#but i feel like if i wanna keep myself as recognisable as possible across online spaces

[piratefishmama]

okay but why a fish?

WELL, CURIOUS PERSON, apart from my name, which stems from

Pirate - my first fandom One Piece, and because i have a shitton of fish making me, the mother of fish, aka: a fishmama.

Back in the twit days when i was part of the MHA fandom, i had this lil guy as my icon.

it's Kirishima as a chain chomp. from a silly throw away line in a fic i wrote where Kirishima claimed Bakugou had "clearly never had an irrational fear of chain chomps"

when i eventually moved away from MHA to Genshin and beyond, I still kind of wanted a Chain Chomp for my icon, i loved my lil chomper and didnt wanna let him go, but i was trying to create sort of an online existance for myself so i needed something that wasn't owned by a big ol company lmao. A mascot if you will.

So.

I turned a chain chomp into a fish.

truly revolutionary, so very original, dont you think? 🤣

[positivelypositive]

Have you ever felt trapped in the way that you know you need help? A therapist or something but yk your mother would never allow it? But technically you’re still a minor so all you can do is suffer in silence and try your hardest not to break too much? I won’t allow myself to crack like this. I want help and all of the places online I checked need parental consent and I just feel so ugh. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I wanna sit in their office, venting, telling them things I never let anyone know about how I feel. I’ve kept so much to myself I don’t think I can keep anymore. But no one takes me seriously ever. Friends suck. Family suck. They’re both the reason for my trauma and I don’t even know... how to do this anymore

Sorry for ranting like this

hey anon,

no worries about the rant. please feel free to rant in my askbox/inbox as often as you'd like.

i'm sorry you're suffering with this. to answer your question honestly, no, i was able to go to a therapist and get help but i can really understand what you mean. when i was younger, i was a person who was misunderstood so much because of my emotional behaviour that i started to believe that i was a problematic person.

i know how trapped that can make you feel. i would have gotten help then or atleast tried to, only if i knew what was happening. because i couldn't understand it myself, i kept blaming myself. it took me a lot of time. while i worked on my behaviour and somewhat controlling my outbursts, i also recognised that the problem was not all me.

friends and family were being condescending to me. they were making me question my own self even when it was their fault. i love everyone around me to pieces but it was essential to understand what was happening.

i understand that you feel the need for professional help but you think you won't be able to get it right now. that's okay. the first thing that can try is talking out calmly with your mother and letting her know in the best way possible that you think you need help. you have nothing to lose here. might as well take this chance. make sure to be calm and rational, so that you can get your point across better and more convincingly.

if that fails and you aren't able to get professional help, then go the diy way anon. i was able to do it and you can do it too. be organised and clear your head. write down what you think the problems are. be extremely rational when you do this and you'll get good results. for each problem write down a solution. for ex. let's say the problem you mention is your family not taking you seriously enough. write two possible solutions here - one about what you can do to better it, like being more logical and introspective and really thinking before you speak. the other solution can be something that you would expect your family to do, like they should consider your opinions.

start working on the solutions. start with the parts that you control, i.e, your behaviour and habits. your surroundings will begin to make the other changes automatically! also, when you work on yourself you gain credibility, enough to tell people around you about how their behaviour makes you feel. they will take you more seriously then and listen to you.

i really hope this helps you. sorry for the super long answer. sending you courage and positive vibes ✨

[timextoxhajima]

Playlist Feels

*SHORT SERIES

Member: j u y e o n

Genre: drama with chaebol/lawyer juyeon

A/N: I’m investing way too much feelings and emotions into this i might cry when it ends. this chapter is more serious i guess i can’t be writing angst and smut every chapter LOL

Link to other parts: 

I Never Wanna See You Again

Frustrated (light smut)

Love Somebody (light smut)

Play With Fire (smut)

~

“i’m playing with fire.”

all you wanted to do was have breakfast, but you walk out along the hallways of the second floor only to watch an entire crowd of staff members push and pull countless of racks across the living room. 

the female staff member who recognised you from the previous week notices you standing awkwardly behind the wall, struggling to process the crowd at the foot of the stairs. 

you watch her say something to another staff member, before she strolls across the living room and heads up the stairs to greet you.

“i’m going to hope you don’t have any clothes of your own,” she smiles at you, eyes flitting to your neck for a split second and looks at your bare legs. 

“uh--” you stumble on your tongue, having trouble finding any words to say. you completely forget about the marks on your neck, and you were only in his underwear with the large pullover barely covering your rear. 

“i’m gonna get you a robe while you choose your clothes for today and i’ll run you a bath before you have breakfast.”

you watch as she walks away into the bathroom, and again, you wonder why it was so difficult to think of anything to say. you had expected the house staff to be judging you for sleeping with him, but they all seemed so nice and candid, it was a little difficult to believe. 

you just couldn’t get the idea of juyeon being such a kind, relaxed boss out of your head. 

she returns from the bathroom with a robe, the water now running and a rose scent begins to waft through your nose. “here,” she hands you the robe and waits for you to put it on. 

