#but i find them honestly fascinating allies/friends who are as similar as they are different

[khattikeri]

who is going to write the essay about hua cheng's love and devotion making his life and ghost city all the more bright and rich and colorful lucky red while he xuan's hatred and dedication to revenge leaves his life and black water demon lair all the more dark, empty, and unfulfilled, much like an empty stomach

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 13: 1x14 Balance of Terror

A little late this week because Friday didn’t work out but here I am with my liveblog (ish) of Balance of Terror.

This is the one that starts off with Kirk officiating a wedding, which is adorable. He loves this part of his job. He loves love so much!

Also they’re going to broadcast this important event through the whole ship. And Scotty is walking the bride down the aisle, which is so on point for him.

Sulu, shut up. Kirk’s busy officiating here. He broke out the romantic lighting on his eyes and everything.

The Earth-Romulan War, over a century ago. That’s a long time. Interesting that it wasn’t a Federation war, although Spock mentions allies. Either that was pre-Federation within canon, or pre-Federation in the writing of Star Trek, or if it really was just an Earth war. Were Vulcans allies?

I’m just....... eternally fascinated by Romulans. It fascinates me too that this whole history is ALSO the background to the Kelvin attack in AOS, which is 35ish years before this. So at the time, the Romulan war had happened, but Earth didn’t know what Romulans looked like, and then one shows up on this big-ass ship and just destroys a Federation vessel for no reason. It’s not even clear if they knew Nero was a Romulan if I remember correctly. Basically my point is that AOS should have done way more with this.

Also outposts on asteroids.

This engaged couple is adorable.

A space vessel attacked your outpost? A space vessel? In space? How could it be??

Spock’s make up on point as usual.

Time to screen share.

“Their invisibility screen must work both ways.”

Kirk is so smart and has such a great command presence. I love him.

Today’s one allotted use of Kirk’s first name by Spock: “The exact heading a Romulan vessel would take JIM.”

I mean it was obviously a Romulan attack lol. I know from the last ep Kirk really likes to be sure of stuff but who else could it possibly be??

Stiles suggests there could be Romulan spies on the Enterprise, for reasons I missed because I was busy thinking about how he was dumb. I respect Kirk for listening to his men when they’re being smart but on further reflection... how the heck would Romulan spies get on a Federation ship?? Also nothing ever came of this so...

Dun dun dun, big reveal! Everyone’s so shocked and Spock is like initially surprised and then faintly resigned. “I know how this is gonna go... brace for racism.”

Alternately: “...Dad?”

Yeah, Kirk, shoot down that bigotry on the bridge. “I said I’m sure you’re complimenting my husband on his decoding abilities, RIGHT?”

Spock probably could decode the message though.

...Thinking about it now, did they ever decode the message? Or was it just important for like figuring out where the ship was or that it still existed even though invisible or whatever?

Cry me a river about wanting to go home, Romulan Commander, you were the one who crossed into Federation territory and attacked outposts for no reason lol. “I can’t believe our acts of war are going to lead to war.”

He’s like Romulan Pike. So world weary and dramatic. “Danger and I are old companions.”

Stiles is all like “well Spock’s an expert on Romulans” but he’s not an expert? He’s just making up what he knows about them based on very old Vulcan history.

I know later “canon” killed this theory but I took Spock’s reference to Vulcan’s colonizing past as him guessing that perhaps Vulcan colonized a planet and then forgot about it, and those colonists missed out on the Surakian revolution. And I find this pretty hilarious so I’m just gonna stick to it.

Romulan Commander would not get along well with Nero. Here he is waxing all poetic and stuff. Bet he’s never met a miner in his life.

Kirk’s profile when he’s looking down... you can see why CPine was a good choice to reboot him.

Lol random Janice Rand. Just here to hug Kirk since Spock is too busy being on the floor.

What the heck was that with Spock and Stiles? He just shows up at the navigator’s station like “Hey. I dare you to be racist right now.”

People who don’t like Kirk need to watch this ep, along with the Corbomite Maneuver. His gravitas, his sense of command.

RIP Centurion.

The Romulan Commander is so “oh woe is me, I am so far from home, I only wish to see my familiar stars again” but BITCH you left home! You attacked people for no reason!

Enterprise after dark.

Kirk just lying around, looking handsome. Resting handsomely.

Taking out Chris Pine’s tiny violin while Kirk whines about command.

When McCoy started in on his speech, my mom was like “McCoy has been drinking” and honestly......lol and she’s probably not wrong. He’s still being sweet though.

Spock what the hell man. Stop being so awkward and clumsy, bitch.

“He reads the thoughts in my brain.”

Woah forgot the part of this where they blow up a literal nuclear warhead.

Sulu’s into this Navigator Uhura thing. Real step up from Stiles.

Commander’s so fed up with this Decius bitch.

Spock runs like a dork, too. Still there to save the day and Stiles’s ass though!

Firing the phasers isn’t very pacifist of him.

“In a different reality, I could have called you a friend.” They should have rebooted him, and had him meet CPine’s Kirk.

No, not Tomlinson!!

The irony of the groom dying is the part I remember from this ep, that Kirk did a good job, destroyed his enemy, avoided the neutral zone, and got away with only one casualty--but that casualty was the man who was about to get married--but the actual literal ending is bizarre. “There there, crewman... okay time to get back to work.”

Then striding through the halls alone.

I love this episode and it holds up, although I sometimes missed the finer points of their maneuvering. I think this is partly because there’s a lot of technical stuff going on along with a lot of other stuff in the span of less than an hour and partly because this is SUPER space Navy, like one of the straight up Naviest episodes they ever did, and Naval battle narratives is not a genre I’m super familiar with.

There is way more to unpack here than I am really up for lol. First, while I love Kirk and Kirk-centric eps and the whole ‘he and the Commander are so similar they basically have a telepathic connection’ stuff... there’s a lot of barely touched upon Spock stuff here. My mom and I are disagreeing about how much he knew. She thinks he did know what Romulans look like, or that at the very least some Vulcans, like important Vulcans (and we know Spock is important) would have to know, because the whole concept of katras makes it impossible for them as a people to really forget anything. But I think it’s more interesting, and more in keeping with what this episode implies, if Spock specifically did not know. So this is a big reveal for him. And then in addition to dealing with Stiles’s shit, he has to assimilate that an Earth/Federation enemy is a relative of his people. And it’s a glimpse into the pre-Reform era, which you know even Vulcans have gotta be fascinated by. AND his positions in this episode are just... not super pacifist. Like the stuff he has to advocate, and actively do, like in firing the phasers and so on, is exactly what his dad warned him about when he was like ‘hey I’m gonna join the military, peace out.’ Then there’s the added wrinkle that the Romulans probably also don’t know what the Vulcans look like and Spock is conveniently never around for the Romulan Commander to see him. Not that he could take the info back with him, but they never have any confrontation even between them. So that’s a lot right there.

If this were a S2 or S3 ep, it would have been Spock-centric.

Literally can’t believe there were only 2 Romulan centric eps in the whole of TOS lol. Major missed opportunity there.

Next ep (hopefully this Friday!) is Shore Leave. In which McCoy has 3 ladies and Kirk has a homoerotic wrestle in the dirt with a man and somehow everyone still thinks he’s the space slut.

[queenofthefaces]

kyle for the character thing!!!!

Buckle up bc I’m extra af and love talking abt characters. Be aware this is like, entirely personal opinion and personal interpretation and also it’s almost 2am so LETS GO

1) sexuality hc: I’ve always really liked bi Kyle ahsjdkfk and tbh I’ve always found the idea of his attraction to other ppl really interesting

The way I characterize him is that he’s someone who’s like, typically very passive with his attraction. He’ll kind of glance at someone and think they’re attractive but he doesn’t necessarily have any strong feelings towards them or desire/drive to want to pursue anything with them. If he does want to pursue them it’s usually out of a sense of obligation or expectation—like a “well I might as well” or “this is what I’m supposed to do” kinda thing

Except Kyle DOES have exceptions—when he finds someone he feels passionately about, someone he’s emotionally and mentally invested in, it’s like 0-100 in terms of difference, bc suddenly he can’t stop thinking abt that person, how much he wants to be with them, etc. and a lot of that characterization, for me, falls in line w the specific ship I have for Kyle (which is obvious if you’ve followed me for a few but I’ll get Into That in the next section)

2) OTP: KYMAN by far my fave Kyle ship and one of my all time fave sp ships overall. I’ve always LOVED rivals/enemies to lovers ships that specifically have 1) characters who are equals 2) characters who are incredibly intimate and close w one another even if (or because of) it’s in the context of the rivalry 3) the characters have either some level of co-dependence or a need for the dynamic or one another in some way bc the relationship is fulfilling to them and bonus if 4) they’re the only ones that really understand each other

And I jus. Love that. Esp w kyman it’s so much fun taking that dynamic, the codependency and obsession, and just. Playing with it, on a storytelling/character analysis level. And then making it healthy, having them work through issues, bc the idea that “we’re both in way too deep with each other, we can either destroy each other or learn to get along” is jus 👌👌👌

And w kyman I love having Eric be Kyle’s exception. Kyle feels basically nothing towards his other s/o’s in contrast to how deeply he feels about Eric, and for Eric to have just as much depth of emotion in return. It’s fascinating and really fun esp when written from a kind of duo-redemptive story—they both start out toxic towards each other, and their relationship is toxic to other people, but they can’t bring themselves to put an end to it so they finally make it to that middle ground and come out as better peoole, together

This applies to a lot of my rivals/enemies to lovers ships but w kyman in particular there’s the added Funkiness of the childhood friends dynamic which is TASTEY like some nice sprinkles to jus add that extra Flavour. I love the concept of Kyle and Eric forming parts of their entire identities around each other from the time they were in diapers and everyone accepts that they’re always gonna he crazy for each other bc no one has the bond they do it’s so much fun

4) brotp: I should think more abt Kyle friendships tbh I don’t give those as much attention ahsjdkfkfk—tho I definitely have a soft spot for the super best friends kyle + Stan, I just have to work some development into it.

I love exploring their friendship as smth that deteriorates bc they grow apart as people, but then they realize they don’t WANT to grow apart and have to work to stay friends bc being friends isn’t as easy as it was when you were 8. It brings this really cool development that confronts Stan’s passivity towards his friends/his nihilism and Kyle’s entitlement and lack of emotional sensitivity and how they both need to make some compromises (but esp Kyle, bc I can see Stan as someone who tries very hard to not get much feedback).

In terms of Kyle being friends w other people I’m thinking it would be pretty situational. I can see Kyle getting some really eye opening perspectives from other ppl if he opens himself up to their views but that requires knocking Kyle down a few pegs lol, it’s fun to have him learn to recognize his own assumptions abt ppl and learning to value them as individuals yanno?

3) notp: honestly? Any other kyle ship. I can personally only see Kyle w Eric ahsjdkfk kyman endgame all the way. For me, a lot of other Kyle ships like, don’t make any sense, a lot in part bc I see Kyle as someone who has a lot of issues w socialization, entitlement, and selfishness along with his UNENDING OBSESSION w Eric Cartman (which also somewhat stems from those issues bc of Kyle’s sense of self identity vis a vis the rivalry)

Like, I can’t see Kyle sitting down and forming a meaningful romantic relationship w anyone else bc like, no one can provide the fulfillment, engagement, drive, and push/pull of Kyle’s relationship w Eric. Kyle would leave at the drop of a hat to confront smth Eric was doing and I don’t think he’d ever compromise with that. And someone who does compromise on that probably isn’t someone Kyle would want to be with in the long run.

I think the only ship I can see would be like, poly m4 bc that draws on pre-existing dynamics and doesn’t break or try to divy up Kyle’s attention. (Even tho like I said I don’t like Kyle w anyone else romantically)

5) 1st hc that pops in my head: my Kyle is autistic as fuck. Characterizing him as autistic gives a lot of insight into how his mind works and why he acts the way he does—a lot of his thought processes are just. What makes the most logical sense to him. It’s just that those trains of thought are on KYLES logic and that’s when he struggles to realize when he’s crossed a line or overstepped a boundary. Or how his brain is usually always “self-centered”—not in a morally negative way, just in that it’s not a natural reflect for him to remember other people.

And a ton of other things as well( including a fun hc of Kyle trying to use his autism as an excuse for being a dick, until Also Autistic Craig steps up like, no dude you’re just an asshole bc you’re not trying to do better). And bc as an autistic person, I really relate hard to Kyle to the point where if he were real I’d probably hate him bc we’d be too similar lmao; I think esp when I was a kid I acted a lot like Kyle—the self righteousness, the bossiness, the belief that my way was the only way that made sense and everyone else was just Wrong, the anger issues, etc.

It’s why I’m tough on Kyle a lot of the time, but it’s also why I love thinking abt his development, bc I know firsthand that he can mellow out, change, become a better, more wellrounded and emotionally aware person, and how he can make an effort into doing so

6) oh shit I didn’t even mean for this but obviously one way I relate to Kyle is the Above autistic hc and how I characterize him. Like I said, I acted a LOT like Kyle when I was a kid, so I know he’s an irritating little shit, but also brilliant and too thoughtful for his own good sometimes.

But another thing: I characterize Kyle as someone who is a natural leader, but hates being in official leadership positions. And this is also smth I’ve kinda written due to personal experience. But also from the way kyles often portrayed in canon—in the games, he’s always a support role, always a healer, ranged fighter, or someone who boosts and buffs allies

I see Kyle as the type of person who can easily take control in, for example, a group project situation, or when he’s hanging out with Stan and they’re only doing what Kyle wants to do bc Kyle comes up with all the ideas and Stan just goes along with them

But I can’t see Kyle as someone who’d want to be, like, student counsel president. (That’s more Wendy’s wheelhouse) Mostly bc there’s too much responsibility that it’s just exhausting, and more than that, those official positions are STIFLING. They run on someone else’s schedule and they’re creatively constructive. You can’t fully do your own thing bc you have to be constantly aware of how the group works and what the group wants. I can’t see Kyle as being happy in that position bc he’d get sick of having to conform his ideas to what other ppl want—he just wants to do his own thing.

So instead, Kyle would be more comfortable in a supporting role. Bc in a position like, for example, secretary or VP, he can still have a lot of influence, power, and knowledge, but he’s free from those restrictions that come from being the face of a group. And he’s also free from the social obligations of being a leader, esp in having to deal w other groups in like a business sort of way. AND if the group falls, Kyle won’t take as much of the blame, bc it’s probably not his fault anyways so why should everyone point fingers at him. It’s much less pressure.

(And it’s also kinda inspired by his role in the CBAA??—Cartman’s perfect in the CEO/face of the company position bc Cartman is comfortable with and relishes in the attention and social aspect of being the face/leader of a company, and Kyle can reap all the benefits of being a part of that company, including being an integral pillar of the company, w/o the deficits. If Eric and Kyle ran a company they’d work together, sure, but Eric would crumble without Kyle’s support, and Kyle would hate the stifling pressure of the head position, which makes them a perfect pair.)

