#but i genuinely want to kill myself becuase of how fucking shit i feel and how irritated and furstrated i am

[andragoras-in-vanity]

my head hurts, im bleeding still (more so than before i called ny clinic), im so stressed i want to cry cause i have no support and so much to do and all i want is my person cause everyone is in christmas mode and i cant handle this time of year alone again

[cloudcountry]

Part 3 of rant ig?

But yeah, idia is fucking doomed by the narrative in every way and for whatever reason it make my brain light the fuck up.

I would definitely consider myself the emotional support dog to a degree? I like helping people with mental health and I feel obligated to help those I can. I've had a bad run with my own brain and my shit can be considered MILD compared to a lot of stuff. And so I look at characters like idia, I relate, and I immediately go "HOLY SHIT I NEED TO TAKE HIM OUT OF STRESSFUL SITUATIONS IMMEDIATELY " I'm the oldest of my siblings I'm a care taker I look at those people who need validation or brain feelings help and I go "I GOTCHU BRO" because if my brain made me feel as bad as I felt.. WHO KNOWS WHAT ITS DOING TO THIS POOR GUY :((( LIKE

Liking idia is like finding the wettest most pathetic half dead cat that's scared of ppl and has behavioral issues, and helping it becuase that kitty has the potential to be the bestest and most happiest cat ever

Tldr: he's so fucked up he triggers my protective and nurturer instincts

Plus!!! He likes anime and I was literally raised on that! Since I was like 8, every Saturday the whole family would watch an episode of Dragon Ball and an episode of Bleach. Otaku??? Ranting buddy??? Someone the theorize and binge with?? YES. Dude have you ever shit talked your least favorite character and everyone hyped you up becuase they ALSO hate that character???? THAT SHIT CATHARTIC!! AnD THAT HALLOWEEN GETUP???? HONEY DO YOU WANT TO COSPLAY WITH ME PLEASE I JUST WANT TO WEAR MECH ARMOR---

Idia is Hella nuerodivergent coded and it makes me salivate because like!!! He knows TM. Existing around other people with fucked up brains is so weirdly cool becuase alot of the time you can just tune in to the other on a subconscious level like Bluetooth connection. PARALLEL PLAY WOULD BE FUCKING AMAZING WITH IDIA BC HE WOULD JUST PLAY GAMES AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! Also the infodumping. INFODUMPING BELOVED. I personally, would love to hear him go off about tech shit that I would not understand becuase just the feel of the passion is intoxicating!! (This feeling extends to Jade leech btw) FREE DOCUMENTARY!!!

Another thing I also appreciate is the Sass that they stole from Hades, Idia is a sassy little bitch and it is WONDERFUL. He is a petty little shit. A horrible stinky gremlin man. I love the slang, the puns, the utter bullshit. He intrigues me and I wish to study him!!!!! He would send me a blurry picture of bread with the caption "me living that crumb life " at 2:47 am and I would lose my shit BECUASE YES. CRUMB LIFE!!! YOU ARE LIVING IT!!!! He's also genuinely smart and I like smart characters. Idia is a little shit, but he's also smart. I 100% believe in the "you can think your way out of anything if you just get creative enough" way of looking at things. IMPROVISE ADAPT OVERCOME!!! I appreciate the technological skills and alternative thinking patterns! (camp Vargas where he motivated himself to pick up sticks by comparing it to something he liked? Boom. Creative thinking beats out executive dysfunction!!!)

It's a type of friendship and weird bullshit I couldn't see myself doing with a lot of other twst characters ? There potential for a deep emotional understanding and connection that is just really alluring for my mind ig

Just 2 fucked up ppl trying to exist, but at least it's easier together sort of thing? Also idia would probably let me kill someone.

okay WOW you and edie sent me so much about this man and i like just woke up so now im reading this with a hazy sleep brain LMAO AKSJDHHSFGJDHSGDFH

but you know its very interesting to see how things that bother me SO MUCH are things that make other people laugh. they make other people like him. THE THINGS I DONT LIKE ARE ENDEARING TO YOU PEOPLE!!!!! its all about perspective!

idia is really fucking smart like i may not like him but i can acknowledge his good parts. he cares about his brother hes smart and uhhhh ummmm uhhhhhhhhhh ANYWAY. im just teasaing SDJJSDDJ but thats why i love when i get these long winded messages about characters i dont like because if i can change my mind about rook and vil i can change my mind about idia

all it takes is people who loves him!!

[saintsurvivors]

tbd

[ziracona]

So last night I wound up reading Amanda's wiki and It made me kind of sad for her, because it very much sounds like she was suffering from stockholme syndrome of a kind there, to me, atleast. Which makes me wonder, what do you think of the pig/amanda? What's your Amanda like in your stories? Do you think she had any potential for redemption (with A LOT of work)? I guess I just wanna hear your thoughts on her character because ur always rly good at it?? - Sleepy

Yeah, whoever wrote the Saw wiki loves Amanda and hates Hoffman and it’s genuinely hilarious. They make a lot of assumptions (like that her motive for killing Adam after he won his game was mercy killing, which is a throughly unconfirmed opinion), and use the most sympthetic & extreme language possible. I’ve watched all the Saw films, and as a character, Amanda is a very enjoyable villain, but as a person? She’s a truly awful human being. (Side note—this typed last— So, mentioning certain Saw characters sends me flying into a rage like a D&D berserker, so this is gonna get angry as hell, but 0 of it is at you. I love you. This is at the Jigsaw squad. WHO I FUCKING HATE. Ahem. Anyway. Felt like the level of unbridled and sudden fury needed a heads up lol.) It’s not Stockholm syndrome. In Saw one, she’s a victim who is put in a reverse beartrap and forced to either die, or cut the key out of the stomach of a paralyzed by drugs but very alive (which she knew) other kidnap victim, whom she cut open and killed. After enduring that trauma and barely surviving, she immediately accepted John’s offer to join him. She was not forced, she was not tricked. He asked, and because she wanted to feel special and important, she agreed to inflict suffering she knew goddamn well the horrible level of on others first hand, and went willingly. She is self-centered to her core, and became dependent on and infatuated with John, and obsessed with his approval. She kidnapped Adam and Lawrence with him, who were kidnapped for fuckall reason (literally John just thought photography was pathetic) and for almost cheating on his wife (lol this was John’s ‘stated’ reason—his real reason was John is the world’s pettiest bitch, and Lawrence was the doctor who told him he had cancer. I’m not fkn kidding he’s that level of petty self-absorbed, self-righteous bastard) respectively. Then killed Adam after he won his game, which should have given him freedom but John reneged on like he always does like the pissy little bitch he is, Amanda killed him for reasons up to speculation. However, given John usually tests people who win a second time or tries to get them to join or some bullshit, it’s more plausible to assume her motive was seeing him as a threat than that it was mercy killing, and it’s only stated in-film to be an emotion based decision, not her actual movtive. Everyone’s opinion on this action is just that—opinion. With varying degrees of factual basis behind the educated level of educated guess.

In Saw 2, she helps John kidnap a bunch of drug addicts like herself who all got false arrests by the same officer at one time or another, along with a poor fucking 15 year old whose crime is having that cop for a dad. She then spent the next two hours watching people whose only crime was drug use, like herself, die horribly of organ deterioration, knowing at any time she could have stopped it and saved them all because she knew how to get the antidotes. Bitch even holds one girl in her arms and stokes her head and pretends to care about her while she hacks up deteriorated lung and blood and fucking dies, when at any moment she could have chosen to let her live. Literally no one should be more sympathetic to them than her. She knows how addicted to drugs feels, and the help you need. Anyway, she doesn’t, she lets them die and plays with them, and then when it’s to her, the 15 year old—who multiple times saves or helps her when hurt by other participants, and is nothing but kind—and one other man, the man shows up to kill her to get an antidote, and the poor fucking 15 year old child kills him with a saw to save her, traumatizing himself to a breakdown afterwords, and instead of being even thankful, she attacks and knocks him out, ties him up and attaches an oxygen tank so he won’t suffocate, and locks him in a fucking like tiny ass safe to be a game piece for another trial and leaves him there. His dad, who admittedly needs to serve jail time but isn’t a fucking murderer at least & does love his son, shows up distraught looking for his kid he’s afraid is dead, and she sneak attacks and takes him down, then leaves him chained up in a nasty lost bathroom to starve slowly to death, and doesn’t even do him the decency of telling him his kid isn’t dead. When he breaks his foot to get free and comes hobbling wounded after her, she sneak attacks again and he nearly wins, but she fucks up his broken foot and starts to leave, then comes back and beats him (she thinks) to death becuase he said she would never be Jigsaw, and she’s that petty and proud. Kid never gets to know what happened to his dad, and even alive, will definitely die young from the complications one, you know, gets from almost dying of chemical organ deterioration.