“mr lee wanted you to pick out as many clothes as you wanted, and he wants you to know not to worry about the price.”

you reach the bottom of the stairs with her standing right next to you, and you see at least three racks of clothes surrounding the living room. there were at least two full-body mirrors next to the sofas, and a separate mobile shelf with shoes. 

“uh... do i have to? where are my clothes from yesterday?” your hand unconsciously reaches up to your neck to cover your skin. 

“in the laundry! we’ll get it steamed and ready for you by lunch, but right now, he’s told us he wants to see you in something from any of these racks. he didn’t exactly give us much choice either,” she gives you a look that comforts you, gently patting your arm to encourage you. 

you choose out exactly five different sets of clothes, which included shoes. you suddenly feel like you went on a splurge and your credit card would’ve exceeded by now, judging by the brands the clothes were from. 

you soak yourself in the bathtub, the light from behind you illuminating the white, black and golden surfaces. you couldn’t help but to let your head replay the memories from the night before as the rose scent pulls all the knots in your body apart. 

it felt like you were on vacation, when you were really just... feeding off your boyfriend’s wealth. you felt guilty, and frankly, a little worried that people were going to start thinking you were with him for his money. 

you haven’t done anything for him besides curse at him, take the credit for his workings for the case and sleep in his bed. 

you shake your thoughts away, deciding that it was time for you to get your due breakfast before working on the case. 

you were pushing the last few bites of the strange looking pudding around in the bowl, and the female staff from before was in the dining room with you, arranging the cutlery and utensils away from sight.

“hey, uh--” you call out, looking at her while mrs jung comes out of the kitchen. you wonder why it took you three meals before you notice that you could see into the kitchen. the dining table was right next to a black counter where mrs jung would leave the food right after it was prepared, and the kitchen itself looked extravagant.

“you called?” the female staff lays down the plate and walks over to your side. 

“yeah, uh...” you scratch your temple, slightly pulling on the turtleneck you chose to hide the bruises he left. “you don’t-- happen to think that... i’m with mr lee for his money... do you?”

the female staff blinks in surprise at you, and before she could respond, mrs jung does the honor. 

“oh, my dear, definitely not! you’d be surprised at how good juyeon-nim is at picking out who’s genuine and who isn’t.” you turn and watch mrs jung carry some leftover food back into the kitchen. 

“we were very surprised when he asked you to stay last friday, past the time where the house staff gets off work. he doesn’t like guests over, unless they are his parents... so it was nice to see him bring someone back.”

you let a small laugh escape your lips, feeling the blood rush up to your ears and cheek. 

hold on. 

‘someone’?

“you mean he’s never brought anybody home before?” 

“not willingly, no.” mrs jung responds from the kitchen. “juyeon-nim is only friendly to people he trusts and even then he’s extremely cautious, though sometimes a little dense... but now that we know how comfortable he is with you, and we’re all just happy for him.”

you feel a second wave of embarrassment wash over you, your hand now wrapping around your own neck and pulling up the material to hide any possible marks that were peeking out from under. 

“you don’t have to hide those as long as you’re here. everybody knows what happened,” the female staff member teases you, clearing the plates that you literally licked the crumbs off from before. 

“awh... nooooo,” you whine, hiding your face in your hands. 

the staff member laughs at your embarrassment, encouraging you to finish your dessert before she tells you where his office was. 

you get the door open, and the first thing you notice was the similar L-shaped glass windows like his bedroom had. the desk sat on the right side, with a main leather seat back facing a large shelf. the levels were alternated between files and small, expensive-looking statues and souvenirs. 

right before the glass panels were two single-seaters with a small coffee table between them, and your eyes took awhile to notice the little fridge under the table. 

you log into the computer with ease, surprised that there wasn’t a password required. you remember mrs jung saying that he doesn’t have anybody over, and you figure that nobody else has been in his office anyway. the worry about someone hacking into his files was non-existent. 

your suitcase was already placed by the table, and you wonder when did it get here. did he leave it in here last night? this morning? or did he get a staff member to do it?

the online system was perfectly synced with the system you had in the office, and all you needed to do was log in with your information before your case displays itself on the screen. 

you get to work almost immediately, every now and then looking past the computer screen to look out the large glass windows. 

the clouds were so fluffy against the bright blue sky today, and you couldn’t help but imagine chanhee, eric and sunwoo’s reactions when they notice you didn’t clock in today.

oh. chanhee, eric and sunwoo.