(And again this is based on personal experience—I’m a natural leader. People listen to me, I can organize groups, and I’m a good mediator, but I hate when it becomes Official bc I can’t just. Do my own thing as I want to and it’s far too much to keep track of and most of it doesn’t interest me. It always irritated me when my parents tried to push me into like running for student president bc I just kept thinking abt all the work I’d have to do that I wouldn’t care abt)

7) what gives me secondhand embarrassment about Kyle? Well. Just......how much he reminds me of when I was a stupid kid. He’s such a little shit oh my god Kyle shut the fuck up YOURE NOT GHANDI. When Kyle’s being entitled and stuck up, when he thinks he’s better than other ppl, and when his own big mouth and pride are what fucks him over I’m just oh my god. Oh my GODDDDDD SHUT UPPPPP.

Mostly it’s secondhand embarrassment bc I’m jus oh my god ur an idiot—but again bc I know he has the ability to grow out of that and look back on himself with a grimace at how dumb he was ahsjdkfkfk

8) cinnamon roll or problematic fave? Definitely the latter, I love Kyle and I love when he’s happy and contented but him as a cinnamon roll kinda character feels so flat to me. I love him as a problematic fave he’s so much fun as a disaster. He’s complex—he’s tough and caring and angry and compassionate and an absolute fireball of EMOTIONS but he tries to act like he’s a logical rational person and I jus? He’s so much more fun and dynamic when he’s allowed to be messy

(Of course this is long why wouldn’t it be AHSJDKDKKFKGLGLH)

[nadziejastar]

You’re metas and analysis of Isa and Lea are amazing. And ty for standing up for Isa. Nobody tries to make distinction between his real self and the possessed emotionless puppet he was a Nobody. You actually made me like Isa, and I’m desperate for Lea/Isa content.

Aww, that makes me happy that you like Isa now. I absolutely adore the entire concept behind Isa. He was such a fascinating character, in theory. Everything about him was conceptualized to connect to the Realm of Sleep and the concepts of rebirth and love. It was incredibly unique and well thought out. It’s just such a shame that he was not utilized in any meaningful capacity. Like, how do you just waste such a perfect setup for an amazing story? How? Why? It just…kills me. Makes me question my faith in humanity, lol.

The fact that people don’t differentiate between Isa and Saïx is SO sad. That was the entire purpose of his character arc. KH3 was so unfair to poor Isa. It went against everything the series stood for. I honestly feel bad for the writers. They must have been so disappointed after they put so much thought into his and Lea’s story. Just the stuff they did with the moon impressed me so much.

Isa: The Moon Goddess of Love and Rebirth

The triple moon is a Goddess symbol that represents the Maiden, Mother, and Crone as the Crescent, Full, and Balsamic Moon. It is also associated with feminine energy, mystery and psychic abilities. You often see this symbol on crowns or other head-pieces, particularly worn by High Priestesses.

In the Maiden, Mother, Crone aspects of the Goddess, Selene is the mother Goddess, Artemis the maiden, and Hecate the Crone. Two of Saix’s weapons are named “Selene” and “Artemis”.

The Balsamic Moon phase is visible in pre-dawn twilight; the darkness is nearly complete. We begin the Balsamic Phase with just a thin sliver of light, and by the end of the phase, darkness is complete. We are approaching New Moon; this is the last waning phase. She has withdrawn into the darkness, leaving the night wrapped in shadows. Disappearing from sight, she is resting, preparing for the next Lunar Cycle.

Isa’s symbol is a waning crescent. But Balsamic is the term used in astrology/magic. It’s the last phase of the cycle before the darkness of the new moon, visible in twilight. I love this since sunset is also associated with twilight. Axel and Saix’s relationship is Days is in a state of twilight. It’s the time when it’s not quite day, but not quite night. Twilight is a period or state of obscurity, ambiguity, or gradual decline.

This is a time of quiet contemplation. We withdraw into the shadowy depths of thought and emotion, resting, reflecting, thinking, feeling, dreaming, and preparing. To a great degree we exist in the ‘invisible worlds’ of subconscious, spiritual realms, daydreaming, and our own inner depths. We are often consciously unaware - much is happening, yet it seems that nothing is happening. The past slips away, quietly into the night as the future slips in. While the Moon releases her current cycle, extinguishing the light and preparing for the next cycle, we too are releasing extinguishing and preparing; even if we don’t know it on a conscious level.

This is just…perfect for the Realm of Sleep storyline. Like, too perfect. This is what Saïx’s Mystery Gear was all about. Xemnas conducted mind control experiments, as a way to get a person to renounce their sense of self. This would allow them to be open to his heart, and he could turn them into another Xehanort. That was his entire goal in the Xehanort Saga. It’s exactly what the letter chi stands for, which inspired the Recusant’s Sigil. The scar symbolizes that Isa had to die for Saïx to exist as another self of Xehanort.

But the rabbit on the moon is a symbol of immortality. The Jade Rabbit was so selfless, he was willing to give up his life for a hungry beggar, who turned out to be the Lord of Heaven in disguise. In reward for his deed, he was taken to the moon to live forever. It’s also a symbol for people on Earth to look at, so they never forget the rabbit’s virtue.

During the experiments on the darkness of the heart, all the subjects suffered the collapse of their hearts. None could be used as vessels. The entire idea behind Subject X is that they were a unique specimen that did not collapse, unlike everyone else. This crescent phase of “Moon Rabbit” is used when Saïx is in his normal state. The rocket is taking Isa’s heart to the moon, where it will live forever. His love and selflessness will never be forgotten. But…it’s not there yet. The rabbit isn’t on the moon. It’s still on the way. But Axel doesn’t know this. That’s why it was called “Mystery Gear”. Of course “Moon Rabbit” feels totally at odds with Saïx’s personality. That’s the whole point.

New Moon is the phase of new beginnings. It is also called Dark Moon. You may not be aware you are beginning anything at all. In fact this is often a time with little conscious awareness of direction. This is a time of emotion, desire, and spontaneity. This is also considered to be a very powerful time to do “destructive magic”, like hexing and cursing.

Saïx’s first weapon in Days is called “New Moon”, and it is also perfect. It’s a new beginning, though not necessarily a happy one. “New Moon”, “Werewolf”, and “Berserk”  are all shaped like the alchemical symbol for antimony. The metal antimony symbolizes the animal nature or wild spirit of man and nature, and it was often symbolized by the wolf. In alchemy, it is thought that antimony has the ability to free gold from impurities, and the innate power to have a similar effect on humankind. Basically antimony is poison, but can be transmuted into pure medicine. And that’s exactly what Saïx needs. A transmutation.

Roxas: What’s it like having a best friend, Axel?

Axel: Couldn’t tell ya. I don’t have one.

Roxas: Oh…

Days completely revolves around two parallel stories. Pretty much everything Axel talks about with Roxas relates back to his past. When he teaches Roxas stuff, it’s almost always implied that he’s speaking from experience. You can tell he is here, because he gets so sad about not having a best friend. Obviously he was thinking of Saïx. And it’s like that for the entire game.

Xion: But you have memories, don’t you?

Axel: Yeah. Not that they’ve ever done me any good.

The entirety of Days takes place in this Dark Moon period of death and darkness. Isa has been banished with deconstructive magic. Isa was the Old Moon. Saïx is the New Moon, the Dark Moon. In his heart, Axel could tell that Isa and Saïx are two different people. He knew Isa’s heart was gone. And he was mourning a loss, just like a death. He was doing a lot of soul searching. He struggled with how to come to terms with his grief.

Lea: In memories, you live forever, you know?

Isa: Well, you may be a really small part of my memories, but at least you’ll never disappear.

Lea: I’m SO flattered.

The best thing he can come up with is to try viewing things from the perspective that he held in the past. If you exist inside of people’s memories, you can live forever. He may have to let go of any hope that Saïx will be his best friend ever again. But he can still hold onto the fond memories of Isa. Those memories can stay separated from the negative memories of Saïx. They can remain pure and undefiled in his heart forever. Isa said that Lea would never disappear from his memories. As long as Axel remembers THAT Isa, he will live forever.

Gibbous is when the moon is nearly full. Nearly, but not quite. We are poised and ready, the goal is so near we can almost touch it, almost reach it. So very close, but not quite, not yet. The Gibbous Phase holds a great deal of power and potential. It may take some patience and determination to tap into it. We find ourselves at the precarious point of being very close to a goal. This phase is about refining, fine-tuning, and tuning in. What you have begun may seem ready, but it can be better.

“Crescent” and “Gibbous” have a similar shape to Lea’s Keyblade.

Challenges, really, are always opportunities in disguise. But this is more true than ever during the Gibbous Phase. When you find yourself encountering glitches in your plans, realize that it is fortunate they were discovered at this stage, and most likely the result will be improving and enriching your endeavors. Impatience is so strong you can feel it in the air during Gibbous Phase. Yet patience is one of your best allies. It will come. It will be soon.

In magical terms, these phases are about breaking hexes, and using constructive magic to attract the things you want.

The level of energy is higher on Full Moon than any other time of the month. We see it, feel it, and sense it. We feel our own power, and the power of the world around us. The moon is the natural astrological ruler of emotions. When she is riding high, so are our emotions. We aren’t happy, we’re elated; we aren’t mad, we’re furious; we aren’t interested, we’re excited; we aren’t sad, we’re depressed. There is an out-of-control tendency that can make it difficult to harness this energy. This is a powerful time, of excess and extremes, which can manifest in a positive or negative way.

And of course, the moon is what breaks Saïx’s icy calm. The Full Moon can bring out the very worst emotions from a person’s subconscious. And during the final battle, Kingdom Hearts is a big Full Moon.

The Balsamic Moon Phase is a time for acceptance and release. What has gone too far to be repairable, we must let go of. The Moon is now retreating into the shadows, withdrawing into herself, resting and preparing to come back strong and vibrant in the next cycle. This is the time we should be preparing ourselves to be refreshed and ready for great momentum and new growth to come.

“Balsamic” is a weapon similarly shaped to triple goddess symbols. The Balsamic phase describes Isa’s story so perfectly.  He disappeared into the darkness of sleep.

This phase of the waning Moon is particularly good for final endings. Anything you don’t want to return - now is the time. We must have faith in ourselves, and the natural cycle, knowing what we let go of now will be reborn. We are making way for something new, releasing emotions and beginning healing…

But “Balsamic” is Crisis Gear. Saïx gets this weapon after he gets the Phoenix-shaped ones. This time it refers to the end of a different phase. The painful phase of the Dark Moon. I think this was meant to represent the time after Saïx is defeated, but before Lea uses the power of waking. I’m sure he wouldn’t know how to use it immediately. The purple aura symbolizes spirituality. But a black aura symbolizes long-term grief.

The Sun illuminates the Moon; she transforms and reflects his light upon the Earth. The illuminated Earth transforms and reflects her light, producing a mystical, silvery glow. These energies of illumination and reflection are ingrained into the phase of Full Moon. We reflect upon our lives and selves, we see more deeply into our own souls, as well as others. We are drawn to the illusive and mysterious.

The Full Moon is when the moon fully reflects the sun’s light. The moon’s energy is at its peak, so it can bring out the worst emotions. On the other hand, due to its power, it is also good for healing.

Full Moons are times when the moon is reflecting all of the sunlight it receives, flooding the earth with powerful energies. These are great times to receive energy healing. The Full Moon energy helps us release that which no longer serves us. It lights up the night, and energetically, these are times when the light can more easily eliminate the darkness in our lives, releasing old blocks. It makes us aware of life patterns that do not work for us. On a subconscious level, we may feel safer holding on to certain toxic emotions such as anger, fear, and jealousy. But with the Full Moon’s energy we can work on letting them go.

This version of “Moon Rabbit” is used in Saïx’s Berserk state. When the rabbit appears on the moon, it is full.  

“I think you can be inseparable even if you’re apart. It’s like, if you feel really close to each other. Like best friends.”

“As long as we remember each other, we’ll never be apart.”

These quotes are very similar and that was no coincidence. It was definitely implied that Axel used to feel not just close, but inseparable from Isa. As long as you feel really close to someone, you can be inseparable from them, even if you’re apart. And as long as you remember each other, you’ll never be apart. He still felt really close to the Isa from his memories. He never wanted to be apart from that Isa.

“I guess the closest thing we Nobodies have got is our past. You know, memories of the stuff we couldn’t bear to lose, back when we couldn’t bear to lose it.”

That’s why he shifted his attitude on Day 150. Before, he said memories were “just baggage”. Now he says that what he can’t bear to lose are his memories of what he couldn’t bear to lose…back when he couldn’t bear to lose it. Isa is the only established character from Lea’s past, so this was no doubt referring to him. Axel was admitting that when he was a human, he couldn’t bear to lose Isa. Of course, Axel did lose him. So, the next best thing was to hold onto the memories of him. The sad reality was that Axel’s hokey speech was really about finding a way for Isa to live forever, and for them to be inseparable once again. In his mind he knew this was probably hopeless. But his heart just wouldn’t let go of Isa.  

Axel thought he lost something precious—a special heart connection he had with someone. But the heart’s connection can never be lost. Lea realizes Isa’s heart never died. His love allowed his heart to live forever. The rocket carrying Isa’s heart has finally arrived on the moon. The rabbit is now immortal and his virtue will be remembered forever. Under the light of Kingdom Heart’s Full Moon, Lea is able to give Isa a birth by sleep, awakening his heart from the darkness of sleep, and offering him new life. He was right all along. Inside people’s memory, you do live forever. And no matter what, Lea’s heart just could not forget Isa.

Crescent Moon is now visible and increasing in size and brightness, having moved from darkness in the New Moon Phase to a slender, but solid easily visible sliver during this phase. This is the energy we feel during this phase; the beginnings of solidity. Visions and intentions are beginning to evolve into manifestation. Momentum is building, and we are beginning to see and feel the formation of what we have began. Our vision is clear, and direction is chosen. This is a time of seeking, and developing. We are encountering details, and confronting the challenges we must face. The vision held is going from a dream to a goal; from an idea to a plan.

The final scene shows Isa’s pin and it symbolizes the beginning of a new cycle, and also the Maiden phase. This phase is good for constructive magic, attracting things like love, wealth, and personal development.

Roxas: This is gonna sound stupid. Do you know what love is?

Axel: ‘Scuse me?

Roxas: I found out about love on today’s mission–that it’s something powerful.

Axel: That’s true. It is. But I’ll never get to experience it.

Roxas: Nobodies can’t love?

Axel: You need a heart, man.

A few days earlier, Axel was pretty dismissive about Roxas’ girl issues. On the other hand, he was NOT so dismissive about love. Sounds like he had a lot more personal experience in this matter that hit a lot closer to home than girl troubles. Axel has been in love. And he longed to be in a relationship where that love is reciprocated to him. This is something he’s never experienced, so he had no memories of it to fall back on.

After Axel said that, I didn’t think it would be truly satisfying unless he found love. But he specified that the love he truly longed for was the special kind between two people that’s different from caring about your friends. His arc was setting up more than platonic love. He longed for romantic love. That’s why I don’t think his ending in KH3 was a fully satisfying one. Friendship was important to him, yes. But the story set Axel up to have a lover when he finally got his heart back.

Axel: Love is what happens if there’s something really special between two people.

Roxas: You mean, like, if they’re best friends? Inseparable?