In Saw 3, the main victim is a man whose kid was lost in a hit and run. Jigsaw has Amanda kidnap his wife because she’s a surgeon and also was once not as sympathetic as he thought she should be when talking to him about his cancer at the hospital (I’m not even fucking exaggerating—side note, I will beat John Kramer to death myself with my huge fucking meat fists and laugh as I watch his bones crumble to dust). This poor bitch just lost a kid, then separated from her husband because he was a fucking mess consumed with revenge against the poor college kid who accidentally hit his son & totally withdrew from the world, and she wakes up with a collar filled with shotgun shells basically a 360 gun blow off your head collar deal on, and Amanda wheeling her around in the wheelchair she’s tied to. They tell her if she keeps John alive until the person being tested finishes his test, she can go free. The whole movie, Amanda keeps trying to convince John to kill the poor woman even though she complies just because she’s a throughly selfish, petty, conceited, self-pitying bastard with no regard for others, and wants this “Bitch” to die for fun. She feels she’s a threat for John’s attentions, and John isn’t even romantically inclined toward her, but she’s obsessed and doesn’t care. Amanda decides between Saws 2 and 3 that people aren’t fixable—even though she herself was supposedly “helped” by her Jigsaw game and this is hypocritical as fuck—and just starts straight up fucking torture murdering for fun. To the point even John thinks she has to be stopped. Like if John fucking Kramer thinks you’ve gone to far? Jesus help you because no one else can. She still does the torture, but instead of like, chopping off your own hand with a paring knife and getting to live, you chop it off and then still slowly get your head crushed between two beams being screwed closer and closer together. She kills Kerry for fuckall reason except she wants to (Kerry is a detective who did jack shit wrong—she was just on the case. It’s utter bullshit). Kidnaps her, straps a thing with hooks in her ribs that will tear out her rib cage when a timer runs out, and kill her that way, and had her hung up above the ground tied by chains, and tells her if she burns her hand up in a bottle of acid to get the key at the bottom which is hard period in the suit—never mind losing the hand—she can live. And Kerry fucking does, ruins her hand, unlocks the lock, and the suit won’t come off becuase the cunt rigged it. Then Amanda shows up to watch her die for fun just to smile smugly at her and watch her fear. Because she’s a fucking soulless, sadistic, evil, self-centered, self-important asshole.

Obsessed dad let’s a fucking bystander whose only crime was seeing a hit and run and running off freeze to death stripped naked and sprayed with water in a freezer slowly, saves a judge who gave too weak a sentence to the hit and run kid after the man begs, and then lets the poor fucking college kid who did it and already feels awful get his arms twisted till they snap off, legs twisted till the same, and then his head twisted around back so far it twist snap kills him. The rack is fucking beyond inhumane death. Amanda monitors this while threading Lynn (the poor doctor lady) for fun and crying over poow wittwe John who is dying of cancer (thank you god for doing what we couldn’t), and being miserable. Eventually, Hoffman sends her a letter saying if she doesn’t kill Lynn, he’ll tell John that she was one of the people there to steal drugs the night his wife got injured and miscarried (he probably already knew 🙄), and becuase Amanda cares about nothing more than Amanda, she fucking monolgauges at John about how special and sad she is how he needs to fix her and she’s a murderer but she doesn’t care because you know—she’s depressed : ( so she gets a pass for her self she’s UwU sad so her poor little crisis can have a massive torture body count bc she’s that special UwU and why is Lynn not gonna die even though she did her job!??? So unfair! No one changes kill them all but tell me I’m special I’m symapthetic because I’m sad and that makes it fun for me to tear people’s ribs out :’( —and then she fucking shoots Lynn becuase she cares less about an innocent woman’s life than the potential for John to be mad at her :’-( you know—such symapthetic stuff! And then John is like “Ok then fkn die :’(“ and Jeff/unstable dad/Lynn’s husband runs in and shoots her and then kills John.

Anyway! I fucking hate Amanda with a passion, and John. I cannot stand humans who hurt each other for fun, especially when they target those who most need help. But above all I cannot abide a person who is a sadistic, selfish, wholly self-absorbed fuck of a human, and refuses to take any responsibility for their actions or admit how fucking bad they are and has the goddamn nerve to act like a victim. Like if you’re going to be an evil son of a bitch, at least have the decency to admit it. If you’re a self-pitying “im uwu special and sad and better and more important than everyone else” —double points for “& becuase I am attractive I can get away with being a soulless shit without any being held accountable” from fandom or the media itself, tripple if from both—? I will kill you myself. I will rip out your eyes and chew on them. I will kill my self on a bomb to take you too. I will chew off my left arm for the sole purpose of getting to beat you to death with it. The wiki writer bends over back so bad they’re gonna need a brace the rest of their life to make her sound sympthetic, but they’re just a fan. She’s not. At all. She doesn’t have Stockholm, and I see people say “she got manipulated and used : (“ all the time, but without fail so far it’s people who think she’s hot and just want a reason to stan that because somehow a hot white woman with short hair even if canonically infatuated with John Kramer is somehow both a lesbian, and excusable for every horrible torture murder she ever did to feel uwu special in her depressed sad times. She wasn’t manipualated. It happened fast, she wasn’t courted into it, and she didn’t even hesitate to say yes. He offered her an out, made sure she was serious, and she stayed. And then she escalated to the point John took her out to stop her, because it was worse than what he wanted to do. I enjoyed her as a villain but as a person I fucking hate Amanda, and don’t really want to see her get another chance. Bastard doesn’t deserve one. I can’t say there’s no continuum in which she could never improve or be redeemed becuase who the fuck knows, and I like to think there’s a smidgen of hope for anyone, but that said, I do think the more evil you willfully do, the more you lose your humanity, and you can hit a point there’s just no person left. So. Anyway, hah, I don’t think she’s redeemable and frankly don’t want her redeemed. I want to burn her to death myself if I have to die that way too. Also! This was a wildly angry answer but none of it is directed at you. That wiki writer does make her sound symapthetic, I’ve read the wiki too—just I go into a blind rage any time John or Amanda is even mentioned and it takes me a half hour to come back down. I fly into a rage. If I ever go into anaphylactic shock, all a friend has to do is start mentioning the names of Saw villains and my adrenaline will start pumping like jet fuel and I’ll be fine. I just have a whole lot of righteously just rage at horrible awful self-righteous self-absorbed malicious manipulative dehumanizing self-pity bastards who take 0 responsibility for their evil or admit it, and Amanda & John are two at the way top of that rage list. It’s a dark but powerful headspace when I think of them. I become very powerful...but also very enraged. Lol, anyway, here’s the breakdown you didn’t need, but it is throrough!

[quackspot]

i started thinking about that gay bastard oc of yours. platano. can u tell me about him

omg u wer thinkgin about platano..... mr banana man... mr 4011. i am obsessed with the banana code srry i just got back from work (it was good :-D)

any way. um. im going below the cut. he kidnaps people and he murders people and i hate him because he’s also a massive weeb so. hm

HISTORY OF PLATANO... yea his name is spanish for banana

his father, pablo, will probably get a name change someday but i literally never think of his father since the only thing he did in platano’s backstory was disappear 

since platano’s world has characters based off like. fruits and vegetables (there aren’t really any limit to what the characters are based off of. it was in my lazy google translate name phase so we have like... a gay character named arcenciel who becomes dadlike through my powerful canon-changing touch. also arcenciel wears the colors of the rainbow as often as he can i haven’t figured out a good design for him since i’m not used to using more than 5 colors. he also owns a hat factory)

i think arcenciel and platano are friends they met when platano was like. 17 probably and arcenciel would be around uhhhhh ummmmmmm 21??? idk man but in canon he’s probably around 30 . yes i m saying “in canon” because i wrote a really dumb and horrible story back in 2018 arcenciel used to have HUGE internalized homophobia and i turned that into a running joke and i dislike that so that’s a reason why i’m not sharing the fun little story i wrote for my friends

(the best part of that story is when arcenciel threw his light-up rainbow heelies at platano, thus starting the boss fight which the main cast LOST.)

ok back to the topic at hand. platano.

i have a whole doc named platano where i just wrote drabbles about him so i’m going to summarize them

the first one was his friend, percisi (my only cishet oc he’s very short and very aggressive while also dressing in a soft-colored turtleneck since he’s based off of peaches) using a misunderstood form of satanism to summon satan. guess what percisi and platano summoned satan for. it was a manga update! wow

i won’t say the mangas name it was an inside joke

so platano was like “hey satan can i have this manga now please please” and satan went “sure just kill people for me” 

that determined platanos job for the next 7 or so years <3 wonderful. 

(it was basically me writing a backstory for a scene to happen in the main writing i wrote for my friends. he killed someone because someone else in the building was trying to summon satan. very confusing but okay i guess.)

i think right after that i wrote about platano meeting his boyfriend, sage, for the first time. i have horribly mixed feelings about their relationship since it’s very. Hm.

so platano kidnaps people to watch anime with him because all his friends left him and his best friend, mangue, is too busy being a dictator over the Land of the Fruits. i shit you not fruits oppressed the vegetables. i wrote that dynamic between the two because i was learning about the revolutionary war in US History. something like that at least

(the Land of the Fruits is not the official name)

on the topic of kidnapping people. guess who his favorite person was. sage. it was sage. so he tried to take sage often but they probably discussed Proper boundaries since everyone else tried to run away. hmm i am now going to write a bit right now 

“Platano,” Sage started. “Why do you keep kidnapping me? It’s rude and I hate it.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” The yellow-haired fool leaned on his sword, digging the tip deeper into the ground. 

“ASK ME IF I WANT TO HANG OUT??” 

“I can do that?”

“You keep making my dads worried.” Sage looked around the area, fidgeting with his hands. 

“Oh. Okay. Want to hang out? Watch some anime?” Platano paused for a moment, but managed to say “Maybe kiss?” before Sage got to answer.