you reach over to your suitcase and pull out your cellphone, noticing the nearly ten missed calls you got from them starting about five minutes before the supposed reporting time. 

chanhee: where the hell are you? its 7.55am!

eric: did she oversleep

chanhee: she doesn’t oversleep

sunwoo: not with that annoying ass alarm she’s got

you smile to yourself, unable to contain your happiness as you scroll down.

chanhee: why do we have to hear about your absence from our manager?

sunwoo: wait

eric: OH MY GOD

sunwoo: mf WAIT

eric: DID THE BOSS TELL OUR MANAGER THAT YOU WEREN’T COMING IN TODAY

sunwoo: DID YOU SLEEP WITH HIM AGAIN

chanhee: but he’s in office! 

sunwoo: so? he could’ve just left her at home and came to work to reduce suspicion cause it’ll too obvious if the both of them are absent

eric: unless...

sunwoo: i’m betting on that and OTHER REASONS

eric: i was thinking about other reasons

chanhee: whatever the reason, call us during our lunch break!

eric: yeah we want details

sunwoo: fucking disgusting

you snort to yourself, ready to keep your phone away and finish up the case. 

but the aggressive vibration from your phone stops you just as you laid it down, and you sigh heavily when you see the caller ID. 

“yello,” you put the phone down on the table, keeping it on loudspeaker. 

“why do you sound so glum? i return from a two month trip and this is how you greet me?”

you roll your eyes, laying your hands right at the keyboard. “hi mom, how was your trip to san francisco?”

“oh, it was gorgeous!” she says with a strange accent. must’ve been the american air for two months. “i was pretty sad to leave, but nothing can stop me from coming back to see you!”

“when have you ever needed to see me?” your tone was unenthusiastic, and you resist the urge to hang up altogether. 

“aw, no, honey,” she whines. “are you still mad about last year?”

“just so you know, i’m gonna stay mad for quite a bit, so don’t expect anything different.”

“aw, but you did say you wanted swavroski--”

“yeah, a swavroski ring! not the damn brand!” you huff, burying your face into your hands. your eyes were on the screen, staring at the case document, but all you could hear was the heavy breathing over the phone. 

“i take it that you haven’t signed the contract to claim ownership of the brand.”

“of course i didn’t! i left home so i could build a life for myself. you promised me that you’d leave me and my finances and my life alone. you know i don’t want you or dad’s help but you go ahead and buy a whole jewellery brand?!”

silence. 

“i’m never signing that contract, just so you know. it’s been sitting at home since you had it mailed to me while you ran off to canada.”

“are you still living in that tiny flat by the lake outside of town?”

you pick up a pinch of contempt in her voice. “yeah, what’s so bad about my 'tiny flat’?”

“nothing,” liar. “i just want you to have the best we can afford.”

“again with the ‘we’. how many times do i have to tell you that i don’t want you or dad’s help?”

“but--”

“no,” you snap into the phone, picking it up and hovering your thumb over the hang up button. “i’m gonna go now because i have work to do. don’t call me unless it’s to tell me that someone else already owns swavroski.”

you finally hang up and you throw the phone back into your suitcase, hands on your forehead as you return your attention to the screen. 

needed me? what a load of bullcrap. 

maybe if she didn’t treat you like some kind of trophy when you were younger, you’d believe that she genuinely loved you. 

you were called to lunch when the sun was at its highest, the blinding rays bouncing off windows and the metal from buildings that it heated up the room like a toaster. 

mrs jung’s food never fails to deliver, and the female staff from before struggles to tuck your napkin into your clothes so that the gravy doesn’t fly about. 

you were mindlessly praising the hell out of mrs jung’s pasta when you hear a staff outside the dining room shout. you turn at the sound of the doors swinging open, and you find yourself standing immediately at the sight of a lady who looked like a million bucks. 

“what do you mean he’s in offic--” the lady finally turns her attention from the staff outside the dining room and to you. “and... who are you?”

so much for that lunch phone call to your friends.

you find yourself sitting awkwardly opposite her, carefully watching as she swirls the wine in her glass. you feel her eyes pierce right through you, and your hands reach up to your turtleneck in a bid to pull it upwards.

“there’s no need to hide,” she nearly scolds you, and the harsh tone strikes a chord in you. “i know who you are.”

what?

“you’re the reason why my son’s fiance is in shambles right now.”

his what--

“i’m sorry, who?” you squint your eyes at her, for a split second forgetting that she was the mother of your now-boyfriend.

“he didn’t tell you?” she offers a smile of disbelief. “and here i was thinking he changed for the better.”

“’for the better’? he wanted to leave the country to do charity work, not run away.”

“he was running away from the responsibilities he was born to shoulder. we do enough charity for him to stay,” she leans forward on the table, one palm pressed flat on the surface. 