Axel: Well, you can care about your friends, I guess, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Everything in Days was carefully written to parallel Axel’s present situation involving Roxas, with his past involving Saïx. It was done very deliberately. Axel speaks of the past in broad terms, but he always speaks with a hint of wistfulness. The past is very personal to him. And the only established character from his past is Saïx. This was NOT an accident. It’s why I think the story was subtlely implying that Lea was not just best friends with Isa, but in love with him as well. They were best friends who were inseparable, just like Roxas and Xion. But Lea felt something else between him and Isa. And that something was different from the way he felt towards his other friends. What he felt for Isa was special. Lea felt love for him. And what better way to rekindle a lost love than under the heart-shaped moon of Kingdom Hearts, the heart of all worlds?

[elizas-writing]

How I Would Fix The Last Jedi

So it’s been a while since The Last Jedi premiered and with the initial hype and anger settling down, more people are looking at it through a proper critical lens. The more posts I see critiquing The Last Jedi, the more I’m starting to realize it’s got a lot more problems than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I still like it and found certain elements the best of the franchise, but perhaps I focused a little too much on being positive just to drown out all the anger (which to be fair, most of it was unwarranted to begin with). And thankfully now that most of the more pissy fanboys quieted down, I can post this in peace.

This film’s biggest problem was the lack of a good editor to keep the pacing consistent and allot the right amount of character development for everyone. So I’ll be addressing some of the major concerns with The Last Jedi and analyzing where and how problems could be fixed.

1. Leia’s Fate

Given Carrie Fisher’s death, some fans were anticipating Leia would possibly be killed off during The Last Jedi. But since she’s still alive at the very end, now they’re going to have to find a way to do that off screen unless they have enough spare footage from The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi to fill the gaps. To be totally fair with how much they filmed with Carrie, this was probably the best they could do without reshooting most of the film and pushing back the release date. Plus, this is the last time we’ll get to see her--- let me have Super Leia in Space. I think the only way they could work around this would be to record lines mentioning her depleting health given how long she was in space, even with using the Force to save herself. It’d at least give some foreshadowing that maybe she won’t make it to see the Rebellion win and drive our main heroes to follow in her footsteps.

2. No Memorial for Han Solo?

Yes, more than two years passed and the shock of Han Solo’s death faded for the fans, but for the characters, only mere hours passed. Leia lost her husband, Chewie lost a best friend, Rey lost a father figure, and Luke lost a brother-in-law. They should still be torn up about this, especially Luke given all his guilt on failing his nephew. It’s really hard to believe that there wasn’t even so much as a memorial for one of the greatest heroes of the Rebellion. Imagine how much more gut-wrenching the opening would be if they were caught off guard while mourning Han.

 I want more of Rey depressed and angry that the one father figure she’s known was offed by his own son without mercy. I want more of Luke’s guilt eating him which increases his reluctance towards training cause he doesn’t know if this will happen again and who else he’ll lose. Han’s death should still have a massive impact on the story and where the Resistance will go without a legendary fighter with such a special spark you won’t find anywhere else in the galaxy.

3. Admiral Holdo’s Reckless Shit

It’s really hard to gauge if I actually like Admiral Holdo because the film is back-and-forth between pulling the rug from under us with the character drama and forgetting the high stakes of their present situations. I get that Poe is hot-headed and needs to learn patience, but c’mon, you’re losing precious ships and lives the longer you stall and don’t just tell this trigger-happy nut what’s going on. She has no reason to be so secretive, and it’s just plain irresponsible given the small size of the Resistance. There’s no effort on her end as a leader to work together with some people, and unfairly talks down to them like children. And I know Leia does this too with Poe when she demoted him, but they have a quasi-mother/son dynamic where it works because they were working together longer than Poe has with Holdo. They might as well be strangers for almost two hours.

I definitely don’t hate Holdo as much as the rest of the fandom does, but we need more of her side with nuance on the divide and finding balance between fighting and self-preservation, especially as she leads in place of Leia and the two were close friends for decades. But you don’t get that connection and how much the Resistance means to her mere minutes before she dies. She comes off way too heartless than necessary for this side-plot. And it sucks because it’s a fascinating struggle between action and self-preservation in regards to rebellion and knowing when to do what to make actual progress, but it’s buried too deep in the subtext underneath the needless bickering between Holdo and Poe. Just show what she’s up to from the get-go, validate her reasoning, and allow her to be a likable character so her major sacrifice actually feels earned and not a last minute sympathy grab for Poe to learn a lesson.

4. What was Benicio del Toro’s Character Again?

Oh yeah, DJ.... I legit had to Google to remember the character’s two-letter name. And if that’s not enough to say he has no purpose in this movie, I don’t know what is. I get that he’s supposed to parallel Lando Calrissian when he tricks Han Solo back in Empire Strikes Back. But while Lando still had screentime afterwards to double-cross the Empire and join the Rebellion anyway, DJ just freaking disappears, and it’s never addressed what happens to him after turning in Finn and Rose. Honestly, if you wrote him out of the movie, it wouldn’t make much of a difference. And it sucks, because this side plot had great themes going on with war profiteering and the apathy towards both the Resistance and the First Order so long as one has something to gain from their deals.

If you’re going to parallel Lando’s arc from Empire, don’t cut it short when it’s getting good and have DJ consider the consequences of his actions, regardless if he joins the Resistance or not. Set up some foreshadowing for the next movie where DJ is completely working for the First Order or the Resistance and realizes how much picking a side does matter with rising authoritarianism. It has great potential for whether or not he’s redeemed with how long his apathy will take hold so long as he makes a quick buck.

Or better yet, just entirely replace DJ with an older Lando who lost his sense of hope with the rise of the First Order and hides away on Canto Bight waiting for age to catch up to him, living in blissful ignorance while the rest of the galaxy crumbles. He’s the decoder Finn and Rose were looking for all along and this was Maz’s way to coerce Lando back into the Rebellion. Much like Luke, Lando is reluctant to fight and see any hope, but upon hearing of Han’s death and Leia’s condition, regret eats him for all the years he spent away from his closest friends and just wasting his life on gambling and drinking. He finally agrees to help Finn and Rose, but they only get so far before getting caught by the First Order, just barely escaping with their lives and reuniting with the rest of the Resistance for the film’s climax.

5. Finn Overcoming Stormtrooper Past

I think this deleted scene speaks for itself on all the missed opportunity in developing Finn. That’s not to say he’s totally devoid of screentime as it’s still fun to see him with Rose exploring Canto Bight and getting caught up in their own misadventures. But many were hoping this would be the perfect time to explore his traumatic past and how Stormtroopers work in this world. Maybe he’d try to go back, save them from the brainwashing and help them realize they’re just senselessly murdering innocent people for nothing.

Holdo even has a line where she refers to Finn as a Stormtrooper almost in disgust, so you’d think there would be more time to show his change over to the Resistance and proving himself not just as a powerful ally, but someone who is more than their past. Someone who can finally break the cycle of children being taken away from their families to become disposable soldiers. But his battle with Phasma comes and goes so quickly and doesn’t leave as big of an impact as it should, and much like Force Awakens it feels like they’re playing great cards far too early. This deleted scene works so much better when you see the gears turning in the Stormtroopers when they realize their leader is just a massive coward, and it ends perfectly with Finn proudly calling himself “rebel scum.” It’s still beyond me why this scene was scrapped. They either needed to keep this  in or have Phasma survive and make a grand final battle for Episode IX.

I want that spark of rebellion to ignite in the Stormtroopers where they realize “wait, what the hell are we even fighting for?” and dismantle the First Order from the inside out by Episode IX. It’d make a great parallel to the prequels and Order 66 but completely recontextualized in a story of rebellion and redemption. Throw in some of the Resistance saving children from growing up into soldiers, tragically epic scenes of sacrifice, and boom, there’s a climax of Episode IX practically writing itself.

6. Shut up Ben Solo-Organa

Now, I like Kylo Ren as a villain-- he’s similar to Anakin Skywalker’s whininess in the prequels except made legitimately terrifying with the fragile toxic masculinity of wanting to be stronger and powerful by any means necessary. However, I can’t do the woobifying, both from large sects of the fandom and Rian Johnson. I would be a lot more forgiving of his character development in The Last Jedi if Johnson made Kylo Ren’s intents more clear without implying any romance between him and Rey-- fucking really (and sorry, not sorry, the only thing I ship Kylo with is a swift kick in the ass).

I get that we need temptations of the dark side as part of the classic Star Wars story, and I love the twist on it where Kylo turning to the dark side was ultimately his choice and not because Luke failed him-- especially as killing Snoke didn’t flip him back to the light like when Vader killed the Emperor. But the heart of that particular recontextualization should be on the student-teacher relationship between Rey and Luke and not Kylo Ren sniveling like an infant. It walks a thin line of making Kylo Ren almost too sympathetic and forgetting how he ended up with the First Order to begin with. I don’t care how many puppy dog faces he makes; as shown by the end of the film, he’s not ready for redemption, if it will ever be in his grasp. His excess screentime of what we already know undermines Rey and Luke’s relationship which should be the focus of the former’s arc in The Last Jedi. But unfortunately, it isn’t as strong as it was with Luke and Yoda or Obi-wan and Anakin because the film has to juggle with a dozen other plotlines and characters.

Hopefully with J.J Abrams back in the directing chair, maybe he can steer the focus back on the films and what the fans really want. Granted, I don’t think The Last Jedi deserved nearly the level of vitriol it got within the last year, but even I couldn’t ignore some of the major problems and missed opportunities to get its themes across.

If you enjoyed this fix-it and what I do here, consider buying me a ko-fi to show your support!

[porgthespacepenguin]

“this is not going to go the way you think”

(this was initially a comment on @trashywestallen’s blog that has now evolved into a full, 6500 word crazy meta. send help)

Or, the Lorca/Burnham meta that just wouldn’t quit and that nobody asked for.

Warning: those are just my ramblings/wild theories based on too much watching of the show, too little sleep, and some literary/cinematographic analysis.

Expect spoilers up to episode 10.

A lot of people on the Star Trek subreddits have been complaining that some of the plot twists so far on DSC have been too obvious (specifically, the Voq/Ash theory and the mirror!Lorca theory). Setting aside the fact that most of the general audience (who do not spend as much time as we do analyzing every word and frame) probably did not see those twists coming, at all…

I have a nagging feeling that there is another plot twist that has been under our nose this whole time.

I think Lorca is mirror!Lorca and was involved (romantically) with mirror!Michael. There, I said it. Worse: it was serious (perhaps she was even his wife, though obviously it would have had to be a  secret).

Either mirror!Michael was helping him secretly against the Terran Empire and was in on the coup, or more tragically, she wasn’t and was actually sent to stop him. She died, or was presumed dead: but the show was careful to mention it wasn’t Lorca who “killed” her, it was one of his followers (seems like an odd distinction to make, no?).

That’s a pretty radical theory, I admit. But bear with me for a while, will you?

Episode 10: the turning point

Three major plot point stand out immediately:

”Amazing isn’t it? Different universe, and somehow the same people had a way to find each other. Strongest argument I’ve ever seen for the existence of destiny.”

Their whole conversation in Lorca’s ready room is fascinating, but I’ll focus on the most relevant parts.

First off, while “finding each other” can apply to multiple people, it’s usually used for two. Lorca is almost certainly talking about the two of them here, not the crew in general.

And then, that bombshell... “destiny”. Defined as, “the hidden power believed to control future events; fate.”

That’s a pretty strong word to use. Essentially, Lorca is suggesting that fate has brought the two of them together, in this universe… and maybe even in another (mirror) universe.

Ever logical, Michael immediately rejects the very idea.

“I’m not sure I believe in the existence of destiny.”

This sort of talk is way too much for Michael to handle right now. She was raised on Vulcan: logic informs her thinking. But what Lorca is trying to tell her has nothing to do with logic. She just doesn’t hear him at all.

The rest of their conversation continues in a similar vein:

“Part of you had to know that wasn’t the end of your story (...) You were destined for something more.”

“Destiny did not get me out of prison, Captain. You did that.”

Two ways of looking at the same thing: one poetic and even romantic; the other factual and rational.  And perhaps they are both right, from their perspective: after all, if Lorca really is mirror!Lorca, who has lost his own Michael, only to find her again in another universe… that would be pretty incredible.

As he often does, Lorca immediately deflects:

“Let’s agree to disagree. For now.”

That “For now” is also important. Is there something that could realistically change her mind in the future, that he knows about and we don’t? Only Lorca knows.

Visually the scene is also very telling. They start off separated by his desk (which Lorca uses to create a barrier between them in many scenes, notably their first meeting) but then at his invitation, they move to the window, where the camera frames them with alternating two-shots (used primarily to establish links between characters) and close-ups (to create intimacy and focus on emotional reactions). There are also a few shots of them from behind, with their reflections in the window as well.

Mirror? Reflection? Did you want fries with your symbolism? (Note that shots of Lorca looking out a window with his reflection appearing also happens at least in episode 3, when Michael and Lorca first meet, and episode 6, after the whole Katrina debacle. They’ve not been subtle with this use of imagery).

- Not a scene but more a general feeling throughout the episode. How many times have we seen Michael touch Lorca previously? I’ll help you: exactly once, and honestly it barely counts (at the end of episode 3, when Michael takes a fortune cookie from his hand). As for Lorca, he never touches her.

Yet in this episode? Michael is all over him, starting from that moment on the bridge where she lays a hand on the small of his back to interrupt him (before that whole Scottish accent thing). That has literally never happened before.

Don’t even get me started on the whole hair and neck stroking she has going on later. In fact, as soon as she steps into her Terran persona she becomes a lot more tactile – only with Lorca, mind.

Now, I don’t know whether this means Michael is attracted to him or not – at least not consciously! – and in fact this might not even be the point.

Rather, those touches serve to establish and anchor a sense of physicality between the two of them, for us the audience. Essentially telling our unconscious minds:

“Look, here are are two very attractive people (that leather jacket, oh my lord) that are touching each other. The line has been crossed. Make of that what you will.”

I predict we will see an influx of new people wondering about the Lorca/Michael dynamic after watching episode 10, wondering if there was indeed something there or if they are imagining things.

- The ending scene! Either this is a very clever juxtaposition, or some super strange editing. Since TPTB have been doing excellent work on filmography so far, I’m hoping it’s the former.

I’m talking about the “love” scene between Tyler and Michael (and I use parenthesis here not because I dislike Ash/Michael -- I don’t -- but because at this point neither he nor Michael know who he is, or what he is, and … he just killed Culber in cold blood so… yay romance?) followed immediately by Lorca in the agonizer booth, screaming in pain.

Now that’s an odd editing choice. Or is it?

Cinematically, a cut like that is a common technique: it’s called cross-cutting, and is often used to show than two actions are happening at the same time.

According to Wikipedia:

“This creates a sharp dichotomy between the two actions, and encourages the viewer to compare the two shots. Often, this contrast is used for strong emotional effect (...).”

If we go back to the theory that mirror!Lorca and mirror!Michael were together, as more than just reluctant allies, and that he has feelings for both versions of her (yes, prime!Michael too after learning to know her)…

Well, Michael and Tyler consummating their relationship brings utter and complete agony to Lorca.

This is all symbolic, of course, but re watching the scene with all this in mind… It’s chilling. Tyler above Michael, the scene telegraphing that they are about to have sex…

Cut to Lorca screaming in the agonizer booth.