“I- KISS??? We can watch anime together. We can go now.” 

Sage ushered Platano through a portal as fast as he could. 

His dads were never worried.

hmmm maybe that’s alright idk i’m a little tired so it’s probably a little out of character. sage probably isn’t that loud but i think it was trying to be the dynamic of “oh, we’re not dating” when they kiss every sunday at 5 pm by a romantic river scene 

he’s a character who is, at his very core, horrible and bad. he is portrayed in a way i DESPISE but i’m too lazy to correct it. his interest in sage actually started with me going “hmm i think platano would draw sage like this” then sauce giving me fun facts about his oc, sage, yea sage is sauce’s oc <3 epic win . so sauce gave me fun facts about sage and i was like “time to doodle these in platanos ‘art style’” when in reality it’s just the mockery of people just getting into an anime art style, with the chin so pointy it could cut a cake 

i might reread my old writing from 2018. i gotta agree with the judges for that year i did not write very well

it mightve actually been made in 2017 which would be FUCKIN CRAZY im gonna check rn 

yea it was started in 2018. february 14th... huh . finished it completely in june of that year it was 41 pages total and it’s not even double spaced how did i write something without double spacing it

OH MY GOD BOB IS GOING TO HIJACK THIS RANT JUST FOR A LITTLE

so bob is a fluffy little anthro cloud with a grey top hat and bowtie. he is amazing. i love bob. bob is another one of sauce’s character and mangue (mentioned earlier) was made by my friend jamie 

(you can always ask for their tumblrs but i’d ask them if its okay to share their tumblrs. i might just look at them and reblog their stuff cuz i like their art!!! maybe jamie posted a drawing she made recently on her blog but tbh i don’t think she would she’s more of a twitter user)

ok so im skimming thru UMG which is the story it stands for “Universe of Magic Gardens” and it was originally made for a prank on ponytown so people would go “what’s UMG” and my friends and i would be like “ur mom gay xDDDDDD” or something like that . horrible but i’m glad i’ve changed from . that.

here’s a bit i actually like AKLJFISJFIO

“What the actual FUCK, Ilkie?!” Arcenciel cringed in fear. “Put it back- it’s too ugly.” He pointed at Platano, whose arms were crossed. 

why is it bolded. anyway.

i just saw a part where eau used y’all... water cowboy moments <333 i really need to make refs for all of those old characters. all of my umg-related characters have to be my oldest-living ocs. 

i cant believe this is making me genuinely reread my old writing just to go “WJHFSIDAJKSFIOJ WTF????” 

some of the lines on it sound like something you would hear on like. a school bus or somethin 

looking at umg like “wtf how did i add so much Meat to this writing” bc most of my writing now is mostly quotations to progress the story (like the quickie i wrote earlier. i could add meat to it but im  tired lol)

OK THIS IS MORE GENERAL BUT MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THIS WAS WRITING HAIKUS FOR PORTALS. after you visit a place enough times it’s kind of just an instinct to open a portal there so you don’t have to recite a haiku 

uhh ok here’s another bit becuase im feeling like living la vida loca.  ur biggest regret should be “can you tell me about him” by this point bc i’ve written too much to go back now

He landed on his face once he was outside of the hat. Meko quickly walked over to the guest room, opened the Portals for Dummies book, and flipped to a page. It looked devious.

“Banana, mango,

Each tasting amazingly.

A taste of evil.” 

Meko did the dance on the page, it consisted of something that looks like it’s from an anime. A portal opened, the familiar scent of bananas and mangoes coming from it. With some hesitation, Meko stepped in. He quickly made it so only his head peeked in.

it wasnt bolded this time but i like it bolded. ok i understand how i added meat it was just shitty expired meat ALKFSJSHDAIUJKFEIODSJAK . it wasnt even that much meat DAMN. it just looked like more.

actually that’s all i will write. i could  do more w platano but yea at his base he is a blonde twink who kills people because he wanted a manga but now he’s friends with a dictator. woo! wow. amazing character writing. i cant wait to get motivation to rewrite everything and make platano a good villain (he will still be very interested in anime sadly. idk why around that time i liked making characters who were obsessed with anime i didn’t even watch it much myself. i think it was because i wanted to put capes on them)

[curlythenord]

How It Began

Hey, so this is new, and weird. But I have no one to talk to about this to without annoying them, and this is basically my new and only hobby. And I like it a lot. And most of us are stuck inside anyways so why not?

Skyrim is quite a few years old, so maybe some of you have wisdom to give. Or not, and you could just hear about my faliures/achievements and laugh. Either way, this feels therapeutic in nature, and puts two things I love together. Writing and... well, Skyrim.

So, three or four weeks into quarantine, and I was already pretty out of it. I didn’t have any solid hobbies to pick from and I was waiting on amazon book deliveries. Then, Jenna Marbles posted her video “A Tour of My House In Elder Scrolls Online” and I watched it and I really liked it. She mentioned how much she liked it many times before and something about the fantasy and quests just struck a cord in my bored little heart.

It’s like the attraction of Animal Crossing that a lot of us are having, except it’s with dragons and magic and swords. Both are still very valid.

That afternoon I downloaded Blades on my phone and played for literal hours. Something about swinging a sword and killing trolls and monsters really got to me. I wasn’t a fan of building the town and upgrading the blacksmithy but otherwise I enjoyed it. Then on Easter I kinda browsed through amazon, wondering if I could buy the game right now because of quarantine and all that. We have a ps4 at home, it’s my little brothers. I found a copy of the 2016 beautified version on Amazon, and then he went and found it on the playstation store for way less.

Soon enough I caved to my desires and I bought it. And I was immediately obssessed. I spent like an hour JUST creating my character. I wanted her face paint to be just right and her eye color was so hard to pick because I kept getting getting stuck between this hella striking blue and this really cool dark golden/hazel color. (I decided on golden) I chose Nord after debating about it for awhile, and i’m still not regretting the decision. She has really dark black hair and dope ass war paint on her eyes. I know Breton was probsbly the better choice but the Nord character hasn’t been an issue at all. I do always forget to use her war cry thougj. I think it’s because I can only use it once a day (in-game) so it makes me scared to use it. Even though days are just around 20-30 minutes long without fast travel.

Her name is Toril, which means “thunder”, and I know shes my avatar and everything but like... she’s so cool.

I chose the Warrior stone, because I genuinely just wanted to fuck shit up with a Sword. I always thought I was naturally super bad at console gaming becuase I tried playing COD before and I was terrible. Like really bad. Like propably shot myself more in the foot than I shot anyone else bad. But with Skyrim? I keep getting better each time I play. And my attack strategies are getting so much better.

My usual way to fight is a shield and a one-handed weapon. Two-handed is just too bulky and I like swords and the protection of shields. Also it just drains stamina so fast and I don’t like that. At this point I just carry Two handed weapons incase an opponent is Really hard to kill without it. I also do magic-wielding on left hand (usually restoration spells) and a one handed weapon on right. It’s prefect for combat with slow but really damaging enemies, like dragons or trolls that you can back away from.

Recently, I began dual wielding and it’s honestly so fun. I just hate how much damage I take when I do it against a group of bandits though, so I keep moving away to heal or take potions, but it’s such a fun strategy to use with dragons when they land or just against one opponent.

Anyway, the game is amazing, the characters are fun and weird and yea they’re fake but the storylines are so interesting. I decided to go with the imperial gaurd in the beginning, so I went to Riverwood, and then eventually took main residence at Whiterun. I was a little slow on joining the companions, so I used to just stay at the inn before I lived with them, but a couple days ago I saved up enough to buy the Breezehome. Both a good and bad idea because I still go back to Whiterun a lot, but my quests are now taking me farther and farther away and now I can’t really pop back in whenever I need to store an unneccesary weapon or some dragon bones.

I also hardly let myself fast travel because I really like the game for the exploring aspect. Even though the foxes have given me jumpscares multiple times with their guttural panting.

So yea. After maybe two weeks of playing I’m at level 20, and I’m guessing I’ve spent over 30 hours on the game. I play a little bit each day, but my sessions are usually 2-4 hours long and happen in the afternoon, and if I get on after my brother at 12 am i’ll usually play until 2 before I get too tired. I’ve only got like 13% done though, or at least only 13% of the achievements. My highest acheivement right now is doing alchemy though so I’m not doing great.

I’ve been focusing on the quest with Delphine and Esbern recently, and I’m at the point where I just spoke to the dragon master/teacher of the Greybeards, then spoke to Arngeir about going to Windhelm/Winterhold. I figured I might as well finally visit the college there because I wanted to improve some magicka skills without using my perks. It’s weird though, because as soon as I got back to Whiterun and then headed out to go to Windhelm, I got absolutely raided by dragon attacks.

First, one appeared outside of Whiterun, and me being the pussy I am (after getting my head bit off Multiple times) just shot arrows at it from a distance as the soldiers dealt with it, and then ran over when it was dead to absorb the soul. Then when I was past the farms and the guards tower next to Whiterun, another dragon appeared. I used the Whirlwind sprint to stay next to it’s wing to keep it from biting my damn head off, then used some restoration spells when it was in the air, and dual wielded (when I could attack it) with the Dawnbreaker and this enchanted sword I found at the Sky Haven Temple that deals extra damage when attacking dragons. Absorbed that soul and headed on up to the snowy mountainous area that was on the way to Windhelm.