“but he didn’t even want the damn law fi--”

“mother!” 

the both of you turn to the door of the dining room. every staff member within your line of vision looked like they were scared shitless, which was a strange sight, considering how relaxed and candid they were in the absence of this... crazy lady.

who might be my mother-in-law? ugh. 

“you should’ve told me you’re visiting,” juyeon walks in the doors and the staff members shut them behind him. he grabs a seat next to you, and it visibly stuns his mother. 

“i wouldn’t have bothered if i knew you weren’t even at home,” she watches in slight disgust as juyeon leans into your face and plants a kiss on your cheek. your eyes widen and your heart feels extremely heavy. “care to explain what is going on?”

juyeon carefully sits his suitcase next to his chair as the kitchen staff serves him a glass of wine. you remember the only food that was prepared was only for you and the staff members.

“what’s there to explain? i never said i agreed to marry anybody i was told to.”

you watch anxiously, eyes switching between juyeon, who was calmly sipping on his wine, and his mother, who was so angry that you could almost see the steam escaping from her ears...

“and so you run off and sleep with some random girl?”

ouch.

“will she still be ‘some random girl’ if you knew what she was capable of? she’s closed more cases in six months than i did in a year, mother.”

“i didn’t think a lawyer would let someone leave such savage marks all over her body like this!” she berates you, hand carelessly gesturing to all of you.

“which year did you walk through a portal from? it’s not the 1800s, mother.”

wow, so she blames me and not the one who made these marks?

“girls nowadays.”

you could feel juyeon’s frustration hit the roof, and the atmosphere in the dining hall gets heavier as each second passes in silence. 

“what are you here for, anyway? just to ask me about me dumping my fiance who i never even loved? i don’t even like her face, mother. she’s an incapable princess who does nothing but sit around and gets waited on.”

“forget about that, you’ve gone ahead and spent your weekend breaking off the engagement anyway,” his mother glares at the two of you. 

didn’t he spend his weekend with his family--

“but i do want to know why you’re back in the office.”

juyeon locks his jaw in odd angles, and if you didn’t know it was his mother who was pissing him off, you would’ve thought he was going to throw a punch across the table. 

“what do you mean ‘why i’m back in the office’? doing my job and accepting my responsibilities like you wanted to!” 

“and you didn’t have the decency to at least inform us? we were ready to re-sell it to the bureau director!” 

juyeon sucks in a deep breath and stands up, eyes tightly shut as you watch him collect his feelings. his mother remains relaxed in the seat opposite you, arms tightly crossed over her chest but her face still brimming with anger and dissatisfaction. 

“okay,” he leans downwards, pressing his palms flat against the surface of the table. “if you’re so upset then i assume a contract has already been drawn up, yes?”

his mother doesn’t respond. 

“alright, i’ll contact the bureau director and i’ll explain the situation. it’s you the bureau director has a problem with, anyway. it’ll be easy for me.”

your face was turned to juyeon, but your eyes couldn’t resist the temptation to look at his mother. she had just been outspoken by her son, and you felt so proud of him for standing up for himself. 

his mother finishes the win, visibly angry. she gets up and leaves the dining hall, and when you hear the lift ‘ding’ followed by the sound of its gears shutting its doors, you heaved a sigh of relief.

the entire room relaxes and begins helping to clear the table. juyeon was the only one who looked like he was about to burst from anger and frustration. 

you stand up and wrap your arms around his torso, leaning your chin on his shoulder.

“hey.”

“i’m sorry you had to see that.”

you shake your head, pulling away and hugging his arm instead. 

“i’m sorry that i lied about what i did over the weekend, and i’m sorry i didn’t tell you i was already engaged.”

you let the pain of the realisation sink in for a moment, before giving him a weak smile. “well, it wasn’t really a lie. you said it was something to do with your family... and besides, you broke off the engagement.” you reach over his chest and find his arm to pull him to face you, looking up at him whose eyes were filled with remorse. 

naturally, a shitty feeling swamps you when you lose sight of his prideful, authorial self, so you pull his face down to meet yours and you feel him melt into the kiss. 

“do you need to go back to the office?” you let him go, his hands now resting on your waist.

“yeah,” he sighs apologetically. “i only came back because the lobby called to tell me my mother was here.”

“aw,” you grin in attempt to shake off the tension that was still hanging in the air. “nice to know you came back to save me from your mother.”

a smile appears on his lips, and he pulls you in all so suddenly, planting a soft kiss on your forehead.

“maybe i shouldn’t leave my marks so high up your neck next time.”

you sigh with your lips in smile, pressing your head into his chest as he wraps his arms tightly around you. 