At the very least, they are implying some fairly dark things about Michael/Tyler going forward, but I also think it’s significant that Lorca is the one shown in pain here.

An aside: Michael/Tyler, from Ash to ashes

Poor Michael. Poor Tyler. I’ve been sure of the whole “Ash is Voq” thing almost since his introduction (remember the eye wound Michael inflicts on Voq in episode 2? Now check Tyler’s same eye in episode 5. Go on. I’ll wait.) but I thought there might be hope for them somehow, despite the fact that both had killed each other’s mentors (eaten, actually, in Voq’s case…)

Until episode 10.

I won’t dwell too much on the fact that, out of all the possible scenarios for Ash/Voq, we ended up with the worst one for their future: Tyler is Voq, physically and mentally -- not the other way around. The Tyler personality is an overlay, and we don’t know yet how much of that personality is real. But regardless: the body belongs to Voq.

I would have had a lot more hope if Tyler had been physically Tyler, with Voq’s personality implanted somewhere inside. This duality could have allowed a positive resolution for the plot line (driving out Voq’s consciousness, for example) and therefore their relationship.

Moving on.

Tyler/Voq murders Culber in cold blood (or so it seems to the audience), then proceeds to break into Michael’s room (and yes, this is meant to feel slightly creepy, even out of character for Tyler, who has so far respected her boundaries) and seduces her.

Everything is consensual but feels a bit… off. And for good reason.

They are surrounded by enemies, Michael is emotionally shaken from having had to kill a familiar face/friend (and the ironic juxtaposition of their two kills, one a cold-blooded murder, the other an act of self-defense, is just heartbreaking), and Lorca is being horribly tortured a few decks below.

Yikes.

Sex, and death, and pain. Those are not good things to put together when hoping for a happy ending. Symbolically there is no going back from this, I don’t think.

If they had consummated their relationship previously, in a more positive setting, I could still see their romance perhaps going in a positive direction (at least this would have been a good sign, though Culber’s fate might have made that moot as well).

As things stand, it feels like watching the death warrant of their relationship being signed and… ouch.

Poor Michael. Talk about a devastating first love.

Did someone say first love?

Interestingly there is a common trope pair, “First Love” / “Second Love”, that is often combined with “Wrong Guy First”. From TVTropes:

“This is the plot that results when a Love Triangle is used to illustrate the Aesop "Be Careful Who You Give Your Heart To".

Our heroine is a young woman with two suitors. Suitor #1 (...) seems to be everything a young woman would want. But he's not. Suitor #2 appears to be flawed. (...) If he's handsome, he's not as handsome. He could be many years older than our heroine. He often has the kind of personality that makes him hard to get to know.”

There are many literary examples of this trope, from Jane Austen, Tolstoy, or Dickens, all the way to Harry Potter or even the Hunger Games.

But no, wait. That can’t be right. It’s not like there is someone else who has been watching over Michael from the side lines since the beginning.

Right?

Well...

“I did choose you” : Going back to the beginning

After having this “red alert something is happening here” moment while watching episode 10, I went back and re-watched most of Lorca and Michael’s earlier interactions with this theory in mind.

(As a general note, I think Lorca generally avoids lying outright and prefers a more… Obi-wan approach. “What I told you was true, from a certain point of view.”)

Episode 3: First meeting and new beginnings

Their first meeting is almost theatrical in its setting. Michael enters a darkened room, and Lorca has his back to her, facing the window (where, again, his reflection can be seen). He is clad (armored, really) in darkness and mystery.

Lorca initially sounds almost like he is flirting: 

“I like to think it makes me mysterious. No?” 

“Don’t be shy.”

When I watched the episode for the first time, I thought it might be part of his personality (like Kirk) but no. He does not do this with other people. Only Michael.

In fact, I now think he is deflecting. The whole situation is somehow painful or difficult for him, and he uses humor to hide it. Which of course falls utterly flat, because Michael does not really get humor (at least not at this point).

He keeps his back to her for a long time, and even takes a breath before turning around, as though he has to fortify himself before seeing her.

Now that doesn’t make a lot of sense at face value, if Lorca is just a captain and Michael just a mutineer.

But it is a lot more understandable if Lorca is mirror!Lorca and the last time he saw Michael was before she (well, her mirror counterpart) died.

Because of him.

Lorca then comes to stand behind his desk, in a move he will be shown to use often in the future. Make no mistake, this is a highly defensive maneuver.

They talk about Michael’s shuttle being diverted, and no surprise, Michael’s logic bluntly dispels Lorca’s attempts at plausible deniability. (Something, by the way, that happens many times in the series: she rarely lets him get away with misdirection. Though amusingly she has also, so far, never caught up with what he is actually trying to hide.)

To which Lorca says:

“Maybe the universe hates waste.”

Considering their discussion in episode 10, similarly in Lorca’s ready room, this line takes on a lot more meaning. He is referring to destiny here, although obliquely.

Visually, two things happen in succession: Lorca has a little half smile, and then tilts his head and holds her gaze for a long moment. Now what does body language have to say about that?

“In courtship, the head tilt shows a playful and engaged attitude. It shows interest but can also be a tease (especially when combined with a half smile and sideways glance).”

Lorca is definitely flirting with her this time. In fact, his next move supports this idea. He moves around the desk and comes to stand in front of her. He does not completely leave the security of the desk, mind, instead choosing to lean against it (a sign of insecurity) while his shoulders are set back in a classic power pose.

Michael is startled and takes a few steps back, swallowing. I don’t think she is scared of him, not on a conscious level. But on an unconscious level, we have a (presumably) virginal or inexperienced young woman suddenly approached by an older, attractive man who has been flirting with her (though I doubt she consciously noticed). She is shaken.

He either doesn’t notice, or (more likely) pretends not to notice and basically offers her a job. She refuses (not just the job, but the whole Call to Adventure -- more on that later).

He tells her she doesn’t have a choice.

This is a crucial moment. Lorca talks to her harshly, tells her there are no free rides on his ship (ironic, since he is the one that dragged her here!) and that she will be put to work. Almost at once, he moves back behind the safety of his desk, walls firmly back up. He will be the “bad guy” because she needs him to be, but he is not enjoying it.

Make no mistake, Michael needs it. At this point in her story, she has lost hope. She is a ghost of her former self. She was right about the Klingons, but with the guilt of Georgiou’s death, she had taken on the guilt for the whole war as well. She is depressed, withdrawn. She has given up.

What Lorca does is put her back on her feet. He gives her a job, a purpose (however temporary), and even a mystery to chew on (of course he knew she was going to try to break in, and he wanted her to -- that’s why he assigned her to Engineering).

He reminds her of who she was (“You were once a Starfleet officer.”).

Of course, at that moment, she doesn’t see his actions as a gift, but rather a burden, an obligation. If she had the energy for it, she would resent him.

It will take her three episodes to process and express her gratitude for the second chance he has given her (more on that later).

Lorca does all this obliquely, as he does many (most) things. In fact, I believe he does not want Michael to be grateful to him (perhaps out of guilt). Mind you, he is also testing her: Lorca is a pragmatist. And if he is mirror!Lorca, he doesn’t know this version of Michael yet, and what she is capable of.

When Michael leaves with Landry, there is another closeup on Lorca’s face, and he has this very odd expression. Like this has affected him, was hard on him, somehow.

This makes no sense at all if Lorca is prime!Lorca and is simply meeting a mutineer he wants to recruit. But even if our Lorca is indeed mirror!Lorca, why would meeting Michael’s prime counterpart affect him so? Unless there is more to it than meets the eye.

At the end of the episode, we go back to Lorca’s ready room, in a lovely symbolic mirroring/book-ending of their first meeting.

Lorca is looking every inch the Captain, standing firmly behind his desk, arms wide, shoulders straight. Again a classic power pose. He offers her a position aboard Discovery. She initially refuses him again but this time, she doesn’t back down.

I can’t emphasize how different Michael’s behavior is in both encounters.

When they first meet, she is defeated, submissive, withdrawn. When she refuses Lorca’s first offer, it is weakly, and he steamrolls her objections without difficulty. When he steps closer to her, she steps back. She looks down at the floor.

In this scene, however, Michael has regained her confidence. She looks Lorca straight in the eye when she refuses him, and he is on the defensive (or seems to be). She flings his question (“Why would you refuse?”) back at him (“Why do you want me to stay?”) and even stalks toward him.

Of course, Lorca being Lorca, Michael doesn’t quite get to keep the upper hand for too long. She gets derailed into a rant about Lorca developing and testing biological weapons, which then veers into a slightly pompous speech about being a Starfleet officer to the death.

Meanwhile, Lorca is smiling, a fond smile (that almost seems out of place considering he is supposed to have met her a couple of days before). This is what he has been planning all along. His experiment was successful.

His next sentence is very telling:

“I know exactly who you are, Michael Burnham. I know exactly who you are.”

Well, well.

Essentially, he is implying here that either he knows her because… he actually knows her (and that should not be possible); or he knows her because they are the same. They are kindred spirits.

Either way, it’s a fairly odd thing to say to someone you’ve known for a few days!

Still smiling fondly, he stops her from making more of a fool of herself and proceeds to dazzle her with his shiny new technology. He is really pulling all the stops here to impress her, even taking her on a virtual tour of the galaxy.

And then he outright admits it:

“I did choose you (…) but not for the reasons you think.”

This sentence works on so many levels, it’s pretty incredible. Note that she asked him why he wanted her to stay; and he answers that he chose her. Those are not even remotely comparable in terms of emotional involvement.

Then the camera switches to choker shots (tight close-up shots that cut off above the eyes and under the mouth/chin) which are traditionally used to create … romantic tension. Or at the very least emotional tension.

Lorca holds out his hand, with a fortune cookie in it (fortune cookie which she refused in their initial meeting, mirroring!).

(No time to discuss in too many details, but in fortune cookie, there is “fortune”... another reference to fate/destiny.)

She takes the fortune cookie from his hand. This time, she accepts his offer, and symbolically, the Call to Adventure.

An aside: Michael’s hero journey

I have mentioned the Call to Adventure a couple of times now, and I realize it might be helpful to take a brief detour into the Hero’s Journey before we continue.

The Hero’s Journey, or monomyth, is a template of narrative analysis that is widely used in storytelling. It is not absolute, or perfect (it has received its fair share of criticism) but so many stories follow these patterns that they have become embedded in our collective unconscious. As such, they can be helpful in understanding the symbolic underpinnings of a story.

The Hero’s Journey (according to Campbell, who first wrote about it in 1949) is broadly composed of 3 acts (Departure, Initiation, Return), further divided in 17 stages.

For the purpose of this meta (and considering DSC is only in its first season!), I will focus mostly on the first stage, Departure.

(Note that not all stages need to be used in a story, nor do they need to happen in a linear fashion. They may also happen multiple times, in multiple forms.)

The call to adventure

The refusal of the call

Supernatural aid/meeting the mentor

Crossing the first threshold

The belly of the whale

Acceptance of the call

When we meet Michael again in episode 3 (which narratively is the beginning of the story, with episodes 1 and 2 serving as a prologue), she is a broken woman. So heavily laden with guilt, in fact, that she has essentially given up and turned her back on everything she is and believes in.

When Lorca offers her a (temporary) job on Discovery, she turns him down. On paper, this looks like a textbook refusal of the call, and it is. But looking deeper, even before she comes aboard Discovery, Michael has already refused it, and in fact, has been refusing it for a while.

"Refusal of the summons converts the adventure into its negative. Walled in boredom, hard work, or 'culture,' the subject loses the power of significant affirmative action and becomes a victim to be saved. [Her] flowering world becomes a wasteland of dry stones and [her] life feels meaningless. (...) All [she] can do is (...) await the gradual approach of [her] disintegration." (Campbell)

From the moment Captain Georgiou dies, Michael shuts down. She refuses all attempts to move forward, essentially locking herself away and throwing away the key. She has given up on herself. This is Michael’s true refusal of the call.

“The mentor gives the hero the supplies, knowledge, and confidence required to overcome his or her fear and face the adventure.” (Christopher Vogler)

Lorca then plucks her from her prison, as if by magic, and sets her to work on his ship. This is the supernatural aid/meeting the mentor stage.

"With the personifications of [her] destiny to guide and aid [her], the hero goes forward in [her] adventure until [she] comes to the 'threshold guardian' at the entrance to the zone of magnified power.” (Campbell)

Lorca then sends Michael to the Glenn, along with Stamets, Tilly and Landry. This plot point represents both the Crossing of the First Threshold and the Belly of the Whale stages, combined.

At Lorca’s orders, and despite herself, Michael has to leave the safety of Discovery for the danger of the Glenn. This is her first mission since her mutiny, and since she turned down the call. She is forced to cross the threshold of the boundaries, the walls she has drawn around herself.

“It is a turning point in the Hero’s Journey where the hero is swallowed by a larger monster or representative of evil and comes out with a new sense of self. The hero is consumed but emerges alive. (...) and [comes] to terms with death.” (Gordon Napier)

“That is why the approaches and entrances to temples are flanked and defended by colossal gargoyles: dragons, lions, devil-slayers with drawn swords, resentful dwarfs, winged bulls. The devotee at the moment of entry into a temple undergoes a metamorphosis.” (Campbell)

On the Glenn, everything is dark and scary. There are dead bodies, horribly disfigured. There is a monster roaming. Michael barely escapes with her life, after crawling through tunnels with the tardigrade in pursuit, before jumping into the shuttle at the last possible moment (quite heroically I might add). This stage is the metaphorical Belly of the Whale.

Incidentally, an important theme throughout the episode, and especially the tardigrade pursuit, is “Alice in Wonderland”: a vivid tale where physical metamorphosis, the search for identity and the hero’s journey all play a prominent role.

After Michael faces her trials successfully, she starts to remembers who she is: a Starfleet officer. She has begun to process her grief and can now start her hero’s journey anew (a journey of healing and growth).

Later, when Lorca offers her a permanent position on Discovery, Michael accepts both his second offer and the symbolic call to adventure (after a fair bit of convincing).

And she does it on her own terms, too: if Lorca had been working on a biological weapon, she would have refused him, but not for the same reasons she had turned him down initially. Not out of fear and self-doubt, but with a renewed respect for herself and her beliefs.

She has started to remember that she is a hero.

There are many other aspects of the Hero’s journey when it comes to Michael in Star Trek Discovery, but this goes beyond the scope of this already huge meta.

Episode 5: Keeping secrets

Episode 5 doesn’t technically have any direct interactions between Michael and Lorca. There is, however, a fairly significant scene between him and Katrina Cornwell, on the matter of our favorite mutineer.

Halfway through their fight, the admiral asks Lorca an enormously important question:

“(...) Why give everyone another reason to judge you?”

Of course, Lorca immediately deflects with another question of his own, putting Katrina on the defensive. And he never actually answers the question, which means that whatever it is, it’s important.

Episode 6: Shadows and mirrors

After Michael senses Sarek’s pain and collapses, Lorca is right there at her bedside when she awakens. Does he usually do this for his crew? Somehow I doubt it.

Then Michael asks him to mount a rescue for Sarek and… Lorca does it. No questions asked.

