youngest sister with two big brothers, all the teasing about his crush felt very relatable haha. And it was nice to see a return of the playful embarrassing mum side of Fi too. All of them just having normal innocent fun together was so sweet ugh, I want more of that

Super convenient that the door to the sketchy apartment was just open lol. What was Thony’s plan otherwise?? Break it down?? Honestly with the state she’s been in since Arman’s death, I wouldn’t put it past her. It’s a shame that the threat of Ramona meant she had to pretty much race straight out of there, though, because I think it might have been good for her if she’d had a chance to just go and be there, to sit in the chair he’d sat in and look at the surroundings that he’d spent his last days in, and just actually acknowledge her grief for a while…

Jorge blindly pointing the gun in the direction of his sister while he demands answers from Thony in the apartment… dude where’s your basic firearm safety?? Don’t point guns at people unless you’re fine with them getting shot!

Ugh when Thony asks Fi if she was the one who tipped off the FBI to the location of the exchange… the utter panic in her eyes, not only because of the danger that that act would put them in from Ramona, but also at the thought that if Fi had been the one to give the tip, she would have been as responsible for Arman’s death as Ramona is… and how would Thony have lived with that? How could she still live and work with her, still look at her every day knowing that the man she loved was dead because of Fi’s actions? Honestly thank god that none of us had to find out.

Poor Camila needs rescuing! And so Fi turns to Thony to fix it, which means continuing her involvement with the cartel, aka the opposite of what Fi asked  her to do just hours ago… I wonder if this situation will make Fi see that Thony existing in that criminal world and having some power within the cartel actually has more benefits than she realised, and that not everything is so black and white when it comes to keeping their family safe…

Okay I desperately wanna see more of the FBI’s case board lol… so funny that the FBI’s understanding of Thony went from ‘she’s a cleaning lady for the Barsamians’ to ‘she’s somehow personally connected to Arman Morales’ to ‘she’s business partners with Arman in importing medications from Mexico, and also maybe his romantic partner as well??’ to ‘she got tied up with Kamdar and supposedly accidentally imported Fentanyl from the Philippines’ to ‘she’s the key to finding Arman’ to ‘she somehow got her sister and nephew back into the country illegally’ to ‘she’s the key to taking down the Sin Cara cartel’.... Like honestly I’m a little worried about what happens once she’s no longer useful to the Feds… given everything that’s happened, I find it hard to see how she’s going to escape the FBI’s clutches this time? And most importantly, with them watching her so closely, how am I gonna get the Mob Queen Thony that I want so badly haha? But I guess the next few eps will answer that…