After dealing with a couple asshole white bears and some whisps, I hear a dragon and absolutely lose it. Why was I suddenly getting bombarded?? I decided to sneak on this one, and got my bow and arrow out. Eventually I got close enough to see not one, but TWO goddamn dragons, before realizing it was Alduin raising one to life (and realized he was salty because I was trying to destroy him by getting the Elder Scroll). Eventually I managed to kill it, still using Whirlwind sprint, healing spells, and dual-wielding. Plus some potions too.

I had to try a couple times for each of these by the way. Even with the second dragon I kept forgetting to save once I was a mildly-annoying-distance-to-repeatedly-walk away from Whiterun, which sucked but it’s whatever. I learned my lesson though and started remembering to save.

I got to Windhelm, which was weird territory because it’s run by Stormcloaks, and had to physically restrain myself from pummeling this drunk guy while he talked down to a Dark Elf and accused her of being a spy because she wasn’t a Nord. Also sometimes guards that aren’t from Whiterun will call me a thief (I unnsuccesfully tried to help out the guy who told me about Esbern’s hideout back in Riften) and it’s a lil annoying because I try really hard to make my character a decently good person. Sucks though because one of the achievements is joining the Thieves Guild and though I don’t necessarily want to do that, I’m gonna eventually unless I create a new character, which I don’t wanna do yet because I like mine too much.

Anyways this is already really long. I’m making another post to talk about my current opinion on choosing between Imperials and the Stormcloaks. If you have any tips, or questions, comment them! Or send me an anon, either is fine. I could literally rave about Skyrim for hours, as you have probably seen. Thanks for reading!

[tifu-today-i-fucked-up]

TIFU I pulled a knife to my fiancé's best friend.

TL;DR: I have a trauma with bullying and my fiancé's best friend is a bully. We went to a hang out where everyone already thought poorly of me because of what her ex said. He started bullying her and doing stuff, I was drunk, felt unconfortable with the whole situation, asked him to drop the shit show, he taunted me to a fight, I pulled a knife on him and told him to fuck off. Now everyone hates me. I don't know where we stand right now, me and my fiancé. I may have tossed my whole future in the trash and now I'm considering killing myself with my fathers shotgun.

So, sometime ago I started dating this girl. She was the girlfriend of an old friend of mine. He treated her like shit and let other people, mainly his friends, step over her and treat her like trash, never standing up for her. Time went by and she eventually felt hert broken, as he didn't really cared about her, so she dumped him. Some weeks went by and I started dating her.

I always had a crush on her. In my whole miserable life she was the only human being that showed respect and genuine care for me. Not even my parents or siblings gave me that much. We started to hag out while she was still dating him and I was madly in love with her, but I never showed any sign. After they broke up I opened myself up and told her how I felt. She told me she actually liked me for quite a while and felt the same the last weeks were her ex was treating her like shit. So we hooked up imediatly.

All was fun untill her ex started spreading to everyone me, her and he knew about. You gotta understand, he has a way with words, so everyone, every single friend I had, turned against me, like I was the second coming of Hitler (even tho I'm jew). Time went by, I assured her of the whole situation, I lost all my friends but she still managed to sort things out with hers. They still hated me to guts, but oh well, gotta give it a shot.

In the verge of moving over to our own home, away from her abusive parents and my "you're just pretending to be sad and depressed" parents, we decided to hang out with her friends, drink some wine, smoke some cigs, talk bullshit, tell jokes. Thing is, she has this friend, her best friend actually, who's a fucking bully. I have issues with bullies, a trauma to be more specific. My whole school life I always had to face these kind of people, to get punched and kicked around and accept shit becuase my parents would be mad at me if I fought someone, and since I was shit with words the principal and the prefects would always take me for guilt and the trouble starter. So I would be turned into a punching bag and accept my fate.

Dude starts bullying her, do stuff. I feel unconfortable. I've stepped out of this midset years ago, started standing for myself, wouldn't allow that to happen to me or to anyone I cared about, and he was doing that to my fiancé. I asked him politely to drop the shit show and be cool, lets drink, smoke, have fun, no need for trouble. He taunts me, tells me he's gonna beat me up. I wasn't having that shit, so I told him again, politely, to chill out, be cool, and he gets even more aggressive. The third time he did that I pulled a Knife I always carry on me for this kind of situations, for when people are gonna rob or assault me, so I can defend myself.

Sudenly, the whole group goes ape shit crazy on me, like I was indeed hitler, a Psychopath, a murderer, a thug. Even my girl gets mad at me, tells me to giver her the knife, to chill out. I giver her the knife, I chill out, but the fucker doesn't. He wants to fight, so he starts taunting me. I tell everyone I'm cool, I'm not used to this kind of group dynamic, and I have some issues with bullies, but he keeps yelling at me, so I get infuriated, and I want to kick his shit in.

My girl, if I can still call her that, gets between us and tells me I fucked up. He keeps taunting me, the whole group is taunting me. Everyone tells me to leave. I call an uber to go home. I break my cellphone in the process, out of anger and frustration. As I get home I started crying and my sister comes over, scared, to talk to me, to understand what happened. I tell her. She thinks I'm in the right. But thing is, my girl isn't. She tells me we're going to see the apartment tomorrow, and that I fucked everything up. But what was I supposed to do. I told her I had a trauma, that I didn't enjoyed bullies, that I couldn't take that shit. I apologised, told her it wouldn't happen again, tried apologising to the fucker while I was still there but he wouldn't take it.

Now I'm at my parents home, alone, in my room, crying and considering shooting myself with my father's shotgun, because I've probably lost the only person that ever showed affection and care for me. I've thrown away my whole future, because of what was supposed to be a joke... this is how I fucked up.

(source) story by (/u/VaynardTheKinslayer)

[one-of-us-must-be-crazy]

Kissing so desperately their body curves into the other's?

oops this was about 8 paragraphs longer than i meant it to be. The bit about testing sentient droids and dumping them through a trapdoor comes from the book Bug Hunt, which like the rest of the Alien novels, is canon until Fox inevitably goes “Wait, shit no, scratch that.” in a couple years.

They’d already had their goodbyes.

Their rescuers had thought they’d done right by taking them straight to a company station, and this close to it, short of killing their saviors, there was nothing Amanda could do to stop them. Besides, she thought, the absolute saint she’s been spending her time with would never approve of murder.

 Two blessed weeks of peace with the only other survivor of the disaster hadn’t done much to heal her physically or mentally, and maybe the mental damage was how she got into this in the first place. 

This, being the position of having taught a synthetic over the course of four days exactly how to kiss like a human. Desperation? Possible. A sense of a lifedebt she’d never be able to pay back? More possible. The chance thats she might have actually found someone–the first someone in four years? …possible. Too possible, going by the way they had spent the last night in a tangle, her half-wishing she’d have asked him days ago if he’d want to try anything more than kissing, touching; and half being glad that she didn’t, not wanting to cheapen this short-lived love story into a post-disaster hook up.  (love? That isn’t what this is, I hardly know the guy…) Still they’d said as much, among other ridiculous empty promises of houses, of running, of human elopement.

“They can’t take you,” she said to him across the table in an otherwise empty galley. Less than one hour until docking.

“They own me, it’s in their rights. Besides I’m….I’m not running up to par, and if they want to interrogate me they’ll have to repair me first.”

“That doesn’t sound promising. They’ll rip you’re memory out and—They’re going to trash you. Like a used plastic bottle.”

“And perhaps I’ll be recycled into something you come into contact with,” he wasn’t used to joking, and figured that if this didn’t work to make her smile from humor, he’d remarket it as maudlinly romantic.

“Don’t.”

“Amanda?” she looked like she was was using serious will-power to avoid crying. Either that, or trying to get herself to cry after having exhausted herself with tears the past fortnight.

“And if they kill me? Tell me I’m crazy and get me locked away?”

“Not…to detract from your horrors but…They won’t, it sounds absurd and if the station power failed, and it wrecked, and you survived then, if you told news outlets or journals the company could dismiss it as PTSD, or another form of stress and trauma.” if he didn’t know that she would be safe, he would have killed everyone on the ship himself. She technically was his temporary owner, the only one giving orders that he had to obey, and he could harm humans only if doing so protected they who were in charge of him.

“Doesn’t help you though; they’ll wipe you memory at best.”

“Still….If they don’t decommission me, even I have no recollection of any of this…” hesitantly he reached his hand across the table, breaking their agreement that any kind of contact was best kept to their little cabin.”Would you find an excuse to come and visit?”

The tears started, but she wasn’t crying when she accepted his hand and squeezed it tight.

“I’ll do you one better and I’ll steal you.” he smiles at her becuase he cannot physically cry, and it helps her feel a grain of hope that she was sure was worthless. 

It was possible that just sitting there, staring at their entwined hands, their similarities and subtle differences in weight, in texture, in fingerprints could have been a waste of time. Ripley automatically defaulted to gestures of human comfort, firmer grasp, thumb gently caressing the back of his hand, and Samuels recognized through the actions and her expression that these were as much for his comfort as hers, and thought that mirroring the action might further help them both. 

He liked the subtle pulse in her fingers, and the strength of it at her wrist. His own was there, but less to provide oxygen and more to provide a much needed lubricant to his joints and muscle structure, as well as a cooling system he, when in working order, could mostly control. 