He defies a direct order from Starfleet, which later on brings down Cornwell’s inquisition on him (by the way, she’s a psychiatrist who thinks nothing of sleeping with someone she considers psychologically unstable? Hmm.). He ends up in real danger of losing his ship. All this because Michael said please.

Then there is of course the infamous conversation between Lorca and Tyler in the shuttle:

“Bring her back in one piece.”

“Not a scratch.”

“I’m talking about her. Or don’t come back at all.”

First off, wow. Lorca is definitely overreacting here. This is not normal Captain behavior. In fact, Tyler’s reaction (thinking Lorca meant the shuttle) is much more logical than what Lorca actually means (“Anything happens to Michael, you’re a dead man”).

Whether he means it 100% is up for debate, but the message is crystal clear: this is a threat.

Bring her back to me or else.

Note that at no point in this conversation does Lorca feel the need to refer to Michael by name, simply using “her” as though it was obvious who and what he means. And to him, it is. But to poor Tyler, or even to the audience, this serves to point out the stark disconnect between normal concern over a mission vs. abnormal worry over a particular individual.

Before leaving, Lorca claps Tyler on the arm and this feels like a dominant gesture, a way to establish a hierarchy that has nothing to do with Starfleet’s. Especially after their friendly chat/threat.

Upon first watching the episode, this scene seriously made me raise an eyebrow because he sounds way too protective/possessive for a captain just caring about a crew member (and not Tilly or Tyler, who are also going on the mission, remember?).

At the end of the episode, Michael thanks Lorca, pointing out that he didn’t have to save Sarek. Lorca answers, truthfully:

“I didn’t do for him.”

He then adds that he needs his team at peak form but those are just empty words. At no point in the series does he ever choose an individual crew member’s needs over the ship/the mission. In fact, being the pragmatist that he is, he does not hesitate to put them in danger if the mission requires it (see Stamets -- though I honestly don’t believe Lorca knew or could have foreseen what would happen to him when they made that last jump).

Except when it comes to Michael.

Finally, we are offered a  shining example of the rule of threes (commonly found in fairy tales, but not only). From TVTropes:

“The Rule of Three is a pattern used in stories and jokes, where part of the story is told three times, with minor variations. The first two instances build tension, and the third releases it by incorporating a twist.”

Lorca makes her a third and final job offer: a place not only on Discovery, but on the bridge, as science officer. By his side.

In a reversal of the previous offers, Michael accepts at once, without an ounce of hesitation. She does not need any convincing.

She also says something quite meaningful, in light of her initial reactions to his first two offers:

“I am grateful… to serve under a captain like you.”

Characteristically, Lorca seems to refuse her gratitude. He looks startled, says nothing, just offers a small smile then walks away.

At this point in their story, we don’t know if this is out of guilt (atonement), his personality or even a narrative continuation of the “Wrong Guy First” trope, where the sidelined suitor is still trying to ensure the heroine’s happiness. Perhaps a mix of all three.

Episode 9: On the bridge we fight

Pahvo is in danger. Discovery, by association, is in danger. The Federation is in even more danger than usual because of the Klingon’s stealth technology.

Lorca decides to send a team to place beacons on the Klingon ship. He picks Tyler, and Tyler picks Michael, as she is the most qualified for the job.

And Lorca just goes, “No way, Michael’s not going, it’s too dangerous”. Too dangerous for her, but not for the other crew members sent on the boarding party, mind you. Including Tyler who is standing right here.

As is quickly becoming her habit, Michael just insists and proceeds to bludgeon Lorca with her logic while the rest of the crew (and the audience) tries to understand what is going on.

Lorca looks supremely uncomfortable. His whole posture is one of avoidance. He sits down onto his chair and seems to just shrink on himself, turning away from Michael in clear dismissal. He avoids her gaze, snaps at her and even resorts to orders (something he hasn’t done since their first meeting).

“Sir, you offered me a place on this ship.”

“And now I’m ordering you to stay!”

Meanwhile, everyone else on the bridge is just watching them in disbelief, and with no small amount of discomfort. They do not understand what they are witnessing -- a battle of wills.

Until finally Michael, reaching the logical conclusion of Lorca’s odd behavior, stumbles onto the truth:

“There is no logic to your thinking. Unless this is about me.”

At that Lorca finally has to look at her, but he doesn’t say anything because there is nothing to say. She is right on both counts: he is not being logical at all, and this is about her.

Amusingly, Michael still manages to miss the point completely, misreading Lorca’s agitation and protectiveness by viewing herself as a resource (to be hoarded) rather than a person (to be protected).

I honestly felt bad for Lorca in this scene. If Michael were even a tiny better at understanding feelings, in herself or in others, she would probably realize that his behavior is not normal. But she is oblivious, for which Lorca is probably very thankful.

After that, well, she has basically put him on the spot, and in front of the whole bridge to boot. He glances at Saru, then back at Michael. He has lost and can only concede. He has no more arguments beyond, “I am afraid to lose you” and that is not something he can say.

(Mind you, if this scene had been between the two of them in private, without the whole bridge watching, he would never have allowed her to go. Logic be damned.)

So Lorca finally relents, but you can tell it’s against his will. Like pulling teeth.

He even orders her to come back safely (but not Tyler, who is also going on that super duper dangerous mission and is standing right here!) Then we have another shot of his face, looking pretty damn unhappy. Wretched, even.

Possessing the emotional intelligence of a brick (and I say that as someone who loves the character), Michael thanks him and looks satisfied. For her the matter is resolved.

She totally doesn’t realize that:

She, a convicted mutineer, has just pitted her will against her captain’s and won.

She should be in the brig or confined to quarters right now, not going on the mission.

Lorca only gave in because whatever secret he is trying to protect is more important to him than his pride.

One wonders what Saru and the bridge crew made of that little scene.

Lastly, note the contrast between their confrontation in this episode, and episode 6 where Michael risks her life to go save Sarek.  

Of course, going on a rescue mission inside a nebula is probably less dangerous than infiltrating the Klingon Ship of the Dead, but it still carries a vast amount of risk (as evidenced by Stamets’ flippant “Are you really that crazy?”).

If Lorca only saw Michael as a tool he cannot afford to lose, for whatever purpose, he would never have allowed her to risk her own life going after Sarek.

He even had a perfect excuse: Starfleet explicitly forbade it. There was no reason for him to take such a tactical risk (which nearly cost him the Discovery and later brought down the wrath of Starfleet over his head), unless he knew this was important to Michael. And therefore, important to him as well.

So. What is Lorca’s deal?

Only Lorca knows, really. But we can try to explain his behavior in three basic ways:

Our Lorca is prime!Lorca and just cares about Michael because he likes her. That option definitely doesn’t explain everything, and seems to be disproved by episodes 9/10 (he did override the ship to jump somewhere, and he definitely didn’t want Saru to look into the logs. Mirror!Lorca seems also conveniently absent from the MU).

At this point, it seems relatively safe to assume our Lorca is mirror!Lorca. Which leaves two options:

Lorca wants to use prime!Michael for something, perhaps related to overthrowing the Emperor. He sees her as a tool, perhaps a valuable crew member. Now that theory explains many things, but not all, especially how Lorca just seems to care so damn much (and in that scenario, allowing Michael to risk her life to save Sarek just makes no sense, as stated above).

We go back to our starting theory. Lorca cared about mirror!Michael, in whatever capacity. She died (because of him, even if indirectly) and he feels grief/remorse because of it. He might also have started to care for prime!Michael in her own right. And he doesn’t want to lose her again. He just can’t bear it.

(Note that in this last theory, Lorca might ALSO need Michael for something related to overthrowing the Emperor. Lorca is a pragmatist, and if they were both working together originally, he might be hoping she will help him again.)

What does this mean for the future?

Short answer: it’s too early to tell.

Long answer?

Right now, if I am right and there is something between Lorca and Michael, I am inclined to think it’s one-sided. She respects him and might be attracted to him, unconsciously, but her attention is on Tyler. Lorca is not even trying to position himself as a contender, either.

Unfortunately, Tyler/Michael is likely going to go down in flames, and it’s going to hurt. All aboard the pain train, direction tragedy.

Michael is going to regress emotionally for a while. Losing a first love is hard, losing it to betrayal is awful. She is going to have to grow as a person to get past this.

I think at some point in their stay in the MU, someone (an enemy perhaps) will reveal that mirror!Michael was Lorca’s wife, or at least someone important to him. And that bombshell is going to alter Michael’s perception of Lorca (honestly she would need a bomb dropped on her head for her to catch a hint at this point).

Michael is most definitely not going to know what to do with that information. Expect a heroic BSOD, followed by her trying to understand things logically (and Lorca is not gonna be down with that, at all).

Lorca will not take it well either. He is an intensely private man, and I don’t think he had ever intended to tell Michael anything. He is likely going to close himself off as well (Tyler’s betrayal probably won’t help).

I don’t think Lorca will die in S1. Narratively, he is one of main characters (with Michael and Voq), and incidentally a fan favourite. We’ve already lost Culber (hopefully temporarily), and Ash is likely going to turn back into Voq. Stamets is still out of commission. Frankly, if Lorca dies there are not that many characters left!

Not to mention that neither Saru nor Michael are anywhere near ready to be captain yet.

Whoever she is in the mirror universe, Admiral Cornwell is not a friend to Lorca (unlike in the prime universe where they were likely friends with benefits).

We will stay a few more episodes in the Mirror Universe, though probably not until the end of the season.

[queencitydispatch]

"Please can we not make her mayor?"

I woke up today to this fascinating question regarding Cllr. Ana Bailão’s votes to uphold systemic oppression within the Toronto Police. “Please can we not make her mayor?”

It was a deceptively complex question that got me thinking of some of the fundamentals of activism, social change and politics, that I wanted to unpack this question bit by bit.

I’ve cut it into five sections: PLEASE, CAN, WE, NOT MAKE HER, MAYOR.

///

1. PLEASE

I assume this softens the meaning of the phrase - “I want her out of politics” is pretty harsh – especially in the context of a man publicly critiquing a woman. Yet it shows us something important – we are implying we need permission to participate in politics.

Why are we asking for permission? And to whom is this appeal directed? Last time I checked, I don’t need permission to do most things in life, including participating in the political process. Our US-based friends did not ask for permission when they recently revolted against their governments; they did it even though they faced police brutality, neo-Nazi paramilitaries, psychological warfare, a global pandemic and more.

The “please” comes out of the respectability politics that makes “Ontario” as a political entity so curious. “Please don’t gut our healthcare!” is not coming from a position of strength. (Anyway, it’s much easier for progressives to walk back overzealousness in the name of justice than it is for people to walk back bigotry.)

To best challenge power, we must never apologize for having ambitious convictions. We need to champion big ideas, even if they’re ahead of the curve. Two months ago, police reform would have been considered impossible in America. And they were right, it was impossible...under the existing model. So they changed the model.

Change – especially lasting change – comes from the grassroots, so while it’s not a bad thing to support progressive political candidates, parties and organizations, it is *significantly* more important to support issues-based activists and organizations (i.e. if you give $10 monthly to the NDP, why not also give $10 to your favourite advocacy group?). Issues-based groups are formed to challenge one specific cog of power at a time and can therefore deliver deep, fundamental and long-lasting impacts. (Plus…this is a great way for potential candidates to gain some experience; get those ppl knocking on doors now and they’ll do much better in 2022.)

2. CAN

If we are asking “do we, as a community, have the capacity to elect someone better?” The answer to this is yes, but if we’re instead asking “will someone within the existing structure please FINALLY get off their ass and challenge her?” then we might ask ourselves why this hasn’t already happened. The civic left has largely allowed Cllr. Bailão (and, to a lesser extent, Mayor Wonderbread, who is merely a pathetic, respectable version of Rob Ford) to go unchallenged because she’s been deemed impossible to beat, but by not challenging her, the civic left has allowed her career to continue essentially unfettered because they don’t want to spend resources on a race they’re unlikely to win. If only there were some other downtown districts where a new, young generation of activists can start to build their careers…except the seats available are full with straight white boy progressives.

Why does the civic left protect Gord Perks, Joe Cressy and Mike Layton? Like…honestly…I just don't see what the big deal about Joe Cressy is. He bumped Ausma Malik out of the 2018 election instead of doing the right thing and making way for a supremely talented racialized woman like I'd hope someone committed to true justice would. There is even a movement in the democratic party to ask white men to not run in safe seats. [This paragraph and the next have been edited for tone, thank you to Colin Burns for encouraging me to rethink my words and my misdirected anger, my frustration naturally lies with Cllr. Bailāo's behaviour.]

Gord Perks verged into alt-left territory last year as a free-speech absolutist and consequently an apologist for bigotry when he should have defended trans folk. He even shared his disappointing thoughts publicly (yup, he did, they’re still up, don’t @ me on this one, you’ll regret it: http://gordperks.ca/toronto-public-library-chief-librarians-decision/) so considering who he seems to be, we can do better after 14 years? (TL;DR – there’s need for renewal in a lot of parts of our movements, and the labour movement is no exception.)

Mike Layton is a lovely man with his heart in the right place. I’ve volunteered for him and would gladly do it again. It therefore pains me to recognize that his last name is more than a name. I’m happy for everything he (and his team) has contributed in a rapidly changing district. My concern is that lefties can’t afford to support dynasties in the same way that liberals and conservatives can, especially in downtown districts where our odds of winning are good and where we ought to be supporting talented Black, Trans, Indigenous, disAbled and economically-disadvantaged candidates that are already on the front lines of social change. (This list is illustrative, not exhaustive.) By the time of the next election, Mike Layton will have been there for 12 years. Perhaps it’s time for him to open an opportunity for others.

3. WE

Who is “we”? Is it people in this district? Is it people in Toronto? Is it progressives? Whoever can identify this “we” and mobilize them will have the best shot of defeating her. This is the “coalition” people describe as needed to win election. Of course, this includes whoever’s running for office and their team. That organizing work needs to start right now if there’s going to be any chance of a lefty winning this seat in 2022. (If you think she isn’t already considering her council seat successor, remember that her old boss was Mario Silva, who was *coincidentally* Davenport’s City Councillor and MP for a combined 16 years.)

4. NOT MAKE HER

This is maybe the biggest hurdle to get over since “NOT ANA BAILAO” is not an option on the ballot. Considering there are no formal (lol) parties or slates on council, her name recognition is her biggest electoral asset, so a keep-it-safe campaign won’t work. Plus her public image is fairly non-toxic, so as pissed off as we all are, most people won’t be swayed by a STOP BAILAO campaign from the left (the trope of the conservative woman can be very powerful – thanks Maggie – so expect her campaign to lean pretty typically right).

When we say “Cllr. Bailão should not be Mayor” we rob ourselves of the ability to say “I think this person would make a great mayor” or “these are the some of the values I want in a mayor.” – and I don’t mean just of the City Council types. (At this point, Josh Marlow is the other councilor to watch.)

I hate hearing “why can’t we have AOC or Jacinta Arden or Anne Hidalgo or Ilhan Omar?” They didn’t come out of thin air. We already have those people here, we just haven’t elevated them to where they can make a difference and this is why. (Also, lefties, let’s seriously push for term limits and ranked ballots…especially the term limits, most ppl out there love the idea, it costs zero dollars and ensures districts have a healthy amount of turnover.)