THE NEXT DAY

your arm was linked tightly with juyeon’s as he walks you up the stairs of the grand hotel, the ends of your gown dragging along the marble surface to the restaurant where he would meet the bureau director. 

you couldn’t take your eyes off him, though the simple suit was nothing compared to the dress he had prepared for you within a day’s notice. you reach the restaurant entrance and the lady immediately recognises him, turning to lead you two into the restaurant and in the corner where the private rooms were.

“so just to be clear, ignore your mother and be nice to the bureau director, right?” you giggle as the restaurant staff knocks on the door. 

juyeon laughs and pecks you on your temple. “maybe if you ignore her enough, she’ll start wanting your attention.”

you snicker to yourself, watching the door pull open and the light from inside spills out. 

you trail behind juyeon and look into the room, and your heart stops in your chest.

the world stops revolving around the sun and your breath hitches in your throat, your grip on juyeon’s arm tightening instantly when you see the two people in the room. 

“mother,” juyeon awkwardly starts, only noticing your sudden grip on his arm. 

mother. 

she looks at you with wide, surprised eyes before they dissipate into a wide smile. 

“this is the bureau director, mrs--”

“it’s alright,” she stops juyeon. “i know who she is.”

you gulp and your chest collapses in on itself. 

of all people, THIS bureau director just had to be your mother?

Part 6: Bourbon

[alhexedander-blog]