Another few minutes passed before the lights on the message board blinked in orange letters ‘CAUTION: DOCKING’

“That’s it then.” she said, letting go of her grip on him slowly, and then pulling away all at once to avoid reaching back and never giving up.

“For now,” he stood up from the table, walked around to meet her, and Ripley didn’t want to tell him how much of a mistake that was. The rough thud of docking, a movement which both were used to enough that neither lost balance or even broke eye contact. “Better you stay here…I’ll go on and talk with the representatives first. We’ll tell them you remember little, and they may let you go with few or no questions.” 

“They’re going to let you go. They have to.”

“Amanda,” he looked at her with an affection that, despite all his pretty words, she didn’t think he was capable of. “Even if everything went as planned, flawless and even, and you found that your mother died peacefully in cryosleep, that you could finally sleep at night knowing, for good or ill, the truth. I would still be returning to them, moving onto the next mountain of files, to the next task or mission they set me to.”

“They shouldn’t–”

“Do you know what becomes of sentient androids? You couldn’t have thought I was the only one…if I am, indeed sentient. It’s a strange concept to try and evaluate for oneself.”

“No I don’t but–you are. You are real and alive and they can’t own–”

“They know that. That’s why we’re all examined before we leave the lab. I don’t recall too much, but I remember seeing some–there was a gap in the floor. They were called–as was I–to stand on it. We had our vitals monitored on a datapad wirelessly, were asked a few questions, and some of them fell though, what I assume was a chute. Most of us, myself included, weren’t afraid, but it was always the ones that looked afraid that ended up going through. They know. They know they couldn’t keep making their own synthetics if word got out about sentience; it’d stir up a whole new political mess and they’re already fighting property and international colonization laws.”

“What the genuine fuck? What about you now–did you just—get away? And what if they find out about you? Do they know?”

“I-I don’t know. At some point I realized I was….as you put it in simplest if not the most accurate of terms ‘alive’ and I hid it. And if they let me go on, I will continue to hide it.”

“I’ll buy you then.”

“I don’t think they’ll part with someone who’s witnessed their plans unfold and fail. Even if they would, I don’t know how you’d talk them into handing over ownership with the price for used synthetics running at–” Ripley cringed. They as a human race were beyond this by three hundred years. Two hundred in some places, but they were past this. “If you have any inkling of letting me remain a figure in your life in any capacity it’s best you come to terms with it.”

“It’s fucking stupid. It’s evil.” she could hear people moving around outside the galley, they might only have a few minutes, and though they had already done it, already spent 12 hours in their cabin saying goodbye, both with and without words, but fuck this. If they were going to take him back anyway back already she didn’t care if some of the salvagers caught them together. 

“Amanda?”

“No shit I would want you to remain ‘a figure in my life’ I’m still–I will find some way that I--,” she levered herself up on her toes, he was on the tall side but so was she and in her work boots the difference was just inches; tilting aside to kiss him, the line of his mouth set in confusion for nearly a full second (ages, for his processing speed). She stood strong as she could, knowing (something she teased him for not two days ago) that he was much easier made weak in the knees than she was, but when he rest  his hands on her hips (no lower, no higher) she delicately slipped her tongue past his lips, gentle and reverent, his response is to melt against her, and she stumbles a moment at the weight, holding tight around his neck and leaning right back into him, hoping the movement balances them. She pulls away half a moment, to catch short breaths between light and quick kisses over his jaw.

“I believe you,” his whisper was not voiceless and airy as a human’s but his own voice played from a much lower volume. “I believe in you.”

“They won’t take you far,” her reply gave him turn to mimic her little kisses, tracing the same pattern she had pressed onto him, but he kept trailing hers down her neck, “Will they?”

“I don’t know,”

“You’re not getting taken from me too. Not again, and not you.” the language caught him off guard; her anger replaced from being aimed at those who left her over the span of her short life, to being aimed at those who caused the leaving. It was small, and maybe only a weight of meaning that she put on this single interaction, but it still said lengths about her viewpoint’s shift, and perhaps that included a bit of healing. Perhaps not closure, but continuation, despite everything else that he’d done to her, dragged her into, and now subjected her to this emotional pain, selfishly enjoying every last touch and word that he could share with this incredible being before--

“.....Amanda.”

“What?”

“They’re going to want to view my memories.”

“Yeah, but how is---”

“My memories that include the past four days, and the past twenty-four hours specifically.”

“oh fuck.”

[beautifulmonster1212]

You think if I was a “Cold hearted liar” I would be sooo broken over you???.... you think I wouldn’t rebound and just say “eff this” and move on ??.... if I was a cold hearted liar from the moment you ghosted me in 2017 and showed BR my nudes and you allowed it to be posted.........you think I would come running back??.....

You baited me on a fake watsapp number 7**-0241......while I used my real number and we spoke for months....you called me babe back then too just to ghost me.....which was fine .....but then selling me out to BR and then posting all my nudes along with all my watsapp profile pictures, and then posting my whole qualifications under the picture.......and I forgave you and tried to look past that......but I’m the cold hearted liar.

You think I would put aside my dignity when you guys posted the photo with my whole Dr. in front my name ??... what about when I called u to my house that night and we were in the kitchen talking and I asked you if u knew about tumblr and who posted it ....you looked me in the eyes and told me u don’t know anything like that ....... I told you I traced the ip address to your house ....this was your exact words “solider iz me, my moda, fada, big bro and small bros and none of them would use that app....” but I’m the cold hearted liar.....and yet I forgave you for that.

What about when I asked you for Jouvert.....when brendon very well played jouvert also.....and I had to find out he was in your gallery liming after jouvert, when I dropped you home and all I could have think about was you .....you was with him drinking more that evening......you hide him perfectly from me throughout that entire day otherwise I would have recognized him......that evening I called you to tell you my real feelings for you...you hugged me and told me “bro it’s crazy how close we’ve gotten in such short space of time” and I held onto that an approached you that night in a phone call and I tried to tell you I love you and u told me you can’t come out your house and you have to watch your little brothers.......but I’m a cold hearted liar.

What about the time I had to pretend to be someone else, just so that I could have heard everything you really felt about “Hotdoc”.....and everything your family said about “Hotdoc”, meanwhile I was nothing but just being nice and getting to know you better, and the time I had to hear about BR coming in your van the weekend before fasting started and how he started making out with you and you guys sucked off each other.....how was I suppose to feel....when I had especially asked you to lime that weekend and you turned me down. I had to hear every detail about it, down to his cumshot. I rember being at the gym and just running down to the toilet to vomit becuase I couldn’t stand the idea of you swallowing someone’s cum, I bawled my eyes out but continued to talk to you because I wanted to hear more about what your family was saying becuase that was all sooo suprising to me, that ppl can be so two faced and judgemental.

What about the private bday I had just to spend time with you ??...and it was my best bday ever just having you there... but I’m a cold hearted liar.......

What about the night we went down to Zumba girl house.....and everyone else in your house went on vacation to some country..........I remember being so nervous that night because that was the night I thought u were alone and maybe I might get through to you.......you’re the first guy I have feelings for... and I really dodnt understand how after everything You had put me tru I still kept coming back.......that night you told me you were upset that Justin sister went with another man .......in my head all I was thinking about was you.....and all you was talking about was Justin sister we were sitting in your gallery and when I told you....”A there’s someting between us....I feel this way towards you and I know you feel the same way”........ you blatantly laughed in my face and told me “broo, idk what u talking about” making me look like the raging homosexual. I told you “open the fucking gate” and I left......but I’m the cold hearted liar.....I cried myself to sleep that night, and went on my knees asking god to stop letting me have these feelings for someone that keep hurting me.

Ramadan month, all I wanted to do was be by your side secretly in 2019, I had to pretend to be someone else on gentleman1212 so that I could have hear you say “I wish hotdoctor would just jam me in a corner and suck my tongue” Nights upon nights I ponder on how I was going to do this.....finally praying and getting the courage to do it ......I called you over to my room.....well I don’t need to remind you what happened in my room, till this day when I sit on that black desk all I rmeber is being push away and you saying “solider not ah fuck ah datt shit with me.” When u left my house in that BMW I trashed my rooom.....lamp everything was broken.....becuase I didn’t know how exactly to feel.....you were saying someting on tumblr and doing the whole opposite in person......but I’m a cold hearted liar. I couldn’t help myself I had to call you on the phone and that was the day I told you “A I love you”......it was 5:56pm and you had just reached to work......what was your response .......”bro I reach to work.....I hadda go there now.....but all I could tell you is someone playing with your head and I not gay” and u hung up the phone on me....... but I’m a cold hearted liar.