5. MAYOR

Toronto City Council is a “weak mayor” system. The Mayor need council approval for pretty much everything important. The Mayor will find success or failure on how well he can build a team of reliable allies on council. It’s something thing Mayor Wonderbread does too well: his allies don’t offer a lot of different views. A hypothetical Mayor Bailão would probably do similar.

So then how rigid should a politician be? Are they supposed to be trustees, where we trust them to do what’s best for us and we have a check-in every 4 years? Or are they supposed to be conduits of public opinion with little regard for context? Or is a councillor meant to reflect the demographics of their district, even though they can only truly embody one set of lived experiences as an individual? Or perhaps, in the case of Cllr. Bailão, someone not dedicated to steering the ship but merely running the engine, not caring where it sails even though we've seen icebergs on the horizon? We’ve grown up in a SimCity generation where we think the mayor can make whatever they want happen. As great as that might sound sometimes, in a democracy, accountability matters. But it must come with a recognition that SimCity mayors don't fear the wrath of the voters.

///

I want to recognize that a 10% reallocation is fucking pathetic and still Toronto council couldn’t do it…but at least we know where we stand, and with whom.

We often look at politics as a sport or a soap opera, and it feels great when your team scores points or your favourite character delivers a knockout performance. Even I was like “dang girl” when Nancy Pelosi defiantly ripped up the President’s speech. I was also touched by Jagmeet Singh’s touching display of emotion the day after he was ejected from the House of Commons for calling out bigotry. But that’s not politics, that’s a long running TV drama series, so as disappointed as I am in what happened, I’m not gonna yell at her in the street because White Man Raging is not a great look these days…or ever.

So let’s not make this about my neighbour, Cllr. Ana Bailão. Let’s make it about the system of oppression she has willingly chosen to uphold and tearing that motherfucker down piece by piece.

[distant-rose-archive-blog]

LOVED your fic recs! You mentioned that you had runner-ups, what are they? I'm curious because we have similar fic tastes and I've read most on your list.

Thanks mate! I’m glad you appreciated that and yes, I was originally going to post 15 fics, but I cut it down to 10 because I’m a lazy bastard. The following are honorable mentions to my treasure trove (or part two, view it anyway you want.)

Make a Wish by AcrobatElle

Rated: E

Noted Features: Wish Realm!AU, Canon Divergence (Season 6), Wish Realm Fix It, Older!Killian, Porn with Feelings

Author’s Description: Stuck in the Enchanted Forest after her wish was granted, Emma seeks out Killian. She doesn’t expect what she finds. 

Rose’s Review: If I were a bigger cunt than I already am, I would just download this fic and sent it to A&E and be like “See this? This is what you should have done you bloody fucking wankers instead of going for the laugh!” (I’m not bitter I promise.) This isn’t just amazingly crafted Captain Swan smut, it’s amazingly crafted Captain Swan smut that rips out your heart and makes you weep for Wish!Hook because he’s just so unhappy but so gracious and in love with Emma (all Killians are in love with all Emma’s, let’s just face it). He really could have been bitter but he’s just so accepting and encouraging of Emma and his main verse self that it makes you want to curl in a corner with a bottle of rosé and weep to “White Flag” by Dido. It doesn’t make you cry because it’s angsty, it makes you cry because they just fucking love each other so much and Wish!Hook kinda gets the raw deal because he has no Emma of his own. He arguably doesn’t really exist but you still feel bad because despite the fact he was unhappy that doesn’t mean he didn’t have a good heart. Ugh. Just read it and have feels. 

Put me in coach, I’m ready to play by killians-dimples

Rated: T

Noted Features: Modern!AU, PR!Emma, Athlete!Killian, Baseball & Killian

Author’s Description: PR Director Emma Swan moves to Pittsburgh intent on restarting her life. But playboy shortstop Killian Jones is making her job a hell of a lot harder with his antics.

Rose’s Review: Guys, baseball and Killian is my absolute weakness. I’m completely gaga for baseball player Killian. I honestly got a lot of Bull Durham and For the Love of the Game vibes from this (I don’t know if the author watches Kevin Costner baseball movies, but I sure as hell do because those are the only good Kevin Costner movies there are) with a twist of Trouble With the Curve (I love baseball movies, shut up!). This is unfinished and I seriously want to see where BK goes with it because I love it so and the tension between Killian and Emma is just getting started. As for usual, Killian is a hot mess with a heart of gold and Emma is the hard ass who is working to put him in line. There’s only a few chapters to this (and a super awesome smutty one-shot here: [LINK]) but I do love the tenderness displayed between them when they’re just hanging out and watching the Home Shopping Network. BK does an actually incredible job of giving Killian an air of loneliness without bluntly saying he’s a lonely guy during a scene where he’s having a conversation with a telemarketer he’s on friendly terms with. Before you even read Emma’s thoughts on the subject, it really just strikes you that this version of Killian has no meaningful relationships outside of David and Robin. I really hope she revisits it but it’s only five chapters in and I fucking love it.

Walking in a Straight Line by msgenevieve

Rated: M

Noted Features: Modern!AU, Drunk Kiss, UST, Slow Burn-ish (because they’re idiots), Roommates!Captain Swan, Lawyer!Killian

Author’s Description: It’s one of the oldest stories in the book. Two old friends have a few too many drinks, two old friends share a kiss. Happens all the time, right? But what happens when only one of them actually remembers it?

Rose’s Review: Technically this isn’t finished but where the author left off makes for a decent enough ending. This fic really pulls at you with the sexual tension and angst between Killian and Emma to the point where when they finally happened, I literally cheered in my seat and basically made a scene on the bus I was on. They’re so frustrating in this story and the rest of the cast (especially Mary Margaret and David) are notably agitated by it as well, which makes the ending result very satisfying. I am actually amazed that David and MM were friends with them for so long and just didn’t lock them in a room one day so they would finally just break all the damn tension. Walsh is positively wicked in this fic, knows all of Emma’s weaknesses and plays on them so well that you can’t help but flinch when he all but metaphorically stabs her and twists the knife. Killian is almost as much as an emotional mess as Emma is and the weight of his emotions is crushing, but not to the point where you start to hate Emma (which has happened to me with some fics.) All and all, the ending is worth the amount of emotional torture this fic puts you through.

Stardust in Your Skin by midwestwind

Rated: T

Noted Features: Soulmates!AU, One Shot

Author’s Description: Emma Swan may believe in magic and curses and fairy tales but she absolutely does not believe in soulmates.

Rose’s Review: I don’t usually read Soulmates!AU, but honestly this barely constitutes as an AU and the soulmates aspect is subtle, which is why I love it so much. The soulmates aspect is not overly played and I would argue meshes well with the whole OUAT True Love mythos. I love the constellation element to the soul marks and the added element of different constellations from different realms. Emma’s reluctance to buy into the soulmates thing is so characteristically her, and her mixed emotions of curiosity, anxiety and reluctance towards Killian’s soul stars is very palpable without being entirely in your face. The tenderness and vulnerability displayed in the final scene between Emma and Killian when she reveals her soul stars is so powerful and well written that it gave this one-shot a real place in my heart and a place among my favorite fics.

The Worst by alchemystique

Rated: T

Noted Features: Henry Centric, One Shot, Future!Fic, College!Henry, StepDad!Killian

Author’s Description: His life is so weird, weird weird weird, he used to think it was so cool but who the hell would believe him if he told them David Nolan was his grandfather - oh and also Prince Charming, no, seriously, like, the actual, real life husband of Snow White - and his mom is around here somewhere, probably figuring out the amount of time it takes to break in and sneak past security, or cataloging every emergency exit on campus. Weird.

Rose’s Review: I love everything about this one-shot here. It makes me laugh every time I read it because though it’s a much older Henry which we haven’t seen yet, the voice the author has chosen feels very organic and realistic. His exasperation with everyone, especially with Killian and David, is hilarious. Though Captain Swan is not the real focus here, I really love the depiction of Emma and Killian in this. They seem so comfortable with their relationship and I really love the lack of jealousy on Emma’s end towards all the co-eds and college moms ogling Killian. The ease and comfortability is just so refreshing because it’s Captain Swan and there’s always drama, and the lack of serious drama is a breath of fresh air. The banter is just so natural and loving and Henry’s lack of surprise/what-took-you-so-long-Killian reaction to their engagement is incredibly amusing. The best line: “Oh my god, my mom and Killian are literally True Loves, you actually can’t get any closer to it than those two unless you’re, like, Snow White and Prince Charming, and my mom could kill you with a toothpick for even having dirty thoughts about him”

The Dark Horizon by qqueenofhades

Rated: M

Noted Features: Black Sails!AU, Black Sails/OUAT Crossover, Pirate!Emma, Lieutenant!Killian, Pregnancy, Angst, Jones Family Dysfunction

Author’s Description: The Caribbean, 1715: Royal Navy Lieutenant Killian Jones and his brother, Captain Liam Jones, have just arrived to help pacify the notorious “pirates’ republic” of New Providence. But they have dangerous allies, deadly enemies, and no idea what they’re getting into when they agree to hunt the pirate ship Blackbird and the mysterious Captain Swan.

Rose’s Review: I’m going to admit it, it took me awhile to get into this fic and that’s mainly because I’m a terribly shallow bitch and for some reason huge paragraphs bug me (this is such a minor thing and something that is definitely easy to get over), but regardless I pushed through my bitchiness and actual read it because I love both OUAT and Black Sails, and goddamn. It’s very good fusion of the two worlds and it was fascinating to see a Captain Swan variation where Emma is more of the “moral corruptor” than Killian is and I do love the twist on that. I have to say the character I loved the most is Black Sam, who is just the unsung hero and moral support for everyone in this story. I was like “goddamn, I need this guy on the legit Black Sails show.” I’m more a Vane fan and he isn’t featured as much as Flint and Miranda are, but I could live with that. You really don’t need to watch Black Sails or have that much knowledge of it to fully enjoy this fic, which you definitely will because it’s so action packed. This fic is unfinished and I eagerly await to see what the author does with it.

[spiteweaver]

Interview #2: Dreamweaver

[ From the private files of Delucius Shadowheart ]

They can tell I’m nervous, and them knowing I’m nervous only makes me even more nervous. Sweat beads on my brow. I clear my throat and shuffle my parchment into place (an action that is commonly used to set the scene). The atmosphere is heavy. Describing they and their husband as “night and day” strikes me as, perhaps, the most apt description of a pair of mates I have ever penned.

I look up.

Dreamweaver smiles.

“I don’t always approve of your snooping, Delucius,” they say, “but I wouldn’t have agreed to this interview if I wasn’t prepared to answer uncomfortable questions.”

It’s not asking the questions I’m worried about, I think.

“Or perhaps you’re afraid I’m using this interview as an excuse to get you alone and ‘bully’ you some more,” they add. I force a smile. It is the single most pitiful smile I have ever forced. “I must admit, you’re awfully fun to tease, dear. You give the best reactions.”

“That’s--”

“You get so indignant!” They chuckle behind a politely raised hand, then drop another sugar cube into their tea. “I’m only so hard on you for the good of the clan, though. I promise, I’ll behave myself today. If you don’t give me a reason to put the fear in you, I shan’t have to put the fear in you.”

“You’ve already put the fear in me,” I grumble.

“Good! Let’s begin then, shall we?”

“You’re way too giddy about scaring the hell out of me.”

“I’m someone who believes very strongly in justice,” they say. “All actions have consequences. The consequences may be more or less severe depending on circumstance.”

They then fix me with a stern look. I feel my innards drop into my feet.

“You, Delucius,” they begin again, “are in full control of your actions. You know that what you are doing is a gross breach of individual privacy, and you continue to do it, anyway. That’s why, for you, the consequences are so much more severe.”

“As opposed to, say, Seaglass.”

Dreamweaver frowns. “Yes,” they say, “as opposed to Seaglass.”

“I don’t suppose you’d object to me asking about him?”

“I would not,” they say, “but it’s certainly not a topic I enjoy discussing. It’s been months. I would like to lay it to rest.”

“There are still those who would call what he did worthy of punishment,” I say, “regardless of circumstance. He destroyed half the village and nearly drowned one of its founders.”

“The drowning bit was as much my fault as his,” Dreamweaver insists. “I opted to stay with him, to try and quell the anger in his heart. I knew going in that I would very likely fail, weak as I was at the time, but there was a chance I may not, and I felt I had to take it. If it could save even a small part of what we’ve built here, it would be worth it.”

“Your life for some buildings?”

“My life for the continued livelihoods of my people,” they clarified. “If he had succeeded in destroying our village entirely, we would have had to rebuild from the ground up. Those who survived the flood may not have survived the winter. Their businesses, their farmlands, their homes; we would have lost everything. Feldspar can live without me. It cannot live without this village.”

“The fact remains that he did cause significant damage,” I persist, “and he could have caused much more.”

“But he didn’t.”

“But he could--”

“But he didn’t.” Dreamweaver stirs their tea. I can’t tell if they’re agitated or contemplative. “I don’t punish people for what could have happened,” they say, “I punish them for what did happen.”

“He wasn’t punished at all,” I reply.

“He is punishing himself,” they say. “He will always remember that day, and it will always be his darkest. He lost his mentor, his lover, and he caused the village a fair amount of strife. We have forgiven him, but he will never forgive himself.”

“Guilt isn’t a very satisfying punishment,” I say.

“You can say that,” they reply, “because you have never experienced guilt.”

Ouch.

They’re right, but it still stings. They have a way of speaking that drives harsh words like nails through a drake’s heart.

“Anyway,” they continue, “it was an accident. It’s unfortunate, but magical mishaps do happen when you live in a world as unstable as ours. If he had flooded the village intentionally, I would have punished him severely, perhaps even killed him in my rage--but that simply isn’t what happened.”

“What if someone were to accidentally kill your husband or son?” I ask.

“I can’t say what I would do then,” Dreamweaver replies. “If someone harms me, I can forgive them. If someone harms my people and those close to me, well, I find it much more difficult to look past their transgressions. I like to think I’d keep a level head and act accordingly, but death and flooding the village are two very different matters.”

“I suppose so,” I say. “I was just wondering how you might react to an extreme magical mishap, like, for example--”

“You’re going to ask about Clan Aphaster, aren’t you?” They sigh and pour themselves another cup of tea. “I knew you would,” they say. “Clan Aphaster didn’t handle the exodus optimally, and, again, I’d like to think I’d keep a level head--but there are times, even in recent history, where I have panicked and very nearly made terrible mistakes. That’s the price I’ve paid for living among dragonkind.”

Now this is interesting. As far as I’m aware, Dreamweaver has never spoken much to the nature of their being. We know what they are, shape-shifter, dreamwalker, but the finer details of being Other, as they term it, have always been murky.

I’ll have to come back to Clan Aphaster. I can’t pass this opportunity up.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

They chuckle again. “I shouldn’t have said that,” they say. “Now you’re going to ask me all sorts of questions I simply cannot answer.”

“Surely you can answer some.”

“This one isn’t too bad,” they concede. “Before meeting Banrai, I wouldn’t say I was particularly well-settled here in Sornieth. I had been under the Lightweaver’s banner for a good long while, but dragons and all of their subtleties continued to baffle me. Emotions were not something I naturally possessed--at least, not in the way dragons possess them.”