100

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it? Emre and yes. 2. Are you artistic? Yes. 3. Have you had your first kiss? Yes. 4. What is your life goal? To make movies. 5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person? Yes. But some aren’t particularly interesting and others are very negative and I don’t care to name drop or regale. 6. Do you play any sports? Yeah. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and while it’s not a sport, rather a military system I have started Escrima. 7. What’s your worst fear? I can’t imagine and even if I could I don’t think it would be wise to release it on social media for all to see. 8. Who’s your biggest inspiration? Jackie Chan. 9. Do you have any cool talents? I can draw. 10. are you a morning person? No. 11. How do you feel about pet names? Indifferent. 12. Do you like to read? Yes. 13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. Perhaps Friends, it made me think about having a social life. I’ve always been a workaholic and after a while I considered maybe dedicating more time to my friends. 14. Do you care about your follower count? Not even a little tbh. I follow who I find interesting and I am grateful that I have so many people that are interested in my content and follow me. But, followers mean very little to me. I have blogs other than this one and there are about 4 followers on one of the ones I am very active on. It’s not about the followers for me. It’s just like an online scrapbook. That’s also why I make new ones, it’s kind of like getting a fresh scrapbook to distract me from my big one haha. 15. What’s the best dream you’ve had? Ah, who knows. I’ve been blessed with many pleasant experiences and therefore pleasant dreams. 16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender? Yup. 17. Do you have any pets? My parents have a cat named Lucky. One day I would like to have a Siberian Husky. 18. Are you religious? I am very spiritual but religious, no. I was raised muslim but I converted to buddhism as a child. However, my mum continued to teach me muslim values. Still, I believe her to be an example of a good muslim. She never said that I couldn’t be a buddhist. She believed I would pick up good values from it so she allowed it. As I grew older I looked to science more. I do not believe in a lot of buddhist beliefs such as reincarnation. However, I do believe in the concept of improving mind of matter, inner-peace and connectivity with the world around you through meditation. 19. Are you a people person? There are instances when I have been. But, for the most part I would say no. I can be quite difficult to like at first as I’m a little rough around the edges. It’s just who I am. I was actually raised in a home that has a decent amount of money. Just, as I took to the arts I saw swearing as a means of expression, so I began to swear frequently. I was curious about my military heritage, so I began martial arts. I have been told by quite a few that it took them a while to warm up to me. I feel like it could also be a cultural thing. Being half-Turkish I am very expressive and passionate when I talk at times and it might come across as a bit much or aggressive to someone who isn’t used to me, so I’m trying to improve on that haha. 20. Are you considered popular? Despite all that I just said, yes. I have many friends. I am a nice person, I play big-brother to everyone. I’m just difficult to warm to. 21. What is one of your bad habits? I swear like a sailor. 22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable? Ohh. Not much these days. I used to feel very vulnerable if I cried. But these days I’ve recognised that it’s actually just a very healthy form of catharsis. It allows for the relief of stress and since I’ve become more secure about crying and expressing emotion I’ve actually become far more secure in my masculinity and the fragility of my ego has drastically improved.   23. What would you name your children? I have no idea. Not sure I want kids. 24. Who’s your celebrity crush? Where to start? Aly Raisman, Jay Park, Daniel Dae Kim and Ariana Grande. 25. What’s your best subject? Filmmaking, art and sport. 26. Dogs or cats? Both! I’m not deciding. 27. Most used social media besides tumblr? Twitter. 28. Best friend(s) name(s)? Kirsten, Alex, Jay, Lizzie, Sarah, Katie and Emin. 29. who does your main family consist of Myself, Emily, Ezgi, Ata and Emin and Lynsey. 30. Chocolate or sugar? Chocolate. 31. Have you ever been on a date? Yeah haha. 32. Do you like rollercosters? Once I’m on them yes. 33. Can you swim? Yeah. 34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse? Depends what kind. My brother and I are super well prepared for a zombie apocalypse. We are gonna collect a stockpile of weapons and head into the water cos zombies can’t swim. We will fish for food and in the event we get stranded there will be camping gear including a makeshift electric fence to keep zombies away. 35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder Yeah. Bipolar Disorder. 36. Are your parents together? Yeah. 37. What’s your favourite colour? Blue. 38. What country are you from/do you live in? London, England. 39. Favourite singer? Loads. I love Jay Park and Panic! At the Disco. 40. Do you see yourself being famous some day? Perhaps but I don’t really want it so meh. 41. Do you like dresses? On girls yeah. 42. Favourite song right now? This is Gospel. 43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nope. 44. How old were you when you first got your period? I’m not a girl. 45. Have you ever shot a gun? I wanna. 46. Have you ever done yoga? Yeah. 47. Are you a horror girl? Totes. 48. Are you good at giving advice? Sometimes. 49. Tell us a story about your childhood: I used to do stuff like forge sick notes from my dad and I am dead-ass serious when I say that there was like five spelling mistakes per note but somehow I managed to forge his signature exactly the same way and it’s something that’s baffled all of us to this day. 50. How are you doing today? Good. 51. Were you a cute kid? Yeah I guess. 52. Can you dance? No. 53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing? Basically every time I’m drunk. 54. Have you ever dyed your hair? Loads of times. 55. What colour are your eyes? Green. 56. What’s your favourite animal? Dogs. 57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself? Every single time I’m drunk haha.  58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Meh. 59. Do you have good friends? Yeah. 60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group? Yeah. 61. What’s your favourite class? Film & TV. 62. List all the TV shows you are watching: Doctor Who, Prison Break, OPM, Rick and Morty and American Dad. 63. Are you organised? Yeah. 64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion? Assassin’s Creed. Shit. 67. Which TV character do you relate to most? Maybe Zuko.  68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness? Nothing. 69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing? What I’m doing now. 70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die? Nothing. Live hard. 71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you? Nothing. 72. If you could start over, what would you do differently? Yeah. 73. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yeah. 74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new? A year ago. 75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind? My heavy bag. 76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today? I edited my screenplay and enrolled in a world-class Escrima academy. 77. What did you want to be when you were a kid? An artist. 78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking? Nothing really, that’s what I’m doing. 79. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have? These kids were bullying another kid and I knew in my heart I should have stopped them but I didn’t and I kicked myself for the longest time. 80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence: become a filmmaker.  81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like? How I’m living.  82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity? Trying to be as happy as possible. Learning to meditate and enjoy life. 83. How would you spend a billion dollars? I’d buy a flat and travel/live comfortably for the entirety of my life. 84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future? Past. 85. What motivates you to succeed? Art. 86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most? I was a hit-man on a boat and killed everyone including my family. It has me shook to do this day. 87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why? Woods. Because it sounds like an adventure.  88. Do you believe in life after death? No.  89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they? School has been a prison to me and I long to escape.  90. What’s your fondest childhood memory? I have many. Living in the mountainsides in Turkey strikes a fond chord.  91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why? Bruce Lee. I’d want to pick his mind. 92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy? World peace. 93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life? People don’t hand you shit you have to go out and take it and you have to be willing to literally bleed for it.  94. What do you think happens after we die? We decompose and reunite with the earth.  95. What would you do if you would be invisible? Girls’ locker room. 96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try? Beastiality.  97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring? Yes. Playing God FTW.  98. How did your first crush develop? Basically we were bffls in Primary School and I got a crush on her and she got a crush on me. 99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it? Depression. Well, I’m not depressed now. But after certain events a little while ago I tried to take my life. Since then I’ve pretty much just lived my life in the way that makes me that happiest.  100. Do you live or do you just exist? I live.

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhhhh... *derp* (More stuff about indecision, some talk about doctors and some blog changes)

Lately has been well... kinda okay but mostly meh. I’ve been flip flopping between feeling somewhat content with myself and a little motivated and feeling absolutely empty inside and distraught. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post here (actually a reblog lol) and I’ve really been wanting to write a post but I’m still stuck in the habit of putting it off until I know for sure what I want to write or have the privacy to do so. Or maybe it’s just me being a big scaredy cat again :< I think from now on I’ll try to just write as if I’m writing in a diary, so more spontaneous and with less worrying about structure/keeping to just one topic or whether someone reads it or not, as I’m doing this for myself and my benefit most.