Wanting to drop rope for me to hang myself.....having conversations about killing me and “your boys ready for me”.....posting a pic of a gun.....calling me manicou face.....and how u going hunting and then telling me how “I killed my mom.......but I’m “cold hearted” rite ?? ......I remember I went that day to do my Photoshoot that I had done just for you......It was the fitness shoot that I had done just to change my fb profile pic ..”it was the ones with the ropes....to show you I made better use of the ropes you wanted to drop for me .......around the same time you wanted me dead, for no apparent reason and I woke up to you asking me where I prefer my final rights, Belgroves like mom or the seabed. I almost canceled the entire shoot, becuase I had to take all that pain and hurt and pull tru that $10,000 Photoshoot for that one day.....just so that I can post on my fb just for you. Would a cold hearted liar do any of that ??.... Your brother found out I lost my job in September last years, failure is never someting that I am accustomed with, having lost a job because of my performance was someting that was on me and I don’t blame you for that, I blamed myself for being caught up in all the homicidal threats and gun posts and I blame myself for being genuinely scared and watching a situation where I was completely innocent and generous to a group of people turn into something so sinister to the point where I felt like my life was a risk. There were days I would drive different vehicles, but then my dad would drive my van I didn’t want to put his life at risk......so I had to keep using my van, despite the fear. You ever considered for a moment how I felt for those 4 week that you were posting homicidal posts for me ??... or what about the talk of dropping my nudes on Xhamester.....and some Trinidad Bamboo....and saying “international l fuck up now for him”.......ever considered how much nights of crying and praying to God on my knees that you don’t do whatever you were threatening to do me. Every considered how much my heart broke into pieces hearing the one person that I ever had feelings for and did so much for want to killl me and post my nudes to ruin my life.

A cold hearted liar would have been gone since 2017, a cold hearted liar would have found someone else moved on and never look back. And what you’re going through rite now....I never want to think this is Karma for all the years of hurt that you’ve put me through, but you’ve been hurtin since September; and you never miss an opportunity to tell remind me of what a horrible person I am, but calling me a Cold hearted liar is worse than threatening to kill me and ask where I want to be laid to rest by my mom or on the seabed; becuase God knows how much times I’ve broken my own heart for you, and had to put myself together piece my piece only for it to be broken again

Use your brain; A cold hearted liar would have been gone by now ....not putting up with your rejections, homicidal life threats and worse yet your constant failure to merge the tumblr version of yourself and your real life self.

There was so much instances where you could have come forth as a friend, and nothing more, where u could have apologized in person for the way things went down with us. Becuase I was your friend, not J not your brother, I was your friend......and you would never get another friend like me ....I didn’t become your friend with intentions of falling in love with you.....I became your friend to see the type of person you were, to see past what you’ve put me tru in 2017, and to let go of the hate that I had for you for putting me tru that, and then little by little I started to fall in love like no gravity and I couldnt help myself, but I kept getting my heart broken over and over again. U know how much sleepless, nights or crying I did back when I was your friend, from getting rejected 12 times to hearing the plain ole truth about what your family members thought of me. I have been crying for years for you and because of you. You only started crying in September, but God knows how many times my heart broke over and over for the same person, and yes I was strong enough to cry on my own and deal with it on my own but I can’t do it on my own anymore .......becuase I got a piece of your heart in the months of March, April and May; so now it’s not just crying, it’s clinical depression, Paranoia from being followed in NYC and Trinidad (constantly looking over my shoulder to see if there’s a car behind me), para-suicide; god alone knows my thoughts. My therapist, fluxotein, my pastors, my family; everyone is rooting for me and I have to get better.

Your therapist thinks that’s normal behavior for me, she didn’t know what I had to go through months and months prior to act out in a way like that. NYC was my place to go because, it was where I healed after my moms death, and I know she would not have been proud of me after seeing my behavior, but that was me when I had given up on finding love because I was tired or being hurt by the same person over and over. I always told myself that you would watsapp, that you would call if you really meant everything that you was saying. But tumblr you and real you was never the same person.........It’s unfair to ask me to trust you on the same app that broke me in pieces; posting nudes ➡️ finding out your true real feelings for me on gentleman1212 ➡️ hearing the truth of what your family thought of me ➡️ homicidal posts towards me ➡️ threatening to posting my nudes again ➡️ then I was suppose to believe you loved me still ???.....

if I had only gotten a watsapp convo or a phone call or any real substantial evidence of you, I would have went to NYC and not indulge in any of that behavior.

Your therapist thinks I’m a hoe and I’m comfortable around men, thats the first time I did any of that exploring in NYC, and I can safely say that now both me and you have seen the all the videos; I never sucked a dick, kissed anyone or fucked anyone or been fucked. What would you have done if u saw me sucking a cock A ??...... I’ve never done that shit in my life worse yet swallowed someone cum.......beauty was the only cock I was willing to put my mouth inn and pleasure. I don’t fool around with random men in Trinidad and you know that, becuase if that was the case I would have been long gone. I would have given up on you since the moment you first rejected me; and started fooling around with people......And it’s not like I don’t have unlimited options, I have both girls and guys wanting me but I choose to not explore that part of me in this country. I went to a foreign country where I “thought “I was safe. You’ve sucked dick and swallowed cum; that’s something that I don’t think I would ever do with someone; especially the kind of things I used to talk about with you, when we used to sex talk. The reason I never came forth and told you when u asked me multiple times was because things were going too good and I didn’t want to ruin it, and I was afraid of the reality that I would lose you......and I thought that maybe just maybe you wouldn’t watch out those videos once I convince you and show you the real true side of me. Since 2017 till now I have spent about 400 thousand on you, from taking down my nudes to wiping brendon phone clean (becuase u was scared he had your nudes) to hacking and taking your pic down from Tbamboo blog to buying you gifts for your bday ....that drawing .....the rings.....bargaining with the company to obtain NYC footage........if I was a lying cheating cold hearted liar.......I would not have spent any of that money, because I don’t have an unlimited supply like you. Every cent I have I work for, so I may spend it wildly sometimes but I spend it on ppl that I think is worth it.........I don’t want to have any arguments with you, for the sake of my mental well being and yours .....I just want you to know that my heart has been breaking Waaaaayyyyyy before yours broke.

[duchess-of-weirdness-blog]

The last time I pour my heart out.

The last time I pour my heart to another human being was today. If you refer to my post right before this one you will be caught up to speed.

I didn’t want to risk something so real ( or what I felt was real) turned out to be a lie. I wrote everything I could to try to ask this guy to think for himself. Going into a marriage with someone you don’t even know and will never love? Sounds sounds absurd to me. I was in a place were we became best friends just the distance killed us. I planned to meet him next month. He dropped a bomb on me… below I’m sharing the long text letter that I sent him. I am sharing this becuase my pain might help someone else not to make the same mistake. Don’t long distance date. If you are interracially dating please make sure you are not with a coward. Make sure that you are with someone who would stand up to every system.. every person to fight for you like you would do for them. Everyone is not that strong and will use you for their selfish needs.

( my open heart below )

Sourabh… Please only read this when you are alone…

This is some of the worst pain that I ever felt. I was so open and honest with you from the beginning about everything. I feel like everything you ever said to me was a lie. I understand that we are in two different places. I also know it’s a new world how can you follow old traditional views.. that you told me you didn’t even follow. What we had was so genuine and real. I know if we could have met up things would be different. Not knowing if we could have been something more is what feels like it’s killing me inside. I couldn’t even sleep… I couldn’t eat. Just like trying to keep busy working on my projects.. it’s crazy how if I got to send a message you pop up first because you were my most contacted person.  You went from telling me good morning everyday to just silently leaving me. I’m writing a lot because writing is like my therapy and I gotta get it all out. It is possible to survive in this world with two totally different people. You don’t have to be the same ethnicity or religion to really love someone. 😑 love is love or like.. whatever and it should happen naturally not forced.. Not because someone said. We talked about this so I really feel like this hurt was done on purpose. You did everything to heal my heart just to break it again.  That’s the most fucked up shit I ever felt in my life bro… Then you tell me to give you time like there’s even a chance of hope for me and you. I know that there isn’t any hope. I never got to hug you talk to you.. or do any of that fun stuff like showing you around California and going to concerts like we talked about.  I hate when I get a message on whatsapp now because it’s never you. How could you call someone your best friend and just abandon them & their emotions? Trust me I know how important family is and how they can have a influence on you. You should man up and do what you really want to do. I really wish we could have met in person. It’s different.. like if we would have met & it didn’t work out fine… but now it’s like we never got the chance to try… I can’t go from having all these feelings for you to going into the friend zone. If I’m taking the time to write all this and get everything in the open I hope that you can see how much I really did care. My emotions don’t lie… I felt it so strong and asked you if there was someone else… you just asked me why I always thought so negative. It wasn’t that I was thinking negatively I was thinking the truth. You just lied to me in my fucking face… and then tell me I can’t text you in a loving way for some bitch you never even met or talked to…. That’s crazy we chose each other. That should mean something… you can’t just block someone special out your life. You have to fight for them. You only get one life and you have to fight for the things you want. Me writing this is my way of fighting… although I know this is a war that I’ve already lost. Fuck all the stress and these terrible feelings that I feel… I wish we could just run away and spend some quality time with no labels and no pressure just doing fun stuff together. There is a long life ahead there’s no need to rush into marriage or any situation just because someone else thinks its best. Don’t get all scared thinking someone else will see this… I wouldn’t care if the world saw this message because it’s something so pure and just heartfelt. We live in a world where everyone is just out for self gain… All I wanted to gain was maybe my best friend falling in love with me.. now I’ll never know. I only tried to start my old job back while I was still feeling sick just to meet you in person. I know I’ll have to let it go for my own health.. my blood pressure got really high crying and just thinking about you… crying the whole time that I type this. Remember the guy that I told you that u reminded me of? Hassan ? That comedian… it’s crazy because in his show that I love so much… he almost lost his wife because his dad tried to change his mind… but his sister stepped in and told him to follow his heart.. they’re both two different religions and the odds  were stacked against them.  But they just followed their hearts.. Follow your heart even if your heart doesn’t lead you to me.. listen to your heart because your brain just tells you everything that won’t work.. but your heart tells you everything that will work. Trust me I’m not trying to steal you away from your family or friends. Everyone can exist together.. I have no idea what’s going on in your mind… I know I’m probably not even on your mind because my texts are just empty… I can’t just sit around while you try to get to know someone else…. 😑😑😑 I was really trying to spend your birthday with you & party like we talked about. Ughhh Why did I believe it? I’m so fucking stupid.. but people are only stupid for people they really care about. I swear this is the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to write because it’s a goodbye before a beginning. It’s like the end to something so natural and pure.. We are so different yet so much the same. I know love probably isn’t in the forecast for me. I just hope you’re happy… and just know that some people really have stronger feelings than others. Like don’t fuck with someone’s emotions especially when they were so open with you about being hurt before. It really feels like that lady gaga song bad romance.  I know I could never be your friend. I can’t watch the guy I wanted so bad growing to love someone else. It’s not fair for me to get online and just see that I don’t have a message from you. Do you realize that we talked everyday? That meant something to me. I know now that it didn’t mean anything to you. I don’t normally make that much time for men.  I’m not just anybody… like I actually do shit.. I know u met me when I got sick but I’m a boss.. I really wanted to do business with you  and make money. Do you know how epic that could have been? My connections in the USA! Your connections in India.. that could have really been some power couple type of shit. Espically when my app drops.. wow I know this is long but I feel like it will probably be the last thing that I get to say to you.  Although I wish things would go my way & you would just be like nooo I choose u haha but deep down I know because I felt you disconnect from me… I felt it when I asked you & u just lied to me & said you were dating the gym lol remember that? 