“Really?” I ask. “Why is that?”

“That I cannot say,” they reply, “or, rather, will not.”

“Well, how did you come to possess more, er, draconic emotions, then?”

“The nature of my magic is to be ever-changing,” they explain. “I adapt. I shift. I am molded by my surroundings as much as I am by my own imagination. Once I became more involved in draconic culture, it only followed that I become more draconic in nature.”

“Is Holloway the same?” I ask.

“Oh, no,” they reply, “Holloway is a demon.”

“But he’s a shape-shifter.”

“His shape-shifting stems from a different place.” They tap their chin in thought. “If I had to say, I would guess that Faded and I share a similar makeup. We are beings made of nebulous things--dreams, concepts, ideas. That is where our nebulous forms stem from. Holloway is not nebulous, he is firmly rooted in the physical.”

“This is...” I stare hard at the information I have gathered. It is a veritable treasure trove. “Honestly, this is fascinating. I never expected to get this much out of you.”

“Mmm, well, these aren’t exactly secrets,” they reply. “I just rarely have need to discuss them. If others wish to know more about my nature as a being of dreams, I’m happy to elaborate. It’s my past I prefer to keep to myself.”

“So you won’t take any questions regarding it?”

“I’m afraid not,” they say. “Anything pre-Banrai is off-limits. You can ask, but I won’t answer.”

“Back onto the topic of emotions then.” I pick up my quill again. I’m sure they can sense my eagerness, but I’m too deep now to bother hiding it. “Banrai mentioned during his interview that he ‘helps you sympathize.’ I didn’t ask for elaboration at the time, as I didn’t think he meant it quite so literally, but--”

“But now that you know about my funny relationship with emotions,” Dreamweaver cuts in, “you have to ask.”

“Yeah.”

“Experiencing emotions in the way dragons do is still difficult for me at times,” they say. “In the beginning, the only person I felt anything for was Banrai. As I adapted further, I began to feel strongly for others--our son, Winter; Boggart and Vigrid; Isaiah; Bellerophon. Slowly, this love grew until it encompassed all of my people.”

“That sounds normal to me.”

“The problem is that I haven’t quite come to grasp sympathizing with outsiders,” they confess, “and my inability to trust and feel compassion for them would have lost us a great many good friends and powerful allies. Abaddon would not be here, nor would Faust or Holloway. Our village would look very different if I didn’t have Banrai to teach and guide me.”

“Would you say he’s been a major driving force behind the alliances with Clan Aphaster and the Nebula Guild? Among others?”

“I certainly would. It is because of what he has taught me that I was able to form those alliances, to put my faith in outsiders.” Like their husband before them, Dreamweaver seems to go soft when they speak of the drake they love. It’s a side of them I’ve never seen. “He’s too good for me,” they say. “Ah, how did I end up married to such a flawless being?”

“I’m asking the questions here,” I joke.

“Sorry, sorry!” They wave a hand to dismiss their honeyed thoughts. “When you’ve been married as long as we have, your mind tends to wander to your other half!”

“How long have you been married?” I ask.

“It will be forty-eight eons this Brightshine,” they reply, “four cycles of marital bliss. We were wed right here, in Feldspar territory--before we knew it would one day be Feldspar territory, that is.”

“You didn’t initially intend to found a clan,” I say.

“No,” they reply, “we wanted to live a peaceful life in the mountains, myself in particular. I was more adventurous in my youth, but I’ve grown weary as I’ve aged--and Banrai met me when I was already very, very old. That said...” They stare down into their tea, lost in thought. “I don’t regret founding this clan,” they say. “It has been such a great honor and privilege to nurture it into the fine thing it has become.”

“You don’t regret it,” I say, “even with all that’s happened?”

“Not at all,” they assure. “This is where I belong. I am proud of what we have accomplished together.”

“What are your plans for the clan’s future?” I ask.

“Too many to expand upon here and now,” they reply, “but I can give you a basic idea. For now, I’d like to focus on aiding and strengthening clans in need. The peoples of Sornieth are scattered, disorganized, and our enemies are both many in number and great in power. The more we band together, the stronger we will be. Alliances aren’t just for making friends after all.”

“What enemies do you think we’ll have to defend against?”

“Hostile Beastclans, for one,” they say, “and the Shade, should it ever regain its footing in Sornieth. If not even the gods could do away with it entirely, perhaps we can be of some assistance the next time it rears its ugly head.”

“Speaking of the Shade, you’ve welcomed the clan’s first Shade-touched dragon into the village recently.”

“Yes.” Dreamweaver clasps their hands in front of them. They look pensive. “Once again, my husband’s soft heart swayed me,” they sigh. “Penumbra is an interesting case. I sense no malice from them, but the nature of Shade-touched dragons is obscure. They are rare--growing less so, but still rare enough that we haven’t gathered much information on them.”

“Do you think Penumbra poses any threat to the village?”

“I would not have granted them residency if I believed they did,” Dreamweaver replies, “or if I thought I couldn’t, at the very least, handle them.”

“You mean fight them and win.”

“Yes.” They shake their head. “I’m optimistic that such harsh action won’t be necessary, though. They’re certainly odd, but their mind remains sharp despite how the sickness has spread.”

“I suppose they and Silas might have a bit in common.”

“They might,” Dreamweaver agrees, and smiles warmly. “I should introduce them. Thank you for the suggestion, Delucius.”

“You can thank me by talking about Lutia.”

“Oh dear.”

Dreamweaver’s smile fades again. They stand and walk over to peer out the window. I watch them tensely. This is a sensitive line of questioning, and I damn well know it.

“I asked Banrai his opinion,” I say, “so it’s only fair I ask yours.”

“Lutia and I--we’re like Silas and Penumbra.”

“You have something in common with her?”

“Yes.”

They are silent for a long while. I check my watch. Five minutes have passed, and they show no sign of elaborating. “Yes?” I say. It’s the gentlest nudge I can give.

“I know what it means to be responsible for someone else’s pain,” they say simply. “I know what she must be feeling now. I know how devastating being left alone with your own guilt and bitterness can be. I could never think ill of her--not when I--”

I see their hands clench into fists. A lump forms in my throat. I’ve either pushed them too far, or I haven’t pushed them far enough. I’m not sure I want to find out which it is.

“I will speak no more on it,” they say at last, and the dark aura that has begun to gather around them dissipates in an instant. “You’ll have to get by on what I’ve given you. I understand Lutia. I’m afraid that will have to suffice.”

“It, uh, it will.” I shuffle my parchment again. “So you have no intention of calling for her punishment, then?”

“Of course not,” they say. “That’s Clan Aphaster business. If one of my own was harmed, I might have a say in things--but no Feldspar blood was spilt. Abaddon and Junior suffer greatly, but they live and they will recover.”

“What about Junior?” I ask. “He’s not going to receive any formal punishment?”

“Gods, no,” they reply. “He’s a boy. If we punished every child for their catastrophic mistakes, we’d have no children left.”

“As I said during Banrai’s interview, people died.”

“Yes,” they say, “and I blame Opal for that. He’s already being punished, in the most wonderful, devious way imaginable.”

“So Lutia and Junior are absolved of responsibility for their actions?”

“No,” Dreamweaver replies. “Just because they are not receiving punishment does not mean they are not still responsible for their actions. Like Seaglass, they are punishing themselves. Junior saw the results of his curiosity directly. He was there when Shard the Radiant began to fall apart. He watched his siblings disappear into the Arcanist’s realm. He hurt his own father deeply, perhaps irreparably. The boy is traumatized. To punish him any further would be cruel.”

“What of Lutia, then? She doesn’t seem particularly remorseful.”

Dreamweaver’s eyes narrow. Once again, I’ve said the wrong thing, and they are far, far less likely to forgive me for it than their husband. “Who told you she does not feel remorse for her actions?” they ask.

“My sources--”

“Your sources are foolish and ignorant,” they say. “You cannot possibly grasp the depth of her sorrow.”

“I can’t,” I say, “I know I can’t. Still, this is the second incident in as many months--first Seaglass, then Lutia. Aren’t you worried people may start to fear magic users at this rate? They receive no punishment for their ‘catastrophic mistakes,’ and they’re prone to mass destruction when under emotional duress. Sounds like a political disaster waiting to happen.”

“Do our people appear fearful of magic?” they ask.

“Well, no, not at the moment--”

“If they do not already fear,” they say, “so soon after the incidents themselves, I doubt they ever will. If there comes a time when they do, however, I will do whatever I must to reassure them. That is my duty as their leader.”

“I’d think, if such a time comes, they’d fear you most of all.”

“That would be wise,” Dreamweaver says. “Though I don’t believe I possess the anger and grief to cause the sort of mindless destruction other magic users could, I am certainly the most powerful being in our territory.”

“Have you ever lost control of your magic?” I ask.

“Mmm, I wonder,” they reply.

“I suppose that pertains to your past, doesn’t it?”

“If you have no other questions, I’ll be going.”

“What happened during the meeting with Zo and Techne?” I blurt out. “Techne’s from House Xanna, isn’t she? I’m guessing it was about that mysterious machine of theirs.”

“Neither House Xanna nor their creation are any worry of ours,” Dreamweaver replies. “They pose no threat to us, so I am content to let them keep their secrets. I won’t be pushing Telos or Techne for further information, and if I find out you’ve been doing so behind my back, Delucius, I’ll torment your dreams for a full cycle.”

As they turn to leave, I am already steeling myself for a cycle of nightmares. House Xanna is a juicy pork cutlet, and its being dangled right in front of my nose. There’s no way I’m not going to look into it.

...But maybe that can wait until after I’ve interviewed Clan Feldspar’s many colorful residents.

[esamastation]

Flame, 8

There were two ways of dealing with something like spellshock. There was the long and hard and healthy way – and then there was the quick, unhealthy way. That was the one Newt took.

He supposes when he can think straight again, he will regret the decision. As it is, he feels a vague, half formed horror somewhere in the back of his mind now, back where it had been previously hidden by all of his fear and worrying, and it rings hollow but it's there and real and not without cause. He probably has done something blindingly stupid to himself here.

But his hands no longer shake and he can hold a wand without fear. "Lumos," he casts quietly and there is not a lick of flame – his wand tip lights up as it should. The light, he thinks, is even a little brighter than before.

The Mind Healer scans his mind again and again, humming to herself. "Well," she says, and she's not quite disproving, but definitely not approving either. "It does seem a little less crowded in here. How do you feel, Mr. Scamander?"

"Calmer," Newt admits honestly and that's a part he likes. He'll regret the rest, that's like gentle breath on his face after months on end of standing in middle of a flaming hurricane. "Everything is… quieter. It doesn't seem to shout at me anymore."

"Hmm, sounds about right," she agrees, running her wand tip over his forehead in a slow, vertical line. It feels like she's sealing the incision though, of course, there were no actual cuts. "Alright. I have couple of tests for you now, and I need you to be very honest with me with these, alright? It's just few moral, logical and philosophical problems and puzzles."

"Alright," Newt agrees, and she hands him the first paper with the first tale in it. Simple choice, who would he rather safe from a burning building and why, a child of two who has yet to show their magic, of old Potions Master on the brink of developing a cure for Dragon Pox.

The other questions are similar, testing his emotional thought processes. He'd answered a whole slew of similar questions before the operation, so this would be the test to see how much he had changed because of it.

Newt doesn't think his answers to the moral and philosophical tests have much changed, and his logic should be as it is – but there is one test. It's about him carrying incredible valuable documents, absolutely vital to the war – would he risk himself in helping his fellow soldiers in battle they're sure to lose, or would he keep on carrying the documents back?

Last time in similar question he'd chosen the documents – this time he chooses the people.

"Interesting," Healer Daisy Pomfrey says, marking something down on his file. "Why is that?"

Newt frowns, trying to think why he'd answered differently last time. "Previously I was worried of losing the documents, and that my involvement in the situation wouldn't help in the end and that I'd only add myself to the death toll," he says. "I… don't see it as big of a risk now. There is no way of saying if I could help or not – but I know I lose all the battles I choose not to fight and if I start worrying about it, I just suffer the whole thing twice, don't I?"

The healer eyes him and then nods and marks it down. "I have to admit, this is fascinating," Pomfrey admits. "I've done medical Obliviations to… hundreds of patients during this war. They all have different effects on it and yours is very interesting. Your thought process is clearly cleaner now, much more straight forward. I'm afraid it will affect your personality in the long run."

Newt nods and runs a hand over his forehead, imagining he can feel the bits that have been removed. Camp Iron Gut, he thinks, lot of that place. He remembers the dragons but not their names, if they had any, doesn't remember his involvement with them, though he remembers arguing about it with Theseus… The Twenty-Thirds he remembers clearer, but not how it ended – though again, he remembers talking about it later. The Obliviations are like scattered pockets of blackness in his memory, bits and pieces of events missing.

He's going to regret loosing his memories of the dragons, he knows that. But right now he's just glad he can breathe again.

"So, Mr. Scamander, here is what's going to happen from now on," healer Pomfrey starts. "For the next couple of days, your mind will settle and start to recover from the Obliviation. It might develop false memories to cover the ones you lost, so, if you can write a list of things as you know them considering the Obliviation, so later on you can tell what is true and what you mind made up to cover the holes."

"Alright," Newt nods. "I'll keep a diary of it.

"Good, that should help later on," she agrees. "In about a week you might experience bout of irritation, even anger over what happened to you – that's normal stage of the healing, and it can be directed at anything. Usually people find someone to blame, that's simply how people work, and due to the war I suggest you try ad blame the enemy, and not your friends and allies. Don't blame yourself if you can avoid it. You're just trying to heal and there is nothing wrong with that."

Newt frowns but nods. He's so very good at blaming himself though. It comes so very naturally to him. Or it did anyway – he doesn't quite know if his mind works that way anymore.

"After that, there will be a month of settling in. A lot of your brain has just been wiped clean, which means there is a bit of free real estate up there," Pomfrey says with a quick, mirthless smile. "You will develop new habits, latch onto new knowledge. Lot of people who have gone through medical Obliviations – and Obliviations in general – experience intense bouts of inspiration for the first month, possibly lasting as long as a whole year."

"What sort of inspiration?" Newt asks curiously.

"That depends entirely on the person. One witch I did this to took up wood carving week later – she now wants to be a sculptor when the war ends, and she had very little interest in arts before," Pomfrey says. "Another man, who did quite bit of writing even before, started writing elaborate poetry. Then there is one witch who, after her Obliviation, developed into quite the tactician from what I hear. It seems to depend on what catches your interest."

"Hm, something to look forward to," Newt says. "Is there anything else?"

"Eventually, you stop feeling Obliviated. Your mind heals, the holes are covered up and everything will be as normal," Pomfrey predicts. "Time fades out memories, that's just a fact of how human mind works. Eventually, you will think nothing of it. But it will take few years."

She turns to the file. "In the mean while, you will have at least two sessions with a mind healer for the next two months, if your duties permit it. Tell me, do you feel fit for duty?"

Newt considers it seriously, taking his wand and turning it in hand. He runs his thumb over the seam where it had been snapped when he'd been expelled and then nods. The old grief, and the confused sense of betrayal is still there, but the success and triumph he felt when he finally fixed the thing, that's stronger now. He rather likes it that way.