Although I was dawdling I did however sort out quite a lot of stuff to do with the blog and some good stuff irl (which I’ll get to later or in another post). One of the main things to mention is that I switched this blog from my primary one to a side one, which does make more sense and makes me feel a bit more at ease which should make it a bit easier to write and post without the restraint I was feeling before. Whether to keep them linked or not idk, I feel uneasy about it but I don’t think it should matter, I mean it is still me on both blogs and everything. I just wanted to separate the huge blocks of serious emotional text from the random cutesy and silly stuff I also wanted to post, but I think I might still post mental health related things to my main one, just in the form of images and not essays like these lol. 

Also I changed the urls from the hyphenated and maybe overly fancy termed things they were previously to more simple and cute ones. I still feel a lil iffy about them (like this blog url feels a bit ‘cold’ but looks pretty and flows well while my main one sounds more ‘warm’ but the world cuddly doesn’t flow well or look as nice lol) but whatever I’ll grow to like them or just change them again whenever, I spent way too much time agonising over them, it’s time to move on! I fixed up the about pages on both of them too, the links and tags pages are still empty for now, but I’m content enough with the way they are now to actually begin posting properly soon I hope. Oh and the current avatar/sidebar image is a really crappy drawing I made 2-3 years ago with a mouse when I was feeling down and was going to make and name this blog ‘rainysnail’ lol. I still might use that name/url someday for something though ^^

I searched for ‘extreme indecisiveness’ in google the other day because I was that frustrated with myself about well, being indecisive (and it was over the same lame url/blog stuff as before, not surprise surprise). I know there’s a lot of stigma around consulting ‘Dr.Google’ and self diagnosis being looked down on as it could prove to be more harmful in some cases and I won’t lie, I do get kinda hypochondriac-ish sometimes, but sometimes it can be very educational and helpful too. I just wanted to know if I was feeling something... something valid(?) or if I was just being an idiot. 

I came across ‘Aboulomania’ on my indecisiveness search and wow, it sounds pretty similar to AVPD and my current feelings but the way it’s written is kinda heavier? (and hella typo-ey/engrish-y lol I just chose that one because it seemed to have the most info from the few I clicked on). Idk... it doesn’t seem to be as much of a known/legit thing so there doesn’t seem to be that many sources on it or at least any reputable ones (though I didn't look particularly hard or for a long time though but once you’re past page 2 on google everything is bleh anyways lol). Also on its definition here lol it talks about ‘analysis paralysis’ and that’s something I kinda knew of and struggle with already. I feel some resonance with this finding and feel a little more assured and saddened at the same time, but I’m not about to run around screaming I have this thing or anything. Maybe I’ll look into it more another time but right now I kinda don’t have the energy to .__.

Indecision is something that appears and could be caused by all sorts of disorders, even just depression alone or a whole mix of other things and factors. Many disorders overlap (like the stuff in cluster c which I feel are most relevant to me) and trying to pinpoint exact reasons and causes for things to do with mental health is near impossible, so I don’t wanna dwell on it. I have therapy soon so having a professional help work out things is a much better idea (unless they also consult Dr.Google like some of the stories I’ve read online lol).

I did see some snippets of advice on indecision on another page and it was basically to let go of the feeling to try and always be perfect/choose the definitive ‘right’ decision and to just trust your gut feelings instead of leaving yourself to stress over it. Yeah, it’s nothing new really and I have been trying to do this but sometimes it’s just so difficult with all these automatic negative feelings weighing my rationality down and sometimes I forget because it’s so hard wired into me to get anxious and over analytical. *Sigh* ...but if I keep reminding myself I think it will stick more in the end. I have already adopted the ‘it doesn’t hurt to try’, ‘just do it, ‘yolo’, ‘no1curr’ etc. kind of mindset/mantra when I get hesitant before doing something that I usually avoid lol, sometimes it fails but the times when I have been brave and not overthought or avoided I’ve felt kinda proud of myself and there were some positive-ish outcomes too. So I just need to continue and allow myself to grow stronger in mind and spirit (and hopefully body too).

In relation to what I said before about the whole ‘Dr.Google’ thing, I thought maybe take the time now to write about my experiences with doctors in general. Many times in the past and even now when I would be explaining my problem (whether physical or mental) to a doctor, they would just shake their head and scoff to them self or even outright laugh smugly and then dismiss it straight away (especially if I mentioned I read something on the internet). The feeling of being fobbed off and even ridiculed by someone that’s supposed to be helping didn’t fare well on my confidence at all and I feel it is a reason I wasn’t proactive in sorting out a lot of the problems I’m still dealing with and obviously I am regretful, maddened and saddened as many of them could have been avoided or alleviated better if they were dealt with sooner.