It sucks cuz I’ve been going to work on my projects sick.. of course I’m not gonna blame all my stress on you… but of course losing you hurts a lot. In a perfect world of course I wish you would just be like I choose you! We could just explore and travel u show me india I show u California and we go on different adventures together…. but this isn’t a perfect world is it? 😓 I know.. life changes but I didn’t think it would change this fast. Lol I told you how I’m writing scripts all the time well now at least you get to see something besides short texts lol I do want to say thank you for the times when I was really sick you motivated me got me in the gym. These past few days I haven’t eaten meat & I’m gonna stay that way now. I hope I had or have some kind of impact on you also. I also want you to know that it’s okay to interracially date. It’s so beautiful to be with someone who is not exactly the same as you. You have to be a very brave person to do that.. because the world will judge you! They will hate it but I feel like for something real it’s worth it.  I don’t know where you stand with all that we never really talked about it. Mostly that’s what it boils down to tho in this world. 

I’m still a virgin so I don’t have much experience… but I do know if I ever have kids I want them to find true love on their own and I’ll love them enough to respect their choice no matter what it is. I honestly didn’t know things like what you’re going through is still happening in 2017! Fuck I feel like I’m saying last words at a funeral or something.. but the truth is life goes on… I can’t lie I’m gonna miss you so fucking much. I hope you think of me some time. I will tell you this… she can never care about you or love you the way I did..  It won’t ever be real.. she’s just going along with some bullshit plan and tradition so she can have a life and be taken care of.. it won’t ever be real love.. your future kids none of that shit will be made out of real love… one day you’ll regret not standing up for yourself and being your own man.

That’s what I’ve been learning how to stand up for myself and say how I really feel. I had a crazy business meeting today and I stood up and told everyone the truth! That they were full of shit and it was beautiful. Lol I probably would have been texting you all about it haha.. but anyway I won’t.. I will say that I’m sorry for opening up to you so much… I’m sorry for trusting the things you said.. because I just opened myself up for this pain… I won’t be open with anyone else like that ever again.. I’m learning to protect my feelings.. I’m growing and learning but I know one day I will get there. I just have so many questions did your family find oit you were talking to a black girl and get mad? Or did u know this was happening all along? Why would you meet new people if you knew you were trapped in a traditional world? I hope you set yourself free. I wish I had no feelings I swear😑 I’m mad I feel so used… I know you technically weren’t mine but u knew I was gonna meet u and we would have been together…  I can still pick up on your vibes.. just like when you lied I felt it.. I can feel when u think about me… I can feel when you just ignore the feeling and do nothing about it.. We talked everyday… now this.. I’m not even good enough for a hello… With friends like this I definitely don’t need any enemies. Sadly coming to the end of writing this I feel like I wasted so much of my time. You won’t listen to a single thing I said because you’re blinded. I’m still gonna send this to you tho.. because I’m stupid and I always like trying one last time. I’m addicted to the feeling of heartbreak.. that shit has happened so many times until it feels good.. It’s like a high.. I knew that shit was coming. I should have never entertained you. You’ll probably just block me again or something and go on like I never existed. Idk… I’m so excused.. I think I said as much as I can say.. Sincerely the girl who actually never lied to you and valued you - Dawnn

[biwikrie]

everything that’s going wrong in my life because i am bitter

the move

ok so i recently moved from japan back to the US and everything is so jacked up here and far apart. i mean sure, i kinda like it here, but since i know no one and am unable to actually go anywhere, i cant really do anything. not to mention that im not accustomed to anything in the US and everyone just expects me to know things and relate when i’ve literally been in the US for like two-ish maybe months after 5 years in JAPAN. hhhh stressful. also, i don’t have anything from my room in japan. it’s not even packed up. so i’m going to be sleeping on an air mattress until at least december. 

school

when i say that my school is small, i mean too small. we have a 2300+ student body, but a main hallway that only accommodates 1500-ish people. it’s almost impossible to walk to my classes and just as difficult to find a seat during lunch. also, i’m apparently ahead of my grade level in most things, so i’m fully just breezing through this year and cant change my classes because i couldn’t get the summer work for honors, and can’t take english and history classes for 11th graders. so my student transcript is going to be shit because i went from honors world history and literature to regular 10th grade world history and english. plus, i’m always the first to finish the tests and shit in my alg2 class, while sitting in the back because im too terrified of the giants that are 11th graders to sit anywhere else. i can’t really talk with anybody in most of my classes because they assume i’m a freshman and are just weirded out that such a small kid is in their class. 

friends / lack thereof

boy oh boy. the other reason i cant find a seat during lunch is because its divided into 3 different periods. i have third (last) lunch, which is also right after my alg2 class, which is full of 11th graders. so my tiny self is walking down the hall to the cafeteria surrounded by these tall 11th graders with no way of talking to them. so i just kinda sit “alone” at the peanut allergy table (when i say alone, i mean that im surrounded by upperclassmen as i try to take up as little space as possible while reading my book. 

let’s also talk about how all but one friend from japan probably forgot about me. so, shout out to paul for sticking to his promise of sending me a snap of him sending an “encouragement snap” using his mickey mouse voice. but because of the time difference, i can’t really speak in the group chat, and since they all live near each other and see each other everyday at school, they don’t really need to ever use the group chat. i have absolutely no one to vent to, and the only thing i can really talk about is bad stuff. so fuck me. 

i get 12000 crushes a day

SPEAKING OF FUCK ME: i, at 8:38 pm on thursday, august 31st, 2017, have 6 crushes. time to elaborate i guess. 

joseph/joey is in my chemistry class and my world history class. he’s pretty funny and i think i remember him from way back when i first lived in florida. he has this really interesting voice and laugh, and his hair has this little swoosh that goes straight up. only problem is that he kind of reminds me of yosuke and i can’t stand having him [joey] standing/sitting to my left.

dylan is in my art class. we talked for maybe two minutes on the first day and we still see each other everyday, but don’t talk. he got moved to a different table. he has a really deep voice that i absolutely love listening to. me and him occasionally look at each other when we’re confused by what the teacher is saying and have a little laugh. he’s only taking art because he needs a fine art to graduate. we dont talk, but we have this kind of unspoken agreement to do this dumb fake smile thing when we first see each other (but my gotdamn crush on him makes me go from fake smiling to blushing like an idiot). sometimes in class, i’ll catch him looking at me, and i don’t know if its my obnoxious teenage girl brain, but i think he might want to talk to me?? but oh my god he’s really pretty. like model status pretty. 

dj is also in my art class, but he also rides my bus. i know for a fact that he doesn’t like me. he doesn’t even know me. but he has bushy eyebrows and purple-ish curly hair. and oh my god when he laughs its amazing. i look at him too much. 

guy in my alg2 class that i dont know the name of is... in my algebra 2 class. i’ve never offically spoken to him, but his did hold the door open for me once and was super polite. he doesn’t play sports but he’s large. like, 6 foot large. he also has his hair up in a bun everyday. and today during the tst he undid the bun, and his hair goes a little bit past his shoulders and it looks to silky. deep voice.

liam is in my english 10 class. at least i know he’s in my grade right? and holy heck does he look so nice. he has blond-ish red hair and brown eyes?? and he literally could care less about school. he’s like a bad boy but super chill?? i used to sit directly across the room from him and i would sometimes look in his direction and see him looking at my group’s table? whether it be because he knew the people at my table, or was just completely blanking out, or because im a new student and hhhhh, i’ll never know because we had to change tables. now i sit with my back to him so idk if he’s even in the class anymore. 