"Yes, I feel fit for duty," he says.

Pomfrey eyes him seriously for a moment. "Yes, I fee the same," she then says and stands up. "Give me a moment to sign your release papers and draw up your mind healer schedule and then you are done."

Newt nods and waits, idly swinging the wand in his finger before rolling it over his thumb and catching it again between his thumb and forefinger. He used to do tricks, or try to anyway, with it when he was in school, same as every other boy in class. He'd never been that good with them, more likely to drop his wand than anything.

He hasn't tried to do wand tricks in years.

Pomfrey returns with two sheets of paper – one to be handed to Theseus, other for Newt to hang onto. "Now, it's expected that you miss most of these," Pomfrey says. "Such is the reality of war – so when ever you have the time and when ever you are in a camp with mind healer present, show them this. And when ever you are at the Central Command, make sure to visit the healers as soon as you can."

"Yes, of course," Newt agrees and puts his wand away again before accepting the papers. "Thank you, Healer Pomfrey. I feel so much… easier now."

She smiles. "I'm glad I could help you. Now get out – I got a line of people waiting outside."

He gets up and leaves. The corridor outside feels little less oppressive than it last had, and Newt's shoulders slowly relax as he heads away. He notes with some interest that he walks a little faster now. Fascinating.

Theseus is in a meeting, so Newt sits to wait on the benches outside his office, taking out his wand again. The tip is a little singed from his previous backfires, but he'd stopped using magic before too bad damage had occurred. He still remembers that, at least – the way the spell just flipped and then his fingers were washed with licks of flames…

Healer Pomfrey had theorised it had something to do with his involvement with dragons. Normally back fires just exploded and knocked the vaster back – that all your spells turned into fire was a little unusual.

For a moment Newt tries to remember, was there any particular moment with the dragons, when fire was…

But there is nothing there anymore.

Time passes quicker when you're not afraid, it seems, because it's no time at all when the door to Theseus' office opens and whole crowd of witches and wizards in uniform file out – some of them in ICW uniforms, others in uniforms from varying nations. They all look very grim and serious. Must have been an important meeting.

Newt waits for Theseus' adjutant to notice him and then hands her his release paper to take to his brother. "Please wait," she says, and carries the paper inside. It's only half a minute later she comes out again. "The General will see you now."

"Thank you," Newt says and gets up again.

Theseus has a almighty scowl on his face, Newt's release paper on his hand and maps all over the table. "Newt," he says. "It's done, then?"

"All done, except for the following check ups which I will have for two months," Newt says, walking over. "Healer Pomfrey was very optimistic about my recovery, I felt."

Theseus frowns at him a little and then looks at the paper again. Then he sets it aside. "Have you heard yet?" he then asks and motions at the maps. "The Muggle Allies have gone on offensive."

"They have?" Newt asks with a frown.

"They mean to push the Central Powers out of France," Theseus nods and then takes a Muggle newspaper from under the maps, showing it to him. "There was a big battle, east of Amiens – lot of Germans surrendered, took a big hit on their morale. This will probably affect things."

Newt frowns. He's been catching up with Graves' battles and Grindelwald's advancement – the German commander seemed to follow the Muggle side of the things fairly closely and often acted in conjunction, using the Muggle war to his advantage. If the Central Powers are forced to retreat…

"Any news on Grindelwald?" Newt asks seriously.

"Nothing yet," Theseus sighs. "From what we've seen, though, there's been reaction with the other German wizards – at least one war camp has been relocated back beyond the German boarder. Who knows what Grindelwald will do,  the man moves around like he has the power to apparate entire nations."

Theseus looks up at him. "Do you feel fit for duty?" he then asks.

"Yes," Newt says simply. "I do."

His brothers' eyebrows lift a little and he looks slightly surprised. "Not going to beg me this time?"

Newt smiles a little and looks down. "It's a little different now," he says and eyes the maps. "Don't get me wrong, I still want to help, and find Graves, but… I can think clearer now. And…" he trails off and ducks his head.

The realisation that he doesn't care if Theseus lets him back in or not is quick and somehow unsurprising. Before, he'd been so desperate, so scared, unable to think past it – now he knows he could just go. He can just go. And he will go if Theseus says no.

"It doesn't matter if you say no, now," Newt admits. "I'll go regardless."

"Now that's a little treasonous," Theseus says, arching his eyebrows at him. "I'm a general, you know, you should watch what you're saying."

"I'm officially discharge and unofficially a deserter," Newt points out and arches his eyebrows right back at him.

Theseus sighs and shakes his head. "This will take a while to get used to," he mutters and then takes out a paper, handing it over. "Here. Read it and if you agree, sign it."

Newt looks it over. It's new oaths for him, but they're not… the military oaths. He's not becoming a soldier. Rather, he'll be a consultant, hired personally by General Theseus Scamander.

It seems about right, so, Newt signs it and hands it over. The oaths settle on him like old set of clothes, familiar but a little different from the soldier's oaths he took before – there's more emphasis on secrecy.

"Now comes the question on what to do with you," Theseus says grimly. "I'll be honest with you, Newt, you're no exceptional soldier and never have been. Your greatest asset is that you're damn good with beasts and I don't know how much use that will be with hunting Grindelwald down. What I need is an investigator, someone to track him down."

Newt frowns. "I'm not half bad with research," he says slowly. "I could give it a shot, if you gave me what you have on him."

Theseus frowns, thinking about it. "Yes, that would be a way to go about it," he says and looks at him. "Alright. I'll give you access on everything we have on Grindelwald. If you come up with explanation as to how he's getting his Inferi around so damn fast without anyone seeing him –"

"Oh, but," Newt says, blinking. "He's flying, isn't he?"

"Well, obviously he's flying, everyone is flying, but how is he flying his entire armada of Inferi with him, that's the question," Theseus says, rolling his eyes.

"He's just flying them with him," Newt says. "Undetectable expansion charms, you know."

Theseus sighs impatiently. "Yes, but how? I rather doubt he's just got them in his saddlebags."

"Why not? You could fit a lot of set of expanded saddle bags."

"Because, dear brother, that would be beneath him," Theseus says slowly. "What kind of famous and hallowed commander would he be if he flew around on a Hippogriff or a Thestral, his armies stashed away in his pockets like so much lint? Why do you think we build this place?" He motions around them. "It wasn't because we needed it. It was for appearances, brother, and troop morale. And you can be damn sure he's concerned with them too."

"Oh," Newt says and frowns. He never did get hang of that stuff, did he? And it feels even less important or important now, appearances and propaganda and all that.

Theseus shakes his head. "I'll write a slip for you to grand you access to the records," he says and sits down. "Try and think less like a vagabond and more like someone who cares about their appearances. Grindelwald will be concerned with the image he's presenting, he will want to appear great."

-

"During our first discussion you told me, quite honestly, that you thought I'd win if I didn't use the Inferi," Grindelwald says while reading through some reports – all in German and in code, of course. "What did you mean by that?"

"Exactly what I said. You'll never win, using Inferi," Graves says. He's standing by the door, waiting – he's mostly waiting on Grindelwald now, waiting for the man to think of some menial task for him to perform. He's all but the German commander's manservant now.

"The Inferi tactics have proven very successful," Grindelwald says and looks at him. "And on the long run quite bit cheaper than using living soldiers, I might add. And it's the cost of a battle that determines the success – even when I lose, I lose less than those that win."

"Maybe. But it's not about the cost. It's sentiment," Graves says, meeting the man's eyes without hint of humility. "Eventually you'll run out of mass graves to dig up, and you'll have to go after cemeteries and that will lose the war for you."

"Oh, but people are getting over their sensibilities," Grindelwald says dismissively. "By that point it will hardly matter."

"Tell me, when your own soldiers die, do you use their bodies?" Graves asks. Grindelwald frowns at that. "Exactly. It's fine when they're people no one knows – but eventually you will have to resort to other resources for your bodies. Battle field fallen, perhaps?"

The German Commander hums low in his throat and leans back in his chair. "You think opposition outrage at my tactics will eventually be my doom?" he asks, amused. "As I said, my means are cheap, and even if I have to resort to grave robbing on smaller individual scale, it hardly matters. People will still die and I will still have resources. And if I eventually do start capturing the fallen off battlefield, that only means that my armies will increase while my enemies' lessen. And their fallen feed my army."

"It would – but your army has restrictions," Graves points out. "You're limited in how many Inferi you can raise. The only reason you aren't overtaken by sheer numbers on every battle is that most of your attacks rely on surprise and stealth and no one has the time to prepare. If they ever figure out how to track you –"

"They will not," Grindelwald says grimly.

Graves says nothing but he smiles at the man's obvious irritation. Hit a sore point there, didn't he. "Relying on Inferi will lose you the war," he says. "And I think you know it."

"It would not if I could surpass that limit," the commander mutters and then looks down at the report. "There is a way to do it, you know. A way to raise as many Inferi as you could possibly want. And I'm almost there. Once I have it…"

He doesn't have it now, though, whatever it is Graves muses. "And then what?" Graves asks. "You over run the Western Front with dead soldiers?"

"Then, my dear Percival, then I will fight a war unlike any you've seen," Grindelwald smiles darkly. "Not one for scraps or glory or confusion like this one – I will fight it for freedom."

Graves frowns. "Against Nomajes," he guesses.

"Against centuries of self suppression, shame and fear," Grindelwald answers and stands up. "Don't you think it's wrong? The way we cover in the shadows? We have power, we have might, and yet we've cultivated this mentality of fright for so long we can hardly surpass it. Even now, even this war, is about it. Don't you agree?"

Graves says nothing – it's another rant. And of course, Grindelwald goes on without any prompting. "Even now the International Confederation of Wizards doesn't fight for defence, they don't fight for land, they don't even fight for ideals. They fight for secrecy. They joined this war and became a key figure in it because they wanted to cover it up – don't you think that is hilarious?" the man asks and lets out a derisive laugh. "They're their own whole side now, a true key figure, when at start they wanted only to moderate. Well, now they're moderating the whole war. And badly at that."

Graves says nothing and Grindelwald scoffs at him. "And your people, the MACUSA. Rappaport's law is quite thing, isn't it? You're so scared you can barely breathe in the Muggle's direction, over the sea. You prohibit tradition, you strangle your own history – tell me, have you ever worn a traditional set of robes?"

"Can't say I've ever wanted to," Graves says tightly. "They're ludicrous and impractical and I don't see why anyone would ever want to wear them."

That brings the man's rant up short and he looks at him in astonishment. Graves arches his eyebrows. "What, do you think I should feel oppressed?" he asks. "There is no ban on robes in United  States – they're just not practical. All they mean is that you have to change into something else when you want to go out."

"Well you shouldn't have to change," Grindelwald says, but he's frowning at him now.

"And I don't – because I don't wear robes by choice," Graves rolls his eyes. "They're just waste of time. And besides, doesn't the hem just get in your way?"

Grindelwald scowls and then waves a dismissive hand. "You're obviously going to be no fun today, Percival. Get out."

"Gladly," Graves says and retreats. On the hall he takes a breath and releases it slowly and then, once he feels a little steadier, he heads away, chains clinking.

He really needs to get out of here. He's been here way too long now.

Grindelwald is starting to make entirely too much sense now.

[zorkaya-moved]

💬 (For Rin or Shigemasa)

@eliteimperialism

SHIGEMASA TSUKAMOTO.

how I feel about you:

i hate you | i don’t like you | i don’t care about you | i don’t know you | i know you | i look at you from afar | you’re my friend | you’re my best friend | you’re like family | i care for you | i love you 

I want to:

kill you | punch you | ignore you | know more about you | be friends with you | hang out with you | hug you | kiss you

“He’s a business partner, that’s it. No matter how young he is, he’s got similar eyes to mine and several other younger people in the underworld that I know. He kind of reminds me of a protagonist of some books, becoming so powerful and influential since he’s young. He and Rin are similar on that aspect, they’re smart and they’re unique. However, when it comes to Shigemasa, he’s just a business partner and nothing more. That kid’s got more in his future than many, that I can say for sure. People like him won’t be met with an easy fate, but I’d say that he’ll go through with them and will take his place under the sunlight. That’s the reason I work with him and he pays me well, that’s honestly how it is. It’s nothing but business. Though, I find his girlfriend Natsura quite adorable, but it’s like seeing a flamingo and saying it’s cute. Then again, Shigemasa is also someone, who I think, should get more training in his patience and in his tongue holding simply because there’s so far he could go with that attitude of his. If he doesn’t create more allies for himself in the international sense, I can tell for sure that they’ll unite against him in the future. And I won’t be putting Shigemasa atop of my web of connections. He’s useful now and I hope he’ll continue be useful in the future just like I am useful to him now. That’s just how it is. We’ll see how the future will shape our interactions. Let’s hope that his ambition will continue to grow and he won’t get cold feet.”

RIN ARASHI.

how I feel about you:

i hate you | i don’t like you | i don’t care about you | i don’t know you | i know you | i look at you from afar | you’re my friend | you’re my best friend | you’re like family | i care for you | i love you 

I want to:

kill you | punch you | ignore you | know more about you | be friends with you | hang out with you | hug you | kiss you | be your family (parental figure)

“He’s caught my attention, I will not lie. I cannot explain exactly why I feel this way to the dot, but I believe it’s his eyes and his manner of speech. They were the beginning of my curiosity. It was like when I’ve met my teammates before, I was drawn to him as I was to them. My gut rarely fails me, you see. I sense fascinating people who might become more important to me, I choose them as my people, my family, my team. I adore the the shine he’s got to himself, the brightness of his enigmatic presence makes me want to know more about him and it’s familiar. He makes me think of myself, hiding his true personality under layers of acting. It means he’s smart, he’s so much more intelligent than people think. Those skills in observation he’s got? He knows things and he can get himself in some trouble with that. I certainly did when I was younger... It’s nostalgic, I behaved similarly to him. We have different reasons for that, but that’s why I want to be there to offer him a helping hand. I started to care, I want to support him. I spoke to my parents about it and, hah, they said something very interesting. The wish for me to protect, to be there as a support, to help him out with some of his life. They said I started to act similarly to my dad. Did I start treating him like my own child? I think it’s a budding feeling, I’m still learning more about it, I haven’t... felt this way towards anyone, the wish to be a parental figure. Can I even be one, hah? Would it be awkward for him if I’ll offer him more help or advice? I’d like to have a child like him, I want to be... there for him. I don’t know how yet, but I know now what this budding feeling is. He may say he’s a storm that makes people’s lives a tragedy, but my whole life’s already been a fucking hurricane. He doesn’t scare me, I’ve been beaten up and tortured. What else can he bring? A fucking apocalypse? Hah! I’ll meet it. He’s going to be a part of my family, I decided. He doesn’t have to travel with me or even accept my work, but... I’ll keep tabs on him, make sure he’s not going to die when I’m not around. He can’t make my life worse, I’ll turn every storm into an opportunity. He doesn’t have to fear causing trouble. He shouldn’t fear making noise, he shouldn’t be afraid of choosing what he wants to do. I mean, if he’ll be fine with it, I’ll be a mother. And what a mother wouldn’t do for her child? Well, I’m being too forward with this right now, even I know when to take my time and listen to another’s opinion.”