I’m not saying all doctors are like this, I think it was those particular doctors that were the problem and thank goodness I don’t have to choose to see them anymore (I hope). My current doctor (who I actually came across due to those mean doctors being unavailable one time) is worlds apart in the way he handles things. He is so kind and accommodating to start with, listens well to any concerns, addresses them with great care and reassurance and is very adept at scheduling appointments for further investigations. I feel he really goes above and beyond and has both a friendly and personal but professional demeanour. I mean he isn’t 100% godly perfect as there were times I felt a bit iffy with some of the explanations and prescriptions and sometimes things were delayed, but he does try hard to help and is not against reading information from the internet and in fact encourages it and utilises it himself (eg. printing a informational page on a certain health thing from a reliable health website).

When I presented some info and concerns relating to a health problem I was having investigated already but felt was going in the wrong direction (ie. going down the typical ‘fob you off with the most common explanation so you go away’ route) he explained that it’s the typical process to go for the most common things first when investigating and agreed another route of investigation would be beneficial, more relevant and time efficient so he arranged that too. This doctor is such an awesome and good natured person and I’m so grateful, but he may only be temporary at the place I go to however and it makes me sad to think I might end up with the mean kind again someday. But the lesson is to not settle on doctors that are not helpful or any other type of awful and that there are good people out there. Something that was really very prominent and touching about going to this doctor is that my mother and sister who go with me sometimes were also stunned by how nice and helpful he’s been.

I distinctly remember one of the first times I went to see him with my mum and at that point I had been ill for so long already and she was obviously very worried about me. At the end of the appointment he announced what he would recommend me for investigation and assured that he’d help me get better soon with a smile and then he pointed to my mum next to me who I wasn’t facing at the time and I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something about my mum crying. When I turned to look, she was indeed crying and I couldn’t stop my own eyes from watering either. I have never ever EVER seen my mum cry before, so it shocked me a lot and made me emotional too. I mean my sister told me she did cry one time recently, but that was when she was so stressed and upset over a family matter on her side of the family :c It’s not like this is something on my bucket list or anything, because I would rather her never be upset or cry for a bad reason, but this showed how much she cares and worries for me and in this case she was crying because she was happy, relieved that she would possibly not have to see me suffer as much and was moved to tears.

Unfortunately the problems have still not been resolved or fully recognised yet, and recently one of the doctors recommended to help investigate fobbed me off and it feels bleh lol... no not lol... very un-lol :< But at least the investigation is still going further in some way I guess and I’ll take his words with a grain of salt, I’ve yet to see my regular doctor to discuss what happens next. I think I’ve just backed down and passively taken whatever explanations too much in the past with negative results or progress and Idk I have a hard time accepting things some doctors say nowadays, a lot of it seems contradictory, sometimes illogical or outdated, robotic, insincere etc. 

When I’m reading what I’ve just written it keeps making me worried I’m a ass or have trust issues or something... :< I know doctors are meant to be serious and professional, but I can’t shake the feeling that some of them are not nice/unwilling to help as much as they could. I have had so many past experiences to do with being treated differently and being prejudiced against and it still happens today and not just to me but all of my family members, it’s tough and really upsetting... :c

It is true though, that you really have to push and persist if you want something done about a problem, and many times people are let go and misdiagnosed with stuff that ends up being something different or a lot more serious. I’m not saying whatever I have is ultra serious and I wouldn’t know anyways. I am clearly not dying, and I hope I’m not, but when I was without medication at the beginning I felt so bad and I was so scared of dying (even though usually idgaf thanks to depression etc.) I’m scared of being in pain and having to suffer both physically and mentally forever. I want to get better, become a stronger person. do the things that matter and well, in a nutshell live my life to the fullest.

Anyways, about the app with the normal doctor... I avoided phoning on a day I could’ve gotten a sooner appointment (my sister encouraged me to, but she was away that day and my mum said it was an inconvenient day to go, but it actually wasn’t really... I should I have pushed myself to go forward even so...) the appointment I do have is 2 weeks away from what it could’ve been. But I guess maybe someone else might have taken that appointment that needed it more urgently, or there might not have been any available that day anyways w/e. Avoidance playing up again... be more brave silly self!

I was planning to write some more happier stuff that’s been going but this post is already quite long so a separate post it is~ and I won’t keep putting it off! Tbh I’m only comfortable pulling up my blog and writing my feels whenever I am alone, so when my family are all at work, but this only occurs on random days and for such a short span of time. Or at least when I know they are all busy downstairs, I can try but I feel like I have to be extra alert and switch it away when they do come. I... ugh idk :c I don’t want to be secretive or feel guilty but I can’t help it, it’s just so hard and frustrating. I can’t even write what illnesses I was talking about earlier on (though I do hope to dedicate whole posts to writing about them later). I will improve and forgo this paranoid feeling someday though! Believe it! *cringe*