anthony is in my world history class and is friends with joey. i had a crush on anthony before joey, but after a while anthony just seemed kind of dumb, but i still kind of like him? he goes out of his way to bring me into conversation and is funny in a dumb way. i dont even know. reminds me not to kill myself. he looks like he’s good at hugging. 

time in general

so i’ve recently been hit with this like wave of sadness where everything suck sand maybe that’s why i wrote this, but i have nothing to look forward to each day other than getting back to my “bed” after school. i just want it to be summer again becuase either 1) i can learn to drive, 2) anthony and joey and alec and austin can maybe want to hang out or something and i can finally have friends 3) i can screw up my sleeping schedule to talk to my bros in japan 4) i’ll have my stuff 5) i can start making real friends in junior year because at least i might know some people during lunch. i just want everything to fix itself because i have no way of fixing it. 

i kinda want to die

and not in the angsty teen way. actually, maybe in the angsty teen way. i just dont think that i have anything to provide to the world and i’ve already experienced all the world has to offer? i mean, obviously i haven’t, but in a “nothing else really will matter” kind of way. is that nihilistic? i just want to skip to the part of my life where i can just experience love?? thats sappy as shit, but i want to find someone that i can really love and experience the thing that humans experience and just know that im not alone in the universe? maybe its me and my obsession with soulmate au’s, but i really want to find someone where everything just clicks from the first moment and i can just be myself and be fully accepted and be truly vulnerable and free with someone that i absolutely care about and love? but i know im not mentally prepared to be in a relationship of any kind and that’s a problem after being removed from the only people i could talk to. so i’m forced to bottle things up and just try to push away bad thoughts to prevent myself from just crying in the middle of class. sometimes i get the thought of the time i wrote a suicide note. sometimes i think about who of my classmates would notice that i never showed up to school again. sometimes i think of when my brother and dad would find me dead and what their reactions would be. but hey! “i want to die” i so #relatable right !!!

i just want to say that the only people that i’ve met that maybe genuinely cared if i actually killed myself were my biology teacher mr francis and anthony. i remember the look on mr francis’s face when i said that i didn’t know if i wanted to be alive, while my classmates just laughed because of the whole “i want to die” meme culture we have. i appreciate that he didn’t tell anyone, but that might not have been the best in the long run. of course, that’s not his fault. he probably knew that i would just lie to the counselor. but i wish mr francis could see me now. completely broken and looking like i never want to wake up. last week in history class, my group was all joking about wanting to die, and i think anthony saw it on my face. he saw the quiet build up of tears as i thought of what these people i call my somewhat friends would think or how they would react if they realized i never showed back up to school. or if my teacher announced that i had killed myself. or as i thought of my suicide note that i wrote a month and a half ago. and he probably said the last words i expected to hear from one of my classmates, especially after only knowing me for a few days. “you know, if you were to kill yourself, i’d get really sad” it’s dumb, i know. but it’s suck with me. he barely even knows me, but we were launched into this conversation about how we would truly feel if someone close to us died. like imagine coming to school and noticing that the person that sits next to you, who normally never skipped a single day of school, now hasn’t shown up in a week. imagine trying to find their face during lunch, only to figure out that they aren’t even breathing anymore. imagine having to continue with our day, with your life, not truly knowing what happened, or knowing if you can help, or if you could’ve helped to prevent such a thing from happening. imagine seeing someone you’ve seen everyday just disappear without a trace, just to disappear without anyone knowing that they were even there. (deh anyone?) 

[tybysis]

1:12am

I don’t feel good, Ty.

My grandfather died two days ago and I called off work. I felt really dehydrated and was sick for most of yesterday and today. I haven’t been eating much. This thing with Gabe is fucking with me. Ben and Ru hanging out has me feeling weird. I don’t know what’s going on. 

My brain is always weird about introducing friends to friends becuase I am always, 100% certain that showing one person who’s company I enjoy to another person who’s company I enjoy that they will immediately decide that they enjoy each other’s company much more than mine. It’s something I struggle with because I’m aware that’s how I feel, and so I told Ben about it, becuase not telling Ben things is somehow foreign and strange. I don’t know how that happened. We’re both very open with each other and it’s nice. I am also aware, however, that if not for Mags, I would have let the emotion fester and just ignored it like I usually do. I wouldn’t have told Ben jack shit, becuase that’s who I am. I try to keep my emotions in check by not saying anything about them, and that’s really not a healthy practice at all. It really isn’t. But telling people fills me with panic. It makes me feel not great. I worry immediately that they’re going to look at me and tell me that they really don’t care about all that shit or worse, that I’m manipulative for telling them that. 

one of my biggest fears is that my emotions will influence people in a way that will make them upset. It genuinely freaks me out to think that me being stressed stresses people out. It fucking terrifies me to think that maybe telling someone how I feel might make them change how they feel. And I know that’s how emotions work. I know that when you care about someone you care about how they feel and worry when they don’t feel okay. Which is one of the big reasons I’m so used to acting okay. I don’t want people to worry about me. I don’t want people to be stressed because I’m stressed. I don’t want people to be angry when I’m upset.

and I also know, because I’m aware of myself, that this is largely because I’m scared. I’m worried that someone will do something because I’m upset and not becuase they want to do it. I stress that me being upset and emotional will make people take time out of their lives to do things for me, when clearly emotions are temporary and Generally Not That Big A Deal and that I’ll inconvenience someone and they’ll regret it. I am so fucking terrified of being an inconvenience. 

I very much want to blame this on high school, by the way. Because blaming high school is a way to not have to look further back into my psyche for reasoning. Being in a friend group where sadness was both stigmatized and exulted was really really weird. We didn’t want to be sad because sadness was Not Great but we also Weren’t Sad Enough but we were also super miserable but not suicidal so it was just one heaping cesspool.

oh shit time to go deeper back into my psyche.

back when I was being abused, I didn’t really comprehend my sadness past my casual thoughts about dying. It was that weird sort of suicidal where you don’t really think about death, but you don’t really take steps toward preserving your life. I had thoughts about biking off bridges into traffic and just not stopping when walking across streets, but the point was never to die. The point was to apologize in the hospital for being hurt, if that... makes sense. My brain skipped straight over the pain and injury and to the recovery, where everyone was worried and I felt sort of bad about it. 

And I think. Really what impacted me the most emotionally was when we were caught, when my uncle went “and we’ll have to tell your father, and this will crush him. And he was just getting better.” and I just. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck I remember those words so clearly. I remember my dad the next time he saw me, the way he looked at me like I was something different. I remember my mom leaving the house to talk to him on the phone so he didn’t go and kill him. and I just. god. I probably repressed everything about feeling hurt. I barely remember how terrified I was some of the time, how much hatred I felt sometimes. God I was probably so angry. But I remember none of that. I remember that he hadn’t actually known how old I was. I remember that none of the details I knew about him mattered because he knew next to nothing about me. I remember rationalizing and humanizing him in my head becuase he didn’t give me anything to work with in person. Fuck I remember romanticizing him and then fucking rejecting every even slightly romantic thing he did. I remember the panic of him showing he cared because what if someone saw. I remember crying and texting my best friend that I loved him. I loved him so much and I didn’t know what to do. 

jesus no wonder I’m so fucking damaged what the fuck

no wonder I don’t know what I’m feeling ever. no wonder I can’t tell one love from another. 

and you know what else I remember?

I remember that he dated girls during his abuse of me. I remember feeling like absolute shit because he introduced these girls to his family while I was there and i felt like the worst fucking being on the planet earth. I remember measuring myself up against these blondes and brunets and their white white white skin and blue eyes and feeling disgustingly dull and ugly. I remember feeling relieved when he still wanted to touch me after they left, because the idea that he didn’t was absolutely terrifying. Because at that point in my life it was the only affirmation I got that I wasn’t ugly or gross or unloveable, since I was being so heavily bullied in school and even my friends were like “come on Kayla you’re a girl but you aren’t like, a girl girl you’re one of us! one of the guys!” jesus I wasn’t pretty or cool or even really that likable. 

and really even now I still find myself slipping back into that mentality. becuase that was most of my life. I’m 21. It ended in 2011. It’s 2017. And yeah. it went from the age of six onward. It wasn’t pretty. My development has to have been fucking. just. completely crushed. completely warped. And there are people I’ve known my entire life who have no idea I went through this. There are people who don’t know what I’ve been though and sometimes I want to tell everyone so I have an excuse to just. tell everyone. But I’m back to the whole “telling people things that make them change how they treat you and edit their responses” thing.

I’d just. really like it if everyone treated me the way Mags and Ben treat me. But that’s so fucking unrealistic. Because my gut just tells me that people don’t give a fucking shit about me. It says that people who do are going to find better, more likable, easier-to-be-around people to give a shit about and leave me behind. Because the number one lesson my life has taught me is that People Leave.

And I’m really struggling to unlearn this, and to get my life together and be more honest when I feel upset so that the people I care about know. But it feels so manipulative. It feels wrong to do this. It goes against my nature.

but I’m trying to change that. Because I’m trying to change for the better.

shit Ty I don’t even know if that’s what this entry was supposed to be about Kay

p.s. one of my few regrets about breaking things off with ben so soon is that I can’t use the term “BENefits” okay. I live for that pun